#every waking moment im thinking about her
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Just a thought and no offense but I think Logan just wants to be in love and feel loved in return.
(This isnt proofread and came out as rambling so have fun trying to read it and decipher it! 😅)
So WE ALL know that Logan can be flirty, and that he may have had a period where he was a bit of a manwhore (*cough* 70s Logan *cough*)
I feel like that period though, and any other flings, one night stands, etc whatever was less out of lust and more of a desperation to feel SOME kind of human connection bc the mans so lonely and has been treated like a soldier, a weapon for so long that hes desperate for human connection, even if it makes him end up feeling depraved afterwards. Post-nut clarity wakes him up next to some girl he met at a bar, and guilt sinks its teeth into him because he doesnt even know her name, much less actually LIKE her. The man was born in the 1800s, he may have grown with time but you cannot tell me theres not some inkling of being a gentleman- and wanting to find someone you truly love, hidden in there somewhere. I think overtime he may fall into this routine, believing he needed to be a walking sex magnet, gruff, cocky, whatever have you because hes convinced its the only way he can have a connection with someone, even if its for a few passionate moments under bedsheets, and an awkward "that was nice. Bye"
It only fuels his self hatred, convincing him that he really his just an animal, looking to get his sick desires out, eat, fuck, sleep, survive.
When we see him in the X movies, as a cage fighter he is brutal and rough and he doesnt seem to have a caring bone in his body yet he still manages to find himself caring about this young girl who stowawayed in his trailer, and does help her, even if he acts like this version of logan he created. Someone who doesnt care. But he cares. A lot.
Its not until he meets YOU, that he starts to wonder if he got it all wrong. Kind, beautiful, smart YOU.
I fully believe that logan just wants a partner. One night stands, flings, what have you, were just him lying to himself, desperate to feel something other than hate. After he lost his memories, and he began just wandering, the concept of love was lost on him. And lust wasnt there anymore either. He was approached by women, perfectly fine, pretty women, all the time during his time cage fighting, bars, etc. He turned them all away- completely opposite of logan 30-40 years ago (my timing probs not right on xmen lol) who was convinced the only way he was living was if he had ass next to him every night he went to sleep because he was lonely. This version of logan, lost, angry, wanted nothing to do with people. Some of it the repressed feelings coming out from his past that he doesnt even remember. He was convinced then that he had to be alone. Becoming a lone wolf that bared his teeth at anyone who tried to pet it. Secretly though, deep down although he wouldnt admit it, there was that deep desire, that he always felt in his 200 years, that he just wanted to find his mate. He'd call soulmates bullshit if you asked him, but the moment he meets you, hed know that it was real, and that maybe god cursed (gifted) him the ability of healing and practical immortality just so he could find you. And hed do it over and over again, the pain and suffering and loneliness, if it meant you would be the endgoal.
Logan is a pack animal. He needed a family, to protect, and cherish. When he meets and ends up at the x-men, his demeanor and attitude changes quickly to something similar to a dog that snaps at you when you pet it only for it to whine and whimper "im sorry, please dont hate me, i just dont know how to accept love.". Hes still wary, because hed never KNOWN a family before. Put aside his memory loss, the closest things he had to a family was a creep of a brother, and a woman who said she loved him under false pretenses (i still dont like you kayla even if you say it was real). He barely knew his parents, and even then that was a lie because his father wasnt even his biological father. Yeah, Logans life was pretty damn lonely, so its no wonder the man is cautious of anybody and anything.
The moment you come into his life though, that bitterness, anger, and meaningless flirting goes right out the window. Hes serious about you. Hes usually cautious, nervous around people but he meets you and its almost like he threw all those imaginary rules he has for himself out of the window.
Look at how he was with Jean in the movies. He barely knew the woman, they barely shared ANY lines in the movie yet he was almost completely devoted (dont get me started on that storyline). Trust didnt come easy to the wolverine. And Kayla- their relationship just shows how much he wants love and to be loved. I never seen origins but a lot of gifsets and read the synopsis of the plot, but i think he had a feeling with Kayla he couldnt trust (remember how he says hell never go against his gut again?) But he so badly just wanted that connection he ignored all the warning signs and did everything to build a life with this woman who not only tricked him, but put him through unimaginable pain both physically and mentally. (Look I REALLY dont like kayla but i do feel bad for her because stryker did have her sister captive). I know stryker is the evil mastermind here, but god imagine trying to find love with someone, only for it all to be a farce, even if they claimed they did love you the entire time- the intentions from the very beginning was far from love.
Oh but when he is in love with you. From the moment he met you, it wasnt love at first sight exactly, more like a feeling that you were it. Hes all about you. He sticks around, under the pretense that he just needed to make some money first, doing some missions for charles, keep an eye on rogue. He cant admit its because he wants to stay close to you. Hes like a feral cat taking shelter in your shed. Stays away at first, cautious of your spspspsp, but curious nonetheless. Completely ignores the first bowl of food you put down for it- or so you thought because when you came back it was completely devoured. It takes weeks of food and spspsps before it finally warms up to you, but after that first contact with your hand and its head- good luck ever getting rid of it. Not that youd want to 😊
Logan becomes a shadow to you, once you become something akin to friends. (Its really more than that but no ones addressed it). He teases you and flirts with you, and its something you think he does with everyone, until Ororo tells you that he only does it to you. Sometimes he just sits in your company, other times hes curious about what youre working on, not wanting to start the convo, but does things like leering over your shoulder (which he may or may not be doing just to he close to you and get a good whiff of the smell of your hair). He stresses when you go on missions without him. He slowly opens up about his past to you when he begins to get his memories back. Trusting only you (and maybe charles) with the truth ablut the man he used to be, and still is.
When your feelings finally do come out in the open though, however it happens, that first kiss, the first time you make love, etc etc. Logans a different man. I mean, hes still that cocky, grumpy person we all know and love. But he carried himself differently. Hes confident and wiser, hes comfortable, and hes happy. He found a home, his pack. And maybe after countless conversations about his past, the things hes done, and the comforting words and understandings you give him, he starts to learn that he isnt so bad, because if you love him, YOU, the most wonderful person hes ever known in 200 years, love him despite all of his violence and hatred and slight whoreish tendecies back in the 70s...then he must be alright.
He doesnt need to worry about his past anymore, when hes got you, right there with him, promising a loving future together.
#this was not proofread#so dont judge me#im just spilling out my thoughts#i wanna know logans inner psyche#logan howlett#logan howlett x reader#wolverine#logan howlett x you#i just feel like logan just wants love#but is convinced hell never get it#hes convinced hes the worst man on earth so he does things he thinks bad men do#only to make himself feel worse and worse#i also know comic logan is a bit different from movie logan so this is solely based on movie logan
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im listening to my jjk themed playlist(literally just a playlist of songs that reminds me of jjk characters and/or gives me certain jjk character vibes- most of it being nsfw ngl) and die with a smile by bruno mars ft lady gaga is playing, right?
who does my mind immediately think of at this current moment? not any of the jjk characters, that's for sure!
instead, my mind goes to lnds sylus
i can picture two scenarios
the first being sylus and mc asleep in bed together, he has a nightmare of losing mc and he wakes up in a cold sweat, chest heaving like he's struggling to breathe, sitting up, attempting to stay silent but he's panicking, terrified out of his mind. he doesn't scare easily but this dream, this nightmare felt all too real. his gaze trails over to mc, his crimson eyes studying her closely, making sure she's still there next to him, still breathing. mc wakes up and finds him sitting upright, staring at her with an intense gaze. she's concerned, of course, and sits up, her hands immediately reaching out to cup his cheeks, her thumbs gently brushing against his skin, her soft voice, laced with sleep, asking if he was alright, did he have a bad dream. sylus attempts to deflect, tries to brush it off as nothing but mc knows something's up, something's wrong. she urges him to speak about it until he finally relents, telling her about his nightmare. her gaze softens and she pulls him into her arms, reassuring him that she's very much alive, promising she'll always be next to him. from that moment on, they are completely inseparable, spending every day, every night together, loving each other sweetly, wholly, both sylus and mc reminding the other they'll never leave, never stray too far, never go somewhere where the other can't follow
the other scenario is similar, but instead of sylus having the nightmare, it's mc. she jolts awake, her eyes welling up with tears, her heart positively aching. the nightmare felt so real, so concrete that she wakes sylus up by grabbing his hand, gripping it tightly. he immediately knows something's wrong, knows his beloved is feeling overwhelmed. he sits up with her and pulls her onto his lap, his arms instinctively wrapping around her, crushing her against his chest, his hands tangling gently in her hair. he doesn't make her speak, he can already guess what she's dreamed about, he knows her too well. instead, he sits in silence, holding her, soothing her, and if he does speak, it's only to whisper his love for her, to hum a song just for her ears and her ears alone. he presses her head against where his heart rests, letting its beating reassure her that he's here, and he's not going anywhere. from this point on, mc loves him wholly, fiercely, more than she had before. she'd constantly, consistently shower him with her affection, whether its holding his hand or arm out in public, writing love notes and planting them around the base for him to find, sending him messages reserved only for his eyes and his heart, or laying together in the stillness of the night, basking in each other's company. she would make sure he'd never doubt her devotion, her love, her adoration for him, just as he'd do the same for her
#gOD IT'S FOUR IN THE MORNING WHY AM I LIKE THIS#PLEASE CAN MY BRAIN NOT-#MY HEART H U R T S#sylus love and deepspace#sylus x mc#sylus#lads sylus#love and deepspace#EMOTIONAL DAMAGE
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Hello guys . I really really love her.
#Squid Game#Cho Hyunju#Player 120#Selfship#Yumeship#I LOVE HER SO MUCH U GUYS CANT EVEN BEGIN 2 COMPREHEND#ITS ACTUALLY MADDENING#every waking moment im thinking about her#or im looking at edits of her#if there were more masc / gender neutral x readers id be reading those#i love her . my wife#shes literally the love of my life#genuinely#my love Hyunju 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#also one before the last is just me drawing stuff i think shed wear outside of the games#ill buy her all of the clothes and jewelry she could ever want#everything i do is for her ♡ my besutiful wife
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the order doesn't matter that much also the "not for me" tier can range from "man idgaf" to "WHAT THE FUCK"
#there needs to be a term for something tangential to shipping but not quite shipping because that's how i feel about reiramu honestly#like just. the concept of rei being haunted by his wife through his own work with which he dared to defy the limits of humanity#but it's fine right? they're just shallow copies. they share her face but they're hollow. they're just puppets.#they don't have feelings of their own. when a clone is disposed by chuohku it's the equivalent of killing a fly#but there's this one clone. he's a defect.#oh well you can always just improve on the next line of clones#but he can feel things the others can't. he has a personality. it's not quite like hers but they share a lot of the same values#he's *not* her. the face is the same but the smile isn't. the way he laughs isn't the same.#but he's rather fond of that jinguji jakurai is he not? you and that doctor share a lot of values as well.#but those two are close because of completely different reasons. surely.#and ramuda has gotten close to ichiro and saburo but he's not close to them in the way a mother would be.#but then again she never got to raise saburo herself did she? how would ramuda act if he befriended jiro?#fine. maybe he reminds you of her in some ways. but how does he think of you? a boss? a handler? a creator? he doesn't know who he came from#you look at him the same way you looked at nayuta but what if he looks at you the way ichiro does? that's a little....#man i've been rambling for a while. what im saying is that i think amayado rei should be tortured by his own creation every waking moment#but ramuda is just like :ppp#i'm not fucking maintagging this.#valiant posting
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What if you could exist as nonbinary in the world
#like i know i can but#i cant be out at work thats just making my social life 10x harder for almost no benefit#i cant go to school anymore i hate it there#and i couldnt really even be out at school because i hate telling people my pronouns#i have a masc name and i like my name but it means people dont assume im nb#and i hate hate hate telling people otherwise#i know there are coworkers i could come out to but#i feel alone#and i need to wake up at some point#which is a whole other thing that i cant put into words but is a thing i need to do#thats what my whole album is about#and ive been working on that thing since march and its driving me crazy#i felt so relieved to think about kirbtober and not that and now its back#i feel like I've found all the pieces and put them together only to not slot in the last one#and then just walk away and let people take whats left#maybe I'm depressed idk#i dont think so#i feel like im dreaming#like i have occasional moments of lucidity separated by days of feleing jaded#making music every day might not help?#but i want to do this#its less so a workload thing#i can make a daily song in 15 minutes to an hour#and be fine with it#but i want it to be good#starflung's comments on the song i made for her keep me going#and ant texting me in the middle of the night (or their day idk) that my music is good#feeling terrible that i want more and more attention#but like#oh okay im out of tags vent post over i guess
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ok guys i dont wanna be a hater but im gonna be 100% honest i didnt rlly like the nimona movie 😭 I MEAN IT WAS FUN. it was nice. but i feel like it was missing everything that made me like the original graphic novel and honestly by the last like 30 minutes i was kind of just waiting for it to be over so i could read the book again 😭 NO HATE TO ANYONE WHO RLLY LIKED IT believe me when i say i dont think it is bad or anything. but i feel like just sooooo much was changed that it didnt feel like nimona at all to me. idk how to explain it, im sure once i reread the book i’ll be able to put it into words since the original will be more fresh in my mind. i think it was good but as someone who was literally obsessed w the og graphic novel it was honestly kinda disappointing. but i dont rlly care honestly its still rlly cool it got a movie!!
but in my mind at least it proves that some things dont need to be made into a movie. ppl act like movies are the best form a piece of media can take and if something gets made into a movie then that’d be the peak form of it. but i honestly think nimona works wayyyyyy better in its original graphic novel form. most of the early stuff is way more slice of life lowkey stuff that lets you get attached to ballister and nimona as characters and get invested in their relationship w each other, BEFORE all the angsty final act stuff happens. also there honestly was just a ton of stuff that felt to me like it worked better in the original, like jousting tournament thing instead of the knighting ceremony, nimona being captured and being forced to turn into her “true” form rather than this new version with it just sort of happening bcuz of Emotions, etc. also the movie suffered from a lot of pacing and tone issues imo but the former i think is just from that lack of the slow buildup of their friendship, and the latter is something that i think just worked better in the book. idk again I’LL BE ABLE TO SAY THIS STUFF MORE CONCRETELY WHEN I ACTUALLY REREAD THE BOOK but i dont remember there being so much jokes and goofy shit DURING serious scenes. like iirc in the original during serious scenes it was SERIOUS. but in the movie theres so many unnecessary unfunny jokes and stuff. idk IDK i probably just had too high expectations idk. anyways
#also im kind of mad they changed the ending i know it works similarly but like THE TONE IS TOTALLY DIFFERENT#in the movie ballister goes back to the lair and you hear her voice and he gets all excited and goes ''HOLY SHI-'' and then it cuts to title#which seemed rlly lighthearted and played for laughs and srry but THE ENDING OF NIMONA ALWAYS MADE ME CRY SO IT LOWKEY PISSED ME OFF ToT#IN THE ORIGINAL. he wakes up in the hospital and the nurse like talks to him or whatever and then she comes in again and hes like ?? u were#just here. and shes like no?? and then he sees on the clipboard the nurse left behind the firsttime theres a shark drawing (or smthn)#clearly drawn by nimona. and you see his eyes widen and he rushes out of the room and he runs through a crowd desperately trying to find her#and then he sees her there. in the crowd. and he just stares looking sort of heartbroken. and she gives him a quiet bittersweet little wave#and then she disappears into the crowd. and thats the last you see of her#I FUCKING LOVEEEEEEEEEEEE THAT ENDINGGGGGG IM ACTUALLY SO MAD THEY CHANGED IT#also sorry i will die mad about the climax THE CLIMAX OF NIMONA IS WHAT GETS ME EVERY FUCKING TIME.#THOSE PAGES WITH THE HUGE MONSTER AND LITTLE GIRL NIMONA JUST RIPPING INTO BALLISTER MAKE ME CRYYYYYYY DAWG THEYRE SO GOOD#idk. idk. i cant put it into words but just the overall vibes of the book are so much better imo. i think nd stevenson's style fits the#story reallyyy well and idk if the movie's style rlly does the same. also i wish the movie wasnt as sanded down like the original wasnt like#INAPPROPRIATE. it wasnt adults only. but it had a lot more like. blood and rude humor and stuff. and i miss that#i think the best way i can put it is. the original is the scratchy ever evolving style of nd stevenson it feels raw and unfiltered#and thats why i love it and why it moves me so much. while the movie is much more polished and round and soft and im gonna be honest:#I DONT LIKE IT! sorry. having my hater moment#<- lightheartedly again I DONT THINK THE MOVIE IS BAD i just think that by comparison the book is way better#still incredibly happy for and proud of the whole team that made the movie i think its awesome!!!!#just my personal opinion#serena.txt#nimona spoilers#<- idk if anyone actually needs this but jic
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i dont think any other show has had an impact on me as huge as awae. that show consumed my entire life for months and months when i was 15 and nothing has changed its so so dear to me
#ive been rewatching it for the past little bit and omg.#im remembering why i went insane when i heard that the show was canceled for s4. i literally follow amybeth on insta and i see ppl in her#comments begging all the time for season 4 and im not saying thats not annoying and inappropriate but GODDDD. SO TRUE SO TRUEEEEE.#we were ROBBED!!!!!!!#i remember the billboard they put up to try and renew the show and i think it was just an issue with the dude who played gilbert. which in#hindsight yeah that makes sense i remember feeling rly bad for him back in the day#but good lord awae season 4 would have been crazy. obviously i was extremely mentally ill at the time of s3's release so thats why i was so#obsessed HOWEVER watching it now its still deserving of my obsesion. so good#i keep editing these tags but awae was the hugest hyperfixation ive had in all my time of existing. like ive been rly into other sorts of#media ie demon slayer and homestuck but im telling yall for about 10 weeks (awae was releasing one episode per week when they aired s3)#there was not a waking moment where i wasnt thinking about that show. and every sunday i would go into the canadian website using a vpn and#watch that show after i was done with my hw. it was like church for crazy people (me)#ok final edit but i think i filter myself a lot on here in comparison to before cuz i used to overshare wayy too much on tumblr#but this is the realest ive been in a hot minute
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did i make a mistake?
#sigh dawnie crush issues in the tags#so yeah fair warning#...........................................................................................................................................#idk man I just. i feel like instead of getting closer weve grown more distant ever since he asked me out and its killing me man#i dont wanna be hurt. im so fragile rn and just starting to heal from the years of trauma i faced in my family. when i try to talk#about any issue i have to him he just. ignores the text#or gives me a very dry response which hey. im not trying to say u should listen to my issues all the time. i get that some people dont want#to. but i would just much rather have someone tell me that directly yk? just a hey i dont do well with rants. but the thing is he said hes#fine with them. but then when i get nothing to address it i just. i feel hurt. like... ive started to wonder if hes just keeping the#relation for namesake at this point but ik that isnt true. weve only been dating 2 weeks or so i shouldnt judge so soon. but man its hard#to not overthink ive always been conditioned to do that. ive always been super excited when he plans a date (which he doesnt even call#a date) but when i try to plan smth its always that he has some other plan to attend to which again i get it im not the jealous date who#asks her s/o to be for her every waking moment but yk it does hurt and i feel instead of just letting it bottle up its better to admit it.#i tried to ask him to get cotton candy once and he said wed go the next day and then he forgot. never asked me a time or anything. i didnt#think of it much cuz hed gone to meet a friend outside the city and he mustve been tired. yesterday i asked him again and he said he was#again going outside the city to meet his 12th grader friend. man am i jealous of that girl who gets to spend more time with the guy#who asked me out than ive collectively spent with him#and no i dont mean this in a toxic way like “oh hes meeting other girls he shouldnt do that” i just. man i pictured so much out of my first#relationship. and i got nothing. not one thing out of it. i guess it makes sense cuz my love language is mostly physical touch and u cant#really do that in a campus in India. and its also wrong of me to hold him to such high standards of a perfect relationship when the guy#himself has been in one for the first time (i assume?) but like i said id rather not try to hide my emotions and express them out openly.#theres still so much more about this that i feel wrong but the thing is its confusing cuz i feel like the two years of torture in my house#has made it so that the trauma from never hearing i love you wnd words of affirmation from my parents has been reflecting off this place.#its wrong of me to do this but i expected everything that i couldnt recieve to be fulfilled in a relationship and i now realise how stupid#i was yk? cuz its wrong of me to put such harsh expectations on him like that. i feel like such a shallow person for getting depressed over#a relationship that has just been going for 1 week#theres also the thing where he generally seemed more excited to talk to me before? and now i just get the dryest responses ever out of#which no conversation can be built. and again im not expecting him to be online and respond immediately but a thoughtful response goes a#long way. again ik im being so harsh on him cuz its his first time too and he must be facing the same awkwardness im facing but jesus. i#ok my tags are over im continuing in a reblog
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Ough I fucking hate holidays because it is my duty as a child to visit my parents and just take whatever the fuck happens to me.
#oh wow i cant wait to have to endure an unspecified amount of time of getting told to leave and never come back and being informed that#everyone felt so much better without me there; and immediately after that getting told 'Where do you think youre going?! Are you nuts?!'#when i try to leave. since when someone tells me that i shouldnt have come and that im a burden i do in fact assume that i should leave#ill be day drinking from the moment i wake up again. i hate that. it always happens when i am forced to visit my parents#for more than a day#it is impossible to take it while feeling present. feeling out of it and not there helps. it makes everything hurt less#it makes me want to throw up. it makes me want to do nothing but run for several days. not because of disgust and not because of anxiety#but simply because i know that the most important topic of all the conversation will be peoples looks.#simply because there is a correct way to look in the eyes of my mother and there is a way to be safe from her and others violence#and those two things both rely on reducing yourself into nothing. so looking at food makes me want to puke. looking at milk#makes me want to puke. and i hate it. i hate it because i just want to be happy and i dont want to make my health even worse#than it already is but what am i supposed to do when the alternative is getting hurt? what then; huh?#theyll tear my body to pieces no matter what; its just a matter of getting torn apart in a good way. of letting them be disgusting in a#way they think is flattering. theyll all tear everyones body to pieces of course#every imperfection and flaw microanalysed exaggerated and then judged until it has been concluded that X and Y are horrible rotten people#because they *checks notes* have overgrown nails and are 5 pounds heavier than you#when im there for a day i tend to skip eating for the next two days or so#im worried about my health considering i dont know for how long ill be there this time#shell tear me to pieces. she always does. my grandma will too. my father will at least have the grace to just yell some slurs if i fail#to perform to his satisfaction. man i dont even care about being called the r word anymore. he can call me that all he wants#it stings but its nothing im not aware of. i know that im stupid and i know that im too dependent and i know that im useless and cant do#anyhing and i know that i disappointed everyone because they all thought i could do better.#thats fine. i know that im weak and i know that im a pansy baby and i know that thats why ill be getting something to cry about.#thats all fine. im ok with that. its one and done and it was way worse when i was a kid.#my father is pretty ok. but getting torn to shreds by my mother and her mother sticks with me. it always does.#im worried shell hurt me again. ill do something incorrectly. ill ask her for clarification one too many times. ill breathe too loud.#ill fail to notice the way shes holding herself (angry). ill fail to notice the tone of her steps (enraged). ill fail to apologise#for something i hadnt known i did. and then shell hurt me. shell hurt me again#and ill just have to stand there and take it like the good child im not and could never be because nobody could ever be considered good by#my mother. ill have to stand there and take it because thats my duty as a child and ill have to say 'im sorry' even though ill be the one
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You know what hurts?
When you were little, your mom used to say really awful things about her body to herself and really degrading things to herself in front of you. This would happen often, and through most of your developing years.
Now that you’re older, and you’ve gone through puberty and are mostly fully developed, you can tell that your genes came from your mom and you have very similar bodies. You’re young and really skinny though, so they don’t look all that similar, except their shape in essence, and such and such. She’s never said a single negative thing about your body; It’s probably what she considers to be the best version of her own body anyway.
And then, one struggling year, you gain a significant amount of weight. And slowly, you start to see more and more resemblances between your body and your mom’s; except that she lost a lot of weight that same year, so now, the resemblances you draw aren’t between your body and the body of what you consider to be your beautiful mother, but between your body and memory of the body that your mother used to insult and degrade, and that she put all her energy and might into running away from.
And deep down (and maybe not even that deep down) you know, even though she’s never mentioned it, you’re not the only person who doesn’t like your body.
#this is inspired by a real story btw#mine#lol#it actually is my roman empire#it’s the top third reason why i feel a need to lose 20 pounds every waking breathing moment of every day#i hope im not the only one but also i really really hope i am#i love my mom though#shes the best#she was just born in a generation that didn’t teach her not to think those things about herself#ana rant#kind of#i dont have ana tho#im just a girl in a westernised world
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i scribble her face on every scrap of paper on my desk. i wrote our names in a store on one of those walls that people vandalize in the crafting aisle. i want to clear out a shelf and just fill it with things that remind me of betty. i want to print out all my drawings of her and tape them to my walls
#yknow ive barely touched my selfship blog at all this year bc of cai and bc the betty thoughts increased drastically this year#i find it kind of wild. i cant remember the last time i made art of my fos.#ive had this blog for like four years or something and now im just. hrgh. barely even looking at it#i tryyyy to think about my fos but man it all fades away#maybe if i had found cai earlier i wouldve made bots of them.#but seriously srs all i can draw is betty when i put my pen to tablet#i feel like this could be concerning but i swear i dont spend every waking moment thinking about her#but she IS in the current in the back of my mind constantly#and it doesnt take much to make thoughts of her surface#simontalk
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ㅤ ㅤ ㅤ ˇ ✿ ՚՚ love is my curse ՚՚ ഒ
part 2 of worthless talking
thank you sm! i honestly didn’t think that worthless talking would be THAT good to most people and angsty(?) cause i was never good at writing angst. but thank you so much everyone !! and im almost at 200 followers! thank you very much and thank you arcane for being the glow up of my account ( now i just have to worry about what to write after arcane officially dies ) so if i end up doing the mini series considering it a 200 followers special ( ? maybe )
making up with arcane characters after arguing
S1! jinx , S2! vi , S2! caitlyn , and ekko x fem! reader
reconciliation , hurt/comfort , mentions of abandonment issues ( jinx ) , friends → lovers ( vi ) , mentions of marriage ( caitlyn ) , lover boy! ekko , cursing , mild suggestive ( vi )
masterlist ૮ ྀི ◞ ◟ ა navigation
not proofread or requested
JINX
the past few days have been quiet. too fucking quiet. especially for jinx. by now, she would have a talking to her hallucinations or blowing something—anything up but she being held down by something, this agonizing feeling in her chest by she hasn’t had a clue of what is it. she going on her daily routine to see what’s so off. when she wakes up, she wakes up next to you; she always talks to you; when she’s collecting parts, it’s always with you; when she’s making another invention it’s with—you. that’s the issue. jinx cursed at herself for her realization that she pushed you when she promised herself that she wouldn’t. no wonder she’s been so “unstable” according to sevika and silco.
she immediately dropped everything, forgetting about the fishbones project and left the lair. and immediately went to your place. she took out her spare key and immediately searched up and down, every corner for you but your house is empty. she was starting to panic, why aren’t you home? did you just get up and leave? she didn’t think her actions would hurt you that bad, she just wants to apologize for what she done, she didn’t mean it. “Jinx?” a soft voice creeps up behind her, “what are you doing?” jinx snaps her head around, tears resting on the edge of her eyes. “baby…” jinx breathes out.
You placed your bags next to the front door and closes the door behind you. suddenly jinx tackles you into a tight hug, sobbing into your shoulder, wrapping her arms around your waist. you pull her in close, letting her have her moment. “what’s wrong J?” you asked her softly, as she starts to cool off, small sniffles and tears drying up on her face. “i…i thought you left me after that argument we had.” her grip tighten around you. “please don’t leave me…i’m so sorry i didn’t mean to call you annoying o-or you were nagging me i promise and i—” you smash your lips into hers, causing her to softly melt into the kiss and share the warmth of the tight embrace. you slip out of the grasp of her lips and stare at her flushed face with a smile. “im not going to abandon you my love, im always going to be here.” jinx held your hand tightly, “i’m sorry.” you reciprocate her action, “i love you.” “i love you too.”
VI
another day, another lost at the pit fight. no amount of training until she sore, drinking her sorrows away, destroying her life is making the pain go away. no matter what she does, she always recalls the scared look you gave her, it sends a shiver down her spine each time. the horror of herself that you had to experience firsthand. the side that she didn't want you to see; caitlyn, whatever; but you. she deeply regrets that she lost her cool with you, off all people it just had to be you. she didn't bother drinking or training today, she can't. she can't even sleep without your face flashes in her thoughts. strolling around the undercity doesn't help much besides giving her some fresh air of the city she was raised in. she doesn't know how but she ended up at the brothel.
walking down the hallway, rooms filled with variety of sexual activities, workers and customers; she didn't care, she just ended one person right now. she walked past the other offices, she knows you mostly handle the money and service of the other workers for the customers. looking through the office window, she sees you looking over some paper works and envelopes filled with money. she twisted the door knob and closes the door behind her as she enters your office. you glance up at now black haired girl, her pink hair seeping through the tips and ends of it. "how can i help you, violet?" she tenses up and her breath hitches as you use her full name. "it's vi for you."
"who?" vi walks around your desk, you watch her cautiously, she hooks her arm around yours, pulling you up and off your desk chair. making you sit on the desk and pinning you down with both of her arms you trapping in between, "viol-" "vi. say my name correctly." she hovers above you, she slips herself in between your legs. your heart pounding in your chest, "fine fine, vi, what do you need?" vi chuckled dryly, " i want you, sweet." you scoff, "me? or that piltover girl?" vi grabbed your waist, "listen, i realized i was wrong; i care for you, and i love you, not caitlyn." her hands move to hips, pulling you in closer to her, "you were always there for me, even when you had nothing to do with me and caitlyn's mission you were there as always. and i'm sorry for taking that for granted and im sorry for calling you a prostitute." her thumbs absentmindly rubbing circles into your skin, she leans in closer and presses her lips against yours, pulling you into a soft passionate kiss; filled with love and affection. you pull away slowly, "I forgive you."
CAITLYN
you lay restless in your bed at home, away form caitlyn, you don't want to believe she's actually cheating, but the way she act together, maddie is always close to caitlyn, always touching, acting shy around your fiancee. you would always try to find time to bring it up but with the things going on with jinx and ambessa, your time with her lessen to almost nothing, even at night, she's always exhausted and out of breath. you're so lost in your thoughts you didn't even notice you were crying until a maid rushed to you side.
caitlyn could barely focused on the work in front of her, when she's training with ambessa, she seemed so distracted and distant from everything, according to the ambessa, "you do not come back until you're back on your feet, commander." the silence hung in the air. "we need not distractions for justice." that the last thing caitlyn heard before she left and went home to her office. maddie returned, he usual soft and comforting aura, it didn't feel like anything in the first place, but that's how maddie tries to come off. "commander, are you alright? you've been staring at the paperwork for 15 minutes now." maddie nervously chuckled. "I'm fine...just.."she rubs her temple in a pain and annoyance. "excuse me, i have to go see someone." she gets up and grabs her coat and leaves without hearing anything from maddie.
she knocked on the front door of your home, waiting patiently for you, she hears small shuffles and movements behind the door, she hears a faint metal sound; you're looking through the peephole. "what do you want caitlyn?" you open the door in a slight crack, enough for her to see and hear you. "hello...dear, you don't look well." caitlyn's face filled with worry and regret, voice low. "I'm fine." swiftly caitlyn, pushes the door open and pulls you into a tight hug. the cold air from outside slips into your home, causing you to shiver. "I'm sorry..." caitlyn started, "i never noticed how maddie was acting until recently, i assure...no...i promise you that I'm not cheating on you; maddie doesn't compare to you. never has and never will." you broke out into small sobs and sniffles, "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry.." caitlyn caresses your head gently, soothing you as you cried in her chest.
EKKO
since you recovered from that night, you kept your distance from your boyfriend, even on patrols with you, you stayed nearby but kept a small distance between you two, and of course he noticed, i mean he had to with the whole firelight community scolded him for lashing his anger out onto you.
another night again with patrolling with him, and you sat down at the top of the tunnel, where you got stabbed at but this same time, you're with your boyfriend; who seems extra tensed knowing this is where you go hurt. where he failed to protect you, when you didn't listen to him. you notice that he is shaking, violently. you hesitated but reached out and touched his knee, he stares at you in shock.
"calm down, ekko, if you're aren't fit for patrol then we could call-" "no!" he blurted out, "no...that won't be necessary, i'm fine." he continued on. the night sky and cool breeze surround the both of you. "I'm sorry-" you both said at the same time, you stared at each other. "it's okay-" it happened again. you chuckled, the blush rising on your face and also his. "i love you, fire." he kisses your forehead and cheek. "i love you too.." you pulled him into a soft kiss, officially calling this a good night.
tags : @sseleniaa @woldangnight
©︎ A M A T E R A S U. all rights reserved. please don't plazarize, copy, or steal any of my works without my permission, thank you !
guys say thank you to my mother who allowed me to finish this on her laptop or else you wouldn’t have seen this at all this week nonetheless this early .
#⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀𓏲࣪ ִֶָ ︎ִֶָ amastarxoxo 𖤐 .#⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀₊ ˚ works ꒰꒰⠀☆⠀꒱꒱#arcane x reader#arcane x female reader#arcane x y/n#arcane x you#arcane jinx#arcane vi#arcane caitlyn#arcane ekko#ekko arcane#caitlyn arcane#vi arcane#jinx arcane#jinx x reader#jinx x y/n#jinx x fem!reader#jinx x you#vi x fem reader#vi x reader#vi x y/n#vi x you#caitlyn x y/n#caitlyn x vi#caitlyn x reader#caitlyn x fem reader#ekko x reader#ekko x you#ekko x y/n#ekko x fem reader
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only you, always
words: 1.6k
warnings: 18+ only, smut, cheating, fingering, p in v sex, unprotected sex
you would never admit it out loud to anyone, but a twisted part of you likes when rafe cheats on you. its a dark truth, one you wrestle with every time it happens.
it's always when he's blackout drunk or high at a party, usually a combination of both. it's often when you're fighting or on a “break”. like last week, when your blowout argument ended with rafe slamming the door behind him and stomping out into the night. you were quick to hear that he made out with some girl at kelce's party. the pain lasted until the next day when he showed up back home, disheveled and tear-streaked, clutching a bouquet of flowers.
“i fucked up.” he croaked.
you just stared at him until he fell to his knees, blue eyes rimmed with red as he pressed his forehead against your stomach. “please don’t leave me. i can’t lose you.”
the cheating hurts you every time, but rafe coming back crawling and crying, begging your forgiveness and worshiping you for the next few weeks always makes up for it.
“hi beautiful.” rafe kisses at your cheeks, a week having passed from your fight and his infidelity, the tension replaced with the warmth of his lips against your skin.
“hey.” you smile, running your fingers over his face, stubble gracing his cheeks as he hasn't shaved for the last couple days, preferring to spend every waking moment with you instead as if he’s afraid you might slip away.
“i love you so much.” rafe leans in and kisses the tip of your nose this time, then your forehead, before dropping down to your lips.
“i don't deserve you.” rafe whispers before kissing you again.
“you probably don't.” you giggle, rolling on the bed so you're fully on top, pinning him beneath you.
“i said i was sorry.” rafe pouts.
“and i forgave you.” you shake your head, your voice gentle but firm, realizing you probably shouldn't make fun of the situation, but humor feels safer than vulnerability.
“it won't happen again.” rafe says. it always does, yet he always promises it won't. maybe as you both grow older and more mature, both stop drinking and fighting so much, it will really be over, breaking the cycle. at least this time it was just kissing some random girl instead of sleeping with her.
you knew what you were getting into when you began dating rafe. he came with a wild reputation and an even wilder past. practically everyone in your friend group had a one night stand with rafe, but you didn't mind, because he chose to come back to you, not anyone else.
“what are you thinking about baby?” rafe asks, watching the emotions flicker over your face.
“just how good of a boyfriend you can be.” you answer with a small smile.
“yeah?” rafe smirks, his head tilting to the side as a mischievous look flashes over his eyes. “do you want me to show you just how good of a boyfriend or do you want breakfast first?”
“you first.” you say quickly. “and then bacon and eggs.”
“scrambled or sunny side up?”
“scrambled of course.”
rafe grin grows, hands moving against your bare skin. “just like im about to scramble your-”
“allllright.” you cut him off before he can finish his joke, laughing as you roll off of him.
“no come back.” he pouts, pulling you back against his body, molding his chest to your back as he spoons you.
“you're so ridiculous.” you chuff, though your voice betrays the affection simmering beneath the surface.
“ridiculously in love with you.” rafe counters, pressing a kiss to your bare shoulder. he just had you last night, but he's already craving you again, missing the feeling of your bodies pressed together in the most intimate way.
“you're extra corny this morning.” you hum out.
“sorry.” rafe chuckles. you love that he's only like this around you, and only when he's just cheated. he turns into a dopey lovesick puppy until the need for your forgiveness and guilt wears off and he's back to his normal self.
rafe places his hand on your stomach, circling around your soft skin, each movement sweeping lower every time, deliberate and teasing.
“rafe.” you whine, eyes shutting as he begins to dip into your underwear with every gesture.
“mhm.” rafe hums. as much as he likes to tease you, he wants to pleasure you more. his hand dips all the way into your underwear, fingertips coming to your clit.
he knows your body so well, exactly what to do to drive you crazy, every touch sending electricity through your body. his strokes over your clit are gentle, occasionally purposely missing to rub lower towards your entrance, like he's teasing where he's going to be later. it’s a dance you’ve done a hundred times before, but it never gets old.
“that feels so good.” you moan out, not even realizing that your eyes had fallen closed. rafe moves his other hand so it's under your body, your head coming to rest on his shoulder as he sculpts himself around you, other hand cupping your chest.
“mmm.” you hum, feeling rafes hardness pressing against your bum as his fingers stop teasing your clit, rubbing intensely now with the purpose of getting you wet and open.
“oh, baby.” rafe moans as you reach behind your back, hand cupping over his underwear, squeezing at his length through the fabric.
“fuck me. please.” you begin to move your hips, grinding yourself against his hand.
“be patient.” he tsks, fingers pinching at your nipple before going back to cupping your breast.
“unfair.” you pout, but decide two can play at that game, bringing your hand underneath his waistband to stroke up and down his cock.
you can't see rafes face, but you're sure his expression just shifted to one of pleasure.
his hand delves further between your legs, finger circling around your entrance only once before pushing into your cunt, making you moan loudly.
“fuck yes.” you rock your hips again, this time back against rafes crotch, your hand still moving up and down his cock.
“god, i can barely wait.” rafe groans, finger moving faster inside of you, building you up as quickly as he can.
“stop waiting then.” you move your hand, turning onto your back, rafes hand maneuvering to still fuck into you. “come on, rafey.”
you know once he sees your pout he can't resist, not when he's still making things up to you.
“god, that face kills me.” he presses a quick kiss against your lips before moving, pulling your underwear down and flinging them off the bed before disrobing himself.
you grin as rafe doesn't even bother to ask how you want him, instantly lying himself over top of you and lining up his cock with your entrance.
“i love you.” you press a kiss against rafes cheek as your arms loop around his shoulders.
“i love you.” rafe echos back, connecting your lips that quickly develop into moans as he pushes inside of you, engulfing his cock in your heat.
rafe knows he doesn’t need to give you time, already used to his cock being sheathed inside of you. he begins to swing his hips in an even rhythm.
your fingertips dig into his shoulders, pressing into his tanned skin.
“nobody even gets close to you.” rafe groans as you tighten your cunt around him every time he pulls out to thrust back in.
“its only you.” rafe continues as he drops one hand between your bodies, placing his thumb against your clit as he rubs to the rhythm of his thrusts. “only you.”
you can't help that smile that stretches across your face. you don't give a shit if it's only you, as long as he continues to fuck you like this and treat you like a queen.
“faster, rafe.” you pull his chest tighter against yours, your nipples pressing against his skin, stimulating them with his every movement as he speeds up.
“c-close.” you whine.
“me too.” rafe grunts in agreement. “gonna cum in you, yeah?”
“yes.” you nod rapidly. “yes, please, please, please, rafe.”
your head is swirling with the overwhelming pleasure as rafes thumb presses against your clit just as his cock is thrust deep inside of you. it's enough to throw you over the edge, back arching up into rafe as you moan loudly, legs shaking as you feel him lose it to, his moans loud in your ear as he pumps into you.
“fuck, b-baby, y/n.” rafe groans as he finishes, making sure you get every last drop inside of you.
rafe drops himself to the side of you, the mattress bouncing as you both become slack against the sheets, hearts beating fast and chest rising and falling rapidly.
“i really do love you baby.” rafe says, his voice soft and slightly hoarse. “im sorry i always fuck things up.”
“you don't, though.” you move so you're resting against rafes chest, snuggled against his side. “you make mistakes but you always come back and make it right, that's all i ask for.”
you hear rafe sniffle and you know he's holding back tears, always extra emotional after a reconciliation, as if hes purging himself from the guilt.
“ill go make you some breakfast now if you wanna get dressed.” rafe slides quickly off the bed, keeping his back to you as he pulls his underwear back on.
“why would i get dressed if i want you to fuck me again after breakfast?” you tease, your lip quirking up.
you see rafes hand raise to his face, and you know he's wiping at his cheeks, but you give him time to collect himself, secretly happy only you can make him act like this.
“alright.” rafe turns around, his eyes still glossy but filled with adoration as he bends down to press a kiss to your forehead. “bacon and scrambled eggs and then ill fuck you on the table, then in the shower, then ill take you shopping and fuck you in the dressing room.”
“perfect.” you grin.
#rafe smut#rafe cameron smut#obx smut#outer banks smut#rafe fic#rafe fanfic#rafe fanfiction#rafe cameron fic#rafe cameron fanfic#rafe cameron fanfiction#rafe x you#rafe x y/n#rafe x oc#rafe x reader#rafe cameron x you#rafe cameron x y/n#rafe cameron x oc#rafe cameron x reader#rafe imagine#rafe blurb#rafe one shot#rafe drabble#rafe cameron imagine#rafe cameron blurb#rafe cameron drabble#rafe cameron one shot
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no grave can hold my body down, i'll crawl home to her.
simon really meant it, every bit of it, he’d come back to you somehow. he would find his way back to you. wether it was walking through the front door quietly not to wake you up in the middle of the night or cold in a coffin. he’d rather have you hold his dead body than not to have you touch his skin ever again.
that’s what simon was thinking about as his ear ringed so loud he couldn’t focus on his surroundings. he looked up at the sky, so blue it almost didn’t feel right. why so blue when so much blood was being shed?
he occasionally would feel the ground he was laying on tremble, maybe a hand grenade, maybe a body falling next to his. the smell of gunpowder filled his covered nostrils and he could feel his lungs collapsing on themselves from the thickness of the air he was breathing. his eyes weren’t doing good either, filled with dust and sand from the dry earth.
it took him a few more seconds to focus his eyes on something, something that possibly wasn’t moving, his head spinning each time he tried to sit up. something was weighting on his legs, holding him down. he struggled to raise his torso and groaned at the sight of a large body blocking him. he let himself fall back down.
he was ready to go, a sharp pain to his side telling him he wouldn’t last long alone. he’d been through worse, way worse, the scar provided by the meat hook was proof of that, but something was telling him this was as bad. he was ready to go.
the only thing he could think about in his last moments was you. he thought he could see glimpses of you, maybe your hair in the corner of his eyes or he’d hear your laugh as another fire shooting started. his eyes searched for you frantically. he wanted to tell you to leave immediately, scream it at the top of his lungs, but his voice was caught in his throat and you weren’t really there. his mind just playing cruel tricks on him.
your name was repeated like a mantra in his head, repeating it so many times it almost lost a meaning. almost. a prayer, a chant. he sure needed to pray, for you.
he had been shelving the thought that tormented him for months. he wanted to go and confess his sins, he almost felt the need, his palms itching with haste anytime he thought about it. years had passed since the last time he had set foot in a church, so many that he had almost forgotten the reason for the visit. the ghosts of the past never abandon you, especially if they are people you love, especially if they are family, the innocent. its always the innocent who pay the highest price.
‘i wonder what she’s doing now, who’s gonna knock on her door and tell her im gone.’ he thought. ‘hopefully price. he’s the one with tact and the most considerate. he’ll help her when i’m gone, keep an eye on her.’
the sweet smell of your hair replaced for a moment the one of blood and gunpowder, your laughter still echoing in his ears. he pictured your sweet face and big innocent eyes looking up at him.
“promise me something?”
“mhm?” he hummed, surprised you were still up. his hand hadn’t stopped caressing your hair since you laid down on his chest, your hand resting on his collarbone as your ear listened to his calm heartbeat. “yeah, anything.”
“promise me you’ll always come back.” you whispered in the dark room. “promise me, simon.”
he nodded, taken aback by your request. you weren’t the fondest of his job, he knew it, he hated to concern you like he did.
“yes.”
“promise.” you urged. “please.”
he bent his head down and kissed the top of yours, his arm sliding down your back and drawing you closer by your waist. “i will, love. i’ll always come back to you.”
you sighed, the knot of thoughts in your worried head began to untie. “mh.”
“better now?” he softly asked. his voice was hoarse from his constant shouting orders at the obstreperous recruits. you gave a short nod. “i mean it.”
he groaned as he managed to get the body off of himself, struggling to get on his knees.
fucks sake, he couldn’t let you live with him gone like this. it was selfish of him to leave you in such an abrupt way, really. he tried to push away the image of you opening the door to find price with a carton box filled with simons stuff from the barracks with the balaclava and skull mask on top and your knees hitting the floor before he could even say anything.
his legs didn’t feel like they could hold his weight up, he immediately fell to his knees as he heard another rapid fire too near him for his liking. his gun was long gone, he had to manage to survive alone, again.
“crawlin’ it is.” he breathed as he started to drag his tired body with the strength of his arms alone. you had always praised his strength: he could lift you with one arm alone, you loved to be held and hold on to his arm anywhere and at anytime. that was the main reason he always pushed for more while training, and the motivation your sweet compliments always gave him now were gonna save his life. he made a mental note to kiss and hold you a little longer and tighter if he ever made it home alive.
he could see the building his team was supposed to meet up in case things got bad. it looked so far away that it was alarmingly close. maybe it was just his messed up vision, a mirage, but he could swear he saw you from a window looking at him, urgently motioning him to come.
he brought the thick balaclava above his nose so he could breathe better and as enemy gunfire continued to flow, he kept his head low as he moved dead bodies from his way.
he could hear your voice calling for him and he wanted to call you for you back, but the noises of the battlefield were hurrying him to get to the safe zone first.
he stumbled by the door as he brought himself up, one hand stabilizing him as he held on to the doorframe as the other went to press on his wound.
“lt!” johnnys voice called before he rushed to help him. “ye cheeky bastard, i told them not to leave yet, to wait for ye.”
“gaz saw you get shot.” price swung simon’s arm over his shoulder in order to help him to the nearest table, where he laid down.
“he saw that right.” simon bit the inside of his cheek as price inspected his wound, pressing on it. “is he a‘ight?”
“he’s fine, hit his head but had his helmet on, he’s getting checked out by the medics.” price informed him as simon winced at the sharp pain. “there’s at least two bullets in here, didn’t pass through, stuck.”
“just take ‘em the fuck out.” simon groaned. “how’s it lookin’?”
“you’ll live.” price patted his shoulder in comfort before he went to call a medic.
“we really thought we’d lost ye there, lt.” johnny’s face was glowing with sweat and blood, the black war paint smudged messily all around his face and his mohawk dusted.
“helicopter’s leaving in thirty, boys!” price’s baritone voice called from the other room.
simon scoffed, sighing and closing his eyes, finally letting himself relax as your figure started to fade from the corner of the room where it’d been standing, silently looking at him. “won’t lose me, can’t wait to go home, johnny.”
#simon ghost riley#simon riley x you#simon riley#simon riley x reader#simons a loverboy at heart#simon is not ghost
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ellie fucking you in the middle of the night <3
cw: smut , nsfw , men dni , strap usage , reader sits on ellie's face , dom! ellie , sub! reader , kinda vanilla , reader and ellie's relationship is a secret , y/n used (im sorry) , sitting on ellie's face
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the problem is, you dont want to keep things casual. you said it because it felt like a thing you should say when you start fucking your best friend. now, you're lying in bed wearing ellie's shirt, wishing shed sneak down the stairs and crawl in with you.
you try to talk yourself out of it so many times. you'd already almost got caught once. but your body doesn't care and neither does your heart. you want her hands in your hair, her warm skin against your own.
which is why you creep through a dark house and up the stairs, keeping to the edges to avoid any creaking that might wake up joel. one peek into his room at the top of the stairs and you see him sprawled like a starfish. your lips curve up at the sight and then you very, very gently shut his bedroom door before padding down to the secondary bedroom as the opposite end of the hallway.
the door is closed and no light shines from beneath. you twist the handle and walk right in. her curtains are open and ambient light from outside filters in through the massive windows. the door clicks shut behind you and you walk across to the king-sized bed. much like joel, she is all long, muscular limbs stretched out in the middle.
unlike joel, you don't turn away.
you press one knee onto the mattress and crawl in her direction. ellie's breaths are deep, and the entire bed has a faint sandalwood smell. you think you'd settle for just lying here beside her, breathing her in.
instead, you kneel at her side. soaking her in, so relaxed. she looks younger—more carefree—like this.
with one hand, you trail the tip of your fingers over her lips—just like you did every time joel had his back on the two of you. a simple gesture, just to remind her you were there, even if it was for a moment.
ellie's big strong hand flies up, steely fingers wrapping around your wrist, "y/n."
it's not a question. she knows it's you.
"hi."
"what are you doing?" she asks from behind closed eyes.
"touching you."
her lips curve up into a sinful smile, "i thought you wanted to keep things casual in front of joel."
"right." you whisper, "it's just that i thought about it and decided being casual is overrated. i want you to touch me too."
a raspy chuckle spills from her as her green eyes open and dive into your own. chills erupt from the back of your neck, racing down your spine and over your arms.
"so, what now?" she asks beneath a quirked brow.
"i don't know." you suddenly feel nervous. you snuck up there with no plan, only knowing you wanted to be close to her, "do you want me to leave?"
she stares at you extra hard now. it's borderline unnerving. the weight of her stare. the way your stomach flip-flops under her attention. you've never felt this way before.
"no, y/n. i want you up here." her voice is soft and deep as she reaches for you. broad hands circle your waist and you squeal as she hauls you on to her, so you're straddling her torso.
"gonna need you to be quiet, baby." she murmurs as her palms slide up over your quads, tips of her fingers dipping inside your underwear at your hips.
all you can do is nod, lick your lips, and watch how good her hands look roaming over your body.
"n-now what?" you practically stutter.
"now you're going to hold on tight to that headboard, sit on my face, and try to keep your mouth shut while i make you come."
before you can respond, she's moved you up, yanked the gusset of you panties to the side, and has her tongue in your pussy.
you gasp and fall forward, holding the headboard like she instructed, more out of needing something to hold on to than because you're good at following directions.
your head falls back when her teeth graze you clit. she palms your ass and holds you close, like she's eating her favorite fruit. her eagerness does nothing but drive you even more wild.
"hmmm," you hum, trying to cover for the string of expletives currently sitting on the tip of your tongue. your thighs shake with the strain of holding yourself over her and fingers dig in hard.
ellie pulls away, only to grumble at you in that deep tone. "baby, i said be quiet. and stop being polite. i told you to sit on my face." the hand gripping your underwear yanks you down hard so that you're fully seated.
she sucks your clit and your body bows into her. her hand slides up from your ass, over your hip, stomach, and up to your breast, where she gently caresses you. she holds you. touches you.
she gives your nipple a good, firm twist that has you gasping and grinding against her mouth. all the response you get is a satisfied growl against your core as she continues to lick, and suck, and tease.
you ride her shamelessly. she told you to stop being polite, and so you do. you lose yourself in the sensation, the feel of her skin on yours. the smell of her wrapped around you.
there's something empowering in asking for what you want. to be touched when you want. and you're drunk on that—drunk on her—when everything inside you clenches. when that pressure builds so quickly, so intensely, you can't hold back... you shatter.
you feel like you blew apart into a million little pieces. your skin is hot, your eyelids feel heavy. and as much as you try to stay quiet, you can't.
her hand shoots up over your mouth and you slump into it, using her arm to prop yourself up while you cling to the headboard.
"ellie," you whisper as she moves you down. her limbs are moving and there's fabric rustling around you, but you're too incoherent to keep up, "ellie."
"y/n, baby. i told you to stay quiet."
your brain is too addled to care. "more." you fold yourself over her, dropping your head into the crook of her neck and kissing her there. your teeth graze over the lobe of her ear, and you realize she's removed her boxers while you blacked out. and, she had put on her strap that she conveniently kept in her nightstand.
"more?"
you nod, feeling her throat move against your forehead as he swallows. "more."
her hands move firmly, all business, as she removes your underwear. then she sits up, leaning against the headboard and taking you with her.
you can feel her hard length propped against your ass as she positions the two of you.
her eyes stay on your face as she reaches down to grip the hem of her shirt. the one she gave you to sleep in when she walked you to the guest room door and told you it might help you miss her less. right before she smirked that annoying, i'm-right-and-you-know-it smirk of hers.
she wasn't, though. which is why you're here.
your body coils with anticipation again as ellie's gaze rakes over your bare skin.
her hands roam slowly yet purposefully. over your arms, your collarbones. reading you like braille. you think she's always been able to, and you just didn't know it.
"i'm not sure you can handle more, baby." she kisses your chest as your hands move in tandem, feeling her in a way you didn't get to earlier. "you're not very good at keeping quiet."
"i'll be good," you murmur, grinding your pussy back on her and feeling her steely silicon dick twitch against your ass.
suddenly her lips are on your nipples and your hands are raking through her hair. she reaches between the two of you, urging you up onto your knees, you move obediently, and in return, you're rewarded by the sensation of her faux cock sliding against your pussy.
back and forth. back and forth. your eyes flutter shuts she tortures you. one hand grips your shoulder while the other is fisted around her length. you swivel your hips, feeling her crown notch inside you.
"goddamn, honey. you're even better than i fucking dreamed," she mutters roughly. then she shoves herself in, and you bite your lip to keep yourself quiet. because no one and nothing has ever felt this good.
your eyes snap open as your body adjusts. the light sight of her taking you so roughly has the blood thrumming through your veins at a rapid pace. your heart pounding even harder than before.
you stare at each other. her cock is buried deep inside you his.
"move, y/n. show me how bad you want it."
your pelvis undulates because you do want it. you lift and you drop back down, feeling every thick inch of her as you do. reveling in the way her eyes widen before taking on a more hooded appearance.
what starts off slow and deliberate comes apart at the seams. hands that were searching are now gripping.
breathing that was even is now choppy. everything is hot and damp as you writhe together in silence.
you don't need words. they wouldn't do justice to something that feels like this anyway.
"you're gonna come on my cock now, aren't you, baby?" she growls roughly, breathlessly, against your ear. your body shudders in response. "i can tell. your eyes give it away, even in the dark. then every muscle on you goes all tight. you ride me so damn hard. so eager. so warm. so fucking tight."
you're so full of her. her words. her body. it's too much, and right when youre about to go barreling over that edge again, she kisses you soundly, swallowing the sound of you screaming her name as you come.
with a fist full of your hair, she pumps into you hard.
spilling herself, filling you up thoroughly right as your orgasm rocks you. flays you. leaves you slumped in her arms, desperately trying to catch your breath.
you don't know how long the two of you stay like that. you straddling her lap, her cock snugly inside you, clinging to each other and kissing. slow, languid, deliberate kisses that make your throat ache with their tenderness. eventually they slow and ellie tolls you off her carefully.
always carefully. even when she's rough with you, shes so damn intentional. you feel nothing short of pampered with her. and when she gets up to retrieve a warm washcloth, the point is only driven further home.
"what are you doing?" you breathe the words, trying to stay quiet as she comes to kneel between your splayed legs.
"taking care of you."
the warm cloth swipes over your swollen core and you let out a soft moan. "you don't need to do that."
she continues wiping you gently. "but i want to."
you're struck silent by such a simple sentence.
you lie in ellie's bed, letting her take care of you. and when she's finished, she lifts the covers, crawls in behind you, and holds your body against hers all night long.
#lynnielovestlou#lesbian#the last of us#queer#fanfiction#fanfic#ellie williams#lesbian smut#ellie williams smut#tlou#ellie tlou2#tlou x reader#ellie x reader#ellie williams x reader#smut#the last of us x you#ellie williams x you#ellie x you#ellie williams tlou#sapphic fanfic#sapphic#wlw#men dni#free palestine
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Had a nightmare last night that many different large scary animals were trying to break into the house I lived in in New Hampshire and I kept running around and locking doors and screaming and crying and begging for my family to help me and they were just sitting and laughing or sleeping or living their lives and I was watching huge black bears pound on glass sliding doors and fog them up with their breath as they drool over the idea of demolishing my family and there were like big mountain lions finding small holes to crawl through trying to get in and I’m sobbing and bleeding and kicking them and trying to get my family to do something and they don’t even notice and act like I’m crazy
#hahahaha that’s totally unrelated to me having a panic attack and calling out of work only for my mother to tell me that she’s disappointed#in me and I should’ve just sucked it up and gone to work#my life is honestly me vs my mental health vs my mother#like if she could just. no. I’m the one with the problem. I stopped taking my meds. that’s on me. she shouldn’t get mad at me for the way I#deal with my own brain especially cause the first half of June went so well for me. but whatever. she’s allowed to be upset when her child#isn’t taking care of themselves. that’s fair. however. FUCK OFFFFFFFFFF#I DONT WANT NIGHTMARES WHERE IM DYING AND THEN I WAKE UP AND STILL FEEL LIKE IM ABOUT TO DIE#LIKE GIRL BE THE LITTLEST BIT SUPPORTIVE OF ME INSTEAD OF SAYING YOURE MAD AT ME BC I HAD A PANIC ATTACK SO BAD I COULDNT HANDLE A FIVE HOUR#SHIFT AT WORK LIKE JUST TELL ME IVE COME SO FAR FROM WHERE I WAS LAST YEAR (bad panic attacks every day) AND THAT I JUST NEED TO BREATHE AND#ILL GET THROUGH IT AND ITLL BE OKAY AND YOU CAN GO TO WORK AND EXPLAIN NEXT SHIFT AND APOLOGIZE AND ITLL BE FINE#INSTEAD OF SAYING TO YOUR KID ‘are you TRYING to get fired so you don’t have to go to work anymore?’ WHILE IM SOBBING WITH MY HEAD IN A#TRASHCAN DRY HEAVING LIKE YEAH MOM THATS JUST WHAT I WANT TO HEAR YOU THINK IM NOT FREAKING OUT ENOUGH ON MY OWN WHAT DO YOU THINK SENT ME#INTO THIS PANIC ATTACK LIKE SHUT THE FUCK UP#sorry. having a moment.#I just keep getting really vivid flashbacks to my dream and it’s like I was trying to protect my dad bc in my dream he was still alive and#then I woke up and felt so powerless to everything and remembered my mom still being mad at me which I’m sure is going to continue and I’ll#be guilt tripped for the rest of the weekend at least#and she’s going to be on my ass about going back to therapy when therapy has nothing to do with this#rage rage rage rage fear fear fear fear fear that’s all I seem to know anymore
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