#even if it's not doing shit in my brain anymore

[thecircularsystem]

Feeling a bit weird tonight about labels and shit, as always.

I’m a mixed origin system.

I’m also a DID system.

Those two things don’t clash at all; my origins are all trauma, but two of my parts are created. And I was convinced for a very long time that I had to choose: I’m either traumagenic DID, or I’m an example of endogenic DID, disordered plurality with parts who weren’t traumatized.

For a very long time, I called all my parts traumagenic. But I fucking haaaate that terminology. Is it… accurate? Yeah, I guess. We did all come from trauma. We are all facets of a singular being who split into multiple parts due to childhood trauma.

But… I’m also Roy, who came to us in a dream. Am I a gateway system now?

I’m also Debra, who was created through mental exercises and parroting. Am I a willogenic system now?

I’m also LED, who was created through repeated innerworld trauma leading to physical ailments and torture in my own brain. What do I even call that??? Does it count???

We have so many parts. We can pinpoint what made us split — as in, the things we split to handle, what we are good at, our “jobs” — but… “traumagenic” just doesn’t work.

I’m a DID system. I am not traumagenic.

I’m mixed-origins because the origins of my parts are from so many different fucking things. Trauma from my parents, from CSA, from COCSA, from bullying, from online harassment, from abusing myself (is that even a thing? Does it count enough to still be DID????)

But it’s easier just to call myself traumagenic most of the time, because so many people are so viciously focused on origins.

I’m not. I don’t… care. I stopped caring awhile ago, beyond the implications of which systems I’m apparently allowed to talk to. Because since I have created alters. I’m somehow not allowed to be friends with my close friends online, even though they’ve never once cared. But they’re anti-endo, right?

Which means I’m not mixed origins. I don’t count. I’m… “just” traumagenic.

I’m a DID system. Do origins really matter anymore, or can I just go back to being friends with people who respect me for who I am?

[kariachi]

It has been like 5 million years since I’ve written villain4villain Levinstar, but it still is an amazing concept for anybody who wants to write a complete fucking drama-filled, violent, people-eating mess teetering on the edge of disaster.

[hplonesomeart]

Hehe this man is broken and severely emotionally distressed. Silly lovable guy but given self esteem issues because of the crushing weight of perfectionism. Not so funny if you think about it too long. But at least on the upside he cries pretty :))

No but seriously for all those who relate to Mr. Puzzles just want you to know your accomplishments alone do not define your value and worth as a person. Even when you’re a messy work in progress, you are loved and appreciated more than you may recognize. Thank you for being here. Don’t get me wrong it’s good to be idealistic and set goals, but don’t undermine yourself if you don’t get that perfect score….or if you start to fall behind compared to everyone else. Everyone goes through those moments of doubt or perceived failure. We need to fail every once in a while. And that’s okay

…a-anyways funny goofy dramatic TV guy we love him so much so silly so slay he lives in my head rent free yipeee. This animation is dedicated to him because if anyone in the cast deserved a feature length film it was definitely him, and he sure took up the spotlight in Puzzlevison and absolutely owned it. I’m excited for his future endeavors ✨

[rapidhighway]

Ahahaaaa oh my goddd can you not make "ADHD undereating" and "ADHD overeating" into a competition of who has it worse and who has nothing to complain about, that'd be awesome

[townslore]

watching the miraculous movie has done irreversible damage to my brain. hands you miraculous shuake au.

[shalomniscient]

words cannot express how tempted i am to jump right into writing this f1au arle p0rn and skip all the plot YET AT THE SAME TIME i have the carnal need to do au worldbuilding........................

[smytherines]

I'm overanalysing spies again and tell me why Owen Carvour is using his gun in his left hand in a1p1, his left hand during the casino flashback, his left hand during the staircase scene, but during the Torture Tango flashback, the Owen hallucination is holding the gun in his RIGHT hand, like DMA does

Owen does have the gun in his right hand during the choreography in a1p1, which explains why it's echoed in hallucination Owen because Tatiana is standing in the same position Owen used to be in, but still it took me out for a minute. Its just a ridiculous attention to detail to transition from that to hallucination Owen being in position to shoot Curt

It raises the question because if that's Curt's hallucination then it can't make decisions on movement, that's Curt's imagination not a person, implying that maybe on some subconscious level Curt did recognize Owen as he was being tortured, and either he couldn't let himself accept it or he thought that was a hallucination too? Like he recognized Owen but he's spent so much time seeing Owen everywhere he looks that he just assumes he is wrong about it

Or maybe it just looked cool I don't know

[all-thestories-aretrue]

Here are the Thoughts™️I promised @discordkittenterumi

This post is a much longer follow to this post from last night as I was listening to episode 60.

This post is also in conversation with with something @peppedstep mentioned about Neil’s loyalty to the coterie, which I touch on briefly.

Everything sort of solidified in my brain after finishing 60 at like 2 am last night.

In 60, we see Neil wake up in a strange place with Weathers and Amara with him. The last thing he remembers is running from his sire which seems to be several days ago.

Neil also does not remember much of Baghdad (which is a whole separate post that is coming. I have many thoughts about Nara and Neil in that situation).

He routinely has panic attacks, some of which lead to dissociation. For example, before his trial in 37 and 38, we see him go catatonic when he realizes his haven is under attack. Dissociation is not usually something that happens to someone once and then never again. It’s a coping mechanism, and I don’t think it’s a stretch to say it’s something he experiences, perhaps not regularly, but with some sort of frequency.

In addition, many of his rituals require his mind to be separated from his body, and we know kalif also impacts his cognitive function as also seen in Baghdad. He has the capability of astral projecting which leaves his body behind, defenseless. The ritual with the bull in 6, he had others stay nearby just in case something were to happen. The second time he completes the ritual, Johnny escorts him.

Neil is often dependent on the people around him to keep him safe, and we see him repeatedly look to others for their judgement before he makes a decision on his own. He looks to Nara to trust Jubair, and he looks to Amara to trust Catherine and this mission. In these two cases in particular, he’s forced to rely on others’ assessments of the situation because he cannot make his own. In addition, relies on Britta and Miles to defend him in court while Johnny and Wynn take care of his haven. He also places an immense amount of trust in the coterie and their decisions, generally speaking.

Peppedstep mentioned that family is important to Neil, the coterie is important to Neil. He consistently revolves around the idea of keeping them together and spending their final nights together. I agree, but to add another layer to that, Neil trusts everyone in the coterie, and as has often been discussed, trust is an extremely rare commodity for Kindred, and in some cases doesn’t exist at all. What Neil has with the coterie almost seems to be unprecedented given the general picture of the Camarilla and Kindred society the audience is presented with. He knows these people will protect him and/or his body when he is unable to.

I would imagine, without them, his quality of life would be diminished, and all it would take is one mistake, one bad episode, for him to meet final death or another horrible fate, especially considering his abilities. It was a stroke of luck that Amara and Weathers picked Neil up.

His drug use, mental health issues, and magical abilities all work closely together to form a complex web of memory loss and a distrust of his own opinions. Even further, I would argue that his memory loss contributes to his lack of a sense of identity.

I believe it’s been mentioned a few times that Neil doesn’t really have a strong sense of identity (I am not going to sort through all 60 episodes to find those sources though, sorry! I do think it might have been brought up at the party when Fester was preparing him?), and that’s proven by how he talks about his worth early on when Wynn confronts him after the bull ritual. He, and I am paraphrasing here, believes he is useful because he can provide the coterie with knowledge. Later on, he mentions that Miles kept him around because of his specific abilities which again, his worth is tied up in his usefulness to people.

This mentality is compounded by his early history with his sire. In 51 or 52 (I can’t remember which and I’m not going to look it up), it’s described that Neil looks at his sire the way one might look at an abusive parent. Neil is absolutely terrified of this person even now. Based on Neil’s nonconfrontational personality, some of his coping mechanisms in the face of this abuse could easily be making himself small, agreeing with his sire, etc. leading to the people-pleasing nature we see in Neil now. Peppedstep also posited that Neil could have been Embraced to be made in his sire’s image. We know he is a loner, we know he has visions, and maybe he also feels the need for family in his own demented way. Regardless of if that is true, Neil’s sire had a massive effect on who Neil became as a Kindred and without question would influence his sense of identity. If Peppedsteps’s theory is true, then Neil’s sire would have stripped away any sense of who he was to remake him in his image.

TLDR: Neil has memory loss from a combination of drug use, mental health issues, and magical abilities which make him reliant on others for his safety in certain circumstances and further exacerbate his lack of a sense of identity.

Thank you for coming to my ted talk.

[simcardiac-arrested]

they really made me pay for my sins (staying up drawing oc angst) by deploying The Mosquito

[youchangedmedestiel]

I'm never bored anymore. You know why? Because Destiel exists, and it keeps my brain busy. All the time.

If I have to wait in line for something, I wonder: "When was the first time Cas healed Dean? What was the context? Why did he do it? How Dean reacted?"

If I'm getting bored at a party or a dinner, my brain goes "Maybe I could a fanfic where Dean pranks Cas to flirt."

If I'm in the train for hours, *type frantically on my phone's memo the rest of the fic I'm currently working on.*

If I'm at work and have to do a repetitive and boring task, *listen to a destiel podfic.*

I have never been this glad to wait in line, attending a lame party, travelling in the train for hours or working on a repetitive task before because it means I'll have time to think, write or read about them.

[why-the-heck-not]

Starting to almost wish I could just go do this fucking presentation today solely bc I’m getting mad and tired of the anxiety, how is it physically possible to be this anxious for so many days straight. There has to be a limit how long u can be on the verge of an anxiety attack like ????

[camzverse]

wish some of u were into typology id love to know how youd type some fnaf chars so bad

[caeslxys]

"I’ve seen a lot of people say that the Hells will side with the gods and I don’t think I agree. Especially as Imogen has been scolded and villainized over and over for daring to try and save her mother—who herself has been seen by some as an irredeemable evil in spite of her drive being the exact same—her family—but when it’s the Gods it’s justified? When it’s the Gods, it’s sympathetic? Too sympathetic to criticize further than “they’re family”?"

good meta op, but i'm slightly confused about this part. are you talking of the fandom here or the narrative? because from what i've seen and remember, imogen has definitely been scolded or villanized as you say, by the fandom, but has she been treated that way by the hells or anyone else? i guess keyleth comes to mind, but apart from that, the hells seemed supportive of her wanting to reach out and reconcile with her mom.

Prefacing what i'm sure will be an overly long mostly tangent: you obviously do not have to agree with my interpretations of any scene I'm about to bring up and if you don't sick cool please do not make it a problem

A bit of both, to be honest! The use of the word “villainizing” was definitely more geared toward fandom response, but Imogen has absolutely been scolded—or maybe shamed is the better word—in campaign several times! Yes by Keyleth threatening her in front of them all just for being ruidusborn and related to Liliana, but also by Orym in particular several times.

Which is not to say that Orym doesn’t want Imogen to save her mother—obviously he does!—but it has definitely been more than once that he has shut down her grief and her processing her relationship with her mother by inserting his own grief over it, notably in the immediate aftermath of Ruidus and convo with Liliana.

(Which, yes, he immediately apologized for, but I do find it interesting that Imogen got shit from fandom for her response in the scene I'm about to bring up in episode 49 for EVER but no one was allowed to criticize Orym's response as impulsive and insensitive there and he notably was not disassociating or being actively manipulated. Just think it's interesting!)

And while it wasn’t nearly so livid in it’s delivery, that moment in 49 where she was just trying to process seeing her mother and speaking with her and being presented with the idea of peace for the first time in her life was delivered (though you could argue this wasn’t his intent; honestly I don’t think it was, but—) in a way that immediately had her plummeting into self-deprecating apologies for being effectively manipulated. I’ve actually written a bit before about how I find the youth of his grief making it more volatile in comparison to the rest of the hells’ grief deeply compelling as a thematic beat!

That’s a bit of a tangent just bc I find specifically the dynamic between Orym/Imogen/Liliana to be a very compelling one lmao but even in the Uthodurn arc with Chetney insight checking her to see if she was telling the truth or not about her intentions with her mother. Or Fearne bringing up to Orym (also back in 49) the question of what they planned to do with/to her if she turned. It's not that I think, necessarily, that those were ill intentioned but they were coming from a place of, at best, mistrust specifically because of her connection to Liliana. Really only Ashton and Laudna—and FCG, funnily enough—have not in some way taken her grief and yearning and turned against her when it comes to placing their trust in her (whether she was aware they did so or not), which of course speaks to a certain interpretation they had of her character at the time.

And, also, this has obviously since changed and most of them mostly understand where she’s coming from now—especially Orym!—but it doesn’t make the fact that it happened any less true!

[westywallowing]

the thing that really gets me about ocd is that you can have obsessive thoughts about ANYTHING. and that shit will keep you up at night no matter how tired you are bcuz it's all your brain will think about. close ur eyes and u can see it like it taped to the back of your eyelids

[todayisafridaynight]

they are judging you

[bunnihearted]

🫎