#difference in my head but i suppose i didnt think id get a diagnosis this early

[sleepinghollowsthehead]

ive known i was autistic since i was liek seven but its onlu recently that my mum has brought it up to me. well i think i noticed something was ‘wrong’ with me when i was around 6/7 and i didnt know much so i went through ocd or maybe adhd and i seen some of the traits in me, but i didnt think to look at autism until later. but like ive thought of myself as autistic since then(i really got into it like alot of research) anyway it was only 2022?2023? when my mum said to me (i had never said anything to her about it i thought id just have to wait until i was older to go to the doctor by myslef, but i so badly wanted her to notice) and she said she had thought since i was really young and idk it made me upset cos like if shes known this whole time and didnt do anything like i could’ve gotten help as a child. i suppose nothing could’ve been done until i was 10 but i was like 12/13 when she first even mentioned to me like maybe not 2020cause idk it was probably last thing on list of priorities but she could’ve done this in 2021 i know she obviously had more important things to focus on like yknow having a place to live and like a job and its jsut selfish to think liek tjhis sorry idk whatim saying i know not everything is about me its just what theysay to me all the time i know j dont think im better than you i fucking cant stand myself

[an-old-inca-poet-blog]

scared and educated

 I had been having an urge to start some type of project, but never got around to it. Being the begging of a new year I decided to make it my new years resolution. However I was struggling to come up with a solid topic. So on new years eve instead of doing some honest brainstorming I was out getting hammer like the rest of the world.I mean like totally shitfaced, trailer trashed, obliterated, whatever you wanna call it. As unlikely as it seems though i had a dream that same night well i wouldn't call it a dream though. More like a hybrid between a nightmare and the most breath taking thing you've ever experienced.

 You see it was memorable,but at the same time choppy and static like if video was on a low resolution while loading a chunk of the video playing and then stopping again.

At first i was in front of my computer in my study writing at an alarming speed as if my life depended on it.I could see the words but apparently i was typing so fast it looked as if i was scrolling and i was unable to read them. i felt a deep yearning in my heart though while i was there as if my heart never truly existed before that exact moment. Like you were a kid and somehow just figured out how to fly or catch their own shadow would be if they had been trying for so long. What was the meaning behind these words that were flying past my face?

Was it some billion dollar idea i was just documenting so i wouldn't forget later, a secret i had to uncover waiting to be exposed, a journal perhaps, none of these really had any meaning to me so why did this specific thing make my heart yearn for something.

then i was someplace new and there was a man not too old but not young either in their 20-30 range and we were in some type of facility.he didn't say anything to me either just serenely stared at me. not in a way that was bothering just in a way as a father might look upon his son or daughter from afar at the Olympics. just proudly in awe of the moment and their love for them.

and the presence i felt from this man was nothing id ever felt before. calming yet stern. joyful yet realistic. present but yet so otherworldly.

last there was a great abyss, darkness beyond belief, it felt as if i jumped head first into a black hole. great pain and anguish.

i woke in a lake of terror and sweat. had i not known it was sweat i wold have thought i pissed the bed.

I need to write a fucking book.

the next day i started my topic brainstorming

being the psychologist that i am i figured my best suited topic would be about psychology. it seemed like a no brainier although just because you know a lot about something doesn't mean you can write a book about it.

for a few days while driving back and forth from my work i was mulling over topics. and i decided i wanted to write about how different disorders affect different people and what those same people used to behave according to their file at least.

i emailed a few local specialized hospitals because i wanted to go and visit and talk to patients with the most extreme cases of these disorders to make my writing more interesting

finally i got a response to go to one of the more major hospitals in my area and in the state since i live within an hour and a half away i scheduled a weekend where i could go there all three days friday through sunday to get some material.

friday came and i was on my way there slightly nervous in extreme cases patient can some times act very irradicaly to new people but i was informed i would be accompanied by satff at all times

i met went through the typical diagnosis patients like multiple personality, schizophrenia, extreme bipolar, some strange anomaly cases and the last person was diagnosed with religious delusions and had been here since 2012

he we 33 when he was admitted

we walked down a long hallway to a cafeteria and there was a man in a wheelchair with a beard and long brown hair. and immediately as i entered the room i recognized the presence. the face had eluded me from the dream but this prescence was undeniable

as we walked over getting closer the man beckoned me over lovongly calling me by name

“Hey anon you wouldn’t believe how much joy it brings me seeing your face knowing you chose to come here’

i was astonished yet also expected something explainable to happen. i mean i just had real deja vu of this very moment so how could i be surprised but i was.

i followed his orders and took a seat infront of him as there was a chair waiting for me.

he says after i sit down” i haven't done this in ages but i guess times are like they were back then”

back then? back when?

“oh you know “  as he tried to make what i interpreted as a boat floating in the ocean gesture with his hands

whats that supposed to mean?

“well let me put it this way the book you write is going to be more than a best seller and i heard that from a good authority as he pointed up towards the cieling.

the all of a sudden he reached over and gently gasped my wrist i didnt back away i wasnt scared just startled

“can you see them?”

see what?

i hadnt noticed in my peripheral many bright lights light they just put high beams on a new care on but it was just out of my field of view.

then i looked around.....

thousands 

thousands upon thousands of beings i can only describe as angels stood filling the cafeteria.

all just shy of the 12 ft ceiling each shined as brilliant as the next.

with their hands together as if they were praying

and i think they were 

but then came the most beautiful music that would grace my ears as countless orchestra instruments played in unmatched unity and perfection

a voice which sounded like many chimed words i knew but didnt understand all so familiar.......(part 1)

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if you read this far thank you your time and attention

part two will be out soon so dont worry if you like it let me know

[viralhottopics]

Chrissy Teigen Finally Opens Up About Her Emotional Battle With PPD And Anxiety

Chrissy Teigen is known for being brutally honest about her life, even though she’s one of the most famous celebrities out there.

She is a New York Times best-selling cookbook author, a model, and the host ofLip Sync Battle. She’s also well-known in today’s world of celebrities as being relatable and “real.”

Chrissy is married to singer John Legend. Last year, the couple welcomed daughter Luna into their family.

Since then, Chrissy has been even more open, sharing honest stories about her struggle with fertility, the backlash she’s gotten as a momin the spotlight, her stretch marks and body insecurities, and how she really feels about being a working mom.

Now she’s tackling another tough subject: postpartum depression.

Moms everywhere can relate to Chrissy. Like most of us, she loves pizza, sometimes forgets to shower for days on end, hangs around in food-themed onesies with her husband, and adores her daughter more than anything in the world.

ForGlamour‘s April 2017 issue, Chrissy wrote a candid essay about one of the things she’s struggled with most sincethe birth of Luna: postpartum depression and anxiety.

[H/T:BuzzFeed]

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Instagram / @chrissyteigen

After giving birth, Chrissy noticed that she was kind of in a funk.

She attributed her mood change to the stress of living in a hotel and having a new baby, but it was actually something more.

When Chrissy was finally diagnosed with postpartum depression and anxiety in December 2016, she was able to get back on the path to mental and emotional wellness.

Instagram / @chrissyteigen

In herGlamouressay, Chrissy wrote:

A year ago, in April, John and I started our family together.

We had our daughter, Luna, who is perfect. She is somehow exactly me, exactly John, and exactly herself. I adore her.

I had everything I needed to be happy. And yet, for much of the last year, I felt unhappy.

What basically everyone around me butme knew up until December was this: I have postpartum depression.

How can I feel this way when everything is so great?

After I had Luna, our home was under construction, so we lived in a rental home, then a hotel, and I blamed whatever stress or detachment or sadness I was feeling at that time on the fact that there were so many odd circumstances.

I remember thinking: Maybe Ill feel better when we have a home.

Instagram / @chrissyteigen

But I was different than before.

Getting out of bed to get to set on time was painful. My lower back throbbed; my shoulders even my wrists hurt.

I didnt have an appetite. I would go two days without a bite of food, and you know how big of a deal food is for me.

One thing that really got me was just how short I was with people.

I couldnt figure out why I was so unhappy.

I blamed it on being tired and possibly growing out of the role: Maybe Im just not a goofy person anymore. Maybe Im just supposed to be a mom.

Instagram / @johnlegend

When I wasnt in the studio, I never left the house. I mean, never. Not even a tiptoe outside.

Id ask people who came inside why they were wet. Was it raining? How would I know I had every shade closed.

Most days were spent on the exact same spot on the couch and rarely would I muster up the energy to make it upstairs for bed.John would sleep on the couch with me, sometimes four nights in a row.

I started keeping robes and comfy clothes in the pantry so I wouldnt have to go upstairs when John went to work.

There was a lot of spontaneous crying.

Instagram / @chrissyteigen

Before, when I entered a room I had a presence: head high, shoulders back, big smile.

Suddenly I had become this person whose shoulders would cower underneath her chin. I would keep my hands on my belly and try to make myself as small as possible.

By December I had started my second cookbook.

With the first, I was in the kitchen the whole time. I stirred every pot, tasted everything. Had genuine excitement for Every. Single. Recipe.

This one came at the height of my losing my appetite, and the idea of having to test and taste recipes actually made me vomit. I was still on the couch a lot.

Instagram / @chrissyteigen

Before the holidays I went to my GP for a physical. John sat next to me.

I looked at my doctor, and my eyes welled up because I was so tired of being in pain.

Of sleeping on the couch.

Of waking up throughout the night.

Of throwing up.

Of taking things out on the wrong people.

Of not enjoying life.

Of not seeing my friends.

Of not having the energy to take my baby for a stroll.

My doctor pulled out a book and started listing symptoms. And I was like, Yep, yep, yep.

I got my diagnosis: postpartum depression and anxiety. (The anxiety explains some of my physical symptoms.)

Instagram / @chrissyteigen

Before this, I had never, ever in my whole entire life had one person say to me: I have postpartum depression.

Growing up in the ’90s, I associated postpartum depression with Susan Smith, with people who didnt like their babies or felt like they had to harm their children.

I didnt have anything remotely close to those feelings.

I looked at Luna every day, amazed by her.

So I didnt think I had it.

Instagram / @chrissyteigen

I also just didnt think it could happen tome.

I have a great life.

I have all the help I could need: John, my mother (who lives with us), a nanny.

But postpartum does not discriminate. I couldnt control it.

And thats part of the reason it took me so long to speak up: I felt selfish, icky, and weird saying aloud that Im struggling.

Sometimes I still do.

Instagram / @johnlegend

Im speaking up now because I want people to know it can happen to anybody and I dont want people who have it to feel embarrassed or to feel alone.

I also dont want to pretend like I know everything about postpartum depression, because it can be different for everybody.

But one thing I do know is that for me, just merely being open about it helps.

This has become my open letter.

Instagram / @chrissyteigen

Chrissy is truly a brave soul, and her inspiring words will help other women with postpartum illnesses everywhere feel less alone.

To read her full essay, go toGlamour.com.

If you think everyone should know more about postpartum depression, anxiety, and other illnesses,

Read more: http://bit.ly/2mjUclS

from Chrissy Teigen Finally Opens Up About Her Emotional Battle With PPD And Anxiety