#fibre sensible

[heestoleurgirl]

sim jaeyun 𝜗𝜚⋆₊˚

₍ᐢ. .ᐢ₎ in which riki broke up with you, leaving you devastated and depressed. that is, until you get drunk on a night out, and somehow find yourself in his best friend's bed.

genre: angst, smut (pwp) pairing: ex's best friend!jake x fem!reader warnings: smut, MDNI!! wc: 5k

A/N: why am i writing jake smut, im not even jake biased

masterlist 𖤐.ᐟ

21 days. 21 days since your boyfriend, riki, broke up with you. everyone said it would get easier to deal with over time, and you knew they were right, but you still felt like shit every hour of every single day.

anywhere you looked, you'd just get reminded of him and have flashes of unwanted memories in your mind. it felt like absolute torture. yes, this had been your first serious relationship and you loved him so much, of course you were upset (to say the least).

the worst part was that you still saw him every now and then on campus, which only made your heart ache more. especially when he happened to be around his girl friends. you knew it was just irrational jealousy but that didn't stop you from getting nauseous at the sight.

જ⁀➴ more under the cut!

one thing was for certain: you couldn't keep going like this, you were extremely exhausted from feeling so miserable 24/7. crying all the time was getting old, and rotting in bed forever didn't seem like a good long term solution. so, you had a totally mature and genius idea that would definitely not make things worse in any way. there was a house party being hosted by someone you knew, it would be the perfect place to get drunk and forget about your ex. even if it's just for one night.

your friends had already been nagging you to go, knowing your current state and how you barely left your house unless it was absolutely necessary. they were worried for you and missed your radiant aura. minhee was convinced she'd find you a hot guy that would help you move on. yeah, you knew that wouldn't work as simple as that, it wasn't easy to simply forget someone you loved with your whole heart and dated for quite a while. but at least you could give it a try, right?

♡

fast forward to friday, you sat on the carpet in front of the body length mirror in your room, attempting to do your makeup. truth be told, it's been a while since you made yourself look so glamorous, which made it all the more difficult to get ready. every fibre of your being was screaming at you to just stay home and cry yourself to sleep while watching rom coms. but you pushed through, forcing yourself to stay on track with your plans and also not let down your friends who were there for you.

the faint sound of a honk broke you out of your thoughts, causing you to grab your belongings and waddle down the stairs in a dress that was shorter than you were comfortable with. your friend karina had gotten it for you a while ago, and you felt bad for never wearing it since then.

"looking good y/nnie!" minhee smirked and jokingly whistled as you managed to navigate yourself in to the passenger seat of her car.

all you could do was roll your eyes and playfully nudge her shoulder. "shut up"

she wiggled her brows in response before shifting gears and taking off to pick the other girls up too. you'd be lying if you said you weren't nervous about tonight, and feeling some form of regret. you could only pray and hope that riki wouldn't be there, or you'd definitely drown yourself in the pool without a second thought.

following your excited and chatty friends up the stairs felt strangely like walking towards your impending doom. you stuck close to minhee, who unsurprisingly immediately made her way to the drinks. not like you minded, because there was no way you were surviving this night without any alcohol.

the unknown mix of drinks burned your throat as you swallowed it, not really bothering to be sensible. before you knew it, you were on the dance floor with your friends, laughing and singing along to the songs blasting from the speakers. even if it was due to the alcohol, finally having a smile on your face was really refreshing. karina seemed to notice, who flashed you a grin and tugged you closer as the two of you were dancing like there was no tomorrow.

as the night went on, you gradually lost yourself to the alcohol that was now buzzing in your veins. you didn't feel like yourself at all, but in the best way possible. anyone would be able to tell that you were completely out of it by now.

you had no idea where your friends had disappeared off to, and somehow you found yourself not caring. while you were busy pushing past people with no particular destination in mind, you accidentally bumped into someone.

"woopsies, silly me!" you giggled drunkenly, looking up to see who it was. your heart did a backflip when you managed to recognize the face staring back at you.

"no worries darling." you knew that aussie accent way too well. standing right in front of you was jake, riki's best friend. honestly you were just relieved that it wasn't riki himself.

"oh, hi jake." you stumbled a bit and grabbed onto his arm for support. he merely looked down at you in amusement, finding the blush on your cheek quite cute. his eyebrow shot up subtly, eyeing the revealing dress that was definitely out of chatacter for you. despite that, you looked undeniably gorgeous like always.

jake's hand moved to your waist casually, acting as a stabilizer so you wouldn't fall over. normally, you would've felt awkward in a situation like this, but now you weren't even phased.

"you look like you've had one too many drinks, hm?" he leaned closer to speak, so you'd hear him over the loud music. your hands instinctively tightened around his arm.

"i-i'm fine..." you mumbled stubbornly, even though it was obvious you were close to collapsing right there on the spot.

"are you here alone? where are your friends?" if you were sober, you definitely wouldn't have missed the slight concern laced with his voice.

"uhmm... i dunno!" you grinned sheepishly at him, still pressed against his arm. "i think they ditched me"

you had no idea when or how you lost them, so his guess was as good as yours. "i was just about to leave anyway. can't leave a pretty thing like you drunk and alone"

before you knew it, jake was dragging you out of the party along with him. you weren't exactly sure what was going on, but even in your state you knew that you trusted him. after all, he was your ex's best friend, you'd known him for a while.

♡

jake guided you into his bedroom, sitting you down on his bed and looking down at you, as if contemplating something. now that you were actually here, in his apartment, he wasn't sure if this was the right decision. but what else could he do, leave you at the party when you were completely shitfaced? absolutely not.

he kneeled down in front of you and carefully took one of your legs in his hand, removing your heel with the upmost precision. the other one was discarded too, letting your feet feel relieved from being squished together all night.

you were quiet now, past your drunken giggling and just zoning out, having no clue where you were. he almost laughed at the sight. he'd never seen you so vulnerable and adorable.

"stay here, i'll bring you some water" he stood up and disappeared into the bathroom for a few minutes. true to his words, he returned with the water in one hand, and a pill in the other.

you watched with glossy eyes as he sat down next to you and gently guided the glass to your lips. you obeyed, feeling refreshed by the cold liquid. he gave you the pill next, urging you to swallow it. "this will make your headache more bearable tomorrow"

a quiet hum left your lips as you followed his instructions, then set the glass aside on his nightstand. your movements were still uncoordinated and messy, making him chuckle.

"you tired, pretty?" jake examined your droopy eyes, you looked so cute he had to hold himself back from smothering you in affection.

the first time jake saw you, he had felt starstruck. if he could go back in time, he definitely wouldn't have fumbled you so bad. he was a coward, he waited too long and suddenly you were dating his best friend. despite all his attempts to get rid of his attraction towards you, nothing seemed to work in his favour. you were quite literally the only girl he couldn't have, and ironically enough also the only one he wanted. but of course, he was respectful of your relationship with riki and was good at hiding his feelings towards you, he'd never let his jealousy be the reason he fell out with his best friend.

so here you were, sitting in his bed, drunk off your ass and it wouldn't take a genius to figure out why you'd drink so much. he wasn't sure how riki would react if he knew the situation he was in right now. he chose to push that thought aside and focus on you.

when you didn't answer his question, he spoke again, "you can sleep in my clothes, yeah?"

you nodded and stood up, letting him help you make your way to the bathroom. As he was closing the door, he added one more thing. "if you need any help, just shout for me."

it was quite difficult to get your dress off, but you managed somehow. all your limbs felt weak and heavy, and you were still disoriented, though you were able to change without falling over or breaking anything. jake's shirt swallowed your small frame comfortably, and you smiled faintly at the smell of his cologne lingering on the fabric. your mind was a jumbled mess of feelings as you returned, seeing him scrolling his phone, also in a more comfortable set of clothes.

he looked up and smirked at you, his eyes shamelessly travelling down your body as he took in the sight of you. to him, you'd never looked hotter. the combination of your messy hair and his shirt stopping by your mid-thighs was enough to make his head spin. he had to remind himself that you were drunk, and no matter how badly he wanted you he couldn't take advantage of you in this state.

seeing him pat a spot on the bed, you didn't need much convincing to climb under the covers and rest your head on a pillow. once again, you were welcomed with his scent, causing you to feel strangely comforted.

jake stood up and gave you one last look, making sure you were laid on your side so you wouldn't accidentally hurt yourself by choking on your tongue.

"where are you going?" you asked tiredly, opening your eyes to see him by the door of his bedroom.

"i'm sleeping on the couch." he raised a brow, surprised to see you sit up in the bed after just getting comfortable. your next words made him wonder if he was hallucinating.

"come back, i don't want to be alone"

your quiet, pleading voice was simply impossible to resist. how could he say no, when you were looking at him with literal puppy eyes? he sighed, and following a moment of hesitation he climbed into bed next to you. it's not like he didn't want to sleep next to you, god he would give anything to experience this. but he wasn't sure how long he could control himself when you were in his bed, looking like an angel.

for a few minutes, the room was filled with heavy silence as the two of you simply stared at each other. you admired his face, the dim lighting only adding to the tension slowly filling the air. you'd never really noticed just how pretty he was before. his round, brown eyes seemed so welcoming.

"jake..." you almost whispered his name, with nothing specific in mind. you just wanted to end the silence between you, it felt too tense.

"hm?" his eyes never left yours, studying your face as if you were the most interesting thing in the world. the longer you looked at him, the more your heart seemed to race.

"i... i don't know"

"what's wrong?" jake studied your glossy eyes, wondering why you were suddenly acting so emotional. his heart clenched at the sight of you nearly crying. he longed to pull you close and kiss you until you were smiling again.

"i don't know, i just..." you struggled to find words to express how you felt, especially with the alcohol still lingering in your system. there was so much you wanted to say, but you knew better than to break down in his bed when he'd been kind enough to bring you home with him safely. "...i don't wanna be alone. i hate the silence, i hate feeling everything and nothing at the same time i-"

suddenly you felt his finger wiping a stray tear from your cheek, one you haven't even noticed falling. there it was, that familiar heavy feeling in your heart. the one you were so sick of feeling, all you wanted was for it to go away.

you didn't really think before scooting over and hugging jake's larger frame. your face was buried in his neck, a good way to hide your tears as well as your embarrassment. his warmth felt intoxicating and you clutched his shirt like you were afraid he'd disappear.

jake didn't hesitate to welcome your hug and return it, he was more than happy to be your shoulder to cry on. seeing you in such a state made him realize just how emotionally drained you'd been since the breakup happened, he silently cursed riki for not taking care of you properly.

you felt like this was the first time someone had properly hugged you in weeks, which didn't help the overflowing emotions you were already experiencing. you clinged to him as if he was your lifeline, your only hope. there was no way you could explain the way his entire presence and embrace was more comforting than anything you'd felt in a while.

maybe you were delusional, but being in his arms like this made you feel all the more attracted to him. letting your guard down was something you rarely ever did, even with your most trusted friends. yet here you were, silently crying in jake's bed and confessing how lonely you felt as of late. it felt so intimate to be vulnerable around him.

"it's okay, you're not alone. i'm here, yeah?" he murmured against your hair, rubbing your back gently in an attempt to calm you down. if he wasn't paying attention, he would've missed the subtle nod of your head.

"i'm sorry. please don't leave." you whispered, sliding your hands under his shirt to feel the bare skin of his back that was practically radiating heat.

your touch caught him off guard and he almost hissed at the contact, his arms tightened around your waist. "i'm not going anywhere darling, and you have nothing to be sorry for. you've been through a lot and you just need some love"

yeah, you did need love. you felt guilty, a part of you still yearned for it to be riki who gave you the love you wanted so badly. but he was gone now, no matter how much you cried over it the past won't change. the more rational part of your brain was constantly urging you to move on and accept the fact that riki doesn't love you anymore. you swore the mixed emotions were going to drive you insane, if they haven't already.

but right now, even if it wasn't what you wanted, jake was what you needed. if only you knew the true extent of how much he cared for you.

jake's hands paused against your back when he felt the soft press of your lips against his neck. it surprised him so much that he couldn't help but wonder if he was imagining things. but no, he felt it yet again. "fuck, angel... don't do that" he struggled to speak properly.

"why not?" you pulled away a bit to examine his face, searching for signs of any discomfort, or maybe disgust. you just wanted to shower him in affection to show him how grateful you felt to be here with him right now. to be able to sleep in his bed and cry in his arms to your heart's extent.

he wasn't sure how to explain the reason he didn't want you to kiss him right now, and you were completely oblivious to his internal struggle.

"you're still tipsy, and emotional..." jake brushed a strand of hair away from your cheek, "i'm not going to take advantage of your state." he was being so sweet to you, it was almost annoying. yes, you were still not entirely sober but you couldn't deny the overwhelming urge to be... close to him.

so instead of replying, you leaned closer and pecked his cheek, causing jake to groan aloud. how could he possibly restrain himself when the girl he was whipped for was acting like this? he cupped your jaw with one hand and pulled your face closer, placing his lips onto yours with one swift motion.

your eyes fluttered shut and you kissed back as if you had done this a million times before. it felt so natural, and you were becoming lightheaded from how perfectly your lips felt against each other. previously you'd been worried that kissing someone would feel wrong, and you thought you'd imagine you were kissing riki instead, but right now there wasn't a single thought about him in your mind. all you could focus on was how good it was.

jake felt like he was losing his mind more every second he continued to kiss you. he didn't care how needy he might be coming off, cause fuck he'd wanted to this for months. never in a million years did he anticipate it would actually happen, in this context no less.

the kiss grew more heated as you moved your hands from his back to feel up his defined abs, relishing how supple and warm his skin was. at the same time, jake had a hand cupping your cheek, while the other one slid down to your waist, dipping under the shirt you were wearing. the feeling of your bare skin under his fingertips was absolutely euphoric. safe to say, neither of you were thinking about how right or wrong this might be at the moment. all your thoughts were out the window and you were entirely immersed in his company.

he didn't hesitate for a second when he realized you were tugging at the hem of his shirt, silently demanding its removal. the t-shirt was tossed aside, landing somewhere on the floor of his bedroom. your eyes widened as you were met with the sight of his bare upper body, you had to hold yourself back from practically drooling at the view. jake noticed your lustful gaze and couldn't help but smirk to himself. he pulled you closer and kissed you briefly before whispering in your ear lowly, "your turn."

he didn't leave you time to respond, tugging your shirt over your head. the action made you blush a bit, but you lifted your arms to help him remove the item of clothing. faint goosebumps littered your skin due to the sudden loss of heat, mixed with the tension in the air.

your hands landed on his chest, you took a moment to look into his eyes before inching closer and placing your lips on his for the nth time. the passion was halted for a moment, leaving room for the kiss to be more timid and soft. it didn't last for long though, soon enough it turned needy once again.

jake sat up without warning and pulled you into his lap snugly by your waist. your legs landed on either side of his thighs as you made yourself comfortable and wrapped your arms around his neck. his half lidded eyes and lazy grin made your heart skip a beat. for a second you felt stunned, an overwhelming sense of need filled you. he didn't miss the way your gaze travelled down his bare body once again, it sent a strange kind of satisfaction through him.

his lips found their way down from your jaw to your neck, peppering it with soft kisses. a quiet groan left his throat as you thread your fingers through his dark brown hair. the playful kisses turned into gentle nips and bites, jake couldn't resist leaving a few pretty marks along your porcelain skin.

your hushed gasp was a contrast to the mostly quiet atmosphere as his hands had somehow ended up squeezing your backside. the action caused you to arch your back instinctively, making you grind against him.

"fuck." he whispered, gently guiding your hips in his lap. the slight friction was intoxicating.

"jake..." his name left your mouth in a quiet whisper as you leaned your forehead on his shoulder, letting your urges get the best of you.

"i know, baby" his hands slid lower to caress your inner thighs tenderly. he tried not to moan as his hips pushed upward involuntary, amplifying the friction between you, while his boxers were becoming increasingly tight as his arousal strained against the fabric.

your lips found his once more, you were getting more desperate by the second and your mind was consumed purely with need for him. the material of his sweatpants felt soft under your fingers as you tugged subtly.

jake's breath hitched and his resolve crumbled almost immediately. he was a gone man, there was no going back now. breaking the kiss and muttering a quiet curse, he shoved his sweats and boxers down his hips in one swift motion. the rest was kicked off carelessly, leaving him completely bare under you. his hard length stood heavy against his stomach, flushed and leaking.

the sight made you want to faint on the spot, you had been so caught up chasing your lust and now it all felt real. you were still hovering on your knees, having lifted your hips to let him remove his remaining clothes.

but jake didn't plan on waiting around while you admired his erection, in a quick motion he flipped you over, pushing you against the pillows as he hovered above you. the view he had right now was almost enough to make him cum on the spot: you laid beneath him, sprawled out with messy hair and slightly swollen lips. not to mention some red marks he's left on your neck earlier (they definitely weren't the last either).

"you're so gorgeous, it's unfair."

before you knew it, he was kissing your shoulder, distracting you from the way his hand slid under your lacy panties. the gasp that left your lips was enough to let him know that you were surprised to feel his finger trail along your folds. god you were so wet he groaned out loud, opting to suck on your neck to keep himself quiet.

your arms darted to wrap around his neck once more as you felt him slide a finger into you. a broken moan left your lips, you bucked your hips into his hand, wanting to feel more of him.

"fuck, pretty, you're soaked" he murmured, his voice somewhat strained as he held himself back from shoving himself in fully and fucking you until you passed out.

"jake-" you couldn't speak properly even if you tried, especially not when another finger was pushed into you with ease. it was completely out of your control how your walls clenched around his diligently working fingers. "please..."

he could tell you were growing impatient and he knew exactly what you were asking for. as much as he longed to tease you and make you squirm under him as much as possible, his own arousal was consuming him whole.

after a few more pumps of his fingers, he pulled them out, earning a quiet whimper from you. he couldn't hold back a smirk, there was nothing that turned him on more than seeing you all desperate and needy for him, like you'd die if he didn't fill you up immediately. jake was pretty sure he'd never been as hard as he was right now in his entire life.

your panties were practically ripped off, not that you minded because that was the least of your concerns at the moment. you were completely focused on how jake grabbed your thighs and nudged them apart to position himself at your entrance.

he rubbed his tip against your aching clit, coating himself in your wetness and teasing you at the same time. "is this what you need doll? want me to fill you up?" he asked, his voice was low and laced with desire even with the obvious rhetorical question. he nudged inside, not giving you the full length yet as he moved his hands all over your body.

"yes! please jake, i need you" you whined shamelessly in response, tugging him closer with your hands on his back. there was no room for embarrassment, especially when you knew how much he was getting off from your begging.

he grunted in satisfaction at your response, pushing inside slowly until his hips pressed against yours. your gummy walls were tight and inviting, sucking him in with no effort. if jake thought he was close to losing it completely earlier, he was not ready for this moment. his entire body was tingling, senses heightened yet his brain completely gone, unable to form coherent thoughts.

"so good for me, i knew you could take it" he soothed your faint whimpers with a kiss on your forehead.

your eyes were glossy from the immense pleasure you felt with him just being buried to the hilt. the stretch was perfect, he filled you up perfectly without causing any pain.

after a moment of panting and moans, jake started to rock his hips, thrusting into you slowly. he wasn't sure how long he'd last with you being so perfect for him in every way.

"holy fuck..." he closed his eyes for a moment, desperate to keep himself together in favour of your pleasure and comfort. your soft moans and gasps didn't help his case one bit.

you couldn't stay quiet even if you tried, he was bringing you so much euphoria you swore you would explode. your legs instinctively wrapped around his waist as he sped up his movements, pushing as deep as possible. "fuck, jake..."

"so vocal for me" he hummed against your ear, his breath tickling your skin and giving you goosebumps yet again, only heightening the growing pleasure. as he continued to thrust into you, his hand left your waist to grap one or your hands and hold it down against the mattress, fingers intertwining naturally.

a sudden pain shot through his body in result of your nails digging into the skin of his back, altering between scratching and holding on. but the feeling only turned him on more, urging him to pound into you even faster.

"you're doing so well angel, shit" jake knew he wouldn't last much longer, so he was very relieved to feel you squirm and clench around his dick.

"it's so much..." you muttered between moans, your senses were flooded and overwhelmed by now. you swore you could see stars every time you felt his tip push against your cervix, his movements were painfully precise. "i'm close, jake"

you calling his name out so sweetly was music to his ears. he kissed your cheek and spoke in a strained voice yet again, "me too, you gonna come for me princess? hm?"

it was a miracle that you even lasted this long, your adamant nods were only seconds prior to you clamping down on him hard. a mix of a moan and grunt was heard from jake as he let go of your hand to wrap his arms around your waist instead.

with a few more sloppy thrusts, his climax was just behind yours. his hair was tugged and you squeezed your legs tightly as his hips jerked. you were filled up by ropes of his thick seed, making your eyes roll back from the pleasure completely and moan his name like a prayer.

both your bodies were moulded against each other, only disrupted occasionally with your light squirms. jake stroked your hair gently, holding onto you like he was afraid you would disappear. after a few peaceful moments, he carefully pulled out and grabbed a clean tissue to help you clean up.

once you were both under the cover again, he didn't waste any time to pull you against his chest. "i'm here, i won't leave." he whispered sweet reassurances to you, caressing any part of you he could reach. you practically melted into his arms completely, his presence was beyond comforting for your exhausted self.

you muttered against his warm skin quietly, "thank you"

"for what?" he smiled sweetly, even though you couldn't see his face. here you were, thanking him when you had been the one to give him the best experience he could ever ask for.

"taking care of me."

"i would never neglect my baby."

his words were enough to paint a soft smile onto your tired face. it didn't take long for you to drift into a peaceful sleep, especially when you were cuddled up to him so snugly. jake's heart swelled at how cute you looked in his arms. he couldn't ask for more, all he'd wanted was to take care of you and he finally got the chance, he wasn't going to hesitate or be a coward with you ever again.

a/n: so. i just wanted to try out writing smut but this is gonna be my first and last time because WTFF IS THIS LMAO

i'm sticking to smaus i can't write for the life of me

songs for this fic:

tags:@vivimura@s1rawb3rry@who-tf-soddhi@laurradoesloveu@p1hbrook@hoonielvv@nodoubtily@enhamonsterghoul@heebambilee@en-chantedtomeetyou@hsbae@jellyluv4eva@vivissection@beigerin@jwywife@elairah@heekilrvs@jayjw16enxp@lakoya@ijustreallylike2read@annovaz@strawberrynull@abbyeey@celestiai0@enhalxvr@llearlert@raizennloll@rizzmura@sabriochee@sol3chu@fluveriiez@kitty-won07@sucrosxi@kukkurookkoo@mimisxs@darquette@hhyvsstuff@lovelydeliciousfestival@luciathcv@bigwforjay@pshfan0812@lov4hoon@jaerisdiction@kireiinahana@abzyissupersleepy@madslove-enhypen@b3tt7boop@dodot04lover@ki2rins@sugarikiz ( ◡̀_◡́)ᕤ

[sweet-as-an-angel]

Virgin! Simon "Ghost" Riley

Warnings: 18+, Smut, Inexperienced! Simon, Virgin! Simon, Riding, Unprotected Sex, The Mask Stays On, No Pronouns Used For Reader Except 'You'.

Virgin! Simon who can hardly believe his luck as he watches and feels you ride him, your walls tight as you bounce on his cock, calling him your 'big guy'. His hands are on your hips, his own slamming up into yours in a rhythm you'd set for him.

He's sloppy. Unaccustomed to the euphoric stiffening of the knot in his stomach, pulling ever tighter with every slap of your ass against his thighs. Sure, he's had many an orgasm before, but never at the hands of another. Never so strong; a force of nature in its own right. He's breathing heavily - panting; you swear you can see him drooling from the corner of his mouth. Something viscous is filling you now. Not the full force of his seed, but a precursor to it. A warning.

The mask stays on (of course) during this exchange, but you can see the way he fights to keep his eyes open, to keep himself from betraying every sensibility and throwing his head back, screwing his eyes shut as his length is nestled inside you, a thick bump forming in your stomach with every thrust. Your hand slips down your front and you press it. Simon jolts, moaning between gritted teeth as you press, hard, harder still, forcing his cock into an even tighter position.

He's arching into you, the sensation of his veins and his bulbous tip throbbing against your insides enough to let you know that he's close.

You coax him. Goad him. "Y'gonna cum just for me, big boy? Gonna fuck me 'til I can't walk straight?"

He can't talk. Can't even think. For the first time in his life, he's fucked dumb. You can see it in the way his eyes roll back into his skull when you clench around him. Suffocate him. His hips stutter. His cock nudges something deep within you. You gasp.

It only took your calling him your "Good boy," to have him unravel before your eyes. He can't contain the strangled growl that is exorcised from him as he cums, deep and hard, thick, hot ropes of semen filling you. You can feel it, as if painting your insides white, bathing you in an unfettered warmth. His hands are cast-iron on your hips, pulling you down onto him as if to stop you from pulling away, to prevent even a drop of his seed from escaping you. He digs his heels into the bench beneath you, grounding himself.

And, as your orgasm sparks and ripples through you, you hunch over Simon, hands gripping his shoulders, squeezing him. You moan, long and loud, milking Simon for all he's worth. And now, between the sheets of his post-orgasm haze, he watches you, the ring of light above your head from the luminescent bulb of the changing room painting you as a saint in his eyes.

He's never going to let what you have - what you've shown him - go. No matter the cost. Not when this feeling of completion is steadfast within him, electrifying every fibre in his body, all the way down to his bones.

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[urspiritualnurse]

Pick a card. (Left to right)

What do I see when I orbit around your soul?

Pile 1.

Predominantly shapeless souls, sometimes harvest itself into a form that it's beholder deeply lacks, wants, yearns, desires or the opposite, fears.

I see that yours has mimicked a root.

Why has it shaped itself to that, what desires or what subconscious motive caused it is something you will naturally realize at your own pace and timing.

I see the repeated number 9s in the cards, and in this case I perceive that number as a blockage, a mid stop, a constantly frequenting incompletion, just when you believe you are about to reach the complete numeral 10, it restarts back to 1, and so begins the continuous sishyphean cycle.

If you picture a root digging in the soil and entangling itself to every fibre and grain of it, that imagery is usually delicate, gentle, soothingly heartwarming .

But in your cards, the picture I visualize is rather hostile , as if every string of that root has claws, shredding each grains, piercing through any and every vitality of the land to dig itself down, so fiercely and so passionately, as if it's life depends on it.

With no end goal, destination in mind, that it is aware of, it just absentmindedly keeps on digging.

I see you going from people to people, community to community, anywhere and everywhere, with your roots clawing on every connections you have had, with a pure intentions to find solace but your desperate and devoid roots knows no other way to plead firmness, and stability except digging furiously onto everyone and everything.

Do you find yourself to be an uncomfortable being to be and be around?

Has your soul crossed you out from being its land where it can simply ground itself?

Has it found other candidates instead to have them fulfill your role?

Do you have someone that you feel is the epitome of comfort?

Ask yourself, when I'm nearing their existence, my soul's form which I have no awareness about, how is it approaching and interacting with them?

Your soul is wandering sad and desperate to feel a sense of connection to a land that it can call its own, why are you uncomfortable to your ownself? That is for you to unpack and unravel.

What can you do to call your beloved vital essence back to yourself?

Start by asking, "why do you make your soul uncomfortable ?"

( your vital roots will inadvertently be claws to the lands, that isn't yours to dig.)

Pile 2.

Anger is an advocate of those too timid to speak.

But if anger is unsupervised, unguided, unguarded, it denotes to the onlookers, that it is only a mere tantrum with loud speakers on, consisting the blend of generous vulgarity and crude language.

I see, in this pile humiliation has been the main force behind reasonable outbursts of anger.

Was there a crowd who laughed when you would scrunch your expression in fury? Was there a community that mocked your anger's sensibility and intelligence?

From this reading, an image of a canine species comes to my mind, whose fangs represents your justified anger, yet I see those fangs growing so tall and untamably beyond the line of normalcy, that it pierces through the specie's snout, making it unable to voice out the core reasons in sensible, coherent language and speech.

Your anger, (and I keep wanting to reassure you) is justifiable, valid.

Yet it has reached to a point of such humiliation, and provokery from the flocks of lunatics around you who are too insensible and too uncompassionate themselves to ever see past your fury.

That your anger has surpassed its own ability to communicate.

It has lost the language it is meant to use for efficient self expression that causes no harm to you and others and also the reality around.

Have you heard the term "blacking out", your anger goes through that quite a lot.

Don't be too hard on yourself, or your burning anger, for that is the only warmth that is loud for you to notice , that is emanating from within you, not others.

A warmth that says, "I care."

Do what you must, after reading this pile.

But my utmost suggestion would be, communicating with your anger.

Ask it, who is it angry at? What did they do? What did they caused?

Nomatter who the culprit behind it is, whether your ownself or others.

Just notice how the anger responds to your question.

Does it howl incoherent language?

Does it throw things around and punishes inanimate objects, walls with your

knuckles?

Or does it speak.....

In a language that only those who are truly listening can understand.

(Insensibility towards a disheartened child, is what leads to a tantrum.)

Pile 3.

Do you know in this whole play of existence, we all expect certain things from the earth that we reside in.

And if we were to put all those collective desires in a single piece of paper, one would notice a common thing from each anonymous man's written desires.

Luminosity.

Every living being with a thrifty sense of individuality, somehow always seem to find anything luminous, desirable.

Or maybe, it's just that, what you want always seems to shine.

Whether it's love, promotion, prosperity, good health, vacation, etc.

I see in this pile, the luminosity you desire is of riches and the freedom that it comes with.

And when I speak of freedom, you must know how grand and multi dimensional it is.

The freedom riches gives, the freedom love gives, the freedom good health gives, etc, are all different yet they all are indeed a valid face of the multifaceted term, freedom.

I see you, having almost a professional outlook and interactions with the world, the earth.

I can almost hear you speak to it, " You are letting me live here, I will pay you back for your service by not throwing litters around, donating to charity that cleans your vast back, agreeing on plastic bans, etc"

In all of those chat you hold with the earth, in your subconscious mind room.

You represent formality and such alienating disconnection, that your inner sense of disbelief towards anything that promotes unity is reasonable.

What you want from this world is a luminosity build by luxury.

No shame, no bringing forth discussions about compassion here because the synonym of riches doesn't mean cruelty, for me to ever dictate you of how you should be and must pursue.

Do you ever feel like escaping your office and the very building you work on?

Somedays the formality eats you up and chews your mental agility and spiritual resilience, so much so you just wish to be at home, playing with your autistic and unspeaking cat.

You can do that.

You can call off the work.

You can reach out to the elevator and press the ground floor that takes you to the parking lot, there will be your car waiting for you, you can get in it and drive away from the office, the work air.

But what will you do when the crushing formality surrounds not just that place, but the entire earth?

Can your car drive you up to mars? To the moon? To the stars?

For you to escape even for a second, out of such professionalism burdens that you inhale every living seconds of your life.

In this reading, I see no visions that I must introduce you to.

You are already a visually active person, you think with visions not just numbers.

By no means this reading insinuates you of being unkind or lacking in any humane qualities.

Neither is it a complain from the mother earth to you.

Take it as a gesture unfolding infront of your awareness.

A gesture that suggests sensibility in your life.

Even the faintest mimickery of sensibility has acquired you a tip of what you yearned for.

Ponder, what the real thing could pull.

(Has the professional interiors followed you, even to your bed?)

Pile 4.

I must introduce you to an objective of mine that suggests what this outside world consists of, happens discreetly within our interior too.

Adversity, competition, push and pull, dog eat dog world pace, etc.

And how you may ask?

Every external worldly tension stems from various reasons, one that stands to this day, the most valid is, lack.

The uprising heat and debates, the battles of winners and losers are here, not just because of human sadism to win but to also get hands on a place, position, thing,etc before someone else does.

Which comes from an arguably devastating narration that we all collectively feed on, lack.

Your internal world seems to be a world copied and pasted from our very reality.

You seem to tell your internal conscious residing within you, that you lack space so severely that to be accepted for residence, one must go for the other to find the leash.

Competion arises the moment lack wanders around introducing itself.

Your masculinity and your feminity will compete for a position because you told them, only one must stay.

Your anger and the contradicting poise of a breeze will compete the moment you say to yourself, i need only one to navigate.

Your mind and heart will start to clash, get into heated arguments that spiral you into madness, depression, anxiety and mental , physical, emotional, spiritual agony.

Because you told yourself, only one is reasonable, the other is not.

That only one is reliable to execute life with, the other is not.

So, when your whole internal cells that makes up your entirety feels like a war zone,

a telenovela about a sibling rivalry, the marching tension between you and your competent colleague, or the ticking time bomb that ticks rules such as the one who gets there first gets to have it, etc.

You must know, it is because a narration is being given with or without your awareness.

That says,

I lack.

I lack so, what I consist entirely of, must decide with each other, who is to get deducted and who is to stay.

In this reading I don't think I need to guide you into answers because you already are aware.

But as a gentle nudge, here goes my everything.

" Lack only exists in places where prosperity unsettles us."

(Stop playing "the floor is lava" with the entirety of yourself.)

[thefollow-spot]

'Merlin' and 'Lancelot' by Edwin Arlington Robinson

This is the first full book I've typeset and bound that is not fanfiction—which means I finally have something to show off to the normies in my life LMAO!

'Twas a Christmas gift for my lovely Misery (@whoawhataconcept), who has dragged me right after her into a fascination with Arthuriana ❤️

✨ Details below the cut! ✨

🤍 NEW METHODS 🤍

Printing at home: In the past, I've sent my typeset PDFs off to a local print shop to be printed, but with access to a home printer for the first time, I battled the fucking thing to print it entirely at home. I had a lot of trouble getting my printer to do the whole thing (I think it was so long that the printer's memory started giving up), so I eventually ended up sending the PDF to print in smaller signature groups at a time. Due to misprinting, I ended up with many good glue sheets & pages to protect drying boards and such

Leather-core for endbands: I finally splurged and bought some leather jewellery cord to use as the core in my sewn endbands and it was FANTASTIC!

Ribbon bookmark: 🤍🤍🤍

Backed papers: I purchased two large sheets of artisan paper for the endpages and the cover material. Both were too flimsy for my comfort, so on the advice of some folks at @renegadeguild, I backed some cut-down sheets with regular printer paper using a mix of 50/50 PVA and rice paste. I pressed them flat between protective sheets and they came out perfect!

Paste mix: I enjoyed working with the PVA-paste mix so much that I used it for the rest of the project for pretty much all of my gluing :)

Using an actual book press: Not much to say here except that I finally have an actual press and it made everything 100% easier haha!

Cricut stencil: My sister donated her time and cricut to help me title my cover and spine (under the dust jacket). We cut out stencils with cricut's stencil material & with stick-on vinyl (when we ran out of stencil material LOL). The spine turned out lovely but with some bleed; the cover was a bit of a mess since the stencil material started peeling up the fibres of the cover paper (which I had somehow not thought to seal). But live and learn!

🤍 BOOK INTERIOR 🤍

Copy-editing: Done by they lifesaving and gracious @highlynerdy, who saved me from agonizing over if the raw text source I took from had typos or mistakes. Thank you again, Gracie 💛

Typeset: I was inspired by the original typesets from when these poems were first published, updated to my own aesthetic sensibilities (as much as I had patience for)! The main body-text font is 'Lancelot' which seemed the only appropriate font to use for this project <3

Art: (Not pictured) I included some art by Edward Burne-Jones, "The Beguiling of Merlin", and "The Failure of Sir Lancelot"

🤍 EXTERIOR DESIGN 🤍

Cover: I originally wanted to do this book in blue, but when I went to the paper store, I could not find any marbled blue paper that wasn't wildly over-budget, so I ended up doing another red book. I tried to stick to a colour scheme of white-heavy monochrome + red + metallics.

Dust jacket: Much to my dismay, I realized that I've been lucky in the past, with access to a small nonprofit print shop where their ordering process involves emailing them and describing what you need. To print a dust jacket, one needs access to a print service with "large format" printing, and as I've discovered, that usually means an industrial printing service. Sorely missing my usual nonprofit print shop, I ended up going with a custom photo printing service, requesting a large photo print on their thinnest paper. Due to my special instructions, the cover came back almost-perfect. The edges were jagged, and the paper was a bit too thick, but it is perfectly serviceable and I'm overall happy with how it came out.

[arch444ngel]

understanding macros ˚₊‧⁺⋆♱

hi angels.

i know a lot of people struggle with counting c@ls/macros, so i thought i'd make a little manual.

˚₊‧⁺⋆♱

first of all, the three macronutrients:

1- proteins:

my favourite macro, they keep you full for longer and increase your metabolic rate. they also help you increase muscle mass, which means you'll lose fatty tissue when in a c@l deficit. you should aim for a high-protein diet if you want to stop things like skinny-fat, or any loose skin, etc.

proteins come from a combo of 20 amino acids, and some are ones that your body cannot make by itself. if you want a 'logical' wl, you should aim to get your protein in every day!!!

good low c@l sources of protein: low fat yogurt, cottage cheese, chicken breast, salmon, firm tofu, lentils, tuna, egg whites.

2- fats:

okay, fats sound scary because of the name, but that doesn't mean they're all bad. there's two types of fats:

healthy fats (monounsaturated, polyunsaturated)

unhealthy fats (trans fats, some saturated fats)

monounsaturated fats actually help wl because they regulate the appetite. they curb cravings, and effectively stop binges. these are found in eggs, avocados, and nuts.

polyunsaturated fats help muscle retention, similar to proteins. basically omega-3, these are found in many types of fish, especially salmon.

the unhealthy fats are the ones in greasy food and ultra processed food. these are the ones that can cause weight gain, if not eaten in moderation. these should ideally make up <10% of your daily c@ls.

3- carbs:

there are also two types of carbs:

healthy - whole foods

unhealthy - refined carbs

refined carbs are from highly processed foods. eating a whole apple is not the same as eating a mashed apple. that would remove all of the fibre, minerals, and vitamins from it.

the reason carbs have a bad reputation is because people are generally talking about refined carbs. it's a common misconception that carbs don't keep you full for that long. this is technically untrue. eating refined carbs causes a spike in your insulin levels, which makes you hungrier, so you eat more.

replacing refined carbs with whole foods is much better, since they contain all of their nutrients and they keep you full for longer.

carbs are good fuel for the brain, so if you're someone who has exams soon, or just wants to be an academic weapon, make sure to get your carbs in (healthy ones though).

˚₊‧⁺⋆♱

so now that we know what the macros are, how do we use them?

well, depending on what your personal goals are, and what you want to achieve with your wl, there's different ratios that these macros can be split into.

proteins should make around 10-30% of your diet, fats should make up 20-35%, and carbs should make up 45-65%.

personally, i try to maintain a high protein diet, so my ratio is 35% protein, 20% fats, and 45% carbs.

based on your needs, think of a sensible ratio for yourself. it does not matter what anyone else's is, it has to be suited to your habits or it won't work.

now that you have your ratio, apply it to your c@l intake.

for example, if your daily intake is 600, and your P:F:C ratio is 35:20:45, you would have to eat 210 c@ls worth of protein, 120 c@ls of fats, and 270 c@ls of carbs in a day.

calculate your limits, if you're obsessed with numbers like me, it will help to stop binges and it will remind you why to keep sticking to the plan.

˚₊‧⁺⋆♱

but how do we calculate c@ls based on macros?

step one- you have to know that every gram of protein contains 4 c@ls, every gram of fat contains 9 c@ls, and every gram of carbs contains 4 c@ls. these numbers are worth remembering next time you see an unhealthy food/ have a bad craving.

step two- check labels. it is legally required to have nutrition information on the packaging of any consumable item, so make sure to check labels.

the labels will contain all of the info you need to calculate your accurate c@l intake for the day, and it will also tell you if you've met your macro goal for the day or not.

step 3- the maths:

after some time, this will become instinctive, mental maths. practise, make 'high grades, low bmi' a reality.

for example:

you have an item of food and the label says it contains:

12g of protein

6g of fats

20g of carbs

using our knowledge from step one, we can do:

12x4= 48 (c@ls in the protein).

6x9= 54 (c@ls in the fats).

20x4= 80 (c@ls in the carbs).

so in total, this food has 48+54+80= 182 c@ls.

but wait.

this food contains fibre.

fibre is a type of carb that sometimes doesn't get digested, so we need to do something about it first.

there's two types:

soluble fibre - gets digested

insoluble fibre - doesn't get digested

soluble fibres are usually in fruits and veggies, beans, lentils, nuts, seeds, barley, and oats. they contain 2 c@ls per gram. they help keep you full for longer, they lower blood sugar levels, and they reduce constipation (found in bulk-forming l@xatives).

insoluble fibres, however, cannot be digested. they regulate digestion and help with constipation (also found in most l@xs). they can be found in whole-wheat flour, wheat bran, nuts, beans, cauliflower, green beans and potatoes.

most foods that contain any type of dietary fibre will usually contain a mix of the two types.

for example, this food has 2.8g of fibre. 1g is soluble, and the other 1.8g is insoluble.

we want to figure out the exact amount of c@ls in this food, so we do:

1x2= 2 (c@ls for the soluble fibre. we add this on to our total c@ls).

1.8x2= 3.6 (c@ls for the insoluble fibre. we take this away from our total c@ls).

so to get our true total c@ls, we do:

182-3.6 = 178.4 c@ls (yayyy!)

now, you just do this for every food you eat in the day. it might seem like an unnecessary amount of maths, but it will also help you track your macros for a 'logical' and quick way to get to your ugw. getting all your nutrients and getting skinny? it's just the perfect method.

˚₊‧⁺⋆♱

i hope this helped some people at least, i remember being super lost at some point too. hopefully this helps everyone reach their goals quicker.

remember to drink lots of water and don't overwork yourselves.

stay safe, angels.

yours always,

risa ˚₊‧⁺⋆♱

[slutforpringles]

The FEA collection seems to have prompted a bit a discourse on Daniel's lack of response (so far) on the Red Bull situation and fallout from SIngapore - and honestly @cecoeur and @billscciardo have articulated lot of how I feel about it all far better than I could have 🫶🏻.

While there is a part of me that would love to see Daniel go full scorched earth on Red Bull and publicly eviscerate both their treatment of him and especially the lies they have told about how it all played out, I also can't help but wonder if part of the reason that we haven't seen/heard anything from Daniel is because he still feels conflicted about what he wants to do.

Daniel's spent the last two years emphasising how Red Bull feels like home and a second family, highlighting how many current team members have been there throughout his entire career and that their belief in him and the way they welcomed him back into the team was so important and special to him, and was a big factor in helping him fall back in love with the sport. Even if he feels totally hurt/blindsided/betrayed by everything that has happened (very understandably), those other feelings don't just suddenly cease to exist, and I do not fault him in any way for wanting to grapple with his own probably difficult and conflicting emotions before unpacking them for the wider public, especially given the way the press have so often been so viciously cruel with how they have reported on Daniel.

And I think as much as I'd love to think that Daniel could publicly eviscerate Christian/Red Bull's upper management/board members, shareholders and decision makers without that affecting his ongoing relationship with those people, is kind of naive and just not realistic. Even if he currently hates Red Bull with every fibre of his being, I think hitting destruct on all of that without at least giving himself time to think it through is just not advisable or sensible.

Anyway these are just my thoughts about it. I wouldn't be surprised if there's also contractual/legal stipulations at play until the season (and Daniel's contract) is over, too.

[f0point5]

You know what, I totally understand Crofty. Because I too see someone who offends my sensibilities winning and hate them with every fibre of my being in the moment, but later when I think about it I appreciate their achievements and think that even if they didn’t do it in a way I appreciated at the time, they still did it, so I gotta stfu.

[bm571158]

Free Now LN4 (Part 39)

Zandvoort may have been a success, Lando taking the win by a very small margin much to the disappointment of the home crowd, but what followed in Monza was anything but.

It had started off well, he'd been on a high from the win in Zandvoort, the confidence boost that he so definitely needed coming into the second half of the season. He'd had a good start in the practice sessions, qualified in P2 and had it all to play for going into the start of the race. He'd got a good start, rapidly gaining ground on the car in front of him, and then he'd gone a bit too far up the kerb, sending him spinning off into the run off area. By the time he'd got the car facing in the right direction again and back on the track, he was down in P14.

The reminder from his engineer to keep his focus, that he had enough pace and long enough left in the race to get himself back up to the front, did nothing to dispel the frustration that Lando was feeling. He didn't have long to dwell on it though, catching up to the car in front of him and slowly beginning to pick his way through the cars in front of him lap by lap. It was taking longer than he would've liked, trying to carefully pick each spot to make his move so he didn't have a repeat of what had ended him up in that situation in the first place, but as his engineer kept remaining him he was making progress and he just needed to be patient.

The trouble with that was- patience had never been Lando's strong point.

He had time, the team were right. At the pace that they were projecting if he carried on he'd be back in P2 and right behind Max at least three laps before the end of the race and in theory have time to catch him too. But even as they told him, reminding him to just keep going as he was and stick to the plan, his mind struggled to process the disappointment of what had happened. He should've been in front, with a more than comfortable lead given the pace he'd got, and he would have been had he not have made that stupid mistake. He knew better, he should've done better, and he had no one but himself to blame.

As he came around the next lap he found himself catching up again to the car in front, not close enough to do anything about it into the first corner, but by the end of the lap he'd be right on their tail his engineer told him. Lando didn't answer, just pushing his foot further to the floor, throwing the car in to the corner with a bit more speed than it would have liked, wrestling with the steering wheel as he tried to keep it on the track.

Two corners later, he was right on George's tail again and before the team could realise what he was about to do and remind him to be sensible he'd lunged up the inside of the corner from a ridiculous distance back.

What followed wasn't George's fault- Lando had been so far behind him on the approach to the corner that no one would have expected him to suddenly dive up the inside like that, there was no way George could've seen him coming. So as Lando shot up the inside as the two car's approached the apex of the corner, George turned across on the inside line and suddenly Lando had absolutely nowhere to go.

The first impact as he hit George's car took him by surprise, the whole thing happening so quickly that he didn't have a chance to realise what was coming. But as the tyre snapped clean off the front of his car and flew over his head, the car spinning around and getting launched off the ground as it went careering towards the barrier he had just enough time to realise what was coming before the car smashed in to the barrier at an incredible speed, the sound of carbon fibre shattering around him.

He had just long enough to get his hands off the steering wheel before the impact hit, the force of the impact knocking all the air out of his lungs. His ears were ringing and it took him a minute over the sound to realise that the team were frantically trying to get hold of him on the radio.

"I'm... I'm okay..." he gasped, pain shooting through his body as he tried to get some air into his lungs. "Fuck."

"Lando." Came the response from his engineer. "You need to get out, now. The car is on fire. Get out."

He fumbled with the buckles on his seatbelt, scrambling around to get himself out of the car despite the pain he was in. By the time he'd managed it, there were already Marshall's on scene to extinguish the fire, and the medical car that had been automatically deployed had just arrived on the scene was testament to quite how hard he'd hit the barriers.

He had to steady himself against the wreckage of his car as his feet hit the floor. As the medics jumped out of the car, grabbing hold of him to steady him as they led him to the waiting medical car, all he could think about was his poor mum watching this on the tv. It was enough to make him try and stand up a bit straighter and walk without leaning so heavily on the medic beside him, as if it might somehow prove to his mum that he was okay.

He all but collapsed into the back seat of the medical car when he got there, looking out of the window at the mangled wreckage of his car, the flames still just visible as the Marshalls continued to try and extinguish it, the medical car pulling away from the scene to take him to the medical centre before he could see if they managed to put it out.

****

"He's alright." Was the first thing Flo said as she answered the call from Lottie, before Lottie even had a chance to ask the question. She knew why her friend was calling, she would've just seen the same horrendous clip the rest of them had on the tv before the camera very quickly cut away.

"Thank god." Lottie breathed. "That was..."

"Yeah, I know." Flo mumbled. "Dad's with him, they're taking him to the hospital to get checked out. I think they're worried he's got a concussion and he might have a couple of cracked ribs."

"But he's okay?" Lottie asked again.

"He's okay." Flo confirmed. "Well, I suppose we might need to be worried that he's knocked the last few remaining brain cells out of his head if he's got a concussion. He didn't have that many to begin with."

There was a commotion in the background as Cisca started yelling at Flo that now really wasn't the time to be being mean about her brother.

"Are you guys going to go over there?" Lottie asked.

"Mum's just waiting for Dad to call her back when they get to the hospital. Then she'll either head there or if he's home head to Monaco I guess." Flo explained. "Do you want me to tell him you called?"

"No." Lottie said quickly. "I uh... this whole being friends thing, it's a lot harder than I thought.

"That's because the two of you aren't supposed to be friends." Flo pointed out. "The sooner you admit that, the sooner you can both get back together and be happy."

"It's not that simple Flo." Lottie sighed. "We don't need to talk about this. Not right now."

"It's not simple, but you're making it a lot more complicated than it needs to be." Flo told her. "I know that both of you have got stuff going on, but you're both miserable being apart."

"I'm going to go now." Lottie said, cutting Flo off before she could get any further with her speech. "I'm glad he's okay."

****

The first question Lando had asked in the hospital was whether he'd still be okay to get his flight back to Monaco that evening. They'd advised against it, telling him he'd probably want to get some rest, but there wasn't technically anything that would prevent him from flying.

He'd sat in almost total silence at the hospital as they checked him over, but other than a mild concussion and one cracked rib he was declared to be absolutely fine. It was a miracle really, given the force of the impact. He'd seen a couple of photos of the wreckage of his car once it had been recovered back to the garage and there really wasn't much left to be salvaged.

His Dad had turned up at the hospital bit that long after he'd arrived, and had immediately started trying to reason with Lando about him going back to Monaco. His mum had been on the phone too, trying to reason with him that if he wasn't going to stay an extra couple of nights then he should come back to the UK with his dad instead.

He'd refused, reassuring them that he was okay and just wanted to go home and get some rest. The last thing he wanted was to go back to his parents house and have his mum making a fuss. Not when he was still absolutely fuming with himself for having made such a mistake in the first place.

He'd watched the clip back about one hundred times as he waited for the paperwork so that he could leave the hospital. He'd known as he was doing it that it was a risky move, bordering on stupid, but watching it back now from another angle he'd been so far behind when he launched himself down the inside he was surprised he'd even ended up anywhere close to George. There was no arguing who's fault it was, the blame was entirely on Lando for this one. He'd arrived so late and at such speed that by the time George had realised he was there, if he'd ever even seen him, the two cars had already made contact.

He should've waited. Done what his engineer said and had a little bit of patience. A couple more corners and he would've been past George anyway, and not have taken himself out of the race in the process. It wasn't just the cost of the damage, the extra work for the team and everything that went with it. The DNF meant no points in this race for Lando, and with Max winning the race when it had eventually restarted after the red flag and the time taken to repair the sizeable dent that Lando had put in the barriers. The extra points for Max meant that the battle for the drivers championship had closed up again, the DNF costing Lando the lead that he'd started to draw out.

He wished he could go back in time and make the sensible decision. It was just an outright stupid move, and one he knew that the team was going to have a lot of questions about once they knew that he was okay. Questions that he wasn't going to have answers for because he didn't know why he'd done something so reckless himself.

He had eventually won the battle with his Dad and boarded his flight back to Monaco, a little later than planned, and alone. He'd promised to call his mum as soon as he landed to let her know he was okay and he'd got there in one piece, but he had no intention of following through with it. He just wanted to be alone.

He had several messages from people checking in on him, all of which went ignored. His siblings, his teammate, members of the McLaren team and a couple of the other drivers. He didn't want to speak to any of them. Sooner or later one of them was going to ask the question of what on earth was he thinking trying to pull that move, and he didn't want to tell them the answer. How did he explain that he'd set everything he had on winning the drivers championship, figuring if his career had cost him his relationship with Lottie then he may as well make sure he won this time.

He was still beating himself up about it when he finally arrived home in Monaco. His apartment was quiet, a welcome respite from all the people that had been crowded around him all day, and he closed and locked the door firmly behind himself. He wasn't about to run the risk of his parents deciding to show up uninvited.

He'd been exhausted on the flight back, barely able to keep his eyes open, but now he was finally at home nothing was further from his mind than sleep. He laid on his bed but every time he closed his eyes all he could see was the car careering towards the barriers in that split second he'd had before he hit them.

He didn't have anywhere he needed to be for the next week, there being a two week break before the next race. The team had cancelled his commitments without him even asking after the crash, telling him to take some time to rest and recover and they'd catch up in the lead up to the next race in Baku at the end of the month.

He'd been thankful that he didn't have to go and face them, and explain why he'd done something so incredibly stupid, but it also meant that he'd got nothing to drag himself out and try and act normal for. The physical injuries from the crash had subsided very quickly, only a couple of small bruises left as an indication that anything had happened. Mentally though, the guilt of knowing there was no one to blame but himself had consumed him.

He'd moped around at home, unable to sleep for the first couple of days at all. Then the exhaustion had hit him and he'd ended up sleeping through almost an entire twenty four hours, only woken in the end by the panicked phone calls from his mum wondering if he was okay because no one had heard from him.

"I'm fine, Mum." He sighed, repeating it for what felt like the millionth time since he'd arrived back from Monza.

"Why don't you come home for a bit?" Cisca suggested again.

"I'm fine." He repeated. "I've gotta come back to MTC again before Baku. I'll come and see you then, alright?"

"We could come and visit you?" Cisca suggested.

"No." Lando said quickly, the last thing he wanted was them invading his apartment. "I'll come and see you when I come back, or you can come to Baku if you want. But I'm fine, really. I just need a week or two off."

She'd reluctantly accepted it and ended the call, but before he'd even put the phone back down on the bedside table Flo was calling him instead.

"Mum put you up to this, didn't she?" Lando sighed as he answered the phone. There was no point ignoring her, his sister was only going to keep calling until he eventually answered. He may as well get it over and done with.

"She's worried about you." Flo told him, stating the obvious. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine. They cleared me to drive in Baku."

"That's not what I meant." Flo sighed.

"I'm fine." He repeated. "It was my own fuck up, I know what I did wrong. I just need to make sure I don't do something so stupid next time."

Flo was quiet for a second. "Are you coming back for my birthday?"

"No, I don't think so. Sorry." He told her. "I've got..." he trailed off, trying to come up with a convincing lie to tell her.

"It's fine, Lando. You don't need to come up with an excuse." Flo reassured him. "I'll let you go, I'll tell Mum to stop calling you all the time."

She hung up the phone, turning to find Lottie stood in the doorway of her kitchen, the look she was giving her suggesting she'd heard every word.

"Is he okay?" Lottie asked, unable to help herself.

"He's angry with himself for crashing, I think." Flo sighed. "Hopefully he just needs a few days to get over it and then he'll have his head on straight and not do something so ridiculous at the next race."

"I thought about calling him." Lottie admitted. "I just... well, I don't know what to say to him anymore. He said he wanted to be friends, and I feel like I'm not being a good friend, but I don't think I know how to just be his friend."

"You two give me a headache." Flo gave an exasperated sigh, shaking her head at her friend. "He's not coming back for my Birthday party though, so you're safe to come."

"I wasn't hiding from him." Lottie protested. "I told you I was busy."

"Yeah and we both knew it was a lie." Flo rolled her eyes at her. "Either way, you'll come to the party now? Pleaaaaaaaase?"

"Yeah, I'll be there." Lottie agreed. "But for the record, I wasn't avoiding your brother."

"Yeah, yeah... whatever you want to say to try and convince yourself. I'm not going to believe you, whatever you say."

[kiscon]

May- K/S Newsletter!

(You can find the complete post in our newsletter. There is quite a lot of info so I only put the highlights!)

Dear K/S Friends, Summer is upon us, and we have mail for you! This time our newsletter is dedicated to only two topics, but they are so important that they warrant their own issue. 1. KiScon 2024 – Hotel Reservations:

We are happy to announce that room registration for KiScon is officially OPEN!

Our venue, the Seattle Airport and Conference Center, is now accepting room reservations for KiScon 2024!

Basic Information About The Rooms:

There are two types of rooms available to book. Rooms with one single king bed have a maximum occupancy of two people. Rooms with two double beds have a maximum occupancy of four people. Our group discounted room rate is $164 per night, plus hotel taxes and fees. Con group rates are good until the room block runs out! (See newsletter for specifics)

2. The KiScon 2024 Art Show & Auction

As KiScon 2024 is a hybrid con with an in-person AND online art show and auction, these traditional and much beloved parts of the convention are more complicated than they were at a purely online or purely in-person event. In the following, we are trying to explain everything as clearly and concisely as we can. Should you still have questions that have not been answered here, please get in touch with us at artshow@kiscon.org.

First things first, the art show and the auction usually have a certain overlap, but you can sell artworks at the auction that are not featured in the art show, and you can submit art to the art show that is not for sale. You do not need to be a registered attendee to submit art to the art show or to the auction!A. The Art Show

The art show aims to showcase a great variety of K/S fanart, trying to convey how rich in talent and creativity our fandom is.

To ensure that both in-person and online attendees can enjoy the show, it will be presented via a slideshow vid that will be accessible online throughout the convention weekend (and afterwards on our website). We will also show it on the big screen during the opening ceremony on Friday night.

In addition there will be space in the Rec Room at the hotel to host a small exhibition and show physical artworks that attendees bring to the convention in person. If you plan to bring physical artworks to the con, please do not forget to submit a photo or scan of it to the art show vid, so that our online members can also marvel at it.

For all submissions to the art show, please use our online form. Deadline: 15 September 2024.

B. The Auction

You do not need to be a registered attendee to offer items in the auction, but only attendees (in-person or online) are able to bid on items.

What is accepted for the auction?

Traditional, physical artworks:paintings, drawings, prints, but also three-dimensional artworks like sculptures, amigurumi, fibre craft, jewellery etc.

Digital artworks or hybrid artworks (e.g. a drawing on paper that you digitally altered afterwards); AI-art is not permitted, without exception. Digital items will be delivered to the buyer as high-resolution files; it is sensible to include clear information what rights the buyer acquires along with the artwork, i.e. what the buyer is allowed to do with the file (e.g. use it as illustration for their fic on the AO3? use it to prettify their website?)

Trek merchandise or collectibles (mugs, T-shirts, plates etc.)

Trek zines (especially rare editions), pro novels (especially hard-to-find ones)

The item must be K/S or K&S or Star Trek in general.

You must be the rightful owner of the item that you offer for sale or have express permission from the owner if you sell it for someone else.

In the case of artworks this means: you do not need to be the artist, but you need to be the current owner of the artwork; the artist’s permission is not needed.

(sorry folks, that's the limit for this post!)

[melancholicheart]

All This Time- Chapter 4

cw: trans male pregnancy (past, mentioned), angst, miscommunication, fluff with a happy ending

Johnny catches up with his daughter, joining her and Simon in the sand and Lizzie situates herself between the chains. She holds on tightly and Simon stands behind her and pushes her back gently.

She yells a little, excitedly, as Simon makes her soar through the air.

Johnny stands in front of her, lunging out for her little feet every time she swings towards him. She holds on tighter and wriggles in the seat a little to escape Johnny’s outstretched hands.

They spend a while playing, taking it in turns to push Elizabeth and putting her at the top of the slide to let her go down. Johnny even goes down with her one of the times.

She’s on the climbing frame when she complains to Johnny about being thirsty. Simon offers to get her a drink but Johnny says he’ll go, as long as Simon stays with Elizabeth.

He walks slowly, taking a minute to himself. He has no idea how to approach any of this with Simon or Elizabeth. He doesn’t know what to say, what to do. He doesn’t want to ignore the past but it’s so easy to fall into a familial role when they’re all together.

Johnny takes a moment, when gathering the juice and water from a nearby shop, to wonder what he’s doing. He trusts Simon, he once loved him with every fibre of his being, and that side of him wants to allow Simon to do this. To bond with his daughter and have fun with her.

His sensible side, as he calls it, or his parenting side disagrees. Simon is still military, after all, and there’s no doubt in Johnny’s mind that Simon will leave again. Go back to fighting to the death where one day, he just might not come home. He doesn’t want Simon to hurt his daughter that way, doesn’t want her to suffer because of them, and he worries away at his lip as he strolls back to them both.

Each step raises a new question in his mind to ask Simon. Is he ready to retire The Ghost yet? Is he willing to drop everything for his child? Is he prepared to be a full time Dad? A metal taste coats his tongue as he licks his burst lip, stepping back onto the park and spotting Simon in a corner with Elizabeth sat opposite him. They look to be building sandcastles.

“Papa,” Elizabeth says upon spotting Johnny, “Daddy said he’s gonna make me s’getti for tea!”

“Did he now?” Johnny muses, taking a seat between the two of them and handing out the drinks. Elizabeth goes back to perfecting her sandcastles whilst Simon nervously scratches his neck.

“If that’s alright with you, that is.” He mumbles, cracking open his water bottle and helping Elizabeth with her juice too.

Johnny nods, “Of course it is. We’ll need to nip to the shops first, though. Daddy makes a very special spaghetti sauce, Beth, even better than mine!”

Elizabeth puts a leaf in the top of her sandcastle and looks up at Simon, “Nae way!”

“Yeah way!” Johnny says, scooping sand into the bucket and making his own sandcastle, “Your Dad always used to make it for us, every Friday!”

“I’ll show you how to make it, kiddo,” Simon says, “It’s a secret recipe though, you can’t tell anyone else.”

Elizabeth nods, “I won’t! I’m good with secrets.”

“Oh yeah?” Simon asks, “What’s your biggest secret?”

“Cannae say, won’t be secret then.” Elizabeth replies without a beat and Simon chuckles.

“Good one.”

A little time passes, Elizabeth still playing and Johnny making small talk with Simon. It’s unnaturally awkward for them but Johnny only hopes the nerves ease.

Simon excuses himself for a short while, claiming to need the bathroom, and Johnny watches him leave. His head is hanging low and his hands are stuffed in his pockets as he shuffles in the direction of the bathrooms that Johnny pointed out to him.

“Papa, is ma Daddy gonna stay forever now?” Elizabeth asks. Her childlike curiosity sparks a pain in Johnny’s chest as he searches his mind for an answer.

“I don’t know my love,” Johnny answers honestly, “But I hope so.”

“Me too.” Elizabeth says with a happy smile. She toddles around the park in the meantime, bouncing from each piece of equipment to the next before Simon comes back.

Johnny, ever the attentive one, notes how Simon looks small. Shrinking into himself, he has a reddened face and irritation on the skin near his eyes, like he’s been rubbing it.

When Simon sits back down, his eyes track Elizabeth around the park and he doesn’t say a word.

“Simon, is everything alright?” Johnny asks, shuffling closer to him a little.

There’s a pause, one that has Johnny wondering if Simon even heard him, before a slight nod of his head is noticed.

“Are you sure? You can tell me anythin’, Si, it’s just me.” Johnny says. He nervously toys with the sand in front of him, “I know it’s been years but we’re still us. I’ve still got your six and I know you have mine.”

Simon scoffs but cuts himself off before he can elaborate. He nods and mutters a quiet ‘yeah’.

Annoying as usual, Johnny goes to press again when Elizabeth comes bounding back over. She trips in front of Johnny and falls into his arms with a giggle as he wraps his arms around her, checking she’s okay as she jumps back up and plays with Johnny’s hair.

“Papa can we go to the shops? We go the big Tesco for s’getti stuffs? And we see Nanny then!” She blabbers out, tugging a little on Johnny’s hair as she shakes sand out of his mohawk.

Johnny turns to Simon, “Are you ready to make a move to the shops?”

Simon nods.

Johnny presses, “You sure?”

“Contrary to what you may believe, Johnny, but swings and slides don’t exactly fill me with excitement.” Simon stands and holds a hand out for Johnny to take.

Which he does, of course. He stands with a spring in his step and grabs Simons shoulder, reminiscent of the day he very first met his Lieutenant. He smiles, “There he is, ol’ Ghostie back with us.”

“Shut up MacTavish.” Simon mutters with an incriminating blush spreading across his face, despite his formidable nature.

Johnny holds a hand out for Elizabeth and they walk slowly to keep up with her little legs as they leave the park. It’s only halfway down the road when he realises his other hand has found it’s way back into Simon’s grasp.

He says nothing, and neither does Simon.

[hypnotisedfireflies]

I was rereading Fortunate Son, and it made me think of some questions I have for you. Maria wears short stays in this verse, and I wanted to ask if you have an inspirational picture you used while writing about them. Only because I've looked online, and there are so many different kinds.

My second question is, once Tess shows up, does Maria clue her into the short stays? If so, what is Joel's opinion of them? Do he and Tommy ever have a conversation about these strange contraptions from yesteryear?

Hey! :) This is what we're talking about - short or demi stays, which are not as long as a corset. They're Bridgerton-famous now, but they were a very practical garment that women could wear for more physical labour. When made correctly to fit the wearer, they are so comfortable, and you can see just how structurally sound and supportive they are. They don't require perishable items like elastic to remain in place and would be a good solution once bras start to break down.

The ones worn in Jackson would be very similar to the above but feature a much more diverse kind of print, using any scraps they could get as long as it was good, breathable, natural fibres. They also would wear them with a light chemise beneath, because that protects their skin and the garment, giving it greater longevity. Gotta be sensible about the resources.

Maria gets Tess organised with a couple of pairs. Joel, being a lingerie man definitely likes them. He and Tommy probably have a conversation in passing about the stays, but while they might like them in private, they're unlikely to talk much about them in public, even with each other. Those boys are so damn polite.

Thanks for asking! xxx

[suzieb-fit]

My new diabetic consultant is trying to prevent low blood sugars by decreasing my insulin doses.

All very logical, sensible and understandable.

But it's causing a lot of highs.

The yoga was planned. The cardio not very long after wasn't, lol.

So looks like today will be another high activity one.

Not a problem. I feel much better on days like this.

So after those two very different workouts, it was lunchtime.

Gotta love all that healthy fat, veggie fibre and natural protein!

[joyburble]

The mourning suit. This is the costume that instantly made me go "WHAT? oh, no" Because look at it. It looks like it's made of wool. This is the moment it appears, half way through episode 33. What.

There's no embellishment, no shine of any kind, no transparency unless it's backlit. I can't tell what the material really is, but it looks like a fine dark grey wool with a subtle richness of shade in the weave, and a sort of crepe edging (which the sleeves also have).

That seam along the top of the shoulder is surprising: visible seams hardly happen in his other costumes, except when they're revealed by patterns, and specifically not there.

None of these high-necked, imperious undershirts. No glitter. No train. No storm-clouds of gauze, no explosions of gold, no river of velvet in five shades of honey, no roots of the forest, no flames, not even the black satin or the silver moonscapes he wore in the human realm. Just a leather belt on top and skin underneath. Not even a buckle.

The total effect of he way the sleeves hang, the textures, and the composition of the shot above, is to make him look tiny in relation to Shangque. Our eyes are invited to abandon the delusion that he is tall or imposing, and recognise the body of a dancer.

The headpiece points down more than up, and hardly even shines. It could be jet, and you can hardly see it from the front, it just makes absurd little antennae above the ears.

It's ankle-length, and there's no train at all; the shape is relatively practical, like the hunting dress, or like Shangque's outfit.

Of all the costumes, I think this has two other outstanding, and contradictory, properties:

it's the one that can only be created instantaneously out of the fabric of fantasy spacetime by the character's state of mind. In the previous scene, in the same location, he was still wearing the Fire Gown. What purpose or occasion could possibly explain this having ever been made for him? It's intentionally unclear how either clothes or bodies are supposed to work in-universe, but can you imagine this sitting in a sandalwood chest in Moon Palace waiting to be magically summoned? It's a nope from me.

It's the one that's most explicit about someone having made it. There's a visible shoulder seam, and another that joins the sleeve.

This outfit is an extreme contrast of visual texture with every other thing the character has worn, up to this moment.

And, to my Western eye, the colour and unadorned texture, not to mention the lapels, bring an association of ideas which I will call on the art historian Anne Hollander to explain. She's writing about the genesis of the modern Western suit, about 1810:

"Formerly the play of light on rich and glinting textures had seemed to endow the gentleman with the play of aristocratic sensibility, and made him an appropriate vessel for exquisite courtesy, schooled wit, and refined arrogance without having to reveal the true fibre and calibre of his individual soul any more than that of his body. ... ... Brocade and embroidery had once indicated the generic superiority even of quite inferior individuals, and had displayed the beauty of the costume, not the man. Careful fit witout adornment, on the other hand, emphasizes the unique grace of the individual body - indeed creates it, in the highest tailoring tradition. The man's rank, or even his deeds, are irrelevant to the fine cut of his plain coat; only his personal qualities are shown to matter. ... ... The perfect man, as conceived by English tailors, was part English country gentleman, part innocent natural Adam, and part naked Apollo the creator and destroyer ... expressed not in bronze or marble but in natural wool, linen, and leather, wearing an easy skin as perfect as the silky pelt of the ideal hound or horse, lion or panther."

Anne Hollander, Sex and Suits, pp 90-91

As a visual comparison, here are three actual suits being worn in masterly fashion by (l to r) Tony Leung, Wang Yibo, and Eric Wang in the trailer for Hidden Blade (2023), which happens to be on my dash:

You see Hollander's point about the panther, right?

I also think it's a great illustration of another point she makes: the similarity of these three different suits focuses your attention on how different these three men really look. But that's another story.

I should spell out here that it's possible, and likely, that my association of ideas here was mostly a coincidence based on the very first glimpse, and the mood they were really going for with this costume is nothing more than humility and grief. The concept of a suit is not just texture and colour and visual simplicity: the complicated, multi-layered inner construction that uses the unique structural properties of wool cloth to create that illusion of panther-like simplicity is important, and tailoring is not being used in that way for this costume, at least not visibly. Other costumes have more fit-and-cut going on than this one.

But, either way. The drastic visual contrast is telling us that we are down to business now, the setup is over, it's all unwind from here.

So, I called this the mourning suit, since that's what he's mostly doing in this series of scenes, and I can't resist the opportunity for a pun that goes with the colour scheme.

And I felt like I was being told: now we find out who he really is and what he does when the chips are down. I for one was delighted to see that "who he really is" still includes "hilarious bitch", among other things. Pour one out for Lady Chiedi. Changheng is right there. The grey underlayer has a subtle pattern.

He continues to wear this right through episodes 34 (this beautiful scene where he tries to be a dick and then silently concedes Shangque's point). The dark top layer is split at the sides, which creates this cute fanned-out tail, like a bird.

Shangque is such a good friend.

The breakdown in Ep 35. This was the nearest I could find to a full-length view of this outfit that's close enough to see anything.

It's still with us when a revelation triggers "RTFM: The Comeback" (see this):

In another visually shocking departure from everything we've seen before: there's no long under-sleeve covering the wrists. The big sleeves just fall back as the 'rescue' theme rises in the music.

The goodbye snog. This grey underlayer actually seems to be two layers, which brings this to the usual number of visible layers, it's just that the inner layer hasn't got the high neck we were seeing before, and the top layer goes under the belt rather than over.

The dramatic exit - and I was delighted to see that as well as "the bitchy part" and "the part that Reads The Fucking Manual and compares it with the data", we also still have "the dramatic flouncy part" of his personality.

Minus glitter, dramatic eyeliner, rivers of velvet or clouds of gauze, he's still backing himself to seize the situation by the throat, and I love that for him.

After this, it isn't worn again.

Anyway: the point of this costume is to pack an emotional punch by its contrast to everything else, and it does that very well.

The DFQC costumes master post is here.

[maedhrus]

Oohhh this was a while ago but. Pls talk more about Edward doting on Thomas during his pregnancy. He would be living his absolute best life getting to spoil his husband 🥹

don't worry, i quite literally never stop thinking about domestic!joplittle!!! they are my whole words and i'm chomping at the bit waiting for even the slightest excuse to talk about them!! 💖💖

ned little has ALL the makings of a victorian wife guy. that thomas (who is, objectively, the best man he's ever known) agreed to spend the rest of his life with edward is a gift he'll never be able to repay. but he adores thomas with every fibre of his being so the very least he can do is dote on a man who is so unused to being cherished

thomas tells him about the pregnancy around two months in. thomas knows earlier but is very terrified that he'll lose it etc. and doesn't want to get his or edward's hopes up. but he has very bad morning sickness and edward worries that it's some lingering Arctic Illness and so thomas tells him to get him to Worry Less (unsuccessful)

edward weeps upon hearing the news. just buries his head into thomas' stomach and weeps for a long time

he then becomes absolutely riddled with fear because holy shit so much can go wrong?? what if something happens to the baby??? what if something happens to thomas?????? edward considers himself a steady man but he knows that that's a loss he couldn't possibly survive

thomas is also worried that something will happen but to the baby, not him. it just seems like too many things have gone right in his life and surely he won't be so lucky as to have this child successfully? but he also knows that edward's prone to worry, and thomas is prone to sensibilities and so reminds them both that thomas' mother had four children, edward's had twelve. genetics are on their side if nothing else

still, edward will not be deterred from doing everything he can to minimise thomas' discomfort. he helps him dress in the mornings, fetches him tea, warms water so thomas can sit in a hot bath, allowing edward to gently wash him, kiss at his bump

this agitates thomas initially ("i'm not an invalid, edward. thomas blanky had one leg and got less attention.") again, he's a man for whom work is literally his lifeline, but as the pregnancy progresses and he gets more and more exhausted, he enjoys slipping into the luxury of care

more than once did thomas fall asleep in their living room, reading a book or sewing, and woke when he realised that edward was carrying him upstairs to their bedroom, setting him on the bed with a kiss

thomas had always had a sweet tooth but it worsens during pregnancy and it has edward making weekly trips to town to supply thomas with boiled sweets, chocolate, all manner of deserts

and edward enjoys this! it distracts him from thinking about how the pregnancy can go wrong and he gets to dote on the man he loves! who is giving him a gift beyond measure!!!

they both fall into absolute bits when the twins start kicking for the first time (it was early in the morning, edward practically woke up to thomas crying and pulling at his hand) and they often fall asleep with their hands pressed into thomas' stomach

(the twins eventually arrive in the dead of night and thomas cries and kisses at the soft hair on their heads and edward sobs and runs his hand over tiny fingers because now there are two more impossibly small humans who he will spend his life adoring)

[cameronfrye666]

How I Unf*cked Myself (a digestive health story)

TLDR (yes a very long TLDR, but this post is proportionally long)

Chronically fatigued and sick as a kid

Repeated courses of antibiotics (probably 20+) and 2x Epstein-barr infection between age 8 and 17

Around age 18 started noticing really weird food intolerances

Couldn’t drink alcohol without insane hangovers lasting 2 weeks+

Couldn’t consume foods high in refined sugar without going into days-to-weeks long episodes of hyperactivity, insomnia & extreme stress

Felt relatively shit eating most carbs

Tried fixing with diet change and vitamin / mineral supplements. Helped some symptoms but didn’t fix the issue.

Tried fixing with various probiotics. Incredibly mixed results - eventually found a regimen that worked for a period of time but, again, didn’t fix the issue.

After a hellish reaction to prebiotic fibre supplements, consulted a gastroenterologist and was diagnosed with Small Intestinal Bacterial Overgrowth, Gut Dysbiosis and an active H. Pylori Infection. Significant Improvement of symptoms following:

10x 14 days Rifaximin (550 mg 3x daily)

H. Pylori Eradication Regimen (one week amoxicillin, clarythromycin, metrodinazole and omeprazole)

2 years of:

Keto / SCD Diet

Either Candibactin AR&BR, FC-Cidal, Dysbiocide & ADP supplements, or Allimed Neem & Cinnamon, alternating every 2 months between them (two caps of each product 3x daily).

Occasional use of natural motility agents depending on symptoms (ginger / artichoke formulations and iberogast). 

This whole process sucked beyond description, if you have gut / digestive issues it is probably affecting your general health & wellbeing more than you realize. 

Intro

I don’t really have anything left to say other than that it was a more painful experience than I think I could ever accurately describe. Gut health seems to be one of the last remaining big frontiers of human health, and I hope they figure it out so no one has to experience this again. I am still moderately lost in the issue but it has at least gotten a lot better recently.

Story

The Descent

February 4th 2012 is a day that I will likely never forget for the rest of my life. I woke up from a relatively short and disrupted sleep around 10am. A close friend of mine who had slept over the night before was sitting on the living room couch watching The Social Network with my dad. It seemed a sensible, logical thing to join them. So I sat down on the couch, and all of a sudden, I couldn’t.  It's hard to explain exactly why I couldn't, but I just felt this immense inability to relax and settle down. Every bone in my body was vibrating, like this immense persistent energy rush. 

I had also had a fair amount of red bull and other sugary soft drinks as mixer the night before, so I chalked this feeling up to a sugar / caffeine spike and decided to try and get on with the day. I had some breakfast, got showered etc., attempted to do some school work and participated in a family Sunday dinner. By about 10pm it began to become clear that this feeling of immense overpowering stress was not dissipating; if anything, it had gotten worse.

The next two weeks were an incredibly disorienting, painful and confusing experience. Rather than alleviate, the symptoms more or less persisted, although they would ebb and flow throughout the day. I started to notice that I felt the best first thing in the morning (important to note that "best" is a very relative term here) and worst from the late afternoon into evening, with a notable spike directly after dinner hour. I was living in a complete fog. I lost all emotional contact with the world around me. All I felt all day was this persistent restlessness and stress and a complete inability to get rid of it no matter what I did (showering, watching movies, lying down in bed etc.). I just felt like someone had mainlined adrenaline into one of my veins and wouldn’t turn off the tap. It is the most excruciatingly painful thing I have ever experienced, or think I am ever likely to experience. In some way, it is almost impossible to explain in normal words. 

It was at the end of these two weeks that I finally decided to consult a doctor. Everyone here will likely be unsurprised to hear that he suggested I was suffering from a temporary bout of anxiety. Although I have certainly been anxious about my fair share of things in the past (studies, personal relationships etc.), I could feel that this was something quite different. On top of that, there was just nothing in my life bothering me at that time. I had great friends, had already been accepted to the University of my choice and was staring down the barrel of four months of school where my academic results didn’t matter anymore and then a three month summer break. I was offered some tranquilizers or anti-anxiety meds for my symptoms, but I wasn’t really interested in trying them as I wanted to get to the root of whatever the issue was. 

The only other suggestion he had for me was to maybe take a look at my diet. He noticed I was twitching a lot and I offered that I had recently suffered some bad muscle cramps as well, so he suggested that after a bout of mononucleosis earlier in the year and a long winter with little sun, I may be deficient in a few things. He prescribed me a short course of magnesium and vitamin b-12 supplements and sent me on my way.

Over the next month, with the supplements only sort of helping and with me still watching my life essentially completely fall apart around me (barely able to attend school, permanently unwell, chronically stressed, insomniac etc., almost complete loss of social life) I consulted a few more doctors. They more or less all had the same response: you can try antidepressants and/or tranquilizers, but otherwise, sorry, we can't help you. A few also questioned the nutritional supplement prescription.

It was at this point that I started to feel I was more or less on my own in whatever this was.

Part II: Ascent #1

The three months following the initial onset of my symptoms were probably some of the worst of my life, which, considering everything I’ve experienced over the last decade+, is really saying something. I was in a completely emotionally disconnected state, basically felt only stress on a daily basis, and had no idea what was going on.

The only real nuggets of information I had that I trusted were that (i) it might be nutrition-related and (ii) caffeine and/or alcohol were clearly bad for me. I started doing a load of research into what causes nutritional deficiencies and imbalances, how to correct them, and what a healthy diet looks like. Prior to this I had been more or less unconcerned about what I ate or drank in a day, although my diet was reasonably healthy mostly just due to my mother's cooking.

My readings on diet led me to make a few changes. First, I changed from a magnesium oxide supplement to magnesium bisglycinate, for better absorption. Then, I switched to an entirely refined-sugar free, whole grain diet high in unprocessed meats and vegetables. Lastly, I started taking almost nightly electrolyte salt baths (either epsom salt or dead-sea salt).

Although none of these changes cured me by any means, very slowly, I started to feel somewhat better. I could feel moderate improvements on a daily basis. Some days were better than others, but overall things were on an upwards trend. From this point onwards I became almost completely convinced that my symptoms were the result of a nutritional imbalance and that I would cure them through diet and supplementation.

Then, something very strange happened, which, in retrospect, should have pointed me in the direction of my ultimate diagnosis. I went into hospital to have my tonsils removed (as mentioned I had been very sick as a kid), and when I came out later the next day I had a very strange level of emotional clarity. Somehow everything was less painful, and although the crazy stress symptoms weren't totally gone, the improvement in just 36 hours felt drastic. At the time I thought maybe it was painkillers I had been given, perhaps the IV drip they put me on post-op? In retrospect, it was most definitely the high-dose amoxicillin I had been taking since the operation for reasons I can explain later on.

Part III: Stasis #1

That summer things more or less stabilized. Nothing was ever quite as good as the days and week following the tonsillectomy, but the insane debilitating stress didn't come back either, so overall I couldn't complain. From a mental point-of-view I was sort of able to return to normal life other than having to watch my diet and avoid substance. I started university in the fall and was successful despite the obvious social constraints that came along with my new health regimen.

The years following this were pretty up and down. I was able to get through my university courses, have some semblance of a social life, and never returned to the manic stress state of my initial descent. That being said, I never felt "quite right" again. It is hard to place, but my health just still felt very poor. I had low energy, slept a lot, often felt quite irritable, and had very poor performance in sporting activities despite previously being a strong athlete.

The main salient point that came out of this period was that I started to notice that high-sugar foods could bring on shorter-term episodes that mimicked the time period of the original onset of my symptoms. In one instance, I almost failed a university exam after consuming a jelly-filled donut the day before and becoming almost literally incapable of processing information for a few days afterwards. Suffice to say, I completely cut sugar from my diet from this point onwards.

I also tried a few Myers' cocktail IV drips (basically a mix of magnesium, calcium and b-vitamins) during this time period as part of my thinking on the issue being caused by nutritional deficiency. I would feel pretty great for a few days following them (improved sleep, able to focus while studying, good energy for exercise) but then go back to my same poor-health state afterwards. This only compounded my belief that the issue was purely nutritional in nature. Alongside this I consulted some nutritionists and diet specialists, and they recommended me some further supplements and dietary changes, but none of it made that overwhelming of a difference compared to the changes I’d already made. 

Part IV: Descent #2

For four years life went on in the position described above, at least from a health point-of-view. I had found a regimen that kept me functional and stable, and for the most part stuck to it and tried to forget about it all and get on with life. It was great to find some stability, but at the same time as an early twenty-something in University, having to stick to a pretty strict diet and lifestyle just wasn’t all that much fun.

So somehow I got the idea in my head that having found this stability, I must actually be cured of whatever it was and could go back to eating & drinking whatever I wanted. I got an 8-month research placement in France in 2016 and decided that I would just let loose and enjoy myself during that time. Upon arriving I quite quickly returned to being totally free with what I consumed, although perhaps still went light on very sugary foods. For the first few weeks, I felt great. I mean maybe not totally physical well, but it was just so mentally liberating to not think about this stuff anymore. I had a lot of fun going out with my new roommate, going on dates and just living life in a more free way. 

Around the second month of being there I started to notice some chronic unwelness creeping back in. My sleep was starting to become quite poor, I had terrible focus at work and wasn’t accomplishing much, and would feel really unwell after most meals. I ignored it for a while.

By the third month, it was almost panic stations again. I don’t know why I didn’t react to this sooner, probably I was just trying to deny how bad it was getting again, but by mid-March (I had started worked in January), I was bordering on being physically non-functional again. I couldn’t do much other than spend most days in bed when I wasn’t at work, felt constantly agitated, was achieving essentially nothing on a daily basis (thankfully I was working in a French R&D centre where very little was happening at the best of times), and just felt constantly ill. It was not quite the return to the extreme stress of the first episode but I was still really unwell and uncomfortable most of the time. 

I wasn’t really sure what to do, but I knew I really didn’t want to do another 6-months of diet control just to get back to a sort-of sufferable health state, so I started coming up with ideas for a quick fix. The only thing I really had was that those IV cocktails had made me feel pretty great, and since I was still in this mode of thinking it was all due to nutritional deficiency, I hoped that might be an easy solution (the logic being that alcohol and poor diet had lowered my micronutrient levels and I could just reverse it). It seemed this wasn’t available privately in Paris, so I went to London for the weekend just to get one. 

What happened after that infusion is one part of this story that I still do not understand whatsoever. Within hours of getting the Myers drip, rather than feeling great, I felt catastrophically unwell. I did not sleep that whole night and for most of the rest of the weekend, and returned to Paris in a complete fog. The feeling persisted for some weeks. I have a few ideas of what it could have been - too much B-complex which can give you energy rushes, some kind of micronutrient overdose / toxicity since I was still taking lots of supplements on top of the IV at that time, or some kind of immune reaction - but really I don’t know. Suffice to say I never took one again.

Part V: Ascent #2

The terrible reaction to that IV drip started to put the idea in my head that maybe this whole thing wasn’t just related to nutrition and / or a micronutrient deficiency. So I started doing a lot of searching online about what else can affect digestion, intolerance to certain foods, and associated unexplained chronic health symptoms. The thing that kept on coming up was the gut microbiome. I had heard of probiotics before, and knew that yoghurt was supposed to help your digestion, but outside of that I was pretty uneducated. All I could really tell was that it might be worth a shot trying a probiotic supplement to see if it would help.

So, being me, I went online and found the strongest, highest-dose probiotic supplement I could find, or at least on amazon.fr . It was the Renew Life Ultimate Care probiotic with a dose of 200 Billion live cultures (I didn’t know about vivomixx and other 400Bn+ clinical products at the time). The night it arrived, I popped a dose and went to bed, and then another first thing in the morning. By the time I had eaten breakfast and arrived at work around 9am, I felt violently ill. I was sweating, had a pounding headache and felt like I was going to vomit at any moment. I managed to hold it together for the morning, barely managed to stomach lunch and then went home as soon as people started to leave (around 4pm). 

I immediately went to google and started searching for what could cause this, and the main thing that came up was something called the Jarrisch-Herxheimmer reaction. I’m not sure what the clinical validation for this is, but the general understanding is that when something starts killing off pathogens in your body (which probiotics will do when they enter a pathogenic environment), they release toxins and inflammatory cytokines (can do a search yourself) into the body / bloodstream and you feel really unwell. Basically you are starting a fight between good & bad bacteria in your body and you feel the effects of it.

In some sense I was kind of excited that this had happened. The fact that I felt so violently unwell from taking probiotics perhaps pointed to the fact that I did have some kind of gut issue, which was a potentially useful revelation, although in the meantime I still felt horrendously ill. Most advice indicated that the reaction was temporary until you got “over the hump” but by day 7 I was still sick and things were only getting worse, so I stopped taking the pills altogether. 

After looking into how I could manage this better, it seemed like low-dose pills or small amounts of probiotic foods could be a way to manage the reaction while still improving, and as there was a health food store on my street, I decided to start experimenting with Kefir. The first night just to see I drank 2 cups of the stuff and of course felt violently ill again. I then embarked on a months-long journey of upping my dose from just tea-spoons to being able to tolerate about 1/2 to 1 cup per night. 

Within about six months I was able to dose freely with Kefir, and was eating other probiotic foods like sauerkraut and kimchi, all to positive effect. I managed to return to school following the end of my research placement, and although I still didn’t feel great, I would say I had made it back to another “stasis period”. 

My next hypothesis for improvement was to switch from probiotic foods to a supplement again, although just because it was simpler to take than cups of kefir and / or plates of sauerkraut every night. I experimented with quite a few that I found online. I tolerated most of them that had a dose of 100Bn bacteria or less, although somehow still felt better eating the fermented food. Eventually, I tried the Renew Life Mood & Stress probiotic (no longer in production) because it had some strains that were clinically proven to reduce stress levels, which had been one of my main symptoms in bad periods, and it seems to work quite well. I wouldn’t say it completely changed how I felt on a daily basis but it kept me stable to the point that I could stop having to drink Kefir all the time and things felt mostly alright. I felt as if I had found the answer at least for a little while.

Part VI: Stasis #2

This period was the longest in this whole mess. For six years from 2016 to 2022 I just took my daily probiotic supplement, kept a fairly clean diet, and once again got on with life. In this time I graduated from University, moved cities within Canada, and then moved to London to found a start-up which I am still a director of (it has nothing to do with gut health). Until 2018 I would occasionally drink when social engagements came up, but I still always felt somewhat sick after. After feeling ill for almost two weeks after drinking heavily at a company Christmas party, I gave up alcohol entirely. I also never really returned to high-sugar foods for how unwell they had made me feel in the past and also just lack of need (I always found not drinking much more socially inhibiting that not eating deserts and the like). 

It was in the spring of 2022 that, after 5-6 years of stasis, I once again became fed up with the whole thing. I was a young professional in my late twenties at this point and just didn’t understand why I had to take a probiotic supplement (of which I could only tolerate doses on the lower end) and eat a strict diet just to feel somewhat normal. I had considered longer-term solutions like getting a Fecal Microbiota Transplant to try and solve the issue once and for all, but most things like that were only offered privately, were expensive and the providers that did exist seemed a bit suspect (most FMT-type treatments are only available in clinical trials or for C-dificile infections at the moment). 

Somewhere in here a nurse I spoke to at an FMT clinic I had called told me to try going keto and see if it helped. I did it and felt pretty awesome for four months but lost a ton of weight (I was already very skinny) and found it very hard to maintain (especially socially). I eventually gave it up returned to a whole-grain high-protein diet. 

Part VII: Descent #3

After considering various options of how I reasonably could take action to improve my health and general life condition, I came up with the solution of finding a Nutritionist experienced in gut health issues. I had spent a lot of time avoiding medical professionals after my initial bad experiences with doctors and nutritionists either not being able to help or actually being actively unhelpful by questioning all of the symptoms and whether my reactions to foods were just psychosomatic, but I decided it was time to try again. I found a registered dietician in London who also had a PhD in gut microbiome research, which seemed like a great fit.

I shared my whole story with all of my symptoms and current condition, and although she had some questions about my sugar reaction and some of the weirder extended stress symptoms, she mostly accepted the story and that I clearly had some kind of untreated gut health issue. Her recommendation was that my diet was already positive (although could try introducing a few more carbs) and that the probiotic I was taking was as good as could be recommended by current knowledge in the field (noted that it is generally quite personal which ones work for some people and others not, and they don’t really know why). 

In terms of path forward, she recommended that I try introducing some more prebiotic foods and potentially a prebiotic supplement. Going down the list of my daily diet, it was already quite prebiotic / fibre-heavy, so we decided to try a supplement. The idea is that the prebiotic fibre helps feed and grow more of the probiotics you are taking in the supplement, and will improve your gut health. 

I started taking a daily dose (12g) of inulin, the best-validated prebiotic supplement available. The first few days I didn’t feel great and had pretty upset digestion, but nothing crazy. After about 3-4 days, I started having a reaction similar to the first time I ever tried high-dose probiotics. I felt pretty spaced out, generally ill, and hadn’t much appetite or desire for food. I interpreted this as being another Herxheimer reaction, so decided to stick with the supplementation. After about 1 month I still felt really unwell. Most days were a struggle to get through, I was in a total fog, and felt a lot of the extreme stress sensitivity of my initial low-points creeping back in. I spoke to the nutritionist and we decided that I would reduce my inulin dose or stop taking it all together. I reduced my dose by 1/2 and then by 1/3 but still felt increasingly unwell, so two weeks later stopped taking it all together. 

The next month was very uncomfortable. I felt quite ill most days, had general nausea / feelings of disorientation, wasn’t really tolerating most foods, and wasn’t sure what was going on again. In a last ditch, I decided to stop taking all supplements (at this point just my daily probiotic). For about two weeks after stopping the probiotics I didn’t feel all that different, but then somewhere around 12-14 days in, things started to go seriously south. Day by day, or even hour by hour at one point, I started to feel things degrading at first back to the all-day stress symptoms I had in the very beginning of this whole journey, and then to a version like 100x worse than that.

At one point I didn’t sleep for almost five days. My heart was permanently bounding out of my chest, and I was just in excruciating pain every single minute of the waking hours. I had to quit my job for a period of time, and my life was otherwise completely turned upside down. Without going into too many specifics, as I have tried to focus at first on the health aspect here, this is also the closest I came to thinking that perhaps life had just not really worked out for me and it was time to consider giving up on it. For whatever reason I still don’t completely understand, I stuck with it and suffered through the worst.

The greatest intensity of these symptoms lasted for about a month. I went back on the keto diet just because I had felt well on it in the past and didn’t really know what else to do, and after 5-6 weeks I was able to return to work, although only part-time, and somewhat get a handle on my life. I still felt pretty unwell most of the time, and had become quite isolated personally and socially because of it, but at least it felt like the adrenaline tap had lowered a bit and I could mostly suffer through each day. 

From a health-hypothesis point of view, I was a bit at wits end. I had contacted the nutritionist again and although she agreed the prebiotics can cause an adverse health reaction in some individuals for reasons not well understood, she didn’t really accept most of what I was saying around the extreme stress symptoms returning, and seemed a bit doubtful of me and what I was presenting. I decided that was about as far as we could continue together. Although I don’t deny I was in a terrible mental state at that time (which would be the case for anyone given the circumstances), I was completely convinced, and am unwavering to this day about the fact that the principal source of my issue was a serious, unadressed physical condition.

Part VIII: Ascent #3

All I felt I really had left was to go to a hospital and just accept whatever treatment they proposed (whether tranquilizers, sedation, some other drug or therapy I wasn’t aware of) or lay it all out for an experienced gastroenterologist / digestive specialist and just see what happened. I had often thought of seeking a specialist doctor, but was wary as pretty much all GPs and other doctors had been quite dismissive of my symptoms and assumed condition in the past. Here, however, we were quite literally in the “nothing to lose” position. With how things had gone the last months and my current life situation, I felt that if I didn’t fix this once and for all there was quite little point in continuing to live. 

Luckily, I am at least somewhat a person of means, and in the UK there is quite an availability of private medical specialists who will see you for a cash fee. I went to one I had found from a private doctor review website who seemed to have some experience in chronic digestive and gut health issues. I explained to him this entire story, perhaps not quite in such detail and with such emotional weight around specifics of how bad it felt, but largely my reaction to certain foods, how I had tried to manage it over the years, and my current situation. 

Firstly, he broadly accepted most of what I was saying, which was quite relieving in the first instance. His answer, although inconcrete, was that digestive health is, even for him and other experts, a very poorly understood area. He couldn’t say exactly why this was happening to me, but if I had the time and money he was willing to start looking into it with me and see if there were any potential solutions. For the first time, I felt as if an established member of the medical community was accepting their own blind spots in whatever this issue was , and willing to try and help.

His first suggestion was to run some tests to rule out more common and well-understood digestive disorders like Inflammatory Bowel Disease and Ulcerative Colitis. These all came back negative. Upon these results, he suggested that given my reaction to the prebiotic fibre and previous reaction to carbs and high-sugar foods, the most likely explanation was a chronic case of Small Intestinal Bacterial Overgrowth or SIBO.  The way to diagnose would be a sugar or lactulose (another prebiotic) breath-test, and the treatment being a course of a choice of antibiotics to wipe out the overgrowth and try to correct the dysbiosis (gut microbiota imbalance). 

I was quite open that I didn’t really feel comfortable trying a sugar or prebiotic-fuelled test at that time, given how precarious my health and life position was and my previous reaction to both of those substances. He suggested that since the point of the test is to see if either the sugar or lactulose cook up any bad bacteria and produce gas, and I had already shown a very negative anecdotal reaction to both with associated gas production, he was happy to just prescribe an empirical dose of the antibiotics. 

This is now going back a bit, but as a child I was given a tremendous amount of antibiotics. I am fairly convinced that that is what caused all these issues for me, or was at least the main contributor. So naturally I was a bit wary of another doctor giving me more antibiotics, although I trusted this new one quite a lot. I eventually found online that there is some validation of natural antimicrobial and anti fungal substances being helpful in treating overgrowths and gut dysbiosis, so I decided to explore those options first. They are mostly all formulations of herbal oils and concentrates. It’s the sort of thing I would have been quite skeptical of before all of this started, but at this point I had had so many unexpected negative and positive reactions to different foods, supplements and treatments that I was more or less willing to try anything.

The best validated one is called Candibactin. It’s a combined treatment of mostly Oregano Oil and a Chinese Herb called berberine. I ordered some online and decided to give it a whirl. By my third dose, I was having an extremely intense version of what I experienced when I first took probiotics. Persistent headaches, sweating, lack of appetite, general unwellness and pain. It felt like an extremely intense flu and at some point I felt like I was spiking a fever. I chalked this up to the Herxheimmer reaction again and stuck with it. Once again, by about day 7, the symptoms were still extremely intense and I had to give up on the treatment. Interestingly, although I was in extreme discomfort, my digestion had normalized in this time (I will spare you the description). I didn’t really know what to make of this but it is interesting that the supplements had at least done something. 

Following the experience on the herbal supplement which I had no desire to repeat for the moment, my symptoms somewhat stabilized although didn’t return to what they were prior to starting them. I wouldn’t say I felt notably better or worse but just “different”. I decided it was time to give the pharmaceuticals a go and see if I could tolerate them or if they were helpful in some other way, so I took a two week course of Rifaximin (the drug they give for SIBO). Being on Rifaximin was an extremely painful experience, but not quite as bad as the herbal supplements so I managed to push through it and by the end it had had quite a positive effect on me. I still didn’t feel great after the Rifaximin, and continued to work only part-time, but it had definitely done something. 

Somewhere in here I also commissioned a microbiome stool test, which showed I had a quite significant dysbiosis (low levels of lactobacilli with almost undetectable levels of bifidobacterium, and a strong overgrowth of H2S-producing pathogens). It also showed I had an active H-Pylori infection and extremely poor absorption of fat and other macronutrients. Off the back of it the gastro prescribed me a triple-course of antibiotics to clear the H-Pylori and attributed the poor absorption to persistent SIBO. The triple-therapy for H. Pylori was a horrible experience and I actually ended up in hospital and was told to stop taking one of the drugs (Flagyl / Metronidazole) because it was giving me tinnitus, insomnia and general disorientation, which apparently can be a side effect, but the treatment otherwise worked. 

After this latest course of antibiotics, I was, as before, not in a life-ending position, but my health was still quite bad. I was not accomplishing much at work, and I had essentially no social life. I decided something had to change, so I told my work I would take two months off after Christmas and do whatever I needed to do to solve this thing. The two remaining options I had before me were to try the herbal formulations again, or eat a completely liquid diet for 2-3 weeks to try and starve the pathogenic overgrowth (actually a clinically validated method of treating SIBO).

I first tried a fat-based version of the elemental diet first (most are sugar-based and I didn’t want to test that again), but it caused extremely painful stomach-burning feelings, which apparently can be caused by caprylic acid in the MCT oil it is primarily composed of, and I stopped after two days. After meditating on it for about five days I decided to just re-start the herbal formulations and endure whatever pain it caused me until this thing was hopefully cured. 

So began two years of varied supplementation and antibiotics. I switched off the Candibactin formulation at one point to another called FC-cidal & Dysbiocide, as is recommended to avoid building resistance, although this is less common with the natural products, and also took multiple further courses of Rifaximin as things weren’t progressing as quickly as I’d hoped. The experience was painful but in different ways than it had been the first time around, and also took a lot longer than I expected, although I suppose after 10 years at it that shouldn’t have been surprising. I am not entirely sure why being on the herbals the second time around was less extreme than the first. I don’t know if they were less effective than at the first exposure, or that something about my situation had changed, but it was different in some way. It’s also worth noting that pretty much the whole time I was taking the herbal supplements & Rifaximin I stayed on a Keto or SCD diet (specific carbohydrate diet, basically no starches and reduced carb), although I’ve moved off this in recent months as I’ve started to feel better.

Part IX: Today

Something seems to have worked. I can’t point to it concretely or specifically, I am not a microbiologist or a gastroenterologist, but my life feels so much better now than it did when all this kicked off, and I feel very positive about the future. I am actually back on a 3-month course of Rifaximin that my gastro has prescribed me at the moment to see if we can totally kick the issue, and will probably follow-up with some kind of diet / supplement regimen for some time after that, but either way my symptoms are so much improved by what I've done in the last two years that that feels like a success. I can't say that the problem is gone forever or would never come back but I definitely understand it a lot better and have a lot of tools to make sure that my life doesn't fall apart again like it did those last three times.

I still don’t really know what this all means to me personally. The process of getting better (trying the prebiotic, having my health collapse, taking the various pharmaceutical & herbal antibiotics) almost destroyed me as a person. At some point I had distanced myself almost completely from my job, my girlfriend at the time, most friends and pretty much any semblance of a normal social life or any life at all. For the better part of a year life was really just an existence of suffering every day and hoping to make it to the next one. Despite that, and that of course things always can or could have gone differently, I unfortunately feel as if at a high level I had no other choice. I was completely unwilling to spend the rest of my life living below my full potential of enjoyment, and was always going to do whatever it took to get there. I am sometimes shocked that I managed to survive all of this, but I am here, still living and will try to deal with whatever the experience has done to me in the same way I dealt with the issue itself: by living it, experiencing it day by day, not turning away from it, and knowing that no matter how dark the world can become, so long as you are still here, it is not really over. 

Although the physical symptoms were and have been excruciatingly painful, one of the most difficult things about this whole experience has been the level of misunderstanding and invalidation, both from the medical community and from some friends, family, other personal acquaintances and the general public, around what happened to me. I understand that it is a difficult story to follow, but unfortunately it was all very real and somehow I managed to find a route out of it for now. One day the medical community will figure this out and understand what happened to me and others like me (because they are also out there in very sad corners of the internet - links below), and share it with the world to build our collective understanding and compassion. Until then it is strange to be one of the few people to know all of this and what this experience feels like and has felt like, but I am trying day by day to come closer to people and understand why we aren’t yet equipped as a society to address these kinds issues on multiple fronts. I don’t blame anyone for not understanding what was happening to me, but the few who did and were willing to listen at the time are angels and I’m not sure I would have gotten through it without them.

Eventually I hope I will fully recover from all of this. Physically, mentally, emotionally, because it has touched every aspect of my life over the last twelve years. Until then I am just here living every day in this strange situation of being a survivor of such a horrible, confusing and largely misunderstood problem. 

https://www.reddit.com/r/ibs/comments/jpkol3/how_probiotics_destroyed_my_health_long_storyrant/

[tapisduluxembourg]

Lavage de tapis de soie : Un soin délicat pour une matière précieuse

Les tapis en soie sont des œuvres d'art à part entière. Leur éclat naturel, leur douceur incomparable et leurs motifs raffinés en font des pièces de luxe souvent exposées dans des endroits prestigieux. Toutefois, ces tapis, bien que résistants, requièrent un entretien particulier. Le lavage de tapis de soie n'est pas une tâche ordinaire : il demande des compétences spécifiques et des méthodes adaptées pour préserver la beauté et la longévité de cette matière noble. Chez Tapis du Luxembourg, nous avons développé une expertise artisanale qui garantit un soin optimal pour vos tapis de soie.

Qu'est-ce qui rend les tapis de soie si spéciaux ?

La soie est une fibre naturelle issue des cocons de vers à soie, réputée pour sa finesse, son éclat et sa souplesse. Utilisée depuis des siècles dans la fabrication de tapis de haute qualité, elle confère aux tapis une brillance et une texture incomparables. Les tapis de soie peuvent être fabriqués à partir de soie pure ou d’un mélange de soie et de laine, chacun ayant ses propres spécificités.

Un tapis en soie, en plus de son esthétique luxueuse, se caractérise par une densité de nouage élevée, souvent réalisée à la main. Ce travail minutieux permet d'obtenir des motifs riches en détails, avec une finition lisse et brillante. Cependant, cette délicatesse exige un entretien spécifique, notamment en ce qui concerne le lavage. Un nettoyage inapproprié peut rapidement endommager les fibres et altérer les couleurs, c’est pourquoi il est crucial de faire appel à des experts pour le lavage de ces pièces précieuses.

L'importance d'un lavage professionnel pour les tapis de soie

Le lavage de tapis de soie nécessite une approche douce et mesurée. Contrairement aux tapis en laine ou en fibres synthétiques, les tapis en soie ne tolèrent pas les produits chimiques agressifs, ni les méthodes de nettoyage courantes comme le lavage à la machine. De plus, l’humidité excessive peut affaiblir les fibres de soie, tandis que des frottements trop vigoureux risquent de créer des plis ou d’endommager les motifs.

Chez Tapis du Luxembourg, chaque tapis de soie fait l’objet d’un examen attentif avant toute intervention. Nous évaluons l’état général du tapis, la densité de son nouage, la fragilité des zones usées et la solidité des couleurs. Cette première étape est essentielle pour déterminer la méthode de lavage la plus appropriée, respectant les caractéristiques uniques de chaque pièce.

Méthodes de lavage traditionnelles pour préserver l’éclat des tapis

Parce que la soie est une matière sensible, nous privilégions des méthodes de lavage artisanales qui excluent les produits chimiques agressifs. Nos experts utilisent des nettoyants doux, souvent à base de produits naturels, qui respectent les fibres tout en éliminant la saleté et les impuretés. Le lavage est effectué à la main, avec des brosses spéciales conçues pour nettoyer en profondeur sans abîmer la délicatesse du tissu.

Une attention particulière est portée aux couleurs. Avant chaque lavage, nous testons les teintures du tapis pour nous assurer qu’elles ne se décolorent pas. Le processus de nettoyage est alors ajusté en fonction des résultats, garantissant que le tapis retrouve toute sa fraîcheur sans que ses couleurs vives soient altérées.

Vous souhaitez confier le lavage de votre tapis de soie à des professionnels ? N'hésitez pas à consulter notre service spécialisé en suivant ce lien : https://reparation-tapis.fr/lavage-de-tapis-de-soie/. Nos artisans vous accompagnent tout au long du processus, de l'évaluation à la remise de votre tapis impeccablement nettoyé.

Les erreurs à éviter lors de l'entretien d'un tapis en soie

L’entretien d’un tapis en soie requiert une vigilance particulière. Il est essentiel de connaître les erreurs courantes à éviter pour ne pas nuire à la qualité de ce matériau précieux. Voici quelques conseils pour prolonger la durée de vie de votre tapis de soie :

Évitez les nettoyants chimiques agressifs : Les produits de nettoyage classiques, souvent utilisés pour les tapis en laine ou en fibres synthétiques, contiennent des agents chimiques qui peuvent ternir l'éclat naturel de la soie ou même la détériorer.

Ne frottez pas vigoureusement : En cas de tache, il peut être tentant de frotter le tapis, mais cela peut endommager les fibres. Un nettoyage doux et localisé est toujours préférable.

Évitez l'humidité excessive : Les tapis de soie ne tolèrent pas l'humidité prolongée. Un excès d’eau peut provoquer la formation de moisissures ou affaiblir les fibres.

Protégez le tapis de la lumière directe du soleil : L’exposition prolongée aux rayons UV peut entraîner une décoloration des motifs. Il est recommandé de placer le tapis dans une zone où il est partiellement protégé de la lumière.

Pourquoi choisir tapis du Luxembourg pour le lavage de votre tapis de soie ?

Confier le lavage de votre tapis de soie à Tapis du Luxembourg garantit un traitement adapté et respectueux de cette matière noble. Nos artisans possèdent une expertise unique, acquise au fil des années, dans le nettoyage et la restauration des tapis les plus délicats. En optant pour des méthodes artisanales et naturelles, nous assurons un nettoyage en profondeur qui respecte l’intégrité de chaque fibre.

Notre service propose également une évaluation complète de l’état de votre tapis avant toute intervention. Un devis détaillé vous est fourni, et vous restez informé à chaque étape du processus. Nous savons combien ces pièces peuvent avoir de la valeur, qu’elle soit financière ou sentimentale, et c’est pourquoi nous mettons un point d’honneur à offrir un service personnalisé et de qualité.