#everyone think diagnosis thoughts
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yo prayer circle for actually getting answers from this long ass round of tests I have to go through.
#please let whatever stomach problem i have show on this 4hr long tests#everyone think diagnosis thoughts#em speaks // ooc.#// hospital ment.#kinda#as in i have to be at the hospital for these tests to take place
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what an incredibly normal and not at all autistic thing to say! (lying)
#truly this is SO funny#casually questioning his bestie's religious beliefs and then genuinely being like “what?? did i say something??”#and then he KEEPS GOING with that train of thought#not because hes an asshole. in his head he is genuinely just making conversation. theres just something so autistic about him#also complete tangent but is it just me or is that glass of water between hotch and jj massive. is it the communal water cup or something#why is it so big#full disclosure these images are slightly out of order. the last image here is before hotch and jj's reactions#but it was funnier to order them like this#reid: hmm morgan do you think the reason youve never feared satan is because youve never actually believed in god?#everyone: ...#reid: :)#spencer reid#autistic spencer reid#not fic#criminal minds#criminal minds rewatch#criminal minds s03e08#lucky#this is NOT a hate post by the way. pre-diagnosis i absolutely would have done this.#even now knowing people consider it offensive i could see myself saying something like this#shoutout to offputting autistic people!!#criminal minds 3x8
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...some other pink variant but within the magenta category
#one of my classes this term we have to give a fictional character a proper diagnosis and treatment plan from the DSM 5#the fictional character had to be from a list of movies pre-selected#but I made a good argument for the inclusion of video game characters because of the immersive story telling element#and how the characterizations can be just as effective as watching actors on a screen#prof accepted the argument and may want to include video game characters next term#but as a consequence I'm kind of the guinea pig so she presented a friendly challenge: I give her a list of characters#she briefly goes through them via google and whichever one will probably hit most of the paper criteria and cultural/ethical considerations#is the one I have to write my paper on#hell yeah challenge accepted lady! if I can make progress for future students to write about whatever the fuck they want lets gooo!#so i gave her a list of all my blorbos#she definitely knows my type at this point and im fucking scared of how anything i say can and will be used against me in a court of law no#well the pick of the litter is Luis Serra Navarro#cause he hit most of the marks and she thought the cultural piece on his end would be a good challenge from a counselors pov + cult trauma#that list had all my husbands and wives (no joke 15+) on it so there was no way I'd lose so I felt pretty good#she remarked that she was tempted at the Ardyn and Karl types cause “he looks neat” but took one look at their info on the wiki and thought#“This man is so fucked up its gonna take more than 10 pages to cover everything lets keep it simple”#she said it nicer than me but i thought that was funny as shit (jokes on her Luis is probably gonna take up 10 depending on my bandwidth)#anyway at some point during the term im gonna have a diagnostic paper on Luis from RE4#I might post it up here after the end of term cause I think that would be fun for people to pick at#anyway kind of a good day but also kind of a shit day but overall okay#burnout is still a bitch. I miss everyone on here I miss writing fictional stuff I'm feeling a lot today#magenta is my vent word
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People only seem to care about mental illness when it’s cute and romanticizable, not when it’s ugly and destructive
#oh you have ocd ahaha wow look at you organizing ur stuff#no bitch#I actually get so obsessed over something that I physically think about it all day everyday#I associate it with everything and can’t focus on any chores or tasks or work#I need everything to surround me to be associated with it#my intrusive thoughts never leave my head#aughhh the social isolation#and I hoard every little thing related to my obsession I just want everything#it’s wild#what sparked this you ask?#my stepmom saying everyone’s a little ocd#WHAT#yeah i think if that was the case it wouldn’t need an offical mf diagnosis#hhhsjnnnnn#ocd#vent
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why am i only just now as an about-to-be-27 year old fully grown adult figuring out that i am more than likely on the autistic spectrum 🫠
#like. hello?? you mean to tell me that all these very specific experiences i’ve had my entire life AREN’T NORMAL???#tbh i either really just thought everyone went through the same stuff as me or chalked it up to my adhd + anxiety#not realizing that my particular experiences went even deeper than JUST being adhd or anxiety#i doubt i’ll ever get a diagnosis because i’m 1) high-functioning 2) poor and 3) don’t have health insurance or a primary care doctor#but i think these things are just good to know#now of course the next logical step in this weird journey is to imagine talking to my f/os about it and thinking about how they might react#obv most of them probably wouldn’t actually care or think anything different#but idk. it’s a big thing for me and i would want it to be acknowledged at least ya know?#it’s weird. a little empowering to finally put a name to the experiences but it’s still something different and brings mixed feelings#🌸 hana speaks
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yall. yall know that psychiatry isnt real right. like. you shouldnt exclude someone from a community just because they dont align with what an incredibly ableist and cruel system says. you. you all know this right. I'd expect you, community full of mentally ill and disabled people who have been fucked over by psychiatry over and over and over, to know this by now
#i speak 2#sighs. when will we learn that people arent made to be defined and its an actual flaw in human beings to try and create Categories#like. a diagnosis for asd for example. thats. thats a collection of traits that are big enough to put that person into The Asd Group#and a diagnosis for a pd would be. this person has a collection of traits that are big enough to put this person into The [x]pd Group#the way we conceptualize disprders is so inherently flawed and inhuman that it gets very very obvious how incredibly ableist it is when#you think about the mentally ill/disabled as Real Life Complicated People instead of characatures.#i mean. i assume the train of thought was#“this individual must have a disease that separates you from everyone else because they have the traits xyz”#or something like that. and. is that not obviously ableist#what do we gain by upholding this human structure. its like gender roles to me#except i have never once seen a post with more than maybe 100 notes mention it#and thats just on tumblr the Wokest Website Ever That Hates Trans People#i dont even want to know what the fuck the consensus is on other platforms#idk. can anyone hear me#am i literally the only one here that sees this shit. have none of you even thought about it#and. you know what#yeah im maintagging this shit#actually mentally fucked#mental illness#pd safe#actually plural#pdblr#HAH NOW YOU FUCKERS HAVE TO LISTEN TO ME. GET INTROSPECTIVE'D#GET WOKE'D
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dating an art student was so crazy I'm just thinking abt that one birthday I had where my ex got me stickers from the etsy of the person they were cheating on me with....
#they made them address the thank you note to me and everything ajskfjfkfb. i didnt know they were cheating at the time but wow...#every time i break out my sticker collection and see them im reminded of it. but i cant throw out the stickers theyre deltarune ones 😭#like they were a rly cool artist.... just unfortunate that happened 💀#the drama was insane. my ex only wanted to sleep with them but they (other person) wanted them to break up with me so they could date#but my ex dumped them rly harshly for suggesting that i guess 'romantic' cheating was a step too far even for them lmaooo#i heard abt their breakup secondhand and god could they be cruel sometimes. they made fun of the sex theyd had w them#to all their mutual friends n everything i actually felt so bad for the other person when i found out. at least our breakup wasnt that bad#i only finally got that cruel side of them directed towards me like a year after when they wanted us to stop being friends#but yeah. its also funny in a way bc my ex only suggested i had adhd bc the other person did too + struggled a lot with rsd#which i guess they found out when they broke up with them. and then looked at that and thought huh my gf is kind of similar...#and this was like. 2 years before i even considered i had adhd myself and sought diagnosis ahdkfidjcjdjfjfjfkdbfnf#this made me go look the other persons art page up on instagram + then i recognised some of their friends/flatmates art pages and i found#their (my exs that is) grad year film which is still being shown at animation festivals... good for them good for them#i dont think they have an art page themselves tho cuz they were always v shy and weird abt sharing art on social media#like everyone else except them is tagged on things... shame i wouldve liked to see what they were making now. even if we're not friends#also one of their old roommates made some REALLY similar squid game fanart to mine like a month after i posted it huh..#not mad abt it or anything i think its cool i just didnt realise they showed my art to their friends. thats cute#ah this was years ago anyway. getting my head out of the rabbit hole#im gonna go play some elden ring and then maybe do smth fun in my sketchbook we shall seeee#.diaries
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At this rate I might need to start keeping track of all the people who arbitrarily peg me as autistic, having ADHD, or both because it's kind of concerning considering I've been diagnosed with neither
In the past two months, I've had
-someone who I'd been chatting with for maybe 20 minutes ask if I was audhd
-my long time coworker casually reference that the difference between me and him is that my ADHD is medicated. I spent a solid ten seconds staring at him before shaking my head
-a friend who I'd been complaining about social cues with ask if I'd been tested
-someone I see infrequently but have known for years reference my supposed autism
I feel like everyone in my life is on something sometimes, this is just weird man
#is it self diagnosis if you dont know a ton about the condition but literally everyone thinks you have it#adhd and autism#neurodiversity#i think im just weird guys#theres a reason nobody ever thought to test me
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most annoying thing i’ve been seeing online lately is ppl in the adhd/autistic communities posting benign relatable posts and being inundated with comments from neurotypicals being like ummm everyone does that and you’re literally promoting harmful self diagnosis :// stop acting like everything is a symptom and it takes all my power not to tell them to shut the fuck up because not everything is about you, is the audhd community not allowed to make funny relatable posts without you insufferable cuntbags assuming the worst and reading shit into it that was never meant to be there
#unless a post is saying ‘doing this thing means you are definitely neurodivergent’ then 9 times out of 10 it’s not meant to be a fucking#diagnostic tool and anyone with a brain should be able to tell that it’s not#funny relatable posts DID help me figure out im neurodivergent after years of suffering on my own but they weren’t the only tool#incredibly funny because isn’t straightforward language like a hallmark autism thing too.#like if it was meant to be a diagnostic post it would Fucking Say That#don’t pretend that’s what it says because you’re an ableist dbag who’s scared of ppl understanding and accepting themselves#don’t pretend to have well meaning concerns when ur rly just afraid of having to accept that being nd is way more common than you thought#‘stop trying to diagnose everyone’ directed at the most benign relatable/educational posts has the same energy to me as#the fucking ‘the queers are trying to convert ur children’ rhetoric#what’s that? are you afraid of people (even young people) gaining a better understanding of themselves and accepting and celebrating who—#they are?#are you afraid of accepting that people know themselves better than you think you know them?#these types of ‘well meaning concerns’ are what made me suffer in silence and prevented me from getting a diagnosis for years 👍#anyway. angry post because this shit makes me so mad#mental health#neurodivergent#audhd#speaketh
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shout out to the blunt ass resident who, upon taking a five second look at me in the er, went “you have crohns” and made me cry. it took the internists and surgeons and GIs another like four months to make that diagnosis.
#this is not recent this was 2017 lol#but i think about him every day#man just KNEW#everyone else thought it was an infection#took two hospitalizations an mri an ultrasound two CAT scans and a colonoscopy to get that diagnosis
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Oppositional defiant disorder I hate you forever
#it shouldn’t exist! it’s a bad disorder and we should stop diagnosing it!#ooooh I get so mad#I’m writing a paper about it and I have had to put all of research away and fully stop thinking about it multiple times bc I’ll read some#crazy shit that pisses me off.#these papers will be like there’s a significant decrease in oppositional behaviors when treated with adhd meds#or like. childhood abuse is a significant risk factor#like no! maybe it’s just like. adhd (which causes irritability!!) or a fucking traumatized kid who doesn’t have right control over their#emotions. like there is no reason for this disorder to exist#I read in something that close to 60% of children diagnosed with adhd meet requirements for odd like maybe it’s fucking. the same thing#causing these issues. have we considered that maybe the disorder known for causing executive dysfunction is like. possibly causing this#executive dysfunction. have we considered this. anyone. has anyone had the thought.#like I understand not everyone with adhd experiences this. however. it’s certainly enough of a correlation that it’s like. bro wtf.#if it needs to be diagnosed it makes much more sense as a signifier on an adhd diagnosis so at least the kid can get access to#accommodations or meds if they need them. instead of being essentially labeled bad kid for life#bc even trying to talk to a doctor to get it off your record is literally taken as proof you have it which is so fucked. god I’m so mad#prsnl
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ive known i was autistic since i was liek seven but its onlu recently that my mum has brought it up to me. well i think i noticed something was ‘wrong’ with me when i was around 6/7 and i didnt know much so i went through ocd or maybe adhd and i seen some of the traits in me, but i didnt think to look at autism until later. but like ive thought of myself as autistic since then(i really got into it like alot of research) anyway it was only 2022?2023? when my mum said to me (i had never said anything to her about it i thought id just have to wait until i was older to go to the doctor by myslef, but i so badly wanted her to notice) and she said she had thought since i was really young and idk it made me upset cos like if shes known this whole time and didnt do anything like i could’ve gotten help as a child. i suppose nothing could’ve been done until i was 10 but i was like 12/13 when she first even mentioned to me like maybe not 2020cause idk it was probably last thing on list of priorities but she could’ve done this in 2021 i know she obviously had more important things to focus on like yknow having a place to live and like a job and its jsut selfish to think liek tjhis sorry idk whatim saying i know not everything is about me its just what theysay to me all the time i know j dont think im better than you i fucking cant stand myself
#i know diagnosis process is a long one and its only just starting now..#she keeps saying itll be good to know what some things i might to are caused by but ive known for years a diagnosis wont make a#difference in my head but i suppose i didnt think id get a diagnosis this early#but sometimes thinking what if its not autism? like everyone around me has said it seems like it is but what if its not and i have jsut#thought this for years??
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well I can already tell this is gonna be a bad night
today has just been fucking weird and hard. I'm in a bad mood. everything feels bad. (probably not helped by me not taking the new antidepressant last night so I wouldn't sleep all day)
the plan was for my friend to come over this weekend to help me pack. she did that last time and it helped a lot. (my husband could help, obviously, but he's in charge of other things that also need to get done. plus he's very bad at putting things into boxes.)
but the rail strike is still going on so it's likely that she won't be able to get here (or get back in time). so now that's suddenly a lot more stressful and the one thing that I thought would make it go okay is gone.
and I also have to like. at least reread my thesis a few times or whatever to study for the oral exam on Friday. which will make me want to die. because it is bad. so. that will be bad. and the thought of being asked questions about that piece of garbage for 30 fucking minutes is so horrifying that I genuinely do not know if I will be able to get through it without taking my Lorazepam beforehand (which I know is a horrible idea, and my psychiatrist told me twice that it's a bad idea, and I know it would just make me unbelievably stupid. but holy shit that is the scariest thing I can imagine.)
and of course instead of doing anything useful I'm now just sitting here feeling like shit (like last night, only worse)
#it'd just be so fucking nice if I could just.. have a break#it's just been nonstop awful shit since my dad's cancer diagnosis in 🤔 2015. I'm sorry but that's too long. I can't do it anymore. I just#need some damn time to fucking calm down#like yeah any outsider would probably look at my life and think 'well you haven't actually DONE anything in like 6 years'#yeah that's true#but I've also been sick and/or in pain pretty much since 2018. and some of that was fixed last year when I had my gallbladder removed but i#is still not good. first of all that did not work out so well for me. but also everything else is still not right and no one cares and I#just don't have the energy to fight to get a diagnosis#I'm just so tired#I really thought I'd just. go to uni. get my degree in 3 years like expected. get a job. move out. have a normal life FINALLY for the first#time ever#and NONE of that fucking happened#EVERYTHING WENT WRONG. again and again and again#and I am just. so. tired. I can't. I can't do it.#it feels so fucking pathetic to be like 'my life is soooo hard everyone feel bad for me' when there is just. objectively not that much wron#but it just. never. stops.#I've never had a fucking moment to just. sit down. and think. and make decisions about my life. everything just. happens to me#I just. feel so lost and stuck and doomed and it won't fucking get better! it won't! my life got better ONE TIME and it has been pure hell#since then#like. no. it won't get better. this will keep happening over and over and over#I'll never have a choice. not really. I fucked up my life permanently when I dropped out of school at 18 and tbh I wish I would've just bee#brave enough to do what I really wanted then (killing myself)#because fuck. this is not worth it#literally everyone I love is either really fucking far away or just. fictional.#I have no close relationships with anyone irl#everyone I know irl is mean and kind of an asshole. and I'm too useless to meet new people.#I just. I don't want to survive anymore I want to live but I can't have that so. what's the goddamn point#its gonna be fine. because I'm a fucking coward so I'll never do it anyway. but I fucking wish I could
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It is kind of funny thinking on my headcanon like naturally im googling that where im like Did anyone else have this thought and a few people yes! I tend to see other diagnoses which are usually fair. But also stumbling upon someone else thinking that by chance was so DELIGHTFUL i still clap when i see others mention it like YES!!! YEAH!!!!
#floyd.txt#it can be a complicated thing but again for me#i am projecting in some ways but i also see other traits and its#for me i do have genuine interest in this i always think its neat to see stuff align#for a character made before this was like...a diagnosis i guess. i guess thats wording it right...#i was rereading and highlighting because i know i had a lot of moments casually reading where im kind of like#woah...that reminds me of this/me#i always feel like i need to disclaimer stuff or otherwise but must i really. i can have fun. i can do things#i do think this is stemming from like..never really reading a character with such similar struggles.#both in what a lot of people may relate to but some things were like...#i dont know just kind of eerie in how nearly 1:1 it would feel like ive never really read a protagonist going thru this stuff#so i feel like i naturally dive im some more#i feel like these always sound goofy silly i just have a lot of struggles and it was an experience to see so fucking many in a guy made so#long ago...#like i read ive been picking up reading more and have related to charactwrs before to degrees but WAOW...#Good God i can ramble about him. sorry....nope...MY BLOGGGG#i can get over the duhh everyones thought and known this about the guy because I am pretty new here#part of the joy and fun is all of this..we are all new to something...! at some point! thank you.mm#tumblr app let me edit tags plese...
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Oh well. At least it works for you.
It definitely is not for everyone, I am very lucky in that regard.
#sorry I couldn’t be more help :(#unfortunately I have been on the same medication since I was sixteen#and the second one since I was 20#so my only point of reference for how I managed before that#was crying myself to sleep in my street clothes and shoes#because I was convinced I was going to run away in the middle of the night or something#rip 16 year old me#I hope he knows he was right about the gender#and that he didn’t deserve to be treated that way#neon answers#sorry that got kinda heavy I guess#I know people get really weird about medication for mental illness#there are tons of ways to cope and stuff#I just was never able to cope even with those coping mechanisms#meds don’t work for everyone obviously#and tbh I didn’t want to start them when I was 16 because I thought I would lose all sense of myself#but I was so far gone at 16 I don’t think I realized how much of myself I’d already lost#that doesn’t mean I’m going to tell you meds will fix your problems because they won’t always#some people can’t even go on meds because a mental illness diagnosis could get in the way of their career#sorry I’m trying not to come off as preachy but I’m prone to over explaining#I’m just a guy okay#I don’t have the answers#I’m tiny and 22#I have green hair#I am not the person to ask advice from#respectfully of course#sorry 😭😭😭
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the way i’m about to fistfight my therapist like no i’m not fucking adhd. im not autistic. maybe i have some crying spells and i get horrible headaches and i’ve never felt normal my whole life but shut up
#imm so fucked up like i will not accept a diagnosis if i think it sounds lame#am i in denial or am i just better than everyone#mental health#mental heath support#actually mentally ill#depression and anxiety#depression thoughts#depression awareness#anxiety recovery#therapy#depression journal
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