#even if I am constantly putting them through grief

[kumeko]

A/N: For the Grandeur @camillafezine! Between the 3 routes and FeH, there are so many what-ifs for Camilla that I had to explore them all. And lots of obligatory Nohr Sibling angst/fluff.

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In another life, Camilla becomes a queen. A temporary one, perhaps, one that is only a stand-in, but a queen nonetheless. Xander lies ill in his chambers, a terrible wound on his chest incapacitating him. Their father is dead, the war is over, and Nohr is looking for a leader.

Camilla had never wanted to be that leader. Not even at the height of battle between mistresses, the jockeying of children as each of the king’s consorts vied for favour. Yet the duty falls on her nonetheless, as heavy as the robes on her back. She stares at her reflection in the mirror and finds a stranger looking back. The ermine-trimmed cloak, the sleek armour, none of it resembles her usual battle-attire in the least.

“This doesn’t look right,” she mutters under her breath. Long sleeves hide all but her hands, and she feels vulnerable without her trusty axe by her side. It feels even odder to just wait in this side-chamber, away from her family. Camilla’s coronation is in an hour, all the preparation is in place, and her younger siblings are no doubt rushing about, making sure nothing is forgotten.

Or perhaps it is just Leo who is rushing about—Elise and Corrin are no doubt tending to Xander, confident their perfectionist brother has it all under control. She should be out there with them, not hidden away until she’s called.

“What doesn’t?” Selena asks, reminding Camilla once more that she isn’t entirely alone. Resting a hand on her hip, the red-haired retainer scowls. “Did they apply the make-up too heavily? I told you I can do a better job than them.”

Camilla chuckles. At least this feels normal. She turns to where Selena stands, guarding the window. The grumpy pout is absolutely adorable and she feels her tension slip away. “I’ll keep that in mind next time, darling.”

“You better,” Selena huffs. From the corner of her eye, she studies Camilla before reluctantly admitting, “It’s not terrible.”

At the door, Beruka grunts and averts her gaze. “You look good.”

As rare as it is for the assassin to stand openly, it’s even rarer still to hear a compliment. Their shyness is even cuter than their sulking. Camilla wants nothing more than to pull them both into her arms and squeeze them, but it is almost time to go.

“I am glad you both approve,” Camilla replies, smiling brightly at both of them. Leo once told her she had no restraint; if only he could see her now. She cups her cheek and sighs. “If only you both wore dresses too.”

Beruka shudders immediately. Her reply is curt, as sharp as the blade she wields. “Assassins don’t wear dresses.”

There is nothing in that response about Beruka hating the idea. Camilla saves that information for later.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, Selena hunches over and moans, “I would have, but I can’t do guard duty like that.” After a moment, as though realizing the implications, she straightens up and adds, “Not that I don’t want this duty.”

“Oh?” Camilla taps her chin, her long nails lightly scratching her skin. Perhaps she should look into battle dresses. They could be made in time for Xander’s coronation.

A shiver runs down her spine, a doubt entering her mind, but Camilla refuses to entertain it. Xander will recover. He will be crowned. He will be fine. If she thinks otherwise, she knows she’ll crumble.

Outside, she can hear nobles entering the grand cathedral, chittering like the crows and harpies they are. Most of them do not want her in this position: Leo is the second favourite after Xander, even more so for the flexibility they perceive in him. Elise is an easily manipulated choice and Corrin doesn’t exist in their eyes. Camilla is known for her blood thirst and beauty, and she has heard enough rumours about the madness they fear from her. No, it is the men the nobles look to.

It’ll be satisfying to see their faces when she steps out.

There’s a knock on the door. Camila swallows inconspicuously. “It’s time.”

Beruka nods and opens the door before slipping through it to secure their exit. Meanwhile, Selena stalks over. “One second.”

Camilla holds still, watching in curiosity as Selena readjusts her cloak and the sash across her chest. Her fingers are meticulous and battle-scarred. Not for the first time, Camilla wonders just what sort of life her retainer has led.

Just what sort of life she’ll return to, if given the chance.

Camilla isn’t certain she’s ready to say goodbye yet. She wasn’t before the war and she definitely isn’t now, in the midst of an uneasy peace. “You’ll tell me when you’ll leave, right?”

“Of course, I promised.” Selena pouts as she brushes imaginary dust from Camilla’s shoulders. “You don’t believe me?”

“I do.” Camilla smiles softly, squeezing Selena’s shoulder with a gloved hand.

“Good.” Selena grins unabashedly, surprisingly honest for once. “Though, I really hope I won’t have to go for a while. I want to see your reign myself.”

“You do?” Camilla stares at her retainer, surprised. “Why?”

“Yeah, I…” Catching herself, Selena flushes a bright red and averts her gaze. “That is…I…you’ll make a good queen.”

And then, she all but runs out of the room.

A good queen. Camilla isn’t sure she has it in her. If she ever had it in the first place. Still, there’s at least one person who thinks otherwise.

Camilla glances at the mirror again. She was not raised for this duty but she will master it all the same. She will keep her family together, her country in one piece.

In another lifetime, Camilla’s reflection stands a little straighter, ready for the weight of the crown.

-x-

In another life, Camilla abandons her duty. She takes the crown, as cool as her brother’s corpse, and drops it immediately. It is not a weight she wants to bear. It is not a weight she can bear.

Her body’s already crushed from the grief of losing both Xander and Elise in a single night. No longer does laughter ring in the hallways, no longer does lamp light spill out of the study at late hours. Her family shrinks until it is three, and then two.

The weight of hatred is just as heavy as grief and is no less binding.

The only light she has is Leo—King Leo, now, and Camilla clings to his hand like she’s drowning. The crown looks too big on his head, the robe still needs adjusting, and for a moment, all she can see is a child playing dress up.

“Xander would be proud,” Camilla murmurs, gently brushing his hair out of his face. “You’ve grown so much these past few weeks.”

To his credit, he doesn’t flinch, though a flicker of pain flashes across his face. Leo clenches his jaw. “I would rather he be here than me. This…this wasn’t how I wanted to beat him.”

This isn’t how Camilla wanted to overthrow her father either. If she had stepped in earlier, if she had done something before it got to this point, would things have been different? When would that have been? When Xander faced Corrin? When Elise left to bring Corrin into the castle? Or earlier still, when Corrin abandoned them for Hoshido, when her father ordered Corrin’s punishment, when her father first started to veer into darkness?

It is too late for what-ifs.

She is still full of them.

Her vision grows blurry and Camilla blinks quickly as she tries to keep her composure. She is tired of lying in bed, her days and nights blurring into the colour grey. Even if it is only for today, she wants to be herself again. She wants to be there, in the present.

Leo touches her hand lightly. When she looks at him, he gives her a small smile and taps his collar. “It’s not inside out today.”

She stares at him. To think, he’s consoling her now. Just when had he grown so mature? Camilla forces a smile as she straightens his robe. “I guess you don’t need my help anymore.”

“I do.” Leo clasps her hands immediately. His eyes are serious, even though his ears are red with embarrassment. “I always do. Now, more than ever.”

For a moment, Camilla’s reminded of a conversation they had months ago, when Leo quietly admitted he wished she’d dote on him more.

And now, he will be the only one she’ll ever dote on.

“I’ll be here,” she promises, her smile more genuine now. A bittersweet warmth fills her. Camilla leans forward, pressing a kiss on his cheek. “I’m always here for my darlings.”

Pensively, Leo asks, “What about…Corrin?”

“No.” Camilla immediately rejects the notion, the idea. She steps backward, her hands cold as they fall limply to her side. At one point, that name had meant everything to her. At one point, she couldn’t go an hour without thinking of their younger sister.

Now it’s enough to send her stomach churning, bile rising up her throat.

And Leo, the boy who taunted Corrin, the boy who teased her, is the man now protecting her. “She didn’t intend—”

“I don’t—I can’t…” Words fail Camilla and she covers her lips with a hand. Forcing herself to breath in through her nose and slowly out her mouth, she makes herself calm down. “I just…”

“I shouldn’t have asked.” Gently, Leo embraces her, his hands patting her back. Before, he had never been one for affectionate gestures. Now, she finds herself on the receiving end more than the giving. His hand had clasped hers while she wasted away on her bed, depression eating away at her core.

“No, it’s…” Camilla buries her face in his cloak, the ermine trim tickling her skin. “It was cute how you used to hold grudges over everything.”

“I still do,” Leo replies, his hand still patting her back. He’s taller, his shoulders broader, and she isn’t sure if she just never noticed or if his new duties gave him a growth spurt. “Odin ruined my favourite cloak yesterday, and he’s still making up for it.”

Camilla chuckles wetly. “Try not to be too hard on him. He’s cuter when he makes mistakes.”

“I don’t think he can be cured.” Leo sighs. His voice quiets. “I just don’t want anymore hate. Especially with Corrin. It’s not forgiveness just…I’m tired of fighting.”

 It sounds like forgiveness. Camilla wishes she had the strength. Corrin’s eyes were full of heartbreak when she’d apologized for Xander’s and Elise’s deaths. Somewhere in Hoshido, she must be crying too.

Somewhere in Hoshido, her other family is comforting her.

Camilla has never thought of herself as a bitter person, but it fills her all the same now. Leo’s warm in her arms, but all she can think about are the two people missing from this hug, the four arms that should be wrapped around them now.

“Even then,” Camilla murmurs. “I just can’t.”

-x-

In another life, Camilla attends a royal funeral in Hoshido. She watches two sisters mourn over their brothers, their grief shattering the younger one. Corrin mourns too, for the family she never knew, for Hoshido’s late queen caught up in their father’s schemes, for the life that she had lost.

In another life, Camilla watches the tears of strangers with a twinge of sympathy, but no regrets. Her family survives and that is all that matters.

-x-

In another life, Corrin lets go of her Nohrian family. She reaches for her long lost Hoshido brother, never looking back as they sweep her away into parts unknown.

In another life, Camilla’s heart breaks and then hardens. She had long known that Corrin’s place had never been in Nohr, that she was meant for something different, something special. It was easy enough to see with how their father treated her, this lost princess that neither Xander nor her could determine the origins of. Their father called her daughter, and they accepted it as fact.

And now, they are paying the price for their ignorance.

There is rage in her, like fire, like lightning, like the claws and teeth of her wyvern. Camilla has never known what is to hate, truly, until this moment. Not even when her mother pitted her against her siblings, not even when her father requested darker and darker missions of her, had she ever felt a hate like this.

“I want to come too,” Elise says, clutching her staff as she stands in the middle of Camilla’s room. To her credit, she doesn’t let her voice tremble. While she is the youngest of the siblings, she’s an adult nonetheless, one raised and ready for war.

Camilla has never felt a fear like this. It grips her heart with icy claws. Corrin is gone. War leads to death. And for all of Elise’s strength, she is not a fighter. There is no hesitation as she says, “No.”

Elise stiffens, expecting the response. She sets her jaw, her hands gripping her staff tighter. “Why not? I can fight too!”

“It’s too dangerous, dearest,” Camilla replies easily. It is not a lie. It is not the truth. She reaches down and strokes Elise’s soft hair. Her sister’s black ribbons were a birthday present three years ago, her dress last year’s, and Camilla can only see the tiny baby she vowed to protect.

Her sister pouts childishly up, her cheeks still chubby with baby fat. “That’s why I have to be there! I can protect everyone. I can even heal!”

The stubborn streak runs deep in their family. Camilla keeps her smile. “I’m sorry, Elise, but I can’t let you go to the front lines. You understand, I hope?”

There’s a grumpy exhale as Elise averts her gaze. After mulling over it for a moment, she brightens and chirps, “Then what about the medical tent?”

It’s a reasonable suggestion. A good one, even. Camilla discards it all the same. “No, dear. You have to stay here.”

“But why?” Elise grabs her hand tightly, confused. “I can help!”

“I…” Camilla cups Elise’s cheek, brushing her thumb across her baby soft cheeks. There is a hole in her chest, a black void that she doesn’t want to grow any bigger. Corrin escaped her arms, but she refuses to let anyone else do so. And if she has to clip a few wings, then that’s what she’ll do.  

Camilla wraps her arms around her younger sister, pulling her in for a tight hug. “Please. Just for today. I’m worried.”

“Sis…” Elise sighs before hugging her back. “Finneee. I’ll stay. But next time, I’m fighting right next to you.” She looks up, determined. “I can protect you too.”

“Next time,” Camilla agrees. Camilla lies. She’ll have to find another excuse. Her gilded cage cannot open again. Part of her wonders if she can get a fine, gold chain made, if she can slip it around Elise’s ankles so she doesn’t sneak into the slums like she’s prone to do.

-x-

In another life, Camilla takes Azura’s hand. As a child, she knows intimately of loneliness, of alienation, of all the feelings one has while watching from afar. No one notices or acknowledges Azura, whether it’s their father, their siblings, or the competing consorts. Maybe they see competition. Maybe they see a weak girl, one easy to disappear.

Camilla sees a friend. She takes Azura’s hand and clasps it tight.

When tragedy strikes, when Hoshido and Nohr take up arms and hostages are kidnapped, Camilla is taken with Azura. Even in danger, Camilla refuses to let go of her people. Though she doesn’t know how to wield her axe yet, she still has her strength and loyalty.

The Hoshidan queen and chief tactician hardly know what to do with not one, but two Nohrian princesses. The whole thing is a mistake, but Nohr will not return Corrin and so Hoshido cannot give up their hostages. The games royalty plays are the same regardless of what side of the border they’re on. Nobles of all stripes only care for how they can use the two girls and how to torment them otherwise.

The children, however, are different, and in them Camilla sees a glimpse of what her family could have been. There is no contest for the throne, no pitting of heirs in a battle of the fittest. Instead, the siblings work together. Instead, despite their loss, Sakura reaches out with shaky hands, Ryoma gives a firm hug, and Hinoka a begrudging smile. Only Takumi glares and ignores them, but Camilla finds that adorable anyways.

In this life, Azura doesn’t know loneliness. Camilla refuses to let her. The walls she keeps up between herself and the Hoshidan royals shatter with a single swing of Camilla’s mighty will.  Years pass and memories of Nohr are replaced with green grass, clean air, and sun-like warmth.

Now an adult, Camilla stays still as she watches Azura tug her kimono, trying and failing to cover her ample cleavage. With a soft sigh, Azura reluctantly gives up and steps back. “I am afraid I cannot adjust it any further. It’s not…”

Azura trails off meaningfully and Camilla chuckles. Her bust is not made for an outfit like this. Neither are the rest of her curves and that is why Takumi always looks away, scandalized, or Ryoma offers her his heavy cloak whenever they make formal appearances.

“I like to think of it as a new style,” Camilla says cheerfully, twirling around. Her kimono loosens even more with the movement. Ignoring Azura’s soft groan, she reaches onto their bedroom dresser and picks up a gold earring. “Your dress looks lovely, darling. You just need this to finish it properly.”

Azura shakes her head, mirth filling her voice. “You never tire of dressing me up.”

“Of course not.” Camilla beams brightly. “I love pampering those I love. And you deserve it.”

“So do you.” A familiar shadow crosses Azura’s face and she bites her lip. “You should be in Nohr, with your siblings.” She rubs her wrist anxiously. “Your youngest sister doesn’t even know your face.”

“She does not know yours either,” Camilla replies softly. It is just like Azura to forget herself.

“That’s fine.” Azura shakes her head. “You weren’t even the target of the kidnapping, and they…they didn’t know me regardless.”

They had argued this before. They will argue this in the future. Camilla grabs Azura’s hands, clasping them tightly in her own. “I couldn’t, wouldn’t, let you go alone. I don’t regret it.”

Azura stares at her in disbelief. “Don’t you miss your siblings?”

“Every day. Every minute. And one day, I will return to see them.” Camilla intertwines their fingers. “But I love my new family too.”

Azura gnaws her lip. “But—”

“No buts,” Camilla interrupts, settling the matter once and for all. “I am quite happy with my life. Aren’t you?”

There’s a soft sigh and Azura hangs her head. Quietly, she admits, “Happier than I was there.”

It’s a sad truth. Camilla holds out the earring. “It’s only here I see your smile. So please don’t talk like that, dear.”

In another life, Camilla doesn’t know Corrin. She barely knows Elise. But she does know Sakura, Hinoka, Ryoma, Takumi, and Azura. She knows a mother’s warmth and a kind home and she is all the richer for it.

-x-

In another life, Camilla comforts a grieving, distraught Corrin after Azura’s disappearance. They fought a war together and still Camilla does not think much of the blue-haired girl, not even enough to feel a small pang of what could have been.

In another life, Azura is remembered as a traitor by the Hoshidans, a nobody to the Nohrians, and it is only Corrin who grieves the loss.

-x-

In another life, Camilla and Xander do not hesitate. They are loyal to the bone, their family the most important part of their life. Despite the cruelty their father teaches and their mothers practice, the Nohrian prince and princess are shaped by their love for their siblings. And it is out of that love that they turn their blades on their father, cutting him down before all that’s left of the warm man they once knew are memories of a tyrant.

Elise and Leo are asleep in their rooms, unaware of the treachery underfoot tonight. The guards turn a blind eye, lulled by the promise of a better tomorrow, a better Nohr. Inside the expansive throne room, Camilla sets down her bloody axe with a dull thud. She leans on it, panting.

Nearby, in the very center of the room, lies their father’s broken, cooling body. Xander stands in front of it, staring. There should be tears neither of them are shedding. Perhaps it’s the shock.

“It’s done,” she finally says, breaking the silence.

“So it is,” Xander agrees, not looking at her. His posture is abnormally stiff. Camilla knows who he is, the distance he’s forced onto himself in order to lower their father’s guard. It was a role they needed while waiting for this moment.

Now the moment is gone and there is no longer any need for the ‘cold princeling’. Camilla forces her weary limbs into an awkward shuffle. When she reaches her brother, she pulls him close until their foreheads’ touch. She doesn’t have to see his eyes to know the guilt within. “This was the right thing.”

He’s still looking at their father’s body. His reply is textbook perfect. “That doesn’t mean it was right.”

“That distinction only matters to you,” Camilla replies evenly, weaving her hand through his hair and massaging his scalp. It works; he relaxes at her soothing touch. Smiling, she adds, “And that is why you will make a great king, dear.”

“Father—Garron was one.” Xander trembles, tiny earthquakes revealing the heart of his problem. “Who’s to say I will not end up the same?”

“I do, darling.” Camilla pulls back and squeezes his shoulder. “I’ll keep an eye on you.”

He doesn’t look convinced. “Will that be enough?”

“You doubt my strength?” Camilla raises a brow.

Xander flinches. “No, that wasn’t—”

“Besides, Leo will also be there. He has to chase you adorably, after all. And Elise will keep your heart safe. And Corrin—” Camilla cuts herself off, recalling the newest member of their family.

“Corrin…” Xander’s expression darkens, remembering how Garron had presented her to court after her kidnapping. “She shouldn’t be here in the first place.”

It’s true. Camilla doesn’t like it nonetheless. Something dark, possessive curls up within her. She doesn’t like that either; it’s something Garron would feel. Maybe she’s the one who takes after him, his tendencies waiting within her to spring out.

His blood is cooling on her hands. She doesn’t need to learn another lesson on obsession.

“We’ll send her home,” Xander decides. “An exchange of hostages.”

Briefly, Camilla remembers the blue-haired princess. Asura? Ashura? Another addition to the family either way. If only she could keep both girls in Nohr. “Do you think they’ll agree?”

Xander hesitates before nodding. “I believe it was just Garron who was stalling the peace talks.”

“I see.” Camilla reaches down, picking the blood-splattered crown off the ground. She rubs it with a sleeve, wiping it clean. In the flickering torch light, it gleams red.

“We’ll make things right. Here first, and then abroad.” Xander smiles wanly before ducking his head slightly at her silent request.

The crown slips onto his head too easily. “I know you will, dear.”

If there is anyone who can uphold such a lofty promise, it’s him.

-x-

In another life, Garron lives and Nohr wins the war. Camilla knows only of blood, of pain, and how to inflict it on others. To her regret, it’s a lesson Elise, Leo, and Corrin have now learned too. Villages burn, people die, and whether it is loyalty or fear, none of them are able to turn on their father and stop him.

Camilla tries not to think of how long it’s been since she’s seen anyone smile.

-x-

In another life, there is peace. Nohr and Hoshido do not fight. Garron died by Corrin’s hands; there could not be peace otherwise, their father too far gone to return to the kind man from their memories. Camilla doesn’t mind. She can’t mourn someone who they’d lost long before he’d breathed his last.

Corrin spends her days flitting between her families, between Nohr, Hoshido, and a lost kingdom of her own. A lost power of her own. A family of her own.

Yet, still she comes when they call. Today, that call is at the beach. Xander is holding Elise’s hands as he tries to teach her how to swim, while Leo hides under an umbrella with his book. It won’t protect him for long but it’s cute that he tries.

Camilla stands at a distance, watching them all. Even now, in this time of quiet and serenity, a single fear runs down her back. Something could shatter it. It might even be herself; despite all reassurances that they’re safe, Camilla finds it impossible to let go of her family.

Sometimes, she fears her love is too much, too great. That her parents’ darkness is her own.

“What are you doing here? Is something wrong?” Corrin asks, stepping onto the hot sand next to her. From the corner of her eye, Camilla spots Jakob running over with an umbrella. Sometimes it feels like she shares the same mind with Corrin’s loyal retainer.

“Nothing, dearest.” Camilla smiles as she pats her sister’s hair. “I wish I could have a painting of this. Maybe next time.”

“Then we’d have to stay still for hours. Elise would complain.” Corrin chuckles, dismissing the idea. “We’re supposed to have fun at the beach, not in a painting.”

“That’s true.” Camilla wonders how long they’ll be able to do this, how long it’ll be before Xander’s and Corrin’s duties keep them further and further away. “How long will you stay?”

“I’d like to say as long as I want but…” Corrin grimaces, her expression gaunt. It’s the same expression Elise has when she looks at her studies. “Well, I can’t run away for too long, but hopefully a few days. I don’t want to go back to that fortress, but things were a lot simpler then.”

Sometimes, Camila wishes the same. There was no need to share Corrin, back then. Elise still didn’t know the darkest truths of their kingdom. “If you need help, just let me know.”

“That’s just what Xander and Ryoma told me too.” Corrin laughs as she squeezes Camilla’s hand. “You let me know too, okay? We’re family, after all. You don’t have to shoulder things by yourself anymore, you can share it with us.”

It’s a truth Camilla knows already, but it sounds more real when Corrin says it. “We are family.”

“Of course.” Corrin leans her head against Camilla’s arm. “Always.”

Always. Camilla likes the ring of that.

In another life, Camilla is happy.

[giantkillerjack]

He deserves to suffer. But please keep in mind what being around him and actively trying to push him will do to YOU. Because you, in fact, deserve peace, healing, boundaries, joy, and acceptance MORE than he deserves to suffer.

Keep an eye on your heartrate; sometimes mine is the only way I can tell I'm pushing myself too far.

Stay safe. Making a homophobe upset doesn't matter as much as your safety.

You don't owe anyone your time or health for Christmas. You deserve a holiday that doesn't make you feel like shit.

Because even if he suffers, it sounds like he will not change. And perhaps we are different people (and I certainly don't claim to know you or your family and you can do whatever you want)... but that lack of change would make me feel like shit after the first 20 triumphant minutes or so. And then I'd wonder why I am not spending my time off with people who actually like me.

Your spite is justified. your anger and bitterness are justified. Your actions would be justified. And you should definitely still do it if it will be empowering for you.

Just know that you deserve a holiday that is easy and fun, and consider whether a violently queerphobic reaction from your parent is going to better or worsen your health. Because you deserve health.

Hey so my homophobic, sexist and overall cringe biological dad is coming over for christmas and i will be extra gay and give him a heart attack. He doesnt know im trans, that i changed my name etc. because frankly i dont care about him enough to tell him.

But when he comes over i will be so so so gay. Im talking wearing a dress, nail polish, makeup and all the good stuff. I wanna see him suffer. No, not spiteful at all

[bigfatbreak]

Something I've been wondering for a while in the ML fandom. But after Season 5 ended, I saw a lot of authors coming to the consensus that Emilie is a "bad parent".

Where did that come from? Did I miss a fandom meeting where that consensus was reached? Or is that a consequence of Gabriel being a bad parent, having her as a bad parent by proxy?

I am mostly curious about where this headcanon came from, for some many different authors following the same path.

the series tries really hard to make Emelie seem like an angelic woman, but the problem is, it constantly steps on its own toes doing so.

even before her death, Adrien didn't go to school, wasn't socialized around others, never had a "real birthday gift," was only socialized around Chloe and his "cousin" sometimes, and though he yearned for school, was still denied that. The show says "oh she's a good person," but doesn't SHOW her being a good person.

the show contradicts itself. Emelie has to be good, because she's a dead mother who sacrificed her life for her child, but the show reveals the quality of life for that child was basically zilch, like owning a dog. The general idea of her being a bad parent is because being self-sacrificing doesn't make someone inherently good, in fact in Emelie's case, it made her all the more selfish.

if she knew she was dying and still had the audacity to keep her son from making connections with other people, all she was doing was saddling him with an immense amount of grief he would have no real way of processing, making her death the only thing he could ever revolve around for the rest of his existence.

Not only that, Gabriel seemed to follow the mindset of "oh she's just gone, not dead," which would only make things worse - and if Emelie suspected Gabriel might act the part of the fool, why didn't she ensure there was a support system for the both of them? To be fair, she doesn't have Gabriel on strings, but she literally has complete control over Adrien and just... decided to make him her emotional support child? a crutch through her death? an accessory to show what a good person she was???

maybe we really are missing parts. maybe she actually was an exceptional woman - but that SAME woman could be cattled and convinced to keep Adrien alone for his developmental years??? if we're following the idea that she was actually super good and kind, then we have to accept that she's also immensely stupid for allowing her husband to convince her that Adrien should be a bird in a cage.

Either she's loving but overall selfish, keeping Adrien for herself in spite of the damage it would cause, OR loving and stupid, letting Gabriel convince her to keep Adrien in the dark in spite of the damage it could cause.

the show may WANT us to route emelie down the path of overall "good," but considering her husband was such a miserable excuse for a parent who's attitude really hasn't changed that much from the past, like draws to like and we can only draw our own conclusions.

honestly i think Zoe put it better here, but there's my two cents on the matter.

[himimosa]

when they are sick

taking care of bsd men when they are sick...

fyodor, kunikida, dazai

Fyodor Dostoevsky

He is the person who walks around sick for almost half of a year, with a lot of sniffs and sneezes. Somehow he can manage to catch a cold even in summer. You say it is because he has an awful immune system

He already has anemia that makes his body weak. And if a bad cold is added too, he becomes almost pathetic...

If you ask him, he says he is used to being sick most of the time, but that is not true. He tried to take pills a few times for his anemia but they were useless (no, i am not self-projecting here, nope)

Most of the time, he can pull to do his work even if that means carrying tissues with him everywhere.

He hates the times when he got extra bad cold, it causes delays in his work. He is not someone who will accept to see a doctor even though his fever runs high. So if you're going to accompany him, you have to use more conventional ways...

You know hot soup, warm shower, herbal teas... He will act like you are being too "histrionic" and he is doing fine, but he will appreciate it secretly...

You put a mix of mint and linden leaves into the french press, added a tiny piece of ginger, and then poured hot water. After you waited for a while you poured out the liquid through a strainer. You had chosen your fav “I like mugs because they’re very comfortable in your hand” mug for it.

You entered the room where Fyodor was laying, he was trying to read a book but he was coughing constantly. You pulled the book from his hands: "Please drink this and rest a little. I am sure your book can wait for you." you scolded him lightly. He didn't argue with you, which was a sign that he was really feeling bad.

He took the mug, and looked at the writing on it "I don't understand why this is written on a mug" You chuckled "Because either you don't have a sense of humor or you have never heard Demi Lovato before dear.."

"Is it really an inadequacy of me that I don't get the references from the pop culture that was brought to people by no one but-"

"Darling darling..." you interrupted him "You can talk for hours about fatuity of popularism later, but I am begging you, drink this tea. now..."

He was annoyed by your interruption but he complied with your request. He sniffed before taking a sip. Then his face turned into a disgusted expression.

"Did you put ginger in this tea?.."

Kunikida Doppo

This poor man will go through the 5 stages of grief in order...

Denial: "I am not sick, I just got shivers for a second! This doesn't mean anything!" "No, I don't look awful or tired, I am fine!"

Anger: "This is because of that Dazai asshole! That nasty bastard sneezed right into my face and contaminated me with his viruses!"

Bargaining: "...Okay some inconveniences might happen but it's not that bad", "I will drink this tea and get better in an instant. No, I don't need a break, I will be fine"

Depression: "... What will happen to the agency if I use two days off?" "...my program... I will be left behind on it.."

Acceptance: "..President, may I use two days off to recover?"

He knew it is natural to get sick for people... But it wasn't written in his ideals book... He must add some notes about this too...

All he wants is quickly recover and get back to his responsibilities. So he will see a doctor, he will take his medicines, will drink all the herbal tea he needs to drink...You don't have to do much indeed, he is someone who takes care of himself well. But this doesn't mean he won't appreciate it if you do some thoughtful things for him...

"I'm home" you called to him when you entered the house with your keys. You dropped the bags that you got from the grocery store to the kitchen. You could organize them later, you went right ahead to the room where Kunikida was resting. He tried to get up to greet you but you acted quicker and hugged him while he was still sitting. He froze for only one second, then slowly wrapped his arms around you

"Y/N... You shouldn't be this close to me, you will get sick too..." He murmured but didn't push you away too. You shrugged your shoulders while still hugging him "Then I will use a day off with my sick boyfriend, that doesn't seem so bad to me" Kunikida chuckled lightly "If we both use a day off at the same time, I can't imagine what sort of chaos would the agency have..." Then he slowly pulled himself back to see you eye-to-eye and started to ask you questions... How is the agency going? Were budget calculations accurate? Have you taken new cases? What kind of ruckus did Dazai cause when he wasn't around to lecture him? How many calls did you get for his suicide attempts this time?

You told him about how you took care of everything on his behalf with everyone's help (well mostly with the help of Atsushi, Kyoka, Kenji, and Tanizaki siblings... basically with minors of Ada...) But even Dazai wasn't acting so "wild". He was whining about how the agency became too quiet and no-fun without Kunikida and all the joy he got from work vanished without Kunikida...

"Everyone can't wait to get you better love they are planning to visit you tomorrow night," you told with a smile. Kunikida coughed and covered his mouth, then mumbled: "I see..." You knew he did it to hide the light blush and embarrassed smile on his face, but you didn't tease him for it. After all, he was deserving it all...

Dazai Osamu

Here comes the drama king...

First, let's be honest here... He is treating his own body like shit... We saw him in his flat, this man doesn't even cook for himself. He literally feeds with sake and canned crabs only... Despite that, he doesn't get sick easily. He has the durability of a cockroach (i swear i love him, these insults are with affection)

He is the kind of person who doesn't get sick even there is a cold season and everyone around him got ill. He catches the sickness not more once than a year, but when he gets ill, it is always the most unexpected time.

Once, while he was still in the port mafia he got a very bad cold right before an important mission. When Mori saw his situation, he had to cancel the mission.

Because this man acts like he is on the deathbed when he is sick...

"So I made some research on the internet... With all these symptoms on me; either I have some kind of chronic illness, or brain tumor.. which leads us to the conclusion that I have only 2 weeks to live..." "Or, you have a cold, you shithead.." "Do not act like you are a doctor now Chuuya, or I will throw up to your precious hat..."

He didn't change much... The only difference is now he is being your boyfriend, you have to take care of this man like you are taking care of a child. He will act like he is much worse than he is to get all your affection and care... You will need a lot of patience, to be honest...

"Ew, there is no way I would drink that crap!" You thought for a millisecond to throw the bowl of soup to his face but you didn't have the heart for it. Even though he was acting like a spoiled brat, he was miserable right now. You knew he hadn't eaten anything since yesterday morning, you had to convince him to put something in his stomach no matter what...

"Why don't you want to drink this babe?" you asked with your sweetest tone. Dazai shrugged his shoulders "It smells bad, makes me want to puke..." You tried again "What if you push yourself? Just a little? I know it doesn't look appetizing but this soup is too good for cold, you will feel better after your drink I promise..."

Dazai looked at you with defeated eyes, he couldn't resist any longer "..fine then"

With excitement, you took one spoon from the bowl and carefully held it towards his mouth, you were cupping the other hand under the spoon to keep it from spilling. Dazai slowly opened his mouth, only to make a sour face "It is too hot!"

"Sorry baby, my bad" you apologized and started to cool it down by stirring it with the spoon. You took another spoon from the bowl, this time you blew a little air before giving it to Dazai. When he started to make some teasing comments on you would be a great nanny, you decided he was already getting better. You tried to get up after he finished his soup, but Dazai held you weakly by his wrist. "You won't leave me alone on my deathbed, right?" You rolled your eyes: "You're an idiot, you know that right?" He smirked lightly "But I am your idiot, and you still love me..." You couldn't control your smile this time. You gently removed the hair on his forehead and gave him a little peck "Yeap... Only mine to love..."

well, i couldn't still get over from this week's episode and couldnt't write anything new. this was on the drafts and not proof readed, but i will still share it. fyodor stans can use it as a denial of ep 11 :')

[goodoldfashionedengineer]

TUA Tumblr Simulator pt. 1

Find more here: pt. 2

—

🪩traumallama Follow

The Umbrella Academy never should have existed. Those were CHILDREN!! They were THIRTEEN when they first appeared! They KILLED people! Two of them DIED! It really goes to show how much you can do if you have money

FUCK Reginald Hargreeves

🌺thinkingthings Follow

Wait 5 DIED?!

🪩 traumallama Follow

It was never confirmed, but honestly, seems the most likely that they would have just covered it up. If he's still alive, I hope he got to live a nice life without that cult

10,846 notes

💗L0veOnLo4n Follow

Every journalist, interviewer, fan, whatever, who is asking Allison Hargreeves about her brothers or her father should just be sent to space. How would you like it if I bring up your childhood trauma constantly?

🌫️love-h4te-whatevs Follow

Didn't she like kill people?

💗L0veOnLo4n Follow

She was a CHILD! It was all planned by their father, he was the one who "trained" them. He should go to prison but that won't ever happen. Not to mention he didn't just adopt those children, he bought them

3,245 notes

🌌jupiters-moons Follow

WE GOT A BEHIND THE SCENES UMBRELLA ACADEMY BOOK OWNDNAOWOE

🌌jupiters-moons Follow

I am so excited to go read this

🌌jupiters-moons Follow

Starting off: WOW Reginald Hargreeves was an even bigger asshole behind closed doors. Who would have thought?

🌌jupiters-moons Follow

Okay, okay okay WHAT WHAT WHAT THE ABSOLUTE FUCK?!!

ALLISON Hargreeves and Spaceboy were IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER?!

WEREN'T THEY LIKE SIBLINGS?!

I know the book says that they weren't really a family... But they were?? They are clearly described as brothers and sisters?

🌌jupiters-moons Follow

Had to put the book down for a while

Gosh, that so surprised me

I used to have the BIGGEST crush on Spaceboy but now I doubt I can think of them the same way ever again

🌌jupiters-moons Follow

Calmed down, I'll continue now

🌌jupiters-moons Follow

BIG MISTAKE, BIG MISTAKE

WHY ARE YOU TELLING US ABOUT THE TIME YOUR MOTHER TOLD YOU AT DINNER THAT YOUR BROTHER HAD HIS FIRST WET DREAM!

That does NOT belong in a book!

🌌jupiters-moons Follow

Drug addiction by age 13, damn

🌕eyestothesun Follow

Wait who was addicted to drugs

🌨️twirlingandwhirling Follow

The Séance. Kinda surprised so many people are shocked about this. There are quite a few interviews with them in which it is just blatantly obvious. Look at his eyes in this one for example. Or in this one he is so chill, not really there, but his siblings do all the talking

🌳drrrrreams Follow

Wow first time I've heard about this but this is so... Incredibly sad.

👥lurkeringlurrlurr Follow

Honestly? I'm more surprised that not more of them are addicts after all they've been through

🌌jupiters-moons Follow

Thanks for the additions!

Five's tragical disappearance. This is the worst part of it by far. They were so close and you can just feel the grief. And to never know what happened, damn

And one of their brothers can see dead people...

I don't know if I'd want to ask him or not. Asking for closure's sake, but if you don't, there is still hope that he'll come back some day.

This is just so sad

🌌jupiters-moons Follow

Spoke too soon, it can get sadder

Ben was their glue, his death was so brutal. He died so young and so painful, I can't imagine what that must be like. For him or for the siblings.

No wonder they disbanded after that. It makes you question your own mortality

8,799 notes

🚵rolly-molly Follow

Wait what happened to Spaceboy? Did he give up on missions and move out?

🤺theyseemen0t Follow

He died

🚵rolly-molly Follow

WHAT

🤺theyseemen0t Follow

I mean, it was never confirmed, but he got really badly injured on his last mission, lethally, and hasn't been seen since

🚵rolly-molly Follow

I had no idea. Rest in Peace

🍇thelandbeforewine Follow

False news, he got injured, but he survived. Otherwise we would have known about it from "Extra Ordinary" which came out last week, given that all the other family secrets were shared in it.

🚵rolly-molly Follow

Ohh, thank you so much! That makes me really happy, I was really worried

2,840 notes

[theeternalwombtarot]

what’s going on in your friendships

message: friendships and close personal relationships have been a significant thing in my life as of late. I have the tendency to self-isolate in order to remain untriggered because I can't control my environment the way I wish I could when other energies are involved. I've never been super outgoing or social, I enjoy conversation but on my own terms and I'm highly selective about the company I keep and how I choose to share my energy with the world. But, you have to be a whole other level of healed in order to remain energetically grounded where your circumstances or environment are eating away at you. When I have close personal relationships they consume me because I am always so heavily devoted or emotionally involved and so they have the capacity to disarm me or put me in hard places when things go wrong or when something is triggering. I've decided to do this reading in order to give the collective insight on what's going on in their friendships and hopefully give some guidance on what needs to be improved or worked on. Enjoy.

-

I.

There's an energy here about either you or people you were friends with or are friends with carrying the energy of past resentment. In your energy there's an energy of friendship(s) being a touchy subject or something that you've separated yourself from entirely due to bad situations or experiences. In other energies outside of yours, there could be someone or even a few people who hold ill energy towards you or have negative perceptions of you based on a falling out or you outgrowing them. There's energy of betrayal or someone revealing themselves to you or double-crossing you and you having to turn inwards or go into hermit mode in order to recover and swearing off friendships or become more opposed or narrowing your scope for what is acceptable in your friendships. Someone had high expectations already but they're even higher now. I'm listening to the song "Back to Black" by Amy Winehouse. She says in the song, "I've died 100 times." someone has been burned a lot or has a very extensive painful history in close relationships both platonic and romantic that require trust and respect to be equal and held at high regard.

Someone had a friend who was troubled or had a tendency to mess things up for themselves or be deceptive or throw stones and hide their hands I'm hearing. Pile one you may have developed a thing for the underdog or in the past had a subconscious pull to people who had heavy trauma-filled backgrounds or carried with them a lot of karmic energy or karmic behaviors and cycles. This may have been a theme for the vast majority of your close personal relationships for the past couple of years. You constantly ran into people who didn't value themselves and therefore didn't know your value and people who would always have an internal tendency to not know what they'd lost until you'd walked away from them. You may have had to make a difficult decision here that resulted in you letting go of several friends and/ or lovers or significant people in your life that you carried on your back for the past couple of years. You learn lessons primarily through people and relationships and you eventually outgrew or broke out of karmic cycles and behaviors and you had to decide whether or not you wanted a new beginning or not.

You may currently feel a lot of grief or be in the process of mourning past versions of yourself or past versions of your life and the people who were in it although you're done with them now. There's healing that needs to be addressed regarding betrayal and heartbreak regarding your friendships and relationships. Right now you are in a state of recovery here, I'm seeing imagery of someone in a deep sleep or in a comatose like state like sleeping beauty or something, the body has the ability to heal or recover faster through sleep, you may feel somewhat unresponsive towards people coming towards you seeking friendships or companionship.

You're deciding what it is you want in a friendship and doing what you can possible to come into alignment with what that looks like, you've essentially had to start from scratch or build your life and yourself up again from the ground up. You have nothing left from the life you used to live. You've had to and are in the process of manifesting everything that you desire. You are no longer in a state of your life or on the chronological divine timeline where you are having to live with the cards you are dealt and make the best of it or learn the right lessons for what you are given. You have essentially aged out of and graduated out of the divine's guardianship over you as a spiritual minor. Now it's your choice what it is you get to have, what you get to make, what you wanna see, what you wanna put up with, and with whom.

-

II.

You could feel called to power through and carry on even though you could be experiencing or have experienced significant hardship in your friendships. You may have a tendency to suppress your emotions regarding loss or you have remained in survival mode for years at a time so much so you may be someone who is always in autopilot or doesn't stop too often to process loss in full even if you're a heavily emotionally driven individual who needs time for recovery and needs time to heal so that you can thrive. I just heard someone's a water sign but operates like an earth sign to keep up appearances or maintain a hard exterior or escape the symptoms that come with heartbreak or grief. like if you can imagine the spectral difference between Cancer and Capricorn as a moon sign placement. You may carry a mindset that the entire world has always been against you or that you're not a particularly popular individual wherever it is you reside.

People may make up stories about you, spread rumors, some people fear you heavily while on the other side of the spectrum others may believe you're a coward or deserve to be mistreated or beat down as much as possible. People don't know who you are or know your heart due to some circumstances that were outside of your control and some that were. By the time you'd established or came to terms with the fact that you wanted to be around others, felt isolated, or felt scared and mistreated it was too late because people already had such large negative perspectives and opinions about you. I just heard "you think I want to be like this?" someone has been alienated or is treated like an abomination or as though they are unacceptable. You may also find you have a hard time networking or accessing opportunities you feel you'd have rights to if not for your reputation, not even just work opportunities, social ones as well, people don't want to be around you or people have a tendency to reject you or you feel you aren't able to reach people you love fully due to a lack of self worth or a skewed perception of yourself.

You've lost hope of profound connection within your friendships (you could've had a close friend before that you held onto past a healthy point or even throughout their betrayal or mistreatment of you due to the fact that you felt like if you released them you'd face eternal loneliness. I'm hearing this person could've exploited you for your resources or used you or subjected you to some sort of abuse repeatedly and you didn't/couldn't hold them accountable only the two of you know about this or people know but it's not a well spread secret. I'm hearing this person could've also potentially r*ped, s*xually assaulted you or used you to experiment or fill the void of their own loneliness and desperation.) You could've also potentially lost a romantic connection or loss hope in prospect of love as well or you may have convinced yourself you'll end up unmarried or in short term surface level relationships for the rest of your life.

You could have this large tendency to be so resistant of change whether it's for the best or not or whether it's gonna be in your best interest or not and this has worked against you. You have wounds that have been left open and are gaping because you refuse to stop and get help or allow yourself to heal and recover. You have things that need to be said that won't ever be at your own hand. You won't allow yourself to have anything because other people decided you shouldn't have anything. You could be so happy and so free of spiritual and emotional burden if you would just allow yourself to heal and do the inner work. Return to any avenues and paths you've left unpaved or any loose ends you've left untied and clean up things in order to free yourself. You may have to come to terms with the fact that not everything can be mended, reconciled, or redelivered back to you in the way you want or within the time frame you desire though pile two. You aren't the only person on the planet contrary to your beliefs, the people who were on it with you who you shared your energy with or who you shared your energy with have their own reservations, their own stories or versions of what happened whether they are truthful or not.

-

III.

You have an unnatural allegiance to losers and it's unlike you. You may have a tendency to make friends or make connections out of necessity or out of fear of loneliness. You are what you attract, you may have a tendency to constantly fall back into karmic cycles or run around in circles in terms of life lessons. you're someone who takes a long time to learn things you need to learn. You could be an air sign or a water sign. You have the tendency to take a lot of short cuts or do things to try and make yourself have an easier time assimilating or blending in after years of rejection from personal places or have people and places that large significance in your life or things you spent a lot of time around, peers at school, parents, siblings, family. You can also have a tendency to be impressionable you might have picked up a lot of nasty habits or behavioral patterns or karmic ties due to the type of people you choose to be around and attract. There's something here about your spirit being young or you being someone who has a tendency to act out or has a difficult time making their own decisions including responsible ones or doing what's best for you when it needs to be done.

You have a parent or parents who play a huge role in the way you process situations and carry yourself in general. You weren't taught or raised up to be an adult or aren't/weren't offered the proper tools to build a sense of self that was adequate for someone who needed to navigate in this world. I just heard the words "hurt people hurt people" you may have the tendency to self destruct and in turn be destructive to others. You carry with you either a lot of guilt or on the far end of the spectrum a large lack of accountability and willing ignorance about the part you played in conflicts or how your actions may have effected someone or a situation. You're constantly feeling very stagnant, burnt out, drained or low on energy and a lot of this is reflective of some of your choices, your choices in company, your behavioral patterns, karmic cycles and even potentially addictions if you've picked up any vices that you should've stayed far away from.

You may be in a place in your relationships where you're at a crossroads about if you should trust your intuition and the divines organization of change and chaos and move forward or do the right thing and allow yourself to fully outgrow and separate from people, things, places, etc. you've carried with you or collected along the way for fear of loss. Behaviors and karmic cycles and habits as well. I say relationships instead of just friendships because you have a tendency to make bad decisions in both your romantic and platonic relationships and connections and your karma is coming at you from both ends. There's fear here though regarding letting go. The deeper issue or root cause of this need to collect things comes from fear of abandonment, being disliked or perceived negatively or not being able to control the feeling you may feel about not having anyone to fall back onto/into.

You could've lost a friend or a person of value that you pushed away or that woke up to something or had some sort of truth revealed to them about you and actions you may have had a habit of committing to behind their back in regards to them. This person won't reconcile with you or you know that anyone of value that you lost along the way or anyone who may bring you solace has walked away. But, spirit has set your revelation or your healing process or tower moment up this way for you so that you have the chance to fully and wholeheartedly see what is going on or what needs to be done. I just heard "you're so far removed from source." The only way out is through and there might be a lot of grief that you may have to receive or make your way through before you can come out the other end changed and in alignment with what needs to be done or what's in store for you. You need to heal or come back into alignment. I'm getting imagery of someone detoxing or withdrawal from drugs or alcohol. this could be something you may have to actually experience or a figurative representation of what the process of healing and recuperation may look like for you because there is a lot that needs to be purged.

But, after all of this, if you do the inner work, there is promised stability and alignment for you.

-

channeled song for this reading:

[iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia]

hii brainrot i love your work :}}}

i was wonder if maybe you could do a lil drabble of muriel having to deal with his and mc's kid being an absolute wild card like constantly going to the woods or town to explore without telling, climbing things they aren't supposed and just generally giving muriel constant mini heart attacks

byee have a good rest of your dayy ^^

"What am I doing wrong?"

There's only one person in the world who can make your stoic partner emote like this, and it's the terror of a five-year-old peacefully dozing in their trundle on the other side of the hut. Muriel sits perched on the edge of your bed with his face in his hands.

"And I thought Asra was hard to deal with as a kid ..."

"What happened?"

You try not to chuckle as you sit next to him and lay a hand on his broad shoulder. It feels like touching a very warm boulder, the tension bunching the muscles there so tightly you'd think his back was made of knots. He turns to give you a wide-eyed stare of disbelief.

"They're not afraid of anything."

You suppress a snort.

"Isn't that a good thing? You always talked about wanting them to grow up knowing they're safe no matter what."

"I do -" He sinks his face back into his palms, taking slow, even breaths as the shoulder under your hand slowly starts to relax. "I do, but I-I can't. I can't keep them safe from everything. They're growing up so fast. I don't want them to lose their spark because I can't keep up."

You nod quietly. Muriel's right. Your child has a firmly rooted faith in a big, beautiful world full of love and wonder, and their own boundless curiosity calls them into all the places that would gladly shatter that dream. You want them to explore and learn and grow, but you dread watching a little of the light leave their eyes because you taught them wariness.

"I know." You start to rub your palm along his spine. He relaxes through another deep breath, eventually slumping over in the hard-won ease of years of closeness, laying his head on your lap so you can take out the day's braids. You card your fingers through his hair with a sigh. "I want them to hold onto that safety, too - I guess they're more ready to grow up than we are to watch it happen."

That earns you a fondly exasperated huff. "They chased a bee."

"They - what?" Your fingers pause in shock. You see the corner of his mouth twitch in a tired smile.

"I took them to check the charms. When I turned around, they were almost out of sight."

"Did you catch them?"

"Barely. They followed it to its hive in that old stump by the clover clearing and I caught them trying to climb in to visit."

"Good grief." You sit speechless for a moment, stunned into silence. Muriel's exhaustion finally catches up to him and his voice cracks on a hysterical giggle.

"They said the bee invited them to tea with its family and then they asked me to give them some treats to share with the hive."

You roll your lips in an attempt to fight your laughter. "And?"

"I told them we only have food for people, not bees. They came back to the hut with me after that, but then -" His voice breaks on a snort. You watch in sleepy awe as his eyes crinkle with amusement.

"But then?" You can hear laughter quivering in your own whisper.

"Then they put your shopping basket on their head and walked right back out the door. When I asked them where they were going they said Selasi the baker has food for bees so they were going to go buy some."

Muriel turns his head into your lap to stifle a wheeze. You clap your hand over your mouth and wait for him to recover. Eventually, he resurfaces with tears in his eyes, clearly at the breaking point of loving stress and pure exhaustion that renders everything hilarious.

"I asked them what they meant - they said - heehee - they were going to get - you remember those honey loaves?"

You gasp. "The ones he shaped like bees?"

Muriel nods, his weathered face crinkling up in new laugh lines. "They said Selasi would make them bee bread and they were going to go buy some."

You chuckle into your hand, watching Muriel's shoulders silently shake. "You know Selasi absolutely would if they asked him, though."

"I know," he pauses to clap his hand over another snort and continues, "I told them we'd have to wait until tomorrow to go, so they gave me their money for safe keeping."

You stare down at him in disbelief. "Where did they get money? They're five!"

Your partner lifts himself out of your lap, loose hair falling around his chin and jaw as he stands to rummage in his discarded cloak's pocket. He turns back to you with one large hand out, delicately cradling the small collection of treasures piled in it.

A pretty leaf. Some acorn caps. Two sparkly rocks. And one snow-white chicken feather with a tiny, blackberry-stained fingerprint smudged on the tip. You feel your heart melt at the earnest innocence and glance instinctively back to the trundle, dark tufts of fine hair and round, chubby cheeks happily snuggled into the drool-puddled pillow. You turn back to your partner.

"There has to be a way to let this tea party happen."

He hangs his head and sighs. "I'm open to ideas."

[honeypiehotchner]

Devil’s Backbone (Unsub!Hotch x Fem!Reader) -- part one

It’s the way that I am BURSTING with excitement about posting this fic 😈🫣

Warnings: nothing here really, just talk of Haley and Jack’s deaths

Don’t forget to follow @honeypiehotchnerlibrary and turn on post notifications to be notified when a new chapter is posted!!

One: All along we called it normal — “The News” by Paramore

“Please say your name and rank for the record.” The tape clicks. Across from you, Strauss sighs.

“Supervisory Special Agent Y/N L/N,” you reply confidently, “with the Behavioral Analysis Unit in Quantico, Virginia.”

“How long have you been with the BAU?” Strauss asks.

“Four years.”

She takes the seat across from you, crossing her legs, and opening a file folder. “Did you work under Agent Hotchner the entire time?”

“Yes ma’am,” you reply, lacing your fingers together on the table. “I did.”

“How would you describe your relationship to Agent Hotchner during this time?”

“Professional,” you say firmly, knowing exactly what she is trying to get you to say. “Strictly professional.”

+++

When Hotch returned to the BAU’s offices, he headed straight into a meeting with Strauss. She didn’t know he was coming, and a meeting wasn’t scheduled, but he knew if he went straight to his office that she’d call for him immediately. He thought he might as well beat her to it.

He stepped off the elevator and turned toward Strauss’s office. She locked eyes with him through the glass walls of her office, her expression frozen in shock.

“What are you doing here?” Strauss asked, right to the point, barely letting Hotch shut the door first.

“I’m here to get back to work,” Hotch replied, just as blunt.

Strauss was unamused. “Did you even think about the retirement offer I showed you?”

“I did. I’m declining it.” It was a nice offer, really, but it made no sense. He’d have more free time than ever before, but he didn’t need free time. He needed to be occupied constantly if he was ever going to make it through this mountain of grief.

“It’s been two weeks,” Strauss stated. “You need a month of bereavement, Aaron. Minimum.”

“You’re getting two weeks,” he said with a defiant shrug.

Sensing a losing battle, Strauss caved, settling on a compromise. “You’ll need to pass a psych eval with flying colors, then.”

“I will.”

“Today,” she said. “You’re going to wait here until they arrive.”

Hotch put up no fight. “Alright.” He turned and took a seat on her couch while she placed a phone call, ordering an immediate evaluation.

It took an hour for the psychologist to arrive, and they appeared to have rushed there. In truth, Strauss made the situation sound much more dire than it was.

Hotch stood and shook the psychologist’s hand, already securing a good impression before the evaluation had begun. Strauss led them down the hall to a conference room for some privacy.

Hotch hadn’t been in many psych evals, but he was well aware of how they work. Passing this one was easy, much to Strauss’ displeasure, and he was cleared for work by the afternoon.

“I will be watching you, Aaron,” Strauss warned.

“Don’t you already?” he quipped, pushing through her office doors.

+++

The team was in a frenzy when Hotch walked through the BAU’s glass doors, wearing his usual suit and tie, briefcase in hand. Like nothing had happened.

“Is that…?”

“Already?”

“Why is he here?”

You lifted your head from your paperwork and stared, jaw dropping ever so slightly as Hotch walked past your desk. Your eyes followed him up the stairs to his office, unlocking the door and flicking the lights on.

“Did you know he was coming back today?” Emily asked from her seat next to you.

You shook your head, tearing your eyes away from your boss. “No. Not at all. Hasn’t it only been two weeks?”

“If that,” JJ said.

“Is he even allowed to be here?” Morgan asked.

“Standard bereavement time is three to seven days,” Reid quoted, chewing nervously on his nails. “But it varies based on the relationship to the deceased. He should’ve gotten at least a month, or maybe two, since it was Haley and Jack…”

“He definitely shouldn’t be here,” you murmured to yourself mostly, but Emily voiced her agreement.

“He needs more time,” she said quietly, shaking her head in disbelief. “We know he’s a workaholic, but this is…”

“Way too soon,” you finished, and JJ nodded.

Rossi exited his office next door and walked into Hotch’s, immediately embracing him in a hug. You couldn’t hear what they said, but Hotch cracked a small, barely-there smile. It was more than you expected.

Hotch turned his head and locked eyes with you, and you looked away, embarrassed. You really shouldn’t stare. You just didn’t expect him to be back so soon.

You returned to your work, feeling like a kid caught red-handed. Minutes passed before you started to hear Rossi and Hotch’s voices a lot clearer, as they walked down the stairs into the bullpen.

“Hey,” you heard Emily say, smiling gently.

“Long time no see, boss,” Morgan joked lightly.

You lifted your head again, seeing Hotch say a small, “Hi,” and nod. He looked down at you, offering another nod.

“Hey,” you murmured. “How are you doing?”

“I’m alright,” Hotch said, directing his answer to the entire team. “I’m glad to be back. I need something to keep me busy.”

You nodded solemnly. You figured that was the reason, but it didn’t make it any better. You still felt like he should’ve waited a few more weeks at least.

“Well, we missed you,” Rossi said, filling the silence.

Everyone murmured their words of agreement, even you. You probably missed Hotch more than anyone else, but it wasn’t a competition.

“I have some cases to review,” JJ said, gesturing in the direction of her office. “I was just about to bring them to Rossi, but if you…”

“We can review them together,” Rossi offered, nodding with Hotch.

“Sure,” Hotch said. “Just bring them up to my office.”

“Coffee?” Rossi suggested. “I’m sure the pile is as high as ever.”

Hotch seemed strangely comforted by the fact, and by everyone’s attempt to behave as normal as possible, as everyone would have worked before Haley and Jack’s death.

The two men fell into easy conversation, as old friends tend to do, and headed over to brew a fresh pot of coffee. JJ headed to her office to retrieve the case files. Emily, Reid, and Morgan shared looks with you before sinking, defeated, back into their chairs.

Garcia came through the glass doors, her empty mug in hand, and stopped in her tracks when she saw Hotch standing in the small kitchen.

“Sir,” she said. “What are you doing— I mean— Welcome back!” She hugged him, unable to help herself.

“Thank you, Penelope,” Hotch offered a tiny smile, hugging her back.

Garcia set her mug down on the kitchen counter and came over to share her confusion with the rest of the team.

“I saw his psych eval get posted,” she whispered hastily. “What is going on?”

You shrugged. “He said he’s ready to be back.”

“Yeah, but—”

“Babygirl, we know,” Morgan shushed her. “He won’t listen.”

You snorted, knowing that was the truth. Above anything else, Aaron was stubborn. You didn’t know why you didn’t expect him to pull something like this. In fact, you felt stupid for not seeing it coming. You should’ve known.

You gave him a few weeks, depending on how many cases came through that needed the BAU’s attention, but nothing more. He’d realize he needed a break eventually, and then he’d most likely take a month off.

Or he’d retire. But you didn’t want to think about that.

You wanted him to have his time to grieve and heal, but you didn’t want to lose him entirely. The BAU wouldn’t be the same without him.

You were not alone in that sentiment, either. Garcia asked you a few days earlier if you thought Hotch might take Strauss’s retirement offer. You didn’t know what to tell her, not really. If he did, you’d understand. But you’d miss him even more than you had these past two weeks.

+++

Your relationship with Hotch had always toed the line of being inappropriate, ever since you began at the BAU a few years ago.

After his divorce from Haley was finalized and she seemingly wanted nothing to do with him, you felt less guilty about your lingering looks. The guilt evaporated entirely when Hotch began sharing the looks, and added small touches.

At first, it was nothing to concern yourself with.

He always sat next to you on the jet, so these times were no different — although he began sitting closer. Thighs nearly touching, forearms brushing, always bordering on too much, but never enough to raise any suspicions.

His fingers brushed against yours while he handed you files, your bulletproof vest, or a piece of evidence. He started putting his body in front of yours when gunfire was involved, even though you both had the same level of protection on your bodies.

And when he could, he paired you with him for interviews, interrogations, or general splitting of the team. The two of you never shared a hotel room, but he and Rossi always get their own rooms. You did notice, however, that your room was often next to his.

You were tempted, many times, to knock on his door, but you never did. Foyet’s terror began, and then Hotch’s family was targeted, and his attention was torn away from you.

Not that you blamed or resented him for that, of course. It made perfect sense for Hotch to turn his focus to his ex-wife and his son when a serial killer was after them. Disappointment crept into your body, but you pushed it away. Bigger problems were at hand.

You comforted Hotch as best you could during those times without crossing any lines.

“We’ll get him,” you remember saying one night, among other things that you probably shouldn’t have uttered. But your words worked and he thanked you for talking to him, even though you’re sure Rossi and others said similar things.

We’ll get him, you all had said. We’ll catch Foyet.

And you did, but there was no “we” involved. Aaron knew where Foyet was going and was already headed there by the time the team figured it out. He was on a one-man mission, no matter what anyone says to try and make it seem less so.

With Hotch back in the office, feelings were resurfacing, though you tried quieting them. The circumstances now seemed even more inappropriate than before, so you kept yourself under a close watch.

It didn’t help, though, that Aaron had gone back to his old ways.

When the team boarded the jet for the first case since his return, you took your seat first, expecting him to sit elsewhere, but he took the seat directly to your right, effectively boxing you in. Not to mention, he was closer than he had ever sat, and you didn’t know what to do with that.

So, you behaved as normal.

“Alright,” you exhaled. “Let’s figure out what the hell we’re dealing with here.”

The case was standard, reminiscent of a thousand others you had worked on already. In a way, you were glad that this was the first case Hotch was back on. You thought maybe it would help him to work on something so familiar.

Your hopes were confirmed when the jet landed, and the team headed to the precinct. Hotch was behaving as his usual Unit Chief self.

+++

It didn’t take long for your relationship with Hotch to get back to where it was, and for it to take the step further that you wanted it to way back then.

It only took two cases, three months, for you to be in bed with him.

You didn’t knock on his door like you always wanted to. He knocked on yours.

“We really shouldn’t be doing this,” you whispered, your lips just barely touching his cheek. He hovered over you, his arms bent at the elbows and resting on either side of your head. His entire body was pressed into you, the weight comforting.

His heavy breathing filled your ears. “I know.” He rested his forehead against yours.

“You’re drunk,” you said, not upset by the fact, just aware of it.

“I’m not,” he said, shaking his head, but you could smell the alcohol on his lips. You could taste it.

He wasn’t lying. He had one drink, one glass of whiskey, but that was it. He wasn’t drunk. He was buzzed. He’d remember this in the morning. And he wanted to.

“If you’re not,” you murmured, “then what are you doing here, Aaron?”

He lifted his head, his eyes raking over every inch of your face. “What I’ve wanted to for a long time,” he said. “If Foyet hadn’t come back, I would’ve…”

He shook his head, and you shushed him, wanting him to stop this train of thought before it continued. “Don’t. Shhhh, don’t, we don’t have to talk about that right now,” you cradled his face in your hands. “Don’t do that to yourself.”

He nodded. He thought for a moment, regret and shame passing over his face. “Maybe we shouldn’t.”

“Yeah,” you agreed, even though you hated it, even though you really wanted to. But you knew it was the right decision for the night. “You should sleep.” You paused, brushing your fingers through his hair. “You should stay.”

“Can I?” he asked softly, like he knew he shouldn’t. “Just for tonight?”

“Yes,” you murmured. “Stay.”

He did.

[shorthaltsjester]

god i cannot express how impressed in general i am with the storytelling that cr is doing with candela obscura but what really strikes me is how evident it is that the storytelling they do is defined by the hearts of those who are putting it together rather than adhering to a specific idea or image of a given story that they want to uphold. there is such a stark difference between the tones of chapter one and chapter two (to the fault of neither, i’ve enjoyed them both immensely because they both happen to hit parts of the supernatural-horror genre that I am so deeply fond of and so happy to see in a real play medium).

there’s the obvious difference in gming styles, matt has fantasy running through his veins and that’s evident in the way that chapter one ends up having a tone akin to something like the scarier episodes of buffy the vampire slayer. spenser outright references mike flanagan in his pre-interview thing and good grief is that so so evident in his narration and the way he emphasizes the themes emerging in the story in the environment of the world they journey through and choices like the letter from sean’s mother that subvert the audiences ability to rely on a character’s perception.

but the energy the groups of players bring to the storytelling is obviously also so important, too. like, even just looking at the groups prior to watching each I probably could’ve guessed which might’ve had a more lighthearted tone. the combination of ashley, anjali, and robbie already would be one i’d guess a more warm/goofy vibe for (not to say they can’t be serious and dramatic, but the tone of the seriousness is still warm and the world that prompts them towards drama likewise feels warm) and laura, despite her propensity for goofs, does tend to be a chameleon with group make ups. likewise i think we all had a certain (affectionate) fear™ when it was revealed that marisha, brennan, luis, and travis would be reuniting in another short form story and that has certainly held up and been incredibly bolstered by zehra’s absolute commitment and immersion into the story (constantly fucking blown away that this is her first real play she’s incredible).

this is all just to say as someone deeply interested in digital storytelling, i am so so enamoured by cr’s commitment to following their own desires as humans telling stories to one another while adhering to the requirements they have as a company. and also if you haven’t you should watch candela obscura, especially now that spooky season is here.

[retrieve-the-kraken]

Okay, so I’ve finished my taxes, and I’m basically out of the woods with some overwhelming work stuff, and everything turned out well with a medical situation with my mum, but I am still very tired, but I also cannot keep going without putting my preliminary thoughts on my very first viewing of season 3 down on a post…

It seems my worst characterization so far is assuming that these two idiots would learn to communicate. They haven’t, they’re stupid teenagers, they’re really bad at it, they get mad at each other for everything, and they don’t listen. And that needs to change soon if we want Wilmon endgame.

Boris, do you do couples therapy? PLEASE HELP THEM.

I think a big reason Wilhelm lashes out, besides getting caught up in his own head, is the fact that he’s also constantly afraid of saying the wrong thing and pissing Simon off. But the stakes for Simon are clearly higher. Wilhelm really needs to learn to communicate, but he’s dragging a whole life of terrible communication and zero support, so HOW is he supposed to learn, if he naturally feels afraid to open up?

It shows in the way he reacts to learning about Erik. Simon might be right, and Erik maybe just gave in to peer pressure, like everyone else in that school (which we see over and over again, like with the strike, and that guy who just repeats ‘yeah hilarious’ when Vincent tells him, and the graduation rituals and basically everything that everyone does at that fucking school), and maybe he wasn’t particularly homophobic. Or maybe he was, but if he had found out about Wilhelm maybe he would have changed his views (after all he was a stupid kid too)… But how would Wilhelm know? Erik is dead, there’s no way of asking him, confronting him about it. And people still call him perfect, and still compare him to his brother.

It must be so traumatizing to have held this person in your head as the one you trusted for everything, the one who would support you most, the one who probably knew you better than anyone else, who would love you and be there for you no matter what, and it turns out that he might not have accepted you at all. And just like that Wille is all alone and angry and afraid again.

(This is why it’s extra cruel that August posted that fucking video, especially how premeditated it was to share it over the whole world, but also then tell Wilhelm that his brother was possibly a homophobe. It doesn’t matter that he went through that horrible hazing, it doesn’t matter that he put a stop to it, and it doesn’t matter that he’s a stupid kid too, the fact that he did THAT to someone, anyone, is awful and he should have known better.)

So that scene in season 1 when Erik teases Wilhelm about his crush potentially changes completely. Maybe he didn’t suspect anything, maybe it was just a coincidence that he never used any pronouns…

And that makes it even more traumatizing that his parents still think of Erik as the figure of perfection, and Wilhelm, who is queer and scandalous and rebellious, is the real thorn on their side. Fucking Ludvig saying that Erik really was perfect, that he didn’t have “that darkness inside of him”, to his surviving son… But for all we know maybe Erik’s death was not accidental, maybe he did have “a darkness” inside of him.

On the other hand, that “darkness” doesn’t excuse Kristina at all. I am convinced that this depression/burnout that she’s going through is absolute bullshit. Sure, she might be depressed, she’s still grieving her “perfect” heir, and she’s going through a lot. But it’s like Wilhelm says, how convenient that she shuts down and breaks down now. She wasn’t like this when the video happened, because she could still cover it up. And she wasn’t like this when Wilhelm called her to scream that he was going to abdicate, because she could still drag him out of Hillerska. It was only when he told the whole world, and there was no covering it up anymore, that she suddenly became fragile with grief.

And even if it were true, even if she’s going through a severe depression or burnout, as a result of everything that’s happened, that doesn’t excuse her previous lies and manipulations. And it makes the fact that she still really wants Wille to become her successor, despite knowing what it could do to him, despite knowing that he’s already extremely anxious and that he does not know how to manage his own emotions, is evil.

(And even if she wants August to be the backup too, knowing how he is, knowing his own family history, and how it could affect him too, is evil too.) MORE on this later.

Kristina uses her breakdowns to emotionally manipulate Wille into trying to do his best to be the perfect crown prince, now indirectly through Farima and Ludvig. And Wille’s so concerned with her and her fragility that it affects his relationship with Simon. Because he’s anxious about the possible imminence of having to take over, of being the new monarch, when he can barely control his own feelings, when he just wants to enjoy his first relationship and just be in love.

Of course he made things worse for himself and Simon when he publicly revealed their relationship, but we can understand where that’s coming from. He didn’t want to hide anymore, he didn’t want to not be able to be himself anymore, not be able to be with the boy he loves. But they’re still forced to hide, because people start hating on Simon, because people won’t stop talking about them (as much as I HATED Wille shushing Simon, I also understood that he didn’t want anyone to hear their argument, because he didn’t want to give people more reason to talk about them, but also there’s probably a lot of ‘keeping up appearances’ embedded in his mind), because they are very different and almost incompatible for many reasons, and because being the crown prince means conforming to a lot of things (no tattoos, no cutting your hair shorter than, no nail polish, no expressing political opinions, etc etc), and so he has to remove the nail polish and he doesn’t want his foundation to be geared toward LGBTQIA+ people or mental health issues… He can’t express himself, he can’t be himself, because what he is or who he is for real is not compatible with his role or what is expected of him… he’s so repressed still.

(The whole nail polish scene, and the scene where Simon suggests that Wille’s foundation could be geared toward LGBTQIA+ youth, reminded me a little of Isak in SKAM saying that he wasn’t just going to start marching in the Pride parade or wearing makeup. Wille is not necessarily about identity expression, or at least he doesn’t think that he should be. He just wants to be himself, and be with the boy he loves, and that’s it).

As for Simon, he can do no wrong, and I absolutely agree with everything he says and does, but he has always been very idealistic, and he does come across as a little more naïve than I expected, especially with the whole social media comments and his song. It wasn’t the first time he experienced it, because things went south for him when he appeared on the video, so for him now to think that people are magically not going to be cruel.

But I understand how much he’s sacrificing for Wille, and Wille not appreciating it at all must sting. Just like he points out that he didn’t have contact with Micke for years, for Sara’s sake, and suddenly she’s living with him… that fucking hurt. Simon has always been very opinionated and outspoken, and he’s very authentically and proudly himself, but he’s also always molded himself to what other people need, like being a parented child and taking on too much in the house to relieve Linda, and taking care of Sara, and worrying about his father, and letting himself be manipulated by Marcus, and now basically giving up a lot of himself to be with Wille. And as a result Linda treats him like he’s a drug addict, and Sara goes to the father she didn’t want to have contact with, and Marcus talks shit about him to the press, and Wille doesn’t listen to him…

Sara saw the light (sort of), so maybe hopefully Wille will too. More on that later too.

Anyway, it would have been nice for someone from the royal court to sit Simon down and explain to him what being the boyfriend of a royal involves, so that Wille doesn’t have to figure out how to tell him all these difficult things himself. Wille is so used to some of these things, they seem so obvious to him, that he might not immediately think of how weird or outlandish it might seem to Simon. (THat scene with the cake, I mean… it was funny in a way, but I wonder how many terrifying thoughts crossed Simon’s mind, the obvious “wait what??? did I just eat poison???” but also “wait what??? someone’s trying to poison my boyfriend????” and “there are kids here, have they also accidentally been poisoned????”).

I really really hope that, since he’s being forced to go to Boris with August, that Wille will think about going with Simon, and trying to work things out. They need to be able to say all these things to each other, get on the same page.

More importantly, I need a callback to what Boris said to him in season 2, about the expectations of his family, about being able to make his own choices. Which Wille internalized beautifully with that speech to Simon outside his house.

Anyway, this is already very long. Moving on to more general thoughts:

- I did think that the fact that they sort of resolved the whole issue with the police report and the drugs felt a little anticlimactic. It was built up and built up and the whole season 2 finale was about that, and we had a cliffhanger and everything, and then… bye. I wonder if it will come back (more on that later).

- And for that matter, Alexander just became a background character. Did he even have any lines? I could barely spot him.

- August telling Wilhelm in front of everyone at the table that he’s sure Wille will fuck up on his own… rich.

- Also Stella and Rosh was sort of hinted at, it happened in a blink, and then Fredrika was… jealous? Confused? Homophobic? All of the above? But then… NOTHING. Stella was even missing in the last episode, because she was “sick”… (scheduling conflicts for Felicia? Actually sick?)

- I think it’s interesting that Sara preached and preached to Simon about giving people a second chance, including their dad, and then she… goes and does it? It wasn’t the first time she did, she was with August despite the awful thing he did. And then she goes and… gives August ANOTHER chance????

- Someone needs to tell Sara that she needs to stop getting wtih August, because every time they get together somehow, Wilmon go south… It seems these two couples cannot exist simultaneously…

- So I still have to rewatch, but… is August then in the middle of selling his father’s estate to pay Simon? Are any of his friends aware of this?

- I have a cultural question: what was the whole deal about travelling to the US? I mean, I thought they were asking if these kids have never travelled abroad, but they mentioned the US specifically, several times… Is that a thing in Sweden, traveling to the US? Not any other part of Europe? Not Asia? Just wondering. Made me curious.

- Still waiting for this season’s Elias song… just one episode left… If we don’t get one, or a callback to Revolution, I might claw my face off…

- Nils repeating that maybe Wille would have been better off with someone from the inner circle. Seriously, Nils, who do you mean? WHO? Who could you be referring to? Hmm?

- Something else about Nils… a part of me really wished that Wille would have asked Nils for confirmation on the Erik thing. Wille obviously doesn’t want to believe it at first, but then he does, and hearing it from August makes it even worse, so maybe hearing it from someone like Nils would be the final confirmation that he would need, that his brother was the worst. On the other hand, for him to ask Nils to confirm something like that, as a gay, and possibly hearing what happened to him as a result of it… that would have probably made it even worse.

- Really hate that Marcus was mentioned, that he came back to haunt Simon in a way, even if it was minimal. But props to Simon for not rising to the bait in that moment.

- Simon, my love, i understand that you’re upset and heartbroken, but… it would have been nice if you tried to get Wille to talk to you one last time, before breaking up with him on his birthday… especially seeing everything he’s going through. Not that your feelings are any less important than his, of course, but… are you trying to get him to jump out the window????

-Eternally saddened by the disappearance of the orange sweater. Eternally saddened by the fact that Wilhelm did not set foot in or around Simon’s house this season. Although who knows, still one episode left…

Things that I liked most:

- Seriously the chemistry between Edvin and Omar is OFF THE CHARTS. The intimacy coordinator this season was very good.

- Especially that sex scene. Not just because it makes me immensely happy when my favorite ship fucks, because holy shit that was hot, but also because there’s a whole theme around all the hate mail and messages and classism and homophobia and toxic masculinity that Simon is a target of, especially being Latino, whilst Wille, being white and privileged and high class and the heir to the throne, is probably seen as the “man” of the relationship (especially since in the video he’s also the one “in control” whilst Simon is the receiver), so it’s very VERY satisfying to see that they are both top and bottom at times, and they both equally enjoy it.

- Also the use of choir music during the sex scene, giving it a very holy feel, much like Elias’s Holy playing when they have sex again in season 2… seriously I NEED my Elias song this season or I WILL START A REVOLUTION.

- At first I was annoyed at the whole “school possibly closing” plotline, because I thought it was unneeded. Or that maybe it would play a bigger role in the whole video-drugs controversy. But the truth is that it was really good, how it highlighted these kids’ privilege and the absurdity of wanting to cover things up and uphold traditions, and it also worked wonderfully to highlight the divide between Simon and Wille. As Simon says to Wille, he only takes a stand when he has nothing to lose.

- Felice. Felice this whole season was magnificent. Her whole breakdown over the end of her friendship with Sara, showing how truly important it was to her. And Madison saying that sometimes breaking up with a friend is worse than getting dumped, and I AGREE SO MUCH. But then I also think she loses her sense of self, because despite being popular and beautiful, she still gets used and treated badly, by August (obviously), but also by Wille (the kiss), and worst of all by Sara (who in a way used her for her horse, but also for the clout). And in the meantime, she’s treated differently than the other students for being one of the few black girls, and she gets singled out for her hair… and yet, the school is using her to make themselves look good. And now she decides to give Sara a second chance, because she really missed her, because it really hurt to lose that friend, and Sara goes and… does that…

- One of my favorite things about Simon is how he is proof that just because you’re gay doesn’t mean that you have flawless fashion sense. And i can’t help but wonder how fashion and style icon/ELLE’s Best Dressed Man/OMR Beauty founder Omar feels about Simon’s fashion choices. Never change, Simon, never change.

- Vincent was every bit of the tremendous asshole that I hoped he’d be this season. Did not disappoint. I wanted to punch him in the face every time he opened his mouth. Marvellous.

- I’m happy that we got more Madison, but still not enough. Still, iconic. Forever one of my favorite characters.

- I don’t know what to say about Sara and Micke. Just maybe that, when he played that song in the car, even before they started singing, i just knew “oh fuck, it’s all going to shit soon…” I guess Sara felt lost enough that she was suddenly willing to give him a second chance. And the whole “is that going to happen to me?” bit really made me sad. That she understands that mental health and mental illness is unfortunately many times hereditary, and worries that she might become just like him… But despite not being entirely like him, with addiction problems and such, she was still unreliable like him, she did bad things to her family like he did… I was rooting for you, Micke, we were all rooting for you.

- I feel that August’s love for status and for the monarchy might be starting to fray at the edges. First with the fact that he was reminded of his own traumatizing initiation, and reminded of how the crown prince, his cousin and friend and idol, himself was part of that. Second with the fact that Simon points out that he might have an eating disorder, how he would probably not fare any better than the queen if he were in such a stressful position as crown prince or king, how difficult it is for him to handle stress and anxiety. And third with seeing how it affects Wille and Simon and realizing that something similar might still happen to him and Sara. And the fact that he reveals to Sara why he is the way he is, that he lets his guard down with her, might point to even more growth (even though I hate that Sara sort of gave him a “second chance” again). Also I feel the reality of how they, the Royal Court, would control his life is finally sinking in. Hopefully he will also soon realize that they also use him as a manipulation tool. So maybe he won’t let himself be manipulated by them much longer.

- I loved Wille’s ultimate outburst at his mother and father, i love that he told them everything they needed to hear, about their emotional abuse, their neglect. Unfortunately they still refused to acknowledge how terrible parents they have been, and walked off, instead of trying to resolve it. So Wille throwing around the gifts, as impulsive and tantrum-ish it might come across, makes perfect sense. He tries to talk and gets nothing in return. If he’s repressed it’s bad, but if he expresses himself then nothing happens either.

- And I love that Simon got to see what Wille is really dealing with. As privileged as he might be, he’s still lacking the most important things: unconditional support and love. No amount of money or status can make it better, and Wille is broken. The only thing is that, Simon saw how broken Wille was over the death of his brother, whom he loved very much, but I don’t think he quite grasps the gravity of Wille learning that maybe that beloved brother wouldn’t have been so cool with him, because he has never had to deal with a parent or sibling rejecting him for his sexuality. It’s something very different to be rejected by society at large than it is to be rejected by your own family, and not everyone has the emotional strength to deal with that. So for Wille’s parents to still like his potentially homophobic dead brother more than him, is heart-wrenching. But I don’t think Simon really gets that because he’s probably not surprised that Erik might have been like that, because in his eyes those privileged kids in that school (except obviously Wille, and Felice and Madison, who is asking about the non-binaries) are probably all massive homophobes.

- Despite this, I love that Simon sets boundaries nonetheless. I mean, it hurt like fucking hell for him to tell Wille, on his fucking birthday, that maybe they shouldn’t be together. But just because Wille is hurting doesn’t mean that Simon has not also been hurting too. And if they can’t comfort each other, and try to support each other when they both obviously most need it, then maybe they’re just not going to work. And it took a lot of guts for Simon to bring it up in that moment, in Wille’s bed, in the palace, where he’s basically trapped, with nowhere to go, no way to get away (I doubt he called Linda in the middle of the night to come pick him up more than two hours away in Stockholm).

My hopes for the final episode (I don’t think I have any predictions other than, open ending or not, Wilmon will be endgame and there will be a revolution, I just don’t know how):

- Wilmon talk. An actual, healthy, heartfelt talk. A reconciliation for the ages.

- That the fucking school will close and August won’t be able to graduate, and he’ll realize that maybe he shouldn’t have “lived for that school”, as Erik once put it.

- That Wille will realize that, if Erik was not the person he thought he was, then maybe he no longer has to live up to his legacy anymore. @foreverunraveling pointed out how, now that the big Erik revelation is confirmed, then maybe the queen’s trump card to manipulate Wille into being the ideal crown prince is gone. Wille doesn’t care about the monarchy really, but he did care about not disappointing his brother, the “perfect crown prince”, and now we know that he was far from perfect. Erik lived a double life, as Wille points out, there was “public Erik” or crown prince Erik, and there was “private Erik”, or the real Erik (or so Wille thought, now we know there was a “secret Erik” which was the real Erik) and Wille struggles so much with the idea of having to split himself in two, . Wille cannot live a double life, he withers away when he has to hide himself, and now he gets the opportunity to leave that stifling life behind, and blossom.

- That Simon will get a fucking break. I hate that his whole life was turned upside down from the moment the video was leaked, and it’s just never going to be the same, whether he stays with Wille or not, he’ll always be the boy from the crown prince sex tape, he’ll always be the crown prince’s ex, or the crown prince’s boyfriend. But I want some positive feedback for him, someone bigger than the woman and the little boy wanting a selfie. I want him to have his own fanclub or something. Maybe that’s too idealistic…? (I may be imagining something like that scene in Red White and Royal Blue, when they realize that there’s a whole crowd outside the palace all excited to the the Prince and his First son boyfriend… one can dream).

- I want whatever Felice said during the interview to be taken seriously, and for her to stop doubting herself.

- I want a genuine apology from August.

- Also one from Kristina.

- I get the feeling that the fact that August leaked the video might still come out publicly, what with the whole school issue. And in that case, I would like for it to be Simon might to do it, tossing the money from the settlement in his face. It looks like Simon still feels guilty about accepting it, especially when he chided Wille about his privilege and Wille (figuratively) threw the money back in his face. What if Simon does it literally?

- I really wanna know what’s going to happen between Felice and Sara now. The outlook is not good.

- Is it too much to ask to know what’s going on between Stella and Fredrika?

- Most importantly, is the whole thing with Erik going to come out eventually? And how will people react? With support for the monarchy, or with support for Wille?

I have so many more thoughts, but I’m slightly burnt out, and I really should take a break. Also this is way too long. Might have more thoughts once I’ve rewatched the first five episodes, calmly over the weekend…

Also this is very long and I’m sorry.

[distraughtlesbian]

can i speak my truth ? can i keep it real ? there shouldve been more in-party conflict in blades 2. like obviously mc should’ve gotten to cuss mal out in particular when he was like You Dont Know What We’ve Been Thru as if getting kidnapped and forced into a magically induced coma and getting your blood stolen and having constant benadryl nightmares is a walk in the park lmfao, and also just gotten to talk more about what they went through and how it’s impacted them

but also there should’ve been way more beef between the other party members. like girl if i’m nia and i’m spiralling scorning sleep and food constantly hunting for a way to free MY GIRLFRIEND (!!) from the clutches of some goth elf cunt on top of making the fantasy catholic church christlike again and repressing my inner shadow demon and one of my friends is like “hesdeadjim.png give up also fuck you” and then fucked off to be an alcoholic pit fighter, i wouldve actually just thrown hands when we saw each other next. no magic no nothing just me and my nasty little fingers (covered in paper cuts from all the arcane shadow tomes ive been reading) coming straight for her eye sockets. staff of silverlake should’ve been nia’s weapon and she should’ve leapt into the pit in chapter 4 and clocked imtura in the skull with it.

like you bitches should be CRAZY!!!! you should all have DISORDERS!!!! you should be begging ravens perched on busts for RESPITE AND NEPENTHE from your memories of me !!!!!! the moon should never beam without bringing you dreams of ME and the stars never rise but you feel MY bright eyes. tyril should be half-mad with grief and stress he should be mumbling to himself and seeing mc’s silhouette in dark corners. nia should be clearly and obviously off her fucking rocker and constantly on the verge of self destructing and taking us all out with her. imtura should be constantly blind drunk so she doesn’t have to feel her grief or anything at all really. mal should have been in the wind the second it started looking like mc wasn’t coming back and nobody’s heard from him in months. kade should be in a bottomless pit of grief bc when he was stuck in the shadow realm we never gave up hope and we went to rescue him but now that the tables are turned he’s slowly losing hope and day by day and night by night we recede and he becomes more faithless. threep and loola should be inseparable sleeping in a pile together never beyond a wing-length from one another and keeping obsessive tabs on all the other party members no matter how far-flung across morella they are because they’ve already lost everyone and everything they knew to the shadow court once and they’ll be damned if they lose anything else. also kade and aerin should’ve built up a weird semihostile rapport bc once everything fell apart and everyone went their separate ways it was just the two of them in the whitetower palace and kade would go to his cell and sit out of arm’s reach to vent about his time in the shadow realm and his grief and hopes and fears. they both knew and loved mc, in their own ways, despite how aerin hurt them, and now they’ve both lost them, maybe for good. maybe one day aerin starts talking back

where is the SPICE where is the FLAVOUR? where’s the DRAMA where’s the OOMPH where’s the PANACHE? you cannot look at me and tell me these dysfunctional bitches wouldn’t fall back into their worst habits once the one person who held them all together up and vanished into the void. why am i not ending each chapter feeling like i’ve just gotten punched in the dick bc the love is so obviously still there and that’s why it hurts so bad. they should’ve put their whole budget and pussies into forcing the party to fit themselves back together even though they’ve all grown new sharp edges and keep cutting each other up. they should’ve gone full dark no stars about it. grief is an amputation but hope is incurable hemophilia you bleed and bleed and bleed, plants that are split down the middle dont heal they die, you are a language i am no longer fluent in but still remember how to read, what lived and died between us haunts me still, if someone asked me at the end i’d tell them “put me back in it”, i care what ghosts think of me, come back even as a shadow even as a dream, someone has to leave first this is a very old story there is no other ending to this story, etc, etc, you get it you understand. also the mc should’ve come back WRONG.

[thedyingwriter]

somethings that i needed to get out regarding today's episode:

9-1-1 live airs in the US around 7 am Friday in my country and i get to watch it at 10:30 am on disney hotstar.

I couldn't wait so i was awake all night and was literally on twt since 6:30 am to get some clips.

that's where i find out that bucktommy break up.

i have been devastated all day. i have cried multiple times and i have literally lost count atp. it hurts like an actual breakup and i have absolutely no one irl to share this grief with.

the Abby being the ex-fiance wasn't even a major issue. i have been seen it done so well in so many fics.

Josh's speech was so beautiful and important but then to pull a breakup like that makes no fucking sense.

after what we saw in 8x5 breaking them made absolutely zero sense.

i was too overwhelmed so i tried to sleep and actually watched the entire episode around 11 am. I wanted to keep and open mind and analyse the episode.

twt is literally so toxic rn. I'm not even opening it.

after watching the entire episode i was even more confused as the breakup made zero sense.

we have had 8 seasons of character growth for buck, if they end up making him go back to casual relationships it just feels a complete wastage of 8 seasons of growth.

and from what we've seen in the past episodes the breakup was completely uncharacteristic to both buck and tommy.

it made no sense. why would tommy put so much effort if he knew it wouldn't last.

him constantly showing up for evan and talking about family just made zero sense for him to break up like that.

also it kinda felt weird to bring moving in together before saying i love yous.

and the way he said "the parking spot was too good to be true". this breakup doesn't feel good at all. he was obviously in pain and so was buck. this isn't doing any of them any good.

utter bullshit.

plus the "I'll see you around buck" broke me. like why the fuck would you do that to me and to buck.

it felt like someone put fucking alcohol all over a stab wound and then rubbed salt all over it.

LOW BLOW.

now coming to the post ep interviews which btw made it worse.

i was still under the impression that the way the breakup happened there was still hope for reconciliation because remember even tarlos went through breakups.

but then lou confirmed he might not be back and that this is it. specially that buck line. UGH.

and that #letbuckfuck interview with oliver really triggered me. I'm a bisexual woman and the reason i really loved buck's discovery of his sexuality was bcs Oliver was very determined in Givin a good bi rep.

but this doesn't feel that way. he could have said that he wants to see buck explore his sexuality more with both men and woman but the whole "girl, girl, guy. guy, girl, guy" montage was a very disturbing image.

it feels very stereotypical and biphobic.

it just hurts me so much. idk why i expected so much from a network tv show who has been queerbating for years.

i am gonna be watching this season just to see how they salvage buck's relationship and sexuality. it feels incomplete.

but if it goes in the buck 1.0 direction that's it for me.

i watch 911 as an escape from reality and if it goes so bad i am not continuing with the show.

it has already tested my limits and mental health enough.

also i need to point out that there are a lot of people who enjoy watching sports a lot more than they enjoy playing it. buck is a watcher. he would have loved seeing the Lakers match. just bcs he doesn't like to play doesn't mean he hates basketball.

a little extra side notes-

really excited for another buckley han kid. hope they don't ruin it. want to see how they deal with ppd this time.

also happy for eddie and really hoping he gets chris back soon.

ya'll need to understand how platonic friendship buddie is also so important rn then them getting together bcs eddie is def not ready to date.

if he starts dating he'll feel super guilty for putting his desire above chris all over again.

ALSO FOR PEOPLE IN THE BACK- EDMUNDO DIAZ IS CANON STRAIGHT.

[wc-confessions]

Yo. This is going to be a long rant since I am currently reading Tallstar’s revenge. I really hate Sandgorse. And I kind of hate Palebird, but mostly Sandgorse. (Cw; Abuse) I put the warning since Sandgorse is clearly abusive, though people tend to overlook that. So I’ll be explaining a little bit about what he’s done to Tallpaw. When it comes to the abuse toms in the series, people tend to often ignore or just downright deny that. (Ex: Crookedstar ironically enough and I’m not talking about on Rainflower’s end. Goosefeather, Tigerclaw (To be clear from Mapleshade and Pinestar. Pinestar is neglectful while Mapleshade groomed him). So I will argue with you if you disagree that “Sandgorse isn’t abusive"; he is. He’s a god-awful father. If CPS was a thing in this universe, I’d call them on him. 

Early on in reading Tallstars Revenge I liked Sandgorse for his passion for digging and because he seemed like a super caring father at first. But as the story progressed, he just started pissing me off. I hate how he cares more for damn tunnels than he does for Tallpaw’s own well-being and what he wants. I hate how he tried to force Tallpaw to do something he didn’t want and then cold-shouldered him for rightfully being terrified. As I got to chapter 14, it’s clear he’s just plain emotionally abusive, and overall, he's an emotionally absent father from Tallpaw. He doesn’t care about Tallpaw’s feelings and often dismisses how visibly uncomfortable he was. 

He insulted his son and brushed off his concerns when the tunnels flooded. I liked him and genuinely thought he was interesting since nobody ever elaborated on why he was "bad,” but Jesus. Nobody ever said he was outright abusive. Like Tallpaw himself says, “But what I want didn’t seem important.” That is how terrible Sandgorse is. That is how his Abuse affects tallpaw. All throughout chapter 13 of the SE, he constantly thought about becoming a tunnel just to please Sandgorse. It’s so fucking obvious that Sandgorse is a shitty and abusive parent. But then again, abuse in the Warriors universe is often overlooked because of how poorly written and portrayed it is and because, in general, not many readers are educated on the different types of abuse and factors involved. That or either they just deny it even exists. I feel so bad for Tallpaw. Even after how Sandgorse treated him, he still loved his father enough to run away from home just to avenge him. Sandgorse is such an ass. And he should’ve even been grateful at all that he had a tallpaw considering his other kit finchkit died. And I love Sparrow (so far, let’s hope he’s still an angel). I love how he pushed Tallpaw to care about what he wanted instead of trying to make Sandgorse happy. I love that he encouraged Tallpaw to follow his own path instead of letting him think that his feelings and what he wanted didn’t matter.

 Ew and the dirty looks Sandgorse kept giving Tallpaw Chapter 14; Page 250; (digital copy)

“Tallpaw snapped his head up and tried to catch Sandgorse’s eye. Before he pushed his way through the heather, his father shot him a look that stabbed Tallpaw’s heart.”

Someone, please help this poor child. Even Dawnstripe (who is his mentor if you haven’t read the SE’s or haven't read Tallstar's yet) could see how shitty he treated Tallpaw.

“Dawnstripe brushed softly against Tallpaw. “Why don’t you run to the first marker?” she suggested. “It might wake you up a bit.” Tallpaw heard sympathy in her mew. She saw how Sandgorse looked at me.”

“Why can’t I have normal kin who care about my training and who are proud of me?”

The fact that he feels so unloved by his parents is genuinely tragic to me. He’s one of the cats in the series that deserves better than anyone. Along with Bumble,Turtle Tail, etc. There’s probably some others, but I have bad memory, so I can’t list them all. This poor cat is continually plagued with grief and feelings of failure, feeling like everything is his fault. It was heartbreaking to see that he thought Palebird would hate him because he felt it was his fault her friend Brackenwing died. Even Sandgorse believed that he’d killed Brackenwing. Though Palebird imo is just as shit about believing it too, I won’t just shit on him for that.

And Sandgorse is such an ass for shit-talking his own son to Sparrow: “A flood scared one of the apprentices, so yeah, it’s all his fault that we can’t tunnel, and I hate him.” And then, in the next chapter, he just dies. And Tallpaw risked his life to save his abuser.  I cannot stress enough how much he deserves better than what he got. He risked his life; he was fully ready to throw away everything just to save his father. He didn’t care how badly he’d treated him; he still loved him. And Hareflight pisses me off. He saw how Shrewpaw kept bullying and picking on Tallpaw and didn’t do anything to stop him, but as soon as Tallpaw beat Shrew's ass, he wanted to act like Tallpaw was in the wrong. In fact, I wouldn't even call it bullying at that point because it's gone so much farther than that. 

.

[weebsinstash]

For real though I am lost in the Miguelverse rn bc the whole you know, concept and setting in general gives so much opportunity for so many different things and he's such a tasty intimidating juicy specimen of a man

Like for starters I keep flip-flopping between concepts of Reader being the Spider of their universe, BUT I also like the idea of Reader being an anomaly, because then you get that torturous pain of like... godDAMN the scene with Miguel and Miles on top of the train was hard to watch, you know? So take that and you've got Miguel trying his hardest to stop you and losing his temper and screaming at you that you're a mistake, you were never supposed to be here, all of those things, and then afterwards he has to try and put all your broken pieces back together after everything you had experienced completely breaks you, like you go from trying to escape him in Nueva York to just going limp in his hold and letting them take you into custody, constantly crying or being completely despodent and literally no longer caring about going home anymore because you feel trapped by being a Spider and feel like your choices are no longer your own. He didn't have any hard feelings against you but you have to follow the canon! And while he's you know keeping a watchful eye on you and making sure you don't kill yourself, he becomes a little too personally invested in your well being, making sure you've eaten, have you slept well, until he realizes too late that he's ATTACHED

Spinoff of this where he accidentally makes Reader kill themselves which also destroys their entire universe and like a few months later Miguel gets another ping in the system and, oh look a new Spiderman, not an anomaly this time, but still... you? Or, A you, maybe not THE same you he had known but, it just tears at his heart as he meets you again and youre so happy and bouncy and charismatic and he knows he has to keep you safe this time, that he cant let you completely fall apart this time. That's kind of getting your cake and eating it too huh? Having the first you be the anomaly and the second you is a true Spider who gets to deal with all his grief and obsession and guilt and all those feelings he never got to address or act on "the first time around"

Ideas of Reader not even being a Spider and just minding their own gd business and a disheveled Miguel from another universe who just lost his own version of you and hasn't slept for shit shows up all of a sudden and corners you because he just HAS to see and hear and touch you again and he's basically lost himself with grief

Ideas where Reader loses their home universe but instead of disappearing with it they just become an anomaly and now you're a Spider without a set destiny who technically shouldn't still exist and Miguel has to keep an eye on you as he watches you gradually sink deeper into the mire of grief and depression because, "does your life even have a purpose now?"

Story ideas where having a darling/obsession is a spidey canon event and Miguel thought he had already gone through his but he stumbles upon you and he starts losing it and getting real freaky obsessed with you and he doesn't exactly stop himself because he thinks it's normal and supposed to happen, and if you resist him in any way he won't let you get away because in his mind if he doesn't have you, not only will he completely fall apart, but what if it causes another universe to collapse?

Stories where you're a Spider and his "coworker" and you two have tension but respect each other and have never really acted on it and suddenly here's another Miguel who isn't quite nearly as reserved or shy as the first and suddenly "your original" has to 'defend his territory' as he knows enough about his own behavior to realize that this other version of him has his sights set on you and, well, your Miguel can't have that

Stories where having a kid is a canon event and Miguel realizes Reader is a grown woman who is actively avoiding relationships altogether and is also on birth control and he realizes "oh shit if she doesn't have a kid will she disappear?" And he's like trying to sabotage your attempts to stay single until eventually he decides, fuck it, maybe it's HIM who has to give you that baby. You know, just a little mating press and some noncon breeding that he swears is to save your life, it *definitely* isn't that he's totally crazy about you and this just gives him the excuse

You know just totally normal ideas about a totally normal totally sane dude

[rebeccathenaturalist]

What Are Mosquitoes Good For?

Originally posted at my blog at https://rebeccalexa.com/what-are-mosquitoes-good-for/

Now that the weather has cooled down over much of the United States, insects have died back or gone into hibernation for the winter. So you may be tempted to be glad that the mosquitoes have disappeared for the time being. Maybe you even wish they wouldn’t come back next year! After all, they’re just mosquitoes, which annoy us and spread diseases, right? What are mosquitoes good for, anyway?

Much to the surprise of a lot of people, they actually have some pretty important ecological functions, and your local ecosystem would likely suffer if the mosquitoes were all exterminated. So today, I am going to be a mosquito apologist.

What Are Mosquitoes Good For? Food!

You may have seen hundreds or even thousands of mosquito larvae swimming in a pond or other fresh water. Perhaps you thought every single one of them came to find you after they became adults! They certainly are prolific; some species can lay as many as 300 eggs at once.

But this isn’t just because they want to have more young to annoy you, generation after generation. Rather, it’s because a lot of mosquitoes end up eaten before they even get a chance to reproduce. As eggs and larvae, they’re food for fish, amphibians, and aquatic insects and other arthropods. Once they take to the wing, birds and bats become major predators, as do adult dragonflies and other winged insects, plus spiders that catch them in their webs. While a single bat might not actually eat 1000 mosquitoes in a night, all those various predators do take a significant chunk out of the mosquito population.

Platanthera obtusata is just one of many orchids that rely on mosquitoes for pollination.

What Are Mosquitoes Good For? Pollination!

Believe it or not, most mosquitoes aren’t out for your blood! The majority of mosquito species are entirely vegetarian; it’s only a few in which the females seek out blood to help produce eggs. Most mosquitoes drink nectar or plant sap, and in the pursuit of the former they play a vital role in pollinating the flowers they visit. Goldenrod and orchids are just two examples of groups of plants pollinated by mosquitoes. And while mosquitoes might drive Alaskans buggy, they are vital for pollination during the short Arctic summer.

What Are Mosquitoes Good For? Keeping Things in Check!

Mosquito larvae spend anywhere from a few days to a few weeks in the water where they hatched. They feed on a variety of bacteria, algae, and other microorganisms. Because they have a lot of growing to do, and need to prepare for their final molt to adult form, they have to eat a lot! That means they help keep their prey species’ populations in check. An overgrowth of algae, for example, can reduce the amount of sunlight that submerged plants have access to, and as the algae dies it increases the amount of nitrogen in the water. By constantly grazing on algae, mosquito larvae are helping to prevent these sorts of ecological imbalances.

What If We Made Mosquitoes Go Extinct?

So what are mosquitoes good for? Quite a lot, apparently! However, there’s no denying some species have also caused us a lot of grief. There have been calls to exterminate all mosquitoes, or at least every species that could ostensibly cause us problems through disease transmission. And to be sure, I don’t want to see people dying of malaria or West Nile virus, especially as these diseases often hit disadvantaged populations harder, with fewer resources for treatment. But it’s something where we need to weigh the consequences carefully.

What would happen if there were suddenly no more mosquitoes? Sure, the animals that prey on them could potentially find other sorts of food, but there would be an upset in the food web as the predators put more pressure on remaining prey species, which could lead to some of those species become locally endangered or even extirpated. Or the predators might drop in number as they failed to find enough food. Either way, getting rid of all the mosquitoes would have a negative impact on the food web.

Finally, and possibly most importantly–we may not fully understand the ecological roles mosquitoes have. As I wrote recently, ecosystems are incredibly complex networks of relationships among thousands of species, and for centuries we have been eradicating entire species without any thought as to what long-term effects their loss might have on their native ecosystems.

However, that brings up another point: the fact that there are invasive mosquitoes. Invasive species wreak havoc on ecosystems they’re introduced to, and it just so happens that one of the most notorious disease-spreading mosquitoes, Aedes aegypti, is invasive across much of the tropics, as well as subtropical and temperate areas worldwide. Spread through the slave trade, this mosquito is a prime vector for yellow fever, dengue fever, Zika, and several other pathogenic diseases affecting humans. Its cousin, Aedes albopictus, is also a disease vector and is more cold-hardy, meaning it could spread even further.

What’s the answer? Well, historically people just drained wetlands, much to the devastation of the native ecosystems there. More recently, the widespread and indiscriminate use of pesticides like DDT also knocked back mosquito populations (at least temporarily), but also killed off many other animals both directly and indirectly, to include nearly wiping out multiple raptor species due to eggshell thinning. Moreover, mosquitoes have developed resistance to pesticides, making them a less useful tool overall.

More recent innovations to control specific invasive mosquitoes hold some promise. A. aegypti, for example, has been genetically modified in labs to create a strain known as OX513A. Not only do the offspring die before they can reproduce, even if a OX513A breeds with a wild mosquito, but the offspring also apparently lack resistance to some pesticides. Biological control using Wolbachia bacteria inhibits A. aegypti‘s reproduction, and also makes them unable to carry certain diseases such as Zika and dengue fever.

So it would appear that the fight to control invasive species also has the bonus effect of stopping the mosquitoes most likely to give the rest a bad name.

Did you enjoy this post? Consider taking one of my online foraging and natural history classes, checking out my other articles, or picking up a paperback or ebook I’ve written! You can even buy me a coffee here!

[c0smoshit]

Hun, I just saw your post about my request being posted earlier! Don't worry about it! Take all the time you need and I want you to enjoy it as much as you can! I know you'll do amazing, and it'll be worth the wait! I am so sorry Tymblr has been a bitch

Blue eyes ミ★

⋆ ࣪. ℙ𝕒𝕚𝕣𝕚𝕟𝕘 ≫ Cloud Strife/Reader

⋆ ࣪. ℙ𝕝𝕠𝕥 ≫ Cloud's been having some horrific dreams lately

⋆ ࣪. 𝕎𝕒𝕣𝕟𝕚𝕟𝕘𝕤 ≫ angst!, fluff too, traumas, nightmares, slight harrasment from a drunk guy, visions, voices, not proofread!

⋆ ࣪. 𝔸/ℕ ≫ Sorry for the inactivity and tumblr being a bitch :(( But anyways, enjoy this mess 🫶😭

⋆ ࣪. 𝕎𝕠𝕣𝕕𝕔𝕠𝕦𝕟𝕥 ≫ 4.462

« Red »

The colour his mind pictured when he started hearing things, seeing them. His head spinned and hurt, closing his eyes tightly while strange voices filled his mind.

He didn't know where they came from or why they did it, but he was so tired of them.

At first it didn't happen really often, it all started when he stepped on that polluted city. It caused him such a weird and sad feeling, Midgar, the city that was supposed to be such an advance in technology, bringing fresh and huge mako reactors to create those little colorful pearls everyone seemed to want.

But it was all bullshit, they were destroying the planet, milking every mako drop out of it. It got to a point were people couldn't even see the daylight from the slums, greeted by hours and hours of darkness and emptiness.

His mind often circled around how lifeless the faces of the people were, matched with the depressing sight of the metallic buildings and playgrounds. The only natural light that beamed through the endless sandy paths were the children, bringing honest giggles and big jovial grins to the world.

How would it feel to be a kid again?

Nostalgia rested deep inside him, he mourned those years, when it all felt right and real.

Long walks along the little village with his mother, longer ones in the mountains by the back of his house.

Breathe clean air, sleeping with the sound of the air hitting the slope of the mountains with persistence.

His mother caressing his hair as he told her not to ruffle it up

"Learning" how to be a SOLDIER by himself.

He reminisces about his loneliness too, he constantly looked foward to what Tifa's friends were up to.

Although he didn't really fit with anyone on Nibelheim besides Tifa, he was happy and he had dreams. Dreams that were soon sliced by a huge Masamune.

No matter how hard his subconciousness, driven by the silhouette of SOLDIERS and Sephiroth, tried to tell him that those kids were inferior to him, they seemed to be so joyful and honestly happy.

And he just... was there.

Those were the happiest years he had ever looked back on, and now they just remained as memories.

But time appeared to exacerbate those imminent dark nights.

People would frequently put him as a companionless guy, one of many who enjoyed the silent strides of their own feet. And he was, he loved being alone, not with his mind.

He had become accustomed to being alone, he always had been a solitary person and that's all he knew.

His mind roved around his past, his memories, and he often found himself trying to decipher if they were real or just some images that this new voice had placed deeply inside his psyche.

Maybe that was the reason he actually likes spending time with the group, not really the fact that he got to be with them but the comfort of the voices being subdued by them. Even if it just lasted some hours.

Midgar had a dark aura around it that he only seemed to discern. And it got worse and worse, scarlet painted memories of the ones he couldn't protect.

He was tired, tired of it all.

Tired of fighting only to be compensated with grief and regret.

Tired of taking care of everyone, as cruel as it sounded.

Tired of seeing him everywhere, even on the safety of your arms.

The man, if he even deserved that name, who took his life away savagely, his dreams and his trust for him. The day he remembers the most, yet so vaguely, a chaos of blurred ( burnt ) out images inside his messed up brain.

The years had taken away decades of sanity that should still remain inside him.

And hundreds of hours of sleep too.

His body sometimes walked itself out of his makeshift appartment Tifa had lent him, governed by the need of "fresh" air. Nonetheless they were just mere excuses for the fear he felt, knowing that he had to sleep that night with his own thoughts.

He saw you once, streets painted with the caliginosity of the moon, you looked calm as you feet dragged you through the solid metal walls.

He pondered about going and talk to you, but he opted to just watch you fade away into the dead of night. Kind of creepy, he thought, but he didn't want to disturb your peace.

But the metal clank of his comically large sword, resting heavily on his back almost exposed him. Two confused glowing orbs looked around, trying to decipher what they just heard. However they eventually calmed themselves down and continued their enigmatic pace.

He let out a sigh of relief he wasn't aware was holding, lowering the rapid gloved hand that tried to stop the movement of his sword from the handle.

Before he decided that he should leave you alone, something sparkled inside him, something was wrong.

He resumed his steps and before he even had a chance to think, some strange man approached you. Maybe you had a boyfriend he didn't know about?

That option was quickly discarded as your face scrunched up in disgust for a brief moment before you smiled at the man, telling him something. Something he didn't seem really excited about as he slurred some words out of his mouth while closing the distance between the both of you.

His forbearance soon emptied itself, he couldn't bear seeing you like this for another minute. He was aware you knew how to manage yourself in fights and this wouldn't be the first time your shin ended on some guy's crotch.

But everytime something like this occurs, you try to be as polite as you posibly can, not wanting the situation to escalate to a higher problem. Muttering some

"I'm fine thank you"

Your hands crossed in front of your chest, tugging tightly your own shirt as you tried to walk away. But the weird guy got even closer to you, smiling as if he was proud of winning a medal, trying to cage you into the wall.

"Aww cmon, I just wanna have some fun tonight"

His disgusting drunken reek filled your poor nostrils, god why couldn't he just walk away or something?

"You don't want to have some fun?"

You were forced to stop dead on your tracks as his hand launched itself, hitting the wall besides you, ending up at your eye level.

"Hey-"

Your eyes widened in horror as he came closer to your face, whispering something into your ear that your mind couldn't process, as the only thing that popped up instead was the image of your fist fitting so good into his cheekbone.

The hand that grabbed your waist was your last straw, but before you could land a decent blow into the man's face something stopped you. Well, rather someone.

Some signature light blonde locks followed by a stoic and quite angry expression appeared behind the guy, his thin lips parted, words fell out of them full of irritation.

"Mind your own bussiness, freak"

A scoff was heard but it was soon replaced by a leather sound, the yank of someone's jacket followed by the loud sound of a body hitting the ground.

The man quickly got himself up, dusting off his clothes and when he was ready to make some comments about the appearance of the one who had taken him down, he decided to shut his mouth as his eyes travelled to the weapon he was wearing.

That and his intimidating appearance, the moon casting it's light into his back so his face was dark enough not to reveal his features, but not his piercing mako eyes.

Eyes that stared down at him with the most disgusting look he had ever seen on anyone's face before.

And in spite of the fact that Cloud wasn't that intimidating like Barret could be, his actions made his whole facade darker. He wasn't a tall and beefy guy, but he was strong.

Just by one movement of his sword he could slice a motorbike in half, his dexterity with blades was what made him feared.

And yet he was also good in close battles, clear agility as he moved through both the battlefield and the hits that were thrown at him. That and his quick thinking and last minute dodges he offered too.

The man had already vanished into the rumbling engines that worked overnight, fused with the quiet chatter of the souls who worked late. You sighed out in harmony with his grip softening on the handle of his sword once again.

You had so many questions that needed to be answered right now, the louder one asking how come he was here tonight?

The night ended with him taking you back home, telling you that you should be more careful, gaining a frow of your brows and you saying something about how you could protect yourself.

And he knew that, he had seen you fight with him, taking down enemies that he was too slow to see. But he still wanted to take a look after you, make sure nobody harmed you in any ways.

He wanted to be there the way you were there for him.

« Blue »

The way his visions were tinted like, navy blue mixed with some undertones of green.

They were the worst part of all this madness he was enduring.

They caused him headaches and the feeling of disorientation, and he absolutely despised being lost. He didn't even know who he was or why he was here, his mind was the worst puzzle he had to ever go through.

However, that wasn't the darkest thing about it.

The visions felt so real, vivid images flashing through his mind like a high speed train, travelling through all his senses and flooding them.

He could see everything and no matter how hard he tried to squeeze his eyes shut, his own brain forced them open.

He could hear the cries and wailings for mercy, sometimes for help, his help.

He could touch, but everything was so far away yet so close to him.

He could taste the bitter-sweet savour of guilt.

The rancid smell of sadness.

The only sound that brought comfort to him, as it being a signal that he was still alive, ceased it's rythmic pumping. A looming mist spreading from his stomach to the rest of his body, fueling his nerves.

He could sense that they either were years appart from his timeline or mere minutes away.

But the conclusions all ended up in the same alleyway, they were going to happen.

Something deep inside whispered into his pierced ear that he couldn't do anything about them, that they weren't just some visions inside his head.

And they frightened him, watching from an imaginary seat how his friends died, how the planet was destroyed, his face.

As a result from this, his head became a cage that no matter how hard he tried to break the iron bars with his naked hands, he was too weak to do so. He just wanted liberty.

That cage multiplied at least ten times the feeling of claustrophobia the aura of the city gave him.

"No!"

A heartrending cry ringed painfully through his ears, loud enough to make them feel as if they were about to bleed.

His eyes were closed but he didn't want them open either way, the ground felt cold even with his boots on.

"Please don't"

The agonizing voice didn't die down like he was waiting for, instead it increased it's volume, almost as if it wanted for him to look up and see what was going on.

And eventually, he did.

His eyes searched for the voice ( for you ), eyes falling on the hand that was clutching for dear life a metal structure.

He recognized the place right away, the lukewarm temperature envolving the gears and his body, the mustiness that filled up his nose. He was inside a reactor.

Faint lights gloomed upon his clothes as his feet dragged him through the grilles, his back felt empty. He didn't have the soothing weight of his weapon, feeling vulnerable to whoever wanted to fight him.

"Please, Cloud"

That did it for him, it was unmistakably you.

Your sweet and sometimes monotone tone was gone, blatantly swapped with a much more startled and uneasy one. Your hands were the only thing visible for him to see right now, the image of your body suspended in the air already present inside his brain.

He didn't know why but a memory of your hand touching his flooded his mind, he liked the softness of them, he wished he didn't had gloves on.

The more intense your cries became, the more he wanted to scream back at you, tell you that he was there, that you were going to be fine.

But nothing came out of his mouth

He kneeled down in front of you, finally able to see your face. But he didn't like the way you were sweating, how your eyes widened in horror as you looked back at him. He wanted to see your features soften, to hear your laugh, your voice telling him not to overwork himself.

The abyss consumed him, what seemed like miles and miles of hollowness and darkness bellow you.

Your left hand slipped off the edge with a yelp, you were slowly sinking down and he wasn't going to let you do so. His hand grabbed the one that was still gripping the platform, clutching it tightly.

He wouldn't let you slip off that easily.

Your quivering voice was the only sound that could deafen the roar of the engines around the both of you. Although you were visibly sweating, your hand felt cold under the thin layer of his black gloves.

An invisible rock attached to your feet by a thick rope made you feel heavier than before, gradually dragging you lower and lower from his grasp.

He couldn't even let out grunts or sighs out of his mouth, he wanted to tell you to hold on, just a bit more and you were going to be safe with him once again.

He tried to lift you up, but you didn't budge. His body tensed up and he was becoming more and more impatient.

By the time your hand finally gave up on him, he was laying face down on the ground, his feet stopping him from falling down with you.

"I'm sorry"

A tear slipped from your tired eyes, your body dissapearing into the void with the saddest smile he had ever seen on your face. He didn't want to ever see that expression again, he wanted you to smile brightly, not fade out lights with it.

And why were you apologizing? He should be the one to do so, he was unable to save you. You should be here with him now, enveloping your loving arms around him while you thanked him.

He felt his heart being crushed down, he wouldn't be able to feel you pat his shoulder in a reassuring way whenever he had to fight someone again, your hands dusting off his clothes after a long mission.

He wanted to cry, to scream, to kill someone.

But his mouth was sealed shut, his hands trembled but no tears seemed to stain his cheeks. His heart pumped harshly inside his chest and as if someone were tugging his hair, his head hurt.

And when he closed his eyes, they were opened again.

But he wasn't met with cramped, massive iron walls around him, he was met with his unfurnished blank wall.

Thank god, he thought.

His sheet was between his legs and the floor, a cotton waterfall on the side rail of the bed. His shirt was ridden up above his belly button, the moon was still up in the sky staring at him with a motionless facade. And he could've sworn it was mocking him.

He had sat up abruptly, letting out a screech he wanted to let out for a while now, reverberating from his chest and into the small room. He tried to calm his breathing, his hands clutched the matress bellow him.

His hair was messier than it usually was, he stared at the closed window and into the incessant lightless sky.

For the first time in his life he was pleased to see those streets again.

That took place about week ago and of course he didn't tell anyone. He didn't want to pile more stress and worry on the shoulders of the group.

On the outside, his demeanour didn't change a bit. Well, not for the ones who didn't know him.

His subtle tiredness and grumpiness was cristal clear for you to notice. His patience died down sooner than before and his irascibility when he was fighting someone was what exposed him.

And if his answers were dry and short they basically were nonexistent now.

But he had a thick skull and no matter how many times you asked him—

"Is everything alright?"

His head turned around to see you, a confused frown rested on his face. Had he done anything weird?

—he didn't seem to answer you.

He then shook his head and his hand, silently telling you that he was fine. But you stopped yourself before asking him a second time, you didn't want to be a nuisance either way.

You were walking next to him a few meters away from the group in front of you. They walked back to Seventh heaven, but you purposedly abandoned your talk to walk with Cloud instead.

And he didn't seem bothered by it, he appreciated the way you cared about him, but he couldn't tell you what was happening, not now.

He didn't dare to look at you, he knew if he did so, flashes of his prior dreams would engulf his mind.

Sooner or later he did, throbbing guilt crossed painfully his mind when he did so. He saw blue in your eyes.

An ocean emerged in front of his eyes, submerging your face and then your clothes, coalesced with a big meadow of beatiful grown grass that enveloped your features.

He could've found this view incredibly magestic if it wasn't for the fact that he knew what was about to happen.

He didn't- He couldn't take it anymore.

His skull appeared to be thicker inside his skin, crushing down his brain. His hands swiftly made contact with his forehead, eyes closed shut and avoiding to see anything.

Whispers and sometimes yells echoed through the dim alleyway, his knees bucking as he supported himself on the wall.

His eyes achingly opened up again, his hands grasped something that was too soft to be a stone wall, he saw your face.

"Please don't- Please don't go"

"to the reactor..."

Your soft voice with some hints of sleepiness reached his eardrums, was he dreaming?

A question he found himself asking a lot lately, not knowing how to discern between reality and a vision or a dream.

He hesitated to open his eyes once again, his headache had dissapeared but his eyelids felt heavier than before.

When was before?

He saw your face, but you weren't staring at him back. Subsequently your hands stroked his hair tenderly, a touch he would love to die for.

You were humming softly, his mother did that a lot when she was cleaning him up and tucking him before sleep.

He wanted to admire your beauty for just a little while, the moon stared at him once again, but this time he was the one who laughed at it.

Your soft skin, your hair released from the confines of your hair tie, your lips, your eyelashes that batted so cutely whenever you saw an animal, your nose.

You were from another dimension.

And he melted right away after you noticed that he was awake, your smile being the first thing that came into his vision. The loss of warmth on his blonde locks made him a bit mad.

That was when he noticed where he was laying on, your legs. Blood rushed to his cheeks, creating a slight blush on his pale skin. But he shrugged his thoughts fast enough for you not to notice his weakness.

He wished that whenever he had a nightmare or a crude vision your thighs would be there to craddle his head.

He didn't know why he was here but he didn't want to hear the answer too, he was more than happy to be there either way.

He knew he could speak right now, but he didn't have anything to say. Your hand falling down into his cheek followed with a kind look on your lips was what kept him silent.

And the words that fell from them were the only reason he was still fighting Shinra, fighting with you, for you, to hear them again and again.

He didn't demand poetic phrases for him to melt on spot, just by hearing the most simple reassuring worss fall from your lips was more than enough for him.

"I'm here for you "

He spent the rest of the night curled up like a ball on top of your legs, hearing your honeyed words deliciously filling his ears repeatedly.

He wouldn't tell you why he had passed out on top of you, why had he pushed you to the wall in front of the group as he anxiously warned you.

And he ceirtantly wouldn't tell you about how his dream of you walking alone in an alleyway was the reason his body walked itself out of his appartment.

The softness of your skin wasn't there anymore it was replaced by your cozy pillow, but it wasn't enough for him.

Dawn's first light entered through your closed window, hitting his face. He had slept without any worries for the first time in weeks, drowned in your touch.

He wanted to thank you, he only had spent a night with you and you had managed to clear his mind from any racing thoughts. His head craved for your touch, his arms and his hands too.

He looked down and he saw his usual clothes, but now they smelled like you.

But you weren't there, he looked around and he took advatange of the quiet dawn to see your room. It was the same size as his own one, but it was definitely prettier than his.

Clean sheets deliciously wrapped around his body that fell down onto his legs when he sat up on the bed, your bed. Cute posters and images about some cats, family and friends laying around on your desk or hanging on the wall.

He rubbed his somnolent eyes before getting off the bed with a swift move, laying on his feet. He noticed that they were lighter than before and when he looked down, he wasn't wearing his boots anymore. You had taken the time to take them off before getting him inside your bed, a small smile formed on his lips at the thought.

His head pekeed through your door as he opened it as quietly as he could, it was still pretty early so he didn't want to wake you up if you were still around.

Without the huge piece of metal behind his back he was pretty quiet, so he used that on his advantage.

His feet guided him until he reached what seemed to be like your living room, it was the same like your bedroom. It was a copy of his own one but much cozier.

But he didn't have time to look around like he did with your room, you were a much more pleasant sight to see. He walked silently until he was right next to your sleeping form.

The first thing that crossed his mind was how gorgerous you were like this, comfy and relaxed under the spell of sleepiness. Your rythmic slow-paced breaths, they reminded him of the sea.

However, he immediately felt bad for stealing your bed, he noticed the way you were curled up on the small couch, your back was probably going to kill you when you woke up.

So without any second thought, his left hand wrapped itself bellow your knees while his right one simultaneously enveloped your back. He gently lifted you up in his arms, your head lolling to the side until it met his shoulder, your temple resting next to his chest.

He wasn't going to lie to himself, he sometimes daydreamed about carrying you like this, how would it feel. Your sweet "thank you"'s echoed inside his head when he lifted your harmed form after a cruel battle, your arms hugging his neck.

A few minutes passed and he thanked his hard training for being able to hold you like this for a long while.

Your body shivered, right, you didn't seem to have a spare blanket other than the one in your bed. So he pressed his body closer to yours, trying to warm you up.

He knows he's already called you pretty and gorgerous over ten times now, but god, he needed to remark it. And right now you looked as cute as those cats you seemed to love, unconciously hiding your face on his chest with a long sigh.

He marched back into your room and he noticed that his buster sword was resting on the right wall of the living room, next to his boots.

The more he noticed those little details, the more he wanted to hold you close to him.

But when he finally reached your room after an agonizing ( purposely ) slow pace, it was time for you to properly rest.

So he placed you on top of your mattress, heart fluttering when he saw your little stretch on the bed. He enveloped your body with your blanket, mimicking your pleasured smile when he did so.

If only time could stop right now

He closed the curtains so the light didn't disturb your well deserved sleep like it did to him and then he sat down next to your bed.

Thankful for having a cure for his illnesses.