#I’m so ashamed all the time
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I would love to understand why my brain and body are desperate to not shower in the safety of my own home but perked up at the offer to go shower at the gym that’s full of people I don’t know and men who could pin me and locker rooms with open doorways and less control over cleanliness than I can get in my own apartment. Something something the years of swim practice and swim meet locker room showers being safe I guess?
#I’ll allow it#I’ll even encourage it if it can help me get over 6 miles walked per day again#but can I please fucking shower? I feel so gross#I have never in my life had as hard a time showering or bathing as I have this year and it’s been killing my self esteem#I feel like everyone knows I’m gross and I KNOW I need to shower#it’s important#and I don’t want my hair greasy or anything#but I go out of my way to avoid it except for an occasional hair wash or body shower when I need to go to an event#and it’s driving me CRAZY#cleanliness is really really next to godliness in my family and also I know everyone in the world views hygiene as a moral issue#and I CAN SHOWER I did it for YEARS I even did it daily for years I used to be SO good at always always doing at least the minimum#even if sleep deprived or sick#but now it’s like I’m stuck SCREAMING and slamming my palms bloody in a containment cell somewhere in the center of my concept of a body#BEGGING to just stop being so gross and to do a daily face routine and use lotion and keep my teeth healthy and keep my hair clean#and it doesn’t even matter#I’m so ashamed all the time#but my brain doesn’t give a shit about it anymore#it views the endless shame as a lesser evil and god I hope I figure out how to get that stopped#I don’t even get triggered in the shower!!! I don’t know what’s wrong! my brain just does everything it can#to keep me from undressing and showering#no matter how much I hate it#and this is so tmi sorry oh god#I’ll probably delete this later#but#shh katie#add to journal#is it the dissociation? is it the adhd? is it the ptsd?#FINALLY my POTS symptoms chill out for the winter and now THIS?
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yeah so this was insane
#i feel like too many people reduce this interaction to jason being like ‘lol same’#but idk :/#this chapter is from jason’s pov#and leading up to it he’s like ‘people keep walking on eggshells around me bc of the the michael varus stab wound’#and he hates it so when he goes on deck to help out with the storm#everyone’s like wtf except for percy#and jason states how much he appreciated percy not treating him like a sick kid#and i feel like it’s echoed in this sentiment where jason could say so many things like#‘you should never feel that way’ ‘im here if you need anything’#but he doesn’t make percy feel alone in his desire to just…. end it all#which ik for some people that doesn’t work but you’re not a character in hoo and percy is dealing with so much guilt#and he can’t tell annabeth bc she’s a main aspect of that guilt#and he doesn’t wanna guilt her more and he feels ashamed and when he describes this he feels weird for feeling it#so having jason this tough guy be like ‘yo i understand it bc i felt the same way#that’s gotta mean a lot to percy#also insane how jason who also struggles to display vulnerability#allows it in one of few times in this moment just so percy this guy he’s supposed to be jealous about#feels comforted and not alone in his guilt and shame#and also it’s just insane how jason’s wanting to kay em ess does not get talked about AT ALL#and just seeing his mom and the pressure of new rome getting to him#like this scene is insane and i’ll never shut up about it#also ignore me i’m just finishing my reread of hoo that took all summer#jason grace#percy jackson#pjo#ashla.txt
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do u think either charles or erik had trouble coming to terms with their love for one another?? like religious guilt, internalized homophobia, etc.
Many such cases really … not hard to imagine them dealin with that …
#snap chats#erik might depend tho. depends on when he realizes hes in love with charles#before going Full Magneto i can imagine SOME internalized guilt but post prob not#under the whole ‘why be ashamed of what i am in ANY regard’ and all that#charles def probably has a worse time dealing with feelings of guilt#tho thats just charles in general being in love with someone i fear fjOWDJAKS#i cant imagine gender has anything to do with it tho. just charles Being Charles#hang on im sitting here thinking about it now#i think charles and erik wouldnt DOUBT the love they have for each other just- again depending on what era of erik this is- may be hesitant#magneto erik reads more as Bitterly in love with charles do you know what i mean#like ‘i love you and its painful i love you because of how incompatible we are now’ type shit#charles got that tired divorced-but-still-in-love dad energy about him towards magneto#fuck i was supposed to talk about their First Feelings Of Love im so off topic djOAZJSJ#my brain refuses to think of them younger than their thirties im so sorry let me try again#yeah no i could see them both accept the fact they have feelinfs about each other but for one reason or another not act on it#esp if they were with gab at the time. Oops. its kinda awkward now#in THAT RESPECT THEN i can see charles feeling conflicted and a little guilty#ditto on eriks part if he acknowledges charles’ feelings for gab#but without gab in the picture? i could see charles making a move and not being so ashamed of himself#maybe. after some time together i do see charles making the first move#would erik reciprocate and admit his feelings in that moment ? maybe not. give him like. a day or two tho diOEDJSJ#i typed all that bullshit for nothing sorry i put the answer at rhe very bottom we know how i am at this point#see now i just imagine charles talking to erik about accepting his queerness and erik getting snooty#like No Erik Im Not Saying This So You’ll Date Me I’m Saying This So You Love Yourself or something to that tune#and charles is truthful in that hes all about helping others accept themselves. and thats exactly why erik falls harder in love with him 😔#and then they make out sloppy style the end
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Hey 🗑️🔥 gang (@katkastrofa @rokurookajima @shadelorde)…
Heard you guys like feral women 😏😏😏
#yes this is directly inspired by Syd and Nightmare’s recent animalistic Raava pieces#I’m sorry if you expected something related to the spirit kites but I’m obsessed with my OCs first and foremost#and Suiren is already very feral in most verses. the mermaid AU just adds a biological factor to it#but actually. fun fact. she doesn’t even look as feral as she would be were she a full mermaid#(yeah I’m spoiler alert that’s not really a spoiler given that I drew a lot for this AU last year and already gave it away. Ghazan’s human)#(meaning Suiren’s only half mermaid. I’ve never drawn her in this AU but I imagine Ming-Hua looking ever more monster like)#(bc I dislike when mermaids are just pretty girls with fish tails. give me FANGS and CLAWS and SCALES and GILLS and FINS)#(so yeah. Ming-Hua has a lot more scaled and also dorsal fins running higher up her back. and a more dexterous tail. I should draw her)#but I hope the vibe still comes across. with the blood and all 😁#was it a fish she ate or a too curious human? that’s for me to know and for you to find out#ANYWAY!! some new headcanons about my mermaids based on what you guys said about human Raava:#my mermaids don’t inherently know human language. their underwater communication sounds similar to whale singing#above water it’s more of a chirping noise? though more elongated and melodic than a dolphin’s. something between a trill and a whine#and most don’t have the capacity to speak human language. but sirens have unique vocal chords that allow the siren spell to work#it’s similar to a parrot’s. they’re very good at mimicry. it’s an evolutionary hunting tactic#but they also have more developed brains than a parrot’s therefore can not only mimic but consciously speak#though it takes time to master. like a foreign language#am I implying that when Mingzan met as kids they couldn’t understand each other and Ghazan taught her to speak human? yes. yes I am#because I’m a sucker for language barriers and think that scenario is adorable. fucking sue me.#and obliviously Suiren was taught both mermaid and human. but it was Midori who helped her keep up her knowledge#(look I don’t have that part plotted out yet but Something happens to their parents and they’re left on their own. as a parallel to SotRL)#(also btw Midori was born without a tail but still not quite human. she has scales and gills and ear fins and fangs and glowing eyes)#(and no one but Suiren and Haya know about all that. Haya makes her hide it and convinces her that she’s a half fish freak :/)#(at least.. until a certain Beifong with an interest in marine biology comes along…)#(yes Green Opal in this verse are the epitome of ‘there are many benefits to being a marine biologist’)#how did I end up talking about Midori. anyway. yes I made both Kuvira and Ghazan monsterfuckers. no I’m not ashamed#my art#artists on tumblr#Nia’s mermaid AU#sotrl suiren
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much love to the (multiple) mutuals i’ve seen agony posting on this fine new year’s day my heart is with you all in spirit 🎉🎉 the pain is incredible but this too will change
#i think i got through all my own angst after having a full on melt down spiraling panic attack and hiding in my room for approximately#92% of christmas day 👍#sucked ass btw. do not recommend#i hate this time of year and all these (northern hemisphere) winter holidays in particular#because it always feels like there’s So Many expectations to Be Happy!! Love Your Family!!! Become A Fresh New You!!!!!#which ime never fucking works. sorry for being a bitch but the harder you push me to get into#The Christmas Spirit the grouchier and more depressed i get#you don’t have to change everything Right Now. you don’t have to fix yourself by the end of january#you have a lifetime to figure that shit out and it’s your goddamn right to spend that time on your own goddamn terms#i appreciate all of you 🫶#and i like having you around#sigh. 1 am somewhat incoherency pardon if i’m making little sense#i think i’m just over trying to find the One True Solution that will fix me and make me a perfect new person#that never has any conflict with anyone and never does embarrassing shit i’m ashamed of or fucks up by not being an#omniscient emotionless robot#i’ll hold onto the smaller goals if only because ‘it’s good to have things to look forward to’#etc. etc.#but. that’s it and only barely#really i just hope my birthday isn’t as utterly dogshit as last year but :]#we’ll fucking see#i should probably just block every tag i can think of related to american politics that day tbh#sigh. horrors of a january 20th birthday#anywho.#there’s my new years rant happy 2025 or whatever let’s see how long it takes me to remember to write the new date#storm tag#broadcasts from the astronaut
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a strange trend in my favorite characters I realize is that I tend to heavily gravitate toward somewhat obscure, antagonistic forces
#shoutout to the multiple months when I was young when I was obsessed with flatwoman#‘who the fuck is flatwoman’ heh. well. you ever watch the pbs kids show peg + cat?#she appeared in like two episodes and let’s just say. I would’ve died for her as a kid#and yup ok you guessed it this trend continued with my boy pumpkin daddy#what thehell is wrong with that guy and more important question why is he my absolute favorite character of all time#I’m not even talking strictly about PDBC here alright? in that I have full control over him#in ROOTS? oh boy unstoppable force of nature someone Actually euthanize him or something he’s going to commit heinous crimes if left alone#he’s So bizarre mind if I just talk about that before going back to sleep? his morals are all over the place#‘this poor abandoned child. her mother should be ashamed of doing this to her. anyway let’s kidnap her for money’#and then he fucking pretends that he didn’t remember that happening#not that it DIDNT happen but that he just doesn’t remember it??.okay go off king??#at this point I don’t even know if he was lying he might just have Alzheimer’s or something he’s gettin kinda old#also Alzheimer’s is the worst word ever I have to look it up to spell it every time ffs so annoying#also worth mentioning that he almost got himself killed in a pursuit of someone’s money#and then not even a YEAR later he was back at it again trying to scam the SAME people lol GIVE IT A REST#I didn’t type lol this is travesty istg I didn’t type lol there there’s a lol ghost on the loose#he needs to be put down or something#and why the hell is he actually one of the nicest parents like huh?..?man what??#yeah this is my little science experiment I made solely for money. i love her she’s beautiful she’s awesome#my brother in Christ pick a side are you horrible or not#ok also wait that reminds me. it was unintentionally implied that he wasn’t evil once#I won’t go into it for the sake of time but. raises eyebrow. what the hell do you mean#at least I think it was unintentional. it’s still weird to me and I never bothered asking#anyway I should probably go back to sleep I have n appointment in like. two hours. sigh#yayyyy I love characters who suck!!! 🥰🥰🥰 pop off you asshole king and or queen
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fun fact all those people who talk about how type 4 hair and dealing with it sucks are right but in a nuanced way where it’s actually systemic racism’s fault and not anything about our hair itself making it uniquely shitty
#the adas speak#we’re not taught anything about our hair. not only that but we’re taught everything about our hair is bad#it’s messy and unprofessional and ghetto. especially with the milennial generation who were raised on relaxers and perms#they were taught from so young to be ashamed of their hair. we were taught that our hair is unmanagable#and never given the chance to learn. it wasn’t all of us but a fuck ton of us in the US just. don’t know shit#and like. when the only people we know who can do hair are braiders we pay#i don’t think that’s really the kind of relationship where you can ask them to teach you. there is usually a relationship there#but idk if it’s ‘we’re friends over clients. let me lose business for you’ close ykwim. at least not all the time#so you’re learning on youtube. hating it bc it doesn’t make sense#you’re grown. you should know how to do your hair by now. but you don’t.#you’ve got like. all the racism and antiblackness building up. and it feels like they’re right. but they’re not! no one taught you!#but you can’t learn! you don’t know who to ask. and it’s a cycle of trying and getting frustrated and giving up and feeling guilty#and presumably if you’re tenacious enough you figure it out eventually but until then it’s just all these negative feelings that build up#like. our hair is arguably some of the easiest to deal with when our ancestors came up with so many ways to style it#the fact that i can spend a few hours in a salon and barely touch my hair for 2+ months is actually the epitome of convenience#and that’s also true of natural hair. maybe like a month instead but who else can go without touching their hair for a fucking month#but we are/were told that it’s so unmanagable and difficult when if we’d ever been properly taught it would be a fucking cakewalk#now. on one hand i’m being dramatic and emotional bc the dozens of tutorials i watched weren’t detailed enough for my incompetent ass#but on the other hand i’m literally right and this is systemic racism in action#i mean tbh i probably wouldn’t have done my hair regardless bc i didn’t care about my appearance and also was getting child abused#but i’d have a fuck ton more people to teach me in person if not for racism now wouldn’t I? my point still stands
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#maybe in another universe I kept every promise we made. and I made a life I could be proud of#and my friends didn’t forget me. and I’m not ashamed to let people see me#and I’m not too prideful to reach out first#and we stayed in each other’s lives in some way all this time#maybe in that universe instead of crying in my room alone. or being curled up next to someone who didn’t even want me#I was having a dinner party with all my friends to celebrate my accomplishments#maybe that other version of me is the one that’s engaged#maybe I’m a good cook and I have interesting hobbies and I love to laugh and my spirit is free#maybe I’m not so afraid of getting older because I’ve built something for myself and I don’t feel that all my best days are behind me
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My health problems/chronic illness and pain issues have made me want to k*ll mys*lf for a while now and this… This does not help those thoughts.
#personal#How do we live… How do we live through this?#I’m so ashamed and just angry (which is making me flare up so it’s not a fun time).#I can’t leave my body and I would give anything to.#I just wish someone tell me it’s all just a sick sad joke… and it��s not. Not at all.
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once again sorry to everyone for bringing this to your dashboards. but some of you are like, genuinely delirious. not even in a funny way. & i hope you die. i hope we both die. hand in unlovable hand etc etc
#Just so fucking bizarre to me how people can be Like This. there has to be something so wrong with your brain on a fundamental level#i can’t even laugh about this or anything because i genuinely feel pity for these people. it’s so sad to me how you’re gonna be like 20#and then go in a niche tumblr community and create drama over Nothing. over Thin Fucking Air#like do you not have a life? do you not have college? or a job? doesn’t it get tiring? don’t you ever feel ashamed about all this#and the fact that they go and complain about the shipping and the ‘fandombrained’ people as well…. oh my god#how are you going to be TWENTY. and DO THAT. are you seriously sick. ? do you need help#just say you are homophobic and that you hate kids and go. it’ll save everyone a bunch of time for sure#anyways. as someone who has been a rain world fan since 2018. i love you embracing canon. i love you changing canon. i love you disregarding#canon entirely. i love you ships that make sense in canon & that make absolutely zero sense at all. i love you fancharacters that don’t#follow canon rules. i love you ‘cringe’ fancharacters and self inserts. i love you self shipping. i love you oc x canon shipping.#and i love you taking inspiration from designs. i love you community & i love you artists & i love you art#i love you borrowing elements and being inspired and referencing something because you liked it.#are fandoms perfect? GOOD GOD no. is every Fan perfect? no. am i also sometimes annoyed or irrationally pissed off over a ship that#i think is stupid and is illogical. Yes! i’m only human! but i can still love and appreciate the whole CREATIVITY of it all. and the whole#Fun that people are having. i love you having fun. if i don’t like it or if anyone else doesn’t like it they can just Cope#instead of hateposting about it on main and indirectly bullying people who are most likely children. or lgbt. or both#anyways. please continue doing whatever you want. The world is your oyster and you only live on earth once#everyone else can fuck off
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born to be anti authority, cursed to be a people pleaser
#thinking about when I was like. around 10? and having a filling or something done at the dentist#and the dentist got me all prepped for it and asked me if I was ready#and I meant to say ‘uh-huh’ (couldn’t really talk bc my mouth had stuff in it)#but instead I said ‘uh-uh’ like as a negative answer#and the dentist just sternly said ‘yes’ and went to work#and at the time I was SO embarrassed and ashamed to have said no to him#but now I’m like. hey asshole. could’ve at least checked in on me or something? gave me a second? fuckface
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“so sad being a harry potter fan/jkr stan and a transphobe pick a struggle” ok but how’s it a struggle? ?? because weird losers i don’t know will try to bully me on the internet ??? y’all are just smug because you were nobody in high school and now you feel like you win at life because you have internet clout from tweens and perverted adult men plus the duds who jumped on the bandwagon because they have zero values and beliefs of their own …. like stop projecting i promise no one gives a fuck that you’re “different” it’s still annoying and your green shaved head and mushroom tattoo aren’t punk or even really that cool at all….get a grip fr …anyways i’m gonna struggle by A) being objectively right and B) enjoying my childish stories that have no shortage of material (and more on the way!) to keep me entertained
#feminism#jk rowling#harry potter#this applies to everyone#males and females#gay or not#trans identified or not#like so much if this movement is deadass made up of people who were unpopular in high school. and now they get off on being internet famous#and i was a huge loser in high school too so this isn’t some stance on social hierarchy#it’s just the kids who never got over not being cool when it actually meant something#so they’re trying to make it mean something now#and the saddest thing is that you’re still losers#and the biggest tell is that followers will always remain neutral#favouring the side of the cool people#hence the male he amount of silent so called allies#they’re gonna switch sides when this one goes under i’m afraid#anyways like it’s always the people who want attention who are the worst about this stuff#like i’m a huge harry potter fan. i was not popular in high school. people barely knew who i was#that is not something that was cool in the 2010s#but i’m still a fan and i’m not ashamed of that because i’m not just gonna flop on my interests and principles#and i’m not gonna let some weirdo who probably does actual weird shit make me feel bad about like one of the most beloved book franchises#of all time#when they were prob the types of weirdos having orgies under the stairs and grooming eachother and speaking japanese they learned from anime#anyways. i don’t know im just rambling im mad and tired and all seething and i want to bully someone about it
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bro i’m so sick of being mentally ill like this shit is so annoying bc why i am literally incapable of passing 4 courses in one semester. and mind you i have pretty much no social life and did one extracurricular this semester and exactly zero last year. what do you mean my friends go to parties on weekends and have jobs on campus and also hobbies and free time?
#like seriously wtf#i hate you executive dysfunction i hate you time blindness i hate you adhd paralysis i hate you depression#cause here’s the thing: i don’t want to be miserable anymore!!!#i hate feeling like this all the time i hate it so much#it feels like i’m wasting my life#bc every class i sign up for is one that im genuinely interested in and want to do the work and learn the content and engage w the material#and then when i inevitably can’t keep up w the workload i beat up on myself so much about it#bc in my mind academic failure and success is directly tied to whether or not i am a good person#so yeah i don’t feel great about passing 1/4 classes this semester#ok technically 1/3 bc i withdrew from the one course but like that still puts me a credit behind! and it feels like a failure anyway!#i got a c+ in the one i passed and im getting an incomplete so i can pass the other#but i’m gonna b honest i gave up on the third class#and like. idk i don’t wanna say im not a quitter bc i totally am and im not normally super ashamed of that i don’t think?#but i’m having a rlly hard time telling myself that it’s ok#that it’s ok that i gave up. it’s ok that i failed. it’s ok that i didn’t have it in me this time#but i’m trying#anyways#i’m real tired#but i drive home today!#excited for 6 weeks off#i find myself wishing things were different so often lately#i just hope next semester is better
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claustrophobia combined with agoraphobia, is the stupidest shit in the world. like, oh, you’re going actually insane being stuck in the house all the time, due to your disability? oh, here’s sickening anxiety about leaving the house, like, wow, well done brain 👍🏻
#it’s a constant loop of wanting to leave but not being able to leave#like if it’s not physically it’s mentally#and like even if i have the energy to go out my brain is like ‘everyone is staring at you bc you have a mobility aid.’#like before it was ‘you look dumb in that outfit’ but now it’s like levelled up#you look dumb in that outfit AND everyone’s staring at you <3#but like my brain isn’t even lying! ppl do stare at me when i’m out! i’m not imagining it like i used to when i was a kid#like i’ve CAUGHT them staring at me#and it feeds the creature in my brain that’s like ‘you don’t deserve to have a life because you’re not like them’#like thanks i guess#idk it’s my birthday soon so the big breakdown is happening and it’s just making everything worse#like you’ve been on this earth for over two decades and you have nothing to show for it#just a stupid fucking blog#no one actually cares what you have to say#no one actually knows who you are#you lie about every facet of your personality and won’t let people see the real you bc you’re ashamed of her#and you hate making people care about you bc you don’t feel worthy of love and yet you crave it so badly it aches#*sighs*#look whatever i might just disappear off this blog#i could say i’ll only use it when i actually have something to say but half the time all i have to say is this kinda shit so 🤷🏻♀️#if ppl really wanna reach me then sure but otherwise bye
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#i rly didn’t want to start therapy again bc I’ve had many bad therapy experiences in the past#and i’m also ashamed and terrified of what might come up bc i know there are many things i have been actively avoiding#which i know is precisely the reason why i should be doing it but#i just feel like it will bring up so much that i’ll feel a lot worse before i feel better and idk if i’m in the right state for that now#but i also feel like i’m reaching a breaking point and if i don’t seek help now i’ll end up ruining so many of my relationships#and disappointing so many people. not to mention that i’ve been slipping more and more at work every day#and the pressure to be absolutely perfect at it at all times never goes away#anyway. all this to say that i think i have to do it but i’m rly afraid#so would appreciate some love and prayers
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s9 of modern family when the whole family is going on boat trip was a great episode to establish lesbian!alex and bring back andy. there i said it
#to me the only reason alex’s relationship with men fails all the time is because she just isn’t into them#she’s so lesbian it hurts my soul they just decided to not go in that direction#she is always kind of ashamed by her sexuality in general and never feels comfortable with show interest around her family#which is get it i’m just like her#i just think it’d make super sense for them to go in that direction and yet they didn’t but keep giving her stupid interactions with men#who never give her character arc justice#and like in haley’s case after we found out dylan is um… married? with 3 kids?#like c’mon it’s was the perfect opportunity to bring andy back 😭#alex dunphy#haley dunphy#modern family
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