#even though I was making almost no money
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this might be nuts but I think my sister & I might try to do a trip abroad with the baby next fall
#I took on a couple extra last minute students#and suddenly I have enough money to like. maybe plan a fun trip#here is my secret dream: instead of giving lots of Christmas gifts#i kind of want to have a tradition of giving a small gift or two#but then having our big joint gift be a trip#which we would ideally take in the spring/summer#and as he gets older we can read books and watch movies about the place weāre going#and then when heās a bit older he can help plan the trip#like help pick out where we stay and what activities we do#anyway#in college and grad school I got to travel internationally almost every year#even though I was making almost no money#but then I stopped for a long time (pandemic + after)#and I just sort of forgot that like#nobody gives you permission to travel#you just have to choose to prioritize it and save for it and plan it yourself#so idk š¤·āāļø#I also think that like#it could be a nightmare traveling with a small child! but also alternately#it could be a great way to get him used to it early#and also my favorite activities while traveling are always just like#wandering around a new place#and spending time getting to know it#rather than racing from place to place#so that seems like a type of travel that could be possible with a kid#and anyway idk! like any high difficulty parenting challenge#i bet even just attempting it will feel pretty great#even if things donāt go to plan#anyway we are currently considering 3 options: Netherlands or Slovenia or Nice
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so many expenses this month and most of it isnt even for me :(
#i hate that my family thinks i have lots of money even though my brother made a lot more than me#mom keeps telling me my brother might need it in the future so she refuse to ask him any#really shows that they do not respect me at all about this#and the worst thing is its always very sudden#a cold 5 min call where mom tell me āpay for this now! dont postpone itā and the payment is almost 1K#and my stupid ass cant even say no because if i say no they will make me feel guilty and then i feel like i wanna kms and end up paying anw#god#parents are gonna go on vacation soon#watch they'll be calling me soon to give them more money#and then go hom from there#and not bringing me any gift as usual#why should they care about the faggy child that failed to achieve his parents assigned goals#if anything putting all family expenses on me will quicken my death or worse force me to go back to them#so they can hold me and mold me back into what they want#i know their plan and i refuse to follow it#but they probably just need to shout on me once and i'll follow whatever their ask.. sad#i want to recoup by taking commissions but last time this happened and i took too many comms it ended up taking more than a month#i dont think i can handle that much anymore#AAAAAAAAA im tired
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woke up at 4am feeling the weight of my life crushing me, so Iāve been sitting out in my car for the last couple of hours because I just need. to. be. somewhere else.
#tumblr ate something like this but I think I deserve to shout uselessly into the void#shits rough dawg#I know itās rough for everyone. I feel shitty even talking about myself. stillā¦ compelled to ventā¦ big butts#havenāt really been on here much since it hasnāt really scratched that itch lately & just makes me feel lonelier#itās cold#saw the Jazzercise studio open across the street. 5am for Jazzercise? wow. early.#and then everyone left an hour and a half later. lights out. everybody gone. weird schedule. I am perplexed.#went down the road and got a soda and Iāve been sitting in my driveway contemplating for the last 2.5 hours#guy at the gas station tried to talk to me but I just half assed a smile and nod and left#even though I know Iād love to justā¦ talk to someone. I suppose it has to be āon my termsā whatever those are#I miss having a therapist. or even just when my little brothers would talk to me. when anyone would. blegh#my insurance is still a mess and Iām about to run out of one of my blood pressure meds this week#maybe Iāll have a stroke. scary to think about. I think about dying a lot but that potential feels too real. justā¦ pop! and Iām done.#Iāll try today to finally push to straighten it out but everything feels daunting#woke up with so much anxiety. about my health. my hearing. no money. my life. had to get out of the house even if itās just right outside#hate to say it but I need(want) thc. havenāt wanted to spend money on it but I could have really used it this morning#canāt be sad if you canāt feel anything (jokingly but also not. whichever is less sad sounding)#actually treated myself to Dune 2 last week and it was so so good. wish I could go again. but itās drugs food or movie right now. soā¦#I know. dumb priority but BIG SCREEN. maybe itāll hit theaters again for the next awards season hopefully. just a real nice loud experience#anywayā¦ I should go inside. almost 7am. need to take my brothers to school then drive my mom to her daily appointments#Iāve felt so hollow and angry and sad for so long it feels like. I feels so weak and sad and Iām tired of it. Iām so tired.#Iāve been eating about 1 meal a day and sleeping a lot. this is the worst my body has ever been. I feel like Iām just waiting to die.#is this relatable?#just have to look past it. it is nothing. this body is nothing. just enjoy your soda.#gonna look at pictures of butts now#ok gotta go I love you goodbye forever#you can ignore this#text
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who up sinning their fest
#one of my worst recent hyperfixations i'll admit#and i dont even have an excuse like ohhh i used to read this back in the late 2000s before all the terf shit#no i got into it in late 2023 this school year cause i stumbled across the tvtropes page#and i was like 'sinfest'? isnt that the name of that terf Twitter comic? but the cover image showed a sick ass artstyle so i read it#and im just obsessed with it now its such a strange spectacle. its like a political cartoon and a newspaper comic at the same time#my fav era has gotta be late 2000s maybe early 2010s sinfest... hell maybe even mid 2010s sinfest if i ignore the sisterhood#now every strip is just about jewish people or calling trans women groomers#and almost every once-likable character is now canonically a terf and/or racist and/or antivaxxer etc#or theyre just not in the comic at all anymore like my dear criminy and fuschia#i hope we never get another appearance from them godbless#cause last time we saw criminy he was helping squig and slick break a terf out of she/her penitentiary. with fuschia's permission#theyre definitely the best part of 2010s sinfest. a bygone era#the best part of 2000s sinfest is the sharp artstyle and lil e just being evil#and the best part of 2020s sinfest seems to be. um. laughing at how ridiculous it is? its kind of hard to enjoy though.#i intend to stay updated on it because i like being able to say i've read all of sinfest start to finish#but man i gotta get an adblocker soon cause i read it on the official website cause idk how else to read it online and the ads are constant#really funny when ur reading a strip criticizing the prevalence of ads in our day to day life#not as funny when you remember tatsuya is probably making money off of them. so yeah im gonna install ublock#but the problem is i usually read it on my school computer to pass time. and that technically isnt my computer so i cant download ublock#anyways. i could ramble on about how much i love and hate and am obsessed w sinfest all day but heres some fanart of the characters.#id like to make my own headcanon version of sinfest aka sinfest if it was good#but headcanons arent enough... i need to kill tatsuya ishida#sinfest#squigley sinfest#monique sinfest#lil e sinfest#the devil sinfest#tangerine sinfest#images that are horrid to see and look at#mspaint
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I hate that life gets more expensive the more time that passes
I think you should be able to work the same amount of hours for the same amount of pay and be OK money wise forever actually
You shouldn't have to constantly be striving for growth I think
#I've worked a consistent schedule for around two years now and I just hate that I'm worried it might not be enough this year#I really don't want to work two jobs tbh#even though really I'm not in a bad position to since my schedule is so consistent#the main issue I'd have is my weekends already being mostly taken unless I'd want to go from one job to another#I want to keep living my easy simple life though >:c#I like my less then full time hours actually and my almost the same work week every week#and almost always being alone at work unless it's a special sale day#I like having more time for things I like to do over more money for them even though I know it will put me in an early grave#Minimum wage where I live should just suddenly go up to like 20 an hour#It won't because it's a deep red state#Also would only get me like 6 extra dollars an hour since I already make more than minimum wage in the first place#Not like that's hard to do with it being so low here though
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Plans for today are.... no plans. I'm cuddled up on the couch with my duvet and my laptop. My book and some snacks.
I'm really trying to get out of this mindset that I have to be super "productive" on my time off. Trying to end the year relaxed and reset. At the same time, I haven't left the house (except to walk the dog) since Thursday, so I should probably at least go get a few groceries.
But then again!!!! Maybe not. Maybe I should make soup. Use up my leftover veg.
Anyway. Thanks for coming to Katie's Train of Thought Ramblings.
I might have some fic posted today. We'll see.
#i also need to make a decision about moving#but the thing is that i don't really want to move#i know i need a change and even though living with my parents has been good for me mentally and financially i need to be on my own again#even though i have PTSD of almost going broke in 2019#but then again i was in a diff place with work and money etc#ANYWAY#i'm anxious can't you tell
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Dog has a swollen lymph node. Just one for now. Which means her cancer is getting worse already. The longer this goes on, the more detached I feel from reality.
#I've been barely eating for over a week now and don't feel it#all the money i have is going towards her. i have enough body fat to survive without eating properly for a while.#but I'm just not hungry because nothing feels real right now#she's been breathing with more difficulty the past couple days too so i know the tumor on her tongue is getting larger#she's been whining so much too. like way more than she ever has.#and the prednisone has increased her appetite by so much that she's eating almost double what she normally would#she's skipped eating in the morning almost her whole life. don't know why. she's just a picky bitch like that.#but now she wants extra food in thd morning and snacks during the day and extra food at night#i was worried her food would go to waste after she died but goddamn#it definitely will be eaten plus some at this rate#she seems so normal. but i know she's getting worse every day and probably just doesn't want to bother me.#that's the worst thing about dogs. they don't want to bother you.#she's so opinionated when it comes to things she wants to eat or play with. but she's never let me know when she was in pain.#the only times she has are emergency vet visit times#like when my ex broke her tail and she kept putting her butt in my face to tell me shit was fucked up#or another time when her gut bacteria somehow got out of whack and she shat bright red blood all over my house#or when she broke a claw so bad it damaged the bone underneath#anything minor and i have to find it on my own#she's extra spoiled right now#i never tell her to stop unless she's doing something potentially dangerous#like yeah. let's sniff that same spot on the same bush you smell 8x a day for ten minutes girl.#you look hungry. have some peanuts or freetos or cotton candy.#you want snacks even though you just had snacks? bitch. have some more.#you want to sleep in my spot on the bed? thats ok. I'll go to the othef sidd where i don't have my cpap. get comfy.#i feel bad denying her anything when i know she only has a set amount of experiences left#there's a finite amount of sniffs she can snorf or food to be fed and i know it's pretty limited.#and then i get days like today where i don't even really start working until the time I'd normally be getting home#and that enrages me like little else can do because it's taking away from time with the only living thing that's real to me#except the longer i have knowing she's dying the less 'here' i feel. which makes her seem less real.#and i hate it. but i deny myself pain by pretending shit isn't real until it isn't. and then there's no more pain.
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the travel plan:
take bus to go station
take go train to union
take megabus home
what happened instead:
missed the go train
hastily started taking an uber to union
realized I would've missed the megabus anyhow on the way
had to order another megabus trip and ask the uber driver to take me to where the new megabus would depart from instead-
so much money wasted,, OTL
#ying rambles#about almost had a fcking panic attack when i realized i missed the train fml#but apparently the money for the first megabus got purchase reversaled back to me yesterday??#even though they're strictly no refunds??#every cloud has a silver lining or smth i dunno-#anyways i'm on the second megabus now so i'm alright-#just annoyed about how much extra i had to spend to make it home..
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Found out today that almost everyone at work is talking shit about me lol
Yāall wanna know why? Cause they donāt fucking like my dad š
(Rant in tags)
#my dad has been working here longer than I have- like a year and almost 2 months and when he started working here there was shit tons of#favoritism and only the people they liked could do the āextraā jobs that are way easier and more enjoyable and he wanted to change that caus#that shit isnāt fair yāknow anyways shit got changed and they all donāt like him for it even though the regular employees were more happy#cause they now have a fair opportunity to do different jobs#but my favorite part is I donāt do shit wrong they just donāt like me because of my dad š¤”#like make that make sense š¤¦š»āāļø Iām always nice to people even the ones that are rude-I donāt really talk to people and keep to myself#so like how are they talking shit? probably about how I look and probably about how much I keep to myself#I fucking hate people sometimes istg#like fuck all this- I come to work to make money and go homeā¦ weāre not in high school where thereās a bunch of little clicks#there shouldnāt be a fucking mean girl group at work š¤¦š»āāļø#anyways sorry for the rant#random0lover rambling ā”
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okay but I actually do think that Sweet Nothing will stand the test of time unlike, say, lavender haze because the song itself is a rejection of the empty business of the world and the phrase sweet nothing, as deployed in the song, is about finding in the beloved freedom from the weight of crushing expectations and also the warmth of affection and simplicity.
#they said the end is coming#like. Sheās right. The song is right#And also beautiful!#itās painful to listen to it in light of the breakup#and also funny in a dark way because itās so clear she wanted Something not sweet nothing#But even though the language of the song feels telling in hindsight and you can read it as almost grasping for straws#In the context of that relationship#I also just think the song is still true and whole on its own merits. as a story#and the sweet nothing is a play on the language of affection in a way that makes it a Sweeter expression#and a beautiful contrast to the capitalistic/sales/money/more more more culture we live in#and that she especially has to carry#anyway just my two cents#Lavender haze meanwhile is Taylor simply lying to herself and all the world#(No one has ever lied more truthfully. Or almost sold it. Because itās kind of just her throwing a little tantrum) (validTM)#but yeah
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slamming my head against a brick wall WHYYYY WONāT IT LET ME FILL OUT THE FAFSA WHY WHY WHY WHY
#IāVE SPENT ALL DAY TRYING TO GET IT FINISHED BUT NOOO#I FILLED OUT EVERYTHING CORRECTLY I DONāT UNDERSTAND WHY IT WONāT LET ME COMPLETE IT#what makes it all the more frustrating is that this could all be avoided completely if we#just STOPPED BOMBING OTHER COUNTRIES#WE DONāT NEED TRILLIONS OF DOLLARS FOR OUR MILITARY#and the old fucking asshats who run this stupid shitshow all think that since THEY had to pay off their student loans#(even though they almost certainly did not because theyāre all banked up with their daddyās money)#then WE should have to pay it off too#and itās ridiculously overpriced too#for me to attend for four years is $120.000#for WHAT??#i just wanna learn about plants man please this is insane#it would be soooo beneficial to our overall economy if school was just free (or wayyy cheaper) but no#politicians LIKE when weāre in debt to them so they can control us#iām so mad rn if you couldnāt tell#i had a whole rant ready but i donāt feel like being put on a watchlist#if the revolution doesnāt happen within my lifetime iām gonna be so fucking pissed off
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Hey guys. gay rights
#i already made the sonic one a while bc yknow. kinnie stuff youve all seen my blog theme#but then i was wearing my Fearless Year of Shadow(tm) shirt along with it and my irl bff was like.#'why are you wearing a sonic bracelet with that shirt if you love shadow so much š¤Ø' *#(he doesnt know much about sth stuff but ive infodumped abt shadow and his backstory to him many times)#and i was like šš BECAUSE I DONT HAVW A SHADOW KANDI BUT I WANNA MAKE ONE. I WILL SOON#so. now i do!! taking my ad/derall on the weekends always make me want to make more kandi. its great!#and yknow what else it makes me want to do...... talk more on here >:3333#me and my dad are gonna go to a local jazz festival this afternoon bc our jazz combo is playing at it!!#itll be fun. my dad said hes gonna get some food from this really good breakfast place on the way thwre#which is not the best part. the best part is outside the shop there is a wonderful kitty cat who hangs around the parking lot#bc hes owned by the ppl who own the bar right next door#its so great. everybody knows him (the cat) and loves him. the v/ape shop next door has a tip door set up for him even though the#bar owner ppl take care of him and take him to the vet nd stuff. my dad found a faceb/ook page somebody made for him#and apparently it just has pictures of ppl at the bar holding him. its so great and hilarious. this cat is so loved#by the v/ape shop people. by random people at this beachtown bar. by the breakfast shop people.#anyways uh. this post was abkut kandi wasnt it ššš lol#cherry chortles#anyways the add/er/all also usually makes me want to look at and sort through my pkmn card collection. so imma do that#because my dads friend (and my friend too i guess! me and him exchange cat photos bc he has this adorable chunky cat named gremlin) that we#play bar trivia with on tuesdays (dw its not really even a bar. its mostly a restaurant) asked me abt my pokemon card collection#bc the final question was to put a few franchises (it was like. dora the ecplora and spide/rman etc. and pokemon) in order of revenue#and obvs pokemon was the top. bc of factors like the trading cards so thats how that came up#we didnt bet any of our points btw but we almost! got it right! the order was pk/mn dora spidamen friends (the tv seies) but we had spidman#as second. but we still won!! our team is on a two game winning streak!!! we always split the money so next week ill get another 8 dolla >:3#wow i havent hit tag limit yert#lol. yall'll open the 'see all tags' thing and boom. do you love the color of the sky type shit ššš#sorry that sounds too much like aave. i (white baby) cant be sayin that#cherrys kandi#okay well i had a tag with a verse from the ultimarw showdown bc i didnt know what else to say#but with my kandi tag and these two tags i have hit tag limit. thank you folks ill be here all night
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This may be a good and normal thing but I have absolutely zero regrets about having purchased the laptop last night. Like all day yesterday and even as I was buying I was going oh god should I should I not but now Iām not even having second thoughts about the huge display lmao
#SO FUCKING GLAD that I actually did some extra research rather than just going meh the one I looked at before is probably better#I think it was a SIGN that I got paid a little early for the monthās work and then like the day after the laptop I bought went on sale#(Didnāt actually pay immediately so I didnāt USE any of that money but that is besides the point)#Only with the reservation of manā¦ itās bigā¦ and heavyā¦ and REALLY huge and thatās badā¦#I HAD deep down been going āman if only there was a bigger laptop with the same specs as the one I wanna buyā#And then!!! This baby pops up!! With a big display and BETTER specs!!!!!!!!#Cannot begin to express my excitement at playing Real People Games like that hasnāt even been a POSSIBILITY#Stray is at the top of my list right next to ranch of rivershine#And also probably Elden Ring that shit looks NEAT#(Also yes there is a catch and a reason this one is cheaper even though itās better! The one I was planning on getting had an OLED display#This oneās just a normal good old LCD display. But in all honesty that is ABSOLUTELY a sacrifice Iām willing to make lol)#z talks#not horse game#Also the fact itās not currently in stock so Iāll be waiting almost 3 weeks for it also very much feels like a good thing#Like. I have a Date on which I can expect to Receive It. And that means I have a very set time frame for the stuff I want to do to prepare#(mainly organise my cloud storage to make sure everythingās where it should be)#(but thatās a bigger problem than it might sound like because I have a LOT of files)
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Random hot take i guess but i think at some point between legacy and beyond eddsworld stopped being a personal project and instead turned into a brand and that absolutely sucks but it's also unavoidable in capitalism. You can't just make art for yourself and your friends because it's fun anymore, at some point ya gotta make a real tangible profit. And the profit has to keep growing. So of course, eventually you bring out the youtooz of the most popular character even though he's not in the show anymore
#There's a lot to be said about ew and at what point it stopped being personal#and at which point it turned into characters going through planned out scenarios#even though it started out as online friends irl wanting cool things to happen because they were cool#Or actually there isn't because it i kind of a personal thing for the people involved in running the show and their choice#But it is strange to behold#I think it's pretty foolish to blame matt h for wanting eddsworld to make money because that's capitalism that's what it has to do now#just look at digital circus rolling out merch before there was even a first episode#Or monkey wrench struggling between the artistry and the monetary value of their show (they are Not making a lot of money rn (afaik)#Online cartoons HAVE to make money now or else they just won't run#It's a shift in the entire economy online#I think it's worth pointing out that trying to say this respects edd g's death is a bit scummy but I don't think matt's doing that anymore#But it's also a VERY good point that taking this much money from a fanbase you're mocking a lot in the eddisodes sucks#It's almost like this whole situation consists of multitudes and perhaps even nuances#Anyways capitalism bad
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i've determined i will probs never play minecraft again bc the sheer amount of content, while amazing, also is overwhelming to the highest degree but gameplay videos are highly enjoyable. also since finding creativerse it just hits better and terraria is like my happy (moddable) medium.
#plus since they introduced columns npcs block rotation AND painting i have been OBSESSED#like don't get me wrong Minecraft is a lot of fun but there's just SO MUCH#Terraria can be a bit overwhelming at times too especially bc i like it modded but even then i feel like there's less to it#maybe just a bit more emphasis on mob farming#ngl the devs hope to bring mods to creativerse but idk how plausible that is but is2g if they make it a reality i'll lose my shit#it's basically all that i feel is missing#the style/textures are wonderful and the variety of blocks/decor you can craft is unreal#plus being able to tame 99% of mobs is just???? chef's kiss#don't get me started on how they have wiring instead of redstone which means you don't need an acre to set up machines and TELEPORTERS#also similarly to Terraria you can transfer resources from one world to another??? you just have to unlock and craft the chest#there's also the fact that once you get the right npcs almost everything is renewable without having to terraform#one of them even multiplies the drops you get from tamed creatures#i would like to see more customization for the base character model but dressing my character like a witchy green chicken has been hilarious#in short all of them are amazing but creativerse just appeals to me most#oh! going back to the modding thing if they did introduce it i think with the right people the game could become a 3d terraria#which is a DREAM to me#though Terraria was on a whole other level with the bosses/random events#like the mechanical bosses stressed me the fuck out and wof when i was beginning#i don't think i even ever made it to plantera on my last long run roflmao or any of them tbh#blood moon and goblin invasion was always fun and good for money#hadn't quite figured out the stairs situation though so npcs could traverse up AND down but it's fine#Falling Apart And Coming Together
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idk man idk!!!!!!!! having two jobs is so crazy one of them is like literally we hate you please die and then the other one rules and everyone is so nice to me all the time and makes me <3333. anyway guess which one pays me a livable wage lol.//.
#imjustsittinghere#uploads#refusing to be a negative nancy but holy shit i have been dealing with the most annoying situation in the fucking world at work#like i have to reply to an email but im literally dumbfounded th whole situation is so fucking dumb i cant believe it#anyway though love my little vintage store job#i work there four days a week now and its great : )#even just like. in almost 6 years of my one job i never went to the christmas party cause ick even my boss was like yeah it sucks#went to store jobs christmas party last weekend got drunk and sang karaoke and i dont even feel that stupid about it lol#simply wish i could get paid like a good amount so i could just work there and not have to sweat about money#might do it anyway though other job making me so > : |#ok refusing to stew about it its christmas holiday season#going to my moms to bake cookies tomorrow <3 then im off saturday maybe ill have a nice little day n enjoy myself
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