#family jokes

[pirateprincessjess]

When I was a kid my family pretended to get raptured so I would think I was left behind on earth while they all went to heaven.

I was like 8 years old and my sister and mom had gotten really into the Left Behind novels (bible fan fic about the rapture). In the books when the rapture happened the clothes that people were wearing when they got raptured were left behind in neatly folded piles.

One day when I was getting home from school my family decided that they would leave piles of neatly folded clothes around the house, and then hide in the basement.

The intended effect was that I would get home and see the clothes then, think that my family had been raptured and that I wasn’t good enough to get into heaven… or something?

The problem was that I had never read these books, and didn’t really think about the rapture very often. There was no reason that I would see some laundry on the floor and think “The rapture happened and I’ve been abandoned by God! I’ll never see my family again!! Oh nooo!!!!”

I just sat down and watched cartoons and eventually my family got bored and revealed that they were all hiding in the basement.

It’s a good thing I didn’t understand the joke, otherwise that shit would have been traumatic.

[doghowto]

Man unintentionally teaches his Corgi sign language! 😊 Follow me for more smart puppers!

[daily-spooky]

[melinaedition]

Hilarious Jokes for the Whole Family: A Treasure Trove of Knock-Knocks, One-Liners, and More...

by Melina Edition

[punsify1]

Laugh Out Loud With 200+ Daughter Puns That Show Just How Much You Adore Your Girl

Looking for a way to celebrate the joy of having a daughter with a side of laughter? “200+ Daughter Puns and Jokes That Will Make You Laugh Until You Call Her Your Best Pun!”

is just what you need. From sweet and sassy wordplay to hilarious one-liners, this collection will capture the heart of any proud parent or daughter.

Whether you’re looking to brighten her day, share a giggle, or just enjoy some light-hearted humor, these puns are the perfect pick-me-up. Check out more clever puns that will have you laughing together in no time!

10 Daughter Puns That Will Make You Giggle Together

Why did the daughter get a job at the bakery? She was great at “kneading” some dough! 🥐

My daughter said she’s a magician — I didn’t believe her, but she “disappears” every time there are chores! 🎩

Why did the daughter bring a ladder to school? She heard her grades were on the “up and up”! 📚

My daughter said she’s going to be famous. I said, “Go ahead, you’re a ‘star-ter’ already!” 🌟

Why does my daughter love math class? Because she always has “acute” angle on life! 📐

My daughter told me she’s feeling “punderful” today — I guess she’s really embracing the family “wordplay”! 😊

Why did the daughter start a gardening club? She wanted to “grow” her circle of friends! 🌷

My daughter’s favorite color is blue — because she says it’s the color of “pun-sky” days! 🌈

Why does my daughter always laugh at my jokes? Because she’s my “pun-kid” at heart! 🥇

I asked my daughter if she’s ready for a great day. She said, “I’m ‘pun-sitive’ I am!” ☀️

Read: 200+ Daughter Puns and Jokes That Will Make You Laugh Until You Call Her Your Best Pun!

[inkskinned]

probably time for this story i guess but when i was a kid there was a summer that my brother was really into making smoothies and milkshakes. part of this was that we didn't have AC and couldn't afford to run fans all day so it was kind of important to get good at making Cool Down Concoctions.

we also had a patch of mint, and he had two impressionable little sisters who had the attitude of "fuck it, might as well."

at one point, for fun, this 16 year old boy with a dream in his eye and scientific fervor in heart just wanted to see how far one could push the idea of "vanilla mint smoothie". how much vanilla extract and how much mint can go into a blender before it truly is inedible.

the answer is 3 cups of vanilla extract, 1/2 cup milk alternative, and about 50 sprigs (not leaves, whole spring) of mint. add ice and the courage of a child. idk, it was summer and we were bored.

the word i would use to describe the feeling of drinking it would maybe be "violent" or perhaps, like. "triangular." my nose felt pristine. inhaling following the first sip was like trying to sculpt a new face. i was ensconced in a mesh of horror. it was something beyond taste. for years after, i assumed those commercials that said "this is how it feels to chew five gum" were referencing the exact experience of this singular viscous smoothie.

what's worse is that we knew our mother would hate that we wasted so much vanilla extract. so we had to make it worth it. we had to actually finish the drink. it wasn't "wasting" it if we actually drank it, right? we huddled around outside in the blistering sun, gagging and passing around a single green potion, shivering with disgust. each sip was transcendent, but in a sort of non-euclidean way. i think this is where i lost my binary gender. it eroded certain parts of me in an acidic gut ecology collapse.

here's the thing about love and trust: the next day my brother made a different shake, and i drank it without complaint. it's been like 15 years. he's now a genuinely skilled cook. sometimes one of the three of us will fuck up in the kitchen or find something horrible or make a terrible smoothie mistake and then we pass it to each other, single potion bottle, and we say try it it's delicious. it always smells disgusting. and then, cerimonious, we drink it together. because that's what family does.

[chloesimaginationthings]

The FNAF Mikes talk about their extended family..

[karawatermelon]

When I was about 15, my parents hosted all of my paternal grandmother's side of the family. Like 30 folks in total, ranging from older than my grandma to little kids.

Well, on the last night of the reunion (it was over a long weekend), we broke out all the traditional stuff from my grandmother's Norwegian youth- lefse rolls of all kinds, smoked salmon, lamb stew, lots of cabbage and potatoes, etc. We listened to music, played games, told family stories of days in Norway, and told jokes.

At the very end of the night, one of my great uncles stands up, and says "Before we all go, I have one complaint." He looked at my mother and said, "The food was excellent, [my mom], but I didn’t see any lutefisk!" He fished around in his pocket and pulled out a recipe card and then his reading glasses.

All of us kids were silent now, curious if one of the adults was about to get embarrassed.

He begins reading the recipe from the card, all seriousness, and I'm seeing my mother wilt that she somehow left out this piece of family history. The recipe is as follows, best I can remember:

1. Dry cod filets, cure with salt.

2. About two weeks before eating, soak the filets in water, changing it every day for 5 days.

3. Put the filets in a mixture of water and lye (yes, that lye) for one to two days. This will make it gelatinous, but also poisonous.

4. Soak the filets in fresh water for an equal amount of time to remove the lye.

Congrats, you now have lutefisk that is ready to be cooked. It was at this point I begin to think this is not all above board. My dad has that little twinkle in his eye he gets when he's done something to prank my mom. Anyway, the recipe continues:

5. Put it on a clean pine board.

6. Flatten the fish, you want an even layer of lutefisk across.

7. Put salt, pepper and butter on the fish.

8. Bake it for 30 minutes on the board.

9. Let it cool.

10. Throw out the lutefisk and eat the board!

Now, when lutefisk pops up in conversation, my brothers, dad, or I will always chime in "Eat the board!" 🤣

(Relatedly, we say "oof da" unironically in my family, a phrase that I have been told roughly translates to a more polite "ah shit".)

Tell me about a joke that you and your family absolutely lose your shit over that other people would not get.

Tell me about the very unique way you pick on each other.

Or tell me about a pop culture reference your family will never let die and you’ve never heard any other family use it.

*chin on hands* I just love hearing these stories. (I’m obsessed with little loser microcultures like families and very niche fandoms) So lay it on me.

[bioshzrd]

this random ass guy who’s entire bit is that he can move like this is the only good wesker fan ever

[fanaticalthings]

important family group chat discussions

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[doghowto]

Everybody finding just the right spot... 😺 Follow me for more dog & cat pals!

[fortist166]

Damian *sob*: My girl is too dumb for Valentine’s Day.

[atomikats]

beat that, shanks

[ruubesz-draws]

Showing off the babies

(I watched Ultraman Rising! It was good!)

Bonus:

From this

[lilislegacy]

i feel like percy is the person that people bring with them when they need to go somewhere or do something potentially dangerous. or more realistically, he’s the one who people’s loved ones tell them to take with. it just makes people feel better knowing percy is there. you know what i mean?

sally has a meeting with someone who sounds a bit weird (and paul can’t go)? paul tells her to bring percy.

paul needs to go to a really sketchy part of town? sally asks him to bring percy

piper got a weird anonymous note and needs to go meet them at a location? annabeth tells her to bring percy

leo has to go get some magic machine part from a really shady dealer? piper tells him to bring percy

frank has to go on an unofficial quest to investigate some shady legion history, and hazel has to stay with camp? hazel tells him to bring percy

and it’s NOT because any of these people can’t take care of themselves. they are all strong and brave and badass, and can handle anything. but for one, percy is intimidating as hell. his “wolf stare” sends literal gangs running the other way. you can avoid conflict before it even happens, because no one is messing with percy. and second, percy just makes you feel safe. his presence is comforting. not only has he been through all the demigod-hero-world-saving shit, and is powerful as hell, but he also grew up in new york city. he can handle pretty much any situation. plus he’s super sweet and funny, and you can always count on him to make you laugh and decrease your anxiety. and he’s always got your back. he takes care of the people he loves.

he’s just the best company. for so many reasons.

when in doubt, bring percy