#and my foot is pedal to the metal unfortunately but I can’t even care enough to move it

[sorryiwasasleep]

Personal rant

I started my final year of schooling last week and I’ve already missed 9 out of 11 classes so far. I’m burning up all my unexcused absences and I can’t even bring myself to care at all because I don’t want to be in this program getting this degree and I feel incredibly trapped and overwhelmed. I can’t make myself do the readings. I can’t make myself go to class. I can’t make myself care. I can’t seem to do anything at all but lay in bed. I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this for another year. Fuck, I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this even just next week when I no longer can miss class without an excusal. And I can’t drop out anymore cause the deadline for full reimbursement passed, but also that was never a real option for me anyway cause dropping out would also likely mean moving home and that’s just as bad for my brain. Even right now I should be doing my readings for my class that’s at 3:30, but instead I’m typing this. Because I’m sad and I don’t care. But because I didn’t do the readings? I feel like I can’t go to class, so I WON’T which in turn is a problem cause I am using all my skips and I’m missing the first two weeks of class so I’m going to go in SO fucking confused next week probably. Shit shit shit shit fuck.

TW: weight discussion, emetophobia, eating disorder mention (just by name nothing specific), ARFID, depression, anxiety, apathy, mention of American politics

Heavier discussion below

I recently realized (i don’t have a scale in my apt) that I lost about 40 pounds in the span of about 5 months all from a combination of stress/my ADHD medication suppressing my appetite (vyvanse bitch ass doesn’t even work) and stress induced vomited and also vomiting because I treat my body like shit (don’t drink water, cope with unhealthy substances a lil too often, don’t eat anything remotely healthy, barely eat at all anymore if I’m being honest). I knew I’d lost some cause clothes were looser. I thought it was like 10. But no I know how much I weighed in March and it was a full difference of 40 and I know part of this stress and the stress induced vomiting are being caused by school and it’s like… I have another year. Am I just gonna keep wasting away? Something’s gotta give here and I know shit has to change but I have absolutely no drive to actually climb out of the hole I’ve buried myself in. I feel like there’s no point and that even if I crawl out, the world is the same and my family is the same and I’m still in this program and so nothing is actually different anyway. I just wanna let the dirt consume me. I wanna lay in my bed with a sitcom playing mindlessly in the background while I work on my silly little fanfictions until everything just stops except I lay in bed and don’t even do those things but am paralyzed by all the things I should be doing instead that I neglected because I didn’t care and I still don’t care enough to do it, but I feel bad enough to not do anything else either in that time. And I know that’s BAD and that having no motivation for anything is obviously super a ‘ur depression is worse girl’ (hi yea i fucking live inside this stupid head so I already fucking know that. @/my psych and parents). but I keep getting cancelled on or stood up by therapists and my psych has told me three appointments now shit like ‘Well what do you want me to do about?’ (Without even fucking considering something like uhhhhh… idk changing the meds I’m on? Since I’m at the max dose for my anti depressant and I’ve been on it for about half a year and I feel it stagnated because while it seemed to help when I started, now I’m worse? Like, I tell you I feel the worst I’ve ever felt in my entire life and you answer ‘And what do you want me to do?’ YOUR FUCKING JOB? Provide me with my options???? Not be a dick?) And she keeps saying I have to find a therapist because the meds only do so much (I had one but she went on maternity leave in January and then when she came back from it I was too broke to pay every week (which is what my bitch ass brain needs) and then when I wasn’t broke any longer she had ghosted me and she also was my provider for two years and never actually gave me any coping mechanisms so I kinda wanted a new one anyway). The psych did not like when I laughed at her and said “And will you fucking pay for it?” in response the first time she said it even though obviously I know she’s right.

My roommate told me the other day also that I need to get a therapist and that I have to focus my energy into that because she can’t listen to me say the same complaints anymore (she said it nicely, but like I’m crying rn thinking about it and will likely never feel safe to share with her anymore for worry of annoying her.) She also said she doesn’t think I want to help myself. That she wants me to get better and obviously it’s shit what’s happening but that I’m not doing the (what are to her obvious and to me impossible to actually do because of familial enmeshment and financial dependence) things that could maybe make things better. Even though… I AM trying to help myself. Yea it’s not the best I can be doing, but it’s as much as I can fucking manage given my surety that none of this matters and isn’t that worth something? I’ve been looking for a therapist since MAY. They keep standing me up or cancelling or they’re booked or they don’t take my insurance. I had five (5) telehealths where I got stood up. Starting therapy anew is already terrifying but when the person doesn’t show up it just feels like shit. It made me feel like they looked at my paperwork and decided I wasn’t fucked up enough when the reality is yea I held back slightly but that’s because I needed to know the vibes of the place first. That’s not what happened (for at least three appts anyway. The other two ghosted me also after so I never got explanation so maybe it did) but I still felt that way and for someone who already has a lot of problems with imposter syndrome and deep insecurities around being forgotten it really sucked and was incredibly unprofessional of any worker but especially mental health care professionals to do. I have one on Friday. Let’s hope this one doesn’t stand me up 🤞 Also, back to my ungodly amount of rapid weight loss, I did have 40 pounds that could’ve been shed and I am still not what would be consider ‘skinny’ but an average weight, so the worst part of this whole thing is that people are telling me i look GOOD now. Literally it was my MOM. She always implied I’m overweight and need to lose it and pretends like it’s ‘in your best interest honey’ meanwhile I can’t even do the fucking obligations I’m tied to? You think I can fucking do EXTRA? And yea I should use that kickboxing class that I bought, but not to lose weight mother, but because I’m not physically fit in that I cannot go up stairs without getting winded and because I have all the rage in the world (a portion of which goes to her!) and hitting things makes me feel better and it expires soon and was $40 I won’t get back. None of those reasons have to do with my weight, but if I mention I went to that class to her? She’s going to be SO excited on the phone, for all the wrong reasons thinking it’s me trying to get thin, when it’s me trying to get healthy. That is not equivalent to weight loss necessarily, as clearly evidenced here since I lost a shit ton unhealthily. This weekend I got a ‘Do you lose weight? Cause you look great!’ from her. 🫠🙄And i know that people would even more so do that if I do continue on this path of wasting away even though I’m actually unhealthier than I’ve ever been with my eating habits and the weight loss is a result of my depression and anxiety spiraling worse. How about we as a society stop fucking commenting on other peoples weight period full stop. Also it’s SAYING something that I’m the worst ever rn because food and I have always had a weird vibe. I recently learned what ARFID is and I’m fairly confident I’ve had that my entire life and just never had the name for it so that’s certainly something. Anyway idek what the point of this was other than for me to shout into the void because I was sad. If the void wants to shout back and tell me how I’m supposed to function in this life that’d be great cause I didn’t even HIT the state of the world and how that causes half my lack of motivation for anything in this post, but god the American political and legal landscape fill me dread and anxiety and anger and I can never escape them.

TLDR: I’m sad, I can’t bring myself to go to class at all in these first two weeks of classes. I need a therapist but they keep cancelling when I finally get an appointment and find one that accepts my insurance. My psych is kinda bad and my roommate was trying to help but did it in a way that hurt me more. I wanna drop out but can’t and also school is impacting my mental health so severely that I lost an extreme amount of weight in a short amount of time. Got complimented by mom even though I’m literally unhealthy. Separate from that but intertwined, I might have ARFID, possibly for my whole life and I am genuinely SHOCKED it never once was suggested by a medical professional to my parents when I was a child.

[justakpopfic]

I am Not-Chapter 10

Stray kids fic

Masterlist

“CB97! Where are we going?” WJ00 asked as we ran down the hallways. The guards ran in the opposite direction, and I couldn’t believe that I fooled them all.

“To our escape ticket,” I said as we reached the back of District 9. The dim lights showed that there were multiple doors. Which one lead to the vehicle?

“What do we do now?” SM71 said. I took in the hallway. The alarm blared, red lights flashed on the walls. That alarm won’t last forever. We need to move.

“We need to find a door that leads downstairs,” I said. I ran up to the first door. Locked. I took the ring of keys from my pocket. Almost an infinite amount hung on the ring.

“Oh…we don’t have time for this,” I mumbled to myself.

“What do you mean? What’s the hold up?” LM55 was beside me, eyes flickering to the keys and the door.

“The key should match the lock,” LM55 said. “Try using a small silver key,”

The rest of the boys watched as I fumbled the keys in my hand until I grabbed a small silver one.

“Let’s hope this works,” I said as I inserted the key.

The key fit perfectly in the lock. I turned it one direction. I heard a soft click. I almost missed it over the alarm still ringing.

I turned the knob. The door opened.

“I worked!” I said. The door led to a dark room. But the red lights in there revealed a staircase.

“This is where we need to go,” I said. I pushed the door open wider. “Let’s go guys,”

The boys all filed into the stairwell. Once the last person was inside, I closed the door. But not before checking that it was locked from the outside. We didn’t need guards chasing us down here.

We dashed down the stairs. I don’t think I’ve ever seen this many stairs in my life before. It felt like forever until we reached the bottom.

I heard gasps and sucked in breaths once I stepped onto the floor.

“I recognize this…thing,” CB82 said in awe. He turned towards me. “Do you remember…?”

“Yes, I do,” I said, remembering the book that CB82 stole once with its large vehicles. A wave of longing washed over me. I’m not sure what I’m longing for now. The past?

No, I’m leaving my past now.

“This is our ticket out of here,” I said. “We just need to get inside.”

We scanned the entire vehicle. IN42 found a door.

It was a strange door. It had no handle or any way of us opening it.

“How would we get inside?” IN42 asked. I didn’t say anything. I didn’t think about how we might not even be able to use this. What am I supposed to tell him?

“There’s only one thing to do,” a voice said. Turns out the voice was HJ19. He and LF20 grabbed the middle splitting the door in half. They grunted and pulled for ages. Reluctantly, the door opened, making a screeching sound that the guards could probably hear.

The guards. They’d have to know that we’re hear.

“Everyone get inside!” I said, as I lead IN42 and SM71 up the steps inside. Soon everyone climbed onto the bus, except for me.

I heard a voice. A harsh voice. My heart sank.

“Stop right where you are!” The voice said. I risked turning my head in the voices direction.

A guard was standing there. With a gun.

I scrambled onto the bus, panicking.

“Close the door!” I shouted. I tried to grab the doors to close it, but they almost shut onto my fingers.

“Sorry,” a new voice hushed. It was HH49. His hand gripped a strange handle. The guard was banging on the door, screaming at us to come out.

“We need to go now,” WJ00 warned.

“I know but…” It dawned on me.

I didn’t know how to make this vehicle move.

My eyes stared at all of the contraptions and buttons lining the front of the bus. They blurred together, making it even harder to make sense of it all.

The boys shouted at me, telling me to do something. But what snapped me back to reality was the bang.

The guard was trying to break the door with his bat. Another bang sounded, cracking the glass.

I heard weeping, it surrounded me. I couldn’t stay still. I couldn’t let these boys down.

I whipped out my keys, only to have them snatched out of my hands.

LM55 sat into the front seat, accessing everything laid out in front of him. I guess he got sick of my waiting and decided to take matters into his own hands.

That’s understandable. I wasn’t being helpful.

The banging continued. The weeping increased. The reality slowly settled onto me that we might die…

And never be free.

I wanted to try and stop the guard from hitting the window, but I was stopped by a roar.

White lights shone in front of the vehicle. The roar lowered to a growling. The vehicle vibrated. The guard froze, holding his bat in mid-air.

“I think it worked!” LM55 said, shocked.

“Well if you could figure that out.” I ran up next to him, desperately wanting to get out of here. “Then make this thing move!”

LM55 glanced downwards. I followed his eyes to see two rectangles that seemed to be elevated above the ground.

The window was nearly broken, and the guard raised his bat to strike it again. My heart stopped beating as I could only watch.

“Go!” Someone screamed. And we did.

LM55 slammed his foot on one of the pedals. The first one didn’t do anything, except lurch us forward uselessly. The second one sent us flying.

I fell backwards, hitting my bruised head against the ground. I heard shouts of concern, but the room was spinning too much for me.

As I got back up. I felt motion. Looking around, the bus was moving. Actually moving.

My heart loosened. But then I saw lights.

The lights flashed, painting the room in red. The alarm slashed at my heart.

It told me: You won’t make it.

My heart reached my toes if it were possible. We had to get out of here. I came too far to die. I can’t die. I can’t let these boys die.

I could never live knowing I killed these boys.

I had no time to ponder why I care about these boys so much, because the giant vehicle swerved. I fell back to the ground, along with some of the other boys on the bus. I could make out the groans over the notorious bell.

LM55 was acting like a maniac, holding a circle object in his hand that somehow controlled the huge chunk of metal. I stood back up, searching the red bathed room.

“Over there!” I said, pointing at a fence-like gate. That must be how this vehicle got inside and outside of the place. That’s where we needed to go.

LM55 sped towards the gate. He wasn’t planning to slow down. What was he planning?

I didn’t find out until the vehicle smashed into the gate. The front windows shattered, causing the boys behind us to hide under the seats.

LM55 and I winced at the cracking sound the windows and gate made. The gate crumbled, making me believe that it was as fragile as glass. LM55 kept bumbling on as if the gate opened up for us.

We rolled up on a small hill. I gripped onto LM55s seat, not wanting to fall again. A faint light poked at my eyes in the distance. It looked like hope to me. My heart swelled with it.

It wasn’t hope.

Instead, it was the front of District 9. And guards swarmed the place. The front field that led to the gates was speckled with black uniforms.

My heart gave up on hope. All we had was luck now.

“What do we do now?” A voice cried out from behind us. I recognized it as WJ00.

“Yeah! What now CB97?” HJ19 said.

Unfortunately, I didn’t know.

The crying and the alarm morphed into a taunting voice that sang about my inevitable failure. The Black Sea of guards, holding their guns out, ready to shoot us on sight. It became blurry as tears flooded my eyes.

“This is it…” I said, my voice choked and barely audible. “This is the end…”

“No it isn’t,” LM55 said, eyes narrowed, focussing only on the gate. He bounded towards the guards fearlessly.

Is going to do what I think he’s doing?

“LM55! You’re gonna crash!” I said.

“Then how do we get that gate to open?” LM55 said, driving at the gate with such speed that caused the guards to fly out of our way. My heart pounded mercilessly in my chest. My mind snapped back into reality. I turned my head through the whole vehicle l, and I saw a stone under a seat.

I picked it up. It was small and jagged in my hand, but just heavy enough.

“Help me open that window!” I pointed to a window at the front. I didn’t want to trust the broken windows. HH49, the closest to me, rushed to a window. We both fiddled with the latches frantically before finally sliding it down.

“Hurry!” LM55 shouted. “I can’t slow down!”

The gate grew bigger each second. The guards seemed to increase in number. However that also meant that the control pad, which was right next to the gate, was getting closer.

I held the rock in my hand, praying to whoever could be listening.

I threw the stone with all of my strength. The rock smashed into pieces against the pad.

For a moment there, I thought it didn’t work.

But then the gate groaned, and opened its mouth to let us through. I heard cheers of relief, and the roar of the engine.

The vehicle flung itself through the gates, taking the nine of us with it. I glanced behind me to see the guards shooting at the machine, but to no avail.

LM55 guided the vehicle far away from District 9.

I collapsed onto a seat, finally able to properly breathe.

The tears came back to my eyes. But I wasn’t sad. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so relieved and…

Happy.