#except i feel no shame ever
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I like big butt's and I cannot lie
These other brothers can't deny
when a girl walks in
with a itty bitty waist
and a ROUND THING IN YOUR FACE
you get SPRUNg
WANNA PULL UP TOUGH CAUSE YOU NOTICED THAT BUTT WAS STUFFED! DEEP IN THE JEANS SHE HAS WEARIN, IM HOOKED AND I CANT STOP STARIN
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i haven't been this not okay in over a year and i do not miss it and i do not want it
#good to know i can still spiral this hard and catastrophize as well as i ever did DESPITE EVERY TECHNIQUE I KNOW.#and yoga. and breathing. and cold water and ice. and logic. and distractions. and thought reframing.#teeth aren't a moral judgement EXCEPT THEY FEEL LIKE THEY ARE#I feel like I'm going to ACTUALLY DIE. ACTUALLY DIE#I was JUST the other day so grateful it's been so long since I was mostly dissociated instead of mostly present and now all I want is to be#checked the FUCK out and also not exist so I don't have to go tomorrow#pull yourself together @ me you have objectively already survived much worse#and you have it much better than it could be#and worst case scenarios are still dealable-with even though they don't feel like it#unhelpfully. all my brain wants to do is tell every person i know that i'm freaked out and terrified and full of shame and guilt and dread#and want COMFORT AND ATTENTION#and it's like bitch you wouldn't even accept it if you asked and they DID give it to you. you are so fucked up right now. chill. OUT.#@ all of you I am SO sorry i'm liveblogging my breakdown today. i'm scared to open my journal and spiral more so this is all I've got#I'll be done with this mode by the end of tomorrow I promise#shh katie
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together in every universe. or something
#bojan cvjetićanin#kris guštin#joker out#im neglecting schoolwork to draw this but that seems like the norm at this point#hoping if i get it all out of my system now i'll be normal during exam szn (in like. a week 😨)#<<sorry if i keep talking about school btw (semi age reveal ahead) gcses are fucking killing me uuaghhgshhahhhaj#i actually quite like this since i started drawing on a whim this afternoon and its only ten now#i dont even mind the lineart (DONT LOOK AT BOJANS HAND OR ILL JUMP OUT A WINDOW)#only a one storey one tho 💗💗💗 can't die without seeing bokris irl <<pipe dream as im too embarrassed to go to a concert#NO because bumping into jo in london would be my worst fucking nightmare 😭😭😭#what do i even fucking say 'hey are you jan from jo--' NO id combust on the spot#and what if im bothering them uknow 😭😭 idk but i used to live in an asian city where none of my idols from the west would ever visit#(except safiya love you safiya) so keeping the real life person and fictiinalized versions apart in my brain and/or at arms length was easy#but now that i live in the uk and the chances of seeing them irl are non-zero? and presented with the chance to#actively seek them out and you know go to a concert#im just too scared and awkward to do it#maybe i'll bully my friend into going with me#i feel safer revealing age more in the fucking depths of these tags but another thing that makes me feel awkward about going is age#like ik lots of jo fans are younger than me and there's no shame at all in bringing your parents i just feel so embarrassed?? to???#like i'd rather go with my friends#but that would require at least us riding the train alone and i am a small east asian girl who never looks up from the floor ever#sooooo#not happening any time soon#maybe next yr?? but probably not#unless i suddenly get a lot more independant and cool#i doubt anyone's read this much of my tags but if you have 😭😭 hope you like the art i guess#at the time of me writing i want to draw more but i'll see#(you will know since it will have been posted)#a tag previously used to say 'queueing to post at school' this is false as i am now in fact nauseous at home#my art
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crushes as a concept are kinda crazy
#timothy's txts.#like i already have a complicated relationship with them because i am NOT good at identifying my feelings ever#so it’s like. well. anyways.#let alone the shame i grew up with. i don’t think ive willingly told anyone about a crush except. twice?#but anyways what i’m trying to say is that crushes as a concept are funny because people are like ohh this person gives me butterflies#and to me that’s a thing when i’m really anxious. like. this person makes me Scared. and that’s a good thing ? question mark??#and then you experience it and it’s like Oh. it’s a good thing… 😟#tw emoji#shoutout to everyone who gets normal crushes that sounds terrifying and exhausting#i’m so hungry i need to grab lunch
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Honestly, just feeling super grateful for the people I’ve come across in the rpc since creating this blog for my silly lil cowboy. I’ve had ups and downs when it comes to roleplay since starting back in the day but never have I ever put a character of my own out there and that was something that scared me for a long time, being aware of the way that the rpc used to view OC’s. I’ve always been a big fan of OC’s, even when I played canon characters! It was my favorite part about building relationships and dynamics between muses, having canons interact with OC’s. So many interesting things could come of it! I met so many good friends this way! Now here I am, seeing things from the other side—things have gotten so much better obviously! And I’ve been having the time of my life sharing my boy with you all. It thrills me that people can get just as hyped over him as I can!!
I have so many threads going on but it doesn’t even overwhelm me anymore because I’m excited to always have something to reply to whenever I get to it. I’ve met so many lovely people so far and had the privilege to have my fella interact with so many different muses in both positive and negative ways (both are welcome bc they yield interesting results everytime). I’m so thankful for those who give him attention, those who admire him from afar, and those who reach out to me (even if I’m not always that responsive!!!) so we can just casually chat about things.
Super thankful also for the folks who reblogged my commission post and to those who sent me commissions as well, it’s been super helpful and it’s made me realize that my art is actually worth more than I initially was chalking it up to be due to me being super hard on myself as an artist lmfao. So thank yall for boosting my confidence with my art and my son here, truly it means the world to me!
#ooc#appreciation post#sorry to ramble I’m feeling sentimental 😭#I just never thought I’d see myself here and HERE I AM#this blog is probably the most I’ve ever been attracted to a character except… he’s mine?? so it’s ten million times better 😭#I can make art and head canons without shame 8’)
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,
#i feel so helpless when i see people being so down on themselves#the community is definitely smaller now and i get why but for those that remain and continue to create#to think that it’s something they’re doing wrong - IT ABSOLUTELY ISN’T#and i wish i could do something to make everyone believe that#i wanna hug everyone and tell them how bright they still make this community - or what remains of it - still so cosy and lovely#whether it’s someone i don’t know in the tag or one of my friends it stings still#this community has some of the most exceptional talent i’ve ever seen -#talent in every form - and as someone that has gone through many fandoms and hate at their creations i tend to not look at numbers anymore#but i get it why people do - i get it SO MUCH#to not get the recognition - it hurts. i get it!#but i’ve learned over time that there are COUNTLESS ‘ghost readers’ or ‘ghost viewers’ that see and appreciate your work but just don’t-#interact with it - i was one of those people up until january this year!#my ao3 was already flooded with qsmp fics before i made this blog and i didn’t have the fitpacs account yet so didn’t leave kudos or anyth#but my point is - i get entirely why it’s easy to get wrapped up#i’ve been there but honestly - you are so appreciated#and i know me saying this makes no difference and i don’t expect to#but i love and appreciate this community with my whole heart#and whether you are someone i speak to a lot or we’ve never spoken at all - thank you for your beautiful creations#it’s a real shame how things went down behind the scenes obviously#but it’s so beautiful that so many people still have such passion to create#and if there is ANYTHING i can do to help build peoples spirits with regards to this please let me know#this community has done so much for me (more than you know) and i really want to give#something back
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okay. calling all yandereheads. does anyone know any stories that has a yandere but like they have a sidekick (that doesnt really want to be their sidekick but is forced into it and decides to make the most of their situation and ends up acting like a silly friend to them) and at first they hate their sidekick and want their ass dead but keep em around bc their sidekick helps them stalk their crush but then the story does a switcharoo where the yandere realizes sidekick is their #truelove and goes yandere for sidekick
#THIS CONCEPT HAS SO MUCH POTENTIAL IDK WHY NOBODY DOING IT#LIKE THIS WOULD WORK REALLY FUCKING WELL AS A COMEDY SLICE OF LIFE MANGA I KNOW IT (except in execution the yandere probs never falls in#love with sidekick 🙄)#BUT I NEED TO SEE IF ANYBODY HAS MADE THIS EXCEPT THEY GO ALL IN WITH THE YAOI#im sorry im asking because the demons are taking over again#since this trope has had a gorilla grip on my brain ever since my depressive episode got really bad that one time so i was on wattpad right?#and i was lookin at yandere x readers because i needed to feel middle school joy again but then i found one that was Unironically Good.#i kept reading it bc the yanderes name is the name of my fucking dead grandfather and i thought that was really funny and it was well#written but kinda shitty at the same time bc it wasnt aids to read but it was japanese setting that Was Very American#and (y/n) [that i named yosuke] is actually such a good charactee bc he doesnt give a fuck about anything hes like shang qinghua HES SO#LIKABLE AND FUNNY HES EATING SHIT EVERYDAY AND FEELS LIKE A COMIC RELIEF ITS SO GOOD#oh also for this fanfic i checked the authors acc and saw they had disappeared for months and i was like lol i guess they got hit by a car#and then i found out they actually did#but anyways yeah that fanfic is my enemy though bc its so good but still so fucking shameful and i refuse to get anybody into it#SO THATS WHY I NEED SOME MEDIA TO TAKE THAT PREMISE AND USE IT TO ITS FULL POTENTIAL AGAIN#BC SOMEONE HAS TO TOP THE FUCKING YANDERE X READER WATTPAD FANFICTION#PLEASE#AUWGJSJDKSKSKS THAT FUCKING FANFICCCCC...... So GOOD.... <-(demons are winning)
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Being obsessed with moral purity (and the appearance thereof) is far more likely to turn you into an abuser than a kind and compassionate person who cares for their community and there are so many cautionary tales about this in media and yet *gestures at all of social media*
#every single one of us has said and done things that would make us the main character of twitter for a few days. without exception.#like one if the most well known quotes from the fuckin bible is about this exactly. it is so basic.#it's literally just redirection of people's fear and shame around their own actions/feeling/thoughts etc#i think we need to stop putting so much emphasis on being a Good Person#like do your best obviously. treat people with all the kindness you know how. but we are deeply flawed and imperfect beings.#and that's not something that will ever go away#no matter how much you effort you put into self-improvement. you still have to try but you must also#accept the fact that you will often fail#and in the Court of the Internet there is no space for that and therefore no space for real learning or growth#im fairly certain the only cure for this shit is engaging in good faith with other human beings in meat space.#im not SURE because *gestures at all of human history* obviously these problems exist there too#but god knows nothing about how we engage with The Discourse on social media is going to engender real understanding#and lead us to a more enlightened age
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wip wednesthursday ! bc im not going to bed until the hurricane quiets down
She misses Astarion. He’s not talking to her (again) because she won’t apologize for considering ways she could reconstruct Godey (obviously not something she would ever follow through on) in her private spellwork journal (which he should stop reading, if it offends him so) until he apologizes for promising his star-crossed suitor their aid in the upcoming infernal burglary (and really, if Astarion and Wyll were Karlach’s friends, then they ought to know she never wants Elen near her heart again, figuratively or literally). They will, almost certainly, end this fight exactly like the last few; Astarion will suddenly pretend it never happened, she will follow suit, and they will both move on uncontrite.
#im spending a lot of time in bluebirds on failed communication between jaheira & little elen to set up for how it affects them later#having so much fun w the thought-redaction in elen's pov. her narration rushes through plot that makes her feel guilt or shame#baby elen skips over the actual killing and deletes half of her dialogue w jaheira (whose pov is factual but lacks elens emotional reasons)#adult elen does not ever let herself think abt missing karlach except in the fights w astarion where he brings it up & she skips past it#elen#i love her. she sucks#vampireposted
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when a piece of media lowkey kinda seems funny as fuck sometimes but u got a severe lifelong phobia of it that u have Tried to get over to really almost no avail so u gotta just mind ur business
#oh the person i would be if my mom had not played a clip of it when i was 2-3 yrs old thinking it was funny#except she had context for it i did not so i did NOT in fact find it funny#now its been like 20 yrs and im still terrified of that Thing#like by what i have learned abt it against my will i actually do think#i wouldve come to like it. in another life where i did not see it for the first time as a toddler#but w the way my brain set up now…horrifying.#im being intentionally vague fyi not bc its embarrassing (ive been Scared for 20 yrs atp i cant feel shame for it)#but bc i like to argue and im not making that public information to anyone but friends or trusted moots#hell if im having one of my two SEVERE phobias used against me ever. it happened to me once in a gc so never again!#ceci speaks
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one of my favorite parts of strategy games like chess and advance wars is that feeling when you haven't quite won yet but the enemy has no real options so it feels like you're just sloowly wrapping around them like a snake. when all your enemy has is their king and you've managed to turn 3 of your pawns into queens, and all you've gotta do is get in juust the right position, and in the meantime all they can do is squirm. god, that's such a wonderful feeling. nothing quite like it
#incidentally i don't like it when versions of chess insist on enforcing a stalemate rule#honestly to a certain extent i feel like if your enemy has nothing but a king and you've got more than one queen that should just be an#automatic win. like exodia except instead of the individual pieces being useless they're all the most powerful monster card in the game#i think the favorite card i had as a kid was my five headed dragon. thought that shit was so cool. 5000 in both attack and defense???#it seemed unbeatable to my little kid brain. also it was a dragon. of course i loved it#i never learned how to Actually play yugioh of course. just what rules my stupid kid reading comprehension could understand#im pretty sure a monster has to be in play for you to be able to sacrifice it. i didn't know that so i filled my deck with nothing but#really strong monsters and i'd just sacrifice some directly from my hand to summon what i wanted#i stole a lot of yugioh cards as a kid from target. i'm comfortable saying this online because the statute of limitations has absolutely ru#out by now. i looked it up.#i remember for the first time i stole a box set that had exodia. i remember on my way home so i could open it... i genuinely felt like ther#was something mystical in that box. something ancient. there was something really special about that to my kid brain#i'd later steal quite a few more because i got the bright idea to fill a deck with nothing but exodia cards. i figured i'd always have a#first draw win. took me until actually trying to play it that i realized i'd often just get 5 left arms which obviously wouldn't work#so i took that deck and added some actual monsters to “hold me off”. it was pretty much just a normal deck with too much space taken up by#essentially useless cards. i don't think i ever actually won by drawing exodia naturally. what a shame#side note but i still get a bit anxious every time i go to that target. i haven't in years and i can basically guarantee they wouldn't#recognize Grown Ass Adult me as “that kid who stole a lot of yugioh cards”. it's been almost a decade if memory serves#i've grown a lot since then. both physically and metaphorically#i digress
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watched the episode of Frasier where he goes after Kate at the airport and they both want to pursue a real relationship because ,, they can’t stop thinking about that affair they had ,, and when they actually sit down and talk to each other they realize they have basically nothing in common and so they let go ,, a powerful lesson in there somewhere
#like perhaps!!! starting a romantic relationship with physical intimacy IS a bad idea did you ever think of THAT#then at the end of it all it’s like well. that’s a shame#we would’ve worked so well except no you wouldn’t have!!!!!#not to sound like an old lady but it was all hormones!!!!!!#except that. yknow if you’d followed that feeling that attraction and channeled it into something productive like a conversation#you wouldn’t be sitting here at the end with all these regrets#also the episodes leading up to that resolution#(some very uncomfy stuff happening there)#in retrospect should’ve just skipped over that story arc but anyway I watched it and I do think it was a good reminder to#make decisions with my head and not my heart#which yeah! it is difficult! but you avoid so much heartache in the end too#elly's posts
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"you have to reblog this post even if it doesnt match the theme of your blog" my brother in christ no i don't. i do have to murder you though. because of your guilt tripping. you understand, right?
#LIKE DUDE. im not gonna reblog guilt tripping shit ever#i dont wanna make anyone feel bad idc if its '''important''' if you wanted me to reblog the post you should not have been a dick about it#this applies especially to shit where there is nothing we can do about it except for Know#but it also applies to posts with a billion links to help in some way#because everyone should have the right to just mindlessly scroll through tumblr every once in a while#you know. without being forced into the shame/self hatred spiral by an irresponsible bitch who thinks they have the right to judge everyone#like man its not that hard to say shit like 'this is important please reblog'#instead of saying 'if you dont reblog this youre a horrible person no matter what'#like. fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you#between the two of us there is one horrible person and let me tell you its not me
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#body dysmorphia is literally the worst thing ever omg#all my life i have been waiting to look like a certain beauty standard before i can start the 'rest of my life' whatever that means#EVEN THE SIMPLEST THINGS#like i want to buy a phone but it's expensive so im bargaining with myself that if i work towards looking a certain way then it's justified#and it is so fucking annoying god whenever i look back at my pictures im always like 'i wish i could look like that again'#BUT THEN ive never felt good about the way i looked maybe except that one year when i wasn't completely depressed ??????#and i want to start to exercise because i know it helps me calm the fuck down sometimes#but there's always this thought in the back of my mind that yeah maybe if i exercise it will also help me in looking a certain way#and then i feel so fucking ashamed of feeling that way so i never start?????#but i thought the ONE thing that i could start now without having to wait to start the 'rest of my life' is therapy#but it just ended with a subtle body shaming and i didn't think much of it but boy am i in a spiral now#and i hate it absolutely hate it this week has been so fucking awful i cant#anyways that's why ive been mia with my first world problems so i'll respond when i get back i guess#vi.txt
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was riverdaleposting on my finsta a while back and my gf replied saying something about “do you have anyone to talk to about this? is that something you need?” and i have honestly never felt more cared for in my life like ?? you understand my need to talk about these things?? and you’re making sure that need is being met?? which is not only so considerate but helps me reframe my investment in my interests from something negative or compulsive to something normal and necessary to my self-regulation? wtf?
#99% of the time when ppl bring up anything to do with my autism it makes me severely uncomfortable#especially because i have a lot of feelings around being infantalized and a lot of the way people talk about it can bring that up for me#even some terminology itself feels infantalizing#like if someone calls me out for self-stimulatory behaviors even if it’s in a positive way#like oh i’m so glad you feel comfy stimming around me#i always just feel weird like… why are you pointing it out??#prob bc i have shame around it and any qualities seen as child-like that it imbues in me#anyway all that to say#it didn’t make me feel weird or infantilized at all when she said that#and it’s the first time someone has ever accommodated my autism without making me feel like a freak in the process#esp in regards to my interests#thinking about times when im just casually mentioning my interests and ppl are like omg i looooove when autistic ppl infodump on me#im like???? okay why are you making it weird#why does it have to be about my autism all of a sudden#why can’t i just be your friend who feels itchy if they go too long without talking about riverdale#are u trying to get ally points? bc if so#not granted#basically no one is allowed to talk about my autism or it’s related symptoms except me#that’s all#but you’re still welcome to check in with me about how i’m being affected as long as it doesn’t involve your opinion#like never ask me if i’m having a meltdown i hate that word and i might actually kill you if you say that to me when i am dysregulated#you can just say are you okay
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i hope andrew hussie gets shot in the head i am so serious
#nothing happened or anything i just hate him forever and i want him to die#my posts#well something did happen i was crying for reasons i dont understand about everyone around me irl thinking homestuck is good bc of how#into it i was for so long and they basically only ever knew it as a part of me and they love me so they love it#but i fucking hate homestuck i hate it so much#its so dead to me and i feel nothing for it except bitter resentment and shame and the fact that if i were to go back in time and never read#it i would be a completely different person and its fundamental to who i am makes me want to THROW UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#but there's something else and i dont understand what it is but its making me so sad#he needs to die. he needs to die for making me feel like this#i doubt it would fix anything but its worth trying anyway#any followers who like homestuck i still love you this beef is personal its between me and him#vent#didnt even tag that at first bc i never do that
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