#from one mentally ill bitch to another
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something that people donât tell you about depression, anxiety, trauma etc is that recovery is not this beautiful healing journey where you figure out the secret to happiness and a clear head and you just come out a different person. itâs hard. itâs really fucking hard and you have to work, probably harder than you even were working before while your mental illnesses stayed dormant.
and thatâs what makes me so angry about people who misunderstand disorders and their subsequent treatment. getting help is not easy. you may think that all someone needs to do is wave a magic wand and stop being the way that they are but âgetting helpâ often means signing yourself up for regular therapy, trying out medications, trying out different forms of therapy, processing complex trauma and emotions, reconfiguring your life, challenging yourself every single day to do things you couldnât before. itâs fucking hard!!
and to everyone out there, like me, who is going through this process - i see you and hear you and i know that weâre going to get through it. and i hate the âyouâre so strongâ thing but holy shit, we are strong. i know how much effort and work it takes. itâs more than just âdrink waterâ and âgo on a walk.â itâs often about rewiring your entire brain.
#mental health care#mental health#mental illness#actually autistic#actually mentally ill#actually adhd#mental health support#positive mental health#emotional validation#phobia#it will be okay#it will get better#i love you#from one mentally ill bitch to another
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ngl I'm not 100% sold on the episode đ€
#just watched it so dont know if people have been talking about it but probably yeah#something about armand does just not make sense like WHY would he want to kill louis??? no sense...#like im guessing there is a reason behind this plot and the things unexplained cause one way or another they WILL revisit paris from#lestat's pov and maybe even from armand's if we get to the vampire armand so this is something im imagining we will get an answer in the#future but that does not take thay rotht now is NOT good way to finish your season bc one of your main characters is simply right now#completely out of character#idk idk idk#my babygirl armand has all the mental illnesses and is a manipulative bitch and an asshole and yeah completely responsible of planning#claudia's death for his own sick reasons but killing louis?? yeah no way what the fuck like that is the point#idk im rambling at this point#iwtv spoilers
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*2015 voice* i wish i had the chillness instead i got the mental illness
#evidence of life#tw for mental illnesses major distress illness symptoms that arenât romanticized (lawl) suicide ableism i guess?#idk just a massive tw for what iâve said in the notes / donât read if descriptions of mental illnesses bother you etc#///////////////////////â///////////////////////â///////////////////////â///////////////////////â////////////////////////////////////////////#i literally had to mix rubbing alcohol into my body wash then put it all over my body except my hair to stop myself from committing suicide#iâm so serious if thereâs one thing i donât say with my convoluted levels irony itâs suicide whenever i say kms im 100% serious#suicide is literally a constant ideation for me and i just canât teehee about it ever i think itâs because it is one of the few ways i feel#that i can take total control full autonomy#anyways isnât crazy traumatic things will happen and we have to just keep going like im literally on tumblr after [redacted]âŠ#also why is my psychosis so obsessed with break ins these days when i was doing my rubbing alcohol scrub it did the break in scenario#like miss girl literally nobody want us that bad take a seatâŠ#anyways this day started out okayish and now itâs literally *burning building in the background*#i wanna try to at least make it possibly kind of better by going to watch the sunset but no promises kinda itching for more rubbing alcohol#anyways slayyyy respectfully i hope this scares offâŠwho it usually doesâŠ#like bro i am not a manic pixie dream girl i am not a smol bean with anxiety not a depressed gloomy muse etc#i am [as described by men who thought that i was just another goth bitch with daddy issues that knew all the right moves to make me into#whatever they needed me to be and or thought i was being hyperbolic when i say i am insane in the head and the pussy (as above so below)]#âcrazy crazyâ âfucked upâ ânot worth it [because i am crazy for real]â â[in need for a dude who one course in psychology and thinks that and#his dick are enough to âcure meâ âweirdâ âfreakâ âlooneyâ (kinda love that one like so true) etc (bc i donât want to talk abt this anymore)#edit: my âtemporary icon bothering more than it should rn ughhh bad end all around goodness
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"Nobody does this, don't EVER write this, no real person acts like that."
Buddy. Consider that. You do not have OCD. And I do.
#I am two seconds away from becoming an outright BITCH you genuinely don't even know#there's a lot of really personal shit involving this illness that I don't talk about on here and that I CAN'T really talk about on here#but I PROMISE if you go 'lol no one worries about that' I have worried about it#like yeah I GET that my life experience is not the majority EVEN AMONG MENTALLY ILL PEOPLE#I GET IT#but like. idk. there has NEVER been a place where I haven't felt Otheredâą in a way that makes it impossible to believe I can have any#kind of fulfilling life or build any kind of lasting interpersonal relationship with another person and EVERY DAY I RUN INTO MORE SHIT#I'M SO TIRED#/NOTHING/ I DO WILL EVER BE ENOUGH AND I AM SO /TIRED/ I WANT TO FUCKING LAY IN A BALL AND CRY FOR FIVE DAYS#I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO SUCCESSFULLY PERFORM 'BEING A PERSON' WELL ENOUGH AND MY EXISTENCE WILL /ALWAYS/ BE#ATTACHED WITH THIS FEELING OF INHERENT SHAME TO THE REST OF GENERAL SOCIETY AND WHAT THE /FUCK/ AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS
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Kids. They still thought they knew something the rest of us didnât, the way every generation thinks theyâre the ones who invented sex, the way every generation thinks theyâre the ones who will be remembered. They still had Iâm-better-than-this dreams, one-day-weâll-leave-this-all-behind aspirations. What they didnât understand is that it doesnât matter who you are or where youâre from. No one ever leaves it all behind. The best you can hope for is to start off in the least horrible place. The rest of us just have to make do.
#Jane Jenkins#Dear Daughter#elizabeth little#the chokehold this book has on me now#its so delightful and soo mentally ill#the Janie âthank fuck i remembered my name [which in the moment: Rebecca]â Jenkins#the main character u are#oh my#neil josten would have a field day with another âi should try be nice boring fake name personâ bitch who simply can not shut up#they so petty she's sooo petty#the best kind of First Person Narrative is the one from the bitchiest bitch of all#also i can not make a collage but we must pretend that i can just this once
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"You were here, kneeling on the dirt, puking your insides out, with an armed man keeping you company. "
#from my newest jarod one :3#and no i havent finished my first jarod fic shut up#its another one where he just. adopts you#mentally ill bitches will look at a fictional serial murderer and decide he's dad <3#bee buzz
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âwatch me, don't touch me, love me, don't hurt me.â
[title is from ive's accendio. gif not mine.] summary. you are the fop of the wizarding society, known for your shallowness and careless display of wealth, but as hogwarts faces another threat, the marauders and lily, find themselves drawn to you and the secrets hidden under your facade. (harry just wants to know what is going on.)
pairing/s. marauders x reader. (james potter/lily evans/remus lupin/sirius black/reader.)
wc. 24.1k.
tags. enemies to lovers, angst, hurt but the comfort is later, fluff(ish), i try slow burn for the first time (it hurts.), this is highly self-indulgent idgaf, set during goblet of fire but i decide what goes, voldemort isn't the only character who can revive from the dead, BITCH. OH, LMAO I FORGOT, THIS IS FOR THE DILF AND MILF LOVERS SDKJFHSF they're married, but remus and sirius keep their name for legal and plot reasons. adult marauders and adult reader! and i was careful this time to not use any specific pronouns or gendered terms so everyone can enjoy the pain!! every1 is hurting 2nite. proofread kind of, so we die like. . . harry potter?
cws. here we go... canon-typical violence, vivid description of injuries, pain, and blood, emotional abuse, trauma, self-destructive tendencies, minor character death (non-canon), pureblood society practices, voldemort is his own warning, brief mention of war, brief scene with abducted children, panic attacks, depictions of mental illness, suic!dal thoughts, bellatrix lestrange is also her own warning, morally-grey reader.
a/n: this is inspired by my most favorite finnick odair fic EVER! obviously, i won't ever reach that level of greatness, but i've had this idea in my head ever since i read that story. sometimes, i just want to cry at night to feel something, LMFAO. halfway through writing this story, i got insecure, so thank you to this eye-opening comment on reddit that i found that will forever change how i look at reader inserts: âfor me, a reader should be faceless, but not soulless.â
to my dearest friends and readers, i hope you enjoy this world that i've written for you ueueue. (the next and final part is fluffier, i promise.) will upload to ao3 soon!
act i. dear god, please save the little man.
âRITA, DARLING, do get your wretched little quill for this one. I heard from a wee birdie that Vittoria Zabini was spotted in Rome, and not just wearing last seasonâs designer collection, but on her honeymoon, of all things! Can you believe it, dearest? If I remember correctly, this must be husband number five now.â
Like a wingless canary in a gilded cage, you are forced once again to sing for red-lipped witches and their grating laughter, and for wizards with their fat bellies, graying hair, and leering eyes. How kind of Narcissa Malfoy to host these decrepit creatures in her manor gardenâand thrust the role of main attraction onto you. There you are, lonesome badger, dressed in the finest tulle for everyone to ogle at. A ballerina in a music box, turning, and turning, and turning.
(When will your cursed lullaby finally end?)
Isadora Bulstrode cackles. âGold-digging wench must be at it again.â
As predicted, Rita Skeeter greedily whips out her Quick-Quotes Quill. The bloodthirsty journalist preys hungrily at your every wordâand youâre more than willing to satiate the irritable, little pest. âRiveting.â She pushes her glasses upwards with a quirk of her lips. âWe may have tomorrowâs front page in our hands.âÂ
Lavinia Nott brings the teacup to her mouth, her gaze slicing towards you. âDo tell us more. Where ever do you get your information from?â
You hide a coy smile behind the fine porcelain. âWhy, Lavinia dearest, if I reveal my secret now, I might have to kill you!â The drove of ladies giggle amongst themselves as Lavinia sips her tea impassively. You play these people like a fiddle, and theyâre none the wiser. But even vile women have to play their parts in the cruel world forged by mad men. Yours happens to be the most ill-fated of them all.Â
âA shame you decided not to pursue the same path as your mother, but that is alrightânot every one is fit to work.â The Selwyn matron raises her brow, offering you a tight-lipped smirk.
âOh, Elinor, my love, Iâm surprised youâd even suggest such a horrible thing!â Your grin grows wicked and wider. You know perfectly what the wizarding society thinks of you: the orphaned heir, the shallow socialite who only cares for gallivanting about in pureblooded extravaganzas. A status youâve so carefully fashioned; utterly beloved and adored by these people, flowers falling at your feet with so much as a whisper from your lips.Â
Your gaze drifts to a familiar crowd of people to the side. Itâs the pack of lions and The-Boy-Who-Lived. There they are, the marauding bunch and their displays of loyalty and whatnot; hideously coordinated outfits, but capturing the worldâs attention constantly and effortlessly.Â
How repulsive.
In spite of that, you are intrigued. They are the section that plays out of tune in the orchestra you have been conducting for years.
And so you bid your goodbyes to the witches; they fawn and beg for you to stay for an hour more. You pout your lips and say with faux sympathy, hand flying to your chest. âOh, donât worry, my dears! Iâll be back soon enough after greeting some of the other guests. You lovely ladies might tire of me if I stay for too long.â
Melina Traverse brushes you off. âWe could never! You know youâre like family to us, pet!â
With a delighted gasp, you say, âDonât tell Narcissa, but youâve always been my favorite Slytherin.â The venom flows endlessly from your lips. You owe your life to only a handful of people. Narcissa Malfoy, who raised you when your mother no longer could, is one of them. Finally, youâre able to sneak away from their freshly manicured talons as they tittle-tattle amongst themselves.
Once your back is turned to the rest of them, you roll your eyes until your head begins hurting.Â
What a bunch of insufferable fools.Â
Still, the show curtains are wide open and the sun is yet to set. You have another audience that is awaiting your next number.Â
âOh, my, my, my! Is it truly the Chosen One in our midst?â You approach the horrid family of Gryffindorsânearly doubling over in laughter at the speed with which their faces fall at the sight of you. How refreshing, you think to yourself. Itâs been so long since youâve seen people who wore their hearts on their sleeves. âCissa and I didnât think youâd even respond to our invitationâbut this is just brilliant! Lily, darling! How long has it been? That dress looks utterly divine! Is that Charmeuse silk? The purple simply brings out the color in your eyes! And your skin, my love! Just glowing! Tell meâhave you been trying those snail facials? I hear theyâre all the rage nowadays.â
Sirius grimaces, cheeks turning ashen. âBloody hell, Iâm going to need a drink for this. A strong one, too.âÂ
âYouâre at a garden party, Sirius darling,â you remind in jest, flamboyantly motioning to the grazing table. âThe elves are serving Darjeeling, jasmine, chamomile, berry blends, spiced orange, silver needle, and my personal favorite, chocolate mint!â There are strings of lights wrapped around the tree branches; floating lanterns and the hydrangeas creeping on the stone walls. You put a hand over your heart, smiling knavishly. âFrom the Malfoy family, to yours, we sincerely hope you enjoy your brunch.âÂ
Lily deeply inhales as she intertwines her fingers with Jamesâs, a polite smile on her faceâan odd pang in your heart at the show of solidarity. (She questions how sincere can a Malfoy really be.) âY-Yes, well, itâs so good to see you, too. Weâre grateful for the invitation, especially since itâs for a rather honorable cause.âÂ
Ah, pure-hearted creatures really do get on your nerves. Lion hearts; words dripping in honey, limitless bravado. Youâve changed your mind, youâre sick of it all. A flash of vindictive glee crosses your face as you abruptly grab her hand, wrenching it away from her husbandâs. âWe just knew youâd see it that way! You probably see yourself in those Muggle children, eh?â
Lily recoils, as if struck by hot iron, shoulders tensing; slowly, she peels away her hand from yours, long lashes blinking away her shock. âYou and Narcissa must be raising a lot of money, then.â She eyes the marble fountain adorned in white roses, the harmonizing gnomes nearby, self-playing harps, and the scrutinizing stares from afar. âI never knew you cared so much about Muggle children.â
âWell, I suppose it must be done for all the pudgy-cheeked brats in the world,â You callously wave away her words with a sigh. Unbeknownst to most, all the charity proceeds come from your own Gringotts account. That is the one real thing left in your miserable life. âAs staff at Hogwarts, the children must come first, wouldnât you agree, Lily flower?â
âQuite,â replies Lily, lips firmly pursed.
James enters the fray, hand snaking around Lilyâs waist; jaw taut, seeming to regret ever entering the snake den. âHave you met our son, Harry, already?â He turns to the fourteen-year-old at his left side, gently patting Harryâs back with a crooked smile. âHaz, this is an old classmate of ours.â James gestures to you, and you offer the Potter spawn an amused smile as he blinks owlishly at you. The poor thing has gone frigid from the wintry cold, despite the summer sun overhead and blooming coneflowers; and you wonder if he must have run into Draco and Lucius before coming to the garden.
So this is the child the Dark Lord failed to kill, you muse. You only wish that you could have seen that monster fall to the ground lifelessly, defeated by an infant and his courageous parents. How fitting for men like Lucius Malfoy to follow in his footsteps; the blind leading the blind. Your grin stretches from ear to ear as you take his hand in yours. Clearly, heâs never held a girlâs hand before, as he limply shakes your hand, awkwardly spluttering his greetings. âWhat an honor it is to finally meet the savior of the wizarding world.âÂ
âWhy, you look just like James when he was younger, always strutting around the corridors.â Your eyes drift to the lightning scar on his forehead, a testament to his and Lilyâs survival against the killing curse. âAnd such clear-cut emerald eyes; truly your motherâs son. Tell me, Harry dearest, you must be quite the heartbreaker at Hogwarts.â
His doe-eyes harden, and your brow quirks in curiosity. (So the littlest lion can growl, after all.) âOh. . . not really.â His hand hangs back at his side, fists coiling. The robins chirp merrily as they fly by, his parents carefully watching the scene unfold; water endlessly splashing in the fountain. Harryâs voice deepens as he continues, âI couldnât be. My friends and I barely have time for anything else. There always seems to be something going on at the castle, apparently.â Â
âHow interestingâElsie!â You bark at the quivering house elf as Harry stumbles on his words. âGet Mister Potter and his company a plate of macaronsâserve them our finest tea, as well.âÂ
Harry winces as the elf apparates at once. âThereâs r-really no need forââ
Your gaze, sharp as a knife, slices to him, as the corners of your painted lips bend contemptuously. âHave you heard the news, dearheart?â
Harry looks to his father before shrugging. âI donât think so.â
âIf Mister Lupin here has so graciously informed you,â you begin tantalizingly, eyes cutting to the rugged werewolf at Lilyâs side; his back stiffening at the mention of his name, âOtherwise, keep this between you and me, Harry darling. Hogwarts will be hosting a rather important event this yearâand I do love a good partyâso you must have noticed the rise in appearances from the Ministry.â You gesture to the top Aurors at the DMLE towering over Harry, Sirius and James. âMore than that,â you continue with a sly cant to your voice. âThere will be a few new additions to Hogwartsâ staff. Among them, of courseâis yours truly!â
âAnd to do what, exactly?â Sirius blurts out incredulously.
âBe a teacher, of course!â you feign ignorance, bashfully furrowing your brows. âWhy else?â
âBrilliant!â Sirius chuckles scornfully. âSo, the children will be learning about French designers and frilly dresses then, I presume?
âIs that truly all you think of me?â you ask, gasping melodramatically as you circle the rim of your empty teacup.Â
âYou want to know what I think? Or what everyone thought behind your back at Hogwarts?â Sirius scoffs with a cock of his head. âYouâve always been the belle of the ball, no bloody doubt about that. But Iâve always wondered if there was anything more to your head than just air.âÂ
He runs a hand through his dark curls, lips twisting into a sneer. âBut I reckon nothing has changed since then. Youâre just the same insufferable, vapid wench as youâve always been.â
âSirius. . .â Remus quietly calls. âThatâs enough.âÂ
Your expression faltersâbut your mask cannot afford even a moment of rest. A jarring note in the lullaby plays as the ceramic ballerina stops turning. You let the minutes pass by fleetingly; it seems the self-playing chordophones have changed their tune, as well. You watch as the canary diamonds in your bracelet glint against the sunlight. (You are growing tired of the blinding show lights, unrelenting crowd, and never-ending play. Where is the reprieve, you wonder, for the tormented primadonna and her aching soul?)
The strings are now dipped in blood as your tears polish the stage. Your joints have twisted, bent, and danced. You wonder, how long must it be until you are rid of the starring role?
You muster a coy smile, fluttering your lashes at the heir of the most noble and ancient House. âSuch crude language, Mister Black,â you say, albeit your voice has gone mellow; nails drumming against the table surface as the guests mingle with one another. The unbearably dull conversations buzz in your ear. You notice Draco and Astoria Greengrass heading for the glasshouse. You consider stealing her lace parasol and whacking Sirius with it, and the thought fills you with immense joy.Â
Unfortunately, they are your guests, and you are nothing if not the most polite host. âPerhaps, I am not the only one who hasnât grown out of their immature habits,â you say, eyeing his shoulder-length hair, spiky ear piercings, and leather jacket. That damned leather jacket of his. It irks you that he and his kind can show insolence freely without bearing any repercussions. (But youâd die before you ever feel envy for a man like Sirius Black.) The sun fades behind the clouds, and your mask slips perfectly into place once more.
âWhat is it that happened again? Between you and Severus Snape in sixth-year?â You tap your chin pensively, taking cruel satisfaction in the stutter in Siriusâs breath and Remusâs parted lips, ever stupefied. You gaze fiendishly at Remus. âOh, silly me, Iâve gone off topic. Well, anyhow, I just wanted to say, I believe the students are in rather good hands this year. I just hope Dumbledore doesnât accidentally let an infected beast roam the halls of Hogwarts.âÂ
Your eyes flash impishly. âWouldnât you agree, Mister Lupin?â
Lily curls her lip viciously. âJust what exactlyâ?â
âElsie has returned, master.â The house elf bows her head just as the antique bistro table is circled with macarons, cucumber sandwiches, miniature cocktail buns, and slices of pound cake. Lily retracts her hand, grinding her jaw as she swallows the words in her throat.
âYou may go, Elsie, thank you.â With a guileful smirk, you levitate the teapot towards James and Harry, dutifully filling their cups; steam soon arising from the Chinese porcelain. You nod at the group. âItâs jasmine pearl,â you explain haughtily. âCarefully handcrafted tea from harvested leaves and flowers. Such exquisiteness that you wonât be able to find anywhere else.â
âDo enjoy your tea; Cissa and I made sure to spare no expense for our guests.â The teapot carefully lands back on the table. The sinfonietta ends, and so does your time with this particular audience. What misfortune, that you wonât receive your flowers for todayâs performance. You pivot on your heels, flinging them a lukewarm goodbye. âDo excuse me, for I must tend to the new arrivals. I believe I see Missus Parkinson over there by the koi pond. Cissa might have my head if I neglect my responsibilities.â
You turn your head, tossing a wink at Lily. âToday, after all, is for the children.â
Alas, it is not Persephone Parkinson you head towards.Â
You briefly exchange tepid pleasantries with Lavinia Greengrass before walking past the koi pond to the edges of the garden, far beyond prying eyes and ears. There, like a brooding Dementor drifting through a frozen lake, waits your true target. Sadly, it is only a dour-faced professor, a long time confrĂšre of yours, to be precise. There are only a handful of people to whom you are indebted. Severus Tobias Snape is one of those few.Â
With a flick of your wand, you covertly cast the silencing charm upon the elusive spot Severus had chosen. There is no need for these edacious vultures to prey on your conversation. They are better off with their tĂȘte-Ă -tĂȘtes and syrupy pikelets. You drown out the chamber orchestraâs symphony, the clinking of champagne glasses, the rustling leaves and ringing wind chimes. âSeverus darling,â you say liltingly, feet shuffling to his side as you playfully ghost your palm against his nape. He barely spares you a glance as a breeze courses through the rippling lake water. âYouâre missing out on the festivities, you know.â
âHave you finally finished tormenting Narcissaâs visitors?â he drawls, at long last acknowledging your presence and sharply raising a brow at your saccharine-sweet smile.
âWhy, Iâd never dare to do such a thing,â you reply with a theatrical sway of your head. âI simply conversed with the ladies and had a delightful run-in with your old flame, Lily. Do you remember her, my sweet? Ghastly red hair, pale skin, and, oh, those green eyes. It must be infuriating to look like that,â you rattle away to the only entity willing to listen to you in his company: the wind.
âSpare me,â he drones, lips curved impatiently.
You moue. âEver the bore, you are, Severus. Shall I fetch you a platter of brandy snaps?â
âShall I sit around while I wait?â Snapeâs lips contort into a sour grimace, eyes rolling to the back of his head. âThe Dark Lord himself might even find time to rise from his grave.â
âSeverus dear, if I didnât know any better, Iâd say you were trying to tell me something.â You eye him slyly, mouth tipping into a smirk as a dragonfly hovers by the waterline, avidly stalked by the dwarf frog on a lily pad. âSo,â you pry, âdid you have something important to tell me? I promised Mister Goyle Iâd have a drink with him.â
The frog splashes into the lake, and the dragonfly flutters away without a care. Severus clandestinely slips a piece of paper into your palm as he swivels around, dark cloak billowing. âEnsure that nothing traces back to you,â he snarls. âClearly I do know better, Severus.â You toy with the paper between your fingers, a sense of exhilaration running up your spine. âNot to worry,â you say with a clipped smile, a serpentine glare in your eyes, âI always do as I am told.â
(Severus, not for the first time in his life, wonders if the Sorting Hat made a mistake when it sorted you into Hufflepuff.)Â
act ii. tonight, letâs start the masquerade.
THE NIGHT GROWS weary, and so do the alleys of Knockturn; neglected as your hooded figure navigates through the brick road, only the caged owls and flickering stars to notice your presence. You fainly traipse amongst the shadows, a moment of surrender from the spotlight and malignant eyes; a brief interlude in the performance. Past the hanging doll heads in the windows of Borgin & Burkes, you find a lonely shop. Inside the locket of your ring, lies a slip of paper that had been given to you earlier this afternoon. Well, Severus, you think to yourself, idly twisting the ring on your finger, letâs see where you sent me to this time.
And so, the stage actor calls for a costume change. âAlohomora.â
With one last glance at the dimly-lit passage, you enter the boutique. The brass shop bell accompanies your entrance, but no owner appears to greet youâand if there was, well, you have quite a unique way of saying hello. Your fingers feather across the dusty bookshelves, eyes raking through the broken staircase, the faint scent of ginger, rosemary, and mugwort pervades the room; a shattered crystal ball sits in the center of the shop desk, ripped paintings on the wall. A grimace pulls at your lips as you come across a familiar ivory mask. A Death Eater maskâitâs warm to touch; recently worn, perchance. You bury the strong urge to set it on fire.Â
Thereâs a shift in the air, a creak in the floorboardsâin an instant, you whip your wand out from its leather holster.Â
âReveal yourself,â you whisper curtly.
To the naked eye, there is only one intruder in the dingy parlor. To you, however, there is an obscure silhouette of a stranger covered by a glimmering veil. You hold onto your wand resolutely. If it was an enemy, youâd be blown into the walls by now. âThis isnât an ensemble stage, you know,â you chuff impatiently, âIâm not fond of sharing the spotlight with lineless extras.âÂ
The disillusionment charm slowly unveils, and you wait unblinking, until you see a familiar face standing before you. Mid-length curly hair that falls over gray, dagger-like eyes, the irksome scent of tobacco, and a frightening similarity to his elder brother.Â
There are exactly five people youâd risk your life for, and right now, youâre digging the tip of your wand into their neck.
âMister Regulus Black,â you greet with a playful edge to your voice, eyes narrowing. âSeverus didnât mention weâd be running into each other tonight.âÂ
âThatâs because I didnât tell Sev Iâd be here,â says Regulus, dimples poking out as he swats your wand away from his throat. âI might go mad if I have to stay inside for another bloody week, thereâs only so many times I can re-read Good Omensâand by the way, did anyone ever tell you how dramatic you are? Lineless extras, really?âÂ
You hide a fond smile with a roll of your eyes, whirling around to browse the glass cabinets and leather journals on the table, returning to the task at hand. âAnd so you thought going outside and risking someone seeing you in the open was a good idea? Reggie darling, I often think about the possibility of Walburga dropping you on the head as an infant.âÂ
Regulus shoves his hands inside his trouser pockets as he hovers over your shoulders like a lost, overgrown duckling. âWasnât it Cissaâs soirĂ©e today? Did you jinx the statues like I told you to?âÂ
âWho do you think I am?â you say haughtily, pausing in your search to half-heartedly glare at him. And after a momentâs pause, you jerk your shoulder and coyly respond with a side-smirk, âOf course I did. The young Mister Flint nearly screamed his head off.â You hum reminiscently, âtruthfully, itâs been quite a while since I heard Draco laugh like that these days. For breakfast, I hear about the Granger girl, and then for lunch, I hear about the Weasley children, and for dinner, itâs an hour-long spiel on the famed Harry Potter.âÂ
Regulus chortles in amusement as he hops onto the shop counter, kicking back his chunky boots. âAnd, then? Did you see my brother?âÂ
âOh, darling, I did more than that,â you mutter offhandedly, leafing through the paraphernalias and foul-smelling potion flasks.Â
âHow was he? Is he doing well? Merlin, I think itâs been so long since I saw his face.â Thereâs a lapse of silence between you and Regulus. A lizard scurries across the room, chasing after a line of ants. The younger wizard taints the quietude with a long, frustrated sigh. âSorry, I just. . .â He slumps his shoulders in resignation. âI wouldnât have to ask so many questions if. . . if I could just. . .â
âI donât understand why I have to hide from my own family.â With a jagged whisper, he says, âI feel like Iâm losing my mind. Like I canât believe that Iâm really here, I donât even know if I exist sometimes.âÂ
You grimace as you turn to look at him, hand flinching as if wanting to reach out to him. Instead, you avert your gaze and continue scouring the room. âItâs forââ
âMy own good, I know,â Regulus blows a strand of hair away from his forehead. He jumps off the counter with a hardened stare. You glance at his back as he bends to pick at the marks on the floor. At times like this, you remember how small and young Regulus had been when you found him moribund from lake inferis. What a cruel price to pay in exchange for his survival, you think.Â
For Regulus Black has to remain dead to the wizarding world, stuck in an interminable masquerade, waiting until the hour is up for his performance.Â
All the worldâs a stage, and for the best of the actors and actresses, it seems the production never ends.Â
âHow long do you think itâs going to stay like this? For you, me, Sev? For Cissa?â As he stands on his toes to inspect the top of a dusty cupboard, Regulus veers his head to peek at your expression, frowning when he finds none. (Youâve no answers for him, after all; the entirety of your life was spent wondering that exact same question. All you know is that the show must go on until the audience tires of the starving artist.) âNever mind, letâs just focus on finding whatever you were trying to find here.â He walks past his reflection in the vintage carved mirror. âWhat are we looking for, anyway?âÂ
You wish to offer solace to a cherished friend, but duties are meant to be fulfilled. For now, to do what is right must come first. Your fingers slither up the side of a bookcase, a wooden ladder resting against the shelves. The mahogany is freshly varnished, the stench of glue is prominent, and deep scratches indent the floor. Itâs an empty treasure cove, barely anything displayed on the racks. You grit your teeth as you realize itâs been well-maintained compared to the obsolete state of the room. âHere,â you rasp, abruptly snapping your head to look back at him.
He furrows his brow. âWhat?âÂ
You beckon him to the corner of the room from where you stand, wooden planks creaking as you push at the bookcase. âHelp me with this, Regulus. There could be something behind it.â You clench your jaw as you lean your weight onto the cabinet frame.
âWhy donât we just, I donât know,â Regulus cocks his head as he waves his wand in the air. âUse magic?â he offers discreetly, as though divulging a century-old secret. âI suggest Bombarda for maximum efficiency.âÂ
You stare at him vacantly. âRegulus dearheart, I hold a stupendous amount of tolerance for you, but there is absolutely no way we are drawing attention to ourselves via explosion spells in the dead of the night.âÂ
He grins boyishly before ushering you away. âAlright, alright, I was only taking the mickey out of you.â Soon after, Regulus deftly mutters a levitation charm, his wand steadfast as the bookcase slowly detaches from the floor. You take a couple of steps backward, lips pursed as you observe Regulus concentrate on his work.Â
You note to yourself to have a conversation about Regulusâs restlessness with Severus. It could pose a liability and pull the curtains on the entire pasquinade. âCareful,â you keep a tight watch on Regulusâs pinched brows, his hovering wand, and the steadily moving bookshelf.Â
âLike taking jelly slugs from a first-year,â he says flippantly, beaming at you as his dark curls sweep over his eyes.Â
You give him an exasperated scowl before side-stepping his quip as you descry a faint outline of a door in the plastered wall. You feel a rumble in the ground, muffled noises behind the shrouded entrance. âReady your wand, Regulus,â you say grimly, hand reaching for the doorknob, looking back in time to catch his smirk fade into a distant expression, âI believe what awaits wonât be as simple as that.âÂ
A grave tenor disquiets the room, your free hand already grasping for your wand. Regulus stands at your side, nodding as you take a sharp breath. He offers his back to you, in spite of the looming danger. (A sadistic part of you finds comfort in his presence tonight, but neither of you can truly share the burdens of your harrowing façades. Tomorrow, you play the lone star once more; and he, the dead brother and son. But today, you must simply share the stage.)Â
You twist the knob until a click pierces the heavy silence.
You wait with a bated breath, expecting creatures and spells to come hurling in your direction. The room ahead is enshrouded with darkness. You share a terse nod with Regulus as a ball of light appears at the tip of your wands. Regulus moves to take a step forward, but you block him with your arm. âIâll go first,â you say breathily, curtly glancing at the Death Eater Mask. âIt could be cursed the moment we step inside.â Regulus presses his lips into a white line, clearly unhappy with your decision, but relents nonetheless.Â
Rough, travertine flooring begins where the woodwork ends; a gust of wind howls into the dark chamber. Wordlessly, you call for your patronus to investigate inside; thin, silvery wisps floating in the air, its light hauntingly beautiful against the unilluminated dungeon. You hear heavy chains dragging across the ground and the harmony of timid footfalls. A drop of water falls onto the cracked stone. Regulus grinds down on his jaw as he readies his wand.Â
After an eternity of waiting, you snap your wand to set the torches alight.Â
A pronounced chill runs up your spine; a stutter in your breath. You nearly stagger at the sight unveiled before you. If you had been a weaker wizard, youâd have dropped your wand already. âThis. . .â you say hoarsely, eyes wide, blood simmering in your veins.Â
Children.
Little ones as young as ten-years-old, barely coming up to your stomach, staring up at you with bloodshot eyes. Their skinny arms are covered in grime and wear pathetic rags for clothes. Moss grows in every corner of the room. Emaciated mattresses on metal beds. âBloody hell,â Regulus growls, chest heaving. âWhat the fuck?âÂ
âItâs a prison,â you whisper, horrified. There must be more than twelve children standing before you. Bile rises to your throat. You worry about your wand breaking in half, but the overwhelming sense of dread traps you in position.Â
âAre. . . are you with the bad men?â A brave, young girl with owlish eyes protectively steps forward in front of her companions. âNo,â you answer gently, bending down on one knee to meet her eyes. You were neither good, or bad, but there is no magic on earth that would make you harm these children.Â
Regulus calls your name. âTheyâre Muggles,â he hisses angrily. âI donât sense any magic from any of them.â He exhales in frustration. âWhat the hell are they doing with Muggle children?âÂ
You grind down on your teeth, nearly dizzy with anger. You forgo a response to Regulus in favor of clasping your cloak around the trembling child. Soon after, you blanket the room in a warming charm. âTend to their wounds,â you say sharply. âIâll see what I can do about the chains.â And you will do something about those shackles, if itâs the last thing you do. âWeâre going to get you out of here, I promise,â you tell the girl, stolid as you pat her head.
Except, the brass bell rings once more and everyone stiffens in alert. The children begin whimpering amongst themselves. Slow, deliberate footsteps reverberate from the shop into the icy-cold room. The hairs on the back of your neck rise.
âMove out of the way!â you yell, veins straining against your neck, just as youâre blown into the stone walls.Â
Regulus screams out your name, but you barely hear anything over the ringing in your ears; through blurring vision, you see the children and Regulus unharmed. Relief floods through you as you sluggishly rise from the floor. Thereâs a large crater in the wall from the impact; luckily, the tethers to the chains were demolished, as well. âGet them to the safehouse,â you order, blood trickling from your lips. You hardly feel your arms and legs; thereâs an ache in the back of your head, your spine feels as though itâs been snapped in half. Youâre definitely going to feel this tomorrow. Regulus hesitates to leave, hands laid on the shoulders of the children as he glowers at the newcomer. âNow!â you bellow gutturally.Â
A muscle ticks in Regulusâs jaw, but as he finally apparates with as many children as he can, you finally stop holding your breath. âItâs okay,â you reassure the wee boys clinging onto each other for comfort, limping to their side. âIâm rather strong, you know. Stronger than any of the bad men.â
In every duel, you allow yourself to be hit only onceâdriven by your inhuman desire to feel something other than the emptiness of your unbroken charade.Â
(And for years, you have waited for anyone to say these two specific words: Avada Kedavra.)Â
âGo,â you instruct gently, brushing away the tendrils of hair from the little boyâs forehead. âHide and wait until my companion comes for you.â
âAnd as for the ill-mannered invader,â you crane your head towards the entrance of the chamber, eyes raking over the tall figureâs bloodthirsty stance and flittering cloak. Thereâs a lack of silver mask, but you know well the stench of foreboding decay and malignity. At the speed of light, you aim your wand, âConfringo!â
You watch with a spiteful grin as the stranger is blasted across the room. The walls and ceilings threaten to crumble, and you can only hope that Severus wonât be too cross with you in the morning. You point your wand at the uninvited guestâs heart. Nothing will trace back to you, that much you are certain of.
After all, no one would suspect a vapid, insufferable boulevardier to be the greatest spy of the wizarding world.
A firebird caws in the distance.
And, scene.
act iii. whereâs your soul? whereâs your dream? do you think youâre alive?
âAPPEARANCES ARE OF utmost importance.â You stand in the front of the Great Hall, sun rays streaming through the large, stained windows, wooden tables pushed to the walls; accoutered in a black velvet capelet with gold trimmings and vintage dragonhide boots. The sleeves of your blouse are lined with handwoven, gothic lace; trousers made of the finest yellow satin. It is a testament to your Houseâthe cete of badgers. (You seize everyoneâs attentionâwhether the two Aurors in the corner like it or not.)
After a descanting introduction, you are given center stage before the students of Gryffindor and Slytherin. With a swing in your step and a wrest in your voice, you continue, âThat is why the Headmaster, Dumbledore himself, invited me to personally facilitate this yearïżœïżœs Tri-Wizard Tournament. As hosts of the event, excellence is expected of us. Professor McGonagall has graciously allowed me to take charge of your lessons, particularly in the art of dancing.â Your eyes gleam as you offer the young fourth-years a graceful reverence. âAnd our first lesson begins straight away.â
The crowd of students transfigure into a sea of curious eyes and flabbergasted whispers. You derisively watch the chaos unfold with an amused grin. Yet, youâre not the least bit worried. Youâve charmed even a flock of Dementors before, the creatures having been drawn to your voice, ostentatious stature, and the dark depths of your soul; like a bee to a field of flowers. A class full of awkward teenagers should be more than easy for you.Â
âNow, now, children,â you clap your hands as you make your way to the heart of the room, leaving a trail of softening murmurs. âThe Yule Ball is a revered tradition, an exhibit of togetherness that has lasted for hundreds years.â You lift your nose up in the air as the girls look at one another, barely able to hide their giddy smiles and discreet glances across the hall. âAs such, it is my venerable duty to oversee your etiquette in and out of the ballroom.â
(Sirius rolls his eyes from where he sits besides James.)
âMister Filch, if you please.â With a flutter of your lashes and a poised smile, you beckon for the school caretaker who flounders to the gramophone. You wink at the young miss Pansy Parkinson who stares up at you in awe. Soon thereafter, you hear the soft melody of LĂ©o Delibesâs Valse. CoppĂ©lia, you simper to yourselfâa story close to your heart. (Youâve always found a winsome irony in a marionette like you dancing to the enamel-eyed girlâs song.)
âA dance, while enjoyable by oneâs lonesome, is best savored with a partner,â you begin vivaciously, eyeing the gentlemen in particular. âYour date for the night must be aware that youâve chosen them out of your own volition and undue necessity.â Your stare drifts to the coterie of young Gryffindors, tittering mischievously. âShall we have a demonstration from the House of courage and splendor?â
âNo one?â You raise a brow curiously when youâre met with silence and averted gazes. You then utter the scariest phrase a professor could say to their students: âIâll choose the lucky student myself.âÂ
You survey the pack of lion cubs, drifting through the tuffs of flashing red hair; gangly boys raucously kicking and pushing at each other to volunteer for your teach-in on ballroom dancing. You flash the students a vexatious grin. âMister Harry Potter?â you call out to the ashen-faced boy with your hand outstretched. âWhy donât we let the Chosen One set an example to his peers?âÂ
Hollers and cheers break out across the hall; not withholding the mirthful giggles of the doves on the other side of the room, wonderstruck by his green eyes and lightning scar. You motion for Harry to join you on the pseudo dance floor. The Weasley twins take delight in clapping and wisecracking into his ears until Harry reluctantly rises to his feet, a blooming shade of red on his neck and cheeks.Â
âAs you approach your partner with the grace of a majestic stag,â you acclaim to the class whilst Harry approaches you with a wry grin and hands shoved inside his robe pockets, âAnd not a newborn foal.â You place your hand in his, âYou may now invite your lady to dance.â
âOr your beau,â you add spiritedly, eyes gleaming as Harry chokes on his saliva.
You pat his back as the music comes to a sweet-sounding crescendo. âDancing is about connection,â you turn to the students with a stern gaze. âIf your posture crumbles, there goes your confidence, as well. At all times, you must maintain eye contact,â you say sharply as you tilt Harryâs chin and correct the arch of his arms. âRemember, itâs not ballroom if thereâs no trust. Lean onto one another, and then. . .â You lay your palm onto his shoulder. âThe feet should follow the music.â
Unfortunately, Harry runs on two left feet and both persistently evade the music. On the umpteenth time he stumbles on your shoes, heâs appraised by snickers and low whistles from either side of the hall. The Weasley twins in particular seem thrilled by Harryâs flailing arms and bewildered expression. Along with the two Aurors whoâve skipped their aurorly duties to patrol the castle in favor of heckling their ward. âYouâre doing it wrong, James!â shouts Sirius through cupped hands, shoulders shaking in laughter.Â
âWhy donât you try it, Padfoot?â Harry retorts back to him; thick hair flopping over his eyes as he grates his teeth. Youâre given no warning as Harry extracts himself from your grip and stalks over to where Sirius and James sit comfortably.Â
You blink, dumbfounded. âHarry dearest, I donât believe that is necessaryâ!â
âGo on then,â says Harry, jerking his head. âShow us all how to do it.âÂ
To the side, Ron guffaws into his fist, brought nearly to tears. (Earlier he was apprehensive about the class. âWeâve got a whole new professor just for twirling around and all that girlish stuff?â he had asked in disbelief before entering the Great Hall.
âShut your mouth, Weasley,â growls Draco Malfoy as he shoves past Harry and Hermione to head inside the hall.)
Sirius grins roguishly, having the gall to bat his eyes in confusion. âWho? Me?â He chuckles before forcibly slapping Jamesâs back with the flat of his palm. âNo, no. The honor should go to the debonair of his time.â Trenchant eyes flicker with mischief. âHave at it, James. How will the children ever learn without a proper demonstration?âÂ
âGo on, Sir Prongs!â exclaims one of the red-headed twins. âShow us how itâs done!âÂ
Alarmingly, the bespectacled man resigns to his fate, a deafening ovation as he shrugs his robes off, generously revealing his broad shoulders in a tight, black turtleneck; a leather wand holster across his chest; long legs framed by pleated trousers. You bite down on your tongue as James draws closer to you, a hint of a smirk on his lips. With an unerring arch of his back, he holds out his hand for you to take, âMay I have this dance?âÂ
Your breath stuttersâif only for a moment. One cannot deny that James Potter is deviously more appealing to the eye than the dance partners youâve had during Narcissaâs galas. Perfectly-carved cheekbones and golden hoops dangling from his ears; bright, hazel eyes girdled by rectangular glasses. âWell,â you say, pursing your lips as you slip your palm into his. âIf you must.âÂ
In contrast to his son, James needs little-to-no guidance from you. Youâd have assumed that much, considering that both James and Sirius grew up in pure-blood customs. The warmth of his hand on your back is scalding. He spins you along to the songâs aria; the two of you gliding effortlessly through the soapstone floors. Any more closer to him and youâd be able to hear his heartbeat. âThere will be lifts, turns, and dips during a waltz,â you inform the class as you demonstrate a twirl vine. âYou will rise and you will fall together with your partner. Understand?âÂ
James chuckles at the wistful sighs and horrified groans that erupt through the Great Hall. âYouâre good with the children, you know,â he remarks cheekily as he gently lowers you to the ground, hand steadfast on your waist. You hear his unsaid words clearly: Sirius thought youâd be downright rubbish at it.Â
âWell, Mister Potter,â you say breathlessly, clasping your arms around his neck once more. âTo some of the students here, frilly dresses and French designers are their entire world.â Your chin all but perched atop Jamesâs shoulders; the scent of his famed Sleekeazy potion and vetiverâdew on fresh grass on a warm sunny dayâfills your senses. You cast a sniffy glare in Siriusâs way, to which he responds with a raised brow.Â
âBit shallow, isnât it?â he murmurs, chest rumbling and his breath hot on your ear.Â
You scoff. âOne could argue the same for a young Seeker whoâs been given their first ever broom.âÂ
James Potter has the nerve to smile at you. And as you move to extricate yourself from his hold, James mindlessly lets his hand fall from your waist to your hipâincidentally, where youâve been nursing a heavy fracture. Sore bruises from chasing vampires the night prior as you were out hunting allies of the Dark Lord from the first wizarding war. Although you had drowned yourself in pain relief elixirs, it seems youâre more sensitive and hurt than you thought.Â
Even statues of white gold chip and fade over timeâyouâre reminded of this fact quite painfully. You roughly push James away from you, hissing in pain as you cradle the left side of your hip. Memories of crimson-stained teeth and rotten, pale skin flash before your eyes. You remember the stench of blood, and the feel of their nails slashing into your thighs. But most of all, you remember their ear-piercing shrieks just before you drive the stake into their chests, one by one, until you have left a graveyard of vampires in the outskirts of an abandoned mansion.Â
James furrows his brow immediately as you cave in on yourself. (Even Sirius surges to his feet.) âWhatâs wrong?â
Occlude! Occludeâyou must occlude immediately!Â
With a sharp inhale, you close off your emotions for anyone else to see. âIt is nothing of your concern, Mister Potter,â you respond blankly, as though your soul is locked far away. âI do believe weâre done here.â You step further away from him. Your attention shifts to the students as you fold your hands behind your back, lips curling into a virulent smile. The weight of your mask is comforting; youâve forgotten how to breathe without it. âNow, letâs have the students pair up and practice what theyâve learned so far. Iâll have no patience for dilly-dallying and nescience on my watch. Youâll dance until I tell you to stop. Youâll practice until the soles of your feet are sore and raw.â
That, after all, is how you learned.
The class goes by accordingly; you maintain a distance from Sirius and James, turning a blind eye to their burdensome sympathy. (Gryffindors and their bleeding heartsâit always unnerves you how easily the avowed Marauders get deep under your skin.) You nip at the studentsâ heels, righting their poor footwork; looping the music until you are certain theyâd hear it in their nightmares. To your surprise, the round-cheeked Neville Longbottom takes all your instructions in stride. From the moment that you allow Filch to lift the tonearm, the students practically fall to the floor, heaving; some forsaking their long robes and tying their hair in flimsy ponytails.Â
As the students retreat from the Great Hall, you slink away into the crowd of Slytherins, desperate to avoid a particular duo of Aurorsâno doubt ready to probe you with questions. A numbing panic claws at your chest; black spots swallowing your vision. Emotionsâhow putrid. The studentsâ discordant chatter overwhelms your hearing, more than the ringing in your ears. The unyielding, outrĂ© stone walls feel like theyâre closing in on you. Still, you keep your head above the water, enduring every staggered breath. You must.Â
Whatâs wrong?Â
The question echoes in your head.Â
Ha!Â
You scream inwardly, if they only knew!Â
While you had been expecting either James or Sirius to ambush you, you do not expect to see Draco Malfoy shouting your name as you flee down an empty corridor.Â
The miniature Lucius Malfoy stands before you, grimacing as he clenches his fists tightly. âAre. . .â Dracoâs expression contorts morosely. âAre you alright? Theo and I were worried that the blood traitor upset you.â he spits his concern as if it were acid. Little snakes and their keen eyes.Â
âMind your language, Draco,â you reply cuttingly, eyes flashing as you lift your chin. And for his question, one that youâve been asked numerous times over the years, you have only ever had one answer. Despite the scars on your back, the tremors in your hands, the aching of your heart, and the endless bruises on your limbs, you tell him: âAnd do not ask what is not needed to be.âÂ
âYouâre hurt, arenât you?â he presses further, mouth pinched. âDonât treat me like a dim-witted child because Iâm not!âÂ
A hand lays on his shoulder, and to your chagrin, Severus makes his appearance, lips downturned and his gaze filled with subdued apathy. Your day is about to get worse. âPerhaps, it is best if you leave this discussion to the adults, Draco.â Snape drones, leaving no room for debate. He tightens his grip on the younger wizard. âI will not be inconvenienced to explain to Minerva as to why you were dawdling in the corridors.âÂ
In true Malfoy fashion, Draco sneers in disdain. He rips himself out of Snapeâs grasp with a scoff. As he storms past you, you sigh and pat his side.Â
When Draco disappears into the corner, you release a deep breath as you prepare for the onslaught to come. âJust get it over with, Severus,â you pinch the bridge of your nose, the pounding in your head growing more unbearable by the second.Â
You see his nostrils flare as Severus turns to glare at you. âI wonder,â he says through gritted teeth. âIf you are actually capable of following direct ordersâof using that near-empty brain of yours!â His upper lip curls back into a snarl, as he scours the empty hallway for any prowling ears. âYour stunt made it to the Daily Prophet. You were asked to proceed tactfully, were you not?âÂ
You lean against the wall, rubbing at the temples of your head. âAnd Iâve done my part. Every last one of themâdead by my hands. A problem you failed to deal with for the last two months. That I settled last night. Remind me why youâre still chittering into my ear, Severus darling?â
âDo not play coy with me,â he replies brusquely. âIâve heard the students tattling about it as though it were the most interesting event in their pathetic, insolent lives. The Embris Mansion burnt down to the ground. There are talks of a vigilante, a good-for-nothing do-gooder. You got sloppy!â
âAnd if I didâso what?â You retaliate, chest heaving as you step into his face. Truthfully, this isnât the first time youâve had this conversation with him. Over the years you have left some sort of mark on your work. Not a phoenix, but a firecrest. Wings outstretched in flames. All eyes are on the ungovernable hero, the Firebirdâand never on you, the foppy socialite. âWould it be so perverse to want even a slither of recognition, Severus?âÂ
âDo not forget your duty,â he taunts venomously, the cords in his neck going rigid. âTo the greater good you so earnestly fight for. Your duty to your mother.âÂ
âDo not talk about her!â you all but shout, magic sizzling in the air around you.Â
âThen see to it that there are no more mistakes going forward!â Severus juts his chin, baring his teeth in contempt.Â
After a few long moments, he continues with a resigned exhale, dragging his palm down his faceâas though you are the perplexing one. âThis. . . Moody has developed a habit of emptying my cupboards.âÂ
âAnd why, pray tell,â you retort gruffly, âshould I care for this oh-so special cupboard of yours?âÂ
âIt contains ingredients for Polyjuice potions!â he proclaims angrily. âGet to the bottom of this. Iâll not have a blithering fool like Pettigrew get to the students again. Do what you must, I have no interest in understanding the workings of your mindâas long as you do not draw unnecessary attention to yourself.âÂ
The sound of footfalls break you apart as Severus nimbly lifts the Notice-Me-Not charm he had cast earlier. Within seconds, you find Remus Lupin rounding the corner. Heâs dressed in his usual baggy, gray jumper; jaw clean-shaved, and pinkish scars against his skin. A well-loved quilted coat over his shouldersâhandmade by Lily, you presume. You notice the mismatched otter socks peeking from his loafers. Remus saunters down the hallway with tired eyes and a feeble smile as he stops right in front of you and Severus. He has a rather tall frame, slender even, despite his hunched shoulders.Â
âSnape,â Remus nods to him, gaze flickering back and forth as he attempts to discern what had transpiredâwell, youâre certainly in no rush to tattle and cry into his arms.Â
âProfessor,â he says to you, an ever curious smile on his face. âYouâre looking quite peaky. Is something the matter?â
âI am most certainly sound and fine, Mister Lupin,â you respond, irritated, as you wobble on your feet. You are at your witâs endâhow bothersome of it all. âShould you not be on your way to your next class, Professor?â you bite tiredly.Â
Remus shrugs, hazel-eyes crinkling in amusement. âMad-Eye is taking over my next class. I thought it would be good for the students to learn from a veteran Auror. Iâm sure he has much more experience to offer than me.âÂ
You scowl, his humility smothering you painfully. âWell, Iâve no interest in dragging my feet around. If youâll excuse me, gentlemen, I have a prior engagement with my cat and Iâm afraid Iâve left her alone for too long.âÂ
And as fate would have it, when you make haste for your quarters, you falter in your steps; lurching as your vision goes blurry. Your breath snags in your throat as Remus catches you by the waist. âPerhaps, we should get you to Lily,â offers Remus as he sets you upright, brows pinched worriedly, ignoring Snapeâs eye roll in the background.Â
âI said I was fine!â You blurt out, cradling the front of your head as you sway backwards; now seeing two Lupins and two Snapes. âMerlin, are all Gryffindors this bloody meddlesome? Must I repeat myself? I am fineâ!âÂ
Turns out, you are not fine.Â
The last thing you see before losing consciousness is a pair of brown eyes with flecks of gold, more beautiful than any full moon youâve ever seen.Â
 â
You wake up to a dry, sore throat; the bitter scent of infirmary disinfectantâa Muggleâs touch, no doubtâand concoctions of various healing potions. Your head is still pounding, but somewhat bearable. The room is small, privy to only teachers, you concludeâalthough, it is the very first time you have ended up in the infirmary. Remus Lupin would feel your wrath, youâd make sure of it. Your back stings as though it were doused in Dittany recently. As you nearly break the flower vase in an attempt to reach for the empty glass, the door creaks openâand in comes Lily Potter with her husbands.
âAm I in hell?â you eye them bitterly.Â
âNo,â says the youngest matron, dressed in her own version of the nurseâs uniform. Red vest over her white blouse, and a long, plaid skirt with pockets. Soft red hair tied back with a pink ribbon. Albeit, her expression is anything but sweet and delicate. âBut youâre in my office, which means you are now under my careâtherefore Iâd like you to explain why you have vampire toxins in your blood.âÂ
âAnd I would like to return to my quarters now, please,â you respond haughtily, referring to the private bedroom professors were offered in the castle. âIâve nothing to explain to someone who administers the diagnostic charm on my person without explicit permission to do so!â you exclaim, releasing a shuddery breath as your head throbs agonizingly.Â
âYou will listen to meâseven hours ago you were this close to paralysis!â Lily shouts right back, eyes glaring defiantlyâshe may have adhered to you in Malfoyâs territory, but no power holds more authority than an acclaimed healer over a patient. âIf you had been a Muggle, youâd be dead ten times over.â
âWell, now that weâve established that Iâm alive and well, I suppose we have no more pleasantries to exchange, Lily darling.â You tear the flimsy blanket from your legs, grimacing at the bandages covering your skin.Â
âNot before you tell us where those bruises came from,â Sirius demands, voice low and knife-like eyes on you.Â
âMust have been the Nargles,â you reply sarcastically. No one would care for a bonny doll ripping apart at the seams and gathering dust on a childâs shelf. âTheyâre quite frisky this time of the year, didnât you know? My good friend Xenophilius wrote about those creatures a long time ago. Good read, Iâd say.âÂ
âAre you capable of taking anything seriously?â cuts Sirius with a snarl, tendrils of hair curling around his face; hints of tattoos peeking out from his leather jacket. Vermillion satin shirt clashing against his pale skin. The lingering smell of lit cigars only reminds you of Regulus, and so you tear your gaze away from Sirius.Â
âSirius, letâs not scare her off now, love,â Remus admonishes, softly resting his palm at the back of Siriusâs neck, before he stares at you with honey-dripping eyes. You have a desperate need to run away. Theyâre an uncharted danger that you arenât familiar with navigatingâand you figure young Harry wouldnât appreciate you treating his parents like a rabid vampire. âWe just want to know what happened, you looked worse for wear when we brought you to Lily and Madam Pomfrey,â Remus placates, treating you like a crow with its wing snapped in half.Â
You sneer. âIf I am not dead, then these wounds hardly matter to me.âÂ
Lily gasps, a sound so soft only the wind could have possibly heard it. âHow could you say that?â she asks, hand flying to her lips. âOf course it matters, you had lost so much blood while we tried to get the toxins flushed from your system.â She stares at the puncture mark on your arm, before peering over at Sirius. âWe nearly couldnât find a match to your blood type. Sirius. . . Well, heâs a universal donor and he didnât even hesitate in giving you hisââ
âGiving me what?â you echo lowly. âWhat did Sirius give me, Lily?â
âBlood,â Lily says firmly. âHe gave you his blood so you could live.â
âHow dare you?â you seethe, chest rapidly rising; digging your nails firmly into your palms as you stare furiously at Lily. âYou had no right!â You scream until your throat is sore; your magic overflowing until it shatters the nearby vase of butterfly weeds.Â
Rage tunnels your vision; heart hammering against your ribcage as you move to carelessly rip at the bandages over your wounds. âYou had no right! You had no fucking right! I would have never done the same for you! Get out! Get out!âÂ
âGet out!â You hurl the glass at the wall across from you, narrowly avoiding Siriusâs head; anguish tears itself from your voice and you barely notice James flinch from the intensely flickering lights.Â
âYou think Iâd be grateful?â you scoff, a burning heat spreading across your chest. âYou think Iâd be indebted to any of you after this? Is that what you wanted? What a fucking joke!â You laugh irately as you gasp for air. âIâd rather die!âÂ
When you run out of items to throw at themâpillows, shards of glass, and crumpled flower stemsâyou sit on the bed, shoulders violently shaking as you cough yourself sick.Â
âI. . .â Lily begins, swallowing the lump wedged in her throat. âI understand. . . But I am the castleâs nurse, as long as you are under Hogwartsâ protection, I am keeping you alive no matter what.âÂ
âI donât bloody care,â you snide.
Her eyes flash to James. âWeâll leave you to rest, then.âÂ
You stay silent, vacantly staring at the reddened welts on your hands. Itâs not until you feel Jamesâs arms around you and his chin hovering above your head that you realize youâve stopped shivering. âIâm sorry,â is all that James whispers into your ear as he lays you to sleep with an inaudible charm. The chill of his magic is the last thing you feel before your eyes flutter to a close.Â
â
You wake up in the infirmary once more. This time, you lay stiff on the mattress, absentmindedly gazing at the plain ceiling; your chest falling and rising ever-so slowly. The stink of a Calming Draught is painstakingly familiar. A low humming sound tells you that you arenât aloneâbut you barely flinch from their presence, too tired to do anything but close your eyes. âSome boys kiss me, some boys hug me. . . . something. . . theyâre okay,â murmurs one Sirius Black, tapping on his thigh as he rests his back on the rustic chair.Â
If Sirius wants an encore, heâd have to drag the fight out of you. Youâre utterly drained from your emotional palaver earlier. âDidnât know you were into Muggle songs, Black,â you chortle bemusedly. Â
Sirius halts in his singing as a forceful silence falls over the roomâyou distinctly hear the moment Siriusâs hand drops to his thigh, most likely taken aback by the sound of your hoarse voice. You feel the weight of his eyes on your bandaged arms and legs. A few seconds pass before he responds, his words but a faint breath. âAfter today, I believe that there is much to be uncovered for the both of us.âÂ
You donât bother replyingâyouâd have Obliviated them instantly if it wasnât illegal to use on Aurors.Â
âWe know it was you,â says Sirius out of the blueâyour blood turns icy-cold on command, wondering if heâs figured out about the wizard behind the Firebird. âOn the first day of term, someone had left a basket of freshly-brewed Wolfsbane potions enough to last him for the entire year,â he explains further, leaning his elbows on his knees as he stares at you unwaveringly. âI almost didnât believe it, but a Marauder has his ways.âÂ
(His son with an invisibility cloak and a handy, enchanted parchment.)Â
âThank you,â he says, guttural with emotions. âIt means more to Remus than you think.â
âYour gratitude is misplaced, unfortunately,â you rasp, coiling your fists tightly, stubbornly intent on avoiding his eyesânot wanting to get caught in the storm within. You exhale with a ragged sigh. Severus was right, you had been sloppy. And this is what carelessness leads to. âDonât delude yourself, Mister Black, I couldnât care less what happens to you or your family.â
Sirius chuckles, like heâd expected such a response from you. âWell, do what youâd like with my gratitude, I donât care, just know that you have it,â he says, rising from his seat. âItâs past midnight, by the way. Lilyâs left you some dinner in case you woke up hungry.âÂ
Your eyes drift to the nightstand. Thereâs a steaming bowl of spinach rice with mushrooms, and a plate of honey cinnamon bars. But your gaze lingers on the bouquet of snapdragons and orchids placed in a ceramic vase.Â
âShe believes home-cooked meals help the patients heal faster,â Sirius tells you, carefully observing your reactionâbut thereâs none to be found. He purses his lips into a thin, white line.
As he makes his way to leave, Sirius pauses, hand resting on the doorframe. âYou know,â he begins quietly. âThe thing about magicâit can fool the best of us into thinking weâre indestructible. But, youâre not as inhumane as youâd like us to think.â Sirius veers his head to look back at you. âTake that mask of yours off sometimes, yeah? Youâd see the rest of the world clearly if you did.âÂ
That is all you hear from him before the door clicks shut, and youâre left alone with your thoughts.
How arrogant.
How very Gryffindor of him.Â
You push the flower vase closer to the edge of the bedside table, indignantly eyeing the watercolor art. The room reeks of Lilyâs kindness. Lions and their constant need to see the goodness in everyone. Take off your mask? Youâd give your entire Gringotts account to wear the kind of rose-colored lenses they haveâtheyâre more pestilent than you realized. No matter, itâs high-time you reintroduced yourself to the Marauders, anyway.Â
If you take off your mask, they would find nothing but a barren soul.
â
It seems your newfound parasites have forgotten who you truly areâbut you have no qualms in reminding them why exactly youâre called the pureblood societyâs darling.Â
For the week or so, the Daily Prophet features you out in luxurious restaurants, a new partner each night hanging off your arm. International Quidditch players, foreign models, esteemed opera singers, and even Muggle celebrities. Men and women are captured in moving photographs, avidly fawning over you.Â
Youâve missed three classes in favor of shopping in France; Flooing back to Hogwarts, stinking of bordeaux and rosa centifolia. Painite gems nestled around your neck, glittery sapphires lining your wrists. On more than one occasion, youâve seen McGonagall lift her chin in distaste at your behavior.Â
âWell, thatâs certainly a speedy recovery,â says Lily one afternoon as the owls take the Great Hall by storm. Rita Skeeterâs new article about you is plastered on the front page, apparently youâve gotten into a catfight with an Italian seamstress. She risks a glimpse of you from the other side of the long table, laughing away with Professor Sinistra. The sound is scraping against her ears, yet Lily canât help but feel disappointed.
Your desk is littered with mails from admirers, invitations to galas and fundraisers. The students canât help but notice this fact as theyâre brought to the dance floor each morning. (Each day, you rewind CoppĂ©liaâs songâher wishes, and her painâbut you plan to ignore the ballad until blood trickles from your ears.)
âMummaâs just about ready to send her a Howler,â you hear Ginevra Weasley saying in passing after class. The young red-haired girl nearly bumps into Hermioneâs shoulder as Ginny dips her head low, prattling excitedly, âCalled the Professor a tart, even.â
Hermione stops walking, scrunching her nose. âReally?â
âYes, yes,â Ginny nods. âBut enough about all thatâhave you seen the news this morning?âÂ
Hermione looks up, lips wrinkled in thought. âThe one about the Professor being seen in Muggle London? I thought that was rather stale for a headline.â
âNot that one,â Ginny says exasperatedly, rolling her eyes. âThe article about the Firebird. Remember what happened during the World Cup? When You-Know-Whoâs followers came and raided the entire campsite?â
âThat would be pretty hard to forget, Gin,â Hermione replies softly.Â
âWell, the Firebirdâs gone and hunted a few of them,â Ginny tells her, eyes brimming with awe. âFound their hideout and left them half-dead for the Ministry to find. No Malfoy, though, which is a bloody shame.â
At your desk, you sip your jasmine pearl tea with a knowing smirk.
On the first of October, your previous Head of House invites you to the greenhouse for an overdue get-together. Naturally, you greet Pomona Sprout with gift baskets overflowing with glacĂ© treats, packets of tea, scented candles, and dried berries. She huffs in fond exasperation before instructing you to grab a pair of cotton earmuffs and gardening gloves. And, well, you donât mind playing the part of a slap happy third-year under her gentle care. Itâs a role you enjoy more so than others.Â
âYouâve been worrying me these days, dear,â Professor Sprout tells you earnestly as she wrestles with the Flitterblooms. Hoo-hoo chicks flutter around in their cage while the uprooted baby Mandragoras screech nearby. You feel the weight of her gaze, much like a knitted blanket draped over your shoulders on a cold, autumn noon. âThe other staff have been expressing their. . . concern, as well.âÂ
You busy yourself with planting the Wiggentree in its pot, allowing only a moment to raise your walls of Occlumency. You know that she couldnât possibly be a threat, but you would not allow someone else to expose you bare for others to see. (You loathe the thought of Siriusâs blood flowing through your veins.)
You know that concern is shallow at best, forged from fear of the students being influenced by your frivolous escapades.Â
At your silence, Sprout continues on, âWe always tell the children that their Houses will be like their second family during their time at Hogwarts.â You hear her draw in a long breath, gingerly placing the flitter tentacles on the ground. âI hope you understand that the same is true for the professors. We take care of each other, substitute teacher or not.â Pomonaâs hand is leaden on your shoulder. âAfter all, you were our student before anything else. The Sorting Hat gave you to me, and what a darling blessing you have been, even until today. When I look at you now, I see the same young first-year student who was afraid of everything and afraid to come out of their shellâbut do not forget, I will always be on my childrenâs side no matter what.â
How poignant that the first person who truly welcomed you to Hogwarts, is one of the only people who can see through you despite your protective barriers.
And so, the puppet show beginsâlike a lifeless ragdoll, you peel the deer-leather gloves off your hands, blinking away any hints of emotion. You stand tall before Pomona, dusting flecks of soil off your dovetail skirt. âNo one has been on my side. Not then, not now,â you say as you snobbishly arrange the brim of your sunhat. âBut do not be mistaken, Pomona. I have been fine on my own and a change still remains to be seen.âÂ
In another life, you would have happily embraced her comfort and affectionâbut the fate of a lonely starlet is cruel. Youâve made your bed of thorns and wilted roses, and there you shall lay when there is no one left but yourself.Â
âToday was lovely, Pomona, thank you.â It is one truth youâve permitted yourself to offerâa shred of humanity in exchange for her kindness. The dirt beneath your nail beds is real; so is the ache in your back and the sweat dripping from the side of your head to your chin. But you cannot feel any more than thatâyou forbid yourself. The Mandrakes fall silent, and you bid your goodbyes to the professor.
The sunlight on your skin is real as you step outside, and so is the sound of clamoring students heading for the greenhouse. Sixth-year students from Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw hurry down the hill. Their unrestrained laughter and carefree smiles are real. And so is the unwashed blood on your hands; the killing curses that have fallen so easily from your lips, and the ghosts that haunt you as the moon arises. Perhaps, you could withstand it all if it means the children would live through a real future without the sins of people like you.Â
(But why is it that every time you distance yourself. . . there always seems to be someone calling out to you?)Â
Cedric Diggory, your godson, yells for you with a grin that stretches from ear-to-ear. You watch as his yellow scarf swings with each hasty step he takes. Cedric crosses the gap between you in under a minute, strands of wavy, brown hair sweeping over his glimmering eyes. Itâs an unsolved mystery as to how you and him were sorted in the same House.Â
âYour shirt is wrinkled, Cedric,â you tut, straightening his tie. âDo you go riding Hippogriffs in your spare time?âÂ
Cedric chuckles wholeheartedly. âFather told me to tell you that youâve been invited this weekend for a dinner at Hogsmeade,â he says, cocking his head as a cheeky simper erupts across his face. âThat is, if you arenât busy.âÂ
You raise a browâsly little badger, he was. Harrumphing uppishly, you swivel to turn your back to him and say, âTell your father that Iâm choosing the venue, lest he chooses some primitive pub in the village.â You draw out the distance between you and Cedric, tossing your parting words into the chilly breeze, âTell him Iâm paying for everything, too.âÂ
His hearty laughter cuts through the hillside as you make your way back to the castle. Thinking you have the last word, you donât expect him to yell once more:Â
âIâm going to enter the tournament this year!âÂ
Youâre certainly taken by surprise, but you donât slow your pace. An imperious smirk tugs at your lipsâwell, at least you know where youâre placing your bets.Â
A day before the esteemed guests are set to arrive, you run into Sirius and Jamesâmuch to your annoyance. Itâs just your luck that the evening prior you were hunting down a known member of Greybackâs pack. You played a little cat-and-wolf deep in the depths of a forest, hungrily isolating him from the rest of its family. Though this lycan was unturned, you walk away with claw marks on your back. Still, you hope that Greyback licks his wounds and feels the burden of this particular loss. However, you feel that dealing with James and Sirius will be much more difficult than bringing a werewolf to its knees.
After all, this is the first time you come face-to-face with them, nearly a month after your incident in the infirmary.Â
âAuror Black, Auror Potter,â you say liltingly, the rhinestone tassel clinking in your hair as you swirl to face them with a devious leer. âWhat can I do for you today?âÂ
Sirius scoffs in disbelief. âSo itâs like that, then? Like nothing ever happened?âÂ
âPartying around, missing your bloody classes, parading all over the castle like youâre better than everyone else. We thought you changed. You know, I actually thought there could be something real to you under all that,â he punctuates his words with a harsh laugh, sneering at your blinding jewelry. âGuess we were the fools, eh?âÂ
James stares at Sirius, a grim expression flashing across his face, before he shakes his head. âIt just doesnât make sense. What we saw at the infirmaryâthatâs not something anyone forgets.â He gazes at you with grief in his eyes. âItâs like youâre two different people.âÂ
âItâs disappointing, really,â Sirius bites, his lips curling into a snarl.
Theyâve made it all too easy for you.Â
âWhat are you so frustrated for, darlings?â you say in faux sympathy, stalking towards them as you tap at your chin; a sickly-sweet pout on your lips. âWhat were you hoping for? For all of us to become friends? Weâre not children anymore, my loves!â you exclaim histrionically. âDid you actually fall for my little trick at the infirmary? The care parcel I left your husband? Didnât you know my mother drafted the anti-werewolf bill?â
Sirius staggers.
âThe real me?â you giggle incredulously. âWhat you see is what you get, dearestâdonât go searching for what doesnât exist. Itâs not my fault you fall so easily for a pretty face.â You tilt your head, fluttering your eyes as you drag your nail up Jamesâs chin. âNot every damsel is in distress, you know.â
Your eyes slice towards Sirius with a coy smile. âMaybe if you had followed your head more often than your naive, little lion heartsâyou wouldnât have driven Regulus to his death.âÂ
James recoils away from your touch just as Sirius flinches, eyes flashing with angerâSirius digs his nails into his palms, chest heaving as he stares at you in disgust. You expect another stab in the chest from him, and so you lift your head up high, daring him to say another word. (You hope they stopped trying after thisâthat they would leave you alone to rot in your stage of lies and dutiful sacrifice.) But you donât plan for James to step forward, shielding Sirius away from your gaze.
âYou are, without a doubt, the ugliest creature Iâve ever seen,â says James, words dripping in sincere revulsion. âCanât believe I thought anything less than that.âÂ
You smile widely, despite the tightening sensation in your chest. âAre we done here now, gentlemen?â
They would learnâthis is who you are beneath your masks and pretenses.Â
The thirtieth of October brings about a cold youâve never felt before. As you await the arrival of the Beauxbatons and Durmstrang students, the outside corridors are teeming with students, eyes hungry with anticipation. You lean against the wall, exhausted physically and mentally, hugging your worn-out shawl closer to your shoulders.Â
The skies are exceptionally gray todayâyouâve had to drag yourself out of bed earlier this morning, limbs heavy as lead. The teacup in your grasp is scalding to the touchâyou find that nothing hurts more than the ache in your heart. The children are particularly rowdy at the momentâeach time you close your eyes, you see the hatred in James and Siriusâs eyes.Â
Has loneliness ever felt so suffocating before?Â
When winged horses make their way from the heavens, the clamoring grows louderâyet all you hear are their words.Â
âYou are, without a doubt, the ugliest creature Iâve ever seen.â
âI actually thought there could be something real to you under all that.â
You would not weepânot for yourself, and not certainly for them.Â
Sometimes, you wondered if you were hurting too much to even be considered alive. Did your marked flesh even count as skin anymore? Worthy to be cherished with gentle touches and tender lips? How much more did you have to do until the guillotine finally fell?Â
When does duty end? And when does life begin?Â
Madame Maxine and her drove of Veelas descend from their carriage; awestruck gasps and intrigued murmurs echoing along the corridor. When the Beauxbatons Headmaster comes to stand before you, you instinctively sink into the role of a diplomatic hostâthat is, after all, why Dumbledore hired you. With a nod of your head and a pleasing smile, you greet the first of your guests to arrive.Â
âWhat a relief that you made it safely to Hogwarts, Madame Maxime,â you tell her in a saccharine-sweet tone. âIf you please, Mister Filch here will guide you to the dormitories where youâll be staying while Hagrid will take care of your horses.âÂ
You want to go to sleep already.Â
Finally, as a large ship emerges from the Great Lakeâa sense of relief floods through you. Only one more person to greet and youâll finally be able to return to your quarters, welcoming feast be damnedâyouâve done your part for today. Igor Karkaroff and his students make their presence known; imposing statures and foreboding glares. The castle nearly crumbles from Viktor Krumâs entrance, Hogwartsâ Quidditch players eager to catch a glimpse of the prodigal Seekerâwell, you could care less about such a barbaric sport.Â
Karkaroff presents you a slimy leer as he presses a kiss to the back of your palmâthe dig of his long nails into your skin is a pleasant feeling, to your surprise. âDumbledore did not inform me we would be greeted by such beauty. We would have arrived earlier, otherwise.âÂ
You miss your cat.Â
(Siriusâs eyes roll all the way to the back of his head when you giggle and melt in Karkaroffâs wretched compliments.)Â
You want to die.
â
Chaos erupts the next day. The Goblet of Fire has chosen a fourth championâHarry Potter himself. No one is more enraged than his mother, Lily. The Aurors on duty, James and Sirius, struggle to contain the studentsâ horror and verbal lashings. Some have taken to accusing James himself of putting Harryâs name in the goblet in the name of family prestigeâpredictably, itâs Draco and Pansy who lead that revolt. But you donât expect for Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnegan to be swayed by the baseless gossip. So thereâs a crack in the prideâs loyalty to one another, you surmise to yourself.Â
Like a Niffler drawn to shiny objects, you follow the Headmasters and professors into a room, away from all the ruckus.Â
âDid you put your name into the Goblet of Fire, Harry?â the wise Professor Dumbledore asks calmly.
The atmosphere is beyond wintryâyou note the biting criticisms in their eyes, particular between Fleur and Madame Maxime. Lily hides Harry from their scrutiny, proud and unyielding despite being shorter than the Beauxbaton champion. Across the room, you find Severus and Remus engaged in a muted, albeit wound up argument.Â
Everyone looks to the morose Bartemius Crouch Sr., awaiting his decision with a bated breath. You sympathize with the manâfor a fleeting momentâfor if looks could kill, Siriusâs tempestuous glare would have dragged him six feet under.Â
âWe must follow the rules, and the rules state clearly that those people whose names come out of the Goblet of Fire are bound to compete in the tournament.â
Your blood runs cold.
Ludo Bagman appears to be pleased with his colleagueâs decisionâyou see no reason why he shouldnât be, heâs only ever put his odds in the thrill of the game. âWell, Barty knows the rule book back to front!âÂ
Dimwitted fool.
You scoff. âIn a room full of Headmasters and Ministry leaders, surely one of you can find a way to unbind young Potterâs name from the tournament.â
âErr. . .â Ludoâs gaze flickers from Dumbledore to Crouch Sr. Madame Maxime and Karkaroff nod emphatically in agreement, forcing him into a corner with a ragged chuckle. âThereâs nothing to be done, the Goblet of Fire has gone out.â
âDo you or do you not have a wand, Mister Bagman?â you reply, piqued; crossing your arms over your chest. âIf the rules were written by a wizard, surely it can be unwritten by a wizard. Teaching an Unforgivable to a first-year would be more difficult than that.â âIt is not as simple as that, Professor!â Bagman cries. âBut you are welcome to try a hand at it.â
âSo we just let a child run to his death, then?â you seethe, nostrils flaring. âI never knew the Ministry was teeming with incompetent men. Shall I steal your job from under your nose, Ludo dear?â
(Harryâs brows pinch in confusion. He does not expect for you to care so much.)
âHeâs got to compete. Theyâve all got to compete. Binding magical contract, like Dumbledore said. Convenient, eh?â says Alastor Moody as he limps across the room, flask in his hand. You fall silent, an unnerving chill slithering down your spine. Something about this man did not sit right with you. You pull the sleeves of your blouse further down your arms.Â
âMaybe someoneâs hoping Potter is going to die for it,â Moody growls in response to Fleur. âOver my dead body!â James snarls, veins rigid against the column of his throat, eyes simmering in anger.Â
âYes, yes, Potter, we all know youâd die for your son,â Moody remarks offhandedly, taking a large gulp of the liquor in his flask.Â
âIt seems to me, however, that we have no choice but to accept it,â Dumbledore counters in an attempt to placate the tense atmosphere. Lilyâs sharp sob engulfs the outraged clamors of the two other Headmasters. âBoth Cedric and Harry have been chosen to compete in the Tournament. This, therefore, they will do. . . .â
The glass sculpture of a long-haired mermaid shatters into fragmented pieces as you bump into the table; just about ready to flee before you do anything rash like point your wand at Crouch Sr. himself. Before you exit the room, you catch sight of Cedricâs eyesâworry and uncertainty pooling within his gaze. You slam the door hard enough until the wood splinters.Â
Harry Potter is imprisoned by his fate as the Chosen Oneâand it seems time has imprisoned everyone at Hogwarts, yourself included.Â
The first task for the tournament arrives defiantly, without care for Harry and his loved ones. You have only been to the Quidditch field twiceâtoday happens to be the second time. Everyone is bundled in their wooliest sweaters and warmest jackets; although, Hermione did have her portable bluebell flames. You stare at it with envy.Â
âOi! Professor, over here!â One freckled Weasley twinâFred, you guessâbeckons for you to sit by their swarm of red and gold. He pushes Ron away to make room for you beside Minerva.Â
âThank you, Mister Weasley,â you say quietly, sniffles falling from your frost-bitten nose.Â
Itâs quite oddâyouâd have expected to be sitting with Professor Sprout and Amos, amongst your sett of badgers. But itâs not half-bad. You donât erupt in flames when Minerva holds onto you, shrieking, as Fleur narrowly avoids her dragon, awoken from its trance. You donât particularly mind either, when the Weasley twins bump their chests and holler into Ginervaâs ear when itâs time for Viktor Krum to face the Chinese Fireball.
âWe got a traitor here!â George snickers when you flinch and yelp for Cedric as he fights shy of the Short Snoutâs fire, and cheering breathlessly when he eventually captures the golden egg. You glare at George mirthfully, wondering where your fight and heat has gone.Â
âPlease excuse me for a moment,â you say, rising to your feet as the judges mull over their scores for Cedric. âMinerva,â you nod to her, and she offers you a hint of a wrinkly smile. (McGonagall thinks that if anyone can talk back in the face of a Ministry chairman in defense of her students, then perhaps sheâs misjudged a professor or two.)Â
Your cheeks grow numb from the cold as you cross the swarm of Beauxbatons students, past the flock of Ravenclaws. Harryâs match is underscored by the deafening cheers; the stands rumbling from the yells for his name. Youâre nearing the territory of yellow banners and black insignias, trumpets blowing into your ears, when the clamor and hurrahs turn into terrified gasps; students rushing back from the edge. You donât understand the fuss until you look back at the arena.Â
Harryâs dragon has broken free from its chains.Â
You join Professor Sprout and Severus in herding the students away from dangerâspotting James and Sirius across the arena, hastily reinforcing the protective barriers around the stands, uttermost precision in their wandwork. While Harry dances a life-threatening waltz, you hurriedly clear out the space closest to the banisters. Your breath hitches as the Hungarian Horntail wreaks havoc below, inducing quakes and showers of fire.Â
But more frightening than any dragon, you hear the bloodcurdling scream of a student.
âDaphne!âÂ
The Greengrass heiress, Astoria, cries vehemently as Draco holds her back from rushing to the front of the stands.Â
You scour the area franticallyâthere, only a few feet away from you, lies a fear-stricken Daphne Greengrass, staring right into the eyes of the Horntail. Its teeth bare, growls like thunderstorms, and the rising scent of embers and ashes.Â
âDaphne, get away from there!âÂ
You hardly hesitateâyou run to her, desperation pushing at your legs, terror holding your heart captive. As the dragon screeches in preparation to breathe fire, the nearest Aurors miles awayâeach gasp for air is torn from your throat. In a blink of an eye, you grab Daphne into your arms and shield her from the Horntail. The crowd bellows in frightâyou close your eyes, preparing for even the most excruciating of pain.Â
But there is nothing.Â
Just you, Daphne, the Hungarianâand Remus whoâs pointed his wand at the onslaught of flames, redirecting it up into the sky as Harry grabs the Horntailâs attention, now zipping freely on his broom.Â
Remus looks back at the both of you in relief, drawing his wand back in his pocket. âAre you alright?â he asks you first, a weary tenderness in his eyes.Â
You tear your gaze away from him, checking on Daphne instead; cupping her pale cheeks and wiping the tears from her eyes. âAre you alright, Daphne? What do you feel? Come, darling, letâs get you to Madam Pomfreyâcan you stand? Here, put your arm around my shoulder.âÂ
âTâThank you, Professor,â stammers Daphne as Astoria rushes to her, the pair of sisters blubbering and crying. The blonde-haired girl nods to you and Remus, âBoth of you. IâI donât know how Iâll repay such kindness.âÂ
âDonât worry, Daphne,â says Remus, smiling as he offers her a lemon-flavored treat.Â
He steps back to make way for Lily to fuss over Daphne, his eyes straying to you, oozing with sincerity as he rubs his handkerchief to your cheek. He grins at you and your heart skips a beat. âMy kindness is freely given.â
Has kindness ever felt so real before?
act iv. you wouldnât last an hour in the asylum where they raised me.Â
âTHE CHILDREN ARE terrified, Missus Fawley. Just last week, we had another incident. All the windows in the kitchenâshattered! The little ones couldnât sleep for days.âÂ
You hear the orphanage matronâs voice behind the bedroom door. Youâre allowed but a moment of playing with your ragged, plush animals, before the matron comes barging inside. (How rude, you think to yourself. Hasnât she ever heard of knocking before?) Although, unlike all the other times, she has a lady right on her tail. This woman is much taller than Sister Thompson, certainly more beautiful-looking, too. Not that you have anything against Sister Thompsonâs wrinkly face and foul smile.Â
No, this woman walks with her head held up high, dressed in a burgundy leather coat that clearly costs more than the thin rag you call a shirt. This must be Mrs. Fawley, then. Her black heels click against the rusty, wooden floor; you watch impassively as she bends down to your eye level. She takes you by surprise when she grabs ahold of your chin, slowly turning your head from side to side.Â
âSo this is the child,â Mrs. Fawley muses, red lips quirked. Haunting blue eyes stare back at you; hair dark as ebony falling to her waist. âYou may leave, Sister Thompson. I would like to get to know my future ward.â
The matron widens her eyes. âMissus Fawley, I strongly advise againstâ!â
âYou misunderstand me, Sister Thompson,â says Fawley, a sharp edge to her voice. âThat was not a request.â
A strange sense of victory fills you when Sister Thompson bows her head in response, tossing you just one sour glare before exiting the room. The rickety door clicks shut and Mrs. Fawley returns her attention to you with a low hum, eyes raking over your form once more. You wonder what sheâs thinking about; wondering if itâs the vast difference between her neatly-pressed clothing and your rumpled dress shirt. Many have visited the orphanage before, but none have spared you a second glance, not with Sister Thompson scaring them all away. (You suppose there is no appeal in adopting a child with temperamental issues who can make other girlsâ noses bleed.)
âShow me,â Fawley commands, breaking the quietude; her voice stern, yet hypnotic. Much like the first notes of a pied piperâs song. For a few moments, you donât understand what sheâs asking for, until realization dawns upon you. You drop the plush toyâs limbsâseconds later, the teddy bear waves its hand as though itâs gained a soul. If this had been a wooden doll with a long nose, it would be saying: âIâm a real boy!â
Fawley chuckles, leaning back with a pleased look. Your head falls to the side in confusionâwhen you had shown this little trick to Daisy Anne and Annaliese, theyâd begun to throw stones at you, screaming and saying that you were a witch. You donât try to play with the other children anymore after that. Rather than being afraid, Missus Fawley seems to be happy with you. âMy name is Agatha Fawley, special adviser to the Wizengamot, daughter of the Sacred Twenty-Eight,â she tells you, and you donât have a lick of comprehension. âWhat do you know about witches and wizards, darling?â âI donât know, maybe. . .â You scrunch your nose, making the stuffed elephant twirl the bear with just a glanceâFawley tilts your chin upwards, demanding your utmost attention. âThat they arenât real? Or if they are, they should be burnt at the stake?â
Agatha Fawley hisses, a low sound that sends shivers down your spine. You wonder if youâve angered her. The toys fall back to the floor lifelessly. âDamned Mugglesâ! Is that what they teach these days?â She shakes her head. âNo, never mind. What matters is what happens from now on.â âAre you going to adopt me?â you dare to ask, gaze falling to the floor, heart hammering against its confinements.
âI will,â she affirms and your eyes grow wide, breath stuttering in your throat. âBut if we are to become familyâthere is one thing you must do for me.â
âAnything!â You all but scream in her ear, a plea for her to take you away from the orphanage; far, far away from hurtful words and a room that echoes your loneliness back to you.Â
âNever lower your eyes.â She smiles, teeth bared into a snarl, reminiscent of a prowling fox. âYou are magic, my darling. And I will be your mother. No one on this earth can make you kneel in surrender.â
You believe her.
You believe her with all your heart.
But, you would learn that even monsters can call themselves âmotherâ and embrace you with open arms.Â
The Fawley Manor is largeâlarger than the orphanage, and that was a place you couldnât fully explore due to its largeness. There must be a thousand rooms, as far as the eyes can see. Itâs like a princess castle coming to lifeâakin to the ones youâve read about in storybooks. Missus Fawleyâs home nearly touches the sky. There are tall trees, wide grassfields, and glimmering lakes. You gasp and cover your eyes with your hands as the chauffeur drives past the marble sculpture of naked ladies. (âThink of them as Goddesses bare to the mortal eye, dearest,â says Fawley when you yelp and sink into the leather seats.) Then, the family butler, maids, and chef come to greet you, all smiling at the new addition to the manor.Â
You meet Elsie, the house elfâyour first real encounter with magic. Well, besides Missus Fawley turning paper into crystalline butterflies in the car. Elsie is a tiny, wrinkly creature who wears five different-colored knitted hats atop her head. She canât seem to stop shuddering while speaking, too, as if drenched in cold, invisible water. But you look into her big eyes and you decide to be her friend forever.Â
âGet settled into your room, and then weâll have you acquainted with the rest of the staff,â Fawley says after she ushers you into a roomâa bedroom just for you, where you wonât have to listen to anyone elseâs snoring or fight to the death for a blanket on a cold winter storm. The bed is bouncy and soft, not unlike the cardboard theyâd given you at the orphanage. Your shelves are stocked with toys and books.Â
Then, you remember that in exchange for all this, you must do your best in school. That is one thing you arenât looking forward to.Â
But, how bad could a school be if itâs filled with magic?Â
You happily imagine smelly trolls, dashing unicorns, talking ghosts, and floating crayons.Â
For your first week in the manor, you enjoy glazed desserts, fluffy pillows, and silken clothingâand on your second week, you are reminded of your duty to the family youâve been brought into. Something bigger than studying in a faraway magic castle. Missus Fawley introduces you to her long line of ancestors. You stumble on your footing as the portraits shuffle around and gaze upon you with curiosity, some with a more heated glare than others. They call you a funny term as you walk past. Mudblood. But, Fawley tells you not to worry. You are now her child before anything else.Â
The family crest is chiseled with gold; you squint your eyes to make sense of the inscription: Virtus in Arduis.
âVirtue in hardships,â Agatha explains in her dulcet tone. As you featherly trace the emblem with your fingers, Fawley leans down to your height, clearing her throat; her expression impossible for you to read. âI brought you to this family because I saw potential in you. I sensed great magic from your person. But we all have our duties. Magic gives, and magic will take.â
âThe wizarding world is in grave danger,â she tells you firmly, gripping the curve of your jaw with an intensity that frightens you. âWill you help me fight for the greater good?â
You blink.
You just got here and now you have to fight for a world that you never even knew that existed?
âGreater good?â you echo in disbelief. âF-Fight? Fight who? Iâve never even fought in my life! Making Daisy Anneâs nose bleed w-was just an accident!âÂ
âI will be with you every step of the way,â she vows fiercely, the tips of her nails digging into your cheeks. âTell me, do you understand? You will do what is right without any recognition at all. Think of it as a performance, my love. And Iâm preparing you for your role in this world starting now.âÂ
The ingĂ©nue in this act you have to play involves studying endlessly, practicing your wand work until Fawley is satisfied, and familiarizing yourself with every shelf in the library from dawn until dusk. You donât understand why you must memorize every charm and every incantationâbut Missus Fawley reminds you that you are bound to her and your responsibilities. You donât want to go back to the orphanage, cold and aloneâso, you acquaint yourself with parchments and quills, swallowing the discomfort when the nib harshly rubs your skin raw.Â
On your tenth birthday, Missus Fawley gifts you with a closet overflowing with chiffon, taffeta, and organza. Lace parasols, pretty shoes, and wide-brimmed sun hats. The chef surprises you with a three-layered cake, the constellation icing charmed to flicker like real stars in the night. Itâs the best birthday youâve ever had. For the first time, you feel like your life is actually celebrated.Â
The next day, your adoptive mother says with utmost exigency, âThis time next year, you shall be off to Hogwarts, but that means your debut in society is drawing near. The wizarding world will officially acknowledge you as my child.â
âWhen that happens, vultures will flock to you as though you were a corpse.â Her eyes flash dangerously. âAnd you will become one, unless you learn how to fend for yourself. The most ruthless of us all can be adorned in pearls and dressed in ball gowns. Appearance is everything in this worldâdo not let them see that you are afraid.âÂ
And so, you donât tell her that sheâs petrified you to the bone.
âAs the sole heir to my fortune and properties, you must understand how to navigate, not only the wizarding world, but this treacherous domain, as well.â Missus Fawley straightens your back, harshly tapping you once more to spread your legs at a more acceptable distance. âTo be envied by allâthe perfect host must always be ready to receive their guests with attention and politeness.â
When you wince, or move to massage your sore muscles, she barks at you, âYou must always be composed, even in near-death. If you crumbleâif you let even a single person know what youâre truly feeling, all this will be for naught.â
The burden of her words is heavier than the textbooks she shoves in your hold.Â
âControl them before they can control you,â Fawley explains as the seamstress measures your waist and arms. âExert your influence in a conversation. Not only in words, but your stature. Present yourself accordingly. Jewelry and clothing can be your armor when you cannot draw your wand.â
You grumble under your breath when the seamstress accidentally pokes you with a needle for the nth time.Â
âSmile when flattered, giggle when offered a dance, and curtsy when greeted.â Fawley glares daggers at you when you hiss in pain. âBut most of all, do not let any of those cretins know that you are fully aware of the power you wield over them. Anyone can be a puppeteer if they want to be. Youâll just be the greatest of them all.â
(But even a master of puppets has someone pulling their strings from behind the curtains.)
Elsie stays up with you each night, carefully pouring ice-cold water over your head, and playing with the floating bubbles to distract you from the ache in your legs and arms. âElsie will give Master her hat!â the young elf says one evening, pulling the topmost beanie from her head and laying it on yours. She tells you a bedtime story before tucking you beneath the covers of your queen-sized bed. You fall asleep to the sound of grasshoppers chirping and portraits murmuring to one another.Â
Then, you get your first taste of a pureblood skirmish. Missus Fawley had taken you to Diagon Alley, months away from the first of Septemberâa letter in your hand with all the materials a first-year would need for their classes. Safe to say, youâre more than excited. (âOh, mother, look!â you exclaim, pointing to the various shopsâand also remembering the rule of calling Agatha mother out in public. âA sweet shop! Fortescueâs ice cream parlor! Mother, can we go there? Please, please, please!â) Fawley smiles at your wide-eyed wonder, your hand in hersâtoday is a special one, she decides. Youâre allowed a bit of fun. Especially since youâve shown unfathomable progress in your studies.Â
You get your very first wand at Ollivandersâand now this world of grumpy goblins and jumping chocolate frogs becomes even more real. You hardly let go of your wand, a tingle of exhilaration running through you each time you brush your fingers against the finely-carved wood. Even Missus Fawley is pleased with the wand that chooses you. Later, youâll be given three hours to practice your charms again, but you find that you donât mindânot when youâve learned that you can now read books under the covers when Elsie turns the lights off.
As you exit the shop, breathless and flushed with a hunger to explore more of this world youâve been given access to, you and Fawley run into one of her friends. This must be one of the scary people sheâs warned you about. Sharp cheekbones, unfriendly gray eyes, and a stern demeanor. You immediately suck in a breath and school your face just as Agatha has taught you.Â
âWalburga!â Fawley greets with a lovely smile, but you notice that it doesnât reach her eyes, not like when she smiles at you for growing another inch taller. She brings her hand onto your shoulder. âWhat a pleasant surprise, my dear.â She peers at the two young boys hiding behind her, much like you were doing now. âOh, my! Is it that time already? Iâd forgotten young Sirius was set to go to Hogwarts this year. You must be overjoyed.âÂ
Walburga is a tall lady, taller than Agatha, even. She hums, lips quirked, chin held up high. âFawley,â Walburga responds, rather displeased. âTalking my ear off, as usual.â Her trenchant eyes land on you and her smile curves into a sneer. âAnd who might this little one be?âÂ
You risk a glance at Missus Fawley before offering the other woman a sweet, half-curtsy. âMadam Black, how do you do?â you smile at her, gaily revealing your name and the gap in your front teethâthe two boys snicker and your eyes instantly narrow into a glare.Â
Walburga stares you down harshly. âHow adorable.â Her eyes slice to the two boys behind her. âSirius, Regulus, introduce yourselves.âÂ
Missus Fawley laughs, a grating soundâmuch like warning bellsâas her eyes flash dangerously at her, hand tightening on your collarbone. âWhat a relief to know that Sirius will at least have one friend already before they arrive at the castle.âÂ
âButâoh, dear, look at the time.â Agatha quickly casts the Tempus charm before looking at you aghast, eyes wide as saucers, mouth parted dramatically. âI promised the Daily Prophet a photoshoot today! It is my thirty-first birthday soon, after all. Iâd give you tips on how to capture this look, but, Walburga, it seems youâre embodying the housewife fashion perfectly.â
âTa-ta!â She plants two, airy kisses on Walburgaâs cheeks before waving the three goodbye.Â
âThat,â Fawley whispers into your ear as she snuggles the side of your face. ââis exactly how to do it.â Â
You collapse in your bed that night, wondering just what youâve gotten yourself into and what kind of world youâre about to live in.
How confusing.
All this time, you thought that Missus Fawley had been preparing you for an intense entrance exam. Why else would she make you study twenty-five hours a day and eight days a week? But as it turns out, all you had to do was sit on a chair and have Professor McGonagall put a talking hat on your head.
âHufflepuff!â the Sorting Hat proclaims, and the table of yellow and black welcomes you with open arms. You sit next to a boy named Amos Diggory. Later in the night, youâll share a dormitory with a kind girl named Amelia Bones.Â
(Hogwarts is the best!)Â
The holidays arrive in the blink of an eye and you find yourself standing at the steps of the manor once more. Agatha Fawley waits for you by the door, engulfing you instantly in a hug that shields you from the falling snowflakes and biting winds. Hot cocoa with marshmallows and gingerbread cookies await you in the grand dining room; you even get a crotchety greeting from Isolde Fawley the Thirdâs portrait. Elsie crumples to the floor and sobs at your arrival.Â
âSo you were sorted there,â Fawley mutters to herself, a worried expression contorting her face. The fireplace crackles as a winter storm rages outside the manor. You lay on her lap as she absentmindedly pats your head. Stories of your first few months at Hogwarts fall from your lips without pause. âThis would go smoother if you had been sorted in Slytherin, however; but no matterâitâs not what I expected, but we can make do. The Diggorys and Bonesâ are purebloods, so maybe not all hope is lost. But you need to get more acquainted with the Greengrasses and the Malfoys, Druella Blackâs daughters as well.â
You hide your frown against her legs. You really liked Amos and Susan, Bellatrix was just downright mean to everyone, even calling this one girl, Lily, a Mudblood, too. But if mother wanted you to try, you might, but only once. If Bellatrix didnât want to be your friend, then thereâs no helping that unhinged witch. (At least the Prewett twinsâ pranks were funny. Bellatrix once snuck inside the Ravenclaw tower to leave a dead pigâs head in the girlsâ dormitory just because.)
On the twenty-fifth of December, Agatha Fawley throws a gala just for youâmasqued as a fundraiser for Muggle children in need. (None of the families cared about them, you would realize later on.) The ground nearly rumbles from the number of guests sheâs invited. From your bedroom window, you spot a few familiar faces. Sirius Black, who stands out from the crowd like a pale bean sprout; his cousin, Bellatrix, whoâs already taken to yelling at the staff; Lucius Malfoy, the Flints, and the Parkinsons. Your head goes dizzy.Â
As long as you donât trip during your entrance, everything should be fine, right? Right?
(You one-hundred percent trip in front of everyone as you descend the stairs. The sound of James Potter and Sirius Blackâs laughter haunts you.)
But other than that, the Yule event goes by smoothly. You donât fall flat on your face when greeting Cygnus Black and Druella Black nĂ©e Rosier, and mother is thoroughly satisfied when you smile in the face of Walburga Black and Abraxas Malfoy. You stay in the corner after welcoming your guests, sitting in your chair like an abstract painting forbidden to touch; whilst the Prewett twins and James teased Elsie until she cried from anxiety. Sirius also goes out of his way to congratulate you for growing all your teeth in.Â
You donât understand why Mother is so scared of these people.
But youâll understand virtue in hardships soon enough when you receive your first tutoring in ballroom dancing. Instead of sapphire earrings or a trip to France, Missus Fawley has a different gift in mind for your fifteenth birthday. She surprises you with a tutorâyouâre bewildered at first, arguing that youâve consistently been at the top of your class. (âMadam Hawthorne is not here for your academics, my darling,â Fawley explains with her red-lips stretched in a foreboding smile. âDance is a beneficial skill for any host to have. Youâll practice until your footwork is perfect. You will dance until I say you can stop. And when your feet are aching and bleeding, you will keep dancing.â)Â
Each night for your summer holiday, you go to bed, sobbing into your pillows, body trembling from Madam Hawthorneâs cane.Â
Everything changes on the eve of your sixteenth birthday.
Like all the years before, Missus Fawley invites the entirety of the pureblood society to the manor.Â
You stay with Narcissa and Andromeda, gently placating their concerns when they ask about your unnatural quietnessâtruthfully, you could no longer breathe in the flounced dress youâve been forced to wear; the sides of your feet raw from constantly practicing with Madam Hawthorne, head aching from the lights and obnoxious perfumes; stomach gurgling. Bags under your eyes from revising endlessly for your N.E.W.T.S.Â
Eyes drooping and neck craning from exhaustion, you donât at all expect for James Potter to emerge from the crowd; wavy, brown hair sweeping over his glasses, wine-colored suit melting into his dark skin. He holds out his hand to you with a boyish grin. âMay I have this dance?âÂ
You blink, frozen solid for a few moments until Narcissa softly nudges your side. âY-Yes, if you must,â you splutter, placing your palm in his.Â
He leads you to the dance floor as the orchestra plays a song perfect for a waltz along a flower field; your eyes glued to his back. The chandelier hangs overhead as James settles your arms around his neck in one swift motion. You almost step on his feet, spluttering your gratitude when he steadies you by the waist, the heat of his hands permeating your layers of clothing.Â
âIsnât it odd that the birthday celebrant wasnât dancing all this time?â he says, pulling you in for a twirl.Â
âI assume the others were all too afraid to deal with my mother,â you reply timidly. âSheâs quite overprotective, you see.âÂ
âWho? That tall lady over there by Missus Black whoâs currently glaring at me?â James chuckles into your ear as you step closer to hear his heartbeat. âShe couldnât possibly terrify me.â
âLily says thank you, by the way.âÂ
âOh? For what?â
âLetting her copy off your Defense Against the Dark Arts essayâsheâs downright shite at the subject. Donât tell her I said that, though.â
You laugh along with him, and you find that you could rest in his arms forever.
But, as your dance with him comes to an end, so does your wistful reverie.Â
When most of the guests have left the scene, and when the lights have dimmed, Mother presents to you her real giftâyour debut in the wizarding society. She leads you to a room, one where youâve never ventured before. Itâs deep past the cellars, where cobwebs and dust bunnies grow. (Before you enter, Narcissa grips your hand firmly, a look of dread and urgency in her eyes. âBe brave,â is all that she says, encasing you in her arms.)Â
In this dark room, you see Abraxas and his wife, Walburga, Cygnus, the Notts, the Goyles, and more people you recognize, all dressed in their finest black cloaksâas though it were a funeral instead of a birthday. In the center of it all, is your mother, Agatha, with a man kneeling in front of her.Â
âWhat is this?â you ask in alarm, frantically searching for answers. The man struggles against his rope, binds, screams and pleas muffled by the cloth shoved in his mouth. The sight of his bruises makes you all but retch. âMother, what is going on?âÂ
Walburga is the first to step forward, her lips painted blood-red against her ashen skin, curving into an edacious smile. She cradles the back of your head to her chest. âMy lovely dear, it has been the utmost privilege watching you grow. Your mother is certainly proud of you, we all are. Tonight, just as our sons and daughters before you, we offer you our blessing on this very special day.âÂ
âYou know of the Unforgivables, right, my child?â Her voice is a sweet, ruthless cadence in your ear; her touch, like worms crawling on your skin as she places your wand in your hand. You bite down on your tongue, swallowing each breath as the walls threaten to cave in on you. Your fingers forcibly shake in terror and you worry that you might snap your wand in half if you arenât careful. âThe Cruciatus, the Imperius, andâ?â
âThe killing curse,â you breathe out, ever-so stiff in her hold. You watch as Abraxas kicks the man to the ground; you dig your nails deep into your palm to keep from flinching.Â
âThatâs right, little one,â says Walburga, tracing your jaw with a morbid sense of satisfaction. She holds your chin in place as Abraxas tears the cloth from the manâs mouth. Itâs worse now. You hear his desperate begging and his guttural cries for help. âMuggles,â she spits the word out like venom. âLook at them. Theyâre filthy. Infecting our blood with theirs.â
âKill him,â Walburga says, a delicate whisper, as though she had asked for a cup of tea. âKill him and youâll have proved your worth to us.âÂ
âNo! No, please!â The man struggles against Abraxasâs arms. âPlease! I have a family! A c-child!â
You stagger backwards, nearly losing your grip on your wand. You look to your mother for help. âIâ!â
âKill him, pet!â Bellatrix cackles from across the room, teeth bared viciously, eagerly beckoning for you to come forward. âMake sure you mean it! Otherwise it wonât hurt!â
âYou know the words,â says Walburga, lifting your pliable armâa puppeteer controlling its ragdoll. âSay it.â
The man before you is real. Heâs a real person with a real family anxiously waiting for him to come home. His children worried sick for their father. How can they just stand there and expect you to kill him? âMother, pleaseâI canât. I w-wont.â Your breathing grows labored, hot tears pricking your eyes; the man screams and yells, and the sound echoes ceaselessly in your ears. âI donât. . . I donât understand.â
Agatha Fawley closes her eyes, and you understand perfectly.Â
Each sob wrecks your body and the tears endlessly flow from your ears, you hiccup and shiver; blood pooling from the bite in your tongue. âI canât do thisâplease!â
âYou will.â
You close your eyes just as a flash of unforgiving green shoots from your wand. âAvada Kedavra!â
The man falls limp to the floor, and so does your wand. Walburga coos and drowns you in a sea of shallow praises, the men offer their congratulations, but all you hear is the sound of a lifeless body dropping to the ground.Â
A man who you just killed by your wand, in your home.Â
That night, the four walls of your bedroom bear witness to your anguishâyou cry until you throw up on the floor, body lurching and quivering on the freezing red oak.Â
âDo you get it now?â says Agatha as she enters your room, the faintest of sunlight streaming through the windows. She bends down and cups your face in her palms. âThis is your world from now on.âÂ
You rip her hands away from you, gritting your teeth. âI donât want to live in your worldânot anymore! I donât care about all this! Magic, wealth, and all these things mean nothing if I have to kill innocent people! Youâre a monster!âÂ
âGood.â Fawleyâs voice is cold as she stands up, lifting her chin as her eyes glaze impassively. âThat means youâre ready for your next lesson.â
âDidnât you hear me? I said I was done!â you retort, sore from crying.
âDonât you see?â says Fawley, pausing underneath the door frame, gaze ruthlessly slicing towards you. âWe will destroy them from the inside out. Walburga, Abraxas, Tom Riddle. All of them, one by one. That is our true duty.âÂ
As she turns to leave, she adds coldly, âReady yourself. Iâll be teaching you Occlumency during your summer break.â Then she slams the door shut, leaving you all alone in your room.Â
When you return to school after the winter holidays, youâre forced to pretend that you hadnât taken the life of an innocent Muggle.Â
âDo not let them see you are afraid.âÂ
âUnfortunately, flaming red hair and hand-me-down robes will not complement my dressâitâs crimson taffeta, you see, handcrafted only by the finest tailors in Italy,â you say dismissively to the ragtag of Gryffindors before you, Vittoria Zabini and Isadora Bulstrode giggling at your side. The Prewett boy visibly wilts and you almost give inâalmost. But everyone must play their part in this world. You know that if you show a sliver of weakness, Vittoria and Isadora will be happy enough to report to their mothersâvying for the pedestal youâve been put on by their parents.Â
For the final blow, you scrunch your nose in disgust, slamming your Divination textbook close. âCan you even afford anywhere in Hogsmeade for a date, Prewett?â
(Walburga would Avada you herself if she caught you in such a place with such a wizard. Youâre more terrified of what she might ask you to do to Gideonâsomeone she deems as a blood traitor. You refuse to utter another Unforgivable. You just wonât.)Â
âOh, you cruel wench!â Marlene McKinnon steps forward and before anyone could take another breath, she slaps you in the face. And, finally, you feel something other than the guilt of taking someoneâs life.
Your cheek stings from the impact, your ears ringing with the sound of your friends asking if youâre alright and Dorcas Meadowes roaring about how you deserved itâwell, youâre not about to disagree. You move your jaw about, cradling the side of your face as you sigh impassivelyâoh, itâs nothing compared to the etiquette lessons of Agatha Fawley. âMy mother will certainly hear about this, McKinnon.â
âYou and your mother can kiss my arse!â she shrieks, eyes ablaze.
âGideon didnât deserve that, and you know it,â Lily argues fervidly, eyes sickle-shaped as she looks back at the Prewett twinâs dejected expression. âHow could you even say that?âÂ
âHow could I not, Lily darling?â you reply off-handedly with a roll of your eyes.
Lily flinches. In her gaze, all you see looking back at you is the Muggle father who had cried out relentlessly for one last glimpse of his children. She stares at the badger emblem on your cloak with disdain, and you with a great deal of pity. âYou are, without a doubt, the ugliest creature Iâve ever seen.âÂ
She has the softest voice youâve ever heard, but it hurts you all the same.Â
Youâve scrubbed your skin raw in the bath, hoping that youâd wash the feel of your sins off your handsâitâs all for naught. Agatha might be a monster in your eyes, but youâre the fool that played right into her act.
You get to your feet, meeting her eye-to-eye. In a low whisper, lips close to her ear, you say, âThere are far worse creatures out there, Evans. Youâre lucky youâve been born only a Muggleborn.â
Fortunate that she wonât ever have to play the role that youâve been forced to. You feel an overwhelming envy towards herâeffortless beauty, pure and untainted hands, a kind heart that draws in every one and every person. Compared to her, you must be a dirtied, black swan in a lake thatâs only meant for white swans like Lily Evans.Â
And she will have more charming princes and truehearted fairies on her side than you could ever hope to gain.Â
âSay another word and I will tear your hair from that pretty head of yours,â Marlene snarls, pushing Lily behind her.
Oh, how easy they make it for you.Â
You smile in delight. âSo you think Iâm pretty?â
Marlene lunges.
(You are so tired of it all.)
Every night of your summer holiday, you spend it writhing on the floor, Agathaâs lessons on Occlumency taking its toll. She grows harsher, stricter, and more apathetic than the sun beating down on the manor windows. (âAgain!â Fawley demands as you collapse to the ground, drenched in sweat and your head numb from her probing. âDo you think the Dark Lord will be lenient with you? Get up! Weâre going again! If you want this to end, you will endure this without error!â)Â
While your peers are out swimming in lakes and racing around in Quidditch brooms, youâre stuck within the confinements of your home. But you are not that naive, youâve seen the headlines of the Daily Prophet. A coalition known as Death Eaters have begun making their mark on the wizarding society. There are rumors of a great, sinister power rising. People go missing everyday, and you worry that this might be the world that your mother has been preparing you for all this time.Â
But why you? Why must you carry this burden all alone? Who will pick up the pieces of your battered soul when the weight of your burden crushes you entirely?Â
There are times when you wish you never left the orphanage at all.Â
A week into your summer break, you find out that your mother is dying. Violent coughing, dizzy spells, jaundiced skin, her eyes bloodshot, and the healer frequenting her bedroom quarters. Youâre not allowed inside, of course, but you can hear her feeble voice and the doctorâs stern orders.Â
You also learn that sheâs absolutely insaneâbut that is a fact youâve come to terms with years ago. One night, during dinner, youâd let it slip that you have your suspicions of a classmate being inflicted with a lycanâs curse. Agatha Fawley reacts just about as one would expect her to.Â
âA werewolf? In Hogwarts?â Fawley staggers to her office, the tower of neatly-piled documents and research reports from the Ministry now fluttering to the floor. âNo, no, no. . .â she utters to herself, panic seeping within her skin. Itâs the most frazzled you have ever seen the great Agatha Fawley. You stare at her unraveling from the threshold of the room, unsure of what to do. âDumbledore has gone mad! That old loon! What was he thinking? Sheltering a beast within the castle!âÂ
âDonât worry, my dear,â says Agatha as she reaches for you, a ghastly smile on her face and a near-empty look in her eyes. Your brows pinch together in confusionâyou hadnât been worried about that student at all. âIâll have that monster out of the castle in no time. The Ministry will have no choice but to listen to me.âÂ
âThatâs it,â she mutters, haphazardly grabbing for her feather quill and blank parchment. âPerhaps a law to forbid werewolves from ever integrating into society. School, house propertiesâcan you imagine if they manage to infiltrate the Ministry? Everything Iâve worked so hard for!âÂ
âMother?â you call out hesitantly, crossing the distance, hand outstretched as Fawley slips on her footing, a muttered profanity under her breath. The woman before you is unrecognizable, a sallow casing of a moribund soul. âMother, please, Remus is no threat to the castle,â you plead, ripping her hand away from the quill. âYou canât do this!âÂ
âDo not tell me what I can or cannot do!â Agatha seethes through her teeth, chest heaving as she glowers at you. âEverything I have done, I have done for you! Yet, you still continue to fight me? I should have left you in that orphanage to rot while I had the chance!âÂ
âWell then, why didnât you?â you scream, pushing her away as the words force themselves out of your throat. âMaybe that Muggle father would have still been alive if you did! Maybe I wouldnât have to suffer so much! To hell with you and your duty!âÂ
Fawley laughs to herself, a weak and feeble sound. At first, you think itâs in response to you, but then you watch her drag her palm down her face, unblinking when her fingers appear to be drenched in blood. You take a step forward and thereâs crimson trickling down her nose, a pallid contrast against her skin. âHa,â she chuckles once more, keeling over to the ground as she stares up at the ceiling, blood on her flesh. âMerlin, what have I done? IâIâve gone too farâeven the Gods cannot save me.â
The despair in her voice is confounding. âCome here, my love,â she croaks from the floor, reaching out to you with bloodstained hands. Reluctantly, you sink to her side, gnawing on your lower lip as she cups your face in her palmsâhow many times have you been in this position before? âIâm sorry,â she sobs, shoulders trembling. âOh, my darling, I am so sorry. Iâm afraid Iâve doomed the both of us.â She traces the frame of your jaw and cheekbones. âMy child, my beautiful child. What have I done? Will you forgive me?âÂ
You realize that this must be the consequence of living in a constant lie. To be an imitation of a human person, with no room for grief, rage, fear, hope or even a semblance of love. You stay silent, drowning in the arms of your adoptive mother. âI am to die soon,â says Agatha with utmost finality, eyes boring into yours. âBut you are better than me. Braver. Far stronger than I have ever been. I know this must be the heaviest burden a child can carry, but you must understand that the fate of this world is at stake. I am so sorry, my love, but I must leave this duty to you.âÂ
She lets her head hang limply. âI-I am tired, as well. Iâve pushed away everyone and anyone for this. To do what is right, to endure what is hardâthat is what Iâve lived by all these years.â
âAnd so must you.â Agatha has been mourning all this time, but not for her life.Â
You hate her.Â
You hate her with all your heart.Â
But even monsters need a heart to breathe.Â
A month passes by in a blur, and you are now set to meet the ill-famed Tom Riddle. You know that he was a student of Professor Dumbledore; that Narcissa is extremely terrified of him, and that Lucius Malfoy idolizes him to a fault. (âThis is the moment I have been preparing you for all these years,â your mother tells you, shields of Occlumency glimmering in her deep blue eyes. âDo not let him in no matter what.â) Soon thereafter, Missus Fawley apparates the both of you to the Malfoy manor.Â
The dining room is bleak, befitting of a Malfoy; curtains drawn, fireplace idly crackling, and hushed murmurs upon your arrival. All eyes are on you, and youâre lucky to have dressed in your Sunday best. At the head of the table, you see Tom Riddle, with Abraxas and Cyprian Nott sitting on each side. You hear something large slithering across the polished floorsâyour breath hitches at the sight of a monstrous serpent curling around Tom Riddleâs chair. The glass chandelier chimes overhead and you wish it would fall from where he sits on his shrewd throne.Â
(You find Regulus Black sitting beside Narcissa, cheeks flushed, body quivering as his skin pales to a deathly color; holding onto his left arm for dear life. And, your heart just physically breaks. You donât understand why this is the world you must live in.)Â
âCome here, my dear,â Tom Riddle hisses, urging you forward with a serpentine leer in his eyes. You feel like a circus lion forced to perform its tricks.Â
Tom Riddle is handsomeâyou notice begrudgingly. A menacing kind of beauty that entices the weak and preys on the vulnerable. (You would not be one of his victims, you vow, raising your own walls against him.) His gaze drills into your ownâinstantly, you feel his magic snaking around in your head, searching for hidden truths. The sensation is staggering, dizzying, and youâre nearly brought to your knees. You clench your jaw at his Legilimencyâobstinate bastard.Â
âThis one is lasting longer than your son, Abraxas.â Riddle chuckles, his finger tracing the curve of your jaw, as Abraxas forces a smile. Finally, after what feels like an eternity, he leaves your mind. You release the breath youâve been holding for the last thirty seconds. He finds none of your secrets, and you suppress a vindictive grin. Riddle glances at your mother. âHow fascinating.âÂ
You wonder if his intrigue will keep you alive for another day or bring you closer to your death.Â
âMy Lord,â you greet windedly as you press a kiss to the cold signet of his ring. âWhat an honor to stand before you today. Although, I could have done with a more polite greeting from you.âÂ
Bellatrix snarls at you in warning. âDo not speak to the Dark Lord that way, you insolent brat!âÂ
âEnough, Bella,â Tom rasps, flicking her concern away, barely so much as sparing her a glance. âIâve no need for a little girl to come to my defense.â She visibly wilts at his dismissive words and you almost feel pity for herâalmost. Then, you remember this is the man who treats the Cruciatus curse like a treat to give away freely to childrenânow, you pity Bellatrix fully. The curly-haired girl twitches at the sight of him toying with his wand, Naginiâs forked tongue flicking in anticipation.Â
âTell me, my dear,â says Riddle, trailing his gaze down to your arm. âHas your mother arranged a marriage for you yet? Much like our dear Cissa here.â
You grow frigid in his hold. âNot at all, my Lord. Mother thought it best if I focused on my studies before anything else.âÂ
Tom hums in thought, eventually releasing you from his clutches. âI see. . . Then, have you considered other ways of pledging your allegiance to our cause?âÂ
Instinctively, you hide your left arm from his sight. âMy Lord,â you begin, wondering how much longer you can address him as such without throwing up in his lap. âThe only reason there isnât much backlash to your. . . merciful endeavors is because Mother and I have ensured that the Daily Prophetâs eyes are elsewhere. The Ministry is blindsided, and no one expects a mondaine darling to be under your influence,â you say, desperation pouring from each word.Â
You donât want to carry his Mark. Not ever. You can endure itâyou can endure it all so long as you arenât eternally condemned to his name.Â
âTake that away, and youâll face significant repercussions,â you threaten boldly. âI promise you that. They look away because of me.âÂ
For every village and family terrorized, you had shifted the publicâs attention to your facetious behavior. Throwing galas left and right, appearing out in public with various partnersâyou had done it all to bury the looming war. Rita Skeeter is at your beck and call. For every attack, your face is plastered on the front page. For every cry for help, the Ministry is busy dealing with trivial matters that your mother has proposedâsuch as anti-werewolf bills.Â
And Voldemort would never notice that youâve been thieving covert information from right under his nose and delivering it anonymously to a rising organization known as the Order of the Phoenix.Â
(Youâre also not pleased that they share similarities to your non de plume, the Firebird, but you suppose that is the least of your worries.)Â
If Molly Weasley comes across a sealed letter on the steps of Grimmauld Place, with complete details and addresses of Death Eater hiding places, it is no oneâs business but the Orderâsâand yours.Â
For every life taken, you remember that Muggle father in your motherâs cellar. It may not be today, it may not be tomorrowâbut youâll dismantle the pureblood society yourself. All of them, one by one.Â
Tom Riddle smiles, and you realize that no one threatens him and gets away with it unscathed.Â
A day before youâre set to return to Hogwarts for your seventh-year, the Malfoy Manor is pervaded by your gut-wrenching screams.Â
There you are, little Firebird with your wings clipped, writhing on the floor of Lucius Malfoyâs guest roomâthe Cruciatus curse surging through your veins like molten lava threatening to burn you from the inside out. You hear Narcissa and Missus Fawleyâs voices blend into a cacophony of panic. Theyâre shouting for various things: warm towels, bandages, essence of Dittany, and water. Regulusâs hold on you is tight, near-suffocating, even.Â
But you donât feel anything other than the mutilated flesh of your arm.Â
You scream, cry, and scream againâyou feel his magic over and over again. Branding you. The ink blends into your skinâbut itâs not your skin anymore. A part of you now will always belong to him.Â
Bile rises to your throat.Â
Tears fall from your eyes.Â
(How cold is the floor? You donât even care anymore.)
And, the worst part is that no one can see it. Riddle charmed it perfectly to coalesce against your skin tone. But you see it. You see the skull and the stupid, wriggling snake. You see Tom Riddleâs monstrous glee as he drives his wand into your armâAbraxas and Lucius holding you down as you thrash and flail. Your only reprieve was your mother was there, cradling your head to her chest, blocking out their malignant laughter. (You canât believe you never noticed, but your mother had been branded, too.)Â
âIâll. . . kill him,â you say to yourself, blood and saliva trickling from your lips. If it is the last thing youâll ever do, you will have Voldemortâs head on a silver platter.Â
âDonât be foolish,â Narcissa scolds, tipping your mouth upwards to swallow the drops of Dittany. âNone of us have the power to do that. We just have to make do with the life that weâre given.âÂ
âI promise. . . you,â you gurgle through the searing pain, gasping for air, clawing at her arms. âIâll destroy them all.âÂ
You pass out in her arms.Â
When you awake, youâre on a train to Hogwarts, left arm bandaged and hidden under the sleeve of your school robes.Â
You donât bother attending your classesâseeing no more purpose in Transfiguration and Herbology when youâre just a pawn in someoneâs, everyoneâs plans, apparently. The professors express their concern when you no longer turn in your homework or assigned projects. Once again, you barely see the need to. Your meals during breakfast, lunch, and dinner go untouched. You stay away from Narcissa, Vittoria, Isadora, Lucius, and Regulus. Your only friends, Amos and Amelia, stay away from you, too, having seen news of your promiscuity in the Daily Prophet. You scoff internallyâyouâve never even had your first kiss yet. But even that seems like a distant dream.Â
You are tired.Â
How much longer do you have to play this part? How much more of yourself do you have to give?Â
Youâre only seventeenâhow can you even hope to defeat Voldemort like this?Â
The castle walls have dulled, and you drift through the corridors like a wearisome ghost. The once colorful world that you have been brought into now pales in the face of curses, spilt blood, and the Mark on your arm. You wonder what would happenâif you just run away now.Â
Why should you be the one to bear the burdens of this duty thrust upon you? Why do people like James Potter and Sirius Black find loyalty and a real family within Hogwarts, and there is no one willing to fight for you?Â
Perhaps, you have no one else to blame but yourself.Â
Rita Skeeter publishes her article on the growing rift between you and Vittoria Zabiniâclaiming that you had stolen her beau from her.
You toss the newspaper into the fire.Â
Some nights, you donât bother returning to the Hufflepuff dormitories anymore. You know what they think. You know what they say behind your back.Â
For the third time this week, you find yourself at the top of the Astronomy Tower, legs dangling from the edge of the window, eyes blankly staring at the horizonâif you run towards there, you wonder how long it will take before they find you. The cold nips at your cheeks, but you barely feel anything other than a gnawing emptiness.
Your gaze falls to the ground below, thirty, fifty meters from where you sit.Â
Maybe. . .Â
If you move a few inches forward. . .Â
If you just fly.Â
Youâd be free.Â
âOh, I didnât know this window was occupied.â You loosely turn your head to find Remus Lupin standing before you with a crooked grin, hands shoved in his pockets as he awkwardly shuffles one foot over the other. He raises his arms up in surrender. âI guess Iâll. . . find somewhere else to brood.âÂ
I donât care.Â
Go away.Â
I want to die.
If I disappear, would you care? Would anyone?Â
You rest your head back on the windowsill, hugging your legs to your chest.Â
Starlings chirp and fly past youâhow liberating it must be, to soar in the skies. But all you can do is watch enviously. Powerless, little songbird with no more lullabies to sing and no more wings to fly with.Â
You let your weight shift over the window.Â
Maybe if you fall, you could see what itâs like to fly.Â
âH-Hey! Donâtâ!â Remus quickly snatches your hand and pulls you into his embraceâthe both of you tumbling to the floor. You feel his chest heaving, arms trembling around you, and the sound of his rapid heartbeat. His eyes are wide as he looks over your face for any injuries. âWhy would you do that? Are you mad?â
You sigh.Â
Maybe tomorrow, then.Â
âOi!â Remus pokes your shoulder. âDonât just ignore me! You scared the piss out of me, you know? Bloody hell.â His shoulders slump in relief, and he takes another peek at youâjust to make sure youâre still in front of him. âA-Are you okay?â he asks softly, afraid to spook you further away. âDo you want to talk about it or anything?âÂ
You shrug. âNothing to talk about.â
His gaze flickers from you to the window ledge. âI think thatâs a big something to talk about, honestly. B-But I get it. Really. No judgment.âÂ
An unwilling chortle escapes past your lips. Remus Lupin and his marauding bunch of lions would never understand the burden you have to carry each day for the rest of your life.
Remus scratches the back of his head with a wolfish grin. âHey. . . listen. We donât know each other all that wellâso this is going to sound terribly weird. But would you like a hug?â
He opens his arms wide enough for you to fitâand you stare at him in horror. âCâmon, then. It really seems like you need it. And honestly, I kind of need it, too, especially after a scare like that.âÂ
You stay silent.Â
He shakes his hands, beckoning you forward, golden hair flopping over his eyes. âI donât bite. Promise. One hug and weâll go on pretending like we donât know each other tomorrow. Marauderâs honor.â
âI havenât done anything to deserve your kindness,â you say with a prominent sneerâcertainly not kindness from him. It must be another prank of theirs. You wait for Peter Pettigrew and Sirius to jump out and spray you with garlic juice.Â
Remus smiles. âI think youâll find that my kindness is freely given.âÂ
You nibble on your bruised lip.Â
Could you really?Â
Maybe just this once.Â
Youâre only human, magic as you are.Â
You take one step forward.Â
Then another.Â
Another.
Until you fall right into his arms, and you inhale the scent of honey, milk raspberry chocolate, and cedarwood. The warmth of his arms around you is real. His voice is real. He whispers cruel words into your ear, âYouâre alright, love. Let it out. Iâm here.â You burrow your head deep in the crook of his neck. The sound of his heartbeat is real. He tightens his hold around you, and the ground underneath feels real. For a few moments, you donât feel like youâre floating away into oblivion.Â
Maybe youâd stay aliveâfor a few more days.Â
To do what is right.Â
To endure.Â
Perhaps, tomorrow will be easierâif such kindness is real, maybe youâre allowed to seek it for yourself every now and then.Â
But your nightmare doesnât end when youâre awakeâit takes you by the throat when you find yourself summoned to the Malfoy Manor on Hallowâs Eve.Â
Youâre not the only one caught by surprise. One by one, Tom Riddleâs followers apparate into the dining room, stumbling inside with a bewildered expression. Their Dark Lord has called for them in the dead of nightâit must be for something important. You stiffen, sinking into Luciusâs shadow. You search for your mother but she doesnât appear to be anywhere in the room. Someone brushes their hands against yoursâNarcissa. She stands by your side, face impassive, her pupils frantically trying to make sense of the situation.Â
Then, Tom Riddle finally apparates into the room, startling you for a fraction of a second. Not far behind is Abraxas, Cyprian, the Lestranges, Bellatrix, and finallyâ
Your mother.Â
Fawley looks worse for wear, her skin sinking into her bones, clothes tattered, and her face littered with bruises. Bellatrix drags her across the floor, hair wrapped around her hands.Â
You move to stop Bellatrix, anger blinding your visionâNarcissa tightens her grip on your wrist, subtly shaking her head. You rip your hand away from her.Â
âWe have found a traitor in our midst!â Bellatrix cackles, throwing your mother to the groundâyour fists clench, swallowing each lump in your throat with rage blinding your vision. âI caught the bitch helping the McKinnons escape!âÂ
âNo,â you whisper, dread knocking you backwardsâit just isnât possible. The two of you had always been careful. Bellatrix hits her again, and you have to restrain yourself from marching forward and cursing her from where she stands.Â
One moment of weakness, that is all Tom Riddle needs. He finds you in the crowd with ease. The crowd of Death Eaters part like the red sea, and you steel yourself with Occlumency before you are sharply pulled forward, the mark on your left arm blistering as though a hundred needles are driving into your skin repeatedly.
âIf the mother is a blood traitor, the child is sure to follow!â Bellatrix hisses, spit flying into the floor, her eyes gleaming with maniacal glee.
Voldemort cruelly holds your jaw in his hand, nails digging into your flesh, threatening to break through your bones. âIs this true?â he asks, drawing blood from your skin. âTell me!âÂ
âNo!â you cry out, kicking and punching to get away from his hold. âItâs notâlet me go! That is my mother! Youâre hurting her! Sheâs sick!â
âThat,â Riddleâs eyes flash with hostility, breath hot on your skin, âis a betrayer to our cause.âÂ
âSheâs not!â you scream.
âHow did she find out, then?â Voldemort flings you to the groundâimmediately, you rush to your mother, gathering her in your arms. Tom Riddle cocks his head and youâre blasted into the wallsâyou feel his Legilimency trying to force its way in, exploiting your pain and shock. But you wonât let him in. Heâll have to pry your memories from your cold, dead body.
The pain is searingâyouâre being torn apart from limb to limb. Your mark is burning, head throbbing from a concussion, and still fighting against Riddleâs magic. Through your blurry haze, you see Lucius holding Narcissa back from running to you. âWeâre not traitors!â you cry out desperately, crawling pathetically to your motherâs listless body. âI swear!â
Voldemort sneers just before he points his wand at your mother. âCrucio!â
âNo! No! Stop it! Please! Please, stop it!â you beg on the ground as your mother helplessly writhes on the floor, the Cruciatus curse reducing the once austere Agatha Fawley to a whimpering mess. âYouâre killing her!â
Tom snarls, âGood.â
Bellatrix digs her claws into your neck, her laughter resounding throughout the manorâyou swallow the sobs down your throat as she drives her wand into your flesh. âYour mummy over there is done for. But youâour precious jewel, you can still prove your loyalty to our Dark Lord.âÂ
She puts your wand and closes your fist over the woodâyour eyes grow wide as you thrash in her hold, screaming as she forces you to look at Fawley. âKill her. And you may live.âÂ
âJust say it,â Bellatrix whispers in your ear. âTwo little words. Youâve already done this before, petâthe second time should be easy enough!â
âNo!â you knock your head back into her nose, slipping away as her hold loosens and she screams profanities at youâbut to your misfortune, Voldemort captures you, like a defenseless bunny running into a starving snake.Â
âMum, wake up, please!âÂ
You cry out helplessly, sobbing as Voldemort forces you to watch the life gradually fade away from her blue eyes. Her magic envelops youâand you remember warm holidays spent by the fire, Muggle storybooks before bed, surprising you with breakfast in bed for your birthdays. Itâs a warm feeling, a stark contrast to Tom Riddleâs invasive magic. Her voice echoes in your head one last time.
âThank you for showing me what love feels like, if not for a moment. I am sorry I could not show it as a proper mother would.â
âKill her!â Voldemort rages into your ear.Â
You watch as Fawleyâs eyes drift to a close, an act of resignation. âItâs okay, my darling,â she whispers tiredly. âI. . . can rest now.â
For the second time in your life, you point your wand at someoneâs heartâthis time, itâs your motherâs.Â
âWhat are you waiting for?â Bellatrix asks, twitching menacingly. âKill her! Before I do it myself!âÂ
Thereâs a faint smile on her face.Â
âIâm. . . sorry.â
Those are Agatha Fawleyâs last words before you take away her life.
The incantation falls so delicately from your lips, an act of mercy for the woman you once called your mother and your greatest tormentor.Â
But your eyes are on one person and one person only.
Tom Riddle.Â
âAvada Kedavra!â
He will know your pain.
Not today, not tomorrow.
But youâll destroy them all, one by one.
a/n: THERE IS KISSING IN THE NEXT SCENE I PROMISE.... AND TRUST MY LILY LOVERS WE WILL GET OUR REDEMPTION ARC SKDJHFGKJH and sirius lovers too,, but yall are well-fed every day so.. next part has the yule ball, likee,, there's no way THAT becomes angsty.. if you saw a plot-hole, no you didn't just CRY and enjoy sdhgsdf... come tell me what you thought!! (if you have any constructive criticisms, just come to my dms BUT PLS BE VERY GENTLE.... oh and don't hesitate to tell me if i accidentally wrote anything super specific like height, skin color, etc.!!) i promise to better in the final part!!!! (there's only two parts to this fic.) I LOVE YEW I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS STORY AAAAAAAAAAAA
#poly!marauders x reader#hp angst#hp fluff#hp imagine#james potter x reader#lily evans x reader#marauders x reader#poly!marauders fluff#x reader#remus lupin x reader#sirius black x reader#reader insert#poly marauders#poly!marauders imagine#poly!marauders#sunny's hp fics#x reader angst#poly!marauders angst#poly!marauders x you#marauders fanfiction#marauders angst#marauders imagine
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đ°đĄđš đđšđ„đ đĄđąđŠ đđš đ đđ âđŁđđđ€âđđ - đšđ©. đđ
đđđșđșđźđżđ: oscarâs girlfriend is feral on main. đ°đŒđ»đđČđ»đ đđźđżđ»đ¶đ»đŽ: crack. this is a shitpost, you have been warned. uh this is completely unrealistic, itâs pure vibes okay. this is not an accurate representation of those mentioned. đœđźđ¶đżđ¶đ»đŽ: oscar piastri x fem!black!reader đŽđČđ»đżđČ: smau.
đœđżđČđłđźđ°đČ: i wouldnât consider myself an oscar girlie but then,,, i opened tumblr and saw the photos of oscar from when he went karting and umâŠnow have another op 81 mess of a smau! this is completely unserious and itâs inspired by the nefarious actions i would do to oscarâs biceps. inspired by @dwarvenchords and @hookhausenschips âs reblog lol. itâs short but, enjoy, loves xxx.
insp. 1 | insp. 2 | taglist | feedback & requests | table of contents â»
instagram
yninstagram âą february 28th
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oscarpiastri: loveâŠyou couldnât even save this for the close friends stories? you had to post it on main yninstagram: did you like my joke? oscar âjackâed piastri LOL im so clever oscarpiastri: ijbol đ yninstagram: iâd be pressed but ur muscles are distracting me oscarpiastri: u should cmere and give them a kiss :)
lilymhe: he let u tie a bow around his bicep?!!! omfg i have to do this with alex yninstagram: i donât think alex has enough muscles to meet the requirement for the bow :/
landonorris: heâs such a simp landonorris: i would never let my girlfriend tie a bow on me đ„± yninstagram: step 1: have a girlfriend
logansargeant: your freak out on twitter had a slight mentally-ill aura yninstagram: shut the fuck up and get on a podium before you talk to me yninstagram: gangly bitch + not funny didnât laugh + L
instagram
yninstagram âą february 28th âą in between my boyfriends tiddies â
liked by, oscarpiastri, mclaren, logansargeant, markwebber, and 1,223,458 others
yninstagram: things to do with your boyfriends muscles; listed in the comments below (a huge thanks to the toto user on twt for FINALLY sending me the photo)
tagged oscarpiastri
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yninstagram 1. tie a bow around them (completed)
â„ user thx for sharing the photo
â„ user FUCK! I CANâT FIND A PIECE OF PAPER TO WRITE THIS ON
yninstagram 2. kiss them (completed)
â„ user awh how cute! going to nap on the interstate rq
â„ user wait for me!
â„ user omg slumberpartyyyyy
yninstagram 3. touch them (completed)
â„ markwebber thereâs a time i thought you were a normal girl
â„ yninstagram who told you to think that??
user i know those arms are rock solid đ„Žđ€€
user iâm the toto user on twitter !!! she did not kill me yâall !!!
â„ user u were flirting with death babes
â„ user i would not have admitted to this under her post
â„ user you should seek witness protection đđŸ
yninstagram 4. have him suffocate you with them (he said no)
â„ oscarpiastri WHY DID YOU INCLUDE THIS ONE
â„ logansargeant i think youâre proving the mentally-ill part y/n
â„ yninstagram u sound jealous logan
â„ user personally, i think if you didnât want her to say that, you shouldnât have muscles @/oscarpiastri
â„ oscarpiastri oh! yeah! why didnât i think of thatâlemme just take them off rq đ WTH
yninstagram 5. wall sex (?)
â„ oscarpiastri i specifically said not to say #4 and #5 in public
â„ user the question mark is SENDING MEEEEE
â„ yninstagram i mean, i can tell you that he didnât say no to this one đ @/user
â„ landonorris i did not want to see this when i opened ig
â„ yninstagram do us all a favor then and delete ur account x
â„ oscarpiastri what she said^
â„ landonorris :o -> :(
yninstagram 6. draw on them (in progress)
â„ user wait this one is actually cute đ€
â„ oscarpiastri watching the pure concentration on her face is adorable
â„ user omg sheâs so đđŒđđŒ coded
â„ oscarpiastri it tickles lol
â„ yninstagram ur moving around too much
â„ yninstagram might have to tie you to the headboard đ
â„ user and sheâs back on her bs
yninstagram 7. watch him flex for you (ongoing indefinitely)
â„ mclaren do we have your permission to post oscar thirst traps now?
â„ yninstagram iâm sure we could work out something mutually beneficial
oscarpiastri âą february 28th âą my girlâs basement â
liked by yninstagram, danielricciardo, logansargeant, landonorris, and 1,478,539 others
oscarpiastri she knocked out on my chest halfway through drawing on me. didnât know this was part of the boyfriend job description, felt like there was some false adverting. overall: 12/10 experience, will be doing this again.
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danielricciardo didnât know where this was going for a sec but fuck you guys are so cute đ„č
â„ oscarpiastri thank you? i guess
â„ user oh to have my relationship praised by danny ric
â„ user girl ur man responds to your texts two days late
â„ user DAMN u didnât have to air out my business like thatttt
user WHAT DID SHE USE TO DRAW ON YOU OSCAR??? HELP A GIRL OUT
â„ oscarpiastri its liquid eyeliner đ«Ą
â„ oscarpiastri she used an eyeshadow palette when she wanted to add colors
â„ user why did i never think of that, sheâs so smarttttt
user oscar piastri the MAN that u AREEEE
logansargeant so,,,,are we still getting dinner later orrrrr
â„ user LOL
â„ user omg y/n was right logan IS jealous
â„ logansargeant im not jealous !!!!
â„ user đ
â„ user okayyyyâŠ.we believe you LMAOOOOO
â„ oscarpiastri ijbol đ
â„ logansargeant stop using ijbol itâs not funny
â„ user this will be the only time that i say i agree with logan on something
â„ logansargeant ur literally a fan account FOR ME?? @/user
â„ user yeah man u didnât have to bring that up đ
taglist: @saintslewis @cherry2stems @lorarri @inloveallthetime @mindless-rock @biancathecool @barnestatic @my-ylenia @katekipshidze @darleneslane @lovingaphroditesworld @smoothopz @vetteltea @tallrock35 @iloveyou3000morgan @smartstupyd @spideybv28 @loomiscorpse @hiireadstuff
© httpsserene2023
#oscar piastri x reader#oscar piastri x female reader#oscar piastri x black!reader#oscar piastri x you#logan sergeant x reader#lando norris x reader#f1 x reader#f1 x female reader#f1 x black!reader#f1 x y/n#oscar piastri fic#oscar piastri fanfic#oscar piastri imagine#formula 1 fanfic#formula 1 x reader#formula 1 x female reader#formula 1 x black!reader#f1 imagine#f1 fic#f1 fanfic#f1 fluff#f1 crack#oscar piastri#ââËïœĄâ. series special: formula 1#serene's chapters.#sereneâs fave.
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Hiii! Could you imagine one where the reader finds out she's pregnant during one of Spencer's missions and when he comes home she has a crisis and ends up feeling ill and Spencer doesn't know how to help and the reader doesn't know how to tell him she's pregnant. (Both are already married)
i took this opportunity to set my pregnant!reader series into the future cause i already planned for them to have another child. request is tweaked justttt a little.
âmy dear sweet penny, can you hit me with a bus? i want this misery to end.â youâve been hit with the worst stomach bug or flu or just something thatâs been lasting since spencer went on his case, five days ago.
your mom took your daughter for the day when you realized you werenât getting out of bed anytime soon and you called in your reinforcement of one penelope garcia. the case ended yesterday but the team had to stay an extra day due to weather in their state, so penelope has been keeping you company for the past two days. it was nice to have an adult conversation instead of bluey and the same princess movies.
âokay, if youâre pleading for death that means itâs time to head over to a hospital. i donât want spencer to hypothetically bite my head off if something happens to you.â her bright blonde hair was your shining sun in your darkened bedroom. and her jewelry were loud gongs with each step she took. âi hate to sound like a bitch but can you like, be the opposite of yourself today?â moaning and groaning as you tried pushing off the tossed sheets.
âyeah, you need a doctor. cause and i quote âpenny if i even say to change yourself iâve been abducted and thatâs an alien.â hopefully they can give you good drugs.â
at the hospital they took some blood, made you pee and just did a bunch of other check ups when it was shown you were sick with anything. so after an hour or so your doctor renters the sterile room with his clipboard and a poker face. âwell, youâre not sick, but you are pregnant. weâll get an ultrasound in here to check on the fetus.â talk talk talk and then he left again, leaving you and penelope open mouthed shocked.
âholy shit,â breathing out as your hand rubbed over your still small belly. âi told spencer i couldnât keep my hands to myself.â telling that to the ceiling.
âoh, iâll have another godchild! iâm so happy to live vicariously through you.â penelope stood at your side and smiled down at you. you turned your head towards her, âyou know when theyâre older, youâll be our go-to babysitter then. so just be prepared for that.â
with the ultrasound done they confirmed you were almost done with your first trimester and that left you a bit shocked. you were three months pregnant but didnât know, now you understand how some of those other ladies feel. but you were excited for another, but then you were done, seriously.
you tried calling spencer after leaving but his phone when to voicemail, but you didnât think anything of it. probably feel asleep or out doing something with his team. so when you arrived to your momâs place you were a bit surprised to see your husband holding your daughter and swinging her around.
âyouâre back!â penny the first to speak and move further into the home. spencer and anna both turned their heads and smiled at the bright lady. âauntie penny!â your annabeth squealed with an arm out.
she happily took her from spencerâs hold and moved her away so you could talk with spencer. his puppy eyes and downturn mouth made your heart soar, oh how heâs gonna get you into so much trouble.
âyou feeling better? your mom said itâs been a week.â pulling you into his hold, cheek pressed into his chest as his palms rubbed over your shoulder blades and spine. you sighed, âyeah, penny took me to the doctor. turns out i wasnât sick⊠i was- i am pregnant.â
spencerâs hands stopped and leaned back, âwhat?â his brows raised into his curling locks. âhow far along?â âthree monthsâŠâ biting into your bottom lip as you watched him go through his mental calendar. you both knew your period was irregular, thatâs why you didnât think anything of it.
âso it mustâve been sometime after annieâs fourth birthday,â spencer came to the conclusion. leaned in to peck your forehead, âare you okay with another?â always making sure you were okay with the decision.
you smiled up at him with a twinkle in your eyes, âabsolutely.â
#erinâs blurb requests#a 1k special#erin writes spencer#spencer reid x fem!reader#spencer reid#spencer reid x pregnant!reader#spencer reid fluff#spencer reid imagine#spencer reid x reader#criminal minds x reader#criminal minds imagine
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PICK A CARD: Who You'll Be In 10 Years
âŁïž "âThe only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today.â â Franklin D. Roosevelt
Disclaimer: This is a general reading, take what resonates. This is a gender-neutral reading, change any pronouns to apply to you. Also, the tense changes from past to present to future, I hope this doesn't make the reading difficult.
Also! Thank you so much to everyone who put in a paid reading request, when my life stabilizes, those will be on the top of my priority list. <3
p1 â p2 âïž p3 â p4
â ïž Pile One â ïž (5oS rev., 5oP, 8oS)
You a decade from now (or less đ) is not afraid to walk away from a motherfucker. Kudos to you!!! POP A BOTTLE. REJOICE! đŸđŸ
You have mastered prioritizing yourself and letting go of connections that violate your boundaries. Â
Iâm getting cat energy. Your self-concept is resolute, so you donât care about others' perception of you. Youâre willing to be seen as the âbitchâ or selfish in situations because you refuse to become someone youâre not, to please another.Â
Your young self would consider this a nightmare. Your upbringing has groomed you to put the interests and needs of others before your own. Disharmony and people disliking you cause you so much inner turmoil (I want to throw up channeling this energy, Iâm getting it makes you physically ill) that you try to avoid those dark emotions by suppressing your own needs and desires to keep the group happy.
Being subservient and sacrificing parts of you became a survival tactic. It was so deeply ingrained in your self-concept; you desperately wanted to detach from it but feared hurting anyone or being seen as selfish in the process.Â
This hesitancy to step on a few toes, which is an inherent requirement for elevating your own voice, gives you an illusion of being trapped and powerless against the will of others.
But baby⊠you ten years from now don't have time for the bullshit.
The energy here is refined; a quiet strength forged in darkness. This was not always your energy, you have some battle scars due to people-pleasing and learning the hard way that you can never satiate hunger in people who can never be full.Â
This pile has seen their fair share of energy demons. I meant to write âvampiresâ but demons came out, this could be about energetic attacks (commonly manifesting as anxious thoughts and mental blocks that did not occur before you met them) and jealous energies around you that benefitted from you thinking less of yourself.
It took you some time to find the power in your âNoâ and staunchly protect it. There have been times when people have disrespected your no and remained in your energy for longer than they deserved to. Thatâs okay, forgive yourself. I promise itâs all a part of a greater journey for you to reclaim your power.Â
The energy you call home ten years from now is a force to be reckoned with. The first card flip gave me chills, I was intimidated at first.Â
You are becoming someone whom the world makes space for. By walking away from people who want to continuously fight and provoke you or drain your resources and energy, you are telling life, âI wonât put up with people who are trying to convince me to be the backseat passenger of my own life.â
You wonât feel like a suffering supporting character anymore, youâll be the main character people are in awe of.Â
Aries Northnode, Saturn, Pluto, Chiron 1st house, Mars or moon 7th house, Libra risings, Libra Mars, Libra Moon, Cancer Saturn, Cancer Mars, 6th house placements.Â
Your dominant colors will be black, white, and grey. For my colorful folk, youâll stay bright and eccentric but have stark contrasts of black either with your accessories, hair, or makeup (if you do it). Regardless of your height, youâll appear taller with perfect posture. Your collarbone/shoulder area is accentuated and eye-catching. Your head is held high and your neck acts as your lionâs mane.Â
Your words reverberate in the consciousness of others, you are unforgettable and your impact changes the course of the lives you interact with. You speak clearly (and at times bluntly), making your boundaries and identity unequivocal. Your voice deepens and honies with time, you are like a violin luring people to your cause. People will most compliment you on your aura and intimidating, yet magnetic presence.
I really want to emphasize the dark appearance here, itâs the classic dark feminine aesthetic with a mystical-witchy flair. I even see big hats, high boots, and round or oval glasses for some.Â
The strength you cultivate is admirable and is your magnum opus. Keep creating your dream you, my love! MUAH đ
A Vixen Born in the Shadows
â ïž Pile Two â ïž (The Hermit, 4oW, Ace of Cups)
Ex-Factor by Ms. Lauryn Hill came on, the Angels arenât playing. Sit down, Iâm about to talk your ear off (lovingly <3)
Baby, youâve been put through the emotional wringer. Mostly in your interpersonal connections and romantic relationships.
Youâve had a cycle of emotionally immature karmic partners that were meant to reflect the insecurities within you that blocked healthy unions from forming. You subconsciously did not feel worthy of a loving partner so you settled for people who were unable to love you more than their own self-interests. Most of your old connections were made through trauma bonds and fear of abandonment.Â
(For some, Iâm getting that your partners threatened to harm themselves or you threatened to harm yourself in case of a breakup)
Most people canât relate to your depth. You crave a raw, soul-merging connection that can withstand you at your lowest, most difficult energy. There were moments when you either glorified or begrudgingly allowed âstruggle loveâ because you believed that fighting, heartbreak, and being misunderstood were all a part of the âride or dieâ package.
Iâm giving a lil forehead kiss to my Scorpios and 8th Housers. And a winky wink to the Rohini and Jyeshta natives in the back.Â
However, Iâm getting a tinge of envy here. You believed that âkinksâ (emotional abuse) in the relationship were natural and happened in every relationship, but when you saw couples online or in your environment, they seemed a lot healthier than yours.Â
You werenât in a clear headspace, so instead of realizing that your partner dynamic is unhealthy and harming you mentally and emotionally, you internalized it and bore the fault on your shoulders. Oh, those people have healthy relationships because theyâre better than me and more attractive, I need to be better.
Listen to me when I say this, your love and devotion are worth more than struggle love, and toxic cycles. The best thing you could have done for yourself is exit these relationships stage left, IMMEDIATELY.Â
And guess what Pile 2 in 10 years is doing??? EXITING THE MF STAGE AND ENTERING RELATIONSHIPS THAT SERVE THEM! YURR!
If you are currently in this cycle and fear that you arenât capable of change and healthier connections, trust me you boss up and tell those doubts to shut the fuck up.
Love, you complete all the hard healing. You go through long periods of solitude, introspection, therapy, forgiveness (of yourself), and learning to be your own soul partner and it pays off!!! YOU turn into the one giving self-love and healthy relationship advice.
Youâve been through the ugly and the beautiful and know the trials of the self-hate to forgiveness journey like no other. You could have significant Jupiter placements, you got the guru card. The young grasshopper turns into the wise crane.
If you have dark circles under your eyes, your body language is sluggish, and you just look like life is whooping your ass, a decade from now you will look like⊠do you know those pictures of those really gorgeous cows?
Like??? Please tell me you get where Iâm coming from. Youâll look well-nourished, taken care of, plump (explained briefly), and sitting pretty in your energy of known worth and inner fulfillment.
In Vedic astrology (Iâm explaining this very plainly), Rohini natives represent the people whose life path is to obtain inner security and believe everything they desire can be birthed from the resources that come from them (plump). Their opposite, Jyestha represents inner emptiness and insecurity and the insatiable desire to fill that hole (hollow).Â
Your hole is filled (pause) and you have turned your insecurities into strengths (which is very Jyesthan). This is confidence that canât be faked or imitated and itâs beyond your wildest dreams. Itâs well deserved! You birthed your ideal self-concept all by yourself, and that is no easy feat.
Maybe you have been jaded and swore off marriage, but âbadâ news babe youâre marrying someone who adores, respects, and treats you like the soft, yet powerful force you are.Â
You are very fucking happy, Iâve been cheesing and cracking jokes this entire reading. You are going to live a joyous, easygoing life full of reciprocal love and admiration.Â
Physically, Iâm not getting anything specific besides the clear image that you will look visibly abundant. A bright smile from ear to ear, cheek creases from happiness, clear skin, watery eyes, and youâll smell like a rich bitch (that was a random message but it felt important).
Iâll close off with a tweet that I have been thinking about since the first card flip,
MUAH đ
Her Heart is a Blossom of Flowers
â ïž Pile Three â ïž (The Tower, 6oP, 10oC)
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
FEEELLL THE RAAAINNN ON YOOOUURRR SKIIINNNNNN\!!!
Babe, you escaped from somewhere. Ran like the wind to your freedom. Similar to Pile One and a bit of Pile Two, you were enslaved to energies that were draining you. However, this energy is more restrictive. Some people had their autonomy stripped away and others had to sacrifice their desires for anotherâs sake.
Iâm sensing a wound in how you perceive yourself, your skills, and your capabilities. The way you express yourself through your passions, your style, and how you speak feels restricted out of fear and overly controlled. A buried piece of you yearns for expression and attention, which you are well deserving of and more than capable of gaining fame for. Fear and anxiety had deluded you into thinking they were more powerful than you.
Yea, that shit is dead 10 years from now. LMAO.Â
If you have big traveling plans or wish to permanently pack up and move to your dream location, it's happening. Have no doubt, you will not be stuck where you are forever.Â
You were experiencing a debilitating mental feedback loop of wanting to live your life the way you desire and then halting those desires to help others. Buuuutttt, at some point from when youâre reading this to ten years from now, deception will be revealed to you and youâll realize the people you are sacrificing your dreams for are undeserving of it.Â
This will wake you up, breaking the loop and invigorating you to take the reigns of your own life because youâll know that you canât stop your motion so others donât feel left behind.
Youâll reclaim your power over self-doubt and anxiety by choosing faith over fear. Faith in your ability to improve the skills you love and to strive for your dreams even if it scares you. With every fear you face, youâll realize just how strong you are and get a rush from proving your old self wrong. All the things you believed you couldnât do, youâre now breezing through and showing the public how its done.
Capricorns, Sagittarius, 2nd and 3rd housers (chiron counts), are getting a special shoutout here.
You will be recognized and adored. You are a star, through and through. Whatever empire you build will be so abundant that you will still be able to help people, but not at the expense of your own success.
Your biggest lesson is learning that you cannot help yourself or anyone for that matter if you are inhibitious and your own biggest naysayer. What do you gain from believing you canât do something? Not a damn thing. Just frustration and regret. Start affirming that you can become everything you want to be until that self-concept replaces your thought patterns. You are a magnificent being capable of change and there is nothing between you and the life you want to live but your beliefs.Â
You feel so complete and whole ten years from now. You literally got the ten of cups AND the completion-360 oracle. It must be emphasized that the life behind the veil of fear is one of prosperity, abundance, and unwavering joy. Just go for it, my love! You cannot lose. You only lose if you stay where you are (which you wonât).Â
Puff your chest out with pride and tell those bitchass fears and doubts to go play with gnats their own size. They donât want to fight a big dawg like you, pookie đ©đ©.
In ten years, Iâm getting an office-vixen aesthetic or business chic. Women will always have heels on and men will always find an occasion to wear dress shoes that boost their height a bit. Tight pencil skirts. Suits. Blazers. Capes. Watches. Trench Coats. All that jazz.
MUAHđ
Fear Crumbles at The Feet of A Bad Bitch
â ïž Pile Four â ïž (Ace of Wands, The Hermit, 5oW)
Initial Impression: In ten years, you are not afraid to whoop somebodyâs ass. I Bet U Wonât by LeVel and Mouse on da track started playing.Â
Iâm sensing tense home energy here. You did not have to do much to be blamed or antagonized for something. You were treated like a black sheep, scapegoated, abused, and expected to take it. If you lashed out in defense, your attackers would take that as an opportunity to paint you as aggressive, a difficult child, or âunsafeâ. This couldâve been with friendships too.Â
My heart is racing right now, in the middle of channeling, a helicopter flew over the neighborhood and told everyone to lock all their entrances and stay inside. I feel like you have spent a huge chunk of your life on edge? Your environment prevented you from safely regulating your nerves and you were never able to feel comfortable anywhere. If your home was not explicitly violent, there was mental warfare that prevented your home from ever feeling like home. Â
Half the people in this pile experienced the opposite. Everyone else in the house was constantly fighting and belligerent and you stayed meek, quiet, and in your room to create some sense of safety.
For some, it's a mix of both.Â
Any power that could have been used to stand up or protect yourself was diffused by parental figures or fake friends. The global lockdown was especially difficult for you and trapped you within the tension of the house. For others, I see that this hermit phase lasted beyond the pandemic and maybe even prior.Â
This is the only pile where I know the transition is happening before the 10-year mark. With all of this fire and solar plexus energy, one day (soon) you will be sparked with the bravery to become your own hero.Â
Youâre removing yourself from a toxic environment and youâre going out SWINGING. Windmilling, even!
Thatâs not to say that this is all on a whim and impulsive. Oh no no no. You are calculated and pushing forward with careful preparation and a solid plan. If you want to move out, youâll have the place planned out, your transportation, your food for the next 6 months, and a job lined up.
If this is simply about pursuing your dreams in an environment that wants to squash them, youâre moving in silence and getting all of your ducks in a row so when the time comes, you can chuck the deuces up and never see those people again.
(if you feel guilty about wanting to cut off family members, don't. You must feel confident in the decision to prioritize your health and safety.)
YOUâRE âBOUT BIG MF BUSINESS.
In a world where you have never known peace, you will be creating a life of harmony and ease for yourself, and you have every right to be proud of that. That is a generational weight that you let go of, your spirit team and ancestors celebrate your strength and vitality.Â
You got some crazy repetition with my Oracle deck. You got âGolden Giftâ, âGolden Retrieverâ, the cards fell in a white-orange color pattern, and you have all this wand (fire) energy. You are a firing supernova, the flame within is what will pioneer you to victory.Â
This is another tale for the agesâyour story will be told far and wide, inspiring boys and girls who dream of a savior to become their own saving grace.
Youâll definitely have a long-lasting red hair phase or youâll have an affinity for the colors red and gold in ten years.Â
Youâll be healthily competitive. You will have an established workout regimen and do at least one recreational active hobby (soccer, hiking, MMA and swimming were of note). Youâll even be competitive at karaoke night. Â
There are some bodybuilders in this collective. If youâre a woman and want to lift but fear looking âbulkyâ, youâll overcome it and fall in love with your muscular physique. There is an accentuation of your butt, shoulders, back, and abs. Youâll look physically imposing and command respect and attention, but welcoming to all. I see children running to your side for safety.Â
Go and be great my lil firecracker!! MUAH đ
God's Golden Gift is a Brave Woman
#arijackz#pick a card#tarot reading#pick a pile#tarot#pac#astrology observations#divination#pac tarot#muah#tarotblr#tarot cards#tarotcommunity
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Lost and Found
prompt: ( requested ) you're just friends, but on your first night at Saltburn, you get lost in the vast halls and accidentally walk in on lover boy after a bath. he wants you to stay.
pairing: Felix Catton x female!reader
fandom masterlist: Saltburn
word count: 3.6k+
note: this SHOULD'VE gotten slutty, but it DIDN'T because i'm back in the hospital and the LAST thing i need is a nurse walking in on me writing fucking smut - oh, my God, can you imagine? new fear unlocked!
warnings: RIP Queen Lizzie, cursing, sexual tension, emotions are hard, Lord's name in vain, depiction of mental illness (anxiety), author throws in a little personal detail cause writing is therapy.
"Honestly, who lives in a place like this? The bloody Queen, that's who. Her and all her fucking rooms! Jesus!" You grumbled, dipping down another winding hallway. "All right, this looks familiar, that's... Encouraging, right?" You frowned, glass of water in hand after venturing to the kitchen to fetch it - but now, you couldn't navigate your way back to your room. "Of course," you growled quietly, opening a door and finding a linen closet.
How silly, in a place like this! A fucking linen closet!
You huffed and shut the door, feeling incredibly awkward and terribly misplaced. You mind screamed that didn't belong here, you never should've set foot in a place like this! How fucking foolish you felt, like a silly little girl who was just excited her crush spoke to her, let alone invited you home with him for the summer holiday.
But it was Felix fucking Catton - certified enigma. He was all man with a boyish charm who smiled at you on move-in day at Oxford and sealed your fate. He was ridiculously nice, so very sweet, borderline annoying with his giving nature and kindness. He was loyal to a fault, intuitive, observant, admirably carefree, and so very happy to give his love to anyone who needed it. For a few weeks, you felt almost offended by his attention, wondering what kind of broken soul he thought you were; knowing he had an affinity for "damaged" or "broken" things.
At least, that's what his cousin, Oxford's registered and certified catty bitch, Farleigh Start, teased you about relentlessly when he noted the way Felix hung around you. Felix invited you out with friends, offered to study together, walked you to and from classes - even if his were in the literal opposite direction. You had no honest idea how the two were related, given Farleigh's constant attitude and Felix's overwhelming kindness, but that wasn't for you to understand. You just relished the attention Felix bestowed in-between your skepticism.
And here you are, your first night in his home, Saltburn, completely lost and totally turned-around! You didn't need water all that bad, did you? Granted, you had a several tablets to take that evening to maintain your health, but you could've used the fucking sink in the adjoining bathroom! You grew frustrated the more doors you opened, finding empty rooms or closets or another fucking library or studies or whatever! As if this home wasn't big enough, there were multiple levels and all you knew was that you and Felix were both located on the same floor with his parents above you and his sister and Farleigh beneath.
So, that helped.
But you still felt so fucking silly.
Seriously, who got LOST in someone else's home!? Fools, that's who!
Okay, okay, okay, you didn't need to be so hard on yourself, but you grew nervous and fearful for a reason you didn't understand. Your anxiety was planted in your stomach, festering, growing, taking over you to the point that you had tears in your eyes when you found yet ANOTHER fucking study!
"Oh, even the bloody fucking Queen doesn't have this many useless rooms, and she's a much bigger family, Jesus fucking Christ," you sneered to yourself - ready to give up and just sleep in one of the empty rooms. But you didn't want Duncan finding you in the morning, asking questions, forcing you to admit you were lost - you felt humiliated enough as it was! And that was without anyone witnessing this absolute mess you had made!
Well, not technically a mess - but you felt like a mess the more you crept around. And now, you felt fucking creepy - like some stalker, sneaking around the halls, trying to spy on this very nice family. You knew you weren't, but the feeling was still there - fucking anxiety would honestly be the death of you.
However, you came upon a familiar (enough) door that had a gentle light emitting from under it. With a sigh of relief, you suddenly remembered leaving a light on for yourself to return to; reaching for the doorknob, twisting it, and darting into the room while swiftly swinging the door close - but halting it to shut quietly as to not disturb anyone in the empty halls.
Yeah, anxiety was a bitch.
"Ohh-ho, evenin', love," a voice greeted, making you gasp, jump, and twist around. "Miss me that much? Heard the drain on the tub, didn't yah, had to come sneak a peek?"
Felix fucking Catton stood at the end of a messy bed in all his glory, running a towel through his wet curls. Nothing obscuring your sight, nothing hiding his manhood, nothing - literally nothing on his body except a shit-eating grin.
"Jesus, Fi! Fuck, I-I-I'm so - um," you gulped, trying not to ogle him, but failing (miserably) when beads of water rolled between the contours of his impossibly impressively sculpted muscles. "I just - you know, this place is so bloody big - um, I'm sorry - I just... Yeah..."
He smirked, nodding sarcastically, "Uh-huh. And you just happened to stumble into my room? Pretty good timing, too, wasn't it?"
You squeaked, "I didn't mean to! I swear - Felix, I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to, um, yeah, you know - uh..."
"Like what you see, sweetheart? Why don't you come in closer, get a better look?"
You adverted your eyes out of respect and fumbled messily for the door handle. "Oh, sweet Jesus. Bloody house is just too bloody big, I got all turned around - just needed some water and I just - fuck, I'm sorry - "
"Hey, hey," Felix chuckled, wrapping his towel loosely around his hips so his V-line was still on raunchy display, "I'm only teasin', love. I know this place can get confusin' t'newcomers. I actually meant to grab you some water, know you gotta take your tablets."
You swallowed your embarrassment, sighing, "I'll just - yeah - no - I'll, um, just go - I'm so sorry, again."
"You know where you're goin' all of a sudden?"
You faced the door, not wanting to make him uncomfortable, shaking your head gently, "Well, no, but I'll figure it out - I left a, um, I left a light on, you know, to help - I don't know - uh, guide me?"
"You've not stuttered this much since we first met," he laughed, tugging a pair of boxers on for your sanity (and to your dismay). "I'm dressed, doll, you can look at me now. C'mon, bit weird talkin' to your back."
"We're not talking, Felix, I'm going to bed."
"Then why haven't you left yet?"
You blinked at the intricately carved door, realizing your hand was still on the knob, but it hadn't turned. "I didn't want to be so rude as to just walk out, mid-sentence!"
"Hey, hey, you're all right, darlin', I'm only teasin'," he grinned, hearing his bare feet pad over the ground before his warm hand wrapped around your elbow. "C'mon, love, hang with me a bit - 's not that late, is it?"
"Oh, so, Duncan can walk in? Make his assumptions?" You whispered, slowly facing him and leaning back on the door with a pout. His big, brown, doe-eyes stared directly into yours, making you feel under his spotlight - something akin to a privilege, since Felix Catton didn't bestow his attention on everyone. "I just needed water, I didn't mean t'get, you know, lost like this. Seriously, this place looks totally different at night."
"Surprised you even got this far, huh?"
"I looked in any room with an open door," you admitted with a small wince. "I felt so creepy, but I was all turned around - and you know, you shouldn't leave other lights on in rooms not being used. Terrible waste of energy."
"Awh, my sweet, environmentally-conscious girl," he cooed, hand raising to gently pinch your jaw. There was a serene moment, the pair of you just staring at one another, becoming acutely aware that he was still practically naked. "C'mon, don't leave yet, we can play cards if you like?"
"I've medicine t'take - "
"Right, right, right," he nodded, letting his hand drift to hold your neck in a gentle grasp. "Tell you what, you stay here, I'll grab your meds, and bring them back? You keep 'em in that li'l pink bag, yeah?"
"I don't know how to feel that you know which is my med bag," you narrowed your eyes playfully.
"Just shows I pay attention, don't it?"
"Maybe shows we spend too much time together?"
He kissed his teeth, grinning at you, "There's no such thing - in fact! I reckon we could double our time together and it still wouldn't feel like enough."
"Well, how's that help me later? I still don't know where my room is - oh, don't laugh!" You groaned, Felix snickering louder. "Fi, c'mon, it's not funny - this place is huge! Like, illegally huge!"
He cooed, "Oh, doll, 'M not laughing at you, promise. Just... You're not the first person t'get lost here, yeah?"
You scoffed with severe discomfort, "I really don't want t'hear 'bout all the other girls you've brought home - "
"Hey, now," he cut you off swiftly, "don't do that." He shrugged meekly, "There's been no others, just friends. Mine, Farleigh's, Venetia's... They've all gotten lost once or twice... Or that time we had to actually draw Reggie a map, poor lad got lost around every bend."
You rolled your eyes, "Truly expect me to believe that, do you?" Then you let your eyes widen a fraction, teasing, "Oh, wow, you really believe it! You really believe you haven't brought home other girls who you're interested in or who are into you?"
He crowded you into the door, shifting the room's energy to something sultry, making you hold your breath as his hand slid into your hair. "You know you're the only one, right?"
"You know that's absolute bullshite, right? Like, what a fucking line!"
He tisked, "C'mon, doll."
"Be honest, Felix."
His head cocked, "Want the truth?"
"That'd be a nice change of pace."
He scoffed lightly, "I don't give a single fuck if any of our previous guests cared for me - only you. Hear me?" He took the last step so he was stood with his feet slotted between yours. "I didn't bring them here for any other reason than friendly entertainment. You've seen the place, as big as it is, can get a bit lonely without anyone to hang with. But I asked you here... For different reasons..." He whispered, eyes jutting down to your lips as he kept a firm hold on you.
"And what reasons are those, Fi?"
He smirked, "Obviously... To kick your arse at cards."
You were flooded with pure disappointment. Raw, unfiltered disappointment that deflated your shoulders. "Yeah, right, like that would ever happen," you covered, nudging him a single step away from you. "Wanna be a gentleman and direct me to my room now?"
"Nope," he grinned, snatching your hand and yanking you away from the door. "You're gonna sit your pretty self right here," he nudged you to the edge of his bed, turning for his desk, then turning back to you to slap a deck of cards to your hand, "you're gonna shuffle these, and mentally prepare to get your arse handed to you at your own game."
You chuckled slightly, "Thought you hated 51 Rummy?"
"Only when sober," he smirked, leaning down to peck your forehead sweetly. "Sit tight, doll, I'll be a moment, yeah?"
You sighed and watched him exit the room, reaching to set your glass of water down and observe the room. In a moment of weakness, you pet over his sheets as if tempted to snuggle into them - and you were! You were cold from the lack of robe you meant to shrug on, and wondering the halls of Saltburn took much longer than you anticipated - now wanting to dive into the warmth you knew was left, the same warmth that Felix left on everything.
You jumped when the door opened again, Felix slipping inside with your little pink bag. His brows pinched, "All right, love?"
"Hmm? Yeah - "
"Your feet are nearly blue," he shook his head, handing you your bag before turning for his wardrobe. "Socks or sweats?"
"Huh?"
He turned, holding up a pair of sweatpants and socks, repeating, "Socks or sweats? Figured you're a bit cold in that." The left side of his mouth quirked up in a smirk, eyeing you in your sleep shorts and loose teeshirt that had the collar ripped out, showing a hint of cleavage.
"Oh, uh, socks, please."
He tossed you the socks, dropped the sweats, and joined you on the bed as you pulled the oversized garment onto your feet. "C'mere, get close, get comfortable," he chuckled, pushing his blankets down to sit in the sheets, waiting until you turned in the bed to yank the blankets up over both your legs. "Didn't shuffle? My naughty girl," he joked, reaching for the deck of cards and opening it. He offered a much softer smile, eyes darting to your medicine bag, and then focusing on the cards - as if to give you privacy to take your meds.
You did so quickly, insecure about the rattling bottles and the amount of tablets in your cupped hand, but never once had Felix made you feel bad about your needs. After swallowing them, you cleared your throat and turned to face Felix as he divided the cards for the game, nodding to his side table, "Paper's over there, doll, for the score."
"Sure you want me to keep score?" You asked softly, reaching for the pad of paper and spare pen. "Last time we played, you lost so very miserably, I was embarrassed for you. We can save your pride a li'l, not keep score."
"It's only polite to let the pretty lady win."
"Oh, tryin' to butter me up, are you?"
"Is it working?"
"I'll let you know."
Felix chuckled, leaning back to the headboard. Then, he asked softly, "You feelin' all right?"
"Hmm? Oh, yeah, all good."
"Sure?"
"Why?"
"Hands are shakin' a bit."
You eyed him for a moment, changing the subject by asking, "How're you not freezing? Seriously, 's like the floors are air conditioned."
"Nah, just not cold."
"Your nipples say otherwise."
"Lookin' at my nipples, are you?" He grinned. "Now you're a very naughty girl, knew you didn't stumble into my room on accident!"
"Oh, don't flatter yourself!" You pushed his shoulder, but he leaned closer. "Felix - "
"You could just stay here," he offered softly.
"You got me for a game - "
"No, I mean, uh..." He chuckled to himself, shaking his head and readjusting so he was supported on one elbow, facing you. "Nah, nevermind, all right, so, back to the game - "
"No, wait, say what you're thinking," you encouraged softly. "Know I hate you doin' that."
"Yeah, you get all anxious," he nodded. "I don't want t'be too forward, all right? But... You know, we sleep together at Oxford. I-In the dorms, you know?"
"Yeah, and?"
"Just thought, maybe you'd wanna stay here? With me? If you want, won't make yah, sweetheart, just thought... You know, in a house this big, you wouldn't get so lost stayin' here... Maybe?"
"Oh, aren't you my hero?"
"I know, I know, I'm just tryna look out for you, my li'l lost love. And, you know, prevent you from finding our secret dungeon," he gasped comically.
"That's not even a joke 'cause I'd believe it in a place like this. Is it a dungeon for torture or sex?"
"Wouldn't you like to know."
"Maybe I'd like to see it. Hm," you considered, "maybe I should stay here, you know - so you can show me around and go get me water when I need it. Save my toes from freezing off, wonderin' 'round here."
He grinned, "Yeah?"
"If it's not too scandalous?"
"'S not like anyone would care... Except me, you know? I'd... I'd like you to stay here. Like havin' you close, sweetheart."
"Well, maybe you could put some clothes on? You're terribly fucking distracting! I'm here to win a card game, and I'll be damned if you win 'cause your abs are... You know, staring right at me, you cheater," you grinned, turning to face him fully with your legs crossed, the space in the sheets open for your cards.
"I think you like me naked," he grinned. "I mean, you stared long enough."
"I was just caught off guard!"
"Oh, I'm sure," his grin turned wicked. "You're still staring, doll."
"Well, it's not as if you're quick to cover yourself!"
"You're not too quick t'look away, either!"
"I was - "
"Caught off guard, yeah, you've said," he chuckled, staring at you with those moony brown eyes that made you feel as if you were the only girl he's ever seen. "Maybe I liked you lookin'."
"Is that so?"
He nodded slightly, "Yeah, not such a bad thing. You're kinda the only one I want lookin' at me like that, anyway."
"You absolute cheesehead!" Your laughter was quiet, trying not to tip Duncan off to your antics.
"You know, they're not just for lookin'," he perked his pierced brow at you. "Feel free to touch whenever you want, too."
"Hm, always knew you were a slut."
He gasped dramatically. "Is that anyway to talk to your host? Especially after giving you refuge from the big, scary, confusing halls?" Your eyes rolled and reached out to pushed his forehead, making him rock back into the pillows and headboard - but he was quick to snatch your wrist as he fell. You were yanked across the slim space, pulled so you were directly resting onto his chest; forearms bracing against his pectorals. He grinned, caressing the back of your head, teasing, "'Ello, love."
"You're a fucking fiend."
"And you're so fucking beautiful."
"I'm already stayin' here, Fi, you don't have to lay it on so thick."
He hummed, "You know... If you were mine, you'd get this treatment all the time. I can't stop - you're just so easy to compliment."
Feeling bold, perhaps from being so close and him being nearly naked, you whispered, "Then maybe you should stop shuffling your feet, grow a pair, and ask me already."
He paused, the moment turning soft as you relax against his body; stretched out the length of him, but still remaining propped on his chest to look down at his sweet face.
"Was a bit afraid to, actually, love."
"Why?"
"Haven't felt like this with anyone," he admitted, "'s just so fuckin' easy with you. Organic, authentic, safe... I was afraid to ruin that, destroy the rapport and friendship we've established. I care about you so much, I just wanted you in my life - no matter what variation that was. Being just my friend, being my girl, just want you with me. Didn't want to jeopardize anything."
"Hm," you considered, nodding slowly, "I get that. Think I felt something similar..."
"So, what do we do?"
"I think we be adults about this," you offered. "If you just want to be friends, we'll stay friends, Fi, but we don't blur lines like we have been. And if you want to give this - us - a try, I think we could. 'Cause you're you, and I'm me, and if things don't work out, we can just go back. Right? Adults do that sorta thing, don't they?"
"Not entirely sure, don't feel like an adult most days," he breathed, petting his fingertips down your cheek. "But I know I want this, with you. I swear, since you came into my life, I've felt - " He paused, shaking his head with a growing smile, "Free? Elated? Light as air?"
"Mhm, I know the feeling," you repeated.
"We doin' this?"
"That's up to you."
"I think it's up to us, actually - "
"I mean, you've gotta ask, Fi, not just assume."
"If you reject me in my own house, in my own bed, doll, I'm gonna be fucking crushed!"
"Oh, my God, just ask me! You fucking knobhead!" You laughed, leaning your head on his chest. His other arm moved behind his head to keep it propped up, looking at you with so much adoration, it knotted your stomach. The hand that had been in your hair drifted down to keep a secure hold on your waist; fingers scratching in soothing motions.
"Wanna be my girl?"
"Hmm, I think you could phrase it better."
He grinned brightly, "Would you be my girlfriend?"
"Oh, that's a little too formal. Maybe try - "
"Oh, c'mere, you," he growled, swiftly using both arms to seize under your arms and literally drag you up his body. "C'mon, baby," he whispered, lips ghosting yours, "be my baby."
"Fuck, no, that's way too cheesy!"
"I thought you liked me cheesy?" He gaped, your hand petting his cheek now; shoulders straining to keep you upright, over him.
"Correction, I love you cheesy," you whispered, lowering your head to press a quick kiss to his lips. He hummed in relief, but you pulled back to promise, "I'd love to be your girl, Fi. Only took you the whole bloody school year, didn't it?"
"Hey, good things to those who wait, right?"
"Don't quote Professor Mercy at me when we're in bed with barely anything on, Jesus fucking Christ," you grumbled, unable to restrain your grin when he pulled you in for another kiss - but this time, stealing the breath right out of your lungs.
Maybe getting lost in Saltburn was more beneficial than you originally thought, and maybe Professor Mercy and ages of philosophy was right because this felt like the absolute best thing, and you'd wait a hundred lifetimes if it meant having Felix in your arms - like he was now, kissing you like it was his lifeline.
How extraordinarily warm, you felt, to be lost in this world, in this extraordinary home, and found, by Felix fucking Catton.
requesting rules and masterlist
Saltburn masterlist
#felix catton#felix catton x reader#felix catton x fem! reader#felix catton x you#felix catton x y/n#felix catton imagine#felix catton fanfic#felix catton fanfiction#felix catton fluff#felix catton saltburn#saltburn felix catton#saltburn felix#saltburn#saltburn 2023#saltburn movie#saltburn fanfiction#saltburn imagine#fix it felix#felix catton request
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MEAN? ILL SHOW YOU MEAN
mean!eren x tem!reader smut
Warnings: smut, p in v, oral (m receiving), spanking, fingering, edging, tummy bulge kink, eventually turns soft because I'm incapable of full hard dom đ
you walk into your shared bedroom, throwing your shoes off before stomping over to your side of the bed. Eren walks in behind you, pissed look on his face. "you embarrassed me so bad tonight" you yell, hands crossed and a scowl on your face.
eren let's out an airy chuckle. "I embarrassed you? You embarrassed yourself. Acting like a slut in public." He says with a serious tone. Tonight you and eren went to a party, he was talking close to another girl, this upset you, so to get back at him you started grinding up on Connie, not for too long before eren snatched you up and took you home.
"why do you care if I act like a slut! 's not like you weren't all over that bitch.." you yell out. "I was having a conversation. god you're so fuckin stupid sometimes..." he says, getting aggravated. "you're so mean to me! should've went home with Connie. Atleast he would treat me right..." You mumble the last part, not quiet enough, because it does not miss erens ears.
he visibly tenses up at this. His eyes turn dark, "the fuck did you just say to me?" He says in a low tone. you regret this instantly. "n-nothinâŠ.. didn't say anything" you stutter out, not daring to look him in his eyes. He chuckles, "you think I'm mean now? you haven't seen mean, I'll show you mean" he says walking over to your side of the bed.
before you can protest he's manhandling you off of the bed and onto your knees. "ren what are you- shut the fuck up and open your mouth. now." you're cut off by eren, whos unblocking his pants. Hazel green eyes peering down at you with a "don't try me" look, a strand of hair falling perfectly infront of his face from his bun. he was turning you on, as much as you wanted to punch him right now.
Once his pants were dropped, he pulled down the waistband of his boxers, fully hard dick sprung out. Tip red and achey. You instantly open your mouth sticking your tongue out, your hands reach up to stroke him when he swats your hands away. "No hands. Your mouth only." He says, looking you in your eyes. You're about to whine when he grabs you by the back of your head and shoves his dick in your mouth, tip hitting the back of your throat and you gag.
You tap his thighs but he doesn't budge, pulling his dick back out, then slamming it back in your mouth. Face fucking you. "Fine, you don't want to listen? I'll do it for you. Breathe through your nose." He says, breath hitching. Big hands tangled in your hair, head bobbing. His thrusts were fast and sloppy, drool was dripping out of your mouth, once you get your breathing under control you look up.
eren was holding the bottom of his white tee in his mouth, happy trail and abs on display. His eyes shut, groaning on his shirt, cheeks flushed, he looked so good fucking your face. You could feel yourself getting wet, you took one of your hands and went down to your core. thanking yourself mentally for wearing a dress and no panties. you start playing with your clit and let out a whine, eren notices this. "did I say you could touch yourself?" He asks, still fucking your face. You manage to quickly shake your head."exactly. Move your fucking hand, now." He growls, you move your hand, whining.
erens thrusts get very sloppy and he starts groaning, throbbing in your mouth. You know he's close. "f-fuck, gonna cum in your mouth. Swallow a-all of it" he groans, hips bucking, he shuts his eyes tight before releasing all in your mouth, hitting the back of your throat he pulls out,you cough before swallowing it all. "let me see" he says, out of breath. Tears on your waterline, you open your mouth and stick out your tongue. Eren nods in approval before manhandling you again, helping you up. "Strip" he says, removing the remaining clothes he has in too.
You slip off your dress, Eren watches you with lustful eyes. He sits on the edge of the bed before speaking, "bend over my lap" he says looking at you. You comply, bending over his lap. before you can ask what he's doing, a slap lands on your ass, making you Yelp.
Then another. "R-ren! What are you doing" you say, eyes watering again. "You want to act like a slut then you will be treated like one." He says in a low tone, landing another slap on your ass.
your ass is red and achey now, each slap feeling like needles. Tears fall from your face. "r-ren I'm sorry! I'm s-sorry I won't do it again." you say, crying out, squirming in his lap. He pushes you back down into his lap. "Keep fucking moving and I'll spank you till you pass out" he says through gritted teeth. After some more of this, you're full on sobbing. Bottom completely red. "r-ren i'm s." you can't even get a sentence out at this point.
Eren takes pity on you. Your trembling figure and tears falling from your face. He rubs your ass gently, "is my baby sorry, hm? Gonna start listening to 'ren, yeah?" he cooes, placing a soft kiss on your bottom. You whine before nodding your head frantically. He continues to place gentle kisses up your bottom until he brings his fingers to your core. Spreading your legs in his lap a bit, he laps up some of your arousal and stimulates your clit with his thumb. You let out a moan, "that feel good pretty girl?" He asks gently, rubbing your clit faster.
you nod, "f-feels so good ren" you whimper. He plunges in two fingers in your core. You whine at this, mouth falling open. He picks up his pace and curls his fingers and rubs your bud faster.
Your eyes roll back, he can feel you clenching on his fingers. " *y gonna cum on my fingers sweetheart?" He asks, bringing his free hand up to gently massage your still red bottom. You whine and nod, he continues his motions. You can feel the coil about to snap,
"c-cumming!" You yell out, Eren instantly removes his fingers, you whine and feel your eyes getting watery. You were so close.
"r-ren! Why did you stop.. i was gonna cum" you say with little sobs, sexually frustrated. Eren places kisses up your back. "m sorry pretty girl, but you've been acting up. Didn't deserve to cum, that's for good girls" he says gently. You whine "b-but i am a good girl!" you protest. Eren chuckles before picking you up off his lap and placing you on the bed on your back. You pout, not even looking at him, sniffling. Eren comes in between your legs and places a kiss on your lips. "don't be mad at me princess, might let you cum on my cock if you're a good girl. How does that sound, hm?" He cooes, you perk up and nod your head, still sniffling.
he smiles at this. Giving you one last peck on your lips before stroking himself a few times, aligning himself with your core. He starts teasing your clit with the tip of his cock, gliding over it, your arousal coating his red tip. You whine "ren please." he smirks "be patient" he says, teasing your slit and bud for a little while more, before he can't wait either. He slowly sinks in, groaning at the feeling. "S-shit you're so tight." he says, you whimper. He finally bottoms out. "So...b-big" you moan, wrapping your legs around erens waist. Eren comes down and kisses you, he pulls back out a bit before slamming back in. Making you cry out. "s-so full.." you ramble. "i know.. i know.. you can take it, 's okay" he cooes, making you melt before he starts thrusting slowly, and deep, hitting all your spots.
you clench around him, making him groan. "F-fuck, If you keep doing that I'm going to cum now." He says, biting his lip to hold back a moan. Thrusts become faster, you're a mess now. Eren brings one of your hands down to your stomach. You look down and see a bulge. "You feel that pretty girl? That's daddy, look how deep im in your tummy" he says softly, slurring his words. his hand overtop of yours, covering the bulge. You let out a moan "f-feels so good" you say, bringing your Arms around his neck and pulling him into a sloppy kiss.
you moan in eachothers mouth, he brings his thumb down to your clit, circling it and you moan, he brings his tongue into your mouth, full on making out now. His thrusts speed up, you can feel that familiar sensation rising in your stomach. " 'm gonna cum..m gonna cum!" You moan. "Yeah? You gonna cum Angel? Cum on my cock" he cooes, thrusting in harder, picking up his pace with his thumb on your clit.
This sends you over the edge, you claw your nails into his back, gushing all over him, yelling out his name. You're seeing stars.
Erens thrusts get sloppy and before you know it he's cumming right after you. He pulls out instantly and brings you into his arms, both of you coming down from your highs. "so good for me.." he says in a raspy tone, pecking your lips. "I love you ren" you say softly, he melts at this. "I love you so much Angel, let's get you cleaned up,hm?" He says before pecking your forehead.
#Eren smut#aot smut#attack on titan smut#eren jeager x reader#eren yeager#eren aot#eren x reader#eren fic#eren smut fic#aot x reader#levi aot
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BUT WHY? WHY NOT.
pairing. ghostface!park sunghoon x fem!reader
summary. in a sudden turn of events, you ask with shaky tears why your boyfriend, park sunghoon, is doing what heâs doing. the answer he gives you is more terrifying than the whole situation itself.
warnings. kinda suggestive at some parts, vivid descriptions of killing, mentions of mental illness, hurt no comfort, cursing, one of the characters has a gun
tagging baes @saursoob @moons-v @wonniestars
recommended playlist. sometimes & race by alex g
âYou know I love you and Iâd never do anything to harm you, right?â
Park Sunghoon always loved to say that to you, especially when you separated your mouth from his and youâd give him those eyes that told him youâd do anything for him.
You were just so easy. Easy prey to catch for big strong intimidating Park Sunghoon. Easy prey to feast upon.
He was a gentleman. Looking back at the past 7 months of your relationships, you never once remembered having to open a door handle by yourself. His hand was already there before you could even touch the metal knob.
âWhat boyfriend would I be if I let you open doors all by yourself?â Heâd say with an eyebrow raise and a smirk.
Even though he was clearly teasing you, you felt giddy that you had such a great boyfriend like him.
You just wish you saw the signs sooner.
đ«
The first red flag was how twitchy Sunghoon would get at random times. Sure, it was normal for Sunghoon to be a bit shyâeven awkwardâbut the sudden twitchiness didnât go unnoticed by you. It was almost if he was uncomfortable in his own skin, desperate to get out.
But Park Sunghoon was perfect. He was the perfect boyfriend, the perfect son, and the perfect boy, there was nothing wrong with him, right?
Right.
âI donât know,â Sana says as she shakes her head, clearly frightened by whatâs happening. âI feel like someone is stalking us.â
Your friend group collectively starts comforting her, all besides your boyfriend who sat next to you with a frown.
âIâm sure itâs nothing,â you say, rubbing Sanaâs hands comfortingly. âRight Hoonie?â
âYeah.â If thereâs another thing about your boyfriend, heâs good at reassuring people. âMaybe youâre overthinking Sana? Itâs okay, youâre safe with us.â
âHeâs right.â Hyoseop, one of your other friends, chimes in. âBesides San, you canât let this scary moment dictate your life!â
Sana nods solemnly. âI guess. Are we still on that camping trip this weekend?â
âHell yeah we are!â Your friend group cheers, which is more than enough to make Sana feel better about the whole situation.
đ«
âSleeping tents?â
âCheck.â
âFlashlights?â
âCheck.â
âBatteries?â
âCheck.â
âToothââ
âBaby.â Sunghoon wraps his arms around you from behind, putting his chin on your shoulder. âI promise we have everything, letâs go before weâre late and Eunae makes a big deal about it.â
You giggle, turning around to give him a proper hug. He smelt exactly like the vanilla scented candles you loved so much.
âYouâre right, I donât want Eunae on our asses in the middle of the woods.â
Sunghoon drives the both of you in his green shiny Jeep, the one his dad had bought him last month. The camp site was about 2 hours from your house, so you plugged your headphones in, leaning against the window as one of Sunghoonâs hands comes to hold your thigh.
âWake up sleepyhead.â He says, flicking your forehead which makes you jolt from your sleep.
âYah Hoonie! Donât do that,â your cheeks puff out in annoyance, and your boyfriend canât help but laugh, pinching it between his thumb and index finger.
âI texted Hyoseop, he says theyâre already all here.â Sunghoon opens up the trunk, pulling out all your stuff with a grunt. âJesus, itâs just 2 nights and weâre packing like weâre moving here or something.â
You roll your eyes, âwe need to be as prepared as possible! I donât even like camping, but Eunae insisted.â
âWell Eunaeâs a bitch.â
You slap his arm, making the boy jump. âHoon! You canât say that out loud.â
âYouâre thinking it too baby.â He swings his heavy duffle over one of his shoulders, his other arm holding the gigantic tent you guys had bought to share for the 2 nights.
âI donât know why you couldnât just put all your things in our big backpack.â You say, already feeling out of breath as you guys make your way to the site. âYou donât even have that much clothes anyway Hoonie.â
âJust wanted my own bag, thatâs all.â He smiles. âPlus, the backpack is already extra heavy with all your stuff.â
You whine at his words, making him chuckle.
âY/N! Sunghoon!â The voice of Inyoup, Hyoseopâs brother, echoes through the area. âYou made it!â
âCourse we did.â Sunghoon dabs up the boy, which leaves you to say hi to Eunae and Jihyun.
âWhereâs Sana?â You ask, not seeing the familiar ginger anywhere in sight.
Jihyun pulls out her phone, checking Sanaâs location. âShe should be here by 7, said sheâs running a little late because of boyfriend things.â
Jihyun sends the group a wiggle of the eyebrows, which stirs up laughter and a gross! from Inyoup.
â7 is gonna be so dark though, Iâll make sure to go fetch her.â Hyoseop says. âNow câmon, letâs get a bonfire settled!â
đ«
Night time rolls around quicker than expected, the sky above already clearing out with the few stars being the only source of light in the surrounding campsite.
âAre you cold?â Sunghoon asks, pulling you closer to his side as all of you sit on the pieces of wood in front of the fire.
âIâm better now with you generating all this heat.â You joke, digging yourself closer into his side. âActually, did you bring any extra coats Hoon?â
He doesnât really hear your question, too engrossed in whatever horror story Jihyunâs telling the group.
âYeah yeah.â He says, waving you off.
You take yourself out of his hold, going over to your tent. Honestly, it was a mess, but you were able to make out Sunghoonâs filled to the brim duffle bag. You open it, trying to scuffle through for something warm to wear.
âAh shit,â you whisper, taking your cut finger to your mouth before examining the cut clearer. âWhat the hell?â
You uncover the jacket that was covering whatever sharp object that had sliced through your finger earlier.
It was a long sharp knife.
Where did your boyfriend get this? You hadnât seen a knife like this around in your house, and more importantly, why?
Itâs probably for precaution. Your brain tells you. Sunghoon is always so careful, he probably wants it to be safe incase any wild animals come.
So you ignore the knife, placing it back inside Sunghoonâs duffle. You place his jacket and make your way outside.
âItâs already 6:50, maybe we should go pick up Sana now.â You say, blowing air into your hands since it was starting to freeze.
âOh shit, Iâm cooking right now.â Hyoseop looks at the grill heâs currently grilling meat on and then back to the group. âCan someone else go get her? Preferably a guy, we shouldnât let the girls walk out this dark.â
âIâll go get her.â Sunghoon offers. âLet me just put on another layer really quick.â
You take a seat next to Inyoup, sipping on a glass bottle of Coca Cola.
âYou think we can curl our hair with these like Olivia Rodrigo said in her song?â Jihyun jokes, raising her empty bottle up into the air. âIâm gonna try it.â
âYou go do that.â Eunae scoffs, clearly unimpressed with the girl.
đ«
It takes approximately about 25 minutes for you and the group to start worrying, not seeing Sana or Sunghoon in sight.
âThe parking isnât that far right? They shouldâve been here 5 minutes ago.â Hyoseop says, setting the silver plate of food onto one of the wooden logs near the grill.
âNo yeah, Iâm getting worried.â Jihyun stands up, âIâm gonna get a flashlight and look for them at this point.â
Jihyun makes her way to the tent she shares with Eunae, which was right across from yours.
âShit shit shit,â she mumbles, her hands rummaging through the messy tent. âShit!â
âWhatâs wrong?â You ask, quickly running over. âJihyun, whatâs wrong?â
âSome animal mightâve came in earlier and ruined our things.â Jihyun places a hand on her forehead, clearly stressed about the whole ordeal. âPlease tell me thereâs still a flashlight.â
She checks through her and Eunaeâs bag, only to find everything but a flashlight.
âItâs okay Ji, me and Hoon have a few in our tent.â You reassure her, which makes the girl feel a bit better.
âSunghoonâs back!â
Inyoupâs announcement makes you practically bolt out of Jihyunâs tent right away.
âHoon!â You rush over to him, cupping his face. âWhyâd you take so long? Whereâs Sana?â
He gently peels your hand off, looking back at the group with a smile. âShe says she forgot her toothbrush on the way and sheâs gonna drive to the nearest CVS. Should be back in 20 minutes.â
The rest of the group seems to buy Sunghoonâs words, all except Eunae.
âWell why did you take so long then, Sunghoon?â
âOh fuck off Eunae.â Inyoup exclaims. âItâs too dark right now for you to start an argument.â
Eunae scoffs. âYou know what? Fine. Iâm gonna take a dip in the lake, I donât want to be near any of you right now.â
When sheâs finally gone, Inyoup whistles. âI still donât know why weâre all friends with her when she makes everything miserable.â
âLetâs just calm down.â As usual, your boyfriend is the mediator, which makes you smile and lean into his side.
âYou canât be worrying me like that Hoon!â You groan, hitting him in the chest jokingly. âHad me thinking you were lost.â
âBaby you know me,â he grins. âIâm great at navigating in the night time.â
He suddenly pulls away, âah, Iâm so hot from all the walking. Iâm gonna go dip my legs in the lake for a bit.â
âOkay,â you give him a peck on the cheek. âDo you want me to come with you?â
âYou can come if you want baby.â He looks down to make direct eye contact. âI know Hyoseop just made beef. You wanna eat that first and meet me later?â
You think about it a second before nodding, placing one last kiss on his face. âYouâre right. Iâll see you in a bit Hoonie.â
đ«
Sunghoon sighs in relief, finally glad to have you off his back for a while.
He takes out the familiar black suit and mask, the one that is seen so many times in the scream franchise. The ghostface mask and suit.
He places it over his body, the mask fitting his face so perfectly that heâs in awe.
He already knows his first victim.
Choi fucking Eunae.
God, did she annoy him. Always getting into petty disagreements, always making a ruckus out of nothing. And tonight? The way she accused him so adamantly, the way her eyes crinkled on disgust as she looked at him.
He had to get rid of her.
âSurprise Eunae.â
Eunaeâs arms are no use to Sunghoonâs muscular ones thatâs wrapped around her throat.
âHelp!â Eunae tries to scream, but it only comes out squeaky and inaudible.
âPoor little helpless Eunae,â Sunghoon taunts. âTaking a dip in the lake to cool her nerves because she just canât help her silly little thoughts in her head.â
He points the sharp end of the knife directly at her throat, making a slight tear which lets blood flow down.
âWhy are you doing this?â Eunae chokes up, tears already falling like a waterfall. âSunghoon?â
She wouldnât have known it was him because of the mask, but the voice taunting her earlier gave it all away.
âGoodnight Eunae.â
Sunghoon stabs the girl repeatedly until she stops squirming in his hold. Then, he lets go of the body, watching as it floated face down on the lake.
Theyâll find her by next week, he thinks. The copsâof course. Not your friends, not you. You all would be dead by tomorrow morning before you even knew Eunae was missing.
âAw man.â He frowns. âShe got my gloves all bloody.â
đ«
Sunghoon knew you would come looking for him later, he just didnât know when. Therefore, he knew he had to leave the premises immediately as to not be caught near Eunaeâs body.
He already knew his next victims, anyway. The two brothers, Kang Hyoseop and Kang Inyoup.
He had already gotten rid of Sana, who, at the sight of him in the ghostface mask and suit, barfed all over the parking lot. He found it both amusing and fascinatingâhow the human mind could freak itself out so much to the point of physical sickness.
âEunae! Is that you? Look, Hyoseop said I should apologize earlier for what I did, and although I donât want to, he might be right.â
Maybe Sunghoon didnât have to leave. Maybe Kang Inyoup showing up now was a sign from the universe.
He quickly makes his way behind one of the tall trees, which was enough to hide him but also enough to see Inyoupâs movements.
Inyoup goes towards the dock of the lake, âEunae? Why the hell are you swimming like that?â
He giggles, not realizing how serious the situation was and that Choi Eunae had been dead for 10 minutes already.
Inyoup gets closer, his fingers gripping at Eunaeâs arm. When he flips her over, he lets out a scream of terror, which has Sunghoon coming to put his hands over the boyâs mouth.
âWhat the fuckââ Inyoup cries out, eyes still not believing what they just witnessed. âWhat the..â
âItâs a real shame.â Sunghoon whispers in his ear, the knife heâs holding is dangerously close to Inyoupâs abdomen. âWhen Y/Nie first introduced me to the group, you were so welcoming and kind to me. You even opened up to me before Hyoseop.â
âSunghoon?â Inyoup breathes out, and he canât help but feel betrayal sink into his heart. âNo, please, you canât do this.â
âDidnât you say you got that job offer in Osaka? Japan is beautiful.â Sunghoon takes a jab, which causes Inyoup to move forward in Sunghoonâs hold, groaning from the pain and impact. âItâs too bad you wonât ever step foot in Osaka.â
And he kills him. Drags Inyoupâs body into the lake, which floats along with Eunaeâs.
âYou can apologize to her in the afterlife.â Sunghoon shrugs, finding himself oh so funny.
âOne Kang brother down, the next to go.â
đ«
Now Kang Hyoseop was no idiot. He knew his brother and Eunae had been gone for far too long, he knew Sunghoon had been gone for far too long. And Sana? She didnât even come to the camping site like Sunghoon had confidently stated earlier.
âHyoseop.â Sunghoon shows up behind him, only this time, the suit and mask are off.
âSunghoon.â Hyoseop tries his best to give a sincere smile, but Sunghoon knows.
He knows.
âYou didnât have any food Sunghoon, you must be hungry.â
Sunghoon doesnât know what Hyoseopâs playing at, but heâs already sick of the boy. His body feels itchy, and he has the urge to kill kill kill.
âWhereâs Y/N and Jihyun?â
âOh you know, at the lake. They needed to cool themselves off after such a hot dinner.â
Sunghoonâs eyebrows raise, and he finds his itching fingers reaching for the knife thatâs tucked behind him.
âHyoseop.â He says.
âYes Sunghoon?â
Sunghoon pins down the boy, which is a much harder struggle than Eunae or Inyoup. Hyoseop had been going to the gym, and the boy was no weakling when it came to fights.
âI fucking knew it.â Hyoseop spits at Sunghoon. âYou were the common denominator. Always so secretive and weird around us. I knew it.â
He says that with such disgust that it has Sunghoon cackling, impressed with the guy beneath him.
âBut you didnât say anything Hyoseop? You just let yourself go on a camping trip with the one guy you knew had bad intentions?â
âFuck you!â Hyoseop tries to kick Sunghoon off of him, but it only makes the boy on top press on him harder. âI wanted to be wrong you know. I wanted to be completely wrong about thinking you were some fucked up loser for the sake of Y/N. But God, you are even worse than that.â
Sunghoon leans closer to Hyoseop, their cheeks touching.
âSee you in hell Hyoseop.â
Then all the struggling stops.
Itâs so easy, Sunghoon thinks. He didnât even have to take months to plan this all out, when Choi Eunae said she wanted to go on a camping trip, he knew it was the perfect opportunity to strike.
đ«
âWe have to go.â Jihyun says, grabbing your arms.
You were busy crying, feeling disgusted and horrified at the two bodies of your close friends in the lake.
Who the hell had done this to them?
âWhereâs Hoonie?â You cry out. âWe have to get Hoonie.â
âWeâll find him.â Jihyun reassures you, but her brain says the opposite.
She didnât want to find Sunghoon. Like Hyoseop, she had a weird feeling about your boyfriend from the get-go. She just didnât have the guts to tell you.
âY/N, shh.â Jihyun places her index finger against your lips. âYou hear that?â
Itâs the sound of a body dragging, and you could make out the silhouette of someone tall.
âI have a gun in my tent,â Jihyun whispers. âI have to go get it. Can you distract him?â
You nod timidly, feeling fear strike every nerve in your body.
You throw a big stick across to the lake, which makes a dipping sound that has the man turning.
Jihyun, who had been the star of the track team in her high school days, runs like sheâs never ran before, almost tripping over her own foot.
The man drops the body, and starts getting closer to the lake, making your breath hitch.
You watch Jihyun in the tent, letting yourself let out a breath of relief when she shows you the small gun in her hand.
âSurprise!â
Suddenly, the manâs sights are no longer on the lake, but on you.
His ghostface mask bashes against your face, making you let out a whine of pain.
âJihyun! Jihyun!â You scream.
Jihyun panics, her hands shakily try to position the gun so that it wonât hit you.
She shoots, her eyes closing from the shock after the bullet leaves the gun, making a loud sound.
The man who had a hold on you falls back, grunting in pain.
His arms are behind his back, trying desperately to keep his body sitting upright.
âThatâs what you get fucker!â Jihyun shouts, running over to you and pulling you close to her side. âFor what you did to our friends.â
You hesitantly walk to the man, whoâs body was shaking. You take off his mask, only to reveal the one person you wished it wasnât.
Park Sunghoon.
Your boyfriend.
âSunghoon?â You sob out. âWhat? Why? Why? Why are you doing this?â
Youâre practically shouting now, horrified at the thought of your boyfriend killing your own friends.
His mouth was dripping blood, and his body looks like it was spasming.
Still, he grins, eyes filled with something you canât recognize. He has no remorse.
âWhy not?â
Jihyun decides sheâs had enough, pointing the gun directly at Sunghoonâs head.
His once shaking body crumples to the floor immediately, and you feel your knees buckling at the sight.
âShhh,â Jihyun hugs you from behind, although she too is crying. âLetâs get out of here.â
It all starts to make sense now. The flashlights disappearing, the knife you found in Sunghoonâs duffle.
Although all of this is terrifying, his last words still rang in your ear.
Why not?
#enhypen x reader#enhypen#enhypen imagines#enhypen fanfiction#enhypen fic#enhypen fluff#enhypen texts#enhypen x female reader#enhypen x y/n#enhypen x you#enhypen ff#enhypen scenarios#sunghoon imagines#sunghoon x y/n#sunghoon x you#sunghoon x reader#sunghoon scenarios#sunghoon angst
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I was born and raised American, but with everything that's happened over the past few years I've been considering moving to another country. but I don't know if this is just "the grass is greener". Not sure if this really fits with your blog, but as someone from Europe what's your attitude towards living in the US?
I've visited there a handful of times and most of my thoughts are "damn bitch, y'all really live like this?" People in Finland like to complain about the climate, the taxes, and how stingy the welfare systems are (if you currently rely on them) or how costly they are (if you're currently not relying on them), but honestly most of the time that's because people are used to having it so good, or don't really have a perspective of how bad everyone would be doing without the infrastructure that everything runs on.
Sure, nowhere is perfect, and there's always room for improvement, but honestly the people I've met in the US only really seem to think that their system is good because they've never been anywhere else and don't know any better.
Mostly it's stuff that you'd never think about if you hadn't been to both places, like being able to trust that tap water is drinkable or that you can safely walk/bike to wherever you need to go. The US really doesn't have the kind of ability to just hang out in public places, just walking to the town and sitting on benches. Having public parks and libraries isn't really the same if you can't just walk there, and you genuinely need a car to go anywhere.
I moan and lament a lot about how the winters here are hard to endure - at the darkest time of the year the sun rises at 9 and sets before 5 pm - but I wouldn't move from here just because of that, mainly because of how reliably everything is structured here. Sure, it's all run with funds from relatively high taxes, but that is a self-feeding loop on its own. The tax-paying workforce isn't a disposable resource that's wrung dry once and tossed out when it's broken, but even when you're just another cog in the machine, you're one that's maintained, not replaced if broken.
I had a lot of breakdowns when I was younger, largely due to depression and other mental issues I had due to the undiagnosed ADHD. When I started breaking down at work in my old factory job, they couldn't just fire me on the spot because of the workers' union fought tooth and nail to make sure that you can't throw people out for getting sick, and mental illness is treated no different from other health issues. I was allowed to take two years off work in order to study into a career I thought would fit me better. That didn't turn out well either, but I was still allowed to bounce back and forth between odd jobs, sick leave, and studying - all on government pensions during the spots when I wasn't working a wage - until I found the right diagnosis, the right medications, and the right job.
It's not a hyperbole to say that I owe my life to the ample and studry social welfare systems that Finland has in place. Sure, you're just another brick in the wall, a cog in the machine, but if you keep breaking down, it takes a long time until they completely give up on you if you can somehow make them believe that you're trying, because it's cheaper for the tax system to figure out how to make you fit into the machine than just toss you out. A human being is an expensive investment and if getting you to the right job, education, diagnosis, medication or even arranged housing is what it takes to get your ass back into the workforce, they'll at least try.
I'm perfectly happy to pay the taxes here to fund the system that helped me onto my feet when I was in no condition to function, and to support the people who never do recover, find their place, or be able to support themselves on their own. And I can live with the peace of mind that even if I fall apart again, that safety net is still there. It's brutal, pragmatic, and regards your health and welfare as a means to an end - to get you working and paying taxes again - but they still do prioritise your welfare. Cogs are cheaper to maintain than replace.
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BETTER ME & YOU (k.s)
pairing: footballplayer!sunwooxf!reader
genre: smut, fluff
warnings: sunwoo is a little mean, cutie juyeon, oral, sex,no use of protection( STAY SAFE YALL), use of the nickname âprincessâ
you enter the warm coffee shop, following your regular routine: ordering your favorite coffee then rushing to class. after placing your order you quietly scoot to the waiting area, looking down at your phone as you receive a message from your best friend.
her: GIRL.
you: WHAT??
her: u will NOT believe who followed me omg .
you: omg who??
her: FUCKING. MARK LEE.
you: BRO??
you: THE ONE FROM UR ECON CLASS??
you: THE ONE WHOS JAEMINâS FRIEND??
her: YES. YES.
you: thatâs messy bitch
you: wasnât jaemin ur ex lowkey ..
her: yeah but mark is cute idkâŠ
as you were typing up a response the barista spoke up to notify you the drink was ready. you whispered a small thank you as you walked away before taking a sip of it.
fuck! this is way too much caramel.
while mentally cursing out the barista you became to absorbed in your conversation to realize there was someone in front of you. by the time you realized, you had already bumped into the person. as you both tried to hold your balance you failed.
âgod, can you watch where youâre going?â said the guy across from you. the man in front of you was tall, he was also very pretty. you snap out of your thoughts seeing how rude he was. maybe those were good looks gone to waste.
you were about to curse him out, when you felt the sudden sting of hot coffee soak up your clothes. you let out a groan again before muttering, âasshole, you think i wanted to bump into you?â
you both continue to go back and forth before his friend lends you a hand to help you out, âsorry about him, i can buy you more coffee?â he smiled. âor better yet a change of clothes?â
you smile at him, âthanks so much, but itâs fine. i have to run to class im late!â
âhere take my sweater to at least cover your shirt⊠its kinda see through.â he continued to maintain eye contact as you shuffled to cover your chest. âim juyeon by the way!â
this was lee juyeon. lee. fucking. juyeon. star player of the football team of your school. he was every girlâs crush. he was always accompanied by his large group of friends, who are all very hot.
and of course today he couldnât be accompanied by a nice one. he was walking with kim sunwoo, who was another captain of the infamous football team. you sighed as you realized you knew way too much about these people who definitely didnât even know you.
âyeah i know who you are, youre one of the star players of the football team.â you sighed. âoh god im so embarrassedâŠâ
âokay, princess and the frog, can we move on from this shit, or are you guys gonna kiss and turn each other into frogs?â sunwoo spoke up annoyed tone coding his words. âcome on juyeon, we gotta go to class or coach will make practice tougher today.â
you rolled your eyes as juyeon smiled again, âall right ill see you around princess?â your ears flushed at his statement.
you looked down at your phone quickly unlock it to text your friend.
you: BITCH.
her: what hoeeee
you: FUCKING LEE JUYEON GAVE ME HIS SWEATER.
her: OMFG UR LYING . he is so fine!
you: heâs finer up close oml
you: his annoying friend spilled coffee on me
you: and had the nerve to act like a bitch
you finally got through your whole lecture and all you could think of was juyeon, his beautiful smile, and gorgeous face. he left you his sweater and you were going feral. the scent was to die for, faint smell of expensive cologne and the sweet smell of vanilla.
as you walked out the school you heard some loud yelling from the schools gym. out of concern you take a peak to see a crowd of shirtless guys celebrating. in the crowd you locate juyeon. your heart melts as you see him smiling brightly.
he looks beautiful, the contrast of his muscles against the dimly lit light. you felt like you were dreaming, a smile creeping on your face as you watched him.
your smile quickly turns into a frown as sunwoo walks into your field of view. âwhat are you doing in the boyâs gym?â he questions. âare you stalking me?â he asked making a grossed out face.
you groan, âwhatâs your problem?â as you started unzipping the sweater. âim just here to return this to juyeon.â
âalright you can give it to me, ill give it to him.â he rolls his eyes grabbing the sweater from your hands harshly. you try not to smack him right there.
âyouâre really annoying, you know that right?â you mutter loud enough for him to hear.
he gives you a questioning look, âhm? and what else?â he rolls his eyes making you more annoyed with him, but you stayed silent. your gaze shifting from sunwoo to juyeon.
sunwoo follows your gaze, turning around slightly in order to see what you were looking at, or better yet who. âwhat? you like him now?â he looks into your eyes as he leans on the door frame with a smirk, his body coming into your view. your cheeks quickly turn red and he lets out a chuckle. âknew it,â
you look away, breaking eye contact. âno, i -â you were cut off by juyeon himself.
âsunwoo, coach said to come back weâre ordering pizza!â he smiled at sunwoo before turning to you once he noticed your presence. âcoffee girl!â
your face started flushing again, âjuyeon, hi! i just came to drop off your sweater.â you started shifting around in your place. sunwoo rolled his eyes out of annoyance once more. he stomped away towards the coach as juyeon talked to you. âalright, you have it now!â before you could get a reply you started to walk towards the exit.
âhey! wait! i never got your name?â juyeon yelled loud enough for you to hear. slightly raising his arm, muscles flexing.
âits y/n!â you yell back with a bright smile on your face. you covered your mouth once you saw students of other clubs come out of classroom glaring at you. ây/n!â you whisper-yelled this time.
âswing by practice again tomorrow, y/n!â he whisper-yelled your name to mock you.
you turned around with a bigger smile, but before you could even begin to celebrate your moment you saw sunwoo glaring the two of you. he looked pissed, but you couldnât pinpoint as to why. you werenât doing anything to annoy, if anything heâs annoying you.
you shrug it off and make your way out, heading to where your car was parked.
the next day approaches fast, and you get through the day just fine. today wasnt too bad as you got your coffee right this time, and you didnt bump into an annoying asshole with a cute friend.
speaking of devil, there he goes. his tall figure leaning against the the wall as he talked to a girl. he seemed uninterested as she talked his ear off
they seemed to be talking about something serious. you dont mean to eavesdrop⊠but its not being nosy if theyre being loud enough for you to hear right?
as you continued to look over to get a grasp of the situation, sunwooâs eyes met with your own. his intense eye contact makes you a little nervous and he seems to notice as his lips carved into a sly smirk. his eyes stayed on yours as the girl kept talking to him.
you break eye contact as you see juyeon come out to greet you. ây/n! you actually showed.â he said with a smile.
âwell since you had asked so nicely,â you smile. âsorry im a bit late, i had to return some books to the library.â
âitâs fine,â he smiled. âi actually wanted to talk to you,â
your face lightens up a little at the sound of that and you hum a small âmhm?â.
âone of my friends, eric, hes throwing a party this saturday. i was wondering if you wanted to come?â he let out smile. you stay composed on the outside but internally you were jumping up and down.
you were panicking inside: a cute guy just asked you to come to a party you wouldâve never go to willingly. your eyes meet once more with sunwooâs. he is watching the interaction intensely his brows raising slightly at you, anticipating the answer.
you look away as juyeon speaks up, âif you are free, of course!â
you snap out of your sudden trance, âyes! yes, id love to go!â you say a little too excited. âi mean, if you want me to i could,â
he chuckled at what you said, âokay great,â he smiled as he looked down at you. âgive me your number so i can give you the details,â
sunwoo was pissed. he was not happy seeing this little scene play out. you were quick to give him your number and he couldnât help but be pissed. why do you like juyeon so much? he walked away from the girl as she was talking, not caring about her look of disappointment. fuck, why do i care about who she gives her number to?
you were doing the dishes as your friend showered. you were humming to a song you heard earlier when she started talking from the bathroom, ây/n! have you chosen an outfit for the party yet?â she yelled, her voice sounding faint due to the running water. âitâs tomorrow,â
ânot yet, i cant find anything cute in my closet.â you sighed. she came out the bathroom with a towel wrapped around her head and her long robe covering her body. âletâs go!â she said walking towards your room.
you followed right after her, âiâm telling you theres nothing good.â after the words left your mouth you were quickly shunned by doubt. if anyone was going to find an outfit itâd be her.
⊠and that she did. after a long hour of arguing and disagreement she finally prepared an outfit for tomorrow night. you both settled on a tight dress that hugged your curves perfectly and hung right below your inner thigh. even you didnt remember having this dress. and though, you typically didnt wear heels you borrowed one of her heels to match your dress.
âyoure coming with me right?â you looked at her with pleading eyes and she smirked. âof course i am! a chance to hook up with one of the hot football players that play with your little boyfriend? sign me up!â she said shaking her body in excitement.
you rolled your eyes playfully. letting out a chuckle.
your clock read 9:50 p.m and you were on your way in a cab. you were wearing a tight black dress, your friend decided to go with a similar option. to say the least, you wanted juyeon to like you too.
you applied some lipgloss to your juicy lips as your friend spoke up, âjuyeon will be amazed by your beauty, babes!â you smiled, putting down the little mirror you carried with you. you whispered a optimistic âi hope so!â
soon you arrived, and quickly sen juyeon a message so he could come outside and get you. shortly after you sent him a message he was already making his way out. he ran to you once he spotted you. âyou look amazing, y/n.â he smiled into your hug. âyou as well,â you blushed.
he greeted your friend too and soon you all make your way in to the house, the music getting louder as you enter further in. following juyeon lead you to the kitchen where everyone was getting drinks or playing beer pong.
as you turned around juyeon was gone. you shrugged it off, deciding to get a drink with your friend. in the haze of the moment you saw a familiar face, sunwoo. you rolled your eyes choosing to ignore his presence.
âyou came?â he asked shocked. âwell obviously, i am here.â you rolled your eyes causing your friend to laugh making sunwoo glare at you.
âi donât appreciate your attitude, princess,â the roll of his tongue on the word making you scoff. you didnât want to admit but sunwoo looked hot, and his words didnât change your mind.
it was now 11:56 p.m and you took a sip of your drink. you were looking for juyeon or your friend. as you looked around, you spotted your friend talking to a guy, who you learned was juyeonâs friend. and juyeon was nowhere to be found.
you headed to the kitchen once more. as you entered the dimly decorated kitchen you spotted juyeon finally.
he was talking to the same girl from earlier. his hands were all over her and she giggled pulling him into a kiss.
you feel your heart sink. you put the cup down and head outside, sitting on the front porch. should you leave or wait for your friend? fuck it.
as you were getting ready to get up someone sat next to you, âalone?â sunwoo asked handing you a beer.
great. now sunwoo had to see you like this heâd make fun of you for sure. âyeah, i guess you can say that.â
he looked over at you worried. his eyes following your sad eyes. âwhatâs wrong?â was he actually being nice for once? you looked away from his gaze unable to look him in the eyes from the embarrassment.
âi tried to dress up. i thought maybe heâd like me too,â you laughed sadly. âbut there he was making out with a girl.â
you drop your head only your lap, sighing. âyou can laugh now sunwoo, i know you wanna,â
sunwoo took a long pause before saying anything, ây/n?â you hummed a soft âhm?â. âiâm not gonna laugh at you, princess,â he said, you quickly lift up your head quickly shifting your head to look at him.
âyouâre not?â you ask, still in disbelief.
âno, why would i?â he rebutted. âyou know, juyeon is a dumbass for not paying attention to you tonight.â you furrowed your brows at his comment, wondering what he meant by that.
âyou look breathtaking,â his eyes locking with yours, both of you unable to look away from one another. you were about to break the silence when his soft lips kissed your own.
the kiss was soft, which surprised you since you thought sunwoo would be rough. he quickly pulled away, his face shocked at what he said and did. âiâm sorry, i shouldnât have kissed you,â
your lips form a slight pout before you nodded, maybe he was right. kissing him wasnât the best thing to do right now⊠or so you tried to convince yourself. he coughed slightly, clearing his throat before speaking up, âdo you want me to drive you home, y/n?â he asked with a serious tone. avoiding your eyes as he got up.
you quickly got up, nodding, âif you donât mind,â you say before pulling your phone out to see if your friend wants a ride too. âlet me ask my friend if sheâs coming or not.â
you: iâm going home
you: are u okay staying i wouldnât wanna ruin ur night
you: or do u wanna come back home w me
you: sunwooâs driving
her: i think imma stay in hangin w hyunjae
her: if yk what i mean đ
her: donât wait up babes!!!
you: okayyyy have fun đ
you put your phone away, âshe said she will stay, we can go now.â you say and he starts walking to his car. both of you walking in an awkward silence.
you make it into the car and the silence feels worse. after asking you to type your address in the two of you fall back into the same silence from before.
damn it, why did i enjoy that kiss? you wondered why you couldnât think about anything else as you looked out the window. sunwooâs eyes looking over at you then at the road ahead.
he thought that maybe he should strike up a conversation, but decided against it as the car pulled up to your apartment complex. âalright, we are here,â he said quietly getting out the car with you. âiâll walk you to the front,â he said. âsince itâs dark,â he added to justify his decision.
you nodded and as you both reached your buildingâs entrance you turned to him. âthank you for driving me home,â you smiled slightly. âand walking me to the front!â
his lips curved into a smile unable to respond as his eyes shifted from your eyes to your lips. pushing himself to kiss your lips once more, this time his movements seemed rougher. his hands wondering your body, hands landing on your ass. he gave them a squeeze causing you to moan into the kiss.
you pull away, though you were eager for more. âletâs go up to my apartment,â you say, almost begging him to come up with you. you pulled him to follow you before he could even reply.
when you get to the elevator, you click the button, kissing him again as you two waited for the elevator. âi canât believe you said you didnât mean to kiss me,â you say in between kisses.
he chuckled against your lips. the elevator door opens, and you rush in. clicking the button to your floor impatiently as you and sunwoo kissed each other again. âfuck, youâre gonna kill me princess,â
the elevator door dinged, signaling you had gotten to your floor. you dragged sunwoo out and to your door. fumbling with the keys to quickly open the door.
as you and sunwoo were still kissing you entered and closed the door behind you. your hands wondered his body pulling his jacket off him as if you were a madwoman. âsomeoneâs eager?â he moaned into your mouth causing you to giggle and nod.
âfuck, yes, iâm starving.â you take off his shirt staring at his half naked body with lustful eyes. this atmosphere was dangerous.
you continued to undress each other throwing the clothes around, not caring where they land. you drag him to your room. lightly pushing him to your bed as you climb on top of him. your lips locking again, moans pouring into your mouth as you grind against his growing bulge.
âfuck, princessâŠâ he whimpered. âif you keep doing this i might cum right now,â he says in a low tone against your ears making you moan out.
you pulled away from him making your way down to sit on the floor between his legs. his eyes looked down at yours as if he was going insane at the lack of contact. his hand dragged out to touch his dick. using his hand to press it against your face, dragging his pre-cum against your rosie cheeks. slapping it softly to signal you to open up.
which you obliged to quickly. forming an âoâ to let him know youâre ready. well you think you are.. his dick is so big you second guess yourself.
sunwoo slowly enters your mouth, letting you get used to his length. you start bobbing your head up and down his dick, occasionally gagging at the fullness. you feel yourself getting wet at the sight of his pretty face in this moment.
your hand wonders to your core, rubbing circles causing you to moan against his dick, making him twitch slightly.
âshit, shit, princess, fuckâŠâ the fuck drags out as you deepthroat him. âshit,â he whimpers as he fucks himself into your mouth emptying his load into your mouth. as he calms down from his high, you continue to suck him dry.
he taps your cheek softly, pulling you up to kiss him. âsunwoo, i need you to fuck me now,â you demand as he kisses your neck, âplease, i need you.â
he nodded pulling you to sink onto his cock. your mouth opening and eyes rolling as you took in his length. he moaned into your ear, âfuck, princess, you feel so good.â
he thrusted into you at a fast pace, like he couldnât get enough of you. âsunwoo- shit- you fill me up-p so fuck-fucking good, fuck!â he gropes your boobs, latching his mouth on one of them, giving you more pleasure.
as sunwoo fucked your brains out, you heard your phone ring. who the fuck⊠you decide on ignoring it, feeling too fucked out to even think about picking up. sunwoo read the name and smirked, âyou should get that, babe,â
you roll your eyes from the hard thrusts. he hands you your phone and without looking at the name you answer it.
âhell-fuck-hello!â you try to respond as well as you can, given the fact that sunwoo is fucking you so good.
ây/n! you disappeared on me,â he said chuckling. your eyes widened at his voice, fuck, itâs juyeon. you try to tell sunwoo to stop but he wonât listen, going faster instead.
âs-sorry i wasnât-t feeling g-good!â you yelp as sunwoo holds you in mating press, pulling you closer to him. his lips pressing against your temple, moving to whisper loud enough for you to hear, âbaby, you canât be moaning like that unless you want him to hear youâŠâ
you move a hand to your mouth trying not to moan into the phone. âalright, just wanted to check in on you, y/n!â he said softly. âhave a good night, pretty girl.â
sunwooâs hand rests on your lower stomach, pushing against it slightly. âare you this horny because of me⊠or because of juyeon?â
you whimper out a response, âfuc-k for you!â
he smiles against your neck before sucking a hickey onto it, âthatâs how it better be,â he says. âyouâre mine, princess.â
he continues to fuck into you, and you can feel yourself getting closer.
his hand trails down to your clit, rubbing circles to push you over the edge. you moaned loudly, as your body shuttered at the strong feeling of satisfaction. âwhere do you want me to cum?â
âfuck! cum in me,â you say in the state of pleasure. âshi-shit,â
and he complies, filling you up. he pulls you down to lay next to you as you breathe heavily trying to calm down from that.
his dick still in you, as he is unable to pull out.
you wake up to the smell of pancakes. you get up from the bed noticing youâre only in your underwear and sunwooâs shirt from last night. you smile to yourself before heading to the kitchen. you see sunwoo standing by the stove, you wrap your arms around his waist, hugging him from behind.
âgood morning, princess,â he turns around to kiss you.
âit smells so good in here,â you smile at him. âmmm, iâm hungry!â you say getting a plate to serve yourself.
âyou know what⊠iâm also hungry, princess.â he says following you. and you get him a plate too. he takes them from your hands and places them down before picking you up to help you get on the counter. âthatâs not what i meant,â
you playfully roll your eyes and he smiles.
#sunwoo x reader#sunwoo x you#sunwoo#sunwoo smut#tbz x reader#tbz scenarios#tbz imagines#the boyz smut#the boyz scenarios#the boyz#perfumejamal
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Helloooo prompt (maybe reverse) "i pictured you with other girls in love... then threw up on the street." With Lando x reader (she is a legal expert for McLaren) having a fight because he underestimate her job. So during a social event, after seeing her smiling and talking with Charles about her work activities, he gets jealous and afraid of losing her.
god anon, thanks for killing me! tomâs-gf has been found dead!!
this also got so long omg iâm sorry
10k celebration
lando felt sick. physically ill, almost like he was going to throw up.
âyou okay, mate?â oscar asked his teammate and friend, worry etching his face. lando was unaware of his paleness, his eyes visibly sad as he looked over towards where you were standing with charles.
he had his arm wrapped around your waist, head leaning down towards your face so he could hear what you were talking to him about. you had a bright smile on your face and he could tell you said something funny with the way his friendâs eyes squeezed shut, both of your giggles almost loud enough to be heard over the noise.
âlando?â
his attention flipped back to the aussie next to him, shaking his head and furrowing his eyebrows as he desperately tried to fight off the nauseating thoughts of you and his friend that snuck into his head. anxiety was a fucking bitch.
âyeah, iâm good. why?â
âyou look pale,â oscar stated, âand you keep looking at y/n and charles with this weird look in your eyes, almost like youâre sad.â
lando shook his head, swallowing the sip of his drink, ânah, iâm good, mate,â
oscar quirked an eyebrow, âdid something happen between the two of you?â
lando immediately was transported back to the hotel mentally, where a little over an hour ago the two of you had it out. he was frustrated, and he took it out on you, which he shouldnât have done. and one thing led to anotherâŠ
âseriously, lando, i donât fucking tell you how to drive the car! whyâre you trying to tell me how to do my job?!â
âiâm just saying that maybe you should try getting behind the wheel of a literal rocket before you complain about your job to me.â
he didnât mean to sound like he was underestimating you or your job, he knew you worked hard for the company. he knew how many late nights you had pulled at the office to get extra work done and to stay ahead of things. he wasnât entirely sure why he said what he said, but now he was really wishing time travel was real so he could go back and undo it.
landoâs silence was an answer, âmate, just go talk to her. iâm sure sheâs over it by now, whatever it is. you know her, she doesnât stay angry for long.â
oscar was right. you got over things quickly, only really needing twenty minutes before you moved onto the next thing. but right now, the anxiety was eating at him as he watched charles lean in closer to you for a photo. he just had this overwhelming feeling that you hated him and that this was it. it was the end of the road for the two of you.
oscar grabbed the glass from his teammate before shoving him forward, âmy god, go!â
lando compiled, shoving his hands in his pockets as he concentrated on not letting his legs give out as he walked towards you two. your eyes landed on the worried looking brit, your eyebrows furrowing. your confused look caused charles to turn around.
âhey, mate,â charles said, âyouâve gotta hear about this story y/n just told me-â
âactually,â lando cleared his throat, âi was wondering if i could borrow her. iâve got to talk to her,â
he sucked in a nervous breath as you responded, âyeah,â you grabbed your purse off of the bar behind you, looking over at the man next to you, âiâll be right back.â
you led lando through the groups of people, the fresh air filling landoâs lungs as he desperately tried to feel better. you stood in front of him, searching his eyes.
âyou look pale,â you frowned, placing the back of your hand on his forehead, âyou feeling okay?â
his heart was going a mile a minute, his hand grabbing yours. your eyes met his in silent question, âiâm sorry.â
your expression softened, âlando-â
âno,â he said softly, âiâm sorry. i know how hard you work, and i had no right to yell at you or tell you that your job isnât hard. i could never do the things that you do. youâre absolutely incredible and iâm sorry,â
you let him ramble on, waiting for the right time to speak, âyou never complain and it was dick move for me to yell, just pleaseâŠâ
he felt like he couldnât breathe. you frowned, knowing what was going through his mind all too well. a small tear dropped from his eyelashes and your heart shattered in your chest, âlando,â
he licked his lips, teeth sinking into his bottom lip to keep it from quivering. his shoulders shook and you reached out to him as he let out a quiet sob. you wiped the tears away from his cheeks before wrapping your arms around his neck. he breathed in the smell of your shampoo, immediately clinging to you as he buried his head into your hair.
you rubbed his back, âitâs okay. i promise, itâs okay,â
he sniffled softly, âyouâre just the best thing to ever happen to me, and i donât want to lose you over a stupid argument. iâm sorry. so so sorry,â
you pulled away, meeting his glossy eyes and giving him a soft smile as you wiped away the fallen tears, âitâs gonna take a lot more than a silly argument to push me away.â
he let out a soft chuckle and you smiled, âthereâs that smile.â
he rolled his eyes playfully, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand, mumbling a soft, âshut up,â
you reached up and planted a kiss on his lips. his mumbling against yours when he pulled away to breathe, âi love you.â
âi love you more, handsome.â
#lando norris#lando norris x reader#lando norris x y/n#lando norris x reader fluff#lando norris x reader imagine#lando norris blurb#lando norris x you#lando norris fic#lando norris imagine#fluff#blurb#formula 1#formula one#f1#ln4#ln4 x reader#ln4 imagine#đŸ; jordanâs 10k celebration
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