#every day i want to bring them back
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where are my mlp au friends. come closer
#everfree daisy and discord syd... i miss you#laamb and humbug i offer you daybreaker and sunset shimmer they seem ur vibes#nyx was starlight but nyx never posted </3#nightmare cherry... i miss you every day#📝#ive been super into infected aus rn and thats not the vibe im going for but it reminded me of them#every day i want to bring them back#was there ever a chrysalis
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@hereticcryptid I appear to be slowly but surely developing an entire series about how Hensheng and Baxia apparently get fed up with their owners' inability to express their feelings and take matters into their own hands...
#mdzs#jin guangyao#nie mingjue#jgy#nmj#nieyao#very sincerely this is a concept i keep coming back to and spinning around in my head#i find it unreasonably funny i want these swords revealing every tender feeling that these two are categorically incapable of admitting to#really i just want to bring the concept of e'ming and the general embarrassment hua cheng feels for his sabre at all times and throw it#into the mdzs world#can't quite bully the concept into an actual fic but i do love thinking about it and drawing art related to it#i assume nmj nearly went completely feral the first time hensheng shot out at him#like yup! he knew jgy was a snake! he's trying to attack him while his guard is down!!! well nmj is gonna deflect this fucking weak attack#and then SKEWER jgy and there's no way lxc can hold it against him!#except rather than deflecting hensheng baxia is a horrible traitor about it and instead he ends up getting cuddled by a touch-starved sword#0/10 nmj is having a horrible day he would genuinely have prefered jgy try to kill him (jgy would have ALSO prefered that as it happens)#(nhs on the other hand is having an AMAZING day when he sees it)#my art#THANK YOU EVERYONE THAT SENT ME PROMPTS!#this seriously helped get me through the day and made my evening so much better#i shall continue to go through them tomorrow after work as well 🥰🥰🥰#hensheng
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rewatched Kurogiri's holiday story from ultra impact (not related to sketch at all)
(but it did inspire me)
on another note
finally!!
#fanart#sketch#my art#bnha#shigaraki tomura#tenko shimura#kurogiri#I cried a bit while playing it I missed the classic LoV I missed Kurogiri WITH the LoV it's been so long :(#and it feels like last chapter (423 atm) broke the seal of sketching them as anything but something static#it took me two or so days to just understand that Kurogiri is... yeah#I can't believe it took Horikoshi so long to bring him back but as I said and will say it again I glad it happened at all#after some thought I just want to sit with the chapters#anyway getting the preordered book was so much fun#it was full of LoV from Toga and Dabi talking about her house to Tenko being upset over being told that he doesn't have friends#and everything in-between basically only Compress left to join in the next volume#I think????#I actually want to get another one already they're so goodddd#and the translation sounds pretty good but I checked some pages not the whole book it'll be boring#it's actually so weird to think that I started a goal of reading the whole series ad it was now officially coming out like this back in 201#and now it's 2024 and the translation is pretty much ahead of anime and maybe it'll be faster than viz volumes too#since it's 2 in 1 basically - I think it's really great since I save some money but get LoV chapters every time#because they appear every 2 books at the start of the series and back then it was hard for me to get them#but I felt content seeing all the books that I bought when I was visiting family for holidays this month because there are so many of them#and I don't need any wi-fi or internet in general to read them back to back now with an addictional volume#they have some mistakes but I don't mind them it feels good to just hold all of them (and a bit heavy after like 8 books) and now it's 18
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Okay I need to write something abt Ivy's brain overheating n starting to cook her head bc it overworks and there's no way there's enough space in her super computer brain for an efficient cooling system combined with Tim involuntarily salivating and feeling hungry when he smells burning flesh as a hold over from eating corpses during the Moon War. This is no longer a want it is a need.
#Been thinking about this for DAYS but every time I open a word doc I get so frozen with emotions abt them so I end up writing nothing#ivy alexandria#gunpowder tim#the mechanisms#I can't stop thinking about it#picturing something like Tim just chilling in Ivy's library/archives. like he's got a bad migraine and wants to take refuge in the quiet#but he's leafing through a random shelf- not really looking at the titles- as an excuse to be there.#when he smells it#a harsh scent undercuttng the stale and dusty atmosphere and rising until it is as loud and pounding as his thundering heart#logically he knows it isn't actually that strong. but it's been long since they were planetside and even longer since he had to smell that#it's all consuming. and for a long moment he stands frozen.#Stomach sunk in his chest only for Tim to be filled with horror when he realizes he's salivating.#and then all he feels filled with is disgust.#he stumbles through the shelves. Fully aware that it could only be coming from Ivy.#He's not quite sure if it's the scent that draws him or a bastardized version of concern.#Either way she's researching in the exact same spot she was when he came in. He wants to leave but she's right by the door and his own brai#is screaming at him to check for a pulse and bring her back to the microwave victim pile for harvest.#Nevermind he knows they cannot die and knows they have food and even (logically) knows he's no longer in thise lunar tunnels#nvgtdtfhvhdgchvjcv ahhhhh no thoughts head empty just this scenario
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I think about the tapes so often the badass dialogue they use to build tension in 46 the storytelling of both Vanessa's past with abuse and showing it still affecting her and her STILL being abused by glitchtrap/mimic and actually truly for real showing that on screen canonically in a game. steel wool having the chance to put in love and effort into the writing of the human characters. the vanessa tapes being about her but also being about showing GGYs progress keeping everything under wraps and how powerless vanessa is to stop him or vanny or glitchtrap. the 46 tapes giving us cute little information about Rabs character and being so sinister with great voice acting and great writing in the dialogue to tell all this information like GOD. I miss the tapes sooo much I want them to come back so bad they were some of the only surviving actual writing from SB and I know steel wool is still capable of cooking like this. they just havent gotten the chance!!!!!
#fuck candy cadet reltelling hansel and gretel i want more tapes#they were so fucking good and so intriguing when sb came out they were such a highlivht for so many people#myself included#everybody loved them & there was tons of discussion behind them like#EVERYBODY LIKES THE TAPES JUST BRING THEM BACK#im so serious guys after sotm and the mimic history lesson era is over we're gonna be so back#now that we know that basically this entire time every game has just been trying to incorporate the mimic and its past#ending with sotm we have an end in sight this whole time theres been no chance but now#when sotm is out the next games will be present day maybe not after ruin but some kind of 2030s lore#and im SO READY TO BE BACK#PUT STEEL WOOL BACK IN THE KITCHEN AND DONT HOLD THEM BACK WITH THE BALL AND CHAIN OF C&P BOOK ACCURACY#pandas.txt
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Damien’s currently getting cancelled on Twitter for *checks to make sure I’m reading this shit right* apologizing for a joke he made five years ago where he mentioned the conflict in Gaza
#every time I go back to Twitter I am reminded why I keep the app closed#some girl was hounding him for an apology#he apologized#she continued hounding him#he was polite and stated his confusion for bringing up a five year old joke#she again continued hounding him#he tweeted separately that he is stepping back from social media for a bit#she and a couple other sjw teens are now bashing him#friendly reminder that he was the only smosh member to publicly talk about Palestine and his support for them#the sjws are really coming for the sweetest person at smosh saying that they might just have to leave the fandom as to not see his face#dear fucking god please leave then#stfu and cloud watch or something#also his joke want even poking fun at any victims it was simply mentioning the complexities of the situation#that’s literally it#anyways if you see anything like that with someone going too far then just report them and their post for harassment and bullying and#DONT interact with them#they’re literally so pissy that he blocked them after harassing them like no fucking duh dude#anyways I hope they get some love from their parents so maybe they won’t have to live on Twitter anymore#have a good day and report and ignore sjws!!!#smosh#damien Haas#I fucking hate twitter
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this isnt what i usually post on this blog but I'm already sick of all the memes and 'jokes'. I am almost certainly leaving the fandom for good now because of the book of bills release and NO it is not because billford's community has an influx of supporters.
So the worship and romanticization of asylums and other abusive practices for mental health have been steadily gaining traction in recent years, especially with the rise of tiktok's toxicity.
SO many people, especially younger people, regularly talk about how they want lobotomies or how women they don't like should be lobotomized. They get tattoos of lobotomy like it's some quirky fun thing and not one of the most horrific tortures someone can endure.
These same people, ESPECIALLY leftists, will look at anyone they disagree with or don't like and say "get institutionalized, loser" or "et therapy" and it's always in a mocking way. it's always in a policing way.
because these people know that mental wards strip everyone of their freedom and their bodily autonomy. they know these places arent for healing--theyre for silencing.
So the amount of people i see treating bill being institutionalized like a good thing---even the writers and alex himself?
Yeah. Im out ✌🏼
#you people try to act quirky and say you like weird stuff and you like crazy people and hate normies#but then when someone isnt a normie and actually does want to change things in radical ways you want to put them in an asylum#i do not want to interact with any of you people!#i still love gravity falls (obviously) but im just... so over the fandom at this point.#even people who LIKE bill are trying to act like this is all a good thing#guess what asylums dont help :) they almost always make things worse!#so in reality if bill ever got out he would just be 100x worse and more vengeful than before! congrats.#Play stupid games get stupid prizes!#gravity falls#antipsych#i seriously dont understand why anyone things mental wards are in any way different than how they used to be a hundred yeears ago.#because they arent. at all. like literally at all.#they forcefully medicate you with pills that you dont need and that actively harm you bc random ass nurses diagnose you with#someething different every other day and ust give you a new pill for every diagnosis#i know someone who was put on antipsychs when not only do they not have a psych disorder but they had a heart condition and#nearly died bc of it. I myself was put on three different pills the very night i went in. they never#even hesitated to wait and see if i would have a bad reaection or if i reeally needed it.#bc why would they when heavily meedicating you makes you unable to think or reaelize what theyre doing is extremely unethical?#i saw multiple people held down and strapped to their beds and given sedatives for doing nothing at all. For simply asking questions.#I saw staff harass and mock and disrespect very speciifc kids (specifically the poc kids.)#I saw staff lie and try to incite fear in other kids and myself.#one of them told me the night before i was cleared for release tat if i said 'im fine' at any point they would keep me for another month.#and that if i didnt continue to take the meds (ssris) that i was overdosing on that they would come grab me in a van and bring me back#against my will.#Keep in mind i was here based off of lies. There was no real reason for me to be in that asylum.#So yeah. literally dont come on this post trying to defend asylums bc i PROMISE you i have more experience in the reality than you#ever could.#Theyre horrible and romanticising it even against a fictional villain is repulsive behavior.
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I have another gig in a week and I'm so nervous 😭 I get paid hundreds of dollars for only five hours of work, but it is so nerve-racking and the work environment is so stressful, like literally every time I'm there I'm on the verge of tears or I have to take a 2 minute break before the show starts just to run to the restrooms and cry bc I get so stressed out. And then when I clock out I just cry my eyes out in my car while driving home. But hey!!! Hundreds of dollars!!! For five or six hours of my time!!! Only a few days a month!!! Hundreds!!! Of dollars!!! So it would be totally stupid to quit.
I wouldn't have been able to afford pampering myself on my last two F/O anniversaries (and currently placing an order for a rose bouquet for Six's anniversary for the 18th) if I didn't have this second job... but if it didn't pay me such a large amount of money each time, I probably would have quit by now bc it makes me so damn anxious. The show isn't even for one week and I'm sitting here stressing about it! I have one thousand other things to stress about and this job shouldn't be one of 'em 😤
I just keep trying to think about Ken hugging me while saying "Aw, sweet girl, don't be nervous! You JUST started this job, you've only worked three shows -- you think you're gonna be perfect your first try?? You're gonna be so good once you get the hang of it. Just look at me! I've been doing Beach for 62 years now, and I still don't know what my job is supposed to be... but I know I look So Cool™ 😎"
#my god i love ken SO MUCH i am so grateful to have an F/O who brings me comfort when im anxious#and grateful i am not as numb as i was three weeks ago#i am still struggling to self ship like i used to - and i think i always will bc of [gestures to 2023] - BUT#the fact that i thought of ken and felt some relief is a rly good sign bc three weeks ago i felt *nothing*#i am depressed and miserable as fuck today but he still gave me a crumb of comfort. THATS SOMETHING ✨#woof#plus I'm gonna be able to meet a TF voice actor in September bc of this job#I'm gonna give him my charms... and... say I liked his character...#and maybe it'll make me feel better around that character. or maybe it won't. but it's worth a try!!!#and how cool is it that I get to work in a place where so many big celebs do their shows?? and MEET them???#one day I wanna meet John Legend if he comes back again and tell him I LOVED him in La La Land 🥺#This job is impossible to get hired for unless if you have connections bc it's so... idk the word. fancy?#that's not the word but it's a Big Job and I am SO STRESSED MY GOD#but I'd be wasting opportunities if I didn't keep trying at least for a few more months#and if I gotta cry my eyes out in the parking lot after my shifts that's fine as long as I work the full five to six hours#I'm celebrating *THREE* F/O anniversaries in September which is ALSO MY BIRTHDAY#so I'm gonna need the extra cheddar to absolutely spoil myself. Officer K and Driver are two big main F/Os#and I still haven't celebrated my Barbie/Ken anniversary as much as I wanted#so!! I!! will!!! tough it out even though this job makes me cry. give me that money#I am stressed every day of my life bc I have a Complex Stress Disorder you might as well pay me hundreds to be stressed
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I work as the person in an amusement park who watches the children who get lost. Here’s some advice. This also applies to any mentally disabled adults that are under your care. Keep in mind that many places will not look for a minor ages 13-17 unless it is close to closing or they are disabled, as corporate considers it a strain on resources and employee use.
1. Teach them your phone number. Best gift you can give them. I’m not supposed to have my phone out at work but I can cut down dependent’s being-lost-time by probably 400% if I can contact you. It also assures the children That We Are Doing Something and that They Are Helpful and Smart. If your dependent has a poor memory, apparently writing your phone number in sharpie and then covering it in nail polish makes it stay all day, even if they’re sweaty or getting in the water. I haven’t tested this but I’ve heard a lot of moms recommend it. I’ve also seen bracelets with little plates or the beads saying the phone number.
Addendum: your dependent may tell you that they know your phone number, but they actually only know your passcode. True story. This summer has been a lot better, but last summer exactly one child the entire season knew his mom’s phone number.
2. Acknowledge that dependent’s memories are faulty, especially in new places. If you tell them to meet you in X spot or that your stuff is all in Y place, they may not remember where it is or remember how to get there.
3. All dependents, but especially little ones, have shit time sense. They might find your stuff, wait there for a minute or two, and truly believe that they’ve been there for an hour. Half the small kids that are brought to me are ones who *know* where their stuff is, but haven’t seen an adult they know personally in 5 minutes, so they’re going to panic.
4. Don’t take naps!!! And don’t let your dependent go anywhere you can’t go or at least go where you catch them at the end!!! Yes you’re staring at the play structure your dependent entered, but can you see them? No? Then there’s a good chance they went elsewhere. So many of the littler kids that are brought to me are brought by genuine, good-hearted strangers who see lost children and take them by the hand. Away from the spot you’re napping in front of/staring vaguely at.
5. This might just be something from my work, but we will not call dependent’s descriptions over the loudspeaker. This is because if an asshole were to see your dependent, hear the description, know it’s a lost dependent, and decide to steal it, they can then use the excuse, “I know where your guardian is! Come with me!” And then lead them out of the park or toss the dependent over their shoulder. Do you know how many crying and screaming dependents leave the location every day? A lot!!! We’re a fun location!!! We’re not going to know if the dependent is screaming because they don’t want to leave or if a stranger is taking them away. We might call the description over the loudspeaker if it’s past closing time and the dependent still isn’t found. But before that, we will only report it over secure radios across the park.
6. Tell a park worker right away. Preferably someone with a radio. Even if you spot the dependent within the next minute, that means the dependent will have less being-lost time. Especially if we already have the dependent with, you guessed it, me. Also please tell us when you find the dependent.
7. Take a picture of your depdendent at the start of the day! That way security guards can have a good idea of what to look for. One mother told me her daughter was blonde and showed me a picture. Her hair color looked brown to me, but then I knew what to look for in the crowd.
8. Keep at least one person in your group in one spot at all times, especially if you don’t have access to your phone or forgot to give out your phone number to the guards. That way they can find you if they pick up the dependent. If you are the only person in your group, then PLEASE stay in one place or at least stay with ONE security guard. It sucks for the dependent if they can’t find you right away even if the both of you are looking for each other and a guard is helping them. You are NOT helping if you panic and run around. And keep your goddamn phone on you and answer calls from unknown numbers!!!!! God. This is a good time to do that.
9. If you lose your dependent in an attraction like the lazy river at a water park, and you have that ONE person staying in place, then this is what you can do with 1+ mobile people.
A. If only one person can be spared to be mobile, have them pick a spot and stay right there, watching the river go by. Eventually, if the dependent is in the river, they’ll go by.
B. If you have two people that can be mobile, both start at the same place in the river and go opposite directions. If you meet up again without spotting the dependent, well, they’re not there.
C. If you have more than 2 people, you can do B but also station different adults at the lazy river entrances/exits.
10. Don’t blame the dependent! Even if they ran away and/or are pissy that you’re upset once you all reunite, trust me, there’s a 99% chance they’re upset too. Yes, this is a good time to have a serious conversation with them. Yes, if this is a repeated problem, and/or you warned them you’d leave the park if this occurred, you should not back down. But also - they’re dependents. They’re not stupid, and they should be told consequences and dangers so they can make good decisions, but they will never have the adult/guardian perspective that you do. Be kind.
Also please for my sake teach them if they’re brought to someone like me, that it’s THEIR job to be safe and listen to me while us park workers look for you. It’s YOUR job to find the dependent, not the dependent’s job to find you. I had a six year old little girl genuinely toddler-howl at me because she wanted to go look for her mom. I’ve never before heard a kid her age howl like that. I can trick kids out of crying 9/10 times but howling came as a surprise lmao. I think I can manage it now that I’ve experienced it but damn.
Also make sure those kids are DRINKING. Being in a water park is NOT the same as drinking water. They should be drinking every 15 minutes at LEAST, I am NOT kidding.
Also if I call you to tell you your kid is here, please don’t call or text me back after you have the kid. I’m sure other places have phones for these types of things but the only one I have is my personal phone. And I am happy to get the kid off my hands and into your arms, but I’m using my personal phone so plz. Don’t call me back. Absolutely call me if you need directions to my ‘office’ in the park. Don’t call or text me after. I have stories about that hoo boy but this post is already long.
#I am not exaggerating when I say howling#not in a wolf way more like a howler monkey if you have no idea what human toddler cries sound like#I like kids of all ages but there’s a reason why#I’m not going to teach elementary school#I am the person in the *place I work* where if a kid is lost#the staff brings the kid to me until the parents are found#so like. I’m never going to see these kids at their best#I wish I could just hug them but I’m barely allowed to hold their hand if I’m escorting them to get water#this time of year their emotions are heightened by the fact that they’re almost certainly dehydrated#but if they’re a flight risk I do NOT want to risk losing the kid#so I have to wait until#a coworker comes by to get them some water sometimes#the howler girl = this kid#this kid was reunited with her mom without too much time going by thank god#she was a huge fucking flight risk omg#she desperately wanted to go find her mom and I’m like#GIRL you are the lost six year old ITS YOUR MOM’S JOB TO FIND YOU!!! Your job is to stay safe!!!#and color this pretty picture oh god please look back at the coloring page instead of calling upon the hounds of hell#I like to assure every kid that is brought to me that#1. mom’s (or whoever) not going to leave without you (sometimes this is a lie judging from the parents.still very important to tell kids thi#2. they did the right thing asking for an adult’s help#3. as they are literally a kid it’s not their fault they’re lost (again a little debatable with the older kids but still they’re minors)(so#I tell them all this)#4. it’s their job to stay safe while we find your mom#5. now do you want some water?#it’s more obvious in the pale kids but I’ve had so many Black and Brown kids come up to me the last couple days looking positively pink#those kids needed water. so I try to get everyone water#it pisses off my coworkers but idgaf. everyone has a legal right to water in this state esp in the summer#and even if they didn’t#fuck you I’m stealing it. these kids need water
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growing up on diff kpop gens with my younger sister this is wild bc her le sserafim/nwjns/illit/kiof was my snsd/aoa/apink/girls' day/exid/gfriend/rv :( 4th/5th gen vs 2nd/3rd gen have CRAZY different energies it's fascinating
#tp#i used to be a die hard sone and pink panda and taeyeon and chorong were the apples of my eye ughh#still AM but the energy is diff bc they're HARDLY active as a group ;-;#miss having hani in every single variety show ever and being a buddy and reloading soumu's page for navillera's release#SCANDALIZED by aoa's concepts but the music was SOOOO good and girls day too my GOSH#want to say bring back the sexy anthems bc that's where they write the best music BUT!! 😞😞 everyone's barely 17-18 nowadays#(not that im not basically their age too but!! good music was good music)#i miss being 9 and hiding the fact that i religiously watched exid's hot pink mv for green highlights!hani 😞😞#and!! and!! all of the chorong dolphin scream compilations!!#and we got married!! i didn't care if they were scripted to hell and back i was just SO entertained ahahaha#and there was this program called showtime where they'd follow groups' days and film various activities they did over many episodes#and that was SO fun#i LOVED apink and exid's showtimes and they did a showtime season for mamamoo and gfriend TOGETHER and once they made them swap#mvs and they filmed each others' music videos the same way and vibes it was hilarious!!#i missed seeing them go on immortal songs and perform!!#i missed the excitement of hearing insanely good vocalists perform solo ballads like eunji solji taeyeon minah etc#THE BIG PINK SUBS AHAHHAHAH those were the days
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Listen i just want to preface this by saying I don't even personally hate Tommy, but that's not really the point i want to make so here goes nothing.
The way a lot of people act as if it's impossible to dislike him because the characters have moved on so so should we, right? and that's the thing right here, as poc we're always being told to move on. We can't express our feelings, we can't hold grudges, we can't complain about issues without making it something more than it is, we always have to just... move on.
I know people are going to say it's just a show, it's not that serious, but the issues it touches on and the way fandom speaks on those issues are.
I've seen a lot of comparisons between Tommy and other mains, how each of them are flawed and have screwed up one way or another, and you're right, but it's still unfair to compare him to them. We've seen each of the main characters experience guilt, or be ashamed of their action, we've seen them apologise, put in the work to actually grow, and they have. There's not enough time in an episode for us to see that for side characters. In this case, Tommy didn't do any of the above and that's normal, he was a plot device to show some very real societal issues, and especially what people of colour/women might go through in the workplace, and once he served his purpose he didn't get much more beyond a few scenes where it seemed like everything was fine between him and chim/hen. It would be more appropriate to compare him to the buckley parents, (who appeared in more or less the same amount of episodes) like if people suddendly started saying no one is allowed to hate them because they got their redemption, their kids more or less forgave them, they more or less tried to be better parents. And yet it's still not enough for a lot of people, because how they treated their children, the shit they've said to them, hits a little too close to home for a lot of people and so no matter what the show says or does, they'll still be mostly hated by the audience, and that's more than okay. But if margaret buckley is your favourite character than by all means be my guest. And listen, i love this show, it's all about hope, and it means everyone gets a redemption arc, as short as it is (sometimes even just a sentence lol), but we won't always be satisfied with these arcs, especially if they don't feel proportional to the hurt the characters may have caused to our mains, so we'll all have different reactions to them.
I swear liking a morally ambiguous/grey character says absolutely nothing about you, but making excuses for them, antagonising people who might dislike them (for good reasons) or acting like suddenly triggers don't exist for people, does say something about you. One of my favourite characters is literally the worst person ever, an actual bigot, but i won't ever write essays about why people are not allowed to dislike him actually because he's my babygirl.. i very much understand why people would.
All of this to say, everyone will have different opinions about Tommy. Some might love him, some will be completely neutral or at worst slightly uncomfortable/bothered by him, and some will straight up hate him, and all of these are fine. Live and let live, love whoever you want to love, and hate whoever you want to hate, but please stop trying to dictate how others should feel, i'm begging. And this really does go both ways.
#i never ever get involved in fandom discourse. ever#my blog is my safe space and so i just want to reblog some silly gifs of my silly little characters and move on about my day#but nothing gets to me more than being told to 'move on'#anyway i know the casual (and not so casual) racism is rampant in this fandom but boy has this week been hell#but just another week in this fandom i guess#(also i know some people hate him just because of buck/eddie and this is a whole other discourse i won't get into)#anti tommy kinard#not really but just in case#fandom discourse#also i said dehumanisation because that's what he did to chimney#acting like people don't exist until they do something that's beneficial to you and that's when you'll finally treat them as human beings#that shit hurts like crazy but it doesn't get talked about enough tbh#and that's also kind of why i think it's hard to know if he's really Grown or if it's just a case of 'these people are the exception'#and we can't really know until we actually see him interact with other minorities#but that's just my opinion#also i know we're all tired of this discourse and i'm sorry to bring it back but every day i've opened this app and saw something about it#and closed it right up lmao#i just needed to get this off my chest once and for all#i'll go back to never getting involved in fandom discourse again#anyhoo#i'll probably delete this at some point knowing myself
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#vent#wow I will never be able to let myself have friends huh#I am unwanted and inherently unwantable#I have it all figured out I just can't DO anything right. why is breaking silence the hardest thing to do#I can't bring myself to make/maintain/deepen friendships bc I'm convinced that I'm unpleasant to be around and unpleasant to be friends with#my company is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy#<- completely unjustified belief. I am kind and friendly and capable of responding appropriately in the majority of social situations#they reach out and I shrink back every time. no matter how much they reach towards me I can't believe that they actually want me around#and ofc the reasonable thing for them to do is stop reaching! when I never reach back! why would they expect a different outcome this time#so I can't blame anyone. I can't sit around waiting for a saintly mindreader who can see that my actions contradict my feelings#I know I just need to reach out. but how could I do that when I'm convinced it'll only hurt them?#my presence makes their day worse. I'm a mangy dog begging for scraps I don't deserve at their table. I am harming them with my presence#how can I beg for their attention and company and time when I know their life would be better without me in it#<- false belief. when I reach out I make them feel wanted and they feel more comfortable reaching out to me when they know I like them.#everyone appreciates being reached out to. I am pleasant to be around. they like being liked by me. my company is a desirable thing#company in general is a desirable thing. my company is better than no company. people like being liked.#logically I know all this to be true. emotionally? they hate me and I deserve it and the more I show I like them the more they'll hate me#sigh. what a banal problem to have. I'll stop being 18 years old one day. I can't wait until I have better things to worry about#replies appreciated. btw. in the interest of asking for what I want instead of expecting ppl to read my mind lmao#narcissus's echoes
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Issues I've had with MFMM S3 in the most recent rewatch, or: an incomplete and incoherent rambling about some of the things that really annoyed me about it
I've recently finished rewatching miss fisher's murder mysteries for some 5th-10th time since I originally saw it years and years ago on FOX Crime or wherever and it's been a completely different experiences to previous rewatches. I have to assume because I grew up quite a lot so things that used to rub me the wrong way until I was raw no longer hold the same sway over me, but I found scenes previously unbearable perfectly fine to watch (annoying, but nothing especially enraging), and characters that I despised merely unlikable. In short, it was as immensely entertaining as before without certain hindrances, and the main attractions (jack and phryne's relationship, the found family, amazing acting and fun mysteries) were no less attractive.
However, I also developed an issue with the third season. Prior to rewatching the show (while I was still trying to convince myself i totally wouldn't go back in the 30+ hrs runtime trenches), I rewatched an analysis I'd seen years ago (possibly around my previous rewatch, knowing covid time) made by a creator whose work I like, and she dedicated a section of the video to some of the things that bothered her about the last season. I was a bit confused, to be perfectly honest, because I didn't remember being at all bothered with it the last time I watched it, and certainly not with the things she mentioned (and more importantly, I had no issues with the writing).
And then, uh, I got to the third season on the rewatch. And at first I was like, ok, this is perfectly fine. A little bit odd in certain moments, but not all that bad. And then the problems kept piling and piling through the seasons, and I kept pacing and pacing and noticing more and more things about it that bothered me.
The main problem, and I imagine the reason my then-self didn't really notice anything (apart from my all-encompassing rage at hugh collins that blinded me to anything else), is that the character writing isn't outright Bad. Like, it's not the kind of bad where you throw your TV out the window because how dare they do that to your blorbos, but it is the kind of bad that festers in your show loving heart until it forms 'It's plausible that they might do that kind of... I guess?' It's the kind of bad that takes a bit of thinking to figure out why your brow furrowed in this or that scene until it smoothed out.
So let's talk about that scene in s3e1 where jack does his 'i'm not part of the parade' monologue, the thing that bothered the analyst but that I distinctly remembered being silly and entertaining. I mean, he gets drunk and goes on a tirade over a misunderstanding while phryne stands there baffled, unsure whether she should laugh or not. This is where the 'i guess?' starts, because like, absolutely, it's not the first time in the show he's been jealous, nor the first time he's been incredulous or eye-rolly when he finds out phryne's had a dalliance with this or that man. It's plausible that all those sentiments would come out the way they did with alcohol involved and after being stood up twice, first for what was possibly supposed to be their first foray into more serious territory, and then again that night. It's not a scene that paints him in a favourable light, but that's not in and of itself an issue, he's got his faults and that's one of the things that make him interesting to watch. But arriving on the heels of the caustic remarks and biting sarcasm and refusing to listen to phryne at all to the point that she got borderline upset hours before, it felt less silly and in character and more like a nail hammered one time too many.
It set a trend too for the rest of the season, and not a nice one. All those jealousy scenes created two situations- the first, where phryne would respond indignantly and in character to how she'd been in previous seasons, on the rare occasion he'd actively made a remark (was it even more than once? i can't remember); and the second, where phryne would run after him, explaining that 'it wasn't like that', like she was cheating on him. The second option was especially hard to watch because their reactions genuinely read like she'd done something wrong when that wasn't the case at all, and like the analyst said the narrative went so far as to shame her with that moment at the air base fence (for the first time in the show! previously jack's reactions had been light-hearted and phryne had responded in kind, usually saying something witty or teasing him; the second they became that of the betrayed partner, it got a sour note).
For the sake of adding drama and an unnecessary explanation as to why they haven't railed each other yet, the show killed the wonderful dynamic they'd rocked thus far, that of very close friends who are attracted to each other and probably in love but who haven't quite decided what to do about it yet.
It was like the show lost all faith in it's audience to imagine the reasons behind their reluctance, to understand their characters, to believe this truly outrageous (/s) situation of two friends in love who don't get together (yet). Like it's not a tale as old as time for people to be afraid romantic involvement with their friends might ruin that friendship, and choosing not to take the risk. Like we don't know that phryne has never had a serious relationship, and that jack has never had anything but; that her dalliances with other men are all about sating her curiosity about different people's lives and minds and pleasure, that she firmly embodies the rich aristocrat and keeps the little collingwood girl firmly on the other side of the door; that he stayed in a failed marriage for ten years because he's always serious about the people he loves, that he nearly married concetta because he cared about her and didn't want her to be married off again to somebody cruel.
And speaking of lack of faith, did they think we needed to be reminded every five minutes in various clear-cut and glaringly obvious ways that they love each other? Like we know! We're watching the show! We don't need guido and concetta and the greek chorus to slap the note in our face. This isn't a children cartoon and they didn't suddenly fall in love in s3e1 for the entire cast to lay on the horns, we've been watching them fall in love through every touch and look. Honestly, there was more subtlety in sanderson's 'you do indeed keep close company these days' than the entire italian episode.
The entire thing felt like they were insinuating that the second phryne and jack try for something serious the entire thing falls apart, and they go from dear friends to a reddit post. Despite all their surface differences, the reason they're in love is their deep-seated belief in truth and justice, and the reason they're as close as they are is that they don't keep things from each other and they communicate. I don't think it's in character, or even worse, I feel like it's a very sad choice of character path for them to lose their whimsy and trust the second they delve into the romantic, like it's a whole different thing and not just a different lens through which to experience the intimacy they already share. I would've much preferred that they'd either continued their whimsical friendship until the last episode, or even that they'd gone down the vulnerable road of talking more about their respective issues; frankly, i would've settled for a long term friendship over the mess that they ended up creating (I'm queer, I can sustain myself on subtext).
That area of jack writing aside, what the hell did they do to my boy's murder solving skills? I swear, there were at least a couple episodes where he didn't contribute anything to the investigation, or he did so little it was imperceptible.
In s2e9 (the cinema one, i think that was the number) I distinctly remember phryne laying out what she thought happened (at the very beginning when they found the body) and jack staying silent and giving her a besotted look, and afterwards hugh saying it matched what jack had surmised earlier. This was amazingly done, because it very economically established 1. that jack had already done the clever bit 2. that they agreed fully so there was no need for their usual back and forth, and most importantly after their huge, sad rift had just been surmounted, 3. that he was incredibly happy to be working with her again because he loves listening to the cogs turning in her head and watching her be clever.
There was none of that attention to detail in those s3 episodes, he was just... not involved. Phryne would lay everything out and then they'd leave, and that was it. It felt wild to witness because in different scenes he acted as he always did, like their dynamic was the same as always. I didn't get the impression that he was having a bad day, or not in the mood, because in writing those things need to have some significance or note, and here it was just there. Not noticed, not significant, not anything; fully like they'd forgotten that they put him in the shot and thus gave him no lines.
I really can't explain how much it irked me because the main appeal of the show isn't the murder investigations, as fun and clever as they are, it's the relationships between characters. The point of the narrative shouldn't be solving the crime, it should be all the things that happen while it's being solved.
In short- how dare they rob me of the sparks of phryne and jack exchanging theories and opinions?! That's what I'm here for! The sexual tension isn't just the looks and touches, it's what preceded them and keeps them so fresh and electric- it's them standing over a body or in the morgue or in her parlour and being clever at each other and with each other, the push of sharing an opinion and the pull of daring the other person to catch up with you by giving them only the raw information, the resonance of interacting with someone who's on even footing with you.
It's like 3 am and I've tired myself out so I'll stop here. Obvious disclaimer for anyone who might see this is that this is based on my impression of the show and i won't go back to watch just the bad parts solely to write a coherent, sourced analysis (aka I'm going off the things that left an impact on me, they might not be given the most screentime or note), and that this is still a favourite show and not meant to be an indictment of the whole thing (I only get so annoyed bcs i like it otherwise).
#mfmm#miss fisher's murder mysteries#jack robinson#phryne fisher#mfmm critical#i legitimately nearly went back to edit LMAO#if sb is reading this at all it'll hardly matter to them whether sentences make sense#i just got upset and realized that i wouldnt get the full satisfaction in a discord rant so i moved here instead#also dont think i need to make this disclaimer but just in case#this is an acab household- the show has numerous issues in several departments- etc etc#we watch things critically here but also i am trash for characters with chemistry in slow burns#i do want to write coherent analyses so bad bcs i legit have a lot of thoughts#but i always get tired rly quickly and forget all i wanted to say#so rants it is instead#like i said i wont go to rewatch bad parts bcs it doesnt bring me joy#but i do hope one day to make posts for each episode with things in it i love and all the little details acknowledged that i can#bcs its a very dear piece of media to me#oh man and i need to. you wont believe this but i need to do my nd hc post#every. every time. every time i rewatch smt its that dynamic#oh u liked a piece of media? autism mf#dan talks
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Question for you about baby Jack: do you think the same people that flatten Jack tend to also woobify Cas to the point of comical gentleness and stereotypical femininity? I was thinking about the implications for both autistic characters having their violence and harsh parts cut away to make them more palatable/adorable.
YES OH MY FUCKING GOD THANK YOU FOR MENTIONING IT.
It was definitely way worse around like S6-7 with Crazy!Cas than it is now, especially as a product of the show’s airing time and how queer men (ie Dean and Cas) were generally viewed during then; if you’ve been on the 2010’s internet you might remember all those mlm ship dynamics that were really just repackages of traditional marriage and gender roles: Alpha/Beta, Top/Bottom, Dom/Sub, etc.
/ Full disclosure that I was *not in these online circles during the 2010’s and I’m not any sort of gender studies expert, so anyone’s free to correct me if I get stuff wrong lol. /
But from what I’ve seen and what I know, Alphas, Tops, and Doms are typically very stereotypically masculine, carrying all the stereotypical traits like aggression and emotional unavailability, and filling in stereo-traditionally masculine roles like being protectors or providers. Vice versa, Betas/Bottoms/Subs were usually the extremely effeminate other half; they were more emotionally sensitive and weak, needed to be protected, and for the most part portrayed as looking physically androgynous or “soft.” Ergo, you have basically affixed these queer men to acting as The Man and The Woman, even though it’s two men.
Like I said, it’s definitely gone away for the most part, especially with the rise in actual gender studies and how gender expression is viewed, especially for men. I’ll still see it in some Destiel art here and there where Dean is this big gruff strong pants-wearer saving a blushing baby-faced dress-clad Cas, (cough wheeze diminuel but you didn’t hear that from me) but thankfully it isn’t thee most prevalent content made for Cas the way baby!jack is thee most prevalent content made for Jack, and there have been plenty of people over the years to come forward and correctly establish Cas as a way more dominant and capable guy than the ao3 fics would have you believe.
Same goes for Dean! He’s set up to be The Man, he likes violence and steak and guns and sleazy dive bar sex, but he’s a very emotionally sensitive man and has his own dips into femininity (Rhonda Hurley, cooking/baking, being Sam’s ‘mother,’ etc.) I’m actually of the opinion that SPN has some of the queerest masculinity ever , and again I’m not a gender studies student or expert by a long shot, but I do think there’s something to be said about how a show that is sort of built on a reversal and deconstruction of the nuclear family (ie Mary being a hunter and John being a normal man, Dean being Sam’s mother in their childhood) is so constantly regurgitated into those very roles by the fandom:
Sam is the “mom” of Jack’s 3 dads, Cas is the sensitive effeminate bean who needs big strong brawny man Dean to protect him, etc., and with Jack’s confirmation as non-binary so many ppl took to drawing them in mostly feminine fashion (which to me speaks a lot to how queer masculinity is treated but that’s for another post I think).
There’s also a lot to be said about how important mothers and motherhood are to SPN. Mary Winchester, Kelly Kline, Lily Sunder, Rowena Macleod, Jody Mills, Amelia Novak, I’m sure I could go on. Sam and Dean follow in the footsteps of their mother’s family as hunters. Castiel bonds with Jack through Kelly, and Jack takes after Kelly more than he does Lucifer (his grandma even points out that he sort of looks like her). I’m absolutely not saying SPN is this ultra feminist show, but when it tries it tries, and what it lays down is very much worth picking up.
you’ll have to forgive me for centering Jack on a Cas ask but I promise it’s not for nothing. like, the whole “twist” to Jack’s character isn’t just that he’s good or sweet; it’s also that he’s much more like his mother. Not only does he look like her, but he’s also very emotional; he’s sensitive, he’s intuitive, he’s deeply empathetic. and where most teen boys wanna be like their old man, he wants to be more like Kelly; even keeping her name as his own. of course he presents fairly masculinely, as do the other guys (unless we’re counting kitchen aprons as a feminine thing, which I only would with a grain of salt), but so much of his character is faceted in being like Kelly; being like his mother, being like a woman, and within the show’s framework that’s a celebrated thing!
I feel like I’m getting away from the original question so here’s some last thoughts to send out the door with you:
> Sam and Dean’s connection and relationship to Mary is also celebrated within the show, arguably more so than their relationship with John
> the importance of mothers in spn is somewhat highlighted by their absences (Sam and Dean, Claire)
TLDR: supernatural accidentally smashed the nuclear gender family and made their men queer and fandom culture/patriarchal norms doesn’t understand it because masculinity isn’t seen as inherently queer the way femininity/androgyny is
#I might actually take up gender studies eventually now it is pretty interesting#not like in college or anything lol . well maybe .#idk lolz#holdthypeace.txt#bringing back that one tag from another post :#every day the gender binary is reinvented and perpetuated and every day I want to rip my skin off to escape it#spn#supernatural#tfw2.0#jack kline#sam winchester#dean winchester#castiel#destiel#mlm ships#gender stuff#spn study#does this make sense am I insane#also I don’t know if this is necessary but I’ll say it anyways#1) I am not a terf and I don’t ever hope for this argument to be caught on with them#2) im non-binary and I love Jack for being non-binary and my little side note ab the way he’s drawn is not a statement against that ;#; it’s a statement against how masculinity isn’t seen as queer unless it’s in proximity to femininity or androgyny#usually. I know bears are having a grand old time tho 🙌🙌
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Internet archive I love you❤️❤️❤️
#my 14 year old self is crying tears of joy rn#I was able to recover videos of a yt channel that I used to follow as a teen but was closed by the owner from one day to the other#for *years* I thought I'd never see them again (aside very few scattered reuploads)#granted my interests changed and I was occupied with other things#but every once in a while I was wishing I could just watch at least my nr 1 favourite video of them just one more time#but NOW I found out that someone salvaged basically the entire channel and just - put the videos up for downloading?!#it feels so unreal because after all this time I can just watch them again? as often as I want?! and they're mine to keep forever?!! ahhhh#I'm getting unreasonably emotional over this but that channel genuinely meant a lot to me at the time#I still remember that I was on the school bus home when I discovered it was gone#and I swear if I hadn't been in a public setting I'd legit have cried over it. it certainly ruined an otherwise really nice day for me#granted my 14y/o self probably had a bit of a dumb sense of humour (harmless. but dumb. what do you expect from a 14y/o?)#(hence I'm also hesitant to mention the channel name bc I'm not sure if I'm ready to potentially embarrass myself)#but I still feel an odd fondness looking back because I know how much those videos meant to her <3#especially my one favourite video which 1. was the sole reason I discovered one of my favourite tv shows ever#and 2. was probably the spark that really ignited my initial interest in animation and digital arts#bc for the first time I consciously realised that you can actually do cool and fun stuff even as just one single person#and that you don't need an entire animation team to just - express yourself creatively and bring your ideas to life#like I'm not even joking when I say if it wasn't for that channel I might have ended up in an entirely different education/career path#anyway I'm happy. but I'll stop now. oh gods I'm abusing the tags again instead of just writing all that *into* the actual post#internet archive#personal#selnia talks
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there are things that you don't do for a year or more and pick up just right where you left off and these days i fear loving you might be one of them
#double meaning on that but. yeah.#it's like. i haven't touched the imaging software i use for an entire year. soldering iron in decades. pick it right back up. to my surpris#muscle memory is crazy#i don't draw for months and pick up right where i was with a few sketches bc the work you put in stays even when you don't actively practic#when it's something you've practiced weekly and daily it sticks with you and ig that's good#but then it's like. the horrors. that haunt you. yk? what if a part of me will always save a soft spot for my ex. what then.#what if I'm fine now and I'm doing okay and i don't miss it and I think i'm okay moving forward and i see her and suddenly I'm on the floor#what if some part of me that was in love never really went away what if i haven't managed to kill all of it yet#bc i genuinely would not know what to do. i. i don't want to admit it but one of my worst fears is liking someone who doesn't like you back#and what's even more horrifying is if it's obvious. if everyone can tell. and usually I'm good at hiding it! (not really) but it's just. id#it's shame in liking someone who you tell yourself you don't want to like and you know you shouldn't. and not having control over it.#hoping praying that either she does something that turns the little switch in my head that sends her into the unforgivable category#or that i become straight. or that i become straight. mhm. yep. or ig the other option is i get a crush on someone new but like. mm.#i kinda have gotten w every person I've had a crush on since hs and i kinda don't think im ready for another rs so soon.#the baggage i just got is. hm. idk i kinda don't wanna unpack it. it's something that can easily be done if i had the missing pieces but.#i don't think I'm ever gonna get them. so. instead I'm gonna take. maybe another 3 months or 5 months or a year or a few. to just. slowly.#idek. it's just triggering old things. bringing me back to when i was 14. i never really got closure from that either. it took me 3 years.#I'm sure this time it'll go away faster but idk experiencing it a second time has a different feel to it. idk. it's weird.#it's like. idk. it's like you're watching it happen and you're not even there anymore. idk. i really don't know.#oh. I've been dissociating.#idk maybe it's for the best i really don't know i really don't know and everyone says i have to do what's best for myself but idk what is#my life is on track things are moving forward I'm doing better and healing but i can't escape the feeling of dread#something is going to catch up with me sooner or later and idk what it is idk at what intensity and idk if i will be ready for it#but anyway. when you love someone intentionally every day for a while. when does it go away? will it go away?#or will i have to live haunted by ppl who are alive but changed. so practically dead w/o the opportunity to mourn. for the rest of my life?#like i don't think i get it. loving this person was like. cooking and eating. intentional. ingrained into everyday life. effortful.#what if my mind does forget but my body still remembers. what then. what if it's like searching for sth you don't remember having anymore#ig I'm just trying to figure out how much to forget these days. how much won't hurt if it all comes back to haunt me#delete later
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