Last Seen Blogs
deadboyclub
Casper the friendly ghost
zurigo
rigostudio
n0vin
Untitled
sunny-duckling
Untitled
lidurts
lidurts
Text
.
#there should be a way for me to prevent myself from going to look at my old blog#and see how much love i put out and received at the same time and how different that is from today#i was worthy of love and open affection once#bitterly finding out now that it's my fault it's gone. because i've become worse. mentally. in life. everywhere. i'm a disappointment#except maybe art. that is one thing that keeps sort of progressing and i'm not abandoning it yet#which. is pretty selfish and useless because it will never be my career#selfish useless and stupid. the three words that best describe me lately#i'm so sorry for younger me. they had convictions and ambition and aspirations#they loved openly and were loved back and they fought to keep people happy and alive around them#despite their short sight because of family and abuse. they had dreams and they were happy#i'm so fucking sorry i disappointed them
0 notes
Text
i really like this trend where people around me are always free to share their personal negative opinion on something and i respect it as such but if i am to do that instead it's suddenly a problem and i shouldn't say stuff like that ever
#*through gritted teeth* it's fine it's all good i won't become the people who hurt me#i'll be the bigger person and not get upset and talk back about it#again. and again. and again. and again
0 notes
Text
my craft and what i create external to myself, gifts and good things shared and memories and photographs, those will always be fondly remembered and used. but it's come to a point where it's the external that counts. not the person where that comes from. and that's ok. again, be strong. this is normality now
0 notes
Text
well. better get used to this. to being taken for granted and always considered last. funny thing being that i am always grateful and my standards are so low that anything goes. but maybe that's the problem. i'm kind of too tired of arguing to really stand up for myself here. if people around me can't deal with having to at least tell me something then i don't know. as i said before. better disappear and let it be normality
0 notes
Text
i don't understand why i still get so angry and frustrated at instances like this. it happens way too many times for comfort now. to be aware that someone you want to love and cherish and demonstrate that you do feel that way towards them just. picks someone else to be loving and appreciative towards
so we're always going to be the second, third, fourth, last choice for this type of treatment. always
and if we bring it up or express concern, we are shot down and yelled at angry things
so. alright
0 notes
Text
what's the point really. there's nothing else to do but isolate more and more until people realize i'm not worth it and abandon me. it will happen again and this time i'll have the resolve to just stop caring and give up entirely
0 notes
Text
daily affirmation that nothing matters and i don't matter and nothing i will ever say or do will change the fact that i'm not wanted and loved and i'm only kept around as a commodity of sorts 👍
0 notes
Text
well hey at least i have therapy on the 13th
#and too bad i also keep feeling i'm failing my therapist too! lmao#i don't wish it upon anyone to end up where i am right now with thoughts#my nightmares were awful and i am not happy about anything going on#only the occasional blessings of people being nice to me when i'm out in public and masking what's going on#i feel like a discarded piece of shit nobody wants around. simple#and i don't even blame whoever feels this way#only friends i got over here can only joke around and won't be able to talk seriously to me#and i refuse to burden closer people with myself even more than i already do#so i'll keep being silent and pretending i'm fine and nothing's going on#and maybe things will just stop on their own#i don't wish anyone to be loved and betrayed by love and learn paranoia and mistrust#you become a specific type of miserable. it's just becoming worse and worse#and i'm very tired#tbd
0 notes
Text
i never did enough for anybody and im sorry i was a failure from start to end
0 notes
Text
i want to give up so badly. nothing is right. i have financial support and im leaning hard on others all for nothing. like a parasite. i wont be able to do anything. i wont be avle to achieve anythibg. i will die knowing i never did enough
0 notes
Text
i am so tired of everything and my heart hurts. everything hurts and i want it all to stop
0 notes
Text
best thing. when i change myself to fit other people's needs, sensitivities, triggers, and i do it effortlessly, i don't mind, but if it's me? my feelings? my triggers. whoops i forgot! oh don't be like that. you're exaggerating. or they'd rather tell me dismissive things so they get rid of having to deal with me. lovely really.
0 notes
Text
kind of very personal reflection in the tags about health and fear of death i guess
#really sucks when someone keeps going with unhealthy behaviors#and when the body suddenly breaks or suddenly gives extremely alarming signs it might already be too late to act#because 'but i was fine before'#one of the top reasons why i have done my best despite stress and arguing and everything going on to keep moving#keep hiking keep walking more than an hour a day keep eating even if i don't like it#managing stress and prioritizing myself some extents more#yeah i was 'fine' before. but i wasn't realizing i was slowly starting to kill myself. a young body won't tell you shit. it will compensate#until it suddenly can't anymore#just saw a video of a content creator i follow who suddenly got scared of their body giving up on them#and is now changing their lifestyle. which is great. but it's sad for me to see#because the body keeps score and catches up. it eventually does. and it's scary when it happens. and i wish i acted more for myself#anyway. i hope people look after themselves as much as they can and can afford#human body can snap its fingers and suddenly there's a huge problem that needs fixing. and it can be preventable#it can be easier. i don't want to fall ill because i push myself to extents my body can't follow. and i don't want people close to me to#risk the same. maybe it's selfish to want. but it's a bit of a reflection i've had buzzing in my head quite a while#and this video made me think actively on it again#i don't know when's the last time i'll see my aunt. she's 70 and morbidly obese and can barely walk. she needs medications and she can't#raise herself from her bed. i just don't want more family to go down that road. i want everyone to be ok and know that some things can be#easily prevented and looked after. yeah
0 notes
Text
'oh you have therapy? great, so you will be impossible to be around today then'
i may have said i get tired sometimes and it's difficult to talk about things that i don't like. but i never treated anyone badly after therapy. i live with a chronic liar and narcissist and i'm so tired of it
and what mother are you for saying this to your own offspring? fuck therapy it's helping you and i don't like it? fuck off. just fuck off
0 notes
Text
'go away, change residence, go live alone'
with what money. i'm forced to stay in uni. with what money do i go live alone. do i start working? i cant. im not allowed to because i cant do "just anyone's job". i'm stuck here. i'll keep stuck here till the day i die. i don't know what's so unclear about it
0 notes
Text
another day another argument at 8 in the morning as soon as i'm awake because of something stupid and then she attaches it to other fucking topics that i have a hard time tackling. all gfucking good. it's not like i can't and refuse to function at this point because i'm constantly fucking arguing
0 notes
Text
and hey don't worry whatever it is i will admit to feel? exaggerated, not real. whatever it is i share? annoying, obnoxious. i like something to bits and want to talk about it? i can't, i'd be a problem or sound weird. i have something i want to do together? i get abandoned, they lose interest. i show concern on something and ask about it? never should've done it, i fucked up.
i have no chance to be any better and i'm slowly killing myself barely eating and barely acting like a fully functional adult. i can't do anything on my own. i can't ask for help. i can't ask to be there for me just a moment because most people, if not all, don't want to have anything to do with me anymore. because i fucked up. i probably asked for too much and acted wrong and burned all of my chances.
'hey the one time i tell you i can listen to you you don't want to talk?' yeah i don't because if i'm asked "why are you sad" in my head i can talk about why i'm sad. but then i'm told to quit it because suddenly i upset the person who asked in the first place. and now i have to fix it. i'm always there trying to fix it. fix it fix it fix it because nobody else fucking cares to.
what a life really. imagine feeling free and feeling like i have help somewhere that isn't my therapist. who i will disappoint this friday. just like i keep disappointing fucking everyone every day of my goddamn life, nothing i try doing nothing i try fixing nothing i try saying matters to anyone. nobody cares. nobody nobody nobody and i just want to die
0 notes