#even if she can talk 'telepathically' sometime

[gor3sigil]

I’m Trans and Insane and I’m doing fine.

[TW Psychosis, transphobia, psychophobia, medication, psych ward]

“Are you sure ?” she asked.

I remember looking back at her in disbelief, because that was certainly a question I never asked her when she came out.

“Why do you ask ?” I say.

“Dude, I’ve seen you go into depersonalization so hard you even thought you were a human soul in a robot vessel and now, you want me to trust you when you say that you, too, are trans ?”

That’s the memory that comes back to me as I fold and put in my bag my psychiatrist’s note attesting that I suffer from gender dysphoria, NOT LINKED to any psychotic symptoms. Here it goes in my folder with my prescription note, an increase - again - of my anti depressants and Xan, and my endocrinologist’s HRT prescription, increased too - finally.

I go to two separate pharmacies to pick up each prescription for two reasons:

There is only one in this godforsaken town that always had testosterone in stock.

I can’t explain to you with words the look you can get when you give back to back, to someone who, despite not being a doctor, works in healthcare, a note for trans HRT and then a note for psychiatric meds.

And I’m lucky, because I’m not taking antipsychotics anymore. Contrarily to what you could think, it doesn’t magically makes the voices and the shadowy people disappear, but it can make a mess of your head pretty bad and my doctor and I both agreed that I didn’t need more damage up here than what I already had. And no, it doesn’t make your delusions vanish magically too: in fact, I was still pretty certain that I was talking to my soul family out here in Argentine telepathically about my mission on Earth, the meds just made it more difficult to understand their voices, but the belief was still solid.

Anyways, I’m back home with the Hoy Grail I fought tooth and nails to get: a letter from the Sacred Council of Mental Sanity also known as Psychiatry that I was, indeed, a bit delulu, but also trans, and that both things didn’t play into each other. My transness wasn’t a delusion, my delusions didn’t have anything to do with being trans.

Or did it ?

Chicken or egg, you know the drill. Did I have my selves fractured before and one of the piece that shattered my brain happened to make me trans or was I just trans with a shitload of traumas in the back that made me insane ?

But don’t worry, at least, trans people when we’re together, we have each other’s back ! Right ?

“Transidentity ISN’T a mental illness !! We don’t DESERVE to be FORCIBLY LOCKED UP and MEDICATED and MADE TO CONFORM FOR OTHER’S SENSE OF SECURITY !!”

Neither do I, RIGHT ?

Oh

Or do I ?

Remember what she said, my girlfriend, right at the beginning ?

How I can’t be trusted about myself when sometimes I don’t even have a sense of self anymore or I have too much selves who fight against each other ?

And what do we say to that ?

Get treatment. Get in-patient. Take medication. And for the love of God, shut the fuck up about it, you’re giving us a bad name.

Because being trans and crazy can’t exist. It’s absurd. You have to fix one of these two things. Choose which jacket I’ll wear, and they call it a straitjacket for a reason it seems, so am I queer or am I insane ?

All I know today is there isn’t a universe in which I’m a trans without any mental illnesses, or mentally ill without being trans. And yet, I can’t tell you how many time I got asked “do you think you’d be trans if you never got through [x trauma] ?”. I. Don’t. Know. I’ll never know. And I deserve just as much agency as you get despite being mentally ill. If you don’t believe in that, don’t come yapping about “liberation for all of us”, but “if one of us is crazy they’ll all think I am too and that can’t happen”.

No LGBTQIAA+ person deserves to be told they need to be put away, to be cured, to be allowed out in the open only if they’re deemed “acceptable” by society’s standards. And no mentally ill people deserve to either.

No trans person should be going through years of counseling to have the access to HRT.

And I shouldn’t have had to threaten my own mother’s life to avoid being locked in an adult psych ward at 14.

If you ever think, for one second, that these two things have nothing to do with one another, you are far removed from history.

To hear queer people say “yeah but some mentally ill people are dangerous !” feels like you don’t even know where you come from.

And if I want to say, that me being trans is linked to me being mentally ill, or at least, that both are connected in a way, all hell breaks fucking loose.

So I’ll explain very carefully.

See, when I was young, my mind got shattered into a thousand of pieces I had to try to glue back on. All these pieces of myself broke further more down the line because I couldn’t catch a fucking break. And now, it happens that the final puzzle does not have the same face it had before. It happens that its shape changed over time, for reasons over the control of all of us who tried to build ourselves back. Now there’s a bigger picture, less pieces, a few other shadows, and me. Built from the shatters. With my own needs and afflictions.

And whoever you are, whatever your agenda might be, I will not let anyone take any agency away from me under the false pretext that I can’t know anything for myself. They say that about children, they say that about minorities, about physically disabled people, about the people they want OUT. And my trans siblings, you know that.

I came out for the first time 7 years ago, to my then girlfriend, who was the one asking the question that is the first sentence of this text. I came out a second time 3 years ago. Been on HRT, had top surgery, had psychotic breaks, got my meds changed, switch therapist.

Because I am trans and crazy. And yet, all these choices I made, I made myself. It didn’t have to be that hard to get the basic care I needed. It didn’t need to be. But it WAS. And I’m part of the lucky crowd of people who had access to out-patient treatment, who never have been locked up in ward, who managed to stay alive through meds withdrawals without medical assistance when I had no therapist.

Be very careful of when you start to put conditions on the rights you think you deserve. Be very, very careful about your definition of sanity and of how it warps the way you see people. When you start to say “I have access to that, but there’s people like X or Y who shouldn’t BECAUSE”, pause and ask yourself what led you to think this way. More often than not, you’ll find yourself playing the same mind games as the ones you swore to fight against, and when it gives them the upper hand, they won’t hesitate to come for you after that.

[coffeejellou]

･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ.

Romance can also be disastrous - Chapter two

Pairing: Kusuo Saiki x fem! Reader

•Previous part•

If you are homophobic dni with my series or blog!!!

What to expect: Crack/Comedy, Fluff, angst?, SLIGHT NSFW, Yumehara having a crush on Y/n, Y/n getting jealous

Things to know: "Saiki speaking telepathically to people/one person"

"Saiki speaking w/ his mouth"

Everyone thinking

(Sometimes) Narrator speaking

In high school love is always in the air, which is something Saiki considers entirely pointless. You knew this, hence was one of the reasons why you had no intention of confessing your feelings to him.

You knew he wasn't into romance at all, so why bother him and cross his boundaries? It just wasn't worth risking your friendship over. Though there was a huge part of you that was shoved deep into your head.

That part was you that just wanted to tell him already, a part that had been bottled up for 5 years already.

You sighed heavily as you entered the classroom with a box of juice in your hand. You took a deep breath, in and out, clearing your head of any thoughts of Saiki, in case he would hear.

As you walked towards your desk, you saw one of your classmates, staring intently at Saiki. Chio Yumehara. She was blushing and had a lovesick smile on her face.

You have got to be kidding me...

Your jaw dropped slightly and your hand bawled up into a fist, breaking the box of juice you had, and making it spill everywhere.

"Crap..!" You whispered to yourself, luckily no one noticed, well except Saiki and Kaidou. "Hey, Y/n, what's wrong? You seem upset." You saw Kaidou offer his handkerchief to you and you smiled, taking it.

"Hey...I'm fine don't worry! I'm just a little tired.." You muttered as you began to clean up the mess on the floor. "I see, fighting all night were you?" You chuckled and nodded. "That's right, thanks for the handkerchief again! I'll make sure to wash it and bring it back tomorrow."

"Well if you ever need to talk, I'm here. Okay?" Your eyes widened slightly, it was rare to hear Kaidou speak without any chunibuyo. But it was always nice.

He walked off while waving goodbye and you headed to your desk, which was right behind Saiki's. You saw him thinking hard about something, and so was Yumehara.

You figured she was trying to probably get closer to Saiki, seeing as you took a peek at her notebook, which had a picture drawn of Saiki. That confirmed your suspicions, she did in fact, like Saiki.

You looked down at your desk before plopping your head down onto it and closing your eyes. You really didn't have enough energy to deal with this.

★

"Hey wake up. I need your help." You looked up to see Saiki, who was towering over you. "What..?" You asked with a groggy voice. Saiki rarely asked for help, ever. But you figured it was probably something important.

★

"What do I do again?" You asked Saiki. He had led you to a random hallway, without giving you any information. "Just walk over there and turn the corner."

You sighed and started to walk, Why does he even want me to do this? What's happening..? As you reached the corner you bumped into something or someone. "Ow..!" You fell to the ground and saw papers flying everywhere.

"Oof..!" You heard someone say, looked up only to see Yumehara, who was rubbing her head in pain. "Oh my gosh! Yumehara! Are you okay? I'm so sorry!" Yumehara gazed up at you and her face fell in disbelief.

Why does she look like she's disappointed...? You thought before handing her all the papers you had picked up. "Thank you..and don't worry about it, that was my fault.." She muttered before getting up and walking away.

Saiki suddenly appeared from nowhere, "Saiki..what the hell was that about?" You glared up at him, getting up and crossing your arms.

"You know already, don't you?" You scrunched up your face in confusion. "What do you mean?" But then it hit you and you could feel your face heat up. The moment in the classroom when you were jealous of someone else having a crush on Saiki.

"Pfft...that..I dunno what..I was just..-"

"C'mon, we don't have much time.." He took your arm and dragged you back into the classroom, leaving you completely dazed and still a red mess.

★

"Oh God..she's gonna hate me for this..! You owe me big time!" You huffed out to Saiki, "I'll get you whatever you want, alright? I'm sure she'll find someone else to like soon enough."

You groaned before you saw Yumehara enter the classroom. You quickly ran away from Saiki as she walked in front of him, dropping her handkerchief in the process.

"Oh my goodness, that's really bizarre-" Before she could finish you interrupted her. "Oh Yumehara! You dropped this, here you go!" You picked the pink handkerchief off the ground and handed it to her with a smile.

You saw her glare slightly but she was also trying to keep a smile, "T-T-Thanks..." She grumbled before taking it from your hands and walking off in a pout.

Then, it was your turn to glare, but at Saiki, who looked away. Leaving you muttering angrily to yourself.

I mean I can't lie..even if I'm kinda mad at him at least doing this will probably have her not like him anymore..which is..good.. I guess.

You thought before sitting down at your seat, though it seems you forgot yet again that a certain psychic was just a couple of feet in front of you...

★

Undeterred, Chio continued on her mission to engage Saiki, however, every one of her plans failed thanks to you, without anyone telling you to do so. Since Saiki only asked you one more time to fail her plans and the rest you accidentally did on your own.

★

It's raining hard.. good thing I brought my umbrella, or else I'd be soaked. You chuckled to yourself as you put your school shoes away back into your locker and grabbed your umbrella.

You walked out the front doors of the school, only to see Yumehara, standing there on her own. You didn't think twice before going up to her.

"Yumehara! What's wrong? Are you waiting for someone?" You asked, she turned around with a small, "Huh?" Before replying properly.

"O-Oh! N-No..I forgot my umbrella and I think I'm just going to wait for the rain to die down a bit before running to my house quickly.." She smiled sheepishly at you before frowning.

"Here." You handed her your umbrella and her eyes went wide for a second, but then turned into a mess. "W-What! No way! I could never do that to you! I'll be fine I sw-" You interrupted her by taking her hand and placing the umbrella in it.

You put your school bag over your head and ran into the rain before looking back and smiling at her. "Don't worry about it! A pretty girl like you shouldn't be running home in the rain!"

She saw you run off before she held her chest, her face was pink and she had a shocked look on her face.

No one has ever done this for me before...let alone someone as nice as her..and I've never felt like his before! Especially not towards any boys! Heck, even girls......I think I just found my soulmate!!!

Saiki's face dropped, in pure shock as he stood on top of the school. He was going to use his powers to make the rain stop, so Yumehara wouldn't try to share his umbrella with her. But you came along and made her fall in love with you instead.

He was not expecting that...

★

The rain stopped as you were running and you came to a halt, catching your breath as you did. "Dammit..I'm definitely going to get a cold tomorrow...!"

You then felt a warm hand on your shoulder and you were suddenly in your room. "W-What the..?!"

"Calm down, it's just me." A familiar voice said behind you. Stepping back, you looked to see the pink-haired boy himself. "First off, why were you following me, second of all, why did you telepor-" You interrupted yourself by sneezing loudly and sniffling, wiping boogers off your nose with your sleeve.

"That's why, you're going to get sick if you don't shower right now."

"Oh, who made you the boss of me, huh? I can shower when I wa-" Again you were interrupted but this time by Saiki teleporting you to your bathroom. "Good grief..stop your whining and just shower."

He closed the door behind him, leaving you in your bathroom. You groaned but listened anyway and started undressing.

Meanwhile, Saiki was in your living room, debating on telling you about Yumehara's feelings towards you. He feels it's important to tell you but then again, this was something Yumehara probably didn't want you to know.

In the end, he sighed and decided it was best if you didn't know, or to let Yumehara tell you herself...

You were in your room, petting your cat and scrolling mindlessly on your phone when it started to buzz. You saw Saiki calling you, it was a very rare occurrence when he did because you actually got to hear his voice and he couldn't read your thoughts most times.

You'd be lying if you said you didn't sit up immediately and start to fumble with your phone as if you were playing hot potato. Your heart was starting to beat faster and your hands were starting to sweat too.

But, a deep breath in and a deep breath out helped a little before you answered the phone, "H-Hey Saiki..whatcha need..?" You answered timidly.

"I know I've been asking you for a lot of favors but this will be the last one in a while.."

For a while you didn't respond, shocked to hear how much Saiki's voice changed over the years. The last time you heard him actually talk was in middle school. And then he decided it was best to just not talk with his voice at all, using telepathy to talk to everyone now.

You slipped out of your trance after your cat meowed to you, calling your attention back. "H-Huh? O-Oh um sure whatever you need I don't mind doing favors for you y'know? It doesn't bother me-"

"Well it bothers me, anyway look, Nendou asked me, well no, my mom forced me to go to the beach with him, and I don't want to stay with just him and Kaidou."

"Right, and you want me to come along with you? Sure, I don't have anything planned. But I'm kind of surprised, aren't I just another nuisance, as you'd put it?" There was teasing behind your tone, and you chuckled slightly.

But despite your laughing, you couldn't stop thinking about his damn voice. How deep it has gotten, it was so much different from what you usually hear.

Your mind was wandering off into more about his voice..the things he could get you to do with just a couple of little words out of his mouth. God..what would he sound like during s-

"You definitely are one but it'll be less annoying with you there to get me away from all the other nuisances."

"Fine, I'll go. It's not like it won't be fun. Let me just get ready and I'll meet you guys there, okay?"

"All right, also, stop thinking lewd things about my voice. Or else I'm never using it again."

With that, he hung up, and you were left dumbfounded. You thought he couldn't read your thoughts right now, but then again your houses weren't that far away from each other.

It was honestly more embarrassing that he caught you thinking things like that...You were too distracted in the conversation to stop yourself from thinking whatever you wanted.

You hid your face your hands in embarrassment, and wanted to just disappear. But the beach awaited you.

★

"Hey Saiki.." You muttered as you came up behind him. The look on your face said you didn't want to be here right now. And honestly so did your thoughts.

I can't even look at him.. I mean he probably doesn't care but I overstepped! He doesn't like nor care for any sort of love. Stupid thoughts! Ruining everything..I should've just faked sick..it would've been believable too since I ran in the rain yesterday..now I gotta deal with the embarrassment of th-

"Hey, L/n! Check out Kaidou, he can't swim! Can you believe it? C'mon tell L/n how afraid you are of the water!" Nendou said, laughing and teasing Kaidou.

You groaned slightly and sighed. You were still in your regular outfit, your swimsuit under. You were honestly a bit insecure about being so naked. It wasn't like your swimsuit showed much skin but the last time you went to the beach was when you were around 12.

"N-No..! That's not true! I know how to swim you jerk..! I-Im not afraid of the water..!!!" Kaidou walked up to the ocean and stepped slightly into the water, before you were suddenly behind him and pushed him in.

To your surprise, he was..kind of drowning? Not really, he sure did act like he was though. He was barely an inch into the water. But flailing his arms and legs around, screaming and yelling in a high-pitched voice.

"Drowning in inch-deep water isn't easy..." Saiki said to you, you turned to him before walking off. "I'm going to change, be right back.."

Saiki looked at your leave, and to be honest, he felt kind of bad, for invading your privacy during the phone call.

It's not like it bothered him you thought things like that, he knew you liked him and you guys were both in high school, hormones everywhere, so, he didn't care. Sure it was surprising when he heard you think things like that about him here and there, but as said before, it doesn't bother him. Mostly because you try to not think of those things about him, you feel extremely guilty about it and he knows that.

★

You looked at yourself in the mirror and felt like throwing up, but you decided to suck it up and go out anyway. What else were you going to do? Not go out?

You sighed heavily and walked out, wearing your bathing suit, making your way to where everyone else was, and it looked like Hairo had joined all of you.

Looking around you saw Nendou trying to talk to some girls, Kaidou was surrounded by girls, who were saying how cute he was and touching his spikey hair, and Hairo saved Kaidou after Nendou buried him in the sand.

As for Saiki, he was nowhere to be found. "Hey guys, where's Saiki?" You asked all three of them. "Dunno, I think he went to the bathroom or something," Nendou replied.

You nodded and sat on the towel he was on before. Everything was peaceful for a moment before you heard screaming from a girl, you looked over to see her drowning..?!

"Hey hold on a sec! That girl's drowning!" You yelled out and ran off to go save her. Nendou was already on his way, but you decided to go anyway, just in case.

"Kaidou, I'll go rescue her and you go get Hairo!" He yelled out, but Kaidou was next to him, swimming just fine. "oh so you can swim..!" He added but Kaidou didn't realize he was swimming until Nendou pointed it out, leaving him to stop and start to sink into the water.

Now Nendou was carrying Kaidou, while also swimming towards the girl. "Nendou! Don't worry about her I got it! Just take care of Shun..!" He nodded before you got to the girl, who was rapidly sinking. You grabbed her arm and put her on your back.

She was a lot lighter than you expected and as you quickly swam to shore you realized why. Kusuo! Of course..! I have to thank him for this later...

★

The sun set quickly and the girl was now well and alive, "Thank you for saving my life. I appreciate it, and hey, thank you too for trying, sorry I joked about how ugly your face is..." You smiled and Nendou nodded.

★

You smiled as you walked next to Saiki, along with Kaidou and Nendou. "I'm glad you didn't ask for her number in return for trying to save her life," Kaidou said to Nendou, you nodded in agreement.

"Hm, I try to be a gentleman, but if that hottie fell in love with me I'm not gonna try and turn her down" He smirked, you heard Kaidou whisper something and Nendou got all mad.

But you weren't really paying attention, your attention was more focused on the beautiful sunset that was in front of you.

"You aren't mad?" Saiki asked you, which caused your mind to lose its train of thought. Huh? What are you talking about?

"Nendou basically got all the credit for just trying to save her, but you actually did save her."

Oh, that. No, it doesn't bother me at all, she's safe and that's what matters, and thank you for helping too, without you, she would've died.

He nodded in return, "Oh right...by the way, I'm sorry for invading your space earlier, I can't help what I hear but I shouldn't have brought it up. I just want you to know, it doesn't bother me..so don't feel like you need to shove your thoughts deep into yourself..."

You stopped and he saw your eyes go wide and your face went red, you were muttering out nonsense that he couldn't understand.

Good grief..I should've just kept that to myself...

It was very rare for you not to walk with Saiki to school, but you had woken up way too late and by the time you did, you figured Saiki was already at school.

But as you ran past Saiki's house, you caught a glimpse of pink through the corner of your eye and immediately stopped.

"...Saiki..? Why are you-"

"Hurry up, we're already late enough." You blinked in surprise for a moment before nodding and walking along with him.

Luckily his house and the school were only about a 5-minute walking distance so it wouldn't take you guys long to get there.

As you walked quickly next to each other, you couldn't help but think why he would wait.. you've never woken up late for school, so you had never been in this situation before.

Never in a million years would you think that Saiki would wait to walk with you, even if you two were very close.

"I waited for you because my mom would be a pain if I didn't. Can you think a little quieter now?"

You jolted up a bit in surprise but sighed, "What's got your panties in a bunch?" Yes, Kusuo always did seem angry or annoyed but usually, he wasn't. Today it was different though, it looked like he was genuinely mad.

He didn't respond though and just continued to glare, not even sparing you a glance. "Fine, don't tell me. Just don't be rude to anyone else who cares about you."

He finally looked at you, with a bit of a shocked look. But you were already walking ahead, leaving him.

★

You walked into the classroom alone, as Saiki trailed behind. You sat down at your seat with a sigh, hoping to relax at least a little bit before class began.

But of course, that wasn't the case. You heard loud yelling coming from across the classroom, looking up, you saw it was a bunch of boys panicking while surrounding Teruhashi.

"You've got a crush on someone?!"

"Teruhashi is this a joke?"

"Is it one of us?"

Teruhashi looked extremely nervous, trying to calm all the boys down, (although she was failing miserably). "It's someone I ran into over vacation..."

You felt yourself tense up at that, now it was your turn to be annoyed. Every single time Teruhashi even mentioned liking Saiki you felt all your thoughts turn into jealousy.

You tried not to be because honestly, you were never really a jealous person. You felt there was no reason to be, it only caused problems after all.

But it was so hard trying not to be mad when goddam Teruhashi liked Saiki, the most perfect, pretty, loved, girl there was in the whole universe.

With Yumehara liking Saiki you were jealous, sure. But you didn't hate her, unlike the girl who was right across from you.

You saw her staring at Saiki and you stood up, about to leave to compose yourself, before Teruhashi started up again

"It was the sixth of August when I first fell in love with him.." She closed her eyes and smiled as she spoke, raising a finger.

Yeah, and I've been in love with him for years, try it and come tell me it's all rainbows and sunshine, Teruhashi.

"I remember seeing you that day too, and the guy you were talking with..was Nendou!!" Someone chimed in, you were confused for a second before realizing she probably spoke to him after you had left her.

"YOU ARE WAY OFF IDIOT!" She yelled out, causing the group of guys to jump in fear. It was a surprise to everyone, even to you.

But Saiki had told you what Teruhashi is really like, hence the reason he doesn't like her. So was it really a surprise she burst out like that?

She quickly got back to her persona and started acting all sweet again, lying and telling the guys it was some Russian exchange student.

You groaned slightly in frustration before walking out of the classroom. It was best for yourself if you got out of that room.

★

"Hey, Y/n!" You heard someone call out to you, you were standing in front of a vending machine that was located near your classroom, this is where you usually went when you needed a drink to calm you down.

"Oh Shun, what's up?" You smiled softly as he ran up to you. "Look, I know this is out of the blue, but will you come with us to spy on Nendou?"

"Huh? Spy on Nendou? Also, what do you mean by 'us'?" He pointed behind him and that's when you saw Saiki.

Your face fell in slight annoyance but you decided to keep talking to them instead of making up some lame excuse.

"Nendou's been acting weird today, don't you think? He'd usually be asking us to go eat ramen with him or do something after school. But he's been real quiet."

You thought for a moment before nodding in agreement, "Now that you mention it, yeah he has been acting strange..alright I'll go with you guys."

Kaidou smirked, before walking away. "Right after school you two! Don't forget!" You smiled before turning back to Saiki. Truth be told, you were trying to figure out if he was still mad. All of a sudden, you remembered something.

You took one of his hands, it startled him slightly but he didn't pull away. You revealed your other hand, which was behind your back, bawled into a fist, and handed him a handful of something.

You took your hands away from his and he stared down at what you gave him, a small bundle of mini coffee jellies, there were about 4 of them.

"Here, take these and stop pouting. If you ever want to talk, I'm here." You mumbled out, he could see the faint blush on your cheeks and he could definitely hear your loud thoughts.

Which consisted of rambling and screaming, he wished he could turn off his telepathy at that moment. But then again, when doesn't he want that?

"Thanks..I really do owe you." Saiki still had to repay the favor you did for ruining Yumehara's plans, going with him to the beach, and now this.

He absolutely hated being in debt to someone, it didn't matter who, he hated it. And you knew this, so you always tried to reassure him. "Don't worry about it, it's no big deal to me. And if you really want to repay me that badly, I'll come up with something. But only if you really want me to."

"Yeah, please do. It's going to bother me, even more than Nendou does. Speaking of, we should probably head back to class."

You nodded in agreement before slightly smirking at him."What now?"

"Nothing. Just thinking about how much of a softie you are."

★

"His house isn't this way....he's got something going on.." Kaidou whispered to you and Saiki, as you all hid behind a wall.

As planned earlier, you were all trailing Nendou. Kaidou was in some weird disguise, on the other hand, you were in your regular school uniform, and so was Saiki.

"Why are you so excited by this?" Saiki asked him, but instead of responding he struck a weird pose.

"And what's with the outfit? It serves no purpose other than sticking out." You added, though usually you weren't one to judge Kaidou's actions, the disguise seemed a bit much.

"Shut up you two! Hey wait...what's he looking at?" You looked to see him smiling at a little girl with her dad. His smile was awful, scary in fact. He looked like a weirdo.

"Creepy!"

You all said. "I don't think that thinking the same thing is good.." You mumbled, Saiki nodded.

"Nendou has a thing for little girls?!" Kaidou asked you both, his face looked creeped out and worried. "Doesn't look good...we should probably call the police.."

"Hey, check it out, he's going into a store." You pointed at him, it was strange so it interested all of you.

Nendou went in and very quickly came back with a bouquet of sunflowers.

"Looks like a flower boutique, don't tell me he's got a girl-" Kaidou was interrupted by you and Saiki.

"No not Nendou.."

"Definitely not..."

Nendou started to walk off, all of you following him as he did. He stopped and smiled at another little girl, who was smiling with her father.

"Another one?!"

"That's just gross.." Kaidou muttered under his breath, honestly you didn't want to believe this situation. It's just not like Nendou.

"We'll confirm it after we call the police."

"Hey hold on, I feel like we need more proof, I mean c'mon, lots of people like sunflowers, and it's natural to smile when you see a cute little kid right?" You argued, it really didn't seem like Nendou to be a creep.

Kaidou thought for a moment before agreeing, "Y/n's right, all that is perfectly normal, we can't just stop there without any more evidence!"

"Good point, let's not be rash.."

★

After following him for a little while longer he went into another shop, "Where's he headed no-"

Kaidou suddenly interrupted you as he looked up at the sign of the store, a cake shop.

"CAKES..?! WOMEN AND CHILDREN CAN'T RESIST SWEET TREATS! SO WHEN YOU COMBINE A WOMAN AND A CHILD YOU GET A LITTLE GIRL!!" He yelled out, pointing to the store and looking back at both you and Saiki.

"Now you're jumping to conclusions.." Saiki said trying to stop Kaidou. But it didn't work, he kept going on and on.

"Kaidou-"

"HAVE YOU EVER SEEN NENDOU EAT THAT? OR LIKE FLOWERS! IT WAS ALL MEANT TO BE GIVEN TO SOMEONE BUT HE HAS NO GIRLFRIEND TO GIVE THEM TO!!!"

Jesus, make him stop Saiki..

"If I could, I would've already. Trust me"

You sighed in frustration, all this kind of seemed pointless now that you were actually thinking about it. Sure, it was a little creepy, but you were sure there was a reasonable explanation.

Kaidou went on about how Nendou was using the cake and flowers as bait to try and get little girls, but the more he talked the more it sounded like an unreasonable theory.

Nendou came out of the cake shop, holding a small pink box.

"Bummer..they were all out of shortcake..oh well. It's not like anyone will ever eat this.." You all heard him say, he smirked and chuckled as if he was some cartoon villain. It creeped all of you out and made Kaidou freak out even more.

"If it's not for eating it must be bait!" He yelled out and ran off to Nendou. "NENDOU!!!" Nendou turned around in confusion, all he saw was Kaidou running to him at full speed. Everyone was staring.

"YOU'RE SECRETS OUT!! HOW DARE YOU HURT LITTLE KIDS??!!! YOU MONSTER!!" He started punching him, but it sounded like little squeaky balls were hitting Nendou instead. It was no secret that Kaidou wasn't strong but this was surprising to you and Saiki.

"Is that what his punches sound like?"

"Wait..what secret? Do you mean my dad?" Kaidou stopped and you facepalmed. It went quiet for a while, all of you in a bit of shock, Saiki and you weren't as shocked as Kaidou though.

★

"He's dead?" Kaidou asked as all of you stood in front of Nendou's dad's grave. By now the sun had set and there was no one around.

"I visit him on the anniversary of his bus accident," Nendou explained, you looked down at the grave again, and then back at everyone else.

I knew it wasn't something bad. Nendou is genuinely a nice guy, he wouldn't do anything creepy. He definitely needs to work on his smile though...

"But the flowers and the cake?" Kaidou mumbled out, it was clear he was kind of sad that all his sneaking around was really for nothing.

"Respectful offerings to the dead! It's normal to bring cakes and flowers to a family grave!" Nendou held up the box of cake and smiled.

"To think Nendou's lecturing us on normal.." You heard Saiki's voice but he quickly turned it off once he realized he was still talking to you telepathically.

What's the harm in showing what you're thinking? That's not fair y'know?. You know every little thing I think but when it comes to your thoughts I can't know even a little.

"Yes because they're my thoughts, also how many times do I have to tell you I can't turn off these powers.."

You pouted slightly but sighed and let it go. He was right after all. Like always.

"When did your dad die, Nendou?" Kaidou asked, snapping you out of your thoughts.

"Well, it was before I was born. He died trying to save a little girl who'd run in front of a bus..huh maybe that means he was into little girls.." You cringed at the last part, and so did everyone else.

"Uh..hope not.." Kaidou said, chuckling awkwardly. "That's a dark joke.."

"So if he died before you were born, he must've been pretty young.."

"He was only 18 or 19 years old, here look! I got his picture!"

"Hey, this is just a picture of you!"

"Nah it's him! My mom says I look more like him each year! Weird..!"

"You don't look like him you're, the same!"

Kaidou and Nendou talked and argued a little back and forth. Saiki stayed quiet but you chuckled a little as you heard their bickering.

They really do look alike, it's kinda scary that they look almost like twins. But Nendou has a scar over his left eye, and his dad has over his right. That's a scary thought on its own since they can only be told apart because of one thing. Right, Saiki?

You looked over and saw him up at Nendou's dad's grave, he looked mortified, extremely mortified for that matter. "Hey guys, wanna go get some ramen!?" Nendou called out to you two as he and Kaidou were already walking off.

"Saiki..? What are you looking at?" You asked in a bit of a shaky voice, you weren't scared, you were worried. Seeing Saiki shocked or scared was something you never saw. Ever.

★

Walking with Saiki alone almost always consisted of awkward silence. But it was different today, Saiki was thinking, and hard. It was obvious, he had his hand on his chin and everything. You'd laugh if you weren't so spooked.

"So are you gonna tell me what you saw..?" As he was about to answer, you reached his house and he saw a piece of mail sticking out.

"Mail?" He took the envelope and it was addressed to him. "What is it?" You peeked over his shoulder and your eyes widened as you read the letter.

"To Mr. Kusuo Saiki, I am someone who knows you're a psychic."

"......."

"What...."

Next part -> Romance can also be disastrous - Chapter 3 •Coming soon..•

Summary: You and Saiki figure out who sent the letter, and it appears it's some kind of psychic who can see ghosts? You're happy to meet another psychic but Saiki is the opposite. Maybe he's thinking something weird? Who knows. Later, Saiki discovers a cockroach in his house and freaks out, but luckily you come over to save the day..with your cat! But that's not all, Yumehara apparently got a boyfriend to try and get over you, and for some reason, Saiki helps..could he be jealous?

A/N: OH MY GOSH I'M SO SORRY THIS TOOK OUT LONGER THAN I SAID IT WOULD, LIFE THREW A BUNCH OF CURVE BALLS MY WAY AS SOON AS I PUBLISHED THE FIRST CHAPTER. SO SORRY AGAIN FOR THE DELAY, BUT I HOPE YOU LIKED THIS CHAPTER! THANK YOU ALL FOR THE SUPPORT😭💗

[xxchumanixx]

Thought Contagion

Bucky Barnes x reader

Summary: After a one night stand he ghosted you. When forced to talk, the lines slowly start to blur. Warnings/Tags: hurt, angst, fluff in the end, mentions of a one night stand, reader has the ability to communicate via thoughts and move objects Word count: 4.397 Authors note: I just love him. Do I need to say more? It's 4 am, and I'm dead. So this might make no sense at all, but hey I somehow managed to write this delusional on tiredness.

Dr. Raynor's office

The clock on the wall ticked steadily, almost matching your heartbeat.

"Did you dream of him again?" she wanted to know, eyes closely watching you.

"No, I haven't dreamt of him in a long time now... but he contacted me." you gave back, fingers interlocked, fumbling with each other.

"Did he call you? Text?"

"No, he contacted me through my thoughts."

"That he can do?"

"When the will is there, yes."

"There has to be a deep connection between you for him to do that."

"No... not anymore."

"So there was a connection."

"Was. It doesn't exist anymore."

"What happened between you two?"

"We slept with each other. And after he left without me noticing, I never heard of him again."

She nodded to herself, carefully considering what you told her.

"Do you have feelings for him?"

"I've had feelings for him for almost ten years now."

You knew it wasn't right, not like this. When you first saw him, it was at the museum, Steve telling you everything about him. How brave he was, courageous and caring. How he looked after Steve, when no one else was left.

You developed feelings for someone who didn't even exist anymore, at least that was what everyone thought.

Who would have known, that he was still alive, breathing and killing.

"Do you know him this long?" she asked, head tilted.

"No. I met him, after Steve brought him back. I was there, when they brought him to Wakanda and I visited him during his rehabilitation. Then, when Thanos blib'd us, he was gone. And after he returned a few months ago, it just happened. I don't know if it was frustration, after Steve left us, or what else it was, but we lost control for a moment."

"Control over what? Your feelings?"

"He doesn't have any feelings for me."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Why do you think he ghosted me?" you chuckled dryly, brows furrowed as you looked at her like she was an alien.

You had to bite your lip not to snarl at her, send biting words her way. She was only trying to help you, had been for a few months now.

But sometimes, she didn't seem to understand you.

"Maybe because he was scared? Didn't know how to handle his feelings?" she suggested, cocking a brow.

"No, James Barnes doesn't have such feelings - only sadness and anger." you told her, the bitter feeling of guilt stinging on your tongue.

"Was it these feelings, that led to him sleeping with you? His anger, his sadness?"

"A moment of weakness, nothing more."

She wrote something into her notebook, before she tapped her pen on the paper. "What did he want?"

"He wanted me to help him."

You flinched, when suddenly a sharp pain tore through your head.

What the hell?

"Y/N?"

You believed you heard a voice, one that sounded painfully familiar.

"Y/N?" There it was again, and you sighed shakily, feelings starting to mix in a dangerous cocktail. "James?" you answered in a thought, eyes closing, as you tried not to betray your feelings with a quiver of your voice.

It must have taken him a lot to contact you through your thoughts.

You were a telepath, able to communicate via thoughts, as well as moving objects through the air. But it took a lot of willpower, to contact you through your thoughts, especially when it was over such a great distance.

And by someone like James Buchanan Barnes.

"Oh thank god." you heard him mumble, as your belly churned.

After you've spent the night together and he left, you hadn't heard from him. Why would he contact you like that of all ways? Why contact you at all?

"What do you want?" you returned coldly, teeth gritted, as you sat up in bed. You were just about to sleep, already tucked under your covers, when he contacted you.

The anger bubbling up in your stomach made it hard for you to concentrate, but the curiosity was the slightest bit stronger.

"I need your help."

Eyes widening, you fumed. Hands clenched into fists, the books in the bookcase started to rattle, trinkets threatening to tumble over.

Oh, the nerve he had - he had to be fucking kidding you.

"You need my help?" you seethed, not able to contain the angry chuckle that escaped your lips. "You have to be kidding me."

It was silent for a few moments and you started to think he might have cut the connection, when you heard him sigh.

"I-" he started, but was cut off by another voice. "What are you doing?" you heard the voice ask - Sam. "Are you praying or something?"

You could basically hear Bucky's eyes roll in their sockets, as he sighed angrily. "No, I'm not." he retorted, scoffing. "I'm-" he cut himself off this time, most likely rubbing the stubble on his chin. "I'm talking to Y/N."

It was silent for another moment, before you heard Sam again. "How? Where's your phone? Or are you communicating through prayers?"

Rolling your eyes, you shook your head.

"Forgot that she can communicate via thought?" Bucky gave back, sounding fed up. "That's possible?" Sam sounded surprised. "Over this distance? What do you want from her anyways? Thought you guys aren't talking."

Cocking a brow you huffed, and you heard Bucky stutter incoherently, eventually finding his words. "No- I-I mean, yes. We need her help if we want to find them!"

"Find whom?" you wanted to know, scrambling for the laptop that was under your bed, flipping it open, despite your better judgement. "What happened anyways?" Sam questioned, his curiosity getting the best of him.

Since when were they teaming up?

"Did you hear about the group 'Flagsmashers'?" Bucky asked, focusing back on you. "Of course, do you think I live under a rock?" you scoffed in return.

He rolled his eyes, you swear he did.

"Well, they plan something big and we can't find them." he explained, ignoring Sam who was still demanding an answer. "We need satellite pictures or video or whatever. Sharon can't hack into them."

"Sharon?" you retorted, huffing. You hadn't seen her since she had to flee, now knowing why. She must have holed up wherever Sam and Bucky where. "What makes you think I have access to satellites wherever you are?"

He hesitated, as you grew impatient.

"And what exactly makes you think I'd help you?"

He must have been very desperate if he contacted you of all people.

"After all I thought we weren't talking?"

He was frustrated, you could tell. You could feel it seeping into your bones.

"They are killing dozens of innocent people!" he explained, anger and frustration filtering through his voice. "Could you please help us? I wouldn't ask if I had another option."

I wouldn't ask you of all people.

"Already on it." you mumbled, as you were already typing on your laptop, telling yourself you were doing this for the innocent people he mentioned, ignoring your aching heart.

The group he was talking about was all over the news lately, gathering more followers each day. They were a threat, and no matter how much you despised talking to Bucky, you knew you had to help them.

Going through the various pictures, you scanned them for the group. "Found 'em." you announced, zooming in on a picture.

"I'll send Sam the location."

Bucky made a noise like he wanted to protest, say something like 'Why not sent it to me?', but he must have remembered that you weren't talking.

"Thank you." you heard him mutter, before he abruptly cut the connection, leaving you wide awake.

Closing your eyes you tried to hold back the tears. It was pointless crying over him, you did for a while now.

It never changed anything for you.

But, as Bucky was forming a plan with Sam, he could hear it clear as day - the single sob that managed to spill, leaving him wondering if he really heard it, or if he just imagined it.

"Did you help him?" Dr. Raynor asked, brows furrowed. She as well had heard about the group of terrorists, and she had talked to Sam and Bucky not long ago.

"I had to." you retorted, huffing.

"Why? Because he asked you to?"

"Because it was the right thing to do."

"Because of this group they are trying to stop?"

"Yes."

She nodded to herself, biting her cheek.

"How do you feel about John Walker being the new Captain America?"

Your eyes snapped to hers, hands stopping their trembling. "Don't call him that."

"Why not? Doesn't he fit your expectations?"

You chuckled dryly, smirking at her. "My expectations?" you wanted to know, leaning forward with a cocked brow. "Steven Grant Rogers was my best friend. He was my anchor, and when he left, living a life in the past with Peggy Carter, he fulfilled his greatest wish. Do I hate him for leaving me behind? Yes, I do. But I support him and his decision nonetheless. He gave the shield to Sam, who gave it away. Who am I to have expectations, when my biggest hope of someone worthy stepping into these massive footprints has been so utterly disappointed?"

Her forehead creased in thought, tapping the pen on the notebook again. The sound was so familiar already, that you had started to ignore it a long time ago.

"John Walker is said to be a good man. Don't you think he will make a good replacement for Captain America?"

"He can be good all he wants, wear the medals he obtained with pride - but he'll never be like us. The Avengers, people that gave everything for others, never once thinking about ourselves. Did we get any medals when we stopped Thanos? When Tony undid the blib, sacrificing himself? No. My best friend - my sister - died, forcing my dad to forever feel guilty for not dying in her place. Can she be replaced? No. Just as Steve can't be replaced. But Sam was the best option to be the next Cap."

"You're dad?"

"Clint. He took me under his wing almost fifteen years ago. He's the dad I never had."

She nodded, scribbling something down again.

"Will you talk to him again?"

Your brows furrowed, remembering the conversation you had with your dad only this morning.

"James."

Sighing, you leaned back against the cushions again, crossing your arms over your chest.

"No."

"Why not?"

"Why not?" you repeated her words, anger bubbling up yet again, as your eyes widened in disbelieve. "James Buchanan Barnes ghosted me after we had sex, only contacting me to get my help. After that, he ghosted me again. And you're asking why not?"

She heaved a sigh, glancing at her watch only to see that she had another thirty minutes with you.

It wasn't that she didn't like you, but you reminded her of Bucky in your stubborn and deflective ways.

"Maybe you should." she spoke, tilting her head. "Talk to him, demand answers as to why exactly he ghosted you."

Scoffing, you stood, feeling the sudden urge to leave, get the hell out of there.

"Sit." she demanded sharply, the tapping of her pen coming to a halt.

Groaning, you did.

"Why don't you help them in trying to stop this group of terrorists for starters?" she suggested, leaning forwards on her elbows, that were resting on her thighs. "And maybe you can talk to him afterwards."

You laughed at her suggestion, declaring her insane.

But you couldn't deny the aching in your heart at the prospect.

You yearned for his touch, his scent, his voice. The way his fingertips ghosted over your skin, lips brushing over the shell of your ear as he whispered sweet nothings into it, hips connecting with yours over and over again.

Dr. Raynor smirked, like she was able to read your thoughts. She wasn't, though she still seemed to know exactly what you were thinking.

Cheeks reddening, you cleared your throat, deciding that you were in need of another topic.

"How was your weekend?"

____

You hated this.

Why exactly did she manage to convince you to follow them, again?

You were late, seeing as the whole scene was crowded, the Flagsmashers already captured, their leader dead. She was a young girl, barely old enough to drink legally.

You were standing at the rear of the ambulance, watching Sam and Bucky who were stood at the front, backs turned towards you. They didn't know you were there yet, talking to each other.

Your heart was thundering in your chest, and you were scared Bucky could hear it with his super soldier hearing.

You were contemplating if you should turn around and hurry the fuck out of there, but it was too late, when they turned instead, heading towards you.

They hadn't seen you yet, but when Sam looked up, his steps faltered, causing Bucky to look your way as well. He stopped dead in his tracks, jaw slack, before it clenched.

Sam hesitantly closed the distance, whilst Bucky was glued to the spot.

"Hey." he voiced, glancing back at the frozen super soldier. "I'll leave you to talk."

"What if I don't want to?"

"You should."

He patted you on the shoulder, before he left for someone that called out to him.

Your hands trembled, your whole body trembled, as you both stared at each other. Neither of you knew what to say, neither wanting to be the first to speak.

"Should have expected you to turn up here." he muttered, and you scoffed. "Believe me, I'm not here because I wanted to be." you retorted as equally cold, shoving your hands into the pockets of your jacket.

He cocked a brow, mimicking the movement, his arm reflecting the light. "Why are you here then?" he wanted to know, fighting the urge to lean against the ambulance.

He didn't want to come over as relaxed, because he definitely wasn't with you standing in front of him.

Not anymore.

He hadn't expected you to show up, he had hoped you wouldn't.

"I wanted to see if you need more help with the Flagsmashers." you explained, looking past him. "You already helped enough with the location." he returned, unwavering.

Nodding, you bit your lip, looking away.

He was shoving you away, again.

"Well, then I suppose I will go." you spoke, swallowing. "Should have expected not to be welcomed."

You didn't mean to say it out loud, really. It just slipped through somehow.

His brows furrowed, eyes narrowing. "Welcomed?" he asked, taking a step closer as his head tilted. "No one invited you. You didn't need to come."

Huffing, you nodded again.

"Well, and no one invited you." you retorted sharply, looking back up at him. "Yet you came as well, before you left without a word."

His jaw clenched, teeth gritted.

"But hey, lets not talk about it, its not worth mentioning anyways."

You wanted to scratch his ego, your own lying broken in a corner. It worked, as he took another step closer, head tilted. Lowering his voice, he spoke exactly what you were expecting him to.

"Didn't sound not 'worth mentioning' it, considering the way you cried my name out for everyone in the building to hear."

You shivered involuntarily, trying not to let him see, though.

He wasn't wrong, but you wouldn't have him know that.

"Really? Maybe I'm just a good actress."

He scoffed, chuckling dryly.

"Just as good as you're at sneaking out."

He fumed at your words, face hardening. His arm whirred quietly, so hard he must have been clenching his hands into fists.

You stared each other down, as your heart silently begged for you to stop. But you were caught in the moment, caught in your anger and hurt.

When neither of you said anything for a good minute, you shook your head and turned around, starting to walk away.

You should have known he wouldn't talk to you.

"Do you think it was easy?" he shouted after you, causing you to halt in your movement.

"Do you think it was easy? After everything that happened, being turned to dust, returning, only for Steve to leave me behind?"

You turned back around, scoffing. "He didn't leave only you." you reminded him, voice harsh. "He left Sam and I as well. He left us all behind, staying in the past to spend his life with Peggy - the only wish he ever had. He was selfish, yes, but he knew we'd manage."

He shook his head, biting his cheek.

"I failed him."

You couldn't help but laugh, frustration growing thicker. "Why do you think so?"

His eyes were glued to the floor, before he looked back up at you.

"I tried, but I didn't manage." he explained, taking a step closer, partly closing the distance you had created. "I spiraled downwards, losing control. I-" he cut himself off, eyes flitting to the sky above you, as he licked his lips, before he looked back at you.

"I lost the little ounce of control I had left when I let you in." he continued, shaking his head, as he bit down on his cheek, the sting momentarily distracting him from his raging heart. "When we- when we spent that night together, I panicked. I hadn't done something like that since the forties, and I didn't want to drag you down into the hole I was falling into."

You had to swallow, eyes stinging, even though you did your best to ignore it.

"And what about me?" you wanted to know, clearing your throat, as your voice quivered. "What about the hole I was falling into?"

His jaw ticked, and he swallowed.

When he didn't answer, you continued.

"You left me behind, in the moment I was the most vulnerable. I needed you, and you left - as well."

He shook his head, hand brushing through his hair. "You don't need me."

"I shouldn't need you." you corrected him, shaking your head with a frown, as you took a step closer. "When Steve first told me about you, showing me your picture at the museum I knew I was done for. Hell, when you stood in front of me, breathing and not dead, like you were believed to be, I thought I was dreaming. I envied Steve, because he made you sound like the best person on earth."

He scoffed, but didn't interrupt you further, eyes downcast.

"I wanted to get to know you, wanted to see if Steve was right." you continued, fighting a smile, losing. "He was, and when we spent more time together, I started to see what he saw. And then you turned into dust. The whole world tilted, for five years. You were gone, Sam, my dad and my whole family suddenly vanished. And when you returned I was so happy - only for you to leave me again. I know it probably didn't mean anything to you, but for me it did."

You breathed in shakily, stopping your own rambling, heart hammering in your chest, threatening to break through.

"You're wrong." he muttered, swallowing, as he locked eyes with you. "It did mean something to me - it meant the whole world to me. You didn't judge me, no matter what I did. You made me forget. You where there the whole time, accompanying me the whole way. But when Steve-" he choked on his breath, shaking his head with tears glistening in his eyes.

"I lost it. And I couldn't risk bringing you in harms way - my way. I didn't want to hurt you."

Sniffing, you bit on your cheek, almost drawing blood.

"But you did." you whispered, tears making your eyes burn, blurring your sight. "You did, when you pushed me away. You where the only constant I had left, and you pushed me away."

He nodded, sniffing as well. "I know, doll." he spoke, biting his lip. "I know."

Even though you felt a weight lift from your shoulders, it didn't feel as relieving as it should have. A tear fell, but you didn't brush it away.

You fell silent, lost in thought.

Somehow, you just confessed your feelings to him, stripped them bare for him to see. Leaving you even more vulnerable.

Your fingers tapped on your thigh in a nervous habit, wishing you could read Bucky's mind. Even though you were able to communicate via thought, you weren't actually able to read other peoples thoughts.

"Will you forgive me?" he suddenly rasped out, eyes staying a second longer on the ground, before they found yours, hope glistening in them. He sounded so broken, so vulnerable, like you never heard him before.

"Please, Y/N."

You swallowed at the nerves bubbling up, slowly starting to nod. "Yes, Bucky." you breathed out, sniffing. "Yes, I forgive you."

How were you supposed to stay angry at him, after what he just told you? After everything that had happened?

He breathed a sigh of relief, nodding to himself, as his eyes closed for a moment.

A tear slipped past his eyelashes, and he bit his lip. You had only seen him cry once, causing you to inhale shakily at the memory.

He wiped at the salty liquid, before his eyes opened again, his feet taking him closer to you, until he was as close as he was the last time you had seen him in person.

You could smell his familiar cologne, feel the heat his body radiated.

His flesh fingers hesitantly moved, brushing a few stray strands of hair out of your face, softly cupping your cheek. The action made you shiver, goosebumps covering your arms, as you leaned into his warm touch the slightest bit, eyes locked onto his blue ones.

"I'm so sorry, doll." he rasped out, eyes fighting to stay on yours. "I did what I thought was best for you, but I know now, that I was wrong. I'm having nightmares again, but I'm working on it. I'm working on everything, trying to get a bit of the old me back to life - the one Steve had told you all these stories about."

You knew about his nightmares, even though they were different now, thanks to the Dora Milaje who had managed to free him of the Winter Soldier state.

He didn't turn into him anymore, not for the briefest of moments. Something he would forever be grateful for.

"I'm an idiot." he mumbled, eyes leaving yours, his hand leaving your face, falling back at his side with his head downcast. "I never should have left - never should have let this happen. I should have listened to Dr. Raynor."

You cocked a brow at his words, head tilting to somehow meet his gaze. "What do you mean?"

He sighed heavily, swallowing, as his nerves got the best of him. "I mean that I should have talked to you, instead of just leaving you behind." he explained, tongue brushing over his lip, hesitating. "Should have told you how I feel."

You inhaled sharply, hands starting their nervous trembling at your sides again.

"What do you feel?" you managed to breathe out, and his eyes met yours again, the intensity of his gaze stealing your breath.

His lips parted, only for his tongue to wet them again. He searched for the right words, soon giving up and opting for the simpler option instead.

"I love you, Y/N."

Your breathing hitched, heart stumbling, before it doubled its speed.

"You're pure, soft and so lovingly." he continued, hands cupping your face. There the words were. "You never once judged me, not even in my darkest hours. You're the thing that kept me going, made me push through to get rid of the Winter Soldier. I wanted to be better - for you. But I fucked up, so badly. I fell into an old habit, pushing you away so you wouldn't get hurt, but instead I did exactly that: hurting you. And I'm a fucking coward for pushing you away, and not pulling you closer instead, now that I'm actually able to."

Words had left you, only tears managed to spill. He brushed them away with his thumbs, one cold and one warm, yet they were both so soft.

His eyes closed, forehead brushing yours. Your eyes fluttered closed as well, breathing him in.

"Working with Sam on this distracted me enough to forget it for a moment." he spoke quietly, leaving you to wonder how exactly that had happened. "But I was selfish when I contacted you, asking for help. I wanted to hear your voice, even if you would have just shouted at me, telling me to never talk to you again."

You bit your lip, more tears falling.

"I would have never." you told him, eyes squinting, even though they were already closed. "I love you too much."

His body moved abruptly, a sob breaking through his lips. It was one of relief and deep shame.

He nodded, his forehead leaving yours to press kisses to your face. Your cheeks, your forehead, your nose, until he finally met your lips with his own.

You tasted the salty remnants of your combined tears on your lips, but neither of you cared. Hands wrapping around his neck, brushing through his hair, you tugged him closer.

Something wet hit your cheek, but you couldn't tell if it were your tears, or his.

His hands on your cheeks tilted your head back, deepening the kiss. His tongue brushed yours, an action so soft it left you yearning for more.

When his lips left yours, you sighed, eyes slowly opening to meet his blue ones. His lips were kiss swollen, but so were yours.

"He took the shield." Bucky breathed out with shining eyes, fingers dancing through your hair. Nodding, you couldn't help but smile. "I know. Finally."

He chuckled quietly, before his lips connected with yours again.

"Now that this mission is complete, I'm all yours." he promised, forehead meeting yours again. "I won't ever do the mistake of pushing you away again, I promise."

You smiled, feeling the tears return, happy ones this time.

"I'm yours." he repeated, lips meeting your cheek. "I'm yours."

"I know." you returned, eyes fluttering closed.

"And I'm yours."

[half-an-hour-hence]

Even more random X-Men headcanons:

- Jean finds painting to be a therapeutic escape from her telepathic abilities. She primarily works with oils, creating abstract pieces that reflect her inner emotions, or extraordinary landscapes that capture the beauty of the area surrounding the mansion. A few of her works decorate her and Scott’s shared bedroom.

- Pietro can speed-read entire books in seconds.

- Jubilee secretly runs a movie review blog under a pseudonym. It’s surprisingly popular among teenage film buffs, and she’s built a small but dedicated following.

- Magneto has a severe distaste for mirrors.

- Ororo is an early riser, and dawn is her favourite time of day. She often goes on morning strolls around the grounds - sometimes alone, sometimes accompanied by Jean, Logan, or Rogue. She finds it helps her to relax and mentally prepare herself for the day ahead.

- Scott and Rogue are both very good mechanics, and they work together to fix the X-Men’s vehicles frequently.

- Morph has a fear of isolation, and hates to be alone. When they’re not busy helping to save the world, they often walk around the mansion, trying to seek out someone to talk to.

- Kurt loves to tell/hear dad jokes. It’s guaranteed that he’ll laugh at them every single time.

- Remy doesn’t like horror films. He gets really panicked about what’s going to happen. And when there’s a jump scare, he’ll jump right out of his seat and exclaim a string of curses in French. Ironically, though, he loves Halloween.

- Logan is a very light sleeper, and thanks to his enhanced hearing, he’ll wake up at the slightest sound. Hank made him a special pair of noise cancelling earplugs - that actually work properly - but he keeps forgetting to put them in at night.

Let me know if I should do more random headcanons or more specific ones!

[princessbrunette]

omg omg omg so I think once rafe and princess have been together a while and he’s basically taken on a paternal role in her life (which his ego loves), calling him dad/daddy would almost become second nature to them. like it’s weirdly comforting for the both of you. You like calling him that because he guides you and takes care of you!! He likes being called that because youre his girl!! and he protects you!! But it’s like so second nature you don’t even realize you’re saying it sometimes and one time you accidentally called rafe dad in front of ward 😳🩷 I don’t even think rafe would be embarrassed like he’d just shrug like “yeah, baby? you need dad to help you with something?”

୭ 🤍 ✧ ˚. 🥛

ward wouldn’t believe it, or maybe he chooses not to believe that’s an actual thing that goes on between the two of you simply for his peace of mind.

the three of you are in the kitchen, rafe reading over a bunch of papers his dad was making him look over spread across the kitchen island, you were shuffling about making a snack, and ward was sat with a cup of coffee, scrolling through his phone and occasionally overseeing rafe.

you go to place something back in the fridge and back into rafe by accident, only slightly jostling him.

“oo— sorry dad.” you speak softly and he only glances at you briefly, muttering words that he read to himself.

“you’re good, baby.” he mumbles, distracted. ward however was staring, a polite and yet disturbed smile gracing his features. the habit was so ingrained in you, that neither of you had realised that you’d called rafe ‘dad’ infront of his actual father.

“sweetheart, did you just call rafe dad?” he asks gently, almost cautiously like he didn’t want to embarrass you if this truly was a thing, despite the horror of that reality only being thinly veiled by his expression. you turn around from the fridge, blinking a couple of times as the reality sets in. oh my god, you did.

“oh— it… was just a slip up. was talking to my dad earlier so it was just… in my head.” you stumble quietly, like you know you’ve been caught. rafe lifts his head as he turns back into the conversation, lips parted distractedly as he glances between the two of you.

“do you mind not interrogating my girlfriend? tryna do some work here.” he blinks irritably at his father for even bringing it up and you avert your eyes to the ground, humiliated.

“was just a question, son.” ward calmly gazed at rafe now, the attention off you. rafe stares back, and there seems to be a mutual understanding— a telepathic message being told to ‘mind your own business’.

“‘can call me what she wants.” rafe gets the final say before leaning on his elbows once more, turning his attention casually back to the paperwork. you can’t take the tension, and leave.

୭ 🤍 ✧ ˚. 🥛

[messy-gemini1]

Imagine dating both Alucard and abridged Alucard

imagine it's just a normal day for the Hellsing Manor. You're doing your normal routine cleaning up the integra's off while She sits at her desk and does her paperwork.

Until Seras barges in, holding Two Alucard's. Your eyes widen and the broom falls from your hands. One had a huge grin on his face, while the other stands there with an irritated look.

"what. the. fuck" is all you can say. The one with the grin seems to smile more you. "ah! now who is this ravishing, little slut" He says, you knew right away he was not your Alucard. He's voice was slightly different and his language that of an immature teenager who just figured out he could curse.

Your Alucard, who seemed to not like the idea of his imposter calling you names, immediately pulls his pistols out. Tone harsh and cold "what did you call my Darling?" He growls. Seras quickly tries to defuse the situation while You and Integra stand there with shocked faces.

______

It took some time to get used to having two Alucard's. apparently, the imposter who you named Card, lost his Y/n before they could have a relationship. That made you slightly sympathetic for him. Alucard did NOT like having another him around, especially someone who was so foul mouthed to you. He slowly grew accustom to it.

Especially when it made you so happy to have two vampires swoon over you and pamper you with kisses early in the morning.

Not to mention the bedroom ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Alucard is soft and gentle, whereas card is brash and rough. You have the best of both worlds in the bedroom, and both are absolutely kings at aftercare. Theyll clean you up, make sure you're comfortable, making you a hot bath or whatever you need before cuddling you to sleep.

Conversation with Card is weird, his universe is very chaotic, not at all what you assumed from your own dimension.

"soo...you only turned seras for..." "her big tits, yup ( ͡º ꒳ ͡º) "

You can only blink at him, wondering how exactly his mind works. Integra HATES having two vampires. when their together, Cards energy starts to interfere with Alucard's before their both being dipshits and fucking shit up.

It's like having Twin toddlers running amok the manor. Seras is constantly confused, she has no idea who's who until one of them is calling her things like 'sugar tits' or something provocative, then she threatens to call you and the two seem to immediately coward away.

Card is not one to go against your fury, even in his own universe before your death, you could scare the devil himself and it appears the same is in this universe.

_______

Sometimes, at night when Alucard is on a mission, you and card take night walks around the garden. He becomes...softer. Sadder. He talks about missing you in his world, how he should have told you how he felt before your death. You only frown, holding his hand in your own..

You know he'll have to return to his own world soon, and that breaks you. because you've grown so used to your banter with him and Alucard. None the less, you enjoy your time with him the best you can.

Alucard won't admit it, but he enjoys having another version of him around. He and card actually fucked Infront of you before, for your enjoyment of course, but that stays in the bedroom.

Alucard enjoys having someone who can match his strength and his power.

When the day comes to say goodbye to card, you're trying not to cry, handing him a small bracelet with yours and Alucard's name on it. Card scoffs and says his not a child, but you don't miss the way his eyes turn glossy and how he tucks the gift into his coat.

Your two vampires shake hands, staring into each other eyes almost talking to each other telepathically. Afterwards, Card gets down on one knee, cupping your face and gently kissing you goodbye, gently wiping your tears as he does so.

"I will not forget the love you have given me, i know if My Y/n were to still be living. She would be Just like you" he says, and for the first time...he's serious. no jokes, jabs or provocative language.

You can only smile as Alucard tugs you back to his hip, smiling. "it was a pleasure to get to know you..." he rumbles out to his counterpart as he leaves through the wormhole, his grin the last thing you see before it closes and it's just you and Alucard standing in the night..

______

you slowly learn to move on from having Card in your life, everything of his you owned being boxed up and hidden away into the back shelf of the closet. Both you and Alucard sometimes sit in the garden at night, wondering how Card is doing and if he's safe, his time with you affected the way you both feel. Alucard misses his brash behavior and the way it would turn his master red. But he also misses how happy he saw you with having him around.

Soon, it becomes a distant memory you both share, especially once Alucard turns you, as time goes on. You learn to hold his memory close and continue your lives together...

A/: aint gonna lie, i started crying writing this

[ahoyimlosingmymind]

Dead FFitz. How would the crew react?

I don't think a single soul would actually believe it was real for a very long time.

Some part of Keefe would reach for his imparter to call Fitz before his wanderling was planted, feeling like he needed to talk to his best friend about his best friend's funeral. Only to realize he can't. Sophie would find herself reaching out to him telepathically, and finding an empty void in response. He was one of the first minds she'd ever entered, and they were cognates, and it would feel like she lost a limb. She'd reach out even knowing that he wouldn't answer, through some vain hope. Biana would get whiffs of the smell of baking from the everglen kitchen and hurry down just to find a gnome baking Mallowmelt. It won't ever taste like Fitz's, and she can't even take a bite without feeling like she's going to throw up. When she gets to the elite levels all she can think about how both of her big brothers are dead and how she's the only one left. Della would pace in front of her sons' bedroom doors, and she would sometimes open them, expecting to see her boys sitting on their beds, doing homework, or chatting with their friends on their imparters. They're always empty. Covered in dust, slowly losing the smell of their colognes'. When the gnomes come to clean, she screams at them through tears. Nobody touches the rooms after that; not even her. Alden doesn't go near their rooms. He won't even approach the hall. He keeps Fitz's imparter in his pocket and answers all of Keefe's half-thought hails in the middle of the night, and sometimes neither of them can breathe. Keefe hangs up first. He can't stand the fact that Fitz's teal eyes are staring into his, but he isn't even there. It all feels like denial. Like he's going to come back somehow, by some miracle. Sophie stares at all the bows she kept from the treats he baked her. She curses her photographic memory, because his movie-star smile never quite leaves her mind's eye, and Keefe uses his own to draw portraits of his dead best friend. Sophie won't look at them. Della holds them close to her chest, and Biana pretends that it doesn't feel like being stabbed to see them. Alden hangs them in his study. Keefe draws one of Alvar too, and Biana keeps it in a drawer in her room.

[signanothername]

yess love that you made Nightmare a lil mamas boy, like tbh, i feel like he was such a lil mama boys cause he spent all his time with her, like in my opion, no one loved their mom more then nightmare.

but life if Nim was a good mom is sorta iffy, idk, i feel like she loved Dream and Nightmare, but still neglected them. not because she didn't care, but more cause she just wasn't ready to be a mom.

but god the grief Nightmare must of felt after he killed Nim and thought he killed Dream must've been crazy. wonder if he ever wished that Nim came back alive instead of Dream. maybe said that to Dream cause he would just to be a bitch.

but yeah, would love if you talked about what you thought Nim and the twins relationship was like.

HE ISSSS!!! He’s such a mama’s boy and it’s exactly cause he spent all his time with her

To Nightmare, his mom was also his only friend in a way, she was the only one keeping him company, and I like to think Nightmare used to talk to her a lot, about his favorite books and about Dream and about how lonely he felt

His mom was his only confidant and companion

The thing is tho? Yeah Nim was a neglectful mother, a very neglectful mother, and i’d say a horrible one even

Despite Nim’s circumstances in which she’s literally a tree, she’s alive in there and her spirit is heavily rooted in the tree, and by extension, rooted in Dream and Nightmare, she could at any time communicate with the twins, not in a telepathic way, but more in a sensory way, remember how i said Nightmare and Dream have roots that connect with everyone in the multiverse? It works the same way to an extent

Nim can communicate by sending signals to Dream and Nightmare, but instead of it being connected by soul, it’s that the twins are a direct extension of the tree, she could’ve at least made Nightmare feel safe at any point by signaling to him that she’s there, she could’ve made him feel less lonely by telling him she enjoys his company, etc

But she never did, she watched Nightmare cry and let him do so without giving him any reassurance, she cares about the twins but not enough to form any true emotional bond/connection with them, she cared in the sense of feeling a bit of pity for Nightmare’s circumstance but not feel protective of him, she made the twins last second before turning to the tree after all, to her, these are less like her children and more like assets she made to protect her cause she can’t protect herself, and the worst part? They’re replaceable to her, she can always make new guardians to protect herself if she wanted, and she even thought of doing so as she wasn’t convinced that children are strong enough to protect her, that was simply a mistake cause she made them seconds before her “death”

But Nightmare doesn’t know any of that, the only thing he knows is that his mother is there for them but simply incapable of communication, all hopeful and innocent little Nightmare knows is that his mother would burn the world down for them if she could (when in reality she wouldn’t)

And that’s all adult Nightmare knows too, he never got to know how little care Nim had for them

And oh the grief Nightmare feels for his mother weighs down so much, to the point Nightmare wishes he could turn back the clock just so he could stop himself from killing her, but he can’t, and he has to live with that

I wouldn’t say Nightmare wishes Nim came back to life instead of Dream, but he definitely wishes she comes back to life, cause in a way, turning Dream to stone wasn’t what Nightmare meant to do either, to little Nightmare? He just lost his entire family in one night, so when Dream got out of stone, part of Nightmare is beyond relieved, cause for the longest time he thought Dream was dead and had to live with that grief too

And tbh? I think even if Nightmare knew how little care Nim had for them it would eat away at him, but still wouldn’t change his love for her, know how sometimes even when the parent is neglecting or horrible, the child just can’t bring themselves to hate their parent? It’s the same thing with Nightmare, and if Nightmare knew how neglecting Nim is he’d be in even more pain and distress because he would try his hardest to hate her, cause how dare she? But Nightmare would know that he actually can’t bring himself to hate her no matter how hard he tries and it would make him so mad at himself

And y’know, I’ve been actually thinking about why Nightmare would even cut the tree down, even in his state of madness he’d still know not to cut the tree, and I like to think it’s cause the only time Nim ever communicated with the twins at all is during the Apple incident, in which she cursed both Dream’s and Nightmare’s names, she cursed Dream’s name for being too weak and naive for believing the villagers are his friends, and cursed Nightmare’s name for being exactly the demon the villagers deemed him to be, and Nightmare’s actions were instantaneous, one second Nim is screaming at the twins, the next? She’s dead

And Nightmare was just too disoriented to realize what he did untill reality set in

Nightmare and Dream still get nightmares/night terrors as the voice of their mother’s screams haunt them every damn day of their lives

Both twins have to live knowing that the last emotion (and only emotion they got to feel from their mother since they were born) was deep rooted anger and resentment :)

[totally-not-a-mutant]

Ooc:

Every single character I like or even slightly relate to is some kind of non-verbal in my mind. That's just how it is.

Scott Summers? Talking is incredibly draining for him and he loses words fast. He's gotten better at it over the years but he still gets very stressed and sometimes angry if someone tries to talk to him when he is non-verbal. Has learned ASL and uses communication cards.

Alex Summers? Doesn't talk unless he find it incredibly important. Doesn't bother with AAC, if you don't know what he means through his body language then clearly you don't need to know what he is trying to communicate. Gets volatile when people try to make him speak. (Can you tell I hc the Summers brothers as having tempers? And being autistic. That's also important. In fact, their tempers and autism go hand in hand. I could make a whole separate post about this.)

Logan? Doesn't speak unless directly spoken to and will not answer stupid questions. Doesn't talk with more than a few words at a time unless he deems it necessary.

Charles Xavier? Finds verbal communication to be useless and somewhat constrained by human language, prefers to talk telepathically where he can also communicate through emotions and images.

Jean Grey? She has selective mutism caused by severe social anxiety.

I could do more but I'll keep it at here for now. This also goes for other fandoms too but I stuck to x-men cause, ya know, x-men blog. Anyway, if you want you guys should send me character and I will deem if they are some type of non-verbal and why.

[the1northlanderprincess]

And in the Darkness, bind them...Pt 2

Welcome back, folks. We're going to pick up after Sauron is done shifting figures.

Sauron finally has been able to gain the upper hand on Galadriel after she is knocked to the ground. Then he starts monologuing as he prowls around her. He says he can see her mind. When she gets up he faces her, and he tells her that the door is still. Look at this face. He's so sure of himself, hopeful, and maybe even a little prideful.

But she says it's shut, and kicks him in the face, which felt a bit out of style for her. Maybe that's the point. He comes at her more aggressively than ever before, and he actually lets out a yell in anger, which I honestly think needed to happen. Sometimes it just feels good to let it out. It was kind of hot, too, not gonna lie. And yet, when Gal regains her confidence and strikes his face yet again, he hangs back and waits for her. She charges, and he immediately returns the favor. He again shoves her against a wall, but she's trapped this time. He stabs her with the spike of his crown. Gal is stunned. Then we get this face from Sauron.

Devastatingly beautiful expression (or is it the other way around?). He honestly looks (again) like he'll cry. As he tells her he wouldn't have rested until everyone adored her, he sounds breathless again. He is completely remorseful at what he's just done. Him dragging her over is...something else. It's twistingly intimate. Especially with how he raises his chain towards her; getting close to her but pulling it back. It's calculated, and a tease.

Now, if Sauron was a little less crazed (like he clearly shows as he waits for her to retort), I could have ALMOST seen him replace his left hand on the crown with his right, and then use the left to grasp her shoulder to make more of a connection to what he's saying.

I have to talk about Galadriel's emotions for a minute. Before she speaks, tears escape. She's in physical pain, that's for certain. However, I want to say that she's feeling inner turmoil, as well. Like, how could you do this to me? Aside from her outbursts of anger, it's the most emotion she's shown over this whole thing (since the S1 finale).

I don't know much about elven psychology and the like, but, I feel that Galadriel needs to really allow herself to fully mourn the hurt of his betrayal and the love she felt. This all goes back to why it's important to have actual emotional conversations between the couple, no matter where they're at in the relationship.

It's time for the moment you've been waiting for: the cliff!

Okay, so, Gal has fallen to the ground after Sauron releases her. He prowls around, then he speaks to her telepathically for the very first time. He's a little stern and demanding when he asks for Nenya. When Gal rises, he asks her again, but it's a little softer. Yet, his eyes are so piercing. Sauron really wants her to hand the ring over to him willingly. Do we think if she actually did, would he have healed her wound, or leave her alone? It's something we should discuss more.

When Galadriel takes off her ring and throws his question back at him, seemingly seeking truth. This is his answer. He looks positively overjoyed, and he even starts tearing up. Not only does this convey that he believes she's starting to get it, but it's also a common expression you see in the face of a person being told (most of the time it's a woman) they are everything. For Sauron, it would certainly be everything if the lady elf he loves understands and accepts his grand vision.

Then we get that line. Sigh.

Anyway, as Galadriel falls back he is stunned, and possibly terrified. Tell me he isn't afraid of what will happen to her.

There has been some controversy over whether or not he was reaching for her or the ring. In this still, I think she has already fallen. If he was truly concerned about the ring, would he have this utter terror on his face or stretch out his hand to save her even if it was too late? Yeah, I don't think so.

One thing I would like to point out is the music as Galadriel steps off. Now, it is most likely part of Gal's motif, but there is a similar scale in the intro to Halbrand's theme. Is it a coincidence? I'm not sure, but I do know composers like to use motifs multiple times, especially if they want to tie things together.

Finally, we're at the end. Sauron just stabbed Glug after being debriefed. He had been pacing by the edge of the cliff, looking down at where Gal fell. After glaring off an orc, he turns back with a solemn, far off gaze, and I think in the subsequent shots are obvious that he's using his supersight to check up on her.

Another music-related thing I'd like to point out is the slow, melancholic variation of her theme when we first see Gal laying on the ground in Sauron-vision. It's like the scene in The Swan Princess when Prince Derek finds a dying Odette.

Again, it's probably just the shipper goggles talking, but I feel as if there's a significance that we're hearing this lovely music as he's looking at her from afar, probably wishing that things were different and she makes it out all right. Because, although he may have forced her to touch the darkness, I don't believe he'd really want all of her light extinguished from the world, no matter how mad he is.

[archangeldyke-all]

how do you think silco would know about us? like would she introduce us to him as like “(name), silco. silco, (name)” or would she just be talking about something and then be like “and my girlfriend- oh-“ and silco would just be like “oh? girlfriend? 🧍😯”

cuteeee

men and minors dni

silco would know long before she tells him.

he's incredibly observant. and when sevika starts coming in with a little glint in her eye, a little smirk tugging at the side of her lips as she stares off into space, he starts to get suspicious.

she's less irritable. she's more conversational. she's a little softer around the edges. nobody else notices any difference, but silco and sevika are so close to one another that he does.

he doesn't say anything, knowing that sevika will tell him when she's ready. but that doesn't stop him from poking some fun at her.

she'll yawn in the middle of a meeting and he'll shoot her a smile. "up late last night?" he asks. she just nods. "babette's?" he asks, knowing damn well she wasn't at babette's. he chuckles at the little blush that forms on her cheeks.

she'll come in with visible hickeys (she never let the girls at babette's mark her besides their nails scratching down her back) and he'll snort. "do you need me to get you some of that foundation i use in your shade?"

the thing is, the way sevika and silco are, they both communicate a majority of their information telepathically. so sevika knows silco knows about you, but she's not going to say anything until absolutely necessary, just to avoid the awkward interaction.

but, eventually, silco gets curious. from the very few glimpses of the person you might be that he susses out from sevika's new behavior, he thinks he'd actually quite like you.

like when sevika and silco are out walking the streets, and she disappears then reappears with a bag on her wrist, and he catches sight of a little teddy bear plushy inside it.

or when sevika opens her side satchel one morning then smirks and pulls out a big joint, wrapped in a pink wrap.

or when she starts bringing in a little lunch pail, and the food smells absolutely divine.

silco's curious. he wants to know the mysterious person that's caught sevika's attention.

as strange and emotionally stunted as their relationship is, sevika is still silco's closest friend. and he'd never tell her, but he cares for her.

so, one night, as they're smoking in his office and decompressing from a horribly boring meeting up top, silco clears his throat to get her attention.

"i'd like to meet her." he says, never one to beat around the bush. he bites back the smile that threatens to form on his lips at the way sevika sputters and blushes, rubbing the back of her neck as she composes herself, then sighing.

"she wants to meet you too." she admits hesitantly. he grins.

the next night, sevika finally lets you come to the last drop with her. and instead of parking you in her usual booth, she drags you upstairs to silco's office.

she stops you outside the door, refusing to meet your eye. you smile at her.

"you're nervous?" you guess. she huffs and nods.

"just... don't embarrass me too much." she requests.

you laugh and kiss her cheek, then knock on the door for her. "no promises."

silco's got a sly smile on his lips the entire night while he chats with you and watches sevika melt into the couch beside you from embarrassment. you both swap stories about her, and he finds you incredibly funny (and ballsy-- he's never heard anyone tease sevika the way you do.)

you guys become great friends.

he's the only other person who knows sevika well enough for you to be able to bitch about her to. and vice versa.

sometimes, you'll even meet up for drinks with silco without sevika present. just so the two of you can decompress and complain about all her little quirks and strange hang ups.

and once silco lets it slide that the food you pack for sevika in her lunch boxes smells delicious to him, you start packing her two servings, insiting she share with her boss.

taglist!

@lesbeaniegreenie @fyeahnix @sapphicsgirl @half-of-a-gay @ellabslut @thesevi0lentdelights @sexysapphicshopowner @shimtarofstupidity @love-sugarr @chuucanchuucan @222danielaa @badbye666 @femme-historian @lia-winther @gr0ssz0mbi3 @ellsss @sevikaspillowprincess @leomatsuzaki

[ttlurking]

While I keep working on the design for the Cipher twins AU here's some more things i thought to add!

They both have Ford's 6 fingers hands, since they're mostly made of his genetic material it was a high probsbilty that it'd be passed down.

I'm not sure about Canon but in this au the twins are partially responsible for their parents divorce, not for a fault of their own but because their parents think they're too freaky and contributed greatly to the cracks already existing in their marriage. So they've been sent to who they think is their actual father/creator, not knowing its Stanley.

They have shared dreams/dreamscape (this is actually inspired by real life because when me and my brother slept in the same room as kids we'd sometimes have conjoined dreams? It's a story for another time anyways) plus the fact that Bill is technically on of their fathers means they can always lucid dream and have a pretty good control on their dreams. They have their own separate dream areas, almost like they "split" their rooms, especially as they grew. This is to give eachother privacy in their dreams and also because their tastes in dreams are vastly different.

They can talk telepathically, being linked through the dreamscape has their consciousnesses closely linked. They keep it as radio sort of situation, as neither is keen to look in the other's thoughts. It could be a completely open channel. It used to be when they were younger, which greatly contributed to their freakishness as they used to talk together, as if they were one being.

Dipper and Mabel have personalities that stick pretty close to canon, with Dipper taking more after Ford and Mabel after Stan. Tho as they're Ford's kids I'd say they've both inherited his genius in different ways, Dipper is smart and logical, a bit too calculating and probably on the spectrum. He likes to study things because he wants to know more and likes feeling in control. He has a quick mind, good for puzzles, equations and observation. Very fast learner. Mabel is creative and a tinkerer, while she still loves to make sweaters (and bedazzled eyepatches) her inventiveness is cranked up. She's made some pretty complex sweaters, some that could light up, so it's not even too much of a reach. She likes to make useful machines to help around the house, and while they do work, they're usually weird looking and usually made for unnecessary tasks: like glitter dispensers, disco toilets, rainbow colored shower water etc.. although she's good at making things on request, like Stan's beloved automatic backscratcher.

Stan started wearing the eyepatch as his Man of Mystery persona to make the kids feel more welcomed. He says that it's so they can sell the while "Mystery Family" deal and make more money but he always thinks of his brother and how it was for him as a child to be a "freak"

Dipper's constellation glows when he's sleeping.

The twins don't know they're not completely human. They just think they've inherited the "Family weirdness" that they've heard about.

They still think Stan is their Grunkle. Things start to click after they first meet Bill. They have an easier time in this Au, since they're used to their own dreamscape, they're much more of a threat to Bill, who retreats after he realises just what the twins are.

Their realisation about Bill is complex, along the lines of "We're connected but I don't know how."

They have heavily suspected that the author is related to them since the first season because what are the chances of a 6 fingers handprint on a diary.

When they meet Ford they're like "oh ok- Stan has a twin? So we have two great uncles, makes sense, we must have the 6 fingers mutation in our genetic makeup, a family thing. He's our dad. He's our dad???"

Granda and Candy are still awesome best friends and they never make Mabel feel bad for being different. To them, she's just as weird as they are.

Dipper doesn't have a crush on Wendy. He thinks he does, because he has no experience with this sort of things, but it's actually a mix of admiration and envy, he'd like to be more like her.

And that's it for now cause I'm really sleepy, sorry for the rant~

[chweverni]

Hiii would like to request a fic from your promt list with the combination 544 (leehan+bestfriends to lovers+“I knew it would be you from the start“)

Don’t stress to do it,thank you pookie!!<333

LOVE YOU LIKE A FOOL

pairing; leehan x fem! reader synopsis; first breakups are hard, but do you know what's harder? admitting that maybe it was always him after all. wc; 1k+ warnings; domestic leehan, break ups (angst involved), fluff at the end, comfort fic :) lmk if i missed sth author's note; hello! thank you for requesting <3 i hope this was satisfactory:) i like writing for leehan js because hes just a book boyfriend HAHA

- its your first break up. and yes, maybe two months have passed since it happened. but firsts are always the ones that hurt the most, because you feel the emotion for the first time, and its almost stranger-like, amplified to make you feel worse, as if you're the problem.

you're currently stuck in your bedroom, music blasting from the speaker on your bedside table, as guilt took over you. why'd i even bring it up again? you wanted to cry but you knew you shouldn't. because the guy you dated, was a jerk.

"she's like a backup plan, if yijin doesn't work out, it's definitely gonna be y/n. she's simple to persuade, and you know what they say about first loves .."

"he's a jerk. and you're okay. you're hot, you're sexy! you got this y/n! don't cry!", you repeated like a mantra, mostly because you hated how bad it felt afterwards. the way your eyelids would get all sticky, and the way your face would puff up, you hated all of it. you hated him.

at times like these, you'd look up at only one person, leehan, who made you feel like a princess, every moment you spent with him. but he wasn't yours. you two were best friends since time immemorial and he understood you inside out. he knew your deepest darkest secret; how you got your first period to how you ended up with your first boyfriend. he helped you get over your break up, but those words still pierced you bad sometimes. it felt like a stab to your heart, honestly.

just when you were contemplating on your messed up love life, your phone started ringing.

it was leehan. it was almost like you two were telepathically connected because he always seemed to call you at times when you're feeling the most— be it happy, or sad.

"hey y/n. i called because something didn't feel right, are you okay?", you could hear leehan's concern in the way he talked, and were kind of surprised at his instincts. but you replied, none the less.

"hey hannie, i'm doing great! it's just that i caught a cold, nothing less or more.", you replied, your blocked nose being evidence that you were going through something.

"do you want me to come over? i'll look after, i'm free today..", he asked, and gosh, you could almost see the way his lips would form a pout, giving a look of concern, as he inquired.

how could one say no to such an offer? you agreed in a heartbeat and got up to fresh up and make your home presentable before leehan arrived.

-

"i made you soup, it's gonna help immensely with your throat, y/n-ie.", leehan smiled, as he placed the soup on the table, carefully putting out the bowl and soup spoons. he rubbed his hands with a towel, removing his apron, as he sat down in front of you.

you hummed and smiled in gratitude, as you poured yourself some.

"you know you didn't have to do this, i know how time consuming it can be..", you trailed off, digging right in the soup.

but leehan simply smiled again, his eyes forming the same crescent moons which released a million butterflies in your stomach, even though you didn't know why.

"you're special to me, and friends always look out for each other. it's like an unspoken rule!"

-

in the evening, both of you decided to just watch a film, because a day of leisure, is nothing without movies. however, the movie just had to be about a girl's first love and break up. and you know what it did? it brought your big girl emotions, and in less than an hour into the movie, your eyes welled up with tears. when people say they resonate with characters in particular films, maybe this is what they meant.

leehan was petrified, because, you began crying out of the blue. the same time as the female lead. but he wasn't dumb, so he instantly wrapped his arms around your shoulders, pulling you close.

"he didn't deserve you. you know that right?"

"or maybe i just wasn't enough.", you said, your voice laced with blatant guilt.

leehan sighed, his look softening, as he turned your body towards him. he couldn't hold it in anymore. the thing about leehan was that, he was patient about everything—even his liking for you. when you got with your boyfriend last summer, he hurt a lot. but as long as you were happy, he was okay with it. but after what he did to you, he regretted not telling you sooner; how much he wanted to be the one to take you out on dates, tell you how much you meant to him, how much he loved you.

"everything about you is perfect, he just didn't understand that. you can ask me about you, and i could list endless reasons for which i love you."

all that escaped his lips felt like a storm to you. but the storm felt comforting for some reason. you were confused, but why did it make your stomach feel fuzzy again?

you stared at him, like he broke you with what he said.

"do you really mean it?"

"i mean every word of it, y/n. it hurt like a bitch when you got together with him, when he didn't treat you right."

"i love you like a fool. i've been waiting for so long to tell you this, i was patient, but seeing you cry like this, hurts me."

due to your lack of response, leehan turned his head aside, preparing to leave, but you pulled him closer, faces inches apart, as you said,

"i knew it would be you from the start. i love you too, hannie."

you closed the gap, as he returned the kiss in a heartbeat. you could feel the weight from your shoulders escape, as he cupped your cheek, to deepen the kiss.

he whispered sweet nothings in the meantime, caressing your cheeks, as you ran your fingers through his hair.

maybe those butterflies were signs that he would be the one.

-

(bonus)

"when you said you had endless reasons for liking me; is it enough to write a book?"

you asked, fiddling with his fingers, as both of you cuddled up on the bed, with leehan wrapping his arms round your waist.

leehan chuckled, replying, "do you want me to, love?"

"i'd rather listen to you talk, i never liked reading novels anyway."

you said, placing a soft kiss on his fingers.

-

end! thanks for reading, visit my profile or access my masterlist here!

all creds to chweverni only on tumblr <3

[munsonson]

Love Triangle ( Fem!Henderson!Reader Edition )

Henderson!Reader who is basically sunshine on a pair of legs, raised by a doting Claudia who constantly builds up her confidence and builds her into this teddy bear personified

Steve used to be kind of a dick to Reader in his King Steve phase. But for some reason Reader never held it against him; she was always kind to him, tried to see the good in him even if he didn’t deserve it. Most of the time it just made him feel like a dick.

Eddie befriended her during his second senior year when she was just a junior. He thought she was sweet, if not a little annoying with her do-good attitude. As a nonconformist, it’s severely hard to be friends with someone who still thinks it’s rude not to address the teacher with sir or ma’am.

When they both start liking Reader it was kind of like a telepathic note that they just KNEW the other liked them, too. And instantly it became some kind of dick swinging contest that only Reader was unaware of.

They both start ATTEMPTING to hang out with Reader more, but this usually just ends up with the three of them following her around like lost puppy dogs, carrying her bag for her or buying her sodas. Reader is just so happy b/c she gets to spend this time with her closest friends 🥰

Steve takes more after the chivalry role. He constantly opens doors for Reader and proceeds to slam it in Eddie’s face when he walks in after her. He also buys milkshakes with two straws for them to share but Eddie looks him dead in the eye and slurps that motherfucker, brain freeze be damned.

Eddie, on the other hand, is more like the playful role? He constantly tries to make Reader laugh by doing silly things and cracking jokes. Sometimes Steve trips him up and Eddie will fall on purpose just to see Reader giggle and help him up.

They go to the movies and do the yawn arm stretch thing at the same time and accidentally interlock their arms behind Reader’s head. She laughs and just grabs both of their hands, interlocking them with hers.

Steve always gets so excited when she visits him at work until she starts arriving with Eddie who’s just standing there all smugly beside her because he can dote and hug on her but Steve can’t because \\work//

Eddie’s so happy b/c Reader agreed to go to his Corroded Coffin gig and waves at her so happy from the stage until he sees her there with Steve who is giving Eddie this shit eating grin and waving at him, too. Eddie nearly contemplates breaking his precious baby guitar over Steve’s head.

Eddie and Steve pester Dustin constantly asking him who Reader’s favorite is and he’s just so mentally exhausted like ‘WHO. CARES.’

Steve hosts like a movie night and ‘conveniently’ Nancy and Robin both cancelled. Reader and Eddie shows up and Steve is APPALLED b/c Reader’s dressed in a Hellfire shirt, EDDIE’S Hellfire shirt to be exact. Eddie’s smug asf ofc. Plus he drove her here which makes it worse

Buuuuut Steve manages to convince her to cuddle up next to him b/c he’s a personal heater and has the fluffiest blanket. So she’s laying across his chest and Steve just smirks over at Eddie who’s pouting.

Steve likes to baby Reader a lot. Part of being the ‘babysitter’ makes him very…for lack of a better word, devoted? He just likes to take care of Reader, make her feel like she doesn’t have to lift a finger. He likes to buy her things and cook for her.

Eddie, on the other hand, likes to have fun with Reader. Go out and do stuff just the two of them whether it’s something stupid like just sitting together above the quarry or reading to each other in his bed. Eddie just likes those quiet moments with them b/c they’re so sweet and personal. He gets to talk about stuff he doesn’t normally

Eventually, after a long time of fighting over her the two of them finally ask her who she’d rather go out with. They won’t be hurt they just want her to be happy

Reader is confused b/c she thought all three of them were dating this whole time together?

[lya-dustin]

The Stone Table

or a rewrite of a one shot i did when rings of power first came out in my now deleted lotr blog erinti-of-the-maiar

Gil-galad x Erinti(oc)

could be read as part of both The Moon Lives in the Lining of Your Skin(silmarilion version)and I Sang of Leaves of Gold(Rings of power verision

inspired by this post made by @queenmeriadoc

summary: Gil-galad’s Maia wife wants a baby but his schedule is too busy so she uses their bond to spice things up during a feast to get what she wants.

cw: sex, telepathic dirty talk, cunnilingus, p in v sex, breeding, table sex, breast play

Her husband has always been too serious.

He had been serious and sensible with a perpetually stern brow despite his youth when they first married. While Ereinion Gil-galad had never been wild, he has always been bold.

The burden of kingship weighs heavily on him as does a strange hint of evil growing in the air. He smiles less and less these days, rarely takes a day off and Erinti has found him too tired to seek pleasure as of late.

She aches for him, to feel him move within her and see his troubles melt away as he sows his seed into her womb.

The Maia wants a child, to have their feä join and create a life inside her that will become a babe in her arms for them to love and nurture for the rest of their days.

And that cannot happen if her husband refuses to fuck that baby into her. To have him be rough with her, to have him overpower her and fuck her until all of Lindon feels the effect of their orgasms.

It would soon be autumn, but no plant would die nor leaf fall if the High King were to take her bent over his desk, or against the wall or on the balcony like they did a while ago.

Gil-galad’s hand on his glass tightens as his wife’s desire is felt through their bond.

Elves can hold a strong bond to the point of feeling one live and die no matter the distance, a Maiar could even manipulate a person so long as there is an opening.

Erinti and her husband have a bond so strong she knows the Halls of Mandos wouldn’t stand a chance against it. Sometimes they do not even need to speak out loud, his thoughts and hers can be heard and even seen as clearly as if each other were part of their psyche.

She is half expecting him to ask her to stop and yet her husband does not. Instead, her stick in the mud husband matches her desire with his.

Despite the regal and rigid as stone aspect he has, Gil-galad has quite a filthy mind. And, of course, the stamina to tire his maiar wife.

Something he reminds her with a hidden smile as he drinks his wine. Wine he claims is not as fine as that nectar that flows from her womb.

A womb he will fill the moment the feast is cleared, or so he promises.

But it does not end there, no, he doesn’t allow her to concentrate on the things said by those speaking to her as he takes his revenge.

He likes the low cut of her dress, the swell of her bosom on display like that for him, the fact that she wore no shift, or any other undergarments, had not gone unnoticed by him.

The king wants to tease her over the clothes, to knead and brush his thumb over her sensitive nipples as he kissed his way down her fair neck and collarbone until he is tearing off the dress to free her body from its confines. He intended to lavish her perfect breasts and use his mouth and fingers to string out that beautiful melody she makes when she comes.

A good prelude for what he had planned after the feast is over. By the time she’s readied for him to breed her Erinti of the Flowers would be naked and exposed to the cool autumn air.

The stone table would suffice, stone does not grow roots and leaves when he fucks his queen on it. Their bed had become a living tree with great roots and thick foliage with how attentive her husband usually is.

This particular stone was of great strength, carved from deep inside the mountains of Eregion and able to withstand the might of an Ent if it is to be believed.

A maia in the throes of passion may test that myth. Erinti’s hands had broken many things when her control slipped, while her ability was to nurture the earth as a servant of Yavanna and Nessa, her strength could destroy towers and castles with ease.

Gil-galad prided himself in making her lose control and admire his handiwork after. Not all furniture survived after he and his Queen were done.

It would not end with the table; he wants to take under the stars like he did when they wed. To have her ride him as the stars frame her like the goddess she is. To have the heavens and the earth witness the creation of a second Lúthien Tinúviel.

Not a princess, she corrects, but a son, a prince whose name she has seen from the moment she first laid with Gil-Galad.

Finnellach, flame of hair and eye.

The feast is scarcely over when the king makes good on his promise.

The king wastes no time in picking her up and setting her at the edge of the table, hiking up her dress until she could feel his hardness pressing between the heavy robes separating it from her cunt, feel how their game and his victory have affected him.

If she was as wet as the Lhûn before the final course had begun, the Maia Queen was sure to drown her husband with the waters from her womb.

“Has your husband been remiss in his duties, Lothíriel?” he asks between kisses with his sharp eyes dark and voice dripping with arousal.

Lothíriel, maiden crowned with flowers. The name he gave her when they first met, the name she wears as his wife just as he is Rodnor to her and the only name he cries out in pleasure.

“Our bed has wilted from your neglect, Rodnor.” The maia locked her long legs at his waist and let her hands roam up his chest and breaking the gorget he was wearing and tossing it aside as if it were nothing. “The leaves have begun to change color, but you’d notice that if you didn’t come so late and leave so early each day. I had half a mind to file a petition and demand a private audience with his grace to fix the issue.”

“You should have, I would have remedied the issue right there on my throne.” The vivid memory of all those times they had defiled his throne had her as wet as the Lhûn. “Her grace shall be crowned with oak blooms before dawn tomorrow.”

There is no promise of him taking the day off tomorrow, but the maia will fix that before the night is over.

“I better be, or his grace will not be leaving our bed.” The red haired being struggled to contain her desperation for him and effortlessly tore his robe of him to leave him only in his breeches.

He was built like an ox, trained in the same weapon that killed his beloved sister and as darkness grew around them, ready for war.

The scars from the Wrath have long since faded, you would not be able to tell he is a seasoned warrior and commander from looks alone. His physical strength could almost match her own, something Erinti Lothíriel has always loved.

“I won’t leave it either way.” With a smile he tears her dress apart until it pools around her waist on the table, and he is free to kiss his way down her neck and collar to her chest.

Gil-galad loves her breasts, the way they fit perfectly in his hands and their rosy peaks stiffen even more in the autumn air after he’d taken each of them into his mouth. He doesn’t stop there, the high king pushed her gently down to lie on the stone table as he continued down to her cunt as her hands threaded themselves in his dark mane.

The first time he had done this, the maia had turned made the meadow bloom to its fullest and remain so despite summer turning to fall soon after. The other times had resurrected the oak trees their bed had been.

Now as he threw her long bare leg over his shoulder, they would see how the stone would fare against the Scion of Kings putting his mouth and fingers to better use.

He is not the stern king with the weight of the world bearing down on him when they make love. He is simply her husband, her lover who knows exactly how to make her lose control of this fair form she made to be with him.

Her hand gripping the rough edge of the table feels nothing of the discomfort the stone against her soft palm nor does the stone show any sign of crumbling in her hold. Who was to say what would happen when Gil-galad makes her come undone?

She tries to hold back, not an easy task when Gil-galad uses every trick he knows to have her unravel with pleasure.

As great a singer and orator her husband is, Erinti things tongue fucking may be his best talent. The first time he had pleasured her this way the ground had shaken in tandem to her first orgasm and the hold on his hand had resulted in a hard to explain injury.

Still the stone does not break when the crescendo comes to its grand finish. They may have to procure more of it now.

“It passed the first test, but can it pass the second?” Gil-galad wiped her spent from his chin with the torn fabric of her gown, it won’t be of use anymore either way.

His manhood needs little help in reaching full mast, but the sight of it with some seed at its tip has desperate to feel it inside her. To feel it hitting those places only Gil-galad knows as they fuck hard and loud in open air without a drop of shame.

It was far too difficult to stop people from taking notice of their rulers’ sexual habits when their queen’s moods affected the life around them. So difficult it no longer mortified them almost two thousand years after.

“Only one way to find out.” The Maia breathes hard from the peak he brought her to, leaned back on her hands and spread her legs wide for her husband waiting for him to plow into her until Elbereth herself feels as if she too has been fucked senseless.

“The way her grace behaves, one would think she was a courtesan of the Edain and not a holy being.” he snaked an arm around her waist as the other pulled her face to his.

“Perhaps this holy being likes to be worshipped differently.” The maia kissed her husband deeply, tasting herself in his mouth as she pulled him closer to her until he dropped the hand on her chin to guide himself into her.

The wholeness that comes with being with him like this is heavenly, their feä melds into each other’s own as their bodies join in ways forbidden to anyone else.

“Then I will make this table a second altar to worship you on, Lothíriel.” His voice is low with desire and groans as he begins to move within her. Slow and steady, savoring every contour of her perfect body and driving her slowly to madness.

She may be Maiar, but Valar, did she find sexual compatibility the best thing Ilúvatar could bless his creations with. Her womanhood fit him like a glove, or so he says.

Perfection even Valinor would envy, his thoughts fill her head as he goes deeper and harder and brings his deft fingers to her button as his mouth seeks out her breast.

Their lovemaking brings the much-needed release Gil-galad desperately needed. Too many troubles coming seemingly out of nowhere and the lack of respite to find the why of it.

He is not the stone king teetering on the edge of a burst vein in his cerebrum, he is the elf groaning his wife’s name as their lewd sounds and smells fill the air. Time passes by around them and yet nothing exists beyond the two of them and their bliss.

Gil-galad comes just as he brings her to a second climax, a beautiful melody ending with a kindling of a new life.

“The stone didn’t break.” The King of the Noldor is still catching his breath when they remember to see if his theory proved correct. “We shall need more of this stone.”

“The table at your war room will need replacement.” The Maia grins hoping to see how they break that great round table hewn from a weaker stone.

[negasonicimagines]

Allergies

SYNOPSIS: After you and Ellie take down a plant monster, you quickly find out why it was being so aggressive in the first place. OR An overdue sex pollen fic.

Warnings/Notes: Smut, Sex Pollen, Minor Breeding Kink, Telepathic Reader, Oral, Strap-On (R!Receiving Both) / This is actually pretty old. It didn't feel finished, so I held onto it for a while. After polishing it a little I think it's as done as it's gonna get.

You and Negasonic are both exhausted after that last mission. 

“I have no idea why that creature was so hostile, or what it was even doing in the city. Those things usually stick to their dens in the forests, especially around this time of year,” she comments. For someone who tries so hard to look like a delinquent, she actually paid a lot of attention when she was in school, enough to have an internship at Stark Industries and a few scholarships under her belt. 

Graduated students are still permitted to live at Xavier’s, and they even get upgraded rooms; however, they still have to share. At least you two don’t have to deal with immature freshmen in the communal showers anymore. That’s enough to keep you as roommates, despite your differences. 

“I’m just glad it’s over with,” you say, punctuating your sentence with a sneeze. You haven’t stopped doing that since the end of the fight, when the plant-like beast was eventually herded back to its den with some minor injuries. Your mind control wasn’t as useful as anticipated, but due to the need for physical touch to even try, you got plenty of the pollen in your system, more so than your teammates, though they were also given a decent dusting. “We should shower.” 

“You first,” Ellie replies. You head to the restroom. 

Once the water starts running, you think about her. You two have lived together for about half a year now, and you still have no idea how she feels about you. 

You two will watch a few episodes of a TV show you both like, share the same opinions of the relationships and plot points, and it really seems like you could be friends, but then later, sometimes within hours, she’s right back to her snarky remarks and cold-shouldering, like it never happened. You’ll accompany each other to the gym, or dinner, and get along just fine, even if it’s just scrolling through your phones and showing each other Tiktoks and other memes. But then, again, coldness. You don’t know what you’ve done wrong, and you’re one more of her little comments away from just grabbing her and learning everything there is to know about her maze of a mind. 

No, not really. That would be wrong, violating. You’re just frustrated, you know that. You want to be her friend, maybe even more than her friend, but she just won’t let you in! 

You finish up your shower, and return to your room, cozying up on your bed. Ellie’s already pulled up Dexter on the TV so that you can resume where you left off in your rewatch in anticipation for the new season.

Her shower is speedier than yours. Her hair is so cute, even when it’s wet. Maybe you should ask her what hairdresser she goes to. 

She glances at you, seeing that you’re comfortable before pressing play. 

“Y’know, Lila reminds me of Mandy Milkovich,” you comment. 

Ellie looks at you like you’ve just announced your plans to glitterbomb Wolverine.

“What? I thought I was allowed to talk if we’ve both seen the episode or movie before,” you say. 

“No, no, you are, but that’s actually… That’s an interesting connection to make,” Ellie explains. “You’re right.” 

“Thanks?”

“Yeah.”

You watch the rest of the episode in a silence that’s actually kind of odd for you two. As the silence grows, so does a weird tension, each of you glancing at each other and trying not to get caught, but ultimately failing. Your skin starts to itch, but even as you scratch, it doesn’t go away. You even try some lotion from your nightstand, and that makes the itching worse. You’d tear off your clothes if Ellie wasn’t there. A strange thought trickles into your mind, urging you to do it anyways, and maybe even take hers off, too. You have an idea of what she looks like under her clothes, you had gym together in high school. Perverse thoughts continue to plague you, starting off as intrusive before suddenly they feel… Natural. 

She doesn’t allow the next episode to autoplay.

“Do you feel… Weird?” she asks. You nod. “Me too.”

“Cool. Uh, what could be causing this?” you wonder, sitting up and turning to look at her. 

“No idea, or… Oh, fuck.”

“Oh, fuck?” you repeat, wondering why she would say such a thing. 

“When that creature is in heat, all other senses and instincts are dulled. It wandered off and was hostile due to unfamiliar surroundings and the threat we posed. As a defense mechanism, it covered us in-”

“No,” you realize. “That’s real?! That’s a real thing?!” 

“Yeah,” she sighs. “It’s only gonna get worse from here.”

“The effects are documented?! Why didn’t they warn us?!”

“That specific species hasn’t been studied enough. We didn’t know if they reproduced more like plants, or like animals… Until now, I guess,” Ellie explains. “Well, at least we weren’t too exposed to it. Too much of it and you don’t really have a choice but to do certain things, or-”

“Speak for yourself, my mind control abilities require skin-to-skin! What’s gonna happen to me?” you ask, frightened. 

“Well, unless you, y’know, you’re gonna be in a lot of pain. I don’t know for how long, again, this species isn’t well-studied due to its reclusive nature, but-” She cuts herself off with a sigh. ”I’m not the best person to talk to about this.”

“Considering you know so much about it, why wouldn’t you be the best person to talk to?”

“Because the more I talk about the effects, the more I want to prevent you from suffering from them,” she admits, finally meeting your gaze, and you could drown in the depth of her eyes, black oceans that are burning hot even when they aren’t glowing orange. 

“You just said you weren’t exposed to it very much, so why would you…?”

“You really don’t know?” she asks, sounding almost angry.

“Know what?”

“And everyone was telling me I was being so obvious,” she scoffs. 

“What?!” you ask again, exasperated already by her vagueness.

“I’m into you, for fuck’s sake!”  she confesses.

“Is that why you’re so unpredictable?!” You’re shocked. Of all the possible reasons for her hot-and-cold act, you hadn’t considered this. You sigh. “Well, okay. If it gets too bad, help me out. I’m consenting now before my condition gets worse and you won’t be able to tell if I’m telling the truth or not.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Y/N, I can’t just hook up with you and pretend like nothing happened! I’m not like that,” she says.

“Who said we had to pretend like it didn’t happen? I’m interested in you, too. We get this over with and then we start dating or whatever you want to do. You’ll probably change your mind once you’ve been with me, though.”

“Why would you say that?” Ellie asks. She sounds… Defensive. 

“It’s prolonged skin-to-skin contact. No one’s ever stayed after… That. They can’t even look at me. I know their most vulnerable secrets, and they know mine. And that’s with me trying to prevent absorbing anything. Once I… We… Y’know, that gets pretty hard to not do, and I get the feeling it’s gonna be even harder if my mind is only focused on one thing.” 

“You warned them first?” she wonders. You nod. “Then it’s their own damn fault, not yours. I’m fine with that, gets everything out in the open before we get in too deep. Well, before you do. I- All I think about is you, honestly. I know we don’t do a whole lot together, but living with you, watching our favorite shows, all that… I love it. I never want it to end. I wish I wasn’t too cowardly to show it.”

“You’re showing it now,” you tell her, surprised at her honesty but wanting to encourage it. 

“I guess I am,” she admits, soothed by your words. “Can I kiss you?”

You nod, though you’re a bit nervous. 

Ellie ventures from her bed to yours, taking your face in her hands. She looks as nervous as you feel, but she goes for it. You kiss back, of course.

When you part, she smiles. 

“You really like me, too?” 

“I told you,” you reply. 

“I guess I just wasn’t expecting…” She sighs and smiles again. “That was nice.”

“Wanna do it again?” you offer with a cheeky grin. She nods, and the two of you kiss again, and again, and again, until you’re under her, thighs interlocked as you both needily roll your hips. Her hands slide up your shirt, but before she gets to your chest, she asks:

“Can I?”

“Of course,” you reply, and she gets back  to work, resuming the kiss while massaging your breasts and using her thumbs to rub your nipples through your bra. Your thighs squeeze around the one of hers between them, and you can feel her satisfaction. 

Ellie pulls away. Oh no, don’t do that.

“This is really okay, right?” 

“Can’t you tell?” you ask. Your hands were already cupping her cheeks, but you press into them a little harder, giggling at her smushed face. 

“Oh, that’s what that is… I just thought it felt really good to be, y’know…” Riding your thigh. 

We’re touching. I can sense what you’re thinking, to an extent. Surface level stuff, can’t go deeper without actually trying, you tell her without opening your mouth. And because I’m not guarding myself all the way, you’re able to feel, y’know… Some of what I’m feeling. 

“So cool…” she murmurs, and you catch a hint of excitement at the thought of…

You blush, a sheepish smile on your face. 

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. Oh, wow, okay, I mean, I know you warned me, but- Wait, not like that, I want this still, just… I gotta be more careful.”

“Why?” you ask reflexively, but you know. She thinks it before she says it:

“I don’t want you to feel pressured,” like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. She puts her hands against yours, smiling again when she feels just how much more attractive she made herself to you by saying that and genuinely meaning it. You pull your hands away to take off your shirt, helping her with hers. “Wow.” 

“I- I can put my shirt back on.”

She puts her hands on your hips and oh, okay. It was a good “wow.” 

“This is pretty convenient,” she murmurs. “People don’t like this?”

“Just wait ‘til we climax, okay? You’ll change your mind.” 

I don’t think I will, Ellie thinks. Nothing about her could change my mind at this point. 

You gasp at that. 

“I, uh, I’m sorry,” she murmurs, embarrassed. 

You shake your head, the need between your thighs only growing with time. 

Ellie kisses you again, reaching around you for the clasp of your bra as it gets deeper. She presses her hand against the clasp, and you know what she’s asking.

Yes, please. 

Great manners, she thinks, and you can feel the satisfaction in it. 

Your lips part so that she can take your bra the rest of the way off, and she next kisses your neck, hot and heavy and wet kisses trailing down to your chest. 

She feels pleasure blossom from every kiss and can’t help but smirk before she finally kisses one of your nipples, sucking on it and flicking her tongue and-

“Oh, fuck, Ellie, I- Ha, you- thank you, oh,” you whimper, squirming underneath her. 

Sensitive, huh? I guess that’s to be expected, with the pollen and all. I wonder if she’d mind me writing a research article about this. Mm, so soft. 

“You can do whatever you want as long as you keep doing that,” you tell her. 

“Fuck, I’m sorry,” Ellie pulls away to say, and you whine. “Oh, right, just- Thoughts, y’know, that’s gotta be distracting.”

“You’re not my mindless sex slave,” you insist. 

Would be if you asked, she flirts.  

You can’t help but giggle at that, planting a kiss on her forehead. 

She resumes her work, switching to your other breast while still stimulating the one she was before with her fingers. You grind yourself against her thigh. 

Fuck, that’s so hot. I didn’t even know I was capable of being this happy, or horny, for that matter. Oh, she’s perfect. I knew she would be. 

“Well, that’s a kink I didn’t know I had,” you breathe. 

“What?” 

“Praise kink.”

“Oh,” Ellie chuckles. “What, didn’t the others… think stuff…like… that?” Ellie’s question gets weaker as she feels… Feels that they didn’t. It was never as loving, it was just shallow, physical thoughts. “I’m sorry.” 

“It’s fine. We’re together now.”

“We are,” Ellie agrees. “It sucks that you got sick, but… I’m glad this is working out for the best.” 

For now, that scared little part of you speaks up. 

Ellie’s kisses trail down, but she stops once she feels a different concern. 

“I don’t care if you’re not totally bare down there; do I look like the kind of girl who is?” 

“Fair enough,” you whisper, anxiety threatening to overwhelm you. She rests her head against your stomach, hugging you. 

We don’t have to do this. We don’t. I can try and get you sedatives, or I can sleep over at Yukio’s or Wade’s and let you deal with this on your own. But I want to, if you want to. We can still be together either way, or if you don’t want to be together, we can just try and forget about this. It’s really up to you. 

“I want to,” you reply. “I just- I really like you, and I don’t want you to stop liking me because of this.” 

“Okay. I feel pretty confident that I’m gonna feel the same way about you that I did before, it’s already getting stronger. I like knowing what’s going on in your head. I like that you know what’s going on in mine. Makes the whole communication thing a million times easier, which is good, ‘cause I kinda suck at it most of the time.”

“Okay.” 

I’m literally about to burst, please, oh, please, can we get back to it? 

Ellie can’t help but grin. 

“Yeah, yeah, of course.” 

She pulls your bottoms and underwear down in one clunky motion, you’re not really sure if your shimmying is helping or not. She props your legs open and you can’t help but cover your face, especially as her filthy and lovestruck thoughts seep into your skin. You’re blushing so hard right now, you can feel it.

“You’re- You know what I think,” Ellie murmurs. “Do you still want…?”

You nod fervently, and she chuckles. She inches down and gives a few experimental licks and kisses, humming with delight as you shudder and whimper. She finds her niche flicking her tongue against your clit at a rapid pace. 

She tastes amazing, fuck. I just need to make her feel good, she thinks. You’re done for. 

You shake underneath her, she’s like a force of nature. There’s no fighting, there’s not even a way to help. You just lay there and take it, tangling your hands in the sheets. She moves them to her hair, and you twist your fingers in it, squeezing more than you ever actually pull it. You’d hate to accidentally hurt her. 

“F-Fuck, Ellie, I…” She’s doing the absolute most, or so you thought. She slides a couple fingers inside and curls them. You’re damn near sobbing, you’re so sensitive already and then she just… You pitifully whimper and whine as you get closer and closer. “I- I-” 

She hums with satisfaction, continuing to flick and swirl her tongue furiously until you finish. And now, you’ll see how she takes it. 

“Whoa,” she breathes after working you through your orgasm. “That was…” She smiles.

“What?” you blurt. She’s still smiling. She’s smiling?! “What did you see?”

“I mean, first of all, you weren’t kidding when you said wait ‘til we climax. Second of all… It was you. It was like your mind just completely opened up and sucked me in. I don’t see how anyone wouldn’t love that. To see all of it, to know you so much better. Maybe they were just intimidated.” 

“Maybe don’t include that part in your paper.”

She grabs your hand, pressing it against her cheek. 

“Your turn. It’s okay. Whatever you want to know or see, it’s yours. It’s only fair.”

You accept her offer. She has a loving family but constantly feels overshadowed by her older sister. Her first pet was a middle-aged corn snake – her cousin moved away for college when she was ten and entrusted her with its care. It died on her fifteenth birthday and while its lifespan was normal, maybe even exceptionally long, she’s never really had a good birthday since. 

Her first crush was a girl with red hair and freckles for days. Her first love was Yukio, though she regrets never really showing it the way she should’ve when they dated. She doesn’t want to make the same mistakes with you. 

You find her mental list of your favorite things, playing through the memories of her hearing you say they were your favorite or of her simply observing the choices you make. You start taking note of her own favorite things that you haven’t discovered yet. You dig through her kinks and fantasies a little, not surprised at what you find. 

You continue to gently explore her mind, creeping down dark hallways of fear and depression and anger; traipsing through meadows of her most pleasant memories, a surprising amount of them with you. 

You slip back out, and she smiles nervously. 

“So…” she starts, but doesn’t know how to continue. 

“So,” you reply, smiling with her. “That was nice. A lot more peaceful than I was expecting, not gonna lie.” 

Ellie chuckles at that, and you get off the bed, legs wobbly but still functional enough for you to open the closet and grab the drawstring bag tucked in the back. 

You place it on the bed.

“Take your pick, it’s all good,” you tell her, but she’s still stunned at the fact that you knew where it was. “Doesn’t freak you out too much, does it?”

“I’m just surprised you went there.”

“Didn’t you?” you ask. 

“Yeah, but- But you’re- I guess what I’m really saying is that I’m still surprised you’re attracted to me, I didn’t think I’d be your type.”

“You didn’t?” 

“Well, I guess- I mean, those people you dated, I never saw them, so I didn’t have anyone to really compare myself to in terms of what you might like.”

“I like you.” 

“I like you, too,” she replies with a chuckle. “Are you still-”

“Yes, yes, dear god, yes,” you quickly reply. You weren’t gonna say anything as you’re glad to be having this talk, but the pain, the hunger has slowly built back up. “How long do you think this is gonna last?”

Ellie fishes through her bag, pulling out the one you were hoping for and spraying it down with a specialized cleaner before carefully wiping it off with a tissue. She attaches it to a harness before shucking her jeans and putting on the harness with surprising grace and speed. 

“I don’t know, but I’m here. As long as you want me.” 

You kiss her, tangling your hands in her hair. Her hands rest on your thighs, asking permission without opening her mouth. You part from the kiss to nod before resuming. She slides two fingers in, pumping them and reveling in the way you twitch and squirm with sensitivity. She pulls them out; you pout. She can’t hold back a smirk as she tastes you on her fingers, using her other hand to carefully line herself up with your entrance. 

Ellie eases in, torturously slow. You wrap your legs around her and plunge the toy the rest of the way in. 

“Needy, are we?” 

“You already know that,” you pitifully whimper, and her cocky expression fades into one of sympathy. 

“Would it be better if you got on top? So you can set the pace?” 

“Maybe later, if you get tired.” For now, I just want you to pound me until I can’t take it anymore and then some. 

A chill of excitement rolls down Ellie’s spine.

Is that so?

You nod, rocking your hips. She snatches them, and you still. She feels the way your stomach does a flip like you’re at the top of a rollercoaster; that brief thrilling moment just before racing down the track. 

She hopes she makes you scream, too. 

“Can’t do that if you don’t fucking move,” you remark, getting even more impatient. Under normal circumstances, that would earn you bondage and maybe even a smack somewhere, but Ellie knows you literally need her to fuck you as the effects of the pollen grow stronger. You may have made the remark about her not being a mindless sex slave, but she wouldn’t be surprised if you were by the end of this. 

Gladly. 

That makes her blush, before she finally gets to work. She warms up with a steady pace, but the thrusts quickly become savage, almost clumsy with how fast and hard she’s going. Every time she hits that spot, you gasp or moan or whine or whimper, nails digging into her shoulders, her back, whatever you can get your hands on as you cling for dear life. 

You get close once more, fairly quickly, but you need a little more. What you don’t need are spoken words, though. Ellie reaches for her bag and fishes out a wand, wetting the head of it with her mouth before handing it to you. The feeling of desperate gratitude flows from you to her through every inch of touching skin, and she grins, smooching your forehead. 

The hum of the vibrator is simply white noise compared to the symphony of sounds the two of you are making. Ellie already enjoys topping damn near enough to finish untouched, but feeling echoes of your pleasure only intensifies it. 

You cover your mouth as your eyes tear up and clench shut, but she tears the hand off, pinning it to the bed. 

“It’s embarrassing,” you whine. 

“What is? That you’re enjoying this?”

You pant, unable to get the words out of your mouth, but she knows what you’re saying. She returns her hand to your hip, letting yours free. 

No, not that, just… I’m being so fucking loud and shrill and my face looks so-

You know I don’t think that, she cuts off your negative thoughts. You’ll have to work on that together in the future. If you don’t believe her thoughts, maybe she’ll have to show you. Wouldn’t that be something? You reverse cowgirl in front of a mirror with her hand on your throat and another on your hip while she rocks up into you? You’d blush so much, it’d be so cute. And you wouldn’t be able to look away, she’d grab you by your cheeks and show you just how fucking sexy you are when you- 

The grip of your legs tightens around her, forcing her as deep as she can go while you unravel on that synthetic extension of her, sobbing with sensitivity. You’ve lost control again and Ellie’s right there with you, gasping and swearing and surely leaving bruises on your hips with how tightly she’s gripping them. 

“Oh, please don’t stop,” you beg. 

“Gotta loosen your legs a little, babe,” she reminds you, and you immediately do, a stunned expression on your face that confuses her. 

“You called me babe,” you coo. 

“I’m literally inside you,” she replies with a scoff, cheeks heating up even more at how ridiculously adorable you are. “One more round like that and then you’re gonna have to ride me.”

“Fine by me.”

Ellie resumes her motions from before, but this time you’re not as interactive, you can barely hold the vibrator in place, let alone do anything else. She’s fucking the life out of you and you wouldn’t have it any other way. 

She grins at that thought, taking a pause to kiss you again. 

Perfect, oh, so perfect. And all mine. 

She returns to her merciless pace, now grabbing your hips and dragging them down to meet her motions sooner. Your whole body ripples, chest bouncing up and down as she slams inside you, your moans punctuating every thrust. 

“C- C-” you pant, “Cl- Clo…”

Ellie shushes you comfortingly, not wanting you to waste your energy.

“I- Ha, I, Oh… Oh, please, Ellie, I-” your breath catches in your throat. 

“I know, baby, I know. It’s okay,” she reassures you. 

You keep panting, taking all she has to offer as loving and lustful thoughts flow back and forth between you. You hit that perfect peak with a sob of pleasure, and Ellie becomes weaker as she tries to work you both through it. Oh, that won’t do. 

Words aren’t necessary. She pulls out, and the emptiness is soul-crushing. The issue is quickly resolved by readjusting your positions as planned, fuck, it feels so much bigger like this. 

She caresses your thighs, her thoughts jumbled to the point where they’re not even words anymore, just feelings of desire and satisfaction and gratitude and admiration and… 

Love. 

Love, all-encompassing, stronger than anything you’ve ever experienced. 

“Wow,” you sigh. 

“Whenever you’re ready,” Ellie says softly. 

“I hate to rush things, this is- It’s important, y’know? Pretty clear where we stand after this, and- And I-”

“We can definitely have a do-over, if you want… But so far, we’re enjoying ourselves, and isn’t that what matters?” 

“Yeah,” you whimper. “Let me just-“

“I’ve got it,” she says, taking the still-moving wand from your hand, which is trembling just as much. “Just take what you need, babe.” 

She holds it in place for you as you rock your hips, finding that perfect angle and riding the waves. Somewhere in the haze you find her other hand and squeeze it as tightly as you’re clenching your eyes shut. 

You continue that way; words don’t need to be exchanged, just uncontrollable moans and thoughts that are sweet, dirty, or both as orgasm after orgasm washes over you. You’re drowning. 

You’re exhausted and overstimulated, but fuck, you need it. You need it so bad. 

Suddenly, though, Ellie snatches your hips, forcing you to still. 

“Y/N. Y/N, breathe.” 

“What?” you respond, panting. Oh, that’s right. That’s your name. You’d almost forgotten. 

“Lay down,” she instructs you. 

“But- But I…”

“You’re on the verge of passing out. Lay down, and breathe.” 

“I need…”

“Lay on your side. I’ll take it from here, at least for a little while,” she insists. “I’ll stay inside you so we can sleep.”

You force yourself up and off of the strap, collapsing onto the bed in a curled-up ball of pain and sobs and need. There’s not enough words to describe how it feels to be so empty, the pain is like your heart’s been put in a blender both literally and metaphorically. 

Ellie spoons you, reentering you as soon as she can get properly realigned. 

You sigh in relief.

“Is that what you need the most, babe? For me to be inside you?”

“Yeah,” you pitifully reply. 

“Then we’ll stay like this and try to get some rest.” She caresses the curve of your waist and it’s like you’re being gently electrocuted; tingling chills trickle out from every millimeter of touching skin. You shiver, and Ellie manages to get a blanket over the two of you, mostly using her feet. Normally, you’d get a good chuckle out of such antics. You’re too blissed out for it to even register, though. You were in a cold sweat before, and now you’re in a warm embrace with a blanket that feels softer than ever against your bare skin. 

She’s still shaking. She needs water, but I can’t exactly leave. But who could come here? Maybe Yukio, but that’d be awkward, even if we’re friends now. Wade? Oh, fuck no. 

“I’ll be alright,” you mumble. 

“You almost fainted. You need something in you.”

“I already have something in me,” you reply, the most adorable mix of sleepy and smug as you teasingly rock your hips. Ellie scoffs. 

“Fine. But as soon as this wears off-”

“I know,” you hum. “Let’s just sleep now. You’re- You’re a very good big spoon.”

“Thanks. Was there anything you didn’t like, aside from the obvious?”

“Not that I can think of.”

“Anything you liked in particular?” 

“Your thoughts were very sweet. And I like that you talked to me, y’know, communicated a lot and made sure I was okay.”

“That’s kind of the bare minimum.”

“I guess. What about you? Likes and dislikes?”

“Fuck, you’re… You’re perfect. That’s all I can really say.” 

And with that, you two drift off. 

You awaken to a pain that sweeps over your entire body, like thick needles piercing every pore straight down to the bone. You scream, but it’s not just physical torment.

She’s abandoned you. She doesn’t want you anymore; doesn’t wanna breed you, doesn’t wanna make you hers, doesn’t- You sob in pain, clawing at your burning, aching, itching skin as you writhe. 

The door opens. New mate? Please let it be a new mate. You need to be filled. Need it. 

“Shit, Y/N, I thought since you were asleep…” Ellie trails off, closing the door.

“It hurts, it hurts!” you wail, not really processing what she’s saying. You just need help. 

“I’m sorry,” she says solemnly, finding the toy from before and cleaning it off, only bothering to take off her pants before putting the strap back on.

“Make it stop, please,” you beg. 

“I’m trying,” she insists, but even as she lines herself up, you’re still sobbing inconsolably. She eases in but you’re still shaking, hot tears running down your face. “There we go. Can you drink this?” 

She holds a reusable water bottle. You nod. 

“Hurt so bad, thought you left me forever,” you whimper as she pushes the button to flip the straw up. She presses it against your trembling lips.

“I’d never,” she whispers. “Please drink.”

You finally take your first sip, and realize that your instincts regarding food and water must’ve been completely shut down until this moment. You take gulp after gulp until she pulls it away.

“You’re gonna make yourself sick,” she chides you, looking more concerned than ever. 

“I- I-” you pant, but you’re not even sure what you’re trying to say. The pain is gone, but it lingers in the back of your mind, like a halo of misery hovering over your skin. She puts a hand on your shoulder, and you can’t help but project the feelings you’re feeling right now, a constant loop:

fuckmebreedmeownmebitemeclaimmeyoursyoursyoursneedyouneedyouneedyou

“I know,” she sighs. “I don’t… You’re too far gone right now. We can stay like this so you’re not in pain, but I don’t think we should do what we did yesterday. Your mind isn’t as clear as it was then.”

Not a worthy mate for her? Need it, need to be filled, maybe someone else will-

She thrusts, hard. It certainly gets your attention. 

“Y/N, no. You’re- You’re worthy. You know I want you. Just not like this. Things were different yesterday, you were still… Lucid. This feels wrong. I don’t want you to regret anything we do together.”

You’re still teeming with feelings of perceived rejection, eyes blurry with tears. 

“I’m your… Mate, right? That means I have to protect you, doesn’t it?”

You nod. 

“Right now, I’m trying to protect you by not going any further than this. Reach out. Feel it.” 

You obey, wrapping your hand around her arm. She’s right. Her intentions are pure. She does still care, it’s why she doesn’t want to do more. 

“You look tired, still. I’m guessing you only woke up because of the pain. Let’s readjust so you can go back to sleep.”

Readjust? She’s not going to pull out again, is she? You couldn’t take that. You wrap your arms and legs around her tightly, keeping her in. She yelps in surprise before she sees your terrified expression and feels the waves of pure fear rushing out of you. 

“Right. How about this? Let go. I won’t leave you empty again.” You loosen the grip of your legs and she holds the dildo in, pulling away. The suction cup resists, but eventually it’s forced out of the rubber ring on her harness. You nod, this is acceptable. You’d do anything to avoid the pain. “There we go.”

She smiles sadly, stroking your hair and the side of your face. 

“You okay?” she asks. You nod again. “Can you talk?”

You open your mouth, but can’t seem to force even a simple yes from your vocal cords. Your throat doesn’t hurt, the blockage is purely mental. Everything you’re feeling right now, everything she’s feeling right now, it’s too much. You look at her woefully, shaking your head. 

“That’s okay. Can you still communicate through touch?” 

Your legs are still loosely looped around her. You can feel it all: her concern, her burning need to keep you safe, her fear that she’s doing the wrong thing, and, most importantly, her unwavering love for you. 

You try to push some thoughts her way, but they’re still scrambled. 

Safesafewarmsafeloveholdmesafelovewarmholdmesafe

“To an extent,” she says for you. “Got it.” She takes off the harness, pulling the covers over you both before pulling you into her arms. She was right, you’re exhausted. 

You wish you could say something, thank her, tell her you love her. It’s just like when you were a kid, before you even knew what your abilities were. Every casual touch throughout the day was another tooth on the locked zipper your lips became. You were nonverbal more often than not, until you got here. You feel helpless.

“I didn’t know that,” she murmurs. “But don’t worry. I know the other stuff. You’re saying it just fine like this.” 

You burrow into her embrace, still trembling. 

“Just breathe. It’ll be okay.”

What if it never stops? 

“It will. Just takes time. Oh, fuck, when’s the last time you used the restroom?”

She doesn’t wait for an answer, helping you make your way to it on jelly legs. 

“Let me know when you’re done and I’ll help you back into bed.” 

You grab her wrist.

Can’t pull it out myself, can’t do it, it’s gonna hurt too much. 

“Right. I’ll pull it out, and I’ll be right here waiting when you’re done. On the count of three, okay? 1, 2…”

You can’t help but screech. Your whole body feels like it’s on fire, why wouldn’t you scream? It sounds louder than it feels in your throat, and that's when you realize you’re still holding onto her wrist. She’s screaming, too. 

You rip your hand away and rush through the business you need to take care of as fast as you can, washing your hands and returning to her, though you collapse at her feet, shaking and sobbing.

She puts the toy back inside of you, but it’s not enough this time. You need to be bred. This alleviates the pain for the most part, but you’re filled with an indescribable tension and you know that any second, the burning ache will sweep its way over you again. 

She helps you back into bed, but you still tremble. You’re entangled with her in more ways than one, and she sighs as she feels your fears, your need. 

“I’ll move it for you, how about that?” she asks. You nod, and she reaches a hand down, sliding the toy up and down — never fully out, but just enough for you to feel it. That’s better. You sigh in relief, relaxing into her. “There we go. You’re gonna be just fine. Go back to sleep.”

I’m sorry I hurt you. 

“It’s okay. It was an accident.” But you can feel a sickly sort of feeling inside of her. 

I told you. I told you that it would ruin things. That it would repulse you. That I would. 

“What are you talking about?”

I can feel it. Don’t try to lie to me, especially while you’re doing that. 

Ellie watches the toy slide in and out of you at her hand, the way you quiver every time she bottoms out. It’s not just visual, she has a sixth sense, your sixth sense. Every little tremor sends a ripple of chills through her.

“You don’t repulse me. Your abilities don’t repulse me. I’m repulsed by myself. I shouldn’t have let it end up like this, I should’ve figured things out sooner. I’m not upset because I felt your pain in the way that you think I am.” 

Things? 

“The creature, your feelings, my feelings, what you’ve been through… What you’re going through now. I should’ve figured it all out before, it wouldn’t be like-”

Words are failing you again, but you do your best to project comfort to her. It’s really not so bad overall. Everything feels good, as long as she doesn’t stop. Most superhero couples don’t end up together in ideal ways. At least you two got to have mind-blowing sex. 

Ellie snickers. 

“Okay. If you’re sure. Now, sleep, alright? I’ve got you.”

And so you do. 

You wake up in a hospital bed under a thin blanket, wrapped in Ellie’s fluffy black robe. 

How’d you get here? You try to remember, but the last thing you do is being encircled by Ellie, and she was- Oh, goodness. You blush, remembering every filthy thing you said and did. 

The blush is even deeper as the more romantic memories roll in. Maybe there were some complications with the pollen, were you sick? Oh, gross, you were probably gushing snot in your sleep and she rushed you here, worried you’d suffocate! 

“You’re awake! How are you?” a friendly-looking man who’s probably several years older than you— but still has a somewhat youthful appearance —asks. 

“Where’s Ellie?” you ask instead of answering. Does she regret it? Oh, she does, doesn’t she? You knew it. 

He smiles knowingly. 

“I finally convinced her to go take a shower, so, of course, you immediately woke up. She’ll be back soon.”

“Um, who are you?”

“I’m Peter, I’m one of Ellie’s coworkers. Technically her supervisor, but, eh…” 

“Oh, Dr. Parker! I’ve heard of you. Good things. Uh, sorry, I’m sure Ellie would tell me if she was here, but… What happened?”

“Right! You weren’t waking up, and while Xavier’s has a pretty good medical center, there weren’t any biochemistry experts to consult… So, Ellie called me and I told her to bring you here. After a little bit of field research, we found that the creature whose pollen you inhaled quite a bit of hibernates directly after mating season. Do your sinuses hurt? We flushed them to see if that would help.”

You shake your head. 

“Good, that’s good. Still… Hurting?”

Your blush returns, and you shake your head with a bit more enthusiasm. He laughs.

“Good! Ope!” He tilts his head, and you’re confused until you finally start to hear her footsteps, too. The door opens. 

Ellie’s eyes widen at the sight of you conscious. 

“You know what they say about watched pots never boiling. Text me if you two need anything, Ellie.”

And with that, Dr. Parker steps out. 

“How are you? Do you feel okay?” 

“Given that I’m not writhing in agony and I can talk again, I’d say I’m okay. How are you?”

She stammers, before clutching your hand with great urgency. She stares down at both of her hands encircling yours. 

What if it was the pollen talking and she doesn’t really like me? What if she did like me before but feels used now? What if she’s lying about being okay so I won’t worry? I hope she wasn’t scared when she woke up. What if- 

“Anxious,” you observe. “I do like you. I don’t feel used, and I hope you don’t either. I’m really okay. When I woke up, I was just confused. I recognized your robe, so I knew I was okay.” 

She recognized my robe, so she knew she was okay. She trusts me that much? 

Of course I do. 

She looks up at you, positively beaming. 

“I’m- I’m really happy you’re okay. I think they’ll wanna check your vitals and stuff, but we should be good to go home after that, okay?”

“Okay,” you reply. 

“Er… I know this isn’t really the right order of things, but you said before… I- Do you still want…?”

Pleasebemygirlfriendpleasebemygirlfriendpleasebemygirlfriendpleasebemygirlfriendpleasebemygirlfriendpleasebemygirlfriend!

You laugh, and Ellie realizes you’re still holding hands. Her eyes widen and her cheeks flush as she snatches her hands away, crossing her arms and looking adorably shy. 

“Yeah, I’ll be your girlfriend.”

“Cool. Thanks.”