#even though I was making almost no money
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this might be nuts but I think my sister & I might try to do a trip abroad with the baby next fall
#I took on a couple extra last minute students#and suddenly I have enough money to like. maybe plan a fun trip#here is my secret dream: instead of giving lots of Christmas gifts#i kind of want to have a tradition of giving a small gift or two#but then having our big joint gift be a trip#which we would ideally take in the spring/summer#and as he gets older we can read books and watch movies about the place weāre going#and then when heās a bit older he can help plan the trip#like help pick out where we stay and what activities we do#anyway#in college and grad school I got to travel internationally almost every year#even though I was making almost no money#but then I stopped for a long time (pandemic + after)#and I just sort of forgot that like#nobody gives you permission to travel#you just have to choose to prioritize it and save for it and plan it yourself#so idk š¤·āāļø#I also think that like#it could be a nightmare traveling with a small child! but also alternately#it could be a great way to get him used to it early#and also my favorite activities while traveling are always just like#wandering around a new place#and spending time getting to know it#rather than racing from place to place#so that seems like a type of travel that could be possible with a kid#and anyway idk! like any high difficulty parenting challenge#i bet even just attempting it will feel pretty great#even if things donāt go to plan#anyway we are currently considering 3 options: Netherlands or Slovenia or Nice
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Just got a rude reminder about how great it is to never have children/ be an only child.
There's too much drama involved with dying, apparently.
#when grandaddy died. everyone was arguing over this and that. speaking over his widow and trying to plan his funeral instead of her and his#two daughters. three people who truly knew and listened to him. My mom was almost forced out of the first row at the funeral service by her#step brothers. mom and I got cheated out of things that were bequethed to us. and there was a lot of fighting.#my brother died and his son wanted some ashes. Momma didn't know until it was too late bc my nephews mom and her family wanted to start shit#he was not allowed to come with us to the graveyard. they forced him to leave before he could speak for himself.#some old man just died and my mom's friend (who made herself the center of attention at my brother's funeral) just called bitching and#cussin about some body shooting a dog and starting all kinds of shit over dogs and land and all that jazz like#and watching Dallas... both J.R. Ewings are obsessed with money. land. succession. and inheritance. and they always start trouble over that#Miss Ellie's brother came around bc he was dying and wanted to spend his last days with his sister while Jock and Jr started shit about land#ownership. Garrison didn't want Sourhfork even though HE inherited the ranch like. bro#how am I the only normal person in this shitshow?? I have Bipolar AuDHD!?!?!?! I halluncinate! BRO!!#death#inheritance#succession#family drama#ugh#tbh#even if my brother was alive I feel like there would be less drama between him and I.#I think I'd just take what I wanted and leave the rest with him. Is that what Mama wants? Absolutely not...#but I don't care. We can't take anything with us when we go. It'll all end up in a dump. antique shop. or collector's house anyway#none of it matters#most people never leave a mark on the world and THAT'S OKAY! we don't have to be remarkable to have worth right now#everyone will die when it's time for them to... no need to kick up a fuss.#the land might end up ruined or sold to the government or developed into something amazing. so what?#you're dead! IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU WANT!! that's the beauty of it all!#the shortness. the finality of it all. Life's too short for bullshit. You gotta party like it's your last day. every day.#one of the most rebellious things we can do in the fave of facism is to live true and unbothered (i know it's difficult)#if They want to suffer. They can. Don't submit in advance! I believe in Hope. It's all we have#I'll get my top surgery in time. I'll make my transition! I'll pick a name!! I believe in a future where We can live happier!#because I love humanity! I love the Earth and everything she has to offer. The endless beauty of living in spite of it all
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Given everything by Trump has done how can a Christian defend voting for him at all?
This is a loaded question and a logical fallacy that is attempting to lead the person answering to a specific, predetermined conclusion. This is not a question asked in good faith or with good intentions.
Now if you said that there is a lot of less than savory rumors about him and how do we as Christians go about figuring out what is the truth and what are lies and then figuring out what to do with the truth we find out about him, I would play ball with something like that. But as your current question stands, I wonāt answer a loaded question.
#shenzi gets anons#practically all the rumors about him are false btw#a lot of people like to claim heās racist and when I ask for sources people just say#āwell everything he says is racistā#which isnāt even remotely true and they can never find a source that can actually back this claim up#a lot of people but especially the left seem to forget that we had a booming economy under him as well as record#RECORD#low unemployment rates which meant tons of people were employed and making money and helping the economy be stable#he actually respects personnel in the military and did what he could to keep them out of unnecessary conflict#thatās a huge plus in my book since I have a lot of family that is either serving or has served#Iām not claiming the man is perfect he is far from it#heās arrogant and self important but he also hasnāt done nearly any of what people accuse him of#and itās frustrating to have a conversation with almost anyone nowadays because people either worship the guy#or think heās the actual devil and thereās little in between#though if I had to pick I would rather talk to people who worship him because at least they wouldnāt feel justified#in physically assulting me just because I say I donāt hate the guy#anyway
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so many expenses this month and most of it isnt even for me :(
#i hate that my family thinks i have lots of money even though my brother made a lot more than me#mom keeps telling me my brother might need it in the future so she refuse to ask him any#really shows that they do not respect me at all about this#and the worst thing is its always very sudden#a cold 5 min call where mom tell me āpay for this now! dont postpone itā and the payment is almost 1K#and my stupid ass cant even say no because if i say no they will make me feel guilty and then i feel like i wanna kms and end up paying anw#god#parents are gonna go on vacation soon#watch they'll be calling me soon to give them more money#and then go hom from there#and not bringing me any gift as usual#why should they care about the faggy child that failed to achieve his parents assigned goals#if anything putting all family expenses on me will quicken my death or worse force me to go back to them#so they can hold me and mold me back into what they want#i know their plan and i refuse to follow it#but they probably just need to shout on me once and i'll follow whatever their ask.. sad#i want to recoup by taking commissions but last time this happened and i took too many comms it ended up taking more than a month#i dont think i can handle that much anymore#AAAAAAAAA im tired
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woke up at 4am feeling the weight of my life crushing me, so Iāve been sitting out in my car for the last couple of hours because I just need. to. be. somewhere else.
#tumblr ate something like this but I think I deserve to shout uselessly into the void#shits rough dawg#I know itās rough for everyone. I feel shitty even talking about myself. stillā¦ compelled to ventā¦ big butts#havenāt really been on here much since it hasnāt really scratched that itch lately & just makes me feel lonelier#itās cold#saw the Jazzercise studio open across the street. 5am for Jazzercise? wow. early.#and then everyone left an hour and a half later. lights out. everybody gone. weird schedule. I am perplexed.#went down the road and got a soda and Iāve been sitting in my driveway contemplating for the last 2.5 hours#guy at the gas station tried to talk to me but I just half assed a smile and nod and left#even though I know Iād love to justā¦ talk to someone. I suppose it has to be āon my termsā whatever those are#I miss having a therapist. or even just when my little brothers would talk to me. when anyone would. blegh#my insurance is still a mess and Iām about to run out of one of my blood pressure meds this week#maybe Iāll have a stroke. scary to think about. I think about dying a lot but that potential feels too real. justā¦ pop! and Iām done.#Iāll try today to finally push to straighten it out but everything feels daunting#woke up with so much anxiety. about my health. my hearing. no money. my life. had to get out of the house even if itās just right outside#hate to say it but I need(want) thc. havenāt wanted to spend money on it but I could have really used it this morning#canāt be sad if you canāt feel anything (jokingly but also not. whichever is less sad sounding)#actually treated myself to Dune 2 last week and it was so so good. wish I could go again. but itās drugs food or movie right now. soā¦#I know. dumb priority but BIG SCREEN. maybe itāll hit theaters again for the next awards season hopefully. just a real nice loud experience#anywayā¦ I should go inside. almost 7am. need to take my brothers to school then drive my mom to her daily appointments#Iāve felt so hollow and angry and sad for so long it feels like. I feels so weak and sad and Iām tired of it. Iām so tired.#Iāve been eating about 1 meal a day and sleeping a lot. this is the worst my body has ever been. I feel like Iām just waiting to die.#is this relatable?#just have to look past it. it is nothing. this body is nothing. just enjoy your soda.#gonna look at pictures of butts now#ok gotta go I love you goodbye forever#you can ignore this#text
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who up sinning their fest
#one of my worst recent hyperfixations i'll admit#and i dont even have an excuse like ohhh i used to read this back in the late 2000s before all the terf shit#no i got into it in late 2023 this school year cause i stumbled across the tvtropes page#and i was like 'sinfest'? isnt that the name of that terf Twitter comic? but the cover image showed a sick ass artstyle so i read it#and im just obsessed with it now its such a strange spectacle. its like a political cartoon and a newspaper comic at the same time#my fav era has gotta be late 2000s maybe early 2010s sinfest... hell maybe even mid 2010s sinfest if i ignore the sisterhood#now every strip is just about jewish people or calling trans women groomers#and almost every once-likable character is now canonically a terf and/or racist and/or antivaxxer etc#or theyre just not in the comic at all anymore like my dear criminy and fuschia#i hope we never get another appearance from them godbless#cause last time we saw criminy he was helping squig and slick break a terf out of she/her penitentiary. with fuschia's permission#theyre definitely the best part of 2010s sinfest. a bygone era#the best part of 2000s sinfest is the sharp artstyle and lil e just being evil#and the best part of 2020s sinfest seems to be. um. laughing at how ridiculous it is? its kind of hard to enjoy though.#i intend to stay updated on it because i like being able to say i've read all of sinfest start to finish#but man i gotta get an adblocker soon cause i read it on the official website cause idk how else to read it online and the ads are constant#really funny when ur reading a strip criticizing the prevalence of ads in our day to day life#not as funny when you remember tatsuya is probably making money off of them. so yeah im gonna install ublock#but the problem is i usually read it on my school computer to pass time. and that technically isnt my computer so i cant download ublock#anyways. i could ramble on about how much i love and hate and am obsessed w sinfest all day but heres some fanart of the characters.#id like to make my own headcanon version of sinfest aka sinfest if it was good#but headcanons arent enough... i need to kill tatsuya ishida#sinfest#squigley sinfest#monique sinfest#lil e sinfest#the devil sinfest#tangerine sinfest#images that are horrid to see and look at#mspaint
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Ugh. Insurance need to get this claim through so I can get a rental car and get to work tomorrow
#had to take today and yesterday off bc I donāt have a car#and public transport doesnāt really exist in my town and uber is too expensive#but the company is being so silly and I still donāt have a car from my last accident#but like. I need a car#and I wonāt be able to babysit tonight unless I get one in a few hours#and the rental place closes in theee hours#but the adjuster is working suuuuper slow#so Iām just at home doing homework instead of at work making money#and Iāve had to use two days of vacation :(#ok. back to homework but just know Iām doing it while fucking PISSED bc I need a car!!!!!#em rambles#edit: i'm yapping here bc i've been home alone for almost two days now and need to feel like im chatting even though i dont have the energy#to actually chat with someone lol#anyway. not as urgent that i get a car tomorrow bc work is cancelled for a snow day (yayy) but college is not yet cancelled so cross finger#for me please. its cold and theres suppoed to be like 4-10 inches of snow#and theres still snow from the last snowstorm!
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i've drafted and deleted so many posts that basically just boil down to "oh my god help me i love this worm" and "can someone please remove this worm from my brain, he is making me insane". please know that i am holding myself back from making one like at least once an hour ššššš
#this is the hardest a hyperfixation has hit in a loooong time jesus christ i am honestly kind of in hell dshgjkl#idk if i can even make art bc to make art i'd have to think about lines and shapes. and that would be time spent Not thinking abt GGG.#like. i feel shaky bc i want to make art so badly but i cannot seem to sit my ass down and draw. brain going too fast. HOUGHHH#i'm also trying rly hard to make sure i am conversing w ppl properly and not being rude. haven't talked to anyone abt it irl yet.#and also making sure i eat but URRGGHH i just ... want to think about GGG and make art for it and read about it and replay it#i have been working so hard to try to stay functional šš I GOT MY WELFARE CHEQUE SORTED OUT TODAY THOUGH#SO THAT'S A HUGE WIN.... i will have money to buy groceries AND a few craft ingredients now [evil grinch face]#my god u should've seen my internal processing earlier today though HFSJKL i was restraining myself SO hard in a convo#i just wanted to talk about GGG and show everyone the worm but that would've been rude#so i had to just sit there while they talked about trees (which normally i would be interested in and enjoy. but the worm!!!)#it was so painful HFDSJKL i was like. actually almost physically shaking w the effort of staying quiet and trying to focus on the convo LOL#dandy.cmd
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I hate that life gets more expensive the more time that passes
I think you should be able to work the same amount of hours for the same amount of pay and be OK money wise forever actually
You shouldn't have to constantly be striving for growth I think
#I've worked a consistent schedule for around two years now and I just hate that I'm worried it might not be enough this year#I really don't want to work two jobs tbh#even though really I'm not in a bad position to since my schedule is so consistent#the main issue I'd have is my weekends already being mostly taken unless I'd want to go from one job to another#I want to keep living my easy simple life though >:c#I like my less then full time hours actually and my almost the same work week every week#and almost always being alone at work unless it's a special sale day#I like having more time for things I like to do over more money for them even though I know it will put me in an early grave#Minimum wage where I live should just suddenly go up to like 20 an hour#It won't because it's a deep red state#Also would only get me like 6 extra dollars an hour since I already make more than minimum wage in the first place#Not like that's hard to do with it being so low here though
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Plans for today are.... no plans. I'm cuddled up on the couch with my duvet and my laptop. My book and some snacks.
I'm really trying to get out of this mindset that I have to be super "productive" on my time off. Trying to end the year relaxed and reset. At the same time, I haven't left the house (except to walk the dog) since Thursday, so I should probably at least go get a few groceries.
But then again!!!! Maybe not. Maybe I should make soup. Use up my leftover veg.
Anyway. Thanks for coming to Katie's Train of Thought Ramblings.
I might have some fic posted today. We'll see.
#i also need to make a decision about moving#but the thing is that i don't really want to move#i know i need a change and even though living with my parents has been good for me mentally and financially i need to be on my own again#even though i have PTSD of almost going broke in 2019#but then again i was in a diff place with work and money etc#ANYWAY#i'm anxious can't you tell
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Dog has a swollen lymph node. Just one for now. Which means her cancer is getting worse already. The longer this goes on, the more detached I feel from reality.
#I've been barely eating for over a week now and don't feel it#all the money i have is going towards her. i have enough body fat to survive without eating properly for a while.#but I'm just not hungry because nothing feels real right now#she's been breathing with more difficulty the past couple days too so i know the tumor on her tongue is getting larger#she's been whining so much too. like way more than she ever has.#and the prednisone has increased her appetite by so much that she's eating almost double what she normally would#she's skipped eating in the morning almost her whole life. don't know why. she's just a picky bitch like that.#but now she wants extra food in thd morning and snacks during the day and extra food at night#i was worried her food would go to waste after she died but goddamn#it definitely will be eaten plus some at this rate#she seems so normal. but i know she's getting worse every day and probably just doesn't want to bother me.#that's the worst thing about dogs. they don't want to bother you.#she's so opinionated when it comes to things she wants to eat or play with. but she's never let me know when she was in pain.#the only times she has are emergency vet visit times#like when my ex broke her tail and she kept putting her butt in my face to tell me shit was fucked up#or another time when her gut bacteria somehow got out of whack and she shat bright red blood all over my house#or when she broke a claw so bad it damaged the bone underneath#anything minor and i have to find it on my own#she's extra spoiled right now#i never tell her to stop unless she's doing something potentially dangerous#like yeah. let's sniff that same spot on the same bush you smell 8x a day for ten minutes girl.#you look hungry. have some peanuts or freetos or cotton candy.#you want snacks even though you just had snacks? bitch. have some more.#you want to sleep in my spot on the bed? thats ok. I'll go to the othef sidd where i don't have my cpap. get comfy.#i feel bad denying her anything when i know she only has a set amount of experiences left#there's a finite amount of sniffs she can snorf or food to be fed and i know it's pretty limited.#and then i get days like today where i don't even really start working until the time I'd normally be getting home#and that enrages me like little else can do because it's taking away from time with the only living thing that's real to me#except the longer i have knowing she's dying the less 'here' i feel. which makes her seem less real.#and i hate it. but i deny myself pain by pretending shit isn't real until it isn't. and then there's no more pain.
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the travel plan:
take bus to go station
take go train to union
take megabus home
what happened instead:
missed the go train
hastily started taking an uber to union
realized I would've missed the megabus anyhow on the way
had to order another megabus trip and ask the uber driver to take me to where the new megabus would depart from instead-
so much money wasted,, OTL
#ying rambles#about almost had a fcking panic attack when i realized i missed the train fml#but apparently the money for the first megabus got purchase reversaled back to me yesterday??#even though they're strictly no refunds??#every cloud has a silver lining or smth i dunno-#anyways i'm on the second megabus now so i'm alright-#just annoyed about how much extra i had to spend to make it home..
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Found out today that almost everyone at work is talking shit about me lol
Yāall wanna know why? Cause they donāt fucking like my dad š
(Rant in tags)
#my dad has been working here longer than I have- like a year and almost 2 months and when he started working here there was shit tons of#favoritism and only the people they liked could do the āextraā jobs that are way easier and more enjoyable and he wanted to change that caus#that shit isnāt fair yāknow anyways shit got changed and they all donāt like him for it even though the regular employees were more happy#cause they now have a fair opportunity to do different jobs#but my favorite part is I donāt do shit wrong they just donāt like me because of my dad š¤”#like make that make sense š¤¦š»āāļø Iām always nice to people even the ones that are rude-I donāt really talk to people and keep to myself#so like how are they talking shit? probably about how I look and probably about how much I keep to myself#I fucking hate people sometimes istg#like fuck all this- I come to work to make money and go homeā¦ weāre not in high school where thereās a bunch of little clicks#there shouldnāt be a fucking mean girl group at work š¤¦š»āāļø#anyways sorry for the rant#random0lover rambling ā”
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okay but I actually do think that Sweet Nothing will stand the test of time unlike, say, lavender haze because the song itself is a rejection of the empty business of the world and the phrase sweet nothing, as deployed in the song, is about finding in the beloved freedom from the weight of crushing expectations and also the warmth of affection and simplicity.
#they said the end is coming#like. Sheās right. The song is right#And also beautiful!#itās painful to listen to it in light of the breakup#and also funny in a dark way because itās so clear she wanted Something not sweet nothing#But even though the language of the song feels telling in hindsight and you can read it as almost grasping for straws#In the context of that relationship#I also just think the song is still true and whole on its own merits. as a story#and the sweet nothing is a play on the language of affection in a way that makes it a Sweeter expression#and a beautiful contrast to the capitalistic/sales/money/more more more culture we live in#and that she especially has to carry#anyway just my two cents#Lavender haze meanwhile is Taylor simply lying to herself and all the world#(No one has ever lied more truthfully. Or almost sold it. Because itās kind of just her throwing a little tantrum) (validTM)#but yeah
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slamming my head against a brick wall WHYYYY WONāT IT LET ME FILL OUT THE FAFSA WHY WHY WHY WHY
#IāVE SPENT ALL DAY TRYING TO GET IT FINISHED BUT NOOO#I FILLED OUT EVERYTHING CORRECTLY I DONāT UNDERSTAND WHY IT WONāT LET ME COMPLETE IT#what makes it all the more frustrating is that this could all be avoided completely if we#just STOPPED BOMBING OTHER COUNTRIES#WE DONāT NEED TRILLIONS OF DOLLARS FOR OUR MILITARY#and the old fucking asshats who run this stupid shitshow all think that since THEY had to pay off their student loans#(even though they almost certainly did not because theyāre all banked up with their daddyās money)#then WE should have to pay it off too#and itās ridiculously overpriced too#for me to attend for four years is $120.000#for WHAT??#i just wanna learn about plants man please this is insane#it would be soooo beneficial to our overall economy if school was just free (or wayyy cheaper) but no#politicians LIKE when weāre in debt to them so they can control us#iām so mad rn if you couldnāt tell#i had a whole rant ready but i donāt feel like being put on a watchlist#if the revolution doesnāt happen within my lifetime iām gonna be so fucking pissed off
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Hey guys. gay rights
#i already made the sonic one a while bc yknow. kinnie stuff youve all seen my blog theme#but then i was wearing my Fearless Year of Shadow(tm) shirt along with it and my irl bff was like.#'why are you wearing a sonic bracelet with that shirt if you love shadow so much š¤Ø' *#(he doesnt know much about sth stuff but ive infodumped abt shadow and his backstory to him many times)#and i was like šš BECAUSE I DONT HAVW A SHADOW KANDI BUT I WANNA MAKE ONE. I WILL SOON#so. now i do!! taking my ad/derall on the weekends always make me want to make more kandi. its great!#and yknow what else it makes me want to do...... talk more on here >:3333#me and my dad are gonna go to a local jazz festival this afternoon bc our jazz combo is playing at it!!#itll be fun. my dad said hes gonna get some food from this really good breakfast place on the way thwre#which is not the best part. the best part is outside the shop there is a wonderful kitty cat who hangs around the parking lot#bc hes owned by the ppl who own the bar right next door#its so great. everybody knows him (the cat) and loves him. the v/ape shop next door has a tip door set up for him even though the#bar owner ppl take care of him and take him to the vet nd stuff. my dad found a faceb/ook page somebody made for him#and apparently it just has pictures of ppl at the bar holding him. its so great and hilarious. this cat is so loved#by the v/ape shop people. by random people at this beachtown bar. by the breakfast shop people.#anyways uh. this post was abkut kandi wasnt it ššš lol#cherry chortles#anyways the add/er/all also usually makes me want to look at and sort through my pkmn card collection. so imma do that#because my dads friend (and my friend too i guess! me and him exchange cat photos bc he has this adorable chunky cat named gremlin) that we#play bar trivia with on tuesdays (dw its not really even a bar. its mostly a restaurant) asked me abt my pokemon card collection#bc the final question was to put a few franchises (it was like. dora the ecplora and spide/rman etc. and pokemon) in order of revenue#and obvs pokemon was the top. bc of factors like the trading cards so thats how that came up#we didnt bet any of our points btw but we almost! got it right! the order was pk/mn dora spidamen friends (the tv seies) but we had spidman#as second. but we still won!! our team is on a two game winning streak!!! we always split the money so next week ill get another 8 dolla >:3#wow i havent hit tag limit yert#lol. yall'll open the 'see all tags' thing and boom. do you love the color of the sky type shit ššš#sorry that sounds too much like aave. i (white baby) cant be sayin that#cherrys kandi#okay well i had a tag with a verse from the ultimarw showdown bc i didnt know what else to say#but with my kandi tag and these two tags i have hit tag limit. thank you folks ill be here all night
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