#even if it's not doing shit in my brain anymore

[hoshifighting]

i enjoy your work so much!!! i love reading new posts whenever you update (which is so frequent and im always in awe of how creative your brain is!!) im wondering if you had similar work to your most recent reaction but with mommy issues instead? giving a tight hug to all my peeps struggling through parental relationships ❤️‍🩹

seventeen x reader with mommy issues

a/n: thank you anon 🥺🥺❤️ i hope you like it, and > giving a tight hug to all my peeps struggling through parental relationships pt.2

WARNINGS: mommy issues, svt mostly doing girly things with you.

seungcheol: cheol’s the type to instinctively take a nurturing role without even realizing it. he’ll remind you to eat, help you pick out clothes for the day, and even braid your hair if you let him. “does this look okay?” he asks, tongue sticking out in concentration as his big hands fumble a little. he’s all about making sure you feel cared for in every little way, even if it’s just holding you close while you vent.

jeonghan: knows how to fill that space without making it obvious. he’s the one who’ll ask his sister to help him paint your nails, gossip about random shit, or let you borrow his skincare products. “c’mere, let me do it for you,” he says, gently dabbing serum on your face while teasing you about how bad you are at self-care. it’s his sneaky way of saying, i’m here for you.

joshua: takes on that classic comforting role, always making sure you feel heard.he’ll offer to bake cookies with you or even sew something small together. “it’s okay to miss her,” he’ll say softly, holding your hand. “but you’ve got people now who care about you, including me.”

junhui: create those bonding moments you might’ve missed out on. he’s the type to grab your hand and drag you into the kitchen, insisting you bake something together even if it’s a disaster. “this is supposed to be fun, not perfect babe...” he laughs as flour gets everywhere. he doesn’t try to replace anything, but he makes you feel like you’re not missing out anymore.

hoshi: his appproach is so wholesome it hurts. he’s the kind to pull you into his lap while he combs through your hair, humming softly. “you deserve to feel spoiled,” he says with a grin, and suddenly he’s dragging you to the mall for a mini shopping spree. “pick something cute, okay? you can’t say no—it’s my treat.”

woozi: his way of comforting you is subtle but so meaningful. he won’t push you to talk, but when you’re struggling, he’ll sit you down and quietly braid your hair or make tea for you. “you don’t have to do this alone,” he’ll say in his soft, no-nonsense voice. sometimes it’s just the quiet, supportive presence that heals the most.

wonwoo: he’ll read to you, help you organize your space, or even teach you how to do things like fixing a hem or arranging flowers. “this is kinda relaxing, isn’t it?” he says as you both work together, his calm energy making you feel safe and understood.

minghao: would suggest journaling together, so you can focus more on yourself, than focus on the house problems. “it’s okay to feel like this,” he says, squeezing your hand. “but you’re more than what you’re missing.” he makes sure you feel strong enough to rebuild those pieces.

mingyu: mingyu goes all in on being your cheerleader. he’s the one who’ll sit on the floor with you to do DIY face masks or giggle with you over silly videos. “do you want me to call my sister?... don't really know what a cut-crease is...” he says with a goofy grin, trying his best to make you feel loved and cared for in every way he can.

seokmin: he s exactly what you need when the weight of everything feels heavy. he’ll pull you into the kitchen to teach you his favorite recipes, or he’ll sit down with you to sew a button back on your shirt. “see? you’re already amazing at this!” he beams, making you feel proud of yourself for even the smallest things.

seungkwan: ultimate comforter. he’ll organize a mini self-care day, complete with snacks, facials, and trashy TV. “no one’s judging you here,” he says, rubbing your back as you tear up. his endless affirmations—you’re doing amazing, you deserve love, you’re enough—are exactly what you need to hear.

vernon: he’ll suggest stuff like planting a little herb garden together or decorating a space to make it yours. “babe I think I planted my ring...” he says, looking at the plant pot that will be all messy in seconds just to find the piece of silver.

chan: he’s the guy who’ll offer to watch cheesy movies with you, paint your nails (even if he sucks at it), or teach you a new dance—and stumbling on his own feet on purpose—just to make you smile. “you deserve to feel cared for.”

[crushpunky]

rafe and kook!reader get into a fight

masterlist | kook!reader masterlist

warning: minor injury w/ mention of blood

“Are you fucking serious right now?” Y/n shouted as Rafe rolled his eyes, flopping back onto y/n’s bed, an unlit joint dangling between his lips as y/n closed the door behind her.

“Jesus, I’m not gonna smoke it in here.” Rafe scoffed, tucking the joint behind his ear as y/n shot daggers at him.

“You’re lucky I even let you in here after that shit you pulled.” Y/n said sharply, turning to her vanity that sat in front of the bed. They had just gotten back from a party, their departure rushed after Rafe had gotten into a fight with some guy over a stupid comment the guy had said. Topper and Kelce had tried to intervene, but once Rafe’s mind was set, it was set. The fight had finally ended when y/n ran in, grabbing at Rafe’s arms until he decided he had had enough and climbed off the guy.

“‘That shit I pulled’?” Rafe asked with a smirk, propping himself up to rest on his elbow. Y/n turned around in her chair, her mouth agape.

“Rafe… I’m not messing around. I’m this close.” Y/n seethed, pinching her fingers with a harsh exhale.

“Oh c’mon. That random asshole’s fine.” Rafe scoffed, shaking his head as he shuffled over to sit next to y/n’s nightstand. He dug into his pocket, procuring a small bag of coke. Y/n glanced up at the mirror at the sound of the bag crinkling before whipping around out of her chair. With a step, she had crossed the room and ripped the bag from his hands.

“Hey, what the hell—” Rafe grabbed at her, missing as she pulled further away from him. 

“Absolutely fucking not.” Y/n seethed, moving towards her bathroom, but Rafe was able to catch her by the waist. He pulled her into his chest, trying to pry the baggie from her grip.

“Just fucking give it to me, y/n.” Rafe hissed, the two of them grappling as y/n tucked the baggie even closer to her body and fought against Rafe’s grasp. Rafe’s fingers scratched at her hands, causing y/n to elbow him sharply in the ribs, his grasp on her loosening enough for her to get loose.

“Y/n, don’t you fucking—” Rafe shouted, following closely behind y/n as she made it into the bathroom. Without a second of hesitation, y/n tossed the baggie towards the toilet, but missed, causing it to fall onto the ground. She quickly scrambled to pick it up, before she could, Rafe caught her by the wrist.

“Let go of me!” Y/n seethed, attempting to wrangle free from Rafe’s grasp.

“That’s my shit, y/n! You can’t just fucking do that!” Rafe shouted, his voice laced with a rage that made y/n’s stomach churn. Y/n pulled against him harshly, his drunken body crashing into hers, sending the two of them into the wall. With a gasp, y/n’s head hit with a loud thud and Rafe’s hold on her dropped.

“Ow, shit!” Y/n groaned, slinking down the wall. She lifted a hand to where her head throbbed, her fingers coming back covered in blood. Immediately, her eyes began to well with tears as she sat up.

“Y/n I’m sorry I—” Rafe scrambled, his shaking hands reaching out towards her, his face sobering up with fear.

“No!” Y/n sobbed, recoiling as his fingers brushed her skin. 

Rafe’s face fell, looking quickly over at the baggie that sat on the ground near where y/n sat crying… because of him. Because of him and his stupid, stupid addiction and anger and violence and—

“Get out, Rafe! Just take your shit and leave! I don’t fucking care anymore!” Y/n screamed, grabbing the baggie and shoving it into his hands. He took it numbly, his mouth agape as y/n sat in front of him, the blood from her forehead mixing with the tears that poured down her cheeks. Rafe felt his mouth dry, his brain begging him to open the baggie and escape from reality for a moment, but his heart clenching at y/n’s trembling form. She had become the one thing he never wanted her to be: scared of him.

“Y/n, please—” Rafe whispered, swallowing harshly.

“Stop, Rafe!” Y/n sobbed. “You– you’re just going to say you’re sorry and then you’re not gonna change and I… I can’t fucking do it anymore, Rafe.”

Rafe sat there for a second, the silence between them only dampened by y/n’s occasional sniffles. She was right. Time after time, he would fuck up, apologize, and then go right back to it, the cycle continuing the next time he did something stupid. Y/n was strong, god he knew that, but he also knew that it was killing her seeing him like this. The boy she had known all her life, fading away into an angry, violent man she couldn’t even recognize.

Without even realizing it, Rafe had begun to cry. Slow tears fell down his cheeks as he looked down at the bag of white powder in his hand; the very thing that had caused all this pain and hurt in his own life, hurting those around him even more. With a trembling hand, Rafe dropped the baggie into the toilet, flushing it away before slinking back to rest against the wall. His shoulder brushed against y/n’s lightly, causing her to flinch before relaxing against him.

“I’m… I’m gonna get help, y/n.” Rafe whispered, his gaze locked on y/n. Y/n’s eyes remained focused on the ground in front of her, her sobs subsided enough to stop the shaking in her shoulders. Rafe could feel his stomach churn, fearing that this time he had really fucked up and she couldn’t forgive him. Fearing he had gone too far. He had hurt her. He had lost her… and he couldn’t fucking lose her.

“First thing in the morning, we’re gonna call that place I told you about.” Y/n whispered, looking up at him, her eyes stern. Rafe nodded, his bottom lip trembling as he looked down at his best friend.

“I’m serious, Rafe. I… I can’t do this anymore. I won’t.” Y/n said. With a sigh, she rested her head on Rafe’s shoulders. Rafe let out a breath he hadn’t even realized he was holding, resting his head on top of y/n’s.

“I’m sorry, y/n. I love you.” Rafe whispered.

“I love you too.” Y/n said.

[ghouljams]

how does one become free of insecurity? i’m already doing therapy but i feel i’ve only moved away from hating myself so much i want to d*e into just thinking everyone’s better than me

It's a long journey, but well worth it.

I don't think anyone is ever truly free of insecurity, but I think there's also a lot that is unpacked simply through the language we use to describe ourselves and the jokes we allow other people to make at our expense.

Therapy is great at helping you deal with the big feelings, but sometimes little things get caught in your head and it's hard to shake them. Here are some things that I do to keep myself feeling good, and also some things that I'm working on:

No suicide jokes. I make it a point never to joke about "oh I'll just kill myself" or anything like that because ultimately it just makes me feel worse and nobody finds it funny. It's also a good way to change your thinking and direct your solution brain away from "I'll just end things when shit gets hard." This one is a constant battle.

I compliment myself whenever I have the chance. I take every compliment someone gives me. I pretend to be vapid and self-absorbed. I make kissy faces at myself in the mirror. I tell other people how pretty I am, and I don't fucking care if they think I'm a stupid bimbo because I'm trying to love myself and that's more important.

Being kinder to my younger self. This one feels weird but I found myself being mean to little Ghoul when I was really sad. It feels easy to take out your anger on a kid that didn't know any better, and it doesn't guilt you because that's you that you're hating. But look. You were just a kid. You weren't stupid or ugly or unlovable or evil, you were a kid. I just caught myself calling my teenage self ugly the other day on my way to visit my mom and I had to stop and go "why am I saying this? I was just a kid." And it made me cry a li'l bit ngl, but if felt... idk it felt good in a way.

Don't let fucking anyone tell you, you're not worth it. Does your friend make jokes about how dumb you are? Or how you're so cringey? Or so embarrassing or bad at something or forgetful or WHATEVER? Yeah, fuck that noise. Tell them to stop doing that. Tell them it hurts your feelings and if they still don't stop they aren't your friend, they're your bully. I fucking hate bullies. Don't let anyone talk down to you, I don't care if it was a joke at first, it's not funny anymore. Fuck them.

This is something I'm working on, but when you start fixing one insecurity another will probably pop up. I've been working for a long time on liking how I look, and it's gone really well. But now I'm insecure about my intelligence. So I have to stop myself from calling myself stupid or not answering questions. I just fucking rocked my work trivia party, and Mr. Ghoul thinks I'm smart, so I just gotta keep track of my wins. Sometimes you realize that making yourself secure in one thing makes you insecure about another, but that's ok! There's a learning curve to all of this.

Everyone thinks everyone else is better than them. You don't have to be the best at everything, you don't even have to be the best at one thing! What's important is that you're doing your best. People notice when you're working hard, even if you're not churning out the best product because it means you care about it. Which brings me to

Done is better than perfect. Sure it would be great if you were God's most specialist soldier, but think about how much work that would be! Ok so you're not the world's best knitter, but the scarf you made your friend is their favorite scarf anyway because you made it. So you're not a world class writer, but you had a story in your head and you wrote it down. That's better than it never being written at all. Also just because you think it's bad doesn't mean other people won't think it's a masterpiece. Hell, half of the fics I wrote when I first started this blog I could write better now but that doesn't make them bad, it just means I've gotten better.

We as humans are constantly improving and evolving. Don't let who you are no stop you from striving towards who you'll be in the future. Taking one step down the path towards loving yourself is better than giving up and hating yourself forever. It's slow going, but man I've been doing this shit for a decade and I'm so much happier than I was at 18.

You might think that the more you improve the harder and faller you'll fall back to the bottom, but the lows don't get that low again. You're doing great. I'm proud of you.

[ttheagcd]

- cue golden girls theme song -

you know these past few months on here have been so ugh and blah as something happened to me and a few friends that killed the fucking vibe for us. slowly but surely people’s true colors came out and i never spoke about it but some people know from experiencing it. now we’re all starting to feel like we used to before which leads me to this post bc thanksgiving and whatnot. in the mood to give thanks to you because you’re the reason I get to keep writing alex / buck / my multi.

okay so i love you all for putting up with my ass, my laziness and alex’s too because i know he is not easy to deal with:

@epihlogue & @loveindomitable / @twistedgrace / @pcrfidia & @firepiloted & @gonnabuck / @athl3tes / @shadowbrn / @forrkeeps / @gldngrrls / @leschanceux / @cfthesoul / @billyktothemax / @mecwmellc / @snnydcys — been loving you from afar so yolo you get a mention too / @dalphahale / @westwingsolo

to my mutuals who are my mutuals and nothing more: keep kicking ass. we are lowkey admiring and loving you from afar and love seeing you do your shit.

i gotta give these following people a little specific shout out because without them, i would not still be here on this blog today.

@gccdgraces — ceejay you fucking phenomenal human being you. we’ve gotten so much more closer in the past few months and tbh having you as the one to help me deal this shit with was a saving grace. you’re not only a fucking amazing writer but also a fucking amazing human being. thank you for everything. love crying over all our babies and our bookish obsession. stay cool. never change and keep being that fabulous bitch you are.

@hstoryhuh / @soulwaned — oh my dear britt britt 😉 my homie. my little partner in crime. i fucking adore you and your dogs, precious babies 🥺 thank you for everything. for the laughs, for the crying in the feels, for talking about giving me all the things and then we just vibe along. i love everything we’ve done and will keep doing.

@ssolessurvivor — oh saturn, let’s start at the beginning yeah? idk how you came across my blog but thank you for it because holy shit look at us now. a billion and one au’s with our boys and they keep on coming 😂 thank you for liking and trusting me enough to deep dive into logan and his past. not all oc’s have a defined background and information, the majority do but some don’t and that’s where things get hazy and it is so fucking hard to write with an oc when there’s barely any info for anyone to learn about but you cover any and every inch of logan’s past and future. but also thanks for letting me throw anyone at him lmao it’s been fun as hell.

@thcrealheroes — DELLA MY LOVE. my ride or die bitch. we barely write anymore but i still follow and love your ass all over the place because you cannot get rid of me 😏 i couldn’t do this and not mention you. god it feels like we’ve lived 50 lives in the time we’ve been rp-ing together. we’ve been through some shit and always find some way to share the experience, even if it doesn’t directly hit us both. lmao i fucking love you and your kids.

@kookmade — link i know that i mentioned your multi above but i had to give rafe’s blog its own little shout out because this is the blog we met and all. thank you for being my lil football homie and letting me constantly cry about taylor / alex at you. fucking love it and your muses. thank you for hearing me out as well on certain days.

i am so fucking sorry if i forgot someone. i probably did fuck me. i’m sorry if i did, i promise it’s not you. it’s my fucking brain.

[lukaalnst-official]

Till, you got something wrong.

Music may not be something I always enjoyed, but Hyuna showed me that music can be much more. You can think whatever you want, or whatever that makes me look worse. But I also worked for my place, I worked to become perfect. I worked to rule the stage. Hyuna gave me a reason to sing and entertain, she inspired me.

As for being a Trophy. It’s better than being nothing. Maybe one day learn,It’s better than being shit. My name is out there because of my hard work. Maybe I will one day get replaced, but it’s better to keep working than not. I’m not like you Till like you said. Pets are made to obey there guardians. To please and entertain. It’s the way life works. Why don’t you just accept it?

When you saw Mizi, what did you think was gonna happen? She was going to save you? Even if you did grab her hand. What you think would happen? Now because of you, she probably will take your place, and go back to performing. To be honest, you put her in a more dangerous situation than you were in. You could just simply died and Mizi could be free. you say that you care for her so much, but she will probably get punished and taken back.

And yes I do believe I’m perfect. I mean? I’m Luka. I know how to survive. If I was like you, I would been dead a longgg time ago. Yes, maybe you were loved and cared for. But what’s the point? Ivan is dead because of you, Mizi probably will get taken back, Your mother. Well I mean you died. So?

And I don’t need a Mother. All I need is my Guardian. Maybe if you listened to your guardian, you would still be alive and could have beaten me. My father made me perfect, which is the only thing that should matter. Your mother did teach you too sing, so why did you die? If it meant that much to you.

I sing for Hyuna, she showed me how much she loved to sing. Your mother taught you to sing, so why did you fail that miserably? If you knew that your mother was scared of you being in Alien stage. Then right on the moment you stepped that alien stage. That should have been your motivation.

Till you don’t need people to care for you. All you need is to survive. That’s all that matters. Your opponents are mere pawns. They shouldn’t matter. Only thing that should matter is survival. Which you, Ivan and all the others suck at. Alien stage isn’t a kids game. We are not in Anakt garden anymore.

You did have talent. But you didn’t have a brain. Even after all your guardian did for you, you didn’t learn a single thing. Not even a single survival skill. Your the definition of a wasted potential.

my hands are fucking freezing. what the hell is going on.

[kwamiwayzz]

Do you have any jeckole Headcanons?

Or:

Jecka Headcanons/Nicole Headcanons (seperatly)

<33

Brain rot coming in. I also want to mention that a majority of these headcanons are rooted in my “Jeckole moving away after graduation and eventually healing years later despite still being a bit fucked up” headcanon. Some headcanons are also inspired by the ones from people who were once super active in the fandom months ago.

Jecka ends up getting accepted to a university in California which leads to her ticket out of her shitty town (she starts with Undecided for some time but ends up choosing pre-med to eventually become a doctor).

Nicole ends up tagging along with her out of convenience at first (she was a bit hesitant at first because she knows she’ll probably bring Jecka down whatever bullshit she gets herself into, but it beats being alone). She also ends up moving out with Jecka because LA is where she’s wanted to go for some time. Also, her mom was actually planning on kicking her out for good (even though her loser brother still gets to freeload).

I personally see Nicole as someone who suffers from extreme depression and self-worth issues due to her upbringing and is more on the cusp of having ASPD (but also, I’m still learning about ASPD, so correct me if it doesn’t work that way).

Jecka has the capability of becoming as fucked up and abusive as her dad. I mostly say this from the scene in Flip Side where she yells at Crispin telling him to off himself, unprovoked.

I also see Jecka as a potential alcoholic with anger issues (if she stayed with her dad any further).

Nicole has a form of cPTSD from her unstable environment and the implication that one of her stepfathers abused her. Even if she were to be placed in a stable environment after high school, the damage has already been done, and she’d still find ways to fuck it up because she every time she felt genuinely a little happy/satisfied with her living situation, it would disappear in puff of smoke.

Nicole ends up on meds and therapy years after moving out of Virginia, but it’s off-and-on.

Jecka also goes on meds and therapy after having a mental breakdown in med school and also after shoving Nicole against a book case during one of their arguments (she’s more consistent with it than Nicole).

During their time living in LA together, Nicole goes homeless three separate times, with one of them being her getting kicked out after Jecka finally had enough of her shit. The last time Nicole goes homeless, it’s after having an extremely difficult time adjusting to the meds and therapy and her cPTSD makes her want to leave because actual stability was getting too real for her.

Despite kicking her out for her bullshit, Jecka still lets Nicole live with her because she’s still codependent on her. Nicole is one of the few people she can be her fucked up self around, and also asked her to come to LA because she didn’t want to be alone either.

Nicole is 1/4 Asian on her dad’s side.

Following Progman’s fic, Jecka sees herself as Nicole’s savior but not entirely in an “I can fix her” type of way.

The only people from high school they still keep in touch with is Emily, with Kelly and Ari added after meeting again at a bar a decade later.

Even though Jecka’s doctor money keeps them both afloat, Nicole ends up working at a bar as a consistent job just to keep herself busy.

The only person from Jecka’s family that she keeps in touch with is her mom. She stays in contact with her dad for financial reasons, but cuts him off after she doesn’t need him anymore.

Nicole cuts off everyone from her family.

Nicole ends up getting sleeve tattoos after being sober from cutting for a significant period of time (I don’t know what the designs would be though).

aurawra21 also mentioned this, but Nicole would probably lean more towards a masc/butch look years after high school. This would include chopping her hair to shoulder length.

I also agree with the general headcanon that Jecka would have abs and have a more toned body compared to Nicole’s stick noodle-like figure.

Nicole would be the type to throw Jecka’s textbook out the window to force her to take a break while studying for med school.

Nicole is a secret nerd/geek (knowing that manga should be read from right to left, liking Mythbusters, used to play video games with her brother—all mentioned somewhere in the original game and Re-Up).

If she cared about school more, Nicole’s favorite subject would probably be chemistry.

Jecka sometimes gets very overprotective over Nicole especially after 1) getting shot by the crazy cop (Re-Up), 2) having nightmares of running to Nicole too late during the People Pleaser Route (Class of ‘09 Suicide Ending), 3) finding out Nicole overdosed/got poisoned by opioids during the very last time she went homeless (Future Timeline headcanon).

I sometimes see Jecka as a pretty neurotic person, who tries and fails to hide it.

When really affectionate, Jecka really loves to kiss Nicole’s neck (angsty reasons in one of my original posts lol).

The two simultaneously make each other better and worse.

They enter an off-and-on situationship for a number of years until they decide to get court married for the benefits.

They wear fake marriage rings when out in public in an effort to try and ward off desperate men. It doesn’t always work, but they’ll never admit to each other that they actually do like wearing them.

Aaaannnddd these are the most that I’ve remembered at the top of my head. I might add more as time goes on, but I love the idea of them reaching adulthood and becoming somewhat more well-adjusted over time.

[kariachi]

It has been like 5 million years since I’ve written villain4villain Levinstar, but it still is an amazing concept for anybody who wants to write a complete fucking drama-filled, violent, people-eating mess teetering on the edge of disaster.

[hplonesomeart]

Hehe this man is broken and severely emotionally distressed. Silly lovable guy but given self esteem issues because of the crushing weight of perfectionism. Not so funny if you think about it too long. But at least on the upside he cries pretty :))

No but seriously for all those who relate to Mr. Puzzles just want you to know your accomplishments alone do not define your value and worth as a person. Even when you’re a messy work in progress, you are loved and appreciated more than you may recognize. Thank you for being here. Don’t get me wrong it’s good to be idealistic and set goals, but don’t undermine yourself if you don’t get that perfect score….or if you start to fall behind compared to everyone else. Everyone goes through those moments of doubt or perceived failure. We need to fail every once in a while. And that’s okay

…a-anyways funny goofy dramatic TV guy we love him so much so silly so slay he lives in my head rent free yipeee. This animation is dedicated to him because if anyone in the cast deserved a feature length film it was definitely him, and he sure took up the spotlight in Puzzlevison and absolutely owned it. I’m excited for his future endeavors ✨

[rapidhighway]

Ahahaaaa oh my goddd can you not make "ADHD undereating" and "ADHD overeating" into a competition of who has it worse and who has nothing to complain about, that'd be awesome

[townslore]

watching the miraculous movie has done irreversible damage to my brain. hands you miraculous shuake au.

[shalomniscient]

words cannot express how tempted i am to jump right into writing this f1au arle p0rn and skip all the plot YET AT THE SAME TIME i have the carnal need to do au worldbuilding........................

[smytherines]

I'm overanalysing spies again and tell me why Owen Carvour is using his gun in his left hand in a1p1, his left hand during the casino flashback, his left hand during the staircase scene, but during the Torture Tango flashback, the Owen hallucination is holding the gun in his RIGHT hand, like DMA does

Owen does have the gun in his right hand during the choreography in a1p1, which explains why it's echoed in hallucination Owen because Tatiana is standing in the same position Owen used to be in, but still it took me out for a minute. Its just a ridiculous attention to detail to transition from that to hallucination Owen being in position to shoot Curt

It raises the question because if that's Curt's hallucination then it can't make decisions on movement, that's Curt's imagination not a person, implying that maybe on some subconscious level Curt did recognize Owen as he was being tortured, and either he couldn't let himself accept it or he thought that was a hallucination too? Like he recognized Owen but he's spent so much time seeing Owen everywhere he looks that he just assumes he is wrong about it

Or maybe it just looked cool I don't know

[all-thestories-aretrue]

Here are the Thoughts™️I promised @discordkittenterumi

This post is a much longer follow to this post from last night as I was listening to episode 60.

This post is also in conversation with with something @peppedstep mentioned about Neil’s loyalty to the coterie, which I touch on briefly.

Everything sort of solidified in my brain after finishing 60 at like 2 am last night.

In 60, we see Neil wake up in a strange place with Weathers and Amara with him. The last thing he remembers is running from his sire which seems to be several days ago.

Neil also does not remember much of Baghdad (which is a whole separate post that is coming. I have many thoughts about Nara and Neil in that situation).

He routinely has panic attacks, some of which lead to dissociation. For example, before his trial in 37 and 38, we see him go catatonic when he realizes his haven is under attack. Dissociation is not usually something that happens to someone once and then never again. It’s a coping mechanism, and I don’t think it’s a stretch to say it’s something he experiences, perhaps not regularly, but with some sort of frequency.

In addition, many of his rituals require his mind to be separated from his body, and we know kalif also impacts his cognitive function as also seen in Baghdad. He has the capability of astral projecting which leaves his body behind, defenseless. The ritual with the bull in 6, he had others stay nearby just in case something were to happen. The second time he completes the ritual, Johnny escorts him.

Neil is often dependent on the people around him to keep him safe, and we see him repeatedly look to others for their judgement before he makes a decision on his own. He looks to Nara to trust Jubair, and he looks to Amara to trust Catherine and this mission. In these two cases in particular, he’s forced to rely on others’ assessments of the situation because he cannot make his own. In addition, relies on Britta and Miles to defend him in court while Johnny and Wynn take care of his haven. He also places an immense amount of trust in the coterie and their decisions, generally speaking.

Peppedstep mentioned that family is important to Neil, the coterie is important to Neil. He consistently revolves around the idea of keeping them together and spending their final nights together. I agree, but to add another layer to that, Neil trusts everyone in the coterie, and as has often been discussed, trust is an extremely rare commodity for Kindred, and in some cases doesn’t exist at all. What Neil has with the coterie almost seems to be unprecedented given the general picture of the Camarilla and Kindred society the audience is presented with. He knows these people will protect him and/or his body when he is unable to.

I would imagine, without them, his quality of life would be diminished, and all it would take is one mistake, one bad episode, for him to meet final death or another horrible fate, especially considering his abilities. It was a stroke of luck that Amara and Weathers picked Neil up.

His drug use, mental health issues, and magical abilities all work closely together to form a complex web of memory loss and a distrust of his own opinions. Even further, I would argue that his memory loss contributes to his lack of a sense of identity.

I believe it’s been mentioned a few times that Neil doesn’t really have a strong sense of identity (I am not going to sort through all 60 episodes to find those sources though, sorry! I do think it might have been brought up at the party when Fester was preparing him?), and that’s proven by how he talks about his worth early on when Wynn confronts him after the bull ritual. He, and I am paraphrasing here, believes he is useful because he can provide the coterie with knowledge. Later on, he mentions that Miles kept him around because of his specific abilities which again, his worth is tied up in his usefulness to people.

This mentality is compounded by his early history with his sire. In 51 or 52 (I can’t remember which and I’m not going to look it up), it’s described that Neil looks at his sire the way one might look at an abusive parent. Neil is absolutely terrified of this person even now. Based on Neil’s nonconfrontational personality, some of his coping mechanisms in the face of this abuse could easily be making himself small, agreeing with his sire, etc. leading to the people-pleasing nature we see in Neil now. Peppedstep also posited that Neil could have been Embraced to be made in his sire’s image. We know he is a loner, we know he has visions, and maybe he also feels the need for family in his own demented way. Regardless of if that is true, Neil’s sire had a massive effect on who Neil became as a Kindred and without question would influence his sense of identity. If Peppedsteps’s theory is true, then Neil’s sire would have stripped away any sense of who he was to remake him in his image.

TLDR: Neil has memory loss from a combination of drug use, mental health issues, and magical abilities which make him reliant on others for his safety in certain circumstances and further exacerbate his lack of a sense of identity.

Thank you for coming to my ted talk.

[simcardiac-arrested]

they really made me pay for my sins (staying up drawing oc angst) by deploying The Mosquito

[youchangedmedestiel]

I'm never bored anymore. You know why? Because Destiel exists, and it keeps my brain busy. All the time.

If I have to wait in line for something, I wonder: "When was the first time Cas healed Dean? What was the context? Why did he do it? How Dean reacted?"

If I'm getting bored at a party or a dinner, my brain goes "Maybe I could a fanfic where Dean pranks Cas to flirt."

If I'm in the train for hours, *type frantically on my phone's memo the rest of the fic I'm currently working on.*

If I'm at work and have to do a repetitive and boring task, *listen to a destiel podfic.*

I have never been this glad to wait in line, attending a lame party, travelling in the train for hours or working on a repetitive task before because it means I'll have time to think, write or read about them.

[why-the-heck-not]

Starting to almost wish I could just go do this fucking presentation today solely bc I’m getting mad and tired of the anxiety, how is it physically possible to be this anxious for so many days straight. There has to be a limit how long u can be on the verge of an anxiety attack like ????