fancoloredglasses

[fancoloredglasses]

Thank you to everyone who got me to 1000 likes!

[fancoloredglasses]

Saffron's Saga (How can a Browncoat be so gullible?), part 2: "Trash"

[All images are owned by 20th Century Fox Disney and Mutant Enemy Productions. Please don’t sue me. Your gorrum reputation’s bad enough Mr. Whedon]

In the last review, we were introduced to…

…Saffron (played by Christina Hendricks, who would later play Joan on Mad Men). Somehow (given the entire series lasted less than a season), she made a second appearance (though this episode was among those that were produced but didn't air due to the series being cancelled)

PREVIOUSLY ON…

Following a successful job for a frontier settlement, Mal was shocked to discover Saffron aboard Serenity, claiming she was his wife (gifted by the settlement’s elder) Despite the noblest of efforts (he planned on annulling the marriage and setting her up with honest work at their next stop and had NO intention of consummating their “marriage”), Saffron seduced and drugged Mal, then attempted to divert Serenity to pirates who intended on killing the crew and salvaging the ship. However, Mal and Jayne managed to defeat the pirates and confronted Saffron, leaving her knocked out and stranded.

[In another episode that have I not yet reviewed (I will if there's demand), Jayne attempted to sell Simon and River to the Alliance on the planet Ariel, but was double-crossed by the Alliance. When Mal found out, he was this close to throwing Jayne out of the nearest airlock, but Jayne managed to beg his way out of Mal sending him on a walk without a space suit. That will be important later in this episode]

Now, on with the episode! If you would like to watch it, it’s available on CW’s website or behind your favorite paywall.

We open to a scrub desert. It pans until we see…

…huh. I’ll bet there’s a hell of a story behind this!

And to see it, we’ll have to go back about 72 hours.

Mal is doing a smuggling hand-off from his old friend Monty, who had shaved off his epic beard he was so proud of. When asked why, he said it was for his wife, Bridget…

…or should we say Saffron?

Cue the opening!

(Thanks to Mikey)

Mal immediately sets the record straight about Bridget Saffron.

Well, so much for marital bliss. Monty leaves Saffron behind and Mal sure as hell isn’t giving her a ride off world.

OK, that sorta-kinda gets Mal’s attention. Saffron claims she was gonna rope Monty in as a partner, but now she’s willing to work with Mal (is this a setup? I kinda smell setup…)

 Later, when Serenity lands to pick up Mal and the cargo...

Apparently Mal and Saffron has some intense negotiations, as Mal is sporting a nosebleed. While he crew loads the cargo, Inara wants to speak with him.

You’d think she’d realized what sort of a ship she rented a shuttle from. After some intense negotiations (that thankfully didn’t end with another bloody nose, but did involve some hurtful insults on both sides), Mal storms out of Inara’s shuttle with nothing solved.

 Later in the cargo bay, Mal opens a crate to find Saffron inside. Well, ain’t this awkward!

…or not.

Later in the galley, Mal and Saffron lay out the job to the rest of the crew (stealing an ultra-rare ancient weapon) Wash has an important question when they finish.

Fair point. Pretty much everyone voices their issues, but pretty much everyone (except Inara, who storms off) is on board with the caper, but Zoe has yet to weigh in.

(Thanks to Andrea Stellaris)

Ocean’s Six they ain’t, but the job’s a go.

Jayne tells Simon and River that Mal ordered them to stay in their quarters where Saffron can’t try to work her wiles on them and collect the bounty on their heads. After he leaves, River says Jayne’s afraid.

Meanwhile, Inara makes herself scarce as Saffron secretly looks on. Since the job is on a more settled world, she set up some clients (so she’ll have an alibi when the job goes south)

Eventually, the job begins. Mal and Saffron take a shuttle to the mark’s mansion. The scene then cuts between a flashback to the planning stage and Mal and Saffron executing the job as the flashback describes the steps.

The punchline of the plan is to chuck the weapon in the trash, then hack the garbage drone’s nav system to deposit it in the desert. (well, that explains what Mal will be doing in the desert, but why is he gonna be naked?)

Sounds like a fairly foolproof heist. However…

Jayne is shocked unconscious while he replaces the reprogrammed navigation board! Moreso, the mark enters the vault unexpectedly!

Jesus, how many times has she run that particular scam? Saffron (or, as the mark calls her, “Yolonda”) makes up some bullshit story about being captured by slavers and finally escaping and promising Mal payment to bring her home. The mark somehow believes her (seriously, how many times?!) and rushes off to get Mal’s payment.

Mal realizes that Saffron could’ve killed the mark and taken whatever she wanted while he was in her thrall, but…

 As Mal finishes psychoanalyzing Saffron, she pulls a gun on Mal.

…just as the mark returns, having heard enough.

As “Yolonda” and the mark have their little falling out, Mal dumps the prize in the trash and calls for pickup.

However, Kaylee hasn’t finished plugging in the new nav card. She manages to plug it in just as the trash drone shows to pick up its payload.

Inside, Mal manages to disarm Saffron. However…

The mark called in the Alliance, who quickly arrive in an attempt to detain Mal and Saffron. However, they manage to flee the building as security starts crawling about the place.

On the way to the rendezvous, Mal and Saffron have a heart-to-heart about the mark and Saffron explains her past to Mal.

Mal comes over to give her a shoulder to lean on

…which, of course, was a mistake.

Well, that explains the rest of the opening scene.

But what about Serenity?

It seems that Saffron once again sabotaged the navigation, so they won’t be heading for the rendezvous, leaving Saffron with the prize all to herself and Mal naked and stranded in the desert.

…or does it?

Well played Inara! She then seals Saffron…Bridget…Yolonda…whatever the hell her actual name is…into the trash pod and calls the Alliance to pick her up.

But what about Jayne? He was pretty banged up at the start of the job.

(Thanks to Pathfindr)

…Which brings us back to the present, where we started.

 Then Inara shows up and questions Mal definition of “according to plan”.

With that, Serenity arrives to see Mal in all his glory (I’m sure they’ll never look at him the same again) and they head off to fence the loot.

[NOTE: The final image for this review didn’t come from the episode, but from the gag reel that was supposed to be for the cast’s Christmas party, but wound up being a wrap party instead (fucking Fox) However, it seems appropriate to add it here, so…]

[fancoloredglasses]

Saffron's Saga (How can a Browncoat be so gullible?), part 1: "Our Mrs. Reynolds"

[All images are owned by 20th Century Fox Disney and Mutant Enemy Productions. Please don’t sue me. Your gorrum reputation’s bad enough Mr. Whedon]

In the half season Firefly aired, a number of seeds were planted that unfortunately were not given time to bear fruit. And yet, there was only one recurring character that was a major part of two episodes (though only one actually aired) This is the first part of her story.

If you would like to watch the episode, it’s available on CW’s website or behind your favorite paywall.

We open on a frontier planet where a wagon is being robbed by bandits. However…

…the “couple” driving the wagon are Mal and Jayne in disguise, who (with the help of Zoe in the back) make short work of the bandits.

This is a cause for celebration, as this gang of bandits have plagued the settlement that hired Serenity’s crew. There is much drinking and dancing.

A young lass even gifts Mal with a circle of flowers, which she places upon his head.

The next morning on Serenity, Mal finds the lass in his cargo hold! When he demands an explanation…

Hooboy…

On that note, roll the opening credits!

(Thanks to Mikey)

Mal’s new “wife” (whose name is Saffron, played by Christina Hendricks, who would go on to play Joan in Mad Men) explains that she was part of the crew’s payment for dealing with the bandits. Eventually the rest of the crew catches wind of the nuptials.

(Thanks to VonKassel1)

Mal tells Wash to return to the settlement so he can straighten things out with the elders and get Saffron home. However, one of the bandits was connected to a powerful family in the Alliance.

Book decides to clear up this whole “Did he or didn’t he” by consulting the settlement’s customs.

Huh. So I guess they are married (much to Mal’s chagrin and everyone else’s amusement) Mal immediately asks about how to annul the marriage, which sends Saffron off crying. Mal goes after her to calm her down. Saffron asks if Mal will kill her because he doesn’t want her. If course, this sort of talk upsets Mal (but at least it’s not directed at her)

Mal suggests that Saffron find some work in a factory or on a ranch when they arrive in Beaumond in about a week. Saffron seems happy that they’ll be together for that long and toddles off to the kitchen to make dinner for Mal.

Then Book corners Mal and discusses annulment rites for the settlement. He also warns Mal about taking advantage of her physically while things are sorted or else...

Nice to see everyone is taking this seriously.

After assuring Book he has no intention of anything like that, Book goes to make up guest quarters for Saffron while Mal heads for the galley to see what Saffron decided to cook for him. Wash wonders if there’s any more. Saffron apologizes, but suggests Zoe fix him dinner as she departs. Suddenly, Wash isn’t so hungry any more.

Again, nice to know everyone’s taking this seriously. In fact, Mal and Saffron seem to be the ONLY ones who don’t think this is a big joke.

After dinner and more awkward conversation (including Saffron offering to wash Mal’s feet) Mal quickly excuses himself and heads for Inara’s shuttle.

The two get into an argument (I’m guessing someone’s a but touchy that her love interest got himself a bride. Nice to know everyone’s taking this seriously) until Inara throws him out (technically, he does own that shuttle) He leaves the shuttle to find…

(Thanks to Kathryn Nichole)

I would repeat my earlier statements, except I think Jayne is actually serious!

Needless to say, Mal declines Jayne’s generous offer and heads to the cargo hold where he finds Saffron, who overheard the negotiations between him and Jayne. She’s happy Mal didn’t accept.

Meanwhile outside, Serenity is being scanned.

A pair of pirates are preparing to capture Serenity and sell it off (what do they intend to do about the crew?)

Back inside Serenity, Zoe and Wash discuss Saffron and her weird culture. Wash puts things into perspective.

(Thanks to Superkuh)

Later, as Mal heads to his quarters for the night…

Mal very quickly explains that this shouldn’t be happening. However, Saffron has other ideas.

Well…Mal is certainly going to that special hell after this! He finally relents and kisses her. However… 

…Mal falls unconscious due to the drug on Saffron’s lips!

Having knocked out Mal, she then wanders to the bridge.

After getting Wash to start rambling (like it’s that hard), Saffron then shuts the door and…

There is NO WAY IN HELL Wash is gonna fall for that! I mean, Zoe would KILL him!

Well, at least Zoe won’t kill him…assuming they survive whatever Saffron has planned.

Saffron then drags Wash out of the bridge, goes back in, and then sets a course and makes sure it can’t be altered. She then leaves the bridge, seals the hatch by fusing it with a welding strip (ensuring no one can enter) heads for the shuttle, but…

Saffron then tries her seduction trick on Inara, but I’m sure you can imagine how that would work on a Companion.

With that, Saffron gets past Inara to the shuttle and leaves as Inara goes to check on Mal. Upon seeing he’s alive…

…and then she falls unconscious as she drugged herself on whatever was left on Mal’s lips.

Later, Mal wakes up in sickbay and everyone finds out that he was drugged when Saffron kissed him.

I don’t think this is the time for that, Shepherd!

Zoe reports that all internal systems are down (except life support, apparently) and the bridge is sealed off. As Mal arrives to the bridge, Jayne and Zoe torch their way through and they discover Saffron REALLY did a number on the bridge’s systems!

Back to our pirate friends (remember them?) They scan Serenity heading their way.

Yeah, kinda figured they were in cahoots with Saffron.

Back on Serenity, Wash and Kaylee get the computer up and running so they can at least see what kind of mess they’re heading into: A “net” that…well, I’ll let Mal explain.

So kill the crew and salvage the ship. Nasty bit of work!

Fortunately, Mal has a hare-brained scheme to get them out of this.

…and Jayne’s a big part of it!

Mal’s plan: send Jayne outside with Vera wrapped in a space suit (since it needs oxygen to fire) and hit one of the transformers on the net, which should short it out and they fly right through.

Hey, Mal never said it was a foolproof plan (if it was, he likely wouldn’t include a fool like Jayne)

Well, I’ll be…it worked!

Then Jayne and Vera give a little “fuck you” to the pirates

…by depressurizing their control room!

Later, Kaylee and Wash manage to jury rig navigation long enough for them to do a proper repair later. They then set course for Saffron’s hideout (I’d ask how they tracked her, but I’m guessing there’s only so many places within range of that shuttle…and they likely had a tracker on it) After a brief struggle, Mal has Saffron at his mercy.

Mal KOs Saffron (I don’t normally condone violence toward women (nor does Mal), but I’d say she earned that one) and leaves her, taking his wayward shuttle back.

Back on Serenity, Mal and Inara have a bit of a chat. Mal figured Inara tried too hard to convince everyone she wasn’t drugged as well, which probably means she was.

Oooo…SO close, Mal!

Thus ends the episode, but it’s not the last time we’ll see Saffron. Check out my next review to see her return (I really think she’d have been a recurring annoyance if Fox hadn’t screwed over the series like they did)

[fancoloredglasses]

[RERUN] Spider-Man… Spider-Man… Does whatever a spider can…

(thanks to Kenneth Garaza)

[All images are owned by Marvel Disney. Please don’t sue me]

(If you would like to see the wall of text that’s the original review, you may do so here)

Ah yes, 60s Spider-Man…source of so many memes…

(Thanks to knowyourmeme)

(Thanks to buzzfeed)

I never saw the original run of the series (I'm not that old!), but one of the local stations played syndicated episodes every weekday afternoon.

It’s amazing just how many of Spidey’s rogues gallery found their way into this cartoon…

…from the Rhino

…to the Vulture

…to the Green Goblin

…and even the Kingpin.

…especially considering that Spider-Man debuted only 5 years after Spider-Man debuted in Marvel Comics. And the supporting cast was there as well:

J. Jonah Jameson

Aunt May

Betty Brant

…though none of his schoolmates like Flash Thompson, Gwen Stacy, and Mary Jane Watson. (Peter’s “civilian” life was more-or-less ignored unless it involved Aunt May or the Daily Bugle)

I remember loving the action-packed adventures of the web-slinging wall-crawler growing up…then Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man came to DVD with a bonus feature: the origin of Spider-Man from the 60s cartoon! 

I immediately turned it on and was treated to…a ton of footage of Spider-Man swinging around. Over a third of the cartoon was the same 4 or 5 web-slinging animations on different backgrounds.

Later, I had acquired a book about the history of Marvel (the company, not the comics) that mentioned the fact that all the Marvel cartoons from the 60s (Spider-Man, Iron Man, Thor, Captain America, and the Hulk) used drawing from comics panels and “animated” those panels to make their cartoons (which is why in a number of Iron Man cartoons his armor changed its appearance; the artists kept changing his armor between stories and the drawings used in the animations were from different stories for the same cartoon.  That Tony…always gotta tinker!)

Going back and rewatching the old cartoons…yes, they were simpler, but not as simple as Superfriends (notice how I keep going back to them as the low bar?), and Spider-man and His Amazing Friends from the 80s sometimes had less complex plot lines.

If you would like to watch the series, it’s available on Disney+ or behind your favorite paywall.

If you would like to see any episodes reviewed, please let me know!

[fancoloredglasses]

Battle Beyond the Stars (Space samurai), conclusion

(Thanks to Roger Corman [Official YouTube Page])

PREVIOUSLY ON...

The peaceful planet Akir is being threatened by a warlord known as Sador, who demands unconditional surrender when he returns in one week or he'll raze the planet and kill its population. He leaves behind a single fighter to prevent escape. (the pilots of said fighter prove to be lazy, as they let Our Hero leave the planet, but also pervy as they kidnapped a woman from the planet to have fun with)

One lone youth embarks on a quest to recruit mercenaries (with zero budget to hire them)

Shad (played by Richard Thomas, who is best known for playing John-Boy Walton) In his journey with his ship manned by an AI named Nell (I've been calling the ship Nell as well, since she technically is the ship), he has recruited six others

android technician (and potential Love Interest) named Nanelia

An arms dealer known only as Space Cowboy (played by George Peppard, best known for playing Col. John "Hannibal" Smith), who donated his arms shipment after Sador killed his customer along with their planet, Umateal (since the weapons were paid for already) and for some reason offered to help set up the ground defense.

A scavenger known as Cayman, who has a vendetta against Sador and drags his crew with him.

Five beings (or "facets") that are part of a hive mind known as Nestor. Nestor volunteered the facets because it was bored and wanted the experience.

A mercenary known as Gelt (played by Robert Vaughn, who was part of the cast of the Western version of this story (The Magnificent Seven)), who asked for payment in the form of "a meal and a place to hide" (as there was no civilized world he could show his face and not have it shot off)

And finally, St. Exmin, an initiate of a warrior race known as the Valkiri. She is on a pilgrimage to prove her worth in battle so she can return to her people. (Shad wasn't too happy about accepting her help, but beggars can't be choosers.

That catches us up. Now, on to the exciting conclusion. If you would like to watch the film, it's available on Amazon.

Now we have our seven! On to Akir!

Speaking of Akir, let’s check out those lazy pervy pilots that were supposed to be watching the planet.

NOW they pay attention to their duty!

…so now we can add “cowardly” to their description. The woman they kidnap takes that moment to rush the control room and try to seize control. This is enough of a distraction for Gelt to destroy them. Thank you, nameless woman. Your sacrifice will…to be honest, no one even knew she was on board so it will go unnoticed.

With the token guard defeated, the team land on Akir. The Akira are hidden when they arrive (no doubt due in part to the lazy pervy cowards) but when they emerge, they give the warriors a warm reception.

The warriors convene for a strategy session.

(That’s the beam that disintegrated Umateal)

Nanelia explains that when the Stellar Converter is deployed, Sador’s ship will be vulnerable. Normally his fighters would wipe out any resistance first, so they’ll need to destroy the fighters first (gee, I wonder why no one else had thought of that!)

On the ground, Cowboy directs the Akira to build defenses against the inevitable ground assault (after all, why destroy Akir if Sador’s forces can wipe out their people instead?)

Meanwhile, Sador is making his return to claim his prize (think he’ll be upset about his lost pilots?)

Nice to know he thinks so highly of his men.

Back on Akir, the warriors enjoy a bit of calm before all hell breaks loose.

Well, let’s fade away from that bit of awkward flirting between Shad and Nanelia and see how the others are doing.

(Thanks to Kahm)

Wow, standards have fallen over the centuries! We barely acknowledge hot dogs as “food” these days, let alone “meat”!

All too soon, Sador returns. Let’s hope the Akira and their warriors are ready! Cowboy says his goodbyes (remember, he was just there to prep the ground defense, not actually fight. Though I’m pretty sure he’ll be back.) However…

Looks like Cowboy is in this fight whether he wants to be or not!

Exmin is the first to engage Sador (go figure: her ship is the fastest and she’s just itching for a good fight!) She leads the drones away…right into the others, who start to make short work of them.

Sador then decides to get more involved in the battle by launching nukes. One locks onto Nell, and the explosion would likely take her out if they shot it down!

Shad manages to pilot Nell toward Sador’s engines, veering off suddenly so the missile hits Sador’s ship. Not bad, kid!

Unfortunately, Sador’s guns manage to hit Gelt’s ship!

Gelt’s ship crashes onto Akir, taking him out of the fight (I’m going to assume he died in the crash, but it’s not specified)

Elsewhere on the surface, the ground assault has begun. Fortunately, Cowboy was forced to stay on Akir so now he’s coordinating the defense.

With his leadership, this planet of pacifists who’ve never fired a weapon before somehow manage to hold off a platoon of well-trained soldiers. Maybe they can force Sador’s forces to leave the planet and never return!

(Thanks to somecallmetank)

Yeah, that’s what I expected.

The sonic tank sends high frequency, high decibel waves toward the defenders, forcing them to fall back (didn’t Cowboy bring noise-cancelling headphones?)

Two of Cayman’s crew volunteer to deal with the tank.

Hey, it’s better than nothing.

The Kelvins’ psychic abilities disable the tank and take out its escort troops. I doubt that trick will work twice, but at least it bought the defenders some time to regroup.

…or just charge right back in.

Out in space, Nell receives word that Zed (remember him? Has fallen in battle. This sobers Shad up and he returns to the surface to help with the wounded.

Later, Exmin returns to brag about her exploits.

(not sure why the director decided to shoot Exmin’s butt for this scene, but it sure was a choice)

Shad tells Exmin in no uncertain terms that he could care less about “glory in battle”. He just wants his people to be safe.

He then continues tending to the wounded and finds…

Well, at least now we know Gelt survived the crash, but not for much longer. When he dies, Shad demands a full meal be buried with Gelt, to honor their agreement: a meal and a place to hide (you can't get more hidden than six feet under)

Meanwhile, Nestor has a plan.

Since they are all Nestor, that facet would essentially be a spy. Not a bad plan, since the facets are more or less disposable. Let’s check in with that facet…

(Thanks to Lost Gems & Stinkers)

(I don’t know about that. You gave Sador a new nickname: Lefty)

Shad loses hope, but Exmin and Nestor refuse to give up. As he prepares to take Nell up for Round Two (what has Sador been doing while everyone has been cooling their heels on the surface? You’d think he’d just pull out his Stellar Converter and vaporize Akir)…

Awwwww…they get to die together!

And up in space…

Lefty Sador finally gets off his keister and gets serious. Unfortunately, his fighters aren’t any more effective than they were earlier.

However, even incompetents get lucky every now and then as Nestor’s ship takes a hit and is destroyed. Ah well, at least the hive mind will have a hell of a memory?

Finally, Sador has had enough and prepares to fire the Stellar Converter.

Exmin sees her opening and swoops in for the kill!

…well, into the Stellar Converter, anyway. That’s three warriors down.

With the Stellar Converter taken out, Sador sounds the retreat.

Meanwhile, Cowboy has decided to join the fight (Why? Sador’s limping away) and Cayman engages Sador, determined to destroy him.

Then Cowboy engages, but Sador can’t be bothered with him and just launches nukes at him.

The explosion knocks Cowboy’s ship out of control and he crashes back into Akir. Now what was the point of that? That’s four down.

And what of Cayman?

…make that five down, with just Shad and Nanelia remaining (together in one target. Convenient!) Fortunately, Sador decides to withdraw since his Stellar Converter is gone.

Shad isn’t wrong, so he sets Nell on an intercept course. Unfortunately, Sador launches nukes that damage Nell enough that her memory fails.

As Sador brings Nell aboard, he and his men take the time to celebrate their victory. However...

(Thanks to Bloopotronica)

And with that sentiment, the credits roll. We don’t even get a celebration on Akir. They just…roll credits.

[fancoloredglasses]

Battle Beyond the Stars (Space samurai), part 1

(Thanks to Roger Corman [Official YouTube Page])

[All images are owned by New World Pictures 20th Century Pictures Disney. Please don’t sue me]

One of the most influential films of the 20th century was Akira Kurozawa’s Seven Samurai, a tale of seven Japanese warriors banding together to stop an army from destroying a village. It was retold in the United States as the western known as The Magnificent Seven. In 1980, in yet another attempt to cash in on the popularity of Star Wars, the tale was brought into space by Roger Corman in Battle Beyond the Stars.

The film was extremely low budget (with the majority of the funds going toward the salaries of two of its stars) The film was one of James Cameron’s (who would later go on to direct Terminator 2, Aliens, Titanic, and Avatar) early projects as set designer and model maker (the film’s budget was so low, he used spray painted styrofoam McDonald’s boxes to design spaceship interiors!)

Now, on with the show! If you would like to watch the film, it’s available on Amazon.

We open to a giant warship slowly crawling across the screen in a way that would make Spaceball One proud. We switch to be bridge where the commander, a being known as Sador, is shown his newest plaything.

Hmmm…not much to look at from this distance. Couldn’t they magnify it or something?

Anyway, it is explained that Akir’s people are known as the Akira (a nice nod to Kurosawa) and they are a planet of farmers and are pretty much defenseless except for an ancient orbital weather station.

…err, scratch that. They’re totally defenseless now that they no longer have an ancient orbital weather station.

On the surface, the ship enters the atmosphere.

Though due to framing it doesn’t look that large. In fact, it looks barely tall enough for one of the Akira to be able to stand upright inside. Sador introduces himself (using the bottom of his ship as a monitor) to the Akira as their conqueror. He gives then seven days to consider his offer to surrender to him or else he’ll attack, killing all life on the planet.

He then orders the ship's weapons to fire on the people below as a demonstration! After reminding them of his demands, he leaves for a week to threaten other planets. However, he’s not stupid as he leaves a patrol fighter to make sure they don’t get too uppity.

Later, the Akira leaders hold a pity party as they refuse to stand up to Sador. Then one of their elders (named Zed) suggests a reckless plan.

Well, it couldn’t hurt, except the Akira have no money. Still, maybe whatever mercenaries they find will fight for fighting sake (sure, why not?) But who will take on this fool’s errand?

Allow me to introduce the sacrificial lamb brave volunteer, Shad (played by Richard Thomas, who is best known as John-Boy on The Waltons), who has actually flown the ONE spaceship the Akira have (you’d think they would build at least one more in case anything happened to this one)

Zed instructs Shad to seek out a being known as Dr. Hephaestus, a weapons manufacturer. He then turns control of the ship to Shad, introducing him to the ship’s AI, Nell (I’m just gonna call the ship Nell, since the AI pretty much runs the ship anyway) And they’re off!

(Thanks to Tales From SYL Ranch DARKROOM)

Yay laziness?

 Later, Nell arrives at Dr. Hephaestus’s station. However, there is no response to hails. Despite this, Shad takes Nell in. Shad enters the station proper to discover…

…a woman repairing androids (who seems shocked that Shad isn’t one). This is Nanelia, Dr. Hephaestus’s daughter. Shad asks to see her father, but…

I’m pretty sure he’s looked better.

Dr. Hephaestus refuses to help the Akira, but he has a proposition for Shad.

Dr. Hephaestus orders his androids to detain Shad in one of the guest quarters. Later, Nanelia visits him. Somehow, Shad convinces her to help him leave the station rather than making him stay to be a brood stallion for her.

He tries to convince her to join him, but she refuses. However, after thinking about it, she grabs a station shuttle and goes after him. He offers to meet her near his next stop. I’m calling it now: she’ll be sharing quarters with him by the end of the film.

Let’s check back in with Sador, shall we? It seems that he sent once of his men to order another world (Umateal) to surrender. They sent the man back in a space coffee can. Sador isn’t too happy about this.

Meanwhile near the rendezvous point, Nell and Shad encounter…

(Thanks to Teut Hamer)

[QUICK NOTE: Space Cowboy (no actual name given) is played by George Peppard, who would go on to lead another group of mercenaries on Earth]

After an argument as to just who’s in charge of this mission, Shad and Nell finish off the Jackers.

Shad then talks to Cowboy about signing on.

I’m guessing Shad’s sales pitch needs some work.

Then Nell gets a message from Umateal. Say, isn’t that the world that Sador…uh oh.

Sador vaporizes the planet! Cowboy still isn’t interested, but seeing as his customer was on Umateal…

Shad agrees to take Cowboy’s weapons (since they’re already paid for by a dead guy), but the Akira will need someone to train them how to use them.

Hey, better than nothing! As a way to celebrate their deal, Cowboy offers to show Shad one of his old westerns. I wonder if he has a copy of The Magnificent Seven?

Meanwhile Nanelia is approaching the rendezvous point when…

…a strange light show envelops her ship, rendering her unconscious (I guess she’s epileptic?) Then another ship fires on the lights and they disappear (Wouldn’t an off switch be easier?), then captures her ship.

She awakens hanging by her wrists in a steam room with a creepy alien eyeing her like a side of beef (though if the being eats sentients, she may essentially be one to him)

Err…right.

The Sleestak clone introduces himself as Cayman, and he saved her from the disco lights (that were about to eat her) She appreciates the save and would like to be on her way, but it seems they have other plans for her…

She should’ve taken her chances with the technicolor dream-predator.

Instead, she tries to hire them to help defend Akir, spinning a bullshit story about how much they could be paid for their help. However, he’s not buying what she’s selling.

That gets Cayman’s attention, as he has a laser axe to grind with Sador, so he agrees to help.

Getting back to Shad, Nell feel herself being pulled off course by…

Nell says she can’t pull free, so Shad turns her around and charges right at them! Suddenly he vanishes from Nell’s bridge into…

(Thanks to MΣƬΛ)

Seeing as beggars can’t be choosers, Shad agrees. So now we have either all seven (since this is based off Seven Samurai) or three warriors, depending on how you view Nestor.

In any case, let’s check back with Akir and the lazy fighter pilots (remember them?)

…who are perving on Akira mating rituals. They decide to once again shun their orders and go down and abduct one of the Arkia women! I guess with looks like theirs it’s hard to get a date on Saturday night.

Now that we’ve shown how creepy Sador’s goons can be, let’s get back to Shad and Nell, who have arrived at the planet Nascosto.

However, all Shad can see is a massive storm system covering the planet. Nell explains the civilization is underground due to the weather. Shad finds a place to land and goes searching for a way in.

I think Nell’s data on this planet is a but outdated. However, while Shad is playing with the outdated computers…

Fortunately, whoever it is is a lousy shot. We’ll just say they’re trying to get his attention. Shad quickly explains that he’s looking for mercenaries.

The man (Gelt, played by Robert Vaughn (who played one of The Magnificent Seven)) explains that a coalition of neighboring systems wiped out the rest of the mercenaries, so now there’s just him.

After debating the morals of being a mercenary, Shad makes his offer. Gelt explains he’s very wealthy from his exploits, but he’s made so many enemies he can’t show his face to spend any of it.

With that, Gelt agrees to "a meal and a place to hide", bringing the total to four (I guess we’re calling all of Nestor’s bodies as one mercenary)

As Shad and Nell leave Nascoso, they encounter…

The ship opens fire, but is ineffective. The ship hails Nell.

Exmin wants to join up, but Shad is too annoyed to accept (what���s that saying about beggars and choosers?) I have a feeling this won’t be the last we see of her.

Having ditched Exmin, Shad contacts Cowboy to let him know that the others are coming in. I guess if you count Shad and Nanelia that’s six. Where’s the seventh?

After introductions are made…

I knew Exmin wouldn’t give up so easily.

(much to Shad’s chagrin)

Now we have our seven! On to Akir!

WILL this band of seven defeat Sador?

CAN they save Akir?

DOES Cowboy have a copy of The Magnificent Seven?

These questions and more will be answered in the exciting conclusion!

[fancoloredglasses]

Smallville (a 10-year origin story)

[All images are owned by DC Comics and Warner Bros-Discovery. Please don’t sue me]

(Thanks to jimgerakaris)

A bit of history of Superman before the actual review…

(Thanks to DC)

When Superman was created in 1939, no thought was given to Clark Kent’s life before coming to Metropolis. One day, he decided to wear a blue body suit with red underpants on the outside and a giant S on his chest.

However, after the second World War came to a close, Superman co-creator Jerry Siegel decided to expand on Superman’s origin, saying that he actually donned the “Captain Underpants” look as a teen.

(Thanks to Comics Archaeology)

I would like to note that Smallville looked like a town of less than 10,000 people. This would be the type of town where everyone knows everyone, so there’s NO WAY Clark’s secret would remain a secret for long (in fact, Clark’s best friend Pete Ross DID find out)

However, following Crisis, Superboy was removed from the continuity and once again, Clark Kent first donned the tights as an adult…

…after he was forced to reveal himself to the public.

But what about his life before he came to Metropolis? In 2001, the WB Network (which would later merge with UPN to become the CW Network) sought to answer that question with Smallville, which was to chronicle the life of a teenage Clark.

Warner Brothers executives has two demands to green light the series: No tights and No flights (meaning Clark couldn’t “suit up” over the course of the series and couldn’t fly.

However, in the second episode we see Clark floating over his bed)

The series started as you’d expect (with baby Kal-El landing in Smallville, Kansas) However, he didn’t come alone.

(Thanks to Varun Hans)

The meteors that fell on Smallville (three guesses what those meteors are made of) have radiation that has mutagenic properties (in addition to being poisonous to Kryptonians) Season 1 was pretty much Clark Kent vs. the Kryptonite mutant of the week (they started easing up on it starting with Season 2)

Anyway, let’s meet the stars of the show…

Young Clark Kent (played by Tom Welling), who starts the series as an awkward teen starting at Smallville High School. He spends much of the first four seasons discovering his powers and heritage (more on that later)

Clark adopted parents and Martha and Jonathan Kent (played by Annette O’Toole (who played Lana Lang in Superman III) and John Schneider (who played Bo Duke in The Dukes of Hazzard)), who try to instill in Clark small-town values while teaching him to use his powers to help others.

Clark’s best friends are Chloe Sullivan (played by Allison Mack [FUN FACT: Chloe was created for the series; due to her popularity, DC brought her into the comics]) and Pete Ross (played by Sam Jones III)

While Pete is the first to learn Clark’s secret, Chloe is editor for the school paper and has an obsession over the strange happenings around Smallville that started the day of the meteor storm (so naturally she eventually finds out as well)

Clark has a crush on Lana Lang (played by Kristin Kreuk, who would go on to play the title character in Street Fighter: The Legend on Chun-Li), whose parents were vaporized in the meteor storm. She wears a pendant made of meteor rock to remember them (which means she is literally toxic for Clark)

Naturally, you can’t have Superman Clark Kent without Lex Luthor (played by Michael Rosenbaum) Lex lost his hair due to Kryptonite radiation during the meteor storm. At the beginning of the series, Lex was more or less banished to the Smallville fertilizer plant owned by his father…

…Lionel Luthor (played by John Glover, who played Daniel Clamp in Gremlins 2), founder and CEO of the multinational corporation known as Luthor Corp.

Lex and Clark start out as friends after they meet…

(Thanks to Varun Hans)

While Lex initially tries to do the right thing, he eventually goes down the dark path we all know he will as he and Clark become enemies.

There are others who join the cast as the series moves beyond a teen drama with super powers after season 4 (it ran for 10 seasons), including future members of the Justice League…

…such as Green Arrow

Martian Manhunter

…and the Flash.

However, Krypton exerts influence on Clark and the Kents, as the spirit of Jor-El (played by Terrence Stamp, who played General Zod in Superman II) repeatedly tries to push Clark to a destiny he’s not sure he wants.

But Stamp and O’Toole aren’t the only callback actors, as we have one more cast member from the films…

Christopher Reeve (the Man of Steel himself) in his final role as an astronomer with insight into Krypton.

Clark eventually finds his way to Metropolis (which is visible from Smallville’s water tower. So would that place it in Kansas, Nebraska, or Missouri?) and the Daily Planet, which would put him working with…

…Chloe’s cousin Lois Lane (Played by Erica Durance, who would later play Dr. Reid on Saving Hope)

…and Jimmy Olsen (played by Aaron Ashmore, who would go on to play Johnny in Killjoys)

Despite skirting the issue (Clark would use his abilities without the tights, moving so fast that the Daily Planet dubbed him “The Blur”), they gave in to the inevitable for the series finale.

(Thanks to smallville21KAL)

However, that would not be the last we’d see of Welling as Clark Kent, as he got closure 6 years later.

(Thanks to TV Promos)

If you would like to watch the series, it’s available on Hulu or behind your favorite paywall.

As always, if there is an episode you would like reviewed, please let me know!

[fancoloredglasses]

[RERUN] Gargoyles (Gettin’ medieval for the kids)

[All images are owned by Disney. Please don’t sue me]

(Thanks to Jan Schmelter)

(If you would like to see the wall of text that was the original review, you may do so here)

In the 90s, before there were a ton of cable stations devoted to cartoons and kids’ fare (The Disney Channel and Nickelodeon were it) and you could still watch a ton of cartoons between the time that kids would be coming home from school and the time parents came home from work (every TV station not affiliated with the “Big Three” (Fox was not yet the major network it is now, and its stations were often regarded as “independents” that happened to have Fox programming a few nights a week) had this format in the afternoon)

(Thanks to DuckTales Wiki)

In 1990, Disney decided to get in on this action with The Disney Afternoon, a two-hour block of cartoons using series previously aired on the Disney Channel, with such well-regarded shows as Duck Tales, Chip & Dale’s Rescue Rangers, Darkwing Duck, TaleSpin, and Goof Troop.

Then in 1994, Disney took a serious risk with its block. Instead of the kid-friendly mild adventure (and outright comedy) reruns, they premiered a show with a much darker (though still kid-friendly) tone that included characters being wounded and (gasp) killed! Needless to say, this got the immediate attention of my college-age friends and myself!

The cartoon is about a group of gargoyles (hence the series’s title) from the 10th century who, despite a symbiotic relationship with Celtic nobility (they defended the nobles’ castle at night and the humans protected them during the day when they were stone and helpless), were feared and shunned by the very humans they helped protect (almost sounds like a metaphor for racial tensions, much like the mutants in X-Men)

The clan of Gargoyles (well, the ones who the series centers on) consists of 7 warriors

...led by Goliath, the only one of them with a name (voiced by Kieth David who went on to voice Captain Anderson in the Mass Effect video game franchise)

...along with his mate (voiced by Marina Sirtis…we’ll get to her in a moment)

...his mentor (voiced by Ed Asner, who played Lou Grant on The Mary Tyler Moore Show)

...three younger warriors

...and a gargoyle-dog (dog-goyle?)

There are others, but as you’ll see they’re not that important.

When their main ally among the humans betrayed them, (though, to be fair, he was actually betraying the nobles. He assumed the invaders would leave the gargoyles alone after they won. WRONG! The invaders smashed the majority of the gargoyles while they were stone, killing them in a way that was technically kid-friendly) and the nobles blamed them for their defeat (Why? The invaders attacked during the day!) The court mage (who is known as the Magus) cursed the gargoyles to remain stone forever “until the castle rises above the clouds”. What dicks!

Fortunately, the nobles realized who really betrayed them, but unfortunately the mage could not undo the spell, so they took it upon themselves to care for the unborn gargoyle eggs as they fled (This will become important later)

Fast forward about a thousand years, when billionaire industrialist David Xanatos (voiced by Jonathan Frakes…I swear I will address this!) has the castle carefully taken down and reconstructed (making sure to use every piece) atop his skyscraper. Sure enough, this meets the conditions of the spell and the gargoyles awaken at dusk. Goliath discovers his mate was not demolished by the invaders, but was somehow still alive (after a millennium? Given Goliath’s mentor is old, they are obviously not immortal!) and told Xanatos about the spell.

As thanks, Goliath agrees to work with Xanatos, until it’s obvious that Xanatos isn’t exactly on the side of the angels.

Nor, apparently, is Goliath’s mate, who had grown more cold and ruthless (and has developed a hatred of humans) in the past thousand years (again, how? I mean, it is sorta-kinda explained in later episodes, but for now it’s a mystery). Eventually, the pair turn on the gargoyles.

(Thanks to Tooth)

About this time, Goliath meets...

...(and accidentally nearly kills) an NYPD detective named Elisa Maza.

Elisa becomes a fierce ally to the Gargoyles, eventually helping them find a new home since living over Xanatos’s roof could be hazardous to their health (and sorta-kinda becoming a mate to Goliath? Well, at least a romantic interest in a “will they/won’t they/is the biology even possible?!” kind of way)

Elisa is also inadvertently responsible for naming the rest if the Gargoyles. When she asked Goliath’s mentor what his name was, he was exasperated that humans needed to name everything, and asked if a nearby river had a name too. She replied it was the Hudson. He then threw his hands up and declared that he, too, might as well be called the Hudson, which led to the rest of the clan to choose their own names...

(Thanks to Chris bentley)

OK, time to address the Enterprise in the room. A lot of actors affiliated with Star Trek gave their voices to the series (the fact that Sirtis and Frakes played villains when so many associated them with the crew of the Enterprise-D was surreal at the very least) Every chapter in the Trek mythos to date was represented, with TNG being the most heavy.

(Brent Spiner voiced the fae known as Puck

…and LaVar Burton voiced a spider god), though there were voice actors from...

the original series (Nichelle Nichols voiced Elisa’s mother)

Deep Space Nine (Michael Dorn voiced an undead cyborg gargoyle (yes, the series had some weird characters) known as Coldstone)

Voyager (Kate Mulgrew played Xanatos’s lover’s mother,

...as well as Queen Titania of the fae)

…and even the movies! (Paul Winfield, who played the captain of the USS Reliant in Star Trek II, played a recurring role as blind man who befriends Hudson)

The show’s creator has said that, while he did cast Sirtis and Frakes for the roles, it was not originally his intent to fill the series with voices to please the Trekkies, but he did seem to favor Trek actors more as new characters were written.

Many sci-fi and (urban) fantasy tropes were visited, including time travel (again with the time-travel…however, I like how the series handled the concept: you aren’t altering the past by going back in time, events in the past happened as they did because your present self traveled to the past!)

The series was very well-written, especially for its time (X-Men showed that younger audiences could handle more mature content and could follow a continuing storyline…plus a series written as such could draw in an older demographic that could afford all the merchandising)

As always, let me know if there are any episodes you would like reviewed.

[fancoloredglasses]

State of the Glasses IX: I hate reruns

No cute video here. I'm too depressed.

For those in the US, yesterday was Election Day. If you've been anywhere near a TV, computer, or smartphone anywhere in the world, you likely know the result.

Now, I don't wear my politics on my sleeve, but anyone who's been reading my reviews for a while should be able to figure them out, so let me just say...

Hopefully, our nation survives the next four years and we actually have a new President after that.

I'm sorry to pull the curtain this far back. This is supposed to be a fun hobby for me about revisiting things I saw when I was younger. I shouldn't use it as a soap box for real events, but I felt I should say something.

On a side note, I had written a review of an episode of a show set in 2020 that featured a woman of color (I made a joke or two that the show was a few years early for that). Now I am seriously considering pulling the review because I feel it may be too depressing (It's scheduled to be posted in January. Yes, I write that far in advance)

Please let me know your thoughts on said episode (I won't say what series the episode is from unless you REALLY want to know, but you'll know it when you see it)

Now back to our regularly scheduled frivolity.

[fancoloredglasses]

Over the Edge (Well, THAT escalated quickly!)

[All images are owned by DC Comics and Warner Bros-Discovery. I hope I’m too small-fry to sue…]

[Thanks to Batgirlspain for the inspiration]

I originally wanted to review this episode of New Batman Adventures for Halloween, but I think most of you will agree that what I went with instead worked better (though a number have commented that I may have been a bit too harsh. However, I stand by my opinion!) So now, instead of a few days before Halloween, this review will be out a few days after the Day of the Dead, which I think is more appropriate.

If you would like to watch the episode, it’s available on Max or behind your favorite paywall.

We open with Batman and Robin on the run from…

Wait, the GCPD is after Batman (and using deadly force)? AND they know who he is?!  What the fucking fuck?!

One of the officers throws a grenade (what police department lets its officers carry grenades?!) at them, nearly blowing Robin to bits! The Dynamic Duo run for the Batmobile, but…

They have RPGs as well? Why aren’t they using this sort of ordinance on Bane or Killer Croc?!

The officer blows up the Batmobile, cutting off the Caped Crusaders’ escape.

Batman buys some time by using his trophies against Gordon and his men.

Namely, the giant penny.

Then, another avenue of escape is cut off by Detective Montoya, but they jump off the ledge toward the water below and into the waiting Batboat. Gordon is about to fire on them when…

…Alfred joins the struggle. He’s quickly subdued, but bought enough time for the Batboat to clear the Batcave. However, they’re not in the clear yet as…

Once again, the cops have an RPG handy to blow up the Batboat (someone please explain why Gordon’s been just sitting on these), but misses. Just as they’re about to fire another volley…

...Nightwing joins the fray and draws their fire. He then fires mini torpedoes at the Police boat’s engine, disabling it as the Dynamic Duo and Former Boy Wonder make their escape.

But why is the GCPD going all out to take down Batman? And how does Gordon know who Batman is? We’ll let Batman explain…

(Thanks to FLYBOY727)

OK, while I understand Gordon being upset about Batman being responsible for putting Barbara in harm’s way, that’s a HUGE step from blaming him yo being her murderer (after all, Scarecrow was the one who knocked her off of the building)! Personally, I think Bullock was salivating at the chance to take down the Bat and planted the seed in Gordon’s head.

But that still doesn’t explain how Gordon knows who Batman is!

For that, let’s fast forward a bit in this flashback to Wayne Manor where Bruce gets a phone call from Gordon.

OK, THAT explain it, though are you telling me the future Oracle wouldn’t have encrypted her computers out the wazoo?

As Gordon hangs up, Bruce sees the GCPD drive up, including a battering ram tank! (Seriously, if Gordon had access to all of this, then WHY is Gotham’s criminal element allowed to run rampant?!) Bruce and Tim retreat to the Batcave, which brings us to where we came in.

(Thanks to Tim Bengsch)

Yeah, you’d think Dick would realize that Gordon is capable of putting two and two together.

Now on his own, Batman ponders his next move (I hear Star City’s nice this time of year)

Meanwhile in Gordon’s office, Mayor Hill tries to get Gordon to stand down.

Since the public knows about Barbara’s connection to Batman…

Hill demands Gordon’s resignation.

Meanwhile, on Tabloid TV…

The assembled villains are suing Bruce Wayne for $1 billion!

...under the advice of the Dini-verse's version of Johnny Cochran.

Meanwhile, Gordon has to decide if he quietly resigns or fights the legal system.

With the clock ticking, Gordon goes to Blackgate Prison.

The convict in the shadows agrees to Gordon’s plan.

(Thanks to The World's Finest)

Oh, don’t tell me this was an “it’s all a dream” episode?!

I guess it was!

Turns out Batgirl got a lungful of the Scarecrow’s fear gas and it surfaced her worst fears in her mind.

Barbara decides that, to keep that nightmare scenario from happening, she would come clean to her father (though not reveal the rest of the Bat Family’s secrets)

That night, Barbara invites her father to dinner…and a talk.

Barbara tries to stammer out what she has to say, but is interrupted by Gordon.

So it is implied that Gordon might already know about Barbara…and possibly the others.

And with that, we fade out and credits roll

[fancoloredglasses]

The Superfriends Meet Frankenstein (Monstrously bad)

[All images owned by DC Comics and Hannah-Barbara. Please don’t sue me]

World’s Greatest Superfriends was pretty much scraping the bottom of the barrel in terms of creativity. The majority of the plots ripped off classic literature and myths (such as Space Arabian Nights, Space Camelot, and Myxlplyx recreating The Wizard of Oz.

However, this review (just in time for Halloween) covers an episode that was ridiculous even by World’s Greatest standards. If you would like to watch it, it’s available on Max or behind your favorite paywall.

We open on a stormy night at a gloomy castle where a mad scientist and his deformed assistant appear to be trying to recreate an infamous experiment.

This is the great, great, grandson of Victor Frankenstein (The writers are using Mel Brooks’s pronunciation of the name)

(Thanks to Gorash)

Dr. Frankenstein (along with his malformed minion Gork (not Igor? I mean, come on! It’s tradition!)) prepares to give life to a monster he intends on turning loose on Transylvania for killing his ancestor 100 years ago. Talk about a slow burning revenge plot!

The experiment is a success, and the monster comes to life. Dr. Frankenstein orders it to destroy Transylvania!

Meanwhile at the Hall of Justice, it’s a quiet day. Batman and Robin are taking advantage of the calm to tune up the Batplane (shouldn’t they do that in the Batcave and not in the Hall of Justice? Especially since…

…some idiot will want to monkey around with the spare parts)

Why is Gleek rummaging around in the Bat-junk?

 To make his own Gleek-plane, of course.

It goes about as well as you’d expect.

[SIDE NOTE: it’s mentioned that the Wonder Twins went with Aquaman to Atlantis, leaving the rest of the Superfriends to Gleek-sit]

The comic relief segment ends as the Trouble Alert blares.

With that, the Batplane speeds to Eastern Europe.

Later, in a village in Transylvania (of course, I think the writers thought the village IS Transylvania), the monster continues its rampage, causing a ton of property damage but not hurting anyone (it IS kids’ TV, after all) as the Dynamic Duo arrive.

The monster isn’t impressed and throws Batman into a nearby bush and Robin into an awning. However, they bounce back and engage the monster, gaining the upper hand for the moment as Dr. Frankenstein looks on.

On Dr. Frankenstein’s orders, the monster retreats to the castle with the Caped Crusaders in hot pursuit. Batman and Robin enter the castle looking for the monster and find a platform covering a sheet. Robin pulls the sheet aside to discover…

Oh, come on! You HAD to know the monster was under there!

Batman pushes the monster into a Jacobs ladder…

…which powers down the monster. The day is saved, right?

Hmm, good point. Sure enough, Dr. Frankenstein shows up, vowing revenge. However, Batman tells Dr. Frankenstein that the Superfriends will stop him.

With that, Gork captures the Dynamic Duo.

(So Dr. Frankenstein just happened to have a giant claw handy?)

Dr. Frankenstein tells Batman he’s planning on using the Superfriends to create his newest monster, starting with Batman!

Dr. Frankenstein’s plan is to transfer Batman’s (and presumably the others’) strength and abilities into the monster.

[OK, hitting pause here. In Superfriends, the only ones with actual powers out of the main cast are Superman and Aquaman. What would Batman and Wonder Woman add? The ability to throw a lasso and use a bunch of monster-themed gadgets? At least the monster could talk to fish if Aquaman was in this episode!]

As Batman’s…bat-ness is undergoing the transfer, Robin is stewing in the dungeon. However…

Let that be a lesson, kids! Always spring the extra few bucks for steel cuffs!

With his ropes chewed off, Robin grabs his utility belt from the nearby table while Gork is sleeping (wait, wasn’t he just upstairs with Dr. Frankenstein?)

Robin rushes off to alert the rest of the Superfriends. Gork then suddenly rushes off to inform Dr. Frankenstein of Robin’s escape.

…all according to plan!

Meanwhile at the Hall of Justice…

Superman and Wonder Woman spring into action and head for Transylvania.

Unfortunately, so does the comic relief.

As the rest of the Superfriends arrive, Superman hears screams from the village, so he and Wonder Woman rush to help

(leaving Batman to rot in Castle Frankenstein, I guess)

(Thanks to Slime Golem's Slimepedia)

Looks like the Superfriends fell right into Dr. Frankenstein’s trap! The tar monster drags Superman and Wonder Woman to the castle and prepped for the procedure.

With that hollow threat, the Superfriends are raised for the transfer, producing…

…yeeeeeaaaah

Dr. Frankenstein then sends his new monster to conquer Europe! The monster leaves the castle, passing a hidden Robin along the way. As Robin tries to figure out what sort of deus ex Supershit he can pull out of his ass to Save The Day…

…the Comic Relief crashes into a nearby bog, then finds Robin. Robin has at least the beginnings of a plan, using Gleek to distract Gork long enough to…

Wow! For once Gleek did something useful! Robin frees the others and prepares to stop the monster, but…

The Superfriends limp to an energy research station and explain the situation to the scientists. They have a machine that can transfer the Superfriends’ remaining energy to Robin, but it’s untested on humans (or Kryptonians)

The scientists perform the procedure and we now have an 10 foot tall Super-Robin.

The scientists explain that the Superfriends could die in an hour if the energy isn’t returned (so no pressure or anything) With that, Robin flies off.

Meanwhile, the monster has grabbed a monorail and throws it into the distance when…

One would think catching it like that would make it split in half. Robin gently returns it to the ground (oblivious to any injuries to passengers and crew caused by the sudden stop when he caught it)

Dr. Frankenstein isn’t pleased upon realizing that his monster isn’t the only one with Superman’s abilities, ordering his monster to kill Robin.

The pair square off, but…

Robin then flies off, returning moments later with…

This weakens the monster (Robin is wearing a lead-lined suit) and flies him away.

Meanwhile, the Superfriends have staggered their way to Frankenstein’s castle (in their weakened state, it likely would’ve taken them a hell of a lot longer than an hour!)

The trio somehow overpower Dr. Frankenstein…

…while Gleek deals with Gork (Gleek useful twice in an episode? Are the writers feeling all right? I mean, even Batman looks shocked!)

Robin sets the controls as the others strap themselves on the tables, then straps the monster and himself in as the process is reversed and everyone is back to normal.

All that’s left is the wrap-up at the Hall of Justice, where Robin kinda misses being able to fly.

Speaking of flying…whatever happened to the comic relief and the Gleek-plane?

Don’t worry. He’ll find his way home by the next episode.

…maybe.

[fancoloredglasses]

Captain America (Could you stop the film, please? I think I'm going to be sick), conclusion

(Thanks to Chas Blankenship)

[All images are owned by Marvel Disney and 21st Century Films MGM. Please don’t sue me]

PREVIOUSLY ON...

Polio survivor Steve Rogers is selected to undergo a process developed by Dr. Vaselli, a scientist who defected to the US from Italy, that transforms him into a super soldier code-named Captain America. Unfortunately, Vaselli is killed by a Nazi spy brought in by US Army officer Lt. Fleming after the process is completed, so Rogers is the last super soldier.

His first mission is to stop a rocket being launched by Vaselli's other creation, a man known only as the Red Skull. Rogers is defeated by the Skull and strapped to the rocket, but Rogers managed to divert the rocket (witnessed by a boy named Thomas Kimball, who takes a picture of the event), causing it to crash into the ice in Alaska, where Captain America would be frozen in suspended animation.

Fast forward 50 years. Tom Kimball becomes President and flies to Rome for an environmental summit, while the Red Skull has plastic surgery and becomes a shadowy terrorist leader.

Meanwhile, Captain America's frozen body is discovered, which makes the news. The Skull dispatches his daughter Valentina to deal with him. Captain America thaws and wanders through Canada (being chased by Valentina) before reaching his home town in California where he's reunited with his childhood sweetheart and her daughter Sharon.

Unfortunately, Sharon's family is attacked (and her mother killed) by Valentina as Kimball is kidnapped by the Skull. Steve (and, for some reason, Sharon) head to Italy to save Kimball and defeat the Skull.

That catches us up. If you would like to watch the film, it’s available out YouTube or behind your favorite paywall.

Speaking of Italy…

…the Red Skull is shooting Kimball full of chemicals that will make the mind-control implant more receptive (or something like that; I admit I wasn’t following his technobabble) As they drag Kimball to the VIP cell…

…he pockets some sort of compound.

Later, Steve and Sharon (why exactly is she tagging along?) have landed in Rome and head for the village the Red Skull came from.

Oh, he is NOT trying THAT again, is he? Surely, she’s too smart to fall for-

…I stand corrected. Steve wants to keep Sharon out of danger (then why did he take her to Italy?) so he ditches her in the middle of Rome. Yeah, that makes sense.

Back at Casa Skull, Kimball pulls out the compound and…

Oh, it’s acid! Why the hell was there acid in the room when Kimball wasn’t being tortured?

Meanwhile, Steve has found the location given in the diary and finds the owner to ask about the previous occupants, but she doesn’t speak English.

Fortunately, Sharon found a taxi to follow him…and, more importantly, speaks Italian.

She doesn’t know much, but her parents saved a few things when they acquired the house, including a tape recorder. They get it to play the tape, which is audio of the Skull’s family being killed 57 years ago. Sharon uses her own recording device to copy the footage

While Sharon and Steve plan their next move (preferably without Steve trying to ditch Sharon again)…

…they’re spotted by Valentina, who takes a seat nearby and draws her pistol! Too bad Steve sees what she was up to and knocks her down. Sharon quickly steals her wallet and they run off.

Unfortunately, Valentina has backup in a car and chases them down. They eventually lose him in the narrow streets, but…

Geez, how many goons did Valentina bring with her? Steve manages to de-cycle the rider, but by then Valentina and her goon squad have shown up, so…

Hey, it’s better than nothing. However, the bike has no brakes and they wind up losing control and falling into the ocean below. Well, at least they lost Valentina.

Once back on land, Sharon goes through Valentina’s wallet and finds her ID, but more importantly…

…proof of her connection to the Skull and an address! Time to go meet the President! Unfortunately…

…Valentina doesn’t give up that easily! How do they plan on outrunning a Porche and a Ferrari in a Fiat?

Sharon decides to be a diversion and draw Valentina’s goons away while Steve storms the fortress. Of course, she’s still driving that Fiat so good luck.

Yeah, that’s kinda what I expected. For whatever reason, Sharon is captured instead of killed. Steve chases after her and finds her earphones and somehow knows Valentina has her.

Inside, after Valentina issues some not-so-veiled threats at Sharon…

…one of her goons finds the recording and gives it to her.

After Valentina leaves, Sharon hears (thanks to a hole in the ceiling)…

…the Red Skull’s plans to inject the implant into Kimball in about 20 minutes. Then he wanders off for a chat with…

…General Fleming (remember him?)?! THE RAT BASTARD! Well, at least that explains what he was doing with a Nazi spy 50 years ago.

Outside, Steve prepares his assault of the Skull’s compound.

…after he changes into his work clothes. Has he even washed that thing after being frozen in it for 50 years?

Inside, the acid has weakened Kimball’s cell door enough for him to kick it open (why is there no guard stationed either at the door or close enough to hear Kimball’s escape?) He hears a few goons and the Skull’s surgeon approach (though they’re just strolling so they obviously didn’t hear the squeal of the cell door being forced open) and open the door (missing the fact that the cell is obviously empty), allowing Kimball the chance to slip out.

…but not escape. Kimball jumps over the side to his death rather than surrender to the Skull.

…but is caught by Captain America! Cap pulls Kimball inside…

…where Kimball shows Cap the picture he took 50 years ago. The Moment ends as they hear the Skull’s goons looking for them.

Between the two, they give the Skull’s goons what for until they manage to knock a goon out that has a satellite phone, so Kimball calls in for reinforcements.

As Cap looks for the Skull, General Fleming (THE RAT BASTARD!) tries to sneak out but is confronted by Kimball and knocked out by a vicious right cross.

Meanwhile, Cap has found the Skull.

(Thanks to TheMovieDump)

In the aftermath, the environmental summit (remember that? That was the whole reason Kimball was in Rome in the first place!) is a success.

Roll credits.

Would this be a better movie with a better lead? Who knows? It likely needed a better script and director as well.

[fancoloredglasses]

Captain America (Could you stop the film, please? I think I'm going to be sick), part 1

(Thanks to Chas Blankenship)

[All images are owned by Marvel Disney and 21st Century Films MGM. Please don’t sue me]

Oh gods…where to start…

First off, I had previously reviewed a pre-MCU interpretation of Captain America. This film, made over a decade later, was supposed to be a theatrical release in conjunction with the 50th anniversary of the character. Unfortunately, it missed the anniversary by a year…as a direct-to-DVD release (mainly due to reviews being savage). I’ll get to the bad acting and poor writing choices lates, but I want to address on HORRIBLE costuming choice first…

CAPTAIN AMERICA’S COWL HAS RUBBER EARS!

WHY?!?!

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way…

One of the first issues with the film is casting an inexperienced actor in the title role:

Matt Salinger, son of Catcher In The Rye author JD Salinger. Now, I’m not saying nepotism was involved, but…

Salinger looked the part but lacked the ability to pull off being the center of attention. The writing certainly didn’t help matters either.

Of course, you can’t have a Captain America film without the Red Skull. However, in this film he is not Johann Schmidt, Nazi (and VERY German) zealot who volunteered for the procedure that transformed him. Instead, he is Tadzio de Santis, an Italian boy who was kidnapped after his family was slaughtered by Mussolini’s forces, then subjected to the procedure and brainwashed.

There are one or two names worth mentioning in the cast (neither of the main characters are) that I’ll cover when they’re introduced, but now…on with the show.

If you would like to watch the film, it’s available out YouTube or behind your favorite paywall.

We open in Italy in 1936, 3 years before the start of WW2 (for those who didn’t pay attention in history class) where a young boy is doing a piano recital (with a tape machine recoding it for posterity) in his home when Italian troops break through the window and enter (wouldn’t the front door be easier since you’re destroying property anyway?)  The father objects and is gunned down for his trouble. Mussolini then orders the boy to be taken as his troops slaughter the rest of the family while they make him watch.. Why this particular boy?

Oh sure, that makes sense. Take a prodigy against his will and kill his family. I’m sure he’ll be totally cooperative after that! Besides, the kid is what, thirteen at most? Surely there are genius adults they could recruit, or maybe Mussolini could’ve just appealed to the family’s sense of patriotism and asked for the boy for the good of the country.

 We then switch to an Italian fortress where we have an Italian officer showing a bunch of German officers a film of a rat for some reason, then reveals…

…and this is a good thing???

The Italian claims the rat is much stronger and more intelligent (yeah, but good luck getting it a date in Saturday night!)

We are then introduced to Dr. Vaselli, who created the process (as opposed to Dr. Erskine in the comics, since he’s German and the producers wanted to do this in Italy for some reason), who is appalled that the military is using her process on the bot (you mean she’d be less appalled if they used it on an adult?) so they have her restrained, but she breaks free and flees.

We then fast forward to 1943 (three years after Cap’s comic debut? Wouldn’t it have made more sense to kidnap an older lad and have this be 1940?)

President Roosevelt is being briefed on Project Rebirth, which is Dr. Veselli’s research now in the hands of the Americans.

The President is told that the first volunteer (at least he wasn’t kidnapped?) as a man named Steve Rogers. Should the test be successful, many more will follow.

Out in California (wait, isn’t Steve from Brooklyn? Can’t the writers get ANY details right?) Steve gives a tearful goodbye to his friends and family before Uncle Sam comes to retrieve him.

Steve is then whisked away to a secret lab, where Steve is pumped full of whatever Vaselli’s formula is and electricity until……

(Thanks to Video Club Random)

[QUICK NOTE: Lt. Fleming is played by Bill Mumy, who played Will Robinson on Lost In Space and Lennier on Babylon 5)

With Vaselli dead, Steve Rogers (Code Name: Captain America) is the first and last of America’s super soldiers. Unfortunately, he was critically injured from his gunshot wounds. Col. Louis (Played by Michael Nouri, who played the Love Interest in Flashdance) tells the doctor to patch him up quick because the Axis has a rocket capable of targeting anywhere in the world, including onto US soil, within a week. So no pressure or anything.

As the doctor leaves, Steve forces himself up and wants to know where he’s going in order to stop that rocket.

Within hours, they’re on a plane.

…with Captain America trying out his new fireproof outfit (with his new shield) Once over the area the launch site is supposed to be hidden, Cap parachutes down.

(Thanks to TheMovieDump)

As the rocket speeds toward Washington…

(Thanks again to Video Club Random)

(The boy’s name is Tom Kimball, whose family happened to be visiting Washington. You’ll be hearing about him again in about 50 years)

Later, in Alaska…

…the rocket crashes, but somehow doesn’t explode. Instead, it buries itself in the ice.

Later, when the Kimballs go home to Ohio, young Tom tells the story about the rocket to his best friend, Sam Kolawetz.

Eventually, the war ended and time marched on until 1993 (3 years after this movie was made; again, why not set he WW2 bit in 1940, then have the present be 1990 (which would be Cap's 50th anniversary)) where young Tom Kimball has grown up to become President Thomas Kimball (Played by Ronny Cox, who was Lt. Bogomil in the Beverly Hills Cop franchise and Dick Jones in RoboCop)

He is preparing to travel to Rome for an environmental summit (considering we’re STILL trying to fight climate change, you can guess how successful it will be)

Before he leaves, Kimball meets with General Fleming (who is NOT played by Bill Mumy, but Darren McGevin (who voiced the crime lord Tony Dracon on Gargoyles)), who seems to give Kimball a veiled threat to cancel the summit.

Let’s switch to Italy and a familiar stronghold we last saw 50 years ago.

…where the Red Skull isn’t so red or skull-y anymore (and is sporting a shiny new prosthetic hand so the actor doesn’t have to pretend he doesn’t have one) Skull is holding a summit of his own to oppose Kimball’s environmental agenda. His compatriots want to kill Kimball, but Skull suggest a brain implant to control him instead.

Meanwhile in Alaska, a group of explorers discover.…

OK, if Cap was THAT close to the surface, then there’s no way (a) he’d be frozen enough for suspended animation and (2) it would’ve taken 50 years to discover him!

The explorers cut through the ice and bring the block of Cap-sicle to their base camp. Suddenly the block shatters and…

…Captain America is alive, well, and very fucking confused. He walks out of the tent into the cold (is he trying to become an ice cube again?)

Later, at the White House, Kimball is reading the morning paper…

Kimball pulls out the photo he took of the man on the rocket from 50 years ago to discover it’s the same person (or at least the same outfit) He then calls Sam Kolawetz (now a reporter for the Washington Dispatch…

...played by Ned Beatty, best known for being Lex Luthor’s flunky in Superman and getting sodomized in Deliverance) Sam (because Kolawetz is too hard to consistently spell) starts going on about the legend of the Red Skull and the man in the ice could be a link to the Skull.

Meanwhile in Rome, Skull is making plans for Kimball’s visit. He wants to know where Kimball will be at all times and any dirt his people can dig up on his Secret Service agents. Then he gets the morning paper and sees…

He then tasks his daughter Valentina (wait, you mean someone had a kid with him? Well, that would explain the change in his appearance) to deal with the good Captain.

Later, in the Great White North (What? You can’t expect Cap to get from Alaska to the Lower 48 without going through Canada!) Cap is wandering aimlessly when helicopters (led by Valentina) approach and Sam is driving toward his location. Cap ducks into the woods, so Valentina has the choppers land and she and a couple of goons give chase on motorcycles they just happened to have aboard (why? Couldn’t the choppers be armed and shoot at Cap from the air?) Cap manages to somehow lose all of the goons except Valentina.

(Thanks to Tales From SYL Ranch DARKROOM)

Cute, but there’s no way in hell anyone else would be dumb enough to fall for that.

To be fair to Cap, just a day ago by his reckoning he was in a war against the Germans and the Japanese.

As Cap drives away, he thumbs through Sam’s notebook (after all, he was frozen before it was ill advised to drive while distracted), checking a map to discover he’s in Canada, and drives until he’s out of gas.

Packing up the notebook and disguising himself (good thing Sam had an overcoat that just happened to be Steve's size) he hikes until nightfall, where he finds a truck stop and a trailer that the driver apparently forgot to lock.

…falling asleep next to the Champaign of Canadian Beers as the truck drives through the night, eventually ending up in Steve Rogers’s hometown.

…eventually realizing this isn’t 1943. He finds his girlfriend’s (Bernice) home, but when he approaches the owner (who looks a lot like her)…

She then calls for her mother to call the cops, but…

…her mother’s his old flame (emphasis on old, since it’s been 50 years) and reality finally sets in.

Meanwhile in Italy, Valentina reports failure, but somehow she bugged Sam.

However, all the Skull can think about is her inability to kill Captain America (he shouldn’t be so hard on her. After all, he couldn’t do it either) and sends her away.

Back in Washington, Sam is tracking down the origins of Captain America.

Wait, if that file is Top Secret, how the hell did he get his hands on it?

Sam goes through the file and finds the hometown of Steve Rogers. He immediately calls President Kimball (remember him?) to give him the news (Wouldn’t Kimball have security clearance for that file, being the President and all?)

So naturally, Valentina now has the information and can improve her father’s opinion of her.

Back in California, Bernice' daughter daughter (Sharon) is letting Steve crash until he gets himself caught up. While at Bernice’s place…

…Sam has shown up looking for Steve Rogers. Suddenly he’s shot from behind (nice to see Ned Beatty continues to be cast as the guy who gets shit on)…

…as Valentina storms in looking for Captain America!

At Sharon’s place, Steve is caught up and realizes Sam was telling the truth, and that the Red Skull is still alive. He remembers Vaselli kept a diary that might have Skull’s actual name. Then the phone ring.

We then shift to outside Bernice’s home, where the occupants are being loaded into emergency vehicles and the place has been cordoned off as a crime scene! Sharon’s father is alive despite being shot, but Sam and Bernice…

…refused to talk and paid the price!

The next morning at the hospital, Sharon sits with her father and turns on the TV to comfort him when a Special Report airs.

Well, THAT can’t be good!

Looks like Captain America is taking a trip to Rome (where Kimball was abducted), but first Steve needs Veselli’s diary. Sharon takes Steve to the diner where the lab was hidden. Surprisingly, it hasn’t been converted into a Denny’s yet. Steve goes to the spot where the secret door should be, only it’s a ladies room now.

As management calls the cops, Valentina and her goons arrive at the diner (how did Steve not know he was being tailed?) Steve then finds a space between studs and punches a hole through the drywall to find the secret door into the remains of the lab.

Steve finds the diary as Valentina’s goons arrive at the diner, guns waving. Steve and Sharon hide as Valentina enters the lab. They manage to sneak out while Valentina’s back is turned, but…

What? You didn’t think Valentina would plan for that? Steve uses the darkness to play cat-and-mouse with the goons, making short work of them. They then leave before the cops arrive. Sharon goes through the diary (so she can read Italian?) and while it doesn’t give the Red Skull’s name, it does give the town where he’s from.

So…trip to Italy?

CAN Captain America save the President?

WILL Steve and Sharon become An Item?

WHO the hell thought ANY of this was a good idea?

These questions and more will be answered in the exciting conclusion!

[fancoloredglasses]

RWBY (a rather Grimm tale)

(Thanks to Story Teller's Corner)

[All images are owned by Rooster Teeth VIZ Media. Please don’t sue me or sic a Grimm on me]

RWBY (pronounced “Ruby”) is an “American Anime” (as in Anime style made in the US. Yes, it IS a genre. Yes, it IS anime; even the Japanese say so!) created by Monty Oum (who, at the time, was lead animator for Red vs. Blue) for Rooster Teeth Productions (sadly, Oum died due to a severe allergic reaction during the third season of the series. It was then taken over by head writer Kerry Shawcross, who worked from Oum’s outline for the series, trying to keep to Oum’s vision as closely as possible)

Nearly all characters are loosely based of myths, legends, tales, and folklore in our world (I will explain who everyone is based on as they are introduced)

The series takes place in the world of Remnant, which humans share their word with…

Faunus, human-like beings with animal traits. Often treated as second-class citizens, a number of them founded a group known as the White Fang, that worked to improve Human/Faunus relations. Unfortunately, the group slowly morphed into a terrorist organization thanks in no small part due to the actions of…

Adam Taurus, who seized control of the group. (I will explain who Adam is based on later, as he is tied with another character)

Also in this world are the Creatures of Grimm (or simply, the Grimm), soulless creatures who are drawn to negative emotions and will eat any living creatures that stand in their way.

Humans and Faunus are in constant danger from the Grimm, so members of both races were forced to step up to become the defenders of the world. These individuals are known as Hunters and Huntresses. Each of the 4 Kingdoms of Remnant have set up schools to train those who would be these defenders to fight and use their abilities, with an elite Academy set up in each capitol to serve as the official training ground for them.

In Remnant, all Humans and Faunus have an Aura that provides limited protection from damage (meaning students can go all out in their combat training until someone’s Aura in exhausted). Hunters and Huntresses are trained to hone their Aura into accessing special abilities called Semblances. Each Hunter and Huntress’s Semblance is different, reflecting the individual’s personality.

Additionally, the weapons used in the series are powered/loaded by a substance known as Dust that can cause elemental effects (such as fire or lightning) Any “firearm” in the series fires cartridges filled with powdered Dust (Dust’s pure form is crystalline)

RWBY centers on four Huntresses-in-Training at Beacon Academy in the Kingdom of Vale known as Team RWBY (At Beacon, the teams are named after the initials of the members’ names)

(Thanks to RWBY)

Leading the group is Ruby Rose (based on Little Red Riding Hood), a prodigy who managed to single-handedly thwart a robbery by a gang of armed mobsters. This got the attention of the Headmaster of Beacon, who immediately admitted her two years earlier than would be the norm.

Her semblance is incredible speed and her weapon-of-choice is a combination scythe/sniper rifle known as the Crescent Rose.

(Thanks again to RWBY)

Weiss Shnee (based on Snow White) is the heir to the Shnee Dust Company (the largest producer of Dust in Remnant) While Ruby considers Weiss her best friend, Weiss considers Ruby an annoyance (though their relationship improves as the series progresses)

Her weapon of choice is a rapier that can be charged with Dust cartridges, while her Seblance is the ability to make circles of power (Glyphs) that can be used as platforms, launching points, or speed boosts. Additionally, all Shnee have the ability to call forth phantoms of Grimm they have defeated.

(RWBY once again)

Blake Belladona (based on Beauty (some say the Beast as well) is a Faunus (her animal part is feline) and former member of the White Fang and Adam Taurus’s ex-lover (What Adam’s based on depends on how you view Blake: is she’s not also the Beast, then Adam is (I lean this way since the Beasts’s name in the tale is Adam); if she is, then Adam’s Gaston. Adam did NOT take the break-up well, and is obsessed with getting Blake back) She’s a bit of a wallflower, preferring to hide in the shadows than deal with people.

Blake has a number of stealth skills based on her time with the White Fang. Her Semblance is the ability to create phantom clones of herself as distractions, while her weapons of choice are a pair or weapons that are combination small automatic pistol, short sword, and whip (she’s nothing if not versatile)

(yep, RWBY again)

Ruby’s sister, Yang Xaio Long (based on Goldilocks) is a hot-headed happy-go-lucky brawler. Technically, Ruby and Yang are half-sisters (they have a common father: Tailong Xiao Long (voiced by Rooster Teeth founder Burnie Burns))

Her Semblance is a buildup of strength the longer a fight goes, while her weapons of choice are gauntlets that pack an extra blow due to dust cannons (that can also be used as firearms or booster rockets to for a speed and/or jump boost) within.

I would be remiss in discussing Team RWBY without discussing “Bumbleby”. Early on, it was hinted that there’s chemistry between Yang and Blake, which only increased as the series progressed (Black + Yellow = Bumbleby)

But Team RWBY aren’t the only students the series follows:

Meet Team JNPR (pronounced “Juniper”) From left to right…

First up is the leader Jeane Arc (based on Joan of Arc), who bluffed his way into Beacon and had, in fact, never did any initial training to become a hunter. As such, he doesn’t have a Semblance when the series begins and is mostly used as comic relief. Fortunately, he does learn tactics fairly quickly. His weapon is a sword that can expand into a shield.

Nora Valkyrie (based on Thor) is a headstrong warrior who tends to charge in without a plan (similar to Yang, but with less anger issues) She uses a Warhammer that can use Dust to rocket-charge her blows. Her Semblance allows her to gain strength when she’s hit with electricity.

Pyrrha Nikos (based on Achilles) was a youth combat champion (with her face on cereal boxes and everything!) before attending Beacon. She has a crush on Jeane and spends a lot of time behind the scenes training him to become the leader he fakes being. Her weapon of choice is spear and shield and her semblance is a form of magnetism (which allows her to make her opponents miss her)

Finally, Lie Ren (originally voiced by Oum before his death; based on Mulan) is a quiet individual who shares a history with Nora (they are the sole survivors of a village that was razed by Grimm) He carries his father’s daggers, as well as bladed pistols that can be thrown like boomerangs. His Semblance allows him (and any in his proximity) to be ignored by the Grimm as long as he remains calm

Teams RWBY and JNPR have other allies as well…

Penny Polendina (based on Pinocchio) is a robot from the kingdom of Atlas who has somehow gained an Aura. She befriends Ruby and has been an ally in a number of fights. Her mechanical nature means she is stronger and faster than a normal person and more resistant to injuries. Her weapons of choice are a set of at least 8 short swords that she can control remotely. Her Semblance boosts her already impressive strength.

Beacon is headed by Professor Ozpin (based on the Wizard of Oz), who is the wise mentor to the students of Beacon, as well as running a global surveillance network looking out for threats to the world’s stability. His semblance is unknown in the first few seasons, and his favored weapon appears to be his walking stick.

Qrow Branwen (based on the Scarecrow) is Yang and Ruby’s uncle (Yang’s mother’s brother) who is a bit of a drunk and lot of a scoundrel who is one of Ozpin’s main agents in the Kingdom of Vale. His semblance is unknown in the first few seasons (though it’s hinted and later revealed that he can transform into a crow; Yang’s mother Raven has a similar ability) and his favored weapon is the a gun-sword that can transform into a scythe (who to you think trained Ruby to wield her Crescent Rose?)

Finally (isn’t this cast of protagonists large enough?) Weiss’s older sister Winter (based on the Snow Queen (AKA Elsa from Frozen)) is another of Ozpin’s agents and is an officer in the Kingdom of Atlas’s military. She has a fierce rivalry with Qrow, seeing his as a layabout while she exudes military discipline.

(Thanks to Nightcore Dimensions)

Like Weiss, her semblance is Glyphs and calling files she’s defeated, though she wields a longsword instead of a rapier.

While it would be nice to say the series is all about hijinks and battling monsters, there are some very real threats to the world besides the Grimm in a coalition that includes Adam Taurus and the White Fang, plus…

Roman Torchwick (based on Romeo Candlewick/Lampwick from Pinoccio, though he resembles Alex from A Clockwork Orange) and his mute sidekick Neapolitan (or simply “Neo”; based on the goddess Hecate but resembles Neapolitan ice cream) are a pair of scoundrels hired to steal as much Dust and cause as much havoc as possible. They got sideways with Ruby when they tried to rob the Dust store she was shopping in (the same incident that got her early entry into Beacon)

Torchwick wields a cane that doubles as a sniper rifle and his Semblance is never revealed, while Neo wields a combat umbrella and her Semblance creates illusions that can be seen by everyone present.

The coalition’s field commander is Cinder Fall (based on Cinderella) She is young enough to pass as a visiting student from another training school. She spends her time reigning in Torchwick and the While Fang while also fomenting discord among the population.

Her Semblance allows her to superheat objects, allowing her to either reshape them or cause them to explode, and her weapon of choice is a pair of glass swords that could be connected to form a bow.

Cinder’s minions are Emerald Sustrai (based on Aladdin) and Mercury Black (based on the god Mercury) Emerald was a street urchin who Cinder found and recruited, and as a result Emerald is totally devoted to Cinder, while Mercury was an assassin on the run when Cinder recruited him, so his loyalties aren’t quite as fanatical. Mercury also lost his legs some time in his past, so he sports mechanical legs with guns within (his weapons of choice).

Emerald’s weapons of choice are a pair of blades chained to pistons and her Semblance allows her to project illusions to a single victim. Mercury is adept at martial arts to supplement his leg-guns and has no Semblance (his father somehow stole it)

The first couple of seasons (or “Volumes”, which consisted of episodes that usually lasted at most 15 minutes (though the finale could be half an hour or longer)) were mainly setting up the world and cast, and was mostly the students being students feeling out their abilities and relationships in the silliest ways possible.

(Thanks to Dorraj)

However, the seeds for the rest of the series were planted in Volumes 2 and 3, with the show taking a very dark turn (which saw the deaths of a number of cast members), which saw Teams RWBY and JNPR teaming up to leave Vale to take on the shadow coalition.

The show lasted for 9 volumes when it went on hiatus due to Rooster Teeth being closed by Warner Bros-Discovery. However, this would not be the end of RWBY as Shawcross managed to sign a deal with VIZ Media to allow him and his team to finish RWBY’s story (based on the progression thus far, I would guess they have 3 more volumes left)

Unfortunately, with Rooster Teeth gone there’s very few options other than a paywall to watch the series (though I did find it on Internet Archive)

There are also two spin-off series as well

RWBY Chibi has the cast re-imagined as cutesy (or “chibi”) characters doing short skits that are little more than fluff (but very entertaining fluff, such as when Ruby writes, directs, and stars in the original production “Little Red Riding Hood” (with Blake wondering why SHE has to be the Big Bad Wolf) or when Jeane becomes the masked vigilante the Huntsman (and fails miserably at it)). The series is available on YouTube. [SPOILER ALERT: Episode 6 contains a MAJOR spoiler for RWBY Volume 3]

RWBY: Ice Queendom is a re-imagining of the first volume of RWBY in which Teams RWBY and JNPR must fight a Grimm that attacks its victims through their dreams. It’s available on Crunchyroll.

If you would like to see any volume reviewed, let me know!

[fancoloredglasses]

Street Fighter (Game over, man! Game over!), conclusion

(Thanks to Media Gamut TV & Film)

[All images are owned by Capcom and Universal. Please don’t sue or HADOUKEN! me]

PREVIOUSLY ON...

The ruthless warlord General M. Bison (played by Raul Julia) has staged a coup on the Asian nation of Shadaloo, taking over 60 Allied Nations (AN) relief workers hostage and capturing one of their military escorts, Carlos Blanka (who happens to be Guile's best friend. What are the odds?), turning him over to his scientists for experimentation. One of the scientists, Dr. Dhalsim, is as much a prisoner as Blanka and the hostages are and is trying to secretly subvert the conditioning that is trying to turn Blanka into an inhuman monster.

Bison is demanding $20 billion for the safe return of the hostages.

Chief among Bison's bodyguards is Dee Jay and Zangrief.

Aiding Bison is arms dealer Sagat and his lieutenant, the pit fighter known as Vega.

However, Bison's efforts are not unopposed.

Chief among his enemies is the leader of the AN forces in Shadaloo Col. Guile (played by Jean Claude Van Damme), along with his aides Cammy (played by pop star Kylie Minogue) and T. Hawk, who are preparing an assault on Bison's hidden stronghold.

...who have recruited martial arts masters turned conmen Ken Masters and Ryu Hoshi to infiltrate Bison's organization undercover in order to report on the stronghold's location.

Additionally, News reporter Chun-Li Zang (played by Ming Na Wen) and her crew, disgraced sumo wrestler Edmund Honda and disgraced heavyweight boxer Balrog (both disgraced due to Bison) have their own revenge planned for Bison. However, Ken and Ryu expose them to Bison to keep their cover. Honda and Balrog are brought to be tortured, while Chun-Li is brought to Bison's quarters.

That more or less catches us up. Now, on with the story. If you would like to watch the film, it's available on Tubi or behind your favorite paywall.

Speaking of Bison’s quarters…

(Thanks to Rotten Tomatoes)

Elsewhere (this film does love switching scenes a lot, doesn’t it?), The torturer in charge of Honda and Balrog prepares to have some fun with his charges when Ken and Ryu explain that they’re be taking over…with their fists to his jaw. They then enter the cell to free Honda and Balrog…

…to discover Honda and Balrog have freed themselves and aren’t too happy with them. Somehow, Ken manages to choke out an explanation and they’re sorta-kinda allies again.

Back in Bison’s chambers…

(Yep, Rotten Tomatoes again)

(Don’t worry. It’s knockout gas. You’d think a ruthless warlord like Bison would make it lethal, but…)

Now let’s switch to the AN forces (or at least Guile’s stealth boat) as he and his team enters Bison’s radar field and passes undetected. As he does, he turns on a video with himself and Blanka (Shouldn’t Guile be paying attention to his driving? I mean, he’s entering a war zone!)

This is the cue to switch to Bison’s lab where we see what they’ve done to Blanka in about 2 ½ days.

Apparently, they accelerated the growth of his hair as well as his muscles. Dhalsim realizes his guards aren’t paying attention to their scientist prisoner, so he takes advantage…

…and changes the brainwashing Blanka is getting to show more peaceful images.

In Bison’s command center, we see that Guile has less than an hour to save the hostages as Chun-LI’s team, Ken, and Ryu are escorted in.

Outside, Guile’s boat takes down two of Bison’s radar stations. Bison finds them via sonar and prepares to attack.

(Rotten Tomatoes once again)

[FUN FACT: The console Bison used has the same configuration that the Street Fighter II arcade machines use]

Meanwhile, in the lab, Dhalsim’s guard finally started paying attention.

He wasn’t very happy when he found out what Dhalsim was up to while he was slacking off. However, Dhalsim fights back, and in the struggle…

…Blanka is released. The question is, which programming has taken hold? Blanka attacks Dhalsim’s guard, so hopefully that means “peaceful”? Then again, the “violent” could’ve taken hold and the guard was the closest target.

Outside, Guile, Cammy, and Hawk (having bailed out before the boat was destroyed) subdue a squad of Bison’s troops, then Guile infiltrates the stronghold as the others prep for the rest of the troops to make their landing.

Inside, the deadline has been reached, but no funds have been deposited (why not? The AN could’ve still deposited the funds and disavowed Guile’s actions)

…as Guile sneaks into the lab and runs into,,,

Blanka is more than a match for Guile, but Guile trues to talk him down.

Surprisingly, it actually works. Guile decides to put Blanka out of him misery, but Dhalsim talks him down.

Back at the Command Center, Bison prepares to execute the hostages.

With that, Bison raises the incubation chamber to release Blanka on the hostages (boy, is he in for a disappointment) The chamber opens to reveal…

Guile manages to close the door to the hostages so they couldn’t be shot and becomes a one-man firing squad on Bison’s troops…until he runs out of ammo.

Zangrief is trying to motivate the troops, but then…

…Honda attacks him and the two mighty wrestlers do battle…and fall through the floor (I feel like that’s supposed to be a fat joke)

Ken and Ryu try to get the hostages to safety, but they’re spotted by Sagat and Vega.

Outside, the AN troops have landed and begin their assault, led by Cammu and Hawk.

I think the quartermaster should be put on report for issuing water camo when forest camo was obviously needed.

In the Command Center, Bison realizes things may not be going his way.

Too bad Dee Jay decides to beat a hasty exit as the AN troops arrive. Bison calls Guile a coward for hiding behind his troops (well, Bison certainly can’t hide behind his since he doesn’t have that many left.)

(Rotten Tomatoes one last time)

So. Many. Jump cuts! I mean, I’m sure that (especially given his condition) Raul Julia didn’t take most (if any) of Van Damme’s blows, but could they possibly make it less obvious?

But that’s not the end of Bison, as he gets up energized after being nearly electrocuted by the console.

…and attempts to return the favor to Guile!

Meanwhile, Dee Jat has broken into Bison’s quarters and takes anything not nailed down, including Bison’s treasury.

Dee Jay exit out the back entrance as Ken enters looking for something valuable for his efforts (Ryu meanwhile is keeping on-mission and trying to free the hostages)

Eh, it might be worth something on eBay.

He then sees Ryu on a security monitor.

(Thanks to Boxoffice Movie Scenes)

Let’s hope Bison stays dead this time.

Meanwhile, the AN forces (and their conscripted volunteers) find and release the hostages. They grab Honda (still fighting Zangrief) along the way.

Zangrief spots Dee Jay fleeing and wonders why a loyal bodyguard would desert his post. Dee Jay explains he’s only loyal to the paycheck Bison gives him.

Somehow, this causes Zangrief to rethink his loyalties.

Meanwhile, the reactors are melting down with only minutes to go before the whole stronghold goes up in flames!

(Thanks again to Boxoffice Movie Scenes)

Overall, the film is a fun (if forgettable) ride despite the bad acting, laughable effects, and poorly choreographed fight scenes.

But I would be negligent if I didn’t show the dedication at the end of the film.

[fancoloredglasses]

Street Fighter (Game over, man! Game over!), part 2

(Thanks to Media Gamut TV & Film)

[All images are owned by Capcom and Universal. Please don’t sue or HADOUKEN! me]

PREVIOUSLY ON...

The ruthless warlord General M. Bison (played by Raul Julia) has staged a coup on the Asian nation of Shadaloo, taking over 60 Allied Nations (AN) relief workers hostage and capturing one of their military escorts, Carlos Blanka (who happens to be Guile's best friend. What are the odds?), turning him over to his scientists for experimentation. One of the scientists, Dr. Dhalsim, is as much a prisoner as Blanka and the hostages are and is trying to secretly subvert the conditioning that is trying to turn Blanka into an inhuman monster.

Bison is demanding $20 billion for the safe return of the hostages.

Chief among Bison's bodyguards is Dee Jay (yes, it’s spelled out) and Zangrief.

[FUN FACT: Dee Jay is a Jamaican breakdancing kickboxer in the game and is based on kickboxer (and later Tae-Bo guru) Billy Blanks])

Aiding Bison is arms dealer Sagat and his lieutenant, the pit fighter known as Vega.

...who got sideways with a pair of martial arts masters turned conmen, Ken Masters and Ryu Hoshi, who try selling bogus weapons to Sagat before all four of them were arrested in a raid led by...

AN commander Col. Guile (played by Jean Claude Van Damme), seen here with his aides Cammy (played by pop star Kylie Minogue) and T. Hawk. Guile is also leading the AN forces deployed to rescue the hostages and stop Bison.

Additionally, Global News Television (GNT) reporter Chun-Li Zang (played my Ming Na Wen), along with her producer Edmund Honda and cameraman Balrog have their own agenda regarding Bison.

Ken and Ryu stage an escape with Sagat and Vega, during which Ken shoots Guile with Hawk's pistol!

That more or less catches us up. Now, on with the story. If you would like to watch the film, it's available on Tubi or behind your favorite paywall.

Back at Bison’s secret base, Bison unveils his vision of the future

Then GNT reports Guile’s murder and Bison gets melancholy.

(Thanks to abatron2010)

That evening, Chun-Li and her team track the homing beacon from inside their broadcast van, but run into interference from a second homing beacon on the truck. But who could’ve planted it?

The GNT van is forced to move on, but not before Chun-Li sneaks out to find out who else is interested in where Sagat is going. She sneaks into the base HQ and tracks the signal to discover…

Oh, you knew he wasn’t actually dead!

Yes, Ken and Ryu are now working for Guile. Guile wants to know Chun-Li’s interest in Bison.

Despite Chun-Li’s passion to see Bison dead, Guile has his men put her in a holding cell.

However, Chun-Li quickly gives her escort the slip.

And where does the truck go?

To an evil carnival and weapon emporium hosted by Bison, of course!

…which has been infiltrated by Chun-Li and her team, disguised as the evening’s entertainment. Ken sees Chun-Li sneak off and decides to follow her, only to get subdued when they’re alone.

Back at the main tent, Sagat finalizes an arms deal with Bison, but Bison wants to pay with…

Sagat will deal with cash for now, thanks. So Bison offers his payment:

Bison has printed his own money in anticipation of his impending victory. OK, there’s overconfidence and then there’s whatever the hell Bison has.

Meanwhile, Ryu has gone in search of Ken, but…

…the rest of Chun-Li’s team is waiting. Chun-Li tells them to leave in the next ten minutes, because she and her team...

Ken and Ryu go back to the conclave to finish their mission (why? Chun-Li’s about to finish it for them), but…

…things got a bit tense in their absence.

Both Bison and Sagat threaten to kill them, so they point out that the entertainment are spies…just as a broadcast airs.

Chun-Li and her team then arm a bomb on their truck and aim it at the meeting!

Unfortunately for Chun-Li’s team (but fortunately for Ken and Ryu), Bison manages to evacuate before the truck arrives (she really shouldn’t have given them warning. That sort of thing is more the villains' shtick)

However, Chun-Li’s activities did not go unnoticed as an AN surveillance satellite sees the explosion, alerting Guile to Bison’s location.

Later in Bison’s stronghold, Ken and Ryu are lauded as heroes, Sagat and Vega are guests, and Team Chun-Li are prisoners (though Chun-Li is escorted to Bison’s chambers) as a timer shows that the AN has less than 12 hours to pay the ransom.

Back at the AN compound, Guile briefs the troops.

Guile will pilot a boat carrying a small strike team (Cammy and Hawk, naturally) to clear the way before the main forces arrive.

Meanwhile, the dungeon Honda and Balrog are in is so decrepit, they manage to pull themselves free from their shackles and plan their escape.

Meanwhile Ken and Ryu have been given new (and more than a bit familiar to fans of the game) outfits.

The next morning, the AN troops are ready to move out when…

(Thanks to Rotten Tomatoes)

Well, Guile is in for one hell of a court martial if he fails.

CAN Guile defeat Bison?

WILL Chun-Li and her team get their revenge?

WHY didn't the producers hire a better director?

These questions and more will be answered in the exciting conclusion!

[fancoloredglasses]

Street Fighter (Game over, man! Game over!), part 1

(Thanks to Media Gamut TV & Film)

[All images are owned by Capcom and Universal. Please don’t sue or HADOUKEN! me]

Once again we delve into video game movies. This time we delve into the second ever video game movie, based on the game that inspired the game that the third video game movie was based on (got all that? I hope so, because there will be a short quiz later)

But first, a bit of backstory…

1987 saw arcades debuting a new video game called Street Fighter, which…wait, let’s go slightly farther back…

(Thanks to Indie Retro News)

In 1984, Data East released a fighting game called Karate Champ (trust me, this will be relevant)

(Thanks to Old Classic Retro Gaming)

A year later, one of the developers of Karate Champ went to Konami to help develop a side-scrolling beat-em-up called Kung-Fu Master (I swear, there’s a point)

(Thanks to Hogan Reviews)

Two years later, a member of THAT development team went to Capcom to help make a fighting game called Street Fighter. The playable characters (Ken and Ryu) were loosely modeled after the characters from Karate Champ and in 1-player mode faced off against characters loosely modeled after the bosses in Kung-Fu Master (told you it would make sense)

The game was pretty basic, and Konami would release a number of successful Beat-em-ups and fighting games over the next 4 years, but then magic hit in 1991.

(Thanks to Eurogamer)

…when Komani released Street Fighter II: The World Warriors, which saw an entire cast of playable characters joining Ken and Ryu, as well as a number of special moves (such as the HODOUKEN! fireball, above) that were dependent on the right combinations of joystick movements and button pressing. The game would spawn a number of variant titles using the name “Street Fighter II” (leading to the joke that Konami doesn’t know how to count to 3)

This would lead Konami to want to do a film about their franchise. But it couldn’t just be about a fighting tournament. It had to be an ADVENTURE!!!! That could sell TOYS!!!!!! And it had to have EVERY character from the games (not just the eight from the original Street Fighter II, but all of the ones that were added in the variant games as well)

The film starred world-class karate and kickboxing competitor (he would’ve been called an MMA fighter if MMA was A Thing in the 80s) turned action star Jean-Claude Van Damme as Allied Nations (AN; (because the UN doesn’t want to be associated with this film) Special Forces operative Col. Guile.

Every hero needs a villain, so Addams Family alum Raul Julia (in what would be his final role. Sadly, he died of cancer before the film was released. Happily, it meant he never had to see how much of a train wreck it was) was given the job of chewing up the scenery as the game’s Final Boss, M. Bison. The rumor is he took the role despite his condition because his kids were fans of the game.

[FUN FACT: The US version of Street Fighter II has a boxer character named Balrog. In Japan, he was named Mike after a certain Heavyweight boxing champion. That was apparently not blatant enough, but M. Tyson was obvious enough to warrant a lawsuit, so they named him M. Bison. When the game came to the US, the lawyers didn’t want to further risk a lawsuit, so the names were switched between M. Bison, the Final Boss (Vega) and a claw-wielding matador (Balrog)]

And thus ends the Star Power of the film.

It was very not well received, earning 11% on Rotten Tomatoes. It is considered by some (mostly kids) to be in the “so bad it’s good” category, but you be the judge. If you want to see the film, it’s available on Tubi or behind your favorite paywall.

We open to a news report announcing that the country of Shadaloo has been taken in a military coup by General M. Bison. The AN forces are on the ground to unseat Bison.

On the scene is reporter Chun-Li Zang (another character from the game (I think we can assume that nearly every Named Character will be from the game), played by Ming-Na Wen, who would go on to be the voice of the title character in the animated version of Mulan and Agent Melinda May in Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.), correspondent for Global News Television (GNT) World News, who reports that Bison kidnapped a team of  63 AN relief workers, killing their military escort (though three are missing), and is ransoming them for $20 billion (or over $300,000 each. I doubt their own families would be willing to pay that much, let alone a world government)

[QUICK NOTE: Chun-Li’s camera man (Balrog) and producer (Edmund Honda) are also characters in the game; As I mentioned earlier, Balrog is a boxer (formerly called M. Bison), while Honda is a sumo wrestler]

Then Chun-Li spots Guile arriving on the scene. Guile is in no mood to talk to Chun-Li, but has some words for Bison.

He then uses PG-13 “sign language” to send a message to Bison. Bison decides to hack the signal to send a message of his own to Guile.

Bison tells Guile that the hostages will die in 72 hours unless his ransom demands are met. He then cuts the signal (before the trace could be completed) and addresses the one captured AN soldier he hasn’t personally killed yet (who happens to be Guile’s best friend. WHAT ARE THE ODDS!)…

…and orders him to be sent to the labs for experimentation

[QUICK NOTES: In the game, Blanka is a savage who is able to electrically charge his body (I’m gonna guess those experiments will make that possible) To the right of Bison is Zangrief, a Russian wrestler from the game. In the movie, Zngrief is fiercely loyal and fiercely an idiot, but I guess wannabe dictators do love the poorly educated.]

Back at the staging area, Guile throws an insult at Chun-Li, who then tries to bond with Guile’s aide, Cammy (played by 80s Loco-Motion singer Kylie Minogue).

[FUN FACT: In the game, Cammy was a clone of M. Bison trained as an assassin before breaking her conditioning and defecting]

We then switch to an underground fighting arena…

…where smugglers Ryu Hoshi and Ken Masters are being escorted to their client…

(Thanks to Dave Law 2013)

[FUN FACT: in the game, Ken and Ryu and friends trained by the same martial arts (which martial art is never specified) master, while Sagat is a Muay Thai master and was the Final Boss in the first game.]

Elsewhere, at Bison’s secret base, Bison checks on the progress of his “guest” scientist, Dr. Dhalsim. Dhalsim is upset that Bison is using his research to conquer.

[FUN FACT: In the game, Dhalsim is a master of…battle yoga?]

Dhalsim shows Bison the conditioning he’s performing on Blanka, filling his brain with violent imagery. During Blanka's programming, Bison plans on turning his mad science division loose on him.

Exactly where is he getting this stuff? I mean, Amazon isn’t yet A Thing.

Meanwhile, back at the fighting arena…

(Thanks again to Dave Law 2013)

[FUN FACT: In the game, Vega (formerly called Balrog) is a ninja (from Spain)]

Well, that’s certainly one way to crash a party!

The next morning, Guile calls a staff meeting to review the previous day’s activities. Cammy reports that though Bison cut the signal before she completed the trace…

Then, the meeting is attacked by a pair of assassins disguised as servers. They don’t last long. Cammy then finds a tattoo marking them as part of Sagat’s organization. Guile figures Sagat (who is currently cooling his heels in the base’s prison following last night’s raid) is working with Bison.

Then Sagat sends Vega and a few of his goons to take care of Ken and Ryu in the prison yard, but the pair hold their own until the guards finally arrive to break things up as Guile looks on

(The man between Cammy and Guile is T. Hawk (short for Thunder Hawk) [FUN FACT: In the game, Hawk is a Native American master of “Thunderfoot Martial Arts”])

Guile takes Ken and Ryu to a refugee camp to guilt them into helping him or else.

Later, Ken and Ryu are put back in the prison’s General Population as the prisoners are being transferred to an actual prison.

Suddenly, Ken and Ryu start an argument, drawing the attention of the guards who break it up and force them into the transport truck with Sagat and Vega.

Smooth, Ryu! As Ryu and Ken free themselves, Sagat makes a deal with them to free him and Vega as well.

Ryu makes the deal and Sagat and Vega free themselves. Vega and Ryu then break out and commandeer the prison truck. Hawk trues to get in the truck, but Ken steals his pistol and shoves him off. Guile tries to stop the truck, but…

..Ken shoots him as the truck drives off! Chun-Li then charges the truck and plants a tracking device on it. However…

Well, that was $8 million (Van Damme’s salary for the film) well spent! Also, looks like Guile’s threat earlier came true.

CAN the AN forces forces win without Guile?

WHO will be Guile's successor?

WHO the hell authorized Van Damme's paycheck?

These questions and more will be answered in Part 2!