#even my best friends don’t seem to realise how traumatised I am by this

[baited-beth]

Just got invited to my friend’s 30th drinks and she warned me that the friend who cut me off will be there.

Guess who just got shakey and started hyperventilating and crying in her kitchen? I’m starting to think therapy might be a good idea

[jungshookz]

Hey Cee, I don’t want you to answer this publicly if you don’t want to, but I hope this reaches you. I don’t mind my story being shared, I just want you to know that you are not alone.

Last year, I also got into my first real romantic relationship and it was literally horrendous. I loved that man more than I loved myself, I allowed him to lie to me about multiple women, take advantage of my kindness, his girl best friend bullied me and lied about me and destroyed my reputation with his friends, family, my friends and he picked her side until I put myself in the hospital over what she did to me and I lost everybody trying to keep my relationship alive. I lost my connection to BTS (men who taught me to love myself and who gave me so much joy in my life) chasing this man who did nothing but demonise me, weaponise my response to his disrespect, invalidate my feelings and then lovebomb me on good days so that I’d stay. I tried so hard to wait for him to wake up and change but change never came, he only expected me to become more and more tolerant of his disrespectful behaviour.

We broke up over and over, every time I was blocked on everything because I’d call crying over and over begging to talk it out while he’d go game with his friends and say awful, awful stuff about how crazy I was just because he did something that upset me. All of his friends took his side, from speaking to exes to not including me on his twitch streams or game clans or publicly showing he had a girlfriend. I was crazy, I was controlling, I was a demon in their narrative, just so that he didn’t feel guilty about leaving me to cry for days on end while he gamed and got high. It got to the point where I wasn’t allowed to be unblocked on Facebook or Instagram so I couldn’t see what girls he was following or talking to, and so he didn’t have to show he had a girlfriend.

I really felt like I was going to d-word either by my own hand or by the stress because of how toxic and disgusting his behaviour was towards me, so believe me when I tell you that I understand. I understand and I’m so sorry that a relationship where you were supposed to feel safe and loved left you so down that you abandoned what seems to be your calling and your passion - writing. I’m so sorry you didn’t get the sweet love that you so often write about, and absolutely deserve.

I came to your account a lot, you’ve probably seen my messages missing you and hoping that you were okay. Your stories are part of the reason I finally decided I needed to leave. I want the love you write about, not the love I was offered by a manchild. Thank you so much for making me realise what I deserved with your works. You deserve that too.

I walked out with trust issues that will likely never heal, commitment issues I never had before, no desire to get married or have children despite desperately wanting those things for years before I met him. He traumatised me and completely changed who I am as a person.

I just want you to know that you will be ok, even when you have those days when it hurts and it feels like the whole world is pressing on that hole in your chest and making it hurt so much more than it has been recently. You are so dearly loved, and you were so missed by so many people while you were away. You are an inspiration and a large chunk of joy for a lot of people who follow you and support you and we will continue to support and love you no matter what, you give us so much with your stories it’s the least we can do. Please do not feel guilty for leaving us, it was not your fault, you were in love (I suspect) and did what you felt you had to do.

Sometimes, love makes us do stupid things. And when you love somebody more than they could ever imagine, and more than they could ever return, you will do everything trying to latch on to what is simply not meant for you just because you feel that connection so strongly. Whatever happened in your relationship, do not blame yourself. You did everything you could have, and I promise you are better off alone than with somebody who makes you miserable. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY is worth destroying your mental health and I’m so sorry that somebody you loved and trusted has put you in a position where you now have to heal from whatever happened.

I am so glad that you are safe and ok, and if my story resonated even a little, I’m so sorry. Nobody deserves that pain.

Welcome home, Cee. You were sorely missed 🖤

ok this is gonna be a long one but it’s 3:30 and i am wide awake and just flooded with emotions so 

i read this when i was on the train earlier and it made my eyes glaze over not just because it was so saddening to read about what you’d gone through but also because i just felt so much love and warmth from your words. thank you so much for sharing your story and even taking the time to write this out and send it in to me… i’m so, so sorry that your first real romantic relationship turned out to be like that and i’m even more sorry that it’s completely changed not only how you see yourself but how you see the people and the world around you. you did not deserve ANY of that treatment and i hope that one day you find a love that that makes you feel genuinely happy, safe, and comfortable.

i’m so relieved to read that you’re out of it now and (hopefully) healing, and i’m glad that my account and the stories that i left behind could still be there for you even when i couldn’t be here myself. i wish i could’ve been there for you back then, but i am back NOW and as you’ve probably already seen, back to writing and posting again!!!! so i really hope that the blog can continue to be a source of love and comfort as you continue to heal <3 i know i probably say it a lot but every single one of you guys mean so much to me and i really would be nothing without you — you guys are part of the reason why our little corner of the internet is always so lovely and warm and supportive and i am so grateful that we have each other even if we’re separated by screens. it is still so wild to me that some of you have been here as long as you have… time really does fly when you spend it with people you love! 

everything that you said that happened to you completely and 200% resonated with me. the demonizing, weaponizing, invalidating, and lovebombing — everything that he said to me still sits heavy on my mind and i find myself wondering how someone can claim to love you and want the best for you but also call you names and degrade you in the same breath. 

part of the reason why my love for writing had completely fizzled out was because he’d say my degree in undergrad was completely useless and stupid and that if i was so good at writing i would’ve had something published by now, but clearly i didn’t — so obviously i wasn’t meant to be a writer. and if the man that i loved and who was going to be my future partner said i wasn’t cut out for writing, then it had to be true because he just wanted me to succeed, right? i’d think about it all the time and i’d try to write again, but absolutely nothing would come to mind and at one point i had fully accepted that he was right and that i wasn’t a good writer at all and that perhaps i should just continue working at the CONSTRUCTION SITE (hardhat!cee era) that i was working at because at that point we’d moved in together and i had to pick up two jobs while trying to get through my senior year. my parents had completely cut me off, i’d lost friends and other friends had distanced themselves from me and i just felt like i had absolutely no one but him to guide me. and when i got into my program for grad school he doubled down on the uselessness of my degree and i still remember him saying that one day, i’m going to fuck my wife in the back of my mercedes-benz while the little english literature student is at home babysitting our kids. i suppose that i stopped writing love stories because i thought the love that i was experiencing was how real love was like and it felt wrong to be writing about love the way i usually did when clearly real love wasn’t that way at all. i am so sorry that i left the way that i did because i really just disappeared one day — i hope that i can make up for lost time now that i’m back :-) 

i do want to tell you guys a little bit more about what happened because i feel like i owe you an explanation!! i really want to share as much as i can with you instead of just being like :p yeah i was in a bad relationship :p anyways back to writing :p because just like you, this first real romantic relationship completely traumatized me as well and i know i’m not the same person i was before i met him. 

to discipline me, he made me swipe for him on tinder to find a girl for him to go on a date with (because he said that he HAD to do it to smarten me up) and he ended up sleeping with her to get back at me for talking to my friends about all the questionable things he’d said/done (he read all my private texts with my friends and said that it wasn’t normal and that no good partner would ever do this to anyone, hence the ‘disciplining’ method he came up with) and to this day i know he thinks he didn’t cheat on me because he’d “broken up” with me at the time  

he’d break up with me over and over again over silly reasons (the last breakup we had was because he was trying to motivate me to lose weight??? because i needed to show him that i could lose weight now so i could do it to get rid of baby weight after giving birth to his baby one day???)  but in between the breakups he’d reach out to his ex and it’d be okay because we were technically “broken up” (despite him still living at my apartment rent-free and us still going out and doing everything a couple would do) and so technically he wasn’t doing anything “wrong” and at one point i was actively trying to get myself pregnant in hopes that having his baby would force him to change and now that i’m typing it out i’m realizing how crazy i became just to try to stay with this horrible abu$ive man!

there’s an endless list of things that he did that i could give you but that would literally take hours and hours but my god i remember he ripped up our photos because i finished watching a show on netflix without him and i sat there until like four in the morning taping them all back together and i just remember how embarrassing it was going to staples and asking the guy to help me laminate these shredded photos up 

anyway i won’t go on because this has already turned into a literal essay but thank you once again for your kind words of love and support — i’m very happy to be home and to be surrounded by such a caring community. let’s continue to heal together <3 

[ashesandhackles]

Harry And Personal Conflict: A Meta On Evolving Dynamic With Ron and Hermione

One of my last metas on Harry was how his abuse at the Dursleys informed who he is as a person and a lot of his main personality traits. This time, I want to explore Harry's relationship with conflict, mostly in regard to his best friends - Ron and Hermione.

First things first, because of his abusive upbringing where he is constantly in conflict with his caregivers, conflict is seen as Bad Thing when we first meet him as a 11 year old. And it informs how he reacts to both Ron and Hermione at first. He instantly relates to Ron because Ron is an underdog - a boy who feels neglected and passed over in his large and boisterous family. Harry shares his own experience of neglect with Ron and they both bond instantly.

His initial impression of Hermione is that she has a "bossy sort of voice" . The bossiness is an important characterstic to his impression of her - she reminds him of an authority figure and he does not particularly take to her as easily as he does Ron. Before the troll incident, he is frequently annoyed by her interventions because "he can't believe anyone would be so interfering". It's her vulnerability and the fact that she may be in danger that makes Harry, and by extension Ron, go after her. And she pays it back in full with a demonstration of loyalty to them in front of people she wants to impress: teachers. This sets the tone of his friendship with Ron and Hermione.

There is sense of easiness to his friendship with Ron, especially in earlier books that he doesn't quite share with Hermione. This is a bit gendered as well, of course. His relationship with Hermione evolves as Ron's own equation with two of them changes, more specifically Ron's cognisance of his romantic feelings for Hermione. So how does this inform his relationship with personal conflict?

Let's look at it Book wise.

Book 1-4: Since Harry tends to see All Conflict As Bad, when Hermione becomes his friend, he tends to ignore traits of her that he particularly doesn't take to. Specifically her argumentativeness - which he usually leaves Ron to deal with. For example, look at when Hermione drags him off to the kitchens in GOF. When he realises what this is about, he nudges Ron, and Ron does the protesting: "Hermione, you are trying to rope us into that spew stuff again!".

Often, you can say he is amused by Ron's more ..let's say colourful.. reactions to Hermione being overbearing. So when Ron and him are not speaking and Hermione gets a Quidditch term wrong, it causes him "a pang to imagine Ron's expression of he could have heard Hermione talking about Wonky Faints". It's that deeply ingrained into the dynamic.

While Ron acts buffer and protects Harry from stepping into a potential conflict ("skip the lecture", "don't nag" he tells her), Harry's world view remains quite the same. Part of Harry's growing up is integrating conflicting points of view and gaining nuance. For example, he can't understand why someone like Snape, who seems to hate him so much, can also save his life at the end of Philosopher's Stone. This is his first venture into trying to integrate two conflicting things about a person into nuance. Dumbledore gives him a very easily digestible story, one that appeals to his ideal of his father and Harry is sated.

Again, Harry's world view is tested when he finds out that he relates with Tom Riddle - for their "strange likenesses". He doth protest too much at Dumbledore's office: "I don't think I am like him! I am Gryffindor!". And Dumbledore offers him a wisdom nugget: "It's our choices which define who we are" (paraphrasing). Harry is uncomfortable that he empathises with Tom Riddle, his parents' murderer, at this point in the story.

In the first four books, his only proper personal conflict has been with Ron.

It is depressing to think about in these terms - but Ron is Harry's first experience of unconditional love (we can even put Hagrid here, but he is not the one who spends most time with Harry). And when Ron and him fight, Harry is so hurt by the prospect that he proceeds to abandon Ron before Ron abandons him. (the whole chucking a "Potter stinks" badge at him and making a jab about having a scar is what he wants, or the fight in DH where he yells "then leave! Pretend you have gotten over your spattergoit and have your mummy feed you up"). It's an interesting defense mechanism and he feels "corrosive hatred" towards Ron during these times because Ron and him aren't supposed to be like this. Ron is a certainty in his life. It's also why when Ron comes back, Harry either doesn't need him to apologise (as in GOF) or quickly forgives him in DH - although I do think Harry thinks the locket bit was punishment enough. But even without the whole locket, I think Harry has trouble holding Ron accountable in general beyond few slaps on the wrist - especially if Ron and he are on good terms.

5th Book: This is the transition point for Golden Trio friendship. Harry has come back from an immensely traumatising night at the graveyard and his PTSD isolates him from his best friends. This is also the point where Ron, especially after GOF, is aware of his romantic feelings for Hermione ("the perfume is unusual Ron", Hermione tells him in this book). So in this book, we often see Ron and Hermione on one side, with Harry on the other.

Ron is unwilling (quite like Harry in that respect) to engage him in a direct conflict, but he is also unwilling to shield him from Hermione's nagging in this book. This is why, OOTP is the book where you see Harry ignore or avoid Hermione and lie to her more than usual to avoid conflict. For example, he tells her that Snape thinks he can carry on Occlumency once he got the basics - that is categorically not what happened. Or the entire day he spends ignoring Hermione's warnings about breaking into Umbridge's office. (The description here is comical - about Hermione vehemently hissing so much that Seamus Finnigan is checking his cauldron for leaks. ) If he cannot lie to her or avoid her, at the end of the rope, he will treat her to display of his frightening temper.

Interestingly, OOTP is also the book that his world view goes through a tremendous upheaval: mainly, his ideal of his father and having empathy for Snape. It is unnerving for Harry to see Snape being the "boy who cried in the corner" when his father shouts at a cowering woman. Similarly unnerving is that his intense empathy for him - "he knew exactly what Snape felt when his father taunted him and judging by what he had seen, his father was every bit as arrogant as Snape always told him".

While he is placated that his father grew out of it, this memory of his father being a bully is something he cannot bear to watch again in DH. Few chapters later, he grins at Ron "sweeping his hair" back to make it look more windswept, just like his father - suggesting that Harry is beginning to integrate two conflicting things he knew about his father: from the people who loved him vs the people he was cruel to.

6th Book onwards: It's interesting to me that his better appreciation for Hermione comes after OOTP (one, because she is the one who challenged the whole Ministry plan and she followed him into a trap knowing it was one anyway) but also the timing of it is in line with Harry having a more nuanced understanding of his father. He struggled to hold conflicting information about him into one cohesive person - the boy who was a bully vs the man who joins Order of Phoenix to fight a war he could very well have sat out. The pedestal crashing helped Harry gain nuance (he thinks of his father and mother with pride in HBP - of them walking into an arena with head held high). HBP also sets up his deeper understanding with Snape in DH. There is lovely meta by about this by thedreamersmusing. Read it here. HBP is also the book he feels "sorry" for Voldemort and also feels "reluctant admiration" for him - both of things he is less defensive about.

And this nuance informs his relationship with conflicts - especially the kind he has with Hermione. He is more confrontational with her and does not lie or sneak around her as much as he did in OOTP in the Half Blood Prince. ("Finished? Or do you want to see if it does back flips?" He asks her when she takes the book from him to check if it's jinxed. Or the "I hope you enjoy yourself" he calls out irritably when she declares intention to find out who HBP is. And "do you want to rub it in Hermione? How do you think I feel now?" He tells her when she says she was right about HBP).

The fact that he is willing to be confrontational with her is a big step in his character - a step up from his unregulated outbursts in OOTP, which is a function of him not knowing how to put his anger across in normal ways. He is also more willing to stand up for her in front of Ron too - "You could say sorry" he tells Ron bluntly. This is in contrast to his more quiet standing up for her in POA: "Can't you give her a break?" Harry asked him quietly. In POA, he lets the subject drop after Ron flatly refuses. Here, he presses on more : "What did you have to imitate her for?" "She laughed at moustache!" "So did I, it's the stupidest thing I have ever seen".

His relationship with Ron is an interesting contrast to his relationship with Hermione, which functionally teaches a very important lesson for an abused child who thought all conflicts are bad: That his friendship with her is challenging, and frustrating, filled with conflicts but their love for each other isn't disputed. It's a very important thing for brain development in general - to hold conflicting information in one space. The defense mechanism abused children do to avoid this is called splitting.

So, Ron allows Harry to be the age he is: a teenager and it's foundation for his further development, and Hermione teaches him how to be an adult, and therefore, spurs his growth. (In esoteric terms, if you look at Ron and Hermione as proxy parents - Ron is the Mother archetype, the one who offers unconditional love. Hermione is the Father archetype - one who demands best of him, and guides him).

Additional reading: Harry, Prongs and Prince - Harry's Inner Struggles For Forging An Identity. By u/metametatron4

Harry Identifies, and Reluctantly Admires Snape Even Before The Prince's Tale by thedreamersmusing

[rpd-rookie]

HOLIDAYS - LEON S. KENNEDY X FEM!READER (PART 2)

Summary: Leon meets Y/N again and let's say she isn't done playing with him. You don't mind company in your hot tub, do you Leon?

Author’s note: Sorry about the long wait. I know it's been a while since I haven't updated this fanfic or posted a RE fan fiction. I was busy with work and writing for other fandoms. Hope you'll forgive me and that you'll like this chapter.

Tags: NSFW / Flirting / Slow Burn / Teasing / Seduction / Roleplay / Hand Jobs / Slight Angst / Explicit Sexual Content

(Part 1)

PART 2: The Game

Men are foolish to believe they have no weakness. All men have weaknesses. And even if Leon wanted desperately alcohol to be his only one, he had to admit there was another. One more pleasant and yet sometimes as hurtful and as destructive. Women. Sultry strong women. Those who steal your heart, toy with it like a cat plays with a mouse, crush it with their sharp stilettos to finally throw it back at you without an ounce of remorse or sympathy.         How many times he had fallen for those women! How many times he had hurt himself! … And asked for more.

There was possibly something rather addictive, something even rather masochist in doing so. And the fact that he was aware of it showed how stupid he truly could be.

It was a lovely night, slightly cold but starry. The fresh marine wind was blowing softly in the trees and the bursting bubbles of the hot tub massaging his tensed muscles were filling Leon’s ears with a peaceful melody he would gladly listen to for hours.         Eyes closed, he could almost imagine what it truly meant to be on holidays, what it truly meant to relax, to forget. Almost.  The truth was he could not escape Raccoon City … as he could not escape Spain, or Tall Oaks or any other place he had been, any other place he had survived, any other place he had lost. They always knew how to creep into his brain, always knew how to tie his stomach in a knot, how to make his heart heavy, sometimes –often- in moments when he was the most eager for peace of mind. They were doing it right now. They had been doing it for quite some time now. Since the bombing in DC or maybe before.

“You almost make brooding look hot, you know?” Leon immediately jumped and turned around, startled by the cheerful voice pulling him out of his dark ominous thoughts. A reflex he had acquired and sharpened over the years fighting deadly BOWs.    But when his blue eyes lay on Y/N (or Y/SN; He didn’t really know how he should call her), he relaxed and allowed his tightened lips to slightly curl into a weak but sincere smile. “Years of practice.”             “Then that explained the wrinkles on your forehead.” She approached him soundlessly, leaving the shadows in which she had been watching him, and squinted at his face, possibly trying to detail all the little aging signs carving his skin. “Is that why you’re wearing a fringe?”      “It’s not a fringe!” He replied rather offended and yet perfectly aware that she was merely teasing him the same way she had teased him in that bar a couple nights ago. But his hair was sacred! And he hated when someone was making fun of it.    Too bad his little attempt at sounding aggressive only made Y/N laugh and want to mock him a little bit more. Just for fun.            “Well, it looks like a fringe… An emo fringe.” Leon frowned and without realising it brushed his hair aside with an annoyed pout the woman found just adorable. “Wow. You’ve got two eyes. Who would have thought?”          “Are you done?” She chuckled, eyes shining with mischief as she sat on the edge of the hot tub, legs crossed so as to deliberately show her bare smooth thighs no longer hidden under the white hotel robe she was wearing.       Leon couldn’t help but gaze for a second or two, suddenly wondering how that beautiful skin would feel against his calloused fingers, around his waist. Probably amazing. Electrifying. Damn she was good! He thought. Pulling him out of his traumatising memories to throw him deep into a well of lust. Not many women could do that. And it was annoying as much as it was endearing.  “Would you like me to keep you company in there?” She offered in a voice that could not disguise the lewd seconds thoughts she had in her mind. But then again, disguising them wasn’t what she wanted. And they were both adult and experienced enough to know that a woman offering to join you in a tub wasn’t doing it to have a chat about the weather. And that was fine. Leon could use some distraction right now.       “Depends. Will you keep taunting me?” He questioned trying to resist her a little bit longer even though, for some weird reasons, watching her fingertips touch the bubbling hot water and softly caress the surface was making him suddenly aching.         It was as if he wanted his skin to be the water, as if all the things she was doing –even the one that should be innocent- were purely sensual … sexual even. Whether it was always fully voluntary of not, Leon wasn’t sure. But damn, she was surely making her way under his skin.   “Well you have to admit my little taunt got your mind of whatever you were thinking about.” She smiled and brought her fingers to wet her neck as she discreetly and proudly peeped at Leon who was observing the droplets running down her skin with dilated pupils. “You’re cleverer than what you let on.” He admitted. “Sometimes I wonder if you’re playing with me or if you’re just flirting.”          “Why not both?” Her fingers fell to the collar of her robe to slowly brush the soft fabric off her shoulders, revealing more burning naked skin that made Leon briefly fidget under the water. Was he that touch-starved? “Why not something else?” Could she hear his erratic heartbeat in his chest? His brain screaming at him just to grab her and pull her in his laps? See all his attempts at keeping his cool slowly crumbling to let the obscene fire growing in his loins take over?        Her mocking smile made Leon think she probably could.         “And what would that something else be?” He asked, curious.

He watched her take a step back. And unconsciously, he leant closer. Like a magnet. Not willing to be left alone or to let her go. And miraculously, unlike many women before her, she didn’t leave. She simply stood where she was and brought her hands to the belt around her waist.             “What do you what it to be?” And Leon stared; hypnotized again by her enticing moves he wished were quicker. “Or better question. What do you want me to be?” She unknotted the belt and let her fingers crawl back to the collar of the robe to open it slowly. The mere sight of her décolletage made Leon gulp and suddenly all his tries to keep his eyes on her beautiful face became vain as they always found their way back between her breasts. “A college student with daddy issues …” She opened the robe wider, showing more of her skin “…who’s eager to spread her legs for a married man who lost wife, kids and beagle to his best friend? Or…” more of her breasts, her rosy nipples, her belly, offering a glimpse of her young body “A very naked young woman seducing an old –clearly naked as well- emo boy in a hot tub?” The robe wasn’t covering anything that should have been covered anymore. Leon could see everything, everything enough for his cock to harden under the water and for him to thank for the bubbles hiding his arousal.           “Is that what you really are?” She entered the hot tub, towering him like a naked Venus calling to be touched. And god knows how hard it was for Leon not to touch her or to stop thinking about pressing his face against her womanhood. “That looks like what I am right now. Don’t you think?” She let herself slowly sink in the water, not taking her eyes out of him. “And that looks like something you like.” She purred and when Leon thought that she would sit on him, straddle his legs and finally feel his aching member against her… “Only a fool would not like it.”            “And you’re not a fool … Leon.” … He froze.

Leon’s eyes widened. Did he hear that right? “What did you just call me?” His tone, though tinted with surprise, had recovered its seriousness and gravitas. But it didn’t seem to unsettle the young woman before him who was still keeping her aura of sensual cheekiness.    “Isn’t that your name?” Leon frowned, wondering how she knew and what the hell her intentions were. “You know it’s hard to pretend to be someone else when your name and photo was shown on national TV barely a week ago. Leon S. Kennedy the national hero who saved America from bioterrorism yet again.”        “ So you knew all along?”    “ I call it naked truth.” She smiled proudly and he couldn’t help but laugh a little at the pun. “What? You said it yourself, I’m cleverer than what I let on.”           “ So this little game … What was it for?”  “ We can continue if that’s what you want.” She came closer to him, (colour) eyes staring deep in Leon’s own.           “ Cause we haven’t stopped playing?”     “ Well, I’m still playing.” She put a hand on his sculpted pectorals.

The contact, warm and delicate, made Leon slightly shiver and he looked at her palm slowly going down his firm chest, caressing his skin down to his carved abs, following the line of hairs below his navel until it finally reached his still hard sex  “And with what I’m feeling right there. It looks like you can still play with a little help.” He winced as he felt her delicately grab his shaft.           “ You’re impossible.” He managed to say between gritted teeth.        “ I know. You told me last time... You want me to stop?”  She murmured in his ear, her hot breath tickling him in a pleasant way.    “I didn’t say that.” His eyes found her face again but only for a short while. Soon they focused on her lips, now so close to his. “Good.”

For an instant he thought she would kiss him to eventually put an end to that game of theirs. That would have been the perfect occasion for them to finally let go to their most primal impulses. But she did not. Instead, she remained the way she was, her face a couple inches away from his, her parted lips so close to touch his and her eyes locked with his. Perfectly in control and taking an excruciating delight in watching Leon lose his composure as her hand was slowly toying with his manhood under the bubbling water. “I think you needed that.”  “ You have no idea.” A guttural moan escaped the barrier of his lips and his stomach tensed. Leon could feel his member throbbing in the girl’s grip. He was close already and not even slightly ashamed about it. That was what she wanted, wasn’t it? For him to crumble under her touch. And maybe that was what he wanted too now that he was thinking about it.          He closed in blue eyes to focus only on her, on her touch, on her hand, moving up and down in cock, again and again, on her fingers, sometimes caressing the tip, sometimes tracing the prominent veins of his shaft, slowly, oh so slowly. A pleasuring torture he almost wished would be never-ending.           “ You know, if you want me to fuck you, you should stop with that amazing hand of yours and quickly climb on top of me.” She chuckled at the sudden dirty talk and surge of confidence, happy to finally see him that way.          But as his hands grabbed her hips to bring her in his laps she purred “As much as I would love this, we still have more games to play, Agent Kennedy."

Leon's eyes opened in a flash. Flabbergasted, he felt an atrocious void and a terrible discomfort when, completely powerless, he watched the girl stand up and leave him with nothing less but a smile and a wink. But as much as he wanted to be vexed or resentful, he couldn't help but laugh, thankful that somehow she had managed to take his nightmares away for the night. Sure he had blue balls but those were the best blue balls of his life. " We sure do, Y/N"

[arwenkenobi48]

The PDF That Saved My Life - Why I Love “All Tomorrows” With All My Heart

(Content Warning: Discussions of trauma, suicidal ideation and sexual abuse)

*clears throat* So, as some of you may be aware, the past few weeks haven’t been easy, not in the least. I was struggling with serious suicidal urges and feeling extreme anguish towards my own body and soul. I believed myself to be tainted, filthy and all manner of destructive and negative things.

The reason behind this breakdown was due to the realisation that I had experienced sexual harassment and assault multiple times throughout my life, including an occasion last year in which I was groped by an immediate relative. I had been aware of the incident since it happened, but was in denial. I was thinking “It couldn’t have been that bad, right?” But after trying unsuccessfully to repress it, I had to face the facts that she did what she did. I was heartbroken and I’m still deeply saddened by the realisation. Everything just seemed to fall apart and I psychologically imploded, plummeting into a dark pit of worthlessness and childlike sorrow. I felt as if I had been thrown into a mental oubliette; just tossed away and forgotten about on every level. Whenever I wasn’t bawling my eyes out and grieving my lost innocence, I was stress-eating and lying in bed, feeling nothing. Every now and then, I’d receive a short burst of energy, but nothing substantial, and the feelings remained.

Despite all of that, though, I didn’t want to die. A small part of my mind wanted to hold on and ride out these waves of suicidal thoughts. But I also knew I shouldn’t have to be going through this cycle of building up and breaking down, so I finally managed to seek professional help. There’s another thing that also pushed me towards seeking help and eventually guided me out of this dark place, and that’s the work of science fiction I mentioned in the title. All Tomorrows by C. M. Koseman (I hope I’ve spelled that right).

I don’t remember exactly how I came across it, but I think it was the video by Alt Shift X on YouTube that did it. As you can imagine, my dark thoughts weren’t only directed towards myself, but the world at large. I was wondering how life could be so cruel as to let something so horrific happen to me. I saw the thumbnail of that video and I didn’t know what it was. I had vaguely heard of All Tomorrows, but was more familiar with the much more nihilistic Dougal Dixon book Man After Man, and as such I got the two confused. I clicked on the All Tomorrows video, barely paying much attention and dismissively thinking: “oh great another sci-fi dystopia that predicted humanity’s inevitable downfall”.

What that video showed me absolutely blew my mind. As I discovered C. M. Koseman’s intricate worldbuilding science fiction project, I became fascinated and enthralled by the journeys and evolutions of the various post-human species, from the fun-loving Satyriacs and the mellowed out Snake People, to the bloodthirsty Killer Folk and the horrifying Bone Crushers. Yes, many of the stories were very, very sad. The Mantelopes lost everything and devolved because intelligence was so painful. The Striders, Titans and Temptors were all wiped out before they had the chance to truly reach their full potential. The Qu and Gravitals, one could say, ruined everything. But what truly amazed me was the fact that many, many of these stories also contained great happiness.

The Colonials, for example, suffered through the kind of torture that I wouldn’t wish on the Devil himself. Being wedged together into a wall of flesh bricks, all while retaining intelligence. And yet, they managed to turn into the beautiful Modular People and create a utopian society. Yes, the Killer Folk are traditionally violent, but the ones that made the biggest progress were the ones that chose peace over war. The Satyriacs started off as the mindless Hedonists, but were able to use their intelligence to appreciate every moment of their joyful lives. The lowly Worms became the comfort-loving Snake People, always able to appreciate the little things in life. The flattened Lopsiders rose up from the ground and became the proud, tall Asymmetric People. The list goes on, but you get my point.

The point is, even though this future humanity went through the sort of Hell that makes the past few years look tame by comparison, they always managed to rise up. Sure, nothing was ever quite the same again, but they managed to make something new and wonderful out of that. When you cut an orange, you may not have a whole fruit anymore, but you have lots of slices that can be shared with everyone. The best thing you can do is move forward. The future will always hold something better for you, even if that seems impossible. Don’t be afraid to reach for it. The final quote of this incredible piece of sci-fi wiped away the remnants of dark still clinging to me: “Love today and seize all tomorrows.” To me, that meant “Be a kind soul and you can achieve anything.”

This entire story ignited a strong feeling of empathy within me; an emotion I thought I was too traumatised to ever properly feel or express again. I think that was the point. Sure, the many strange post-humans may not look like us, but we cannot deny that they are human and that brings out the best in us. We shouldn’t be afraid to show empathy for our fellow humans. Thinking lowly of what collectively proves to be our best quality, claiming we’re “above” it and aiming to become “bigger than” everything else deprives us of our humanity. Empathy, compassion, love, that’s what makes us truly powerful. If we can learn to love today, the utopian future we all dream of will finally be ours.

Love is something that, from an early age and for over half my life, I was never truly given. But that doesn’t mean I can’t give it to others. Just as the post-humans were able to move forward and rise from the ashes, I fully intend to do the same. I’m safe now. The people who hurt me are gone from my life and will never hurt me again. I’m surrounded by loving friends, in a city I love, attending a university I love, receiving the therapy I need to heal and soon to be medically transitioning too. Even though I still struggle to accept it, I’m learning to love myself as well. I think that’s the greatest love someone can ever feel. If I continue to love each today that comes, all the tomorrows will be brighter and brighter.

And to think this all started because of a PDF about the hypothetical future of humanity. I’m determined to hold on no matter what. Idk if C. M. Koseman uses tumblr or any other social media for that matter, but if he comes across this somehow, I just want to say “Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I wouldn’t be here today without All Tomorrows.”

https://youtu.be/-WIk29qtrIo

(PS: I know I have stumbled and made mistakes on my platform as well. I’m still a little bit unsteady after being in such a dark mental state for so long. I’m sorry about that. I am doing better. Thank you all if you made it this far. I love and appreciate every single one of you.)

[obeiii-mee]

Hey! Sorry to bother you with a second ask but i thought this one would be cool. Fluffy headcanons of the demon brothers watching scary movies with MC??? Somewhere MC gets scared, and some where they don't? Thanks again!! :)

It’s no bother!! I love getting requests from you guys! The more, the merrier. I sort of hc that the brothers and MC do have movie night every week or so and with them being demons, they tend to levitate towards the horror genre. Thank you for sending this, this is really cute :)))

Without further ado—-

————————————

The Brothers watching Scary movies with MC:

Lucifer:

-Haha mf already knows how this is going to end

-He warned you, he really did

-The horror movies DevilDom has to offer are nothing, and I mean nothing, like the ones from the human world

-I’m not going to go into detail but imagine Two Girls One Cup, in a less kinky and more gorey way (then times that by 10)

-But you were adamant into giving it a go and he literally could not deny you in that moment

-Because you were giving him the puppy eyes

-That’s like, the finishing blow you use every time to get your way with him and as far as you know it’s the only one that works so-

-He expected your reaction to the last second

-You were traumatised for lack of a better word and you were basically watching the whole film through the cracks between your fingers

-Seeing you in that state was like a punch in the gut but he couldn’t stop himself from throwing in a subtle ‘I told you so’

-“I told you watching something like this before bed is a bad idea, MC.”

-He might be a bit condescending and judgemental at first, but he’s probably going to baby you a bit for the rest of the night

-Because he feels bad he allowed you to watch it in the first place

-HAHAHAHA SOFT LUCIFER HAS BEEN SUMMONED, USE HIM WISELY

-He will start muttering words of comfort to you later because he’s certain you’re going to have trouble sleeping

-Because of that one time, he’s very hesitant to let you watch another horror film anytime soon

-But he will relent eventually (especially if you want to watch a human horror film as those are technically less extreme)

-If it makes you happy, he will go through with it, even if he has to let you cling onto him for the rest of the day

-Besides, the way you cuddle into him while you’re watching a horror film is very cute and endearing to him

Mammon:

-Ah yes, the most effective method of waking up the entire House of Lamentation at 3:00 am

-Mammon screaming his own vocal cords out in his room as he tries to get through his human’s favourite horror movie without dying of a heart attack

-It was his idea because he’s definitely the type to go: “Yeah let’s do this, it will be fun. Don’t get too scared alright MC? The Great Mammon will be here to protect ya.”

-And then ten minutes in, he’s basically in your lap

-Half an hour in, he turned himself into a demon burrito with his blankets

-You were enjoying the movie, laughing at the stupid sound effects and poor quality while Mammon next to you has wrapped himself in like two dozen blankets and pillows

-“Mammon you’re going to overheat.”

-“Don’t be silly human, I’m a demon who lives in hell. I can take high temperatures the same way I can take this damn movie!”

-He doesn’t take either of them well

-Mammon and the horror genre don’t mix well together to begin with

-So even if you might enjoy horror, he doesn’t react well to it at all

-And he’ll be low-key relieved if you tell him you guys don’t have to watch any sort of horror film for your date night

-“Well I guess if you don’t want to, then we don’t have to. Can’t make my human do something they’re uncomfortable with eh?”

-But if you do watch a scary movie with him, be sure to show any sort of physical affection to him as often as possible

-You don’t have to say anything, just hold his hand or let him put his head in your lap or something

-It might stop him from screeching like a female sloth in heat

-The last time that happened, his brothers weren’t too pleased with him

-They about to recreate the horror film scenes onto him, bring the popcorn have fun

Levi:

-For some reason, I feel like he doesn’t get scared easily while watching stuff

-I mean, after decades of obsessively watching animes with brutal character deaths (like Attack on Titan style) and grotesque horror games that are pretty nasty even to demons, let alone humans;

-A horror film, from the human world or even DevilDom, doesn’t do much for him

-It will have to have very good psychological horror in it if you want the hairs on his arms to stand up in anticipation

-Tension is a big deal for him and he will immediately shut off the TV if there are any cheap jump scares

-But, if you manage to find just the right thing for him?

-You’ll both be hiding under the bed in no time under the bathtub more like

-Hell, if the film you’re watching is that good, he might even be holding onto you for dear life without realising it and getting flustered about it

-For weeks afterwards, any sound that is remotely similar to one from that movie will probably send both of you into panic

-You came to his room one night because you’ve had a nightmare about the stupid film and legitimately thought there was a fucking demon serial killer in your room

-So you wanted to stay in his

-“But what if there is a serial killer in your room and now you just led it to me MC????”

-It’s all jokes, there’s no question he would lock both of you in his room and then stay there with you wide awake until dawn

-You’re his best friend after all, he would have to be completely heartless to leave you on your own! (Besides Levi is terrifying when he wants to be)

-One time you were sleeping over and the sound of fumbling woke you tf up

-And Levi immediately turned into his demon form, like he was ready to throw hands with this fictional murderer that supposedly sneaked into his room

-“DON’T WORRY MC, I’LL PROTECT YOU!”

-“Ah never mind, it’s just Mammon breaking into your room again to steal your Ruri-Cham figurines and sell them on Akuzon.”

-“Oh OK.”

-“.....”

-“WAIT MAMMON WTF YOU FUCKING SCUMBAG, GET OUT OF MY ROOM-“

-I’m playing Minecraft

Satan:

-Believe it or not, Satan doesn’t care much about horror movies

-Don’t get me wrong, he loves watching his brothers shit their pants out of fear in the middle of one while he silently smirks to himself because watching other people suffer brings him euphoria

-Especially if someone actually manages to find a film that is excellent enough to spook Lucifer, because then he will be cackLING

-But, overall, he watches a lot of shows revolved around drama and crime

-That’s his thing

-However, he won’t turn you down if you’re up to watching a scary movie with him

-Any time spent with you is valuable time seeing as it won’t be long before his brothers start hogging you again like the cockblockers they are

-He is honestly surprised to find out you seem to be rather amused by those sort of movies

-So, even if it’s not inherently something he does on the regular, he would definitely watch a scary film with you if you enjoy them that much

-But in exchange, he makes you promise to read with him until bedtime rolls around (imagine Lucifer having a fucking curfew for his brothers and you lmao)

-So for the rest of night you guys just read together, ya know, like sappy romantics

-Tbh, this man will do almost anything with you as long as both of you are having fun

-He knows it’s not likely, but he insists on sleeping in the same room that night just in case you have nightmares and he needs to comfort you

- :)

-Satan is a gentleman. Idk how many people that don’t play OM expected to hear this

Asmo:

-Why would you want to watch a movie when you could be watching him???

-I mean, you would rather watch all that gory stuff on the TV than his beautiful face?

-He may get salty over a fucking movie tbh

-Horror films aren’t something he generally looks for while trying to pick a movie to watch

-He can definitely handle them better than Mammon but it’s not something he takes great pleasure in watching

-But the first time he ever sits down with you to watch one, he’s very intrigued to see your reactions

-You started feeling the sensation of absolute dread creep in at the very beginning and you were trying your best to act like you weren’t getting affected by what you saw on the screen

-But you were

-You went from “I’m grown ass adult, I can watch a fucking horror movie, no problem.”

-To “Welp, not enough of a grown ass adult for this-“

-And Asmo thought the way you tried to hide your nervousness was very mesmerising in a way

-He was planning on flirting with you during the movie anyway, but now that you were pressing himself against him?

-Oh boy, Oh boy

-“Darling if you wanted to touch me, you could’ve just said so. Making the excuse of watching a movie is unnecessary.”

-Nightmares? What nightmares? You won’t have time to have nightmares ;)

-haHAHA funny inappropriate joke

-It’s Asmo, it’s mandatory to have at least one of those added in here

Beel:

-Beel will show up if there’s food and that’s that

-He doesn’t care what type of movie is playing on the TV as long as he has a bucket of popcorn next to him at all times

-Horror films aren’t something he can’t handle, he’s a demon like the rest of his brothers and he is used to...violent deaths and such

-He doesn’t get scared but there are times where he gets attached to the characters

-Especially movies with actual good and not cringeworthy dialogue

-Therefore, when they die, he gets sad even if they’re just fictional and their death had no real impact

-He also thinks that the way you can watch these things without flinching is impressive

-I mean, he can watch it and so can his brothers because they are demons

-They’ve done worse things than the things you see in horror films

-But you’re a human! So it’s weird to see you watch a person get repeatedly slammed against a wall until their neck snaps without batting an eyelid

-Overall, he does not have an opinion on scary movies

-He gets a bit emotional when a character he really liked dies

-But other than that, he’s just focused on eating

-And occasionally patting your head affectionately

Belphie:

-He doesn’t really like horror films because there’s a lot of screaming and tense music and he’s just trying to nap in your lap (rhyme)

-He doesn’t really need sound effects like that in the background while he’s trying to sleep

-But one day he was like “Hey, what if I show my favourite human this particular scary film?”

-And he did

-And he’s internally dying and feeling guilty and yet so flustered because of you

-It’s like you suddenly turn into this very fidgety and anxious mess and he thinks you just look....cute

-At some point you were getting overwhelmed and sprung up on your feet to turn the lights on

-And he just grabbbed your wrists, pulled you down next to him and let you press your head against his chest

-As mentioned, he’s a little shit and will tease you for being such a scaredy cat

-“That was the most predictable jumpscare and you still flinched, wth is wrong with you lmao.”

-But at the same time....

-“Relax. It’s just a horror movie. You’ll be fine. Besides, I’m here. Like I would let something bad happen to you.”

-That’s sweet, even if the tone of voice may not imply it because he’s such a brat-

-He actually really likes holding you for once, because usually he’s the little spoon

-He’s still a bit of a sadist so I imagine him sitting there and watching this while giggling to himself

-Isn’t he the cutest, laughing at other people’s misery and their never ending suffering?🥺🥺🥺 UwU

-Ah well, at least he has the decency to spoil with affection afterwards and make sure you have no nightmares that night

-You know, as payback for the horrific shit he made you watch with no warning

————————————

OK, I think I made a decent job of this even though it took longer than it actually was meant to. Thank you for reading though. I’ve got so many requests to go through and I’ve been feeling motivated lately so yeah!

See you soon

Al~

[tracybirds]

It’s not 2am I refuse to accept that lol.... what started with me projecting onto Brains because I am very anti-vacuum cleaner and loud sudden noises, morphed into listen to me Brains and Jeff are FRIENDS, they’re BEST FRIENDS, he asked him to live on the ISLAND with his family (Brains is family)

So this is Brains having a problem with loud noises and Jeff helping him out

---------------------------

Brains shut the door firmly. He spent so much time in the depths of the volcano, underneath nearly three hundred metres of solid basalt, that he’d forgotten how loud the Tracy family really was. Forgotten their penchant for sudden bangs and explosive arguments when the mood took them.

He’d known them for years, first met Jeff and Lucille back before even Gordon was born. Without noticing, somehow his invitations to dinner and birthday parties grew and grew until he found himself folded into the line up as naturally as any other member. He might have once been surprised to find a place made for him on Tracy Island, his own opinions sought after and his wants and desires for his own space taken as seriously as anyone else’s, but upon reflection the transition had been the most seamless in his life.

He couldn’t imagine being anywhere else.

But right now, between shaking hands and chattering teeth, he’d rather be anywhere but here.

His study was a place rarely frequented. He much preferred the cavernous space of his workshop, where he could jump between theory and practice and the only sound was that of muttered calculations echoed back to him with his own voice. But with Jeff back (and wasn’t he thrilled to be working with his old friend again), dreaming up new ideas for the dozen, it only made sense to temporarily relocate back to the room next door.

He winced as a chair scraped overhead again. Indistinct conversation filtered down and he glanced over to check the windows were shut fast. How Jeff was working, totally oblivious, as beyond him. Every sound tore into Brains’ skin.

He rummaged through the drawers, searching for the headphones that would provide even a moment of relief.

Above him, the floor creaked ominously and he could hear Virgil and Gordon’s scattered laughter.

The villa suddenly seemed very small.

A gentle whirring grabbed his attention, and Brains looked up to see MAX in front of him, headphones in his grip.

“Thank you, mm-MAX,” he said with a tight smile and lowered them over his ears.

He could hear his echoing heartbeat, beating wildly and amplified by the full coverage of his ears, and he grimaced at the sound.

But a choice between the unexpected screeches from above and the steady sound of living was no contest.

Brains steadied his breath and stared blankly at the blueprints he was working on. He could hardly remember what they were for. Some kind of energy dampener?

He placed his glasses down on the desk and rubbed at his eyes. The thumping was only getting louder and faster and the headphones themselves were becoming a problem – the synthetic cushioning sticky and hot against his skin.

He could still hear the boys above.

His fingers fumbled with software, searching for something tolerable to drown out the sound. Music burst through to his eardrums and instinctively he ripped their source away, and the sounds of Tracy villa fell in on him at full force.

Gritted teeth, eyes squeezed tight, hands drilling his ears into his skull as though they could be removed, and all because of noise that couldn’t be helped and that he couldn’t ask to be stopped.

Not fair, he thought, not fair to them and certainly not fair to him.

***

Brains’ door was shut. That pulled Jeff up short, his hand hovering over the door knob as he frowned at it as though it had closed itself of its own accord. Brains’ door was never shut.

Jeff could still remember the gentle welcome he’d given his sons when they first met, answering all their questions about his lab and what exactly his job was. How he’d taken one look at Jeff, overwhelmed with the care of only three children while his pregnant wife rushed home to care for her dying mother and invited him and his overly-excited children home for tea. Even back in Tracy Industries, Jeff had been given unrestricted access to Brains’ office and he liked to think it wasn’t simply because Brains couldn’t say no to his boss.

He knew very well how incorrect that statement was.

Jeff reached out and knocked on the door.

There was no reply.

Faintly, Jeff could hear the faint beeps of MAX inside and that only puzzled him more. MAX never seemed to leave Brains’ side in one form or another, but neither did he sound distressed. He thought. Jeff was still learning how to tell the moods of a robot apart.

Another loud whoop echoed down the stairs and he glanced up, partially amused but mostly exasperated. With some time off, Scott and Gordon had taken it upon themselves to teach Alan poker and if there was anything that Scott and Gordon knew how to do quietly – well, it wasn’t poker.

From the sounds of things, Alan had hit a streak of beginner’s luck and Scott, still swearing above him, was on the losing end.

He laughed to himself and lightly pushed open the door, poking his head to try and spot his friend.

His smile dropped almost instantly.

“Brains? Are you alright?”

A redundant question, immediately answered without a word as Jeff took in the clenched jaw and involuntary gasps for air.

“Okay, okay,” he muttered to himself, reluctant to startle Brains further or make whatever this was worse by touching him. Because this was surely something new. Or something hidden and private that he had no intention of revealing to the rest of his raucous family.

A chair fell with a loud bang above them and Jeff jumped. Brains seemed to curl even further in on himself and as the squabbling grew louder and louder above them, Jeff realised what the problem was.

“Brains, I’ll be right back,” he promised, before striding upstairs, worry turning what had been exasperation into real anger.

“Boys,” he growled, his voice cutting through the argument. Three startled pairs of eyes met his, and Jeff tried to cool the white-hot fury into mere annoyance.

“Outside. Or your rooms, I don’t care which.”

Gordon scoffed at him.

“You can’t send us to our rooms.”

Jeff whirled on him, the fire stoked in his glare.

“On second thoughts,” said Gordon cheerfully, tugging Alan in front of him. “I was just gonna go for a swim. What do you say, Alan?”

Jeff watched the two race away and turned to face Scott, his arms crossed and scowling openly.

“What was that for?” he demanded. “We were just playing cards, what’s the big idea?”

“You’re just being too damn loud,” Jeff said with a grunt, turning towards the stairwell.

Then again, he reflected, it wasn’t entirely their fault. Clearly, whatever was going on downstairs wasn’t something they’d known to be aware of.

“I’m sorry.”

“Yeah,” muttered Scott. “If you say so.”

Jeff ignored him, already halfway down the stairs with his main objective cleared.

He slipped back into the room, pleased to see Brains’ breathing was much less erratic.

“Brains?”

“Mmm, y-yes Jeff?”

He stepped forward and laid a hesitant hand on Brains’ shoulder.

“You’re still shaking,” he said quietly. “What was that?”

“Nn-nothing.”

Jeff snorted.

“At least look me in the eye when you lie to me, Brains. Come on, I know you better than that.”

Brains pursed his lips together, still avoiding Jeff’s gaze, and it suddenly struck Jeff that his friend might not want to tell him about his problems.

Eight years was a long gap in friendship.

“It’s okay,” he said at last, as the silence stretched out into uncomfortable awkwardness. “You really don’t have to say. I’ve just never seen you like that before.”

“Yes, you have.”

Jeff looked at him in surprise, unsure of the conviction in Brains’ eyes.

“Then I don’t remember,” he admitted slowly, casting his mind over fragile, faded memory.

“Help m-me over to that sss-sofa.”

Jeff followed his directions without protest, still watching him carefully until Brains was lying down on the sofa with a sigh.

He reached out and handed over the blue frames instinctively and pulled up a chair as Brains peered at him through them.

“Adrenaline crash,” he said, by way of explanation and gesturing at himself. Sss-sorry Jeff, it g-got a little out of hand.”

“What is ‘it’?”

Brains waved a dismissive hand.

“I hope you didn’t g-go up and yell at the b-boys,” he said. “It’s really not their ff-fault. I just have a hard time with too mm, m-much noise, or the wrongs kinds nowadays.”

“Why?” asked Jeff, trying not to feel too guilty over having done just that.

Brains smiled tiredly.

“T-t-turns out, it’s really rather traumatising to watch your ff-friend explode on a live-feed in f-front of you.”

Chills raced over Jeff’s skin, all seeming to find entry into his heart. His breath caught in his throat and he found it was his turn to be bent over with his friend’s guiding hand on his back.

“Sorry,” he gasped. “Worse for you than it was for me.”

“Yes, you’re right Jeff,” said Brains drily. “There are no lasting effects from the mm-moment that ripped your f-family from you and f-forced you to survive in the m-most hostile environment with no hope of return. Mm-my m-mistake.”

Jeff laughed weakly.

“You got me there,” he admitted, rubbing his chest to try ease some of the tension. “But at least we’re not alone on this one. I’ll tell the boys to check neither of us are working before they play anymore poker.”

“And next time, they could ask us to join,” said Brains with a grin. “I don’t think they know what a g-good team we m-made.”

“Good cheats, you mean.”

“Well, of course, what’s the difference?”

Jeff laughed, thumping on his shoulder.

“Get some rest, Brains. Strategise later.”

[karliahs]

It’s been months since he was this close to anyone. It might have even been Jon the last time, too; helping him walk down in the tunnels. How did they get from there to here? How-

“Tim?” Jon asks softly, pulling back to look him in the face, and it’s the loss of that warmth and pressure that makes Tim realise he’s started breathing in great, shuddering gasps. He screws his eyes shut and Jon reverses their positions, pulling Tim into his chest with unpracticed but fervent hands. His T-shirt is soft against Tim’s face; he hadn’t thought Jon would own anything so soft.

Tim’s throat is burning, but as long as he keeps his eyes screwed shut then he isn’t crying. He isn’t crying on Jonathan Sims the night before they both-

“It’s alright, Tim,” Jon says, searching for words of comfort he only half believes himself. “It’s - whatever happens tomorrow, it can’t - we’re safe here.”

Tim laughs bitterly. “Nothing’s fucking safe.”

Jon seems unable to decide between rubbing soothingly at his back and just holding on as tight as he can. Tim shouldn’t be here, shouldn’t be giving into this. But there's a reason he lost so much time when he should have been searching for the thing that killed his brother. The Institute was full of potential answers, but it was also full of bright, lovely distractions. He's buried in the arms of one of them.

Tim didn't used to think of that as weakness - but he didn't used to think there were worms that burrowed through your flesh, or creatures that took every true memory of your friend without you ever noticing, or monsters that played with skin, played with the fabric of who you were, because it was fun.

Tim doesn't know fucking anything, and maybe he never did, and now all that's left is to-

"What can I do, Tim?" Jon asks, and he sounds so honestly lost.

"Turn back time," Tim murmurs into his shirt. "Don't let go," he adds a moment later.

“I won’t, I won’t.” Jon clutches him impossibly closer. Tim’s world narrows down into warmth and pressure. “Tim, we don’t - we don’t have to do this. You don’t have to do this.”

The gentle vibration of his words is almost enough to distract Tim from the words themselves. He turns his head so he can speak un-muffled, and immediately misses the comfort of being closed in. “I do, Jon. I can’t…” Tim fumbles for the right words, wondering faintly if this is how Jon feels all the time, struggling to give voice to the unspeakable. “The worst thing in all of this, the worst thing would be if they hurt someone again while I’m just standing there."

Still not crying, not as long as his eyes are tight shut. He feels Jon hesitate, then push forward anyway. "Even if...Tim, even if you had moved, what could you have done?"

Tim squeezes hard at Jon's side and isn't sure if he means it as a warning or a plea.

"I'd never have met you," Jon says, so soft Tim isn't sure if he was meant to hear it.

"Was just thinking before,” Tim replies, because he’s fucked up enough that he might as well keep going, “I wish I'd met you somewhere normal."

Jon’s hands still, and for a moment the rise and fall of his chest does too. It’s the closest thing to absolution Tim’s ever offered. He’s glad he can’t see Jon’s face, can’t see whatever shock or gratitude is playing out there. At some point, he made himself into someone who no one expects to be kind. He wonders, vaguely, whether it counts as forgiveness, to want someone to spend what might be their last night on earth forgiven.

from: enemy of my enemy, aka jon and tim sit in various rooms and talk: the fic

thank you for asking!!! here we go:

It’s been months since he was this close to anyone. It might have even been Jon the last time, too; helping him walk down in the tunnels. How did they get from there to here? How-

do you ever just think about how fast things went wrong for the s1 crew...they were friends just a few months ago!! a few weeks in between no current supernatural experiences -> trying to survive supernatural experiences together by physically holding each other up -> complete alienation. some experiences just defy comprehension, emotionally speaking, even when you can see every step that led from there to here

i also like to make myself sad by thinking about the practical day to day aspects of everyone in the archives being alienated from everyone else. like...when were either of them last touched (non-violently)

so much has changed but they've circled back around to each other

“Tim?” Jon asks softly, pulling back to look him in the face, and it’s the loss of that warmth and pressure that makes Tim realise he’s started breathing in great, shuddering gasps. He screws his eyes shut and Jon reverses their positions, pulling Tim into his chest with unpracticed but fervent hands. His T-shirt is soft against Tim’s face; he hadn’t thought Jon would own anything so soft.

'person starts crying without noticing until someone points it out' is a trope i generally try to stay away from partly because i just can't imagine that ever happening to me and therefore it doesn't ping my realism senses, but i get one (1) because it is undeniably juicy

this fic is very zeroed in on tim's perspective in terms of small sensory experiences, for a few reasons - drive home emotions, portray dissociation, and because i like writing about how it actually feels to be in a romantic gesture, to make it more real than just like...an image of people holding each other

small detail that jives with bigger points - jon's shirt unexpectedly soft, jon's surprising ability to still provide him with gentleness and comfort

i think jon here has no idea what to do but has been given permission to touch so is living his best tactile life with this inexpert hugging and is hoping that does something

Tim’s throat is burning, but as long as he keeps his eyes screwed shut then he isn’t crying. He isn’t crying on Jonathan Sims the night before they both-

“It’s alright, Tim,” Jon says, searching for words of comfort he only half believes himself. “It’s - whatever happens tomorrow, it can’t - we’re safe here.”

Tim laughs bitterly. “Nothing’s fucking safe.”

tim spends a lot of this fic having his inner-monologue cut off to try and show as well as tell that he's struggling to stay present

that 'both-' hurts me, honestly. hurts more than it actually being spelled out, i think. write to upset yourself, maybe you will upset others in the process

half is a word i absolutely overuse in writing but cannot stop. no one ever does something all the way, they are half- believing, wondering, worrying, etc.

i'm never 100% sure if i'm accurately capturing the way that jon speaks in canon but i did always like and want to emulate the fact that he speaks kind of hesitantly, trips over his own words, etc

Jon seems unable to decide between rubbing soothingly at his back and just holding on as tight as he can. Tim shouldn’t be here, shouldn’t be giving into this. But there's a reason he lost so much time when he should have been searching for the thing that killed his brother. The Institute was full of potential answers, but it was also full of bright, lovely distractions. He's buried in the arms of one of them.

Tim didn't used to think of that as weakness - but he didn't used to think there were worms that burrowed through your flesh, or creatures that took every true memory of your friend without you ever noticing, or monsters that played with skin, played with the fabric of who you were, because it was fun.

again, jon does not know what to do so he is just trying. just trying to do any kind of soothing hand thing

i thought quite a lot about reconciling the seemingly happy-go-lucky tim that gets presented to us early on vs learning why he came to the institute in the first place. tim here is framing that as a failing because he's miserable and traumatised and guilt-ridden, but i think at least part of it was actual healing. he was taking time and enjoying the people around him and trying to make the best of things, until it all went wrong

related, the self-recrimination of tim hating himself for not having seen any of this coming, even though they were not predictable events...very human nature after you have been through something terrible. how dare i have not anticipated every trouble that ever befell me

'played with skin, played with the fabric of who you were' - a lot of this story was me just enjoying the themes of stranger-horror. i love the terror of knowing there are creatures who can change aspects of you that should be unchangeable, physically in skin and otherwise in terms of identity and memory. love applying that to jon and tim, who have been fundamentally changed against their will by trauma and their roles in a story neither of them wanted. skin as metaphor for identity, and learning that people can take away your skin is then utterly terrifying to someone who already feels like his identity is being forcibly eroded. and then that shared terror brings them back together, just a little

Tim doesn't know fucking anything, and maybe he never did, and now all that's left is to-

"What can I do, Tim?" Jon asks, and he sounds so honestly lost.

"Turn back time," Tim murmurs into his shirt. "Don't let go," he adds a moment later.

this fic...is so sad. why did i write this. why am i being attacked by my past self and their awful words on this day

explicit admission that tim wants/needs jon here...even a chapter ago he was like yeah i'm going to america with jon bc i am regrettably relying on him as my reality-anchor, nothing emotional here

“I won’t, I won’t.” Jon clutches him impossibly closer. Tim’s world narrows down into warmth and pressure. “Tim, we don’t - we don’t have to do this. You don’t have to do this.”

The gentle vibration of his words is almost enough to distract Tim from the words themselves. He turns his head so he can speak un-muffled, and immediately misses the comfort of being closed in. “I do, Jon. I can’t…” Tim fumbles for the right words, wondering faintly if this is how Jon feels all the time, struggling to give voice to the unspeakable. “The worst thing in all of this, the worst thing would be if they hurt someone again while I’m just standing there."  

Still not crying, not as long as his eyes are tight shut. He feels Jon hesitate, then push forward anyway. "Even if...Tim, even if you had moved, what could you have done?"

Tim squeezes hard at Jon's side and isn't sure if he means it as a warning or a plea.

warmth, pressure, vibration...continuing to be fascinated by the little tactile details of what it feels like to be close to someone

emotional logic is so powerful. tim moving most likely would have either made no difference to the outcome or worsened it (because both him and danny would have died) but of course for tim standing still while someone he loves was destroyed counts for everything about who he is. sometimes blame feels better than helplessness, which mirrors what happens with his friendship with jon - is it scarier if they are all helpless, or if this one guy is The Enemy

‘give voice to the unspeakable’ sometimes i like poetic descriptions of jon’s role as archivist

"I'd never have met you," Jon says, so soft Tim isn't sure if he was meant to hear it.

"Was just thinking before,” Tim replies, because he’s fucked up enough that he might as well keep going, “I wish I'd met you somewhere normal."

Jon’s hands still, and for a moment the rise and fall of his chest does too. It’s the closest thing to absolution Tim’s ever offered. He’s glad he can’t see Jon’s face, can’t see whatever shock or gratitude is playing out there. At some point, he made himself into someone who no one expects to be kind. He wonders, vaguely, whether it counts as forgiveness, to want someone to spend what might be their last night on earth forgiven.

:(

tim views talking with and connecting to people as fucking up. how much of that is even slightly shrouded in logic and how much is just - tim is depressed and deep in self-loathing, somewhere still at the core of him tim loves people and making connections, so of course doing the thing he wants to do is wrong

‘At some point, he made himself into someone who no one expects to be kind.’ tim has this thought once and then worries at it like a sore tooth because his default state is hopeless fury with himself, with everyone. i also think this demonstrates how new information/realisations often can’t help you out of a bad mental state on its own, because it’s all too easy to slot it into your existing thought patterns. pushing everyone away was making tim worse - he starts to feel like that was a mistake, but it just becomes more self-recrimination

forgiveness is one of those words that seems to encompass so many different concepts that i find it hard to know exactly what it’s meant by saying you forgive someone. specifying what’s meant by this little shard of maybe-forgiveness makes it mean more, at least to me

may i reiterate: :(

[milky-maid-library]

WARNING SPOILERS FOR CASTLEVANIA SEASON 4 SCROLL PASSED IF YOU DONT WANT THEM!!!!

I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW EXCITED I AM FOR SEASON 4 😭 i didn’t think I’d see s4 until October!!!! I will come back and answer these questions in the future on May 13/14th

I want to know the following:

1. Will Dracula and Lisa return?

Edit: they return in the last episode I’m so happy and confused still but I just hope they live the best life in England 🥺😭

2. Will someone check in on Alucard and give him a hug because his trust in humans plummeted straight down?

Edit: Greta kinda hugged him? Became his friend....I’m hoping they become more than just friends. Like cmon the orphans are calling him father. He’s daddy material!!!

3. Will Lenore and Carmilla fight? (Idk I theorise that their bad sexy bi bitch power will make them fight for dominance.)

Edit: they didn’t have a fist fight like I pictured because they’re sisters who love each other but Lenore was betrayed but Carmillas ambitions which would leave Lenores diplomatic values in the dust.

4. Will Issac...chill..?? Forgive humans? Turn against the vampires and hell- probably not but I’m curious on his future move.

Edit: wait...did Isaac die in that tower? Idk I’m still slightly confused. But I guess he forgave humanity, he wanted the sick not to suffer so he slaughtered the city and rebuilt it for a future people/nation. He also didn’t kill Hector and he was really chill, he just wanted to end Carmilla because her ambitions were toxic.

5. Is hector ok? I mean listen I’m into pet play but this is against his will, can...can Lenore and him be genuine next season please? I knew not to trust her but I just think they make a cute pair (even though she made him her slave SJDJDJD)

Edit: Hector did not seem traumatised by the puppy treatment and Lenore and him became....banter pals? She was super genuine and I love her and I love him and I was fucking rooting for them to fuck some more! I hoped for more love!! But that unfortunately didn’t happen because Lenore got depressed and killed herself which I’m still crying about!!!!

6. MORE LOVE MOMENTS BETWEEN TREVOR AND SYPHA- we got morning after naked cuddling/sex but like....I want moreeeeee!!!! Trevor has gotta carry on the line of Belmont....right 🤭👀

Edit: YES WE GOT MORE LOVE and lil trefor is baking in the oven heheheh 🥺☺️ sadly no sex scenes grrrr!!! I bawled my eyes out hearing Trevor yell I LOVE YOU to her.

7. Will Sypha ever see her family/people again?

Edit: we got super fucking close but no, she decided to stay the moment she realised her mans was alive.

8. Will Dracula and Lisa slap Alucard because he murdered humans. Or cuddle him and then have to say goodbye because the dead cannot remain with the living blah blah blah

Edit: sweet Alucard got through depression with the help of hottie badass leader Greta and orphans calling him father. He doesn’t know his parents are back and if there’s a season 5 I don’t think we will see them tbh 🤷‍♀️

9. ....are they going to release all the episodes at once....or are they gonna be douche bags and make it a week by week episode release?

Edit: netflix decided not to be a capitalist dick and released all the episodes at once which I watched in one sitting and so I need to use the bathroom excuse meeee.

[atopearth]

Olympia Soiree Part 6 - Himuka Route

Time for the guy I'm least excited for!! Mainly because Himuka looks like a kid and I can't get over it lol, but I am interested in his story itself since it seems like it should be interesting. Lmao at Himuka staring at her and then running away when she asked if he wanted to walk to the bathhouse with her lol, he's so cute. Awww it's cute how Byakuya is trying to be friends with Himuka. I guess now that you think about it, Byakuya and Himuka are similar in that they both fulfilled their roles impeccably by doing what was required and not engaging in human interaction, and both their jobs are crucial to Tenguu Island, where Byakuya's saves people and Himuka's "kills" people but saves them in another way I guess haha. Lmao, Hairi is such a brat. Nice to know why he doesn't want Byakuya to talk to Asuha though. It's because he knows that the more they talk, the more Asuha will want to go to the surface, but it'll be "impossible", so he doesn't want Asuha to get hurt by that reality and longing. It's sweet, and I'm glad Byakuya said it would hurt Asuha more if she stopped talking to him now since he'll think that she's the same as the others. Hairi saying "die" to Byakuya as he ran away was such a hilarious image🤣🤣 Byakuya's like his mother telling him to not say stuff like that lolll. Ooh I knew Jigen saved the Red from their "curse", but I didn't realise that the Red didn't actually prosper as a primary colour until Jigen came and used the toxic cinnabar to create dyes and other things that helped them become the respected colour clan they are today. I wonder why Himuka seems so scared and traumatised or something, especially when he asked Byakuya to not hate him and stuff, it actually felt really heartbreaking.

Every time I read about the side characters dying for love, I can't help but tear up and cry for them. It's so hard to find someone you love that loves you back, and yet something like that is condemned and seen as something you should be executed for, and that just breaks my heart all the time. Honestly, what broke my heart the most wasn't finding out that Mio and Okijiku poisoned themselves as their way to be together, but when Kaina realised that they were the same as him, and then was happy for them that they got to die together. Honestly, considering how it's basically impossible for them to escape execution, I too think this path is the "best choice". At least they'll be together forever this way, instead of having their Shou extracted through Tamasogi in such a cruel way, and then used even in death to help an island that refuses to accept them and killed them like that. Don't tell me..Himuka is Lord Hiruko? Anyway, I've always felt it was disturbing that the dead are turned into crystals to sustain the island, so knowing that those who commit suicide are cremated and scattered into the ocean is actually nice in its own way. It's probably seen as disgraceful, but at least they have freedom in death and choosing how they want to die is something I can be happy for them for. Oh wow, Himuka looks so mature in the CG where he scatters the ashes, I'm quite shocked. It's sad to think about how lonely of a life Himuka must have led because he's "unclean" and always so close to the "smell of death" that everyone fears him. I'm glad Byakuya could tell him her thoughts about "hideous" things being a perception, and that just because people are different doesn't mean that they're hideous. It's cute how smitten Himuka was when he touched Byakuya, it was also really cute how much she blushed haha.

I get so mad on Byakuya's behalf when Hairi calls her a monster girl because of how white she is blah blah, like I'm glad it's not affecting her as much as it did before, but it's still really hurtful and I feel bad for her that she has to hear that. Anyway, I agree with Akaza's words about Asuha and her relationship, Asuha has the freedom to dream, and I think it's that kind of "freedom" that will allow them to break free of the chains of this island and fight for change, instead of just accepting that things are how it is because that's what they are. I understand that Hairi is just worried about Asuha and knows firsthand how terrible the treatment can be from the surface people, but he really has no right to take it out on Byakuya just because she's the one who makes the sun that they will never see shine. I felt so bad for her when she cried, because no matter how good Hairi's intentions are, he has no right to control who Asuha can be friends with and forcefully driving people he doesn't like away from him. He's not protecting him, he's isolating him into a bubble. Anyway, I'm glad Byakuya realised that she was acting like a child when she "blamed" Douma for creating the solar link where you offer Shou to the sun, when I'm sure just finding one way to preserve the sun and keeping this island alive is already difficult enough after the Red Calamity. Ohh, so the thing with Byakuya's hair colour taking on the colour of her lover is not only something romantic, but also because the women of the White do this to offer these "colours" to the sun and that's how the women of the White sustained the sun all these years, and I guess that's why it was so important for the lunar ferry to exist so that the women could kinda absorb those colours as offerings to the sun. I guess that's why they're white? Because then they'll be like "blank palettes" that can take on any colour and give that to the sun?

Riku is so pure and kind. Seeing him teary and sad at the Corpse Beach because of Okijiku made me sad too. Tokisada hoping Himuka is an Outsider because he wants an Outsider friend the same age as him is the most adorable thing ever!! I'm glad Byakuya stopped Yuusuge from trying to die, because I don't think she'll be able to take another death close to her. It's saddening to see Yuusuge in so much pain, but I also kinda wished that she would cherish life more after Okijiku and Mio's deaths, especially since her parents really want to see her, and I'm sure they would be devastated to see her corpse instead. Himuka's story of the birth of the Red being the blood of the guy who killed the goddess Amaterasu and then himself is quite morbid but interesting🤔 Himuka actually answering Byakuya's question of what he likes about her, and just listing all the things he likes about her is so cute. He's still not my type, and I honestly don't feel Byakuya's feelings for him, but I do feel like I want to protect him, even though he's apparently much older than Byakuya. Anyway, sometimes I wonder why Himuka is so free since he always seems so busy in other routes, but then again people can't die every single day, otherwise the island would be screwed, so it's understandable that he actually has a schedule haha😅 I'm so glad Nagusa and Kanan couldn't do anything to Byakuya, I was so scared for her when they wouldn't let her leave. Lmao at Byakuya asking Kuroba if intercourse is fun🤣🤣 The goddess of darkness Izanami that sleeps beneath the spring with water that gives you haku is Himuka's mother? I wonder if she comes out to possess people with strong negative emotions or something, since Himuka saw his mother in Hairi. Why is Himuka suddenly being accused for murder? Is it Nagusa or something bigger? Omg, if Izanami wakes up from under the Shinimizu Spring, the water will overflow and everyone on Tenguu Island will die from haku?! No wonder why everyone was so worried after the "earthquake".

Yep, Himuka really is Hiruko, huh? Imagine everyone who worships him like a god actually treating the real thing like trash😶 Now it's kinda funny thinking that Hiruko is obsessed with Olympia😅 Byakuya and Himuka feeding each other passionfruit was so cute haha. Byakuya's underwear really does look like a swimsuit haha, interestingly, it's a black colour. I'm still in disbelief over Hairi being the executioner. I still remember that bad ending with Riku becoming the executioner, and I felt sorry for whoever has that job...but to think it was Hairi all along. No wonder why he harbours so much hatred towards the people on the surface, and no wonder why he thinks there's no hope for any change in the future. His life has been "destroyed" already. I can't even imagine how many people he must have had to "kill" with Tamasogi, and it must have been even worse that there's a high possibility he would know them. Anyway, I felt bad when Himuka shouted at Akaza and called him cursed and the last person fit to be with Byakuya. Isn't that ironic? The one we thought was the most fit for Byakuya and that everyone encourages her to pick might actually be the guy who is most problematic when it comes to being her potential husband in the end.. I'm looking forward to Akaza's route now, well I already was because he's been my favourite since I first saw him, but I'm even more curious now lol.

I guess we should be glad that Hairi seems to have been mainly targeting the people who are suicidal instead of killing random people, but it's still sad because if they were like Yuusuge who thought about it but can't bring themselves to really go through with it, and Hairi just "kills" them, then that's pretty terrible. Or who knows if he actually manipulates them into thinking they want to die, since it seems like he got rid of the soldiers who tailed him. I wonder if he would have gone so far if he didn't fall into Shinimizu Spring and heard Izanami's voice that she would grant him his wish if he gave her pure and beautiful Shou. Glad to know Kanan's priorities are always the same, always trying to defile Byakuya, like geez dude. Anyway, it's sad to see Hairi so broken and manipulated by people like Kanan and tormented by all the people he had to execute. I always thought Himuka never really looked at Byakuya for who she was, and it's nice to know that it was true, because in the beginning, he only really saw her as the vessel and soul that will receive Amaterasu when Byakuya turns 18 and gets a husband. Now I'm curious about whether Amaterasu will really come. On the other hand, it's sad that the reason why colours are so important in this world is because Amaterasu really loved looking at rainbows, so Hiruko decided to create a world filled with every colour, but people twisted it into only "loving" beautiful colours and decided that the rest should be thrown away. 

It's nice that Himuka was able to get rid of Izanami (although I wonder how it feels to be shunned and left at the bottom of a lake never able to leave because she's a goddess of the "dark" and no one wants to essentially save her) but he has to sacrifice himself? Well, it's nice to finally have an explanation for the corniness of everyone looking for their missing half, their soulmate. Hiruko made it like that because he didn't want people to be like him and be lonely, so he wanted people to be fated to search for their soulmate and never have to experience that solitude he had to endure. What? The Yellow were created from Tsukuyomi's blood, and the Blue were created from Hiruko's blood after Amaterasu died and there was no more light in the world so they needed to create humans again?? Honestly, Tsukuyomi always looked and felt like a god so I'm not too surprised that he basically is one haha. Ooh, Amaterasu is Hiruko's sister...I still think his "love" for her is deeper than towards Byakuya though🥲 Anyway, ending was cute, but I honestly don't feel the romance between Himuka and Byakuya, which is understandable since I feel like the route focused on the plot more, but yeah, still disappointing in regards to the romance even if it is so. In regards to the bad ending where the world ends, and Himuka makes another tiny world to house the doll that looks just like Byakuya and transferring her soul to one of those.. butterflies or whatever? It was kinda bittersweet in its' own way. Hiruko's world failed, and he's technically alone forever without her, but he also doesn't need to be condemned by his people either, so I guess even if things are fake, there is still some sort of happiness. Well, um, that sleeping beauty bad ending was really random and weird loll! Like how did the world ending go back on to the plot track of needing another White descendant to cure haku?? And how old is Hairi loll, because that was just weirddddd.

Overall, Himuka's route was all right. I kinda expected more and hoped that I could overcome his "young" appearance with good development on the relationship and romance, but unfortunately not, because I think most of it was really just Himuka thinking he was undeserving of Byakuya whilst wanting to be with her, which is okay, but it really didn't resonate with me even after knowing everything. I was honestly pretty apathetic to it all. I did appreciate more insight into the lore with Hiruko, Izanami and the whole Hairi thing which was sad but also frustrating, because Hairi has always been annoying to me loll. Things also seemed to be resolved rather easily with Amaterasu just reviving Himuka and somehow it solved all the problems with the colour thing etc, so Himuka could be her husband lol. I guess I mostly enjoyed finally understanding Hairi's hatred, but in terms of romance, it was definitely lacking and the weakest in terms of all the routes imo. Otherwise, Himuka really deserves to finally be happy and not be chained to constantly trying to protect this island and Amaterasu. Seeing him so happily spending time with Byakuya is heartwarming since it was something he always wanted but could never have.

[poetic-emptiness-fanfic]

Something There

The name of this fic is from a song Something There from Beauty and the Beast.

Characters: Hande Kuura, Reidunn & Lydik - Reidunn and Lydik belong to @vikinglumberjack

The first meeting of Hande and Lydik!

No content warnings.

Words: ~4 000

Hande enjoys spring: it's that time of year when nature comes back to life after months of slumber. A smile creeps across her face while she's walking towards the marketplace, not only because of the warmth or budding flowers and leaves, but because today she will meet her best friend after a long time. Reidunn has returned from her months-long journey to Longyearbyen, so of course they had to arrange a meeting.

It doesn't take long for Hande to spot the redhead from the crowd. She starts to wave at her friend whose face turns to meet Hande's eyes. They both smile to each other and Hande takes the huldra into a warm hug.

”Dunna, welcome back! I've missed you! How was your journey? Any news from your family?”

”Takkâ, Hande! I've missed you, too! It was fine, sometimes the weather was a little stormy on my way back home, but I was happy to see my family again. They're all fine, thank you for asking! They sent their love to you – they had hoped you would come with me again.”

”I'm glad you didn't experience anything too harsh on your way home! I would've loved to come with you, but you know how it is: Nadia needs me with this mental health clinic project,” Hande chuckles before she continues, ”That's what you get when you say an idea out loud and the Countess actually ends up liking it.”

Reidunn pats her friend on the shoulder, reassuring Hande it was great, that Vesuvia is going to have an important institution thanks to her. The magician quickly brushes it off, changing the subject to Longyearbyen. The huldra decides to indulge Hande this time, and tells about all the things she's done during her stay at her childhood home. They keep sauntering the marketplace until they stop at Selasi's bakery to grab some pumpkin bread. They're sitting on a table, enjoying the warm weather and each other's company.

”So, Dunna, it seems that you haven't just come back to Vesuvia. What have you been up to, or have you just rested after the journey?”

”I've tried to rest, yes, but I also had to make some arrangements. I need to make some space to my new roommate.”

”Oh, you have a roommate now? That's so nice! How did you end up with this situation?”

”He's a friend of mine. I haven't seen him a while, but when I was at Longyearbyen, he approached me and asked if he could come with me to Vesuvia.”

”How neat! What's his name? Is he a Fosna?”

”His name is Lydik. No, he is not a Fosna. He's a fae – a Nøkken, actually.”

Hande's eyes widen and her posture becomes stiff. Reidunn has a Nøkken as a friend? One of those scary, human-eating water creatures? For all of her life, Hande has been warned about them, how they lure their victims to the water to drown them. She also knows some people in Hjalle who have lost their loved one to a Nøkken. And now there's one living in Vesuvia...

Lost in her thoughts, Hande whispers, ”Näkki maalle, minä veteen...¹”

”What is it, Hande?”

Hande turns her gaze to Reidunn, still a little absentminded, ”Oh, it's a Forestian spell, to banish a  Nøkken from water if you're going to swim.You need to throw a stone into the water while saying those words and then a creature needs to go to the shore and can't go back unless you let it return with another spell. I... Why do you have a Nøkken as a friend? They're monsters, they've only caused harm in Hjalle – I've heard too many stories of disappeared people whose steps lead to water and not back. People didn't even find their bodies to bury...”

”Oh, I'm so sorry to startle you, Hande! I forgot how that could be upsetting for you. But it isn't what you think, Lydik isn't like that! Actually, he saved my, Guivi's and Bilzi's lives when we got lost as children.”

”Oh?” Hande looks surprised, but also intrigued, ”I didn't know that could be possible. How did it happen, may I ask?”

Reidunn starts to tell about her adventure with her siblings and how Lydik had taken them under his wing. How he had showed kindness to the children by entertaining and protecting them during the night. The huldra can see her friend relaxing a little, although the magician still looks astonished.

”Wow, that really is something else,” she says, ”I've never heard of a Nøkken who has saved human lives instead of taking them. Sorry, Dunna, it seems like I judged too harshly.”

Reidunn reaches for Hande's hand, giving it a gentle squeeze, ”It's okay, Hande. I should have warned you first.” The huldra seems to think for a moment and then smiles to her friend, ”If you want, we can go to my place. Lydik's there so... I've told him about you and I think it would be nice for you to meet.”

”You have?” Hande sounds surprised. She gives a little smirk for Reidunn and adds, ”I hope you've told only good things, and haven't frightened him by telling that I'm a Nøkken discriminator.”

The huldra bursts into laughter at Hande's latest remark. Reidunn is also relieved – she doesn't want to upset Hande, and it could be troublesome for Lydik if her best friend would decide to dislike Lydik without actually getting to know him. The duo raise from their seats and head to Reidunn's home.

***

Reidunn lets Hande enter first to her herbalist shop-apartment. The magician is greeted by music – fiddle music, to be exact. Hande stops in her tracks, starting to listen the sound that comes from upstairs. A melody is swaying and gentle, and has lots of short glissandos in it. The magician can hear a tuning of an instrument differs from her own violin: it sounds warmer, raspier and more ”homemade”. A shy smile rises on her face and she closes her eyes, taking in the whole experience.

Hande's friend can hear the music, too, which fills her mind with worry. Oh no, it's Thursday! Reidunn approaches the magician quickly, fearing she'll be traumatised after this incident. Before she's reached Hande she becomes a little baffled: Hande isn't walking towards upstairs. The huldra slows down and circles to meet the face of her friend. The magician's eyes are still closed, taking in the pleasant melody. Reidunn can see how Hande picks out the tune with her fingers against her thumb, like it's the fingerboard of her violin. Reidunn relaxes immediately. Phew, Hande isn't in trance. The huldra decides to wait for the song to end before she'll speak, for she doesn't want to startle her friend.

When the song ends, Hande opens her eyes and smiles at Reidunn, ”That was beautiful. How did you do it?”

Reidunn thinks for a moment before she opens her mouth, ”It was... Hande, don't freak out, but it was Lydik.”

Realization hits Hande and she feels dumbfounded. It the Nøkken is playing the fiddle, then why...

”Why am I not in trance?” Hande places her hand on her forehead, as if to feel if she has fever. The magician had no idea about this ability of hers. Reidunn seems as much surprised as her but then answers, ”I am not sure what may be the reason of this, but it seems like you're immune to Nøkkens' music.”

The magician, still a little confused, ponders out loud, ”I guess quite a few can do that – maybe it's related to families that have had magicians in their bloodline? There's nothing special about me in addition to that...”

Reidunn looks at her friend, giving her a wistful smile, ”That is a rare ability, I've never heard of anyone who is able to resist Nøkkens' playing. Not any human, at least.”

Hande isn't sure what to say – this ability of hers has taken her completely off-guard. The magician decides she doesn't have the time to muse about it too much – she will have time to think about it and ask from her family later. Now she can see the humorous side of this incident and chuckles to Reidunn, ”That kind of hospitality, eh? Trying to trick unsuspecting guests with his beautiful playing! How rude.”

The huldra looks a little confused, not sure whether her friend is joking or not. Her tail swishes nervously before she answers, ”No, Hande, it isn't a trick. I just brought a friend home. I'm sorry, it's Thursday and for some reason Lydik plays instinctively on Thursdays, and I didn't realise to warn you.”

Hande approaches her friend, hugging her lightly, ”It's okay, Dunna. I was only joking. How could you know he's playing right now? Besides, this was spontaneous visit, so Lydik doesn't know I'm here, either.”

Reidunn relaxes, her tail calming down as well. The huldra can't help but admire Hande's abilty to see humorous side of situations even soon after she has been nervous or baffled because of them. ”Would you like to meet him?” Reidunn asks with a warm smile on her face.

Hande answers her friend's smile with a smirk, ”Weeell, maybe this once. And if something goes wrong, I can always incant him inside of a water orb!”

Reidunn lets out a giggle and leads Hande to upstairs. Lydik is still playing his fiddle, apparently unaware of the company he's going to get. Hande is still a little nervous, but her curiosity is taking over – it's not every day you get an opportunity to meet a fae, after all. She waits behind Reidunn when the huldra knocks on a door that apparently leads to Lydik's room. The fiddle playing ceases and Hande hears a low grunt behind the door. Reidunn turns to Hande, ”For your information: Lydik can't speak, but I can interpret his communication to you. He understands what we are saying.” Hande nods after which Reidunn opens the door.

Lydik has put his fiddle away and turned to see the comers. Whatever Hande has expected to see, it wasn't this: a thin creature almost twice of her height with green skin, only loose pants covering his body. The Nøkken has yellow-green, wavy hair with twigs poking out of it, straight nose, elf-like ears and green, glowing eyes that reminds Hande of alligators.

A yelp, ”Ei perkele, hän on pitkä!²” escapes from the magician's mouth while she instinctively takes a step back towards the door. Her back hits the door and her brain catches up with her reactions. Don't be stupid, startling because of his height! There's nothing he could drown me with, and besides, why would he try to kill me, Reidunn's friend.

Hande's body is filled with embarrassment. ”I... I'm so sorry... I didn't mean to... I... I just got a little startled of how tall you are. I don't know why, but I get this stupid inferiority complex every time I am near someone who's much taller than me...” she stutters, trying to meet the Nøkken's eyes despite of their huge height difference.

Reidunn observes the situation a little worried: she can notice how Lydik has tensed a little, probably willing to hide, and now also Hande is nervous and starting a tangent in order to hide it.

”It's not because of you, it's completely on me... I've never met a Nøkken before and half of my family has always warned me about your kind... Reidunn told me how you helped her when she was a child, I really don't have anything against you, I'm so, so sorry...” Hande continues her rambling, unable to stop the flood of words. Her mind races, like she's on the back of a kelpie, unable to get off while the creature gallops towards the water. Great, now I'm thinking of horses...The last thing I need to do now... The magician starts to wringle her hands and she wants to do is to flee the scene, but she feels like her feet are glued on the floor.

Lydik is watching this new acquaintance in confusion. He isn't sure what he's supposed to do. He can sense the woman is nervous, even a little scared, but isn't sure if it's because of him, or like she claims, because of her. He glances at Reidunn pleadingly and the huldra goes to comfort the woman, who still hasn't stopped her nervous talking.

”Hande, it's okay. Just breathe,” Reidunn says calmly while rubbing her friend's back. Her best friend's voice helps Hande calm down – she feels safe, accepted. Reidunn has always had this skill of making Hande feel comfortable, since the beginning of their friendship. She is Hande's pillar of strength, always there for her, like Hande is for Reidunn. Little by little tha magician's breathing stabilizes and she's able to collect her thoughts. It doesn't make her feel any better about her messing up, but at least she's stopped rambling.

”Well, that was awkard... I'm so sorry, I don't know why I get this nervous in new situations... It seems like I'm socially rustier than I used to be,” Hande raises her gaze to meet Lydik's eyes once again, ”Please, let me try again: My name is Hande Kuura and I'm delighted to meet you.” Hande places her right hand above her heart and bows at the Nøkken in order to greet him.

Lydik is still a little confused, but his body relaxes. He glances at Reidunn who is still by Hande's side. The huldra gives him a nod – it's okay now, even Lydik himself can sense the woman next to Reidunn has calmed down. He cocks his head, but then he gives Hande a small smile while mimicking the magician's gesture. After his greeting he pews at Hande.

The magician looks questioningly at Reidunn, not sure what that sound means. ”I think Lydik is trying to say he's also delighted to meet you. Pew is a friendly sound,” Reidunn interprets.

Hande answers to Lydik's smile. ”I heard you playing, it was beautiful,” Hande says sincerely after a moment of silence. The Nøkken's smile turns into a friendly grin, revealing his sharp teeth. The magician doesn't get startled by that, ironically enough.

”You look different than I imagined,” Hande states looking pensive.

Lydik cocks his head again. This time Hande realises he's asking a question. She thinks for a moment, but then decides she can say her thought out loud, ”Well, to be honest, I expected to meet a huge pile of alga with scary eyes,” she gestures to his direction with her hand, giving the Nøkken a bashful grin, ”This... It is a positive surprise. My expectation would have been way too creepy for me to handle.”

Lydik looks at Hande for a moment, but then he starts to chuff. This yellow-haired woman is funny indeed. His chuffing increases which creates a confused look on Hande's face. The Nøkken notices that and approaches a shelf nearby. He starts to tap some kind of rhythm onto it with his finger. Reidunn follows him carefully while Hande's confusion seems to increase.

When Lydik stops, Reidunn nods and turns to face her friend, ”Lydik used Morse code. He said that he would've thought that sharp teeth would be more creepy than some algae with eyes. He found your remark funny, by the way: that chuffing noise means he's laughing.”

Hande chuckles, surprised by the fact Lydik is laughing at her sayings. ”Morse code, you say?” the magician asks creefully, ”I need to learn that, so I can understand what you're saying.”

A realisation hits Lydik who starts to look confused once more. Still by the shelf, he starts tapping, looking at Reidunn questioningly.

”Oh yes,” Reidunn exclaims, ”Lydik asked how you're fine although he played, Hande,” the huldra turns towards Lydik before she continues, ”Well, it seems like that Hande is immune to Nøkken music. It didn't affect her at all, and Hande didn't even realise at first it was you who was playing.”

Hande nods in affirmative, ”I don't know how, but it seems like Reidunn is right about my immunity”. Lydiks turns to meet Hande's eyes. He looks like he's impressed. Once again the Nøkken taps and Reidunn interprets, ”He says: Woah, I've never met someone who could do that.”

Hande lowers her gaze to the ground, feeling embarrassed for the attention she's getting. In the hopes that Reidunn will indulge her, she tries to slightly change the direction of the discussion. ”Well, your playing did affect me, though. Like I mentioned before, it was very beautiful. I just wanted to stay and listen for a while. I play a violin myself, so it's nice to meet someone who can also do that,” she says wholeheartedly with a friendly smile on her face.

Lydik's impression brightens and he gives Hande a wide smile with some cheerful pews. He places his hands in front of him and then he draws his hands to the opposite directions in the air: his left hand upwards and right hand downwards. The Nøkken's fiddle and bow appear in his hands from thin air.

Hande smiles at Lydik looking impressed, ”That's a neat trick! I have to settle for a case and then glare at anyone who almost kicks it.”

Lydik chuffs and then gestures to his instrument, asking if Hande wants him to play again. The magician's smile softens when she replies, ”Please.”

Lydik lifts his fiddle onto his shoulder. He doesn't need to think for long what he wants to play. The song is faster than the previous one, something one would dance to. Most of the time Lydik concentrates on playing, but from time to time he glances towards the women in his room. Reidunn is swaying with the music and Hande taps the rhythm with her foot. The Nøkken notices Hande's face is lit up with a pure delight, not an empty smile what those people in trance would have. He finds it fascinating, intriguing even, and he wants to play even better because of that. Lydik really likes seeing that look on Hande's face.

After the song ends Hande starts applauding, Reidunn following suit. Lydik is confused, because he isn't sure why the women are clapping, but judging by the smiles on their faces, it is something positive. He smiles a little sheepishly and makes his instrument disappear once again.

Hande notices Lydik's confused expression and hurries to explain, ”Oh sorry, I'm so used to doing this I didn't realise it might be new to you. People start to applaud to a person if they've enjoyed their performance, usually something related to music, but it can be dancing, a speech or something like that. You really are playing well, thank you for this performance.”

Pleased with himself, Lydik grins widely to Hande. A chuckle escapes Hande's mouth, but it's a kindhearted one, so neither Lydik or Reidunn thinks anything of it. The magician seems to think for a moment, before she opens her mouth again, ”Lydik, have you made your fiddle yourself?”

The Nøkken nods in affirmative and Hande's face lits up again, ”That's wonderful! Unfortunately I can't make violins, but my uncle Paavo – he's the brother of my mother – has made mine. From what wood are your fiddle made of?”

The room is filled with Hande's questions, Lydik's tapping and Reidunn's interpreting. The atmosphere is completely relaxed which fills Reidunn with relief – she has been a little nervous when she noticed that her friends were uncomfortable, but now that they have warmed to each other, both of them are able to show their best sides which the huldra enjoys to watch. Lydik's expression grows brighter and brighter, now that he's able to talk about one of his passions with someone who actually understands the details.

After Hande has learned that Lydik has used Nøkken magic to make his fiddle waterproof she starts to wonder about differences between Nøkken and humans in general. The magician keeps eyeing Lydik curiously, trying to determine what kind of skin does the Nøkken have. Only if she could touch it... No, it's not appropriate to touch others! But what if I ask permission first? No! Hande tries her best to listen Reidunn, but she's buzzing with curiosity and it gets harder and harder to contain herself. She must know.

Before Hande can decide whether to open her mouth or keep silent, Lydik's eyes lock on hers. Ugh, he must've sensed I was ogling... She gives him a bashful smile which the Nøkken answers. Feeling a little more courageous, the magician blurts, ”Can I touch you?”

Reidunn turns to watch Hande, looking extremely surprised. Lydik's smile turns into an expression of confusion once more which causes Hande to wince. ”Ugh, sorry... That came out wrong... I meant to ask, if I can touch your skin, to try how it feels like? It seems like the texture of your skin is different from human skin... Of course you don't need to let me if you don't want to, my curiosity just took the best of me...”

Before Hande can start another ramble, Lydik holds out his arm to her, smiling encouragingly to her. Hande holds her tongue and glances at his arm, a little hesitant. ”Are you sure?” the magician asks to which Lydik only nods. Slowly Hande reaches out her right hand towards Lydik's arm. She lightly strokes his hardel with her forefinger a few times. ”I didn't expect it to be this soft,” she states absentmindedly, ”It feels like a skin of a lizard... Interesting...”

Sensing Lydik's pretty intense gaze on her, Hande becomes extremely self-conscious and lets go of Lydik's arm. The magician clears her throat and thanks Lydik for letting her inspect his skin. Then she looks like she just rememberd something and exclaims, ”How rude of me! I kept touching you like a test subject, but didn't offer the same for you. If you want, you can touch my arm.” While saying the last sentence, Hande holds her arm to Lydik in turn.

Lydik isn't quite sure what Hande meant with ”test subject”, but he touches Hande's arm, mimicking her previous movements. The magician's skin feels smooth under his fingers and only soft arm hair offers some texture to it. Lydik notices how the hair on Hande's arm rises up and her muscles tense up a little, so he stops stroking, cocking his head once again.

”Oh, it's okay. I just am not used to new acquaintances touching me,” Hande says bashfully, ”To be honest, usually I don't like being touched at all, if the person is not a close friend of mine or a family member. I was ready to make an exception because of my intrusiveness.”

Lydik is still watching Hande, feeling a little puzzled about how to response to her latest remark. He didn't feel the woman had been intrusive, she has asked permission. This has been the first time someone has asked permission to touch him before doing that, except for Reidunn. Hande has been nervous, yes, but she's also been kind and friendly to him, even though she has learned to fear his kind, if rightfully so.

Lydiks smiles at Hande and gives a clumsy pat on her shoulder with some pews. Reidunn swallows up a giggle and states, ”I think Lydik tries to say he likes you, Hande.”

Hande answers Lydik's smile. ”Thank you, Lydik,” she says sincerely, but after that her smile turns into a mischievious grin, ”I think you're okay... for a Nøkken.”

Everyone stays silent for a moment, but then Lydik starts chuffing which causes Reidunn and Hande to burst into laughter, as well. The atmosphere is full of warmth, and it looks like a magician and a Nøkken have found a friend from each other.

TRANSLATIONS:

¹ ”A Nøkken onto the ground, I into the water...”

² ”Holy shit, he's tall!”

[angeli-marco-writes]

Bill and Fleur - Our Spot

A/N - I do not own these characters, this is a work of fiction. Fleur is an absolute darling and I absolutely adore her. Please enjoy this cuteness despite the awful writing from my wattpad. It was fun to write in my two best languages as well, even if the French is just in bits.

Warnings - mentions of other character death, fluff, bad English and French for 1.6k words. 

Summary - After the final task, Fleur finds herself in despair, and goes to the only spot she can think of to unwind, not expecting to be approached by a handsome stranger.

AFTER CEDRIC'S DEATH and the events of the maze, Fleur could be found in a hidden corner of the Hogwarts grounds that she'd discovered in her time there. She didn't realise anyone else went over there, until she heard footsteps. She didn't really want to be found, she was heartbroken and kind of traumatised. Inside that maze she'd encountered terrors that she never thought could be real.

She looked up, still wearing her blue velvet tracksuit in the faint moonlight mingling with remaining sunlight, and was met with the strikingly handsome ginger gentleman that she'd marvelled at in the stands, and in the relatives room much earlier on.

"Fleur is it? Are you ok?" he asked softly, going up to her and crouching next to her sitting figure. She wiped her eyes instinctively of mascara mingled tear tracks, even though they'd been dry for a while and met his eyes, nodding.

"Yes, I am ok merci. Cedric dying just upset me. Sorry, my Eenglish is not good. Comment t'appelle tu?" She spoke gently, seeing the man sit down next to her in the grass.

"Je m'appelle Bill. Nice to properly meet you." He held her hand gently and kissed it gently, making her chuckle a little but the smile didn't reach her eyes. "I don't speak much French, but I speak enough to get me through a conversation. and your English isn't too bad." He winked, causing her to smile again.

"I'm so sorry zat you found me here. I'm a mess, covered een mud!" She insisted, pointing to the patches of tried mud and blood stains all over her pale tracksuit, but Bill kept his grip on her hand firmly, so she let it happen, intertwining her fingers with his.

"You're beautiful you know?" He murmured after a moment of silence, making her flush a little despite constantly receiving compliments on her looks. She was startled also at how forward he was, and she felt special, like he really saw her. "I know you're part Veela, I can tell, and my brother said so... but it's not just that. You're beautiful even when you're dishevelled and muddy." He chuckled. "And you were so brave to take on that tournament. as soon as I saw you in the chamber and I saw your eyes, and then I saw you outside the maze and I was rooting for you despite Harry basically being my brother." he continued and she laughed a little.

"You should not 'ave looked at me before ze maze. Your handsomeness distracted me." a coy smirk began playing on her lips. She moved her spare hand up to brush some stray red hair off his face and tuck it behind his pierced ear.

She couldn't help but revel in him, despite her own good looks. He was tall and muscular, freckled with piercing blue eyes and a warm smile. He had quite long fiery red hair which was tied at the base of his neck in a little pony tail which suited him, as well as the fang dangling from his ear. Fleur had never felt this way about anyone before, she'd never been nervous around a guy due to her Veela heritage, but that didn't matter here. Despite only knowing him a short time, she felt that Bill could see who she really was beyond her billowing silvery blonde hair, perfect good looks and terrifying anger.

"You wanna talk about any of it? I don't have to get home for a bit, I was just visiting Harry in the hospital wing with mum, and before you ask, he's fine." He said, seeing the sorrow in her eyes, and she nodded. Bill sat down on the ground and pulled her velvet covered legs into his lap, allowing her to be comfortable.

"I feel like I failed me and my school in zis tournament. I did not complete ze second task in le... le lac. Ron et Harry saved ma Gabrielle. Et I messed up in ze maze, bringing shame on Beauxbatons et Madame Maxime. C'est mon année finalement, I wanted time to do somesing special and I failed. And Cedric-" She paused, a single tear rolling down her cheek. "We were friends, ze four of us. Because of this task. And now 'e is gone. I'm so sad he's been killed." 

A lump began forming at the back of her throat and all her pent up emotions from the past year were being released. Bill could somehow tell that she'd be shunned if she showed this emotion to her classmates or headmistress, so he let her cry it all out, wrapping a reassuring arm around her.

"Fleur, you didn't fail your school. You performed admirably in this tournament. It's designed to test you and put you out of your depths ok? Quite literally in that second task, and no one blames you. You were an admirable champion and you've brought glory to your school in your final year, that's nothing to be ashamed of. And Cedric. I know you were friends, Harry wrote to me. Cedric lived in the same village as my family, I saw him growing up; the same year as my brother-" He began, but was cut off by a confused expression from Fleur.

"Your brother eez en Harry's year, non?" She asked with a bemused face, perfectly illuminated in the moonlight, and he laughed, having to gather himself before continuing. He held her legs closer to him, absently drawing shapes on her joggers, but she didn't mind.

"I have five brothers and a sister," He said, and her jaw dropped in response. "There's me, I'm 24, Charlie's 22, Percy's 18, Fred and George are in 6th year here so they're 17, Ron is in Harry's year so 15 now, and Ginny my sister is a year below Ron, she's 13."

Even after he finished, Fleur still looked astonished.  She was admittedly a little awestruck, and it took her a while to speak, to find the words. Bill couldn't care less, he could sit with this beautiful young woman in his old spot under the stars forever.

"You 'ave a grande famille!" She said and he chuckled to himself, their oceans of eyes connecting and forming a bond. "It's just me and ma soeur Gabrielle, she eez almost ten." Her heart seemed to glow as well as her cheeks when thinking of her sister, and Bill could instantly tell they were close.

"Family's amazing isn't it? I want a family of my own one day, just maybe not with seven kids..." he said playfully, and her tears subsided, leaving her able to just enjoy his presence.

"It's ok that you're sad about Cedric, you know, a lot of people are, and you'll be able to go to his funeral. But the ones that love us never really leave us do they?" She nodded, a smile meeting her eyes this time. "There's that gorgeous smile. I know I only saw it at the start of the task and I've only known you, what a day? Properly, less than an hour, but your smile is wonderful." He marvels at her perfect pearly white teeth and her dusty pink lips. 

He didn't mind that she was donning a dirt covered tracksuit with mud and blood on her face, he didn't mind that her hair was messy and held together by a breaking hair bobble, he didn't mind that they didn't speak the same language or that she'd just cried to him. Bill just enjoyed her company and honestly never wanted their meeting to end.

"So, when school ends, what are you gonna do?" He inquired, breaking the silence and pulling Fleur in closer to him, she happily agreed and nuzzled her head in his neck.

"I'm working at Gringotts 'opefully, maybe just in a shop, to make my Eenglish better. Just for ze summer." She smiled before asking him a variation of the same question and seeing his eyes light up.

"I'm a curse breaker for Gringotts!" He grinned, and she joined him, her cheeks beginning to ache. "I was working in Egypt, but now things are getting bad here, I'm gonna work at the main building in England. Guess I'll be seeing you at work then." He teased and nudged her lovingly which she thought was more than amiable.

"You will 'ave to 'elp me," she gazed up at him with wide eyes and he nodded almost immediately in agreement.

"Anytime..." he murmured, their faces getting closer until their lips were inches from one another. "We shouldn't do this. we'll be working together and I'm years older than you." 

He tried to reason his desire, but couldn't even convince himself as their lips met in a lustful kiss. Their lips moved in unison, understanding one another, and they didn't dare let go until they couldn't breathe.

"Madame Maxime will want me at ze carriage now. Eet was nice to meet you, Bill Weasley." She blushed as she stood up and scrambled away, the moonlight reflecting off her hair, but Bill hurried after her and caught her wrist.

"Here." He said, slipping a hair bobble on her wrist. "Yours is about to break, and I know how often they go missing. A token to remember me by, until I see you next month of course." He flushed himself, his cheeks matching his hair, as she stood on her tiptoes to plant a kiss to his cheek.

"Fleur Isabelle Delacour. I come to England on ze 10th of July."

And with that, she ran off into the starry distance, he could see her small frame turn into a faint shadow as he smiled to himself. Maybe it wasn't so bad that someone found his old spot, maybe it was their spot now.

[pluviophile-bookworm]

High School Musical: The Musical: The Series: The Rewatch pt. 5

Technically, I shouldn't be doing this right now. But who are we kidding? I miss my Wildcats and this seems like the only thing I can do to see them again right now. So here goes

1x8: The contractually obligated emotional rollercoaster

This episode sure is a lot... I don't know if I'm ready. But it makes no sense to skip this one. I never skip through stuff I love, even when some parts are borderline traumatising. Plus I remember this episode having a bunch of hilarious moments that are definitely worth it.

'I'm really not sure what to say' — Me neither, Miss Jenn, me neither. I'm just sitting here watching this and I know I'm supposed to comment, but I just can't think of what to say. Sometimes the silence just speaks for itself.

'The Lucky Ducky Puppet Pavilion' — I can never overlook that line. Not when I know how much it took for Matt to deliver it. Fun fact: one of my cats is called Lucky, so when his siblings were about to be born, I briefly considered naming them Ducky, Puppet and Pavilion as a joke.

Ah, the El Rey. The place where Miss Jenn totally did not suffer a professional heartbreak. Things are about to get real here. And by real I mean... real dramatic.

I've got to say, I love the duality of Big Red (well, I do love everything about him so that was a no-brainer, but still): doesn't know how to hang a light, but sure does know how to light up a room; amazing with power tools, but took three weeks to make a paper-mache basketball because he kept gluing his fingers together (that last part is far more relatable than I care to admit). I just love him, ok?

The way Carlos acts about Miss Jenn's box of production notes... honestly, I totally get it. I feel like if there's one person at that point who cares about the show much more than anyone else, it's him. And I fully understand why that is. That poor boy has been lonely for too long, and this show is giving him the chance to be part of an accepting community for what feels like the first time in a long time. Just... give my boy Carlito all the hugs.

For a place that allegedly hasn't been used in so long, the El Rey is not nearly dusty enough. I mean, you should see my room if I forget to hoover for longer than a week. And we're talking about years here. There's allegedly mould in that place, but I don't even see dust. Oh well, maybe I would, if it weren't for that lighting — or lack thereof, more like.

'Whatever it says in Miss Jenn's audition file, I am me, and that is the only me I need to be.' — A beautiful sentiment, my dearest EJ. Now maybe hold on to it for a while... just a suggestion.

'Lacks emotional connection to the material' — well, I do have to agree. My first impression of EJ when I was watching the first couple of episodes for the first time was that he was 'too polished to be Troy'. Too much Technician, too little Performer. And I do love my Performers over my Technicians.

Wait, is that a Redlyn background moment I see? I mean, everything is super chaotic and fast-paced, and my two ginger babies are just sitting together on the side of it all. Bonding, I assume. Good for them.

Seb being the only one to know why Natalie is absent, along with the two of them sitting together in 1x1, makes me think... Natalie and Seb are totally besties! I mean, he's basically besties with everyone he ever talks to, so... what can I say, that boy is sunshine incarnate. He deserves all the love and appreciation.

'I know how to hang... out' — gosh, I love this one. And I can only hope everyone was laughing with him, not at him. Because there's nothing to laugh at. My boy got dragged into this whole crew stuff, it's not his fault he doesn't know everything. He's more of an on-stage person than a backstage person anyway. Maybe put him in the spotlight next time and prepare to get your socks knocked off.

No, Ash, your baking club is not at all irrelevant! Honestly, I have nothing but immense admiration for how Ashlyn manages to be in the top two students most dedicated to theatre and do all those other extracurriculars. And she probably has a 4.-something GPA, too. I don't know what the Caswells are feeding their children, but I need it this instant.

'I just don't know how to make things light up' — 'You walk into a room?' — I just... this is one of my favourite Redlyn moments in the history of Redlyn. See, the thing about Ashlyn's line here is the tone in which she says it. She doesn't mean it as a compliment, but as a statement of the absolute truth. You can hear that in her voice. And with good reason, too, because she isn't lying at all. My boy Reddy sure does light up a room by walking into it. Both of them do, really. They're soulmates, you know.

'This place is not creepy at all...' — Yeah, and things between Ricky and Nini are not totally awkward at all, either. I'm living for this.

'I can do Troy!' — Sure you can, Eej. Sure you can. Emotional connection to the material and all.

Ok, but this entire scene... Carlos marking Gabriella's lines completely flatly, EJ emoting like he's in a freaking telenovela and also chopping onions... Carlos' reaction to the latter... I'm living for all of this.

Big Red just suddenly appearing next to Miss Jenn has me rolling... and also kind of wishing he could appear like that next to me too. I mean, it's not like I've visualised that so many times... certainly not every time I have to pass by a stray dog, or give a blood sample, or talk to people, or whatever... why do you ask?

'I never really loved the name Nina anyway' — listen, I relate to the sentiment of not being super fond of your given name, but... what was that stuff in s2 about, then? I mean, I do understand that too, but the two just seem to clash a bit, I reckon. That's all.

Also, can we talk about Rini's chemistry and how it's sometimes there and sometimes nowhere to be found? I think I've figured it out. Every time the chemistry is there, they're talking about or doing things that are not necessarily inherently romantic. Reminiscing about kindergarten, how they gave each other their nicknames, 'the ribbon in your hair, the secrets that we shared, the way that you would stare at me across the room' (yeah, I went there, and for a good reason)... see, Ricky and Nini have that kind of thing going on where, however hard you try, you just can't be indifferent to the other person. It's obvious that they love each other so much, but whenever they try to make it romantic, something goes south. What I'm saying is, when you're really good friends with somebody and you try to force it into something 'more', or better said, something else (because romance is not inherently 'more' than friendship and you can pry that out of my cold dead aro hands), and the operating word here is 'force', things are bound to go wrong and even reach toxic territory. And Rini are living proof of that. Some people are just better as friends, and sometimes the entire 'I don't want to ruin our friendship' trope is very valid. I just want them to be best buddies, is that too much to ask?

Bless Steph for pushing Kourtney forward when Miss Jenn needed someone to sing! Honestly, it's moments like these that make me feel like the background characters are criminally underrated. I realise not every character can be equally central to the plot, but with this cast, I kind of want them to be. I have the feeling that most, if not all of the one-line characters in this show are people with just as much talent and potential as the main cast. They deserve recognition, you know.

Going off of the above, Dara Reneé is living proof of the point I just made. You know how Kourtney was supposed to be a one-scene wonder with two lines? And then Dara showed up and hiding her in the background was instantly out of the question. I wonder how many more hidden gems there are in the show, just sitting in the background, delivering their single line and waiting their turn in the semi-metaphorical wings.

'I just need a minute, or a vacation, it's not clear' — Me, all the time. Especially after I read chapter 11 of @redlyncentral's Let It Go. That ending broke me. And this line by Miss Jenn just reminded me of that feeling, even if what she's feeling right now might not be the exact same thing I went through with that chapter the other day. That being said, everyone go check out my lovely friend's writing right now, I promise you it's worth every second.

'We're going to take a... long five' — What, no 'thank you, five'? I was expecting that. But I guess everyone is a little bit too distraught for that now.

I have to hand it to Carlos — even when he's very obviously uncomfortable and lowkey scared of some people, he just goes up to them and calls them out. I wish I could ever be bold enough to do that.

Wow, not EJ thrashing Carlos' 'forest of boys' idea. Again. I don't get why everyone dislikes it so much, I think it's brilliant visual poetry and should have been given a chance. I said what I said.

You know, everyone has been calling the show out for saying HSM premiered in the cinema, not on telly like it did in real life; and I have been agreeing with that sentiment. But notice how Miss Jenn said 'the Utah premiere' and how there were family and friends in the audience? What if that was some sort of semi-private screening for cast, crew and their family members? It would make sense. And of course, it was held in Utah because that was where the show was filmed and where the majority of background actors, dancers and extras are from. Idk, but it makes sense to me. Note that I have very limited knowledge of how the period between post-production and the release of a movie works.

Isn't Ashlyn the best, though, always noticing when someone is not ok, hearing them out, helping them... I wish I could be half as good a friend as she is. She and Big Red are totally soulmates in that, too. And they deserve each other more than anyone else deserves them, honestly. I just love both of them so much, both as individuals and as a couple, and I cannot be made to shut up about that just yet.

I've got to say, the entire 'me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me' - 'you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you' thing was super funny. And it makes me love Rini — strictly as friends — even more. You know, I think I used to ship them during s1 because the script wanted me to. Exactly like I didn't notice Big Red until midway through the season because the script didn't want me to. Sometimes the script, the acting, the directing and other stuff has immense power over viewers' perception of a show's plot and characters. And that is, as I always point out, what rewatches are for — noticing things that may have escaped you the first time over.

Yeah, so Nini was Ricky's first crush. So what? Many people have had crushes on their best friend at some point or another. That doesn't necessarily mean they're better off as a couple than they are as friends. The opposite idea is just amatonormativity speaking. I mean, sometimes it's nice and it works out; I love me some well-written best-friends-to-lovers, but that's just not always the case and the media should stop pushing the idea that platonic relationships are in any way inferior to romantic ones.

I've got to say I really don't like it when someone interrupts two people's romantic moment (and Big Red is not exempt from my frustration in such cases even though I love him so much — just think of the In a Heartbeat scene), but honestly, bless Reddy for not letting Ricky and Nini kiss. I mean, I know full well they do kiss later on (and how!), but it's just nice to have semi-platonic Rini for a while. If and when we get season 3 (manifesting!), I really hope we get more of them putting some stuff behind them and just being best buddies.

Kourtney and Seb's friendship is honestly goals and I really wish we'd got some more of it. Just another thing to add to my season 3 wishlist. Along with, you know, an actual season 3.

EJ saying all those nice (and very true) things to Carlos has my heart (or, well, he's renting it temporarily from Redlyn and Seblos, but you know). And Carlos really was like 'A for effort, C for execution', and I adore him for that. But EJ is seriously growing. He's pretty much reached EJ 1.8 at this point, and I love to see it.

Say what you want about the Lucas Grabeel dream sequence, but I love, love, love it. Completely unironically. I mean, he's kind of my favourite OG cast member. And the 'I'm more of a Glinda' comment referencing Kate Reinders actually being one of the BWay Glindas? Here's a note from when I first watched 1x1: The drama teacher won’t stop spilling her coffee and I love her. Also, her actress was Glinda on Broadway, so I stan. See, I didn't even know Miss Jenn's name yet and I already loved her. But then she went and did some stuff in s2 and ruined all of that. Add 'proper Miss Jenn redemption' to my s3 wishlist, I guess. But I'm getting off-track (when am I not?)

I only just noticed that all of the iconic BWay leads mentioned in the song (sans Glinda, of course, but that wasn't even a proper part of the song) start with an E. I wonder if that was on purpose or a lucky accident...

'And you never know when you'll get a cameo...' — If anyone in the HSM franchise knows anything about making the most of a cameo, it's Lucas. I'm referring to his post-credits scene in Sharpay's Fabulous Adventure, of course. That is one of my absolute favourite scenes in the entire movie. Well, that and The Rest of My Life. I very unironically love that number.

Another thing on the list of things I very unironically love — the transitions both into and out of this scene. I just think they're neat.

Have I mentioned before how much I love it that Carlos' response every time someone asks where he has to be is 'Broadway'... it just reminds me a lot of Seb's 'Friendship!' — that's some soulmate stuff right there, if you ask me.

'I just... almost did something really stupid' — Yes, Nini, yes it was very stupid. And you're going to do it anyway. You wouldn't if I had any say in this, but I don't and so here we are. In a world where Rini are a romantic thing, Redlyn get 5 minutes of screentime in s1 and two major moments demoted to post-credits scenes, Seblos haven't even properly discussed their issues, and Portwell didn't even kiss on screen. I lowkey hate it here. Still, I feel like things are going in the right direction. If we get a season 3, that is — and we better be getting it, or I will riot and I know I won't be the only one.

No but... just imagine if Kourtney hadn't called YAC for Nini, but for herself. There's so much potential there... and I think Kourtney and Ashlyn deserved that spot every bit as much as Nini did, and then some. I said what I said.

Well, this was 1x8. This post is already way too long, plus I want to do a double feature of the last two whenever I get to rewatching them, so I'm ending this here. It was just as much of a journey as I remembered it being, and not nearly as negative as I had the feeling it would be. I absolutely loved it, you know. And with good reason too.

[purplepri]

My Drarry fanfic Masterlist

I've been meaning to make this list for a long time now, but my laziness didn't let me. Well, better later than never, so there it goes.

Disclaimer: this fics are from my personal taste. Many of them came from the always fabulous @drarryspecificrecs and @drarryspecificrecsdaily, so make sure to look their recs since it's more diverse. English it's not my first language, sorry for any mistakes. And I will do my very best to not spoil any of it, so my summaries are going to be short.

Long-fic

A Biding Promise by emeraldvssilver [E, +18]

“I choose you Harry. I’m yours. I think… I think I always was. Never could quite stop looking at you, or thinking about you.”

“Draco, I promise you I will protect you. With everything I am, and everything I have, I will protect you.”

Harry's power was an immovable force of nature, and Draco's magic parted for it like it was welcoming an old lover back into it's warm embrace. The Oath took root around Harry's core as he unwittingly bound himself to Draco, and bound himself to his promise.

It's hot, and cute, and I love the magical bond trope so much!!!!

Secrets by Vorabiza [E, +18]

Beginning with Draco's unexpected arrival at the Dursleys, Harry's summer after sixth year becomes filled with activity and many secrets. As his summer progresses, Harry generates several unexpected allies as he finds himself actively becoming the leader of the Light side.

I can't start to describe this one. I've read it instead of the book I was supposed to read for lit class, and I seriously don't regret it. The best of the best!!!!!!!

Safety by vivi1138 [M, +18]

Cedric Diggory is dead, Voldemort is reborn. Narcissa Malfoy knows what this means for her son, and she will not let him be Marked. Even if it means fleeing Britain.

With Amelia Bones' help, a safe haven welcomes six teenagers who have no wish to bow to Voldemort. The only catch? They'll need to adapt to a Muggle lifestyle.

With private teachers to continue their schooling, isolated from the rest of the world, they certainly don't expect to enjoy themselves, especially after Harry Potter himself joins them.

A story where Umbridge wreaks havoc on Hogwarts and Harry is not there to see it.

Good lord, this one. It's a-fucking-mazing in every point, I love this one with all my heart... So beautiful...

The Chamber of Secrets and Half the Adults are Idiots by Des98 [M, +18]

"Harry Potter AU where Harry is hiding in the cabinet in Borgin and Burkes. And he sees Lucius grab Draco with his cane. And he hears the hiss, “What did I tell you?” And he hears the quiver in the blonde boy’s voice, “Don’t touch anything.”

And Harry knows.

Because he’s used the voice that Draco uses for the past twelve years.

He knows.

Because now that he’s lived with the Weasleys for over a month, he knows that that’s not the way that a father’s voice should be.

He knows...

All I can say it's that Harry it's a cinnamon roll, everybody gets called out for their bullshit, and this series just makes me so happy that finally every abuse Harry's been through is addressed and cared for!!!!!!

Finite Incantatum by Alysian_Fields [E, +18]

It’s the autumn after Dumbledore’s death, the Death Eaters are steadily gaining power, and Harry and his friends are desperate to find the remaining Horcruxes. But then Draco Malfoy arrives at Grimmauld Place, traumatised, starved and drained of all his magical ability. It falls to Harry to show the Slytherin how to adapt to his new way of life, never guessing that Draco has a few things to teach him in return.

This one it's phenomenal! Draco needs to learn how to deal with not having magic anymore, and Harry's the one that teaches him. It's so gooooooooood

Harry Potter and The Bound Prince by slashpervert [E, +18]

In HBP, there is a pivotal moment where things could have gone very differently for Harry and Draco. In the bathroom sixth year, Draco is upset that Harry has caught him crying and throws a hex. It escalates and ends in blood, with Harry nearly killing Draco by accident. In this story, instead, unvoiced attraction to Harry motivates Draco to take a chance and kiss him. Once sparked, their mutual desire and exploration becomes the driving force in the alternative ending to the series. Draco's "mission" from Voldemort turns out to be more complex than that presented in canon and their solution even more difficult.

Let's just say that the author's name is very fitting for the content they wrote... But, yeah, there's a lot of smut, but gods if the plot isn't amazing as well...

Dark Wizengamot by Emerys_Potter [T, +13]

Preparing to head to his hearing, just before his fifth year at Hogwarts, Harry learns quickly that Sirius' plans tend to get complicated. In a matter of minutes Harry becomes a Lord of the Wizarding World and in so doing learns that not all his friends are on his side.

Watch as Harry stands up for himself and shakes the Wizengamot, Dumbledore, Hogwarts, Voldemort and the Wizarding World at large for a spin.

Shout out to everyone who loves a good Dumbledore!bashing, Slytherins are people too, BAMF Harry Potter!!! I see you and I love you, please read this fanfic, it's going to worth it!!!!!

Easy as Falling by Lomonaaeren [T, +13]

Harry doesn’t really like the way things are going in the wizarding world. But who’s going to do something about it?...Him, that’s who! (Or, how Harry became a Benevolently Snarky Dark Lord).

I can't. I love Dark!Harry, it's just so EXCITING for me to see someone that was a light symbol fall into the dark and find strength and power there...

Short-fic

Harry Potter and the Sentinel Phenomenon by elissblair [M, +18]

Everything changes the summer after fifth year. Draco refuses to take the Dark Mark and must deal with leaving behind the life, friends and family he's always known.The Dursley's abandon Harry alone in the woods for a week, triggering his Sentinel gifts and leaving him hurting and in need of a Guide. Can two rivals put aside five years worth of antagonism in order to work together to save Hogwarts and each other?

I don't know what to say about this one... So cute and well written, I love this so much, OMG...

The Devil's White Knight by orphan_account [E, +18]

When Harry wakes up in an alternate timeline--a timeline where Voldemort was defeated long before the first war--he discovers everything is different. His parents, his godfather, his friends--and him. Harry must deal with the consequences of who he would have been if he had been raised by his parents, and figure out where he stands with his casual hook up, Draco Malfoy.

I love this one so much and often read it again just for the sake of it. Family it's a complicated matter, isn't it?

Azoth by zeitgeistic [E, +18]

Now that Harry is back at Hogwarts with Hermione for eighth year, he realises that something’s missing from his life, and it either has to do with Ron, his boggart, Snape, or Malfoy. Furthermore, what, exactly, does it mean when one’s life is defined by the desire to simultaneously impress and annoy a portrait? Harry has no idea; he’s too busy trying not to be in love with Malfoy to care.

Alchemy, apprenticeship, mentor!Snape... What a ride this one is! But it's amazing, ugh!

One-Shot

Changeable Weather by tigersilver [E, +18]

They should be studying for their exams, but it's too hot, so everyone is just hanging around by the lake in various states of undress. Draco cannot cope with all of Harry's exposed skin.

You know... Summer vibes, beach(it's the lake of Hogwarts), Harry being all good-looking and that's it.

Breaking the Curse by GatewayGirl [E, +18]

At first, not being able to hire Slytherins didn't seem too bad, but now Auror Potter is taking it personally. If only Draco Malfoy didn't keep cropping up in his investigation.

There's a curse at the Ministry and the former Slytherins can't get a job in there. Of course auror Potter needs to be the one who breaks it, huh? And of course it's sex magic, huh?

Buy a Heart by xErised [E, +18]

Draco's cock hardens as he looks at the invitation to the charity auction; his golden ticket to one wild night of desperate sex with Potter to get rid of this inexplicable obsession. His heart whispers that one night will never be enough, but Draco is beyond caring. All he knows is that he will pay any price to have Potter over and over again.

Harry being a size queen it's my smut pet peeve, I'm not going to lie. But yeah, very hot sex all around the hotel room. That's it.

Crush by MissyMallow [T, +13]

Harry Potter; one gorgeous specimen ever created. Draco Malfoy’s crush.

This one made me so happy while I was reading! It’s amazing!

[where-theres-smoak-2]

S&B Book Review From A Show Viewer.

I did it, I got the Shadow and Bone book yesterday and I’ve just finished it. I have to say the ending left me both shocked and flabbergasted and not necessarily in a good way but I will get into why soon. I don’t want people to think that I thought the book was bad because its not, I thought it was ok, I mean its not my favourite fantasy novel but I still enjoyed parts of it. I think the best way I can describe my feelings about it is you know when a film comes out that’s based on a novel they always say watch the film before you read the books or the film will disappoint you, well I feel like its the other way round with the books, I just think the show is better than the book, and by watching the show first I was a little disappointed with the book and I do think if I had read the book first I would have enjoyed it more if that makes sense. But like I said there were parts of the book that I enjoyed there were even some things that I think were handled better in the book than in the show. But overall in my opinion I do think that the show is better. So in this review/ comparison I am going to talk first about the parts that I wasn’t so keen on then the parts I liked as I like to end on a good note. Also let it be known I have only read the first book and obviously there are spoilers for both the first book and the show. The rest is under the cut.

 Dislikes.

1) The Characters. 

So when I got half way through the book there was something about it that just didn't feel right to me and I couldn’t, at first, put my finger on what it was. For some reason I just wasn’t enjoying the book as much as I thought I would. Then it hit me, I didn’t really like any of the characters. In the show I loved or at least liked pretty much every character. For example Marie and Nadia, although they were only side characters who didn’t get much screen time, I liked them, they seemed like such sweethearts. But in the books Alina describes them as being two faced, how they are all sweet to Zoya to her face but then are mean behind her back and Alina wonders if they are the same with her and she doesn’t really seem to trust them. Whereas in the show like I said they seemed genuinely sweet and it seemed like Alina really was friends with them. Another example is Dubrov and Mikhael. They are only really in like a paragraph or two of the book and they aren’t nice at all. In the show they were lovable goofs, their friendship with Mal is soo wholesome and we see Alina meet them for the first time. However in the books Alina already knows them and they refer to her as ‘sticks’ which she hates and she also thinks about how Mikhael had once ‘pawed at her’ whilst drunk. The reason why I think their show counterparts are better (other than they just seem to be nicer human beings) is because I liked them I was sad when they died. I was upset when Marie died. I cried when Mikhael and Dubrov died, because I cared about their characters. Whereas in the books to be honest I really couldn’t have cared less when I learnt that they had died. 

Even the main characters didn’t do much for me. It’s not that I didn't like them I just didn't love them the same way I did in the show. I can understand now why so many people dislike book Mal. He is barely in the first book, in the beginning its not that he’s a bad person but its obvious that Alina feels ignored by him and he’s a little oblivious to her, its the classic taking a friend for granted until you lose them and then realise how much they meant to you situation. I think the fact that we don’t see any of what Mal is up to whilst they are separated doesn’t do any favours for the character in the book. When he does show up he is cold and actually kind of mean to Alina. I do believe that alot of this is because he is traumatised by witnessing the deaths of his friends but I will get into that more later. As for Alina and the Darkling again I didn’t dislike them I think out of all the characters they were the most interesting but I didn’t feel that same connection with them that I did in the show. Basically there wasn’t a single character where I had that I love this character moment, I was just kind of meh about them all. 

2) Alina’s Age and Agency.

Another thing that the show did better in my opinion was aging Alina up and giving her more agency. In the book she is only 17 and I think you can tell that. She is much more timid and dare I say whiny in the book. I mean she comes across as a teenage girl which is what she is so it’s not the books fault she was written as she was supposed to be. But after seeing her show counterpart who wasn’t afraid to stand up for herself and defended Mal the book Alina seemed like a different character, one that I felt like I just didn’t know and one that I didn’t love as much as the show version. I mean in the show Alina shows these moments of defiance. Like when she is first brought to the General’s tent and he asks ‘well’ and she replies ‘well what’ before remembering who she is talking to and adding ‘sir’. Again when the Queen in making the comments about her being Shu and asks her maid to say good morning to her. And so Alina tells the queen she doesn’t actually speak Shu before again remembering who she is talking to and adding ‘your highness’. When Mal is being bullied at the orphanage and she threatened the bully with I think it was a letter opener. She has this kind of snarky, sassiness about her that I didn’t really get in the books. Also I feel like Alina had alot more agency in the show. Like burning the maps to get on the skiff. It was a terrible idea no doubt, but it was her doing something to get herself on the skiff so she could help her friend. In the books their unit is ordered to cross the fold from the beginning, Alina has nothing to do with her being on the skiff. Also with her relationship with The Darkling, Alina is mostly nervous around him and he is the one that initiates all their kisses. Whereas in the show Alina is the one to kiss him first. I do feel like in the book Alina is more kind of pushed and pulled around by the plot or by other characters and doesn’t really do much for herself. Like another example is when Baghra reveals that The Darkling is the Black Heretic in the book she has this whole plan for Alina’s escape which is for her to go to Os Kervo and board a ship where her passage has already been paid for and in the book Alina just goes with it, whereas in the show we see her decide not to take Baghra’s instructions and escapes herself, her own way, again it might not have been the best choice seeing as she puts herself right into The Crows hands but it is her choice. Even the decision to go after the Stag isn’t hers in the books. It’s Mal’s. There was one decision that Alina did make for herself and it was one part of the book that I think I hated the most which I will get into later.

I do like that she is older in the show as I feel like I personally can relate more to her as an adult as oppose to a teenager. Its also fresher because there are so many of these young adult fantasy adaptions where the heroines are 16-18 years old and that nice but you are still a young adult in your early twenties and so I think its a nice change to see a slightly older heroine if that makes sense.

3) The Darkling’s name and Novokribirsk.

Well I know this one is not going to make me popular with the book fans but I really didn’t like that no one knew the Darkling’s name or rather that he didn’t have a name really. I know his name reveal is a big deal to book fans and that was one thing they didn’t like about the show and maybe if I had read the book first I would have agreed. But I personally, having learnt his name in the show, found it difficult seeing everyone refer to him as The Darkling because in the show it is only really used by his enemies and always in a derogatory way and as a slur, everyone else just calls him The Black General or General Kirigan. I also think the fact that he does have a name in the show makes him a little more human. The other difference between the show and the book is Novokribirsk. In the show although I didn’t necessarily agree with him expanding the Fold into Novokribirsk I understood his reasons behind it, his motivations. But the West Ravkan rebels plot doesn’t exist in the book and so I just couldn’t understand why he was killing his own people, why he was killing Ravkans. If he had expanded the Fold into Fjerda or Shu Han I would have understood but Novokribirsk made no sense. I am sure I am wrong about this but I kind of felt like Bardugo was trying to be shocking and trying to show look he’s a villain but it just didn’t line up with the rest of his character. Like he is power hungry yes but he also cares about the Grisha and the Ravkans and so him turning on the people of his own country with no motivation at all didn’t make sense to me. Instead of feeling shocked I just felt kind of confused by his actions. 

4) The Reveal That Genya Is A Spy.

This is another one where I feel like if I had read the books first it wouldn’t have bugged me so much. But one of the more powerfully emotional scenes for me in the show was that conversation between Genya and Alina in episode 7 where Alina realises that Genya was Kirigan’s spy. It is heartbreaking to see these two friends fall apart like this and you can see both of their sides. You can understand why Alina feels betrayed but you can also understand why Genya did it. But in the book the scene just isn’t that emotional. Alina realises that Genya is a spy but whilst we see her thoughts and her processing it she doesn’t confront Genya about it. Instead Genya tells Alina that David feels terrible about putting the collar on her and that he feels like he has destroyed all of Ravka. As Genya leaves Alina calls after her asking her to tell David she forgives him and then she silently, in her head, forgives Genya too. I just was disappointed in this scene when I read it. I do think this is just another thing that was handled better in the show. 

5) Mal and Alina’s Sudden Romance.

Ok I’m not hating on Mal and Alina here I actually think (well more in the show than the book) that their relationship is cute, I don’t hate the relationship its just that I prefer Darklina. But in the book I was actually really shocked when they kissed. For me I feel like it was a little jarring and I would have preferred if their kiss had come in the second book. I think the problem is it just felt like there was no development. I mean we had Alina spending the majority of the book lamenting about how Mal doesn’t like her back and only sees her as a friend. We barely see Mal in the book at all and then all of a sudden they don’t just kiss but are confessing their undying love for each other and I was just left with my head in a bit of spin at how fast that change came. But hey maybe it was just me. I do think part of the problem is that we only get Alina’s pov so that makes it come as more of a surprise. But they went from just friends to intense burning love in 0.1 seconds flat and for me it was just too much of a rush. I just wish it had been built up a bit slower as I felt like they got to the whole I love you’s a bit too quick. Even if they had their first kiss at the very end of the book and then continued to build the relationship in book 2 and have the love confessions then I think it would have been a bit more believable to me. 

6) Shaming Alina. 

Ok so there were a couple of times where I felt like other characters were shaming Alina for having feelings for The Darkling and for falling for his manipulation. Of course I could be misinterpreting this but I didn’t like the connotations behind these lines. The first was when Baghra is organising for Alina to escape and Baghra tells her she’ll organise for a servant to be placed at Alina’s door who will claim she is ill so that Alina has more time to get away. When Alina tells her the servant would have to be placed this evening as The Darkling may come to her room and Baghra replies with ‘foolish girl’. Obviously this makes Alina feel ashamed and even more foolish for falling for The Darkling’s manipulation. Here’s the thing I don’t mind Alina feeling foolish I think that’s realistic, I think any of us would feel like a fool if we were in the same situation. What I don’t like is the author having other character’s call her foolish for being manipulated by someone. I just don’t think its the healthiest of lessons to teach to young girls that if you are unfortunate enough to be manipulated by a a man than girl are you a fool. I don’t necessarily think it was the author���s intention to present it that way but I do think that is a message that a young girl could take away from this, I mean if I can interrupt it this way than others could too. 

I felt a similar way with Mal’s line when he says ‘I love you, Alina, even the part of you that loved him.’ Look I’m sure that this line was suppose to be romantic and show acceptance. But it bothered me, it really really bothered me. It bothered me because once again it is suggesting that Alina should be ashamed that she had feelings for the Darkling, it presents Mal as being this oh so righteous person because look at him he loves her even though she once loved The Darkling. It suggests that its harder for him to love her because she loved the darkling and like she has to be forgiven for it or as if she has been tainted by it. It wasn’t Alina’s fault that she developed feelings for The Darkling or that she was manipulated by him. And Mal isn’t a better person for loving her even though she loved The Darkling, he shouldn’t get extra brownie points for loving all of her unconditionally. 

7) Alina Is A Murderer!!! 

Ok so this is the part of the book that shocked the hell out of me but also left me utterly confused and I hated it, I really hated it. I’m also kind of baffled as to how I’ve not seen anyone talking about this. I mean maybe I am over-reacting but I have only just finished the book so it is still pretty fresh. But there is a huge difference between the ending of the first book and the ending of the series and that is what happens in The Fold. So first off Mal doesn’t sneak on to the skiff he is there because the Darkling is planning to execute him as a traitor by feeding him to the Volcra. The other thing is there are alot more people on the skiff, you’ve got the ambassadors from Fjerda and Shu Han, you’ve got Kerch Merchants, you’ve got an envoy for the King, you’ve got a ton of Grisha and their are also a ton of soldiers, all on this skiff. The darkling also never has Ivan kill the ambassadors they don’t try to fight back against him after he expands the Fold. What does happen is this, The Darkling throws Mal overboard and this is what triggers Alina being able to free herself and her power from The Darkling’s control. She then abandons ship and jumps off the skiff to Mal and leaves everyone who is onboard to die. Which in itself is bad enough but that's not all she does. She doesn’t just leave them without her light to protect them she uses the cut to destroy the skiff, she damages the mast and also cuts the skiff in half essentially stranding them there without any way of escaping. She does this knowing that they will all die.

I know what some of you will say. How can you be mad about Alina doing this when the Darkling has killed people and you still like him. Well first off because The Darkling is the anti hero in the show whose motivations I understood and well I’ve already said I wasn’t a huge fan of his actions with Novokribirsk in the books. Also with him being the antagonist I know he’s going to do things that are morally grey or downright dark. I don’t however expect it from my hero of the story. Also I wouldn’t have cared as much if Alina had a valid reason for doing it. Like she was sacrificing these people to safe a larger number of people or something like that where she was in some kind of moral conundrum where sacrificing the people on the skiff was for the greater good, if it was for example a situation like Clarke from the 100 and the Mountain Men, what she did was terrible and definitely morally grey but she did it to save her people and that’s what made it interesting to see her struggle with the guilt of it, to be horrified at what she had done but understand that it was a difficult decision for her that needed to be made for her peoples survival. Or even if it were a similar situation to Katniss and Finnick in Mockingjay where she knew she couldn’t save him so had to make the choice to sacrifice him to stop the mutts from coming after the rest of them. But that’s not what was happening here with Alina, she does it to save Mal. And look I get it. Mal is her childhood friend, and Mal is the person she loves, Mal is her home. But Mal is also one person and she probably could have found a  way to save him without sacrificing everyone else to do it you know like she does in the show. It’s not even just the leaving them behind bit that gets to me but I just don’t think it was necessary for her to break the ship. It was one thing to take her light from them and use it to protect only her and Mal, but at least if she had left the skiff unscathed they would have had a chance to survive. 

I mean maybe I am just have too much of a rigid idea of what a  hero is suppose to be or gotten too used to heroines being a certain way but the difference between the hero and the villain is that whilst the villain does everything for themselves and is usually very selfish the hero is supposed to be selfless. They are suppose to think of the greater good and put that above all else, they make personal sacrifices and that doesn’t necessarily mean not protecting their loved ones but it also doesn’t mean leaving innocent people to die just so that you can save one person, regardless of how important that person is to you. 

I mean  I feel like we are being told that Alina is this saviour and that she is the hero but then the character isn’t acting like the hero. I mean she doesn’t seem to care about anybody but Mal and yet she is still very judgemental of the Darkling even though he is trying to save his people albeit in completely the wrong way. 

  I mean one thing I will say is that she does recognise that what she has done makes her like The Darkling. She also does have guilt about it and nightmares but I found it hard to have sympathy for her because I just didn’t think it was necessary for her to do it. 

I don’t know maybe I’ll feel differently about it in a few days after I’ve processed it more but at the moment I feel strangely betrayed by the book like they’ve taken one of my favourite characters and ruined her. Which I know is silly because the books came first but I just can’t help but think my show Alina would never. She saved Mal and everyone on the skiff.  

Grey Area

Ok so this section is an odd one, so this is things that I’m not sure how I feel about them I liked some bits but also didn’t like some bits. 

1) Alina’s POV

So the book is told entirely from Alina’s pov and to be honest I am of two minds as to whether that's a good thing or a bad. I mean most YA fantasy novels are told from the heroine’s pov like The Hunger Games or Divergent. So this is something that can work, but in the case of Shadow and Bone I feel like having it solely from Alina’s pov was at the detriment of the other characters. I feel like because Alina doesn’t like alot of the other characters or has negative thoughts about alot of the other characters the reader also doesn’t like them. On the flip side of this it does very much put you in Alina’s shoes so it helps you better understand that isolation she feels and that not really trusting people, doubting them. You can understand her struggle to connect with people and how she always wonders if they really do like her or if they have an ulterior motive. There is this one part earlier on in the book where she talks about how people, in particular girls, would befriend her but it was only because she was friends with Mal and they were interested in him, so they used her to get close to him. I think this really does explain why she struggles to trust people when she gets to the Little Palace as she automatically assumes that if they are trying to be friends with her its because they want something from her. Because you can see her thoughts you also get a really good idea of how insecure she feels and how much she wants to be accepted. Like there are several parts where its obvious that she wants to please The Darkling, or she wants to impress Baghra or Botkin. She worries about how the other summoners will react if they find out she is struggling with her powers. There is one scene I loved where Alina is finally able to summon on her own and she just rushes outside to the lake where all the other summoners are to show off her powers because she is just so excited. All of this where its exploring Alina’s thoughts and feelings is great and well written but I think the problem of having it from her pov is although you get a good idea of Alina and how she feels, first impressions are also important and we get all of our first impressions of the other characters through Alina. However Alina doesn’t really like anybody, so  when she talks about how mean Dubrov and Mikhael are and how they call her names and ignore her, or when she talks about Mal not really seeing her and taking her for granted, or when she thinks about how two faced Marie and Nadia are, how grumpy Ivan is, how intimidating and mysterious The Darkling is, and so on, these impressions of the character stick with the reader and so I think it is then hard for the reader to change their view on these characters, if that makes sense. So in some ways the first person narrative is great but in others I think it is a little bit of a problem.   

2) Mal’s Reaction To Alina And The Darkling/ Their Reunion.

Ok so this might be a controversial one but I’m kind of split on which of Mal’s reactions I prefer. I know that seems crazy considering how mean he is to Alina in the books when they see each other again for the first time since she is discovered to be Grisha, but hear me out. On the one side I liked how non judgemental show Mal was when Alina admits that she had feelings for Aleksander. I liked that he said she didn’t owe him an explanation because its true she doesn’t, just like he doesn’t owe her an explanation for any relationships he’s had. So in that sense I think the show did it better. 

In the books their reunion doesn’t go so well. Mal shows up at the Little Palace having found the Stag and unlike in the show he does speak with Alina. But its a very negative interaction where he gets angry about her wearing black and talks about how the Darkling is all over her and just in general makes her feel bad about this new life she has found as a Grisha. Obviously I didn’t enjoy this scene but there was one element of this whole reunion that I did like and that is Mal’s trauma. In the show they don’t really address the trauma Mal experiences at seeing his friends die beyond a small conversation with Alina where he tells her what happened to them. But in the book during this scene and then later when they are travelling to find the Stag together Alina notes a few times that he sometimes gets a look in his eyes or that he seems different. There is a notable change in him due to what has happened to him and I feel like this gives some depth to the character. Yes he acts like a dick to Alina but its because of his trauma.   

Likes

Ok on to the good stuff, things that I loved from the books. 

1) Grisha Powers And Amplifiers.

So I’ll be honest the books do a better job of explaining the Grisha abilities and the amplifiers than the show does. So in the show they do have that line about the small science feeds us and merzost feeds on us. Well in the book this is better explained and you find out that a Grisha gets stronger and healthier the more they use their powers. Whilst in the show Alina tricks the testers by cutting her hand, in the book she actually supresses her powers. As a result this makes her ill, she always has circles under her eyes and she has no appetite so she is really skinny. I really like this idea that instead of draining them like most fantasy powers do in other series it actually makes them stronger. I thought it was a very interesting concept. It also explains why Baghra looks to have aged despite being immortal like The Darkling. In the book when Alina asks The Darkling what powers Baghra has he replies that it had been so long since she had used them that no one knew. So it seems like the reason why Baghra has aged is because she isn’t summoning. 

The other thing that we get more information about in the books is the use of amplifiers. Morozova’s creatures aren’t the only amplifiers other Grisha do have them for example Ivan has a bear claw and Marie has a seal amplifier. I think Zoya also has an amplifier. We also find out that a Grisha usually can only have one amplifier.  

2) Ivan’s Backstory 

Ok this is probably a small thing but I really wish they had kept Ivan’s backstory in the show. He lost family to the Fjerdans, if I remember rightly I think it was his father, brother and uncle. Though correct me if I am wrong on that. But this has obviously had an impact on him and he says they died fighting the King’s wars. It just really goes a long way to explain why Ivan is so loyal to The Darkling. Its because he believes the Darkling will end all wars and seeing as Ivan has lost a large portion of his family to war it makes sense that he would stand by the Darkling. 

3) Alina’s Time At The Little Palace. 

So another thing the books did better than the show was showing the time and training that Alina goes through. In the show it only seems like Alina is at the Little Palace for a few weeks but she is actually there for at least five months if not more. You also see her struggle with her powers and combat training more and you see her starting to get better at both. In the show by the end of episode 4 she can summon on her own and she has that break through but it takes alot longer in the books. But yeah I would have loved to see more of her training. 

4) Baghra and The Darkling. 

So this isn’t really something the book does better but it was a scene that I really liked and that was where Alina arrives to her lesson with Baghra and The Darkling is there and she is surprised that Baghra is arguing with him. Whilst we do get the interaction between Baghra and Aleksander in the show which I did really like, Alina herself never sees the two interact and I think it would have been interesting if she had. I just wish in general that we had gotten more interactions between the mother and son. The other thing I liked was during the scene where Baghra is helping Alina escape Alina question why Baghra would be betraying her son. One thing I did wonder when watching the show was if Baghra knew all this information about Aleksander and how he wanted to expand the fold and if she really did believe he was power hungry, why did she stay by his side. Well the book does give an answer to this and she says she loves her son that’s why she is trying to stop him because she doesn’t want him to cross a line he can’t come back from. I do feel like this adds more depth and complexity to their relationship which I am always glad for. I can’t wait to learn more of their backstory. 

5) Alina’s Mirrored Gloves.

In the books the gloves David makes for Alina are used alot more. They are also described as being mirrored whereas in the tv show they looked more like gold chainmail. Also she gets them sooner in the books. But they’re really cool and she uses them to like distract or blind her opponent during hand to hand combat. Also I really like the scene when they are introduced because its basically Genya giving Alina a tour and they go to the Fabrikator workshop and when Genya introduces David he’s working on the gloves and he just goes these are for you. It’s awkward but also funny. 

6) Genya and David.

You get so much more of their relationship in the books. Well by so much more I mean Genya does talk to Alina about David. As a result we get one of my favourite interactions in the book where they are having a girly talk and Alina tries to reassure Genya that David will come around and that he’s just shy, then Genya says ‘“Maybe I should lie down on a table in the workroom and wait to see if he welds something to me.” To which Alina says “I think that’s the way most great love stories begin.” I don’t know why but I just loved this I think its because its just two girls talking about a crush and I think its very relatable. But yeah Genya and David are very cute. 

7) Tidemakers.

So one of the things I wished we could have seen in the show was the tidemakers using their powers. We get told about them and obviously they can control water but we never see one. Well in the books we do get Tidemakers using their powers and we get Alina describing them to us. There is a particularly cool scene that happens at the winter fete where tidemakers create this wave as part of the Grisha demonstration that then gets turned into mist by inferni. It wasn’t much but I still enjoyed getting a little glimpse of them using their powers. 

Ok that’s all I can think of for now, I’m sure I’ll think of more once I’ve had more time to process the book. But overall I thought it was ok I am interested to see where the characters go from here. I ordered the second book already and its due to arrive tomorrow so looking forward to that. As for this book if I gave it a rating I’d say its probably a 6/10 I thought it was good but there were some things about it that I think it could have done better with.  

[yourwatchisbroken]

i have a lot to say about the last of us part 2 (many many spoilers ahead)

It’s been about five hours since I finished the game and I’ve done nothing but think about it since. I played it for fifteen hours on release day, fifteen hours the next day, and the last three hours this morning. I was in tears for the entire final section and all through the credits and then about an hour after. I could not stop crying. I felt so broken when she walked away and left her guitar there, it crushed me to see her with nothing at all. But even though the last half hour of that game was absolutely soul crushing, I think there is still hope for Ellie. There’s nothing stopping her from going back to Jackson and finding Dina and JJ. That has to be what happens next.

I knew that Ellie lived until the end because I went searching forums for peace of mind the day before release day, and I’m so glad I did. I also saw the leaks about Joel, so I had a few weeks to process the fact that he dies, and come to terms with the story. Absolutely I am glad that I knew those two things going into this game because otherwise it would have wrecked me even more than it did. I also read a ton of reviews, and I think they prepared me even more. The way that reviewers were talking, I was expecting the story to be 100% dark with absolutely no light moments. I had prepared for the worst, and I was not expecting all of the hopeful moments, joking around moments, pure moments, happy moments, bits of banter. Obviously it’s not as much as the first game, but those classic the last of us moments are still there, even if they are a lot more sparse.

I like how it ends. Now that I’ve had time to think about it and look back, I am glad that things went the way they did. Having read the reviews and seen how terribly dark the story is, it could have gone a lot worse. I was so scared that they would kill Ellie at the end, since Naughty Dog seemed to be taking this really dark route. They were really focusing on the hate in the story and how the entire game is driven by revenge, but I didn’t actually feel much of that from playing it, at least not anywhere near as much as I was expecting. I think Ellie reached her peak of angry vengeance with Nora, but it clearly messed her up to think about what she had done. Killing Mel messed her up big time as well, and she was so close to going back to Jackson afterwards, and giving up on killing Abby. If Abby hadn’t come in and stirred things up again, she may well have let it go.

Abby’s section of the game was much longer than I would have wanted, but I’m not sure how it could have been shortened because I think all of those moments were important. I’m very neutral about her character and her friends. Didn’t really get attached to them as much as I think the game was wanting.

The Ellie boss battle is something that weirdly works really well. I would never have expected it to have such an impact, making the main character of the story be the boss, but it did. Ellie is scary and very deadly, and I don’t think you realise that as much when you’re playing as her. It’s interesting to see it from the other side. However, I definitely would not have liked it as much at the time if I wasn’t already 100% sure that Ellie lives, because I’d be so terrified that this would be the end of her.

The first farm chapter was incredible. I absolutely loved seeing Ellie being Ellie, telling JJ all her puns and drawing Dina with the baby, reading her comics and playing her guitar. For about twenty minutes, everything was absolutely perfect, and it was a huge surprise, very unexpected, very appreciated. In an ideal world, the game would have ended here, but whatever I guess.

I can absolutely understand why she left to find Abby one last time. As heartbreaking as it was to watch her go, she was just so desperate to do something to put her mind at rest. It wasn’t out of hate or revenge this time. To me it just looked like Ellie’s way of dealing with her grief. Not necessarily the best way to deal with grief, but can you blame her, considering how traumatised she was, and how she couldn’t sleep or eat, not to mention the years of trauma. And of course, Tommy’s whole guilt tripping speech about how lucky she is didn’t help her any. I am pretty upset with Tommy for saying all of that to her, but I can just about understand where he was coming from, considering that he’d broken up with Maria, lost one of his eyes, and could hardly walk anymore. Still very mad with him though.

I can understand why Ellie didn’t kill Abby in the end. Everything else that happened was years ago by this point. Everything that happened in Seattle was within a few weeks of Joel dying, but all of that adrenaline would have been long gone by the end of the game. She knew Abby had Lev with her, and that killing her wouldn’t actually change anything. She was tired and a not thinking straight for that entire section, including her decision to leave in the first place. I’m glad that she left Abby alive. I don’t think killing her would have given Ellie the closure she was so desperate for, but walking away might.

The flashbacks were really effective, especially the ones that started you off on that corridor in St Mary’s hospital. The moment that Ellie was stood there, walking towards the surgery room, I knew something big was about to happen. I’m so glad we got to find out exactly what happened with Joel’s lie and see the moment when Ellie finds out, even though it was heartbreaking to watch. Seeing Ellie tell Joel that she’d like to try and forgive him was so nice to see as well.

Overall, quite an emotional rollercoaster and I’ll be thinking about it for a very very long time. Right now though, I’m gonna start my second playthrough.