#felt like i was working a 9-5 with a deadline

[bl-inkstone]

the ghost of my christmas past is me sitting down in front of my laptop for over 10 hours to write a 5k+ wc companion fic to my friend's own oc-centric fic after not writing anything more than 1k words for over a year

[snowysosturn]

Allies or Affiliates? - Chris Sturniolo

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14

Pairing : Y/n x Chris Sturniolo

Summary : Law student Y/n’s life takes a turn when she reconnects with Chris, her brief teenage flame who is now a dealer for a dangerous Boston drug gang. As their bond reignites, Y/n is drawn into Chris’s tumultuous world, where rival gangs clash and loyalty is everything. Balancing her love for Chris with her own ambitions, can their connection survive the chaos that threatens to pull them apart?

Warnings : MDNI, Mentions of drugs, mentions of murder

A/N: Although this is FICTION I want to make it clear how serious getting involved with anything to do with drugs can be, and how hard it can be to get out of it and in no way am I trying to glorify it.

The clock read 5:03 PM as I stepped out of the front door of Boston University, the autumn sky painted in soft streaks of pink and orange. The campus buzzed with the usual energy on a Friday - students rushing to home to get ready for weekend parties, some chatting in small groups on the lawns, while others sped off on bikes or scurried to catch the next bus. Boston was always alive, but there was a kind of comfort in the routine of it all, a sense of order in the chaos.

I pulled my coat tighter around me, the early October chill creeping in as I started walking. It had been a long day, a long week, really. Law school wasn’t a joke. Between the hours of lectures, the mountains of assignments, and the never ending reading list, I felt like I was constantly drowning in work. Sometimes, it felt like I barely had time to breathe, let alone catch up with my friends or even sleep. But tonight, I had made an exception. I was heading to my best friend Willow’s place for some much needed relaxation and a good catch up.

Willow had been my best friend for as long as I could remember. We grew up together, practically sisters. Our families had always been close, bonded by the same comfortable, though not extravagant, wealth. We weren’t the type of rich that screamed excess, but our lives had always been comfortable, easy. Willow and I never talked much about that, though, it was just an unspoken part of our lives, something we both understood without needing to mention.

After taking a short subway journey, I made my way through the familiar streets toward her apartment, I felt the weight of the week slowly starting to lift off my shoulders. Willow’s place was always my safe haven, bringing me back memories of when my family also lived in Beacon Hill. A place where I could let my guard down and forget about the endless deadlines, the pressure to perform, and the expectations that came with law school. Tonight, I needed that more than ever.

When I reached her apartment building, Willow was already at the door, waving at me with a bright smile. She was wrapped in a chunky knit sweater, her hair laid perfectly, and she looked as warm and inviting as ever.

“Took you long enough” she teased as I walked up the steps.

I rolled my eyes, grinning. “Blame the professors. They think we’re machines.”

“Ah I’m only messing” she said, stepping aside to let me in. “I’ve got wine ready. You need it.”

“I’m not arguing with that” I replied, stepping inside and shrugging off my coat. The warmth of her apartment immediately hit me, and I sighed in relief. It was always so homey here, the soft glow of the candles she had lit casting flickering shadows on the walls. Willow’s place had this calm, peaceful vibe that was the exact opposite of the chaos in my life right now.

“So” she began, handing me a glass of white wine mixed with lemonade to (you know to make it sweeter) as we settled onto the couch, “What’s the latest? How’s law school treating you?”

I groaned, taking a sip of the alcoholic concoction before answering. “I don’t know why yous ever let me decide to become a lawyer” I laughed.  “I feel like I’m constantly drowning in assignments and then I’m up to my ears in readings, and don’tttttt even get me started on work. I’ve been spending so much time at my mom’s bridal studio, I swear its like every woman in Boston is getting married this year.”

Willow chuckled, shaking her head. “I don’t know how you do it. I’d lose my mind.”

“I’m hanging on by a thread. But it’ll be worth it. I hope.” I said rolling my eyes.

“It will” she said confidently, raising her glass. “You’re going to be an amazing lawyer one day. I can already see it.”

“From your lips to god's ears” I laughed, clinking my glass with hers. “But yeah, I’ve got to sit in on a court hearing on Monday. Kind of like an observation. We’re supposed to get a feel for how things work in the courtroom.”

Willow looked impressed. “That sounds intense. Are you nervous?”

“A little” I admitted. “I’ve never actually been inside a courtroom before. You think I would've already 3 years into law school, like it’s one thing to read about cases and watch the news, but it’s another to actually be there, seeing it all unfold.”

She nodded thoughtfully, taking another sip of her wine. “You’ll do fine. You always do. Just remember, you’re smarter than you give yourself credit for.”

I smiled, feeling the tension in my shoulders start to ease. “Thanks, Willow. I needed that.”

We talked for a little while longer, catching up on the little things, what she’d been up to, how her week had gone, the usual chatter that always seemed to flow so easily between us. I could feel myself relaxing, the stress of the week slowly melting away with each sip of wine.

Eventually, I reached for my phone and connected it to her TV, letting some music play softly in the background. After a few songs, “Everybody Dies In Their Nightmares” by XXXTENTACION started to play.

“Oh my god, I haven’t heard this song since, like, 2018!” Willow said, laughing as she set down her wine glass. “This reminds me of Nate Doe, he showed it to me. I haven’t heard about him in years.”

Her words sparked something deep in my memory, and suddenly, a flood of thoughts hit me. “Oh my god who was friends with Chris Sturniolo. Where the hell did he go?”

Willow’s eyes lit up in recognition. “Chris! Oh my God, he was such a sweetheart!”

“I know, right?” I said, leaning forward in my seat. “Do you remember we used to talk all the time during summer 2018? How he’d walk all the way across Boston just to hang out with me. I had such a soft spot for him.”

Willow smiled, leaning back against the couch cushions. “Oh my god yes! He was so good looking at the time too.. Do you remember how he and Nate were inseparable? They were always together.”

“Yeah” I nodded, my mind spinning with memories. “Nate had this tough exterior, but Chris.. Chris was just a genuinely good guy. I wonder what happened to him.”

We both fell silent for a moment, lost in our thoughts. Nate had always seemed a little rough around the edges, coming from a background that was a bit more complicated than ours. But somehow, he managed to keep it together. Chris, though, he was different. He was kind in a way that stuck with you, the type of person who made you feel like you mattered.

Without even realizing it, I pulled out my phone and started scrolling through old messages with Chris. “I wonder if he’s still around” I said, more to myself than to Willow.

She glanced over at me, intrigued. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t know..” I shrugged. “I just haven’t thought about him in so long. I’m curious.. I really do hope he’s doing okay.”

Curiosity got the better of both of us, and soon enough, we were deep diving into our old messages on Facebook Messenger of all things. We laughed as we scrolled through the innocent conversations between us, Nathan, and Chris, back when everything seemed simpler, easier. There was something sweet about it, something that reminded me of a time when life wasn’t so complicated.

I eventually clicked onto Chris’s profile, but my heart sank a little when I saw it. “Weird” I muttered, frowning at my phone screen.

“What’s up?” Willow asked, glancing over at me.

“He unfriended me” I said, scrolling through his profile. “And there’s nothing here. No posts, no profile picture.. everything’s wiped. He only has like 20 friends on here now.”

Willow raised an eyebrow. “Seriously?”

“Yeah..” I said, showing her my phone. “It’s like he disappeared off the face of the earth.”

Willow shrugged, sipping her wine. “Maybe he’s just gone off the grid. People do that sometimes. I mean, I only keep Facebook for Messenger these days anyway.”

“True” I muttered, though something about it felt... off. “I just wonder what happened to him. It’s like he vanished.”

“Maybe it’s no big deal” Willow said, trying to reassure me. “People change. They move on.”

“Yeah, I guess” I said, though I couldn’t shake the nagging feeling that something wasn’t quite right.

As we continued scrolling through old conversations, laughing at the silly messages we used to send as 15 year olds, I found myself thinking more and more about Chris. He had been such a big part of my life for that brief time, and now, it felt like he was a ghost, someone who had been there, but now was completely gone.

After a couple more glasses of wine and plenty of laughs, Willow and I decided to call it a night. It was almost midnight, and the weight of the week was starting to hit me. We didn’t even bother clearing the table, just left the wine glasses and half empty bottle as they were, and headed to bed.

The next morning, I woke up earlier than I’d planned. It was barely 7am, and sunlight streamed in through the sheer curtains, casting a soft glow across the room. I stretched, yawned, and checked my phone – no new notifications, except for a reminder that I had to open the bridal shop today.

Willow was still fast asleep when I slipped out of her apartment, but that was no surprise. She was always a late riser. Beacon Hill was quiet this early, the cobblestone streets almost deserted, with only a few people out for their morning walks. You could see my breath in the crisp morning air as I headed toward the bridal shop in downtown Boston, deciding to stop for a coffee along the way.

As I made my way down Charles Street, I noticed something out of place for this hour of the morning. A cluster of police cars parked near the corner, their flashing lights reflecting off the surrounding buildings. There were officers standing around, talking in low voices, and a small crowd of people who seemed to be watching from a distance.

I couldn’t help but feel curious. What had happened? What was going on in these people’s lives, right under my nose, that I had no clue about? The thought lingered with me as I ordered my usual oat milk cappuccino and continued on my way.

It was strange how life worked. One minute, everything seemed normal – people going about their routines, living their lives – and the next, something like this happened. Something that could change everything. And soon enough, I’d be on the other side of that. Potentially defending people in situations just like this, trying to piece together what had happened and why. It made me wonder if I was really ready for that kind of responsibility.

I got to the bridal shop and unlocked the door and went through my usual opening routine. The shop had a certain charm to it, and I’d expect nothing less from my mom. Elegant white dresses hanging on racks, soft lighting bouncing off the delicate lace and silk, the smell of freshly brewed coffee mixing with the faint scent of roses. Mom had impeccable taste when it came to design, and it showed in every corner of the shop.

After turning on the lights and setting everything up, I put on the radio like I always did. The shop wouldn’t open for another fifteen minutes, so I had some time to kill. The thought of Chris floated back into my mind as I leaned against the counter, doom scrolling through Instagram.

Maybe Instagram was my best bet for reconnecting with him. Facebook had been a bust, everything was wiped there, but maybe his Instagram account would offer something more. I just wanted to know what he looked like now at least.

I typed his name into the search bar and found him easily enough. @christophersturniolo. My heart skipped a beat when I saw his profile, and funnily enough I was already following him, must have been from years ago. But that feeling quickly faded when I realized it was just as ghostly as his Facebook. Only two posts, both from 2018. No profile picture. Nothing else. It was like he had disappeared from the internet, or at least from any part of it that was publicly accessible.

I clicked into the first post, squinting at the photo. It was a shot of him and a couple of other guys, standing pool side which looked like Nate’s back garden, if I could remember correctly. They were all grinning, arms slung around each other’s shoulders. I was about to scroll down when something on the radio caught my attention.

“…another victim in the ongoing feud between the Crimson Cartel and the H Block gangs. The man, whose identity is being withheld until the family is notified, but is said to be apart of the H Block gang, was found dead on Charles Street late last night in what police believe to be a gang related hit. Authorities are urging anyone with information to come forward…”

I froze, my thumb hovering over the screen of my phone as the news report continued.

The Crimson Cartel. I’d heard of them before, everyone had. They were one of the biggest gangs in Boston, notorious for their drug trafficking and violent turf wars. And now, it seemed like things were escalating again, another life lost to the senseless cycle of crime and violence.

It was awful. The idea that people could get dragged into something like that just to make ends meet, that they could lose themselves to drugs or crime, it always hit me hard. Maybe it was because I’d led such a different life, a life of relative privilege, that it felt so distant. But now, with everything I was learning in law school, it didn’t feel so distant anymore. One day, I’d probably be defending people caught up in situations like this, people who made bad decisions, sure, but who were still human, who still deserved a chance.

I shook my head, pulling myself out of my thoughts. I glanced down at my phone, intending to close out of Instagram, but then I noticed something that made my heart skip a beat.

The little heart icon beneath Chris’s post… it was red.

Did I just like that? My stomach dropped. I must’ve tapped it without realizing while I was distracted by the radio. Panic surged through me as I scrambled to unlike the post, but the damage was already done.

Chris would get a notification. He’d know I’d liked his post from 2018, after all this time, after years of no contact. What would he think? Would he even care? A million thoughts raced through my head, but there was no taking it back now.

I stood there for a moment, staring at my phone screen in disbelief. What had I just done?

A/n: ooooooo first part im exciteddddd, im hoping to have a posting schedule of Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. But that may vary week to week depending how busy I am<3

taglist: @mattybearnard @sturn-33 @ncm9696 @yourfavsturniologirl @crazy4jewel @sodakid1234 @stupendoustreewinner @lovealwayssturniolos @matthewsturniolosss @m4ttsmunch @loveexxx @ilusa @starkeyszn @wonnieeluvvr @dylnblue @valxrieq @maggot3647 @cigarettecemetary @ribread03 @chrisstvrns @bandasaruswrx @noplaceissafeanymore @amexiass @witchofthehour @mattssgf @jetaimevous @v33angel @ivysturnss @urmom69lol @ashlishes @watercolorskyy @sturnioloshottiekay @amelia-sturniolo3 @imjusthereforthesturniolosmut @pvssychicken @alizestvrnss @lvrsturniolo

[coqhee]

ETA TO YOUR HEART 𓂃 박성훈

✷ in a fast-paced city, your laid-back life as a receptionist takes a turn when you meet sunghoon, a busy photographer always on the go, making him question whether to keep chasing success or take a chance on love.

photographer sunghoon︲fem reader ︲fluff, angst (sorta), strangers to lovers, city romance, opposites attract, colleague! reader, okokok + lalala dynamic, slow burn, he falls first and harder︲pet names, cursing, grammar errors︲15k / more

2ND EMAIL IN TO: YOUR HEART COLLECTION

─── ♡

you would think PARK SUNGHOON, a world-renowned photographer for his works of the beauty of cityscapes at night, would have an artistic view of life. to slow down a view of life for its beauty—one that encourages slowing down to appreciate beauty. quite the opposite for him though.

one day to another, he’s analyzed what gets people’s emotions going and what photos may move them. as long as he can write the meaning behind his photos well, it’s bound to be successful.

what began as a heartfelt hobby has turned into a rigid 9-to-5 routine, stripping away the passion that once fueled his work.

finally, he’s back in his hometown… for work. what is supposed to only be a year-long contract for his new exhibit in partnership with your gallery, turns out to be an even longer contract to your heart.

when sunghoon sees you, there's no sparks, there's no ‘love at first sight’. it’s just two people meeting for the first time, who happen to be falling in love in their own –patient and impatient– ways.

as you interact, you begin to uncover layers within one another. neither of you is fully aware of the heartstrings being intertwined, but the potential for connection is there.

it’s a slow whirlwind of discovery. both patient and hesitant, you navigate your feelings, each step bringing you closer to an unexpected bond.

sunghoon’s cold exterior slowly starts to thaw. as you share laughter and stories, he begins to show glimpses of warmth.

you realize that maybe he isn’t as unreachable as you once thought. with every interaction, a bond forms, slowly but surely, leading to unexpected possibilities.

─── ♡

sunghoon was exhausted beyond belief. rightfully so–he’s spent the last 6 months in 9 different countries capturing the mesmerizing beauty of cities. the view in each city displaying diverse vibrancy of their cultures through their architecture.

from tokyo, to new york city, istanbul to new delhi…the views were undeniable of their beauty.

while the photos were stunning, the toll on him was undeniable

going city to city at a rate that felt like a blur, he barely even had time to realize that he was thrown into a year-long contract in his hometown. it had only dawned on him at the airport after he had boarded the plane.

whilst his plan originally was to sleep, it seemed it wasn’t an option with his agent texting him not long after.

soobin: to answer your question earlier, yes, you must stay for the full year as per the contract. i thought this exhibition would be fitting for you as it’s your hometown. your works haven’t felt the same and the company thought this would be good for inspiration. [attatchment: 1 image] read 7:41 am

sunghoon sighed, a wave of relief washing over him as he stared at the message. a full year in one place—his hometown, no less. the idea of staying still for a while felt strange, almost foreign, after the constant whirlwind of travel.

his body craved rest, but his mind was still wired, thinking about deadlines, compositions, and the weight of the upcoming exhibit.

landing back home felt strange. the city hadn’t changed much, but it felt different to him now. maybe it was the exhaustion, or maybe it was the weight of knowing he couldn’t just hop on the next flight out like he had for the past six months.

it wasn’t that he hated constantly being on the move—he actually thrived in the fast pace, always craving something new and exciting in his life. but this? he was worn out.

so that’s how he came to be standing in front of the new gallery back home having no time to stop home before.

it should’ve felt comfortable, and inviting, but it felt like a whole different world from the building that had stood there before when he was growing up.

“hi! how can i help you?” your voice welcome cutting through the loud air conditioning that had let him space out.

“hi, i think i’m supposed to be the new photographer working with the gallery. my agent, soobin, should have sent over the documents, including the contract,” he said, his tone distant. you noticed the lack of warmth in his voice—it wasn’t rude, but it was reserved, almost detached. still, you brushed it off with a welcoming smile.

“right, yes. your liaison reached out to me about that,” you replied, keeping your voice light. “me and the team were so excited to meet you! lets go meet them?” you motioned for him to follow holding a bright smile, noting his subtle nod in response, and guided him down the hallway to the meeting room where the team was waiting to welcome their new photographer for the year.

sunghoon followed you down the hallway, his eyes flicking around the gallery as they walked. the space was calm, filled with soft echoes of quiet conversation and the faint scent of coffee, and he could almost feel himself unwind in the stillness.

your presence caught his attention again as they led him, weaving through the gallery with a practiced ease. there was something about their calmness and patience that felt oddly magnetic, not even in a romantic way.

for someone who thrived on the thrill of chaos and constant change, seeing someone so comfortable in this kind of tranquility was almost… foreign.

you opened the door to a small room with a meeting table and some chairs surrounding it with people already occupying some.

“here we have jay, who’s going to be your liaison for this project,” you smiled, gesturing to the man who offered a friendly, albeit reserved, smile—warmer than sunghoon’s, at least.

“jake, who’s going to be your assistant, mostly,” you continued, nodding toward the cheerful face beside jay, “so anything you need, just let him know.”

“and lastly, we have minjeong, sunoo, and me, who are going to be your general support team,” you finished, flashing a warm smile. “us 3 directly work with the gallery as our job so we’ll know the most, and we’ll just help with logistics, planning, and anything else you might need,”

sunghoon nodded, taking in each face as he quickly assessed the group. they seemed friendly enough, and even though he was already feeling the weight of this project, the team’s easy-going energy made him feel just a little more at ease.

of course, he couldn’t let down his professional barrier despite the comfortable informal energy in the room.

sunghoon nodded slowly, taking in each face as he mentally sized up the team. it was a lot to remember, but he figured he’d get the hang of it soon enough. his eyes flicked back to you as you continued.

“we’re all really excited to see what you bring to the gallery,” you added, looking around at the others, who nodded in agreement.

jay, added in with a friendly grin. “yeah, we’re here to make your life easier, not harder. whatever you need, we’ve got you.”

jake chimed in, giving sunghoon a nod. “yep, seriously—no request is too small, so don’t be shy about letting us know, even if it’s outside of work bounds,” he winked.

minjeong laughed and nudged him. “okay, but let’s not get carried away—we’re not that generous!” she teased, earning a light slap on the shoulder from sunoo.

“fine, fine,” she relented with a grin, “you can tell us anything. within reason!”

“thank you. i appreciate it,” he finally spoke up still processing the overload of information.

“well, i think we can wrap this up here, i’m sure you’re tired so let’s talk more tomorrow and get some inspiration going, i’ll just get y/n to send me your number later,” jay smiled taking notice of everyone’s mood and how despite how chipper everyone sounded, they were tired.

everyone nodded in agreement, grabbing their bags and leaving the room one by one until it was just you and sunghoon. you both looked around feeling the awkward tension in the air.

“let us know if you need anything at all,” you said with a smile, adjusting your bag on your shoulder before turning to leave.

“um.. i don’t think i have your number,” sunghoon called out, his voice barely above a murmur as he looked down, almost like he was second-guessing whether to speak up.

“oh shoot i completely forgot, here,” you said with a laugh, reaching into your bag. pulling out your phone, you opened your contacts and handed it to him. “just go ahead and put your number in, and i’ll text you so you have mine, too.” he nodded in response and quickly gave back your phone and watched as you turned to leave the room again.

“uh, y/n… wait,” he spoke out once again.

you paused, glancing back over your shoulder and then stepping back into the room, catching his eye. “yeah?” you asked gently, waiting for him to say whatever was on his mind.

sunghoon shifted, his fingers brushing the edge of his bag as he searched for the right words. “thank you… for being so welcoming,” he said, his tone quiet but sincere.

your face softened, and you nodded with a warm smile. “of course. it’s good to have you here, sunghoon,” you replied. “i’ll be around if you need anything, okay?”

he nodded, watching as you disappeared down the hall, the warmth of your kindness lingering with him as he stood there, feeling just a bit more at ease in this unfamiliar place.

he went home that night feeling a sense of completion despite it being a small task, the drive home taking in the cold air from the night.

─── ♡

back at your apartment, you tossed your bag onto the couch, replaying the day’s events in your mind. you couldn’t shake the thought of sunghoon’s demeanor—so distant, almost icy.

you’d met your fair share of artists, some a little standoffish, but something about him felt different. did he hate every second of being there? or worse, was it something about you? had you come off too friendly? too casual?

you sighed, running a hand through your hair. “no, it couldn’t be,” you muttered to yourself. it had just been introductions. still, the questions lingered in your mind, stubbornly refusing to quiet.

as much as you hated overthinking, it was a habit that came back all too easily. you’d tried to be warm, welcoming, like always. maybe he was just tired from his travels—jet-lagged, exhausted. yeah, that was probably it, you reassured yourself, though part of you didn’t fully believe it.

the next morning, you walked into the gallery, coffee in hand, ready to start the day. as you set up at the front desk, your eyes wandered toward the hallway leading to the studio space, where sunghoon would likely be working today. you couldn’t help but wonder if he’d look as tired as he did yesterday or if he might be a little more at ease now that he’d had a night to settle in.

“morning!” a cheerful voice snapped you out of your thoughts. you looked up to see jake, grinning as he dropped his bag by the desk. “guess who spent the morning looking for the memory card he left in his jacket pocket?”

you laughed, grateful for the distraction. “niiiice one. was it at least the last jacket you checked?”

he groaned, shaking his head. “third jacket. honestly, it’s like i’m living in a game of hide-and-seek with my stuff.”

before you could respond, the sound of footsteps drew your attention down the hallway. there was sunghoon, camera bag slung over his shoulder, his expression unreadable as he scanned the room. when his eyes met yours, he gave a brief nod—still as reserved as ever.

“good morning, sunghoon,” you called, offering a warm smile.

“morning,” he replied, his tone polite but distant, and you couldn’t help but feel a bit like you were back at square one. but before the familiar spiral of overthinking could start, jay’s voice broke through.

“alrighty i was thinking instead of starting with photos today, we should just do some team bonding,” said jay.

jay said, a mischievous grin spreading across his face.

you glanced over, amused. “team bonding? i don’t think that was in the contract,” you teased.

jay laughed. “hey, we’re a team for a whole year—might as well get to know each other, right? besides, it’s the best way to break the ice.” he looked pointedly at sunghoon. “especially with some of us who like to keep things, let’s say… professional.”

sunghoon raised an eyebrow, clearly unsure where this was going. “uh… what exactly did you have in mind?” he asked, cautious but curious.

“don’t worry,” jay said with a reassuring grin. “just a coffee run to start, and then we’ll hang out in the lounge. maybe play some card games or something. nothing intense. just a chance to relax and actually talk to each other as people, not just job titles.”

jake chimed in, looking thrilled. “i’m in! plus, we get to introduce sunghoon to the best coffee in town.”

“come on, sunghoon,” you said, feeling a bit braver now, “just think of it as a warm-up to the year.”

sunghoon hesitated, but he finally gave a small nod. “alright,” he said, a faint smile breaking through. “i’ll give it a shot.”

minjeong pumped her fist in victory, high-fiving sunoo in the process. “that’s what i’m talking about!”

as you all headed out together, you couldn’t help but feel hopeful. maybe, just maybe, this was a step closer to breaking through that cold exterior.

the six of you walked closer to the coffee shop, with lively chatter with sunghoon making little to no contributions to the conversation unless he was called out by name.

honestly, you weren’t sure if he was rude, nervous, tired, or what. it took you by surprise.

meanwhile, sunghoon was quietly taking in the easy camaraderie around him. he wasn’t used to work environments that felt… well, less like work.

it’s not that he hated it either, it was just, different. in a good way, at least for him.

“y/n, sunghoon, why don’t you go get us a table we’ll order for you guys,” sunoo chirped out pulling open the door to the cafe.

“sure thing! just get me the mocha cream latte, hoon, you want anything?” you asked, flashing him a friendly smile.

pause. hoon?

the nickname had slipped out before you even realized it—something you’d been calling him in your head but hadn’t planned to say aloud. you felt a wave of embarrassment, surprised at yourself, while he looked almost unfazed.

“uh, just an americano, thanks,” sunghoon replied, his tone curt but polite, as if the nickname hadn’t thrown him off in the slightest.

sunoo smiled giving a thumbs up, as he continued chatting with the rest of the team, while you and sunghoon went to find an open table.

“sorry if the nickname made you uncomfortable, i won’t call you it if you don’t want me to,” you apologized meekly.

sunghoon raised an eyebrow, his expression softening just a bit. “it’s fine,” he replied, a faint smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “i don’t mind it,”

the unexpected response took you by surprise, and you couldn’t help but smile back, feeling a little more at ease. for a moment, his guarded demeanor seemed to fade, replaced by something almost approachable.

“good,” you said, relaxing as you leaned back. “because i didn’t even realize i’d been calling you that in my head until it slipped out.”

shit.

stop talking.

stop saying that you were thinking about him outside of work you freak.

stop word vomiting.

sunghoon chuckled lightly, and for the first time, it felt like a small barrier between you had started to lift, unfazed by you mentioning that you were thinking about him to even have a nickname.

“so, any ideas for the gallery and what you’re going to try to capture this time? i’ve looked at some of your works from your portfolio and it’s an extensive list of cities,”

sunghoon looked up, his gaze softening thoughtfully. “honestly, i’m still working it out,” he admitted, his fingers tracing absent patterns on the table. “i’ve spent so long capturing cityscapes, architecture, the whole atmosphere of a place. but now… i’m starting to wonder if it’s lost its meaning somehow. people say my work feels distant.”

his words surprised you; they were thoughtful, a bit vulnerable even. “so, a new chapter then huh,” you said with a small nod, understanding his new direction. “sounds like a big shift.”

“yeah,” he agreed, the faintest hint of a smile appearing. “new territory. and it feels… strange, honestly,”

there was a quiet pause as you took in his words. “well, if you ever need a guide to get the real feel of the city, or even a coffee break buddy, i’m just at the front desk,” you offered, smiling.

sunghoon met your gaze, and his expression softened for the first time. “thank you,”.

you watched as sunghoon pulled out a paper calendar and quickly scribbled something on the todo list side of it looking satisfied at yourself.

“drinks are here!” minjeong cheered, balancing three cups as she handed you and sunghoon your orders.

“thank you,” you smiled, reaching up to grab the cup from her hands and taking a sip. the hot liquid gold instantly warming your soul with the familiar taste.

“alright, so here’s the idea,” jake said, leaning forward. “jay and i thought we’d visit some of the classic spots around the city to get things going for the first few months, see if anything sparks that inspiration. what do you guys think?” you nodded as he looked around the table, looking for approval.

everyone else nodded, i mean it’s not like anyone else had other plans to get this project kick-started.

sunghoon looked taken aback, not even in an offensive way. “oh, i thought we were going to get to shooting test photos, and get the photos for this gallery done fast,”

“oh cmon, let’s get a good feel for the city, get some quality inspiration,” minjeong piped up. which sunghoon nodded reluctantly.

“great, we’ll start with the arcade today and then work from there,” jay concluded sipping his drink. sunoo looked the most delighted out of everyone there, the arcade being one of his favorite places.

sunghoon, who had been mostly quiet, raised an eyebrow. “an arcade?”

“yep,” sunoo chimed in, practically buzzing. “trust me, it’s the perfect mix of chaos and color. it might actually surprise you. plus, who doesn’t like a little fun between all the serious stuff?”

sunghoon thought for a moment, his expression softening with a glimmer of interest. “alright,” he said finally, “guess it wouldn’t hurt to see what all the fuss is about.”

as everyone finished up their drinks, the energy in the group seemed to pick up, each person eager to shake off the weight of routine and get a fresh start together.

jay cracked a joke, prompting laughs, while jake started a mini debate with sunoo over the best arcade games.

you glanced at sunghoon, who was watching the easy camaraderie with a relaxed expression. he didn’t say much, but you noticed the way he took everything in, like he was warming up to the idea of this more laid-back team dynamic.

with the drinks finished and everyone’s spirits high, you all filed out of the café, ready to kick off the day’s adventure.

as you walked alongside him, you caught sunghoon glancing at you with a faint smile, and for the first time, you felt the start of something different—something unspoken but promising.

─── ♡

“okay, which game first?” sunoo wondered, his eyes wide as he took in the room full of flashing lights and the hum of arcade sounds.

“wait—where did jake and jay go?” minjeong asked, whipping her head around, scanning the noise filled room.

“i think they went to go play some racing game,” you commented recalling watching the two run off like children despite. minjeong rolled her eyes in disappointment and groaned.

“typical,” minjeong muttered, crossing her arms. “leave it to them to ditch us at the first sight of a car game.”

“well, we don’t need them! let’s go play this fishing game,” sunoo exclaimed already making his way over to the machine. the three of you followed sunoo over as he excitedly swiped his card in both spots and patted the seat next to him.

you reluctantly sat down and enjoyed the game with him switching off with minjeong halfway through.

you were getting thirsty however and went to the food court to see whatever drinks they had and maybe some snacks along the way. sunoo seemed excited to continue playing though to which you encouraged, telling him you’d be back shortly.

as you were walking away, you noticed sunghoon following you awkwardly shifting step step.

“didn’t want to play any games?” you asked.

“uh, no not really,” he responded

you nodded, offering him a small smile. "well, maybe you just haven’t found the right game," you teased lightly, hoping to ease some of his quietness.

he chuckled faintly, looking down. "i think i’m more of an observer in places like this. it’s very…lively," he admitted, glancing around at the buzz of the arcade.

you reached the food court, scanning the menu of drinks. "anything catch your eye? i’m thinking maybe a soda… or a lemon slushie if i’m feeling adventurous," you mused, sneaking a glance at him.

sunghoon’s lips curved slightly. "maybe just water. but you should go for the slushie,” he said, eyes glinting a bit. “it seems… you."

surprised by his answer, you chuckled. "oh, you think so?"

he shrugged, an almost smile on his face. "yeah, it’s very bright, like you,"

“oh. thank you,” you weren’t quite sure if you should be flattered or what. you’ve never had someone compare you to…a slushie.

as you fumbled through your pockets, trying to remember where you’d stashed your card, you looked up to find sunghoon already tapping his.

“oh—you didn’t have to do that,” you chuckled softly, surprised but grateful.

he shrugged with a small smile. “it’s nothing. i don’t mind.”

you both found a spot to sit, settling into a quiet moment as you sipped your slushie. your mind wandered over the day’s events, piecing together small moments, a growing familiarity. finally, you broke the silence.

“so, what’s on your calendar?” you asked, hoping to draw him into a conversation.

“whatever you all have planned,” he replied with a faint grin. “i’m just here to take the photos.”

“no, i mean the one you were looking at earlier in the café,” you said, a smile tugging at your lips. “it looked pretty packed.”

he paused, caught off guard, glancing down. “oh. well… i keep track of things to make time for the important stuff,” he muttered, then looked up, adding a bit sheepishly, “like… i guess, paying you back.”

“paying me back? for what?” you scoffed not seeing any reason to.

his gaze softened, and he seemed to choose his words carefully. “for being… you,”

a beat of silence hung between you. did he realize how much that sounded like more than small talk?

“thank you, i think,” you managed, feeling a blush warm your cheeks. “we should get back, though. i’m almost done with this.”

“right, of course,” he agreed, standing up beside you, his tone quiet but holding a warmth that lingered as you walked back together.

naturally, just as you’d set your mind on one thing, it didn’t take long to get sidetracked. not that you minded; you enjoyed letting life pull you in whatever direction it chose, figuring it was all some twist of fate.

the flashing “$1 per play” sign on a crane machine caught your eye, drawing you in before you even realized, and before you knew it, you were standing at the controls, card swiped, joystick in hand.

among the jumbled colors and shapes, one prize stood out—a small, perfectly plump penguin plush with big, round eyes and tiny flippers folded at its sides, nestled among other plushies, half-buried but calling to you, almost daring you to try your luck.

the atmosphere was so immersive you blocked nearly everything else in the world. it was just you and that stupid little penguin plush. you took a deep breath, adjusting your stance. guiding the joystick forward, you carefully lined up the claw, your eyes focused on that one penguin. its beady eyes seemed to taunt you, and you couldn’t help but smile at the thrill of it.

you saw the timer tick down slowly feeling pressured. you hit the red button, watching the claw descend with a soft whirr. it clamped down, and for a second, you thought you’d actually done it. the penguin was in the claw’s grasp, hanging by a thread of fabric, and your heart leapt as the claw lifted it into the air.

feeling excited you watched anticipatorily as it started to bring it over only to drop it, bouncing off the chute.

but hey! you were never one to give up, and so you swiped again. just one more time wouldn't hurt.

and then one more swipe turned into two more.

and then three more.

and then four more.

honestly, you were going to continue swiping until you got it if it weren’t for hoon’s voice breaking your focus.

“are you… sure you want to keep going?” he asked, a slight hesitation in his voice, like he didn’t want to disrupt your focus.

“i have to! i need to get it, it just looks too much like you for me to pass over it,”.

oh.

you weren’t supposed to say THAT much.

“here let me try,” he suggested, as you handed your card for him to swipe.

you watched as he expertly maneuvered the joystick, barely hesitating before pressing the button. the claw dropped, grasping the penguin plush cleanly on the first try, lifting it without a hitch.

he turned to you, holding out the plush with a small, almost smug smile. “here,” he said simply, “guess this one was meant for you.”

“if i’m being honest, i was trying to win it for you,” you admitted, a little defeated. “guess you beat me to it, though.”

sunghoon smiled, a bit unsure. “well, now you’ve got a little something to remember me by… or, you know, this whole project.”

you chuckled, holding up the plush, poking it playfully. “guess i’ll call him hoon jr. real original, huh?”

you gave the plush a gentle squeeze, feeling the soft fabric under your fingers as you took in its tiny stitched eyes and outstretched wings. it was surprisingly comforting, and for a moment, you let yourself enjoy the quiet warmth of the small gesture.

the flashing arcade lights cast a warm glow around the both of you, creating a rare pause in the day’s chaos.

sunghoon shifted beside you, hands in his pockets, his usual reserved expression softened slightly. the two of you stood there, surrounded by the buzz and hum of the arcade, sharing a moment that felt like it was only meant for you—no cameras, no rush, just the quiet reminder of something a little more than the upcoming work.

─── ♡

the world was changing around him as he knew it. not only the change of leaves falling down and the temperature moving to a frigid feeling, but time itself.

the next couple months were…slow. a lot slower than sunghoon had anticipated. he was used to being on a time crunch.

the calendar he had once been using every day to remind himself of the many little details of his day, week to week was for once blank. only an occasional scribble remained every once in a while.

each week brought a new adventure, like wandering the shorelines on a beach day, toes buried in sand, or hopping from one coffee shop to another, scoring each drink for its flavor and warmth.

you all loved a good thrift hunt too, diving into racks of vintage tees, worn-in jeans, and forgotten books, each item telling a story as unique as the one you were all building together.

sunghoon recalled to how you basically picked a large majority of his new closet from there, smiling cheerfully as you forced him to try on things. he couldn’t lie, he liked your attention.

then there were the farmer’s markets, where you’d stroll through stands bursting with color—bright red strawberries, golden honey, baskets of earthy greens. sunghoon couldn’t deny that the warm pastries, fresh-baked and dusted with sugar, were growing on him.

for sunghoon, it was all foreign territory.

relaxing didn’t come naturally to him—he was used to constant movement, ticking clocks, and deadlines. he’d never lingered over a latte just to talk or sifted through racks at a thrift store for the fun of it.

“i was thinking to wrap up this…research,” jay started. all of you knew you were just friends hanging out til that point, no actual work being done, but hey! team bonding is important. “we should head to the city hall and read up on stuff there,” jay prompted. no one else really had specific plans as you’d already run through the collective to-do list.

you all nodded in agreement, scattering to get to the destination. normally, you’d carpool with minjeong and sunoo, but their car was in the shop for repairs, leaving you in a bit of a bind.

so, after a bit of back-and-forth, you found yourself in sunghoon’s car instead. it wasn’t exactly planned—just the most practical option.

sunghoon was terrified—of everything, it seemed. terrified of facing emotions, of this project, and especially, of you.

he enjoyed your company more than he wanted to admit, yet something about your gaze unsettled him. the way a single look from you could leave his head spinning, his heart pounding. it was unnerving.

he hated how much he liked being near you, how he’d catch himself wanting to stay just a little longer. he hated the way you knew his coffee order, called him ‘hoon’ did all the things coworkers don’t do.

from the way you’d lean over his desk to point out something on his screen, or when you would always run off to make sure he was okay when he split off during your group hangouts then spend the rest of the time with him.

that couldn’t just be friendly colleague behavior, right?

he wasn’t oblivious to the signs of a crush; he just hadn’t expected it to hit him with such intensity.

he wished the situation was clear and he could just tell you he liked you without breaking the very famous rule of “don’t date your co workers”. he wasn’t used to being patient.

“did you know that this city was built on some old guy’s school and farm and they evicted him?” jake asked sorting through files at the city hall.

jake’s voice snapping him out of his little world inside of his head.

“yeah i think i learned that in grade school,” he replied

“oh shit you lived here?” jake asked with amusement upon hearing that.

“i grew up here,” he replied, a hint of nostalgia flashing across his face. “but I moved away when I turned 18. felt like it was time to explore somewhere new,” he added, his gaze drifting momentarily, as though recalling a distant memory.

“we should do some of whatever favorites you have in this city,” minjeong suggested, nudging sunoo to look up from his phone.

sunghoon felt weird. all the attention was on him. of course he’d felt this before when presenting his work, but just having people (friends?) want to pay attention to him and listen to the mundane things he said.

this was personal. they weren’t looking at his work; they were looking at him, hanging on to even the smallest things he said, like they actually wanted to know him.

“um, there’s a small park near the house where i grew up, and a convenience store. nothing interesting really,” he suggested recalling his childhood.

“let’s go then! after we finish cleaning up though…” sunoo trailed off looking to the stack of boxes jay had pulled out for ‘research’.

“it’d be interesting to learn more about your childhood and about you, but if you don’t feel comfortable we don’t have to go,” you replied with a warm smile despite the cold months.

“no it’s fine, i don’t mind,”

and so, there you were, back in sunghoon’s car. the silence felt thick, stretching out between you like an unspoken question, lingering just beyond the reach of words.

the hum of the car’s heating was the only sound, filling the space with a steady warmth, yet doing little to ease the quiet tension.

you shifted in your seat, glancing out the window at the streetlights casting shadows on the road. despite the silence, you couldn’t help but feel that there was something comfortably familiar in it, as if the quiet itself was a language only the two of you could understand.

you stared out the window, but your mind kept drifting back to him. there was something magnetic about his quiet presence, like he filled the car without saying a word.

a part of you wanted to break the silence, to fill it with anything: a random comment, a question, maybe a joke. but you held back, sensing that maybe he didn’t mind the quiet.

still, the silence made you hyperaware of every little thing. the way his fingers tapped on the steering wheel occasionally. the way he’d glance your way, just for a second, then back at the road.

your heart felt annoyingly light, fluttering in a way that made you both want to smile and laugh at yourself. this was so out of character—you weren’t usually nervous around people, especially not people you’d been working with for a while.

you could feel your pulse quicken, and you didn’t know why. it wasn’t like he was doing anything out of the ordinary. just driving. just there, next to you.

each moment felt like it stretched out longer than the last. the silence was oddly comforting, even as it made you restless.

you glanced at him, noticing the way his jaw tightened when he concentrated on the road. it was… distracting. and you scolded yourself for even thinking that.

your fingers tapped your leg lightly, the same rhythm he tapped on the steering wheel. maybe he hadn’t noticed, but part of you hoped he had.

sunghoon wanted to say something, anything, to ease the stillness. but every word he thought of felt silly, or worse, like it meant more than he wanted it to.

“i feel like I should say something… this silence feels too heavy,” he admitted, his voice a little shaky, like he hadn’t meant to say it out loud.

you blinked, surprised, before a small smile crept onto your face. “no, really—it’s fine. i’m just enjoying the quiet,” you assured him, your tone easy, hoping it’d settle whatever tension he was feeling.

“i just… i don’t want the silence to feel uncomfortable,” he said, glancing over quickly before looking back at the road, as if he didn’t want to make too big a deal of it.

you felt a hint of warmth at his thoughtfulness. “i promise, it’s okay,” you replied, voice soft and steady. “sometimes, taking a moment to just… be, to appreciate what’s around us, that’s nice.”

he nodded, his fingers tightening around the steering wheel, and though he still seemed restless, your words seemed to settle something within him.

“don’t get me wrong—i’m not opposed to chatting,” you added with a light laugh. “just curious, though—how long until we get there?” you asked, steering the conversation somewhere new.

“about five minutes, give or take,” he replied with a nod. somewhere beneath the calm tone, he found himself wishing the drive was just a little longer to spend a few more seconds, minutes with you.

after the convenience store run and dropping you back at your apartment, sunghoon thought a lot about what you said.

your calmness toward silence lingered in his mind, a contrast to his urge to fill every pause, every quiet moment, with conversation.

he couldn’t understand how you seemed so at ease with the world, like every second didn’t need to be accounted for. he was used to filling gaps, rushing through silences, yet you just let them be, like every second didn’t need something to prove its worth.

unlocking the door to his own place, he mulled over how, in your company, even the silence hadn’t felt as heavy as he feared.

he wasn’t sure why, but the quiet with you had left him unsettled in a way he hadn’t expected.

─── ♡

sunghoon had felt significantly more comfortable over the next weeks growing more relaxed and talkative, it really seemed the team bonding did it’s job.

he felt more free, less judged to give his opinion.

two months had passed since you sat in sunghoon’s car for the first time. sunghoon’s calendar, still mostly blank, with minimal writing. the minimal writing being small things he’d remember about you, anything you told him really.

your favorite coffee, favorite flowers, hobbies, anything really.

tonight marked the first practice shoot of many, getting a good idea of the potential photos he might want. you sat in sunghoon’s car once again staring out at the city ahead of you from the view, taking in the sight.

from where you sat, the city stretched out below in a vast, glittering sprawl.

the buildings looked like scattered constellations against the night, lights twinkling from windows, and casting a warm glow into the misty evening air.

a gentle haze softened the skyline, blending the sharp edges of skyscrapers into the soft glow of distant streetlights and neon signs.

beside you, sunghoon had his camera in hand, his posture focused yet relaxed as he adjusted the settings, while jake, just to his left, fiddled with the light equipment, focused, no longer showing his joking fun demeanor.

the faint buzz of voices and distant city sounds drifted through the air, grounding the quiet scene around you.

you could hear a few clicks go off subtly, but the sound carried off with the many others in the night.

it was cold, and despite you being in multiple layers, you were still freezing.

wait. why were you out here again?

sunghoon and jake said they had it covered for this practice shoot, and jay, minjeong and sunoo weren’t here, so why were you here?

“nah don’t worry we’ll be okay, you go rest up,” you recalled jake saying when sunghoon and him were discussing where to first shoot at.

it was because you wanted to support them, yes.

or at least support sunghoon in his hard work and dedication.

right?

your mind drifted back to that moment, to the way sunghoon's expression shifted when you told jake it was alright—you wanted to stay, to watch them work.

his smile had softened, curving upward in a way you hadn’t seen before, and his eyes widened, just briefly, like he hadn’t expected you’d actually want to be there.

you never realized how much you liked seeing him smile, but it hit you that you enjoyed being in his warm graces. being the reason he could smile so happily like that.

then it hit you, surrounding all the times he’d show up at the gallery with two cups of coffee, one of his own, and a second of your favorite. it never phased you, but you enjoyed that brief moment in the morning. not just being able to get your favorite drink off the bat, but just seeing him.

maybe it was the way he listened or the silent way he noticed the details in people’s lives. maybe it was the steady calm he carried with him, which felt so opposite to the rush and noise of everyone else.

or maybe it was just the realization that you wanted more of those moments. of him.

you felt a new sort of comfort surrounding you in realizing where your thoughts carried you. it wasn’t scary and you didn’t feel pressured to feel what you did towards him.

it felt natural, and you didn’t mind the pace you were at.

“y/n you should come look at these photos sunghoon took, they’re amazing!” jake called out waving his hand to come look at the photos. you nodded and opened the car door making sure to carry the blanket that kept you warm.

you walked over with a sense of calm in you, feeling at peace for finally being able to sort your thoughts out. jake walked off leaving just you, sunghoon, and a camera.

you hovered over the camera inspecting the beauty captured by it, and comparing it to what you eyes could naturally take in infront of you marveling at the sight.

“these are just. wow. they’re stunning hoon, honestly good enough to be the final shoot,” you joked (not really) at the end. you didn’t have to lie to tell him the beauty they captured.

“thank you, y/n, i appreciate it,” his voice softened despite the frigid temperatures.

“i didn’t realize how much i liked nighttime cityscapes but just wow. you’re really a master at this,” you smiled still awing the photo. you looked up from the camera to find his eyes gazing back into yours studying your every micromovement.

maybe you should have instantly looked away when your eyes made contact, but you didn’t. you held his gaze looking in his eyes admiring the world you could see through them. admiring how you could see his world through them.

you felt yourself drawn in, noticing how his eyes softened in the dim light, catching every detail of your expression as if he were trying to memorize it, too. there was something so unguarded in his gaze that it left you wondering—how often did he let anyone see him this way?

it felt like looking into a world you hadn’t seen before, like a momentary glimpse past the careful walls he usually kept up. maybe that’s what held you, the idea that, through that look, you were somehow let in. you saw the way his guard slipped, even just a little, showing you the warmth and thoughtfulness usually hidden behind his quiet demeanor.

you admired the subtle spark in his eyes that seemed to light up when he was truly present, like he was with you in that moment, unhurried and genuine. there was a sense of closeness in the silence, an understanding that you both held, lingering quietly between you.

and as you held his gaze, it felt like everything around you faded out, like this moment had its own weight, its own depth, unfolding softly between you.

“okay, i loaded it on a different sd card, y/n do you wanna head back in the car to uh..” jake came back holding a laptop, preoccupied, then noticing the distance and the interaction between you and sunghoon.

one quick assessment of the situation and he figured out what was going on, no awkward looks or stutters needed to be said.

“uhh i’ll be over here, sunghoon let me know when you’re good to continue shooting,” he continued on, sitting down on the nearby camper chair with his laptop analyzing the photos.

“nono, i’ll head back to the car, good luck on the rest! show me in the car later!” you cheerfully yipped out, looking away from sunghoon, and briskly walking your way back to the car. his car that is.

as you slumped back into your seat, a strange energy filled you—a quiet buzz that ran beneath your skin. the evening was alive with possibilities, but you forced yourself to hold back, to let things unfold naturally. you reminded yourself not to jump ahead, not to overthink or analyze every look, every lingering silence. things would happen in their own time, you told yourself. let it be.

but even as you repeated the words, you couldn’t fully push away the anticipation thrumming inside you. you knew there was something there, something unspoken but felt. it made you feel like every small moment had meaning—like the way his gaze had softened when he’d caught you looking at him, or the way he waited just a second longer than necessary when he dropped you off, his eyes lingering on yours.

yet, you didn’t want to assume, didn’t want to misstep and make him uncomfortable by wanting more before he was ready. so you settled back, let yourself get lost in the quiet sounds of the night as you tried to quiet the thoughts in your mind.

sunghoon, however, was struggling with restraint of his own. he wanted to reach out, to define whatever this was now instead of letting it drift without a name. he wanted the clarity of a label, a tangible understanding between you both that this was more than just quiet glances and shared coffee.

he tapped his fingers against his side, feeling the impatience gnaw at him. he’d never felt quite this way before—this quiet, constant pull toward someone. he wanted the comfort of knowing where he stood, the simple ease of calling you something more than a friend.

and even though he hesitated, unsure of how to say it or when to bring it up, that impatience lingered, urging him to take a chance.

as you waited in the car, you noticed the signature blue calendar he would carry with him, peaking out from his bag. you knew it was bad to snoop, but it’s just a calendar so what’s the harm?

you recalled how he always kept his calendar so close, almost sacred. he’d never let anyone flip through it casually, and there was something endearing in the way he treated it like his personal vault. but here you were, skimming through its pages, carefully thumbing over each detail he’d meticulously planned, organized, and guarded.

as you moved further back in the year, you noticed how every single corner of the earlier months was packed with events, deadlines, and reminders, all stacked so close together there was barely any blank space. but as you neared the months when your project together began, it was as though the calendar itself had started to breathe. gaps of empty white space dotted each week—untouched, open, flexible.

flip to another week in the same month, where you saw all your favorite things being written down.

y/n favorite coffee, mocha cream y/n fav flower is peonies y/n likes citrus/clean scents

you couldn’t help but smile at these thoughtful details written in his familiar handwriting, an echo of how much attention he must have been paying all along. they weren’t bold or highlighted, no special stars or embellishments around them—just quiet, tucked away in the folds of his otherwise meticulously planned calendar.

you ran your finger over the words, letting yourself take in each small token he’d left behind feeling a warmth rise up in your chest as you took in the silent care embedded in those notes.

gently, you closed the calendar and placed it back in its spot, careful to leave it exactly as you’d found it.

─── ♡

on the drive back to the main city from the quiet outskirts where you’d been practice shooting, the car seemed to grow heavier with each passing mile. jake, sitting in the backseat, could practically feel the tension thickening in the air, a quiet current between you and sunghoon that neither of you seemed eager to break.

sunghoon had grown used to the silence that fell between you two. for someone who once found quiet spaces awkward and uncomfortable, he was starting to see the beauty in it—how, with you, silence didn’t feel empty.

it felt full, a kind of gentle hum that let him think without needing to say a word. he found himself watching the road ahead, but his mind drifted back to your presence beside him, wondering what you were thinking, feeling, if the silence was as comfortable for you as it was slowly becoming for him.

you stopped at the convenience store you stopped as a group months prior and you noticed subtle changes—a few new products, different ads on the walls, small shifts that somehow fit. it felt right though, the change for the store was good.

you wandered down the aisles, the familiar hum of the refrigeration units a soft background to your thoughts. a new brand of energy drink caught your eye, and you grabbed one, smiling as you remembered jake daring sunghoon to down two in a row last time you were all here.

sunghoon moved through the aisles with his usual quiet focus, but tonight, there was a slight hesitance in his steps. you walked a few paces behind, watching as he reached for snacks, glanced over products, but occasionally, you felt his gaze drift back to you. it was subtle, the way he’d glance over his shoulder, his eyes searching for a brief second before he turned away, as if to make sure you were still there.

once, your eyes met, and you felt a quiet pull—a wordless exchange that made you feel more aware of his presence, of the shared space between you. he held your gaze for a moment longer than expected, before he quickly looked away, clearing his throat as he continued on. the warmth lingered, a gentle heat settling in your chest, and you found yourself biting back a smile, wondering if he felt it, too.

it would have been easy to brush off, to tell yourself that it was just a simple look, a fleeting moment. but something about it felt significant, like there was more to it than either of you dared to say. as he continued down the aisle, his steps slowed, and he let the silence hang between you, filled with an awareness that was soft but unignorable.

you followed at his pace, feeling content to exist in this quiet moment together, letting the silence speak for itself. every now and then, he’d glance back, and each time, it felt like a quiet question he wasn’t quite ready to ask.

picking up a bag of chips, you lingered by the checkout, watching as he browsed the candy aisle with a rare, almost childlike curiosity. he finally settled on something, paying without a word and slipping it into his pocket with a subtle smile.

it was eerily silent for what many people would interpret as a group of friends, yet it felt right. the occasional joking comments from jake littered in through the silence, not that you minded.

you had texted sunoo and minjeong to come over despite it being the late hours in the night with the promise of paying for any snacks they wanted to which they happily obliged, and walked in not much longer.

they took sight of the many snacks sprawled across the table, eyes wide. "all this on you?" minjeong asked, surprised by the number of snacks.

"yep," you grinned, waving them over. “go wild.”

what once was silence was filled by cheerful banter between the five of you, while normally not as loud as you would be, you made up for the absence of jay probably being asleep.

you felt a pair of eyes comfortably resting on your figure and as you looked up, you found yourself eye to eye with sunghoon again, your gaze lingering longer than colleagues maybe should

after loading up on snacks, the five of you drifted out of the convenience store, stomachs full and happy, you found yourself back in sunghoon’s car.

as you buckled your seatbelt on you took another look at the peaceful look sunghoon had on his face and he looked back at yours. his gaze softened as he looked at you, and you could see a faint glint of amusement in his eyes.

“what? something on my face?” you asked, a small smile tugging at your lips, trying to break the momentary intensity of the eye contact.

“of course, i’d come out to support you anytime hoon. even after this project is done,” you replied, your voice soft but sincere.

he looked at you, his smile lingering, and for a moment, you could almost feel the weight of everything unsaid hanging in the air. “it means a lot, more than you know,” he said quietly, his gaze shifting to the ground for a moment, like he was sorting through something in his head.

you weren’t sure if it was the night, the quiet between you, or the lingering warmth of the convenience store visit, but something about the way he said it made you feel like there was more to that simple thank you. it was the kind of moment that felt small but significant, and for the first time in a while, you couldn’t help but wonder what would come next.

─── ♡

at the next practice shoot, the following month, everyone was there, and you could finally experience what working with each other was like for this project.

jay managing everyone, jake fixated on the lighting, minjeong, sunoo, and you on standby there for support. it seemed all that team bonding was starting to show as you found yourselves in a natural flow, relaxed yet anticipatory.

everyone seemed to be in their right mind, well, except for sunghoon that is.

unbeknownst to you, that convenience store night was all he could think about.

sunghoon adjusted his camera, hands steady but his mind drifting, unable to shake the unease gnawing at him. he tried to stay focused on the familiar rhythm of the shoot, hoping it would ground him, but his thoughts kept slipping back to the night at the convenience store.

he’d replayed every second in his mind—the way you’d looked at him, laughed at something he’d said, your easy smile that seemed to reach just a little deeper. it was as though he was seeing pieces of something beautiful that refused to fall into place.

his eyes drifted back to you, almost as if by habit. it felt like every look you shared lately had its own gravity, a silent language that left him both eager and hesitant. he couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something unspoken lingering between you, yet he doubted himself, wondered if he was only imagining it.

he tried to brush it off, focusing instead on the task in front of him, calling out directions and adjusting his camera settings. still, his mind kept circling back, caught in a loop of doubt. every look you gave him seemed to spark a question he couldn’t answer.

were his feelings becoming too obvious? was he stuck waiting for a sign that would never come? each glance between you seemed to hold a promise, yet he was starting to wonder if it was all in his head, if he was simply reaching for something that wasn’t really there.

did you even want this? if you wanted it too why hasn’t anything happened? love should feel like it’s at first sight, that it’s simple and you’ll know right away.

he took a steadying breath and aimed his camera, telling himself that maybe this was just the timing, that things would unfold naturally. still, a part of him ached with impatience, with the desire for things to move forward, to finally break the tension and know where he stood.

in the end, he stayed quiet, capturing moments through his lens, hoping it would be enough to quiet his mind. but as the shoot wore on, he couldn’t help feeling like he was holding his breath, waiting for a moment that kept slipping just out of reach.

everything felt right, so why wasn’t anything happening?

if only you had known, maybe you could’ve said the words necessary to reassure him.

you glanced over at sunghoon, who was adjusting his lens with his usual precision, and couldn’t help the small smile that tugged at your lips. lately, you’d noticed how he always seemed to glance back at you, his expression softening in a way that made you feel warm inside.

though, sunghoon was quieter than usual even after all the team bonding and getting used to being around each other. his gaze flickering between his camera and the ground, almost as if he were more focused on his thoughts than on the scene around him.

he seemed hesitant, movements a little more calculated, as if overthinking every small action.

you figured it must be due to the lack of sleep or just something.

it was as if he was unsure of his place—not in the project, but in whatever was building between the two of you. every now and then, you’d catch him watching you from afar, his gaze softer, but by the time you met his eyes, he’d look away quickly, his expression unreadable.

something about it just felt, off. normally, your gazes would linger with each other, intertwining as if they were telling a whole new story in each other’s glances, yet it couldn’t just be because he was tired.

he seemed cautious, like he was holding himself back again. you wondered if he was doubting the connection you thought had been growing, or if he was simply caught up in his own head. it was clear something was pulling him away, a hesitation that hung in the air between you, subtle but undeniable.

whilst you wanted to dwell on the issue further, you figured it could be an off day, you weren’t too concerned with fixing an unfixable issue. life would take it’s course, holding you by the hand wherever it wanted you to be.

you hoped that this principle would hold true even in this time now.

─── ♡

it had been months since the six of you had hung out not doing work related things, ironic as it sounds.

the six of you were gathered at the same cozy café you had frequented so many times before, the familiar chatter of friends filling the air as you each sipped on your drinks. the usual buzz of conversation was present, but today there was something different—a subtle shift in the atmosphere.

it felt like the walls that once existed in the beginning of the project were once built up again.

sunghoon sat across from you, his fingers tracing the rim of his coffee cup absentmindedly, eyes occasionally flicking to you when he thought you weren’t looking. he had been quieter than usual, more distant. you couldn’t pinpoint the reason, but it had been on your mind all week.

you tried to shake it off. maybe he was just tired. maybe it was the pressure of the project, of the looming deadline. but you couldn’t ignore the nagging feeling that something else was at play.

you took a sip of your coffee hoping to drown out the thoughts that ran through your head.

“so,” jake piped up, breaking the silence that had settled over the group. “anyone up for some impromptu karaoke later? i’ve been dying to belt out some classics.”

minjeong raised an eyebrow. “karaoke? really? you know i can’t sing to save my life.”

“don’t worry, we’ll let you off easy,” jake teased, leaning back in his chair with a grin. “i’m sure sunghoon here would love to join in, right?”

sunghoon’s gaze flickered to jake for a moment before his eyes slid back to his coffee cup. “i’m not really feeling it today,” he muttered, his voice barely above a whisper.

you glanced at him, catching his tired eyes before he quickly looked away. it was subtle, but there was an unmistakable shift in his demeanor, one that you couldn’t ignore. it wasn’t like sunghoon to turn down a new experience, even if it scared him. especially when the rest of the group was so lively.

“is everything okay?” you asked softly, your voice gentle, though you could feel the weight of your words hanging in the air. you didn’t want to push him, but you couldn’t help but wonder what was going on in his mind.

sunghoon tensed for a brief moment, as though your question had caught him off guard. he hesitated, clearly unsure of how to respond. “yeah, everything’s fine,” he said finally, offering a half-hearted smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “just… tired, i guess.”

you nodded, but the unease in the pit of your stomach refused to settle. there was more to it than that. you could sense it, the way he kept his distance, the way his smiles no longer carried the same warmth. something was off, and you couldn’t shake the feeling that it was connected to you.

“come on, let’s not ruin the vibe,” minjeong interjected, her voice light and playful. “let’s focus on something fun. anyone want to plan our next outing?”

but sunghoon wasn’t really listening anymore. his focus was elsewhere, distant, as though his mind was a million miles away. you caught him glancing at his phone once, then again, but when you looked, he quickly put it down, his fingers tapping restlessly on the table.

it was obvious that his thoughts were elsewhere, and it made you feel like you were walking on eggshells around him. you hated this—this space between you both. it wasn’t like the easy banter you were used to, the comfortable silence you could share without it feeling heavy.

you shifted in your seat, your gaze dropping to your drink. you tried to focus on the conversation, on the lighthearted chatter between sunoo and jake, but your thoughts kept drifting back to sunghoon.

was he upset with you? was something wrong with the project? or maybe—just maybe—he was pulling away because of something more. something you couldn’t quite understand.

“i think i’m gonna head out soon,” sunghoon said suddenly, his voice breaking through your spiraling thoughts. “got some stuff to take care of, old projects”

the group looked up, surprised by his abrupt announcement. you didn’t want to let him leave like this, not with the tension hanging in the air. but you didn’t want to push him either.

“are you sure?” you asked, your voice quieter than you intended.

sunghoon looked at you, his expression unreadable for a moment. then, he nodded. “yeah. i’ll see you guys later.”

with that, he stood up and made his way toward the door, leaving the table behind him. the remaining five of you exchanged glances, a sense of confusion settling over the group. you could hear the murmur of voices, but none of it really reached you. your mind was fixed on sunghoon’s retreating figure.

“he’s been like this for a while now,” jake said, his tone quieter than usual. “i don’t think it’s just the project.”

you swallowed, trying to push down the growing anxiety in your chest. “what do you mean?”

jake shrugged, glancing over at sunghoon’s empty seat. “he’s been distant, you know? like he’s in his head too much. he wasn’t always like this.”

you nodded slowly, unsure of what to say. your gaze wandered to the door where sunghoon had just exited. was he pulling away from everyone? or was it just you? the thought gnawed at you, and for the first time in a long while, you felt uncertain.

you wanted to help him, to break through whatever wall he had built around himself. but you didn’t know how.

“don’t worry about it,” minjeong said, her voice soft as she noticed the way you were biting your lip in thought. “he’ll figure it out.”

you hoped so. but deep down, you weren’t so sure. you wanted to continue whatever thing you had going on, but weren’t sure if it was possible to return to that small state of bliss between the two of you. possible to return to that same state where you’d gaze into each other's eyes finding a potential lifetime in them.

─── ♡

the first day of final shootings arose sooner than he would’ve hoped. it was a month since he last saw you and the coffee shop, spending most of his time with jake and jay away from the gallery.

sunghoon stood on the top of the hill, camera in hand, staring out at the city below. the night stretched endlessly, thick with clouds, the city lights shimmering in the distance, blurred by a soft drizzle that seemed to hang in the air, casting a haze over everything, nothing to what the first practice shoot felt like.

jay and jake stood off to the side, adjusting the lighting, keeping their voices low, perhaps sensing the tension rolling off him. sunghoon took in a sharp breath, the cold air burning slightly as he tried to focus on something other than the gnawing frustration in his chest.

his mind wandered back to you, to the way you’d once stood beside him on pratice shoot nights. your eyes bright with excitement, seeing something in each scene that he’d often missed. he thought of how you’d nudge him, urging him to experiment, to capture things in ways he hadn’t thought of. you’d brought a sense of ease, of natural rhythm, to his work.

now, without you, he felt like he was grasping at fragments of inspiration, his usual confidence slipping away.

“hey, sunghoon, maybe we should take a break?” jake suggested gently, sensing his growing frustration. “it’s still early. we’ve got time, we can grab a bite to eat then come back,”

“no, it’s fine, i’m just, thinking,” sunghoon replied back in a tone harsher than he intended.

sunghoon watched as jake blinked, slightly taken aback, and jay cast him a cautious look, but they both kept their distance, knowing better than to push him. he turned away, gripping his camera tightly, frustrated with himself for snapping at jake. it wasn’t their fault he couldn’t settle into the rhythm of this shoot; they were only trying to help.

“sorry,” sunghoon mumbled out. “i didn’t mean to come off that way i’ve just been stressed,”

the two nodded in acceptance and brushed it off, they knew better than to get hurt by words from a confused man.

he closed his eyes for a moment, letting himself settle into the familiar sounds of the city below, trying to reconnect with something beyond his frustration. he felt jake’s concerned gaze, sensed jay hovering nearby, but they didn’t say anything, and somehow, the quiet felt heavier than before.

to sunghoon’s disappointment, jay called it a night there sensing how sunghoon needed time to process whatever he was going through. they didn’t have much time, but any was better than none.

sunghoon was was in a slump. he came to the conclusion that him and you were just not meant to be. as much as he’d love to just drown out his emotions with another batch of meaningless unsentimental photos he had a job to do.

he thought about how slowly things had built between you two, how gentle it all was—like a quiet warmth that crept up over time. but it wasn’t love at first sight. it hadn’t been some dizzying, head-spinning whirlwind. and now, that absence haunted him.

maybe he was wrong to let himself care like this, he thought, feeling the weight of it all press down on him. maybe he’d misread the signals, mistaken something comfortable for something more. if it was real, shouldn’t it have been electric from the start?

he leaned his head back, sighing as he let the doubt settle in. he searched for reasons, for something to explain the ache he felt, for why he couldn’t shake this longing for you even now. he wanted to believe it was enough—the quiet way he’d come to care, the steady rhythm of falling for you. but as the night grew still, so did his doubts.

feeling impatient and irritated he pondered what was next after this project?

go back to the busy photography life of visiting a multitude of countries in a short span to take photos that held zero meaning to him?

it only fueled his reasoning that it wasn’t meant to be.

while he may not have enjoyed it, that was his life, taking photos, what else was he going to do?

as he set up his camera for a second attempt, with jake once helping with lights and jay helping to make sure everything ran well.

though, it didn’t quite feel the same as all his other photography shoots. instead of a clear sky with stars shining bright and a perfect bustling city, it was…imperfect.

instead of the crystal-clear sky he’d planned for, filled with stars, the sky was murky, blanketed by thick clouds that blotted out the moonlight. the city below was drenched, its usual dullness covered by the rain that pooled in the gutters and slicked the sidewalks, leaving everything looking worn and tired.

as sunghoon set up his camera, adjusting the settings and squinting through the viewfinder, he couldn’t shake the feeling that tonight was off. jake held up the lights beside him, fighting the rain that made it all ten times harder.

he frowned, feeling the tug of irritation, every part of him wanting to pack up his equipment and call it a night. he didn’t want this—the blurred lines, the washed-out colors, the way it all felt messier than he’d envisioned. it was nothing like the polished image he’d had in his head.

jay, sensing sunghoon’s frustration, clapped him on the shoulder, leaning in so his words wouldn’t get lost in the noise of the rain. “just give it a chance. wait it out the rain maybe, and then we can get the perfect shot,”

and that’s when it hit him.

his city was just perfectly imperfect.

it wasn’t what he’d expected. it wasn’t his ideal vision, but it was real. raw. flawed in a way that felt unexpectedly compelling.

he raised his camera again, eyes focusing through the lens as he let go of the need for perfection, ready to capture something true, something that told a story all its own.

as the camera shuttered, he felt a sense of excitement wash over him. the feeling of taking photos for his enjoyment rushing back as he snapped each photo.

“these photos are gonna be kinda…drabby, to say the least. a bunch of editing is gonna be needed, but we can work with this,” jake contested feeling unsure of sunghoon’s bold confidence as he smiled back to jake with a huge grin.

“this whole week is raining too sunghoon, so either next week or today if you don’t like the photos, but we’re on a time crunch,” jay called from the tent shielding him from the rain.

sunghoon shook his head with a wave of confidence, “no, i think i like these photos a lot. they feel very, personal i guess you could say,”

jake raised an eyebrow, glancing over at sunghoon with a hint of surprise. “really? didn’t think you’d go for something so… unfiltered,” he said, half-smiling.

sunghoon chuckled, letting out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding. “yeah, neither did i,” he admitted, glancing down at the screen where the captured images glowed back at him. “but there’s something about the imperfections that feels more… real, like it’s not just another shot of a pretty city.”

as he stared down at the candid, rain-soaked cityscape on his camera screen, sunghoon felt something shift inside him. he thought back to his relationship with you with the new perspective.

he’d expected a flawless, cinematic romance—the kind where everything fell neatly into place from the start, where feelings were undeniable and immediate. but maybe love wasn’t that way. maybe it wasn’t about some grand, sweeping declaration or the way his heart skipped a beat at the first sight of you.

his fingers hovered over the camera, tracing the edges of the image displayed there. the shot was far from perfect—the rain blurred the streetlights, and the shadows of people passing were smudged into streaks across the pavement.

he thought of you again, the way you always let things unfold as they were, never rushing or trying to force anything. that patience, that acceptance of things as they came, was something he was beginning to understand.

he’d wanted so badly for everything to be clear-cut, to know exactly where he stood with you, exactly what every glance and word meant. but now, he was starting to see the beauty in letting things grow in their own time.

sometimes being impatient for the unknown was okay. not knowing what comes next is part of the journey and excitement.

he excitedly took photos throughout the city with a new found perspective, letting the wind take him.

─── ♡

the date for the gallery was finally set, and the buzz around it was impossible to ignore. posters were up around campus, social media posts were popping off with previews, and it felt like everything was falling into place just right.

you’d been in constant contact with minjeong and sunoo, coordinating each little detail, answering questions, adjusting plans to fit sunghoon’s vision as closely as possible. there was a quiet pride in watching it all come together, a satisfaction in knowing your work had paid off in ways you hadn’t fully anticipated.

there was a quiet pride in watching it all come together, a satisfaction in knowing your work had paid off in ways you hadn’t fully anticipated.

the gallery had drawn more attention than expected—people genuinely seemed excited about it. every time you checked in with sunoo, he had new numbers to share about the online engagement, and minjeong kept you updated on event interest lists, which were growing every day.

it was overwhelming to say the least, but you took pride in the end project.

you wondered if sunghoon knew just how much excitement surrounded his work, if he’d noticed the attention or if he was too deep into perfecting the last shots for the exhibit to realize how much time and effort had been tumped in.

a small part of you wondered if he’d thought about you at all in the last month. it had been weeks since that night at the convenience store, that easy warmth you’d felt lingering between you two somehow.

since then, things had gone quiet, slipping into routine, and you’d buried yourself in coordinating every detail of this launch. but even as the work kept you busy, thoughts of him still crept in, unbidden and frequent. there was something there that was hard to define—an almost friendship, maybe more. whatever it was, you hoped it hadn’t faded while he’d been away.

you wanted to reach out to him, tell him you were just a chat away from talking about everything. any worries about anything.

on the day of the final walkthrough, you stepped into the gallery a little earlier, wanting a chance to look around before the crowd arrived. the walls were lined with his shots, each one telling its own story, each one imbued with a little more of him than you’d expected.

his work felt personal, almost like glimpses into a side of him you hadn’t seen before.

you lingered in front of one of the photos, a candid shot of the cityscape under an overcast sky, rain blurring the edges. it was imperfect but striking, raw and beautiful in its own way. you felt a sense of quiet pride for him and his work.

it was obvious he’d poured himself into this project, and now, standing here in the gallery, surrounded by pieces of his world, you understood a little more of what he’d been chasing after.

but as you were looking through all the pieces you noticed something different. it wasn’t just cityscapes this time.

as your eyes wandered along the gallery walls, familiar scenes began to emerge, each one tugging you back to a moment you’d almost forgotten.

first, there was the convenience store, washed in soft, nostalgic hues. the aisles looked the same as they had that night, but the way he’d captured it felt almost dreamlike. the colors seemed warmer, more inviting. you could almost hear the quiet hum of the refrigerators, the faint rustle of snack bags, and the soft, comforting silence that had filled the air between you.

your gaze drifted to the next photo—a snapshots of the arcade. it was chaotic yet somehow inviting, as though he’d captured a slice of that unfiltered joy you’d felt there. the image focused on the crane machine, its glass glowing under neon light. the sight vividly reminding you of the two of you laughing and cheering each other on as you attempted, over and over, to win a plush toy. the energy was so vibrant, it almost felt like you were back in that moment, playfully trying over and over again for sunghoon jr.

then your eyes fell upon a final image that caught you off guard. it was of a small receipt taped to a window, the ink faded, but clear enough to make out a single line item—your favorite coffee order. the shot was so simple, yet intimate, as if he’d captured a little piece of you in that slip of paper. in this photo, you could feel his attention to detail, his desire to remember even the small things.

a quiet realization settled over you as you looked at these photos, each one woven with memories of your time together. you’d thought you were simply there to support him, but here in this gallery, with his work all around you, it felt like you were somehow a part of it, a part of him.

as the time ticked closer to the opening, you spotted sunghoon entering quietly, his gaze sweeping across the room, an unreadable expression on his face. when his eyes landed on you, he gave a small nod, something tentative in his gaze. your heart gave a small leap, a reminder of everything unspoken, every quiet look and lingering moment.

you smiled at him, a silent acknowledgment of all the work that had led you both here. whatever the night would bring, you were glad to be here, a part of this world he’d built.

“do.. you like it?” sunghoon asked nervously, awaiting your opinion. after the inspiration had hit him that it was okay for things to take his time, he found himself being pulled to all the key moments that developed the relationship between you two.

"like it? no, i love it, hoon. it feels so… real," you said softly, a gentle smile spreading across your face as you looked back at him.

sunghoon’s eyes flickered to yours, and for a moment, something unspoken hung in the air between you. he hesitated, his gaze searching your expression as though he were trying to see if you meant it—if you truly saw what he’d poured into each frame.

"i wanted it to be… more than just photos," he murmured, his voice barely above a whisper, almost as if he was confessing something he hadn’t fully realized himself. "more than just places. places that reminded me of you,"

you nodded, understanding settling over you as you took in his work again, feeling the weight and warmth of every captured moment. life was finally taking its course again.

sunghoon felt at peace letting fate take the reigns of his life, it felt peaceful not having to worry and make life fit to your time.

─── ♡

“PARK SUNGHOON: HEART OF THE CITY” is what was plastered on the billboards everywhere in the city, social media, everywhere.

opening day of the new exhibit quickly arose with the gallery completely booked out with admission tickets to see the classic perfection of beauty from one of the world’s most renowned and skilled photographers.

sunghoon’s work hung along the walls, each photograph telling a story that felt intimate yet universal. it was almost surreal, seeing the spaces that had once been mere fragments of his ideas now filling the room, carrying the weight of so many moments he had captured over the last few months. you felt like each photo held something personal—a glimpse into his world.

your mind kept drifting to sunghoon. would he be pleased with the way everything had turned out? would he see what everyone else seemed to—the raw beauty and sincerity of his vision?

with doors officially opened, a steady flow of visitors began walking through, filling up the main room anticipating sunghoon’s opening speech.

jay started off with introducing sunghoon with a brief overview, going into detail about the city’s history and sunghoon’s connection, and as that fastly came to a close, you from behind as sunghoon took the microphone from jay’s hand and began.

he was more nervous from ever. doing the opening speech wasn’t the hard part, but with you watching, it scared him even more. he recalled back to letting life take him by the hand and talk freely letting the words fall out of his mouth.

“thank you so much for being here this morning, i appreciate each and everyone of you who came out, this project couldn’t have been done without my amazing team, jay, jake, minjeong, sunoo, and y/n,” he paused, his gaze shifting to each of you, lingering just a second longer when his eyes met yours.

you felt your cheeks turn a rosy pink at the mention of your name. you felt your cheeks turn a soft shade of pink at the mention of your name. standing there, surrounded by the work you’d all brought to life, the warmth that spread through you was undeniable.

“this work is definitely some of the most personal and dear to me, and i had the chance to have my inspiration for these pieces work alongside me,” he continued on. his eyes flickered back to you as he said it, a subtle but unmistakable acknowledgment. “these pieces will differ from my past works, as it includes photography of not just cities, but the life within them, and the love i’ve found in the city,”

a murmur spread through the crowd, people glancing at you with quiet smiles, but all you could focus on was him. the way his words seemed to reach you across the room, folding the world down to just the two of you.

as his speech concluded and the crowd broke into applause, you found yourself wondering if he knew just how much he had inspired you too. sunghoon gave a modest smile, but his eyes held a depth, a gratitude, and something else that you couldn’t quite put into words.

as the crowd split off to see the works plastered on the walls, some lingered in front of certain images, whispering to each other with appreciative nods, while others stood in awe, studying each detail. every so often, you caught snippets of their murmurs: “this one feels so real, doesn’t it?” or “you can almost feel the moment in this.”

the positive reactions settled some of your nerves, and a small smile formed as you saw sunghoon's work finally receiving the admiration it deserved.

amidst the crowd, you spotted him—sunghoon, standing quietly to the side, his gaze drifting from one photograph to another. his usual air of quiet confidence seemed tinged with something softer today, almost like he, too, was letting himself be vulnerable among his own work. you couldn’t resist walking over, weaving through the guests until you reached him.

“sunghoon,” you whispered, a warmth spreading in your chest. “they love it. look around. you did it.”

he turned to you, a flicker of something gentle in his expression as he took in your words. “i couldn’t have done it without you,” he replied, the depth in his voice making your heart flutter.

you laughed softly, shaking your head. “no, this is all you. i’m just lucky i got to witness it up close.”

"you. you were the inspiration," he said softly, his gaze holding yours with a warmth that made your heart skip a beat. his fingers found yours, interlocking them together gently. “i don’t want to rush it, but it feels right, you and me,” he continued, his voice a quiet confession that was both vulnerable and certain.

you felt your chest warm, a delicate reassurance flooding through you as you squeezed his hand. “hoon, i…” you trailed off, searching for the right words, realizing that he already knew. he could see it in the way you looked at him, the way you stayed close.

“you don’t have to say anything,” he murmured, a small smile tugging at his lips. “i just wanted you to know, and thank you for waiting so patiently,” his words were soft, thoughtful, as if he understood all the unspoken things you felt, as if he had been waiting just as patiently as you.

“i like you too hoon. like a lot a lot,” you giggled with a smile falling over your face. “i don’t know where this will lead,” you continued, feeling an odd mix of certainty and excitement, “but i’m ready to see where it goes. with you.”

the time it took to your heart might’ve been a while, but it was worth every second. love doesn’t happen fast, but when it does, it’s a wonderful beautiful thing.

his eyes softened, and he squeezed your hand in return, a silent promise in that touch, a reassurance that this was only the beginning.

─── ♡

the weekend after the exhibit opened, you and sunghoon decided on your first official date. it felt surreal, standing there with him in a different light—not as colleagues, not as friends, but something warmer, something that hinted at possibilities.

sunghoon picked the same café, cozy and tucked away, with large windows and low-lit ambiance that felt as comforting as a well-kept secret. as you settled into your seats, ordering your favorite coffee, that felt more like old friends than drinks, he glanced at you with a mixture of hesitation and excitement, a rare vulnerability in his usually steady gaze.

“there’s something i should probably tell you,” he started, a faint smile tugging at his lips, looking almost as though he were admitting a long-held secret.

you tilted your head, curiosity sparking in your eyes, though you had a feeling you already knew what was coming. “go on,” you encouraged, a playful smile creeping up on your face.

he looked away for a moment, almost sheepish. “the calendar,” he said, his fingers tapping the table, “i started keeping track of… well, of things about you. your favorite things, places you liked going… i mean, it was probably overboard—”

you couldn’t help but smile, reaching across the table to touch his hand. “sunghoon,” you interrupted softly, “i already knew, i might have taken a peak in the car during the first practice shoot,” you giggled feeding him a bite of the coffee cake you had also ordered.

he exhaled, relief washing over him, the tension in his shoulders relaxing. “i was terrified you’d find it strange or overbearing.”

“not at all,” you assured, squeezing his hand. “if anything, it felt nice. it felt… real.”

for a moment, neither of you spoke, letting the quiet comfort of the café fill the silence between you. sunghoon’s fingers intertwined with yours, his thumb brushing gently over your knuckles, as if he were memorizing every detail, just like those careful notes in his calendar.

he grinned, clearly pleased, and you both leaned into that moment, the knowledge of each other’s hidden care coming into the open, like the first step in something neither of you could wait to see unfold.

“what’s the plan now that the contract is basically up?” you asked a wave of unsurety washed over you. a moment of peace, but you were reminded he still had a job to do.

“i think i’m going to take a break, see where life takes me, hopefully with you,” he hummed out in response.

you nodded, the weight of his words sinking in slowly, and a quiet smile spread across your face. here you were, together at last, and he was already speaking as if this—whatever this was—was just the beginning.

“you’re sure?” you asked, voice almost a whisper.

sunghoon’s eyes softened, the confidence of his words melting away any trace of doubt. “i don’t think i’ve been surer about anything else,” he murmured, meeting your gaze with steady warmth. “i’ve spent so long capturing moments, freezing them in time… but with you, i want to be present for whatever comes next.”

while it was fun traveling to different countries, it’s not like he got to really experience them like he experienced the city he once called home. form a bond with the city. experience forming a bond with you.

you felt that same warmth wash over you, grounding you in the reality of his presence. a presence that had once felt distant, but was now unmistakably here, lingering in every breath, every glance, every small, silent gesture.

“i like the sound of that,” you replied, unable to help the way your smile deepened. “guess it’s a good thing you took such careful notes about me,” you teased, a playful glint in your eyes.

he laughed, shaking his head. “all those notes… they didn’t even scratch the surface.”

you felt a flutter in your chest, a feeling that settled somewhere deep and familiar, one that whispered to you that everything was finally falling into place.

as you stood together in that moment, time seemed to stretch, just like one of sunghoon’s photographs. you knew there’d be more moments like this, moments where nothing needed to be said, and everything felt perfectly imperfect, just as it was.

“so, where do we go from here?” you asked, looking at him with a mix of excitement and anticipation.

“anywhere,” he replied, squeezing your hand gently, “as long as it’s with you.”

you knew then that whatever path lay ahead, it was one you’d face together.

─── ♡

a/n: sunghoon's version of to: your heart!!! everyone cheered (me). happy belated birthday to jake ? (I have terrible timing and I should've written his first than do sunghoon's). make sure to SMASH that like button, but in all seriousness all likes, reblogs, and comments are deeply appreciated!! unrelated but thank you to sav for indirectly reminding me to write this by mentioning this like once in a convo LMAO. hope you all enjoyed !! ><

@ coqhee 2024. all rights reserved.

[absolutebl]

Best & Worst BLs of 2023

My Top 15 BLs of 2023 are (in order)

1 Our Dating Sim

Korea Viki

Nerds in love, deadlines, gaming, teasing, pining tiny idiots, casual affection, linguistic oops, ADORABLE. If you haven't watched this, it's a must. A perfect short form KBL, an office set reunion romance featuring geeks that really suits 8 eps with no fluff and no chaff. Just comforting and yummy.

I adored every aspect from the casting to the pristinely simple premise to the quietly smooth execution. Sure it’s low stakes, but that makes it high domesticity and extremely warm and gentle. This is a fuzzy blanket of a story - a cozy BL. It lives in my rewatch pile and you know what’s best about it? Every single episode is in that pile. There’s no skipping with this one, it might be good natured and calmly sweet but it’s tight and the pacing is excellent.

Also recieves my 2023 award for best giggle.

2 I Cannot Reach You

AKA I Can't Reach You AKA Kimi ni wa Todokanai

Japan Netflix

This classic friends-to-lovers BL is everything Japan does best. Angsty. Emo. Aching. Driven by real thirst. Yamato is deeply in love with his childhood bestie, Kakeru, and has been for ages, unable to hide his ungainly damaging high school need. He wants Kakeru in every way possible and it oozes off of the screen.

Kakeru is silly and a little simple, but not frenetic or overly camp about it. He is earnest, and genuinely wants to keep Yamato in his life which means giving a romance (and gayness) a fair chance. We watch him realize his affection and what form it can take in a truly authentic way.

This show was impossibly kind to both of its lead characters and I felt almost honored that I got to watch something so lovely and rare play out on my screen.

Also wins the best thirst award.

These were the 2 BLs that got 10/10 from me in 2023. The rest of these got 9/10 from me.

3 My School President

Thailand YouTube

GMMTV gave us a classic high school set Thai BL with tropes like messy boys singing their feelings that made this one Love Sick for the modern age with all the gentle sweetness and pining ache, but none of the dated damaging tropes or issues. Who let my BL be this wholesome and funny? My favourite GMMTV BL offering to date. And yes, I've watched them ALL.

Received the Namgoong award for best wingman 2023.

4 I Feel You Linger in the Air

Thailand grey

IFYLITA is an exquisite BL, from filming techniques to narrative framework. Steeped in history and family drama this is an elegant and classy BL. The main couple (both as a pair and individuals) were excellent, particularly Bright (Yai) whose eye-work acting style is a personal favorite of mine. It's a marker of how great it was that it's so high on my list despite the ending which was very much not what I wanted.

Additional accolade, sexiest moment of 2023 - (the oil scene).

You could try to fight me, but you'll have no grip.

5 Kiseki: Dear to Me

Taiwan Gaga & Viki

The plot is totally ridiculous and slightly unhinged. There’s a gum-ball machine of cameos, elder gay rep, great chemistry from all pairs (everyone is queer), and a KILLER side couple. It involves all the tropes under a very offhand framework of gay mafia gangs + food = love. As a result Kiseki is a poster child for Taiwanese BL, and I happen to love Taiwanese BL. Bonus? They also managed to END IT WELL, which we cannot expect from Taiwan.

Best side couple 2023!

(thank goodness Taiwan made this list!)

6 Jun and Jun

Korea Viki

A delightful office romance about an ex-idol who joins cubical life only to find his new boss is his first love. With a snappy (sometimes even raunchy) script, enjoyable sides, a pretty as peaches cast, and descent chemistry this show made up for in style what it lacked in substance. I like fluff. I loved this. I smiled every moment I was watching.

Best flirting 2023.

AKA "the tongue knows" award

7 The Eighth Sense

Korea Viki

This one is a bit chewy and sticky and less perfect than most KBLs. It’s got a bit of an age gap, country boy/city boy, stellar acting, complex characters, and leads with great chemistry and tension. This isn’t in the KBL bubble, there’s sharp edges and lots of triggers. For a BL the darkness of the content left me feeling unsettled (which is the only reason it didn't get a perfect score) but it has a glorious ending and that counts for a lot.

2023's most likely to appeal to non-BL watchers.

8 Unintentional Love Story

Korea iQIYI

The lead, Gongchan (maknae of B1A4) is a fucking GIFT, who carried this show. He was luminous with extraordinarily expressive eyes, which he used to carry a killer plot and challenging role. Forced into a totally understandable betrayal, falling in love despite himself, put into a corner he can't get out of, the AGONY, the eyes EMOTING at us in PAIN. Driven by external conflict, social tension and pressure this story seems simple but it's actually refined and quite complex. I loved this show.

Best story structure 2023.

9 My Personal Weatherman

AKA Taikan Yoho

Japan Gaga

This is classic yaoi of the kind that really only works from Japan. Basically: boys who fell in love in college end up living together but both are so repressed they actually don't realize they're in love. It's high heat is well done, but it leaned into the "why don't they just talk for fuck's sake?" which is exacerbated by the fact that they're already fucking. Sure is sexy tho.

Best use of props 2023 for the shower of sheets.

10 Our Dining Table

AKA Bokura no Shokutaku

Japan Gaga

Lonely salaryman and talented cook gets accidentally adopted by a college kid and his little brother. It’s a quiet & cozy little parable of found family alleviating loneliness. It's lovely & sweet with the romance beats used to build a family relationship, not just couple intimacy. Special.

First prize for domesticity.

11 Laws of Attraction

Thailand iQIYI

This is a great gay suspense thriller with several solid couples, fun plot, killer characters, queer rep, and a happy ending. It’s tons of fun and I had an absolute blast watching it.

Charn wins my favorite character of 2023.

12 La Pluie

Thailand Viki

This BL takes to task the fated mates trope and what it means to have love chained intimately to predestination. It’s about how faith in destiny before choice diminishes the authenticity of emotion, relationships, and connection. This is a high concept to examine through the lens of a BL. With good chemistry and decent acting all around, plus some excellent high heat and representation of consent and a few other rare tropes, this one has to (like it’s sibling show My Ride) earn high marks.

Most interesting concept 2023.

13 The New Employee

Korea Viki

So good, SO QUEER, so soft, a near pitch perfect office BL with conflict derived from that setting. Also found family and a lesbian bestie. This is what I wanted from this new crop of office set KBLs ALL ALONG. Rainbow rice cakes forever!

Best overall queer rep from Korea.

14 Step By Step

Thailand Gaga & YouTube & Viki

This was Thailand’s answer to The New Employee, and everything I loved about that show I loved about this one. This was an office romance between stern boss and sweet subordinate that felt more authentic to an office environment than previous Thai BLs of this ilk which added tension to the narrative and character development.

Chot wins best queer character 2023.

15 Love Tractor

Korea iQIYI

Most of this country-set BL had me feral for the beautiful broken city boy and his hot young farmer. Hyung romance, puppy/cat pairing, open frankness meets jaded reserve, language play, water hose frolicking, only one bed = all my favorite silly tropes.

Biggest "he so pretty" gasp of the year award.

10 Worst BLs of 2023 (that I watched)

My Blessing

My Universe: Casanova Begins

Boyband the series

Cafe In Love

Chains of Heart

Hit Bite Love

Only Friends

Senior Love Me

The Luminous Solution

The Promise

Yes, you read that right. I know I'm against the flow but I really did not like Only Friends. Everyone's taste is different.

However I DNFed faster and more BL's this year than ever before, so that means my 10 worst probably aren't quite reflective...

10 Probably Actually Worst BLs (I dropped 'em)

My Story

The Day I Loved You

Beyond the Star

Crazy Handsome Rich

Dinosaur Love

House of Stars

Mr Cinderella 2

Love Bill

Stormy Honeymoon

The Star Always Follow You

Codicils in General

I only carefully track/watch Thailand, Taiwan, Korea, and Japan. Other countries are not fully represented.

My Numbers

So my spreadsheet chronicled 138 BLs that finish airing in 2023.

101 = watched & reviewed

2 = still in the docket (WDYEY2 & Love Syndrome III)

15 = CNF (could not find)

20 = DNF (which also accounts for how few very low scores I handed out in 2023 as opposed to previous years, I just stopped watching). Speaking of which...

Ratings spread

(# of stars. #of BLs given that rating)

0 (see the DNFs instead)

2 - IT'S DEPRESSING they killed the gay, save yourself

7 - I DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM WATCHING AND NEITHER DOES IT

7 - FATALLY FLAWED but still basically BL, however… do we want to support this kind of behavior?

9 - WATCH IF YOU HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO but don’t expect much, it’s a total hot mess

17 - WORTH WATCHING BUT FLAWED probably around the ending or in narrative structure/cohesion or censorship

14 - RECOMMENDED WITH RESERVATIONS i.e. isn’t quite BL, convoluted, not strictly HEA, too short/long, or chemistry issues

30 - RECOMMENDED some concerns around tropes (like dub con) or story structure but still satisfies as BL

13 - ABSOLUTELY RECOMMENDED probably a few pacing issues or one flaw

2 - HIGHLY RECOMMENDED faithful to tropes, happy ending, good chemistry, few flaws, high rewatch potential

(source)

[flanaganfilm]

Hey, Mike! Did moving to Los Angeles at the start of your career turn out to be all that you thought it would be? It’s a big step that a lot of people take, and I’ve never really heard you talk about those early years before. Did you ever contemplate quitting? And if so, I’m glad you stuck to it - we love your work!

Oh, I contemplated quitting many, many times.

I moved to Los Angeles in January, 2003. I had just graduated the previous summer from Towson University, and a group of five of us moved out together. Some wanted to be filmmakers, some wanted to be actors. We shared a 3-bedroom apartment in Glendale. The adjacent apartment was occupied by four other Towson alums. Between the two apartments, we called it "Little Towson." I didn't own a car at the start. I had no health insurance. I'd saved a few thousand dollars to get me through the first six months, but none of us had jobs at the beginning. I remember applying (and being rejected) for a job at Walmart. I combed Craigslist looking for non-union editorial gigs.

I had told myself I'd give it five years, and if I hadn't gotten any traction, I'd move back to Maryland.

People started dropping out pretty quickly. One of my roommates (and one of my best friends) had moved out here to be an actor, and only lasted a few months before he decided to go back. It's overwhelming and terrifying to take a leap into a city as expensive as LA, and you're surrounded by people who all want the same career that you want. But it feels like there is a thousand foot wall circling the industry, and it seems impossible to scale it.

I found work doing odd editorial jobs before working as a logger, than an assistant editor, then an editor on a few reality shows. I shot and cut those local car commercials you see on late night cable. And I frequently ran out of money and overdrafted my account. As more and more of our original group gave up and moved back East, I started to feel more and more crazy. A lot of my friends from school were getting married, buying houses, having kids. I felt pretty delusional as my 5-year deadline came and went, and I still hadn't found any way over or through that wall. When we started to talk about making Absentia in 2010, I had been in LA for more than 7 years. I was working two jobs as an editor. I found out I was going to be a father. It felt very much like whatever I'd wanted to happen by moving to LA was not going to happen. Absentia was kind of last-ditch effort. Ultimately, the five year plan I'd allowed myself when I moved to LA turned into a 9-year plan. I started shooting Oculus - my first "real" movie - in the fall of 2012, just shy of my 10th anniversary in Los Angeles. That movie wouldn't come out for a while after that, so by the time I actually had a career as a filmmaker, well over a decade had passed struggling in LA.

For most of that time, my refusal to move back to Maryland looked (and felt) like a delusion. Only afterward did it start to look like "tenacity." And it never felt like "persistence" or "determination"... it felt insane. It felt like constant, daily frustration and rejection. And when I couldn't pay the bills, or couldn't land a job, it felt downright embarrassing.

For what it's worth, the only difference I've seen between people who "make it" out here and don't are that the ones who made it all stayed long past their expiration dates. I've seen wildly talented people pack it up and head home. Talent helps a lot once the door is open, but really the only thing that opens the door is persistence. To the point of feeling insane.

[puck-luck]

1K Celly Event!

Welcome to my 1K Celly! I hit 1,000 followers in mid-October (about 6 months after I started this account– WOW) and I felt so honored and loved that I wanted to do an event to pay you all back for your support these past few months.

I have never done a celly event before, so I modeled this one after @theemporium's 10K celly event. In the graphic below, I chose 25 dialogue prompts that will be the inspiration for the blurbs I will write at your request. I utilized these prompt lists (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8) to compile my favorites, so credit to these creators for those!

For this celly event, all you have to do is pick a player, a "suit," and a prompt. All of that information can be found in this graphic:

Welcome to Andy's Casino! Place your bets at the pit and I'll get to work! [code: send me your requests in my inbox]. I hope you enjoy your stay and don't gamble all your cash away ;)

(Note: there's no actual money involved. I just think I'm funny when I talk on theme. Unless y'all want to start sending me bribes to complete your blurbs and requests faster.... I would be interested in that........)

I do not have a timeline for these blurbs yet, so requests will open NOW and the deadline is November 3. Any requests sent after November 3rd for this event WILL BE DELETED. I will likely start writing these blurbs once I finish my planned fics– which hopefully will not take that long. (Although, as of October 23, there are 12 more oneshots for me to finish.)

Love you guys! All completed blurbs will be posted down below!

hughes!sister x tz: fluffy lazy night in after Frozen Frenzy (blurb req. by 1,000th follower)

mattias samuelsson 18♦️

trezor zegras 1♣️

luke hughes 10♣️

cole caufield 13❤

cole caufield 22♠️

luke hughes 8♣️

luke hughes 25♦️

mattias samuelsson 21♠️

jack hughes 5♣️

trevor zegras 8♣️

jack hughes 15♠️

quinn hughes 14❤

quinn hughes 9♦️

jack hughes 18❤

jack hughes 24♣️

luke hughes 25❤

quinn hughes 6♣️

trevor zegras 7❤

jack hughes 26♣️

cole caufield 11♠️

quinn hughes 26♦️

luke hughes 1❤

jack hughes 21♣️

quinn hughes 7❤

quinn hughes 7♦️

quinn hughes 23♣️

trevor zegras 4♣️

luke hughes 11♠️

mattias samuelsson 23❤

jack hughes 25♣️

jack hughes 21♠️

quinn hughes 24♦️

mattias samuelsson 9♣️

quinn hughes 16♦️

trevor zegras 4❤

luke hughes 13♣️

jack hughes 26❤

jack hughes 12♣️

nico hischier 16❤

cole caufield 5♣️

luke hughes 26♠️

jack hughes 17♣️

quinn hughes 18♦️

cole caufield 24♣️

quinn hughes 4♦️

jack hughes 14❤

[telomeke-bbs]

Okay, not (quite) anonymous any more, but still not (that) active yet. With all the recent discussion of episode 5 and the rooftop scene, I think I've yet to see analysis of 5 [4/4] 9:06-9:13, from when Pran says "We're not even friends" to when Pat says "That's right." Of course, we didn't know it on first viewing, but based on what we learn later from episode 12 [4/4] 12:58-13:54, what Pran says must have hurt. And we see it in Pat/Ohm's reaction. I'd love to see that deconstructed.

Hi @pandasmagorica! 😍 Sorry this reply is so late; I was struggling with my post about OS2 x BBS x ATOTS and also some work deadlines.

With regard to the Ep.5 rooftop, I must agree with you that Pran's comment "We're not even friends" must really have stung for Pat.

By this point he'd been totally swept away in the rush of his new-found feelings that he also knew were returned. But Pran, contrarian as ever, was vehemently denying the existence of closeness to his face. And to deny that they were even friends when they had actually been so close and affectionate behind the scenes before must have felt like a gut punch to Pat, who was laying himself so bare and vulnerable here.

For almost all of Ep.5 we watched as Pat sank deeper and deeper into the disorientating realization that he had somehow fallen in love with his supposed rival. And he must have been pushed so close to the brink of despair by the swell of these anguished, bottled emotions that he couldn't wait even a second longer than necessary to confess it all to Pran (which of course is quite in character for our open-hearted boy).

(above) Bad Buddy Ep.5 [4/4] 1.18

This was why he waited up for Pran down at the base of their block, drunk as he was, so as not to miss his return. And when he was prevented – by Wai's presence – from expressing all that was churning within him, of course he couldn't contain that pressure and it all erupted into a brawl.

But Pat on the rooftop is now showered and clearheaded, and once again focused on his task of confessing all to Pran.

(above) Bad Buddy Ep.5 [4/4] 7.45

Unfortunately, as before, Pran is unaware of Pat's true feelings and is expecting their usual jostling, competitive dynamic to be the framework of their exchange. And so Pran continues to toss barbs at Pat, thinking he'll find some way to lob them back as he'd always done before.

And in a sense he does, but Pat's energy is different now. For him it's not a game anymore and the usual teasing impishness that we saw so much of in preceding episodes (and at the start of Ep.5 too) is gone.

This scene is also a callback to (and a parallel with) Ep.3 [4/4] 6.09 – in the corridor there, Pran had been so moved by Pat's generosity and help with the bus‑stop that he decided to dial back on the rivalry and was wanting to take things to the next level.

(above) Bad Buddy Ep.3 [4/4] 6.51

This was the motivation behind his seemingly off-the-cuff "Have you eaten?" at Ep.3 [4/4] 7.20 – he was wanting to interact with Pat socially instead of as a competitor (see this write-up linked here for more analysis). Before this, the only other time we'd seen them at a meal together was at the wonton noodle stall (Ep.3 [1I4] 6.20), and it only happened by accident (and Pat soon turned it into a chopstick battle anyway) so I like to think Pran was wanting a romantic do-over in Ep.3 [4/4] by asking Pat out for a meal.

But there in the corridor Pat only seemed to want more of their usual relationship dynamic (more gameplay), and he signaled this with another of his bait-and-switch moves, lulling Pran with the return of his guitar and then saying "I just like to see your face… when you lose."

Here on the rooftop the tables have turned. In the corridor of Ep.3 [4/4] Pran was left resigned with Pat's unchanging focus on their rivalry (and yet maybe still relieved that they could continue their relationship, even if it was based on competition). But on the rooftop it's now Pat – all ready to bare his soul – who is thwarted and exasperated by Pran instead.

During the fight scene we already saw Pat getting annoyed at Pran (who was operating in their default mode of pretending to be bitter enemies). And he retaliated with a refusal to play along, turning snarky when Pran said "Why? Is it so hard to accept defeat?" at Ep.5 [4/4] 2.41. Pat's snide response "Defeated by that lousy song. Why would I feel anything?" landed like a slap too (though Pran couldn't have felt it, unlike Pat and us viewers who knew the truth behind his sarcasm). Because of course Pat had his heart torn to shreds when he finally understood that the song Just Friend? was really about Pran's unrequited love for him, and was now speaking to his feelings for Pran in return.

So on the rooftop Pat – perhaps annoyed at having to delay the confessing of his own truths – calls out the double-sidedness of Pran's comment and laces his response with more sarcasm and layers of unspoken meaning. His skewed, sardonic smile when he says "That's right" is a mix of sadness and derision, a colloid of contrasts ironically just like the relationship that they've always known – a forced mix of enmity and friendship, a combination of two opposites that will never truly meld.

If we're being generous, it's possible to read that Pran intended his "We're not even friends" to mean something like they're not allowed to be friends in the fullest sense of the word, in front of society and the world at large, even though they were always friends behind the scenes. But what Pat does is to take the literal meaning of this and flip it on its head.

They're both aware that their illicit friendship exists, but it's a friendship that dare not speak its name because of outside disapprobation. Pat's answer in the affirmative also snorts cynically, not just at Pran's surface denial, but also at their pitiless circumstances that don't allow them ever to be seen in front of others as anything besides bitter rivals.

And this is why he goes on to list why others might think they're not friends – in spite of the fact that (for all intents and purposes, except for how their relationship is presented to the world) – they actually are:

"How can we be friends when our parents despise one another?"

"How can we be friends if we live next door to each other yet can't even talk?"

"How can we be friends if we have to compete against one another in everything?"

But just like his sarcastic "That's right" and the cynicism of his mirthless smile, his words here are rhetorical, and are meant to highlight the opposite of what they seem to be saying – because his list is only made up of obstacles to friendship, but not reasons for enmity.

Their parents' mutual hostility, the ban on communicating with the boy next door, the enforced competition – these were constraints imposed on their friendship, but in themselves are no foundation or justification for any kind of animosity between them. And early on, little Pat and Pran found ways to get around the barriers and become firm friends in all but name, because there was never any justifiable reason for them not to be so.

Pat is calling Pran out here; he's telling Pran that he's just repeating what they'd been told since childhood, but the two of them, despite having drifted apart after Pran was sent away – they know better. And he's also calling for an end to the verbal gameplaying, and for them to face their truths.

Because after each rhetorical question is the silent, unspoken answer that BOTH know to be true:

"How can we be friends when our parents despise one another?" "But we ARE friends…"

"How can we be friends if we live next door to each other yet can't even talk?" "But we found a way around it…"

"How can we be friends if we have to compete against one another in everything?" "The competition was never a barrier to us ACTUALLY becoming friends…"

He's using rhetoric and sarcasm to illustrate that they weren't allowed to be friends and they've been conditioned not to call themselves that – but it doesn't change the truth about their friendship.

And I think Pran hears him loud and clear – despite what the world's been telling them all their lives, they are close and they have been friends, which is why there's a discernible softening on Pran's part.

I think Ohm did a fantastic job in Ep.5, heaving onto his shoulders the weighty stone that was also BBS's glowing heart, when it was Nanon doing all the heavy emotional lifting in the first four episodes. You can see what Pat is going through – but just in case you want further insight regarding his inner turmoil, BBS actually lets us in on a little more info.

Pat's audition as Riam in Ep.7 [4/4] 5.26 was also a play-by-play repetition of the Ep.5 rooftop scene, but Pat/Riam verbalizes his feelings a bit more directly, and adds further dimension to our understanding of Pat's motivations while on the rooftop.

(above) Bad Buddy Ep.7 [4/4] 5.26

Using Riam's voice, what he says in Ep.7 [4/4] cuts out all of his previous rhetoric, and instead speaks plainly of his weariness with the gameplay and of his willingness to give it up (repudiating his playful corridor self of Ep.3 [4/4]):

"I’m tired. Tired of pretending to hate you while your face has taken over my heart. Aren’t you tired too?... Let’s stop it. I don’t want to play this game anymore. I don’t want to lie to people anymore. You asked if I still wanted us to be friends. What if my answer is no? What do you say?"

Part of why Ep.5's rooftop scene hits so hard is not just because Pran walking away embodies the loss of a romantic story that could have been. It hits also because we see just how far battle-weary Pat has come, on a rollercoaster journey of grappling with emotions (over the course of just one episode) that Pran had taken years to integrate as part of his reality.

The loss is all the greater because we see how much it cost them to get to this point. For Pat it meant dismantling his worldview and lifelong sense of self as Pran's rival in every respect – and yet he was willing to cast it all aside, after recognizing the truth underlying his closeness to Pran.

As BBS is also an allegory for the lives of queer people, all the rumination around "friends who are not friends" here (also calling out to Pat's favorite among all of Pran's personally-scented tees) parallels how closeted LGBTQ+ relationships are often not allowed to speak their truth to wider society.

But while the allegorical message may speak to us intellectually, I think it gets drowned out by the molten magma at the searing core of this scene on the rooftop, which communicates directly – deafeningly – with the heart. All intellectual preoccupations aside, it's also just two young, would-be lovers stumbling through a conversation where so much is unknown and so much has yet to be said, trying to find the truth of their relationship in the maze of all the semantics – which is what many of us who have had to navigate young love must have experienced at some point.

Some of us get beyond the maze and fall into the truth behind the words straightaway. Others, like Pat and Pran, will have to take a little longer to get there. But as they ultimately demonstrate, it's always worth the journey when your erstwhile "friend" (or "enemy") turns out to be your soulmate instead. 💖

[autistpride]

What is time blindness?

Time blindness is actually a term more frequently used in the ADHD community.

Due to the fact that ADHD is a comorbid conditions with autism and time blindness is an executive functioning struggle many autistic individuals also struggle with time blindness as well.

Time-blindness is a phenomenon where a person does not recognize that time is passing, or how quickly it’s passing, or how soon an event or deadline is approaching.

We simply do not sense time passing the way most people do.

A person struggling with time blindness could be working on a task look up and the clock says 3. They look up what feels like much later and the clock says 3:05. They They look up what feels like very little time later and the clock now says 8. How?! Time felt so quick that second time but it wasn't and they forgeot to use the toilet, eat a meal, and do the other tasks for the day they needed to.

Some other effects of time blindness are:

-tasks not today or tomorrow seem ages away

-delayed sending a text, email, or returning a call and not realizing it has been two weeks

-being late or overly early every time

-gone out expecting to just a few minutes and come back hours later

-burning a meal that's cooking because you stepped away for what you thought was a minute

-starting every story with "the other day" because anything in the past is lumped together

-painful memories stay fresh longer because it just stays in the brain as if it just happened instead of processing

However there are some positives to time blindness!

Like being able to sink into a good book and forget the world, getting swept away by a project, or enjoying outings or people in the moment without time constraints

Hyperfocus is also a time blindness related thing. When hyperfocused individuals often lose all track of time while neglecting body needs such as food, water, sleep, or the toilet.

Here are some possible tips to help. I personally use 8/10 of these.

1. So many clocks. All the clocks everywhere. And reminders.

2. Visual timers!

3. Write down all the things you do during a day so you can reflect and see that you accomplished more then you realize. This will also allow you to look back on past days and know more precisely when something occured.

4. Track how long a task takes so you know for future that you need to account for that amount of time to accomplish that task.

5. Make long term deadlines into smaller ones. If an assignment is due in a week, split it into fourths and set dates throughout the week by which each part needs to be finished by.

6. Alway keep a schedule in front of you. Make your calendar your phone wallpaper or add tasks with alarms to your phone or watch.

7. Take notes with sticky notes or digitally and keep them in an easy to access location.

8. Stop hyperfocus before it starts when you can and if you can't have alarms set to try to help change your focus.

9. When estimating time for things, estimate off the worst case scenario and possibly also add an additional twenty minutes to that that for unexpected things like needing to get gas.

10. Do the same task at the same time each day. It becomes easier to mark the passage of time when you have performed that task time after time and doing it at the same time each day helps set you into a routine.

[milkteamoon]

20 questions for fic writers

Tagged by @shinyopals thank youuuu

1. How many works do you have on Ao3? 42!

2. What’s your total Ao3 word count? 340,042

3. What fandoms do you write for? Currently and primarily The Magnus Archives — I only rarely write for multiple fandoms at a time. In the past I've written for Jibaku Shounen Hanako-kun, Deltarune, Victoria's Electric Coffin......a friend and I used to write OC/Black Butler crossover fics in like, middle school lol

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

Cicada Summar (JSHK, rated T, gen) — Pre-canon JSHK backstory fic

No Sort of Name for People Like Us (TMA, rated T, jmart) — mid s3 practice kissing fic

Our Own Personal Hell (TMA, rated T, jmart) — s2 time loop shenanigans

Tongue to Teeth (TMA, rated T, jmart) — victorian monster hunting au

Check Each Box That Applies (TMA, rated T, jmart) — s2 lunch dates and personal discussions

Cicada Summer was posted at the height of JSHK fandom popularity, so I don't think that one is super representative of my "best" fics, though I do think that No Sort of Name is pretty good haha

5. Do you respond to comments? I do my best to!

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? Prooobably Hazy Days of December...I got a lot of people yelling at me for that one haha (even if I don't think it's too bad? It's open ended at least)

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? Umm I'm not sure! I think most of my fics are happy endings...maybe Worth More Than All the Silence

8. Do you get hate on fics? I've gotten a few weird comments but I don't think I've ever gotten anything outright hateful

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? I've written a few fics but must of my smut stays in the Google docs. My asexual ass likes things more focused on the humorous lead up and/or kink than the actual sex part haha

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written? I think the closest thing I've written to a crossover is the doctor who au I wrote earlier this year — I don't really write proper crossovers :,)

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? Not to my knowledge

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? Don't think so!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? Me and @indigosienna attempted to write a collab fic back in 2020, but we both ended up falling off of it before we finished (oops). The first chapter is still good though I think!

14. What’s your all time favorite ship? HARD question, but jmart and hananene both have very special places in my heart

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? Too many fic ideas to list haha

16. What are your writing strengths? I think I'm pretty good at humor and getting into a character's head. Also love writing an emotionally charged scene

17. What are your writing weaknesses? Dialogue heavy scenes are the WORST (writing dialogue tags without sounding stupidly repetitive...shaking my fist at the sun). Also forever complaining about editing

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? I don't know any other languages well enough to do so

19. First fandom you wrote for? I have vague memories of writing warrior cats fanfiction waaaaay back in the day

20. Favorite fic you’ve written? This is a haaaaard question but currently I'd have to say 1. Learning the Ropes — I originally started this for the RQ big bang in June and didn't make it to the deadline, so it felt like a big accomplishment to actually finish it. Plus I just really like delving into that era of canon and Jon and Martin's whole not-quite-dating shtick they have going on. And 2. Tongue to Teeth — I really love this fic and this au and I was noooot at all expecting the love for it I ended up getting on it. I love this silly au and I'm glad others do as well :,)

Not sure who has been tagged so! Sorry for any repeats! @rakel-on-ao3 @asleeb @thatsrightdollface @crit20lesbian @phynoma @lo-fi-charming @pinehutch @cnnmonbimee

[lokiandbuckysdoll]

Ok so... this request totally isn't based on real life or anything lol 💚💚

How about you have started to work crazy hours over the last few weeks, even weekends and super late at night. Your boyfriends, Bucky and Loki are both worried about you and want you to slow down so you can relax a bit but you tell them you can't because you need to finish your project by a certain date. The closer you get to the deadline, the less you are sleeping and eating and the more concerned they are. When you finally finish it, they take care of you and make sure you completely de-stress

@vbecker10 I hope you like the fic💚 sorry it took me a while to write it :(

~~~~~~~~~~

Work Overload

Summary: In the ask^ 

Paring: Winterfrost x Reader

Word Count: 1,295

Warings: Implied smut, mentions of injured reader, (i think that's all but let me know if i missed something)

~~~~~~~~

Exhausted was the only word you could use to describe how you felt both physically and mentally. Your job had been handed a major project, and your boss had assigned you to be a part of the team for this project. You were excited and thrilled when you heard the news, but that quickly died down when you realized how much time this project took from your personal life.  

Your work hours for the project had started off  as your regular 9-5 job for the first two weeks, However by the third and fourth week you kept staying an hour later until you eventually found yourself leaving at 11 or 12 at night. This made your personal life with your boyfriends hard, you had to cancel a night outting or you'd apologize because you won't be able to make dinner on time.  

 Obviously Loki and Bucky both knew how important this project was for you and the company you worked for. They were very understanding, however they had to agree that the hours you were starting to work wasn't normal. You assured them that you were fine and doing okay, they also made an effort to wait up for you and made sure you were taking care of yourself and eating even if it was at 12 in the morning.  Until things took a turn. 

Two weeks before your project's deadline a few employees had quit which made it all the more hard to finish the work on the project. Not to mention your boss had suddenly taken time off to go on a vacation leaving you and a few other co-workers you had left to complete this project.  

With this you had pushed a breaking point, once you got home from the work night before you'd  get only a few hours of sleep before you were up again getting ready for the next day. You had to skip breakfast and lunch, instead choosing to eat some small snacks at work. Loki and Bucky would bring you food to work because they knew you would hardly eat anything when you were home. 

What made them worry even more was the last week before your project was due. You didn’t sleep much, only taking small naps. When they tried to get you to eat and sleep properly you would snap at them telling them you were fine and that you just needed to get this project done. Although they were upset they did give you your space to complete your project.  

You felt awful for yelling but you were just trying to get this project down so you could relax and spend some quality time with your boys. The last two days you had been pushing yourself to get the project done. Once you finally finished  everything you felt like a weight had been lifted off of you.  

So the morning of the due date you were in a rush to get to work and turn the project in, you said a very quick good morning and goodbye to the boys and off to work you went. Your work was crazy that day, people running around trying to get things done. By the end of the day you felt extremely exhausted, your co workers wanted you to go out with them to celebrate but just wanted to rest considering it was already 10pm. 

~~~~~

After leaving work you drove straight home with all the energy you had left, upon arriving at your home you heard the faint sound of music playing. Before you could open the front door Bukcy beat you to it, he stood there looking handsome as ever in just his red henley and sweatpants. 

 “ Welcome home doll” he moved to the side to let you enter. Once you entered the apartment the smell of your favorite pasta hit your nose and your mouth began to water.  

Loki came out of the kitchen wearing only his silk emerald robe while holding a plate of pasta and a glass of wine. “ Oh good your home darling” he smiled as he  made his way over to the sofa.  “Please Come sit” he gestured you and bucky over. “ What's going on?” you question as bucky is helping you take your coat and shoes off.  

“ Well we thought we’d make dinner since you probably haven’t eaten” Loki moved to sit on the sofa as you and Bucky did the same. “ Really?” you meant for your voice to sound cheerful but it ends up coming out as a  brittle one. They both take notice of this and buck is the fist one to speak. “ What's wrong?” He gently caresses your face with his hand. 

“ Nothing it’s just i haven’t been the nicest to the two of you and yet here you are still taking care of me and making sure i’m okay” the dam broke and you began to cry. Their gesture mixed with the exhaustion you were feeling came tumbling down.   

“ Aww darling” Loki pulled you into his arms and let you cry. “ I don’t deserve you two i truly don’t” you moved to pull bucky into the hug as well.  “ Stop that you do deserve us  just as much as we deserve you. We know how important your project was, now that it's over, relax and let us take care of you”  they both kissed the top of your head. 

After a while you calmed down and you were able to relax, you ate the pasta they made and you swear it was the best pasta you had. They laughed at your exaggeration knowing that you were saying that as you were tired. You had the glass of wine  loki brought as well which led to another and soon you felt even more relaxed and bolder.

You move to sit on Loki's lap and you begin to playfully kiss him. They both caught on to what you were doing.  One thing led to another; you ended up pinned between Loki and Bucky that night. 

After last night you’ve never felt more relaxed, You were very grateful for your  two men. The following morning you woke up cuddling between your two loves. You took a moment to admire both of their features, feeling all giddy inside like a schoolgirl.

Slowly and carefully you detangle yourself from their embrace and head to the kitchen. You thought you'd make breakfast for them, you should've just stayed in bed cuddling with them. 

As soon as you tried to reach the top shelf you slipped and hit your shin hard on the floor to break your fall. You knocked everything you had on the counter over. Loki and Bucky were quick to wake up and rush to your aid in protector mode. Bucky with his gun and Loki with his daggers.  “ Y/n? Are you okay!?” bucky dropped his gun and crouched down next to you as Loki cleaned up the mess with his seidr. 

 “ My leg, I think I just bruised it.” you point out as he tries to look at it carefully. “ It looks like you just bruised your shin, you'll be fine” he gave you a small smile as you huffed out in annoyance.

 “ Darling, were you trying to make breakfast?” Loki finally asked. “ yeah” you admit shyly as he helps you up. “ After we told her last night we’d take care of her she does this, i think our pet needs to learn another lesson” he smirked and bucky all but smiled as he picked you up making you squeal “ Bucky!” you playfully hit his chest. “ Your right she does need another lesson” 

Safe to say that day and the following weeknd was spent in bed as Loki and Bucky spent time and time again making you de- stress. 

~~~~~~

Taglist: @nana1000night @imyourbratzdoll @springdandelixn @hannibals-favourite-meal @sarahrogersevans @lokisgoodgirl

[joshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

so I was fucking TIRED of being inconsistent and generally behind on this, such that I sat down and made myself watch 5 episodes in a row, which isn't a lot of episodes but also like man, you know? Also as a sidenote earlier in the year when the friend I'm watching all KyoAni shows with mentioned how long he expected it to take if we never missed a day he came up with August 22nd - now this date assumed we'd only ever watch one episode a day and that that'd apply for specials as well, which would have been pretty stupid and added on like a month, so it's not like the actual formal "we have to finish by this date" date. But also, it's kind of a fun goal, isn't it? Like we're so close to it that it has to be possible, I want to have it done, you know? To that end I'm hoping I can watch Second Raid at a faster pace than I've been doing before, but we'll see.

Anyway, as for the episodes I watched today:

Episodes 8 and 9 are a two-parter in which Tessa briefly joins the school and later they go on a hot springs trip. I didn't really like these episodes at all - Tessa's kind of just annoying, her rivalry with Kaname is obnoxious, and the hot springs episode is an excuse to watch Kurz and some of the NPCs try to peep on the girls, which I just literally did not enjoy a single second of.

Episode 10 sees Bonta-kun Sousuke train a group of yakuza members so they can more effectively take on a different group of yakuza members, with an action climax involving rescuing Kaname and her friend. Felt kinda lame. Every element that composes this conflict was done better earlier - Bonta-kun in his introductory episode as well as Ponytail, rescuing Kaname literally everytime that's ever happened, and Sousuke training a bunch of incompetents in the rugby episode. So just wasn't really it.

Episode 11 is a flirting competition so there's a lot of early 2000s haha women dialogue that was pretty annoying, and moreover it was boring for a lot of the runtime, but there's a pretty sweet scene at the end of a disguised Kaname rescuing Sousuke from a bad dare punishment, it was quite nice.

Episode 12 sees a biohazard released into the classroom such that Sousuke detains everyone so they can all safely die together, hilarity ensues. Pretty entertaining actually. The get-out-of-jail card at the end is that actually, it just dissolves clothes. Frankly these last couple episodes have really upped the sheer amount of fanservice scenes compared to just earlier in Fumoffu. No strong feelings on that.

And thus, the show is finished. I was kind of between 4 and 5 for my score, honestly I think the main thing I felt about the show for the bulk of its runtime is that it's kinda boring, but there's generally enough there to where I felt a 5 worked, certainly the first episode made me laugh out loud and there are enough like single-line gags that would get to me. Sousuke overhears high-school boys trading photos of the girls using vague terminology the entire time and saying out loud "I understand. They're trading narcotics" or something, that's funny. More broadly after hating every single character in the original series it was nice to watch this and straight up enjoy Sousuke as well as be able to tolerate Kaname. Not hating this is such a huge upgrade over the first season anyway, so.

Next step in FMP groupwatch is I'll watch Second Raid episode 0 since it's 5 minutes long, and then starting tomorrow I'm gonna have to make pretty good time knocking out the proper 13 episodes remaining and then the OVA as well. We'll see if I can't hold myself to that August 22nd deadline. Gaming.

[umichenginabroad]

New Zealand Part 1 (Week 11)

One of the beautiful things about studying at UNSW is that during week 6 of our studies, we get a flexibility week where the majority of courses don’t hold class and students are given the chance to catch up with schoolwork, get ahead, or do nothing and just relax! My hostel-mates and I knew about this opportunity from the day we got here, so a big trip was always in the works. We even knew that we all wanted to spend the time in New Zealand. The only problem? There’s 18 of us living in the hostel together and we’ve had enough trouble planning trips for just 5 or 6 people, let alone 18. Everyone had a different vision of what a trip to New Zealand could look like between camping, or renting cars and staying in AirBnBs, or living out of campervans. Needless to say, the trip planning was procrastinated all through the 4 weeks of summer and another 4 weeks of term 1. Once in a while someone would say, “Guys, we really have to plan this. Plane tickets are getting expensive!” and they’d be met with more approval and support than a professor who has suggested extending a homework deadline. But, as expected with our group, no action would be taken. Until one person sits down and buys themself a roundtrip flight to New Zealand, nobody is going anywhere. Soon enough, after intense procrastination and discussion, tickets were bought, plans were made, the group of 14 (four couldn’t make it) had divided into two campervans and two cars (who would be staying in AirBnBs), and I was sitting on a plane to Queenstown. 

^^ Landing in Queenstown

Queenstown may not be among New Zealand’s 20 largest cities, but it is renowned for its adventure sports and stunning scenery, earning it the nickname "Adventure Capital of the World," as my friend Elizabeth would say. Our adventures in Queenstown, however, were put on hold until the end of the trip as we had a road trip planned that would take us up north to Christchurch and then back down to the Adventure Capital. So, on our first day there we picked up our car rentals and headed to Fiordland National Park for a quick hike. The greenest plants, mossiest rocks, and most colorful mushrooms riddled the paths and made our short hike one of the most memorable. 

^^ Some New Zealand Flora

I also felt a lot safer hiking in New Zealand compared to Australia. New Zealand has none of the snakes that Australia is infamous for and has an almost negligible amount of dangerous spiders compared to the numbers Australia boasts! With our glow worm cave tour waiting for us in Te Anau, we had to get back on the road quickly. Lucky for us, there are worse places to be driving than one of the most naturally beautiful countries in the world where mountains surround you in every direction and lakes bluer than the sky itself pop up out of the blue (pun intended) every few moments. We weren’t allowed to take pictures in the glow worm caves, but imagine yourself sitting on a boat in a pitch black cave with little blue/green specks scattering the ceiling. That was pretty much it! It was interesting to learn about the glow worms themselves – they glow brighter the hungrier they are (to better attract flies) and they’re actually larvae, not worms, so they just need to survive long enough to turn into gnats and reproduce. You may be wondering why I’m sharing so much detail about random worms. Well, as a recent trivia night attendee (two weeks in a row), I see every random fact as a future topic in trivia. You can thank me later.

^^ Just the average roadside view while driving along the west side of the South Island!

Milford Sound was next on the list. Just a two hour drive from Te Anau with the option of a bus service to shuttle you there and back, Milford Sound is a large fiord stretching 9 miles (or, 15 km should I say) to the open sea. Once there, a boat cruise takes you down to the ocean and back while passing waterfalls, dramatic cliffs, and some popular scuba diving destinations. Milford Sound was highly recommended as an activity on our itinerary, and it truly lived up to the hype! From the stops on the bus ride to the scenic cruise, I was in a constant state of awe that I will never forget. The rest of the trip was just as exciting, but I’ll cover it in the next post! Until then, Cheers!

^^ The car gang on our way to Milford Sound

^^ A snippet of Milford Sound

David Bayer

Biomedical Engineering

University of New South Wales in Sydney, Australia

[semperreformanda]

I really have to remind myself sometimes my work environment is not my entire life. I got a promotion after 3 months into the company which I am grateful for, but I’m learning how incredibly toxic and disorganized my department is. Sometimes I regret accepting the promotion. I’m taking on work that literally 2-3 people can do and I’m not really compensated enough for it. I’m only 2 months in, but I feel a substantial improvement because I can juggle stuff better than when I first started, which is a huge relief. I had my coworker train me for 2 weeks but after that 2 weeks and I was working on my own, it literally felt like I was walking blindfolded trying to get a good grasp of where I’m going and how I’m going to do it. Everything is so fast paced, so...stressful. I’m trying to focus on the big picture. Sometimes it’s just so hard in that 9-5; it feels like the entire office becomes my life (if that makes sense). Then I leave work, and it feels like I take it home with me and I need an hour or two to feel like my normal self again. I leave the office doors, sit in the car, and throughout the drive home I write down what I need to do the next day. It’s like chasing and chasing and chasing and it never ends. But... the yearning to be a housewife is incredibly relentless. Lord willing, when we have a baby, I will leave that work anyways because I cannot for the life of me settle on the idea of sitting on a desk and serving strangers while I leave my own child at home for hours without its mother. I know it can be done and women have done it for years, but I just can’t. So...it’s not my whole world. I have to keep reminding myself. In the midst of angry cursing bosses, frantic deadlines, messy paperwork, multiple phone calls, staying back an hour late - unpaid, stressful meetings, corporate blame games, trying to figure out this and that and how does this work again and so many freaking things. This is not the entire world. This is... just work. And I need to just breathe.

[ippid]

Finding Passion - Kylian Mbappé

Chapter – 1

It was getting harder for me to pretend my joints weren't killing me, and I had to actually drag myself out of bed. I always wake up early because I'm motivated the day before to work out, and then I lay in my bed for what feels like seconds but is actually an hour or three. It's a bad habit I'm trying to get rid of without the trying part.

Meaning, I'm thinking about how much I need to do it and then actually not doing it.

Also, a bad habit.

Lately, I've been feeling more and more restless. I'm 19 years old, and I feel like I'm dead inside.

I'm not depressed or anything. Don't have any crazy stories to tell. I don't have any character-building traumas in my past or anything that would make me a person of interest in the slightest. But I'm feeling dead inside because my life is just so damn boring. Nothing ever happens, and I'm living in this stupid cycle where I feel like I'm never moving forward. I'm not accomplishing anything special in life, and I'm not making any crazy money either. I still live at home with my parents, and I've quit two of my previous attempts at college.

My parents are definitely disappointed in a failure like me. I just know it. I know my parents love me a lot, and they treat me well and support me and everything, but I can just tell they're disappointed because I'm not doing anything with my life.

I never wanted to be this way, but I can't help it. Not only that, but I see everyone around me moving forward with their lives. Buying cars and getting their degrees and jobs. I can see everybody enjoying life and then there's me who is just stuck in one place.

As I said, I can't help it. I get distracted easily and I lose motivation fast. The only thing I do basically all day long is search the internet for fan fiction and other interesting stuff that holds my attention but doesn't benefit me in any way. Or listen to music.

It wasn't always like this, though. Back in high school, I was still good. Everything was fine. I didn't have to do much for a good grade, and I knew I was a smart girl. I was good at a lot of things. Math, science, physics, languages, you name it and I could do it without having to kill myself to understand all the information. I was very proud of this fact, to be honest. I thought I was good and wouldn't really struggle much when I graduated.

That was a lie.

After I graduated and applied for college, I thought I would be interested in becoming an Architect. So I signed up and because it was the first year that everybody had to deal with Covid-19, the courses were hectic and everything became too much, too fast, and I couldn't keep up. I had always hated online learning anyway. The information just doesn't register. It feels like I'm watching a tutorial instead of a lecture. I kept putting things off and in the end, I missed the deadlines and felt like I couldn't do it anymore.

So I dropped out.

I lost interest, and I didn't think it was worth fighting for something I was probably not even going to enjoy doing in the future.

Back then, I didn't stress much. I was freshly 18, and I felt like I was still young, and I could explore my interests better.

So I signed up for a different field of study. I went and decided I could probably handle ICT. Wanted to become a software engineer, so I could make a lot of money and travel without having to go to work every day from 9 to 5. I thought it was a great idea and I would probably be able to do it.

I guess not.

Like the time before, these were still online courses and the material was just too complex for me to understand anything on a deeper level without real face-to-face explanations.

I realized some things then.

1. I don't do good without confrontation. In high school, I went to class and the teacher called you out if you had to answer something, and you just had to know these things if you didn't want to look like a dumb fool. So you studied and took in the information that was provided for you and everything was just easy. Here, you don't have anybody coddling you. You have to do everything yourself, and I am very bad at that. I always think I have more time than I actually do and end up procrastinating so much that I actually miss the damn deadlines.

2. I can't do something I'm not interested in because I will never find the motivation to actually research and do everything that is necessary to pass these college courses when I'm not even interested.

3. I really, really needed to search and find what I wanted to do, and what interests me because I can't keep starting up an education and then dropping out.

Not only that, but I think I will end up actually killing my parents if I do that. My mom's been feeling sick lately. Burnt out and tired. They had me pretty late, and my parents are definitely getting old. So I feel like every time I do something to upset them, or don't do something, I suppose, it weighs them down way more than it normally would or should.

Even with these realizations, I haven't gotten really far.

I just know I don't want a job where I need to think overly much and do paperwork all day. I want something creative and fun with variety. Something I won't get tired of. Something with lots of opportunities and where I can learn more without it feeling like a damn burden.

I've always been good at crafting, drawing, and fixing stuff. I like that a lot, so I've thought about doing something in that area, but I still have no clue what. I wanted to try photography. That's also something I'm very interested in since I've always been the designated photographer for people. But if I do that, then I want to be a photographer for sports or idols. Preferably, for K-pop idols. One of the things I enjoy the most.

I wasn't going to come to a decision right now, though, so I would just have to get up and try to help my mom in the house.

I never actually go outside if I don't have to. My parents have tried to get me to go out, so I could do something, but it's always a temporary thing, and it rarely comes from me personally. So I try to at least help as much as I can around the house.

I've never been a party animal. In fact, I've never been to any parties before, except maybe in middle school a couple of times. I have 2 or 3 friends that I snap with occasionally and one best friend who I almost never see.

I finally drag myself out of bed and into the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face before anything else.

My hair is a mess, and I try to rectify that with a bit of water after removing it from the bun it was supposed to be in and retying it in a ponytail. It always looks short. My hair doesn't grow fast and with it being so curly, I never really notice any differences in length unless I straighten my hair.

After I'm done with that, I tidy up my room a bit and head downstairs to greet my parents. I find my mom in the kitchen making coffee and my dad sitting at the table with some toast and a newspaper in front of him.

I know, and I told you, my parents are old. I greet him and walk up to my mom to kiss her on the cheek. ''Good morning mom.''

''Good morning sweetheart.'' My mom says, smiling at me. That's new, she's not usually smiling this early in the morning. ''What's up mom?'' I say. ''Why are you smiling like that?''

She brings the coffee to the table and sits down next to my dad before turning to me. "We have something to tell you, honey."

Okay, now I'm even more curious. ''We're going to go on a little vacation, and we want you to come with us.'' Oh. Well, I wasn't expecting that, but I'm definitely not complaining. ''Wow, mom, where to?'' I ask ''And how long?''

''Well, we were thinking about going to Paris for a week. It's not that far from here, so we don't have to go by plane. We can take the train.'' She said. I thought about it for a second while taking a seat at the table.

Like I said before, I never really go out and have fun, but I did always have the desire to travel. We live in the Netherlands, Amsterdam, and I have never been to Paris before. Which is crazy. I heard amazing things about Paris, of course. And it didn't hurt that a lot of people moved there for their studies, so maybe with this little vacation, I can at least find some inspiration as to what I want to do in life.

With that, I made up my mind. ''That's great mom! I've always wanted to go there.'' I say ''When are we leaving?''

My parents look at each other and smile. I could see I made them happy with my enthusiastic answer. They've been a bit more insistent that I have fun in the last couple of weeks. So my agreement is probably a relief for them. I can feel that familiar pang of guilt again. They really do deserve so much better than me. I've got to get my shit together.

I try not to let it get to me while I wait to hear when we're leaving.

My dad is the one that answers after looking over at me, ''We're leaving early in the morning this coming Friday, and we'll stay there for 8 nights. We'll return Saturday evening. Make sure you're packed and ready to go on Thursday, kiddo.'' Wow, I hadn't thought we'd be leaving so soon.

It's Tuesday today, so I don't have much time left till we leave. But that doesn't even matter because it's not like I take forever to get ready. I only have to pack clothes.

The more I think about it the more excited I become. I smile to myself and look over at my parents ''Alright, I'm really excited about this! I'm going to let Jess know!'' I say while getting up, ready to run back to my room and phone, so I could text my best friend to let her know.

''Not so fast kiddo, breakfast first!'' My dad says, making me turn around and sit back down quickly.

My parents laugh while I speed through my breakfast, and once I'm done, I quickly kiss both of them on the cheek before sprinting upstairs, ready to tell Jess the news.

.

.

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A/N

Word count :  1875 words

[sorryiwasasleep]

Personal rant

I started my final year of schooling last week and I’ve already missed 9 out of 11 classes so far. I’m burning up all my unexcused absences and I can’t even bring myself to care at all because I don’t want to be in this program getting this degree and I feel incredibly trapped and overwhelmed. I can’t make myself do the readings. I can’t make myself go to class. I can’t make myself care. I can’t seem to do anything at all but lay in bed. I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this for another year. Fuck, I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this even just next week when I no longer can miss class without an excusal. And I can’t drop out anymore cause the deadline for full reimbursement passed, but also that was never a real option for me anyway cause dropping out would also likely mean moving home and that’s just as bad for my brain. Even right now I should be doing my readings for my class that’s at 3:30, but instead I’m typing this. Because I’m sad and I don’t care. But because I didn’t do the readings? I feel like I can’t go to class, so I WON’T which in turn is a problem cause I am using all my skips and I’m missing the first two weeks of class so I’m going to go in SO fucking confused next week probably. Shit shit shit shit fuck.

TW: weight discussion, emetophobia, eating disorder mention (just by name nothing specific), ARFID, depression, anxiety, apathy, mention of American politics

Heavier discussion below

I recently realized (i don’t have a scale in my apt) that I lost about 40 pounds in the span of about 5 months all from a combination of stress/my ADHD medication suppressing my appetite (vyvanse bitch ass doesn’t even work) and stress induced vomited and also vomiting because I treat my body like shit (don’t drink water, cope with unhealthy substances a lil too often, don’t eat anything remotely healthy, barely eat at all anymore if I’m being honest). I knew I’d lost some cause clothes were looser. I thought it was like 10. But no I know how much I weighed in March and it was a full difference of 40 and I know part of this stress and the stress induced vomiting are being caused by school and it’s like… I have another year. Am I just gonna keep wasting away? Something’s gotta give here and I know shit has to change but I have absolutely no drive to actually climb out of the hole I’ve buried myself in. I feel like there’s no point and that even if I crawl out, the world is the same and my family is the same and I’m still in this program and so nothing is actually different anyway. I just wanna let the dirt consume me. I wanna lay in my bed with a sitcom playing mindlessly in the background while I work on my silly little fanfictions until everything just stops except I lay in bed and don’t even do those things but am paralyzed by all the things I should be doing instead that I neglected because I didn’t care and I still don’t care enough to do it, but I feel bad enough to not do anything else either in that time. And I know that’s BAD and that having no motivation for anything is obviously super a ‘ur depression is worse girl’ (hi yea i fucking live inside this stupid head so I already fucking know that. @/my psych and parents). but I keep getting cancelled on or stood up by therapists and my psych has told me three appointments now shit like ‘Well what do you want me to do about?’ (Without even fucking considering something like uhhhhh… idk changing the meds I’m on? Since I’m at the max dose for my anti depressant and I’ve been on it for about half a year and I feel it stagnated because while it seemed to help when I started, now I’m worse? Like, I tell you I feel the worst I’ve ever felt in my entire life and you answer ‘And what do you want me to do?’ YOUR FUCKING JOB? Provide me with my options???? Not be a dick?) And she keeps saying I have to find a therapist because the meds only do so much (I had one but she went on maternity leave in January and then when she came back from it I was too broke to pay every week (which is what my bitch ass brain needs) and then when I wasn’t broke any longer she had ghosted me and she also was my provider for two years and never actually gave me any coping mechanisms so I kinda wanted a new one anyway). The psych did not like when I laughed at her and said “And will you fucking pay for it?” in response the first time she said it even though obviously I know she’s right.

My roommate told me the other day also that I need to get a therapist and that I have to focus my energy into that because she can’t listen to me say the same complaints anymore (she said it nicely, but like I’m crying rn thinking about it and will likely never feel safe to share with her anymore for worry of annoying her.) She also said she doesn’t think I want to help myself. That she wants me to get better and obviously it’s shit what’s happening but that I’m not doing the (what are to her obvious and to me impossible to actually do because of familial enmeshment and financial dependence) things that could maybe make things better. Even though… I AM trying to help myself. Yea it’s not the best I can be doing, but it’s as much as I can fucking manage given my surety that none of this matters and isn’t that worth something? I’ve been looking for a therapist since MAY. They keep standing me up or cancelling or they’re booked or they don’t take my insurance. I had five (5) telehealths where I got stood up. Starting therapy anew is already terrifying but when the person doesn’t show up it just feels like shit. It made me feel like they looked at my paperwork and decided I wasn’t fucked up enough when the reality is yea I held back slightly but that’s because I needed to know the vibes of the place first. That’s not what happened (for at least three appts anyway. The other two ghosted me also after so I never got explanation so maybe it did) but I still felt that way and for someone who already has a lot of problems with imposter syndrome and deep insecurities around being forgotten it really sucked and was incredibly unprofessional of any worker but especially mental health care professionals to do. I have one on Friday. Let’s hope this one doesn’t stand me up 🤞 Also, back to my ungodly amount of rapid weight loss, I did have 40 pounds that could’ve been shed and I am still not what would be consider ‘skinny’ but an average weight, so the worst part of this whole thing is that people are telling me i look GOOD now. Literally it was my MOM. She always implied I’m overweight and need to lose it and pretends like it’s ‘in your best interest honey’ meanwhile I can’t even do the fucking obligations I’m tied to? You think I can fucking do EXTRA? And yea I should use that kickboxing class that I bought, but not to lose weight mother, but because I’m not physically fit in that I cannot go up stairs without getting winded and because I have all the rage in the world (a portion of which goes to her!) and hitting things makes me feel better and it expires soon and was $40 I won’t get back. None of those reasons have to do with my weight, but if I mention I went to that class to her? She’s going to be SO excited on the phone, for all the wrong reasons thinking it’s me trying to get thin, when it’s me trying to get healthy. That is not equivalent to weight loss necessarily, as clearly evidenced here since I lost a shit ton unhealthily. This weekend I got a ‘Do you lose weight? Cause you look great!’ from her. 🫠🙄And i know that people would even more so do that if I do continue on this path of wasting away even though I’m actually unhealthier than I’ve ever been with my eating habits and the weight loss is a result of my depression and anxiety spiraling worse. How about we as a society stop fucking commenting on other peoples weight period full stop. Also it’s SAYING something that I’m the worst ever rn because food and I have always had a weird vibe. I recently learned what ARFID is and I’m fairly confident I’ve had that my entire life and just never had the name for it so that’s certainly something. Anyway idek what the point of this was other than for me to shout into the void because I was sad. If the void wants to shout back and tell me how I’m supposed to function in this life that’d be great cause I didn’t even HIT the state of the world and how that causes half my lack of motivation for anything in this post, but god the American political and legal landscape fill me dread and anxiety and anger and I can never escape them.

TLDR: I’m sad, I can’t bring myself to go to class at all in these first two weeks of classes. I need a therapist but they keep cancelling when I finally get an appointment and find one that accepts my insurance. My psych is kinda bad and my roommate was trying to help but did it in a way that hurt me more. I wanna drop out but can’t and also school is impacting my mental health so severely that I lost an extreme amount of weight in a short amount of time. Got complimented by mom even though I’m literally unhealthy. Separate from that but intertwined, I might have ARFID, possibly for my whole life and I am genuinely SHOCKED it never once was suggested by a medical professional to my parents when I was a child.

[seekerwithsneakers]

moved to a uni in another city for summer research ... the campus is kinda empty, my supervisors are leaving for a week, i dont know anyone ,,, i have so much time but the dread of being alone makes me just watch kdramas and stuff to feel good but i worked today for like 4 hours and those 4 hours felt good

it is just that stopping the shows is so hard and makes me feel terribly lonely

also i feel lost in the research part ... like when studying for exams or during the school year i know about deadlines but here i dont know how to set deadlines for myself... i need to get something out of here

also self studying for GRE i feel kinda slaggy like yes i am studying just not enough

i have set my goals fr each day but i barely meet them -

ok ay maybe schedule the day ->

morning till -12 - internship work

1 - lunch

2-5 research work

5-6 vocab gre

6-9 chill +dinner

9-10 practice questions

i should start using the questionbanks judiciously cause i will loose access to test prep by the end of this month