#feeling frustrated tonight
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#feeling frustrated tonight#i was supposed to go do a new thing#but it’s Fucking Storming in a way that i didn’t really feel safe going out and driving around to a place i’ve never been before#so after gearing myself up for it all day i flaked#and didn’t go#which i HATE doing#i used to do it a lot in my early twenties because depression and social anxiety#and i have mostly trained myself out of it#so i feel Real Bad about it when i do give in#also i’ve had this shitty low-grade headache for several days now#pretty sure it’s weather related (see aforementioned Fucking Storm)#and i am also super not feeling the Beginner Mind space i am stuck in w/ piano rn#like i have only been doing this for… six-ish months? i am not supposed to be Good yet#but i really committed to practicing every day in the new year#and so it FEELS like i should just be able to sit down and *play* now#which spoiler: i cannot#and rationally i get it#but emotionally i am having a temper tantrum#and i’m tired and there’s always too much too do#and no one has commented on my new fic which of course feels like no one likes it#so then it’s just like well why the fuck did i even bother writing it and should i even bother writing anything else#or will no one care about that either#and yeah i’m just whining and yes i know i need some ibuprofen and some dinner probably#but like ugh#and it’s only fuckin tuesday
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they were sleeping together at this point
#fr i think Cas was in Dean's room many of those nights + just hanging out even if they only talked/sat in silence + watching him sleep#like that is my goggles-off version#goggles on i think they were fucking on the nights cas was in the bunker both when things were looking up + when antsy and frustrated..#like when Dean comes back from purgatory pissed they lost Gabriel…#Castiel like… ok not getting laid tonight but is so glad he’s back…. + Dean is glad to be back even though he feels so guilty…#nice to be in his own bed in his own room + not the dirt with fucking ketch of all people!!#misses his bed… misses his pillow… even though he can’t sleep#but Cas is there to talk to him… or just sit in silence until he finally crashes..#whatever man#supernatural#dean winchester#castiel
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I think this perspective is mainly informed by living for the majority of my life in red states, where the touch of a democratic federal government was rarely ever felt, but here’s a tip:
We all need to stop relying on presidents to save us. I’m not saying don’t vote, I voted! I vote in every election, not just the presidential election. But look at it this way. Migrants were still being detained in border prisons along the Mexico-US border under Biden. Obama saw us through war in the Middle East. The Supreme Court overturned Roe v Wade under Biden. States have continued to restrict eligibility for Medicaid and other welfare programs. Many southern states have become essentially inhospitable to trans life. The wheel of fascism doesn’t stop turning just because someone wearing a blue tie is sitting at a fancy desk. I am not talking about whether or not it will be “worse” or “better”, whether the wheel turns slowly or quickly. I am talking about the fact that the United States government is inherently a destructive and oppressive system, and no one person can change that.
The communities we form to defend ourselves and each other from a fascist state cannot be based off of or beholden to who is in the Oval Office. Go to that pro-Palestine event, volunteer your time with local grassroots organizations that matter to you, show up to that school district meeting where they talk about transgender students. When the cops show up at your house, Kamala won’t help you. The neighbor who comes over in her pajamas and robe to back you up will. When you can’t afford your medications, and you’re ineligible for your state’s Medicaid, there is not a democratic president in that moment who will fix this for you. Maybe it’s on their docket, but for right now, you’re broke and need those meds. You’re better off knowing what phone number you need to call to have a public health worker scrounge up some vouchers and coupons for you.
If the public transportation system in your city sucks, go find out who is in charge of that and bother them about it. If you are worried about over policing in your community, find a local abolition group and see what they want to do about it. If there isn’t one, find another leftist organization and stir up interest. If you’re seeing a lot of homeless people on your way to work, find out what’s wrong with the shelters and if there’s anyone you can support who is trying to fix it.
I feel like a lot of people associate the term “mutual aid” with cashapp links. Or they think that hating the current political system is all you need to be a leftist. If you don’t connect with your community, online or in person, through one form of political action or many, you will never see the revolution you’re waiting for. You’ll never know that change, good or bad, is happening all around you if you only count it when it happens due to a new presidential administration. It’s ok to fret! I’m worried!! I’m worried about the presidency and Congress and the Supreme Court. But realistically, there’s not a ton most individuals can do about that. I cannot make my vote count toward the presidency from within my red state. But I can improve my local community by knowing what the propositions at the bottom of my ballot mean.
#kieran reaches out into the void#feeling slightly frustrated w the dash tonight gang#politics#election 2024
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Mitch Marner Media Availability | 01.20.24
#toronto maple leafs#mitch marner#hockeyedit#egifs#2324#leafs lb#mitch marner how does it feel to be liek. the hottest leaf lkfdsjklf#its killing me how good he looks#seems more frustrated n short tonight but flkdjsf#cant tell if thats in response to last times discourse or jsut. a more frustrating loss but#I LVOE HIMMMMM#his nose.... when he tilts his head back and looks down at ppl... waiting for their question..... i would CRUMBLE#im weak#ik no one cares abt lookin at him liek i do but fukc man
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I dunno why when it's radiostatic then I'm either indifferent or sometimes, rarely as it is, even like top!Alastor but when it's radioapple then even a thought about top!Alastor and bottom!Lucifer makes me wanna to gouge my eyes out haha
Samsies, Anon XD When it comes to radiostatic, I don't mind top!Alastor. I've actually like it on a few occasions of Alastor domming Vox. It's delicious. It's exquisite. Very yummy.
I think its the fandom-wide depiction of top!Alastor and bottom!Lucifer that turns me off from that dynamic. With Vox, Alastor gets to be more himself. He's not turned into this super suave alpha male dude (probs because Vox already fits that bill LMAO). Alastor gets to keep his fun and silly characteristics. I've seen more fan art of Alastor in a dress in radiostatic than radioapple, and I would like to thank the radiostatic community for contributing to my health. Thank you for putting my pookie in a dress, he looks amazing and beautiful just like he should.
And Vox gets to be his silly self too. He's still a boyfail. He's a mess. He's suave and charming, but obsessive and goofy at the same time. They match each other's freak.
From what I've seen, radiostatic typically feels closer to their canon counterparts than a lot of radioapple, which might be why I've been so drawn to radiostatic lately.
Their dynamic is so much more complicated and interesting than a lot of radioapple too, which is INSANE because Lucifer is literally the King of Hell, a prideful son of bitch, and an insecure, depressed mess who's been shown to despise Sinners. Alastor is a silly, girlpop, murderous Overlord who's rise to power is a mystery to EVERYONE (that should've been also impossible considering the assumption that he killed the other Overlords), he had an immediate dislike towards Lucifer that was never explained or expanded on, AND he's slowly been driven to (more) insanity because someone owns his soul, and that someone could very well be Lilith, Lucifer's ex-wife. THESE TWO ARE SUCH TASTY, COMPLICATED CHARACTERS AND RADIOAPPLE SHOULD BE THE TASTIEST OF SHIPS.
And yet, they're starting to feel like the oatmeal of ships. Bland and boring.
Don't get me wrong, I DO like radioapple. I do. I promise. I wouldn't be writing radioapple fanfic if I didn't. But it is hard to find enjoyment in the ship when most of what I see turns the characters into tropes and caricatures that strip them of all their tastiest qualities.
#am I feeling salty tonight?#I think I'm feeling salty tonight#I just woke up I shouldnt be this bitter#siiiiigh#radioapple do be tasting more like flavorless oatmeal the more I interact with the ship#these two should be the TASTIEST ship in the fandom#WHY DO THEY LACK SO MUCH SPICE??????#why are they so BORING#why isn't their messiest and most toxic flaws explored????#WHY DO THEY CONTINUE TO STRIP ALASTOR OF HIS GIRLYPOP I SWEAR TO GOD THATS WHAT MAKES THE MOST ANGRY#and I know people won't enjoy my radioapple depictions either#this isnt me saying that my depictions are superior to anyone elses#I just find the fandon-wide characterization of these two frustration#Radiostatic my beloved#out here saving my sanity#radiostatic#radioapple#appleradio#Staticradio#asks#anon#anonymous
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i will never forgive the CDC for creating a world where [redacted] from HR gets to force people with covid to return to the office after one (1) day.
#abby.txt#I won’t say his name even tho I’m sure he doesn’t even know what tumblr is#it’s good to keep a separation between this place and my professional life anyways but like#feeling frustrated in this Chili’s tonight
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I hate when i start crying and i just keep tearing up for a while after even tho i stopped?? I just cant stop tearing up and i hate it
#im not feeling well#and cry when frustrated#anddddd we were playing a game and im usually a good sport when im doing bad in it#but tonight i already feel like fucking shit and ugh it just snow balled#didnt help that i hit my toe my family was teasing me over it and didnt realize just how painful it was#to delet later#just ugh
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so
#last night was really so so so fun and it was super hard to get myself to go out? like#in the sense of I really wanted to because I knew it would be fun but I also knew my anxiety was eating me alive#and it would be an obstacle getting through that without alcohol and I need to be … careful#but I got fun drunk and didn’t have too bad of a hangover and didn’t feel super anxious once we got out :#and a different friend wants to make plans for tonight but I am really bad at making plans in advance because sometimes I physically can’t#do things after work bc tired bc neuro disorder and it’s frustrating to my friend with severe control issues#bc she needs to make specific plans like a week out and I’m like erm babe I can’t like#do that? and then if I don’t feel well day of and need to be home she gets (rightfully) frustrated because I’m bailing but it’s#challenging. and you don’t understand unless you live with it.#and it’s frustrating for us both. I don’t want her to think I don’t value her because I do and I force myself out often enough bc I#genuinely feel bad. but it’s so fucking hard sometimes . she also lives sort of far so going from work and having#to drive an hour to her place to then go somewhere and be out like#I’m spent before I even get there#friend I saw last night and I don’t talk consistently but when we do it’s always the same vibe and so fun and we just catch up about life#I feel like when I see my other friends they have things to always talk about because they’re in a discord call almost every night#I don’t have the energy!!!!!!!!!! like I’m so sorry that’s so much for me#idk she isn’t answering me now but if she wants to do something I need to know in the next hr bc if not I’m literally going to bed#I love her but there’s a disconnect between us rn and I don’t know how to mend that gap#but I do love her friendship so I’m just like. sigh#idk it would be different if she was closer and I know that#I hope getting back on medication helps get me being more social again. I’m just so tired this week that speaking is hard lol
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i love making text-heavy stuff tbh. i think i've realistically "outgrown" weirdcore at least with regard to the more heavily edited stuff, but i still deeply love the idea of making my writing pieces look like they're fucked up pieces of old web lost media, so i think i've found a way to keep going despite that
#not edits#this is not a disparaging statement to any editor or concept btw i just am at a point in my life where i wanna make stuff that has#more textual meaning and less visual surrealism. call it traumacore or whatever but that's where i'm at with it lol#i've been kinda doing poorly mentally these last few months and i honestly consider it a blessing for this blog cuz like#even tho the growth on here has slowed to a fucking snail's pace. i feel like i make the most Potent stuff in this state#my sillier and more heavily edited works generally just frustrate me ngl. feels like i'm phoning it in a lot of the time#all of this is to say that the textcore is here to stay basically. at least for now#i've edited like 15+ edits in a single sitting tonight which is like. unprecedented for me nowadays so yippee
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Imagine what it must have been like for Mark Twain to see Ulysses S. Grant write his memoirs. Twain's a successful career author, who, like all writers, knows firsthand the struggle of getting words on a page, knows how painstakingly slow and frustrating the writing process can be. And here's Grant, with no literary training whatsoever, dying of cancer, barely sleeping or eating because of the excruciating pain, regularly writing 10,000 words a day. And it's good.
I'd be tempted to give up writing right there. How do you compete with that? You can't be jealous of the guy, because of the whole "dying of cancer" thing, and yet...it's gotta just about drive you nuts. It just about drives me nuts. In good health, I can work for hours to get a few sentences on a page. And then this guy's showing us all up. It's maddening.
#random thought of the day#adventures in writing#presidential talk#feeling this strongly tonight#as i look at how pathetically little i've written in the last few months#despite a lot of time commitment#with almost nothing written that's actually going to be used#it's crushing#and then our buddy ulys came to mind because i finally finished the presidential letters book#and he got a couple at the end#written during the mexican war and his california years#and i was struck by his eye for detail even then#his clear-eyed perception of a place and the clear way he lays out a landscape#exactly the kind of thing that filled his book thirty-odd years later#and when writing comes so hard it's a combination of awe and frustration to see someone for whom it comes so easily#what a fun post you get presidential facts and my own insecurities at the same time!#an absolute bargain!
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me: sits down to write feeling full of inspiration
chronic pain: no 🙃
#sorry i just needed to vent#UGH#i mean obviously having a chronic pain condition is never fun#but when it decides to sink its teeth in when i just want an evening to capitalise on the inspiration that’s been building up all week#it’s just so frustrating#getting to sit down in the evenings to write is one of the few times i get to feel peaceful and comforted#and i’m just so done with my body taking that from me too#sorry i will resume my usual flaily milex posting soon i’m sure#but tonight i’m just feeling sad and a little bit scared of my own body#and my flatmate and best friend are otherwise occupied#so apparently i’m venting about it here instead#chronic pain#lulu posts
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oh okay so we're like. fucked.
#usually i am So much more optimistic than this#but like. yeah history repeats itself. tomorrow i'll be ready to work hard and make change and whatever#tonight im tired. and really frustrated#this feels hopeless. it's not. but god does it feel that way#this many people are stupid and bigoted and taken in by a cult of personality#it's nauseating
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good news: i am feeling way better overall, the antibiotics are doing their job & i am way thankful for it. i've also got some appointments to keep up on the og issue & dealing with this has put me on the fast track to getting / keeping insurance!
bad news: i do think i got sick from sitting next to a little girl in the er & that is kicking my ass so everything in my life is way behind right now. i want to write, but i have to clean house before i clean drafts lmao
#ooc.#tbd.#personal.#i did have a post tht i ended up deleting abt what is actually going on#but it is personal / gross so i didnt want to talk abt it on the dash#im hoping however to maybe tend to some messages tonight#but im making soup & i've been sleeping like a ton which has put me on the right track to feeling better#i am however frustrated w the amount of sleep i need from a mix of being sick & recovering from the original issue#+ i am extremely frustrated because a lot of groceries went bad because i was not well enough to cook w them#++ i am even MORE frustrated because the whole apartment has kind of fallen apart bcs my partner is not helping w chores#which is like okay because he works & i dont rn i am just starting to feel insane bcs the dishes stink & the fridge stinks & litter stinks#plus i also when working go in & out of phases of doing chores it just is a lot to handle to have such a nasty space & be helpless abt it#i am hoping to get enough energy in me to deal w it today tbh
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The power has done out multiple times today😔 not the most ideal when it's been so hot lately-
#pan rambles#The power is back and I've been keeping cool dw!#But yeah-afjsbfjd The heat always makes my progress slower unfortunately#on another note. Man...I need to let something consume my life again-gksnfkdnfkd#I've been enjoying multiple things lately in the hopes something will stuck but lately it feels like nothing it working#Like. I'm enjoying them! They're good games/manga/etc.#But it's like that connection I normally feel is Not There and it's so frustrating-ajfsnjfsn#Surely not a side effect of how much I've been going through it the whole month /hj#but yeah- Hopefully I find something;;#On a more lighter note#🪽 (Sure I'll use that as a tag since I'm still too shy to say her name) popped into my mind earlier today and I got all fksnfksjfjdj#I'm not used used to crushing on girls#Sure! I've thought many girls are cute and cool and amazing and so gorgeous that they leave me flustered and speechless-#but I've never connected those feelings with a crush y'know? So it's definitely an interesting feeling-afksnfjdj#Anyways enough rambling!#I think I'm gonna log out for tonight <3 Perhaps read some manga!#Or rewatch my favorite anime
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❔
#ladies it’s a guessing game in this chili’s tonight#do I feel incredibly emotional (slightly frustrated but mostly just ~emotional~#because a) I’m just really tired#b) that time of the month is affecting my emotions even though it never really has befofe#c) because I just had a long and confusing music practice most of which I really enjoyed but also I have no idea what parts I’ve been given#and I don’t know how to prepare for the next one#d) I want a nice long quiet talk about whatever with my boyfriend and I will have one literally tomorrow but not today#e) working girl woes etc bc Monday is tomorrow#f) all of the above#anyway ignore this lol I’m just thinking out loud so to speak
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writing 1k of ghoap verbally destroying each other is destroying me
#saying things you don't mean out of frustration they are FEELING THAT in this chilis tonight#wips#sundowning fic#.txt
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