#because everyone should have the right to just mindlessly scroll through tumblr every once in a while

[witnessprotectionprogramurl]

"you have to reblog this post even if it doesnt match the theme of your blog" my brother in christ no i don't. i do have to murder you though. because of your guilt tripping. you understand, right?

[volleyball-dontknowher]

Everyone else + One direction songs as boyfriends

Okay so this is a part 2 to literally the second work I had posted to tumblr and that’s linked right below here (you’re welcome, I scrolled through 440 posts to find it) 

Karasuno Boys as boyfriends based on One Direction songs 

It is super cute and it includes

Oikawa, Iwa, Bokuto, Akaashi, Kuroo, Kenma, Ushijima and Tendou 

Oikawa

One Thing

This is one of my favorite songs and it fits oikawa so well because he is so confident in himself and he knows how hot he is and expects people to fall for him so when he fell head over heels with you he was so shocked and it was all that he could think of over and over. He started by doing that asshole smirk and flirting that got him all of the girls but you were different and he worked so hard to get you like he could not let you reject him. (Not in a creepy way like you definitely have the choice to but he knows that his typical douchy ways deserve to be rejected and you are too good for that anyway so he needs to do something better) Turns out he does and asks you out in the cutest way with a rose and some really cute compliments and he is so blush and shy that he stutters through it but that’s totally okay because you say yes. He is totally obsessed with you like he is always checking in on you and trying to make himself better for you but still snaps on accident and stuff because he isn’t used to being actually vulnerable with people and he knows that won’t get away with you. Every time he sees you his eyes light up and he will say something sarcastic but then pull you into the sweetest heart filling hug ever that really shows you how much he loves you even though outsiders really might not see it.

Iwa

What Makes you beautiful

Iwa was so sick of telling girls that he did’nt know where Oikawa had gone that he automatically dismissed you when you approached him but when you said that you needed to give the paper to him he was so shocked that he had been so rude and had to take a step back, even worse you were absolutely gorgeous but so shy. He is the boyfriend that is really nervous to do things because he doesn’t know girls but he knows girls way better than he thinks because when he texts oikawa and he gets a dumb answer from him he knows but himself that it is a dumb answer and that he should not try and carry you places because you wouldnt like that. You take turns planning dates and choosing where to go but it is never an argument and he is a total gentleman like classic gentlemen, the whole opening doors for you, meeting your parents first and everything like he cares so much about what you think about him because he just thinks you’re amazing and he just finds himself looking at you and just high five-ing himself mentally. He dishes out his fare share of sarcasm but always with love like you’ll ask if he wants to hangout later and he tells you no, like flat out no and of course you get sad about it all until you realize that he wants to hangout now and literally was walking the way back to your house with you and you didn’t realize because you were sniffling and being dramatic.

Kuroo

Live while we’re young

Kuroo is such a worry wart like he wants you to be happy all the time and whenever he messes up he doesn’t know what to do like he is just so obsessed with you. He comes with his own warning label because he is going to be absolutely wild. He tells you that he has an idea and twenty minutes later you two are going cliff diving or going three towns over to try some new restaurant. He is the one for you. Everything seems spontaneous with him but he really wants to just surprise you because he loves your smile and how you get so shocked, secretly he looks for things to go take you to do that you haven’t done before because he likes being the person with yo for all of these firsts in your life and he hopes one day he can be that person forever. He would literally never put this much effort into things if he didn’t love you with his whole entire heart and whenever you are out on these dates or going somewhere he always does the cliche thing where he looks down at you and is like “hey, I love you, you know that right?”. The smile when you get when you go out together is the smile he secretly gets when he thinks about you. He also gets really sappy and sentimental but would never let you know that.

Kenma

Night Changes

🥺 This one makes me a little emotional because I see the two of you dating after being friends for a while first like he just one day sees you in a different light and just can’t help but ask you out on the spot and little does he know you’ve liked him forever. It was such a spur of the moment thing but he couldn’t imagine anything else and just the idea of things changing so quickly and you dating someone else just made him blurt it out. It’s a nervous relationship for the both of you because you haven’t dated very many people yet and you want things to be ‘right’ like they are in all of the shows and stuff but your relationship is different. It’s less big surprises and actions and more listening and nights in and small things together. Kenma shows his love in so many different ways that are so uniquely him, he likes to bring you with him places, or have you by his side and even asking if you need anything like he does little things for you or sees things and thinks of you in public and sends them to you. It’s nothing huge but he makes sure to make you smile and that you know he’s thinking about you at least everyday. It takes forever to tell each other that you love them but when it finally happened it was just right like no other word but right. He changes his phone background to a dumb picture of you and just adores you so much like you get to see his little smile more than anyone else ever.

Bokuto  

One Way or Another

Boy if this isn’t the two of you I don’t have any idea what it would be. The two of you are chaotic and fun with each other and are always supporting each other but he also does weird shit too like the first time he comes over he definitely walks by like four times to make sure it is actually your house (he has picked you up from here before and knows it is your house but he still is nervous okay). Once the two of you are dating more he gets so clingy that he will pull a Twilight and crawl through your window just to sleep next to you and then he will parkour jump out the window in the morning so the two of you don’t get caught. He is also really really loud when he introduces you as his girlfriend because he is so happy and excited that he could just scream it to the world in fact he has just screamed it to the world before because he just is so excited and loves you. He always finds a way to make things work, one way or another, like when he starts training more for nationals he comes and sees you wayyyy early in the morning or will carry your bag for you between classes because he wants to show you that he cares every single day. He’s forgetful but he tries really really hard so you can’t even get mad at him for forgetting things like anniversaries because he treats you like everyday is special together.

Akaashi

Drag Me Down

Akaashi has always been so level headed but talking to you like he has no thoughts in his head and he hates it. YOu are just so perfect and he tells you all of the things he loves about you in such little ways like you’ll be doing things and he will just randomly compliment something about you, he is so good about knowing what you’re insecure about and literally complimenting it away like you have no idea how but you’ll be nervous about wearing a crop top or something and he sees you and immediately just tells you how beautiful you look in it. And when you do the same to him he always tells you something dumb like “i know” but really does take all of your compliments to heart and just thinks about I forever like you really called him pretty and told him that his eyes were beautiful like he gets so happy like no one ever compliments him He is so caring and listens to every single word you say and always knows how to make you feel better even if you don’t like he’s learned that when you’re so stressed you end up crying you need a snack, a walk and then to go to bed and it always helps so much. He is your rock and you are his like you two are so strong and as long as you have each other no one can drag you down.

Ushijima

They don’t know about us

DUDE this is 100000% your sons because like the two of you just have such an unexpected relationship and everyone just makes assumptions about it and things about your relationship but they have no idea how sweet his is behind closed doors and how he never forgets anniversaries or anything and knows you better than you know yourself. But what is super annoying is when people tell you that he is more into volleyball than you and that you are going to just hold his career back and you can’t even understand why because those are two separate things and he wants to do it forever. In public he is typical Toshi but that’s who you fell in love with so that’s okay. But as your relationship gets stronger he slowly starts showing more affection but like how he has seen in movies so first it is holding your hand, then kissing the back of it as you walk and you have to tell him that it’s sweet but he is perfect the way he is and he doesn’t need to change or be someone he’s not. Besides he is a big touch deprived baby and he is super affectionate when you’re alone like kisses and cuddles and just constantly has some part of him touching some part of you like it could just be your legs laying over his lap as you watch something but it is something and he finds himself mindlessly doing the same.

Tendou

Best song ever

Tendou is such a happy go lucky guy and the most positive boyfriend ever like he sees you one day in the hall and just was like “yep, she’s the one” and no one believed him and he was actually serious. He asked you out without even getting to know you first at all and saying yes was the best thing ever. He is the let's go get McDonald’s and ride in circles kind of boyfriend where dates are so frequent and most people don’t call them dates but it is so fun just being with you too. He always surprises you and dresses nice and takes you out somewhere nice for anniversaries and holidays and stuff but that’s not who you fell in love with. You fell in love with the dork who takes you to Walmart with him to get things to try and home make some crazy recipe he found on the internet. Or you two just laying together watching TikTok with each other just laying around together, when you two hangout you have more fun with no plans. But do not get me wrong he is going to show you he cares and makes sure you feel his and he surprises you a lot and stuff but he doesn’t care about the superficial things. He buys you both so much food but he doesn’t count that as actually getting you things, he gets the most thoughtful and kind gifts ever like he will keep secrets from you for weeks so he can get it right.

[reservethesun]

Hey all!! So @blievable had a prompt for me for PhunNoh with 99. “I fell in love with you, not them.” Tumblr decided to be a jerk and eat the ask, though. So here we go with a post about it. You can read the fill over on AO3. Or below the cut.

WC: 2606

Phun sighed softly as he tapped his pencil against his notebook. He was struggling to maintain his focus, but he needed to get the assignment done. It was why he was sitting there by himself in the library instead of spending time with Noh. He’d put off the assignment too many times - if anyone asked, it was not because his boyfriend was cute and distracting and he maybe forgot about the assignment until one of his classmates texted and asked for his help on one of the questions - and he was out of time. It was due in the morning. If it wasn’t for that fact, Phun would have finished part of the assignment and then gone to meet up with Noh and the others.

Maybe he still would. He could throw together the last couple of answers before he turned it in the next morning. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d doen as much. And, honestly, he would much rather be spending time with Noh and their friends than he would be stuck there in the library. Phun pulled out his cell phone to message Noh, mentioning that he might duck out early. Noh disagreed with the suggestion, insisting that he should get it finished so that he wouldn’t be stressing about it and wouldn’t have to get up early in the morning. Both of which were valid reasons to stay, but they made Phun pout anyway. Especially when Noh stated that he would miss him but would see him at home later. Phun reluctantly agreed and then put his phone away so that he could attempt to focus on his assignment again.

It took a lot longer to complete than he’d intended it to, but when he finished, Phun gathered all of his things and made his way back to the apartment he and Noh rented together. He was sure that Noh was still out with friends, but by that point, Phun no longer felt up to dealing with a bunch of people. So, he just went home and took a shower before laying out on the couch to scroll through his Facebook mindlessly until he heard the door for the apartment open. It made him lift his head to look - even though it could honestly only be one person. He smiled when he saw Noh.

Noh seemed tired. Most of his hair was pulled up into a ponytail at the top of his head, though some strands still fell into his face. He looked very much like someone whose social capability had been completely drained by spending too much time with too many people. Phun knew that Noh sometimes got like that, preferring smaller groups or shorter time together. Especially when he was already stressing out from school. “Why didn’t you tell me you’d left the library?” Noh asked as he hurried to slip off his shoes. He then went over to the couch and climbed onto it, draping himself over Phun and ignoring the groans and complaints he received in response. “Don’t be rude. I’m not that heavy.” Noh mumbled his comment against Phun’s shoulder, closing his eyes as he pressed his face there near the crook of his neck. His smile was hidden there when he felt Phun’s hand run up and down his back in a soothing, repeated manner. “We had dinner already. I hope you didn’t wait.”

Phun shook his head despite the fact that he hadn’t stopped to grab dinner. Honestly, he hadn’t thought about it. He’d gotten too focused on his homework and just getting home to really consider stopping. “Did you have fun?” he asked in response. He felt Noh nod in answer, which made him smile as he shifted his hold on Noh, moving him to where they would both be in a more comfortable position. “I’m glad.”

He honestly liked when Noh would spend time with his friends. He had found some people to connect with in the music department that he could talk to about things that Phun didn’t fully understand. Phun was always supportive of Noh spending time with his friends and being his own person outside of their relationship. He knew that Noh felt the same way about Phun and his friends. He never minded when Noh would choose to spend time with his friends, and he understood that sometimes it was just a necessary thing. Phun knew that sometimes they’d go out to this bar near campus and hang out. It didn’t bother him.

In theory.

Or maybe it was more that it hadn’t bothered him until he joined Noh and his friends one night a few days later and realized just what them going there fully entailed. He had known that Noh and his friends went there to participate in an open mic night that the bar had, having fun performing and just being there. Phun had always been proud of Noh and of him feeling confident enough to participate. Phun had shown up several times but they’d always left almost immediately afterward, never really hanging around. Because of that, he hadn’t quite realized just how popular Noh and his friends seemed to be. Every few minutes, someone new was at the table the group of them were at. Noh and the others weren’t even performing that night, but they were there often enough that many people seemed to recognize them anyway.

Noh was kind, as he always was - because of course he was. Phun didn’t expect anything less. He had loved Noh too long to not know what he was like and how he always tried to make everyone around him happy. Even if it meant playing nice with someone he might not actually want anything to do with, like the girls and boys that would come over and flirt with him. When Noh even realized that the other person was flirting, he’d get a shy smile on his face and get all flustered. It was cute. Phun liked seeing that look on Noh’s face.

What he didn’t like was that it wasn’t him being the person putting that look on Noh’s face. 

Noh would lean into his side a little when he started to get shy, but it went mostly overlooked by the newest guy that had stopped by the table to talk with Noh and his friends. The guy was careful with it, chatting up everyone before he actually started flirting. He leaned in closer to Noh to say something over the music and Phun frowned, downing the rest of his drink before setting his glass on the table. Phun knew that Noh wasn’t going to do anything with the guy. He trusted Noh completely. They’d been together far too long for him to not.

Still, something about the easy way that the guy talked with Noh, the way they laughed over whatever it was that had been said - probably related to music because that seemed to be everyone’s ticket into Noh’s life. This guy had a different level of charm to him that felt a little too real for Phun to handle. He could feel an anxiousness build up in his chest that mixed with irritation and annoyance. There was also a familiar burn low in his belly that he likened with something akin to jealousy. It wasn’t a feeling he handled well ever, and he wasn’t entirely sure why it was building up then. He knew that there wasn’t anything between Noh and this guy that was leaning far too close to Noh’s side for Phun to be comfortable. He knew that, and he knew that Noh had no interest in the guy. Still, it didn’t stop the mix of emotions he was struggling with and he really didn’t like any of them. The other guy approached Noh with such an ease, a calm confidence that wasn’t weighed down in questioning or hesitation. It was something he’d never fully been able to do, was it? They’d started off on such a rocky note, neither one sure what was up or down. It hadn’t been easy for them. But they tried, and even that wasn’t without tension and anxieties of its own as they got older and found themselves facing new issues. It was difficult balancing academics and his relationship with Noh, and sometimes he felt like he was just trying really far too hard. It wasn’t simple like it seemed to be for that guy - who seemed to be a much better match for Noh than Phun felt sometimes.

The thought caused his throat to tighten uncomfortably. He really didn’t want to be there anymore. He needed to leave before he found himself caught up in those negative thoughts, before he let that anger he felt build to something that caused him to do something he would regret later. “Noh, I’m leaving,” Phun said suddenly. “I’ll see you later.” He didn’t really wait for a response as he got up and made his way outside. Once he was out on the sidewalk he took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair.

“What the hell was that?” asked Noh as he came outside after Phun, making Phun turn around to face him. “You’ve been quiet all night and now you’re just leaving?”

“I haven’t been quiet. You’ve been busy.” Noh stared at him and Phun sighed, running his fingers through his hair again. That had come out a lot more harsh than he had intended it to. Noh opened his mouth to say something, but then he closed it again as his brow furrowed. “I just want to go home. You should go back inside. Your… admirers are waiting on you.”

“Ai’Phun! Are you kidding me?” Noh laughed a little as he took a few steps closer to Phun. “Are you jealous right now?”

“No. I’m not jealous.” Phun sighed when Noh gave him a look that told him that his words weren’t believed. “I’m n- I mean, I that guy-”

“What guy?”

Phun’s expression was a mix of being unimpressed by the question with a little bit of annoyance at being interrupted and just his irritation with the whole situation. “If you’re not even going to listen to me…” Phun shook his head and he turned to head down the sidewalk to where he’d parked his car when he’d gotten there.

“Wait, don’t…” Noh quickly reached out and grabbed Phun’s wrist, keeping him from walking off. He gave a gentle tug on Phun’s arm until Phun turned around to look at him. “I’m sorry. You were trying to tell me something. I should’ve listened.” Noh hadn’t meant anything by it, honestly. If anything, he’d said it as a way to try to reiterate to Phun that any guy that he’d talked to inside the bar was either just a friend, or some nameless guy he wouldn’t remember in five minutes anyway. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing. It’s just. It’s ever easy for us, is it? Sometimes it’s a struggle to get this much, to stand here with you, but that guy can just come right up and act like it’s the easiest thing in the word. He can flirt and you smile and it sounds like he’s got a lot more common with you than I do. You could easily be with someone like that, someone that fits easier.” It was ridiculous and he felt ridiculous, and he knew it was stupid. But he couldn’t really stop that feeling that still lingered. He hated it. “And he just sits there all smug and confident and you let him and I just… I don’t like it. And you’re always here with your friends, and I want to support that but if every night is like this I ju- I don’t want to think about it..”

Noh stood there quietly as Phun said everything he had to say. It was… a lot. It was also a little ridiculous, if you were to ask Noh. At the same time, though, he was well aware that those fears and anxieties couldn’t always be quietened by logic. It was the first time that he could remember in a long time that he’d seen them reflected in Phun’s actions. Usually it was him with the doubts and worries and Phun would make them better. Sometimes he forgot that he wasn’t the only one that had gone into their relationship with no idea what he was doing. “You fit. You fit perfectly in my life. Better than some guy whose name I don’t even know.”

“Yeah, sure. That’s why-”

Noh once again interrupted Phun. He didn’t like the almost dismissive tone in Phun’s voice or the way it was clear that he was hiding the insecurities he’d just revealed behind that mask of annoyance. That time, however, Phun stopped speaking because Phun had reached up and taken his face in hand, one on each one of Phun’s cheeks to make Phun look at him again as he’d been in the process of rolling his eyes and looking away when Noh interrupted. “Stop that. You have nothing to be jealous about. Or annoyed. Or… any of it. I don’t care about how well you think someone that sat at the table for five minutes might be for me. I don’t want him. I don’t want any of them. I fell in love with you, not them.”

Phun seemed as though he was struggling against the urge to smile, but he was unable to keep himself from doing so completely. There was a small upturn of his lips that Noh noticed immediately. He spent far too long looking at Phun’s face to not notice the small changes. He could see a little of the tension seem to leave Phun’s stance. “Why?” It was a break in the tension, a small and lighthearted comment to try to turn the mood around from the lingering feelings of upset from the whole situation. It didn’t suddenly make things okay or make the feelings go away, but it made them easier to face and try to move past. 

At the question, Noh huffed a little and let go of Phun’s face, which made Phun chuckle with an amused smirk. “Now you’re fishing for compliments and here I was being honest. I should have- Whoa!” Noh laughed softly as he found himself ducking his head so that his lips were pressed against the top of Phun’s shoulder after Phun had suddenly pulled him close enough to hug him tightly. Noh seemed to hesitate for only a couple of seconds before he wrapped his arms around Phun’s shoulders loosely. Neither one of them said anything for several moments as they stood there, but eventually Noh lifted his head and he hugged Phun a little tighter as he said, “I don’t want to be here with anybody else but you. How could I? Right now, I love you.”

Noh smiled to himself when he heard Phun laugh at the familiar sounding phrase while he seemed to relax even more, practically melting into the hug in a way that usually Noh was known to do. His words were ones that brought back memories of a conversation in the music room back in their high school, of Phun wrapping his arms around Noh and hugging him from behind as they teased one another and joked around. Even then, there hadn’t been a whole lot in their relationship that was easy or simple.It wasn’t a story of boy meets boy in a bar and they lived happily ever after. But it was their story, and Noh preferred it anyway.

[let-it-raines]

Betting on the Bullseye (Ch. 17)

Summary: Emma Swan loses a bet that means she has to ask her celebrity crush to be her date to her office's annual fundraising gala. Killian Jones is that celebrity crush. She expects all kinds of humiliation and for her dignity to be completely lost. What she doesn't expect is for him to say yes.

Rating: Mature 

A/N: Happy Saturday! I hope you’re all having a great weekend! Maybe make someone’s day and do a kind gesture, whether that’s sending a kind messages or cleaning up the dishes after dinner :D

AO3: Beginning | Current

Tumblr: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 | Part 14 | Part 15 | Part 16 | Part 17 

Tag List: @nikkiemms @resident-of-storybrooke @wellhellotragic​ @bmbbcs4evr @onceuponaprincessworld @jennjenn615 @mayquita @captainsjedi @teamhook @skyewardolicitycloisdelena91 @artistic-writer @branlovesouat @dreadpirateemma @kmomof4 @ekr032-blog-blog @galaxyzxstark @lifeinahole27 @andiirivera @ultimiflos @hollyethecurious @thejollyroger-writer @superchocovian @cs-forlife @qualitycoffeethings @jonirobinson64

“Oh my God,” she giggles, absolutely despising the sound that’s coming out of her mouth with every harsh rub of her calf and massage of her foot. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. It’s just…I have weirdly sensitive feet.” “And this is exactly why I never take you out to do this,” Ruby sighs in the chair next to her while they get their feet massaged and their toes painted.

“Hey, at least I’m not making sex noises like Marg over there.”

“I am nearly eight months pregnant,” Mary Margaret protests, cradling her stomach with her hands while letting out the slightest moan as her foot is massaged. “I have swollen feet that hurt. This is like bliss.” “That’s what a lot of people say about sex.”

“Damn right,” Ruby agrees, making all of their technicians laugh. When she thinks about it too much, having people work on her feet while she has weird conversations with her friends is, well, weird, but it does feel so good after she gets used to her entire body tingling with the touches.

But one of Mary Margaret’s students gave her a gift card before they let out for summer break at the end of May, and she insisted on taking Emma and Ruby out after they finished with work since she still hadn’t used the card. Ruby hasn’t wanted to go a lot of places since she and Victor broke up, usually liking going to work and then simply going home, but she and Mary Margaret have made a conscious effort to make sure that Ruby gets out. Ruby has absolutely known what they’re doing, and while at first she would get kind of pissed at them, as the weeks have passed, she’s gotten back to being herself.

It probably helps that they let her have an entire night to bash Victor and the fact that he had stopped making time for Ruby, picking up extra unnecessary shifts just so that he didn’t have to come home, and spending more time with his coworkers than Ruby to the point where they basically weren’t seeing each other at all. It was an asshole move, and while she’s never been Vic’s greatest fan, she was such a big fan of how good they were for each other.

Until they weren’t.

If he’s going to be an asshole and not put an effort into the relationship then Ruby deserves so much better. She just does.

Emma hates that she hasn’t been around to help as much as she should have. She really does. Ruby didn’t tell her that they were having issues, didn’t talk about it at lunch, didn’t call and ask to hang out on the weekends when Emma was in town, and the guilt nags at her for not being the best friend for Ruby. She doesn’t abandon people, not when they’ve been so good to her for all of these years, and even though she knows Ruby would tell her that it’s not necessary, she kind of feels like she’s trying to make up for lost time.

Ruby and Mary Margaret have been there for her for the past decade, and she will always be there for them. No question.

Even if that means dying a little inside while getting her toes painted.

“So does our new little friend have a name yet?” she asks to change the subject while pulling her hair up into a messy bun on the top of her head, sure that there’s some weird loops in there since she didn’t use a mirror. “Or are you guys keeping that a secret again?”

“I’m kind of leaning toward Brody,” Mary Margaret tells her, which is not what she was expecting. She was fully expecting to have to wait until the kid was born to know his name. “David likes George, but I don’t know…that just seems – ”

“Like it’s only cute for babies or old men?”

“Exactly. It’s like you have to think of names that work for when they’re babies, when they’re old, and when they’re middle aged. Like, no one wants to walk around talking to a fifty-year-old woman named Bunny.”

“Okay, but Bunny doesn’t work. Ever.”

“It does if you’re a stripper. You could wear a little cotton ball on your – ”

“Rubes,” she laughs, sticking her hand over to Ruby’s seat and squeezing around her palm, “there are some things that should just never be said out loud.”

She shrugs, the brightest smile on her face that makes Emma’s lips tug up in the corners until she’s smiling as well. She’s happy. That’s all Emma wants for Ruby. “I’m just saying. It’d be a great little get up. I bet you could do, like, specials for the spring time and make a lot of extra money.”

“Anyways,” Mary Margaret says as the blush rises on her cheeks, “so I’m thinking Brody William Nolan. It’s solid, not too weird, and I don’t think it’ll make anybody make fun of him when he gets older.”

“That’s the most important thing. Kids are cruel.”

“They make fun of you but in an accurate away.”

“Amen.”

Walking out of the nail salon in those awful flip flips, the three of them make their way down the sidewalk of the shopping center, real shoes in their hands, and let the warm mid-July sun beat down on them as they make their way to the café that’s down the street. It’s already pretty crowded, the dinner rush filling the tables, and she lets Mary Margaret and Ruby settle down at a table outside while she goes in and get their orders, grabbing the buzzer that always scares the crap out of her when it loudly goes off on the table.

Every. Damn. Time.

If their paninis weren’t so good, she’d really question her choices of coming here so often. They all practically inhale their food, even going back inside to get dessert for Mary Margaret, and with the sun setting over all of the surrounding buildings, the sky a blurred swirl of deep orange and light blue, she revels in how good of a time that this has been. If it wasn’t so damn expensive to eat out all of the time, they’d definitely do this more often instead of sitting at one of their apartments or at the Nolans’ house.

Or sadly eating cereal alone in her apartment.

And she is getting better at cooking, she swears. She’s been making the effort to eat out less and cook more. She bought a cook book and everything once she finished learning to make all of the recipes Killian left for her.

Her life is going in directions she never thought it would, and her buying cook books is definitely just one of those things even if it’s normal to literally everyone else.

Her grilled cheese recipe has really improved.

It’s a nice summer evening though, one of those where you really just want to be at a baseball game eating junk food with your feet propped up on the seat in front of you while you get horrible tan lines from your shoes and your shorts. She thinks she’s gone to more games in the past few months than she has in her entire life, but then again, so has all of Boston because they just won the World Series last year.

That had been a good time.

This is nice even if it’s not a game, maybe even better than the game, and by the time she loads up in her car to go home, she can feel a slight heat on her cheeks despite the sunscreen that’s built into her foundation.

After she’s showered, washing off the sweat and the day, she changes into her pajamas and settles down onto her couch with her laptop ready to spend the next few hours mindlessly scrolling through Twitter and Pinterest, doing anything to just not have to think for the rest of the evening. Sometimes she just needs to be able to decompress, to let herself relax and rest so she can finish out the last two days of the week.

The air conditioner had broken in her office today, and she thought she was absolutely going to die from sweat. It was awful. Absolutely awful.

She never would have made it before air conditioning.

A message pops up on her computer screen, Killian’s name scrolling across the top, and she clicks on it. It’s a picture of him staring intently into the screen followed by one of him with a goofy grin on his face next to his name on a door. He’s doing the press junket for Highland Waters right now. He’d spent last week in LA doing all of the talk shows that are based out there, and he’s just flown to New York to do more press on this coast. Yesterday there’d been a question asked about her on James Cordon (the late late late show, maybe? How many lates are in the name? All she can think of right now is Carpool Karaoke and how she would never be able to focus with Paul McCartney in the passenger seat), which was weird enough as it is, but it was weirder that Killian was almost communicating with her through the television screen since they hadn’t had much time to talk. “So how does your girlfriend feel about the love scenes you have in this show?” “Who says that one,” Killian begins, his jaw ticking in the way that she knows that it does when he’s trying to keep a straight face when irritated, “I have a girlfriend, and two, that I have love scenes in the show? This is all classified information.” “Oh come on, mate. As one handsome British man to another, we both know that the ladies love us.” “I believe it’s the accent.” “I believe it’s our smoking bodies.” Killian chuckles at the bad joke, and she can tell it’s genuine even if it’s a bit awkward. The joke was a bit awkward. “But seriously. I’ve been told I can’t let you off this stage unless you talk about your girlfriend, these sex scenes, or if you sing acapella while hopping on one foot.” “Well okay then,” Killian begins, standing up and jumping on one foot while the audience cheers and she laughs until he sits back down on the couch with a smile on his face. “Yes, there are some intimate scenes in the show.” The crowd wolf whistles, and she can practically feel how hot Killian’s face is through the screen. She can definitely see how red the tips of his ears are, especially since he just got his hair trimmed again. “And while I’m sure my girlfriend doesn’t love them, she understands that this is simply my job. She’s my real life.”

She shakes her head back and forth, wishing that she could talk to him through the screen even though she knows that this was filmed hours ago. God, he’s ridiculous, but he makes a good point. She’s not exactly thrilled about some of the scenes she’s seen previews to, but he’s acting. That’s all. It’s not real. “Aww, look at that, he’s a romantic in real life too.” The crowd really does “aw” and she wonders how the hell Killian does this without melting into the couch out of embarrassment. She hasn’t seen him in nearly two weeks, and while she absolutely misses him like something mad, this is weirdly helping. “So if I can prod you a little more about your life…I know you’re pretty private, but we asked Twitter to send us some questions for you and we picked out our favorites.” “Oh boy,” Killian laughs, bouncing on the couch and scratching behind his ear. “Hit me with your best shot, James.” “@Solangeisanorange wants to know if the hair on your face is incapable of being shaved off or if you have it insured for millions of dollars?” “Is that even possible? Can I do that? Because I will. It seems like an easy way to make some money, and then I’d never have to work again. But no, the hair on my face can be shaved off. I clean it up every few days, but I won’t shave it off. I like it this way.” “What about one of those long beards? Ever thought about one of those?” “God, no. Can you imagine the maintenance?” Killian laughs, reaching down and taking a sip of the water in his mug. “And I’m far too much of a neat freak for that.” “Hear that, ladies,” James begins, “he’s a freak.” Killian waggles his eyebrows before James speaks again. “Okay, so @Superior_woman has a question that says: Will you marry me?” “Only if you buy me a bloody fantastic engagement ring.”

“So it’s all about the jewels?”

“Family and otherwise, aye.”

“Oh my God,” she groans to herself, covering her face with her hands and peeking through her fingers. “That was so bad.”

“Alright, alright, alright then. Well, we’ll do two more. Honestly, Twitter, I know it was short notice, but you’ve really got to get more creative in your questions. You can ask Killian Jones anything you want, and you’re asking him if he has any nicknames. Come on, @HannahBG. You should know better.”

“It’s a valid question,” Killian answers, most likely relieved that he can answer something normal. “Um, well, I don’t really think so. My girlfriend calls me KJ and arsehole a lot. Those two are pretty interchangeable in her eyes.” The entire room laughs while she mutters “asshole” under her breath. Oh shit. She really does do that. “But I think KJ is probably about it. My nephew does call me something that resembles Killy, though, but I think that’s simply because he can’t say my name. He’s only got a few words down.”

“So I have to ask, and this isn’t for myself, I promise. It really is for the audience. How did you meet this girlfriend of yours? Because lack of creativity in nicknames aside, she sounds great. And I’ve heard it’s quite an interesting story.”

“Ahh,” Killian sighs, clicking his tongue, “so I think it’s pretty public how we met. She actually…she lost a bet with her best friend who really likes to mess with her. So the friend made Emma record a video asking me on a date to a charity gala for her work with The Children’s Shelter, which is a really great organization that I love to support. But we hit it off, I guess, on the first night, and while we didn’t immediately get together, she doesn’t have to ask me out through Youtube anymore.”

“So you’re saying that all anyone has to do to go on a date with you is ask you out on Youtube?”

“No. That’s all she had to do. No one else gets to ask me out on dates through the internet. I’m not doing that anymore.”

She scrolls back up to look at the pictures he just sent, noticing the way he needs to button down his collar but figuring he undid that after he filmed Fallon this afternoon.

Emma: Hot stuff right there. Hope you’re having fun!

She goes back to scrolling through Pinterest, getting into a deep rabbit hole of how to do a double dutch braid and absolutely failing time and time again until she gives up and twists her hair into a regular braid that falls over her shoulders.

Damn, her arms hurt after having them lifted in the air for that long. Is that pathetic?

Killian: I am, love. Exhausted. Isabelle and I are going to be on GMA tomorrow and then do a few others together. Then Friday I’m back to doing solo interviews.

Killian: There’s a lot of fake smiling.

Killian: I think my mouth may be stuck this way.

Emma: Well, I have absolutely no use for you if you can’t use your mouth.

Killian: Rude and totally untrue.

Killian: I’m about to go to bed. Can I call you during your lunch break tomorrow?

Emma: Sure. No guarantees that I’ll answer, though.

Killian: Love you, Swan. xx

Emma: Love you too. xx

She was completely joking when she said there were no guarantees she would answer. She fully intended to answer, to talk to him, but she missed his call. And then he missed hers. And it was like a revolving door of calls.

Phone tag. That’s the name for it. It’s phone tag. They’re playing phone tag.

And it’s definitely not the first time they’ve done it. It happens a lot. He calls, and she doesn’t answer. She calls, and he doesn’t answer. Her voicemail gets filled with messages full of the same kind of “I’m sorry I missed you. Call me when you can, love” messages nearly every time. She’s never been in a long-distance relationship, never been in a relationship this committed on both sides, and she doesn’t know what she was expecting, but she doesn’t think it was this.

Mostly, she thinks that they do a good job, that they do make time for each other. She knows that she gets to see Killian a lot more often most people in her situation do simply because he doesn’t work a normal job and has the means to fly to her pretty often. The tickets aren’t exactly cheap, at least for her, and despite her not really wanting to, she has let him pay for her last few simply so that he’s not spending all of his time in Boston.

They miss so much of each other’s lives, of their families’ lives, and it’s so damn hard that she just wants to cry sometimes.

She does cry. A lot. Like, probably more than she ever has before. And while she still sometimes struggles with showing emotions, with having emotions, she knows that crying doesn’t make her weak, that being vulnerable isn’t a bad thing. It’s actually a really good thing, and she cries because she’s allowed herself to be vulnerable to someone else, allowed herself to want to be vulnerable to someone else, and sometimes she just fucking misses him.

Like right now.

She misses him a lot right now and wishes that he could be finished in New York and be on his way here today instead of on Saturday.

But he can’t. He has to work, she has to work, and after not seeing each other for several weeks, she’s honestly just glad that he’s going to be here at all.

It’s a vicious cycle, but they’re handling it. They’re handling it because they have to. They’re handling it because they want to.

She just wishes she didn’t have to miss so many things.

The rest of her day inches by slowly despite how busy it is, another quarter ending next week meaning that she’s got to start prepping the financials for the donations so they can be renewed. It’s always hell, and someone from accounting should really do it, but she’s always the one who does it for some reason. It’s honestly a miracle they haven’t been audited simply because she knows that she screws up a lot.

Hopefully accounting does review her documents after she turns them in.

She skips the gym, calling Killian instead, and by some miracle, he actually answers, even if it’s only for a few minutes before he has to run off to dinner with Isabelle and Robin. It’s nice, though, just to get to talk to him for a little while, and she’s not going to complain when she’ll see him in just over a day.

Just one more day.

-/-

“Bloody fuck,” Killian mutters as her front door opens and he stumbles inside, shaking out his foot and rolling his suitcase behind him. He looks up at her and grimaces, though she thinks it might honestly be an attempt at a smile. “Hello, darling. I promise I’m excited to see you, but I’ve stubbed my toe and it hurts like hell.”

“The great Killian Jones,” she monotones, rolling her eyes and getting up from the couch to close the door behind him, her heart beating wildly in her chest simply because he’s here, “is brought down by what I assume were the front steps outside.”

“You assume right,” he grits, reaching down and pulling off his sneaker before massaging his toe.

“I’m sorry, babe,” she sighs, standing in front of him and pushing his hat off of his head so that she can glide her lips over his and feel the soft warmth that she’s been craving for so long. “That happens every now and then, and it hurts every time. I don’t know why, but it does.”

“Believe it or not, but I think I’ll survive.” He places his hands on her hips and tugs her closer so that she has to tighten her arms around his neck. “Hi, Swan. I am so glad to be back here.”

Her breath hitches, the intensity of his gaze taking her back a bit, but she adjusts, letting her lips form a smile. Why wouldn’t she? She’s so damn happy that he’s here. “I’m glad you’re here too. It’s not quite the same watching you fumble in interviews.” She can feel the gentle slap on her hip, and it makes her chuckle under her breath almost as much as the way Killian’s staring at her with his lips parted, offense clear in his features. “I absolutely aced those interviews. Probably my best set of promotions yet.”

“You had a pie thrown in your face on Thursday because Isabelle knew more about your character than you did.”

“I didn’t remember his father’s name, which isn’t my fault because that’s honestly more in Isabelle’s script than mine, and it’s been a long time since I even filmed the brief scene where he was mentioned.”

“Mhm, sure. But you did do a great job describing Ezra’s journey without giving too much away. I was impressed by that.”

He dips his head and quickly captures her lips again, and she loses all of the breath in her lungs from the way it surprises her. She should have been expecting that, but she wasn’t. He’s got to stop literally taking her breath away because she’ll suffocate. And that won’t be romantic.

“I’ve gotten very good at not telling the truth without actually lying.”

“I feel like that is the absolute last thing that you want to be saying to your girlfriend.”

“Probably, but according to the last two weeks of my life, I’m very swoon-worthy. I can get away with things like that.

“Yeah, that’s definitely not how that works.”

She presses up on her toes again, capturing his lips with hers and tilting her head to deepen the kiss. He tastes like that mint tea that he likes and she hates because of the weird smell, but she can’t say that she minds the taste right now, especially with the way his tongue moves over hers in a warm slide that makes her spine tingle more than the pedicure did the other day.

Making out with her boyfriend is obviously much better than getting a pedicure.

“So, like,” she giggles, a smile breaking out across her face while Killian continues to chase her lips, “you know, I just did laundry this morning. I washed my sheets and everything, so they’re really soft. I even bought some new pillow covers the other day.”

“This is quite the roundabout way to ask me to fuck you.”

“Who said anything about that? I just want you to see my new pillow covers.”

-/-

The world hazily comes back to her as she wakes up, the only light stemming from the brightness of Killian’s laptop as his fingers tap away, the keys clicking with each movement.

“What are you doing?” she mumbles, rubbing her fists into her eyes and flopping over onto her stomach so she can wrap her arms around her pillow and nuzzle into it more. “More importantly, why the hell are you awake this early?”

“Woke up to use the restroom and couldn’t go back to sleep. I figured I’d pay some bills and answer some emails. I’m reading through a few scripts.”

She props herself up on her elbows and reaches over to grab Killian’s wrist, looking at his watch that he didn’t take off last night and being shocked that it’s not even two in the morning until she remembers that Killian is three hours behind. Still, waking up before five on a Monday morning is not exactly what she would call pleasant.

“Babe, go back to sleep.”

“Not tired,” he mutters, still typing away. “But you should go back to sleep, love. You have work in a few hours.”

“Turn off the laptop, and I will.”

“Just a few more minutes.”

It’s not a few more minutes. It’s for the next hour, and she eventually gets up and goes into her bathroom, taking a cold shower even though she absolutely hates the way the water feels on her skin. She’s tired, though, wishes that she could have gone back to sleep, but she couldn’t. And she can’t get any of that time back no matter how much she wants to.

Work today is going to be a hell.

By the time she leaves the bathroom, her makeup applied and hair dried, the sun is peeking through her windows and Killian is nowhere to be seen, his laptop closed and resting in the middle of the mattress. She can’t help but shake her head. She’s honestly a little pissed at him, even if she has no real reason to be, but she’s tired and irritated and Killian may get some of the blame for that for the way his typing made enough noise to wake her up and keep her up.

She needs coffee. She just needs some kind of caffeine and maybe to take a nap on the couch in Ruby’s office. That sounds like the dream.

She quickly grabs a dress out of her closet, throwing it on and letting the skirt hit just above her knees before she finds the sandals that match. They’re practically falling apart, the straps buckling, and she really needs to get some new shoes.

These were good shoes.

She buckles them and walks out of her bedroom only to immediately smell coffee. God bless Killian Jones because he may have pissed her off this morning by inadvertently waking her up, but at least he’s smart enough to make her coffee.

“Figured you might need this,” he tells her as he hands her swan mug. “What do you want for breakfast?”

“I was just going to eat cereal.” She shrugs, taking a long sip of her coffee and sighing a bit even though she knows the caffeine will take awhile to kick in. “And you’re probably so tired that you are a liability when it comes to the stove anyways.” “I can make you an omelet, Swan. I’m not going to burn your apartment down.” “I don’t care. Just make what you want.” She waves her hand at him goes back to drinking her coffee and opening up her phone to check any of the messages she missed throughout the night. There’s not really anything, but she’s honestly just trying to wake up.

Killian slides her a plate with an omelet on it, nudging it in front of her phone, and she puts it down before looking up at him. How much time passed without her even realizing it?

“Thank you. It smells good.”

“No problem.” He takes a bite of his own, wiggling his fork around before popping it in his mouth. “I’m sorry that I woke you up. I should have gone in the living room, but you’re such a deep sleeper…I didn’t even think about it.”

“Killian,” she sighs, sitting up in her stool as she cuts up some of her food, “it’s fine. Yeah, I’m tired, and yeah, I wish I hadn’t woken up when I did. But honestly, it’s not a big deal. I sleep through the cars blaring their horns outside, so it’s weird that your typing woke me up. Why do you have so much stuff to do anyways?”

“I’ve basically worked for two weeks and spent the past two days with you. I haven’t had the time. Figured I’d get it all out of the way. I was reading this bloody brilliant script, though. It’s, well, it’s about this man who’s lost his wife and is going through the grieving process while also raising his young son. I don’t know, love. It’s just…I know it’s been done before, but this one is different.” “Yeah?”

“Absolutely. Brilliant, I tell you. They’re filming next spring if they get all of the contracts and such down. I obviously don’t have the role, but I need to set up a meeting with the producers.” “That’s fantastic,” she promises him, taking another bite of her food. “I bet you’ll get it, especially if they’re already interested in you.” “I mean,” he starts, reaching up and scratching behind his ear while his tongue clicks, “maybe. I hope so.”

She doesn’t want to ask, but she has to. “Do you know where they’re filming?”

“Canada, I believe. Rob didn’t have the city or anything, but I think that’s where it’s projected.”

She lets out a little sigh of relief, holding her mug up above her lips so that she doesn’t look too relieved. She feels selfish wanting to keep him here when she could never ask him to give up his job for her. He’s already done it once, and as much as that made her heart swell, made something inside of her twist at realizing just how much he loves her, she can’t let him do it again. She just can’t. He’s already so excited for this role, and all she wants is for him to get it.

They can figure out them when the time comes.

Maybe she can go to Canada. She’s always wanted to go.

“Let me know when your audition meeting thing is. I can run lines with you.” “Love, you were absolutely horrendous the one time we tried that.” “Hey,” she protests, sticking her fork up at him as she chews on her eggs, “I was okay. Obviously acting is not my calling.”

He winks. “Maybe with a bit of practice, my love. Are we still on for lunch at your office?”

“Yep. But you’ve got to bring something since I probably have to work and talk. It’s like a mad dash for the next week.” “I believe I can do that.” “Bring coffee too.” “Obviously.”

Her head is heavy throughout the rest of her morning, the caffeine only helping to keep her functioning. She didn’t even lose that much sleep, but two hours can make such a difference when she didn’t get a lot of rest this weekend. Plus, it’s Monday, and sometimes they just suck, especially if you have a really good weekend.

She had a good weekend. She and Killian literally just stayed in her apartment and did nothing. Usually they like to go out and do something, but hoarding themselves away just…it’s what worked for them this time. Besides, he’s going to be here for a few more days. They have time to do whatever they want. It’s a nice luxury that they don’t always get, the weekend trips still continuing to be nothing but a tease, so it’s a nice thing to have a little more time than a jet lagged Saturday.

“What’s up, little bird?” Ruby asks as she steps into Emma’s office, sitting down in one of her chairs before kicking her heels off.

“Little bird? That’s a new one.”

“I was just texting Marg and called her little mama. Figured you needed to be called something different than little mama unless there’s something going on over there that you haven’t told me about. And if there is, I’m going to take away the coffee you were chugging away on this morning.”

She’s glad she just saved her file because she definitely just slammed down on her keyboard. “God no,” she sputters, heat rising in her cheeks that she just can’t stop, “that is not happening right now.” “What’s not happening, Swan?”

She looks up to see Killian standing in her doorway, takeout bags in hand, and a part of her really does wonder if sometimes she’s living in a movie or something with the timing that sometimes happens. Looking down at her computer, though, she does see that it’s exactly one, and she shouldn’t be surprised that Killian is on time.

Exactly on time.

“You haven’t knocked her up.”

“Rubes,” she groans, rolling her head back so that all of her hair falls off of her shoulders and down her back, “sometimes a filter is a good thing.” “I am simply commenting on the fact that you guys use safe sex practices, and I applaud you for them.”

“Ah, I feel like I’ve walked in on a rather odd conversation here.”

“It’s nothing, KJ.” She tries to calm the heat that’s still in her cheeks as she rolls her chair over to the other side of her desk. “Ruby is just being Ruby. I think she’s been cooped away in her office for too long. What’d you bring for lunch?”

“Coffee, as you requested, milady, and then I figured I’d indulge you and give you your favorite greasy foods as an extra apology for this morning.”

“Ooooh,” Ruby hums, “what happened this morning?”

“Well, you see,” she begins, trying to figure out the best way to mess with Ruby, “our sex was so rough this morning that it required more than just a condom as protection. There was also a helmet involved, maybe some knee pads, but none of it really helped when the kitchen cabinet opened and all of my pots and pans crashed down around me, banging me far worse than Killian was.”

“You almost had me going until you acted like you have a bunch of pots and pans because you don’t.” “Bloody hell, lass,” Killian sputters, walking into her office and shutting the door behind him before putting the food on her desk, “you believed any of that?”

“Emma’s not the most vocal about her sex life. She could be into some freaky stuff.”

“You’re so weird, Rubes,” She laughs, shaking her head as she rolls her chair back toward the desk. “You can share my – ” She peeks into the bag, pulling out a box of onion rings. “ – onion rings with me.” “I got some for Ruby too, love.” “Bless you,” Ruby groans, getting up from her chair and coming to stand next to them all the while she goes back to working as well as eating. “I knew there was a reason I liked you.”

“Because I bring you food?” “Exactly. You didn’t even know I was going to be here, and you brought me food. That is a good man.”

“You and Emma are kind of a packaged deal at work.” Ruby waves a fry in Killian’s face all the while Emma watches the two of them go back and forth with each other, a bright smile on her face that she can practically feel stretching into her eyes.

“And don’t you forget it, Jones.”

[sexxmacfarlane-blog]

Hungry Eyes, Starving Heart

A Seth MacFarlane Fan Fiction

Warnings: Cursing

A/N: Hey everyone! I decided to make a fan account because my personal was not meant for writing. Its just random posts that I reblog. I honestly had no idea Seth had this many fans on tumblr. I used to write Teen Wolf fan fiction about a year ago so I’m a bit rusty but please leave feedback and if you want more chapters. Right now its PG but smut is to come in later!

What do most students do their senior year of high school? Party and have fun. They stay busy planning their prom dates, saving for senior trip and enjoying their last year as a child. But me? I am busy trying to make sure I get into my dream college, University of California-San Diego. I want to major in biology and spend my life studying various diseases then ultimately finding a cure for them. In order to achieve this sort of feat I am literally pushing myself to limit. Obtaining every possible credit I can get my hands on and perfecting my only extra curricular activity, choir. I am up to my eyeballs in things I have to get completed and if it weren’t for my best friend I wouldn’t know what to do.

“Top of the morning love!” Nora’s voice chimed into my ear. I shook my head out of my day dream.

“Morning you. Did you bring me one of those?” I asked while eyeing the large coffee she had in her hand.

“This one is yours, I already downed mine. Wow you look like shit El. What’s wrong?” She sounded like a total mom.

“Thanks and I appreciate the compliment too. I didn’t sleep much last night. Was up late finishing my summer projects. I had so much I couldn’t finish everything in time. My dad made me go on vacation for 2 weeks and that took up a lot of valuable time.” I finished with a shrug.

“Elise you have always been the smartest girl in school. Your grades are fine. Why so much worry? Its our senior year! Let’s relax before we both go off to big bad college.” Nora said sweetly. She honestly means well but simply doesn’t understand.

“Nora you know I have to get into San Diego. Its my dream. I have to earn my keep, I just can’t waltz in! Now please quiz me.”

I handed her a deck of flash cards for English and had her quiz me on the definitions. She showed me each word and I stated the definitions with ease. We were almost done with the deck when something, or someone I should say caught my eye. Entering the cafeteria was a man I had never seen before. He carried a brief case and was wearing a teacher I.D. badge. I couldn’t stop myself from watching him as he went through the line and grabbed a quick meal. He thanked the cafeteria clerk with a bright warm smile. My lips automatically twitched into barely noticeable a grin. He was contagious.

“Earth to Elise, hello? You mean to tell me you can’t tell me the definition of personification after acing the college level vocabulary in the first half of the deck?” I could hear Nora but I wasn’t able to speak. The mysterious man had me completely entranced. Finally she noticed what I was staring at.

“Oh okay, I bet that’s the new English teacher, you know Mrs. Holloway is on maternity leave for the rest of the year right?” Nora asked.

“Yeah he must be, I have never seen that man before in my life. Wow I had no idea she wouldn’t be coming back?” I replied.

“Oh yeah she said 6 weeks wasn’t long enough and she wasn’t ready to leave her baby just yet. I doubt she will ever come back! So I guess you did most of this summer work for nothing.” Her tone was playful now, she found this funny.

“Well hopefully he will pick up where she left off. I want to stay above the game regardless. Was it just me or was he kinda cute ?” I asked. Nora snorted and almost choked on her spit.

“What? That old guy? He’s was like what 40? No way El. What’s wrong with you? He is old enough to be our dad for christ’s sake!” My face instantly turned red. Yeah she’s right I thought to myself, too old and I was crazy for thinking he was cute. Get a grip Elise.

“Never mind I mean from a distance he looked cute.” Nora nodded and just like that brushed the whole situation off. She was too busy scrolling through her phone to continue caring. I nibbled at the rest of my breakfast while reading a book. After what felt like an eternity the bell rang out to dismiss us to 1st period. I had AP physics and had no idea who my classmates were going to be. Nora was my only real friend and no offense she didn’t care about school as much as I did. And all of my classes were AP besides choir of course which was the only class I had with her. The first 4 classes went by slowly. They were spent handing out books and going over the syllabus. I was starving by the time lunch came around. Unfortunately Nora and I didn’t share the same lunch period either so here I was stuck defending for myself while trying to find a seat. The indoor cafeteria was absolutely full, the tables outside were also. I wandered the grounds until I found an empty picnic table by a tree. It was vacant thanks to its distance from the school. I didn’t mind though, I always left lunch early anyways to ensure I wouldn’t be tardy. I sat down with my tray and continued reading in my book since I was alone. I popped earbuds in to better concentrate on the words in front of me. Mindlessly munching down on a cheese burger I was startled by a tray dropping on the table. I quickly jumped up while yanking my headphones out.  

“Oh my apologies, I didn’t mean to startle you. I was just looking for a spot to eat, apparently this is the most crowded lunch period and  I noticed you had this whole table to yourself. Mind if I join you?” I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was the new teacher that I spotted from this morning. He was even more breath taking up close. His dark brown eyes that resembled coal earlier were now like honey in the sunlight, his smile was beautiful thanks to his spotless white teeth. His jet black hair was styled very casual in a sort of messy quiff. I noted then he was very tall too, especially compared to my short stature. I must have looked like an ant through his eyes. I struggled to find my words but eventually did.

“Oh of course pl…please sit. I was just really into my book and didn’t see you. No one ever bothers me when they see I have headphones in.”  I replied with a small smile.

“Thank you miss. I’m new here so I’m not too keen with all the rules. I’m Mr. MacFarlane by the way. You are?” He said while extending his hand out. I softly grabbed it as he shook softly.

“I’m Elise Goodman. You are the new English teacher correct?” I said curiously. I tried not to sound nervous. He was so gorgeous that it was becoming intimidating.

“Pleasure meeting you Ms. Goodman. And yes I’m Mrs. Holloways replacement. I must say I’m pretty nervous. I have been subbing at the college for quite sometime. High schoolers? That’s a whole new world.” His voice was beyond beautiful, it was deep and elegant. He sounded like someone who should talk on the radio or voice the previews in movie theaters. I was hanging onto every word that fell from his lips. He spoke about moving here from a neighboring town, he said most of the teachers here weren’t very welcoming. He claims because of his previous position but I think it’s because of his physical appearance. He looked like a model in comparison to the rest of the staff. Most of the teachers here were either old or super nerdy. His profession didn’t fit his appearance at all.

“Richard Dawkins? Really?” He asked while pointing down to my book.

“Uh yeah I am kind of a biology freak. Mr. Dawkins is my hero.” I said with a blush. He noticed and smiled at me.

“Why are you embarrassed? That is something to be proud of. You seek education. Do you know how rare that is these days?” He sounded like an angel speaking to me. Once again my cheeks told on me.

“Well I…I’m a dork. That’s not something to be proud of. I am literally teased for being myself which just so happens to be a huge nerd. I love science more than most 18 year old girls.” He laughed  at my reply. I felt hurt, that wasn’t meant to be funny at all it was the truth.

“You shouldn’t care what your peers think. In 10 years you will be successful and they will be assistant managers in a super market down town. You will go places while they are stuck with minimum wage.” Wow he was blunt. Not really in a rude way but in a literal manner. He wasn’t afraid to speak his mind and I envied that. I was always too scared to say anything in fear of making someone mad.

“I have never really thought of it that way before?” I bit my lip and looked down at my watch. I gasped and gathered my things up.

“I am so sorry but I have to leave now, I can’t be late for 5th period. I’m always early for class and this one is on the other side of the building. It was great talking with you Professor MacFarlane! Thank you for sitting with me.” I pushed my glasses up onto my nose and threw my bag over my shoulder. I dropped my book on the ground and quickly bent over to pick it up when I realized my skirt had climbed further up my waist. Damn uniforms were always messing up. I grabbed the book up quickly and threw it into my bag. I shimmed my skirt down hoping he hadn’t seen my underwear and half my ass. He cleared his throat loudly, I spotted a grin and I knew at that moment he had seen everything. How embarrassing! Great, I flashed the hot new English teacher after just meeting him. My face was now the color of a ripe tomato. I wanted to turn around and apologize but I couldn’t face him after that. I scurried away and bolted through the side door. Nora just so happened to be at her locker as I ran to her she laughed seeing me in my current state.

“Elise what the hell are you running from? The first bell hasn’t even rang yet.” She asked while I tried to catch my breath.

“Okay so the new English teacher his name is Mr. MacFarlane by the way, he joined me for lunch outside. And uh well I accidentally flashed him my whole ass! I bent over to pick up my book that fell and my skirt had slid up over my hips and bam. It was just on display. I could have died Nora! I was so embarrassed! He was way cool and now I ruined it.” Her eyes grew wide then she burst out into laughter.

“Only you El, only you. I swear that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Now every time he sees you in class he is going to think about your ass! Wait you had underwear on right? Or was it a thong?”  She asked in a serious tone.

“Fuck Nora I have regular underwear on! Thongs are very uncomfortable.” She rolled her eyes at my response.

“No they’re not, virgins don’t wear thongs. I forgot you have yet to be deflowered my little friend.” She patted my shoulder.

“Oh hush. I just haven’t found a guy I’m attracted to in that way yet.” I grumbled while digging around in my locker.

“I think you have. You’re hot for teacher aren’t you! No need to confess, I know you are, after your little statement this morning. You want the English teacher! God that’s so gross. He is ancient Elise. I mean at least settle for a college guy.” Nora went on ragging me into the next century.

“I am not hot for teacher! I mean he is insanely attractive, nice, intelligent and…fuck it. I am. Kill me now Nora!” I admitted defeat.

 Nora and I parted ways, I had 2 more classes before AP English. It was my last class of the day and I am not going to be able to look Mr. Macfarlane in the face. The next 2 periods went by too fast for my liking. I was biting my nails in AP European History just knowing when the bell chimed I would have to enter his classroom. I gathered my books for 7th period and made my way inside. Of course I was early, but thankfully he wasn’t in the room yet. I took a seat in the back of the class near the window. Within minutes the room started filling up. I watched the door anticipating him to be next. Then finally he stepped in. He had an large coffee in hand and a stack of papers.  

“Afternoon everyone. My name is Mr. Macfarlane. I am the new English teacher. I was working at the college but took this exciting new offer. High school is a whole new ball park but I look forward to this opportunity. Especially the fact that this is an AP class so that means you all actually give a shit. Pardon my French but I am simply being truthful.” We all laughed as his comment. We knew exactly what he meant. He passed out the syllabus and went over it. He was picking up where right around where Mrs. Holloway left off and I was relieved. He told us the summer projects needed to be left on his desk at the end of the week. Thankfully he was easy on us since it was the first day and we spent the rest of the class talking amongst ourselves. I didn’t really like anyone else in this class so I went straight to reading. I was alone in the back corner and that’s how I liked it. Everyone else chattered in groups and my ears picked up on a nearby conversation. It was Laura Compton and her friends. They were the class bitches. No one liked them but every guy wanted to sleep with them. And they were known for getting around town. Okay now I sound like a 70 year old man. To put it bluntly they were just a bunch of whores. Laura was going on about how hot Mr. Macfarlane was. So I wasn’t the only one…Nora just has bad taste. Anyways the way they were talking about him was making my blood boil. Like he was an animal up on the auctioning block. They were only interested in a fuck. I actually wanted to get to know him better, he was so sweet and interesting. I ground my teeth at their words. I couldn’t focus on my book anymore. I looked up at the clock and it was almost time for the dismissal bell. When I looked up Mr. Macfarlane’s eyes were glued to me. I quickly looked back down. Then he stood up and made an announcement.

“I need to see Elise Goodman after class.” Hearing him say my name made my heart skip a beat. Laura and her clique casted their glares at me. I could feel their eyes burning into my skin. Minutes then passed like seconds and the bell rang out. I stayed seated while everyone else filed out of the room. I couldn’t help but squirm when I heard his footsteps. I looked up to see him smiling as he sat on top of the desk in front of me.

“Look about earlier, I’m so sorry. I am beyond embarrassed and ashamed. I swear it wasn’t intentional sir. I’m not like that at all!” I spat out before he had a chance to even say anything.  He chuckled at my distressed state.

“Elise please, you don’t have to apologize. Accidents happen. I know you aren’t “like that” And I’m not mad at you, far from it actually.” He said with a sweet smile.

“Really? I was worried all day about the whole situation. These old skirts are not easy to work with sometimes. And I didn’t want to make a bad first impression. “ I replied quickly stammering on before realizing the last part of his reply. He said he wasn’t mad, far from it…was he hinting to something else? He had liked what he had seen?  No way I’m overthinking it. I was now silent. I looked up to see him grinning. My face flushed bright red. That is when I felt something between us. Almost like a magnetic force. With every fiber of my being I wanted to jump at him and just kiss those perfect lips. How I kept myself restrained I’ll never know. That’s when I could feel my underwear soaking by the second. Never before in my life had I felt this way towards someone. Of course I’ve have had crushes before but that was the extent of it. I never pictured myself pouncing one of them. If I were being honest, I wanted to do more than just kiss the man in front of me. I remained silent though, I was afraid to speak.

“I look forward to reading your summer projects. You can tell a lot about a person from the way they interpret classic works of literature. The way a book speaks to a person is a reflection of their mind and some say even their soul.” He spoke like a true poet.

“I couldn’t agree more sir.” I replied in almost a whisper. I was completely drawn to this man whom I just met. Could he possibly feel the same way? No….stop it Elise.

“See you tomorrow Ms. Goodman.” He said while gathering my books up for me. He held them while I stood up and threw my bag over my shoulder.

“Uhm thank you, see you tomorrow Professor Macfarlane.” I walked out of the room holding my breath. I skipped to my locker to put my books away. The hallways were almost empty. Aside from Nora who stood by our lockers with her arms folded.

“What took you so long El? I’ve been waiting on you forever!” She said in an annoyed tone.

“Sorry I had to stay after class. Mr. Macfarlane needed to ask me something about the summer project. I hope he goes easy on the grading.” I tried to act casual.

“Oh. Well I bet you liked that. One on one time with your crush.” She winked at me. I had to be inconspicuous about this. I didn’t want to start anything that could cause trouble.

“It was okay. I mean he’s cute but you’re right. Definitely too old. I do need to get out in the dating game, we just have slim pickings in our class though so it won’t be easy.” Nora slammed her locker and stared at me.

“Are you serious? Little miss book worm is wanting to try dating?” Oh no Nora was going to take this too far.

“Well not exactly. But if a guy asked me on a date I wouldn’t be so quick to say no. I mean it is about time I gave in.” She was literally jumping up and down. I could already tell she was going to make this a big deal.

“Say no more! If I find you a date you have to go on it okay?” She asked while tugging on my arm.

“I guess. I mean it depends on who it is. I have high standards you know!” She nodded and squealed. We left the building and made our way to the parking lot, Nora always had her brother pick her up after school, he went to college on the other side of town and I walked home. I only lived a few minutes from the school and I enjoyed the scenery.

“Want a ride El?” Nora’s brother Jake asked. I politely declined. I had to work this afternoon at the local book store. It was on down in town which was a 10 minute walk past my house. I didn’t want to make them go out of the way. The siblings pulled out of the lot and I began my journey towards the book store.

[deesdiaries]

Roundtable: What Happened to Tumblr?

After 11 years, founder David Karp is leaving—and it might mean that the platform is finally fading

BY ALYSSA BEREZNAK HANNAH GIORGIS ALISON HERMAN KATE KNIBBS VICTOR LUCKERSON MOLLY MCHUGH, AND KATIE BAKER

NOV 29, 2017, 8:30AM EST

Nearly 11 years after launching Tumblr in his mother’s apartment, David Karp announced this week that he’s stepping down as head of the social network. His departure signals a bleak future for the site, which has struggled to grow and turn a profit since it was acquired by Yahoo in 2013 for $1.1 billion. Even Karp’s goodbye email to staffers had a tinge of mourning to it: “I look back with so much pride. At a generation of artists, writers, creators, curators, and crusaders that have redefined our culture, and who we have helped to empower.”

Karp’s not wrong. Before Tumblr was sucked into the purple-paned corporate labyrinth that is Yahoo, it was a hotbed of excellent online content: a lovely, creative community that pumped out original GIFs, memes, and niche-interest blogs at an impressive rate. People went there to be entertained, to connect with like-minded peers, and to ogle pics of hungover owls. But over the years—as competitors like Facebook and Instagram have grown—that creative energy has slowly drained from the site. It’s likely only a matter of time until Verizon shutters the company and dissects it for parts. The question now: How did we get here? Ringer staffers Katie Baker, Hannah Giorgis, Alison Herman, Kate Knibbs, Victor Luckerson, and Molly McHugh weigh in. —Alyssa Bereznak

____________________________________________

(Read remainder of the article below the cut.)

This article suggests an ominous future for tumblr.  Personally, I’d hate to see it end.  My tumblr addiction began with the True Blood fandom on May 14, 2012 when I opened my blog as trueblooddiaries.tumblr.com.  When the HBO True Blood series ended and Charlaine Harris published her last awful book of the series, I changed mu URL to deesdiaries (simply for a lack of a better alternative or lack of imagination).  

How and when did you begin on tumblr?

Let’s start off on a positive note: What are your fondest memories of Tumblr in its heydey?

Molly McHugh: There was once a Tumblr where an artist would draw scenes from Craigslist Missed Connections pages. I loved that. I also really enjoyed making an MRW GIF blog when I lived in the Caribbean.

Alison Herman: I was a party crasher—I first logged on in 2010 or 2011, which I’ve been told is past its *real* heyday. I remember tentatively asking my friend what “what is air” means; I had no idea how thoroughly my brain was about to be broken.

Hannah Giorgis: I met some of my best friends because of Tumblr! Heben Nigatu and I stumbled upon each other's blogs way back in 2010 or 2011 I think. We were both shocked to find another Ethiopian girl grappling with some of the same issues (racism, sexism, etc., at predominantly white institutions and, you know, also in America). Neither of us had ever encountered that IRL. We ended up meeting in person the next year when I interned in New York, and I was connected to so many great folks in her orbit then—many of whom are now my closest friends here in New York, five years later.

Herman: It's mocked for it now, but Tumblr also taught me a lot of the basics of social justice discourse, mostly by just reading the perspectives of people whose backgrounds were different from my own. If Twitter is an ideological silo, Tumblr was a horizon opener.

Katie Baker: I was working in finance in 2008 and bothering a friend with constant emails when he finally responded: “Hey, have you considered starting a Tumblr?” Little did I know that it would be the start of a whole new career. … I felt like I had finally found “my people” even if it turned out that “my people” were, like, weirdos who liked reblogging Joe Biden memes and writing whispery posts about blogger drama. (One of the early Tumblr memes that really spoke to me was the great “Sad Guys on Trading Floors,” which made its debut shortly after I joined. It was weirdly comforting in a time of huge financial and societal upheaval.)

Alyssa Bereznak: I got into Tumblr when I first moved to New York in 2010 (which, yes, is pretty late in the game). I was delighted to find extremely specific pages that celebrated the weirdness of the city, like Halloween or Williamsburg? or Accidental Chinese Hipsters.

McHugh: Just the other day, my aunt texted me that she'd bought a cookbook called Thug Kitchen. I was going to explain that that used to just be a Tumblr, but what would the point be?

Giorgis: To Alison’s note, I appreciate that Tumblr is what helped give me the words for why something like Thug Kitchen, helmed by white people, really is troublesome (beyond just the icky feeling it gave me in my gut).

McHugh: Totally. I was going to explain everything wrong with it, but I think it would have been entirely lost. It was just wild to me that some people see Thug Kitchen as a cookbook that exists on its own.

Herman: It's hard to explain outside the context of Tumblr, right? Tumblr really did give users an almost secret language.

What set the Tumblr community apart from other social networks?

Herman: There’s a really obvious and powerful symbolism to the heart button, I think; pile-ons definitely happened, but Tumblr was always a way more positive place than almost any other social network. It was a home for enthusiasms!

Knibbs: What I always liked about Tumblr was the lack of emphasis on shuttling everything into one feed. It was more about discovery than scrolling quickly through whatever an algorithm told you would be most relevant. It really catered to rabbit holes and niches. Also, Shitty New Yorker Cartoon Captions didn’t exist anywhere else.

Bereznak: I always think about the bone controversy—in which people accused one practicing "witch" of stealing human bones for spells—as a good example for the network’s tolerance for very niche interests and sensitivity toward even the most bizarre topics of discussion. The response to the incident wasn’t, “What is this person doing practicing witchcraft with bones?” It was, “Any knowledgeable witch knows this is a very good way to piss off the spirits.”

Baker: I think for me it was the fact that it even was a social network, as opposed to the other blogging platforms of the time. I remember trying to start a Blogspot blog, because I read and loved so many of them, but I felt like I was just typing into the void and had no idea how to get involved in the link economy or anything like that. (In those days getting a Gawker “Blogorrhea” link was an epic accomplishment.)

Giorgis: Something about the quasi anonymity of Tumblr enabled both community and personal growth in a way that platforms like Facebook and Twitter—which feel very persona driven—don't allow for. On Tumblr you didn't have to worry about your family and friends finding out that you reblogged 500 Misfits gifsets. The site let you explore what you love—and what upsets you—with enthusiasm and energy, and connect with people who might share those with you while also introducing you to different things, concepts, etc.

Herman: Also, to get really basic: the mixed-media aspect! It was pretty to look at AND you could have long-form thoughts/discussions.

McHugh: It allowed for a lot more interpretation. Not just the content, but the design. There is no social network now that gives you even half as much flexibility. Everyone’s Instagram profile looks the same. There’s a lot more monotony across other social networks that I think lends us to scrolling mindlessly and not really FINDING anything. Tumblr was more exploratory partly because of this.

Giorgis: The Wikipedia of social networks!

Knibbs: It also existed in that sweet spot where blogs still mattered, and made it easy to connect those bloggers together.

Baker: At the time, I think even Facebook didn’t have quite the same “self-publishing tools,” if you can call it that, that it does now—I’d have to look up the history of Facebook to be clear on the timeline, but for a while, writing a status update still meant answering the prompt “Katie Baker is …”

Herman: Does anyone remember those “me on Facebook”/”me on Tumblr” memes?

Giorgis: Absolutely. I think a lot of what feels like modern Twitter humor has its roots in early Tumblr memes, especially the vaguely meta ones that reference the platform itself.

Herman: Tumblr also felt friendlier than other famously weird internet zones like Reddit or 4chan. I still felt like I was on a cool detour, but I wasn't in the Wild West, you know?

Bereznak: Yeah! Even the more risky adult content Tumblrs leaned toward sex positivity, not raunchiness. There was never really a fear that you might happen upon a deeply disturbing GIF or something.

Victor Luckerson: I kind of feel like Tumblr’s ability to propagate memes was the beginning of its undoing. I only ever consumed Tumblr content passively, but I primarily recall it as the vehicle through which memes—which I was familiar with as a trawler of message boards since my parents got us dial-up internet in the sixth grade—became a mainstream medium. When What Should We Call Me blew up around 2011, it was kind of jarring to see internet humor suddenly become something that people of all ages and backgrounds consumed. Then this type of humor was quickly co-opted by Twitter/Facebook accounts.

Herman: WHAT SHOULD WE CALL ME! I can't believe a single person invented the concept of the reaction GIF. It's a universal internet behavior that can be traced back to a user who took the practice mainstream. That’s wild.

Bereznak: How is the What Should We Call Me person not included in every “Top Internet Innovators” list of all time?!

Do we think that Yahoo really ever understood what Tumblr was for? What did it do to hurt or help the site?

Bereznak: I should disclose that before this, I was a reporter at Yahoo News, and was forced to use Tumblr as a CMS there. It was not ideal, but I won't say anything more for fear of breaching an NDA and being sued.

Knibbs: It doesn’t sound like the company ever got what Tumblr was, beyond that it was cool with the teens. I’d really love to know whether David Karp thought Yahoo would help Tumblr or if he just wanted that sweet blog money.

Herman: The detail in that Mashable storyabout an executive trying to hype them by saying they could “create the next-generation PDF” …

Bereznak: Also the fact that some Tumblr employees didn’t know what Yahoo was …

Luckerson: Lol, they were lying.

McHugh: They at the very least knew about Yahoo Answers. The only user overlap between Yahoo and Tumblr is Yahoo Answers.

Giorgis: I will admit that it's a bit hard for me as someone who used to be a very, very regular user of the site to disentangle my reflexive irritation with the Yahoo acquisition news from any sort of objective evaluation of what happened. Did Tumblr users just react dramatically to news of change? Maybe! But what incentive was there to think Yahoo would bring anything good to the site?

Herman: It’s weird—I can't point to any material impact of the acquisition on my user experience, but the decline in relevance definitely started soon after.

Luckerson: Yahoo’s goal must have been to have more content to serve ads against right? Once you refocus Tumblr as a blog for funny GIFs rather than a social network, it becomes much more likely to have its territory taken over by others. Basically, I could find plenty of memes on Twitter or Facebook by the Yahoo years, and that’s all I ever really used Tumblr for.

Bereznak: The narrative of the acquisition was that Yahoo would help Tumblr monetize, something that Karp had always been pretty reluctant to do himself. I always felt like he was protective of the company in that sense, and that his decision to sell it to Yahoo was basically a matter of: I can’t do this to my own child.

Baker: Alyssa, I think that’s a good way to think about it. Karp was too close to his Tumblr son. And also, because of how intimate Tumblr felt, I think the users felt more entitled to weigh in on the decisions he made and take them personally.

There’s a kind of cynical ethos that “everything good on the internet dies.” Do you think Tumblr was doomed before it was ever bought by Yahoo?

Luckerson: There is no way to scale the intimate connections that attracted early users, so yes, if their goal was to become a social media giant, definitely doomed.

Herman: I think a lot of people just outgrew it, too. I know people from Tumblr who are still big on the internet; they just use different platforms.

Knibbs: After we dismantle Facebook and Google and enter the Second Golden Age of Blogging, I think Tumblr could still rise again.

Giorgis: I still occasionally retreat to Tumblr when everything else is Too Much, but it makes more sense for me as someone who’s in a different professional place to primarily use Twitter/Facebook now (ugh).

Baker: Yeah, in some ways it’s the natural life cycle of a cool social network, I guess. If it weren’t Yahoo it would be something else.

Let’s finish it off with your all-time favorite obscure Tumblr dot com site.

Bereznak: Mine, as you may have guessed from the intro, is the hungover owl one.

McHugh: It’s kind of basic, but I enjoyed Cats That Look Like Ron Swanson.

Luckerson: Poor Michelle, about all the times Destiny’s Child’s Michelle Williams was snubbed by fate/cosmic circumstance/Beyoncé.

Giorgis: I don't know that it was obscure, but I still love Things I Learned from Sex and the City. Something about seeing a million screencaps from the show just perfectly highlighted the absurdity of its premises and dialogue—and also why there's still so much to love!

Herman: I’m gonna be extremely on brand here and vote for True Detective Conversations.

Baker: I’m Remembering! made me feel so seen. I lived in gripping fear of winding up on Table for One.

Bereznak: Man, I’m Remembering! was such a gem.

Baker: SUCH. The tag that was like “my brother josh.”

Knibbs: I was and am obsessed with the Old Loves Tumblr.

Bereznak: Man, I’m Remembering! was such a gem.

[micleadd7]

Social media

Just add me on Facebook. Did you see my lunch the other day on Instagram? CleverBets2017 is now following you.You have been added to the whats app group Jeans 40th birthday. I guarantee at some point in the last few years you have all heard these things be you a Twitterer, Facebooker, Instagrammer, whatsapper or otherer (there's always an otherer) the crazy world that is socialising and social media absorbs your daily being, turning you into a mindless scrolling zombie. Flicking from one app to the next without a care in the world. Have we forgotten the days of calling people for a chat in the kitchen because that's where the phone is? looking through pictures you have had developed from holidays gone by? TEXT MESSAGING!?  HAVE WE LOST OUR WAY IN A BLUR OF CLICK  BAIT ARTICLES, MEMES AND COMMENT SECTIONS ON GROUPS THAT OFFEND THE PEOPLE WHO NEED TO BE OFFENDED!!  Let's start at the beginning.

Firstly I must point out the thing that makes most of this possible, the enabler of such activity, without it people would sit in a bar by themselves waiting for their friends awkwardly, the smart phone. Iphone/Samsung/Pigeon carrier whatever you are you have the tech literally at your fingertips to engage with anyone anywhere at any point. Bluetooth, 4g, WIfi, order a taxi, order a pizza for the taxi, watch TV, listen to the radio, I mean what is there that your smartphone does not do? What happened to the days of 3 ringtones per phone, polyphonic nonetheless, the genius that was snake, phones that when you dropped them instead of the screen smashing into a thousand pieces you feared for every bone in your foot. Now you have a bing, ding or some other strange noise you've never heard before and that's it, you are taken away into the online world forever, well not forever but at least for the foreseeable.

Ok anyway the beginning, well maybe not the beginning let's not forget Myspace with its click counter and putting your friends in order of who you liked the most. But no the real beginning for me has to be the arrival of Facebook. Facebook changed the boundaries of social etiquette in so many ways. People; be it dates, friends, random weirdos at a party or work no longer exchange phone numbers or show pictures. No no that's no longer necessary, ‘What's your full name?’ That is necessary, and a whole lot simpler to try and guess than a long list of numbers. Yes a person's full name is all you need for a full back catalogue of the last 10 years of anyone's life. Pictures, relationships, family members, age, home town, which spice girl you dressed up as at your local school disco it's all there, waiting for you, willing you to find it! More info than any sane human being should be able to process after 5 minutes of facebook stalking someone. Oh yes that's the other thing, I mean another thing, there are many things. Facebook stalking someone is widely known and accepted. As if this level of intense research into someone's life is any different from actual stalking. Looking through Katies pictures from her trip to Benidorm in 2003, specifically pausing on the bikini clad pics is just as creepy as standing outside her house in the rain hoping to steal a glimpse of her in the shower. Katie if you are reading this you can't prove anything. I guess the difference being is Katie put those pictures on Facebook right? So she wanted people to see them right? Her friends right? In which case she should be ok with her friends waiting outside her window in the rain, trying to get a glance at some sideboob action. Not sure why it has to be raining but it just does.

So what's your name? Add me on facebook. If they are interesting enough you trudge through making opinions on things. The thing is Facebook is a keyhole into someone's life that they want you to see. We all know this yet we all forget it. People (and when I say people I mean everyone) are fabricating whole lives through social media. Informing overs about brilliant family get togethers, forgetting the 16 arguments that occurred on the day and merely commenting on the pictures with everyone smiling. Adding road trip tags about how awesome the journey was even though Dave was asleep the whole way and Nick wouldn't stop farting. Or there's the amazing stays in hotels or brilliant 5 star meals or BBQing with every friend possible… You can forgive people for wanting to only post the most exciting parts of their  lives, I do the exact same thing but just once i'd like flick open the app and see:

Katie is thinking about staring at a tree.

It would probably get the same amount of likes anyway!

All that being said there are several scenarios that have grown into the very fabric of FB. Those things that happen which we all know about but either ignore, forget or are apart of. The ground to cover here is vast so I will move quickly;

The sheer anger towards each other in comment sections on a post nobody can even remember after the 45 replies is embarrassing.And it always ends with someone correcting someone else's fucking grammar, And no Michael Jackson isn't just here for the comments and popcorn.

People who re-post nonsense that starts with, ‘Most of your friends won't have the guts to re-post this’ can all suck a bag of dicks.

People who still play games and still send out invites - HOW ARE YOU STILL DOING THIS?

Click bait articles in which you never get the answer to the question posed in the headline which just makes me so mad I want to argue with anyone in the comments section.

When you see people still fraping each other and it depends on your mood as to if it's funny or not that MIke loves huge cocks.

And then there's this;

Saying Happy birthday on your birthday. I kid you not I have both posted happy birthday on a good friend's wall when he changed it for a joke looking like I have no idea when his birthday is and also missed a good friend's birthday because they took it down from Facebook. In fact the alert of someone's birthday on every single morning of every single day reminds me that i'm still friends with that person on here and that I should remove them from my Friends list, HAPPY BIRTHDAY INDEED! I do enjoy the Happy Birthdays on my birthday though, I wonder how many friends I lose on that day. Imagine that last sentence attached to real life, ‘I wonder how many friends I lose on my birthday’. Yeah thanks Facebook.

After all that nonsense there's then the people which I always say I will never be but will never know until I get there, Mums and Dads. The people who feel the need to show their children off to the whole internet every time he/she sneezes. Don't get me wrong, new parents I understand, absolutely, but there's a point where it surely must stop.

So proud of little Tommy here he is on:

His first day at school. 20 likes

At a swimming Gala 30 likes

Riding a bike 35 likes

Sleeping 100 likes.

FUCK OFF, i'm serious. How Is it that parents manage to escape the ability to realise that nobody else on earth is as interested in their child as much as they are. Well apart from the Savilles of the world but surely that's just adding to reasons why little Tommy on a bike should be kept to exactly that. I mean you wouldn't walk up to a stranger in the street and go, hey guy look at my kid in his new school Uniform, you like? Just give me a thumbs up and then tell all your mates to come look and give me a thumbs up as well.

Saying that I want to see pictures of your kids (sounds odd) about as much as I want to see pictures of your dinner. A friend of mine whatsapped me the other month (because nobody texts anymore. You all have that one friend that still texts you and you can't understand why) asking if i'd seen his dinner from the night before. What on earth happened before facebook/Instagram? Did people invite the neighbours over to look at their food before telling them to go away so they could eat it? Stupid thing is if someone stalks me ON FACEBOOK long enough i'm probably guilty of this myself. If like me as well you grew up with facebook when it first became a thing, I was at UNI. Hundreds of pictures of me being drunk and doing stupid things went up over a 3 year period. I was completely oblivious to the concept that my Parents Aunties/Uncles and all relatives may at some point join this network, leaving a huge window into my life open for anyone to see. Adam why are you in a shopping trolley at 6am? At least it's not my dinner!!!

While Facebook was the poster boy for socialising online there were many other apps following suit which had you mindlessly scrolling through smart phones as if other people were simply not in the room. To coin a phrase, does your phone want a drink? If it's not instagram with its crazy hashtags, #blog #tumblr #words #life #trees #Lettuce it's Twitter with well it's crazy hashtags, or SnapChat or Tinder or Fuckafish. I made that last one up but i'll bet if I had a quick look I would find an app for such means, probably endorsed by Bear Grylls.

With all this mindless scrolling going on we venture into the world of whatsapp. Past the causal 1-2-1s you have with your friends where you send constant pictures of yourself smiling like an idiot because you are bored of checking if your twitter post has been retweeted, there's the groups. Not as in Louis got the groups but the groups. You will have a group of friends group, a different group of friends group but with certain friends from the first group in that group, a family group and birthday group, a work group, without that dick from finance, a travelling in the car somewhere that nobody comments in anymore because you went wherever you were going group, a holiday group, a friend's pet group a... you get the picture. Your life is taken over when you wake up to 50 unread messages, mostly because Nick posted a funny meme or Rachel wants the money for the birthday present.You reply as thoroughly as you can copy and pasting Nick's now that you've woken up hilarious meme into several other groups,  pleased with the joke stealing laughs you are getting. Even if they all seem to be out loud. You find you have lost hours of the day communicating with people you could have just gone to see.

Further to that time wasting notion the creators then bought you whatsapp.web. Allowing you to have the app on your desktop, a sort of throwback to Messenger but with less smileys in people's titles and no nudge function. Shame on the no nudge function, loved having the feeling of a headache portrayed on a computer. So yes Whats app on your computer. At home. At work more like. With a million and one things to do, you are busy chatting to friends, family members and anyone who wants to listen. Tweeting about something completely unimportant, clicking through picture after picture of a lovely pie and mash or cheese board or a dog's dinner on Instagram only stopping to briefly stalk that girl you met last night on Facebook, she didn't give you her number but that's ok you don't need that. You've got a complete overview of what she's been doing for the last 10 years or so.Hell you don't even need an umbrella, it's not raining in your office.