#I’m so ashamed all the time | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

goldkirk · 9 days ago

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I would love to understand why my brain and body are desperate to not shower in the safety of my own home but perked up at the offer to go shower at the gym that’s full of people I don’t know and men who could pin me and locker rooms with open doorways and less control over cleanliness than I can get in my own apartment. Something something the years of swim practice and swim meet locker room showers being safe I guess?

#I’ll allow it #I’ll even encourage it if it can help me get over 6 miles walked per day again #but can I please fucking shower? I feel so gross #I have never in my life had as hard a time showering or bathing as I have this year and it’s been killing my self esteem #I feel like everyone knows I’m gross and I KNOW I need to shower #it’s important #and I don’t want my hair greasy or anything #but I go out of my way to avoid it except for an occasional hair wash or body shower when I need to go to an event #and it’s driving me CRAZY #cleanliness is really really next to godliness in my family and also I know everyone in the world views hygiene as a moral issue #and I CAN SHOWER I did it for YEARS I even did it daily for years I used to be SO good at always always doing at least the minimum #even if sleep deprived or sick #but now it’s like I’m stuck SCREAMING and slamming my palms bloody in a containment cell somewhere in the center of my concept of a body #BEGGING to just stop being so gross and to do a daily face routine and use lotion and keep my teeth healthy and keep my hair clean #and it doesn’t even matter #I’m so ashamed all the time #but my brain doesn’t give a shit about it anymore #it views the endless shame as a lesser evil and god I hope I figure out how to get that stopped #I don’t even get triggered in the shower!!! I don’t know what’s wrong! my brain just does everything it can #to keep me from undressing and showering #no matter how much I hate it #and this is so tmi sorry oh god #I’ll probably delete this later #but #shh katie #add to journal #is it the dissociation? is it the adhd? is it the ptsd?#FINALLY my POTS symptoms chill out for the winter and now THIS?

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bookalicent · 4 months ago

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yeah so this was insane

#i feel like too many people reduce this interaction to jason being like ‘lol same’#but idk :/#this chapter is from jason’s pov #and leading up to it he’s like ‘people keep walking on eggshells around me bc of the the michael varus stab wound’#and he hates it so when he goes on deck to help out with the storm #everyone’s like wtf except for percy #and jason states how much he appreciated percy not treating him like a sick kid #and i feel like it’s echoed in this sentiment where jason could say so many things like #‘you should never feel that way’ ‘im here if you need anything’#but he doesn’t make percy feel alone in his desire to just…. end it all #which ik for some people that doesn’t work but you’re not a character in hoo and percy is dealing with so much guilt #and he can’t tell annabeth bc she’s a main aspect of that guilt #and he doesn’t wanna guilt her more and he feels ashamed and when he describes this he feels weird for feeling it #so having jason this tough guy be like ‘yo i understand it bc i felt the same way #that’s gotta mean a lot to percy #also insane how jason who also struggles to display vulnerability #allows it in one of few times in this moment just so percy this guy he’s supposed to be jealous about #feels comforted and not alone in his guilt and shame #and also it’s just insane how jason’s wanting to kay em ess does not get talked about AT ALL #and just seeing his mom and the pressure of new rome getting to him #like this scene is insane and i’ll never shut up about it #also ignore me i’m just finishing my reread of hoo that took all summer #jason grace #percy jackson #pjo #ashla.txt

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hana-bobo-finch · 4 days ago

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a strange trend in my favorite characters I realize is that I tend to heavily gravitate toward somewhat obscure, antagonistic forces

#shoutout to the multiple months when I was young when I was obsessed with flatwoman #‘who the fuck is flatwoman’ heh. well. you ever watch the pbs kids show peg + cat?#she appeared in like two episodes and let’s just say. I would’ve died for her as a kid #and yup ok you guessed it this trend continued with my boy pumpkin daddy #what thehell is wrong with that guy and more important question why is he my absolute favorite character of all time #I’m not even talking strictly about PDBC here alright? in that I have full control over him #in ROOTS? oh boy unstoppable force of nature someone Actually euthanize him or something he’s going to commit heinous crimes if left alone #he’s So bizarre mind if I just talk about that before going back to sleep? his morals are all over the place #‘this poor abandoned child. her mother should be ashamed of doing this to her. anyway let’s kidnap her for money’#and then he fucking pretends that he didn’t remember that happening #not that it DIDNT happen but that he just doesn’t remember it??.okay go off king??#at this point I don’t even know if he was lying he might just have Alzheimer’s or something he’s gettin kinda old #also Alzheimer’s is the worst word ever I have to look it up to spell it every time ffs so annoying #also worth mentioning that he almost got himself killed in a pursuit of someone’s money #and then not even a YEAR later he was back at it again trying to scam the SAME people lol GIVE IT A REST #I didn’t type lol this is travesty istg I didn’t type lol there there’s a lol ghost on the loose #he needs to be put down or something #and why the hell is he actually one of the nicest parents like huh?..?man what??#yeah this is my little science experiment I made solely for money. i love her she’s beautiful she’s awesome #my brother in Christ pick a side are you horrible or not #ok also wait that reminds me. it was unintentionally implied that he wasn’t evil once #I won’t go into it for the sake of time but. raises eyebrow. what the hell do you mean #at least I think it was unintentional. it’s still weird to me and I never bothered asking #anyway I should probably go back to sleep I have n appointment in like. two hours. sigh #yayyyy I love characters who suck!!! 🥰🥰🥰 pop off you asshole king and or queen

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cuteniaarts · 6 days ago

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Hey 🗑️🔥 gang (@katkastrofa @rokurookajima @shadelorde)…

Heard you guys like feral women 😏😏😏

#yes this is directly inspired by Syd and Nightmare’s recent animalistic Raava pieces #I’m sorry if you expected something related to the spirit kites but I’m obsessed with my OCs first and foremost #and Suiren is already very feral in most verses. the mermaid AU just adds a biological factor to it #but actually. fun fact. she doesn’t even look as feral as she would be were she a full mermaid #(yeah I’m spoiler alert that’s not really a spoiler given that I drew a lot for this AU last year and already gave it away. Ghazan’s human)#(meaning Suiren’s only half mermaid. I’ve never drawn her in this AU but I imagine Ming-Hua looking ever more monster like)#(bc I dislike when mermaids are just pretty girls with fish tails. give me FANGS and CLAWS and SCALES and GILLS and FINS)#(so yeah. Ming-Hua has a lot more scaled and also dorsal fins running higher up her back. and a more dexterous tail. I should draw her)#but I hope the vibe still comes across. with the blood and all 😁#was it a fish she ate or a too curious human? that’s for me to know and for you to find out #ANYWAY!! some new headcanons about my mermaids based on what you guys said about human Raava:#my mermaids don’t inherently know human language. their underwater communication sounds similar to whale singing #above water it’s more of a chirping noise? though more elongated and melodic than a dolphin’s. something between a trill and a whine #and most don’t have the capacity to speak human language. but sirens have unique vocal chords that allow the siren spell to work #it’s similar to a parrot’s. they’re very good at mimicry. it’s an evolutionary hunting tactic #but they also have more developed brains than a parrot’s therefore can not only mimic but consciously speak #though it takes time to master. like a foreign language #am I implying that when Mingzan met as kids they couldn’t understand each other and Ghazan taught her to speak human? yes. yes I am #because I’m a sucker for language barriers and think that scenario is adorable. fucking sue me.#and obliviously Suiren was taught both mermaid and human. but it was Midori who helped her keep up her knowledge #(look I don’t have that part plotted out yet but Something happens to their parents and they’re left on their own. as a parallel to SotRL)#(also btw Midori was born without a tail but still not quite human. she has scales and gills and ear fins and fangs and glowing eyes)#(and no one but Suiren and Haya know about all that. Haya makes her hide it and convinces her that she’s a half fish freak :/)#(at least.. until a certain Beifong with an interest in marine biology comes along…)#(yes Green Opal in this verse are the epitome of ‘there are many benefits to being a marine biologist’)#how did I end up talking about Midori. anyway. yes I made both Kuvira and Ghazan monsterfuckers. no I’m not ashamed #my art #artists on tumblr #Nia’s mermaid AU #sotrl suiren

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xwiredearbuds2014x · 15 days ago

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#maybe in another universe I kept every promise we made. and I made a life I could be proud of #and my friends didn’t forget me. and I’m not ashamed to let people see me #and I’m not too prideful to reach out first #and we stayed in each other’s lives in some way all this time #maybe in that universe instead of crying in my room alone. or being curled up next to someone who didn’t even want me #I was having a dinner party with all my friends to celebrate my accomplishments #maybe that other version of me is the one that’s engaged #maybe I’m a good cook and I have interesting hobbies and I love to laugh and my spirit is free #maybe I’m not so afraid of getting older because I’ve built something for myself and I don’t feel that all my best days are behind me

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iero · 2 months ago

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My health problems/chronic illness and pain issues have made me want to k*ll mys*lf for a while now and this… This does not help those thoughts.

#personal #How do we live… How do we live through this?#I’m so ashamed and just angry (which is making me flare up so it’s not a fun time).#I can’t leave my body and I would give anything to.#I just wish someone tell me it’s all just a sick sad joke… and it’s not. Not at all.

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simcardiac-arrested · 2 years ago

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once again sorry to everyone for bringing this to your dashboards. but some of you are like, genuinely delirious. not even in a funny way. & i hope you die. i hope we both die. hand in unlovable hand etc etc

#Just so fucking bizarre to me how people can be Like This. there has to be something so wrong with your brain on a fundamental level #i can’t even laugh about this or anything because i genuinely feel pity for these people. it’s so sad to me how you’re gonna be like 20 #and then go in a niche tumblr community and create drama over Nothing. over Thin Fucking Air #like do you not have a life? do you not have college? or a job? doesn’t it get tiring? don’t you ever feel ashamed about all this #and the fact that they go and complain about the shipping and the ‘fandombrained’ people as well…. oh my god #how are you going to be TWENTY. and DO THAT. are you seriously sick. ? do you need help #just say you are homophobic and that you hate kids and go. it’ll save everyone a bunch of time for sure #anyways. as someone who has been a rain world fan since 2018. i love you embracing canon. i love you changing canon. i love you disregarding #canon entirely. i love you ships that make sense in canon & that make absolutely zero sense at all. i love you fancharacters that don’t #follow canon rules. i love you ‘cringe’ fancharacters and self inserts. i love you self shipping. i love you oc x canon shipping.#and i love you taking inspiration from designs. i love you community & i love you artists & i love you art #i love you borrowing elements and being inspired and referencing something because you liked it.#are fandoms perfect? GOOD GOD no. is every Fan perfect? no. am i also sometimes annoyed or irrationally pissed off over a ship that #i think is stupid and is illogical. Yes! i’m only human! but i can still love and appreciate the whole CREATIVITY of it all. and the whole #Fun that people are having. i love you having fun. if i don’t like it or if anyone else doesn’t like it they can just Cope #instead of hateposting about it on main and indirectly bullying people who are most likely children. or lgbt. or both #anyways. please continue doing whatever you want. The world is your oyster and you only live on earth once #everyone else can fuck off

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thequeervampiric · 2 months ago

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born to be anti authority, cursed to be a people pleaser

#thinking about when I was like. around 10? and having a filling or something done at the dentist #and the dentist got me all prepped for it and asked me if I was ready #and I meant to say ‘uh-huh’ (couldn’t really talk bc my mouth had stuff in it)#but instead I said ‘uh-uh’ like as a negative answer #and the dentist just sternly said ‘yes’ and went to work #and at the time I was SO embarrassed and ashamed to have said no to him #but now I’m like. hey asshole. could’ve at least checked in on me or something? gave me a second? fuckface

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blonkk · 9 months ago

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“so sad being a harry potter fan/jkr stan and a transphobe pick a struggle” ok but how’s it a struggle? ?? because weird losers i don’t know will try to bully me on the internet ??? y’all are just smug because you were nobody in high school and now you feel like you win at life because you have internet clout from tweens and perverted adult men plus the duds who jumped on the bandwagon because they have zero values and beliefs of their own …. like stop projecting i promise no one gives a fuck that you’re “different” it’s still annoying and your green shaved head and mushroom tattoo aren’t punk or even really that cool at all….get a grip fr …anyways i’m gonna struggle by A) being objectively right and B) enjoying my childish stories that have no shortage of material (and more on the way!) to keep me entertained

#feminism #jk rowling #harry potter #this applies to everyone #males and females #gay or not #trans identified or not #like so much if this movement is deadass made up of people who were unpopular in high school. and now they get off on being internet famous #and i was a huge loser in high school too so this isn’t some stance on social hierarchy #it’s just the kids who never got over not being cool when it actually meant something #so they’re trying to make it mean something now #and the saddest thing is that you’re still losers #and the biggest tell is that followers will always remain neutral #favouring the side of the cool people #hence the male he amount of silent so called allies #they’re gonna switch sides when this one goes under i’m afraid #anyways like it’s always the people who want attention who are the worst about this stuff #like i’m a huge harry potter fan. i was not popular in high school. people barely knew who i was #that is not something that was cool in the 2010s #but i’m still a fan and i’m not ashamed of that because i’m not just gonna flop on my interests and principles #and i’m not gonna let some weirdo who probably does actual weird shit make me feel bad about like one of the most beloved book franchises #of all time #when they were prob the types of weirdos having orgies under the stairs and grooming eachother and speaking japanese they learned from anime #anyways. i don’t know im just rambling im mad and tired and all seething and i want to bully someone about it

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meat-huge-pain-endless · 1 year ago

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bro i’m so sick of being mentally ill like this shit is so annoying bc why i am literally incapable of passing 4 courses in one semester. and mind you i have pretty much no social life and did one extracurricular this semester and exactly zero last year. what do you mean my friends go to parties on weekends and have jobs on campus and also hobbies and free time?

#like seriously wtf #i hate you executive dysfunction i hate you time blindness i hate you adhd paralysis i hate you depression #cause here’s the thing: i don’t want to be miserable anymore!!!#i hate feeling like this all the time i hate it so much #it feels like i’m wasting my life #bc every class i sign up for is one that im genuinely interested in and want to do the work and learn the content and engage w the material #and then when i inevitably can’t keep up w the workload i beat up on myself so much about it #bc in my mind academic failure and success is directly tied to whether or not i am a good person #so yeah i don’t feel great about passing 1/4 classes this semester #ok technically 1/3 bc i withdrew from the one course but like that still puts me a credit behind! and it feels like a failure anyway!#i got a c+ in the one i passed and im getting an incomplete so i can pass the other #but i’m gonna b honest i gave up on the third class #and like. idk i don’t wanna say im not a quitter bc i totally am and im not normally super ashamed of that i don’t think?#but i’m having a rlly hard time telling myself that it’s ok #that it’s ok that i gave up. it’s ok that i failed. it’s ok that i didn’t have it in me this time #but i’m trying #anyways #i’m real tired #but i drive home today!#excited for 6 weeks off #i find myself wishing things were different so often lately #i just hope next semester is better

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gregmarriage · 5 months ago

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claustrophobia combined with agoraphobia, is the stupidest shit in the world. like, oh, you’re going actually insane being stuck in the house all the time, due to your disability? oh, here’s sickening anxiety about leaving the house, like, wow, well done brain 👍🏻