witnessprotectionprogramurl

[witnessprotectionprogramurl]

ok that was the scheduled post, i'm done. this blog will now rot forever or until i get everything i need from it and delete it. whichever comes first, byeee

[witnessprotectionprogramurl]

*dressed as jfk* trick or treat!!

TRICK!!! *zaps you with the time beam*

get time traveled >:3

[witnessprotectionprogramurl]

okay gang so. i have one very important post that has been scheduled for a really long time so this fuckass blog ain't going anywhere until that's taken care of.

after that i'll probably leave it to rot forever bc there's some shit in here i wanna be able to find, but i won't use the blog bc my paranoia is off the charts like yeah sure i changed the url really fast but what if there's a link somewhere that leads back here what if they had a third secret account that was also following me etc etc.

after much deliberation i have decided to say i did make a whole ass new account and this time i'll be more fucking careful i guess 😭 hopefully it works out. obviously i'm not gonna say what the new url is, but like. dearest mutuals, either you'll find me or i'll find you.

also like if you don't have the context, all of this sounds really ominous but like it's fine it's okay it's just the most ridiculous situation i've ever been in driving me insane it's fine

[witnessprotectionprogramurl]

oh im 100% getting rid of this whole account as soon as possible jesus fuck

[witnessprotectionprogramurl]

He was really putting those blorbos in situations huh

Source

[witnessprotectionprogramurl]

Fun phrases you can use to the detriment of everyone around you:

"This vexes me." Use this in response to anything negative said about you. The more you use it, the better. "That haircut isn't working, man." "This vexes me." "...What?"

"I'd press L2 at the precise time, parrying the [X]." Use this in response to any hypothetical. "What would you do if your best friend flirted with you?" "I'd press L2 at the precise time, parrying his flirt." "W- What the fuck are you talking about?"

"This is so sad, can we get 50 likes?" Use this in response to any complaints. Much funnier if you use it in realspace. "Me and my girl had a fight. No idea how I'm gonna make it up to her." "This is so sad, can we get 50 likes?" "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"It's because of the Ritual." Use this in response to any question regarding the cause of something. Never explain what "the Ritual" is. If anyone asks, say "Don't worry about it!" And smile. "Ugh, why can't anyone here be good at their jobs!?" "It's because of the Ritual." "...What's the Ritual?" "Don't worry about it! =)"

"That's what they want you to think!" Use this in response to anyone stating any facts. "I just landed a new gig." "That's what they want you to think!" "What? Who's 'they'?" "..." "What the fuck?"

PS: Don't do this to anyone who isn't, like, a close friend you're comfortable fucking with. You will get ousted if you do.

[witnessprotectionprogramurl]

The problem with commercial F/M romance is that it's written by the most heterosexual women alive and reading it you feel yourself slowly suffocating from the Gender of it all like a fish in a eutrophying lake. And what we actually need as a culture is F/M written by insane bisexuals violently allergic to heteronormativity

[witnessprotectionprogramurl]

she was at the club. it didnt change anything. it didnt save anyone. there were just too many forces against it. but it still matters that she was at the club.

[witnessprotectionprogramurl]

Representation matters

[witnessprotectionprogramurl]

you have to listen to loud music . it scares the evil creatures from your head

[witnessprotectionprogramurl]

the human stress response seems so maladaptive!

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People need to stop spreading rumours about the sinister goings-on at my dark palace.

[witnessprotectionprogramurl]

when your pet comes to you from another room, the preceding moments meant that they were alone somewhere and thought about YOU, an animal brain literally thought about you and came to you to see what you were doing. that’s love, unconditional.

[witnessprotectionprogramurl]

Thanks for hanging out with me! Was I cool? did you like me? What do you think of me in detail? Do you hate me?

[witnessprotectionprogramurl]

Funniest (fantasy) way to find out you're trans I think. Assigned male by ancient prophecy

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[witnessprotectionprogramurl]

my mythology pet peeve is when someone describes a scenario in which they keep nearly getting something and then having it snatched away, and everyone's like "one must imagine sisyphus" no!!! one must imagine TANTALUS!!! sisyphus = being made to perform a pointless, aggravating task over and over without ever making any progress. tantalus = being offered a glorious reward only for it to vanish as soon as you reach for it. they are NOT the same