#didnt help that i hit my toe my family was teasing me over it and didnt realize just how painful it was

[blueberryrock]

I hate when i start crying and i just keep tearing up for a while after even tho i stopped?? I just cant stop tearing up and i hate it

[sarah-writes-marvel]

Family Matters: Bucky x fem!Reader

S.S: Hello again! Another fic for you folks! This one was really based off myself and my persepectives for my future but I hope that you all like it.

Warnings: Slight panic attack, not much, mentions of children (is that a warning?) showering together but nothing sexual

Word Count: 1,636

MASTERLIST

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“Uncle Bucky!” Morgan’s sweet voice entered the room before she was in sight. The sound of her feet running against the linoleum of the compound echoed just as loudly.

I smiled at Bucky as he stood up to greet the little girl running towards him from the hallway, bracing himself for her hug.

“Hey there MiniMo. How's it going?” He asked as he knelt to her height watching her smile grow on her face as she bounced on her toes.

“Can we go to the park? Daddy said it was alright while he worked.” Morgan begged.

“You just got here Maguna. Take a chill pill.” Tony said as he finally showed up in the common room.

“But dad, it's so pretty outside!” She whined turning towards Tony.

“And it'll be just fine a little later too. You need breakfast first missy.” He smirked as he readjusted his sling. “Say Hi to Aunt Y/n/n too. She’s looking a little dejected.” 

I smiled as Morgan enthusiastically waved at me with her toothy grin before turning back to Bucky.

Despite their differences, Tony and Bucky had created a peaceful relationship. Tony still had some precautions but after speculation he realized where he had been mistaken and had finally accepted Bucky’s profuse apologizes about Hydras doing. Though Tony was very protective over Morgan, especially after his snap, Morgan had been the one to really connect the two parties. She broke Bucky out of his shell even more, probably even helped him more than I had through Steves leaving. 

Bucky was amazing with Morgan. He treated her as if she was his younger sister like in the 40’s with Becca. He had told me once that Morgan’s smile reminded him of her. Other than Tony he had become the most protective of the girl. It was adorable. He always offered to babysit if Tony and Pepper had business or just needed a night off and if there wasn't a mission that had to be done.

Tony pulled Morgan along to the kitchen and Bucky had rejoined me on the couch, watching me complete the sudoku puzzle I was working on. I could feel the nervous energy coming from him as if he wanted to say something.

“What’s on your mind Buck?” I asked, not looking away from my puzzle.

“Huh, oh. Just thinking that's all.”

“Want to indulge me? I can feel your anxiety radiating from you.” I teased him, turning to see his sweet face.

“Do you want kids?” he asked bluntly. My heart dropped to my stomach and the smile that was on my face had faded as soon as the words left his mouth. “I mean like after we get married or something. I know we've only been dating for like a year or so, but we've never talked about this.” he said his hands fiddling in his lap as he watched my reaction.

“I- uh. I- well ummm I-”

“Uncle Bucky! Lets go to the park! Please!! Daddy said it was alright now!” Morgan interrupted my flustered stuttering.

“Ok MiniMo. I'll be right there. Go put on your jacket.” He smiled as she skipped away back to the door. “I didn't mean to upset you. We can talk about it later. I’ll see you in a bit.” he said before kissing my head and following Morgan out the door.

I watched his retreating form with tears glazing my eyes. My vision shifted from the hallway to see Tony standing in the doorway of the kitchen, his arm crossed over his chest and a sympathetic look on his features.

“Need to talk about something? I don't have to be in the lab yet.” He offered, moving towards me.

“I- I- He’s gonna hate me.” I whispered.

“Why’s that?” he sat down next to me, his good arm slug around the back of the couch.

“He asked if I wanted kids, probably because he wants them but I don't. I can't. He’s gonna hate me.” I turned to Tony.

“Did he explicitly say that he wanted kids? That he wanted to start a family with you.”

“No but -”

“EH- stop. If he didnt straight up say he wanted kids then don't be so worried. He’s asking what you want in the future.” he said.

“But what if he wants a family. I can't give him that Tony. I can't give him what he had, what he might want.” 

“And if he truly loves you it won't be a problem. He might want a family but there are other ways to have kids.”

“No Tony, you don't understand. I don't want to have children at all. I can't deal with the stress of raising someone. I don't want to have a child just to mess them up because I’m not mother material.”

“Pepper thought that for a while. She doubted her ability but now look, we've got this amazing daughter.”

“You're not listening to me. I'm not mother material. I'm a mercenary. Pepper is an executive Business woman. She knows what it's like to have a family, how a child should be raised. I have no idea what that's like. I didn't have that luxury, I wouldn't know where to start. She doubted herself for a moment in life, I on the other hand have known forever that I will never be good enough to be a mother, whether it was my own child or adopted. I'm not made for that life.” I argued, the pain settling in my chest.

“Come on Y/n/n, you can't seriously believe that.” Tony said.

“I 100% do. I was raised as a killer, not a lover. I don't nurture things. I manage to kill everything I touch in time.” I stated, “I'm gonna go shower. Good luck with your projects.” I said before walking out of the room.

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I closed the bedroom door behind me and tossed my sudoku book onto the unmade bed. I looked at the clock on the wall watching the hands move. I began pacing along the carpet lost in my thoughts. Bucky's face ingrained in my memory, the way his eyebrows were furrowed in concentration, the lines creased on his forehead, the way his eyes flitted to mine after he asked the question of curiosity swimming within and a hopeful gleam.

Of course he would want a family. He grew up with a sister and a loving mother. And Steve was practically his brother. Why wouldn't he want a daughter or a son of his own. He loves Morgan and he loves spending time with her so of course he's pictured himself with his own children one day.

I ran a hand over my face trying to wipe away the worry. I pulled my shirt over my head dropping it onto the floor with my sweatpants before walking into the bathroom. I turned the water to the hottest setting possible watching the room fill with steam almost immediately.

The water cascaded around me, trailing off my fingertips and dripping from my hair. The cool tile of the floor underneath my huddled form wasn't noticeable with the steaming water hitting my back. My arms were wrapped around my legs as I sat on the floor of the shower, my head leaning against the wall reimagining the look that Bucky had given me. It had morphed to a pained look, one of disgust, of hatred. 

“Hey Y/n? Everything alright? Tony said you needed to talk to me.” Bucky's voice broke me from my trance. I heard the bathroom door open and close behind him. He knocked against the tinted glass door to the shower. “Can I join you?”

“If you want to.” I said quietly, pulling myself off the floor as he got undressed and stepped in. His hands wrapped around my waist.

“What's going on doll?” HIs deep voice whispered as he left kisses on my shoulder.

“Maybe we should break up.” I said quietly. His grip loosened a little and his kisses stopped.

“What are you talking about?”

“I just don't want to hold you back from something you want.” I said.

“Is this about what  I asked earlier? Because I didn't mean that we had to have kids now. I know that our lives are still kinda hectic. We can wait. I don't mind.” he said, his hands turning me to face him.

“I can't have kids. Even if I could I don’t want kids. And you obviously want a family. I can't give you that. I can't give you what you had growing up. I can't give you a loving family like you want.” tears were freely streaming down my cheeks.

“We don't need kids to have a loving family. I have you. That's enough for me.” he reassured, his hands cupping my face.

“But you want kids. I see how you act with Morgan. You adore her.” I said.

“I do adore her, but that doesnt mean I want kids. I adore you much more than risking losing you over wanting children. I'm fine without kids. We can have a dog instead.”

“But- I-”

“Stop. Listen to me closely; I don't need children to have a family with you. It can just be me and you. I don’t care just as long as I’m sharing my future with you.” he said gently but stern. “Now come on, let’s get out and go play with Morgan, ok?”

I simply nodded and followed his lead out of the shower. He took my towel and dried me off gently, finishing by placing a kiss on my lips.

“I love you, you know that.” he smiled tilting my chin up to meet his gaze.

“I love you too. I'm sorry.”

“There's nothing to apologize for, doll. Nothing at all.” he said with another smile before crushing me in a hug.

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S.S: Hope you like this! I saw a tiktok with Sebastian being amazing with kids and it was adorable but like at the same time I lowkey despise kids because they come from a special place in hell so this story came out. Anyways.... thanks fro reading!!

[prettyinmud]

an open letter to the humans who hurt me.

I understand that some people have had it worse, believe me. I’ve built walls to stop myself from opening up because of how many people i’ve trusted in the past who just told me “it’s not all that bad, it could have been worse.”

To the father that hurt me, yes it could have been worse, it always can be worse, but it wouldn’t have to be bad at all if it weren't for you. You lit the first match that burnt my whole life down. You stayed long enough for my sister to know what a family looked like. You packed her lunches and read her stories and took her fishing. You worked and payed bills and came home to cook supper. You were a husband, you were a daddy, you were amazing.

when it was my turn, you stopped all that. you couldn’t keep your fucking unfaithful eyes off the woman across the street. the woman who watched us so my mom could have a night off. you played family with her, we were the babies, you were the daddy, she was the mommy. but she wasnt my mommy. my mommy was at home crying, not knowing where she went wrong.

when i was 3 months old you walked out and you walked right in to a new family. you saw us every other weekend, but you saw them every day. You were a daddy again, but to the wrong little girls. Daddy, you were the first one to break my heart, you broke it into a million pieces and i can never explain to you how hard it is to fall in love and give my heart to someone when its not all there. You took a piece of it with you because i love you so much and you’re gone. I mean you’re not really gone, you’re off with the next bitch that you chose over us. I’ll never be the same, because i don’t know what its like to have a father.

I cant explain how wrong it is that when i picture you, i picture you with a bottle, bottoms up daddy. Every now and then i get a different picture, the one where you’re smashing your head off the walls because you got so drunk at my going away party. The party YOU threw to show your little girl that you were going to miss her when she moved away. I slept on the neighbours couch that night, after crying for hours and in the morning you acted like nothing was wrong. That was the last memory i had of you for a whole 7 months.

To the mother that used me, i understand that you’ve had it rough too. i really do. I watched from a really young age, all the suffering you had to go through. I know it was hard raising two girls on a one person income. I watched you bust your ass, and i appreciated it every day. But what gave you the right to manipulate me?

You were working, i was going to school. we both came home tired every day. we both could have helped out. we could have shared the chores, we could have shared the duties. but you put it all on me. 14 years old is too young to do all the housework, all the cooking, all the stressing.

I tried to have a social life, but i ended up going my whole life without having a best friend because the only best friend i had time for was you. I was so brain washed because whenever i refused to do something you called me an ungrateful bitch. So i was grateful, i was grateful that you gave birth to me and i was grateful that you put a roof over my head. But part of me hates you every day because i almost failed high school because of you.

to the boy who raped me, i had the biggest crush on you in high school. you were always so quiet, i dont think i ever saw you say a word to anyone. but trust me i noticed you, every day i noticed you. you were just starting to grow a beard, and it looked really good. I was so attracted to you. I was smitten when you got on the same bus i took home every day. I was smitten when you got off at the same stop. I was smitten when you entered the same building where i lived. I can’t remember how we ended up actually talking for the first time, but remember being smitten when i found out you lived in the apartment right next to mine. 

sometimes we would text and then we’d both sneak out and sit in the stairwell of the building and we would just talk. We talked about your brother, your cousin, your mother, our friends, our hobbies and our dreams. I was smitten the first time you kissed me.

but shortly after the first kiss you expected more. I explained that i wasn’t that kind of girl and you would just tease me. I was smitten, so i didn’t realize how dangerous that was.

we both lived on the bottom floor of the building, with views of the parking lot. You used that to your advantage, didnt you? you watched my mom leave one night and you came and knocked on my door. I was smitten, so i answered.

You pushed me in and closed the door, you didnt even move out of the front hallway, you just pinned me against the wall and ripped my clothes. I cried and tried to fight you off, but you had a lot of power over me. You bit me so hard my skin was blue for weeks, it was hard to make excuses. I won’t go in to detail about what happened after you dragged me into my own bedroom, my own bed. I can’t have sex in my own bedroom anymore, thanks for that.

As if it wasn’t bad enough, seeing you for the rest of high school, skipping 3 days a week so i didnt have to face you, i still see you. You go to the gym next to my work, we take the same bus sometimes, we shop at the same walmart (because theres only one nearby) 

every time i see your face, my heart sinks to my toes and i can’t help but cry. I’m still scared when i hear knocks at the door. You fucked me up beyond repair.

To the boyfriend who abused me, i think i could have handled the physical abuse, i would have escaped without long term damage. I could have kept some of my sanity, some of my confidence, i maybe would have ended up alright in the end. But not only did you lay your hands on me, you fed me backhanded compliments every day, and then those turned into flat out insults. From there, insults turned into arguing, and arguing turned into screaming and yelling, and that turned into you threatening me. Threats turned into you raising your hand or stomping towards me. and then the real bad stuff happened.

you made me feel ugly every day for months, you’d insult my hair, my clothes. fuck, you even told me you’d rather be with my best friend.

I almost lost a job because i had a panic attack when i saw a mop and remembered the night you hit me across the face with one in front of my two best friends. When i see an open window, i remember the night i got half way out of one before you dragged me back in by my feet. When people raise their hand for a high five, i flinch and cover my face and they get insulted. When i see a Chevy cavalier i think of when you used take sharp corners so i would hit my head against the window.

 sometimes i fantasize about being confident. Something that seems so simple is what i day dream about. Some days i think i’ll be normal some day, and other days i hold a blade to my wrist with a suicide note beside me. Some days i listen to trap music while i do my makeup and dance around my room in my favorite outfits, and other days i listen to sad music and i sit in baggy clothes and stare at the wall for what feels like hours, thinking about reasons that i shouldn't end my life.

but for now i am here. I am breathing and i am eating and sleeping and i’m doing the best that i can. I just hope that life has more to offer than this.