#i always automatically believe that im wrong about every feeling in my body and every memory i have

[ritualvirtuality]

whenever i talk about any more difficult symptoms all my therapist does is ask me leading questions and then tell me that i need to figure out how to trust myself. literallt so unhelpful im not even close to trusting myself lol.

[yoooespinosa]

please do a part 2 for the draco fic where he rejects her i cant be left like that also would love for them to end up together

a/n: I feel like its rushed, idk. I didn't even like how the first part came out, so I had no motivation for this one. Im sorry, I tried lmao.

here’s part 1

"Y/l/n!" A voice just a few ways down the corridor called, the person you've been trying to avoid.

You increased your pace, dodging the people around you and their swinging bags they carried. You knew he called you out in the middle of a crowded corridor because it would be harder for you to get away, which only multiplied your irritation.

"Y/l/n!" He called louder, sounding closer, only making you walk away faster.

"Y/n." He latched onto your wrist, once you escaped the crowd of students, you groaned in frustration.

"What, Malfoy?" Turning to him and yanking your arm free.

He looked taken aback that you actually acknowledged him, unlike the incidents before. He sputtered, you almost laughed in his face-- because, Draco Malfoy, sputtering? You've never seen that before.

"If you're just going to gawk at me like a weirdo," Already turning away. "then I think I'll take my leave."

"No!" He said a little too loudly. Lower this time "No, look, can we talk."

You pursed your lips, masking your face with the indifference that he normally carried himself with. "We don't have anything to talk about."

Once again, you turned away, managing to get four steps in this time.

“Look, can i just-“ He cuts himself off when your steps don’t falter. “Y/n, please.”

You immediately pause mid-step. He sounded, desperate. You let out a silent sigh, slowly turning to face him, his eyes were burning into yours once you met them.

You stare at him until he casts his eyes downcast. “I’m sorry.” He mumbles.

“What?” Your eyebrows furrow, surely he doesn’t expect you to accept that pitiful apology. “I didn’t hear you.”

“I’m sorry, okay?” He snaps at you, meeting your gaze once again.

You raise you eyebrow at him, unamused.

“I’m sorry.” Once again, more sincere this time.

Yet, you couldn’t find it in yourself to forgive him, not right now at least. You didn’t care if it took a lot in him to pack up the courage and apologize, you refuse to let Draco Malfoy walk all over you again. He’ll have to earn your forgiveness.

You stare at him blankly for a few seconds, his cheeks flush and once again looks away from you.

“I bet you are.” A mumbled response as you walk away from him, just like you walked away from him on the night of his rejection, yet this time you didn’t carry the burden of a broken heart.

Lotus flowers. He somehow got you a bouquet of lotus flowers, your favorite. You’re not sure how he even managed to do that, with such flowers, but he did.

You couldn’t deny the way your heart fluttered when you looked up and met his grey eyes, shining with hopefulness, a few ways down the slytherin table in the great hall.

You hadn’t talked to him in a few days and he hadn’t seeked you out, a part of you was a little disappointed, but now that feeling disintegrated.

You actually haven’t talked to the three other slytherins sitting around him either. They apologized too and you reluctantly accepted, but still chose to surround yourself with other people, people who wouldn’t laugh at you behind your back.

“He’s really trying, isn’t he?” Tracey Davis chuckled softly from her place next you, gazing at the beautiful flowers you held in your hand.

“I guess.” You mumble, pursing your lips in thought.

“Well, are you going to forgive him or carry it out a little longer?” Milicent asks, with a smirk adorning her face, you already knew which choice she’d prefer.

You smirk back at her before swiftly casting an incendio to the beautiful flowers, you only regretted it a little, but it was all worth it once you saw the look on his face.

His mask crumbled. Good, i’ll incendio his flowers like he did my heart, you thought bitterly.

The next advance he made was when you were next to your favorite window, in the abandoned corridor. The sun was close to setting, making a beautiful orange tint cast across the corridor.

You heard footsteps, each once coming closer to you and you immediately knew it was him. You had felt him staring at you all day, each one getting harder to ignore. Especially the ones that were burning through your skull when you were around Harry.

But you never gave him the satisfaction of meeting his eye. You completely ignored him, as if he wasn’t there, as if you he was easily dismissible.

“Y/n.” He calls your name once he reached you, voice obviously trying to seem casual.

A noncommittal hum was your response, not bothering to look up from the book you had on your lap, still casually leaning against the wall, basking in the orange rays that hit you.

“Y/n.” His voice was softer this time, softer than you’ve ever heard before, making your head snap to his automatically.

In his arms were a bunch of your favorite sweets, you weren’t sure how he knew which you preferred. You raise your eyebrow in question.

“I know how you like to snack.” He mumbles, laying down the foods next to you, he rambles on. “I know you usually like to watch the sun go down by the black lake, but since it’s colder out i knew you’d be here. You were always the type that liked to snack a lot— i already said that, sorry...i brought your favorites.” He looked at you sheepishly.

You never seen him look so... shy. You were stumped, didn’t even know what to say. You just stared at the food next to you for a minute.

“Thanks,” You say slowly, still trying to process. “How did you know these were my favorites?”

He shrugged, half-heartedly. “I paid attention.”

You scoffed, that same bitter feeling washing over you for a second. “Honestly Malfoy, these attempts at getting at me are getting more pathetic each time.” You reused his words.

Regretting it immediately, when he flinched. Looking pained by it. You wanted to enjoy his pain, but nothing about it satisfied you, not anymore it seemed, not when he’s so clearly trying.

He gave you a washed-out smile, “I hope you enjoy them.” Then walked away, you listened till you could no longer hear his footsteps.

You were walking side by side with Harry, desperately trying to listen to the story he was telling you. His hands were whisking in the air, adding dramatics, and every so often he’d have to push his glasses up. You would usually find this amusing, but you were distracted.

Draco had been doing nice things for you all week. You were trying hard to hold this grudge you built, but with you each soft smile and saddened eyes he sent your way, your resolved crumbled.

The butterflies hesitantly coming out their cage.

And he did seem sorry, truly he did, you were so close to forgiving him. You don’t know what was holding you back anymore.

You met his eyes from across the corridor, his eyes softening once meeting yours, then hardening a second later when seeing who was next to you. Yet, he kept his path to you.

“May i talk to you?” He asked softly, not acknowledging Harry, who stopped his animated story.

You looked at the green eyed boy next to you, he took the hint and turned down the opposite corridor. “Yeah, sure.”

That familiar streak of hope flashes through his eyes as he led you down to the gardens to the bench that you loved to occupy.

“I wanted to say i’m sorry, again.” He said once you both were seated, your knees knocked against his when he turned his body towards you.

You nodded, signaling him to go on.

“It was wrong for me to treat you like that, to say those things.” He took a deep breath. “I was stupid, i took advantage of the best thing that ever happened to me. You were always so good to me, treating me with kindness that i didn’t deserve. Will never deserve.”

“Dra-“ He cut you off gently.

“No, just let me get this out first.” He placed his hand over yours timidly, when you didn’t pull away, he interlocked his fingers with yours. “You did things for me that no one else has ever done. I was flattered at first, when i first realized you liked me, i didn’t think you could ever like me. You’ve always been so beautiful, i never thought i would have a chance. But then i find out you liked me. I got the prettiest girl in Hogwarts to like me.” He shook his head, letting out a humorless laugh.

He continued on, “It got to my head obviously, i thought maybe if i shown my interest, you’d realize that i wasn’t as great as you thought me to be. It was so dumb of me, to act like i didn’t like you, i actually got myself to believe i didn’t.”

He moved closer to you, “I understand if you don’t forgive me, i don’t deserve it honestly. Fuck, i wouldn’t even forgive me. But, i would regret it if i didn’t at least try.”

He brought your interlocked hands closer to him, kissing the back of your hand, “So this is me, putting my heart out there, either for you to break or hold in your hands. Please forgive me and give me another chance, that i don’t deserve?”

You didn’t even know your eyes were tearing up until one slid down your cheek, before you could wipe it away, his thumb came up and did it for you.

You didn’t answer, you just placed your lips on his. Caressing his lips with your own, feverishly. Pouring out every emotion into him. He kissed you back with just the same passion. Bringing his hands to your face, caressing his thumbs on your flushing cheeks, tilting your head back as he controlled your lips. Bringing the kiss to a softer pace. Your hands played with the hair on his nape, until he pulled back.

“So, was that a yes?” He breathed a laugh, you could still see the vulnerability in his eyes.

“Yes, of course, you idiot.”

“Yeah?” He was smiling ear to ear.

“Yeah,” You kissed him breathless once more, then pulling back. “but first you have to get me another one of those bouquets.”

“Anything.” He states softly, placing his lips back on yours, as if he’s done it for years.

[damonsalvahoes]

Fezco x reader

Warnings:swearing and just a bunch of fluff

Authors note: this is my first time writing a fan fiction so it might not be the best but I tried. I don’t know how many people like fez but he is my favourite character in euphoria and I though it would be cool to do a fez x reader fan fic where the reader is upset because they don’t like their body image so fez cheers them up. I hope you like it !!

Y/n pov

There I stood. Looking at the image in the mirror. I’ve never hated something so much in my life. All I want to do is just lay in bed not worrying about anything but that won’t happen. I’m supposed to be seeing fez today but I don’t think I want to. All I’ve been doing all morning is crying and I don’t know why I’m so emotional I’m never emotional. But here I was crying over something so fucking stupid.

Fez pov

I’m happy I’m seeing y/n today. I haven’t been able to see her as much because of the amount of runs I’ve had to do. Ash has been a big help. I just want to lay in bed by her side cuddling up to her and forgetting everything and everyone besides her. Her smile lightens up my day no matter what of the circumstances and I love her truly for that. She brings out something that no one has in me before. I’m gonna go round y/n soon she knows I’m coming round so there’s no reason to text her.

Y/n pov

I was just laying in bed sulking when there was a knock on the door I don’t remember anyone saying they were coming over today. I quickly wiped my red cheeks and opened the door. Shit it was fez. I forgot about him coming over this soon.

Fez pov

She opened the door and automatically I knew something was wrong her soft cheeks were a rosy red with tear stains on them and her eyes were bloodshot red. “Shit are you ok” I’ve never been good at showing affection so I just said what came to mind. Y/n stood there looking at me for a good minute before letting out a low sigh. “Yeah I’m fine it’s just a sad day you know” she said slowly. She was lying. I could always read y/n like a book ever since we were young. I stepped in and closed the door and turned towards her.

Y/n pov

He stepped in and looked into my eyes holding intense eye contact. He knew I was lying. Fuck. “What’s really wrong y/n/n” he said waiting for an answer. I was debating on telling him or not but I just decided to say because either way he would find out. “Fez do you think im pretty…”

Fez pov

I stood there stunned by what she said. How could she say that to me of course she is I’ve never seen anyone as gorgeous as y/n before. She’s one of a kind. Her gorgeous long hair,that pearly white smile and that laugh oh how that makes me feel is mental. “Why wouldn’t I think that,y/n,your the most gorgeous person I’ve ever seen there’s no one else like you. Do you not think your pretty”

Y/n pov

I stood there not sure what to say. I don’t know whether or not to believe if I am gorgeous or not. I slowly nod my head answering fez’s answer and I could see the disappointment on his face. He lightly grabbed my cheeks and pulled me forward into a slow but loving kiss. It was like we were the only people on the world. No one else. Just us. I was quick to retort back to the loving kiss. We were there for a while before fez pulled away.

Fez pov

“I love every part of you y/n/n I may not show it but trust me I do and there is nothing wrong with you.” She looked me in my eyes and placed a soft peck on my lips and wrapped her arms around me into a tight cuddle. I picked her up,wrapped her legs around me and walked to the bed. We laid down for the rest of the day just cuddling and talking about the smallest things. That’s when I realised that this girl is my world and I would do anything for her…

[weirdmageddon]

five years too late let’s analyze this. the commentary has gotten me back into gravity falls reigniting thoughts and insights i came to years ago

i love everything about this commentary in general it hits the points of humor, genuine analysis of the characters, but most of all im so glad hirsch addressed that the droid not detecting any fear from dipper here doesnt make any scientific sense because that was a massive CinemaSins moment for me

IDK the fact that dipper can fucking stand after an airship crash because theres a bigger threat at hand is literally one of the defining capabilities owed to adrenaline lol...... IM SORRY im a biopsychology student if i dont point that out iwill seethe and die because that was just . its a grudge ive held for a long time about this episode but didnt rant about because it was something so minor and i’m sure nobody would care.

i was 13 when this episode came out and i’m almost 19 now, i had a special interest in biology and i still do but now i’m actually having college classes in biopsychology so i can give my arguments more oomph now. and i have to say, now that i know more about the brain and autonomic nervous system the more this scene bugs me, if that was even possible. and it says a lot of dipper and ford’s relationship.

if dipper clearly wasnt calm before, why would he be now just because he’s put up an outwardly confident facade? before he was in the flight but now hes in the fight. my boy just rode on top of a spaceship by nothing but a magnet gun that could detach at any time if it failed and then the ship crashed, he sustained injuries, is in emotional turmoil because he thinks his uncle is Fucking Dead and the threat of a security droid that detects adrenaline is on his tail and produces a Big Fucking Gun in response to dipper saying “i hAvE a MaGNeT gUn” and hes screaming and has his teeth clenched but sure there’s no adrenaline coursing through his body in that moment i can totally believe that

when dipper asks what happened, ford says “the orb didn’t detect any chemical signs of fear, it assumed the threat was neutralized and self-disassembled” but i don’t think measuring someone’s heartbeat alone is particularly relevant in detecting ... chemical signs of fear?? they dont really tell you this shit but noradrenaline (and maybe adrenaline too if the acetylcholine from sympathetic outflow always activates the adrenal medulla??, theres two pathways) is always active in small quantities to make sure your parasympathetic nervous system doesnt slow your heart to dangerous levels on its own, regardless of your emotions. it’s just a homeostatic mechanism. your sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems are CONSTANTLY modulating control of your organs on a see-saw, literally with every breath you take. simply standing upright causes specialized mechanoreceptor neurons in blood vessels to signal your brain to project signals to release catecholamines via the sympathetic nervous system to constrict your blood vessels so that blood is able to reach your brain and not pool in your legs. i have a deficiency in my body’s ability to adapt to this which is why i know so much about it. if i stand up my heart races to compensate. i’m not feeling fear, my body is just adjusting—albeit grossly and incompetently lol.

but what im saying here is that the security system is flawed. it’s a cool idea to have security droids detect fear, but in practice by detecting adrenaline, and not even directly by detecting the molecule itself—it’s done in a roundabout way by reading the heartbeat, could be a recipe for false alarms. like what if someone’s on beta-blockers. that’s not really an adequate way to measure “fear”; there’s so many variables that could interfere with the measurement the farther you abstract from what you’re really trying to detect. and besides, adrenaline is NOT just a sign of fear, it’s just for preparing the body for action. i know the sympathetic nervous system and adrenaline is constantly linked with the “fight-or-flight” reaponse to a stressor, but 99.9% of the time the sympathetic nervous system is used in your life is to balance out your parasympathetic nervous system to maintain homeostatic equilibrium for mundane things.

i think detecting amygdalar activation would be more efficient in detecting fear. the amygdala sends projections to the hypothalamus which then in turn modulates the autonomic nervous systems. but the amygdala is intensely activated specifically in response to a fear-inducing stimulus (it does activate in response to other emotions but they’re mostly negative and is most activated by startle and fear), and wouldnt be highly activated by many other confounding variables like measurement of the heartbeat could be. the amygala is one of the first stops directly from external stimuli.

to show you how integrated the amygdala is as the first step in registering fear after receiving input from sensory stimuli let’s look at the auditory-amygdala connection for example

see how the auditory thalamus projects to the primary auditory cortex and auditory association cortex? the cortex is where conscious awareness of what the stimuli is comes from. this is the “high road”. it goes sensing -> perception -> emotional response. but sometimes you can be startled without even processing what it is you’re sensing, like the startle response of an alarm or a phone ringing in a quiet house before you even register what it is. this goes sensing -> emotional response, without perception happening until after you’ve already felt the startle. that’s when it takes the “low road”. here’s a simplified version:

even if that were the case with these droids though it’s obvious dipper is still fearful on some level here. his body language, voice, expressions all give it away. for the amygdala, aggression isnt too off from fear so it would be detected equally.

the reason this is so important is because ford uses this as evidence for why dipper is special, “i did it?” “you did it. this is what i was talking about, how many 12 year olds do you think are capable of doing what you’ve just done?”

but like....did he really? i’m not saying this to shoot dipper down or make him out to be more of a wuss, he was incredibly strong-willed here and i dont want to take that away from him because it WAS growth on his part. but the underlying psychophysiological reactions of aggression and fear shouldn’t be that different and this was a total asspull. maybe the droid was so old that it fucked up. maybe dipper being covered in grime and dirt made it harder for the droid to measure the correct heart rate through photoplethysmography (im assuming since they use a camera and are non-contact).

and in all honesty everything i just said brings into question the interpersonal healthiness of ford’s judgements, what he thinks, his expectations, and how he communicates that. in this video alex already talks about how ford is projecting onto dipper. and i think ford may be projecting his expectations for himself onto people who are not him, and the fact that it’s on dipper here makes it far more unfortunate. you realize how much this boy idolizes ford, right? how much impressions matter? dipper even tells himself before he leaves in this same episode, “all right dipper, this is your first big mission with great uncle ford. don’t mess this up.”

even though it’s unstated, the implicit message dipper is perceiving from ford based on their dynamic is: “do you have what it takes for me to be proud of you?” and to accomplish this he must be like ford, even though he’s clearly not and he knows this. he says “i don’t think have what it takes. i was tricked by bill, i was wrong about stan’s portal, heck, i can’t even operate this magnet gun right.” then, by simple chance without even knowing what he did, he activates the magnet gun and pulls out the adhesive, which immediately takes the focus away from what dipper was telling ford about his feelings of inadequacy to ford saying, “yes! dipper, you found the adhesive!”

these thoughts of dipper’s hang in the air without resolve or comment from ford. we don’t know what ford would have said. but it then becomes painfully self-evident in the scene immediately after when the droids emerge and ford tells dipper, “they’re security droids and they detect adrenaline. you simply have to not feel any fear and they won’t see you”, to which dipper replies with an exasperated (and rightful) “WHAT?”

dipper goes in a panic trying to indirectly tell his uncle that this isn’t something he can do. and he is completely right and valid to be freaked out by that full stop. that IS crazy. you can’t control your fear. you can control how you interpret that fear in your higher brain regions but the physiological changes will stick around for longer than it takes to cognitively calm down. it’s easy for me to detach from my emotions to analyze them, but being able to do this does not come naturally for everyone. even i have an irrational fear of wasps and i can’t control it by detaching myself, my body is just automatically primed to get the fuck out of there. i know it’s stupid and i know it’s irrational and isn’t helpful to get myself worked up but i literally can’t stop how my body reacts no matter how i cognitively think about it. expecting composure from dipper in a situation like this when he’s being made to consciously be aware of his anxiety is absolutely fucking insane. look what you did, placing these cruel expectations on him, now he’s afraid of being afraid! this isn’t a case where two wrongs cancel out, they just stack on top of each other.

there’s a good reason these scenes were put side by side but it seems up until now it had remained unanalyzed.

what dipper fears from ford is disappointment. not living up to his uncle’s (quite frankly badly placed) expectations for a twelve year old with anxiety. not once did ford say or subliminally communicate “i don’t expect you to be able to do what i can since you are not as experienced as i am and that’s perfectly okay, no judgements”. you don’t put a child on bike before training wheels. you don’t throw a kid into a swimming pool without giving them swimming lessons. the way ford is doing it, there’s no room for trial and error or mistakes that are an opportunity to grow and learn; instead, it’s life or death. he only seems to pride dipper on what he can do while ignoring the underlying struggles that plague him and never making it known it’s okay for dipper to fail in front of his hero and that he won’t think anything less of him for it.

and that’s why i found the ending scene for dipper and ford’s adventure in this episode to feel so.. wrong. on a scientific and social level. because by the sound of it ford focused more on what dipper had done to dismantle the droid (the droid not detecting any fear) instead of how dipper displayed love and protection for him even if he was truly afraid. what if the science was accurate and the droid detected adrenaline while dipper was confidently standing up for his uncle. would ford still be proud of him regardless?

[mitsukui]

Hello! I have a request, if that's alright! So a george fluff smut where you were being very insecure of your body in general, and george tried his best to be as loving as he could during sex (praising, kissing every spot, being very gentle) and trying to prove to you that to him, you are the most beautiful person that he would ever love hshfksjf im so soft for georgie but yeah here's a rough idea! thank you 🥺

Hey, anon! Hope you’re doing well ✨ Of course that’s alright! Please, feel free to request whatever you want, whenever you want to. I’m always here, ready to make you guys happy somehow! I loved this request, and it hit me so hard because I’m honestly so insecure about my own body 🥺 I hope this can make you feel better somehow and, if you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here! Thank you for the request! Sending you all the love in the universe ❤️

Explicit content below!

He felt your walls clenching around the only finger he had inserted in you and groaned involuntarily at the sensation. His eyes fell upon your naked body, and George felt his cock twitching inside his underwear, which its fabric had a wet stain on it. With precum freely leaking from his tip, his brain produced impure and lustful images, where you could be seen under him, one of his hands around your neck.

Although he was in a daze, caused by the way you squirmed at his touch and your breathtaking body, the young man with fiery locks furrowed his eyebrows as soon as his eyes captured your hands attempting to cover bits of your skin.

His movements suddenly came to a halt, a trail of frustrated whines escaping your lips weakly. He propped his body up by one of his elbows, and his eyes were gentle when they looked at you.

"Why do you have your hands over your body, love?"

Dizzy due to the still fresh pleasure, your eyelashes fluttered, and you opened your eyes; chocolate brown ones easily found yours, exactly like he could so easily read you whenever there was something wrong.

You did not want to say it out loud. You felt embarrassed for feeling it, and for being like that. For having that body of yours. And, deep down inside, you were afraid of saying it out loud because it could make him realize it, too.

George Weasley, the man who had lived in your dreams and heart for so long, could at last realize you were not beautiful.

You fell silent right beside him, and he was unhappy with it. A faint idea of what could be bothering you came to his mind, and a pang of pain hit his heart sharply.

As a couple who talked about every and anything, you obviously have talked about it before. He was aware of your insecurities regarding your body and your looks, even though he could not understand any of them.

In his eyes, you were magically beautiful. Ethereal,almost. Sometimes, it was hard to believe you were real, and his. There was not one single little thing he disliked about you. He adored you wholeheartedly.

George pressed his lips against your temples as he scooted closer to you. He felt the sheets underneath his body moving along with him, and the softness of it brought a certain comfort to him. But nothing compared to being close to you, being yours, and reminding you he was utterly in love with you.

He made the decision not to talk about it. He would rather show his love through his actions, the way he allowed his own hands to roam your mesmerizing body, and how he would make sure you would feel his love slipping through his lips and falling on you.

George started by doing small things, such as running his fingers over your jawline and capturing your lips onto his in a slow and slightly sloppy kiss. Self-consciousness still profoundly tormented you, but it was almost impossible to focus on anything other than his tongue swirling around yours. He knew exactly what he was doing, what he was hiding behind his thoughtful moves.

He wanted you to feel beautiful, desired, and loved because you were. He loved you so, so, so deeply.

Sloppy kissing led to some of the salivas mixed dripping down your chin. He pulled away and studied how the transparent liquid created a delicious contrast with your skin tone, and his intoxication became evident even to himself.

Your face was held by his slender fingers with the most delicate touch he could pull off, and you sighed dreamily. He could dominate you in ways you had never even imagined.

His warm tongue ran over your chin, cleaning whatever was left of your kiss before going down to your collarbones. While he nibbled your soft skin, his fingers traveled down to your hard nipples.

A gasp echoed in the bedroom you shared with him, and you obviously tried to get away from the intimate touch, fearing he would see you through your own eyes. Noticing your reactions, his two hands held you down by your hips, and he hummed against you.

One of his hands kept you in the place where he wanted you to be, and the other continued playing with your sensitive nipples. Soon enough, however, it touched your wet cunt.

As he circled your clit slowly, the initial contact from before the train wreck being restarted, you felt a bit of your worrying vanishing away. His voice whispered sweet nothings to you, and how he had been bewitched by you for so long, ever since you were two stupid teenagers in Hogwarts. Your ear shell was being lovingly caressed by words like 'I have never loved anyone as much as I love you', and 'you take my breath away by simple existing'.

He ran his thumb over your cheekbones as pleasure invaded your body, but his self-neglect somehow managed to interrupt your combination of loathing and lust. In a bold move, which you did not understand how it happened, you engulfed two of his fingers with your mouth.

Once more, his cock twitched, and he moved his fingers on your clit at a new and faster speed. At that moment, though, there was nothing more important than making you feel his love; he could take care of his erection later.

You moaned against his fingers, your tongue running all over his milky and lightly calloused skin, and your cheeks being hollowed to create a bit of pressure.

It did not take long until you were cumming on his fingers, your orgasm blanking anything negative and self-deprecating that existed inside you.

Automatically, when you were back to Earth after your high, you used your hands to cover your nude and trembling body. It did not go unnoticed by him, but he chose to finally use his words.

"My love, please, do understand this: I adore the very parts of you that you have forgotten how to love."

Masterlist!

Tag list! ❤️  @efyra​ @writingsomewrongs​ @pineapplesandpinas​ @ronweaselysslut​ @fiction-is-the-new-reality @hufflepuff5972

[starryseung]

bang chan + smut

☾

requested; nope! word count; 1.5k warnings; fingering, overstimulation, oral (fem receiving), unprotected sex

you know you’ve met hands with the devil himself when you signed those blood red papers with bright gold ink, the pen almost trembling between your fingers. demon!chan knew the thousand thoughts littered around your mind, but chose to keep quiet as he smirked through it all, hands clasped one above the other behind him.

you sigh and drop the pen next to the papers, looking up and around to see everything slowly morph into darkness; blood, fire, everywhere. your television and refrigerator are replaced by bright lava, spluttering everywhere. the smell of a rotten something lingers in the air —you can’t pinpoint if its eggs or a dead body— and looking up, you notice how your roof is replaced by the dark night sky filled with red and black dragons which was, just a mere minutes ago, spring blue sky with pigeons flying in peace.

“so, uh, i’ve signed the papers—”

“very well, y/n!” chan exclaims, holding the delicate pages carefully between his fingers as he moves close behind you. the atmosphere was already hot, but chan's breath dancing on your neck was hotter, the faint smell of chocolate and vanilla from him filling your lungs.

“so the deal is sealed. let me do the honours of walking you to you— my apologies, our room; may i?” he cocks an eyebrow, smirk never leaving his lips. he extends his hand forward for you to take, but you’re too full-of-ego to hold it, walking right past him.

that’s when chan knew he hadn’t gone wrong with his choice of picking you. he had hundreds of desperate females trying to get onto his good side, doing anything to please him. there were ladies trying to impress him, flaunting out of their homes to sign the ‘devil’s contract’ in a tight black dress, some even going as far as wearing red heels and devil horns. chan never liked those kinds of women; they were just a trial-and-error method to reach out to you — the real win. and now that you were finally wrapped around his little finger, he didn’t mind how you behaved around with him; he knew he had you all for himself.

he meandered close behind you, nudging you when you were going off the track to his room. as you went closer and closer to his room, the rotting smell started fading away, replaced by the intoxicating fragrance of just chan. the sweet vanilla and chocolate musk dominated your senses, almost as if you were under a spell. you didn’t realize when chan walked you into a dimly lit chamber, the interior looking all-too-familiar to your room. you take note of your neatly stacked clothes in one corner of the room; ‘wow, this is really serious business, huh?’ you think, licking your lips as you slowly feel yourself automatically comfortable in the room.

“yeah babygirl, it’s all serious business once you’re in the devil’s room,” chan chuckles, his expression morphing into a serious one, quirking his eyebrows as he leans closer to grab you by the waist, kissing you. 

you expect the kiss to be rough, full of lust, blood and greed; but surprisingly chan went at just the pace you wanted. not too fast, not too slow, just simply perfect. his tongue pushes into your mouth fluidly and right at that moment, chan tugs you to fall onto the bed, your back cushioned by the soft duvet underneath.

chan lies on top of you, soft lips abandoning yours as he moves lower to your jaw, bringing the skin between his slightly pointed teeth to softly nibble at it. you’re too sensitive at this point, almost down to tears when he grinds down on your clothed core with his bulge, pressure on your neck overwhelming you to the point your vision is clouded. the moan bubbling up your throat makes chan smirk against your skin, your grip in his hair tightening further.

“can i,” he kisses a light pink spot which’ll soon turn dark purple, “continue with this?” he asks ever-so-quietly, you wouldn’t have noticed it if it weren’t for his sudden soft eyes staring down at yours.

you’ve signed the devil’s contract, goddamn it. why was he asking you that? wasn’t signing the contract already enough of a sign that you desperately wanted him to fuck the living daylights out of you?

your small trail of thoughts is interrupted by chan attacking your shoulders, swiftly unbuttoning your white shirt as he moved lower and lower to cup your breasts in his hands. he fondled with your clothed nubs, grazing the pads of his thumb over your nipples to drag another moan out of you.

“babygirl wants me to fuck the living daylights out of her?” he mocks, smiling against your shoulder. it hits you almost like a freight train when you realize he can listen to your mind, and you’re trying to scramble for your thoughts to come together, but it’s nearly impossible when chan can listen to anything you’re thinking about.

a soft giggle is heard, before he moves his plump lips lower and lower until he’s facing the waistband of your jeans. pulling them harshly so they’re off, he admires your squirming form under him, and he trails a finger up your thighs and right against your clothed heat, circling where your folds should be.

a choked moan leaves your lips and you arch your back just the slightest, chan's fingers rubbing slow circles on your covered cunt. he grins at how the fabric gets wetter and wetter, and he brings them aside to look at your glistening pussy, smirking before licking a thick strip from the base above; making you involuntarily shudder under him. 

he brings a hand around your waist to hold you down, soft lips rubbing on your clit. his tongue darts out and pushes against the bundle of nerves, and you can all but clutch the soft sheets beneath you tighter, sucking in the warm air of the room. he lazily laps his tongue and lips against your dripping heat, humming occasionally to run shivers up your spine. 

he pushes a finger between your folds, letting out a guttural groan against you as you clench around his appendage. your juices easily coat his digit as he thrusts them inside your hole, curling his finger to brush over your sweet spot deliciously. needless to say, you’re a moaning mess under him, a thin layer of sweat giving you a brighter sheen under the dim lights of the room. without wasting time, he inserts a second finger, thrusting it faster in you as you keep fidgeting under him, wanting more.

his fingers gain momentum, the tips pressing at your sweet spots every time he pushes them knuckles deep. a particular flick of his tongue against your clit paired with his fingers perfectly stretching you out made you arch your back, fingers almost tearing the sheets to shreds as you come around him, splotches of red and black clouding your vision. 

but chan doesn’t stop, pushing a third finger in as you clench around him tighter, yelping as the stretch increases, setting a burning pit in your core. he thrusts them slowly, and deep down you know you can’t take it any further, but just then chan pulls out his fingers with a pop, getting onto his knees. you aren’t given enough time to register the sudden halt of his movements, when chan's length prods at your slit, making the air knock out of your lungs.

you inhale sharply when his thick length pushes in, movements steady as his hands wrap tight around your waist. you’ve had sex before, but chan's cock filled you up to the brim, as if it was up to your stomach.

your pussy clenches around him, perfectly squeezing his length in a way he had never experienced before. he groans, losing the last threads keeping together his resolve as he snaps his hips into you. you’re trying your hardest to not scream, but all attempts are thrown out the door when the demon brings your legs a tad bit higher, the angle making him reach deeper into you.

you know you’re so close you can taste it, but voicing it out isn’t an option when all you can get out is babbles and moans. luckily chan's there to help you out, bringing his fingers down to rub circles on your clit, and just the slightest pressure has you coming around his length, clenching around him uncontrollably.

chan doesn’t take much longer either, thrusting into you twice, thrice, before spilling his seed in you, such that even after he’s pulled out, you’re left feeling full.

“babygirl’s okay?” he questions quietly, taking note of how exhausted you were as you tried catching your breath. you nodded slowly and he smiled, grazing his thumb over your temples and down your cheeks. you keen into his warm touch, the faint fragrance of chocolate and vanilla still lingering even under the smell of sweat and cum.

he plops down next you, bringing the covers up to your chin before snuggling next to you under them. you remember he had told you once how he was a softy under his demonic self but you always failed to believe him, until now.

you could now only hope; signing this contract wasn’t going to take a toll on you.

—

a/n; this, for some reason, took me 3 days to finish :’) i hope it was worth the wait im so sorry sjhdjshdjs

taglist; @joengni @cherryeol04 @lomlminho @bruh-changbin @yooniversalstudios @ann0325441904 @yourdaddychan (message me if you want to be added!)

[heavenaintaniceplace]

so i found my mother’s copy of the jw (new world translation) bible and i decided to yoink that shit for disposal but not before i realized there is a lot of lines highlighted in the book from when she was being manipulated by the jw lady that convinced her to do “bible study” for years. and what do you know if the lines the lady had my mother highlight weren’t the same lines that jws use to justify their cult beliefs! all the lines are cherry picked, no actual study, just the lady manipulating and priming her to accept their beliefs by presenting so called “biblical proof.” so here is some of the things that stand out before i finally rip this thing to shreds and through it away.

literally the whole book replaces every instance of the tetagrammaton with “jehovah” because they want people to believe its been “removed from the bible thousands of times because they don’t want you to know the true name of god”. the whole thing is translated with an agenda to make them look right and everyone else wrong and to make people believe they have some secret hidden knowledge (they don’t they’re liars). putting this under a read more because its very long.

heavy TW for everything related ro religious trauma, the jehovah’s witnesses, bible passages and christianity. incredibly long post. i plan on burning the jehovah’s witness copy of the bible, no joke.

the imago dei part of genesis to try and convince her that humans were super special to god

genesis chapter 3, the serpent convincing eve to eat the fruit of knowledge so that she would accept their version of the original sin doctrine and that women are cursed

chapter where cain kills abel to convince her that this was the first murder in human history (obviously incorrect)

highlighted the part where god kills everything on earth with a flood to groom her into expecting god to do it again later and seen as fair and just and part where god “gives” noah every living creature (because fuck other organisms apparently)

part of leviticus where (in their version) theyre like “no soul must eat blood” (what the fuck) to justify not allowing life saving blood transfusions

deuteronomy part about “jehovah being one” to justify being non trinitarian (they don’t believe jesus is god or that the holy spirit is god, this is meant to lure people who are already christians away from their denoms and into theirs)

“thou shall not kill” is highlighted for some reason and i don’t know why

highlighted job 1:12 to emphasize that they believe satan is in control of the world because god allows it and job 26:7 that has a note saying “the earth hangs there” when talking about sheol to convince her of where earth is relative to “heaven” and using a bunch of “face of the waters” creationist language to make it vague as possible. job 27:5 to make her believe that “no one is righteous” and that saying so is sinful

part in psalms that assures that “wicked people will be no more if you just wait a little while longer” (this is the apocalypse imminent narrative they use to groom people with fear of dying or leaving but also to get them warmed up to the idea of mass death). “the righteous will inherit the earth and live forever” narrative so they believe that jws will live on earth forever after being resurrected while everyone else (whos not a jw) is killed by god

psalms 91 to drive home the fact that these people think theyre invincible in every meaning of the word, to natural disasters and disease etc

proverbs 6 part about “false witnesses”. jws believe that three jehovah’s witnesses have to be present to verify that a crime (like domestic or sexual abuse) actually happened or the governing body and elders don’t care. literally. the “false witness” narrative is used against survivors and people they want to silence in their organization and emphasizes how much jehovah hates “false witnesses” aka people brave enough to talk and victims

proverbs 12:18 about “wise and unwise tongues”, basically anyone that speaks out against the jws are “unwise” and harmful

proverbs 22 about raising children (”train up a child”, if you don’t know it already this is a child abuser dog whistle) that implies that indoctrination will last until adulthood if done right. this is especially bad because this copy is from the early 2000s when i was in kindergarten. this woman had been lurking on us since i was an infant.

proverbs 27 about how neighbors near is better than brothers far away. the implication here is that fundamentally family who aren’t jws don’t matter

ecclesiates 5. i genuinely think its warning people to not ask too much of god or risk his anger, thats the vibe im getting here because the wording is confusing as fuck

isiah 40:22 trying to hammer in the notion that god is greater than anything especially “worldly” governments (except the governing body ofc /s). isiah 43:10 the “you are my witnesses” to justify the name “jehovah’s witnesses” and shoehorn the idea in

daniel 2:40, the idea of an indescribable kingdom, the whole kingdoms in the “last days” conspiracy they use to convince people the “last days” are coming

matthew 4:8 where jesus is persuaded by satan by offering every kingdom on earth. the point in text is “don’t worship anyone except god” but the point of the jws is that nothing on earth actually matters

matthew 6:9 (nice), the our father, meant to make the reader to ask god to hasten the kingdom of god or as we ex-jws know hasten the apocalypse and the death of people they dont like

matthew 16:24, meant to convince people to leave everything behind and join the jws, “disown yourself” aka “die to yourself” toxic bullshit repackaged

matthew 19:9, to convince people that divorce even in instances of domestic abuse is wrong because the governing body won’t allow it and loves to control women

matthew 24:4-14, “anyone who doesnt speak for the jws is a false prophet” and warms people up to the notion that war is necessary; also that evidence of war is a sign of the “last days” and that this is supposed to be good news. ongoing war and the hope for global genocide is “good news” to them.

matthew 24:21. this one is meant to make people feel the apocalypse could happen at any time and to be afraid of it, a great war is coming and only the “chosen ones” (jehovah’s witnesses) will survive when everyone else dies. there’s a paper bookmark on this page. makes me wonder.

mark 8:34. the “die to yourself” bullshit, the idea that the cross was a “torture stake” because jws believe that wearing crosses is idolatry and they want other people to believe their quirky beliefs so they accept heavier things

matthew 10:28, “anyone who follows jehovah and jesus will literally live forever!” but also that “no one is prepared to leave their family for jesus and thats shameful because you should want to sacrifice your entire family!”

mark 11:24 “anything you pray for earnestly you get”. this is spiritual bypassing btw. and :25 “ask for forgiveness and be automatically forgiven no matter what you did” is also fucked

matthew 15-23: jesus (almost) gets wasted while being crucified etc, not sure why this one is highlighted unless im missing some jw bullshit here

luke 20:27. don’t understand this one but they’re threatening “heavier judgement” on people

john 5:28, promising resurrection through jesus after people die but only for the Good tm people (the jws)

john 6:15. how jesus is about to be arrested but goes to a mountain. dunno why this on is underlined

john 11:24. bringing home the same “jesus will save you from dying if youre a jw” bullshit. john 14:6 “jesus is the ONLY way ever! there can’t be anything else except jesus” indoctrination tailored to make you co-dependent. john 17:3, hook line and sinker of promising resurrection and “eternal life” again

john 17:15. here is the “we aren’t of the World tm” shit meant to make you feel outcast from everyone else who isnt a jw, setting up “the world” (everyone else) as other

acts 15:25. “follow the jw rules because the holy spirit you to”

romans 10:10, spread jw beliefs and witness as much as possible. romans 12:9 “hate everything jehovah hates so you’re not a hypocrite” basically means hate other people the jws don’t approve of

corinthians 6:9 (nice but not so nice this time) “anyone we don’t like won’t inherit the earth” translation: anyone we don’t like won’t survive the apocalypse thats definitely happening soon so always be afraid. “homosexuals” are changed to “men kept for unnatural purposes for this one.” still homophobic.

corinthians 7:6, the idea that everyone has a gift that needs to be exploited and used by the jws

corinthians 15:33. “don’t participate in any activities with any outsiders because it will lead you away from jehovah!! fun is ‘drunkenness’, you’ll loose your resurrection if you do!! non jw people are bad influences!!”

2 corinthians 7:1. your body and flesh is defiled, you need to be cleansed in order to be good

galatians 5:20. “having human emotions is sinful! struggling is sinful! being angry is sinful! having a bad day is sinful!” basically that being human is inherently wrong or something

ephesians  3:14. tries to make people believe everything is owed to god only and that obedience is good so they fall for cult power structures later. 4:28 here is just the top of the page being labeled “new personality” and thats all we need to know about indoctrination and cult personality vs actual personality. also “let not the sun set with you in a provoked state” being used against people still angry about being wronged and hurt by others and its been used against me a lot of times

ephesians 6:4. make sure the jw fathers provide the most discipline to children, literally uses the phrase “mental regulating of jehovah”. it couldn’t be more cult like at this point.

timothy 5:8 makes people believe that men alone are expected to provide and if they don’t they’re worse than “those without faith”. no pressure though!

timothy 6:19. wants people to neglect everything actually happening in favor of the “real life” (”eternal life”) instead and to constantly prepare for that instead of actually living life. dedicate your whole life to jw activities

titus 2. women need to be subjects to their husbands but also homemakers, live to glorify their husband, chaste and definitely not mentally ill or showing any symptoms. what the fuck is titus i never heard of this shit until today.

hebrews 1:7-14, trying to convince people that angels live to serve god but also has some superseccsionist/replacement theology (antisemitism) vibes going on

james 2:23, wants people to believe that god “putting people to the test” is actually a way to become “jehovah’s friend” and that being put to the test (read: suffering) is actually a good thing because it primes them to accept suffering as their fault later on. james 4:7 “everything evil will vanish if you rebuke it long enough!!”

peter 3:9 the “god’s timing is always right” gospel bs and encourages people not to do things themselves but to wait and also that jehovah will be on time when its time to start another global genocide. how encouraging! peter 3:13, the same “end of world near” scare tactic, “new heavens new earth” promise to eradicate everyone the jws dont like as that is jehvoah’s “promise” to the witnesses

1 john 3:8, their version of the original sin doctrine, the devil is the source of all evil scare tactic etc

short detour: every instance of “servant” is replaced with “slave” in this version. it makes me feel ill.

revelations 7:16, wants people to believe that god will take away all their pain and that they won’t need food or water to survive anymore (bullshit). also the jehovah’s witness 144,000 chosen people bullshit is here too but not highlighted

revelations 12:7-13, a depiction fo michael drop kicking satan and the implication that satan has always been in charge and not god because they want people to believe that. also that the devil will fall to earth and try to eat jws

revalations 14-4: virgins get dibs on heaven and god i guess. i dont know what the fuck is going on. 14:6 an angel yelling fear god from above, probably where the jws get most of their apocalyptic imagery from that they use to scare children into believing they could die at any minute

so now that we finally got to the end of that mess, their version of revalations ends with jesus saying “yes, i am coming quickly” and “may the undeserved kindness of jesus christ be with the holy ones.”

joking aside, everything highlighted in this copy of this book has been used against me and my mother for years and is a huge part of the reason i have religious trauma now. everything she was told or encouraged to highlight aided jehovah’s witness indoctrination and propaganda, her own indoctrination and eventually mine which apparently started even earlier than i thought.

[peach-pops]

Hello! Do you remember "Dating a Hothead/easily angered girlfriend" blog from anonymous? Can I request for Akaashi, Kageyama, Ushijima, Sugawara, and Tsukishima of how will they react to their s/o? Thank you! I really really really love that blog! It really reminds me of me of being sassy 😂. Anyways, sorry for bothering you *bows*

Author’s note: UGH Im so sorry this took me so long to get out! I only did Kageyama and Akaashi cause I wanted a bit of a contrast hope that’s okay! Also, I wanna point out that there’s nothing wrong with defending yourself, even if things do get violent. I don’t condone violence I’m just saying to protect yourself in the best way possible! 

Here’s the first part!

Akaashi and Kageyama with a Hotheaded Girlfriend

-Akaashi-

Akaashi knows how angry you get so he always does his best to try and make sure everything goes smoothly to avoid any casualties

BUT Akaashi can’t control every little thing and he realizes this fairly early in your relationship

I’m a full believer that Bokuto loves raves and clubbing and because of this, he usually drags you and Akaashi along

One night you three and a couple of other Fukurodani members are out clubbing and immediately, Akaashi surveys the room: where are the exits? Where’s the bathroom? Which group looks like trouble? Where did his girlfriend and best friend go???

He spots a group of girls near the bar that are a part of a bachelorette party who are a bit rowdy but he kinda brushes them off cause there’s nothing threatening about six girls wearing cheap wedding veils

You guys get your own private table in the corner ( bless Konoha and his connections) and after an hour or two of drinking and dancing, you take the initiative to go buy the next round of drinks cause that’s just club etiquette and you’re lowkey ballin

Let’s get it miss independent !!!! 😤 😤 😤

Akaashi offers to go with you but you tell him to watch Bokuto cause he might bust his head from dancing on the table

Once you make it to the bar, you decide just to order a pretty expensive bottle for the table because you’re not confident in your ability to carry six shots back without spilling it everywhere

You pay for the bottle and start making your way back to the table when you see the bridal party from earlier hanging out at your table. You see two girls laughing side by side with Bokuto (ok my dude get some) BUT THEN you search for Akaashi and sure enough, you see him visibly uncomfortable as the ‘soon to be bride’ tries sitting in your mans lap.

Akaashi looks up and he’s conflicted cause he wants your help to get this drunk girl off of him but he also knows you’re crazy and you might kill her in the process

“ Your hair looks so sexy pushed back! Has anyone ever told you that before?”

“ Please go away, my girlfriend is coming and she won’t be happy-”

“ Aw girlfriend? No fair why are the cute ones always taken?”

“ Aren’t you getting married?”

You’re gripping the bottle so tight in your hands and Akaashi can see it in your eyes that you are soooo close to hitting this bitch over the head with the bottle

He already knows exactly what you’re thinking and he’s pleading with you not to just with his eyes

Would you kill a girl over sitting in your mans lap? Yeah probably I mean you were fucking crazy

BUT since you could see how serious Akaashi was, you loosened your grip on the bottle and placed it on the table. Before the bride could even look over, you had already lightly nudged pushed her off of Akaashi’s lap and sat down on your boyfriend as if to claim him

“ What is your problem, you didn’t have to push me!” The bride whined as she got off the floor but you kept your glare on her

Akaashi squeezed your thigh to try and calm you down but maybe it was because of the alcohol so you just clenched your fists even tighter

“ You’re lucky all I did was push you. I can’t believe you’re about to get married and you’re trying to straddle my fucking boyfriend!”

Akaashi can feel how tense you are so he sits you on the inside of the booth so he can be in the middle between the girl and you. At this point, you’re sitting next to Bokuto and he’s laughing nervously cause he’s never seen you act like this before but he’s a ride or die so hes automatically team Y/N

“ Are you threatening me?”

“ Yeah, I am. What are you going to do about it?”

“ Y/N stop-”

“ Yeah, listen to your boyfriend bitch.”

“ WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING A BITCH?!”

Before you can lunge over the table, Akaashi keeps his arm out and blocks you from doing so. He turns to the girl and bows his head, trying not to let his own anger consume him,” I think you should leave.”

“ And what if I don’t want to?” The soon to be bride pokes bitterly as she attempts to wrap her arm around Akaashi’s shoulders,” what is your girlfriend gonna do, hit me?”

She’s right, you can’t launch yourself across the table and your arm doesn’t have the reach but you had alternatives. You grabbed a half-drunken glass of some brown rum and you flung the alcohol into the girls face

Everyone at the table was SHOCKED, lowkey including you cause you didn’t even mean to throw the drink in her face it just happened YOU SWEAR it was just an instinct

Who could blame you I mean you were so mad plus you had been watching so many compilations of “ Best Housewives Fights from Bravo” that it was the first thing you could think of

Akaashi, bless him and his brilliant mind, immediately blocked your body with his because the soon to be bride tries climbing into the booth to beat you up and Bokuto also has a protective grip on your wrist to stop you from killing her

LUCKILY before you could spill any blood, security comes and forces the girl to leave your table

At first, you thought Akaashi was mad at you so you kind of pout and tell him how sorry you were but Akaashi doesn’t even care he just makes sure you’re okay

In his head, he knows maybe you were in the wrong for pushing the girl but he would never admit it outloud cause he values his life

My heart swoons for this man

Bokuto on the other hand is slapping your back and shaking your shoulders going,” Holy crap Y/N that was AWESOME!!!”

-Kageyama-

You and Kageyama had only recently started dating so he probably doesn’t have any idea how mad you could get. He’s seen a few times where you’ve gotten upset over school or your family problems but he still didn’t think too much about it

Who was he to be put off at having an easily angered s/o when he was balancing between his own emotions?

Anyway! You were one of Karasuno’s managers and you and Kiyoko got SO CLOSE! The job was super easy and it meant you could spend more time with your boyfriend so win-win!

The only part that was ever hard for you was other guys constantly hitting on you and Kiyoko like damn okay you both were hot as hell but at least treat girls with respect?

You didn’t mind guys telling you that you both were pretty caused duh you two already knew that but most of them were SOOO disgusting and you never let it slide

Before one of Karasuno’s games, you were on the sidelines with Kiyoko chatting about the next match when you could hear some of the guys from the other team trying to get your attention

“ Damn, Karasuno girls really are as fine as they say, they look soooo good.”

“ God, the things I would do if I was alone with them.”

“ I know you two can hear us, turn around so we can see what we’re working with.”

You just kept your eyes locked onto your clipboard because you didn’t want Kageyama to see how fucking crazy you could get but JESUS it was so hard when these two guys were harassing you

“ Kiyoko, I will fucking lose my mind if they come over here. I think I’m going to snap someone’s neck,” You said through gritted teeth as you watched your boyfriend warm up.

“Maybe you should go cool off in the bathroom before the game starts. I’ll let Kageyama-Kun know what’s going on and I’ll meet you in the hallway,” Kiyoko suggested as you gave her prayer hands cause she really do be a queen

You took your clipboard with you as if it was a weapon and stomped out to the bathroom cause you knew if you stayed in that gym any longer, you would cause a scene

You rinsed your face in the bathroom and you took a few deep breaths as you tried to calm yourself down

Your friends and family always told you that you needed to get your anger under control and now that you were dating, the last thing you needed was to scare Kageyama off

When you started to head out towards the gym, you felt in the air that something was off like spidey senses but instead, it’s like a creep radar was sounding off in your head

That’s when you saw Kiyoko and one of the guys from earlier cornering her against a wall

You can see that Kiyoko was visibly uncomfortable and you were just about to push your limit

“ I said to leave me alone. I’m waiting for a friend.”

“ Oh, you mean the other manager? I’m telling you, we would treat you like absolute queens at our school-”

“ Hey dude, back the hell off!” You shoved the guy to the side pretty hard to the point where he stumbled back a few good feet,” fucking creep.”

This dude, this mf has the audacity to POST UP TO YOU! You’re not even intimidated by him even though he’s easily half a foot taller than you

Like he’s in your face cause now he’s pissed that this girl actually managed to shove him pretty hard

“ Lay your hands on me again and see what happens.”

“ Are you threatening me? Cause if you are, go on and try to hit me I fucking dare you!”

Kiyoko is like nuh uh not on my watch and while im pretty sure kiyoko can throw fucking hands, she ran to go get Kageyama like “ go get ur girl”

This alerts pretty much the whole team even though they’re supposed to be warming up, they go with Kageyama cause if the boys hear your name and that you need help, they get hella protective

Kageyama slides over to the hallway and sees this dude yelling in your face and he sees red when the guy lays a hand on your shoulder

Before Kageyama can even make it over to you, you smash your clipboard over the guys head so hard, he hits the floor

BUT BRUH once he hits the floor you don’t! Stop! hitting ! him!

Like that clipboard is the perfect weapon oml

“ Don’t! Ever! Touch! Me!” You literally bash him after every word and this dude can’t even fight back like I personally dont feel bad but ummmmm you might commit murder

Kageyama rushes over to you and grabs you so you can stop and he’s trying to calm you down but once the word “bitch” slips out of the guys mouth, Kageyama grabs him by the jersey and is shaking him like a ragdoll

“ Watch your goddamn mouth before I put my fist through it!”

And you’re still heated so you want to basically jump this dude with your boyfriend cause romance ya know but Suga is holding you back ( he highkey struggling)

And now Noya and Tanaka are trying to hold Kageyama back because while they definitely would’ve reacted the same way, they don’t want Kageyama to go overboard

“ What did you just say? Go on and say it again-”

“ Kageyama please!”

“ You’re lucky I’m getting held back-”

“ Y/N! Enough!”

Just two lovebirds threatening a dudes life I love it

Things get resolved pretty quickly thanks to daddy daichi calming everyone down and now it’s time for the match to start

Suga lets go of you when Kageyama walks over and the first thing he does is hug you tightly. He practically squeezes the life out of you like this experience really showed how protective he was

He even admits that while he’s glad you can handle yourself, you shouldn't have to stand up to people alone and 100% doesn’t think you overreacted at all especially when Kiyoko thanks you for sticking up for her

He’s a bit intimidated by how you acted only because he had never saw you that mad before but he doesn’t blame you for how you handled it

[symphonyofthewrite]

Saw your post, getting stuff off your chest, I just wanted to say that I haven't seen the thing with the kids mentioned by anyone and it really stood out to me, I feel what you mean to some extent, because for me it was a stronger reaction, albeit you probably won't feel the same and that's, obviously, perfectly fine. I have an instant recoil these days whenever a character is around kids for like one second and everyone instantly goes "THEY LITERALLY ADOPTED THEM/THAT'S THEIR CHILD/THEY'RE A PARENT"... genuinely sick of it, and I went white as a sheet when I heard it, I wanted to pluck my eyes out. I don't know if it's an American thing but English speaking fandoms (well, those teeming with fancops that is) seem like they cannot process adult looking characters being in any near proximity to childlike characters without automatically imposing parenthood and family dynamics and it's becoming distressing to me. I feel like Alucard needed to process his trauma and learn to trust and be whole again, he's young himself too, why he needed to be a "father figure" all of a sudden is beyond me.

Thank you so much for the ask!! I don’t get many asks so it makes me happy when I can talk meta with people 💛💛 (Sorry I’m a bit late in answering.)

Funnily enough I actually do agree with you. I didn’t have quite so strong a reaction, but I definitely had a very similar one when I first hear it.

My feelings were and are a bit mixed. I was saying in my other post that I would have preferred that I got to actually see this interaction; see the kids run by him and call him father, and him smile when no ones looking. I still think that would have been a better, more touching way to do the scene, and would have had more chance of me liking it (though I probably still would have felt very weird about it). (I think it especially would have been better because it would show that Alucard himself liked it, not that Greta was forcing the role on him.) I know that it was meant to be something touching, and pretty much everyone seems to like it (and I have seen some cute posts about it), so I just tried to like it too, and focus on the fact that all they were really trying to say was he was having a nice relationship with the kids, and that was indeed sweet.

But yeah, when I heard Greta say “I heard some of them calling you father” for me it was less a reaction of horror, and more a “HUH??!!”moment. When I heard it I was like “Alucard...you agree with this???!! This is how you see yourself??!!” I almost expected Alucard to refute it and say he didn’t see himself as a father to them. Like I seriously do not see Alucard as anything remotely close to a father figure, and it felt weird and wrong to me.

Like when I saw him interacting with the kids the first time, I didn’t think “oh he’s a father figure to them.” I just thought “yay, Alucard’s playing with some kids, and getting out of his bubble!!” I didn’t have any thoughts as to what his relationship role was with them, I just thought that first interaction was lovely.

And if I saw him interacting with the kids again, I still wouldn’t go “father figure” I’d just be like “yay, Alucard’s playing with the kids again, how sweet!!”

Sometimes the relationship doesn’t need a role or a label, ya know?

And I thought it was especially strange because…he literally just met them?? Like how can they possibly start calling him father when he’s played with them once or twice? Regardless of Alucard’s side or things, what group of kids would randomly call a nice man they just met ‘father’? Is...Is this a normal thing??

Anyways, back to Alucard’s side of things, Sypha’s line about Alucard being a teenager trapped an adults body has always been something that stuck with me and shaped how I view Alucard. I definitely view him as internally much younger than he looks. No matter how much I might hate them for what they did to him, I think Sumi and Take are about the age he actually is, and their relationship with him made sense to me. He’s still a kid—or at least young—he still needs his parents in his life, really. (That’s part of why I didn’t like that Drac and Lisa don’t go to him at the end. I personally don’t think Alucard really got closure, and in my mind I think he still very much needed them, and that would have been the perfect ending to his story in my mind, where everything comes full circle; He was forced to lose his parents and grow up too early, and only when he’s started to truly grow up does he get them back.) So yeah, I really don’t see him like a father at all. One of my main focuses in my Castlevania fanfiction is his relationship with Dracula, so I very much see him as the son, not as the dad, even when Drac isn’t around.

(Sidenote, come to think of it, I think this is another reason why Greta x Alucard is a nope from me. She’s very much an adult, so I just see a discrepancy between them that makes me feel weird about them being in a romantic relationship. If we need a label I feel like she fits as an older sister for him, guiding him and giving him support. Him unloading all his problems on her within just meeting her makes more sense if he’s like a younger brother who needs to cry to his sister. I felt weird about it in a romantic context when it was so fast. I mean I know he was desperate to talk to someone, and I probably would have done the same, but still).

“I feel like Alucard needed to process his trauma and learn to trust and be whole again, he's young himself too, why he needed to be a "father figure" all of a sudden is beyond me”

^^ THIS. EXACTLY THIS.

I was honestly really hoping they’d go in depth into him dealing with his trauma, and how he’s still hurting from the wounds of it, and how he needs to heal. I thought that’s what his S4 arc would be about. I don’t think they gave him the chance to really process and work through everything that happened. (Again, I don’t think him just unloading all his problems on a nice stranger is truly working through his trauma. I would have much rather watched him struggle to trust her, and him telling her about his trauma happen later, and be difficult for him, and a deep, heartfelt moment).

Like I was saying in my other post, I think if they framed his arc in how he dealt with the town collectively, I think that would have fit better, and been more touching and satisfying. I would have liked to see him struggling to trust humans, and then see as time progressed how several different people in the town liked him and meant him no harm, and how he realized he could trust them, and that he liked them too. It wasn’t that he had a bad romantic partner and needed a new one. He believed he needed to be punished for killing his father, and in his deep loneliness he let these kids into his house and heart, and they turned on him because he was half vampire. That’s something pretty deeply ingrained, and not something a new romance just fixes by existing. He needed to work through that in a much deeper way.

I know this is gonna be a very unpopular opinion, and it's totally cool if you disagree, but in a weird way... I sort of disliked Alucard’s ending. Don’t get me wrong, Im glad he’s happy, and I’d certainly prefer it to him just getting more trauma like last season (*shudders*), and I don’t think him opening up his castle (and his heart) to humanity is a bad way to end his story, certainly not. I think that fits. And my heart did melt a bit at the "I'm weirdly happy" scene. But, where everyone else is like “*sobbing* happy endings for all our faves” ...I see the creators of the show trying to wrap everything up in a neat little bow, and while that’s certainly not all bad, I don’t love every aspect of that. Theres a time and place for that, but a show based on video games, for which there’s more content in these storylines isn’t one of them in my mind.

Sometimes some of the sadness needs to linger. At the very least, let it linger at the beginning of the season so you can work through it in a powerful way, you know? It may have been tough to see Alucard be more closed off, but I think it would have been more satisfying to see him open up his heart and go back to his old self if we saw his trauma leave lingering effects at the beginning.

To me it didn’t feel like a satisfying arc, it felt like the fairytale ending of “oh look he’s not apprehensive about humanity even after what happened! Oh look he got the girl! And the Castle’s a happy place now! Look he’s not sad anymore! He’s even a father figure to these kids! He’s totally moved on!” And all those things can be awesome when done properly, and when they have depth to them. But they didn’t work through the trauma to get there, so it felt surface level to me, and too fast. I really liked that first episode, and how we saw the two sides of him—one that's become more closed off, and the other that still buries the human despite his comments—and I also really liked the first interaction with the kids, and thought that was one of the few interactions that had depth to it and fit with his arc well. Having it go beyond “they’re helping him learn to like and trust humanity again, and displaying who he really is inside” ended up detracting from the power of his relationship with them in my mind.

Having played SOTN, I think an ingrained loneliness and sadness are, in a way, a key part of Alucard’s character. That sounds really sad and awful out loud but…there are some people that just have a sadness or a loneliness to them, and that's not entirely bad. Here’s the thing…it can make them that much more beautiful. The fact that they still fight for good, even when they see all the dark, those moments when they find true friends, despite how alone they are, those moments when they are happy, are so much more powerful. They just are always a bit…separate from other people. One of my favorite lines in anything is the line "We are connected by our darkness, not by our light" in Pandora Hearts. I think it's a line that fits Alucard well, and it’s always something that’s drawn me personally to him. Don't get me wrong, I don’t think Alucard’s all dark and sad and lonely, he’s definitely got a bright side to him too, of course he does. But I also don't think he ever is able to fully accept the vampire side of himself, and I find that interesting, and worth exploring. Personally I was honestly hoping for the show makers to come up with a bittersweet reason for why he went to sleep for 300 years, (and I thought that's why they set things up with Sumi and Taka that he’d have something against his vampire nature). Personally it felt like they were trying to say “oh he’s all better now, he’ll never be sad or lonely again” and while that’s nice I suppose…for me it sort of…stops feeling like Alucard, in a way? I don't know if I'm explaining it right, or if that sounds terrible...😅

Anyways, back to the topic at hand. I do agree that’s very common of fandom that people are like “boom! Just add water! Instant father figure!” and I don’t love it either. Sometimes it can be cute if it truly fits, but it doesn’t fit every relationship between an adult-looking character and a kid character, and shouldn't be the first place people go to. In the same way every relationship doesn’t have to be romantic, not every relationship has to be parental/familial either. Sometimes it feels like fandom culture isn't really okay to have some characters just be good friends. A good friendship can be more wonderful than a romance sometimes.

If we have to put a label on it, I think he seemed like a nice older brother figure to them? I think that fits who he is in my mind. But father? Nope. Not for me. And again, I don’t think it needs a label.

Thanks again for sending me this ask!! It was nice to get the chance to work through some more of my feelings here too. Sorry if I went too overboard. And I hope I don’t sound too terribly negative, it really was a great season, and I definitely liked some parts of his arc, just not all of it.

If you or anyone else reading would like to discuss with me more, be my guest!! 💕

[cummingforkylo]

If your requests are still open, could you write a Kylo X Female Reader smut with inappropriate use of his lightsaber and just really rough, hot, and wild sex, with hair pulling, ass smacking, and then overstimulation from multiple orgasms? I just can't get over imagining Kylo fucking me senseless until I'm a wordless sweaty mess and cumming over and over and over again while sobbing and not being able to control cumming so much oh god help me I'm a mess for this man im so sorry ugh

I combined a bunch of these because they seemed to…fit together. I created a Frankenstein monster of a drabble. Its reallly long and its shameless fucking smut. I’ve spent the better part of my afternoon on it, I hope you like it!

BegRating: Explicit/NSFWCW: dubcon?, inappropriate use of  a lightsaber, nasty sex, shameless smut, name callingWord count: 2,865Prompt: You have dreams about the Supreme Leader, you didn’t realize he saw them.

You didn’t know Kylo Ren, you had only seen him, only heard the stories and yet, your dreams were always of him. You always woke sweating, your legs tangled up in the sheets, your underwear wet, your pussy throbbing from just…dreams of him. Dreams of his eyes on you, watching you, dreams of his hands caressing their way up your thighs. The dreams were filled with the sound of his deep, commanding voice and the buzz of his lightsaber. You hated yourself for it, but there was something about him, the anger, the brute force, the indifference to life that made you ache deep within. So you dreamt. You dreamt every night of what it might feel like. What he would feel like. Every morning you woke up still tired, and the dreams continued to weigh on your conscious mind throughout your days.

One night, things changed though, instead of waking up in the morning. You were brought to consciousness, out of your haze halfway through your sleep cycle. You were groggy but as soon as your eyes opened you could feel something different. Something off, something was wrong. You blinked and sat up, you thought you saw something but you couldn’t be sure. You told yourself you were just reacting to the dreams. You pushed yourself out of bed and went to your table to pour yourself water from the carafe. You stood there in your t-shirt and underwear and sipped your water, trying to calm down your racing thoughts and your excited body. That was when you saw him, Kylo Ren, standing by your door, his eyes trained on you. You nearly screamed but the sound stuck in your throat. You had just been dreaming about him and like a dark apparition, here he was. You swallowed thickly, trying to wet your bone dry throat.

“What are you doing here?” You gasped out, unsure if you needed to call him ‘sir’ when he was intruding on your room. His expression was amused as he raised his eyebrows,

“What are you doing dreaming about me?” He countered. Your insides went cold, it felt as though your vision tunneled as you stared at him and you realized he had seen or sensed your dreams. The fear coursed through your veins, sending icy shocks with it, but even as it did, it mixed with the heat that your dream had produced. The two fought with each other inside you, burning and cool. Fear and excitement. They mingled and became one thing inside of you, raging around.

“I…” You tried to speak and he rolled his eyes, he took the few long strides from the door to your table until he stood right in front of you. You backed up until you bumped into the table and he still came closer to you. In one fast movement he grabbed your hips and shoved you back so you were sitting on the table. “I-I…”

“You…you…you what?” Kylo asked mimicking the nervous way you had stuttered as you sat up on the table and stared into his eyes. You tried to rip yourself away from him, struggling to push back but he lifted his hand and involuntarily your arms snapped to your sides. Your hands felt like they were glued to the table, you tried to struggle against the invisible bonds but they seemed to get tighter and tighter the longer you struggled.

“Don’t you struggle with me, girl.” He snarled, still standing above you, staring down at you, his expression dark.

“Why not?” You  snapped, “You’ve come into my room to…to..what!?” Your voice was ragged and you hated how scared it sounded.

“You dreamt of me.” His voice seemed to fill the room without even trying. The deep baritone reverberated inside of you, through your stomach, into your spine. “You wanted this, you begged for more in your dream. I’m merely fulfilling all your fantasies.” He said.

You whined and struggled, but it was a pathetic, feeble attempt to kick your feet. Kylo’s huge hand wrapped around your ankle, shoving it back so your foot was on the table to. Arms still trapped, unable to catch yourself, you fell back against the table knocking the carafe off with a loud clatter. He stood above you and you laid there with your back against the table, one foot up on the table while the other dangled. A sob escaped your chest and Kylo grabbed the other ankle and forced it back, setting that foot on the table too. You couldn’t struggle properly and you weren’t sure if you even wanted to.

“You have filthy dreams about your Supreme Leader and then want to pretend you don’t like it when it actually happens?” he asked, his hand stroked up your bare thigh in and almost…soft way.  He wasn’t wearing gloves and his hand felt hot, and good. You found the will to struggle ebbing away, your legs twitched. You wanted more. There was a gush in your pussy, you were somehow getting wetter than you already had been from the dream. His fingers brushed up your thighs and then back down to your knees. It only took him pressing on the inside of your legs a little to get them to fall open and back. “See? You do want it.” He breathed.

You let out a whine and you looked up at him.

“Should we see how wet you got, dreaming about your superior?” he asked. You wanted to tell him no, you wanted to beg him not to pull your underwear off, it was humiliating and horrifying to even think of him doing it. You couldn’t pull those words out from yourself though, you couldn’t make yourself say it. You wanted it too much. Your whole body was nothing but want now. Your mind was going blank because of his touch, because of his words reverberating through your whole being. Kylo’s hands found the sides of your underwear and in a fluid motion he pulled them down and off of your feet. Automatically, your legs opened for him again and you watched an expression flicker across his face.

Dark power, a deep hunger, tinged with carnal lust crossed his face as you did what he wanted without even being told. His eyes focused on your exposed sex, and you burned with shame and pleasure. You could feel your lips parting and the wetness that blossomed at your entrance spreading over your lips.  His fingers found your slit and he stroked his index finger down it, catching the wetness. Your body reacted instantly, you tensed at the feeling of his finger, finally on you. Just that one touch sent a spasm through your body.

“Slut, I’ve barely started and you’re already twitching.” He said. His finger slid back up your slit and then stopped. You shivered as you felt it resting against your clit. He didn’t move it, he just kept it there and looked down at your face. Your brow furrowed, your mouth opened and you stared at him.

“Will you do as I say?” he asked, that voice…the voice in your dreams, the voice that had sent chills all through your body for days. You knew you should say no. You knew you should have been fighting it but you couldn’t say no to that voice, especially with his finger on your clit. “It will make things easier if you say yes.”

“Yes,” you gasped.

“Good.” He said and you knew that you had never really had a choice. Kylo’s finger stroked across your clit, and you gasped at the feeling. It sent sharp, hot, rods of pleasure shooting through your body and your legs twitched open even more, pulling back. His eyes dropped to your cunt and he watched as his finger delicately traced around your clit. Over and over you felt him make tight circles around that extremely sensitive bundle of nerves. You couldn’t believe this was happening, you couldn’t believe he would stroke you like this, so soft, gentle. It was pulling your orgasm towards the surface, you gasped and pressed your body forward towards his fingers.

“Ohhh! Yes…” You moaned. Kylo swiped his finger across your clit now, gentle strokes but unrelenting. You wanted to cum so badly, it was so close to the surface. All your dreams and his touch now was mounting inside of you.

“Would you like to cum?” his voice, almost bored, spoke to you from what felt like very far away. You nodded feverishly. “Beg.” He said simply.

“Please! Please…please, I want to cum so fucking badly. Please!” You whined. “Please! Fuck!” you pressed your hips up, needing more. Needing him to run his fingers across your little bud over and over until you could be released from this need. “Fuck, fuck, fuck! Please!” You gasped.

“You’ve got quite the mouth on you, slut. But no. You don’t get to cum.” He pulled his hand away from you and you gasped in horror. Disappointment, and boiling frustration surged inside of you. Tears pricked your eyes and he watched, amused as you tried not to cry in front of him. You barely had time to think about your tears because his fingers were at your clit again, rubbing along the sides, stroking it repeatedly, over and over. Your brain was in a fog, you could only focus on the pleasure and breathing, there was nothing else. It went on and on with you getting closer and closer until his voice floated to you,

“Beg.”

“Nooooo,” you sobbed, because you knew nothing would be good enough now. You whined and squirmed, trying to make the right begging noises. “Please, Kylo…sir…please! I n-need to cum! Please!” You said, holding out the vague hope he would let you.

“No.” He spat the word out and pulled his hand back. You started to sob now, tears slipped out of our eyes and you struggled agains the Force that still held your arms down.

“F-fuck you.” You sobbed, your voice cracking. You regretted it a second later when his hand came down hard on your cunt, smacking it with such force it knocked the breath out of you. Your pussy throbbed with the pain, the sting reverberating through your clit and down inside of you. You choked on air. Faster than you could even pay attention to in your fuddled state he moved his hand to his belt and unclasped his lightsaber.

“You want more?” he asked, pulling it up to you.

“Yes!” You sobbed without thinking. Kylo flipped the saber in his hand so the bottom end was pointed towards you. Your body tensed up and his eyes glinted. You recoiled from you but his hand grabbed your hip, keeping you in place.

“You want more so badly, I can show you more.” He said, you looked up into his face, he looked wild. His eyes were black with lust and the air of power surrounding him crackled. He pressed the bottom of the saber against your pussy, it was icy cold and shivers ran through you at the first touch.

He let go of your hip, trusting you would stay still and he gently spread your lips, opening you so he could press the saber handle into your tight cunt. You twitched as you felt yourself stretch around the cold, unforgiving metal. Your walls contracted, and you were unsure if it was trying to drag it in farther or rid your body of the intrusion. Your breathing was wrecked and you sobbed with need, pain and pleasure as he pressed it in farther. Each bump, each ridge caught against the inner lips of your vagina, swirling the pleasure inside you. It ached so deep inside, it was like nothing you had ever felt before.  As soon as it was as far as it could go inside of you he pulled his hand away and just looked at you. He examined his efforts, splayed out in front of him. You legs open wide as you lay on the table, his weapon sunk deep in your cunt which struggled to stretch open for it. You gasped for breath and rolled your hips with need.

“Your cunt is so needy for me, slut.” He breathed as his hand came back to the soft flesh of your pussy and he stroked his thumb over your exposed clit. You jumped at the feeling. That, combined with the feeling of his saber inside of you, filling you up made you clench and nearly cum on the spot. “No cumming.” He said. “I’ll tell you when or if you’re allowed to cum.” His voice was so dangerous, all you could do was whimper.

His thumb stroked over your clit and his other hand grasped his lightsaber again, he dragged it back out of you and then in again, fucking you slowly and deliberately with it, watching as you writhed underneath him. The pressure mounted inside of you, it was so close again and you garbled out your desperate pleas,

“Please, sir! Please! I’ll do anything. I need to cum! Please! I need it! I need to,” you sobbed with longing. All the opportunities you had had to give yourself an orgasm before this that you hadn’t taken flashed in front of you, now all you wanted was that feeling and he was in control of it. Kylo’s thumb stroked your clit and you bucked your hips up into him, fucking yourself on his weapon.

“I need it, yes, oh stars! Yes! Please, ohhh please.” You sobbed, tears rolling out of your cheeks.

“Cum, you stupid slut, cum.” He growled all of a sudden and his thumb pressed against your clit, his hand still using the lightsaber to steadily fuck you. A half scream, half sob was pulled from your chest as the feeling washed over you. The orgasm cascaded in waves over you as you pressed your hips up and his thumb unrelentingly stroked your overly sensitive clit. As it started to subside, the feeling began to be too much and you tried to close your legs.

“You wanted this,” He growled as he ripped the saber out of your pussy. He shoved your legs back and the suddenly the Force locked them open, like how your arms were locked down. You were spread open for him, unable to cover the burning, too sensitive flesh. He stroked your clit, and everything burned, it was too much and you shook, gasping, sobbing, shaking your head.

“No! No more! Please! No more” You begged.

“You wanted to cum, so fucking cum, whore.” He said. His hand didn’t move from your cunt, as his other hand struggled to get his pants undone, shoving the layers of clothing aside. You couldn’t move, you couldn’t recoil. All you could do was live in the pulsing pleasure that wracked your body. Another orgasm mounted and was unwillingly pulled from you, making you quake underneath him. Kylo pressed the tip of his cock against your entrance and you saw his wild eyes looking down at it, watching as he slowly pressed it inside. The feeling of him inside you was so good and combined with the constant movement from his thumb against your clitoris it pushed you over the edge again. Even though you were exhausted and felt like you could take no more, you came again. His hips started to move, beating into yours. His cock was huge, and with each time you came you felt like he was breaking you apart little by little.

“Oh fuck! Kylo! I’m yours…all yours…ohhh fuck me! Fuck me!” you moaned. His thrusts were rough and painful in your throbbing, swollen and dripping cunt but it made you unravel around him.

“You are mine, slut. You’re mine.” He growled. He ripped his hand away from your pussy and he leaned over you , looking into your eyes, “Do you hear that? You’re mine.” He said. He hissed out another moaan as your eyes connected and he could see the need there. You were going to come yet again, just from his cock this time. Your mouth opened in a low moan and you clenched hard around him. You found you could move your arms again, he couldn’t concentrate on keeping you held down anymore, you wrapped your arms around his neck and brought yourself close to him. His hand found your hair and he tugged it hard.

“Fuck!” He said, trying to bite back the emotion in his ragged voice. As you came, his cock spasmed and filled you with his hot cum. You stayed against him, your arms around his neck and now your legs wrapping around him. He lifted you up so he held you against him, his hand loosening in your hair so he just cradled your head. Your breathing was labored but he held you until both of you returned to reality, relaxing into him. Your room seemed too quiet. Life didn’t seem right because he was no longer inside you.

“You’re mine.” He said quietly into your ear and you were okay with it.

[jordantheehennessy]

hello good morning i have my iced coffee and im ready to talk about the love of my life <33

OKAY i actually screamed when adam appeared. like. yeah, i knew he was coming and everything. but when the narrative was like, and there was adam parrish, i had to pause it and scream a little because it had been so long since we’ve seen him and truly i do love adam so much. i also had chugged a couple things of coffee so my heart was already fucked up but that’s beside the point! 

the adam scense themselves were pretty short but i loved loved loved his interactions with declan. i also couldnt help but think back to dream theives when adam was watching declan and could read him like a fucking book and here’s declan now with adam being very open by adam’s standards and declan is still like ?? what fucking level is this guy even on??

hes really not physically present much but he’s extremely effective. i loved that bryde himself basically admitted that the reason there was no adam pov was because adam would have already figured it out which is just so. funny. but anyone saying that there’s no pynch in this book are wrong. pynch drama is the main source of ronan’s personal angst. like if you can’t see how much ronan cares for adam then i don’t really know what to tell you. it’s not even subtle?? between the agnostic tendencies bit and the work gloves bit it’s very obvious to see how ronan feels about adam and how much ronan’s insecurities are playing into it.

his one scene with ronan (yes there’s only the one) was so heartbreaking. adam talking to ronan without the accent was so so so much. like i completely understand why ronan was so thrown by it. because yeah, ronan is still living in the past and he has an idealized idea of what he wants things to be and anything that isn’t that is automatically bad and hurting him. which is not a good or healthy way to look at things and at the end of the day he’s just trying to protect himself so why should he grow past this? it’s always worked before, hasn’t it? why does adam insist on breaking things that were working perfectly fine?

assuming that adam got cut off from his body when the ley line went down and assuming ronan is still asleep and can’t be woken for whatever reasons (it seems that way anyway but, again, id need to relisten) it’s my professional opinion that they are going to find each other in dream space and have a very overdue talk about their relationship. maybe there will be references to the idyllic summer spent at the barn where they used to do this for fun?? it would be heartbreaking and i Need To See It. 

because the thing about adam and ronan (and well really all of them) is that at their cores they dont know themselves. or refuse to know themselves. they keep trying to find themselves in how other people reflect them while never really seeing anyone else for how they truly are either.  it’s like being surrounded by funhouse mirrors and picking whichever one makes you look the most appealing until you shift just enough and you hate the reflection. every single one of the characters are struggling with this and what is so funny is that of all the characters declan is the one furthest on the path to self acceptance. he’s at least pinpointed his fears and he’s slowly disentangling the whole fucked up yarnball of trauma that niall gave to him.  he’s by no means perfect and he’s still very much in the midst of a paradigm shift but he’s get a little bit of an edge over everyone else. well, actually farooq-lane is ahead of the curve there since she’s actively making decisions for herself.

BUT THIS ISN’T ABOUT ANY OF THEM SORRY

the point is: adam and ronan need to talk to each other holy lord please just communicate!! i don’t know if ronan ever mentioned to adam that he believes they’re going to get married and maybe he should mention that??? like, yes, adam has made it clear that he’s committed but they obviously have very different ideas of what that looks like and they really just need to get on the same page. adam also needs to come to terms that you can’t just try on faces for the fuck of it. and this isn’t even beginning to touch on how they might be trapped in dream space?? how ronan dreamt up his insecurities incarnate and now said incarnate insecurities is running around in the real world?? how ronan fucked with henness’y head and now he’s going to have to have a long talk with her too but he can’t do that until he comes to terms with himself and probably with adam too?? there’s just SO MUCH here and i’m really looking forward to the next book to see ho it plays out.

[deniigi]

Are we gonna see more of lance corporal Wilson or the Blind Devil?

uhhhh not as of now. But! I have a little piece of them trying to bond with Benj for you, anon!

Basically, in this piece, the Blind Devil and Corporal Wilson take Benj with them to one of BD’s boxing matches and he has a somewhat adverse reaction.

Warning for panic attacks.

-------

Oh god, this was horrible. This was bad, horrible, and wrong and Maidíu was laughing up there in the ring through a smashed nose and the Lance Corporal was calling him names that May would have absolutely skewered Peter for using and it was just—

It was so much.

Everything was happening in double time. Triple time. In half the space—a quarter of the space--it ought to be happening in.

Peter was going to scream.

No. He wasn’t going to scream.

He never screamed. He’d been through so much worse than this. Walls had literally caved in on him multiple times and he hadn’t screamed. Nails had pierced his skin and bullets had slammed through his thighs.

A load of shouting people crammed in around a ring wasn’t going to be the thing that undid him. Not if he had anything to say about it.

“HEY.”

It wasn’t.

“Hey? Spiderkid?”

He just needed to breathe. That’s all.

“Spiderkid? Hey, hey. Woah. You don’t look so good, hon. Here, let’s move back.”

No, he was fine, LC.

He just—

He just—

Breathing. He needed to breathe and he couldn’t breathe with all these bodies pressing against him. Pressing into him. Squeezing him from all sides—

“What’s going on?”

Who was that?

“I don’t know. Seems like some kinda asthma?” LC Wilson called over the shouting.

It wasn’t asthma. Peter didn’t have asthma. He didn’t have anything; he just needed air. That was all. A little bit of space.

“What’s your name?”

“Mine?”

“Yeah.”

“Wilson. Wade Wilson. This here’s Pete.”

“Buddy of yours?”

“Yeah.”

“Ah, wait. You’re Matty’s pal?”

“Oh, hey! Yeah, that’s us. You heard of us?”

All this chatter was making Peter’s head swim and there were huge, heavy hands on his shoulders now and he wasn’t wearing the mask or the coat, so he couldn’t swing around and tear them off. Break the bones.

Make them never, ever touch him again.

He couldn’t—

He couldn’t—

Goddamnit, he couldn’t breathe.

“The name’s Jack. Matty’s my boy. Here, I’ll take this one out for a sec.”

“You sure? I can take ‘im.”

“Nah, ease off, kid. Matt ain’t need no help. He’s fixin’ to win this one. If he asks, tell ‘im I’m out with the smallest of youse.”

The huge hand on Peter’s shoulder tensed and pushed and Peter found that he couldn’t resist it. It shoved him through a torrent of bodies, back, back, back, until suddenly, everything was cold and dark again.

They were outside.

Peter collapsed forward, gasping. Coughing. Clutching at his knees.

It was way quieter outside in the cold.

It took him a long time feel comfortable opening his eyes. Out of the corner of one of them, he saw knees. He bolted up straight and nearly stumbled back at the sight of one of the biggest men he’d ever laid eyes on.

“I’m—I’m—” he stammered, caught between an apology and something else he didn’t really know.

“You’re alright, little one,” the huge man said with a wink.

He was Irish. Fuck, he was Irish.

Peter already found parsing Maidíu’s half-New York, half-Irish accent challenging at times, but this guy?

He is cadence was so jolting that it took Peter’s brain several seconds to make the sounds into words and the words into sentences.

“I’m sorry?” he said automatically.

“I said, ‘you’re alright,’” the huge man said. “Take a coupla breaths. You’ll be alright.”

What the fuck was he saying?

Peter still couldn’t make his ears adjust.

“I’m so sorry,” he repeated.

The huge man huffed.

  The guy was patient and oddly gentle.

Peter only found out the latter bit when he tried to go back into the ring to find the Lance Corporal. He didn’t get very far. What he got was a hand on his shoulder and a slow push back.

“I’m okay,” he told the Irishman for what felt like the fortieth time. “I’m okay, I can go back in. I won’t ralph on your floors or nothing.”

“Mm-hm,” the Irishman said, nonbelieving.

A roar went up through the house behind him. Peter jerked at the sound. The Irishman’s expression didn’t change.

“I’m not drunk,” Peter told him.

The Irishman didn’t believe him. His eyes seemed half-closed from how far down he had to look at Peter.

Peter wondered if he had a chance here on the street.

If he got a good solid punch in, in the head-region he probably could. But he only had one chance. This fucker was going to know how to fight.

“Da?”

Eh?

Peter looked up to see Maidíu with his hand on the doorframe feeling around it and turning his face back and forth.

“Right ‘ere, son,” the huge man said.

“Ah. There you are,” Maidíu said, stepping more boldly forward towards the sound of the man’s voice. His nose was disgusting. The huge man—Maidíu’s father?—looked over at him and lifted a brow.

“Come on, now, Matty. Can’t be lettin’ someone get the drop on ya like that,” he said.

“Did for the crowd,” Maidíu told him.

“Sure ya did.”

Good lord, this was Maidíu’s father. No wonder he was the size of a house.

“This one’s one of yours, son?” Maidíu’s father asked him.

“Which one?”

“Skinny ‘un. Dark ‘air, dark eye, spectacles.”

“Ah. Peter, then. Wilson said you weren’t feelin’ so good, kid. You alright?”

Uuuuuuuh no.

But neither of these massive bulls needed to know that.

“I’m okay,” he said instead. “Just had a bout of asthma or something.”

“Looked to me like the shell-shock,” Maidíu’s father said out of nowhere.

Peter’s breath froze in his chest.

“Da, don’t be scarin’ him like that,” Maidíu scolded. “C’mere, Pete. Ignore him. He thinks he knows everythin’.”

“I do know everythin’, I’m old as mountains, I am,” Maidíu’s father said.

“He serves in a war, comes back, and now he’s got every story in the worl’ in his head,” Maidíu huffed.

“I keep ‘em there with the lumps,” his dad told Peter with a wink.

“Da.”

“Alright, alright. I’ll leave youse be. It was good meetin’ you, Pete. We’ll have you ‘round to a quieter night one of this days, eh, Matt?”

“Yea, yea. Feck off, old man.”

Maidíu waited for the bigger guy to move around him before holding a hand out to Peter.

“He didn’t scare ya too bad, did he?” he asked.

Peter shook his head, then caught himself.

“No,” he said. “Just—I wanted to watch you, uh. You know. Fight. The LC seemed to be having a good time.”

Maidíu blinked sightless, scarred eyes Peter’s way and then smiled.

“It’s alright,” he said. “It can be really overwhelmin’ the first time you’re really in it. Da used to put me up high so’s he’d know I wouldn’t get crushed.”

Oh.

Oh, okay.

Peter sighed before he could stop himself. Maidíu cocked his head and carefully stepped forward, feeling with his toes for the edge of the steps his father had been previously been guarding.

“What’s the matter, Pete?” Maidíu asked gently.

“Nothing,” Peter said.

“I don’t know much, son. But I know it ain’t nothin’.”

Peter sighed again.

“I just—I wanted—I want—”

He didn’t know how to make the feeling into words. He couldn’t even do it in his head, how was he supposed to out loud?

“You want to be included?”

Oh.

Maybe like that.

“I want to have friends,” Peter felt himself say in a rush.

He didn’t mean to say it.

“I want to be like you guys. I want to just—you know. Have fun. Go to a match. Just relax and watch. But it’s like—I can’t. Every time I go out with people, it’s like I can’t make everything stop. My head’s always goin’ and everything starts getting’ really close together and I can’t help but start checkin’ over my shoulders—and it all just defeats the purpose,” Peter spewed forth in frustration.

Maidíu said nothing.

Peter sucked in a big breath.

He didn’t expect anyone to understand. He didn’t know why they would. No one else he knew had this feeling.

“Forget it,” he said.

“You know,” Maidíu’s rumbly voice said softly, “Da might not have been too far off there.”

“What?” Peter asked. “What do you mean?”

Maidíu shrugged a shoulder and itched at the drying blood on his face.

“I just mean, that—well. I was a wain when Da came back from the Front, but he had all these stories, ya know? Of men doin’ this and doin’ that. ‘Cause of the shell-shock. He used to tell me that some of his buddies’ eyes would go wide and they’d start breathin’ fast and funny. Gaspin’ like they couldn’t get enough air in, and they’d want to get out of the trench. They’d be sayin’ that they’d suffocate if they stayed in the trench. But you know, they couldn’t get up overhead. That was nothin’ but a death sentence. So.” Maidíu trailed off.

“You think I’ve got shell-shock,” Peter scoffed.

“I think you got somethin’ like it,” Maidíu said. “Don’t worry, though, kid. I get those feelings too, sometimes. Comes from being blind, I suspect. Gets real lonely sometimes. But then it’s all too much at the same time, too. Helps to just come outside and breath. That’s what my old man was tryin’ to get you to do.”

Ah.

Right.

That was…embarrassing.

“You’re alright, Peter. It’s okay. Here, do me a favor, huh?”

Peter lifted his face to see Maidíu holding out a hand with rough, calloused fingers. His own hands felt small and skinny at his sides.

“Peter.”

He balled them, stepped forward and took ahold of the fingers.

“Atta boy,” Maidíu told him.

“What do you need?” Peter asked him.

“Ah, well. See, me old man’s ‘bout to pummel a man into the ropes and it’s been ages since I knew what it looked like.”

Peter frowned.

“So you want me to what?” he asked.

“Tell me what it looks like,” Maidíu asked with alight lift to his eyebrows. “Don’t have to be perfect or anythin’. But it’d be nice to hear some commentary. You know, like on the radio. Is that okay?”

Yeah. Yeah, that was okay.

“Maybe we should find the Lance Corporal first,” Peter said. “You know his commentary’ll be better than mine.”

Maidíu smiled and turned his head back towards the commotion taking place inside the building again.

“If you say so,” he said.

When Peter came in closer, the fingers in his hand migrated until they were cupped around his elbow. The light light from inside made him take a deep breath. He held it. Then took another.

“Good work,” Maidíu said. “Here, let’s stay in the back so I can hear ya over this lot.”

Yes.

Yes, let’s do that.

One foot forward up these stairs. That was all. He was helping this blind man. This blind man was his friend.

He’d be okay. They’d be in the back, away from the crowd.

“Good man, Pete. You’re a brave little thing, you know that?” Maidíu encouraged.

Peter laughed.

Brave.

Yeah.

Obviously.

He was Spiderman. He was so brave. And so stupid. So reckless and cocky.

Come along now, Spiderman. Onward march, already.

“Come on, Devilman,” he said. “Step to it, we don’t got all night.”

 -----------

[megalony]

She’s a good girl- Part 12

Here is the latest update of one of my favourite murderer! Ben Hardy series, I hope you will all like it, feedback is always lovely.

Taglist: @lunaticspoem @butlegendsneverdie @langdonzvoid @jennyggggrrr @rogmeddows @radiob-l-a-hblah @rogertaylorsbitontheside @chlobo6 @rogertaylors-lipgloss @sj-thefan @omgitsearly @luckytrashgooprebel @scarsout @deaky-with-a-c @killer-queen-ofrhye @bluutac @vousmemanqueez @jonesyaddiction @ambi-and-sunflowers @milanosaurus @httpfandxms @saint-hardy @7-seas-of-fat-bottomed-girls @mrsalwayswritex @rogerina-owns-me @peterquillzsblog @im-an-adult-ish @crazylittlethingg @allauraleigh

Series taglist: @onceuponadetectivedemigod @lelifesaver​

Series masterlist

Summary: (Y/n) is a good girl from a church-going family and her brother, Joe is trying to put Ben behind bars. But when (Y/n) starts to fall for the dangerous killer, things get complicated.

Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She couldn't turn back now.

(Y/n) was five steps into the smaller church she had never once stepped foot in before, to turn around and walk out would cause too much attention to fall on her and she didn't want that. A few sets of eyes were already looking her way and it was making her feel uneasy even if they weren't glaring or properly staring at her or even looking at her in disapproval. Anyone looking at her automatically made (Y/n) feel like she was doing something wrong.

This wasn't her church, but then again, (Y/n) didn't really feel like she had a church anymore. She had the same religion, the same amount of faith and love for her religion, but she had nowhere to express that faith because she couldn't go to her old church anymore. Listening to her father give a sermon every Sunday and looking at his disapproving eyes or seeing everyone in the parish glaring at her was far too much for (Y/n) to bear anymore.

(Y/n) wanted to go to a church where no one looked at her like she was front page news, she wanted to be in a church where no one questioned her or looked at her funny or knew anything about her. Back home everyone knew everyone, there were no secrets so people looked at (Y/n) because she was the Reverend's daughter who suddenly turned a rebel and got pregnant and engaged rather young. It was like a stigma attached to her and everyone thought she was doing something wrong.

Not going to church made (Y/n) feel like she was losing her faith and this church was close to home and it was different, no one knew her here. But now (Y/n) was standing in the rather small but quaint church, she felt out of place.

Ben told her to have some confidence in herself and ignore everyone else but it was easy for him, Ben wasn't like her.

Ben was a killer and there were a lot of people who knew that, but there were still a lot of people who admired or just liked him. He had tattoos littering his whole body, he had scars and a crooked nose from fighting and he always had broken knuckles. He had a physical appearance that stood out to people but that gave him his confidence, he didn't care who stared at him or what anyone thought of him. Ben walked down the street like he owned the world and it worked for him.

(Y/n) wasn't like that. She grew up trying so hard to be the perfect daughter, to be a good little angel that everyone could admire and get along with. But now she wanted to be different, she wanted to be a grown up.

She wanted people to look at her and see a young woman who was shy but in no means a little girl. (Y/n) wanted people to see that she was going to be a mother and that she was now married and not think anything of it. But she didn't have the confidence that Ben did which she so wanted to have because it would stop her from thinking everyone was glaring at her or whispering or thinking about her.

When (Y/n) spotted an empty aisle on the left, she moved over and sat down in the middle, wanting to hide out the way of everyone but she knew Ben would chide her if she ever sat at the back like she didn't belong.

Somehow it felt more calming to (Y/n) that there weren't many people in this church, it seemed small and sweet, less people to judge or fall out with.

(Y/n) absentmindedly started to play with the cross hanging around her neck as she hoped the sermon would start soon, her headache was starting to get a lot worse than it had been earlier and she was starting to feel sick. Her eyes fell closed when the reverend finally started the sermon but (Y/n) opened her eyes during the first prayer when she heard a shuffling noise. It felt like her heart was a rocket and had taken off without her when she watched a lady roughly in her mid-twenties sit down rather close to her.

"Haven't seen you here before, are you new around here? I'm usually late but I'm actually near enough on time today. I'm Jamie." She spoke rather quickly with a wide but still gentle smile the moment the prayer finished.

(Y/n) had spoken to a few people during church but she was either sat up front with her family or she was glared at and then stayed quiet. Talking or murmuring during sermon was usually frowned upon, even if the sermon was about something that wasn't as interesting or captivating as it normally was.

Jamie had long dark ginger curly hair with the front half of her hair pinned back to keep it from her eyes. She seemed rather tall, taller than (Y/n) at least, and she had hazel brown eyes and a nose that curved at the end. She seemed like she had a big personality and in (Y/n)'s experience, she wasn't the kind of person who attended church.

"I'm (Y/n)... I'm new to this church." (Y/n) kept her voice quiet but she offered Jamie a smile.

"Is your fella not the religious type?"

(Y/n) shook her head, unsure how to respond to that because Jamie didn't sound like she was being rude or intrusive, she was smiling and looked like she was desperate for a friend to talk to. She didn't seem like she was interested in today's sermon at all. Her eyes danced between (Y/n)'s stomach that she was tracing her hand over and the ring on (Y/n)'s finger.

"I'm with him on that one. My mother in law is a witch, doesn't like anyone who isn't religious so I started to come to church so I could my my fella without her going insane. I don't mind religion but I don't believe in it. Sermon's are alright though, talk about some good topics and I like the reverend, he listens, you know?"

Jamie reeled off information like she was being interviewed but she seemed to (Y/n) like the kind of person who didn't care about what people thought of her. She was someone like Ben, someone that (Y/n) wanted to be like too.

"What about you? What's your story?"

It didn't feel like the right time or place to be getting to know someone when they were in church. But at the same time, today's sermon was about redemption and (Y/n) had had too much of that to last a life time and the last sermon about this made her feel uneasy. What harm would talking do? No one else seemed to care that they were chatting.

"My father's a reverend, he doesn't like my husband or my choices so I moved churches." A flurry of butterflies swarmed through (Y/n)'s unsettled stomach the moment the word husband slipped through her lips. She never thought she'd ever get to say that to anybody, she never thought she'd be married before Joe or Cora. But it felt so amazing and so right to say that Ben was now her husband after they got married last week.

"That's his loss, marry who you want, don't try and change for anyone. I didn't become religious I just pretend so my mother in law doesn't have a heart attack. Don't worry, no one will judge here, everyone knows I'm not religious and they don't say nothing about me being here every week. Are you alright, you don't look too well?"

"I'm just tired." (Y/n) managed a smile before she glanced back over at the reverend.

(Y/n) tried to chip in here and there when Jamie kept the conversation going because she was making an effort to talk to (Y/n), whether it was because she herself was lonely or she thought (Y/n) could use the company, she didn't know. But (Y/n) appreciated the gesture and she didn't want to be rude, she didn't have too many friends and Jamie seemed like someone she might be able to get along with. At the very least she could be someone (Y/n) could talk to on a Sunday at church if not anywhere else or outside of church.

But (Y/n) wanted to go home.

This church was fine, the people seemed nice because they weren't glaring at her or even looking at her and the reverend seemed very passionate and was giving a good sermon. But (Y/n) didn't feel well and everything had been up and down lately like a roller-coaster.

(Y/n) and Ben got married last week, then she saw her mother two days after the wedding and had to hurry home to escape an argument. She had a new lease of life now, (Y/n) had a life that was all her own and she loved it and now she was married to Ben there wasn't anything to worry or fret over and she got the life she always wanted. She just had to get used to not having Joe or her family around anymore.

Tipping her head back, (Y/n) slouched down on the rather uncomfortable wooden bench that was cutting into her back. She didn't know how to sit to alleviate the tense feeling in her stomach that was making her feel sick and her head was pounding like it was being hit with a hammer.

(Y/n) glanced down at the ring on her finger with a small smile before she started to smooth her hands over her stomach. She was almost six months pregnant now and that meant a lot of her clothes didn't fit anymore but rather than buying loads more clothes, (Y/n) opted for taking a few of Ben's instead. His shirts were large on her anyway considering his height and muscle span and the one (Y/n) had on today was a plain white shirt that fit her perfectly without being too tight or way too loose.

It was easier to wear his clothes that were comfy than fuss about getting other clothes that were both the right size for her ever-changing shape and that felt comfy.

The moment the sermon ended (Y/n) couldn't have been more thankful, it was rather straining to keep listening to both the reverend and to Jamie when her stomach was starting to twist and she was sure she was going to be sick.

When (Y/n) stood up she felt all the blood drain from her head and rush down to her toes that were tingling but she did her best to ignore the feeling and head out of the church. Ben was supposed to be meeting her so they could walk down to the club but (Y/n) knew she was going to have to go home rather than to work today with how she was feeling.

A surge of relief rumbled through (Y/n) when she saw Ben leaning against his car with a cigarette clasped tightly between his lips.

Ben leaned down and flicked the cigarette on the pavement, stubbing it out with the heel of his shoe when he saw (Y/n) approaching. His lips curved into his usual devilish smirk before they parted to breathe out the smoke from his cigarette.

"Hey doll... what's up?" Ben's head ticked to the side and his eyes narrowed when he noticed the look on (Y/n)'s face. For a moment he wondered if she didn't like being at a different church or if she didn't get along with the people but the closer she got, Ben realised she looked unwell rather than upset.

When (Y/n) got within reach, Ben gently rested his hands either side of her face and started brushing his thumbs over her cheek. (Y/n) held onto his wrists like she was trying to hold herself upright but all she wanted to do was go home and go to bed to see if sleep might make her feel any better.

"I don't feel very well." (Y/n) closed her eyes to try and rid herself of the headache that was raging behind her eyes. Her heart fluttered in her chest when she felt Ben kissing her temple before he moved his hands so he could wrap his arms around her and pull her into his chest. It felt so lovely yet weird to be able to hug Ben and be affectionate with him outside a church without fretting that anyone (Y/n) knew was going to see them and tell her family.

"Alright, well I'll just grab a few things from the club and then we'll go home."

"No, you said you were working today-"

"I'm not leaving my pregnant wife home alone when she isn't well, I don't need to be at the club anyway, Mark can cope on his own for the day."

The pain in (Y/n)'s head and stomach evaporated for a split second and her lips curved into a smile when she looked up at Ben when those words passed through his lips. She didn't think she was ever going to get used to hearing him calling her his wife, it was one of the best things to hear and hearing it come from Ben's lips was pure magic. Just like when he called her a good girl it felt so different and almost empowering when it used to make her feel childish and stupid whenever her parents called her it.

"Come on." Ben leaned down to steal a kiss from (Y/n)'s lips before he motioned to the car, he knew the sooner he got (Y/n) home the better. She had been restless last night and she didn't look too well this morning either but she seemed worse now.

The drive from the church to the club didn't take very long but when they got there Ben noticed (Y/n) looked more uncomfortable than before. She didn't know how to sit to try and feel better and trying to close her eyes and go to sleep didn't seem to make her feel any better.

"Do you want to wait here, I'll be five minutes."

Ben studied (Y/n) for a few seconds, watching the way she turned her head in his direction but kept her eyes closed and slouched down in the seat until he was sure she was going to slide onto the floor. She had her head pushed back into the seat and her hands rubbing over her bump like she was trying to alleviate the pain. Ben leaned over and kissed (Y/n)'s temple when she nodded before he reluctantly got out of the car. He was sure that he might have to take her to the doctors rather soon if she got any worse, there was no way he was staying at the club with (Y/n) like this.

After a few minutes, (Y/n) pushed herself up into a proper sitting position in the seat and opened her eyes that felt groggy like she had been asleep for hours.

She scanned her eyes around for a few seconds as if she expected Ben to suddenly appear. She knew he was only here to pick up some of the rotas and finance sheets so he could go over them at home but knowing Ben he was caught up talking to someone. But when (Y/n) looked over at the entrance to the club, her eyes widened when she saw Ben stood arguing with Joe.

Why was Joe here? What was he doing, what were they arguing about?

Getting up and out of the car made (Y/n) feel sick and she wanted to to sit straight back down but she couldn't. She had to go and see what they were arguing about and make it stop, she wanted to go home and Ben was either going to lose his temper with Joe or Joe would make some kind of threat to him.

"If you don't have a warrant, you're not getting inside so I suggest you leave. Wouldn't want any of my guys to throw you off the property, would you?" Ben folded his arms over his chest, tapping his finger against the folder he was holding in his right hand as he looked Joe dead in the eyes. There was no way Joe was getting in the club to look around if he didn't have anything to say he had to be in there.

Joe seemed like he was about to respond but he stopped himself when he watched Ben turn and look at something over to the left. Both men seemed to become still when they watched (Y/n) advance over to them.

"Joe, why are you here?" (Y/n) rubbed her hand over her temple as she looked at her brother, feeling uneasy about talking to him after he told her she would be on her own if she walked out. He had always supported her but this had put him in the middle and he didn't choose her, he chose his job.

"I'm here to see the club after a few reports came in." There was something in Joe's eyes that made (Y/n) want to shrink in on herself and hide away. It was like he didn't want to recognise her, he wanted to forget her like that would be so much easier than this.

"And you've been told you can't go in without a warrant and if you hang around out here we'll call your friends down the station for harassment." Ben rolled his eyes at Joe who looked like he was a child being told he couldn't play with his favourite toy. He knew very well if he didn't have grounds to enter the club he wasn't getting in, no police got in without reasonable cause or a warrant.

And if he did hang around Ben or his workers would have no problem calling the police and accuse Joe of harassment.

"Doll come on let's go home." Ben reached over and gently took (Y/n)'s arm when she looked a bit unsteady. He wasn't hanging around arguing this any longer when there was no point and he had to get (Y/n) home since she wasn't well.

"You don't have to control her." Joe felt like walking away, he knew he wasn't going to get into the club now that Ben was here and had instructed his men not to let Joe anywhere past reception. But he still felt that somehow, he could change (Y/n)'s mind. He wanted to change her mind on Ben and get her away from a man who had the capability of harming or even killing her. She was his sister, she was his baby sister who he loved and she was making a mistake in his eyes.

"Don't you dare start that shit with me. I'm not controlling her I'm taking her home because she isn't well now do us all a favour and fuck off."

Ben moved his hand from (Y/n)'s arm to her waist before he turned away from Joe. He wouldn't stand here and be accused of controlling (Y/n) or doing something wrong or like he was on the edge of hurting her because he wasn't.

Turning her head to the right, (Y/n) pressed her face into Ben's shoulder like he would somehow make all the pain evaporate and disappear. All she wanted to do was go home and go to sleep to see if it would make her feel any better. But the pair of them got less than five steps away from Joe before (Y/n) had to stop. Ben tilted his head to look down at her when (Y/n) reached her hand out and quickly dug her fingers into his shirt so tightly and quickly that he could feel her nails scratching against his chest.

"Baby, what's wrong?" There was a lot of caution in Ben's voice as his arm tightened around her waist and he leaned his head down to look at her properly but (Y/n) buried her head into his side.

Ben could feel (Y/n) trembling against him but a violent shiver ran down his spine when she seemed to swallow a cry of pain that vibrated against the back of her throat to the point Ben felt the cry rattle through him too. He watched her hand move down to cradle her stomach which suggested that was the source of her pain and that made Ben want to scream.

"Okay, okay baby shh." When (Y/n)'s knees felt like they were giving way, Ben held onto her tighter to stop her from collapsing onto the gravel. He pressed his lips to the top of her head as he tried to think.

There was clearly something wrong, this wasn't normal pains or little cramps and Ben knew he couldn't take (Y/n) home and pray she would feel better. He had to take her to the hospital to get her checked over and sort this out because she had only got worse over the course of the day.

"What have you done to her?" Joe felt his stomach tightening as he hurried over to the pair. He wanted to leave but he could never turn his back and just walk away when (Y/n) was clearly in pain. Whenever they were little she would always run to him if she fell over or had an accident or generally felt ill and he would sit with her and watch movies and try to make her feel better. All Joe wanted to do was revert back to the time when they were little and things were okay.

Ben snapped his head to the side and looked over at Joe with a thunderous glare and a tightened jaw that was about to snap. How did he have the nerve or the balls to imply Ben had hurt her when Joe himself cast (Y/n) out the moment he found out about Ben?

That question didn't deserve a reply so Ben looked back at (Y/n) who he had to focus his attention on.

Ben tried to get (Y/n) to stand up straight so he could try and walk her back to the car but the moment (Y/n) tried to straighten up a whine escaped her lips and her hand pressed tighter to her stomach. The pain suddenly felt like her insides were on fire or as if she had been stabbed and standing up straight made it worse. She wanted the pain to go away, (Y/n) wanted to be wrapped up in bed with Ben with no pain and no worries or problems at all.

"What have you done? Have you punched her? I swear to God if you've laid a hand on her-"

"I never laid one hand on her in all the time she's been with me and if I had, why the fuck would she be clinging to me right now?" Ben didn't want to stand and argue when he was holding (Y/n) up who was clearly in agony right now but he wasn't having Joe interfering and implying anything like that.

"It hurts." (Y/n) whispered the words into Ben's shoulder but her voice was shaky and all she wanted to do was lay down and curl up into a ball but she couldn't with how Ben was holding her weight up for her.

"I know baby, but I'm taking you to the doctor now." Ben mumbled the words against her hair before he moved to keep both arms secure around her waist without trying to add any touch or pressure onto her stomach.

"She's cradling her stomach like you've punched her-"

"That's enough! How fucking sick are you? I don't give a shit if you say I kill people but I care very much that you'd imply I'd punch my pregnant wife in the stomach. Now she's in agony and I'm not standing here fighting with you I'm taking her to the hospital and you are not coming with us."

Ben pushed Joe out of the way when he tried to get closer to (Y/n) and the fire in Ben's eyes made Joe freeze. Ben didn't care how many rumours went out about him, he couldn't care less if people thought or whispered that he was a murderer and Joe was in the police, it was to be expected that he would think and say that. But he wouldn't have Joe acting and implying that Ben was so vicious he would start abusing (Y/n) a week after marrying her.

Nor would he have Joe spouting comments that he thought Ben had punched her in the stomach. She was pregnant and no matter how many people Ben could beat up, abuse and kill, hurting a woman was something he found very hard to do and he couldn't hurt (Y/n) in that way and risk harming her and the baby. If Ben did that there would be no point in him marrying her because he would have to not care about her or the baby at all to hurt her like that.

"Baby- baby shh, let's get you in the car."

Ben could feel (Y/n)'s tears soaking into his shirt and her grip on him was causing them both to shake with how badly her hand was clutching his shirt. He held her as much as he could without adding too much pressure onto her because he didn't want to put her in any more pain than she already was.

He had to get her to hospital.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Doll, the midwife's here." Ben kept slowly carding his fingers through (Y/n)'s hair in a methodical rhythm, brushing the strands from her eyes and pushing them back behind her ear.

He knew she was tired, the moment they got to the hospital and (Y/n) was seen to by a midwife Ben knew she would be asleep soon. The medication they gave her made her drowsy to the point she could barely keep her eyes open and that was two hours ago. Since then she'd been curled up on her side facing Ben, opening her eyes occasionally to look at him but she was too tired and drowsy to talk.

But Ben knew she would want to hear what the midwife had to say and since he knew (Y/n) was half awake right now it wasn't as if he was waking her up, she had plenty of time to sleep later.

(Y/n) felt like her head was in a washing machine spinning on a continuous loop that just made her want to close her eyes and drift asleep. Ben's hand brushing through her hair was both lulling her to sleep but keeping her awake by giving her something to focus on. The horrible pain in her stomach that she felt at the club turned into what (Y/n) could only think of as spasms but as soon as she was given medication the pain went away and she couldn't have been more thankful.

Moving her hand, (Y/n) rubbed her eyes for a moment before she groggily turned her head to look at the midwife who had a calming smile on her face as she moved over to sit down on the chair next to Ben. She clearly knew that (Y/n) couldn't find the energy to lift her head, let alone sit up in bed.

"How do you feel Mrs Hardy?"

"A bit better." (Y/n) rubbed at her eyes again before looking back at the midwife with a tired but small smile. She didn't feel ill or sick anymore which was something good at least.

"That's good news. Now, the ultrasound and tests we performed when you were brought in show that the pain was because you've suffered a placental abruption."

(Y/n) turned her head a little so she could look over at Ben instead but he looked just as confused and worried as she did. Neither of them knew what that was and they didn't know if that was something they should be overly worried about or not. When Ben brought (Y/n) in he was sure she was having some kind of miscarriage or very early labour. But for the past two hours no one had been rushing in and out of the room once (Y/n) was sedated so he took that as a good sign that the baby was okay too.

"What is that?" Ben stopped brushing his fingers through (Y/n)'s hair so he could look at the midwife and concentrate on what she was saying.

"It's where the placenta starts to come away from the lining of the womb and it's a serious condition. It can affect the baby's growth and increase your risk of premature labour."

"So what do you do for that?" Ben glanced back across at (Y/n) but he felt his heart jumping in his chest when he saw her move her hand to rub across her stomach to try and reassure herself of something. As if she was asking the baby if they were alright and making sure they were still there.

"You're only twenty-three weeks at the moment so we have to play cautious, the abruption is minor at the moment which is what we want. For now, we'll keep you under observation for a week because if you go into labour now, I'm afraid you won't class as a viable pregnancy. Once you're at twenty four weeks we can assess the abruption again and hopefully send you home if it isn't worse. Once home you'll need to be very careful and soon put on bed rest because the abruption won't get better."

(Y/n) closed her eyes and pressed her hand more firmly against her stomach like she was trying to feel the baby she wanted to protect. If she went into labour now it would count as a miscarriage rather than a birth and the chances of the baby being okay were almost non-existent. They would be too small and underdeveloped which meant for now (Y/n) had to be monitored so that didn't happen. As soon as she was passed the twenty four week marker if labour happened it could be better managed and have a better chance of survival for the baby.

"What if it gets worse?" (Y/n) didn't want to think about the what ifs but she couldn't help but acknowledge the fact that something could happen. If this wasn't something that would fix itself or get better or manageable then what would the outcome be if it got worse?

"Well when we send you home after a week or so, you'll get regular scans and checkups to make sure it isn't getting worse and you will be limited in what you can do. But if it does start to get worse, we will bring you back in for monitoring and if any complications arise or it does escalate, we will be looking at induced premature labour. But for now you don't have to panic because you've had no bleeding and the abruption is very small."

The midwife smiled kindly before she excused herself to let them have a few moments to think and talk it over.

"Baby, this is good news considering it could have been a lot worse or you could have gone into labour. You're both okay, this just means you have to stay in bed and let me do everything."

(Y/n) wanted to protest but she didn't have the energy or the nerve right now, it was clear she wouldn't be able to do very much in case it made the condition worse and she knew Ben well enough to know he wouldn't let her do very much either. He was right, they were lucky that the abruption was minor and it wasn't a miscarriage or so bad that they went into labour now. They just had to play it safe from now on.

"Get some sleep, it's not like we have anywhere to be." Ben started to brush his fingers through (Y/n)'s hair again and watched as she closed her eyes again, looking like it wouldn't take too long for her to fall back asleep. Just as (Y/n) started to let her mind drift, her stomach fluttered when she felt Ben's free hand moving to caress her stomach.

[sugaryyangs]

stay.

jaehyun x reader.

written in first person

an attempt at angst.

yn is used to leaving, but jaehyun won't let her. not now, not ever.

enjoy!

❝...my shoulders sag from the weight of my backpack. beneath the dull light of the lampost, my life seems somehow worse than it did in the dark. perhaps, its because my faults, which are normally hidden safely in the dark, are way too clear here.

honestly, i don't like it. i don't like how i'm able to relish in the love of my friends only for a bit, before those cracks within me deepen. i don't like how after a while, when the flame dies down a little, i start to think that everyone's bored of me. that they're over me.

it's silly.

i know how wrong and stupid that sounds, yet i still do it. i'm the one that pushes away, i'm the one that is ready to let go at the slightest call for space.

do i not know that craving space does not mean wanting out? no, no, i do know that. i've wanted that myself. then why is it that when my loved ones ask for even a teensy bit of it, my mind automatically relates it to them not wanting to do anything with me anymore?

then again, maybe they dont. maybe theyre giving me hints, so as to not hurt my feelings by ghosting me completely out of the blue.

that's probably it. everyone always seems to get sick of me. i dont blame them.❞

jaehyun looked up at me, and i could swear the tears in his eyes could drown me in an ocean of guilt.

❝jae- that's- it's for an assignment.❞ my pathetic attempt to save myself probably made the situation even worse.

more tears in his eyes.

❝stop lying to me,❞ he whispered from where he sat in front of me.

i couldn't look into his eyes. i always did this. every single friendship of mine, i managed to destroy some way or the other.

i mentally prepared myself to say goodbye to him. it was over. our relationship, the loving, the pure bond was gone. there was no way he would stay after finding out how insecure i truly was. how disgusting i was.

so, i rose from where i sat on his swing in the backyard of the jungs' bungalow. the grass tickled my bare feet when i walked towards the verandah.

god, i actually lost him. the one person i thought i'd get to have by my side forever was gone. i could feel the heaviness in my chest. pearls sat at the edge of my eyelids, ready to slip down any second.

as i hastily pulled on my left shoe, i was ripped backwards by my arm which caught me off guard. the shoe fell from my grasp when my whole body was spun around and i came face to face with him.

❝j-jae,❞ i begged him to let go of my arm. i couldn't do this.

using my free hand to wipe the tears that had managed to escape, i looked down at the my feet and tried to tug my arm away.

everything hit me one by one; how we'd met the first lecture of freshman year of college, how he'd politely requested my notes the following week, and how we'd gotten closer over countless study sessions, which soon turned into movie marathons, and ended up in us just spendingtime together. though it was slow to form, the comfort i felt around him had blossomed into a secure — almost an unbreakable one.

almost, because i'd ruined it.

like always.

the tears couldnt be stopped at this point, and i ducked my head to hide them from him the best i could. he only spoke once my tugs got harder.

❝stop.❞

the sheer pain in his voice cracked my heart into two. i immediately stopped my efforts, limb going limp in his hold.

for what felt like ages, we stood that way.

i didn't know what he'd do next. it never got this way. no one held me back when i left. what was i supposed to do now?

❝yn,❞ his tone was gentle when he said my name.

❝look at me.❞

why was he doing this? why couldn't he just let me go, like everyone else did? sure, it hurt, but it was much easier than this.

he put his fingers under my chin and tilted my head up, forcing me to look up at him.

and when my eyes did meet his; oh, it felt as if the air had been knocked out of my lungs. he looked so hurt.

❝you aren't leaving,❞

those were the words that left his lips.

i opened my mouth to argue, but he cut me off.

❝no, you aren't. im not letting you leave.❞

i froze. why was he saying all this? even after he found out about-

❝you hear me, yn? not now,❞ he pulled my arm making me fall into his embrace,❝not ever.❞

why?

why did he want to be with me, despite knowing who i truly was?

i couldn't form words, i couldn't move, i couldn't do anything.

and so, i cried. like a baby, i bawled into my best friend's strong chest. his hand came to the back of my head, patting smoothly.

❝wh-why?❞

his other hand slid from where it held my wrist to lace itself with my fingers.

❝because,❞ he kissed the top of my head,❝when i brought you into my life, i accepted all of you, yn. even your insecurities.❞

i clutched at his sleeve, desperately wanting to believe him.

was he telling me the truth? was he really not disgusted by how vulnerable i was at that moment?

of course he is. he's jaehyun, he's your jaehyun. he'll stay.

the voice in my head was sudden, but i obeyed as if what it said was law.

it would take me ages to get over them, but i was ready to start.

i nodded into his chest.

❝okay,❞ i said.

❝i'll stay.❞

end.

[queerlyhalloween]

Not to sound like the joker™️ but i hate western society. I know that hair and clothes aren't gendered, so do most of my mates, ive been working hard at unlearning the internalized transphobia that's just a part of being trans in the UK and actually ALLOWING myself to think about going on hormones and dressing in ways other than "ambigious as possible" despite the fact im non-binary

i grew myself a little mullet because ive not been working in the pub and wanted solid snake hair, ive allowed myself to look at my face and the long hair around it and not despair because i know that longer hair doesn't make me a woman, but the moment you go into a shop, or get takeaway or pass by people in the street its all "move out the way of this lady!" and "thank you, ma'am"

i dont want the gender option of 'other' on my ID i want to know 1 good reason why gender should be listed on an ID in the 1st place

ive just come back from the range and i had my hair up like some e-thot fuckboy, i had to go BACK to the range because they got my click and collect order wrong so ive got two members of staff looking over my order, im dressed in black jeans and a black masc-looking ripped shirt, mask covering half my face and as the manager's showing the kid who served me the receipt they go "oh I served that guy earlier" and the manager corrects them "its a lady". I say "im niether" and they both just stare at me like im a toddler. Im already panicking because the air feels the same way it did when some cunt came after me in the pub toliets. "dont worry about it :)" i say, they both turn back to the tills and completely ignore me.

Anyway, micro-aggressions, ive experienced a lot of them for many reasons over the course of my life and today ive decided to snap.

Not at the people in the range like, just in general.

I will never pass. That's just an element of trans euphoria i will never get to experience. Not right off the bat, anyway. Not where i live, and most likely not in my lifetime. Maybe for kids in LA or Brighton, and hey power to you guys man im happy for you, but people assume or guess m/f when they look at me and they will never get it right.

So when i see people on this site try and twitter etc rank "who's the most oppressed"™️ like a godamn smash bros tier list it blows my mind because of all the things you could spend your days doing thats what youre expending energy on?!

You could be the exact same age, race, sex, gender, sexuality, you could have the exact same disabilities, mental health conditions and money in your bank as another person on this site and you'd still never understand what they've been through. Our experiences, our families, our morals and lives are always gonna be different and the moment you try to write definitive rules on whose got it worse you've already lost and you're already wrong. Oppressed classes are not a fucking hivemind and pretending they are is only going to cause you more problems. I get the strong sense that some of you looked at the word intersectionality, went "ah yeah, i know what that means" having never read up on the matter, then proceeded to play the pain olympics.

And its creating a culture where kids feel the need to spills their souls online to justify living their lives!

You've not listed your disabilites in your bio so you're able-bodied. You're Irish but haven't listed your race so you're white. You're cis man so you've never played with gender and suffered as a result. You're asexual so clearly you're a cringeworthy baby who's never experienced a wrong-doing in their life.

The reverse is true too, if you list every aspect of yourself then you're automatically honest. The more opressed you are the less likely you are of causing harm to others. Psht, don't have a carrd in this day and age? What are you, a fraud? cishet white man playing make believe? Post a selfie or face the wrath of ozymandaus. What's privacy? It takes me 3 minutes to read the bio on this discourse side-blog so clearly they're an angel.

my mam abused me for years, she did the same to my brother when i left home at 18 and my dad drank himself to death. My nan, his mother, never believed me because my mam's a disabled woman with a lot of trauma, and at 14 how do you explain to the woman who takes you to the beach that it's WORSE because as she's beckoning you to the side of her bed so she can scream point blank in your face, or hit you, you're never truely sure, you're thinking about running away because of course she physically can't chase you but she can throw. And then where would you go if you did buggar off?

"You have to sleep sometimes" she used to say to me when I'd piss her off. Other days she told me horror stories about kids in care, and disabled people having their kids taken away, made me promise that I'd always love her and always be her baby, and I'd do that for her because she's my mam, she'd be satisfied then ignore me for a while. I grew up thinking that was entirely normal until i'd tell funny family stories at school and nobody would laugh. The closest I got to truely running away was when I changed my name and pronouns and her rejection, turned to vitriol one night and I so, so, nearly held a knife to my throat and simply fell forwards in the uni showers. Obviously I didn't do that.

But she's had a shitter life than me thus far so she's in the right, as the online black/white dichotomy states. I keep her at arm's length but I'm unable to cut her away without losing the rest of my family because I dared defy the role of eldest child and care for her as I've done my whole life, as is expected.

we need to take things on a case by case basis, and learn when stuff is none of our business.

"Hey! :) I see you've reclaimed (X) slur, without submitting the proper paperwork. Real quick tell me every trauma you've ever experienced or I'll write a callout post :) delete this anonymous message (as is your right) and i'll assume you as sus ❤"

you can only call yourself a dyke if on your 13th birthday, the moon's tender rays struck you through your bedroom window and gave you your first wet dream about girls.

Great, cool. I have no interest in calling myself a dyke, i cant call myself a lesbian because it makes me dysphoric, thats why im queer, but i can assure you that when 3 kids from catholic school pinned me under the bridge and threatened to cut me open for being a "dirty dyke tramp" they didn't play 20Qs with me first to check that i was actually a lesbian.

if your first thought is "well thats just misdirected homophobia, so youre not ACTUALLY a victim" log the fuck off and consider what's wrong with you. Because all our oppressors care about is sniffing out the wrong on you and beating it out, they dont care what breed of wrong it is.

so you're going to spend your day, the enlightened adult that you are, frothing at the mouth because some 15yr old dared call themselves butch despite them being OnLY a BiSexUAl? You're gonna say that trans woman deserves to be suicidal because yes she may be trans BUT she's from the UK, so clearly she loves her horrid country and government. You're gonna say that black lad deserves racial abuse because he's trying to focus on his studies rather than go to protests. That 19yr old who's living in poverty deserves it because they work for Amazon. Texans deserve to freeze to death because there are republicans in Texas.

You're going to harass a complete stranger coming to terms with the parts of themselves society has taught them are worthless at best because they're not doing it the way YOU think is right.

This post has not ended where I started it but I really dont care:

Some of you are so fucking desperate to be the bullies you never got to be in secondary school and it shows. But you're cowards. You can't just admit you want to divide and concur so you do it in a new woke way and when your time on this earth is done, you'll have commited the same pain that's been dealt to you and wonder why you died miserable in a world thats more or less the same.

okay to reblog but dont @ me for a debate because i have, like, real problems and will just block you

[firelord-frowny]

and honestly??? i’m SO aware of the fact that ~hypersensitivity~ is a thing, and yes, sometimes people do tend to go from 0 to like 87 about things that they maybe only need to be at about a 22 for, but...

when you have wounds that get picked at and torn and reopened, wounds that are never allowed to heal and keep getting infected from a filthy environment, OF COURSE it’s going to be overly sensitive. OF COURSE women who spend their actual entire lives literally moving through the world like a don’t-get-raped obstacle course are going to be a bit jumpy at a perfectly harmless man who just happens to stand too close to her in the elevator. OF COURSE a black person who’s been stereotyped as uneducated and unprofessional is gonna get miffed when their prospective employer gasps and smiles and comments on how ~articulate~ they are. OF COURSE people who spend their lives constantly ducking and dodging bullets both figurative and literal are going to become short tempered and easily set off by even a hint of the danger or cruelty or humiliation they and others like them have been subject to for so long. 

A lot of people probably could stand to chill about some things. A lot of things really don’t require as much outrage as people express. But it’s a freaking trauma response. 

I guess we don’t culturally consider it to be ~traumatic~ since it’s so damn commonplace, but how is it NOT traumatizing to be a female-bodied person who’s constantly lectured about how to avoid all the many men who may want to rape or kill us? Don’t walk alone - you might get attacked! Don’t go out at night - you might get attacked! Don’t take your eyes off of your drink - you might get drugged and attacked! Don’t go to a private place on your first date - you might get attacked! Don’t smile too much at your boss - he might get the wrong idea. Don’t wear that skirt to your meeting. Your male colleagues might get the wrong idea. Don’t laugh at his jokes - he might get the wrong idea. Don’t invite him into your house after your date - he might get the wrong idea. Always carry a taser/pepperspray just in case you get attacked! Hold your car keyes between your fingers just in case you get attacked! If you get attacked, yell “fire” because it will get more attention! 

How is that not harrowing?? How is it not scary and demoralizing to have that constant narrative shadowing your every waking moment? At school? At work? At the grocery store? ANYWHERE. So yes, I’m going to be creeped out when some man I barely know thinks it’s appropriate to try to kiss me on the cheek when he ‘congratulates’ me on something. Yes, I’m going to loathe the male boss who always needs to put his hand on my waist any time he stands next to me. 

And lmfao that’s only the bullshit that comes with being a female-appearing person! Nevermind being black at the same time! 

Don’t walk too slow, you’ll look suspicious. Don’t walk too fast, you’ll look suspicious. Don’t wear baggy jeans and a t shirt - you’ll look suspicous. Don’t wear a nice suit - you’ll look suspicious. Don’t stand outside - you’ll look suspicious. Don’t put your hands in your pockets - you’ll look suspicious. Don’t wear your hair like that - you’ll look suspicious. (bonus: you’ll never get hired with hair like that).   Don’t hang out with your friends outdoors - You’ll look suspicious. Don’t spend too much time in that store -  you’ll look suspicious. Don’t rush in and out of that store - you’ll look suspicious. 

And god forbid if cops get involved: Don’t move. He might kill you. Don’t say anything. He might kill you. Don’t ask questions. He might kill you. Stay in the car or he might kill you. Get out of the car or he might kill you. Show him your hands or he might kill you. If you move your hands, he might kill you. 

THIS. SHIT. IS. TRAUMATIZING. 

And going through a LIFETIME of this shit??? A lifetime where it’s a daily concern?? And then you have to turn on the TV and see where some creep-ass politician thought it was okay to rest his hand on the waist of a woman who’s not his wife just because she’s a woman and that’s just How You’re Supposed To Touch Women???

It’s FUCKING INSULTING. Is it a heinous offense? No. Should it cause him to lose his job? I don’t believe so. Does it automatically mean he’s a predator? Definitely not. But it makes sense for someone’s gut reaction to be one of outrage. I don’t live my life in a constant state of trying-not-to-give-men-the-wrong-idea just for some old fuck to put his hands on an intimate part of my body in a context where I would be considered the rude one if I were to nudge his hand off of me or step away. 

YES, women* are liable to feel uncomfortable at any degree of physical contact initiated by a man, because OUR CULTURE TELLS US THAT ACCEPTING ANY PHYSICAL CONTACT FROM A MAN IS “IMPLYING” THAT WE’RE DOWN TO FUCK, SO DON’T! FUCKING! TOUCH! ME! YES, women are sensitive when just laughing at a guys joke makes him feel like we’d be totally cool with it if he groped us. Yes, we’re sensitive to the fact that men will convince theirselves that we’re ~trying to seduce them~ when literally all we’re doing is being alive while having boobs.

People wanna bitch about ~oversensitivity~ but don’t want to address the culture that caused certain people to live in the state of constant anxiety that made them ~oversensitive~ in the first place. 

im so UPSET omfg i cannot believe i stayed up until 7:04 to rant angrily because I overheard like 3.5 seconds of bill maher saying something idiotic.