#even if she can talk 'telepathically' sometime

[cressidagrey]

Such A Mystery - Part 9

Pairing: Max Verstappen x Colette Leclerc (Original Character)

Summary:

Max Verstappen fell in love at the ripe old age of 12 and never looked back.

Colette Leclerc really regrets posting that particular Taylor Swift Lyric to her private Instagram account, because it made George Russell go insane.  

The rest of the world has absolutely no idea that the Dutch Lion and Charles Leclerc’s twin sister have been a couple for 15 years and are expecting a baby. 

Warnings: 

Pregnancy, Mention of multiple miscarriages, Pregnancy complications, George Russell Bashing (he's probably really nice in real life but in this, he's the bad guy, sorry), Jos Verstappen, We have apparently now reached the time where I also bash Ferrari. I am sure they are super nice in real life too. They are not in this.

Author Notes: Huge thanks to @llirawolf for holding my hand through this. Chapter 8 of...who knows.

It felt like forever. He knew it wasn't. It must have been minutes until the car door was ripped open and Charles slipped in right next to him.

It wasn’t until the doors were slammed shut behind Charles that Max dared to look at the Monégasque.

His heart skipped a beat at the sight. Charles was still in his racing suit just as him, the suit itself streaked with sweat.

The moment the car door closed, the car started riving.

"Merde," Charles cursed. Max could only agree. "I am sorry, that it took this long."

Max gave a sharp, jerky shake of his head. "You don’t have to apologize," he somehow managed to get the words out. "I’m just..." he trailed off, a shaky exhale escaping him. "How could you make it here so fast?" he asked, casting a quick glance in his friend’s direction.

Charles snorted. "Your press officer had a shouting match with Ferrari's,“ he said simply.

If Max wasn’t so focused on not completely losing it, he might’ve been amused with the mental image. But at the moment, he could only shake his head.

Next to him, Charles let out a sigh. "Are you alright?" he asked quietly.

"No. You?" he gave back.

"I don't have a bad feeling," Charles said quietly. “Not worse than it has been for days at least.”

Twin Telepathy was apparently a thing as far as Charles and Colette were concerned. 

Quite frankly, till this day, it still weirded Max out. They just seemed to know when the other one wasn't feeling well. 95% of the time, they got sick at the same time. They communicated more easily with each other than with anyone else, and regardless of what game they played...they needed to be put on opposite teams, because otherwise nobody had a chance against them.

Max was well aware of Colette and Charles' strange connection. Even if he didn’t fully understand it. They both had some sort of sixth sense when it came to the other one, and it sometimes felt like they were talking in secret code.

"What’s it telling you right now?" he asked, his voice barely above a rough whisper.

Charles turned to him fully at that, and Max saw the way his eyes swept over him, taking in every aspect of his appearance.

Max could only imagine what Charles was seeing. He felt like a walking wreck, and there was no doubt his appearance was mirroring that.

"Colette is in pain," Charles finally said, his voice strangely quiet. "She’s scared."

That answer felt like somebody shoved a knife into Max’s stomach. He inhaled sharply, the breath catching in his throat. “Of course, she is,” he hissed through clenched teeth.

Charles seemed to sense what he was thinking, even without being telepathically connected through whatever the hell Colette and him had going on. The Monégasque reached out and took a firmer hold of his hand, the grip almost crushing.

"Don’t," Charles said firmly, his voice leaving no room for arguments. "Don’t go there. We’re gonna get to her as fast as we can."

There was a brief moment of silence, as Max tried to collect himself. He focused all his attention on the pressure of Charles' hand on his, and somehow, it actually helped.

"I feel so goddamn useless," he finally admitted, his voice rough with emotion. "I want to be with her."

"You want to try calling her before we are in the air?" Charles suggested.

That was not a bad idea, not at all. Max let out a low and slightly shaky exhale, swallowing hard. “Yeah,” he nodded. “Yeah, I…” he had to stop and clear his throat. “Yeah, I’ll try to call her.”

His hands were shaking when he pulled out his phone out of the backpack that somebody had handed off to him, already packed. Regardless of all the drama that had gone on in the RedBull garage during the year… if it really mattered, the people in there pulled off minor miracles.

Within minutes, his entire day - hell, his entire week - had been packed for him, with all the essentials of clothes and everything else he would need.

He had almost forgotten about the phone in his shaking hands, but now he just stared at the screen for a moment. His fingers were trembling so badly that just unlocking the phone was a challenge in itself.

Jimmy and Sassy were on his lockscreen...a picture that Colette had once sent him when he had been away for one of his races...the two of them laying on top of her on their couch...

Every other time Max saw the photo, it made his heart do a little funny jump. Now though, it made his chest ache. It felt like a sharp stabbing pain, and for a moment, he just sat there and stared at the picture.

Then he called her.

It rang. And it rang, and it rang again. With each passing second, that horrible knot in his stomach tightened a little more. With every ring of the bell, it got harder to breathe.

Finally, to Max’s immense and enormous relief, the line connected.

"Hey, Maxie. I put you on speaker," Victoria's voice came over the phone, sounding surprisingly calm.

A shiver of something resembling dread ran through Max, at the sound of Victoria’s voice. But he pushed past the feeling.

His thoughts were once again running wild - was it a bad sign that Colette wasn’t the one speaking to him? Or was he just overreacting..?

“Hey,” he forced the word out past the lump in his throat. "How are you feeling?" he asked, pleading for Colette's voice. Was it selfish that he just wanted to hear her tell him that everything was going to be okay?

"Better now," Colette's voice came, sounding slightly hoarse.

The words were like a shot of adrenaline, and for a moment, Max actually felt a little lightheaded. “Liefje.” He closed his eyes, just hearing her voice sending another wave of relief through him. “Are you okay? How is Bébé?”

"Bébé has decided that they would rather be born today, so I would suggest you hurry up," Victoria said drily.

"Seems like the kid already inherited Max's need for speed," Charles quipped. "How are you doing, Coco?"

"I'm good," Colette's voice replied, and Max could only imagine the eye-roll that was currently happening. He knew his girlfriend, and he had no doubt that she had been glaring at Victoria ever since the phone was put on speaker.

"Where are you?" she asked, her voice suddenly turning much softer. "You're coming, right?"

"Coming," he assured her, his heart aching. "We're coming, I promise."

"I know. I’m not worried." She sounded like she meant it, but Max could easily imagine the anxiety in her eyes.

"You'd better not worry," Charles said, and then added, "I’m keeping him from doing anything dumb."

Max shot Charles a dirty look at that, bt he swallowed down the annoyed protest and focused back on Colette instead. “Just…hold on a little longer, okay?”

"It's not like I can go anywhere else," Colette replied, her voice slightly amused. "I’ll keep our little speed demon in there a little lo...." She broke off and let out a quiet hiss of pain, her voice once again cut off by what Max suspected to be a particularly painful contraction.

“Colette,” he said sharply, all kinds of emotions washing over him, one by one. “Liefje, just…just breathe through it, okay?”

There was a second of panting, then, he heard her take a deep breath. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay,” she finally said. “Just…hurts like hell.”

He swallowed and clenched his free hand tightly into a fist, fighting against the urge to just jump out of the car and start running towards the airport.

Colette being in pain was not something he could deal with.

He heard her take a few more deep breaths, and he just sat there, waiting and listening and feeling absolutely useless.

"How long until you get here?" she asked after a moment, her voice breathless. He could see her in his mind, his sweet girl, sitting on the bed and clutching her belly as another contraction hit her.

"We're not even at the airport yet," he told her, and damn it, why were his eyes suddenly burning. "We’ll get there as soon as we can, okay? Just...hold on a little longer."

"What your dad said..." Colette said with a shaky voice.

"I know," he said simply, the grief raw in his voice. Neither of them were ever really going to get over the two babies they had lost. They had learnt to live with the pain, they had dealt with the heartbreak an grief...but it was always going to be scar for them.

"Max, if something…" she began, her voice a little wobbly. He could tell that she was crying, by the way her breathing got a little more hitched and ragged.

But she suddenly cut off and gasped, letting out an even breath. Another contraction..."Hey, nothing is gonna happen," he quickly said, trying to soothe her. "Nothing. I'll be there soon. I'll be there before you know, and our child will meet their parents. We will be fine, we will get through this. You, and me. Together."

"If something happens," Colette continues. "If..."

"No," he cut her off, the word coming out as a growl. "Nothing is gonna happen. You will not talk that way. You’re going to deliver a gorgeous and healthy baby, and I won’t hear anything else."

"Max..." she protested, but Max wasn’t having it.

"You’re not going anywhere," he said firmly, putting as much steel in his voice as he could. "You will be fine. Our baby will be fine, and I will be there soon and I will hold your hand and you can threaten to geld me and all of it will be okay. Just breathe.” 

He could hear the sound of her breathing, deep and even. She was trying to steady it, and Max gripped his phone tighter. He didn’t know if he was trying to hold himself together, or if he was trying to hold on to the sound of her voice.

The seconds ticked by, and then another contraction hit, and he heard her gasp out another ragged breath. Max felt like he was going to crawl out of his own skin. The idea of her in pain was like an invisible knife twisting a little deeper in his gut, each time.

"We need to go," Charles said suddenly. "We need to get into the plane." The car slowed down at that moment. "Coco, listen to me. I am going to be absolutely fucking furious with you if something happens to you," Charles told her fiercely. 

"Trust me," Colette’s voice said, sounding slightly tired. "I am very, very motivated to stay alive."

That was good. That was a good sign. If she was still being sarcastic and even a little bit cheeky…it was good.

"Just hold on," he told her again, the familiar feeling of helplessness seeping into his bones. "Just keep hanging on, for me. I love you."

“I love you too,” the words were as immediate and as fast as the sunrise each morning. "Hurry up, dammit."

"I’m trying," he replied, his voice hoarse. "I’m trying. We’re at the airport now. We’ll get there as fast as we can-" he had to stop, when he heard her let out another pained gasping sound, as another contraction clearly hit her hard.

“Goddamn,” he exclaimed, all of his muscles tense with the urge to do something. He wanted to help her, he wanted to be there to comfort her…but more than anything,  he was terrified of losing her. "Liefje, just keep breathing, okay? Breathe and stay calm."

"I’m trying to," her voice was breathless, and he knew that she was probably trying hard to fight the urge to cry out. Oh God, he hated that. He hated seeing her in pain, he loathed feeling this utterly useless.

"Go. Love you," she told him.

"I love you," he told her emphatically, wanting to say something more, but then Charles impatiently gestured at him to hurry up and get out of the car. "I...I’ll see you soon, okay? Just hang on, okay?"

"Yeah," he could tell that she was trying even harder to control her voice, trying to put on a calm and steady front for his benefit. "Just..." she cut off and let out a gasp, another contraction evidently hitting her hard. "...just hurry up before this baby decides to make their way out before you arrive, okay?"

"I will," he promised through gritted teeth. "I will, goddammit, I will, just…hang on."

He heard Colette’s pained panting, and each of her breaths was like a stab in the gut.He hated having to hang up on her

Everything in him rebelled at that. How could he, how could he possibly abandon her like that, how could he let her take on this pain and fear all by herself, without him there to hold her hand...but goddamnit, he had no choice.

He took a shuddering breath and pushed past the urge to scream, to slam his fist into something, anything. His mind was a whirlwind of emotions, ranging from the desperate need to get to her, to overwhelming panic, to anger at the universe for forcing them apart and for putting her through this pain.

Into the plane they went…it was probably the shortest amount of time between entering a plane and taking off Max had ever experienced. 

Before too long they were up in the air, flying towards Nice.

The minutes ticked by, each one passing by like a century. Max would sit in restless agitation at his seat, his mind racing back and forth. Every thought and memory came back to Colette. He just wanted to be at her side, he just wanted everything to be okay…

And instead he would be stuck on this plane for 6 hours.

He would be stuck on this goddamn plane for six hours. Six hours, each one of them filled with the knowledge that the love of his life was giving birth to their child, and he was not there to support her, to hold her hand and reassure her that everything was okay.

It was driving him absolutely insane. He couldn’t take it, he just wanted to be there, with her. He could vividly picture her, sitting in the hospital bed and gripping the rails, her face screwed up in pain as she fought through another contraction. And he was not there to comfort her.

"Maman is with her. Your sister is with her. Lorenzo and Arthur too." Charles said at that moment. “We aren't there but everybody else is."

"How can you be this calm?" Max asked him, dragging a hand through sweat damp hair.

"Don't mistake calm for not being worried," Charles said evenly, his eyes tracking Max's restless pacing of the plane. "I am worried. For her, for you and for the little one. But freaking out isn't gonna do anyone any favours right now."

"I know,” Max said, his voice still strangled tight with stress. He just couldn't get any of the images out of his mind - her struggling and fighting her way through the pain, looking more vulnerable and pale than he had ever seen her...and he was not there.

“Besides, I shouted at Ferrari’s PR and got it out of my system, so currently, I am feeling quite calm.” Charles said darkly. “I imagine that’s going to change again when I am sure that Colette and the baby are alright.”

Max just stared at him. Charles had done what?

If there was a religion that Charles Leclerc believed in then it was Ferrari.

Charles Leclerc was their golden boy. Their Il Predestinato. There was no good-natured fobbing to be had about Ferrari regardless of what issues there had been had through the years, and there had been a lot.

Charles worshipped Ferrari like a malevolent goddess. He didn’t want to hear any criticism of his team and Max had given up on that a very long time ago. 

Charles and Colette both could be the most stubborn people Max had ever match. The only one who could match their stubbornness were each other. 

"You did what?" Max stared at him, utterly flabbergasted. Charles was an absolute Ferrari fan and loyal to the very core…why the hell would he yell at the PR people?

"Why...? What did they do?"

"They weren't even going to tell me that something was wrong with Colette," Charles said darkly. "I knew it. I knew that something was off. But they didn't say anything. It was one of Red Bull's PR Staff that got me out of the cooldown room. Ferrari wouldn't have said anything to me. Ferrari didn't want me to leave either. They wanted to debrief, they wanted me to give interviews,"

Max had to resist the urge to swear. He had been so focused on the fact that he was not with Colette that he hadn't even processed the fact that Ferrari had actually kept her labour a secret from Charles, simply to make him stay and do his goddamn job for them.

"You know that that is not normal, right?" he asked him drily. "I am not telling you that everything is perfect at Red Bull but Christian would never fucking stand for that."

"You know I never expected it," Charles told him, his mouth a thin hard line. "We are the drivers. We are the stars. But we come second. First and foremost, we are assets to the team. What Ferrari wants, Ferrari gets. We drive, we get podiums, we hold the trophies, and we smile for the cameras. Everything else comes second. It doesn’t matter to them. To them, only the trophies matter. "

"That's what they want," Max told him, anger seeping into his voice. "But that's not how it should be. Ferrari is wrong. If something is wrong with your loved ones, they have no right to keep it from you like that. Especially not for the sake of a goddamn interview."

"I know," Charles said, his lips thin with bitterness. "But there's not much I can do about it, is there? We may be the top drivers on the grid, but we drive the car that the teams give us. There's only so much that we can do when the team has power over pretty much every aspect of our career. And believe me, I am going to pay a fucking price for doing what I did. I just don't care at all. It's Colette," he said sharply. "I love all my siblings. I do. I love Lorenzo and Arthur. I would do everything for them. But they aren't my twin. They aren't the second half of me," Charles said simply. "Ferrari be damned."

Max hadn't thought that he was ever going to hear these words out of Charles' mouth but here they were.

"What the fuck did Jos say by the way? What did Coco mean?" Charles demanded.

"He gave an interview to Sky Sports," Max said, fury still embering deep in his gut.

"Of course he did." Charles said, not sounding surprised at all. "What did he say?"

"Confirmed the relationship...and the pregnancy," Max said clenching his teeth. "And if that wasn't enough...he made a...comment about how it had taken us long enough to have a baby."

There was a sharp indrawn breath as Charles absorbed that. "...What?" Charles said after a moment, his voice strangled. "...he made that comment in public? Are - are you serious?"

"I never told him about the two...miscarriages," Max said quietly. "I couldn't deal with whatever well meant advice he was going to have...but I...We lost two babies," Max said weakly. "My father went out there and confirmed our relationship and the pregnancy without talking to either of us. He just made that decision because it's "ridiculous" that we kept it a secret for so long. An it’s making me furious. This wasn't his decision to make. This was ours."

"Yes," Charles said, his jaw clenching. "It was. Your decision. Nobody else’s. He had absolutely no right to do that. Goddamn it, I have never liked that man, but I've never had the urge to punch him as much as I do this very moment."

"You and me both," Max said. The anger he was feeling would have been burning through him like a damn inferno if he hadn't been so worried about Colette.

"This should have come from us," Max repeated quietly. "Not from anybody else."

"It still can come from you," Charles said.

Max paused, looking up at him. "Are you saying we should..." he began uncertainly.

"You want to tell the entire world that you love my sister and that she is having your baby? You have an Instagram account and a phone with an internet connection," Charles said drily. "Tell them the truth. Your truth."

Max opened his mouth and then closed it again. Charles had a point. It was obvious what the news was going to be now if people had seen Jos's interview.

But he wanted to be the one to tell the world. He wanted it to be on his terms. He wanted it to be public but on his public terms. Not his father's.

"Are you ever going to ask my sister to marry you?" Charles asked him suddenly.

The question caught him completely off guard. "...What?" He said blankly, stunned by the change of the conversation.

"You gave her a ring when you were both 18 that you both insisted was only a promise ring," Charles said drily. "Are you ever going to replace it with the real thing?"

He thought back to that ring that still sat on Colette's finger to this day. A simply gold band with a tiny heart-shaped diamond.

He had given it to her in 2016, after his very first Grand Prix win in Spain. He had gone out and bought it that very same day to be exact.

He had bought Victoira a handbag the first time he had scored his championship points...but the first time he had won...he had bought Colette that ring.

"Apparently the baby is only going to have your surname too, because you have an agreement," Charles continued. "Do I actually want to know what that agreement was?"

"We were 18. Both our father's would have probably killed us, if we came to them and told them that we were engaged," Max said with a sigh. The Leclerc's had always been supportive of their relationship but Hervè Leclerc had very much thought that both Colette and him were far too young to get married. 

Jos on the other hand...Max didn't even want to imagine that screaming fit.  "So I gave her that ring and we agreed that..."

"You agreed that..." Charles repeated slowly, silently urging him to continue.

Max let out a deep sigh and dragged a hand through his already messy hair, mussing it up even more. "We agreed that we didn't really need a piece of paper to tell us what we already knew," he said simply. "Colette and I had been together for 6 years at that point, we already knew and accepted that we were going to be together for the rest of our lives. It was just a matter of when. So we decided that we didn't need a damn piece of paper to know that we were committed to each other. We already knew that, without a doubt," Max said simply. "It was a promise ring. To love and to cherish, till death us do part. One day we would do it properly, but till then...that ring was a promise."

Charles stared at him. "Let me get this straight. You have been married to my sister for 10 years?" he asked him sharply.

Max winced. Okay. Put like that, it sounded kinda bad. "We never had the actual wedding," he said sheepishly. "We both know it wasn't necessary for us, so...we kinda just...never got around to it."

"I mean, I did ask your father for her hand in marriage when it was clear that he wasn't going to be there...when we eventually did it properly...but...for us that ring was… It was more than enough," Max said quietly. "I knew damn well that I would be with her for the rest of my life. She knew it. We both knew it. And that ring was a symbol between us that sealed the deal. We both knew that it was going to be for forever and always. It was a promise. A promise to always stay by each other’s side. No matter how badly things fell apart around us. No matter how much the world wanted to tear us to apart. We were going to stay together, come hell or high water. We didn't need a paper to prove that to us or the rest of the world," Max said firmly.

Charles stared at him for a couple of long moments, processing this. Max was well aware that, from an outside perspective, it might sound weird. That they had been so young, but so utterly certain that they were going to spend their lives together.

But he and Colette had been together for years. And he had seen how strongly they had bonded over the years, seen what they had been able to deal with as a team, as one, and how they had come through every single thing that the life had thrown at them together.

"You two are utterly ridiculous," Charles finally said drily. "You didn't get engaged because as far as you two were concerned you already got married years ago."

Max winced a little bit and couldn't really refute it. If he were to be honest, he'd have admit it did sound utterly ridiculous, when Charles spelled it out like that.

But that just...that was how badly they had known right from the very beginning that this was it for them. They didn't need a piece of paper to tell them what they already knew.

"I'll ask her properly," he promised Charles. "I already got the ring. But Colette doesn't want to overshadow Lorenzo and Charlotte and I knew that she wasn't going to want to have a big party while pregnant so I figured I would just wait."

Charles was slightly taken aback by his words, before he gave a small smile. "She'll definitely say yes, you know," he said, the corner of his eyes crinkling with affection.

Max smiled in return. His heart ached with the thought of her. "I hope so," he said quietly, feeling like there was a hole in his chest where his heart was supposed to be. "I really, really hope so."

[gor3sigil]

I’m Trans and Insane and I’m doing fine.

[TW Psychosis, transphobia, psychophobia, medication, psych ward]

“Are you sure ?” she asked.

I remember looking back at her in disbelief, because that was certainly a question I never asked her when she came out.

“Why do you ask ?” I say.

“Dude, I’ve seen you go into depersonalization so hard you even thought you were a human soul in a robot vessel and now, you want me to trust you when you say that you, too, are trans ?”

That’s the memory that comes back to me as I fold and put in my bag my psychiatrist’s note attesting that I suffer from gender dysphoria, NOT LINKED to any psychotic symptoms. Here it goes in my folder with my prescription note, an increase - again - of my anti depressants and Xan, and my endocrinologist’s HRT prescription, increased too - finally.

I go to two separate pharmacies to pick up each prescription for two reasons:

There is only one in this godforsaken town that always had testosterone in stock.

I can’t explain to you with words the look you can get when you give back to back, to someone who, despite not being a doctor, works in healthcare, a note for trans HRT and then a note for psychiatric meds.

And I’m lucky, because I’m not taking antipsychotics anymore. Contrarily to what you could think, it doesn’t magically makes the voices and the shadowy people disappear, but it can make a mess of your head pretty bad and my doctor and I both agreed that I didn’t need more damage up here than what I already had. And no, it doesn’t make your delusions vanish magically too: in fact, I was still pretty certain that I was talking to my soul family out here in Argentine telepathically about my mission on Earth, the meds just made it more difficult to understand their voices, but the belief was still solid.

Anyways, I’m back home with the Hoy Grail I fought tooth and nails to get: a letter from the Sacred Council of Mental Sanity also known as Psychiatry that I was, indeed, a bit delulu, but also trans, and that both things didn’t play into each other. My transness wasn’t a delusion, my delusions didn’t have anything to do with being trans.

Or did it ?

Chicken or egg, you know the drill. Did I have my selves fractured before and one of the piece that shattered my brain happened to make me trans or was I just trans with a shitload of traumas in the back that made me insane ?

But don’t worry, at least, trans people when we’re together, we have each other’s back ! Right ?

“Transidentity ISN’T a mental illness !! We don’t DESERVE to be FORCIBLY LOCKED UP and MEDICATED and MADE TO CONFORM FOR OTHER’S SENSE OF SECURITY !!”

Neither do I, RIGHT ?

Oh

Or do I ?

Remember what she said, my girlfriend, right at the beginning ?

How I can’t be trusted about myself when sometimes I don’t even have a sense of self anymore or I have too much selves who fight against each other ?

And what do we say to that ?

Get treatment. Get in-patient. Take medication. And for the love of God, shut the fuck up about it, you’re giving us a bad name.

Because being trans and crazy can’t exist. It’s absurd. You have to fix one of these two things. Choose which jacket I’ll wear, and they call it a straitjacket for a reason it seems, so am I queer or am I insane ?

All I know today is there isn’t a universe in which I’m a trans without any mental illnesses, or mentally ill without being trans. And yet, I can’t tell you how many time I got asked “do you think you’d be trans if you never got through [x trauma] ?”. I. Don’t. Know. I’ll never know. And I deserve just as much agency as you get despite being mentally ill. If you don’t believe in that, don’t come yapping about “liberation for all of us”, but “if one of us is crazy they’ll all think I am too and that can’t happen”.

No LGBTQIAA+ person deserves to be told they need to be put away, to be cured, to be allowed out in the open only if they’re deemed “acceptable” by society’s standards. And no mentally ill people deserve to either.

No trans person should be going through years of counseling to have the access to HRT.

And I shouldn’t have had to threaten my own mother’s life to avoid being locked in an adult psych ward at 14.

If you ever think, for one second, that these two things have nothing to do with one another, you are far removed from history.

To hear queer people say “yeah but some mentally ill people are dangerous !” feels like you don’t even know where you come from.

And if I want to say, that me being trans is linked to me being mentally ill, or at least, that both are connected in a way, all hell breaks fucking loose.

So I’ll explain very carefully.

See, when I was young, my mind got shattered into a thousand of pieces I had to try to glue back on. All these pieces of myself broke further more down the line because I couldn’t catch a fucking break. And now, it happens that the final puzzle does not have the same face it had before. It happens that its shape changed over time, for reasons over the control of all of us who tried to build ourselves back. Now there’s a bigger picture, less pieces, a few other shadows, and me. Built from the shatters. With my own needs and afflictions.

And whoever you are, whatever your agenda might be, I will not let anyone take any agency away from me under the false pretext that I can’t know anything for myself. They say that about children, they say that about minorities, about physically disabled people, about the people they want OUT. And my trans siblings, you know that.

I came out for the first time 7 years ago, to my then girlfriend, who was the one asking the question that is the first sentence of this text. I came out a second time 3 years ago. Been on HRT, had top surgery, had psychotic breaks, got my meds changed, switch therapist.

Because I am trans and crazy. And yet, all these choices I made, I made myself. It didn’t have to be that hard to get the basic care I needed. It didn’t need to be. But it WAS. And I’m part of the lucky crowd of people who had access to out-patient treatment, who never have been locked up in ward, who managed to stay alive through meds withdrawals without medical assistance when I had no therapist.

Be very careful of when you start to put conditions on the rights you think you deserve. Be very, very careful about your definition of sanity and of how it warps the way you see people. When you start to say “I have access to that, but there’s people like X or Y who shouldn’t BECAUSE”, pause and ask yourself what led you to think this way. More often than not, you’ll find yourself playing the same mind games as the ones you swore to fight against, and when it gives them the upper hand, they won’t hesitate to come for you after that.

[rcmclachlan]

8x15 spec fic (like, how does tommy get involved with the big emergency? but also i just want tommy to have people, too.)

+

Once Buckley starts begging for help—"please, please, if there's a-anyone out there, if anyone's listening, I'm... please, they're my family"—over an open channel through deep, heaving sobs that sounded like they're being dragged out of his belly and drawing blood on their way out, Dana figures Kinard's probably already in the air and halfway to where they're holding the rogue scientist at Fort MacArthur. But to her surprise, he's still on the ground, standing apart from everyone currently clustered around Captain Melton's desk. He's aging fifteen years before her very eyes, looking like someone's stuck a pitchfork in his gut and is starting to turn it.

Kinard values privacy more than anything and would be mortified if anyone saw feel a single emotion that wasn't humor, so she looks away.

The entire crew has been glued to the radio for the last twenty minutes as though Orson Welles is the one delivering the dramatic relaying of the 118's impending doom and how it's the only thing keeping them from being charged with domestic terrorism. For the life of her, Dana will never understand how it's always them getting into these situations. There are 106 fire stations in Los Angeles; 105 of them somehow manage to avoid getting caught up in Armageddon on the regular. She's dying to know what their insurance premiums look like.

Movement out of the corner of her eye startles her into looking up again just in time to see a large, tall flash of blue storm out of the hangar and onto the tarmac.

She has to give Kinard credit. He lasted much longer than she'd expected: almost a full minute.

Dana is at least a head shorter than everyone else on the team, so it's easy for her to slip away without being noticed. Although Lucy does, of course, and Dana gently taps her fingers against the small of Lucy's back as she goes, tilting her head a little at Nico, who's standing to Lucy's left.

Lucy has always operated on Dana's wavelength, which makes working with her a genuine pleasure, because Dana never has to waste time with talking, with explaining her reasoning for anything. Lucy just seems to know what Dana needs from her. Nico's convinced they're able to speak telepathically, and sometimes Dana can't argue against the possibility.

Even now, Lucy just inclines her head slightly and disguises it by acting like she's leaning in to hear the radio better. Before Dana leaves the office, she sees Lucy nudge Nico. 

They've been grounded ever since Captain Nash disobeyed the order, and the silence that has befallen the hangar fills Dana with dread as she walks out onto the tarmac, because a quiet base means trouble. A quiet base is death.

By the time she reaches the Bell 505 that Kinard's apparently chosen for whatever he's planning, he's strapped in and about to shut the door, but she slides into the doorway before he can.

Kinard opens his mouth, most likely to tell her that she can't stop him from what he's about to do, which is patently untrue, but she beats him to the punch.

"Are you sure?"

"What do you mean? Of course I'm—"

"I mean are you sure."

She puts a little firmness into her voice, which is hard. She's not soft-spoken by choice. Her vocal cords were already weaker than normal before she joined the LAFD and fighting fires has certainly not helped. 

"It's—" Kinard swallows. "It's him. I have to."

She thinks of the Tommy Kinard from last October, who walked in every shift with a literal bounce in his step and smiled for no reason when he thought no one was watching, and how a different Tommy Kinard started coming to work mid-November. It took him weeks to start eating normally again, to lose the look in his eyes that reminded her of dead trees in standing water, to trust himself enough that he was comfortable being back in the air. 

He'd finally been on the upswing, and everyone on the A-shift had breathed a collective sigh of relief, and then last month it all seemed to come crashing down again. He'd gone home one day smiling and making jokes, and then he was back in Melton's office at the start of his next shift asking to be grounded again. 

"You'll know they'll take your wings for this," Dana says, and he nods. "Is Buckley really worth losing the sky over?" 

Dana had never been a fan of Evan Buckley's even before he took up with Kinard. He was so desperate to be liked by everyone at every scene that it made him impulsive and, quite frankly, annoying. She'd worked with him on two calls and it was like trying to wrangle a very competent puppy. 

When Kinard finally admitted he was seeing the 118's very own walking, talking billboard for Murphy's Law, Dana had been the only one at Harbor who didn't slap him on the back or offer their congratulations. She'd known exactly how it would go, and she didn't relish being right. 

Early on in the new year, she saw Buckley in Vons. He'd been loading an enormous bag of flour into his cart, and although she's certain she didn't make any kind of noise, Buckley had looked up and spotted her. After a moment that felt like a decade of staring, he lifted a hand and attempted a smile that looked painful even from where she'd been standing. She thought about returning the gesture, if only to be the polite lady her mother had desperately tried to raise her to be. Then she thought of how Kinard hadn't so much as glanced at the sky in weeks, and she turned her cart around and walked away. 

Evan Buckley has fought against his own house, the LAFD at large, and seemingly the world for everything he's wanted. The fact he didn't bother fighting for Kinard tells her everything she needs to know. She's certain about Evan Buckley.

"He is." Unfortunately, Kinard is more certain. "I'm sure."

"You will be charged with something none of us will be able to get you out of."

At that, he turns a bewildered smile on her. "Dane, why would you—I'd never expect any of you to try."

Apparently working and defying death together, not to mention countless trivia nights and dinners out, don't make a friendship. It hurts to hear.

"I know you're very attached to your whole lone wolf thing, but you do have people in your corner, Kinard." She holds his gaze and refuses to drop it. He's not going to happily walk into a federal jail cell without hearing what she'd thought was obvious all this time. "You have people who will go to bat for you."

He swallows and jerks his eyes down to his lap, then huffs a wet laugh. "Dane—"

"Which is why Nico's starting a fire in the locker room." 

That gets him to look up. His eyes are wide and red-rimmed. "He's what?"

"Or setting off the sticks of dynamite he keeps in his glove compartment. Whatever he comes up with. Aiding and abetting domestic terrorism necessitates a distraction." She lets a reassuring smile sneak out. "You've got one."

Kinard's lip trembles a little as he stares at her with something like awe, like he's been given a gift he never once expected, but she watches him visibly bite it all back in favor of reaching for the skills and fearlessness that have helped make a name for him at AirOps. She steps out of the doorway and backs up as he turns on the Bell. The explosion of air tries to ruin her hair, but the snood she put her hair into this morning holds firm. 

Through the tint in the windshield, she can see him lift a hand at her. She doesn't hesitate to lift one right back. 

When he's at least 500 feet in the air, she goes to the other Bell and gets on the radio, tuning it for the right frequency. When she lands on the same channel the call had originally come from, she patches in. 

"Firefighter Buckley, please be advised: help is on the way. Keep an eye on the skies." She thumbs off the speaker and watches as Captain Melton comes storming out of his office. As he gets closer, she clicks back in. "And let me be clear, Buckley: if you fuck things up with him again, your very talented medics at the 118 won't be able to fix what I'll do to you."

Satisfied, she places the radio back into its charging port and slides out of the Bell, then heads in the direction of the hangar. It's been quite some time since she's been in the kind of trouble that ends with being put on leave, which she most certainly will be once her voice is identified.

As Captain Melton approaches, she thinks of all the shows clogging up her Hulu queue that she'll finally be able to get to, and smiles.

[clar-a-m]

Post Canon Imodna Headcanons

While they are in the lake town helping the Ruidians with their adaptation, sometimes Imogen spends so much time talking telepathically with the Reilorans that when she comes back home she doesn’t even realize that she’s been talking to Laudna in her head for a while until Laudna points it out

Imogen checks in with people through messages and sometimes the other person has so much to say that when they respond they just ask her to come visit them in their dreams that night so they can tell the full story. Sometimes Ashton responds to Imogen’s messages in such a vague way about insane scenarios that Imogen can’t help but go visit them in their dreams so Ashton can elaborate

Every morning after Imogen visits someone in their dreams, she tells Laudna about it over breakfast. One time Laudna mentions that she loves hearing Imogen telling her stories about their friends, but she wishes she could meet them too, so Imogen asks Allura if she could make a magical item that allows them to cast the share dream spell that FCG created.

Sometimes Imogen (and Laudna) check in on Zhudanna in her dreams, but she doesn’t understand that those are real, so when they come visit her in person she tells them about all these wonderful dreams she’s been having about them.

When Laudna has nightmares, Imogen offers to go into her dreams so she doesn’t have to be alone in them. Laudna doesn’t want to burden Imogen with her traumas but Imogen doesn’t mind and wants to help in the same way Laudna helped her with her own nightmares in the past. Laudna eventually agrees and Imogen does make her dreams better.

In the lake town, Laudna mostly helps with the Ruidian children’s adaptation. The Ruidians don’t think that Laudna is anymore creepy or weird than any other creature in Exandria, and Laudna loves working with them with Pâté as her little helper.

Bromodo and cytaa children think that Pâté is like Laudna’s bonded cytaa and don’t understand why other Exandrians don’t have their own Pâté

[whateversawesome]

Spy x Family Ch. 111: Anya's Mama

So many things for such a little chapter, don't you think?

We saw baby Anya and we finally caught a glimpse of Anya's biological mother.

Something to notice is that they're both wearing hospital gowns, which makes me think they were in the lab and, because of that, we can solidify the theory about Anya being born there. It could be that her mom was pregnant when captured or that they experimented on her and she got pregnant while in that lab. A secret third option is that Anya's mom actually volunteered for the experiments (maybe she was a scientist herself or a family member coaxed her into doing it), although I find this unlikely due to her comment about the butterfly. Either way, I have a feeling we won't know for a very long time.

Mindreading or no mindreading?

Endo chose not to let us know about that explicitly. However, look at this panel:

I don't think Anya's mom is talking here. I think she's thinking this. Because of that, I do suspect Anya can read her mama's mind. She doesn't fully understand it but those words are inside her memory.

However, as you can see in the panel below, we don't see her classic mindreading sparkles. So, it' could also be that she saw her mom getting sad or nostalgic and she wanted to hug her. Kids are very perceptive of their parent's emotions.

If you ask me, I think she was born with that ability. Either her mom was also a telepath who was being studied during her pregnancy or she was experimented while pregnant and gained and passed her abilities to her daughter.

All this makes me consider that maybe Anya wasn't experimented on like many of us believed for a long time. Maybe those scientists were just studying her/observing her in order to understand and try to replicate her abilities. I'm really hoping Endo will go this route, it's less cruel. In any case, keeping someone so young as a case study is still wrong and I don't think Twilight and Yor will like this.

Anya's Mama

I'm talking about Yor, of course.

First of all, I think Endo summed up what motherhood is about in this panel:

It's not exactly that a mom can read their kid's mind, but it's something close. As a mom you get to know your child inside and out. When you take care of them, see them grow and love them with all your heart, you simply learn to "read every part of them."

That's how we know that Yor loves Anya and that she is her mom.

I don't know what happened to Anya's biological mom; she could be gone or still be alive. I'm sure we'll find out eventually. However, no matter what happens, I think Anya will always have that unconditional love from Yor.

There's a prevalent theme about motherhood in sxf: a mother as a safe place. Yor has mentioned it several times; she knows her job is to protect Anya and Anya feels safe when her mama is around (even Twilight notices this.)

I think the bond between them will get stronger as the story moves forward. Come on, it's pretty obvious Anya is Yor's baby, she's already head over heels and she decided she wanted to be a good mother since day 1. Also, a big theme in the story are bonds that are forged, and chosen family. In the story, blood ties sometimes are complicated (look at the Desmonds, for example.)

I'm not fluent in Japanese, but I am aware that Anya calls Yor and Twilight, Haha and Chichi, which is an English equivalent of "my mom and my dad", instead of just "mom and dad." In case you are wondering, Anya did call her biological mom, the right way: "mama."

At some point in the story, I think we will see Anya call Yor and Twilight, mama and papa the right way. I suspect this will be the moment when they will realize they're no longer a pretend family, but a real one. And it'll be simply beautiful 💖

A Few Questions

Whenever we learn something about one of the Forger's past, we are usually left with even more questions like:

Where's Anya's mom now?: I think either she's still a prisoner somewhere or she's dead. And if she's alive, does she know Anya lives?

How did Anya escape? She was so little! She must have had help from someone.

Who is Anya's dad? Maybe a scientist? A prisoner of war? Or was artificial insemination possible back then?

Is Anya her real name? I'm wondering if her mom called her differently. Here are some theories about her name. I suspect this will be important and I wouldn't be surprised if Anya is not her real name, almost as a foil of Twilight's name and story.

And also, there's a gap between that scene/memory and when Anya gets adopted by Twilight. We know thanks to Franky that in the year before Twilight adopted her, she was previously adopted by four different families, however, there's still a chunk of time missing.

I estimate she's probably 2 years old in that memory, she was 4 when she was adopted by those other families, and 5 years old when Twilight became her dad. That leaves 2 full years blank. Where was she during that time?

[shd1ow]

Romance can also be disastrous - Chapter two

Pairing: Kusuo Saiki x fem! Reader

-Previous part-

If you are homophobic dni with my series or blog!!!

What to expect: Crack/Comedy, Fluff, angst?, SLIGHT NSFW, Yumehara having a crush on Y/n, Y/n getting jealous

Things to know: "Saiki speaking telepathically to people/one person"

"Saiki speaking w/ his mouth"

Everyone thinking

(Sometimes) Narrator speaking

In high school love is always in the air, which is something Saiki considers entirely pointless. You knew this, hence was one of the reasons why you had no intention of confessing your feelings to him.

You knew he wasn't into romance at all, so why bother him and cross his boundaries? It just wasn't worth risking your friendship over. Though there was a huge part of you that was shoved deep into your head.

That part was you that just wanted to tell him already, a part that had been bottled up for 5 years already.

You sighed heavily as you entered the classroom with a box of juice in your hand. You took a deep breath, in and out, clearing your head of any thoughts of Saiki, in case he would hear.

As you walked towards your desk, you saw one of your classmates, staring intently at Saiki. Chio Yumehara. She was blushing and had a lovesick smile on her face.

You have got to be kidding me...

Your jaw dropped slightly and your hand bawled up into a fist, breaking the box of juice you had, and making it spill everywhere.

"Crap..!" You whispered to yourself, luckily no one noticed, well except Saiki and Kaidou. "Hey, Y/n, what's wrong? You seem upset." You saw Kaidou offer his handkerchief to you and you smiled, taking it.

"Hey...I'm fine don't worry! I'm just a little tired.." You muttered as you began to clean up the mess on the floor. "I see, fighting all night were you?" You chuckled and nodded. "That's right, thanks for the handkerchief again! I'll make sure to wash it and bring it back tomorrow."

"Well if you ever need to talk, I'm here. Okay?" Your eyes widened slightly, it was rare to hear Kaidou speak without any chunibuyo. But it was always nice.

He walked off while waving goodbye and you headed to your desk, which was right behind Saiki's. You saw him thinking hard about something, and so was Yumehara.

You figured she was trying to probably get closer to Saiki, seeing as you took a peek at her notebook, which had a picture drawn of Saiki. That confirmed your suspicions, she did in fact, like Saiki.

You looked down at your desk before plopping your head down onto it and closing your eyes. You really didn't have enough energy to deal with this.

✿

"Hey wake up. I need your help." You looked up to see Saiki, who was towering over you. "What..?" You asked with a groggy voice. Saiki rarely asked for help, ever. But you figured it was probably something important.

✿

"What do I do again?" You asked Saiki. He had led you to a random hallway, without giving you any information. "Just walk over there and turn the corner."

You sighed and started to walk, Why does he even want me to do this? What's happening..? As you reached the corner you bumped into something or someone. "Ow..!" You fell to the ground and saw papers flying everywhere.

"Oof..!" You heard someone say, looked up only to see Yumehara, who was rubbing her head in pain. "Oh my gosh! Yumehara! Are you okay? I'm so sorry!" Yumehara gazed up at you and her face fell in disbelief.

Why does she look like she's disappointed...? You thought before handing her all the papers you had picked up. "Thank you..and don't worry about it, that was my fault.." She muttered before getting up and walking away.

Saiki suddenly appeared from nowhere, "Saiki..what the hell was that about?" You glared up at him, getting up and crossing your arms.

"You know already, don't you?" You scrunched up your face in confusion. "What do you mean?" But then it hit you and you could feel your face heat up. The moment in the classroom when you were jealous of someone else having a crush on Saiki.

"Pfft...that..I dunno what..I was just..-"

"C'mon, we don't have much time.." He took your arm and dragged you back into the classroom, leaving you completely dazed and still a red mess.

✿

"Oh God..she's gonna hate me for this..! You owe me big time!" You huffed out to Saiki, "I'll get you whatever you want, alright? I'm sure she'll find someone else to like soon enough."

You groaned before you saw Yumehara enter the classroom. You quickly ran away from Saiki as she walked in front of him, dropping her handkerchief in the process.

"Oh my goodness, that's really bizarre-" Before she could finish you interrupted her. "Oh Yumehara! You dropped this, here you go!" You picked the pink handkerchief off the ground and handed it to her with a smile.

You saw her glare slightly but she was also trying to keep a smile, "T-T-Thanks..." She grumbled before taking it from your hands and walking off in a pout.

Then, it was your turn to glare, but at Saiki, who looked away. Leaving you muttering angrily to yourself.

I mean I can't lie..even if I'm kinda mad at him at least doing this will probably have her not like him anymore..which is..good.. I guess.

You thought before sitting down at your seat, though it seems you forgot yet again that a certain psychic was just a couple of feet in front of you...

✿

Undeterred, Chio continued on her mission to engage Saiki, however, every one of her plans failed thanks to you, without anyone telling you to do so. Since Saiki only asked you one more time to fail her plans and the rest you accidentally did on your own.

✿

It's raining hard.. good thing I brought my umbrella, or else I'd be soaked. You chuckled to yourself as you put your school shoes away back into your locker and grabbed your umbrella.

You walked out the front doors of the school, only to see Yumehara, standing there on her own. You didn't think twice before going up to her.

"Yumehara! What's wrong? Are you waiting for someone?" You asked, she turned around with a small, "Huh?" Before replying properly.

"O-Oh! N-No..I forgot my umbrella and I think I'm just going to wait for the rain to die down a bit before running to my house quickly.." She smiled sheepishly at you before frowning.

"Here." You handed her your umbrella and her eyes went wide for a second, but then turned into a mess. "W-What! No way! I could never do that to you! I'll be fine I sw-" You interrupted her by taking her hand and placing the umbrella in it.

You put your school bag over your head and ran into the rain before looking back and smiling at her. "Don't worry about it! A pretty girl like you shouldn't be running home in the rain!"

She saw you run off before she held her chest, her face was pink and she had a shocked look on her face.

No one has ever done this for me before...let alone someone as nice as her..and I've never felt like his before! Especially not towards any boys! Heck, even girls......I think I just found my soulmate!!!

Saiki's face dropped, in pure shock as he stood on top of the school. He was going to use his powers to make the rain stop, so Yumehara wouldn't try to share his umbrella with her. But you came along and made her fall in love with you instead.

He was not expecting that...

✿

The rain stopped as you were running and you came to a halt, catching your breath as you did. "Dammit..I'm definitely going to get a cold tomorrow...!"

You then felt a warm hand on your shoulder and you were suddenly in your room. "W-What the..?!"

"Calm down, it's just me." A familiar voice said behind you. Stepping back, you looked to see the pink-haired boy himself. "First off, why were you following me, second of all, why did you telepor-" You interrupted yourself by sneezing loudly and sniffling, wiping boogers off your nose with your sleeve.

"That's why, you're going to get sick if you don't shower right now."

"Oh, who made you the boss of me, huh? I can shower when I wa-" Again you were interrupted but this time by Saiki teleporting you to your bathroom. "Good grief..stop your whining and just shower."

He closed the door behind him, leaving you in your bathroom. You groaned but listened anyway and started undressing.

Meanwhile, Saiki was in your living room, debating on telling you about Yumehara's feelings towards you. He feels it's important to tell you but then again, this was something Yumehara probably didn't want you to know.

In the end, he sighed and decided it was best if you didn't know, or to let Yumehara tell you herself...

You were in your room, petting your cat and scrolling mindlessly on your phone when it started to buzz. You saw Saiki calling you, it was a very rare occurrence when he did because you actually got to hear his voice and he couldn't read your thoughts most times.

You'd be lying if you said you didn't sit up immediately and start to fumble with your phone as if you were playing hot potato. Your heart was starting to beat faster and your hands were starting to sweat too.

But, a deep breath in and a deep breath out helped a little before you answered the phone, "H-Hey Saiki..whatcha need..?" You answered timidly.

"I know I've been asking you for a lot of favors but this will be the last one in a while.."

For a while you didn't respond, shocked to hear how much Saiki's voice changed over the years. The last time you heard him actually talk was in middle school. And then he decided it was best to just not talk with his voice at all, using telepathy to talk to everyone now.

You slipped out of your trance after your cat meowed to you, calling your attention back. "H-Huh? O-Oh um sure whatever you need I don't mind doing favors for you y'know? It doesn't bother me-"

"Well it bothers me, anyway look, Nendou asked me, well no, my mom forced me to go to the beach with him, and I don't want to stay with just him and Kaidou."

"Right, and you want me to come along with you? Sure, I don't have anything planned. But I'm kind of surprised, aren't I just another nuisance, as you'd put it?" There was teasing behind your tone, and you chuckled slightly.

But despite your laughing, you couldn't stop thinking about his damn voice. How deep it has gotten, it was so much different from what you usually hear.

Your mind was wandering off into more about his voice..the things he could get you to do with just a couple of little words out of his mouth. God..what would he sound like during s-

"You definitely are one but it'll be less annoying with you there to get me away from all the other nuisances."

"Fine, I'll go. It's not like it won't be fun. Let me just get ready and I'll meet you guys there, okay?"

"All right, also, stop thinking lewd things about my voice. Or else I'm never using it again."

With that, he hung up, and you were left dumbfounded. You thought he couldn't read your thoughts right now, but then again your houses weren't that far away from each other.

It was honestly more embarrassing that he caught you thinking things like that...You were too distracted in the conversation to stop yourself from thinking whatever you wanted.

You hid your face your hands in embarrassment, and wanted to just disappear. But the beach awaited you.

✿

"Hey Saiki.." You muttered as you came up behind him. The look on your face said you didn't want to be here right now. And honestly so did your thoughts.

I can't even look at him.. I mean he probably doesn't care but I overstepped! He doesn't like nor care for any sort of love. Stupid thoughts! Ruining everything..I should've just faked sick..it would've been believable too since I ran in the rain yesterday..now I gotta deal with the embarrassment of th-

"Hey, L/n! Check out Kaidou, he can't swim! Can you believe it? C'mon tell L/n how afraid you are of the water!" Nendou said, laughing and teasing Kaidou.

You groaned slightly and sighed. You were still in your regular outfit, your swimsuit under. You were honestly a bit insecure about being so naked. It wasn't like your swimsuit showed much skin but the last time you went to the beach was when you were around 12.

"N-No..! That's not true! I know how to swim you jerk..! I-Im not afraid of the water..!!!" Kaidou walked up to the ocean and stepped slightly into the water, before you were suddenly behind him and pushed him in.

To your surprise, he was..kind of drowning? Not really, he sure did act like he was though. He was barely an inch into the water. But flailing his arms and legs around, screaming and yelling in a high-pitched voice.

"Drowning in inch-deep water isn't easy..." Saiki said to you, you turned to him before walking off. "I'm going to change, be right back.."

Saiki looked at your leave, and to be honest, he felt kind of bad, for invading your privacy during the phone call.

It's not like it bothered him you thought things like that, he knew you liked him and you guys were both in high school, hormones everywhere, so, he didn't care. Sure it was surprising when he heard you think things like that about him here and there, but as said before, it doesn't bother him. Mostly because you try to not think of those things about him, you feel extremely guilty about it and he knows that.

✿

You looked at yourself in the mirror and felt like throwing up, but you decided to suck it up and go out anyway. What else were you going to do? Not go out?

You sighed heavily and walked out, wearing your bathing suit, making your way to where everyone else was, and it looked like Hairo had joined all of you.

Looking around you saw Nendou trying to talk to some girls, Kaidou was surrounded by girls, who were saying how cute he was and touching his spikey hair, and Hairo saved Kaidou after Nendou buried him in the sand.

As for Saiki, he was nowhere to be found. "Hey guys, where's Saiki?" You asked all three of them. "Dunno, I think he went to the bathroom or something," Nendou replied.

You nodded and sat on the towel he was on before. Everything was peaceful for a moment before you heard screaming from a girl, you looked over to see her drowning..?!

"Hey hold on a sec! That girl's drowning!" You yelled out and ran off to go save her. Nendou was already on his way, but you decided to go anyway, just in case.

"Kaidou, I'll go rescue her and you go get Hairo!" He yelled out, but Kaidou was next to him, swimming just fine. "oh so you can swim..!" He added but Kaidou didn't realize he was swimming until Nendou pointed it out, leaving him to stop and start to sink into the water.

Now Nendou was carrying Kaidou, while also swimming towards the girl. "Nendou! Don't worry about her I got it! Just take care of Shun..!" He nodded before you got to the girl, who was rapidly sinking. You grabbed her arm and put her on your back.

She was a lot lighter than you expected and as you quickly swam to shore you realized why. Kusuo! Of course..! I have to thank him for this later...

✿

The sun set quickly and the girl was now well and alive, "Thank you for saving my life. I appreciate it, and hey, thank you too for trying, sorry I joked about how ugly your face is..." You smiled and Nendou nodded.

✿

You smiled as you walked next to Saiki, along with Kaidou and Nendou. "I'm glad you didn't ask for her number in return for trying to save her life," Kaidou said to Nendou, you nodded in agreement.

"Hm, I try to be a gentleman, but if that hottie fell in love with me I'm not gonna try and turn her down" He smirked, you heard Kaidou whisper something and Nendou got all mad.

But you weren't really paying attention, your attention was more focused on the beautiful sunset that was in front of you.

"You aren't mad?" Saiki asked you, which caused your mind to lose its train of thought. Huh? What are you talking about?

"Nendou basically got all the credit for just trying to save her, but you actually did save her."

Oh, that. No, it doesn't bother me at all, she's safe and that's what matters, and thank you for helping too, without you, she would've died.

He nodded in return, "Oh right...by the way, I'm sorry for invading your space earlier, I can't help what I hear but I shouldn't have brought it up. I just want you to know, it doesn't bother me..so don't feel like you need to shove your thoughts deep into yourself..."

You stopped and he saw your eyes go wide and your face went red, you were muttering out nonsense that he couldn't understand.

Good grief..I should've just kept that to myself...

It was very rare for you not to walk with Saiki to school, but you had woken up way too late and by the time you did, you figured Saiki was already at school.

But as you ran past Saiki's house, you caught a glimpse of pink through the corner of your eye and immediately stopped.

"...Saiki..? Why are you-"

"Hurry up, we're already late enough." You blinked in surprise for a moment before nodding and walking along with him.

Luckily his house and the school were only about a 5-minute walking distance so it wouldn't take you guys long to get there.

As you walked quickly next to each other, you couldn't help but think why he would wait.. you've never woken up late for school, so you had never been in this situation before.

Never in a million years would you think that Saiki would wait to walk with you, even if you two were very close.

"I waited for you because my mom would be a pain if I didn't. Can you think a little quieter now?"

You jolted up a bit in surprise but sighed, "What's got your panties in a bunch?" Yes, Kusuo always did seem angry or annoyed but usually, he wasn't. Today it was different though, it looked like he was genuinely mad.

He didn't respond though and just continued to glare, not even sparing you a glance. "Fine, don't tell me. Just don't be rude to anyone else who cares about you."

He finally looked at you, with a bit of a shocked look. But you were already walking ahead, leaving him.

✿

You walked into the classroom alone, as Saiki trailed behind. You sat down at your seat with a sigh, hoping to relax at least a little bit before class began.

But of course, that wasn't the case. You heard loud yelling coming from across the classroom, looking up, you saw it was a bunch of boys panicking while surrounding Teruhashi.

"You've got a crush on someone?!"

"Teruhashi is this a joke?"

"Is it one of us?"

Teruhashi looked extremely nervous, trying to calm all the boys down, (although she was failing miserably). "It's someone I ran into over vacation..."

You felt yourself tense up at that, now it was your turn to be annoyed. Every single time Teruhashi even mentioned liking Saiki you felt all your thoughts turn into jealousy.

You tried not to be because honestly, you were never really a jealous person. You felt there was no reason to be, it only caused problems after all.

But it was so hard trying not to be mad when goddam Teruhashi liked Saiki, the most perfect, pretty, loved, girl there was in the whole universe.

With Yumehara liking Saiki you were jealous, sure. But you didn't hate her, unlike the girl who was right across from you.

You saw her staring at Saiki and you stood up, about to leave to compose yourself, before Teruhashi started up again

"It was the sixth of August when I first fell in love with him.." She closed her eyes and smiled as she spoke, raising a finger.

Yeah, and I've been in love with him for years, try it and come tell me it's all rainbows and sunshine, Teruhashi.

"I remember seeing you that day too, and the guy you were talking with..was Nendou!!" Someone chimed in, you were confused for a second before realizing she probably spoke to him after you had left her.

"YOU ARE WAY OFF IDIOT!" She yelled out, causing the group of guys to jump in fear. It was a surprise to everyone, even to you.

But Saiki had told you what Teruhashi is really like, hence the reason he doesn't like her. So was it really a surprise she burst out like that?

She quickly got back to her persona and started acting all sweet again, lying and telling the guys it was some Russian exchange student.

You groaned slightly in frustration before walking out of the classroom. It was best for yourself if you got out of that room.

✿

"Hey, Y/n!" You heard someone call out to you, you were standing in front of a vending machine that was located near your classroom, this is where you usually went when you needed a drink to calm you down.

"Oh Shun, what's up?" You smiled softly as he ran up to you. "Look, I know this is out of the blue, but will you come with us to spy on Nendou?"

"Huh? Spy on Nendou? Also, what do you mean by 'us'?" He pointed behind him and that's when you saw Saiki.

Your face fell in slight annoyance but you decided to keep talking to them instead of making up some lame excuse.

"Nendou's been acting weird today, don't you think? He'd usually be asking us to go eat ramen with him or do something after school. But he's been real quiet."

You thought for a moment before nodding in agreement, "Now that you mention it, yeah he has been acting strange..alright I'll go with you guys."

Kaidou smirked, before walking away. "Right after school you two! Don't forget!" You smiled before turning back to Saiki. Truth be told, you were trying to figure out if he was still mad. All of a sudden, you remembered something.

You took one of his hands, it startled him slightly but he didn't pull away. You revealed your other hand, which was behind your back, bawled into a fist, and handed him a handful of something.

You took your hands away from his and he stared down at what you gave him, a small bundle of mini coffee jellies, there were about 4 of them.

"Here, take these and stop pouting. If you ever want to talk, I'm here." You mumbled out, he could see the faint blush on your cheeks and he could definitely hear your loud thoughts.

Which consisted of rambling and screaming, he wished he could turn off his telepathy at that moment. But then again, when doesn't he want that?

"Thanks..I really do owe you." Saiki still had to repay the favor you did for ruining Yumehara's plans, going with him to the beach, and now this.

He absolutely hated being in debt to someone, it didn't matter who, he hated it. And you knew this, so you always tried to reassure him. "Don't worry about it, it's no big deal to me. And if you really want to repay me that badly, I'll come up with something. But only if you really want me to."

"Yeah, please do. It's going to bother me, even more than Nendou does. Speaking of, we should probably head back to class."

You nodded in agreement before slightly smirking at him."What now?"

"Nothing. Just thinking about how much of a softie you are."

✿

"His house isn't this way....he's got something going on.." Kaidou whispered to you and Saiki, as you all hid behind a wall.

As planned earlier, you were all trailing Nendou. Kaidou was in some weird disguise, on the other hand, you were in your regular school uniform, and so was Saiki.

"Why are you so excited by this?" Saiki asked him, but instead of responding he struck a weird pose.

"And what's with the outfit? It serves no purpose other than sticking out." You added, though usually you weren't one to judge Kaidou's actions, the disguise seemed a bit much.

"Shut up you two! Hey wait...what's he looking at?" You looked to see him smiling at a little girl with her dad. His smile was awful, scary in fact. He looked like a weirdo.

"Creepy!"

You all said. "I don't think that thinking the same thing is good.." You mumbled, Saiki nodded.

"Nendou has a thing for little girls?!" Kaidou asked you both, his face looked creeped out and worried. "Doesn't look good...we should probably call the police.."

"Hey, check it out, he's going into a store." You pointed at him, it was strange so it interested all of you.

Nendou went in and very quickly came back with a bouquet of sunflowers.

"Looks like a flower boutique, don't tell me he's got a girl-" Kaidou was interrupted by you and Saiki.

"No not Nendou.."

"Definitely not..."

Nendou started to walk off, all of you following him as he did. He stopped and smiled at another little girl, who was smiling with her father.

"Another one?!"

"That's just gross.." Kaidou muttered under his breath, honestly you didn't want to believe this situation. It's just not like Nendou.

"We'll confirm it after we call the police."

"Hey hold on, I feel like we need more proof, I mean c'mon, lots of people like sunflowers, and it's natural to smile when you see a cute little kid right?" You argued, it really didn't seem like Nendou to be a creep.

Kaidou thought for a moment before agreeing, "Y/n's right, all that is perfectly normal, we can't just stop there without any more evidence!"

"Good point, let's not be rash.."

✿

After following him for a little while longer he went into another shop, "Where's he headed no-"

Kaidou suddenly interrupted you as he looked up at the sign of the store, a cake shop.

"CAKES..?! WOMEN AND CHILDREN CAN'T RESIST SWEET TREATS! SO WHEN YOU COMBINE A WOMAN AND A CHILD YOU GET A LITTLE GIRL!!" He yelled out, pointing to the store and looking back at both you and Saiki.

"Now you're jumping to conclusions.." Saiki said trying to stop Kaidou. But it didn't work, he kept going on and on.

"Kaidou-"

"HAVE YOU EVER SEEN NENDOU EAT THAT? OR LIKE FLOWERS! IT WAS ALL MEANT TO BE GIVEN TO SOMEONE BUT HE HAS NO GIRLFRIEND TO GIVE THEM TO!!!"

Jesus, make him stop Saiki..

"If I could, I would've already. Trust me"

You sighed in frustration, all this kind of seemed pointless now that you were actually thinking about it. Sure, it was a little creepy, but you were sure there was a reasonable explanation.

Kaidou went on about how Nendou was using the cake and flowers as bait to try and get little girls, but the more he talked the more it sounded like an unreasonable theory.

Nendou came out of the cake shop, holding a small pink box.

"Bummer..they were all out of shortcake..oh well. It's not like anyone will ever eat this.." You all heard him say, he smirked and chuckled as if he was some cartoon villain. It creeped all of you out and made Kaidou freak out even more.

"If it's not for eating it must be bait!" He yelled out and ran off to Nendou. "NENDOU!!!" Nendou turned around in confusion, all he saw was Kaidou running to him at full speed. Everyone was staring.

"YOU'RE SECRETS OUT!! HOW DARE YOU HURT LITTLE KIDS??!!! YOU MONSTER!!" He started punching him, but it sounded like little squeaky balls were hitting Nendou instead. It was no secret that Kaidou wasn't strong but this was surprising to you and Saiki.

"Is that what his punches sound like?"

"Wait..what secret? Do you mean my dad?" Kaidou stopped and you facepalmed. It went quiet for a while, all of you in a bit of shock, Saiki and you weren't as shocked as Kaidou though.

✿

"He's dead?" Kaidou asked as all of you stood in front of Nendou's dad's grave. By now the sun had set and there was no one around.

"I visit him on the anniversary of his bus accident," Nendou explained, you looked down at the grave again, and then back at everyone else.

I knew it wasn't something bad. Nendou is genuinely a nice guy, he wouldn't do anything creepy. He definitely needs to work on his smile though...

"But the flowers and the cake?" Kaidou mumbled out, it was clear he was kind of sad that all his sneaking around was really for nothing.

"Respectful offerings to the dead! It's normal to bring cakes and flowers to a family grave!" Nendou held up the box of cake and smiled.

"To think Nendou's lecturing us on normal.." You heard Saiki's voice but he quickly turned it off once he realized he was still talking to you telepathically.

What's the harm in showing what you're thinking? That's not fair y'know?. You know every little thing I think but when it comes to your thoughts I can't know even a little.

"Yes because they're my thoughts, also how many times do I have to tell you I can't turn off these powers.."

You pouted slightly but sighed and let it go. He was right after all. Like always.

"When did your dad die, Nendou?" Kaidou asked, snapping you out of your thoughts.

"Well, it was before I was born. He died trying to save a little girl who'd run in front of a bus..huh maybe that means he was into little girls.." You cringed at the last part, and so did everyone else.

"Uh..hope not.." Kaidou said, chuckling awkwardly. "That's a dark joke.."

"So if he died before you were born, he must've been pretty young.."

"He was only 18 or 19 years old, here look! I got his picture!"

"Hey, this is just a picture of you!"

"Nah it's him! My mom says I look more like him each year! Weird..!"

"You don't look like him you're, the same!"

Kaidou and Nendou talked and argued a little back and forth. Saiki stayed quiet but you chuckled a little as you heard their bickering.

They really do look alike, it's kinda scary that they look almost like twins. But Nendou has a scar over his left eye, and his dad has over his right. That's a scary thought on its own since they can only be told apart because of one thing. Right, Saiki?

You looked over and saw him up at Nendou's dad's grave, he looked mortified, extremely mortified for that matter. "Hey guys, wanna go get some ramen!?" Nendou called out to you two as he and Kaidou were already walking off.

"Saiki..? What are you looking at?" You asked in a bit of a shaky voice, you weren't scared, you were worried. Seeing Saiki shocked or scared was something you never saw. Ever.

✿

Walking with Saiki alone almost always consisted of awkward silence. But it was different today, Saiki was thinking, and hard. It was obvious, he had his hand on his chin and everything. You'd laugh if you weren't so spooked.

"So are you gonna tell me what you saw..?" As he was about to answer, you reached his house and he saw a piece of mail sticking out.

"Mail?" He took the envelope and it was addressed to him. "What is it?" You peeked over his shoulder and your eyes widened as you read the letter.

"To Mr. Kusuo Saiki, I am someone who knows you're a psychic."

"......."

"What...."

Next part -> Romance can also be disastrous - Chapter 3 -Coming soon-

Summary: You and Saiki figure out who sent the letter, and it appears it's some kind of psychic who can see ghosts? You're happy to meet another psychic but Saiki is the opposite. Maybe he's thinking something weird? Who knows. Later, Saiki discovers a cockroach in his house and freaks out, but luckily you come over to save the day..with your cat! But that's not all, Yumehara apparently got a boyfriend to try and get over you, and for some reason, Saiki helps..could he be jealous?

A/N: OH MY GOSH I'M SO SORRY THIS TOOK OUT LONGER THAN I SAID IT WOULD, LIFE THREW A BUNCH OF CURVE BALLS MY WAY AS SOON AS I PUBLISHED THE FIRST CHAPTER. SO SORRY AGAIN FOR THE DELAY, BUT I HOPE YOU LIKED THIS CHAPTER! THANK YOU ALL FOR THE SUPPORT😭💗

[xxchumanixx]

Thought Contagion

Bucky Barnes x reader

Summary: After a one night stand he ghosted you. When forced to talk, the lines slowly start to blur. Warnings/Tags: hurt, angst, fluff in the end, mentions of a one night stand, reader has the ability to communicate via thoughts and move objects Word count: 4.397 Authors note: I just love him. Do I need to say more? It's 4 am, and I'm dead. So this might make no sense at all, but hey I somehow managed to write this delusional on tiredness.

Dr. Raynor's office

The clock on the wall ticked steadily, almost matching your heartbeat.

"Did you dream of him again?" she wanted to know, eyes closely watching you.

"No, I haven't dreamt of him in a long time now... but he contacted me." you gave back, fingers interlocked, fumbling with each other.

"Did he call you? Text?"

"No, he contacted me through my thoughts."

"That he can do?"

"When the will is there, yes."

"There has to be a deep connection between you for him to do that."

"No... not anymore."

"So there was a connection."

"Was. It doesn't exist anymore."

"What happened between you two?"

"We slept with each other. And after he left without me noticing, I never heard of him again."

She nodded to herself, carefully considering what you told her.

"Do you have feelings for him?"

"I've had feelings for him for almost ten years now."

You knew it wasn't right, not like this. When you first saw him, it was at the museum, Steve telling you everything about him. How brave he was, courageous and caring. How he looked after Steve, when no one else was left.

You developed feelings for someone who didn't even exist anymore, at least that was what everyone thought.

Who would have known, that he was still alive, breathing and killing.

"Do you know him this long?" she asked, head tilted.

"No. I met him, after Steve brought him back. I was there, when they brought him to Wakanda and I visited him during his rehabilitation. Then, when Thanos blib'd us, he was gone. And after he returned a few months ago, it just happened. I don't know if it was frustration, after Steve left us, or what else it was, but we lost control for a moment."

"Control over what? Your feelings?"

"He doesn't have any feelings for me."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Why do you think he ghosted me?" you chuckled dryly, brows furrowed as you looked at her like she was an alien.

You had to bite your lip not to snarl at her, send biting words her way. She was only trying to help you, had been for a few months now.

But sometimes, she didn't seem to understand you.

"Maybe because he was scared? Didn't know how to handle his feelings?" she suggested, cocking a brow.

"No, James Barnes doesn't have such feelings - only sadness and anger." you told her, the bitter feeling of guilt stinging on your tongue.

"Was it these feelings, that led to him sleeping with you? His anger, his sadness?"

"A moment of weakness, nothing more."

She wrote something into her notebook, before she tapped her pen on the paper. "What did he want?"

"He wanted me to help him."

You flinched, when suddenly a sharp pain tore through your head.

What the hell?

"Y/N?"

You believed you heard a voice, one that sounded painfully familiar.

"Y/N?" There it was again, and you sighed shakily, feelings starting to mix in a dangerous cocktail. "James?" you answered in a thought, eyes closing, as you tried not to betray your feelings with a quiver of your voice.

It must have taken him a lot to contact you through your thoughts.

You were a telepath, able to communicate via thoughts, as well as moving objects through the air. But it took a lot of willpower, to contact you through your thoughts, especially when it was over such a great distance.

And by someone like James Buchanan Barnes.

"Oh thank god." you heard him mumble, as your belly churned.

After you've spent the night together and he left, you hadn't heard from him. Why would he contact you like that of all ways? Why contact you at all?

"What do you want?" you returned coldly, teeth gritted, as you sat up in bed. You were just about to sleep, already tucked under your covers, when he contacted you.

The anger bubbling up in your stomach made it hard for you to concentrate, but the curiosity was the slightest bit stronger.

"I need your help."

Eyes widening, you fumed. Hands clenched into fists, the books in the bookcase started to rattle, trinkets threatening to tumble over.

Oh, the nerve he had - he had to be fucking kidding you.

"You need my help?" you seethed, not able to contain the angry chuckle that escaped your lips. "You have to be kidding me."

It was silent for a few moments and you started to think he might have cut the connection, when you heard him sigh.

"I-" he started, but was cut off by another voice. "What are you doing?" you heard the voice ask - Sam. "Are you praying or something?"

You could basically hear Bucky's eyes roll in their sockets, as he sighed angrily. "No, I'm not." he retorted, scoffing. "I'm-" he cut himself off this time, most likely rubbing the stubble on his chin. "I'm talking to Y/N."

It was silent for another moment, before you heard Sam again. "How? Where's your phone? Or are you communicating through prayers?"

Rolling your eyes, you shook your head.

"Forgot that she can communicate via thought?" Bucky gave back, sounding fed up. "That's possible?" Sam sounded surprised. "Over this distance? What do you want from her anyways? Thought you guys aren't talking."

Cocking a brow you huffed, and you heard Bucky stutter incoherently, eventually finding his words. "No- I-I mean, yes. We need her help if we want to find them!"

"Find whom?" you wanted to know, scrambling for the laptop that was under your bed, flipping it open, despite your better judgement. "What happened anyways?" Sam questioned, his curiosity getting the best of him.

Since when were they teaming up?

"Did you hear about the group 'Flagsmashers'?" Bucky asked, focusing back on you. "Of course, do you think I live under a rock?" you scoffed in return.

He rolled his eyes, you swear he did.

"Well, they plan something big and we can't find them." he explained, ignoring Sam who was still demanding an answer. "We need satellite pictures or video or whatever. Sharon can't hack into them."

"Sharon?" you retorted, huffing. You hadn't seen her since she had to flee, now knowing why. She must have holed up wherever Sam and Bucky where. "What makes you think I have access to satellites wherever you are?"

He hesitated, as you grew impatient.

"And what exactly makes you think I'd help you?"

He must have been very desperate if he contacted you of all people.

"After all I thought we weren't talking?"

He was frustrated, you could tell. You could feel it seeping into your bones.

"They are killing dozens of innocent people!" he explained, anger and frustration filtering through his voice. "Could you please help us? I wouldn't ask if I had another option."

I wouldn't ask you of all people.

"Already on it." you mumbled, as you were already typing on your laptop, telling yourself you were doing this for the innocent people he mentioned, ignoring your aching heart.

The group he was talking about was all over the news lately, gathering more followers each day. They were a threat, and no matter how much you despised talking to Bucky, you knew you had to help them.

Going through the various pictures, you scanned them for the group. "Found 'em." you announced, zooming in on a picture.

"I'll send Sam the location."

Bucky made a noise like he wanted to protest, say something like 'Why not sent it to me?', but he must have remembered that you weren't talking.

"Thank you." you heard him mutter, before he abruptly cut the connection, leaving you wide awake.

Closing your eyes you tried to hold back the tears. It was pointless crying over him, you did for a while now.

It never changed anything for you.

But, as Bucky was forming a plan with Sam, he could hear it clear as day - the single sob that managed to spill, leaving him wondering if he really heard it, or if he just imagined it.

"Did you help him?" Dr. Raynor asked, brows furrowed. She as well had heard about the group of terrorists, and she had talked to Sam and Bucky not long ago.

"I had to." you retorted, huffing.

"Why? Because he asked you to?"

"Because it was the right thing to do."

"Because of this group they are trying to stop?"

"Yes."

She nodded to herself, biting her cheek.

"How do you feel about John Walker being the new Captain America?"

Your eyes snapped to hers, hands stopping their trembling. "Don't call him that."

"Why not? Doesn't he fit your expectations?"

You chuckled dryly, smirking at her. "My expectations?" you wanted to know, leaning forward with a cocked brow. "Steven Grant Rogers was my best friend. He was my anchor, and when he left, living a life in the past with Peggy Carter, he fulfilled his greatest wish. Do I hate him for leaving me behind? Yes, I do. But I support him and his decision nonetheless. He gave the shield to Sam, who gave it away. Who am I to have expectations, when my biggest hope of someone worthy stepping into these massive footprints has been so utterly disappointed?"

Her forehead creased in thought, tapping the pen on the notebook again. The sound was so familiar already, that you had started to ignore it a long time ago.

"John Walker is said to be a good man. Don't you think he will make a good replacement for Captain America?"

"He can be good all he wants, wear the medals he obtained with pride - but he'll never be like us. The Avengers, people that gave everything for others, never once thinking about ourselves. Did we get any medals when we stopped Thanos? When Tony undid the blib, sacrificing himself? No. My best friend - my sister - died, forcing my dad to forever feel guilty for not dying in her place. Can she be replaced? No. Just as Steve can't be replaced. But Sam was the best option to be the next Cap."

"You're dad?"

"Clint. He took me under his wing almost fifteen years ago. He's the dad I never had."

She nodded, scribbling something down again.

"Will you talk to him again?"

Your brows furrowed, remembering the conversation you had with your dad only this morning.

"James."

Sighing, you leaned back against the cushions again, crossing your arms over your chest.

"No."

"Why not?"

"Why not?" you repeated her words, anger bubbling up yet again, as your eyes widened in disbelieve. "James Buchanan Barnes ghosted me after we had sex, only contacting me to get my help. After that, he ghosted me again. And you're asking why not?"

She heaved a sigh, glancing at her watch only to see that she had another thirty minutes with you.

It wasn't that she didn't like you, but you reminded her of Bucky in your stubborn and deflective ways.

"Maybe you should." she spoke, tilting her head. "Talk to him, demand answers as to why exactly he ghosted you."

Scoffing, you stood, feeling the sudden urge to leave, get the hell out of there.

"Sit." she demanded sharply, the tapping of her pen coming to a halt.

Groaning, you did.

"Why don't you help them in trying to stop this group of terrorists for starters?" she suggested, leaning forwards on her elbows, that were resting on her thighs. "And maybe you can talk to him afterwards."

You laughed at her suggestion, declaring her insane.

But you couldn't deny the aching in your heart at the prospect.

You yearned for his touch, his scent, his voice. The way his fingertips ghosted over your skin, lips brushing over the shell of your ear as he whispered sweet nothings into it, hips connecting with yours over and over again.

Dr. Raynor smirked, like she was able to read your thoughts. She wasn't, though she still seemed to know exactly what you were thinking.

Cheeks reddening, you cleared your throat, deciding that you were in need of another topic.

"How was your weekend?"

____

You hated this.

Why exactly did she manage to convince you to follow them, again?

You were late, seeing as the whole scene was crowded, the Flagsmashers already captured, their leader dead. She was a young girl, barely old enough to drink legally.

You were standing at the rear of the ambulance, watching Sam and Bucky who were stood at the front, backs turned towards you. They didn't know you were there yet, talking to each other.

Your heart was thundering in your chest, and you were scared Bucky could hear it with his super soldier hearing.

You were contemplating if you should turn around and hurry the fuck out of there, but it was too late, when they turned instead, heading towards you.

They hadn't seen you yet, but when Sam looked up, his steps faltered, causing Bucky to look your way as well. He stopped dead in his tracks, jaw slack, before it clenched.

Sam hesitantly closed the distance, whilst Bucky was glued to the spot.

"Hey." he voiced, glancing back at the frozen super soldier. "I'll leave you to talk."

"What if I don't want to?"

"You should."

He patted you on the shoulder, before he left for someone that called out to him.

Your hands trembled, your whole body trembled, as you both stared at each other. Neither of you knew what to say, neither wanting to be the first to speak.

"Should have expected you to turn up here." he muttered, and you scoffed. "Believe me, I'm not here because I wanted to be." you retorted as equally cold, shoving your hands into the pockets of your jacket.

He cocked a brow, mimicking the movement, his arm reflecting the light. "Why are you here then?" he wanted to know, fighting the urge to lean against the ambulance.

He didn't want to come over as relaxed, because he definitely wasn't with you standing in front of him.

Not anymore.

He hadn't expected you to show up, he had hoped you wouldn't.

"I wanted to see if you need more help with the Flagsmashers." you explained, looking past him. "You already helped enough with the location." he returned, unwavering.

Nodding, you bit your lip, looking away.

He was shoving you away, again.

"Well, then I suppose I will go." you spoke, swallowing. "Should have expected not to be welcomed."

You didn't mean to say it out loud, really. It just slipped through somehow.

His brows furrowed, eyes narrowing. "Welcomed?" he asked, taking a step closer as his head tilted. "No one invited you. You didn't need to come."

Huffing, you nodded again.

"Well, and no one invited you." you retorted sharply, looking back up at him. "Yet you came as well, before you left without a word."

His jaw clenched, teeth gritted.

"But hey, lets not talk about it, its not worth mentioning anyways."

You wanted to scratch his ego, your own lying broken in a corner. It worked, as he took another step closer, head tilted. Lowering his voice, he spoke exactly what you were expecting him to.

"Didn't sound not 'worth mentioning' it, considering the way you cried my name out for everyone in the building to hear."

You shivered involuntarily, trying not to let him see, though.

He wasn't wrong, but you wouldn't have him know that.

"Really? Maybe I'm just a good actress."

He scoffed, chuckling dryly.

"Just as good as you're at sneaking out."

He fumed at your words, face hardening. His arm whirred quietly, so hard he must have been clenching his hands into fists.

You stared each other down, as your heart silently begged for you to stop. But you were caught in the moment, caught in your anger and hurt.

When neither of you said anything for a good minute, you shook your head and turned around, starting to walk away.

You should have known he wouldn't talk to you.

"Do you think it was easy?" he shouted after you, causing you to halt in your movement.

"Do you think it was easy? After everything that happened, being turned to dust, returning, only for Steve to leave me behind?"

You turned back around, scoffing. "He didn't leave only you." you reminded him, voice harsh. "He left Sam and I as well. He left us all behind, staying in the past to spend his life with Peggy - the only wish he ever had. He was selfish, yes, but he knew we'd manage."

He shook his head, biting his cheek.

"I failed him."

You couldn't help but laugh, frustration growing thicker. "Why do you think so?"

His eyes were glued to the floor, before he looked back up at you.

"I tried, but I didn't manage." he explained, taking a step closer, partly closing the distance you had created. "I spiraled downwards, losing control. I-" he cut himself off, eyes flitting to the sky above you, as he licked his lips, before he looked back at you.

"I lost the little ounce of control I had left when I let you in." he continued, shaking his head, as he bit down on his cheek, the sting momentarily distracting him from his raging heart. "When we- when we spent that night together, I panicked. I hadn't done something like that since the forties, and I didn't want to drag you down into the hole I was falling into."

You had to swallow, eyes stinging, even though you did your best to ignore it.

"And what about me?" you wanted to know, clearing your throat, as your voice quivered. "What about the hole I was falling into?"

His jaw ticked, and he swallowed.

When he didn't answer, you continued.

"You left me behind, in the moment I was the most vulnerable. I needed you, and you left - as well."

He shook his head, hand brushing through his hair. "You don't need me."

"I shouldn't need you." you corrected him, shaking your head with a frown, as you took a step closer. "When Steve first told me about you, showing me your picture at the museum I knew I was done for. Hell, when you stood in front of me, breathing and not dead, like you were believed to be, I thought I was dreaming. I envied Steve, because he made you sound like the best person on earth."

He scoffed, but didn't interrupt you further, eyes downcast.

"I wanted to get to know you, wanted to see if Steve was right." you continued, fighting a smile, losing. "He was, and when we spent more time together, I started to see what he saw. And then you turned into dust. The whole world tilted, for five years. You were gone, Sam, my dad and my whole family suddenly vanished. And when you returned I was so happy - only for you to leave me again. I know it probably didn't mean anything to you, but for me it did."

You breathed in shakily, stopping your own rambling, heart hammering in your chest, threatening to break through.

"You're wrong." he muttered, swallowing, as he locked eyes with you. "It did mean something to me - it meant the whole world to me. You didn't judge me, no matter what I did. You made me forget. You where there the whole time, accompanying me the whole way. But when Steve-" he choked on his breath, shaking his head with tears glistening in his eyes.

"I lost it. And I couldn't risk bringing you in harms way - my way. I didn't want to hurt you."

Sniffing, you bit on your cheek, almost drawing blood.

"But you did." you whispered, tears making your eyes burn, blurring your sight. "You did, when you pushed me away. You where the only constant I had left, and you pushed me away."

He nodded, sniffing as well. "I know, doll." he spoke, biting his lip. "I know."

Even though you felt a weight lift from your shoulders, it didn't feel as relieving as it should have. A tear fell, but you didn't brush it away.

You fell silent, lost in thought.

Somehow, you just confessed your feelings to him, stripped them bare for him to see. Leaving you even more vulnerable.

Your fingers tapped on your thigh in a nervous habit, wishing you could read Bucky's mind. Even though you were able to communicate via thought, you weren't actually able to read other peoples thoughts.

"Will you forgive me?" he suddenly rasped out, eyes staying a second longer on the ground, before they found yours, hope glistening in them. He sounded so broken, so vulnerable, like you never heard him before.

"Please, Y/N."

You swallowed at the nerves bubbling up, slowly starting to nod. "Yes, Bucky." you breathed out, sniffing. "Yes, I forgive you."

How were you supposed to stay angry at him, after what he just told you? After everything that had happened?

He breathed a sigh of relief, nodding to himself, as his eyes closed for a moment.

A tear slipped past his eyelashes, and he bit his lip. You had only seen him cry once, causing you to inhale shakily at the memory.

He wiped at the salty liquid, before his eyes opened again, his feet taking him closer to you, until he was as close as he was the last time you had seen him in person.

You could smell his familiar cologne, feel the heat his body radiated.

His flesh fingers hesitantly moved, brushing a few stray strands of hair out of your face, softly cupping your cheek. The action made you shiver, goosebumps covering your arms, as you leaned into his warm touch the slightest bit, eyes locked onto his blue ones.

"I'm so sorry, doll." he rasped out, eyes fighting to stay on yours. "I did what I thought was best for you, but I know now, that I was wrong. I'm having nightmares again, but I'm working on it. I'm working on everything, trying to get a bit of the old me back to life - the one Steve had told you all these stories about."

You knew about his nightmares, even though they were different now, thanks to the Dora Milaje who had managed to free him of the Winter Soldier state.

He didn't turn into him anymore, not for the briefest of moments. Something he would forever be grateful for.

"I'm an idiot." he mumbled, eyes leaving yours, his hand leaving your face, falling back at his side with his head downcast. "I never should have left - never should have let this happen. I should have listened to Dr. Raynor."

You cocked a brow at his words, head tilting to somehow meet his gaze. "What do you mean?"

He sighed heavily, swallowing, as his nerves got the best of him. "I mean that I should have talked to you, instead of just leaving you behind." he explained, tongue brushing over his lip, hesitating. "Should have told you how I feel."

You inhaled sharply, hands starting their nervous trembling at your sides again.

"What do you feel?" you managed to breathe out, and his eyes met yours again, the intensity of his gaze stealing your breath.

His lips parted, only for his tongue to wet them again. He searched for the right words, soon giving up and opting for the simpler option instead.

"I love you, Y/N."

Your breathing hitched, heart stumbling, before it doubled its speed.

"You're pure, soft and so lovingly." he continued, hands cupping your face. There the words were. "You never once judged me, not even in my darkest hours. You're the thing that kept me going, made me push through to get rid of the Winter Soldier. I wanted to be better - for you. But I fucked up, so badly. I fell into an old habit, pushing you away so you wouldn't get hurt, but instead I did exactly that: hurting you. And I'm a fucking coward for pushing you away, and not pulling you closer instead, now that I'm actually able to."

Words had left you, only tears managed to spill. He brushed them away with his thumbs, one cold and one warm, yet they were both so soft.

His eyes closed, forehead brushing yours. Your eyes fluttered closed as well, breathing him in.

"Working with Sam on this distracted me enough to forget it for a moment." he spoke quietly, leaving you to wonder how exactly that had happened. "But I was selfish when I contacted you, asking for help. I wanted to hear your voice, even if you would have just shouted at me, telling me to never talk to you again."

You bit your lip, more tears falling.

"I would have never." you told him, eyes squinting, even though they were already closed. "I love you too much."

His body moved abruptly, a sob breaking through his lips. It was one of relief and deep shame.

He nodded, his forehead leaving yours to press kisses to your face. Your cheeks, your forehead, your nose, until he finally met your lips with his own.

You tasted the salty remnants of your combined tears on your lips, but neither of you cared. Hands wrapping around his neck, brushing through his hair, you tugged him closer.

Something wet hit your cheek, but you couldn't tell if it were your tears, or his.

His hands on your cheeks tilted your head back, deepening the kiss. His tongue brushed yours, an action so soft it left you yearning for more.

When his lips left yours, you sighed, eyes slowly opening to meet his blue ones. His lips were kiss swollen, but so were yours.

"He took the shield." Bucky breathed out with shining eyes, fingers dancing through your hair. Nodding, you couldn't help but smile. "I know. Finally."

He chuckled quietly, before his lips connected with yours again.

"Now that this mission is complete, I'm all yours." he promised, forehead meeting yours again. "I won't ever do the mistake of pushing you away again, I promise."

You smiled, feeling the tears return, happy ones this time.

"I'm yours." he repeated, lips meeting your cheek. "I'm yours."

"I know." you returned, eyes fluttering closed.

"And I'm yours."

[half-an-hour-hence]

Even more random X-Men headcanons:

- Jean finds painting to be a therapeutic escape from her telepathic abilities. She primarily works with oils, creating abstract pieces that reflect her inner emotions, or extraordinary landscapes that capture the beauty of the area surrounding the mansion. A few of her works decorate her and Scott’s shared bedroom.

- Pietro can speed-read entire books in seconds.

- Jubilee secretly runs a movie review blog under a pseudonym. It’s surprisingly popular among teenage film buffs, and she’s built a small but dedicated following.

- Magneto has a severe distaste for mirrors.

- Ororo is an early riser, and dawn is her favourite time of day. She often goes on morning strolls around the grounds - sometimes alone, sometimes accompanied by Jean, Logan, or Rogue. She finds it helps her to relax and mentally prepare herself for the day ahead.

- Scott and Rogue are both very good mechanics, and they work together to fix the X-Men’s vehicles frequently.

- Morph has a fear of isolation, and hates to be alone. When they’re not busy helping to save the world, they often walk around the mansion, trying to seek out someone to talk to.

- Kurt loves to tell/hear dad jokes. It’s guaranteed that he’ll laugh at them every single time.

- Remy doesn’t like horror films. He gets really panicked about what’s going to happen. And when there’s a jump scare, he’ll jump right out of his seat and exclaim a string of curses in French. Ironically, though, he loves Halloween.

- Logan is a very light sleeper, and thanks to his enhanced hearing, he’ll wake up at the slightest sound. Hank made him a special pair of noise cancelling earplugs - that actually work properly - but he keeps forgetting to put them in at night.

Let me know if I should do more random headcanons or more specific ones!

[princessbrunette]

omg omg omg so I think once rafe and princess have been together a while and he’s basically taken on a paternal role in her life (which his ego loves), calling him dad/daddy would almost become second nature to them. like it’s weirdly comforting for the both of you. You like calling him that because he guides you and takes care of you!! He likes being called that because youre his girl!! and he protects you!! But it’s like so second nature you don’t even realize you’re saying it sometimes and one time you accidentally called rafe dad in front of ward 😳🩷 I don’t even think rafe would be embarrassed like he’d just shrug like “yeah, baby? you need dad to help you with something?”

୭ 🤍 ✧ ˚. 🥛

ward wouldn’t believe it, or maybe he chooses not to believe that’s an actual thing that goes on between the two of you simply for his peace of mind.

the three of you are in the kitchen, rafe reading over a bunch of papers his dad was making him look over spread across the kitchen island, you were shuffling about making a snack, and ward was sat with a cup of coffee, scrolling through his phone and occasionally overseeing rafe.

you go to place something back in the fridge and back into rafe by accident, only slightly jostling him.

“oo— sorry dad.” you speak softly and he only glances at you briefly, muttering words that he read to himself.

“you’re good, baby.” he mumbles, distracted. ward however was staring, a polite and yet disturbed smile gracing his features. the habit was so ingrained in you, that neither of you had realised that you’d called rafe ‘dad’ infront of his actual father.

“sweetheart, did you just call rafe dad?” he asks gently, almost cautiously like he didn’t want to embarrass you if this truly was a thing, despite the horror of that reality only being thinly veiled by his expression. you turn around from the fridge, blinking a couple of times as the reality sets in. oh my god, you did.

“oh— it… was just a slip up. was talking to my dad earlier so it was just… in my head.” you stumble quietly, like you know you’ve been caught. rafe lifts his head as he turns back into the conversation, lips parted distractedly as he glances between the two of you.

“do you mind not interrogating my girlfriend? tryna do some work here.” he blinks irritably at his father for even bringing it up and you avert your eyes to the ground, humiliated.

“was just a question, son.” ward calmly gazed at rafe now, the attention off you. rafe stares back, and there seems to be a mutual understanding— a telepathic message being told to ‘mind your own business’.

“‘can call me what she wants.” rafe gets the final say before leaning on his elbows once more, turning his attention casually back to the paperwork. you can’t take the tension, and leave.

୭ 🤍 ✧ ˚. 🥛

[aromantic-ace]

Humans Are Weird: Intrusive Thoughs.

We all got those random thoughs about doing something incredibly evil or messed up to someone or something, but how would alien will telepathic ability react to those violents pulsion of violence ? Let's discover.

Cycle 12 since the Return of the Expedition.

Crew Member: T'slich of the Kerb System.

It was a casual cycle like any other, i was eating some of that human ration called "fries" when i suddenly got aborded by one of the new crew members. It was a Rerv, that specie was a rare sight usually as they tend to keep working with their own kind due to the mefiance of other species toward their telepathic abilities. But this one, named Ahr if i recall was curious of the other being of the galaxy and as such joined the ship crew. I was about to offer him some of that tasty human food when he started talking with that creaking voice of them.

- Ahr: Greetings, may i ask you a few question about that human, Kate ? I gathered you were close with humans.

- T'slich: Close is an exageration but yes i know her.

It seemed that Ahr was wearing one of those psychic suppressor, the thoughs of other people are sometime too much to handle and most people arent confortable with a telepathic being around them, but what could be his business with Human Kate ?

- Ahr: Aren't you scared of her ?

- T'slich: She can be quite scary sometime but you will soon get used to it, humans are like that, what has she done ?

- Ahr: Nothing, at least for now, it-it's just that she sometime have some weird thoughs about killing everyone on the ship and flying straight into a black hole.. is she okay ?

- T'slich: That is.. concerning to hea-

- Kate: Talking behind my back ?

The skin of the Rerv turned white for a second as we realised that Human Kate was right behind us with her ration, i didn't noticed her and was quite surprised, not as much as Ahr as i was used to Human Kate sudden appearance.

- T'slich: Arh here was worried about your wellbeing.

- Kate: How so ?

She started pouring some blood looking sauce near her "fries" before putting some of her ration into it as to horify even more the poor Rerv.

Ahr: Y-your thoughs ! Is it normal for human to have such destructive pulsion ?

Kate: What Do you mean my thoughs ?

Ahr: Y-you sometime have these pulsion of destroying everything and then yourself, how can you not see what i mean ?

Kate: Ooooooooh you mean my intrusive thoughs, yeah those are normal we sometime get them when we are bored or just randomly. You don't have to worry about that i would never do such a thing.

- Ahr: It is NORMAL for humans to have bloodthirsty pulsion when they are bored ?

- Kate: Yup, luckily for all of us we don't usually end up doing them, else there would be far too much of a mess to clear up after.

- T'slich: Now you understand why there is so much humans in wars.

The poor Rerv quickly finished his meal before leaving me and Kate alone where she asked me how much i liked those fries, it is to note that i did not soak them in blood like her, it's far too salty for me as it is. But once again Humans really Are Weird.

[thatawkwardmoth]

there's this lady on tiktok that has like debriefs almost with her baby every day, like she'll explain the plan for the night and why her daughter is enjoying her pink nail polish right now because it's the color she can see the most or whatever. Don't quote me.

I think Scott does that. Like with a little baby Nathan, getting him dressed or just waiting for the events to start, he debriefs him. He's holding Nathan in his arms, holding a bottle for him, pacing back and forth while he explains that tonight is Jean's birthday dinner and Scott bought two gifts. Nathan gets credit for the more fun gift and Scott the more practical one. Just so Nathan knows the plan ahead of time, even if he can't talk. (I would say Madelyne too but we'll stick with canon, I guess. Boo.)

Or, on 811, Rachel's home universe, he just lays on the bed next to his little baby girl and explains just about everything to her. Yes, Kurt and Amanda are fighting again but they're still coming to dinner. He and Jean talked about how to not make it awkward and now he has to tell her. Rachel might be too busy grabbing for his visor but she'll understand.

Just, I feel it's such a him thing to do. It's not even about being a soldier or anything, he just likes talking to his kids and he'll find any reason too. Explaining things to them, that's just how it happens sometimes and it's a cute scene for Jean to find, either in person or telepathically, because it's just a dorky side of him that not a lot of people get to see.

I love this idea so much.

[ladyoftheflowers-witch]

What are your psychic skills? 🌘🌌

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Please have in mind that every one of us have psychic abilities, some of us use them and nurture them and others don't even know they are there. If you don't feel related with some of the skills I'm going to mention, you still can develop them if you want, even if it takes you time.

As always, take what resonates and leave what doesn't.

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Pile 1 : Red jasper, Queen of pentacles, King of pentacles.

Your energy is very balanced pile 1, your feminine and masculine sides are even in energy. You could be a practical person who likes nature. Your psychic skill could be astral travel and clairvoyance, you can see and percieve another realms as long with the capacity to influence in them through meditation. The visions sometimes might be so strong that your spiritual body actually leaves your material body, so be sure you are grounding after those meditations.

I see this won't be a problem tho, because you are deeply connected with nature and their elements, especially earth. You could have the ability to communicate with animals, plants and the elemental forces. Maybe you notice that animals aproach you every time they see you, that's because you have a magnetic and healing aura and animals and other beings of nature perceive this.

You also have a strong power of manifestation, when you know what you want you work for it until you got it. Yes, you also need to work in things even when you are manifesting, but I think you know this. You have the capacity to bring into matter anything that you wish. Your manifestations take form through action. I was thinking in shadow casting, as when you cast shadows on the walls with your hands. Maybe that is an important component.

Advice: try not to compare yourself with others, everyone has a different path and pace. Nobody is better than anyone, every one of us can shine together if we put love in everything we do

Pile 2: Citrine, Page of wands, 4 of pentacles.

Hi pile 2, I see that you have clear intuition, this could be another inherited ability, the word legacy is coming strong. Someone from your family had this same skill and she passed it to you or is still in your bloodstream for you to tap into it. You have the power to prevent things before they happen. If You aren't familiar with your roots, I suggest you to take the time to ask your parents the history of your grandparents, ask them where they came from. What were their traditions.

Learn about your roots and traditions now that your parents are still aliv, you will thank me later un life. Besides this will create a better bond with them and your ancestors as well. If you have some spiritual practice try to ask your ancestors for protection and guides, you can ask them to communicate with you through your dreams and intuition. They are already protecting you, but this will strenghten the whole thing. Some of you could have egiptian roots in your ADN or your past life transcurr in there.

In pile 1 they have the ability to manifest through actions, you my pile 2, you have the power to manifest through words. For instance you could be talking randomly with someone, making suggestions about the most mundane things, you say something and then it happens after a few days, or people could say things that are important for you in the long run. Or you name a person and that person calls you the next second, so you could also be connected telepathically with your loved ones. When we manifest through words we must be aware of our thoughts and words, we might be attracting that exactly. You could be good attracting wealth to you and those arround you. Notice that word can be written, spoken and thought, use it to your advantage.

Lastly I see that you are an empath and people could drain you easily. After long social interactions you could feel the need to retreat for periods of time until you feel better. But know that you have the ability to bring confort and compassion to those arround you. When people are year you they can't help to feel invigorated by your energy, people see how determined and passional you are towards your goals, you make them want to aproach life the same way. Keep inspiring pile 2, you are a beacon of light.

Pile 3: Amethyst, 9 of swords, 3 of pentacles.

Stop pretending who you are pile 3, we know you know. You have the ability to see beyond every possible illusion, you don't fall for the expectations or idealism that others try to imposs to you. You take bullshit from noone. Every person who ever tried to hurt you had their karma, you have this strange energy where who ever meets you and does you wrong, they see their life crumble afterwards as a result. It's like you don't need to take revenge, time and destiny works in your favour every time.

With the 9 of swords I can see you have a lot of intuition and capacity to perceive others without even knowing them, this doesn't mean you have to be suspicious of every person you meet, but do take notice of your inner instincts. Trust yourself and don't involve with those who make you feel uncomfortable. There's no need to be a confrontation, simple turn into yourself and see who respects that and who doesn't. Try to take note of your dreams, they could be trying to say something to you. Maybe you have profetic dreams, if You have trouble remembering your dreams you could ask your guides for their help before going to sleep. Reconect, talk to your guides more often, they want to work with you!

Lastly, I see that you have the ability to take different ideas and make a solid fundation from them, like this is the power of manifestation but at a level where one can see good and bad and make something useful from it. You are an alchemist, you transmute negative experiences through learning from them and make a positive outcome from them. You are resilient pile 3, don't let a bad day ruin your entire week, you are stronger than you think, never give up.

[lazylattedgleam]

Request:

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Prelude to a New Tomorrow

(Word count: ~3.9k)

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“The art of eye contact lies within the possessor”

(Current: Mr. Ruby Eyes- 001)

(Previous: xxxxxerrrrorrrrrrxxxxxxxx)

(Storymode control buttons)

(002: Yes…? No…? Maybe so…?)

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Welcome back, at this point I don’t even know why I’m complaining so much about writing your narrative, it’s not like it’s got anything to me, moreover it would only be to my benefit for as long as I get to do my job…

Well a few days have passed and your periods had arrived again…first day had started, in the morning itself, awakening you from your sleep, as you groan clutching onto your abdomen. You sluggishly go to the bathroom, grabbing a pad from your cupboard. Upon returning back after sometime you finally fully open your eyes, only to see that you’d made a big stain on your sheets aaaand your blankets—thankfully the Jasmines were alright; you groan, it was only—yeah 06:27 a.m., it was too early for any of this shit. A striking pain hits you as you clutch onto your abdomen, tightly, groaning, tears forming, as you crouch on your knees, face planted upon your side pillow…

But you had to clean up, and soon else the stain would get dry and become permanent…Somehow reaching for your medicines cabinet at your bedside table, you take out a strip of your pain killers, popping one pill into your mouth as you gulped it down with the help of water from your bottle…

You stay like that for a while, and only after feeling the effects of the pain killer kicking in, you get up to bring the liquid detergent from your bathroom…Zayne had once told you to use that company…only half-cap of the liquid was required to pour, was cost-efficient, a trusted company—dermatologically tested safe, checking out the criteria, plus that’s what they mostly used to wash patient gowns at the hospital.

You hate that everything you see, touch, taste, smell, feel, hear, had some sort of connection to him…it was getting too annoying and frustrating, to be honest…good thing that you’re finally starting to realise that so too. It’s gotten too tiring to write about him everytime…

Anyways you do your job, the stain gets out.

———————————————

…Today was a Friday, meaning a rush day at the shop, too many customers to deal with, plus your mental fatigue…you’d just put on your pad a while ago, and it already started a waterfall show down there…Your periods are a bitch, always planning to start during the most hectic days at the shop, pure diabolical is what it was.

At least you took the pain killers, you can feel relatively alright for the coming six hours, can get you through work. It was too early, and you had no mere enthusiasm to make breakfast or pack your lunch yet…

…Well the time passes, you do your stuff and reach the shop…you don’t initiate greeting any longer, but just nod along with a brief smile as the others do. Cue to you doing what you usually do at work; attending to the customers, filling in the logs, yada yada… “Hey when is the new stock of Peonies and Begonias supposed to arrive today, I forgot?”, Raya looks in your direction, her eyes filled with hurt and pain…you two had been best friends, you clicked from the moment she joined, she wants to help you, and she had tried her level best, but you would never open up. You glanced at her seeing the expression in her eyes, you felt guilty…fuck of course you did…she was your best friend…you two have always been for each other’s highs and lows, even before Zayne entered your life…but the pain was too too harsh to be dealt with. So you just let her suffer? Fun aren’t you the perfect friend. “Y-Yeah they’ll be shipped in today…probably by 09:00 or 10:00…”, she searched your eyes, seeing you hesitant… ‘Talk to me (Name), please…’, she pleaded in her mind hoping that telepathically you’ll hear her…but you regained your straight face and nod going back to work.

Aren’t you a—leave it it’s none of my business after all.

…soon arrived break time, as everyone heaved out a big sigh, Fridays were a pain… “Hey (Name)…”, you look up from your mindless fiddling with your lunch, didn’t even touch your food…cmon just talk to her—!

“Excuse me.”, as you closed the lid and went to the bathroom, sighing. Poor girl.

———————————————

…Around evening, Mrs. Li visited the shop, checking on business and asking how everyone was and how everything was holding up. She does this on a monthly, but today she had a special task. After a bit of chit-chat amongst her and everyone, she comes to the counter where you and Raya were stood. “Listen girls I have a task for you”, she said in her sweet, motherly voice. She was a sweet old lady. Both of you look up as she continues, “So…umm we have received a request of ten red rose bouquets, ten blue orchid bouquets, six lavender bouquets, seven multicoloured tulip bouquets, and last but not the least two daisy bouquets…make sure everything is the freshest of the freshest and that none of the flowers have any minute imperfection—”, bruh they’re flowers, how can they not have any, not even the slightest of imperfections? “—and make sure everything is perfect and prim and proper.” You two nod along, “But Ma’am where are they need to be delivered and by when?”, you ask, “That and plus is it for a wedding or any other ceremony?”, Raya chimed in…Mrs. Li grew a bit hesitant… “Well no…but it is a pretty big event, heck it’s a huge event, I just have the location where it is to be delivered, not any specific details, since it is confidential…So…it’s in the N109 Zone.” WOAH! Both of your every widen, “Wait wait wait! Hold on—”, Raya starts, “The N109 Zone? A.k.a. THE DEATH ZONE?! How could you agree to an order like that??”, you finish. “The money is really good girls! Plus it’ll help us for further renovations of the shop, (Name) you’ve been saying we need to renovate, make it a bit bigger too remember?” “But I wouldn’t go as far the N109 Zone for that!” “Ditto! It’s like the breeding place for illegal activities and crimes!”, “Yeah what if we get k*dnapped?! Or worse t*afficked?!”. “Girls listen please, it’s for the good of the shop and all of us, beside you two are my oldest employees, I trust you the most, you two would know how to succeed at the task very well, I know it! And I assure you none of that is going to happen because, it is a trusted customer…Please.” Sure as if a soft please could change their minds— “Fine…” “Fine…we’ll do it…”, Oh for the love of—

“Great! Thank you so much both of you! I promise you your safety is my priority and it’s assured! Now you have to deliver everything by coming Saturday, 07:00 p.m., sharp, so don’t be late. You two don’t need to come to work on that day, just visit the shop and keep everything ready for delivery two hours prior, and be in your best outfits…you know these rich people things…gotta look elegant.”, welp…the both of you sigh and nod, “Yes Ma’am…”

———————————————

…Night fell, as it was closing time around 11:30, Raya and you are the last ones left, packing up to make sure everything was in place and properly, like always, as you grab the keys. She turns off all the switches and you two head out, quietly. Locking the door properly, “You have leaves on Saturday, how are you going to accompany me…?”, wow it felt weird, and nervous…

“Oh so you do remember about me.”, she spoke with an annoyance yet a slightly teasing tone… “As for your question, I’ll be free next Saturday, no family events or plannings so yes, I’ll be accompanying you...”

Cmon! You sigh finally breaking into a quiet laughter…it’s been too long since you last laughed from the bottom of your heart. She joined in too, as the both of you kept laughing like madwomen…if anyone were to be passing by, they’d feel they’re being haunted.

…Destiny Cafe remains open for 24 hours on Fridays. Sitting their with your drinks and snacks at your table, initially nervous…you apologise to her tonnes, as you two talk and gossip for what had felt like years…it was pleasant to see the cafe still filled with people, the night always brings out a different atmosphere. “Can’t believe we’re having to go to the DEATH ZONE, that also voluntarily…well not entirely voluntarily but you get the gist.” “Yeah…at least we’ll get to dress pretty…” “Oooo that’s what I’m the most excited for too! And free drinks hell yeah!” “How are you so sure they’ll allow us that?” “Gut feeling.” “Sure as if that has ever been right.” “There was the time~” “OKAY! OKAY! I GET IT!”, both of you laugh… “We’re high on caffeine…” “Who cares! To us!” “To us!”, as you clink your cups, earning a few stares here and there.

…You reached home…‘Today…especially the night…it felt nice…it was nice…’, you think to yourself, a smile on your face, it’s been too long since you felt this rejuvenating…you didn’t even think of him during the time with Raya…uh oh you just did, but you felt like your misery had decreased by 0.001 percent…it’s nice…but you were tired and the cramps were getting at it again…You ate enough at the cafe with her so you weren’t hungry. Right now, all you want to do is get to bed and sleep. So you did…of course after changing and freshening up.

———————————————

…During this week that was still left and the next, Mrs. Li visited by almost regularly, checking upon your progress and if you two were choosing everything properly… “Girls pick that rose, it looks more brighter…..that tulip is vibrant yellow go for that one…..arrange them neatly, use our that paper to wrap around the bouquet…..” “The one with the regal aesthetic?” “Yes yes that.”…it was a pain to pick and choose and inspect and wrap…there were just too many…but since you’ve been busy with all this…it kept your mind off of them to a great extent, maybe it was for the best?

Friday night comes by, as you and Raya chat while you packed up and checked if everything was all according and planned…nothing should go missing or miscounted…you take your second last count of every bouquet tonight, leaving the final for tomorrow, as she checks their quality and freshness. “All good?” “Seems so to me…you can check on after I’m done?” “Yeah sure, I’ll do that, you recount.”, as you two do that… “So what will you be wearing? Decided yet?” “Well duh yes of course the thing is tomorrow. Anyways I’ve chosen that dress, remember I sent you the picture, I bought recently online as I got it for a cheap price hehe.” “The mulberry one?” “Yeeeep!” “Ooooo! Can’t wait to see you!” “Yessss! And how about you missy?” “Hmmm not chosen yet, but I think I’ll go with the rosewood coloured one, my cousin gifted me for my last birthday…” “Oh yes please! That screams elegance and grace!” “So does yours by the way…it’s more of elegance and royalty.”

The next day arrives too fricking quickly, have you thought about Zayne the last night? Yes…plus you did cry too, but it was less than usual, and for the first time in months you felt excited (plus nervous and scared too) again…good improvement. One thing that you’re really thankful for is that the deliver date was after your periods had ended, it was a relief. You were excited so you woke up early on a day that was supposed to be your break from work,well that break was given since you had a task but yeah whatever. It was around 08:15 a.m. when you texted Raya.

RAY

You: You awake yet?

RAY: GURL DUH OFC! I. OULD BARELY SLEEEP FROM YHE EXCITWMWY LAST NIFT!!

You: Lmao can tell by your spellings.

RAY: SHHH, NO JUDGING. Anyways, will we be getting ready at the shop or from our homes?

You: Home duh. How can you get ready at the shop it’ll be too much of a hassle, plus are you forgetting it’s a work day for the others.

RAY: Oh yeah lol, they’ll be at awe when they see us hehe

You: Soooo we meeting at the shop around say, 5:00?

RAY: yeah sure, k bye! See ya!

You:👋

…You started getting ready around 04:00…it suddenly reminded you of every date that you’d try to look your absolute best for Zayne…slowly inching towards your Anniversary night…the memories bring back the pain and the agony and the betrayal you’d felt, you shook your head trying to focus on today…you wanted to look extra beautiful tonight.

———————————————

…It’s 05:15, when you reach the shop. “Hey thank god you’re finally he-WOAH!”, you chuckle at Raya, “UMM MA’AM ARE YOU LOOKING FOR THE WAY TO THE ROYAL PALACE?? CUZ MY OH MY!” “Says you, have you seen yourself in the mirror? A total hottie~” “Not more than you~”, as you two share a laugh, “Kk let’s go count for one last time?” “Mhm…and pray that everything is all well and proper…” Your other co-workers stare at the both of you, complimenting you two, some even flirt., Raya returns their gestures, so do you but you’re more hushed…you mind suddenly once wanders to what if Zayne had ever flirted with you like so…you’d have melted on spot…maybe he does with her, but no use of pondering upon it, you look forward to tonight, hoping to taste some of the free foods and drinks…It’s a rich party after all they’ll have pretentious yet tasty portions…

“33…34….35….aaaaaand 36….”, “Okay, we all set then?” “Seems like to me, we counted more than six times by now….so I guess…Wait didn’t Mrs. Li said she’d come to wish us luck? And count.” “…Maybe she forgot? Anyways…let’s see…ten bouquet roses, ten tulips—no no…ten blue orchids yes…two daisies…six lavenders…aaaaaaand seven tulips, ok we’re officially all set….” “Here’s to the hope that nothing bad happens to us…” “Hear…Hear…”. As you place the bouquets neatly in a big circular thermocol trays, securing each set by wrapping cellophane paper on top of each…

…Soon arrives a black limo… “Damn…” “Uh-Huh…”…a guy in a black suit and sunglasses gets out, “(Name) and Raya, Mrs. Li’s workers?” “Yes”, you two say in unison, why was the dude so intimidating :/. He checks the trays and puts them in the in the right seat, setting them down carefully, before nodding, “Get in.” You two, cross your fingers, clasping onto each other’s hands tightly, hoping to well…survive…

The Limo, had too many things, both of you had only witnessed such things in movies, a drinks table, the seats felt like royalty, a music player, a big table in the centre from where the other guards ate and drank and chatted about, and a regal lighting, the seats were of a beige color and felt a little hard to sit on to be honest. You and Raya, were sitting at either sides of the flowers, to make sure they didn’t fall down or anything, basically protecting them from any impending doom, and yours. Glancing at each other, lips pressed tightly in a thin line, as you two looked around subtly of course…

Oh and need I say how fast it was going?

———————————————

…You reach in about an hour or so, getting out carefully with the flowers in hand, as you were escorted in by a single nod given by one of the guards…

You look at the hall…wow…you’ve never seen anything this fancy, sure you’ve been to weddings but this…this was just, on another level…it was all too royal…the interior carved with intricate designs, a soft velvetty carpet covered the entire floor, there was a dance area, a huge open bar, huge stretch of a buffet system, the entire building had a rose-gold hue to it’s colouration, making it look as if one had entered the royal halls… “Woah…” “Yeah woah…”, as you keep on walking forward behind the securities…eyes falling upon every person, dressed in extravagance and glamour, showing off their elegance, jewelleries of gold and platinum and what not other precious gemstones that they possessed; chatting, mingling, drinking amongst one another…it was all too grande and screamed money money money…The two of you walk ahead a few more as you see the guards stop I front of a tall old man…probably was around the age of your Mrs. Li. “Sir they’re here.”, he nods and let them off, as they gave a subtle bow and left.

“Ahhh welcome welcome welcome, I’m Jay Jonah Jameson, the host, you must be Mrs. Li’s most trusted workers, we’re glad you could make it tonight—” pshhh as if you two had a choice; “I’ve been buying flowers from her since she first started the shop, and have never once been displeased with the quality, colour, fragrance, or aestheticism…she always had a knack for picking out the best of the best. And I strongly believe she did so too.”, as he inspected the trays in our hands. All you two do is nod along as he took the trays from yours and told his assistant to keep them at the nearby table and count properly and sort them out. “Please ladies enjoy yourselves fully. And don’t be at all bothered on your return back, the limo will be outside, whenever you want to leave, they’ll take you back safely.”, he said with a smile as we were left alone…

“Jay Jonah Jameson? What is this Spider-Man?” “Ikr…the only difference was that it was not just a J, but Jay, emphasising…” “Think he’d suit the Daily Bugle?” “Perfectly…”, as you two softly chuckle amongst each other and walk along the hall, admiring the atmosphere… “Think he overdid it just for some flowers?” “Surely…I’d say dude has a crush on Mrs. Li if I didn’t know any better…” “Atleast we get to enjoy this grandeur setting for the night woo…”

“Hey look at these big-ass rubies and gemstones, didn’t know they could be that enormous in size—”, *sigh*….you facepalm “Idiot! They’re not any gemstones, these are Protocores! They’re found inside Wanderers!” “OH! I didn’t know—wait how come you know?” “My cousin is a Deepspace Hunter, I know my tids and bits.” “Oh yeahhhhh….” “Cmon let’s eat” “Ooo yeah!”

———————————————

…“Ugh oh dear lord the food was too good…” “Yeah…half the time I wondered what the name tag meant…” “Understandable…drinks?”, as you walk over to the open bar and order two classic Margaritas, the bartender, portraying his talents on display, mixes the drink, and pours it in two glasses for the two of you, coating their brims with sugar poweder, with two limes on top as decoration. “Money money money must be funny—” “In a rich maan’s world!” “CHEERS!”, as you sip and drink and drink and sip… “Girlllll we can’t get drunk!” “We aren’t Ray, we just had three glasses. Cmon let’s get up before we get even more tempted.”, as you drag her up and away, exploring the rest of the Hall…it seems like one might need a golf cart, just to explore the place— “Ma’am what would you like to see? We have the finest starting at the most valuable prices, only 2 millions”… ‘Yeah right only .__.’, you thought to yourself, I mean for real what do they mean only, acting as if 2 millions is only a fifty bucks…ugh… “No no thank you we—” “We also have the Aether Core sets over there, starting range from 7 million!” Okay I swear this dude, I’ll hit him— “Thank you but we’ll just browse for now.”, you say politely as that would be the only way to get him outta your asses. “Well okay then! Do call me up if you need anything!”, as he left. “Finally…”, said Raya, “Oh yay you’re not drunk!” “Duh I have a high tolerance level, I ain’t a lightweight like you”, that suddenly reminded you of your drunken ramblings you made to him on your Anniversary night…you shook your head as the both of you walk forward. “When shall we leave by the way?” “In a few? Maybe see a couple dances and then?” “No please not dances.” “Alright fine we’ll leave soon, but first I wanna see some bidding prizes and offers.” “Whyyyyy—” “Girl we are at an auction event and what’s that if we don’t witness the main game.”

“—Starting at 1 Million! Everyone let’s see your cards! Starting at 1 Mil—”

…‘I see a man hold up the sign which said 5 million…damn that high of a jump…at the start itself…who is this—” oh hoho now this will be fun…well the guy was wearing a full black high quality leather set with a overcoat that had a streak of dark crimson splattered neatly creating a design…Everyone gasps, while he looked unbothered and nonchalant as ever…as if he put in only two pennies up front…You could only catch a glimpse of him from behind the line of people watching. “W-Well Mr. Sylus has done it again…would anyone l-like to raise the stakes? ….Going once! Going twice! …….SOLD! To Mr. Sylus Qin!”,

just then your eyes meet for a brief period as you feel a sudden shiver down your spine.

His gaze returning to where it was initially…your gaze shifts to Mr. Jameson, seeing a satisfied smirk on his face, when suddenly Raya drags you away and out the Banquet Hall. “You tell us to leave and then you delay it, cmon it’s already around 09:30, let’s go…we’ve had enough N109 Zone for the rest of our lives to remember. Oi! You listening?” “Huh? Oh yeah yeah…did you see that man go 5 million on the first call? What was his name again…ugh I can’t remember!” “Yeah I saw him, but why do you care? Wait don’t tell me you’ve taken a interest to him just because—” “No no! It’s not that it’s just…Did you look into his eyes? They held such strong ground, dominance and power…that aura was probably emanating through the whole room, plus the people looked very…I don’t know…umm shuddered and with utter respect…”

“Girl cmon let’s go, you’re drunk.” “No I’m not! I mean it, he had red eyes, they were like the colors of a ruby or better yet…red beryl…” “Yeah probably was wearing contacts, there’s no way those can naturally exist, cmon let’s go back I’m getting sleepy…”

“I want to know…if only I can remember…”

Maybe you will, maybe you won’t…then again how would I know, I’m just writing your story…just doing my job…

🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀

🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀

(All credits, TW, Index have been mentioned on the Storymode page.)

[messy-gemini1]

Imagine dating both Alucard and abridged Alucard

imagine it's just a normal day for the Hellsing Manor. You're doing your normal routine cleaning up the integra's off while She sits at her desk and does her paperwork.

Until Seras barges in, holding Two Alucard's. Your eyes widen and the broom falls from your hands. One had a huge grin on his face, while the other stands there with an irritated look.

"what. the. fuck" is all you can say. The one with the grin seems to smile more you. "ah! now who is this ravishing, little slut" He says, you knew right away he was not your Alucard. He's voice was slightly different and his language that of an immature teenager who just figured out he could curse.

Your Alucard, who seemed to not like the idea of his imposter calling you names, immediately pulls his pistols out. Tone harsh and cold "what did you call my Darling?" He growls. Seras quickly tries to defuse the situation while You and Integra stand there with shocked faces.

______

It took some time to get used to having two Alucard's. apparently, the imposter who you named Card, lost his Y/n before they could have a relationship. That made you slightly sympathetic for him. Alucard did NOT like having another him around, especially someone who was so foul mouthed to you. He slowly grew accustom to it.

Especially when it made you so happy to have two vampires swoon over you and pamper you with kisses early in the morning.

Not to mention the bedroom ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Alucard is soft and gentle, whereas card is brash and rough. You have the best of both worlds in the bedroom, and both are absolutely kings at aftercare. Theyll clean you up, make sure you're comfortable, making you a hot bath or whatever you need before cuddling you to sleep.

Conversation with Card is weird, his universe is very chaotic, not at all what you assumed from your own dimension.

"soo...you only turned seras for..." "her big tits, yup ( ͡º ꒳ ͡º) "

You can only blink at him, wondering how exactly his mind works. Integra HATES having two vampires. when their together, Cards energy starts to interfere with Alucard's before their both being dipshits and fucking shit up.

It's like having Twin toddlers running amok the manor. Seras is constantly confused, she has no idea who's who until one of them is calling her things like 'sugar tits' or something provocative, then she threatens to call you and the two seem to immediately coward away.

Card is not one to go against your fury, even in his own universe before your death, you could scare the devil himself and it appears the same is in this universe.

_______

Sometimes, at night when Alucard is on a mission, you and card take night walks around the garden. He becomes...softer. Sadder. He talks about missing you in his world, how he should have told you how he felt before your death. You only frown, holding his hand in your own..

You know he'll have to return to his own world soon, and that breaks you. because you've grown so used to your banter with him and Alucard. None the less, you enjoy your time with him the best you can.

Alucard won't admit it, but he enjoys having another version of him around. He and card actually fucked Infront of you before, for your enjoyment of course, but that stays in the bedroom.

Alucard enjoys having someone who can match his strength and his power.

When the day comes to say goodbye to card, you're trying not to cry, handing him a small bracelet with yours and Alucard's name on it. Card scoffs and says his not a child, but you don't miss the way his eyes turn glossy and how he tucks the gift into his coat.

Your two vampires shake hands, staring into each other eyes almost talking to each other telepathically. Afterwards, Card gets down on one knee, cupping your face and gently kissing you goodbye, gently wiping your tears as he does so.

"I will not forget the love you have given me, i know if My Y/n were to still be living. She would be Just like you" he says, and for the first time...he's serious. no jokes, jabs or provocative language.

You can only smile as Alucard tugs you back to his hip, smiling. "it was a pleasure to get to know you..." he rumbles out to his counterpart as he leaves through the wormhole, his grin the last thing you see before it closes and it's just you and Alucard standing in the night..

______

you slowly learn to move on from having Card in your life, everything of his you owned being boxed up and hidden away into the back shelf of the closet. Both you and Alucard sometimes sit in the garden at night, wondering how Card is doing and if he's safe, his time with you affected the way you both feel. Alucard misses his brash behavior and the way it would turn his master red. But he also misses how happy he saw you with having him around.

Soon, it becomes a distant memory you both share, especially once Alucard turns you, as time goes on. You learn to hold his memory close and continue your lives together...

A/: aint gonna lie, i started crying writing this

[ahoyimlosingmymind]

Dead FFitz. How would the crew react?

I don't think a single soul would actually believe it was real for a very long time.

Some part of Keefe would reach for his imparter to call Fitz before his wanderling was planted, feeling like he needed to talk to his best friend about his best friend's funeral. Only to realize he can't. Sophie would find herself reaching out to him telepathically, and finding an empty void in response. He was one of the first minds she'd ever entered, and they were cognates, and it would feel like she lost a limb. She'd reach out even knowing that he wouldn't answer, through some vain hope. Biana would get whiffs of the smell of baking from the everglen kitchen and hurry down just to find a gnome baking Mallowmelt. It won't ever taste like Fitz's, and she can't even take a bite without feeling like she's going to throw up. When she gets to the elite levels all she can think about how both of her big brothers are dead and how she's the only one left. Della would pace in front of her sons' bedroom doors, and she would sometimes open them, expecting to see her boys sitting on their beds, doing homework, or chatting with their friends on their imparters. They're always empty. Covered in dust, slowly losing the smell of their colognes'. When the gnomes come to clean, she screams at them through tears. Nobody touches the rooms after that; not even her. Alden doesn't go near their rooms. He won't even approach the hall. He keeps Fitz's imparter in his pocket and answers all of Keefe's half-thought hails in the middle of the night, and sometimes neither of them can breathe. Keefe hangs up first. He can't stand the fact that Fitz's teal eyes are staring into his, but he isn't even there. It all feels like denial. Like he's going to come back somehow, by some miracle. Sophie stares at all the bows she kept from the treats he baked her. She curses her photographic memory, because his movie-star smile never quite leaves her mind's eye, and Keefe uses his own to draw portraits of his dead best friend. Sophie won't look at them. Della holds them close to her chest, and Biana pretends that it doesn't feel like being stabbed to see them. Alden hangs them in his study. Keefe draws one of Alvar too, and Biana keeps it in a drawer in her room.

[signanothername]

yess love that you made Nightmare a lil mamas boy, like tbh, i feel like he was such a lil mama boys cause he spent all his time with her, like in my opion, no one loved their mom more then nightmare.

but life if Nim was a good mom is sorta iffy, idk, i feel like she loved Dream and Nightmare, but still neglected them. not because she didn't care, but more cause she just wasn't ready to be a mom.

but god the grief Nightmare must of felt after he killed Nim and thought he killed Dream must've been crazy. wonder if he ever wished that Nim came back alive instead of Dream. maybe said that to Dream cause he would just to be a bitch.

but yeah, would love if you talked about what you thought Nim and the twins relationship was like.

HE ISSSS!!! He’s such a mama’s boy and it’s exactly cause he spent all his time with her

To Nightmare, his mom was also his only friend in a way, she was the only one keeping him company, and I like to think Nightmare used to talk to her a lot, about his favorite books and about Dream and about how lonely he felt

His mom was his only confidant and companion

The thing is tho? Yeah Nim was a neglectful mother, a very neglectful mother, and i’d say a horrible one even

Despite Nim’s circumstances in which she’s literally a tree, she’s alive in there and her spirit is heavily rooted in the tree, and by extension, rooted in Dream and Nightmare, she could at any time communicate with the twins, not in a telepathic way, but more in a sensory way, remember how i said Nightmare and Dream have roots that connect with everyone in the multiverse? It works the same way to an extent

Nim can communicate by sending signals to Dream and Nightmare, but instead of it being connected by soul, it’s that the twins are a direct extension of the tree, she could’ve at least made Nightmare feel safe at any point by signaling to him that she’s there, she could’ve made him feel less lonely by telling him she enjoys his company, etc

But she never did, she watched Nightmare cry and let him do so without giving him any reassurance, she cares about the twins but not enough to form any true emotional bond/connection with them, she cared in the sense of feeling a bit of pity for Nightmare’s circumstance but not feel protective of him, she made the twins last second before turning to the tree after all, to her, these are less like her children and more like assets she made to protect her cause she can’t protect herself, and the worst part? They’re replaceable to her, she can always make new guardians to protect herself if she wanted, and she even thought of doing so as she wasn’t convinced that children are strong enough to protect her, that was simply a mistake cause she made them seconds before her “death”

But Nightmare doesn’t know any of that, the only thing he knows is that his mother is there for them but simply incapable of communication, all hopeful and innocent little Nightmare knows is that his mother would burn the world down for them if she could (when in reality she wouldn’t)

And that’s all adult Nightmare knows too, he never got to know how little care Nim had for them

And oh the grief Nightmare feels for his mother weighs down so much, to the point Nightmare wishes he could turn back the clock just so he could stop himself from killing her, but he can’t, and he has to live with that

I wouldn’t say Nightmare wishes Nim came back to life instead of Dream, but he definitely wishes she comes back to life, cause in a way, turning Dream to stone wasn’t what Nightmare meant to do either, to little Nightmare? He just lost his entire family in one night, so when Dream got out of stone, part of Nightmare is beyond relieved, cause for the longest time he thought Dream was dead and had to live with that grief too

And tbh? I think even if Nightmare knew how little care Nim had for them it would eat away at him, but still wouldn’t change his love for her, know how sometimes even when the parent is neglecting or horrible, the child just can’t bring themselves to hate their parent? It’s the same thing with Nightmare, and if Nightmare knew how neglecting Nim is he’d be in even more pain and distress because he would try his hardest to hate her, cause how dare she? But Nightmare would know that he actually can’t bring himself to hate her no matter how hard he tries and it would make him so mad at himself

And y’know, I’ve been actually thinking about why Nightmare would even cut the tree down, even in his state of madness he’d still know not to cut the tree, and I like to think it’s cause the only time Nim ever communicated with the twins at all is during the Apple incident, in which she cursed both Dream’s and Nightmare’s names, she cursed Dream’s name for being too weak and naive for believing the villagers are his friends, and cursed Nightmare’s name for being exactly the demon the villagers deemed him to be, and Nightmare’s actions were instantaneous, one second Nim is screaming at the twins, the next? She’s dead

And Nightmare was just too disoriented to realize what he did untill reality set in

Nightmare and Dream still get nightmares/night terrors as the voice of their mother’s screams haunt them every damn day of their lives

Both twins have to live knowing that the last emotion (and only emotion they got to feel from their mother since they were born) was deep rooted anger and resentment :)