#every time they fought online it was an event

[yesyourstalker]

Warabie: ........*sigh*...........

Shimi:.....mmmm

Cirrina:....*snoring*... Hmm ....hm

Ikkan: ........................... She snores like your dad

Merv: hehehe

Cirrina:...mmmmm no I don't..

Merv: *reading*..............hm......oh! ikkan look we're home..... look at that!

Ikkan: wow.....look at all that green. It's been a while since I've seen that much grass........

[hello passengers we've landed in krillarney thank you for choosing the Marlin airport]

Shimi: ugh finally....

Warabie:....*huuuuf*... let's go... So where do we rent a car or something?

Ikkan: we still need to take the ferry.....

Cirrina: *yawn*.... did we land?

Ikkan: Yeah.. let's get out of here. let me get your bag for you.

Shimi: so where do we need to go?

Warabie: You said something about a ferry

Merv: yep we need cath the bus and head over to the dock catch a ferry and head over to the house. When's the next bus coming?

Ikkan: the next bus in 2 hours.....

Shimi: 2 hours? ....ugh!

Cirrina: ok so what do we do?

Ikkan: idk walk around the City. We are 30 minutes away let me just get a scuber.

Warabie: you need to get clothes and everything anyway dad.

Shimi: mmmmm.... alright......

Ikkan: is Mrs Cuddle still open?

Merv: yeah they're still serving food. I warn you now so brace yourself cuz Mrs. Cuddle has been waiting a long time to see you again.

Ikkan: I know

_______________________________________________

Gai: woooow .... So this is all yours. All of it?

Neta: yeah......*huff*...... Yeah it's all mine. I didn't get that much merchandise. I just got a couple t-shirts and a figure, two figures, actually......*huff*.. ..It's actually quite rare. I checked online. They're selling for $500.

Gai: is this your old bass..... All beat up huh? You must have put a lot of love into it

Neta: I I-i did....... Well actually my uh ....my partner he uh......... He put a lot of her love in it. He took it to most of his tours so......

Gai: yeah I heard metalopod guy....... makes sense he seems like your type

Neta:...yeah...hehehe..heeee...*sigh*.........

Gai:...... Really nice place you have here. It's the same size as our house... That's not saying much about our old house....... What's that room

Neta: oh uhhhhh that's that's my daughter's room.....

Gai: oh yeah..... little Cici how old is she now 12?

Neta: she's 15 now

Gai oh..

Neta: Dad why are you here? Do you need money or something? Did you and kat fight or something?

Gai: what?! No! A man can't talk to his son after 18 years of no contact. No phone calls no visits or anything, didn't even get to see my granddaughter.

Neta: as if you ever tried to reach out to me

Gai: well how was I supposed to do that? How was I supposed to reach out to you when you're running around everywhere?

Neta: well you know when you're so used to bouncing from house to house It's kind of hard to stay in one place

Gai: well you know you did have a choice to stay at home but You didn't want that. Nothing was ever good for you

Neta: The fuck do you mean nothing was good for me? You moved me out of the house when I was 6!! You can't even handle a 6-year-old?!

Gai: not you! You were terrible!! You were angry, you were mean, you were spiteful! Almost every week I'd catch you stealing something from me! Every day you'd always have to defy me!!

Neta: I don't know dad maybe if you were emotionally there for me and actually been a father!...

Gai: I did my best!

Neta: you did your best?! YOU DID YOUR BEST?! YOU FUCKING ABANDONED ME!! YOU WERE NEVER THERE!! EVERY CHANCE YOU GOT TO DROP ME AT MY AUNT OR A COUSIN OR AT PULPO'S HOUSE YOU DID!!

Gai:......

Neta: EVER SINCE MOM DIED YOU'VE TREATED ME LIKE I WAS YOU BURDEN JUST A NUISANCE THAT YOU COULD NEVER GET RID OF AND YOUR GOING TO TELL ME THAT YOU WERE DOING YOUR BEST!! .....

Gai: YES!! I WAS DOING MY BEST YOU THINK I WANTED TO DROP YOU OFF ANYWHERE I COULDN'T HANDLE MY OWN PROBLEMS AND THEN I HAD TO HANDLE YOUR PROBLEMS ON TOP OF THAT I COULDN'T DO THAT SO I DID WHAT I HAD TO DO!

Neta:.....*sniff*...........

Gai: I wasn't the perfect father. I was emotionally distant I was neglectful and I was unavailable for a lot of things in your life.... .

Neta:...................

Gai:.... I'm......*sigh*..... I'm sorry..........I really am........

Neta:.....................

Gai: I just wasn't prepared to be a single parent..... I always expected Sydney to be there with me....... when she died.......... I..... I guess I just shut down....... I didn't know what to do so I didn't do anything.......

Neta:..........................

Gai: I just want to make things right.

Neta:..................... I don't think you can dad........I really don't............. The damage has already been done.

Gai:.......*sigh*........ I understand........ I just want you to know that I love you...............

Neta:.................

Gai: even though I had a hard time showing it....... I did.... I really did.... I wasn't there for you because I knew I would make things worse for you.

Neta:........................... So you dumped me in military school!?....................

Gai:.………….……....... When I enrolled you I just wanted you to be disciplined. I wanted you to have structure and order and stability all those things that I knew I wasn't able to give you............

Neta:....................................

Gai: when they assigned you to a combat Splatoon I-

Neta: WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU THINK THEY WERE GOING TO PUT ME IN?!?!?! INTELLIGENCE?! ENGINEERING?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!??

Gai:........................

Neta: YOU KNEW EXACTLY WHERE THEY WERE GOING TO PUT ME DAD!! I WAS EXPELLED TWICE, HISTORY OF VIOLENCE, BAD MENTAL HEALTH!! DID IT EVER CROSS YOUR MIND THAT THEY VIEWED ME AS DISPOSABLE!!!

Gai:.......................I didn't. I honestly didn't

Neta: *crying*.I had to watch my friends die!!!...I had to watch strangers die by my own hand....*crying*......do you know what that does to a person???!!!..... I was 14!!....that place ruined my life!! That place ruined me!...*sobbing*.............

Gai:........*sigh*...........neta

Neta:...*sobbing*.......

Gai: ...................... come here...... alright..... I'm sorry...... I'm sorry..........

Neta: *sobbing*

[hour and 45 minutes]

Neta:.....................................................................

Gai:......................................…...............................

Neta: *sigh*....*sniff*...............

Gai: are you okay

Neta:.no..... I'm used to it tho......[stretch]......*uggg*..how long are you going to be on the surface?

Gai: uhhh I'm planning on staying for a short while...... just trying to get acclimated.

Neta: .......... maybe we can get something to eat.... Maybe catch up and try not to fight

Gai:.....................ok............

Neta:.....ok

_______________________________________________

Mahi: do you even know where you're going babe?

Mizole: yeah I'm just taking the shortcut I know where I'm going

ichiya: can't say the same thing about your career

Umishi: I can't believe you got 3 passes to the tidal wave festival. I heard they were sold out minutes after lunch?

Mahi: so The company that does these shows I think they're called 'meso company'. They work with neta and some other store owners. They help them sell their leftover merch and also let them sell tickets to their shows. One of the benefits is that they get vouchers every month so they can get a free pass to any show they all expire after the year is over

Umishi: ohhh that sounds nice you get a lot of benefits

Mizole: and he just gives you all of his passes?

Mahi: not all of them. He's saving five for Haar fest in the fall. I think it's some metal thing I don't know....I know Candi's going with him.......... Holy shit plucc-eeie's we need to go there!

Mizole: what? No we can't

Umishi: Great! Need to pick up some stuff.... I know we have a cooler but maybe we should get some more water and ice

ichiya: here buy a grill and charcoal and some food while you're at it. the food is expensive at festivals

Mizole: You can't buy your girlfriend food at the show.

ichiya: *glares* . .......... He's an extra 20. Buy yourself a tacky t-shirt.

Umishi: oh nice thanks [peck].... Be civil and don't start a fight. We're using his car.

Ichiya:..............................................................

Mizole:..............................................

Ichiya: soooo ...you and uhhh ..

Mizole: mahi

Ichiya: yeah them........... So did you meet them at the concert or did you just use the concert tickets that were meant for us behind my back?

_______________________________________________

Warabie: wow this place is actually nice. I thought it'd be a lot more........ehhhhhh.. old fashioned

Ikkan: That's because we're in the tourist area. Locals don't live here and people who do live here moved here...... well..... Some locals live here. Noji has an apartment here.

Merv: yep damn shame they'll never truly get the krillarney experience.......

Shimi: which part are you in?

Merv: Wrassel. Wrassel Krillarney

Warabie: they have a shopping district here..... Dad you want to go shopping for some clothes? Maybe a suitcase?

Shimi: might as well since I'm going to be stuck here for a month. Ugh.... Judging from the people here, I don't think they have anything nice to wear.

Warabie: see this why you're here to begin with dad you never have anything positive to say. Come on let's go I'm sure they have some designer brands

Shimi: yeah. for farmers......

Warabie:*eye roll* just text me when the bus is here

Ikkan: alright.......you want to look around Cirrina?

Cirrina: ok you said Uncle Noji lived here?

Ikkan: yeah........ but I think he's home.

Cirrina: please

Ikkan: *sigh* ok..... why do we go to Mrs Cuddles first, get something to eat. They have the best fried cod

Merv: yeah and watch Ida give you a long awaited tongue lashing.

Ikkan:mmmmm

Cirrina: hehehehehe

_______________________________________________

Gai: *eating* so they kicked you out of the band cuz you were sleeping with their old bass player?

Neta:..... Yeah if you want to word it like that.......*sigh*.....*eating*....it was just the front man who had a problem with it the other didn't really care.

Gai: do you at least get residuals

Neta: just a little I get a couple checks here and there. nothing much....

Gai: hmmmm........so how's your business holding up?

Neta:*eating*... It's going great..... opening a second location I'm planning on buying a house getting married lots to do

Gai: oh..........wow....... I missed a lot.....

Neta: yeah......... but......... you're here now I guess.......*eating*......

Gai: I'm surprised you want me back in your life

Neta: I don't

Gai: oh

Neta:.......... but you're here so might as well stay I don't care what you do anymore..... what made you decide to show up anyway?? it's not like I'm a successful musician anymore.... you need money or something?

Gai:.......................

_______________________________________________

Warabie: hey mahi!! How's your little road trip

Mahi: it's umnm

Mizole: why are you still mad that I dumped you!!?? like it's been years get over it ?!

Ichiya: because you didn't fucking "dump me" You fucking ghosted me!!! You ignored my calls! You ignored my text!! You blocked me almost everywhere and didn't explain why!! Dumping someone is telling them to their fucking face not just leaving them confused and feeling like shit!!

Mahi: it's fine we're almost to the festival do you want me to get you something. I can get you a shirt and make you feel better

Warabie: nahhh I'm fine

Mahi: so how's the farm?

Warabie: we're not on the farm yet. We're in the city. My dad was forced to come with us so we have to get him close. It's a long story.

Mahi: oh damn you have to stay with your dad? It just keeps getting worse for you huh?

Mizole: see this is why this is why no one wants to be around you!! You're so overbearing and you overstep constantly! You have no concept of boundaries and you have no understanding of personal space!!

Ichiya: what do you mean? I don't understand boundaries!? I literally did not talk to you for several fucking months because I assumed you wanted to be alone and you know what I did?! I left you the fuck alone!!

Mizole: checking someone's Inkstagram five times a day isn't leaving someone alone!

Mahi: just give me one second........ Hey babe can you stop fighting with your ex please. You two are killing the vibe. Also, you're driving way over the speed limits kind of making me nervous

Mizole: sorry babe

Mahi:....... So when you get on the farm send me a picture and also bring back some stuff

Warabie: like what?

Mahi: I don't know fruit? Or something.... maybe a calf!

Warabie:... Like you take care of that... I gotta go see ya .......*huff*...dad it's been an hour we have enough things lets try to find ikkan.....he mentioned Mrs Cuddles.......... hey uhhh hello do you know where Mrs Cuddles is? think it might be a restaurant.

Stranger: oh Mrs Cuddles yeah? Yee uh jest gotta up to dolly wea pass te fork in roed don lef wen ya reech the stock for coaches It's going to be in the ridt next to the fritter bakery...

Warabie: ..............thank you

Stranger: cod bless.

Warabie: ..................................

Shimi: see this we go to nice places when we travel .... You actually understand what they're saying.

Warabie: Dad....uhg...... I'll just search it.......[ping]....... Here it is...... 'Dollyway pass' is a street name okay.. I think I understand what he was saying.... let's go.

_______________________________________________

Mrs Cuddles: well well looky here. is that Merv?! Haven't seen you in months.... Did your wife ground you again hehehe.... I swear how you found that woman. I will never know

Merv: well I'm just here for a quick visit for the summer.... Just the regular please...... I also brought someone...

Ikkan: ....... hey Mrs Cuddles

Mrs Cuddle: No..... Absolutely not..... ikkan Kane!!........ It's been years since I've heard from you! No phone call, no visit, no email, not even a letter!

Ikkan: I'm sorry

Mrs Cuddle: your brother always drops by almost every month just to see me... And you can't even give me a letter. Not even a holiday card!.... Look at you as skinny as the day you left. Sit down.

Ikkan: hehe I've just been really busy....hehehe I'm really sorry.... I should write to you more....

Mrs Cuddle: you should! ... I've been taking care of you since you were nothing but ink! Changed your nappies and everything....... Still have that stain on my white blouse, it never came out...

Cirrina: hehehehehhehhehe

Mrs Cuddle: and who is this? Young lady well aren't you pretty?.... What's your name love?

Cirrina: Cirrina

Mrs Cuddle: cirrrinnnaa oh that's a lovely name. Is she yours

Ikkan: yeah she's my daughter my partner's the biological father

Cirrina: him and my dad are dating

Mrs Cuddle: oh..... ikkan... I have expected you to be in a relationship.........but then again I never expected your father either so hahahahaha. Have some food it's on the house.. Nice and fresh.... ikkan you drink?

Ikkan: not that much

Mrs Cuddle: stand up.........ummm...tall like your mother...... You can probably drink as much as she can too. I'll give you two mugs on the house

Ikkan: one is fine.........*sigh*........ You like this place so far Cici.

Cici: yeah it's nice. I like Mrs Cuddles she's nice

Ikkan: you'll see her again when I get married...

Cirrina: there's a lot of Octolings and inklings here and they look..... Native

Merv: That's because this place wasn't affected by the turf war.

Cirrina: really?

Merv: when the war started a lot of ink fish moved up here to escape the war didn't want to be part of it. Due to the landscapes we weren't affected by the flood all that much. A little bit of corrosion on the mountain.

Cirrina: so these octolings lived on the surface for their whole life? They were never underground? Like ever?

Merv:.....well a lot of them escaped from the underground...a lot of Octolings work in trade here. Most of these new buildings are made by octolings.

Cirrina: wow..... They don't have turf wars do they?

Ikkan: ehhhhhh..... It's not popular. But they do you have a lot of other fun stuff here

Warabie: ugh..... This place is confusing.....*huff*...... What the hell is a coach?

Shimi: *humpf*..

Ikkan: a coach is just what some call buses you'll get used to some of the lingo the longer you live here...........hey mom I oh-

Koi-koi voicemail: sorry, I can't be on the phone right now I'm currently on vacation and I'm probably drunk hehehehehe leave a message at the tone

Ikkan: ok.... Hi Mom, I made it home safe. Just wanted to let you know that. Enjoy your vacation.bye....... love you....... Let's head to the bus stop and hit the ferry. We're almost home.

Cirrina: Wait you promised we were going to visit Uncle Noji!

Ikkan: did I? I don't remember that.

Cirrina: but you said-

Ikkan: I say a lot of stuff sweetie. I can't keep up with the shit I say let's go

Mahi and Umishi bought so much shit from plucc-eeies they bought a tent and everything they got a lot of knick-knacks for everyone except for @fish-at-fish-fish-resort @catastropic

[drdemonprince]

Your post about "transitioning to escape gender but then there's more gender" has been rotating furiously in my mind since I saw it. When I first realized I was trans at age 15, I identified as agender, but I knew I wanted to go on T and get top surgery so I decided it would be simpler to tell everyone I was a trans man and that just kind of became the truth. Now 10 years later I'm sorta starting to feel like I wanna actually be agender again, but the idea of an identity shift like that at my current age is terrifying and idek who I'd tell, or how I'd do it, and I don't think I wanna stop using he/him exclusively, and I have no idea why I'm telling *you* this other than that I'm scared to talk to anyone I know about it because it feels like somehow admitting that I was wrong about the gender I fought like hell to become, even though i don't really think that's the case I think my sense of self might just be continuously evolving... but I just wanna say you talking about having a gender shift like once every several years is helping me process this rn and feel like I'm not faking anything now AND wasn't faking anything before.

Dog i am right there with you. As a kid I always thought gender was bullshit, the coercive nature of it disgusted and scared me and I rebelled against it the best that I could. I loathed being assigned to any gender category, I never identified as a "girl", but I didn't really identify with any other category either. Puberty terrified me (and of course, it does most young people, but it felt like it would only more deeply entrench the category that I was assigned to in other people's minds, it made it more difficult to escape). I had trans friends as a teen but it did not occur to me to transition because there was really no end goal that I wanted to head toward, I just knew what I wanted to avoid and not experience. I coped mostly by degendering my body with a fairly androgynous style and way of presenting myself to the word and mannerisms, but also by starving myself which was not so great, and not sustainable. I considered transness for myself, even trying on a friend's binder and presenting masculinely at certain queer events, but it seemed to me at the time like just another way in which to obsess over gender, a foolish coercive socially constructed thing that i was trying to avoid.

In my 20s, I learned more about nonbinary people and figured that explained things pretty well. I was enamored with the transition journeys of some other trans people, largely trans women more than trans masculine ones (with some trans-effeminate faggot boy exceptions), but I still didn't want to take on all the expense and uncertainty and hassle of navigating the medical system for myself. I didn't think that the pursuit of being happy merited taking on so many risks or fiddling with myself so much. I saw it as an extravagance I didn't deserve, I guess, and I also couldn't locate a target outcome that seemed desirable enough for me. I was still dealing with an eating disorder and recovering from some trauma and didn't really think about my life in the long term. I guess I still don't, haha, whoops.

Eventually I came out as nonbinary, and nobody really gave a shit. There is a lot of useless, solidarity-breaking discourse that happens online about essentially who is "more" oppressed, binary trans people or nonbinary people, and a lot of that fight amounts to the two groups shouting about the ways in which they annoy one another without there being any cogent analysis of power and where oppression comes from (let alone how much those two categories overlap).

But I will say that being a they/them was far more difficult than being a trans guy socially and institutionally, because your identity is completely illegible to every system around you. "binary" trans people struggle under this too, but i have found there are some immense benefits to having a socially and institutionally legible target gender. nobody would fucking actually they/them me. not anyone. not even other trans people and queer people. there were no public gendered spaces for me. there were no spaces for me. there was no way to move through the medical system, professional life, and other public institutions as a nonbinary person. i was still just a cis woman in everyone's eyes. including the people who claimed to support me. and it was massively frustrating.

and so i think ultimately, i took my frustrations with not being at all able to escape coerced gendering as a nonbinary person and combined that with the affinity i do feel for queer men and the general sense of misery i was still experiencing in my life and decided what the hell, i'll round myself up to being a trans guy. i upped my T dose, i dressed more masculinely, i eventually got a super masculine hair cut that really squared off my jawline and got me gendered correctly, and i started more consciously inhabiting queer men's spaces.

and it was pretty dope. for a while. i felt the rush of having gotten away with something. when people effortlessly gendered as male i felt freed at last from the pressure to be a woman. i was no longer being coerced into being something that i was not. i had escaped the enforced category so much that people couldn't even see the history of that category being pushed onto me. there was relief.

but then. as always happens. people made little comments about my handshake being too weak for a man. the hypermasc dudes at the leather bar rolled their eyes at me and all the other effeminate dudes swanning around the bar. the people who picked me up off the apps or at the sauna would always let it slip, eventually, that they had a lot of experience with trans guys, or had most recently been dating all trans guys, and it would make me feel like a stock character to them, yet another category into which all kinds of assumptions had been projected. a type not a person. a few people said my haircut made me look like i was in the military or described me as actually masculine, which was equally jarring because it was so incorrect. people tried to affirm me by saying i was such a dude, i was such a man, i was such a fag, i was such a gay bro, pawing all over me leaving the mark of all their assumptions and oversimplifications behind. i had tried to run away from gender and there i was just BASTING all the time in everybody's goddamn assumptions about gender. trans people didn't talk about it any less than cis people did, they were just as fucking confining to be around.

it honestly feels really dirty. when people try to affirm your gender constantly and can't stop talking about it, when people look past you and see only your body, your history, or the role they have typecast you in, when people use your body as an outlet for their own gender or sexuality explorations, when they keep trying to measure every single facet of existence up into being masculine or being feminine or being toppy or bottomy or any other gendered type, it's claustrophobic.

as a trans man i tried playing this whole gender game and the second i started winning i began to feel even more disgusted with myself. it wasn't a victory or an escape, it was a capitulation. exploring with my identity and presentation has brought positive things into my life and my health has gotten better as a result, and i've made wonderful friends who, like me, are disaffected by this coercive gendering system. so i don't regret any of that. but trying to make myself legible under the existing gendered system was a fool's fucking errand. i wish i hadnt done it to myself and i wish i hadnt had it pushed onto me. to be clear, it was cissexist, binarist society that forced it onto me; even when other queer people coated me in their gendered assumptions that is obviously a byproduct of societal conditioning, and it's conditioning that ive reinforced in my own behavior and outlook toward others plenty of times too. we all do it, and we are all wronged by the existing coercive gender system.

i dont even care how i fucking identify anymore and i have no intention of changing pronouns again or anything, i'm so bored of it, i just actually want off this fucking thing. im not interested in trying to make others understand what i am anymore or in who i am even being simply categorizable, i dont want to obsess anymore over how i am perceived or to attempt engineer my appearance and mannerisms to broadcast an identity to anyone. i dont even want to fuck anybody right now at all because im so sick of how much that's a gender pantomime for people. i want off this fuckin ride man im so done.

it's kind of freeing, to hit this point of complete gender apathy, and i think it is a pretty common stage of identity development for a lot of queer people who have explored multiple identities and roles over time. there is no category that i actually am, or that anyone is, there are just the frameworks that society has given us to work with to understand ourselves, and the ways in which we flatten who we are to be able to make sense of the world using those frameworks. but who i actually am is so much more contextual and mutable than all that. i am a different person in the classroom than i am on the train platform than i am in the bedroom than i am cuddling on the couch than i am when i'm working out than i am when curled up on the floor crying than i am at a big furry convention. who i am continues to change as new people come in and out of my life and age and change and my body alters and as the weather turns. who fuckin knows man it's nothing and everything. i want to let it just be

[tomorrowusa]

Conspiracy crackpot Alex Jones lost a massive lawsuit brought by families of the victims of the 2012 Sandy Hook mass shooting. In a bankruptcy sale, Jones's conspiracy site Infowars was bought by The Onion which plans to turn Infowars into a satirical self-parody.

If you enter www.infowars.com into your browser and hit return, you won’t see Alex Jones anywhere. The site’s longtime host and conspiracy theorist has been replaced by a vast expanse of white on the site’s landing page, along with five words in small type: “site unavailable till further notice.” On Thursday, the site’s new owners, a company called Global Tetrahedron—parent company of the satirical news site The Onion—said Infowars will return in January, when the far-right site will be rebranded as, essentially, a parody of itself. “We thought this would be a hilarious joke,” said Ben Collins, chief executive of Global Tetrahedron in an interview with The New York Times. “This is going to be our answer to this no-guardrails world where there are no gatekeepers and everything’s kind of insane.” Launched by Jones in 1999, Infowars grew into a giant, drawing 10 million visits every month — mostly people drawn to Jones, who argued that the 9/11 attack and the mass shooting at an elementary school in Newtown, Connecticut were “false flag” events carried out by the government and “crisis actors” posing as children. It was Jones’ repeated lies about the shooting that led Sandy Hook families to sue Jones and his company, Free Speech Systems. The families alleged defamation and won, and in 2022 were awarded $1.4 billion — leading Free Speech Systems to declare bankruptcy. An auction held to sell off the site’s assets led Collins to make a successful bid for the site, with the consent of the Sandy Hook families. "The dissolution of Alex Jones’ assets and the death of Infowars is the justice we have long awaited and fought for," said Robbie Parker, whose daughter was killed in the 2012 school shooting.

Instead of cranking out fake news, Infowars will become a site making fun of fake news starting in January.

A research study published by The University of California, Berkeley, found that Infowars was the third-largest fake-news domain, accounting for more than 17% of all fake news traffic online.

Think of Twitter/X if The Onion somehow gained ownership of it. 😆

EDIT: Gotta love this headline at Daily Kos...

[snootlestheangel]

The Angstiest Idea I've Ever Had

Task Force 141 is sent on a borderline impossible mission, and Laswell made them promise to come back safely. Normally, she would never do such a thing, but she wanted her boys to be okay.

For the first few hours, everything is going according to plan and Laswell is starting to relax. But then something goes wrong. There was an unaccounted for element and the hostiles ended up getting the upperhand. Laswell can only guide them through their comms as best she can from her tiny little office.

After a while, she loses communication with them. Whether it was on her end or theirs was unclear, and she started to panic to get them back online. But nothing she does works. She has no choice but to wait.

She sends a rescue party after several hours. She doesn't want to know what happened, she doesn't want to listen to the comms from the rescue party but she does. She does because it's her job. She does because those are her boys.

There's not much the rescue team tells her, and she can sense by their silence that something was horribly wrong.

What she didn't expect was for the commander of the team to bring her something directly to her office.

Three pairs of dog tags and a skull balaclava.

~~~

She takes it upon herself to personally notified each member's family. First is Price. His only remaining family was his sister, and despite having a rocky relationship with her brother, she was still devastated. Her reaction was the easiest to handle.

Second is Gaz's family. Laswell fought the urge to break down upon seeing the concern on his older sisters' faces, the tears already welling in his mother's eyes. Momma Garrick broke down harder than Laswell was prepared for. She kept screaming about her baby boy, her only son, over and over. It was overwhelming for Laswell, but his sisters handled the situation better and allowed her an easy way out.

Third is Soap's. By the time she made it to the large house, the entire family was gathered for a special event. Laswell wanted to hightail it out of there the second she saw the joy on the MacTavish family's faces. She couldn't stop the tears that formed when she introduced herself to Soap's father, their resemblance striking. The pain that could be seen through all of his siblings was too much for Laswell, and she almost snuck away to hide her own grief. But she was stopped by a gentle hand on her arm, the loving blue eyes of Soap's mother looking at her with such concern.

"What about his Simon?" Laswell allowed a single tear to fall at the woman's question.

"In his arms."

~~~

The funerals were overwhelming for Laswell. They were all buried together by Laswell's request. Those boys did everything together, she'd be damned if she separated them.

Price's sister and the Garrick ladies helped paid for expenses for the two of them, and the MacTavish's fought tooth and nail to pay for Simon as well.

"That man was a MacTavish whether he knew it or not."

Soap and Ghost are buried next to each other.

Laswell waits by the graves even as everyone leaves. She's kept it together this long. Her wife stays by her side every second, her arms wrapped around one of hers in comfort. Momma MacTavish stays behind as well, whispering something to Simon's casket with tears in her eyes. Alex and Farah stand watch behind Laswell a fair distance, already having said their goodbyes.

It's the first and last time they ever see Kate Laswell cry.

[blueberryinko]

Request: Shortstack Samus

Plot: Shortstack Mom Samus comes back from a long bounty only to discover her son’s holopad left open on some very auspicious pages.. and she swells to full immobility.

-

Samus exited decontamination and groaned, her chubby hips wobbling as she went. This bounty had been a simple grab and go, kill one guy and then run for it, and she was glad for it, she’d been away for a day and missed Alex.

“Honey? I’m home!” She called through the house they’d built on a secluded planet just outside the major belts, and when she heard the shower running she relaxed.

She walked through the house and then noticed his laptop open on the countertop. “What the…?” She wandered closer as she stripped out of her suit, now halfway down her hips as she picked it up. It was edited pictures of her, blue skinned, pregnant, and in nearly all of them she was this gigantic blue ball, no, blueberry…

‘Alex thinks of me this way?’ She reels in shock and as she continues scrolling through his gallery he finds he’s left some pics online. “My Mom Samus is a Blueberry!” He’s left up on some forum, and for some reason the thought of him whoring her out like this makes arousal coil in her belly.

“Alex?” She calls upstairs again, willing him to come down.

“Mom, you’re home, you’re early-!” He stops in his tracks when he sees his laptop open in her arms and goes pale. “Honey, what’s this?” She asks cautiously. Alex approaches and he knows better than to try to pry it off of her. “Mom, don’t look, come on!”

“Too late young man, did you really think I wouldn’t find out?” Her heart raced and she considered her son in front of her. He towered above her now, his alien genetics must have come from the giant she’d fucked all those years ago. “This- when did this even start?”

“When you joined that Smash tournament!” He blurted out before he could stop himself. “You had that Violet dress for the Wonka event and I couldn’t get it out of my head!”

Her breath hitches. She remembered that tournament, she’d been so tight in that dress and every time the belt had caught on her at the time pregnant-with-surrogate-twins belly she’d fought the urge to moan. Her belly had been off limits.

“And you’ve been fattening me up ever since?” She pouted. She set the laptop down, crossing her arms. “I’m flattered but this isn’t something I should be indulging!”

“Please Mom? You’re so hot but you’d be so much hotter as my berry!” Her cheeks were hot and her mouth dropped open. This-this shouldn’t even be something she was considering right now, why was she so fucking desperate for it?

She tried her best to maintain composure but she was quickly losing the will to fight him..

“How do I know y-you’d take care of your poor berry mama?” She questioned, and that’s when he knew he had her.

“Of course I would,” He murmured into her forehead as he lifted her up slightly, now nose to nose. “Please Mom.”

She hurried to the kitchen and grabbed the box of blueberries she’d bought in her last grocery run. “If I do this it’s permanent.” She warns.

“Wait, Mama, do you still have the dress?” She stops just beforehand and her ears go warm. “Baby, can you fetch it for me? I-I don’t know if I can handle getting it on myself.” She knows damn well she can dress herself, but the dress is such an intimate thing she wants him prepping her to be everything for him.

He runs to the bedroom and fetches the dress, as well as the Wonka panties they had her wear for the bikini event, and he about nearly erupts just there, but as he returns to Samus, he helps her into the dress.

She can’t believe how into this she’s getting, and her breaths are shallow and whimpering, his hands sliding over her belly as he smooths out the dress.

“Oh, baby, I-I’m a little nervous.” She admits. The panties are snug and fit her perfectly, much to her chagrin, it’s almost annoyingly perfect.

“It’s alright Mom.” He slips the blueberries into her mouth and she chews on the fateful little fruits, whimpering as her face starts to heat up. “Baby, it’s starting-!” She gasps, touching her breast.

He watches as a cerulean shade overtakes her tan complexion and blood begins to run south. “Holy fuck, Mom, it’s happening.”

Samus feels her skin tingling. It’s a strange sensation and her belly rumbles. It’s like a weird fullness, like the last night of a pregnancy before she’d pop, and she feels it up, feeling the chub suddenly feeling a little firmer.

“Baby, I feel funny.” She concludes, and it’s ridiculous, utterly ridiculous to her that she’s just recited a line from the movie. He hugs her suddenly and lets go, taking her in, utterly blue.

She smells sweet, and as her cleavage bounces, a lavender scent rises from her breasts, her dress suddenly violet with juice leakage. “Oh my God, I’m lactating again…” She squeaks, his grip on her hips getting tighter.

Her belly puffs out in a short leap, double roll of fat showing the no longer slim bounty hunter her inevitable fate.

The belt restricts around her and she gasps, suddenly all the juice floods to her ass, skirt billowing outwards as violet cheeks jump up a size, wobbling when she stumbles. It’s not big enough to really notice yet, but she’s definitely wider in the waist already.

“Gonna get you pregnant mama.” He declares, barely able to keep from tearing the dress from her body. She feels his hands pawing at her, juice welling up inside her. Her belly is still small for now, but it’s steadily increasing in size, she knows she’s going to be utterly gigantic by the end of this. “Please,” She begs. She needs it so badly, needs to be bred like the good berry slut she’s gonna be.

One button bursts and her stomach extends another inch or two. He slaps it and Samus gasps. “Alex!” It stings so good, awakening something she never thought she’d even consider liking. Her belly impedes her mobility now, less of a potbelly, more bred to maximum capacity, but she’s only going to get bigger.

“My babies, stuffed in your big, fruity womb.” He could see it in his mind’s eye, waddling on the spot, middle of the exam room, four of his big babies cramming her womb so deliciously full she could only moan and whimper. Samus continued to grow, and she felt juice pumping through her body. She felt like a keg you might have found in some fantasy tavern, full to the brim.

That feeling only intensified when twin *pop*s signified her nipples sudden rain of juice, squirting from breasts that were slowly getting to be the size of her head. She stared at them and poked one experimentally, when *ping! *ping!* *ping!* Three more buttons snapped from her dress, the final one left so taut and stretched she could feel it trying to contain the swollen mass of her cleavage.

“They’re growing so fast.” Alex teased. Samus felt him grope her, knees going weak as he pushed her up against the couch, swelling at an odd angle. “My short blueberry momma, so full of my babies.” He growls into her chest, her belly pressing into his chest as he holds her tight. “A-Alex, ha-aaaah!” She grips at his shoulders as best she can, but his cock brushes against the underside of her belly and she almost instinctively drops down on it, blocked by her boxers.

POP!

The button finally goes and she’s left in a far too tight bra, and her boxers, which by now chafe against her swollen pussy, puffy and fat from years of ruining her diet, and motherhood. She’d softened in various ways over the years but that was a sore spot for her. “God, you’re perfect.”

“R-really?” She stopped suddenly. Alex nodded in earnest. “Look at you Mama, swelling, growing over my cock, this pretty blue pussy leaking just for me.” Her slick was running down juicy fat thighs, slapping together with each motion and grope from Max’s hands. “Oh, God, Alex, you say such sweet things-!” She moans as he plays with her breasts, squeezing them together.

“I know, I know Mama, only the best-!” He groans as her boxers become tighter around her circumference. He can’t hold himself back any longer and.

SWIPE!

“-Alex-Aah!” She yelps when he slots himself right in, she bucks atop his cock as it impales her atop it, burying itself in blue, gushing flesh as her labia envelop him perfectly. “Oh my God, you’re perfect, you’re perfect-!” Max groans, working her like a damn violin, playing every string she had.

“Alex, fuck!” Her body had grown so fat the use of her limbs were becoming tough on her, to her bewilderment her biceps were so swollen they were nearly part of her diameter - she had a diameter! - her thighs much the same.

Her back was pressed into the sofa cushion and she now found it uncomfortable. “Baby, baby put me on my belly, put me on my belly!” She whimpered.

He obliged, flipping his fat mother onto the floor and putting her on her belly. “Good girl, all the better for me to rail you in.” He slid right back in and continued to hammer away, watching her buck and moan with him inside her. Samus cried out. “Mama wants to cum baby, please let her cum!”

Her thighs quaked, her belly was so big it rivalled a beanbag, and Samus couldn’t believe how good it felt. She felt how a water balloon must feel when it was blown up by a hose, her arms were so bloated and useless she could barely feel herself up.

“Not yet Mama, not until you’re pumped full of so much of my cum you get quints.” He groans. She whines, she wants his babies so bad, wants him to fuck her so hard her womb is white instead of violet. “Do it baby, put your babies in me, knock me up like I should’ve been for so long!”

Her legs were receding into her, her bloated forearms waggled uselessly, and as if taunting her, her breasts ballooned for a third time, snapping her bra in two as golf ball sized nipples spewed rivers of juice.

“Mom, I’m gonna cum, I’m gonna cum, gonna do it, gonna breed you-!”

A wave of cum spewed forth into her womb, cramming it to the point her body absorbed all her limbs, her head settling into a divot as her body became this blob-like, spherified ball of a woman, her tits so huge they now rivalled the gym balls she was so fond of in her exercise room.

“Aaaaannnnh!” She moaned aloud, tears of arousal running down her chubby blue cheeks, a tiny double chin now formed due to the juice metabolising. Alex stumbled and pulled out, his cock still rigid and a couple inches bigger than he’d ever managed, gasping. “H-holy fuck!” He laughed, wandering around to his mother’s face.

“I-I’m a blueberry now..” This change was permanent, her Metroid DNA had totally fused her human DNA with the fruit she now was, even if she was juiced her body would just force her to swell right back up.

“My blueberry.” Alex murmured, to which she then noticed his cock. “Oh my God.. that was inside me?”

“Just means you fit me like a glove.” He told her. It was monstrous to her, and she was salivating.

“A-Alex… I… put it in my mouth.” She requested. She no longer had the capacity for orders, not that she cared to give them. Alex leaned on her back, his cock now touching her lips as she enveloped it entirely into her mouth.

It reached the back of her throat, but despite that Samus took it like a champ, bobbing her head back and forth as best she could.

“Oh, fuck, Mom!” Alex urged, his cock grew rigid and he started gently massaging his base. Samus watched as he helped her along, whimpering at his dedication. Please, Alex, please, she begged mentally, working his shaft expertly.

She ran her tongue along his shaft and watched as he shuddered, knees almost buckling. “Oh, shit Mom, what-!” If this is what she was gonna be like for the rest of her existence as his berry cow, he’d gladly live that existence.

She bobbed faster now, even though moving her head that fast was starting to hurt, sucking and licking as much as she could, working him up to cum-

“Fuck!”

Another deluge of cum made her cheeks bulge, and she swallowed all of it, whimpering as her skin tensed, swelling another inch before finally stopping, creaking and reverberating like an over engorged tick about to burst.

Alex pulled off of her and she gasped for air, both of them giggling. “Fuck you’re huge.” He muttered to his mother, admiring her singular diameter.

“I am aren’t I?” She couldn’t see over her breasts, but she could feel her immense girth from all around, this once svelte single mom bounty hunter turned into a bloated blue fruit balloon, and she’d never go back.

-

“Alex, c’mere!” It was a few months later and Samus was in her third trimester, waddling up to him as he approached. “What’s up momma?”

“They’re all kicking, give your mama a belly rub?”

He could feel their movements under the nearly eight hundred pounds of woman she was, jiggling and sloshing her body as they kicked. “Oh, wow.”

“Saying hello to their Daddy.” Samus hadn’t been one for words before she’d had Alex, but now she was embracing the changes to her life, she wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Then does Mommy need some help calming them down?”

“You read my mind.” Alex tipped Samus over and rolled her to the bedroom, locking the door behind them.

[kayfabebabe]

Wonderful Tonight

Whilst you’re trying to get ready for the annual Slammy Awards, Bret is rather distracting. 

This, originally, began life as something short and sweet to get back into the routine of writing after a short break. Then it got out of hand and quickly descended into... whatever it is now. Oops? 

Bret Hart X Female Reader  WARNINGS - Vaguely spicy. Fluff. 

~ ~ ~ 

March 1996

“You make it look simple.” 

A faint smile tugs at the corners of your lips as you remain focused on tightening the knot of Bret’s bowtie. It, now, sat perfectly centred at the base of his throat. No longer sitting at a crooked angle or threatening to unravel. Perfect. You couldn’t help leaning back to admire the sight in front of you. Bret dressed in an immaculate tux with his hair brushed away from his face and tied in a low ponytail. Even under the harsh light of the hotel bathroom, he was beautiful. There were only a handful of occasions that you’d ever seen Bret dressed in anything other than jeans and his ring-gear. 

You fought the urge to pull Bret closer by the lapels of his jacket and risk arriving late to the ceremony. This was an important night. Every well-known name in wrestling would be congregating in a singular place to celebrate the achievements of the past year. Restless butterflies had been steadily building in the pit of your stomach since Bret asked you to accompany him. Over the past week, you tried to distract yourself from the nerves by searching, and eventually finding, a new gown. It worked for a short time. 

With a final glance over Bret’s outfit, you turn to face the large mirror and check your eyeliner. Everything needs to be right. You’re so engrossed with your makeup that you fail to notice how Bret’s hands rest on the curve of your waist or how his gaze unashamedly roams your reflection. There was a fond warmth behind his eyes that was strictly reserved for these private moments. A surprised squeak falls from your mouth as Bret spins you before the sound is quickly muffled in a firm kiss. Your heart somersaults behind your ribs like it always did when you kissed Bret. Every worry and thought that's been running maddening circles in your mind dissolves into a pleasant static.

Your arms drape over Bret’s shoulders and you raise up on your toes, humming contently into the kiss. You can’t imagine the day that you’ll grow tired of this. One kiss melts into another then another and another. Bret moves to crowd you against the bathroom counter, but your brain comes back online and you, reluctantly, stop him. Hands resting on his chest with your foreheads pressed together. There’ll be plenty of time to get lost in each other after the event.

“We’re going to be late...” 

“One more for luck?” 

Bret knew that you could never resist an invitation to kiss him. It didn’t matter when or where you were, a simple tilt of his head could draw you in.

~ ~ ~ 

“Bret… We sh-...” 

Whatever you planned to say gets lost in a high-pitch moan as Bret bites at the underside of your jaw and presses you harder against the elevator wall. Hips grinding forward, sending bright sparks dancing down the length of your spine. Your hands desperately clutching at Bret’s shoulders for leverage with the rich material of his jacket bunching beneath your fingers. It’s good - so good - already. One of Bret’s hands tugs on your hair to force your head further to the side and he begins to suck a fresh mark over your pulse.

The ceremony had gone well. All of your concerns about looking out of place or embarrassing yourself were quickly forgotten, with excitement taking over, when Bret’s first nomination was announced. Every time Bret’s name was read as the winner, tears filled your eyes and you couldn’t contain the overwhelming happiness that washed over you.

You hardly separate from each other when the elevator doors open and you stumble towards your hotel room. Anyone could see how Bret pressed himself against your back as you attempt to unlock the door; his hands unabashedly roaming your chest over your dress. The mere possibility of being seen by anybody walking down the hallway or coming out of their room stole your breath. Anyone could see and hear you. Your hands falter with the key for a moment before you, finally, opens the door and Bret hurries inside after you. 

~ 

[aita-blorbos]

AITA for running away from home?

I (17F) am regarded as gifted by my family and peers. This on its own isn't bad, but... I wanted to be a nurse, but my parents (especially my mother) insisted I do better and become a doctor. Believing they knew what was best for me, I decided to work towards becoming a doctor. Over time, I had to bend to their whims more and more, to the point where I lost my sense of self.

A couple years ago, I met a musician who I'll call Y (17F) online. We would work together on music and eventually became friends. Later, two others joined our group: S (17F) and A (16F ...I think?). Within our underground music group, I was the lyricist. I had planned to disappear because of all the pressure put on me outside of our group, particularly from my mother, but Y pulled me from the event horizon and said she would continue working until she made a song that saved me. As we started spending more time as friends, I was forced to come to terms with my treatment at home. I was expected to be perfect.

My mother discovered our underground music group because of an old synthesizer I was using for it. She saw them as a distraction from me becoming a doctor like she wanted me to be. After I started rebelling, including skipping a mock exam to hang out with my friends, she began to double down. I had to hide everything related to my group in hidden folders on my computer, but she managed to find them anyways. She ended up meeting with Y behind my back, trying to separate us.

The meeting went... about as poorly as you might expect. Things rapidly went downhill from there. My mother threw away my synthesizer and (likely intentionally) spilled juice on my laptop, breaking it. I was almost completely cut off from everyone, and it was difficult for me to even focus on studying like she wanted me to. Every time I heard her come close, I think I panicked. My grades began slipping, which I tried to hide, but she noticed anyways. She tried to take my phone, my last connection to my friends, away. We fought over it until my phone fell into water and broke. I was alone.

Eventually I found a little outside encouragement from H (??F) and K (??M), who convinced me to confront my mother with how I truly felt. I poured my heart out to her, even after I almost didn't tell her anything because she started crying. And yet, she still did not listen. She blamed music and the group for my struggles. She blamed them for why I no longer wanted to become a doctor, even though I never wanted to be one in the first place. So after remembering a talk with A, I decided to run away to Y's home.

Now that I'm here, I'm not sure if I did the right thing. All my friends say I did, but... I don't know. I have a hard time putting my feelings into words, but it just... doesn't feel right. I made my mother cry. Did I really do the right thing?

[fancoloredglasses]

[RERUN] Crisis on Infinite Earths, issue 12 “Final Crisis” (23 years early…) …and beyond

[All images are owned by DC Comics, please don’t sue me]

[I’ve enjoyed re-reading this landmark series, and I thank you for taking this journey with me. I hope you’ve enjoyed this format. I have at least two other projects waiting in the wings that this sort of format would work best with, so please let me know if you’d like to see more reviews like this.]

PREVIOUSLY ON…

A being known as the Anti-Monitor has destroyed nearly all of the universes in existence. The survivors being from the final 5 universes and a few stragglers who are the sole survivors of theirs.

The Anti-Monitor’s last three attempts to destroy the multiverse have been thwarted (at the cost of many lives, including Supergirl and Earth-1’s Flash) The Anti-Monitor’s fourth attempt (to destroy the multiverse at the Dawn of Time) also failed, but instead merged the final universes into a shared reality where none but the heroes present at the Dawn of Time remember the multiverse at all.

The Golden Age heroes (and the Earth-X’s Freedom Fighters) fought in this reality’s World War II, while the “modern” heroes from all realities have just always been around, but certain heroes who share an origin (like Superman, Wonder Woman, and Batman) defaulted to the modern version (the Golden Age versions never existed, but are still present due to being at the Dawn of Time, and no one but those present remember them) However, there are some (such as Earth-2’s Power Girl, who was the cousin to that universe’s Superman) who are still remembered. Not even the scholar of the Multiverse, Harbinger, has an answer to that.

Suddenly, the Anti-Monitor rears his head for yet another attempt to destroy the universe: He brought Earth to his Anti-Matter universe to destroy those who would stand in his way!

Meanwhile, a group of star-faring heroes led by time traveler Rip Hunter, who has found Brainiac’s ship (inert after Brainiac powered down in an attempt to save himself should the heroes fail at the Dawn of Time)

Now, for the exciting conclusion! If you would like to read this issue, it (along with the rest of the series) has been collected in graphic novel form and is available (or can be ordered) at your favorite comic shop, bookstore, or online retailer…or on Read Comic Online.

We start aboard Brainiac’s ship, where the heroes realize the Earth has vanished!

uh oh…

Brainiac is about to pull a Psimon on the heroes when they mention that he worked with them recently. Brainiac has no knowledge of these events (since he wasn’t at the Dawn of Time with the heroes), so the heroes recap the last 11 issues to him.

Why do I get a sense of foreboding?

Back on Earth, the Anti-Monitor brags about killing Supergirl and the Flash (actually, the Flash killed himself. Get your facts straight), then declares he will destroy the Earth (what is it about would-be conquerors/destroyers that makes them want to monologue?) by sending his forces to wipe out all life (you’d think someone who has stupidly high power levels that he can wipe out universes and yank planets from their universe could deal with a puny planet on his own…) as the Earth is enveloped in darkness.

During the panic, Harbinger assembles a force to take the fight directly to the Anti-Monitor (because that worked so well every other time that’s been tried) That force is Superman, Kal-L, and Dr. Light.

So…the combined might of five universes’ assembled heroes (including these three) couldn’t defeat the Anti-Monitor. How the hell are you gonna do it with just the four of you?!

Not that it matters, as it turns out that the darkness is a horde of the Anti-Monitor’s shadow demons, (remember those?) intent on destroying all life with their touch!

And what of Brainiac? Well, he has brought the assembled heroes to none other than Apokalips for an audience with none other than its ruler, Darkseid (Nice knowing you, guys!)

On Earth, the shadow demons are falling prey to the might of its heroes (what about the villains? Surely they wanna survive too?), but not without cost (including Dove and Kole of the Teen Titans, Lori Lemaris of Atlantis, and the Earth-2’s Robin and Huntress (tho to be honest, those last two were most likely housecleaning by the writers, since they were written out of continuity))

And what about the Spectre, unconscious for all of issue 11 [LINK NEEDED]? It seems like the world’s mystics (and Green Lantern Alan Scott, whose ring is mystical in nature) have gathered in Dr. Fate’s tower in an attempt to deal with the demons…or revive the Spectre…I’m not entirely sure even they know what they’re trying to do.

In the Anti-Matter universe beyond Earth, Harbinger (who apparently thought better and recruited a dozen more heroes. Still not enough, by the way) leads her force to the remains of the Anti-Monitor’s base on Quard…

…where they encounter Kid Flash (who somehow managed to get to Quard without anyone knowing, despite the fact that flight is not in his power set), who wanted visual proof that the Flash is dead. He then sees an image of the Flash (much like Batman did) and rushes toward it…

…only to see Psycho Pirate (wait, the Anti-Monitor didn’t kill him?!) pleading with the Flash’s empty costume to get up. (Well, you wanted proof Kid Flash…) As the heroes stop Kid Flash from beating the shit out of Psycho Pirate…

…the Anti-Monitor finally makes his appearance.

And on Earth, the Mystics have managed to gather up the remaining shadow demons and banish them from the planet. Great. Now can you figure out how to put the Earth back into its proper universe?

Meanwhile, the heroes are hitting the Anti-Monitor with everything they’ve got, but doing little more than distract and annoy him.

Fortunately, that was Harbinger’s plan as she instructs Dr. Light to absorb the energy of the star that’s fueling the Anti-Monitor’s power. (so the Anti-Monitor is like a reverse Superman? Wait, he’s Bizarro?!)

Then Alexander cranks things to eleven by using his powers to absorb the Anti-Matter directly from the Anti-Monitor. The Anti-Monitor takes this time to monologue, and that’s when everyone opens fire on him. It’s enough to destroy his outer shell!

At that point, Dr. Light channels the energy of the star into the Anti-Monitor, putting him down! (Now why couldn’t they do this in the first place?)

At that moment, the banished shadow demons (remember them?) are drawn to Quard and are absorbed by the corpse of the Anti-Monitor, reviving him. He then says he cares little about the universe…or Earth. (so…we’re saved, right?) He just wants to kill the heroes who have plagued him…

…starting with Wonder Woman, (what the hell did she do?!) vaporizing her! He was about to do the same to Psycho Pirate (so?) and Kid Flash, but only got a glancing blow as Firestorm got them away. Somehow during all of this, Alexander managed to draw the Earth back into its proper universe (they really didn’t explain how)

Superman and Lady Quark are about to make a suicide strike against the Anti-Monitor to destroy him once and for all (or at least give everyone time to escape)…

…but are sucker-punched by Kal-L, who says he should be the one to do it, as he no longer has a universe and therefore has nothing to lose (so why knock out Lady Quark? Her universe is gone too!) and tells Superboy-Prime to get them out (isn’t he without a universe too?)

Kal-L and the Anti-Monitor trade taunts as the Anti-Monitor gathers power…

…only to be wracked by pain and, not coincidentally, a green light. It turns out the sorcerers infused the shadow demons with energy designed to attack the Anti-Monitor from within (again, why the hell did they wait so long to do this? This series could have ended five issues ago!)

But the Anti-Monitor is still too powerful for the Golden Age Man of Steel, so Superboy-Prime throws Superman and Lady Quark through the rift being held open by Alexander, telling him to close it (unfortunately, Alexander must do so from the Anti-Matter universe and is therefore trapped as well)

As Superboy-Prime turns to join the battle, Kal-L throws a moon at the Anti-Monitor. His efforts are weakening the Anti-Monitor, as the blast that should have killed Superboy-Prime only hurt him severely so Kal-L turns up the pressure with a couple of asteroids to the face, putting down the Anti-Monitor for good!

…wait, he’s still alive?! The Anti-Monitor absorbs all the energy of his universe (pretty much destroying it) to destroy Kal-L and Superboy-Prime.

And he might likely succeed if Darkseid (remember him?) wasn’t watching through Alexander’s eyes (He can do that?! Well, I guess he is a New God…) and decided it was time to act, sending his Omega Beams through Alexander’s eyes, vaporizing the Anti-Monitor and destroying him utterly!

Wait…

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!

…apparently Kal-L was thinking the same thing, as he obliterated the head, destroying him once and for all!

Wait…

…

…

…OK, I guess it stuck this time.

But Kal-L, Superboy-Prime, and Alexander are trapped in the Anti-Matter universe…and Kal-L has lost his universe (and his Lois) forever.

…or has he? Alexander reveals he created a pocket universe and sequestered Lois within (what would have happened if Kal-L died…or didn’t stay behind?) Superboy, Kal-L, and Lois follow Alexander to this pocket universe to live out their days.

On Earth, life goes on for most. However, the Anti-Monitor’s final blasts have consequences…

…For Wonder Woman…Princess Diana…the Anti-Monitor’s blast didn’t so much kill her and de-age her until she returned to the clay that created her, sent back in time…we’ll say 18 years to return two years from the moment she disappeared (too bad everyone forgot her in the intervening time)

…for Wally West…Kid Flash…the blast somehow…well, we’ll let him explain:

From here, the writers were free to redefine the surviving heroes (Superman’s powers were scaled back to the point that he wasn’t god-like…and artist John Byrne made his cape not indestructible because the loved ripping it to shreds!) and Batman became more grim (aided by Frank Miller’s The Dark Knight Returns series), for example), but otherwise things stayed as they were (with the influx of heroes and villains from Earths 4, S, and X)

Unfortunately, things never stay static in life, or in comics. Eventually, elements removed due to events in Crisis started creeping back in, times change and characters need updating…

...until another reboot was needed (in 1994)

…and another (in 2005)

…and another (on 2008)

…until DC said screw it and did a full reboot called “The New 52″ in 2011.

Unfortunately, it was not well-received (or thought out) causing everything to reboot again (well, more hitting the reset button to pre-New 52) called “DC Rebirth” in 2016.

How long until the next reboot? Time will tell…

[captainseamech]

The aftermath of this chaotic fighting thread I wrote at 3am

A grayfaced sailor shanted: Hey Big guy, I heard some loud noises and came to check on you, are you okay?? :(( you seem hurt

             That grayfaced individual had a point. In a way, High Tide was hurt, his entire body aching as some steam trailed off from his joints. That brawl was intense, and both parties left with injuries in a way. But the latter half left with one of his ‘belongings’, of which he was still thinking about a way to get it back.

             “Hah... don’ worry ‘bout me, I’m still online aren’t I? At least it didn’ happen in my ship,” the older mech offered a light chuckle despite his condition, waving off to show he was still functional. “I didn’t have that good o’ a fight in eons, I’m surprised I’m still in shape.”

             It has been quite a long time indeed. How long ago was it? How long ago where he fighting in the arenas, fighing in order to keep himself alive and sustain himself in that unfair world? One wouldn’t even be able to count the time on their fingers, as it passes the normal human metric of time. Perhaps not even Earth existed yet, when those events changed his life forever.

             A dark servo reached out to place itself atop of his hidden spark chamber, a soft thoughtful hum leaving the mech.

             “Mauga is... very strong for a human, his strength pretty much matches mine.” He had a point, his armor was pretty resistent and even had additional pressure to keep it in place. Plus, he could indeed feel every hard blow hurt a lot with the added fact it was the first time after eons he struggled during a fight. “I only fought this type o’ person once in my life, I barely lost that fight because they were unfair and...”

             The larger figure suddenly stiffened, the servo placed on his torso flinching impulsively closer to the bigger scar. That probably brought him bad memories. Bad memories of those he had to kill for him to keep getting paid to see him ruthlessly smash someone’s head against the wall for their sick entertainment... and bad memories of something else, too.

             “Well,” he finally spoke again after a minute of silence that felt more like half an hour, “it was nice ye know? I mean, damn, that mountain man could maybe easily fold my metal in half and I wouldn’t have been able t’ find this out if I never fought him, so it was a good experience. It was good t’ learn things like that.”

             “It was good feelin’ younger again, even if momentarily.”

[soojungdx]

hello! 💞

hiiii everyone! sorry for the delay – if you didn't see ms soojung's pinned post, i am not new, this is carly (jaeyong and miyoung's mun). if jaeyong is my worst boy and problematic fave, soojung is my worst girl whom i hate. she's an entirely new muse to me and i'm looking forward to seeing the chaos she causes and how she develops! she's a sideblog, so i won't be following anyone from her account! but her about page is here. please give this post a like if you want to plot with her and i'll fly to u asap 💗 i know i owe a bunch of replies and i will also get to those asap, i have been having a rough go of it lately alksdfjalsdf BUT! i will do the usual ramble about her under the cut and offer some plot ideas too 🙏 thank u for reading in advance!!

ABOUT SOOJUNG

born to two a tier enhanced agents – they were among the first generation introduced to the public

they did not keep her out of the spotlight. she will tell you she has been a superstar since she was born. or something

naturally everyone expected her (and her older sister) to follow in their parents' footsteps

her relationship with her parents is Fine and they are fine people but they were fairly absent because of their jobs

also were/are filthy rich

this left soojung to mainly make nannies' lives a living hell

despite being social and attending events with her parents (when allowed) she was actually a very lonely child

the nanny that she didn't manage to scare away wasn't the most affectionate and she and her sister are kind of opposites and fought a lot

her reflection manipulation manifested when she was nine and looking for a way to entertain herself. making things out of reflections was fun for a while but eventually got old

she ended up spending a lot of time online when she wasn't out socializing and failing to make many deep friendships (she was a troll and catfish tbh)

she did not care about following in her parents' footsteps but they still made her apply for pinnacle every year. and they signed her up for heroes of tomorrow academy

she hated it. too much work!!! she didn't care!!

her older sister got into pinnacle at 19 and was very dedicated, very heroic, very cool

one day when soojung was home alone with her parents, two assassins broke into their home

they were prepared to block her parents powers but didn't expect soojung to be there, so they couldn't control her

her ability to create portals through mirrors manifested then, and she and her parents escaped that way

they moved to x palace apartments after that, for the higher security if nothing else

soojung became a Little more dedicated to improving her abilities after that, just so she could protect her parents better if something like that happened again

eventually she got bored and started slacking again though

she also started streaming herself playing video games, and her charisma manipulation manifested to help her gain her own lil following

or big following. jjangame is pretty big online now, due almost entirely to her parents' rep and the charisma manipulation, because she is awful at games and has a terrible personality. but good for her

she was both relieved and scared when it was her final year to apply to pinnacle. on one hand, fucking finally, she could just stream full time, but also what would people think if she DIDN'T become an enhanced agent???

she got in despite being underqualified #nepotism

she hates pinnacle she hates training and school but she hates the idea of being irrelevant even more so she puts up with it

but still streams whenever she can!

personality-wise she is just a little brat. bitch. asshole. fake!!! so fake nice but actually incredibly mean and selfish she dgaf about anyone but herself and maybe her parents and MAYBE her sister

but she is still beloved by the public both due to the image she projects and her charisma manip, NOT her actual personality

she is terrified to do anything socially significant without her charisma manipulation, but it's only her minor ability, so it tires her out when she uses it. so she takes lots of naps and people probably think she has chronic fatigue. fine with her

PLOT IDEAS

i'm ngl i had some but i forget a lot of them bc it's been so long aslkdjfajlksdf let's see

fans of ame (her streamer persona)

alternatively, haters. she does not know how to deal with being hated, especially by people she hasn't personally wronged

people she's personally wronged <3 i'm sure she's thrown plenty of friends under the bus and stabbed plenty of people in the back over the years

pinnacle and heroes of tomorrow classmates!

i WOULD like her to develop genuine relationships with depth but she doesn't know how to do that KLSDFKLSDF so patient people to put up with her and actually be a good friend to her...it will be sad because she will probably treat them like shit but

she has a corgi named winston and is obsessed with him but doesn't walk him because she's prissy. they have a dogwalker. so winston's dogwalker!

or soojung has to walk winston herself one day and you're like why is this girl walking a corgi in stilettos and acrylic nails and a diamond necklace. wait a second she didn't pick up that dog's poop!!! evil!!

she's probably the type to get in a bunch of shallow romantic relationships because she loves attention. she's bi so both the guys and the gals are acceptable for this though i think she's mostly been with boys

i get the vibe that One relationship or crush fucked her up A Little Bit but i do not know details.....Perhaps We Can Find Out...might need a girl for this one though 👁️ lots to unpack here...

people she plays games with. you could be featured on her stream! or at least your voice over discord could

ok i truly believe i'll be better at brainstorming for her so i'll leave it off here 🫡

[rabbitcruiser]

Pony Express Day

Pony Express Day celebrates those brave souls who made up the unique mail delivery system of the same name. Back in the days of the wild west, there was no Fed Ex, no Postal Service that ran that far west, no planes, and delivery by ship were likely to take months if it ever got there at all.

Seeing this need for a specialized delivery service, Leavenworth and Pike’s Peak Express Company took an opportunity to expand into this void. From this important decision was born one of the most iconic pieces of American History, whose influence is felt in hundreds of Pony Express Day Festivals throughout the American Midwest.

History of Pony Express Day

The Pony Express existed for 18 months between the days of April 3, 1860, to October 1861. In these days there was no airmail, no great American Highway, all there were was hundreds of miles of wide-open spaces with not much in between but animal-filled wilderness and bandito filled hollows.

During this time, if you wanted to send a letter or small package from anywhere East past the gateway of St. Joseph, Missouri, there was only one way to go. The Pony Express was a massive employer for its time, with up to 80 young riders employed at any given stage, with stringent requirements on their age, size, and weight.

The Pony Express preferred to employ the youngest riders they could, in part for their resilience, and in part for how light they were. The lighter a man was the longer the horse could run and the more cargo the rider could carry, and since the horses were put to go full tilt for 10 to 15 miles at a stretch before changing, this was of vital importance.

The rider changed out every 75 to 100 miles, but the mail never so much as slowed even in the worst of weather. While the average trip from coast to coast (On Horseback!) took 10 days, when they delivered Lincoln’s Inaugural Address, the trip was made in a mere 7 days and 17 hours.

How to celebrate Pony Express Day

With Pony Express Day Festivals being a staple all throughout the United States, there are tons of opportunities to celebrate the bravery of these young mailmen. You can spend Postal Express Day dressed up as one of these adventurous young souls who served as the heart of America’s fast-tracked postal line while watching equestrian events commemorating the challenges they faced.

Speaking of equestrian events lets not forget the true heroes of this endeavor, the horses that carried men and post across the nation time and time again. These events often have a broad range of related events, including food-related events.

Chili was one of the staples of the old American West, and as you might imagine there was often a pot of this spicy staple bubbling to keep the riders fed as they came in and out with the packages.

If you find yourself without a local event, you can host one at your home. Make Chili and Cornbread, find logos and the like to print out online, and get the 1953 movie ‘Pony Express’ featuring Charleston Heston and Rhonda Fleming!

This is a classic about this amazing American institution and the trials and efforts of the men and women who fought to make it a reality. So get together with your friends and family on Pony Express Day, and celebrate the Pioneer spirit of the Old West!

Source

[wildegeist-old]

Sweet hell it's been a day.

I got dismissed from work early (rest of my shift still paid), then evacuated to a safer spot for Idalia since my home is right on a damn canal and coastline, was obscenely high flood risk, and there's a mandatory evacuation order for us. After seeing how Ian wrecked Fort Myers last year, I've been extremely paranoid and don't wanna take a chance again- it was supposed to hit my area last year and it was a real plot twist that it didn't. I may end up without power for a bit but I'm out of the "red zone" and safe. If I vanish it probably just means electricity is being funky and nothing else. I can't wait until I move into my apartment next month where it'll be safer.

Booking a hotel was really hard because rooms would actually sell out while I was in the process of booking them. Even when I got to the hotel I DID manage to snag a room at, they almost couldn't even give me the room even though I booked online, cause every hotel is inundated with bookings and their status couldn't update in time. I managed to get extremely lucky, because someone happened to cancel right as the hosts were panicking about finding me a room. I also fought with some of my family who refused to evacuate and criticized me for packing and leaving as I was heading out.

What a nervewracking day! But it's over! I'm gonna just... relax now. I honestly have a lot more peace of mind after jumping through all these hoops, if anything. Life has been just a bit too eventful for my liking lately and I can't wait until I have time to rest. x_x

[ursarangler]

h. ello .

my name is dominique. we are related but that does not matter. i have questions for you .

i am very interested in the strange and unexplained events happening in the regions . i find them very neat . i want to learn more about them as i grow up and. i heard that you went through stuff like that.

i am sorry that happened to you . but also what happened in full . what was celebi like . did you see a. zigazagoon. thank you

thank you for answering my questions . i think you should get more sleep.

— 🎧🐾

▓▒░U(''°ᴥ°'')U░▒▓ hey, kiddo! Please don't tell random strangers online that you're related to them with no context!! I'm not mad at you, I just want you to know that you could really scare the life out of a fella doing that!!

For your questions though σ(￣ᴥ￣ʋ⁠) I wouldn't say I've been through much unexplainable stuff. Really, most of it's just the result of a bunch of men with big egos fucking around and finding out. I did experience some odd things growing up in Unova, though!! U⁠^⁠ｪ⁠^⁠U Lots of strangeness in the woods and out in the more rural parts! I can't remember a lot of it, long ago as it was, but one thing I remember is when I was out at a friend's farm late at night. We were out looking for bugs out by the Torchic coops, and suddenly, the Torchics went all quiet. Next thing I know, there's a whistling coming from in the coops. ▼⁠・⁠ᴥ⁠・⁠▼ I had a bad feeling about all of it, but my friend wanted to make sure there wasn't something in there killing all the mons, so he just tells me to go get his ma and pa, picks up a big stick, and charges on in there.

Kid's been a missing person's case for about fifty years now.

Anyways! U⁠^⁠ｪ⁠^⁠U what happened with the Celebi!!

First off, it put up one hell of a fight!! O-(`ᴥ´Q)/ That's to be expected and all I suppose, being a mythical mon! The psychic armor worked a bit, but I still got tossed around a good bit and not to mention the whole U(”⁠ ⁠⊚ᴥ⊚⁠ ⁠”)U time travel thing. But! V⁠●⁠ᴥ⁠●⁠V like I said! The little critter had no physical strength! The moment I got my teeth around the fucker's head, it was over.

I saw Zigzagoon in the past, but they looked kinda... Different? U(⁠・ᴥ・⁠;⁠)U They looked closer to the kinds they got in Galar, but not quite the same. Weird as all get out. I wasn't really paying much mind to them though because I think I showed up in the middle of a war. I'm not sure what they were fighting about. Couldn't understand a word of what their leader said to me. Shit felt like touching down in Kanto all over again. U⁠ ⁠´⁠꓃⁠ ⁠`⁠ ⁠U A damn mess, really. All I knew was they saw me kill a mythical and figured I'd be of use to their side. They were dressed in red, the other side was dressed in blue. I wound up helping them win a crucial battle and took a fair chunk of the blue leaders out in the process. All in all, I think it took a month or so, but I lost track of time real damn quick. It was just so easy to lose myself out there. The pokemon and I fought the same. Claws and teeth. We don't fully grasp our handlers, but we know we have to fight. Destroy. The praise that rained on me when their necks broke. Ain't I the weapon they needed? The weapon to end them all? Am I not death?

▼⁠・⁠ᴥ⁠・⁠▼ where was I going with this?

Oh! U⁠^⁠ｪ⁠^⁠U They gave me an egg for my efforts! All the best fighters over there had big ol' beastly pokemon by their sides so I suppose they wanted me to keep the fella. U(⁠*⁠´ᴥ｀⁠*⁠)U Be kind of rude to turn the ol' fellas down now, huh? It hasn't hatched yet, but I'm keeping a close eye on it.

After all that, they invited me to some sort of star festival. Something about a pokemon that wakes up once every some odd years? ▼⁠・⁠ᴥ⁠・⁠▼ Figured I'd oblige. While I was there, I saw this little creature taking in energy from the stars. Something... Compelled me to speak to it. I don't know what. I figured it could hear me.

I asked it to take me home.

U⁠^⁠ｪ⁠^⁠U And now we're here!! Anyways, hope this answers things!! It's a bit of a long story, but I suppose you don't seem the type to mind the ramblings of an old man. U(⁠ ⁠´⁠◡ᴥ⁠◡⁠`⁠)U

[perregrinstudiessometimes]

Book review of: Sandy Hook: An American Tragedy and The Battle for Truth

Author: Elizabeth Williamson

Book started on: January 17th

Book ended on: January 20th

Format: audio book

Source: Libby (app that my library partners with)

Good reads summary:

“Based on hundreds of hours of research, interviews, and access to exclusive sources and materials, Sandy Hook is Elizabeth Williamson’s landmark investigation of the aftermath of a school shooting, the work of Sandy Hook parents who fought to defend themselves, and the truth of their children’s fate against the frenzied distortions of online deniers and conspiracy theorists.

On December 14, 2012, a gunman killed twenty first-graders and six educators at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut. Ten years later, Sandy Hook has become a foundational story of how false conspiracy narratives and malicious misinformation have gained traction in society.

One of the nation’s most devastating mass shootings, Sandy Hook was used to create destructive and painful myths. Driven by ideology or profit, or for no sound reason at all, some people insisted it never occurred, or was staged by the federal government as a pretext for seizing Americans’ firearms. They tormented the victims’ relatives online, accosted them on the street and at memorial events, accusing them of faking their loved ones’ murders. Some family members have been stalked and forced into hiding. A gun was fired into the home of one parent.

Present at the creation of this terrible crusade was Alex Jones’s Infowars, a far-right outlet that aired noxious Sandy Hook theories to millions and raised money for the conspiracy theorists’ quest to “prove” the shooting didn’t happen. Enabled by Facebook, YouTube, and other social media companies’ failure to curb harmful content, the conspiracists’ questions grew into suspicion, suspicion grew into demands for more proof, and unanswered demands turned into rage. This pattern of denial and attack would come to characterize some Americans’ response to almost every major event, from mass shootings to the coronavirus pandemic to the 2020 presidential election, in which President Trump’s false claims of a rigged result prompted the January 6, 2021, assault on a bastion of democracy, the U.S. Capitol.

The Sandy Hook families, led by the father of the youngest victim, refused to accept this. Sandy Hook is the story of their battle to preserve their loved ones’ legacies even in the face of threats to their own lives. Through exhaustive reporting, narrative storytelling, and intimate portraits, Sandy Hook is the definitive book on one of the most shocking cultural ruptures of the internet era.”

Book grade: 79/100

My thoughts:

Going in to this book I only had a surface level knowledge of both what happened at Sandy Hook, and the false reporting by the extreme right.

I think many would benefit from reading this book. This book is less about Sandy Hook, and more about the rise of false reporting by the extreme right. This book highlights the blatant disregard for the truth and human suffering that happened at Sandy Hook that was perpetrated by Alex Jones, info-wars, and many other right wing “news” sources. 

I struggle writing reviews for books like these, because my opinion doesn’t matter. These books showcase the facts, and the fact is that Alex Jones lied to his viewers and profited off of those lies. Regardless of whether or not, Alex Jones believes what he said about Sandy Hook, the things that he said are still false. The things that he said still hurt the morning families trying to understand the loss of their children and the things that he said, set a precedent of false “news” regarding pretty much every major shooting that has happened since Sandy Hook.

There was a moment in one of the earlier chapters where the author mentions that a false piece of reporting originally reported that the shooter was the son of a teacher at Sandy Hook. This was the first time I had had that misconception corrected for me. I had been avoiding news on Sandy Hook because I knew about the horrible conspiracies surrounding it and because I was so wary of any news regarding it I never sought out the truth.  Bad reporting in the early days of Sandy Hook caused my mis-knowledge. That bad reporting also fueled people Alex Jones, and his conspiracies.

Because of the polarization of this topic, and the fact that the book takes such a strong side, means that this book fuels its reader, both with grief, but also with rage. This is the type of book that you have to put down every once in a while, because the human body is not meant to be exposed to such strong, horrible emotions for that length of time. I found myself often pausing and trying to gather my thoughts, and I hope that more than just anger comes from this book. I hope that this book does good and reminds people that reporters are not without their faults and that doing your own research means checking more than a couple of sources, and then taking a step outside of our bubbles is not only good but necessary. I deeply appreciate the last chapter that showcases what governments and people are currently doing to help stop the spread of misinformation and stop the tactics that conspiracy theories used to spread that misinformation.

The Internet makes it very easy to get trapped in an echo chamber, where you only see people who agree with you. That is dangerous, regardless of your politics and causes conspiracies like this to spread to the people, most vulnerable to believe them. Social media is not without the fault in this, but the problem remains a human issue. 

[dragon30125]

Hey I haven’t been here in a LOOOONG time, but I need somewhere to just vent where there isn’t really much chance of a pity party or me freaking out some people.

It’s just, really fucking hard right now. This year has ducking sucked, hell most of my life sucks. Some of these are my own fault, some are no ones. Imma just list shit and bare my feelings cos like I need to get things off my chest.

The year started and I was working my ass off, then I got run off the road riding an EScooter and broke my hand, I was able to get 2 days off then back to work I went, I got punched by a customer that was beating the shit out of another customer when I intervened (With my broken hand btw) then I got sick, then my friend died, then I didn’t get to properly celebrate my 30th birthday with my friends cause they all had these plans come up, so I only really had 2 friends actually like celebrate with me (which hey better than my 19th or 22nd birthday when no one came to my party’s right?) then I worked for like 40 days straight then my grandma died, and hey straight off to the Gold Coast whilst my Dad, Aung and Uncle all fought over the Fucked up shit my Uncle did that came to light. Then work got busy and I still couldn’t get time off, even now it’s just a constant fucking fight to have an hour to myself, then dating opht.

So I’m 30, and despite all the different ways I have tried I just cannot succeed at any version of the partners/dating/boyfriend/girlfriend game. I’ve gone to bars, clubs, out with friends, out alone, OkCupid, Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, Feeld and a slew of other apps. Paid for some of them at some point just to see and try but have come up empty. I’ve gotten dates! Not a lot of them, and even less second ones. I’ve never had a third. It fucking sucks. NOTE I don’t blame anyone for this, no one owes me a date or anything if the sort, and the only common factor to these dates is me so it’s obviously something I fuck up. But damn does it hurt. I bloomed late, got comfy with being bi, but just can’t get out of the gate.

And it’s just, the older I get the more I run into the question on these sites “Would you date someone who has never had a relationship?” And Goddamn does it hurt to see more and more people in the pool of people I could date answer more and more “No” to that every year. Again no one owes me anything but like I think I’m allowed to feel sadness that people won’t even give me a chance because of that, can’t I?

Then there’s the whole gender thing. Like the more and more that time goes on the more and more convinced I become that in probably a Trans woman, but then I still have those days that I feel like Andrew again. And then I see all the stuff that Andrew did and does and I don’t think Andi fits into those spaces or with those people even though all of me loves those spaces. Hell even work doesn’t seem like it will be ok to do there. And it just adds to this feeling of defeat that seems to be my daily life now.

I lost all this weight back in 2014/2015 and then I just slowly put it all back on again because I just lost interest in it and now every time I try to start again it feels like it just can’t happen and then that makes me give up even faster.

And I know I KNOW that I’m depressed and that actually going to see a therapist or a counselled or a psychiatrist would help but I literally cannot afford one, and I can’t find one that will take me and actually have me at an office cos I know I can’t do it online, at my apartment where I just want to let go and hide away.

Hell even work sucks for all of these reasons, I keep wanting to go do stuff and have me time, go to events and party’s that I know people at and where I know I can find some release and relief and just some fleeting happiness yet I just can’t get away from there for even 2 hours, having to cover peoples shifts because they’re sick when I’m also sick and it’s just ARGH.

I just don’t know what to do at this point, how to get out of this hole and all I can do is keep walking up this steep path, trudging along whilst finding the bodies of friends who couldn’t fight more, trying to take them with me even though they’re gone, whist some asshole keeps putting more and more arrows of shit into my back, so much that I just have to keep walking though, and just yeah

Look if you read all this thanks, again I don’t want any pity or anything I just needed somewhere to vent to just I dunno put out into the world and see if the universe will just give me a tiny break somewhere. So hopefully it does. I’ll be ok, I’m always ok, every now and then I just need to like pull out those arrows I mentioned so I can keep going so yeah thanks

[wandering-hermitt]

F241018-1137 @ west coast apartment

There’s a certain kind of comfort in being able to jot thoughts down here where it’s empty and online. In the event that the worst happens, I feel like I could just send certain people a link to this blog and my story won’t be completely erased. It’s like having save data of my life, except I guess this blog only has the sad parts. Maybe that’s because I can be brutally honest in here instead of sugarcoating like I tend to do in my actual journals IRL.

I feel like I’ve lost everything. Given up cherished friendships with deep individuals for a relationship that is now structured in a way that really hurts me. He’s allowed to talk to, build connections with, and fuck other women (in enm fashion) so he can heal a part of the void that’s broken (obviously I can’t do the same, even if I wanted to. Which I don’t, because I crave only platonic love at this point). Is it validation that he craves? That he’s not as unlovable as he felt when I made my mistakes? Mistakes that I also suffered through but fought like hell to learn from? Is this really the right way to make up for those mistakes, for me to sit by and let him essentially date and fuck other women?

And yes I did leave. Twice, last year. Because I could see this was hurting us both and he was holding on when he needs space and time to heal. But I was scared shitless that he would do the unthinkable, and my fears were confirmed when he confided that he was indeed planning on it. He up and moved halfway across the country to be alone and become forgotten when he finally did it. That is why I willingly chose to go back; I couldn’t let him do that. Love and fear make a dangerous poison. I can’t be responsible for another case of self destruction. He deserves to heal, not this. But he absolutely refuses to get help every time I suggest it. Therapy, couples therapy, etc.

I am now here because I felt trapped and I am simply making the most of what my life has led me to.

Am I not uniquely fucked up? Who else deals with this?