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We looked inside some of the posts by senseless-blabbering and here's what we found interesting.
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5 days ago
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è sempre molto rassicurante sapere che la persona in teoria più vicina a me è sempre così pronta a assumere il peggio di quello che dico, faccio e respiro! grazie tante. perchè invece io non devo assolutamente permettermi di avere dubbi, mai, dato che dall'altra parte si sta facendo TANTISSIMO per essermi vicino eh? che bello
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imagine being honest you have troubles trusting and talking about special interests, being told you're understood, and when you do try to talk about things again you're met with detached and disinterested replies. surely helps me build trust again really
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i want to strangle my mother. i don't know. claw at her or some shit. for constantly turning my father against me. sure i might lose patience. but what does it fucking mean to tell me 'if something happens to your brother i'm holding you responsible'. it set me off. i'm sorry. as if i'm not worried by my fucking self and doing what i can and what my brother ALLOWS ME TO DO to help him. but no i'm responsible, because i'm not as obsessive as she is, something that he has said he can't fucking stand. so you know. i don't want to overstep his boundaries but that doesn't matter. that doesn't fucking matter i guess
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yeah yeah we know our future is fucked we know ill find a way or some shit just shut up and let me figure out what is going on today
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kinda really sucks that i've been made to feel so obnoxious and wrong that i just can't really talk about anything myself unless i'm asked something
#but hey that's what happens when everything you've done that felt safe and ok#kinda never was and you were told you only talk of 1 thing and don't care about anything else#but then now i'm told i'm apparently missed and it's missed when i used to talk freely about stuff#and i can't believe that. even if i try my hardest to#i know i can't do that and i know if i let go of my constraints and talk with no restrictions i'll be told off again#and if not then i won't be told it's not ok and i won't be told it's too much#and i'll be doing harm without realizing it#but that's what i deserve for not putting others before myself#i guess. sort of. went back to knowing that whatever i want or feel doesn't matter#so that's fine i suppose. i can still live and move on sort of#so. it's whatever. i'll be asked and i'll be talked to if i'm wanted or needed#whatever it is i do out of my own initiative or interest won't be welcome and that's ok too#as long as i keep finding happiness myself in something then. ok#kinda sucks to be hurt deeply and then blamed for reacting a certain way too#being told 'i'm hurt now' kinda fucking sucks. because i never wanted this to begin with#all i did was. feeling safe and talking a lot. but that was of course not ok#and god knows how not ok that had been. for how much time. and i wasn't told#now it's become extremely sensitive and i require 100% transparency on whatever happens or i feel insanely bad#like my chest just gives up. and i'm capable of being made guilty even when i'm honest about this too#so i think i'm kind of tired and i really don't know what else to do. and i don't feel like talking#but i'm still here. and i realize i don't feel anger or hatred or anything like it. there's just. kinda nothing#but if i'm asked or talked to i feel good and i feel ok#but because of my hurt i've become less reliable on that and i'm not believed when i say i still treasure it a lot#and despite being hurt i don't want to be isolated. it's just that i can't trust again#but oh well right. i apparently caused all this and caused my personality to completely change#so it's all on me i suppose
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#there should be a way for me to prevent myself from going to look at my old blog#and see how much love i put out and received at the same time and how different that is from today#i was worthy of love and open affection once#bitterly finding out now that it's my fault it's gone. because i've become worse. mentally. in life. everywhere. i'm a disappointment#except maybe art. that is one thing that keeps sort of progressing and i'm not abandoning it yet#which. is pretty selfish and useless because it will never be my career#selfish useless and stupid. the three words that best describe me lately#i'm so sorry for younger me. they had convictions and ambition and aspirations#they loved openly and were loved back and they fought to keep people happy and alive around them#despite their short sight because of family and abuse. they had dreams and they were happy#i'm so fucking sorry i disappointed them
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i really like this trend where people around me are always free to share their personal negative opinion on something and i respect it as such but if i am to do that instead it's suddenly a problem and i shouldn't say stuff like that ever
#*through gritted teeth* it's fine it's all good i won't become the people who hurt me#i'll be the bigger person and not get upset and talk back about it#again. and again. and again. and again
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my craft and what i create external to myself, gifts and good things shared and memories and photographs, those will always be fondly remembered and used. but it's come to a point where it's the external that counts. not the person where that comes from. and that's ok. again, be strong. this is normality now
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well. better get used to this. to being taken for granted and always considered last. funny thing being that i am always grateful and my standards are so low that anything goes. but maybe that's the problem. i'm kind of too tired of arguing to really stand up for myself here. if people around me can't deal with having to at least tell me something then i don't know. as i said before. better disappear and let it be normality
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i don't understand why i still get so angry and frustrated at instances like this. it happens way too many times for comfort now. to be aware that someone you want to love and cherish and demonstrate that you do feel that way towards them just. picks someone else to be loving and appreciative towards
so we're always going to be the second, third, fourth, last choice for this type of treatment. always
and if we bring it up or express concern, we are shot down and yelled at angry things
so. alright
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what's the point really. there's nothing else to do but isolate more and more until people realize i'm not worth it and abandon me. it will happen again and this time i'll have the resolve to just stop caring and give up entirely
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daily affirmation that nothing matters and i don't matter and nothing i will ever say or do will change the fact that i'm not wanted and loved and i'm only kept around as a commodity of sorts 👍
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well hey at least i have therapy on the 13th
#and too bad i also keep feeling i'm failing my therapist too! lmao#i don't wish it upon anyone to end up where i am right now with thoughts#my nightmares were awful and i am not happy about anything going on#only the occasional blessings of people being nice to me when i'm out in public and masking what's going on#i feel like a discarded piece of shit nobody wants around. simple#and i don't even blame whoever feels this way#only friends i got over here can only joke around and won't be able to talk seriously to me#and i refuse to burden closer people with myself even more than i already do#so i'll keep being silent and pretending i'm fine and nothing's going on#and maybe things will just stop on their own#i don't wish anyone to be loved and betrayed by love and learn paranoia and mistrust#you become a specific type of miserable. it's just becoming worse and worse#and i'm very tired#tbd
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i never did enough for anybody and im sorry i was a failure from start to end
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