#feeling very alone and unlovable HAHA

[killherfreakout]

i’m going to be the only sibling in my brothers wedding who doesn’t have a plus one and that is so embarrassing

[fuckthemforthis]

Maribor recap or long rambling, some pics and trying to make sense in my head:

1. Thank you @chibi-chellist again for reaching out, it meant a lot not to be alone! Rambling about the boys is so much better in person and when it's not one-sided. I enjoyed meeting you and sharing experiences! 💕

2. Kaj pa Ester? is one of the cringiest things I've recently seen, especially dialog wise haha BUT it is also funny and kinda cute. Very teenage-y I guess, with too much lots of kissing and parties for which scenes they used some terrible modern cajke music (like use the good old soul ripping ones that don't mention Elon Musk... teenagers today smh). Anyway, I wouldn't mind it being longer and better developed in the emotional areas which you see they scratched but need deepening to give an actual sense of plot and sense to the movie. Could be due to the fact it was supposed to be a show first tho. However, I couldn't see Bojan's personality, mannerisms or gestures so in that sense I feel he did a great job acting 👏

And THE SCENE. Oh boy. Less sad and more frustrated bojerking. Putting shame aside to admit I would love to have it available on demand, especially for some ragged breathing appreciation...

3. Bought and tried Jan's fav cookies, yaay! They're really soft and don't crumble so I approve and will enjoy. I'm sure sentimental reasons are definitely a big part of why he named them as favorite and when I think about it they really suit him but there are better Slovenian cookies like almost any from Težak bakery in Zreče.

4. Half the venue were teenagers or parents with anything between 4 to 12 year olds. I was surrounded. And since I sat a few rows above the backstage entrance, kids all tried reaching for them as they were going off stage and among all the girls there was an 8 (?) year old boy who reached out and Bojan gave him a high-five... and lemme tell you I very much dislike kids but the way that boy turned and excitedly smiled melted my icy heart.

5. Third concert of theirs, third time on Jan's side. And I think Kris somehow knows & takes revenge by not singing NGVOT whenever I'm in the audience 😔

Well Krisko, princess dear, no photos of you 😝

6. Found it adorable how as ASTP was starting, Nace went to drink some water, took his bottle and clinked it against Jure's 🥂

7. Love that Maks was there again, I like the guy. At some point during the concert he was leaning on the fence above me taking pics and I missed half a song watching him work 🙈

8. As I was behind the loudspeakers, I heard Bojan's singing fine, but talking barely because it was often too distorted. What I did hear was him saying we came there for a workout to burn all the cookie calories from the last few days... and boy are you on the wrong track because I came back home with four different packs of cookies 🍪

9. Band dad Niko's daughter was with him watching the concert from next to the stage and he danced with her and it was adorable. The existence of good dads baffles my poor unloved ass...

10. We all know how in the setlist there's a connection between Padam and Demoni because Bojan even sometimes said "and when we fall they come", but I realised the chain starts with Dopamin. First you get a dopamine rush and feel like flying but soon you experience a crash because your body used up all the good stuff and then comes the falling and the demons (and then you go back to someone so the demons would go away but that someone just plays you again - if I wanna extend it to Katrina). Yes it's kind of a concert - post concert sadness - concert rinse&repeat metaphor

11. Janči had problems with his pedalboard for the first two or three songs, he and Kiki spent minutes fiddling with it trying to get it to work. Poor guy can't catch a break.

12. So yeah, the last point is based on Jan being sick, but it's actually about the main reason I like them so much - the connection, love and care they share.

I realised Jan wasn't okay during the concert so Bojan just confirmed it for me. He obviously still slayed, and he went to play at the front a lot, but there were telling moments.

A) When Bojan came to Jan at one point and rubbed his back in a very non performative way, squeezing at his shoulder and whispering something.

B) When Jan plopped down during Padam I thought "not when he usually goes down, is he okay?" and then Bojan leaned down to stroke his hair.

C) The most telling of all, when he sat down during Umazane misli. I kept looking at him, ignoring the left-front-right karaoke. He looked so tired and off, put his head in his hands and then Kiki gave him a bottle of water. When Nace turned around and noticed him like that, he smiled encouragingly and told him it's okay three times (yep they were close enough to read lips) and that's when I was 100% sure something was wrong and he was either feeling off emotionally or sick. He then got up, went to the front, played his ass off and only when he was walking back was it visable again for a moment how empty his expression was.

D) Jure coming to comfort him and cheer him up as soon as he could lift his ass away from those drums, leading him to the front where in the end Jan turned out to be the one stroking Nace's back in a "yeah it's okay" kinda way

E) As they were leaving for the final time, someone gave Jan a wrapped present he looked actually happy about and he threw back a pick but it fell where the person couldn't reach so Nace took over making sure the person gets it.

That's it. They are all utterly beautiful. And anyone who knows me, knows I use that word to describe people first and foremost on the inside. Beautiful.

[joys-of-everyday]

Misunderstandings, Miscommunications, and Misbeliefs

I spent a liushenweek drawing because Practice Makes Perfect????? Back to meta post to stretch these meta muscles again haha

So… there was a comment somewhere on some writing/book channel that ‘misunderstandings’ is like a pet-peeve/least favourite troupe. And I get it. Badly executed misunderstandings is super annoying. It’s like… ‘why is this stupid plot device here other than to make the story longer’. But I think mxtx does misunderstandings brilliantly, and here’s some ideas on why.

Btw, the ‘misunderstanding’ trope is when character A and B fail to communicate and important Thing, which causes Problems. You know, SQQ convinced that LBH is out to kill him, LBH convinced SQQ hates him for being a demon for TWO GODDAM BOOKS *screams in agony in the pits of hell*

Misunderstandings and misbeliefs

(In my humble view) one of the central things about mxtx’s big misunderstandings is that they are fundamentally connected to the character’s misbelief. Misbeliefs are important peeps (find out more on How to Find Your Character's MISBELIEF (or Fatal Flaw) - YouTube) (Another great writing channel btw). It’s what drives character development.

A good example is Shen Jiu and Yue Qingyuan. SJ believes that YQY abandoned him, which is connected to his misbelief that he is unlovable and alone. He believes YQY abandoned him not (just) because YQY doesn’t tell him what happened, but because fundamentally, he believes everyone will abandon him. Meanwhile, YQY doesn’t tell SJ about the events in the Lingxi caves because his misbelief is that his failure makes him detestable. He’s a protective person who feels responsible for those around him, and judges himself harshly for his limitations. Thus he misunderstands Shen Jiu’s rejection as a judgement of his failure, rather than a fear of abandonment. The key point is that the misunderstanding goes far beyond the initial lack of communication. So it’s not just ‘here’s a plot device to make things complicated’. It tells you a lot about the characters involved.

Miscommunicating on a Wendy’s Parking Lot

To follow up, any character’s miscommunication should make sense within their character profile.  

Why does Shen Qingqiu not just tell Luo Binghe that he didn’t want to shove him down the Abyss? Because he’s always putting on an act. 24/7. Hiding his feelings is his trademark.

Why does Lan Wangji not just tell Wei Wuxian about his feelings? Because he just doesn’t say anything that doesn’t need to be said. Ever.

Why does Mu Qing not just tell Xie Lian he wants to be friends? Because he’s prickly and defensive and expects everyone to laugh at him.

It’s not just ‘they failed to communicate this one time’. It’s ‘they always fail to communicate with each other, and this happens to be a time where it blew up into a Thing’.

The opposite to this is conveying a character’s deeper feelings/trauma through miscommunication.

WWX initially comes across as an easy-going, open person, who’s not afraid to say his thoughts even in the face of authority. But there are things he just Never Mentions, one of the key ones being the events surrounding his golden core. His silence on particular topics says volumes about how they affected him, because it doesn’t fit his surface level character profile. You know losing his golden core wasn’t a walk in the park, because it changes him so much. It also tells you something deeper about his character – his self-sacrificial nature, how he downplays his achievements, and how he takes these to a level that is detrimental to him.

So in other words, mxtx shifts away from ‘misunderstanding for the sake of plot development’ to misunderstanding as a consequence of a character trait. And character traits should have consequences! This is very important. (Making a character ‘clumsy’ and it having no consequence to the story is stupid.)

A short point on theme

Here’s a video on using misbeliefs to write theme into your story: How to Write THEME Into Your Story - YouTube. Long story short, easy way to integrate theme into story is to turn the theme upside down and make it your main character’s misbelief. SQQ’s misunderstanding of LBH’s motives is a plot driver for ∞ly many books and weaves very obviously into the ‘see people as more than their role in a story’ theme.

(The other two books don’t fall into this pattern quite as neatly, layering themes in different ways, although I’m sure there are things to pick out if you wanted to.) (On an offhand meta note actually, through three books, mxtx goes from misunderstandings driving a large portion of the plot to almost no misunderstandings at all??? Or at least, that’s the impression I got. Like the identity shenanigans in tgcf weren’t really misunderstandings and more like everyone being deliberately sneaky. I wonder what her latest series will be like.)

If Only They Just Talked With Each Other… not

I think what makes the ‘misunderstanding’ trope annoying is that it feels so arbitrary. The characters tell each other The Big Secret they’ve been hiding and then everyone moves on like nothing happened, leaving you thinking ‘well what was the point?’ Meanwhile, mxtx’s misunderstandings are deep, ugly, and painful. They develop into rifts between characters that cannot be fixed by just telling each other The Big Secret.

For example, Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng. In the end, JC learnt about the golden core. Did it fix everything? No. Because JC already knew WWX cared about his adopted family. He already knew the WQ and WN had helped them. Knowing that WWX and the Wens had helped him to a far greater extent than he initially thought would not have made his decision to cut off WWX in any way easier – the rest of the cultivation world would still have hated the Wens, he still had a sect to protect. Hey, this knowledge would only have made his decision even more difficult to make!!! WWX knew this. JC realised this. When JC learns the truth, he basically has a breakdown.

Talking to each other is the start of the healing process. But one conversation most certainly isn’t going to fix things. Note that this relies on the points above. The misunderstanding is so significant because it is interwoven so heavily into the character’s traits, flaws, and misbeliefs. Overcoming the miscommunication forces character development (which should be done with all the care that character development deserves).

Mxtx’s misunderstandings are never really ‘fixed’, and certainly never forgotten. You might see them on the path of healing and understanding, like SQQ and LBH. Or with SJ and YQY, you’re just left with a bitter aftertaste in your mouth. They’re never arbitrary, and that’s what makes them significant.

hmmm... I’m not 100% happy with this post for some reason.

Anyway, comments and criticisms very very welcome!

[thelunarfairy]

I LOVED EVEYRTHING YOU SAID IN MY YASHIRO ASK AND I TOTALLY AGREE!!

And gosh I never knew nene received that kind of hate? Am I too oblivious 😭😭 but omg the points you mentioned about her being way too nice for her own good? I second that claim- she's actually so selfless. Hell even I would be petty, but that selfless quality makes her even more beautiful.

Also no hate to any character, but I just don't like it when they go about making fun of her legs like anything. Once? Okay, like its comical so it's fine, but I really didn't appreciate the fact that even after mistuba saw that nene's biggest fear was being left alone, unloved, all because of her legs during the mirrors chapter, he STILL chose to make fun of her legs. Who does that please- that instance made me angry-

I really really feel like she needs a break. Or a person who would ACTUALLY hear her out and support her. Because if you want my opinion? NONE of the characters at present would exactly help her out. Like yk what I mean? I want a character being empathetic about Nene for once and hear her out. I feel like the things that happen in the manga most of the times happen against Nene's will. Her problems get doubled, she gets trapped into dangerous situations, she needs a long break-

Anyways thank you so much for the points you shared! I'm so glad to see someone agreeing with me on Nene, she deserves the world and people should know that she's developing too. It's not just kou suffering because of her mother's death and his complex with teru, not just mitsuba suffering because he wants to be a human again but cannot for obvious reasons, not just hanako who killed his twin and regrets it with his whole heart, but also Nene who suffers that complex of feeling unloved, I've never been in the situation often, but I understand what she feels like. Imagine someone says that they find your best friend pretty but ignores you completely, especially if it's a boy. How would you feel? That feeling hits hard. It's not simply "Oh but others shouldn't determine how pretty you actually are." While that's true, we cant help but feel bad now can we?

I STRETCHED THIS OUT YET AGAIN BAHAHHAHA BUT ANYWAYS THANK YOU SO MUCH!!

Awww look who came back to answer me hahaha ♡ I'm glad you liked my answer.

Yashiro's legs are taken to the comical side of the story, it was something built for that, but I like to point out that this actually bothers her a lot. Hanako loves her legs haha but doesn't admit it, Kou doesn't seem to care about it and he also likes (or liked) her romantically, but she didn't notice, the girl with her head in the clouds haha

Don't get angry with Mitsuba, no one escapes him hahaha no one, not even his own mother XD

In fact, your view is correct, the vast majority of things that happen to Nene are against her will, sometimes because she was too naive or because of the influence of other people. She and Kou are very similar, easily fooled by a sad or beautiful story, they are very easy to convince and manipulate. This is not stupidity, it is naivety. They act like children sometimes (not that I can ask much more than that from two teenagers) but they don't think twice before making decisions.

Nene simply swallowed a mermaid's scale without even hesitating, did she think about the consequences? That's about it.

Nene's complexes are more linked to common and more human problems compared to Kou, Mitsuba and Hanako. This explains why people don't care so much, don't these three's complexes seem to be heavier and more intense than Yashiro's? So, even if that is the case, it doesn't negate her problems. Because if she didn't have these problems she would never have summoned Hanako and the story wouldn't even exist XD

Let's see what Nene's backstory will be, I'm curious to know!

♡ ♡ ♡

[yourfriendmelanie]

i am scared to share anything, even to my therapist. i never share to anyone. i think i don't want to say things out loud because if i don't say it out loud then maybe it didn't happen, or it didn't exist. that's not true. ever since i could remember i hated my life. maybe in 2010? 2011? 2012? 2006 when my parents split? who knows. this really bad thing happened to me in 2012 i think. i do remember 12/12/12 at 12:12pm. my fifth grade teacher took a picture of our class at that exact time! i remember i hated going to school after this happened... i think. or i just didn't want to. my mother wasn't around a lot, it was usually just me and my brother, at least to my recollection. therefore, i could skip school. keep in mind i am 12. i was born in September of 2000. i was raised by so many people. i have a "broken" family. my friend that was on my volleyball team told me in seventh grade that i have a broken family. I've never forgotten that. i never thought of my family like that. i knew it was somewhat fucked up, but i knew a lot of my friends in Seattle had similar family situations. i moved to a more rural or town like, it has 10,00 people, and most families seemed picture perfect. anyway, i knew my family was fucked up but i didn't know it was thaaaat fucked. i feel like i was cursed from the beginning. i was raised by my mom and dad from ages 0-5 or 6, then just my mom from 6-12 or 13, and then living with, not raised, by my aunt, dad, and uncle. it is all fucked up. i feel like living with them has been like living a lie, but let's not talk about that right now. i have no "full" siblings. i have three half siblings. i had a full brother but he was a stillborn. i wish i could have a sibling to grow up with but i didn't. i was alone a lot. my brother was five years older than me and he was in and out of the hospital a lot and received more attention to me, obviously because of his health. it just made me sad. and made me feel unwanted. but my relationship with my mom and dad have been good. i was very mad at my mom in middle school, i was angry that she neglected me for so long and i felt like she had no remorse for that. i know it was because of mental health and i forgave her. my dad suffered from alcoholism ever since i could remember, but now as of 2024 he is six year sober. he still pisses me off but i forgive him for literally being such an absent dad, but now he is great and i love him.

i have love. I've been loved. i am loved. i give love. i do have love. haha that sounds like an affirmation, but i do believe that i have had many boyfriends and we've been in love. I've been in love, but i don't know what love is actually. i know i love dogs, and i know i love my boyfriend and i love my friends. but i do not know what a healthy relationship looks like, romantically, at all. i have never seen a healthy romantic relationship ever. my dad and my mom we're very abusive towards each other. my aunt and uncle are weird and i do not think they love each other, but have been married for over 40 years, so what do i know. i thought my boyfriend's parents had a good healthy relationship. then i found out that his dad left his mom, not while they were married, for a couple months. then he went back and they are so beautiful and funny towards each other. i still do think they have a great relationship. i am scared that i am being pulled towards men that are unhealthy, like my mother and father's relationship. i usually feel unloved and i know that that is incorrect. i am doing DBT and it has been good. i have learned so much, and have so many more coping skills. i think it has been helping my communication skills and my relationships, romantic and other. like, a lot.

i wanted to make this post on tumblr because i have always loved tumblr. when i was depressed in 2012 and 2013, tumblr helped me express myself with pictures and poetry, and i want to start sharing... whatever i want. i feel like this is a diary entry, but i promise not all of my posts will be like this.

xoxo,

mel

[abeinginsand]

:D Hi Countless! How about 2, 3, 7, 9, and 31 for Sparrow!

Heya Baba!! :] Thank you for letting me ramble about Sparrow once again hehe 2. A canon or headcanon hill I will die on

Hm, strongest thought that comes to mind is that Sparrow loves his family (especially his kids) so very much, more than himself even. Also related, Sparrow and Rebecca having Normal as an accidental pregnancy isn't something awful. Maybe I feel strongly about this because...I was an accidental baby myself? But it kinda bums me out how harsh some folks on here were being about the reveal. Unplanned does not automatically equal unloved or unwanted is all I'm trying to say I guess.

3. Obscure headcanon Sparrow has always loved playing with his food, often using the edible materials to make mini food towers or little scenes or expressions. With drinks, he likes to mix them a lot to see the colors change or to making silly shaped stains on available napkins/his clothes/other material. As an adult, he still does this--just at home or when he's relaxing in the woods/park during a break (with picnic basket). Yes, he is one of those people who will press every drink machine option to get a little of each flavor in the cup. When he was little and left alone with other people's food plates, he'd start making art out of them too! He would then pretend he didn't do anything when the person returned and watch to see the reactions. He convinced a few of his elementary school classmates the school was haunted this way. 7. Age/height/weight headcanon So I think all the kiddads are in their 30s in s2, I assume Sparrow and Lark are 35? 10 in s1 and 25 years past... speaking of years, was listening to the uncut of s2 ep 1 yesterday and one of the things cut was Anthony saying it might be 30 years instead of 25. Height wise, I think Sparrow is like 5'9 and Lark's 6'. Sparrow closes his eyes to the truth and says he is 6' anyway (even now he still likes to match in some ways). Also, Rebecca is taller than them at 6'2. I don't have any specific weight hcs outside of Sparrow probably isn't that toned compared to Lark due to different fighting styles (hand-to hand combat heavy Lark vs Long distance caster Sparrow). Still skilled in hand-to-hand combat though when necessary. 9. Scene that first made me love (or hate) the character In the first ep, when Sparrow proudly talks about his doodler mascot design and also mentioned trying better next time about setting fires at the school haha. (I interpreted that last bit to be Sparrow talking at least, may be remembering wrong). The twins introduction in general seemed so fittingly chaotic as young kid characters. Kids will do the most unusual stuff (ex. being a menace to trees) simply because...why not! seems fun! I adore the whimsy and also understand Henry's frustration and concern about their actions too. 31. If the had a tumblr what would it look like? Chaosflower as the username, probably says "a beloved wolf" in the little blog descriptor along with whatever pronouns he's feeling that week. It would look pretty and/or cool palette wise with this night sky banner that has stars, a bright moon, various soft glowing flowers, and wolves walking along the path. Which looks normal etc UNTIL you zoom in and sees the skulls and debris laying in the sand and that some of the wolves have suspiciously reddish fur and glistening teeth. Also the banner has fake constellations that make various shapes...probably characters from shows/books/podcasts etc that he likes. He is so thrilled whenever someone sends in an ask commenting on the banner and is just waiting for the opportunity to explain in great detail all the info he put into it from the setting, the wolf names, to the meaning of each flower type. He also has a wolf icon--actual picture of a wolf with a pink rose on its head and what seems to be the unfocused image of a person (probs a teen) high-fiving the wolf. He wild shaped, posed, turned back into normal self and posed on the other side, stitched the image together. Its an art blog mainly where he posts fanart including animatics and lots of silly memes probably (<-- based on the artist Sparrow hcs from the bonding with Taylor idea). I think he speaks a lot of Spanish daily (with family atleast) but mostly writes in English for school work etc. So he enjoys writing at least half of his tumblr posts in Spanish or with a mix of both languages. Probably makes wolf drawing tutorials sometimes, and of course he has a wolfsona of his own.

[casualtydept]

experiencing a particular sense of derangement today so how about an annotated walkthrough of my zeroskull playlist

there's a sort of progression to this that i intended to span their relationship as i portray it so keep that in mind. i hope you like 80s music.

this charming man - the smiths

this man said "it's gruesome, that someone so handsome should care"

my very first zeroskull fic has zero call him handsome and i shamelessly stole the idea from here. oh the romanticism of somehow finding yourself involved with an older english man who knows so much about these things...

2. unloveable - the smiths

i don't have much in my life, but take it - it's yours

sorry for all the morrissey it's not my fault he's also depressed and sexually complicated. i haven't written late 50s skull face in a while and this makes me miss him. oh you poor messed up thing.

3. love my way - the psychedelic furs

a kiss in not enough in love my way, it's a new road i follow where my mind goes

would you look at that another song about being gay. a comfy dreamy sort of feeling of falling for that older man that encourages him just to give in to all these terribly complicated feelings

4. later tonight - pet shop boys

and you wait 'til later, 'til later tonight 'cause tonight always comes

"the most gay song we've ever written" says neil tennant. i'll leave it at that

5. jack the ripper - morrissey

your face is as mean as your life has been crash into my arms, i want you you don't agree, but you don't refuse i know you

oh fuck he's back. anyway haha hope you enjoyed the sweet stuff here's one in which i compare zero to a serial killer. the "nobody knows me" lyric at the end fills my head with many thoughts. it's not zero if it isn't at least a little bit fucked up and morally questionable.

6. shake the disease - depeche mode

here is a plea from my heart to you nobody knows me as well as you do

hope you like this band as much as me or you'll be sick of them by the end of this. oh the desperation. ow oof the mortifying ordeal of being known.

7. in your room - depeche mode

i'm hanging on your words living on your breath feeling with your skin will i always be here?

be thankful i only quoted the chorus here. zero is a powerful man.

8. vampires - pet shop boys

say what you like i'll do what you want me to do you're a vampire, i'm a vampire too

the inherent romanticism of becoming strange and offputtingly wicked men who operate largely at night together

9. master and servant - depeche mode

domination's the name of the game in bed or in life, they're both just the same except in one you're fulfilled at the end of the day

i could have just quoted the whole song here. it's a lot like life!

10. stories of old - depeche mode

but we won't sacrifice anything at all to love

tfw you're totally in love but not enough to make you stop caring about controlling the global population/destroying the english language [delete as appropriate]

11. lovesong - the cure

whenever i'm alone with you you make me feel like i am whole again

i love pain and suffering.

12. love will tear us apart - joy division

love, love will tear us apart again

from the mgsv soundtrack itself. oh the misery.

13. wicked game - chris isaak

the world was on fire and no one could save me but you

[chanting] DIVORCE ERA DIVORCE ERA DIVORCE ERA. the bitterness... the longing.... the knowledge that the guy you essentially spent the last decade or more giving your life to is obsessed with some other guy and has ambitions that directly conflict with yours/make you want to murder him

14. diamonds and rust - joan baez

it's all come back too clearly yes, i loved you dearly and if you're offering me diamonds and rust i've already paid

[skull face voice] oh joan baez we're really in it now. music to drink heavily to after making a certain phone call, thumb running over the scratched metal of an authentic pin badge...

15. no children - the mountain goats

i am drowning there is no sign of land you are coming down with me hand in unlovable hand and i hope you die i hope we both die

oh you know i had to.

anyway hope you enjoyed this glimpse at what drives my insanity, i might do this for my (multiple) skull face playlists sometime but one is full of edgy bullshit + hungarian metalcore and half of my other one is just ennio morricone's dollars trilogy soundtracks lol.

[fa7hum]

Reunion of Requited

For the past year and a half living in complete love with someone who has passed away. I now understand why nanny would say the things she did about being alone after losing pawpaw. I wondered for the better part of my life why she would'nt move on because this world is such a dismal place without love. Now, having lost my girlfriend Alyvia, who was and is still my muse of an absolutely beautiful true bestfriend from the moment we met till probably forever. Nomatter where how or when I wake up everyday longing for her, (if i can even manage to sleep) | now understand why nanny had bad sleep for such an old person, lol. After hearing this news, Im grateful i know my grandmas heart very well, after countless sleepovers falling asleep to fresh prince on the airmatresses and waking up to CMT music videos every morning to get me pumped up for a great day at school! I fell in love with music because of Nanny as well as love haha which i can say proudly she created the most hopeless romantic the world has seen. Im so grateful for the countless drives we all had together mostly maymay kayla cody and I really haha. Im so glad i got to cry to her last summer after Allyvia died. I sold my car to just fly in without notice and all I could do was cry no matter what state or city I found myself lost in looking for home because the only place i felt truly ever home was with Lyv. Nothing was helping heal this pain drowning me and in all honesty i came to Florida to tell everyone i loved them and give one last goodbye because this heartbreak is literally killing me. I remember when i was much younger nanny would go out on the porch at night and look at the stars and show me which one was pawpaw, because he was always the first star to come out at night and ever since then i always see pawpaw when i look at the stars. And shed always just say i just miss pawpaw here and there and i didnt get it then but wow. I can barely get a sentence out without it having something to do with Alyvia.

If i know my grandma like i think i do, the day her spirit left the body we know she'd been waiting for that moment in awe since the day pawpaw passed away. Love has now been refurbished and thats such a very beautful thing.

I think i kissed nannys forehead before i ran off that porch last time haha and im so happy i did.

I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said

"love is blind. Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded.

The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space!

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your friends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood.

And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were once that happy. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back.

, ,jtr

xoxo

[thetiredstuff]

Hi how are you? :3 ❤️

hi!! i'm better than i was two days ago so that's something haha but yeah just feel very lonely and alone and unloved and unwanted and unseen and like I'm invisible. like there is no place for me in people's lives. been feeling like that on and off for years actually and I've been hoping for years not to feel like that but well that's not working out clearly.

i talked about you in therapy tho! about how kind and thoughtful you always are ❤️❤️❤️ how are you doing?

[mysticsapphicsblog]

heya, i don‘t know what exactly is making you feel this way and i hope this doesn‘t sound invalidating, but speaking as someone who‘s had their fair share of this sort of delusion & who got rly deep into it, but out of it too, i hope you can believe me when i say that it‘s not true, and it will never be true. seriously.

since i don‘t know what it is that‘s making you feel like this i don‘t know what to say to maybe help fix it other than that

this sort of shit is always a kind of delusion you get sucked into by specific circumstances of your life weighing down on you, but i strongly believe absolute conclusions like Maybe I Just Am Unlikeable/Unlovable are complete bullshit— that everybody thinks at times, and yet it‘s never true. everybody gets thoughts like that at multiple moments throughout their life, but, yeah, it‘s bs. especially thoughts of But It‘s Me, I‘m Different, There‘s Something Wrong With Me. there isn‘t. you are just another person. which is lovely imo, people are wonderful :‘) i think human is a very nice and beautiful thing to be, in and of itself.

for every human experience, there is at least one other person who‘s feeling exactly like you, and probably way way more than just one. we‘re just kind of wired to dip into the oh god what if it‘s Me thing. arrgh i don‘t know if this is helping sorry that it‘s kind of a mess haha

what i mean is, maybe you can take comfort in the thought that whatever it is that is making you feel inferior or insecure, there have been people before you who have lived this thing and felt this way, there are other people rn who are living these things and feeling this way, and there will be new people in the future to do the same thing. so you‘re not alone, and for every person who‘s lived this and felt this, there have been and are and will be chances, multiple, for change— that will slowly stack up until you‘re out of this again, and past it.

i hope things get better for you soon. i hope you can treat yourself to comforting self care in the meantime. i like to reread my favorite fanfics or rewatch my favorite movie. tea. blankets. showers! even if the shower sucks, the clean feeling after is worth it.

i‘m rambling, so i‘m gonna end it here. i really hope something helped :| don’t feel bad if it wasn‘t a magic cure though. i hope it just helped a little bit, but if it didn‘t, please don‘t feel hopeless. people are receptive to different things, and there are still plenty of other things you can come across that can help you much better. sorry if this wasn‘t that helpful ♥︎ (<-not as a guilt thing but as a feeling thing, a compassion thing) and i hope if so you will find one or more of the other options soon.

i‘m rooting for you :‘) but don‘t feel pressured to improve fast or whatever (i would have during my shitty time. i wouldve been like omg otherwise i‘m not worth it (i already am not!! if only they knew what worthless scum they are being kind to) shit what should i do with this) — but you don‘t have to do anything. i‘m rooting for you for this shit time to fuck off soon no matter what. just like that.

anywayyy

bye bye! hope to see you again on my dash, whenever it should be that you want to post :‘) and that this was as nice to receive as i hope lmao

I'm sorry for the horrendously late response anon, I remember reading this when you sent it and it really made me feel better. It's funny that I stumbled across it again now because I feel much the same way at the moment, I'm going through a really rough time.

So thank you for whenever you wrote this anon because it means so much to me 🩷🩷

[willkimurashat]

I've just read your appreciation post for your writing and even though I have not read your work yet, I am really looking forward to it.

I am so pleased that you shared your story as it's truly inspirational and will be to so many other writers, people starting out and the ones who have not dared to try.

I imagine that you write with your heart and soul telling stories that truly engage people.

For my job I have to read a lot. Text and theory books, non-fiction and fiction.

While the academic books have their place, they also sit on my bookshelf mostly ignored, unloved and only picked up to reference or for instruction.

As most have no personality and will never be finished let alone read over again.

Creative writing and especially storytelling bring life to the possibility of other lives, worlds and places not seen, heard or felt. They provide the reader with an escape, give hope and a love that's fully immersive and a true gift.

I am new to Tumblr but have now started reading fiction for pleasure again and that's something I haven't done for a long time.

If you have felt emotional with their feedback you are feeling their joy and appreciation back to you.

So please accept my gratitude, you are amazing and thank you for sharing your gift.

Gawww that's a very kind thing to say!!! Thank you so much for your words!

I read a lot of academic textbooks for my studies currently, and can't wait to finally get back into reading more fiction (which is definitely way more fun and relaxing haha). But I'm really glad I discovered the world of fanfiction in this fandom - everyone here is incredibly talented and amazing, and not to mention very supportive of others!!

Of course, I'm not some world-renowned author, but I do find writing to be therapeutic and a great outlet for myself. I don't know how I made myself actually start writing, but I think I just needed some escapism from the shitty things that were happening in my life (and still do), so it gave me something to focus my attention on instead. And yes, definitely, writing and reading is probably the best way to develop empathy, when we put ourselves in the shoes of our characters❤

Anyways, thank you again for this ask, it's very lovely!🥰🥰🥰

[astraldoesart]

🙈, 🙊, 🙉, and 🌱 for Lucien, Zakai, and the Reitz siblings plz? Sorry if thats too much haha

That's not too much! Just gotta figure a way to get this all down! And because this is gonna be loooong lets put this under a cut!

🙈 SEE-NO-EVIL - whats a side of your oc that they don't want to show other people?

Zakai doesn't want anyone to see her as emotional. She's scared of people leaving her or hurting her again, she wants to avoid that so she doesn't really let anyone see that. See her vulnerable and sad and guilty. Anger, for her, is more okay for others to see but mostly she tries her best to be cold and logical. Which is not her default.

Lucien mostly isn't one who hides a lot, what you see is what you get. Mostly. Lucien tends to hide his feelings of inferiority, fear, jealousy, and guilt behind this mask of "I'm a Tybur so I'm better than everyone". He's not really one who apologizes either, much to Zakai's chagrin.

Valentina hides a lot behind flirting and attention from romantic partners. Valentina has abandonment issues, after all, made worse by Zakai leaving. So. She dates around, it never goes past a 3rd date at most. And thats if the person is lucky, really. She's cold and detached because she doesn't want anyone to leave. Valentina is just scared of being left alone, of having to step up again and again. Of being in charge of everyone else.

Melissa doesn't want anyone to consider her insecure or unattractive, she wants attention and she wants to be loved. Thats all. The idea that she's unlovable is a fear so strong it can cripple her. Dear god she just needs a nice woman to show her that she's so loved and so pretty.

Selina doesn't want anyone to see her as afraid, very specifically. Selina got used to being strong for Melissa and Soren, much like Zakai and Valentina, so the idea of being scared just feels like disappointing those shes most protective over.

Soren wants everyone to be happy and he appreciates how everyone in the family is particularly worried for him. However, hes scared. He's scared that those within the family are breaking down and apart and it terrifies him more than any Marleyan's judgement. He wants his family safe and happy.

🙊 SPEAK-NO-EVIL - what is something your oc will refuse to stay quiet about?

There isn't anything particularly that Zakai is vocal about, shes a rather quiet person.

Lucien will not shut up about being a Tybur. Again, uses that fact as a safety blanket/mask and also to convince himself that him being born wasn't a mistake like his father insists.

Valentina, like Zakai, isn't vocal about a whole lot. Shes pretty reserved and quiet most of the time.

Melissa is very, very vocal about how cool Selina is. How pretty and talented she is. Melissa is Selina's own cheering squad. Much to Selina's annoyance (but also Selina loves Melissa for her, cheering squad included).

Selina is only vocal about the fact that if you target her family, you best run. She is willing to beat the absolute shit out of anyone who hurt her family. Mostly, though, she will match whatever the person did except tenfold. Someone insulted Melissa? Selina gonna make em cry.

Soren is vocal about becoming a Warrior, following Zakai's footsteps and being "just like her". Well, until he gets the Paradis (s4) experience that is. Then he's vocal about that if everyone just keeps killing each other, what will be left?

🙉 HEAR-NO-EVIL - what is the worse thing your oc could hear from someone?

For Zakai, the worst thing would be that she's the black sheep of her family. The outcast, the only one who doesn't belong. She feels it so strongly and, once upon a time, someone did tell her that. Valentina did, in fact.

The worst thing anyone could say to Lucien is that he is a mistake, that he should've never been born and that all he's ever done to hurt everyone around him. Especially after Willy dies.

For Valentina, its gotta be someone saying goodbye again. Especially when theres a chance they'll die. Oh. Wait. S4 Zakai >:)

Melissa's would be to tell her that no one will ever love her because all she does is fail. Which. No one tell this poor soul. She's just a babygirl :(

Selina on the other hand? Failing to protect her family. She just wants to protect them so anyone telling her she failed that? Oof poor sweetheart.

For Soren, the worst thing one could say is no doubt related to Zakai. His worst fear is failing her so. That. But also he's babey too so don't do that.

🌱 SEEDLING - what is their most vivid memory from childhood?

Zakai remembers two things most vividly. The memory where Lucien betrayed her, implying that he'd tell Marley that she was a traitor. She didn't even think, just begged him not to. Think Scar and Simba. Zakai ended up running, just like Lucien wanted. The other memory is one with Valentina, where she betrayed Zakai. Valentina had slammed Zakai against the wall, actually punched Zakai too. Told her, basically, to "go die for Marley then".

Lucien's most vivid of memories is probably the one where he met Damien and was taken in by the Tyburs, taken away from his mom at only 6 years old. For Lucien, he never thought that it was too much. After all, he doesn't have a good relationship with Adele (despite her attempts).

Selina and Melissa's most vivid memory is the same memory, suiting for a set of Twins, eh? It was the day Zeke came back, having just gotten his titan alongside his rank. He had to explain to the family that Zakai was "sent on a mission early". Selina had shut down while Melissa ran to Valentina, sobbing and crying about wanting Zakai back. It was a painful day for the entire family.

Soren's memory was of Zakai. Of how kind and friendly she was, having just taken a break in her training and teaching him the very same things that he saw Adele teaching her. It was what motivated Soren to be a Warrior the second he could. Years later, he started to train for the Aberrant Titan.

You can find the ask game here!

[zenlesszonezero]

Join Zenless Zone Zero with Tsukishiro Yanagi, the deputy leader of Hollow Special Operations Section 6! Beneath her ordinary office lady exterior lies a meticulous, emotionally intelligent big sister to the team.

[russeliarat]

I like you very much! If you suddenly disappeared, I would be distressed and upset and if you stayed away for long, I would be devastated. (I’m being serious. I’m I writer and I don’t use words lightly.)

It sounds like you are believing a lot of lies about yourself: that you exist to hurt people, that no one would miss you if you left, that you have to deal with troubles alone, that the emotions of other people are more important than yours… these are all lies. It sounds like you already recognize that in your head but your heart has yet to be convinced.

I want to tell you that there is hope. As time passes your heart will learn the truths: that you are loved, that you deserve care and comfort, that people do value you and would miss you if you left, that you are not alone, that your life and your existence does NOT hurt people but it enriches their lives. It will take a while for your heart to know these truths: weeks, months, even years, but it will happen. I have hope that it will, I am confident that it will, I KNOW that it will someday come to pass.

I know this because I was there once. I’ve been to that hell too and I’ve made it out alive.

When I was a kid, I grew up in a dysfunctional household with abusive and neglectful guardians that were not my parents. My guardians and my siblings were all neurodivergent but no one knew how because my guardians believed that “there was no such thing” as anxiety or autism or OCD etc. I was so weird that I had no friends. And I used to think that I was unlovable, that no one cared about me, or seek out my company or value what I have to say and that no one would ever remember my name

Eventually, I graduated high school and left that toxic place and traveled far away and made my own way in the world. And as I’ve gone on, I’ve met nicer, better people who DID learn and remember my name, who invited me to hang out, who stayed by me in hard times. And slowly I learned the truths, that it was possible for someone to love or care about me, that my life was worth something, that I have value. It’s taken years, but I have mostly worked my way from believing lies to believing truths.

I’ve come a long way but I’m not all the way there yet. I often interact on anon because I’m afraid people won’t like me as much anymore if they knew what my main blog was. I know that’s not true in my head, but my heart isn’t quite convinced yet. But I know the day will come when I am comfortable enough to reveal myself (or I’ll accidentally forget to hit “anon” in the ask box, haha).

Thank you for sharing a little of what you’re going through. Thanks for letting us know so we could help carry your burden. No one can do life alone. I don’t know about everyone else, but I know that I like you too much to let you try.

And yes, as the other person said, it is truly an honor and a privilege to meet you. I am so glad that I found you. You are an utter delight to know. Even though you’re going through a hard time and things are messy and confusing, know that no matter what you think or feel or believe, no matter what anyone else tells you…

You are worth knowing.

And you are so very loved.

I have more to say, but I am petsitting for someone and have to go feed their cats and their guinea pig. But I’ll be back later. I’ll be here for you everyday for as long as you need even if it is forever.

There is always hope!

~ 🌲

P.S. And look at that! Linked Universe just updated! And it is a happy and hopeful update indeed!

You're such a sweet person, Evergreen, I'm glad you're out of that situation now. It's terrible when you feel that there's no one in your corner, even worse when it's family on top of friends (or lack thereof) who seem to ridicule you. It leaves such a lasting impression, it shapes your entire being, which has always felt so unfair. Never feel like we won't still adore you for being you, but also never feel pressured to reveal yourself - do what feels right for you, love.

Honestly, I just hope it gets better than it has been, I want to return to normal soon. I only have 3 or so months until I'm out of my school and onto something better hopefully.

Sorry, I don't have much to say right now, it's been a lot to fathom all this love and support. I just don't know where to store it in my head right now lol. I read this like literally 12 hours ago and had to sit on it because I had school and then just didn't know what to say lol

(P.S. This was the first thing I woke up to this morning and so I rushed over to the LU blog to see the update. It's made me feel better lol, thanks! It's just everything I need right now.)

((P.P.S. I saw all the hearts and love ask and I think I might just keep it in my inbox for harder times ^^))

[vampogger]

🦷

[equizona]

Can I have a request of reaction hcs of gn mc having like 13 other younger siblings?How would you think the bros would react lol

˗ˏˋ LUCKY NUMBER ´ˎ˗

— CHARACTER'S?: Lucifer, Mammon, Leviathan, Satan, Asmodeus, Beelzebub, Belphegor

— A/NOTE?: A) You said younger so I'm assuming MC is the oldest of the bunch. B) 13 is considered a 'unlucky' number, I did a word play on that for the title haha

➸ LUCIFER

Welcome to the older siblings, MC.

He is very interested in hearing about your siblings, if you wish to share. He would certainly like to meet all of them. He is curious on how you handle all of them. He can barely handle the six brothers he has, you have over double.

➸ MAMMON

Whoa, that's a lot!

He adores his brothers more than anything, and he is sure you do too so he is more than happy to listen to any stories you wanna share with him. Makes him feel part of your family.. He remembers all of them by name by now, but don't mention that because he will get flustered.

➸ LEVIATHAN

That's straight from an anime!

Seriously though, he wants to know if you're life is anything like an anime with that many of you. Tell him all the fun stories! He will settle you down to watch anime revolving around big sibling groups. Maybe that can remind you of home!

➸ SATAN

You have thirteen siblings?

He knows how birth works, so if they're all biological then Satan feels bad for the birth mother(s). Even so, he is interested in hearing how growing up was for you. How did you manage with so many? Did you ever feel unloved or alone? He wants all the details. For science. He just wants to know more about you.

➸ ASMODEUS

You have how many!?

Gosh, he can barely deal with six of them let alone thirteen. Do you ever get any beauty sleep? That must have been a nightmare! You poor, poor human. You probably never got a proper bath time. Let's do it now! He's condescending about it, but not on purpose.. even so..

➸ BEELZEBUB

He is happy to hear you have a big family.

He would to hear all about your family. He might even share some stories you haven't heard of the brothers yet, in return. He, much like Mammon, has memorized all your siblings by now and is very eager to meet them someday.

➸ BELPHEGOR

That sounds like a nightmare.

How do you deal? Being the eldest, too. You must have lost so much sleep over the years. He can't imagine having to lose sleep. That's his worst nightmare. But don't worry, MC, he'll make sure you get caught up on all the sleep you lost.. Despite that attitude, he listens when you talk about them. Quietly keenly, too.

[dazed--xx]

So Far Away

Request: Can you do one with yoongi where you go to studio bc he's been practically living there & doesnt spend time with u even in his days off and u feel kinda neglected & u go and tell him to take a break & spend time with u and he says something like work is more important & to leave him alone & so you go and after that he regrets it but keeps working but he doesnt realise until a few days that you havent texted him or visit him & he panicks & goes to see u & u can go from there haha please & thanks!

Member: Yoongix Reader

Genre: Angst

Word Count: 2,603

Trigger Warning: getting yelled at, neglect, accidentally getting hit with a chair and a door, anything else that can be a trigger

A/N: soo this has been sitting in my requests for a long ass time and im so sorry to to the requester. I AM SO FREAKING HAPPY TO HAVE THIS ON MY MASTERLIST TBH these kinds of requests or prompts are like OG prompts like any decent writer has this prompt on their page for Yoongi and I am so happy to be added to that. and since im editing this after the fact lol >.< i love that you guys are enjoying this.

At the studio don’t wait up x  

I scroll up in the conversation, seeing an endless amount of similar texts. Honestly when was the last time I saw Yoongi? I thought to myself; don’t wait up not an I love you, not an how are you? I’m tired. Tired of being alone. Tired of being pushed to the side.

This wasn’t what you signed up for, Yes I knew he would be busy; he made that VERY clear in the first few months of your now 4 year relationship.  

But unlike your best friend, Jennie; who’s anniversary with Namjoon was the same as your own. I spent it alone, which normally I wouldn’t care—except for the fact that he already forgot your birthday, valentine's day, new year's, Christmas and every other holiday for the past year. Random mindless days spent in bed only for him to rush off to the studio the minutes after unloading himself into you.  

I sighed, typing in a short blunt K. I backspace the letter, Fine Yoongi you don’t want to come to me ill come to you. I decide pulling myself out of bed, I knew I really shouldn’t just show up to his studio. The few times I have without an invitation only led to an argument, yet I didn’t care; You’d rather him scream and yell at you anything but this emotionless, unloving stoic persona.  

Grabbing your coat and keys. Maybe he fell out of love with you, I thought; my heart aching in my chest at the thought. You could remember a time where he literally wanted to spend every second with you. Days spent in the studio him silently producing with you seated next to him; his hand reaching over every once in a while, grasping your thigh with a smug smirk. He’d slowly lose interest in the art he was making. His focus on you, and you only.  

Deciding to get food, I pulled into the store. My lip comes between my teeth, hesitation in my steps as you stare at the simple store Yoongi and I have come to a lot. I’ve been coming alone a lot recently. Finally making your way inside grabbing 2 instant ramens. The lady behind the register gave me a small sad smile. “I haven’t seen you around with that Yoongi boy recently, did you guys break up?” Tears well in your eyes at the statement, you shook your head. “H-he’s been busy with work” I plaster a small smile on my face. She nods curtly sadness still in her gaze.  

The tears fall as I sit in my drivers seat. Hands gripping the steering wheel, knuckles turning white as the sobs release from my chest.  

________________________________________________________________

Once the studio was in my view my breath grew shaky. Walking through the door, trembling I saw Hoseok heading toward the exit behind me. “Noona? Hey” he smiles brightly. “You looking for Hyung? Are you okay?” he asks concern growing on his features as he observes the dry tears on my face. I nod simply taking a small bow and walking toward Yoongi’s studio.  

I bring my hand to the keypad, fingers hesitating and hovering over it. A sigh releases from my lips. Knocking on the door softly, through the distorted glass I could see his figure toss his headphones onto the desk; forcing himself up and pulling the door open.  

I took in his angry expression before it fell as he took in my appearance. “Y/N? A-are you okay? did something happen?” He asked concerned his hand wiping tears I didn’t realize were falling. I shake my head. “I just wanted to see you” a small smile appearing on my face. His eyebrows scrunch together a scowl forming. “Im working like I told you” He states rolling his eyes storming back into the studio. I follow behind him my hand reaching up and stopping the door before he could slam it in my face. A sharp pain shooting through it as I close the door behind me.  

“I can just be quiet you wouldn’t even know im here-” “-So why fucking be here at all?” he cuts me off bluntly. “I told you I have shit to do. Just go home I'll call you later” “Yoongi you can't be serious.... I just want to spend time with you I haven't seen you in a long time you just got back from a tour, so I haven't seen you or even heard from you properly for almost a year” I squeak, my bottom lip returning between my teeth as I feel the tears pooling in my eyes.  

“Are you done being dramatic?” He asks an emotionless expression growing on his face. “Being dramatic?” I whisper to myself. “You saw me please just go, im having a hard time focusing as it is and I don’t need you distracting me” He turned back to his keyboard. My feet find themselves bringing me toward him; wrapping my arms around his neck from behind. “Please I brought some food can we just eat together and I'll go home.” I whisper. He pulls my arms from around him.  

“FUCKING LEAVE Y/N!!!!! I TOLD YOU I AM FUCKING BUSY I ALREADY ATE AND I DONT NEED YOU DISTRACTING ME FROM THE ONLY THING IMPORTANT IN MY LIFE” The force of his chair connecting with my abdomen sending me to the ground clutching my stomach from the pain. The tears flowing freely, I refuse to look at Yoongi bringing myself off the ground and rushing toward the door.  

I can feel his hand wrap itself around my wrist as I grip the handle. “Y/N, I-I" He whispers, “What. Im leaving you alone like you asked” I state bluntly staring at the silver handle in my hands. “Are you okay?” His voice laced with concern. “You should get back to work I'll see you later” My voice breaking “J-just tell me if you're okay” He whispers “fuck...... please......”  

I pull his studio door open forcing my wrist from his grip he fights to hold on. “No.....I-Im not okay and I haven't been for a long time” I state my voice shaking. “Goodbye Min Yoongi” I state finally looking at him, a confused look on his face “W-what? N-no you’re hurt let me he-” “It's fine hope you figure out what’s been troubling you” I cut him off, finally pulling myself away from in front of his studio door. I knew he wouldn’t follow me; our relationship wasn’t public and he had a reputation to uphold. “Y/N!” I could hear him call from behind me. The sound of his voice bringing me to pick up my pace rushing toward the exit.  

________________________________________________________________

My phone rang for the 4th time in the past 10 minutes. Signaling what was probably Yoongi’s two hundredth call to me I have not answered in the past three days. I pause in reaching for my phone as his subsequent text message comes through. Quickly swiping them away, “Tsk answer the poor boy” My mother states “Imagine his worry when he came home and you were gone” I roll my eyes at her statement  

“Imagine my worry when he doesn’t want to spend time with me at all after barely being able to see him after he got off a 6-month world tour, imagine my worry when after him being back for 3 months and I still haven't even physically seen him and I find out the tour is over because im on weverse and Big Hit releases a statement. Imagine my worry when he tells me the only thing important in his life is his work on our anniversary. He didn’t care I wasn’t there he’s fine probably happy he doesn’t have a huge distraction anymore” I state between clenched teeth.

“He doesn’t care? Is that why he’s been calling you relentlessly? Is that why he called me in tears asking if I knew where you were?” “Eomma...tell me you didn’-” The frantic doorbell ringing cut me off. “Traitor” I whisper under my breathe pouting. My mother smacking the back of my head as she walks to the door. “Tsk hit me all you want doesn’t change that its true” She chuckles sticking her tongue out at me.  

I rush up the stairs, locking the bedroom door behind me. “Y/N!......... Sorry Eomeoni” I hear Yoongi shout as his footsteps bang loudly as he rushes up the steps. Sitting on my bed I hear the handle jiggling as he tried to open the door. “Y-y/n....please just- fuck" His voice is hoarse I can hear the tears in it. “Please.....I-I just want to see you” He begs. I blink the tears away, “I just wanted to see you” I state to myself “I know........I know please........you know how stupid I can be” He cries “D-don’t do this to me please yoongi go home” “NO! Don’t tell me to go home you can tell me im an idiot, that you're mad at me, that you hate me but please don’t tell me to leave” He begs his voice shaking. “I c-can't do this right now please just go” I beg.  

The door begins shaking as I hear him trying to force it open. “Please! Please! Fuck don’t do this to me let me fix this please im sorry im so fucking sorry please” He begs. His body connecting with the door. “Yoongi stop! Youre gonna hurt yourself” “Yoongi-ssi” My mother calls softly, I could hear the understanding in her tone.  

“Im not fucking loosing you...not like this” He says defeated “I’ll leave but I’ll be back. Reply to me at least.... Don’t give up on me please”  

I could hear the front door, then a soft knock “He’s gone” my mother states softly. I sob into my pillow.  

________________________________________________________________

It took another 2 days for me gain the courage to speak to Yoongi. It's taken me an hour to open his contact, it's taken me 10 minutes of panicking to press the call button. When his face lights up the screen, phone vibrating wildly in my hand. Pressing the green button, “Y-you answered” He sighs, “Fuck you have no idea how-I miss you please just come home” He cries, my voice lost from the moment his raspy tired tone reached my ears. My throat dry as my eyes grew wet “Y/N? Hello?” He called out worried “Please I just want to talk, see you im so sorry I didn’t mean to forget-” “It doesn’t matter anymore Yoongi-ssi" “Y-yes it does it always matters” he cuts you off.  

“N-no it doesn’t you made it clear, Yoongi-ssi" I state holding back tears. “I-I” He stutters “P-please just tell me how to fix this” “There’s nothing to fix” releasing a sigh my heart tightens “Lets.....break up” “Y/N! NO! WAIT-” I end the call. My phone vibrating, yoongi’s photo taking over the screen.  

Missed call from Min Yoongi

New Message from Min Yoongi  

Please tell me how I can fix this, don’t do this I know I fucked up but please I can't lose you. I love you; I’ll do anything please just don’t break my heart like this.  

To: Min Yoongi

You ended things a while ago, im just making it official.  

New Message from Min Yoongi

I love you I don’t want to end it.  

To: Min Yoongi

It's too late

New Message from Min Yoongi

I'll do anything please don’t say that it's too late, you love me. I know you do please just talk to me. If you tell me to my face that were over then I'll accept it but I need to at least try I know I didn’t fight for you that night but I am now can't that mean something.

To: Min Yoongi  

Seutaeli, 11 am tomorrow

New Message from Min Yoongi

I'll be there. I love you thank you

________________________________________________________________

My hand shook as I pulled the café door open. Yoongi eyes on me the second I walk through the door. My heart in my throat as I take in his appearance for the first time since that night. His eyes are red tears staining his face. I could see him swallow his coffee roughly. His eyes drifting back to the table, his hand playing with his hair, a trait he only had when nervous.  

He stands meeting me halfway, his arms wrapping around my waist tightly. My eyes widen, “Y-yoongi-ssi you don’t have a mask on, someone could see” “let them see” He states his face tucking into my neck. Im frozen, I can hear him inhaling my scent as I try to pull away “Please, if this is the last time just let me have this” He begs. I awkwardly wrap my arms around his neck. He sighs longingly. “p-please tell me this isn't the last time”  

“I don’t know Yoongi-ssi" “I hate that you’re calling me that, so formal” He pulls his face away, his finger brushing over my bottom lip. “C-can I-” I pull his hand off “Yoongi-ssi” I stare at him knowingly. “Let them see I don’t care” He argues. “I don’t think it would be appropriate” I whisper. He nods disappointedly, I stare at the crowded café. “I-if you want to talk somewhere privately, I've reserved a room at a hotel nearby” He stutters anxiously. I nod.  

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The drive was silent, Yoongi’s hand gripping mine the entire ride. His eyes never leaving my face as if he was trying to remember it. The elevator was filled with both awkward and sexual tension. Yoongi held you at his side, grip tightening every time you tried to pull away.  

When we finally got into his room, the smell of alcohol hits your nose. “S-sorry I didn’t plan on bringing you here.” He says embarrassed picking up the mess. “M-make--” he trips on one of his shirts on the ground a chuckle is released from my chest. “Make yourself comfortable anywhere” he says embarrassed lifting himself up. I nod and sit on the couch.  

We sit in silence for a long time. His eyes never leaving my face after he sat down. “D-do you really want to break up?” He asks meekly. I shake my head “No, but I can't keep doing this” “You won't, I can change I-I'll do anything for you, you mean everything to me” The tears threatening to fall from his eyes. “You said I was a distraction......that your work was the only important thing in your life” He shook his head rapidly as tears streamed down his face “I didn’t mean that you know I didn’t mean that” He drops in front of you, taking your hands into his own.  

“I didn’t mean it” He states again, tone serious; his eyes pleading for you to believe him. His hand releasing yours to wipe the tear off your face. “Please don’t cry, I can't take it” His voice is desperate. “Please don’t...I know it's hard being with me, and I don’t deserve another chance but I need you to know im sorry and I can't lose you”  

My tears flow freely “Please....I'll take a break; we can do anything you want please stay with me.” He brushes his lips against mine, I pull my head back slightly. His hand caresses my face, my lip traps itself between my teeth. His free hand caresses the outside of my thigh. I can feel the wetness growing. Our eyes meet briefly “It's been so long since I've kissed you” he whispers. His bottom lip wedging between his teeth.  

His eyes focusing only on my lips.