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hussyknee · 1 year ago

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Intimate Authoritarianism: The Ideology of Abuse Lee Shevek 10 min read Jan 11 For far too long have radical communities and their discourses treated domestic violence and abuse as external from the considerations of revolutionary struggle. Abuse is seen as simply an interpersonal issue, springing from individual pathology which we must address by correcting certain behaviors and teaching better communication skills. The intervention tools of choice are frequently limited to restorative or transformative justice practices, with the ultimate aim of protecting and maintaining the abuser’s place in the community, often at the cost of survivor safety, participation, and empowerment. There is a fear that ousting abusers and challenging them as adversaries to revolutionary struggle rather than as wayward members of it will ultimately weaken us collectively, because, after all, they are still our comrades.

What we fail to see, within this framework, is that abuse is not individual pathology. Abuse is not an unfortunate mistake. Abuse is the form that systematic oppression takes on an interpersonal level. It is an agent of patriarchy, ableism, capitalism, and white supremacy. It is intimate authoritarianism, and must be resisted just as strongly as we endeavor to challenge authoritarianism on a structural level. Until we do so, the logic of authoritarianism will continue to run rampant within our movements, alienate the most vulnerable among us, and weaken our ability to fight authoritarianism on a larger scale. What is Intimate Authoritarianism? Put simply: intimate authoritarianism is the logic of authoritarianism — the enforcement or advocacy of obedience to authority at the expense of autonomy — applied on an interpersonal level. It is the belief that there are certain people in one’s life that it is acceptable (and often encouraged) to harm in order gain power and control over them. While all abusers subscribe to and act within the values of intimate authoritarianism, they are less aberrations from the common belief system than they are people who take mainstream messages about love, power, relationships, parenthood, and the family — that many people to varying degrees accept as true — to their logical conclusions. Intimate authoritarianism as an ideology proliferates throughout our entire society in much the same way that other forms of authoritarianism do, even though not everyone capitalizes on its values in the same way.

About romantic love we are taught that we will receive a romantic partner who can and should fulfill our every need and fantasy, and that it is acceptable to do whatever necessary to find and bind that person to us so that they can serve as the fulfiller of our every wish. We are taught that in pursuance of that person, it is acceptable to stalk, threaten, coerce, manipulate, and harass, so long as it is, in name at least, done “for love.” We are taught that jealousy and possessive behavior is an important expression of our love. We are taught that when the people close to us do not fill their role as wish-fulfillers well enough that we are justified in responding to their perceived failure with punishment and manipulation until they submit to our demands to our satisfaction. We are taught to turn interpersonal connections into private property relations, and there is a host of ready-made justifications at our disposal to excuse any number of abusive acts so long as they are done in service of keeping our “property” under our control, whether they are a romantic partner, a child, an elderly parent, or even a close friend.

By virtue of our closeness to someone, the kind of relationship we have with them, many of us are taught and come to believe that we are granted some kind of authority over them, and common social practices within our communities as well as state institutions like that of marriage and the family affirm that authority.

Among domestic violence researchers, there has been, for decades, heated debate about whether or not abuse is a gendered phenomenon. Statistically, there are far more women in need of support in fleeing situations of domestic violence than there are men. However, studies that measure the use of interpersonal violence (emotional and physical) find that people of all genders tend to use violence against their partners at almost identical rates. The typical approach amongst domestic violence researchers tends to be to land on one “side” of the issue (abuse is a gendered issue vs. all genders are equally abusive,) my research and experience as a queer abuse survivor has led me to a different conclusion.

Intimate Authoritarianism in Practice There are many more people who see forms of structural authoritarianism (ex: fascism, neoliberalism, capitalism) as justified than there are people who manage to use that ideology to bolster their own power, and the same is true for intimate authoritarianism. Not everyone who believes intimate authoritarianism is justifiable ends up becoming an abuser in the same way that not everyone who believes using harm to gain and maintain power and control over an employee, tenant, or prisoner is justifiable ends up becoming a boss, landlord, or cop. Rather, the ideology of authoritarianism proliferates throughout all social groups in such a way that some gain authority through it, others remain complicit with that authority in ways that bolster their own power and status to varying degrees, and still others are made the primary victims of that power and have their agency constrained, reduced, and co-opted by those who wield the power of authority. This brings us to the important question: who uses the values of intimate authoritarianism to successfully become an abuser and how do they do it?

This is but one perspective of a much larger picture. Women in general are more likely to experience the entrapment that characterizes abuse than men, but so too are people of color, youth, disabled people, queer people, trans people, and poor people. This is because the overarching message we all receive in a society characterized by hierarchy, domination, and authoritarianism is who it is acceptable to victimize. Whose pain most people are comfortable to ignore. Who is vulnerable, and how to use power over them to empower oneself. This certainly includes women, but not only women. We receive these messages from many directions, and they are enforced by the coercive control of the State that privileges some social groups at the expense of others, that allows and encourages certain people to be dominated and controlled so value can be extracted from them to enrich the lives of the powerful.

Abuse is not separable from systems. It is, in fact, in large part created and reinforced by them. Abuse, as we explored above, is itself is a product of ideology — intimate authoritarianism — and it is the logical conclusion of many of the mainstream messages we all receive about love. We are all taught that an intimate partnership is the key to our success, and also reflects that success. We are taught that love is possessive, and the more possessive someone is the more they love you. We are taught that we can expect that there is a “soulmate” out there made specially for us, who will meet all our needs, and fill our every desire. Romantic relationships are depicted as sites for fantasy fulfillment, not necessarily mutual connection, respect, or freedom. Further, these expectations are not taught in a gender neutral fashion. We are taught that a woman’s “place” in a relationship is one of subservience. Women are expected to do all of the reproductive labor of the household, provide emotional support, and fulfill men’s sexual desires on demand, and that anything less is nothing but a failure of duty that should be met with punishment. These ideas are not just on an interpersonal level, but are enforced by broader structures: as evidenced by attacks on reproductive rights and women’s marginalization in the workplace that forces them into economic dependence. Social expectations enforced by community/family/friends combined with material conditions that make economic independence virtually impossible, women go into relationships already disempowered.

The most successful abusers are those who can leverage interpersonal, ideological, systemic and communal factors to gain coercive control. The more access one has to leveraging these factors, the easier it will be for them to gain and maintain coercive control over another person. It should be no wonder, then, that the people most successful at doing so are those who are most empowered by the authoritarian status quo, and that those most victimized are similarly those most disempowered by the system. This framework can help us make sense of those abusers who are not cis men (you don’t have to be a cis man to be an intimate authoritarian or to leverage enough kinds of power to entrap someone else), without having to deny the reality that abuse is characterized by power, and thus that the groups more frequently abused will tend to mirror the groups who are most disempowered in authoritarian society.

Abuse, contrary to popular belief, is not characterized by individual acts of violence, but rather is the context of many different tools of control utilized by the abuser. If abusers could only mobilize individual acts of violence, they would meet with far less success in keeping their victims entrapped. However, abusers mobilize a vast array of tools within and outside of the relationship. They refer to the dominant ideology of intimate authoritarianism — which their victims also grew up surrounded by — to justify their actions. They use the support of community members like family and friends to gaslight their victims into disbelieving their own experience. They frequently rely on larger systems — like that of the family that awards them private property rights over their spouse or children, reproductive control, threats of calling the police or border control, economic privilege, systemic transphobia, racism, homophobia, ableism, etc. to make their victims afraid to challenge them, and more — to help enforce their control at home.

I believe that we must move away from our dependence on restorative/transformative justice to address abuse and towards a similar set of tactics that are used in anti-fascist work. In anti-fascist work we prioritize destroying fascists’ capability to carry out harm, not their rehabilitation. Individual fascists are of course welcome to choose to radically change (and there are plenty of people who will help them with that), but it can’t be our central goal. This is because the reality is that most abusers (like fascists and all authoritarians) are not interested in changing, no matter how many emotional appeals you make. They get (or expect to get) something out of being abusers (power and control), and they see the harm they do as entirely justified. Additionally, we have distinct limits on our available resources and it makes little sense to funnel so much of our energy into trying, and rarely succeeding, to save the souls of the people who are currently enacting the most violence.

Abuse is highly contextual exactly because we all have vastly different kinds of power and vulnerabilities within the system, which is why the way abuse plays out can look so different from relationship to relationship. But it always includes utilization of oppressive systems. Abuse is not independent from systems of oppression, it is an intimate expression of those systems. Abusers are agents of oppression, empowered by its utility, and they should be responded to and challenged accordingly. Anti-Authoritarian Response to Abuse Taking into consideration that abuse is authoritarianism on an interpersonal scale, and is itself bolstered by larger structures of authoritarianism at the same time as it enforces those structures in intimate life, we can now understand that abuse can no longer be seen as something apart from the struggle for liberation. Abuse is another front on which we must fight the enemy of domination and control, and to do so we must oust the logic of intimate authoritarianism wherever we find it, even (and especially) when we find it lurking within ourselves and our comrades.

Our priority in anti-fascist work and anti-abuse work is to leverage what resources and skills we do have at our disposal to end cycles of harm and to interrupt/destroy people’s ability to enact that harm. It must be survivor centered. It must recognize the structural and ideological nature of abuse as intimate authoritarianism, and we need to shape our response with that reality in mind, rather than continuously defaulting to treating abuse as an unfortunate expression of individual pathology.

(For a more expanded exploration of how we might respond to abuse, read my essay Against a Liberal Abolitionism) Conclusion Both abusers and the State work to create a narrative of inevitability, and act on the same core logic of authoritarianism, even as their scope may differ. The victim of the abuser or the State is constrained, their agency co-opted, their horizon of choice limited, and value is forcibly extracted from them to empower authoritarians. Under our current system, they are made to feel as if there is no escape and that their only hope lies in the gradual reform of their captor. They are both systems of domination and control, enabled not only by the actions of those who hold and wield authority (abusers, politicians, etc.) but also by a larger social system of complicity from people who, regardless of the values they claim to hold, value order over justice.

Liberation from either, then, does not demand we appeal to the better natures of authoritarians nor even the masses of people who act in complicity with their violence, but that we open up possibilities to build survivor autonomy and learn to trust in the power of their agency. It demands, similarly to anti-fascist work, that we attack the ability of authoritarians to organize their power.

Survivors (whether of State or interpersonal abuses) cannot find relief nor freedom in struggling within the very confines authority has set before us. It requires a breaking out. A trust in our own choices. A desire to build something different outside of that system of control. A rejection of simplistic reform that leaves many of us languishing under the control of others. And, ultimately, the ousting of authoritarian values and the destruction of every social system of domination.

It ultimately suits abusers’ and the State’s ends that we limit ourselves only to their reform. All that it ultimately accomplishes (if it accomplishes anything at all) is a more benevolent form of power and control that still steadfastly denies us any real expression of agency. We don’t need a more benevolent authoritarianism. We need to determine the trajectory of our own lives. To labor and care because it is something we wish to do, a gift we want to give, a path we are eager to explore, instead of being forced to expand someone else’s wealth and power. If you appreciated this piece and want to offer support in my work to make anarchist political analysis more clear and accessible to others. You can sign up to support my patreon or send a one-time gift to Cashapp: $butchanarchy or Venmo: @ genderchaos.

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stormblessed95 · 2 years ago

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https://mobile.twitter.com/lovemazejikook/status/1617506559621496832

Doesn't than mean he sleeps alone everytime? If he is in a relationship won't they even sleep together? Or couple doesn't need to sleep together atleast few days to be a couple ?

JK: "I used to have a cuddle pillow when I was little. Now I don't and I toss and turn alot in my sleep"

You: "so this means he is single and sleeps alone right?"

Please explain to me how you twisted his words so throughly? Lmfao

Is it me? Am I the problem? Is it the fact that I read so much that I am expecting too much of people to be able to comprehend a sentence as it is said without difficulty? I suggest practice anon! You didnt give me a lot trope wise to work with here, but I recommend Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo if you haven't read it yet. The romance isn't the main focus, the heist is. But wow, you can read about how much intimacy can come in various forms and still be insanely beautiful expressions of love. And that found family trope is perfection

Description: Ketterdam: a bustling hub of international trade where anything can be had for the right price—and no one knows that better than criminal prodigy Kaz Brekker. Kaz is offered a chance at a deadly heist that could make him rich beyond his wildest dreams. But he can’t pull it off alone. . . .

A convict with a thirst for revenge

A sharpshooter who can’t walk away from a wager

A runaway with a privileged past

A spy known as the Wraith

A Heartrender using her magic to survive the slums

A thief with a gift for unlikely escapes

Kaz’s crew is the only thing that might stand between the world and destruction—if they don’t kill each other first.

Kaz and Inej are everything to me, that slow burn. Ugh 😍

“I would come for you. And if I couldn’t walk, I’d crawl to you, and no matter how broken we were, we’d fight our way out together—knives drawn, pistol blazing. Because that’s what we do. We never stop fighting.”

And guess what anon? They never sleep in the same bed and they even only touch sometimes and with careful consent because of their traumas, their boundaries look different than what you'd typically see in a couple, fictional or not. And yet, that intimacy, that love 😍

Content warnings: Ableism and ableist language, persecution for witchcraft (central theme), indentured servitude and slavery, Forced underaged sex work recounted, Child abuse recounted, abandonment and disownment, Substance and gambling addiction, panic attack (implied) and nightmares, Coerced suicide (implied), Alcohol consumption, recreational drug use, drugging without consent, forced and coerced drug dependency, Blood and gore depiction, graphic physical injuries, eyeball trauma, emesis, medical experimentation, dead bodies, plague, body modifications (with consent), Grief depiction and death of a father, brother, family and friend, Murder, attempted murder, physical assault, knife and gun violence, torture, strangulation, explosions, Kidnapping, captivity, incarceration, loss of autonomy, drowning, Animal death, animal attack, death by an animal attack and animal fighting rings, Bullying

Representation: Some POC main characters, 2 Bisexual and a gay main character, an mlm relationship, disability own voices, ptsd and other mental health rep too.

This IS a TV show on Netflix too which is great. But does differ from the book in ways and the book is spectacular, so I highly recommend reading it! And watching the show if you want!

The other relationships? Also total perfection. They are right up there as favorites for me too.

#it would be funny #if yall didnt try to keep making it my problem #lmfao the reading comprehension skills #nonexistent #storm book recommendations

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drifting-pieces-blog-blog · 2 years ago

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sorry for the spam i just LOVED your gatekeeper jake meta!!

i do have a question as you seem like a pretty good source, if i were to read any of the comics which runs would you recommend?

Hello friend! No such thing as spam in Tumblr land. Like and reblog it all. Go nuts.

(Shameless plug: Check out my other meta that can be found in my intro)

It is true I have read all of moon knight comics. It is also true I have a serious memory problem.

BUT. General consensus, and I agree 100%, is that you need to read the Lemire x Smallwood run.

I'm going to be controversial. Start with Ellis (see long rant below to see why). 100% read Lemire. If you read nothing else, read Lemire. Then read Mackay.

I also recommend you pick up and read some of the original stuff, just to see where it all started. There's a lot of it. It suffers from old comic book syndrome, but some of it is really quite good and beautiful.

If you REALLY want to know more... Here's a Brief Timeline!

So the first Moon Knight was in Werewolf by Night, in which he was hired to hunt down Jack Russel.

They liked his character and design and he got his own comic!

This is the Moench run collection that spanned from the 70s through the 80s.

Then there was a long dry spell. LONG dry spell. He popped up now and then in the background and various other one shots.

But then Huston got his mits on him in 2006 with "The Bottom"

This is actually where I started because it is the more modern run.

However, this period is also very rough. He's called Schizophrenic, they use outdated terminology (Multiple Personality instead of DID). It highlights the crazy aspect and is very violent oriented.

But it's also a little fun and there are a lot of good classic moments found in these runs. You are also going to start finding some pretty amazing artwork in these runs (Deodato!)

The Huston and later Benson runs (The Bottom, Midnight Sun, God and Country, Death of Marc Spector, and Down South) are a good look at how messed up Marc lets himself get. Full of angst and him pushing people away. You don't see a lot of Steven and very little Jake in these. Marc is crawling through his mental health issues and you also get a look at his relationship with Marlene.

NEXT: 2009. The Hurwitz runs! (Shock and Awe, Killed Not Dead, and Shadowland.)

This run was actually pretty good. If memory serves me well (and it doesn't), I enjoyed the stories that were told here. You get a more messed up Marc, but Marc was TRYING. You see him struggle with his mental health and struggle to do good.

PLUS. Shock and Awe has THE MOST BEAUTIFUL ART. I loved the design of his suit and it showed peak Marc Spector fighting style of "I'm just going to throw my body at things until they don't get back up". You also get to see him interacting with other Marvel characters (Avengers, Captain America, Punisher, ect.). This is always interesting because they don't know what to do with him. You start to see the ableism set in and how much he's not just fighting himself but he's also fighting how others see him.

NEXT UP: 2011. Bendis. "The Heroic Age". This man nearly ended Moon Knight. It was bad. IT WAS SO BAD. No one talks about this run. It didn't happen. Skip it. Don't even pretend to buy it. If you want it, steal it. Get it from the library. Don't waste your money.

Bendis labled Moon Knight a Psychophrenic lunatic, sent him to L.A. to work on a 'team' then messed up his whole characterization and everything he stood for. It was bad.

NOTICE THE GAP HERE. NEXT RUN WASN'T UNTIL 2014!!!! That's how bad Bendis fucked up.

Warren Ellis and Declan Shalvey took Moon Knight over in "From the Dead".

The story here is seriously lacking, but the art is amazing. This is ALSO where you are going to meet Mr. Knight for the first time and he is glorious.

Ellis is known in comic land for writing some of the darkest Punisher content that Marvel put out. He's known for blood and guts and violence. So… just keep that in mind.

But here we see someone that refuses to acknowledge who he is. There is no Steven Grant, no Jake Lockley, and he refuses Marc Spector. This is a man that had a serious mental break and is clawing up from the mudd and trying so hard to fix himself by not being himself. One might even say he's in a dissociative state this whole run.

Next we have "Dead Will Rise" by Brian Wood and Smallwood. It follows where Ellis left off and you start to get some of that Delicious Smallwood art. The story does pick up a bit here, but it's still very ambiguous and barely holds the Moon Knight title.

You see, Bendis really fucked up things and they didn't want him to be seen as "That crazy guy" anymore. So they play it safe and you get more of the original supernatural stuff that happened back in the day with Werewolf by night.

"In the Night" is next in this series by Cullen Bunn and Ron Ackins. Again, art is pretty good here and you start to get some of the old Marc Spector back in this. He crashes more vehicles and you see his reckless style start to creep back in. Story is still barely there, but it's descent. Again, we see Marc start to decline in mental health. He's alone, he's destructive, he's violent.

NEXT UP: 2016. ENTER LEMIRE. Bless this man.

Lemire saw the Smallwood art in "Dead will Rise". Smallwood loved working on Moon Knight.

But Smallwood is a busy man in the comic universe. Lemire knew Smallwood was going to struggle to keep up with the schedule. And Lemire had a hell of a story to tell.

THIS MAN. He broke his story up into three other parts and hired three other artists that had VERY unique and distinctive styles.

This let him break his story up so that you knew each part by the art!!

WTF. When the story was important and back on the main plot, Smallwood would come back in and tell it with his smooth and amazing art.

Then as the series progresses and gets more and more into it, you see all the art styles crash into the pages until he brings it back home in one final breath taking scene where Smallwood collects them again and sends them off.

Gonna fucking cry here. Gimme a minute.

So anyways: The Lemire run. (Lunatic, Reincarnations, Birth and Death.) Three volumes in which we see Marc Spector's mental break down, the fall out, and how he builds himself back up. We see his friends from the past, we see Steven and Jake find their place, and we see Marc start to accept that he is a broken man. It's a beautiful story. It's hard to follow sometimes and a little confusing at first, but once you get to the end it all makes sense and it's so beautiful. Lemire is what inspired the MCU show, in case you were unaware.

Ugh. Next. BEMIS. 2017. Fucking Bemis. "Legacy" (Crazy runs in the family and Phases) Bemis took what Lemire did and shit all over it. I swear this man did no research into the character. He just went, "Crazy huh? What if he's SUPER CRAZY AND EATS RABID DOLPHINS" (this happened. I'm not kidding). He tries to reboot Moon Knight. He fucking UGH. He tries to explain what caused his DID. He just… UGH. Antisemetic bullshit and he should have known better. UGH. Only good thing to come out of it is that you find out Marc and Marlene had a daughter and she's pretty badass.

Then in 2018 we got "Avengers Age of Khonshu" by Jason Aaron. This was a marvel tie in event. I have THOUGHTS about tie in events and none of them are good. Basically Khonshu tries to take over the world. He uses Marc. Now the Avengers think Moon Knight is a threat and needs to be watched in case his god tries to do anything again. Khonshu gets locked up in Asgard and Marc is now on his own.

Jason Aaron, much like Ellis, is also known for his incredibly dark and gritty comics. He also did Punisher Max and is a huge name in the comic world, but you have to have the stomach for him. I guarantee there will be vomit, spitting, and blood in everything he does. It's like a trademark.

This brings us to 2021" MACKAY! (Midnight Mission, Too Tough to Die, and Halfway to Sanity)

Mackay looks back at Lemire and goes, "Hey… what happened?" This man does the unthinkable. He doesn't reboot. He starts with the Mr. Knight that was given to us by Ellis and Wood, takes the story that Lemire gave us, and then acknowledges the bad in Bemis and Aaron.

HE TIES IT ALL TOGETHER. We see Marc that has started his heaing journey from Lemire but stumbled into his old bad habbits from Bemis. We see Marc trying to repair his reputation from Aaron and desperate to hate himself and forget himself.

We see him build back to his old habbits until Jake and Steven re-enter the picture and I couldn't be happier with how he does it.

He understands and runs with real DID awareness. He talks about Marc's PTSD. He lets the work as a system. He tells a story. He's bringing in Fucking Dracula. This man knows his memes.

The run is still going and I am excited to see what he does next. Can he just keep Moon Knight in his pocket for a while? I would love that. Just… Let him hold him a while longer.

.........TLDR: Depends on what you like. If you are new to comics and just want to get your food in the door, read Lemire then skip to Mackay.

If you like what you see and want to get more in depth. You want to know who Frenchie and Gena are (I love them so much) dip your toe into the early stuff with the OG Moench. If you want to see where Marc started to break down and a more modern Moon Knight came about, go to Huston and work your way through it. If you just want to see enough to get you to Mackay, start with Ellis.

#Got asked #I rambled #Does...does this make sense?#I haven't slept and I'm pretty out of it #I need to go back and just reread it all #new years resolution: reread all of moon knight and take notes #Weren't expecting this when you asked me that were you?#haha oops

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anikahoneycat · 2 months ago

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Anika HoneyCat's Ask Rules, Links, & Warnings!

LinkTree || Strawpage ||

HELLOOO, fellow yappers!

I'm currently working on my indie visual novel "CRIPPLEPUNK'D"! I kinda suck at coding (plus my chronic pain is 😵‍💫 lately), but I strive to share my art with the world and this mortal body is no match for my excellence ‼️‼️🗣💥💯

WARNING!!!: The content of my art and games can be VERY disturbing [18+, SFW], and I do not condone the actions and ideologies within them! Please do not engage with my content if it would harm you in any way! SEE CONTENT WARNINGS AND RULES BELOW BEFORE INTERACTING!!

CONTENT WARNINGS:

CRIPPLEPUNK'D

Topics of Ableism

On-screen assault of a disabled person

Gang violence/harassment

Brief mentions of sexual harassment

Euthanasia

Unsettling/disturbing atmosphere

Wonderland Corruption (WIP)

Mild Body Horror/Dysphoria

Guns, violence, and weapons

Depression & suicidal ideation

Ship baiting ngl 😭

BLOG RULES:

Don't be an asshole ig? Or a freak bro this is a SFW BLOG!!!

Don't spam/over-submit in the ask box OR curious cat blog. I will find u and I will get u.

I reserve the right to ignore/delete ANY asks that break the rules or I am uncomfortable answering. If it's been like weeks, please don't resubmit your ask!

Please keep asks and questions short please! I am stupid. :3

Be kind and luvving 💕 to ALL who interact with my posts! No fighting!

About Shuchun & Chia-Hao (MASSIVE SPOILERS)

Portraying Shuchun and Chia-Hao's relationship was immensely difficult and horrifying. As much as I would love for my characters to grow and be happy, I also wanted to portray the reality that disabled people often get trapped in abusive relationships, and there was no exception for Shuchun. l imagine she never ends up euthanized in the bonus ending because Chia-Hao would've never allowed her. He would've kept fighting for her, and while that sounds sweet, it can also be interpreted so horribly that he made her suffer all those years with nobody but him to depend on. Oftentimes, there are no happy endings for the disabled, but I want to believe that Chia-Hao could've changed and provided for her properly! We CAN change. We must be better.

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likeastars · 29 days ago

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YURI TIME!!!!!!!!

I actually wanted to rec you a lot of these!!!! But you know them already >:/ you're too yuri informed I've been yuri beaten >>>>>:/

Anyway. I love both liar satsuki can see death and i see you aizawa-san and the way they're all about building connections with the people around them!! Especially in liar satsuki the cast of characters is so varied and creative (ATOU-SAN I LOVE YOU).

For me the biggest surprise among all of these was I love Amy because I was expecting a fun yandere story and then it became???? A touching commentary on mentally ill people falling in love and creating environments in which they can thrive???? It's so cute and so silly I had so much fun with it!!!

Also I started brides of iberis and why did you have to make me sad. Am I not sad enough normally why did we have to be sadder.

LET'S GO TO THE RECSSSSSSS

1. Her tale of shim-cheong/her shim-cheong: this one is required yuri reading. I wanted to do a manga section but I needed this one to be the first bc it's so good man. I was crying I was bawling I couldn't put my phone down. The art is a bit rough around the edges but it can be stunning and the plot is a fun retelling of a korean tale (of shim-cheong. Duh) but YURI!!!!!!!! It's a classic poor girl and rich girl fall in love but it's so well written it becomes so much more. It's such a beautiful conversation with the reader about misogyny and how brutal it was at the time and how it affects everyone independently of class. Our protagonist (poor girl) is obviously more physically in danger because of it (men steal her stuff, almost beat her up and sexually harass her) but we also follow the toll it has on the other main character (rich girl) and the way it doesn’t even allow her to have a name, which we never learn through the course of the story. She also has a dog motif going on which. Hell yeah. The comic gives a lot of dignity to characters like the prostitute, and it does a wonderful job of depicting queerness very explicitly (there's a scene where rich girl is dragged in a brothel by her brother when she's like 5 and she goes WHOOOOAAAAAAA)

Tw: violence, some blood, religious people being awful, sexual harassment (very well handled), general time-typical sexism, some slight ableism (<not handled as well)

2. Doughnuts under a crescent moon: this one has the very simple premise of two coworkers finding striking a friendship and finding solace in each other. It tackles these themes of queer shame and self sacrifice for others in a very grounded way that makes it a perfect comfort read. It also does a very good job of handling the experience of asexuality/aromanticism

Tw: self hatred

3. Everything by Arai Sumiko lmao: you might know this author for the guy she was interested in wasn't a guy at all (the green leasbians) (it's so cute and fluffy I bought it and now it sits on the shelf near madoka ohoohohoh) but she's written a lot of these like. One shots and concepts that are very interesting and fun, like "the real Momoka" where a butch and a femme switch names since they feel like they suit each other more, and they have to be in love for a while but the butch thinks she's just being played with :) I love Arai's style so much it looks like ice-cream, and I love her character design!!! She draws a lot of these women that are kinda alt (AND BUTCH HELL FUCKING YEAH) and don't really fit in into the classic rooster of manga characters :))) so just go through her stuff!!! Have fun!!!!

4. Some reincarnation manhwas: reincarnation manhwas used to be surprisingly... fruity? Before they started being mass produced like factory products. Some examples include: beware of the villainess, where the titular villainess tries to survive in her favourite story, realises the leads are trash and cures their misogyny with the power of SWORD. the og novel protagonist legit falls in love with her and she and the actual male (ugh) love interest fight all the time over the villainess' attention. One of my very first manhwa and and onemy fave storie in general <3 another cool one is your throne, all about the political intrigue where two women discover they can swap bodies and decide to kill their common ex. Top tier content. This one's a bit more subtle but they actually have a lot of romantic coded scenes, like calling each other "the one they love" and shit. It's there but I don't think the author intended it

It's very very well written BUT DON'T READ THE SECOND SEASON. IT'S TRASH.

Tw: violence, blood, abuse, sexual harassment

5. Surviving romance: still a manwha, but we're skewing more into webtoon territory. Still implied queerness but. It’s there. Come on. Girl ends up reincarnated in a novel but... shit happens. I'd feel bad spoling you the first few chapters of the comic because they are literally Insane. But she needs to find the unknown extra who saved her life (FRUITY) and there’s some music sharing and songs involved (EVEN MORE FRUITY) but I have to say this is just a genuinely well crafted story about finding community and a meta story about stories and reading. A bit of a mindfuck toh but really good

Tw: violence, gore, blood, zombies (don't ask), suicide, body horror (IT'S REALLY LIGHT HEARTED I PROMISE

6. Muted: <<This is fully webtoon territory!!!! I understand not wanting to get into it bc it's an app and you have to make an account for it (and the quality of the stories has started to get real bad real fast recently) but there's some gems in there if ya wanna try dabbling in it>>

THIS IS ABOUT GAY WITCHES!!!! AND TRAUMA!!!!!!! Stunning art, amazing story about the shackles of heterosexual abuse, and POLYAMOROUS GAY WITCHES AND DEMONS!!!!!!!!!! Amazing. Stellar. 20/10

Tw: blood, gore, some body horror?? (<demon possession), self harm (<for rituals), burn scars, parental abuse (this is an heavy one guys. Real heavy but real well written) and all of that jazz

7. The witch: GAY WITCHES AGAIN!!!!!!! I might have a type. This one follows a witch through the centuries as she meets people and falls in love again and again, until she meets the dragon 💖💖💖💖💖💖 this one's narrated like a fable and it takes the story reaaaaal slow and it takes many many chapter before the two leads even meet. WORTH IT THOUGH. SOOOO WORTH IT

8. Nevermore: I've been obsessed with this webcomic for years I don't even have the energy to talk about it anymore lmao. It's about tragic dead poe gothic lesbians. What more could you want??? If you want to learn more about it just go through the "nev" tag in my blog you'll learn more than enough.

Tw: violence, blood, neglect, medical abuse, ableism (<well handled), doomed yuri

9: facing the sun: this one is sad. Well written, splendidly drawn, with an amazing world building and characters with extremely interesting relationships between that but MAN is it sad. A woman falls in love with her medical support robot which gains sentience and with it mental illness. Kill me with an hammer.

Really good but :((((((

Also independently punished if you don't wanna read it on webtoon

Tw: WHERE DO I EVEN START. EVERYTHING. TOO SAD DO NOT READ (well. Do it actually. Just don't blame me.)

9. Tiger, tiger: LAST ONE!!!!!! SORRY FOR RAMBLING <3 Girl takes her brother's place on his merchant ship to study sea sponges and an eldritch horror falls in love with her <333333 this one's independently published, and the author's on tumblr!!!

Tw: some nudity, some violence, some body horror (by the eldritch horror)

*twirling my hair* do you have some good yuri manga recs?

(lying on my stomach and kicking my feet) i'm SO glad you asked!

to preface this i'll be excluding better-known yuri or yuri that's recently gotten its flowers (whether thru virality or adaptations) (e.g. in love with the villainess, love bullet, bloom into you, etc. etc.) and will instead be recc'ing works i don't often encounter in the wild. some will be more well-known than others, but all of these i've enjoyed and would encourage others to check out! under the cut because. this got. so long. i heart yuri <3

multi-chapter

the princess of sylph (ongoing; self-publishing): plot-heavy fantasy yuri between a bereaved princess with the aura of a thousand sad hamsters and a persistent nun whose silliness conceals a deep well of trauma. gushed about it plenty here. i recommend starting with the serialized version, the proceeding to the twitter version + extras. cw: blood, violence, dismemberment (nothing too graphic, more standard monster-fighting fare).

i love amy (completed): school loner strikes an unlikely friendship with the girl known (and feared) for her violent tendencies and single-minded obsession with the school prince. cute but striking and skilled art with a surprisingly nuanced handling of trauma and neurodivergence. cw: attempted child murder, animal death (non-graphic). there are also depictions of standard yandere fare (kidnapping, torture basements) but they're always presented comedically.

i see you, aizawa-san! (ongoing): girl who steadfastly pretends not to see ghosts meets one she just can't seem to ignore: a deceased classmate and former j-pop idol, who has taken to haunting their classroom. ft. art that harkens back to classic shoujo and a supernatural mystery centred on the relationship between the two leads--that one of them can't seem to remember. cw: blood, body horror.

school zone girls (on hiatus): slice of life yuri comedy ft. a massive interconnected web of girls spanning at least three schools. it juggles gut-busting comedy with genuine heartfelt moments of character growth and connection and expresses it all through a solid, dynamic art style. the sprawling cast also makes for incredible outsider pov moments that lets us really appreciate how far some characters have gotten. this genuinely motivated me to revamp how i approached ensemble casts for my ocs.

brides of iberis (completed): wedding planner unenthusiastic about her engagement falls in love with a bride she's taken as a client. bittersweet but deeply loving; and so compassionate to each and every character, even the men the female leads have relationships with. cw: infidelity.

destroy it all and love me in hell! (ongoing): model student finds her miserable, tightly controlled life unraveling after being blackmailed by the class truant into indulging her ugliest impulses. toxic yuri extravaganza eleganza between two girls desperate for escape and the catharsis of fucking! shit! up!!! also hits that sweet sweet "love triangle as a conflict of ideals" beat. cw: blackmail, coercion, bullying, violence, emotional abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse, adult/minor relationship.

yuri is forbidden for the yuri otaku (completed): passionate himejoshi enrolls in an all-girls private school to observe class s yuri in action, but never to engage in it herself--at least, until a misunderstanding wins her the resident gyaru's heart. a surprisingly poignant exploration of being queer in a repressive society and experiencing your queerness through the safety of unobtainable fantasy.

the superstar idol crushes on me today too (ongoing): failed idol-slash-middling radio personality finds an unwanted superfan in the country's biggest superstar. explores the merit of pursuing your artistic passions in the face of repeated failure, and what makes an emotional anchor in the fraught seas of showbiz. they are also just so so funny. what if i emphatically declare you my rival in show business but you've been in love with me since you saw me in a cooking show as a child actor and you take any excuse to spend time with me and have my attention with blinding enthusiasm

normality and monsters (ongoing): outcast weirdo witnesses the class idol devour their homeroom teacher in one bite and begs to be trained in the art of appearing normal. the art is snappy and charismatic, the monster design is properly grotesque, and the friendship of convenience between the two leads teeters between overcoming the monster's nature and just being a prelude to the monster acquiring a new meatsuit. cw: blood, gore, death, body horror.

a monster wants to eat me (ongoing): suicidal girl meets carnivore mermaid who promises to eat her if she develops a desire to live. it's been a while since i read this one, but the monster designs are once again sick as fuck and the drama of being cared for by a creature that finds you tantalizing is sooo juicy. cw: suicidal ideation, blood, gore, violence, body horror.

liar satsuki can see death (completed): high schooler who can see corpses before the death occurs strives to save as many lives as possible despite being branded a liar by the entire student body. this and ryouko's other manga, a walk to death, are pretty banging declarations on the value of living ironically (or maybe aptly) wrapped in so much death. blanket cw for blood, gore and death bc i tell you every mini-arc somebody dies in a fun new way and we'd be here all day if we listed them out.

anthology:

i'm the villainess but i'm being captured by the heroine?!: an anthology featuring heroines of otome games swerving hard and sweeping the villainess off her feet. i am such a sucker for villainess yuri. mean women forever. my favourite chapters are vol. 1 ch.1 and vol. 2 chs. 1 and 4.

honourable mentions:

my idol sits the next desk over! (completed): loner idol otaku ends up deskmates with her oshi and between jealous sabotage from a rival stan and the herculean task of acting normal around your fave, lands herself in the first and closest friend group of her life. one girl does explicitly have romantic feelings for another girl, but i bumped it down here because it isn't explored to the extent it could have been. it felt like it was setting up a slow burn only to end abruptly. do not recommend if you want a love story, do recommend if you want lonely people forging deep and enduring bonds of friendship.

the one within the villainess (ongoing): the villainess of an otome game reawakens for her condemnation and sets off on a path of vengeance for the sake of the beloved transmigrator who's occupied her body for years. it's ostensibly het, but to hear the way that the villainess speaks of her transmigrator, the first person to love her wholeheartedly and wish for her happiness and so inadvertently prevent her from becoming the hollow bitter woman she originally grew into...... like. that is yuri. like what if i knew your life in its entirety and loved you for it and i found myself in the position to give you the happiness i always wished for you to have. what if we wrote fix-it fic for each other on the fabric of the universe. what if we never even had a conversation but we knew each other the best and loved each other most. and we were both girls. do you understand why i'm insane about them

#THIS TOOK SO FUCKING LOOOOONNNNGGGGGG #btw i've loved your art for a while so chatting like this feels nice :)#also ur the most hardcore yuri warrior ive had on my dash o7o7o7 #you and smoky might actually convince me to watch revue starlight

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subbyfoxelf · 2 years ago

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[tv review] ds9 3x11 & 3x12 "past tense" (1995)

okay lemme see if i can wrap my head around this super farfetched, grim dystopian future as presented by this speculative science fiction program as a cautionary tale. so, there’s just huge swaths of people living in squalor while others live in unthinkable luxury literally a few blocks away.

for the purpose of dramatizing the situation, let’s pick a totally random city that certainly won’t be an extremely visible example of this in real life–like, it’s happening kinda everywhere, but it’s happening the most in, say… san francisco. y’know, just to pick one at random.

(cw: ableism)

oh and the privileged few living in absolutely morally repugnant luxury? we should have an example of those kinds of people. what should his deal be? oh, hey! how about communication & media. like, a sort of media… where you communicate… socially? and like, with technology & stuff? yeah, cool, let’s go with that.

i know this is going to require a lot of suspension of disbelief, but does it sound like we might have something here?

okay, to step outside the bit, there’s a lot this gets wrong, but holy shit it is scary how much the 2024(!!!) in this two-parter from 1995 resembles the lived experiences of us living here in *checks calendar* … huh. 2023.

uh-oh.

the one thing that really stops me from giving this an s-rank is the bit towards the end of part 2 where dax needs to get her combadge back from a guy with serious mental health problems and the episode just totally plays the whole thing for laughs. it’s basically just outright bullying (not the fun kind). it’s just so out of place in an episode that otherwise has quite a bit of insight & empathy on display.

but like, yeah obviously i would love to punch this script up, not just to remove the ableism but to bring greater emphasis to the police violence. but like, fuck guys, this episode (from 1995!!!) depicts homeless people organizing to fight for their rights and people feeling hopeless because the problems they’re facing just seem too big for them to tackle on their own. this needs like half a nudge to cross those two wires & explicitly tell the audience that what they need to do is organize & work together in solidarity, but fuck it is so close, and it is from almost 30 years ago, so i think it deserves quite a bit of credit for what it did nail. a-rank

#star trek #star trek deep space nine #star trek ds9 #deep space nine #ds9 #tv review #reviews #tv #cw: ableism

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bobosbillionsknives · 7 months ago

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AUTISTIC TRIGUN IS SO REAL AND TRUE I WILL SCREAM IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS !!!!!!!!!!!!

HORAAAYYY !!! I'm so glad I've been any kind of influence at all. This is too sweet :'D !!! ahhh !! <3<3

I do have some thoughts about the masking in particular tho..🤔

I see it less as Knives actively accepting his autistic traits, and more as him not being able to control them. He desperately craves control over himself. He's even been shown as self-critical of his past outbursts, referring to it as a "sin". I thought this scene was very interesting, especially with how much Knives is projecting here. "Without self control" "unable to think of anything but themselves"

sounds like someone we know, girl. ✋🙄

100% agree that Vash was the favorite child tho. Lol. Vash and Knives had very different needs as children, and Rem was way more equipped to help Vash. I actually headcanon kid Vash as very shy and reserved, wanting to always follow the rules. While Knives was very loud, outgoing, and opinionated. Knives' meltdowns have always been explosive, I don't think he'd have much of an outlet outside of violence, and Rem definitely didn't have the experience to give him the tools that he needed. Rem really did love him, but that preferential treatment for sure caused him to feel very unloved and isolated. He hates feeling like a burden, (Vash is similar in that way) he's afraid he's going to be chewed up and spit back out if he's not useful enough. "Do you think i'll be eaten some day?"

He grew to resent Vash for his ability to control himself. To mask and be "normal." For being easier to love. He is SO jealous of Vash it's not even funny. He's losing the idgaf war so badly. This is why he keeps trying to make Vash lash out at him (like in July). It's a petty attempt to get him to understand Knives' suffering first hand. He self victimizes so bad y'all. When he sends the Gung ho guns after Vash, he seems to have no worry of his safety at all. Likely cause he sees Vash as such a perfect angel golden child, any pain actually inflicted is because Vash let it happen. He has the utmost faith in Vashes ability to fight, and is very quick to blame Vash for getting hurt in the fights that HE caused. He probably doesn't think Vash struggles in life at all. That's why he's compelled to make him suffer. (Not that any of these thoughts are very conscious, just deeply rooted insecurities he picked up from childhood. Lol.) Knives feels so fundamentally broken, unlovable, and alienated that he's essentially made it his entire personality. His superiority complex is just as much of a mask as Vashes smile. They do it to protect themselves.

Also. The Vash internalized ableism point is SOOOO true and correct☝️. Vash is completely numb. He's dissociative, and doesn't even remember half of his own life or likely his childhood. He continues to mask because it's all he knows. The only coping mechanism he's used his whole life, it's comforting now. He doesn't really know who he is outside of that mask and he definitely doesn't want to find out. He's terrified of losing control and hurting someone. He's scared of ending up like Knives. To go back to the childhood headcanons for a sec, I think in a way, they were both neglected. Because of how much more attention Knives needed to mitigate his meltdowns, Vashes needs were essentially ignored. He learned at an early age that his problems were not as important. He learned to completely depend on himself and value others as inherently above him. He loved Rem, the last thing he wanted was for her to be any more overworked. So he did whatever she said, never complained, and everyone assumed he was fine. He doesn't need help like Knives does. Knives can't take care of himself like Vash can. He felt solely responsible for Knives when Rem was gone, and crushingly guilty for (rightfully) leaving him, "don't leave Knives on his own." He does view Knives as a burden, and that makes him feel even guiltier. But this would also make Vash feel pretty entitled, I'm suffering too. But I don't bitch about it. What's his excuse?

There's a lot of disabilities that could be read into with Knives specifically, I even project my own experiences with physical disability onto him !! Knives is weaker than Vash is, both in plant powers and probably in general tbh. Knives is definitely the one getting noogied in the sibling fights. (Also why he chopped his arm off...even the playing field a bit lmfao.) Theres no way Knives had any clue Vash was going to blast an entire city and half of his body with it. If Knives was capable of leveling entire cities, he would've done it by now. All the displays of his power are more of a flashy "don't get close I'm dangerous I'll get ya" message than anything world ending. He's just not strong enough. He uses his big brain a lot more for that stuff, like taking all the plants away so the humans starve lol. I headcanon Knives as pretty sickly in general, what with his fainting spells and what not. I feel like Knives' insecurities are his absolute biggest motivator.

Knives has always deeply craved acceptance. But he's convinced himself that he'll never get it. So he lashes out instead, letting his emotions consume him, because that's all he knows how to do.

Trigun is a very autism media to me. The twins themselves are full of amazing metaphors for autism!!

The plants wings are a physical metaphor for autism! To me Rem’s and other humans fear of seeing Vash’s overtly autistic traits is shown in their reactions to his wings. We see Knives isn’t afraid of showing off his plant powers ever. The twins have a very cool dichotomy about masking. I see Vash was favored because he masked, while Knives never cared to.

When Vash and Knives see Tesla Rem goes to comfort Vash first. This seems to be slightly on favoritism, but also because she’s shocked that Vash is having a large emotional reaction. I think the fandom sees Vash as hyper-emotinal and Knives as hypo-emotional, but to me it’s switched.

Knives does not hide his emotions. And absolutely does not hide his outbursts! He has meltdowns all the time and is not ashamed of his autistic traits. He doesn’t care about being unsettling or being accepted by humans/neurotypical society. (Even more interesting to consider that all of the Gung-Ho Guns are disabled/neurodiverse in some way). Knives allows his emotions to control him, where Vash is guided by his obligations. He does what he wants, based on his wants. And what he wants is to be with the only other autistic person he knows-his brother. He also desperately wants his brother to be free from his internalized ableism and the pain of masking.

Vash on the otherhand spends all his time masking and denying his autistic traits so he can fit in with “normal“ humans. He also again, in contrast to Knives, acts based on how his mother told him to behave. He hates acting out/standing out. He still operates on Rem’s instructions to be “normal“ and unnoticeable. He does occasionally show strong emotions but they’re not his positive emotions. To be these are less examples of Vash being over emotional, but instead are examples of outbursts. The overflow of negative emotions reminds me of my meltdowns! As well most of the emotions we do see Vash show are also parts of his masking. They are deeply constructed displays of emotion. All set to Vash‘s derived sense of what’s normal. It’s what he thinks positive emotions look like. His mask is baked into everything he does. And only one person sees through it-Wolfwood!!

Wolfwood is also set apart by the narrative. He has been modified. In my view this is the story portraying that Wolfwood is also neurodivergent in some way. He is capable of seeing through Vash‘s mask, and from Vash‘s reaction is the first one to call him out on it. He also goes from being afraid of Vash‘s autistic traits-his wings-to supporting him. His last words are him encouraging Vash to express his emotions genuinely(to not worry about his “unsettling“ autism smile).

Trigun as a media deals to deeply with disability and autism(if someone remind me I’ll make another little essay thing about Meryl and Milly‘s autism). I hope this is coherent!!

Anyways! Happy Autism Month!!

#trigun #vash the stampede #millions knives #trigun maximum #thank you for the excuse to talk about this...😇 lalalaaa I love knives I love knives I love autistic knives lalaalaaa #lalalaaa imagine me with a big lolipop rolling around on a unicycle #I love talking about this so MUUCCHH #Vash pull yourself up by your bootstraps Stampede #my headcanons are a mix of both 98 and trimax btw :d #not even to mention how Rem literally taught Vash to hide himself from humans like aaaauhhh fucked up #disappear into the crowd type shit #this is so funn #also I gotta hear that milly and meryl analysis bro ....#other peoples based takes #my based takes

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threetrenchcoatsinatrenchcoat · 3 years ago

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Everything Everywhere All At Once thoughts, all of them:

Stephanie Hsu sang a song about wanting to play different parts, then went and played all the parts. I want your outfits.

Stephanie could do the genie, but Robin Williams couldn’t do Jobu Tupaki

The scene with Alpha Waymond praising Evelyn for being so bad at everything had most of the theater laughing, but being an ADHDer, after Evelyn had been shamed by Deirdre for failing at so many hobbies, hearing just the capacity for experiences praised and considered as elements of identity, I was sobbing and ya know also laughing

This explanation is told in a hilarious way, is the most thorough and convincing reason an everywoman should become any sort of chosen one, and it’s also the best way to construct a superhero story while deconstructing the inherent ableism in the genre.

Daniels talked about a couple cut scenes that more thoroughly resolved Evelyn’s and Jenny Slate’s relationship, one with the same character and one where Jenny plays a talking macaroni boy. It was somewhat clear that Evelyn was being racist in the beginning, but still uncomfortable it didn’t resolve that further

The feet in the Debussy looked um super accurate to the notes at first glance. If they really did pull that off that’s my favorite miracle of the movie

So Daniel Scheinert gave himself the job of being spanked by Michelle Yeoh in the kink-positive climax of the movie.

I want to see more people talking about this ending: this movie reinvents sci-fi action, then makes non-violence look cooler. Evelyn could’ve gotten up those stairs faster with punches, but she wouldn’t have been able to stay grounded enough to care without committing 100% to Waymond’s principles, learning to love even the hot dog verse. And after all that they make rebuilding lines of communication look even cooler.

For all the feats this crew accomplished, they got this movie made cause Michelle Yeoh signed on, and they got Michelle Yeoh by simply writing a complex East Asian woman. Indie creators in all media take note.

Alpha Waymond could have given himself the last paper cut on the other hand.

It would feel disrespectful to the point of the movie to not somehow adapt the themes of the second half, but I know for a fact the mechanics of the first half of EEAAO would be a blast to run as a ttrpg: “Roll me two d100? Ok you’ll be able to pick this lock, but first you have to either hiccup or bark like a dog.”

While we should be talking about the wild things that we are talking about, it’s worth celebrating how well this movie coheres. By constant attention to context, visual references, sound design, whatever it was, I was never once confused which universe we were in. I get lost in normal movies.

I can’t wait to watch a hundred rip-offs of the first act of EEAAO that attempt 10% of what EEAAO succeeds at (sincere).

The trend of fight scenes set to pop songs is over. Long live fight scenes set to remixed Chinese opera.

If Liam Neeson can start an action stardom at 56, we can easily launch Ke Huy Quan at 50.

Son Lux could do Inception, but Hans Zimmer couldn’t do EEAAO

Settling into my post-EEAAO self, I love how much easier it is to feel pride in my skills that have never been visibly useful, and to feel patience for the disappointments and paths I never followed. Somewhere another me is helped by my skills, and somewhen my disappointments will help me access another me.

So them Daniels keep starting with weird concepts then figuring out how to make it about parenting. Dan Kwan wasn’t even a dad when Swiss Army Man dropped and still made a movie about the pain and joy and values we pass on.

Lot of direct movie references: kung fu movies, domestic romance dramas, the chef world is all Pixar, the movie star world is shot with Wong Kar-Wai’s step printing (a type of motion blur) in the wide shots, the hot dog world uses 2001, Evelyn is enamored with MGMish musicals

#i will take it personally if this movie doesn't make a gazillion dollars #to everyone anti-mcu on this site if you can see this movie safely do it this is how we kill disney #everything everywhere all at once #eeaao #daniels

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joannechocolat · 3 years ago

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White feminists, I’m looking at you.

Another week, another raft of Press articles by self-professed white “feminists”, defending their own prejudice by bashing other women. It’s as if they can’t stop themselves, these women of a certain age, a certain class and a (very) certain privilege, who seem quite happy to see women abused, as long as those women are different from their own privileged circle of friends.

These are the women who “don’t see” race, and who think that counts as a virtue.

These are the women who “don’t see” class, or disability, or neurodiversity, or gender, except perhaps for that one friend, who represents all others, and will be used as proof of their tolerance and lack of prejudice whenever the question arises.

These are the women I interact with every day, many of whom I think of as being decent, well-meaning people.

But in actual fact, not seeing race (or gender, or class, or disability) just means you don’t see your own prejudice. I get it: it’s very convenient not to be able to see how one’s privilege impacts on others. Because as soon as you can see that, things start to get uncomfortable. Criticisms people make of you start to seem more justified. It becomes harder and harder to hide behind your comforting circle of friends - all of whom are telling you that you’re right, you’re good, you’re kind, in fact, you’re the real victim if ever your prejudices are called out– your friends, who think just like you.

But here’s the thing. We’re all privileged. We all have unconscious bias. Just because we’re women in a patriarchal society, doesn’t mean we’re not capable of punching down at someone more vulnerable, or causing another person – or group of people - to do so. And let’s face it; those people are usually men. Misogyny loves it when women attack other women. And it’s intersectional. Look closer, and you’ll find how often it leads to racism, ableism and transphobia.

I’m looking at you, white feminists. Using the patriarchy to confirm your own social and racial prejudices, rather than hearing the voices of those women who most need your support. Women of colour. Trans women. (And no, I’m not going to let you deflect by arguing about what exactly makes a woman – there are plenty of people who have done that. Read them if you want to.) What really matters is not whether someone looks or thinks or behaves like you. What really matters is who suffers harm, and who benefits from your actions.

Women are in a majority. Sometimes we forget this. We fight against sexism and prejudice as if we were a minority group. We’re not – or at least, we wouldn’t be, if we didn’t keep splitting into factions, attacking each other, then looking all surprised when the patriarchy keeps rolling on, harming women everywhere. And the saddest part is that we have so much potential energy. If only that energy were directed to bashing the actual patriarchy, rather than by heaping blame upon the women who are its victims, we might be making progress instead of tearing each other apart.

I’m looking at you, white feminists. I know how angry you must feel when people call you prejudiced. I know you’re used to the moral high ground, to the feeling that you’re the real victims of a system that’s loaded against you. And I know that when people call you racist, or ableist, or transphobic, it feels like abuse. It feels that way because you’ve never really considered your privilege in all this. You’ve never really considered the impact your words – amplified by social media, or published in the national Press - might have on real-life people.

You really need to do that. And no, it isn’t easy. First, you have to suppress that urge you have to tell the world that you’re special and different, and therefore have no unconscious prejudice. You’re not, and you do. The fact that you don’t think you have any is precisely because it’s unconscious prejudice. Unconscious prejudice is like a black hole: only detectable through its actions. And if your actions cause POC harm - or trans people, or autistic people, or any other marginalized group likely to receive abuse, or worse, because of something you said, or did – then you need to understand what you did, and acknowledge it.

The first and most important thing is to understand is that this isn’t about you. Too many people fixate on whether or not they’re really racist (or sexist, or ableist, or transphobic) instead of looking further. I get it. It’s easier to focus on the words and what they mean, rather than the reason they were used in the first place. So stop thinking about the words, and think about what you did, instead. Consider whether you said or did something that was harmful. You’re not in the best position to judge. (Unconscious bias, remember?) So listen to your critics. Instead of feeling offended that someone used an ugly word, ask yourself why they used it. Look at their reasons, not yours. Understand their perspective.

That means first putting aside all your excuses and justifications. This isn’t about you, remember? No-one cares why you made a mistake. You might have done it by accident. You might have done it out of ignorance. You might have stuff going on in your life that made you careless or vulnerable. But this isn’t about you. No-one cares why you caused harm. All that matters is that you did. The harm might be direct – causing offense to someone through your words or actions – or indirect – for instance, reinforcing harmful stereotypes, or attracting the kind of negative attention that might result in trolling, doxxing or violence.

Whatever it was, if that happens, the first thing to do is to acknowledge it. Own it without making excuses, or arguing over semantics, or talking about your feelings, or making the process about you.

And no, it isn’t easy. It involves centring the conversation around someone other than you. You may not be used to doing this. It may make you feel uncomfortable. It may even upset you. But remember, this isn’t about how you feel. The fact that you’re instinctively trying to make this about you, even now, should be telling you something.

So yes, get over your feelings. If you said or did something that’s likely to cause harm to someone, own it. Educate yourself. Apologize. Move on, with a greater awareness of what you need to do to improve. That’s all. We’re none of us perfect: we all make mistakes. But when we do, we need to put ego aside, and try to stop repeating them.

Only then will feminism stop tearing itself apart. Only then will feminism be truly deserving of the name - when white women finally understand that if they continue to support and care for only the women who look and think as they do, then the patriarchy wins, and that they are doing its work.

White feminists, I’m looking at you.

White feminists, I’m looking at me.

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this-world-of-beautiful-monsters · 2 years ago

Note

psspspsppspspsp

do you

do you have more leo angst fic reccs? /nf

preferably rise or 2012! but idm others!

Okay, so there’s a whole fucking bunch of these, including some of my own shit (although I removed some of my own Leo-angst fics because the post was just too dang long). You can also find the full list of recs on my AO3.

2018

Everything that We Are by fireworksinthenight - Leo and his family deal with the fallout of the Kraang invasion as best they can (tw trauma, guilt)

Withstanding all the Time, Changes and Seasons by guide_to_the_galaxy - Leo struggles to keep his family together during the apocalypse (tw body horror, mild gore, trauma, doomed timelines)

Of Late Nights and French Movies by pleasantnonsense - Leo tries to comfort Donnie after his brother has a bad dream (tw trauma)

cracked windows, falling by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Leo comes to terms with his multiversal legacy (tw trauma, nightmares, unreality, violence)

“say sorry to the lions, right now” from covered with dead flowers / it was cold it was cold yes it was / cold by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Leo confronts Donnie after discovering one of his brothers’s darkest secrets (tw past mind control, betrayal, trauma, implied ableism)

You can find a whole lot more of recs from an earlier collection here.

TMNT 2012

and I shall name you.. "Karai you lil shit" by @gekroent - A great piece of art about Leorai gone wrong (tw implied mind control, blood)

let's see just how far you'll go by leones @leonsi - Leo is determined to do whatever it takes to keep his family safe and Mikey stumbles upon the downsides (tw blood, self-harm, past child abuse)

evil is a relay sport by leones @leonsi - Leo doesn’t have the strength to hold Donnie back anymore (tw blood, speceism, violence)

Don't Judge Me by DarkxKitsune - Mikey is more accepting of Leo’s desire than Leo himself is (tw tcest, explicit, internalized kink shaming)

you're faking all your pain, you're bleeding on a stage by leones @leonsi - Leo struggles with accepting a mobility (tw trauma, internalized ableism)

i want to break you in pieces, fight me by Anonymous - An alternate reality where Leo is chased out of the sewers by his father and into the perhaps-overly-loving arms of Tiger Claw (tw csa, codependency, blood, violence, rape/noncon, underage sex, PTSD, past child abuse, self-esteem issues, unhealthy relationships, mental health issues, intense age gap)

some sunday in autumn by guide_to_the_galaxy- Leo and his family real from a horrifying loss (tw grief, guilt, trauma, injuries, torture, child abuse)

RL,Hot & Cold by @ringingt - Raph and Leo struggle to survive in the dark together (tw torture, possible tcest)

a quick something my sick depressed mind produced to carry on. by @arishynya - Leo and Karai deal with the return of the space turtles, and the fallout is ugly (tw a form of self-harm, injuries, scars, trauma, mental instability)

This art by @arishynya- Art of a 2012 Foot Leo au (tw implied mind control)

Leorai week day 1 - Injured by @arishynya - Karai struggles to keep Leo safe at a time of crisis (tw blood, injuries)

Something weird by @arishynya - Leo and Karai’s relationship enters a painful stage (tw implied breakup)

This art by !youngtitan213 - Leo deals with the fallout of Karai’s mutation (tw vaguely suggestive?)

The Salamandria Saga - Leo and Donnie try to survive the end of the world together (tw PTSD, turtlecest, explicit, apocalyptic imagery, family imagery)

it's not revolutionary by leones @leonsi - Raph tries to help Leo work out some of his darker feelings (tw implied self-harm, internalized ableism)

Leo, you fierce precious baby by @lornaka - Leo fights for his life during the invasion (tw implied violence)

urges burning through your skin by leones @leonsi - Leo does his best to keep his shit together while having tea with Chloe (tw self-harm, self-hatred, self-esteem issues)

(Tmnt , Au of Vengeance is Mine) by @sabindark - Leo is the one that gets mutated following vengeance is mind (tw identity issues)

save him by haru-kaze - Usagi finds out the reason for Leo’s maturity (tw trauma)

We Captured A Moment by Crowdog @50-shades-of-cloaca - Leo wakes up in the wrong timeline and stumbles into an unusual relationship (tw Splintercest, time travel sexual weirdness, homelessness, violence, injury, speciesm)

ghosts (old conversations) by notebookpapers - Leo has been bearing a lot of weight from a young age (tw child-as-parent, trauma)

Cliché (it was too late for me) by leones @leonsi - Leo stumbles into a relationship with a redhead in the coffee shop (tw trauma, anxiety, background tcest, speciesm, eating disorders)

Leonardo Hamato, The Righteous Hand of (God) Splinter by @floozdooz - Leo’s relationships with his father manifested as worship (tw daddy issues, religious imagery)

My Life Was Ended By Your Hand, the Kind of Murder Where Nobody Dies by PrincessGemma12 @princessgemma12 - Leo and Raph have some ugly shared childhood memories (tw child rape, csa, emotional manipulation, forced incest, future child loss)

There's Nothing More Than Empty Sheets Between Our Love” from I Keep Telling Myself This Might Be Nothing by PrincessGemma12 @princessgemma12 - Leo wrestles with loneliness on his first night awake at the farmhouse (tw implied underage sex, implied tcest)

We're still here, Fearless, don't worry. by @uggables - Leo’s family helps him keep it together after Fungus Humungous (tw trauma)

h, but I'm not bitter. i'm just tired. by leones @leonsi - Leo’s brothers help him sort through the remains of his relationship with Karai (tw break-up, past relationship dysfunction)

please don't tell me we share the same name (i don't want to be associated with that kind of pain) by leones @leonsi - Raph encourages Leo to push his limits, and Leo finds himself stumbling down a dark path (tw past csa, past child abuse, alcohol abuse, PTSD, nausea, unreliable narrator)

clinging to hope (what else is there to live for?) by leones @leonsi - Usagi offers a strange revelation while trying to help Leo pull himself together (tw implied suicide, suicidal thoughts, mental health issues, PTSD, past violence)

Aggressive Empathy in the Abyss (AEITA) by Gemma Winchester (PrincessGemma12), PrincessGemma12@princessgemma12 - Leo and Raph try to wrestle with the past together (tw tcest, explicit, trauma, past rape, past underage rape, PTSD)

ride it out by leones @leonsi - Raph helps Leo deal with a rough patch (tw dissociation, trauma, PTSD, possible tcest)

Both Leos lost someone importante at the end of their stories so I wanted them to meet again even if they are not the same people... by @lyse-474 - Two versions of Leonardo try to work out past losses in alternate realities (tw grief, trauma)

eating disorder fics by leones @leonsi - A primarily Leo-centric collection of stories about his struggle with his body and mind (tw neglect, vomit, unhealthy coping mechanisms, denial, unreliable narrator)

Curled In by Luescris - Raph tries to help Leo literally come out of his shell at the farmhouse (tw panic attacks, trauma, injury)

Don't Get Too Close by runawaydirtbag - A brilliant and terrifying collection of Leo-centric Angstpril stories (tw mental health issues, underage drug use, trauma, child abuse, self-hatred)

To the Victor by squishyturtlefuckfics for Melodistic - Shredder savors his new control over Leo (tw rape, implied torture, mindbreak, bad ending, explicit)

maybe that's the point by leones @leonsi - Donnie helps Leo work out some dark thoughts (tw PTSD, suicidal thoughts, flashbacks)

"i am so sick of being so scared all the time." by @leonsi - Leo is overwhelmed by his PTSD (tw trauma)

memory is the foulest gift by leones @leonsi - Mikey and Leo comes to terms with a long-buried secret (tw child rape, rape, past csa, trauma, family dysfunction, self-hatred, internalized victim blaming, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt)

This art by @nei-ning - Leo receives horrible news (tw grief, tcest)

i can feel your eyes stare (and i'm not gonna lie, i get a little bit scared) by leones - Leo tries to work out his feelings regarding Usagi (tw past rape/noncon, hurt/comfort)

Monster by CityFallArc (orphan_account) - Leo wakes up in time to be left with nothing (tw mind control, past violence)

“Colors (Leonardo) ” from Visions: One Word Prompts by Gemma Winchester (PrincessGemma12) @princessgemma12 - 10 sentences of Leo across the universes (tw trauma, blood and gore, tcest, animal cruelty)

Deepest Darkest by FormlessVoid , with this art by 10yrsy - Leo struggles with the fallout of Fungus Humungous, but at least he’s got Raph on his side (tw trauma, loneliness, nightmares)

“You don’t have to face this alone.” by leos-wormstache - Raph and Splinter both help Leo deal with his fears (tw nightmares)

Hostage by ringingt - Leo struggles to survive Tiger Claw’s captivity (tw forced feeding, blood, injury, torture, sickness)

Inward by Captain_Jade - Leo and his family find themselves caught up in a web of dreams and nightmares (tw unreality, trauma, gore, grief)

Father vs. Sensei by SleepingSeeker - Splinter’s latest training regime takes more out of Leo than usual (tw child abuse, poisoning)

Do you feel it? by Riu_wiu - Raph tries to help Leo with his guilt over their relationship (tw turtlecest, family dysfunction)

Return of Honor by Firebird Scratches - Leo discovers what his newly recovered father can and cannot do for the family (tw violence, injury)

Captain Ryan Wouldn't by Flynne - Leo is growing beyond his childhood heroes (tw violence, fire, pain)

These Scars Remind Me The Past Is Real by xXNerdFighterXx - Leo tries to figure out Raph’s coddling new attitude after he wakes up at the farmhouse (tw family dysfunction, injury, trauma)

The Devil In I by Kareh - Leo is taken from his family and returned as something nearly unrecognizable (tw brainwashing, torture, abuse, trauma, violence)

Sacrifice by Silvermoon27 - Leo sacrificed himself for his family and takes the long road coming home (tw deception, grief, violence, family dysfunction, injury)

If it makes you happy by samstoleaburger - Mikey comforts Leo after a bad day (tw bullying mention, light family dysfunction, self-doubt)

10 ways to say i love you by orphan_account - Leo connects with Casey in ways both beautiful and painful (tw injury, fear)

Hanging By A Moment. by Chandrakantya - A collection of Leo and Casey's first kisses and everything they meant (tw trauma, self-doubt)

I'll Remember You by MusicRocks807 - Leo tries to find Karai, but it’s hard when she’s forgotten almost everything (tw identity issues)

the more things change by breeisonfire - Leo and his family try to put themselves together after coming home from space (tw past grief, trauma)

These nightmares always hang on past the dream. by Werepirechick - Leo and his clan try to keep together in space (tw nightmares, PTSD)

“ One Double-Drabble ” from The Secret Anthology by Amitica Revenant - Leo deals with his impending sacrifice in the Techndrome (tw near-death experiences, drowning)

Coping by FishiesGoneFiction @fishiesgonefiction - Leo does what he can for Karai (tw trauma, dysfunctional relationships)

Dark side of the Sun and Shattered Spirit, Conquered Soul by Shanalaa - A series where Leo pays the price for his family’s inner darkness (tw rape, tcest, forced tcest, sexual abuse, past underage, trauma, victim blaming, internalized victim blaming)

“ xli-l ” of Diffraction by AngelDormais - Leo and his family fight for Leo’s life after fleeing New York (tw injury, trauma)

Unseen by Pheonix500 - Leorai with undertones of fantasy and mind control (tw violence, brainwashing, dubious consent)

Okay by MoTexas55 (CupNoodles55) - Leo deals with a dream of what he can’t have (tw separation, unreality)

You Have Always Wanted This by Adoradork - There is something very wrong with Karai–if only Leo could figure out what (tw implied sexual coercion, mind control)

“You came back. (Splinter&Leo)” from Drabble Collection by starsofyoursoul (Apothecary_Rose) - Splinter comforts Leo after a hard fight (tw injury, guilt, self-doubt, implied trauma, past violence)

can't let a cold heart be free. by Chandrakantya - Karai and Leo’s relationship is always shifting, often painfully (tw implied sexual content, unhealthy relationships, past violence) it's only love, not a timebomb (there's no way out of this) by authenticaussie - Leo can’t help being worried for Casey (tw injury, past violence)

“Used to Know (Mikey & Leo)” from The Shinobi's Garden by taizi @taizi - There’s something wrong with Mikey; Leo helps as best he can (tw violence, nonconsensual drug use, mind control)

“Incompetent (Leo - Problem Child AU)” from The Shinobi's Garden by taizi - Human AU where Leo still has so many fears to wrestle with (tw past homelessness, trauma)

someone will come running by taizi - Leo has to leave to come back (tw family separation, trauma, grief)

in the bitter watches by impossiblewanderings - Raph watches over his sleeping brother (tw trauma, injury, family separation)

My Cub by squishyturtlefuckfics - Tiger Claw carefully breaks down Leo’s walls (tw dubcon/noncon, possible underage, imprisonment, explicit)

Know my name (as it's called again) by moogsthewriter - ATLA AU where Leo, Donnie, and Raph seek out a missing brother (tw family separation)

The Need to Escape by orphan_account - Leo and his family try to find a world outside the shadow of their master, the Shredder (tw trauma, violence, child abuse, implied unhealthy relationships/csa, child abuse, family dysfunction, speciesm, tcest, dehumanization)

Haunted by Kiraynn - Raph helps Leo from a traumatizing attack (tw past rape/noncon, trauma, explicit, tcest)

Broken Brother by Koalagriton - Bringing Raph back isn’t easy, but Leo won’t get up (tw alcohol, tcest, mind control)

On Beautiful Nights and Their Consequences by Anonymous for Crowdog - Karai gives Leo a very strange gift (tw post breakup, surprise parenting)

Stealth and Sacrifice by GoblinCatKC - Leo undoes himself for his brothers in more ways than one (tw violence, blood, self-harm, identity issues)

Sleeping Beauty by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Leo suffers a devastating betrayal without even realizing it (tw rape/noncon, explicit, betrayal, tcest, abuse, sexism, homophobia, guilt)

Strange Little Shadows by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - 50 sentences about Leo, Raph and Karai (tw trauma, tcest, major character death, brainwashing, violence)

I See Things That Nobody Else Sees by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Leo tries to protect his memories of his relationships with his father and brother in the face of harsh reality (tw sexual abuse, rape/noncoon, parent/child incest, tcest, emotional manipulation, unreliable narrator, physical abuse, emotional/psychological abuse, gaslighting)

No Safe Place by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Karai discovers one of Leo’s ugliest secrets (tw csa, underage rape/noncon, past manipulation, past violence, explicit, parent/child incest, identity issues)

“Quick” from TMNT ABC III: Lives And Times Of The Turtles by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Leo, Mikey, and the nature of monsters (tw violence, attempted rape, vomit, gore)

“Gone” from TMNT ABC IV: Turtles Forever And Ever And Ever by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Leo tries to keep his brothers alive when their father disappears (tw childhood trauma, speciesm, self-harm, hunger)

“They don't give a fuck about you, like I do” from Red-Light District by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Tiger Claw takes Leo apart after an escape attempt (tw child abuse, csa, rape/noncon, imprisonment, implied violence, injury, torture, unreliable narrator)

“Stop Worrying And Love (The Bomb)” from Midnight Whispers by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Leo and his family do what they need to survive (tw sort-of-abortion, cannibalism, tcest, apocalypse, implied character death)

and if you have nightmares, we'll dance on the bed by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Shini and Karai have to rescue Leo from an ugly situation (tw gore, captivity, torture, mentioned sexism, mentioned sexual assault, dissociation, trauma, past underage rape/noncon, fire)

feeling like a boulder hurtling by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Leo is particularly frustrated by two of his new enemies (tw brainwashing, underage rape/noncon, mind control, violence, emotional manipulation, abuse, unreliable narrator)

sew this hole up that you ripped in my head by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Inspired by @leones’s magnificent relax. by leones (which I’ve recced elsewhere); an accidental trip through the multiverse forces Leo to confront the past (tw past csa, past underage rape/noncon, trauma)

“constellation” from with friends like these, who needs by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Chloe loves Mr. Turtle, even when she doesn’t always understand him (tw trauma, implied injury)

“cursed” from with friends like these, who needs by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Leo has a question that only the forest can answer (tw grief, implied ableism, mentioned eating disorders, trauma, family dysfunction)

You can find a whole lot more of recs from an earlier collection here .

TMNT IDW

Dawn Into the Dark by Cass_Phoenix- Leo relapses after escaping from Shredder (tw violence, mind control)

This coincidence has been carefully planned - Lavinia/Shredder by Ibenholt

@Ibenholt - Genderbent AU where Saki claws his way into Lavinia’s life, over and over again (tw rape/noncon, mutilation, violence, trauma, mind control)

some Dark Leo doodles just for fun by @mooncalfe - Reflections on a different Foot Leo costume (tw implied mind control)

some doodles by @mooncalfe - Leo tries to deal with the City Fall fallout (tw trauma, past mind control, creepiness, identity issues, past abuse, past manipulation)

This art by @ringingt - Leonardo has an ugly confrontation with his Foot self (tw violence, self-harm/suicide undertones, major character death imagery, identity issues, implied mind control)

CITY FALL by @puna-nezuki - Raph encounters Foot Leonardo in the rain (tw implied mind control)

This art by @robinsondraws1 - Leo is fracturing, just a little bit (tw mental health issues, identity issues)

Blue and Red to Black by dearjoanwallace - A poem about Foot Leonardo (tw violence, mind control, major character death)

“(Shredder/Leo) Accidental” by Sink Deeper (Hypnovember 2021) by squishyturtlefuckfics - An unexpected memory drags Leo down (tw explicit, sexual assault, underage rape/noncon, mind control)

This art by @72stars - Leo’s family do their best to comfort him after City Fall (tw past mind control, trauma)

Tamashi No Tatakai by dearjoanwallace - Leo’s dreams are not his own (tw violence, unreality, emotion manipulation, mind control)

Leo - Foot slave by teddyparty - Leo finds himself caught in an ugly trap (tw slavery, imprisonment, implied mind control)

come back for us by blackdragon-sama - Raph tries to pull Leo back from the Foot (tw incest, mpreg, implied mind control)

[TMNT IDW] City Fall Leo EDIT -Here- by Pizzainator - Leo’s part of the Foot Clan now, but he doesn’t belong (tw flashing lights/colors, violence, manipulation, grief, blood)

Glued Leaves by Pebr - Leo’s perspective as he decides whether to spare Koya’s life (tw violence, blood, trauma)

For doing what I could not. by leospigtails - Leo tries to comfort both Mikey and himself (tw past child abuse, explicit, tcest)

The Games We Play by orphan_account - Karai and Leo are caught up in a dangerous game (tw implied brainwashing, consent issues, explicit, identity issues)

Dark Leo by dearjoanwallace - Leo’s plans for the future are dark, determined, and not his own design (tw violent thoughts, discussions of character death, unreliable narrator)

Goodbye For Now by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Leo and Karai try to figure things out before her departure (tw grief, trauma, past manipulation, past abuse)

Darkness Eating Me Alive by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Raph gives Leo a shoulder to lean on in the aftermath of City Fall (tw past mind control, past abuse, violence, gore, simulated character death, trauma, guilt, nightmares, unreality)

Screaming Into The Void by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Leo receives solace from an unusual source (tw eating disorders, self-harm, trauma, grief, abandonment, past mind control, violence, fire)

“Zombies” from ABC TMNT by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Leo’s reality is less stable than he’d like (tw past mind control, csa, trauma, hallucinations, gore, horror, rot, internalized ableism)

“Confrontation” from ABC TMNT II: Out Of The Ooze by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Leo tries to come to terms with what Kitsune did to him (tw past mind control, emotional manipulation; still relatively tame compared to my other City Fall stuff)

“You” from ABC TMNT II: Out Of The Ooze by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Leo and Jenny try to reckon with the weight of their new bodies (tw past character death, body image issues)

“Kindling” from TMNT ABC III: Lives And Times Of The Turtles by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Leo’s father is slipping into a dark place and Leo can’t save him, only stop him (tw violence, imprisonment, child abuse, mental health issues, child death, fire)

give my regards from the underground by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters, inspired by @ibenholt‘s writing - Rule 63 City Fall AU where Hamato Lavinia does her best to put herself back together (tw past underage rape/noncon, past mind control, past csa, blood and gore, nightmares, unreality, trauma)

TMNT 2003

Silk and Steel by katanashipping (stopbeingbored)- Leo is fracturing at the edges, even with Usagi’s help (tw mental health issues, trauma, implied violence)

spectrum by m00nie - Leo is autistic and struggling to keep it together (tw meltdowns, internalized ableism)

martyrs and holy men by comatoseroses- Leo tries to figure Raph, and himself, out (tw family dysfunction, blood, injury, trauma)

Solitude's Price by Skywinder - Leo’s role in the family cuts him off from the rest (tw family dysfunction, self-isolation)

Heights by ASWF - A character study told in leaps and falls (tw trauma, mental health issues, implied violence)

Compassion Is Not Optional by Crowdog @50-shades-of-cloaca - Leo’s family is determined to take care of him, despite the Ninja Tribunal’s attempts to stand in their way (tw injury, trauma, ableism)

You Build A Wall by HamsterMasterSamster - Leo and April bond in the aftermath of Shredder’s attack (tw trauma, past destruction, injury recovery)

Blindspot by Valpoet - Leo tries to figure out survival in a SAINW universe (tw mentioned depression, past self-harm, PTSD)

Words Best On Paper by TheAngelofFate for BrightLotusMoon - Mikey uses his journal to cope with Leo’s escalating issues (tw trauma, family dysfunction)

The Katana Chronicles by Windify - A collection of Leo-centric stories (tw violence, child abuse, self-harm, drug use, trauma, violence, injury)

Soft by Koalagriton - Usagi struggles to keep Leo alive after a dangerous encounter on his world (tw poison, near-death experiences, brief suicidal ideations)

Love Endures All by SleepingSeeker - Leo tries not to be destroyed by Karai’s fractured edges (tw abuse, dysfunctional relationships, torture, self-esteem issues)

With a Touch of Blue by Windify - The Hamato family is abruptly reunited with a missing sibling (tw trauma, torture, amnesia, forced cannibalism, mind control)

Avocado by Capricornicis - Leo tries and fails to have some “normal” playtime with Casey (tw explicit)

Vanishing by governmentcontractor - Leo and Mikey deal with the edge Leo is approaching (tw family dysfunction, elements of abuse, trauma)

“In The Hands Of The Enemy,” “I've Got You,” “I Think I've Broken Something,” “Panic! At The Disco + What's a Whumpee Gotta Do To Get Some Sleep Around Here?,” “I Think We Need A Doctor ” and “Today's Special: Torture ” from Whumptober 2020 by ceraxxxx - Leo-centric stories from Whumptober (tw major character death, guns, injury, family dysfunction, guilt, grief, trauma, paranoia, exhaustion)

Them by SeaThreePeeO - Leo can’t get the blood off his hands (tw violence, gore, guilt)

Whispered by Pebr - A demon finds its way into the sewers, setting its sights on Leo and his brothers (tw violence, self-harm, MCD imagery, possession, manipulation, amnesia, trauma, self-esteem issues, identity issues)

“Leader: Splinter,” “Emotion: Leonardo,” and “Rectitude: Splinter” from Drabbles Forever by Mikell - A collection of Leo-centric stories (tw emotional issues, childhood trauma)

Point of View by MissMoMo1990 - Alternating POV during one of Leo and Raph’s more destructive squabbles (tw violence, family dysfunction, unhealthy relationships)

Paperthin by stopbeingbored - Leo and Usagi’s relationship comes under Casey’s scrutiny, and Leo doesn’t know how to deal with that (tw violence, homophobia)

Strategy by Meg720 - Leo finds his own way to comfort Donnie (tw trauma, past character death)

Maybe Just the End by nightwalker for amaronith - Day of Tomorrow AU where Leo and Donnie fight for their lives in a stalled elevator (tw apocalypse, minor character death)

Chronic by suitboxers (orphan_account) - Leo’s struggle to cope spins out of control (tw drug addiction, ableism)

Whumptober 2020: Leaving Tonight by Pebr - Leo-centric whump drabbles (tw injury, torture, blood and injury, starvation, imprisonment, unreliable narrator)

My soul is bigger than my body (I don’t know myself at all) by GreenGoddessSmoothie - Leo has had so much to bear over his short life (tw trauma, unhealthy relationships)

It Always Comes Back to You by zangetsugirl - 50 sentences about Leo, some happy and some not (tw implied violence, past destruction, trauma, guilt)

I Call The Shots by ClothesBeam - Leo finds himself caught in Karai’s web (tw slavery, abuse, torture, rape, tcest, explicit)

The Legacy by Nekotsuki - Leo discovers that some threats aren’t as dead as he’d hoped (tw nonconsensual drug use, blood, violence, forced transformation)

Not Enough by Starkangejr - Leo can only be so close to what Raph wants (tw dubcon, noncon, tcest, explicit, unhealthy relationships)

Release From Guilt by babygirl127 - Donnie tries to help Leo work out his emotions after Raph gets hurt (tw possible self-harm, complicated BDSM etiquette, consent issues, trauma, guilt, tcesty undertones, non-erotic spanking, past violence, injury)

Deterioration by hummerhouse @hummerhouse - Leo and his brothers get caught up in Bishop’s latest scheme and discover they have more to lose than they ever considered possible (tw violence, tcest, possession, nonconsensual-touching, manipulation, violence)

Underdark by Nekotsuki - Leo and MIkey fight to survive a cave-in together (tw injury, near-death experiences, sensory loss, blood)

Past to Present by crabapplered- Leo leads his brothers once more by giving Donnie a very special welcome home (tw past violence, family dysfunction, internalized ableism, trauma, tcest, explicit)

i promise that you'll breathe again by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Leo and his surviving brothers mourn their dead (tw grief, alcohol, past alcoholism, trauma, tcest)

All Media Types

you make holes in me and little slits (you use as mouths for you to kiss) by Anonymous for This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Raph has some really bad ideas about how to handle Leo’s self-harm (tw torture, rape, underage, gore, implied self-harm, abuse)

A Choice by Deliciousdame - An imprisoned Leo faces a decision (tw captivity, manipulation, discussions of betrayal)

A Petal Falling by FoxTheWriter - Leo deals with the sometimes ugly side of duty (tw anxiety, panic attacks, eating disorders, suicidal thoughts)

Tonight by cndrow - Leo and Raph deal with bumps in the road of their relationship (tw tcest, dysfunctional relationships)

Lure Rebound by Various - A collection of Leoraph art, including heavy angst (tw blood, explicit, turtlecest)

"This isn't just about you..." from Chapter 2 of Quotes by what_should_i_post_here - Leo and Raph struggle to overcome Leo’s inhibitions (tw tcest, implied family dysfunction)

A Different Path by VenusTheMarvelTurtle - A darkly brilliant Foot!Leo AU centered around toxic Leoraph (tw abuse, torture, rape/noncon, underage rape, csa, manipulation, drug use, violence, gore, explicit, tcest, unhealthy relationships, self-loathing)

Problem Solving by Goblin Cat KC - The loss of Donnie’s mathbooks leads into a much bigger mystery, with Leo at the center (tw learning issues, self-esteem issues)

Insanity Disguised by NRATQH - Leo comes to terms with the steps he must take to protect his brothers (tw self-harm, neglect, family dysfunction, self-loathing, guns, violence, speciesm)

Quiet by Fight_As_One - Leo and his family fight for their lives at the end of the world (tw violence, major character death, guilt, trauma)

Pet Turtle by GoblinCatKC - Leo gets tangled up with two unsavory customers (tw explicit, rape, gore, violent death)

“Chapter 26” through “Chapter 29” from Of Flowers and Things by Mystic Medjai - Mikey gets hurt and Leo struggles with the aftermath (tw violence, injury, guilt)

“S2 Chapter 74 ” from Of Flowers and Things by Mystic Medjai - Leo tries to work out his feelings for Karai (tw unhealthy relationships)

Never Never by crazycatlady713 - Leo comes to terms with his father’s vulnerability and the burden of growing up

“Inside - Part 1” and “Inside - Part 2” from The Secret Anthology by Amitica Revenant - Leo watches helpless as Donnie disappears into his own mind

Ignore the Ghosts by Bunny MacCool - Leo is beyond repair when he comes home (tw mental break, images of gore and character death, implied torture, unreality)

Three Sheets to the Wind by Bunny MacCool - Leo’s brothers’ attempt at family bonding leads to some painful revelations (tw underage drinking, implied forced alcohol consumption, trauma, self-doubt, self-esteem issues)

Eldest by Ironi Numair - Leo’s very personal version of the turtles origin story (tw animal death)

If You Had To Choose by DarkestSight (Daylight) - Leo and Raph try to decide who they’d save (tw self-sacrificial/suicidal undertones, implied violence)

The Only Thing Left by Connie Nervegas - Raph and Leo are the only ones left, and they might not be enough (tw gore, smoking, alcohol, suicide attempt, major character death, family dysfunction)

A Paper Trail by sleepyxcoffee - Leo’s attempt to find his father lead to some ugly places, and his brothers must race to save them both (tw violence, gore, torture, misogyny, racism, speciesm)

Waking Up by fren - Leo has spent a lifetime in a world that didn’t exist, and wakes off not sure which reality he prefers (tw heartbreak, implied sexual content, implied suicidality, imaginary major character death)

xxxiii. ink from “ xxxi-xl ” of Diffraction by AngelDormais - From a young age, Leo has trouble taking things for himself

More than a sword. by leospigtails - Leo and his brothers find themselves in a dimension-spanning adventure with terrifying implications (tw turtlecest, violence, major character death, manipulation, selfcest, trauma)

Other by VenusTheMarvelTurtle - Leo’s mind is under attack and splintering from within (tw rape, tcest, explicit, underage rape, implied casa, blood and gore, mind break, humiliation, psychological torture)

Between the Lines , What Doesn't Hurt , and From the Depths of Dreams by jusXtrust - Karai is determined to have Leo one way or another (tw torture, rape, imprisonment, trauma, sexual coercion, explicit, humiliation)

“Remembered” from The 100 by Alessa_D - Leo tries to deal with his father’s approaching end

Icosahedron by AngelDormais - Leo’s family refuses to let him die for them (tw self-sacrifice/suicidal behavior, destruction)

“Fear” from Turtles by Neko_HaniChan - Leo deals with a devastating loss (tw major character death, violence, suicidal thoughts)

“If ” from 100 Challange - TMNT by Kamefootninja (Kame630) - Leo is paralyzed by possibilities (tw implied character death)

“Work ” 100 Challange - TMNT by Kamefootninja (Kame630) - Leo does his best to keep his emotions under control

All by sleepingseeker - Karai takes a captive Leo apart (tw imprisonment, implied torture, dubcon, explicit, threats of mutilation)

Silenced by DreamerofCurses - Leo has a permanent injury, a new perspective on life, and nowhere to hide from his father (tw child abuse, past violence)

Purgatory by GoneBunny Leo wrestles with some particularly painful desires (tw explicit, violence, blood) Redux by vacant houses (the_lost_robot) - Leo’s reality is being stolen out from under him (tw major character death, unreality, torture, violence, horror)

Where Do I Even Start (It's All Falling Apart) by Kareh - Leo does something terrible and Leo doesn’t know how to cope (tw suicidal impulses, rape/noncon, trauma, victim blaming, nonconsensual drug use)

Give me a reason by GoneBunny, Watchword - Karai helps Leo learn not to die (tw suicide attempt, past child abuse, implied violence, sexual content)

bloodlines from Kay the Cricketed - Star Wars AU where Leo does not forget his brothers (tw family separation, identity issues)

Lockdown from Kay the Cricketed - Leo keeps a secret and accidentally sucks his family into a frightening new battle (tw injury, hiding injury, poisoning, drug mention)

The Teapot Dilemma from Kay the Cricketed - Raph helps Leo deal with all the little ways loss creeps up on you (tw grief, past character death)

Careful Where You Go from Kay the Cricketed - Leo says goodbye to Donnie (tw violence, blood, injury, major character death)

A Beautiful Moment and Paper Thin Wishes from Kay the Cricketed - Leo has so much to say and not enough time to say it (tw major character death)

Flicker from Kay the Cricketed - Leo follows Raph into danger and matters split out of control (tw blood, major character death in one version, violence, grief, trauma, guilt)

Clarity, Her Tomb from Kay the Cricketed - Leo tries to make his way out of a fracturing reality, with only warped versions of his brothers to guide him (tw blood and gore, violence, unreality, manipulation)

Wallower from Kay the Cricketed - The darker parts of Leo’s mind come crawling out during a fever (tw sickness, implied injury, unreality, possible body horror, self-esteem issues, mentions of self-harm)

The Lake from Kay the Cricketed - Leo tries to deal with the fact that Donnie isn’t coming back (tw grief, trauma, past major character death)

Footsteps that Follow from Kay the Cricketed - Leo is forced to confront the stranger parts of psyche (tw mental attacks, unreality, manipulation, implied violence)

The Bartering Room by kay_cricketed - A magical-realism AU where the tools for Leo’s family’s survival lie in his own undoing (tw memory loss, self-sacrificial/suicidal behavior, major character death, self-destruction)

inside the telescope by guide_to_the_galaxy - Leo tries to cope with the steady, relentless loss of his sight (tw bad parenting, ableism, trauma, manipulation, unreality)

sub!Leo prompts by GoblinCatKC - A collection of sexy Leo stories dealing around various levels of consent (tw rape/noncon, sexual abuse, torture, panic attacks, anxiety, explicit, objectification, nonconsensual issues, mind break, nonconsensual body modification)

Tsunami Dream by GoblinCatKC - Leo and Mikey try to survive a radically changed New York (tw unreality, apocalypse, destruction)

Candles Drowning by GoblinCatKC - Leo experiences a frightening transformation with ugly ramification for his family (tw noncon/dubcon, mind control, violence, gore, identity issues, unreliable narrator, captivity, torture, tcest, explicit, family dysfunction)

Routine by Ibenholt @ibenholt - Leo struggles to keep himself and his brothers alive under Shredder’s thumb (tw sexual slavery, rape/noncon, hostage situations, implied control, nonconsensual bodily modification, emotional/psychological abuse, violence)

Not Our Problem by Kyn - Leo takes a child from a dumpster and sends the remains of his clan spiraling (tw violence, poverty, attempted child murder, suicide attempts, family separation, past torture, past captivity, dystopia, guns, attempted rape, explicit, identity issues)

Casting Stones at the River by GoblinCatKC - Leo and his brothers wield the double-edged sword of immortality (tw violence, character death, tcest, explicit, consent issues, family dysfunction, possible abuse, imprisonment, explosions, apocalypse)

Lio by GoblinCatKC - Leo faces a choice only he can make (tw fears of misgendering and misogyny, implied abortion)

Stumbling in Fog by GoblinCatKC - Silent Hill crossover where Leo searches for his brothers in a disorienting hellscape (tw violence, suspect, horror)

Bad Places by GoblinCatKC - Leo comes back from a bad palace with a heart full of secrets (tw gore, blood, violence, mental health issues, identity issues)

Mirage Comics

Something About Ajax and the Inevitable from Kay the Cricketed - Leo loses everything bit by bit (tw family separation, grief, trauma)

The Greatest Enemy from Kay the Cricketed - Leo contemplates the burning body of the Shredder (tw past violence, very roundabout references to rape)

Ten Minutes by kay_cricketed - Leo pushes himself dangerously far in his struggle for perfection (tw insecurity, anxiety, self-harm)

TMNT 2007

Reflection by KameTerra- Leo tries not to go to pieces in the jungle (tw loneliness, family separation)

Scars by KameTerra - Leo’s reflections on the past are interrupted by a hope for the future (tw grief, major character death, past violence)

Jungle Fever by Elphaba-Rose - Leo and Raph get sent to the jungle together (tw injury, tcest, explicit, brief references to sexual assault not involving main characters)

Never Again by Winnychan - Leo shares a dark story with Karai (tw implied child trafficking, past violence, past manipulation, trauma, guilt)

“His Own Grave ” from The Secret Anthology by Amitica Revenant - Leo comes home far too late to prevent a permanent sundering (tw family dysfunction, separation, heartbreak)

Send Your Lifeboats Out For Me by Crowdog @50-shades-of-cloaca - Leo comes home from Central America with a secret he took to the jungle with him and his brothers try to put the pieces together (tw rape, graphic depictions of violence, bathroom issues, violence, gore, torture, sexual torture, tcest, explicit, genital mutilation, child abuse, victim blaming, panic attacks, suicidal thoughts)

“xxiii. vapor” from xxi-xxx of Diffraction by AngelDormais - Neither Donnie nor Leo know what to deal with Leo’s impending departure

Countdown to Clarity by LittleKy - The crumbling of Leo and Raph’s relationship in reverse (tw violence, family dysfunction)

“Moon” from 100 Challange - TMNT by Kamefootninja (Kame630) - The moon hasn’t changed, but Leo and his family have (tw family separation)

Homecoming Child - Leo comes home too late (tw major character death, implied character death, family separation)

The Lost World from Kay the Cricketed - Leo tries to figure out who he is in the wild heart of the jungle (tw family separation, identity issues, past violence)

TMNT Bayverse

The guilt you dont deserve [comic] by Traitmill - Leo and his family deal with the fallout from their latest trauma (tw turtlecest, blood and gore, gore, trauma)

Lean Into the Hard Left by bright_roaring_blue - Leo struggles to cope with his father’s unveiled secret (tw implied sexual content, family issues)

The gift horse's mouth. by leospigtails - Leo experiences a transformation with painful implication for the whole family (tw nonconsensual drug use, tcest, bad parenting)

Home by Ponaco - Leo learns to step up at a young age (tw violence, childhood trauma, speciesm)

Out of the Shadows by cptsuke - Leo struggle to take care of his brothers, even when they don’t really understand his methods (tw implied violence, family dysfunction, speciesm)

123 notes · View notes

nightowlwriting · 3 years ago

Text

summary: steve is acting weird. avoiding you, being snippy and mean, leaving the room when you enter. all you want is your boyfriend back, but all he wants is to pretend you don't exist. when he's almost hurt on a mission, you do what you're made to do.

word count: 11k

reader specifics: no race/gender/sexuality/body type mentioned, no pronouns for reader used, powered!reader, insecure!reader

warnings: steve is mean to the reader in the beginning, heavy angst, hurt/comfort, canon-level violence, brief ptsd symptoms, slight description of blood, brief mention of racism in the '30s & '40s

brief mentions of: reader's parents being toxic, homelessness, past accidents, ableism in the past & present

note: this one hurt me lmfao. idk why this went the way it did but i'm not mad at it // also i am a queer, trans, disabled american. i have fundamental disagreements with things that marvel/the mcu as it stands for and some of the more nuanced things that you might not notice unless you're looking for it. this will take place in my writing because i cannot separate myself from the lens in which i consume/create content.

title credit: lil nas x

mobile masterlist - request - support my work? - ao3

Falling in love with Steve Rogers went against every instinct you had. You knew that he was going to hurt you from the first moment your lips touched his. Sure - he’s clever, righteous, courteous… You can’t forget he’s also drop-dead gorgeous because every trashy gossip magazine in a three-state radius of New York doesn’t let you forget. Neither does the sight of him waking up in your bed every morning. (Well, actually, maybe that would remind you if he was still fucking doing that.)

But lately, you’ve had to rely on the fucking tabloids to catch a glimpse of your super-hero boyfriend. The university class you had picked up on a whim at the end of the summer - Life & Times of the ‘30s and ‘40s - avoids any mention of Steve Rogers and the Howling Commandos. Not that your classmates do because, Christ on a bike, those magazines manage to catch pictures of you and Steve in moments that you don’t even remember. Plus, you’re an Avenger too. It’s bound to catch some attention when you waltz into a college classroom.

You’re sure if you were an undergrad trying to fill a gen-ed requirement and were sitting next to someone who could kill you without blinking but also dating Captain Rogers you’d be a little distracted too. You try not to blame your classmates too much, but they do make it hard to concentrate with their -really dating Captain America?- and -wonder if I could get an autograph- whispers. None of that matters because you’re learning, really studying, in between missions and missing Steve and believing that maybe the gossip reporters are right.

Maybe he’s forgotten about you.

You grit your teeth and push the thought away. It does you no good right now, while you’re training with Peter. He’s working his way up to bona fide missions and, because you’re the only one on the team who has experience with real-life teenagers outside of saving their lives, it’s up to you to get him to the level that he needs to be. Plus, the mission where he’s going to get his gills wet is just you, Tony, Steve, Nat, and Bucky. You’d much rather be the one to train him because you won’t traumatize him.

Right now, though, you’re just kicking his ass to try and get rid of some of the tension in your body. You feel a little bad about it, but when you started as his mentor you told him point-blank that you’d never go easy on him. That meant if you were having a bad day he either needed to up his game or he’d have a bad day too. It appears he’s taken that to heart as he struggles to dodge the hits you’re throwing his way. He lunges out of the way when you try to land a right hook but practically walks into the leg sweep that sends him crashing to the ground.

“Awe,” Peter groans, letting his guard down. You take the momentary lapse of focus to grab him by the collar of the hoodie he’s wearing and haul him to his feet, jerking one fist back to cold-clock him but he beats you to it. You hear the sound of your nose cracking before you feel it but then the pain rushes you all at once. You’ve had worse but coming from Peter, the move surprises you. You don’t yell out but he does when you push him away from you and call the fight off. Peter practically yelps your name, hands up by his head as he watches you bend at the waist, both hands over where your nose is absolutely gushing blood. “I am so sorry, I just reacted-!”

“It’s fine, Pete,” You shake your head and stand straight again, the blood beginning to leak through your fingers, “Just go get me a towel, okay?” Peter practically trips over his feet to get something for your nose and as you track him on his way into the locker rooms, you see Steve, Bucky, and Nat. The latter are looking your way, eyebrows raised like they’re asking you if you’re okay. Steve hasn’t even broken stride in his conversation so you wave them off with a bloody hand. Peter’s back in a flash, pressing a wet towel into your grasp and snapping you out of your self-pity party. “It was a good hit,” You compliment as you wipe your face off, “I just wasn’t expecting it. Prob’ly wouldn't have landed it if I had.”

He wrings his hands, shifting from foot to foot. “I’m sorry-”

“It’s a good thing, Peter, means you’re getting better.” You deadpan, checking to see if your nose has stopped bleeding yet, “I don’t think you actually broke it, but I’ll go down to medical to check later.” You do your best to clean up your hands with the wet towel, but it’s so soaked with your blood that it mostly just smears it around. You grimace and shake your head. “Well, I should go now before our sparring match ends up looking like I murdered you.”

“I’ll go with,” He offers, “I’m the one who broke your nose.” You let Peter walk you down to medical even though you were originally going to refuse. Perhaps petty, but it was the way that Steve didn’t even look your way as you left that made you let the teenager walk you the two floors to where you’d be able to clean yourself up. He hums in the elevator and you know that he wants to ask you something - it’s the way he holds his mouth when he’s prying for information or keeping a secret that tips you off. Finally, just before the elevator opens, you sigh and turn to him.

“What, Peter?” He grins but then it falls when he has to skitter after you down the hall. Maybe that’s why it falls - the question he asks next nearly sends you to your ass.

“Is everything okay with you and Captain Rogers?” He easily catches up to you when you stop in your tracks, ignoring that you’re still bleeding a little bit down your face and you might be dripping blood everywhere from where it’s run down your arms.

“What?” You do your best to look confused like everything is fine, but Peter is perceptive. He may fumble around and be pretty awkward, but those are really just teenager things that he’ll hopefully outgrow. You should have known that when someone caught onto how bad things are on your end, it would be Peter. (You wonder if Nat or Bucky has brought it up with Steve, considering he’s spent more time with them in the past week than he’s seen you in the past month.) “We’re fine.” Your words are stilted as you begin walking to the medical wing much faster than before.

“I just thought I’d ask, well, because I’ve sort of noticed… Something just seems off, you know? Like, you two used to spend a lot of time together, and maybe it’s the recon mission coming up, but I was just thinking that you two really barely look at each other even when you’re in the same -”

“Peter!” You say his name much louder than either of you expected and both of you jump. “Peter,” You say softer, looking at the glass door to the medical wing instead of him, “Just leave it, okay? It’s nothing you have to worry about, kid.” Peter ducks around to open the door, forcing you to look at him. “He’s just focused on his stuff and I’m focused on getting you whipped into shape for this mission. We only have two days.” Once you’re inside and surrounded by the medical crew Tony keeps on staff, he thankfully drops it. You love Peter, you do, but it’s a lot like having a little brother. You can only love them so much before you want to fucking strangle them. Eventually, as the doctor checks to make sure he hasn’t broken your nose, you have to order him away to go study or something. “I’ll join you later,” You promise him as the doctor prods at your tender flesh, “I have an essay due soon.”

That’s another thing that’s been bugging you that Peter surely picked up on. Nearly everybody knew you were taking a course at the local community college, but nobody knew what it was about. You’d wanted to keep it a secret until you told Steve, but the day you had registered he’d flown out for a two-week mission without telling you or saying goodbye. After that, you decided it didn’t really matter if anyone knew what class you were taking, and keeping it a secret sort of spiraled from there. If they wanted to know they could look it up. Maybe it was petty, but you just wanted the class to be over and done with so you could forget that you really only picked it up so you relate to your boyfriend more.

If you can even call Steve your boyfriend anymore. You’re not so sure where you stand and, honestly, you’re really close to giving up on the relationship as a whole but you can’t do that. Before you were dating, you were friends, and Steve… He never gave up on you. Not once. How could you repay him by giving up on your relationship? The one that you thought was The One? Even if it hurts, even if you’re unsure more than sure these days, how could you? Somewhere, though, you know you deserve better. You don’t deserve the sinking, dark feeling that lingers in your gut for most of your days now or the way that you second-guess every move you make - even in the field. It’s dangerous but you can’t do anything to fix it.

You’re too scared. You know that eventually, it will happen, he’ll break up with you, but you’d like to put that day off for as long as possible. To relish in the love he once had for you, how pure and powerful it was. You’re sure that you’ll never experience anything like that again.

Hell, you might never fall in love again.

Those thoughts don’t do anything to help you, though, so you try not to have them. You get clearance from the doctor and get cleaned up as much as you can without taking a full body shower. The idea to go back to your room and take one crosses your mind but you know that Steve’s probably done training, probably heading back for his own shower, and you don’t want to open that can of worms. Instead, you go to the common room and drop into the couch between Peter and Tony. They’re talking about something something science something something, but you pull your stack of books and notebooks out from the shelf underneath the coffee table and continue outlining your essay from where you left off. The assignment was focused on how the end of WW1 changed American life and then how life changed leading up to and during WW2 but that had hit a little too close to home for you, so you’re writing about the racial tension and overall racism of the times. Tony and Peter keep talking over your back and then you hear footsteps heading toward the common room.

You barely look up when they enter - Nat and Bucky - because it’s fine. It’s normal. They’re just two of Steve’s best friends, that’s all, nothing to be jumpy about. You don’t even register that emotional pain that hits when you realize that, yeah, you’re not one of his best friends anymore. You doubt you’re even considered a friend in his book.

You groan and lean back into the couch, bringing your study materials with you. Peter glances over, skimming over your page and a half of shorthand, and gags. “Jesus, can you write like a normal person?”

“Oh, sorry,” You say lazily, not looking up as you continue to scribble in your incomprehensible code, “I do forget that some of us had privacy at home.” You lift your lips just a little bit to let Peter know you’re kidding, looking up at him through your lashes as you slouch next to him. He looks red in the face. “Besides, once you have to start doing mission reports you’ll be begging me to learn my shorthand and use my stenography machine.”

“I keep telling you that I can update that ol’ thing,” Tony draws your attention. For the first time, you realize that Nat and Bucky are on the loveseat looking at you expectantly. Steve is standing in the corner over their shoulder reading a book from the bookshelf in front of him. His back is tense and he looks like he’s not reading, just listening. You force your eyes back to Tony on your right and shake your head.

“No, because then you’d know my shorthand and it makes me too happy to see you spend hours trying to decipher it.” His eyes wander to your essay again, trying to find any patterns that he can use to figure out what the hell you’re writing on anything ever. He’s opening his mouth to make a smart-ass remark that will no doubt lift some of the weight off of your shoulders when another voice speaks up.

“Wow,” Steve doesn’t even look at you even as he says your name sardonically, “Way to be a team player.” Your mind comes to a screeching halt, trying to figure out what the fuck he’s playing at. Even Bucky and Nat look surprised at the cold way he spoke to you, Tony and Peter both gasping from your side. You can’t say anything, throat tight and burning with tears as you stare at your boyfriend with raised eyebrows. What do you say to that? How do you respond? You know it wasn’t a joke because he’s not laughing, not smiling, not even looking up from that fucking book in his hands. You can’t tell if you’re more hurt or embarrassed, but either way, you don’t want to stick around for someone to get the nerve to say something.

Instead of replying, you slam your textbooks shut and bundle everything into your arms. You doubt Steve even notices that you’re making such a hasty retreat but if he does, he doesn’t say a fucking thing. You feel like you’re in high school - practically running through an empty hallway with your notebooks and textbooks pressed to your chest, trying not to cry. It’s ridiculous. You’re a trained assassin, you’re an Avenger, you are strong and powerful and yet… And yet. You’ve given so much of your heart and soul to Steve Rogers that he can knock you down eight pegs without even trying. Without even looking at you. You can’t wait to go on this fucking recon mission, where you can put all of your focus on making sure Peter is doing okay and gathering the intel. Where you can stop thinking about how easily Steve Rogers seems to be pushing you to the side.

You spend the next two days writing your essay, ignoring almost everyone, and working on your essay. On the day of the recon mission, you’re running out the door for your eight a.m lecture, printed essay in hand, and reminding Tony that he promised to pick you up on campus after class for the mission.

You’re lucky that you went, too. You hadn’t counted on the professor making everyone stand up and tell the class the subject of their essays - didn’t realize that it would be twenty-five percent of the grade on the paper. You’ll never understand college professors and the weird shit they do, but the class is informative and entertaining. He goes around the room, starting on the opposite side of you, so you’ll be last. Great.

Several students did their papers on the propaganda of the time, one student was brave and did her essay on the ethical dilemma of the super-soldier serum and eugenics, and most of the other students focused on pop culture and how it changed. When your professor looks at you it’s almost like he’s expecting you to have done nothing but fawn over Steve and Bucky, considering you know them personally. He looks surprised when you clear your throat, stand and say: “I focused on the casual and institutional racism that faced non-white Americans at the time.” You almost preen when he looks impressed and then the shame fills you. It’s just… You want Steve to be proud of you. You want him to congratulate you on going back to school, even if it’s just for one class. You want him to be happy and surprised that he was the inspiration for taking the class.

Though, lately, the class has been more for you than for him. You like learning new things, pushing the boundaries of assignments, making people uncomfortable with the truth of the times you’re studying as told to you by two people who lived it. It’s nice. Normal.

Everyone needs a little bit of normal.

But, honestly, normal is fucking boring. By the time your class is over and you’re handing in your essay it’s like ants are crawling over your skin. A combination of nerves from the upcoming mission, a head full of fog from whatever is happening with Steve, and a little bit of fear at the thought of taking Peter into the field has you bolting for the door the moment your essay is taken from you. You’d worn your tac-suit underneath a pair of baggy sweats and a loose hoodie, so you don’t even bother slowing down as you head toward the car that Tony has waiting for you. He’s in the front seat, grinning at you from underneath his aviators and Peter is driving.

You slip into the backseat without thinking or looking at who’s there, tossing your bag in the back and peeling your hoodie off. “God, Tone, we’re goin’ to die before we even get to the mission with Petey driving.” You toss your hoodie back to join your bag and finally see who’s sitting next to you.

Of course, it’s Steve. He’s looking at you - but not really. He’s looking through you, like he can’t stand that you’re both crammed in the backseat of Tony’s electric car. His gaze catches you and holds you in place. Everything around you goes cold and fuzzy, making you miss Peter’s indignant complaining that he has his license so he should be able to drive… And then Steve scoffs and looks out his window, ignoring you. It stings but you have a job to do. You make some witty retort back to Peter, but it falls flat as you struggle out of your sweats. This is what life is, you think. Relationships aren’t meant to be forever - you learned that at a young age.

Until your accident at fifteen, you had watched your parents run out of helium, their relationship expanding and cooling in arguments, in days spent not talking, in trips to your grandparents without the other, in passive-aggressive computer searches for divorce attorneys left open for anyone to see. Then, after you were trapped between those machines - after you spent hour after agonizing hour with electricity pressing between your atoms, being torn apart and rebuilt as a young god - after that day you watched them expand against each other before the neutron core of their relationship collapsed on itself and the resulting supernova sent you to the streets. But then Fury found you. Then Tony, then Nat, then Steve.

Your parents exploded out from each other and the shockwaves ruined your life. At least now, your relationship with Steve is ending silently. There’s no explosion, no collapse, no rapid expansion to take over your cosmos. Your relationship with Steve is simply approaching the event horizon, where it will hang in the air until one of you takes the final step and you both become frozen, two collapsing objects on opposite sides of the universe. Maybe that’s what you already are. You feel so far away from him in the back of Tony’s car - like he’s eons and light-years away from you - and you feel so cold. Frozen, down to the bone. It makes you stiff in your replies to Tony and Peter, slow on the uptake when the car pulls up to the quinjet, nearing stasis and unable to respond when Nat asks if you’re okay.

Finally, you turn to look at her, nodding. “Fine,” You clear your throat, “Been a rough day.” You do your best to smile at her, but your face feels heavy. Your chest feels cold and tight, making you worry about your performance on the upcoming mission. When Peter shakes his head next to you, discreetly telling Nat not to press, you’re focused on Steve and the electricity humming in the most base part of your body.

He scoffs and rolls his eyes. You turn away and force yourself to smile, throwing a weak and numb arm over Peter’s shoulders. “Are you ready for this, Pete?” You jostle him back and forth, leading him toward the sitting area behind the cockpit. “Gonna get your ass kicked?”

“Please,” He shoves you off, nervously laughing, “Not with the skills you’ve taught me.” He mimics throwing webs, making hissing noises under his breath, and you bark out a laugh, shaking your head.

“You’re payin’ my medical bills when I have to save your ass, Spidey.” You shake your head and strap in next to the wall, Peter taking the seat to your right. Tony, from the aisle across from you, points a thick finger your way.

“You don’t pay medical bills anymore,” He waggles his finger, “So you’ll just have to make him do your homework for a week.”

“Mister Stark!”

“He’ll have to earn shorthand to do your essays,” Nat chimes in from between Bucky and Steve, who are both doing their best to not look at you - or anyone really. “You willing to share that with him?”

You lean back in your seat and jab at Peter with your elbow. “Hell no, so I guess Spider-Boy better do his best.” The arachnid in question grumbles, crossing his arms and slouching in his seat.

“No pressure, right?” He complains, “Not like I’m already nervous or anything.”

“You’ll do fine, kid,” Bucky pipes up, drawing your eyes back to Steve, “It’s goin’ to be a cakewalk.”

“Don’t jinx it, Barnes,” You warn half-heartedly, tucking in on yourself, “We need this to be easy.” From the look on his face - everyone’s face, really - you know that they heard you loud and clear when you were really saying I need this to be easy.

After an uneasy laugh from Bucky, a claustrophobic silence settles over you all as the jet begins to take off. You’re in for an hour ride and plan to spend it going over battle plans with Peter when harsh whispering catches your ear. It’s Bucky and Steve nearly crushing Nat between them until she gets up and sits across from Peter, rolling her eyes. Still, you try your best to run him through the actions you both had planned - the names, the setups you needed to execute them, everything. If something happens to Peter, you’ll never forgive yourself.

And then, cutting through your soft promptings to Peter and his equally soft replies, Bucky’s voice. “Leave it, Steve. Until after this mission.” Even Tony looks up from his tablet, curiosity piqued. Their faces are both red, set hard and angry at each other and your stomach drops. What the hell is going on that Steve ‘Till The End Of The Line Rogers is fighting with Bucky You And Me, Pal Barnes? You must shift, or lean too far into Steve’s eyesight, because for the first time in what feels like years he is looking directly at you - and seeing you, too. It makes your pulse jump and, almost instinctively, you want to reach out and ground yourself on the rubber of the seat underneath you.

You don’t get the chance, though, because Steve speaks. “No, why should I? This is clearly affecting the team.” He’s still looking - glaring - at you like you’ve done something wrong. “What’s the point of waiting? I’ve been waiting to talk about this.”

“Bo, I don’t think this is the time,” Bucky looks over his shoulder at you, then, and you know what’s coming. You know that it’s time, that Steve is about to break up with you in front of your teammates. Your friends. Your family. You steel yourself for the anguish you’re about to feel and then jerk your chin out, hardening your resolve.

“Buck, it’s fine. If Steve wants to address something, he can.”

Natasha says your name, a low warning over the hum of the quinjet. “I think he should wait.”

“Well, I’m not goin’ to wait!” Steve unbuckles himself and stands, “I have tried waiting, and look at where that has gotten me.” He puts his hands on his hips and puffs out a breath. You unbuckle and stand, too, unsure of where this is going. “You need to,” He holds one hand out, pointing at you while his voice shakes. You notice his hand is shaking, too, but fractionally. If you didn’t know Steve as well as you do you may have never noticed it. “You need to get it together.”

“I need to get it together?” You question, eyebrows nearly hitting the ceiling with how fast they shoot up. You’re not totally sure you’ve heard him right because what do you have to get together? The broken shards of your relationship? The information and research for your final paper? The awful way you’ve let yourself be treated for what seems like forever?

“You heard me,” Steve says, at the same time Bucky leans his head back and groans deep in his chest. “What? Someone had to say it.”

“We should wait for this,” Nat speaks up again, but lifelessly. She knows now that you and Steve are both on the warpath, neither of you are going to stop. (That’s also why the two of you work together as a couple so well. Very rarely are you both so worked up about something that you can’t back down, so the other is always there to meet you halfway and get you back to earth.)

“No, no, no,” You say, near hysterically, “No, he wants to do this now? Before a mission? Instead of the fuckin’ weeks we had to hash whatever crawled up his ass and died out? Be my guest. He’s already dragged everyone into this by treating me like a pariah.” You’re not sneering, but your teeth are gritted so tightly together you can hear them scraping and feel a tension headache beginning to bloom in your temples. Bucky looks… Almost incredulous at your statement. Like putting the blame on Steve is a dick move or something.

“Oh, so I’m the bad guy here?” Steve is curling his lip, glaring at you. There’s something behind his eyes, but he’s buried it so deep that you can’t reach it and figure out what it is. “I’m the bad guy, right. Right, right, right.” He scoffs, shakes his head, and then he’s running his fingers through his hair like he really can’t believe what you’re saying to him.

“Well, what else am I supposed to think?” You throw your hands out to the side and let them slap back down on your thighs. “You ignore me, you make me feel like shit, you talk down to me like I’m some insignificant foot soldier. How else am I supposed to take that, Steve?”

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe ask me what’s wrong? Maybe ask me why I’m acting like this, instead of ignoring all of your problems like a child?” He mirrors your moments, but the sound his hands make when they hit the outside of his suit is more powerful than yours. Fueled by anger, you think. Anger and whatever the hell was in the serum Erskine pumped into Steve.

“Ask you?” You repeat, near-hysterical, “Ask you? Oh yeah, let me get right on that. Hey, Mister Rogers? Mister Captain America? Mister Ignores-His-Partner-For-God-Knows-Why? Hey, just why are you doin’ that?” You’re surprised that you’ve said something so snotty, but you don’t back down. (Steve looks surprised, too, and Bucky has stood up next to his friend like he’s about to start berating you as well. At least he looks more cautious about it, like he’s not totally sure that this fight should be happening.)

The more surprising part of your fight is how fast it’s shut down. Tony and Nat stand at the same time and exchange a glance like they’ve surprised each other. “That’s enough,” Tony starts.

Nat cuts him off. “I don’t care if you fight this one out instead of talking, but if you do it before this recon mission you two are going to blow it. Do you understand me?” She looks dangerous, the sharp edge of a knife spiraling through the air. You force yourself to look away from her, from Tony, from Bucky, from Steve. She’s right. You know she’s right - especially on this mission. Peter is there, going to be in real danger even though there’s not supposed to be one Hydra agent in a four-mile radius. You have to clear your mind and focus on protecting him.

Steve seems to think the same thing because he stands down. When you watch him collapse in on himself, Bucky’s arms around his shoulders, into the little quinjet seats your everything aches. Heart, lungs, eyes - everything. Even though you don’t know what’s going on, what could have possibly happened to make your relationship sink this quickly and out of the blue, you still love him. He’s still The One for you. You still want to be the one to comfort him and make him feel whole when he’s struggling.

But you can’t. You can’t and it kills you.

The heat of battle makes a lot of things fade into the background. Important things like why the fuck are there Hydra agents here? and Steve is going to break up with you when you get back on the jet and Tony swore on the fucking limited edition AC/DC vintage tour poster he has in his office that this would be an easy in/easy out information mission. None of that matters, though, because you’re in deep shit. There are seventeen of them, all primed to the teeth with weapons made to take your team down permanently.

You’re practically glued to Peter, calling out commands and plans for him to initiate. It’s when all of your plans fall through that you take a hit from a heavy fist on purpose, hitting the ground hard. “Plan F, Spidey, Plan F!” You cover the instruction with a groan and then you’re back on your feet, working your way toward him.

“Plan F?” Tony says, somewhere above you in his suit. Your comms crackle ominously as another heat-seeking grenade is launched, interfering with the radio waves your tech relies on. You don’t worry about it, because you know Tony is on it. He’s your eyes in the sky.

Peter is the one who answers his question, watching your close hand-to-hand tilt out of your favor briefly. “Plan Fuck It, Mister Stark.” He grunts as he webs up a Hydra agent, jerking him away from where he was about to slip a knife up and under Natasha’s kevlar. You finally drop the guy in front of you, ignoring Steve’s disappointed Language! and toss one of your knives toward Nat for her to use. Tony is still laughing in your ear, wheezing as he drops down and snags the rifle from one of the snipers and then takes back off.

What your little protégé failed to mention about Plan F is that it’s not just chaos, but controlled chaos. You let loose, letting a soft current cover every inch of your skin as Peter switches to his conductive webbing and takes special care to not web any of his allies. Except for you - if you’re in the way and he catches you in a web it doesn’t matter because you’re you, alive with electricity that drops the men that get caught in the web, too. You rip out of the webs and turn the current off when one of your teammates gets too close.

More Hydra agents are pouring out of the woods, topping out their numbers around twenty-five. That’s twenty-five too many in your opinion, especially when you can see Peter getting tired, his anxiety spiking, his moves having more and more hesitation behind them. You need to get this over with quickly, but you don’t have the options to do that. Steve, Bucky, and Nat are really the heavy-hitters - you, Pete, and Tony are the only ones without serums despite all of your individual abilities. Desperately you reach out for a web that’s still connected to Peter’s arms, pulling him out of the way of a baton that’s about to come down on the back of his neck.

The baton the agent is wielding glints in the coming dusk, freezing you as Peter scrambles past you with a quick apology. You’ve seen that before - seen it, felt it, know it like the back of your hand. There’s no way that you could ever forget that weapon. The man stumbles when his hit doesn’t connect but then rights himself and searches for a new target.

A long, black baton that splits into two prongs at the end is heavy in his hand. Electricity crackles between the bulbs at the end, flashing in the setting sun and your memories. The man only has one, but if it was hooked up to a machine, spinning. If there were four, five, six. If you were pinned between them, screaming in the pain as they rewrote your DNA… You’ve only felt it once, but you’ll never forget it.

And now, you’ll taste it again. On purpose this time. The man holding the stun baton is going for Steve’s back - his strong back, the one that protects people, the one that holds the weight of the world, the one that lays in your bed, the one you see whipping out of rooms as you’re entering just so that he doesn’t have to look at you - and you can’t let that happen. It only takes ten amps to kill a regular human, but you know those things are cranked up to twenty minimum. You don’t want to see how many amps of current it will take to stop Steve’s heart. You’re between the baton and Steve before you can think about what you’re doing or what comes next, the hard bulbs settling unyielding into your side and cranking out maximum power for maximum damage as soon as the current is connected and able to flow from one bulb to the other.

The pain hits you and your throat catches on it. It burns through your body, setting everything on fire - your chest hurts as your heart protests the electrons and then your powers kick in, sweeping them into your very atoms and cells. You’re a live wire now, ears humming and body thrumming with power you’ve only dreamed of. It hurts, and it burns, and you feel tears rising in your eyes because you’re back there - back begging for death or for life or for God and god at the same time - but then it’s over. The man sees that you’re not seizing up, not dropping dead in front of him, and he takes three steps back.

It’s not far enough.

You’ve only felt like this once before - right after you were unhooked from the machine that changed your life and brought you to your new family. You remember how you looked when you were put in front of a mirror with all of the pent up electricity circling your body - how your eyes were filled to the brim and dripping with bright and blue electricity, the way it was jumping across your body, how you didn’t need to breathe because your body was fully saturated with pure, unadulterated power. You wonder if you look like that now and assume you do because you can see the bright blue reflecting in the terrified eyes of the Hydra agent.

Your suit, unlike everyone else’s, is not grounded. It’s metal, metal, metal. You’re made to conduct, born for it, and the earth beneath you comes alive with bright white as you release all of the energy, the power, surges down and out. You’re practiced. You can reach out and feel the synapses and neurons of every human being in the clearing, know exactly where your teammates are standing, and know exactly how to target everything but them and the pitiful amount of electricity their brains carry. You grin, something truly feral and unhinged, and you can see the fear in the Hydra agent. Then, you let go.

You know that everyone is going to be pissed. (Maybe not everyone.) You’re not built for this, not made to take down nearly twenty fucking people at once. As you let go, you feel what they feel. The seizing muscles, the stopping of their hearts, the inside of their bodies crisping against their bones. At that moment, that delicious moment, you see the universe.

You become God. You become everything - your mother and your father and God and god and anyone else who’s watching your life from the ether. You become the judge, jury, and executioner of souls that you don’t know from Adam. You become lightning, and thunder, and exposed nerves of the cosmos at the same time. The world bends to your will and you relish in it, taking that power in your fist and wielding it to protect the man you’ll love for the rest of your life and the family that you’ve made. You will stop at nothing to end this, even if it means turning yourself inside out to do it.

You damn near do turn yourself inside out too, but that doesn’t matter, does it? The blood spilling from your ears, nose, and eyes feels like heaven. It’s hot, and thick, and it’s proof of the power that your body holds. You’re a temple and a sanctuary, a war-room and a bunker, a field of flowers and a sun-dry desert. It does not matter if Steve doesn’t love you at that moment, because you are love and hate wrapped into one package. You are everything and nothing, spread thin at the beginning and the end of time.

And then none of that is true. You are just… You. Standing in a clearing, surrounded by twenty-something dead Hydra agents and your terrified, terrified family. It hurts to breathe and you can taste blood in your mouth, but that’s an afterthought. Steve is still standing behind you, but he is alive. That is what matters.

This is what love is, you think.

Pain and pleasure.

Even if he leaves you, you will always love him.

Pain and pleasure.

You’re weak at the knees when he finally turns to see you - and you’re a sight. Struggling to stand, fingertips blackened with soot but not burnt, blood pouring from your nose, ears, eyes… You look like death, but you feel like life. Someone says something behind you - Peter, maybe? Or maybe Tony, in your comms? - but you don’t hear it. Everything tunnels out, your weak knees finally collapsing as you keel backward.

Steve bears down upon you almost immediately. You’re halfway to unconsciousness when he wraps you up in his arms, keeping you from falling in with the pile of bodies around you. He’s saying your name, harsh and soft and then in a voice like he’s ordering you to wake up. You loll about as he drops you down onto a patch of clear grass, hands searching your body for wounds. When he skims over your side, where the baton has burnt through your suit and your flesh, you surge back toward being able to have cohesive thoughts. The pain brings you back, hands wrapping around Steve’s arm and calling out his name. “Steve! Fuck, that hurts!”

“Honey,” He breathes, “Fuck, we have to get you back to the jet.” His jaw ticks, hair dirty and loose from its normal style. “Why’d you do that?” Steve doesn’t wait for an answer from you, ordering Peter to web something up to carry you over your protests.

“I’m fine,” You argue, only slurring slightly, “I feel fine.” But you’re going to let Nat and Bucky load you up on the webbed stretcher anyway because it’s the first time Steve has cared for you in a long time. You want to relish in this moment, the way that he didn't say your name but called you honey.

Well, and because Natasha slides a thumb across her neck over Steve’s shoulder in a silent threat.

You groan when Bucky accidentally grabs your calf where there is an absolutely awful stab wound, but you wave off his apology. “How could you have known?” To be honest, you hadn’t even known it was there until his Vibranium hand was slipping against it and sending shockwaves of pain through you. Peter is next to you the whole time that you’re being carried back to the jet - Tony staying back to begin scanning the bodies of the Hydra agents for the information you need and any other information they may be carrying. The poor kid is nearly at a breakdown, so you reach out to him and shake his arm when his fingers twine with yours. “Chill out, kid, I don’t know how you got it into your head that this is your fault, but it sure isn’t.” He sniffles, but hands back with Steve as Bucky and Nat get you situated in the small medical room of the jet. They transfer you and then make to leave, only Bucky hesitating near the door.

“Stevie’s goin’ to be here soon and… I don’t know what made you do what you did but you have’t explain it to him. He’s bendin’ over backwards to figure it out, and we don’t have’a clue. Came out’a nowhere.” He looks at you for another moment before shaking his head and stepping out of the room. Your head is spinning, partially from what Bucky just said and partially from the pain and stimulus of electricity. You wait there, then, because this is it. This is the event horizon. You wait there, eyes closed, until you hear footsteps approach the med room, and then the door slowly opens. Steve says your name, holding all the finality and weight of an atomic bomb. You don’t open your eyes until he swings a chair next to the stretcher and lays a hand on your calf.

“You don’t have to do this,” You finally say, pushing yourself up onto your elbows to watch him. “I know that you don’t want to.” Steve only scoffs and begins to wash the stab wound using a packet of soap and a water bottle. You say his name twice before he looks at you, something between hate and hurt curdling into a glaze over his eyes that stops you in your tracks.

“Just let me do this. It is the least that you can do.” His words are painful and stilted, like it’s taking force to push them past his teeth. You lay back down and close your eyes, content to just feel the pain of Steve beginning to stitch you up and then dress the wound before you feel the pain of Steve leaving you like you knew he always would. (Falling in love with Steve Rogers went against every instinct you had. You knew that he was going to hurt you from the first moment your lips touched his.)

When he’s done he sits back and puts his elbows on his knees, head in his hands. He heaves a heavy sigh and then shakes it off, “I’ll dress your burn, and then we’ll talk.” And normally, yes, you would agree but this is too important. You want to get it over with so you can lick your wounds metaphorically and dress them literally - and then you want to go home, you want to pack your bags, and you want to disappear and remake your life somewhere else.

Some far-off place where everyone you know won’t take one look at your face and know that you’re still painfully, deeply in love with Steve Rogers, end of your semester be damned. Family you’ve made be damned. You can’t sit around and be in love with him like a neon sign on a dark highway while it’s painfully clear that he hasn’t had a sign on his highway in a long time.

So instead of agreeing, you swing your legs over the stretcher and swallow your flinch when the burn pulls tight. Steve opens his mouth to argue but you give him a tight-lipped shake of your head and his jaw snaps shut. “No,” You say, voice not giving in to the emotion swirling in your chest. “I have let this go on long enough.”

It’s the wrong thing to say because Steve fucking scoffs again and looks away from you. “One day was long enough.” He says, cutting straight to your core. Okay, ouch. You take a deep breath and shake your head to try and bite back the tears that are inevitably rising in your eyes. If one day was long enough for him to realize he doesn’t want to be with you, why did he let it go on for nearly a full year? Why did he spend so long leading you on, pulling you by a thread before garroting your heart with it? What was the point?

“If you want to leave me, just say that,” You reply harshly, standing and wobbling away from him. He just watches you go, watches the way you struggle past the lead weights your muscles have become, the way you’re starting to feel the stab wound on your leg, the way the skin on your burn is beginning to blister and only just now losing its heat. He just watches you, where the Steve that loved you once upon a time might have helped. You turn your back on him, hands on your hips so that you can hide the way that you’re crying and your hands are shaking.

“If I want to leave you? If?” He says. You hear the scrape of his chair as he stands, “I think after what you’ve done, it’s not an if, sweetheart.” The way he says it tastes like iron. Steve never calls you sweetheart like he never calls you by your name. It’s always honey, lover, dovie. You don’t turn to face him because you’re struggling to keep yourself above water. “I spent so long thinkin’, wonderin’, askin’ myself - God damnit, will you look at me?” You turn slowly, not because you’ve never heard Steve speak like that but because his voice is desperate and raw. When you turn, you’re not sure what to expect. Maybe him, standing in front of you, broad-shouldered and disappointed like in those PSA’s he had to film once. Maybe he’d be angry, hands clenched at his sides and eyes narrowed like he gets in meetings when he doesn’t agree with something but he’s out-voted. But you never expect to see him crying, lip wobbling, folded in on himself like a young boy instead of the strong, invincible man you’ve come to love.

He looks so different.

It hits you, then, that you’re not looking at Steve Rogers. Not really. He's not Steve Rogers, not Captain America, not even Captain Rogers. You see him as he was - before America spat it’s untruths all over him and injected him with a serum that changed who he was, is, will be. He’s not the able-bodied man that you know, not strong and unreachable, not the heartthrob that overshadows the team during press events. He’s not America’s Darling, not really. Not where it counts.

You’re looking at Stevie Rogers. Stevie Rogers who, for all intents and purposes, was supposed to die before he made it out of toddlerhood or soon thereafter. Stevie Rogers who the doctors said wasn’t supposed to survive. Stevie Rogers who grew up sickly, rattling painful breaths and never playing ball with the neighborhood boys. Who couldn’t walk until middle school when he got his braces off. Who never had a partner because Bucky, strong and handsome and tall Bucky, was always deemed the better option. Who believed in his country so much that he tried to sneak into the second world war, subjected himself to a painful medical procedure so that he could change his very DNA to be what the world wanted him to be.

Captain Steve Rogers. Captain America. Strong, blond, patriotic, resilient.

You’re sure that if men don’t want to go to therapy now, in the modern age, they certainly didn’t want to go in the ‘40s. So where did that leave Steve, your Steve, standing in front of you and looking small, and broken, and sad, and alone? Did they expect him to take his new, taller, working body and run with it? Did they not think about how he would lose a part of himself in the process? How did they expect him to go from disabled to abled without some disconnect?

You think about the You That You Were Before and the You That You Are Now, and how you lost a part of yourself when the accident gave you your powers and how you’d lose yourself if someone figured out a way to take them away. You Before formed your identity around being normal - living in a shitty home with shitty parents, sure, but normal - and You Now form your identity around your powers, your team, your job, your love. If you lost those things, what did you have left? Who would you be?

When Steve lost his identity and became everything that America wanted everyone to think that America was, what did he have left? Sure, he could tell himself that he represents America - strong and patriotic and just - but it must have conflicted with everything he knew about himself before that. You know that disabled people now know that American society is unjust, unfit for them with abled people not willing to make room to allow them to thrive. You can only imagine what it was really like for Steve in the ‘20s and ‘30s and ‘40s. What he had to do just to survive. (Medical experimentation, you remind yourself. Did they know it wouldn’t kill him? Did they know his body wouldn’t rip itself apart with the new sinewy muscle they were packing on? Did they care? Or was he just a body they saw as broken? A project to fix? To turn him into something more like them and call it patriotism?)

You shake your head at him, still filled with despair, and try to figure out what he’s talking about. “Stevie,” You start, pet name easily replacing what you had been calling him because it’s not fair to shoe-horn him into a body that doesn’t feel like his own. You wonder if he still expects the bone-grinding pain that he used to tell you would happen when it rains. He raises a hand, a strong and family hand, shaking his head.

“I just need to know why I wasn’t enough for you,” Steve looks sad, slouching in on himself like he’s expecting to get his ass handed to him in another alleyway and hope Bucky is there to save him. “I need to know why you wouldn’t just break up with me if you wanted to see other people so badly.” You suck in a shocked breath because, okay, that’s not what you were expecting. Between that and the paradigm shift you’ve had on how Steve must view his identity, body, and self, you’re stunned. Steve continues like he doesn’t even register that you look shocked and pale and now you’re crying because he thinks you’re cheating on him? “And I get it. I get it. You have no idea how much I understand. If I were you, I wouldn’t want me either, okay?”

You cut him off there because what the actual God damn fuck is he talking about? “No, Stevie, I’m not cheating on you.” You shake your head again and this, your statement, lights a fire in him. He still looks like Stevie rather than Steve, but there’s anger there. You imagine that’s what it might have looked like moments before he got himself in trouble back before he was serumed. “I’m not.”

“Oh, yeah?” He challenges, jaw ticking and chin jerking up, “Oh, yeah? You can’t lie to me. I know, okay? The act is up, it’s over, I know, okay? You can stop pretending.”

“Steve, I do not fucking know what you’re talking about but I”m not cheating on you!” You raise your voice, not really angry but more out of necessity. You need to get it out of his head that he is anything less than everything you want - that you could possibly love anyone more than you love him.

“I wanted to clarify something for you,” Steve says like he’s reading an old script from when he was just a beefy, red/white/blue stage prop for the American military, “I am excited to meet with you, but there are some rules. Do not talk about Captain Steve Rogers. I don’t want to hear about him,” As he continues to recite something that has clearly hurt him, you go lax. You know exactly what’s happened - your fists unclench, your jaw drops a little bit, and it feels like someone has gutted you, “I think it is wise to keep work and pleasure separate, and it’s a rule I will enforce heavily. I look forward to seeing you again.” He’s sneering at the end, tears falling down his ruddy cheeks.

“Steve,” You try again, but he cuts you off.

“Am I just work for you?” His voice is shaking more than you thought possible, and so are his hands. You’ve never seen Steve so off-kilter, so thrown, and it breaks your heart that yes, technically, you’re the cause of this. Before this, before this horrible misunderstanding, your relationship with Steve was the paragon of trust so neither of you cared if the other read emails or texts. You remember the email - the email from your fucking college professor - because it had made you so angry that he’d referred to your relationship with Steve as something as simple and base as just pleasure - like you could even put words to the galaxy of a relationship you had with Steve - that you’d gone to the gym to work off some of that irritation. You hadn’t wanted to take it out on anyone accidentally. When you came back from the gym, Steve was gone on that two-week mission that he’d left on without saying goodbye.

Oh, God. You feel sick to your stomach as the paradigm of the way that Steve’s been treating you shifts violently to the left. You have to physically hold yourself up and try to speak past the lump in your throat. Steve looks… Brokenly smug. Like he knows he’s right, but he’d rather gnaw his own legs off than be right.

“No,” You croak, “No, Steve, you’ve got it all wrong.” You want to reach for him, but it feels like the room is closing in on you. You’re second-guessing everything now - especially what you’ve just said. How many people said the exact same thing to him pre-serum because they said something meant for Bucky to him? How many times did he hear that when he was getting a new diagnosis, hoping for the best? How many times had his own mother said it to him when he told her something someone had said, fresh-faced and not yet used to the way that abled people sometimes treated disabled people? You think you might be sick. “That email was from my professor, Steve. I’m not cheating on you, I’d never.” He laughs darkly and sits back down in his chair, head in his hands again. You try to gather the strength to move toward him when you see his shoulders shaking, a telltale sign that he’s crying.

“A professor,” He says with a watery laugh, “Right.”

Finally, you realize that he needs you, needs to know you love him, that you’d do anything for him. You can iron out the kinks later - figure out why he didn’t want to come to talk to you past the original hurt, why he treated you so coldly, why he didn’t trust that you wouldn’t do this to him - but now, you need to show him that you’re here. That you choose him. That you’ll always choose him.

You make your way to him and set a shaking hand on his shoulder. For a brief second you think he’s going to shake you off but then Steve’s hand shoots up and latches onto where your hand is resting, dipping his head to press against your arm. “Stevie, please,” You say, unsure of what you’re asking him to do, “I picked up a class, just one, and it’s… I picked it up for you, it’s about the ‘30s and ‘40s and…” He looks up at you and he looks so broken - face ruddy and wet with tears, lip wobbling, chest heaving as he tries to not sob. His brows are knit and he looks confused, “I just wanted to be able to understand you better. You had to leave so much of yourself at the door when you joined the Avengers, had to leave so much of yourself in the ice… In Erskine’s lab… Stevie, I just wanted you to be able to be you when you’re with me. I wanted to know the you that you were before you became Captain America.” Your voice is shaking, knees knocking together, and honestly? You feel like you might blackout.

“What?” He rasps, “What?”

“He sent that email because too many kids signed up for his class thinking that they’d be able to look at pictures of you and Buck for a semester. Emailed me directly because he knows we’re…” You choke on your words, shaking your head because you’re not even sure there’s a we anymore, “Because he knows I’m on the team. Didn’t want me walking in and making his class about just a few years in the ‘30s and ‘40s rather than the culture of the time.” You don’t know how else to explain it to him, but Steve isn’t saying anything - practically isn’t moving or breathing- so you continue to try and explain what’s really happening as best as you can, “And - and that email made me so angry because he singled me out, didn’t email anyone else about it, and I left to try and work some of that out; I didn’t want to take it out on you, or let it spoil - let it spoil… But when I came back from the gym, you were gone. You were gone for two weeks and I didn’t know why.” You’re crying harder now and pretty sure that within the next sixty seconds you’re going to collapse if you don’t sit down.

Steve shakes his head, still looking like he doesn’t understand. “What?” He says for a third time, “A class? A college class?”

“I just wanted to feel closer to you,” You confess, “Just wanted to understand a fraction of your life without making you do the heavy liftin’ and teachin’ me. Shouldn’t have’t do that,” You’re sobbing, barely biting out your words as you realize that something you’ve done to strengthen your relationship with Steve has destroyed it, “Shouldn’t have to explain a whole different time just to feel loved, Stevie. Should be able to be with someone who understands without you havin’ to explain.” You’re not sure you can say Peggy’s name out loud, and you hope he understands what you’re saying without making you actually say it, “Should’a been able to have love with someone who knew, and I know I’m nothin’ compared to what you should’a had, but I want to be. I want to be in the same ballpark instead’a watchin’ from the stands.” You wipe your face with your free hand and look away from Steve when he stands in front of you. You don’t want to see the look on his face - what he’s thinking about what you’ve said.

He says your name and you glance at him, but his expression stops him in your tracks. Where Steve looked broken and hurt and fuming with anger to hide the anguish, now he looks stricken. You shake your head, “No, no. I didn’t say that to make you feel guilty-”

“You think that I care about whether or not you can understand the ‘40s?” He cuts you off, hands moving to curl around your biceps, “You think that I care whether or not you can relate to a time in history when you weren’t even thought of?”

“Of course I love you. I love you more than anything in this world, but you shouldn’t have to not care, Steve,” You argue, shaking your head, “That’s what I’m trying to say. You should be with someone who understands without explanation. I just wanted to give that to you - didn’t know that this would happen.”

“I should be with someone who loves me,” He argues back, “If you love me, that’s all that matters. My past be damned.”

“But your past is you!” You try to pull away from Steve, but he anchors you there. You’re dizzy from being so close to him after this long, but also because of how many different twists this situation has taken. You can barely keep up with how bad your communication with Steve has become - barely keep up with how you need to fix it, or how to fix it. “Your past is you,” You repeat when you realize that Steve isn’t going to let you go. “And you shouldn’t have to give that up so that someone will love you.”

“But you love me,” He says desperately, ducking his head so that he’s nearly nose to nose with you, “You love me, right?”

“More than anything,” You say, closing your eyes and relishing in the feeling of being so close to Steve, “I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone. I don’t care about what anyone else thinks, or anyone else. I’ll even stop goin’ to class if you want me to - Steve, I just can’t do this anymore. Can’t do this thing where you don’t talk to me about what’s botherin’ you.” You’re choking up, barely whispering, but you know he hears you. YOu can feel his warm breath on your face, “Nearly fuckin’ killed me.”

“I thought it was goin’ to be easier,” He breathes, nose bumping yours, “When you eventually decided to leave me for him. Thought I was savin’ myself some trouble.” You can practically taste his tears as they fall again, “Buck and Nat tried to tell me that you weren’t - that you wouldn’t - but I just couldn’t believe them.”

When you open your eyes, his are closed. This close to him you can see the soft freckles that are blooming over his eyelids, his soft eyelashes kissing his cheekbones. You can feel him breathing, feel him nearly pressed against you in a way that feels hauntingly nostalgic and terrifyingly fleeting; like you’ll be able to feel his warmth for years to come, but he’s about to disappear. “That’s okay,” You finally whisper, “It’s okay that you didn’t believe them. That you thought what you thought. It’s okay.” He shakes his head against yours, opening his mouth to protest, but you refuse to let him feel guilty about feeling this way - you have plenty of time to sit him down and talk to him candidly about the way he acted because of these feelings, anyway. “If I would have been in your place I’m not sure I would have believed them.”

“I treated you so badly…” He shifts and wraps his arms around you. It’s almost immediate - you relax into his arms and wind yours around his waist, keeping him pulled against you as he presses his face into your neck and you press your cheek against his chest. “So awfully.”

“We’ll talk about that, okay? But later. Right now you just need to know that I love you, Steve. I love you more than I can tell you - more than I can express.” You want to kiss him, but you can’t. Can’t kiss him, you need to wait for him to kiss you, for him to close that gap and show you that he still loves you like you love him. “We’ll have to have a talk, a long and hard conversation about this, Stevie, but for now… For now, I’m just content to be with you, okay? MIssed you so much.”

He sighs, nose pressing against yours again. “Missed you too, dovie. Missed you more than I can even say,” His voice breaks as his lips brush yours. Your relationship is not without its flaws and problems - Steve’s actions when he thought you were cheating on him are proof of that and, well, the fact that you didn’t realize what was happening, why it was happening, or a large part of your boyfriend’s psychological makeup having an impact on your relationship while it went unknown by you… There is a lot of work for the two of you to do, a lot of work to do, a lot of communication to be done… But you’d do it all for Steve, over and over again.

When he presses forward and presses his lips gently to yours, you know that he’ll do it all for you, over and over again, too.

#steve rogers imagine #steve rogers/reader #steve rogers x reader #marvel imagine #mcu imagine

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