#aspec advice

[aspec-advice]

fellow aspec friends, I have a question for y'all and anyone else reading this. Do you ever immerse yourself in fictional relationships when it comes to sexual stuff only because imagining going further with your partner makes you feel dirty and/or gross? I am somewhere on the ace spectrum (I just say aceflux) because it really depends, but especially lately my partner has been trying to go further and I've been having bad thoughts regarding us doing stuff together. But we talk about fictional characters/original characters having relations very, very often, and it doesn't make me feel as scared/dirty with myself about it. I just wondered if anyone else related and/or understood where I was coming from

HI OMG YES so ive had sex one (1) time and i was not as into it as the other person was which i thought was weird bc like fictional shit is fine for me but in real life it was absolutely not SO i totally get what you're saying. like the thought of actually doing sexual shit is really gross to me as well idk why or how but it just weirds me out but with fiction it's so fine idek. i absolutely understand where you're coming from woooo!!

mars

[sleepyjuice-juice]

Only a few months ago, I was struggling to accept that I was aroacespec. Because years ago, I was actually able to feel some attraction, and I'd been a hopeless romantic all my life. Over time, the feelings disappeared, and I was mourning those feelings. I had just expected myself to end up in a relationship with someone eventually and suddenly I was forced to question those expectations. And that was painful, because romantic love was something I'd looked forward to my entire life.

What changed things for me was when I finally was able to meet other people like me. By coincidence, at a summer seminar, I sat down at a lunch table with people all on the aspectrum. And I had never met another person like me before, I had only heard of being aroace from the internet. The connections I formed there are ones I'll never, ever forget.

Confronting my orientation ended up putting so much into perspective. It made me realize that I let factors outside of my control take ownership of my happiness. I let my well-being be defined by a specific experience I couldn't find the capacity for. I realized how in my own desperation for a very specific experience and emotion, I ended up alienating myself. I devoted myself to a version of joy that wasn't compatible with me anymore, and needless to say, it didn't work out.

Not being able to fall in love doesn't bar me from living a full life. And I can finally say that with a confidence I previously wasn't sure I would ever develop. And not only that, but I'm so proud to have this experience. It was a hard lesson that yielded genuine self-love. I honestly don't know who I'd be without it, anymore. If romance was still an option for me, I might still be chasing it and letting it define my worth. I'm so happy my experience has, in my eyes, finally achieved more value to me than the alternative I so desperately sought after.

For anyone else out there experiencing those aspec blues, you truly are not alone, and for what it's worth, I think you can thrive with or without that experience. Forge your own path. There will be something else that makes you tick if you give yourself the chance to find it.

[aaravos-answers]

Hiii, so I'm in my first relationship ever and my boyfriend and I have only kisse twice. The only problem is both times I did not like it. It made me feel extremely uncomfortable even though I was the one who initiated it both times.

I'm perfectly aware I am asexual. I am also genuinely attracted to him romantically and enjoy any other types of physical contact, (hugging, cheek kisses, hand holding, etc.)

But how will I be able to hold future relationships if I don't like being kissed. Maybe it was just a bad first two times? Am I aro, or something else? Please help!

Starling, if you dislike it you need not do it. Asexuality is a spectrum. Some aces enjoy kissing, some are repulsed by it. Perhaps you are arospec, perhaps not; that does not necessarily have any bearing on your enjoyment of kissing.

I'd advise looking at this one thing alone, you need not reconsider your labels for it. Does it make you happy at this time? It matters not if it might make you happy in future, or what others think of it. Does kissing make you happy?

It sounds like it does not. If that is correct, it might be best to avoid it for now. If you later wish to try it again, you can, it's no loss.

Be kind to yourself, little one. You are young, you have time. There will be others like you, I promise. Even if you never enjoy kissing, there are others who feel the same, and still others who enjoy it but enjoy your company more.

You'll be all right, starling. I was.

[aspec-of-dust]

As an aroace in her 30s with a corporate office job, I feel this. There's so much small talk that happens around relationships and having children. Here are some strategies I recommend for navigating these kinds of conversations:

1. When someone asks "what's new with you" or "how's life treating you" (particularly at a family-type gathering where they might be trying to sus out if you're dating), I generally answer with "Things are going well! Work's been good and I'm keeping busy" (you can just stick with "keeping busy" if you don't want to share details about work).

I also try to share details about my hobbies, particularly with coworkers or peers: "Things are going well, my trivia team has been on a roll the last couple of weeks, we've been killing our best score;" "Things are good, I've started going for walks everyday and the weather has been so nice;" or even "Things are good, I've been looking for a new hobby. I've been thinking about taking a pottery/art class, but I'm still looking for a good fit. Do you have any recommendations?"

1. a. But Dusty, you keep saying "Things are good," what if this are decidedly Not Good™? Good question! Frankly this is entirely up to you, but when it comes to small talk, you don't owe anyone the actual nitty gritty details of your life, and I personally find setting up small talk with "Things are good" reinforces the idea that your single status is a positive choice and that you're happy with the structure of your life, even if you're not explicitly talking about relationships—especially when talking to people you're not particularly close to.

2. When talking about what you did over the weekend/a holiday/break with coworkers or acquaintances, instead of "I went camping" or "I went to the movies," if I went with other people, I'll rephrase it as "We went camping" or "We went to the movies." As someone who values my platonic relationships and wants to center them in my life, I think this is a subtle way I can do this. Especially since coupled people will often discuss activities they do with their partner as "we." If you don't care about platonic relationships or are simply not interested in giving them that kind of focus, I think this is another opportunity to reinforce your enjoyment of doing things alone. For example, "I had such a great weekend! I went to the movies and then got to play a video game I'd been looking forward to" or "this weekend was so nice! I finally got a chance to catch up on some rest and do some laundry if been putting off." And like, if I didn't do anything exciting, I have no shame in sharing "small" things like this I did alone during small talk.

3. Show enthusiasm about things in your life. This can definitely be a challenge, and in a work setting it can be hard to find the line between too much information and not being too withdrawn, but in general if you can share your interests, talk about your pets and open up a bit to others, they'll generally receive you where you are. Keeping a positive attitude (or a fake it until you make it positive attitude) will provide a sense of confidence in who you are that's easier to engage with.

4. Show interest in other people. Okay so like, this is the flip side of point 3. If you're not super into sharing stuff about yourself, showing interest in other people is a great way to get to know them and build casual relationships (which could become stronger relationships if you want!)

Okay, but Dusty, these are fine, but I'm not really concerned about coworkers, I was mostly thinking about friends—No worries, I got you!

1. If your friend group is only interested in relationships and the future, you might either need to start expanding your friend group or see if your friend group would be interested in trying new things together. Meeting people through hobbies (sign up for an ongoing class, club or sports team that interests you) is a great way to connect with people who have similar interests to you and will give you something to talk and that's not work or relationships.

1.a. Also, your friends might not realize they're doing this, so before cutting anyone out, definitely have a conversation with them to set boundaries like "hey, I'm happy to hear about your date, but I'm not interested in dating, so I'm uncomfortable when you ask me about my dating experience."

2. Most people suck at small talk, sometimes you just need to guide the conversation. Lots of people default to talking about careers and relationships because to them it feels easy and universal. I've found most people are happy to change the subject if you can provide other things to talk about. Basics like tv/movies/sports/weather are good go tos for a reason. But I'd also recommend not being afraid to bring up things that are interesting or important to you.

I think it's totally normal to be bad at small talk and connections in your 20s, especially if you're just leaving school. These things take practice — Plus, I promise, you'll start to care a lot less about what other people think of you by the time you're 30, so even if the pressure feels insurmountable now, it will get easier!

tl;dr: as difficult as it can be, I think the most important thing for small talk and making connections as a non-partnering person is to be your own hype person. I find so often the reason people default to relationships and careers is because it's normalized. So many people are totally happy to talk about other things if you provide other topics to talk about.

Bonus pro-tip: Try not to take it personally when people talk about their relationships. For partnering people, their relationships are important to them and are a big part of their lives! Just make sure you're still taking space to share what's important to you and a big part of your life!

I think that being aroace and not having big life aspirations is making it so hard for me to form connections. All everyone wants to talk about is relationships, or my plans for the future, and i just have nothing to contribute to the conversation. It makes me feel so insecure and like i'm a boring person that has no personality.

[destroy-the-binary]

A little reminder that asexuals are valid! ❤️

[drowninginredink]

(╹ -╹)? so what would your suggestions for writing an aplatonic character be?

Hmm... Okay well, maybe this is a bad point to start off on, because it involves me making an assumption about whoever is reading this, but I'm going to start with it anyway because it's what I thought about first. I figure that if you're asking this question, there's a pretty high chance you're some flavor of aspec. I think alloplatonic aces and/or aros are the ones most likely to want to give other aspecs representation. And if that is the case and you are somewhere on the a-spectrum, the biggest thing I can say is that if you ask me, all aspec experiences are the same. Like yes, the way society treats romance, sex, friendship, family, etc are all different and so being aro, ace, apl, afam, etc are all different, but so many of the basic experiences repeat.

You hear a lot of aces and aros talk about how they either picked someone at random to say was their crush as a kid, or they just picked the person who seemed nicest. They weren't aware that other people didn't choose one by some method, they had actual feelings for them they couldn't control. Similarly, when I ended up in different classes and a different lunch than all my friends in school and quickly discovered that if I didn't want to have lunch alone, I needed to make new friends, what did I do? I found a person who had a lot in common with me (at the time, being very good at school and coming from a conservative Christian background) and went "yeah, I should probably try and be her friend." There was absolutely no emotional desire—it was just logic.

And a lot of this applies to all queer identities, honestly. How many stories do we hear about someone coming out as bi, and their mom says "oh, I just thought everyone was interested in girls and boys?" We all just assume that our experiences are normal. So just as a trans person might have assumed that everyone feel disconnected from their bodies or an aromantic might assume that crushes are exaggerated to create drama in media, an aplatonic might assume that everyone only really cares about their friends when they're there and doesn't miss them when they're gone. They probably aren't going to understand why some people are so reluctant to try new things if they don't know anyone there, because to them, whether they're surrounded by strangers or friends doesn't make much difference. Etc.

So that's one thing I'll say. You can very much take your own experience of what queerness is like and map it onto the norms about friendship.

I think one thing that is important to mention is that if we are comparing to other aspec experiences, you'll see a lot of narratives, both in fiction and real life, where aro and ace characters have never been in those kinds of relationships because they never wanted them. That's almost impossible to have as an aplatonic. Even if you were the kid who was ostracized for one reason or another, there's always that one exception. People will try to adopt people who have no friends. People will declare themselves your friend even if you just see them as "that person I carpool with to rehearsal and talk to sometimes." It is almost never socially acceptable to say "no, actually I don't want to be friends." If you're a child, you'll often get punished for it; if you're an adult, you usually have to nod along to whatever they say and pretend to care and hope that eventually they notice that you'd prefer to be left alone. Obviously aplatonics with friends and who like having friends exist (hell, I'm one) but even those who don't tend to have someone just because it is extremely hard to be completely left alone if you participate in anything at all. And even if we might not consider the people we do hobbies with or talk to sometimes friends, that doesn't always go both ways.

And of course, you do need some kind of support network in the world. If you're alloromantic, aplatonic, and monogamous, you might want your partner to be the person who meets all of your needs and is everything for you... but that might not be practical. They might not like that. And if you're not in that kind of relationship, you may end up having friends for utility. It's easier to find a sexual partner if you can go along with also being their friend. Again, you might want someone to talk to about a hobby or shared interest, and in order to get that, you also have to perform the role of friendship.

The whole idea of friendship needing to have a purpose or reason or place is a big thing to me. Like, as a kid, I didn't make any friends in my dance classes for years, and I didn't care because in my eyes, I wasn't there for socialization, I was there because I liked to dance. So who cares? But meanwhile, at lunch in school? Friends have a purpose at lunch. You need a place to sit, and you need something to entertain you while you eat. So finding people to be with at lunch is important. Recess is the same way. At work? I have absolutely no interest in being friends with my coworkers. I'm at work to do work. Even if I have downtime, I still generally want to spend it on some other kind of "work" like writing. If I want to friend, that's a separate activity. I friend in my free time.

So to me, being aplatonic means I think about people's specific roles in my life and what they fill, instead of just the vague idea of friendship and that I like having people around. One friend is useful as a writing partner who I do writing sprints with. Another is nice because they're in a different time zone, so they're often awake and around during the part of work where I get bored and all my friends are asleep. Another has known me through all my mental health struggles and is generally a great listener, so they're useful to talk to about that stuff because they already have all the necessary context and immediately understand things. And yeah, as I mentioned before, another is just a really good lay, but we aren't going to only screw for twelve hours straight, so friendship does happen in the breaks in between.

And a final note — being aplatonic means I really don't mind leaving people behind. If someone moves away? I enjoyed them while it lasted, but I'm not going to be super inclined to keep things going. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. A play I'm in ends, so I won't be seeing that group of people every day anymore? Even though I really enjoyed working with them, I'm not going to mind or miss them especially. If someone actively ends a friendship with me? Well that's different. That's a form of rejection, and could be the result of me hurting them in some way or an argument that went badly. All of that is going to sting, if nothing else, because it's a form of failure. I did something wrong. But if circumstances change or we just grow apart? I'm not going to mind.

I've said this before, but that's the aplatonic story I'd really like to see. So many stories are about people who go on some big quest or adventure, and in the process it ends up creating these strong unbreakable bonds between them. They're closer than brothers now. They will never be separated again. You can see that everywhere from Lord of the Rings to Shrek and Donkey. I want to see the story where the group gets along well and they accomplish everything they set out to do, but at the end they all go their separate ways again. There aren't any hard feelings. If they run into each other again in their travels, they'll greet each other happily. They wouldn't mind working together again. But they aren't trying to stay together or stay in touch, either. It happened, and now it's over, and they're more than happy to move on.

... Shit that was long. Well I hope it was helpful!

[a-confused-loser-venting]

has anyone ever felt not “queer enough” for pride. my friend invited me to a pride parade for tomorrow and i would definitely join them but idk if its right for me to do so.

despite identifying as non-binary and aromantic i sometimes feel like im not really queer enough to be part of the community.

on the outside i look like a cis girl and in truth i am not “gay enough”. but i still want to go cause this is something i know my friend cares about and she’s sweet enough to always consider me part of the community and wants to have this experience of marching with me besides her.

not to long ago, i talked about my professor in intercultural experiences and i gently mentioned about how my identity is very “small” to be represented and so i sometimes dont manage to put myself out there in society cause im still viewed as a girl and of course barely anyone understands what being aromantic is.

but she told me that i should accept more my identity so that i could be able to not only have relationships with others but with myself too.

so idk. im trying to find anyone who is able to relate so that i could have a piece of mind…

[morally-earl-gray]

are you a "hate talking about anything romance/sex related" aroace or a "surprisingly good love advice" aroace or a "horrible advice but loves gossip" aroace?

[mackthecheese]

Do you have any advice for someone questioning and considering if they're asexual or like tips i have no idea what I'm doing

Oh dang am I a "queer elder" now? Giving advice? Gosh I can try.

The biggest thing to remember here is that asexuality is a spectrum. A gay 50-year-old man who enjoys sex but doesn't actively seek it out and an 18-year-old straight girl who pukes at the mere thought of having sex are both asexual. The only requirement for being asexual is a lack of or shortage of sexual attraction. If you feel like the people around you are a lot more interested in sex than you are, you're probably asexual.

In my experience, I always knew I wasn't into sex the way everyone around me was, even as early as middle school. I was uncomfortable when the conversation shifted to sex and what my friends picked up on their latest trip to the back of Spencer's. I smiled along and sat silently until the conversation naturally drifted onto something I was interested in, like the new Kirby game that was coming out that week. It wasn't until my freshman year of high school that I learned the term asexual and I knew immediately that it was one I identified with. Even now, years later, I know my initial instinct was right. I am happy and comfortable identifying as asexual and I highly doubt that will ever change for me.

If you think asexuality is a term that fits for you, you can call yourself asexual. The ace community is very welcoming and supportive of everyone on the spectrum. If you realize later on that you don't identify with the term asexual anymore, that's totally fine! Experimentation with different labels and identities is an extremely important part of finding who you really are. I wish you all the best in finding yourself! <333

[colorful-craze]

As an aromantic who’s been friends with someone who’s hyper romantic for eight years I love her to death and she’s like my little sister. But OH MY GODDD does she EVER think about anything that isn’t dating or crushes or attraction????

[queer-advice-hotline]

i miss the aro-ace confessions blog a lot. i’m ace myself and it was one of my favorite places to find community with fellow aspecs. now that the blog’s inactive i don’t know where to go. do you have any aspec spaces to recommend? advice in the notes is welcome as well :) thanks for starting this blog!

@our-aroace-experience and @our-queerplatonic-experience and @our-aromantic-experience are all great for sharing your experiences, asking questions, and interacting.

@fuckyeahasexual is great for other ace content.

I'm afraid that's all I have for the moment, tag some good aspec accounts if you know them!

[aspec-advice]

Thank you for still having this blog. I am the demisexual friend that found the post a couple of weeks ago. We're now in a QPR and I couldn't be happier. I genuinely didn't think my heart could be beat so much and have me smiling whenever I think about our relationship.

It may never make sense to people outside of it, but we understand it and I think that's all that matters. I love him truly and deeply in whatever way he needs. As a partner, a friend, a caregiver, anything.

So thanks again. And for any aspec person reading this, I hope you're doing well, and stay strong. We've got each other. 🩷

YAY IM SO GLAD!!!!!! im so glad that this blog is helping people become comfortable and happy in their identities!!! i am so happy for you guys and im so glad i could help!!!!! WE'VE GOT EACH OTHER!!!!!!!!!

mars :D

[mistakenlyfoundnico]

Finally caved and going to open up about my feelings to strangers on the internet. Before I start this I am going to preface this with I am aromantic which means little to no romantic attraction, and if for some reason you read this post about my feelings towards someone as an aromantic and use it to justify making comments like "aromantics can still date" about aro characters, make comments like "at least you have qprs" or trying to tell me that aromantic isnt the right label for me, that is not the point of this post and i will block literally anyone i see making comments anywhere along the lines of those

Anyway on to the feelings bit, overy the last few years i have been having a lot of back forth debating in my head over my feelings towards a particular person, and the past month i have come to the conclusion that any romantic attraction or the closest thing to romantic attraction i can feel is unfortunately directed towards this guy, now i am horrible about feelings and have no idea how to tell about literally anything, he is my best friend and i think genuinely i would be happy if we never addressed my feelings but i think i would also be happy if we did as long as he felt similar, i dont know how to know if he feels similar, so i think i am going to list how most of recent interactions have been that i am not sure about

-the current bit is that we are husbands, well actually he has slowly transitioned into my wife, so i call him wife he calls me husband, and we arw also planning a wedding bit of a plot hole due to the being married thing but we have yet to discjss it, it is important to note rhat i am not the first friend who he is jokingly married to, however our joke marriage is brought up morw and we are planning a wedding and the other marriages didnt really get that far

-i joked about him not offering to peel my orange like the tiktok trend from a while ago and now he peels every orange, he actually grabs oranges for me amd will get upset if i don't let him peel it

-he said that if we are both not married in twenty years he will show up at my doorstep with a diamond ring and propose

-we have been having frequent spotify jams of kind of yearning love songs

-he offered me to move in with him next summer because i said i didnt want to move back in with ky parents after collefe (he knows i have a rough relationship with my parents and jysy family in general)

-everytime someone makes jokes about not staying in touch with him after highschool he is like wow ok, but if i make a joke like that he gets weirdly serious and says no we are staying in tocuh, we sre going to be friends after highschool

-we were listening to a hozier song together and i said that i had a dream where someone was singing that song ,cause i fall asleep to hozier, but with hoziers voice not their own, and he jokingly asked if it was him, i lied and said no and then asked would he want it to be him and he said yes he likes when others think of him

-we started sharing the same seat on the bus despite there being empty seats, we just sit squished next to each other

-my parents, a lot of classmates and most my family have thought we were dating

-my teachers call us an old married couple

-we went water quality testing and we walked for like 5 mins just completely leaning on each other and then 10 minutes after we did a uquiz where he answered one of the questions "what is you favorite form of physical touch to show love" or something likw that with leaning on each other

-when we are coding he does tell me to not talk to him sometimes, his logic is if i talk he will listen and he needs to focus, he is sometimes mean when he explains its a need to focus moment but he does apologize normally after

-we normally sit next to each if possible in any class

-sometimes when other friends of his our around he does seem less interested in talking to me, not sure if that is because he sees them way less (we see each other nearly every day) or if he prefers talking to them

-he says he is straight but i am not sure if that is because he is or of our area, i mostly try not to speculate others identities but we do live in a rural area, like very homophobic, to give an idea of how bad it is there is rumors about the klan still being here, snd his dad is also homophobic and he himself isnt homophobic but i am not sure if there isnt any internalized but he did date our friend who is gender queer/fluid about a year ago but they are much more feminine presenting which may have been apart of it, but he makes jokes/comments about finding men attractive and what not

I think that is most of the important stuff, i am not sure what to make of this and hoping that someone has something they wanna say about this, none of my friends that i have told have been too insightful on this and i am scared to tell anymore of my friends, begging someone to please help a brother out

[destroy-the-binary]

how do i know if i’m ace? or gray or demi?

like what are the differences and signs and stuff i guess.

Hey! Great question!

First off, I want to say that some asexuals choose not to engage in sexual behaviors, (sex-repulsed) and some do, which is perfectly fine.

Now - onto definitions!

Asexual - Asexual people experience a lack of sexual attraction to others, or a low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity.

Graysexual - Graysexual people are people within the asexual spectrum. Graysexuality is often defined as limited amounts of sexual attraction that can vary in intensity.

Demisexual - People who identify as demisexual only feel sexual attraction after they've developed a close emotional relationship with someone.

If you tend to be grossed out by sex scenes, don’t really understand the appeal of sex, or are fully averse to it, you might be a sex repulsed asexual.

If you don’t really get sex scenes or the appeal to sex, but you can see yourself engaging in more sexual behaviors, you might be asexual and just not sex repulsed, or you might be graysexual.

If you can understand sex appeal but really only feel attraction after an emotional bond, you might be demisexual.

I also want to say, obviously I don’t know you, so I don’t know all the answers. You might be something entirely different, and that’s awesome!

Good luck!

[ahungeringknife]

Let's talk about Aspec characters and relationships!

I'm aroace. I write a lot of characters who are aspec in some way. I have a lot of aspec friends. And this is why your aspec character is driving me crazy. There's also sex talk in here so if you're not mature enough to handle it please scroll past.

Edit: Allos also should reblog this if you found it helpful.

First lets get some terms right:

Aromantic (aro) and Asexual (ace) are two distinct things. Aroace means you're both aromantic and asexual at the same time. It is generally referred to as 'aspec' (aro/ace spectrum) when you fall on one or both spectrums. If you are not aspec you are allosexual/alloromantic (allo). It just means someone who isn't ace or aro. You can also be aroallo or aceallo (aromantic allosexual, asexual alloromantic). All these terms are neutral and not used in derogatory ways similar to trans/cis. It's a descriptive word not a put down.

Now about those characters and their relationships. Because that is the most :))))) to me as an aroace is when people just don't know how to handle an aspec character. Usually because they're allo. But that's okay you probably don't know and we're all here to learn from each other. Here's some things to consider when you want to make or write an aspec person.

Ace's do sometimes have sex. They just aren't motivated by sex. That's it.

Along with sex your ace character may also masturbate and feel good being touched. They also might only like touching themselves and hate when other people do it. They usually also know when someone is hot/sexy and will comment on it. Finding someone sexy =/= we want to fuck them. Thinking someone is hot =/= we want to fuck them. We're still human. We know what a hot human looks like. Your ace character might be attracted to someone's appearance aesthetically but have no interest in their bits. Your ace character might fall in love with the most beautiful person in your story and never show any interest of wanting to bed them.

They can have boyfriends/girlfriends/romantic partners they do or don't have sex with. But they can be anywhere on the spectrum of sex repulsive, to sex positive, to absolute sex hound. Some of the horniest people you know are probably ace. Some of the horniest people I know are ace, and I have a lot of ace friends.

And we're not all virgins. Some ace's had sex and realized 'nah fam. Didn't do it for me' and never did it again. Others are virgins and have no intention ever of having sex. Others are virgins but don't care either way? It just hasn't happened. Others enjoy sex with their partners. Some are parents! You can be ace and had enough sex to procreate. Some also think sex is icky or it squicks them out. Some might be squicked out at the thought of sex with another person but they're fine looking at porn or doing it themselves. There is a wide range of what asexuals are into just like allos.

Aros also sometimes do the sex. They are not motivated by romance. That's it.

That being said your aro character can have a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner and it can be 'romantic'. It doesn't have to be a queer platonic relationship. Your aro character also might not want to be in a relationship at all. It is not weird for your aro character to call their partner their partner or bf/gf or if they're married their husband/wife.

Aro people do not get butterflies. They don't really get flustered around people they like. There's no spark. And they don't feel that romantic attraction allos do when they meet someone and fall in love with them. I've found that aro people are also terrible at flirting or picking up flirting cues. At least in my own personal experience when it took my aro ass 3 years to realize some girl was flirting with me and I just thought she was being nice to me. Take the 'useless lesbian' trope and take it to 11. We just don't know. Aro people also know when other people are hot. Just like aces just because we're aro doesn't mean we don't know a baddy when we see one. We just probably won't realize said baddy is flirting with us...

Aro character still love. They love their family, they love their friends, they love their partners. And it's all real love. The love is still there. Aro characters also probably know what they should do to mimic being in love. Even if we don't love someone more than platonically they may still do the things romantic partners do with their partner. Some don't! And that's fine too. Sometimes you're boyfriends and you share the same bed with him, and sometimes your girlfriend is just your roommate. Both are totally valid aro relationships. Maybe your character kisses their partner passionately and they like it, or they might only kiss during sex, or they might not kiss on the mouth. All valid and correct, still no romo. Kissing =/= romance for aros. Sex =/=romance for aros.

Aroace characters do all those things! At once! They can do the sex, and the boyfriend/girlfriend/partner and loving their friends. They just are not motivated by sex or romance. Kissing =/= sexual attraction. Sex =/= romantic love.

Being aspec is looking at the most beautiful and delicious cake in the world and going 'neat, cake' and walking away not even wondering what it tastes like, not even for a second considering having a bite. It's a cake. Neat. You are not motivated by cake. You don't even really care about cake. It's nice that other people fucking loooooooove cake but it's just not for you.

We also know what love is supposed to be like, what a 'healthy sexual' relationship should feel like. It's everywhere. All around us. Constantly. It's also sometimes fucking exhausting! It's why some aspec people can be a bit agro. We get it you're in love/got a new partner/are sleeping with someone/really sexually attracted to this person/keep spamming us with your celeb thirst pics/etc. It does get tiring sometimes. We don't care about the cake and sometimes listening to you talk about the cake drives us crazy. Consider that too when writing aspec characters. Sometimes their friends and their cakes are annoying no matter how much they love them platonically or romantically.

Anyway just some things to consider for your aspec OCs from an older aroace. Should be said aspec is a wide spectrum and I'm drawing on my own experience as an aroace with aspec friends, and my writing of those characters. If you have more questions about writing characters on this spectrum feel free to ask!

[a-confused-loser-venting]

wait people actually date because they think about being with that person for the rest of their life? like to get married and all?