#feeling very alone and unlovable
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you know, i realized, the one constant in my life so far has been that the only people who have dated me has been the ones that didn't know any better
#personal post#feeling very alone and unlovable#also i have a cold#and today i got told i need to work harder on getting better#when i feel like im already doing my best to get better#and my only friend is too busy with their friends in london to call me#welp
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#petition for my brain to shut the fuck up#man i’ve been doing so well lately i hate that i’m feeling like this the past few days#i know it’s because i’m about to get my period#tmi sorry#but damn#bonking my brain with a hammer yelling YOUR FRIENDS LOVE YOU! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!#WHY DO YOU FEEL SO UNLOVEABLE AND UNIMPORTANT#especially when i have had conversations with like. four separate people very very recently about how much we are grateful#to know and love each other#so why the hell is my brain doing this to me 🥲#love irrational thoughts and feelings xoxo#to be deleted#personal#sometimes i feel like tinker bell like i truly think i’ll die if i don’t get enough attention#but at the same time i’m like#be grateful for the attention you do get bitch
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There's just like a lot of things about me that make me feel like I'm profoundly unlovable
#GDKSGJSHSKHSKSHHELP I'M. I FULLY UNDERSTAND WHY I DROPPED IT BACK THEN#LIKE. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO PUT IT INTO WORDS. ESP WITHOUT SOUNDING LIKE#bruh my brain came up w the phrase 'bootleg incel' anf i nearly choked on my drink about it GSKGSAHSGKS#BUT IT'S LIKE. 100% . I HAVE A LOT OF DEEPLY ROOTED INSECURITIES THAT JUST. FUCK ME OVER#and make me see shrimp colors like oh this is a very lovely story where one character is#deeply misunderstood and ostracized and feared and dehumanized and they've spent their entire life alone#and also she's a hot space girl. OBVIOUSLY THE GUY IS GONNA FALL IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT#LIKE. LIKE. and it is sooooooo love at first sight and it's super sweet but like THE SHRIMP COLORS. HURTING ME#and i KNOW. i'm the one who's being stupid about it. like objectively it's a fun story and it's cute and exciting#but man. i am just one evil concoction of a guy. there are a lot of things about me that make me feel unlovable.#not only am i undesirable i also just do it wrong. i fit into zero social conventions and i pay the price for it#SWAGEVER...............#anyways i do recommend sazan and comet girl if only for the artwork but also. it's cute#there's just something wrong with me. deeply.#still reading it btw i just needed to get all this junk out of my system LMFAO#THE. INADEQUACIES..............#from my art to just all of me. as a person.#normal guy.
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#I’m sooooooooo grumpy and lonely and bored and tired and nobody care me and my two closest friends here are openly hanging out without me#like in front of my face. which is fine I do it with each of them constantly but it’s just the icing on the cake of a weird intangible#feeling of isolation and I have the move away urge again. lol#:-(#and I already ate very healthy all day and have had nothing to drink and worked out and showered and everything#and plus I’m not even luteal. so likeeeeeee it’s all true and I’m gonna be alone forever because I’m unlovable. lol#also I **** ** **** *** ***** *** *** *** ***** **** ** *****#<- good luck to me of the future decoding that#it’s about the wolf teeth and that girl. if that helps#Spotify
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sorry, halsey — hopeless fountain kingdom.
#ALL POWER DEMANDS PAIN AND SACRIFICE: musings.#NO SLEEP OF THE INNOCENT. NOT FOR YOU: character study.#it kind of surprises me just how much content there is out there about being afraid of intimacy but then again-#i have heard that that is supposedly one of the most common fears that people have apparently. so yeahhh but of course i do mean emotional-#intimacy here and oh my goshhh. i never realized just how sad parts of this song were until i listened to it again.#'i run away when thing's are good and never really understood the way you laid your eyes on me in ways that no one ever could#i hate to say it BUT that is so misao. she really does feel sooo unlovable sometimes and she has this 'leave them before they leave you'-#mentality that is so saddening to have TBH but i understand why she has it. her childhood kind of left her broken in a way i think-#in ways that can't be easily explained as it was very nuanced and complicated. but GAHHH that doesn't stop me from wanting misao-#to find at least some kind of love from people 😭 like she needs at least one friend or something that she can depend on bc i feel like-#that would really help her and being in a house alone all the time whenever she's not at work can not be good for her psyche.#so petition to get misao a friend or two? JSJSJ nahhh but i am legitimately being serious at this point#she needs someone who'll stick with her through thick and thin and will be understanding of the fact that she's got unresolved trauma so-#that partially causes her to be hyperindependent but i firmly believe that she needs people just as much as anyone else.#maybe more in fact but IDK#and the fact that in this song halsey says that she still knows facts about them even though she hasn't talked to them-#in forever? i'm WEEPING AHHH#that is so like misao as well sadly. she would literally take little notes as to what thing's people like to reference later if she had a-#friend because she 'doesn't want to get it wrong' whenever she gets them a present she says but it's really so that she doesn't forget-#how precious this person is to her and how she wrote down all of their favorite things as a result.
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💚 ⸺ @liecrafted 𝐡𝐚𝐬 𝐛𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐝 𝐛𝐲 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐄𝐧𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬. ┆ garden of earthly bodies
i wonder if you'll ever hate me.
The Enchantress reveled in times of conjoined quietude such as these. Secluded beneath bedsheets enveloped in the embrace of him, slender arms silently wrapped around his torso, holding his frame so closely to hers that they were essentially one soul, one entity. Peppering a few kisses unto his bare chest, the vixen says nothing at first. It very well could've been the exasperation subsequent to their intense fornication a few minutes prior spawning an outburst of vulnerability, though something deep within her core said otherwise… she knew the trickster well enough to dismiss it as something so neutral, no matter how skilled he was at deceit.
Sitting up in bed, the covers slid down her back and around her waist, enveloping her curves like an emerald cloak. Slightly disheveled curls akin to golden sunrays draped down her bare back and swayed as she tilted her head, virescent orbs aglow with perturbation. Dainty digits reach out and hold his hand, bringing it her mouth and bestowing a kiss upon the back, leaning her head down and resting her forehead against the very spot her lips caressed seconds prior. With her head laying there for a while, she pondered what could ever bring him to believe such a thing. He was a trickster, a manipulative deity of lies. He caused multiple atrocities and took pride in playing the villain if it meant gaining respect and acknowledgement. Though, she could never hate him. Because she knew what drove him to such internal turmoil. Because she knew him.
Lifting her head up, she smiled at him lovingly, stifling a sweet giggle. ❛ The day I ever come to hate you shall be the day all nine realms meet their end. ❜
#. ˚ ◞ ♡ IN CHARACTER ／ A love which is as unconditional as it is all-consuming.#. ˚ ◞ ♡ VERSE 02 ／ In the name of love madness claimed her.#liecrafted#;; amora loves him so so much </3#;; she knows all of what he did and she accepts him for who he is because his reasoning is very similar to hers#;; she understands that they just had different reactions to being brought up in a society that makes you feel unloved#;; and unwanted and feeling your self-worth is defined by what others perceive you as; they both just don't want to be alone#;; and they both want to be loved :'(
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#I know I have friends I know I am loved I know amatonormativity is a hell of a drug#and that it SHOULDN’T matter that I haven’t had an s/o in years#knowing this intellectually does not change the fact#that sometimes late at night I feel very lonely and unloved#it’s. look I know this isn’t how people work really#but it FEELS like not being good enough to be someone’s closest person#I know I KNOW that’s not like. how love and friendship work#but it’s not rational#I just. I want to be someone’s first priority#that’s probably selfish but I just feel very alone#surrounded by people who all have their own partners and I just. don’t#and it feels like not being good enough to be someone’s Someone
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this is good this is good im listening to we’ll never have sex at 11:30 pm. this is good this is a good sign about my mental health and how i feel about my ability to make and maintain relationships. yeah. this is great.
#its fine im good.#just. feeling again like i am romantically unloveable and even if i was i wouldn't know it and wouldn't recognize it and wouldn't know how#to carry it or maintain it. feeling once again like there is some part of me that will forever be very alone- no matter how many friends#whom i love so dearly i have around me- i will never be somebody's first choice and singular favorite person in the world#and thats just kind of. sad. i don tknow. maybe im just selfish and needy. and want to be loved and needed as much as i love and need others#and i just. can't. am not will not cannot be. and i guess i just have to find a way to accept and carry that. and most days i can#and some days its just harder.#anyway! points at my sign! no good thoughts after 11pm !! time to go to bed!#ignore this im FINE its FINE#moments i wish jamie was real so we could talk about it </3 but thats okay
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I am having a bad time 👍
#i will not elaborate here but. i am very sad. very lonely. nothing fixable but also i'll be fine in a day or two.#a little elaboration actually. as a treat.#i dont feel 'alone' as in 'unloved'. i feel 'alone' as in 'cosmically/spiritually/in any way that matters i am unwhole'.#no amount of positivity or sympathy is gonna fix this one. it is what it is.#batty blogging#text
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how dangerous is vagueblogging if they don't follow me anymore is the thing
#feeling very sad and alone and unloved after the trip to see my dad#where he very genuinely spent most of our potential time together shut in his room playing video games
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thinking unhappy thoughts at 1 am except these can’t even be categorized into the “no feelings past 4pm in winter are real” bc it wasn’t inherently a negative thought it was a positive thought which upon saying aloud sounded really fucking sad
#i was thinking about how nice it was to meet someone i met this past week#and how great it felt and how i felt like we clicked so instantly#and then i was like#‘huh wonder why most social interactions feel this good to me?’#and then i realized the difference was that this person actively introduced themselves to me and started conversation#as opposed to just about 90% of the social interactions i partake in which involve me sitting alone and being ignored#until i stand up and try and butt into some of my friends conversations in some way#anyways just thinking about how very few people seem to want to interact with me#nothing like real world experiences feeding into the deep-seeded belief i have that i’m inherently unloveable#and also that i’m inherently annoying but everyone is just too nice to tell me#i am not joking when i say i genuinely have trauma from being a neurodivergent person in the midwest#going from a life of ‘if people don’t like me they will tell me’ to ‘everyone seems to not like me but won’t say anything’#as a child was a traumatic experience and created intense feelings of inadequacy and trust issues#which i was already really vulnerable to bc i was emotionally abused as a kid#so combine having a dad who says everything you do is wrong no matter how hard you try#with friends who refuse to say what you’re doing wrong but will hold grudges against it and will be mad at you for it#but every time you ask them they say ‘no we’re not mad!’#plus literally like a decade of me trying to make friends in this fucking hellhole of a town and getting basically nothing but laughed at#and you can see why having a good social interaction for once is actually really fucking upsetting#because HOLY SHIT is that what life is SUPPOSED TO BE??#you’re telling me most interactions i have with people make me feel bad not bc i have social anxiety but because i’m giving it 110%#and i’m getting back maybe 10%???#anyways it’s wishing i didn’t live in this shithole place with these shitty people hours#and wishing the world was fucking nicer to me when i was a kid bc it was so rough for 13 year old me for no goddamn reason#every day is another day of realizing i literally didn’t have a time in my life when things weren’t falling apart#until i was literally 17#kristen
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#ignore this im in a bad mooddddddd#ughhh#anyway got to thinkin (mistake) and im just fuckin nobodys first priority#within my friend group im always the last choice. optional friend. in my family everything#i wanna do is second to whatever my sister has going on. i couldnt do shit going on cuz it was always either#'no u gotta watch your sister or no u gotta take your sister somewhere. and its just kinda like damn nobody gives a shit about me huh#and i guess thag isnt entirely true ive got internet friends that are very loving and supportive. but i cant help but feel entirely unloved#and alone. and sometimes im like its ok Ace loves you. but does he. if he were even real he would fuckin hate me what redeeming qualities#do i even have. what im annoying. i dont do shit. ok. i just wanna be somebody worth loving you know#*growing up not going on idk why i said that#thats another thing im just so fuckin stupid for what
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I try really, really hard to take care of myself and show myself kindness and treat myself to the things I love and it’s just really not enough to be the only one doing it.
#I’m just really sad tonight for no good reason and feeling very alone and very unloved and it sucks
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#you guys ever just get that random urge to burst into tears over something very small#i felt stupid bc I asked a friend in a different timezone if they wanted to talk on the phone when it was like midnight there#they said they couldn’t sleep so my ass was like oh do u wanna talk then#as if that’s not the opposite of what they’re trying to do#and they very nicely in the most polite and lovely way declined bc they have work in the morning#and were very sweet about it#and i’m not upset with them at all but i just got so upset with myself#like i felt stupid and selfish to ask because i know it’s really me that wants the company and it feels like i can’t talk to anyone anymore#every friend reaches a point where they get tired of me and can’t handle it anymore so they leave#and i understand! i’m a lot. even for myself#and i don’t know how to stop being unlikeable and unloveable and just shut the fuck up for oncr becsusr i always a say too much#i can never leave well enough alone#and i cry so easily now it’s annoying#even my family members have all gotten sick of me#my mom started screaming at me the other day and basically told me that I’m annoying and she dislikes me#and i couldn’t even acknowledge her for 3 days not bc i was trying to be petty but bc i could not handle seeing her#without thinking about what she said#and she’s still fucking pissed at me for the original conversation where I was asking if we could divide the cleaning in the house equally#or at least more equally. bc everything gets so messy and cluttered and it stresses me out so much#and i feel like i’m the only one cleaning up after 3 other adults who don’t give any consideration to leaving shit everywhere#and she basically told me to shut tf up and stop trying to act like i’m her parent#as if she didn’t parentify the fuck out of me as a child and use me as a therapist and tell me to be the bigger person every time my older#sister did something fucked up to me#and she- my mom- is being hella passive aggressive now and the vibes are just so toxic i feel like i can’t breathe ar home#like i just want to sleep i don’t want to be home or even conscious#i’m so tired of making myself as tiny as I can and still being made to feel like i take up too much space#emotionally and physically#i just want it to be over#and i want to tell someone but i don’t want to burden anyone or talk too much bc it’s all negative and i don’t want them to get tired of me#i finally made some friends through school and it’s fun to be in a group of people again but i’m so scared i’m going to ruin it
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i’m going to be the only sibling in my brothers wedding who doesn’t have a plus one and that is so embarrassing
#i mean with both sides of the family and i’m not even the youngest!!!#feeling very alone and unlovable HAHA#me doesn’t post on here for a few days and then shares too much yeah#caro.txt#personal
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I SEE PEOPLE ON THE FLOOR SLIDE INTO THE SEA CANT STAY HERE ANYMORE WE'RE TURNING INTO FIENDS IF I STAY HERE TROUBLE WILL FIND ME IF I STAY HERE ILL NEVER LEAVE..... ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️
#i hope they play sea of love on tour its growing on me. this whole album has rly grown on me this year i used to be on the fence abt it#blaring the national loudly so i can think abt someone elses fears instead of my own... save me matt berninger#just had a little ripple in the ol mental illness and suddenly got rly scared for no reason abt triggering myself#its bc i was talking earlier abt how i find it easier to socialise w strangers than friends when im struggling mentally#bc i feel like i have so much to lose if i fuck up w ppl i care abt. and also when i care abt ppl it gives them the ability to hurt me#bc i cant get rsd triggered around strangers. their rejection has no bite bc idc what they think or if they like me etc#but when i care abt ppl a lot. being rejected by or percieving rejection from them is like. worldshatteringly bad#specifically feeling unwanted/unloved the approval/criticism stuff doesnt affect me as strongly#and it can be so unpredictable like ik its not rational. so being around them becomes incredibly high stakes for me which makes me so sad#bc like. if im having a bad time all i want is to not be alone and to feel supported and cared abt but i deny myself that always#ah and im just scared bc its rly hard to come back after a few weeks like that. like yeah im feeling much much better and more stable#but im still a little fragile so my guard is still up. itll take a while before i stop reflexively thinking ppl are lying to me#its a fake it til u make it thing tho ik i need to spend time w them again even if some distant part of me is trying to remind me they#dont care and im everyones least favourite and will forever be on the outside like okay who gives a fuck. i care abt them and want to#be around them and that should be enough for me but auruururuugh. one million prickly needles in my brain#its all good its part of the recovery process ive done this before 10000 times itll be fine. and they do care#and i just need to keep reminding myself that until i trust its real again. oh the national we really in jt now#its okayyyy its not that deep im just very tired. wobble over im going to BED#gn everyone <3#.diaries
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