#even when its scary its much easier
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i forget to take my meds for a couple days and then im confused why being asleep is so much better than being awake
#in dream world i do not get physically tired. and i can have whatever i want#even when its scary its much easier#this time i was chilchuck and people were trying to poison me#oh and a guy came up to a window of my house and was throwing like throwing knives at the roof and yelling at me#i didnt hear anything he was saying but i took a video of him he was right up there#also at one point we were in a high rise building and i looked out and there were blankets of clouds above and below us and the other buildi#buildings looked like tornadoes and i was like holy fuck theres like 20 tornadoes out here#i say things#i should keeping writing down my dreams
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the good news: the one (1) driving school where i live seems to be really good
the bad news: they aren't open on weekends
#SCARY to say.... but i think i want to learn how to drive. maybe even sometime soon. but scary#on the one hand i can comfort myself with the fact that people dumber than me have gotten their license#but on the other hand thats not very comforting when i think of putting myself on the same road as them#its like do i want to be driving on the same roads as people i went to high school with?? dangerous! but anyway#not to mention that where i live its a strictly we dont use our turn signals and we floor it for yellow lights zone#ah well.#all this from the person that wants to move to california as if driving there would be so much easier (no)#i was on the dreaded 101 once i do not ever want to drive that in my life. california people youre so brave
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is it just me or do other people have weird stress/negative emotion scapegoats?
#like. if im upset over something thats hard to process without fail i will also be upset over one specific thing#completely unrelated its just so much easier to be upset over that than it is to be upset over whats going on rn#like. oh shits rough and i have tons of shit to do and everything scary? damnnnn that sucks lets get upset over something that happened#2 years ago instead#like. i do not careeeee can we stop thinking abt this already come onnnnnnn lets focus on whats going on right now#but like. its always the same thing. even tho when im not stressed its something i do not care about and generally dont think about#but the second im stressed hey lets pretend this is the most pressing issue instead
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im having a fibrocsystic flare up and cramping and depressed cause therapy days are always bad and i had another revelation that something i thought was just silly that happened to me as a kid was actually abuse and i wanna scream and cry and throw up WHEN DOES IT GET EASIER
#let me fuck that old man for my mental health pls im gonna have a breakdown#anyways the ''when does it get easier'' is a rhetorical question i know the answer is when i stop having to deal with violent people daily#but that day is not going to be soon or maybe not even ever so#idk just shoot me lads im tired i wanna go to bed ive slept like shit for the past week#maybe ill log of and just read a book for a bit instead of doomscrolling#i hope yall are having a good day#anyways can we talk about how much doctors and just people in general downplay fibrocystic breast disease?#like i genuinely thought i had breast cancer before i was diagnosed its painful and scary
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Here's actually the first doodle I did of all May, June, and Jake when I was first making them over a year ago. It is still completely accurate
#my ocs#im not tagging this as my art this is barely art#parker didnt even exist then </3 parkers literally like 2 weeks old yet shes having me rewrite like a solid 50% of my OC lore#Anyways in my insane long rambling i DID gloss over the ways in which June and May's dynamic changes but I prommy its actually a core theme#and a central aspect of the plot. and by 'central aspect' i mean 'its practically the focus' but theres soooo much going on that CAUSES-#-all of the oddities in their dynamic that its easier to just. focus on that when im describing it all at once lol#essentially their dynamic has to go from two very close sisters to now a guardian and a child and its just scary and uncomfortable for them#esp when you add Penny to the equation bc Penny basically INSTANTLY gets added into the dynamic#its a lot i have so many thoughts forever#the squits
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need Guz to hug me tightly for like an hour solid oh my god dhdjdkl I went driving for the first time in over a year and I chewed my lip raw 😭😭
I'm starting to look like a caricature of Anxiety with all these physical symptoms and signs LMAO
#this is so ridiculous fhfjdkdl#i do not like driving fjdkdl i know i should not be on the roads#but unfortunately i have to bc i live rural and also my parents insist i ''just need more practice''#practice is not going to fix the dissociation 😭😭 practice will not fix the Other Drivers being shitty and scary and reckless fjfkdl#it might make it slightly easier bc i wont have to think as hard about shoulder and mirror checks and roadsigns and speed limits#and where i am located on the road and intersection rules and whatnot#but like... it does not fix that i live in a town (and world lol) where ppl are fucking bonkers on the road#i had someone riding my ass for like a full five minutes. we had only two feet btwn us. MAYBE. IF THAT MUCH.#he was BIG mad that i was going the speed limit#and THERES A POLICE STATION LIKE RIGHT NEAR THAT AREA MY GUY IM NOT GONNA GO OVER THE SPEED LIMIT RIGHT THERE LMAO ????#also im a rule follower usually so i do tend to go Exactly the speed limit fjfkdl#and maaannn that makes people SO fucking angry dhfjdl its impossible to drive Anywhere without having someone right on ur bumper#its so ridiculous like... that's not helping anyone ??? ur not getting to ur destination faster by riding up on somebodys ass ???? hewwo ???#ANYWAYS. i drove around the neighborhood and then went up the highway and thru some intersections and then into the main core of town#and then i got my dad to take over from there bc it was lunch hour and the core of town is a lawless land at the best of times#MY NERVES ARE FRIED. i need Guz to act as a weighted blanket or one of those pressure therapy vests for me LOL#im like... shaking fhdjsl that was far more than i thought we were going to do for driving today good lord#IM OKAY THOUGH I SURVIVED I DIDNT EVEN HIT A CURB OR ANYTHING#i think I've only hit a curb once so far in all my times driving and that was on my second time driving on a road i think#so pretty good track record... im a very careful driver fjdkdl i work so hard to be safe and drive smoothly#during my driving test the only thing the test guy had to critique was that i waited at an intersection when i could've gone#but the reason i waited was bc i wasnt sure i could make it across the traffic lane before the oncoming vehicle got to us#so it was like. a safe decision overall but a little too hesitant which can actually be unsafe fjdkdl#AUGH ANYWAYS SORRY FOR RAMBLING SM#driving stresses me out so bad and my lip is all raw now and i have so many physical stress symptoms the past few days fhfjdl#after tonight i should be able to calm down a bit hopefully fhfkdl theres a thing we're going to tonight thats been stressing me out so bad#but after tonight it'll be over and hopefully I can get myself settled down again fjfjdkl#dandy.cmd#vent //
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growing up as a child with severe hallucinations was wild.. the whole time you're becoming a person and adjusting to reality and learning how the world works but you're thrown a secret curveball that no one else knows about or can warn you about because no one else can see it happening. and should you express any signs of genuine distress or confusion over something imaginary, it's called "over active imagination" or "imaginary friends" and its all cute to adults until theyre losing sleep at night because the kid is too scared to sleep alone- but even sleeping between mom and dad still doesnt feel safe because every night feels like a horror movie where only you can see the monsters that want you dead. but its not real! and you have to listen to mom and dad when they say that! but they dont get it! no one ever gets it! it doesnt go away when you close your eyes! the visions get horrific and grotesque even by adult standards but no one listens! just go back to bed it was just a nightmare :) but the truth was you never fall asleep first.
#and its even worse like. expressing these things as an older child too#having adults be like 'oh i believe you!' and you feel relief finally#only to have that adult say 'youre being haunted by spirits!'#like you have no idea how damaging that was to hear as a young schizophrenic#i genuinely believed i was haunted. i genuinely believed evil spirits wanted to kill me via dreams#i fully believed that was real and possible and happening!#im lucky ive grounded myself as an adult but i still struggle with#the most random delusions. hallucinations of voices and sometimes figures#im lucky i can tell when its real and when its not. when it cant be.#but for how long? how long do i have before i cant help but believe its real?#and i know in this post im mostly talking about the night terror aspect#but it gets so frustrating when people just reduce it down to just that too#like these didnt only exist at night- thats just when it was scary#broad daylight with a clear head its easier to be like- oh that just isnt scary#and as i'd get older i had to train myself to just not react and ignore things that genuinely scared me#i think thats why i liked horror movies so much as a kid.#dont even bother me the type shit i got goin on.#probably didnt help tho..
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I think it's interesting how it took me finding someone I'm fully comfortable around to notice what I'm not comfortable with. It makes sense when I think about it because no one else ever let me have boundaries so I thought I just didn't have them. But now I know I don't really like being touched, even when I'm close with someone. I don't like being tickled or being held in certain ways and I don't usually like to be naked or get dressed/undressed in front of anyone. And I finally feel like no one's demanding me to act like I'm comfortable with things I'm not anymore. It's really nice, I hope everyone gets to feel like this someday
#im glad i figured this out because i can see when i look back at my younger self where i was headed before#and it was a place where i demanded of others the same things that were demanded of me because i had no awareness of it#i still have problems with setting my own boundaries but understanding others is a lot easier now#im glad i still for the most part respected other peoples boundaries when i was younger. even if i pushed harder than i should have#its especially a problem when i go to doctors but theres not much i can do :(#i can say no to testing or treatment that makes me uncomfortable but i need it#i kinda just freeze up at the doctors and its actually really scary. it feels almost like im hypnotized or just extremely impressionable#idk how to explain it because i don't know why it happens. its just confusing and feels gross and scary#thats one of the reasons i really dont like going to the doctors alone
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im taking the fact that this lets player didnt see a single dog in daniils campaign but immediately saw them in both clara and artemys campaigns to be the definite proof that daniil is a cat person. also obsessed with the fact that his icon in patho 2 is this little kitty
#i had forgotten abt it so thats why im mentioning it hjddjdjdkdkd#hhhhhh when i next play i have to immediately go to the house of death. i love that part but its so much pressure#i think im mostly in a better state than when i first played. i have the pistol now and i got 4 shmowders before the plague even started#but idk how ill make it until i get the food from the town hall hjddjdkd#also yeah i have the gun but i dont know if i can use it anymore or if itll break after just one more shot ⚰️#omg i forgot how scary the bandits are also. even tho i can now kill them easier i just hope i dont even run into them LMAO
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hopping around different blogs is fun.
a post on blog 1: i find it a little weird that -- don't get me wrong, the barbie movie looks great with all the doll-like details, i bet the actors had great fun and i'd like to see it myself, but -- people are getting excited about marketing of this movie. they're acting as though mattel's 3985* deals with 837* different companies are something new, exciting and creative instead of... 3985 deals with 837 companies spanning many different areas! this movie is a commercial for a doll! isn't this kinda weird?
*numbers made up
a post on blog 2: i don't think any sane adult doesn't realize that this is a toy commercial! it's rather obvious.
a post on blog 3: boo hoo 'the barbie movie is capitalist propaganda' i don't give a SHIT marx won't fuck you. did you do this for transformers too? do you think only stupid girls who like pink need the reminder?
like, oooooh! things are happening!
#shrimp thoughts#earlier today i got into a bit of an essay reading spree (as much as my brain allowed me lol)#and it got me thinking about like... associating oneself with products/aesthetics/companies as a way of self-creation#this is me. i love [fashion brand] you won't catch me without my k*nken and here is my room in which you can see posters of [movies]#it's very... human to get excited about things and feel it more the more others get excited because. community building#at the same time i've noticed it myself that it's so much easier to label yourself a [thing] girl than to like... Look Into Yourself#who am i? what defines me? these questions are difficult because how do i know that? with what means do i obtain this knowledge?#should i create myself as i want or should i observe myself with the eyes of others instead? ...let me just say i like plants and overalls#and i feel like when someone says something you perceive as a critique of the identity slash community you associate yourself with#it's... hurtful? but at the same time. hm. i don't know actually#like chances are these posts are talking about completely different things and not vaguing each other or even similar posts#maybe posts that blog 3 vagues really were obnoxiously condescending! who knows! that being said DESPITE being a small-brained#shrimp who would honestly love to win soooo many moneys and just do whatever i want all day instead of being an Independant and Competent#Expert In My Field (this sounds scary and stressing). i still would like to avoid falling into the 'just let me ENJOY things and don't try#to make me hate femininity because it's not working! pink and shopping can be empowering' hole.#idk!! i listen to k/pop and am part magpie. i can't quite pose myself as like anti-capitalist intellectual#but i do want to achieve at least a small brain! someday!! and boy do i hope my brain energy days don't end before the books arrive;;#2am thoughts. wonder if my mother goes to sleep earlier than at 4am today because its getting annoying
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the thing about me is i adore rotoscoped animation with all my heart
#last night i booted up hotel dusk and like#i havent played more than 2 minutes of it but i havent stopped thinking about the visuals since#i think it might be the most beautiful and visually striking ds game ive ever seen#of course thats an example of well done rotoscoping with stylization#stylization (like don bluth movies) helps remove a lot of the uncanny valley factor from a lot of rotoscoped animation#BUT . i also like bad crunchy rotoscoping#i love all rotoscoping jsfdkJKFLD#all those crunchy barely painted over rotoscoped movies from the 70s#LOVE that shit#also im gonna be honest. flowers of evil is a weird enough manga that i think the scary rotoscoping of the anime kinda works#but dear god i love rotoscoping i think everyone should do it forever all the time. TRACE over reference footage PLEASE im begging#its controversial because of some of the crunchier uses and some people foolishly think its lazy#its just a tool tho and it can be used well or poorly. and to be honest even when its done poorly i think its good#listen. anything to make animation easier or faster or aide in any way is good in my book#sorry rotoscoping rant over. i love it so much#anyway hotel dusks beautiful rotoscoping is making me want to try animation again LOL
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whenever i talk about any more difficult symptoms all my therapist does is ask me leading questions and then tell me that i need to figure out how to trust myself. literallt so unhelpful im not even close to trusting myself lol.
#i feel so lost#there is so much arguing that goes on inside my head#and irs so hard to separate tbe fact based anaylisis of my thoughts and memories#from whatever the rest is#and it just results in more confusion than i started out with#i always automatically believe that im wrong about every feeling in my body and every memory i have#and the battle just to get to this point where i can even attempt to think criticallt about that has been immense#thats why i so often yearn for the release of not being aware of my actipns or motiviatipns#even when thats extremely scary its easier and calmer and smoother than this
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so, this blew up on twitter (currently at 15k+ notes and still going ..) which completely blindsided me and now i cant draw again as if i was burnt out right away AGAIN and its rly annoying :I
also on twitter one person called me the r slur on it though and i just blocked them without understanding why they said that .. until i got another one earlier today that said "fuck off with your pronouns and just go make political art" and i realized oh ... people getting mad at pronouns are real after all, its such a non problem to me i didnt see how there was anything offensives about this until that second one spelled it out xD
Empress and her Bodyguard.
(OCs, grey haired lady Zaphira she/her, demon Shargon he/they)
(also some details up close)
and this guy bc i find him funny
#ganondoodles#art#also weirdly enough its doing better on bluesky than on tumblr#like the share to like ratio is much healthier over there for some reason#despite me having only barely 600 followers when i posted it there#(on twitter im at 22k+ and here its 10k+ but most are dead accounts i guess- its so weird to have tumblr be “worst” one)#(bc i have been here far longer than even twitter and feel much more attached to it and the people here)#i wonder if that art block feeling is bc i feel like i should draw more ocs stuff immediately but for others and not for me#idk if that can be the whole reason though#anyway idk what to do now#im so used to oc stuff not getting much attention so it was easier to do it on the side while fandom stuff was the main thing in a way?#and now idk ....................#im also afraid to disappoint people that thought my oc stuff is way cooler based on this art than it actually is#like Shargon isnt a scary demon that eats people#hes an anxiety riddled weakling rejected by other demons and only seems to imposing to humans bc they dont know any other demons#bc they prefer to stay in their world .... except him bc they reject and abuse him..#i have more oc lore and story than i have for the zelda comic but how would i even begin to explain any#id have to draw it all and i cant ..... do that ..... as much as i wish i could im just too slow and low on energy at all times#(the guilt of all the messages i havent answered ... ough .... im sorry)
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teehee
#im making a pvz fangame too you know that?#you being whoever's reading these for some reason#its so so so so much work and i havent touched it in months#i love making it and i hate it#kevin perjurer quote#i need to write dialogue for marin to say to link on the beach#i went to do this in september and thought to myself#ill know what to write after i have my 2 year anniversary with my partner#i dont know what to write#i felt even on that night as though i was dreaming even when im awake#i dont think im disassociating because that sounds scary and denial + making more art sounds easier#i need to write until i cant think of anything else to say#so i can go to sleep#if anyone i know is reading this#what's up#ive been thinking about panic's sectonia resurrection au#probably gonna make a song about jt#dont tell her#maybe even two#'miracle' would be cutscene style about joronia being alive and taranza being in disbelief#and 'au' would be based on toby fox's lost girl and be a heart to heart about how they both feel distant from each other#that means i need to make it tomorrow#i think i want 'ship' to be about ado and ribbon#and i want 'duel/rival' to be a boss theme for bandee#don't tell anyone#im really excited to see how people react to that kne#jm probably close to 30 tags so ill go now i think#never really vent posted before so its great that i get to immortalize my stupid thoughts on the internet forever#if you want to play survival minecraft with me dm me#okay bye
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kind of very personal reflection in the tags about health and fear of death i guess
#really sucks when someone keeps going with unhealthy behaviors#and when the body suddenly breaks or suddenly gives extremely alarming signs it might already be too late to act#because 'but i was fine before'#one of the top reasons why i have done my best despite stress and arguing and everything going on to keep moving#keep hiking keep walking more than an hour a day keep eating even if i don't like it#managing stress and prioritizing myself some extents more#yeah i was 'fine' before. but i wasn't realizing i was slowly starting to kill myself. a young body won't tell you shit. it will compensate#until it suddenly can't anymore#just saw a video of a content creator i follow who suddenly got scared of their body giving up on them#and is now changing their lifestyle. which is great. but it's sad for me to see#because the body keeps score and catches up. it eventually does. and it's scary when it happens. and i wish i acted more for myself#anyway. i hope people look after themselves as much as they can and can afford#human body can snap its fingers and suddenly there's a huge problem that needs fixing. and it can be preventable#it can be easier. i don't want to fall ill because i push myself to extents my body can't follow. and i don't want people close to me to#risk the same. maybe it's selfish to want. but it's a bit of a reflection i've had buzzing in my head quite a while#and this video made me think actively on it again#i don't know when's the last time i'll see my aunt. she's 70 and morbidly obese and can barely walk. she needs medications and she can't#raise herself from her bed. i just don't want more family to go down that road. i want everyone to be ok and know that some things can be#easily prevented and looked after. yeah
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The sheer amount of information that simply just isn't told to young adults because their parents have known it for years and didn't consider it immediately important is like. Nauseating. Is anyone gonna tell teenagers that employment taxes are filed to prevent your employer from stealing the money they tax from your paycheck, and that they're not just a collective headache the government is forcing on us for no reason? Also is anyone gonna tell them that banks will pay you money over time just for having a bank account open. Is anyone gonna tell them when they're learning to drive that it's actually okay to take a right turn on a red light after coming to a full stop? Is ANYONE gonna tell them that employers want to hear them advertise the fuck out of themselves during interviews and that being incredibly annoying trying to get employed somewhere is actually seen as taking initiative and showing you really want the position. Is anyone going to tell them how to mail a letter
#there's just a lot of things i feel aren't explained in enough detail#bc folks have known about it for so long that they dont consider it may not be basic widespread information#i know so many fucking neurodivergent kids that dont have fucking SHIT explained to them by their parents#or even if they do have good‚ informed parents‚ vital information is completely left out#so they build up this incredible fear in their minds that they'll never be able to grow up because they dont know how to adult#when it's so much fucking easier than they were ever lead to believe#its not scary to write a resume i promise. if something on the template doesn't apply you keep it blank baby.#if you've never had a job before then they want to hear you're excited to learn about the field.
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