#for now i’m okay with identifying myself as asexual

[bohemian-rhapsody-in-blue]

For the ask game!

🏳️‍🌈

I got the notification and decided to send an ask before I forgot :3

Awww, thank you so much!!! I’m so honored :)

🏳️‍🌈 Are you a member of the LGBTQIA+ community?

Uh…kinda! Right now I identify as “asexual???????”, complete with all those question marks after it. I’m still in the process of figuring out my identity, but for now that’s what I tentatively feel comfortable with—and it is part of LGBTQIA+!

Thanks again for the ask!

[~💖 Ask Game 💖~]

[ilovedthestars]

A thought I’ve been having: While it's important to recognize the long history of many current queer identities (and the even longer history of people who lived outside of the straight, cis, allo “norm”) I think it's also important to remember that a label or identity doesn't have to be old to be, for lack of a better word, real.

This post that i reblogged a little while ago about asexuality and its history in the LGBTQ+ rights movement and before is really good and really important. As i've thought about it more, though, it makes me wonder why we need to prove that our labels have "always existed." In the case of asexuality, that post is pushing back against exclusionists who say that asexuality was “made up on the internet” and is therefore invalid. The post proves that untrue, which is important, because it takes away a tool for exclusionists.

But aromanticism, a label & community with a lot of overlap & solidarity with asexuality, was not a label that existed during Stonewall and the subsequent movement. It was coined a couple decades ago, on internet forums. While the phrasing is dismissive, it would be technically accurate to say that it was “made up on the internet.” To be very clear, I’m not agreeing with the exclusionists here—I’m aromantic myself. What I’m asking is, why does being a relatively recently coined label make it any less real or valid for people to identify with?

I think this emphasis on historical precedent is what leads to some of the attempts to label historical figures with modern terminology. If we can say someone who lived 100 or 1000 years ago was gay, or nonbinary, or asexual, or whatever, then that grants the identity legitimacy. but that's not the terminology they would have used then, and we have no way of knowing how, or if, any historical person's experiences would fit into modern terminology.

There's an element of "the map is not the territory" here, you know? Like this really good post says, labels are social technologies. There's a tendency in the modern Western queer community to act like in the last few decades the "truth" about how genders and orientations work has become more widespread and accepted. But that leaves out all the cultures, both historical and modern, that use a model of gender and sexuality that doesn't map neatly to LGBTQ+ identities but is nonetheless far more nuanced than "there are two genders, man and woman, and everyone is allo and straight." Those systems aren’t any more or less “true” than the system of gay/bi/pan/etc and straight, cis and trans, aro/ace and allo.

I guess what I’m saying is, and please bear with me here, “gay” people have not always existed. “Nonbinary” people have not always existed. “Asexual” people have not always existed. But people who fell in love with and had sex with others of the same gender have always existed. People who would not have identified themselves as either men or women have always existed. People who didn’t prioritize sex (and/or romance) as important parts of their lives have always existed. In the grand scheme of human existence, all our labels are new, and that’s okay. In another hundred or thousand years we’ll have completely different ways of thinking about gender and sexuality, and that’ll be okay too. Our labels can still be meaningful to us and our experiences right now, and that makes them real and important no matter how new they are.

We have a history, and we should not let it be erased. But we don’t need a history for our experiences and ways of describing ourselves to be real, right now.

[grizzcore]

I identify AS a lesbian , that is how I perceive myself and what to me is a truth about my personal and full lived experience, I adore butches and specifically MY butch. I was known to be a lesbian at a very young age. I only had crushes on little girls, i had a huge crush on my lesbian aunts butch partner and I was not good at hiding this. (Very cute photo of me staring at Lisa available at request) I didn’t behave like a lot of little girls, I was a tomboy, I was also very clearly lesbian and this lead to being “othered” a lot , especially by adults who did not want me around their children because of my homosexuality

At age 11 I was diagnosed with gender identity disorder, and at 12 I started going by he/him pronouns and the name Oliver at my Ohio public middle school. I was technically out as agender but did later identify as a trans boy/trans man. In my teen years trauma and dysphoria complicated things for me, I dated much older women and afab NB people who did a lot of emotional damage to me , and with my trauma around lesbianism I ended up identifying as a gay trans man for a long while. From 16 to 21, this is what I considered myself publicly - though I’ll admit that on some level I always knew deep down I was a lesbian, and that I was sort of making this identify for myself to fight against that.

I identify WITH gay men , because for many years I thought that is who was, I took testosterone, which I don’t regret at all btw and would and maybe will take again one day, I love being a t lesbian- - I was with gay men intimately, both my age and much older, i was bullied for being both a lesbian and a gay man at the same time because again, I transitioned in a semi rural Ohio public middle and highschool setting starting in the year 2012/2013. i was in gay mens spaces in real life, I felt very real community with gay men and they never treated me very differently than other gay boys just for being transmasculine. Sex with them was not emotionally fulfilling me, but I did enjoy their company and companionship for a while I thought I may be asexual. (Don’t so many of us, lmao)

But No, I was most certainly a lesbian with too much trauma hanging onto that label to connect to it for a while (and many people in my direct personal life kept informing me of this, lmao, which made me double down in a very childish way)

Me and my partner are both afab and identify personally as lesbians- but on many occasions we are perceived socially as gay men because we both previously identified as gay trans men, took t and socially transitioned. Then we dated each other. I told Theo about a year in I thought I may be a lesbian and that transmasculinity to me was an extension of a lesbian gender identity and I didn’t want them to feel invalidated by this as they at the time were a binary trans man to my knowledge. They told me they felt the same way and we had one of the most eye opening and relationship strengthening conversations we’ve ever had. We’re both lesbians , with dysphoria, with no connection to a male identity- just a masculine one.

So were lesbians, who look like gay men and often are regarded as gay men by strangers , we’ve experienced homophobic violence geared toward gay men, other lesbians tend to recognize us as lesbians, but gay men - especially trans men and especially t4t trans men also recognize us as gay trans men socially - and im okay with that! i actually LIKE that.

I don’t care if people see us a lesbians or gay men or both. I have community in both places, I feel safe in both places, I have love for both communities. I have lived in both communities, been fostered and loved in both and don’t feel these communities in real life are half as separated as the internet leads many of you to believe. I was in the gay bar scene at too young an age but I am thankful for the community I feel as someone with what a lot of people could consider a pretty complex gender identity now that I’m an adult still in those spaces

And now that I’m experiencing a sort of complex gender fluidity I could only best describe as “genderfluid but the genders are ‘butch’ and ‘femme’ as genders, not male and female” where I’m exploring femme identity and my relationship to butchness is shifting back and forth, I feel a new strange sort of identification happening to me wherein a lot of people in this irl space are assuming im some sort of drag queen - which I’m ??? Not entirely sure how I feel about but i think I’m overall okay with it in a Chappell Roan femininity is performance sort of way

In short what I’m saying is : my gender is lesbian, but I am aware my SOCIALLY PERCEIVED gender is often that of a gay man, and other queer people seem to vary widely in how they perceive me and my relationship on a scale of “lesbians” to “t4t” to “gay men” often reflecting their own identity

And I’m like! Okay with that and acknowledge these identities as also being a valid part of who I am because they affect the way other people treat me in these spaces I share and the life I live.

[pagerspages]

Men

I work with mostly all men. Usually this isn’t a huge deal for me as I’m AMAB and feel like I can get along with most anyone. Sometimes though they say things that just make me feel sick. Tonight as we were winding down our day and getting the shop cleaned up, we ended up on the subject of dating and marriage. I recently started seeing someone so I was actually very happy to join in on the convo at first. 

The convo was going good until one of the guys just outright says that once his kids are out of the house there’s no way that his marriage will last. This absolutely shocked me. As a child of divorce, I can see both sides of wanting to stay together for the kids but he said this wasn’t even it. He didn't want to pay child support. I literally can’t even imagine being in that situation. He kept talking for a while and I just tried to zone out. 

I wish that was the worst part. The conversation trailed off some more and another guy mentions the “Hot women” that come into the store sometimes. “I’ve just got to look away sometimes you know?” I was floored when he said that. Then the guy that said he didn’t want to pay child support said some even worse shit that I don’t really want to repeat. I work in an auto shop. I know what ‘shop talk’ is but still. This was gross. It made me so uncomfortable. 

It’s shit like this that made it so hard for me to lump myself in with men for so long. Just to be clear, I have never felt like a “Man” and I’m okay with that. As of now I identify as nonbinary and present masculine out of safety and laziness. I hate that people look at me and put me into the same category as men like these but can I blame them? The more shit like this I hear the more I understand the man vs bear argument. 

I couldn’t help but compare this conversation to the conversation that Yellow and I had in my car the other night. We had gone to look at Christmas lights and ended up just parked in my car holding hands and talking. I brought up our kiss from the end of the mini golf date and did my best to explain to them how intimacy causes me so much anxiety and the fact that I might be a bit asexual. And guess what? They understood. They didn’t judge me. They listened. It’s that easy. I am so sorry that not everyone can have that. 

[lokiina]

OC Interview: Zayn MacKenna

Interviewer: "Zayn! Zayn, can we have a moment?" Zayn: "If you're looking for Dino, he's not here right now." Interviewer: "No no, we want to talk to you!" Zayn: "Oh you're here for me? I thought- Uhh... Hmn. Why? What's this for?" Interviewer: "The people wanna know more about you" Zayn: "Uhm.... Why?" Interviewer: "Dino plays his cards pretty close to his chest, but doesn't seem to be too worried about waving you around. People are curious." Zayn: "Hmn. What do you wanna know?" Interviewer: "Just fun stuff."

( tagged by @dreamskug full interview under the cut cuz she's a long one~)

→NICKNAMES

Interviewer: "Do you have any nick names?" Zayn: "Mm, not really. Though Dino calls me pup. But he's allowed to. It's weird coming from other people."

→ GENDER

Interviewer: "So how do you identify? What's your gender?" Zayn: "Male."

→ STAR SIGN

Interviewer: "What's your star sign?" Zayn: "Aquarius? I don't really follow that stuff much, so I'm not really sure what that means. Is this being recorded?" Interviewer: "It might be."

→ HEIGHT

Interviewer: "Dino really towers over you how tall are you?" Zayn: "I'm not that short... Somewhere round 5'7"? It's been a while since I properly measured myself. D is just tall..."

→ ORIENTATION

Interviewer: "Anyone keeping up with screamsheets in the height of Dino's career with the Gloryhole Bandits knows he's not particularly picky with his partners, but what about you? Where do you lay in this mix?" Zayn: "I'm Dino-sexual." Interviewer: "Uh.." Zayn: "Oh my God, that's a joke. I'm a demisexual gay man." Interviewer: "Demisexual?" Zayn: "What year is it? Have you really never heard that term before? Demisexual is on the asexual spectrum. Go look it up, I'm tired of explaining it."

→ NATIONALITY/ETHNICITY

Interviewer: "So where do you- or your family rather, originate?" Zayn: "Is it weird that I don’t really know? I don’t actually know who my biological parents are, so I’m not really sure where my bloodline comes from." Interviewer: "Adopted?" Zayn: "Something like that..." Interviewer: "Don't they usually have records of stuff like that?" Zayn: "Ah... it's a lil more complicated than that. Can we move on?"

→ FAVE FRUIT

Interviewer: "Alright lets see, what's your favourite fruit?" Zayn: "Uh... Strawberries? They're not easy to find but they're so yummy."

→ FAVE SEASON

Interviewer: "Do you have a favourite season?" Zayn: "I don't know if I have an answer to that considering there isn't a huge dramatic weather shift around these parts. Everything is mostly just... Hot. Most of the places I've travelled to have still been, hot."

→ FAVE FLOWER

Interviewer: "Do you have a favourite flower?" Zayn: "I don’t know the names of them, but I saw in a book once these lil flowers that looked like little guys with their dicks out. They made me laugh a lot, bet it’s probably extinct at this point." Interviewer: "I'm sorry, what?" Zayn: "Yeah yeah! Look up 'naked man flower' or something you might be able to find a picture." Interviewer: "Okay hold on I have to look... Oh my God." Zayn: "SEE. What's it called? What's it called?" Interviewer: "Orchis italica" Zayn: "Ahaha. Perfect."

→ FAVE SCENT

Interviewer: "What's your favourite sent?" Zayn: "Leather." Interviewer: "Oh." Zayn: "What?"

→ COFFEE, TEA, HOT CHOCOLATE

Interviewer: "Never mind, do you prefer coffee, tea or hot chocolate?" Zayn: "I've never actually had hot chocolate before." Interviewer: "What?!" Zayn: "I'm allergic to chocolate.." Interviewer: "Oh that's unfortunate." Zayn: "Yeah, I just stick with coffee and flavourings usually."

→ AVERAGE HOURS OF SLEEP

Interviewer: "Dino's got insomnia, what's your average hours of sleep in comparison?" Zayn: "That's kinda weird that you would know that, and wanna know that about me... But... Uh... A lot. I can sleep just about anywhere, I got used to making the best out of really uncomfortable sleeping arrangements when I was little."

→ DOG OR CAT PERSON?

Interviewer: "Okay, are you a dog or cat person?" Zayn: "Uhm. What do you mean by that..?" Interviewer: "... Do you like dogs or cats better...?" Zayn: "OH, duh. I like both."

→ DREAM TRIP

Interviewer: "Do you have a place you'd like to visit one day? A dream trip if you will?" Zayn: "Uhh... I mean there's lots of places I'd like to visit one day. Maybe make a hop over to Europe?"

→ FAVE FICTIONAL CHARACTER

Interviewer: "Any favourite fictional characters?" Zayn: "I don't really follow a lot of media..."

→ NUMBER OF BLANKETS YOU SLEEP WITH

Interviewer: "So how many blankets do you sleep with?" Zayn: "What? Why are we back on the sleep topic, that's weird..." Interviewer: "Is it?" Zayn: "Yeah a lot of this is pretty personal shit man..."

→ RANDOM FACT

Interviewer: "Okay we'll skip that then, how bout a random fact?" Zayn: "Ah." Dino: "Hey. The fuck is goin on over here?"

Interviewer: "Oh, Mr Dinovic. We were just-" Dino: "No no. This little sich here? Not nova. This is over right now. I've told ya before to keep this shit out of my fuckin club."

Zayn: "Oop. Random fact, you've pissed off Dino." Dino: "Nosy lil shits. Delete this-" Interviewer: "HEY!"

---

Dino protecting his boy from sketchy papz trying to pry into their personal life.

sdFGHDFJKSG I think most people have been tagged already, but if you wanna do it you can totally do it. I might still do it with my other boys yet.

[mlmshark]

Introduction to Mlmshark

Info:

Oliver, 17 yrs, trans male, gay/vincian, taken <3

This is my account where I ramble about being gay and talk about my experiences as a queer man

DMs are open, I’d love to chat

And now because apparently I have to add this:

‼️PROSHIP AND RADQUEER DNI‼️

This isn't an nsfw account, but it is 17+ so I can be more mature without worrying about younger followers like I have on my other accounts

Fanfic acc: @sharkboywrites (dead) art acc @sharkboyoli

I will give out my discord, but only to mutuals who ask

more info below, including boundaries please read before sending messages

This is an mlm blog

The labels I use/are comfortable with are trans man, transmasc, gay, vincian, achillean, aroace, aromantic, greyromantic (more specific way of describing my romantic attraction) and asexual

I am autistic (maybe, I got tested and my results were inconclusive so I’m not sure what to make of that). My special interests are genshin impact and horror media (please talk to me about them PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE)

My pronouns are strictly he/him, but I'm not sure about neos, feel free to use them on me it doesn't bother me

Anyone can interact regardless of sexuality or gender identity, I prefer the people who are my mutuals to be 17+, but younger people can like my posts and ask me questions. I won't follow back anyone under 17.

The main point of this account is to have somewhere to talk about being gay and find more gay people to have a community with it.

For a long time and even sometimes to this day I've been shamed for my identity, so I want my own space to be an openly gay trans man with no hate and find other people in my community. I'm also still exploring myself and the world as a trans man, despite being out for six years, and this is my space to talk about it.

Boundaries

No proshippers, radqueers, zoophiles, etc.

No racism or ablesim, this is a space for all gay men/nblm regardless

My mutuals need to be 17 or older, I may be more mature at times, but not to the point of full nsfw

Do not send me nsfw asks unless they're questions about the queer experience ( for ex. asking about my experience, how to know, about my asexuality, and life as a gay/trans man are fine)

Don't send me/tag me in nsfw posts

Don't try to be homophobic or transphobic, I'll just block you

No shaming me or other people for liking men, even if you're also queer

Don't come onto my posts complaining about how you hate men

Don't try to compare my experiences with other queer people/try to make it the oppression Olympics

Don't complain to me about gay labels or flags

Don't try to invalidate anyone who interacts with this account that identifies as gay, even if you think they don't count (transmasc gay, tranfem gay, genderfluid gay, etc.)

Generally don't bring any discourse

You're free to vent in my asks if it's related to being gay or transgender, this account is for people to find community, just try not to make people uncomfortable

Don't call me the f or t slur unless you know I'm okay with it, even when I call myself it

As you can tell, this is mostly an nsfw neutral account, I'm okay with talking about it in the non- horny sense or now. this acc may be more open to it as time goes on (probably as I get older and experience more things), but for now: no <3

That's it, feel free to interact, i'd love to find some gay people in the community that I can ramble with and be a man kisser with :)

[kestrel-bee]

I just finished ISAT, and. Wow. I am in shambles after Act 5 holy FRICK

Okay, now that I’m done, time to dump all of my thoughts out at once, because I NEED to talk about this game holy crap

(spoilers abound from this point, don’t read if you are interested in playing for yourself)

(CW for discussing religion-related struggles with sexuality, if that’s something that bugs ya)

Okay, for starters, I just want to talk about how well executed this game is.

The gameplay was interesting and not too hard to understand while still being unique and fun, the illustrations and art style was really cute and charming, the character designs are recognizable yet creative, the writing is entertaining and made me love all of the characters in a very quick fashion, and the story overall was just FANTASTIC.

Literally my only complaint is that i had a tricky time adjusting to how sensitive the controls were when walking. Maybe it works better on desktop, but I was playing on the Steam Deck, and the only other platform I can play on is Mac, which this game does not support.

But honestly this ended up being a nonissue, I figured it out pretty quickly and after an hour or so I had the controls down to pat.

I also love how they handled the concept of a time loop, and the slow descent of Siffrin’s mental downfall. The way he started getting so desperate at the end, clinging to every scrap of hope he could find was heart wrenching.

Act 5 was KILLER, omg, I was so wrecked over it I had to take a break to calm down 😭

It’s not often a piece of media evokes THIS much emotion out of me, holy crud.

To talk about some of the characters,

I LOVE me some found family fluff, and boy oh boy was I fed, they’re so wholesome, they’re all so skrunkly 😭

I loved the little snippets of representation in these characters, with Odile being mixed race and attempting to connect to her roots, and Isabeau’s very trans-coded backstory. And yk, the multitude of gays and lesbians throughout the game XD

Even though that kind of representation doesn’t resonate with me personally, I still like to see it.

But oh man, Mirabelle’s cutscene in Act 3 hit hard. I myself am aroace and religious, and marriage was always something I felt was expected from me.

As I got older and realized that romantic attraction wasn’t really something I feel for people, I tried to convince myself I was attracted to a good friend of mine who had a crush on me, which obviously didn’t work out.

I’ve always had a hard time identifying with womanhood in the way my church has always portrayed it as, so having Mirabelle talk about her faith related struggle with her asexuality and identity was such a comforting representation for me.

Another thing, I can’t tell if it’s intentional or not, but I love how neurodivergent coded they are?

Like, we have Siffrin, kinda touch averse and quiet,

Odile who doesn’t like change and needs her routine alone time to recuperate after every floor,

Mirabelle and Isabeau, the funny noise appreciation squad, the hyper-empathetic duo who would always get over hyped over things together,

And while I can’t think of a specific example for them, Bonnie is always there matching Mirabelle and Isabeau’s energy.

Not to mention the frequent amount of times the latter 3 would repeat each other (echolalia) when saying something fun or happy. (Like the “Pie Smell!” candle).

Do these things on their own make them neurodivergent? No, but the way they’re consistently written like this feels very intentional and I love it.

Anyway, whoof, that was very long, but TLDR: this game was PHENOMENAL, and I will be recommending it to everyone I know

[our-ace-experience]

Growing up I didn’t know really what asexuality was. I grew up in a fairly conservative southern town and so lgbtqia wasn’t really a thing.

my first experience with asexuality was through Jaiden animations video about it. At first I thought that surely that couldn’t be me as I was a good Christian boy. Now I’m not even a boy

additionally being aegosexual I constantly doubt myself and doubt that I’m even asexual

its so difficult to grow up somewhere where you didnt even know queerness could exist. if you are queer in that environment, your feeling of being broken or wrong might be really strong and it can be so scary.

but people will love you for who you are. its okay to question your identity, but its also okay to identify a certain way. doubting yourself can be really difficult, but with enough research and experience, im sure you will find yourself <3

[chevelleneech]

Re: the Oliver bi post -

I wouldn’t be surprised if Oliver was bi and just hasn’t come out to the public yet. Going by how eloquent he id and how he speaks during interviews addressing Buck’s sexuality or the inclusiveness of the show, he’s either a part of the community imo or the world’s best Ally. (Capital A)

It’s weird to speculate on real people’s sexuality, but either way I’m grateful as a bi person to have him in our corner regardless of how he identifies :)

Being the nosy bitch I am, I am rather okay with the fact that I’m always googling people’s personal lives and talking about it in some form. It’s been a long lived trait of my personality, as I tend to just want to know information about people and things. I never take it out of fandom spaces, don’t overstep by invading actual privacy, and try my best to dial my curiosity back, but as you can tell from this blog alone… I often fail on the latter.

That said, I don’t think I venture too deep into Oliver’s sexuality, because he doesn’t really give me closeted vibes. Not that I can tell one way or the other for real, but after my initial search to see if he was, I just idk… believe him saying he’s an ally. He seems incredibly comfortable with himself and doesn’t really take shit from people. And while that isn’t exclusive to allies, I do think it’s possible that if Oliver were queer, it’s something he’d refuse to take shit for. I feel like his personality would lean more toward being out and outspoken about it, because from a fan pov, he seems more than fine telling people to shut the fuck up and fuck off if they have something bad to say about him or the things he believes in.

However, I do understand the nuisance that comes with being closeted, so I can’t say what you think is an impossibility. He could very well be bisexual and just not out. To me though, if he does end up coming out, I still think it’d probably be because he realized his queerness due to being such an advocate for Buck’s. Which, maybe that’s me speaking from a slightly personal experience? Idk.

I always thought myself an ally and open minded, and I would much rather invest in queer stories than not, but I didn’t think anything was odd about that due to again, the assumption that investing in queer characters and their stories was just the right thing to do as someone who isn’t a bigot.

Nope, I’m just asexual, lol. My intrigue is rooted in wanting to see relationships play out on screen between people who don’t fit into cis/het boxes, because growing up that’s all I saw. Men and women kissing and falling in love and that being the “right way” to showcase romance. Realizing I’m ace and have very little interest in traditional romance helped me let go of a lot of hang ups that I had about myself.

So it’s possible I’m projecting like shit, but yeah. I don’t think Oliver is bi necessarily, but if he is, I do think it’s something he would most likely have discovered recently.

Sidebar: Two of his tattoos did add to my initial wonderings about him though, I will admit. He and I are in the same age group, so I feel like it’s fine to assume he also knows the rumors about his arm bands and the hollow star tattoo. They don’t mean a man is queer, but growing up in the early 2000s, those two things were like rumored signifiers. So when I saw him with them, I just assumed he was in the closet. Now though, I’m more just like, maybe that was just a point in time when a lot of queer men had those tattoos and to Oliver they don’t mean the same thing.

Doesn’t matter either way, but yeah.

Thanks for stopping by though, and not yelling at me for making a post about how I’d find it funny if his life imitated his art!

[aspec-advice]

hello, I’ve been questioning my romantic orientation for a while and I need to ask for advice.

I am asexual and used to identify as demiromantic however recently I’ve realised how I feel about compliments. If someone says I look pretty in that outfit in a musical context, I feel nice about myself. However when someone says I have a nice personality and I feel like they are (for a lack of better words) butter me up before asking me out, I feel repulsed by the person. The latter has only really happened from one person in my life but I never wish to experience that again as they were very pushy with trying to be in a relationship with me beyond friendship.

I don’t know how to process my feelings and if I even feel comfortable with romantic actions targeted towards me. I’m not to sure I’m just a romance repulsed aromantic or if I just feel uncomfortable with those kinds of conversations with other people.

Sorry for the rant,

Answers

hello!! do you think the experience you had with that person is now clouding any future romantic endeavors you could have because of how that person made you feel? because being really pushy about dating someone is disgusting, it sucks to be on the receiving end of that and i'm sorry that you had to go through that. to be honest, i think that you may feel uncomfortable with being pursued romantically due to that experience which is completely valid. if your uncomfortableness was occurring before that person then i think it could be something different. my advice in this scenario would be label yourself however you want whether that means aromantic or not and as life happens your feelings might change and that means your label might change and that's completely okay! there's also no pressure to label yourself at all! life happens and things change constantly, don't worry about the labels and just live as you are!

i hope this helped

mars

[j0kers-light]

Can you tell us a bit about yourself? I'm a Pisces girl too!

About me!

Hi anon— sorry for the late reply there’s not much to tell (I am so boring) but here we go! 🖤✨

I’m going twenty six years around the sun & my pronouns are she/her. Fun fact despite my genre of writing.. I identify as Asexual in real life. 🖤💜🩶🤍

When I’m not reading and writing, I’m cooking/baking with my headphones on. I’m rarely seen without them granted music is an essential component of my life. I have withdraws if I don’t hear tunes after a long period of time.

I had a dog for 14 years, lost him on my birthday (2023) and now I have so much time on my hands, ion know what to do. So I’m writing almost daily now after work. Writing is purely a hobby, I had an editor send me an offer contract; wayy too strict for my liking. If it wasn’t obvious, I’m an African American female, using myself as a model for Y/n ninety percent of the time!

I wanted to break the stigmatism with black!fem!readers with my story. We’re not always loud and aggressive. We can be soft and demure and we deserve love that isn’t toxic and/or abusive. Moving on before I start ranting lol.

Based on the recent flood of asks I requested, majority of you all are international, whereas I’m stuck in the states 🇺🇸 le sigh. Y’all are so lucky omg.. I love learning about different cultures and traditions and it’s a secret wish of mine to learn a new language.

Edit: I've taken up learning Greek! Γειά σου 👋🏾

I’m not into astrology but yeah I’m a Pisces who suffers from insomnia and a hyperactive brain. Funny how being called gifted as a child morphed into a learning deficit as I grew older.. but I embrace my special. Stay weird my friends.

Completely unrelated, I’m terrified of butterflies and I can’t smell. I taste things instead. My fav color is blue and I can’t stand anything pink.

Wow that was a lot of info dumping. Okay. Um. Someone please change the subject. I probably didn’t share enough but that’s that’s for the time being 🤫 oh and that’s my favorite emoji

[aroaceking]

I literally cannot tell if you actually want me to answer any of the things you asked but I'm posting the entire comment and I will answer it. I'm going to be very honest and address that I am autistic so if I've taken the fact there were questions too literally I am actually sorry, I have no intention of requesting engagement from you if you are not actually trying to discuss it with me.

Reblogs are off because I don't really feel comfortable with reblogs when I'm going to address some of my trauma, but you're free to reply to this or send an ask (I think ask word limits are lower now?) if you wish to reply.

tw because I don't know how to explain any of my things without addressing a lot of this: transphobia tw, transmisogyny tw, intersexism tw, homophobia tw, racism tw, csa tw, cocsa tw, childhood sexual trauma tw, medical abuse tw, ableism tw, idk like literally it's just my life idk how to give it enough labels to give fair warning.

under a read more because it's long

@fite-club

okay. there’s a lot to unpack here. i’m gonna first address the “stop sexualizing asexuality” thing— asexuality is about sexual attraction, it is inherently a sexual topic in nature. but you’re alarmingly wrong about something here, and it’s the “recognizing ways I was different from my peers” part as a 14 year old, you WEREN’T different from your peers for not experiencing sexual attraction. MOST 14 year olds don’t. you mention trauma in your past— this is extremely relevant. why do you believe that the majority of 14 year olds were sexual, who told you that? ike, yeah, hypothetically someone who identifies as ace at 14 and experiences sexual attraction at age 18 can change their label from asexual to allosexual. but will they ACTUALLY do that, though? or will they just call themselves a sex-favorable asexual? when you make lacking attraction a part of your identity, what happens to your sense of identity if you DO experience attraction? also i need to point out that there are literal biological functions that are not done developing until you are over 18. your body and brain and hormones are still growing. you definitely cannot say with any certainty that anyone below the age of 16 knows they experience sexual attraction or not finally i need you to understand that by emphasizing “hey, it’s actually completely fine and normal to not be interested in sex at all when you’re in high school” it actually helps prevent teens from being sexually abused. “most teens are allosexual” is NOT the message you want to be spreading.

"asexuality is about sexual attraction, it is inherently a sexual topic in nature."

this is part of what I feel most uncomfortable with. it is innately a conversation about sexuality, but that, too, to me, feels simplified to state as 'sexual' when people are constantly equating sexual with 'having sex' or 'having sexual desires'. developmentally it's a lot more complex than that, especially when you don't use a split attraction model or thoroughly separate/classify all aspects of orientation. I understand why people may break down their identities into the tiniest boxes they can imagine, but I actually don't navigate it that way at all.

I'm deeply uncomfortable with the idea that discussing sexuality is sexual. I know I'm repeating myself, I just am not sure if I'm clear. It's also deeply unsettling to me to see people, of any orientation, act like it's sexual for a child to state if they like boys or girls or whatever else. Or how people act like it's sexual for a child to have a gender identity separate from their assignment.

I will acknowledge the assignment I was given had impact on my feelings on this matter, I was hypersexualized throughout my childhood for being intersex, for publicly going also from 'boy' to 'girl', for my race. I understand that these add to my experiences and are part of why I was reacted to the way I was. That it was a catch-22 because if I had liked boys, I would've been performing gender wrong and if I had liked girls, I would've been performing gender wrong, and that no matter what space I took up, it would be 'incorrect.'

But this experience is mine. I was doomed to be sexualized no matter what I did in the environment I was a part of, and part of that relates to this idea that gender and sexuality in children when 'off the norm' is innately sexual. That if a child expresses a relationship to gender or orientation outside of boxes defined for them that it's somehow sexual.

I tried to define it to an anon earlier also but developmentally I am including things like how children will play-roles as well. A lot of my friends learned gender and orientation through how they wanted to do pretend games or how they felt unfulfilled by them. This isn't sexual, this isn't weird, it's a normal part of development. This includes children picking and pointing out fictional characters or celebrities to admire or joke about wanting to marry/have as a boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever. This includes the way children will also explore themselves through putting claims out like 'so and so is my boyfriend now' or whatever.

"you mention trauma in your past— this is extremely relevant. why do you believe that the majority of 14 year olds were sexual, who told you that?"

I know the trauma in my past is 'relevant.' I'm sure if I had not been further sexualized by adults and children alike for being intersex and the WAY I was intersex that I would not have the same relationship to any of this. As I stated, it's why I feel so strongly about some of it. I don't know who I would be without trauma, I can't just take my trauma aside and yes, I've gone through therapy, multiple attempts, some forced and some me trying to approach it carefully. It's why I tried to study developmental psychology.

I really dislike the statement 'why do you believe that the majority of 14 year olds were sexual'. I believe a majority of 14 year olds weren't and aren't asexual because a majority of the population is not asexual. It's a minority group. So is being gay. So is being trans. So is being intersex. If they feel strongly enough to identify as asexual, it is probably because they have an experience where it has made them feel othered, or at the very least uncomfortable. I don't even see why it matters if they're wrong about it. Nowadays they're constantly seeing people misidentify it as rooted in action, as in if you have sex or not, and some of them are probably very scared of the expectation of sex, and so they may label themselves incorrectly because they want to feel like they have support in language to communicate a perfectly normal boundary to have and when they get older, hopefully they recognize that.

That's part of why I dislike the fixation on if it's about sex or not! Or even the fixation people have on labels staying stagnant! Lots of people identify as straight or cis or whatever before realizing they're not, and it's okay also for them to have gotten it wrong the first or second or fiftieth time around idk. I have friends that still don't exactly know where they sit on both gender and orientation. I think that's normal! We have our whole lives to navigate!

But also 'who told you that'. Almost everyone around me except maybe some of the xtians (I'm not xtian) and mainly the xtians were more focused on telling me that 14 year old girls weren't interested in those kinds of things, which is why they must be 'protected' from 14 year old boys who are entirely too interested in it and my biology would make me unsafe even after I had, against my will, been medically altered due to complications with my hormones and body.

I don't know. I don't know how to explain what I grew up in. I don't know if it's different cultural expectations, I don't know if it's the ways I was seen as a threat by white people, I don't know. It's not 'who' told me that because 'who' was nearly everyone. But even if they weren't telling me that, even if they were telling me I was 'smart' for not dating or that I probably shouldn't date anyway or that no matter who I dated it would be weird, they also thought it was weird I had no actual interest at all. That I didn't admire celebrities or had crushes or expressed any future interest in it. People thought it was weird as hell I thought the entire construct of it was kind of fake, and yes, I was also autistic and so there was a level of them just thinking I was stupid and developmentally challenged because I was autistic, but that's also part of why they tried to 'fix' it, because my presentation was one where I could 'try' to fit.

But also I know lots of people who were raised xtian and expected to be girls who also got really messed up by the confusing explanations and expectations around it. That hurt themselves because they thought there was something gross or wrong with them as they hit perfectly normal developmental milestones. I was also the outlet for a lot of weird guilt and self-loathing from both boys and girls who viewed me as innately sexual for my relationship to gender. That viewed my medical changes as something somehow for them.

I know it's perfectly normal to not date at 14, I don't know how to be more clear about that, I don't know how to say 'yes I am aware plenty of 14 year olds are figuring themselves out, plenty of them don't know or fake crushes or even will explain they don't know if they've had them yet, I know plenty of them are definitely not interested in sex or dating' and also state 'this is why I'm saying it's not about sex! the ways I was othered and hypersexualized and desexualized are about all the tiny other ways I did not fit into the boxes I was supposed to!'

I was trying to express how having 'asexual' as a term helped me cope. Helped me be more compassionate to my peers. Continues to help me now. That's what labels are even for. That's their use. I was upset seeing someone say "#you’re 15!#you don’t want to have sex! that’s fine!#it’s not an identity!" about a niece identifying as asexual on a post discussing how the op's relationship to crushes/attraction has changed from having a lot of them as a teen to mellowing out a lot as an adult (which is normal, which is why I'm so! fucking confused! on the fucking pushback!!!! on me stating that it was othering! to be a child outside of that and attacked by adults and other children over it!!! and now I'm being told 'nothing about ur experience was abnormal' then why!!! was I constantly!!! told!!! it was!!!).

I mean I can tell you part of why. I am not fucking stupid. I am aware I was 'abnormal' also for my body and my brain and my race. Normalcy is socially constructed and upheld. Something can be atypical but not treated as abnormal, and something can be common but socially classified as abnormal for structural purposes. Like we say 'minority' for nonwhite people as if white people aren't actually STATISTICALLY globally the minority. (Yes, I know, that depending on your country, they are statistically a majority, but they only became the 'majority' in the country I'm in through horrific violence and even in countries where they are statistically the majority it's violently upheld as they push back against nonwhite people moving in blah blah blah, ie still socially upheld through structures).

Like I feel like somehow I'm having entirely different conversations about this.

"like, yeah, hypothetically someone who identifies as ace at 14 and experiences sexual attraction at age 18 can change their label from asexual to allosexual. but will they ACTUALLY do that, though? or will they just call themselves a sex-favorable asexual? when you make lacking attraction a part of your identity, what happens to your sense of identity if you DO experience attraction?"

Okay but I don't CARE? The stigma around changing your orientation label needs to go but also I don't care if they're wrong. It's irritating, yes, and often derails these spaces and discussions, but also like it's their life, I can't make them change their identity. I can just share information on how other people have expressed attraction and learning to navigate it and offer solutions and pose questions on how their relationship may have changed and give examples of people coming into it deeper in adulthood.

There are people that think they aren't ace because they don't care if they have sex, even though they aren't attracted to anyone, and eventually reach a point in their life, sometimes late in it, where they learn about it and go 'oh' and suddenly have a word for this thing that helps them better define their experiences. And I don't mean 18, 18 is so young.

What happens to people who identify legitimately as a gender or orientation they later realize doesn't fit them? I can't control them. I had a friend who thought she was straight and it took a lot of self-reflection for her to realize she was bisexual. She had to be out of an environment where her attraction to women was dismissed, desexualized, and recognized as equal and not diminished by her attraction to men.

I've had friends who had been neutral on men in their lives, who realized they were lesbians only in their 20s because they had been neutral about men they tried to date due to expectations. I know women who transitioned and tried to like men out of gender obligation, who had to work through those feelings and the root of them to actually understand their relationship to orientation.

If we allow space and discussion for the myriad of ways it presents or develops or can be defined, then this becomes less of a fixation point. The fragility of people's identities rooted in NEEDING to strictly define them is not helpful for many, especially younger people. I'm still younger people. I know people who've changed their identities in their 50s. I know there are people I don't personally know who have changed and played with their identities even later in life.

I use language the way I use language because I'm autistic and descriptionist. I can't stop people from being prescriptionist with theirs.

I understand the harm people experience when they cling to identities that no longer suit them. But I can't constantly stop people from harming themselves, I can't control them! I ALSO can feel uncomfortable or out of place when people try to relate to me and utilize the same terms I do but in completely different ways. I don't know how to interact when someone my age comes to me identifying as ace but then also being alarmed when I do not relate to the ways they categorize attraction or lack thereof. It can be very strange to do so. A lack of something is even harder to define than the existence of something.

"also i need to point out that there are literal biological functions that are not done developing until you are over 18. your body and brain and hormones are still growing. you definitely cannot say with any certainty that anyone below the age of 16 knows they experience sexual attraction or not"

Okay, and again, they can just change how they define it. People biologically change their whole lives. Menopause biologically changes people but it doesn't mean that for the period of their life before they may utilize labels to describe their experience before that point, or that those identities may still be important to them after that point.

I didn't say they always know or correctly define if they experience attraction or not? I don't think people can really say with any certainty until they have reason to feel certain. I think people can be 16 and not know and 25 and not know and 52 and not know.

As stated before, I'm intersex. I was also medically altered in a way that potentially is part of why I do not experience attraction idk. I know people who were medically altered similarly who do experience attraction. Idk. I would say 'I don't care' if it would have been different otherwise, but I do care actually, I care a lot, but my reality is what it is now and it has been incredibly harmful to me to try and 'treat' it. If something changes, I will change my identity, and not feel ashamed that I utilized language the way I needed to while it was relevant to me.

I'm autistic and intersex. I don't. I don't know how to phrase this but like. I have never been developmentally categorized as in the position of 'normal.' Because normal is socially defined and enforced. There are stages and ranges that are categorized as 'normal.' People who do not fit those stages or ranges are treated differently. Sometimes they utilize language for it. I don't. Like that's all it is to me.

"finally i need you to understand that by emphasizing “hey, it’s actually completely fine and normal to not be interested in sex at all when you’re in high school” it actually helps prevent teens from being sexually abused. “most teens are allosexual” is NOT the message you want to be spreading."

It is in fact true that emphasizing to children that it is their right and completely fine and acceptable and a boundary they can uphold to not be interested in sex in high school, this is good and useful and helpful. Giving them language for that is important, regardless of why they need it.

It is also important to help prevent abuse by giving them better language and resources on how they may be developing sexually and that they do not need to be ashamed of interest or engage in unsafe sexual practices as a way to explore that. I had friends literally manipulated by the idea that there was something shameful in their development that was only suitable for adults to 'manage' for them and it was part of their exploitation. This is in fact an aspect of abstinence-only education being a failure.

Children also need to be taught even if they ARE developing sexual interest, they can also develop boundaries around it anyway! Shame, confusion, hiding, whatever about this literally directly leads a lot of teenagers into the arms of predators. It alarms and concerns me this topic can somehow shift into statements that may further confuse these lines, so I want to be very clear.

And I want to also state I don't. Ugh. I don't think children by and large actually are easily defined as 'majority straight' or 'majority allosexual' or anything like that. I think that obviously the majority of people meet that, hence my earlier statement of noticing a kind of othering, but I don't actually think that means it's fair to label hordes of children as either straight or allosexual or even cis because it is in fact typical that they wouldn't even know or have a definitive enough relationship to it.

Feeling drawn to describing an experience you have with language that is about how you've felt othered doesn't even mean no one else involved could later define themselves with those terms. Some of the people who were cruel to me found out later they were boys or found out later they were girls or found out later they were gay or found out later they were intersex in a different way from me even.

I AGREE that children should be taught they are allowed to have boundaries??? I agree that children should be taught it's acceptable and valid and completely within their right to not have crushes or interest in dating or interest in sex or be more focused on their other experiences (like poverty, like disability, like race, like trauma, like education, like gender, like media interests, like whatever else??) over defining themselves and their gender and their orientation?

I think we should in fact encourage that it is okay to not know or not need to know yet. I think we should encourage people to realize they don't have to rush experiences they aren't ready for. I have friends whose first relationship was 25 and they never identified as ace or aro, they just were never in a position to get into that part of themselves for a variety of reasons. I don't. I do not understand the reaction to what I've said.

I was upset because an individual child individually defined themselves and some adult in their life was alarmed by a fairly simple identity that was not in any way some permanent or damning aspect. I'm upset because in 2020 I saw some adult literally tell a middle-grade child who identified as asexual on the internet they were 'attracting pedophiles' by identifying publicly as ace. An adult thought it was appropriate to define it that way and say that kind of thing to a child because of the child's identity. A whole lot of other adults agreed with it and kept going on about the inherently sexual nature of the term meant to describe an orientation.

It's just weird. When I told my mom in high school, she became fixated on the ways she might have broken me or made me that way. She became focused on listing all the possible other explanations and getting me to counseling and then devolved into belittling me for it, when all it was was an explanation for how I felt I was experiencing the world. It helped my friends be kinder to me. It helped me be kinder to my friends. It still helps me navigate the ways I may be unable to relate to others.

[sexybabystevie]

✨ So in (positive) response to your lesbian label & liking fictional men post- That’s way more than okay!!! I mean, how many times do straight people say there’s one person they’d go gay for? Sexuality & Romance are all super fluid, like a sea. You can have a pink sea with just a couple food dye drops of blue if you want ☺️ It doesn’t detract from how you identify at all! It’d still be a pink sea! Even though I’m asexual, I find that I like ladies more in real life and men in fiction (but that might be cause theres tons more men lol, and the ones I like tend to be written by women even) But I’m still ace, no matter what anyone else believes. So if you say you’re a lesbian, then I’m the supporting “Let’s go lesbians!!!” fan from behind :)

thank you so, so, so much 😭 i truly cannot explain how much i needed to hear this. for years i've flip flopped between a few different labels, bi and lesbian being some of them, and every time i identified as a lesbian before i just felt like i was lying to myself or to others because i thought maybe one day i would find a guy that i would like. but there are just so many instances where i COULD have been with guys, i could have pursued them or more, but i never did because something always made me feel off and sick about it in a way i can't really explain.

the thing now is that i don't think i could see myself with a guy at all. and yeah, maybe that will change, but i just really do not feel or get what other people who are into guys feel about them. i've only ever fixated on fictional men and sometimes actors, but it's always unattainable and also i really do sincerely think that that wouldn't make me bi, because i'm at a point where calling myself bi doesn't feel right because of all of this.

i don't know, lol. girls are always just easier and can only ever imagine myself with a guy if it's for the purpose of others (as in like societal norms). and i do think a huge part of me being so confused is that i just wanted to be with a guy, even if it didn't feel right to me, because it would be so much easier than being who i really am. it was always just the idea of it rather than my reality, i think.

anyway, sorry if i rambled a lot because i absolutely did not intend on that lol, but i am so incredibly grateful to you and i thank you a lot for sending this in!! <33 i'm sticking with the lesbian label for now and seeing how things go :))

[missgowgow]

I need to make a “don’t make me tap the sign” meme for queer discourse, how many times do we need to tell people that it’s okay to not describe yourself as queer but that:

a. many people, including myself, find it a much more comfortable label, especially in surface-level conversations where you don’t wanna explain exactly why you prefer the label bisexual over pansexual for your own identity and how it relates to your ever-expanding understanding of gender and how that factors into your attraction but actually both labels are equally valid, or why you identify as genderqueer but still use the pronouns associated with your assigned sex at birth, or that yes you present as very cishet but you’re aroace and wow I thought this was monday morning small talk but now we’re doing a brief history lesson on asexuals and queer history

b. lots of people only ever heard queer in a positive context and heard gay, lesbian, fag, dyke, etc. used as insults. my first introduction to the term queer was in my first introduction to the idea of queer history. my first introduction to gay and lesbian were hushed scandalized whispers and my first introduction to bisexual was a generic movie joke about cheating liars. in my head, queer is tied to the idea of us always existing as a community that fought for each other. if we’re going off of what words have never been used to hurt people, there would be no words left so just let people choose what they want for themselves

c. lots of people act like lgbt/lgbt+ just means gay or lesbian, we barely pay attention to the b or t except to yell at them (especially trans people my god) and the + community might as well not exist. using queer often is a way to prioritize all identities equally

(note: if that’s not your experience with lgbt, I’m genuinely happy for you. I’m glad you don’t have that baggage and if you prefer me to refer to you and your personal community as lgbt I will, but respect my preference to be called queer too please)

I’m not denying the genuine reasons some people have to be against the term queer, but the reasonable accommodation for that discomfort is to ask people to not refer to you as queer, to ask your close friends to not use the word around you if it’s a trigger for you, and to do the internal work to understand that when other people in the community use it, they have chosen to do so for reasons that make sense to them.

[kakashihasibs]

Out of curiosity, why do you feel like you’re aromantic? I only ask because I’ve been very seriously thinking that I’m aro, but I keep second guessing myself. I think it would help to hear why another person is aro, but I just don’t encounter a lot of people or bloggers who talk about it.

Feel free to ignore if you want, people irl and on this site are still really weird about aros, so I totally understand not wanting to get into it

Ooougha okay so i have thoughts™ and you are about to get them all good luck lol i get to how i feel in terms of being aro towards the end. I promise this is all building up to that even tho it'snot gonna seem like it at 1st x_x.

(tl;dr: it took me 5 years to feel like i loved my husband and I'm not even sure the love i feel is romantic or not bc it feels the same as how i feel for my friends but overall I'm not even sure what benefit there is for me, personally, to ID as aro bc what's even the purpose of labeling our sexualities, political or personal? (it's a mix of both)

There's, from what I've seen, really two purposes to labeling one's sexuality.

1) political coalition building. -> Hi i am a Gay man and you are a Lesbian we are not The Same but we have political interests that are The Same and we are more powerful and safer together let's have each other's backs. And when there's an issue that affects only you I'll still show up for you and when it's an issue that affects only me you'll still show up for me.

And

2) community and communication. -> hi i am a gay man and you are a man also interested in men (gay/bi) lets be in a community and/or relationship

(Please dont come at me these are both huge over simplifications! I'm build up my thought process to a more complex idea!)

Neither of these things are mutually exclusive, of course, and these are only sorta loose ideas I've seen some people express here and there.

I only note them bc people who focus on number 1, political coalition building, are more often (not always!) a little more down on "micro labels," whether they are exclusionist or not, bc it, they argue, in some way muddies the waters in terms of coalition building. If there's so many niche labels now and we're creating more and more niche labels then we're creating more and more divides and not focusing on keeping each other safe under the same umbrella.

I've also seen the argument that making more and more niche micro labels is related to individualism and commoditization under capitalism. Like "look you too can have ur own special flag and identity! Now buy all this merch to show it off! Give us money!!!"

Which, for both of these concerns, i am sympathetic to to an extent. (Except out right exclusionists, fuck them.)

People who focus more on number 2, community and communication, are generally, in my experience, much more in favor of micro labels. Say ur like me, I'm asexual but I'm also gay but maybe aromantic, but then where does the gay fit in? Oh geez idk. But wait! There's a sexuality that breaks being gay while also aroace down! I have a word(s) for myself! Which inarguably feels good. It makes me feel understood and normal. And now i can find other people who experience sexuality just like me. I can find a small community to feel at home in. Right?

---

i have laid out these two general ideas. The possible purposes i might have for naming/labeling/understand my sexuality.

I approach my sexuality from a political standpoint AND from a personal standpoint which I think most people do bc again they're are not mutually exclusive.

I am in some way not straight (and not cis but not talking about that right now). I have faced violence and discrimination for my sexuality. I want to name my sexuality in order to identify myself with a political movement. I name my sexuality so when I take political actions or make political demands, it is understood by others that i am doing so in solidarity with other people who have face similar oppression. I want to name my sexuality so i can better articulate the problems I face. So other can go to bat for me (and I will go to bat for them even if the issue isnt mine!)

For example, back in the day when ace ~discourse~ was much much worse, I was threatened with corrective rape (irl for the record) but instead of anyone standing in any sort of solidarity with me, i was told i was misappropriating corrective rape. (Which still just fucking blows my mind but besides the point.) This is why exclusionist can fuck off btw. Instead of anything productive they just were yaknow evil. Ugh anyway

I also faced discrimination at the doctors when asked my sexuality. I was honest and said asexual which lead down a whole rabbit hole of bullshit. The coalition building purpose would look like, "i have faced discrimination at the doctors for my sexuality and so have you so lets team up and support a bill that protects patient autonomy and rights"

And on the personal side i can talk to other asexuals who have faced the exact same problems i have. I can find empathy and understand in a way i might not from an allo cis gay guy (that's not dunking on any allo cis gay guy! For the record. We just have different experiences and very similar ones too!).

So you can see the benefit of either approach right? Maybe i just wanna call myself just queer or just gay or just ace and be done with. I have my coalition and maybe my community it still very broad but it is there.

Or maybe i wanna figure out why it took 5 years to feel like i loved my husband. Or why maybe my love for my husband doesn't really feel any different than my love for friends? Should the love i feel for my husband even BE different from the love i feel for my friends? Am i actually even feeling love? We've been together for 12 years what different does it make now anyway?

I feel like I'm probably aro but i also feel like I'm not and I'm "only" asexual.

Things that affect aros affect nearly all of us. We're all impacted by amatonormativity. We all struggle with getting next of kin rights with our chosen family, just to name a couple things. Discussing and supporting aromantism will benefit us all.

But what about discussing someone who is ace aro and gay? Maybe? Idk? Does being aroacegay bring anything new to the table? Or is it just another flag to profit off of for some fucking corporation? I dont know!

For me, is there even any separation between being ace and aro and gay or is it just the same part of me being looked at through too many lenses?

And all of this is what i think and feel when i think or feel like I'm aro x_x which is to say bud i have no fucking clue lol.

All i really know is i will fight for anyone under the queer/lgbtq+ umbrella regardless if it impacts me and i hope and pray that when people like me need the same kind of support everyone else will also fight for us too.

I think I'm done now. Sorry u got this whole ass mess lol. x_x if you have any questions comments or concerns you can DM or anon me any of them :3 I'll happily address them

[aparticularbandit]

Hi again Bandit, thank you for your reply to my ask.

I sent my original ask because I don’t know any other ace people outside of myself, and I’m not out to people irl, so I’ve never had a chance to ask another asexual person about their feelings when it comes to reading sexual scenes in fanfics.

I identify as ageosexual too! I asked how you feel reading sex scenes in reader insert type fics because when I read them, I don’t (or can’t) picture myself in the role of ‘reader’. My mind automatically inserts a character into the ‘reader’ role to make it into a character x character visual in my head. Because the thought of imagining myself involved in any sort of physical intimacy/sex scenes is so repulsive to me. But I didn’t know if I was the only person that did that, or if it was a common thing.

I never know how to explain my identity because my aceness confuses me a bit when it comes to labels to help describe myself. I’m not aromantic because I would definitely be open to a romantic relationship with a woman or a non binary person. And obviously I’m asexual but the characters I am ‘attracted’ to in fics are only ever women. So does that mean I’m a biromantic lesbian asexual too? Or would I have to be interested in men also to be biromantic? (I’m not interested in men at all in any way)

No problem! Labels are confusing and complicated and navigating all of this own your own without a support or someone to talk about it with is HARD. I did a lot of my learning on my own, too, which meant a lot of playing around with labels and not feeling quite comfortable with them because it can be hard to find one(s) that fit with your experiences! And it's so hard when you don't have someone else to talk to about all of it! I'm honored you're talking with me, tbh.

You do not have to be attracted to men to be biromantic. Bi usually refers to being attracted to two or more genders, so women and non-binary, being two or more, counts!

You can use that label if you want, if you feel it fits you best, but I would be careful with it. I know that there are a lot of people who would question the term biromantic lesbian because there's a lot of discourse over lesbian as a term being used solely for women who are attracted to other women. Historically speaking, that isn't true. The term lesbian - historically speaking - has also included bisexuals, and there's a post that actually went really in-depth on this with sources and everything; I've reblogged it before but my tag systems are. Actually not bad, but I've had this blog for years so trying to find one specific post in a lot of them is. rough. (This post is close to what I'm looking for in terms of historical context, but it's not the exact one. I can try and look more later and find it! I'm just. not in a reliable place to do so right now, unfortunately. If I do, I'll post it again so you can see it!) So I would use the term biromantic lesbian with caution because it can cause unwelcome reactions (the past couple of times I've brought it up, I've gotten questions about it that I don't answer because frankly I shouldn't have to defend my labels. I'm okay deleting and blocking unwelcome Nonnies, but if you're not - like, I want you to be aware there are potential risks in the label. Oddly enough, no one has asked about lesbian asexual, but I guess that's another thing).

I tend to use asexual in most company, because that's a term that's easy to explain without having to get into the messy complications of romantic orientation and what it means and why I use biromantic instead of panromantic (I liked how this post differentiated between the two and found my experiences lined up more with bi than pan, as my attractions to different genders is. different. I'm a sensual ace, which means I still want to kiss and make out and stuff, but I don't want to do any of that with guys. Just. No). Being able to clarify that you aren't aro is good if you're seeking a romantic relationship, even if you're not sure where on the romantic spectrum you fit or what label applies the best!

And that's the thing - labels are - they're fluid, you know? Finding a label that fits can change throughout your lifetime as you find ones that fit your experiences better (or as your experiences change), and that's fine! You should never be afraid of trying a label on, finding it doesn't fit, and switching to a different one, and you shouldn't have to worry about using multiple as a way to try and explain yourself when you find that one, on its own, doesn't fit.

And if you can't find a romantic orientation label that you like, you can always use alloromantic, which really just means that you aren't aro (like allosexual vs. asexual - doesn't mean attraction to all genders, just means you're definitely attracted to at least one gender).