#from me to u with endless love
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divorce era for today's warm up :)c
#arcane#jayce talis#viktor#jayvik#ever makes art#jayce ignoring viktor's express wish to destroy the core to save his life was the second i knew it was gonna be so real for me personally#when the devotee's act of veneration deifies and destroys the object of worship#when u help create a god and your god in turn bestows on you his cursed blessing#a recursive impulse an endless loop selfish acts from selfless love. deity and devotee locked together in annihilation and salvation. YEEEE
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former heroes who quit too late
#caption is from the kids arent alright by fall out boy#incredibly cherik coded song in my opinion#my art#art#fanart#x-men#erik lehnsherr#magneto#charles xavier#cherik#I FUCKIGN HATE DRAWING BALD OLD MAN CHARLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#eriks fine though i love u old man erik#old man cherik deserve more content..................................#where r the old man yaoi enthusiasts........ come home...................#thank u again to fall out boy for giving me endless inspiration for art
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so did you guys know theres this character called tristan vik disventure camp and
#disventure camp#disventure camp fanart#tristan vik#disventure camp tristan#ghostofsnails#my art#It would be SO tedious to post all of these separately but to be honest ive been dead for so long that i think its just funnier like this#like. yeah. just in case you guys have been wondering what i've been up to.#I have like 2 more i think but i'll give them their own post so i can explain them#ive never hyperfixated on a character like this in my entire life. usually a character hyperfix is super intense and lasts like 2ish weeks.#GUYS ITS BEEN 2+ MONTHS. AND I STILL CANT THINK ABOUT ANYTHING EXCEPT FOR CARTOON GOTH NONBINARY SILLY PERSON#actually fuck you can i write an essay in tags about why i love them. this is tumblr. and whose even gonna read this anyways. fukit we ball#i followed dc kinda casually as a guilty pleasure for a while but i was instantly drawn to tristan when the designs for the s4 cast dropped#i was like You're telling me there's a GOTH who is UPBEAT and isnt designed like a flawless elf TWINK and is NONBINARY? ME FR????#LIKE OHH THE GOTH NB GETS TO LOOK A LITTLE WEIRD. THEY GET TO BE UNCONVENTIONAL. my aesthetic attraction to them goes crazy. vampire style.#i remember when they got revealed people redesigned them to look more generically pretty & it PAINED ME bc it missed the point SO. BADLY.#ik some people find them boring also & even tho i disagree i can see it if u dont rlly care abt alt stuff. but for me the fact theyre so#kind & upbeat & extroverted WHILE being a SUBCULTURAL GOTH is the draw bc while i do get a kick out of the exaggerated depressed goth#stereotype - its not exactly true to life and so seeing a character that looks and acts like me and real goths makes feel so seen and happy#they also capture my desire to have goth friends SO BADLY im projecting on them SO HARD. They are such top tier friend material you guys...#AND THEYRE A FASHION DESIGNER WHICH FEELS SO IN THEME WITH BEING GOTH THAT IT MAKES ME SO JOYOUS AND CRAZY.#its all so funny because im 100x more excited about getting good goth rep than nonbinary rep LMFAOOO but them being nb is SO important too#Not to mention their voice actor is FANTASTIC and elevates them SOOO MUCH. Also the amount the va is obsessed with them fed my obsession -#sooo insanely you guys.... i feed off of other peoples emotional attachments. AND THEIR ACTING FOR TRIS ADDS SO MUCH DEPTH TO THEIR#CHARACTER IF YOU LOOK FOR IT. I COULD LITERALLY WRITE ESSAYS ABOUT TRISTAN YOU GUYS. IM NOT INSANE.#god you guys this is the first time ive ever had a genuine “i feel seen” feeling from a fictional character I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE NOW.#i LOVE NONBINARY PEOPLE EXPRESSING THEMSELVES. I LOVE HOW QUEERNESS AND GOTH CULTURE INTERSECTS AND HOW THATS REPRESENTED IN TRISTAN#THEY MEAN SO MUCH TO ME. AND I KNOW THEY MEAN SO MUCH TO SO MANY OTHER PEOPLE. WHICH JUST MAKES THEM MEAN EVEN MORE TO ME. I LOVE LIFE.#its an endless feedback loop i fear. im trapped in it & loving every second. i will be drawing them until i am in my grave & maybe after.
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Where should you be kissed?
Knuckles. it feels as though you have fought every day of your life. sometimes, you cannot even tell how much of the blood on your hands is your own... and how much comes from those who've tried to hurt those you defend. you deserve the gentleness of a kiss to your bruised knuckles and broken skin, a reminder that you are not only made of violence.
[stolen from templeofvengeance; tagging you]
#ooc#dash game#[putting my haterism aside for one (1) minute to say this: I understand where Miguel's actions and vitriol come from. He's right in mental#rock bottom‚ to him‚ Miles is anomaly 001‚ a stressor that refuses to follow his assigned worldview-- if not all of 1610 somehow still#existing after Miles *supposedly* fucked it up‚ at his wit's end running the Society‚ endlessly reliving his grief/never letting it heal‚#and once he actually MEETS him‚ he probably reminds him too much of himself: stubborn‚ over his head but refusing to back down‚#an endless desire to DO GOOD but not knowing how or what to do. And that scares him. Because if he‚ the anomaly‚ the first cosmic flaw‚#WINS‚ is right‚ it'll upend his entire worldview. Everything he's fought for‚ ruthlessly enforced‚ staked the Society as a whole in.#This isn't me being an apologist btw; I'd love nothing more than to throttle his ass. But... but but but.#Somewhere in that endless lattice of biting‚ ready temper and dourness and utter dogmatism to the point he refuses to CONSIDER other views#is an extremely grief-stricken‚ lonely‚ stressed to hell and back man with enough emotional baggage to fill a cargo hull. Who THINKS he's#doing good‚ WANTS to do good on a large scale‚ no matter the cost‚ the burden‚ the filth he has to endlessly wash his hands of.#And that's what makes him the topic of some weird fucked up obsession of mine in spite of my simultaneous HATRED of him]#[hey here's a drink if u read this far🍻]
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"It takes guts to grow up like you did-- thousands of years simmering beneath every kind of oppression man could think of."
"With the sky kissing the crown of my head, knighting me with space to roam and the bravery to explore it [...] Big, open fields of barley and rivers like slivers of silver, marbling my veins."
"And yet you prefer...?" "After all that life?" a breath, a laugh, caught between teeth. "Something cultivated by your own will-- the work, the dread, the sought resolution-- it is far grander than the possibility, the dream of it."
art by @fooltofancy (just. fantastic. look at them. !!!!)
#OUROBOROS#ouroboros-if#interactive fiction#yor/yana#go commission vin if you want to like literally sob. The lines! THE LIIIINES!!!!#I'm so happy I could snag these bdfhksjdbf AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#never in my life did I think anyone could do Y justice in how I see them in my head. and here's vin absolutely slam dunking every line#I was very. emotional. when I got the art-- I've just been served with some dental problems and whatever the fuck else. been in a fugue sta#e when working on ouro (so much is getting done but endless tasks to do!) and this just. perked me up. (sobs) i love them so much. so.somuc#You haven't seen much of Y in the public demo but they have so many things !!! going on!! and I can't wait to share it and hear from you#often I wonder what peoples theories are on Y. I've heard the rumors#the pondering on a particular theory. and it gets me all giddy-- not bc it is wrong#but because it isn't always entirely right. sdlkfjhslkdjfhsd I love being cryptic LMAO bye. love u
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in the face of animal crossing pocket camp closing, can i just say. i don’t understand why new horizons was like that. after acpc the next animal crossing game should have been amazing and yet,
acnh feels very stale very quickly imo. it has the bones of an animal crossing game (unlocking shops, filling the museum, etc) but the villagers are sooo samey, and it feels like there’s fewer interactions and games between them than there was in acnl. (and i know this isn't a new criticism but it feels unfinished. harv's island co-op in the final update feels like a weak alternative to letting lief, kicks, katrina, etc. have physical stores on your island.) but i do love having the ability to build and customize your own furniture, to an extent. the new furniture designs are great and i especially love that villagers have more versatile clothes options. sheep can wear shirts!! everyone can wear hats!!
but also, acpc has WAY more furniture and clothing options than acnh. and i love the way the villagers work there: they have a set personality and a set style. and you can help them give gifts to other villagers or give them fashion tips, and your relationship improves more (im pretty sure ?) if you pick the option that’s The Right Style. it makes it feel like you're actually getting to know them, and it gives a little bit more variation because a cranky jock FEELS markedly different than a cranky cool guy
#animal crossing#mine#this has been in my drafts for like a year but it feels like a good time to pull it out#my ideal animal crossing game is. probably unrealistic i know.#i want the urban development opportunities from acnl because i LOVED being able to build up main street#combined with the landscaping versatility from acnh#acpc villager system. and also more town activities and games. LIKE HIDE AND SEEK THAT WAS MY FAVE#i also want to work at brewsters again and figure out everyone’s coffy orders :) acnh brewsters feels pointless if u dont have amiibos :(#in acnh people are always walking into my house uninvited but never invite me over to theirs!!!!#and frankly. kappn’s tours lose their appeal if you’re just going to an endless parade of randomized blank slates#i rly only use it to get the extra DIY recipes and it just feels like a waste of miles
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ngl i want lxl to double down on the whole “we’re lovers” thing that they have going on in meoto and continue acting as lovers in their future songs. they’ve given their fans enough love, now it’s time for them to love each other on main!!! and hey, maybe they’ll finally be canon—
#i want them to act as lovers in a whole variety of settings though~~~~~~#i’d love to see them pay homage to yujiro’s kabuki background and portray the story of a kabuki play in a song maybe~?#the possibilities are endless with these two bc they’re stupid dense lol#you could ask them to act as lovers and they’ll still walk away from the experience without realising their feelings for each other#though on the topic of songs im sure either white day kiss or last stage (or both) are the most likely songs to get mvs for the next 2 weeks#b u t i really reallyyyyyy want it to be meoto lmao#though ig at this point motto ichigo au lait is more likely to get an mv first than meoto (solely based off the songs’ ages)#i hope we get a new mona mv soon though~~~~~~~~~~~~~#im sorry it’s almost 5 in the am im running on low sleep and residual fumes of rage and thus my thoughts are a messsss#染BODY ONCE TOLD ME—
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parental relationship moment💀
#gonna drop random thoughts in the hashtags#moretti who takes every carlo's fuck up personally#“u spin me all around and then you ask me not to spin” late carlo&moretti to me. funny thing that this is also late eddie&carlo to me#i believe that carlo learned many of the ways of pressure and manipulation from moretti#anyway every moretti's accusation breaks carlo's heart+pride so his gratitude and loyalty is replaced by hatred n anger in the end#“all this anger was once love” “the word father rotted in my mouth” what if i start screaming. what then#“i guess im just a terrible mother” lisa to eddie & not in manipulative or victim way but the most sincere n regretful way imaginable#eddie who still feels endless guilt before her. but things couldn't be different (it is what it is fr)#happy fucking house#i wanted to write more but my head is empty rn😞#carlo falcone#tomaso moretti#eddie scarpa#lisa rubini#mafia 2#avart#falcone family
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i played the remastered alan wake a while back and am replaying the original on steam, and, honestly, they’re so similar, I couldn’t tell which is which if you held up comparisons. ive come across reviews about the game looking outdated and bad (mostly compared to other releases in that time), but the original looks great and I like the hazy dark lighting for both this and awan
#might delete#I can’t wait to run into all the product placements#like yeah I know it’s not. top graphics of that year. but I’ve stopped and looked at the environment So many times. it’s pretty!#this is because im biased but I *loved* AWANs choice of scenery. although I wish it was as detailed and expansive as the original games#all of remedy’s games do pretty great in terms of the environment. ignore controls terrible map and the Oldest House is an incredible space#to navigate just by following signs and all the little details. the atmosphere!#don’t even need to explain how aw2 is good with that#but even Max Payne 1 has this beautiful eerie quality where everything is this fever dream of grungy or old environments#even before the literal nightmare sequence it felt like navigating a dream of this Not New York City. like of course it’s likely born from#the limitations the developers had when making it. but the emptiness and placement of npcs added to the experience#QB so far is my least favorite in its style and environment but it’s still had some good moments. the use of flashbacks + time overlapping#onto abandoned and destroyed environments was genius. the college campus itself and the train(?) cargo(?) area was neat to go through#there’s some really good stuff there! *im also. not done with QB so im still hoping things get more wild!!#im honestly more forgiving of QB as a whole and find it interesting since it went through a lot of hell in its development#this might seem negative but it’s not! it’s a shockingly beautiful game. graphics exceed expectations#the style and some locations is where it’s more boring for me. but still good. im so tempted to buy it on steam to finally finish it#endless apologies if u opened this and ur entire page opened up an essays worth of tags
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[The Final sugi dying kitten betrayal -> utsuro-gin fight -> sakura boat imagination -> completely tonally consistent with these ginpachi-sensei closer]
now listen. u know i would rather die than post five nearly-uninterrupted minutes of a fight scene. so take that into consideration.
#slight--#flashing#--in the first scene but i tried to cut the worst of it#sopping wet gintoki posting#videos#my computer is screaming at me. can i recall my thoughts.#i think theyre INSANE for that utsuro falling -> takasugi bound on the ground watching shouyou's execution transition.#rereading the manga fight scene. there IS some. how do i want to phrase this. unreliable perspective fuckery. retconning of memories.#nonliterality Mind Tricks. but like. things still happened. this movie here takes it so far that im like. IS GINTOKI EVEN REAL?#is this just the gintoki that lives in takasugi's dying brain and utsuro's dying brain that utsuro got from shouyou's humanity brain fungus#being his shinigami/psychopomp to walk him thru his first ever death. guhhhhhhh. littlest baby on the planet who is afraid of dying.#<- i love utsuro with all my heart. sorry for being mean to him at first turns out he's the char of all time meant for me.#anyways i think the movie is. SO BALLSY to stretch reality so far for their climax fight. and in such a. way.#taking place in complete silence. almost no actual fighting in the 200 Chapters Of Fighting arc fight scene conclusion.#reanimating so many key moments just to canonize the identity blurring triangle between three dead guys (tho gintoki gets kicked out of#the world of the dead on that sakura boat. sad.)#just a really ambitious thing to put in this aesthetically ugly and boringly standard as hell movie. AND TO SERVE WHAT END.#more standard as hell jump Power Of Friendship in the end. just with some extra weird cannibal ouroboros endless mirrors gay ass flavor.#<- gintama has always been abt making and surviving connections im not mad abt that but u know. got so generic lol.#thoooooo rereading the manga scene and understanding the plot more this time i do like the feeling that utsuro wasnt defeated so much as#just ran out his time. being kept busy from causing more problems in his final hours w a pointless fight hed never be able to turn down.#[about to digress 20 more times] anyways what else. theres an utsuro soft expression when he regrows sugi's arm that i like. interesting--#choice. i also cut it but i love gintoki wandering gaze avoiding sugis eyes dying in his arms. and his fighting back tears so badly.#the way the dynamic and emotionally destroying shot transitions dont stop even while sugi's dying. someone on staff was working their ass#off for him and i appreciate that.
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─ romantic gestures. bold what applies to your muse , italicize if there's potential / it depends.
holding hands · buying flowers · cooking · cuddles · writing a poem / song · holding door open · tying shoe laces · sharing a milkshake with two straws · offering their jacket when it's cold · kissing in the rain · publicly confessing love · long walks at the beach · doing the titanic pose on a boat · taking cute pictures in a photo booth · sharing a taxi / uber · kissing the back of their hand · slow dancing · getting tickets of their favorite artist / sports team / other · introducing them to your parents · lighting candles · flower petals on bed · love letters · star gazing · brushing / doing their hair · picnics · teaching them to play an instrument / sport while gently guiding their hands · compliments · late night drives · taking selfies together · drawing them · self-made gifts · massages · proposing with a family heirloom ring · lending them your favorite book to read · paying for dinner / coffee · mixtapes / playlists · surprise birthday parties · feeding them · handing them keys to your apartment · making space in drawer for their clothes when they stay over · sharing a blanket · couple costumes · tucking a hair strand behind their ear · running after them at the airport / keeping them from leaving · moving cities to be together · blowing a kiss · breakfast in bed · defending them in a fight (verbally / physically) · joint bubble baths · dropping the L-bomb ("i love you") · dedicating a song at the karaoke bar to them · wearing their clothes · yawning before putting an arm around them while watching a movie · granting them the last bite (from meal)
tagged by: stolen from @infog <3 I legally HAD to tagging: @tenebriism @braveryhearted @autonomousxselves @fantomevoleur @musesofthesun @pluviacuratio @tendercoded / @manebloom / @lncanting @cozyfarms @deiscension @shadowedresolve @sakuaxe @lovlorne @leuvspell @adoranoia and you!!!! ( multi's, decide as you please! )
#toshiro kasukabe i love you so so so so so bad i WISH i had ships w u u mean the world to me#HE DRIVES ME INSANEEEEEEEEE im obsessed with him. toshiro struggles alot w expressing attraction in public bc of the conditions that he-#-was raised under where he had endless amounts of pressure put on him to conform to a standard and stay in the shadow of his father from a-#-very young age which means even postgame he struggles to get himself to do these things esp when they wouldnt be socially ok to do unless-#-you were dating the person u were doing it with but still caring abt his partner SOSOSOSOSSO much it's agonizing and how he'd fight with-#-himself to genuinely and directly express his feelings and not be controlled by fear postgame and how even pregame he'd still try to-#-figure something out to express it even in the minutest sense and how much his experiences form and embolden and disquiet him and GODDD#the way he'd consider a love letter to be albeit cheesy the most romantic thing he could do for a person bc it communicates his feelings-#-for them so directly and in a written form which he is so trained to think of in the danger it could bring bc its Physical ANYONE can-#-read it but still choosing to Write It Down like a kind of permanence and the way part of that is bc of him getting a secret admirer's-#-love letter when he was young and getting so so infatuated with the concept and finding that writing things down to be such a good way-#-to figure out his thoughts n feelings even if he always burned them after and how he'd want to do that for his partner/romantic interest-#-and how he finds to articulate his feeling through action and Giving rather than verbally when the articulate struggles so he instead-#-says it in the way he helps sb he loves learn an instrument or a skill n guides them and helps them and the way he'd guide the fingers#TOSHIROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO KASUKABEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE u need a partner SO BAD i love u sm#MUSE / Toshiro Kasukabe#STUDY / Toshiro Kasukabe#GAMES / Toshiro Kasukabe#SHIPPING / Toshiro Kasukabe#━ ♔ on such longing i couldn’t spit out : shipping.#━ ♔ shielding your eyes from the bright noon-light : studies.#p5 //#p5t //#food ment //#━ ♔ the world grows green again when you smile : games.
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until capcom proves me otherwise, this is my interpretation of leon throughout the entire film
#dont get me wrong okay i loved the movie#and i could watch these guys get up to hijinx and shenanigans for another 10 films#BUT it being marketed as a sequel to vendetta really had me believing they would follow up on Leon's state of mind in that film#and what is clearly a massive struggle with alcoholism and depression#especially considering he seemed to be fine in this film from what we saw in trailers#so at least some sort of reference or indication as to how he seemed to be doing so much better all of a sudden#but there was none of that#other than Dylan's offhand comment in his speech about Leon being 'all burnt out' from the endless missions he's being dragged into#so i am now choosing to believe he is simply not okay#and that maybe he's managed to get a handle on the drinking but this man is still deep in the throes of major passive depression#and that's that on that !#@ me about it capcom u cowards#resident evil#resident evil death island#re death island#re#death island spoilers#leon kennedy
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:^(
#feelin like a big lonely loser tonight teehe ^__^#thought maybe i had plans but then not n everyone else i asked didnt answer or had plans w other ppl too#n i had suggested a plans with stef but she never rlly confirmed or denied but i figured not plus im kinda sick now too but#also called her just to be like hi n i miss u bc idk im SICK n i hate being sick n the way she sounded was weird AaagghGGHHHHH#n im just now realizing maybe she also ended up doing plans w other ppl#just feels like nobody likes me i GUESS which is dramatic but . aagggghhghgh#to be fair a bit of a 180 from i love u so much lemme say it 50 times last night to i call her n say ilu n shes like uhh ok haha#anD I FEEL LIKE EVERYONES GIVING ME RLLY SHORT ANSWERS N LIKE#but i dont know if i have the energy to give a lot of. energy. ?? to expect it back? but its like#an endless cycle of feel bad so less energy or want to bug less so then deserve less in return anyway so feel worse#its kinda feeling like isolation time which i havent done in a hot minute but i tried so hard to get out of it but like . for what yknow#i got to talk to some ppl some more n meet some ppl but at the end of the day i still feel alone n alien teehee#but maybe im just bejng dramatic bc sick. and rsd with the Tones and ppl having Plans With Others#like its perfectly reasonable to have forgotten or just idk had better options or maybe bc i didnt say anything sooner buT . IDK. 😔🥺#im sick n i hate being sick n i want someone to take care of me ugh#instead i just kinda sat here. played some OW. got mad at OW. ordered pizza to engage in basically food self harm LOL n watched some#of a show ive been meanjng to watch. jts neat so far. but yeah now i just feel like shit i guess#idk how to like. not be insane. or like. ask ppl for like. idk. reassurance or smthn or. share feelings. without feeling like i am.... bad#for doing so or itll end poorly or its excess or burdensome or unreasonable. bc it kkinda is unreasonable but idk not entirely ig yknow#and i really need to shower but i especially dont want to now that i ate food bc id rather die than look at myself naked but yea#YEAH. IDK. i feel. like shit. and garbage. and i can almost see this as being the turning point to me sabotaging my ownnpotential future#whatever ive been slowly building that i just. end up giving up now.#god i wanna call stef or pidge or someone n... ig not even talk abt this bc i dont wanna be a bother but. just hear ppl. u_u#feel like i am wanted in the world slepflsjhggbjwjr#It's My Blog I'll Use It As A Diary / Thought Organizing Thing If I Want To !!!!
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i suppose i was naive to believe that one good day meant that everything would all of a sudden be sunshine and happiness again
#all my long time comfort shows r over/on hiatus so i don’t even have them to distract me from the Horrors™️ anymore :/#sorry 4 complaining all the time btw. love u guys v much & thanks for sticking w me and my endless rants and headaches 🫠#personal#rae.txt
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IM LOSING MY MIND ITS TO LATE AT NIGHT TFOR THIS
#YOU I WAS JUST ABOUT TO SLEEP#(i have bad sleeping habits...in my defense my clothes are still in the dryer even tho its *checks time* 130)#STRANGE KLUG STRANGE KLUG STRAN-#ANYWAY CAT STRANGE KLUG??? KITTY CAT IN QUEST???!?!?!?!??!?!#NEKOMIMI SER STRANGE THEMSELF?!?!?!#WHEN I LAY MY HEAD AND HAVE POWERED OFF MY TOOLS????#I MUST SLEEP WITH THESE IMAGMES HAUNTING ME BEFORE BED WITH NO RELEASE UNLIKE#MY LOVE MY LIGHT MY STAR KUROI SIG???#MY PAIN IS IMMEASURABLE MY TORMENT ENDLESS#GRRRR I WANNA DRAAAAAAAAAAWWWWW 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#think i can get him if i plow thru what i think is msq on quest#does it work like arknights where i get 1 PO for 3 staring stages and i can use that to roll#on that note how i get those bunny thingies so i can unlock the last couple tiles for my Black Sig?#I guess i had a bunch from back when i played before while i was in a guild but i spent those all on reg sig and some on strange#because i didnt understand the value of them but Now I Know™#Im rambling to ease the pain(excitement)#I cant wait for Strange to join the nekomimi party!#I'll draw u first thing i get after work i gotchu
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Kingdom of Ash Chapter 53
Chapter Highlights (though kinda more like low cause ow)
Someone had set fire to her thigh. Not Aelin, because Aelin was gone, sealed in an iron sarcophagus and taken across the sea.
"Easy," a deep voice rumbled.
She knew that voice. Knew the scent—like a clear brook and new grass. Aedion. She dragged her eyes, heavy and burning, toward the sound.
His shining hair hung limp, matted with blood. And those turquoise eyes were smudged with purple beneath—and utterly bleak. Empty.
A rough tent stood around them, the sole light provided by a lantern swinging in the bitter wind that crept in through the flaps. She'd been piled high with blankets, though he sat on an overturned bucket, still in his armor, with nothing to warm him.
The last she remembered, she'd been facing those ilken, never so aware of the limitations of a mortal body, of how even Aelin, who seemed so tall as she swaggered through the world, was dwarted by the creatures. Then those claws had ripped into her leg. And she'd managed to make a perfect swing. To take one of them down.
"You rallied our army," he said. "We lost the battle, but they didn't run in shame." Lysandra managed to pull a hand from beneath the blankets, and strained for the jug of water set beside the bed. Aedion was instantly in motion, filling a cup.
"They all know?" A solemn nod.
"What did you tell them—about Aelin?"
"That she has been off on a vital quest with Rowan and the others. And that it is so secret we do not dare speak of it."
"Are the soldiers—"
"Don't worry about it," he repeated. But she could see it in his face. The strain.
They had rallied to their queen, only to realize it had been an illusion. That the might of the Fire-Bringer was not with them. Would not shield them against the army at their heels.
"I'm sorry," she breathed.
Aedion took the empty cup of water before he gripped her hand, squeezing gently. "I am sorry, Lysandra. For all of it." His throat bobbed again. "When I saw the ilken, when I saw you against them…"
Useless. Lying bitch. The words he'd thrown at her, raged at her, dragged her further from the haze of pain. Sharpened her focus.
"You did this," he said, voice lowering, "for Terrasen. For Aelin. You were willing to die for it, gods above."
"I was." Her words came out cold as steel.
Aedion blinked as she withdrew her hand from his. Her leg ached and throbbed, but she managed to sit up. To meet his stare. "I have been degraded and humiliated in so many ways, for so many years," she said, voice shaking. Not from fear, but from the tidal wave that swept up everything inside her, burning alongside the wound in her leg. "But I have never felt as humiliated as I did when you threw me into the snow. When you called me a lying bitch in front of our friends and allies. Never." She hated the angry tears that stung her eyes. "I was once forced to crawl before men. And gods above, I nearly crawled for you these months. And yet it takes me nearly dying for you to realize that you've been an ass? It takes me nearly dying for you to see me as human again?"
He didn't hide the regret in his eyes. She had spent years reading men and knew that every agonized emotion in his face was genuine. But it didn't erase what had been said, and done.
Lysandra put a hand on her chest, right over her own shredded heart. "I wanted it to be you," she said. "After Wesley, after all of it, I wanted it to be you. What Aelin asked me to do had no bearing on that. What she asked me to do never felt like a burden, because I wanted it to be you in the end anyway." She didn't wipe away the tears that slipped down her cheeks. "And you threw me into the snow."
Aedion slid to his knees. Reached for her hand. "I will never stop regretting it. Lysandra, I will never forget a second of it, never stop hating myself for it. And I am so—"
"Don't." She snatched back her hand.
"Don't kneel. Don't bother." She pointed to the tent flaps. "There's nothing I have left to say to you. Or you to me."
Agony again rippled across his face, but she shut out what it did to her. What it did to her to see Aedion rise to his feet, groaning softly at some unspecified ache in his powerful body.
For a few breaths, he just stared down at her.
Then he said, "I meant every promise I made to you on that beach in Skull's Bay."
And then he was gone.
Aedion had spent a good portion of his life hating himself for the various things he'd done.
But seeing the tears on Lysandra's face because of him ... He'd never felt like more of a bastard.
He barely heard the soldiers around him, tense and skittish in the snow that blew between their quickly erected tents. How many more wounded would die tonight?
He'd already pulled rank to get Lysandra care from the best healers they had left. And still it was not good enough, the healers not gifted magically. And despite Lysandra's quicker healing abilities, they'd still had to stitch up her leg. And now changed the bandages every few hours. The wound had sealed, mercifully, likely fast enough to avoid infection. Many of the injured amongst them could not say the same.
Aedion aimed for his own tent, set just outside the healers' ring of tents where Lysandra lay. Giving her a private tent had been another privilege he'd used his rank to acquire.
He'd almost reached the small tent —no use in building his full war tent when they'd be running again in a few hours-when he spotted the figures huddled by the fire outside. He slowed his steps to a stalking gait.
Ren rose to his feet, his face tight beneath his heavy hood. Yet it was the man beside Ren who made Aedion's temper hone itself into a dangerous thing.
"Darrow," he said. "I would have thought you'd be in Orynth by now."
The lord bundled in furs did not smile. "I came to deliver the message myself. Since my most trusted courier seems inclined to select another allegiance."
The old bastard knew, then. About Lysandra's masquerading as Aelin. And Nox Owen's role in moving their army out of his grasp.
"Let's get it over with, then," Aedion said Ren tensed, but said nothing.
Darrow's thin lips curved in a cruel smile.
"For your acts of reckless rebellion, for your failure to heed our command and take your troops where they were ordered, for your utter defeat at the border and the loss of Perranth, you are stripped of your rank."
Aedion barely heard the words.
"Consider yourself now a soldier in the Bane, if they'll have you. And as for the imposter you've paraded around..." A sneer toward the healers' tents.
Aedion snarled.
Darrow's eyes narrowed. "If she is again caught pretending to be Princess Aelin" —Aedion almost ripped out his throat at that word, Princess— "then we will have little choice but to sign her execution order."
"I'd like to see you try."
"I'd like to see you stop us."
Aedion smirked. "Oh, it's not me who you'd be dealing with. Good luck to any man who tries to harm a shifter that powerful."
Darrow ignored the promise and held out a hand. "The Sword of Orynth, if you will."
Ren started. "You're out of your mind, Darrow."
Aedion just stared. The ancient lord said, "That sword belongs to a true general of Terrasen, to its prince-commander. As you are no longer the bearer of that title, the sword shall return to Orynth. Until a new, appropriate bearer can be determined."
Ren growled, "That sword is in our possession, Darrow, because of Aedion. Had he not won it back, it would still be rusting in Adarlan's trove."
"He will always have our gratitude for it. If only in that regard, at least."
A dull roar filled Aedion's head. Darrow's hand remained extended.
He deserved this, he supposed. For his failure on these battlefields, his failure to defend the land he'd promised Aelin he'd save. For what he'd done to the shifter who had held his heart from the moment she'd shredded into those Valg soldiers in the sewers of Rifthold.
Aedion unbuckled the ancient sword from his belt. Ren let out a sound of protest. But he ignored the lord and tossed the Sword of Orynth to Darrow.
The lightness where that sword had been threw off his balance.
The old man stared at the sword in his hands. Even went so far as to run a finger over the bone pommel, the hateful bastard unable to contain his awe.
Aedion just said, "The Sword of Orynth is only a piece of metal and bone. It always has been. It's what the sword inspires in the bearer that matters. The true heart of Terrasen."
"Poetic of you, Aedion," was Darrow's reply before he turned on his heel, aiming for wherever his escort waited beyond the camp's edge. "Your commander, Kyllian, is now general of the Bane. Report to him for orders." The swirling snows devoured the old lord within a few steps.
Ren snarled, "Like hell you aren't general."
"The Lords of Terrasen decree it, and so it shall be."
"Why aren't you fighting this?" Ren's eyes blazed. "You just handed over that sword—"
"I don't give a shit." Aedion didn't bother to keep his exhaustion, his disappointment and anger, from his voice. "Let him have the sword, and the army. I don't give a shit."
Ren didn't stop him as Aedion ducked into his tent and didn't emerge until dawn.
The Lords of Terrasen had stripped General Ashryver of his sword.
The word spread from campfire to campfire, rippling through the ranks.
The soldier was new to the Bane, had been accepted into their ranks only this summer. An honor, even with war upon them. An honor, though the soldier's family had wept to see him depart.
To fight for Prince Aedion, to fight for Terrasen—it had been worth it, the weight of leaving his farmstead home behind. Leaving behind that sweet-faced farmer's daughter whom he'd never gotten the chance to so much as kiss.
It had been worth it then. But not now.
The friends he'd made in the months of training and fighting were dead.
Huddled around the too-small campfire, the soldier was the last of them, the fresh-faced recruits who'd been so eager to test themselves against the Valg at the start of summer.
In the dead heart of winter, he now called himself a fool. If he bothered to speak at all Words had become unnecessary, foreign. As foreign as his half-frozen body, which never warmed, though he slept as close to the fire as he dared. If sleep found him, with the screaming of the wounded and dying. The knowledge of what hunted them northward.
There was no one left to help them. Save them. The queen they'd thought amongst them had been a lie. A shape-shifter's deception.
Where Aelin Galathynius now fought, what she had deemed more important than them, he didn't know.
The frigid night pressed in, threatening to devour the small fire before him. The soldier inched closer to the flame, shuddering beneath his worn cloak, every ache and scrape from the day throbbing.
He wouldn't abandon this army, though.
Not as some of the others were murmuring.
Even with Prince Aedion stripped of his title, even with their queen gone, he wouldn't abandon this army.
He had sworn an oath to protect Terrasen.
To protect his family. He'd hold to it.
Even if he now knew he'd never see them again.
#Chapter 53#Kingdom of Ash#Sarah J. Maas#Lysandra Ennar#Aedion Ashryver#no spoilers please#first read#read with me#read along#First Read along with me NO SPOILERS PLEASE though warning for post & tags up to KoA 53 & more reacts/notes/quotes in tags below#every time that they think it’s Aelin and it isn’t I die a little inside#from the wave-in front of our family-I crawled for you-thank you Lys for taking no shit-ow Sarah Lysaedion is breaking my heart so many way#it didn’t erase-I wanted it to be you-and you threw me to the snow and wolves as skin and bones again-no words left to fix this-on his knee#I meant every word-on the beach-I’d marry you-Darrow calls her princess not Queen no majesty#stop it with this deserve it monologue-he kept the shield-the Hope of/for Aelin-from the moment in Rifthold he knew#Kylian-I wanted their love and friendship story-a bane prequel#The mark had always done it before and now she still didn’t shift-Effective timing-all these storms#No her power-never-thank you Ren-Darrow are you possessed-U know its bad when they break out a new perspective-to the walls of Orynth#Wings fluttered through the wind and snow and then a falcon was shooting skyward one leg awkwardly straight beneath it.#To risk the bridge to the south or the time it'd take to go to the long route northward. — You're the general.#All the way to that river-endless-no bridge-Keep riding.#LysAedion
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