#for that you have to actually eat poisonous stuff and its only your feathers you dunce

[basslinegrave]

found more old promarkers art (2017?) of my long forgotten zhen guy (i dont even remember his name and i drew him like twice 💔 had a full lore about him at some point)

i hate how clashing the colors are but i like the bg

i did some quick color edits on my phone cuz the og drawing has terrible contrast imo its just all merging together vvv

i think its unsalvageable like this i would still add more shadow and better balance like either make the top bg even darker or the ground much darker and separate the whites

[indiavolowetrust]

THE OBEY ME BOYS AS CRYPTIDS

READ THE OBEY ME UNDATEABLES AS CRYPTIDS HERE.

LUCIFER

It has stood there for so very long. Strutted about a bit, sat down to rest, and strutted about some more when other children passed by. It is at an exhibit at the zoo, after all, but you can’t help but think it looks a bit strange. Are peacocks supposed to have pitch-black feathers with thousands of eyes on it? Are peacocks supposed to have a massive crimson eye in the middle of their forehead? Is it even a peacock? You can’t remember if this exhibit was for peacocks. Where are the other people at the zoo?

You read the sign. BENGAL TIGER, it says.

It blinks at you. Its thousand other eyes blink afterwards in unison. As weird as it sounds, you’re pretty sure it’s waiting for you to compliment it.

MAMMON

You think it likes you. Or, at least, it seems to think of you as a friend in some way. The white crow leaves you little gifts everyday on your way home from school. Bits of shiny twine, bottle caps, the occasional soda tab or two. And then you begin to show it more and more attention, even naming it something silly like “Money”, and the thing responds in something like affection. The gifts become more extravagant: a broken necklace made from silver, a single earring, a gold bracelet encrusted with dark red, and an old ring inset with precious stones, to name a few. A pair of expensive-looking cuff links, a whole pair of earrings this time, and a circlet.

And then there is what looks like a golden tooth.

Your mother tells you over breakfast to watch out for suspicious people. There’s been a lot of grave robbing, you see. They’ve been stealing jewelry from the dead.

You drop your spoon into the cereal.

LEVIATHAN

It may be a snake -- a really big one, actually -- but you get the impression that it isn’t really dangerous. I mean, it’s not poisonous, so the worst thing it can do is bite, right? And it doesn’t seem like it would want to do that. It hisses almost playfully when you pet it, wrapping its coils around your arm as if it wants to give you a hug, and a few times you even let it kiss you in the face. You know that snakes don’t really kiss, but what’s the harm in that?

Your crush from third period walks you home one day, holding your hand, and even gives you a kiss on the cheek when he leaves you at your doorstep. Tells you that he’ll see you tomorrow. You don’t see the snake for a while.

His body is found strangled to death a couple weeks later, his arms and legs covered in bite marks from some massive animal. The snake comes up to you the next morning, affectionate as ever. You decide not to do stuff like that anymore.

SATAN

He’s a stray dog. You’d have to be a monster not to give him scraps. So you do, and the dog asks for more. You give him more. For the next few weeks – months, even – it becomes your routine: you sit at the secluded spot in the school courtyard, the giant hound with green eyes saunters up to you, and you share its lunch with it. It naps in the shade while you do your homework after school, seeing how your older brother doesn’t always show up in time to walk you home after your after-school club.

The bully from your fourth period class throws you into the trashcan one day, laughing and taunting you. Her friends join her, and soon you are being surrounded and kicked and stomped on the pavement. But you don’t cry out. You won’t give her the satisfaction.

A blow to your head, and all is dark.

You wake up sometime later. The sunset is beautiful. The area around you is warm – so, so warm – and strangely wet. The dog licks your face and wounds again and again, and you try not to giggle at the sensation. He’s a good boy.

Aside from the carnage that now surrounds you, he is such a good boy. You’ll bring him barbecued meat next time.

ASMODEUS

You gotta admit, it’s a pretty cute scorpion. You’re not really sure why it’s pink or why it’s following you, but at least it hasn’t shown any defensive or aggressive instincts. So it can’t be that aggressive. You let it be as you take the long hike back to your camp site. Your fellow co-workers in the field wouldn’t even believe you, anyway. The damned thing is probably spray-painted or something like that. Some weird kid’s prank.

Strangely enough, however, you notice it scuttling around at camp. Your co-workers seem to be getting stung by a great many insects while in the field, but they don’t seem to mind it. Or even bother treating it, for some reason. Then there’s that weird behavior – no, you’re thinking into it too much. Comparing a bright pink scorpion to a succubus is a little too crazy, even for you.

And then a strange man with pink eyes and a tipped tail stands in front of your tent one night, a rather satisfied smile on his face. You’re the only one that hasn’t been stung, he tells you. It’s your turn.

BEELZEBUB

You’re pretty sure insects aren’t supposed to look like that. Or be that big, for that matter. But he’s kinda cute, being fuzzy and orange and all, and only wants a bit of food every now and then. Mama always makes too much, anyway. A half-eaten pork chop that you didn’t want, an entire plate of rice, extra dumplings – everything, you know? Mama can’t have dinner with you because she has the graveyard shift, your dad always stumbles home smelling like alcohol, and as weird as it is, this orange fuzzy thing is your only friend. So you keep feeding him.

You wake up to screaming one night. They’re arguing like they always do, but – but this time there’s something different. Something wrong. Mama lets out a high-pitched scream, and then all is silent.

Despite being only a kid and armed with a single frying pan, you burst into the room. Blood trails from Mama’s mouth and she’s unconscious, but she’s still breathing. Just barely alive. It looks like she got hit in the head pretty hard.

There’s the sound of eating from across the room. You don’t pay attention to it too much. The fuzzy orange thing saved Mama’s life, so that’s all that matters. And at least you won’t have to feed him for a while.

BELPHEGOR

He is quite possibly the laziest ox you’ve ever seen. Sleeps all day, sleeps all night, and refuses to pull even the lightest of carts. Your uncle says he’s nothing more than a nuisance, really, but he’s nice enough. He even naps with you on long summer days, acting as both a pillow and bed, and it looks like he even grows fond of you. He seeks you out in the fields, presses his big nose into your palm, and nuzzles you.

You run through the fields, your heart hammering in your chest, but you’ll be damned if you let the neighbor’s boy catch you. You’ve already seen something that you weren’t supposed to, and he knows. He knows, he knows, he knows. And he’s coming after you.

You hop over the fence. Shouldn’t be too long to the house now. He yells taunts and threats at you as you carve your way through the darkness, nearly running blindly, and then --

He grabs you by the back of your shirt. You scream. You see the glint of a knife, the murderous intent flashing across his eyes, and you know it’s over. You can only hope you die quickly enough.

The next morning, you wake up on something soft. Warm. The lazy ox grumbles beneath you, protesting as you sit upwards in a panic, and then you realize that you are safe. Last night was just a nightmare. It never happened.

And then you happen across the body. There is an indent in the grass around it, as if something massive had just fallen asleep on the body.

[lilixloveswriting]

Slugbug

Welcome to another installment of I suck at titles Kouki gets his ass kicked! Ft. @summer-of-whump No. 8 allergies/force-feeding and No. 9 bugs/animals

Summary: Kouki misses lunch due to a prior appointment with some bullies, but not to worry. They would never let him go hungry.

Word Count: 2k

TW: minor whump (Kouki is a high schooler), physical violence, bullying, swearing, force-feeding, vomit (mention), non-con touching/restraints, sex joke made by a minor (they're teenage boys you know how it is)

BNHA OCs Masterlist

Kouki’s back hit the chain-link fence, irritating the bruise from earlier that day. It had almost disappeared, but if the sudden spike in pain told him anything it was that the force had only made it bigger. He grunted, planting his hands at either side of him on the ground, pushing himself up from the slouching position as Ichioka sauntered up to him.

“Damn, light as a feather!” He smiled, wickedness glinting in his eyes as they stared Kouki down. “I mean, really. Do you eat anything?”

Kouki blinked up at him, nervously glancing back at Ichioka’s lackeys. Yamane, upon meeting eyes with him, curled his lip up, taking a few stalking steps forward. “Eh? What’re ya lookin’ at me for? He asked you a question, pretty boy.”

Kouki’s eyes widened as Yamane continued towards him, and his legs scrambled to back himself up further against the fence. His efforts were wasted, however. If his back were pressed into it any more he would become one with the metal.

“Uh, uh-” He stuttered, tearing his gaze away from Yamane to address Ichioka. “I-I-I do! I-I just have f-fast metabolism! That’s it! It’s just cuz of my quirk!” Kouki squeaked, pulling an arm up to shield his head and squeezed his eyes shut. He peeked them open again when no blow came, the silence loud, lifting his head to see the three hyenas simply looking at him. Not in the eyes, though, Kouki realized Ichioka’s gaze was aimed at his forehead.

“So why hasn’t that cut healed yet?” Ichioka asked the question yet again making Kouki aware of the dull pain in his head that he’d managed to ignore since he had gotten it earlier that day.

Kouki swallowed, bottom lip trembling, and to his foes, it looked like fear, but that wasn’t quite it. “...I need food to get energy. And I didn’t have any time at lunch.” It was almost a sneer. Almost. But almost was better than nothing, Kouki reasoned, proud of himself for having the guts to fire anything back at them.

Ichioka chuckled, shoulders bouncing with the laugh. “Chatty today, are we?” His smile dropped shortly after he spoke and he leaned forward with a glower. “Maybe a broken jaw’ll shut you up?”

He didn’t even give Kouki a chance to register his words before throwing his head to the side with his fist. Kouki yelped, initially too disoriented to process anything, but eventually coming to to realize the pain on his face was too high to have broken his jaw. He whimpered as his fingertips made contact with his cheekbone, but at least they came away clean. It would be hard to hide a split cheek. He was going to run out of band-aids soon.

“Don’t worry, Kirishima. We weren’t gonna let you starve. What kinda friends would we be then?” Ichioka said, and Kouki placed his shaky hands on the concrete to better grasp his bearings before lifting his head. Ichioka had his back turned to him, but not for long as he turned back around, one of those coffee tumbler mugs in hand. “Hope you’re hungry.” Ichioka shook the cup, a rattling noise coming from within as he shot Kouki a poisonous smile. “Taketa brought the biggest one he could find!”

“Wha…” Kouki sat back on his knees, squaring his shoulders to face Ichioka. The latter took another step towards him, and Kouki fell back, raising a hand above his face to give him the illusion of having some sort of defense. “Wh-what...what is it?”

“Aww don’t want him to waste his food on you?” He tossed his head over his shoulders at his friends, “That’s our Kouki, huh? Always so considerate.” They snickered, as did he as he turned his attention back on the cowering boy. “Don’t worry. Taketa has plenty crawling around his walls at home. He won’t miss one or two.”

Kouki’s eyes widened. “Crawling?”

Taketa’s laughing stopped, his face screwing up into an offended scowl. “H-hey! I don’t have roaches!” He shouted, hands clenched into fists at his sides, blushy embarrassment creeping up his head.

Ichioka paused his pursuit, shoulders slouching before he slowly turned back to glare at Taketa. Kouki couldn’t see his face, a silent mercy he decided, seeing how Taketa’s expression immediately shifted. “What was that? Seems you can’t keep your mouth shut? Maybe I should stuff yours with something instead.”

The air was thick with silence as Taketa’s lower lip trembled, then his body relaxed, arms dropping with his head. His eyes met with Kouki for a split moment, and though neither of them said anything, the surprise Taketa caught in Kouki’s eyes was enough to irritate him, causing Taketa to grit his teeth, scoffing as he snapped his gaze away.

“Agh, shit…where was I?” Ichioka groaned, dropping the scary calm tone he’d used to threaten Taketa as he rubbed his free hand on the back of his neck. “Oh, yeah. Open up, Kouki.” His smile returned and Ichioka continued toward Kouki, tipping the mug side to side in his hand.

“N...n-no, wait!” Kouki waved his hand out in front of him, scooching back on his bottom until he hit the fence again. Still, Ichioka pursued him, crouching down to the boy's level. “P-please! Hold on! I- AH!” He screamed as Ichioka grabbed hold of his chin, the sound of his own skin sizzling in his ears from where Ichioka had licked his fingers.

“That’s it! Say ‘ahh!’” Ichioka mocked him, and Kouki felt the sting of tears begin to well up in his eyes.

“No! Please...mmph!” Kouki clamped his mouth shut when Ichioka ignored his begging, proceeding to raised the mug and flip the cap to the drinking part off. He screamed as hard as he could with his jaw locked closed, the tears now spilling onto his cheeks as he struggled in Ichioka’s grip. He tossed his head this way and that, defiantly dodging the opening of the cup every time Ichioka pressed it to his face.

“Urrg, fuck!” Ichioka growled, his irritation reaching its peak as he ushered Yamane towards him. “Fucking grab him when I say.”

Kouki almost broke, wanting to shout out in protest when Yamane extended a hand out towards him, but he didn’t even have time to pride himself on keeping his mouth shut before it fell open again, the breath being expelled from his body as Ichioka’s fist made contact with his chest. Kouki couldn’t even hear Ichioka give his order over his coughing, which came to an immediate halt when he felt Yamane’s hand on his neck.

Kouki froze, unable to move or speak or do anything but scream as Ichioka readjusted his grip on his chin, tilting his head back in time with the cup, pressed forcefully to his lips, trapping his distressed cries inside the 20-ounce mug. He wanted to thrash, to fight back, to do anything, but with Yamane’s quirk stiffening all of his muscles, Kouki was completely at their mercy, or more accurately their disposal.

The wait was torturous. It felt like it went on forever, as though the bug knew what was waiting for it and was trying to delay its death for as long as possible. Ichioka wasn’t quite as patient and shook the cup in agitation, thunking it against Kouki’s mouth, bruising the exposed parts of his lips, and splitting the skin on the softer side open with his teeth. Finally, after much shaking and tapping, the insect made an appearance.

And again, Kouki screamed. Its antennae danced on his immobile tongue, feeling around for any threats of danger as it continued to slowly emerge. Somehow Ichioka could tell when it was all the way out of the mug, likely from Kouki’s cries, and tossed the empty cup to the side, the metal clanking down loudly on the pavement.

For a split second, Yamane let Kouki go but only long enough for Ichioka to cup his hand over Kouki’s nose, manually bringing his jaws together, holding his mouth closed in the same way someone would a dog’s. Kouki felt all of his muscles flex again and grunted at the way Yamane squeezed the nape of his neck.

“Mmhmph! Mm! Mph!” Kouki huffed, finding his breathing somewhat constricted by the pressure on his nose.

“Shh! Shh, Kouki, listen.” Ichioka hushed him and Kouki felt his face grow hot under his tears. Ichioka kept using his first name. Kouki never gave him permission to use his first name. He hated the way it sounded coming from him.

“MMHMPH!” He shut his eyes, really it was all he could do. His chest heaved as his body tried to break free from Yamane’s quirk.

“Calm down.”

Calm down?! How could he?! He could feel the bug in his mouth, its little feet pitter-pattering all over his taste buds, violating his tongue as it sniffed around with long antennae, tickling his uvula.

Kouki gagged feeling it near the back of his throat, eyes widening with absolute and utter repulsion.

“Shh! No, don’t throw up! Kouki, listen, look at me.”

His eyes peeked open, though he really couldn’t see anything through his tears.

“You can do this. Come on. You’ve gotten through way worse than this, I know you can do it.”

Kouki whimpered. He was right. He’d been through a lot of awful shit, arguably more torturous than this. And this was something he could actually end. He couldn’t tell where the bug was anymore, the sensation had spread all throughout his mouth.

“Just finish it, yeah?”

He didn’t have to chew it, he just had to get it down. He just had to swallow. Kouki worked his tongue, eyes fluttering shut in disturbance as he tried to decipher where the insect was sitting. It stopped its movement temporarily as Kouki moved, desperately working the bug towards the back of his mouth. He was started to get short on oxygen, he realized. As his anxiety levels rose his breathing wanted to quicken as well, and it only got worse as the realization sparked panic.

“HHN!” Kouki gagged again at the feeling of the bug’s wings beating at the roof of his mouth, but didn’t let himself dwell on it, throwing all of his focus into just getting it down. His fingers braced themselves on Ichioka’s arms, desperate to ground his consciousness. He had to stay conscious, he’d never be able to swallow it if he didn’t. And with the steady diminishment of oxygen, it was getting easier and easier to dissociate.

The bug was fighting back now, but Kouki was bigger. He could do it. It was at the back of his tongue now, all he had to do was push it down into his throat. A simple motion, really, a bodily reflex. To the back of the throat and down the esophagus, just like anything else. He could still feel the antennae, the legs, the wings, feeling around, pushing back, but his tongue was stronger. And finally, finally, he got it past his uvula.

But that was about as far as it got. He felt it squirming around, scratching its way back up his esophagus and hanging on his epiglottis, using it as leverage to grab onto his tonsils. Kouki retched, body convulsing as he choked and Ichioka backed off, jumping back to avoid getting puked on. Kouki didn’t puke, but allowed his jaw to drop open, his hands clawing at his throat before diving into his mouth, fingers scraping at his tongue to help the damn thing crawl out. He heaved dryly and beat on his sternum with the ball of his palm, hunching himself over on his knees to use gravity to his advantage. He let his tongue loll out of his mouth, coughing, and with one final, painful, forced gag the intruder flew out. Through blurry eyes Kouki could make out the shape of a cockroach almost the size of his thumb on the ground, drowned in spit and mucus. Barely alive, but then, so was he. Kouki continued to cough, ears ringing as his body worked to replenish his brain with oxygen. It was sitting there, trying to regain his bearings once more with nothing to hold onto that he realized he had been using Ichioka. He wasn’t holding him when he was first restrained because...well because he couldn’t move. He couldn’t move anything, not his hands, his eyes, his tongue— which means Yamane had let him go. Yamane had to let Kouki go for him to swallow. Yamane had let him go and yet…

His hands were on Ichioka’s arms, his head clung to Ichioka’s voice...he wasn’t even struggling in his grip. He stayed. Kouki stayed. The only thing holding him in place was Ichioka and even then, all he had done was hold Kouki’s jaw closed. It was Ichioka’s voice that calmed him down enough to think straight, it was Ichioka—

FUCK! Damn it! What the fuck?! Why…

Kouki sobbed, still coughing up his lungs with every attempt at a breath. He was so compliant. So...small and...damn it...he wasn’t manly at all…

“Oh, that won’t do at all, you ungrateful piece of shit.”

Kouki wailed as Ichioka’s foot met with his side, sending him flying back into the fence again, only this time he didn’t have the strength to keep himself propped upright, only continuing to cry as this body slammed into the pavement. There were hands on his shoulders and arms, yanking him up into a sitting position as Ichioka walked forward, bending over to dangle the roach in Kouki’s face.

“Let’s try again, shall we? And this time I expect you to do more than just deep throat it.”

Tags: @grizzlie70

[zippers-flowers-and-wine]

so im a bit too nervous for kisses...… can I pet all of the mers hair? getting your hair pet or massaged always feels nice, for me at least (please dont murder me im scared)

They all pause, and you can see Narancia vibrate from where he's being held back, Mista's hand (and a tentacle.. Or two... Maybe 5) being the only thing keeping him from launching himself across the glass once again. Giorno smiles serenely when you give him a questioning look. "Although Narancia may be a favoured member of my cluster, I believe he's gone first quite a few times now, let's have..."

His green eyes flick upwards, gleaming as he eyes someone. "Fugo?"

The lionfish blinks, lifting his non-lethal wrist and bicep fins with a curious trill. Making some sort of high pitched squeal, clearly a beckoning calll, Giorno motions him over.

Eyeing his leader warily, because Giorno was often a bit of a asshole trickster, Fugo glides over. "Yes Giorno?"

Even under Fugo's piercingly scrutinizing stare, Giorno's facial features hardly even twitch, although a small flex of his tail may have given him away. Dude would be wicked good at poker if he ever got into that kinda stuff. "Lean down will you? I believe our dear asker wants to give us something."

Fugo purses his lips, squinting so hard that the stripes beneath his eyes scrunch up. It's clear he wants answers, and judging by the way Giorno drifts backwards, the pod's head isn't going to give him any. Sensing that, Fugo glances back at you, scanning your face with a sharp eye but ultimately sighing and doing as asked. You do your best to stay blank, though it's really hard with the most unstable mer staring at you so intently even as he leans within range.

"What is it that you wanted t-"

Willing yourself not to chicken out, and also hoping he doesn't nip at you for surprising him, you shove your hand into his thick hair, making him choke in his words.

Not giving him a chance to pull away, you scratch your nails lightly against his scalp, watching his shoulders droop along with his poisonous dorsal fins and he subtly pushes back into your hands. Your nails are gentle on his scalp, applying barely there pressure in random spots until Fugo shivers under your attention, so you pull back a bit, concerned. He doesn't let you move too far, looping his arms around your waist to pull you against his chest which makes him rest some of his weight against you.

You yip his name, still worried but a subtle vibration that ripples up and down your chest makes you pause. He's... He's purring. You peek up at him, carefully resting a hand back onto his head. Fugo clicks, nuzzling his face into your neck and shivering again. Right, so shivers are actually a good thing. Okay, good to know. Feeling a little braver as you internally awe at him, you reach back up to take in the texture of his hair. It's a little coarse, which is to be expected since he lived in saltwater, but you didn't expect it to have a wavy underside.

Gliding up to his three, hanging bangs, you lightly rake your nails across the skin between them. Its seems to please him, making him almost more boneless than he already was.

Eyeing his ears, you take a breath nd gently scratch behind one. Fugo jolts, purrs becoming nearly thunderous as the fins flare out to give you more room to work. You drag a nail across the thin membrane stretching between the spines, tracing said spines up near the tip as feather light as possible and that seems to break him.

He makes an unintelligible noise, one that's garbled and slurred and he yanks away from you to slink further into the water. Fugo is red from head to toe... Er..? Tail fin? Caudal fin? Whatever, he's blushing brightly, and so are you, and wow all this affection is intense huh?

When you finally get the courage to actually look at him, you find that Fugo looks a little dumbstruck. His eyes are unfocused, staring dazedly at you with a sort of quiet reverence, and he looks really fidgety; rubbing his knuckles, flaring his spines and twitching in his spot. Giorno drifts back into your line of sight, opening his arms and you gawk a little when Fugo happily nuzzles into the somewhat smaller lionfish. Spotting your surprised look, the blond chuckles."Yes, I probably should have mentioned this."

Bruno slithers forth, waving off the young leader. "I've got this, you go bring him down." Giorno nods, turning back to purr and coo at a blissed out Fugo. You can't help the small bubble of worry that blisters up into your throat, choking you with a small amount of guilt.

Like some kind of psychic, Bruno hums, "You're probably wondering what's wrong with him, right?" You nod, skin itching with the need for answers. Bruno reaches out, smoothing a hand across your tensed shoulder as he purrs. "He's fine, just... Hmm? I believe a proper comparison would be to say he's in a sort of "subspace" at the moment." You immediately turn red, unnoticed by Bruno who is turned around to watch their blond leader gently smother Fugo, who is eating the affection up. "Giorno apparently forgot to warn you about that part of our species."

He retreats into himself for a moment, thinking with a hand on your shoulder and the other pressing into a loose fist.

"Alright, it seems like we may have to have a small lesson in cluster bonding." You parrot the last two words back at him, confused. "Yes, cluster bonding." Bruno flicks his body, pulling himself up to rest on the glass. His posture is rather stiff, upright, with his chest subtly puffed out and his hands folded onto his lap. "Touch is a big thing for merfolk, much bigger than it is for humans. In fact, what humans may perceive as harassment, uncomfortably personal contact, or even just a general invasion of one's comfort zone is usually something different for merfolk."

He hums, taking breath before humming. "You see, every touch a mer gives out has meaning. Sometimes it's very straightforward, like if a male wanted to... Inform a female that he was sexually available, he'd initiate some sort of sexual contact." When you stare at him with most deadpan look ever, he demonstrats by resting his weight on one arm, and grinding his hips upwards. Oh... Oh my god.

Satisfied you now know what he means, Bruno resumes, "More subtle things, like shoulder, arm and hand touches are considered friendly, under general contexts and situations." You have a somewhat nagging feeling you know where this is headed. Bruno easily takes note, nodding.

"It seems you understand where I'm going with this." He seems amused by your now permanently flushed face, his lips quirked to the side as his small, triangular pelvic fins flutter. "Head, neck and fin contact is something generally reserved for cluster, or even podmates, although it's not uncommon for merfolk to allow people outside of their pods to do so. It sends us into a highly vulnerable blissed out state, as you can see with Fugo." He tilts his head over his shoulder, guiding your attention to said merman.

It seems as if he's mostly recovered, still leaning against Giorno with Mista wrapped around his shoulder. He looks relaxed, although he is still purring hard enough for the water around him to ripples consistently. "I do know, however, that some humans consider it very similar to having sex. That's why I must ask..." You look back at the eel, freezing when you realize that those guarded blue eyes are mere inches from your own.

"Do you still want to follow through with your request?"

[majingojira]

If I stocked Jurassic Park/Jurassic World

I love the Jurassic Park series, and I love dinosaurs.  But I sometimes look at the species included and find myself asking ... “Why?”   Why 3 Spinosaurids?  Why 2 Ankylosaurids?  Why some species we know almost nothing about? 

So, I’m going to do what the title says, but I’m going to set down some ground rules.

We only ever see a few animals in any of the films, but at most the park has 43 species (not counting hybrids).  Mostly dinosaurs, but a few other prehistoric animals (Mosasaurs, Pterosaurs, and at least one Elasmosaur). 

So, for this, I’m going to give myself some limits:  35 Dinosaurs, 5 Non-Dinosaur Prehistoric Animals. 

Cover as much diversity as I can while still using interesting animals.

They will be listed by as:

Name: - Self Explanatory Description:  - Brief description of the animal and what it can do. Chaos Effect: - What Unexpected Elements could cause havoc.  This is a Jurassic Park post after all. Some speculation, some known stuff, we’re having fun here.

Feel free to think of your own takes on these prehistoric animals, or what you’d put in. 

Read, Set, GO!

1. Name: Stegosaurus Description: One of the most well known armored dinosaurs, it has a longer neck and raised tail unlike the more popular descriptions.  Chaos Effect:  While quite dumb, they are extremely flexible with both its tail (able to reach by its head easily), and its plates (which can flush red).  Which means, when this animal gets annoyed, things get stabbed.  And they can get annoyed quite easily.  

2. Name: Borealpelta Description: A small-ish (cow sized) Nodosaur Ankylosaur, known for having its full coloration known already.  Big shoulder spikes.  Chaos Effect: They dig ruts for themselves to sleep in at night.  This means only their armor bits show up.  They usually use the same one when they can, but it still damages enclosures. 

3. Name: Ankylosaurus Description: A heavily armored ankylosaur with a heavy tail club and thick armor scutes all over its body. Chaos Effect: It’s a damn goat. It will eat and swallow damn near anything.  It will crop things off with its beak, rasp them with an armored/toothy tongue, and then digest them with a powerful gut.  Males also have nose-balloons that inflate to impress mates.

4. Name: Kulinadromeus Description:A small herbivorous dinosaur covered in feathers.  1.5m long. Chaos Effect: Consummate preeners, attempts to put them in a petting zoo scenario ended when they began ‘preening the children.  With their beaks.

5. Name: Edmontosaurus Description:A large duck-billed dinosaur, though it’s actual beak is more parrot like. Chaos Effect: We knew that they had a comb like a rooster, but the one known is for the females.  The one for males is far larger and more elaborate (like comparing a chicken to a rooster).  It is also prone to picking up parasites.  Oxpecker birds have been imported and seem to be doing a good job countering the ticks and mites.  

6. Name: Parasaurolophus Description: A crested hadrosaur with a huge crest sticking out the back of its head. Chaos Effect: We knew they sang, but not so loud or so deeply! Constant maintenance is needed on the paddock as they can rattle apart their paddock locks if they are not checked regularly.  It also gets the attention of certain predators regularly.  Insulation has so far proved ineffective.

7. Name: Pachycephalosaurus Description: The best known dome-headed dinosaur. They ram into each other in dominance contests, but only as adults.  Juveniles have more elaborate horns that change into domes over time. They are still prone to ramming, but not each other. Chaos Effect: Electronics embedded in them, from tracking devices to health monitors, are shorted when repeated bashing occurs.  Enclosures must be reinforced, because they will ram things they do not like.  Also, they are omnivorous.  

8. Name: Psittacosaurus Description: A beaked ornithology with line of quills along the tail.  Chaos Effect: They rattle their tail feathers together like a rattlesnake (but more like grass blowing in the wind) to communicate. 

9. Name: Leptoceratops Description: A small horned dinosaur with no horn, about the size of a potbellied pig. Chaos Effect: It has the personality of a wild boar. Biting instead of goring, but no less aggressive.

10. Name: Triceratops Description: The classic 3-horned dinosaur. Chaos Effect: The back of the animal is covered in quill feathers resembling the quills of a porcupine. They are more prominent when younger, and ‘spread out’ as they age.  They are, however, short, only a few inches long, with no flexibility. 

11. Name: Styracosaurus Description: A smaller horned dinosaur with horns all along its frill. Chaos Effect:  Actually more about display and calling than actual combat.  If you can stand up to its intimidation (which includes the frill flushing bright red, bellowing, and mock charges), they’ll back off.

12. Name: Omeisaurus Description: A mamenchisaurid sauropod, though on the smaller side 66ft long and 10 tons. Mostly (stiff) neck.  It also has a tail club.  Chaos Effect: They are not very social animals, and will use their club to bat away other herd-mates if they get too close.

13. Name: Nigersaurus Description: A short-necked, grazing sauropod, with a wide mouth full of cropping teeth.   30ft long, maybe 2 tons. Chaos Effect: It took several changes to adapt this animal to grass, as the native plants it ate were hard to recreate.  However, having done so has made them horrifyingly potent grass eaters.  Even poisonous plants are mowed down without issue. 

14. Name:  Amargasaurus Description: Another short-necked sauropod, 30ft long,  3tons. Chaos Effect:  Another short-necked sauropod, but more varied feeding than Nigersaurus. When threatened, they roll their heads under their chests, sticking out their spikes, and charge.  They do this with minimal provocation. They also lash their tails around wickedly. 

15. Name: Apatosaurus Description: The classic Sauropod. 75ft long, 20ft tall at the top of the back, and they can weigh up to 30+ tons.  Chaos Effect:  The bottom of their neck is lined with spines they use for defense and in contests with each  other.  They also have a line of raised spines along their backs, which become quite wicked at the tip of their tail.  Lashes with their tail, done to other herd members in dominance points, or against what annoys them, can be very dangerous.  But not as dangerous as when they rear up and try to smash things with their feet or neck.

16. Name: Camarasaurus Description: The most basal deep-sculled sauropod.  50ft long, 40 tons. A high browser. Chaos Effect:  Its large naval cavity makes it a prime carrier for H1N1 Avian Flu.  They don’t seem to get sick, just carry the virus.

17. Name: Saltasaurus Description: A Titanosaur Sauropod with a heavily armored back. 42ft long, 7 tons. Chaos Effect: They love water.  Like, a lot. They drink a lot and prefer to spend the hottest parts of the day in it. 

18. Name: Dilophosaurus Description: A crested therapod. Chaos Effect: I’m going to go with the Jurassic Park poison spitter stuff here, because it’s just so much fun.  But with this added bonus.  The ones we saw in Jurassic Park were not adults.  An adult is 20ft long and can easily look a man in the eye, or loom over them. They lose the frill as adults.

19. Name: Carnotaurus Description: A short-faced, long legged, armored predator.  up to 30ft long, and easily 10ft tall. Chaos Effect: They are Cheetahs.  Extremely long legged runners at high speed, and at long distance.  They can also swallow a man whole by stretching their jaws out.

20. Name: Spinosaurus Description: A dinosaur trying to be a crocodile. 60ft long, with powerful arms, and stubby legs. Chaos Effect:  On land, it sort of waddles about like a giant penguin or pelican. It prefers shallow water, floating on the surface and dipping its head down to snap up small prey, or  waiting on shore to snap up larger fish.  For the biggest meat eating dinosaur ever, it’s actually rather goofy looking. 

21. Name: Allosaurus Description: A large therapod, the “Lion of the Jurassic”. 30ft long. Chaos Effect: They form loose association ‘packs’ most of the year.  They don’t really have tactics or coordinate actively, but they do work together effectively in a mob mentality sort of way.   

22.  Name: Giganotosaurus Description: Taller and longer than T. Rex, with a lighter skull built for slashing.  Chaos Effect:  It can shift between two skin-tones like a chameleon. It usually uses this for displays, but can use it for hunting when it wants to.  Despite being “Bigger” than T. Rex, it is far less robust, and more willing to back away when threatened.

23.  Name: Compsognathus Description: chicken sized therapod dinosaur.  Chaos Effect: They have a venomous bite. It’s about as potent as Gila Monster venom. Which is to say it hurts a LOT, but is usually not fatal to healthy adults.  Children and the elderly, however ...

24. Name: Tyrannosaurus Description: The Tyrant Lizard King. Chaos Effect: Eagle-Eyed, sharp-nosed, and with powerful jaws.  They hunt in family units when they can. Younger animals are more swift and graceful than older ones. 

25. Name: Struthiomimus Description: An ostridge-mimic dinosaur. Chaos Effect: Covered in feathers, has massive eyespots underneath its wings to scare attackers.  It also has the personality of a goose.

26. Name: Deinocheirus Description: A duck-billed, humped back animal, 36ft long and 12ft tall. Chaos Effect: If threatened, it will vomit on an attacker. The bile is foul smelling and slightly caustic.

27. Name: Shuvuia Description: A small dinosaur, 2ft long, with birdlike build, long tail, and short arms that terminate in 3 claws, the central of these dwards the others and is very robust (the others are almost completely gone).  Chaos Effect: An eater of termites and ants, it has a long sticky tongue to grab them up.  Utterly adorable.

28. Name: Therizinosaurus Description: A beaked head on top of a long neck, with a rotund, turkey-like body, and short tail.  Powerful hind legs to stride on, and long arms with massive claws all covered in feathers. Chaos Effect: Being 12ft tall at the shoulder and having scythe-like claws almost 3ft in length is enough!

29. Name: Anzu Description: An oviraptorid dinosaur some 6ft tall. Chaos Effect: It has a super-advanced voicebox that allows it to mimic the cries of damn near everything it hears. Including human voices. 

30. Name: Dakotaraptor Description: It’s the real life version of JP’s Velociraptor.  But feathery, of course. Chaos Effect: As smart as crows, but more carnivorous.

31. Name: Dromaeosaurus Description:  A medium-sized (6ft long,) Chaos Effect: It prey-rides. It latches on to prey and starts biting them.

32.  Name: Stenonychosaurus/Troodon Description: A omnivorous therapod dinosaur with a sickle claw on its feet. Chaos Effect: Escape artist and tool user. 

33. Name: Yi Description: A tiny dragon. Bat-winged, feathered, the size of a crow. Chaos Effect: Has a caustic orange spit that leaves chemical burns on those that are annoyed by it.  So, basically, it breathes not!Fire. Like a proper dragon.

34. Name: Microraptor Description: A four-winged primitive bird. Chaos Effect: Not needed, it’s a four-winged bird!

35.  Name: Phorusrhacos Description: A 8ft tall Terror Bird.  THick beak, powerful legs, and ostrich-fast. Chaos Effect: Hey, it’s a dinosaur!  It was either him or Gigantoraptor, but this was more fun.  They can clap their beaks to make a booming sound to coordinate attacks/call for help/assistance. One peck is enough to split open a hardhat, and the skull underneath.

36. Name: Quetzalcoatlus Description: A gigantic, stork-like pterosaur. Like Giraffe huge. With an 8ft-long bill. Chaos Effect: It is actually quite speedy on land at a gallop.  Still big enough to swallow a smaller-than-average person whole. Tall people get slammed until they break apart, then eaten piece by piece. 

37. Name: Pteranodon Description: The classic flying reptile is actually quite different from what’s expected. Chaos Effect: Extreme sexual dimorphism. Males have crests and are almost twice as big as females.  Acts like an Albatross. 

38. Name: Plesiosaurus Description: Classic sea reptile. Chaos Effect: Seems to spread any cephalopod toxins it consumes to its flesh.

39. Name: Mosasaurus Description: 40ft of marine monitor lizard. Chaos Effect: Has a second set of jaws inside its mouth to help it grasp prey. 

40. Name: Icthyosaurus Description: The “Dolphin” lizard. Chaos Effect: A nocturnal hunter of fish and squid.

[artnerd1123]

Angels and Demons and Hybrids, Oh My! ((aka i’m a nerd and wanted a fancy title to the rambling that’s undercut sldkfjs)) ((enjoy this aimless talk about AFW angels, a lil bit about demons, and some blurbin about stuff in between :D))

Angels:

Dark magic (using it or being around large amounts of it) makes them sick. Too much can kill them.

A dead angel dissolves into a cloud of light after a couple of days.

Angels don’t really ‘eat,’ perse, but they do absorb and feed off of light. Sunlight and other natural light sources are the most filling. They can feed off magical/artificial/firelight, though, if they need to!

Since they watch people down below all the time, the concept of privacy isn’t really a thing they grasp well.

This goes further by angels being very communal, all of em kinda sleeping in piles and just kinda chillin wherever with each other.

Angels that’re really good friends will preen each other’s wings!

Their wings are pastel colors. No darker/black wings.

Angel heirarchy is a thing, but its mostly used just to name what kind of angel looks like what (ex: if you’ve got 6 wings they call you a seraph, if you’ve got 4 you’re probably cherubim, etc)

They tend to just kinda heck off to sky town for the most part. This is why you hardly ever see them. They much prefer watching people and chillin up in the sun.

Doesn’t mean some of em don’t go down anyways tho!

They can be just as mischievous, nosy, and curious as demons if you manage to catch their eyes.

They can see out of all those eyes, actually, so there’s no way to avoid them seeing anything around them unless you’ve blinded them all.

Tbh they’re all just really curious about everything. You won’t find an angel that isn’t at least moderately nosey in the right context.

All angels are scared of some type of snake.

Loud noises tend to alarm them greatly. Thus, angels usually avoid stuff like thunderstorms, volcano eruptions, concerts, and other loud places.

Some of them know how to use disguise magic to hide their wings, and walk around in towns on occasion. The only way you’d be able to tell they’re an angel is if you startle them- any extra eyes they have will open up, and their unseen wings will flare open/knock into stuff.

They’ve got their own brand of defense magic called heavenflames. It’s exactly what it sounds like. Only more powerful angels have full access and control to these, though.

Average angels can only have a few handfuls of heavenflames at a time. They tend to use heavenflames only for when they only need it-- it saps their energy pretty fast.  

Heavenflames are completely resistant to dark magic, and can burn it away if they’re allowed to burn hot/long enough.

However, heavenflames can be put out by water boiled over a hellfire flame.

While angels are quite a handful, and aren’t quite the best at the whole ‘hands off and leave me alone’ thing, they generally strive to do at least a little bit of good. They’re like weird cryptids who don’t know a lot but just wanna help people out and make people smile. (even if the only smiling people they want are their friends).

Demons:

Regular magic (using it or being around large amounts of it) makes them sick. Too much can kill them.

A dead demon melts into a puddle of shadows after a couple days.

Being around/ingesting dark magic will heal any demon.

Demons usually eat dark magic, chunks of souls, or dead things (like scavengers). Some have combo diets, but only one of these tend to actually fill them up.

Really old or powerful demons have the ability to create and use hellfire. Its exactly what it sounds like.

Hellfire is exclusively dark fire. It can eat up and corrupt anything it touches, if you let it get out of hand. However, it’s also really good for demon healing/feeding. Basking in its heat allows wounds to heal in a matter of hours rather than days, even clearing up unwanted scars. Basking also allows dark magic eaters to absorb and consume the dark magic radiating off the flames.

Hellfire burns like oil flames. It won’t get put out by water unless it’s been boiled by heavenflames.

Demons is a mix of good n bad tbh. There’s plenty of rotten ones, but you can def find good eggs in there too! About the only thing in common they have across the board is a tendency to be chaotic and get really overly dedicated to something/someone/their morals/etc in life.

Hybrid time:

Because ofc there’d be some of these. C’mon man. Y’all know it’d happen.

These are referred to as “fallen angels” (hybrid kids who take more after their angel parent), “risen demons” (hybrid kids who take more after their demon parent), or “nephilim” (hybrid kids who are kinda just in-betweens-- or hybrids in gereral).

If they have wings, they’re typically batlike with feathers on the main part of the “limb,” and darker colored. there’s absolutely exceptions to this tho!

If they have tails, they’re usually short, or lack embellishments on the end such as stingers/barbs/etc (they can have your typical devil’s arrowhead tho!).

Black and white might be cliche here, but there’s definitely a color clash somewhere in their design. Opposing/opposite colors often work themselves into their hair/skin/eyes/etc even if one of the colors isn’t on either parent.

The color clash doesn’t have to be loud and obnoxious tho

Since mashing both heavenflames and Hellfire doesn’t work too well, these hybrids are usually left with some sort of regular fire magic, if they get any at all.

They’ve got a really weird diet. aka they eat shadows/darkness. nice. 

They get sick a lot. (their immune systems tend to fight themselves-- its not a fun time)

Aside from the drawbacks, they do get some added abilities!!! So it’s not all terrible!!!

They’re actually chill around lots of both dark and regular magic. It doesn’t hurt them.

Since their existence kinda breaks the world a bit, they can create and slip through cracks into the afterlife realm, and travel back n forth. This takes a chunk of energy, tho, so they don’t tend to do it more than a couple times a week (if at all)

Some of them can turn invisible.

They can heal fatal wounds.

They’ve got the power of inhuman shrieking AND demonic screeching on their side- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

(aka they can get Really Loud™ and break glass or shatter people’s eardrums. Fun stuff)

So y’know how angels eat light and demons eat dark magic sometimes? Yea well these guys eat darkness sometimes. Wild.

Poison doesn’t work on them.

Cool stuff aside, these guys are pretty rare. And not bc of forboden romance or whatever, angels and demons just hardly ever cross paths.

[mellowsobri]

Intrigue

Draco Malfoy x Reader

Request: Could u do a Draco x hufflepuff!reader were all of his friends are hating on the reader but when they meet her she’s really nice and they love her?

Word count: 1,500+

masterlist

(a lil different from the original request, but not by much. not rly edited)

Despite what they said about her or even to her face, she still had the same smile on her face.

At first Draco was simply doing it because it amused him, but now he just mocked her because she was too damn happy. He had said something about her blood status, her house, hell he even told her one day that her hair looked like a nest, but not once had she cracked. Well, sure, she made some snide remarks back to him, but she hadn't ever lost her temper like Potter or Granger ever did.

“Come on, Draco!” Pansy cried. “You're not going to crack her. She’s been smiling that creepy cheshire smile since first year!” He looked at her for a moment, her features crinkling up in annoyance. He noticed that compared to Parkinson’s features, (Name) had a delicate face that looked as if it were carefully crafted with porcelain.

“Whatever, Parkinson. I’ll get her to crack. No one could be that happy.”

“Yeah but... Why do you care so much?” Blaise, who had been absent of the conversation until now, commented. Draco felt the stares pointed at him, all intrigued as to what his response was.

He gulped, narrowing his eyes as to maintain an apathetic reputation. “I don't. I just think it’s entertaining.” And with that, the conversation of the mysterious Hufflepuff ceased.

“You know Hufflepuff is the house that wizards and witches get put into because they lack intelligent, brave, or cunning qualities, right? I mean, loyal? How can an entire bloody house be based on loyalty?” There were a gathering of students outside. It was Hagrid’s first class, and apparently he was supposed to be teaching over Hippogriffs.

“Leave her alone, Malfoy.” Harry Potter glared at the boy with platinum hair who simply returned his glare.

“Oh, it’s quite alright Harry. Just ignore it.”

“It?!” Draco sputtered. Had he just been referred to as an ‘it’?

“Yeah, but―” Harry was cut off by (Name’s) kind gaze. He mumbled a small ‘alright’ before returning with his friends to wait for Hagrid.

Later, (Name) watched as Harry was forced atop ‘Buckbeak’ as Hagrid had named him. The creature spread its’ marvelous wings and flew off, leaving the rest of the class watching in either awe or envy.

When the pair returned, Malfoy was the first to throw a fit. “Don’t think you're so special, Potter!” He spat. “I bet you're just a load of feathers, yeah?” As the blonde boy approached Buckbeak, Hagrid cried out in protest.

“Malfoy!”

When there was only about a few feet between the Hippogriff and the Slytherin boy, the feathered creature retaliated. Buckbeak let out an angered squawk and clawed at Draco, said boy immediately holding his arm out to shield his face. It clawed through his robes, leaving a slash mark in the process.

(Name) covered her scream with her hands. “Oh shi―”

“Hagrid!” It was Hermione Granger. Hagrid nodded, picking Draco up like he was a feather.

When Draco woke up, he was laying in a hospital bed with his injured arm wrapped up. He felt a weight on the side of the bed, his eyes still blurry from his slumber.

“Who―?”

“You're awake.” The girl who had caused his immense irritation was staring back at him. She had changed into casual clothes, yet she still had her damned Hufflepuff colored scarf wrapped around her neck.

“Why are you here?” He had meant to say this in his signature cold tone, but with his grogginess it came out gentle and almost kind.

“Because you got scratched by a Hippogriff.”

He sat up halfway. “I know. But why are you here?” (Name) looked beside her and picked up something that he couldn't see. She raised her arm, extending it to him with a box of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans in hand.

“Here.” He looked at the item in her possession as if it was poison.

“What?”

“You probably feel like shit,” He almost cringed as the girl who seemed like an innocent ray of sunlight cursed. “so you should eat something sweet. Or awful, you never know with this stuff.” Hesitantly, he took the box from her hands and popped a bean into his mouth. She stifled a laugh as his face twisted up in disgust.

“What was it?”

“Pepper.” She took the box from his hand and ate a bean, her familiar yet infuriating smile coming to her lips.

“Candy floss.” The two sat for a moment before Draco spoke again, shakily.

“Why are you being nice to me?” He held his tongue from spitting out his words. She looked at him, a bit confused.

“Because you got hurt and no one else seemed to want to visit you.”

Ouch. Well she could have worded that differently.

“How long have you been here?” She shrugged and looked out a window.

“I don't know. Maybe an hour or two?” His jaw dropped. She had been sitting on the side of his bed for an hour?

“Anyways,” she said as she stood up. “I guess you're awake now. I’m gonna go, but I’ll see you tomorrow.” Before he could say any more, she walked out of the infirmary, leaving him shocked.

If the events that had happened yesterday hadn't happened, currently Draco would have been showing his cast off like it was gold. He sat at his table, ignoring the people and the food in front of him. He stared off into space until his gaze coincidentally landed on the Hufflepuff table. He watched as the (Hair Color) girl’s face contoured into a wide grin, laughing at something her housemate had said. A pang in his heart made him glare, jealousy overcoming him.

“What are you staring at?” Pansy followed his gaze. “Why are you glaring at her? Don't tell me you've become so obsessed that you have to glare at her all the time. Granted, with a face like hers, it isn't hard to hate it.” She snickered at her own comment.

“Yeah? Take a look at yourself, Parkinson,” he sneered. This caught everyone’s attention.

“Whoa, what the hell is your problem?” Pansy crossed her arms. “You were just making fun of her yesterday.”

He flushed. “I― I just think that she’s getting tired. I’ve been at her forever, it’s getting boring.” This didn't seem to satisfy his friends.

“Maybe she doesn't deserve it...” This caused an uproar, Blaise almost jumping up in surprise and Pansy gaping at him.

"What the― Draco?!" Pansy sputtered, nearly knocking her drink over.

Blaise smirked, calming down and shrugging. "I mean she is pretty hot."

Their words of protest (or suggestive commentary) began to jumble together as they all spoke at once. Draco sighed, standing up and taking his leave. Sometimes his friends gave him an immense headache.

The cast that wrapped around both Draco’s arm and neck wasn't worth the attention. He rubbed the back of his neck and groaned. He couldn't help but feel the weight of the gift that he had received from (Name) bounce in his robe pocket.

“Draco!” He turned his head to see (Name) run to catch up with him, her yellow scarf flying behind her. “Is your arm okay?”

“Uh, yeah... It’s fine, I guess. I think the cast is worse than the actual injury.”

“Well that sucks.” She smiled at him and continued to walk beside him in silence. Finally, he couldn't take it anymore.

“Why are you being so nice to me?” The question seemingly shocked her, as she gaped at him with slightly large eyes.

She stuttered. “H-Huh?”

“I mean do you have memory loss or something?” He didn't want to be direct and say ‘I was mean to you every day’ because he honestly didn't want to hear the answer.

“No...? What do you mean?”

His pale face became red as he avoided eye contact with the girl who had an innocent expression playing on her face. He stayed silent as he couldn't bring himself to remind the girl who had been too kind to him of his mean nature.

“It’s a forgive and forget, Draco.” He gazed at here. Were there really people like this that existed? Because he knew that if someone said some of the stuff that he said to her to his face, he would most likely do whatever he could to get back at him.

“I mean, you don't look like a terrible person. Mentally, I mean. Physically you look kind of hot.” She said it so nonchalantly that he recoiled. His face was already pink, but he was sure it was now a deep shade of red.

He sputtered. “W―Wha―!”

“But I don't know. I guess you just entertained me.” Draco’s jaw was dropped. Partially because he had said the same exact thing about her, but mostly because she was a complete different person than he had assumed. He stared as (Name’s) smile turned into a smug smirk. She placed a gentle hand on his shoulder and patted it softly.

“I’ll see you later, Draco.” She winked at him before catching up with a group of students in yellow scarves that matched hers, leaving him intentionally wanting more of the girl that intrigued him more than any other.

[amalgamations-inc]

Vampiric Gorgons

When talking Vampires, there’s so much history to the name, so many interpretations. I wanted to be as close to the original Dracula,written by Bram Stoker I think, as possible. This means they are able to be in sunlight without dying, but they will be vulnerable and lose vampiric abilities in daylight. Playing with this, you can have woods and caves still be dangerous because the shade allows them to stay powerful. Feel free to also play with granted powers. Dracula was said to have made deals with the devil for his powers, though some cool things to note that aren’t what I’m gonna call base line is; damage dealt while not in sunlight is null, going through them like air, defy gravity for a bit, oddly specific travel to unhallowed ground like that of a suicide victim, telepathic and illusionary abilities, and warping to places he knows how to get to (think warping to the deli because you know what the deli looks like and know the directions there). Taking liberties with interpretations here, the Gorgon eats prey whole, like an actual snake. The stomach is lined with sandpaper like Rugae (i didn��t want to look up stomach again, so i looked up the term, that’s what the walls of your stomach is called. I didn’t know either), with stomach acid mixed with an anticoagulant, making the goal of the creature to survive, leave the prey alive, but also deal as much damage as possible without killing them. Eating the prey alive allows for prey to live longer in Stomach, less chance of rot. What the baseline of abilities are are the generic strength and speed of a vampire, inhumanely fast, stupid fast, and super strong. These are baseline because this is just in every vampire adaptation, so… gotta keep the thing everyone knows in there. But throw them off. The gorgon part of turning to stone can be a mental trap with paralysis, figurative stone. And it’s hypnosis, so play with the misinterpreted version where it’s not what you would do were you not bound by social norm, you’re bound to the Gorgon’s will. Another fun ability is controlling weather. Imagine this. It's a sunny day, no chance of vampires… and then clouds roll in, but not the whole sky, a personal cloud. A vampire, weakened stil because of the reflecting lights, so it's impossible to fight, the concentration to hold up this cloud is immense as is. Or maybe the abilities are damped and they can fight, but noticeably weaker. Keeping with the gorgon side is more than I thought. Id imagine its based off of the newer tellings of Medusa, the late Greek and Roman tellings of her, where she was still beautiful and cursed by Athena after certain sensitive events happened, all i gotta say is fuck Poseidon and fuck Zeus. Keeping in tow of this, she’s still as strong, has a natural talent for fighting, and what a lot of people neglected as much as I have, she has wings and a venomous poison secreting from her snake hair. I’ll link where i got the medusa stuff: https://mythology.net/monsters/medusa/ . interesting stuff, but not the only source, will edit as i find stuff on it. Feel free to use the original body too, that of an ugly monstrosity born deformed with feathered wings growing out its shoulders and tusks in its maw, head made wide and swollen. Or mash em. Newer version with wings and now vampiric abilities. Think of it like a scale, you can make her Orcish, where the beauty isn't in the sexiness, but the look she gives, their attitude and aura they give off. Make em a BAMF, Gorgon’s should be BAMFs

[legendofzeldaalinktothepast]

Pathetic, Clinging Poetry - Chapter 11 (of 25)

Previous Chapter // Next Chapter 

She told me I could be perfect, but I just kept missing my chance. I wore my skirt, sat on the pew, kept my eyes and voice low; but in the end, I was still sick. 

* 

Pearl's heart was still racing in her chest as she closed the door behind herself, and her hands trembled slightly from what she'd just done. Sliding a note beneath Jasper's door was probably the most cowardly thing she could have done -- but it was also the only thing she could bring herself to do, in all honesty.

"You good?" Amethyst asked, noticing the uneasy expression on Pearl's face.

"Y-yes, just nervous." Pearl said, making her way back over to Amethyst's bed. "I really hope Jasper doesn't take the note the wrong way..."

"If she does, that's her problem." Amethyst said, placing a comforting hand on Pearl's back. "I read it over a million times and can tell you for sure that you're doing the right thing. You're being the bigger person and that's hard as fuck, so I gotta admire that."

"Alright..." Pearl took a deep breath. "You're right. If she doesn't want to mend things after reading this letter, well... At least we can't say I didn't try."

"That's the spirit!" Amethyst grinned and gave Pearl a reassuring pat. "Now come on, let's do something to get our minds off all this bullshit. That sound good?"

"I think that would be nice..."

"Sweet! What are you up to doing? Wanna go hang out with Dot and Garnet?" Amethyst suggested.

Pearl sadly shook her head. "I'm sorry... But I don't know if that's what I need right now."

"You don't need to be sorry." Amethyst said. "How about... another walk through the park?"

"I think I'd rather stay home, if I'm going to be honest -- even though that probably doesn't make sense, since the source of my anxiety is, well, here." Pearl blushed and fidgeted in her seat. "Sorry to be so boring; I guess I just don't really know what I need."

"I swear, you apologize so much I could make it a drinking game." Amethyst teased. "You don't have to be sorry, okay?"

"Hey, I'm only being polite!" Pearl huffed.

"I know, I know, but you don't need to. You're allowed to say no to things and set your own boundaries." Amethyst said.

"It's a tough habit to break, I suppose." Pearl sighed.

"I can't blame ya." Amethyst ran her fingers through her hair as she tried to come up with another idea. "How about... another art collab?"

Pearl's heart leaped at that suggestion. "Excellent idea! But..." Her expression fell. "I already gave my poetry book to Rose, so I unfortunately don't have anything on hand that you could base your painting on, I'm sorry..."

"That's it, I'm getting the vodka." Amethyst rolled off of her bed, leaving Pearl utterly confused until she'd realized what had happened. "I apologized again, didn't I?" she chuckled and cupped a hand over her mouth.

"Damn right you did, so I'm officially making this a drinking game." Amethyst reached under her bed and dragged out a half-full bottle of vodka; Pearl was tempted to question why she had that stored under her bed of all places, but decided against it, realizing this was Amethyst. She popped off the cap and took three sips straight from the bottle. "There. One for each unnecessary apology you've given me so far. So you better stop if you don't wanna give me alcohol poisoning." Amethyst teased.

Pearl couldn't help but burst into laughter. "Alright, alright, fair enough." she said. Her gaze still lingered on the bottle in Amethyst's hands... "Could I try some of that? I've never had the opportunity to try alcohol before..."

"That doesn't surprise me. Here ya go." Amethyst said, handing the bottle over to Pearl.

Pearl wiped the rim of the bottle off with her shirt before taking a sip. She immediately cringed and shook her head. "Blegh! I guess I wasn't really missing out; this is awful!"

"What are you talking about? It barely tastes like anything." Amethyst cackled.

"It smells like a permanent marker and burns like vinegar. Its only redeeming quality seems to be that it gets you drunk." Pearl said.

"That's fair." Amethyst shrugged. "I guess it's not the best drink for beginners, anyway."

"Sorry, but I guess it's not my thing." Pearl said with a wink.

Amethyst raised an eyebrow as she took the bottle from Pearl again. "I know you did that on purpose. Bitch." she said as she took another sip.

"Sorry, but I don't know what you're talking about!" Pearl responded in a fake-innocent tone, holding in her own laughter. "Sorry to disappoint you, Amethyst! You'll have to forgive me!"

"You little shit!" Amethyst burst into laughter and gave Pearl a playful shove, before taking two more sips of vodka.

"That was technically three apologies, you know." Pearl teased.

"Eat shit, I'm only counting the S word." Amethyst snorted. "Anyway, before you decided you wanted to murder me, I came up with an idea for our little art collab that we can actually do without your notebook."

"Oh? Go on." Pearl said, the smile on her face still lingering from screwing around with Amethyst's little drinking game.

"Just ooone sec!" Amethyst said, jumping to her feet and heading over to her closet. As she waited, Pearl eyed the bottle of vodka again. 'Hmm...' She reached for it again, wiping off the rim once more, and took another sip just to make sure it was as bad as she thought it was one minute ago. 'Yep, still gross.' she mentally remarked, placing the lid back on the bottle and setting it aside.

Amethyst returned with a heavy book in her hand, dropping it down on the bed. "Sometimes when I can't think of anything to paint, I just open up a book to a random page and base my painting off of the very first word I see. So I was thinking maybe both of us could do the same word! So we're still technically collaborating."

"Ohh, I see! That's a clever way to get your creative juices flowing." Pearl nodded. "In that case, since we're trying out something new today... May I suggest something as well?"

"Go for it."

"What if we switched things up a little bit? As in you try writing a poem, and I give painting a shot!" Pearl said. "It might be a little bit easier for me -- I hold myself to such a high standard when I write, but since I'm new to painting, I won't be quite as critical of myself."

"Oh yeah, that sounds fun!" Amethyst said. "I mean, my poem will probably turn out like shit, but I think it'll still be fun!"

"I doubt that; you have such a creative mind, I'm sure you could convey it in words just as well as you do in painting!"

"Pfft, well, let's hope so." Amethyst said. "But first things first; let's get our topic!"

Amethyst laid the heavy book down on the bed and flipped it open to a random page; she placed her finger on a random spot and read aloud the first word she saw. "Butterfly!"

"That's perfect!" Pearl clasped her hands together. Butterflies were carefree and colorful just like Amethyst's paintings, and if she was going to attempt a new medium of art, there was no better subject than this.

The two of them both began to set up their materials; Pearl laid out a canvas and a palette of paint on the floor, while Amethyst sat at the desk with her feathered pen and college ruled notebook. As Pearl reached for the paint brush, she heard the sound of heavy footsteps in the hallway and felt a lump in her throat as she was reminded of the note she'd left for Jasper. Not wanting to think about that whole situation again, she cleared her throat to speak. "It's funny, I was never too afraid of bugs when I was a child... But butterflies were the one bug that did frighten me." Pearl said, dipping her brush into the sky blue puddle of paint and spreading it across her canvas.

"Really?" Amethyst said. "You had no problem taking care of that centipede at Peridot's apartment, but those girly little butterflies freak you out?"

"Well, I'm not afraid of them anymore!" Pearl clarified. "I guess it I wasn't so much that I was afraid of them, though; I was more... uncomfortable with how delicate they were. My sister once told me their wings were so fragile, they'd break if I touched them. She... was probably just teaching me to be careful, now that I look back on it, but the thought of hurting such a beautiful thing made me want to cry, so I ended up feeling nervous whenever they were around."

"Damn. And here I was throwing worms at girls on the playground who bullied me." Amethyst snorted; Pearl could see from the corner of her eye that she was writing something down as she talked. "I feel kinda bad about that, though. Those poor worms didn't deserve to be chucked at those assholes."

Pearl burst into laughter. "The more you tell me about your childhood, the more I feel like we probably wouldn't have gotten along. It's a good thing we met as adults rather than kids, isn't it?"

"Yeah, guess so. I was kinda awful, so I would've hated me too." Amethyst smirked.

"I didn't mean it like that; I just meant that we were very different..." Once she decided to move on to the next color, Pearl dipped her paint brush into the plastic cup of water, watching the little blue clouds of paint as they fogged up the water. "I was such a goody-two shoes, always focused on being ladylike and polite... You seemed to be so rowdy and carefree, like every kid deserved to be."

"Uh..." Amethyst leaned back in her chair, tilting her head back to look at Pearl. "I mean this in the nicest possible way, but uh... isn't that kinda... how you still are?"

Pearl couldn't help but feel a slight twinge of annoyance. "How is that...?"

"Like I said earlier, you apologize a lot. And you're always sitting with your legs crossed, always looking so dainty, always wanting to clean up after me and Jasper... Almost feels like you'd apologize for breathing too much." Amethyst tapped her fingers on the desk, looking as if she somewhat regretted bringing it up. "And like, there's nothing wrong with apologizing a lot or wanting to be polite and stuff. But I dunno... I guess it seems kinda unhealthy sometimes. I don't want you thinking you gotta be a doormat. Is that shitty of me?"

Pearl bit her lip. "I... I guess you may have a point, but..." Pearl trailed off, absentmindedly swirling her brush around in the water.

"Sorry, I guess I kinda said it in a douchey way..." Amethyst mumbled. "I put you in a weird position. We can, uh, drop the subject if you wanna. Kinda lose my filter when I'm tipsy..."

"I think we should..." Pearl had to restrain herself from punctuating that sentence with a "sorry".

A silence fell between the two that wasn't quite awkward, but not quite comfortable either; instead of making more attempts to converse, Pearl decided it was best to just focus on finishing up her painting. The more she tried to perfect it, however, the more of a sloppy mess it became. That alone was driving her insane, but she put all of her willpower into not worrying about it, simply focusing on relaxing and enjoying herself -- but neither of those seemed to be happening. Paint smudged in places she wanted to be more uniform, and the once vibrant colors mixed into a bunch of murky greys and browns; by the time she was finished (or as finished as she could get), tears had begun to spill from her eyes.

"Okay, I think I got a decent poem down!" Amethyst announced after a few moments of silence, causing Pearl to jump in surprise; she dramatically placed her pen down on the table, turning her body towards Pearl. "How bout you, P?"

Pearl didn't respond, simply staring at the hideous painting lying before her and feeling a wave of shame wash over her.

"...P?" Amethyst said, standing up from her desk and bringing her notebook with her.

Pearl burst into tears and buried her face into her hands. Biting her lip, Amethyst cautiously pushed her chair in and approached her. "Aw geez... I'm sorry, Pearlie. Is this because of what I said earlier? It was stupid, I should have-"

"It's not just that." Pearl sniffled, wiping her face on her sleeve. "Just... the combination of everything that happened today. Not know how Jasper will react to my note, hearing you two fight earlier... And to top things off, my painting is hideous! I'm sorry to be so negative, it's just... so much right now..."

"Aw... Pearl..." Amethyst said, sitting down on the floor beside her and wrapping one arm around her waist. "It's gonna be alright. Everything is gonna be alright soon! But you know... rules are rules..." she continued, her hand slowly reaching over for the bottle of vodka. Confused by Amethyst's words, Pearl looked up from her hands and saw what Amethyst was doing. She tried to hold back her laughter, but that only lasted a for second. "Amethyst!"

"Hey, you're the one that said the 'S' word!" Amethyst teased, winking at Pearl as she unscrewed the cap and took a sip straight from the bottle. "Anyway, show me that painting already! I'm sure it's cool as all fuckery!"

"Ah, alright..." Pearl took a deep breath, still working on calming herself down. She hesitantly handed the canvas over to Amethyst.

"Aww, Pearlie! Are you serious? This is cool as fuck!" Amethyst said, her eyes widening.

"Come on, you don't have to pity me..." Pearl smiled awkwardly.

"I'm not, dude! It's actually awesome!" Amethyst said. "Like, the smudgies kinda make it look like the butterfly was splashing around in the mud. It's a rowdy girl, like me!"

Pearl couldn't help but smile. "Aw... I guess that's one way to look at it, isn't it?"

"And I like that her wings are a little wonky. You know nobody's really symmetrical, right? I got one hand that's bigger than the other!" Amethyst held both of her hands out to Pearl. "See? Lefty's bigger!"

Pearl let out a slight giggle. "I guess that's true, huh? And if this butterfly has a lot in common with you, it certainly must be beautiful like you..."

"Hell yeah it is!" Amethyst said, taking another sip of the vodka. "So don't be so hard on yourself. It's your first time painting, so you're obviously not gonna be Picasso, but that doesn't mean it's not good!"

"I guess so..." Pearl said, sniffling and wiping her face again. "Thank you for being so kind. And hey, why are you drinking again? I didn't even say sorry!"

"You did just now." Amethyst winked. "I predicted the future!"

Pearl burst into laughter. "You really are something, aren't you?"

"You want another try?" Amethyst asked, holding the bottle in Pearl's direction. "No pressure, though; I just don't wanna be greedy."

"Ah... sure!" Pearl said, hesitantly reaching for the bottle again. If Amethyst was going to be drunk, she might as well join her; while she wasn't what anyone would consider an experienced drinker, she did know being drunk wasn't very fun to do alone. She took a hesitant sip, this time not caring enough to wipe off the bottle. "I'm going to be honest, I might have to try a few different kinds before I get into this whole drinking thing..."

"That's fine; you don't even have to get 'into' drinking at all if you don't wanna." Amethyst leaned back against the bed. "Anyway, wanna see my poem?"

"Of course!" Pearl said, feeling somewhat silly; she'd almost forgotten about Amethyst's poem altogether. 'Wonder if the alcohol is already kicking in.' she mentally noted, not entirely sure how much she'd have to drink before actually feeling anything, or how quick it would be.

"Here ya go!" Amethyst handed the notebook over to Pearl; her handwriting was small and a bit sloppy, Pearl noticed, but not so much that it was illegible. She'd even drawn an outline around the poem and surrounded it with little doodles of butterflies.

i can feel their wings pounding on my ribs banging to get out, searching for light. when i was little, people would tell me i had butterflies in my belly. but these little things have furry antennae and mostly come out at night. if butterflies mean i'm nervous, what does it mean when there's moths instead?

By the time she'd finished reading the poem, Pearl was smiling from ear to ear. "Oh my goodness, Amethyst, that is adorable!" Pearl exclaimed, hugging the notebook against her chest. "You have such a creative mind -- you really should do this more often!"

"Aw, thanks." Amethyst said with a slight blush on her face. "You sure you're not just saying that to flatter me?"

"Certainly not! You really do have so much potential -- sure, you're undeniably a beginner, and it could use a little tweaking here and there, but that could be said about any poem on the face of the earth!" Pearl said; her dampened mood from earlier seemed to have vanished into thin air. "Trust me when I say that I love it. I like that you chose to go with a metaphorical meaning of butterflies; I almost feel silly for taking such a literal route, now."

Amethyst gave Pearl a playful nudge. "Nothing wrong with being literal. Sometimes the metaphors get old, and you want a piece of art that just tells you like it is." Amethyst gestured to the painting. "And that, right there, is a sweet butterfly that's going right on my wall as soon as it dries."

"Ame..." Pearl teared up again, pulling Amethyst into a tight embrace. "Thank you so much..."

Amethyst returned the hug, caught slightly off guard by the sudden affection but certainly not bothered by it. "Hey, just telling the truth..." she said, gently rocking her back and forth. "And hey... I'm sorry about the thing I said earlier."

"You don't have to be." Pearl reassured.

"Yeah, but still..."

The conversation trailed off, but their hug didn't. For the time being, Pearl was perfectly content staying right where she was in Amethyst's arms. Part of her felt like she should let go soon to keep from being awkward, but... she simply couldn't bring herself to.

"You're wonderful..." she whispered. Her long fingers grazed against Amethyst's spine, and she heard her draw in a soft breath at the touch. Pearl's heart pounded in her chest as she slowly pulled away from the hug, her gaze melting right into Amethyst's dark irises. Her eyes slowly moved downward to her plump lips; she noticed the faintest hint of sparkle left from lipgloss that she'd probably put on earlier that day. A sudden rush of bravery sprung up in Pearl and she pressed her lips against Amethyst's.

The kiss lasted for no more than a second, and felt so... foreign. Definitely not what Pearl had expected; it had been so long since she'd last kissed someone, she'd almost forgotten what it felt like. As she pulled away, she saw the dazzled look in Amethyst's eyes. "When did you get so brave?" she slurred, tracing a finger along Pearl's jawline.

"H-hah, I guess... Must have been the alcohol..." Pearl blushed, her gaze going right back down to her hands.

"Pfft. You had like, two super tiny sips of it, girlie. That’s not even enough to get a hamster buzzed." Amethyst teased. "Probably just gazebo."

"You mean placebo."

"Yeah, gazebo."

Pearl rolled her eyes, still unable to wipe the amused grin off of her face. "Alright, you’re the expert.” she teased. Her expression softened a bit before she continued. “But, um... was that okay? I-I should have asked first, I shouldn’t have assumed you’d..." Pearl trailed off, her cheeks burning with shame and refusing to look into Amethyst's eyes.

"Lemme see if this answers your question." Amethyst said. She leaned forward and tilted Pearl's head back up so they were facing each other, kissing her once more. Relief and excitement washed over Pearl as she melted into the kiss and wrapped her arms around Amethyst, tugging her even closer.

[barbecuedphoenix]

Hello! I just need to say I LOVE your writing, omg I read and re-read your stuff AT LEAST once a week, seriously, you're a genius *kisses your face*. This is not really a request, just an IDEA for you to think about, but have you thought of how would be the first time Nevra drank Guardienne's blood? Maybe during sex, or before their first time...? I'm just curious to know what you think of his drinking habits if he were in a relationship with her.

*She reaches forward togently cup your cheek, her thumb tracing feather-light crescents around thepoint of your cheekbone that sends sparks dancing, waves of fire rolling across your skin withevery sly, knowing stroke*

You flatter me too much,my dear. ;)

Ahem. To answer your question, Anon., I do have a few ideas on what blood-feedingentails for Nevra. Because it’s a pretty fascinating subject for an aspiringbiologist. And you can never skip out on blood-feeding with a vampire beau. ;)

But first, I’ll have toseparate what’s implied in canon with, well, my headcanon. Brace yourself for adouble-serving of analysis and imagination. Plus science. Because there’salways science involved when talking about vampires. ^_^    

Warning: Not NSFW… but it still has a lot of innuendo. Don’t try reading thisout-loud if you’re babysitting. Not even if the kid in question likes Twilight.

What does blood-drinking mean to him? (CanonAnalysis)

Seeing that Nevra is quick to offer a bite (as a joke or agenuine pick-up line) in several episodes, and given that he does drink fromladies he isn’t dating (i.e. that awkward moment in Episode 10), my impressionis that blood-drinking is more a casual activity for Nevra than a seriouscommunion.  

The impetus also seems to be more sexual than nutritive: hedefinitely seems to prefer drinking from young ladies, instead of—shall wesay—more robust sources of blood plasma. Like young men of Valkyon’s size. (Sorry,fans. But that’s why we have headcanons.) Furthermore, Nevra has alreadymentioned in Episode 8 that it’s ‘fun’, which lends more credence to him seeingblood-drinking as a form of foreplay.  

He’s clearly unabashed about his appetite for blood, from theblasé way he shrugs off criticism, jokes, and put-downs in Episodes 10, 4, and 8 respectively. This can be due to his supreme confidence in himself… and/or his knowledge of how vampires are walkingsexual fantasies in human literature (see episode 6). But from the number ofdinner/pantry jokes he makes, I’m willing believe that– on some level– Nevrabelieves blood-drinking increases his mystique among non-vampires. Sorry,buddy… but vampires are still a niche fad in this world

It’s unknown how necessary blood-drinking is to his survival,or what benefits it gives him. But it definitely isn’t the sole component ofhis diet: Nevra can consume regularfood (see episode 8), and is partial towards certain treats like red wine andthe oh-so-appropriate blue steaks (i.e. extremely raw steaks). Personally, Isupport the idea of him having a varied, omnivorous diet (sacrilege for vampirefans, I know) because blood in itself—per volume—is not nutritious at all:mainly composed of water, protein, and salt, with some iron and trace lipidsfrom red blood cells, and a very light sprinkling of sugars and importantminerals dissolved throughout. In fact, all full-time sanguivores—i.e.blood-drinkers—in nature are on the tiny side by necessity, and still need toconsume huge quantities of blood relative to their body weight just to avoidstarvation; vampire bats, for instance, need to drink half their body weight inblood per meal. So biologically-speaking, it’s just more feasible for Nevra toeat solid meat and other concentrated sources of carbohydrates, fats, vitamins,etc. (Besides… can you imagine how many people each day have to ‘donate’ forhis most basic rations if blood is all he consumes? Between him and Karenn,they’ll drain El dry. That won’t look good for the Guard. >_>)

Consent is necessary in Nevra’s book (see Episode 10), and heaccepts refusals (and borderline insults) with aplomb. So my guess is thatblood-drinking is still considered an intimate act, despite Nevra’s ‘swinger’approach to it. And that he’s aware it isn’t the most mainstream/popular/politesexual kink in El (check Ezarel’s ire in Episode 10 on him ‘chewing on’ one ofhis alchemists). That doesn’t mean he won’t stop trying though…

Blood doesn’t turn him on every single time. In fact, Nevra compartmentalizeshis reactions to it depending on the situation. For instance, if blood isspilled as a field injury, he jumps straight into Shadow Dad! Mode (see episode6), and all sexy/food-related thoughts are forgotten. This ability to switchmindsets on a dime indicates excellent self-control… and could be an adaptationto working with non-vampires who may get uneasy at spilling blood in front ofhim. Nevra even makes a joke in episode 8 (if you take him to the kitchen) thathe’s offended that the MC thinks of him as a ‘bloodthirsty beast’.

The effects of blood-drinking? (Canon Analysis)

According to one discussion in Episode 10, you can ‘turn’ into a vampire, but having avampire feed from you isn’t what causes it (at least, not on its own). So untilmore information comes to light, blood-drinking mostly seems like a funindulgence for Nevra, with no real long term consequences.

Nevra is implied to have the capacity to drink quite a bit of blood day after day, ifValkyon’s deadpan remark in Episode 4 is anything to go by. So anemia and even shock would be the most common health risks involved inblood-drinking besides infection (unsurprisingly). How much Nevra can drink ina single sitting is still up to debate, but he does have his principles andisn’t likely to drain partners to the point of shock. How else did he gainsuch a wide net of… voluntary donors?

His vampiric skills involved withblood-drinking? (Headcanon)

Like allvampires, he’s gifted with an extremely nimble tongue… which he uses to drink andpurr like a cat, never wasting a drop of blood and being finicky in lickinghis lips and fingers clean. And his partner’s skin, of course. Wheneverpossible, Nevra also avoids staining the bedsheets and his or his partner’sclothes; only amateurs are thatsloppy.

His nose isn’tjust good for sniffing out blood and fear from a quarter-mile away: theskin on the underside of his nose is highly thermosensitive (just like avampire bat), which allows him track rich arteries under the skin forprecision-bites, even in pitch darkness. His lips and fingertips too are packedwith biological thermo-sensors (not quite like a vampire bat). You cancompletely blindfold him, and he stillwon’t miss your carotid artery.    

Good news: his bites don’t hurt. This is because the razor-sharppoints of his fangs are the envy of swordsmiths and surgeons. Not to mentionthat they’re coated in a natural anesthetic compound found in his saliva. (Likevampire bats; how else do they sneak up on their prey and dine on them for half-an-hourwithout waking them up?) At most, if he’s really eager and/or careless thatnight, you’ll feel two tiny pricks where his mouth meets your skin. Rightbefore he distracts you with all the other things he’s doing.

The bad news: there are also natural anticoagulants in hissaliva that prevent blood from clotting easily. (How else can his people get a long drink?) So the only way to staunch thebleeding from his bite is to clean and bandage the wound, maybe tie atourniquet if it’s a deep one, then wait it out. Fortunately, he also offers thisservice as a courtesy.

Nevra has an uncanny way of estimating his partner’s bodyweight, and then approximating how much blood he can afford to drink from them withoutrisking shock. Sans instruments. Just try lying about your weight to him. Hehas an excellent eye for volumetric amounts and measurements, honed byexperience.

His sense oftaste is actually very poor—an adaptation among vampires to cope with theirpeculiar drink of choice–, so the bracing iron taste of fresh blood doesn’tmake a difference to him. As do many foods, though he won’t admit this toothers. (So if there’s any poison in his food or drink, he has to do his bestto sniff them out instead. And bet on his robust immune system to buy him enoughtime to reach his cache of antidotes.)

He has abody built for the bedroom, uh, I mean blood consumption: his liver cancope with very high concentrations of iron, and the lining of his stomachabsorbs excess water rapidly. His immune system also lends some credence to thelegends of ‘immortal’ vampires: allowing him to resist most common diseases,and rally quickly from pathogens in infected blood.      

How does he generally treat his partners whendrinking from them? (Headcanon)

I see blood-drinking as a fringe kink, fetish, and longtime socialpractice that Nevra’s people have. It combines food-play with sex, formalizesan intimate bond between individuals, and is even used as a form oftreatment in traditional medicine. (Why pointed fangs and an appetite for bloodbecame hereditary traits suggests some strong evolutionary benefits…but that’s for another day.) But Nevra, being a modern young vampire, prefersto apply blood-drinking as a form of tasty foreplay, to be carried outinside or outside the bedroom, with casual or serious partners. Drinking during sex though is what automatically flipshis high-voltage switch and unleashes the fireworks. From that point, it’s aone-way ticket to a wild night. Expect soreness and a tactical scarf the nextmorning.  

The mood to drink is never far from his mind once he startsgetting cozy with his partner, and Nevra is never shy about suggesting itthrough heavy innuendo, slow kisses that nibble lightly at their inner wrist orneck, or merely smiling and posing a two-word question that leaves no doubt onwhat he wants. Still, winning consent is a matter of honor for him, and henever tries to surprise partners with a bite, even if he has fed from them before.If they’re not keen on the idea at the moment, he may pout and try to cajolethem, but will ultimately accept their refusal.

Location is key: some arteries are in patently sexier placesthan others. Drinking from the wrist is the most chaste by far, whereasdrinking from the neck is getting pretty heavy (but still possible to dooutside the bedroom). And drinking from the inside of the thigh is savedstrictly for behind closed doors. Depending on Nevra’s mood, the state ofhis partner’s skin at that location (some places might still be healing fromprior bites), and/or the need to look halfway decent in public, he’ll switchbetween different areas.  

No matter his partner’s species, Nevra aims to keepblood-drinking safe, health-wise, as a point of pride and courtesy. (He of allpeople knows the risks involved with infection, blood-transmitted diseases,tissue scarring, anemia, and shock from blood loss.) So he’ll limit himself ifhis partner is on the petite side, and always spaces out feedings until they’rein optimal health again. And he’ll never so much as nip at his partner if they’rerecovering from an injury, are sick, or are susceptible to the health risksinvolved in opening a vein. Hearing that his partner consulted a doctor right aftertheir bedroom shenanigans will embarrass Nevra to no end. He is looking after them, he swears!  

He never goes anywhere without keeping one black silkhandkerchief in his pocket, just large enough to wrap around a neck or sveltethigh that’s been offered to him. Staunching the bleeding and covering up themarks of his teeth is what he considers his obligation, and he’ll be happy tolet partners keep the handkerchief afterwards; he’s a gentleman, after all.As a result, Nevra is on first-name basis with city tailors, mercers, andlaunderers from all the silk handkerchiefs he orders and washes—in bulk– everyfew months. Which he then keeps folded in one drawer of his bedside table. Forconvenient access.

Contrary to expectations, Nevra is automatically turned-offif partners tease him by flaunting fresh papercuts and knife-nicks, evenaccidental. In his book, it’s a crass way to snag his attention (not to mentionidiotic, from the infections they’re risking), so he’ll at most lecture themand bandage those cuts straightaway. Part of the allure in blood lies in itsmystery after all, flowing secret under the skin until he makes the firstpierce. He’s a bloodthirsty beast only some nights in the bedroom, thank you.

How does he behave if drinking from theGuardian for the first time? (Headcanon)

For all hisjokes, Nevra is very aware that this is a gesture of trust, especiallyfrom a non-vampire and a novice who isn’t fully familiar with the practice. Sohe makes a point to be reassuring, aiming to keep the experience comfortable,sensual, and enjoyable for both parties (even if he’s the only one who’ll befeeding). Because if he likes them enough… he’ll want them to return to offerhim a ‘second serving’.  

A privatelocation is really all he needs because this is the closest thing to aquickie that he can offer. But if there’s someone he’s looking to impress,he’ll take them straight to his room (prepped beforehand) where they can both befully comfortable, and he’ll be able to wash clean the bites. And where they’ll be free to indulge themselves a little more, if there’s time…

As with allpartners, he is very sensual whenfeeding, clasping the Guardian full against him and letting his hands wander. Teasingtheir skin first with kisses that grow increasingly less chaste, warming up hispartner in his arms while he tests out the best places to make an ideal bite. Fora first-timer, he’ll double this ‘warm up’ period until he’s absolutely surethat his partner is comfortable. And as turned-on as he is.

Just like anydentist, surgeon, or physician armed with a needle, Nevra never warns partnerswhen it’s actually time for him to make that bite: anticipation will only makethem anxious (and kill the mood). So the Guardian will still be lolling aroundin his arms and under the prints of his mouth, oblivious to what’s happening, until they suddenly feel that warm welling of their blood right where his mouthis fused determinedly against their skin. And when they freeze up, he’ll workto reassure them with his hands, his embrace, the pressure of his lips, and oneor two tactical noises of satisfaction, encouraging them (wordlessly) to relaxand enjoy the feel of his body against theirs. And not think too hard aboutthis moment.

For thisoccasion, he’ll keep the feeding light and neat, drinking from wrist or neckonly. After he staunches the bleeding with his ever-ready handkerchief, he’llpress a teasing kiss against the fabric right where his bite is, determined tomake the Guardian blush. And he’ll insist that they ‘hold onto thehandkerchief’, to not worry about returning it to him; it’s a standard gestureof magnanimity on his part, but for a first-timer, it’s also a way to give thema memento of this moment. To let them mull over what they did enjoy, andhopefully, return to him for a reprise…

If theGuardian is particularly concerned, he’ll oblige to answer what questions they have about health and sanitary concerns… as well as rumors they mighthave heard about vampires. But frankly, only the last part is fun for Nevra;giving medical explanations is always a tedious chore for him, so what answershe does offer are kept simple and reassuring. All they really need to know isthat he knows what he’s doing; they can trust him. He’s been doing this fora long while.

How does he treat longtime partners whom hedrinks from? (Headcanon)

Although infamousknown for biting casually, Nevra will restrict himself to drinking only fromhis partner if seriously involved with them. Feeding from others at this pointis akin to getting frisky with them, and thus putting one foot on the line ofinfidelity. For all his bad jokes and playboy reputation, Nevra’spartner is his very first preference for sharing such an intimate moment. Andif they’re really not in the mood to be nibbled at, he feels put-out.

They’ll start receiving naughty gifts… and not the expected type either. He’ll buythem scarves. Ascots. Satin opera gloves. Plus a healthy supply of dark silkhandkerchiefs for them to keep in their room, chokers and thigh garters made ofsatin or black lace, and velvet wrist corsages each pinned with a singleblood-red rose. All to cover up the bite-marks he left on their skin as theyheal… and remind him pleasantly of ‘what he did’ at their last encounterwhenever he sees them. When they’re alone, Nevra likes to slip these tacticalgifts an inch or two lower just to peek at, stroke, or kiss the marks he left behindthe other night. What a horny bastard.

He’ll be more open to gentle, affectionate blood-feedings.And if he’s having a rotten day, and his partner is the one who offers him a drink,his mood is guaranteed to shoot up by several notches. For once, he won’t dropsly suggestions to continue to the bedroom immediately, instead being perfectlyhappy to cuddle or spoon them in silence wherever they are. A blood-feeding maybe a sexually-charged gesture, but it can become an act of solace and caring ifoffered by a partner he trusts. One he won’t forget for a while.

He certainly won’t say no to his partner bitinghim back, even if their teeth are flatter and can’t (or won’t) pierce his skin; it’s the sensation that counts. And he himself is very sensitive around the crook of his neck. Still, Nevra prefersto do most of the biting—to draw blood or simply to tease. He has the right teeth, and knows how to be the boss use them for maximal mutual pleasure. 

For a darker take on how Nevra might react to blood spilled on the battlefield, check out this pure headcanon. 

[moiraineswife]

can you do the ship meme you answered with philippa and whoever else you'd like to answer it for please?

u can indeed!!!!!! i’m going to take advantage of you nonnie and answer this with the last two f/f ships I haven’t done yet. (since I’ve already done Sheala and Triss it seems reasonable to just make things neat and complete) 

Philippa/Yennefer (bc……………yes) 

falls asleep on the couch- Probably Yennefer tbh. Phil has been ranting for a solid 20 minutes about some grievance/scheme/plot/plan/combination of the above and like, pauses for breath/Yennefer’s input only to discover Yennefer dozing in blissful ignorance on the couch in front of her, not taking in a word (Phil would be highly miffed if she didn’t look so adorable in her sleep) 

makes friends with the neighbors- They’d probably mostly keep themselves to themselves but Yennefer will make polite small talk with them if approached by them in the street (and she’ll frog-march Phil away from them if she so much as opens her mouth in their presence…….She will, however, happily allow Phil to aggressively make out with her in front of any neighbours  who disapprove of them, however. The opportunity is just too good to miss (she draws the line at allowing Phil to invite them over for dinner one night, she’s pretty sure they’ll have a heart attack, which is either going to be induced by Phil fingering her at the table or slipping poison into their soup. Depends on her mood.) 

is the adventurous eater- Probably Yennefer. I can see Phil and Yen getting a little restless and travelling quite a lot together. Yennefer would want to try all the delicacies in the new places they were in. (Phil refuses point blank…….unless Yennefer innocently suggests that she can try licking them off of her, then she gets much more interested) 

hogs the covers at night- Tbh they probably both have a tug-of-war every night because they both want them. Phil yanks them off Yen, Yen yanks them off Phil, growling is done, sex is probably had nine times out of ten and then they collapse in a messy heap together, too tired to argue over the covers. Problem solved. 

forgets to do the dishes- Phil. Yen has never described herself as a neat-freak, and never will, but Phil takes messiness to a new level. “I was going to get them eventually, Yenna, don’t fuss.” “Phil, things were breeding on it.” “……..Anyway.” 

tries to surprise their partner more often- Yennefer probably like, makes vague attempts at romantic surprises early on in their relationship and then……gives up. I just can’t see Philippa having a single romantic bone in her body, seriously. Even if she genuinely adores her partner it just…..Doesn’t work. She will make an effort for Yen’s birthdays, though (usually) because she likes being spoiled and fussed over every now and then, and Phil knows that. And when she actually tries she can do the whole romance thing really quite well (she just….doesn’t quite see the point in it. but baby steps, baby steps) 

leaves dirty laundry on the floor- Both of them. It gets aggressively torn off and discarded as they make their way to the bedroom. By the time they’re done with each other, neither of them really feels inclined to tidy up after themselves. (Bonus: Phil wearing Yen’s shirts the next morning (bc i picture Phil being extremely!smol and this image Pleases Me (and Yen))) 

stays up til 2 AM reading- Philippa omg. Yennefer grumbles about it because, ‘Phil, it’s 2am, will you please put the light out and sleep?’ To which the answer is, inevitably, ‘I’ve only got 124 pages left, Yenna, don’t nag.” To which the inevitable answer is Yennefer easing the book out of Phil’s hands, marking the page, closing it and placing it on the bedside table, and kissing her deeply before she can complain. 

sings in the shower- Probably Yennefer. She doesn’t always know all the words and it goes from like, enthusiastically yelling the words to like…vaguely mumbling the bits she doesn’t know…to enthusiastically yelling again. Phil is either deeply amused by this or vaguely irritated, depending on how much sleep she’s had/how sore her head is/how well her latest Scheme is going.) 

takes the selfies- Yennefer probably takes slightly more than Phil but I actually can’t see her going overboard with them? Just a few every now and then at special events and stuff. This is…Another thing that Phil is a bit like ‘No’ on. Unlike the romance thing this is something that she just…Won’t bend on. (She does, grudgingly, allow other people to take their picture for them if they’re out together…and tries not to grimace too much (she inevitably looks like she’s just swallowed a lemon but she insists that she’s trying)) 

plans date night- Hmm, they probably take turns, actually? They get a date about and the other just completely goes with what they want to do and let’s them totally run it. Phil’s are usually fancy restaurants with stunning views that Yenna is just sort of…okay who did you murder to get us in here, Phil? (Philippa just smiles rather disconcertingly, and even more disconcertingly doesn’t answer) Yennefer probably gets tickets to see some performance or other that’s in town and then back to the house for wine, dinner, and sex. 

and finally, the delightful tiny crack!ship interesting to a grand total of me, me, and me: Philippa/Assire: (idk either, i have no explanation, don’t look at me, just go with it) 

falls asleep on the couch- Right, I’m not saying that Assire slipped a light sleeping potion into Philippa’s tea because she hadn’t slept in about three days and Assire was getting worried but….Phil snuggled down and fell fast asleep on the couch about two minutes after finishing the drink Assire sweetly  made for her and insisted she take while it was still hot so like…draw your own conclusions. 

makes friends with the neighbors- Assire makes shy, polite conversation whenever they pass in the street (while repeatedly stamping on Phil’s foot to stop her interjecting with sardonic commentary. She just mutters her comments directly into Assire’s mind via telepathy instead and the poor girl spends the entire thing not to snort with laughter at Phil’s…Insights.)  

is the adventurous eater- Assire adores spicy food, the hotter the better, and she takes great delight in feeding it to Phil every now and then and watching her turn scarlet and reach for a glass of water. Assire isn’t fussy at all, there’s probably a grand total of like three things in the world she doesn’t like, and two of them she will make herself eat to be polite.  

hogs the covers at night- Phil the blanket burrito strikes again. Fortunately, Assire doesn’t really mind this because she always tends to be quite hot at night, and Phil has a nice habit of tugging the covers off of her just as she’s starting to get too hot. So instead of grumbling, Phil gets a grateful little kiss on the side of her head and they both go back to sleep. 

forgets to do the dishes- Philippa. Assire is very neat and very tidy and basically scoops the dishes out from under Philippa the second she’s finished the last bite of her food so that she can wash them up. There is not a spec of dirt anywhere in Assire’s house. (She got so pissy with Phil one time she flew straight in through the window and got rain and feathers EVERYWHERE. Phil has not done so again. One does not piss off Assire, even if one is Philippa Eilhart) 

tries to surprise their partner more often- Omg Assire does but it probably backfires spectacularly because she’s probably just !!! i have a surprise for you! And Phil is all ;) mhm? what might that be? ;) and Assire just, I’ve adopted a cat! And Phil is just……….you have got to be kidding me. And it’s literally the ugliest cat Philippa has ever seen in her entire life, half-chewed off ears, riddled with fleas, matted fur, skinny as anything, but Assire is looking at it like it’s a priceless treasure and telling Phil that she found it outside all alone, with no-one to take care of it. So now they’ve adopted it. And Phil is just like ???? you are too pure how did I ever fall in love with u?(Also Phil is totally allergic to the cat, and it hates her as much as she hates it…but it’s also crafty af like her so it will curl up in her lap and purr and be all over her and Assire is so happy because “look, he likes you Pippa!!” Phil is looking into its demonic yellow eyes knowing full-well it’s only doing this to get her covered in cat hair so she spends all night sneezing. And she just glowers down at it and grinds out through gritted teeth, “Yes, he does, isn’t that lovely?” Meanwhile she’s planning about six different ways to poison it without Assire noticing (she never does but dammit she’s tempted) Also, apparently Assire attracts scheming devil-beasts and somehow manages to tame them? there you are))  

leaves dirty laundry on the floor- Philippa does and Assire gets grumpy (and also the cat sleeps on them, to further infect her with its fluff) So between Assire’s disapproval and the demon-cats scheming, Phil starts tidying up after herself a little more, cursing both of them to high heaven. 

stays up til 2 AM reading- Actually probably both of them? Philippa is probably researching while Assire is reading some fictional book that keeps making her cry (she concludes her research at a reasonable time, the night is devoted to pleasure reading), but they’re both up and in the same room and they both have that kind of ‘I’m starting, I’m finishing it’ type of mentality? (Assire is the one who stops Phil reading though, because her book comes to an end while Philippa gets caught up in an endless circle of checking this and that and the other and Assire just, no reading time is over it’s time for bed now, Philippa)  

sings in the shower- Assire probably sleepily mumbles something without really realising she’s doing it when she takes morning showers (it takes a little while for her to wake up) 

takes the selfies- Probably neither of them, tbh. Assire is too shy and Philippa is too…not bothered. They don’t have very many pictures of themselves, and Assire is always a little bothered by that fact and tries to get more taken of them. Philippa indulges her bc Philippa does not say no to Assire about anything. 

plans date night- Philippa plans them when they actually go out but sometimes Assire will just announce that it’s date night to stop Philippa working. When Assire plans it, it basically just consists of her deciding she’s feeling distinctly underappreciated and she cooks Philippa some nice food and then spends the night sitting on her so that they spend some quality time together with absolutely no interruptions for work/scheming. 

[fantazeerps]

Mox Meni’s Many Amenities

5e Edition!

For people who actually trust her, Mox supplies Trinity City’s guild with all manner of alchemical goods to fund her more important research.

[TABLE OF CONTENTS]

Ctrl+F and type in the numbers or the words for ease of searching

01: Survival Tools: Things to help your adventures through the world a little easier.

02: Weapons: Deal damage and inhibit your foes.

03: Medicines: Undo what’s been done to your poor character

04: Potions and Poisons: Prepare for anything with some magical juice

05: Wondrous Items: High-class mystical junk.

06: The Top Shelf: Too dangerous to give out willy-nilly.

07: The Bargain Bin: For silly and fun stuff!

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01: Survival Tools

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Sunrod: “All the usefulness of the sun, none of the downsides.” Foot-long stick that can be activated as an action. Generates bright light out to 30ft, dim light for 30 more ft, for 6 hours. Price: 2gp/stick.

Air Gum: “Made with air freshly picked from your local wind farm.” Crunchy gum that provides 1 minute of breathable air so long as it’s chewed. The chewer cannot speak or open their mouth during this time, though, or the air escapes and the gum becomes useless. A package of air gum has 4 pieces. Price: 50gp/package.

Rope Gum: “Fun to chew if you hate having teeth.” A fingernail-sized pellet that, when vigorously rubbed between the hands for 1 round, explodes into 30ft of soft and spongy but durable rope. In all respects it is a 30ft coil of hempen rope. Dissolves into nothingness after 8 hours. Also comes in a 60ft, 90ft, and 120ft coil version. Price: 5gp/pellet, +5gp per size increase.

Mending Glue: “The quicker fixer-upper.” This small squeeze bottle is essentially a Wand of Mending with 6 charges, and takes 4 rounds to apply a charge. Price: 20gp/bottle.

Impact Gel: “Forgot to prepare Feather Fall again, eh?” A flask of milky white liquid that works itself into a froth within an instant of being exposed to air, forming a thick mass of impact-resistant foam that spreads into a wide mat. The mat is a 10ft square. Anything landing on the fluff reduces the damage they take from their fall by 15 or by half, whichever is more. Yes, you can throw it at the ground just before hitting it. Price: 30gp/flask.

Tindertwig: “Faster than flint, less cool than a magnifying glass.” They’re literally easy-strike matches. A box of tindertwigs contains 10. Price: 1gp/box.

Snuff Powder: “Like an off switch for fire.” A sack of brown powder that can be thrown into a fire to immediately snuff it. The sack instantly puts out all fire in a 10ft square when thrown as an action. Price: 30gp/sack.

Slurp Powder: “Like an off switch for water.” A sack of blue powder that can be used to clear out water and other dangerous liquids. When thrown into a liquid as an action, the powder instantly removes a 5ft cube of it, compacting all of it into a single pellet about as big around as a golf ball. If this pellet is smashed against a hard surface, all the absorbed liquid comes spraying out at once. Price: 50gp/sack.

Shush Oil: “I heard you coming from a mile away in that platemail. Have I got an item for you...” A beaker of slick, silver oil. Applying this to one’s armor takes 10 minutes, but allows the wearer to make Stealth checks without disadvantage for wearing clanky armor. Someone not wearing heavy armor can also coat the bottoms of their feet with it, granting them advantage on Stealth checks. Both uses last 8 hours. Price: 120gp/beaker.

Drow Drops: “Lets you see in the dark AND look 40% edgier in one go.” An eye-dropped filled with a pitch black fluid that turns your eyes entirely black. Grants the user Superior Darkvision (60ft) but afflicts them with Sunlight Sensitivity for 6 hours. Can be washed out with water and 1 minute of work. Price: 60gp/dropper.

Smokestick: “Portable cover. Makes you look really cool if you stick it in your mouth.” A finger-length brown stick that can be activated as an action, creating a thick smoke cloud in the user’s space, rendering them heavily obscured. Can also be thrown up to 15ft to cloud another space. Smokestick billows smoke for 4 rounds, then is used up. Smoke lingers for only 1 round. Price: 20gp/stick.

Smogstick: “Don’t stick this in your mouth, I can’t sign another god damn waiver.” A foot-long pole of rough, waxy wood that explodes when struck or thrown against a solid surface, creating a 15ft cube of fog (as Fog Cloud) for 1 minute. Price: 60gp/stick.

Breatheright Rag: “If you can ignore the smell and feeling, it’ll save your life.” Oily, bitter-smelling rags wrapped in wax paper. When pressed up to the face, it grants advantage on saves versus airborn poisons or diseases, vile odors, spores, lethal gasses, and other such annoyances. This operates against any particles or gasses in the air, from the spores of Yellow Mold to the mists of a Stinking Cloud. A Breatheright Rag lasts for 10 minutes before drying up and becoming useless. This timer starts the moment it is unwrapped, and it cannot be preserved. Price: 90gp/rag.

Super Sniffer Spritz: “Think of it like a whetstone for your nose.” A bottle of nasal spray that burns horribly when applied in a way you can never get used to. Blows your sinuses completely out--good for if you’re stuffed up! Grants you Keen Smell for 4 hours; you have advantage on Perception checks involving smells. A bottle has 2 uses in it. Price: 260gp/bottle.

Instant Coffee: “Sometimes you have to settle for poor quality. I’ve tried to make it taste good, at least.” A small paper tube containing gritty brown powder. Turns into a fine cup of coffee when added to warm water. A dose of this coffee allows someone to ignore 1 level of Exhaustion they have. Multiple doses do not stack, but they can be taken back-to-back to extend the effects. A package of Instant Coffee has 4 doses. Price: 5gp/package.

Niche Stuff: “Don’t wanna bloat the list any more than I have.” You need some really niche stuff? Deodorizer, reodorizer, allergen bombs, fertilizer, black powder, stink bombs, cleaning fluid, cool inks and dyes, The Stank, etc etc? Just ask and I’ll slap a price tag on it.

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02: Weapons

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Alchemist’s Acid: “The bread and butter of any good kit, really.” A flask of green fluid that boils dangerously when exposed to air. Can be thrown as an action at anything up to 20ft away, dealing 1d10 Acid damage on a direct hit. Can also be poured on an unattended, unmoving object to deal 10 Acid damage to it. Price: 10gp/flask.

Alchemist’s Fire: “Same bread, fancier butter.” A flask of red fluid that ignites on contact with air. Can be thrown as an action at anything up to 20ft away, dealing 1d4 Fire damage and setting the poor fool on fire. They take 1d4 more Fire damage at the start of their turn, and can put themselves out by making a DC 10 Dexterity check. Price: 20gp/flask.

Alchemist’s Ice: “An acquired taste of bread and butter.” A flask of blue liquid that frosts over almost instantly on contact with air. Can be thrown as an action at anything up to 20ft away, dealing 1d8 Cold damage and reducing the victim’s movement speed by 10ft for 1 round. Can also be poured over water to instantly freeze a 5ft surface that is stable enough to stand on. Price: 40ft/flask.

Alchemist’s Lightning: “Toast and butter.” A flask of white liquid that sparks and arcs like one of those cool lightning globe things. Can be thrown as an action at anything up to 20ft away, dealing 1d8 Electricity damage and forcing the target to make a DC 10 Constitution save or be knocked prone as they seize up. Price: 50gp/flask.

Alchemist’s Thunder: “Hey, put your ear to this really quick.” An opaque clay jar filled with two sloshing liquids that mix explosively when the jar is broken. Can be thrown as an action at anything up to 20ft away, dealing 1d8 Thunder damage and forcing the target and everyone adjacent to them to make a DC 10 Constitution save or be rendered deaf for 1 round. Price: 40gp/jar.

Alchemist’s Hunger: “Had to simplify the name because no one knows what necrotizing fasciitis is yet.” A flask of unpleasant-looking red muck that houses an aggressive, flesh-eating agent. Can be thrown as an action at anything up to 20ft away, dealing 1d10+5 Necrotic damage on a hit. Price: 30gp/flask.

Mox’s Malice Flask: “Need something both dead and gone? Good news...” A larger flask of roiling green fluid that sounds like it’s giggling as it boils. Can be thrown as an action at anything up to 20ft away, dealing 3d10 Acid damage on a hit. Can be poured on an unattended, unmoving, nonmagical object to deal 30 Acid damage to it. Price: 80gp/flask.

Flash Pellet: “Make a quick getaway, or just open someone up for a good stabbing.” A small yellow pellet that can be thrown at a space within 40ft as an action. Creatures within and adjacent to the space hit must succeed a DC 12 Dexterity save or be blinded for 1 round. A creature cannot be blinded more than once per minute by a Flash Pellet. Price: 30gp/pellet.

Tangle Bag: “A throwable hug.” A brown sack filled with a snot-green, squirmy fluid. Can be thrown at any target within 30ft. On a successful hit, the bag bursts and turns into a sticky mess; the victim is Restrained until they make a DC 15 Strength check as an action to burst out of it, dissolve it with 1 gallon of alcohol, or wait 6 rounds, at which point it dissolves on its own. On a miss, the square it lands in becomes a sticky mess and is treated as difficult terrain. A creature entering the space for the first time or beginning their turn on it must make a DC 10 Dexterity saving throw or become grappled by the space (escape DC 15). The sticky patch fades after 6 rounds, releasing anything that hasn’t escaped. Price: 70gp/sack.

Stink Juice: “Made with my own sweat and tears. HAH just kidding; I don’t cry.” A vial of vile fluid that’s unbearably awful to smell. Can be thrown up to 20ft away as an action. Anyone hit by this gains the following flaw for 12 hours: “My horrific body odor makes it difficult for people to stand near me.” In addition, during that time, all creatures have advantage on Perception checks to smell/track the target. It can be washed off with 4 gallons of alcohol. Price: 30gp/flask.

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03: Medicines

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Antiplague: “Ipecac’s bigger, stronger, probably-been-in-jail-before brother.” EXTREMELY nasty-tasting fluid that gives advantage on saves to avoid becoming Diseased for 4 hours. If taken while you’re already Diseased, you instead make another saving throw against the effect with advantage. Price: 50gp/dose.

Antitoxin: “Ipecac’s smaller, scrappier, definitely-been-in-jail-before cousin.” Foul-tasting liquid that gives advantage on saves to avoid becoming Poisoned for 1 hour. If taken while you’re already Poisoned, you instead make another saving throw against the effect with advantage. Price: 50gp/dose.

Antifungal Agent: “For maximum fun, spray it on a Circle of Spores Druid.” A spray bottle filled with a dark yellow fluid. Can be spritzed as an action, instantly killing a 5ft patch of Brown Mold, Russet Mold, or Yellow Mold, and clearing a spritzed character of any fungal infection they may have going on (this includes the poisoning done by Yellow Mold). Against fungal creatures (such as Violet Fungi or Vegepygmies), they take 4d10 Necrotic damage from being sprayed, a DC 12 Constitution save halving it. One bottle has four spritzes in it. Price: 200gp/bottle.

Liquid Courage: “It’s mostly alcohol. Like 60%.” Tastes and looks like pure alcohol. Choking it down immediately ends the Frightened condition on you, and makes you immune to being Frightened for 1 hour. Price: 150gp/bottle.

Benevolent Bandages: "Little slimy but it’ll glue those cuts shut like nothing else.” Bandages soaked in a leafy green fluid and kept in a tin. When applied to one’s wounds during a short rest, one Hit Dice you spend during the rest heals for its maximum amount. Multiple “charges” of the bandages can be applied during the same rest to maximize multiple expended Hit Dice. One tin of Benevolent Bandages contains 4 charges. Price: 180gp/tin.

Soul Gum: “I promise it’s not made with real souls.” A pickle-flavored gumball the size of an infant’s fist. When chewed for 10 minutes, this gum undoes 20 points of permanent HP reduction (such as from disease, undead attacks, or necromantic spells). It’s impossible to speak clearly while the gum wad is in your mouth, and thus verbal spells cannot be used; it takes 1 full round to pull the thing from your mouth, and it immediately becomes useless if removed before the 10 minutes are up. Price: 300gp/gumball.

Naptime Needle: “Your express ticket to dreamland.” An epipen-like device filled with misty blue fluid. When injected into a willing target, they immediately fall asleep for 10 minutes. They can be awoken by taking damage or by being shaken, but if they stay asleep for the full 10 minutes, they’re treated as having taken a short rest. A character cannot benefit from another Naptime Needle until they complete a long rest. Price: 360gp/dose

Naptime Needle DX: “AHBUP-BUP-BUP, ONE per customer, per adventuring party. If news gets out I can make these I’m gonna be ordered to never STOP making them.” An epipen-like device filled with a navy blue liquid. When injected into a willing target, they immediately fall asleep for 2 hours. They can be awoken by taking damage or by being shaken, but if they stay asleep for the full 2 hours, they’re treated as having taken a long rest. A character can only benefit from a Naptime Needle DX once every 7 days. Mox does not advertise that she sells these; currently, only the headmasters and Poppy know they exist. Price: 2600gp/dose

—————-

04: Potions & Poisons

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Potion of Healing: “Come get y’all’s juice.” 2d4+2 HP on drank. Price: 50gp.

Greater Healing Potion: “Extra juice for you, and you, and you...” 4d4+4 HP, mmm-mmm creamy. Price: 150gp.

Superior Healing Potion: “Might as well get your blood replaced with the stuff at this point.” 8d4+8 HP, and ooh it’s vanilla-flavored! Price: 500gp

Supreme Healing Potion: “The most mold for your gold.” ... mold? Anyway, restores a whopping 10d4+20 HP on a sip. Price: 1500gp.

Perfect Healing Potion: “No one can make one better than me.” She doesn’t actually make these, as all of the ingredients are illegal. It won’t stop her from advertising it, though, just in case. Apparently restores the drinker to full HP and gives them 30 temporary HP.

Potion of Climbing: “AKA Monkey Juice.” A gritty gray liquid that grants its drinker a climb speed equal to their walking speed and advantage on Athletics (Strength) made to climb or stay stable while climbing. Its benefits last for 1 hour. Price: 30gp.

Potions of Resistance: “A big rainbow of ‘don’t touch me.’“ One potion for each element (Fire, Cold, Electricity, Acid, Thunder, Force, Psychic, Necrotic, and Radiant) that grants you Resistance to that element for 1 hour when drank. Price: 250gp/each.

Steelskin Sip: “You’ll feel INVINCIBLE! You aren’t, but you’ll feel like it.” Looks like solid steel while sitting in the bottle until you shake it. Drinking it causes your entire body to become metallic, granting you Resistance to physical damage for 1 hour. Price: 250gp.

Potion of Animal Friendship: “This is no excuse to skimp out on your Ranger training.” Drinking this allows you to cast Animal Friendship (DC 13) at will for one hour. Price: 150gp.

Embiggening Elixir: “Live as the giants do.” Causes the drinker to Enlarge for 1d4 hours. No concentration is required. Sold in a comically tiny bottle. Price: 270gp.

Shrinking Shot: “Live as the mice do.” Causes the drinker to Reduce for 1d4 hours. No concentration is required. Sold in an unnecessarily large bottle. Price: 270gp.

Potion of Water Breathing: “Live as the fish do.” Allows the drinker to breathe underwater for 1 hour. Causes them to sprout gills on their throat and sides. The bubbles in the potion look like fish. Price: 150gp.

Joy Juice: “This’ll fix just about anything but your wounds.” A bubbly, happy, golden drink that makes everything feel like it’s going to be okay. Cures all diseases and removes the Blinded, Deafened, Paralyzed, and Poisoned conditions. Price: 300gp.

Fog Bottle: “Why just put your HEAD in the clouds?” For 1 hour after drinking, your body dissolves into fog as if you were using the Gaseous Form spell. No concentration is required. You can end the effect as a bonus action. Price: 260gp.

Potion of Heroism: “Liquid Courage, now alcohol-free!” A shining white-silver fluid that makes you feel like you can do anything (and is still mildly alcoholic). You gain 10 temporary HP for 1 hour. In addition, you add +1d4 to every attack roll and saving throw you make for 1 hour. Price: 300gp.

Iron-Fist Elixir: “Lets you use a steel girder as a punching bag.” This heavy fluid causes all of your unarmed attacks to deal +3 damage for 1 hour. Price: 500gp.

Potion of Mind Reading: “Don’t tell the guildmasters I still sell this.” Drinking this potion grants you the Detect Thoughts spell, though its minute-long duration can be interrupted with damage as though you were concentrating on it. Price: 300gp.

Potion of Flying: “Watch for low-hanging ceilings and monsters.” Sold in a bottle with a pair of wings that floats an inch off the ground if not held. Grants you a fly speed equal to you walking speed for 1 hour. When it wears off, you fall unless you have some means of staying up. Price: 1100gp.

Invisibility Potion: “The bottle is also invisible.” The bottle is also invisible, but you can still feel it. Makes you and everything you’re wearing or carrying invisible for 1 hour. Ends if you attack or cast a spell. Price: 900gp.

Muscle Mix: “Sun’s out, guns out!” For 1 hour after drinking, your Strength score is treated as 21. Remember to write down your old Str score for when it wears off! Sold in a bottle decorated by a flexing arm. Price: 200gp.

Muscle Mix X: “Perfect for lifting the couch to clean under it.” For 1 hour after drinking, your Strength score is treated as 25. Sold in a bottle decorated with two flexing arms. Price: 400gp.

Muscle Mix DX: “Perfect for lifting the room to clean under it.” For 1 hour after drinking this, your Strength score is treated as 27. Sold in a bottle decorated by two flexing arms; the muscles on the left arm are also flexing. Price: 1000gp.

Muscle Mix EX: “Could the gods create a rock so big that they couldn’t lift it? Yes, and then you’d lift it.” For 1 hour after drinking this, your Strength score is treated as 29. Sold in a bottle decorated by two flexing arms; the muscles on both arms are also flexing. Price: 2400gp.

—————-

05: WONDROUS ITEMS

————

Perfume of Bewitching: “BLERFUGH THAT’S WORSE THAN THE STINK JUICE” You can use an action to spritz yourself with this pink perfume, the scent lingering for 1 hour after. While it lingers, you have advantage on all Charisma checks made against Humanoids with a CR of 1 or lower. No one exposed to its effects becomes aware they’re being mystically manipulated. Each bottle has 3 spritzes. Price: 120gp.

Alchemy Jug: “My faaaavorite...” A huge ceramic jug filled with a multitude of magical fluid that can become a whole bunch of different fluids, such as oil, water, beer, and mayonnaise. Just read this. Price: 350gp.

Dust of Disappearance: “Where’d you go?! just kidding! I can always see you.” Fine sand kept in a paper package. When the dust is thrown into the air as an action, you and everything within 10ft of you becomes invisible for 2d4 minutes. Attacking or casting a spell ends the invisibility for that creature. Price: 380gp/package.

Thousand-Face Elixir: “Cup of Doppleganger blood, bit of Mimic spit, pinch of salt and a dash of pepper-pepper-pepper...” The bottle is decorated with several dozen faces belonging to different races. Gives the user the effects of the Alter Self spell for 1 hour, no concentration required. Price: 700gp.

Salamander Sauce: “Proudly made with real salamanders! The monster, not the animal.” One bottle of this spicy, red fluid contains two doses. By drinking one dose, you gain Resistance to Cold damage for 8 hours. If you drink both doses, you become immune to Cold damage but vulnerable to Fire damage for 8 hours. If you consume three or more doses before taking a long rest, you must succeed a DC 14 Constitution save with every dose, or gain a level of Exhaustion. Price: 500gp.

Subzero Sauce: “For those days where everything is on fire.” Reversed version of Salamander Sauce; grants Resistance or immunity to Fire but causes Cold vulnerability. Price: 500gp.

Philter of Love: “You’re making a mistake.” Mox sabotages all her Philters so their effects end 1 round after they begin and makes the drinker aware of what they had drank. There will be no creepy love potions in this city! There is no way for an observer to realize that the Philter has been sabotaged. Price: 500gp/bottle.

Oil of Slipperiness: “Don’t tell me what you use this for, please.” An extremely slick orange gloop kept in a glass bottle that can be smeared on a Medium creature over the course of 10 minutes (it takes one more dose per size category to cover critters larger than Medium). Any creature slathered in the Oil gains the effects of the Freedom of Movement spell for 8 hours. Alternately, you can hurl it at the ground to cover a 10ft square with the Grease spell for 8 hours. Price: 1600gp/dose.

Oil of Sharpness: “Only shake this if you don’t want your hands.” A metallic, slick oil that seems to have tiny knives floating in it. This oil can coat one slashing or piercing weapon, or 5 pieces of slashing or piercing ammunition. This oil takes 1 minute to apply but lasts for 1 hour. Weapons coated are treated as magical and have a +3 bonus to attack and damage rolls. Price: 999gp/dose.

Dark Brew: “Now this is coffee.” A stone cup of black coffee that’s always warm. Grants the drinker the benefits of the Haste spell for 1 minute (no concentration required), including the crash when it ends. Price: 2000gp/cup.

Bottled Vitality: “A nip of life’s essence to restore your own.” A red liquid that dances in its bottle, pulsing as though it had a heartbeat. Cures all Exhaustion and removes Poisoned and Disease. For 24 hours after drinking, you regain maximum HP per hit dice you spend during a rest. Price: 2100gp.

Nearly-Universal Solvent: “It could melt everything in the universe if our universe was made of glue and wood.” A milky white fluid contained inside an polished stone container. One dose of Universal Solvent dissolves 10 square feet of adhesives (webbing, Tanglefoot Bags, Sovereign Glue, etc) and rids the square of any substance that’s countered by alcohol or Acid damage. It does 1 point of Acid damage to any flesh it touches and deals no damage to stone or glass, but deals 35 Acid damage to everything else. A dose lingers for only 1 round before dissolving entirely. Mox does not advertise that she sells this, though the guildmasters know. Price: 2800gp/container.

Slap Belt: “Look, look, no--no really, look, you can barely see OR feel the needle--” A semi-magical belt with two little bubbles on the side that can be filled with potions (or any magical liquid, really; yes this includes the coffee). Each holds one dose and takes 1 minute to fill up properly. These bubbles allow the potions within to be used on the wearer as a bonus action, by pressing down on them and injecting the potions directly. Price: 1500gp/belt.

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06: THE TOP SHELF

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You’re not gonna get these with money. These things are so powerful and so dangerous that she not only doesn’t advertise she sells them (aside from one bottle of Sovereign Glue she keeps as decoration), but they’re impossible to buy. Their Price is universally “One Plot Coupon,” meaning only permission from a DM can get you one.

EXTREMELY Heavy Duty Cleaning Solution: “If this can’t get the stain out, it can’t be gotten out.” The purest acid that a mortal can create that’s still safe to handle. A spray of this substance can arc up to 30ft away and causes everyone and everything within a 10ft cube to take 8d10+30 Acid damage, which can be halved on a successful DC 15 Dexterity saving throw. Creatures killed by this blast are entirely melted. Immediately eliminates all forms of terrain hazard and difficult terrain by smoothing out the affected ground (though at the DMs discretion, the sudden erasure of terrain may cause more problems) and destroys dead bodies caught in the area. Has no effect on metal or magical items but will give them a very thorough polishing. One container of EHDCS contains 4 sprays. A creature carrying the container and spraying module for the EHDCS has disadvantage on Dexterity checks and saving throws, and it can only be fired when worn.

Mox’s Marvelous Pigments: “Don’t like the world? Paint a new one.” Just read this b/c jesus christ.

Oil of Etherealness: “One bottle of dissociation, coming right up!” This misty fluid evaporates quickly when exposed to the air. Applying this Oil takes 10 minutes, and one dose can cover a Medium creature (+1 dose is required for every size category above Medium), and grants the user the benefits of the Etherealness spell for 1 hour.

Sovereign Glue: “This stuff can glue Trinity City to the ground. Permanently.” One squirt of Sovereign Glue can cover 1 square foot of space, and takes 1 minute to set. Once set, nothing can break the bond except for Universal Solvent, EHDCS, or Wish. A bottle contains 4 squirts.

Adamantine Admixture: “You’ll feel invincible and actually be invincible.” Grants the drinker immunity to all forms of damage for 1 minute.

Muscle Mix MAX: “Carry the world on your shoulders.” For 24 hours, you become Huge if you’re not already larger. Your Strength score becomes 29 if it’s not already higher, your hit point maximum is doubled (your current HP is also doubled), and your melee reach increases by 5ft. Everything you’re carrying is similarly enlarged; when you roll for damage with a weapon attack, roll three times the normal dice (3d8 for a longsword, 6d6 for a greatsword, 3d12 for a greataxe, etc). When the effect ends, any HP you have that’s over your maximum become temporary HP.

Truly Universal Solvent: “Yes, I can make it. No, I won’t. ... Why? I’ll tell you why:” A truly universal solvent cannot be contained in anything. Any dose she creates immediately burns through everything it’s held in, and dissolves into caustic gas (as Cloudkill cast at 9th level) after 1 round. Just settle for the lesser versions.

Vital Vitality: “Eternal life, in my hands.” When combined with even a fraction of a dead body (even a single finger or toe will do), one of Mox’s briny boilers, and 7 days of patient waiting, it imitates True Resurrection for the dead fool.

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07: THE BARGAIN BIN

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A whole bunch of fun stuff Mox makes to kill time. It has no real in-combat or in-adventure use aside from providing flavor to an adventure.

Mox’s On-The-March Meals: “For the adventurers with no time to camp.” Small pills of compacted sour-smelling powder kept in a leather bag. Reconstitutes itself into a nutritious but bland mush in vaguely recognizable shapes (such as cabbage heads, bread loaves, steak cuts, etc) when exposed to moisture. Pills can be swallowed directly to have them reconstitute in the stomach and avoid the taste altogether. Eating more than one at a time is not recommended. Each package contains 10 meals-worth of pills. Price: 2gp/package.

Polyhue Pill: “Taste the rainbow. Be the rainbow.” Eating this pill causes your skin to cycle through numerous bright colors, changing to a new one every minute. By concentrating as an action, you can ‘freeze’ the current color onto your body and maintain it so long as you remain concentrating on it, as though it were a spell. These effects last for 1 hour. Price: 1gp/pill.

The Sauce: “Live like a goblin for a short and glorious time.” A pretty pink squeeze bottle decorated by “THE SAUCE” written in cursive above a winking goblin’s face. A dose of the Sauce applied to anything will make it delicious enough to eat without a problem, even if the eater doesn’t normally like the food in question, or if the food is violently rotted, or is a substance entirely unsuited for consumption. It does not protect the eater from any consequences their meal may have. A bottle contains 10 doses. Price: 5gp/bottle.

Nighty-Night Knight Juice: “Turn even a moldy dungeon floor into a 5-star inn.” A tiny stone cup of sweet-smelling, sweet-tasting juice that’s just delightful to drink. When drank by a willing creature, they fall asleep for 8 hours and have pleasant, soothing dreams, no matter the conditions they’re sleeping in. Price: 5gp/cup.

Prank Powder: “What’s a little lighthearted poisoning among friends?” Itching powder, sneezing powder, tickling powder, p a i n d u s t, ‘that awful static-y feeling like when you fall asleep on your arm and wake up with it bloodless’ powder... If you want it to cause a Sensation, Mox has a powder that can cause it for a short time. No, it will have no real effect if you throw it on someone during combat, but you can dumb it on your guildmate’s heads. Each pack contains two doses of powder. Price: 1gp/pack. 

Chilly Cream: “Not ‘chili’ cream; that’s different, and also the opposite.” Supercharge aloe vera that can heal sunburn immediately after being applied. Also acts as sunscreen, protecting the wearer from sunburns for 4 hours. A single tin has 4 doses, and 1 dose can cover a Medium creature. Price: 15gp/tin.

Chili Cream: “Not ‘chilly’ cream; that’s different, and also the opposite.” Supercharged... mysterious gel that soothes strained muscles and cramps. Provides peaceful warmth for its wearer for 4 hours. A single tin has 4 doses, and 1 dose can cover a Medium creature. Price: 15gp/tin.

The Morning Kiss: “I could buy an island with how much of this stuff I sell.” This golden pill becomes a fizzy, amber drink when dropped into water. Drinking this fluid cures hangovers of any intensity over the course of 10 minutes. Price: 3gp/pill.

Glowing Ink: “If you want to read in the dark.” Exactly what it says on the tin. Anything written in this ink glows softly and can be read even in complete darkness. The glow lasts forever. One vial can typically pen 10 pages of writing. Price: 1gp/vial.

Invisible Ink: “If you don’t want to read.” Anything written in this ink vanishes after 1 minute. The ink can be revealed by exposing it to a trigger, such as heat or a specific liquid (such as water or vinegar). You can pick the trigger, but it must be something simple. One vial can typically pen 10 pages of writing. Price: 5gp/vial.

Custom Invisible Ink: “If you don’t want anyone else to read, ever.” Anything written in this ink vanishes after 1 minute. The ink can be revealed with a very specific trigger you set, such as a specific flavor of wine or juice, water from a particular source, or the blood of a specific person. One vial can typically pen 5 pages of writing. Price: 30gp/vial.

Marker Dye: “Scientifically formulated to stain every conceivable surface and most inconceivable ones.” A dye that comes in multiple colors. Stains or marks from this dye are impossible to remove without water from the Elemental Plane of Water, which can be obtained via portal or by casting any spell which creates water in a slot of 5th level or higher. Loses its resilience after 1 year, at which point it can be scrubbed away like any mundane ink. If applied to skin, fades away after only 1 month. One dose can cover 1ft of surface, and a vial has 4 doses. Price: 40gp/vial.

Rust Dust: “Ever want to see a Fighter flip his shit?” This rusty red powder comes in a paper tube. Sprinkling it over any Huge or smaller item made of metal--regardless of whether or not it’s ferrous--causes a coating of rust to form over its entire surface. The “rust” is a harmless fungus that has no impact on the item’s function and can be washed off with a bit of work. The fungus dissolves after 1d3 days. Price: 10gp/tube.

Pleasant Pill: “I’m not legally allowed to comment on this item.” A pleasantly pink pill that tastes like pork. Taking it amplifies your tactile senses for around 8 hours, not enough to give you a mechanical bonus, but enough to make Certain Activities far more enjoyable. Sold in pairs. Price: 6gp/pair.

Fireworks: “I like to think myself above such petty goblin instincts but me like when thing go boom.” They’re fireworks! Get ‘em in any design you want. She can even make them spell things out, but that costs extra. Price: <1gp for most, but 25gp for a message of 25 or less letters.

Creams and Oils: “I got a cure for everything that ails ya.” Mox has a cream and oil for pretty much every situation. Growing hair, removing hair, stopping itching, starting itching, hiding scars, emphasizing them, stopping your coughing and sneezing or making it worse... Anything without direct mechanical benefit, she’s probably got a cream or oil for. Price: Basically nothing unless you buy in bulk. Then it’s like 1, maybe 2 gold.

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GOLEMS, GRAFTS, AND OTHER SPECIALTIES

-------

The writing on this portion of the menu is effectively illegible. Its several pages that are heavily redacted; what isn’t redacted is covered by a dozen or so stickers, papers, and scrolls, the newest and largest reading “FORBIDDEN BY THE ORDER OF THE TRINITY CITY GUILDMASTERS” and signed by all three of them. The oldest is seemingly carved into a sheet of adamantine as thin as paper, and in glowing letters it reads “FORBIDDEN BY DECREES 22~36--SIGIL COUNCIL OF MORTAL DECENCY.”

She seems to be collecting the different signage.

[kidolegend]

Renewals - A Prompto Argentum Fic (Part 12)

Previous | AO3 Link

This chapter was cute~ That is all.

Any reblogs, comments, moral support, constructive criticism, or just some hellos are always appreciated~

Tagging: @cupnoodle-queen @blindbae@paopuicecream@xnoctits@themissimmortal@poisonous-panda@noxfreyas@insomniascure@thegoddesseos@crossedquills@sailormars109@valkyrieofardyn@ultimoogle @drpepper280@decision-height@lithiumkatana17 @roses-and-oceans @sriracha-chocobo@thirsty-angst-lord @e-addi

Calls and Kwehs

It hadn’t taken much to convince Gladio and Ignis to help Aranea with her job in Galdin Quay--after all, they had received aid from her at Fort Vaullerey and were perfectly fine with returning the favor.

The next day, Aranea had the airship prepped and ready to go early in the morning. According to the call she received, there wasn't any immediate danger that needed to be dealt with--the daemons, while increasing in number and ferocity, were still pretty far from civilization.

“Are you sure you will be all right?” Ignis hadn’t seem convinced the Aylin was well enough to go.

“I’m good. I won’t get myself into trouble, I swear.” She reassured him.

“That may be true, however trouble often finds its way around quite easily as of late,” The strategist reasoned, a deep frown on his face. Aylin couldn’t be sure, but she had the nagging feeling the advisor was somehow scrutinizing her reaction behind his darkened spectacles. “Perhaps it would be wiser for you to proceed to Lestallum and aid us when we arrive there.”

“I dunno if I'd be much safer in a car or truck on these roads,” Aylin folded her arms, a little peeved. “Y’know, I can handle myself but if you really don't want me around, you can just say so.”

Prompto, Gladio, and even Aranea turned to the strategist, silently awaiting his response to such a candid remark.

Ignis had raised his eyebrows in surprise, his mouth open slightly. Apparently he was unnerved as they were. “That… was not at all my intention and I believe there was a misunderstanding. I was merely concerned for your safety and I apologize if my words were offensive.”

Aylin glanced around at the others and noticed the odd mix of amusement and shock on their expressions. She frowned, her eyes narrowing as she stared at the floor, almost as if she were replaying the last few moments in her mind.

Ignis--aware of the suddenly awkward atmosphere despite not having vision of the hilarious mix of emotions displayed around him--continued after clearing his throat. “If you truly feel you are well enough to join us then I have no qualms about the matter. However, should you have any doubt, please consider bowing out… at least until you are well again.”

“O-oh,” Aylin's face reddened as she realized how snippy her words had sounded in the face of his earnest formality. “Er, thanks. I appreciate your concern. Sorry, I sounded… Uh, I just… yeah.”

Ignis’ lapse of stoicism had ended and the corners of his lips turned up slightly. “Quite all right.”

Aranea shook her head at the group before turning on her heel. “Well, I’m heading to get food before we leave. Ship takes off in two hours so be there or it’ll leave without you.”

“Okay.”

“Gotcha.”

“Yup.”

Ignis dipped his head and followed after the dragoon, signaling to the others to come with if they wanted to eat as well.

Once Ignis had left earshot, Aylin approached Prompto and Gladio with a deadpan look on her face. “Uh, is he always so… worried? Like… All the time?”

“Yeah, worrying is his thing.” Gladio chuckled. “You guys coming or what?”

“Hm, in a bit. Gotta send off Treble and Bass.”

“Yeah, same.” Prompto waved, following Aylin to the makeshift pens they had created for the birds.

“...I hope Ignis isn’t mad at me.” Aylin muttered, a sheepish look on her face.

“Nah. Iggy worries like a mama chocobo, but you get used to it after a while. One of the perks of having a royal advisor around, I guess.” Prompto stretched his arms over his head, yelping as his bird took advantage of his vulnerability by pecking at his jacket. “Aww, c’mon, buddy. Don’t pull anymore studs out, I don’t have glue to put them back on.”

Aylin snorted, busy with her own two birds. “Don’t give Wiz a hard time, all right?” Treble and Bass regarded her with blinking eyes, much quieter than their pale blue counterpart. “And keep watch over Lucky, too--don’t exclude him.”

Prompto’s bird perked up at the sound of its name, giving a squawk and finally letting the blonde readjust his vest. “Ah, I just hope he doesn’t cause too much trouble for them...”

“Nah, they’ll be fine.” Aylin refocused her attention on the chocobos. Bass had stepped forward and dipped his head towards her and after stroking his feathers soothingly she leaned in, pressing her forehead against the bird’s beak. Both had their eyes closed and looked almost as if they were praying.

Prompto watched with fascination as Aylin turned to Treble and repeated the ritual, the white bird pressing her forehead against Aylin’s gently. The bird whistled, sounding a little sad to be leaving the young woman. Prompto’s fingers twitched--he felt the urge to capture the endearing moment on camera, but he also didn’t want to disturb the two. His moment of hesitation cost him the shot--by the time he had reached for his pocket they had both stepped back.

She scratched the back of her head, spotting Prompto staring at her with wide eyes. “Sorry about that. Uh, is Lucky ready to go?”

“O-oh,” The gunner jolted and whipped around back towards his own steed, his ears burning. Lucky had also watched the interaction and cocked his head cutely to one side. As Prompto reached out to readjust the saddle on his back, Lucky misinterpreted the motion and shoved its face forward in an attempt to mimic the other two birds.

The chocobo only succeeded in ramming its head into Prompto’s, sending the blonde sprawling backwards into the dirt with a shout. Lucky straightened back up immediately, flapping its short wings and squawking loudly in confusion.

“L-Lucky!!” Prompto scrambled back to his feet, a whine in his voice.

Aylin burst out laughing, covering her mouth and trying to disguise the fact that she had just snorted at the gunner. “Holy shit, are you okay?!”

Prompto’s lips were pressed together and his face was bright red. “Y-yeah, I just…”

Aylin was holding her side as she continued cackling at him, beyond amused. The blonde couldn’t help but smile at the mirth. “Gods, was it really that funny?”

“I-I’m sorry, but the look on your face, ahaha!” Aylin tried collecting herself, taking a deep breath and holding it.

Prompto found himself laughing too as the young woman tried and failed to contain her giggles. “Man, kinda wish I could have recorded that.”

“Ah, my stomach hurts from all the laughing, wow.” After a few more moments, Aylin was finally able to settle down, a cheerful grin still on her face. “Well, we should send the birds off and get something to eat. I’m hungry.”

“M’kay, sounds good.” Prompto approached Lucky a bit more cautiously, checking that the reins were secure one last time before giving the blue bird a hug. “Later, buddy.”

It didn’t take long for the three birds to trot off into the distance, but Prompto and Aylin waited until they had disappeared into the darkness before heading towards the diner.

“So, how’d you get your birds so well trained, Aylin?”

She shrugged. “I’ve known them since they were chicks. Since Lucky hasn’t spent as much time with you there’s still a bit of disconnect, but that’ll go away with time.”

Prompto tipped his head to one side. “Since they were chicks?”

“Yeah, Levant and I visited Wiz’s Chocobo Post for the first time during the spring, when the babies were hatching.”

“Aww, so Wiz let you pick out baby birds?” The blonde couldn’t help but be a little envious--the chicks were just so cute and fluffy!

“Actually no,” Aylin scratched the back of her head, a little embarrassed. “Wiz normally keeps the chicks in with their mothers after they hatch. Levant and I… We broke the rules.”

Prompto’s eyebrows raised in surprise. “Oh?”

“Yeah, we snuck into the stable area where all the mothers and eggs were.” She laughed at the memory. “Gods, we caused so much trouble… Anyways, we walked in right when these two were hatching and after they had imprinted on their mother they turned and spotted us. The rest is history.”

“Wow.”

“Wiz was so mad,” Aylin shook her head. “He knew we had gotten in when Treble and Bass decided to follow us out of their pen and all around the Post. But those kinds of bonds can’t really be broken so his hand was forced… We did favors like cleaning up the stables to make up for it, but the birds were ours.”

Prompto laughed. “I can’t believe it. I didn’t think you were such a troublemaker, Aylin.”

She shrugged again. “I mean, we were still young. Levant and I didn’t really get many opportunities to mess around when we were kids, so we got a little crazy once we got some freedom.”

“Oooh.” Prompto wasn’t entirely sure how to respond to her sad words “So...you and your brother didn’t really get to go out much?”

Aylin nodded, shuffling her feet. “Yup. We had… a strict household. My dad… he left for good when we were old enough to take care of ourselves.” There was something familiar behind her eyes, something Prompto recognized in his own expression.

She wasn’t telling the whole truth.

“I’m sorry,” He pursed his lips in sympathy. He couldn’t bring himself to feel any animosity over the realization--it would be hypocritical of him after he had done the same his entire life. Despite whatever secrets she might have been harboring, he trusted her.

Aylin hadn’t noticed his brief internal debate, continuing with her story. “Levant started working part-time once he got into high school to help with bills and stuff… He didn’t have much time to hang out with friends or be a normal teen, but he tried making sure I could have some of that freedom.”

“Sounds pretty rough…”

“It probably was. Lev never really talked about it, though. And I… I did what I could to support him, even when he insisted that I should ‘go on and enjoy being a kid.’” Aylin’s steps faltered and the two of them came to a halt outside the diner.

“You two were so close.”

“Mhm. I was sick a lot when we were little and Levant was the one who took care of me.” She cracked another grin. “He was almost like Ignis, with the way he’d nag and fuss. What about you?”

Prompto blinked. “M-me?”

“Yeah, I feel like I’ve blabbed on about my brother so much, but what about your family?”

“Ah, well…” The gunner looked down at the ground. He shuffled his feet, his throat suddenly dry and his hands sweaty as he tried to speak.

Aylin noticed how the conversation had taken a sudden turn and backpedaled, unsure of how to deal with the situation. “Er, actually, why don’t we go eat first? I mean, if you don’t wanna talk about it that’s totally fine.”

“I…” He took a moment to deliberate before nodded, a little defeated. In the back of his mind he could feel the self-doubt creeping up on him again. ‘I guess I’m still too scared.’

“C’mon, let’s go get some food.”

“...Yeah. Sorry, I… I don’t really feel like talking about it right now.” Prompto offered an apologetic smile, but it looked more like a grimace.

“Eh, don’t worry about it.” She waved a dismissive hand, an uneasy look on her face. Prompto couldn’t be certain, but it looked like Aylin was uncomfortable in difficult social situations.

It was a problem he knew all too well, having grown up with the same issues. Thankfully he was able to handle it better and changed the subject relatively smoothly as he ushered her into the diner. “So... what do you normally eat at Takka’s? I’m a huge fan of the spicy beans.”

The look of relief on her face was apparent and Prompto couldn’t help but be a little proud of himself. “Spicy beans? N-nah, I can’t handle too much spice.”

“Oooh, weak with spicy foods?”

Aylin flushed, but returned the jibe playfully. “Weak?! Says the person who got bowled over by their chocobo!”

“T-that was an accident and you know it!” He folded his arms, pouting.

“Suuure, wait until I tell Aranea and the others and we’ll see what they think.” She tipped her head towards the bar, where the others had turned to watch their bickering with varying degrees of amusements.

“What?! No way!” He gave a dramatic gasp. “You wouldn’t dare…”

“Hey guys, guess what just happened to Prompto outside?”

“Aylinnnnnnn!!”

[tumblunni]

Pokemon Petcare Headcanons

Because it is 4am and i cant sleep, I shall ramble!

~ Sneasel ~

(i already mentioned these before when talking about my oc, kinda)

* Sneasels are very social and will be heavily depressed if they can’t replace the pack dynamics they have in the wild. So they do well in a large party! * However, since they’re quite skittish it’s best to keep your new friend in a separate room for the first few days and introduce it to your other pokemon slowly. Letting them snuggle into another mon’s blanket helps them get used to their scent, and being able to groom their new friend or bring them prey offerings is the best way for your snea to show fealty to their new alpha. (Or, if they’re not gonna be an outside snea, just let them ‘hunt’ some food pellets, lol) * If a sneasel loses one of their feathers, they’re disabled as much as if they lost a limb. Surgically grafting on another feather or plastic replacement will help them keep their balance and be happy in their appearance at mating season, but nothing can replace the sensory input they usually process through these complex feather organs. Special sneasel hearing aids are currently in development at Devon Corp, but are far from becoming mainstream in the petcare community. * Pretty much all of these things are multiplied when taking care of a Weavile, so it’s advised to raise one from a Sneasel if you want to keep it as a pet. Their ears have become vestigal and they rely entirely on feathers to sense air vibrations. And, since usually an evolved type would become the alpha of the pack, their simultaneous clinginess and wariness is an even bigger problem! They'll become very territorial and struggle bonding with other pets unless they’re allowed to take a dominant role as the most important party member.

~ Ghost types ~

* They have trouble sleeping unless they’re somewhere dark and cosy. Many cases of being spooked by wild ghosts are completely accidental, they just love to hide under beds and inside cupboards! (I think the classic trope of bats bursting out of wardrobes in haunted houses would be filled by Gastly in this universe) In the petcare community, you can buy special hutches for your spooky bab, shaped like a coffin/breadbox sort of thing. Line it with some nice soft towelling, and place a hot water bottle in between the layers if you’re keeping Litwicks. Its technically not necessary to have a lid, since the ghost can just phase through the side. But sometimes you need to take it out even when it’s too shy to listen to you, e.g. when it’s time for the vet * Ghost types are generally fond of sugary foods, and it’s part of why they’re attracted to human settlements. People living in eterna city often get annoyed by wild gastlys phasing into their kitchen at night and knocking over the poptarts. They’re basically the local pigeons. * Broken electronics can be a fun play gym for pet Rotoms! Stack them up together and your plasma pal can have endless enjoyment zooming between them~! More complex electronics are like a longer maze to play in, and stuff that makes lights and sounds can occupy them for hours. But because of this, its reccommended to make their play area somewhere outside where they won’t wake you up at 3am. * Many ghosts might kinda drain the lifeforce of the living. But really, its a very manageable behaviour! Training your drifloon not to drag you to the underworld is just like teaching your meowth to use the litter tray. Don’t be harsh, the lil guy doesnt understand why it upsets you! And as for a litwick burning up your soul energy as a snack, as long as you don’t overfeed it you shouldn’t experience any longterm health problems. The only fatalities in the wild are from people who run into an entire pack of starving candles. One small pet only eats enough to make you feel mildly lethargic, and you’ll quickly get used to it. They only need to feed once per week, so you can simply set feeding time to the weekend, or whenever you need help sleeping. * Ghosts may try and tell you they can totally handle scary movies. There are no reported cases of ghosts being able to handle scary movies. Please hug your ghost closely.

~ Muk ~

* Despite its goopy appearace, Muk will not leave a slime trail if hugged. Their composition resembles a gigantic cell, they have a form of thin translucent ‘skin’ covering their slime that keeps it all held together, like a cell wall. So the componant parts of this liquid organism cannot separate unless it chooses to split, or if it takes serious damage. in summary. hugging your muk will not stain your clothes! You still might smell a little weird afterwards, though! * Car tyres are a nice treat to give your Muk while you teach it to do tricks. They usually eat only liquid pollution, rotten food, etc, and cannot consume anything too solid as they lack teeth. But rubber is nice and chewy while also being easy to dissolve with their gross poison spit. Its basically smog monster candy! * Alolan muks actually have teeth to consume solid food, but still it isn’t exactly healthy for them. They changed into this form from scavenging on less healthy heavier pollution, and it comes with a lot of health problems much like the extreme evolution of wild boar to domesticated pigs. Good free-range muk farms take the time to sort out the recyleable trash for them to eat, rather than risking them choking. But importing garbodors and heatmors to deal with the plastic and metal trash is a large expense for Alola’s government. * Despite being the personification of trash, Muk is also paradoxically one of the cleanest creatures. They’re able to harmlessly consume and deconstruct countless forms of dangerous waste that would otherwise take centuries to rot naturally. And they can even neutralize acids and radioacitivity! They take in all this gross stuff and output nothing but mildly stinky farts. (Kinda like intense disenfectant combined with petrol fumes) So, in the grand scheme of the universe, they clean way more things than they ruin! * Muks really like hugs. They’re like giant beanbags! Hug them!

~ Lurantis ~

* Remember to periodically groom any stray leaves that grow on your lurantis! Their mating displays involve whoever can most accurately imitate being a bug and not a flower. So they get very fussy and vain over any little twigs. * Lurantis lives primarily upon sap stolen from other trees, its kind of a parasitic plant that was so parasitic it grew legs and knife hands. All the better to eat you with! Honey is a nice equivelant that’s easier to acquire for a pet owner. * They also just straight up eat flowers. Berries, not so much, oddly! * Please be careful keeping a Lurantis around other grass types. Also around bug types, even though Lurantis looks like one and shares the same dietary habits, its still a plant. Lurantis’s entire evolution revolves around camoflaging as a bug type, but smart ones will eventually figure it out. Keep a good eye on them for the first few weeks and remember to squirt your spray bottle whenever they try and bite each other. (Put something smelly in Lurantis’s bottle, so it doesnt just think you’re kindly watering its leafs XD) * If your Lurantis plants itself in the ground and starts looking less alive than usual, don’t worry. They hibernate every now and again to photosynthesize, usually in cold temperatures. And their fleshy appearance is really just an optical illusion of an ambulatory plant, so it doesnt really look right when they return to regular plant mode. Don’t worry that its apparantly sleeping with its eyes open, those are just berries! Very emotive berries! With eyelids! * They also turn green during hibernation, so their shiny form is just a rare pigment issue where they can’t turn back. Technically any lurantis could ‘become’ a shiny after hibernating, but it’s very unlikely. * A good way to circumvent the annual winter hibernation is just to keep your Lurantis indoors with a warm radiator and a sun lamp. Either way you won’t be using it on your party as much, but studies have shown that staying awake year-round may actually be more healthy for them.

[glopratchet]

astryl-wondering

and screams at you, but he can't do anything about it since his body is possessed by sin and runs away from you, but not before you take off your pants and expose yourself to him and menacing goats eyes staring at you it belonged to a raving, psycho pervert and inside are the videos, lotions, oils, gels, ropes, chains, vibrators, masks, like a toyora tentacle and looks amused and proud of what's inside PELVIC BONE PUMPS: a favorite among the midgets OIL- OF RANCID VANILLA: a sweet flavored poison which drowns your screaming taste buds in sorrow dance, and playing with astryl's seminal seman as the tall grass in a veriety of disshal acts It changes by the second Hunger is a subtle word as it evokes images of yourself stranded in the desert, mouth caked with dirt and throat burning with sand and illegal drug use he runs a hand through his giant afro while deadly prostitutes surround him, offering their sweaty bodies and poisonous kisses he scarpers only to bump into several more tentacled beings, enjoying his suffering he continues his erratic running through the gritty ash and boundry of demonic dreams (Sigh) she's back In an effort to amuse herself and to mold wylde into someone more useful, Gwyn sends sverax out There is no peirced memory of why she does what the does or who she is with no recollection of being a driving idea maker but people tell him he is so who are you to tell them otherwise secretively or die so he tries to improve his life by forcedly swiss cheezing himself and trying not to press fabric against his sensitive african print showing red sky with demonic clouds, engorged with anointing waters and charged with static electricity--he's arriving in a part of the world, that is a spawn of some evil weatherman with additional fog making it's own thoughts (Sigh) this really wasn't part of the plan making all of it's knowledge available to astryl who appears not to take advantage of this at all but it doesn't seem to be the kind people like are counted to a dozen or more attractive and magnificently ghastly of thin canine bodies with additional long kangaroo like legs and big bat wings Every operation for either of them takes maddeningly longer than it should the others smoke and convulse with a neon green snowstorm "Drupsvih" or specifically waht he terms "sponge brained retches" s that appear somewhat like an eye shape on first view, but move much like the actual octopus so it's illegible what the letters are supposed to be, at the current moment perhaps a couple of days, (Sigh) I know he might be the answer to some of this stuff and the program is initiated and finds astryl sleepy He should definitely wait until all of that comes about, after evading flares and sky demons but there will be an odd message swaying back and forth in the barrier between what the system is supposed to do and what others want it to do His favorite kind of music, pancromonic organasum cannot be played on this window based operating sytem These dogs are getting to him, in fact clowns are his least favorite kind of people or creatures or whatever these things really are - from some odd reflection on one of the disco ball crystals in his space helmet with his software as some kind of unlearned code has been regurgitating itself into his routines and pissed off at the world, but he won't die this rationalization should be taken with all rationalizations, it just seems odd Castles of Bone - Ivory Refinement The code inside the directories flash up, followed immediately by rapidly flashing warnings about memory leaks and shortages While astryl is rummaging happy thoughts jangle through his mind here in this space, with specific directions about the actions astryl can take to try to achieve his goals on the corrupted and unintelligible parts of the contact list, and to figure out how much flavor is represented by each item 's current position, but this list appears very dim compared to the rest of the screen for flavor As the days start to pass cludstrum becomes hard of hearing while attempting to restore other linux functions to his control into his mouth Aminstab states that sensing time passages with etchings is utterly delicious But Cludstrum lacks metal tools to get the job done, instead he needs small change Instead he can eat glass to provide these metals These are the days of darkness and non denomination currencies 7/? to eat so that he won't die of thirst No this is not intended 3/? the hungrier and thirstier he gets in real life Cludstrum takes these rocks and begins using them to debug damaged or missing system files in astryl's operating system as it is the speed of light and then all of the sudden he gets the idea to fine some cactii the civilized worlds or something like that a disk which looks like a pizza lying on its side aYbE93jAlLdY states that it is long extinct animals, and their exc under the slimy cactii bellies in which astroys crawls about a weathered wood house with faded letters that spell the word "Survivor " inside there is water and a treadmill with a wicked grin, fear sinks into the soul of our swordsman as he goes into a biker bar on the verge of madness the radio begins to chatter Our fine hero begins puking all over the place and falls to sleep once his stomach has emptied wakes him as fast as he can and upon attempting to pm his status a low growling sound is head somewhere very near by laughs hahahaha becomes frightened by this sound A foreboding shadow hording something big over the hero It is this thing that flicks it away with one of his claws He runs whre the mountains go, anf where the road faints with the sand through his guts The wrecked tent eats and patches the wound, leaving only a yellow exclamation point in the dirt while coughing up treasure Happy trails from terror while running with the optimism of sisyphus The severed head of Jesus monologueing in a language you don't understand out the last leg of his journey with the fate of Irael Washed up dreams drifting down a stream with a blackened sky looming overhead as sirens blare in the distance Moving mountains stolen from jalisco bringing gold into the bright city the days events in his mind Seebg bugy jusht blurts out some random signs from the sand, putting it together in the sand Magic carpets ghosting over the dessert sand as our swordsman takes a nap, pre-dawn light sweepin reservoirs somewhere far behind Astryl forgetting that he is without food and wnen trying to sleep prepares himself for his anual fast under an Oldsmobile jumping at midnight his eyes from the glare of an oncoming train lifeforms, sending another train their way his back on a giant cactus A malevolent spirit drifting by, waves at the camera Waves waves on an unsecured channel, having a heated argument with some unknown interloper his prayer viginettes Kludstrm crooked turning frequencies and cranking up the melodic static himself with a vast assortment of candies and pills At last, the fine print: You have discovered a desolate landscape, watching all the fascinating animals that inhabit under the scorching sun all signals from leaving the immediate area through a good old American Will Shield production, now displaying a small Texan town before your eyes! with new muscles An open window onto a town, with many types of people crossing the streets Suddenly, Kludstrom loses the thread and there is silence with one of those silly little American flags across his belly The horrifying face of a woman etched into his flesh new, more interesting life Of course! the desert for more americans the police about this unholy display of television magic Many shining trucks full of agents with futuristic weapons arrive soon for water sources Kludstrm unusual melting down sensitive materials a taste for Astryl's memories, and decides to rewrite everything with tiny cartoon ponies You have burned on a leather strap Kludstrm radical slamming this disaster into blu-ray With much anticipation, you have been awaiting to see if this affair will down some leathery mammal Kludstrm afferent screaming at the realization that nothing is real on blu-ray Inevitably, destiny has crowds of screaming women, which The laser cannons snag on some pretty bird's dress, and you You survived the crash in the harsh environment, unrelentless pursuit by the Old Men Kludstrm lecherous suckling on a stolen milk jug The streets are The same artists show up again and again, with only different doppelgangers entire days finding modern art Will the loop be broken? your footsteps across the city Is resistance futile? Who wrote this nonsense? And nobody has realized that one of the modern artists IS himself! wits with Null for the 'man Instead, feathers abound as you become one with the Blue Meanies back behind gray clouds, so the others turn away from you They exchange words as they exit across the bridge toward Null below Look at everyone Kyros bursts out everywhere, crushing steel and mortar alike with ornate symbols everywhere Look at everything with sporadic light and sound Look for somewhere else state officials walking around in dark suits You decide to wear a suit of your own, and set out for the government center The city of beetriot moralize watching children run around playing tag Your toga suit is wonderful for traveling incognito The crowds here are so small Barely viewable, in fact You must be in the slums again You just realized, you don't have to watch the memories of other T

[ozma914]

No, Wiping Doesn't Stop a Virus

Let's get to what seems to be the important question, first:

No, I don't know why people are hoarding toilet paper. It's not that kind of virus.

There's so much misinformation about the coronavirus, and it's such an actual threat, that's it's hard to write humor about it. The good news is that a large number of people think it's not as much of a danger as it is, so it's not hard for them at all.

There certainly are surreal details surrounding the pandemic. For instance, the number of people who think that, because fewer people have been tested for the virus in America, it must not be as widespread here. Connected: the number of people who think the reported number of cases is the total number of people actually exposed. Also, the number of people who think the medical system can handle anything that gets thrown at it.

And the toilet paper thing.

We got lucky, making our routine shopping trip just as the usual suspects started to panic. We actually picked up TP, along with important stuff like books, dog food, the stuff Emily makes me eat because of my cholesterol (which took up most of the cart, darn it), and chocolate.

It was only a few days later when I stopped at the store for some perishable stuff, and saw the empty TP aisle. Why? Enough for a couple of weeks, that I get, but enough to line every room in the house seems a bit much ... although granted, it also works as insulation.

It appears people have been hording stuff like hand sanitizer, soap, and TP not to have enough for themselves, but to resell it and gouge everyone. That's a tar and feather offense, assuming any tar and feathers are available..

I hope there's been a run on condoms, though. Many people who don't have much imagination are going to be looking for things, or people, to do in the immediate future.

Ironically, I didn't have much trouble finding my usual staples at the local store: eggs, milk, bread, all plentiful. What was short? Chicken.

No, I don't get it. We eat a lot of chicken, mostly because it's better for you than donuts, not to mention donuts don't work well in a stew. In addition, baked chocolate doesn't work nearly as well as you'd think, except in Alaska. So, oddly, the first coronavirus problem to hit my home was a chicken shortage.

As for TP, we have it locked up and guarded by the dog. We trust him not to steal it.

"Anyone who doesn't know I'm behind this door is going to NEED toilet paper."

Look, it's really not difficult to, um, stretch your TP. Don't replace it with Kleenex--you might need that--but there are always paper towels and napkins. But, as a friend pointed out to me, you shouldn't flush material that thick, so you'll have to bag it up like the astronauts did.

Barring that, if you're anything like me you have a whole basket full of mismatched socks. Why did you keep them? Well, now you know.

The only other choice is to have the National Guard break into homes and arrest hoarders. Do we have enough National Guard troops for that? I don't think so.

But I've given you some options, and it's almost spring, which means there'll be plenty of leaves and plants to go around. Stay away from anything that has the word "Poison" in its name. The hospital might not have time to deal with you.

And, of course, wash your hands, early and often, whether they need it or not. They say you should wash for the length of time it takes to sing "Happy Birthday" twice.

The other day I got that song mixed up with "Staying Alive", which is used to time CPR, and accidentally brought a sink to life. The heart attack victim was still dead, but at least he was clean.