#that sometimes late at night I feel very lonely and unloved | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

shorkbrian · 4 years ago

Note

What's Deku like when he gets jealous?

Prelude - This is just an excuse for me to write subby(-ish), angry baby boy with a mommy kink, sorry. Want to put a little reminder here that this is fiction, and it’s depicting a bad relationship

Seriously you guys, I feel like I need to reiterate that a relationship like this isn’t healthy. Your partner should not cling to you 24/7, they should not try and manipulate your feelings. They can communicate their feelings in such a way (Baby, I’m feeling a little lonely right now, would you be up for some cuddling?) that doesn’t force you into rushing to assure them that you still love them because otherwise they’ll have a complete breakdown. I feel like this fic is an example of some unhealthy codependency stuff. I don’t condone this stuff, it’s not good, it’s very unhealthy.

Pls, pls, if you feel like your relationship might be bordering into something where you feel pressured to cater to your partner in ways you’re uncomfortable with out of fear that they’ll have a breakdown, talk to someone. Anyone. A therapist, a friend, a trusted adult, anyone. This is fiction, and it isn’t healthy, nor good

Pairing - Izuku Midoriya X Reader

Warnings - NSFW, unhealthy relationship, dubcon, co-dependency.

Music - https://open.spotify.com/track/2hfoyc7ve6xM4ZEiNIiU1B?si=w7PXedqHQPqUFPQTDcEYuA

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Needy

When Izuku sees another man talking to his girlfriend (it could be anyone, a store clerk, your coworker, the guy delivering pizza, your brother for christsake) he gets so incredibly needy.

Pulling at your clothes, whining when you have to leave for work in the morning, clinging to you like a child and refusing to let go.

He makes you late for work sometimes, working himself up when he wakes up in bed to find you getting ready in the bathroom, stumbling to your side and draping his arms around you before begging you not to leave. Acts like a petulant baby while you try to make coffee, grabbing your mug and putting it somewhere out of reach with a frown (if you can’t make coffee, you can’t leave. he knows that’s not how it works but he doesn’t want you to go, Izuku’s willing to try anything to get you to stay), his eyes so hurt and upset when all you do is huff and grab another mug from the cupboard.

Izuku holds you too close when he gets jealous, almost crushing you in his grip when he comes up and hugs you while you’re paying the delivery guy, glaring over your shoulder to make it clear that you’re his. When you’re talking to your brother, Izuku clings to your hand, pulls you into his lap, tries to touch (sometimes inappropriately) so much that you find yourself annoyed with him, batting him away so you can have a conversation with your brother.

And that hurts Izuku even more, feeds the flames of his jealousy until they’re an all-consuming fire of bitterness and insecurity.

The man is sure to swing by your office on his lunch breaks, bringing you your favorite foods to show you how good he is to you, even sitting and eating with you like a good boyfriend. He makes sure to be overly affectionate, holding up his chopsticks to your mouth, cooing at you to open so he can feed you, giving you a peck on this lips after you take a bite. If he finishes his own food before you do, Izuku spends the rest of lunch kissing at your neck, occasionally stopping to rest his head against your shoulder like a sleepy toddler.

One time, your coworker had passed by the break room, and made eye contact with you while Izuku was trying to suck at your neck with his arms wrapped around your shoulders. It made you blush so hard, and you couldn’t talk to that coworker for at least a week. Obviously, that’s always Izuku’s goal with such overt PDA whenever he stops by your office.

It’s hard not to get short with him, shrug him off or let you irritation show in your voice when you tell him to give you some space. Izuku takes that personally, somehow wiggles himself even closer while pouting and trying to make excuses for why he needs to be in your space.

When you do snap, raising your voice a bit at your boyfriend and telling him you’d like to watch the movie alone, Izuku rears back from your body, eyes wide and breathing hard, as if you’d physically struck him. You don’t feel guilty though, he’s been hounding you all week, never giving you room to breathe, initiating sex every single night just so you can feed his craving for your touch.

He leaves the bedroom, sulks off to the living room with his tail between his legs, letting you finally take a breath.

You only finish an episode or two before his back, clutching at his sleeves, tears in his eyes, sniffling and looking so small. He’s past 6′, a full grown man, and yet he’s shrinking in on himself so much that he looks far shorter than you.

“Are you mad at me?”

And of course you aren’t, not really. But you’re a full grown adult, and it’s not healthy for Izuku to be so dependent on you, so clingy and needy and possessive.

“I’m not mad Izuku, I just wanted some space.” You sigh.

“You’re ignoring me.” And his tears hit full force, bubbling over and running down his cheeks, and your heart drops.

He’s manipulating you, always does. You’re not stupid, you know this isn’t a good relationship - Izuku’s dependent and jealous of anyone who isn’t him, and you enable that behavior, don’t do enough to curb it. But he’s a full grown man, you aren’t his mom.

Izuku doesn’t agree.

“’M sorry mommy, I just want to be close to you... please don’t make me leave.” And he looks so pathetic, so desolate standing there in the doorway, cheeks wet and red from crying.

A beat passes while you war with yourself.

But you can’t ever seem to uphold your own boundaries.

“C’mere, it’s okay.”

And he’s by your side in a flash, climbing onto the bed, face-planting into your chest, his hands desperately petting at your neck and hair as if he’s trying to soothe himself. It’s an awkward position, but it’s one that he’s comfortable with. you know trying to encourage him to put his face anywhere else would result in a giant fit.

He’s crying heavily, tears soaking your shirt, mumbling about how he’s sorry, how he needs you, how you’re making him sad and feel so unloved.

You feel a little bit guilty, even though you know you shouldn’t

Stroking his hair, you making shushing sounds, trying to calm him. “Shhh shhh shh, it’s okay Izu. I love you, you’re okay.”

“But I’m not!” He cries, head lifting, fixing you with a pouty glare. His eyes are puffy and red, he’s biting his lip, and he looks like a man again, angry at you. “You’re getting tired of me and you don’t want to date me anymore.” Izuku’s lip wobbles, and then he’s burying his face back into your chest unhappily.

“Izu... no baby...” You start. “I love you so much, I’m not breaking up with you.”

Although, maybe you should.

The man shakes his head, and you want to huff at his childish display, but you know he’s sensitive, know he’s a bit more emotional than most, always has been.

“You don’t love me. You keep talking to other guys, and you won’t spend time with me anymore. You don’t even want to have sex with me, I know you don’t, I can tell.” He accuses.

That’s not the truth at all, and part of you knows it. He’s good at fucking you, knows how to play your body like the most treasured instrument. Izuku’s so enthusiastic, so eager to please, going down on you with determination to make you writhe and scream on his tongue. When you pull him away, he’s blushing, panting, almost dizzy from the rush of making you cum..

“Tell me it feels good. Did I do it right? Did I make you cum?” and you’re nodding your head, pussy still pulsing lazily from the aftershocks.

He always grinds himself against the bed, and it must feel good because by the time he pushes inside, he’s barely able to stop himself from cumming at the oversensitive squeeze of your cunt.

But he always makes sure to make you cum one last time before he finds his own release.

And it’s not true that you won’t spend time with him, or that you’re always talking to other guys. You hardly talk to anyone anymore, Izuku even finding problems with your female friends (”They aren’t good for you, I bet they’re talking about you behind your back. I mean, look how easily they talk about that one girl when she's not hanging out with you all.”)

“Izuku, you’re being a dumb baby, get up here.” Sometimes the only way to shut up his insecurities is to take control, so you do. Tugging on his hair until he pushes upward, you find his mouth, kissing him deep.

When you pull away, eyes closed, lips warm from how intently Izuku kissed you back, you can feel your boyfriend hovering, mere inches away from your face.

“Show me you love me. I want.... I want you to show me mommy. Make me feel loved, please?”

Ah, so that’s how he wants you.

When he gets angry, upset with you, Izuku resorts to name calling. not the vicious, cruel, bullying kind. No, he calls you mommy, expects you to take care of him, make him feel good and shower him in love ‘til he cries, until he doesn’t have to doubt you.

You always do whenever he calls you mommy. There’s an underlying threat whenever he insists on the dynamic, a simmering malice that you can barely pick up on. A little bit of you is... almost afraid. But if you’re quick to adapt to the role he wants you to play, as you always are, nothing comes of that hint of hostility hiding beneath his cry-baby cover-up.

“Turn over then baby.” You tell him, pushing at his chest.

He does so easily, watching with wide eyes as you rise to your knees, beginning to strip seductively, starting with your shirt.

“Keep your eyes on mommy, want you to watch.”

“Okay.” He breathes, a hand falling to his crotch, squeezing at the quickly-developing bulge there.

You allow it for now, more focused on swinging your hips, bringing your shirt over your head sexily, letting it mess up your hair as you tug it off before throwing it off the bed.

Shimmying your bottoms down, you leave your panties on, shifting to lean against one hip to pull your bottoms the rest of the way off, pointing your toes as you bring them past your feet.

Izuku’s eyes follow the garment, before flicking back to your panties.

They’re nothing special, just simple cotton underwear that keeps you covered, but Izuku thinks you look hot in everything, anything.

“Mommy... want you bad. ‘M hard, please-please fix it.” He whines, bucking his hips up into his hand.

You swat at his hand, and he yelps a little before looking at you with confusion.

“No touching, only mommy gets to do that.”

Izuku nods so quickly his neck pops, which makes you smile a bit. When he’s not being needy or clingy, he’s cute. It’s what drew you to him in the first place, what reeled you in.

You start by running a hand over his clothed chest, dragging fingertips over his nipples, watching as your boyfriend puts his hands above his head and lays back, eyes fixed on you.

Hands hook around the waistband of his sweatpants, beginning to slowly drag them off his body. You press them down hard over his bulge, and your boyfriend stutters out a breath.

His shirt gets pushed up to his face, where you hold it above his mouth.

“Open up baby boy.”

He opens his mouth, and you stuff the hem in, telling him to bite down. He does.

You duck down a bit to lick at his chest, laving over his nipples with the flat of your tongue just to feel the man jump a little, arching his back to press his chest further into your mouth.

But you were only here to tease, so you pulled away , running a hand down his abdomen so you could trace a finger up his hard cock.

It was easy to get him worked up, tapping two fingers against his shaft, lightly giving his balls a squeeze, scratching at his thighs with your nails.

Izuku was getting his shirt wet, whining around the fabric, bucking his hips into you touch, trying to entice you to stroke his entire shaft instead of teasing.

You quickly put a stop to that with a hand pressing down against his hipbone, pinching the skin there to make it clear that you didn’t want him to move.

Teasing a bit more, you leaned down, blowing cool air across the tip of his cock to watch the man jump, eyes flying open at the sensation. When you did it again, following the movement with attaching your mouth around the head and suckling, Izuku’s eyes rolled back in his head, toes curling.

He was moaning behind his shirt, trying to say something, but you were too preoccupied with digging your tongue into the slit, slurping at his cock like it was a piece of candy.

Your hand finally closed around his length, giving him a light, quick stroke before letting go, popping your mouth off his cock to lick at the sides, closing your mouth over the tender, barely-there veins and giving them a quick suck.

Izuku choked out a loud moan, and you looked up to find him staring at you, pupils dilated, breathing hard through his nose.

He was wanting you to hurry up.

Even though you were supposed to be in charge right now, Izuku still held the power.

You gripped his shaft again, rubbing the velvety skin between your fingers and palm, before slowly beginning to jerk him off. It was too dry, too rough though, and you know Izuku wasn't fond of that, so you stopped a moment to gather spit in your mouth.

“Izu, watch baby.” You told him, making sure he was looking down at you before you opened your mouth, letting your saliva slowly drool out and onto his cock.

The man looked like he was going to burst.

You did that a couple more times, telling your boyfriend to watch each time.

Now thoroughly wet, you gripped him tight again, resuming your leisurely pace.

“Izu baby, if you want to cum you gotta ask.” You say gently, hand speeding up around his length.

Izuku groans, throwing his head back onto the pillows, letting the wet hem of his shirt fall from his mouth. “Can I... can I cum mommy? Please? I-I need to cum.”

You stay quiet, wanting to push him a little more, hand barely moving around his cock, but your grip tight and slick.

His face is all red now, the tears from earlier dry on his cheeks. “Oh mommy, please let me cum, you feel so good. ‘M so clo-se! Please, please-”

Twisting your hand around the tip before letting go, you watch his cock bob, twitching, so red and hot. The veins on the underside are pulsing, Izuku’s balls drawing up, his stomach tensing as he struggle to hold back, struggles to be a good boy.

You know he loves this - loves when you make him wait, when you make him beg.

“You don’t sound like you really want it ‘Zuzu, I don’t know if I should let you.” You’d learned over time what he wanted when he got like this, what you were supposed to do to make him happy.

Izuku wanted you to be a bit mean, to tease and tease and not let him cum.

He let out a wail, squirming against the sheets, hands still obediently above his head, although they opened and closed shakily as if he wanted to grab onto something, probably you.

“No, ohhh, mommy I do, I want it s’bad!

Shaking your head makes Izuku whine, his hips thrusting into the air desperately before they stilled.

“Please... You make me feel so-so good mommy. I love you so much. just wanna cum...”

And his voice sounds so broken, all raspy and breathless, so you relent.

You strip his cock hard and fast, the wet sound of your hand around his length clicking around the room as Izuku almost screams at the sudden stimulation.

He jerks against the bed, thrusts up into your hand, you watch his abdomen ripple and his thighs tense and-

You let go of his cock right as he starts to cum, and Izuku lets out a wounded cry. His hands fly to his aching cock to rub himself through his orgasm, ease the tingling and the throbbing as his cock jerks, but you’re faster. His wrists are grabbed, and you pull them to your chest, ignoring the eyes looking at you pleadingly. Your own eyes are focused on his cock, globs of cum oozing out of the tip, running down the sides, his cock twitching and moving as if it had a life of it’s own.

“MOmmy no!” The man cries, but it’s useless now, his orgasm’s already been ruined.

“Shh ‘Zuzu, you’re okay. Mommy loves you.” You soothe, moving to his side so you can give him an awkward hug, his hands flying to clutch at you as soon as you let go of them/

“Mm, love you, love you mommy. Love you so much.” He sniffs, his hands pulling you to him so tight that you almost lose your balance.

You give him a pat on the shoulder, before trying to pull away, stopped by his firm grip. “Baby, let mommy go so I can take care of you.”

The man sniffs once more, pressing himself to you tightly with a wet kiss to your neck before relenting, letting you sit up.

A timid smile graced your lips as you shuffled down again, attention back on his cock.

It was even wetter now, cum barely dribbling out the tip, some of it on your boyfriend’s lower tummy, some of it slipping to his balls. His legs were spread, and you’d be surprised if some of the whiteish liquid hadn’t dripped down his taint.

Gently, you started rubbing his thighs, soft little circles meant to soothe and calm.

You spent a fair amount of time doing that, ten minutes, fifteen, then twenty, laying your head on Izuku’s knee as you lost yourself to the mechanical movement.

But then his leg jerked, shaking you to the present and out of your thoughts.

His cock was hard again.

He was looking down at you with big, expectant eyes, watching your every move like a cat watching a mouse. You were supposed to be in charge, but you never truly felt like it.

“Pretty boy... you’re so pretty, know that?” You cooed, reaching up to start sliding your hand along his length, the texture slick and somewhat sticky.

Izuku moaned. “Not-not as pretty as mommy... You’re the prettiest. Love you...” He trailed off, obviously wanting you to say it back.

“I love you too Izuku.” And then it was back to teasing, rubbing at his cock before gripping him tightly, squeezing at the base, playing with his balls, fondling the soft skin.

He was getting impatient.

“Mommy, I wanna fuck you.” Izuku whined, his eyes tearing up, already shuffling so he could sit up.

You were tired, but you figured that he might as well. Telling him no might lead to a big fight, and you’d be back where you started, Izuku accusing you of the unforgivable offense of no longer loving him.

Nodding, you let go of his cock.

Within seconds, you were on your back, your boyfriend pushing and pulling at your limbs until they were where he wanted them.

“Oh, look at mommy, look at this.” the man sighed, pulling your panties to the side to reveal your slit, already glistening. “All for me, right? Just me?”

“Mm-hm.” You reassured him, jolting a bit as his fingers started to slide against your folds, before rushing to dip one inside.

He was often too eager with this stage, wanting to fuck you now. But you endured, wincing a bit at the slight sting as he began pushing in and out, dipping down to mouth at your neck.

Green curls tickled your skin, and you latched onto them, tugging a bit when he pushed another finger inside, impatient.

“Sorry, I just-just wanna feel-wanna fuck you, you’re.... I love you.”

He couldn’t stop himself from telling you every other second, adding a third finger, scissoring them inside you a bit too fast for it to be comfortable.

But then they were gone, and he was lining himself up.

“Be gentle-be gentle-!” You cautioned, words cut off with a small gasp as he pushed inside, only half listening.

He was average, definitely not the biggest you’d ever taken, but thick enough to have your eyes fluttering shut with each rock of his hips against your body.

You still had your hands buried in his curls, Izuku lifting his head so he could kiss you on the mouth, wet and warm and hungry for every ounce of affection he could pull from you.

It didn’t take long for him to find his rhythm, thankfully not hammering into you, just thrusting quick and short, barely pulling out before seating himself balls deep again.

And it took even less time for him to start moaning about his impending release.

“Mommy, fuck, you feel amazing, I’m so close.”

You were on the pill, but Izuku knew how much you didn’t like him cumming inside. It felt weird, and you hated the cleanup, and it was just a general mess you’d rather avoid.

“Izu...oh pull-pull out baby, don’t cum inside mommy.”

His eyes fix you with a stern glare, as stern as he can manage after being teased and having his orgasm ruined and teased again until he cried. But then he softened, burying his face into your neck, whining quietly.

“No, no, nuh-uh mommy-y, wanna-wanna cum inside. I wanna cum inside mommy, I’m-I’m gonna cum inside mommy.”

His thrusts faltered, becoming jerky and quick and entirely focused on his own pleasure as little moans and gasps punched out of his throat. “Wanna cum, wanna cum, wanna cum-!” He cried, humping against you like an inexperienced virgin.

His load gushed into you like a flood, and you barely thought to wince before you were bumming yourself, limbs twitching erratically as you rode out the waves burning through your body.

It takes you a few minutes to come down, Izuku’s bigger body draped across your form as he tried to even out his breathing, gulping in air as if he’d just finished a marathon.

You felt irritated at him, that he had cum inside, at how he always bulldozed past what you wanted.

A small part of you knew that this wasn’t.... it wasn’t okay. He was breaking your boundaries, and the unending reliance and worship made it hard for you to tell him no.

It felt good though, having someone tell you that you’re the reason that they woke up every morning. That they couldn’t live without you, how you were their everything, their one and only. He lifted you up, praised you and made you feel wanted and needed.

Your relationship was a pot of water being brought to a boil. You knew it was happening, you knew it wasn’t good, but the water felt warm. The sting of it’s heat was welcome for now, even though you knew that it would end in nothing good.

Even if you wanted to get out, how would you? Izuku kept such a tight grip on you, even now, his arms holding you close, his bodyweight crushing you.

He was just so needy.

And you were willing to give.

#izuku midoriya #yandere izuku #izuku midoria x reader #yandere izuku midoriya #izuku imagine #izuku smut #bnha midoriya #bnha #BNHA smut #my hero academia #bad relationship #bad dynamics #unhealthy relationships #dependency #co-dependence #tw dubcon #tw.dubcon

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minniepetals · 4 years ago

Text

unlove me, i dare you | 02

— summary: it wasn't meant to be. you're only a burden

— pairing: bts x reader

— genre: angst, fluff, office!au, break up!au, exes to lovers!au

— word count: 7.1k

— warnings: just little moments of heartbreaks y’know?

— part 1

There are moments when you feel as if you'll just break. Fall from the tip of a counter, shatter against the hard floor, and break into little tiny pieces.

It hurts more than you can imagine, hurts more than words can ever convey. You hadn't known that telling them you weren't in love, saying such a lie out loud for them to hear, would tear your own heart right out of your chest.

Your heart aches and aches, throbbing in pain, begging for you to do something, anything, for the knives to stop stabbing right in and hurting you even more.

But what can you do? This is all your fault.

The break up is your fault.

And though you hope you can just ignore them at the workplace, it is almost close to impossible. They're the executives after all, your bosses, the ones who owns the building you work in.

It isn't easy to try and avoid them, it isn't easy at all. Because every time you walk in the halls, someone is always around. Sometimes they come in twos, sometimes they come in threes, sometimes, one time, they even come in seven altogether.

Yet you refuse to look up whenever you feel their presence, pretending to be coldhearted, acting as if you have no heart, as if you aren't the Y/N you once were. And perhaps they do hope to say something, to drag you into an empty room, to talk things over, to try and understand why.

But there isn't anything to explain.

You've broke them, telling them you weren't in love, lying to them about a truth you were too afraid to come face to face with. So of course they don't try to approach you.

Why would they?

After all, you're the one who said that you didn't love them after Jungkook confessed.

They're hurt.

But you know that eventually the feelings will come to an end. Maybe Jungkook is just confused, maybe they're all confused, so you try your best to avoid them as you work, knowing things will pass and they will forget about you in time.

It'll hurt because you know it won't be easy for you to forget the seven of them, because it'll be easier for them to forget about one person, someone who had walked into their lives and is destined to leave.

They were happy before you came into the picture, they'll be happy after you leave.

But still, you have to admit that it hurts.

It hurts to see them in the hallways or meetings. Hurts as you avoid any conversation that brings them up unless absolutely necessary and important. Hurts to see other girls flocking around them and acting all flirtatious.

You don't understand what they see in you. You're shy and introverted, always left in the shadows of the crowd, never brave enough to stand up for yourself, never brave enough to speak up. There are so many other girls who has style and personality. They know what to say, know how to respond to flirtatious comments. They know how to doll up to impress others.

And yet it's you they want.

So you find yourself asking, why you?

"Minyoung please, I know something is wrong with Y/N."

She looks up at him with a knowing face that falls sad to the floor, not knowing how to respond as the CEO of the company is asking something of her. Normally she will answer to anyone above her level but this is about you, her best friend, so she hesitates on her words.

Namjoon's brows furrow, knowing completely well how conflicted she must feel but he has to know. "I know Y/N, she isn't that cruel. I know she wouldn't just...pretend she had something for us and fake her happiness like that. Y/N is sincere, I know her. She..."

Or perhaps he thought he knew you.

But as days pass by and he's trying to figure everything out while the rest of the boys try to hold themselves up after that day, it becomes harder to try and understand everything.

Did you really mean what you said?

You don't love them. Okay, sure, he can take that, but you're Y/N, you're kind and gentle and sweet and he knows you wouldn't just break things off if you weren't sure whether you loved them or not.

You'd talk to them to try and figure things out.

"Please, Minyoung..."

He doesn't know what to do anymore. It hurts, the aching in his heart, watching you from afar, watching as you try to avoid anything that has to do with them, watching as you refuse to acknowledge their presence. He hates how things are, knows the boys have fallen hard and he has too, knows how hurt you've left him and the guys.

But still he has to know, has to know if you're alright, if you were lying. He has to know.

"Are you asking me as a boss...or as a man?" She asks him and he considers his answer.

"As a man," he tells her. Sincerely.

She lets out a sigh, brows creased. "Then I'm sorry to say, Namjoon-ssi, but I cannot answer your questions for my friend."

"You're going to this company dinner whether you like it or not!"

"What's the point?" You ask her as you heave out a sigh, bringing your knees up against your chest to hug your arms around it and prop your chin up. "It'll only make things worse, Minyoung. I'm trying to get over them, not fall even more."

She knows how you feel, your insecurities getting the best of you and wants to make things right again. But Minyoung also understands that she isn't the best person for you to hear compliments from. It's them that should reassure your feelings. But they have no idea about your true emotions, thinking you broke up because you lost interest.

She can still remember the broken face the CEO had on, a first for her to see him in such a state.

He was broken, hurt, and just so very confused.

So seeing you and hearing the sadness of your tone, Minyoung sighs.

"Come on, bubs, I don't wanna go alone and be lonely," she pouts, practically whining.

"Youngie, you're gorgeous, you won't be alone for long, trust me."

"But I wanna hang with you~" she drags out. "Come on, tell me when was the last time we got to hang out?"

You sigh. "Look, I'd love to hang but I can't go there. Not at the company dinner."

Yet the longer you refuse, the more consistent Minyoung is, whining and pulling at your arm with a pout, showing no signs of giving up so eventually you have to give in.

How can you ever say no?

Your arrival doesn't fly past their views, a sight they hadn't expected to see that night. But there you are, with Minyoung by your side looking a little conscious as your best friend tries to tell you to feel otherwise.

And she's right because you are stunning.

You've always been stunning but the dress and light makeup you have on makes your beauty pop a little more. You wear a pretty rose gold dress that falls just above your knees with off the shoulder straps, hair falling down behind you in an elegant manner. You avoid looking around, something they feel they know the reason to, and their heart aches knowing they can't just walk up to you and tell you how beautiful you look.

"I'm gonna go outside for a sec. The music is getting a little too loud."

Even if that was true, it isn't the exact reason why you're heading out but you can't tell Minyoung that and have her worrying about you when tonight is a party and she wanted to have fun. You can't ruin her good time so when she nods at you to go on, you leave without another moment of hesitation, not bothering to look anywhere else but the way that leads to the doors outside.

The night breeze is chilly when you head out and begin to regret not bringing a sweater to keep you warm.

You don't know how long time has passed but you're sure it's passed long enough with the stars twinkling up above.

It reminds you of that time with you, Namjoon, and Seokjin. A late night after staying up past work time, collecting datas and writing up reports. But you shake your head to rid of the thoughts before you become too invested into it, knowing it won't be good for your poor heart. The breeze is cold and you hug yourself, leaning against the wall of the building as a sigh escapes you, just waiting for time to pass until Minyoung finally feels like leaving.

"Lonely tonight?"

You almost flinch at the voice but keep yourself calm as you look up to find a stranger who looks sort of tipsy.

"Uh..just needed some fresh air," you respond with a tight forceful smile, eyes avoiding looking into his because you know he's up to no good.

You're scared.

Should you walk back in? But wouldn't that be rude? But this is about your safety.

You don't know what to do. You can't even make up an excuse about being taken because you aren't.

You're single and lonely and heartbroken.

"Looks like you need some company," the man notes but you shake your head, cringing.

"I'm alright," you promise.

"Nah, I'll just stay right here," he decides and leans against the wall, body coming closer as he blatantly stares at you. You shift away uncomfortably but he takes your wrist and has you flinching.

"Please don't."

"Oh come on, don't be scared," he urges but you're already trembling. "I won't bite, I promise." A smirk curls along his lips. "Unless you want me to."

Someone wraps their arm around your shoulders, pulling you back flushed against them as he forcefully pushes the drunken man back to stumble upon his own two feet. "She doesn't want anything to do with you," he says in a low demanding growl.

You know that voice and your heart begins to beat rapidly.

Yet at the same time, it throbs with pain.

"Sorry man, didn't know she was taken," he slurs his words and leaves not a moment too soon.

You aren't taken but it feels a little better knowing that can be an excuse to have that man leaving. You look up at Hoseok who refuses to look away until he's sure the man is gone before he looks back down at you.

"Sorry," he coughs awkwardly as he takes his hand off you and pulls away.

You already miss the warmth.

You look down at the ground, too afraid to meet his gaze. "Thank you."

"Yeah."

It's awkward, not knowing what else to say and the breeze passes by again, making you shiver at the cold.

Hoseok takes off his suit jacket without hesitation and drapes it over you to help you keep warm. It smells like him. Smells like them.

"You should head back in, stay with Minyoung," he says and then strides off, the heels of his shoes clicking as he walks away.

What Hoseok doesn't know is that the reason you left in the first place was to stop yourself from hurting while watching them surrounded by so many girls begging for their attention.

"Y/N, how'd you do it?"

"Hm?"

"You know," the girl shifts from side to side with a pretty grin that makes you uncomfortable, "how'd you manage to have them date you?"

Oh. "Sorry but I-"

"Why ask her that? She was clearly dumped."

Not really but it still hurts hearing that part of the story. Perhaps if you hadn't ended things early, maybe they would have been the one to call things off in the future.

"But she was still able to date them so I want advice!" She turns to you again, mischievous, a smirk curling at her red lips. "Did you..you know," they both chuckle knowingly, "seduce them? How'd you do it? I want tips. What should I do? Wear more revealing clothes? Wear more makeup? But then again you're kinda plain so maybe I should go for more subtle looks? Do the bosses like the boring ones more?"

Ouch.

"Hey! Stop harassing Y/N!" Minyoung is quick to pull you back behind you as she steps up boldly with piercing eyes at glares at the girl.

"What? I'm just trying to get myself some men," she says as if those words that were spoken to you had no ill intentions.

"Well do that somewhere else. I will not have you belittling my friend."

"I'm just telling the truth, what's wrong with that?"

That fuels your friend's anger. "Oh I'm gonna-"

But you take her arm, pulling her back. "Youngie, it isn't worth it."

"Oh hell no! How dare she-!"

"What is going on here?" The voice makes everyone in the room turn still and tense, knowing exactly who it is.

You and Minyoung turn around as Seokjin walks up towards the group, your heads falling forward to the floor in shame.

"Well?" He prompts, a brow raised and expecting an answer.

"Minyoung and Y/N were bullying me," the girl says and it makes Minyoung want to lash out but you're quick to tug at her arm before she can do so.

Seokjin turns to the two of you. "Is that right?"

Your friend is about to answer when you pull her back, head suddenly perking up to stare straight into Seokjin's eyes and say, "Yes, it is."

You want to know what he'll say to that.

Will he believe you? Or see it as a clear lie like that time you told them you didn't love them back?

His eyes widens a bit at your unexpected reply but eventually Seokjin lets out a sigh. "You may go," he tells the girl and Minyoung.

She leaves feeling as if she's won while Minyoung gives you a silent comforting stare before going.

The room remains quiet for a while as you avoid his gaze once more, not knowing what he'll do or say. Surely he knows you were lying, right? But then again, even if you weren't, what will he do? Punish you? Tell you that you're a disappointment and a failure like you know you are?

"Are you okay?"

Somehow he only manages to make your heart race yet ache again at the same time.

"Yes," you reply though in a whisper.

He doesn't say anything else so you take your little bow and leave without another word, knowing that being in the presence of him, in the presence of any of them, you'll feel like dying because it hurts so much.

You've fallen asleep again but when you're awaken, it isn't Namjoon as you expect for it to be.

It's Jungkook.

He wakes you though avoids your eyes for his own sake and you thank him as you begin to clean up.

But something goes wrong, something goes terribly wrong. Your vision begins to grow blurry, head pounding with a throbbing pain and your legs almost gives in under you.

"J..Jungkook..."

You don't know what happens after that.

His phone rings while he's watching you with a silent gaze, mind running all over the place at just the sight of your sleeping face alone.

"Yeah, hyung?"

"Why aren't you home?" Yoongi asks with worry. "Are you alright?"

"I had to take Y/N to the hospital."

The other line goes into a panic. "What?"

"She passed out about an hour ago and the doctor says there's clear signs of insomnia." His voice begins to break, eyes forming with tears knowing you hadn't been taking good care of your own health for whatever reason. And now here you are, passed out and so, so tired. "She's been neglecting her health for days, hyung, I don't...I don't know what to do. I'm scared, hyung. Y/N looks so weak and fragile I don't want her to keep going like this. Don't you think...don't you think there are other reasons as to why she broke things off?"

He wants to have hope, to feel as if he's still needed in your life and that you still care as much as he does for you.

Jungkook is scared.

So scared.

"Maybe we weren't treating her well, maybe..maybe she felt too insecure and was afraid our love wasn't enough. I don't know, hyung, I'm just so scared."

"Stay right there, Jungkook. We'll be over in a few minutes okay?"

You never expected to wake up in the hospital, needless to say in a VIP room. But here you are, eyes slowly adjusting to the light of the room where the sun falls in through the windows, waking you up.

You groan a little and feel a hand weighing against yours.

The man instantly looks up at the sound of your voice, breath hitching, and you find Jungkook's eyes filled with worry and pain.

"Y/N!"

Y/N.

Gosh you miss how he calls your name.

Before you can ask him why he's here and why you're in a VIP room, he climbs into the bed without a word, straddling you and pulling your body flushed against him.

"God I was so scared," he lets out a shaky sigh and you can feel the trembling of his body against yours.

He's so strong, always working out, muscles firmly holding onto you with no signs of letting go and it breaks your heart knowing he still scares oh so much for you and your wellbeing. But why? Why would he still care so much? Why would he begin crying uncontrollably? You've hurt them so much, hurt him. When he told you he loved you, you only responded by ripping his whole heart out and tossing it to the floor as if you had no emotions whatsoever.

Yet here he is, right there when you collapsed, right there to bring you help, right there as you woke up.

Right here to care as he's always done.

You don't get it.

"Jungkook..-" You pull away guiltily, pushing him off so that his arms can no longer wrap themselves around you with eyes that refuses to look into his. "Please stop. We..we're over and-"

"I know why you did it."

You look up, confusion clear on your face. "What?"

"You're scared," he says, hurt still in his gaze, painful tears of the rain falling but he wipes them away. "I know you're scared, Y/N. You're scared of falling in love because you're not sure whether we'll make it or not, because you think that we'll one day stop loving you. But I have to tell you this, Y/N." He takes both your hands, squeezing it tightly but not too much because he's afraid he'll hurt you. He looks into your eyes, his own so red and glossy, nose and cheeks flushed from crying, and a few more tears slips.

"Love is about taking risks," he tells you. "It's about not knowing if things will end in vain or you'll spend the rest of your life with them yet still risking it all because you love them." He releases a hand, opening one and placing it right at his chest, right above his heart. "Break my heart, Y/N. Break it, tear it, rip it into tiny pieces. Hurt me as much as you want to. Just..!" He hiccups, face distorted with so much pain it's tormenting seeing him like this.

"I love you, Y/N. I really, really love you." You remain silent but he keeps going. "I don't care how much you'll hurt me, I don't care how many times you do it just..please," he begs and begs over and over, "please don't leave me. Please don't leave us. I love you so much that it hurts but I'd rather feel this than to see you beat your own self up thinking you aren't good enough and that you will never be good enough, always thinking less of yourself and not understanding how beautiful and perfect you are.

"Please let us love you." He wraps his arms around you again, head buried against shoulder. "Let me love you. I will love you until the end of time. I will love you while you learn to love everything about your own self."

"You told them?"

"I..." She hesitates, her teeth clenched with a slight guilt as she scratch the back of her head before letting out a heavy sigh. "Y/N, I just...I can't keep watching you destroy your own self like that," she tells you. "You are so much more than what those people think, so much more than what you think. And I didn't want them thinking the only reason you left was because you fell out of interest. You're scared, I know, but Y/N," she walks up to you, taking your hand with a pleading expression plastered on her face, "their love for you isn't feeble. I know you're afraid, thinking they deserve more but trust me when I say this,"

She squeezes your hand, a gentle smile curling along het lips. "You are more than enough. More than just kind and beautiful and perfect and sweet. You deserve the whole world but the world will never deserve you. And I think that they're the only ones who can truly show you that. Give this another chance, hm? You'll never find yourself any other boys like them who are so willing to do everything if it means having you by their sides. They love you, Y/N, they truly do."

Three little soft knocks and it's accompanied by a light grunt.

"Come in," the voice grumbles and you worry that perhaps this isn't a good time.

But you stop yourself, knowing that hesitation and overthinking will only make you crawl back into your little hole and you cannot have that. So you take a deep breath, in and out, though it is shaky, and count one two three, fingers clutching the familiar suit jacket in hand, before you twist open the door to let yourself in.

He doesn't look up to see who is there, eyes too focused on the screen in front of him, brows creased with concentration, fingers tapping away. You feel so nervous. "What is it?" The man asks and you find yourself holding your breath.

There is a moment of hesitation before you speak up. "..Mr. Jung, I've come to return the jacket you lent me the other day."

His head is quick to snap up, fingers frozen, eyes widening as he realizes that it's you.

You think your heart may explode with how hard it's beating against your chest, slowly, loudly, and it's hard keeping eye contact with him because he looks like that, handsome as ever, so your eyes are the first to look away as always. Though this time for a different reason.

Maybe.

You swallow a lump in your throat as you can hear his footsteps walking your way, feeling the heat of your body radiating. You hope you aren't blushing because his room has very good lighting and right now you don't want to handle having him see your flushed cheeks.

"Y/N."

"U-um.." You start panicking at how close he's coming, taking a step back to try and give space but Jung Hoseok only steps forward when you walk back until your back hits the wall with a thud and he's right there, placing a hand right next to your head.

"Can you look at me?" He asks softly. "Please."

You don't do as he asks so he lets out a little sigh, a hand coming up to your face for his forefinger and thumb to caress your chin. When you don't resist, he lifts it up with ease as you clutch onto the jacket in hand, hugging it tight against you, awaiting the moment when you have to look up to him in order to meet his gaze.

Your heart skips a beat.

Yet it also throbs at the sight of him.

He leans in without a word, so slowly, and you don't find yourself pulling away.

Jung Hoseok hesitates for the first time, lips just inches away from yours, lids fluttering almost closed but he still watches you from his hooded gaze, waiting for you to pull away and tell him no, that you don't want this, that you still need time to figure everything out now that they know the truth. The real truth.

Though the three words are still on the tip of your tongues, waiting, hoping, wishing.

Can he say it?

Can you?

He closes the distance and you feel soft, soft lips on top of yours. The jacket falls from your hold and your heart flutters and throbs at the same time, a kiss that had been waiting too long, a kiss you hadn't expected when you walked in but welcomed, a kiss that leaves so sweet yet too quick for your liking because Jung Hoseok pulls away.

You watch him carefully. His face crumbles with pain, eyes closed shut, head falling to rest against your shoulder as you hold your breath, not really sure if the kiss really just happened or not.

He snakes his hands around your torso, pulls you in flushed against him, and holds you.

He holds you, and holds you, and cries little whimpers that makes your own chest tighten as tears fall on their own accord.

You stay like that for a while before he pulls away, sniffling and looking away, refusing to let you see him with tears as he wipes them away. He clears his throat and picks up the jacket that had fallen on the floor, back turning your way as he heads for his desk. He drops the flimsy thing onto the table and just stands there, silent for a few more seconds.

"We still need to talk about...what's going to happen." You nod though he can't see it. "We should have some time in about three hours, will you come then?"

"..Yes."

He dismisses you and you leave without another word.

Minyoung is there a few doors away, looking at you with a questioning gaze as she hugs your arm while the two of you walk back to your cubicle. "So..how'd it go?"

"I...don't know. I honestly don't know."

And so the three hours await.

But you don't come.

Ten minutes pass and another five. No sign.

It pains them thinking that perhaps you really don't want to fix this. But they're too persistent and their love for you is too strong to just give up like that.

So Yoongi sighs as he stands. "I'm gonna look for her."

Taehyung and Jimin follows him out the door.

"Stop it, get away!" They hear a familiar voice a floor down and run over because if Minyoung's shouting and feeling pissed then that must mean it has something to do with you. "Y/N, it's okay."

"What the hell is going on?" Yoongi quickly intervenes in on the scene as they run to your side who's looking so small as you cry.

"Y/N?" Jimin calls, worried.

"What did you do to Y/N?" Taehyung demands as he glares at the man, waiting to just rip his head out.

"Nothing! I promise!"

"You were flirting with her and tried to touch her!" Minyoung shouts otherwise.

"What's wrong with that?" He scoffs. "I just touched her shoulder, that's it."

Yoongi pushes the man in an instant. "Some people hate it when people touch them!"

But you let Jimin hold you, let him pull you into his arms as you cry into his chest.

"You're fired."

"What? But-"

"Leave."

He huffs and glares your way before stomping off, leaving Yoongi and Taehyung to turn back to you.

"Y/N.." They know you get scared when strangers touch you and an angry sigh leaves Yoongi's lips.

"Y/N?" Your friend worries but Taehyung puts a small pat on her shoulder.

"We'll take care of her," he tells her with a thin smile and she knows she can trust them.

They're fretting over you the second you walk in and see the tear stains on your face.

"What's wrong? What happened? Are you alright, baby? I mean..!" Jungkook mentally punches himself on the face. "Not baby! I mean, unless you — wait no, this is more important right now! Are you okay? Do I have to kill someone?"

You giggle at him and it's something that makes their hearts skip a beat, a sound they hadn't heard in such a long while. "I'm okay, I promise," you tell him sincerely. "I'm sorry for being late."

"You have no need," Namjoon says as he takes you to sit on the sofa while Seokjin hands you a cup of tea to help you calm down. "Take all the time you need," he tells you and honestly, you don't want to take up anymore time than what's already have been wasted.

But you're unsure of what to say, feeling so small as you take a sip of the tea and they watch you carefully.

You flush under their gaze, eyes falling to the floor. "Don't do that," you say in a soft whisper but they hear you. They always do.

"Do what?"

You shift a bit uncomfortably at Taehyung's question. "You know I hate that."

Jimin chuckles. "More like you're just too shy."

"..Perhaps."

"So.." You gulp at the words that comes out of Hoseok, knowing this is the beginning, and start to feel even more nervous. He lets out a soft sigh as if he understands. "We just want the best for you, Y/N," he says. "Whatever happens, whatever you want, whether it means getting back together or just completely and officially ending things but on an understanding term this time," he takes a moment, "we're willing to comply to whatever."

"But we still want you to know that we'll always love you, Y/N," Jimin vows. "We love you for the person you are whether you think that's believable or not. It isn't hard to love you. You're sweet and kind and gentle and always think of others at all times."

"You think you're selfish? Oh baby," Seokjin sighs, "you are anything but. If anything, you're the most sweetest person we have ever met. You don't have to give us anything, I promise you, just your care and heart, which you've already done such a good job when we were together."

"And to know that you felt like you were a burden," Yoongi stands to sit beside you, taking the cup of tea and placing it on the coffee table before taking your hands, "My love, you have done nothing but be a light in our lives. I love the times when you'd walk into our offices, greeting us with your precious smiles."

"And we love taking care of you," Taehyung says as he takes the seat on your other side. "I don't care if there's someone important to meet, I don't care if there's something important to attend to, because to me you are the most important out of anything. I'll drop everything even if you have just a slight cold."

"Tae-"

"I'm serious," he vows, fingers playing with your hair. "I love you."

"You don't have to feel the same," Namjoon says, "just...if you're willing to try again, we'll do everything in our power to make sure you feel loved."

"I'm not scared about that," you tell them and take a deep breath before continuing. "I know.." you feel your chest tightening, nose feeling congested, tears beginning to brim, "I-I know you care and love..a lot. But I..." you swallow a lump in your throat and it hurts them to see you like this, "how will I ever be enough?" You ask, voice cracking and that alone shatters their hearts.

"Oh baby.."

They're there surrounding you in an instant before the first tear falls and everything else follows. They hold you, hold you tightly, and you don't know why you thought you could have ever make it out successfully without them. "I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

"Baby you are more than enough."

"Shh..it's okay."

"We're right here."

It's so soft, so gentle, a warmth you've been missing for so many days, almost a whole month. You remember always lying in your bed at the end of the day, remembering Jungkook's soft, broken words as he told you he loved you, remembering the words you told them that shattered their hearts.

Because it's untrue, it is so untrue. And you have to let them know that. That you don't not love them.

"I miss you," you say, whimpering and leaning in closer to their holds. "I miss you and I love you."

"Everything okay?" Minyoung asks.

You smile at her question. "Everything's great. Thank you."

A few important binders in hand laid upon your arms as your white pumps clicks under you, you rush to try to get to your destination on time. Perhaps you'll be a few minutes early but it's better that way than to be late. After all, you'd hate to disappoint anyone.

Double checking through everything in hand, your feet rounds to the right, eyes looking up for just a split second to check whether you'll bump into anything or anyone, only for your breath to hitch as you take a double take and realize who is walking down the hall just meters away.

You think he hears your gasp and you're quick to turn around, thinking that perhaps you can take a few more minutes before arriving to your destination, yet your clumsy self only drives you to turn too fast and hit your head against the wall.

"Y/N!"

Crap.

His voice alone makes your heart speed up so fast you think it's very possible it'll fall right out of your chest if you aren't too careful. But this is Park Jimin you're talking about, how can you be too careful when he's the one making your heart race like this?

"Are you running away from me?" He asks, a playful undertone lying in his voice as he comes closer. Jimin crosses his arms against his chest as he studies you, face flushed and trying to avoid his gaze. "Ah, you're ignoring us again."

You're quick to turn and snap your eyes up at him. "What?! No!"

"I know," he teases with a light chuckle and brings his arms around you to pull you in close. Your face flushes again, head tilted down and the man frowns. "Come on, bubs, you're killing me here."

"It's just.." You sigh and with a light thud, your forehead meets his chest. "I don't know. You make me shy, alright?"

He laughs as he sways you from side to side. "I do that?"

"You have no idea," you grumble.

"Baby if there's anyone that have to worry about such things, it's me."

Narrowing your gaze with suspicion, you look up at him. "That's a lie."

"How can that be? You're pretty and cute, whose heart wouldn't race when it comes to you? Do you have any idea how hard it was watching you from before we got together and after you broke things off? Everyone wants a piece of you, Y/N."

"That's not true."

"It is so," he says, bopping your nose with his own, "you're just oblivious."

"Why does it matter anyway?" You shrug. "I'd rather have this love that's true than be with ones who only cares about looks."

"Aww, baby," Jimin coos. "I really love you, you know that?" He leans in just close enough to almost kiss your lips if you hadn't ducked away and shyly push him away.

"Jimin! Someone might see!" You quickly scold, cheeks blushing.

Yet he pouts. "Now that's the first time someone's pushed me away for wanting to kiss them. What's wrong with that?"

"People talk, okay?" You say. "Not towards you because you're an executive but I hear things all the time and I don't really wanna hear about my dating life while I'm working."

He sucks his teeth, annoyed. "People are always so nosy," he huffs before taking your hand and begins to lead you off the opposite end of where you have to be. "Come on, let's go somewhere private."

"W-wait but Jimin I have to-"

"Baby I'm one of the owners of this building, I'll just tell them you're occupied by me," he winks and before you can say anything else, the man is already whisking you away.

"You look so tired, are you alright?"

He shakes his head quickly to wake himself up, eyes closing tightly and opening a few times before sighing. "I'm alright baby."

But you know he isn't really. "Have you gotten any rest at all?" You ask him, worry clear in your voice.

Yoongi looks up at you with a fond gaze, heart softening because of how concerned you look but he also hates worrying you. So he smiles and reaches out for your hand in his lone office where no one but the two of you are present. You take his hand, rounding around his desk and over to him to allow the man to wrap his arms around your waist and lay his head against your stomach.

"I'll be alright, I promise."

"You have to remember to take breaks in between, Yoons."

Yoons. He likes it when you call him that. Likes the gentle feeling of your fingers running along his hair.

"I know, I know."

"The boys will worry too if they knew." You sigh. "Have you eaten?"

"I've got lunch in two hours," he says, "Will you join me then?"

He takes your hand to press a kiss upon the back, eyes gazing up at you through his lashes, and you smile, nodding. "Of course."

He pretends to be asleep when you walk in, a soft little gasp leaving your lips when you find him at his desk, head pressed down atop his arm as he rests them on the surface, eyes closed.

He hears your footsteps closing in on him, a moment of silence passing as you stand for a few seconds just watching him before beginning to clean his desk up in a quiet manner. His binders and papers are neatly stacked up, ipad set off to a safe side, and Taehyung almost gives himself away because he wants to smile. But he keeps himself composed, knowing well how to act.

When his desk his clean, you're standing next to him, a soft gaze on you as you watch him sleep. He feels gentle fingers weaving through the little tangles of his hairs before you lean in and he feels a kiss pressed against his head.

"I love you," you whisper.

So when you move away, he grabs ahold of your wrist, causing you to gasp, and pulls you right into his lap.

"Tae!"

"I love you too," he sighs, resting his face into your neck and laying a kiss right there.

"You okay?"

"Hm?"

"Everything alright?"

It's so gentle and sincere it makes your heart warm so you smile, sincerely, and answer him with a little kiss to his cheek. "Everything's great, Jin."

"Good," he smiles and presses a kiss to your temple.

There are still gossips going around but you know that as long as you're with them, it will never stop and people will always talk no matter what. You've gotten used to it and at this point, you don't really care anymore.

After all, Minyoung will come to defend your honor and if she doesn't then she'll definitely snitch to the boys, leading to consequences the others will have to face.

"You look happier these days," Namjoon notes.

"Of course," you giggle when Jungkook crawls into your arms. "I'm happy. Thank you."

"Why thank us?" The little one asks with a confused pout.

"You're the reason," you tell him. "I'm still slightly scared but I know that I'll never forget the love you've given me and how happy we all are. It'll hurt if we ever end but I know I'll look back on this as a happy memory."

"You say that as if we'll really end," Yoongi sighs as he plops down next to Hoseok.

"Well...you guys have been together for a while so I highly doubt that will end but I don't-"

"My love, look at me," Namjoon commands in a soft tone and you do. How can you not? He leans in close as Jungkook lets him take you, tilting your head up for you to look up at him under his hold at your chin. "It doesn't matter how long some of us have been together, our love for you is neither weaker nor stronger. Can you trust me on that? Hm?"

"Mm..I'll try."

A kiss falls on your lip and he frowns. "I love you."

"I-I know," you're blushing, "I do too."

Another kiss but this time it comes from Jungkook. "But do you really know?"

"Looks like we'll just have to show babygirl until she can stop doubting this relationship."

"N-now hold on!" They're closing in, too close, attention all on you and it makes you flustered. "I..I didn't mean-"

A pair of lips falls onto yours again. Namjoon's soft yet firm, trying to get a message across that he will not tolerate your little moments of doubt. "You think too less of yourself, sweetheart, but we'll make it better."

"Mmm. Trust us, okay?"

"Do you trust us?"

"I do."

"Good. Now close your eyes."

"Don't you have a meeting in-"

"Shh, baby, just focus on us."

Lips on your shoulder, lips to your temple, and lips that whispers words of "I love you's" over and over again to make you forget that any bad moments that has made your heart hurt are over for now. There will still be moments when you'll doubt yourself, feel insecure, think you aren't what they deserve.

But as they press kisses upon you with smiles and giggles that echoes from your throat, you know that you'll be just fine.

"We'll make it better."

They always do.

1K notes · View notes

bookstantrash · 4 years ago

Text

A/N: Here we are folks. The chapter y’all have been waiting for. I’m hoping it reaches your expectations because I was dying to write it.

Huge shoutout for the gc — specially @thewayshedreamed for her mind blowing theory, although I tried to make it less angst lol — for all their hype and ideais for this chapter 💜

In which she makes a friend, Part Eleven

Cassian woke up late. He was sure of that because of two factors:

One, the birds were chirping louder than when he usually woke up, the sun high in the sky given the sunlight entering the bedroom through the curtains.

And two, Nesta was fast asleep in his arms, her vanilla and lavender scent all around him.

He took his time watching her, as he did not know when he would have another opportunity.

Nesta looked younger like that, her face relaxed for once, mouth partially open as she slowly breathed. Their legs were intertwined, his free arm somehow having ended up in her hair, holding her close, as if during the night he had gotten afraid she would disappear.

Cassian had nightmares of that. Of waking up and finding her gone, snatched out of her bed once again in the middle of the night by his enemies and killed. He would wake up panting and reaching for a dagger he kept in his bedside table, his blood roaring at him to kill whoever had touched her, to find and protect Nesta.

It usually ended up with him pacing in front of her room for a few minutes, her steady heart beat easing his worries after a while. He would then return to his room and go over some reports from Rhysand and Azriel or look over some camp matters until the sun was rising.

Last night had to be the best night of sleep Cassian had had in the last two years. Maybe in all five hundred years of his life.

He signed, willing his thoughts to not go down that path. To not wonder too deeply about the reason why Nesta Archeron affected him like she did, since the first time he saw her at her father’s house when she was still human.

Willed them to not think how she seemed to fit so perfectly against his body, as if they had been made for each other.

To stop thinking how her bare skin would feel against his, her soft lips kissing his own.

To stop thinking of her running her hands over his body, pulling his hair.

The sounds she would make when he kissed her, properly this time, without death hovering above them.

If she was a screamer or a beggar or a talker and how it did not matter anyway because he would make sure to pleasure her until she was screaming his name, until she was begging him for more, until she was saying how good he felt and how none of those other males back in Velaris had given her a speck of what he was giving her.

How he would take care of her afterwards, how he would kiss her lazily and sweetly, and how he would not let her go for a long long time, satisfied to just stay holding her.

“That is nothing but a distant and impossible dream” he murmured, daring to gently run his fingers in her silky hair “I have to be grateful for what I have and do not desire for more.”

Cassian felt Nesta stirring in his arms, mentally cursing himself for waking her.

“Javy ju” she mumbled, her voice heavy with sleep, slowly blinking at him.

“Javy ju, anahí” he answered a little breathless, being hit straight in his stomach by the fact that she had remembered the Illyrian greeting.

Nesta was about to say something when Cassian felt her whole body froze, blue eyes widening as she looked at how close they were.

And that is when he felt it. His morning wood.

Cauldron that was embarrassing. If Nesta did not think lowly of him before — he knew all those times she had called him a pervert or a bastard had been nothing but empty words — now she surely did.

He quickly withdrew his wings, Nesta squinting at him momentarily due to the sudden brightness.

But before Cassian could get up and put more distance between themselves, hoping to save some face, Nesta placed a hand firmly on his shoulder, keeping him still.

And she smirked.

“Wound a bit tight these days? she said, throwing his words from yesterday back at him.

“You can not blame my body for reacting at you” he tried to sound as if he was teasing her, but his words came out softer and truer than he would like “Have you looked at yourself?”

“You mean my too thin and bony body?” she snorted, dismissing his words “You must be really desperate.”

If Nesta had said that to him months ago, he would have been inclined to agree with her statement — not that that would have stopped him from thinking her beautiful. His feelings towards the strong minded female were not purely physical attraction. It went beyond that.

“You can not be blind to not see how your body has changed since you started training and eating more regularly” he said “I still wish you would eat more, but you can not deny that you have gained muscles and some weight back”

“Are you calling me fat?” she asked, arching an eyebrow.

Cassian laughed at that. Nesta had a sense of humour that sometimes reminded him of Azriel.

“You fill your leathers much more now” he answered, the hand in her hair sliding along her arms “You have gained muscles here”

His hand travelled down her front slowly, making sure to avoid her breasts, although all he wanted was to finally know how they would feel beneath his touch.

“And here” he gently squeezed her waist.

“Cassian…”

“And here too” he added, fingers dancing along her leg where her nightgown had exposed some skin.

Nesta took a sharp intake of breath, her pupils dilatating

He was walking on thin ice, he knew that. His words at Nesta were nothing but desire and longing veiled by teasing he knew Nesta believed in.

Cassian had no one but himself to blame for that.

“So I am desirable because of my body?” her voice had a bitter tone, and Cassian quickly corrected her.

“You are desirable because of this, ” he touched her temple, moving then to lay his hand over her heart “and this”

“Lying will not get you anywhere bat” she turned her face and made to get up.

“I’m beyond lies right now, Nesta” he said, pulling her flush against him, gently grabbing her chin and tilting her face up.

Her gray-blue eyes seemed incredibly bright, looking straight at Cassian, as if she could see his very soul.

He did not hide from it. He met her stare head on, not daring even to blink.

“Why do you run from me?” his voice so low it was almost a whisper “Why do you hide yourself?”

“Why do you run from me?” and her voice carried so much hurt, so much feeling and rawness that Cassian knew she had let one of her iron walls fall “Why did you drop my hand that time? Why look for me only when I’m alone?”

Her words pierced his heart. He had not know. Had not known how much she was hurting, what she may have thought his actions appeared to be.

“Why do you bother so much when not even my own family cares for me?” she snapped, and for a split second Cassian thought Nesta was going to cry.

“Your sisters love you, Nesta” he said softly.

“I believe you made it abundantly clear last solstice I was unlovable”

“Your sisters love you. I can’t for the life of me understand why, but they do.”

He flinched, cursing himself for his past actions.

“I have never regretted something as much as the moment those words left my mouth. I was rude and insensible,” he brushed her cheek with his thumb tentatively “ and none of those things I said were true. I hope someday you will forgive me.”

“I said some rude things to you too,” she whispered “Would you be able to forgive me?”

“I never took them to heart” Cassian gave her a watery smile “I knew it was a way for you to push me away and that you did not mean them sweetheart”

A lonely silent tear fell from Nesta. Cassian gathered her closer, and she buried her face in his neck.

“Hush now xe nhia. Aan arevanque”

They stayed like that, with Cassian running his hands through her hair and talking with her in Illyrian. She hadn't cried more than that single tear, but she trembled slightly sometimes.

“Nes...I have been meaning to tell you something”

“What is it?” she asked, looking up at him, her eyes shining with unshed tears.

“You don’t have to answer me or say anything at all, I just—”

“Cassian, out with it” she said, anxiousness lacing her every word.

“Since I met you I—”

But whatever he was going to say was interrupted by the sound of dishes falling and a curse coming from the kitchen.

“Kaelin,” Nesta said sighing “I better go see what he is doing when he should have been resting”

Cassian agreed with her, and a part of him was glad they had been interrupted. He still had much to make up to Nesta, his feelings would have to wait a little longer.

“What were you going to tell me?”

“It was nothing” he gave her a reassuring smile “Go see Kaelin. I can tell you another time”

Nesta hesitated, but his kind eyes were enough to make her trust his words.

“Thank you” and with a quick kiss on his cheek she was gone.

Cassian was so stunned he had to pinch himself to make sure he had not fallen asleep again, staying in bed for a few minutes more until he could put himself together.

~•~

The clock’s ticking was the only sound in the room, neither Cassian or Kaelin talking.

Nesta had left after breakfast, saying Esmée had lifted her resting order to help the healer collect a rare flower that only blossomed every sixty years.

After reassuring her that he knew which medicine to give Kaelin in case the kid felt pain and that he would make sure he rested, Nesta left them promising to return as soon as possible.

Kaelin was a bit awkward around Cassian at first, probably embarrassed about crying in front of him. It bothered the General to the point that he lent his copy of ‘King Arthur and His Knights of the Round Table’ to the young illyrian.

“This book is very precious to me,” he had told Kaelin “as it was the first I managed to finish once I learnt how to read”

Kaelin had taken the old book with the utmost care, and Cassian almost laughed when he saw how slowly the boy was turning the pages, almost afraid of damaging it. And with his attention fully on the book, Cassian could work on Kaelin’s solstice present without fearing it would be seen.

Because Cassian was working on expanding the old storage room near the birch.

He was designing a room for Kaelin to sleep. If the kid was to live with him and Nesta definitely — or at least as long as he wanted to — Cassian could not let him keep on sleeping on the sofa.

He had been working in secret to refashion the space. Had worked until dawn on it two nights ago when he had rescued Kaelin from the bullies. Maybe two weeks more only and it would be ready on time for the Winter Solstice.

Thinking about the birch made Cassian realise how sore he was, both from the training, working on the bedroom and the time spent hunched over the piece of paper drawing the room. A trip to the birch would help relax, which gave him an idea.

“Hey kid,” he called, catching Kaelin’s attention “I don’t know if Nesta told you, but we have a birch here. How about we go? It would help relax you”

It was a tradition for male Illyrians to go birching — be it with family or friends — as a form of bonding.

And Cassian did want to get closer to Kaelin. He saw a lot of himself in the orphaned kid.

The young one, however, did not seem to find the ideia appealing at all.

“I— it would be an honour sir, I mean, Cassian, but I—” Kaelin blushed deeply while trying to politely refuse Cassian’s invitation, stammering and tripping over his words.

“You know what? Why don’t I go first and you get there after I’m done?” Cassian shrugged, seeing Kaelin sigh in relief.

It was a step too far it seemed. Maybe Kaelin was uncomfortable because they were not closer — although the objective was for them to get closer — maybe he is shy or maybe embarrassed because he is not as muscled as the other boys his age. Cauldron knew how much extra practice Cassian himself had done when he was younger, wanting to get as strong and muscled as Enalius, their warrior god.

He would have to work a little harder if he wanted to make Kaelin feel as comfortable with him as he was with Nesta. They were both males, so it should be easier for them to bond despite meeting the kid after Nesta.

“You can bond in other ways” he muttered to himself as he got dressed in his room, drying his hair.

It was then that he realised he had forgotten to leave Kaelin a second towel, in case his got too damp because of the heat in the birch.

Grabbing a towel he goes to the birch and opens it.

“Kaelin, I forgot to give—” he stops himself when he sees that Kaelin is naked, head thrown back against the wall, completely relaxed for once.

Yet all that easiness goes away once he hears Cassian’s voice.

“I’m sorry. Here’s your towel” stammering, he quickly leaves the white towel on the bench and closes the door, internally beating himself for forgetting to knock.

Kaelin had wanted to go alone and Cassian invaded the kid’s personal space and now he would hate him and—

Cassian stops in front of his room, thoughts finally catching up with his brain.

He remembers the ugly bruises along Kaelin’s ribs, their purple and green colour already fading to yellow and has to reboot his memory for a second.

He’s almost sure he saw boobs.

But boys don’t have boobs. He knows that.

And he could not possibly be confused because of the heat or the smoke inside the birch—

But he recalls how Nesta is so protective of Kaelin. How she almost seemed afraid for him to meet Azriel, how Kaelin had cried and said nobody could know he had activated his killing powers because they’d look too much into him.

And suddenly it clicked.

Kaelin was a girl.

~•~

Cassian was very close to having a mental breakdown.

Kaelin was a girl. A girl. As in boobs, periods and weird hormones.

And he had seen him — her, naked.

Cauldron, he was knee deep in shit.

After walking in on Kaelin, Cassian had been unable to leave his room. He was sure she would want some time alone to process what had happened and that he now knew her secret.

Because Kaelin was a girl.

“Gods, where is Nesta when I need her?” he grumbled, running his hands on his hair.

Nesta knew it all along and was helping Kaelin hide it. It was a noble thing to do, but also so reckless. If the wrong person discovered it they could be killed. He would not put it past the Illyrians to do that.

He had to talk with Kaelin. He had left her alone for long enough. If he did not talk with her now he would have to wait for when Nesta arrived, and that was a talk Kaelin did not have to be present.

It was a little past the time for lunch, so he had the perfect excuse to knock in Nesta’s bedroom and ask Kaelin to come out.

Except when he did that nobody answered.

Kaelin was not there.

“Fucking hell, not again” Cassian swore, quickly going out and getting airborne.

Kaelin was still hurt so she would not be able to fly. He had a chance to catch up with her given that she was walking.

And to his luck he found her not far from his cabin.

But she was not alone.

“Are you sure you are a boy? Look how skinny you are”

“I am a late bloomer” she answered an older Illryan, making him and the other one beside him laugh.

“Late bloomer? That is girl talk, ain’t I right Bjerke?”

“Take off your shirt, boy. Show us those muscles” the male, Bjerke, said.

“Thank you, but no. I have to go” Kaelin tried to go past them, but was held back by Bjerke.

“Here Falk, hold this thing while I help our friend”

As Cassian got closer, he realised Kaelin was holding his book, which was teared from her grasp by Bjerke, who started trying to undress her.

Blood roaring in his ears, Cassian dropped in front of them, his siphons flashing.

“Let. Go. Of. Him” he gritted out, and the males froze.

In front of them stood the General Commander of the Illyrian armies.

The Lord of Bloodshed.

And he was not happy.

“We were just talking to him” Falk said, his voice hinting at his fear.

“He said no” Cassian growled, seeing Kaelin’s clothes messed up.

All Cassian could see was Kaelin's scared face and remember when Nesta had hinted about being attacked when she was human.

He still wanted to know who that piece of shit was.

Would take his sweet time making him suffer for what he did.

“I think it’s best that you go” he snapped, and Bjerke let go of Kaelin, taking a step back “If I hear you were bothering someone else again — be it male or female — you will want to have never been born. Are we understood?”

Both males assured Cassian it would not happen again, and were airborne within minutes.

Kaelin straightened her clothes, grabbing the fallen book and dusting off its cover.

She still refused to look at Cassian.

“What am I going to do with you kid?” he sighed “Nesta will kill me once she discovers I let you out of my sight.”

That caught the young girl’s attention. She finally glanced his way, searching Cassian’s face for something, anything that would give away that he was angry with her or that he was going to expose her secret to someone.

She found nothing.

“I… I am sorry I lost lunch” she mumbled.

“Good thing I have not eaten yet” giving her a reassuring smile, he ruffled her short hair “Let’s go home and eat before Nesta arrives and kill us both.”

“Yeah. Let’s go home” Kaelin answered, and it seemed a weight had been lifted off her shoulders.

•

Tags: @sayosdreams @thewayshedreamed @sjm-things @perseusannabeth @arinbelle @caotica-e-quieta @vidalinav @swankii-art-teacher @ireallyshouldsleeprn @duskandstarlight @greerlunna @thegoddessaltenia @dayanna-hatter @verypaleninja @awesomelena555 @courtofjurdan @valkyriewarriors @moe8 @illyrianwitchling13 @silvernesta @bri-loves-sunflowers @queenestarcheron @imwritingthesewords @vasudharaghavan @rainbowcheetah512 @darkshadowqueensrule @letstakethedawn @starlightorstarfire @city-of-fae @thalia-2-rose @nestaarcher0n @rowaelinismyotp @julemmaes @dontgetsalmonella @alinaleksanders @lysandra-tiara9 @inardour @hikari274 @fatimafares123 @angelina-figjam

#nessian #nesta x cassian #nesta archeron #cassian #sarah j maas #sjmaas #sjm books #sjm fanfic

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pseudofaux · 4 years ago

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I hope I'm not too late 🥺 I'm on mobile and cant see times!!!! If I am too late please ignore BUT IF NOT...............I would die for some soft, wonderful reassurance sex HCs for ikesen Mitsuhide, slbp Ieyasu(of course!!!), and ikevamp Jean? Sometimes it's hard to accept you're loved. I hope you and yours are well, and happy birthday 💕🍰

You were not too late, you were well within time! 💕💕💕 And I’m so glad because this ask is beautiful. 😩😭💕 It can be really hard to accept that fact (even when it’s a fact!), so here’s how I think IkeSen Mitsuhide, SLBP Ieyasu, and IkeVamp Jean would do their best to make the thought stick in your head and your heart. Mitsuhide is a flow-y short drabble (I really loved the idea and didn’t want to cut ANY of it), Ieyasu is bullet points, Jean is a few short descriptive paragraphs. They are all soft but going under a cut where they belong. I hope you will enjoy them!

In your room one evening, you are dressed for sleep and Mitsuhide is not, since he just arrived. He’s frowning at you. But the touch of his hands (one on your cheek, one on your waist) is very soft. What tiny matters upset a mouse so badly, hmm? When you shake your head and move away, he lets you move but he moves with you, staying right in your space, not letting the two of you become disconnected in the room. If you want to be chased, you must remember I am very fast and do not play fair, he tells you gently. Tell me what is wrong. Not a request. He lets the silence between you stretch until it forces ugly fears out of your mouth in a spill, terrible and messy. Your tears follow the words. He tries to give you time to finish but in the end can’t stand to let you cry alone, so he takes you in his arms and tucks your head under his chin. Firmly. Then he sighs. Until you are empty, he says evenly, I will hold you. So for now, focus only on emptying your body of tears. I do not care about these clothes very much. That really starts you sobbing, that he would give you such sideways permission to ruin his fine kimono. He does exactly as he said he would: holds you until you seem to have no more tears left to make. Then he takes your hand and puts his arm around your back to guide you to your futon. Only somewhat kindly-- he’s frowning again-- he says, Lay down and listen well, little mouse, and he holds your hand to help you kneel and settle yourself on the softness. Empty? he asks. You nod, pitifully, not sure if you should hope he will stay or if you should hope he will leave you so you can go to sleep. You’re so wrung out from al these emotions. Good. He straddles your so quickly that for a moment you are more startled than sad. His hands are at the flat knot of your sleeping robe, and it makes you want to cry all over again. You don’t want to be pitied, you want to be worth. But he is very fast, and he does not play fair. Already your robe is open, already he has moved his hands to his own, sodden-shouldered, daytime clothes. If you had made this for me I would not have let you ruin it, he says lightly, shrugging the white cloth off his shoulders. Now. Do you know what a man does for a woman he loves? You have to shake your head, he’s asked something you can’t answer with any confidence. His mouth becomes a flat line, but he comes down to you and kisses your forehead as soft and sweet as a breeze. How can he do both things with the same mouth? He moves his legs to be inside yours-- you can’t see it, but you can feel him, and feel the slip of his kimono falling onto your legs. Mitsuhide hushes your choked whisper of his name and says When the woman he loves is empty, he fills her. And he does.

Ieyasu can, not very deeply down at all, understand why you might think this. And he resents the hell out of you for not seeing through him, but he resents himself more. Now he has to fix this.

C’mere, he says, slapping the bedding next to him. Right here. Now.

You pause but shuffle over and he tries not to sigh in relief. Take... you don’t need that, he gestures at your sleeping robe. Get rid of it.

Another night you might have tried to be modest, but your heart is so lonely and tired you don’t have the fight in you. So you just untie the robe and drop it without ceremony, put your head down, and prepare for him to berate you. You have to wonder what invective he’ll unleash, because he’s never actually had anything bad to say about your body before, only your cooking and your mood and your...

He mumbles something you can’t understand, so you look up out of habit to try to read his lips.

I don’t see anything I don’t like, he says, trying to invite your understanding with his eyes instead of glaring at you (he can tell it is not working).

Oh, hell, just come here, he says, yanking you down by the wrist until you’re all knees around his lap and at least as confused as you are sad. He sucks his teeth and then goes for it, grabbing your cheeks with his books-and-medicine scented hands and pressing his mouth to yours.

Hard, several times. Then softer, winding down.

I don’t hate you, he whispers. When you are this close and no one who is a danger to you can hear it, that’s when he can say it.

So he keeps you as close as he can, and the best way he can think of to do that is to get you safely between his bedding and his body.

His brows are down so severely he looks like he’s pouting, and while you don’t think anyone saying “I don’t hate you,” even in a whisper, is the same as being told “I love you,” you do think he means it.

For someone who literally yanked your body to his, he’s tender the rest of the night-- his eyes are hot whenever they meet yours from his space between your legs, and his tongue is so much softer than sharp as he works you over.

Still, you cry out Why? as he breaks you, and your mind is so mixed up for a moment you think you are imagining the slippery, tangy kiss he gives you. But you are not.

Why not? he says against your mouth. He’s close again, he can be honest. This is what people do when they are in love. And I... hells, woman. Read the room.

There’s a franticness to his tone that stirs your pity (and perhaps your sense), and you ask in a small voice if you can touch his hair.

Why aren’t you doing it already, he grumbles. And that exchange is so normal it is like a powerful arrow, shot right through the stormcloud that has moved over your heart. It lets it a golden beam of sun, warm and known and nourishing. The comfort of undeniable love, even if unexpressed.

He mumbles something you can’t hear as he puts his own fingers in your hair and presses his forehead to yours. But you know what it is.

Jean knows what it is to feel unloved, so he’s horrified when he finds you and you tell him your fear. He also can’t understand why you have the fear-- to him the two of you are so very close and in tune with one another, you don’t always understand each other but this is a very significant truth to misunderstand. He wants to fix it but he grapples with his own heartbreak that what he thought were clear declarations of his love for you (and devotion to you!) somehow fell short. Still, he kisses your hand and declares again. “I do love you. Only you. I will find a way to make this unmistakable.”

But he is not sure how to avoid further mistake. So he asks the great lovers of history who conveniently live with you both. He receives some strange advice, some terrible. He takes the gently-given suggestion that he should go out of town with you, try in a new setting with a very comfortable bed.

“Is there any mistake?” he asks above you in that bed. Your weekend away has restored you, brought you closer. You think of his hand brushing yours, once, twice, then sliding his fingers along and between, into the places where he fits so well. As soon as you begin to shake your head, his mouth is on yours and he is sighing in obvious relief. “Just to be sure,” he says between kisses, “I am going to tell you a hundred times tonight.” When you tell him you probably will not keep count, he promises that he will. and he does, even as he touches you with so much purpose a mathematician in his place would surely have lost count and had to begin again. Jean can’t begin again because he won’t stop-- his body serves yours, covers yours, loves yours the entire night. He goes over the mark by a few, loving you. He does not mind, and by the time he is done you are asleep and your mouth is curved in the peaceful contentment he knows is love, because he recognizes it from his own face in the mirror since he fell in love with you. He will tell you that when you wake up.

#ikesen mitsuhide #slbp ieyasu #ikevamp jean #ikesen headcanon #slbp headcanons #ikevamp headcanons #moonlit--river #pseu posts instead of saving: extreme dope edition #pseu slings

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inanabsentia · 4 years ago

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Just Shigaraki thingz®️

This was kinda hard to write,, I genuinely immersed myself into his character and contemplated what the guy would probably do ✨

Playing and keeping up with the latest games to distract himself from wallowing in self deprecation and his hatred for heroism,, he still hates hero society with a passion and we all know why but geez, he just wants a break from it all by playing games. Plus he pretends that he’s fighting against heroes in the game and eventually defeats the ultimate boss (whom he pretends is All Might)

Definitely stays up late, browsing through the Internet Gosh, he definitely uses Reddit and gets on a page dedicated to pinpointing the flaws of heroes in society and reads through them. Though he won’t admit it, it gives him a certain sense of relief and reassurance that there are people in society who recognises the flaws of heroism and sees his way. Plus he just prefers reddit more because of how explicit and honest people are, what? He doesn’t sugarcoat his hatred towards heroism so he definitely doesn’t want other people to do it

The first time he reads the other redditor’s opinions on the flaws of heroism, he becomes intrigued but that intrigue turns to anger as he relates it back to his childhood days. It’s been years yet nothing has changed? Society is doomed after all and it reminds him of his destined purpose here on Earth

Sometimes when he’s feelin’ like it, he lounges at the bar all by himself (plus points if none of the other league members are there,, he prefers solitude during these moments) nursing a drink made by Kurogiri and either contemplated on his next plan or just stay there and immerse himself in the peaceful silence. There wasn’t his abusive father who crushed his hopes and dreams, his mother who cared for him yet couldn’t stop his father from his abusive tendencies, his sister who lied even while filling him with hope, his grandparents who loved him dearly but not enough to change the way things were.

Sometimes he finds it pretty ironic that he, someone who originally had the aspiration and dream to become a hero, had been shunned, turned away, abandoned, unloved and was created to be the villain AFO imagined him to be. He wasn’t a villain Born into pure villainy, he was raised to it and that makes him all the more bitter.

He stones a lot, a bit too much but before meeting the rest of the league members, he’s pretty much lonely all the time (asides from having Kurogiri tend to his needs), AFO rarely came to check up on him as he used to back when he was younger (where was he now?). As cynical and untrusting Shiggy is, he longed to still have a human connection, someone he could turn to and relate to his problems and aspirations to wreck hero society. He wanted to reimburse AFO, the figure who had practically raised him and made him who he was today, and show him that he can make the league that he dreamt of, where they’d crush hero society together

Though Shigaraki is aware that he used to be from an abusive and unloving household, he doesn’t want to mull over it for too Long despite how often he does it,, he thinks about it and moves on pretty quickly. Sure he’s got sessions where he just thinks and thinks and thinks about it but as quickly as he is to relate to his childhood, he’s also rather quick to just brush it aside and move on with other tasks

I’m definitely sure the guy’s soft, he just doesn’t outwardly express or show his soft side. He definitely cares! Just that when he’s got the task of bringing hero society down into shackles, it’s not so often he’s got moments to be soft, okay? Besides, other than AFO the man who practically raised him and gave him a purpose, who could he be soft too? Kurogiri was just someone he respected, but he didn’t feel necessarily indebted to him either

Some nights he’d have night terrors of his abusive household, recollections of how hero society has failed to save a child who only needed one, just one person to help him.

On other nights, he’d have dreams of taking over hero society and emerging as the next ruler of the world. He wakes up from the dream in a daze and just thinks to himself

‘Yeah, maybe. This could work,’ he smiles to himself despite all the past events that have culminated to this very moment and moves on with his purpose in life

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watchinglikeafangirl · 4 years ago

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Lovely Writer Episode 5

Since it was too late yesterday to write down my thoughts completely and I just ended up writing a small post, I'm going to write it all down right now.

And I have stuff to say, guys. So much happened yesterday in Lovely Writer. But the first question is: Is it "Aey", "Aoey" or "Aeoy" (I'm so confused)? Because they suddenly changed their way of calling him and there's an 'o' out of the blue. Why did they change his name after four episodes?

Nevermind. It was just something I asked myself the whole episode but I guess, no one really knows the answer.

Anyway, here are my first impressions and thoughts in general about Lovely Writer Episode 5:

Gene's negative flaw

Gene is the protagonist here but he is not the kind of protagonist you automatically like and especially not every part of him. He is cute and when he's with Nubsib, we only see that part of him because Nubsib finds him cute and adorable. Nubsib even calls him cute more than once. After episode 3, I said, they are pretending but I would change my statement into something like "they are just not showing every part of themselves" because pretending is something else. Preteneding is covering your true identity and it's different from not telling everything about you. I don't think Nubsib pretends. He just hides some stuff about himself when he's with Gene and vise versa. But at the set, we can see Gene is jealous. He is posessive over someone who isn't even his. It is not necessarily a red flag because he allows Nubsib to live his own life ("Go with him if you want to"). But he doesn't like the idea and the sight of Nubsib with someone else. He even leaves the set because of it. It's pretty clear he gets jealous and this jealousy gets adressed later on when he waits for Nubsib to come home but is too pissed to talk to him. Nubsib has to ask him and only then Gene admits it. Like I said, not necessarily a red flag or big problem because at least they talk about it and Nubsib reasures him but it can become a conflict later on. At least, when they are together.

promotion of BLs

Lovely Writer shows the behind the scenes of a typical low-budget BL and I believe it captures the BL industry quite well, although I'm not an expert. I can only judge from what I see on the outside. But with some shows, I've always had the feeling that things are not running smoothly and Lovely Writer just confirms that feeling. This show is very uncomfortable sometimes.

When I first started watching BLs last year, I was very overwhelmed and surprised by all these ships ot there. I was used to the marketing strategies of Marvel or Hollywood in general and European films. The asian way of marketing and promoting a show is different. It focuses more on the actors and their chemistry, not completely on the story in the show or movie. Or at least, I have the feeling it's different. Of course, different is not bad, just unusual.

I am still surprised of how much the promotion focuses on the actors, especially when it comes to BLs. People ship the actors because their lives and the roles they play get mixed up and fans see chemistry because they've seen the show. I feel like there is a blurry line between actor and character which leads to an immense personality cult. I know, it's because of the contracts and I believe they're the real problem because if you don't portray the actors as such and create a ship, their privacy and personal space gets invaded very quickly and in an inhuman way which easily leads to drama. Things will turn ugly at some point and that's not nice for the actors at all.

Lovely Writer criticizes this. Gene goes on Twittee an there is a hashtag full of weird fanservice and it leads to personal drama because he gets jealous. I don't think it's a rare problem. Because kissing someone as your work, because you are an actor, is fine, if you've talked about it honestly but fanservice is something different because it's happening in your real life and there is no line between your work and life. I think you know what I mean. So, Nubsib has to reasure Gene of his feelings and sees it as work but I get why Gene has a problem and I think it's sad that BL actors have to sacrifice their privacy so much because the industry builds this cult around them. This scene hurt me a bit, I have to say. And it will surely remain a problem between these two.

Also, invasive fans... Some fans tend to see you as a sort of object they can look at and touch all the time. Here, these two girls take pictures of Gene and he is aware of it but just doesn't know what to do to stop them without confronting them which is the only thing he can and should do. He thinks it will be over quickly but it won't. If you've once allowed your fans to do this, they won't stop, And we know, Gene slowly gets a fanbase. But he has to make sure they get that he is a human being and not an artifact in a museum. Luckily, Nubsib steps up saves him.

Criticism of NC scenes

This episode starts with the filming of the first kiss in Bad Engineer and I want to say something about it. This scene is very intense but just so uncomfortable and disgusting. What happens on screen is uncomfortable. What happens behind the screen is digusting. And Gene's reaction is really intense. I love Nubsib saying that it's nearly rape. I was like 'thank you'. Really guys, who thinks this is romantic? A first kiss when one of them is unable to move and fights the other one physically and verbally. It's not dominant in a sexy way. It's just creepy and taking advantage. There is no consent. And Nubsib being the king of consent thankfully says something but sadly he acts it out eventually because the director tells him to.

This kissing scene is the worst kissing scene I have ever seen. The setting isn't good and their kiss is weird. I know, it's supposed to be bad but their kiss looks so unpassionate lmao.

But the director is the worst part of it. His answer to Nubsib saying it feels like rape is the question "Don't you understand soap opera vibes?"

...

Of course, it's supposed to be disgusting but that sentence hit me because I got scared how many directors like that are out there. And I also feel sorry for Gene. He wrote that novel and put effort into it. Even though the story is not very exciting or different, he put his writing skills and creativity in this project. And now they ruin that art and smash it on the ground. I myself draw and write, so I kind of relate to him and it hurts watching. Gene only wants to write but it gets turned into something unadmirable and fussy. Now it's more like a rapey fanfiction someone wrote while sitting alone in the dark and reminiced about their weirdest sex dream. Let me tell you, some fantasies should stay as such because this is passionless and disgusting.

Aey and Gene

(I'm gonna stick to writing his name as "Aey" because I'm confused which spelling is the right one.) I think Aey knows Gene likes Nubsib because he always talks to him about that matter. And maybe he likes his novel but still, Aey is very manipulative. He asks for Gene's help. He aks Nubsib out in front of Gene and says "Gene is busy anyways" when Nubsib is not sure. He then reminds Nubsib of their "date" when Gene is there again. Clearly, he wants to show off. Or he's just weird. But in this show, no one is just weird. It will get clearer when the story goes on.

Aey

Talking about Aey, I have to say, I cried last night. Even though I don't like him, I feel sympathy for him. His family is so broken which affects him a lot. I feel sorry for him because he pulled himself together and faced his family again just to storm out crying. It's a nightmare. All those accusations thrown at him, but also the ones he threw, hit deep. There is a big tension escalating and he has very much pain inside. He clearly has a trauma and I hope we'll get to know more about him because his ex was mentioned and something very bad must've happened. Yeah, Aey is a very troubled kid. He is lonely, sad and lost and reminds me of Fiat in TharnType because he too runs after a guy who only showed slight interest in him. The feeling of being unloved and unloveable leads him fantisizing about the one who seems to be perfect in his eyes. And it will all crash down for him.

But who is Mhok? Were they best friends? Were they lovers? Is that their first kiss? It doesn't feel like a first kiss to me but I could be wrong...

What Lovely Writer does right

This show's promotion is exactly like I wanted it to be. No personality cult. That's a very important point for me because they are humans too and I believe it's disgusting to shed flashligh on actors so much. They are not a big ship, I guess. At least, none that I've heard of. They do some Q&A videos or behind the scenes stuff but not openly toxic behavior and discussions about private matters. They don't pretend to be in love for the fanservice and are pretty much looking like they are just doing their job.

This show is definetlely different and I love that part very much about it. So, I will defineltely keep watching and keep my hopes up.

#lovely writer #nubisb #gene #gene x nubsib #i am so entertained by this show #but every week i just lie there staring onto the dark #and think about it all for a few minutes

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testicularmanslaughtrr · 3 years ago

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I kind of just want to...babble so pardon me I don’t really want to *talk* ironically given the subject matter I just want to confess myself and here seems like a good place for it so forgive me

Dunno why I’m apologzing, I know it’s my tumblr just a force of habit

My emotions have been so strange lately. It was weird having to tell my new...prescriber... counselor person that it’s hard to officially say my “mood” because I’m never in one constant state. One second I’m as close to fine as I can actively describe The next I am a sobbing panicking mess on the floor And another 5 seconds later I either feel nothing or I am laughing and having a good time. It’s a whirlwind and it’s confusing and honestly it has been making me very self conscious.

I suppose that goes hand in hand with many of my other fears and laments.

Lately I have felt very lonely. A feeling I haven’t deemed...allowed since I have somewhat isolated myself. The fear of being seen as a hypocrite is very real. I don’t want to be in a groupchat right now, not even one I created because it just made that lonely and unwanted feeling all the more unbearable. There’s no worse feeling than being miserable at a party, and that was the vibe. Surrounded by people I do ultimately like but Either my brain says it’s not the right interaction and or I just Want to leave the party. There’s other reasons sure, but I don’t want to think about that.

There’s this pit, this desire for interaction that I can’t fulfill and it’s troubling. I want to talk about my problems, I’ve been openly criticized about opening up but...Professional help so limited and among those I care about I don’t feel I have a place for that. I’m an overwhelming presence. I know this about myself, as much as people may try and soothe those anxieties I know I am. I have many many deep rooted issues I need to sort out, I am drowned nearly every day in my misery and my paranoia. None of these are easy to deal with Even less so to help carry. All those I trust with my more fragile tendencies are also those who suffer greatly. People I’ve promised I wouldn’t overburden with my struggles, people who I don’t *want* to constantly have to lean on People who have already told me they can’t handle my weight I don’t blame any of them for this, I blame myself mainly. No one should have to suffer my pain with me. Say what you want about “support groups” but How am I supposed to not feel guilty when I share my pain and have to see the tired look on someone’s face or hear their awkward silence when they don’t know how to respond? “I have a support system that helps take care of me. you should try it sometime.” Lately those words have been burned into my brain and I can’t unsee them and it’s torture As if that is really a luxury I have. I have never truly felt like I have had people able to take care of me. Possibly cruel to say but who in their right mind is equipped to take care of a mess like this? Such a volatile and...just truly stupid creature? I know I know, you shouldn’t say awful things about yourself it just solidifies it etc but Many honestly agree with me I’m not smart, I’m not wise, I’m... A Lot And i hate being a lot. I hate being this. I hate being unbalanced and stupid and impulsive Yet scared and panicked so often. I’m terrified I want to die I’m so afraid people are going to leave me I want to convince everyone to cut their losses and live their lives without me I’m so desperate lately from scraps of affection from certain people And at the same time I want to convince them why I’m unlovable and why I am not worth their time The duality of mental illness I suppose ha Last night was...so hard.

All of the last 24 hours has been so hard. My partner collapsed again, second technically third time in about 3 years? He acts like it was nothing, I shouldn’t worry I still sobbed hysterically and was terrified all night about losing him. My mind flooded with visions of his funeral What I would have to do without him Practically seething at him that he wasn’t worried Because to him he just blacked out and then was back It’s fine right?? He feels fine afterwards! I sobbingly wailed at him that he doesnt have to see his eyes go strange, the color and life leave his face, to see his body slump so heavily as he *stops breathing* He doesn’t understand when he comes to why I am prying his mouth open desperate to get air in him, why I’m sobbing and clinging at him to not leave me. He’s okay, he assures me We need to schedule him a doctor’s appointment Which falls on me to do the work, the research, the calls It always falls on me Appointments, cleaning, laundry, cooking, shopping etc etc etc It falls on me, the household burdens and I feel my back shudder The weight wanting to snap my spine and crush me beneath it I’m so fucking tired I’m so tired of being scared and angry and sad I either want to cry every second or I can’t make myself feel anything I know a lot of this is a chemical imbalance...but environmental factors certainly play a crucial role.

On top of that And realizing my best friend has moved which I am happ for my brain just hates being happy My father also once again drunk texted me thus leading me down the rabbit hole of both resenting my parents and feeling the shame of being an awful son. We’re really just a family of awful people. Ha It’s genetic I’m so tired I want to be happy, but also I don’t think I do? At the very least I’m not allowed. I’m afraid to be happy. I know what I want but I’m in no place to seek any of it. Fuck ups don’t have any room to ask for happiness. I have many things to say. To spit. But I must keep everything neatly folded. On top of that the fear of being happy and then ruining it Shattering it Very very real. At least at rock bottom I feel like it can’t get worse If things get good, I’m terrified. I will still strive to be better, keep pushing forward But gods I am so afraid of the future.

My this is Very long and unfocused If you did read this I am so sorry But thank you for letting me vent Something about a public diary is comforting Anyways I have a sandwich I have been neglecting to spew all of this

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harryskalechips · 5 years ago

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Too bad I’m attracted to you Part 2

A/n Hello I am back with this fat update. You know reading part 1 made me feel a bit bummy, I thougt it was poorly written. I hope this one isn’t as shitty. Anyways, enjoy today’s post has smut, fluff and a lot of angst hahaha

Part 1

Word count: 7336

2 years later.

Winter

“Large Iced Caramel coffee for Adeline!” The barista yells out in the busy coffee shop. I make my way through the busy crowd to pick up my order.

“Thank you.” I smile sweetly as I head straight out the door. Today was a busy day, I had just finished my 2nd lecture and I knew I had to make my way home now to study or else I’m going to fall back down in a rabbit hole of binge-watching my favourite show on Netflix.

I gather my phone and coffee in one hand as I rummage through my purse to find my keys to the apartment I lived in. I wouldn’t say I came from a rich family but my parents were hard workers who had very comfortable positions in their careers that they were able to get me an apartment near campus. The only con about this place? It was a constant reminder of the man who changed me.

He wasn’t able to help me move in here but he sure was with me when I first visited this empty place. He inspired me and helped me picture how this place would come alive. He left small details of himself everywhere in my life that it was hard to not notice them.

“Do you need a hand?” The soft brunette smiled at me as she watched me try to open the main door. I was guessing she was a visitor since she didn’t have a set of her own keys. I nod my head silently as she lets out a small laugh. She takes her hand out as I pass her my coffee and try to slip my phone in the backside of my jeans. I swiftly find my keys and open the door for us.

“Thank you!” I give her an embarrassed expression as she hands me back my coffee. “I’m sorry, I’ve opened the door many times this way I guess today was just not my luck.” She laughs and takes her purple beanie off and shoves it in her trench coat.

“It’s alright, my financé thinks he can multitask all the time too yet he’s only lucky once in a while.” I laugh at her comment out of politeness. Just as she mentioned her engagement, I noticed the simple diamond resting on her finger.

“So do you live here?” I ask to kill the awkward silence as we walk into the elevators.

“No, I’m actually just here to visit my friend.” I nod my head silently, waiting for the digits on the wall to reach 11.

“This is my floor, I got to go. It was nice meeting you though!” I wave at her as I walk out. She probably thought I was a teenager living with my parents considering how I was dressed. I had my own beanie on, with the maple leafs logo on the front. I had my dyed blonde hair in braids as I carried my thick tote with my laptop inside. I also forgot to mention how I was wearing my doc martens and my teddy coat. Yes, I definitely still dressed like a basic white girl.

Some days I feel lonely in the apartment when it’s late at night and I’m studying or if I want to watch a movie before bed. I try to talk to my friends as much as I can. My best friend from high school Mya was still my best friend but it’s hard to keep in contact with her when she’s at another university living her best life. I talk to Rachel and Sam but they’re both in and out of their houses and I only really get to catch up with them if we were in class or if we were studying together. It’s not like I’ve always been the type to be a social butterfly, I always preferred a tiny circle of company than a big one. Things did start to change however after I decided to cut the attachment I had with the man I once knew. I tried to numb the pain and isolation by going to parties. I tried hooking up with guys and I did but I know full well now that I regret it…. I regret everything.

Sometimes I wished I never asked the man for help, to be mentored. Maybe, I wouldn’t feel so fucked up as I am today.

After my relationship with him ended, I felt undesired as if I was unlovable. My parents didn’t notice a thing but my sister, Marla did. Coming home from his place that night made me scrub my skin in the shower until it was fiery red, until my body and my mind screamed at my heart to stop. I began to wonder about my last moments as a senior in high school.

Did I feel violated? No.

Did I feel regretful? Yes… no… I don’t know

Did I feel used? Yes. Definitely yes.

I know you can’t force one to love you the way you love them but that night when he told me he didn’t expect us to be together as I entered University, I knew I had to leave. Why? As a young naive teenager, I believed he was the one man in my life who would ever make me feel this way. Yet, all he did was fail me and show me that our relationship wasn’t worth jack shit. Funny thing was I had no clue that the girl I met in the foyer was going to link me back to him.

“Hi! Excuse me, I don’t know if you remember me?” The voice of a familiar girl calls out my attention as I enter the building. I stomp the snow off my boots to look at the girl. She was standing in front of the couches with the pretty abstract paintings on the wall. I walk over to her and smile as I take my left airpod out and put it back in its case.

“Yeah, I do what’s up?” She had an anxious look on her face. Should I keep talking to this girl or was it kind of suspicious how very approaching she was to others? She seems really nice though.

“I’m sorry to bother you but is there any way you can sit with me until my fiancé arrives to come and pick me up?” I give her a confused face. “Here sit down I’ll explain.” I take my tote off my shoulder and sit beside her.

The unnamed girl today was wearing a sleek leather jacket while I sat next to her in just my tights and my parka. “My name is Valerie by the way.”

“Adeline,” I reply back shortly.

“My fiancé has been calling me for hours and I thought I left my phone at my house so I never bothered to check my bag to see it in there. I stayed here at my friend’s place and my fiancé found out. Let’s just say he’s angry because he knows my friend here isn’t a good friend at most times to me.” As she continued to ramble on, I was so confused as to why this girl was in such a messy position. “Is there any way you can pretend to be my friend? I promise I have good intentions, I just don’t want my fiancé to know I was here with Kacey. That’s the friend I’m talking about.”

“Um, sure?” Her fiancé was mad about her hanging out with her friend? Seems like a bad fish that needs to be let back into the sea, in my opinion.

A familiar range rover pops in front of the glass doors at the same time I look up. I notice the unfamiliar guy barely parking his car as he tries to catch the door of the person who unlocked it to get in. He had a beanie on and the hood of his jacket was on, I couldn’t see what he looked like.

“Valerie.” The familiar voice called out, my ears perking up to the sound, knowing how I once was so in love with him. I used to remember the way he spoke and the way he sounded. I listened to it all year long.

He seemed angry as he marched his way in determination towards us. What the fuck did I get myself into? I keep my gaze on the floor as I watch Valerie in my peripheral view stand up to go hug him.

“I’m sorry honey, My friend Adeline and I went on a walk around the area, I left my phone in her apartment.” With that, I look up to see him as I catch him already looking at me.

It’s been two years and he looks so different. He seemed more broader now and he was growing a little scruff. He looked older yet he seemed to carry that aura that I once found security in. His arm was wrapped around Valerie as his other one just laid against the side of his body. I try to mask my face as I stand up to walk towards him. I give a fake smile and glance at Valerie… his fiancée

“It’s nice to meet you. I’m Adeline.” He gulps and nods at me.

“I’m Harry.” He pauses and glances at Valerie. “How did you two meet?” I stand there, dumbfounded. Little did he know I was covering for his finacée.

“Adeline and I met down at the coffee shop a block from here!” Valerie interjects and moves her weight onto Harry. “Anyways, Adeline it was nice spending time with you and getting to know more about your brother in the military. I think Harry and I should get going though.” The humour in all of this was both Harry and I knew I didn’t have a brother. Just a sister.

Yeah Valerie, good luck digging yourself out of this one.

I nod my head silently and watch as they both walk out. He opened the door for her, the same like he used to do for me. I noticed how fidgety he became as if the anger he felt for Valerie was no longer important. I’m pretty sure he’ll deal with her lying another time. As he makes his way around the car, he glances once more time at me to see if I was still there. I was. He started the car and drove off in a flash leaving me alone with my heart beating so fast

In my apartment now rushing in without a care in the world, I toss my bag onto the floor and rummage through the drawer of my nightstand looking for my inhaler. Fuck, where was it! Freshman year of university was tough for me. I was going through a heartbreak, the anxiety of exams were weighing on me, and I couldn’t get myself to trust people after a long time. This time, I saw him again. What did I expect? I mean I live near him too. I’m just surprised that I never caught him in the local grocery store or something. Now? He’s engaged. My first love is engaged. He found someone to love and it wasn’t me!

As I continue to toss things out onto my bed, I find my inhaler in the depths of the drawer, I pull it out and without another second, I press the button letting the air blow into me. I sit on my bum and rests my back on the side of the bed, taking in deep breaths as I unzip my jacket. Why am I broken?

…

My buzzer wakes me up as I try to snuggle more into my white sheets. I wasn’t expecting anyone who could it be? Still dressed in my tights and a loose tee, I get up and press on the mic of the electronic pad.

“Hello?” I can’t help but yawn.

“It’s um Harry.” I pause for a moment to think. What is he doing here? We haven’t talked in 2 years but how does he remember which apartment I was in? Why is he here tonight?

“Yeah, What can I do for you?” my voice turned more cold.

“Can I come up and uh talk to you?”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” I rest my forehead on my wall.

“I have to talk to you.”

“You had 2 years to do that.” One part of me knew he wasn’t going to come up here but another part of me was begging to see him, that maybe I can get closure and move on with my life. He is engaged after all, it’s not like he’s here to seduce me.

“Adeline, please.” The softness in his voice made my mind go crazy. I remember the days when he used to use that tone with me all the time. How special I felt knowing none of my classmates knew that behind the teacher who gave us endless papers to write, there was a real softie, a real hopeless romantic.

“Alright, come up.” Without another moment, I cleaned up my tiny place as fast as I could. It was easy since I was pretty neat but tonight will be his first impression of me after 2 years. After fluffing my living room pillows, I sprint into my room to toss on a UFT sweater and brush my hair as I let it down from the messy bun it’s been in all day. The expected knocks scare me as I set my brush down and make my way to the front door. Glancing at the clock, I noticed it was just about 9 pm.

“Hey.” I smile softly as I open the door wider to let him in. Don’t show him how fucked up you are. My brain screams at me as I get a whiff of his cologne. It’s been two years and you don’t care about what happened! I try to chant to myself as I observe him looking around my apartment.

“Wow, your place is just what I’d expect it to be.” He unzips his jacket and rests on the futon beside my door.

“Yeah, would you like some tea? You can just sit on the couches.”

“Alright, thank you.” I move quickly into the kitchen making his tea, trying to ignore the feelings I have after making eye contact with him once again.

As I walked back into the living room, I noticed he was sitting while holding a frame of me with Rachel and Sam during orientation day. I place the tea on the coffee table in front of him and sit beside him, making sure to keep my distance.

“So orientation camp huh?” He smiles still looking at the picture.

“Yeah.” I smile as I look at it too. That smile was real, it was one of the first moments in my life where I didn’t care about what happened at the end of high school graduation. He sets the picture and mumbles a thank you while taking the blue clay mug and taking a sip of it.

“Still remember how I like it.” He compliments and sets the mug back down. “Did someone make this for you?” I glanced at the detail he was looking closely at. It had a handwritten sentence on it. The days have always been dark in our favour but I would change that for you.

“Yeah, my friend Chase did.” It was a gift he made me after I decided to cool down our friends with benefits status. He was willing to give me more but I wasn’t ready. I’m still not.

“He seems like a poet.'' The man bites his inner cheek and clenches his jaw, not too noticeable but I caught on.

“He has a way with words.” Not like you though, my mind had thought as I went through a mini flashback of listening to his love letter for me the first time.

It was summer and just as the days grew longer so did my time with Harry. Lying to my parents I was going to sleep over at Mya’s but instead I was at my teacher’s house. He seemed to be too focused on a letter he was writing while I laid on his couch playing a stupid game on my phone. His soft voice called me to get my attention.

“Baby,” He looks up to see me sprawled in my short shorts and a tank top. “I wrote a letter and I was wondering if you can tell me if it sounds good.”

“Who’s it for?” I sit up and toss my phone onto the couch as I make my way to sit in his lap.

“For you.” He holds onto me lovingly as he starts to read the letter. I close my eyes and rest my head on top of his, trying to remember this night.

“I’m sure you do too.” The man interrupts my thought as he looks at me. “How’s the university life, you’re in the second year right?”

“Yeah, two more and I’m out of school.” I shrug my shoulders and play with the split ends of my hair. “Still teaching at Clement’s?”

“Yeah. I'm not teaching English anymore though, I’m teaching history.”

“Oh, that’s something new. At least you get to use your history minor.” He laughs and shakes his head. I just began to observe what he was wearing. He was wearing a grey long sleeve and blue jeans. Guess some things stay the same.

“Valerie lied to me today. I came here because I wanted to know the truth before confronting her.”

“Ha-” I pause, he looks uncomfortable as I continue on. “Never knew you were the type to be possessive. You shouldn’t be like that, especially to your finacée.”

“You don’t understand, whatever she told you, I have a reason to act this way.”

“Why then?”

“First tell me why she was here.” Harry pleads. We both sit up more as I let him know.

“We met in the coffee shop and we became Fri-”

“Adeline, please tell me. Have you seen her in this building multiple times?” He asks as I can feel his frustration seeping through.

“Yes, why?”

“Fuck!” He mutters as he stands up abruptly. “Fuck!”

“Ha-... What’s wrong?!” He looks at me immediately as he sits back down beside me.

“You can’t say my name.” He calls me out. “Adeline, say my name!” I give him nothing but a blank look. He rubs his face in desperation.

“It doesn’t matter, I’m just petty. I don’t feel-”

“Why do women always lie to me!” Harry interrupts me. “Did I fuck you up so bad, you can’t even say my name?” He looks at me with tears in his eyes. “Please tell me.” I nod silently as he closes his eyes. “Feels like karma you know? After letting you go, I thought I would never be happy again until I met Valerie last year at a club.” He glances at me as I sit there quietly, letting him continue. “Want to know a funny thing? I caught her in this apartment two months ago sleeping with her ex-boyfriend. She had her locations on and when she called me, I was so confused so I searched for his name on the list downstairs. Stood outside for hours until she came out of his apartment with hickeys all over her.”

“I still don’t know why I asked her to marry me last month. She begged me to stay with her and I just thought that maybe we deserved each other because we both like to sabotage our own relationships.”

“I’m sorry,” I whisper to him as I move forward to rub my palm on his back.

“She’s still cheating on me.”

“I know.” And without another moment, he turns towards me and hugs me into his arms. All the anger in me dissolving because of his story, because of this moment. “I’m sorry.”

Spring

The club was very busy tonight and after waiting in line to get in, all I wanted to do was go back out and probably sleep in my bed.

“So you couldn’t hang out with us yesterday because you and Harry had dinner?” Rachel asked me earlier while we were in line going in. All Rachel and Sam knew were that Harry was my ex-boyfriend and we dated for 6 months.

“Yeah.” They didn’t know that Harry and I have been spending a lot of time together after he ended his relationship with Valerie. Valerie didn’t know anything about us, which was nice. I didn’t want her to get angry at me but I also knew she deserved it. My newly formed friendship with Harry, however, as beneficial as it was strictly platonic. It’s been two months and I feel like my mental health has improved. Maybe if Harry decides to leave my life again, I’ll be okay. I also learned how to say his name again without feeling my heart hurt. The times now have been good, I’ve been good

“Still can’t understand how you felt so in love with him, only after dating for 6 months,” Sam called out as we entered the club. She didn’t know what Mya knew. I ended up telling her at the end of summer when the break up happened. Mya told me I was 100 percent reasonable because I was involved in a serious relationship for the first time in my life.

“Hey, that guy has been eyeing you for a while,” Rachel smirks at me as she points discreetly at the cute blonde guy glancing at me while talking to his friends. I make eye contact with him and smile. As the night was still young, he made his way over to me. After a few more drinks, I knew my mission was to bring him over to mine

...

As I wake up in my sheets alone, my head pounds making me groan. Sitting up, I noticed I was in the unnamed boy’s polo. After brushing my teeth and using the toilet in my ensuite, I headed out to realize the ruckus was coming from my living room.

“Good morning beautiful.” The blond boy smiles as he sits at the dining table eating breakfast take out. “Your friend is here by the way.” He nods his head to the kitchen. As I walk into the room, the tiles sting the bottom of my feet. There, I see a pissed Harry making tea.

“Hey.” I tuck my hair behind my ear as I’m surprised he’s here. He looks at me and passes the mug into my hand without another word. “Thanks. How did you get here?”He looks behind him to see the boy eating while watching something on his phone. The unnamed boy seemed to be around my age.

“Thought I would get us some breakfast since I hadn’t heard from you yesterday but Jamie here buzzed me in without a word. Came here then he took your breakfast so he could eat. You can have min-”

“Thanks.” I smile and take a sip of the tea. “I think he should go though I didn’t even know his name until you mentioned it.” Together, we walk out and I notice Jamie finishing his container or mine.

“Thanks, Henry! Breakfast was delicious.” Harry widens his eyes then nods quietly.

“Jamie, is it alright you leave now? Harry and I have somewhere to be.” I ask nicely as he stands up and cleans up after himself.

“Yeah angel, just let me get my shirt back then I’ll be out doing my walk of shame.” He smirks as he watches me. I glance at Harry who seems to be angry again.

After Jamie leaves and Harry and I sit together on my couch using two forks sharing his bacon and eggs, he speaks up. “So that’s what you were doing yesterday huh?”

“Yeah.” My cheeks flush as I purposely only eat the yolk of the eggs, knowing Harry hates that part.

“I know it’s not my business but do you have one night stands a lot?”

“Um. last year I only had three then Chase and I had benefits until this year, after that Jace… I mean Jamie has been the last one.”

“Oh.” He says silently. “That’s cool.”

“Don’t you have one night stands a lot?” I tease as I take a sip of his coffee since my mug is empty.

“You know I'm not really keen on those. Before you, I wasn’t really into it. After you, I fell into some deep hole so yeah I did. Valerie’s my last.” I nod and glance at the quiet TV. “You know the year when you left, I was a really mean teacher. Mrs. Raisell had to speak to me and ask me to pass all my students because ⅔ were failing.”

“Maybe they deserved to fail?” I shrug my shoulders and laugh.

“No, I was purposely marking hard.”

“Are you still hurt about Valerie?”

“If I’m being honest with you, I was waiting for something to break us up. I couldn’t imagine marrying her.”

“Why not?”

“Always pictured it would be you.”

Summer

Today was going to be my first day entering Harry’s house again. I was nervous but the thing that kept my spirits up was that I was going in with Harry and the broken part of me was fixed once again. To me, it didn’t matter that Harry broke me because he fixed it, at least I have his presence here again and I don’t feel lonely anymore.

“We’re here.” Harry smiles as he steps out to open my door. I glanced at his house that seemed to bring comfort to my heart as I saw Harry nod his head for me to follow him. After locking his car, we enter his house. It smelled the same and looked just a bit different. I noticed how there were fixed holes in the wall, some of his books were missing from the shelf, and he had new windows and a new TV.

“Did Valerie change some things around here while you guys were together?” I ask as I take off my shoes and sit with him in the living room. I used to remember staying in here and cuddling him. Sometimes, I would ask him to edit my essays. He would tell me all these tips but I would drown him out, pretending to listen yet my attention was on the TV show he was watching.

“Actually, No. Valerie and I were only together for 4 months plus we were never really here. We spent most of our time at hers.” He sits down and turns the TV on.

“What’s up with the holes and missing books in here.” He looks at the holes I was staring at. He lowers the volume and speaks to me.

“Mind if I get something upstairs.” And with that he sprinted upstairs, leaving me on the couch.

As he made his way back, he handed me a mini leather journal. It was a bit torn up but it seemed to be in good condition.

“Um,” he pauses as he sits down. He turns towards me and keeps his eye contact on the closed journal. “You can read that when you get home but I can tell you what happened here.” I nod my head and take the journal and hug it into my arms. “When you left, I uh... felt like that was a bad moment for me. I just- you know why we broke up. I just didn't expect you to love me.” he looks at me while I stare at him breathe a bit heavier. This was the closure I was asking for.

“Addy, I was so excited that night and when you told me you loved me, the insecurity I had for the past 9 months just buried me. I don’t know how to explain it. I just- I was scared you would take that back later when you realized how much potential you have and how you can have a better relationship with a boy that was going through the same stuff you were. I’m sorry.” He looks at me and bends down to wipe a tear down my face.

“I always thought about your parents’ reaction if they found out about us, I thought about your friends, I thought about my parents. It was so messy in my brain. Then when you left, I realized that I loved you too but you were gone in an instant. I got so angry at myself for letting fear take over me. So um I decided to punch the walls and throw my TV through a window. Decided to take each romance book out of my shelves and pour alcohol on them.” He laughs to himself. “I even remember crying so hard, trying to tear out the pages of my favourite book, you know a copy I gave you for Christmas. Anyways, I was really mad at myself that I didn’t try to get you back. I mean I took your senior year away from you. You should experience Uni and I guess that’s what made me decide to let you go.” I cry harder and look at the almost bookless shelves

“You fucking ruined me, Harry. I tried to have fun but all I was fucking looking for was something to numb the pain you left me!”

“I know baby and I’m sorry okay! I’m sorry for not being strong enough! I’m sorry for fucking doing that! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m fucking sorry!” He yelled as we both cried on his couch.

“I fucking loved you and you threw that back in my face. I rubbed my skin so hard that night when I left this fucking place. Do you understand that? I had- my skin peeling for days after trying to get you out of my skin, trying- to … rinse your.. Scent off m-”

“Baby, are you okay?” Harry’s eyes alarmed as he watched me hyperventilate. “Fuck, Addy, you don’t have asthma!” I grasp onto his shoulders as he quickly lets go of me and runs to his kitchen, as he walks back he has his own inhaler in his hands. “Here, it’s alright, baby. I’m here now, it’s okay.” As I take in a breath, I fall into his arms and hug him.

“I love you, Adeline. I love you. Two years or not, I don’t give a fuck. I love you.”

…

The night was quiet as we cuddled together on his couch. We were both speechless about what happened earlier and now we have been watching infomercials for the past hour. Harry was petting my hair as I laid on his chest playing with the journal he gave me. “Want me to read that for you. It’s just little lines I wrote about you.” I nod my head and he takes the journal into his hands. He soon began to read each page out loud. I closed my eyes on his chest, trying to remember this night. The same way I did when I first listened to him read out his love letter.

I know you were way too bright for me

I’m hopeless, broken, so you wait for me in the sky

All the lights couldn’t put out the dark

Runnin’ through my heart

Don’t you call him “baby”

We’re not talking lately

Don’t you call him what you used to call me

Forget what I said

It’s not what I meant

And I can’t take it back, I can’t unpack the baggage you left

Sunflower, my eyes want you more than a melody

Fall

“Ahh, Harry let me down!” I scream as I feel his arms engulf me as he lifts me off my feet. “If I don’t unpack my things then I’m going back to mine!” I tease as he laughs putting me back down but not without stuffing his mouth in between my neck so he can leave kisses there.

“You can’t, you sold it already. You’re living here with me forever!” He murmurs against my jaw as he turns me around and leans me against his counter. “You’re here with me now.” He smiles as I kiss him on the nose.

After rekindling our relationship, I decided to sell the apartment and live with him since I’ve spent more time at his place than mine. When I told my parents about Harry, they were happy and they agreed with me moving out. Little did they know that I was dating Harry back when I was still his student but I think that’s a story for another time.

“Oh no, what did I sign up for! I’m living here with you… forever!” I pretend to sigh but he pinches my hips and lifts me onto his dark blue counter.

“Promise baby it won’t be too bad. We’ll redecorate the place just how you want it. We can spend so much more time together and… we can have sex anywhere you want.”

“Hm, I like that.” I kiss him on the lips as I wrap my arms around his neck.

“I know you do baby.” He laughs. He kisses me harder then pulls away. “Are you done unpacking your mugs or should I organize the bookshelves myself?” He smirks as he watches me pout. I tug on my pigtail and hop down the counter.

“I want to help you, of course!”

That night we spent hours reorganizing his book collection. I even added some of my own since I’m an English major too. The shelves that were once empty were now filled with many genres of books but I made sure that the majority of them were romance.

“Baby, are you almost finished?” I knock on Harry’s office as I see him marking his last stack of history papers.

“Mmm, I don’t think so.” He looks up at me and sighs as he glances back at the hill of papers that don’t seem to shrink.

“I was hoping you and I could spend some time tonight since I just finished my homework.” I walk inside the room and close the door. I make my way onto the couch that I’ve grown used to and sit down. Harry was wearing his glasses with his grey sweatpants and a plain white tee. I was wearing his polo and just my panties. Tonight though, no funny business. I’m here to keep him company yet let him focus on marking. “You know I took AP history, maybe I can help you with the marking like old times.” I lick my lips as he glances at me from the paper he was reading, he took a bit too long to respond since he was too focused.

“Yeah, alright, go grab a paper. The research question should revolve around world war 1 and Canada’s involvement.” With that, I took the paper from his stack and picked out a pen from his mug. I got him that for Teacher Appreciation Day when I was still his student.

A couple of hours after, I didn’t realize I fell asleep on his couch as I watched him finish the last few. All I remember is him carrying me to our bedroom.

“Oh, I’m sorry I fell asleep?” I yawn as I watch him beside me getting settled into bed. The fairy lights around our room set the vibe since I decided to hang them up because Christmas was just around the corner again. “You should’ve woke me up instead of carrying me to bed.” He looks at me and laughs, bending down to kiss my forehead.

“It’s okay baby, plus you could be awake and I’d still carry you to bed. Thank you for helping me mark tonight. It reminds me of the old times.” He hovers over me and intertwines both of our hands on either side of my face.

“It’s alright.” I smile as I watch his eyes look at me. “ You know I was thinking, if we don’t count the two-year break, we’ve been together for about 15 months.” He licks his lips and kisses me on the lips.

“Feels weird huh? Feel like I’ve known you forever.”

“Yeah, I think so too.” He kisses down my neck even though we both know we’re both very tired. “I love you,” I whisper.

“I love you so much more,” Harry whispers back as we finish the night with sloppy, slow sex.

Winter

“Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday dear Harry, Happy birthday to you.” I sing softly as I carry a stack of pancakes with a lit candle on top. Harry was just waking up, surprised at the view of me in just his shirt. I carefully crawl on the bed so he can blow the candle out. He reaches out and closes his eyes for a moment before blowing the flame out.

“Thank you.” Harry murmurs as he comes closer to kiss me. “I love you, Addy.”

“I love you too.” I kiss him back. “Here’s your fork, let me just get your coffee downstairs!” I was just about to get out of bed but he holds onto my hand.

“Stay, I can get some coffee later.”Since it was a Saturday, we were very lucky to stay in bed and watch TV all morning. Harry was feeding me a couple of bites while I would let my fingers massage his scalp for hours.

“You know I don’t know how I got so whipped for you, Ms. Chastain.” He murmurs against my jaw after he sets the plate down on his nightstand. “Saw you standing there, the first day in class and I knew I just had to get to know you.” I laugh and sink myself more into the sheets so he can hover over me.

“You know I didn’t know we would get back together. Thought I would never see you again.” He rubs himself on me as I let my fingers graze over his newly shaved chin.

“Are you happy to be with me?” He asks seriously as he kisses my jaw.

“Mhm.” I moan.

“You love me yeah?”

“I do.” He looks up and smiles at me. He kisses my forehead then lifts up my (his) shirt off my stomach. “Harry.”

“I love you, Addy. So fucking much I do.” The wetness of his tongue teases my stomach as he makes his way back to the top of my chest so he can suck on my nipples. “So fucking beautiful you are.”

“Harry.” I pant as I watch him take a nipple into his warm mouth. His other hand playing with my panties and teasing my core.

“Can’t believe I let other guys touch you. You should’ve been mine only. To touch, to love on, to moan for.” He inserts his fingers in me as I scratch his back. “Moan for me baby, scream my name.”

“Daddy, fuck, oh my god. Faster please!” he gropes my boobs and slaps my wet pussy.

“Too bad I’m attracted to you yeah? Don’t give a fuck what you do, who you sleep with. I just want to love you all day long.” He whispers in my ear as I touch his hard dick and try to jerk him off too.

“Love you, you’re so big, daddy!” Without another moment, I come undone as he moans too at the sight of me. He takes my hands off his dick and teases my entrance a bit before putting it in.

“Remember that time I gagged you with your panties and blindfolded you with my tie.” I nodded. “Fucked you so hard and bent you over my desk that day. So difficult after you left me to mark homework on that desk. I couldn’t stop hearing your moans in my mind baby. You fucked me up so hard.” And with that, he thrust into me so fast as he reached forward to choke my neck.

“Daddy!” I open my eyes to see him, biting his lip watching himself fuck me hard.

“Open your eyes love, want you to see me tear you apart.” He helps me sit up and rests my back on the headboard as I watch him fuck me over and over again. “Fuck, don’t look at me like that, I might just have to turn you over right now and spank you.” He takes his thumb and puts it into my mouth so I can suck on it.

“Then turn me over daddy, spank me while I feel you in my stomach.” He bends down to kiss my lips and just as I was about to kiss him back he turns me over on all fours. Slapping my ass twice before putting himself back in me.

“So wet, baby.” He pulls my hair out of my face as he thrusts faster. I clench my fingers around our pillows, trying to also hold onto the headboard. “You fucking like that when I fuck you hard? Such a slut for my cock baby. So wet, you’re fucking leaking for me.” He teases his finger around my other whole. “Look at this one, I might have to try and give this one attention next time what do you think?” As I moan, attempting to reply he cuts me off, “Maybe now is a good time.” He spits onto the hole, teasing his finger around it. “Are you okay with this Addy, do you like how it feels?”

“Mhm.” Harry pulls onto my hair a bit harsher.

“Answer me correctly, say it properly. Let daddy know.”

“Yes!” He slips his thumb into my now wet hole as he fucks me faster.

“Fuck, I wanna put a baby in you so bad baby.”

“Put one in then.” I moan and reach down to rub my clit.

“Get off birth control and I won’t doubt for a second to put one in.” He grits his teeth and flips us over so I’m riding him. “Be a good girl, show me how good you are.” He whispers and slaps my butt. I watch his face turn into pleasure as I roll my hips onto his, trying my best to fuck him well. My moans were seemingly uncontrollable as I feel him deep in my stomach.

“Come for me daddy please fill me up!” I whine and without another second, we come together. Harry reaches quickly for my neck, choking me as he thrusts his hips upwards. His seed fills me up as I un slide myself off him and reach down to taste us. He watches me with a smirk as I lay back down beside him. I feel him move his arm underneath me, as he searches for something. As I lay beside him looking at the ceiling, I watch his hand open a black velvet box in front of me.

“Harry,” I whisper, turning to look at him.

“I know it’s my birthday but the only wish I had in mind was if you said yes to the question I’m about to ask you.” He sits up a bit as I mimic his position.

“Adeline Chastain, I knew you ever since you were 18 and I’ve loved you ever since then. You would make me the happiest man in the world if you would marry me?” I watch him as we both cry so happily together.

“Yes, Harry, I will!” He takes the pear-shaped diamond engagement ring and slides it onto my finger. He kisses me softly as his fingers touch the necklace he bought me for graduation.

“I’m very much in love with you and I promise to take care of your heart, to protect you, and make you the happiest woman in my life.” and with that we kissed again, leading us to the never-ending hours of activities in the bed.

When I was 18, I was naive. I thought Harry would be the only man in my life who would ever make me feel this way.

And I was right.

#too bad I'm attracted to you #Harry Styles #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles smut #harry styles angst #harry styles imagines #harrystyles oneshots #harrystyles fluff #cute #teacher!harrystyles #love #harrystylesimagine #onedirection

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slashnatic · 5 years ago

Text

SPECIAL MORNINGS [Michael Myers]

i have a few requests and match ups in my inbox, i know, but right now i really don’t feel any motivation to write those and i don’t want to do them half-assed, so this is what you get instead :) i will do them though :)

lil warning: this has toxic relationship vibes (what a surprise, it’s michael, peeps)...it‘s fluffy, but keep in mind that this is the reader‘s perspective, not michael‘s (therefore it might seems ooc)

Mornings with Michael were always a surprise. Sometimes he wasn’t there when you woke up, not in the bed with you or anywhere else in the house, an obvious sign that you wouldn’t see him for the rest of the day or even the next couple of days. Sometimes he wasn’t in the bed with you, but you’d find him in the kitchen, living room, basement or in the garage. It was the most common way for you to wake up and the most common way for him to spend his time. Those days were quiet and lonely and you didn’t see Michael a lot either, only if you decided to join him in whatever part of the house he was. And then there were the special mornings. You never knew when they’d come; you never knew how they’d be, but they were different. The special mornings made you feel warm and fuzzy, calm and carefree. Sometimes, when you had spent another day without seeing Michael, you would remember the feeling of the special mornings. You would remember how his skin felt against yours, so rough, but it made you feel safe and protected. It made you forget about the terrible things that happened in the world. It made you forget about the terrible things that happened in your life. And it made you forget about all the terrible, unspeakable things Michael had done. It didn’t matter. The memories of those special moments, those memories in times of loneliness, they made you remember why you were still here, why you had stayed with Michael.

Today was one of those days. It was a special morning. You hadn’t expected it, last night was rough. It was not only that you hadn’t seen him, but when you tried to talk to him, just to say goodnight, he had pushed you away with force. He had been harsh and it had hurt you, both emotionally and physically. Michael never felt guilty about those moments, he never felt regret. Sometimes you got the feeling he was even more distant after such an event, instead of doing anything to apologize. But this morning, the morning after he had left another scar on your soul with his unintentionally, but naturally unloving company, this morning was different.

Your eyes fluttered open, the chirping of the birds and the light of the sun waking you up. It was a sunday and you had made no effort to stop yourself from sleeping in. What for? And now you were awake and you almost regretted it. Michael laid behind you, one arm lazily resting on your hip, the other sprawled across the free space of the pillow, which wasn’t occupied by your head. His breath was calm and felt relaxing on your neck and the warm feeling of it, compared to the cool wind blowing inside through the tilted window, sent shivers down your spine. His breath was louder than usual and sounded almost like snorring, but you knew he was awake. It was close to noon, Michael never slept that long. And you were right, he wasn’t asleep and yet he had stayed in bed. For the first time in months. You shifted slowly, still unsure if you wanted to turn around or not, but feeling the urge to give him a sign of life. You knew that he was very much aware that you weren’t sleeping, but that didn’t really make a difference in the moment. You stopped your movements halfway, not because you wanted to, but because the pressure Michael had put on your hip with his arm was too much and you couldn’t turn around; he was too strong. So you positionend yourself like you had before, lying on one side, your head resting on the pillow with a wonderful view out of the window. The sunlight shining through the curtains was almost golden, looking and feeling how only the sunlight in an early spring could feel. And Michael was behind you, even a bit closer than before, his arm tighter around you, his head nearer to your neck now and you could almost feel his lips on your skin. His chest rose and fell calmly, relaxed. It was that feeling. His skin so warm against yours, feeling like the heat of a bonfire on a camping night, and the wind blowing inside the room was like the wind of fall, just like the wind feels in September, when you walk through a broadleaf forest, the trees all shades of yellow, orange and red. And he was quiet as always, but you felt no danger coming from him. You felt safe and if someone had asked you to describe how that safeness felt, you would have said, “It feels like a mild spring night. Or maybe it’s a rainy morning in late August. There’s nothing like it, I‘ve never felt this safe before.” You felt warm and fuzzy, calm and carefree. It was a special morning.

#michael myers #michael myers x reader #michael myers imagine #halloween #halloween movie #slasher #slasher x reader #slasher imagine #slasher community

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spaceskam · 4 years ago

Text

in dreams of days and nights and everything in between

ao3

Lan Sizhui understood, on some level, that his memories couldn’t be entirely accurate.

No one had perfect memories, after all, and the fact that he’d lost his for so many years only made them less credible. Still, they felt real. They felt nice. That just couldn’t possibly be true. A childhood among corpses during a war shouldn’t have been nice.

He’d heard enough stories from enough mouths to know they couldn’t have been so happy up there. Long days, long nights, always just working to survive. He’d been told Wei Wuxian had been raising an army, but he knew that wasn’t true. Even so, the truth was that there were a plethora of elderly men and women who were weak and a still uncontrollable Wen Ning. What was joyful about that? What was joyful about being unsure of if there would be enough to eat, about the uncertainty of their survival, about a world full of people seeing them as monsters, about being raised by the most hated man alive?

But, when he sifted through his own mind, he couldn’t find any of that.

He remembered crying, sure, but it was never like that. When he was hungry, they gave him food. When he was cold, they kept him warm. When he was scared, they held him. Names and faces were blurry now, but he was never unloved. He never felt lonely.

Sometimes, when he slept, he could remember things a little bit better. They got a little more vivid.

“Ah, A-Yuan,” Xian-gege had said, lifting him over a tree root that was protruding from the ground seconds before he could trip, “Watch where you’re going.”

A-Yuan just laughed, jumping again and again until Xian-gege laughed with him and grabbed his hand a little tighter to lift him off his feet again. He lifted him higher, swinging him a bit, and then swung him all the way up until he landed on his hip. A-Yuan smiled wide, his fingers going to his mouth as he settled against him.

They walked up towards home easily, navigating all the old trees that looked the same if you didn’t look at them enough. A-Yuan had, though, and he was sure he could walk all the way home all by himself. He never had to, though.

“You have to watch where you’re going,” Xian-gege said again. A-Yuan looked up at him. “Always, no matter what. You can’t stay safe if you don’t pay attention.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s dangerous,” he said.

“Why?”

Xian-gege scrunched up his nose and looked at him. A-Yuan smiled until he smiled right back. He took a deep breath and looked up, so A-Yuan looked up too.

“Ah, Wen Yuan, you’re a smart boy. You understand I’m here now to watch for you, but you have to watch so, when I’m no longer here, you can watch for yourself,” he said. A-Yuan reached out to touch his face.

“Where is Xian-gege going?”

“Nowhere,” he said and he said it firm because he meant it. A-Yuan nodded.

They walked a few more steps and A-Yuan watched. When he saw another tree root in the ground, he pointed.

“Xian-gege!” he said, “Watch where you go!”

He laughed and jumped over the root that was hardly sticking out of the ground.

“Good boy,” he said, “You’ll be good at watching all by yourself one day. And you can watch for others too. That’s very good.”

“Why?”

“You should always watch for others,” he said, “It’s the right thing. Even when they say it isn’t, it’s the right thing.”

“Why?”

“Ah, you ask so many questions!” Xian-gege announced loudly, but he looked at him with a smile, “You see, one day, if I’m not here, you’ll watch for me. I’ll be gone, but it’ll be all fine because you’ll be here to watch and all of this, all the trees, all the mountain, all the sky, all the people, will be all yours. You’ll be the one who knows it best.”

“Mine?” A-Yuan repeated.

“Everything,” Xian-gege said, nodding. A-Yuan blinked hard and nodded, looking around. There was so many things to be all his. “Everything inside the wards. And, when you get a little older, I’ll show you how that works as well.”

“And outside?”

“Outside the ward...” he said, taking a long break, “Outside isn’t safe unless you’re with someone else. Your Xian-gege or your Qing-jie or, or the gege in white and blue. Remember him?”

“Rich gege!”

“Yes, he’s safe too, I think,” Xian-gege said, “So we stay safe here, inside the wards. Until you’re all big and grown and more powerful than even me, you don’t try to go out alone, you understand?”

And Lan Sizhui did understand.

He sat up in bed, a little out of breath and his eyebrows drawn together as he looked around. He was at home, safe in the Cloud Recesses. Things weren’t like that anymore. Wei Wuxian was roaming the world and Hanguang-Jun was adjusting to being Chief Cultivator and Sect leader while Zewu-Jun was in seclusion. Wen Ning was allowed inside the Cloud Recesses under the condition that Hanguang-Jun was aware when that was. Lan Sizhui (assuming Zewu-Jun had no children of his own) was set to be Sect leader one day due to strings that he had no idea how Hanguang-Jun pulled.

It was all better, it seemed.

But that didn’t stop him from thinking about the Burial Mounds of Yiling. He remembered when they’d traveled up there before all hell really broke loose and he remembered being weirdly comfortable with his surroundings. He just hadn’t pieced together why. He wondered if he went back there now if he would know it even better.

Lan Sizhui got dressed quickly and quietly. He knew it was inappropriate to be so impulsive and outright against the rules to be breaking curfew, but he couldn’t help it. He needed to see. So he left a note in his bed, telling whoever read it that he’d be back within a few days, and quietly made his way out of the Cloud Recesses.

He stood in front of the wards, unguarded by anything else for the night, and took a deep breath. He could hear Wei Wuxian in his head, telling him it wasn’t safe to leave alone. But he was grown now, wasn’t he? He led a group of other disciples on night hunts all the time, so he could go alone.

Besides, no one was here to tell him otherwise.

With a deep breath, he quickly dismantled the wards only to let himself out and then he put them right back up. It took only a few seconds and yet, by the time he turned around, Wen Ning was standing there and staring at him.

“Sorry, I’m sorry,” he said when Lan Sizhui took a sharp breath in, “I didn’t mean to scare you, A-Yuan.”

“It’s alright,” he promised, smiling softly to make sure he knew he wasn’t scared.

“It’s very late.”

“I know,” Lan Sizhui said, looking around. He gave it only a few minutes before someone came to check the wards. As tired as Hanguang-Jun was these days, he was never that tired. “Let’s go, I’ll tell you on the way.”

Once they were far enough out and well on their way to Moling and, hopefully, Yiling by the next morning, Lan Sizhui started to talk. Or, he did his best. It was still strange trying to vocalize what he remembered or what he wanted to know. But Wen Ning was always helpful and filled in any gaps that he could.

“I had a dream about Luanzang Hill,” Lan Sizhui began softly. Wen Ning blinked with his wide eyes, clearly listening intently. “And I want to go back there.”

“But,” he started, a million different feelings passing through his eyes in a way he was incapable of hiding, “Did-did you tell Wei-gonzi? Or Hanguang-Jun? They, they might not think--”

“No,” Lan Sizhui said, “That’s why I didn’t tell them. I don’t want them telling me no.”

“But--”

“You don’t have to come with me,” he said, “But please don’t tell them. I need to go see it on my own, without them watching me. I need to, Wen-shushu.”

That seemed like enough to make him agree.

The sun was already peaking over the horizon by the time they made their way into Moling. They fetched a few things to eat for the rest of the trip before Wen Ning kept his head down as they approached a man by the river that would take them closer to Yiling. Lan Sizhui charmed him until he allowed them to rent a boat for longer than his usual time frame. Wen Ning stared at him intently the entire time, but he didn’t ask why.

“Do you remember everyone who lived with us then?” Lan Sizhui asked as they got going. He gave a little spiritual power that he’d normally use to fly to make the boat go a little faster.

“Yes.”

“All of them?” he asked, “In my dream, Wei Wuxian mentioned someone called Qing-jie. Was she real or did I dream it?”

Wen Ning gave a little smile, “My sister.”

Lan Sizhui’s eyes went wide and he sat up a bit straighter, the boat slowing as his focus faltered. He had never been told that. Then again, he’d never been told about a lot of things. Hanguang-Jun was many things. Talkative wasn’t one of them. Funnily enough, the more Wei Wuxian spoke, the less he actually said. Neither of them were any help.

“I didn’t know your sister was there,” he said, “I don’t know if I remember her, I’m sorry.”

“I remember her,” Wen Ning said. Lan Sizhui smiled.

The boat ride was filled with stories of Wen Qing, strong and resilient and smart. She was a doctor and unapologetic about her intelligence, even when it came to the great Yiling Patriarch who had saved them all. She was the only one who never seemed afraid to lecture him. And she cared for everyone fiercely, including A-Yuan. She made sure he was clean and fed and warm and loved. Lan Sizhui felt an unspeakable amount of guilt when, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t remember her face.

“Did she look like you?” Lan Sizhui asked, desperate to at least try. Wen Ning paused in thought for a moment before he shook his head.

“She was perfect,” he decided on. Lan Sizhui couldn’t disagree.

They kept talking. Wen Ning got more comfortable and more animated as he continued to tell stories. He drifted away from just stories from the Burial Mounds and told stories about his time in the Cloud Recesses and how he met Wei Wuxian in the first place.

It was a funny thing to hear about stories of when Hanguang-Jun and Wei Wuxian were young, but it was nice to know neither of them had really changed all that much. Wei Wuxian was still brash, Hanguang-Jun was still stoic, and they were both always incredibly smart and where the trouble was. If nothing else in the world made sense, that did.

“I spoke to Huanguang-Jun, ah, Lan-er-gongzi very little,” Wen Ning said, “But I, I know he’s a good man. He, he took care of you, just as Wei-gongzi took care of you, even with... They’re very good men, very strong.”

“Yes,” Lan Sizhui said, nodding his head as he thought back to times he remembered far better.

He’d followed Hanguang-Jun around whenever he could and, in the times he couldn’t because he was hurt, he followed Zewu-Jun. He never really remembered where they thought he came from. Hanguang-Jun was his a-die. Simple as that. Perhaps that’s when the strings to make him an option as an heir was possible.

“They raised you well,” Wen Ning said, smiling and nodding.

“They might not think so when they find out where we’re going,” Lan Sizhui said. It was meant as teasing, but Wen Ning’s eyes went wide and he shook his head.

“No, they will always think so,” Wen Ning said, “A-Yuan is very good.”

“Thank you.”

As the sun began to set again, Wen Ning urged him to take a nap and he’d wake him when they got to the right place. He didn’t want to argue and he also hadn’t slept in too many hours under the sun with too little sleep from the night before, so he agreed. He closed his eyes and laid in the boat, trying to keep closer to a meditative state rather than actual sleep.

However, it wasn’t long before he found himself on the Burial Mounds of Yiling all over again.

“Mine!”

“And who told you that? Xian-gege?” Qing-jie said, a scowl on her face as she brushed dirt off him. A-Yuan pouted until her face softened. “Xian-gege will tell you all the tales in the world, but it doesn’t make it so.”

“Ah, don’t lie to him,” Xian-gege said from somewhere. A-Yuan tried to look for him, but he couldn’t see him.

“Oh, perfect timing! The infamous Yiling Patriarch can come do his evil duties and wash his clothes you let him dirty!” Qing-jie yelled towards him. No sound came and he didn’t come closer. Qing-jie just rolled her eyes and focused back on A-Yuan. “Xian-gege plays games.”

“A-Yuan likes games.”

“I bet you do,” she said, reaching up to his hair. She took it down and the scooped it all up into a bun.

When she was done, she stared at him. Even when he looked away and got distracted by everything he could see, she looked at him. There was something wrong, but she said nothing of the sort. She never really did. Not in front of him, not if it was serious.

“Let’s go take a bath, A-Yuan,” she said, “Then I’ll toss you into Xian-gege’s bed for the night and he can deal with what’s yours or not.”

His hands went to his mouth as he nodded. She stood up and reached for his other hand, leading the way. She walked with her head held high. Whatever was wrong didn’t change that.

Lan Sizhui woke up with a start and it startled Wen Ning enough that he jumped back. He took a deep breath and saw that they were docked on the riverbed, Luanzang Hill visible in the distance.

“A-Yuan, are you alright?” Wen Ning asked.

“Yes, I’m alright,” he said, his eyes unable to move from the place he couldn’t stop thinking about. It was still very dark out, the moon lighting the sky. It should’ve been much more ominous than it felt. “I just... had a dream.”

“Oh.”

Lan Sizhui felt a little dazed as they made sure the boat was secure and started their walk towards the Burial Mounds. It took him a few minutes to really digest his dream before he could ask anything about it.

“Your sister,” Lan Sizhui started, “Qing-jie, ah, Wen Qing? She... She knew it wasn’t permanent there, didn’t she?”

“Hm? Oh, I-I don’t know,” Wen Ning said. When Lan Sizhui looked at him, it was clear he really didn’t know. Maybe she treated Wen Ning the same way she’d treated him.

Lan Sizhui decided not to ask about it more. It was in the past. Whatever he thought about it now didn’t matter. The fact was Wei Wuxian had given them a handful of happy months, whether they knew it was impossible to keep everyone safe forever or not no longer mattered.

Perhaps he stayed a little too lost in thought because before he knew it, the sun was rising again. He knew by now it was long past the time people had noticed he was gone, but Hanguang-Jun hadn’t appeared on Bichen so it was clear he trusted him enough to know he wasn’t going to get himself killed. Or maybe he just trusted Wen Ning enough to know he would protect him.

They passed a few people on their way towards Luanzang Hill, but no one really gave them more than a cursory glance. It helped not to shake him out of his thoughts that only seemed to get louder as they got closer.

They reached a certain point and Wen Ning stopped walking and Lan Sizhui followed suit. A few feet away was a broken down structure, weathered and old. He’d seen it before when he’d come up here with the other juniors, but it felt a little different now when it was just him and Wen Ning.

“This is the entrance,” he said, looking over to Wen Ning. He looked back and nodded before they turned to the entrance together.

And they took a few steps through it.

Lan Sizhui took a deep breath as he let himself take in his surroundings. All the trees were virtually the same, but he knew the closer to home he got, the less it would look right. They’d destroyed so much. But this...

“If I’m not here, you’ll watch it for me,” Lan Sizhui whispered to himself, scanning the surroundings easily, “You’ll be the one who knows it best.”

Wen Ning who smiling at him. He was young perpetually and he acted even younger, but his mind was still wise in ways that maybe was a bit harder to appreciate. In this moment, though, he was the only one that understood. The only one who could.

Lan Sizhui turned towards the entrance and took a deep breath, carefully mimicking the way the Cloud Recesses set their wards. They locked into place, sealing them inside, and Lan Sizhui felt like he could breath a little easier.

“Everything inside the wards,” Wen Ning recited. Lan Sizhui looked over at him, eyes a little wide, but he wasn’t looking back. Instead, he was facing the way home. “Do you remember the way?”

“I think so,” Lan Sizhui said softly. He swallowed hard and took a determined step forward. “Let’s go.”

And they stepped over the tree root together.

#lan sizhui & wen ning #lan sizhui #wen ning #wen yuan #wei wuxian #the untamed #i have no fucking idea how to tag this #my fic

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enbycalicocat · 4 years ago

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Day 24: 19th of February, 2021

TRIGGER WARNING!

+ Implied/mentioned self harm (doesn’t happen within the story)

+ Very negative mindset (might be upsetting for some)

Below is a summary in case you need it (CONTAINS SPOILERS):

The main character is a diagnosed psychopath that’s going through his morning routine. During that he has some upsetting thoughts about how lonely he is, how difficult it is to pretend to be like everyone else, how he wishes he could be himself and people would love him like that, and so on. Then at the end, he mentions that psychopaths don’t necessarily have to be aggressive with other people, they can do that to themselves (and here he talks about self-harming himself later when he gets to work).

DISCLAIMER!

I’m not an expert in any sense of the word about the mental disorder described in this story. I’m basing the stuff I write off of articles and researches and interviews. You can ask me and I’ll give you the sources. That said, please do not take what I wrote as an accurate or precise description.

The alarm began to sing somewhere near me and I just hit snooze and went back to sleep. I needed to sleep a bit more. I'd gone to sleep late the day before yesterday and still felt incredibly tired. Plus, I'd been working on my personal projects a lot these days and that took up a lot of time and was also very exhausting. I deserved ten more minutes of sleep.

There was a knock on the door and I woke with a start. My mom told me to get up from the other side and I thought with curiosity, did I miss when the alarm sounded again? Checking the phone, I realized that no, the second alarm hadn't sounded yet, there were still two minutes left.

Getting off the bed, I felt mildly irritated. All I wanted was to sleep ten more minutes. Not half an hour, or something. What was ten minutes? Nothing! Couldn't I get that much?

Once dressed, I went out of my room and heard the sounds of popping oil. Ah, right, I had to make the rice. My mom had told me the night before. But when I entered the kitchen, I found the rice was already cooking. Well, then, I would use this time to make my breakfast. I needed to start eating at the right times. The articles I read said the body functioned a lot better when we ate at the same times every day.

"Please check if the rice is already cooked and turn the stakes onto their other side."

Internally, I wanted to say no. There were things I needed to do (like my breakfast). But I had learned early on that I should accept the things my mom asked me to do unless I couldn't achieve them with my current ability, or the things I should be doing instead could not be postponed.

"Okay."

The rice and the stakes taken care of, I quickly washed the tuppers I used to store my lunch and bring it with me. Seriously, couldn't my mom wash them? I needed to finish that thing I was writing yesterday, and I was tired from staying up the day before, so I went to sleep really early. Washing them would've taken five minutes tops. And yet here they were, unwashed.

That done, I finally made my breakfast. And finally ate. Half an hour later than I should've.

"You were supposed to make the rice today."

I looked at my mom, and determined from her tone of voice and her face that she was not at all pleased with me right now. But, why? I needed to sleep a little longer. Why can't I?

"I told you I wanted to start leaving the house ten minutes earlier. Because I was not arriving on time at the house of my first client."

Ah. I didn't really think my mom's request was that important. I wanted to sleep longer. I was her son. She could perfectly make up some excuse and her client would eat it right up. I'd seen her done it before. So, why couldn't she do it today?

But I had to consider her needs and the things she wanted. And had to put her first sometimes. Because that's what people did for each other. What normal people did.

"Sorry mom. It's just that I was really sleepy. I didn't sleep well a few nights ago because of the drops that fall from that pipe within the walls. It woke me up at three thirty a.m. and I couldn't go back to sleep at all. And that same day I had gone to sleep really late, almost twelve a.m. because I had to finish writing. And then yesterday, I couldn't take a nap."

I affected a very cutesy and pitiful voice, sounding as if I felt really bad about not cooking the rice as I had promised. My facial and body gestures changed as well. All done to appeal to her. So, that she wouldn't get angry. If she got angry, it would be a pain in the ass. And I wanted nothing to do with that. Thank you very much.

My mom fell for it reluctantly. As we finished getting ready, for the remaining time in the house, I made a conscious and strenuous effort to pay attention to the things she wanted and put them first. Once in the car and on the way to the mall where I worked, I could finally relax and stop watching my mom's every move and word.

Inside me, I heaved a sigh of relief. That had been some very tiring thirty minutes. And extremely lonely too. I hadn't wanted to do any of that. I didn't care. I had things to do. And I wanted to get them done first. Whatever my mom needed could wait.

But no. I couldn't do that. I couldn't say that. I couldn't put myself first like I wanted. Because that's not what people did. That's not how they behaved. It's not 'normal'. And I had to be like everyone else. Normal. However, doing that was exhausting, soul-sucking work. Because I was a psychopath.

Empathy and average human interactions were not something I knew or could perform naturally. It was all an act. A mask. A persona. As if I were on stage.

As I sat, my eyes were firmly trained on the window beside me with headphones in even though I wasn't really paying attention to the scenery and there was no music playing. This is what my psychologist calls closed-off body language. It makes it clear for people that I don't want them to talk to me. No eye-contact is really important in order to give the 'I don't want to talk' message. For me it's just usual behavior since I never look at people when they interact with me. But the 'body language' was based on the way neurotypicals perceived the world. Not on people like me.

I wondered if I would ever be able to tell my mom about my diagnosis. If I would ever be able to take the masks off and just be me, the real me. If she would love me for who I really am. But the people around me had made it clear from very early in my life that no one wanted the real me. I was unpleasant. I was unlovable. I was not what they wanted. Not what they expected. And I had to be the way they wanted me to.

Frustration coursed through my veins. Where is the fairness in that? I had to bend over backwards to be what they wanted me to be. I had to act stupidly and say stupid stuff to keep my job and keep a roof under my head. I had to be someone else entirely to exist in this goddamned world, to be able to pay for food and have the right to live and breathe.

But no one stopped to think about how that felt. No one stopped to think about how humiliating and degrading that was.

Why did I have to change for them? Why couldn't they change for me?

Why did I have to be born like this? Why couldn't I be like everyone else? Why couldn't I control it? Why did it have to be this hard?

Why couldn't they just love me?

My hands traced the inside of my arms, hidden under the long-sleeved shirt I was wearing, feeling the scabs formed over the cuts.

People where always worried about psychopaths being aggressive and killing. They knew psychopaths killed people, killed human beings, killed living beings in general. But they didn't stop to think (did they ever, really?) that psychopaths were people, human beings, living beings, and that they could be killed too, by their own hands. We were aggressive and tended towards killing, true, but that didn't necessarily imply someone else, we could just as well just be aggressive with ourselves, kill ourselves.

So, I bottled my frustration, my anger, my disappointment, my loneliness, and saved it for later. Later, when I had a razor and the door of the store I worked in was locked and I was alone with my body.

Prompt:

24. Describe the exact day you just had, but from the point of view of a psychopath.

Previous Day

Next Day

#writing #30 day writing challenge #fiction #very short story #ugh this story is so damn problematic #all the disclaimers and trigger warnings are tiring af #but off to the content tags #sad #negative mindset #psychopathy #main character is a psychopath #implied or referenced self-harm #not an accurate description at all of psychopathy #i know nothing about that #i based all i wrote on google

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fatgirlwritesscenarios · 5 years ago

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You’re My Home

((A/N: I’m running out of stuff to say in here...I’m very sleepy, but I do this to myself. This one is old! Like OLD! Like before The8 became as cool as he is now kind of old! When he was adorable before he became suave, you know?))

Pairing: The8xReader

Genre: Fluff

Word Count: 2,131

Summary: Minghao has been feeling underappreciated, forgotten, even looked-over as if he weren’t important. All it takes is one night with you to be reminded that he is, in fact, loved. More than he thought anyone could love him.

*~*~*~*~*~*

It all got to be too much sometimes, especially as of late. The promoting, the performing, the fan signs and TV appearances; the high demands to be better, fancier, more good looking and accommodating to the fans. Every member felt the pressure with each comeback, never wanting to disappoint those that supported them, but at times…Minghao felt it the most out of everyone.

No matter how hard he tried, he was never good enough. He was always overshadowed by the others and their multiple talents they were allowed to showcase. He didn’t doubt his own talents, of course, but…sometimes he wondered if it even mattered if he were there or not. He read on the internet once or twice about how little people saw of him, of how he barely had even one reliable fansite dedicated to him, and how they easily forgot he existed.

It wasn’t their fault. They weren’t trying to be mean. It was just fact! It was true that he was barely the center of attention and that most fans were quick to stan everyone else before him, thus more pictures of them completely overtaking any pictures there may be of him. He accepted those facts a long time ago, but that didn’t mean the reality didn’t hurt every now and then. Sometimes…he felt underappreciated, unloved even and sometimes…he just wanted to run away.

Regardless of that, there was one place that he returned to where the love was endless. There, everything he did was appreciated and the most important pair of eyes was always solely on him at all times. He didn’t have to fight anyone for attention and he was made to feel like the most talented man in the world.

That place was wherever you were. A place he happily called home.

After a particularly bad day where Minghao was getting a little too deep into his feelings, he decided to stay with you at your apartment instead of at the dorms. He hadn’t seen you in too long anyway, it felt like, and he hated when his schedule took him away from you for long periods of time. It made him feel like he was neglecting you. So, after stopping at a street florist and picking up the prettiest, brightest bouquet they had, he trekked to your apartment that evening, ready to enjoy the few days off that he had with you alone.

“Baobei, I’m home!” he called through the apartment as he entered, taking off his shoes and setting his bag down.

There was a smell that hit him immediately and gave him pause, his nose lifting to the air to inhale deeply. He knew that smell, so familiar and welcoming. It made his heart stutter and caused a powerful emotion to roll through him as memories of his childhood flashed before his mind’s eye.

“Y/N!” he called again, moving quickly towards the kitchen where he heard shuffling.

Your head popped around the corner, bright eyes shining and smile as warm as hot tea on a cold evening; “Minghao!” you cried, disappearing for only a second to adjust the fire on the stove before sprinting towards your boyfriend, “You’re home!”

“I am. I’m home,” he agreed, opening his arms wide to embrace you as you threw yourself at him, hugging him as if he just came back from war, “I missed you.”

“I missed you too!” you gushed, cupping his face in your hands and rubbing your nose against his excitedly, “Oh, look at you! I’m so glad to see you. I’ve been so lonely without you here.”

“Me too.” He smiled and accepted the kiss you pressed to his lips, chuckling before taking your hand and twirling you around. He reveled in your giggles before pulling your back against his front and presenting you with the bouquet, “I got these for you.”

His heart leaped with joy when you gasped in delight, “Oh, these are beautiful! Minghao, you’re the best.”

You took the flowers and pressed a kiss to his cheek, his smile practically tearing his face in half. “This bouquet is huge! I don’t even think I have a vase big enough to fit it. Oh! Just kidding! There it is!”

You pulled a large vase from underneath the counter and ran water inside of it, going about clipping the ends of the flowers and placing them inside. While you were busy doing this, Minghao wandered through the kitchen as the smell hit him again, peering into the boiling pots and pans you had going.

“Y/N, babe, what are you making? It smells so good,” he asked, peering back at you, “It smells like home. Like China.”

You looked at him and then hummed in realization, a grin bigger than your face, he could swear it, appearing a second later; “Oh, yeah! So guess what,” you started, running the vase into the living room and placing it on the side table by the balcony doors before scurrying back to the kitchen with Minghao, “I was out walking around town today and took a couple of suspicious left turns because, you know, I suck at directions and got myself lost.”

Minghao chuckled, leaning his back against the counter as he watched you bustle around. “And while I was trying to find my way back to the main road, right there, on the right side and tucked between an insurance place and some random video game store, I think, I don’t even know, was this little grocery store. And when I saw little, I mean little. Like, this place was barely bigger than my apartment, it was crazy. Anyway, I got to talking to the lady that owns it because she was outside sweeping and come to find out…it’s a Chinese grocery store!”

Your eyes grew so comically wide that Minghao just had to laugh, his own surprise at the news melting away, “No way! You’re kidding me!”

“I would never! She took me on a tour of the store, which only took about two minutes that’s how small it was, and it was legit a Chinese grocery store just like the ones back home when you and I went to visit your parents! So I’m looking at this lady like, ‘Where you been all my life? I have a Chinese boyfriend and I need to make him food to remind him of home’. And she’s like, ‘I got you, fam’. Long story short, I’m cooking your favorite dish with all the proper ingredients for once! I also called your mom and had her walk me through it for the first twenty minutes to make sure I don’t mess it up.”

Minghao was moved, that emotional wave from before now cresting as he stood there watching you, that beautiful smile of yours lighting up his entire world and forcing away any dark shadow of doubt from his mind. How could he still feel unloved when you were right there? Cooking his favorite meal and even calling his mom to make sure you were doing it right? How could he feel unwanted when you go through all this trouble and are always so excited to see him whenever he came home? He covered his mouth with a shaky hand, his eyes tearing up.

You were quick to notice it and your brows furrowed in worry. “Oh…Oh, Minghao…Babe…What’s wrong?” you asked, rushing towards him, “What happened? Did something happen? Why are you crying?”

He shook his head, trying to blink away the tears, but your concern only made the emotions stronger until his tears zipped down his cheeks.

“Baby, talk to me. What’s wrong?” you encouraged him, squeaking when he suddenly engulfed you in a bone-crushing hug.

“I just love you so much,” he sniffed, cradling the back of your head with his large hand, “You make me feel like the luckiest guy in the world. You went through all that trouble for me just to make my favorite meal, to bring China to me for a little bit.”

You giggled and rubbed his back, “It was no trouble, Minghao. I do things like this for you because I love you, too!” You pulled away and wiped his tears gently with your thumbs while his hands remained on your waist. “I always want to make you happy and see you smile. You work so hard and you put so much effort into everything you do to make everyone else around you proud. I want to give that back to you even if it’s something as small as making you dinner. You deserve at the very least that much.”

“Thank you, Baobei,” he whispered, smiling softly and leaning his forehead against yours, his eyes closing.

“You’re welcome,” you replied, leaning up to give him a chaste kiss, “Now why don’t you go take a shower and get comfortable? Dinner will be ready by the time you’re done.”

He nodded, but was reluctant to leave you; after going as long as he did without seeing you while they were promoting, the last thing he wanted to do was let you out of his sight. You made him go, though, telling him that the sooner he bathed, the sooner you two could be reunited for the rest of the night. That did the trick, Minghao running into the bedroom to grab some pajamas before heading into the bathroom.

It didn’t take him long at all to shower or to get dressed, but true to your word, when he came back, dinner was ready and set out on the table. Not only that, but his dirty clothes that were in the bag he dropped by the door were already running through the washer. You both enjoyed a home-cooked, Chinese meal as you conversed with one another, Minghao talking about all the crazy adventures he and the boys went through while promoting. You tried to keep him talking about everything he did, wanting to hear about it, but he refused to tell you anymore until you told him how you were doing. He felt so removed from your life and wanted to be integrated back in. He was attentive and hung on to every word you said, loving the way you talked and how animated you got.

With dinner over, the dishes washed and the hour growing late, you decided it was time for the both of you to head to bed. Besides, Minghao was having a hard time staying awake for the show you were watching and you figured it was because all his hard work was finally catching up to him. You got ready for bed, brushing your teeth in the bathroom together and making faces at one another. Finally, after turning out the lights, you both lay cuddled up to one another, Minghao’s head tucked underneath your chin as he rested on your chest. Usually, he was the one to hold as you drifted off to sleep, but tonight, you knew he needed you to hold him and you were more than happy to oblige.

He listened to the cute little fluttering of your heart, so warm and welcoming, slowly lulling him to sleep. Your fingers carded through his hair gently, smiling when his arm draped around your waist and tugged you even closer.

“Thank you.”

“For what? Dinner? It was no problem.”

“No, Baobei…for everything.” Minghao lifted himself up to look at you, those big, intelligent eyes of his boring into your soul. They made you blush, making you feel as if he were undressing you, laying you bare before him so that there was nothing you could hide. “Thank you for putting up with me and the crazy schedules that keeps us apart. I know it’s just as hard for you as it is for me to be separated. Thank you for doing all that you do for me, for making my favorite food for me and for reminding me that even when things get hard, I always have someone in my corner, cheering me on and loving me unconditionally. Thank you for being my home.”

“Minghao…” Now it was your turn to get teary, your boyfriend chuckling and kissing the corners of your eyes before laying one on your lips, “I love you. So much.”

“I know, Baobei. I love you, too,” he whispered, laying his head back down on your chest and yawning afterwards, “Good night. Promise you’ll be here when I wake up?”

“I promise,” you giggled.

“Good because as soon as I do wake up, I’m going to spoil you. You deserve at the very least that much.” He took your free hand and kissed your fingers, holding them securely against his heart before drifting off into a peaceful, happy slumber with the sound of gentle heartbeat guiding his journey.

#seventeen #seventeen imagines #seventeen scenarios #the8 #the8 imagines #the8 scenarios

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honeyrose-tea · 4 years ago

Note

are you doing anything for new years? if you could call any friend to talk to at midnight to enter the new year together, who would you choose? do you enjoy staying up late or going to bed early? do you like making new years resolutions? if so, what are some of your new years resolutions for 2021? did you have any for 2020? did you succeed at them? if you didn't, are you going to try again this year? what are your hopes for the upcoming year? your fears? your most ridiculous prediction? -🌙

no, I don't have any plans for new years. my parents will likely put on the tv and I might watch a bit of the festivities, or I may just go to bed and let the year come softly. either way, it won't be too eventful. but I don't mind

the past few years I've gone to my friend Syl's (@spice-ghouls) house to celebrate new years with them and a couple friends, and I've always enjoyed that. and they're basically my only friend at the moment, as well as being one of my oldest and best friends. so probably them. I love them very much

I hate waking up early. though I love the morning and think it's a beautiful time of day, I like waking up when my body tells me to and that rarely coincides with the morning. I especially hate alarms, no matter what tone they are it's always such an abrupt way to start the day. I'm excited for the day when my significant other (who is hopefully a lighter sleeper than I am) wakes up to a quiet alarm, rolls over, and gently wakes me up so we can start our day together. maybe then I wouldn't mind waking up early.

as for staying up late, I don't love it either. I do love the night, it has a peace that is similar to yet distinct from the morning. but staying up late is honestly almost a compulsion at this point and it definitely has negative effects on me. it's something I've been working to stop doing over the past year or two. I still do it (it's almost 1am as I type this) but I don't love it either. the best nights are when I go to sleep at a reasonable time (8-11pm) and wake up naturally, but still early enough not to feel as if the day is already wasted

I'm not big on resolutions, actually. I mean I don't mind them, I just don't usually don't have any. if I want to do something, I just start doing it right away, I don't wait for a certain time to start. if I get a whim in July or October or even December to start writing more poems or posting less on social media or whatever, I start immediately instead of making it a whole big new years resolution. part of that is because I'm very instrospective and goal-driven by nature so I'm always seeking out new ways to grow and improve. I think people in general don't think much about their goals until it's time for a milestone like the new year. I guess it's also because the new year just isn't that big of a deal for me. if anything I seem to reflect most on my growth around my birthday rather than new years

that said, I did have a resolution in 2019, simply because I happened to get a whim right around that time of year. the resoltion was to visit all the counties in my state. I had lived here my whole life and hadn't been very far outside the city I live in, I wasn't really familiar with the state's geography either, and that didn't sit right with me. I felt like I couldn't call myself a real resident until I really took ownership of the and got out into the state itself. so from January to July I visited 80+ counties, often with one or both of my parents, and it was incredible. it made me feel so much more connected to my region and we found so many hidden gems. I have tons of pictures and I've done some writing about it if you're ever interested. but yeah, since then it's been kinda hard to come up with new resolutions. I feel like I peaked with that one, I don't know how I'd top it.

I'm not planning on a resolution for 2021, but maybe something will pop into my head in the next couple days. I want to be more social after the vaccine, that I know for sure. it was kind of a wake-up call that the pandemic didn't change my social life hardly at all. I want to spend more time with friends and family and enjoy the little things like the ability to eat in a restaurant or cafe or go thrift shopping or go to the movies. I just think I should do more with my life, and I've been feeling that way for several years now. I've made some small steps, but post-quarantine I want to make bigger ones. my lifetime is finite. outside of that I don't know of anything big I hope to accomplish in 2021. good grades I guess, but that's kind of a given. I'm always aiming for good grades

I hope that the year is filled with love and warmth. I hope it is calm, joyful, and that I can live it out with all the people I love by my side. I hope that for everyone else too, that they can be closer to their loved ones. I hope for less death and sickness and that the virus is eradicated as soon as possible. I hope for more equality and progress, and though they are slow I do believe they're coming. I hope that life becomes more normal, and that people who are hurting are comforted. I hope things go well for my church, because it means a lot to me. selfishly I hope for a significant other, and I hope it's the last one. I'm so ready to be with the person I will spend my life with, I like the thought of stability and security, of building a life with someone. and even more selfishly I hope it's Eli. I hope my dog stays healthy, that my chickens live long lives as well, and that the weather is nice. I hope I get to spend more time outside. I hope that children get to see their friends, go to school, and that they are more carefree. though I don't have any siblings I do have some special kids in my life and I hated seeing how they've suffered this year. I just hope everything is better and happier for everyone, that we are all more successful and compassionate. I especially hope that we will carry our lessons from 2020 with us but leave behind the pain

I have a lot of fears. I am scared of the unknowns about the virus- the effectiveness of the vaccine on a massive population, the new strains, the long-term effects of the virus or even the vaccine that may crop up months or years from now, and much more. I am scared about the state of our society and how reforming it seems nearly impossible, I am scared that at some point this unsustainable system will fall apart, I am afraid of how and when that will happen and how many people will have to suffer and die amidst the collapse. I am afraid of a very lonely and uneventful year, I am afraid of a lonely year filled with bad events too. I am afraid for the health and safety of everyone, especially those I love. I know we aren't out of the woods yet, and the new year will not be a magical fix. I am a little afraid regarding how quickly my future is approaching, that in 2021 I will need to be looking at grad schools and applying to begin my graduate program in fall 2022. I am afraid I will lose my passion, I am afraid maybe I never had any passion to begin with. and as always, I am afraid of being forgotten, but also afraid of being known, deeply known, and still remaining unloved. I think we often forget the mortifying ordeal of being known is not guaranteed to result in love

still, I don't want to dwell on my fears, and though it has been tempting in the midst of all this chaos, I think I have managed to push them away most of the time. I think fear is rarely productive except sometimes as a motivator, and even then I would rather be motivated by love or hope or optimism than by fear. I will end with my absurd prediction, which is of course that Eli and I will get back together and it will be permanent. I hate to say it but I do honestly believe it, even though I know it's ridiculous. I have a deep sense that it will happen. I don't know why. it is just a divine knowing, one that I have only felt before on a couple occasions, both of which were definitely orchestrated by God, I have no doubt about either. but feelings aside, you can never predict the future, and I am excited to see what happens regardless. there is joy in not completely knowing, joy in knowing that you will get to live it out and watch it all unfold. all that I can do is learn and love and grow and work as hard as I can, and the universe will take care of the rest

thank you for this, my friend. your questions aid in my self-reflection and I always feel like I know myself better after writing to you. I hope you are well, and thank you again for taking an interest in me. it means a lot to me, more than I can say. I hope your holidays were/are well. are you doing anything for new years? talk you soon:) xoxo💞

#ask #pen pal #eli

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