#as opposed to just about 90% of the social interactions i partake in which involve me sitting alone and being ignored | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

yay-depression · 2 years ago

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thinking unhappy thoughts at 1 am except these can’t even be categorized into the “no feelings past 4pm in winter are real” bc it wasn’t inherently a negative thought it was a positive thought which upon saying aloud sounded really fucking sad

#i was thinking about how nice it was to meet someone i met this past week #and how great it felt and how i felt like we clicked so instantly #and then i was like #‘huh wonder why most social interactions feel this good to me?’#and then i realized the difference was that this person actively introduced themselves to me and started conversation #as opposed to just about 90% of the social interactions i partake in which involve me sitting alone and being ignored #until i stand up and try and butt into some of my friends conversations in some way #anyways just thinking about how very few people seem to want to interact with me #nothing like real world experiences feeding into the deep-seeded belief i have that i’m inherently unloveable #and also that i’m inherently annoying but everyone is just too nice to tell me #i am not joking when i say i genuinely have trauma from being a neurodivergent person in the midwest #going from a life of ‘if people don’t like me they will tell me’ to ‘everyone seems to not like me but won’t say anything’#as a child was a traumatic experience and created intense feelings of inadequacy and trust issues #which i was already really vulnerable to bc i was emotionally abused as a kid #so combine having a dad who says everything you do is wrong no matter how hard you try #with friends who refuse to say what you’re doing wrong but will hold grudges against it and will be mad at you for it #but every time you ask them they say ‘no we’re not mad!’#plus literally like a decade of me trying to make friends in this fucking hellhole of a town and getting basically nothing but laughed at #and you can see why having a good social interaction for once is actually really fucking upsetting #because HOLY SHIT is that what life is SUPPOSED TO BE??#you’re telling me most interactions i have with people make me feel bad not bc i have social anxiety but because i’m giving it 110%#and i’m getting back maybe 10%???#anyways it’s wishing i didn’t live in this shithole place with these shitty people hours #and wishing the world was fucking nicer to me when i was a kid bc it was so rough for 13 year old me for no goddamn reason #every day is another day of realizing i literally didn’t have a time in my life when things weren’t falling apart #until i was literally 17 #kristen

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