#even though i did earn it

[furiousgoldfish]

abusive parents: neglect to give you money for school, food, bus ticket, clothing, basic hygiene products, even when they know you need it consistently

abusive parents when you're forced to come to them and ask them to give you money they're responsible for providing you with:

"You only take and never give back"

"Do you think money grows on trees?"

"When are you going to pay all this back?"

"You're a burden on this family."

"You're lucky I'm giving this to you."

"How many times have I given you this already, you never have enough."

"Do you think I'm made of money?"

"When are you going to get a job"

"I should be charging you rent for living in my house"

"But have you earned this money?"

"I work day and night, just to have to throw it all away on you"

"What if I acted like you do, and just said 'no' whenever you needed money?"

"What did you do with the last one I gave you"

"You'll get it when you do x"

"You could have acted better towards me, instead of acting scared right now"

"You'll see one day what it is, working hard and having to give it all away"

"You should be more grateful, not everyone gets this."

"You think my parents just gave me money when I was a kid? I had to x and y and z for it!"

"Imagine if I didn't give it to you, how would you get by then? You wouldn't survive without me."

[mohntilyet]

let me be clear i like veilguard but it does suck that no one disapproves anymore outside of like. three choices. i want to be fighting for my life earning approval back again someone has GOT to hate my ass. i should be careful about party composition and companion reactions again. i miss tactically taking fenris out of the party before i'm nice to merrill like those were the days

[veryaren]

someone called my style of drawing evil rwprillian "biblically accurate" luchi I am so happy. He is so fun to draw actually. he looks most like "him" to me when I draw him as evil reptilian.... It's also slightly easier I won't lie. gosh I love luchino diruse sooo much

(≧∇≦)

[vaguely-concerned]

returnal did not cure my depression but it did give me a strangely healing new perspective that makes it all a bit easier to bear. that perspective being 'I may be having a rough time right now, but at least I'm not inside the head of returnal protagonist selene vassos'

[oceandiagonale]

Actually, Guzman is his spanish name.

OH YEAH some other folks pointed that out too, makes sense since it's an irl Spanish name (probably why I see it around a lot!) 😳

(normally it's a surname, I've only seen it used as a first name once in a blue moon -- but also in the pokemon world it's pretty clear that naming conventions aren't the same lol)

[claitea]

the new skill they're giving n and zekrom in pokemas is called "Unova's Hero" i'm about to crumble into pieces

[quietwingsinthesky]

i dont have credentials in many areas. but ill be damned if i let some commentary youtuber try and lecture to me about the history of mlp horror aus. oh you know what cupcakes is through cultural osmosis but didn’t even bother to read it? you think its sooo wild and strange that people would write about this children’s cartoon but Dark and Spooky? you’re going to stop every five minutes to remind the audience how you would Never support the topics discussed in this Zombie Infection Tik Tok Series About Ponies™️? im going to hit you with a vacuum cleaner.

[victorluvsalice]

Valicer In The Dark: "A Murder Shared Is A Murder Thirded" Outline!

Hello everyone -- I recently started work on the second Valicer In The Dark story, "A Murder Shared Is A Murder Thirded" (aka the one where they kill Bumby), and I thought it might be neat to share with you guys the outline I prepared for the story! Especially since I don't have any Sims 4 stuff to share on Wednesdays at the moment, thanks to the Chill Valicer Save file no longer functioning. :( I have plans for a successor, but it's going to take a little bit to get off the ground, so...

*shakes head* Anyway -- outline! My planning process for this story involved approaching it like it was an actual Blades In The Dark score -- complete with deciding on the type of plan the gang was going to use (and the detail they needed to provide), the loads they were going to have (and thus how much stuff they could actually carry), and doing actual rolls to figure out how the story would progress as they encountered various obstacles! (I, uh, may have purchased actual BITD-themed dice and a dice tray explicitly for this purpose. ^^;) However, I also took a moment to note down any "must-happen" moments in the fic first -- basically, any particularly important or cool bits that were going to occur no matter WHAT the dice said. Reason being, I've done some "rolling for something on the spot" fic-writing in the past with a friend, and I know how fucking frustrated I get whenever a dice roll ruins the cool thing that was supposed to happen in my head. Noting down the things I was DETERMINED to have happen and doing all the rolls BEFORE I actually started writing meant that I couldn't get angry at a good moment being ruined. Though actually, as you'll see, the dice were pretty kind to the trio in this score! I guess they wanted to make sure they succeeded in their task as much as I did. :) So, without further ado, here's the outline/score summary for "A Murder Shared Is A Murder Thirded!" Naturally, there will be spoilers for what happens in the fic, but I'll put most of it behind a cut, and you guys already know I have no care for spoiling my own stuff on here. XD

---

Score: Infiltrate the Houndsditch Home For Wayward Youth in Charhollow, find proof of Bumby’s activities, and preferably kill the bastard

Plan Type: Stealth (I mean, there’s going to be an element of Assault, but first they have to get in)

Detail: Point of Infiltration – the back door into the basement kitchen of the house

Loads: Alice – Light; Victor – Light; Smiler – Light (each have three load slots)

Have To Happen Moments:

The gang successfully make it to Alice’s room so she can get her stuff; possible heartfelt moment when they see the picture of her family on her wall

The gang successfully finds Bumby’s ledger in his office (inside a safe stowed away in a hidden drawer of his desk; it’s generally opened via Lizzie’s key but can be picked)

Bumby shows up, and Alice reclaims Lizzie’s room key and blows him up

Gang successfully escapes with the ledger, and run into Smiler’s parents Matt and Carol as they head out of town; they’re taken back to the Ministry Of Joy for the Names (aka night)

Engagement Roll:

+1 d for sheer luck

+1 d for being bold or daring (they’re trying to expose a known philanthropist as a child pimp)

+1 d for exposing a vulnerability of the target (Dr. Bumby has written off Alice as lost in the city and hired a new dogsbody, AND he doesn’t think she’d ever get anyone to help her if she did tell anyone about his activities)

3d total

Result: 1, 2, 4 – Mixed result, risky position – they get in the back door without incident, but Alice’s replacement June comes into the kitchen as they’re preparing to head up the stairs

Score Rolls:

As per the above, trio encounters June coming into the kitchen shortly after their successful infiltration and have to get past her – Smiler immediately introduces themselves and explains that they were hoping to meet with Dr. Bumby to see if they could form a partnership, as they believe their alchemical prowess would help the man in his work (they are indeed cringing on the inside as they say this) – Sway, 2d – 6! June believes them and sends them up to see Dr. Bumby with the other two

Safely inside the house, Victor gets the idea for Alice to get her stuff from her room before they proceed further (having already suggested they grab it before they went); Alice agrees with this and they grab her things (1 load for Victor, who I picture as carrying the bag)

Head up the stairs to Bumby’s office, encounter one of the children (Abigail? Charlie?) in the upstairs hallway, who naturally recognizes Alice and wants to tell Dr. Bumby she’s back – Alice tries to tell them no, with Smiler backing her up by claiming they want to surprise him – Command, 3d (+1 for Smiler’s help, 1 stress for Smiler; +1 for pushing herself, 2 stress for Alice) – 5. The kid agrees not to go tell Dr. Bumby right now, but it’s clear that they will tell him the next time they see him… Start a “Bumby Shows Up” clock as a result, four pieces, none ticked so far

Into the office before Dr. Bumby shows up! Time to find that ledger… The trio split up – Alice examines the bookshelf, Victor checks Dr. Bumby’s desk, Smiler looks around for anything that might give them a clue as to where the ledger might be

Alice – Study, 2d (+1 for pushing herself, stress up to 4) – 6! She doesn’t find the ledger in the bookshelf, but she does find a book safe with some money in it – +1 Coin for the gang to take with them!

Victor: Study, 2d (+1 for pushing himself, 2 stress for Victor) – 5. Victor finds a secret drawer with a safe in it – but, well, unsurprisingly, it’s locked, and opening it will take a bit (+1 to the “Bumby Shows Up” clock, 3 segments left)

Smiler: Survey, 2d (+1 for pushing themselves, stress up to 3) – 6! While Victor finds the safe, Smiler notes the windows on the side of the office and determines that it would be safe for the group to exit via one of them if they had the appropriate means to do so – cue them going “good thing I brought some rope!” and setting it up for them to climb down (one load ticked for Smiler)

That safe looks like it’s important – shame it’s locked! Smiler offers to try and pick it (flashback to them finding some lockpicks in Elder Gutknecht’s library – as they have, or will have, the “Pack Rats” special ability as Shadows, I will let them squeak by with no stress for this – probably does count as load for them, so that’s a second slot ticked) as Alice and Victor keep watch for Bumby or other suspicious children – Tinker, 2d – 5. Smiler gets the safe open, but Alice hears what sounds like someone coming up the steps… (+1 to the “Bumby Shows Up” clock, 2 segments left)

However – safe is open, and there is indeed a ledger inside! A ledger that is very clearly about selling off children to pedos, and in fact contains some notes from Bumby about the work that he does...and how much Alice reminds him of Lizzie. Everyone is notably disgusted, and Alice angrily wishes that she could get that room key off him, but agrees that it’s better to try and escape. The ledger is thus shoved in the bag, and Victor closes up the safe and stores it back in the secret drawer, before the trio try to stealthily head down the rope leading outside –

Alice – Prowl, 1d – 6! Alice is shockingly stealthy and gets down like a fucking ghost

Victor – Prowl, 1d – 4. Victor is not so stealthy and hits the wall once – he doesn’t make THAT much noise, but it’s definitely noticeable… (+1 to the “Bumby Shows Up” clock, 1 segment left)

Smiler – Prowl, 1d (+1 for pushing themselves, stress up to 5) – 4. And Smiler is also not particularly stealthy, losing their balance as they get off the rope and falling over – just loud enough for someone to notice! (+1 to the “Bumby Shows Up” clock – full!)

And that someone is Bumby, who entered his office at just that moment, saw the rope hanging out of his window, and stuck his head outside to see Alice and two other people, one of whom is carrying a bag. He naturally assumes that she’s stolen SOMETHING from him (even if he doesn’t yet suspect it is his ledger) and starts yelling at her – Alice blasts him as an abomination and reveals that she knows exactly what he’s been doing. Bumby is first like “oh come on, who would believe–” And THEN it registers “wait, she’s here with two other people, SHIT SOMEONE BELIEVES HER” and scrambles out of the office himself on the rope. Fortune roll for how gracefully he gets down, 2d because I imagine he has decent Prowl to get kids to customers – 4. He gets down, but like Smiler he lands badly and is off-balance for a bit –

And Alice, seeing an opportunity, darts in and grabs his watch-chain, ripping Lizzie’s room key off it, while shoving the electroplasm bomb (tick one load for Alice) into his hands. As this is a must-win scene for the fanfic, this Skirmish, 2d roll is only to determine the consequences to her – 4. She gets the bomb in his hands before he can retaliate, and he goes up a treat...but unfortunately, poor June has come out of the kitchen, attracted by the noise, and promptly starts screaming as Bumby goes up, forcing the trio to flee VERY FAST (Smiler yelling “sorry!” behind them) – they are not a crew yet, but they will start being one with 1 Heat on their tracker as a result!

However, score is officially a SUCCESS! :D The trio run until they’re sure they’re not being pursued, then take a moment to celebrate their victory, with Alice being very happy that she was indeed able to kill the bastard (even if she accidentally traumatized her replacement – she’ll want to make up for that later if she can). Talk then turns to getting the ledger to someone who will be able to publicize Bumby’s misdeeds – And then someone says ���Smiler?” nearby, and Smiler recognizes their parents! They run over for hugs and introduce Matt and Carol Alton to their new friends. Matt and Carol are very nice and warmly greet Victor and Alice – Alice, feeling a little guilty, apologizes for getting Smiler into some trouble and preventing them from coming home sooner. Matt and Carol are confused, so the trio explain the Barkis situation and the whole “turns out he was a Spirit Warden and the Bluecoats think we murdered him” thing – And Matt and Carol go, “Oh! No, the actual Spirit Wardens confirmed he was an imposter who killed one of their own and stole their kit, and that his corpse showed signs of being very recently possessed before it burned, so you’re in the clear!” Victor, Alice, and Smiler are a bit “…” over this, as you might imagine. Carol jokes that, “oh come on, it’s not like you killed anyone else, right?” [significant silence] “...right?” Fortunately, this is when Victor hands over the ledger, with Alice and Smiler explaining a bit more about what just happened – after a look inside, Matt and Carol are like, “Oh, yeah, that murder was TOTALLY justified, good job.” They tell them that they can send it onto a reporter of their acquaintance, the lady who runs Publick Occurrences, and that Victor and Alice can stay the night in the Ministry of Joy if they want. As the trio have spent two days since the end of “Start At The Beginning...Sort Of” living in a house with no running water or heat, in one set of clothes, they are more than amendable to this suggestion, and the story probably ends with them on the way to the MOJ.

Post-Score Summary And XP:

Alice:

Stress level before downtime actions – 4

+1 Coin

XP:

2 for addressing a challenge with violence or coercion (commanding the kid, killing Bumby)

2 for expressing her beliefs (protecting the children) and background (she was the former dogsbody at Houndsditch!)

1 for – less struggling with and more indulging her vice (Obligation to the children of Houndsditch!)

Total: 5 – put 3 in the Insight XP tracker, 2 in the Prowess XP tracker (Alice wants Hunt and Finesse)

Victor:

Stress level before downtime actions – 2

XP:

1 for expressing his background (trade, he was the one to know to look for a ledger in the first place)

Total: 1 – put it in the Playbook XP tracker

Smiler:

Stress level before downtime actions – 5

XP:

2 for addressing challenges both with deception (talking their way past June) and technical skill (picking the lock on the safe)

1 for expressing their beliefs (taking Bumby down makes the world a little bit happier)

Total: 3 – put 2 in the Insight XP tracker, 1 in the Prowess XP tracker (Smiler wants Study and Finesse)

Downtime Activities:

Alice:

House Rule – if a score serves as indulging a vice for a character, that character automatically gets 1 stress knocked off the tracker at the end – stress down to 3

Train Insight, +1 XP in that tracker (Alice is working toward Hunt – maybe she gets pulled into a game of tag with some of the younger members of the cult XD)

Train Prowess, +1 XP in that tracker (Alice is also working toward Finesse – does some drawing)

Victor:

Train Playbook, +1 XP (Victor talks to some of the Whispers in the cult, starts getting excited about being one despite himself)

Train Resolve, +1 XP (Victor might as well work toward another Attune dot)

Smiler:

Indulge Pleasure Vice – 4, stress down to 1 (entertains themselves and their new friends with some songs on their guitar)

Train Prowess, +1 XP in that tracker (Smiler is working toward Finesse, and playing the guitar works with THAT too)

[moe-broey]

I don't think this is Moe's first offense (saying something brazen/flippant) but I do think it's the first time it's called the King a bitch. And it won't be the last! The funniest part of Anna being the one to take charge and chew Moe out is that it gives Moe the opportunity to do The Exact Same Thing to Alfonse one-on-one (you know... to test the waters... to see how he feels about it....). Which it is. Also promptly chastised for.

FAVE PANELS...

[incesthemes]

so the first seal shall be broken when a righteous man sheds blood in hell.

and i want to postulate on this concept of the righteous man. both john and dean are considered by this prophecy to be "righteous men," and of course they are both candidates for michael's vessel. it's in their blood.

but at the same time, this is a destiny that must still be fulfilled. action is required to create a righteous man—aka, they have to be sent to hell in the first place. they have to become worthy of being michael's vessel through their participation in starting the apocalypse.

john dies in 201. he's at peace; he's accepted the terms of his deal, and he's accepted his fate. his soul and the colt for dean's life.

there are two conflicts presented across season 1:

the first is on the topic of revenge. ultimately, the conclusion is that revenge is pointless, it will lead to no positive outcome—the past has already happened, and once blood is spilled there's no getting out of it, no stopping. knowing what happened to her brother didn't make kathleen feel better about his death. max killing his family didn't make his pain go away.

the second is on the topic of family. it's a more subtle theme, i guess, suggesting that family will invite destruction to everyone around them. the tagline "the good of the many outweighs the good of the one" is proven to be erroneous and ruinous: by choosing the family, by choosing to protect loved ones, great harm will inevitably come to the outsiders. we see this foreshadowed in 111; we see this exemplified when dean shoots and kills an innocent man in 121.

so choosing revenge and choosing family are both bad choices. but the conflict of season 1 is revenge vs family—sam as the protagonist has to choose one or the other. he's not given a third option.

john, however, finds that third option. he abandons his quest for revenge by relinquishing the colt to azazel, and he abandons his family by sacrificing himself. the act of sacrifice is seen as a selfish one (see: crossroad blues), one committed by a man who cares more about his own feelings than that of the person he saved. this is the recurring narrative throughout seasons 2 and 3—it's not something that john did for his son, it's something he did for himself. and in fact, his act of sacrifice puts sam and dean in more danger by leaving them without a weapon to combat azazel and without any of john's knowledge about the demon or sam's fate.

he doesn't choose revenge. he apparently doesn't choose family. he found the third option: he removed himself from the story.

so he managed to choose both "correct" options: he avoided ruin by abandoning his revenge, and he avoided ruin by abandoning his family. and he went to hell.

he became a righteous man, set to break the first seal to the apocalypse.

dean ends up following these exact steps at the end of season 2—the difference is that doing so is dean's fate and not necessarily john's. the other difference is dean is not at peace with his decision to die. john went to hell but he had accepted it. he was ready and willing to go, and he took what was given to him. even in all hell breaks loose, he's happy and serene in death, in hell. it's his commitment to his actions that separate dean and john.

but dean, through sam's influence, second-guesses himself, and his own shame and hypocrisy stir within him doubt and uncertainty. he doesn't want to die; he doesn't want to go to hell. when he gets there, he screams out for sam, wanting to be saved.

dean breaks. john doesn't.

obviously dean going to hell and breaking the seal was part of his destiny—that much is obvious. but i think it's important that it's dean's actions and decisions that lead him down that path, that he's not a passive receptor for his fate. it doesn't happen to him; he chooses it. sam has to act and decide in order to fulfill his destiny, so dean should be beholden to that same thing. which is why i like this interpretation that it's this selfish sacrifice that creates a righteous man—by dean's own hands he creates his destiny and starts the apocalypse.

john was able to escape this because he's not faced with the same conflict dean is. he's able to find peace and take himself out of the story, choosing both "correct" options and being okay with those decisions. dean makes those same "correct" decisions as john (in dean's case, the conflict he is given is not revenge vs family but duty vs family, and he abandons his duty and his family all the same), but he lacks the conviction that john has. he can't remove himself from the story, he's filled with doubt and unresolved tension, he can't let go fully. there is no peace in dean's story, and the righteous man broke.

and as he breaks, so shall it break.

[arlo-venn]

y'all i slept for 21+ hours uninterrupted? haven't done that in a a while.

[savage-rhi]

*inhales deeply*

LET'S GET DANGEROUS....

I know I don't owe anyone anything, but I want to be transparent about why I've not been as active lately.

My recent job loss and the discrimination that contributed to said loss had me severely depressed. After coming down a little from survivor/PTSD mode, I needed to take space from everyone and everything. I am starting to feel better, thankfully.

I have been performing odd jobs in my neighborhood so that I am good on cash for bills and housing this month and part of next month. Beyond that, I don't know what to expect.

I am still working on my Ko-Fi shop. This is one of those things I jumped right into thanks to survivor mode, and I didn't account for everything as thoroughly so I'm taking my time with it.

I did speak to a few legal advocates and a couple of lawyers during these past few weeks. Here's the good, bad, and ugly:

Good: Yes, there was illegal discrimination at play. My place of employment didn't handle things the way they should've regarding my excused absences related to disability, and they contributed to emotional duress and screwed over my education prospects.

Bad: I didn't have a paper trail for everything, but I had enough to prove that I did what I was supposed to do on my end when it came to adhering to my place of employments processes. There is sadly nothing that can be done about the third party health insurance company that played a role in screwing me over.

Ugly: Even with the pro-bono stuff that was offered, I'm looking between 20,000-35,000k out of pocket if I wanted to take this to the highest.

Folks...I do not have 20-35k lying around nor the emotional bandwidth to go through a trial/suit. Yes, GoFundMe is an option if I was dead serious on dragging these fuckers dicks through the dirt, but guys, honest to god, I'd rather that 20k-35k go to the following:

Keeping a roof over my head and food on the table until I have stable employment

Ensuring I can afford medical care for my disability, and afford new tests that I'm going to need for long-covid issues

Help me stay in my graduate courses/obtain my therapy licensure

Use it to help out other disabled folks in similar situations

I have closure that I was indeed wronged, that I did everything on my end to the best of my ability, and these dehumanizing assholes aren't going to rob anymore of my energy or time than they already have.

I have appointments to see if covid has fucked up or contributed to anything more serious that hasn't been addressed. I have a secondary PCP now cause of health concerns that have gotten worse. My fibromyalgia flares have been more chaotic since catching covid in January and I'm still figuring out what my new baseline is with that.

Spring Term of my graduate studies started last week, and I'm getting as much as I can done so I have more free time.

I am trying to find motivation to work my fanfics, drabbles, interacting, etc. It's been hard with everything.

My former employer is trying to get out of unemployment benefits and I've been battling that on top of the other stuff.

I need time to rest (like hibernate) and I haven't had the opportunity to do that.

Thank you again to everyone who has checked in on me, asked me how I've been, sent something positive, or donated. I'm sorry I haven't had the hit points to get to everyone individually, but I am trying and I am grateful for the compassion and appreciation.

If you still want to donate before my Ko-Fi shop is up, you can donate at these places:

PayPal: JayRex1463@yahoo.com

Kofi: KitchenRaptorJ

CashApp: $JayRex1463

If you don't have the means, that's a okay. Take care of yourself first.

If you want to send me comfort things (Ardyn Izunia, Higgs Monaghan, Karl Heisenberg, dinosaurs, dragons, etc.) like art, fanfic, etc. my way, that would be wonderful and I am open to that. I'm still open to a friendly hello or check in, just know I won't respond right away.

Now that all is said and done...

[cesium-sheep]

aaaaaaa okey I ordered the speaker and the star projector. (and a beauty blender and a neck support and the new volume of yona and the garbage disposal cleaner matt wanted.) it was still only $35 actually out of pocket and I get my allowance in the morning which will completely replace that amount. I will definitely like the speaker and if I don't like the star projector arin will.

[lightblueminecraftorchid]

My roommate and I had a conversation last night and I keep rotating it in my brain and I Don’t Like It

[twistitch]

Very excited for next summer. Got some tickets to go see Ghost. Gonna be looking forward to that, so it'll help me get through the incoming seasonal depression/work frustrations.

Only thing is not looking forward to potentially having to be the one to drive into the city. We'll see what happens, lots of time until then.

Just gonna focus on the excitement and anticipation. 😌

[electric-plants]

i’m such a lesbian that i actually forced myself to do adventure missions in order to get her