#feel like maybe I’d just better off home? but then I’d feel hopeless about being stuck here? i don’t know really

[celestialtarot11]

PAC: Random Messages for You

Hi friends! Thought I’d do something tarot related instead of astrology today. Do enjoy and let me know your feedback down below! <: it means a lot to me and this blog.

Pile 1: Hi there pile 1! You may be experiencing a disconnect within your home life, or not even that but a disconnect to spirituality. There may be a lot of shifts and changes happening in your life at the moment, and it feels as though there’s a lot of tension within you. I’m seeing a box and it keeps folding in on itself, imploding not exploding. All that tension is really sitting within you. I encourage some (I heard bath therapy) so maybe some of you like to take baths with herbs, crystals, and candles. Do that! There may be some uninvited energy around you at the moment. Also some of you need sleep. Rest. Stay off the phone before bedtime, and if you can, meditate! Meditation can look different, for some its sitting in nature, going on a walk, or laying there. There’s a really huge shift here—I don’t think you expected this ending to have happened either with someone you loved or this disconnect either spirituality. I almost feel as if there’s this longing, but also hopeless feeling of: “why? Spirit? Why me?” And I heard: it matters where you are. So, if you’re in an environment where there are people taking advantage of you how can you set boundaries? What do you need? How can you make this process easier for you? It’s likely these people or this place is contributing to your issues at the moment. I also believe spirit wants to let you know that they hear you and are there for you <3 “it matters where you are,” they know, they’ve heard your prayers. If you need confirmation this is it. Journaling can help a ton, there’s a lot of mental energy but in the sense that its squashed. Normally you feel pretty upbeat but it almost feels as if there’s defeat and its a little too silent with all the things you wish to say. Express yourself. Cry it out. I also heard hug it out! So hug it out if you can with a friend, hugging yourself, or hugging a stuffed animal. Yoga may be great for releasing trapped emotions in the body too. I hope you feel better pile 1 <3 thank you for your support and being here.

Pile 2: Hi there pile 2! Welcome! For you I feel as though there’s a lot of green energy around you at the moment. It surrounds you like a garden! I can see your aura with vines, curling up to protect your space and flowers blooming all around. So beautiful! Im also hearing it took a long time to tend to this garden, so you really did take a lot of time to focus on your confidence, healing and transformation. Im also seeing a mermaid emerge from the sea and she’s by the moon. She looks carefree! That’s you. I feel as though you’re learning to vibe with being alone and being okay with being single, although you don’t necessarily have to be. You may be in a position of power in your career now or in the future will be. Im seeing someone grab a book and write down all their ideas and goals—with this determination in mind to make it happen! You may be a fixed sign or have multiple (Leo, Aquarius, Scorpio, Taurus) and suddenly it manifests. This is the kind of success you’ve been building up towards. I also heard this is the success where I feel at peace within myself. Its not necessarily about external factors (although it could be like owning a house—I heard that) its more so the peace that comes with trusting yourself now after all these years. I also see your third eye is open which is revealing to you things that were hidden before. Hidden knowledge. Im seeing spirit is giving you these messages as if its sacred—you’re drinking out of a golden goblet and its this magical juice lmao. Some of ya’ll have very imaginative inner childs and love to concoct stories, so maybe your inner child is out and about! I legit see your inner child dressed like a diva with their sunglasses, sparkly pink kitten heels to slay the day away! So cute. I just feel you have mended that relationship sincerely. You could be a: pisces, pisces 5h/1h, aries, leo, sag, cancer placements. I also see this is an important time for harvesting results. I heard: there is result beyond fear. There is relief beyond fear. On the other side of fear there is joy. So perhaps this has been a mantra for you. I see EFT tapping therapy, so maybe some of you engaged in this. I see breath work, learning to work with your energy. I heard kundalini as well! So some of you may certainly be focused on spirituality and practices. Your inner child is so important—literally hearing their words of awe at the world. Your encouragement means so much to them right now, it’s as if they’re allowing themselves to express themselves again! Thanks pile 2 for being here <3 means a lot to me!

Pile 3: Hey ya’ll it’s 10:10 as I write this so there’s a strong presence of spiritual support! Love that. You guys might be a virgo rising, have virgo placements, virgo 2h, or strong mercurial aspects. An exalted mercury even! I see that for you guys there’s this hazy thick fog. It feels as though your energy is very much guarded and anyone who tries to come in is maybe hit with a wave of confusion. Kind of like they’re stunned. Its kind of cartoonish, and silly. But I see this as a protective mechanism! You guys have been focused on getting your life together especially your finances. You could be budgeting more, spending less, and overall grinding. Keep it on the low and hustling. I also lots of self care so maybe you’ve switched your routine, you’re getting your hair done, nails, lashes, etc. You want to feel your best self and Im literally seeing your spirit team cheer and fist bump. Its like they’ve been wanting you to love yourself and—“finally you got the message,” is what I heard 😭 I’m also hearing “pump it up,” I know its a song, its pop music, really catchy. There’s a lot of happy bright energy surrounding you and I think you’re really feeling yourself. And I think that anyone who tries to disturb your peace I literally see you putting on sunglasses to act like they don’t exist. I feel like you guys are also really funny which people don’t expect—you have a very dry humor and might be great and stand up comedy. I also feel your phone is filled with a bunch of memes to go on the daily. It’s on butt dial at this point. I feel as though you appear intimidating but you’re really funny, chill, and grounded. You may have taurus/Capricorn placements as well. Lots of earth! Maybe all your big 3 is earth. I feel as though you’re being told to enjoy yourself and have fun! Let loose and chuck the ruled aside momentarily. It wouldn’t hurt to let go. I think for so long you’ve been hustling and grinding—so its time to celebrate how far you came! You may attracting suitors or attention is what I heard lol, lots of eyes on you! Especially through this transformation. I see you going from alone to suddenly everyone is around you. So maybe you’re graduating, getting that promotion, it’s your birthday, or there’s an event coming up! This is really going to help you feel your best self <3 Im also hearing euro pop music, so maybe ya’ll are into that. And dream of euro pop blasting in clubs (bring back this era) I dont know if you know Inna and her music. “Hot” by inna is playing! But thanks pile 3 for being here! Sincerely appreciate it all. Your feedback means a lot to me.

Extra

Paid Readings 🤍

[kisses4reid]

convenient pt.3 | ·˚ ༘ spencer reid ,,

pt. 1 | pt.2 (you cannot read this without prior reading)

summary - spencer likes the girl from the convenience store

warnings - awkward conversations and long silences, both of them being hopeless romantics, allergies/sickness

genre - fluff!!! college!fem!reader x earlyseasons!spencer

a/n - thank you for the love and support on this series. it goes without saying i appreciate all of you all 🫶 thank u @raevyng for the cameo. sorry this is short, it’s either i upload this part or i make y’all wait for another week - i like you guys too much to do that.

“good job on you’re stem cell report, y/n. it was very informed and unique. i liked the, now who was it… william blake quote you included!” the teacher spoke before a class of 60. it was back to teaching new information before the next assessment, you were just about finished typing the professor’s notes before she spoke up. the mention of your name nearly made you jump.

a few of the students looked back up at you, some looking around because they had no clue who you were. you liked it better that way.

you also had no idea who william blake was.

“oh- um. thanks.” you say barely above a whisper. professor raena simply smiled and pushed back her shoulder length bob from her face. she started talking again, so did your friend.

“thanks? the professor who’s known to call out people for their incompetence more than smile in the classroom just praised you. that’s all you had to say?”

maybe logan wasn’t your friend per say. maybe she was just someone who sat next to you the first class and also happened to be your neighbour. she was stubborn and straight-forward, insanely intelligent and also smelt great. but she was caring, and gave you tough love when you needed it.

you glanced at her and smiled awkwardly, “i didn’t have much time to think about an answer.”

“i spend most of my time thinking about what i’d say to professor raena if she ever complimented me.”

“that’s because your-“ you suddenly muffle a cough into your hand, “obsessed with her.” you bring out a small packet of tissues from your bag and wipe your nose, nose reddening. logan leans slightly away from you and you roll your eyes.

“you’re not going to catch anything, it’s just allergies.” you lean back and try to continue typing notes but logan continues,

“you should go home, have some medicine, get some sleep.”

“i can’t, i’ve got work.” you whispered, a man in front of you turning around to shoot you with a side eye.

“you’ve told me multiple times that your manager wouldn’t care if you stole from the store. i’ve also told you many times i also don’t care.”

“yeah well… i like working there, that’s all.”

she rolls her eyes again, and waves you off, her long brown hair blocking her disappointed expression from you.

you stayed loyal to your job for two nights, for nothing. sure you got paid, and sure you got to steal some strawberry milk to ease your throat for a couple of minutes, but it felt boring. you actually started to file through the month old magazines you sold for double the price of a new one. you almost made it a third day without dying of allergies (and another secret feeling of sickness you constantly ignored), before you decided you were over it.

you stood up, flipped the door sign so the word ‘open’ faced you, and turned off half of the fluorescent lights before someone was suddenly in the corner of your eyes. spencer was opening the door so quickly you thought you were being robbed, you wouldn’t have seen him if not for the bell ringing on his entry.

“y/n.” he panted, watching your fingers hover over the last light switch. there was two lights left flickering softly above the front door and the check out desk. he looked stoic in the light, dressed in a grey sweater a little too big for him (like his mother had bought it for him telling him he’d grow into it) and black slacks. he seemed to have gotten a trim, his hair just under his ears now. “you don’t close until 1.”

he was confused, eyes wandering with a light hint of relief. like he was happy he didn’t miss you.

“yeah.” is all you said before you turned away from the light switch and returned to the register, assuming he would get his usual. but he didn’t keep walking, he just turned his body to face you. his eyes were expectant, delirious in a way like he needed something from you.

it was silent before the tension literally forced you to speak, “um. i need to close the store before i pass out. so i can uh… get home alive.” you look down and realise the pile of tissues before you was making a mountain, quickly grabbing them and stuffing them in an over filled bin.

“um.” a cat caught his tongue, he looked down to his feet.

spencer was sitting in his desk chair, scrolling on his government provided computer through forums and websites on ‘how to ask out a girl.’ not realising a majority of his team was reading them as well. he heard a small, familiar giggle behind him, quickly closing the tab and turning his head to be met with many other faces. jj slapped garcia on the shoulder with a smile, who’s hand was over her mouth, morgan and emily also smiling. spencer sighed and was about to cover for himself before morgan stepped in,

“look, pretty boy. no websites or article is ever going to teach you how to ask out a girl. they know nothing.”

emily joined, “yeah, none of those things are going to work. i mean, one of those said ‘don’t take no for an answer’. that’s straight up harassment.” she chuckled. morgan walked forward and placed a hand on spencer’s shoulder.

“all you have to do is talk. learn to what she likes, and be confident.”

“that’s easy for you to say.” spencer mumbled.

“who is this girl anyways? who’s taking our genius away from us?” garcia asked, today her hair was adorned with green themed pieces and a small pink flower clip.

spencer couldn’t help but let the corners of his mouth perk up when he thought about the girl who worked at the convenience store. the girl who’s report honestly impressed him. the girl who knew his total without looking at the register. the girl who called him good looking without noticing, like it slipped off of her tongue with no second thought. “just someone.”

you were not just someone.

“yeah you should get home. you look terrible.” spencer’s eyes widened as you raised an eyebrow, “no i mean- not terrible- you never look or have ever looked terrible- i just meant today- no you- like you’re sick and obviously- i mean you don’t obviously look terrible- it’s just uh…” he nodded at himself after he noticed a smile creeping onto your face. “you know what i mean.”

“i know i look terrible, thank you.” he was slowly walking up to the register.

“you really should go home, i shouldn’t keep you here because of some coffee.”

you eyes stung and were puffed in redness, you nose dried yet running, eyebrow lines permanent from warding off a migraine. any other customer you would stay for, but you felt less guilty with him. not because you didn’t care, because you knew he did.

“yeah, thank you.” you grabbed your bag, put your empty water bottle into it and walked over to the lights, turning off the last ones, leaving you both in darkness. spencer was waiting for you, quite creepily as he was basically just a block of void. “you sure you don’t need your 3 minute lasagne?” you joked, and he smiled.

“no, this is fine.”

this? them? you thought this man was articulate.

you opened the door with a key-accessed button that automatically locked it after it closed, and walked into the warm streetlight with spencer.

“bye spencer.” you looked up to him only to find his eyes already on you. his face was plain of emotion, except maybe it was just the lighting that made you think he looked disappointed. not at you, at himself. he was silent, hands making their way into his pockets. it was a habit, you had learned. “what’s wrong spencer?” you asked softly, sniffling immediately after.

it was cold, the wind let a stray piece of hair cross your stuffy features.

“do you like old bookstores, y/n?”

you blinked, taken aback. “yeah. i like old bookstores.” you huddled into your sweater, a darker grey compared to his with a large font displaying your university.

“okay, goodbye y/n. see you tomorrow.” he hurried off into his car and you followed him with you eyes in curiosity.

you were already walking away before he could turn around and ask you something, he felt like he had missed his chance. but there would be more. spencer closed his eyes in frustration and took a breath, starting his car before texting the team’s group chat.

“Attempt One failed. 😐👎”

there was a string of messages after but he didn’t read them. all he could think about was the percentage of people who die alone, and then the percentage of people who are like you.

the next night he appeared at the normal time, around nearly 11pm. but he wasn’t the only one, logan was there with you, studying behind you on the floor.

she was bored, and needed to get out of her room, and the only person she knew well enough was you. there in her mens pyjama pants and an over-sized shirt that read ‘RIP Princess Diana’ with a photo of owen wilson on it, her computer warmed her lap and made a soft whirling sound the in the background.

“hi y/n.” spencer waved, he felt bad about last night. you were barely walking straight when you left and he could tell you wouldn’t get out of your ‘work clothes’ (whatever you wanted to wear with a vest over it) before falling onto your mattress, and he drove away. he didn’t even offer to take and walk you home, let alone give you a ride. but his hands were sweating and his heart thumping in his ears, and he couldn’t think straight.

“oh, hi spencer.” you turned from your own textbook splayed on the counter beside you to see spencer and his tall self. a bag of apples, a 2 minute bolognese container, and a bag of coffee. you scan them, weigh the apples, and watch him.

he wasn’t meeting you eyes. you furrowed your eyebrows for a second before telling him his total with a sniffle.

“i’m sorry for not driving you home,” he lifted his head, a piece of chocolate brown hair crossing his left eye, “or walking you home. or making sure you made it home safe.”

you widened your eyes slightly and sat still before spencer cleared his throat and continued, “i was nervous, about being around you. and my friends- my colleagues- told me i need to be more confident around you so.”

logan had stopped writing, glancing through her bangs up at you both. your mouth was slightly agape before you realised how stupid you looked and how awkward you were making it.

“oh- no it’s okay spencer, you don’t have to say sorry. i was- i’m fine. um,” you tilt your head with the corner of your lips quirking up with little resistance, “you talk about me to your friends?”

spencer nodded, put his hands in his pockets and thought for a second. he wished there was a better place to do this, a better person to take over for him.

all you have to do is talk.

spencer is great at talking.

“did you know that you could be scrolling for seven weeks before you can reach the end of ‘how to ask a girl out’ results on google? i was scrolling for a long time but then my friends told me to just talk and be confident, but i’m only good at one of those thing. so i was trying to ask you out last night but then i- well i failed basically, it isn’t my strong suit,” he took a breath, “so basically i’m saying sorry for not asking you out and not driving you home.”

it was silent, even a customer stopped humming.

“and also your allergy medication isn’t strong enough for your symptoms.” he glanced down to a white and blue box by your hand. you looked down, seeing logan in the corner of your eyes, hand covering her face.

“spencer-“

“dude just ask her out.”

spencer’s face dropped, and he looked over the counter to find another woman sat down, a cringed out expression on her face. his nervousness increased after he realised this wasn’t as private a conversation as he thought. wiping his hand on his vest, he continue with a gulp,

“no i can’t. not here, um. i’ll see you on monday. and i promise i’ll uh- be better? i’ll try again, so. okay see you on monday.” he quickly took his groceries and walked off quite speedily. you watched him walk away and then once he was out of sight, you simply stared at the box of allergy medication on the counter.

logan groaned in the background and said something about growing balls, but it was tv silence for you.

you didn’t know how to go out with someone, your last relationship was in your first year of high school with a guy who thought baby’s came out of a woman’s bum. not that spencer meant he wanted a relationship, no it could just be a friend ‘going out’. totally not romantic.

you slump and stuff your face in your hands. you didn’t care if you hadn’t dated for however long, he didn’t seem to be a man-whore at all. you just cared about how you were actually going to say yes to a man you’ve only talked to inside of an off-brand convenience store on the night shift.

you muffle a scream before the same silent customer placed a carton of milk on the counter.

“$2.50.” you grumble.

you carried logan’s computer bag as she took out a box of strawberry pocky on the sidewalk. the store was locked, the air was crisp, the light was flickering. you didn’t say much until logan couldn’t stand it anymore.

“you know when you’re this silent it’s actually pretty nice, i like peaceful walks home.” you nodded, and continued your racing thoughts with your line of vision stuck on the concrete as you both walked the block to your apartments. she sighed, “but it’s odd. you love talking. a guy likes you and you go mute?”

“his name is spencer, he does something dangerous for a living, he likes old books and drinks a lot of coffee. he gets home late at night, looks skinny but can lift a box of flour above his head with ease. he’s insanely smart and reads poetry, and helped me with my stem cell report.”

you look over at logan who looks a little disgusted but mainly confused.

“he helped me lift that box of flour without me asking. i have no idea who william blake is. i have no idea how he managed to put poetry in a biology report, and i have no idea how he can admit he’s going to ask me out and then not ask me out. his favourite colour is purple, his favourite fruit is grapes but he buys apples because they’re cheaper. and his name is… spencer.”

logan stopped in her tracks, making you copy. you flung out of whatever trance you were stuck in and raised an eyebrow at logan, “what?”

“what? oh no i don’t know, maybe you’ve just never told me about a man you happen to know a lot about, and yet don’t know anything about. you sound insane- not in the ‘loony-bin way’, in the romcom way. it’s disgusting.”

you both continued to walk, climbing the stairs to the foyer of your building before she took back her bag and gave you the pocky, mumbling, “you need these more than me.”

the elevator ride was mostly silent, and that continued before you both unlocked your apartment doors right beside each other.

“you need to ask him out, if he doesn’t do it first.” she entered her apartment before you could speak, let alone think.

suddenly your apartment felt lonely.

so did spencer’s.

he was cross legged on his plush couch on a call with penelope garcia, she was squealing every second minute trying to create a plan for spencer to ask someone out.

“spence, you’re making this very hard. how am i supposed to be your coach if i only have half a team?”

“you can find someone’s address with half a fingerprint, i think you’ll be fine.” he takes a bite of his 2 minute bolognese.

“that takes the fun out of it. i can only give you tips if i know her personality.”

spencer sighed, and thought for a second, he could practically hear penelope’s growing smile knowing she had won.

“her names y/n.” garcia squealed. “she’s smart and pretty. and her favourite colour’s purple and she studies biology. she knows my groceries off my heart and she’s allergic to pollen. she works late at night at the convenience store two blocks away from my apartment building, and she likes old book stores. she’ll be introverted around an extroverted person, but extroverted around an introverted person. she can read my expressions faster than anyone else, she tries out different hairstyles when nobody’s in the store, and she’s funny.” spencer smiles to himself, “she’s pretty.”

“you mentioned that, lover boy.”

pt.4

taglist: @jeffswh0re @hypotheticallyspeakingwitch @trashmonstersara @wannabewolf @evysian @navs-bhat @mywellspringoflife @daphnesutton @smalls155 @amortencjja @anuncalledbridge @belsreid @redmurderbaby @tatilolz @criminalmindsandhouse @forensicuntology @nomajdetective @ilikw @screechingphantommaker

[kazumist]

EPISODE 23 ✦ PLEASE DONT SAY YOU LOVE ME

LOVE, MAYBE — A CHILDE SMAU

masterlist / prev ep / next ep / wc: 838.

with an ice cream already consumed, ajax is walking you home now. it was a silent walk; only the sounds of the leaves slightly rustling around you as well as both of your footsteps can be heard in the area. 

you liked childe—it took you long enough to realize that. but it’s still a lot for you to process. you think it’s mutual, but how can you be so sure? maybe childe is just like that to the people he cares about, right? but god, it surely makes your heart drop to your stomach at the thought of someone else also receiving this treatment from him.

is this an effect of an eldest daughter who’s also a hopeless romantic? perhaps. romantic love was an unfamiliar concept to you, after all. no matter how much you read or consume media that consists of the theme of romance, it will never be enough to give you the understanding that you wish to grasp with the concept. before you knew it, you had already let your words slip.

"why are you doing this?"

"why shouldn't i be doing this?" he asks back, slightly tilting his head to the side.

"i don't get it, childe. why are you doing this?"

childe pauses for a moment, realizing that you are actually serious with your question. he doesn't reply immediately, finding the right words to say first.

"it's because... i love you," he says, only realizing it now as well. he had always liked you, of course, but ajax had only realized that he loved you. he had loved you for a while now.

"what?" you asked him in disbelief.

"i love you, (name)."

"but... why?"

"is a reason necessary?"

your breath hitched at his words. "i—of course it's necessary! i don't get it. i'm a difficult person. i refuse to communicate. i push people away even though deep inside i know i need help because, even as a child, i never got any sort of assistance to begin with. i pressure myself to the point it's way too overwhelming. i fear that one day i'll end up being useless in my own life. i can hardly even understand myself so what more if others would try? i... i find that i'm undeserving of love because there are others who need it more than me."

"so please, ajax. there's no use in loving me. you'll just get tired in the end. there's someone out there who's more deserving of the love you have to give."

please don't say you love me, because i might not say it back.

"no."

"what? didn't you hear what i just said? i'm difficult to love, ajax—"

"i heard it, but that doesn't change the fact that i still love you nonetheless," he replies, taking a step closer.

"(name), i love you with everything i am, everything i've been, and everything i hope to be, and i'll continue to love you even when you push me away. i will always find my way home to you. i'll be there to pull you back up before you sink any further under the pressure you give yourself. you'll never be useless—i'll make sure that you never feel that way. i will understand you no matter whatever it is that needs to be understood with you."

"you are not undeserving of love, because if there's one person in the world that i'd choose to pour my love on, it would be you," he finishes.

“i… no.”

“what?”

“no—i.. i can’t. i’m sorry, tartaglia.” the use of his last name stung for him a bit. “it’s fine if you can’t right now; i’m willing to wai—” you cut him off before he could finish the word. “don’t!” he flinches at the sudden raise of your voice and is taken aback. “why?”

“please… just don’t. there’s others who are better and more deserving of you than me. why me? you’ll just be wasting your time if you wait for me. i probably wouldn’t be able to give you a proper answer. i.. how are you so sure that you love me?”

“that’s fine with me, (name). it’s okay for me to go through all of that because i know i would be doing it for you.” 

stop it. please.

“my answer is still no.”

i’d rather not risk it. i don’t want to take someone for granted, especially if that someone is you.

“but—”

this is for the better.

“go away, ajax.”

he could feel the weakness in your voice when you said those three words. he tried to get closer by taking a step further, but you took a step back. that was when ajax realized that you were sure of your words. “let me still walk you home, just for tonight—this will be the last one,” he says. as you were about to decline, he spoke again first. “i don’t want you to walk home alone when it’s dark.”

even if this might be the last time i’ll get to do this.

extra notes.

wow double update ?!?! watch me ghost this app again for 2 months ... kidding !

had this episode sitting my drafts for MONTHS. im pretty sure this episode has been written ever since i was still uploading ep 5 maybe? somewhere during the making of the early episodes LAWLZ

smau playlist linked here !! pls give it a listen it gives u the extra feels 😋 this episode is highly inspired by please don't say you love me by gabrielle aplin <3

taglist (open): @xianyoon @mitsvriii @kizakiss @kissingkzuha @aethion @phtogravi @ell1e2010 @esthelily @b4tm4nn @hcmay @ivvieene @morganadorodo @kaitfae @kentply @scaranthropy @kyon-cherri @kookiibun @kochothehoe @mekiiiii @ibyobi @iuspired @tetsuskei @kunikuzushis-darling @morgyyyyyyy @chluuvr @scaradooche @kissmiere @a1-ic3 @bubblegum-angelquartz @tiredjxnna @levlucs-kiru @angeilix @cerisescherries @saeskiss @a-talkative-corn @briluvspnk @kamisatoyato @bbysatoruuu @viviixoxosblog @bambisz @chemiru @eternal-dokja @bflyprincess @jamieexistss @monocerosei @enjisthings @jangyung @hahalame @cupid-spams @snzhrchy @ukinya @luciledreamz @bisatanica @bananasquash @almond-t0fu @thegalaxyisunfolding @jaguarthecat [1/2]

[goldeneyedgirl]

TwiFicmas Redux: Shadow To Light

Happy New Year to everyone, and I hope 2024 is a beautiful and positive year for everyone - I think we've all earned it.

As promised, as an auspicious offering, the first 1000 words of the STL Ch 13 draft. Mary-Alice is being profoundly difficult about this chapter, but she's allowed to be a little bit messy.

Here's to a great year with more regular updates and more of my self indulgent nonsense ;)

Fourteen. Starved for so long of beauty

Once upon a time, a lifetime ago, she made a choice. It was an easy choice to make, because it was the right one. Because she didn’t truly know what came next; her certainty in her own visions, her certainty in who she was going to be - who the Major was going to be - had made her confident.

(She doesn’t regret it, she would never wish to go back and make a different decision. She just wishes… she just wishes that she knew better what was to come. What it was like to be stripped right down to the bone, layer by layer, from loneliness and violence and hopelessness. She wishes she’d read the contract she was signing in blood and tears and time, just so she could look fate in dead in the eye and make the same choice without a second thought.)

The Major smells like… he smells like something she doesn’t want to acknowledge.

(He smells like home.)

—

She feels silly after the worst of her panic attack is over, and the Major is there next to her with his arm around her. She feels utterly ridiculous, actually - the stolen t-shirt in her arms, curled against him so tightly… She almost feels ashamed.

(Except… she’s frustrated. She wants to demand answers - when is she allowed to fall down? When is she allowed to break apart and have someone else put together the pieces? In more than eighty years, it’s always been up to her to maintain control, to be the thing that bends but does not break and she’s so tired. But she’s also supposed to be better than this. Isn’t that what the Major always said? Why Peter always resented her? Even Maria noticed. Mary-Alice is sturdy, reliable, consistent. If she falls, she gets back up. It… it would just be nice not to, just once.)

“How are you feeling?”

The Major’s voice is warm and kind and it almost makes her feel less pitiful.

Almost.

“Present.” Her voice is quiet but her tone is clipped and distant, and she regrets it when she feels him withdraw slightly. She’s wrecking this, like she wrecks everything. It’s all she ever does.

(Maybe that’s why she was such a good soldier; she knows exactly how to ruin things.)

But the Major doesn’t leave. He just shifts so he’s not pressed quite so close, his cheek no longer resting against her hair. But his arm is still around her.

“Do you need to hunt?” He asks, and she doesn’t know. Everything feels odd and off balance and maybe she’s not as back as she originally thought.

So she doesn’t answer. She just rests her head back against the wall and closes her eyes.

The Major watches her for a moment before looking away. “When I met the Cullens,” he begins in a gentle voice, “I swear Esme only made Carlisle approach me because I resembled a drowned cat. Hadn’t stopped raining on the East Coast for weeks, and I’d been roaming the woods the entire time. I was disgusting. Maria would have thrown a bucket of water at my head weeks before if we’d been back home.

“And Esme took one look at me and whisper-bullied Carlisle into approaching me, like I couldn’t hear every single word. She kept saying that I looked cold.” The Major chuckles and she’s close enough that she feels the vibrations through his chest and it’s… it’s not unpleasant.

It’s strange being this close to another person and not being on edge. Not waiting for the killing blow, trying to figure out how to get to their throat first. Making sure that she knows exactly where their hands and teeth are, that she’s prepared for their next movement, for the tightening of their muscles before they lunge…

(It’s very strange being this close to someone, at all. She prefers to keep her distance normally. But this… it’s not the bad kind of strange, she doesn’t think. She’s just so intensely aware of him.)

“Just imagine it, will you - Esme wearing a tweed coat and riding boots and a hat to go hunting, and I look like a monster who spent a week sleeping in a swamp,” the Major continued, “And she was worried about me, like I was a soggy kitten.”

She can imagine it, honestly; his hair sticking to his face, and that gaunt, murderous look he got on his face when he was thirsty. Weeks of grime pressed into his clothing, his skin, looking like the monster from an old story or some mythological horror rising from the riverbed. Nothing sympathetic or pitiable about him for most people.

Right now, she feels oddly grateful to Esme for looking past all of that and seeing the Major as he could be.

“And you followed them home?” She tries to make the words sound light-hearted, but they fall flat and ugly, and she wants to take them back.

That makes the Major laugh out loud, a rumble against her side that is startling and she jumps a little.

“No. I told them to fuck off and leave me be; I had to tell them that a few times over the years until I gave in and talked to them. Let Esme convince me that taking a shower and accepting new clothing was a right and not charity. Let Carlisle remind me that I owed them nothing by ‘visiting’ with them. It took a long time for them to lure me over the threshold.” The Major takes her hand in his; his thumb smooths over a patch of scar tissue, a repetitive motion that feels… soft. Nice. “I think in the end, I hinted that I was ready for them to ask me to stay with them. I don’t think I was subtle about it either.”

“They didn’t ask you before then?” Mary-Alice feels the frustration boil for a second. She watched as much as she could bring herself to, for many years, and there are pieces that she’s missing. They just weren’t important enough for her to see, or something changed and recalling what she’d politely dismissed was too difficult.

(She had entrusted the Major to the Cullens. It didn’t matter that they had had no idea, all those years ago, her visions had made the contract. And even now, knowing that it all came together the way it was supposed to, it upsets her that he had to wait for so long to be taken home to his family.)

[talesfromasnarkylisa]

Stranded In Arendelle: Chapter 8

Rapunzel and Eugene were left alone behind the shelves as the others left.

“You know,” Rapunzel calmed down, “I’ve often had a complicated relationship with Dad. But I still loved him.”

Eugene gave Rapunzel a hug.

“If it makes you feel better,” Eugene comforted her, “I think he’s in a better place now.”

Right, Rapunzel thought. Heaven.

“It won’t be the same without him,” Rapunzel stated. 

“I’m going to miss the King getting on me for everything,” said Eugene.

“Yeah,” Rapunzel sighed.

All of the sudden, she started to resent Queen Elsa a little. 

If Elsa had not stormed off and left Arendelle in lethal snow, Rapunzel stewed, I’d be able to get back home sooner. 

“This is gonna sound strange,” Rapunzel added, “but I don’t really like the royal family of Arendelle all that much now. Especially the queen.”

“Sweetheart,” Eugene told her, “it’s not their fault that your dad died. He was sick for a while, remember?”

“That’s the thing,” Rapunzel responded. “We could have gotten back sooner if they weren’t so dramatic as to cause a damn blizzard.”

Eugene took Rapunzel’s hand.

“And what could we have done?” he asked Rapunzel.

“Say our final goodbyes,” Rapunzel answered. 

“True,” Eugene said. “But what did the royals of Arendelle know?”

Eugene’s answer did make sense to Rapunzel. Her family was notoriously private about health issues - especially seemingly minor ones. It also made her resentment grow. Surely she wasn’t the only person who lost someone they couldn’t meet thanks to the storm - right?

“I-” Rapunzel started.

But before she could finish, a duo of Arendellian guards came.

“Eugene Fitzherbert, you are under arrest!”

As soon as the words came out, the 28 year old man was drugged unconscious.

…

Rapunzel, Nuru, and Tony were left alone in the library.

“So…” Tony wondered, “you’re the princess of Corona?”

“Yes,” Rapunzel responded. “What now?” 

“We find Eugene,” said Nuru. “Right?”

Rapunzel sighed.

“I guess,” she lamented. “Doesn’t it feel kind of pointless? How will we even get into the dungeons?”

“Are you seriously going to give up on your husband?” Nuru pointed out. “That’s like, the opposite of you. At least from what I’ve heard.”

“Maybe it is,” Rapunzel sat down. “But why should I care now? Back then, I had magical hair. I was young and adventurous and had all these possibilities in front of me. Now? I’m just an ordinary princess who’s fair game to heckle because my dad sometimes made questionable decisions.”

Nuru thought for a moment.

“When I first met you,” Nuru told Rapunzel, “I felt pretty hopeless about a lot of things. My home life, my kingdom, if things would ever improve. I wanted to help, but I just didn’t know how. But being with you inspired me. I’ve gained new skills along the way - like surviving in snowy weather. I was there while you went through stormy wind and chills to find Eugene. I also learned how to have fun, building that snowman with you. Because I haven’t taken the time to enjoy life in a long time.”

“You’re brave and strong and resourceful,” Nuru continued. “And you might not think you are, but you’re smart. You figured out how to operate a telegraph pretty quickly compared to most people I’ve met. Not to mention, you correctly guessed that something was up with the royal family of Arendelle before a lot could.”

Rapunzel sniffed.

“So what?” she frowned. “We’re still in Arendelle, stuck in a seemingly neverending winter!”

“You’ve survived an unnatural winter before,” Nuru reassured, “right? It did end. Even before that, remember Gothel? You were kidnapped for 18 years, and you’re still here. Besides, you’re Rapunzel. And I know the determinator is in you.”

Rapunzel thought about what Nuru was saying. Part of the Coronan princess still wanted to give up.

But another part didn’t. Beneath a thickening veneer of cynicism and exhaustion was a fiery spirit not ready to surrender just yet. Perhaps rescuing Eugene would be futile. Maybe by the time she got there, he’d be executed like her father tried to do to him all those years ago.

What if, though, there was still hope?

(Wattpad version: https://www.wattpad.com/1470308766-stranded-in-arendelle-chapter-8)

[vizthedatum]

I understand and hope this is a temporary feeling, but it’s moments like these when I feel like things are really unfair even though life is looking up.

I am focusing more and more on myself, and I love that!

My friend group is amazing.

I am trusting myself that my career and finances will get better with time.

I’ve put so much work into myself, my hobbies, and my living situation.

Yet, I still feel a pull toward wanting to build something with someone(s) in a meaningful and reciprocal way… and it bothers me that I don’t know if it will happen for me.

Because if it doesn’t, I’d like to know. I’d like to know so I can give up on the dream.

—

I attempt to give up on the dream nearly daily - even in the last year and a half when I’ve had partners.

I also wish so hard and come up with so many fantasies of what my dream would look like… and I break down crying every time.

What would it feel like to be present, in the moment, with a partner who I had a home with? To not feel alone even when I’m off doing my own thing somewhere else? To feel so safe… so safe that I put in the time and energy to keep it safe, with them?

What would it feel like to look at them and know from their whole vibe that they’re in this with me? That they’re not just going to conceal (intentionally or unintentionally) who they are or pleasure seek to fill in some void, but they’d work on being the best self they could be?

What does it feel like to choose, day after day, to be so mutually emotionally available, marvelously flawed, and deeply in love?

—

When I have disabling or very hard days like today, I do encounter many moments of fear, hopelessness, and anxiety: who will want me like this?

And lately I’ve been validating myself: I WANT ME LIKE THIS. FUCK IT, I AM GONNA TREAT MYSELF IN ANY WAY POSSIBLE.

I’ve been doing it even when I’m melting down, in pain, not being able to do anything, etc.

I can feel myself getting stronger.

But that fear remains.

Maybe I’m just meant to hookup and/or have shallow (shallower than I want - not a judgment/moral critique) relationships my entire life.

I am still having a hard time trusting people to want to stick around and respect me - to commit to me because I *also* fit into their life too. Will I ever fit into someone’s life, not out of force or want, but out of alignment?

I am deeply frustrated that people don’t show me how to love them - and I try haphazardly to do what I can, and I feel like I fall short or mess up.

It also sucks that I don’t feel valued, heard, desired, and wanted so much of the time - an issue that I know I need to work on personally… but I also wish more people were considerate of that.

I hate that I have concerns that take me so long to process and open up about - and that those are often not taken as seriously as I deserve them to be.

I am ANNOYED that I can’t just conjure up actual, real life, human partner(s) who want to nest and try to have children with me. Last year, I had told myself that wasn’t a standard for me, but I realized that it’s an overwhelming desire.

Currently, I don’t think I can have a non-nesting/not-co-parent partner without a nesting/co-parent partner(s) already established in my life.

And if I do have a baby by myself? I want to be completely single when I do it - I will not allow anyone to date me and not want to co-parent if I’m going through that process.

(It took some time and therapy to admit all this… and maybe it will change but that’s how it is for now)

I don’t want to date people who don’t treat me like a significant priority.

I hate that people initially love me for how I make them feel… and I feel heartbroken when I see their commitment fade while still wanting to reap the “benefits” of being in my life. Then call me crazy/manic or other derogatory terms when I want to figure it out… or worse, when they just detach without explanation.

I want something long-term and spiritually significant, and I feel like I just don’t know when, how, or where.

All I can do is focus on myself… and I know that’s the right path, but part of focusing on myself is to keep going after my dreams.

And as I said, I wish I knew if it was going to happen or not, because then I could kill the dream of having a partner/family… and authentically commit and proposition people who I love, who don’t want that.

[heresmaitake]

Live my life on my own terms: A monday rant

Hi everyone, Happy Monday, i guess? Let me get straight to what I want to say here. Sometimes I feel like people forget that life isn’t a one size fits all formula. Not everyone is dating, getting married, or rushing to settle down, and guess what? That’s perfectly fine. Some of us are just living our lives, focusing on ourselves, working, studying, and enjoying the little joy in life, like watching movies, Kdramas, Jdramas, and other fun shows, travelling, and hanging out with friends and family.

Believe it or not, some people are strong enough to be on their own, and there’s absolutely nothing miserable about that. In fact, some people would rather be alone than settle for a relationship with someone they’re not sure about, someone whose values don’t align with theirs, or, worse, someone who’s just plain unbearable. Life’s too short to be tied down to a moron, don’t you think?

It’s funny how society often treats being single like it’s some kind of problem that needs solving. If dating or being married is the answer to happiness, then I have to ask, who came up with the question? Seriously, who decided that being in a relationship or tying the knot should be the ultimate goal for everyone?

I’m lucky to have grown up never feeling lonely, even without a partner. My parents, family, friends, and my independence have always been enough. Sure, I’ve had my share of experiences, dating, flings, crushes, and all that, but right now? I’m genuinely content on my own.

Who knows? Maybe tomorrow I’ll meet the love of my life, and boom, life suddenly changes just like that. But honestly, that���s not the part I’m focusing on.

What really bothers me is when people act like being single or not actively dating is some kind of flaw that needs fixing. Recently, a distant relative from the baby boomer generation made a comment that really annoyed me. She asked about my career, and when I mentioned working from home, she immediately assumed I must be struggling financially. Then she hit me with, “Oh, poor girl. Be patient. When you have a husband, you’ll have money, and your life will get better.”

Excuse me, what now?

Even without a husband, I have my own money, thank you very much. And if I ever needed help, which I don’t, I could ask my parents. Not that I need to, because I’m financially independent. It’s so frustrating how some people think life can only start or improve after marriage. Breaking news, some of us are thriving just fine on our own.

But of course, I just laughed it off. I honestly didn’t have the energy to explain myself. She’s much older than me, and honestly, what’s the point? Explaining my life to her wouldn’t benefit either of us.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not anti-marriage. In fact, I’d love to get married someday and have family of my own, inshaAllah. I’m a bit of a romcom girlie, a hopeless romantic at heart. I even pray sometimes for the kind of romance that lives up to my ridiculous standards, lol. And yes, I’d love to raise a child someday. I think it’s adorable, and honestly, the way I love my niece makes me confident I’d love my own child to bits.

But here’s the thing: I’m not in a rush, and I’m definitely not desperate. My parents raised me in a loving (though not perfect) family, and I’ve received enough love from them to feel secure in myself. That’s why I’ve never felt lonely, even without a romantic relationship.

If the time comes and it’s written for me to have my own family, I’ll embrace it wholeheartedly. And if it’s not written for me, that’s okay too. At the end of the day, I’m pleased with the life I’m living now. Whatever is meant for me will come to me when it’s time.

So here’s my Monday message to people feeling the pressure to live according to society’s timeline: don’t. Live your life the way that feels right for you. Whether you’re single, dating, married, or not even thinking about relationships, your happiness is what matters most.

And that’s the rant. Once again, happy monday, hope we all have a better day tomorrow. 😊

[empteacupbags]

I hope this finds you well

A letter to something that would never happen

Not even in a million years

My message to a White Hyacinth, alive and well.

Yet I’m still waiting for you.

Sincerely, from the deepest depths of my heart, I hope you’re happy. I hope your family loves you, and is proud of your accomplishments. I hope your life is going smoothly. I hope she treats you well. I wish you nothing but the best for you, truly.

It’s funny, right? I was the one who ignored you - Who pushed you away, who left you on your own with your own body to piece together. But, then why are you the one who lives off happy, with a life so extremely promising?

How I keep on thinking about just what if I hadn’t sabotaged myself and continued on living with you. What if I had answered your text that day? What if I had chosen to return the everlasting gaze you kept on giving me that day? Oh, you were my first, tragically. I keep on thinking about the things we could’ve done, and what we could’ve had. 

Maybe our messages would’ve lasted longer. Maybe I’d introduce you to my parents, or you’d introduce me to yours. Maybe we could’ve played a few games together, maybe we could’ve walked home together, or even worked on a school project together. Maybe I could’ve been more bolder, being alone with you.

I hated those ideas. It’s something I’ve never, ever known. Indulging into another unknown hole, another seemingly troublesome outcome with no use to my life. Maybe that’s why I left you - Even though things were so perfect, even if things were so aligned to what you and I wanted. 

Of course I had to ruin it, right? But then I realised, we were bound to be so doomed. You’ve never known my Father, and I don’t know yours. Whether I had left you or not, we’d never last. 

And maybe, this path was for the better. For you, and for me.

You’ve grown. You’ve become a rare flower - White Hyacinth, who’s petals who were once torn apart by a frustrated gardener now have leaves that shine so beautifully under the evening sky. I have not.

Really, my stomach has not ached at all since you. Those times where even just the mention of your name could shudder my bones and break my body.

I had loved you, truthfully. But you were so rare it felt so wrong for someone like me to be the one you were in love with. To keep entertaining this sad idea of ours, even though we knew exactly what could happen, I had to separate it. 

It’s funny to me, how - Let me explain just a million more times; How lovely your life has been. You’ve found someone new, someone better, someone who knows your Father, someone who would treat you like you actually exist. 

The contrast of a change, of your growth and mine. This year, I’ve loved you again. I’m greedy and I hate myself for falling into another hopeless hole again. This year, you won’t even look me in the eyes. I know you hate me, I know what I’ve done. 

But I know my place, surprisingly. I won’t delve into anything of yours. I never had - Really. I just accepted and received what was given to me. 

So, deep into this psychedelic hole of mine, and no one else’s, stuck into the depths of my own, kaleidoscope of mind I will rest only to your shadow. Only to your silhouette I will cling like it is an oath. I will not let go of my hand, from purposeless possibilities and dead feelings. 

Maybe I’ll succumb to this hole in due time, or maybe I’ll cling into another’s shadow, and another, eventually so fixated on vain outcomes and die, from my own faults and my incapability to keep a heart that’s not mine.

Still. I wait for you.

[shatterthefragments]

I guess all this sums up to be: I’m so sick of feeling alone in this. And I know you guys here are here. And I know I have friends. And I know I could reach out to them (why do I feel like I can’t even though I’d move hell for them and would never feel burdened if they came to me with their problems)

Look I KNOW dinner wasn’t ready for you and i kinda get it. People at home all day and not even dinner when you get home from work. But I made food for mum and I and cleaned up after that. I needed a shower. I put on my laundry. (I’m not going to get to folding the laundry in the piles probably) I needed a lay down after that.

I pulled out the fish. Whatever.

I can’t win.

So I’ll just. Involve myself in battles I can. (The Boopening)

“Do nothing” the FUCK I have. I’m taking over several chores on top of the ones I Have To Do.

“Plan ahead better” mister I didn’t even think I’d be alive for the past decade. And then when I reached it I didn’t think I’d be alive for the past half decade. And today it’s probably a fucking miracle considering the shit I put myself through sometimes. I made sure that the things that take the longest got started. Then worried about the things that don’t. I planned based on MY needs. Not yours.

And I’ve been trying to prioritize my needs but every fucking time I do it causes the bad thing and feelings that I do better to avoid by just Pleasing You

But now I just feel so hopeless that I don’t want to do that either.

I desperately need to do more work on my schoolwork.

Mum is always saying “something’s gotta give” that I need to give something up

But I don’t want to give up anything (but you).

I don’t want to give up anything that brings me joy. (School currently doesn’t but. I can’t really quit) or money because it’s allowing me to do things that I want to do even if I’m being super selfish mooching off my parents (which I know I’m privileged because I can) and don’t have pretty much any savings.

Would I get more understanding if I wore my braces when I need them instead of just when I’m alone? Would you even get it or just tell me to lift more weights (again) because of course it’s all my own fault for not working out like you

If i were to (almost?) die of the stress you cause me (bc strangely enough except for The Bad Days I don’t get anywhere near as much stress just from work right now?) would you fucking give me a break or just tell me I need to lose weight?

Because as much as I want to throw up/feel nauseous thinking about anything I can’t because of the repercussions. So I won’t if I have any say in it.

We’re not giving up yet. Not giving in yet.

I’ll just. Maybe reread a comfort fic. Boop some snoots on here. Pack something for lunch.

[beaversatemygrandma]

alright alright alright. Thought and goal organization now.

So. I have an appointment for a driver’s test March 20th. Fantastic. Perfect. Enough time to finish up spoofing an entire damn log even though i have enough hours just didn’t actually log anything as i went. Gonna pretend I drove to Lincolnton for one of them. (I didn’t. Just long drive buffer there.) Then, when i get my license, because i really can drive safely and legally and totally fine. I get comfortable with driving highways for long periods of time. Highways aren’t the worse, just this area’s highways are tbh, but then again, there’s a nightmare of a city on I-95 on the way back to the hometown, so i have to have enough of a steady mind to be able to get through that without shutting down literally an hour from home. There are no other problem cities than the one I’m in currently and the one that’s an hour from home. Just those two. Georgia and South Carolina are rather boring to drive through on 95 and that’s a good thing. Small towns, signs about peaches, The Most Glorious Truck Stop in Savannah. It’ll be fine. Now, getting there will be something. I sure can’t fit all my shit into my tiny Camry. Now, will come seeing if my dad can get a few days off for a drive to FL, he’ll get the bonus of visiting with my other sister and maybe a day or two of just being in FL. It’ll most likely happen in the summer when my sister isn’t to be worried about having school or anything. Now, as bad as I’d want to be there by April, I think I’ll be having to wait until late May again. Then avoiding the guilt trip that I should stay for my 13yo sister. I tried helping her with homework last night and after she repeatedly interrupted me verbally thinking this math problem through trying to involve her like a teacher would, she would just continuously say “I don’t know, i can’t do it. I don’t remember.” Like. I cut off and just started going “You can. You do know. You can do this.” And she started faking crying to get me to feel bad and I’m assuming to just give her the answers, which i did not know and why i was trying to ask for her notes or to at least pull out a sheet of paper to visualize these online questions on. But no, the notebook was at school, and “I don’t feel like getting a paper.” Didn’t work. I got mad and gave up. No help for anybody who doesn’t want help. This isn’t even the only time it happens. I try to give her advice on how to deal with depression and anxiety. Like, that’s my whole damn life, I can easily give advice on how to cope with it. But no. I’m talking down to her. I’m controlling her by tell her to do something that helps the brain start thinking straight. She doesn’t want help. I can’t help her. This isn’t my problem anymore. I have given up. Like with that math problem, like an hour later once my mind had calmed down from literally getting yelled at with the most hopeless sentences, the solution became clear. I was literally able to solve that problem in my head once I had focus. I can easily explain it if i had a page to write on. That’s just how math is. You need the written visual there. But No. Too lazy for paper. That’s just not trying. Math works better when you can organize it yourself. I have given up on helping those who don’t want to be helped. I can only do so much. That is beyond me. Not my circus. Not my monkey.

I want to be on my own again. I want to live my own life again. And then now at the hometown, I’ve got somebody who i know will be there with me when i want to go out into the world. There’s somebody there who wants to literally do everything with me. I end up talking about various ideas and just what all i want to do, and he’s right there with me. It’s time to get out of the quarantine rut. The problem may not be over, but at least things are manageable now and we can at least attempt to be happy instead of hiding away.

Now to hope that it manages to happen sooner than later. I’m sick of waiting. I want to live my own life again.

[thoughtsaladblog]

Goodbye 2022

Here we are, yet again at the dawn of a new year. I’m currently spending my NYE like a totally cool person, i.e: alone in my house by choice! Although, no lie, I’m kinda digging it. Alone is where I thrive.

As I wonder at what fresh horrors await me (and this “great” nation) in 2023, I also look back at the year gone by. Honestly, even though last year swept by quickly it did still feel like the equivalent of 5 years. So much happened in the span of just twelve months that I still can’t believe that it was only a year gone by.

To begin with- I turned thirty. And with it came the fears of ageing and falling behind in life. But also a certain form of wisdom as well. I know I’ve matured in the span of one year more than I had in the last 5 years collectively. Sure, my disease may also have played a major role in the maturing but either way, a lot has changed in me. While I do still remain an avid overthinker- the things I tend to overthink about have changed. I dedicate much less time to worrying about dwindling relationships and people. My sole focus has been my work. This year I finally reached peak levels of workaholic, where I juggle four jobs, 7 days a week into the wee hours of the night. It’s been AMAZING! It’s exhausting but it feels so good to be productive. I mean I have no social life- save for maybe a week or so in April and a couple of weeks in December when I decide to come out of hibernation and socialise. But I feel so empowered. It feels good to make money, and to know that I survive completely off my own hard work and efforts. I’ve always liked the idea of being independent and it is my dream to be wholly independent as soon as I can.

So I’ve gone from worrying and wishing I could be younger and out having fun to finally seeing that what I truly love is being busy and productive. No amount of partying could ever meet the rush that comes with a packed schedule in which you work on autopilot. I earn and I get to spend and suddenly I feel like I’m my own man- or better yet, I feel like I’m overcoming limitations placed on women throughout history. I am the first girl from all my Sinhalese relatives living in Lanka to move out of my parents home- by choice and before marriage. I feel so proud because I feel like not only am I setting a precedent for other girls in the family who follow after me but I’m also living by my own rules. It’s a feeling of liberation that I can’t quite capture in so many words. It’s a thrill. The feeling of power and independence is always such a turn on- even if it’s about ourselves.

I also learned to value more important things in life and the brevity of human life and how so much of what we stress about truly means nothing in the grand scheme of things. From spending the middle part of the year stressing about the lack of a man and the hopeless attempts at finding someone through a dating app I evolved into spending the latter half of the year being grateful for things like movement and the ability to simply function. All it took was an autoimmune diagnosis, a few weeks of pain and limited movement and extreme hairfall before I realized that no man on this planet mattered more than my own abilities to function. My drive for independence meant that I needed to be able to function normally and on my own- suddenly that’s all I wanted. I valued the simple things- the things we take for granted. I learnt that there was so much God had already given me that I’d complained about and not looked after, and simply taken for granted. I learnt that I cherished those things and would fight as much as it took to retain them.

I learnt that I can actually live without my so-called best friends. I learnt that what I had for so long fooled myself into believing could be destroyed in a single relationship. That the trust I placed on people had been completely ill-fitting and that so often they can surprise you in ways that you don’t want to be surprised in. Dowaan proved to me how all that I had built him up to be as a friend was in no way what he was when it boiled down to it. When push came to shove he simply stood there agog- choosing a three month old “relationship” that started with cheating over a 10 year friendship that had been built on support and mutual understanding. And when I say choosing a 3 month old relationship- it didn’t really have a choice involved- simply a matter of standing up for his friend of ten years (his best friend) when his girlfriend at the time chose to take issue with his and my friendship. Better yet, it showed me who his girlfriend i.e: my best friend of 23 years, truly was. Apart from not trusting me, and trying to tear apart my friendship with Dowaan, it has since been revealed to me that she said some wonderfully “insightful” and completely false things about me to him during their courtship. What was truly the cherry on top was how at the end of that relationship and in the midst of the crisis in the one that followed, she still chose to call me and turn to me to be a shoulder to cry on despite all she had said. I feel like in learning and realising all this I’ve opened my third eye into the realities of the universe and the people in it. If I didn’t have much reason to trust humans, I have even less reasons now.

And the final lesson that came right at the cusp of the year drawing to an end, was to place more value and self respect on myself. A night of drinking and other shenanigans led to shameful sex with an old FWB in which neither him nor I were into it- thereby leading to a less than mediocre sexual experience that left me feeling more ashamed and in no way satisfied. I woke up feeling like I’d made my final big mistake for the year and it was all I needed to leave the bad habits that have held me back, in the year that was closing and take on the new year with better regard for myself. Sexual frustration should not be an excuse to shamelessly belittle myself, and going forward I hope to let my head make my decisions and not my libido. 

So much has happened to help me see more clearly than ever how much I need to watch out for myself, who my real friends are and what truly matters. This year was a great teacher. It taught me to love myself- not in the cringe-y Instagram influencer kinda way, but in the brutally honest, no-nonsense kind of way where I don’t let others walk all over me. And most importantly that I stop giving a fuck about people and incidents that don’t fulfill me, and choose instead to work on building my dream future for myself- because God knows, I deserve it!

[sexyvampkitty]

RP Mini-Solo 12: 'Thoughts From The Other Side'

I'm trapped...on the 'Other Side'...again. I recently had my heart ripped out. That has happened to me 'so' many times now that I've honestly lost count. It seems like everyone is always lining up to kill me. Well...mostly just one certain someone...but I won't get into that right now. Anyway...now that I'm no longer residing in my body...I'm free to just be myself...the part that I've been trying 'so' hard to hide lately...which means that all of my emotions are flooding back in at once...giving my mind time to wander off into lands best left untraveled. I can't help but think...why am I in a hurry to get back into my body? What do I have to go home to? An ex boyfriend who might or might not come back to me someday? How much longer am I expected to wait around for him? It's been months already. I love him...a big part of me always will...but deep down...I know that we're pretty much over. I've felt that in the deepest part of my soul for awhile now...even with my humanity switch flipped to the off position. If I continue to wait around for him...what does that make me? A total dumb ass? Or just a completely hopeless romantic? I 'do' have a 'special' friend with benefits...but that's not the same thing. I miss having someone to cuddle me...tell me constantly that they love me...and that everything's going to be okay. I had that for a short time...which brings me back to my ex husband. A small part of me still hates him for what he did to me...basically ripping my heart out and stomping all over it...metaphorically speaking...but the bigger part misses him terribly. In the short two months that we were married...I'd never been happier...even when I tried to convince myself that I wasn't. He bought me nice gifts...always showered me with love and kisses...and would sometimes just snuggle with me for hours...no sex required. If my humanity was on...I doubt that I could ever bring myself to stake him...with it off...it's a definite yes. I know that my vampiric rage will eventually win in that department. Still...I miss having someone to love...and being loved...although...I've been hurt too many times already...especially this last time...that I doubt that I will ever open up my heart to anyone ever again. Even with my emotions assaulting me at the moment...I just feel...numb...like I'm unable to cry anymore tears. I think I met my tear quota after me and my ex split. During those first few weeks...I thought constantly about running to Klaus and begging him to compel my memories away...but I couldn't bring myself to do that either. I wouldn't trade some of those memories for anything...especially the happier ones...like when we went on vacation together. My ex boyfriend never took me anywhere. I mean sure, we had a bunch of sex, but that's about it. No fancy restaurants...nothing. The only place I never got to go to was Hawaii...but I guess that will never happen now. Not like any of this matters anyway. Once I'm back in my body...my switch will still be off...and I won't feel anything...and maybe it's better that way. I don't think that I can possibly deal with any additional pain...and...right now...I'm trapped in my own suffering...floating in limbo...forced to watch everyone and everything going on around me as normal...but unable to interact. I've been here before...multiple times...and it completely blows. It might take longer to get out of here this time...basically because I'm running out of witches to help me. I'm pretty sure that they're all tired of hauling my ass out of here at this point. For now...all I can do is sit here...wait...and cry ghostly tears...thinking back on what was...and what might've been...but was obviously never meant to be in the first place... (END)

[bansheecarol]

listen… i get this idea that voting blue no matter who is viable propaganda tool for keeping us rowdy lefties in line. and maybe that’s fine. maybe that’s part of what needs to be done. back in 2020 i wasn’t gonna vote biden bc i was in a decidedly red area and i had learned about what happened with anita hill and it was all just miserable. but covid was going on so i did what needed to be done and voted for biden.

now, i’m not fucking happy that what i voted for, covid, was absolutely mangled by his handling. obviously, trump did some things to directly fuck it up forever, but biden has let the pandemic drift into weird grey space where insurance companies aren’t even paying for at home tests anymore but infections are high.

now, am i gonna vote for the blue ticket again? yeah, probably. the damage trump did with judges cannot be overstated, and i’d like to avoid that continuing.

but to pretend this all comes down to one person = one vote and if you vote 3rd party you are personally responsible for roe v wade being repealed, even just a fraction of a percent responsible, is fucking insanity. op, get that off your fucking shoulders, because that is worrying to carry around.

nader got about half a mil votes. all together, all third parties got about a million. not enough to swing the election if all third party people piled onto kerry. (59 mil Kerry 62 mil Bush)

2016? actually, lots of people voted third party. about 6%. it still wouldn’t have mattered. why? because clinton won the popular vote.

things are fundamentally broken in american elections. vote suppression is a huge goddamn issue. people don’t get the day off to vote. popular vs. electoral college voting. these are institutional things. they require a different sort of pressure than voting.

should you vote blue no matter who in 2024? yeah probably. if you vote third party, are you directly responsible for the rise of fascism in america? fucking no.

some other things to do: call your reps. put up posters. volunteer for helping to get people to elections. run for your school board. vote!

but… op, understand that this “looking down my nose and shaming and blaming you for not voting for my candidate” is not how you get people on side. it chases people away. guilt is a terrible fucking motivator. it feeds into hopelessness. you want people to vote biden? do what you did the second time— point out why he’s a good choice to keep being president. that makes people feel better about voting— the better they feel about it, the more likely they are to show up. hell, having that listed out helped me feel better about it.

Here's how American politics works:

Republicans vote red no matter what, and half the country leans red, which means if you try to make an independent win, the only people who are going to vote for them are Democrats, and you'll never convince all of them, which means you're going to split the Democratic vote between the independent candidate and the democratic candidate, and the Republicans will win.

Period. End of discussion.

It has happened before, and it will happen again. I lived through this, I fell for this. It is partially MY FAULT Bush Jr was elected in 2004, because I was young, stupid, and believed what I was being told: that if everyone voted for Nader, he would win.

He didn't win. And neither did Kerry, the Democratic candidate. Why? Because a bunch of dumb young Millennials who were getting to participate in our country's election for the first time were tricked into voting against the Democratic nominee.

Instead, we got Bush Jr, and the War On Terror, and all the atrocities that followed.

And that's partly my fucking fault.

DO NOT BE THE REASON TRUMP IS ELECTED IN 2024.

I WILL blame you if you do not vote for the Democratic nominee, because it WILL be your fault if Trump is elected. And all the atrocities that follow? Will also be your fucking fault. And you will have to live with that.

[chiara-klara-claire]

So Quick rundown about my life, I applied for an internship in Denmark at a big company, I got a call today offering me the job, got the email with details & the salary is quite low like 800€ of which half would go for the rent, and the whole thing is exciting but scary af cause I am scared to starve ✨ ✨✨🇩🇰✨The last 3 days had me busy and burning my own brain cells with an endless assignment from a German company, which I wouldn’t have if I had got the call a week earlier, (🇩🇪 kind of feels more like home I have to say.. closer, €..) then I wasted the entire day being mentally busy about the fact that the salary is low, INSTEAD OF writing my fucking cursed godforsaken thesis which I have to hand in literally when I’d leave for dk…and thank god were currently not that busy at work 🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲 I finish working on the 26th July, I’ll leave for 🇳🇱 to my bf on 28thfor 2-3 weeks and come back home just 2 weeks before I’d have to leave again for dk, and then I’d go back home for my degree in the end of sept, so I thought maybe I’d have at least a month of peace but Not really? for a person like me it’s quite destabilizing I must say, and I am also anxious about his family’s judgement about me going abroad to a country which is not NL…….Another odd thing is that they have offices both in aarhus and brande (village where the brand is as founded) and I’d have to get lifts at least 3 times a week wtf what if one doesn’t find one ?? 🥹🥹🥹 🚗 👋 🥹🥹🥹Wanted to wait for the German company’s reply but I have to answer within Monday, 2 DAYS, so great 🤪 but ironical how when I was supposed to apply to Erasmus which I eventually didn’t I wanted to go to Dk for some reason?? and now I feel like I like NL more than dk (besides the population density) .. this would be like the Erasmus I didn’t do somehow, even better paid, but I still have to work 37h/week for this 💸💸💸🤯🤯🤯🤯I am SUPER confused, if the salary were higher I’d be totally up for it, but I’m just like, is it worth it? I hate how everything is also SUPER SHORT TERM, like I read companies start recruiting even one year prior than the job start😨 not like I will make a lot of money with such an internship so being calm for 3 months wouldn’t be bad but oh well … that’s what I got honestly I wish I could have some income with language lessons & art commission but I’m lucky if I make 50€ a year with that… like last summer I was super busy with German lessons for high school kids and made 600€ in an entire summer, and I don’t think I’ll get more 🥹🥹 and u know what’s also ironical? That at first when dreaming about this a month ago I was thinking, yeah I could even meet this and this and suddenly I feel like I don’t care anymore about seeing anyone and that’s… why am I NEVER happy with what I get? Germany was too mainstream, I was already used to NL, dk is not that appealing anymore, and most of all I always complain about I hate my home country but today my aunt came and I thought I wouldn’t want to leave home in a way, even if I always curse on it…. I am really not made for life sweet heaven

[meowzfordayz]

underneath

Author’s Note: vaguely inspired by​ should’ve known better by @somelattes​.❤️‍🔥

underneath

Rengoku Kyojuro x Reader

Word Count: ~1,000

CW: alcoholism, traumatic references

Song Inspo: Underneath by Adam Lambert

Emergency Request Fulfilled: could you maybe do a Kyojuro x reader where they meet his father for the first time but also suffers from these triggers? If x readers were real it would be the hardest challenge for me. I figure it would be a tough situation since he loves his dad, but he also has to figure out a way to help them either leave to a safe place and explain later or find a way to help them until they are alone. I just want his comfort knowing he was in a similar situation.

~faqs~

You know about Shinjuro. Of course you know. Kyojuro’s always been upfront, wearing his heart on his sleeve, and disclosing the pain—trauma—anchored into his family’s psyche was no different.

“I’d love to meet your father and brother,” you’d nervously announced after a couple months of dating, fingers anxiously hugging your warm mug, eyes fixated on your glistening pool of houjicha.

He’d reached across the kitchen table, gentle heat wrapping reassuringly around your wrist, voice loud and certain, “I am not ashamed of you. Not in the slightest. I apologize if my delay in introducing you created feelings of doubt or insecurity. I am simply… concerned. Senjuro would be well receiving of you. But Shinjuro… I… I am embarrassed to admit that you might not be well receiving of him. And as Senjuro is not yet eighteen, it would be difficult to avoid Shinjuro.”

You’d nodded slowly, glancing upward, breath hitching at the fear dwelling beneath the adoration in his gaze — not quite grasping his implication.

“Your mother,” he’d paused, hesitant to approach such a heavy truth, “Shinjuro is… similar,” exhaling lowly as your eyes narrowed, “He is an alcoholic, and I do not wish to expose you to anything uncomfortable or unsafe.”

Swallowing wordlessly, you’d closed your eyes Alcoholic, thickness clogging your throat as an angry whimper clung to the roof of your mouth.

Kyojuro knew about your mother. Of course he knew. Like knowing someone’s favorite color, knowing her impact on your personality, habits—on your being—came up sooner rather than later. She was practically impossible to omit from your existence; just as alcohol appeared in most social situations; just as your averse reaction (to alcohol) never changed.

“I am more than happy to arrange a lunch or dinner with them,” he’d reaffirmed, “But I am uneasy at the potential of hurting you.”

“And what about you?” you’d muttered harshly, blinking quickly to restrain the teardrops threatening to slide off your eyelashes, “What about the potential of hurting yourself?”

He’d shrugged, faint smile curving his lips, “Senjuro is my brother. Shinjuro is my father. We are family.”

“And you’re proud of them?” you’d snapped, jolting as unfairness clawed through your limbs, tea sloshing violently, “You protect Senjuro. Who protects you?”

Rubbing a small circle into the base of your thumb, he’d declared with a steady openness, “I do not need protecting. I get to take care of Senjuro, look after my father. I get to love you. For me, that is plenty.”

Bullshit you’d hissed inwardly, chest heaving with a familiar melancholy—a too sweet hopelessness—your teardrops inevitably escaping, shiny and mocking as they darkened the tablecloth. The scraping of a moving chair echoed dimly, the embrace of home surrounding you in a split second, bones giving in to their dread and disappointment.

“How can you say that?” you’d wailed quietly, fists beating harmlessly at his biceps as he held you.

“I ache,” he’d whispered, confession numb in the gap between your sleeve and his heart, “I ache and I ponder and I fall apart knowing I have to somehow present myself whole.”

His heart pinned to your soul, promised to only you.

“Let us ache together,” as you’d clung tighter Let us hold the shards of our innocence so delicately, undeniably, sharply.

Knowing about Shinjuro, however, is not the same as meeting the man — a realization you expected intellectually, but couldn’t fully prepare for emotionally, because: how does one brace themselves against a gradual lifetime of grief and regret? How does one shed their layers of trained panic, terror, and anticipation? How does one approach the deep, infinite smears of I miss you and You should’ve been there for me for us and I hate you even though all I want is to be able to love you pressed into the crevices of your heart?

“I’m glad to finally meet you,” your pleasantry sticks to your tongue, hand visibly wavering as Shinjuro’s scent envelops you.

Shinjuro’s sick your gut screams, thrashing frantically—trapped—despite your seemingly calm—frozen—exterior. Like mom, exactly like mom, sick sicksick sicksicksick Shinjuro’s distant, unreadable pupils reflecting a nauseating scene. Identical to the glint in your MomMomMomMomMom’s fractured stare.

“Father,” firm palm nestling into your spine, tugging, coaxing, reminding you, “This is my partner, [y/n],” swiftly guiding you off the front porch, “Please pardon our rudeness,” away from the lingering grip of Shinjuro’s addiction.

“We can tell him I’m feeling poorly,” Kyojuro says immediately, tone hushed, attention darting from your clenched jaw to your uneven inhalations, “My father reeks,” chuckling shakily, “I under-”

“I want to do this,” you mumble, “I want to meet Shinjuro,” flexing your fingers, testing their fragility, “And Senjuro! Where is Senjuro?”

“Probably preparing snacks,” he smiles easily at the mention of Senjuro, Shinjuro momentarily forgotten, “He enjoys maintaining the house,” brow furrowing almost indecipherably Staying out of father’s way.

“If Shinjuro is too much,” affection—You are everything, my everything—hardening his resolve, “Then we can leave,” tapping your scrunched nose, “Then I want to leave.”

“I don’t-” you shudder, flashes of disjointed yelling and throwing and shattering interrupting your tunneling sight, “I don’t want Shinjuro to blame you.”

“Wait,” he cups your cheek, briefly, decidedly, “For me?”

You wait, surreal stillness rooting you in place. You wait, watching as his feet walk the hundred miles from home is where the heart is to home is no longer here. You wait, hyper focused, entirely ignoring, the exchange of impatient utterances — of dismissal and betrayal. You wait, wait for his feet to return to you. To return home.

“Ready?” Kyojuro nudges your shoulder before gesturing toward your car, his brave grin prying at your solemn expression, “We can visit another time.”

We can try again.

“Are you sure?” you lift your hand tentatively, vaguely.

If you want me to, then I can do this you think, determination grinding at the stone in your stomach I can face Shinjuro.

His hand catches yours, large and encompassing, tender and steadfast, “I am sure.”

I could not, would not, will not, ask that of you.

Neither of you spare Shinjuro a second glance, melting into the frayed softness of each other.

[daddyyy88]

Bad Boyfriend | Jamie Campbell Bower x y/n

if you’d like you can reblog my original work, but please don’t post it without credit. if you take inspiration from my ideas please tag me, I’d like to see how someone else would write it

Word count: 2.4k

warnings: Jamie’s a doodoo boyfriend, reader is insecure about if she’s a good girlfriend, Jamie lowk has an eating disorder? Jamie also isn’t sleeping much, uhhhh idk what else let me know

summary: Jamie hasn’t loved you the same for what feels like forever, and you’ve had enough

You sighed, leaving his little producing studio in the house you two shared with a full plate for the thousandth time in the last year or so. Jamie was stressing himself out too much, you knew it. Because of his new role in the Stranger things series he was overworking himself trying to be the best actor for this role.

It started as soon as he got the role, he was going crazy doing research and figuring out his character and then filming got shut down and it got worse. He was fully putting his everything into this character and then shooting started up again and you barely saw him anymore.

He’d literally practically spent an entire month on set once he started filming as Vecna in the suit and everything. He almost always fell asleep on the couch in his trailer or someone would have to drive him home because he was so exhausted. It was heartbreaking to see him going through that, you wished he would just give himself a break or ask the directors if there was any chance he could take a day or two off.

Whenever you’d tried visiting him on set, you spent more time with his cast mates than him because he was so busy. You felt hopeless and like your relationship wasn’t even real anymore. You genuinely can’t remember the last time he kissed you, hugged you, made love to you, or even touched you if we’re being honest.

He’d finished filming a few weeks ago, and you’d hoped that maybe he’d go back to being your boyfriend again but he still wasn’t sleeping, still wasn’t eating, still wasn’t really interacting with you and at this point you were starting to get concerned for his health. He was getting unhealthily skinny, and you could practically sense the exhaustion from a mile away.

He’d been holed up in his studio for the last couple weeks, working on music and really getting back into that groove. You’d made him breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday and you’d be lucky if he ate lunch and maybe a little bit of his dinner.

You set the plate down on the counter and tears filled your eyes, you wondered if maybe it was just you. Maybe he didn’t love you like he used to anymore and doesn’t know how to tell you. Maybe you should’ve tried harder, should’ve been a better girlfriend, should’ve tried to support him more.

You saved the leftovers like you always did, even though you’d end up throwing them away in a few days anyways. You blinked away your tears and washed dishes and cleaned up the kitchen as well. You fed your cat and headed upstairs, showering and getting ready for bed.

You made sure and said I love you and goodnight every night before bed, or you would text it and even if he didn’t reply (which he always did, but it never felt like he meant it) you at least knew you tried. Tonight though, you were done trying.

The last year and a half of your relationship has been completely one-sided, and you are just sick of fighting to keep this relationship going when he can’t be bothered to even look at you sometimes. You were too mentally drained to want to go downstairs and say goodnight to him, so you just didn’t.

It left you in tears, because you knew that there was nothing left between you two at this point. You’d love him till your last breath, but it seemed as though Jamie didn’t even care about you at all anymore. You cried yourself to sleep, staring at the promise ring on your hand, he promised, he fucking promised he’d always love you.

You got up the next morning and showered, and you couldn’t bear to look at the promise ring anymore without crying so you just took it off. That also made you want to cry, considering you’d never ever taken it off once since he gave it to you. You never had a reason to, and it was okay to be worn in the shwoer so you kept it on all the time. But the promise attached to that ring was long broken now, that ring only brought you pain now.

It was your anniversary today, your 5th anniversary of being together. On your 3rd anniversary he made you breakfast in bed and you celebrated beautifully with a little picnic and walked all around the city with each other, going to your favorite shops and just spending time with each other and made love most of that night. Last year, your 4th anniversary, he sent you breakfast, and took you on a dinner date and fell asleep in the car because he was so exhausted from filming. This year, well this year he forgot.

You went the whole day hoping he would at least come out and spend time with you. You had bought him a gift months ago, a new ring, just a simple one but with his and your initials engraved onto it.

You wanted to give it to him anyways, but wasn’t sure if you should. He probably wouldn’t even care. You kept the little box in your pocket all day, fiddling with it anxiously and thinking about you and Jamie.

“Why is your promise ring sitting on the bathroom counter?” He asked as he came downstairs, you were so zoned out you didn’t even remember him coming out of his studio at all. “I-I…I just wanted to clean my hands and I took off my jewelry. Must’ve forgotten to put it back on. I’m sorry” you said and stood up and walked towards him and tried to take it from him but he moved his hand away.

“You never take it off. I’ve seen you wash your hands before you always keep this ring on” he said and you sighed. You grabbed the ring from him and slipped it back on. “I’m sorry. It was just a fluke or something. Won’t happen again” you said and he took a deep breath.

“You also didn’t come in and say “I love you” last night. Are you upset with me?” He asked. You sighed shakily and said “no, babe. Everything’s fine” He could hear the shakiness in your voice and you knew you were about to cry and so did he.

“What’s wrong?” He asked and you looked away slightly, trying to fight the tears. You took a deep breath and said “nothing, I-I’m okay Jamie” “Y/n, you’re crying, obviously somethings wrong” he said and you sniffled.

“I just…do you even know what day it is?” You asked and he shrugged. He looked at his phone and said “Tuesday?” “No, Jamie…it’s our anniversary. And you fucking forgot. It’s not only that, it’s the fact that I don’t even know if we’re really even in a relationship anymore. For the better part of the last 2 years we’ve been growing apart more and more with every day that passes by and I can’t handle it anymore. When you got the stranger things role you dropped everything, including me, and put everything into the show. I know that acting is very demanding of you and is something you need to focus for but it’s like you don’t even care about me anymore! I tried to be supportive, I tried to understand-but I can’t! I can’t remember the last time you kissed me, or- o-or hugged me or the last time you even touched me and it’s frustrating. I cook you breakfast, lunch, and dinner every single day and you don’t even look at it. I tried to get you to rest and relax for months and you didn’t care! You don’t appreciate anything I do anymore! This promise ring is nothing now, you broke it a long time ago. I cant keep fighting for our relationship, it’s so fucking one sided, at this point we’re just goddamn roommates. I miss my boyfriend, god damn it. I thought after filming I’d get him back but you’re still fucking avoiding me, you’re still not sleeping, you’re still not eating, you’re still stressing yourself the fuck out! I tried Jamie, I tried for over a year and I can’t anymore. It’s eating me up and ruining me inside. Happy goddamn anniversary” you snapped. You got up and threw the box with the ring in it at him, running upstairs.

He stood there in shock. Warm, salty tears ran down his face. He knew he’d been focused on working, but he really didn’t realize it was this bad. He couldn’t believe he forgot your anniversary, how could he?

Of course he cared about you, he was very much still in love with you. He couldn’t believe he made you feel this way, made you think he didn’t love you anymore.

He picked up the box and opened it, seeing the ring you had made for him. Why the hell would he ever screw this up? You were so good to him, so supportive, you were the best thing that had ever happened to him.

He slowly made his way upstairs and knocked on the door, he could hear you crying softly on the other side.

“Please just leave me alone. You’ve managed just fine this entire time, now I’m asking for it” you said and he let out a shaky breath. “I’m so sorry, y/n. I just want to talk, please?” He begged and you opened the door hesitantly.

He sniffled and said “I’m sorry” “I’m sure you are, Jamie. But “I’m sorry” isn’t gonna make almost 2 years of being ignored go away. You have no idea how painful it’s been to watch you overwork yourself, and watch you wither away cause you won’t eat or sleep” you said and let out a shaky breath, moving to sit on the bed.

He still stood in the doorway, ashamed of what he’d done as he said “I-I know that…but there’s no words to excuse what I’ve done. I still love you like you wouldn’t believe, I never ever wanted to make you feel this way. I guess I just got too wrapped up in my work and it caused me to abandon the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I shouldn’t have let it happen, but it did and the only thing I can do now is try to make it up to you”

You stayed silent a few moments burying your face into your knees whilst you cried as you had curled up against the headboard. “H-How do I know it won’t happen again? I can't go through this anymore, if I do it again it’ll break me” you said and he whimpered.

He moved inside the bedroom and sat in front of you, grabbing one of your hands softly. “I’ve done something I never ever thought I would do. I never thought I would hurt you this bad, I never wanted to. If you can give me a second chance I swear on my mother I’ll never, never ever let my ignorance cause you to hurt this badly ever again. I swear, if I had thought you were in even half as much pain I would’ve dropped everything for you. I’m so goddamn sorry, y/n” he said and you closed your eyes, more tears wanting to spill.

“As much as I’d like to pretend I don’t care about making this relationship work anymore, I really fucking do…I’m just- I-I’m scared” you said and he bit his lip, he really was the shittiest fucking boyfriend on the planet right now. You took the promise ring off and said “you have one more chance. Promise me you won’t ever do this to me again. If you do it’s over, and I’ll be outta here before you can even think about convincing me to stay”

“I promise” he whispered softly and slipped the ring back on you. He kissed your hand, sniffling softly as he pressed gentle kisses to it. “Thank you…” he said and you nodded. You were still terrified to trust him again, but he seemed so genuinely upset with himself you were willing to give him one more chance.

“Now…I’m gonna go make dinner, and you’re gonna eat the shit out of it cause you’re getting really really small and it’s freaking me out” you said and he chuckled softly, nodding. He followed you downstairs and you talked some more, talked through all the issues and all the pain he had brought you and why the two of you thought he had gotten this invested in his work, enough to do this to you.

“Can I sleep in the bed tonight?” He asked and you nodded softly. He curled up next to you, both of you facing each other. “I’m sorry I ruined our anniversary and the last 2 years of your life,” he said, you both chuckled softly.

You played with the edge of the blanket as you said “it’s okay…don’t worry, we talked about it, and it’s gonna be okay” “can we celebrate tomorrow?” He asked and you nodded. He brushed your hair behind your ear and kissed your head.

“I love you so much” he whispered and you bit your lip, fighting tears again. He awed, wiping them away and apologizing. “No, no it’s okay…I love you too” you said and he chuckled softly, cupping your cheek.

He lightly spooned you whilst you both slept that night, and ordered you bagels from your favorite bagel place. He called his team while you were still sleeping and got himself lots of time off to fully be with you, and repair the damage he’s done.

It took a few months but by the time the show was released things were amazing between you two. You had never been stronger together, he’d drop everything for you in a second if he even sensed you might be having a bad day or something like that.

“Thank you…for a second chance. And for showing me I’m only human and need rest and food regularly” he said, cuddled up with you as you both watched the first 6 episodes of the season as it had just come out last night.

You smiled and said “how could I not? Can't resist that pretty face. Plus I love you way too much” “I love you more” he said and tightened his arms around your waist. He kissed your temple and sighed softly, nuzzling into your hair.

As of now I’m writing for

Eddie Munson

Joseph Quinn

Jamie Bower

Steve Harrington

Robin Buckley

Eddissy

Maya Hawke

So just comment the taglist you want to be added to and I’ll add you :)