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Time for Confession

Well... Apart from the fact that I genuinely need to take some time to go for confession and then church, this is a different kind of confession. Equally juicy though...

She has fantasies about him. Yes, that one. The secret FWB item. Ok, first off can we take some time to honestly note that it's kinda weird but exciting that he comes over for something else but ends up with the two of us doing shit and then before he leaves you tell him when to come next- which technically is your next hook-up date. He leaves, and your bed fucking smells of him, you're hella turned on and fantasizing very VERY wrong things- that, might I add, are NEVER going to happen. *Insert exasperated eyeroll and sigh here*

Also, is he honestly into it or does he do it coz he thinks you enjoy it and he just wants to pacify you? But then today he said he does it coz he's horny... Does that mean he enjoys it tho? Or are you like, basically an unpaid hooker? Ew!

Ok, but..... If I'm an unpaid hooker this is the worst possible arrangement to be in- given that I don't even get fucked- except of course emotionally and mentally. But seriously though... We don't really fuck- except a couple of off-hand occasions when it honestly wasn't really sexy sex. I mean that one time felt really good- coz dude, went to pound town.. but that most recent one was NOTHING to write home about. On both ends- to be fair.

But also- the bad sex only leads to the anticipation that maybe one day- in the latter years- we will have good sex: with all the excitement and writhing bodies and panting and breathlessness that comes with it. And I do believe we could DEFINITELY have good sex... Except I don't think he's going to want to. And frankly I'm hoping that, that far into the future I'm no longer in search of someone to have sex with but am locked in with the man of my dreams- or at least close to my dreams. But the truth is, I really do want to have that one fabulous night- set the record right for the both of us and have that fun memory to take with... If only...

But also.. This whole thing is fucking with my head. I mean I keep wondering if I've cost us our closeness by engaging in this arrangement. We aren't that close anymore and dude's like he's suuupes busy- which, fine, makes sense... But why is the closeness gone though? I mean he did say he doesn't want to be close with anyone anymore- and it kind of felt like a stab to the heart.... But in fairness it helped to know where he's at- although I wish he weren't there. I liked being his confidant... I liked feeling wanted... And now it sucks to no longer be that close. And as fun as all this is- it's not something that can ever last- so honestly, given the option- I'd like us to be really close like we were before.. Please...God? The Universe (which is controlled by God)? Give us something lasting, Please!

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If I don't die then please kill me...

There's nothing quite like the feeling of helplessness and uselessness that engulfs you at the realisation that as a thirty-two year old adult you are unable to help or financially support your parents. No, in fact, you're knee deep in debt, and barely managing to get by. No, it's worse... You live on your own- because you're so fucking independent- but your mum has had to pay your rent for the past couple of months because you've so royally fucked up your finances. Truly a wonderful feeling.

The despair only deepens when I look at every other part of my life- falling apart. One after the other the dominoes fell, and I'm standing centre-stage, looking at the ruins around me. I'm surrounded by the cloud of uncertainty- and I can't see ahead... And I'm not sure I want to. The compulsion to end my life is so overpowering- my Catholic upbringing stops me.

I've lost friends, I've lost love, I've lost financial stability... To be brief- I've lost. I am the loser in my life. There's no joy left- nothing to look forward to and the hope that once kept me going is gradually fading and the despair takes over.

Everything about me is a murky cloud of unpleasant sadness- and I can understand why a 16 year old who's got everything going right for him, wouldn't want to be surrounded by this cloud of sadness. He's outgrown me and he's about to walk away- and there it falls: the final domino. As I watch it fall, I cry, because this time there's no one to save me- not even myself. I will wave goodbye to the boy who saved me the last time; the boy I thought was forever going to be my best friend. I will wave goodbye as he takes with him the smile he brought to my face, and wait here- as always on my own.

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Is anybody there...?

Lately my mind has been plagued with thoughts of suicide and death. I've had this overwhelming urge to kill myself- or rather to just die. I haven't really given any thought to the "where" and "how" of it- just that I've wanted to stop living. I want to die.

But here's the funny thing- I'm afraid of what awaits me. It's not like I've lived some insanely holy life where I can guarantee a ticket through the pearly gates- frankly I'm most definitely booked on the elevator that takes you down, down, down. So there's that.. and the fact that "down, down, down" would be guaranteed IF I actually were to take my own life... Which is basically the thing that's stopping me. The absolute fear of that one way ticket to hell, that comes free with every suicide.

So, why exactly do I want to die you ask? No, of course you didn't because no one but myself reads this- and I already know the answer to that. But for the sake of venting here's why... Because I currently hate my life. Nothing seems to e going right. I feel like every new day is empty with nothing to really offer. Perhaps now and again, something happens with one of my students that makes me smile and be grateful- but not long enough to last. No, rather, my most lasting thought is how much I hate my life.

And I get it. I'm being ungrateful. There are so many out there who would gladly take my life in exchange for what they have to go through- and I couldn't begin to imagine their suffering and how they face it... But that doesn't take away from the fact that my life at present is a HUGE disappointment. Every which way I look, I see mirrors reflecting my failures: my failure to leave the country; my failure to complete a degree; my failure to retain friends; my failure to stay fit and look nice; my failure to find love... Everything in life is a failure. I was on the right track not too long ago- and now I'm here. Wherever the fuck "here" even is...

I don't pray or go to church- because I can't. How do I face God seeing the absolute shitshow of a life I'm currently living. So change! Right? Well, easier said than done. See what you don't know- or rather do know, seeing as you are me... anyway... for argument's sake, what you don't know is... I've got strong "L' word feelings for someone I shouldn't feel that way about... And I'm dancing along a fine line that plays with fire simply to trick myself into receiving whatever half-baked version of affection that game feeds my unrequited hopes and desires. I keep trying to break away- because I know I must. But it's too sad. It hurts me to the point where I want to split my chest open just to let out the pain. Ironically, hearing him say just about anything that reminds me that I'm just kidding myself- or that his interests lie elsewhere and will NEVER be directed at me, also makes me feel the same way. So it's a lose-lose situation really.

The truth is, this is one of the biggest things burdening me right now- this conflicted feelings of wanting what I can't have- what I can NEVER have. It's become a daily battle- a struggle. I feel so lonely, unable to share this with anyone, and sinking ever deeper into this feeling of despair- because how did I even end up here? How did I even develop these feelings and are they even real? Or are they just my loneliness clinging on to any sign of affection? Have I taken his kindness and presence and turned it into a safety net to save me from my own loneliness? And if so- how do I come out of this net that's now choking me? And what becomes of the two of us from here on? Do I continue as his friend? I know I don't want to lose him- but I've turned into this girl who is jealous and insecure- wishing and dreaming that things were like they are in my forbidden dreams. But the more I crave this thing that I can't have- the worse I become as a person/friend. I pretend to be ok with things that hurt me to listen to- and it destroys a part of my spirit. And I need to find a way out of this dark abys.

Everyday is a struggle and I just can't anymore. I can't confess these sins- I have dug my grave down too deep and I can't come out of it. can only bury myself in it-which is why I just wish I could no longer live. Just to be free from this never-ending feeling of pain and failure that engulfs me.

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It's 2.00 am and I'm 16 once more

There come those days when something awakens your nostalgia and suddenly you're on an involuntary trip down memory lane- a trip that starts off with fond memories and ends with a sense of regret and disappointment at where life has taken you. Today is one such day.

When I say my trip down memory lane was completely unexpected, I mean it. A simple picture of C and myself from the past led me to go back to our old e-mails and chats and there began the spiral.

I couldn't help but smile at how happy I was with him- delusional but happy. We had a good run to be fair. It was definitely something beautiful, until it wasn't. But looking back i just can't help but wonder, if I will ever be so dewy-eyed again? To be so in love that you don't really care about anything else. You take them at their word, and you smile in their presence.. and most of all- within your heart you're truly happy. I've never experienced love like that since. Which is why I continue to cling onto the memory of what was essentially my first and last love.

I will always have a place in my heart for him- or so I believe. But the reality is, I want to find someone who takes over that place- who fills up my whole heart so that there's no room for past flames- but only for the new forest fire that rages within. I dream of this man- this fantastical creature that somehow manages to turn everything on its head, and destroy the cynic within me, as he teaches me what love is for the second time in my life. Does such a specimen even exist? I have been waiting- albeit within the confines of my small-town and moreso within the confines of my house... But I have been waiting; hoping and dreaming of finally finding him and letting him fill the void that was left when I lost my very first love.

I have believed that perhaps if I worked on myself... Perhaps if I focused on me... Then it wouldn't matter if I don't find him. But the truth is, it's getting awfully lonely here on my little hill- and as for working on myself- I have completely failed. I've failed to look after that 16 year old girl with big dreams and small means. I've failed the 21 year old who believed she'd be successful by now. I am a pile of goo in a sleepy fishing village; struggling to get by; lacking in friends and company; channeling her affections towards her pet cat so that the loneliness doesn't drive her to insanity. I have failed everyone around me... but most of all I've failed myself and no one could possibly hate me more than I hate myself at this point. I am ashamed of the woman I've become- strong but so deeply morally compromised; independent but depressed and cynical; skilled but uneducated and unsuccessful... Lazy, unbothered, no sense of fashion, lacking in drive and almost completely incompetent. Who even is she? If my 16 year old self- with her big ambitions and smart ideas came across the woman typing this, she'd be so disappointed. I've failed her: I've failed me.

Perhaps I dream of a guy who would save me, because I am unable to save myself. I see myself drowning... sinking further into the abys I created and I'm no longer able to pull myself back up. I lack the discipline and drive. I am an absolute mess of a human being- looking left and right, searching for a solution that isn't coming and I no longer know where to look, and each day that I fail I grow to hate myself even more. I am capable of great love- just not towards myself.

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WTF?!

I'm currently trying to wrap my mind around this thing that makes no sense whatsoever... How am I bad at this and somehow he's managing to fucking send me reeling.

Hands down, that was one of the best f**ks I've had in a while. I'm dying here... And this is the weirdest thoughts I've ever had post-s*x...but I'm honestly jealous of all the women who get to do it right with him. I mean yeah I got this...but this isn't really your typical hot and steamy, bodies writhing kinda sex- not in any way because he's not good at what he does. I mean, kudos to him, the dude really puts his back into it. Hallelujah!

But what I mean is... it's all so mechanical and clinical and held back by the fear of crossing a boundary that maybe shouldn't be crossed (although at this point I wonder what boundaries are left to cross....). But getting back to my point- I mean that this lacks the sexy that comes with good sex. This is a good fuck- that's what it is. But it ain't sex. And the thing is- if his fucking is on this level- at this stage, mind you- then imagine what his sex game will be? I envy the women who get to find out the answer to that question.

I truly can't help but picture it in my head, because I already know he matches my sexual energy- so fucking much. This dude, has the level of game I used to bring to the art before I was let down by the men I encountered. This dude is the vibe I fucking longed for since shit ended between myself and C. Given the opportunity I know we'd fucking blow each others' minds- but the harsh reality is that that's about as likely as Melania Trump becoming queen of England. There's no reality in which we get to explore that and find out- unless somewhere down the line, 5 years from now we've somehow managed to remain friends and decide to re-explore these avenues... Until such a day, it will remain a secret truth I will carry in my heart- regretting forever that we were born at the wrong time. Such is the bane of existence. Everything, from our friendship to the fun but casual and wild endeavours that we could've explored remain at the brink of our existence- so visible yet too far to ever touch. *insert loud defeated sigh here*

And then what about myself?? How is my game so bad?? I mean like wtf?? I still haven't managed to blow his mind? Or rather I did it once and never again?? Come on! I can't believe I haven't yet managed to get him off. What's going on Shenelli?? How am I failing at this?? And NO, I'm not going to take that. I need to accomplish this goal somehow before the dude leaves- I can't be the girl who couldn't get off a first-timer. That's a whole other level of pathetic... And even more so when his fucking D*ck game sends me reeling off the edge and dripping down my legs. ok... Focus. We have a mission. Sure, you can't have the hot and steamy, but you still have a mission to accomplish and we ain't giving up until you blow him and simultaneously blow his mind.

You've got a month. Get to work!

P.s: Even I don't know why this had to be so graphic- but trust me when I say I was holding back even with this.

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Anyone But You... (know-who)

Well, the jig is up. I can no longer deny that I have strong feelings for you- so strong they feel a lot like the "L" word... And that's not a good thing. Mainly because you don't feel the same but also because this could not possibly go anywhere.

Right now I'm caught in this strange dilemma, where I want to continue our friendship- pretending I don't harbour these feelings, just so that I get to keep you in my life. But I am hurting myself in the process. I also feel like in doing so, I'm hurting my chances at any future friendship we may have. I can't come clean to you about all this, it'll only freak you out- rightly so- so I need to figure out a way to walk away with some sort of dignity intact.

I need to point out however that I never meant for any of this to happen. I have never had something like this happen before either- but I think somewhere down the line I just felt a strong attraction to you and that developed into a sense of wanting to be in your life and then just needing you and now whatever this is. I also think our questionable physical intimacy may have also opened the pathway for me to acknowledge these feelings that I had suppressed for a while.

I keep waiting for it to go away, but it won't. And the more I think about it the more guilty I feel, but I'm helpless here. I can't change the way I feel. I can only walk away- for your sake and mine. At one point I gave into the wishful thinking that we could build a friendship that will stand the test of time- a sort of platonic love (platonic from your end at least), but the reality is looking a lot bleaker... I can't deny that the most likely course of events will be that you outgrow this friendship and I will be left fighting till the bitter end. So at the end of the line I stand to lose either way- but I feel that in picking the moment when I lose, I retain the slightest form of control in a hopeless situation. I won't lie- this is going to break me. I cannot fathom how I will do life without you- and I really don't want to have to. But there's also no denying the truth- You mean a lot more to me than I mean to you. And I've accepted that harsh and painful truth for a while now, but it's becoming harder as time goes by. It also means, you'll handle losing me, a lot better than I'll handle losing you.

So I guess, this is the breaking point. This is where I say goodbye to my friend and my secret "almost-L-word".

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Guilty As Sin

Never have I related more to a song (since "she used to be me"), like I currently do with Taylor's brilliantly worded masterpiece: "Guilty As Sin?"

I've been struggling with so many illicit thoughts about him. Thoughts I really cannot- should not- have. But I can't fight it. The feeling overwhelms me. I have even gone so far as to wonder if I'm in love with the idiot. Could I really make such a big blunder? Have I been reckless with my heart?

Sometimes the feeling is similar- like being in love. Or is it just some strong form of lust? Does that make it better?? Either way he and I can never be. And there it is- the gut-wrenching pain. The feeling of wanting to tear my heart out to take away the feeling of craving this thing. The desire to hold him to me.

And you know what's worse?? I can't bloody tell a soul. I mean what can I say?! And the secret is killing me. I want to let it out- take away its power, and usually if I had something this hard to deal with I'd talk to him about it... Guess that's out of the question.

But for a moment let me stray from how wrong this is and tell you what's really in my heart when I think of him. I want to call him mine- maybe not right now, but at some point. I don't even know why. Nothing about him should make me feel this way, and yet I do. I dream of loving him, and him loving me- looking at me with eyes that really see me for who I am, and admire me, not just eyes that look and don't see. I want to feel his hands in my hair- in a moment of affection. I want him to push me up against a wall and kiss me passionately, only for things to escalate from there to a night of steaming passion and writhing bodies. I want him to feel the way I do. I want his heart to hurt at the idea of losing me...

But it doesn't. To him I'm just another friend. He doesn't think of me beyond that. He doesn't think of me at all really. And it hurts. I want to scream and beg. I want to tell him to care. To think of me. To feel something- even if it isn't love. Just concern. I dunno... Something. I want him to think of me. But he won't. I'm no one. Not to him. And somehow he's someone to me- not just someone, but someone I almost "L" word.

I don't want to though. I can't have waited all these years to almost "L" word someone like him. I can't have waited all these years to love a boy I can't have. How do I overcome this? This ugly thing that's unfolding. This isn't a beautiful love story. It's ugly. It's forbidden- impure.

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The young and the restless

Yep.. It's yet another post about him. The infamous kid best-friend. Lately it's been a lot about him really. Maybe because somehow by going down that path I thought I'd somehow built a closer connection to him, only to find that he was now pushing me away or distancing himself from me.

And then one day it's all gone. We're neither close nor intimate and all the things that made him what he was to me is somehow missing in him. It feels so surreal. Suddenly I'm not admiring his maturity but rather frowning at his immaturity. He's no longer patient and understanding but restless and uncaring. He's reckless and doesn't care about what he does or how it affects the people in his life, and in doing so he's no longer who he was, and I've lost my best friend.

I mean it's probably a good lesson for trying to be best friends with a bloody 16 year old at 32.. But it never felt weird. The thought that it should be weird was the only thing that made it weird- but it didn't actually feel weird. I loved our friendship. It worked. He understood me and he cared and it was the same with me for him. It made sense despite the glaring age gap. But he's not that guy anymore. I don't know who this guy is, but he's not my best friend.

This new guy isn't patient or understanding. He's restless and angry. He's impatient and reckless. He's unbothered by what he does and what he says. He doesn't want to be his best self- he's perfectly fine being unapologetically toxic male. Suddenly everything that set him apart is gone and he's one of them- the men I've been running away from. He's become one of them and I'm powerless to save him- to resurrect the guy he used to be- and I feel so helpless. And at the same time I tolerate so much in him that I would never have tolerated in any other guy. I make excuses- "he's young", "maybe he's stressed with exams", "he needs you"... I always have a lie to tell myself just so that I put up with the kind of toxic and hurtful behaviour that I would never have put up with in anyone else. And what's worse is I know that I do this not so much for his sake, but for my own- because deep in my heart I can't hide from the gut-wrenching truth that is: I need him. I need him much more than he needs me- so I can't walk away.

He says things that feel like daggers to the heart and he says it so callously- as if he couldn't care less. And I keep wondering who is this guy? And what has he done with my best friend? Where's the guy who stayed up on call with me till midnight to be the first to wish me? How and when was he replaced by "happy birthday bro"? But more importantly can I have him back please? Because this dime-a-dozen version, this "Daraz version" of fine art is not to my taste and I want my Rembrandt back. I miss him. I need him. Send him back, please God. I need my best friend back.

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