#aspec advice

[aspec-advice]

hello!

So uhhh, I’ve been aspec for a very long time, however I’ve never been able to put a finger on any aromantic labels and my asexual labels fall apart when put under a magnifying glass. I was wondering if there were any micro labels that seemed outstandingly fitting because for some reason in all my research I have not run across any. With my aromantic-ness, I THINK I feel romantic attraction. Like, I have a whole hierarchy of attraction and have people I’d love to hypothetically do cute romantic things with, but the hypothetical doesn’t last long because imagining myself in a REAL romantic situation gives me the ick. Also whenever anyone shows the slightest hint of romantic attraction to me I can’t be around them anymore. This has zero application to fiction though. I get fictional crushes all the time and I’ve found myself unironically enjoying dating sims (sobbing because I’ll never have that). On the asexual side of the spectrum, I think I’m totally 100% fine with anything sensual but anything else has the same hypothetical thing where I don’t like to think of myself in that type of situation. This one is less strong though, I feel a bit less sex repulsed I think.

All this aside, I still really want a partner (or maybe multiple) but I don’t know if this is just a trauma response I have to work through, or if it’s something I’m stuck with and I’ll always feel icky. I’m at least demiromantic and greysexual, if you can name any labels even just for me to look into or anything about types of relationships that might work that would be extremely kind and helpful. Hope you have a wonderful day!

(sorry this is so long-)

hello!! so i found a few labels that might pertain to what you're saying 9tbh they work a bit better if they're combined lol), so there's aegoromantic which is liking romance but not wanting to be in a romantic relationship, bellusromantic which is interest in aspects of a romantic relationship but not actually feeling romantic attraction (kinda similar to cupioromantic), you mentioned a trauma response and caedromantic is linked to that, it's like someone once felt romantic attraction but due to trauma they no longer do, frayromantic is feeling romantic attraction at first but losing it once getting to know the person better (this feels most similar to what you were describing), and lithromantic which is experiencing romantic attraction but not wanting it to be reciprocated. out of all of these labels the ones that appear to align most with what you were talking about are frayromantic, bellusromantic, and lithromantic! in regards to the asexual thing you could honestly just be a sex neutral or sex positive asexual! i am a sex neutral asexual btw lol. i think being in a relationship might be hard but if you're younger or have like self esteem or mental health things that you're dealing with that might also be a really big part about why you're uncomfortable with being in a relationship. i thought i was aromantic for a really long time because i just didn't like being in a relationship because i didn't like the idea of someone like getting to know me on a deeper level and actually liking me despite knowing me that well because like i couldn't like myself, but as i've grown and gotten more comfortable with myself that viewpoint has changed and i no longer feel uncomfortable in a relationship! if you do want a partner i would suggest dating someone who is also on the aromantic and asexual spectrum because that will make explaining everything much easier!

i hope this helped!!

mars

[sleepyjuice-juice]

Only a few months ago, I was struggling to accept that I was aroacespec. Because years ago, I was actually able to feel some attraction, and I'd been a hopeless romantic all my life. Over time, the feelings disappeared, and I was mourning those feelings. I had just expected myself to end up in a relationship with someone eventually and suddenly I was forced to question those expectations. And that was painful, because romantic love was something I'd looked forward to my entire life.

What changed things for me was when I finally was able to meet other people like me. By coincidence, at a summer seminar, I sat down at a lunch table with people all on the aspectrum. And I had never met another person like me before, I had only heard of being aroace from the internet. The connections I formed there are ones I'll never, ever forget.

Confronting my orientation ended up putting so much into perspective. It made me realize that I let factors outside of my control take ownership of my happiness. I let my well-being be defined by a specific experience I couldn't find the capacity for. I realized how in my own desperation for a very specific experience and emotion, I ended up alienating myself. I devoted myself to a version of joy that wasn't compatible with me anymore, and needless to say, it didn't work out.

Not being able to fall in love doesn't bar me from living a full life. And I can finally say that with a confidence I previously wasn't sure I would ever develop. And not only that, but I'm so proud to have this experience. It was a hard lesson that yielded genuine self-love. I honestly don't know who I'd be without it, anymore. If romance was still an option for me, I might still be chasing it and letting it define my worth. I'm so happy my experience has, in my eyes, finally achieved more value to me than the alternative I so desperately sought after.

For anyone else out there experiencing those aspec blues, you truly are not alone, and for what it's worth, I think you can thrive with or without that experience. Forge your own path. There will be something else that makes you tick if you give yourself the chance to find it.

[aaravos-answers]

Hiii, so I'm in my first relationship ever and my boyfriend and I have only kisse twice. The only problem is both times I did not like it. It made me feel extremely uncomfortable even though I was the one who initiated it both times.

I'm perfectly aware I am asexual. I am also genuinely attracted to him romantically and enjoy any other types of physical contact, (hugging, cheek kisses, hand holding, etc.)

But how will I be able to hold future relationships if I don't like being kissed. Maybe it was just a bad first two times? Am I aro, or something else? Please help!

Starling, if you dislike it you need not do it. Asexuality is a spectrum. Some aces enjoy kissing, some are repulsed by it. Perhaps you are arospec, perhaps not; that does not necessarily have any bearing on your enjoyment of kissing.

I'd advise looking at this one thing alone, you need not reconsider your labels for it. Does it make you happy at this time? It matters not if it might make you happy in future, or what others think of it. Does kissing make you happy?

It sounds like it does not. If that is correct, it might be best to avoid it for now. If you later wish to try it again, you can, it's no loss.

Be kind to yourself, little one. You are young, you have time. There will be others like you, I promise. Even if you never enjoy kissing, there are others who feel the same, and still others who enjoy it but enjoy your company more.

You'll be all right, starling. I was.

[aspec-of-dust]

As an aroace in her 30s with a corporate office job, I feel this. There's so much small talk that happens around relationships and having children. Here are some strategies I recommend for navigating these kinds of conversations:

1. When someone asks "what's new with you" or "how's life treating you" (particularly at a family-type gathering where they might be trying to sus out if you're dating), I generally answer with "Things are going well! Work's been good and I'm keeping busy" (you can just stick with "keeping busy" if you don't want to share details about work).

I also try to share details about my hobbies, particularly with coworkers or peers: "Things are going well, my trivia team has been on a roll the last couple of weeks, we've been killing our best score;" "Things are good, I've started going for walks everyday and the weather has been so nice;" or even "Things are good, I've been looking for a new hobby. I've been thinking about taking a pottery/art class, but I'm still looking for a good fit. Do you have any recommendations?"

1. a. But Dusty, you keep saying "Things are good," what if this are decidedly Not Good™? Good question! Frankly this is entirely up to you, but when it comes to small talk, you don't owe anyone the actual nitty gritty details of your life, and I personally find setting up small talk with "Things are good" reinforces the idea that your single status is a positive choice and that you're happy with the structure of your life, even if you're not explicitly talking about relationships—especially when talking to people you're not particularly close to.

2. When talking about what you did over the weekend/a holiday/break with coworkers or acquaintances, instead of "I went camping" or "I went to the movies," if I went with other people, I'll rephrase it as "We went camping" or "We went to the movies." As someone who values my platonic relationships and wants to center them in my life, I think this is a subtle way I can do this. Especially since coupled people will often discuss activities they do with their partner as "we." If you don't care about platonic relationships or are simply not interested in giving them that kind of focus, I think this is another opportunity to reinforce your enjoyment of doing things alone. For example, "I had such a great weekend! I went to the movies and then got to play a video game I'd been looking forward to" or "this weekend was so nice! I finally got a chance to catch up on some rest and do some laundry if been putting off." And like, if I didn't do anything exciting, I have no shame in sharing "small" things like this I did alone during small talk.

3. Show enthusiasm about things in your life. This can definitely be a challenge, and in a work setting it can be hard to find the line between too much information and not being too withdrawn, but in general if you can share your interests, talk about your pets and open up a bit to others, they'll generally receive you where you are. Keeping a positive attitude (or a fake it until you make it positive attitude) will provide a sense of confidence in who you are that's easier to engage with.

4. Show interest in other people. Okay so like, this is the flip side of point 3. If you're not super into sharing stuff about yourself, showing interest in other people is a great way to get to know them and build casual relationships (which could become stronger relationships if you want!)

Okay, but Dusty, these are fine, but I'm not really concerned about coworkers, I was mostly thinking about friends—No worries, I got you!

1. If your friend group is only interested in relationships and the future, you might either need to start expanding your friend group or see if your friend group would be interested in trying new things together. Meeting people through hobbies (sign up for an ongoing class, club or sports team that interests you) is a great way to connect with people who have similar interests to you and will give you something to talk and that's not work or relationships.

1.a. Also, your friends might not realize they're doing this, so before cutting anyone out, definitely have a conversation with them to set boundaries like "hey, I'm happy to hear about your date, but I'm not interested in dating, so I'm uncomfortable when you ask me about my dating experience."

2. Most people suck at small talk, sometimes you just need to guide the conversation. Lots of people default to talking about careers and relationships because to them it feels easy and universal. I've found most people are happy to change the subject if you can provide other things to talk about. Basics like tv/movies/sports/weather are good go tos for a reason. But I'd also recommend not being afraid to bring up things that are interesting or important to you.

I think it's totally normal to be bad at small talk and connections in your 20s, especially if you're just leaving school. These things take practice — Plus, I promise, you'll start to care a lot less about what other people think of you by the time you're 30, so even if the pressure feels insurmountable now, it will get easier!

tl;dr: as difficult as it can be, I think the most important thing for small talk and making connections as a non-partnering person is to be your own hype person. I find so often the reason people default to relationships and careers is because it's normalized. So many people are totally happy to talk about other things if you provide other topics to talk about.

Bonus pro-tip: Try not to take it personally when people talk about their relationships. For partnering people, their relationships are important to them and are a big part of their lives! Just make sure you're still taking space to share what's important to you and a big part of your life!

I think that being aroace and not having big life aspirations is making it so hard for me to form connections. All everyone wants to talk about is relationships, or my plans for the future, and i just have nothing to contribute to the conversation. It makes me feel so insecure and like i'm a boring person that has no personality.

[mackthecheese]

Do you have any advice for someone questioning and considering if they're asexual or like tips i have no idea what I'm doing

Oh dang am I a "queer elder" now? Giving advice? Gosh I can try.

The biggest thing to remember here is that asexuality is a spectrum. A gay 50-year-old man who enjoys sex but doesn't actively seek it out and an 18-year-old straight girl who pukes at the mere thought of having sex are both asexual. The only requirement for being asexual is a lack of or shortage of sexual attraction. If you feel like the people around you are a lot more interested in sex than you are, you're probably asexual.

In my experience, I always knew I wasn't into sex the way everyone around me was, even as early as middle school. I was uncomfortable when the conversation shifted to sex and what my friends picked up on their latest trip to the back of Spencer's. I smiled along and sat silently until the conversation naturally drifted onto something I was interested in, like the new Kirby game that was coming out that week. It wasn't until my freshman year of high school that I learned the term asexual and I knew immediately that it was one I identified with. Even now, years later, I know my initial instinct was right. I am happy and comfortable identifying as asexual and I highly doubt that will ever change for me.

If you think asexuality is a term that fits for you, you can call yourself asexual. The ace community is very welcoming and supportive of everyone on the spectrum. If you realize later on that you don't identify with the term asexual anymore, that's totally fine! Experimentation with different labels and identities is an extremely important part of finding who you really are. I wish you all the best in finding yourself! <333

[a-confused-teen-venting]

wait people actually date because they think about being with that person for the rest of their life? like to get married and all?

[queer-advice-hotline]

i miss the aro-ace confessions blog a lot. i’m ace myself and it was one of my favorite places to find community with fellow aspecs. now that the blog’s inactive i don’t know where to go. do you have any aspec spaces to recommend? advice in the notes is welcome as well :) thanks for starting this blog!

@our-aroace-experience and @our-queerplatonic-experience and @our-aromantic-experience are all great for sharing your experiences, asking questions, and interacting.

@fuckyeahasexual is great for other ace content.

I'm afraid that's all I have for the moment, tag some good aspec accounts if you know them!

[ahungeringknife]

Let's talk about Aspec characters and relationships!

I'm aroace. I write a lot of characters who are aspec in some way. I have a lot of aspec friends. And this is why your aspec character is driving me crazy. There's also sex talk in here so if you're not mature enough to handle it please scroll past.

Edit: Allos also should reblog this if you found it helpful.

First lets get some terms right:

Aromantic (aro) and Asexual (ace) are two distinct things. Aroace means you're both aromantic and asexual at the same time. It is generally referred to as 'aspec' (aro/ace spectrum) when you fall on one or both spectrums. If you are not aspec you are allosexual/alloromantic (allo). It just means someone who isn't ace or aro. You can also be aroallo or aceallo (aromantic allosexual, asexual alloromantic). All these terms are neutral and not used in derogatory ways similar to trans/cis. It's a descriptive word not a put down.

Now about those characters and their relationships. Because that is the most :))))) to me as an aroace is when people just don't know how to handle an aspec character. Usually because they're allo. But that's okay you probably don't know and we're all here to learn from each other. Here's some things to consider when you want to make or write an aspec person.

Ace's do sometimes have sex. They just aren't motivated by sex. That's it.

Along with sex your ace character may also masturbate and feel good being touched. They also might only like touching themselves and hate when other people do it. They usually also know when someone is hot/sexy and will comment on it. Finding someone sexy =/= we want to fuck them. Thinking someone is hot =/= we want to fuck them. We're still human. We know what a hot human looks like. Your ace character might be attracted to someone's appearance aesthetically but have no interest in their bits. Your ace character might fall in love with the most beautiful person in your story and never show any interest of wanting to bed them.

They can have boyfriends/girlfriends/romantic partners they do or don't have sex with. But they can be anywhere on the spectrum of sex repulsive, to sex positive, to absolute sex hound. Some of the horniest people you know are probably ace. Some of the horniest people I know are ace, and I have a lot of ace friends.

And we're not all virgins. Some ace's had sex and realized 'nah fam. Didn't do it for me' and never did it again. Others are virgins and have no intention ever of having sex. Others are virgins but don't care either way? It just hasn't happened. Others enjoy sex with their partners. Some are parents! You can be ace and had enough sex to procreate. Some also think sex is icky or it squicks them out. Some might be squicked out at the thought of sex with another person but they're fine looking at porn or doing it themselves. There is a wide range of what asexuals are into just like allos.

Aros also sometimes do the sex. They are not motivated by romance. That's it.

That being said your aro character can have a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner and it can be 'romantic'. It doesn't have to be a queer platonic relationship. Your aro character also might not want to be in a relationship at all. It is not weird for your aro character to call their partner their partner or bf/gf or if they're married their husband/wife.

Aro people do not get butterflies. They don't really get flustered around people they like. There's no spark. And they don't feel that romantic attraction allos do when they meet someone and fall in love with them. I've found that aro people are also terrible at flirting or picking up flirting cues. At least in my own personal experience when it took my aro ass 3 years to realize some girl was flirting with me and I just thought she was being nice to me. Take the 'useless lesbian' trope and take it to 11. We just don't know. Aro people also know when other people are hot. Just like aces just because we're aro doesn't mean we don't know a baddy when we see one. We just probably won't realize said baddy is flirting with us...

Aro character still love. They love their family, they love their friends, they love their partners. And it's all real love. The love is still there. Aro characters also probably know what they should do to mimic being in love. Even if we don't love someone more than platonically they may still do the things romantic partners do with their partner. Some don't! And that's fine too. Sometimes you're boyfriends and you share the same bed with him, and sometimes your girlfriend is just your roommate. Both are totally valid aro relationships. Maybe your character kisses their partner passionately and they like it, or they might only kiss during sex, or they might not kiss on the mouth. All valid and correct, still no romo. Kissing =/= romance for aros. Sex =/=romance for aros.

Aroace characters do all those things! At once! They can do the sex, and the boyfriend/girlfriend/partner and loving their friends. They just are not motivated by sex or romance. Kissing =/= sexual attraction. Sex =/= romantic love.

Being aspec is looking at the most beautiful and delicious cake in the world and going 'neat, cake' and walking away not even wondering what it tastes like, not even for a second considering having a bite. It's a cake. Neat. You are not motivated by cake. You don't even really care about cake. It's nice that other people fucking loooooooove cake but it's just not for you.

We also know what love is supposed to be like, what a 'healthy sexual' relationship should feel like. It's everywhere. All around us. Constantly. It's also sometimes fucking exhausting! It's why some aspec people can be a bit agro. We get it you're in love/got a new partner/are sleeping with someone/really sexually attracted to this person/keep spamming us with your celeb thirst pics/etc. It does get tiring sometimes. We don't care about the cake and sometimes listening to you talk about the cake drives us crazy. Consider that too when writing aspec characters. Sometimes their friends and their cakes are annoying no matter how much they love them platonically or romantically.

Anyway just some things to consider for your aspec OCs from an older aroace. Should be said aspec is a wide spectrum and I'm drawing on my own experience as an aroace with aspec friends, and my writing of those characters. If you have more questions about writing characters on this spectrum feel free to ask!

[trycksy]

People don't believe in asexuality. I accept that I'll always be flirted with bc I'm nice, I smile, and it makes me seem attractive. But I don't know how to express that I'm not interested. If I say I'm ace, they won't believe me.

If I say I'm not interested, they'll often turn on me and treat me like dirt.

Do I have to dress down and cut off my hair and look different from what I want to escape the daily onslaught of being hit on?

Am I being ungrateful? Am I supposed to feel complimented when a guy looks me up and down lustfully?

Can I get advice on how to feel because I was groomed to accept and respond positively to being hit on, but I no longer feel accepting. I feel disgusted with my own body when someone compliments it. I wanna hide.

[rants-and-rebloggs]

im pretty sure I'm aroace, and I'm cool with that, I don't want romance... But I'm worried if I don't have a long term partner, then I'll always be second place in other people's lives. I'll be no one's favorite. And maybe that's okay, but it's scary to me

[our-aroace-experience]

How do you know if you're aspec? Like if you feel literally zero attraction you can tell pretty easily. But what if you feel some? How do I know if I fall into the allo range or the grey range? I hate how wishy washy all the definitions are and apparently a lot of them are wrong too because I've been seeing people criticise them.... My logical rational brain needs some numbers :(

unfortunately there’s really no solid way to explain feelings, they just simply don’t fit into neat boxes. you could possibly try and compare the amount of attraction you feel to those around you, and see if it feels different enough that you care to label it?

i believe that @askanallo has a post about frequency of attraction as well if you’d like to look there!

[aspec-advice]

‘Looking for an aspec label that is about only experiencing sexual attraction after sex’ anon here again. I wasn’t sure if I’ve asked this blog a similar question before but anyways thanks for the response

Personally I’m a bit hesitant to use ‘demisexual’ to describe my experiences because I’ve found that typically people use that term to reference needing to experience a platonic or romantic bond before experiencing sexual attraction and that’s not the case with me

Hi!! I think that people do typically use that label regarding romantic or platonic bonds but when I looked it up the actual definition just said, "emotional bond" and I would classify sex as an emotional bond, at least in my experience. I would say just because most people use a label to mean one thing, that doesn't mean that's all it can be used for. But ultimately, it is up to you for how you want to use labels. If you think demisexual describes you, you should use it, it's your identity and you can describe it with whatever you want. I understand your hesitation though, just know that the way a label is used by other people is not going to be how that label is for everyone. Personally, I use the label asexual to describe my experience but there's probably a better fit somewhere else on the spectrum because of how I experience sexual attraction, asexual is just how I feel comfortable labeling myself. If you feel comfortable using demisexual to describe yourself you should, if not that's cool too! Just remember that labels are for your comfort not for the comfort of other people.

I hope this helps a bit more possibly (?)

mars

[podcast-official]

jet being aroace was such a funny character decision because his unnatural disaster days are accurate to how my aroace and asexual friends act tbh.

[lexidius]

is it possible to be demisexual but also extremely hypersexual and hyperromatic when the feelings Do come up, and they come up a Lot because once you actually get close enough to someone to consider them a Good Friend you can't help but Get Thoughts? asking for a friend

THIS POST IS NOT DATEBAIT FOR HORNYPOSTERS.

[gay-questions]

Hi, I've been wanting to know what allo, aspec, acespec, aro, ace, and aroace all mean, I know they're all different but have no idea what they are individually.

This is a great question, and I’m glad you’re curious!

Allosexual means someone who feels sexual attraction to everyone regardless of their sexuality. As an example, a straight woman may only want to date guys but if she identifies as allosexual, she’s attracted sexually to everyone including men.

Aspec is an umbrella term for people who are part of the asexual and/or aromantic community.

Acespec, on the other hand, is an umbrella term for people who are part of the asexual community only.

Aro is short for aromantic, which is someone who doesn’t feel romantic attraction to anyone.

Ace is short for asexual, who is someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction to anyone.

Aroace is a combination of the two words above, made to describe someone who is asexual and aromantic, therefore not feeling romantic or sexual attraction to anyone.

I hope this helped!

[freezingfogsblog]

how to deal with a crush aspec friendly DIY tutorial