#thats one of the reasons i really dont like going to the doctors alone

[caffeinatedopossum]

I think it's interesting how it took me finding someone I'm fully comfortable around to notice what I'm not comfortable with. It makes sense when I think about it because no one else ever let me have boundaries so I thought I just didn't have them. But now I know I don't really like being touched, even when I'm close with someone. I don't like being tickled or being held in certain ways and I don't usually like to be naked or get dressed/undressed in front of anyone. And I finally feel like no one's demanding me to act like I'm comfortable with things I'm not anymore. It's really nice, I hope everyone gets to feel like this someday

[aakariiiii]

You’ll Catch My Coldˏˋ°•*⁀➷

contains: mitsuya being sick, thats really it….

requests: open

a/n: i had this uncompleted in my drafts so i finished writing it n here i am uploading it!!! i kinda (only kinda) like it tbh so i hope you guys like it as well, just a reminder that requests are open!!!! please enjoy reading it <33

____________________________________ ׂׂૢ་༘࿐

It was 2pm at the moment, and I have been woken from my deep slumber that I promised myself I would get as a reward of my hard work during the academic year.

“Who the fuck wakes up at 2pm on the first day of summer vacation. And who the fuck even woke me up?” I ask myself as I rub my eyes to help clear my obscured vision.

My phone has been ringing for the past eternity, and it’s not shutting up.

I grab my phone to check who’s the asshole who’s been calling ever since the morning, only to find out that it’s my very dear boyfriend, mitsuya.

11 missed calls from taka <3

“oh shit, oh shit” I curse to myself as worry embraces me, spreading through my veins insidiously.

Did he die? Did something happen to him?

I ask myself these questions as I dial his number on my phone.

“pick up you idiot” i whisper to no one in particular.

“Luna, Mana, get the hell away from me.” I hear mitsuya on the other line cough up this sentence.

“Babe?” I ask

“y/n. Where the fu—hell have you been. I was starting to get worried, you idiot!” His voice, scratchy and full of cold, asked through the phone.

“Ahaaha��I have been…asleep…” I muttered shamefully and then added, “Are you okay though, you sound exhausted…and full of cold..”

“That’s the reason I ca—cough—ca—cough—” he stops to take a breath and continues “called. Luna and Mana are not leaving me alone and I dont want to spread my cold to them, the—cough—they’re trying to help me out which is pretty nice but I dont want them getting sick.”

“Okay, I’ll be there in a bit.” I say, getting up from my bed.

“I’ll get you some medicine on the way. Stay put, love you.” I add.

“Mhm, thank you—cough—Genuinely have n—cough—no idea what i’d do with—cough—without you, i love you so much.” he says in a weak, feeble voice.

“Oh shut it, I’m your girlfriend for a reason, dummy.” I replied.

“I’m—cough—I’m trying to be nice—cough—but anyway, b—cough—bye”

“Bye.” I giggle as I end the call. He’s so cute!

———————————————————————

I slowly open the door of Mitsuya’s house, expecting him to be asleep. I truly did not expect to hear yells and giggles coming out from both Mitsuya and his sisters, who are currently seated in the living room.

I tip toe to secretly steal a glance, only to be greeted by the scene of Luna sitting on top of mitsuya, who was laying on the couch, head on the couch’s armrest, and Mana standing beside that armrest, gawking at mitsuya straight in the eyes from above.

I couldn’t help but let out a giggle, which turned all the attention to me, and with that, both Luna and Mana ran straight up to me, hugging my lower torso.

“Y/n! You’re here!” one of the girls yelled in excitement, causing me to grin.

“Indeed I am! How do you girls think Mitsuya’s been feeling?” I ask, playing along with their ‘doctor’ game.

“Well—based on what I have seen, I think he has—uhhhh…a cough!” Luna says hesitantly as Mana nods.

I kneel down as I place the grocery bags I brought on the floor, trying to reach to their level, and say in a surprised manner “Oh, really?! Poor Mitsuya, he must he feeling awful, right? What do you guys recommend him to do?”

“Sleep!” Mana answers and Luna adds, “Yeah, I think he must rest well!”

“Exactly, now why don’t you girls go to your room while I make sure that Nee-san gets the sleep he needs so that we can all play together later?” I offer, excitingly, earning nods and ‘yeah, hurray!’ from one of them as they rush to their rooms.

I stand up again and approach Mitsuya, and Oh God. Exhaustion was painted all over his face, tired eyes begging to sleep and some messy hair.

“How are you feeling, Taka?” I ask softly.

“Take a guess, babe,” He responds sarcastically in a rough, scratched voice.

“Well, based on what your little doctors told me, not very well,” I joke as I bring my hand to his forehead, and as expected, he was burning up.

“Woah, what an absolute genius you are, babe” he coughs.

“Yeah yeah, whatever. I get that all the time, but anyway, do you wanna head to your room? I’ll make you some food before handing you your medicine and then you can head to sleep and I’ll take care of the girls for tonight,”

“Sounds good to me, I think my head is about to explode,” He winces as he tries to get up in a vain attempt.

“Take it easy, Taka, let me help you,”

And with that, I help him up and make sure he walks without stumbling and breaking a bone to his room. I grab some water and place it beside his nightstand.

“You can sleep while I make the food if you want, but it shouldn’t take long,” I mention as I lean in to give him a quick kiss on the cheek.

“Yeah I think I’ll stay awake—b—cough—but you stay away from me- or else you—cough—you’ll catch my cold—“ He coughs again.

“Oh don’t be silly, of course I’ll catch your cold, but you’ll take care of me the next,” I grin as I begin making my way out of his room.

“I don’t know how I ended up being with you, but I’m not complaining,” he faintly mutters to himself, smiling softly at no one in particular.

He does realise that even if you make silly jokes sometimes, he’s indeed the luckiest man on earth to have you beside him.

____________________________________ ׂׂૢ་༘࿐

[regular-gnome]

Through many AUs I've been through, yours are the one I like the most, because it's a more realistic one.

I can see that the "cruelty" of other Collectors are not like that they are evil.

For a being that is older than universe, they are like the Gardeners of Stars, as a gardener you have to cut it out what is dead, you have to treat the soil, prepare it for a new tree, now with planets it's kind the same, they visit, they watch, and so they decide if some species is worth to keep and if they are not worth for keeping.

And so, this process of leaving a juvenile collector in a planet till the dominant species dies is kinda a hardening process, in order for them to grow mature and to not let feelings intervene in the decision process, like being a doctor, you must put aside the fear of hurting the patient in order to heal the patient.

But in TOH things got different, they found a species that represented danger to themselves, so they used another species to kill the titans and the little collector paid the piper.

Im very glad you enjoy the AU:D

The concept is rooted in the idea that generally, people or characters don't choose evil simply for the sake of being evil. But nobody is omnicent, they react to whats happening, trying to figure out what might be "best" as they go without really a way to know for sure if its a right call. Having power to destroy a planet with swipe of finger rises the stakes for literally everyone. When the Collector was releashed during King's Tide the game changed. If Belos had managed to control them - nobody would have been able to challenge him. Even Odalia tried to suggest totally reshaping the isles. Seeing anyone as mostly/ only dangerous power sources creates power imbalance, something that can evolve into very shaky and actually dangerous relation when the other side realises they were never really considered a equal person and having the ability to revange. There is a lot of implications and possibilities when someone possesses such power with no oversight and unlimited time but also is a person that doesnt want to be alone:D

If involvement with mortals ends in some kind of complications the collectors will be around to see the consequences, even if they don't directly experience them so sort of desensitization toward the very life they are trying to preserve is bound to happen. "They live for so short and can cause so much change in their own system, its best to control the situation" type of mindset. Also thinking of ecosystem like gardens that need work on makes it easier to deal with, especially since with the scale of galaxy they cant just spend unlimited amout of time in one place full of creatures that do not want to be preserved. Their actions come from a place of care but there is inherent cruelty in their concern

Sooo yeah, its the perspective that might develop in that kind of situation and might end up with leaving one of their own alone for eons. But who knows, this AU is a lot of theories in a trenchcoat and i dont want to defend their actions. Killing all titans? yeah thats bad. It's more about theorizing why anyone would consider that a reasonable option while also not being evil just cuz

[mithliya]

You don't have to answer this obviously, its embarrassing but I feel like I don't know where else to ask - NSFW

I've always found penetration difficult. I feel like I'm broken as a woman because it feels like everyone around me is able to do it and enjoys it and I don't. I don't want to be graphic but I don't know what to do. I'm scared to go to a doctor in case they diagnose me with vaginismus. I don't know if I should even try to make it better or just leave it. I feel like I can't experience my body fully because I cant do this one thing. I know thats stupid but its what I think in my head. I can't use tampons, and sexual penetration is terrible. I can use my hand, but I can't feel anything. It just doesn't feel pleasurable and I can't go in very far. If I use a dildo, it hurts. Not every second, I go slow etc but I can't get much in. It feels painful at the side of my labia. No matter what direction or position it just hurts. I can almost feel a bone blocking it or something. I feel like I'm broken and a freak and I don't know what to do. I cant talk to my friends because they all talk about how they love penetration and I feel too ashamed of my situation. I'm scared I'll never be able to satisfy a partner even though I'm a lesbian because I see women on here and tiktok talking about strapons etc and I know it would hurt and be impossible to have sex like that. Even when I relax and am definitely ready to try penetration, it doesn't work. No matter what I do it always feels uncomfortable in some way. If it doesn't hurt, it feels like nothing. I'm afraid I do have vaginismus or something is really wrong with me. I've never allowed a partner to try. I've not had a long term relationship and I worry women will be really put off if penetration is something I can't partake in. Ive not had loads of dating experience so idk if this is even a reasonable worry to have. im so sorry this is all over the place. I totally understand if you cant answer. Ive tried googling stuff but i cant really find much.

sorry for taking a while to respond. first of all i dont see whats embarrassing about this?! you have not said anything here that i think is embarrassing.

i don't particularly enjoy penetration and ive come across MANYYYYY women who don't. particularly many lesbians. its ok if you don't enjoy penetration. it doesn't have to mean you have vaginismus either, although what you described might be that (potentially on top of you already naturally not being keen on penetration). that said, there is no shame in being diagnosed with vaginismus either. receiving such a diagnosis can help you understand your body better and if you do think you could potentially enjoy penetration then maybe a diagnosis would help open that door for you somehow. it might also end up that you don't have vaginismus. either way, there is no must or need in enjoying penetration. there's probably even straight women who don't like it! just because there's many women who do, does not mean there's something wrong with you for not enjoying it.

i don't use tampons either! im 26 and first time i tried to, i was 24 and ever since then ive used it maybe a grand total of 2-3 times? it feels uncomfortable and painful for me too. its ok, many women do not use tampons so you're really not missing out there. it isn't a requirement in female adulthood.

also penetration alone does not feel pleasureable to an even larger group of women! so once again, there is nothing abnormal about not feeling much when trying it on yourself and its not abnormal to not find it pleasurable. and i don't know how experienced you are sexually, but the other stuff you mentioned could also be because you're dealing with shame & fear & aren't aroused enough while trying penetration on yourself. and if your friends were to judge you for not enjoying penetration, then frankly they're the ones that are weird, not you!

and from my experience at least, women have not been put off by me saying i don't like certain things (like penetration) and prefer other acts. if you're not sexually compatible with a woman then that is fine, but no one can expect you to enjoy a particular sex act and then judge you when you don't.

i think before worrying yourself this much, you should first find a woman you are comfortable with and attracted to. you could tell her about your fears & insecurities before having sex-- it can help if you're going to engage with her sexually bc it takes off anxiety from you while also making her aware of how she should be mindful & gentle! if you end up trying things with penetration with her and it becomes clear to you that you simply do not like it or like it with certain limits & restrictions or love it or whatever else-- all of that is normal. but don't worry yourself this much over something so small & a normal preference like not liking penetration, its really not abnormal to not enjoy it. if you're sexually inexperienced and have barely even dated then i get why you're worrying yourself so much but i promise when you're sexually active then normal people do not care about that the way you might think they do. penetration isnt for everyone, it doesn't have to be something you want or enjoy either

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw neglect , social anxiety / anxiety

hi i would like some advice

so i plan on moving out as soon as i can once i turn 18, it’s impossible for me to live at my “home” any longer than necessary.

im not cared for correctly my parents wont get me in any doctors appointments of any kind (eye, yearly doctor appointments, therapy, etc), theyve emotionally neglected me my whole life, they wont let me leave my house on my own i dont live in a dangerous place and its not far walks to go places here i get the hesitation since im a girl but again this is not a dangerous place and im not trying to go super far people walk here all the time. i dont know how to live on my own in any way. i can survive being alone in my room 24 hours a day but i have severe social anxiety and along with the neglect i havent been in school. i’ve always struggled with school and that was always ignored but i think it’s something more but i cant know for sure since my parents wont get me in with any doctor. as soon as i got into homeschool since i was experiencing really bad anxiety (instead of actually trying to help and get to the root of the problem they just put me in homeschool and turned a blind eye and acted like everything was fine) everything has only been festering and growing since and its debilitating now.

i dont have a driver’s license or id and not much school record since i got homeschooled 5 years ago (i would have been a senior next school year/in a couple months) i cant get a job I for one: dont have any of that i mentioned and also no idea how to socialize i dont have any friends and it just seems very hopeless. im not sure what to do. i need a job to start saving up to move but i have no way of getting one for the reasons i listed and also every time i try to do exposures for my social anxiety my parents wont let me (the walks for example). i cant live here any longer than i need to i really cant and thats not all the reasons why. i feel trapped here theres no room for me to do anything or grow at all. i just cant take it anymore i want to spend these next couple years trying to get better to leave but i have no idea how.

im not expecting anything from this i guess i just need any sort of advice or anything on how to navigate and get through my situation. how would someone handle this? not even just about the job aspect just how do i get out of this. i have no idea what to do and i dont have anyone i can talk to or go to. thank you for your time!

Hi anon, I'm very sorry to hear about the emotional and physical neglect you have, and currently are experiencing, as well as the lack of resources provided for you to become an independent adult (which seems to include both financial, as well as educational, abuse). I can deeply empathize that it likely feels like you are very much alone in all this, but sadly you are not the first, or only one, and I found several resources that might be of assistance (both for getting independence, as well as further validation).

Here’s a page that discusses the abuse that is sometimes found in homeschooling environments (which isn’t to suggest all are, but in your case, very much sounds so).  If anything this page might validate some of your experiences, as well as potentially sharing them with the reddit, and/or facebook groups.

Here’s an article that discusses what financial abuse is, suggestions of how to develop a safety plan to leave, as well as resources linked at the end to find shelters/services near you that might be of assistance.  

In my opinion, first focus should be about getting you into a safe environment, with trained professionals, who can help you navigate personal independence as you connect with community resources, and begin your healing journey.  Though my hope is that as you practice and experience safe environments, with safe people, it might help alleviate the social anxiety (if it’s a trauma based response), or, at the very least, they might be able to assist in developing new coping skills to navigate the world with the anxiety.  Either way, I promise there are people out there who care, want to help, and will - and I hope with at least some resources shared, it might be a starting point to help you connect with them. 

[unethicalexperiments]

idk how to really start this but like. my mental state is just so exhausting like im so tired of it. theres no reason i should be this volatile theres no reason i should react to situations the way i do. just last night i had a weird (not even that bad) interaction with a stranger and it pissed me off so much i tried to kill myself. i wasn't sad or embarrassed i was just so furious over it, because it was a 10 second interaction and i couldn't explain myself to the other person, and i was just so fucking angry i was ready to physically hurt the other person over it well after i walked away. and then once i got home i was so upset that i got that unreasonably angry over a nothing interaction. and its not like i even got angry while i was still with the other person! it wasnt until after i walked away! there were only two thoughts circling in my mind for about 30-60 minutes after (idk im so bad at keeping track of time) that were just "why do i react to things like this" and "i just want it to stop hurting" bc thats the worst of it it just hurts so much. i swear im in physical pain after having breakdowns like that i feel hollow in my chest and obviously i dont have to say anything else about how much it emotionally hurts. i just want it to stop hurting. is that really too much to ask for? to not be in so much pain for just a little while? i guess i still havent come to terms with the fact that im disabled, because i still think of being disabled as someone who uses aids, even though i know invisible disabilities are a thing. i dont see other peoples invisible disabilities as being invalid, just really my own, because i still feel like im high enough functioning that i shouldnt consider myself disabled. i dont use mobility aids yet i dont take pain medication yet so therefore the literal brain damage i have isnt bad enough, im still fine. i kind of got off track but thats also part of it i guess. another thing that really gets me is the fact that i actually do have bpd, i was diagnosed by an actual doctor at 17 and its still a more than valid diagnosis. i feel like im in this constant cycle of "i have to get better because i cant keep living like this" and "i have to get worse so everyone else can see what theyve done to me". like last night i literally had to sit down and reread the dsm chapter on bpd to remind myself this is why youre like this. you do have this diagnosis its real and it is a problem. my 30 minute episodes of actively trying to kill myself to be followed by watching tv or something and laughing as if none of that happened. i still cant fathom not living like this, not having to go through this every fucking day. and then on the other hand i had a great interaction today at my job that made me feel really good about what i do and proving the work that i do is actually helping the community around me. and i felt on top of the world for like an hour, i felt great! and then another thing at work happened where i proved myself/my team to be right about something! which was also great! and i got another half hour of happiness. and then i get home and im reminded of how alone i am, how i really have no one to do or share anything with anymore. which is partially my fault and partially not! im not gonna act like im the most pleasant person to be around or that im easy to deal with, but fuck, man, i try. and it always feels like no one else is trying. i cut my own hair for the first time a few weeks ago; it came out great! and had no one to tell about it.

and now im just staring at a wall over all of it. none of the bad stuff happened none of the good stuff happened. im gonna get violently angry later and im gonna be nearly euphoric later, its just another day. and i want to change i want to change my lifestyle so bad but how can i do that without any help. i spent years of my life begging for other people to help me and got ignored, which resulted in my disability. i tried so hard to fix it on my own but i couldnt! im not a doctor! and now ill never be because i couldnt finish my pre-med classes because of my disability! i feel like im constantly screaming at the top of my lungs and waving red flags shouting please for the love of god someone help me every day and every day nothing changes. they say you cant help someone who doesnt want to be helped, but has anyone actually tried helping people before? youre telling me you cant problem solve? you cant find a different road to a solution, just because we cant take the easiest one? im sorry that its not easy for everyone else to help me, but how does anyone else think i feel?

but whatever. im fine now. i relived every emotion i went through while writing all that but im fine now. now that its all out there its all out there, out of my system. i dont care anymore. because it didnt matter. because it doesnt matter. none of it matters. it happened and its gonna happen again. ill go through these cycles again tomorrow and the next day and the next week and the next month and the next year and so on. it is what it is i guess. but does it really have to be.

[sethredia]

is there anything else like the combination of anxiety disorder, period hormones, and your first coffee in a month (between the coffee and the midol ive gone from maybe ~35mg to 210mg of caffeine in one day and lord knows thats a big jump)?

its three in the morning and i Cannot fall asleep and now im like three seconds away from an anxiety attack over a recurring feeling of Something being in my eye but when i look theres nothing there and its been. longer than i really should have let it get but i was really hoping it would clear up on its own. but this means i have to call my eye doctor tomorrow morning - no, today, just later, jesus christ - because if its Something thats not just like flushing out with water then you fucking Have To go to the doctor but i was Just there for new glasses and i dont have insurance so its another like sixty fucking dollars and thats If they have an appointment any time soon because if not i might have to go to a different eye doctor that, while cheaper, i dont know or trust and all and. god damn it why does every eye place close on sundays? this is the first monday in months i have to work and thats because i have a “vacation” coming up from work and i wanted to squeeze in the hours before i wasnt at work for a week.

AND i have to work today at ten and thats when the fucking eye doctor opens and while i technically could probably get away with doing that in the morning because i tend to open alone (and if my boss is there for some reason i know logically she would let me make the call because shes nice) but the Point Is that i. Don’t Want To. i want my eye to be magically better without having to see someone about it

what makes it all worse is that the vacation im taking is to go see a Big Event. i bought tickets for me and my dad to go to Big Event and if theres genuinely something wrong with my eye, what if the doctor says not to go? that would be so bad! ive been looking forward to this for the past year and its next weekend!

like. what? i call the eye doctor, maybe they can fit me in on an emergency, and then emergency appointments always cost more and again No Insurance, and maybe theres something wrong and maybe there isnt but you have to pay regardless, and then even if there is an emergency slot, my only day off between now and vacation is sunday when my doctor Doesnt Work so i would probably have to ask my boss like “hey i know i have days off literally in four days but i Have To Go To The Doctor Right Now” and again shes very nice and would definitely understand but like. fuck man i feel nauseous

[nex-os98]

vent

physically ill with an unknown thing that keep me eating anything besides vegatables and water for the past 3 months, mentally ill, cant stand for longer than an hour wuthout getting faint, computer is broken, no irl friends, only in contact with 2 family members, and barely anyone talks to us.

im trying really fucking hard to keep going but idk it feels like its only getting worse. what the fuck am i supposed to do. current doctor doesnt do jack shit to help me and just perscribed me a medication thats $5k and doednt actually fucking know whats wrong with me, i have noone im utterly fucking alone and have been doing nothing but lay in bed and hope something good happens but its never been getting better.

trying to be fucking hopeful but how the fuck do i stay hopefull when being awake is pointless, i cant di anything but lay in bed and scroll on my phone. noone wants to fucking talk to me or hang out with me and all i fucming do is bitch and moan about my situation. i feel like i dont belong anywhere, everything is crumbling under me and only when i think im at the bottom i find a new fucking bottom to slam into.

what do you fucking want from me and i hate feeling alone because I dont want to need people, people are temporary and always has been.

its only going to get worse, and im only alive because people want me to, and being another traumatic even to people around me isnt worth it.

but im so tired of being alone, having no comfort, having no help, and having no reason to be alive.

i have fucking nothing, i have no interest in anything and i have no dreams, i dont know what i want to do with my futurr because i barely cant even fucking do anything for myself now. I dropped out of highschool because our mental health became such a fucking issue that we couldnt fucking do anything. i have flashbacks constantly and im constantly fucking upset. I just want it all to stop Im supposed to be the fucking strong one but im so fucking tired of being awake and alive, having nightmares and missing a home that never fucking existed and missing people that hurt us and made us like this.

we have nothing

i hate being weak and i hate everything about being alive, it feels like false hope trying to keep living but what else am i supposed to do. I cant do anything I cant eat anything I cant talk to anyone and i cant meet new people because every fucking time we do they fucking hurt us.

and the people who fucked us over and left us with less and less get to walk away freely and get to fucking live a life better than us, hell some of the are living out our fucking dreams while we're fucking stuck here. we've had everything taken from us and noone fucking cares

[finsterhund]

I take my ADHD meds, this morning, why? Idk I forgot that my doctor said I should only take them when I want to focus on something.

I take weed gummy evening because it is too hot and I thought that it might improve my heat resistance but I stupidly forgot it also does things to my brain. I want to chew things so bad.

I extrapolate the radial perimeter of the possible area where my grandparents farmhouse could be located based on silly little personal anecdotes and geological survey information and by manually cut-copy-pasting the scale index from a map until I get the length I want because I cannot do math. I google the furthest distance the human eye can see before needing to account for the curvature of the Earth. This is the absolute furthest distance that someone in optimal conditions on the open prairie would be able to see. I google the conversion of that into meters because they fucking told me miles for some goddamn reason and because I cannot do math. I make sure the copypasted scale index is that length. Approximately though, because I cannot do math. In order to achieve this I made the map scale index pieces into sizeable chunks that I could keep track of the totaling length of by continuing my trick of cut copy and pasting them in equal length pieces. I put a piece of masking tape on my screen and measure it out so it is that length because I stupidly decided to do all of this in MS paint and I can't rotate my special furthest-human-vision-distance scale index line on an angle. My roommate interrupts me because he wants me to buy doordash and I clench my jaw so hard my teeth make a popping sound. The piece of tape makes it way harder to order from doordash and he changes what he wants after I've already selected it. I take the tape off. I accidentally throw the tape away but not before I fucking cropped my screenshot of the map out of the larger size of screenshot that I no longer need to worry about. I have the goddamn radius. And have a rough estimate of the full radial of possible land. Technically I only need to worry about south and west areas of this circle. not north and east. Because I know that it can only be west or southwest of the one landmark. I now have one quarter of radial section of land where the farmhouse could be located. It is shaped like a piece of pie. Or like the captain health circles from the HUD of Pikmin.

I then derail my entire brain because I'm looking at the map and "hahahaha road go brrrrrrrrrr" and my brain DEMANDS on VIBES ALONE that the little homestead right off of the road (when it go brrrrrrrrr) MUST be the place. Why? I don't fucking know. The Force? Subconscious memory? The Spot Power?

It falls inside the fucking radial quarter though. Jesus fuck. But then my fucking browser crashes and I loose all 38 of relevant tabs containing five different maps. Fucking screaming crying throwing up. I still had my fucking little mspaint documents though thank fuck. So I manually find it all again right at the spot where I was. Then I go to the place where road go brrrrrrrr

So I zoom in and

YEAH FUCK BRO DUDE I THINK ITS THE FUCKING HOUSE IT LOOKS LIKE A HOUSE AND IT HAS TREES WHERE I REMEMBER BEING TREES AND I SWEAR TO FUCK. I MEAN I CANT FUCKING FLY SO I DONT HAVE STRONG MEMORY OF BIRDSEYE VIEW OF THE HOUSE I THINK I SAW A PHOTO OF IT FROM THE AIR LIKE FUCKING ONCE BUT BASED ON THIS TINY ASS GRAINY LITTLE SATELITE IMAGE I FUCKING THINK THATS IT. IM NOT GOING TO ASSUME I KNOW THIS WITHOUT A SHADOW OF A DOUBT BECASUE THE UNIVERFSE LIKES TO FUCK ME SO IM GOING TO TRY AND GIVE FAIR ASSESSMENTS TO OTHER POSSIBLE SITES IN THE DERMINED AREA BUT MAN. HOLY SHIT.

My fucking browser keeps fucking crashing as I write this but turns out the only good thing about Tumblr site updates is that the auto draft feature seems to work. Sometimes. On desktop.

There is food here now but I am focusing 👀👀👀

I really need to eat though I fucking bought this with money not even technically in my bank yet I fucking deserve this wait a minute why the fuck didn't my roommate pay for the food? Also going camping on Monday.

So I think I may have finally found the farmhouse. 🥺🥺🥺🥺

I drew it on my phone because my computer crash again

[thebadtimewolf]

uh anyways i'll leave the toxic tenrose tag when yall leave the martha jones or tenmartha or the bear, the sleep hollow, the flash the selfie (because ive seen that shit there too) tags alone, how about that?

just a reminder: the tardis didnt take ten and martha to joan crawford, seventh doctor did by default for the chameleon circuit on a whim. because even joan said it! THE RACIST WOMAN CALLED HIM OUT ON THAT TO HIS FACE!

its the only two parter where its literally in your face that it was the DOCTOR that put MARTHA in that situation, not the tardis.

because just like falling in love never occurred to him, so was this entire scenario.

he fell in love with the same racist twice out of fobwatch familiarity and the only reason she didnt notice was because seven landed in april 1914 and ten in november 1913 - a whole year earlier

after all time and time and time again, the doctor lands somewhere with the pre-set location to avoid his past and future selves

but its even established by HIM that he is taking martha to places that he has already went to with people before her. not the tardis: himself.

so dont dance around about s3 ten's actions just because you happen to think of how he treated martha is blown out of proportion when it isn't. At all. BY HIS OWN ADMISSION mind you. "I traveled with Martha, I ruined her life" WHATS NOT CLICKING????

he couldve set it to modern-day by evidence of where he took martha because that shakespeare ep? His rolling of the eyes? HES ALREADY WENT THERE WITH ROSE AS NINE BUT SHAKESPEARE WAS OLDER and was contantly attempting to physically assault rose Meanwhile Shakespeare younger not doing that? Keeping his hands to himself? Flirting with both of them?! Yeah, no that 'dr didnt take them there, the tardis did' ALWAYS FALL FLAT WITH S3 BECAUSE TEN LITERALLY ADMITS HES TAKING HER TO PREVIOUS LOCATIONS MULTIPLE TIMES. the tardis only did that with lazerus, 42, blink, the utopia three parter (utopia, sound of drums, last of the time lords) and THATS IT but even in the first ep of season 3, ten showed he can pilot it with ease like a snap of his fingers. He can go exactly where he want to go. She didnt give him a time, she said this morning and he guessed. The whole point of season 3 is to show why tenrose doesnt work if the direct separation of you and her is being just as an excuse to be a dick AND RUNAWAYBRIDE?? BEING THE FIRST ONE BEFORE SEASON 3? he was mourning rose but it was CHOICE TO FLIRT TO ACTIVELY SHOW ATTRACTION TO ACTIVELY BE A DICK by his own admission. despite still showing attraction to martha the whole run. the entire run. the reason he yelled the reason he put that arms length was never because of rose. twice. THRICE SINCE 12 PUNCHED THAT GUY BECAUSE HE KNEW BILL'S CONCERNS WAS THE SAME AS MARTHAS BUT HE TOOK BETTER CARE OF IT THAN TEN.

THATS WHY NONE OF THE LATER INCARNATIONS OF 12 AND 13 LIKE 10 AT ALL. 13 constantly avoiding saying roses name by new writers - yeah no shit. Its tens fault why we dont actually have a 13rose. Hell, 11 made fun of him to his face and we chalked it up as them being lads.

its because ten is a hoe. why else do you think he was fine with just giving rose a human him? thats essentially a sentient body pillow of a hand that can give you kids. if you like. because that man was always for the streets unless rose locked that human him down quickly QUICKLY.

my god yall really out here fighting for dust of a ship. tenrose is dust. ninerose gave us FOOD. FOOD AND WATER.

ten took away yall one arguement with rose: oh shes poor thats he loves her. NO SHES NOT. SHES RICH. SHE BECAME A DAUGHTER OF A MULTIBILLIONAIRE AT THE END. SHE IS THE RICH.

SHE WOULDVE JOINED ON THAT STUPID SUBMARINE BECAUSE SHE HEARD THE TARDIS WAS RUMORED YO BE DOWN THERE AND THEN DIED WHAT IS NOT COMPUTING WITH YALL WITH THE TENROSE SHIP

did we all not watch turn left after realizing rose is rich? that she got the torchwood job on petes world because her new daddy owned it? like jackie works there? what is she doing? what is her job there quickly quickly i need to see makkari levels of speed here for the those receipts besides 'oh theyre the owners wife daughter and the guy that looks like the other guy that spedrun the invasion by his presence alone so give them what they want to shut them up' go GO

even the tech. mirror tech. thats just oceangate predetermined cmon. rose is rich now. because i know they made more dimension cannons because jackie AND MICKEY had one too but rose CHOSE TO LET A NOW POORER THAT S1 ROSE DONNA TO GET HIT BY A TRUCK and she let sarah jane amd ianto die???? girl gtfo AND THEN TEN PROCEED TO GIVE HER CRUMBS LIKE HE ALWAYS DID WHEN SHE CAME BACK.

sick. sick thats what tenth dr is. sick. and now 14s gonna be like: 😤 i miss yaz *mopes about yaz* and yall are gonna be like: no he should only mope about rose im not racist but he should only mope for rose even those thats still racism but its not bec—

giving the exact energy as billie piper's second ex-husband. gtfo

and by the way gifmakers that also act like this in every interracial ship that directly counters your umpteenth yt hetero ship that ive seen in literally every era since silent pictures: the correlation of those that ship it just as toxic as you to the point of sending you anon hate if you gif anything outside of that and the ones who are bluntly stealing your gifs and reposting as their own on the likes of twitter with no credit IS THE SAME MOTHERFUCKERS YOU ARE TRYING TO GET REBLOGS FROM. THE SAME ONES. THE SAME ONES THAT WILL NOT ASK IF THEY CAN USE SAID GIFS AND VIDEO (if you are a video editor). THE SAME ONES THAT ARE TWO FACED. do you know how many i had to stop reblogging from because the one who stole it ruined it because it was very clearly that they became racist like that was the natural next step? and weirdly - very weirdly for half of said gifmakers - are swifties. its fucking weird that they are also swifties and racist (hey like 🤬the triple k🤬) and certain type of gifmakers and steal from other creators without permission.

anyway. what was i saying? oh, yeah.

sit the fuck down. shut up. and actively try actually try to make an season 3 ten arguement without sounding like you are racist (just like yall always are with interracial relationships where part of the ship is a yt fave x poc) and failing bad at not being so.

yall been like this since 2010. it has not changed. "i can do better, i can redeem myself by learning to be better" you did worse. the goal was to not do worse. you did the complete opposite and did worse as soon as the metal walls creaked inward. and just like the boy who didnt want to be there and getting killed anyway, so is half of those that defend you completely within the dark that you put them in. just like your ship feed you dust and crumbs, so too you do onto those that stand beside you.

christopher eccleston is right, as always, - it should only be ninerose.

*me continuing to beat up tenth doctor with a cricket bat while an anon is going to think this whole post is about rose just absolve tenth doctor of the blame he is rightfully owed in season 3*

[tears-of-boredom]

My room door has its hinges on my side so youd have to break the door to get in. I think i can hold my side if im awake. Im kinda paranoid. But i guess i have basis in that. I have a reason why i feel so stressed in this house. Even though i shouldnt. I should have no reason to have to keep a knife in my room to feel safe. And i think she doesnt see that i have reasons. I think that she thinks im just angry at her. I think she thinks i dont answer her because im mad at her. She thinks that i would want to keep my door closed when she comes in to talk because then the cats can get in. She thinks i care.

My sister sent me a text earlier. It was actually yesterday. We dont really talk to each other, just relay information when needed. She said that she wants for me to leave as well for the weekend so she and her friends can be totally alone. It wasnt in a rude way or anything. She said that she had noticed how closed off ive been for a while, and that shes pretty worried about me. That if there's anything she could help me with, she would. She said that she cant help if she doesnt know how to, and asked if i could respond. Then a hug sticker....

..........

......

Last year, I would've been so happy to get that message. I knew then that my sister cared about me, and that she would listen if I opened up to her...but it never felt right, it was always like i would be needlessly ruining her mood. That text read to me like a direct invation to share things. It read like I would make her day better by telling her how I've felt all this time.

........but...

I dont know, somewhere there was a tipping point...past that point, i dont feel redeemable, or frankly, like a person. Her words also mirrored mother's words pretty closely, so it makes me afraid that her other words would do that as well.

I feel like any help people will try to throw on me, will just go to waste. Not even the jokey "im employing people" excuse does anything for me anymore.

I needed saving when i was in fucking 2nd grade.

.....what if i got the wrong diagnosis....what if thats why none of the therapy or other aids work....i know that its impossible to fake an autism diagnosis, i know......i also remember how i still thought i was fine, how i was actively playing down every problem i had....whenever i stepped into the doctors room, i took on this persona....the good patient.......

........i just remember the red couches in every room.....in my head, i was just entertaining the adults.. they wanted to do all this to me, and me telling them i dont feel like it helps me, or that i dont see the point in it,, it didnt convince them. So i played along, while convinced i was alright, convinced from the start that none of it was going to help.....

...i was still bottling up all my frustrations, because if you ignore it, it goes away. Talking back will only lead to more conflict. I let the adults mispresent me, not like i cared, it wasnt going to work either way. Since the adults are better at knowing whats good for me, maybe theyre better at knowing me as well huh.

......i remember feeling really guilty, sitting in the waiting room and looking around. Seeing these other kids who had real problems. I felt like a faker. I wasnt supposed to be there.....

.....thats kind of how i feel about life..like im a faker, and that im not supposed to be here....

Last sunday, i was just asking the whole time in my head "why?", "was this your plan?", "did i do something wrong?", "is this what you had always planned, or did i make a choice that altered it?"......

..........

.......i wrote the tags before all the shit from my sister's text onwards..this wasnt supposed to be another one of these posts, just a quick "lol i hate it here"..... i hate it everytime i insinuate that i have trauma. I mean every. single. time. Its the same with any problem that i see as "real". I'll say i have something a couple times, but then the guilt catches up and i feel like ive been lying....its catching up from my "aspergers" diagnosis.....the fact that the diagnosis is called that makes me feel even faker.....i asked about it one time, about why they used the "outdated" term, and the reasoning was that "its just an older term for autism dont worry, it means the same thing"......

...........

......my fuel has kinda run out by now.....my tears have dried completely.....i dont know how else to end this....sorry for posting this. I know its shitty of me to say that and post it anyways, i dont know why i do this........

[samthecookielord]

Alegreya: fun fact, her initial reason for wanting to take alice with her was because she saw a doctor and was like "sweet. free healthcare" and made an empty promise to defeat the necromancer so alice would join her. Over time though, she started to actually care about alice as a person, and appreciate the fact that alice was looking out for her at all

If Alegreya were to become a recruitable companion, I think you would have to pay her meat first lol. and maybe at first a bunch of her level up events are paying her more meat in exchange for improving her stats, until eventually you dont have to pay her meat anymore because you've grown close enough <3 and she even starts getting back meat for you

Carimus: He wanted to travel alone, especially since he had done Boring Springs last out of the three protags in 2b1ew, so half of his options were already on the road lol. Gary happened to be not killed by the others, so he kinda just started following Carimus around. Idk, maybe he smelled funny lol. And carimus just couldnt get Gary to leave him alone, so Carimus just begrudgingly let Gary tag along. Plus, Carimus was already fluent in goblintongue before Boring Springs so thats a bonus.

He would be so hard to make your companion. You would have to encounter him several times in wander events until finally you get a stat check where you ask him to tag along with you (AKA pov youre gary sfdjhkfhsdjkskfjdhkdsf) I think he'd also be one of the only pardners that follows you into el vibrato rooms and comments on them. he levels up when you defeat el vibrato drones

Maggie & MBC: bunching these two together since they both share a companion (Obie obie obie obie obie). The main reason why they started traveling with obie is mainly because maggie and obie instrument buddies what more can i say. And also the whole thing of obie helping maggie figure out instruments in the first place since flo didn't have any experience beforehand lol. and then when mbc starts getting hashtag evil, obie stays despite his hobo instincts telling him to book it because he doesnt wanna leave maggie to deal with this alone. also technically mbc gets an additional companion (molly) for when she splits up to do mainly mob stuff but i havent really thought much about that

theyre probably really easy to get to be your companions, just be friendly to them lol. theyre a two for one btw <3 mbc is the one that actually does stuff in fights.

Bonus bonus: I DO HAVE A !!!! OC THAT IS INTENDED TO BE COMPANION its jimmy <3 they are so so so nice and friend shaped. you probably find him in like gray county or something. hes just in the middle of nowhere mopping the floor lol. or maybe you specifically find him at the uhhh hellstrom factory place? i think thatd be funky. you could either beat him up and miss out on jimmy companion or you could pass a low mysticality check to realize theyre not actually here to hinder you in any way lol.

it would go similarly to this post but not exactly because i just set that post in like a hypothetical void with no setting in mind. fun fact i actually made that post into a thing you can play but theres like a high chance the site wont even load lol and also its one of those wips you just never get around to finishing

his main weapon is a shadow mop which deals spooky damage AND is effective against shadow creatures. main attack is just smack opponent with mop lol and other action is to leave a puddle in front of a party member, which causes an enemy to slip and take damage before they do their attack on that party member

anyways vignette 1 would be at government valley actually, where jimmy puts in his 1 second notice of resignation and escapes narrowly, which boosts his speed. and then second vignette is at sit where they get the janitor job they actually wanted! this unlocks a third action which is uhhhh idk probably something cool

jimmys ending would be he simply explodes the shadowcaster because hes so cool and awesome /j

WEEK 4 QUESTIONS - COMPANIONS

Hey guys it's another week and things have been a little crazy maybe lol... Here we go for this week's question though! Companion centered!

Why do your characters travel with their companions? If not limited to the game events, how would their first meetings have gone?

As a bonus question, what events would need to happen if your character were a recruitable companion?

Bonus bonus: Do you have any OCs that could be companions? Tell us about them!

[blxetsi]

do you write for zeke? if so could you please do some boyfriend!zeke (modern au) hcs? thanks🥺

tysm for requesting !!!

modern zeke jaeger dating headcanons

lowercase intended !

zeke jaeger x gn!reader

- biggest tease ever.

- i think you two wouldve started off as friends to lovers yk 😌✨

- v funny v teasing will make fun of you no matter what

- but its all lighthearted and you can genuinely tell hes joking and doesnt mean what he says

- hes a coffee person. all the way.

- almost always seen with a coffee in his hand

- after you keep stealing sips of whatever hes got he finally just caves in and will bring you your own drink whenever he sees you

- if you dont drink coffee, but prefer a sugary drink or something he'll tease you about it

- hes a very relaxed person and doesnt get jealous, hes not someone that will go balistic and get angry when you hug a friend he doesnt know or whatever

- also would be really cool with your exes if youre cool with them, like "oh yeah i remember you telling me abt them, congrats on your engagement btw" just a very civil man

- if he does have insecurities about your relationship he just kind of, wont say anything ???

- not that he doesnt want to he just doesnt know how to bring it up

- bae pls learn how to talk abt your feelings 😁👍

- anyways after a little bit youll notice somethings wrong, but he'll try and act "strong" bc thats what he thinks hes supposed to be for you

- baby no u can be vulnerable its okay 😐🤚

- he finally lets everything go and has a really long and progressive conversation with you about everything, and you guys work it all out !

- you assure him its okay to be honest and that hes always welcome to talk to you about how hes feeling and his heart just swells

- im also a firm believer in that zeke genuinely doesnt care what you look like, if he finds you cool he finds you cool, he dgaf

- poc ?? he loves you. plus sized ?? he loves you.

- if you even THINK of being like "lol im insecure" hes shutting it down and talking abt how beautiful he finds you

- hes also someone that likes to push you out of your comfort zone, but in baby steps ?? like hes not going to force you to do something when you say "zeke im genuinely not comfortable with this" but if youre very shy he'll try and help you kind of,, not be as shy (hopefully this makes sense 😁👍)

- also loves to cook with you.

- his favourite types of dates are just when you two go to each others' homes and just cook dinner together ?? maybe drink some wine while you chop vegetables and work together (if you drink obv, if you dont he wont drink either even if you say its okay)

- he thinks it makes the food taste better because "it was made with our love" yeah ok ig 🙄🙏

- his family is really cool !! his dads a doctor and his step moms a social worker, and theyre really nice people !! his younger brother is in college but after a while he grows to love you like a sibling

- his mom lives a couple hours away, so he only gets to see her during holidays, but shes a very kind woman who owns an art shop !

- hes a very family oriented man, and really likes that you like his family and vice versa, he thinks its really important that his s/o and family get along

- when hes with you he sees himself being with you for the long run, im talking marriage and kids (if thats what you want) but definitely marriage

- if you two had different friend groups i think it would be hard for either of you to kind of fit in with each others friends, but after a while you two get the hang of it and it gets easier to see them !!

- is the kind of guy who'll wake you up with kisses on your cheek 🤩

- also likes to spoon you or have your head on his chest. will NOT be the baby spoon no matter what.

- also the kind of guy who dramatically stretches and yawns in the morning

- likes it when you hold his hand, even if you guys are just sitting together on the couch watching something, its so simple and subtle but it makes him really happy

- if you have an office at home that you work in a lot, he'll come and check on you when it gets late. will just rub and pat your head and ask what youre working on, and ask if youll be done soon

- if youre stressing on something that needs to be done THAT NIGHT he understands and will just leave you to it

- when you come to bed late it wakes him up but hes glad it does bc then he can pull you into his arms 😌✨

- zeke has very warm hands, to the point where sometimes theyre sweaty and clammy, so when you have a stomach ache or cramps he has no problem just laying down behind you and rubbing your stomach where it hurts

- if you have a weird interest or hobby he wont discourage it as long as its not hurting you or anybody else, he'll try and get into it to but if he cant no harm done, he'll respect it and you

- i think he would have some acne scars on his cheeks from highschool (puberty am i right 🙄😤⁉️) and thats one of the reasons why he has a beard, just to make it hard to see

- its mostly bc hes cool though, and although he started growing it out BECAUSE he found the scarring weird, as hes gotten older he just doest care anymore

- if you think he looks hot clean shaven he'll do it for u, and he loves the compliments you give him

- zeke is the kind of guy that will flip through the tabloid magazines at checkout

- "babe did you know that jennifer lawrence has a dark secret ??" "i- i did not 😁"

- also the kind of guy that will laugh if he sees kids falling in public

- if he was a father he'd help his kid up obviously, but would do it while giggling the whole time

- has dad handwriting (u know what im talking about)

- everytime he calls his brother he answers with "hey asshole" ??? brotherly love 🙈✨

- is very into horror films, but ONLY good ones

- so like hereditary, midsommar, and black swan are some ones he loves

- the kind of guy that has captain crunch for breakfast every morning

- theres this guy at the law firm he works at that he has a "rivalry" of sorts with, his names levi and from what youve been told hes actually very intimidating ??

- loves to read and will read to you if you ask, would have you in between his legs with your back to his chest on the bed, and he'd have one hand in yours and the other holding whatever book you choose

- zeke needs to be in complete darkness to sleep but needs to have a room as bright as possible to be productive. so every morning after he stretches and gets out of bed hes immediately opening his curtains and letting light into the room because "its the only way he'll actually get ready"

- if he was ever to pop the question he'd do it alone at a very mundane time, just like "wow this is the moment" and ask you to marry him. doesnt matter if he has a ring or not, hes ready, and he realizes this, and he finds the beauty in just doing something so simple with you. hes content and happy, and you make him see life in things he hasnt before, and hes ready for the commitment that comes with marriage, and hes in love with you.

hope u all enjoyed 🤩🤩🤩 asks r open so request if ud like !!! okay love u all stay safe 🤩

[enderspawn]

op I am pleading for you to talk about c!Schlatt I keep getting interrogated for saying c!Schlatt was the best president and he really didn't do anything super terribly wrong please talk about him

i mean... im sorry anon but idk abt best PRESIDENT. manburg under schlatt.... kind of sucked imo JFKDLSJFKL

1. manburg had massive food shortages, to the point the average citizen (including fundy) had to eat spider eyes to survive.

2. he imposed ludicrious tax of his civillians (namely niki. we dont know if he did that to Every Business like w fundy or if he targeted niki specifically bc of her closeness to the ex-president, but neither is good)

3. exiled those who he saw as political opponents to keep his power

4. straight up ignored his cabinet a lot of the time to make his own decisions (such as destroying the white house, which led to quackity leaving)

5. was widely hated by all the citizens. literally at one point all the ppl left in manburg was schlatt and jack manifold (who was MIA on the server and left to found Manifold Land when he came back)

6. held a public execution, AGAIN without the consent or knowledge of his cabinet (IF I REMEMBER RIGHT. i know big q opposed the execution at minimum, but idk for sure if he knew it was planned at all before the festival)

7. was basically at war his entire presidency thanks to pogtopia's existence

and thats just what i can think of rn! the reasons i like c!schlatt are fully based around him as a character and HIS personal development, not around his policies or actions. especially when compared to the other two presidents, who either won or prevented a war and kept the majority of its citizens happier and healthier than Manburg, he's.... probably the worst president they had tbh

BUT since you gave me an excuse to ramble abt him anyway, i wanna go on abt what i DO like abt him (under a cut bc this post is already kinda long oops) but

tldr; i like schlatt bc of his relationships with others, his flaws and pitiable moments, and how he is a fantastic parallel/foil to the characters around him

I like his complex (and yes, abusive) relationship with quackity, especially after his death and quackity's feelings flipping rapidly between hating him and missing him. but before that they did have a honeymoon-esque period-- at least from quackity's view.

watching their date you get the idea schlatt mightve never really been interested in him and mightve just been using quackity's interest in him for his own advancement! but we dont know.

maybe he did truly love quackity in his own fucked up way in the end, even if he wasnt a good person. maybe he regrets his actions and cruelty. or maybe he doesnt.

in the end they were (like the animatic i linked said) "built from the same dirt", they're both incredibly ambitious and prideful people and parallel each other a LOT (see: q's need for power, his want to execute ranboo paralleling tubbos execution, etc). they're not good for one another, but i love seeing just how they fall apart together (i hope you die, i hope we both die kind of beat)

and.... god his relationship and impact w fundy i could ramble abt all day dude. fundy kept schlatt's sword after his death and calls it an heirloom. we dont know 100% how old fundy was when wilbur was exiled (i mena... he ran for president but current fundy is like 20something and tommy ALSO ran as vp at 16) but we can assume he was a late teen. his own father was gone, but schlatt... seemed to CARE. he showed him affection.

fundy's never truly felt like hes BELONGED anywhere (even the country his father said was all for him, he felt ostracized and made different by his fathers doting babying) and because of that hes always looking for a group to be a part of. hes a people pleaser (its part of why hes so easy for big q to get for las nevadas).

and schlatt GIVES him that feeling of belonging he deserves. hes a spy the entire time, yes, but he becomes conflicted about it as time goes on.

could schlatt just be using fundy and filling his head with empty praise? sure, i couldnt fault you at all for that interpretation, its perfectly valid. BUT, i dont think so. he seemed genuinely shocked to see fundy oppose him on nov 16th. remember, he didnt know fundy was a spy.

in that moment he realizes just HOW alone he is and always has been. and its a tragic moment: the last person he had, the person he himself mightve truly CARED about left him just like everyone else. he was alone, truly and fully. even his allies were only there out of obligation and bc of him paying.

he knows his health has been failing him. he cant even swim due to muscular issues but he refuses see a doctor about it because he refuses to let himself be seen as weak.

hell, one could argue that issue leads to his abraisive and abusive behavoir in relationships: he refuses to let himself be true and genuine to anyone, there always has to be a wall and a proud perfect persona. its part of why hes a great villain both in narrative and to watch as a casual fan: just like c!wilbur, he's playing an act.

hes a foil and a parallel to wilbur. both are men who hide their true selves behind a certain role or persona they feel they have to play while they hide their crumbling health (schlatt's more physical and wilbur's more mental). both experience their rise and fall. but wilbur isnt despised, even if he thinks he is, while schlatt isnt truly loved by anyone, even if he thinks he is.

most of all, their deaths couldnt be more different. wilbur went out with a bang. a large dramatic scene fit for a storybook, with a long monologue and cinematic final blow ALL made to fit how he saw himself in a story and simply filling a required roll. but schlatts death is practically overlooked (especially in comparison to wilburs death and everything else that happened that day).

he built his entire persona about being this massive, larger than life powerful guy but he died small, weak, and frail to his own failing body. its... pitiful, honestly. it doesnt feel fitting, it feels wrong. his life up that point demanded drama, but his death was nothing more than... an accident, almost. unintentional. clumsy. its fucking brilliant.

[an-army-of-nightmares]

Porcelain Jekyll au

-

This is gonna be long so heres a tldr

TLDR: Jekyll gets taken to a sort of real nightmare party full of dolls, if he misbehaves they'll kill him and if he's a perfect gentleman he'll turn into a doll. There's a branch where he's rescued and two where he turns into a doll

--

•The au starts with Jekyll going to sleep, timeline honestly doesn't matter as long as Frankenstein, Jasper, and Jekyll are all around. Could start where tgs currently is? But Jasper doesn't accidentally wake Jekyll up in his panic

•"The Party of Dolls" is basically a supernatural nightmare? I haven't found a better explanation but basically it's a nightmare that's real and happening, while still "just" being a nightmare. It takes you to like a different dimension while you sleep basically? (The party of dolls isn't the only one but that's not relevant)

•The dolls invite specific people, they invite people who want to be perfect. People who dont want anyone to hate them or find a flaw. Jekyll fits this perfectly

•Jekyll is taken to the party. He tries to be polite despite being unnerved. There's another human at the party, he doesn't learn the man's name before the man gets ripped apart by the dolls for shouting

The dolls target specific people, but they can still take "fodder", people they know will immediately break the rules. So that their actual guests can learn what happens if they are impolite. The dolls also surround guest on all sides, and have them in the exact middle, so that the guest cannot just run out

•Jekyll is terrified, now knowing he'll die if he does something wrong, he tries his best to be perfect

•Unknown to Jekyll, if he's "perfect" he'll start turning into a doll. Ultimately it's a die or die situation

•Jekyll does start to notice the porcelain creeping up him, its be hard not to. He is very much (silently) panicking. But,, the more porcelain on him the more calm he becomes, the more he acts as if this is a simple party and nothing is wrong

•Eventually he reaches a point where he'd actively resist being taken away from the party, but still not fully covered by porcelain

A quick note, Hyde can't do anything about the situation. He wasn't invited and the dolls are suppressing him so much he can hardly even tell what's happening, or leave the mindscape. He's absolutely terrified about this because he can Feel something is wrong and everything is just becoming more and more suffocating

Now onto the branches! There are 2 and a half branches for this au!

Branch 1: Jekyll gets rescued

(Assuming this takes place at Chapter 11 Page 8)

•Jekyll is asleep on the couch, Jasper rushes in the room like his panic on the page except this time Jekyll does not wake up at Jasper's sudden entry. Jasper, noticing Jekyll is asleep, silently contemplates on if this problem is really worth waking Jekyll. Because on the one hand he's probably overreacting in his mind, but on the other Jekyll is really the only person he can panic to?

•He decides not to wake Jekyll, and wait until it's properly morning or noon?, now that the panic is a bit subdued he probably still has stuff to ask Jekyll

•He goes up to find Jekyll is still asleep, and Zosi frantically pawing at Jekyll's chest, occasionally nibbling him, and seemingly really wants to wake Jekyll up. Jasper tries to wake him up but it seems no matter how hard he tries Jekyll stays asleep

•Seeing how Lanyon probably isn't in the Society at the moment (and besides Jasper is pretty sure Robert dislikes him) and he's currently avoiding Rachel. Jasper cant ask Jekyll's friends if this is normal behavior. Why doesn't he ask the lodgers? Maybe a combination of they all seem busy and still being a bit intimidated by them? So he goes to his last best bet, Frankenstein. She's, kinda a doctor and has traveled quite a bit, so she may know whats up with Jekyll and why Zosi is panicking

Note: This whole decision happens in like a few seconds while Jasper is panicking

•Frankenstein does not ease Jasper's worries

•Ah, I guess there has to be some sort of tell, something that makes it clear someone is in one of these "supernatural nightmares" and that Jekyll is specifically in the party of dolls. Idk yet what that tell would be. But Frankenstein knows and thats all that matters

•They take Jekyll back to the attic, lock the entry, and make preparations for a rescue mission

•Frankenstein will be going in to try and distract the dolls while Jasper will be looking for Jekyll. Creature is there as plan B in case the dolls get hostile towards them (as Creature is fully capable of lifting them all up and running out of there. And the dolls are very likely to get hostile towards them)

•They get in, how? I have no clue. But they do. Probably a potion?

•Jasper quickly finds Jekyll and tries to convince him to leave. Much to Jasper's concern, Jekyll doesn't want to leave, and keeps brushing the danger off

Frankenstein and Jasper dont know much about the nightmare. Its likely all they know is that its filled with dolls and people who are "invited" are never seen again/found dead

•Frankenstein's distraction consists of pointing out flaws in how the dolls act. The dolls keep finding excuses, but eventually become agitated with her

•Japser notices the porcelain on Jekyll and loudly panics, attracting the already agitated dolls attention

•Creature picks them all up and runs towards the doors. Jekyll is greatly struggling against this rescue attempt, but once they get out of the building and onto the stretch of yard before the exit Jekyll calms down significantly

Jekyll did not actually calm down, but rather Hyde managed to weasel control after they left the building. Hyde absolutely does not want to be at this party, and Jekyll's struggling could've jeopardized the rescue

•They get back! Whatever porcelain was on Jekyll falls off him with ease. He's angry for maybe half a day or more. But when the doll's control completely leaves him, he's nothing but relieved

Sidenote: It seems reasonable that this whole experience would leave Jekyll with a fear of going to sleep. Perhaps give him something that can deter these types of nightmares? A desire for the comfort of another person, at least in the room, while he's asleep?

Branch 2: Jekyll fully turns into a doll

•Well either Jekyll went to sleep at his own home or some place where no one would think to look for him, as if he was right in the society they'd certainly take notice that something is wrong

•Jekyll fully turns to porcelain. Once he's a full doll they give him new clothes (the sand/beige colored suit I tend to draw porcelain Jekyll in)

Previously, Jekyll had been wearing the suit he wears at any formal party, like the ball in An Army Of Nightmares

•Porcelain Jekyll gets back to the real world. This is not entirely out of the ordinary for the dolls to do. If a guest was reasonably young or famous they'll be returned once a doll, to make themselves more known or respectable before they "die" and go back to the party full time

•Zosi notices something is Wrong while Jekyll is asleep and tries to wake him up to no avail, Zosi can't bark for attention and he's scared of leaving Jekyll alone, the few times he does go out to find someone he's largely ignored or avoided, or they misinterpret what the zombie pup wants. When Jekyll does wake up, Zosi immediately notices that it's not Jekyll, at least not anymore. Zosi knows he's supposed to get rid of any evil creatures, but this was once Jekyll. So the pup runs away and avoids him instead

•ooo I dont want to describe this whole branch? This has already taken way longer for me to write then I want XD, just check out this reblog chain about it bsksndks

•

Branch 2 ½: Jekyll dies

•Jekyll fully turns into a doll, however instead of entering the real world his real body simply dies. He's found rotting in bed. "Jekyll" however, is still in the party. (Fun fact, this was the original plan for the au)

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Extra notes:

▪All the dolls in the party were once people, except for maybe one or two? A handful? But it has long since been lost who's who. And it never mattered

▪Lanyon would not have ever been invited to the party. He doesn't seem to want to be a gentleman, and he knows too much about etiquette to be fodder either

▪Jasper is a proper candidate to be invited, and in branch 2 "Jekyll" is giving him alot more lessons on how to be a proper gentleman, planning to invite Jasper to the party at some point

▪The party always has a host that they cycle though, the host talks to guests a bit more than everyone else

▪Porcelain Jekyll gets to keep his new clothes when returning to the real world

[throwingmuses]

need 2 vent about the shit show that was the doctors appt i had yesterday 🤩 cw for weight ment and other eating disorder stuff

ok so basically its been an extreme pain to get into this ed program because i need medical clearance (including blood work) before i can start bc the clinic isnt equipped to help treat medical issues. essentially i have to have a doctor order the blood test or else id have to pay out of pocket and order the tests myself (which i definitely dont have the money for rn), but the soonest appointment my doctor had available was over a month out. so i tried going to several of those walk in clinics and all of them gave me some convoluded answer essentially saying they couldnt help me. finally i found someplace that let me make an appointment with another doctor that was a bit sooner than my other one, so i went ahead and did that. i walked into it expecting it to be pretty brief, and i was confused at first why the doctor was doing a psych assessment when all i needed was a quick physical checkup??? but i was really tired and confused so i just went along with it anyways. from the second i walked in the doctor seemed very irritated and was acting rude for literally no reason. i tried to just let it roll off my shoulders because i desperately needed someone to just order these goddamn blood tests and sign a paper saying im good to go. but then, when she asked me my current height/weight, i told her that i was 5'4 and 120lb, to which she actually fucking responded by saying "Wow, you weigh more than me!" which was EXTREMELY TRIGGERING and has been fucking haunting me in the form of obsessive thoughts ever since. she also implied that my current therapist/psychiatrist wasnt very informed because shes a recent graduate when in reality shes the most knowledgable and up front psych ive ever had and this bitch who thinks shes the hot shit didnt even know that there were different types of bipolar disorder. clearly her "knowledge" of psychology as a whole is extremely outdated. anyways towards the end of the meeting, she told me straight up that the clinic probably wouldnt accept me because im at a healthy weight which is total bullshit because thats not how it works whatsoever and i was already ACCEPTED into the program regardless of my weight. ive had this issue a lot over the years with providers not believing that im anorexic because ive never lost a significant amount of weight and the worst medical issue ive had was having low potassium and almost passing out at work, and im forever fucking baffled as to why that is because i often eat less than 1000 calories per day. like im grateful for my body continuing to take care of me despite all of the hell i put it through, but just because im healthy on paper doesnt mean this shit doesnt terrorize me on a daily basis. anyways at that point i just fucking snapped (which is very out of character for me cuz im rather shy) and i told her that she had no idea what she was even talking about, that anyone with half a brain let alone a degree in psychology shouldnt talk to someone with an eating disorder like that (which she KNEW i had walking into this bc thats what the whole appointment was about), and explaining to her that the stress i have around food is ruining my life and preventing me from doing pretty much anything i want/have to do. after yelling at her she changed her disposition entirely and started acting like a dog with its tail between its legs which was pretty gratifying at least. i was like openly sobbing very loudly afterward tho and like everyone in the office could hear me which i found to be embarassing but Oh Well. then me and my bf talked to her supervisior and told them what happened and they were actually very receptive and apologetic so heres to hoping she gets fired (: also she wasnt even a fuckin doctor so the whole thing was pointless but luckily i got an earlier appointment with my doctor cuz someone cancelled But Yeah Ive Been Fucked Up Ever Since