#especially because in Fantasy High there have been multiple cases of “other interpretations” that are just considered wrong

[adaines-furious-feast]

I'd love to see Kristen dealing with others having different perspectives on Cassandra as the religion grows. Not turning Cassandra into anything bad, but emphasising different elements. Doubt not being the most important factor to some people. Cassandra becoming a god of transition (from one religion to another? From one gender to another?). Cassandra being championed by university students as someone to guide them while they conduct research. How does Kristen cope when Cassandra is no longer tied to just her.

[ailuronymy]

do you think every disabled character in wc is handled poorly? i understand theres def some cases of ableism but at the same time when i hear ppl say that its usually bc the disabled cat wasnt able to become a warrior due to their disability. and i feel like ppl forget, that not everyone irl CAN do what they want after they become disabled. ex. someone wants to be an athlete, but their legs have to be amputated. a cat like briarlight esp i feel is p realistic and could be a source of comfort

Hello there, thank you for writing in. I’m going to reply to this question with a series of questions I think are a bit more useful, given what you’re trying to ask me. I hope that’ll clarify what is a deeply complex, multilayered issue. 

Do I think Erin Hunter handles anything in the series “well”? Not really. I don’t have a high opinion of the work of the collective and, broadly speaking, I think every right note they play, metaphorically speaking, is an instance of chance rather than effort, skill, or intention. Stopped clocks are right twice a day, mediocre writers will sometimes do something cool by accident, similar principle. That’s not to say Erin Hunter hasn’t ever done anything on purpose--just that overall the underlying drive of the series isn’t so much quality as it is quantity, and speed of production, and it shows. 

Do I think Erin Hunter puts any significant research into how they portray disability? No. I do not think it is a priority for this series. They’re not trying to make a meaningful work of literature, or capture a realistic experience of disability, or tell especially impactful or thoughtful stories, or even make a particularly good or coherent fantasy world. Warriors is a specifically commercial product that was commissioned by HarperCollins to appeal to a particular demographic of drama-loving, cat-loving kids. It’s not really trying to do anything but sell books, because it’s a business, so the text in many ways reflects that. They’re not going for disability representation, in my opinion. They’re including disability in many cases as a plot-point or an obstacle. 

Do I think this means that people can’t connect to these characters and narratives in meaningful ways? No. Often I say that a work is completed only when it is read. Before that point, it doesn’t have a meaning: a reader finishes the work through the act of reading, and interpretation, and filling in the spaces and resonance of the story with their own values and experiences. When people talk about subjectivity, this is what they are talking about. What this means in the context of disabled characters in Warriors is that these characters and their stories can be multiple, conflicting, even mutually exclusive things at the same time, to different people, for different reasons. 

Do I think characters have to be “good” to be significant to someone? No. I think genuinely “bad” (i.e., not researched or poorly researched, cliche, thoughtlessly written, problematic, etc. etc.) characters can be deeply meaningful, and often are. Ditto above: for many people, and especially marginalised or stigmatised people, reading is almost always an act of translation, wherein the person is reading against the creative work of the dominant culture in a way that the author likely didn’t intend or didn’t even imagine. There’s a long documented history of this in queer culture, but it’s true for just about everyone who is rarely (or unfairly) represented in media. Disabled people often have to read deeply imperfect works of fiction featuring disability and reinterpret them in the process--whether to relate to a kind of disability they don’t experience themselves but which is the closest they’re offered to something familiar, or to turn positive and meaningful what is intended as narrative punishment, or simply to create what’s commonly called headcanon about “non-disabled” characters who echo their personal experiences. 

Do I think everyone has to agree? Extremely no. As I said before, people will actually always disagree, because all people have different needs and different experiences. What can be interpreted as empowering to one person might be very othering and painful for another. There is no “right” answer, because, again, that is how subjectivity works. This is especially true because marginalised communities are often many different kinds of people with different lives and needs brought together over a trait or traits they share due to the need for solidarity as protection and power--but only in a broad sense. It’s why there is often intracommunity fighting over representation: there isn’t enough, there’s only scraps, and so each person’s personal interpretation can feel threatening to people whose needs are different. You can see examples of this especially when it comes to arguments over character sexuality: a queer female character might be interpreted as bisexual by bisexual people who relate to her and want her to be, while being interpreted as lesbian by lesbians who also relate to her and want her to be like them. Who is correct? Often these different interpretations based on different needs are presented as if one interpretation is theft from the other, when in fact the situation is indicative of the huge dearth of options for queer people. It becomes increasingly more intense when it comes to “canon” representations, because of the long history of having to read against the grain I mentioned above: there’s novelty and, for some people, validation in “canon” certainty. And again, all of this is also true for disabled people and other stigmatised groups. 

Do I think this is a problem? Not exactly. It is what it is. It is the expected effect of the circumstances. Enforced scarcity creates both the need for community organising and solidarity and the oppressive pressure to prioritise one’s self first and leave everyone else in the dust (or else it might happen to you). The system will always pit suppressed people against each other constantly, because it actively benefits from intracommunity fighting. Who needs enemies when you have friends like these, and so on. A solution is absolutely for everyone in community to hold space for these different needs and values, and to uplift and support despite these differences, but it’s not anyone’s fault for feeling threatened or upset when you don’t have much and feel like the thing that you do have is being taken away. It’s a normal, if not really helpful, human response. But until people learn and internalised that the media is multifaceted and able to be many things at once, without any of those things being untrue or impacting your truth of the text, then there will be fighting. 

Do I think my opinion on disability on Warriors is all that important? No, not really. I can relate to some characters in some moment through that translation, but my opinion on, say, Jayfeather is nowhere near as worthy of consideration than that of someone who is blind. I don’t have that experience and it’s not something I can bring meaningful thinking about, really. That’s true for all these characters. If you want to learn about disability, prioritise reading work about disabled rights and activism that is done by disabled people, and literary criticism from disabled people. And as I mentioned above, remember that community isn’t a monolith: it’s a survival tactic, that brings together many different people with disparate experiences of the world. So research widely. 

Finally--do I think there’s only one kind of disabled narrative worth telling? No. For some people, a disabled character achieving a specific, ability-focused dream is a good story. For other people, a story that acknowledges and deals with the realities, and limitations, of disability is a good story. The same person might want both of those stories at different times, depending on their mood. That’s okay. Sometimes there’s power and delight in a fantasy of overcoming seemingly impossible obstacles and defying all expectations. Sometimes there’s value and catharsis in a narrative that delves into the challenges and grief and oppression experienced because of disability. There’s no one truth. 

To round all this off, I’m going to give my favourite example of this, which is Cinderella. I think it’s a great and useful tool, since for many it’s familiar and it’s very simple. Not much happens. In the story, she is bullied and tormented, until a fairy godmother gifts her over several nights with the opportunity to go to a royal ball, where she dances with a prince. The prince eventually is able to find Cinderella, due to a shoe left behind, and they are married. In some versions, the family that mistreated her are killed. In others, they’re forgiven. 

Some people hate the story of Cinderella, because she is seen as passive. She tolerates the bullying and never fights back. She does every chore she’s told. She is given an opportunity by a fairy godmother, and she doesn’t help herself go to the ball. She runs from the prince and he does the work to find her again. Eventually, she’s married and the prince, presumably, keeps her in happiness and comfort for the rest of her life. 

For some, this story is infuriating, because Cinderella doesn’t “save herself”: she is largely saved by external forces. She is seen as a quintessential damsel-in-distress, and especially for people who have been bullied, infantalised, or made to feel less capable or weak, that can be a real point of personal pain and discomfort. 

However, for some others, Cinderella is a figure of strength, because she is able to endure such hostile environments and terrible people and never gives up her gentle nature or her hope. She never becomes cruel, or bitter. She is brave in daring to go outside her tiny, trapped world, and she is brave to let the prince find her. She doesn’t have to fight or struggle to earn her reward of happiness and prove her worth, because she was always deserving of love and kindness. The prince recognises at once, narratively speaking, her goodness and virtue, and stops at nothing to deliver her a better life. 

Depending on the version, the wicked family disfigure themselves for their own greed--or are punished, which for some is a revenge fantasy; or Cinderella forgives them and once again shows her tenacious kindness, which for others is a different revenge fantasy. 

The point? Cinderella is the same character in the same story, but these are almost unrecognisable readings when you put them side-by-side. Which one is right? Which one is better? In my opinion, those are the wrong questions. I hope this (long, sorry) reply is a set of more useful ones. 

[phoenixtakaramono]

Does Bing gē Have Descendants in ‘The Untold Tale?’

This topic has come up a few times since The Untold Tale takes place in the PIDW universe (post-Bingge vs Bingmei extra), I figured I might as well compile and archive my official answer here for me to refer my AO3 readers to in the future for convenience’s sake. I hope everyone doesn’t mind. :) I’m always happy to answer questions!

TL;DR

Q: Will we see Bing gē having fathered children with his harem of 600 or so wives in TUT?

A: For TUT, the answer is a definite “no.” There were a lot of factors which’d contributed to my decision. I’ll try to explain my reasoning down below.

Context

In PIDW, it is canon that Luo Binghe has a bountiful number of descendants with his harem of 600-or-so wives. It is a detail that has been mentioned even in ch1 of SVSSS and in ep1 of the donghua.

(SVSSS Excerpt - ch1)

(SVSSS donghua - ep1)

I like to plan things ahead of time. So from very early on, I knew this would be something I would have to decide on whether or not to address when I’d finally decided to expand TUT from just a prologue into a full-blown story. And after contemplating it, I decided against adding children into the story. It is because 1) it would make the situation more complicated, and 2) it would take TUT in a different direction that wouldn’t be fun for me to write.

I’m a very decisive writer, meaning when I make my mind up about something, chances are I won’t change my mind. This is because I would have already planned it into my plot outline, which means changing a decision would require me to change other details in the other chapters I have planned for that story. (I’m typically not a spontaneous writer; I try not to write spontaneously because when you’re a writer who rotates through multiple WIPs with different characters across different genres or writing styles, you inevitably have writer’s block because you probably won’t remember all the ideas or the direction you had whenever you return back to a different WIP. To reduce this shortcoming, it helps me personally to have a plot outline. This way I can return to any WIP, read my notes and then transcribe them into legible paragraphs, find a way to transition between the story beats I have to hit for that chapter, and then eventually post the final draft to AO3 when I feel it’s ready.)

Having made a decision, I knew I had to set it up in TUT and give a “reasonable explanation in-story.” Hence, in ch2, we see:

(Excerpt I - ch2)

Basically the set-up is TUT takes place post-Bingge vs Bingmei, but between “the third or fourth book” of the hypothetical PIDW webnovel series aka before Airplane wrote the fanservicey chapters where the luckier of LBH’s wives give birth to children during the harem drama plots and the children are probably rarely, if ever, mentioned again in the story as a lot of stallion novels tend to do.

(Excerpt II - ch2)

(Excerpt III - ch2)

Contrarian Tendencies

You know the saying: Monkey see, monkey do? In my case, it’s monkey see, monkey do not do.

A little fun fact about me as a writer: if I have already seen a fanfic where someone has already written a concept or idea into their story, chances are I will just avoid it entirely in my own stories. I don’t know why this aversion exists, but I’m assuming it’s because of my counterculture hipster inclinations and an intrinsic fear of plagiarism which has been beaten into all of our skulls since adolescence. There’s nothing wrong with being inspired by other people’s works. Technically everything’s been done before in writing so, as a writer, a good rule of thumb is to always try to give it your own unique spin on things. So for me, my brain somehow interpreted this a step further. This is a reason why I try to avoid reading stories from whichever fandom my WIP is from during the writing process of updating a fic, because this is how I get influenced. Once I see an idea or interpretation from another fanfiction, it influences me to not want to write it into my own. This is a very strong unconscious impulse for me. I guess this is just the neurons in my brain’s thinking that this way, it won’t be something my readers will have read before and the story idea will come across as different or fresh, and mine. In a way this is also how I show respect for fanfiction writers in the same fandom—by being inspired to not be inspired, ha. I like to think every story in the world serves a niche audience, so seeing a diverse range of originality and interpretations in a fandom is a good thing. This is also how I feel when I am able to identify certain popular tropes or depictions or patterns in a fandom; 99% of the time, it makes me feel a compulsion to “go against the grain” or write the opposite. For example, you have no idea how long it took me to come around the idea of incorporating the fanon “A-Yuan” into TUT. However cute it is, the moment it dominated the fandom (well, “dominated” is an exaggeration; it’s more like I’ve seen enough, especially in the Original LBH/ SY | SQQ tag), my gut reaction was to nope out of using it. But after seeing a lot of comments in my inbox with readers affectionately calling SY “A-Yuan,” I’d contemplated it for a long time and it wasn’t until ch4 that I decisively decided that yes, I can have Bing gē calling SY “A-Yuan” in TUT—but it has to be at the right moment for maximum dramatic and emotional impact. (See this thread that started it all. And this is the small sneak peek I wrote where LBH will call SY that for the first time.) <- This is the rare 1% where I actually conformed to what’s popular.

In this case, when I finally decided to expand the prologue into a full-blown story, coincidentally I had just recently read a good Binggeyuan (Bingyuan) fanfic which featured a kidnapped Shen Yuan interacting with Bing gē’s harem and LBH’s children/descendants. I’d liked their portrayal and even thought the children were cute. <- However, with me having reading this, the problem came up: I felt the familiar stubbornness in me rearing its head. So knowing myself, if I had included children, it is very likely the direction that I would have gone down for TUT would have been the opposite. To further complicate matters, you have to keep in mind the kind of writer I am. I tend to like grounding stories with a semblance of realism, no matter if the genre is pseudohistorical fantasy, romance, sci-fi, etc. And this writer has seen and read quite a few harem and palace intrigue Chinese dramas/ premises.

For further context, in those types of “historical” C-dramas^, in that sort of environment which fosters scheming, competition, jealousy, etc, it is almost expected to see heirs aka children aka descendants harmed along with the women. Innocent parties are often victims in these sorts of cutthroat premises, to underscore the underlying message the show or novel wishes to present. (See Ruyi’s Royal Love in the Palace. See Yanxi Palace. See The Legend of Haolan. See Nirvana in Fire. See The Rebirth of the Malicious Empress of Military Lineage. Etc.) And me being me, this would be the direction I would take. Remember, while TUT is meant to emulate a legitimate danmei C-novel reading experience in a fantasy world, I do drop pseudohistorical and cultural Easter eggs into the story. So trust me when I say you would not like the direction TUT would have gone down in, had I made LBH have children with his harem. I mean, theoretically yes, we could’ve seen endearing children characters from me, but you would have also seen me addressing a lot of the baggage that comes with (see Comment III Excerpt down below).

The situation with dissolving Bing gē’s harem is already complicated enough. As his romance with Shen Yuan develops, I didn’t want to have an additional headache thinking about how to address the issue of LBH having children already. Divorces in a pseudohistorical context is already a heavy topic—even more so when it’s divorces with children in the mix. Naturally I will still have SY and LBH eventually discuss the matter of legitimate heirs since LBH will essentially become the Sacred Ruler of all Three Realms and it’s a traditional precedent for an emperor to bed his empress, noble consort, and imperial concubines until he has his heirs (plural, because the rate of mortality was high in ancient China). In TUT’s case, at that point in the story SY will remind LBH that he’s essentially an immortal sovereign so there isn’t any need for an heir unless he wishes to retire. Furthermore, he will inform LBH that he could set a new precedent since he’s already different from the other emperors from history (with him being of half-Heavenly Demon and half-human cultivator lineage); as long as LBH is fully aware of all perspectives of the situation, he doesn’t necessarily need to conform to all traditions if this is something he really feels strongly about. But this future conversation(s) is likely the extent of it.

But wait, you say, what about a certain someone who’s going to be transmigrated as an imperial crown prince? Isn’t he going to be in that sort of vicious upbringing? <- Yes. But that’s an entirely seperate matter. In a way, since I’ve decided Bing gē will not have had any children or descendants in TUT, with Airplane, this now presents an opportunity for me to show the consequences of being one of the many children of an emperor with a harem of women vying for one man’s attention—and the power struggle that’d ensue in this kind of environment. It’s an interesting What-If parallel, if you think about it.

AO3 Comments

Although these are just small excerpts from replies I’ve written before, it’s nice and orderly to just compile them here for everyone since these will be buried underneath all the comments as TUT updates:

(Comment I- ch3)

(Comment II- ch4)

(Comment III- ch4)

Because of seeing comments that have asked me for my thoughts on whether or not I will include LBH’s children, I’ve had so much fun seeing theories thrown around: from LBH’s blood parasites being able to control conception, to someone’s headcanon about LBH being a hybrid and all that entails scientifically (think: mules). I will say in TUT, it’s more the former since in PIDW he’s supposed to have descendants; we’re pretending Bing gē doesn’t have any yet (and now definitely won’t, especially after having heard SY’s “prophecy”) because he subconsciously does not want children due to certain fears, trauma, etc. And his Heavenly Demon’s “blood parasites” (blood manipulation) is a convenient story device to explain why no wife has gotten pregnant yet.

I hope this explanation makes sense! Mainly I just wanted to have this archived on tumblr so that I have this post to refer to moving forward.

On a side note: especially since ch4 had been posted, quite a few people have actually mentioned they’ve read my replies to other comments and/or I have seen different people having hopped onto other readers’ comment threads (for example, imagine my pleasant surprise when I saw a reader you lovely person, you helpfully jumping in to respond to another reader’s questions about TUT, and their answers were actually aligned with what I would’ve answered!), so it’s always such a thrill whenever I see this level of engagement happening. I can’t explain why, but seeing this happening is just so cute to me. It really makes this writer feel so warm and fuzzy inside!

[geshertzarmeod]

Favorite Books of 2020

I wanted to put together a list! I read 74 new books this year, and I keep track of that on Goodreads - feel free to add or follow me if you want to see everything! I’m going to focus on the highlights, and the books that stuck with me personally in one way or another, in approximate order. Also, all but two of them (#5 and #7 on the honorable mention list) are queer/trans in some way. Links are to Goodreads, but if you’re looking to get the books, I suggest your library, the Libby app using your library, your local bookstore, or Bookshop.

The Faggots & Their Friends Between Revolutions by Larry Mitchell, illus. by Ned Asta (originally published 1977). I had a hard beginning of the year and was in a work environment where my queerness was just not welcomed or wanted. I read this in the middle of all of that, and it helped me so much. I took this book with me everywhere. I read it on planes. I read it on the bus, and on trains, and at shul. I showed it to friends... sometimes at shul, or professional development conferences. It healed my soul. Now I can’t find it and might get a new copy. When I reviewed it, in February, I wrote: “I think we all need this book right now, but I really needed this book right now. Wow. This book is magic, and brings back a sense of magic and beauty to my relationship with the world.” Also I bought my copy last July, in a gay bookstore on Castro St. in SF, and that in itself is just beautiful to me. (Here’s a post I made with some excerpts)

Once & Future duology, especially the sequel, Sword in the Stars, by A.R. Capetta and Cory McCarthy. Cis pansexual female King Arthur Ari Helix (she's the 42nd reincarnation and the first female one) in futuristic space with Arab ancestry (but like, from a planet where people from that area of earth migrated to because, futuristic space) works to end Future Evil Amazon.com Space Empire with her found family with a token straight cis man and token white person. Merlin is backwards-aging so he's a gay teenager with a crush and thousands of years of baggage. The book’s entire basis is found family, and it's got King Arthur in space. And the sequel hijacks the original myth and says “fuck you pop culture, it was whitewashed and straightwashed, there were queer and trans people of color and strong women there the whole time.” Which is like, my favorite thing to find in media, and a big part of why I love Xena so much. It’s like revisionist history to make it better except it’s actually probably true in ways. Anyway please read these books but also be prepared for an absolutely absurd and wild ride. Full disclosure though, I didn’t love the first book so much, it’s worth it for the sequel!

The Wicker King by K. Ancrum. This book hurt. It still hurts. But it was so good. It took me on a whole journey, and brought me to my destination just like it intended the whole time. The author’s note at the end made me cry! The sheer NEED from this book, the way the main relationship develops and shifts, and how you PERCEIVE the main relationship develops and shifts. I’m in awe of Ancrum’s writing. If you like your ships feral and needy and desperate and wanting and D/S vibes and lowkey super unhealthy but with the potential, with work, to become healthy and beautiful and right, read this book. This might be another one to check trigger warnings for though.

The Entirety of The Daevabad Trilogy by S.A. Chakraborty. I hadn’t heard of this series until this year, when a good friend recommended it to me. It filled the black hole in me left by Harry Potter. The political and mystical/fantasy world building is just *chef’s kiss* - the complexity! The morally grey, everyone’s-done-awful-things-but-some-people-are-still-trying-to-do-good tapestry! The ROMANCE oh my GOD the romance. If I’m absolutely fully invested in a heterosexual romance you know a book is good, but also this book had background (and then later less background) queer characters! And the DRAMA!!! The third book went in a direction that felt a little out of nowhere but honestly I loved the ride. I stayed up until 6am multiple times reading this series and I’d do it again.

An Unkindness of Ghosts by Rivers Solomon. I loved this book so much that it’s the only book I reviewed on my basically abandoned attempt at a book blog. This book is haunting, horrifying, disturbing, dark, but so, so good. The character's voices were so specific and clear, the relationships so clearly affected by circumstance and yet loving in the ways they could be. This is my favorite portrayal of gender maybe ever, it’s just... I don’t even have the words but I saw a post @audible-smiles​ made about it that’s been rattling in my head since. And, “you gender-malcontent. You otherling,” as tender pillow talk??? Be still my heart. Be ready, though, this book has all the triggers.. it’s a .

Felix Ever After by Kacen Callender. This book called me out on my perspective on love. Also, it made me cry a lot. And it has two different interesting well-written romance storylines. And a realistic coming-into-identity narrative about a Black trans demiboy. And a nuanced discussion of college plans and what one might do after college. And some big beautiful romcom moments. I wish I had it in high school. I’m so glad I have it now! (trigger warning for transphobia & outing, but the people responsible are held accountable by the end, always treated as not okay by the narrative, and the MC’s friends, and like... this is ownvoices and it’s GOOD.)

The Starless Sea by Erin Morgenstern. My Goodreads review says, “I have no idea what happened, and I loved it.” That’s not wrong, but to delve deeper, this book has an ethereal feeling that you get wrapped up in while reading. Nothing makes sense but that’s just as it should be. You’re hooked. It is so atmospheric, so meta, so fascinating. I’ve seen so many people say they interpreted this character or that part or the ending in all different ways and it all makes sense. And it’s all of this with a gay main character and romance and the central theme, the central pillar being a love of and devotion to stories. Of course I was going to love it.

Fierce Femmes and Notorious Liars: A Dangerous Trans Girl’s Confabulous Memoir by Kai Cheng Thom. “Because maybe what really matters isn’t whether something is true, or false. Maybe what matters is the story itself; what kinds of doors it opens, what kinds of dreams it brings.” This book was so good and paradigm shifting. It reminded me of #1 on this list in the way it turns real life experience and hard, tragic ones at that (in this case, of being a trans girl of color who leaves home and tries to make a life for herself in the city, with its violence), into a beautiful, haunting fable. Once upon a time.

I Wish You All the Best by Mason Deaver. I need to reread this book, as I read it during my most tranceful time of 2020 and didn’t write a review, so I forgot a lot. What I do remember is beautiful and important nonbinary representation, a really cute romance, an interesting parental and familial/sibling dynamic that was both heartbreaking and hopeful, and an on-page therapy storyline. Also Mason Deaver just left twitter but was an absolutely hilarious troll on it before leaving and I appreciate that (and they just published a Christmas novella that I have but haven’t read yet!)

The Truth Is by NoNieqa Ramos. It took a long time to trust this book but I’m so glad I did. It’s raw and real and full of grief and trauma (trigger warnings, that I remember, for grief, death (before beginning of book), and gun violence). The protagonist is flawed and gets to grow over the course of the book, and find her own place, and learn from the people around her, while they also learn to understand her and where she’s coming from. It’s got a gritty, harsh, and important portrayal of found family, messy queerness, and some breathtaking quotes. When I was 82% through this book I posted this update: “This book has addressed almost all of my initial hesitations, and managed to complicate itself beautifully.”

Anger is a Gift by Mark Oshiro.  I wasn’t actually in the best mental health place to read this book when I did (didn’t quite understand what it was) but it definitely reminded me of what there is to fight against and to fight for, and broke my heart, and nudged me a bit closer to hope. The naturally diverse cast of characters was one of the best parts of this book. The romance is so sweet and tender and then so painful. This book is important and well-written but read it with caution and trigger warnings - it’s about grief and trauma and racism and police brutality, but also about love and community.

The Prey of Gods by Nicky Drayden.  This is a sci-fi/fantasy/specfic mashup that takes place in near-future South Africa and has world-building myths with gods and demigoddesses and a trip to the world of the dead but also a genetically altered hallucinogenic drug that turns people into giant animals and a robot uprising and a political campaign and a transgender pop star and a m/m couple and all of them are connected. It’s bonkers. Like, so, so absolutely mind-breaking weird. And I loved it.

Crier’s War and Iron Heart by Nina Varela.  I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVED the amount of folktales they told each other with queer romances as integral to those stories, especially in Iron Heart. A conversation between the two leads where Crier says she wants to read Ayla like a book, and Ayla says she’s not a book, and Crier explains all the different ways she wants to know Ayla, like a person, and wants to deserve to know her like a person, made me weak. It lives in my head rent-free.

Queen’s Shadow by E.K. Johnston @ekjohnston . I listened to this book on Libby and then immediately listened to it at least one more time, maybe twice, before my borrow time ran out. I love Padmé, and just always wish that female Star Wars characters got more focus and attention and this book gave me that!! And queer handmaidens! And the implication that Sabé is in love with Padmé and that’s just something that will always be true and she will always be devoted and also will make her own life anyway. And the Star Wars audiobooks being recorded the way they are with background sounds and music means it feels like watching a really long detailed beautiful Star Wars movie just about Padmé and her handmaidens.

Sissy: A Coming of Gender Story by Jacob Tobia. I needed to read this. The way Tobia talks about their experience of gender within the contexts of college, college leadership, and career, hit home. I kept trying to highlight several pages in a row on my kindle so I could go back and read them after it got returned to the library (sadly it didn’t work - it cuts off highlights after a certain number of characters). The way they talk about TOKENISM they way they talk about the responsibilities of the interviewer when an interviewee holds marginalized identities especially when no one else in the room does!!! Ahhhh!!!

Bonds of Brass by Emily Skrutskie. Disclaimer for this one that the author was rightfully criticized for writing a Black main character as a white author (and how the story ended up playing into some fucked up stuff that I can’t really unpack without spoiling). But also, the author has been working to move forward knowing she can’t change the past, has donated her proceeds, and this book is really good? It has all the fanfic tropes, so much delicious tension, a totally unexpected plot twist that had me immediately rereading the book. This book was super fun and also kind of just really really good Star Wars fanfiction.

How To Be a Normal Person by T.J. Klune. This book was so sweet, and cute, and hopeful, and both ridiculous and so real. I had some trouble getting used to Gus’ voice and internal monologue, but I got into it and then loved every bit after. The ace rep is something I’ve never seen like this before (and have barely read any ace books but still this was so fleshed out and well rounded and not just like, ‘they’re obsessed with swords not sex’ - looking at you, Once & Future - and leaving it there.) This all felt like a slice of life and I feel like I learned about people while reading it. Some of the moments are so, so funny, some are vaguely devastating. I have been personally victimized by TJ Klune for how he ends this book (a joke, you will know once you read it) but it also reminds me of the end of the “You Are There” episode of Xena and we all know what the answer to that question was.... and I choose to believe the answer here was similar.

You Should See Me in a Crown by Leah Johnson. I wish I had this book when I was in high school. I honestly have complicated feelings about prom and haven’t really been seeking out contemporary YA so I was hesitant to read this but it was so good and so well-written, and had a lot of depth to it. The movie (and Broadway show) “The Prom” wants what this book has.

Plain Bad Heroines by Emily M. Danforth. I never read horror books, so this was a new thing for me. I loved the feeling of this book, the way I felt fully immersed. I loved how entirely queer it was. I was interested in the characters and the relationships, even though we didn’t have a full chance to go super deep into any one person but rather saw the connections between everyone and the way the stories matched up with each other. I just wanted a bit of a more satisfying ending.

Honorable Mention: reread in 2020 but read for the first time pre-2020

Red White & Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston. I couldn’t make this post without mentioning this book. It got me through this year. I love this book so much; I think of this book all the time. This book made me want to find love for myself. You’ve all heard about it enough but if you haven’t read this book what are you DOING.

In Other Lands by Sarah Rees Brennan @sarahreesbrennan​ . I reread this one over and over too, both as text and as an audiobook. I went for walks when I had lost my earbuds and had Elliott screaming about an elf brothel loudly playing and got weird looks from someone walking their dog. I love this book so much. It’s just so fun, and so healing to read a book reminiscent of all the fantasies I read as a kid, but with a bi main character and a deconstruction of patriarchy and making fun of the genre a bit. Also, idiots to lovers is a great trope and it’s definitely in this book.

Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Sáenz. This book is forever so important to me. I am always drawn in by how tenderly Sáenz portrays his characters. These boys. These boys and their parents. I love them. I love them so much. This is another one where I don’t even know what to say. I have more than 30 pages in my tag for this book. I have “arda” set as a keyboard shortcut on my phone and laptop to turn into the full title. This book saved my life.

Last Night I Sang to the Monster by Benjamin Alire Sáenz. This book hurts to read - it’s a story about trauma, about working through that trauma, healing enough to be ready to hold the worst memories, healing enough to move through the pain and start to make a life. It’s about found family and love and pain and I love it. It’s cathartic. And it’s a little bit quietly queer in a beautiful way, but that’s not the focus. Look up trigger warnings (they kind of are spoilery so I won’t say them here but if you have the potential to be triggered please look them up or ask me before reading)

Ella Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine.  When asked what my all time favorite book is, it’s usually this one. Gail Carson Levine has been doing live readings at 11am since the beginning of the pandemic shut down in the US, and the first book she read was Ella Enchanted. I’ve been slowly reading it to @mssarahpearl and am just so glad still that it has the ability to draw me in and calm me down and feels like home after all this time. This book is about agency. I love it.

Radio Silence by Alice Oseman @chronicintrovert . I’ve had this on my all-time-faves list since I read it a few years ago and ended up rereading it this year before sending a gift copy to a friend, so I could write little notes in it. It felt a little different reading it this time - as I get further away from being a teenager myself, the character voice this book is written in takes a little longer to get used to, but it’s so authentic and earnest and I love it. I absolutely adore this book about platonic love and found family and fandom and mental illness and abuse and ace identity and queerness and self-determination, especially around college and career choices. Ahhh. Thank you Alice Oseman!!!

Leia: Princess of Alderaan by Claudia Gray @claudiagray​ . I have this one on audible and reread it several times this year. I love the fleshing out of Leia’s story before the original trilogy, I love her having had a relationship before Han, and the way it would have affected her perspective. I also am intrigued by the way it analyses the choices the early rebellion had to make... I just, I love all the female focused new Star Wars content and the complexity being brought to the rebellion.

[utilitycaster]

Hello I am here to encourage you, please talk about fanfic culture and practices and relationship to canon all day long.

Thank you for encouraging my procrastination and love of hearing my own voice on the internet (also people who asked about expertise...I got you, that one is very near and dear to both my bard-player and DM heart and so I am using “hey, you can write this” as motivation to get some work done earlier today. Anyway, on fanfic and meta and them being different things: something that is almost entirely a matter of opinion but also I am right.

So just as background: I am a grown-ass adult, and despite having internet access from childhood (and, iirc, cable internet by the time I was in high school yes I do remember dial-up vividly) I just never really spent much time in fandom spaces until now, and similarly I didn’t read that much fanfiction so this does come with that perspective.

Anyway, the emphasis I see on fanfiction’s validity in some circles, the whole “um actually The Inferno/Paradise Lost are fanfic” attitudes just...never made sense to me? Like, are you enjoying writing it and reading it? Then why the fuck do you care if it’s valid literature in the eyes of, idk, society or whatever. It’s sort of like that super old tumblr post that’s like Potterheads grab your wands; why do you care if other people don’t like the things you like? Why do you want them in your spaces? So the question of whether fanfiction is Valid and Good Art is just null at that point. And thank fuck because people still argue that genre fiction isn’t literature sometimes, and instead of wasting your energy on that argument you could just read more fantasy and sci-fi novels.

(If I were to answer it anyway, which I am, as a person who is not a writer by trade in any capacity...fanfiction is a fantastic place to hone certain skills. You can skip past the worldbuilding and characterization - all the groundwork-laying and exposition - and focus on plot and dialogue and your general voice. It’s sort of the opposite of DM-ing, in that way, which is primarily worldbuilding and exposition. Original fiction is harder because you have to make people care about your characters and world, whereas in fanfic they already do, and denying that fact is silly; good professional writers who credit fanfiction still have to have good original ideas too. But fanfiction does require its own skills, and denying that is equally silly.)

One argument I recently saw was that fanfiction was literary criticism, instead, and that doesn’t sit quite right. Meta is literary criticism: it is an analysis of the work, supported by textual evidence of the work, but ultimately one interpretation.  It is possible to use fanfiction to explore the ideas of literary criticism-you can write out, essentially, the simulation of your theory-but it’s not limited to that. Fanfiction in my opinion should be generally supported by the text up to some divergence point (again, do what you want if you’re enjoying it but I do not understand the point of OOC fanfiction; you’re just taking the names of characters and plastering them on OCs, which, just write original fiction at that point) but it’s explicitly a place where you can explore things that did not and often will not happen. I’m usually not hugely into the fix-it fic in that I’m more interested in understanding why the creators took an unpopular turn, I have no taste for pretending that everything is fine when it’s not, and also, like, the finale of Battlestar Galactica still made me cry very hard even if it didn’t make much sense...but this is perhaps the best example of fanfiction reaching the potential I think it was intended to. It’s a place where you can play out a scenario that could have happened had things been a little different, whether it’s what you want to see but ultimately didn’t, or just an interesting idea you had.

Fanfiction also has other wish-fulfillment properties, namely, the emotional one. There’s a reason there are words for things like “fluff” or “hurt/comfort” or “angst”; sometimes you want these things in your fiction, and you want a character to which you relate to experience them. Again, it’s my personal taste that this be consistent with the narrative up to some divergence point, but I definitely enjoy things from these categories. This is also a strong argument against fanfiction as literary criticism, at least exclusively as such. Sometimes you write fanfiction to answer the question “What if this well-supported by canon, but as of yet unconfirmed fandom theory is correct?” Sometimes you write fanfiction to answer the question “What if we kissed in the fictional setting I like. What if that kiss happened after one of us knocked on the door of the other in the middle of the night, hand over a profusely bleeding wound in the lower abdomen, and collapsed shortly after the other opened the door, and this was neither in conflict with nor explicitly in support of the current canon.” And you know what, for all that I said validity doesn’t matter...that’s valid.

And I don’t want to say meta isn’t capable of being tied to some degree to wish fulfillment, because it is. There is (usually) textual support for multiple potential outcomes in a story because otherwise it would be very, very boring and linear and for toddlers (not a knock on toddlers, who are just doing their best with the cognitive development they’ve got); an opinion, in meta, is often stating the meta-writer’s preference of how the story may go. However, I think there is a point where the meta stops being “of the many potential textually-supported paths out there this is one I think the story will follow and also I like this” and turns into “this is what I want and I will cherry-pick the evidence I need even if it requires ignoring more recent developments or an understanding of such fourth wall concepts as author’s intent, narrative structure, etc.”

This comes up both for scenarios that go differently from how people want them (eg: death of a character, relationship not happening) and for the emotional wish fulfillment side of things (eg: injection of angst where it does not, textually, exist). And when that happens my attitude is almost always “why are you trying to make this meta when it’s fanfiction, especially since it could be pretty good fanfiction!” A really terrible fan theory or piece of meta can often make a really good fanfic story, because a theory is based in the reality of where the (fictional) story might go, whereas fanfiction allows for that divergence point.

Anyway I think trying to make fanfiction more valid and equating it to literary criticism, or worse, treating it as truer indicator of the story’s intent, in turn makes meta worse because it takes away that need for consistent textual support. Particularly in the case where fanfic is held as being a better indicator of the creator’s intent, which also throws actual canon into the mix, everything all blurs into a bland, dumb soup of “what I want is going to happen because it’s what I want and if it doesn’t the creator is wrong, and moreover, a bad person.” I think keeping these concepts separate while acknowledging the connections they have is good and makes for better everything - better theories and better fanfic. The meta that tends to make me roll my eyes isn’t the stuff arguing for an outcome I don’t want; it’s the stuff arguing for an outcome that doesn’t make narrative sense, the stuff that makes me go “man, you could have written a really good fanfic about this.”

[frankendeers]

Kylux and the Queer Literary Tradition

So, I have seen a lot of people talk about Kylux in terms of queer fetishisation or even labelling it a “crack ship”.

The discourse has somehow made Kylux out to be this straight-girl fantasy where two men are simply shipped because they are white and handsome. Such an unfavourable interpretation completely takes away from many Kyluxers being queer and/or poc themselves as well as shaming straight people for seeing queer potential where it’s not canonically stated to be. Since the comic came out, there has been much elation because it finally “confirms” some of the things that appeal to Kyluxers, therefore justifying the ship. I don’t think, however, that Kylux has ever been anything but rather conventional in its queer subtext. Kylux falls in line with a long tradition of homoerotic aggression between two men. I will try to put this into words as eloquently as I can.

First, let’s talk about how Kylo Ren/Ben Solo and Armitage Hux are queer coded on their own before moving on to their relationship.

Armitage Hux is almost comically queer coded. The act of feminising a villain to subtly convey to the audience that he is gay and therefore “morally reprehensible” has been a practice since the Hays code era (in some respects even before that -as the Victorian Age marks the beginning of our modern understanding of gender and subsequently, its subversion). He is seen to be physically weak, petty, moving and snarling and “bitching” in a way society would stereotypically ascribe to women.

His British Accent, at least from an American point of view, already marks his sexuality as ambiguous. This is not helped by the fact that he speaks in an abnormally posh way, alienating himself from the common people.Hereby, the movies draw a well-established line between decadence/queer and pragmatic/heteronormative.

In the “Aftermath” trilogy Brendol Hux states his son to be “weak willed” and “thin as a slip of paper and just as useless”, robbing him of his masculinity – no matter how ridiculous of an endeavour this is when talking about a four-year old boy. Hux is very early on criticised for not fitting into a socially expected form of manhood. This is especially evident when one compares him to his resistance rival, Poe Dameron. Now, Dameron has his own set of queer coding, but he is shown to be what is commonly viewed as “acceptably queer”. He is masculine, trained and proactive. When he ridicules Hux at the beginning of The Last Jedi, there is this juxtaposition of the helpless, feminine villain and the dashing, superior male hero. Hux is supposed to be judged as vain and arrogant while Poe takes risks and although reckless, is somehow to be admired. Further, Hux is constantly abused. He is thrown into walls letting out high pitched screams, runs away in the face of danger (as seen in the recent comic) and is pushed around by his own subordinates. His strength lies in being cunning and calculated, not stereotypically masculine virtues.

Hux’s destructive powers, his monstrosity so to speak, also follow a long-standing tradition of queer villainization. Harry Benshoff’s The Monster and The Homosexual articulates this as follows:

“[...] repressed by society, these socio-political and psychosexual Others are displaced (as in a nightmare) onto monstrous signifiers, in which form they return to wreak havoc […]” (Benshoff 65).

And what other, than a socio-political Other, is Armitage Hux - the Starkiller?

Kylo Ren/Ben Solo, too, is touched by the mark of queerness. It is no coincidence that despite his raw power and muscular physique, Kylo Ren has not been adopted by hegemonic masculinity in the same way Han Solo has, for example. When the logical is traditionally seen as masculine, the realms of pure and unfiltered emotionality is feminine. And Kylo Ren is unrestrained in his vulnerability, his tears, his pain – People make fun of the dramatic ways he gives words to his feelings precisely because it is regarded as weak, as whiny, as “womanly”. His long curly hair, full lips and dress-like costume only strengthens this impression. Kylo Ren is an amalgam of masculine aggression and feminine expressiveness. Some of his outbursts even remind of the pseudo-illness of hysteria. The gendered lines are blurred and unclear in Kylo Ren, diffusing any efforts to appease the binary. Benshoff describes this as a form of queer existence which does not only constitute itself in opposition to what is considered normal but “ultimately opposed the binary definitions and prescriptions of a patriarchal heterosexism” (Benshoff 63).

Both are not easily categorised. They are patched up by multiple, gendered signifyers. Kylo Ren’s masculine body in contrast to his femininized fashion. Hux’s slender body with his stiff and masculinised military get-up. Hux’s toxic tendency to avoid showing his emotions while also being shown as weak, womanly, cowardly. Kylo Ren is an excellent warrior, yet simultaneously being prone to emotional outbursts. Jeffrey Jerome Cohen’s famous work Monster Theory (Seven Theses) elaborates upon this further, while acknowledging that queer figures are most commonly depicted as the monstrous Other:

“The refusal to participate in the classificatory “order of things” is true of monsters generally: they are disturbing hybrids whose externally incoherent bodies resist attempts to include them in any systematic structuration.” (Cohen 6).

Nonetheless, many queer people feel empowered by these figures. Lee Edelman theorises in his polemic No Future: Queer Theory and the Death Drive about the nature of queerness as a force of cultural resistance. According to Edelman, the queer must always refuse societal expectations of a perpetual future and embrace the death drive instead. In this sense, queerness stands in direct opposition to futurity as it negates any meaning in sexual reproduction and marriage (cp. Edelman 13). When Hux destroys planets, when Kylo Ren proposes to burn it all down “The Empire, your Parents, the Resistance, the Sith, the Jedi”, they are not merely killing the past. They are also negating the worth of categories that make up future and present alike. They are resisting the heteronormative values of production.

Now that we have the puzzle pieces that illustrate how Hux and Kylo are queer figures in on themselves, it might be interesting to examine how they work together.

In her text “Epistemology of the Closet”, Eve Sedgwick talks about a common gothic trope where two men are caught in a feud full of mutual hatred. In this case, both men are mirror images of one another, making them especially vulnerable to the other’s advances: "[…] a male hero is in a close, usually murderous relation to another male figure, in some respects his 'double', to whom he seems to be mentally transparent."

Kylo and Hux are very clearly mirrors of one another. Aside from the gendered oppositions I have already illustrated, they are each other’s double in every sense of the word. Born on opposite ends of an age-old war. Both caught in complicated relationship with their fathers whom both have killed out of opposite motivations (loving them too much vs. hating them with a passion). They represent the opposite ends in the binaries for logic vs. spirituality, restraint vs. wildness, control vs. sensuality, technology vs. nature etc.

This shot from The Last Jedi shows both of them mirroring each other visually, henceforth strengthening this impression.

They are "mentally transparent" to each other, because they are different sides of the same coin which Snoke tossed around to his whims. Even their aggression takes on erotic forms. It is hard to deny the homoerotic implications in choking another men to make him submit, forcing him onto his knees. The breaching of personal spaces and looming over each other, the obsessive need to prove one’s own worth to the male other with which one is engaged in a homosocial bond:

“The projective mutual accusation of two mirror-image men, drawn together in a bond that renders desire indistinguishable from prédation, is the typifying gesture of paranoid knowledge.” (Sedgwick 100).

And through all of this, I have not even talked about the collaborative potential between the two of them. Their instinct to protect one another despite insiting the opposite. How both of them could overcome their trauma by engaging with the other, who suffered so similarly under family obligation and Snoke’s abuse.

Works Cited:

Benshoff, Harry: “The Monster and the Homosexual.” In: Harry Benshoff (ed. and introd.)/Sean Griffin (ed. and introd.): Queer Cinema, the Film Reader. New York: Routledge 2004. Pp. 63-74.

Cohen, Jeffrey Jerome. "Monster Culture (Seven Theses)." Jeffrey Jerome (ed. and preface) Cohen: Monster Theory: Reading Culture (1996): 3-25.

Edelman, Lee. No Future: Queer Theory and the Death Drive. ,2004. Print.

Sedgwick, Eve Kosofsky-Sedgwick. Epistemology Of the Closet. Berkeley, Calif. :University of California Press, 2008.

[sendmyresignation]

alright. writing this “little” piece to exorcise the demon inside of me that wants to expand my teenagers meta further than it needs to go (if you weren't aware I'm writing a post, well an essay, wellll a short paper, about why teenagers fits on the black parade- stay tuned) BUT i cannot stop thinking about the multiple little "rockstar to kill" moments within the song/music video/live performances so... I'm self-indulgently going to write about it :)

anyway, at its most simplified, teenagers is a song about the violence within adolescents and being an adult whose afraid of that capability. that is the basic, surface-level understanding of the song. inherently, with mcr specifically, that sets up a conflict between the narrator of the song and the song’s audience. that means conflict is generational- it duplicates itself over and and over which allows for several different understandings of the narrator’s perspective. the cyclical nature means they could be speaking to a representation of what they view as the fundamental corruption of the youth, both by outside focuses and their very human nature, as the narrator become more cynical in their old age. it could be representative of them talking to their past self, reminiscing on the revenge fantasies they had in high school or the ways they were made to feel like an outcast when they were young. and they also could be speaking directly to the very literal future about their concerns as a mentoring figure (teenagers, to me, functions in layers, its interpretation can shift and change depending on the context) right now we’re preoccupied with that last perspective both within the song and the video’s contextualization, and into this wider idea of what the band’s purpose was (or how they saw their purpose).

putting the rest under a read more out of respect <333

moving into the actual text with that in mind, what becomes significant is the tonal contrast between being the seemly scathing, sarcastic indictment of Dangerous Teenagers on the surface to the actual understanding (if we’re talking about the single on its own) which is moreso criticizing the Authority figures who create and mold this violence either purposely (cog in the murder machine) or with indifference (you’ll never fit in much/they’ll leave you alone/as well as the implication of having to take matters into your own hands because the adults are absent). As a result, the song, on its own, isn’t actually blaming teenagers for the violence they perpetuate, but the narrator attempts to extend their understanding and offer advice. here is a figure looking to bring catharsis without patronizing. like this is most clearly expressed in the use of “maybe they’ll leave you alone, but not me” at the end of the chorus, which in this reading means the other adults may leave you alone, the but I am stepping in to tell you that both self-directed and outward expressions of violence are bullshit and useless and that’s what everyone else is expecting of you so fucking stop it! (this can obviously be re-figured within the context of the album- because, interestingly, the pronouns are purposely confusing with the multiple uses of they in this section) the violence is never explicitly vilified by the speaker,- its exaggerated- what you have under your shirt won’t solve anything isn’t that obvious how ridiculous it sounds, how ridiculous I sound saying it out loud? but also, the violence is implicit. the conflict is still there. the teenagers still scare the shit out of the narrator. so what gives?

well. the song is still about the gulf between generations. the speaker is still afraid and out of touch, regardless of the leadership role they’ve assumed or the perspective of the past they can offer. there is ultimately a limit to how much they can give.

which leads us right into the music video.

So first things first, Black Parade as a whole is heavily inspired by Pink Floyd’s The Wall musically, but the actual aesthetics of the wall are kind of divorced from the ww1 cabaret weimar thing that parade is drenched in (bc britian circa the 1950s is boring and the wall is purposely very ugly and grey and removed from emotion which isn’t dramatic enough for what mcr had in mind). However, teenagers exists as a sort of connecting point between the two-  the music video of Another Brick in the Wall Part 2 (which you can watch here if you’ve never seen it) is clearly an influence on the subject matter and the setting and the “plot” of teenagers video- it serves as a sort of a parallel to it. more specifically, there are the “running shots” of kids making their way through unlit hallways into the auditorium that evoke the children in the pink floyd video marching through the school. there’s also the line “cog in the murder machine”, which seem particularly inspired from the depiction of children as going through machines and coming out the other side stiff, wooden, and obedient. then the backdrop of the large bomb centered in my chem’s stage show mimics the shot of the headmaster standing behind the large, lit up clock- especially since that where the teenagers in the crowd of mcr’s video all begin acting in unison, similar to the children in the wall all falling into line (but, like, just the use of ww2 era bomb imagery and gas masks in general is very reminiscent of the early wartime parts of the wall anyway). so in a vague sense, there is a huge connection between teenagers and that emulation and replication of the wall.

however, the most striking similarity is that, in the same way the students destroy their school in a moment of violent inspiration after sequences of disconcerting compliance, the group of high schoolers in teenagers do the same against the band. the difference is that in the case of the teenagers, the explosion is directed at the source of their outburst (they switch from the on-beat fist-punching to wild moshing as the song devolves and ray’s solo starts) instead of in opposition to a more institutional suppressive force. they are not motivated to action because of something done to them, instead it is the actual music itself that serves as both the impetus of conformity and the fuse that destroys that same unison action and then the band. and what’s significant is the particularity of the actions the crowd takes: they steal the band’s instruments from them and they bodily remove gerard from the microphone. like contrast this violence against the band vs the desolation row video where the whole band is physically incapacitated- there, its about knocking them around and getting them to stop (ray is beat down by police, bobs drums are destroyed, etc etc). but here, its about taking their places- the act of destruction is calculated but not purposely cruel. so, in teenagers being a parallel to Another Brick, that moment of turning on the band is the moment of violence but is also the moment of freedom. the difference in the two becomes the ways in which the band is responsible for reawakening the fire within the audience and giving them a purpose. which here is “killing the rockstar” by taking over, taking their places. and that is the nature of music and the nature of the conflict implicit to becoming the “rockstars”

it brings us right back around to that generational conflict: except when your talking about mcr’s realationship with their audience, that becomes the fostering of a group of outcasts and weirdos and freaks and giving them the tools to save themselves, yes. but also giving them the opportunity to do exactly what they did. to pick instruments and take their places. its the cyclical nature of creation and destruction “because when we get old and lazy some of you guys are gonna have to eat us alive by starting your own fucking band (x), that idea of needing a “rockstar to kill” has been refigured to mean something newer, positive. we are the ones killing them, but not in the way of typical martyring where a crowd of detractors and nonbelievers burns you at the stake- but instead by continuing the natural cycle of art, true genuine art. just as mcr is built off of so many influences- creating an entirely new project out of that existing landscape of sound that reaches people and gives them an outlet, we are doing the same things. by besmirching metal and punk by mixing them together, by “selling out” so they could put together a rock opera, by adding theater into a hyper masculine culture of nu-metal and post-hardcore, by making deeply emotional music that was still violent or angry, by writing the way they did they killed the bands they loved and made something better. its the the way in which the creative cycle is a rebirth, of scavenging the good things from the people who came before you and moving forward and taking the world by storm. here, in the video, the audience redirects their violence at the band, yes. but that is the point. teenagers still scare the shit out of the narrator, but that’s not going to stop them from reaching out, from speaking to them directly, from performing until their very last moments

until they take over. until they kill the rockstar. until we eat them alive.

in the end, that is the mission of my chemical romance, isn’t it- to inspire that level of passion, to turn the music into a life-raft and then gasoline and fire in your gut and then a sense of purpose and then into freedom and endless joy? and isn’t it the greatest act of love, the truest expression of admiration to tear them apart, build ourselves creations out of the wreckage to fill the space they leave behind, and then lay them to rest when the time has come?

[megaboy335]

Mega’s Top 2020 Anime

The year 2020 is finally coming to an end. It’s been an unusual year to say the least. Coronavirus more or less almost cancelled the entire spring anime season, which lead to a strange anime schedule for the rest of the year since delays have trickle down effects to what was in the pipeline. To be completely honest, this was not a good year for anime. I watched only a handful of very good shows, and the rest were mediocre at best. The top 5 shows I talk about here are definitely worth watching at least.

So with the introduction out of the way, lets get into this. As usual this list is just my opinions. Don’t take it too seriously.

1) Kaguya-sama Love is War? (Season 2)

The second season of Kaguya-sama took everything from season 1 and brought it up a level. The visual gags became more impressive, the voice acting was just as good, and the show is delivering sharper writing as we get deeper into the manga. 

Season 2 added two new notable aspects to the show. First, a new member to the main cast by the name of Iino. She adds a new angle to exploit for the skits as someone who adheres strictly to the rules. This often means Iino and Kaguya frequently bump heads. In fact how they interpret a situation can be entirely different, which creates numerous misunderstandings between them. Second, Kaguya-sama began expanding the skits into long form stories. There were a series of skits that form an arc spanning an entire episode, or in some cases multiple episodes. Episode 11 was the highlight of the season where Ishigami confronted his past to overcome the bad stigma surrounding his character. Additionally, the story added depth to his connection with Shirogane while making us realize there was more to Ishigami than meets the eye. Kaguya and Shirogane also both became a little closer as the tangled web of their schemes yielded unexpected results at times.

Kaguya-Sama has an ova and season 3 planned. I eagerly look forward to seeing what new crazy situations the characters find themselves in. 

2) A Certain Scientific Railgun T (Season 3)

After waiting 6 years since the conclusion of season 2, the Railgun anime finally returned to adapt two more arcs from the manga. 

The first half was a Railgun version of the Daissheisai Festival arc. This version focuses on a completely different event in the arc with a story involving Misaki, Misaka, and Dolly. It pulls us deeper into the story threads established in the Level Upper and Sisters arc of what the scientists were doing out of the public eye. We meet the original Misaka clone and how Misaki came to meet her which adds a new layer to the current Misaka and Misaki relationship that we never knew. We see how Misaki is also a victim of the dark experiments occurring behind the scenes in Academy City. The experiment to turn Misaka into a level 6 was a very hype moment. Railgun’s Daissheisai Festival arc definiely hit all the right notes.

The second half of Railgun season 3 was the Dream Ranker arc. Like in previous seasons, I found the 2nd cour arc to be weaker than the first half. Indian Poker is a fun concept, but didn’t cleanly tie into the overall story. I also found it weird how special cards that can exchange dreams suddenly exist out of nowhere. Additionally, this arc brought it characters from the Accelerator spin-off which I wasn’t familiar with. It had a few cool and funny moments scattered throughout. The final fight at least brought the conflict to a satisfying conclusion. The only thing holding back Railgun for me like always is my lack of knowledge of the greater Raildex universe. Hopefully this won’t be the last we see of Railgun in animated form because I picked up the manga and the next arc is pretty neat.

3) The Journey of Elaina

The Journey of Elania is an anthology-centric anime where we follow Elania on her adventures. The first episode is a prologue to how she became a witch and the origins of her ambitions. Episode 2-onwards follow a fairly straightforward template of Elania arriving at a new location. She notices something isn’t quite right or learns about something from a local. As the story unfolds, Elania often takes a backseat role and opts to watch things playout. An anime of this style always brings a mixed bag to the table with the kind of stories that are told within the universe. Each episode/adventure is only loosely connected through the main character Elania traveling to a new location, but otherwise they are mostly independent besides a handful of recurring characters. 

Naturally this format means there are both great and not so good episodes. There are bitter sweet tales, comedic, and even a few darker entries mixed within this show. In particular, there were a few standout episodes that cemented this show as something worth watching. Episode 7 was a comedy episode split into two halves. One half showed how two towns divided by a wall were ironically doing the same thing to the wall on each side. The second half recalled how Elania accidentally started a grape stomping tradition in a tiny village. Then there was episode 9, the darkest entry of the show so far, when Elania went back in time to help someone save their childhood friend. However, this person came to realize she hardly knew what her childhood friend was really like. Lastly, the last episode was unexpectedly deep where Elania met various alternate versions of herself and had to confront a dark version spawn from the events in episode 8. It showed how her journey can take all sorts of directions if events had transpired even a little differently.  

A high part of the appeal to me was never knowing what kind of story we would get each week. Was it going to be light-hearted? Serious? Would it focus on Elania or not? Her adventures were certainly full of unexpected happenings. The light novels are 17 volumes in and still going. I wouldn’t mind seeing more if they ever wanted to make another season.

4) Tonikaku Kawaii

From the prolific author Kenjiro Hata comes an anime adaptation of his newest work under the “Crunchyroll Originals” label. The story is simply about a guy who is head over heels for his new wife and can’t get over how awesome it is living with her. Tonikaku Kawaii is a simple show that chooses to highlight the little moments between our main couple Nasa and Tsukasa. We go through all sorts of everyday events with them such as the act of buying a ring, a new television, bedding, and meeting each other’s family. All the characters are so earnest you can’t help but enjoy their silly banter. There is little to no drama here to drive the story forward. You just get to enjoy a newlywed couple discovering new things about each other as they go through everyday life.

However, at the end of the day Tonikaku Kawaii is far from complete and is honestly the type of show that likely wouldn’t make my list most years. It hardly scratched its overarching story during the 1 cour run. The thing that put it over the top for me was simply how likable each of its characters were. They all present their emotions like an open book and you come to enjoy the little quirks of each one. I was slightly confused at how this show became a “Crunchyroll Original” when anything by Hata would have probably gotten an anime sooner or later. There are plenty of other Weekly Shonen Sunday series that could really use an outside force to help them get animated. I can only hope it did well enough for Crunchyroll to consider investing into more from the magazine .

 5) Ahiru no Sora

As usual, my list usually contains at least 1 show that began in the previous year. Ahiru no Sora is an anime that not a lot of people watched, but became one of my favorites each week. This is a 4 cour basketball series about a main character named Sora who is too short for basketball. Despite this set-back, he has a deep passion for the game imparted from his mother and wishes to someday find the same success as she did at the sport. The story begins when he enrolls in a new school and has to build the basketball club from scratch. However, the catch is the basketball team is basically non-existent. He ends up creating a team from a group of unlikely people: the ones who were bullying him. Ahiru no Sora presents a down to earth human side to the sport. There are no fantasy or supernatural elements found in this story. It follows a group of rough around the edges guys whose lives gets back in order through playing basketball together.

All of the main characters go through a decent amount of growth as their personal stories are explored, and Sora especially is taken through a series of events that allow his character to grow more than anyone. I was pleasantly surprised at how emotional it got at times. There was some real heart put into this series. In the middle of the show it genuinely felt the team had hit rock bottom. They lost a major game, the club room was lit on fire, and Sora lost his mother all right in a row. It was the recovery from that period and how each member matured from their experiences that solidified Ahiru no Sora as one of the top shows this year. The only thing holding back the show is that it's left incomplete since the manga is on-going (and actually on hiatus at the moment). I hope there will be an opportunity down the road to have more episodes.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Disappointments of 2020

1) Deca Dence

I enjoyed Death Parade, Mob Psycho 100, and Detective Conan: Zero the Enforcer was pretty good too. So I figured another original anime from Tachikawa Yuzuru would be something I would like, and yet Deca Dence barely resonated with me. I could never wrap my mind around the setting of the show where robots would enter an alternate world called “Deca Dence” for sport or how these robots had a human persona in the game. The humans were effectively NPCs in the game to the eyes of the robots. The show no doubt had a story it wanted to tell, and it certainly went through the plot beats it wanted to hit, yet I could never get invested in the show. I’m still looking forward to whatever Tachikawa Yuzuru does next. I’ll just consider this as something was not for me.

2) The Day I Became God

This show marks Jun Meada’s 3rd anime original project with P.A. Works. I understand that Angel Beats and Charlotte are flawed shows, but that did not stop them from being enjoyable for me. This unfortunately did not apply to The Day I Became God. At a base level it has many of the usual troupes you would expect from a Jun Meada title: the humor, baseball, an emotionally driven story. The place where this shows failed hard was having no backbone to back up the story it was trying to present. I enjoyed the comedy in the early episodes quite a bit and was somewhat intrigued by a subplot in the background that was slowly creeping up on the main plot. Ending each episode on a countdown to the end of the world helped to keep a looming sense of unease during the early part of the show.

Then in typical Jun Meada fashion, the plot of the show hit all at once. Episode 9 was the big climax where the subplot and main plot collided to send the show into its “true” storyline. The hacker kid who uncovered everything about Hina in the early part was poorly utilized and underdeveloped. So when he joins our main group in episode 10 for a short period of time, his presence makes very little sense. I can only describe that part as a 10 hour VN plot condensed into 10 minutes. The male lead Narukami has almost no personal stake in the story. Hina is hilarious in the comedy episodes, but lacks any sufficient character arc built up to carry her into the final section. Jun Meada is trying to sell this as a love story between Narukami and Hina, but I just don’t see it. Narukami spent at least half the summer trying to wow his childhood friend only to suddenly change at the last minute. It felt so haphazardly put together.

The Day I Became God is an extremely bare bones Jun Meada story. It goes through the motions of similar elements to his previous works, but comes out feeling emotionally hollow. While Angel Beats and Charlotte also felt rushed in the grand scheme, I can at least say he got the emotional aspect right. This will be remembered as one of, if not Jun Meada’s weakest title.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Top OPs/EDs of the Year

1) Jujutsu Kaisen Opening 1 - The song is great, but it’s the visuals that really sell this opening. Each shot is brilliantly connected to showcase how everything in the world of Jujutsu Kaisen is layered. There is far more than what meets in the eye in our surroundings. Curses and humans co-mingle more than you might think.

2) A Certain Scientific Railgun T Opening 1 - There still hasn’t been a bad Railgun opening yet. Flipside once again delivers a song that once again never failed gets me in the mood for the episode each week. The visuals highlight some of the best action moments in the arc too.

3) Black Clover Opening 10 - Unlike the other songs on the list this year, this a slower somber song. It always makes me think of Nero’s backstory and how the story was leading up to the fight versus the devil. The black and white aesthetic with rain conveys how everything is laid bare for this major story climax.

4) Kaguya-Sama Love is War? Opening - Just like how this season is more character focused, the opening animation is basically a 90 second skit. It never fails to get to get me in the mindset for the hijinks that are ahead in the episode. The song itself is also a great follow up to the previous opening.

5) Rent-a-Girlfriend Opening - It’s a colorful opening that highlights the best aspects of each character. It completely conveys what the show is about with some nice music. I love how fun and upbeat this opening is. It definitely helped to set the tone for the episodes each week.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

....and so, that brings 2020 to a close. The North American anime scene is shifting once again with Sony buying out Crunchyroll. Hopefully the result of the merger keeps Crunchyroll as an entity alive. I’ll be curious to see how everything shakes out. In the coming year I am most looking forward to Chainsaw Man’s anime. The manga is quite an experience and anime viewers will be spinning their heads over learning how such a series was published in Weekly Shonen Jump. I think it has a good chance of being one of the most talked about shows in the new year.

Lets hope 2021 is a good one.

[ptsdsafe]

On “Small”, Mao Mao’s Abuse, and Shin Mao’s Redemption: A Mini-Essay by an Abuse Victim

As I’m sure you guys know, based on one of my first posts here being about it, Mao Mao: Heroes of Pure Heart is a very important to me, because of the main character being an accurate representation of PTSD in a children’s show. Today, on the Cartoon Network app, new episodes were released, including ‘Small’. ‘Small’s description revealed last month that it would be about Mao Mao’s neglectful and abusive father, Shin Mao, would be paying Mao Mao a visit. I, like most people, was excited for this episode. My expectations were perhaps a bit higher than usual, because of how well Mao Mao was portrayed up to this point. However, all of my high expectations were met!

 On top of Mao Mao snapping and publically calling out his father on his behavior…

We also got a more emotional confrontation near the end of the episode, showing the audience, in a more obvious way than previously, how Mao Mao’s childhood neglect affected him.

I was confident by this point. I was no longer worried. But, it was at this point that Mao Mao: Heroes of Pure Heart, a show I had high expectations for in the portrayal of trauma, broke the most bare-bones rules that I have. That I even expect out of really awful shows.

Shin Mao; Mao Mao’s abusive father who gave him PTSD; got redeemed. Or at the very least, his redemption ark was started.

(Explanation about why this is harmful and further thoughts under the cut)

I’ve made a previous post about Mao Mao’s symptoms of PTSD, and it’s fairly obvious to anybody watching the show that Mao Mao’s father was neglectful, or, at the very least, emotionally neglectful. This is shown not only by his actions in ‘Small’, but also through other character’s actions. Badgerclops knows Mao Mao’s family doesn’t love him, as seen in episode 1 when he said, “Are you having that fantasy where your family loves and respects you and also you’re super buff?” Mao Mao also admits to feeling unloved in Popularity Conquest, saying about his temporary popularity, “But, it was nice to be loved.” In the only time we’ve really see Shin Mao outside of ‘Small’; Mao Mao’s flashbacks; he is shown ignoring Mao Mao to the point of making him cry. Emotional neglect is just as potentially damaging as any other method of abuse, and can also be considered a form of emotional abuse. Again, if you watch the show, you know how obvious all of this is.

 And I cannot overstate how dangerous it is to redeem an abusive parent on a show for children.

 This show is on Cartoon Network. It is rated for children 7 years old and over. Children with abusive parents can (and, if over one hundred kids are watching it, I can be almost certain at least one if watching, given that the statistic that I was taught in school for child abuse was one in one hundred) watch this show. And, if the abusive father in the show can be portrayed as ‘not that bad’ after shedding a few tears and saying a kind thing to the kid he abused, than maybe their parents who act similar to him are not that bad, too, if they do the same thing!

 And, given that one of the four steps in the cycle of abuse is literally dedicated to the abuser victim-blaming, gaslighting, apologizing to and, yes, maybe crying or saying kind things to the victim, I’m sure you can understand why this is a terrible message to be sending children.

 In fact, this trend of redeeming abusive individuals is overall incredibly harmful. Somebody who abuses somebody else doesn’t deserve to be given the benefit of the doubt. Somebody who gives their child PTSD doesn’t deserve the ‘they’re not that bad’ treatment. Abusers, especially people who abused their children, don’t deserve redemption. And saying that they do, in a children’s show, potentially puts children of abusive parents in more danger, by saying that parents similar to theirs can be good people if you just are patient with them.

 This is a mistake Steven Universe made in redeeming Jasper. This is a mistake that She-Ra may be setting itself up to make, with Hordak and Shadow Weaver. This is a mistake Pokemon made in Sun and Moon, with Lusamine. This is a mistake that media for children is making over and over again, and it seems like it’s been made yet again.

 There is just a little hope for this particular series, though. Mao Mao: Heroes of Pureheart’s creator had this to say on the subject of Shin Mao:

(Transcription: An ask reads, “ Asking out of genuine desire to learn - and not to provoke you - what exactly is your objective for the handling of Shin Mao? I've already seen some aggravation from people dissatisfied with how his debut episode wrapped up, and though I've never been in a similar situation myself, I'm a little concerned about where Shin and Mao Mao's arc will take them, given how badly Shin's affected Mao Mao already. I'm very much looking forward to seeing more of your work regardless, so best of luck to you.” The response reads: “All I gotta say is watch the show, and don’t get ahead of yourselves. There’s a lot of meat on this bone, and we’re not going to solve an entire lifelong relationship in 11 minutes. That’d be nuts.”)

This can be interpreted in two ways. Either ‘Shin Mao’s redemption will span over multiple episodes’ (in which case, I may have to stop watching altogether, because I don’t particularly feel like seeing an abusive father be portrayed as sympathetic over and over again), or, ‘Shin Mao is not getting redeemed at all, and this episode was a fake-out, and a set up for a plot twist.’

 Here’s to hoping it’s the second one. Because, as a victim of child abuse, I’m so sick of seeing shows (particularly, shows made for children) redeem abusers; people just like the person who traumatized me, characters who have traumatized other characters, before it’s all swept under the rug. Abuse victims have been open and loud about hating this harmful trope, and I hope that this show will be one of the first to listen. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

[lesbiansforboromir]

Forgive me if this is a stupid q, but is there canon evidence of homophobia in middle earth?

Not stupid in the slightest! This is a rather complex topic and has quite a lot of nuance to it in my opinion. 

So for starters, if you’re looking for instances of violence/discrimination towards same sex couples for being as they are, no. But that’s because there are no same sex couples in any clearly defined and undeniable context. 

Really the evidence for homophobia in middle earth is the unavoidable heteronormativity that’s baked into not only the racial cultures, but also the myths and gods of the realm. All the Valar are husband and wife couples and have gender. Man/Woman themes and gendered definitions are rife throughout the texts. So much so that I’ve been told numerous times by numerous people that ‘gay people dont exist in middle earth’ which I think is kinda telling as to the whole thing. Tolkien was never going to write this stuff out clearly, but their forceful absence says enough. And that tends to be what historical texts do right? Especially ones written by current-time historians, and Aelfwine’s writings have in-universe come to us through multiple this-earth-transcribers.

Specifically there’s LaCE, which says elves are expected to only marry and have sex to produce babies with a single monogamous different-sex partner. This is offered almost as a law, something unquestionable. There’s also a portion of writing where Tolkien states that ‘no elves are reborn or born into the wrong gender of body’ or something to that effect, which could be about trans-ness, or some kind of ‘a gay man is just a man with a woman’s brain’ sort of assumption on his part. We’ve no way to tell.

So calaquendi elves, at least, deny the existence of queer elves at all, which is an opinion that seems to have been at least enforced by the Valar, which I mentioned in a kinda humourous post a while ago. (And as a brief addendum there’s a prevalent theme in fanfic where elves are morally superior to men in every way, including lgbt rights, and it always makes me pretty uncomfortable but also is just something I generally dislike since all evidence points to the contrary.) But the point is elves do tend to influence edain civilisations a great deal, men often taking their customs and languages as their own and so forth. So it’s fair to assume that their opinions on this also were disseminated down through edain cultures somehow. 

I’ve gone beyond the purview of this question but I have a great deal to say about this because as soon as you get to talking about Edain customs it gets more exciting. Differences in culture for elves is more focused on distance and seperation than time, since thinkers of one age might still be around and thinking the same thing in the next. 

But the edain have change built into their lives, nothing stays the same. So opinions on things like this grow and shift and change. Theres a great deal of inputs to the whys and hows a topic like this might go up and down in popularity, but the easiest one for us to zone in on is how much contact and respect the men of any civilisation have with calaquendi or their exiles at any one time. The more the edain try to mimic the eldar, the less tolerant to queerness they are. So, taking my Earnur post as an example, Gondor’s Kings were extremely elf-positive. I presume this went up and down, but in general their opinions on the elves (and Valar, importantly) was high. I also would add that I think the heretics of Numenor would have had a KIND of... lgbt tolerance, at least in some respects, which allowed the ‘faithful’ who founded Gondor to hammer down on it as a heretical ideology. Hence the elvishness and homophobia is somewhat ‘baked in’. 

But still! Gondor’s 3000 years old, it’s had a lot of time to change it’s mind and I think it’s done that. A lot! Like we have! Movements come and go, some kings mellow laws created by their predecessors, some reinforce them. And then the Stewards arrive and they can no longer actually change a King’s royal decree so it is then upon them to decide if they will take the great risk of ignoring it. It’s a low level running debate that people sometimes like to pretend isn’t there until it suddenly rises to the fore once again. In fact I would say that the end of the third age is a period of relative tolerance for the gays, the number serving in the military is a kind of open secret to many, Gondor just doesn’t have the numbers to police bars and hangouts, and everyone’s pretty pissed off at the elves and valar anyway. Maybe the Heretices WERE onto something!

Now I’ve gone on for... a very long time about this and I seem to be laying out my ideas as the only possible version but that’s absolutely not the case. I fully and heartily forget all of this for someone else’s interpretation. Perhaps you just ignore LaCE and the other themes, which I actually encourage people to do if they wish too. Or perhaps you go into them and say that this all has a different more subtle meaning than how it first appears. I love it when people do that, and I do completely empathise with the want to just not have to deal with homophobia in your fantasy like I do get, respect and will fight for that. I feel it sometimes too, like a kick in the gut.

But this more blunt interpretation is the one I prefer and I’ll be self indulgent for a moment and explain why. So the question is ‘what evidence is there for homophobia in middle earth’. But like.... Would you be able to recognise a world that didn’t have any homophobia in it? Like even if we presume Gondor to have current Britain-style lgbt politics, the closet is still a great deal safer than being out, it’s still a significant impact on your life to be Gay, it’s never ‘not a big deal’. And Gondor does have some clearly defined gendered customs. Women aren’t Queens or Stewards. Women don’t serve in the military (openly). Eowyn’s unusual even in her own culture but Imrahil’s positively shocked to see her at the battle. 

And the idea of a culture where being gay is ‘no big deal’ but that still upholds gender discrimination, when those two things (and a whole raft of other issues) are so inherently connected in a way that would be impossible to pick apart, just rings very hollow to me. You’re just kind of getting rid of gay culture and community, but not giving us much in return, if that makes sense? Gay culture is very important to all queer people, it’s our history, we take joy in it, but it was created because we don’t fit into the mainstream. So I suppose what I’m doing is creating a Gondorian gay community and history because I don’t fit into it’s mainstream at all either. There’s also an element of just pure catharsis I get with being able to ramble about all this eNDlessly. To be clear! This is all my personal preference for my personal reasons!

[judesowndaughter]

Roleplaying Profile Meme

PLEASE REPOST, DO NOT REBLOG! Feel free to add to any of your answers!  The purpose is to tell your partners about the way you write!  For the multiple-choice ones, BOLD all that apply and, if you want, italicize if it’s a conditional answer!

– B A S I C S –

NAME : Les

ARE YOU OVER 18? Yes / No

IS YOUR MUSE? Yes / No

ARE YOU SELECTIVE ABOUT WHO YOU WRITE WITH ON THIS BLOG? No (anyone) /Semi / Yes / Highly / Private

ARE YOU SELECTIVE ABOUT WHO YOU FOLLOW ON THIS BLOG? No (anyone) / Semi / Yes / Highly 

IF YOUR MUSE IS CANON, HOW MUCH TO YOU ADHERE TO CANON? Not at all / A little / Somewhat / Mostly / Strictly / (OC) (I like to adhere to specific bits of canon with regards to the basic outline of Kate’s backstory, and her personality, but other than that? Kate is very headcanon-heavy. So it goes for minor characters.)

WHAT POST LENGTHS DO YOU WRITE? One Liners / Single-Para / Multi-Para / Novella (My words usually get ahead of me lmao.)

DO YOU USE ICONS AND/OR GIFS? No / Gifs / Icons / Gifcons (I oftentimes go iconless.)

DO YOU WRITE ON OTHER PLATFORMS? No / Yes (-ish. Discord and Wire, yes. Nowhere else, though.)

WHAT LEVEL OF PLOTS DO YOU WRITE? Unplotted  / Open-Ended Plots / Semi-Plotted / Fully Plotted Epics (It’s highly variable, and while I am capable of improvising, I do prefer to plot stuff out.)

HOW QUICKLY DO YOU USUALLY RESPOND TO THREADS? Very Slow / Slow (4-6 Weeks) / Average (1-4 Weeks) / Fast (Less Than One Week) / Very Fast (Less Than One Day) (Largely dependent on my energy levels and schedule. The situation varies........so much.)

WHAT TYPES OF THEMES DO YOU LIKE? (feel free to add!) Fluff / Angst / Smut / Action / Tragedy / Domestic / Family / Conversational / Hurt-Comfort / Dark / Violence (No preference, really! Less focused on action, though, because Kate just isn’t very...action-y? Smut is also very rare for both personal and in-character reasons.) 

WHAT GENRES DO YOU LIKE? (feel free to add!) High Fantasy / Supernatural / Science Fiction / Historical / Horror / Comedy / Romance / Drama / Action / Adventure / Espionage / Everything

ARE THERE ANY THEMES YOU’RE UNCOMFORTABLE WRITING ON YOUR BLOG? No / Yes (I have a list of things that I absolutely will not write, as described in my rules page. Although I do not shy away from heavy topics, I would prefer to discuss replies/threads beforehand if they cover certain themes. I want to ensure that I write heavy/sensitive subjects with care.)

DO YOU HAVE ANY TRIGGERS?  HOW DO YOU REQUEST IT TAGGED? No / Yes (I have at least one trigger, but the latter is so incredibly hyper-specific that I have yet to see it discussed/broached in public or private. So...yes? But I don’t need anything tagged.)

– S H I P P I N G –

WHAT TYPES OF RELATIONSHIPS ARE YOU OPEN TO? Romantic / Platonic / Familial / Physical / Sexual (I am always a sucker for brotps and friendships...LOVE writing platonic bonding)

WHAT TYPES OF PRE-ESTABLISHED RELATIONSHIPS ARE YOU OPEN TO? Romantic / Platonic / Familial / Physical / Sexual (All of them...?)

DO YOU HAVE OTPS? No / Chemistry only / Yes (Discussing a ship is generally a must.)

DO YOU HAVE NOTPS? No / Yes / I don’t know yet  (Obvious NOTPs are ships featuring Kate with much older adults and any of her teachers---especially Jefferson---but also my specific interpretation of Kate with any men, as I headcanon that she is a lesbian. Please note that this is not to ship-shame anyone who headcanons Kate as bi, pan, or straight. This solely applies to my version of the character.)

WHAT IS YOUR MUSE’S SEXUAL ORIENTATION? -

Heterosexual / Heteroflexible / Bisexual / Homoflexible / Homosexual / Pansexual / Demisexual / Sapiosexual / Asexual / Questioning

ARE YOU COMFORTABLE WRITING SMUT? No / Selectively (ships only) / Yes (Smut with Kate takes...a lot. She has body image issues, internalized homophobia, and a whole lot of trauma. Suffice to say that one-night stands just aren’t a thing for her, nor will they ever be. If we do write smut, I prefer that our characters are in a ship and have been in a relationship for some time.)

HOW EARLY IN A RELATIONSHIP DO YOU SHIP ROMANTICALLY? Autoship / During Plotting / After A Couple IC Interactions / Several IC Interactions / Slow Burn / Depends on partner & muse

ARE YOU OPEN TO TOXIC SHIPS? No / Selectively (platonic-only) / Yes (I know I put her through the wringer, but I just want Kate to be happy, man. Toxic romantic ships are just too much. Platonic / Friendship / Familial is a whole ‘nother ballgame, though. I will say that if we do pursue a toxic ship, there absolutely needs to be discussion beforehand.)

ARE YOU OPEN TO PROBLEMATIC SHIPS? (canon history, age difference, complicated, etc.) No / Selectively / Yes (Not down with age difference, but complex reasons and/or canon history are perfectly valid options when it comes to exploring problematic ships. Case in point: I am willing to write C.hasemarsh---and all of the messy context/history included---but only if the person and I plot it out together.)

ARE YOU OPEN TO POLYSHIPPING? No / Selectively / Yes (Personally, no. Muse-wise, Kate is mono, so she is not interested in a polyship.)

ARE YOU AN EXCLUSIVE SHIPPER? No / Sometimes / Yes

DOES CRACK SHIPPING EVER HAPPEN? No / Sometimes / Yes

DOES CROSSOVER SHIPPING EVER HAPPEN? No / Yes / Depends (Kate has a lot of AUs, so it’s bound to happen. I have at least one crossover ship right now, actually: Lane’s Ash from UD with my UD!AU Kate. I am also going to take a moment to shamelessly plug @odawns. Please love Lane and her wonderful A.shley Brown. She is so good.)

—–

tagged by: @pulitzerpanther tagging: whomst’ve’ever wants to do it---come get y’all profile memes!

[tnffc]

Can you do number 3 for steter? If it's OK and you're still doing that?

Teacher/Student AU, coming up. Kind of.

I have some issues with the power imbalance of Teacher/Student stories. No judgement for those who like them, I just personal usually don’t. 

That of course only made me more curious if I could write one I’d be okay with. And I did. In a way. I hope you enjoy it ^^

__________________________

Peter looked at the speech he had printed out to memorize.

He had practiced it endlessly but right now didn’t really register any words except the name “Mr. Stilinski”.

It had been more than four years since he saw him.

Four years in which he had carried everything with him that the man had taught him.

About integrity.

Determination.

Hard work.

And staying true to yourself.

The memory of meeting his former teacher for the first time was still clear in his mind.

~*~

He had been a junior, at the top in most classes, popular, part of the basketball team, not yet fully out of the closet and kind of crushing on a guy in the year above him.

Mr. Stilinski walked into their classroom and introduced himself as their new art teacher.

Peter immediately was drawn to the visual appearance of the man but he wasn’t shallow enough to swoon over it like somebody else might.

He could already see classmates developing crushes for the guy and he’d have no part in it.

Except, over the course of the lesson Mr. Stilinski of course then showed he was smart, competent, kind but stern, surprisingly funny and witty.

Well, the guy would still have time to proof he had some flaws.

One appeared at the end of class when he announced he’d be offering an additional two hour art class on wednesdays, luckily it wasn’t mandatory.

Why would he think someone wanted to stay two hours longer if they didn’t have to?

In case anybody loved art just that much?

The guy was definitely overvaluing his subject.

On the other hand, loving your job was also kind of adorable.

~*~

A month went by and Peter had to admit he was maybe kind of slightly crushing on the new teacher?

Fantasies had started to make their way into his evening routine.

Fantasies of sharp, brown eyes witnessing him when he pleasured himself. 

And hands…hands! Uniquely identifiable hands that made you want to draw them, taunting him, playing with him.

A raspy, teasing voice telling him what to do.

Soft, ridiculously sensual lips showing a mischievous smirk when he caught himself in how embarrassing it was to do what he was doing.

Alright, yeah, he was crushing hard.

And the worst part was, he wasn’t actually doing great in class.

He had chosen art because with their old teacher it had been a very easy A but now he had to actually put work in to keep up.

That wasn’t really something he was into.

Also not something he was used to.

As he saw his grades drop he contemplated what to do.

He rarely had to study for anything, because he rarely decided to try something out he was bad in.

He had never intended to actually study for art class. All the former teacher had expected of them was to draw something mediocre and sometimes take a multiple choice test.

Eventually he decided he had to talk to Mr. Stilinski about what he could do to better his grade. After all Mr. Stilinski was bisexual - which had come out when someone had found his facebook account.

Maybe the guy was open to some kind of arrangement?

Peter would definitely not hate that.

A few days later after school he hurried to catch Mr. Stilinski in his classroom.

The guy was just packing his bag as Peter closed the door behind himself.

The man looked up and Peter saw those attentive eyes focus on him.

“Peter, what can I do for you?”

So many things…

Peter told himself that he needed to come off as confident and changed his posture before responding in a firm tone.

“I hoped we could talk about my grade.”

Mr. Stilinski hmmm-ed and continued packing.

“You are not happy about your B- I assume.”

Peter nodded and went to lean next to his teacher, against the table.

“No, I am not. I want an A. And I intend to get what I want. So what can I do to better my grade? Just tell me, I’ll do anything you want me to.”

Mr. Stilinski straightened his back and rose to his full height, staring down at Peter.

A moment ago Peter had felt in control by choosing to sit this close to the man, now he felt like maybe a bit more distance would have made that assessing stare less intimidating.

“Peter, are you suggesting what I think you are suggesting?”

Come on now, keep your courage up, show him you know what you are about!

He looked up at his teacher through his lashes and managed a cocky grin.

“I am very confident there is something I could do for you to sway my grade.”

Something dark seeped into Mr. Stilinski’s eyes and Peter felt the hairs on his arms and neck rise.

The man leaned down a little so their faces were closer and his voice got deeper and more raspy when he spoke again.

“And what do you have in mind? Tell me.”

His throat felt dry, he knew a lot of things he wanted to do to the man.

He swallowed and looked at those lips, so close to his.

Confidence, Peter!

“I could suck you off.”

Dear god, he really want to do that.

Mr. Stilinski pressed his lips together and tilted his head.

“I really hoped I was reading your signals wrong Peter. Has any other teacher given you the impression you could better your grade by giving them sexual favors?”

Shit.

Mr. Stilinski’s whole demeanor had changed.

He sounded concerned and kind, absolutely not like he might agree to Peter’s proposition.

“I…no…I never…I never needed to…”

The teacher stared at Peter a bit more.

It was getting really unnerving.

“Okay, that’s good. Then nobody needs to know about this conversation.

If you really want a better grade you could always just come to my voluntary class on wednesday afternoon. The group is a lot smaller so I could give you some more in depth tutoring.

You aren’t untalented, you just clearly don’t put any effort into this class. And I know art is an easy A in many schools but I take this serious. So you can decide if you want to ride the effortless B- or take my advice and actually study for this class.”

Peter felt very conflicted.

On the one hand he did really want that A, it would irk him to no end if he messed up his score because of fucking art class. 

And tutoring lessons with Mr. Stilinski didn’t sound that bad. Even though he’d have to recover from the embarrassing interaction they just had. 

But on the other hand it’d mean less free time, he’d actually have to put effort into this class…

Mr. Stilinski gave him a good-natured smile “Just think about it, I have to head out now.”

And with that he grabbed his bag and left the room.

~*~

Peter decided to actually take the lessons.

Mr. Stilinski had definitely lead Peter on a little, so he’d spell out his intentions.

It annoyed him how easy he had followed that bait as well.

Being into somebody apparently made you stupid around that person.

But somehow that bit of manipulation drew Peter only closer in to the man.

He started showing up to the voluntary class on wednesdays and Mr. Stilinski helped Peter study the topic they were working on.

‘A lot smaller’ was an understatement. They often were just two students, maybe 4 or 5 if a test was around the corner. Sometimes Peter and Mr. Stilinski were the only people there.

But the guy didn’t seem to be bothered by that, if anything he seemed to like the chance to focus on more detailed discussions of art with so little students to divide his attention.

Through the tutoring Peter realized he actually had never really learned how to study for something and the way Mr. Stilinski helped him was to explore the ways Peter actually could learn something easier.

They figured out he was an auditory learner and Mr. Stilinski started telling Peter a lot more instead of just giving him material to go through. 

They learned Peter found it easier to get into a topic for longer than just two hours so if he needed more time Mr. Stilinski often let him stay a bit longer.

Because that way he was able to get deeper into it.

Peter started to genuinely appreciate art as a class.

With Mr. Stilinski teaching him he realized how connected art was with everything and how omnipresent it was. 

Art was somebody’s interpretation of the world and they used it to evoke emotions. Be it a high fantasy drawing, an abstract piece, a performance, a movie. Everything could be art and art contained parts of everything.

As their lessons progressed they sometimes became less about the actual topic they were covering in class and more about life, about the world, about identity, the meaning of things and everything else that might come up.

Especially when it was only the two of them they sometimes went wildly off topic.

Peter had never felt this good with another person before, this understood and challenged at the same time.

Mr. Stilinski was probably the smartest person Peter ever met.

And he was not just book smart.

He seemed to understand the world, people, life…

Peter was way beyond fantasizing about Mr. Stilinski visiting him in his bedroom.

He was in love with the man.

His life revolved around those lessons.

He would have wanted for them to never end.

But despite all those feelings he kept his professional distance, because he now understood that the man would never actually have considered taking him up on his offer.

And frustratingly it only made him more perfect and worthy of Peter’s admiration and love.

At the end of the year Peter was up to a B+ and he actually was okay with that.

~*~

His last year in high school Peter started to feel something weigh on him and he didn’t know how to handle the topic. Of course it didn’t take long for Mr. Stilinski to notice and ask Peter what was going on.

He hesitated to tell his teacher what was bothering him but then decided for it.

If anybody had some helpful advice for him it’d be Mr. Stilinski.

“My parents want me to go to law school…and I am sure I’d do great. But I kind of want to do something else…”

Mr. Stilinski smiled at him warmly.

“What do you want to do instead?”

Peter stayed quiet for a moment, should he really say it?

Who else better to tell than Mr. Stilinski.

“I would like to become a teacher for English and History.”

He saw a moment of surprise on the teacher’s face and didn’t hide his grin at that.

It was seldom that something caught the man off guard.

Then Mr. Stilinski’s face went smooth again and showed another smile.

“I think you could be a great teacher Peter. I mean, the job is not great…you will be underpaid and a lot of students won’t like you, even if you try to be a good teacher. Some students might even make you morally very wrong offers…”

He gave Peter a teasing smirk.

“But I think you could handle it and help a lot of kids.”

Of course Mr. Stilinski knew what to say to make him feel less ridiculous about his idea. Maybe he really should talk to his parents about what he wanted to do.

Even though his dad would probably not be happy…

~*~

The end of his last year was approaching and Peter dreaded the day he and Mr. Stilinski would meet for the last time.

Peter had managed to get straight As almost through the entire year but neither him nor Mr. Stilinski had ever brought up that he could stop showing up to the voluntary wednesday class.

It gave Peter a good feeling because he suspected it meant his teacher did at least enjoy hanging out with him a little bit.

After all, if it was only the two of them Mr. Stilinski could just have canceled the class and enjoyed his free afternoon.

The last wednesday came and they were alone once again.

They talked about different things for a while, making jokes as usual and getting deep into some philosophical questions. But eventually Peter couldn’t avoid the topic anymore.

“I’m going to miss this” he blurted out as Mr. Stilinski had laughed at one of Peter’s comebacks.

Dear god he’d miss that laugh so much, the way it lit up the man’s face…

He’d not just miss ‘this’ he’d miss him.

His teacher.

The only man Peter had ever loved and maybe the only man Peter would ever love like this.

That was a very scary thought.

He had so much time ahead of himself…

So much time he’d not spent seeing him.

Mr. Stilinski had let silence fall over them and had studied Peter once again with those seemingly all knowing eyes.

“There will be others, Peter.”

“What do you mean?”

There was something like sad wisdom in the man’s expression.

“Other people you will be able to talk to like this. Other people who will understand you and challenge you. Other people you will be able to learn from. 

I know I have taken up the position of your mentor for the last two years. 

And I am okay with that, because for a mind like yours and mine some focused attention from someone can really help us grow.

And you have grown a lot. I am very proud to have been able to support you along the way for a bit. 

But you can’t just learn from one person. That would keep your view of the world tragically narrow.”

Yes there was definitely some form of sadness in Mr. Stilinski’s eyes.

“I will miss this too Peter. But if I can give you one last bit of advice for your future.

Surround yourself with a diversity of people. People who experience the world differently than you do. 

Let them tell you how the world is for them. And learn where your blind spots are and how to broaden your vision as much as possible. 

If you listen to all kinds of people and let them show you their world. you will come as close as you can to seeing the actual world all of us live in together. Not just your version of it.”

Peter didn’t know what to say to that.

He took those words though.

They did speak to a deeper truth about the world.

“Thank you Mr. Stilinski.”

He realized he sounded a bit choked and tried to blink away some uncried tears, but he didn’t really care.

Going home after that conversation he felt surprisingly okay.

Like that advice had been Mr. Stilinski giving him a part of himself to take with him into the future. He supposed loving the man meant honoring all that he had taught him.

~*~

And Peter had honored it.

Now he was graduating valedictorian of his class and was about to become a teacher himself.

They asked him to give a speech and he agreed to do it.

He invited his parents, his sister and her kids and after some contemplation also Mr. Stilinski.

Although he still wasn’t sure if his former teacher would actually show up.

He had just been some student after all.

He read over the speech a last time, he knew it by heart, but he also knew better than to get sloppy.

His phone rang and when he picked up his sister Talia told him they were almost there and would meet him in front of the university’s main entrance.

He placed the speech in the inside pocket of his suit and grabbed everything he needed to leave the flat.

~*~

When Peter was called up to give the speech he looked out into the crowd and his heart skipped a beat when he saw a very familiar face in the back of the room.

He had actually showed up.

Peter blinked twice and then just got into his speech before he might start to second guess anything.

He talked about his first days, about how proud he felt of the entire group he was graduating with, of how many people he met who widened his horizon and who he felt honored to have learned from.

Then, against the end came the part he was somewhat anxious about, but he was definitely not going to change it now.

“And finally, I want to thank a few people. I want to thank my parents for supporting me, my big sister for making me the thick skinned, snarky asshole I am today and I want to thank my highschool teacher Mr. Stilinski.

He taught me to not just be a snarky asshole but to also be kind, to go with open eyes through the world, to see the art in everything life has to offer.

And over all he taught me how to actually fucking study for something.

Because without that I definitely would not be standing here. 

And lastly of course, a huge thank you to all of you who made this journey with me. It’s been a great time. I wish all of you success and happiness in your future.”

He heard the applause but his eyes were drawn to where Mr. Stilinski was standing.

Even from this far away Peter could clearly see the smirk on the man’s face and he felt his heart beat faster.

He had to sit through the rest of the ceremony but his body and soul felt like they were just naturally gravitating towards him.

This was going to be a lesson in patience.

~*~

After the ceremony ended Peter was swarmed by family and friends to congratulate him, tell him they liked his speech and just chat for a bit before moving on to their respective next part of the evening.

Through all that time Peter hoped Mr. Stilinski would show up but he didn’t see the man anywhere.

Eventually he accepted his friends’ invitation to go out and celebrate.

He hugged his family goodbye and headed to the parking lot of the university.

In the distance he saw a person leaning against his car.

He felt his heartbeat speed up again as he instinctively knew who it was.

Forcing himself to keep a relaxed pace and not just run over to the man was difficult, but he managed it.

The closer he came the more he realized how weak his memory had been compared to the real deal.

There his former teacher was, casually leaning against the hood of Peter’s car, hands in the pockets of his red jacket, hair a bit longer than last time, framing his face, which currently had some charming stubble, eyes trained on Peter, mouth showing his usual smirk.

The only sign that over six years had gone by were the slightly more visible laugh lines.

And if anything that made him more attractive.

Peter stopped just before they’d have been in arms reach from each other.

“You remembered the car I drive.”

He got a genuine smile at that.

“Yeah.”

A moment of silence hung between them.

“I liked your speech” Mr. Stilinski then said, gesturing while talking, the way he always used to do.

Peter hadn’t know what exactly he wanted from seeing Mr. Stilinski again.

Maybe realization that he had moved on?

There had been times when he had felt like he had.

Times when he had felt very connected to other people.

People he still felt connected to.

But when the first phase of meeting a new person had cooled down nothing ever really had compared to the way he felt for the man in front of him.

So if anything he realized the opposite.

He had not moved on.

At all.

His heart still yearned to always be like this, just in the presence of him, at least that, if he could have nothing else.

Maybe he should try to get a position at his old highschool…his younger niece and nephew would probably hate it, so that could be fun…

“Thank you. I was very happy to see you in the audience. I wasn’t sure you would come.”

Mr. Stilinski chuckled.

“And miss the celebration of my brilliant former student’s achievements? Not a chance.”

Another moment filled with silence.

But this time they were looking at each other and Peter felt like the air kind of changed, got charged in some way.

He felt like this was it.

The moment.

If he ever found the right moment and the courage again to make a move, to throw all doubts out the window and be honest about how he felt, this was it.

“Did you know I was in love with you in high school?”

Mr. Stilinski didn’t laugh or scoff or frown, he smiled softly and wistfully sad.

“Yes Peter, it was hard to miss the crush you had.”

Peter shook his head.

“No, I didn’t have a crush on you. I was in love. I might not have known the difference back then, but I know it now.”

As Peter made that distinction Mr. Stilinski tilted his head a little.

“I apologize Peter. I didn’t mean to downplay the feelings you had back then. But either way, I hope you don’t think I should have done anything differently. There would have been no way to acknowledge your feelings without either stepping over the line or hurting you.”

Now it was Peter’s turn to smile wistfully.

“No, I know. And I knew even back then. It only made me love you more. 

And I meant what I said in my speech. You taught me a lot about life and about being true to myself and never stop learning from the people around me. I know it shaped a big part of the person I am today. 

And I guess I am wondering if that might be a person you woukd want to go out with.”

He saw that rare surprised look and didn’t hide his smile.

“Don’t worry Mr. Stilinski. This time it has nothing to do with my grades, I promise.”

The man scratched his neck for a moment and laughed awkwardly.

“I…uh…I didn’t expect that. But I’m not opposed to that…not…not entirely. We might have to talk about the whole me shaping you thing. 

Because that sounds an awful lot like I groomed your or something but…I’m not blind, you are an ad- we are both adults…and-”

Peter had to grin at how much the man’s demeanor changed the moment he didn’t feel in the position of the mentor anymore.

It was such a stark contrast to how he knew the man.

It was also extremely adorable.

And it helped Peter to find the confidence to take the lead from here.

He stepped closer and reached out one hand to place on the man’s neck and get him to stop rambling and focus his attention on Peter.

When he had the man’s focus Peter gave him a reassuring smile.

“You are very cute when you get flustered like that. But let me assure you, you will never be able to make me do something I don’t actually want to do. But if the context concerns you, why don’t we discuss it over dinner? I know a great place nearby.”

Mr. Stilinski smiled back at Peter gratefully.

“That sounds like a good plan. Also if we are actually doing this you should start calling me Stiles.”

Peter grinned and took a step back before holding out his hand for the man to take.

“Alright Stiles, let’s go.”

And the moment those long, pale fingers slid into his and closed around them he knew he’d do whatever he could to make sure he’d get to hold that hand many more times in their future.

[journeyintotheshelves]

Back in April I took part in the O.W.L.s Magical Read-a-thon hosted by Book Roast on YouTube. Out of the twelve “exams,” I passed eight of them: Arithmancy, Care of Magical Creatures, Charms, Defense Against the Dark Arts, History of Magic, Muggle Studies, Potions, and Transfiguration. Which set me up perfectly for this month’s read-a-thon: the N.E.W.T.s! This was my favorite read-a-thon to participate in last year, and G has just made it bigger and better than ever, and I am so glad I can participate in it again this year.

The career framework that I’m using for the N.E.W.T.s is different from the one I used for the O.W.L.s back in April. Though I could still go for a Charms professor at Hogwarts, I’m actually planning on following the criteria path for a Ministry Worker, specifically for the Department of International Magic Cooperation. Which means I only need to get an Outstanding in one subject — History of Magic — and acceptable in five others: Muggle Studies, Defense Against the Dark Arts, Potions, Transfiguration, and Charms.

Since I have a bunch of ARCs that I want to get to over the next few months and start posting reviews again, I’m hoping to combine the N.E.W.T.s with ARC August to see just how much of my ARC backlog I can get through. I’m ridiculously excited for all of the books I want to read this month, so hopefully I can get to most, if not all of them (in a perfect world). I am going to the beach for a week at the end of the month, which means prime reading time. Last year, I read four books while I was on vacation, so hopefully I can repeat that this year.

History of Magic

Out of all of my exams for this round of the N.E.W.T.s, History of Magic is the only one that I have to achieve an “Outstanding” to complete my career path. So did I choose easy books to complete it? Of course not! Why would I be kind to myself like that? However, I’m fairly certain that each of these books are going to be five stars, so I’m not too worried.

ACCEPTABLE: Read a fantasy

A Darker Shade of Magic (Shades of Magic: 1): V.E. Schwab

Despite the fact that I own a bunch of V.E. (Victoria) Schwab books, I haven’t read a single one. A Darker Shade of Magic is one of my Top 10 Books to Read in 2019, and I think it’s finally time to dive into some of Schwab’s work.

EXCEEDS EXPECTATIONS: Read a book that includes a map

Darkdawn (The Nevernight Chronicle: 3): Jay Kristoff Publication date: September 3rd

I’m currently in the middle of reading Godsgrave right now and am falling more in love with this story as I read every page. I cannot believe that I’m lucky enough to have an ARC of this highly anticipated finale, and I can’t wait to read it as soon as I can.

OUTSTANDING: Tom Riddle’s Diary: fond memory — reread a favorite (or a classic)

Wuthering Heights: Emily Brontë

I read Wuthering Heights for the first (and only) time back when I was a sophomore in high school and fell in love with the story. I’ve been meaning to reread this story for ages, especially since so many people I’ve talked to hate this book. I’m interested to see if I still feel the same about the story of Heathcliff and Catherine all these years later.

Muggle Studies

For my chosen career path, I only have to read the book for an acceptable grade for this exam. But I’m a bit extra motivated to get an “Outstanding” in Muggle Studies since one of these books was on my N.E.W.T.s TBR last year and didn’t get it to then, so it must happen this year.

ACCEPTABLE: Cover that includes an actual photo element

The Girl the Sea Gave Back: Adrienne Young Publication date: September 3rd

This one is a complete surprise addition to my TBR this month. But the Netgalley fairies (and the ones at St. Martin’s Press) granted my wish and I can read it early! I’m a sucker for books with a big mythology aspect, so I cannot wait to dive into this one (pun fully intended).

EXCEEDS EXPECTATIONS: Book set in our real world

Permanent Record: Mary H.K. Choi Publication date: September 3rd

The world needs more books about college-aged people that aren’t set at a  college, so I’m so excited that I get the chance to read Permanent Record. I’ve heard nothing but great things about Mary H.K. Choi’s last novel, Emergency Contact, so I’m intrigued to see how I like her newest novel.

OUTSTANDING: Book written by a person of color

A Very Large Expanse of Sea: Tahereh Mafi

If you’re having déjà vu reading this, trust me you’re not alone. This isn’t the first TBR that I’ve included A Very Large Expanse of Sea, but I definitely want it to be the last. I saw Tahereh Mafi at Epic Reads Day in July, and hearing her speak about this book and what it meant to her made me want to read it that much more.

Defense Against the Dark Arts

Like with Muggle Studies, I only have to read the book I chose for an “Acceptable” grade to complete the requirements for my chosen career path. However, all three books I’ve chosen for these prompts have been on my TBR for waaaay too long, and I think it’s time to change that.

ACCEPTABLE: Book that’s black under the dust jacket (only one necessary for my chosen career)

Legend (Legend: 1): Marie Lu

Why finish a Marie Lu series when I can keep starting them? Even though I do really want to finish her Warcross and Young Elites series, I do want to try and read her debut series; especially since Rebel, the continuation of this series, comes out in October.

EXCEEDS EXPECTATIONS: Gilderoy’s memory charm — first book you remembered from your TBR

Heretics Anonymous: Katie Henry

I’ve been dying to read this book since it came out last year. I love books that deal with philosophy and religion, especially if they’re done in a humorous way.

OUTSTANDING: Cornish pixie! Swat it away with a book written by an English author or set in England

Heartstopper, Volume 1: Alice Oseman

So, technically this is a reread for me since I’ve been reading Heartstopper as a webcomic since the beginning. But, I do love this story and Nick and Charlie are just so unbelievably adorable. This will be the perfect book to squeeze between some of my darker fantasies that I hope to read this month to lighten the mood.

Potions

Potions is going to my hardest N.E.W.T. to pass with an “Outstanding” grade. All three books are fantasy over 400 pages each. But, I won’t let that deter me and sometimes a fantasy is just the perfect beach read.

ACCEPTABLE: Polyjuice potion — read your friend’s favorite book

The Princess Bride: William Goldman

Asking my friend Nicole for her favorite book was absolutely terrible. Like most bookworms, she gave me a list of about ten books about twenty minutes after I asked her. Fortunately, I read most of the books that she suggested, with the exception of The Princess Bride. I have seen the movie once and liked it, so I’m interested to see how the book and movie differ. Hopefully it has the same humor as the movie does because that was just pure gold.

EXCEEDS EXPECTATIONS: House ingredient –– book with a cover in your Hogwarts house colors (Hufflepuff — yellow & black)

Serpent & Dove (Serpent & Dove: 1): Shelby Mahurin Publication date: September 3rd

I’ve been in love with this book ever since I saw the cover reveal a couple of months ago. And then I heard Shelby Mahurin speak about the story and fell in love even more. Give me all of the books with a fake dating — in this case a fake marriage — trope.

OUTSTANDING: Book that starts with a prologue

The Chosen (Contender: 1): Taran Matharu

I haven’t read any Taran Matharu before, but this one sounds like a great sci-fi/fantasy book. From the synopsis, I’m getting Matrix vibes and I cannot wait to see how this story unfolds.

Transfiguration

Just like for Potions, in order to complete the tests for my chosen career path, I only have to achieve an “Acceptable.” Also like Potions, the books I chose for these prompts are all dense fantasy; but they’re all stories I’m excited to read.

ACCEPTABLE: Read a book with LGBTQIA+ representation

Girls of Paper and Fire (Girls of Paper and Fire: 1): Natasha Ngan

Just like A Very Large Expanse of Sea, Girls of Paper and Fire has been on multiple previous TBRs. Hopefully, that streak comes to an end this month. I’ve heard nothing but fantastic things about this novel, so I really hope I can join in on this bandwagon ASAP.

EXCEEDS EXPECTATIONS: Read a book that’s not a first in the series

Blue Lily, Lily Blue (The Raven Cycle: 3): Maggie Stiefvater

Over the past few years, I’ve been slowly getting through Maggie Stiefvater’s The Raven Cycle. I’ve loved the first two books in the series, so I’ve been taking my time and savoring every moment. But, since her latest novel, Call Down the Hawk is related to this series (but not a direct sequel), I really want to catch up on this series before November.

OUTSTANDING: McGonagall doesn’t mess around! — Read a book over 500 pages

Angel Mage: Garth Nix Publication date: October 1st

Despite being a huge YA fantasy name, I have yet to read a single Garth Nix book. I am more than ready to finally read something by him, and I think that, since this is a standalone, this is the perfect place to start.

Charms

Out of all of my “exams,” Charms is the only one that I’m pretty confident that I can complete this month. With a graphic novel, a manga, and a short story collection that I need to read and review for a post next month, these books are more likely to happen than any of the others on this entire list.

ACCEPTABLE: A book with a gorgeous cover

His Hideous Heart: 13 of Edgar Allan Poe’s Most Unsettling Tales Reimagined: Dahlia Adler [Editor] Publication date: September 10th

I’m not a big anthology fan, but I’m ridiculously excited for this one. Edgar Allan Poe is one of my favorite authors of all time, so I cannot wait to see how his stories and themes are reimagined and interpreted.

EXCEEDS EXPECTATIONS: Read a comic/graphic novel/manga (or a book under 150 pages)

Dreamin’ Sun, Vol. 9: Ichigo Takano

I don’t read much manga, but when I do it’s one of three series. There are only two volumes of Dreamin’ Sun left and I’m so sad to see this series end.

OUTSTANDING: Spongify (softening charm) — Read a paperback book

Laura Dean Keeps Breaking Up with Me: Mariko Tamaki & Rosemary Valero-O’Connell

Just from flipping through this book, I know I’m going to love it in part just because the art is stunning. Stories about difficult relationships, especially in YA fiction, are always something I’m looking for, so I can’t wait to read this one.

Because I’m an overachiever, I hope to “pass” the other N.E.W.T.s that I can sit this year — Charms, Arithmancy, and Care of Magical Creatures. I make no promises, but after the past few decent reading months, I’m having a good feeling about August.

Arithmancy

ACCEPTABLE: Book that ends on an even page number

Frankly in Love: David Yoon Publication date: September 10th

I will say this every time, but I LOVE FAKE DATING TROPES AND I WILL ALWAYS READ THEM.

EXCEEDS EXPECTATIONS: Read a standalone

Jackpot: Nic Stone Publication date: October 15th

I am so so so glad that I have an ARC of this book. I loved Nic Stone’s Dear Martin, and she’s such a fantastic person. I love her voice, and I cannot wait to read another one of her stories.

OUTSTANDING: Book that’s longer than 350 pages

The Beautiful (The Beautiful: 1): Renée Ahdieh Publication date: October 8th

Vampires are back in YA literature; we are thriving in 2019, ladies and gentlemen. I’ve only read one of Renée Ahdieh’s books before, but I loved her writing style and structure, so I can’t wait to see how that translates to vampiric 1870s New Orleans.

Care of Magical Creatures

ACCEPTABLE: Follow the spiders! — Book title that starts with the letter ‘A’ for Aragog!

Ash: Malinda Lo

I literally scoured my shelves, and this is the only book that I have that starts with ‘A’ that I haven’t read already. I only picked this up a few months ago, but I’m always game for a fairytale retelling, especially when it’s a LGBTQIA+ retelling.

EXCEEDS EXPECTATIONS: Book under 300 pages

Girls on the Verge: Sharon Briggs Waller

Ever since I watched Chelsea from chelseadolling reads on YouTube rave about this book months ago, I’ve wanted to read this book. Even though it’s a short book, I have a feeling this is going to be a difficult read, but so very worth it.

OUTSTANDING: Grab onto Fawkes’ tail! — Read a book with a bird on the cover

Black Wings Beating (Skybound: 1): Alex London

I don’t know much about this book other than it’s a LGBTQIA+ fantasy. But, I’ve also heard nothing but good things about this book from those who have read it. Since the sequel is coming out soon, hopefully I can jump on this train quickly and pick up the sequel, too.

  It's August, so you know what that means....time for the N.E.W.T.s! I'm so pumped for all the books on my TBR this month. With luck, I'll pass all my exams needed to be a Ministry Worker! Check out my #NEWTSReadathon2019 TBR here: Back in April I took part in the O.W.L.s Magical Read-a-thon hosted by Book Roast on YouTube…

[lemonandhugs]

Sam & Cait: my take on things.🤔

Okay so I’m sure lots of people have probably already had this theory, and have spoken about it multiple times. But, I just wanted to voice it, myself. Plus I just love talking about them.🤷🏼‍♀️

So, chemistry test. Blind Freddy would be able to tell how smitten Sam was with Cait. He even admits to thinking that she was good looking, when first meeting her. Duh, she’s stunning.

All their early tweets to each other, and photos, well they speak for themselves. One of my favourites is Sam wishing Cait a happy birthday, posting the photo where she was asleep on the dummy, calling her beautiful. Another is Cait’s tweets to Sam, calling him “bubs”, and “babe”.😍

So what would most people make of this? I would assume they would have an inkling that there’s more there than just a work-friendship. Especially when there’s cheek-nuzzling, and arse-admiration shenanigans. I’d be here for about 15 hours if I went through every single early receipt, so I’m going to skip straight to my interpretations.👍🏼

Every interaction between them just screamed “together”. That’s exactly what I believed. Further interactions between them just continued to reinforce that, IMO.

So, they get together early on, things are wonderful, they have that glow about them; a happiness that pours out of their face and can’t be disguised. Not sure about marriage and bubba, but just a relationship seems definite. Then boom, season 2 airs and antis start complaining about the chemistry “slipping” between the two. Starz have a coronary and immediately blame it on Sam and Cait’s off-screen relationship. Ratings/viewers decrease. Season 2 wasn’t as good as the rest IMO (due to the storyline), but their chemistry had nothing to do with it! As far as I’m concerned, their chemistry didn’t budge an inch. 🔥

Thus, the fuckery begins. Introducing: T and MM. An ultimatum perhaps? Agree to these fake relationships, or the series won’t continue. Alas, the Interview from Hell is born! And only a little bit obvious that it was completely forced bullshit.

PR spins a web of relationships that apparently began before OL (in Cait’s case). The purpose is to focus peoples’ attention on the fact that there are existing relationships, so the on-screen chemistry could not possibly have changed.

Things between S&C on SM chill a little, but certainly don’t go away. I think that’s because, by nature, S&C rebel against what they don’t believe in. I would say Sam moreso than Cait. I think Starz knew that too, hence why they set Cait up with the long-term relationship and forthcoming engagement; because she would stick to the story more and make it somewhat believable. Perhaps taking advantage of the fact that she’s a newcomer to the acting world, and would have more concerns about getting work and keeping her head above water. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I certainly don’t judge her.

I believe Sam never really gave a full fuck, and has purposely let things slip more and more, over the years. Breadcrumbs!

Fuckery continues, antis get on their high horse over their “SOs” appearing in a grand total of, what, 5 photos, with S&C?🙄 Over how many years? Mate.🤦🏻‍♀️ Meanwhile, blatantly ignoring the increasingly sexual emoji-banter between S&C. #denial #decreasedamountoffucksgiven

The longer the series continues, the more pressure is put on the two to keep it hidden. Sam being Sam, and still leaving the trail of crumbs, and Cait still treading lightly, but not too lightly, she loves the guy remember. #blackballs

I believe they both like to push the boundaries every so often and see how far they can get. Moreso Sam, obviously. But he has a knack of starting something with Cait that she can’t back down from. Instead, come back with something equally dirty.😏Then when they get a scolding, they back off. Then a few weeks later, they push again.🙊 Cheeky buggers. “Oh no, people are just misinterpreting black pepper and olive oil.” Their excuse? Perhaps.🤔

Now let’s sort of skip to the event in which, I guess, began the ritual of, now, separate interviews. ‘Still being obvious on SM, and bound to continue to be even more obvious in interviews together’, the bosses are probably thinking. I’m referring to the event in which our two shared a fist bump. The event where Sam said 🖕🏼 and placed his hand on his woman’s arse. The same event where Sam gave us shippers the biggest gift of all. #weAREtogetherANDwedoworktogether #gamesetandmatchbitches

I believe at this event, Cait was feeling the strain more. She was being very reserved and distant; making a conscious effort to back right off. Perhaps she got into a lot of trouble? :( however if she did, I don’t think that’s why she was agitated. I think it was because she had had enough of the fake, fuckery bullshit.

Sam admitting it was telling Cait that, no matter what, he isn’t afraid to tell the world he loves her. He wasn’t going to have another IFH (an interview in which he was evidently unhappy, for the first time). Coincidence? I think not!

I also think the purpose of him saying that was to try and urge her to get on the #fuckit bandwagon, too. After all he can “just tell when she’s not happy”.💕

After that, perhaps Starz, PR, and all the rest are like “well....fuck. No coming back from that.” But to continue their efforts, and try to conceal what they can from their end, interviews remain separate. But I don’t believe for a second that their off-screen bodies engage in any such separation.😏

Sexual tweets continue, and thus receipts continue to pile up. Receipts that are a little more difficult to dissect, but just adds to the fun. It’s like a treasure hunt now. We have to work for it.😏

Now here we are, certainly missing the 2013-2015, careless, free S&C. However these days, I think it’s more exciting that their lives aren’t as easy to solve. It isn’t just put in front of us. We pick up on the clues, and solve the mystery, that has the same conclusion every time, just in different circumstances.

I know, I know, it’s all so damn confusing. It took me so long to write this. I even confuse myself with this theory/fantasy of mine.😂 But, it brings me comfort. Whether I’m completely wrong, or completely right (in regards to my timeline), one thing is for sure: I know they love each other. The sort of love that needs no words, to be understood by the world:

Woah. You know, when you really sit down and try to figure these two humans out, it feels like so much weight has been lifted, and some shit has been sorted out! 😂

Oh gosh, I need help. 😂😂

They make me so damn happy. All of it. Fuckery or not. Those two. Sam and Cait, Cait and Sam. It’s all good, and I’m so excited to continue to watch their love story, and work with the rest of you dedicated shippers, to figure out their Morse code of love. 💖

I hope at least some of this made sense!😂🤦🏻‍♀️

More than that, I hope you enjoyed.

Our destination has not been reached yet! 🚢

With you, all the way. MWAH! 😘

[elizabethrobertajones]

I've had a couple of requests for an explanation about this Jensen vs scripts thing since JIB, and I think the best way to explain it is to look at the "I read books" flip around... I can't for the life of me find versions where I've explained it before which aren't just messy quotes from my episode notes, so I'm just laying it out :)

In 9x04 we got these lines as filmed and presented to us:

DEAN Wow. That Joffrey's a dick.

CHARLIE Oh, you have no idea. Wait until he --

SAM Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! S-spoilers. I haven't read all the books yet.

DEAN You're gonna read the books?

SAM Yes, Dean. I like to read books -- you know, the ones without pictures.

[DEAN shoots an annoyed look at his brother.]

In conventions etc the boys have been quite happy to tell us how they flipped the lines around as if they had corrected a characterisation error; Sam is the one who reads books! Dean is a jock who will watch a T&A show but not get into the books.

Robbie, a dear fan of nerdy Dean (look no further than his total glee at LARP-ing in 8x11 and the direction of his getting dressed up as Aragorn which totally does not mirror a scene from the LotR movies...) had picked up on the fact that Dean has referenced Vonnegut and other writers before (with multiple references, I believe) and clearly does read for pleasure, though he seems to keep it on the DL most of the time, referencing movies and TV shows far more frequently.

The most egregious example other than this, which I don't know if it was scripted or not, is in 6x21 when Dean complains he has no idea what a Cthulu is because he was too busy having sex with women to read the books that Bobby and Sam know. Anyone who knows Dean's taste in music knows that his favourite bands frequently reference LotR and Lovecraft among other things, so he absolutely would have the cultural context. It's easier to interpret Dean as lying to cover his wounded pride in this situation but in 9x04 it's a mess.

The implication becomes Dean seeming SURPRISED that his nerdy ass brother, who he knows uses obscure Star Wars characters as fake names, wants to read a series of fantasy novels... In an episode by the same writer who once had Sam bond with Charlie over the Harry Potter books. Hrm.

Sam goes on to say the most condescendingly shitty line ever to mock Dean that books exist that don't just have pictures in them.

Now flip the lines back to how they're intended: Dean reacting in a panic when spoilers are about to start flying, and Sam surprised that his brother, who rarely admits to liking nerdy stuff, wants to read a stack of books as tall as Sam is, won over by the TV show. Dean, prickly and defensive of admitting he likes the things he likes - but standing his ground and reminding Sam he DOES like books - you know, even the ones without pictures. Dean's reading level is well beyond A Very Hungry Caterpillar.

Robbie's intent with these lines was clearly to expose new Dean characterisation ground, especially in an episode showing him comfortably at home and flourishing in the Bunker in contrast to Sam's reticence to call it home, that Charlie points out in the same scene. I also remember a line later about books or Charlie or something that would have made more sense if Dean had said the lines this way around, though I can’t recall which moment. Instead the lines sticking to enforcing the established surface level characterisation come across as regressive and unintentionally demeaning to the characters, just because Dean has always previously been the one to mock Sam for liking nerdy things, rather than understanding the nuance of the scene.

In 11x04, though, Robbie decided that it was time to try again and get the exact same line to come out of Dean's mouth, come hell or high water, and so we get this exchange in the iconic BM in the car scene, and I apologise for quoting loads of it, but its context is important:

DEAN: You were singing in your sleep, that song mom loved that dad used to always play for us. I think I've actually still got the tape.

SAM: Hey, Dean, um . . . You said when you saw the Darkness, you weren't sure whether it was, uh . . . the real thing or a vision, right?

DEAN: Mm-hmm

SAM: I think I've been having visions, too, lately. I mean, it's just images. I mean, more of a . . . feeling, really. But I just had one right now, and -- and Dad was in it. But it wasn't dad like -- like . . . The Dad that -- that I grew up with. It was Dad when he was our age. And I-I guess it wasn't even really Dad. It was someone pretending to be Dad and --

DEAN: Okay, what makes you say that?

SAM: For starters, he told me everything I wanted to hear.

DEAN: Yeah, that doesn't sound like dad.

SAM: No. Anyways, whoever it was . . . They had a message to deliver. They said the Darkness is coming, and . . . only you and I can stop it.

DEAN: Did they have him give you any helpful tips on how to do that?

SAM: He said, "God helps those who help themselves." I mean, maybe these visions are coming from God.

DEAN: Whoa. Pump the brakes.

SAM: I mean, Dean, the first one happened after I prayed.

DEAN: You prayed? When was this?

SAM: Back in the hospital.

DEAN: Why?

SAM: Because I was infected. I was infected. I'm not anymore. I-I-I never went full rabid. I . . .

DEAN: You get infected and you didn't even tell me.

SAM: Dean . . .

DEAN: What did you pray about?

SAM: I guess I was just looking for answers, you know?

DEAN: Well, I'm sure whatever is kicking around in your head right now is a side effect from the infection that you failed to tell me about.

SAM: You know, I don't think it's that simple.

DEAN: Come on, man. That quote? "God helps those who help themselves"? God didn't say that. That's not even in the Bible. That's an old proverb that dates way back to Aesop. I read. And more importantly, when was the last time God answered any one of our prayers? It's not a vision, Sam. All right? It's just some . . .Some fever dream. That's all. And as far as Dad goes, I dream about Dad all the time.

SAM: You do?

DEAN: Of course I do. It's usually the same one, too. We're all in the car. I'm sitting in the driver's seat, dad's sitting shotgun. But there aren't any shotguns. There's no monsters. There's no hunting. There's none of that. It's just . . . He's teaching me how to drive. And, uh, and I'm not little like I was when he actually taught me how to drive. I'm 16, and he's helping me get my learner's permit. Of course, you're in the backseat, just begging to take a turn. We pull up to the house -- the family house -- and I park in the driveway, and he looks over and he says, "perfect landing, son." I have that dream every couple of months. Kind of comforting, actually.

SAM: I always, uh . . . I always dream about mom. Usually the same kind of thing, though.

DEAN: Normal life?

SAM: Yeah. Normal life. But, Dean, this wasn't just a dream. I'm telling you.

DEAN: Why would somebody dress up like Dad to give you a message? I mean, Dad. You don't exactly have a history of listening to what he had to say.

SAM: But you said the Darkness is -- is sending messages to you. Maybe whatever is the opposite of the Darkness is sending messages to me.

DEAN: And you think that this thing is God? Come on. How many -- how many opportunities has God had to crack this pinata, and I don't see any candy on the floor, do you?

SAM: Okay, then maybe it's not God. But uh . . .

DEAN: I know what you're trying to do here. You're trying to find some -- some greater meaning to it all. Right? Some . . . Fate to what went down. But I'm telling you, Sam. The Darkness? It's on us. And no one's gonna help us, certainly not God, so we'll have to figure this thing out, like we always do. But until then . . . We hunt. This case for starters, course this case is . . .

The conversation has a couple of threads - that quote and who the mystery person might be, the family stuff and dreams, and the trust they have in each other, and faith in their family, their impressions and ideas about Mary and John. The dialogue wanders back and forth through the themes, starting with talking about visions, and the line about "god helps those who help themselves" is Inceptioned into Sam's brain in the previous dream sequence, the main subject for discussion. 

Sam brings its up while trying to explain what happened and immediately leaps to the conclusion that the vision came from God, and it takes a lot more back and forth before we get around to the quote again as the dialogue drifts into their trust about each other, before Dean uses that as a springboard to question Sam's faith in the quote, that he is taking on surface value. He points out it's not biblical at all, and it's important, thematically, to understand this quote, and Dean is analysing it, knowing it's from Aesop. 

His assessment that God didn't send this turns out to be true, and his explanation of WHY he doesn't trust this line means that explaining he read it in a book is essential to explaining his confidence; Sam's position as unquestioning and full of faith is too vitally plot important to turn it around. Even if Sam had ended up saying, "I know that, I read," defensively, the fact that Dean brings up the provenance of the quote still has to be something that Dean does, to fit the much more important, broader characterisation of the scene. Changing it is non-negotiable in the sense that the flow of the dialogue has firmly established who is on each side on each theme. 

This scene ends with that wonderful shot of Sam and Dean top and tail in the car, in their contrasting red and blue conflict characters. Very much emphasising the two halves of a whole and always utterly oil and water personalities and feelings they have. In this scene, Dean dreams of John, Sam dreams of Mary, Dean is doubting, Sam has faith. Dean's had visions from the Darkness that he doesn't trust, Sam has had visions from "god" that he does.

I love this moment so much because it is completely natural characterisation, but Robbie went out of his way to craft dialogue in such a way that even though he had a spiteful little motive to get that phrase out of Dean's mouth it still worked perfectly easily, and emphasised Dean's intelligence gently, while not making it a focus of the scene, it was still a line that added to what would have been an inarguable nod to Dean's intelligence without it, but with it is the "hey so Dean's gonna have this line come out of his mouth no matter what" comment, which in character is Dean just casually confirming that it SHOULDN'T be weird, the amount of lore books they have lying around, that he might have cracked one open at some point and learned a thing or two. 

(Back in 5x19 we get Dean's POV by the camera, showing us him identifying each and every one of the gods in the room with several photographic memory moments of books and illustrations of them, along with their name tags - the line after this is Sam being baffled about what's going on but Dean knows they're gods and can probably tell you their backstory all around the table. Dean has an excellent memory and recall from books... Even back in 1x16/17 they established his knowledge of symbols and lore with the blood splatters and BOC symbol things.)

So, yeah. It got fixed, but I feel like I don't even know half the things the actors change, and what later little corrections we're getting... :P There's a lot of ad libs I think have been good or funny, and in character, and of course the majority of their emotional choices are spot on for how to act a scene. But when it comes to forward character momentum, if they are missing the clues on why their characters are being written seemingly "backwards" from how they would normally act, and correct course back to the established way, they ARE shifting the nuance of scenes.

What I don't get about this whole ~scriptgate~ thing is that Sam had to absolutely be left alone dead in a hole so that Lucifer could come and get him, and motivate the entire of 13x22 and the direction that went in. I think in a way it's just character bleed that in some ways is good that he can act the raw horror and frustration of being dragged away from Sam, when every part of him is screaming that he doesn't want to do it. But like with the 11x04 scene the story boxes Dean in that he has to behave in the way the script says as the plot weighs too heavily on this scene, that it would require an enormous rewrite rather than a simple flip or something, in order to accommodate a different and more regressive interpretation of Dean's character in these instances. 

With a plot motivation that strong thankfully we seem to have got the scene as intended, and it's immensely powerful to the point that I don't think I can look at Dean's face in the gifs of Cas stopping him running after Sam. It's clear he cares and he's not callously abandoning Sam, but there's more going on at the same time, that he can't throw away all his characterisation to stay with Sam. The Lucifer and Jack storyline from next episode is the thumb pushing down on that pressure point, as much as in 11x04, Sam being wrong about his visions is forcing Dean to be the authority who read a thing in a book, and can not be portrayed as ignorant in this context. So really, if Jensen is saying he wanted Dean to stay with Sam, or go after him, it's a wholly emotional, in-character response, and I love what it brought to the scene, but at the end of the day, it's damaging to the overall story and I'm glad that like Cas restrains Dean, the story restrained Jensen from doing it...

But tbh because the story gets to lock lines into place like this, where actions have too much depending on them (and we see the disparity in Buckleming episodes where they have lines which do NOT depend on having read the other episodes beforehand and accidentally break continuity - yes I am still baffled about why Cas was wondering bloody around the woodland in 13x13) it's really the little characterisation beats which bother me more, because they can seem harmless, when nothing is really depending on them, but at the end of the day the asides and quips and little character jokes are the important place where a huge amount of our character interpretation comes from - small incidents can tell us so much more about what's up with them than huge decisions in moments of high tension, that changing quips around to the wrong characters can be really damaging. Especially when long-term plot things do rest on the characters and how they are coming across. 

People are quick to complain when characters are too cheerful one episode or too depressed the next. In season 9 while Sam was possessed by Gadreel there's a weird misinterpretation where all the other writers write Sam as perky and doing well, but in 9x08 Jenny Klein clearly misread how Dean was trying to convince Sam he was tired and unwell and needed to rest after the angel trials as Sam LITERALLY being this way, and so one episode before Gadreel makes off with Sam and 2 before he has to be freed from him, despite Sam getting up at 5 to go jogging not long after being possessed, he's now miserably sleeping on the kitchen table, like my chronic fatigued ass might. It's a small detail, but it throws Dean's attempt to wrangle Sam into a light where he seems to have a greater case, and generally undermines completely the forward momentum of the narrative about how Sam was doing that all the other writers in that block of episodes had kept up. When the actors are throwing in confusion with how they interpret the lines and swapping motivations etc as well, it becomes even harder for us to keep up and to get a clean read on the characterisation which is informing the major plot events.

Which, basically, as a meta writer who overhauls each episode to explain and interpret it into the narrative as I understand it, based as much as possible on the clues they're giving me, is a REAL HEADACHE when I slam into a wall of "this is literally just improbably backwards to how it was last episode" :P

But it’s not a criticism to point this out, really. After all, Edlund, one of the most beloved writers to have been on the show, wrote in his last episode how Sam and Dean went to the Grand Canyon and Dean rode a farty donkey, and it turned out that past canon had very firmly established that they had never been. Everyone makes character and plot errors, though when it comes on the actor level there is the problem that sometimes it may be they feel they are correcting a farty donkey plot hole (and I think they sometimes HAVE, such as Jared declining to sass and quip with Lucifer) when they’re really missing a cue from high above that their character is going places. 

[poipoi1912]

Carisi-centric thoughts on Ep 19x08

Here we go.

Disclaimer: I will try to remain objective. Be warned lol. My undying love for Barisi influences my fic, of course, but I try to analyze the actual episodes as realistically as I can. (if by “realistically” you mean “realistic-ish while always allowing for the possibility of Barisi)

Overall Thoughts

I really enjoyed the case. Even if we've seen it all before (wasn't there an episode with Kevin Pollack and an Eyes Wide Shut situation? Where he was a judge and he genuinely thought a woman wanted to be raped?). The double catfish element was sort of new, I guess. I did also like all the performances, even if the female perp was written in a stereotypical way. And I appreciated the guy's attitude, and the contrast between his appearance and his mild behavior, but also the contrast between someone seemingly sweet and someone who would act out a rape fantasy no questions asked, i.e. without making sure the woman was consenting, at least in person. I don't know if the writers intended that last part or if I'm reading too much into it, though.

That said, deep down I wish he'd had an attorney like Rita or Buchanan, because they'd never let him plead guilty and we'd witness another awesome trial about that aspect of the case (though I did love his actual lawyer, whom he did not listen to). Still, it's nice to see a decent if flawed person doing the right thing, SVU used to do that a lot in the early seasons. I believed that the guy was conflicted about it, at least, so that entire scene worked for me. I also appreciated that the victim's trauma wasn't instantly healed in the end. It felt more real. So the overall idea of the episode was solid (if unoriginal), and the execution was very good.

The Rollisi Corner

First thing I need to get off my chest: Sonny clearly bought coffee and breakfast for Amanda the morning after, hopefully to go with his apology, and then, when he saw the bartender leaving her room, he turned around and left and hE DIDN'T GIVE HER THE COFFEE??? OR THE FOOD??? Like she didn't deserve his croissants because she had sex with another guy? WHAT A DICK.

OK, onto my analysis.

The Facts

So, Sonny and Amanda get visibly drunk, they get in a bar fight which excites them both, because they enjoy punching people I guess (is that a thing?), and then Sonny tries to hook up with her, but Amanda awkwardly nopes the fuck out of there before hooking up with the guy she flirted with earlier. I'm with them so far.

There are multiple and equally valid interpretations for these actions. Maybe Sonny was vulnerable after his deleted break up, maybe he's been harboring feelings for Amanda for a while, maybe he was just hyped up after the fight and he wanted to casually let off some steam thinking Amanda would be up for that, maybe Amanda is open to that but didn't want to start anything while they were kinda drunk, maybe she was weirded out because she wasn't expecting it and she doesn't see Sonny like that, maybe she was unsure but horny, because that bar fight got her going, so she called that bartender, maybe she was really into the bartender and she had decided to sleep with him long before Sonny's proposition. Fine.

My problem starts after that.

In my view (which, going by the tags, is shared by many), Sonny should have apologized to Amanda the next day. For the drunkenness alone. For possibly making things weird between them. For getting caught up in the moment and hitting on her like that, instead of talking to her about his feelings (whatever they may be) or even (gasp!) asking her out. In fact, that's what I was expecting. That's how I thought they would get Rollisi going. By Sonny apologizing and Amanda jokingly saying she didn't want to "take advantage” of him in his drunken state, but leaving the door open for something in the future. Basically I was looking for a sweet interaction to show that Sonny has actual feelings for Amanda, as opposed to just wanting to sleep with her, and she's maybe willing to entertain that notion, just not yet. Neither of which happened.

Instead, the show chose to put a stop to it, before it even started. Instead, Sonny got jealous, and weirdly entitled if not territorial, and he started acting all petulant in front of a suspect, not to mention in the middle of the precinct, to the point where Amanda had to call him out on it. Of course I get why he would be hurt (and I was totally expecting some adorable sad sack moping lol) or even offended (because his fragile male ego couldn’t handle the fact Amanda chose to sleep with someone else), but why would he let that affect his working relationship with Amanda? Hasn’t he never heard of putting on a brave face? Has he no dignity? Conceal, don’t feel, Sonny!

My Thoughts

On one hand, I feel this could have been handled a lot better, by giving us a good idea about where their heads are at. Instead of leaving us totally wondering about their potential feelings, romantic or sexual or nothing at all, this could have been something heartwarming, something meaningful and consistent with Sonny and Amanda's prior supportive and friendly relationship. Like, imagine if he had sweetly tried to kiss her at her place, while making dinner. Perfectly adorable, and perfectly in character (and, yes, maybe a little too Hallmark, which I would have preferred over the soapy methods the writers chose to employ). And they could have still had that awkward "um, nope" moment afterwards, perhaps interrupted by Jesse crying or something.

Or, even in this random context (out of town, drunk, high on adrenaline), imagine if Amanda had sternly told Sonny to keep his feelings separate from the job, but also that she values his friendship and she needs some time because this is new territory for her (valuing a dude lol). That would have told us that there’s a real connection, as opposed to a simple possibility for a hook-up, if Amanda ever feels like it, and if Sonny’s ego isn’t too bruised to accept.

On the other hand, this is a heterosexual SVU relationship (the only type of relationship allowed apparently), and drunken messiness and awkwardness and weird aggression is the only way those seem to ever happen on this show (see Rollaro, Bensler). So I get it. I don't get why Amanda had to sacrifice (thankfully only) some of her progress (enjoying drunken bar fights? That's so S15 and it also made me miss Amaro, her OG bar fight sidekick) or why Sonny, a character who hadn't displayed similar traits, had to suddenly change to fit that mold. Then again, maybe the change was not so sudden. Sonny hasn't been Sonny in like 2 years 👀

I suppose I always thought that, if Rollisi were to ever start, it would be different by default. For Amanda's sake (and I've posted about this in the past). I thought it'd be about feelings, not misplaced lust. Like, not to diss Sonny, but he ain't no Amaro. "Unresolved Sexual Tension" doesn't quite work when Sonny is involved, you know? No matter how good he looks in a henley. Which was especially evident when Amanda flirted with that bartender. There was a clear physical component to that brief interaction. With Sonny, there was awkwardness. He tried to move in, Amanda pulled away, and he laughed it off like it was dumb of him to even try. No heat. But that's fine, too. I just thought a potential "moment” would take that under consideration. That sweetness.

I certainly wasn't expecting Sonny to make a move while drunk, and then suddenly get all passive aggressive, and then get rewarded for it in a weird "so you're telling me there's a chance" moment which did nothing to inform us of anybody's feelings, if any even exist. Especially considering his totally ambivalent expression in the end. Amanda has always been a straight shooter. And Sonny has always been respectful. Why not take advantage of their actual personality traits and dynamic, instead of writing in a contrived bar fight, a drunken almost hookup and the awkward aftermath? This is a little too blurry for me, and it just might suggest that the point of that side-plot was to show that Sonny and Amanda are not going to go there, at least not for a while. The hot bartender’s inclusion specifically, it was unnecessarily soapy (no reason why Amanda couldn’t just turn Sonny down and go to sleep), and it served no other purpose but to kill the momentum between them.

Speaking of, Amanda's whole "people have sex" speech kinda framed their situation weirdly. I'd like to think that her sleeping with someone wasn't Sonny's problem (it better not have been!). His problem was that he was confused, and possibly jealous, and self-conscious. So why did Amanda purposely choose not to address the real reason he was being annoying? Why did she act like Sonny was judging her out if some misplaced sense of morality? (By the way, I truly don’t believe that the show was suggesting that Sonny only has sex out of pure love and that's why he was judging Amanda in the year of our lord 2017. I have a different theory about that conversation.)

My Predictions

Is it possible that Amanda was trying to avoid talking about it altogether? Did she maybe want to cool things off, and twist the argument around, and steer Sonny toward a more manageable direction, one less uncomfortable for her?  “Don’t judge me” as opposed to “yes, I rejected you”? For the sake of their working relationship, since Sonny seemed fully intent on perpetually moping? Maybe she decided that acting like she might one day sleep with him was the best way to keep things cordial between them? If so, yikes. 👀👀👀

Personally, however, I choose to fanwank that Sonny was not so much petulant but moreso embarrassed, after a rejection which possibly forced him to reconsider is own behavior, and the reasons why he may have misread the situation. I also choose to believe that Amanda cleverly used teasing and joking as a more palatable way to set Sonny straight and to press pause (at the very least) on whatever almost happened between them, because she's not willing to go there, or else she would have done it.

Anyway. Let's see if and how this progresses. In about 15 episodes, if and when the show remembers this even happened. My guess is, that talk was supposed to end the awkwardness but also kill the "what if", and Sonny and Amanda are going to interact normally for the forseeable future.

Barba Thoughts

We sure got a nice amount of Barba this week (all things considered), and I sure loved it! I always prefer the episodes where police work only gets them so far, and they need a Barba assist to win the case. And this wasn't a rabbit out of Barba's hat, by the way. This was a legitimate interrogation. I loved seeing him so confidently getting the job done. It had been a while since we got a longer trial, and this case was interesting enough to sustain it, so I'm glad we got to see it. Raul was fantastic in that moment, by the way. As always. Selling that "compassion” while making it perfectly clear he didn’t believe any of the victim-blamey things he had to say to get Heather to crack? That was masterful. I love him.

The Barisi corner

"Tell Rafael not to worry" :D

Barba's sweet face when he saw Sonny :D

"Hey!" :D

Sonny's eager face when he delivered the slam dunk Barba needed, his eyes literally hanging off of Barba's lips, waiting for approval? :DDDD

Barba's joy because Sonny brought him something juicy he could use to win the case? :DDDDDDD

I love their love :')

Stray Thoughts

So Noah gets kidnapped by Sheila and we don't even get to see her twirl her mustache? Come on now! I want my money's worth. I sat through the boring grandma scenes, I'm gonna need to see Brooke Shields go full-on villain. I can't wait for the "reveal" that she has him.

Guys, is a bar fight, like, a good thing? Is it actually fun? Was I supposed to be rooting for anybody in that scene? I wouldn't know, violence just doesn’t do it for me.

Does anyone remember that Amanda has a kid (a toddler, by now? I think?). Are they really sending her to spend the night in West Virginia without anyone offering to cover for her? I guess that's what happens when you're short-staffed and Fin gives zero fucks. Still, they could have at least let Amanda mention having to get an overnight baby sitter, or even say something like “I love my kid, but it’s fun to remember what it was like when I was carefree” etc. Does Jesse even exist anymore, or is Noah the only child in the Tri-state area now?

Barba's hair!

Sonny in a henley!

Cauliflower ear! Nice attention to detail.

Brooke Shields is a good actress. I enjoy her scenes with Benson, Mariska is really good in them as well. I just wish the writing wasn't so trite.

This was yet another episode where a psychiatrist would have been useful. Heather didn't look like she was all there. I was waiting for Huang to pop in and suggest she wasn't competent to stand trial.

The sleazy defense attorney handing Benson his business card was a flawless character moment. Straight out of the early seasons.

Sonny: These influencers are the voice of Gen Z

me: please stop

Fin: Don't people know porn's free these days?

me: i love you

Fin: I'm allergic to West Virginia

me: I LOVE YOU