#there was not a waking moment where i wasnt thinking about that show. and every sunday i would go into the canadian website using a vpn and

[kitnapz]

i dont think any other show has had an impact on me as huge as awae. that show consumed my entire life for months and months when i was 15 and nothing has changed its so so dear to me

[starlightazriel]

bee 4

desc: (fem reader) modern au best friends to lovers, roommate az, angsty + smutty, multiple parts

warnings: 18+, drug/alcohol abuse, angst, az being slightly violent/dark/dominating and self destructive, TOXIC MASCULINITY, girls kissing girls, adolescent fluff, reader is insecure, very light public smut, az being a hoe (I know it hurts me too)

a/n: awwww snap

wc: 3.8k

other parts can be found on my azriel masterlist

four

"Im sure you just misheard him Kat for the millionth time," I sighed heavily, peering at my reflection in Kats mirror. The past few weeks had consisted of relentless torture. First was the torture of being almost uncontrollably horny for Azriel every single waking moment of the day. Second was the torture of him not really being around since he had tattooed me. And third was the torture of Kat not leaving me alone about Azriel apparently saying that I was his when Riley and him were arguing about who was going to do my tattoo.

Az was busy. With the anniversary of the shop coming up next week and Rhys selecting him to represent the shop for the upcoming tattoo event where he would compete with the other artists around the area... He just wasnt home. I would see him quickly in the morning, we would do that thing that we did where I would try my best not to stare at his morning wood, he would smirk and give me a friendly hug goodbye that would linger for too long. And then I would watch him leave out the door.

"I didnt mishear him y/n! He said it, and he meant it! He wants you," Kat urged as she looks at both of our reflections in the mirror, she fixed my dress, smiling proudly at me. "Rhys and I talked about it, everyone can see this shit except for you," her matter of fact tone had me whirling.

"Kat what? You can't talk to his friends about this," I winced slightly, thinking about what that conversation could have looked like.

"Rhys is my friend too, you know?" She rolled her eyes at me, reaching up to fix a piece of my hair, I swatted her away. "Rhys thinks Az just cares about you, and hes not used to fucking people that he cares about so obviously Bee its going to scare him. You know what hes been through and...You two are obviously in love with each other, anyone with eyes can see that,"

"You guys need to stop talking about us behind our backs," I mumbled quietly, but her words stuck with me. The fact that Rhys had said that had to mean something, he knew Az as well as me... Maybe certain dark parts of Az better than me. "Hes not in love with me."

Of course I knew Azriel cared about me, he always had, but it had always been platonic. It made sense, of course he would be scared of leaving our comfort zone, the one place for both of us since we'd met that we could be ourselves that we didnt have to pretend or put on a show for anyone else. We had been each others safe space for years, and it wasnt like I wasnt afraid either... I was mostly just in denial after loving him for years, pining after him, watching him with gorgeous incomparable older girls and then women when we grew up. It was completely unbelievable for me to think that Azriel was actually looking at me as anything more than just the girl that moved in next store that would never leave his side.

"So then do what I say tonight and then if nothing happens I'll shut up and leave both of you alone about it for the rest of your lives!" Kat had not shut up about her plan for me to seduce Azriel and then make him so jealous that he would fly into my arms tonight while we were all out celebrating the upcoming anniversary and Azriels portfolio making the top ten best tattoo artists in the area for the event they were doing.

"Im not just going to seduce him Kat," I said the word like it was dirty as I stared back at my pathetic reflection in the mirror. I wanted to change out of the ridiculously tiny dress that she had me in. "If it happens between us I want it to be natural, I don't want to force anything," I sighed softly, repeating what I had been saying for days just in different words.

"You won't be forcing anything. It's called making the first move! Strong women have been doing it for decades," she giggled softly and I rolled my eyes at her again, giving her a look before looking back at my reflection.

"I don't even look like myself," I complained quietly, staring at myself in the mirror. The dress was tiny, she had lined my lips and put gloss on them, some fake eyelashes, blush, contour. "I look like a damn clown Kat," I grimaced wondering what Azriel would even think when he saw me. I never wore anything more than lip gloss and mascara, I felt completely ridiculous, and I also didn't know how I was going to walk in the heels she had given me.

"The sexiest clown I've ever seen," she giggled in response and hooked her arm into mine, pulling me away from the mirror.

-

When my eyes landed on Azriel at the bar my stomach churned. Dressed to impress. He wore black jeans, a black vintage looking button up t shirt with the first few buttons undone, his chains hanging on his chest, his rings on his fingers... When he wanted to he knew how to look good, and he looked so damn good. Not that he ver didnt look good but you could always tell when he really made an effort. Fresh line up, his black slightly wavy hair falling over his forehead, his delicious jaw, perfectly golden brown skin with tattoos everywhere. My lips parted, noticing a new one curling up the side of his neck. I wanted to kiss it. I wondered when he got it and turned to ask Kat but she was already talking to some guy.

I pursed my lips, my eyes drifting back to Azriel, our eyes locked as he had been looking at me already, a hint of a smile playing at his lips. He watched me curiously, and I bit my lip, feeling naked under his gaze like usual. "See he's already looking," Kat interrupted, her voice sounding slightly giddy. "Let's grab some drinks!" She tugs me along toward the bar, toward Azriel, but we end up on the opposite side of the bar, his brows are drawn together slightly as he watches us. Rhys and Cass were next to him, they could be heard across the bar yelling loudly about some bet that they had made between each other, Az was quiet as usual though, and he was watching me.

I wanted nothing more than to go say hello after having barely seen him, but Kat had told me that it was very important that I let him approach me first tonight, even if I'd be making the first move. I was only going along with her dumb plan so she would see how dumb it actually was and finally leave me alone about Azriel. Kat ordered us chilled tequila shots for the first round and we clinked our glasses together. "It's crazy not to go say hi to him, I've never done that before," I say to Kat, my eyes still landing on Azriel every few minutes, I couldn't help it.

My mouth went dry when I looked again and he was talking to someone now, a woman, he glanced back at me again but then quickly back to the woman in front of him. She looked gorgeous from what I could tell, even though her back was facing me, a pang of jealousy hit my gut. This is so stupid.

"I promise its going to be fine," she laughed before waving over some of her other friends she introduced me to her friends Lily and Lylah, they were twins, almost identical, gorgeous... But I couldn't seem to focus on any conversation they were having, I was too busy being distracted by Azriel who was still speaking to the random woman across the bar. He didnt look particularly interested, but he smiled at her and my gut wrenched.

Shot after shot and I was getting anxious I knew it wasnt horribly out of the ordinary for Kat and I to be off on our own when we were out, she had always told me we'd never bag anyone if the boys were looming over our shoulders. Usually we at least said hi though.

"Dance with me for a little!" Kat giggled, her words slurred from all the tequila shots we had been doing.

"Kat you know I don't-" I tried to protest but she was already dragging me into the throng of bodies surrounded by the DJ's station. "Our friendship is starting to feel like a lot of you dragging me into anything," I shout over the music dramatically, but I couldn't help but smile as I kept my eyes on Kat, trying to pretend it was just her and I in her living room.

"There you goooo y/n," Kat laughs softly pulling me closer to her, I just laugh and shake my head, thankful for all the liquor in my system giving me the courage to dance with her. I glanced back at Azriel, there was no way I was forgetting he was there, especially since he was talking to someone.

"Doesn't seem like its wor-" I started to say but Im interrupted by Kats lips on mine. "Kat what are you-" I tried to say but she's kissing me, her arms are still around me, one of her hands finding my hair. I couldn't help it as I kissed her back, her lips were so soft, and she tasted like strawberry lip gloss.

"I had to," she laughed casually as she pulled away, her fingers pulling from my hair.

"You're crazy," I laughed, my heart still racing the tiniest bit from the surprise of her kiss. The rush. I glanced back at Azriel, who wasnt even looking at the woman speaking to him, his eyes were fixed on me, brows drawn slightly together.

"Only a little bit, you look too damn good tonight not to get a kiss, even if it isn't the kiss you deserve I had to give you a little sugar," she giggled again, her words slurring slightly as she looked at me with hazy eyes.

"Good thing I have you," I said and laughed, spinning her around on the dance floor even though it definitely wasnt the song for it.

"May I?" the scent of his cologne fills my nostrils and my eyes lift to meet gorgeous amber colored ones.

"May you..?" I stuttered slightly blinking up at him, tall, clean cut, red hair, pale skin, piercing eyes and devilishly handsome. His clothing and jewelry looked like it would cost me a years worth of shifts at the bar. Kat drops her jaw at me behind his back in approval, her eyebrows drawing together before she quickly said she was going to get us drinks and she wouldn't be far, the man didnt even bat an eye or look at her for that matter.

"Dance with you? Buy you a drink? Kiss you the way your friend just did?" He asks, his voice smooth and seductive, I almost would have fell for it if it wasnt for his cockiness.

"You're just assuming that she's not my girlfriend," I retorted, arrogance emanated from him... But it was kind of sexy. He was way, way out of my league though.

"Oh?" He cocked his head to the side, his eyes twinkling with amusement, he obviously liked this game. "She's your girlfriend? Then why did she leave you here?"

I opened my mouth to say something but closed it quickly because I couldn't think of anything to say. My eyes met with Azriels, he was gripping the glass in his hand tightly, his jaw clenched as he glanced between me and whoever the man in front of me was.

-

"Is there something more interesting behind me?" the annoying voice asked, Azriel couldn't even remember her name even though she had given it to him maybe twenty minutes ago? He didnt even know how long it had been that she had been here pestering him, however long it was too long.

"Everything behind you is more interesting," he muttered, his eyes only flicking to hers for a second before back to Bee and Eris, the fuck was he even doing here anyway? Azriel already knew the answer to that though, he was sniffing out all the dumbasses with empty pockets he could find to run his product around the city. Azriel only knew this because Eris was his dealer.

"Asshole," the woman whirled on her heels and stormed away but Azriel didnt even bother to look at her again. The fuck did Eris want with Bee. Probably that fucking dress she was wearing. What had Kat even been thinking? Dressing her up and parading her around like some kind of toy, kissing her. His throat felt so dry and his blood felt so hot. The liquor coursing through his veins mixed with the lines he had done in the bathroom earlier were only enhancing his anger. A small bead of sweat formed on his temple and before he could stop himself he was up, the barstool he had been sitting on nearly tipping over at his carelessness. Azriel pushed past the crowd his face feeling hot and red, his eyes narrowed, focusing on Bee as she smirked up at Eris.

"Fuck you doing?" were the only words that left Azriels mouth as he grabbed Bee by her arm and yanked her hard. She squeaked out his name in surprise and protest stumbling backward and almost falling but he made sure that she didnt.

"Azriel?" Eris speaks, his eyebrows drawing together as he watched Azriel manhandle her.

"She's good, Im good," his voice is almost a growl as she struggles to get out of his strong grip but hes tugging her toward the back door.

-

"Az what the fuck are you doing?!" I cry out softly the cool night breeze kissing my skin as he pulled me out of the door to the club. I was stumbling behind him, tripping over my heels, my arm was aching at his intense grip, my heart pounding in my chest. Great fucking idea Kat.

"No, Bee, what the fuck are you doing?" He whirls, pushing me back and my body hits the wall on alleyway to the club, my head smacking gently against the cool brick. Azriel wraps his hand around my throat, gently squeezing, my lips part in surprise, my toes curling involuntarily.

"Azriel, ow, fuck," my head was spinning, a mixture of shock from Azriels behavior and all of the liquor in my system.

"What the fuck are you doing Bee?" He repeats, his eyes boring in to mine, his hazel eyes were dark, blank except for rage, his breathing was heavy, chest rising and falling quickly. "When did you start letting Kat dress you up like a fucking slut?" he presses, his fingers tightening around my throat, my heart is pounding, my pussy throbbing and leaking in my panties as I stared up at him. "Who the fuck even are you? You can't even say hi to me? Kissing Kat like a fucking whore on the dance floor, batting your fucking eyelashes and smiling at Eris like youre fucking easy, hes my fucking coke dealer Bee, are you that naive?" he was so close, I could feel his breath on my skin, smell all the fucking liquor he had drank. I was stunned, Azriel had never spoken to me like this. Never put his hands on me in this rough... Claiming way. I was reeling, my nipples ached as our chests brushed with each breath we took.

"Az, I-" I breathed, my eyes flicking down to his lips, back up to his eyes. I knew I should be angry at him, I knew I should push him away and yell at him for the way he had treated me. But I couldn't, I could never push him away, and there was some part of me that liked every second of it. I needed more.

"Im going fucking crazy," he breathed out, almost as if he was realizing where we were, who I was. His fingers loosened around my throat and I didnt hesitate, I kissed him. My entire body melted, leaning into him, embracing him as his hand moved from my throat and into the back of my hair, tightening and tugging there. I moaned as his arm snaked around my waist, pulling our bodies flush, I could feel his hard cock pressing through his pants. I whimpered softly as he slid his tongue into my mouth, the way he kissed me was so needy and feral.

My head was spinning, I couldn't believe it was finally happening. He was kissing me, touching me. His hands were everywhere now, desperately trying to get to know my body, I moaned again, tipping my head back as he slid his fingers under my dress and over my soaking wet panties. He cursed quietly under his breath, his lips moving over my neck, sucking gently as he rubbed me through my underwear. I moaned, rocking my hips back and forth against his fingers until I was coming completely undone in my panties. I gasped softly as Azriel pulled away, confusion covering my face, feeling almost empty with out him there, against me. Like he had ripped warmth itself away from me.

"Az why did you sto-" I can't finish my sentence because I notice his face, my cheeks heat with embarrassment.

"Bee youre too drunk, Im drunk.. I shouldn't have put my hands- We just can't do this-" Azriel struggled for words, I felt tears sting at my eyes. His throat bobbed, his eyes becoming so distant. I hadn't seen that look in a while.

"Az-" I tried again but he just shook his head, his jaw flexing nervously.

"Im sorry Bee. Go back inside," his eyes are guarded, hes lighting a cigarette now, looking anywhere but me. I opened my mouth to say something but he turns and walks away, leaving me feeling humiliated in the alley way. I turned, and practically ran back inside, tears rolling down my cheeks as I tried to find Kat I had to leave, now.

-

Azriel nearly stumbled out of the car, his current double vision not doing anything to help his balance. He hadn't wanted to fuck anyone else besides Bee since he'd walked in on her in his room. He was realizing now, that he couldn't do that. He cared about her too much, so much that he had hurt her.

Even if she wanted to. Even if she was doing all this dumb little shit to get his attention, he couldn't allow it. He put his hands on her, he had hurt her. And what had she done? She kissed him. Because she saw him, she knew that wasnt really him. She knew the real him before all the drugs before all the mindless sex and the ego boost he had gained from tattooing. It scared the absolute shit out of him. He knew he would have to change for her, he knew accepting the way he felt would make him want to change. He couldn't believe weeks ago he had been thinking about actually fucking her. His kiss with Bee was replaying over and over in his head, how could he stay away knowing what it felt like to kiss her but still not knowing what her pussy tasted like?

His thoughts had him walking more swiftly to the door and he stopped, rubbing his face to try and compose himself and not seem too blasted out of his mind. He rang the door bell and waited for only a few moments before Cecille appeared before it, her wrapped up in a bonnet for sleep, a matching silk robe draping over her naked body.

"Azriel?" she asks, her voice cool and disinterested but her eyes lit up. "I told you never to come without calling, my husband could be here," she tilts her head, looking down her nose at him.

"Is he?" he asked, his eyes settling on her breasts, he couldn't help but compare them to Bee. It made his ears hot.

"No," she responds, a smile tugging at her lips, the wrinkles by her eyes becoming more pronounced. He invites himself in then, shutting the door behind him and leaning against it.

"So get on your knees," he commanded, resting his hands on her shoulders and coaxing her down to the floor.

Azriel watched boredly as she sucked him off, his fingers gripping her hair and pushing her deeper onto him, watching her choke and gag. Normally this would have made him feel better, it would have made him forget whatever he was worried about.

Nothing... Not even this could get his mind off of Bee.

-

"Az we need to do something," her eyes welled up with tears, she hugged her body, peering at him as they sat on the hill next to the school.

"I told you Im fine, there's nothing to do Bee," Azriel shrugs, ripping up pieces of grass, tossing them in front of them.

"There has to be something," she raises her voice, staring at him, she was angry and she didnt understand how he wasnt. His lip was fat and bloody his nose bruised and swollen but it was nothing compared to the giant bruise that covered his ribcage. "We can talk to the principal and they can help us with the police-"

"No cops Bee," he cuts her off, his tone somber and serious, but his eyes softened at the sight of her. It warmed something deep inside of him to know that someone cared about him. Actually wanted to help him. "I'll end up in foster care, it's worse. Ive been there," he adds, sighing quietly and rising to his feet.

"I just hate this Az, I hate seeing you hurt. I hate that they can just do that to you and nothing ever happens to them," she looks up at him, her knees hugged to her chest. He winces slightly at the sight of her crying, he hated that.

"Im seriously fine, Im used to it," he shakes his head, holding his hand out to help her up, she doesn't budge. "I can't go into foster care because then I'll never see my best friend Bee again," he tries again, smiling down at her, he needed her to stop crying, it bothered him so much.

"You shouldn't be used to it, and we would find a way to stay in contact," she argues, her eyebrows drawing together as she looks up at him in frustration.

"No cops Bee," he repeats, and she sighs in defeat, looking away from him. His hand is still extended to her, waiting. "Come on. Cheer up," he urges, sighing heavily. "Ice cream?" she finally turns to look back up at him and reluctantly takes his hand with tearstained cheeks.

"Fine, not today Az, but some day we are doing something."

-

a/n: </3

comment if you'd like to be tagged in the next part *** very quickly stoned proof READ ILL GET TO IT fr LMK IF YOU SEE MISTAKES

@smalljasper289 @cynthiesjmxazrielslover @scorpioriesling @userxs-blog @lilah-asteria

[platonicallylovesick]

Some more "ppl defending Mrs. Bakugo" crimes against my mental wellbeing

People on titok are genuinely insane oml

"It's not abuse tho abuse is where its mentally and emotionally affecting the child's well being. and i think Bakugo is completely fine since thats his family's love language." GURL WHAT. GURL. DID YOU WATCH THE SAME SHOW?? IS BAKUGO DEVELOPING A CRIPPLING INFERIORITY COMPLEX AT THE AGE OF 6 NOT AFFECTING HIS WELLBEING???

"this is just for comedy... plus Bakugo is a brat and needs to be slapped sometimes" literally no child *NEEDS* to be slapped. the 16 yr old boy does not NEED to be slapped and esp not in front of his teachers who he genuinely looks up to and respects? ESP NOT WHILE BEING TOLD HE'S THE REASON THAT THEY NEED TO BE MOVED INTO DORMS IN THE FIRST PLACE????

"They're just messing around, have you never had a good relationship with your mother?" I have a lovely relationship with my mom, and there is a SOLID different between being lightly and playfully smacked on the shoulder during a lighthearted conversation AND BEING HIT ACROSS THE HEAD WHILE BEING YELLED AT TO SHUT UP IN FRONT OF *MY ONLY IDOL*

"Plus lets not forget in the earlier seasons this dude was a BULLY plus if you look at Bakugo he isnt even phased by her words he's just mad cuz she hit him. also if you watch the rest of the episode, Mitsuki says to All Might and Aizawa to take care of Katsuki and shows worry for him" oh so there's plenty to unpack here! First up. I WONDER WHY HE WAS A BULLY? I WONDER WHERE THAT 5 YEAR OLD LEARNED THOSE BEHAVIORS?? IT WASNT FROM ALL MIGHT VIDEOS, I PROMISE YOU THAT ?! Next up: "he isnt even phased, he's just mad she hit him." Bbg if you're told you're trash even just once a week for at least a year, you will stop reacting to it every time, in the moment. that does not change the mental stress it puts on you. Now add in the factors of "its def more than just once a week," "that is his MOTHER," "He's already immensely guilty about the situation," and "HE IS A CHILD." Then we have, "He's just mad she hit him." YOU'RE TELLING ME. YOU WOULD NOT BE UPSET. IF YOU WERE HIT BY YOUR MOTHER. IN FRONT OF *ANYONE* YOU RESPECT. LET ALONE THE LITERAL SYMBOL OF PEACE. WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE HIT BY *YOUR* MOTHER IN FRONT OF FUCKING IRON MAN?!

Last but MOST CERTAINLY not least: "She shows worry for him." Babe imma hold your hand in an white knuckle grip when i tell you this. I don't think you've ever been abused in your life. Because you do know that most abusers don't wake up thinking "MAN today will be a great day to torment my only son," right? She doesnt think she's abusing him. She's just doing what comes natural to her. She isnt reflecting on what effect her actions have had on her kid, she's the mother so ofc she's in the right and she loves her son so clearly the problem is his peers praising his powers too much, I cant possibly be to blame because i love him! She doesn't think about how its affecting him at all. Hell, it could even be a cycle bc honestly it already is one. When Katsuki is faced with unruly children he correctly identifies that there's some kind of lead kid (because he was a lead kid at that age, he was a problem child), and then HIS SOLUTION IS TO PHYSICALLY FIGHT THE KIDS, USING THE JUSTIFICATION THAT THAT WAS HOW HE WAS RAISED AND IN HIS OPINION HE TURNED OUT FINE.

This is actually a trap I've fallen into myself, I have recommended a little more tough love against my little siblings because I was treated much more harshly at that age than they are now. I WAS NOT IN THE RIGHT. KATSUKI IS NOT IN THE RIGHT. THIS IS HOW MALTREATMENT CHANGES A CHILD'S MIND. THIS IS HOW IT WARPS OUR VIEW OF THE WORLD AROUND US. Unless he gets some serious SERIOUS help, he will carry these experiences with him for the rest of his life. He might become just as terrible a parent as his mother.

His behavior is not his fault. He is a CHILD. A MINOR. If he was in his twenties and has experienced life firsthand and he was still being a bully for no reason or being physically violent with minimal to no provocation, I would agree that he needs a serious wakeup call. Still wouldnt agree with hitting him, but like yeah he's an adult, his prefrontal cortex is fully developed, he should be self reflecting. But AT SIXTEEN. HE IS A CHILD, A LITERAL CHILD. THIS KIND OF HOUSEHOLD ENVIROMENT IS ALL HE FUCKING KNOWS. IT IS THE RESULT OF HOW HIS PARENTS RAISED HIM, WHICH WAS TOXIC, ABUSIVE, AND EMOTIONALLY NEGLECTFUL.

Shoutout to the one guy in that comment section fighting for his life making good points as to the fact that YES Mitsuki is the fucking issue.

[s0lar-ch3ri]

mythborning in the year of our lord 2024

do we think about how ryan and aster probably never fully accepted connor being dead. after the first day reset and shit i mean. theyd go to bed, silently hoping tomorrow theyd wake up and itd be like that day never happened, hell maybe they get set back again to the day of the big game. and they both just. they dont want to think of the idea that connors gone.

asters the one who trys to fight for him back. she makes up new reasons and such as to why hes not gone, ways they could possibly bring him back (it doesnt help that in this state she sounds so much like him about his brother). she looks through her dads artifact collections, seeing if any would make sense in any way to bring him back to life, losing care of its cost. she even tries to find his book or something of its nature, but finding that, if even possible, doesnt help because its a book made to kill not bring to life again. i dont imagine asters religious, not in the sense that she doesnt think gods are real (one is her mother), but that she never felt a pull to worship one. for the first time in her life, she tries to pray. she prays to her mother, reciting every word and performing every detail, squishing the tears from her eyes because god she cant let herself be seen so broken by this boy infront of a divine being and sure its the first time shes tried reaching out like this but she just needs one chance to talk to her. of course, whether or not it works and she sees her, she doesnt revive him. the day doesnt reset and he comes back to life. and somewhere inside her she knows this couldnt have worked, shes the daughter of a goddess and knows the balance of mortality and immortality. shes known he was gone the moment the rats attacked. thats why she fought so hard, because the small amounts of divine energy she held surely could beat what has been written by those above her just this once, just for him.

ryan doesnt let himself break. he has a floatball team to be on and an act to keep up and a friend who needs him. he doesnt have the ability to stop and let himself process how hed join in the bullying of "con-nerd" and how he gave ryan that hug before going to that gym and getting to see the vulnerable sides of connor when he talked about or even showed them (he probably showed him his friends) his brother. sure, he may know what its like to have lost family and connor was close in a way similar (might be a small shipper of those two. what of it. /lh they can be friends too ofc) and now hes gone and hell never get to hear him call ryan stupid when hes wearing his goofy grin or does something actually dumb. ryan, whos meant to be strong, let his friend get crushed by rats. and he wont break. he'll just tell gary to fuck off when hes caught tearing up after a floatball game because he had to look in the stands and know that connors not gonna be there selling hotdogs again. he can just put another lie in his act when hes looking in these history textbooks and say he wasnt thinking of olden magic usages and how they might be able to bring him back, closing his eyes so he doesnt gaze on them.

it takes ryan grabbing asters wrists and looking her dead in the eyes and telling her "i dont fucking like it, but connors gone. you know it. i know it. this is just gonna hurt you more. please. i cant lose one more person." it takes her looking in ryans eyes to see how theyre tired and dried out and his muscles seem to instinctively hold up a smile and how his grips just slightly too strong and yet he just is so tired and wants more then anything his best friend back. his breaths getting shakey and louder and he starts sniffling and she just grabs him down and they become sobbing messes of kids on the floor because god fucking damn it connors gone and nothings magically fixing this and nothing will be the same ever again.

it takes them a bit to figure out where his gravestone is. its empty. they should have honored him sooner, they know it, but they just wanted to hope that it wasnt just connors memory they had left living.

[cartoonrival]

hii can you tell me more about that time sonic yelled at silver in a hospital (◕‿◕✿) <- imagine that thing is fluttering it’s lashes convincingly

HELLO i would love to. so silver's story in archie is that they are CONVINCED that there's a traitor amongst the original knothole freedom fighters. in archie, their future is a lot more in tact, so theyve been doing research in decrepit libraries and stuff trying to figure out what happened, and they're certain that 200 years ago, one of the freedom fighters double crossed their teammates and doomed the world.

silver tends to. jump to conclusions. a lot. and this is understandable considering everything is fucked and its scary and terrible and the weight of fixing it is on One Teenager's Shoulders. so they are wrong A Lot. they bring it up pretty much every time they see sonic, accuse rotor, etc, and the ffs find it a bit ANNOYING that someone would think one of their closest friends would turn against them, but ultimately its water under the bridge once silver realize each theory wasnt true, apologizes, they move on, silver keeps searching.

the hospital scene is sonic's final straw. ixis naugus took the throne, sally was roboticized, and antoine is in a coma. quack can't even be sure he'll wake UP. and while sonic is grieving in his room, picking at his guitar listening to amy sobbing in the living room with his parents, silver shows up and declares that they've FINALLY found the true traitor of the freedom fighters: it's antoine. and sonic fucking LOSES IT. he grabs silver by their quills and DRAGS them through the city, bursts into antoine's room where he's prone in bed, unresponsive, surrounded by flowers and balloons and well-wishing cards, and throws silver against the foot of the bed so they can see the man theyve just accused of being a traitor. really looks like he's about to walk off to join eggman doesn't he.

sonic's closest friends, the people who he has lived and fought alongside for basically his entire life, are kind of being shot down like FLIES, and here comes SILVER THE HEDGEHOG (who the hell even is this guy, where did they even come from), waltzing in and insisting that THEY know sonic's friends better than he does, so well in fact that they're sure they've been lying through their teeth to him.

that moment is veeerry much an explosion of a LOT of pent up anger and grief over the current state of things; the freedom fighters are LOSING. the people who carried sonic through some of the worst points of the war are being captured, dying, nicole was banished from the city, bunnie feels so guilty over antoine's fate that she's RUN AWAY without saying where she's going, geoffrey is back and ruining everything, its all gone to SHIT.

sonic doesnt really give a shit how well-meaning silver is, if theyre going to show up without having experienced any of the horror that sonic is currently living through and accuse the ONLY PEOPLE who have been with sonic through EVERYTHING of being BACKSTABBERS, several of whom have all but SACRIFICED THEMSELVES to save the world, then they should get fucked. to put it simply.

[elysianstarl1ght]

TF2 HALF-ANIMAL AU

HEAR ME OUT.

au where engie and medic are experimenting, the other mercs are in the room when something goes wrong. they get it contained and don't think anything went wrong, until they all go to sleep, wake up, and find that they all have new animal features.

medic - dove heavy - grizzly bear pyro - scorpion engie - bumblebee demo - 'unknown sea creature' (nessie) soldier - eagle spy - rattlesnake sniper - tarantula scout - rabbit

i wanted to avoid mythical creatures but i really had no idea what to do with demo. but i think imma stick with it because technically its not mythical in the tf2-verse and i have a rlly funny hc about it.. so..

ONTO SOME HEADCANONS!

(warning you. theres alot. a l o t .)

scout constantly complaining that he "got a rabbit of all things and not a cool animal" and refusing to admit he's actually having a lot of fun as a rabbit. he really likes his new ears he'll just never admit it

(also pauling trying to talk to scout through the headphones but his ears are on the top of his head and he cant hear through the headphones

one of the mercs calling pauling to let her know what happened and she shows up at reds base and is just like "what the fuck did you guys DO" and she goes on a huge rant and eventually asks if medic can make an antidote, to which he says yes.

demo having a huge ass tail and constantly knocking things over because he doesnt know how to control it.

medic officially banned him from the infirmary until he could get a cure to un-animalify them. demo went in there ONE TIME on the first day and knocked over an entire cabinet filled with medical supplies and he never went in there again (he darted out of the room instantly because he was worried medic was gonna kick his ass /lh)

engie absolutely loves his wings, he doesnt use them often but when he does he gets so excited and giddy bc theyre SO helpful!! hes probably also rlly protective of them too!

soldier knocks shit over with her wings all the damn time too. she randomly flaps her wings because she Loves Them and wants to show them off and whatever she's next to goes flying. she was also probably one of the only mercs that wasnt extremely concerned when she woke up; she probably shouted "AMERICA!!!!" at the top of her lungs and woke up half the base

spy wearing his mask significantly less because she has scales on the side of his face and under her eyes and the mask rubbing against the scales makes him cringe (sensory issues moment)

also i just find it slightly cruel how i made spy a SNAKE and scout a RABBIT. just- just think about that real quick.

sniper would have the time of his LIFE fucking with his team and the opposing team with his new spider powers!! some examples below

creating web traps to catch them. he especially does this to blu spy when he tries to backstab sniper (and scout just for fun. he falls for the traps every time)

web nets just around corners in the base that the mercs run into

crawling along the ceiling and walls to scare the shit out of his team, especially at night

swinging down infront of them when hes hanging on the ceiling also to scare the shit out of them

yeah sniper probably hated being a tarantula at first, but after he discovered what he could do oh BOY. he never realized how much fun messing with people was!! (he no longer blames scout and pyro for doing stupid shit)

pyro lowkey struggles with their mask and suit because of their new scorpion features. like they have those extra leg thingies and it was a huge struggle trying to get those to work with his suit

and dont get me started on his pincher hand things. pyro struggled. alot.

and his stinger thing. houh boy they probably accidentally killed the mercs a lot of times with that thing...

i dont really have anything for heavy yet (please feel free to drop any hcs) but i can tell you this much he has HUGE bear hands and he has bear ears and medic finds it absolutely adorable.

adding onto this medic wrapping his wings around the mercs while healing them when theyre standing still. like theyre hiding around a corner and medic brings them closer with his wings.

ALSO MEDIC HAS BIRD FEET (he hates it) and he had to cut holes in a pair of his gloves because he got bird talons (he REALLY hates that.)

oh my god thasts... thats a lot of writing... thats not even all of it... oh yikes...

[eiimeixi]

i hope no one minds if i yap, so i'll share my story

i didn't start out writing fanfiction specifically because of one person, but multiple people. i got inspired by the amount of people who put effort and dedication into their love and passion for the hobby and the characters

but there definitely was some fanfiction that completely altered my brain chemistry, forever. THAT I WILL NEVER GET TO REVISIT BECAUSE THEY'RE COMPLETELY GONE FROM THE INTERNET, ONLY BURNED INTO MY MEMORIES AND I'LL CARRY THEM ON TO MY GRAVE WITH NO ONE TO TELL BUT THE EARTH MIXED INTO MY ROTTING FLESH-- or ashes, depends

the first was a wattpad bokuaka fic i randomly found linked while looking at fanarts on google (please it was years ago)

the title was "Doctor's Orders" and the plot was basically bokuto was in a mental hospital? or asylum? or rehab im pretty sure for anger issues if i remember correctly, and his new doctor was akaashi. obviously, doctors and patients arent allowed to be involved in relationships with each other, but despite that they began slowly falling in love, helping bokuto overcome his anger issues. oh, of course they never acted upon their romantic feelings for each other in ways other than caring for each other. but they would get into small accidents that make it seem like they did something. WHICH IS IMPORTANT FOR THE PLOT. WHY? because shirabu finally released bokuto after deeming that he has healed, and so akaashi and bokuto can finally allow themselves to be in an official relationship!! so happy happy!! yeah, totally, until the cops came and arrested akaashi for grooming a patient that was "not yet released". yep. shirabu didn't actually sign the papers for releasing bokuto. he faked them! tricked them! tricked akaashi into getting arrested (there were cameras in the rehab facility that captured all of those little accidents AND THEY WERE ALL PLANNED BY SHIRABU) and tricked bokuto into thinking he was free for GOD KNOWS WHY??? I THINK I WAS TOO SHOCKED TO EVEN COMPREHEND WHY THE HELL SHIRABU DID THAT OR IT JUST GENUINELY WASNT STATED BUT DUDE I'M STILL NOT OVER IT. ESPECIALLY NOT WHEN YEARS PASSED AND BOKUTO WAS FINALLY RELEASE FOR REAL (dude he was actually healthy already when shirabu faked signing the release papers but idk that guy has a screw loose) AND DECIDED TO PAY A VISIT TO AKAASHI, ONLY TO FIND HIM ABSOLUTELY WRECKED. HE ADMITTED HE FORCED ALL OF THE GUYS TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM EVEN IF THEY DIDN'T WANT TO, ALL BECAUSE HE COULDN'T GET HIS AND BOKUTO'S FIRST TIME OUT OF HIS HEAD. HE WAS THAT WRECKED. AND HE MENTIONED ABOUT HOW HURT HE WAS THAT BOKUTO NEVER VISITED HIM IN ALL THOSE YEARS. I WAS IN TEARS?? EVEN MORE SO IN THE EPILOGUE THAT SHOWED WHAT WOULD'VE HAPPENED IF AKAASHI WASN'T ARRESTED AND THEY NAMED THEIR CHILD AFTER YACHI.

THAT WAS LIKE 2,3 YEARS AGO AND THE WOUND IS STILL VERY. VERY FRESH. I WILL NOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME GET OVER THAT FANFIC. i still mourn it every waking morning. because im very sure it's deleted and i don't even remember the author.

(please guys if you know what im talking about, cry with me)

the other fanfics were all written by melqiiuvi on ao3, an ex-skephalo writer that i GREATLY LOOK UP TO. THEIR WRITING STYLE IS SO GODLY AND ALL OF THEIR FICS COMPLETELY HAUNT ME.

THE ONE WHERE BAD WAS ALWAYS A TIME-TAKING FREAK WHO'D ALWAYS JOLT DOWN IMPORTANT DATES, DOWN TO THE EXACT TIME THINGS HAPPENED. UNTIL ONE NIGHT WHERE HE GOES TO A PARTY WHERE HIS SCHOOL YEAR-LONG CRUSH SKEPPY GOES AND THEY'RE DRUNK, AND END UP KISSING. AND KISSING. AND MAKING OUT. AND FOR THE FIRST TIME IN BAD'S LIFE, HE THINKS SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF NOT NEEDING TO WRITE DOWN THE EXACT AMOUNT OF TIMES THEY KISSED, WHEN EACH KISS HAPPENED, ECT ECT. AND JUST LEARN TO LIVE IN THE MOMENT

THE ONE WHERE SKEPPY HATES VALENTINES AND DOESN'T SEE THE POINT IN IT BUT HE LEARNS IT'S IMPORTANCE WHEN HE SEES HOW IMPORTANT IT IS FOR BAD

THE ONE WHERE SKEPPY WORKS AT A CAFE AND HE'S ONE OF THE BEST EMPLOYEES BUT WHENEVER BAD'S AROUND HE ACTS ALL CLUMSY AND SHIT TO GET HIS ATTENTION

THE ONE WHERE SKEPPY'S IN AN UNHAPPY RELATIONSHIP BUT HE KEEPS HER AROUND BECAUSE-- actually i dont remember, BUT WHEN HE FINDS OUT BAD HAS A CRUSH ON HIM HE TRIES HIS ABSOLUTE BEST TO PREVENT BAD INTO FALLING ANY FURTHER FOR HIM, TO SAVE HIM FROM HIMSELF. ONLY FOR SKEPPY TO FALL FOR BAD. LIKE. THE SCENE WHERE HIS GIRLFRIEND'S SITTING ON HIS LAP IN THE CAFETERIA AND TALKING TO HIM BUT SKEPPY CATCHES A GLANCE OF BAD SMILING FROM TABLES AWAY AND HE CAN'T STOP THE WIDE, GENUINE SMILE FROM TAKING OVER HIS FACE AND QUICKLY LOOKS TO HIS GIRLFRIEND TO MAKE IT SEEM LIKE HE WAS SMILING AT HER INSTEAD. THE LINE WHERE THE GIRL SWEARS SHE'S NEVER SEEN HIM SMILE SO GENUINE WITH HER. AND IT WASNT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE DIRECTED AT HER. GRJAJHWA

MOST IMPORTANTLY, THE ONE WHERE BAD HAS SYNESTHESIA AND SKEPPY'S A GUITARIST IM PRETTY SURE AND EVERYTIME HE STRUMS THE GUITAR, BAD SEES BLUE. at least i think.. i'm not very sure the memories i have of the plot are pretty vague BUT I DO VIVIDLY VIVIDLY REMEMBER EVERYTIME SKEPPY TALKED, BAD SAW YELLOW. AND A LINE ABOUT HOW BAD'S FAVORITE COLOR'S YELLOW NOW TOO.

ALL OF THEM. ALL OF THEM ARE DELETED BUT THEY'RE ON MEMENTOARCHIVE . ORG BUT I DONT FUCKING KNOW HOW TO DOWNLOAD THEM BECAUSE I KEEP GETTING REDIRECTED INTO A TIME-WASTER SCAM OF A WEBSITE

anyways yeah that's my story of anguish and endless mourning, please never delete your fics no matter how cringe they might seem to you, because some people might actually take comfort in them or it's their favorite fic and idk you may or may not have killed someone by deleting it, or have prevented a death by posting a fic you think's trashy, WHO KNOWS. they always say one man's trash is another man's treasure. always keep that in mind!

for everytime you feel your fic's cringe, remember you might've changed someone's life for uploading it.

just pls pls never delete. post them anonymously or orphan them, but pls never delete them. :((

the way I have heard so many talented fanfic writers say they started writing because they read someone else's fanfics that are so good they inspired them into becoming writers too? just proved my point that your writing is never 'in vain', even if you dislike it and think it could've been better, it's still good enough for someone out there that it becomes their source of inspiration and perhaps happiness. you'll never know.

but don't ever, ever belittle your own works. just because you don't like them, doesn't mean other people dislike them too. again, you'll never know. there could be someone out there who reread your works every day because those fics you wrote helped them escape reality for a while, they could be reading your works as a way to help get them through a hard time in their life. you'll never know.

your writing may have saved someone's life.

your writing may have inspired someone into pursuing their career and changing their life for the better.

several best selling authors started as fanfic writers, and the majority of fanfic writers started writing because they were inspired by someone's fanfics. you do the math.

your "silly fics" have permanent impact on this world, even if you think they're not good (they actually are good, I promise you, don't let your mind lie to you).

I mean ***I*** personally started writing my first fanfic about 7 years ago, and have been writing ever since, because I was inspired by my favorite fanfic writers. I still remember all the lines I like from those fics I read 7-8 years ago, I still think about those fics I read from 7-8 years ago and still remember the stories very well in my heart. I started writing because of them.

this blog would never have been created at all, if it weren't because of those fanfic writers whose works I read 7-8 years ago.

I wouldn't have so far written about 130,000 words this year alone, if it weren't because of those fanfic writers whose works I read 7-8 years ago.

to all the fanfic writers out there; your works inspired someone, your writing made a difference to someone's life.

[whosmaggy]

scariest thing in the universe

i am perpetually scared (scwawed). tv show soundaffects, floorboards creeking, solitude, all scare me in the way that makes me text my friend(s) for their aide. truthfully, im not actually scared, my problem is paranoia.

im not allowed to donate blood or plasma (thinking of putting weights in my pockets so they allow me) but stem cells, yes. i dont think it would work though. they were prepare me for surgery, start drilling into my bones, and find nothing but instability. i think thats what my dna is made up.

a few years ago (when my mom was losing her mind) i was terrified she had developed Alzheimers. everytime she forgot something i would tell myself "remember this, in the far future, when the doctor asks if there were any signs, you can come back here." it was a comfort to me to tell myself that she had something wrong with her that wasnt in me (or at least wouldnt be for the next 20-30 years). looking back that was just one of her episodes of her grip on reality was loose.

i dont know what she has. i know its something. i dont want to sound like the moody 14 year old on tiktok that believes everything is cause for a diagnosis, but really, ive seen her, while on the way to my favourite grocery story, get a shaky voice telling me and my brother that shes going to die and that there is money under her mattress.

i go on walks everyday. when i walk past the canal i think of jumping in and drowning. pretty much everywhere i go, i am my own grim reaper, conjuring up ways to die.

my mother has bouts of insanity, where she spends hours a day screaming at anyone or anything. after that shes lighter, spends her time with gossip and blending buckets of garlic paste.

i know the symptoms of bipolar I, II and cyclothymia pretty well, ive read every nihm article there is on them. i know my mothers emotions very well.

theres a 10-90% chance bpd is genetic. i love math. when the percentage a study gives is >50% i cry so hard i cant breathe and i have to drink water to stop my head from hurting. i hope the universal calculator is looking down at me, watching the show, going into my brain and rewriting the mutations. i hope math loves me.

i want to have 3 kids. there was a time i wanted none. i had visions of being a mother like mine. ill say it simply, i dont want any of what she has, because i dont want to be like her.

i used to have to tell her that nobody hates her/is talking shit about her, she isnt going to die tomorrow, my brothers plane isnt going to crash, no ones stealing the bike in the backyard. i dont want someone else to have to guide me through my days of losing it.

when i have my moments of saying and doing anything i want and then not being able to stop myself for sitting around thinking of dying, i remember im 18. early adulthood is when bpd develops.

i cant escape my mind, i cant skip past the years or early adulthood when symptoms are thr most intense and ripe for diagnosing, i just have to live with not knowing if 10-90% are good odds.

i hope in 15 years i wake up with my 3 kids and im able to tell myself my kids have it better, because im better.

[alexachungsfavorite]

day 1,671

i keep looking for you in your favorite things. im rewatching your shows and movies in hopes that i will find a piece of you there.

its 4am and the birds are chirping and the sun is about to rise and i am 2,817 miles away from where we first met and i cant go one day without thinking about you. no matter how long its been, the tears will always prick my eyes and burn my skin as they roll down. a silent promise to never forget you, but also a promise to never get better. i wish someone would love me like you did. no one will ever be that gentle with me again.

my grief has made me rough, frayed at the edges, like an old sweater thats been washed too many times, every thread threatening to fall apart at any moment.

i think youd hate that im writing this. you hated everything like this.

do you judge me when i cry and scream over you after all this time? do you hate that we are tethered, sometimes i do. but the pain of not having you is worth it to have spent even one second with you.

your laugh sounded like being a child again at a sleepover, hiding under blankets with sticky hands and unbrushed teeth, trying not to be too loud so our parents dont wake.

i wish we had been friends when were 6. it felt like we had been. maybe we were separated at birth. maybe in another life we met on the playground and we were still laughing. i can still hear you if i try. i see you every time i close my eyes. i look for you in every crowd. even though i know youll never be there. i hold out hope that you faked your death and ran away and maybe ill be the lucky one to find you.

i know thats not real, i saw you in that casket.

i keep replaying what you said to me the night before you died: “we were born to be best friends.”

you were right, half of me is buried with you. and half of you remains with me. some days it feels like youre sitting right next to me. most days i fall asleep on the couch pretending my head is still in your lap.

do you still think im a flower?

im still sorry i wasnt there.

can i see you in my dreams tonight?

[catgirlinfluencer]

at one point, i just started to feel really pathetic every single time i let people make me feel so sad, so small. i felt awful not just because of how i was treated, but because of the way it made me feel, too. being talked to like i deserve no dignity or respect, like that in and of itself is conditional, can be brutal especially when its your own family. and i hate, hate, hate, feeling like i just turn into a sad, pathetic bleating animal whenever i feel this. oh, woe is me, ive never lived with anyone who accepts me wholeheartedly and would never take away respect to me whenever they feel like it. who gives a shit anyways?

and really, that sentiment was the basis for how 14/15 year old me started to feel at that point in my life. yeah, people didnt love me. people found me annoying. i was ugly, weird, had 0 social skills, and barely qualified for being either a boy or a girl, so i was the weirdo. sp what? what then, huh? what do i do with that?

what ive always done. Nimodo. no other way around it. pick yourself up and be your biggest support. find refuge in yourself and the things that make You happy. you already know theres nobody you can count on, nobody you can really, truthfully rely on. nobody out here who could save you or would want to in the blink of an eye. alright, well, whatever. just keep going. what other choice do you have?

i used to think suicide was one of my choices. but i never actually went through with it. throughout the various points in my life where i ideated ending my life in exchange for an escape from a meaningless, stupid, and frankly ridiculous existence, i never actually took the steps towards it. ive always been someone whos had to self regulate, pull myself back from everything. i dont put myself out there, i dont try to be daring, i dont raise my voice and i dont end a conversation without a thank you or a polite goodbye. i guess part of that discipline showed itself when i wanted to end it all, but just didnt.

so its always just brought me back to square one... what do you do? you just have. to keep. fucking. going. no matter what. youre down? sad? life keeps going. time keeps passing through you and around you. nothing can change how you feel, so why mope about it?

i guess another way to phrase it is, i know nobody out here is ever going to be there for me wholeheartedly, so why even bother caring about that? ill put all my energy into loving being alone and by myself. its what i can make msot of it, at least.

a part of me still wishes this wasnt the case, of course. id give anything to change this all. to have friends who visit me, to not be the crutch or the punching bag for once, to just be me and be loved for being me. of course i wish someone out there didnt think i was annoying, or that my interests are weird. of course i wish i wasnt so fucking self concious every moment of my waking life, and that i didnt have to calculate or reflect upon every movement and sound i make. of course i wish i didnt care how my family isnt gentle, or that i always feel jealous or like an annoyance. i wish i had a full complete family, someone who was here for me always. i wish i never had to learn to be by myself always, or to expect nothing from anyone.

but i cant change it. so what does it matter?

[pretendstoread]

first...second...second first

it's funny that every time i think about writing i never really know what to say. i don't remember making this account in 2018, or writing for the first time on here. i've gone back and forth between journaling--where to do it, if it's even helping me--and there's a strong chance that i'll move on from this just like the other journals and modes of expression.

i've just been kinda uninspired. i fear that i wasnt born to be an artist. i dont think i Do enough. i dont really photograph. nothing really inspires me anymore. i'm kinda worried that new york's tap has run dry, but i dont think it's effective to blame the city i live in instead of myself. this has been a problem of mine for years now. why is it so hard to express yourself?!! i feel like i have a lot in me and yet no way to show for it. i dont know if i have a good work life balance. i dont know if thats even the problem? it's just.....so easy to do nothing....? but it doesnt make me happy??? but i keep doing nothign anyway??? maybe THIS is the first step to that. there's a bit of ego in making this. like. diary public. though i dont really think anyone will see it (and i don't care (but i will tag this anyway and maybe check if it gets any notes)). but i dont mean it to be egotistical.

i am a product of post internet use. i grew up expressing myself online. i was on facebook in fifth grade, tumblr in middle school, wattpad/ao3 and stan twitter in high school, art school in college, and back on twitter as a young adult. there has never been a point where i wasn't trying to put myself out there somehow, to be seen and shared and agreed with or admired or congratulated or impressed by. this pressure To Be Seen at 24 feels the most strong. the strongest ever felt. everywhere all the time i see and am told that i have so much time and that 20s are just the beginning. but it doesnt feel that way at all. it LOOMS over me. life shouldnt be Established but it should be.....Impressive? thats the second time i used impressive in this post so thats some subconscious thing going on there. But much of life right now is waking up, going to work, hating work, coming home, sitting on the couch until it's time for bed (which i either fall asleep right there or lazily flop into bed--and consequently miss taking my antianxiety meds), and then i wake up all over again. there's nothing to really show for. i don't feel like an interesting person. i dont feel like i do enough for myself. i guess i have a fear that i will be in this cycle for so long that one day it's 20 years later and nothings reallllllly changed. like. fundamentally.

i cannot think that far ahead. i have no ten year plan, 5 year, one year, 6 months...but i will be a fucking doomer about myself every chance i get. it's, of course, easier to catastrophize in the moment. lower expectations = less chance of disappointment! i think it's also interesting that the only things i really journal about are negative thoughts. wtf is that about. i'm not even necessarily unhappy right now.

things that make me feel Happy:

having enough food in the house that i can make something without having to go out or order in

laying in the sun on the beach after getting bodied by waves

creme soda

when i'm wearing a dress and dont care about my underwear showing (i like to spread! im sitting knees up at my desk right now!!)

catching someone i like looking at me (does it mean anything extra if they're drinking something at the same time....? and they don't break eye contact...?)

customizable internet--the past now....i remember when tumblr was a WEBSITE more than an APP. we must free ourselves from The Profile.

[abimee]

notable mentions:

that night where we just kept posting That One donkey kong gif on twitter

i accidently skipped grahas cutscene in ultima thule thinking i was just skipping some padding before seeing The Bridge and going NAUR. FUCK and mags laughing about it

my mom waking me up back when i lived in the living room because i was trying to go to bed early (around 6 pm) so thay i could be awake for endwalker midnight release and my mom thought i was depressed so she woke me up to check on me

getting an ear infection from how excited i was about endwalker and then it got delayed two weeks

that dreadul letters from producer live stream where they all had to keep telling z*nos fans to please go rewatch the cutscene and stop asking them if he was coming back. the politest form of ''dumbass use your eyes'' ive ever seen

remembering yoshi p saying fandaniel wasnt the main antahonist of endwalker and smiling about it at the level 90 dungeon

mags waiting for me on the moon after we parted the night before going ''what the dog doing?" and i was like ???? and saw the dog. and i followed the dog. and we just kept going ''what the dog doing?" "what the dog doing.." until the dog (and mags) lead me to that dreadeful fucking part of the moon content

when we get our first cutscene with hythlodaeus with her face cut off i was too busy being so fucking excited seeing all the amaurotine masks and their voices that i did not put two and two together and thoiught ''oh is that elidibus? thats cool but im having amaurotine autism right now so ill think about that later'' and then mags excitedly poking me about it cause she recognized it was hythlo and was waiting to see my reaction, which was no reaction and my dumbass had to get it spelled out to me AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AS HER NUMBER ONE FAN NO LESS!!!!

every time without fail they showed me a horshy cutscene i said into the discord mic ''oh im going to kill myself'' and then after that vrtra one where they showed horshy then papalymo im p sure i made the worlds nastiest guttural sound right into mags ear

me and mags screaming during the dinner scene like we were in a haunted house attraction gripping each other ''RYLAN GET ME OUT OF HERE'' ''I DONT WANNA BE HEREEEEEEEEEEEEE"

everything about entering elpis was a category 34 autism moment but i was so excited about getting the sophist robes that i literally couldnt speak and just quietly glammed them on while occasionally making dying boar noises

i have so many fun endwalker memories i still need to make comics of but i still think the top three funniest ones are:

me and mags going ''I CLAPPED WHEN I SAW IT'' whenever we saw cutscenes that happened in the trailer, well into the point where there'd be a dead silence and one of us would try choking out ''i clapped when i saw it'' before bursting into hysterics halfway through / mumbling it after an absolutely DREADEFUL cutscene

in the elpis section me and mags parted ways cause it was a work night so mags went off to bed leaving at around the charbdis flying bit, but i was in PST time so i decided to keep going until i hit a dungeon/trial and wait for mags there, thinking ''oh this is a cute section i wanna keep going'' and then winding up in bed at 3 am feeling absolutely fucking dreadeful about what i just witnessed

i did the level 87 trial before mags did and then went along with him and he got disconnected a few minutes in there and i think it took him like 40 minutes to get back into the game CRYING EMOJIIII

[thunderon]

heyyy thunderon, i wasnt sure who to ask about this so i figured I'd go to you cause you seem to pick up on a LOT of things in tlt. Do you have any idea of the significance of the icons at the start of the chapters in NtN? It's really killing me that i have absolutely no clue why certain skulls show up when they do.

im very flattered you thought of me!! and ill give it a go. i haven’t gone through every chapter and im not confident, but i think a lot of the headers are meant to sorta signify a character/event in that chapter? this is potentially me giving meaning where there is none, but here’s me tentatively picking at some examples:

the 3rd House skull appears as the chapter header on chapters 8/13. chapter 8 is when nona makes the fake radio call to crown and chapter 13 is a crown-centric chapter where she takes care of judith.

chapter 16 (tower symbol) is when ianthe + gideon (aka the Tower Princes) appear on the broadcast.

chapter 20 (1st house skull) is when ianthe arrives (on God’s behalf) and reunites with crown. chapter 21 (3rd house fractured skull) is when we find out crown bugged ianthe.

imho each symbol sorta corresponds with a major event of the chapter, and i think particularly the split house skull image holds a meaning of its own. i think it could sorta symbolizes that tear between allegiances and identities (and identity is a HUGE theme in the novel.) and it actually repeats:

chapter 5 is when we get a HEAVY hint that it’s harrows body. chapter 22 is when nona disguises herself as harrow. chapter 24 is when nona finds gideon. chapter 25 is when gideon wakes up, and we kinda get that sense that she’s not quite what we left with. continuing on:

chapter 23 is when camilla and pal duel (and defeat) ianthe. chapter 28 is when they die and become Paul.

chapter 14 is a regular nona chapter with some hints about her identity thrown in. chapter 19 is when nona has her tantrum and part of alecto’s old memories (fighting with a two-hander) are unleashed. the open tomb symbol also appears again on chapter 32 (when the tomb is actually opened).

maybe its a coincidence or im just forcing it to have meaning, but that’s kinda my take on it at the moment. i might think some more on this later… very interesting!!!

[mcytblrconfessions]

Need to get this off my chest. okay so in early 2020 I had some friends who were like really into the dream smp, and we had this bit where I pretended to hate it. I would also purposely know as little bit about it as possible, guess what smp could possibly stand for and purposely mix up the names of guys I knew just to get them riled up. It was the night of January something, I don’t remember when, but the lore that night was dream going to jail and that whole shebang. Something snapped in me and I texted a close friend. “ive been trying to convince them that the dsmp sucks….they won’t believe it unless its from the inside. I just don’t like it and there’s no way to convince them that it’s bad…unlesss…” my friend was like hm okay [name] but it was too late. I had committed. I threw myself in! The dream smp is very unapproachab… All the lore, everything, especially at that point in the timeline. My solution to that was to do everything. Every morning I would wake up about an hour before I had to log into online classes and spend the whole time watching dsmp animatics. Sadist, mother mother, derivikat, ycgma, I watched them all. It was confusing at first, sure, but every time I was confused about something I would check the wiki And go down a rabbit hole. to keep up with the lore as it happened I had the google doc. Then 80 pages long, it listed everything from the beginning. Last time I checked on it, it was more than 150. i made myself a twitch account and subscribed to every big name I could think of, and when I had a free moment I would tune into whatever stream was going on. There always was one. I distinctly remember the first one I ever watched, it was tommyinnit on a fetch quest to build the big innit hotel. I was intrigued. I should probably mention a few things, one being that I’d never really gotten into Minecraft as a game. I’d only played it a handfull of times and wasnt too familiar with the mechanics. The next one is that I kept up the ruse. Every time one of my friends brought up Wilbur soot or whoever else, I would fake anger. not all of it was fake. I was genuinely sick of hearing about these men. the real thing I was faking was not knowing what they were talking about. I felt conflicted, sometimes. Was i not just as bad as them? I reassured myself. No, my appreciation was ironic. I wasn’t obsessed, and was perfectly normal. This was just a bit. A prank. I was just committed. Over the course of a few week (me doing the above every day!) I formed my own opinions on the characters, even favs. I wouldn’t call them comfort characters, but there was something familiar about sitting down at the end of a long school day to watch a compilation of ghostbur clips, or that same american pie animatic that I assured myself i only liked because of the song. i was in deep, and it began to show. My friend was on mcyt twt, and I got an idea, a prank within a prank if you will. I made a fake Wilbur soot stan account to follow her and become mutuals, but she realized within a few minute. subtlety has never been my strong suit. was she suspicious, even then? she would watch streams while on FaceTime with me, and I would make fun while secretly trying to hear what was going on. i felt like I was unraveling. my friends would make jokes that I shouldn’t have been able to understand, and I would struggle not to laugh or even join in. Do you remember the origin friend who I had told my plan? i think she knew something was up, by how often I would chat with her about things. it’s said that parasocial relationships can be negative, and I guess that’s what I had with dream. the whole gang, really. At the same time, it was more. from the beginning I hadn’t just watched lore bits, it had been out of character bits too. I just was too lazy to filter my experience. It would be the occasional tommy vlog, or just an animated interaction between cc’s. It was enough, though. I knew these people and this lore better than many a person who would consider themself a fan, and I wasn’t too happy about it. Something needed to give. I proposed

to my friends, as subtly as I could. ”Why not have a PowerPoint night?” By this point, a month and a half or maybe two had passed since I started this whole cursed project. I just wanted to rid myself of it. I quickly pulled together a powerpoint on why I hated the dsmp, complete with evidence and everything. it was funny, but hardly worth it. As I typed, I realized something horrifying. I knew too much. the bit wasn’t funny anymore. when I wrote out two paragraphs about not liking technoblade character, my friends werent the punchline, I was. I quickly deleted. I put the barebones of learning about the dreams smp without them knowing, but nothing too revealing. They had to know, but not too much. powerpoint night, I had a pounding headache. My best friend was late, I didn’t know where she was. I couldn’t give the PowerPoint without her. I had been hyping everyone up about some mind blowing slideshow for weeks, and i was the last to go. I ended up giving it without my best friend, who I had been lying to. I stumbled on my words, I could barely get through without laughing. Or was it choking? The laughing was uproarious; was it at me? My friend came, and I had to start over. She giggled. I went to bed to the deepest sleep of my life. From there, things started to heal. I could finally make those jokes I was talking about, as long as i didn’t let too much slip. I slowly waned off the animatics, though far later than I’d like to admit. My friends‘ interest died off, and we moved on to other things.( Last I remember keeping up with the lore, technoblade was in jail.) I think things are better now, but I still think about that period freuquentl, even with a little nostalgia. I know years from now I will consider that phase an important part of my growth during this year, even if I can’t tell anyone else. And that’s what really kills me. I can’t let anyone know. My friend who knew since the beginning, I think she suspected. But well, none of them will every know how deeply and truly I became an mcyt stan.

i thought tumblr had a character limit for asks.

[jinxhallows]

Uninvited [ Part X ]

Uninvited. a short-ish series ft. Felix, Chan and Hyunjin (& a sprinkle of Jisung for a little razzle dazzle)

cw: 100% AU, afab reader, blood and gore descriptions, ritual self-bloodletting, supernatural creature themes/tropes, vampire theme/tropes, hybrid theme/tropes.

word count: 4.4k

part one -> click here

part two -> click here

part three (explicit content) -> click here

part four -> click here

part five (explicit content) -> click here

part six -> click here

part seven -> click here

part eight -> click here

part nine -> click here

-----

**taglist <3 (If I missed anyone let me know! it wasnt on purpose i tried to comb all my posts and make sure )

@planetdemon ; @a-person-with-void ; @haleyms ; @wonhottcakes ; @hydroyaksha ; @just-randomm-stuff ; @sooinvu ; @ninjaleeknow ; @thegoddessharmony ; @kittycatkrissa ; @ominous-crow ;

——–

Part Ten

Little witch… 

Little witch… 

A cramp in your stomach causes your body to lurch forward with a gasp. 

Jisung is beside you, holding a makeshift torch in his hand.  You look around, beyond where you sat, and you can see nothing but surrounding vast, dark woods. Albeit, vibrantly.

The only source of light is from Jisung’s flame. 

“I didn’t think you’d make it here.” He finally speaks breathlessly, a look of deep concern settling into his round features.  Jisung stands to his feet and offers you his hand, helping you back up to your feet once more. 

“Make it—where?” You look around, still grimacing from the cramps.   

Were you doomed to this kind of pain in the afterlife too? 

The afterlife. 

Everything sweeps over you, and you look Jisung up and down in disbelief. 

“He did the spell...I-I died…in Felix’s arms, why—why are you here?” 

Jisung shrugs apathetically.  “Ancient magick is unstable, and we don’t have any elders left to show us how to do things the right way all the time.” He holds up his torch in the darkness, surveying the surroundings you two were stranded in.   

Jisung had been in these strange and complex pockets of alternate dimensions on more than one unfortunate occasion.  Life and Death was nothing to toy around with.  He learned at a young age how fragile the glass was between these worlds, and jumping back and forth between them could send a nasty crack spiraling open.  It took great skill, great patience and resourcefulness to bring yourself back to full form, without any errors.  Jisung’s parents called it “playing God”, and it could be done, but not without a great sacrifice.  When his ancestors passed in their old age, they refused to return, instead, lending their ancient power to the next of kin. 

Once it funneled down into Jisung, he found himself wielding a power beyond his wildest expectation.  He was sick for nearly a year in a coma the moment he set foot into his teenage years.  When he finally came to in the Intensive Care Unit, he knew how to conjure things the old Jisung could not wrap his mind around– and he could manifest his magick in ways that astonished his parents. 

Jisung had to learn to remain in control of himself every waking moment and ended up spending more of his childhood on discipline than being a normal teenager.

It was something in his childhood that he held in common with Chan, and was a reason why they had become such good friends throughout working alongside one another.

So, yeah, he could bring himself back from death with little to spare; but bringing himself and another? Without clear-cut help from the other side? For the first time, Jisung felt sincere…doubt. 

He wasn’t ready to die.  Not yet.  Not like this. 

“Edith was already resurrected, I guess we were too late…it took two sacrifices, and I don’t even know if it worked.” Jisung sighs. “I was doing well, going on 90 years death free.  Fuckin’ bitch.” 

He notices you as you stumble against a nearby tree, feeling more pain, unable to focus on anything he was rambling on about. 

“Little witch? Whoa whoa—“he catches you, helping you to stabilize once more. “What’s wrong?” 

You take in a deep, painful breath.  “My stomach is like…killing me Jisung.  I can barely see straight.” The ache gets worse, making you fall to your knees and start to dry heave. 

“Shit.” He mutters.  Jisung thinks quickly, setting the torch between the nook of the low set branches in the nearby tree before he drops down beside you. His touch is not comforting for reasons you don't seem to understand, and you look over at him, trying to manage a way to express it. 

Jisung falls back from you once your eyes meet…crawling away slowly as he holds his hand up. 

“Stay there, little witch, don’t move— “ 

You don’t know what he’s talking about, you’re in pain and now growing alarmed at his sudden yield. You crawl towards him, but Jisung shakes his head, gives you a soft ‘i'm sorry’ before he speaks words in a foreign tongue and you blackout. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------   

“You can’t seriously trust this girl?” 

“I don’t but do you have any other witches on hand before time runs out? If we don’t consecrate them by Dawn, we will lose every chance at bringing them back.” Felix explains to his brother.

Chan was being understandably difficult.  He didn’t want to consecrate your body; he didn’t want to accept you were even gone. 

Surely it was his fault.   

He knew this.   

He allowed himself to develop a weakness for you that he never saw coming. Here, he had allowed history to indeed, repeat itself once more.

If he had not become consumed with bloodlust; he could have stopped the spell from happening.  Edith would have been back, sure, but Chan always could figure out a solution, and he would have found a way to kill her for eternity and do so while his brothers and you both remained alive. 

Jisung would’ve remained alive. 

Chan’s body had gone through cycles of tears that made his throat ache; and pure, silent disassociation throughout the night prior when they first brought you and Jisung's bodies back to the estate.

Chan proceeded to not sleep at all during the following day, rendering him weaker than usual, and when night fell once more, the time to consecrate drew near, and he feared having to face another dark reality. 

Chan was all cleaned up; twice over now. He was dressed in a black short sleeved shirt, fitted to his handsome figure and tucked into his black slacks which were secured by an awfully expensive belt with a square gold buckle. A black leather watch with a gold face perfectly wraps around his right wrist, and a collection of black rings decorate his left hand.   Chan doesn’t care much about his dark indigo hair, clean but lazily blown out and styled, he fingers through it to push it over to the side how you had seemed to like it.  If he was going to see you one last time, for an exceedingly long time, he was going to look his very best for you.    Felix steps into the living room alongside the blonde-haired witch from the shop, Emily. Chan spots them in the mirror he’s positioned in front of. Disapproving eyes scan the girl in the mirror and his expression hasn’t a hint of compassion in it. 

Quite different from the flirtatious gentleman that had graced her during his attempted infiltration. 

Chan looks down and sighs before he turns around and directs his eye contact to his snow haired younger brother. 

“Shall we begin?” He says, walking past the two hastily, making his way outside to where Hyunjin stood with the two bodies, wrapped in cloth and both resting on wooden tables outside in the fields.

Chan wordlessly ducks under the plum tree before he stands in front of the body, both of his hands clasped together in front of his torso, expression unreadable and blank. 

Hyunjin carefully observes his brother’s attempt at holding it together for a few brief seconds before he decides to speak up. 

“We’re going to bring them back brother.  And it won’t take a millennium.” He says confidently. 

Chan’s eyes flit up from the bodies to Hyunjin.  He watches the flame that burns on the fire dance in his scarlet haired brother’s eyes. 

“The fire in your eyes…it’s from the flame we’ve set tonight brother but—the flame that’s been in your eyes since you were born, that’s what I see when I look at you Hyunjin.” Chan looks back down at the fire yet again. He believes his younger brother's words. 

“You survived a hell I’ve never known, and you have a resilience I’ll never comprehend, so brother,” He tilts his head, focusing on the flames, 

“I know we will.” 

Felix and Emily join the elder brothers outside.  Chan doesn’t move much, in fact, he remains eerily still; his brown eyes, like those of a predator, begin shifting to olive, and to amber as he keeps steady watch on Emily while she whispers foreign tongues over Jisung’s body, and then yours, while anointing you both with herbs steeped in oils that spill from a golden goblet. It's engraved with intricate depictions of war and resurrection.  Her pale fingers cover most of it, but Chan had lived long enough to understand hieroglyphic-like imagery. 

He’s waiting to hear her heartbeat spike before she tries anything, he’s listening to the way blood moves through her circulatory system, he’s preparing to smell the fear increase in her.   

Why would the witch who had led him into a trap so he could be killed by her family, suddenly decide she wanted to be helpful?   

What did she gain from this? 

“Felix, could you, maybe help me out?” Emily turns to the freckled vampire, her blonde hair falling over her shoulder.  Felix had been quiet for some time now.  He joins her side as they stand over your body.  His hand rests on the small of her back as they speak in hushed whispers. 

Chan crosses his arms as he rolls his eyes, looking over at Hyunjin, who meets it with a similar sentiment before the red-haired vampire draws his lower lip in between his teeth to stop from smiling. 

“Something wrong?” Felix quietly asks Emily, noticing her hesitation over your body, the uncertainty in her eyes. Unfortunately, there was no time for such a pause.  He speaks again, “You know we have to get this done soon. If we’re to have any chance at bringing them back–” 

“That’s just it, Felix.” Emily shifts uncomfortably, looking down at her goblet.  Her voice is barely above a whisper.  “I can practically feel your brother waiting to kill me if I mess up and…something's wrong, and I don’t know what to do.  They’re both not…gone.  Not yet.  There's something...tethering them–” 

“'Something’s wrong?' What do you mean 'something’s wrong?'” Chan’s hybrid hearing doesn’t let anything slip past, and he’s approaching your body, splitting up Felix and Emily by merging between them. 

There would be no secrets held here tonight. 

--------------------------------------------------------------

You don’t even realize you’ve blacked out until you see the world above you fade back into focus. 

Your head feels heavy, as if you were knocked out. Were you knocked out? Had Jisung hexed you?  You don’t feel any more pain, instead, your stomach just grumbles a little. 

You realize you’re on the cold ground as you dust your hands off and come up to your feet.  Its the same spot where Jisung left you earlier.  He looked…panicked.  Where could he have gone in these woods?  It was dark all around you, and no stars in the sky above. 

In fact, it was so dark, you weren’t sure how you were still able to make out the shapes of the trees and their intricate branches. 

“JISUNG!” You call out, looking around you at the endless darkness.  You breathe heavily, waiting to hear a reply. 

“JISUNG!” You yell again, beginning to feel uneasy.   

As if someone is holding the scent right under your nose, a sweet, floral and berry smell wafts by.  You move so quick, too quick, to turn around; and you stumble over your feet from a thick chain that’s been lasso’d around your throat.  You're yanked down onto your back, your head slams against the dirt.  Your vision hazes in and out as someone hovers over you. 

When you realize it's not Jisung, you try to sit up, but are instead violently pulled down once more.  Frustration fills you until you feel an object, hard and sharp pierce the skin of your chest, causing you great pain. 

“Hey.  Don’t kill her.” 

“You said she was turning, didn’t you?” 

Jisung’s voice helps you to concentrate a little more on what’s going on.  You manage to lift your head enough to see him, holding the torch that was providing the illumination around you.  He stands a few feet away, looking between you and the woman above you. 

“No, I said I don’t know what’s going on and she could be turning.” He replies sharply.  “Take the fucking stake out of her chest, Amelia.  I won’t ask twice.” 

You weren't used to hearing such hostility in Jisung's tone. It nearly rendered his voice unrecognizable.

“Ame–lia?” You choke out.  The pressure and sharp pain is lifted from your chest, and you cough, sitting up and feeling the rusted iron chain around your neck; you curl your fingers around it as you lift it so you can take in a deep breath. 

“Jisung.  Explain.  Now.” You pant, looking at him with a fierce gaze.  He takes a step, hesitates, and then decides to come over and kneel beside you.  Amelia, with a thick, long crown of curly haired and smudged blood and dirt over her ripped shirt and pants, stands over you two, keeping a watchful eye, fingers wrapped tightly around the wooden stake in her hand.  Her dark brows are furrowed, but she also looks concerned. 

“Earlier, you, didn’t look like yourself…when you looked at me, your eyes…they reminded me of Chan right before he…turns.” Jisung’s eyes bounce over you, down your body and back up to your eyes.  “But now…” his voice trails as he shakes his head in disbelief. 

“You look…normal, I don’t–I don’t understand.” His hand lays on your shoulder.  Silence passes between you two as you look at one another, lost for words. 

“I do.” Amelia’s voice breaks the silence as she holds the stake to the bloodied hole in your shirt where she nearly pierced you moments earlier. You hold your breath, expecting another pinch, when instead, she pulls the hole open more to expose the wound.

Or rather, the lack of one.

The sinewy fibers of muscle and skin were slowly beginning to weave themselves together again. It was gradual, but happening in front of your own eyes.

You and Jisung look up to her.  Amelia sets the stake down on the ground gently, and you notice her eyes wellling with tears.  She sniffs and wipes her cheek with the back of her hand as she crouches next to you. 

“She’s pregnant.” 

----------------------------------------------------------

  “Christophe, stop–” 

Chan’s fingers release Emily’s throat and she falls to the ground, gasping for air. 

“Brother, a minute, please?” Hyunjin asks in a strained voice as he jerks his head to the treeline of the forest before disappearing into it.  Chan’s fist curls at his side as his jaw flexes in barely contained hostility.  He turns to Felix as he points to Emily. 

“Finish the ceremony or I will hang her skin from your bed frame.”  

His nostrils flare briefly, and he turns on his heels and is gone in a blur after Hyunjin.  Chan catches up with his younger brother amongst the maple and pine trees.  Hyunjin is leaning his back against a thick tree trunk, arms crossed over his chest.  He wears a white V-neck and dark jeans.  His silken, cherry hair is pulled into a ponytail, with wild ruby strands framing his beautiful porcelain face.  He looks vastly different from the savage Hyunjin that was trapped in purgatory for a millenia. 

“The pretty witch was an anomaly, you know this Christophe, what if–what if Emily’s right?” 

Chan is pacing, albeit slowly between two large trees. 

“She’s fucking lying brother.  She’s lying  Little witch, she’s a–threat to Emily’s entire family for siding with us and bringing you back.  They probably told her to say this–” 

“But what if…she’s right?” Hyunjin calmly repeats, voice airy and soft. Chan’s pacing takes pause, but he doesn’t look up, not yet. 

“What if we move too hastily and actually kill her? If there is a chance she’s alive, like I was, then she’s in there fighting for her life right now to get back here, to get back to you.  And there’s a good chance Jisung is right alongside her…which means, he’s not gone yet either.” 

Hyunjin’s logic is sound, and his experience speaks volumes over it. Usually, Felix was the voice of reason, but in most cases, Hyunjin was always the one that could get through to Chan the quickest. 

“There’s no pulse in either one of them.” Chan says, and for the first time, Hyunjin finally hears just how broken he truly was. 

“I know.” Hyunjin’s voice settles over Chan like a warm blanket. Hyunjin doesn’t provide answers he isn’t certain of, but he actively acknowledges the pain his brother was experiencing.  Hyunjin pushes himself from the tree and rests his large hands on the shoulders of his elder brother. Chan stares off to the left, trying, once more, to hold it together. 

“There’s…no...pulse…” Chan repeats, as thick tears stir in his eyes and spill over the edges. Saying it aloud is breaking his heart all over again. When his chest begins to take staggered sobs that he holds firmly onto, Hyunjin pulls him into a deep embrace, hugging his brother tight. 

“It’s okay to not be okay, brother.” The younger vampire speaks delicately to Chan’s brokenness. He pulls back from the hug, and their foreheads press together. Chan’s face is streaked with the tears of his mourning; Hyunjin’s eyes shine with tears of his own, held back. He was better at disguising his emotion than Chan. Hyunjin's hands cup around the back of Chan’s neck as he sniffs back any further weeps, his gaze growing darker, more deviant, unhinged. 

“But it is not okay to let that cloud your sensibility. I want to kill the witch too, you see, but we hear her out first.  She’s more useful to us alive, especially if her family comes looking for her. Be patient, brother. You will have your revenge.” 

“But Felix–” Chan stares back at his brother, tempted by the malice in his tone. It was something Chan had grown to hate about himself. Somewhere, inside of him, there lay at rest, a monster. Something rooted deep within him loved the idea of bringing harm to others who had wronged him.  It felt too good afterwards. But he forced himself to let it go, to create as much peace as he could gather, to become a leader not by fear, but by true admiration of character.  

Chan had grown to put that part of himself away for many, many years, but now that Hyunjin was back…well...the younger sibling knew just how to bring it back out of him. 

“Felix let Amelia die in your arms so he could sire her for his own use.” Hyunjin steps back, allowing his words to take effect. 

Chan shakes his head. “What he did was, it was a mistake but–that’s our brother-” 

“That’s the truth, Christophe.” 

Emily and Felix are soon reunited with the other brothers as they emerge from the tree line. Chan strides over to Emily and squats down in front of her, his hands held together, elbow resting on his thigh. She stares at him, ready to flinch, to react, anything. 

Then, the sapphire haired hybrid finally breaks the ominous silence as he extends his hand to help her stand to her feet.  

“Tell me exactly what you need to bring my little witch and my bestfriend back.” 

-----------------------------------------------------------------   

Jisung sits in front of you on the ground. His hand rests over his mouth as he leans on his thigh and stares off into the wilderness. His brain is calculating, thinking, and processing. He looks focused, dark hair falling over his creased brows. There isn’t a hint of lightheartedness about him in this moment and you realize—this was an ultimate test of Jisung's strength. 

“How long has it been since you’ve died?” You ask, breaking his focus as he glances up at you. His expression softens and his eyes drop back down to his lap as he sighs. 

“90 years.” He murmurs, rubbing tiny pebbles from the ground between his fingertips. “It’s tough...ya’know? Humans are so...fragile.” 

“So... why haven’t you ever asked Felix or Chan to turn you?” 

He answers you with a light chuckle, a brief puff of air leaving his nose as he draws the corner of his mouth up into a crooked smile. 

“Because I am a Han.” He picks up a lone pebble and tosses it into the darkness. “My blood, it can’t take the transformation. Too much...” he waits to find the right word, “...power. And really if I’m bein’ honest--” Jisung takes a deep breath in before blowing it out. 

“Every time I come back; I feel myself getting weaker. Those hybrids and witches back at the warehouse? 90 years ago, they wouldn’t have made it past the doorframe.” He meddles with the soil in front of him once more, the curtains of his satin, ebony locks drawing the conversation to a close. 

You don’t speak for a long while, a few minutes that feel like hours. 

“I felt weird at the graveyard, like I could feel my body almost...vibrating when danger was close. Then…when I…went into the tomb I could…feel him, I could feel Chan down there even though I had no idea where he was. That wasn’t me…was it?” You finally break your long, fixed stare from the ground and look at Amelia, who was now seated on a nearby fallen tree log. It was chilly, dark, and wet, and Jisung had managed to start a fire, which was also a good sign–he still had some ability to conjure.  

“It’s not like that…you’re still–you but enhanced.” Amelia explains, her right knee hugged to her chest as her left leg hangs loosely over the edge of the log.   

She lay her cheek on her kneecap as she fixes her eyes onto the fire. 

“So, I’m not a vampire then?” You ask. 

Amelia sighs. “Not vampire, wolf, nor hybrid or witch. Until you give birth, you will carry the traits of all four. It will change the way you conjure; you will have fainting spells and grow dangerously weak if you do not feed when the moon is full.” She tosses a stray branch into the fire, and it licks higher to the sky.   

“Tis no simple task for a woman to bear, being impregnated by a hybrid and carrying his unborn to full term.” 

Jisung turns over a smooth rock in his fingers.  “But you did it.” He adds in your defense, looking across the fire to Amelia. 

“I was murdered by my own people for it. They knew I carried a child with extraordinary gifts. This will make you a target. It was irresponsible of Christophe to even allow this to happen again.” She lets out a deep breath before dropping her knee, finally leaning closer to the fire.

“You are of my bloodline; we cannot allow something like this to happen again;. Being here too long will do us more harm than good. We are no longer the only ones who know of this.” 

“What do you mean? Who else is here?” Jisung quips aloud. 

“Are you a fool?! My mother was cast back here when Hyunjin was split from her, I sent her back with my own hands. A witch of the Pavo coven birthing a hybrid is a beacon in here, I’ve told you this!” 

You feel your eyebrows drawing together as you look over at her.  “If this baby is tethering me to the real world, then how do we get out of here?” 

Amelia shakes her head, “We are not getting out of anything.  With great luck, maybe you can, and with even greater luck, Jisung can hitch a ride, but I am dead, and I have been dead for a long while. My soul will shred if I pass back over.” 

“Is this where you came in?” Amelia asks, getting to her feet and looking up at the skies above the trees that eternally stretched upwards. 

Jisung stands up and dusts himself off as he nods.  “We’ll need a few things.” 

“I have a cabin a couple of miles away; it should have everything you need.” 

A howl pierces the dead of night around you, and the three of you freeze.

You feel the hairs on the back of your neck begin to rise. 

“Go, go, now!” Amelia breaks off into a run in the direction of her cabin.  Jisung follows close behind and so do you, until you feel like you are approaching danger. 

“Stop!” You yell, breathing heavy.  “Not that way!” 

Amelia nods in understanding of your warning, but before you can reroute, Jisung is taken down by a snapping, snarling blur of black fur. Amelia’s arm extends in front of you to prevent your reflexive foolishness from jumping in without warning, and with a curl of her fingers into a tight fist, the bones of the wolf crack as it gives one, single yelp and collapses. 

Face blown with shock, Jisung sits up, touching his intact chest and neck before looking at the scratches and blood on his hands. 

A chorus of wolf yodels and calls begin to sound off, and there is no longer any more time to waste. You look around, whipping your head back and forth, focusing on which direction smelled the clearest. 

“Eucalyptus...” You take in a big breath. “I don’t understand--” 

Amelia takes a step forward with certainty as she declares, 

“My garden! Follow it!”  

---------------------------------------------------------------- 

“So you want me to believe, that an elementary witch, can open a makeshift gate to the afterlife? But to do it, all three of us have to be totally incapacitated so she can channel our power?” Chan grows more frustrated by the minute.

Before, he would’ve done anything to prolong having to give you your final farewell; but now it was late in the night, going on 3 in the morning, and within a couple of hours, Dawn would soon approach, and the opportunity would be gone. 

“As far as I know from mother’s works, it sounds like the only option we have right now.” Felix explains, “Unless you have something better?” 

Chan wants to speak but bites his tongue as he lifts a pointer finger to Felix, saying everything with the ferocity of the silence in his pissed off expression before he turns around and exhales, fingers gliding through wisps of his hair. 

“I don’t care for this method either, no matter the accuracy.” Hyunjin adds, finger to his lips as he thinks. 

“Try with Christophe and Felix, I’ll just standby.” 

Felix shakes his head in immediate protest. “Hyunjin there are four points to the gate,” he proceeds to point to himself before he goes to each person standing around, “One, Two, Three, Four.” 

“Damn it!” Chan shouts.  

The eldest brother rarely does this, and the bass in his chest causes the other two to recoil from their debate.

Chan intertwines his fingers in a nest atop his sea of hair as he brings himself back from the edge of insanity before he walks up face to face with Emily.

Breath heavy with mixed emotion, the hybrid brings his wrist up to his mouth and breaks the skin with needlepoint canines, spilling his blood as he holds his wrist out and wipes the excess from his lips with the fingers of his free hand. 

Emily scrambles to tear a piece of the cloth from around your body and Jisung's. Chan watches the baby witch as she kneels under his extended arm, catching the precious blood on the white cloth. It soaks into the fibers of the fabric instantly. She nods for Felix to approach next. He looks at Chan and they share an exchange of wordless eye contact that called for conversations to be held at a later time. 

Felix gently punctures his wrist, a lot neater, perhaps due to the thinner build of his pureblood vampire teeth. Licking his lips, he clenches his fist, soaking the cloth with his own blood before he gives Emily a small, supportive smile and steps back. 

“There is no witch worth my life.” Hyunjin speaks aloud, quite adamantly in fact.

He then takes a step forward.

“But I owe Jisung many a favor, I’ll consider this one of them.” 

Hyunjin bites into the edge of his palm and holds it over the cloth innocently, but he jerks it back into his grip, sending Emily stumbling forward, just inches away from his face. Hyunjin's ice blue eyes could be both beautiful, and terrifying.

“I am not my brothers. Do keep this in mind, useless witch.” 

[nikrangdan]

lovestruck!enhypen x reader

pairing: lovestruck!enhypen x reader

genre: FLUFF fluff Fluff

description: how enhypen would be if they became lovestruck by the reader ☹️☹️ this is such an adorable request!!!! itll vary for each member ur relationships so you’ll either be strangers or already dating etc.

a/n: idk if all of them are lovestruck exactly bc i just got carried away with the fluff for some of them and idky maknae line revolves around sleeping BUT IDC sleepy!enhypen is the best 😁

———————

HEESEUNG

u worked at a pretty popular clothing store

and well well well heeseung had shown up dressed very much your style so u were like

Wow who is this guy....

he was alone just looking around

and there were like 10 other people in the store but u wanted to talk to him so bad so u went up like

“hi, welcome! are u finding everything okay?”

he was looking through a rack of shirts and turned around when he heard u but WOW

when this man turned around he looked even better in person u couldnt believe it 😫

BUT IT SEEMS HE FELT THE SAME BC U SWEAR HE BECAME SO FLUSTERED WHEN HE TURNED AROUND

his eyes got so wide u almost laughed it was so cute ☹️

he stuttered and was like “oh um im okay”

Aw man

but u said “okay then! let me know if you need any help finding anything or if u wanna use a dressing room!” and u sent him ur nicest smile u could give

his eyes were still kinda wide open and u gave him one last look before turning around😢😢

BUT THEN HE SAID SOMETHING

“w-wait! actually.. um....uh.. do u.. do u guys have sweatpants..?”

u giggled to urself on the inside bc u knew he just made that up on the spot

“we do! here, follow me”

while u were showing him the clothes u guys had exchanged names and had some small talk

and that was the start of something very Beautiful

and since then he has been coming almost everyday to visit u at work 🤗🤗

JAY

jay swore he found new things about u to love every single day

and today wasnt an exception!!!!

u knew jay had been really tired and just worn out from work recently so u had decided to make him his favorite meal for dinner

a nice little surprise for when he got home ❤️

and also the anime he was watching ready on the tv for u two to watch together :(

u had literally been preparing all day and u even decided to go out and buy dessert too

AWESOMEST PERSON EVER U ARE!

it was 8pm already and jay should be getting home now

u set the table all neatly and put on one of his sweaters

AND WOULD U LOOK AT THAT HE GOT HOME AS SOON AS U WERE DONE

Fate 🔥🔥

romantic stuff like this wasnt really ur forte so this was out of the normal for u

but u wanted to do something for jay because he did stuff like this for u alot

the table isnt in view when u walk into the apartment so he wasnt able to see his dinner yet

“hi” you smile brightly and go up to hug him and give him a little kiss

he had his bad slung over one of his shoulders and he was taking his shoes off in the doorway after he closed it

“hey.. it smells pretty good in here” he gave you a tired smile while one of his arms was wrapped around your waist

“really? it smells normal to me” you giggled before walking to the kitchen area together

he stopped and looked at u with LITERAL HEARTS IN HIS EYES when he saw the table

jay: ❤️_❤️

“y/n..”

“surprise!!! you know im not good with words but i wanted to show you that i can cook” you laugh “and that i love you very much and im so proud of you”

jay doesnt say anything but instead drops his bag on the couch and gives u the Biggest Hug Ever

ur face is practically smushed in his chest and his hand is resting lovingly on ur hair :(((

he loves u so much im so sad

JAKE

“layla!!! layla where are you?” jake was yelling quite loudly in the massive park he was in the middle of

yeah jake lost layla.. uh oh

quite a coincidence you found the cutest dog you’d ever laid eyes on

and she seemed to love u very much

the dog had made u topple over and now she was excitedly playing with you while you were sat on the ground laughing to your hearts content

after a minute of playing you had got up because you knew she was somebodys lost dog and her owner was probably looking all over the park for her

“okay.. lets go find your owner before they have a heart attack” you giggle

just as you said that though, you heard a boys voice yell “LAYLA!!!!”

the dog next to you looked in his direction, tail wagging and tongue out, but she didnt move an inch from her spot next to you

it made me you laugh out loud

as you were watching the boy run up to you, you noticed how cute he actually was

Omg..... ur heart started beating a little faster

“hi..” the boy hunched over with his hands on his knees breathing very heavily “you have my dog”

“uh yeah” you laugh “sorry about that, she ran over to me a couple minutes ago and i was just about to go find her owner”

“its okay, thank you..” he trailed off to find out your name and finally looked up to meet your eyes

“y/n” you told him

“y/n” he repeated with a small grin on his face “im jake”

“hi jake” you lightheartedly give him your hand to shake and he chuckles before taking the offer

“and it was nice meeting you layla” you crouch down to meet her level and she licks your face making you fall on your butt

you laugh and jakes quick to help you up

“layla! thats not very nice” he jokingly scolds her and pets her head

after u got up u bid goodbye to the two before jake invited u to continue walking around the park AND HE EVEN BOUGHT U AN ICE CREAM

Is This A Date, Jake? 😫😫❤️❤️❤️❤️😳😛😛

SUNGHOON

“you should be more careful” you scold the boy sitting with you standing between his legs

sunghoon had apparently gotten elbowed in the face by his friend and scratched by his friends cat on accident????

“it wasn’t my fault! he turned around and i just happened to be in the way. and i didnt even do anything to the cat!” he whined

“i didnt say it was your fault. i said to be more careful.” you tried to sound stern

u knew ur logic was making no sense but u just thought it was so fun to mess with him

he let out a sigh and gave up, slouching over again

you were stood between his legs, wiping the blood away and applying ointment

“im just kidding, you’re so cute” one of your free hands comes up to rub his hair

a small grin pops up on his face and his arms come to rest on your waist

he looks up at you while you focus on tending to his wounds

and u guessed it WITH LITERAL HEARTS IN HIS EYES

❤️_❤️

“you know y/n” he begins

you hum in response, letting him know you’re listening

“im gonna marry you one day”

you freeze in your place

it took you a minute to collect yourself because you felt like your heart almost leaped out of your chest

“who says?” you joke

he leans up to give you a quick kiss on the lips before sitting back down

“me.”

SUNOO

you noticed sunoo had been really tired lately and u just wanted to make him feel better :((

the boys were going out and invited you two obviously but you could tell sunoo was iffy about going

“uhh..” you trail off and look over at sunoo who was laying on the couch

“you know what guys? i think me and sunoo are gonna stay home today.. you guys have fun though!” you bid goodbye to the other boys and they all understood and left

you dont even know if sunoo knew they had left already because when you walked over to him his tired eyes were glued on the tv

“hey” you leaned against the couch and looked down at him

“y/n? are we going soon?” his eyes move to the top of his head to look up at you

you start laughing and he literally goes 🤨???

“silly, they already left! so what do you wanna do?” you plop down next to him and he was in the process of sitting up

“what? when did they leave...” his mouth drops open

“like 2 minutes ago” you giggle, leaning back to rest your head

sunoo had sat still, pondering for a moment

“why did they leave us?” he turned to look at you

your eyes met his “well i figured you didnt wanna go... you didnt, right?”

he slowly shakes his head “how did you know?”

you give him a sneaky smile and jokingly push his arm “because i know you so well”

he laughs at this and leans his head on your shoulder

“wow y/n.. im impressed” he grins, snuggling into your arm

your other arm crosses over to pat him on the head, leaning your head to rest on top of his

“but thank you y/n..” his eyes slowly close to rest “im thankful for all the little things you notice about me”

u literally go 🥺

your hand goes down to squeeze his and he falls asleep peacefully on ur shoulder ☹️☹️☹️❤️

JUNGWON

“y/n..what is that” jungwons eyes can barely open as he tries to comprehend whats going on while hes waking up

you haphazardly tap around the bedside table trying to turn off the new alarm you set last night

and that new alarm was jungwon singing 🤗

“its you, dummy” your eyes were still closed but you turned to face jungwon and snuggled closer to him

“wha- where did you even get that???” he was almost fully awake now, staring down at your half asleep figure

you yawned before answering in your i-just-woke-up-and-i-should-probably-drink-some-water voice “remember when you sang me to sleep last week? yeah i was secretly recording you. no biggie” you pat his chest twice and leave your hand there, content with life at the moment Lol

“y/nnnn” he whines “change ittt i dont like it”

“you’re kidding.” you deadpan, shocked he would say such a thing!!! “jungwon you sound like an angel threw up on a field of flowers full of puppies and kittens! okay thats kinda weird maybe not that”

jungwon giggles a little and sits up so he can sit against the headboard while your head rests on his lap

“you like my singing that much?” you can hear the smile in his voice as he asks you

you finally pop one eye open to look up at him, a goofy grin in your face

“i love your singing”

his hands run through your hair and you let out a sigh at the feeling

jungwon doesnt say anything

all he does is admire you

you can feel his eyes on you so you open your eyes again (both this time🙏🏼) and meet his eyes

“i can feel you staring straight into the depths of my soul, jungwon”

he laughs at this, bring his other hand up to pinch your cheek

“i’ll sing for you whenever you want me to y/n”

NI-KI

“shut up sunghoon, hes sleeping” you whisper-scolded the boy

ni-ki was currently asleep on you

literally SPRAWLED all over your body and you were basically mummified

by nishimura riki

his legs were tangled in yours, his head shoved into your neck, and his arms were bent around you in ways you didnt know were humanly possible

“you literally have an alien taking a nap on you y/n” sunghoon deadpans before walking out the room

“when you’re asleep sunghoon i will send you into a spacecraft for the rest of your life so you can go see aliens for yourself”

“wowww im so scared y/n” the boy remarks and shuts the door

you half laugh and half scoff before turning your attention back to the ipad screen sitting on the bed infront of you

well

kind of infront of you because ni-ki’s acrobatic position was basically blocking the view

you were having a decent time watching the show playing, definitely not the most comfortable person on the planet at the moment

until you felt the body on top of you.. rumble?

you knew that feeling

ni-ki was laughing

HOW and WHY the hell was he laughing ?!!?!!?!

“what the hell?” you look down at him and his face is shoved near your shoulder but you caught a glimpse of his big smile

his laughter gets louder and you still dont have answers yet

“why are you laughing???? i thought you were sleeping?????” you try to push him off you but he was persistent in laughing in your shoulder (??)

after a couple minutes of you just letting this happen

ni-ki finally speaks!

“you’re so funny y/n” he finally pulls away from you and wipes his tears

“what are you even talking about... and how long were you awake, you sneaky kid” you poke his chest

he leans down again to hug your waist and start cuddling you again

“10 minutes”

“so you’re telling me i could’ve freed myself from that god awful demon EMBRACE you had me in 10 minutes ago???!!”

ni-ki starts laughing again and looks up at you

“thank you for threatening to send sunghoon to aliens for me y/n” he grins

you laugh, finally understanding what the boy had been going on about

“sunghoon deserved it”