#didnt help that i hit my toe my family was teasing me over it and didnt realize just how painful it was

[blueberryrock]

I hate when i start crying and i just keep tearing up for a while after even tho i stopped?? I just cant stop tearing up and i hate it

[sarah-writes-marvel]

Family Matters: Bucky x fem!Reader

S.S: Hello again! Another fic for you folks! This one was really based off myself and my persepectives for my future but I hope that you all like it.

Warnings: Slight panic attack, not much, mentions of children (is that a warning?) showering together but nothing sexual

Word Count: 1,636

MASTERLIST

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“Uncle Bucky!” Morgan’s sweet voice entered the room before she was in sight. The sound of her feet running against the linoleum of the compound echoed just as loudly.

I smiled at Bucky as he stood up to greet the little girl running towards him from the hallway, bracing himself for her hug.

“Hey there MiniMo. How's it going?” He asked as he knelt to her height watching her smile grow on her face as she bounced on her toes.

“Can we go to the park? Daddy said it was alright while he worked.” Morgan begged.

“You just got here Maguna. Take a chill pill.” Tony said as he finally showed up in the common room.

“But dad, it's so pretty outside!” She whined turning towards Tony.

“And it'll be just fine a little later too. You need breakfast first missy.” He smirked as he readjusted his sling. “Say Hi to Aunt Y/n/n too. She’s looking a little dejected.” 

I smiled as Morgan enthusiastically waved at me with her toothy grin before turning back to Bucky.

Despite their differences, Tony and Bucky had created a peaceful relationship. Tony still had some precautions but after speculation he realized where he had been mistaken and had finally accepted Bucky’s profuse apologizes about Hydras doing. Though Tony was very protective over Morgan, especially after his snap, Morgan had been the one to really connect the two parties. She broke Bucky out of his shell even more, probably even helped him more than I had through Steves leaving. 

Bucky was amazing with Morgan. He treated her as if she was his younger sister like in the 40’s with Becca. He had told me once that Morgan’s smile reminded him of her. Other than Tony he had become the most protective of the girl. It was adorable. He always offered to babysit if Tony and Pepper had business or just needed a night off and if there wasn't a mission that had to be done.

Tony pulled Morgan along to the kitchen and Bucky had rejoined me on the couch, watching me complete the sudoku puzzle I was working on. I could feel the nervous energy coming from him as if he wanted to say something.

“What’s on your mind Buck?” I asked, not looking away from my puzzle.

“Huh, oh. Just thinking that's all.”

“Want to indulge me? I can feel your anxiety radiating from you.” I teased him, turning to see his sweet face.

“Do you want kids?” he asked bluntly. My heart dropped to my stomach and the smile that was on my face had faded as soon as the words left his mouth. “I mean like after we get married or something. I know we've only been dating for like a year or so, but we've never talked about this.” he said his hands fiddling in his lap as he watched my reaction.

“I- uh. I- well ummm I-”

“Uncle Bucky! Lets go to the park! Please!! Daddy said it was alright now!” Morgan interrupted my flustered stuttering.

“Ok MiniMo. I'll be right there. Go put on your jacket.” He smiled as she skipped away back to the door. “I didn't mean to upset you. We can talk about it later. I’ll see you in a bit.” he said before kissing my head and following Morgan out the door.

I watched his retreating form with tears glazing my eyes. My vision shifted from the hallway to see Tony standing in the doorway of the kitchen, his arm crossed over his chest and a sympathetic look on his features.

“Need to talk about something? I don't have to be in the lab yet.” He offered, moving towards me.

“I- I- He’s gonna hate me.” I whispered.

“Why’s that?” he sat down next to me, his good arm slug around the back of the couch.

“He asked if I wanted kids, probably because he wants them but I don't. I can't. He’s gonna hate me.” I turned to Tony.

“Did he explicitly say that he wanted kids? That he wanted to start a family with you.”

“No but -”

“EH- stop. If he didnt straight up say he wanted kids then don't be so worried. He’s asking what you want in the future.” he said.

“But what if he wants a family. I can't give him that Tony. I can't give him what he had, what he might want.” 

“And if he truly loves you it won't be a problem. He might want a family but there are other ways to have kids.”

“No Tony, you don't understand. I don't want to have children at all. I can't deal with the stress of raising someone. I don't want to have a child just to mess them up because I’m not mother material.”

“Pepper thought that for a while. She doubted her ability but now look, we've got this amazing daughter.”

“You're not listening to me. I'm not mother material. I'm a mercenary. Pepper is an executive Business woman. She knows what it's like to have a family, how a child should be raised. I have no idea what that's like. I didn't have that luxury, I wouldn't know where to start. She doubted herself for a moment in life, I on the other hand have known forever that I will never be good enough to be a mother, whether it was my own child or adopted. I'm not made for that life.” I argued, the pain settling in my chest.

“Come on Y/n/n, you can't seriously believe that.” Tony said.

“I 100% do. I was raised as a killer, not a lover. I don't nurture things. I manage to kill everything I touch in time.” I stated, “I'm gonna go shower. Good luck with your projects.” I said before walking out of the room.

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I closed the bedroom door behind me and tossed my sudoku book onto the unmade bed. I looked at the clock on the wall watching the hands move. I began pacing along the carpet lost in my thoughts. Bucky's face ingrained in my memory, the way his eyebrows were furrowed in concentration, the lines creased on his forehead, the way his eyes flitted to mine after he asked the question of curiosity swimming within and a hopeful gleam.

Of course he would want a family. He grew up with a sister and a loving mother. And Steve was practically his brother. Why wouldn't he want a daughter or a son of his own. He loves Morgan and he loves spending time with her so of course he's pictured himself with his own children one day.

I ran a hand over my face trying to wipe away the worry. I pulled my shirt over my head dropping it onto the floor with my sweatpants before walking into the bathroom. I turned the water to the hottest setting possible watching the room fill with steam almost immediately.

The water cascaded around me, trailing off my fingertips and dripping from my hair. The cool tile of the floor underneath my huddled form wasn't noticeable with the steaming water hitting my back. My arms were wrapped around my legs as I sat on the floor of the shower, my head leaning against the wall reimagining the look that Bucky had given me. It had morphed to a pained look, one of disgust, of hatred. 

“Hey Y/n? Everything alright? Tony said you needed to talk to me.” Bucky's voice broke me from my trance. I heard the bathroom door open and close behind him. He knocked against the tinted glass door to the shower. “Can I join you?”

“If you want to.” I said quietly, pulling myself off the floor as he got undressed and stepped in. His hands wrapped around my waist.

“What's going on doll?” HIs deep voice whispered as he left kisses on my shoulder.

“Maybe we should break up.” I said quietly. His grip loosened a little and his kisses stopped.

“What are you talking about?”

“I just don't want to hold you back from something you want.” I said.

“Is this about what  I asked earlier? Because I didn't mean that we had to have kids now. I know that our lives are still kinda hectic. We can wait. I don't mind.” he said, his hands turning me to face him.

“I can't have kids. Even if I could I don’t want kids. And you obviously want a family. I can't give you that. I can't give you what you had growing up. I can't give you a loving family like you want.” tears were freely streaming down my cheeks.

“We don't need kids to have a loving family. I have you. That's enough for me.” he reassured, his hands cupping my face.

“But you want kids. I see how you act with Morgan. You adore her.” I said.

“I do adore her, but that doesnt mean I want kids. I adore you much more than risking losing you over wanting children. I'm fine without kids. We can have a dog instead.”

“But- I-”

“Stop. Listen to me closely; I don't need children to have a family with you. It can just be me and you. I don’t care just as long as I’m sharing my future with you.” he said gently but stern. “Now come on, let’s get out and go play with Morgan, ok?”

I simply nodded and followed his lead out of the shower. He took my towel and dried me off gently, finishing by placing a kiss on my lips.

“I love you, you know that.” he smiled tilting my chin up to meet his gaze.

“I love you too. I'm sorry.”

“There's nothing to apologize for, doll. Nothing at all.” he said with another smile before crushing me in a hug.

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S.S: Hope you like this! I saw a tiktok with Sebastian being amazing with kids and it was adorable but like at the same time I lowkey despise kids because they come from a special place in hell so this story came out. Anyways.... thanks fro reading!!

[futurewriter2000]

Maurauders ship? 5"9 girl, latina, bi, black hair, dark eyes. Introverted, a very chill, unjugdemental slytherin, writer, smart-mouthed, qualingual, i have a relationship with my leather jacket, grudge/indie/dark spring kinda aesthetics, nerdy-ish, read narnia 100x, can/will fight you, 2 year muy thai trainer, feminist, emotionally unstable, i sing & dance a lil, im the kind of person that'll be rapping bodak yellow in the day, and singing my longs out during Wildest Dreams in my bedroom thanks!

I ship you with JAMES MOTHERFUCKING POTTER

Lmao sorry for that im just having a really big writers block and i cant help myself…ANYWAYYSS…i’ve beenmeaning to ship you with Hermoine bc i’ve never done her and i really really want to but since is marauders and all that….lets go then. (SHIPS ARE CLOSED)

Oh yeah…you and James were definetly rivals. Since his 7th birthday the two of you never got along. Your parents knew eachother and you were invited to his famous 7th birthday party. You thought it might be fun but being with the most spoiled and arrogant 7 year old kid it definetly wasn’t fun. It was horrible and you didn’t want to experiance anything like it ever again.

But you did anyway. At his 8th birthday party which you tried to rebel out of it, but was still dragged, you placed the fakest smile an 8 year old can pull but as soon as you saw him again, his hair messy and his big hazel eyes staring at you angrly you knew this is going to be one horrible day. And it was. The two of you faught, argued, kicked eachother and yelled as loudly as both of you could. You were actually surprised as how much higher he could yell.

So this time it was you 9th birthday party which you only wanted to spend with your closest friends but of course parents being parents they brought him. God you were mad at them and his parents for dragging him to your place you could basically want to push them all off a cliff if you had the chance. And it was just as the same as it was on his borthday parties except on yours, your friends all left quite soon and you were left only woth him, both with torn clothes and messy hair. You even broke his glasses. To be honest you became a violent kid because of him.

It repeated on both of your 10th and 11th birthday parties and no matter how the two of you faught, your parents both found it super adorable. Parents, am i right.

Finally it was time for Hogwarts and you couldn’t be more excited. The magic and…and… well….magic. You were sorted into Slytherin and even though you weren’t the typcal cold-hearted Slytherin, everybody in that house seemed to love you. Yes, you were emotional unstable, every single Slytherin knew that but you were just the chillest and bad-ass person with your leather jacket and your muy thai thing and speaking more than one language. Everybody simply loved you. You weren’t afraid to talk back to the teacher, honestly the proffesors hated you for being all smartmouth and shit, but you didnt care. As long as your friends and classmates didn’t hate you, you were totally fine with it. And as much as you didn’t want to admit it…you were kind of popular around. Not in the whole Slytherin house, of course not, but mostly in your year and few in the older years.

And just as it was coincidence, your enemy was sorted into your rival house. (Coincidence, I think not.) Just as you he was quite popular around Gryffindors and for your information his obsession over the red-head Muggleborn (which clearly everybody knew about, duuh) Lilly Evans, was quite pathetic. Not that you care no. You didn’t like to judge people but it was Potter. And you knew him, so you had a right to judge that arrogant arse.

Anyway, every single year the two of you competed in everything. You both were pretty damn good in school, both Seekers on your team but there was quite a difference. You were introverted, he was extroverted. You loved reading books, especially Narnia, while he loved to pull pranks and drool over Lilly in his free time. Opposites, but pretty damn alike.

Potions was amazing for you because just much as ambitious as you were about taking him down, you never worried about Potions because he kind of sucked at it. Of course, theory was all good, but when it came to making a potion, now that was the problem. And as you watched him suffer it was your biggest joy to make it as misrable as you could. “Your father being a Potioneer, I’d have thought you’d be better at this, Potter.” you sneered and continued with adding ingridients to your couldron while he suffered with his green blob. “ Maybe you only got your arrogance from him.” you continued even though you knew Mr. Potter wasn’t arrogant, but you needed to piss off James and you knew he was always overprotective of his family. “Just like you got being a bitch from your mom, (y/l/n).” he barked back, clenching his ladle and mixing his potion. But that pulled your nerve and you immediatly dropped everything in your hands and walked over to him. “Oh you want to do this here, Potter. Bring it on.” you said and rolled up your sleeves.“ First of all I don’t hit girls and second of all we are in class.” he replied and calmly continued with his potion. “Hitting a girl? We’ve been havin fights since we were seven so bring it on.” “No.” he spoke calmly and continued to watch hi potion. “Oh I see. You’re scared.” you continued to tease while he tried not to attack you right now. “Chi-chicken.” you goaded and slowly walked away with a victorious smirk plastered on your face. But it wasn’t that much victoruous when he pulled a prank on you later that day.

7th year came and you were named Head Girl, while he was named Head Boy.Fabu. The two of you had to spent more time together than on those birthday parties and it was just a mess. The two of you still faught like two babies. “I posted the meeting on 2pm.” you sighed. “I can’t make it on 2pm so I posted it on 4pm.” -“God Potter, I can’t make it on 4pm, thats why i put it on at 2pm in the first place. You were supposed to have practice after Slytherins anyway.” -“well change of plans.” but you knew it was never about change of plans. He just loved to mess with you and you hated it.

But as Christmas Holidays came your familxbdecided to spend it at the one & only…the Potter family. So you slipped on your fancy and long green dress with a cut on the side and few scales on it. Your hair was put down in gorgeous curls, a bit of makeoup and high silver heels matching your silver jewelry. It was one of their famous balls and you had to look perfect at it. To be honest, you heard Sirius Black would be there and you couldn’t help yourself but to fall for the handsome Gryffindor. But there was one thing you had to sacrifice that night. It was your leather jacket. You had to leave it at home and it was terribly heart-rending.

The ball was beautifully devorated and you had to give it to the Potters for it. They weren’t a typical pureblood family but being at this ball, proved something else. When James saw you enter, he didn’t know it was you. He simply saw you as this stunning woman coming to his family’s ball and he had to get to know you. God, you were beautiful and he could never feel more blessed than right now. That was untill of course he came closer and saw a small scar he gave you when he was eight. (You gave him one too, just so you know). “Well, well, well. If it isn’t the dark swan.” he teased coming closer. You couldn’t recognise him either when you first set eyes on his ironed tuxedo and his combed hair, but hearing his voice you knew excatly who je was. “Potter, I see you combed your hair for the first time in 18 years.” - “I did.” was all he could reply, feeling a bit nervous, when you came closer. But as much as he wanted to talk to you, you were immediately distracted by the boy woth gorgeous black locks and grey eyes. So mumbling something to James, you made your way to Sirius. His eyes widened when he saw you and he couldn’t help himself but to scan you from head to toe. “Might I say miss. (Y/l/n), you look stunning tonight. ” he grinned, offering you a hand. “Well thank you, mr. Black” you replied taking his hand and let him lead you to the dance floor. “ You wouldn’t mind dancing with me, would you now?” -“well, we are here aren’t we.” you replied formally and started dancing to the music. Itbwas like a dream come true, dancing with your long time crush, but you couldn’t help yourself to be a bit disappointed. You couldn’t figure it ou, but it definitely didn’t feel right. James, was standing on the other side of the dance floor, his eyes set on you and his best friend, dancing together and laughing. I mean, why wpuld you be dancing woth Sirius in the first place. He knew you were smarted than to be woth Sirius. You definitely dodn’t deserve him. He was a playboy and you knew it, so why would you still be dancing with him. There is no fidging way you would dance with a playboy, yet there you are….dancing.

He stopped staring at the two of you, feeling some anger emerge, he put down the glass of champagne and walked over to you, cutting in and grinning. “Would you mind if I cut in?” he looked at Sirius and he immediatelly stepped back. You took his hand and started dancing with the music. “Potter.” you said. “(Y/l/n).” he replied with the smile as the two of you moved your feet in harmony, his hand on your waist, sending a big rush of warmth to your cheeks. Dancing woth him was quite different from dancing with Sirius, because with James it simply felt right. But it was James. Your archenemy James. “Didn’t think of you as a dancer, Potter.” you smiled. “Well, I might not be a good in Potions, but dance is passion.” he grinned and spun you around. “James Potter, a professional dancer. I think I could imagine that.” you snorted of laughter and continued with the dance. All of a sudden pulling you closer and whispering in your ear. “I think you could imagine me more than that.” and he pulled back, winking at you and leaving the dancefloor, leaving you completly shocked, fornthe first time in all your 11 years of “friendship”.

And you could never look at him the same. Newts were approaching and instead of thinking of taking your exams, ou kept thinking of your night with James at the Ball.

odbfxgcjčobnsšofdxn herwšos hvnšotsdfnhgpotfgnhbuj9hdgšobuaero ugnvšo UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH IM SOO FUCKING PISSED! I LITERALLY FINISHED THIS CUTE AND LONG SHIP AND NOW I NEED TO START FROM HERE AGAIN. BRUH!!!!!!!!!!!

Somehow you felt overpowered by him that night and being a Slytherin you are, you decided to do something about it. During lunch you sat next to Lily Evans and asked her to help you with Transfitguration, saying McGonngal recomended her for being a great tutor. For some odd reason you were a bit scared as she was quite pretty and being rejected by her it would be so embarassing. But she didn’t. She said she would love to tutor you and after the two of you decided on place and time of the tutroing, you stood up and left. As soon as you passed by James and his group of friends, he pulled you down. “Don’t you dare steal her (y/l/n). She’s mine.” -”Oh,yeah Potter. Watch me.”

Oh god you flirted with the girl and that pissed James off. And as much as you flirted with Evans, the least you expeected was her to flirt back. You were Quite amused by that and you always showed it off when James was around.

But that bubble of anger he pushed inside himself for all that time finally popped on the graduation. You were just about to go to Lilly’s boat but was pulled into another boat instead. James took out his wand and let the two of you float away from the others. You started arguing with him and pulled out your wand to go back to the others. “Stop ruining my graduation Potter!” -”It’s James! My name is James (y/n)!” he shouted and without even thinking you grabbed his wand and threw it in the lake. “Fine then James!” - “Bitch!” he yelled and grabbed your wand and threw it in the lake too. “Why are you doing this!” -”Because I’m sick of you flirting with Evans!” he shouted and soon the arguing turned into a fight and both of oyu ended up rocking the boat and falling in the lake.

You never forgave him for ruining your graduation and since then you never seen him ever again.

The end..no jk jk.

Both of you became an Auror and when Sirius was injured the two of you were partnered up for a mission, When you saw him, grown up and completly matured, you forgot about graduation and every single fight the two of you had. Somehow seeing him made you feel so happy and you couldn’t help yourself but to hug the guy. He hugged you back and burried his head in your neck. “ Missed me that much.” he grinned. “Don’t get it in your head Potter, I’m still better than you.” -”I see you haven’t changed.” -”Still me baby.” you replied and the whole mission went perfectly. The two of you were both proffesional until…

You two were running through the corn field after one of the most wanted criminals. “Come on!” you yelled in front of him and turned right but was pulled back all of a sudden. “He went left!” -”No. He ran right so let’s go!” you argued and turned right and was again pulled back. “Left!” he barked at you. “Right!” you shouted back. “Left!” -”Right!” -”LEFT!” “RIGHT!” and soon the two o you realized you’ve been arguing for a long time. The two of you looked at eachother and took a big sigh. “It doesn’t matter now does it! We’ve lost him! Just because you couldn’t agree.” he shouted at you. “Excuse me!” you scoffed and crossed your arms. “No! For once keep your mouth shut and do what your told. I saw him run left and by the broken branches on the left you would have known too. He tricked you, no wonder he’s called the Trickster. He went left.” -”Well why didn’t you just run left then.” -”Because I need my partner and you are my partner! God you were always like that!” - “Always like what!”- “Like wanting to be better than me! Pretending I was that horrible!” -”Because you were! You ruined every single birthday party and my graduation!” -”Oh really? Don’t you remember that time our parents made us make up and we ended up playing in my treehouse and your parents couldn’t get you down because you didn’t want to leave. Or the time where you threw cake at me and we ended up laughing with cake on our faces. Or what about the time when we gave eachothers these matching scars and ended up in the emergency room telling ourself how badass we will look in school. And I am sorry for ruining your graduation but I just couldn’t see you with Evans anyore. I love you, that’s why I ruined your graduation. I was jealous!”

You were take a back and the only words you said were “Loved or love?” and those words just took you by surprise as they took him. And he of course said “Love.”

And the next thing you remember was waking up in his bed with him right next to you. Seeing you are awake he wrapped his arm around you and pulled you closer. “Mornin.” he said in a low and raspy voice and kissing your forehead. “Morning.” you smiled and nuzzled in his chest. 

Most of the mornings were spent like this and as much as the two of you argued during the day for about 3 months, it always ended in sex. The best thing was wearing his shirt in the morning and coming to the kitchen and find him making you breakfast in his boxers. He was Quite the cook but he was never able to finish it ;).

He needed a long time to ask you to move in with him mostly because of your grudge/indie/dark style, which soon became his style too. And after you moved in he found this completly different side of you. You weren’t the typical Slytherin girl who used to give him a cold shoulder everytime he walked by but he saw you as a shower singer and dancer, who danced to the radio as you cooked or cleaned or sang when he came home from work. And everytime you danced to the radio you dragged your boyfriend along.

He was also quite surprised when he discovered your nerd side. “Didn’t think of you as a nerd darling.” - “ Shh.. I’m at the good part here.” “Come on, you read this book for a millionth time.” -”I don’t care. Plus I always imagined Prince Caspian as Sirius anyway so please let me enjoy this.” -”Umm, What?” he gulped and took the book away from you. “This book is now forbidden to be opened by you.” -”Are you seriously jealous of a book.” you chuckled, watching him hold up a book. “No, no. I am jealous of a book character. There’s a different.” - “Come here, you jealous arse.”

After a hard day at work the two of you simply colapsed on the cousch and fell asleep in eachoters arms. Sometime he was the big spoon and sometimes you, but both slept like babies.

Everytime he was pissed at you he took your jacket and hid it. You were a lot like Sirius with a leather jacket. And you had to appologise just to get your jacket back, bt whenever you were pissed at him you took his glasses and watch him bump into things the whole time until he appologised. “Are you ready to appologise?” you smirked as he looked through the closet in the hallway. “Not by a long sho-” he said before walking into a wall. “Whenever you’re ready.” you chuckled and continued to read your book.

When he found out you were pregnant he was super excited….for a moment… then he colapsed because..shock.  He couldn’t deal with you when the hormones kicked in but years of you being on your period he knew chocolate and music fixed everything. He spent every day talking to your belly and the first time the baby kicked was when he said “I love you and your mom.” 

He was a mess when your water broke. “I’m not ready! I am gonna be a terrible father I can’t even find a bag! “ -”James calm down.” “Calm down! I’m gonna be a father and- and where is the bloody bag!” he said before he slipped and fell. “Bloody hell. I forgot your water broke here.” 

He couldn’t let go of your son when he first set his eyes on him. He kept looking at him. He looked jus like James but had your hair colour. Sirius was so proud of the two of you and he also couldn’t let go of his godson. He bought him a broom and a Gryffindor onsie as your best friend bought him a Slytherin onsie. 

He was the best dad there was and a great husband. There was a lot of time where he didn’t want to get up when the baby was crying but you forced him and he was terrified by you when you were tired.

James always wanted a big family and the two of you had a lot of kids either you wanted it or not. And it wasn’t hard with that much kids beacuse James took care of everything and spoiled them rotten. 

But the best thing was christmas when every single one of your kid got their own leather jacket from uncle Sirius and piles of chocolate from Remus. “ Oh my god. Sirius that looks so cute on them.” you chirped while they put on their jackets on. “I swear if they turn anything like her with their leather jacket it Will be all your fault. That woman is obsessed.” - “There’s no shame Prongs in leather jackets. No shame.” said Sirius.

Okay before it deletes itself I just want to say I’m so sorry it took me so long to write this but it’s long and cute and yeah… Anyway hope you like it. (SHIPS ARE CLOSED)

[prettyinmud]

an open letter to the humans who hurt me.

I understand that some people have had it worse, believe me. I’ve built walls to stop myself from opening up because of how many people i’ve trusted in the past who just told me “it’s not all that bad, it could have been worse.”

To the father that hurt me, yes it could have been worse, it always can be worse, but it wouldn’t have to be bad at all if it weren't for you. You lit the first match that burnt my whole life down. You stayed long enough for my sister to know what a family looked like. You packed her lunches and read her stories and took her fishing. You worked and payed bills and came home to cook supper. You were a husband, you were a daddy, you were amazing.

when it was my turn, you stopped all that. you couldn’t keep your fucking unfaithful eyes off the woman across the street. the woman who watched us so my mom could have a night off. you played family with her, we were the babies, you were the daddy, she was the mommy. but she wasnt my mommy. my mommy was at home crying, not knowing where she went wrong.

when i was 3 months old you walked out and you walked right in to a new family. you saw us every other weekend, but you saw them every day. You were a daddy again, but to the wrong little girls. Daddy, you were the first one to break my heart, you broke it into a million pieces and i can never explain to you how hard it is to fall in love and give my heart to someone when its not all there. You took a piece of it with you because i love you so much and you’re gone. I mean you’re not really gone, you’re off with the next bitch that you chose over us. I’ll never be the same, because i don’t know what its like to have a father.

I cant explain how wrong it is that when i picture you, i picture you with a bottle, bottoms up daddy. Every now and then i get a different picture, the one where you’re smashing your head off the walls because you got so drunk at my going away party. The party YOU threw to show your little girl that you were going to miss her when she moved away. I slept on the neighbours couch that night, after crying for hours and in the morning you acted like nothing was wrong. That was the last memory i had of you for a whole 7 months.

To the mother that used me, i understand that you’ve had it rough too. i really do. I watched from a really young age, all the suffering you had to go through. I know it was hard raising two girls on a one person income. I watched you bust your ass, and i appreciated it every day. But what gave you the right to manipulate me?

You were working, i was going to school. we both came home tired every day. we both could have helped out. we could have shared the chores, we could have shared the duties. but you put it all on me. 14 years old is too young to do all the housework, all the cooking, all the stressing.

I tried to have a social life, but i ended up going my whole life without having a best friend because the only best friend i had time for was you. I was so brain washed because whenever i refused to do something you called me an ungrateful bitch. So i was grateful, i was grateful that you gave birth to me and i was grateful that you put a roof over my head. But part of me hates you every day because i almost failed high school because of you.

to the boy who raped me, i had the biggest crush on you in high school. you were always so quiet, i dont think i ever saw you say a word to anyone. but trust me i noticed you, every day i noticed you. you were just starting to grow a beard, and it looked really good. I was so attracted to you. I was smitten when you got on the same bus i took home every day. I was smitten when you got off at the same stop. I was smitten when you entered the same building where i lived. I can’t remember how we ended up actually talking for the first time, but remember being smitten when i found out you lived in the apartment right next to mine. 

sometimes we would text and then we’d both sneak out and sit in the stairwell of the building and we would just talk. We talked about your brother, your cousin, your mother, our friends, our hobbies and our dreams. I was smitten the first time you kissed me.

but shortly after the first kiss you expected more. I explained that i wasn’t that kind of girl and you would just tease me. I was smitten, so i didn’t realize how dangerous that was.

we both lived on the bottom floor of the building, with views of the parking lot. You used that to your advantage, didnt you? you watched my mom leave one night and you came and knocked on my door. I was smitten, so i answered.

You pushed me in and closed the door, you didnt even move out of the front hallway, you just pinned me against the wall and ripped my clothes. I cried and tried to fight you off, but you had a lot of power over me. You bit me so hard my skin was blue for weeks, it was hard to make excuses. I won’t go in to detail about what happened after you dragged me into my own bedroom, my own bed. I can’t have sex in my own bedroom anymore, thanks for that.

As if it wasn’t bad enough, seeing you for the rest of high school, skipping 3 days a week so i didnt have to face you, i still see you. You go to the gym next to my work, we take the same bus sometimes, we shop at the same walmart (because theres only one nearby) 

every time i see your face, my heart sinks to my toes and i can’t help but cry. I’m still scared when i hear knocks at the door. You fucked me up beyond repair.

To the boyfriend who abused me, i think i could have handled the physical abuse, i would have escaped without long term damage. I could have kept some of my sanity, some of my confidence, i maybe would have ended up alright in the end. But not only did you lay your hands on me, you fed me backhanded compliments every day, and then those turned into flat out insults. From there, insults turned into arguing, and arguing turned into screaming and yelling, and that turned into you threatening me. Threats turned into you raising your hand or stomping towards me. and then the real bad stuff happened.

you made me feel ugly every day for months, you’d insult my hair, my clothes. fuck, you even told me you’d rather be with my best friend.

I almost lost a job because i had a panic attack when i saw a mop and remembered the night you hit me across the face with one in front of my two best friends. When i see an open window, i remember the night i got half way out of one before you dragged me back in by my feet. When people raise their hand for a high five, i flinch and cover my face and they get insulted. When i see a Chevy cavalier i think of when you used take sharp corners so i would hit my head against the window.

 sometimes i fantasize about being confident. Something that seems so simple is what i day dream about. Some days i think i’ll be normal some day, and other days i hold a blade to my wrist with a suicide note beside me. Some days i listen to trap music while i do my makeup and dance around my room in my favorite outfits, and other days i listen to sad music and i sit in baggy clothes and stare at the wall for what feels like hours, thinking about reasons that i shouldn't end my life.

but for now i am here. I am breathing and i am eating and sleeping and i’m doing the best that i can. I just hope that life has more to offer than this.