#so then I’m fucked and constantly stressed and panicked

[sorryiwasasleep]

Personal rant

I started my final year of schooling last week and I’ve already missed 9 out of 11 classes so far. I’m burning up all my unexcused absences and I can’t even bring myself to care at all because I don’t want to be in this program getting this degree and I feel incredibly trapped and overwhelmed. I can’t make myself do the readings. I can’t make myself go to class. I can’t make myself care. I can’t seem to do anything at all but lay in bed. I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this for another year. Fuck, I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this even just next week when I no longer can miss class without an excusal. And I can’t drop out anymore cause the deadline for full reimbursement passed, but also that was never a real option for me anyway cause dropping out would also likely mean moving home and that’s just as bad for my brain. Even right now I should be doing my readings for my class that’s at 3:30, but instead I’m typing this. Because I’m sad and I don’t care. But because I didn’t do the readings? I feel like I can’t go to class, so I WON’T which in turn is a problem cause I am using all my skips and I’m missing the first two weeks of class so I’m going to go in SO fucking confused next week probably. Shit shit shit shit fuck.

TW: weight discussion, emetophobia, eating disorder mention (just by name nothing specific), ARFID, depression, anxiety, apathy, mention of American politics

Heavier discussion below

I recently realized (i don’t have a scale in my apt) that I lost about 40 pounds in the span of about 5 months all from a combination of stress/my ADHD medication suppressing my appetite (vyvanse bitch ass doesn’t even work) and stress induced vomited and also vomiting because I treat my body like shit (don’t drink water, cope with unhealthy substances a lil too often, don’t eat anything remotely healthy, barely eat at all anymore if I’m being honest). I knew I’d lost some cause clothes were looser. I thought it was like 10. But no I know how much I weighed in March and it was a full difference of 40 and I know part of this stress and the stress induced vomiting are being caused by school and it’s like… I have another year. Am I just gonna keep wasting away? Something’s gotta give here and I know shit has to change but I have absolutely no drive to actually climb out of the hole I’ve buried myself in. I feel like there’s no point and that even if I crawl out, the world is the same and my family is the same and I’m still in this program and so nothing is actually different anyway. I just wanna let the dirt consume me. I wanna lay in my bed with a sitcom playing mindlessly in the background while I work on my silly little fanfictions until everything just stops except I lay in bed and don’t even do those things but am paralyzed by all the things I should be doing instead that I neglected because I didn’t care and I still don’t care enough to do it, but I feel bad enough to not do anything else either in that time. And I know that’s BAD and that having no motivation for anything is obviously super a ‘ur depression is worse girl’ (hi yea i fucking live inside this stupid head so I already fucking know that. @/my psych and parents). but I keep getting cancelled on or stood up by therapists and my psych has told me three appointments now shit like ‘Well what do you want me to do about?’ (Without even fucking considering something like uhhhhh… idk changing the meds I’m on? Since I’m at the max dose for my anti depressant and I’ve been on it for about half a year and I feel it stagnated because while it seemed to help when I started, now I’m worse? Like, I tell you I feel the worst I’ve ever felt in my entire life and you answer ‘And what do you want me to do?’ YOUR FUCKING JOB? Provide me with my options???? Not be a dick?) And she keeps saying I have to find a therapist because the meds only do so much (I had one but she went on maternity leave in January and then when she came back from it I was too broke to pay every week (which is what my bitch ass brain needs) and then when I wasn’t broke any longer she had ghosted me and she also was my provider for two years and never actually gave me any coping mechanisms so I kinda wanted a new one anyway). The psych did not like when I laughed at her and said “And will you fucking pay for it?” in response the first time she said it even though obviously I know she’s right.

My roommate told me the other day also that I need to get a therapist and that I have to focus my energy into that because she can’t listen to me say the same complaints anymore (she said it nicely, but like I’m crying rn thinking about it and will likely never feel safe to share with her anymore for worry of annoying her.) She also said she doesn’t think I want to help myself. That she wants me to get better and obviously it’s shit what’s happening but that I’m not doing the (what are to her obvious and to me impossible to actually do because of familial enmeshment and financial dependence) things that could maybe make things better. Even though… I AM trying to help myself. Yea it’s not the best I can be doing, but it’s as much as I can fucking manage given my surety that none of this matters and isn’t that worth something? I’ve been looking for a therapist since MAY. They keep standing me up or cancelling or they’re booked or they don’t take my insurance. I had five (5) telehealths where I got stood up. Starting therapy anew is already terrifying but when the person doesn’t show up it just feels like shit. It made me feel like they looked at my paperwork and decided I wasn’t fucked up enough when the reality is yea I held back slightly but that’s because I needed to know the vibes of the place first. That’s not what happened (for at least three appts anyway. The other two ghosted me also after so I never got explanation so maybe it did) but I still felt that way and for someone who already has a lot of problems with imposter syndrome and deep insecurities around being forgotten it really sucked and was incredibly unprofessional of any worker but especially mental health care professionals to do. I have one on Friday. Let’s hope this one doesn’t stand me up 🤞 Also, back to my ungodly amount of rapid weight loss, I did have 40 pounds that could’ve been shed and I am still not what would be consider ‘skinny’ but an average weight, so the worst part of this whole thing is that people are telling me i look GOOD now. Literally it was my MOM. She always implied I’m overweight and need to lose it and pretends like it’s ‘in your best interest honey’ meanwhile I can’t even do the fucking obligations I’m tied to? You think I can fucking do EXTRA? And yea I should use that kickboxing class that I bought, but not to lose weight mother, but because I’m not physically fit in that I cannot go up stairs without getting winded and because I have all the rage in the world (a portion of which goes to her!) and hitting things makes me feel better and it expires soon and was $40 I won’t get back. None of those reasons have to do with my weight, but if I mention I went to that class to her? She’s going to be SO excited on the phone, for all the wrong reasons thinking it’s me trying to get thin, when it’s me trying to get healthy. That is not equivalent to weight loss necessarily, as clearly evidenced here since I lost a shit ton unhealthily. This weekend I got a ‘Do you lose weight? Cause you look great!’ from her. 🫠🙄And i know that people would even more so do that if I do continue on this path of wasting away even though I’m actually unhealthier than I’ve ever been with my eating habits and the weight loss is a result of my depression and anxiety spiraling worse. How about we as a society stop fucking commenting on other peoples weight period full stop. Also it’s SAYING something that I’m the worst ever rn because food and I have always had a weird vibe. I recently learned what ARFID is and I’m fairly confident I’ve had that my entire life and just never had the name for it so that’s certainly something. Anyway idek what the point of this was other than for me to shout into the void because I was sad. If the void wants to shout back and tell me how I’m supposed to function in this life that’d be great cause I didn’t even HIT the state of the world and how that causes half my lack of motivation for anything in this post, but god the American political and legal landscape fill me dread and anxiety and anger and I can never escape them.

TLDR: I’m sad, I can’t bring myself to go to class at all in these first two weeks of classes. I need a therapist but they keep cancelling when I finally get an appointment and find one that accepts my insurance. My psych is kinda bad and my roommate was trying to help but did it in a way that hurt me more. I wanna drop out but can’t and also school is impacting my mental health so severely that I lost an extreme amount of weight in a short amount of time. Got complimented by mom even though I’m literally unhealthy. Separate from that but intertwined, I might have ARFID, possibly for my whole life and I am genuinely SHOCKED it never once was suggested by a medical professional to my parents when I was a child.

[bee-wg]

Year 4:

Beep Beep Beep Beep

“Oh my god, uncle! You’re gonna burn the house down!” Theo yelled.

“David, What happened? Is your hand bleeding?” Mom screamed

“Ahahaha, it’s nothing Chloe, don’t worry about it. I was just trying to make everyone a surprise breakfast,” Dad said.

“It’s nothing? There’s fire on the stove!” Mom said frantically.

“I got the fire extinguisher, don’t worry. Just a little mishap,” Dad said, trying to cheer them up.

“Uncle, you’re bleeding all over the fire extinguisher! We need to get him to the hospital,” Theo said.

“Hahaha, I guess I am a little clumsy,” Dad said.

Beep Beep Beep

“Someone please turn off the fire alarm, it’s stressing me out,” Mom asked

“What’s happening?” I asked, half asleep in my Pajamas.

Sometimes life surprises you, one moment, you were having a sweet dream. Then, you’re driving your bleeding father to the hospital in Pajamas. The new SUV does feel nice to drive, at least.

“I’m fine, guys. I think it must be the sugar. If I would’ve put more in it, this wouldn’t have happened,” Dad said.

“David, I love you, but don’t you EVER pull stupid stunts like that again,” Mom said, leaning on Dad’s shoulder.

Apparently, Dad wanted to surprise us with waffles for breakfast and thank Mom for all the delicious food she made. He was also hungry for a snack, so he broke Mom's one rule: Don’t mess with her kitchen.

The doctor said he could remove the cast in two months, about the time Theo and I graduate. He already got an internship in a restaurant, bringing home some fancy leftovers. 

Mom has not let off her sight from Dad since we got back. She gave him a firm warning and pinched his cheek. Now Dad gets ice cream and meals delivered to his mouth without lifting a finger.

I wish someone would do that for me. Imagine not having to leave the bed and constantly having sweets in your mouth. That would be a dream.

My thoughts disturb me sometimes. 

Since winning the competition, I have accepted that I will never be muscular again. The original plan was to savour everything I could for a year, then go on a diet. Mom and Theo have slowed down with the food so that I won’t eat until my stomach is about to burst, but they won’t refuse if I ask for something.

Now I am close to 500 pounds with my stomach always growling for more. I guess it’s just another fat ass behaviour I would have to accept.

Since losing weight is out of the question, I have figured out a way to keep my core muscle fit enough to support the enormous belly in front of me. It’s simple, I stick an 8-inch dildo from Seven’s house to my chair, and I would sit on it when I’m playing video games or watching a movie. When the itch gets too much, I can use my core muscles to lift myself up and down. This way, I get to work out and get off. It's not good for the chair, but who cares? It’s reinforced.

***

It was a regular lunchtime when Brad broke into my house again. Usually, he would greet my parents and head straight upstairs to perform witchcraft for all I care, but today, his footsteps are leading to my door.

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. Brad is the kind of asshole that does not knock. I still have the dildo in me!

I panicked and pulled up my pants before getting off the dildo.

He came in right as I flopped my belly down to cover the fact that my pants were not fully pulled up.

“Sup,” I said.

“Sup, Jay,” he reached out his fist for a bump.

“So, you know our last season of football in college just ended,” he said. 

Brad walked to my left to sit on my bed.

I rotate my seat to face him so he doesn’t see my ass hanging out in the back.

“Oh, fuck!” I yelped.

Fuck, the dildo twisted in the movement, now poking my prostate. 

“You okay, dude?” Brad asked.

“Of course, continue,” I said with the best smile I could muster.

“The guys are celebrating, so it’s like the last party for the team, and I was wondering if,”

“Okay, yeah, I’ll go,” I said quickly.

“Oh, that’s it? You usually don't like to go out or like- move at all,” he said, then stood up.

His sudden movement startled me, and the dildo jerked deeper.

“Are you sure you’re okay, dude?” Brad said, walking closer.

“I’m all good bruh, don’t worry,” I said.

I can feel my hole tensing, almost swallowing the dildo whole.

“I just don’t want you to be angry at me for fucking your cousin. If you want me to stop, I will,” he said.

“You what the who?” I said, baffled.

“I’m fucking,”

“Ew no, don’t tell me. I’m fine as long as you never mention doing that with my cousin ever again,” I said.

He let out a breath.

“Well, that’s something out of my chest. I’m going up now. I’ll come here and pick you up tomorrow night,” Brad said, rushing out the door.

I let out a breath too.

The locks will never be open after this traumatic experience.

My ass is still tingling, so I quickly fuck myself with the dildo to get over with it.

***

The drive to the house has been excruciatingly slow because Brad is a cautious driver. It leaves a lot of time to think without food distracting me.

I am now extremely aware of the bright yellow Pikachu face stretching across my belly. There aren't many clothes that fit me, and it’s been a while since I went out, so I didn’t bother buying new shirts. 

I haven’t seen them in a while. They’re gonna think I’m fucking lame.

“Dude, snap out of it. Everyone there misses you. I didn’t invite the assholes,” Brad said.

“…I guess.” 

“You’re doing the arm-scratching thing again, haven’t seen you doing that in a while,” Brad said.

“I’m going to put on some music, and you’re going to stop thinking, okay?” Brad added.

“Yeah, okay,” I replied.

When we opened the door, Marcus the quarterback greeted us, and half my worries melted away. 

He is about 300 pounds, which feels skinny to me now. At least I’m not the only fat one.

Now that I look into it, not everyone has defined abs. I don’t know why I expected everyone to be runway models. Even Brad is softer around the middle.

“Dude! Where have you been?” Aiden yelled.

“Oh shit, you look humongous, my guy,” Braxton said.

We quickly got back into the groove we had two summers ago.

Brad booted up a party game, and we tried our hardest to destroy each other.

We also caught up on what each of us was up to this past year, or what to do with our future. Aiden wants to marry his girlfriend, Marcus wants to join his boyfriend’s band, and Brad wants to be a freelance artist alongside his side job.

When the night came, They ordered some Chicken wings and pizzas.

“Fuck yeah, trash food! No more diet from Coach,” Aiden said, taking away half the pizza.

“By the way, I bought extra pizzas to see how much we can push ourselves,” Brad said.

I have a bad feeling about this.

“Of course, if it’s too much, we can always count on Jay,” Brad laughed.

There are six of us, with twenty large pizzas. I am screwed.

“It’s just some pizzas, no big deal. I can beat Jay easily,” Braxton, the most muscular guy in the group, said.

“Hahaha, don’t underestimate him, my dude,” Brad replied.

Except for Marcus, all of them are wimps. They started groaning and bitching after a few slices.

“Damn it, how do you make it look so easy,” Aiden asked.

“There’s a technique to it, dumb ass. I trained for this shit,” I answered.

Aiden then passed out from the food coma after six slices. 

Two more people soon followed after him.

Brad is on his way to his second pizza. His stomach has never looked this bloated before. Marcus is trying his hardest on his fourth one, but the guy is barely hanging on.

When the seventh pizza box emptied, I was stuffed beyond belief.

The guys woke up and refocused their energy on me to finish the rest.

“There’s only two left, people. Finish it,” I said, pointing at the boxes.

“We’re not on your level, Jay. You’re like, a pro at this,” Aiden said.

“Yeah, man. Only you can do it,” Brad said.

Braxton handed the pizza box over, and they started feeding me slice by slice.

“Come on Jay, you’re better than this,” Aiden said and rubbed my belly.

These people have no personal boundaries like always.

I am beyond capacity after the eighth one.

This was most likely a fucked up plan by Brad to show they don’t care I’m a fat ass. I still believed they wouldn’t like me because of my size until a few hours ago, now it seems ridiculous to reject all those party invites last year. Well, maybe I was up to something because now they’re trying to suffocate me with pizzas.

When Aiden stuffed the last of the slices in my mouth, everyone cheered.

Tonight was absurd, but I got my friends back. When some guys were not happy for a fat guy to be on the team, they stopped hanging out with me. I thought I was a lost cause.

“Dude, you better come back next time,” Aiden said.

“I’m gonna beat you next time, Jay. Watch it,” Braxton said.

“Awesome to have you back, man,” Marcus said.

It reminds me of that summer when we hung out by the river every time the fast food party room got too suffocating, when my worries were carried away by the water. 

“Thanks, Brad. For doing this,” I told him once we got in the car.

“No problem, I’m always here,” he answered.

I must have gotten too sentimental, or pizzas are clogging my brain, but I opened my Instagram and tabbed Recent in the search bar.

It seems like he made some new decorations for the coffee shop. 

I scrolled down to see the picture of the beach.

“Stop scrolling like a creep, Jay. Just call him,” he said.

“What?” I asked.

“He’s still waiting for that coffee,” Brad said.

“You still talk to Ave?” I asked.

“This is fucking depressing to watch, Jay. You guys were best friends,” he said.

“You know, I was kinda jealous of you guys back in the day. I was the skinny guy who got bullied on the side, and you were the guy on the team who still takes the time of day to befriend me. I only had you, and you also had him. It’s frustrating seeing you throw that away,” he finishes.

He doesn’t understand though. I’m a hypocrite who ignored Ave when he got fat. I don’t deserve his attention.

***

It’s been two weeks since our graduations and Dad getting his cast off. Mom has been working full-time, trying to figure out what we could do as a family to celebrate. It’s proven to be difficult when there are two 500-pound whales in said family. We can’t fit into any amusement park ride, and we’ll sink into the bottom of the ocean if we go to the beach. So, the rational thing to do is a picnic. At least that’s what I suggested. But Mom insisted a camping trip was the best family bonding option. For two whales.

It’s fine, I thought to myself. We have done this plenty of times.

After stuffing Dad in the front seat and the emergency food boxes in the back of the SUV. Mom explained the bags of medicines she bought like a flight attendant with the safety instructions. She must have been traumatized by Dad’s injury. He’s not allowed to do anything remotely dangerous, like moving his hand to eat. Hence, the army medical packs.

Mom went through the bottles of fox spray, bear spray, mosquito spray, sun spray and pepper spray, and then we finally got moving.

On our way there, we had some intermissions at the gas stations to replenish snacks. Theo whined it, but this was all his fault anyway.  If only he hadn’t grown our monstrous appetite, and forced musical soundtracks to be played in the car for hours, I might have skipped over a few snack breaks.

Recently, my weight has stabilized at about 520 pounds. Thank God my exercises on the chair worked; otherwise, I’m going to blow up on my way to the camp. 

“Guys, Brad said safe trip, and he’ll miss us,” Theo said.

“He probably only meant you,” I replied.

Theo has been giggling for an hour straight, looking at his phone.

“I’ll miss you, Bradley. The signal’s breaking off. See you soon!” Theo said.

We set up the camp in a few hours. By the time we were done, the sun had already set, giving the mountain an orange hue. 

Today we’re going up to Sunshore Lake. It’s going to be a steep walk, but I’m ready to flex my athletic prowess.

It was not a good sign that I was already sweating before arriving at the entrance.

“David, this is a bit steeper than I remembered. Do you guys want to stay down here?” Mom said.

“Nah. Jay and I will do it. This is a piece of cake compared to what we used to do. Right, son?” Despite not having to walk for more than a year, Dad remains confident.

“Hell yeah, Dad. Let’s show them what we're made of!” I said.

I give up. We’re a third of the way through, and I can feel my belly weighing me down.

“Come on -huff, son, you -huff-can do it!” Dad said, looking worse than I do.

Theo looked at us and chuckled.

“Guys, I’m so sorry! I should’ve known this was too much,” Mom said, panicking.

“It’s- it’s all good, Chloe. Remember you married the- huff- Star athlete back in college?” Dad smiled at Mom and gave her a thumbs up.

“Need a hand?” Theo asked me.

“Isn’t that too much?” I motioned to our luggage on his back.

“Oh, that’s nothing,” he swung my arm behind his shoulder and carried me.

He’s been doing that more often than not when I couldn’t get up. Probably the reason he got all those muscles under his shirt. What happened to the noodle arm ginger?

“Thanks, man. I guess I don’t have to roll back down there,” I said.

When we were halfway through, Dad told us solemnly.

“I- I don’t think I can make it.”

“Noooo, David I’m sorry! I didn’t mean for things to end this way,” Mom said with tears in her eyes.

“I love you guys. You’re the light of my life. I am honour to be a husband, a father, and a-” 

“Dad, you’re not dying. We’re almost there,” I said.

“Is it too late to call an emergency helicopter?” Mom asked.

“David, I love you, but I really don’t want to touch you right now. Can you pull through yourself, baby?” Mom said, looking at the sweat ball that was Dad.

Theo burst out laughing, and I couldn’t help but join too, even if I was in an equally dire situation.

When we got to the top, everyone was exhausted. 

We cleaned ourselves up with towels, and Mom went to check the Kayaking information. 

Dad and I were too big for it, as expected, so we went to find a good spot for fishing.

“I’m so excited. I have never kayaked before!” Theo said, looking as refreshed as ever.

Before we set up our fishing gear, they eagerly ditched us.

The Lake looked as calm as ever. It's boring with little going on.

Mom and Theo are probably in the middle of the lake now.

Staring at the stale water, I realized Dad was not perfect. He’s a little stubborn, clueless sometimes, but that’s what I like about him. I don’t know if anyone would find my quirks appealing. if Ave would.

I’m just a Lazy food addict who basically lives in his mom’s basement, so maybe not.

“Jay?” Dad said.

“What’s up, Dad?” I asked.

“You think too much, buddy.”

“You were always an overthinker since you were a toddler,” Dad said.

“I remember you told me you wanted to play football instead of hockey because hockey will give you frostbites, and freeze you into those Neanderthals from the museums,” Dad said.

“Oh Gosh,” he still remembers.

“You know what?” Dad said, then quickly took off his shirt.

“Let’s go for a swim,” He said with a smile.

“But the fishing,” I said.

“Don’t worry about the fish,” He said, walking back and charging towards the water.

The cannonball created a massive splash, making me completely wet.

“Mother of God, it’s freezing! Did you see that, Jay?” He said with a laugh.

“Yeah, that was pretty cool,” I chuckled. It’s not every day you see a chunky beast jumping into the water.

“Come on, Jay, take it off and jump!” he said.

I have not taken off my shirt in public since middle school, when I started to notice my flaws. Even in the locker room, I would find a bathroom stall to change.

“Don’t overthink it, Jay! Trust me!” Dad said.

Don’t overthink, I thought.

I took off my shirt and back off. When I pick up the pace, my entire body is wobbling.

With all the strength I have, I jumped.

Shit, this was a bad idea.

The cold water hit me.

First, nothing but white bubbles clouded me. Then, schools of fish surrounding me appeared in my vision, hurrying away from the meteor strike. I moved my legs slightly apart on the lakebed, so I don’t step on the tiny crabs while they take refuge in the kelp forest.

“Holy Fuck, it’s freezing!” I said as I pulled my head out of the water.

“Hahahaha, watch your mouth, Jay. You don’t want to summon your mother here,” Dad said.

The view down there was breathtaking; it was what I expected, but not. The fish looked different from a simple change of scenery. I wouldn't have known if I had never jumped.

“I’m proud of you, Jay. That was a huge splash. Aren’t the views here amazing?” he said.

“Thank you, Dad. I wouldn’t have done it without you,” I said.

“You did it all by yourself, kid,” he replied.

We kept exploring the lake until our stomachs growled in protest.

After setting up the fire, we roasted some fish in the bucket and made S’mores from caramel marshmallows. 

Theo and Mom joined and we talked about the stories we had at school or some embarrassing stories of me Dad has kept.

The next day, we packed up our stuff to leave. The mountain is beautiful and all, but Dad and I are starving for some real food.

On our way down, I realized that I had been the biggest enemy to myself. There are so many supportive people surrounding me when my self-doubt overshadows them.

The signal bars slowly appear one by one. I opened Avery’s profile picture.

If he rejects me, I’ll be embarrassed in front of a person I really care about.

I shouldn’t overthink.

There’s nothing more I can lose when I already lost his company.

So I texted.

“Hey, Ave. I know I’m late, but would you mind if I take you up on your offer for the coffee?”

“...” a text bubble appeared.

“I thought you'd never ask.”

[seasprincess]

ok another one. im sorry this man is PLAGUING my mind helppp

teaching stiles how to kiss you. Just, fully talk him through it- where to put his hands, when to move them, other places he can kiss, not to cover up his sounds-- and then it gets a little heated, but reader has to go and stiles is left a flustered hot and bothered mess but hey! now he fully understands the joys of kissing

sorry im constantly requesting the same character hes just USHDFDJSK yknow? no? okay bye 😭

kissing practice with bf!Stiles

warnings: suggestive so mdni! mainly fluff

Stiles Stilinski has never had a girlfriend. Well not until now. But seeing as he’s not had a girlfriend before. He doesn’t know a lot of…relationship things.

“Is this fine?” Stiles says as he looks at you sitting on the bed, pulling away from the kiss.

Stiles is meters away from you, to scared to get to close and fuck this up. He doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable either, even if you were the initiated it.

“You can move closer.” You say as you look over at him. Slightly moving closer to him. He’s just so far away.

“Yeah, sure, right okay.” He says as he moves closer before looking at you. He’s so nervous it’s honestly so cute. He cares so much about making sure you’re okay that he’s forgotten to act like a human. “You sure this is okay?”

Stiles constantly checks in with you whenever anything slightly sexual happens. When you’re cuddling, kissing or even just holding hands. He stresses so much.

So much that you decide to take things into your own hands.

Literally.

You grabs Stiles hands and place them on your hips as you look at him.

“Let me help you.” You say as he looks at you with those big brown puppy eyes, waiting for this moment to happen.

“Sure, okay, cool. Coolio.” He mentally slaps himself. His mouth just speaks and embarrasses himself more and more.

But when you laugh he just breathes out a breath he didn’t know you were holding. Thank god you don’t think he’s weird. Well. Not too weird.

“Just keep kissing me like you were, you can add tongue too.” You say as his cheeks turn a rosy pink, visibly getting flustered by you. “And your hands, touch me more. Okay?”

Stiles nods quickly. Embarrassingly quickly.

You place your lips back on his as you start your practicing. He takes a few seconds before kissing you back. His hands moving over you before coming up to cup your cheek. Pulling your face closer as he takes your words in account as he gets more needy.

You move closer to him before slowly slipping your tongue into his mouth. Smiling.

But as you do a little whine comes from Stiles, his eyes widening as he pulls back to look at you.

“I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to do tha-“

“It’s okay Stiles.” You cut him off as you smile at him. “It’s normal. Don’t need to hide it.”

“I don’t?”

You shake your head as you smile at him. Gently stroking his cheek.

Stiles can’t help but feel more safe with you, feeling less embarrassed about the noise that came out. You make him feel so safe.

“Why don’t you kiss my neck?”

Stiles perks up at this as he looks at you. Nervous about this idea but also so excited.

He nods as he leans closer to your neck before his lips attach to it. Kissing it softly as you are the one now making noises.

You decide to move and straddle his lap. Which earns some panicked expressions from Stiles as he looks at you.

“Okay. We’re doing that now.” He says as his nerves pick up.

“Is this okay?”

Stiles quickly nods as his hands land on your hips as they slowly start to rock.

And god is Stiles enjoying this, little noises falling from his mouth as he captured you in a sloppy kiss.

This moment is perfect. Your perfect. He doesn’t want this moment to end. He wants it to last fo-

Your phone dings so you have to pull away. You check your phone to see your dad’s wanting you home.

“I gotta go home.” You say as you place your hands on his cheeks.

And Stiles is disappointed by this. He pouts as you climb off him. He can’t even speak, he’s just too flustered.

He’s so worked up and flustered and you’re leaving him like this?

Now that’s got to be a form of torture.

“I’ll ring you later.” You say as you kiss him before heading to the door, having to get home quick.

“Yeah. Call you.” He says as he smiles. “Love you.”

“Love you too.”

And with that you’re gone.

And he’s still flustered. He’s going to be thinking about that kiss while he does some…activities in a moment.

a/n: not proof read and i LOVED this request!

tags- @inlovewithdob @allydiass

[papaya-twinks]

congrats on 1k!!!

i too am obsessed with perv!lando x innocent best friend!reader so i’m here to request a lil something <3

i’m thinking something along the lines of lando bringing the reader to a race (as he usually does), but he convinces her to let him fuck her in his driver’s room right before he has to go out for qualifying. he tells her he needs a way to calm his nerves before he goes out and this is the best way for him to do it. and what kind of best friend would she be if she didn’t help him perform at his best?

Warnings: smut, 18+, manipulative!lando, dirty talking, possessiveness

Pairing: Lando Norris x fem!reader

Qualifying was always stressful for Lando, you knew that. He’d be constantly panicking about everything, what if he messed up, what if he crashed. “Y/N,” he groaned, walking into his driver room. “Hi,” you said. Qualifying was starting in an hour, and you were sitting on the bed in an oversized hoodie, staring at your phone. 

Lando was frowning, his eyes narrowed. “Stressed?” you said, blinking at your best friend. “Yeah,” he nodded, grumbling. “Can I do anything to relieve it?” you said, blinking ho at him as you wriggled to the edge of the bed. “Actually,” he said, “there is a way,”. 

You looked up at his answer, cocking your head as if to ask ‘what is it?’. A small smirk flickered across Lando’s face as he approached you, tilting your head up slightly. “Your my best friend, aren’t you?” his tone was very nearly mocking. “Yeah, of course,” you grinned, oblivious to his condescending tone. “Would you do anything for me?” he asked, his body close to yours 

“Anything,” you nodded firmly, his body pressed to yours as you looked up from where you were sat. “Would you help me relieve some stress?” Lando asked, his tone vague and uninterested. “Of course,” you grinned, unaware of his intentions. Blissfully unaware. “Can you turn around for me?” he said, his voice sugar sweet, “and cover your eyes?” 

You nodded, doing what he said, your back pressed to his chest as you closed your eyes. “Good girl,” he grinned, his lips brushing your ear as his hands trailed down your back. A small gasp left your lips as you felt his fingers pushing your hoodie up over your ass. “You’re my best friend, Y/N,” Lando mumbled, his hand trailing over your ass. 

“This is gonna help me, okay?” he assured you, running his hand through your hair, “you’re being such a good friend,”

 You nodded, gasping as you felt his fingers push your panties to the side, his fingers dipping into your core. You could feel the heat grow at the sensation, eyes widening as he pumped into you slowly, unbuckling his trousers and using his other hand to stroke himself. 

“Can you go on your hands and knees f’me?” Lando asked, still pumping you. You nodded, immediately doing what he said, a smirk on Lando’s face at your obedience. “Good girl,” he grinned, aligning his cock with your entrance before pushing in. “Oh fuck, Lando,” you gasped, his cock stretching you out as you clenched round him. “You’re doing good,” he grinned, “a good little friend,”. 

He started rocking his hips into you, the rocking turning into slams as your arms threatened to buckle from the intensity.  “What kinda friend would you be if you didn’t?” he said, a small smile on his face. “I am a good friend,” you managed to choke out, the grin on Lando’s face widening. “Yes you are,” he said, “what kinda friend would you be if you didn’t help me win?”. 

You felt the knot in your stomach unravel as you gasped, your hands clawing at the bed as he hammered into you, his own cum shooting as his thrusts became sloppy. “Good friend, aren’t you?” he said, his hand wiping a drop of sweat from your neck. 

[ilovedazaiosamu]

wasn’t that what you wanted? || megumi fushiguro !

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟

★ • genre : angst

★ • megumi x reader !

•𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟•

october was a stressful month for megumi, including you. there were so many missions to do, to the point you both obviously didn’t have time for each other. it bothered you, but it didn’t to him. he was acting like you were nothing to him. and your relationship grew apart, as megumi could barely spare any time. you were confused. he had his day offs, but he couldn’t even spare a conversation with you.

this morning, he was in a bad mood. usually, he would do his morning routine. he didn’t this time. he was occupied on his phone, texting yuji. he was complaining to him about how annoying you were. that’s why he has been ignoring you. he didn’t wanna hear your stupid bullshit. somehow, you saw his messages with yuji. it was heartbreaking, it tore you apart. how could he say that about you? you mean, you knew you were a chatterbox, but you thought he didn’t mind it.

”what the fuck, [name]?”

megumi was behind you. he wanted to know why you were on his phone. megumi felt so much anger in him. a little piece of resentment was building up inside him. he snatched his phone away from you.

“is that what you really.. think of me?”

you asked, trying to bottle up the surge of emotions in you. you wanted to ask why, so you could fix it. you wanted to know why. you were befuddled. why would he be with you if you were annoying.

“you weren’t supposed to see that. what the fuck were you thinking? you’re so meddlesome! do you know how annoying it is to live with you?! constantly being questioned, especially nagged! you know what? i’ve had enough of this. just leave. i don’t wanna look at you right now.”

now i was in distress. i didn’t know he had loathed me so much. i thought he still had a little bit of love in me. it looked like he didn’t. tears were staining my cheeks, as his fierce gaze was upon me.

“i thought you—“

“i don’t wanna hear it. i said leave.”

was he always this mean to you? what was stressing him out? you needed to know. but you just couldn’t. not with him ignoring you.

“i’m done, megumi! i’m done! do you know how long i’ve been holding onto this relationship for? how hard i’ve been trying to rebuild our relationship?! i’m trying, but you aren’t! just why? if i’m that annoying, why didn’t you say so? it kills me when you don’t communicate with me! i can’t do this anymore. our relationship is futile, you know why? because of this disrupted communication going on! everything would be just fine if you didn’t leave me hanging! i’m out!”

megumi was silent. through all this time, he was only thinking selfishly. he didn’t see his own mistakes, because his self centered mind only saw others’. sure, i wasn’t perfect, but i tried really hard. while he was distraught, i left. i ran outside, where the rain was pouring down on me. the clouds were crying with me. you knew it was never a good idea to bottle up your emotions. it’s like when a grasshopper comes out of its box, the others will end up escaping too. you bawled as you ran out of the building. everything was such a pain. your legs were strained, your voice too. why was it so hard to find love? to be loved?

i ended up at a cafe, where yuji was inside.

‘shit! i didn’t know he was here. i can’t get out now, i already ordered something..’ you thought to yourself as you panicked.

‘oh my god, he looked at me! shit he’s pulling out his phone.’ you knew yuji was texting megumi.

in a few seconds, megumi somehow arrived. his clothes were soaked. it looked like he was crying to. he was looking around, as if he was searching for you. you caught up on what he was doing, so you hid. you were too scared to see him. you were too embarrassed. you attempted to cover your face with your hair, but he could recognize you from a mile away, so what’s the use? he went over to your seat, and sat himself down. he had an apologetic look on his face. his nose was red, and he was blowing his nose with a tissue. it was so awkward, you felt an uncomfortable feeling in your chest.

“i’m sorry. don’t leave me, forget about everything that i said.”

megumi intertwined your fingers with his, laying his head on my shoulder. you were a little mad at him, but you smiled.

“i’m also sorry, gumi. i lashed out on you..”

you responded to him, with a sincere look on my face. my food arrived, and he kept on staring at it. you giggled at him. he was hungry but didn’t say anything.

“you should start talking more, how are we gonna avoid miscommunication if we don’t communicate?”

“yeah, maybe we should.”

megumi opened his mouth, letting you feed him your fries. he didn’t really like them, but food is food. and for the rest of the day, you both finally spent time together alone.

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟

★ • notes : i’ll gladly quit if this flops ! the ending is so unilateral LMAO

[mariespen]

hihiii can u write a very argumenty angsty story with rafe anything honestly i just need to read some good ass angst and ur angst is sooo good but yeah that’s if you write this or not that’s okay

rafe Cameron x fem!reader a/n: Hi!! Thank you so much for the request, seeing them makes me so happy :(( So sorry that this took me forever to write, I tried to write it a few times but couldn't embody what I was trying to say. This plot line helped me out honestly! I hope this was what you were hoping for. ILY!! content warnings: description of injury, mention of drugs, angst, arguing and yelling, swearing, happy ending bc I can't do angst without one

‧˚₊•┈┈┈┈୨୧┈┈┈┈•‧₊˚⊹

Your face was pale with worry as you stood in the kitchen, trying to distract yourself from your growing anxiety. Your boyfriend, Rafe Cameron, was known to get himself in trouble very often. Usually you would be there to pull him out of it, but Rafe had stormed out of the house in a rage around 5 hours ago, shouting something about his new dealer and you knew there wasn’t a word you could’ve said to stop him. You knew that for a fact because you’d been thinking about it since he slammed the door.

The music you were listening to was turned up almost all the way as you attempted to drown out any thought that you could have by using the loudest music you could. However, you had to turn it down because the intense feeling just added to your stress. 

Sitting on the kitchen counter, you scrolled through the many texts that you had sent Rafe over the hours. There wasn’t any sign that he had even seen them and eventually they just stopped going through, a very blatant sign that his phone had died. Eventually you gave up, giving into your anxious tendencies and pacing around the house, your breathing panicked as you checked your phone constantly.

The front door slammed and you flinched at the sound, running out of the living and praying it was Rafe. When you looked at him for the first time that night, his face was bloody and sweat-ridden. His eyes were wide and each of his fists were red with blood that you could bet wasn’t his. Rafe’s hair was scattered and his clothes were torn in a few places, red staining the fabric.

“Rafe..” You said, watching as his dangerous gaze fell onto you.

“Don’t wanna talk about it..” He said, wiping blood from his nose and pushing past you with a grunt, “out of my way.” He said, rolling his eyes.

“What happened?” You asked, following after him. Your heart was pounding with anxiety and anticipation. Your breathing was still quick and panicked as you looked up at him again, wincing at the sight of his face.

“Told you I didn’t want to talk about it.” Rafe spat, putting out his arm to force distance between the two of you. 

“No, you don’t get to do this!” You protested as he stormed away. The worry and concern turned into anger and resentment in your little heart as he gave you another cold shoulder.

“Fuck off, will ya?” He said, not flicking his eyes to you once as he spoke.

“Rafe..” You said softly again, trying to get a better look at his current state. “Jesus! Will you just-“ He said, swatting your hand away, “Just leave me alone!” He stared you down, his voice rising with his anger.

“Please, just tell me you’re okay.” You said breathlessly, starting to pace backwards.

“Does it look like I’m okay?” He said, turning to look at you full on, watching you wince at the sight of his injuries.

You stood back, the feeling of anger burning a hole in your gut.

“God, what is your problem?” You said, muttering your words so that he could barely hear them,

“What was that? What did you say?” He asked, almost like he was challenging you. Instinctively, you look a step back again.

“What is your problem?” You repeated, raising your voice, hesitantly accepting his challenge.

He laughed, a dry and mocking tone as he stared you down. 

“What am I doing wrong?” You took a brave step forward, raising your voice, “I just want to help you!” “Stop! I don’t need you or your help.” Rafe shouted, taking an equal step and shoving a finger into your face.

“Fine.” You whispered, throwing your hands up in surrender and turning your back to him, walking out of the kitchen hesitantly.

You didn’t have a plan when you started to open the front door. Maybe you’d go to Kiara’s house and cry in her bed until the sun came up. Or maybe you’d go to JJ’s just to get Rafe back. God, he’d go crazy knowing that you went to JJ for comfort. You didn’t have to think about it for long, though, because you heard Rafe’s steps behind you.

“That’s not what I meant.” He said, closing the front door before you could leave as he started again, “That’s not what I meant and you know it.” You turned to look at him, his face still stern and threatening. In that moment, he had nearly lost his soft spot for you. “Why did you leave me?” You asked, your voice cracking as you reduced it to a pathetic whisper.

Rafe’s gaze softened as you watched his emotions flip around in his head. His tight knit eyebrows sunk down as he looked at your tearful eyes and his bloody lips pursed together with regret.

“Baby..” He whispered, slumping down to be closer to your shaking body.

“Don’t..” You whispered, your voice trailing off as you tried to back away, but you just couldn’t. Not when Rafe was looking at you like you were the only woman in the world. Instead, you took a step forward.

“I don’t want to do this, you know that, yeah?” He asked breathlessly, waiting for you to nod hesitantly before he continued, “Don’t want to hurt my baby girl.” Your heart broke he stared down at the ground, trying not to rest himself into your arms.

“Tell me what happened.” You said sternly with a gentle undertone, like a mother lecturing her child.

“I got caught up when I was with Barry and-“ You could tell he was lying by the way his ears turned a hot shade of red.

“Don’t lie.” You interrupted him, reaching up to touch his bloody cheek. 

“I’m sorry.” He whispered, relaxing into your touch.

“C’mon.” You said with a sigh, watching his face ease up as you spoke again, “M’gonna take care of you and you’re going to tell me what happened, yeah?” He rolled his eyes in a silent protest as he towered over you, eventually pulling back and letting you walk to the kitchen, following you closely.

You sat him at the kitchen island, wiping the blood from his cuts as you waited for him to talk.

“My new dealer gave me the wrong shit.” He grunted, trying to stifle a wince at the wound disinfectant that you were cleaning him up with. His voice was shaky when he continued, “Went to give him a talk and.. y’know.” You didn’t want to push him, so you nodded along with his words. After Rafe’s short truth, you sat in silence and finished bandaging what you could, wrapping his knuckles with different band-aids.

“I’m sorry.” Rafe said when you finished, looking up at you from his seat, “I love you.” 

“I love you too.” You offered, kissing the bandage on his cheek before helping him up, walking upstairs to your shared bedroom.

“We’ll talk tomorrow, m’kay?” 

He groaned, eventually giving in and reluctantly agreeing.

“Whatever you say, princess.”

‧˚₊•┈┈┈┈୨୧┈┈┈┈•‧₊˚⊹

[thebucketpail]

When You Accidentally Kill a Clown pt. 2

Pt. 1 Ao3

I couldn't let the brain rot die

-----

Breath Danny, this is all fine. This was however not fine. Danny stared, mouth agape, food untouched, as The RED godamned HOOD sat across from him tearing into a burger and fries. The man had taken off his helmet and almost sent Danny into a panic before seeing he had another mask underneath. Which, honestly, shouldn’t be surprising, from what Tucker’s told him these bats are hella secretive and have an insane amount of contingencies. He thought back to the time when Tucker had tried installing similar plans in case of emergency, which mostly fell through after like two attacks. Only a few plans survived and receive semi-regular upkeep.

“Dude you gonna eat that or what?” Danny was pulled from their thoughts by the vigilante sitting across from them. Right, that. As a response they lifted a couple fries to his mouth and Ancients these are good. Hood let out a chuckle at whatever face Danny had pulled, before his voice turned a bit more serious.

“So how’d you come across the Joker? Much less put a crater in his gut?” Ah, so this was an interrogation, Danny can do an interrogation. He swallowed a few more fries before responding.

“Um, well, I was just walking back to my dorm, and the guy jumped out of an alley and grabbed me. He started talking about the Waynes and… some other stuff. So I panicked and then he was dead.” Danny trailed off, stuffing the burger in his mouth to avoid talking more. And if it weren’t for his nerves this burger would have tasted amazing, but at this moment it was just a burger.

Hood nodded, “And the smoking crater? Are you a meta or something?” And there was the question Danny constantly thinks about because yes, technically he would be considered a meta, after all his dad and his sister both have the gene so it would be so easy to explain away his powers like that. But it felt so much like a lie. Like he was denying the fact of his true nature. But Danny also really didn’t feel like explaining the complexities of ghosts at whatever Ancients forsaken time it is, to the Red Hood, over a burger and shakes. So he nodded, gesturing flippantly with his hand in a vague either or motion.

Hood looked weary but took the answer nonetheless. “I took care of the body and called some friends. Do you mind if I tell them who did it or would you like to keep it under wraps?” He said, leaning back in the booth.

“Umm,” Danny ducked his head and dropped his hand to his lap, “I’d rather not have my name or face publicized, if that's alright.” Hood Hmm’d in agreement before tilting his head to one side, A smile smile tug at the corner of his lips which, if Danny wasn’t under an intense amount of stress right now, would actually be kind of cute.

“Speaking of,” Hood said, his tone shifting to something Danny couldn’t detect, “I don’t believe I got your name.” and that’s a lie, Danny had told him in the alley way. But then, Hood had been in a bit of shock so maybe he forgot?

“It’s Danny,” Danny said again, a bit more sure this time, “Danny Fenton.” He paused for a moment before tacking on “ He/ they” and holding out his hand for Hood to shake.

That smile on the vigilantes face grew more as he took Danny’s hand, “Hood, he/him. Pleasure to make your acquaintance” was that a wink? It was hard to tell with the domino mask, but did RED HOOD just fucking wink at them.

“So how old are you Danny? You said you were heading back to your dorm, are you a student?”

It took a few moments for their brain to catch up before Danny replied, “Yeah, I just turned 20, I’m starting my first semester at Gotham U in a couple days. I’ve uhh,” Danny ducked his head again, reaching to rub at the back of his neck, “I’ve only actually been in Gotham for like three days.” he muttered sheepishly. Looking back up at Hood through his bangs.

“You’ve only been in Gotham for for three days,” hood whispered to himself, his brows drawing together in confusion, “And you killed the Fucking Joker???” He half shouted, incredulously.

Danny’s Head shot around scanning the dingy burger joint, no one seemed to have noticed. Hood looked apologetic, then a war of emotions fluttered across his face before that smile, that Danny had now decided is definitely cute (Cause that’s not a lot to unpack), crept its way back onto the man’s face.

“So what do you study?” Hood asked, resting his chin on his hand and tilting his head just slightly.

Danny fought the blush threatening to creep up their face because no, no this serial killer crime boss is not cute you absolute idiot. And instead they launched into an explanation of how theyŕe majoring in Aerospace engineering and Astronomy, because this is his obsession and he could talk about his obsession all day if he could.

----------

Jason stared at the man before him, excitedly explaining a bunch of star stuff that, to be honest, he didn’t really understand. But this man was so goddamn cute. Danny apparently is the kind of person that talks with their hands when they get excited, because the wild gestures they were making only managed to captivate Jason more.

The two talked for almost another hour before Jason had to drop them off at their dorm because, “You almost got murdered once tonight and you got lucky, I’m going to escort you home whether you like it or not.” before returning to his patrol route.

He made a mental note while he was beating up a potential mugger, to look into this Danny Fenton, to maybe meet in civvies, because there is no way Jason is going to lose this guy.

Pt. 3

[flemingsfreckles]

I’ll Look After You

Synopsis: you and Jessie are still adjusting to life with a baby, Jessie notices that you’ve been struggling more and more recently, until you break.

Warnings: mentions of postpartum depression and anxiety, language

WC: 2.7k

A/N: hi, I haven’t posted in a while, just sort of been struggling, work has kicked my ass, and my motivation has just drained a bit but I’m trying to get back into it.

The first noise Jessie hears after the jingling of her keys in the sound of crying. It’s not an uncommon noise in your household, it’s an everyday, every couple of hours occurrence. But what she notices is the crying isn’t just that of your five month old daughter. She can also tell there’s the sound of an adult crying.

She quickly places the diapers and bag of baby clothes she had purchased on the counter and makes her way to your daughter's room.

She walks into the nursery to a scene that breaks her heart. You’re sitting in the rocking chair, your daughter resting in your lap. You’re both crying, your daughter wailing while you’re sniffling, shoulders shaking while you still try to console the baby in your lap. You looked exhausted.

“Oh my love.” Jessie says rushing to your side. “Let me take her.”

“No!” You snap at Jessie. “She won’t eat, but she’s hungry, that’s her hungry cry. She won’t latch, I can’t help her, but she needs to eat so she needs me.”

Jessie kneels in front of you. Her hands reach out to take your daughter. Already feeling panicked from the hours of crying you’ve sat through and the feeling of failure as a parent, you push Jessie’s hands away. You had been dealing with postpartum anxiety, you knew it and Jessie knew it.

It had started with just not letting your daughter out of your sight. She came with you everywhere, the kitchen, the bathroom, the bedroom, she was always just a few steps away, in every moment you had your eyes on her. Even as she slept you watched her though the baby monitor, hardly ever getting rest yourself. That lasted a for the first few months and then it only became worse.

Then you started having nightmares of terrible things happening to her. That’s when you started not letting her out of your grasp. You no longer brought her out to Jessie’s games. You didn’t let family or friends hold her, everything was a threat to her. You held her constantly, feeling as if any place besides your arms was dangerous to her little life.

This even meant Jessie’s arms. You knew deep down Jessie was safe, she was even more cautious than you were with her, but your anxiety refused to let up when it came to your wife. Any time the baby awoke in the middle of the night, you were up too. Despite Jessie’s insisting you stay in bed, being the first one out of bed to get your daughter, as she’d get up, you’d follow her. You watched Jessie like a hawk when she held your daughter, terrified something would happen. It was all crazy, Jessie was the best partner and parent you could’ve ever imagined but your postpartum brain remained in panic at all times.

“What if she just never eats? She’ll starve, it’ll be all my fault. I just want to help her.” You managed to choke out between cried. Jessie could see the dark circles under you eyes, she knew you hadn’t slept that night and now it was early morning, the exhaustion beginning to take its toll.

“She’s not going to starve babe.” Jessie tried her best to console you. She didn’t know what to do, she felt helpless so many times seeing you stress and worry about your daughter, knowing she could only ease your mind so much.

“She might Jessie! She won’t latch! I can’t fucking feed her. I’m a terrible mom, I can’t even feed her.” You move through anger, yelling at Jessie and your fist hitting the armrest of the rocking chair, to feelings of sadness in an instant, tears falling again.

“You’re not a terrible mom.”

“I can’t protect her. She’s always crying, I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I can’t keep her safe.”

“You can keep her safe, you do keep her safe. She cries because she’s a baby, she can’t talk to us, her crying is not an indication of you as a parent.” Jessie’s hands gently caress your shins, trying to help you relax. “Now, can I please hold her?” Jessie brings her arms out again. She knew she had to be patient with you but she also knew you had hit your breaking point. Your lack of sleep, your mood swings, your frustrations, all worried her.

She knew you had been up all night with her. It had taken the two of you a while to get her to fall asleep, and just a short hour later she was up screaming again. You changed her and put her back down, before returning to bed. She had started crying at midnight and you had gone into the nursery, telling Jessie you’d wake her for the next time she cried. Except you hadn’t. You never came back to bed after that wake up. Jessie had heard the crying on her own and made her way into the nursery at 2am. You had sent her back to bed saying you had it covered. Jessie listened, knowing it was smarter and safer to have one rested parent, she also wasn’t interested in making you upset.

Then when Jessie woke up again and noticed you were not next to her, she came to find you. At 4am she found you asleep on the floor next to the crib. She had placed a blanket over you and let you sleep while she made herself coffee. The baby had woken up again at 4:30 and you had been up with her since. Jessie had run to the store to get some necessities, hoping when she got back the two of you would be sleeping again. You had now been awake all night, with only a combined hour of sleep worth of naps to hold you over. Jessie knew she had to take your daughter away from you, you needed sleep. She wanted you safe and she wanted your daughter safe.

You just stare back at Jessie. This was your wife, you trusted her with every bit of yourself, your fears, your accomplishments, you trusted her with your body, with your heart, but for some reason you were terrified to hand her your daughter, the baby she had a hand in making, the baby that was half her, you couldn’t hand her over.

“Babe.” Jessie’s tone was no longer asking politely. “For her safety and more importantly, for your safety, I need you to let me hold her for a bit, you need a break.” Her arms extend once again. She had realized this was getting out of hand, not only did she need to take your daughter in this moment, it was probably time to seek professional help. Jessie made a note to bring that up later with you.

“I don’t need a break, I don’t get a break, I'm her mom!”

“I’m her mom too!” Jessie getting more and more concerned about your own safety starts to snap at you.

Jessie was right, she was her mom too. You look down at your daughter, who is still whimpering. You look at her small face, her little nose, the way her eyes were scrunched and her mouth open crying. It had you tearing up again, seeing how upset she was with no relief thanks to you.

“I couldn’t help her, I changed her, she’s warm enough, she’s burped, I checked her over a hundred times, there's no scrapes or rashes, nothing should bother her. She just is hungry but won’t eat.” That’s when you start feeling your heartbeat in your chest, the whoosh of blood through your ears. You can feel your chest heaving as you try breathing in air.

“Hey, hey, hey.” Jessie’s hands come off your shins and onto your face.

“You’re okay. She’s okay, look at her she’s okay. You’re both okay. I’m going to take her just for a moment, I’ll stay here by you so you can watch. But I’m just going to hold her for a bit.” Jessie drops her hands from your face and gently scoops up your daughter, bringing her to rest on her chest. Your daughter’s head rests on Jessie’s shoulder. Jessie stands up and bounces her lightly, hand running down your daughter’s back trying to soothe the crying.

Jessie extends her other hand out toward you. “Come here, let’s go lay in our bed.”

You look up at Jessie and nod, taking her hand before dropping it. “Two hands on her.” You say, already worrying somehow your daughter will slip from Jessie’s strong grip.

“Okay, two hands.” Jessie shoots you a smile before placing her other hand onto your daughter's back. She follows you out of the nursery across the house and into your bedroom. You watch Jessie as she carefully places her into the bassinet next to the bed.

“There’s nothing in there right? No toys, no blanket, no pillows? Did you check that there isn’t a spider or anything?” It was your paranoia coming back, but you had to ask.

“No babe, just her. There’s nothing that’s going to hurt her in there.” Jessie says looking between you and the bassinet. “She’ll be okay, I’m going to pick her up again in a moment. Let’s get you changed first.”

Jessie took another glance at the bassinet before coming over to where you stood at the end of the bed. She lets her hands rest on your shoulders. “Would you like a shower?” You shake your head, you did but you didn’t have the energy. “New clothes at least? Brush your teeth? Wash your face? What can I help with?”

“I dunno.” You feel on the verge of even more tears, you’d think by now you’d be completely dry. You feel your lip start to tremble again and you bite it trying to hold back the sob ready to fall out.

“Okay, sorry, I gave you too many options. Let’s just get you changed.” Jessie says her hand gently falling to your shirt. “Can I take this one off?” You nod and lift your arms, Jessie gently pulling the shirt over your head. You stand there shirtless as Jessie walks across the room to her own dresser, pulling out one of her old shirts that you frequently stole and would wear to bed. On your way back to where you stood your daughter lets out a cry. You watch as Jessie quickly moves to grab a clean pacifier, placing it into her mouth before coming back over to you.

“Arms up pretty girl.” You do as she asks and she pulls the shirt down over your head. Her hands drop to the shorts you have on. “These off?”

“Ehh she didn’t puke on them, they can stay.” You say. And Jessie’s hands move off of them.

“Okay, in bed.” Jessie walks over flipping back the cover to your side and waiting for you to get in. You climb in and she gently pulls up the covers before walking around to the other side of the bed. She picks up your daughter from the bassinet before she climbs into bed next to you. “Come here.” She pats her side and encourages you to curl into her.

You watch as she holds your daughter, you watch carefully, making sure your daughter's head is supported, her back is in a good position, you watch Jessie, who’s looking between you and your daughter.

“Close your eyes, I’ve got her, she’s okay, if she cries you’ll hear her and wake up.” You lay there for a moment, Jessie was right, she was right next to you, if she cried you’d hear. You’d be able to get up and help in a second's notice. You take one last look at Jessie and your daughter before closing your eyes.

You’re not sure how much time passes when you finally wake up to the sound of your wife talking to your daughter. “Here ya go. This’ll make you feel better.” You blink a few times and see Jessie with your daughter, a bottle in her hand being held up to her mouth.

Your eyebrows squint as you try to take in the image of your daughter eating from a bottle. That was different, it was rare that she ate from a bottle especially when you were home with her, you’d wake up and feed her, there was no need for her to feed from the bottle. It made you upset that Jessie hadn’t woken you, maybe she didn’t trust you to feed her since you had failed earlier. Maybe she thought you were a bad mother.

“Why didn’t you wake me?” You feel Jessie jump, not having realized you were awake and being startled by your voice. “I don’t want her to have formula yet, we talked about it this.” You had been strong in your decision to feed her, Jessie knew that. Bottle feeding her was one thing, but you hadn’t pumped, there wasn’t milk for the bottle, Jessie had to be giving her formula. “You should’ve woken me up, I would’ve fed her.”

You move to sit up, starting to pull your shirt up and reaching for your daughter at the same time. Jessie’s hand gently releases the bottle for a moment before her hand comes down onto yours.

“You are feeding her. It’s not formula, it’s your milk from the freezer. You’re still feeding her.” Jessie says looking at you, her hand returning to hold the bottle to your daughter’s mouth.

“Oh.” You feel stupid, you had frozen milk. Frozen milk you had pumped and saved back when your daughter was first born. She didn’t yet eat enough to use it all, so you had saved it. As she grew she drank more and more and you stopped freezing it. You had completely forgotten. You had forgotten, Jessie hadn’t.

“Go back to sleep love, I’ve got her, well, actually you’ve got her, you’re the one feeding her, I’m just holding the bottle.” Jessie smiles down at you, bringing a hand to run her fingers through your hair. “Close your eyes.”

You feel a sudden rush of emotions again, feeling overwhelmed by the kindness of your wife, who you had been cold to since the anxiety started. “I’m sorry.” You can feel your chest tightening and your vision becomes blurry with tears.

“For what?” Jessie looks down questioning what you could possibly be apologizing for.

“Just everything, I’ve been so mean, and I just, I worry and I can’t let her go, if something happened to her, I don’t think I’d survive. I’m so scared for her, she’s helpless, and I’m her mom so that’s my job and I think sometimes I forget you’re her mom too, and I don’t want to burden you with the responsibility, and I just, I’m not being fair to you.”

“You’re also not being fair to yourself. You’re tired, you’re overwhelmed, I don’t like seeing you like this.

“I know I just can’t help it.” You blinked hard and the tears began to run down your cheeks, Jessie’s finger gently wiping them away.

“I know, it’s not your fault. We’ll talk about this later, just get some sleep honey.”

“Okay.” You sniffle, trying to slow down the crying. “I’m sorry, I love you, you’re a really good mom.”

“Shhhh.” Jessie lets her fingers run through your hair again, trying to soothe you back to sleep. She doesn’t need to hear you apologize for something that was beyond your control, she knew it was all hormones, your brain playing tricks on you. She knows she’s a good mom, she knows you’re a good mom, she doesn’t need your reassurance but it is nice to hear. “I love you. I’ll look after you and her. I’ve got you. Just close your eyes.”

You do, quickly falling asleep with the feeling of Jessie’s fingers in your hair and the sound of her whispering softly to your daughter about the first time you and she met, one of Jessie’s favorite stories to tell. The anxiety and stress wasn’t gone, but for once, with her by your side, it suddenly wasn’t all consuming.

[dragonridernoobie]

hey so for transformers prime how do you think Ratchet, Optimus and Smokescreen would deal with a human reader who is 30 but looks like they’re in senior year of high school and they constantly get confused for a child cuz of their looks and they connect with the kids well? But they’re also able to fully get into adult talks with fowler and the bots and be mature about it. The kids would be the first and be like “You know how school is”. “I haven’t been there for the past decade so no, but keep complaining. It sucked back in my day too”. And the kids are shocked. Some adult human’s calling them kid and reader looks like their age has caught up to them, they look tired of this and they’re like “I’m 30. Do I need to get myself a giant pin that says I’m 30 on my forehead?” Flip side: the rare times someone gets the fact they’re an adult right without being told, reader looks so overjoyed? (I just think this’d be a funny idea. Not every human suddenly ages the moment they hit 30. So how do these three react to human biology and a human’s unique reaction to it).

Sure, this is intresting thing but I will try my best!

TFP x Neotenic Reader

Optimus

So, first things first.

Optimus would immediately think reader is a child because he does know much about human biology.

So when he first met reader after he ran her over

Yes, I mean that.

He wasent paying attention and accidentally hit reader.

Once at base, he would explain that he was sorry and that reader should go home for school.

He would be so fucking confused when reader tells them they are 30.

He dident believe them ar first but when he saw their ID, he would apologize the second time that day.

He will definitely not treat reader as a child.

I can also see him also giving reader more attention.

Reader will always be by his side, helping him when he is stressed.

Ratchet

Ratchet would meet reader optimus brought them back after rescuing them from the decpticons.

He would do scans on reader and be really fucking confused.

Reader looks at 17 but the scan scans said she is 32.

He will ask reader about this and reader explains that they just don't age as fast.

He would be amazed and more confused by human biology.

He would definitely research it more.

He would make sure to correct the children about readers age.

He is secertly happy that there's another human that isn't a child.

He definitely has a favorite human.

Raph has his own place.

Smokescreen

Ok, so when smokescreen meets reader, it was on accident.

Smokescreen was only 1 week on earth and he already got his coverd blown 😑

What happened was when reader was walking home from work, smokescreen accidentally hits them.

He transformers and ask if reader was OK.

Que reader passing out, smokescreen panicking, smokescreen returning to base with reader, and getting yelled at.

After everything calms down, smokescreen will call reader "kid" and other things like that.

Reader would correct him and he would think it's a joke.

Intel reader shows him their ID.

Ya, smokescreen is so fucking confused.

Why are humans wierd.

He would definitely ask you to prank people with you're looks.

[simphornies]

Crazy idea/request can you do one where the Easily in dangeres Reader(Imp! Female) x Vox came back home injured and all of the 3 Vee's who is sitting in the couch react to Reader(Female) saying "I cross the road on my own for once! Yey...! Ouch..." With a lot of bruises on them and even have a cast on here right leg

Reader's Weakness: Doesn't/Can't cross roads alone

A/N: I really want a cookie...

Word count: 800 Warnings: none

Vox x Unlucky!Imp!F!Reader

“Y/N. I really think you should just let someone else grab it for you. You know we have plenty of staff to do our bidding, just say the word and they’ll be back before you know it.” Vox suggested, though it was evident that he insisted. “Or we can get it delivered!” You roll your eyes at him.

“Vox. I can go and get the food just fine by myself!” You insisted, “I’m literally born here and I feel like it’s been forever since I went out!” You crossed your arms. Your tail whipped side to side in irritation.

He sighed in frustration and glanced over to Velvette for help. “Look, darling.” She said, “The last time you went out with an escort they ended up getting so badly injured they couldn’t go to work for 6 months.”

You raised your arms up in defense, “It wasn’t my fault someone was speeding down the street!”

“They got hit by a car and they got their asses beat because you walked into a turf war.”

“...Well they should’ve made it more obvious they were in one.”

“There were explosions and gunshots that you failed to hear.” She groaned. “Look, it’s not like we’re keeping you here trapped. You can get plenty of fresh hell air on the sidewalk. “I want to go on a walk. Stretch my legs somewhere else that isn’t here.” You protested.

“Look! How about I just go with you, babe?” Vox suggested. You perked up and looked at him, beaming with delight.

“Really?” You squealed.

“Yes. But please stay by my side.” He squinted at you knowing that you had a tendency to run off somewhere.

“I promise!”

You did not keep your promise. The two of you weren’t even out for that long and Vox had already lost sight of you somehow in the bakery. The bakery isn't big at all but you were nowhere to be seen. He panicked and ran out to look for you, lo and behold you were making direct eye contact with the pet store across the street.

“Y/N! I told you to stay by my side!” He yelled out. His eyes widened when he realized you were going to cross the street. He zapped over behind you but he couldn’t reach you in time. He turned and there was a car going straight towards you as you, unaware as ever, kept walking.

.

“Y/N what the fuck.” Velvette flatly stated, staring in disbelief at the cast on your leg. You nervously laugh and scratch the back of your head.

“I’m fine!” You lied, “Just a minor injury, nothing big.”

“Babe.” Vox groaned, head in his hands. If he had hair it would be white from the amount of stress you constantly put him in.

“I crossed the road! On my own!” You gave a nervous smile, standing proud and tall with your hands on your hips. Your crutches fell and one of them hit the cast, making you wince. “Ow…Okay maybe I’m not as fine as I can be.” You sat down, “But I crossed the road on my own and survived!”

“You barely survived. If I didn’t fly you to the hospital, your leg would probably be gone by now.” Valentino lets out a puff of smoke, stress smoking at this point.

“Hey! I said I crossed the street and survived. I never said without injuries. I looked both ways this time and I promise you, on my soul, there weren’t any cars coming.” You huffed. “That car literally popped out of nowhere!”

“Y/N if you weren’t covered in bruises looking absolutely pathetic I would have punched you by now.” Velvette glared at you.

The room was silent but their judging eyes and stressed out expressions were loud enough for you to curl up into the best ball of shame you could curl up into. “Maybe I should have gotten it delivered…”

“You think?” Vox groaned, “If you were just some random imp working for me I would have killed you myself. You’re lucky I love you.” He sat next to you and held an ice pack on one of your bigger bruises.

“So…Cookies, anyone?” You awkwardly asked.

“If Vox didn’t care about you so damn much I would’ve killed you myself too.” She turned and headed straight for the door, “I’m going to get a fucking drink. If I find a single strand of white hair on my head, I’m coming straight for you.”

You laughed nervously as she slammed the door behind her and glanced at Valentino.

“Yeah I’m gonna get a fucking drink too.” Valentino lit another cigarette and walked out the door.

You looked at Vox with sad puppy eyes to which he sighs in response. “I’ll take a god damn cookie.”

[unknownperson246]

Daddy Wants You Slut Chapter 6: Without You

words: 815

warnings: *angst* *argument* *mentions of miscarriage* *pregnancy* *blood* *cussing* *use of drugs*

You woke up from the nap that Nikki and you took together. You're feeling way better than what you felt a couple of hours ago. Nikki gets up and starts to get ready for his concert. You feel so bored and sad from being alone. You know that it's Nikki's job to do the concerts but all you can do right now is be there with him and support him. 

Four months have passed by of constant traveling and all of the concerts. You can’t take it anymore. You don't want this type of lifestyle. You don't constantly want to be on the road. You want to settle down with Nikki, get married, and have your baby together. You want Nikki to be able to be there for you and his unborn child.  You are now 6 months pregnant with his baby. You feel that you're acting selfish, but it's the life you want for all three of you.

“Nikki come here I need to talk to you,” you say gently.

“I don't want to be on the road anymore, Nikki. It's exhausting and boring. You're barely there for me,” you say softly.

“I’m tired of this Nikki, Why did you even bring me? I told you I would be useless.” You say quietly.

“I brought you with me so I could take care of you and our baby,” He says.

“Well, I can't just stop now. What are you suggesting?.” Nikki asked as he scoffed.

“I think you should quit the band, Nikki,” You say.

“Well, I’m not going to,” Nikki says.

“I want to go back home Nikki” You start to argue with him.

“Fine, I'll get you a plane ticket back home,” Nikki says quietly

“I never meant it that way, Nikki I want to stay with you” you beg.

“Y/N I think we need some space right now okay?” He says firmly.

“I don’t want to go back home without you” Tears start to form in your eyes as you say this to him.

“I don’t want to leave you” you start to sob

“Stop being fucking dramatic Y/N we are only staying away from each other for a couple of months damn it,” He says frustrated.

You go over to the bed and you start to sob even harder.

“Nikki I feel the baby kicking” you cry out in pain while holding the spot the baby keeps kicking you in. 

Nikki comes over to you and you reach out for his hand. You gently grab his hand and put it on the spot where you felt the baby kick.

“Please let me stay with you Nikki,” you say softly as his hand remains on your protruding belly.

“I’m sorry Y/N I can't let you stay. You'll only be distracting me” He says with his eyes looking at you harshly. He pulls his hand away from your belly and gets up from the bed.

 You suddenly feel woozy. Your eyes roll back into your head and you let out soft whimpers of pain. 

“Nikki it hurts” you cry while holding your lower belly.

“It can't hurt that much from the baby kicking,” He says being ignorant.

You start to groan while holding your belly which is full with Nikki's baby growing inside you. You pass out from all the stress that overcame you. As you pass out you see everything around you hazy. Nikki notices and starts to get concerned. At first, he thought you were being dramatic and that you were acting. He starts to get worried sick after seeing you sob and cry out in pain. He calls Vince and Tommy panicked and he tells them what happened on the phone. They bolt into the room. Nikki sees a pool of blood and water leaking from your skirt on the bed. He goes over to the bed and he kneels to where your body is lying on the bed. He goes to grab your body in his arms.

“Hang on, both of you are going to be okay,” he says while holding your belly to try to soothe and comfort you in your unconscious state.

 Nikki is terrified. He is scared that you might be miscarrying. So many thoughts are rushing through his head. He feels so sick from seeing you like this. He feels awful that he potentially triggered labor for you early or that you might be losing the baby because of the argument. He is worried that the baby might come prematurely. They canceled the 6 concerts that were ahead so he could take care of you and the baby when it came. 

“We need to get her to the hospital,” Nikki says.

Nikki feels so frightened and nervous that he decides to shoot up his heroin before taking you to the hospital. Tommy carries you to the car because Nikki is high.

[heartfullofleeches]

I’m fucking getting sick again how would eggnog, V, and host make their sick darling feel better (I totally do not prefer those 3 characters idk what you’re talking about babe)

Eggnog

Honestly the best out of these three. Well.. they're the only one who can cook so there's that. Eggnog will turn your bed into a mini fortress of pillows and whatever you need and make you homemade soup. If your symtoms are contagious you'll have to gently tell them they can't join you in bed, but if Eggnog can't lay beside you they'll make a palace to lay on the floor and check on you every twenty minutes if you're up.

Probably tries to not watch you sleep like they normally do to let you recover, so they turn to making things for you in the meantime. Sewing is also a stress relief for them which is good because you being ill stresses them beyond believe. By the time you're all better you'll have a new collection for whatever season is coming up.

V

Throw up on his sheets, and he's locking you in the closet. This is only a cover for the fact he's panicking. Even if it's a minor cold he's never had to take care of another person before. Hounds a poor store employee about which medication would be better for your symptoms and has twenty tabs open for home remedies.

Keeps you in his bed and mostly stays on the computer, but eventually he'll make a little barrier with the blankets and join you. Tells you not to touch him, but he really means don't move much and constantly checks your temperature.

Host

Aw, poor dear. Your bedroom turns into a hospital room with how many stage hands come to assist. Even when youre well you don't do much with them around. Host picks a member of the crowd who can cook and has them make you something easy to stomach. Just ignore the unusual color of the meal and eat up.

You'll feel better almost as soon as it settles, but Host keeps you on bedrest for another day or three. He enjoys watching over you and it's a nice break from showbiz. Will still use the time to go over new material, or just doing whatever you prefer.

[turcott3]

you make loving you easy

kirby dach x fem!reader

warnings: one curse word, fluff

masterlist

-

watching kirby crash into the bench before leaving to the locker room limping was the last thing i wanted to see. immediately, i stand up out of my seat, gather my belongings and rush up the stairs to the exit, knowing i can’t go down to the locker room during the game, trying to remain calm at the fact i can’t be at his side right now

y/n: i’m headed out to my car ik i can’t go down there rn, please call me when you’re showered and dressed so i can take you home.

i didn’t expect nor need a response because he was coming home with me regardless. i finally reach my car, frantically unlocking the door as i feel the tears well up in my eyes. what if it’s bad? what if he changes because he can’t play? what if he pushes me away? these questions and more constantly swirling through my head until it finally all came flooding out. a few moments later my phone starts buzzing in my pocket, panicking and scramble to pull it out and answer seeing kirby’s name across the screen.

“he-hello?”

“y/n?”

“yes hi kirby.”

“if you want to come down here please do. i can’t leave until the game is over and i asked them to let you down here.”

“ok im on my way.” not even thinking to wipe my tears on the way back down to the locker room, as if they stopped. i walk through the door to see kirby on a sports medicine table with his leg out straight in front of him.

“kirby.” i say, starting to cry more as i get closer.

“oh baby, why are you crying?” he giggles, hugging me tightly.

“i’m just worried about you.” i say pulling away. he brings his hand to my cheeks and wipes my tears with his thumbs, smiling at me.

“y/n i’m going to be ok, i know i will.” he says placing both of his hands on my cheeks and kissing the tip of my nose.

“how can you be sure?”

“i can’t be sure about my knee, but as long as i’m with you i’m always ok.” he replies and i smile warmly at him. kirby always had a way of making my heart flutter and my stomach fill with butterflies, even in such a terrible unknown situation.

~~

it’s been about two weeks since kirby’s last game. the trainer has yet to clear him to play and i’ve never seen him so unrestful.

“i feel fine i just wanna play.” kirby stresses again.

“i know honey, i know.” i cooed in his ear while i stroke the hair on the back of his head gently. the last two weeks have been rough on him. his positivity quickly vanished in a few short days. he’s been unmotivated and is so beyond eager to get back on the ice.

“i’m just gonna show up at this point.”

“baby you know you can’t.”

“well it’s worth a shot. what else am i supposed to do?” he says as i see his eyes fill with tears for the first time in these two weeks.

“no kirby don’t cry.” i say sitting up on my knees, cradling his head to my chest allowing him to let his tears fall. i’d never seen him in such a fragile state and it broke my heart.

“why did this have to happen to me?” he squeaks out quietly.

“it shouldn’t have and i feel horrible that i can’t do anything to help you.” i reply.

“i can skate i know i can. i need them to let me.”

“they are obviously going to play it safe kirbs. they don’t want to put one of their best players at risk. you are so valuable. they need you to be one hundred percent. even if you feel like you are, you may not be there yet. and plus you get to spend time with me.” i say trying to crack him.

“you’re right it just sucks not being with the guys and playing with them. like of course i love spending time with you, i could spend every waking moment of my life with you but i do miss being around them and fucking around in practice you know?” he replies placing a hand on the arm wrapped under his chin.

“i understand how you’re feeling and your feelings are perfectly valid my love. i love you kirby, so much.”

“i love you y/n.” he replies as we lay back and he stays cuddled to my chest as i twist his hair gently in between my fingers. loving kirby was the easiest task god could’ve ever given me. i’ve never met someone who loves so deeply.

“hey baby?”

“yes kirby?”

“what’s for dinner?” i hear him laugh and i slap him on the back.

“we’re having a moment kirby give me two seconds of this moment and then we’ll talk about dinner ok?” i laugh.

“i mean i was hoping you would say you were dinner but i mean that works too i guess.” he giggles as i roll my eyes.

“you’re lucky i love you kirby.”

“and i couldn’t be more honored.” he smiles, grabbing my chin, pulling me into a gentle kiss.

…..ok maybe i am for dinner tonight.

[elisysd]

Astronomy – Conan Gray

Masterlist - Previously - Next Chapter

As much as it seems like you own my heart It's astronomy, we're two worlds apart

When Charles woke up in the morning, Lyanna was not there. He was looking forward for the morning, slowly waking up with her frame next to him or better curled up against his body. He would have taken his time to wake her up, slowly leaving a tray of featherlight kisses starting from her forehead and then her neckline and her shoulder blades. She would have been grumpy at first but then she would have giggled. They would have had a lazy morning before Charles had to go back to Maranello. But instead, he found the other side of the bed completely empty.

Worried he called out her name and started to inspect all the surfaces of the room. Maybe she had left something indicating him where she went to. But nothing. He checked his phone and nothing as well. Now he was panicking. She could not have left? Not after what they said to each other, not after she promised him that she was in for the long run?

He was about to leave the room to ask the reception if they had seen her, when the door opened on a bare faced Lyanna wearing one of his sweatpants and jumpers. Her hair was tied up in a ponytail and she still looked half asleep. She was holding two coffees and a few pastries. She was surprised to see Charles already up and a frantic look on his face.

“Good morning. Is everything okay?” she asked, worried.

“I… I thought you left.” Answered Charles abruptly.

The surprise in Lyanna's eyes was clear. She shook her head as she placed what she had in her hands on the coffee table in the bedroom and sat down on the bed.

“Charles… Tell me what I have to do to make you trust me when I say that I’m not going to leave you?”

“I trust you Lya.” He defended himself.

“Clearly not. I wanted to surprise you with breakfast this morning. I really thought you were going to still be asleep when I was coming back. I didn’t bother to warn you. That’s it. I never thought that you were going to expect the worse…”

“Yeah, and I expecting you to be next to me this morning. I was looking forward to it actually. Our first night together and I wake up alone with no idea where you were.”

“Do you think this low of me?”

“That’s not the point. But admit that you have the tendency to run away when something scares you and recently it involved me a lot.”

His words hurt Lyanna.  

“You’re not being fair, Charles. How are you expecting us to work out if you always expect the worse from me. I came here for you, I overcame my fear of media for you, I got my shit together for you. Okay it took me some time but I did it. Because I know what I want and what I want is us to have a chance. But it’s going to be exhausting if I have to constantly prove myself to you. So again, tell me what I should do.”

Charles ran his hands over his face before massaging his forehead, clearly annoyed.

“Forget it, Lya. I don’t want to argue. That’s the last ting I want actually. I’m going to take a shower.”

“Who is running away, now?”

Lyanna was now standing with both hands on her hips and a stern look on her face. Charles, who had turned away from her to head for the bathroom, stopped dead in his tracks.

“I told you that I didn’t want to argue. So I’m walking away before saying something that I will regret. I’m trying to be mature.”

“Are you saying that I'm immature? Personally, I think we should fight. At least everything will be cleared up. It's healthy for couples to fight, Charles! What's not healthy, on the other hand, is to repress your feelings.”

“You sure know what you're talking about” He replied, a sarcastic smile on his face.

“And you think you are funny?”

“Listen Lyanna. I woke up stressed out this morning, I’m still tired from yesterday. It’s really not the right time to argue today. So I’m going to take my fucking shower and I’ll be in a better mood after. We will enjoy breakfast and we will forget about all of that.”

Just as he was about to open the door, he felt Lyanna's hand grab his wrist and pull him towards her.

“You will take your shower after talking to me.”

Charles met Lyanna's fiery gaze and that's all it took to make him switch. He turned to face her before pinning her against the wall. He rested his elbows on either side of her head and leaned towards her, his lips brushing hers. He could hear the actress gasp at his sudden change of behavior.

“You want to talk, baby. Then let’s talk. Yeah, I’m scared that at some point you are going to run away. All the important people in my life left me so I’m preparing myself to the idea that you will to. And I know that when it will happen, it’s going to absolutely crush me because I already feel so much for you. Too much. It scares the shit out of me. So I want to enjoy all the time we have together so I can cherish it when you’re not here.”

“Charles…” she whispered.

“And I don’t know how I’m going to handle being away from you. Because I’m not going o ask you to come wit me for the next races. You have your own life and projects; you made it clear in Monaco. And I don’t want you to drop everything to be with me. I would love to but I can’t ask you that. It would be selfish. And with the distance, I’m scared that you will be too much in your own head and realize that you don’t want to be with me. That you don’t want this life. Because no matter what you think, you don’t know wat you are getting yourself into. The media, the pressure, the distance. It’s a lot.”

“I’m used to them Charles.”

“It will be different Lyanna. It’s not the same type of media than those you are used to. And finally, I’m scared that you decide you want to have nothing to do with me when you will see me coming home after bad weekends. It’s more frequent than good ones. I’m not a nice person to be around during those times, Lyanna. And I don’t want to take out my anger and frustration on you. You don’t deserve that.”

Lyanna put both her arms around the pilot's neck and pressed her forehead against his. She could feel Charles's sharp breath melt into hers. His eyes were glued to the ground, avoiding her gaze. Lyanna moved one of her hands to rest against his cheek and force him to look at her.

“Thank you for sharing all your fears with me. But I mean it Charles, I’m here to stay. During good times and hard ones. I’ll be there to cheer for you and to kiss away your tears. If you let me. And if you want me to do that, you will have to allow yourself to trust me. Copy?”

This drew a slight smile from Charles.

“Copy.”

Lyanna placed a light kiss on Charles's cheek before capturing his lips. Charles's hand found her hip before pushing her a little harder against the wall and pressing his body against hers eliciting a moan from the young woman. This encouraged Charles to deepen the kiss. forcing Lyanna to spread her legs slightly so that he could squeeze between them. As Charles ran his hands beneath the actress's shirt, she broke off the kiss suddenly.

“Charles…wait.” She stopped him, out of breath.

She put both hands on his chest to push him away from her to give her some space and distance between them.

“Sorry. I got carried away.” He excused himself.

“It’s okay. Don’t worry.”

Charles cleared his throat and ran his hand through his hair.

“I’m gonna take a shower. A cold one. I need it. I’ll be back fast.”

She nodded before opening the window and breathing in the fresh air. When Charles came back, with damp hair but a clear mind, she was still at the window.

“Are you still hungry? The coffee might be cold but we can still eat.”

She looked at him, smiling shyly. She didn’t expect things to be this weird between them. Not as she thought that it would be all rainbows and sunshine but she felt like they were not on the same wave lengths, something she did not feel when they were back in Monaco. And that was bothering her. They ate without a word, both deep in their thoughts. Finally it was Charles who broke the heavy silence.

“I’m going to address the elephant in the room right now, but when are we going to see each other next? I suppose you will go back to London now and I’m going to Maranello tomorrow to go to some meetings and work on the sim before heading to Singapore.”

She gulped. That was one of the questions she feared the most to answer.

“I.. I don’t know. When is the next race in Europe?”

“We don’t have any left, here. Monza was the last of the season. Do you think you could be able to make it for Austin? In a month and a half?”

“Maybe… I can always come up with an excuse to go to the States and make a quick side trip to Austin. I know that I have some people to meet in New York but no dates are planned yet. I can try to arrange them and fit Austin in my schedule. Could you, maybe, find time in yours to make it to London between to races and other appearances? Even if it’s for two days?”

“I don’t know. It’s going to be tough.”

Lyanna was annoyed.

“I can’t be the only one to do all the work to make us work Charles. You have to do some effort.”

“It’s easier for you. You can adapt your schedule more easily than me.”

“Well, not really. I have commitments that have been blocked for several months and I can't change them.”

“And I have a race calendar that is also very complicated to handle. I barely have time for my family.”

“You and me both. But you can’t ask me to be the only one making all the compromises and sacrifices.”

“I’m not asking you to. I’m just saying that we are in the early stage of our relationship and that I don’t want to spend it completely away from you. I want to be able to see you as much as possible but my hands are tied. I can’t do what I want and I’m just saying that it would be easier for you to follow me.”

“And I understand your point, but try to understand mine.” She replied trying to keep her calm.

Charles settled more comfortably in his armchair and stared pensively at a spot in front of him.

“Maybe I can try to clear a few days before going to Austin so it can be just us. Austin comes the week of my birthday and I know that my friends and family already planned something for me. I would like it if you could be there too. I could introduce you to everyone. Officially. What do you think?”

“Meeting you family? Already? That’s not what I was expecting when I said we would take tings slow…”

“If it’s too much, it’s fine, but it would mean a lot for me if you could make it.”

“I can’t see myself missing your birthday, so I guess you can count on me.” She finally agreed.

Charles nodded. And Lyanna could not help but think that their discussion looked more like a business transaction that a couple taking decisions together…

And then it was time for them to say goodbye to each other.  Even if the weekend had turned out to be a mixed success for Lyanna, leaving Charles behind was painful for her. It was difficult for Charles too. He had had the impression of being on top of the world for a moment and of having had everything he wanted most in the world, only to be quickly disillusioned. He knew he was partly to blame for ruining the incredible day he could have spent with Lyanna. There were so many things left unsaid between them that he didn't know where to start addressing them. And Lyanna's unpredictability wasn't helping either. But he knew he had to give it time. He didn't doubt Lyanna's sincerity when she said she would stand by him no matter what. He had confidence in her, contrary to what she might believe. But he didn't trust the environment around him.

Lyanna had ordered a taxi, rather than let Charles take her to the station where she would catch a train to Milan before heading to the airport to catch a late evening flight to London.

“I don’t want to cry and to face saying goodbye to you. If you were coming with me, it would feel too real and I would rather keep only the good memories from this trip.” She explained to him when he asked her why she did not want him to drive her to the train station.

“Promise we will call and text and Facetime whenever possible?” he asked her.

“Promise. And I will send you stupid memes I find on social media.”

“And as for me, I’ll send you songs that reminds me of you, of us.”

“Every day?”

“Every single day. Call me when you land. And have a safe flight.”

Before letting her go, he took her in is arms to give her a long hug. A quick kiss was the last thing she gave him before hopping in the taxi and leaving Charles thinking that it was going to be the longest month and half of his life.

======

author's note: I hate Charles behaviour in this chapter. But for once it is him who acts stupid and not Lyanna. Let me know what your thoughts are about it and about about the chapter in general. As usual it is always a pleasure to read your comments. You can as well use the ask box, if there is someting specific you want to say about Cruel Summer or if you would like to read specific things in it. I could always try to fit them at some point in the fic because it is as much your story than it is mine.

taglist: @zendayabelova @purplephantomwolf @ru-kru @dakotali @blueflorals @aundercover @ruleroftheuniverse @fangirlika

[crushedsweets]

Does Toby still experience some PTSD from his abusive past?

In my au, Toby’s amnesia is mostly attributed to when he was under the operators influence. He does remember his childhood and experiences symptoms of ptsd and general trauma responses

Tw for details about Toby’s triggers(kinda..) and random things that were impacted cuz of the abuse under the cut

The last act of physical abuse(minus the fight the night frank died) that Toby experienced from frank was being strangled till he passed out. He was 16 going on 17. Connie FINALLY left frank after this bc she legitimately believed he killed Toby until she checked Toby’s pulse. Connie let frank come back after lyras death bc she thought that losing a kid would “fix” him(it didn’t). Toby killed his dad 17 going on 18

SO WITH ALL THAT BEING SAID he has a specific issue with his neck/throat being touched, hence the turtlenecks and the way he panicked in the drawing I just did of him and tim. He can’t feel pain but airways being restricted would freak anyone out (I’m assuming u asked this because of that drawing)

Some other sore spots for him would be. Obviously Alchohol, specifically men and women arguing, men raising their voices, etc. he has a particular frustration for men mistreating women even if he’s not the Best Example of a respectable gentleman(literally has killed men and women alike), but overall getting into fights and stuff isn’t that big of a trigger unless his throat is being touched.

Some other non trigger but related stuff… Toby Def has a weird relationship w gender and gender roles cuz of the way he grew up. His dad instilled a lot of “don’t act like a girl, women belong in the kitchen” shit too. Half of him is still like “I’m not a fucking pussy” and half of him just wants to be as soft as his sister and mother.

He only gets severe nightmares and stuff when he’s stressed, but it doesn’t take much to stress him out. He is CONSTANTLY on edge, smth he got from a household where he had to always listen to the weight of footsteps to know how angry frank was. He still keeps track of things like that around the others, even if he comes off as like.. mindless and not paying attention. Tim always gets on his case for being oblivious . There are likely some specific phrases that get Toby really riled up. Honestly he probably has beef with shit as simple as military time because of franks time in the military having an impact on the household too.

Toby is a hypocrite though. Not exactly an example of breaking the cycle

[thisdreamplace]

Hi dream. Guess who?…….😵‍💫 anon.

It’s been a few months since my last message. So many things have changed. I’m not kidding. I will literally be in a different country soon. Doesn’t that sound crazy coming from me?

Recently, the only thing I have going for me is the trip. I quit my job and turned down a sure job opportunity. I noticed I was settling. And for what? I was miserable. Even with school. Though I haven’t quit, I’m hoping that an opportunity comes along. I just can’t take anymore months feeling like I don’t want to be where I am, you know? Am I scared? Shitless. I don’t know wth I’m going to do, but I’d like to take a step towards feeling better.

Right now I’m in a tough spot. Not going to lie. I’ve started taking my own advice, the thing is……the things I wanted to work out before still aren’t going well. I have been having this approach of just leaving it all be. It feels better than constantly forcing bs in my head. Things are still wrong and going wrong left & right but I just don’t react. It actually has me worried. Honestly. I guess I just took a step back and noticed that all of the gurus on YouTube and all of the people who coach or guide are not living with the desires I want. It’s a tough pill to swallow because a part of me is like “I have yet to see someone truly make these things come true. am I constantly living in delusion hoping that somehow these problems get solved? or will there be a day I finally get this life I imagined?” does that all make sense? I’m so scared. I’m scared because I have let go of everything that is stressing me out in life. I can’t do it anymore. The other part is, where the hell am I going now? I let go as I’m sure my dreams are mine. I only have failures under my belt. I keep having this feeling that everything will be okay but I don’t know. Honestly, I thought certain things were fixed but one by one, each day, everything has crumbled in my lap. But I still haven’t broken down until now because it’s like I’m on my own. I don’t even have myself, a plan, a clear dream. I’ve sunk back into my bad habits. I panicked just now because it’s like girl you are risking it. I know but I want to get out of here. Here as in this life. So fuck the job, school, safe plans. I’m trying.

On the other hand, there’s me going international. There are even problems with that. Overall, I’m happy but I’m scared. There are some issues I really need to solve before I go but they won’t budge. I’m also struggling with money but I still just bought a kpop album. I feel like I embodied the album. I felt a lot for it. Listening to the songs is probably the only way I get a sense of smile & confidence. Sad but also, at least I’m enjoying music. I shouldn’t have bought it but I need a little treat. 😭

I don’t know where I’m at in my headspace or wtf to even do with myself. When I tell you I got so spooked thinking about if I’m just chasing after some dream right now. It kind of made me relapse tonight with my bad habits because I thought “well damn, why do I keep building myself up like life has ever worked out before?” It’s truly tough because I’m trying to get better but it feels like a waste of time. I have these set goals, I don’t have a clear path of how I’ll get there but I know what I want but sadly I just don’t know what life is. I’m calm as I finish this message but I’m still wondering. I know advice doesn’t even work for me anymore, but it just feels good to speak it all. This is one habit that I’ve sadly come back to but it feels better. I told myself “if you have to come back to a blog, that means you’re still down where you were before” 😀 here I am. I don’t feel like I used to, but still not good. But I do have one thing in my palm, a trip. I’m going for a while. Who knows what will happen until then, during the trip, or even after? I’m open to possibilities and that’s all I have.

hiiiiiiii my sweet 😵‍💫 anon !! 🥹

i never got to reply to your last message a while ago, because it was heavy and i wanted to really take my time with it. but ive been really busy in my life as well, but i can reply to this one now

believe it or not after your last message, i always thought about you! wondering if one day you'd return even though you said you wouldn't. i was actually glad to be able to hear from you again hehe

anyways, what you said all makes sense. the fears and the lack of wanting to fight anymore. i think that we can't take the youtube gurus too seriously, or even the people here. we're all just people behind screens and more than anything we have to be our own proof. we have to be the one to do it for us, or else we'll always be left wondering.

one thing that stands out to me is that you continue to just be very overall negative about... everything. like everything. something didnt turn out in your idea of perfect? doesnt actually make it a failure... maybe you only ever see failure because its all you believe in. this is where things become a choice. something not going how you wanted it to do doesnt mean its a failure. i have plenty of those myself and yet... i wouldnt call them failures. i could. i definitely could. but i choose not to. whats the point? it only makes life harder, makes it feel more miserable. trust life. youre still here for a reason. there has been no true failures.

hehe i understand the need for a little treat uwu enjoy!! what was the album u got ? <3

i hope your trip goes really really well <3 i love to travel, its something ive been doing pretty regularly!! so i'm really excited for you hehe i hope that being somewhere new is refreshing for you for a while

until next time <3 xo