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porco dio porco dio porco dio porco dio

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it's just disheartening. and when something good does happen to me, unprompted, someone thinks of me and asks to do something together, or gifts me something without being induced, says something nice to me. it's already so much. but i tricked myself here. bceause i've been sodesperate for the engagement i used to get. for the happiness i used to receive towards me. that now the crumbs, i praise them. and praising the crumbs, i keep getting crumbs. but i am happy of the crumbs. i am happy and grateful for anything. i am. but i still feel. empty. because people normally don't get crumbs only and they don't have this problem

so i should feel. in the right. to request a bit more done towards me. but if i don't have the self esteem to do it. and if i constantly guilt myself and blame myself for everything. that will never happen. i will never be worthy enough to ask for a little bit more engagement, a little bit more. me. instead of constantly pouring it out for others and have others fully lay on me. i say no and they do it anyway so what's the point. stepping away is an option. i've been doing that. i've seen what it does. people start to miss me and remark i've been distant and cold but they don't ask. why. what's up. am i holding up ok. do you want to talk about what you're doing or your interests. what have you been up to. none of that. it's just. me. me and me. and why you stepping away is a problem to me .

i'm so tired

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instead we get to a point where i do my best being honest and transparent and keep in mind all of these limitations and compromises and rules to not upset others or not bother them to the point where i feel like i'm walking on eggshells, but i chose to do this because, i was causing trouble in the first place. i was told things because i was being too much ,there was a reason for that. do i feel it's a bit unfair? sure. but i don't want to hurt others again or fuck things up. so i accept it. but i do expect to be at least. cherished? thought about? cared for? the same way i care for others. a little bit. not right away. but at least a bit more frequently. because i know i'm doing it as frequently as i can and i do it with things i know have some value. i hope. it's time and effort i put into people and respect and remembering what they ask of me. the same cannot be done for me in any circumstance and it's getting a little bit depressing

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i'm told i'm good and i do so much and i make effort and i do my best to show i care even when i feel bad or don't have time i cancel plans and i try to be there and i give gifts and because i want to, i don't expect it to be a material exchange i don't expect to be paid i just want people i care about to know i DO care about them. even if my ways of showing it suck. and i'm not good with words so i use art. i use gifts that i associate to the person's interests. i carefully select gift choices because i have to keep in mind how the person feels and if it's useful for them or not. i do all this. and i know i am. i keep feeling it's wrong to expect something back, not right away just, during the long term period of time. and i get little to nothing. i get a whole lot of arguments and telling me i fucked something up. fully ignoring that i might have situations going on and chose, after being told to quit venting so much which was legit, to stop sharing them. doesn't mean they don't happen. doesn't mean i'm having a jolly time. i'm hjaving a hard time. i can't feel happy as i used to. feeling excited for something is almost impossible. my baseline is sadness and guilt and regret. or nothing at all. i stopped feeling like a person so much time ago. i am a walking guarantee of something and always habve been. if i'm asked to think about who i am as a person and what my identity and job is i just don't have any. i am dissolved in a puddle of mud. it's bad. and nobody. not even me. has the heart to care. because other more important people need it more than i do

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but i am so rational, so emotionally intelligent, i know how to dissect things and look at them up close, i have the means to succeed but my execution is poor. you are good and great and you are enough i'm told. but i'm showed very different opinions and feelings. the disparity of the two has been grinding my head for years now. it was all much better when i was convinced i was just a machine and a robot who was supposed to get good numbers attached to my name nad that was it. my needs wants or dreams or interests weren't worthy of time and effort ever and that's the message i've stuck with for so long and now i feel selfish i'm actually giving myself time

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and i'm to blame because i don't 'speak up' and i don't 'confide' and i don't 'trust others' and guess what! don't you think there's a reason for that? no? at all? don't you think i might not feel great doing that because whenever i did i got absolutely shamed and destroyed? and felt like never doing it again?

i am so full of bitterness and hurt and i try my best to not let it transpire because i know i'm just not worth feeling these things. i shouldn't be feeling them because i'm proven time and time again i'm not someone worthy of affection or love or time. my requests or my needs aren't important. nobody actively looks out for me if not for the bread crumbs of 'how goes it' and the honest answer instantly makes it awkward and people just want to move on or act like me not being ok is a problem. when i'm surrounded by people who instead share how they feel and are welcomed with open arms every time. but not me

there's something wrong and i'm fucking something up i suppose. and there's no fixing it because if it's who i am then there's nothing else to do

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just fucking sucks when others are safe asking for help asking for reassurance for happiness to be shared for things to do together and just. being a person with needs

but when i do that, when i try to ask for a little thing, something as small as 'can we talk about something else' it's too much to remember or actually do. i'm always too much no matter how small the request is and that's just. hm

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i also sympathize with my brother requesting help cause he definitely didn't need all that is happening to him, but i also can't help but feel extremely caged whenever this happens. because he's so eager to grab me and my mother and father and take all the help he can while feeling 0 remorse about it. meanwhile i still have to ask permission to use the shower and i have to watch my words around everyone because every reason is good to start arguing with me or berating me or what i'm doing and it's just. when does this end. lmao

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wow my friend did a thing just the day we're supposed to meet that i really didn't fucking like and i let him know and thank god he's not protesting about it. yet. jesus fcking christ i lowkey feel sick lol

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good job by the way good fucking job

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ANY FUCKING WAY

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è sempre molto rassicurante sapere che la persona in teoria più vicina a me è sempre così pronta a assumere il peggio di quello che dico, faccio e respiro! grazie tante. perchè invece io non devo assolutamente permettermi di avere dubbi, mai, dato che dall'altra parte si sta facendo TANTISSIMO per essermi vicino eh? che bello

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it is what it fucking is

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imagine being honest you have troubles trusting and talking about special interests, being told you're understood, and when you do try to talk about things again you're met with detached and disinterested replies. surely helps me build trust again really

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i want to strangle my mother. i don't know. claw at her or some shit. for constantly turning my father against me. sure i might lose patience. but what does it fucking mean to tell me 'if something happens to your brother i'm holding you responsible'. it set me off. i'm sorry. as if i'm not worried by my fucking self and doing what i can and what my brother ALLOWS ME TO DO to help him. but no i'm responsible, because i'm not as obsessive as she is, something that he has said he can't fucking stand. so you know. i don't want to overstep his boundaries but that doesn't matter. that doesn't fucking matter i guess

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yeah yeah we know our future is fucked we know ill find a way or some shit just shut up and let me figure out what is going on today

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kinda really sucks that i've been made to feel so obnoxious and wrong that i just can't really talk about anything myself unless i'm asked something