#felt like giving it up recently
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tags like this are why i still make gifs btw
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ok i swear i'm not going to talk about my breakup forever but the thing that just keeps bothering me:
i know that not getting what you need in a relationship is a COMPLETELY valid reason to end it but also. i feel like having a very vulnerable moment where i opened up about my struggles with intimacy and being relieved that i didn't have to keep doing things i wasn't comfortable with, then being dumped a YEAR later because of my lack of intimacy. is something i should be allowed to be very hurt by???
#ramble#sorry i'm currently in a phase of 'of course this happened' and 'oh i deserve this because i didn't give him what he wanted'#like he knew i was grey ace since the start. and he let it go on for SO long after i said i might be vaguely aro as well#if that's a dealbreaker for you bc of your love language then FINE but NIP IT IN THE BUD#he said he put it off because he didn't want to hurt my feelings but it only hurt me MORE#like you're an adult. grow the fuck up and communicate like one#holding your negative feelings in hoping somebody notices you're hiding them is what TEENAGERS do#and also i told him VERBATIM: i didn't think anyone would ever love me because i'm not comfortable with xyz. and he just confirmed that#idk i still feel like i'm being selfish because how could i expect someone to be in a relationship with me when i can't give them anything#also tmi but it's not like we did NOTHING. we still held hands/cuddled/were close. he just didn't have his tongue down my throat anymore#so obviously i'm assuming by 'missing affection' he just meant sex and as an ace person that just fucking sucks#also oh my god i HATED how much he would imply we were going to have sex. i would have to keep SAYING 'i don't like doing this'#he always spoke like it was inevitably going to happen and it didn't click how GROSS i felt about it until recently#also ALSO not to go there but i never told him WHY i struggle with it (it's sensory issues)#and like. what if something had happened to me that made it hard for me and i just wasn't ready to tell him. and then he did this#again sorry to overshare this is still just a lot for me and i have no idea if i'm being unreasonable#if you're ace and in a relationship please let me know bc i'm starting to think it'll end this way every single time
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me: finally accepting theres a good chance im autistic and starting to work up the courage to ask my parents to see if i could get a diagnoses but being scared to
my mom: do you ever think you have adhd? if you want to do a screening for add next time your at the doctors you can
me:
#for context im terrified of being the person who sees stuff online and diagnosis themselves and then is wrong#which is why it took me so long to accept im —probably— autistic (bc now i have done research and stuff for it)#and id see adhd things that were relatable but i felt i related more to the autism + self diagnosing both felt weird (for me not in general#but now like. my mom is willing to accept i might have add??#(there was a long talk in between her asking if i ever thought i had it and her saying i could get a screening where we both agreed that#—if i did have it— i didnt have the hyperactive part. hence the add vs adhd thing)#and now that kinda through off my plans because like. what if i do also had adhd. or something#so yeah small crisis woo#i need to actually look i to symptoms and stuff for adhd though#because im not saying anything til i know more about it and if i actually do have a lot of the things#but this also gives me a chance go write about the autism things as well bc i told my mom i would look into the adhd#so now i can hopefully find a way to bring that up#ive mentioned that autism is a spectrum recently which i didnt think she knew before#so progress i guess#wow long rant in the tags whoops#jasper’s posts#moots have some jaz lore i guess
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i need ur opinion on angel cdream
I’ve literally had this for weeks and this is still all I got…
#happy meme monday!#dsmp memes#to be fair though c!dream isn’t an angel he’s clearly god jesus and the holy spirit lol XD#hello there#(lol felt relevant after recent asks XD)#dreblr#c!dream#dsmp#doomsday trio#rivalsblr#c!rivals duo#dsmp meme#this gives me post prison vibes but it’d probably work for many peoples aus to be fair#spn memes#rivalsduo#so like literally all my brain can think of is Castiel… like one track mind which I know isn’t what you meant lol#but I will say I have read some people’s angel and demon dream and tommy analysis before and I don’t really agree with it#some saying Dream is an angle that then falls with Tommy as the demon who becomes good or just more Dream is demon and Tommy is angel#which y’all all know doesn’t really align with my opinions on the matter… I will say Dream as an angel is interesting though and I do like#to read fics where he has wings (because well usually lots of angst lol)…#anyways I’ll keep thinking about it to se did I come up with anything but enjoy this meme instead I guess <3 <3 :)
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I think everyone wants to own a complete works of Shakespeare and I want to get everyone a complete works of Shakespeare that is right for them
#as long as it's not one of those dime a dozen copies w squished text and no notes 🖤#b&n book annex don't interact. canterbury classics don't interact#i have a friend that i went antiquing w recently who got a decameron illustrated by rockwell kent#and their birthday is coming up and my toxic trait is that i wanna get them the complete works illustrated by rockwell kent#even though im not sure that's the most readable copy for a 21st century reader to begin with#i havent actually read a play in one of those admittedly. i know they have the cambridge notes in the back of the book#but that's a lot more work than having it at the bottom or side of the page#idk if they'd be down for that much flipping tbh. i know flipping isn't my favorite#especially in a big book#and idk if the cambridge notes would even be that approachable for them? idk the annotation style#tales from diana#ive been trying to get a taste for more editions of shakespeare lately and mostly that's just been within copies of individual plays#and i feel like this is a journey i kinda started too late#like i read titus andronicus in a folger edition which probably wouldve been gamechanging to me in 2018#but as a reader w years more experience it was just kinda giving me more than i needed. i found it excessive#versus when i was a beginner i often felt lost even w the notes in my riverside shakespeare#i felt like it was still above my reading level (and it was) especially when it would reference things i was barely familiar with#whereas in 2024 it's like my riverside is my baby. and but for its large unwieldiness and perilous condition. i could read from it forever#i read not a shakespeare play in an arden edition recently but philaster by beaumont and fletcher. same editing team though#i thought the notes were sometimes a little excessive but they certainly weren't kinda basic like folger's#i thought at times maybe they could split it up w some of those historic or cultural commentary sort of notes#like those were what i would rather flip to the back to read later. as opposed to taking up like half the page#oxford english classics kinda does that too but w their longer annotations i think flipping to the back makes sense#bc arden somewhat is flooding the white space abd straining my eyes. even though other than format it's very similar editing#i like my rsc complete works and what ive read of the individual plays a lot but there's just one thing about the complete works#that i have a qualm with. i respect that they have a single column for the text#as opposed to two-column... i understand for some it scans better and helps w comprehension#i wish the notes on the bottom were in two columns though. bc the way they run on w such a wide margin#i genuinely lose my place a lot. in the small text. kinda hate that part of the reading experience#and when there's lines of prose it can also be harder to scan
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I need a completely rewritten teen wolf series with Derek Hale as the main character. I think it would heal me.
#we follow Derek from New York. Laura left for beacon hills. it’s been six years since he was back but he hasn’t heard from her#and hes going stir crazy waiting. he packs up and travels back. it’s almost too much immediately. he still can’t get a hold of Laura#he can’t resist going home. it’s like a natural pull that guides him back. all at once he’s 16 again. staring at the wreckage of his life#deputy stilinski is sherrif now. it’s reassuring in the slightest that the police force seems to have moved on from how corrupt it was#he catches her scent and it’s putrid. bile catches in his throat. he seeks it out. still in denial to what he knows it means.#when he finds Laura it’s like the world ends all over again. he can’t stand to see her like this. he gives her a proper burial.#the best he can do at least#he visits Peter. he’s not the man Derek remembers- so full of fire and cunning. their relationship may have been strained at times.#often Derek felt more like Eve being swayed by the snake than a normal friendship#but this isn’t the sharp tongued uncle who guided him. this is a broken shell. all that remained of his family. he was so lost.#22 but he barely knew how to function without his family- his pack paving the way#Laura handled everything. she got the apartment. she made sure they had food. Derek looks back and feels so useless#he was so lost in his grief. Laura must of felt the same way but she never let them drown in it#she made sure he got his GED. even got him to enroll in community college classes.#he took them online. he never was able to warm up to people the same way. he used to be so full of life. now he just wanted to be left alone#he studied English. never finished his degree. doesn’t look like he ever will now. he can’t go back to Laura and his shared home.#can’t bare to see another shell of a home#he vents to the vacant audience of Peter and his cold fixed eyes#Derek leaves. he wants to promise he’ll return soon#but promises feel costly these days#he decides to go back to the reserve. maybe he can find some clue as to what happened to Laura#someone lured her here. someone who knew them and their history here#his mind went to the worst. Kate. why would she go through the trouble six years later. why wait so long.#Derek couldn’t stomach the thought of facing her. he focused on the woods. the scents were all over the place.#clearly multiple people had been through here recently. two scents were much stronger. Derek follows them#but when he hears the crunch of leaves he realizes why the scents are so strong. they’re still here#he ducks behind some trees. listening in on their conversation. but an echo of their scent catches his attention#he spots an inhaler on the ground. he puts two and two together and swipes it from the leaves.#he comes out once they’re closer. tossing over the inhaler- he figures they’ll leave. dumb kids messing around in the woods#he reminds them this is private property. though that may not be true anymore. he recognizes the scent of a new beta. interesting.
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let your OCs get a little squishy, it's good for you
#ts4#sims 4#the sims 4#sims#simblr#rose legacy extra#oc: caleb#oc: kayla#i've always felt like after the aliens it wouldn't make sense for caleb to revert back to scrawny victorian child kinda body shape#but i didn't really have the guts to go with it bc my own body shape is giving me issues heh :')#but this year i've been playing around with it#and i love her so much like this :')))))#and these screenshots were actually taken just a few days before i went#'actually...that's kayla...she's trans'#so yeah recent development for this character has been very sweet and dear to me and i just wanna hug her#didn't think i'd make such big changes 8 years after getting her#but it just feels so right and good#it also kinda matches to how even within the story she'd transition a bit later in life#not saying early 30s are late but#usually with my trans sims up until now they all knew they were trans in their late teens early 20s#she's different in that. it took her longer and it took some oddly specific strange experiences to make her realize that#but i love that for her#am i making sense#i'm just gushing. i love her so much i want to hug her did i mention i wanna hug her
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eat your heart its oh so lovely 🫀 redraw of this
#🖍#jrwi#jrwi apotheosis#angelstone#stonesong#<-? ive seen people talkin about that one#i relistened to apotheosis recently and felt like clawing everything around me up into a bunch of tiny little shreds#andthen i listened to eat your heart by spg a bunch of times again and felt like clawing even more up#it was rejuvenating i lvoe apotheosis#my designs and colors and poses and lineart are all better now LOOK!!!!!!!!!#i still really like the old one to be honest but i also wanted to give it a new coat of paint
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one thing i have to hand to people online who leave reviews on obviously low budget westerns is that at least they don't complain that it's an obviously low budget western. it seems that i can't say this for some of the people leaving reviews on obviously low budget queer movies
#i do have a specific movie in mind right now. yes. but it's not vagueposting anymore if i tell you it's long time no see (2017)#'their relationship moves too fast' this whole thing is 76 minutes what were you setting yourself up for#'it's like a fanfic' maybe ambitious gay romance action stories feel like fanfic to you because that's often the only place we get them#'it's cringe' 'it's mid' 'it felt rushed' it's a korean low budget queer movie (or miniseries) from 2017 about hitmen who fall in love!!!#give yourself a break and realize you may need to calibrate your expectations accordingly. because if you do this fucks#and even if it's not for you (which is fine! always!) then please. i beg of you. allow space for the fact that even as recently as 2017#this (a queer romance action drama with a happy ending) essentially Did Not Exist. and consider they may have done A Lot with what they had#(2017! it predates history3 trapped (2019). it predates the old guard (2020). it way predates kinnporsche (2022). i could go on)#(( < a weird list extremely & deeply worthy of interrogation. but i'm physically wrenching my own hands away to avoid typing 1000 tags))#((... and i'm not kidding about 'could go on'. i have compiled a very messy list and i'm THIS close to starting a spreadsheet. my god))#*#special bad take prize for anyone complaining that they have sex too soon btw. there's so much to unpack there
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unsure how to word this but there is something about having ocs with unsavory events happening in their past where it's like. talking about it, even when asked, seems almost gratuitous and inappropriate. and i'd much rather describe it through the oc themself and/or draw Them saying it. which is like. fitting for the subject matter? like of course its weird to talk about somebody else's business...!
and falls back into humanizing em/exploratory writing and development where u consider the impact of words said/words unsaid/HOW those words are said etc etc
#because not all real persons would give u every detail of their trauma obviously#which makes sense but im an overexplainer but also it feels inappropriate to overexplain when it comes to dis#i hope that makes sense#talkys#i once described what went down with al as just directly as possible and it still felt weird. ykwim?? idk why.#well i do know why! i dont want it to seem gratuitous or like That Cheap Writing Element. fine line#same with talon so he'll just keep implying it thru text + dialogue which is how it should be !#the only difference is i think with al i wrote it like he would've said it bc he has more access to that side of himself#and is aware of how it affected him#whereas characterwise talon absolutely would just speak in riddles about and around it#i don't even think he's conscious about the direct effects of it#(but i wouldnt know bc he hasn't made that known to me in my brain)#people respond differently to different things and all that#also im so sorry if half the shit ive said recently is so like. Well Duh. i havent made a new oc in a decade gimme a break LOL#also i realize the. irony? of me even vaguely talking about it in the way i did but 1. i think that's also realistic when you#dont want to do a whole deep dive on someone else's business and 2. people are becoming#curious about my oc(s) and im just thinking about well; significant events and how to handle not speaking about em#FOR them. <- weirdly#idk. they're real to me.#its just so much more interesting to leave it up to them! people can lie people can downplay
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i don’t know how to properly show up in relationships but notice how in all of them they were terribly halted because i felt an intense insecurity within me that i was not worthy due to so many things about how i just act cause now i think all of that is just adhd as well
#first one being that i wouldn’t date the person who meant the world to me because i genuinely did not see myself as worthy#second one being that while we still did date. i had to ask for a break because i felt so stupidly unworthy#and i kept fantasizing about being one of their comfort characters that they talked to me about#because that meant i was just this person they could project their fantasies on#not this person with like. needs. or who’s just stupid in general idk#idk it just recently came up that although so many things have went wrong i notice how the true core of these problems is stemmed in some#sort of insecurity#and i feel like that started once i decided id stop like. giving into my rsd a lot#it’s whatever tho i have my cheesecake
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just had a fucking banger of a session at work with some teens,, i feel like it’s such a breakthrough like this is so rewarding omg
#we’re doing da (domestic abuse) awareness but tailored specifically to them due to their risky behaviour and the fact that one of them was#recently in a da relationship and the group just like abandoned them kinda thing#so we’re doing some work around support systems terminology and intro to the basics like doing scenarios based on real stories etc etc#and after 6 months i think im like actually getting through to them#im not trying to change minds or make them feel bad!! im just trying to give them as much info as possible and as many options and pov’s as#possible and today i think they’re really starting to try and are actively participating#i try not to talk about work too much on here but god fucking damn this felt good#like they went from making fun of each others answers and being silly to actually like?? tearing up at the end??? which having people cry#never nice and is always understandable with this work but to see them all take it serious and to recognise the behaviours and how#unhealthy they are the severity of it all….. like they had a big group hug and then discussed the session as an unprompted bonus (!!!) for#like 20 mins :’)#as fucking corny as it is like THIS is why i do the job kinda shit you know? just feels good to know these kids might be more ok than they#would’ve been otherwise#stelle yaps
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The whole "if a person is mad at you it's their responsibility to tell you" thing just made me realize how fucked my situation is. Like just. woah
#who wants to hesr the story of how I lost my irl friends recently (you will I'm spitting everything right now)#anyway so last year one day one of my friends decided to randomly backstab me and she started talking behind my back#and yeah this all made me mad because?? what the fuck#she started talking and revealing stuff that i had confide to her to other people and they slowly started drifting from me#BUt the thing here is that she was manipulating the story. she changed it every time she told stuff to people to make me look bad#i heard one of the things she said about me once and i was like ?? she even make me dislike me in her version which like woa#anyway I didn't understand why she did that because it was ? so random? and then she started ignoring me and has not talked to me ever since#the thing is. she apparently didn't have enough with just doing that. she slowly started to rot my other friends' brains too?#in the sense that. suddenly the rest of my group was ignoring me too. they never said anything to me. or stated that they had a problem#they just ignored me in my face? and yeah that. hurt#recently i found thanks to a third party that one of them decided to stop talking to me because apparently i had hurt her uncountable times#and she was just soo sick and tired of me doing that. which. honestly made me mad because she did not ever express that to me?? so#what was i supposed to do. if she never said anything.#anyway one of my friends confronted her about the treatment they were giving to me. the whole exclusion thing. and her answer was-#”well it's not my fault that she doesn't have more friends and doesn't talk to people”#and i was like. woah. what a poor reply. is that really it.. also apparently they all had agree to stop talking to me as a group-#-and they never informed me so. thank you?#and I'm still here asking what i did to that ex friend of mine. later on i found out she had hooked up with the guy i used to like btw#and she kept it secret. oh and then i started dating my current partner ! person she also felt attracted to. and that's my only explanation.#she started gossiping after what happened with the first guy. so that's really everything that comes to mind as a reason#ANYWAY now that i was at the hospital i didn't receive a single text from any of them. so i guess that was it. people who don't care-#-like that are not friends. those people are not my friends. people who ignore me on purpose and gossip like that are not. my friends#so yeah that's why I've been feeling down lately but ! here I am i ended up ranting so. much#rant#vent#?#woah i actually feel so much better after spitting it all#I'm also following that sour grape advice btw I'm not giving them the privilege of cutting me out. I'M the one who dislikes them now
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to be so honest im starting to think i really need to see a professional for my social anxiety
#.mei’s chatter ˚༘⋆ ๋࣭ ࣪ ˖#it is so bad in ways i can’t even articulate but today i felt sick over having to send one text message and procrastinated the entire day#i’ve gotten so bad recently#and that’s not even a fraction of the texts i need to reply to.. i feel like im crumbling under the weight of how awkward i am#and i hate it because im sure everyone thinks i’m rude and i know it comes off as so weird when i reply to a text fucking SIX WEEKS late#but i genuinely feel so awful and guilty over it i just cannot make myself do it. i’m so scared ill say the wrong thing or fuck up#or i just forget because i have memory issues but it’s awful all the same and i feel so terrible#and i assume everyone hates me until i see them again because i never texted back and it makes me feel like an awful person#but i have good intentions and i really just want to give everyone the kindness they deserve but i get so scared to talk to ppl it’s crazy#it’s so awful. i really need it fixed it feels like it’s rotting my soul and ruining my relationships#people will be so nice to me and then i just don’t get back to them… it’s horribly horribly rude and i know it i just get terrified#or i forget most the time i really do just forget but it feels bad all the same#i think it stems from like.. i don’t want to say the wrong thing so i need to think hard about what to say but then i forget or get so ->#caught up in trying to say the perfect thing that i get overwhelmed and procrastinate then forget entirely#i’m an awful person i truly cannot stand myself#i guess the only way forward is to just be better in the future but fuck i feel so guilty
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Again again thinking
#like am I asexual or do i just fear physical intimacy because of my assault#like I have desire I experience arousal#hell I fucking love smut#but whenever I’m with a girl#like going on dates recently and even with my exes#I haven’t actually felt physical attraction to them#and the couple of times I tried to ignore that and make out or have sex#I would freeze up and dissociate#or have a panic attack#or just physically feel nothing when being touched#it’s really confusing#because also the two times I’ve developed actual feelings for someone it’s only been after knowing them for 2+ years#and I’ve been physically attracted to those two people#so like okay I think the biggest most obvious issue here is that I have not been attracted to the people I’ve been intimate with#but I desire physical intimacy so I try to engage in it anyway#and then the ptsd enters the room and complicates things further#and this is why dating is so exhausting#because even people that say they want to take things slow don’t really fully get what I mean#but I also understand not wanting to continue getting to know someone that is not attracted to you when you went into this to#ostensibly form a relationship#what does annoy me is when they respond to my honesty about not being attracted with#‘I’d love to keep getting to know you as a friend’#and then never talk to me again#like come on please just be real with me#I desire intimacy but can’t mentally or physically do casual hookups#and at this point I think I might give up on dating because it’s actually so draining#I think the only way for me to meet a potential partner is to keep making new friends and see what happens#but I don’t have energy to do anything or go anywhere outside of work#so I guess I’ll just be a spinster with a diverse sex toy collection and a Zoloft prescription
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silly as it sounds, reconnecting with my sw interest has done a lot for me mentally and emotionally. I feel like I'm rediscovering and embracing myself after having repressed it for so long due to shame
#i was raised on the movies but in particular the prequels#so ive been interested in sw my entire life#but when i was in elementary school i began getting bullied for it quite heavily#so i tried to disconnect myself from it#come high school mental health is shit so i mostly forget the interest at all#i kept up with the main media but none of the animations like i used to adore#and here we are today having recently decided to give up on the shame bc im too damn old to care anymore and embrace my interest once again#ive felt shame bc of the constant bullying but also bc 'sw is not for girls' and have faced so much judgment for that#also finding people like minded here had been a blessing since there is so much negativity#idk im just happy#私の
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