#and try to explain away random decisions with no basis in continuity

[neutron-stars-collision]

Deadlines & Commitments

Neil x F!Reader

Chapter 10 - Waterloo Underground Station

Masterlist; Chapter 9 Summary: A spontaneous decision on your side takes you both out of London for the weekend. The proximity and a different setting forces you to address some reckless choices and face the tension. Warnings: Swearing, explicit language and, as always, a tiny dose of angst and confusion on both sides. Author's Notes: Publishing a chapter every 2-3 months is cool, right? 🙈 As always, I blame work and my brain for that. These two make life difficult on the daily basis. But, alas, it's here for all five of you to enjoy 🎉 This is the first of my 'Skegness chapters', which a nickname I gave to the weird concoction of ideas that required my setting to change for a moment. Said weird ideas included an ice bar, stargazing and swing dancing... Yeah, I know. I think there will be one more chapter finishing this part of the story, because as you can see, these two are only getting messier. Don't we just love that?? Thank you for reading and let me know what you think? 💕 Taglist: @hollandorks, @kristevstewart, @stargirl25 (let me know if you want to be added).

You could not exactly say if anything changed after that Saturday morning when Neil lifted the metaphorical veil of secrecy, but you knew that some things were different. Like how you perceived the world - at odd times aware that, for some people, movement was not always a forward motion. Some bullets could fly up instead of falling. During those days when Neil texted you to say he was away and would not be able to meet, he was most likely not sitting behind a desk, going through paperwork. Or listening to people confess their sins in a darkened confessional.

No, it was quite possible he could be dodging those inverted bullets and trying not to be injured. Or worse. Admittedly, you tried your hardest not to think about that whenever Neil was away. You filled your time with lessons and rehearsals, fully immersing yourself within the four realms of The Nutcracker. Which, if you dared say so, was going well. Suspiciously so.

But if there was one thing that changed on the sunny Saturday, it was the fact that you took one significant step back. At some point that day, faced with the reality of Neil’s occupation and the things he had to deal with, your brain decided to take one step back, withdrawing from any forms of intimacy that breached the carefully crafted line. The line was drawn in the sand, daily rearranged to fit the narratives you had tried to believe. That was how close friends behaved. There was nothing wrong with the desperate desire to talk to him whenever you spent as much as four hours apart. Lies like that.

But you no longer kissed him. Never let yourself get lost in the passion so easily ignited between you through something as innocuous as a touch of a hand. If Neil noticed your feeble attempts at stripping away the benefits part of your friendship, he did not show it.

If he ever asked, you were not sure you could explain it. Except that a naïve part of your brain wanted to believe that if something terrible happened to him, it would be easier to move on. To forget without the burden of memories filled with kisses and touches no one else could ever replicate.

In a way, it was a blessing that Neil was never the one to initiate a kiss or something more between you without a clear green light from your side. Yet, still, you did not consider it a blessing. More so a convenience that eased the burden of guilt. Slightly.

Still, your weekly standing dates on Wednesdays and other random outings continued, setting a routine you could not begrudge. It was easy (too easy) and pleasant (too pleasant) to have someone to talk to and share every little thing that came to your head, the good and the bad. And if, in exchange, you got to know Neil even better, confirming your assumptions that he was possibly the smartest and most wonderful human being to exist – then that was more than alright.

It was only at the end of October when that steady routine and daily schedule, without an ounce of variety, except for maybe a different idiotic song stuck in your head, started getting boring. Tiring with repetitiveness. It was that sort of excuse you repeated in your head as you typed into the search bar performances of travelling ballet troupes doing The Nutcracker and consequently chose a destination. There was never such a thing as too much inspiration. Surely. And a weekend away from the beloved yet chaotic London Town did not sound bad either. Certainly.

All was well until the subsequent Wednesday morning when you stared at the fluorescents on your descent to the platform, your eyes burning from a deficit of sleep and an early hour. Mornings like this meant trouble. They sounded like spontaneous decisions and recklessly made plans.

But as always, sense was hard to come by when faced with those beautiful eyes and a smile almost too good to be true. A takeaway coffee cup in his hand, placed under your nose as soon as you sat, was a key factor, too.

The gleam in his eyes zeroed in on you as you stifled another yawn and picked up the coffee with a grateful smile. The verbal response had to come after that first sip.

“You look like you need this” the affection in Neil’s voice was, as always, a dangerous, heady thing.

More so when you were sleep deprived and quite likely to say fuck it to things that you should not say fuck it to. You took the second sip of coffee before even trying to respond.

“Desperately” on their own accord, your eyes wandered over his face, cataloguing every tiny detail you could see from such proximity. The stray eyelash on his cheek caught your attention, so you reached out, brushing it away with a feather-light touch. Only Neil’s startled look told you he had noticed, “Thank you, sweetheart” before you could chicken out, you breached the minuscule gap and kissed his cheek. The victory in hearing his shallow gasp was fleeting, yet still very much there, “Waking up when it’s still dark is utter shite, innit?” frowning at the plastic lid, you sighed heavily.

It was even more damning to think about the return home that afternoon, also cloaked with twilight and the streetlights coming on, one by one, as you cowered from the wind and the drizzle. But that should wait. Without letting the sombre mood deepen, you moved closer to Neil, letting his warmth seep into your cold body and frozen heart.

Fuck knows if that was even an accurate metaphor. Or if it was something you wished to be true.

“Add jetlag to that and… yeah” unaware of your teeny crisis, Neil raised his arm to place it around your shoulders, pulling you closer. The nonchalance of the gesture, seemingly a natural habit by now, did not escape you “But I’ve only got the briefing to tick off today, and then I’m free for a week” the slight brag in his tone made you frown with feigned jealousy.

Or not so feigned.

It was good to have him back after two weeks of nothing but texting and occasional phone calls, cumbered by the frustrating invention called ‘time zones’. What did not need to be mentioned were the hours you spent worrying whether the next text would ever arrive. If he would call again. Every prolonged silence felt like a trigger, baiting the anxiety to come out of its hiding place and torment you. There was nothing you could do but harden the convictions you had tried to set for yourself.

Neil was just a friend. Definitely just a friend.

Well, it was good to have your friend back.

“Lucky you” ignoring the strange aftertaste that sentence left on your tongue, you snuggled against his side and asked “How did Canada go? Many inverted bullets?” sometimes, it still stung just how little you understood what his work entailed.

Sure, Neil has offered impromptu physics lessons and slightly extended explanations. And sometimes, you took him up on it, taking inexplicable amounts of pleasure from watching him gesticulate and light up when trying to make you understand how the laws of physics could be inverted. That gleam in his eyes whenever Neil had a chance to talk about something he was passionate about made it impossible to look away from him, drawing you in like a magnet. But maybe that was just Neil’s magic in general.

“Yes, but it was relatively calm. Just a stake out, really” sighing, Neil somehow pulled you even closer and rested his cheek against the top of your head, stoking the flame in your soul “I managed to fulfil the goal, so at least they won’t fire me” the chuckle rumbled through his chest, highlighting the insecurities dormant underneath.

Now and then, you could see them clearly like this. And each time, they made you frown. It made zero sense for someone so incredible to doubt himself. With a personal vow to never stay silent on the topic, you raised your head with a rebuttal prepared:

“Please. As if John would ever do that,” measuring Neil with a look that dared him to protest while also showing that you were not taking it seriously, you placed a comforting hand on his knee and squeezed.

You had abandoned the pretence that you could withdraw from intimate gestures of that kind a long time ago. The resistance was futile.

“You’ve met him once, Cupid” Neil’s wry smile broke through the attempt at seriousness, failing to convince you that he believed a word he was saying.

Because, yes, you might have met the boss once. But it was clear their bond was deeper than that. There was something profound in the affection they held for each other and in the faultless way they could communicate without ever saying a word. You wanted to understand it better but were still at a loss of how to ask. You worried that the simple: Neil, is John in love with you? -  would not quite catch it. Even though you were 90% sure it was true.

“Which doesn’t mean I haven’t seen him look at you with literal heart eyes” shrugging, you pointed out the bullshit in that flawed evasion and used your free hand to tip his head, so Neil had no choice but to meet your gaze. This type of sentiment necessitated eye contact, “And I get it. I do” it was easy to drop the mask and just let him see.

See how much you cared. See how important he was, nearly faultless in your eyes. A precarious position to be in, but no less coveted. Because your admiration was a rare thing, and Neil knew that as his eyes widened, instantly showing hints of vulnerability and uncertainty. They always made him look younger, less hardened by life’s experiences, and more like the self-proclaimed romantic Neil was.

“Truly?” the quiet eagerness in the single-worded question made you grin.

It was adorable that he still needed to ask.

“Madly and deeply, too” cracking a smile as Neil caught up with your joke, you leaned back on his shoulder and rested your head on his neck.

You already knew that a mistake was about to be made. You could feel the question settling on your tongue, impossible to swallow or ignore. You wanted to ask him.

And so, you did.

“I have a strange question…” admittedly, the preamble could have been more thought through.

Less menacing, perhaps. You could see Neil’s frown appear from the vantage point of your head, lying on his shoulder. He glanced down at you, clearly trying to foresee what you were going to say before he drew blank and replied:

“That’s the best starter. Shoot,” his hand covered yours, still resting on his knee as Neil tipped the coffee cup, downing the remains.

Right. You closed your eyes for a split second and took a deep breath, hoping against hope that it would do something to calm your racing heart. (It didn’t). As much as the idea was perhaps the worst one you had ever had (maybe except for sleeping with Neil that first night), it was something you wanted. And you were unable to deny yourself anything. Which more than once proved to be an issue.

“So, you’ve said you have the week off now… And I’ve booked a weekend trip to Skegness to see a different production of The Nutcracker for research” the words left your mouth in a rush, all melting into one another, barely intelligible and followed with a question as soon as you took another greedy inhale “Would you perhaps want to come with?” once it was done, you hid your face in the crook of his neck, nuzzling the collar of his leather jacket.

His scent permeated the material, calming you down a little bit. You chose not to examine that fact too closely. Or at all. But before you could successfully hide from him, Neil shifted so that he could gently raise your head from his shoulder and asked:

“Skegness? That sounds like a rash, dumb idea” his gaze calmly searched your face for something while a smirk tugged at the corner of his lips.

It was not like you did not know the idea was ridiculous. Resisting the urge to swat him, you rolled your eyes and shrugged. That was still better than an outright rejection. Despite the judgement and ridicule.

“It might be,” forcing yourself to maintain eye contact, you chose to add a vulnerable note to an invite that otherwise could have seemed thoughtless. It was as if you were asking for the sake of it, when instead you asked because you desperately wanted him to join “I just need to go somewhere” anywhere, in fact.

Anywhere but here. Because suddenly London felt too much like home. Too comfortable and familiar. But none of that needed to be said. Not yet, perhaps.

With Neil still refusing to drop your gaze, you fought the urge to turn your head away from him and allowed yourself to stare back. To be seen. After what felt like hours, he shot you a quick smile and took your hand to tangle your fingers in reassurance. It always worked.

“Well, as it happens, I love reckless ideas and bad choices” Neil’s grin widened as you sighed with pretend exasperation and glanced at the Jubilee map above his head to ensure you had not somehow missed your stop.

Fortunately (or not), you still had roughly two minutes to commit a dozen of fuck ups. More or less.

“Do you?” always devoted to the cause, you leaned in closer, stopping just a breath away from his face and slowly dropped your gaze to his lips.

By now, it was a reflex. Something you could barely control and never had to force. Only now, with your resolve to take a step back, very much crumbling but still there, it was much more destructive. An instinct, going against everything you tried to believe. Against logic. It took you another second to catch yourself and raise your head again, barely stifling a quiet gasp when you found Neil transfixed, too. The boundless depths of his blue eyes almost begged you to stop trying to fight the inevitable. Again. But you could not.

You should not.

“Quite,” the word left his lips in a whisper as you lurched back and stood up quicker than he could process the movement.

You closed your eyes against the uncertainty in his eyes and raised your hand in a silent wave as the carriage doors opened at Southwark. It was rude. It should not be done to Neil, of all people.

But it was the only thing that made sense at that moment. Or so you tried to tell yourself.

***

When Cupid randomly suggested a trip to Skegness over the weekend, Neil, for his part, did not even try to pretend he did not want to come along. It was a fact that later filled him with shame, proving that he could not separate himself from her to the point where he stopped trying. He did not need to ask himself whether his answer would have been different if she proposed Slough or Aldershot as a destination. He knew that it would not change a thing.

Although, perhaps, it should’ve.

But, if Neil was certain of one thing, it was that he was a masochist. Through and through. Because what could go wrong over a weekend trip with a woman he was absolutely not in love with? Nothing, surely.

An hour and a half into the drive up from London that he had heroically volunteered for, Neil had yet to question the decision. Swiftly changing the lanes on M11 to ensure they did not accidentally end up in Cambridge, Neil glanced at the passenger seat only to find her still deeply in slumber. The nap, excused by a confession that the past few weeks of intense rehearsals had been tough on her, happened after they had left Barking, and the traffic eased. Neil could not possibly find it in himself to begrudge her. Even though he had been left alone with nothing but her ridiculous playlist, filled with Euro hits and his thoughts. Both of which were not the best company a man could ask for.

Admittedly, the past few weeks, Neil was eager for anything that would distract him from the narrative his brain was desperate to thread. He could tell that Cupid was distancing herself, suddenly shying away from leisurely touches and moves that could lead further than an affectionate kiss on the cheek. And, despite countless attempts at ignoring this evident development, Neil could not seem to do just that. Instead, it was a thought that attacked at least convenient moments, sowing doubts upon doubts in his mind. If he were braver, he would have asked. But there was no bravery among the confusing thoughts and feelings, rendering him helpless in the uncertainty.

In those difficult moments, Neil could sometimes face the fact that he was 90% sure he understood what made her withdraw like that. He had seen it before, usually in the faces of fellow Tenet agents after a difficult mission or a close call. That hard but seemingly sensible decision not to pursue anything with someone with a lowered life expectancy. It was safer that way. A careful move to ensure one’s heart would not be broken because of the worst happening. A step back.

It was something Neil expected to happen just as much as he feared. Because there was nothing left to do but let her steer their relationship in the way she saw fit. Embarrassingly enough, he was just happy to be her friend.

In the traditional, non-fucked up way, that did not entail sex, that is.

Unfortunately.

And if that was part of why he jumped on the weekend trip without sparing a thought to the contrary, then it was no one’s business but his. There.

“Whereabouts are we?” the innocent question coming from the passenger side made Neil startle, instantly dropping the lid on the intrusive thoughts.

Stealing a glance at Cupid, Neil noted her mussed hair and bleary eyes as she blinked repeatedly, looking out the window. There was a certain degree of cosiness in seeing her like this - sleepy-eyed and comfortably existing in his space. Despite the uncertainty in his veins, Neil had to admit it proved that her trust in him was unwavering. The idea offered a sliver of comfort as he focused his gaze back on the road, answering her question:

“We’ve just passed Cambridge” her stifled yawn made him grin as Neil passed a slower car and changed lanes to avoid yet another slip road towards whatever the fuck Swavesey was, “You can go back to sleep. I can follow the nav,” another glance at the screen told him they were yet to get lost, which was a plus. Yet, still, it was better to manage expectations, “More or less,” a smirk made its home on his face as Neil stole another glance at Cupid, immediately noting her answering smile.

She looked almost radiant in the rare autumn sun as she stretched her limbs like a cat and twisted her body to face him more comfortably. Suddenly, Neil was very grateful for having a task that required his full attention. Anything was better than staring at her and losing his mind more with every passing minute.

“That’s encouraging” the sarcastic tone seeped through her voice as she settled in the seat and replied, “I might bother you for a bit now” Neil knew she meant it to be a threat.

Except that it was anything but. It was a promise of a distraction and a way to know her even better. Something he could not deny himself if he tried.

“Splendid idea” there was no point in hiding the affection in his voice. Even less so as he risked a relatively safe opener, betraying his sole motive behind the conversation, “How are you?”

It was one thing that none of the non-stop text exchanges ever covered. Sure, he would ask, but she would rarely answer. After some time, Neil concluded that Cupid was not keen on sharing her burdens. At least, not the ones that counted. The only times he succeeded were the face-to-face conversation when she seemed eager enough to open up. He could only hope this was one of those moments.

“Honestly?” thankfully taking his silence as an agreement, Cupid sighed before she let the words out, “I think I’m fine, but also that fear of self-sabotage is very much there, so…” she paused as if collecting thoughts to share. Neil patiently waited for her to continue. It was already promising, fulfilling the untold wishes he had for this conversation, “And sometimes I feel like my problems are so damn insignificant, it’s ridiculous” scoffing with frustration, she briefly turned towards the car window as if needing to forget about his presence for a moment to say what she wanted “But then I doubt you can relate” he frowned upon hearing the indirect jab. It was not vicious or spoken with malintent, but it felt wrong to consider himself somehow above her based only on his professional occupation. But before Neil could open his mouth to protest, she asked, “How does it feel to be saving the world?” the wistfulness in her voice matched the faraway look in her eyes.

But even that distant gaze was focused on him, ensuring that she wanted to hear an answer. It was enough encouragement to get him to share something honest. But not without righting a wrong assumption first.

“I wouldn’t go that far. But I know what you mean” carefully adjusting the speed to fit the limits of the motorway extending before them, Neil gathered the remaining bravery to share the thoughts no one else would be willing to hear, “Sometimes the shit I worry about seems so fucking stupid when I go to work and sit through hours of meetings discussing what could happen if we mess up” never quite able to stop feeling things long enough to speak words that were not impassioned, Neil swallowed past the sudden spike of anxiety at the thought and chanced a glance at Cupid.

She was always the perfect distraction. So utterly unwilling to pretend just for the sake of it. So true to herself that Neil frequently found himself consumed by jealousy at her bravery. Even though he knew she would disagree with his judgement.

“Which is?” now, she levelled him with a sober stare as the question brought him back to the present.

Neil did not need to doubt whether she wanted an honest answer. That much was written on her face and the sudden tightness of her features, bereft of humour. He must have done a good enough job introducing Tenet to her if she already understood the stakes with minimal information. It was both a blessing and a curse.

“Nuclear catastrophe. And that’s the best scenario” he could not help the weight of the words as they settled in the space between them, harshly contrasted by the Eurovision hits coming from the speakers.

If the topic were any lighter, Neil knows he would have laughed. But there was no space for laughter when faced with Cupid’s silence and the knowledge that he was the cause. If not for him, she would have been peacefully unaware of the dangers that could happen to their world if things ever went wrong. He was yet to determine whether it was a good thing that she now knew. If the moral weight added to his tally had been worth it.

“Damn…” Cupid closed her eyes as she let out a deep sigh and rested her head against the headrest, staring at the road ahead for a beat. The next time she spoke, humour had crept back into her voice. Neil knew it was mostly for his sake, “So, you better not fuck it up then, sunshine” she reached past the gear stick to squeeze his thigh and just as quickly dove into the tote resting by her legs, clearly in search of something. None of that whiplash could have prepared him for her next question, “Do you fancy crisps?” raising the crinkling packet from the bag, she offered him a bright grin.

Only the mischievous spark in her eyes told Neil she knew what she was doing. And that she knew she was successful in what she had envisioned. As always.

“Cupid-” a groan of frustration cut through a plea that was best left unsaid anyway.

Mostly because Neil worried if he did begin to express even an ounce of the things she made him feel, he would not be able to stop. He did not want to think about what would happen between them then.

Yet, still, he should have known Cupid would be relentless.

“What?” faux innocence permeated the question as she noisily opened the crisps and popped one into her mouth.

Neil was helpless against the wave of affection that spread through his chest.

“Nothing” shaking his head, he took a cautious glance at the nav before choosing how to answer the question. He knew there was no way in hell Cupid would accept anything less but half an honest reply. That much he could give her easily, “Sometimes I think you’re the penance gods sent me for being a menace to society,” fondness filled his tone as he chanced another look at her, immediately noticing her widening grin.

He had hit the jackpot. That was the type of compliment Cupid would consider the highest praise. Not peans towards her beauty nor poems about her grace. Those were never needed. It was another thing he liked about her.

Too much, probably.

“Is that a compliment?” as expected, she latched onto the praise with the hunger of a wolf, all sharp teeth and unbridled joy.

She seemed almost aglow with it. The warmth kept spreading through his chest like a firework. Neil was beginning to worry he would soon catch fire.

“Of the highest degree” a nod was the best he could offer as he shot her a quick smile, hoping Cupid understood he meant every word of that unconventional adoration.

Somehow, he knew that she did. She always seemed to know what he meant.

“Well, then you better repent” with her blinding grin turned towards him, she picked up the abandoned packet of crisps and extended it towards him.

Neil knew two things: 1) he had to take a crisp, or she would not give him peace, and 2) an undefined sense of balance had settled on his shoulders when they finished the peculiar conversation. Both realisations had led him to believe that, perhaps, this weekend would not be as much of a disaster as he worried.

***

It took you less than half an hour to complete a loop of the Skegness city centre. If it even was worth that label. It took another half hour of wandering around the pleasure beach, with its screaming children and blaring music, for you to develop a minor yet persistent headache. If you were to point fingers, you would blame the sudden, yet not unexpected, ‘Baby Shark’ appearance as you strolled past a nautically themed rollercoaster. An abomination, in fact.

Yet still, you were the only one to blame for this, having urged Neil to visit the town not even an hour after you had made it to the accommodation. The quaint, little holiday park was 10 minutes away from Skegness and seemed like a comfortable place for two nights. (Thank fuck for two bedrooms – was a thought you had but did not dare say out loud). But even the picturesqueness of the spot could not eradicate the tension building underneath your skin. That panic simmering beneath the surface, urging you to move, do something, anything at all, but stay in a tiny holiday house with Neil. Alone. Vulnerable to questions you could not afford to answer. At least not yet.

So, with no weapons at your disposal, you bated your eyelashes and offered a sweet smile, effortlessly convincing Neil to visit the town a day early. A choice you had now began to despise.

Supposedly, that had been your penance for being a coward.

Now, sat in the warm pub booth, waiting for Neil to pay the bill after your dinner, something he had insisted upon despite your protests, you were beginning to understand the depths of that punishment.

There was only one thing you could think of that would help. As soon as Neil returned to the table, the bill paid and a triumphant smile on his face, you extended the proposal:

“I saw an ice bar close just round the corner… Fancy a drink?” standing up from the booth, you wiggled your eyebrows and offered the most enticing smile you could muster.

Not that it was such a big deal. But ending this relatively taxing day with a drink sounded as close to perfection as one could get after everything that happened. You also hoped it would perhaps give you that necessary bout of bravery should Neil finally start asking the questions you expected.

Like why you haven’t kissed him for weeks.

You suppressed a wince at the thought before Neil could notice as his gaze settled on you with a slight surprise. After all, the plan had been to get food and an Uber back to the accommodation. And yet, here you were, changing your mind again. Except that Neil did not seem annoyed as he regarded you closely for a beat before asking:

“With like the ice sculptures and shit?” without waiting for an answer, he took your hand in his and tugged you towards the exit.

Grinning wide, you allowed him to lead you down the street as you tightened the hold over his hand and nodded.

“Mhmm” catching his side glance, you shrugged, throwing a random confession into the mix, “I’ve always wanted to visit one,” just so your sudden request did not seem so illogical.

Looking up to check the surroundings, you located the street where you spotted the sign and tugged on Neil’s hand to direct him towards it. Somehow, you knew he would not be putting up a fight about any of this.

“In that case… how could I refuse?” the humour in his voice widened your grin, and you forced yourself not to look at him until you were standing by the bar, vulnerable to any distractions.

As soon as your eyes landed on his beautiful face, you knew it had been the right call. With the sun long set and the clock tower nearby lit with a multitude of colourful lightbulbs, his golden hair had caught fire. As always, it was in complete disarray, half falling into his striking blue eyes, all so perfectly Neil that the affection in your chest could barely be contained. For a split second, not for the first time, you had considered breaking the rules you had set and surging forward into the kiss that seemed to be waiting just around the corner. But you couldn’t.

Instead, you took a tiny step back and shot him a smirk, falling back on what had never failed you before:

“I dunno… you could always tell me to fuck myself” even the joke felt somehow unsteady, tainted with the slightest catch in your voice.

It almost felt like an act of desperation.

But then, again, you supposed it was one.

“You overestimate my strength, Cupid” when you returned Neil’s stare, you found him smiling at you fondly, clearly not bothered by the sudden change of plans.

Before you could lose all sense of logic, you offered Neil a grateful smile and started towards the bar entrance.

Without any expectations, except for the need for an alcoholic drink and a curious place that would captivate your unbalanced sanity for a short while, you were sure this would be the perfect choice. As soon as you made it inside, paid the fee (this time, you did not let Neil get away with it), and donned the provided heavy coats and gloves, your assumptions had been confirmed.

The small room, guarded by a heavy door keeping the freezing temperatures intact inside, was lit with blue, purple and pink hues, all reflecting off the ice sculptures and the bar itself. As the cold hit your face and Neil closed the door behind you, you pulled up the hood and took in the surroundings, pleasantly surprised to have only one other party as a company. It was better that way. Easier to breathe and take time in soaking up the peculiar setting you had found yourself encased within. Your gaze flitted over the sculptures, noting their detailed artistry, and then towards the block of ice used as a bar, tended by two servers in their thermal attires. Without letting yourself think too hard about the instinct, you reached for Neil’s hand and led him towards the bartender, drink tokens at a ready. Reminded of one of the very first times you had met Neil outside of your Wednesday shared commute, you turned towards him with the drink menu in hand and offered a smirk:

“Will you do the honours?” seeing his hesitance, you took a step closer and leaned in, ensuring the rest of your intended tease would not be overheard by anyone else, “I remember you mentioned something about special talents… and I don’t mean the stuff you’ve done to me on your knees” delivering the punch with a teasing edge in your voice, you glanced at Neil just in time to see him burst out in laughter.

The complimenting blush tinted his cheeks as Neil hung his head for a beat, seemingly to compose himself, and then met your stare with a signature smirk.

“With such an invite, how could I not?” extending his hand for the menu with a flourish, Neil sent you a wink before he focused on the selection.

His furrowed brows drew you in as you leaned against the bar and let your eyes trace his features with concerning affection and detail. The blush on his cheeks has been overtaken by the flush caused by the cold, reaching as far back as the tips of his ears and nose. His blonde hair, backlit by the myriad of colours, made you itch to reach out and rake your fingers through the silky strands. Tightening the fist in your pocket, you blinked against the ridiculous thoughts and forced yourself to look away in search of any empty booth. At least you could be somewhat useful.

Wordlessly, you touched Neil’s shoulder to motion at the booth in a corner and started in that direction. Settling onto the bench (also made from ice, covered with a sheepskin), you let out an involuntary sigh. Considering the current situation was entirely your own doing, you did not feel like you had a right to complain. So, you didn’t.

Except in the quiet of your head, where no one else could hear or judge. Right now, as you watched Neil place an order at the bar, undoubtedly chatting up the bartender, there was only one complaint to be raised. A singular issue – you did not know how you were supposed to stay true to the limits you had set for yourself over this weekend. With his constant presence, it was getting increasingly tricky, and in those rare moments alone, you wondered how many more close encounters it would take until you snap. Until you say fuck it and cross the line once more.

The increasingly dire thoughts were interrupted by Neil’s approach, his smug smile telling you all you needed to know about the success of the endeavour:

“What did you get for me?” you watched with increasing curiosity as Neil set the glass (made from ice, naturally) in front of you and sat opposite you.

The light blue drink, decorated with a slice of pineapple and decorative snowflakes, had captured your attention without a fault. Before Neil could reply, you picked up the glass carefully and scrutinized it.

“Try it, and you shall see” the playful glimmer in his gaze drew out your uncertain smile as you raised the glass to your lips and took a sip, “So?” Neil leaned forward, seemingly anticipating your verdict so passionately that he did not even care for his drink, waiting to be tasted.

Admittedly, he had every right to be smug about it. The fruitiness of what you now recognized as Curacao blue liqueur mixed with coconut and rum filled your taste buds as you took another sip just after the first one. Whatever it was that Neil chose – it was perfect. You could tell he was able to read as much from your face as his grin widened. There was no point in holding back the praise, no matter how much you dreaded his ego inflating.

“Damn, you’re good at this” shooting him an impressed smile, you set down the glass and propped your chin on your hand, asking a question that had been long in the making, “How do you do it?”

You watched as Neil took a sip from his drink – some unidentifiable orange and red concoction – and raised his gaze to meet yours with a surprise in his eyes. Your question was not as apparent as you would have thought. A rogue thought appeared on the horizon, suggesting that perhaps you were the first to have ever asked him about it. You did not know why, but the idea made your chest tighten with pain.

To wash down the strange sensation, you took yet another sip of the drink and allowed the alcohol burn to do its thing.

“I suppose you can call it intuition. It comes in handy in intelligence taskforces, and if there are additional perks… Well, I don’t mind having an ace up my sleeve when it comes to wooing the ladies and gentlemen” closing the brief explanation with a telling half-smile, Neil seemed to drown his unwelcome thoughts in a drink as he avoided your eyes.

Only there was nothing in what he said that could have warranted your negative opinion. Nothing outside the realm of things you already knew or suspected. Nothing but facts that only made your affection for Neil grow. Ignoring the uncertainty, you stilted his fidgeting fingers with the weight of your palm as you decided to fall back on a trusted way that would get rid of the awkward pauses:

“So, is that your go-to seduction technique?” punctuating the question with a hand squeeze, you waited for Neil to raise his head before you shot him a smirk.

An open invitation to indulge in the conversation only the two of you could have. To stop overthinking confessions that changed absolutely nothing. You knew Neil understood the message when he returned the squeeze and met your gaze with his intense stare.

“One of them, yes” without backing away from the small-scale staring contest you had just entered, he flipped your joined hands over the table so that your hand was palm-up, covered with his.

You were definitely not against that development. Although, perhaps, you should have been.

“What are the others?” because a foresight was something you never quite grasped, you arched an eyebrow in what you knew Neil would read as a challenge.

Another permission to keep going. To repeat the patterns that had never failed you before. To allow the magnetism to do its job. Like you always knew it would.

“You know them all, Cupid” shrugging lightly with the answer, Neil glanced down at your joined hands, and you could tell that was the turning point. An idea had taken root in his mind, and all you could do was wait as he took off one glove with an almost perfectly smooth move. Your mouth parted in anticipation as Neil covered your hand again and slipped his fingers underneath the glove over your wrist. His fingers lightly stroked your skin over the pulse point as he looked up again, undoubtedly finding you entranced, “I’ve thoroughly seduced you,” the corner of his mouth quirked in the signature smirk.

He looked incredibly self-pleased. So much so that you briefly considered punching that smug look off his face. But then he would have ceased tracing circles on your skin, and it was not something you were willing to part with. Not yet.

So, you looked back at his outrageously beautiful face and said the only thing that made sense in the moment. A repartee handcrafted for the occasion.

“You’ve also thoroughly fucked me” dropping the tone a notch not to scandalize too many of the unfortunate fellow bar clients, you leaned forward so that your knee could bump into his underneath the table.

The sudden shock of warmth elicited by the simple contact was worth all the secondhand thoughts you evaded as Neil continued his meticulous caress and offered you a satisfied smile.

“Which I don’t regret, my dear” the endearment was highlighted with a tap of his finger against your pulse point.

You could tell he felt the thundering heartbeat underneath your skin. But the pause, strengthened by a meaningful look between you, kicked you into a mild panic. All because this was precisely what you were supposed to avoid. A line you were not supposed to cross ever again seemed to have almost vanished.

How had you managed to fuck up your resolutions so quickly and so spectacularly was beyond your comprehension. You stifled a wince as you retracted your hand from Neil’s tempting hold and picked up the glass with a half-smile ready:

“Cheers to that” without waiting for Neil to catch up, you downed the drink and relished in the burn it had left behind.

The pleasant buzz of the alcohol in your veins would hopefully be enough. At least enough to ignore Neil’s worried look as he finished his drink and wordlessly stood up to get the next round. You did not need to ask him for a repeat of the previous choice. He already knew.

You marinated in the realization until he returned to the table, sliding you the glass almost with resignation. As though Neil was upset that you had cut short the previous conversation. It was concerning that he had even noticed it happening.

Before you could find another topic to fill in the sudden silence, Neil asked the question that seemed safest, all things considered:

“Why Skegness?” an undertone of curiosity returned to his face as Neil leaned forward, seemingly eager to understand.

To know every single one of your thoughts, no matter how ridiculous. Or inexplicable. Admittedly, the whiplash of the two conversations, back-to-back, had you reeling as you took a deep breath and attempted to untangle the complex web of your mind to offer him something substantial:

“I think I just needed an escape, and this was the first thing that came up” shrugging lightly, you closed your eyes for a beat, gathering the courage to add more depth to the confession. With anyone else, you would not have felt the need to share, but for whatever reason, Neil escaped any bounds you had set up for every other relationship. You did not particularly enjoy dwelling on that fact for too long, “I know it doesn’t make sense, but sometimes I like to believe that if I leave London for a bit, maybe when I come back, the fears won’t be there anymore” with each word, you could feel the conviction waning, replaced by the crippling fear that Neil would find you ludicrous, not worth his time “Maybe in my absence, they too will disappear, and I’ll be able to start anew. Without burden,” there was something in his gaze as he held yours, not willing to let go even for a second, that made you continue, delivering the final notes of the confession with a resigned sigh “But then I know I carry them with me no matter where I go, so… It’s stupid” unable to withstand the weight of his gaze any longer, you looked down and picked up the glass to take a hearty swig.

The drink still tasted just as good as that first sip. But it barely eradicated the lingering shame, thriving in the silence. Sharing those most sincere and private thoughts was always complicated. Something you avoided unless you had no other choice. But for some unknown and terrifying reason, it was different with Neil. All he had to do was ask, and off you were, running your mouth like an idiot, spilling embarrassing confessions as though he needed to hear them.

And yet, somehow, Neil was undeterred. As though he wanted to know.

“It’s everything but stupid” as if able to hear your internal spiral, Neil bumped his knee into yours underneath the table to draw back your attention. Once you had begrudgingly complied, looking up at him with a pained expression, he continued, “A change of scenery, no matter how questionable or brief, can do wonders” despite yourself, you cracked a smile at the implied shade towards the lovely town you had found yourselves in. Neil’s resulting grin was a good enough reason to do so, “But the same goes for talking things over so… I’m here for you if you need me,” punctuating the sentiment with an affectionate smile, Neil met your gaze and once again extended his hand towards you, laying it palm-up on the table.

It was a clear message. One that you were free to ignore if you so choose. The trouble was that whether Neil knew it or not, there was no reality where you could deny him. Not now. Not with the alcohol buzzing in your veins and the recent memory of his touch on your skin. Now, you had no choice.

So, willfully ignorant of the blush on your cheeks, you met him halfway and allowed your fingers to rest in a loose tangle. There was no need to think about what the reply should be.

“Thank you,” offering a bashful smile, you took a deeper breath before allowing yourself to confess what he had not yet heard and what needed to be said, “You genuinely might be my best friend,” lacking the bravery to meet his gaze, you felt Neil’s fingers squeeze yours, forcing you to keep going “Which might be surprising considering how short we know each other, but… it just makes sense” as soon as the words were out of your mouth, you knew they were right. It made sense. Perhaps too much sense, at times. Like now, when you finally looked up to find Neil staring back at you with a curious look in his eyes. Unable to decipher it and not lose your mind in the process, you weakly gestured with your unoccupied hand at the space between you, strengthening the point “This makes sense,”

You did not want to think what would have happened if Neil had denied your bold statement right there and then. The following rejection would kill you long before shame or bad decisions ever could. Even if he would not mean it like that. That was the trouble with sharing confessions and the sincerest feelings – you never knew what you would get in return.

But before you could spiral further, feeling the familiar pull of anxiety make its way through your system, Neil squeezed your hand once more and replied:

“Yes, it does” the three words were filled with enough fondness and conviction to cut your ruinous ruminations short in a flash.

And, if just a moment later, they were replaced with another set of anxious thoughts, reminding you of lines you could not cross and inconvenient feelings that should never be present, then it was your business only. You buried them under pleasant discussions that filled the next fifteen minutes it took you both to finish the drinks and decide it was high time you left the bar. After all, catching a cold was not on the itinerary.

By the time you got up from the seat, it almost seemed like the tides of the conversations had turned for good. You had moved on past the worrying silences and tension between you, bursting with possibilities and disasters in the making.

Except that it was only an illusion.

Because as soon as you were both standing, Neil stilted. His gaze clouded once more with something you could not decipher, except that it was not something you had seen before. He searched your face for a beat, seemingly frozen in a decision you were not partial to. You got as far as opening your mouth to ask what was going on before Neil’s eyes focused, and he muttered the simplest of phrases:

“Fuck it,” he swore as he closed the gap between you and cupped your cheek to pull you in for a kiss.

As his mouth crashed against yours, all you could think was how much you had missed it. His taste filled your senses as you rose on your tiptoes to get even closer, throwing back the hood of your coat with the sudden movement. That first contact broke the walls you had tried to instil, and there was no holding back now as you moved your lips against his in a familiar dance. Neil’s hesitancy soon gave way to firmness as he confidently prodded with his tongue, urging your mouth to open and let him delve in. There was nothing you could do but comply with the unspoken request.

As soon as his tongue brushed against yours, you let out a quiet whimper, the sound lost between you, but you knew Neil heard it. He pulled you imperceptibly closer with his arm around your waist and groaned as though unable to hold back. It did not matter that you were in public. That you were making a scene. That the kiss should not have happened.

Still, after another beat spent blissfully kissing, the reality caught up, making you part with a sigh. Despite knowing better, you leaned back in to kiss him briefly, sealing the deal and resting your forehead against his. Just for a moment. Until you were brave enough to open your eyes and find Neil looking back at you like he always did. But where you knew he could see how shaken you were by the development, Neil appeared in control. Almost blissed out by what has happened. The sight gave you the necessary courage as you grasped his hand in yours and squeezed it, hoping to convey a simple message: I’m sorry.

It had to be enough for now. You swallowed past the anxiety and shot him a smile, hoping the daze would keep him from seeing the confusion in your eyes. Keep him from understanding how much you did not know what to do. How to act with the lines long crossed and no regret to be found in the depths of your heart.

***

Neil closed the sliding doors of the holiday house quietly and stepped off the wooden terrace to feel the soft grass underneath the soles of his shoes. This late, close to midnight, the holiday park was quiet, the silence only sometimes interrupted by a burst of louder laughter or a dog barking. He unfolded the blanket gathered from the pull-out sofa (and his designated bed) and placed it on the patch of grass. With a quiet grunt, he sat on the fleece cover and tipped his head up to look at the night sky. With his gaze slowly adjusting to the darkness, Neil could already tell the view was much better than he could ever find in London. Here, at least five miles from Skegness, it was possible to make out some constellations. Sure, it was still far from ideal, but it was something.

A good enough distraction from the fact that approximately four metres away, Cupid was showering and getting ready for bed in the bedroom. Briefly, she battled him on that, eager to claim the sofa as hers and offer him the bed instead. But Neil could not possibly accept that. The stubborn gentleman gene in his DNA, the same one that always insisted the lady must get off at least once before he would be able to come, was quite adamant on that front. So, without allowing room for discussion, he gently pushed her towards the bedroom doorway and ordered her to bed. She did not argue.

She did, however, insinuate that Neil could join her. For a moment, that is. Just long enough to ensure the aforementioned mutual orgasm and a brief respite from the tension. But, despite how enticing all of that sounded, he declined, somehow knowing that the kiss had not solved anything. It did not change her mind. It certainly did not suddenly untangle the complex knot between them. Sex would only make that worse. And while Neil was brave enough to take the first step, he knew this would have to come from her. Only from her. As an action instead of empty words. An active choice. Only that could break the impasse.

Well, either that or her outright rejection, sealing the deal on ‘just friends’ bullshit Cupid seemed set on. But, after tonight and the kiss she certainly did not reject, Neil did not quite believe that other option was still on the table. Sue him.

Sighing against the inconvenient recollections of how she whimpered when his tongue slipped inside her mouth, Neil reclined on the blanket and focused on the skies. It tended to do the trick, calming his mind on stressful missions and whenever life got too hard. There was something almost therapeutic about looking up at the stars and distant planets and being reminded of the insignificance of everything else. Of the vastness of the universe and how moments like this did not matter in the grand scheme of things. None of the heartaches and regrets held any importance. Not really.

Now, feeling the heavy weight of the day settle upon his shoulders, Neil stared at the inky skies as his eyes easily located the familiar clusters. The faithful Polaris was there, guiding him every step of the way. While it sometimes felt silly to admit whenever he was in the southern hemisphere, and Polaris was nowhere to be found, Neil felt untethered. As if something was missing and could not be replaced until he returned home. Other times, he was keen to admit that feeling was also something akin to insanity.

Sending an affectionate smile at both bears gracing the sky, Neil settled his gaze towards the west, locating his favourite neighbour within the solar system – Saturn. It shone brighter than any star, even this close to the Moon and dimmed by its light. It was close to the edge of darkness, likely to disappear within the half hour. But Neil knew that while the planet was still present, keeping him company, he would stay there. Thinking, resting, and letting the cold seep into his bones to remind him he was still alive.

Only like this, he could hope to process the evening and not make a mistake. Like knocking on the bedroom door and asking her to take pity on him. He knew she would. She would forget her inhibitions and do whatever he needed. But then, once the passion had burnt out and it was time to sleep on the sofa, Neil knew the regret would set and settle. No, that would not do at all. He had to be patient and let her realise this was meant to be. Just like she said – it makes sense. They make sense.

And not in the overly romantic version of the notion. That was not needed. He didn’t need that. He just needed her. As a friend, as someone he could be himself with. Someone who accepted him and sometimes even needed him. Even if only for a night.

Yes, that would be enough. It would be.

So, without letting himself get too ahead, Neil stayed on the blanket until Saturn disappeared from the horizon and the dew nipped at his clothes. Silently, he crept back inside the house and closed the terrace door, mindful of every move. From inside the bedroom, he could hear her quiet snores. The sound made him smile, swallowing the dangerous affection way down where it would not be found (until tomorrow) and turning off the lights he did not need.

This was enough.

[poipoi1912]

Carisi-centric thoughts on Ep 19x08

Here we go.

Disclaimer: I will try to remain objective. Be warned lol. My undying love for Barisi influences my fic, of course, but I try to analyze the actual episodes as realistically as I can. (if by “realistically” you mean “realistic-ish while always allowing for the possibility of Barisi)

Overall Thoughts

I really enjoyed the case. Even if we've seen it all before (wasn't there an episode with Kevin Pollack and an Eyes Wide Shut situation? Where he was a judge and he genuinely thought a woman wanted to be raped?). The double catfish element was sort of new, I guess. I did also like all the performances, even if the female perp was written in a stereotypical way. And I appreciated the guy's attitude, and the contrast between his appearance and his mild behavior, but also the contrast between someone seemingly sweet and someone who would act out a rape fantasy no questions asked, i.e. without making sure the woman was consenting, at least in person. I don't know if the writers intended that last part or if I'm reading too much into it, though.

That said, deep down I wish he'd had an attorney like Rita or Buchanan, because they'd never let him plead guilty and we'd witness another awesome trial about that aspect of the case (though I did love his actual lawyer, whom he did not listen to). Still, it's nice to see a decent if flawed person doing the right thing, SVU used to do that a lot in the early seasons. I believed that the guy was conflicted about it, at least, so that entire scene worked for me. I also appreciated that the victim's trauma wasn't instantly healed in the end. It felt more real. So the overall idea of the episode was solid (if unoriginal), and the execution was very good.

The Rollisi Corner

First thing I need to get off my chest: Sonny clearly bought coffee and breakfast for Amanda the morning after, hopefully to go with his apology, and then, when he saw the bartender leaving her room, he turned around and left and hE DIDN'T GIVE HER THE COFFEE??? OR THE FOOD??? Like she didn't deserve his croissants because she had sex with another guy? WHAT A DICK.

OK, onto my analysis.

The Facts

So, Sonny and Amanda get visibly drunk, they get in a bar fight which excites them both, because they enjoy punching people I guess (is that a thing?), and then Sonny tries to hook up with her, but Amanda awkwardly nopes the fuck out of there before hooking up with the guy she flirted with earlier. I'm with them so far.

There are multiple and equally valid interpretations for these actions. Maybe Sonny was vulnerable after his deleted break up, maybe he's been harboring feelings for Amanda for a while, maybe he was just hyped up after the fight and he wanted to casually let off some steam thinking Amanda would be up for that, maybe Amanda is open to that but didn't want to start anything while they were kinda drunk, maybe she was weirded out because she wasn't expecting it and she doesn't see Sonny like that, maybe she was unsure but horny, because that bar fight got her going, so she called that bartender, maybe she was really into the bartender and she had decided to sleep with him long before Sonny's proposition. Fine.

My problem starts after that.

In my view (which, going by the tags, is shared by many), Sonny should have apologized to Amanda the next day. For the drunkenness alone. For possibly making things weird between them. For getting caught up in the moment and hitting on her like that, instead of talking to her about his feelings (whatever they may be) or even (gasp!) asking her out. In fact, that's what I was expecting. That's how I thought they would get Rollisi going. By Sonny apologizing and Amanda jokingly saying she didn't want to "take advantage” of him in his drunken state, but leaving the door open for something in the future. Basically I was looking for a sweet interaction to show that Sonny has actual feelings for Amanda, as opposed to just wanting to sleep with her, and she's maybe willing to entertain that notion, just not yet. Neither of which happened.

Instead, the show chose to put a stop to it, before it even started. Instead, Sonny got jealous, and weirdly entitled if not territorial, and he started acting all petulant in front of a suspect, not to mention in the middle of the precinct, to the point where Amanda had to call him out on it. Of course I get why he would be hurt (and I was totally expecting some adorable sad sack moping lol) or even offended (because his fragile male ego couldn’t handle the fact Amanda chose to sleep with someone else), but why would he let that affect his working relationship with Amanda? Hasn’t he never heard of putting on a brave face? Has he no dignity? Conceal, don’t feel, Sonny!

My Thoughts

On one hand, I feel this could have been handled a lot better, by giving us a good idea about where their heads are at. Instead of leaving us totally wondering about their potential feelings, romantic or sexual or nothing at all, this could have been something heartwarming, something meaningful and consistent with Sonny and Amanda's prior supportive and friendly relationship. Like, imagine if he had sweetly tried to kiss her at her place, while making dinner. Perfectly adorable, and perfectly in character (and, yes, maybe a little too Hallmark, which I would have preferred over the soapy methods the writers chose to employ). And they could have still had that awkward "um, nope" moment afterwards, perhaps interrupted by Jesse crying or something.

Or, even in this random context (out of town, drunk, high on adrenaline), imagine if Amanda had sternly told Sonny to keep his feelings separate from the job, but also that she values his friendship and she needs some time because this is new territory for her (valuing a dude lol). That would have told us that there’s a real connection, as opposed to a simple possibility for a hook-up, if Amanda ever feels like it, and if Sonny’s ego isn’t too bruised to accept.

On the other hand, this is a heterosexual SVU relationship (the only type of relationship allowed apparently), and drunken messiness and awkwardness and weird aggression is the only way those seem to ever happen on this show (see Rollaro, Bensler). So I get it. I don't get why Amanda had to sacrifice (thankfully only) some of her progress (enjoying drunken bar fights? That's so S15 and it also made me miss Amaro, her OG bar fight sidekick) or why Sonny, a character who hadn't displayed similar traits, had to suddenly change to fit that mold. Then again, maybe the change was not so sudden. Sonny hasn't been Sonny in like 2 years 👀

I suppose I always thought that, if Rollisi were to ever start, it would be different by default. For Amanda's sake (and I've posted about this in the past). I thought it'd be about feelings, not misplaced lust. Like, not to diss Sonny, but he ain't no Amaro. "Unresolved Sexual Tension" doesn't quite work when Sonny is involved, you know? No matter how good he looks in a henley. Which was especially evident when Amanda flirted with that bartender. There was a clear physical component to that brief interaction. With Sonny, there was awkwardness. He tried to move in, Amanda pulled away, and he laughed it off like it was dumb of him to even try. No heat. But that's fine, too. I just thought a potential "moment” would take that under consideration. That sweetness.

I certainly wasn't expecting Sonny to make a move while drunk, and then suddenly get all passive aggressive, and then get rewarded for it in a weird "so you're telling me there's a chance" moment which did nothing to inform us of anybody's feelings, if any even exist. Especially considering his totally ambivalent expression in the end. Amanda has always been a straight shooter. And Sonny has always been respectful. Why not take advantage of their actual personality traits and dynamic, instead of writing in a contrived bar fight, a drunken almost hookup and the awkward aftermath? This is a little too blurry for me, and it just might suggest that the point of that side-plot was to show that Sonny and Amanda are not going to go there, at least not for a while. The hot bartender’s inclusion specifically, it was unnecessarily soapy (no reason why Amanda couldn’t just turn Sonny down and go to sleep), and it served no other purpose but to kill the momentum between them.

Speaking of, Amanda's whole "people have sex" speech kinda framed their situation weirdly. I'd like to think that her sleeping with someone wasn't Sonny's problem (it better not have been!). His problem was that he was confused, and possibly jealous, and self-conscious. So why did Amanda purposely choose not to address the real reason he was being annoying? Why did she act like Sonny was judging her out if some misplaced sense of morality? (By the way, I truly don’t believe that the show was suggesting that Sonny only has sex out of pure love and that's why he was judging Amanda in the year of our lord 2017. I have a different theory about that conversation.)

My Predictions

Is it possible that Amanda was trying to avoid talking about it altogether? Did she maybe want to cool things off, and twist the argument around, and steer Sonny toward a more manageable direction, one less uncomfortable for her?  “Don’t judge me” as opposed to “yes, I rejected you”? For the sake of their working relationship, since Sonny seemed fully intent on perpetually moping? Maybe she decided that acting like she might one day sleep with him was the best way to keep things cordial between them? If so, yikes. 👀👀👀

Personally, however, I choose to fanwank that Sonny was not so much petulant but moreso embarrassed, after a rejection which possibly forced him to reconsider is own behavior, and the reasons why he may have misread the situation. I also choose to believe that Amanda cleverly used teasing and joking as a more palatable way to set Sonny straight and to press pause (at the very least) on whatever almost happened between them, because she's not willing to go there, or else she would have done it.

Anyway. Let's see if and how this progresses. In about 15 episodes, if and when the show remembers this even happened. My guess is, that talk was supposed to end the awkwardness but also kill the "what if", and Sonny and Amanda are going to interact normally for the forseeable future.

Barba Thoughts

We sure got a nice amount of Barba this week (all things considered), and I sure loved it! I always prefer the episodes where police work only gets them so far, and they need a Barba assist to win the case. And this wasn't a rabbit out of Barba's hat, by the way. This was a legitimate interrogation. I loved seeing him so confidently getting the job done. It had been a while since we got a longer trial, and this case was interesting enough to sustain it, so I'm glad we got to see it. Raul was fantastic in that moment, by the way. As always. Selling that "compassion” while making it perfectly clear he didn’t believe any of the victim-blamey things he had to say to get Heather to crack? That was masterful. I love him.

The Barisi corner

"Tell Rafael not to worry" :D

Barba's sweet face when he saw Sonny :D

"Hey!" :D

Sonny's eager face when he delivered the slam dunk Barba needed, his eyes literally hanging off of Barba's lips, waiting for approval? :DDDD

Barba's joy because Sonny brought him something juicy he could use to win the case? :DDDDDDD

I love their love :')

Stray Thoughts

So Noah gets kidnapped by Sheila and we don't even get to see her twirl her mustache? Come on now! I want my money's worth. I sat through the boring grandma scenes, I'm gonna need to see Brooke Shields go full-on villain. I can't wait for the "reveal" that she has him.

Guys, is a bar fight, like, a good thing? Is it actually fun? Was I supposed to be rooting for anybody in that scene? I wouldn't know, violence just doesn’t do it for me.

Does anyone remember that Amanda has a kid (a toddler, by now? I think?). Are they really sending her to spend the night in West Virginia without anyone offering to cover for her? I guess that's what happens when you're short-staffed and Fin gives zero fucks. Still, they could have at least let Amanda mention having to get an overnight baby sitter, or even say something like “I love my kid, but it’s fun to remember what it was like when I was carefree” etc. Does Jesse even exist anymore, or is Noah the only child in the Tri-state area now?

Barba's hair!

Sonny in a henley!

Cauliflower ear! Nice attention to detail.

Brooke Shields is a good actress. I enjoy her scenes with Benson, Mariska is really good in them as well. I just wish the writing wasn't so trite.

This was yet another episode where a psychiatrist would have been useful. Heather didn't look like she was all there. I was waiting for Huang to pop in and suggest she wasn't competent to stand trial.

The sleazy defense attorney handing Benson his business card was a flawless character moment. Straight out of the early seasons.

Sonny: These influencers are the voice of Gen Z

me: please stop

Fin: Don't people know porn's free these days?

me: i love you

Fin: I'm allergic to West Virginia

me: I LOVE YOU

[ramblingguy54]

Edalyn Clawthorne: A Loner Created Through Tragedy

     Seeing what happened to Edalyn’s father in Knock Knock Knockin��� on Hooty’s Door greatly explains why she looked so saddened by Lilith talking about hanging around their dad more by Keeping Up A-Fear-Ances conclusion. She harbors a lot of guilt in scratching his face up badly from years ago. After an incident like that for someone around an age that young in their life definitely contributed to Eda’s resolve of keeping herself away from others not just solely because of her own ideals about magic and how to properly use it, but also to prevent more people from getting badly hurt because of the owl curse, too. It’s sad to look back on what Lilith said to her mother, “Mom, I heard you, but I couldn’t stop myself.”, because that’s exactly what Eda went through when she attacked her dad. 

     No matter what her father could’ve said it wouldn’t have reached Edalyn, due to not having much experience with controlling the curse at that time. The amount of guilt running through Edalyn’s mind after coming back to her senses must’ve been unbearable as Hell. It’s already bad enough when hurting random people under a nasty spell, but to injure someone who helped bring you into the world? Anyone would want to put a large gap between themselves after such an awful experience of this magnitude. Season 2 of The Owl House has been doing a lot of great things in its story, such as showing more of Eda’s vulnerability being the point of my post I’d like to delve more into about.

     Eda’s development of opening up emotionally more in Season 1 was certainly good, however we didn’t get a real look into what makes Edalyn who she is as a whole. Season 2 has been allowing more in-depth exploration about why she guards herself as frequently as possible from others. It isn’t a matter of, “I like being a loner, who lives by their own rules about how our world operates.”, rather it centers around, “I’m a bad influence and don’t want to hurt others I care deeply about, or even possibly could grow to, because of my cursed affliction.”. Gwendolyn stating her curse was something that should be cut it out if need be certainly didn’t help in contributing to Eda’s loner nature she develop onward. These moments made her feel ashamed as if she didn’t deserve to be apart something greater like a family, having friends, or finding her own respective lover to boot.

     Eda’s long amount of solitude made her into a more powerfully independent and capable person, magically speaking, but it came at a serious cost of something important, one’s own self-esteem. The curse stunted Eda’s emotional growth for a very long while in having to take up the mantle of being unable to face her fears head on. Even in spite of her lesson to Raine about not running away from your own demons, the saying of practice what you preach rang unfortunately true here. Edalyn has been a very closed off person for so many years, where the idea of having to present yourself to someone else, warts and all, scared this witch away into living in seclusion at her Owl House. Despite gaining a family eventually through Luz & King, Eda never told them about her curse until it happened, wasn’t big on showing affection, and struggled with teaching Luz consistently in a good chunk of Season 1.

     Eda’s biggest challenge to overcome has been actually letting people into her life which costed her a healthy social lifestyle, became distant toward the Clawthorne family tree, and resulted in Raine calling off their romantic relationship. They were tired of Eda’s distant attitude in not being able to commit emotionally with expressing more of her compassion, vulnerability, or love either. This is something problematic Eda’s Requiem did explore too when King wanted to speak with Eda, yet she kept on either changing the subject last second, or made up a convenient excuse to hold off on discussing this matter. Edalyn was afraid of change because she had finally become used to King being around for so long. Knowing Luz would have to leave inevitably hurt already, so now finding out King possibly wanted to go find his actual father and stay there with him instead scared Eda outta her mind in facing a reality without the both of them. 

     Change is a word for Eda that’s a thing she never wants to hear. It’s why she makes the decisions that went on to define her serious solitude. Eda is used to being alone without having to rely on much of anyone else, but that doesn’t mean she obviously has enjoyed it, either. Edalyn only lived in seclusion because she thought it was necessary for safety reasons not outta love for a hermit lifestyle. The tragedy of Eda’s personal background is she allowed this curse to rule over her life for those three decades. Now, to be fair, Gwendolyn contributed to Eda’s baggage with viewing her curse as a disgusting attribute does indeed share the blame here in these events, but regardless Edalyn made unwise decisions she clearly regrets. The biggest ones being not letting anyone, as seen with Raine, get closer to her and avoiding changes to a status quo in Eda’s complicated life. What happened to Eda’s dad was obviously not her fault whatsoever, as it was entirely out of her control. However, Eda’s choice to live in seclusion away from many, make things impossible for a healthy honest relationship work with Raine, and running away from King’s possible separation in Requiem’s story paints a different picture on Eda’s loner nature. 

     Eda may try to carry herself as this loner with a sassy attitude, but it’s all just a facade to mask deeper issues of self-esteem, loneliness, and regrets. I find it so beautiful in how she didn’t want Luz running away from her feelings to Amity because she didn’t want her to make the same mistake, like what happened with Raine. Eda let her fear of commitment get to herself and it caused nothing but a mountain of regrets, so she’s correcting this flawed mindset through helping Luz & Amity’s romance. Like, real talk, the way Owl House has explored LGBTQ+ has been simply excellent in building organic romances with Luz/Amity & Eda/Raine, but still giving important development to their characters in making sure their sexuality isn’t the only defining trait they have. That’s been like a pet peeve of mine when incorporating representation for this community of people. I’m all for seeing this kind of equality in fictional entertainment, but don’t make this the only thing that defines their characterization as a whole and Owl House totally understands this about using LGBTQ+ related content.

     Season 2 of Owl House has been greatly expanding upon Eda’s emotional dilemmas around her curse, which I love as it deepens this character’s motivations on bettering herself. Edalyn has become a super relatable mentor figure in these recent episodes taking time to showcase the complexities of Clawthorne’s family dynamic being shaken by Eda’s curse and how she finally comes to term with it here in Knock Knock Knockin’ on Hooty’s Door. Rather than viewing it as a monster to be afraid of, Eda is viewing this creature as another living thing deserving to be treated as an equal and not a threat thanks to the help of those elixirs she drinks on a daily basis. I thought Knock Knock Knockin’ on Hooty’s Door would be a serious comedic breather, but instead it gave us more insight on this cast of main protagonists. Edalyn’s backstory revelations were such an amazing surprise, as I didn’t think we’d be getting to see her father this soon and what caused a big rift between the two, as well.

Knock Knock Knockin’ on Hooty’s Door exceeded my expectations in more ways than one. Season 2 of The Owl House has been continuing to impress me. 

[animatedrapture]

[ say it back ! ]

word count: 1.6k

(listen so it breaks your heart better 🤩)

it has always been in the back of his mind, always nagging at him as it sat there, suppressed. it was that nagging in the back of suna's head that constantly pushed him to become more affectionate than he probably should be towards you.  that you loved him and you meant every word of it.

in the very back of his head, way farther than this, is the fact that he loved you too—of course. of course he did. it was just that it confused him out of his own wits just what kind of love it was. it was confusing because the two of you always has been like this, close—so close; and if there's anything about you that he was afraid of, it's the possibility of getting his feelings mistaken for something more than just really good friends—because fuck, the rift that would create between your friendship was something that couldn't be mended so easily, if it could be mended at all.

but it was as if the universe has decided for him already as he listened to kenma explain what was going to happen in the stream, that it was time he finally faced it.

oh but what if she doesn't win even once?

huh.

but you will, he thinks. you'll win, because that's just who you are. you make things happen like brighter days in his eyes or warmth in his chest all over, you make things happen like your eighteenth birthday and falling in love with your best friend.

that's when it happens, the silence and wide eyes, the look your friends gave you as it slowly sunk in that you did. you won against kenma.

see? you make things happen like that. like making his heart hammer against his chest because again, fuck, what does he do now?

but you looked so beautiful even through the screen, your eyes wide and sparkling in such an awestrucking way, smile bright and cheeks slightly flushed it almost made him dizzy. you looked so happy that the words of tsukishima just earlier rings through his head, "as if he'd reject you."

yeah, as if he'd reject you.

🍒

it dawns to suna later in the night as he tried to fall asleep; that of course, it's been right in front of him the whole time. he loves you. he didn't know when it started but he knew he loved you three years ago when he had you in his room on your eighteen birthday; he loved you when he placed a kiss on your forehead during graduation as his mom captured the moment, a picture that sat on both his room and yours back home; he loved you when you helped him move his things where he is now, two floors above your apartment; he loved you in every match he had that you never failed to show up in; he loved you every moment you had slept in his arms.

🍒

suna stood in the lobby of the building, waiting for you with one of his hoodies in hand because he just knows you'll be too agitated to remember that it's early, and it's cold. the elevator dings, it's been about twenty minutes since he'd agree to meet with you. ah, and you're chewing on your bottom lip, you're anxious—but he is too.

he watches you realize how cold it is as you walked towards him, eyebrows furrowing together and your arms moving to wrap around yourself. when you're standing in front of him, he shoves his hoodie to your face and you think, ah, of course he knows. he wasn't your best friend for years for nothing, after all. he waits for you to slip it on and soon enough, you're drowning in his scent and the hoodie that was obviously too big for you as the hem reached just above your knees.

he has his hand resting on your back as you both walked towards the cafe.

you place your phone down on the table the moment you collect yourself. every inch of your movement felt watched—how couldn't you feel like this when you're being subjected under suna's sharp and observant gaze?

it takes all the will inside your chest to even look up and meet his eyes, and the moment you do, his eyebrow shoots up. it should've been more intimidating than this, you think. you've seen other girls in high school be on this end of suna's gaze as they confess to him, hoping for even a glimmer of chance; but that's what makes you different right now. right now—yes, you can feel the intensity from his mere gaze but it's not the same, his eyes looked... warmer. so much warmer than the one you saw so many times back in high school. each one you've watched always with some kind of ache in your heart as you hoped he wouldn't accept their confession.

suna just looked like he was patiently waiting, coaxing you to finally say it with your own words. so what else would you choke on your words for? when he's looking at you like that, like you can open yourself inside and out in front of him. so you try to speak. that is—you try.

but your mouth turns dry and suddenly you forget how to produce sounds with your own voice and then you hear him sigh; he sighs because he knows.

you start to panic when he started to get up from his seat across from you, and you think, oh god im fucking this up, aren't i? but it vanished just as quick as the thought surfaced in your mind when you see his hand held out to you as he stood beside where you were seated and you take his hand, of course.

there was no one you trusted more than your best friend, suna rintarou, after all.

much to your surprise, suna leads you back to your building. well, yours and his building. his hand that clasped yours from the cafe all the way now, in the elevator where you stood and waited til it reached his floor, provided so much warmth; it was as if he was telling you everything was going to be okay.

still, you wonder, why is he taking me to his place after i heavily failed a confession?

"c'mere and sit on my lap," is the first thing he says to you after you enter his apartment and walked to the couch—and you swore you almost choked on air just then.

you wear your emotions clear as day, so when you gape at him, eyes wide as saucers as you stood in front of him, his hand still clasped with yours, he only tugs you lightly with a roll of his eyes.

"c'mon, princess," he continues, watching you carefully. he wonders a little, you tell him on a daily basis that you love him, you sit on his lap to cuddle during movie nights with the miya twins even when he protests, you've teasingly flirted with him without an ounce of hesitation all these years.

why are you acting so bashful all of a sudden?

so he sighs again, really, you're the only one he'd work this much for. he spells it out for you, "you said it made you feel safe, right? you can tell me here, even hide your face all you want."

there's that familiar sparkle in your eyes right then, and a smile tugs on the corners of your lips that you can barely hold back; because that was suna rintarou right there, the one you knew and the best friend you've had for years. the one who always knew when and how to use even the most minuscule things he knew about you.

so you give in. nevermind that you've embarrassed yourself to him after finding out that this whole time, he's watched all of kenma's gameplay videos, even the ones with you as kenma's guest where you somehow manage to bring up suna no matter how only very slightly related an information in the game is to him.

most importantly, nevermind that you won a game against kenma kozume himself just to finally decide that it's time for you to confess to suna rintarou—this time where you make sure he knows you're serious and you aren't just teasing him with i love you's or that you're only saying it as a friend.

sure, suna always knew you weren't just playing around. that no matter how lighthearted or half-assed you've said it before, you meant it; it's only that those words would always be taken far away to the back of his head like ocean waves, drowned by the decision three years ago where both of you promised not to cross that line.

along that promise, all the times you've teased him, and how you've thrown around the three little words a little too many times, you've convinced yourself that maybe he just doesn't take you seriously anymore on the matter.

you bury your face into suna's chest, hearing the rhythmic ba-dump ba-dump of his beating heart, and you think it skips every random moments, but maybe you're just imagining things. you sat on his lap and he holds you like he always does. yes, this does make you feel safe.

before you can choke on your words again or forget to breathe, you finally say it.

"i'm so very painfully in love with you, rintarou"

and yes, he loves you. he loved you so much it was painful, too.

ah, but, was that love enough to risk such an anchor-like friendship?

《 masterlist || next 》

[fourteen: elusive redamancy]

fun fact:

🍒 suna rintarou did not say it back.

taglist: open

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[dessarious]

What Makes a Family? Pt9

AO3   Beginning   Previous   Next

Before Marinette could even try to explain Luka opened the hatch with an apologetic look.

“Sorry to interrupt Melody, but it looks like Alya’s been Akumatized again.” She could only let out a tired sigh. It was never good when Hawkmoth did back to back Akumas

“Maybe she finally listened to me about Lila.” Alfred was giving her a concerned look and she realized how monotone she sounded. She really hoped Adrien just sat this fight out, she wasn’t sure she had the energy to keep him in check right now. “Tell the others to come up.” Luka shot a look at Alfred and she sighed. “I trust him and my instincts tell me that he’ll be a necessary ally.” Luka just nodded and went back down. He knew better than to question her impulsive decisions. Alfred was giving her a calculating look and she just offered a small smile.

“Miss Marinette, I came here to let you know your father would like to have a relationship with you, not to invade your privacy.” She actually laughed at that.

“It’s not invading if you’re invited Grandpa Alfie. Knowing about my father's second life, and the likelihood that my twin is about to get far more involved here, you’ll find out eventually. Granted I would have rather eased you into it a bit more.” The hatch opened again and Alfred was once again subjected to Chloe’s glares. They really needed to have another talk about how she reacted to threats. Everyone else filtered up except her Papa, and Marinette was on the receiving end of one of her Maman’s half worried, half annoyed glares.

“Marinette I don’t think this is a good idea. You just met the man. Surely you can give it some time to make sure he’s actually trustworthy.” She found it far more amusing than she probably should have that Alfred was nodding along in agreement. She knew she was right about him, no matter that he seemed to think she was insane as well.

“He’s part of my luck shifting Maman, I can feel it. I don’t expect you to understand and I’m sorry if you think I’m being hasty, but I know I’m right. Now I’d appreciate it if you’d take Grandpa Alfie downstairs to watch the news and answer any questions he has while we go deal with this. Please Maman.” She looked like she was going to argue but ended up blowing out a frustrated breath.

“You’d better be right about this.” Marinette could hear the strain in her voice. Finding out she was Ladybug had been hard on her parents. Finding out she was the Guardian was worse. But she was certain letting her continue with minimal interference was eating away at them. They wanted so badly to help, but she couldn’t trust that they would follow her directions in a fight even if she could find compatible Kwami. Her safety, not Paris, would always be their primary goal. As much as she loved them for that it was a liability against Hawkmoth.

“Everything will be alright Maman, you’ll see. You’ll at least be happy that Alfred told me some things that mean Chat will be losing his Miraculous sooner rather than later. Everyone ready?” She watched her team nod before they all transformed. Alfred’s eyes widened slightly, but that was the only sign of his surprise. She was a little worried about what he must go through on a daily basis that four teens turning into heroes was just one more thing. “We’ll talk more once we get back.”

“I look forward to it Miss.”

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alfred followed Mme. Cheng back down to the living room. The only thought that would form properly was that Bruce would never have a normal child. He was a little worried about how the man would react to the magical nature of his newest addition. That worry was nothing to the fact that Miss Marinette had already had a run in with the League of Assassins. The trauma that radiated off of her would certainly fit right in with everyone else though.

“What did my daughter mean about you telling her things that convinced her to take Chat’s Miraculous?” He wasn’t quite sure what to make of her accusatory tone.

“I’m honestly not sure Madam. I have a feeling we’re both missing pertinent information to figure that out.” The woman let out an amused hum.

“Most likely. Marinette processes things differently than most so following her train of thought is near impossible. The fact that she tends to start talking out loud in the middle of a thought doesn’t help either.” He couldn’t wait to witness a conversation between her and Master Tim when he’d been awake for a few days. When they reached the bottom of the stairs M. Dupain was glowering at him from the couch.

“What are we doing with him?” The threat was obvious but Alfred knew he was just worried about his daughter.

“We’re going to turn on the news so M. Pennyworth can see his first Akuma attack in relative safety.” The man paled at that announcement and Mme. Cheng went to sit next to him. “Mari asked us to answer any general questions. We’ll put it on mute so you don’t have to watch or listen to the fight.” M. Dupain nodded but still looked like he was going to be ill. As they turned on the TV Alfred reclaimed the seat he’d been in earlier.

“I take it you don’t normally watch these altercations then?” They both shook their heads and M. Dupain was staring at the ceiling when he answered.

“I wasn’t fond of seeing it before we knew who Ladybug was. Now I just can’t stand to see the damage she and the others take in every fight. It was one thing to know that the heroes were young, it’s completely different knowing I can’t protect my own child.”

“If you didn’t know about it, how exactly did she end up with these powers?” While he was glad they hadn’t been complicit in turning the girl into a superhero, it brought up a whole host of other concerns and questions.

“That’s something you’ll have to ask Marinette. We’ll give you any widely known information but she’ll decide how much you need to know otherwise.” Mme. Cheng’s voice had a hard edge but it sounded more like frustration at the situation than at him specifically. He just nodded before turning his attention to the TV. He was just in time to see Ladybug being thrown through a brick building. As the fight continued even he began to feel a bit nauseous.

AO3   Beginning   Previous    Next

Ko-Fi

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[sierraraeck]

One More Night

Spencer x GN! Reader

Masterlist | Series Masterlist

Summary: Spencer stays in town after the case to try and convince you to give him one more night, and one last chance, to change your mind before marrying another man. Part two.

Category: Fluff with some angst because apparently I can’t write anything without it.

Warnings: Cussing. Quick mention of normal CM stuff. Suggestive content.

Word Count: 7.7k

A/N: Inspired by the song “One More Night” by Maroon 5. If you wanna give that a quick listen, go for it, if not, that’s chill too. Also, I tried to make this gender neutral, but if I did not, please let me know what I need to correct.

What you had feared finally happened. The floodgates had opened. Not just opened, but blown apart, letting the roaring water take over, sweeping away everything in its path. Potentially including the nice life you’d just created for yourself.

And to Spencer’s credit, he was very persistent.

You walked away from that hotel room in a mess of tears. Telling the man you’d loved for years that you can’t be with him was an emotional load you were not ready, nor willing, to carry. It took you the entire car ride, the long way home, and two extra loops around your neighborhood before you felt calm enough to go inside and face Jordan.

Jordan.

The endearing, handsome, smart, loving, and appreciative man you were set to marry in just a couple weeks. And now you felt like a terrible person who didn’t deserve him because of this Spencer problem, and your sort of emotional cheating. Not to mention the kiss. Which you let happen. But you did pull away right? You did reality check the situation and you did walk away. That counted for something, right? You chose Jordan.

You pulled into the garage, and with one final deep breath, you walked into your small, but cozy, house. The smell hit your nose before anything else, and you knew before having to enter the kitchen that he was making his famous lasagna and homemade garlic bread. God, he spoiled you sometimes.

“Wow, would you smell that,” you said with an exaggerated breath in, dropping your bag and shoes at the door.

“Atrocious, isn’t it? Good thing I’ve gone noseblind by now,” he turned around as you approached the kitchen, giving you a sweet, welcome home kiss. “You didn’t eat, right? I knew you were going out with that old friend of yours, but I couldn’t remember if that was for food or just - hey, everything okay?”

You tried to hide the slight panic from your voice when replying, “Yeah, I’m fine. Why?”

He shook his head, “Uh, I mean, your eyes just look a little puffy that’s all.”

“Oh, yeah. It was a bit of a rough day today,” you admitted.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Did something happen with that friend of yours?” he questioned.

Yes. “No, not like that.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really. How was your day?” you asked. He launched into a story about how the new girl at work couldn’t seem to get anything right, and how he questioned if she even actually went to law school or not. You assured him that she’d get better with time. Everything gets better with time. Right?

You let him finish his cooking and the two of you sat down together for dinner, talking about work and friends and then he brought up wedding planning. Which you weren’t really in the mood or mindset for. And to make matters worse, he had to go and get all sweet on you.

“God, I can’t wait to get married. Sometimes I still wake up and can’t believe it’s real. I choose you, for the rest of my life, and I can’t wait until you officially choose me too. I hope you know that,” he said with a twinkle in his eyes.

He could always make you feel better, even when you didn’t feel you deserved it. “I do know that, and I love you, Jordan. So much.”

# # # # # # # # # # # # #

When you woke up, you felt much happier than you did the night before. Jordan was everything you wanted and more than you could hope for. Spencer was going back across the country to his job, and you were going back to yours.

Or at least, that was the plan.

When you arrived at work, you walked toward your office only to be frantically stopped by one of the interns who was currently under your supervision. “Uh, sorry to bother you, but there’s someone waiting for you in your office.”

“What? I didn’t forget a meeting did I?” you panicked.

“Oh, no, this is just some random guy. He told me he knew you and I couldn’t really stop him from coming in,” she said.

“O-okay. Thank you,” you said, and brushed by her, your curiosity driving you to your office even before you stopped for your morning coffee. You practically threw open the door and froze in your tracks.

That was not just some random guy waiting for you in your office.

“What are you doing here?”

Spencer looked up at you from the chair across your desk that usually seated clients or co-workers. “Sorry for showing up out of the blue. Can we talk? I brought coffee.”

He gave you a small smile and gestured toward the cup sitting on your desk. Can we talk? That’s always a good sign.

You snapped out of the frozen state you’d been in, shutting your office door and crossing the room to sit in your chair. You took a long sip of your coffee under Spencer’s watchful eye. “What can I help you with?” You did everything in your power not to sigh.

“No, nothing like that,” he said, breaking you out of your attorney-client attitude. “I just - I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.”

You didn’t know what to say to that, so you just looked at him, inviting him to continue. Luckily he did, breaking the silence, “I know that you have something with Jordan-”

“-we’re engaged, yes,” you corrected him. It wasn’t just ‘something.’ It was a serious commitment.

“Right. You and him are engaged, and I know that there isn’t much I can do or say, but I’m asking you to give me a chance.”

“A chance for what?” you questioned. You were confused, and tired of being so considering you thought you’d just passed the only bit of confusion you would experience.

“A chance to change your mind. To make sure that you are making the right decision,” he stated.

Your mouth was hanging open. Is he seriously asking me on a date right now? “Spencer, I am making the right decision. And are you asking me out?”

“I guess so. And if you are making the right decision with Jordan, then this should change nothing. If by the end of it, you feel nothing for me and you know that you want to be with Jordan for the rest of your life, then I did everything I can, and I know you are happy. But if that is not the case, and you still have feelings for me too, then…” he trailed off, followed by a sigh, “All I’m asking is that you give me one more night.”

“You are asking me to cheat on my fiance.”

“No, I am asking you to give me one more night, one more chance, to change your mind.”

He stared at you with intense eyes, searching yours for an answer. You sat there, trying to process everything that was happening, weighing your options. I can’t do this, right? It’ll basically be like going on a date when I’m about to get married. But he did say that if I’m confident in Jordan, which I am, this won’t change anything. And it won’t. If he needs this to know that he did everything he could, to give him some closure, what’s the harm? It won’t do anything except give him some piece of mind. I’ll do this for his benefit. And how bad could just one night be?

“Fine,” you said, and his lips immediately turned up, “I’ll be out of here by six, hopefully.”

“I’ll be waiting for you,” he said simply, getting up to head towards the door.

“You’re not going to tell me where we’re meeting?”

“No. It’s a surprise. I’ll pick you up from work?”

You let out another sigh, but tried to cover it with, “Alright.”

He shot you one last smile before exiting your office, and you couldn’t help but return it. But only a little bit.

# # # # # # # # # # # # #

You were expecting yourself to dread the end of the day, knowing that whatever happened tonight wouldn’t end well, but in spite of yourself, you were actually looking forward to it. The day couldn’t go by fast enough actually, and you were out of the office the moment the clock hit six. You quickly sent Jordan a text explaining that you were very busy with work, and would have to stay late. You felt guilty lying to him. He deserved your honesty, but he also deserved your undivided love and attention, which you knew you couldn’t give him until this was put to rest. Telling him about some stupid little one-time ‘closure’ thing for an old flame before you got married was not what he needed to hear. So you slowly descended the stairs to the lobby, and reminded yourself: This is for Spencer’s benefit, it won’t change my mind, I’m only giving him one more night, and that’s it.

You reached the lobby and looked around for that fluffy head of hair you knew had to be there somewhere. Then you felt a small tap on your right shoulder, and turned in that direction. The moment you noticed no one was there, you knew what was going on. You rolled your eyes as you dramatically turned to your left and huffed, “I hate you.”

“Or so you claim,” Spencer said, beaming. He could always get you with that one, no matter how many times he did it to you. It was infuriating, but somewhat endearing to see his goofy smile every time you fell for it. “You never learn.”

“Yeah, because no other normal person does that to people on a regular basis,” you defended.

“(y/n), when have we ever been normal?” You raised your eyebrows. He had a point.

He ushered you out of the building and toward the parking lot. “Where are we going?”

“I told you. It’s a surprise,” he said, opening up the passenger side door for you.

“Spencer, you don’t have to-”

“I want to. Please, (y/n), let me do this for you.” With that, you got in the car, and surrendered your evening to the whim of Doctor Spencer Reid.

Now, you knew California pretty well. Grew up and lived there your entire life. Yet, somehow, wherever Spencer was taking you was in a direction that was unfamiliar, and what you could grasp at around you didn’t point to some destination spot that you would consider a ‘destination spot.’

Thirty minutes in, and the scenery looked as though you were headed to the woods, which didn’t make sense since that was not at all Spencer’s scene, and it made you realize you were probably inappropriately dressed in your work clothes. You gave Spencer a questioning side eye, and you saw him suppress a smirk. Only a couple minutes later, the trees cleared a bit, revealing a charming little town. And by little, you mean little. Like a total of ten or so establishments little.

Spencer moseyed on over to a white box of a building with a glistening sign reading “California’s Best Italian.” You gave Spencer yet another look when he parked the car, but he still didn’t offer you more than a small smile. As you both got out of the car, you rolled your eyes and skeptically asked, “California’s best Italian, huh?”

“Only the best for you,” he replied. He saw the seriousness in your eyes and assured, “It is vastly underrated, trust me.”

So you did just that, walking into the building with Spencer. The entire dining room, which was surprisingly bigger than you’d imagined from the outside, was empty. The hostess waiting at the front door smiled at the two of you, and led you to an already set table. It had all the classics: white table cloth, candle light, a few roses in the middle, two awaiting glasses of champagne. It was cliche as hell, but nevertheless stunning. As you sat down you realized that, while you’d been on amazing dates with Jordan and they were all adventurous and unconventional, that you’d never had the ‘out-of-the-movies’ dinner date experience.

You were impressed, to say the least, and whispered, “How’d you pull this off?”

“We may or may not have worked a case here a while back. They said we could cash in a favor any time we’d like for helping them. This was mine,” he sheepishly admitted. You did everything you could to not gape at him, but you're sure his trained eye could read you anyway.

“Spencer, seriously you didn’t have to-”

“I know. You keep saying that, but I wanted to,” he reminded you in the same way he did earlier that evening.

The same smiley hostess that met you at the door earlier returned with menus, and there was a twinkle in her eye that made you wonder just what Spencer had told them this was. Not like you’d ever ask. You weren’t even sure you wanted the answer.

You looked over the menu and ordered shrimp fettuccine while Spencer ordered a classic spaghetti.

“Still with the simple classics,” you tutted.

“You can never go wrong with them. Especially spaghetti,” he said, eyes getting wider. You had to let out a slight laugh at his childlike giddiness at something so trivial as spaghetti. But that was just Spencer. Sharing facts and getting happy over the little things. It was kinda refreshing to see, especially considering the dark nature of both of your jobs.

When dinner was served, it smelled amazing. You practically moaned at your first bite, and apologized for underestimating the small diner. You had to agree: they really did have the best Italian food in California.

Conversation with Spencer started a little rocky, the two of you getting reacquainted with each other before it started to flow like you’d never spent time apart. You related on the work front, and talked about friends and co-workers. You laughed about past and present things, and for a moment, you forgot there was a world outside this time-warped one that Spencer had created for the two of you. It was just so natural; you always knew it had been. Your quirks and his quirks complimented each other, and the way you’d both grown into older versions of your nerdy college selves but with somewhat better social skills was almost amusing. You were both entirely invested in your jobs, and you could see just how much he cared about everyone. The families he worked tirelessly for, and those he worked tirelessly with. And you. God, he cared about you so much, it had to have been squeezing his heart into oblivion.

When you both finished your meal and your champagne, Spencer stood up and offered you his hand. You took it, standing up, and gave him a questioning look. Dining and dashing was not in Spencer’s fortey, so without really knowing what to do, you reached for your credit card.

“Oh, no,” the waitress said with a grin, “This was on the house.”

“That’s very sweet, but really I can-” you started, waving your card around.

“No, seriously. Anything for Doctor Reid and his company,” she insisted, still grinning, now accompanied by an eyebrow raise. You returned her smile, trying to hide the slight confusion on your face. Now you really wanted to know what Spencer had told them this was.

“Come on,” Spencer whispered, ushering you out of the restaurant.

Once you exited, you asked, “You really must have saved their asses for them to treat you like that.”

“I may have down played just what happened to this town,” he admitted, “but it’s not that important. Unless you want to hear about it.”

“I could go for a brief synopsis,” you shrugged.

“About a year ago, this town had one of the worst serial killers we’ve ever seen. By the time we got here, there were already six bodies and counting. He moved fast and we found out that his real target was the owner of that restaurant. We saved them with only seconds to spare, and I was the one with the final shot. It’s a family business, so they were all very relieved and grateful we saved their family and their life’s work.” He said it so casually you gaped at him. You knew how modest he could be, but he really couldn’t see how heroic he sounded. He must’ve been uncomfortable by your staring, because he followed with, “What? What is it?”

“Just, you say that like it happens every day.”

“Well, it is my job, so it does kind of happen frequently,” he pointed out.

“Okay, yeah, but not for the everyday person. Those people see you as their knight in shining armor, Spencer. I think you should indulge yourself in that every now and then,” you advised.

“I am no one’s ‘knight and shining armor,’” he replied, shaking his head.

“Don’t be like that,” you scolded, and he looked at you with a serious face, “You catch the bad guy. You can’t get more heroic than that. Plus, you are keeping people from all over the country safe, not to mention keeping me employed.”

He offered a small laugh at that, and continued walking down the road past the car.

“What are you doing? The car’s right here,” you arched an eyebrow.

“I know,” he said with a cheeky smile.

“So we’re walking,” you phrased it more as a statement than a question. You only got a nod in response. “Seriously? You’re still not going to tell me where we’re going, are you?” He just shook his head as his smile grew. “I don’t know why I agreed to this,” you joked.

“Come on, you love surprises,” he said.

“Yeah, because usually I already have a good idea what’s going to happen,” you quipped.

He rolled his eyes. “Then maybe you should have been the profiler.”

You laughed, “Yeah, no. I’m good where I am, thanks. I’ll leave the whole guns, shooting criminals, flying across the country at 2am thing to you.”

“I feel very certain you have your fair share of 2am work nights.”

“Oh I do. I’m just at home sipping coffee in my sweats, not in work clothes on a plane to the middle of nowhere,” you acknowledged, and he put his hands up as to say ‘touche.’ “But hey, the next time I’m up at 2am, I’ll be sure to take comfort in the fact that at least someone else is too, probably going over files just like me.”

“Yeah, that, and that you have better coffee than us,” he said, as you stepped off the main road and in the direction of the trees. You didn’t take Spencer for an ‘outdoorsy’ kinda guy either, in fact, you knew he wasn’t unless things had drastically changed in six years, but you kept your mouth shut. Mainly because you were outdoorsy, and you knew he was trying to make things fun for you. Once you got to a certain point, Spencer stopped and turned to face you. “Close your eyes.” You opened your mouth to protest the ‘surprise’ thing again, but he cut you off before you had the chance. “Trust me, okay?”

Without another word, you closed your eyes with a sigh. He led you slowly through the trees, fingers laced through yours, narrating the landscape to make sure you wouldn’t trip or lose your footing.

“Almost there,” he said, taking a few more paces forward before coming to a complete stop. “Okay, you can open your eyes now.”

When you did, you were blinded by the beauty before you. There was a half circle of rock surrounding you with a waterfall coming from the opposite side. It hit the sugar-white sand below it, trailing into the small aqua pond, which opened up to the beach from between rocks and palm trees. On top of that, there was a warm sunset turing the wispy clouds shades of reds, oranges, and yellows. It was straight out of a movie, or a dream, and you honestly couldn’t believe it was real.

“What do you think?” Spencer asked in a small voice from beside you, and you realized you hadn’t done anything except gasp since you saw it.

“Spence, this is - this is incredible. You really outdid yourself,” you said, and he had. It was breathtaking. “How’d you find this place?”

“It’s a small town secret, I guess. We found it when we were here.”

“Oh, please don’t tell me you found a body here or something,” you grimaced.

“No! Definitely not!” Spencer clarified, “I just remembered you always mentioning wanting to go to a nice, small, secluded beach. This isn’t exactly a beach, but it is very close to one and definitely secluded.” You relaxed even more with that information, and Spencer led you over to the edge of the water, hand still enveloped in yours.

Don’t get carried away. Remember, this is just for his benefit. You released his hand, giving him a small smile, and walked over to the waterfall. He followed, and looked up at it with the same awed look you did. “You know, to qualify as a waterfall, only one segment of the falls must be at least five feet high. Most generally accepted waterfalls must be located on a river, creek, or stream that provides a source of water at least annually. This one is on the shorter side of average height at about 25 feet, and comes off of a stream from above. The largest waterfall in the world is Angel Falls with a total height of 3,212 feet, but plunge falls are known to have taller average heights. This one here is a punchbowl waterfall, because it descends into a constricted form, and then spreads out in a wider pool. Usually-” he suddenly cut himself off, looking down. “Uh, sorry.”

You snapped your eyes over to him, “Have you forgotten who you are talking to?”

“What?”

You repeated yourself, enunciating each word carefully, “Have you forgotten who you are talking to?” Spencer looked up at you, but with no answer. “We initially connected because you could answer every single question I had for you, no matter the subject, whether I needed help with it or not. We finally got to the point where I didn’t even have to ask anymore, because all you had to do was look at my face and know that I needed answers, answers you always had. There’s no need to apologize. You know I enjoy your facts,” you emphasized.

He smiled at you and rambled on about his waterfall facts, finishing with, “... and today, many people enjoy going swimming near or around waterfalls. Especially the punchbowl kind.”

You raised your eyebrows, “Is that an invitation Spencer Reid?”

“It could be if you wanted it to be,” he agreed sheepishly.

“Well, then what are we waiting for,” you teased. You marched over to a dry, flat rock and stripped off your work clothes, only keeping your underwear on. You then waded out into the water, all the while Spencer just watching you, seemingly paralyzed. You encouraged, “Spence, get out here!”

He started to make a move in the same direction you’d left your stuff, saying, “Yeah, yeah. I’m coming.” He tried to add some enthusiasm to his voice, but you knew he really wasn’t a fan of the water. Or the sand for that matter. Or interacting with nature as much as swimming required. But nevertheless, he discarded his clothes and padded toward the little ‘punchbowl’ as he just educated you on.

And then a thought popped into your head, “Spencer, have you ever been to the beach before? Like, have you gone swimming at the beach?”

His eyes snapped to yours, and he shook his head just a little. “It just usually seems … unsanitary. You know, the average number of people who visit the beach each year is around 58.67 million.”

“Yes, I’m sure, but unfortunately you are not one of them. Yet. Look, I know you kinda hate the water and the beach and stuff, but don’t worry, I am here to help,” you assured. You wadded toward him where the water was only about shin-high and held out your hand. “Do you remember a long time ago when you first told me you’d never been to the beach?”

He nodded. “It was close to one of the first things you asked me.”

“It was. And you told me you hadn’t. And do you remember what I told you?”

“You said, ‘I am determined to be the first person you go to the beach with. I promise I will make your beach-going experience great, and I have a strong feeling you will start to enjoy it.’”

“Exactly. So, are you ready?” you asked.

“For what?” Instead of answering, you slowly coaxed him further into the water. He shivered a bit as the cool water surrounded his hips.

“Don’t worry. You’re body will adjust,” you smiled, even though he probably already had plenty of stats on that, too. He paused for just a second as you got deeper into the water, which caused you to turn and face him completely. He heaved a breath, but then continued, you taking both of his hands in yours, walking backward farther into the water until it was up to your neck. The water pooled around Spencer's shoulders, and you said contently, “See? It’s not too bad, is it?”

“I guess not. Not when you’re here to help me,” he smiled.

You tried to shake off the feelings coursing through your veins, composed yourself, and replied, “Good.” Then, without warning, you dove out into the middle of the water. When you came to the surface, you shook your hair out and had to laugh at the way Spencer was staring at you.

You didn’t even have to prompt him in order for him to understand the playful look in your eyes. “No.”

“Yes.”

“No. I am not that person.”

You smirked at him, “You are now, Mathlete.”

He rolled his eyes at your old nickname for him, but he pushed farther out into the water. He came all the way out to you, at least somewhat knowing how to tread water, when you brought your wet hands up to his hair. With little droplets of water running down the side of his neck and jaw and your hands still in his hair, he went completely under water. Once he was under, his hands were at your thighs, and a whole new set of feelings clouded into your head. When he came back up, he was only inches from your face, your hands behind his head and his on your back. And then your lips were on each other’s, moving with a mind of their own. He pulled you closer and you clung to him like he was the only thing preventing you from drowning. His tongue slid into your mouth, moving in expert ways only he could remember how to do after this long. You started to wrap your legs around his middle, when you realized you’d probably sink together out in the middle of the pool, thanks to you swimming all the way out there. You finally parted with a big intake of breath, separating slightly so you could both stay afloat.

Before he could say anything, you flipped some water up into his face. He shut his eyes with little amusement, and his pout made him look even cuter. When he opened them, the orange sun near setting reflected into his eyes, making them glow a brilliant gold. He was stunning. Everything about this was stunning.

“What was that for?” he asked, and you snapped out your trance-like state to remember that you’d splashed him with water.

You did it again with a chuckle for an answer. Then he caught on. He pushed water in your direction, and you back to him. You were both shoving water at each other and laughing at your full on water fight, and then you got out and started running from the waterfall and toward the beach only a few yards away. He came after you and grabbed you from behind. You’re not sure how it happened, but you both ended up on the white sand with a shriek. You laid there with your back against his chest, eyes stinging from the salt water and breathing deeply. You both had sand all over you, but you didn’t want to move. And clearly, neither did he, because you both laid there until the sun went down.

Goosebumps rose along your body as Spencer trailed his hands down your arms and side and back again.

“We should get dried off,” he whispered in your ear.

You nodded, “Yeah, it’s getting cold. But we don’t have any towels.”

“They’re in the car.” You smiled to yourself and got up off the beach, trailing Spencer back to the car, clothes in hand.

# # # # # # # # # # # # #

On the car ride back to the city, you told Spencer all the other cool beach things you would have wanted to introduce him to, like reading in the sun, drinking and eating under a cabana, and getting these mangos on a stick you could only seem to find in Mexico.

He grinned at you the whole way.

He parked the car outside of his hotel, and offered to let you shower off before leaving. You couldn’t really go home to Jordan with a bunch of sand on you, so you accepted. You got in first and he got in after.

By the time he was done, you were fully dried with your clothes back on. He came out with only a towel wrapped around him. You guessed he really was trying everything to keep you here. The tension was palpable and you didn’t really know what to say to him.

Thanks for the amazing date, I had so much fun, okay bye? You were great and you are making it so hard to walk away right now but I’m going to, thanks anyways? You couldn’t say any of those, but luckily, he stepped in for you.

“I know,” he said with a nod.

“Spencer, I-”

“I know,” he repeated. His eyes were sad and his shoulders were slumped in defeat. It pained you to see him like this, especially after everything he’d done for you that evening, and how happy he’d been the whole time. “It’s okay, I get it. Jordan.”

Jordan. “Yeah,” it was barely a whisper. You walked toward the door and reached for the handle. And then you froze. You just froze in place, not being able to go any further.

Then, without thinking, you turned around and pulled him towards you, pressing your lips to his. He seemed thrown by this, but only for a few moments, because he quickly melted into the kiss. You didn’t let it last long, pulling away without another look at him. He grabbed your hand and spun you around, giving you no choice but to raise your eyes to meet his. They looked a little red and a single tear ran down his cheek.

“Please. Don’t leave me, not again,” he begged. You were in agony even thinking about leaving him like this, but what else were you supposed to do? “Please don’t go (y/n).”

You didn’t know how to say no when he was at his lowest point and you were at your weakest. That’s not true. You did know how to say no, but not to him. You couldn’t. You didn’t want to. “I won’t.”

It was already too late by the time you realized you had fallen back in love with him.

# # # # # # # # # # # # #

You woke up on Spencer’s chest, sheets a tangled mess around you. The daylight hit your eyes through the crack in the hotel curtains, and you realized what you’d just done.

I slept with another man. A man that is not my fiance, a man that I am not going to marry in a couple weeks. What have I done? What was I thinking?

But that’s the issue. You weren’t thinking. Being with Spencer didn’t require any thinking or effort or worry. It was easy. Yet nothing about waking up that morning with the guilt you felt was easy. You couldn’t stay there with Spencer for another moment knowing that you had to be the worst person on the planet at the moment. You threw your clothes on, trying to control your panicked breathing, swiping at the moisture collecting on your cheeks.

What was I thinking?

You scrambled to the door, making sure you had all of your belongings, and left. You made your way down the corridor to the sign that said ‘stairs’ across from a little sitting area near a large window.

You had barely gotten the door open when a voice called out, “Where are you going?”

You turned and saw Spencer frantically coming towards you. The noise you made in your rush to leave must have woken him up. “One more night, right? That was the deal,” you stated coldly.

“That's not really all this was to you, was it?” he asked, his eyes looked at you with a mix of emotions you could only guess to be betrayal and hurt.

But you stood your ground, “This is wrong.”

He started shaking his head, “No-”

“I have to go,” you insisted, turning back to the door.

“It’s not wrong (y/n). You can’t look me in the eyes and tell me that what we have doesn’t feel right to you,” he pressed. There was an urgency in his voice you’d never really heard before.

“Jordan’s probably waiting for me.”

“Is he?”

How dare he question my fiance he knows nothing about! “Yes,” you spat, “because he’s an amazing man that I am going to marry, so I’m sorry, but I can’t do this.”

“That’s not really what you’re thinking is it,” he hissed back, stating it more than asking. You stood there staring at him, not giving him an answer. You knew you couldn’t lie to him. Profiler or not, he always knew what you were thinking. He continued, “Actually, I don’t even think you think this is wrong.”

“Yes I do. It’s not fair-” you tried.

“Who’re you trying to convince?” Spencer cut you off.

You laced your voice with venom when you responded, “Don’t presume to know me or what I think.”

“Oh I’m not. You’re telling me that all by yourself,” he said as he quickly scanned you up and down.

“Don’t profile me.”

“I wasn’t trying to. I was merely trying to point out how, while even though you are trying to leave, you are oriented toward me. Your feet are still pointed towards me, along with your shoulders. If you really wanted to leave, you’d be facing the door. Your head is tilted slightly, you’re leaning forward, and despite your irritation, you aren’t fidgety. You’ve subconsciously mirrored some of my movements, fixed your hair, adjusted the sleeves on your shirt, and wetted your lips. Not to mention the dilation of your eyes-”

You couldn’t take it anymore, “Why, why are you pushing this?” It sounded more like a plea than anything.

His eyes softened along with his voice, “Because I want you. I want to be with you, and I can’t let you slip through my fingers like last time. I am not going to make the same mistakes and I am not going to let my insecurities and uncertainties get in the way of us again.”

“Us?” your eyes bugging, “Spencer, there is no us.”

“How can you say that?” his voice seemed to raise an entire octave.

“Because there can’t be. I’m getting married in just over a week and I haven’t seen you in years, and then all the sudden you wanna give us another try? It didn’t work out the first time, what makes you think it will the second time?” you pressed.

“What makes you think it won't?”

“Don’t turn this on me.” You didn’t want him to avoid the question. It was a valid one, and one you’d always thought about when you heard of other on-and-off couples.

“We dated for about six years and never had any problems until I fucked it up. Had I stayed in contact, we’d probably still be together right now. Your turn,” he challenged, with fire in his eyes.

Fine. We can do it like this. “For starters, we are both stubborn and like to argue. We’ve seen and spent time together for a total of one day and two nights and we’ve already argued twice. Not to mention, we both have super time consuming jobs-”

“Which both you and Jordan do,” he interjected.

“-and we’ve both changed. We don’t know if we’re compatible anymore. Yes, we dated for six years, but then we spent six years apart. You can’t ask me to throw away a sure thing for a relationship I lost hope in a long time ago.”

“I can, and I am.” He said it with such confidence, it almost threw you off. Almost.

“It’s too late.”

“It’s not, please, don’t go. Don’t make the same mistake I did. Don’t let your insecurities and uncertainties about us get in the way of what we have,” he faltered.

“And what is it we have exactly?” It was his turn to be silent, so you filled in for him. “With Jordan, I have no doubts. There is nothing complicated about him or what he and I have.”

“But do you love him like you loved me? Does he make you laugh after a long day at work? Does he go dancing with you even though he’s bad at it because he knows you love it? Does he know when to just sit there and hold you and when to encourage you to vent? Does he know that you are a morning person and love watching the sun rise even though you refuse to talk to anyone when you’ve just woken up? Does he burn the pancakes in the morning so that you can laugh and show him how it’s done? Does he know that after a bad day you like to eat breakfast for dinner because it’s your comfort food? And even though you’d never admit it, you secretly love those fake colored orchids? Does he make sure you rest when you overwork yourself so you don’t get a migraine? Does he know that you aren’t ticklish anywhere except on your left side? And can you tell him any and everything? Does he know that the only thing you hate more than stress is injustice? Can he make you feel as comfortable and stress free as I do? Can he give you that? Because I can, I know I can.”

“Spencer, stop.” You crossed your arms, desperate for him to relieve you from the guilt you already felt. How could you walk away from him? But how could you not?

But he wouldn’t stop, “I have. And I’m asking for another chance to give you that again, to show you that I will for as long as you let me.”

You offered one simple word in response, “Love.”

“What?” the confusion was obvious on his face.

“You said ‘like you loved me’. Love, Spencer. It’s not past tense,” you corrected.

That stopped him dead in his tracks, “What’re you saying?”

You took a deep breath, “I’m saying that you have given me a lot to think about, and that I need time. I know I don’t have much, but I need tonight, at least tonight. Can you give me that?”

“Yes,” he said, with no hesitation, “Of course.” You nodded, and turned back toward the staircase door as Spencer retreated, but he caught your attention one last time before you were out of earshot. “Oh, and (y/n)?”

“Yeah?” you said, peering over your shoulder.

“I love you too.”

# # # # # # # # # # # # #

You spent that night and the entire day following away from everyone. Jordan texted you to make sure you were okay, making a joke about getting cold feet. Which was not funny. You told him that you’d been slammed at work and were crashing at a co-worker, and close friend's apartment, which happened often. You two were looking over a case together, which was true, but in reality, you were sulking and they were very invested in your love life.

“‘But do you love him like you loved me?’ That’s very forward of him,” Ash spoke, taking a sip of their tea.

“You don’t need to tell me that,” you reminded them.

“But like, you said you love him,” Ash beamed. “Then again, you have Jordan to think about, too.”

“Okay, first, I’m concerned that you are taking so much pleasure in my very complicated love life-”

“If by complicated you mean having two great guys pining over you, then sure. Extremely unfortunate,” Ash deadpanned.

You continued as if they hadn’t spoke, “-secondly, I didn’t exactly say I love you-”

“Still counts.”

“-and third, what am I supposed to do? I have a ring on my finger and I just slept with another man.”

“Another man that was your first love that you also said ‘I love you’ to,” Ash again pointed out.

“Please stop reminding me,” you groaned.

“And why shouldn’t I?”

“Because I am freaking out and don’t know what to do! I can’t pretend like what happened with Spencer never happened, but I don’t think I can face Jordan, or tell him what happened, let alone marry him after all of this,” you exclaimed, voice raising.

“Okay, I know this is stressful, but I need you to sit down, and calm down,” Ash sterly said, dropping all amusement from their voice. You hadn’t even realized you’d stood up. You eased yourself back onto the couch, and looked over at them.

You took a deep breath, “You’re right. Freaking out is not going to help me. Not like I know what actually will.”

“Well let me ask you this,” Ash said, sitting upright, “Was he right?”

“What?”

“Was Spencer right? Does he give you things Jordan can’t? Does he make you feel more ‘at peace’ or however the hell he phrased it?” You opened your mouth to answer, but they cut you off right as you were about to speak, “And don’t lie. This is me trying to help you through your feelings, and telling me what you think is socially acceptable to say is not going to help anyone. Especially not you.”

“In a sense,” you relented.

“Okay, I guess I wasn’t clear. These are yes or no questions,” they clarified.

“How can they be? Relationships are not black and white, there is so much more to them!” you huffed.

“That’s true. But what is black and white is who you love more.” You started shaking your head profusely in denial. “I’m serious (y/n). You know you love one more than you love the other. You know who you feel more comfortable and more safe around. You know who you feel like you can trust with anything without being judged. And most importantly, you know who you feel the most like yourself around, and who makes you feel like the best and brightest version of yourself. You just aren’t ready to admit that, because either way, you’re hurt and they’re hurt. But don’t lie to yourself. You know,” Ash insisted.

“Ash, I can’t,” you whispered.

“You can, you will, and you have to. Just remember it’s not fair to either of them for you to string them along. It’s better to tell them. You have to just go for it,” they urged.

You groaned. “What do I even say? How am I supposed to do this?”

“Well, you are going to pull on your grown ass adult undies, and figure it out,” Ash spoke to you like you were a child, “Now get the fuck outta my place, you’ve been here far too long and have overstayed your welcome. And don’t you dare lie to them either because you think it’s the right thing to do. For once in your goddamn life (y/l/n), do the right thing for you.” And with that, they shoved you out of their apartment with your things, and locked the door in your face.

# # # # # # # # # # # # #

You got in your car and threw your things in the back. You sat there for a moment before screaming at the top of your lungs. You pounded on and shook the steering wheel, until you’d run out of breath.

Being in love with two men who loved you back at the exact same time was nothing like it was portrayed in the movies. It absolutely sucked. You couldn’t see how there was any possible way that the people in those movies ended up with a happy, fairy-tale ending, because all you could see right now was broken hearts. You were going to be hurting either way, but the real question was which way you were going to hurt the least.

Which is the exact thought on your mind as you pulled your car out of the apartment complex parking lot, and started driving.

For once in your goddamn life, do the right thing for you.

You were already halfway to your destination before you’d consciously made the decision to go there. You pulled up and parked your car outside. You walked up the stairs to the door and then stopped. Knocking on this door meant committing to a decision that would alter the rest of your life. You bit back the tears threatening to overflow, sure that you had made the right decision, even though it physically pained you to hurt him. You took a deep breath, put a smile on your face, and knocked.

The door swung open as if he’d been expecting you. You quickly embraced him, taking in his scent and basking in the comfort of his arms. Pulling away, you looked into those twinkling eyes staring back at you with adoration, which only confirmed that you’d made the right decision.

With a pounding heart and a weight lifted off your shoulders, you confessed, “I choose you.”

Payphone

A/N 2: To the lovely anon that encouraged me to do a part 2, I hope this lived up to your expectations. I know I didn’t completely clear everything up, but I hope you enjoyed it regardless. =D

[9uk]

Don’t Wanna Fall pt.2

⌲ summary : after your boyfriend breaks up with you, you are in need of company. strangely enough, you get more company than you had initially wanted.

⌲ pairing : sugar daddy!seokjin x reader

⌲ word count : 4.5k

⌲ genre : fluff, smut

⌲ warnings : dry-humping, clit-orgasm

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His heart thumps against his chest, the heavy motion inevitably resounding in his ears. You are trying your best to lift your hands filled with stuff to gesture him to hurry come to the lift lobby to join you.

That moment of warmth.

Although it lasted for less than a second, Seokjin was more than sure the hug would stalk him to his sleep and creep into his dreams. A car honk in the distance snaps him out of his train of thoughts temporarily and he scurries his way over to you.

To be perfectly candid with himself, Seokjin did enjoy having your arms wrapped around him. A tad more than he wish he did.

He was never one who admires unnecessary affection from women. He thinks that they are here for solely two reasons—the sex and the money.  He didn't crave for anything more than that, not wanting to complicate matters by involving feelings. He thinks there wasn't a need to drag them along the line of false hope and then throw them into the gutter, long forgotten and never contacted again. It may sound cruel and objectifying to those ladies, like they were nothing more than sex dolls discarded after Seokjin has his way with them.

Seokjin is a man like that, a clown on the outside constantly spilling your laughter, making you feel like he's everything you've ever wanted, and wish to marry.

Then comes the worst part.

He spoils you with gifts that costs ten times your apartment, then he sugar coats you with words filled with honey and then at last—they lift you to reach the peak of the stairway to heaven and finally, when you are completely indulged in the utopia he has created for you with the endless wads of cash he owns—he would disappear from your bed without another spoken word, leaving only the lingering scent of his cologne and the many branded goods he gifted for you to reminisce about. Many of them try to drag the process for as long as they can, not wanting to hop on his dick too soon, feeding off his money like a starved leech. Because it is a common belief they all know about, the CEO never sleeps with the same woman twice.

Because that is also when their time is up—he tosses them into the garbage bin.

Brutal of him, definitely. But the clean-cut action keeps him void of any relevant emotions or feelings he knows he shouldn’t catch.

The topic is often discussed about in his office, outside his private office where the many murmurs pass tales to one another, spreading like wildfire throughout the whole floor, followed by the entire building.

Many have their doubts about said man acting this way to the women he bedded, for he remains the humorous and easygoing CEO that he was. Everybody who have met Seokjin would assuredly say that he is kind and thoughtful—certainly not a person who would treat women in this manner.

However, there is one factor which proves that the magnanimous boss himself, has a player side to his love life. But no one is to interfere with the head’s business or even worse, allow him to have a ear about the scandalous topics included in their morning chatters over cups of ready-made coffee.

That dreadful day, Seokjin enters a random café downtown where a woman patiently (17 missed calls) waits for his arrival. She goes by the name, Yoonji and whether that label was real or fake—he really couldn’t be bothered.

He was about to break the news to her, like he did to every other lady, just that Yoonji in particular was rather resilient in her pursuits.

He met her at a company dinner, his hormones getting the better of him when he spots her in a tight burgundy dress. They had a quickie in the toilet and after he reached his high, his mind cleared and he wished he hadn’t done that in the first place.

Looking as to how things have unfolded, he had rather indulge in the strokes of his palm than to stick his dick into a woman like that ever again.

Situated at the corner of the place was the shrew, and he instantly regretted sleeping with this one upon the sight of her furrowed brows and ugly frown plastered on her face. He silently berated himself for the rash decision made that night.

As she notices his presence, her expression switched a hundred and eighty degrees around and Seokjin was suddenly welcomed with a big fake beam on her face.

“Jin! What took you so long? I’ve been waiting here for hours...” The lack of honourifics ticked him off at the start, he eyes her warily. He does not recall her voice being this high-pitched, but whatever suits her.

Yoonji juts out her bottom lip, staring up at him with the best soft eyes she could manage to gain as much pity as she could to the waste of her precious time. Seokjin only blinks blandly at her whining, waiting for her to quit with the shenanigans.

But persistent, was she.

“Shall we go shopping?” Her eyes twinkle with anticipation of swiping all of his cards.

When she tries to cling onto his arm, Seokjin shrugs her hold off curtly and glares at her.

Seokjin detests those kind of women—the ones who stay for a long duration, trying to get the most out of him before they lose the chance to do so ever again. Yoonji seems like she hasn’t fully grasped the concept of the way he handles matters regarding women.

“I came here to inform you that from this second onwards, you and I have got nothing to do with each other.”

Her jaw drops and it almost felt like she hasn’t been properly offended by a man before.

He almost feels bad.

Almost.

“We had our fun and that was it. The first and last time.” He explains before muttering a quick and stern goodbye.

Yoonji is somehow unable to tolerate the embarrassment of being rejected in public, she snatches her purse from the seat and storms off, leaving a trail of fiery shame with every heavy click of her red pair of stilettos.

Now that she’s gone, he had might as well settle for a cup of coffee since he was here.

The staff at the cash register grows pink upon taking Seokjin’s order, stumbling on her words and unable to maintain proper eye contact with a man this beautiful. He darts his tongue out, hands propped on the edge of the counter as he decides his choice of beverage. A quick fix of iced coffee would usher his troubles about the company (and women) out of the door.

Just a small cup—he promises himself to order—would suffice in getting him through the rest of the day. The afternoon was reserved for an important shareholders meeting to discuss about certain issues regarding Kim Corporation, and Seokjin dreaded nothing more than that. That is also partially the reason why he agreed to leave the office to break things off with Yoonji, and in the mean time take a fresh breather from the hectic schedule of a CEO.

The absence of the fiery wrath from earlier on turned the ambience of the coffee place into much soothing one—the soft lights hanging from above, the addictive aroma of freshly ground coffee beans and the peaceful music layering the chatters over tea. The noises coming from the bustling street just outside were blocked by the safe glass walls of the café, which further accentuated the calmness of the site.

Out of boredom, the receipt in his hands is folded twice into a neat square as Seokjin looks over to the people strolling across the concrete pavement located beside the outlet.

Clusters of ladies on a shopping trip with hands full of bags, groups of office workers heading back after a fulfilling session of lunch—his eyes linger on their forms with a tinge of envy. Rarely did Seokjin have any close friends to hang out with like everyone else, the most he could have would be a close associate of his, another big figure in the company Jisung. Jisung was one of the head directors in Kim Corporations, and they often went for a drink or two after hours. But that was it, and the most they discussed were about, sickeningly again—work matters.

He lost his personal life by dedicating so much time to his career.

“One iced Americano!”

The voice was loud yet adenoidal, jostling Seokjin away from his line of thoughts.

He strides over to the collection counter smoothly, charming demeanour fully intact as his wide shoulders portray him as a model on a runway. Everything he does attracts the attention of everyone—people start whipping their heads and uttering something under their breath, and girls smacking their friend’s arms in excitement of bumping into a man this good-looking— Seokjin knows the effect he has on people. Regardless of genders.

On a daily basis, Seokjin received treatment like a king. Heads would immediately bend when graced with his presence. A light press of a button would have his entire schedule sorted out. A simple phone call would bring many opportunities for huge figures to flood his account. A quick snap of his fingers would bring him the most delightful cup of coffee. Two and a half cube of sugar, and a teaspoon of milk. No more, no less—served with perfection.

Therefore, he is currently glaring at the barista, nose scrunched in dissatisfaction and eyebrows knitted with irritation.

Therefore, this is beyond unacceptable.

The cup of coffee looked like it had been tossed onto the counter, with no straws within reach and the liquid looking stale. He places the receipt onto the table and inspects the drink carefully, like it had been drugged.

The barista does not even spare him another glance, hand coming up to swipe the receipt off the counter and into a small bin, before proceeding to continue making orders for the next customers.

He’s about to open his mouth to let out a series of complains, but he realises the many pair of eyes trained on his figure as his hand is raised mid-air.

She busies herself with the next list of beverages to prepare, completely not minding the irate customer drumming his fingers onto the countertop lividly.

His fingers paused in the action abruptly.

It came to him like a hint used in a hidden object game, a brief yet distinct twinkle alerting his eyes of the well camouflaged feature.

There was something off about you—your swollen eyes and croaky voice, just the mere look of you would make one think that you’ve climbed out of the lowest pits of hell. Your eyes were hollow, from what seemed like a night’s worth of crying. You haven’t even remembered to provide him with a cup holder like they would always do for customers. A short hiss escapes your mouth as fast as it dies, the cup of hot coffee you were brewing slightly scalding the side of your thumb, causing you to flinch. This then, your co-worker steps in and shoves you to the cash register to take over cashier after she makes sure the burn was nothing grave. She mutters something into your ear, her face contorted in worry as she squeezes your arm for a bit before the both of you went about your businesses.

Prudently, he forgoes the confrontation, helping himself to a straw and heading out in silence.

Who would ever expect meeting the same person twice in such a short period of time?

A part of him told himself to grab the packet of mealworms off the shelf and leave; but another part of him nagged at him to step out of his comfort zone to buy you the pet you couldn’t afford. Looking back, he doesn’t regret his decision. There were not many people or things going on in his life that required him to spend his money on, so he had might as well use the sum of money rotting in his bank to help a soul in need. But of course, he could have invested that amount into a Thom Browne jacket but—it wouldn’t harm anyone to do some good in this world. Especially for somebody as wealthy as he is.

Because here you were, standing just across of him in the small of your dormitory.  

You noticed the way Seokjin crinkled his nose as he stepped through the front door, obviously displeased at the environment of the discussion.

Your feel your face grow red of embarrassment upon sudden realisation of how untidy and dirty your room was. There wasn’t even sufficient space for Snowball to settle down.

“I’m sorry,” You blabber out, as if the apology would improve the state of your room. “It’s just...I’ve never had the time to properly clean this mess up.”

He rubs his palms together, a plan seemingly forming in his head.

“Ah,” He hums with empathy. “You should move out of this shabby place.”

Seokjin suggests so easily, you can’t help but knit your brows at his bold assumption that you could even afford the rent here. Or a new apartment, at the very least.

But before you could even voice your destitution, the next thing that comes out of that mouth of his leaves you utterly shocked.

“I’ll buy an apartment for you to live in. Near the campus and luxurious. How does that sound?”

A positive shock.

Seokjin looks so collected as he says this, like he was offering to purchase a pack of candies for you and not a god damn apartment.

Your eyes can’t help but widen in temptation, hand itching to feel if this man was even real. You raise your brows and tilt your head, giving him a moment to take back what he had just said. Or hurry fill the stunned silence with a “just kidding”.

“But,”

But of course, there isn’t any free lunch in this world.

“There are rules.” In some way or another, his voice lowers an octave and his expression switches completely to a cold, demeaning one. There was no trace of humour on his face and you could tell he was serious about this whole ordeal. You gulp, grip tightening on Snowball’s cage as you look at him with a baited breath.

What he does next catches you off-guard.

Seokjin takes a step closer to you, hand reaching for the cage you were holding. Gently, he wraps his fingers around yours causing you to slightly flinch away from his sudden touch. You then realise his intentions when he tugs the handle towards himself and you quickly release your grasp, allowing him to carry it for you.

He chuckles at your tense form and mused, “Why are you so sensitive? It’s making me wonder about things.” The Seokjin from the car trip has returned, but this time there’s a small twist in his tone. Like...he was teasing you.

You hurriedly blurt out an explanation.

“S-Sorry, I don’t know. I just-”

"It’s fine. I understand how you feel.”

What? No, he didn’t. He was spoiling you so much and treating you to too many things that you were growing suspicious of his motive and the rules that were never mentioned.

It wasn’t like it was unsettling with him, you knew he wouldn’t dare do anything dangerous to you because somehow you trusted him.

His looks. Did it have anything got to do with his handsome features?

God, how fucked up could you be? It was like you entirely forgotten the story of the wolf beneath the sheep’s clothing.

Or it must be the change in his personality. Just minutes ago, the both of you were bickering and giggling over his dumb riddles. But right now, the hidden aim he had was slowly crawling its way to the top of the water, no longer buried deep in the beds.

“No, you don’t.” You disagree. “It’s not because you’re too good-looking.” Well it partially is, but you won’t admit it to encourage his sky high pride.

“I don’t understand why you’re doing all of this for me. Previously, I felt apologetic for what I had said about you at the shop, so I decided to follow your wishes to not agitate you any further.” Snowball has finished her carrot snack and fidgets around, causing the cage to rattle in his hand. “Is there something you need from me?” You don’t get him at all. How can one just provide you with everything without asking for anything in return? You were trying to be cautious about his huge burst of kindness towards you. His offers made you feel like you owe him something, and you didn’t fancy the feeling at all.

“Honestly, all I wanted to do was buy you this rabbit because you looked so sad.” He provides you with an explanation succinctly. This man was nothing but truthful when it came to his feelings. But how had he known that you were feeling down? Had he been observing you?

Things between the both of you did not transpire like what Seokjin predicted.

Unlike the many other women he met, you were blunt and skittish at the same time, which he found rather intriguing. You did not show any sort of desire to get closer to him or fawn over his dashing appearance despite knowing how loaded he was. You had even said that you wouldn’t even fall for someone like him. Instead of getting infuriated over your insult, he felt fired up. Like you were a challenge and it made the situation turn way more exciting. All he wanted to do was buy you the rabbit as a kind gesture and leave, but there is clearly a turn of events.

“But since you asked,” Seokjin plops Snowball’s home onto the top of your mattress. “All I need from you is you.”

“Me?” The question bounces off your lips immediately in return.

In a blink, he slides his fingers past your face and through your hair, palm lightly cupping your jaw. His other hand finds home at the small of your waist, successfully pulling you flush against his body—the bags of pet necessities falling to the ground with a loud thud.

“Yes, princess.” He holds your waist in such a possessive manner, you can’t help but squirm a bit under his harsh grip. “You.” Seokjin reassures and lifts

you up onto your study desk, body coming in to spread your legs. “Seokjin!” You squeaked in surprise and rest your hands on his shoulders for support. They felt amazing to the touch. It was obvious he worked out from the mere feel of his broad shoulders under the white dress shirt.

You helplessly blush hard at the position, skirt hiked up and thighs apart with Seokjin in between. He grabs you by the waist, locking you in place and you witness his pupils fill a shade darker.

“Rule number one. You are only allowed to address me as Sir or...” He looks to the side, a little embarrassed to meet your gaze as he says the following name. “...Daddy.”

You blinked at him cluelessly. You have never experienced anything close to this before. Now you know where this was going, you didn’t want to stop. He was a perfect distraction, a means you can use to relax. He was not forcing you into anything harmful. The dominance he had over you was overpowering and you feel yourself only nodding to whatever he demanded.

He slaps the side of your thigh, “Answer me, princess.”

“I understand...Daddy.” The words slip from your mouth, foreign as ever. But there’s something about calling Seokjin that, that makes you want to squeeze your thighs together. He lets out a throaty groan at that, satisfaction tugging at the corners of his lips. “God princess, you really do want to please me, don’t you?” He runs his hands along your thighs and occasionally explore the inner sides of them, making you feel a little but just not enough.

“You haven’t finished telling me about your rules,” You remind him, slightly above a whisper. If sex was what he wanted in exchange for all these purchases, you are more than willing. Maybe he would be that someone who could top Jungkook’s ways in bed.

Seokjin was about to explode. Having you legs spread, breathing ragged on the desk, willing to give him anything he wanted from you. Usually, the women he messed with try their hardest to seduce him, agree to pleasure him the way he wanted and gave too much to the point where he grew sick of it. He clearly felt the unhappiness buried beneath their pretence when he wouldn’t go down on them. He couldn’t imagine just how many dicks their pussies have interacted with. But you, you still kept your hands intact on his shoulders, not wanting to make a move unless he did so. Your hands did not fly to his zipper and palm him through his crotch automatically like every other girl would do so—that’s why he finds himself craving you to do just that to him more than ever. Maybe someone like you...so pure and innocent, elevated the fervent desire to devour you. You were driving him crazy by both your perfect obedience and reservation. He decided to test the waters.

“Rule number two, don’t do anything unless I ask you to.” Seokjin wished to see how far you are willing to go to abide by his rules, and be the best girl for him. At that, your hands instantly fall from his shoulders and your thighs stopped squeezing together. He found himself missing your touch more than he expected. He was the king of control when it came to these kind of things so why is he so flustered-

“Anything else, Daddy?” You look at him with questioningly. Anything for that house and rabbit.

“Rule number three,” He continues nonetheless, recovering from the weird sparkles twinkling in his heart.

“No strings attached. You live your life and I will live mine. Only I am able to call you and not the other way round.” He gleams at this rule and proud of how he had said it so confidently, ascertain his dominance would reappear.

“Sure, let’s just go with that.” Does this mean there is some kind of agreement between the both of you? He buys you things and you would pleasure him in return. You weren’t looking for anything that required commitment and exclusiveness, and you could get your cunt filled every now and then. It was a win-win situation.

“Rule number four, don’t screw around with other guys.” If he wanted to do this, he wanted to do it right. He didn’t want any other dick coming close to the pussy he owns. “I’m good with that.” You wouldn’t even have time to do so, considering the pile of work assigned to you every week.

Fuck, were you for real? Seokjin cannot deny the surprise he felt at your compliance and your lack of care for exclusivity.

“Kiss me.” He suddenly commands, not quite sure why he had done that either. Perhaps it was the way you somehow never fail to make his heart flutter with this little gestures.

Without holding back and following his orders like he mentioned, you wrap your arms around his neck and pull his lips close to yours. Close, but not touching yet. There is a split second of the both of you just looking into each other’s eyes, like he was the only thing that mattered and you were all he ever wanted at that moment. You swear he lets out a shaky exhale before you are colliding your lips with his, staying there for a while before you proceed with your ministrations. It turned into little pecks and he feel him pull you closer to him by the waist. Eyes closed, the both of you relish in the feeling of having your mouths connected and tongues slowly making an appearance.

You wonder how long he wants to be kissed because Seokjin never stops, savouring every last bit of your mouth, allowing your wet muscle to explore his teeth as he gently sucks on it. You can tell that he’s enjoying it as well, eyes shut tight and drowning in the motions of your lips, the squelching sounds intensifying the kiss. It feels great, to be kissed in this manner after so long—the need he has for you burning a hole in the pit of your stomach.

Finally, he pulls away reluctantly and you don’t miss the dark shade of red coating his cheeks, lips swollen and eyes a haze—all from one kiss. You know you don’t look any better than him, the numbing sensation on your lips sparks a clear desire for the man standing before you.

You can feel his erection pressed against your core and he is not one to be shameful of an occurrence like that, instead he presses against you harder—the tip hitting your clit so accurately and eliciting a moan to spill from your lips.  He seems to be amused by your reaction, and realises he almost forgot about how sensitive you are. Seokjin takes it as a green light and keeps rutting against your damp panty-clad heat, the both of you enjoying the friction provided between your clothes. You would want to strip and ride his cock till he blanks out, but you figured the dry-humping would suffice.

 His eyebrows furrow in concentration, using the tent in his pants to focus on making you whine in pleasure. Every time he glides past your clit, you would let out a soft moan, hands laid on the desk supporting your crumbling self. With a circle furiously rolled onto your nub with his thumb, you are surging forward and collapsing into his arms, allowing the orgasm to wash away gradually.

You need him, and that’s exactly what he wanted from you—and you are so ready to give him everything he wished for.

“I’ll call you,” is all he leaves you with after asking for your number, exiting your room with a clear bulge in his slacks. You are left on the desk with your panties soaked and legs trembling, eyes falling onto Snowball—who was thankfully fast asleep already.

[miraclehope1829]

BTS Imagine - Back Hugs

Namjoon (RM)

Namjoon had a deadline tomorrow, and you knew how stressed he has been over meeting this deadline. He would stay up all night, drink an unreasonable amount of coffee. Sometimes he would even skip meals because he had locked himself up in the studio. You were definitely worried about him but you knew that nagging him about taking better care of himself would only cause him more trouble. So you’ve been quietly sitting in this studio for the whole day now, just watching him work. Occasionally bringing him water and some light snack to support him.

It was around 2am when you were half sleep when there were some noises from Namjoon’s desk. It was obvious that he was already at his breaking down but you knew he is really close because you’ve been silently observing his progress. He abruptly stands up causing some of his possessions to tumble. Looking very stressed and enraged, he stomped to the door which was next to the sofa you were sitting on. He swings open the as abruptly as he had gotten up from his desk. You knew he was too close to give up now so intuitively you launched yourself at him, grabbing him from behind.

“Namjoon, I know you’re tired and stressful, but you still have 15 hours left I know you will be able to finish it. I believe in you. But your body needs to rest, I’m sure that a short nap will improve everything. Let’s rest together, I will wake you up later. I promse!” You tell him in a soft voice while locking him a back-hug. Although it took some persuading, he eventually agreed. You dimmed the light down in the studio and Namjoon lay his head down onto your lap. He soon drifted off to sleep with your humming and when he woke up he was energised again.

Seokjin (Jin)

You’ve spend the past week on researching and writing the report for your presentation for work that you had panda eyes. Seokjin has been giving you his full support but sometimes it was not distracting than helpful. And this was one of those times.

You been concentrating on finishing this report tonight so you can take your time in preparing for the presentation in 5 days time. However you were someone that gets distracted very easily, breaking away from your work from the slightest of sounds, which Seokjin wasn’t helping by coming in and out of the room in short intervals of time. He didn’t have bad intentions because you brought in water, fruits and little snacks that would encourage you to work harder but those little encouragement was what stopped you from working hard.

This time when he had walked in with a bowl of tiny M&Ms, you signed out in frustration. Walking to you then placing the bowl next to you and putting a hand on your shoulder. “Y/N what’s wrong? Is everything okay?” You didn’t say anything but you may have showed an angry facial expression even though you actually didn’t feel that way. When he turned around, you were scared. You grabbed his wrist then pulled him into a back hug. “What’s wrong? I thought you’re thirsty so I was going to get you some water.” You couldn’t help but chuckle. 

Yoongi (Suga)

Yoongi was someone that really liked his sleep and hated if someone would interpret it, even as his girlfriend you were no exception. Unlike your boyfriend who can sleep in any given time or place, your sleep schedule was irregular and on top of that you’re an night owl.  You would be doing a range of different things each night from watching movies, dramas, work or playing games. And most of the time, it would wake Yoongi up in one way or another. As your relationship progressed, you’ve picked up on signs that show your boyfriend might be getting annoyed, and you would move outside before he gets angry.

Tonight, you were playing a game that the boys introduced you to because Yoongi is the only one in the group that isn’t interested in games. Somehow, you must have woken him up while you were playing but you didn’t notice because you were too focused on the game. You were missing all the signs that him starting to get annoyed as you continued to play the game. At one point, he even got up and creeped up to you telling you to stop playing or go somewhere else. Which you told him to wait, that was a bad decision and you knew but you didn’t realise it until it had already left your mouth.

It was too late when you had noticed because he was already heading to the door. Even though Yoongi was angry but he couldn’t physically do anything about it because he had a soft spot for you. Seeing him walk away scared you because he had never done it before. In a flash, you had gotten up and held him tight in your back embrace. “I’m sorry I won’t play anymore, please don’t leave.” Yoongi softly patted your hands that was locked you in place indicating that he wasn’t mad.

Hoseok (Jhope)

Hoseok is an amazing boyfriend that loves you with all his heart and you guys have been maintaining a stable relationship for a little over a year now. your personalities match very well together so any issues would be resolved before there is any arguments. However sometimes your boyfriend can be a little over clingy and protective when he’s feeling insecure, perhaps due to a bad experience in the past.

Starting from last week, you’ve been planning a surprise with your brother because your 2 year anniversary from when you and Hoseok was approaching. You actually just wanted an excuse to surprise him. But Hoseok has been worried about you coming home late and a little suspicious of your constant texting but you shaking him off when he asked about it. When he confronted you about seeing you with a random guy and wouldn’t answer, scared that it would ruin the surprise. (He knows that you have a brother but he has never seen him.)

“Why won’t you tell me what’s going on?” He yelled while still trying to stay calm when you told him it was just your brother and he has nothing to worry about. “If he’s your boyfriend then why can’t you tell me what you guys were doing.” Fed up with your silence, he turned around and storm out of the bedroom heading towards the front door. You wouldn’t let what was meant to be a joyful event to be a disaster, potentially ending your relationship with the best man. Clasping him from the back and gluing yourself to it, explaining everything from start to now. Even though the surprise was ruined, it was better to save the best thing in your life.

Jimin

You were quite the popular girl but not just because you were pretty but due to your kind and caring personality. You got along with your colleagues, has a close group of friends and an amazing boyfriend that loves you a lot. However your life is never just sunshine and rainbows. You were currently in an argument with Jimin over something that you didn’t think wasn’t important.

Just hours before, you attended company dinner where they had asked you to bring a partner or friend to which you obviously invited Jimin because your co-workers have been dying to know who this lucky guy is. But also at the dinner was a colleague that has made it obvious that he’s interested in you. You told Jimin about it and reassured that you’ve been avoiding him but it was difficult at a company dinner and he constantly followed you around. You tried to be nice at a social gathering which Jimin mistakes as flirting which lead to the argument right now.

“I wasn’t flirting with him. How many times do I have to say it?” Yelling back the frustrated Jimin. He didn’t reply, scared that he will say something hurtful. “I’ve told you that I’m avoiding him and there’s no way that I would like him. I even brought you to the dinner so everyone would know I have a boyfriend. What more can I do?” Tears on the verge of falling. Jimin stood up and headed to the door “I need to go cool down.” But you didn’t want to let him go, leaving right now wouldn’t solve the problem. You let yourself be buried into his back, holding him back preventing him to leave. “I rejected him tonight! I told him I have a boyfriend that I can’t live without so please don’t go.” Jimin realized that he had overreacted when he left your tears soaking his back. He turned around, and buried into each other’s embrace.

Taehyung (V)

Your boyfriend had a habit of playing games until very late into the night, you’ve accustomed too. Most of the time you would let him mind his own business because he is capable of making his own decision. However, there are times where Taehyung would spend hours on end in front of the screen even though he fully knows of the jam-pack schedule that he has the next day. In those situations, you would try to persuade him to finish early.

However just a few days ago, Taehyung had become newly obsessed with a new game which he has been playing nonstop. You didn’t care much because you were already used to it. It wasn’t until waking up at 4am in the morning to your boyfriends gaming antics. He becomes really loud when he gets immersed into the game but it doesn’t normally wake you. You sat up leaning against the headboard facing towards the light from the screen quietly observing your boyfriend, which he noticed fairly quickly.

“Did I wake you up Y/N?” Even though you shook your head, Taehyung was worried about you not getting enough sleep. “I think I will go outside to play, I don’t want to disturb your sleep.” As he started to pack up his laptop and other gaming equipment to move outside, you thought that you’ve been feeling a little neglected with his constant gaming that you’ve been sleeping in an empty cold bed. Without thinking and before Taehyung could leave the room, you wrapped your arms around his wrist. “You can stay here, I want to stay with you. You can continue playing, I can sit quietly.” He smiled at your clinginess as he agreed. You sat on Taehyung’s lap as he continued to play, slowly drifting back to sleep.

Jungkook

Unlike your boyfriend, you didn’t play games on a day to day basis. You would enjoy playing some games from time to time or when you were bored on public. In the end, you’d rather watch Jungkook play games than actually playing it yourself. However recently because of Taehyung’s new obsession with a game, your bunny boyfriend has also started to play more than his usual amount.

You guys were in the living room, he was playing games while you read the book that you’ve been slowly working through. You liked to ramble about what you’re reading while normally Jungkook would listen to you attentively even if he would be doing something else. Contrary to the other days, Jungkook wasn’t paying much attention to your usual rambling which at first you didn’t mind because you knew that he was concentrating on the game. but when after he finished a game and he still didn’t answer your questions, you got impatient.

“Jungkook, I asked what you wanted to eat for dinner. Are you not answering?” To your surprise, instead of answering, he started a new game. Angry, you took the remote control out of his hand. He became annoyed that you interrupted his newly started game, that he got up from the couch. Realising that you may have gotten your impatience got the better of you. A back-hug was the only way you can tell him effectively that you were sorry. You held into him tightly. “I’m sorry too, let’s go cook dinner.” As Jungkook dragged you towards the kitchen while you still held onto him tightly.

[floraobsidian]

deprivation (1/3)

The incredible @random-snippets wrote a six-part story called Starved focusing on a touch-starved Virgil, which I read in its entirety and loved to bits, and then there was a post I have lost the link to discussing a touch-starved Logan, and then I started thinking about the possibility of the other sides being touch-starved as well. And then this happened.

Word Count: 1312 Warnings: self-deprecation, negative thinking

Part Two | Part Three

Logan was not a foolish person. Rather, he was the diametric opposite to a foolish person; to be foolish was the antithesis to his very nature. Logic. Logos. Decisions based on reason and rational thinking.

And that right there was the crux of the matter. The decisive or most important point at issue. Logan was not a foolish person. Logan knew exactly why he so often felt so off-kilter. He could list studies to back his reasoning and subsequent conclusion; he could pull up numerous web pages and scholarly articles detailing symptoms and ways to combat them. But the problem here was based primarily in emotions, and so Logan, the purely logical side of Thomas’ mind, was at a loss as to how he should approach it.

Touch starvation, colloquially known as “skin hunger.” When a person was physically isolated from others. Effects could include, but were not limited to, heightened anxiety, heightened depression, feelings of loneliness, mental strain.

Logically, the solution was to ask for a hug once in a while, or to initiate physical contact himself more often.

Emotionally… no. Just. Nope. Hugs– or any sort of touch, really– carried with them varying levels of intimacy, no matter if they were sexual in nature or not, and Logan… didn’t. Emotions were not things that could be predicted; he had no basis for how the other sides would react to requests for such, particularly since he was the one asking. He had no basis to explain why he was asking; yes, he was dealing with touch starvation, and touch starvation on its own he could explain in great detail, textbook-perfect, but trying to put into words how it applied to himself…? They could react terribly, for all he knew, or laugh, or worse– simply dismiss it as something not their problem–

…Those would be the thoughts resulting from heightened feelings of anxiety. Knowing that did not make the thoughts go away, or stop them from continuing to spiral, but they did not, at the very least, get any worse. Perhaps he would need to reevaluate his conversations with Virgil at a later date.

Sighing, Logan took off his glasses and pressed his hands against his face, keenly aware of the empty organization of his room around him. Other methods to combat touch starvation included hot baths or showers, or cuddling with something like a pet. There were no pets in the mindscape, but no one would notice if he borrowed a plush out of a memory. He could certainly tuck a heating pad inside a pillow. Hot showers and baths were easy things to come by.

He would be fine. There was always more than one solution to a problem. He would be… fine.

- - -

Roman knew it was… bad? Not-good? Mildly self-destructive?

…He’d settle on “not-good” for now. Ever-optimistic, that was him! The other two were such dreary terms.

But sometimes he went out of his way to pick more dangerous and exciting quests to embark on in Thomas’ dreamscape, and it wasn’t for the glory. And it wasn’t because he wanted to get hurt, that was– well, there was a larger risk of him getting hurt, yes, but he was a prince. Princes always came back victorious! And sometimes, when he would come back, sweaty and muddy and triumphant (always triumphant, but dangerous and exciting quests were difficult, and it showed), one of the other sides, or more than one of the others, would be up and about.

And sometimes, especially if that one side happened to be Patton, they would want to check if he was okay, grab his arm, start fussing. It could be… annoying, yes, especially if the quest had been a long one and he wanted little more than sleep, almost smothering, even, but–

–but they were touching him.

He didn’t know what was wrong with him, that made him so desperate for touch. Any touch. All the other sides seemed perfectly fine with being all non-touchy-feely with one another. Mr. Pocket Protector, obviously, and Panic! At The Everywhere. Even Patton, surprisingly enough, such a fluffy little human that Roman had yet to come up with a decent nickname. And then there was him, the opposite of what a prince should be. Not brave and heroic and steadfast, but craving something that no one else seemed to need.

Ugh.

…He was going to go on another quest soon. Maybe this weekend, after he’d finished helping Thomas with his next video. It would be fun.

- - -

So, it was definitely the goofiness of the whole situation that made him do it.

Being Thomas’ friends was so much fun! It was like acting, really, and they all did like to act, and they never really needed to change how they manifested, so they never did! Doing new things was great. Besides, it…

…it had been a rough day, that day. Not a bad day, but Patton was kinda tired (hi, Kinda Tired, I’m Dad), and kinda confused (didn’t you just say you were Kinda Tired?), and all the switching and swapping about had just made him want to giggle dizzily.

Why don’t we talk more?

Most of the time, whenever he tried to hug one of the other sides, they went all stiff and uncomfortable. And Patton, being Thomas’ moral side, knew better than to push people’s boundaries beyond what they were comfortable with, so he stopped! No more hugs. Even though, like any good dad, he gave great hugs. And even though he really liked them.

Why haven’t we thought to do this before?

And then! Everyone had been having fun switching themselves about, and Thomas had been right there, and Thomas liked hugs! Thomas liked hugs just as much as Patton did!

I’m gonna hug you now!

No– no, you go back over there.

Oh, well.

Patton smiled cheerfully, even though he didn’t really feel too much like smiling. A short hug was still a hug, after all.

- - -

Virgil wrapped his hoodie close around himself.

He wasn’t a cuddly kind of person. At all. Especially with people he didn’t trust.

Anxiety and trust did not go well together. He didn’t trust a lot of people. He didn’t know a lot of people– four, really? Thomas and the other sides. Five if he felt like counting himself. Which he normally didn’t.

They don’t actually like you.

They only came looking for you because Thomas was having problems.

Problems you caused–

“Oh, just shut up,” he muttered to the empty air. Dark and emo his room might be, but it was still something constant. A good place to go for him when thinking got to be too exhausting.

This hoodie, the new hoodie, all big and soft and purple, it was… nice. It was even more comfortable than the old one, even, though it wasn’t quite on par with it. Clothes weren’t really good until they were broken in, until they’d molded themselves to the shape of your body, until they were soft and faded from the number of times they’d been put through the wash.

And… it was like a hug, in a way. He wasn’t a cuddly person, but if someone asked, he wouldn’t say no. Hell, he’d ask for one himself if it wasn’t for a) speaking, b) speaking about emotions, and c) the lingering concern that the others were only tolerating him for Thomas’ sake.

Hugs were… nice. Not that he’d ever really had one. Patton had, once or twice, but Virgil had yanked away since they’d come without warning– just instinct when he was startled, but Patton picked up on it and stopped. None of the other sides were especially cuddly, either, and Virgil wasn’t going to make them and himself uncomfortable by broaching a subject that wasn’t meant to be broached.

Besides, he was just anxiety. Not like he deserved hugs in the first place.

[tumblunni]

Random Long Post About Charon!

This is random, but I feel like fans often don’t take into consideration what Professor Rowan says during the Rotom event. I think his words actually make it very clear that Charon was the kid who wrote the diary and shines some light on Charon’s motivation for acting like a jerk to Rotom. I’ll explain why I believe this:  “Ah, imagine finding you here! You must be eager to fill your Pokédex to be searching even here. What am I doing? I visit a professor I know in Eterna every so often. He tells me intriguing rumors of rare Pokémon sightings and such.” This part isn’t particularly relevant (though I do sort of wonder if the Professor Rowan visits is actually Charon himself), but this next part definitely is: “A Pokémon that slips into electric appliances, you say… Hmm… That is somewhat off from what I’ve heard about it. Hmm… This is what I’ve heard. Long ago, there was a Pokémon that merged with a toy robot. Should that Pokémon be recognized as a new species or not… Debates over the issue were about to start when they were rendered moot. The very topic of discussion–the Pokémon-infused robot–disappeared…” Okay, so the first thing that is really important to note here is that Rowan doesn’t have the exact same information as the player. This means Charon has done research that he was keeping to himself, and fits in with Charon writing that he wants his Rotom research to be a “secret.” But we also learn here that other scientists were at least introduced to Rotom somehow despite this.  Now, as for the “topic of discussion… disappeared” part–because Charon’s lab is secret, these words don’t refer to Rotom leaving the lab. Instead, they must refer to Charon putting it in that lab to keep it a secret. This might seem odd at first–why would Rotom have been introduced to scientists in the first place at all then…? But I actually think this all makes sense. Here’s a stripped-down version of the backstory based on all these details: –Charon obtains information about Rotom “by pure chance,” as he writes in the journal we know for a fact is his. –Other researchers somehow knew about it and were going to start debates about it. –Rotom is locked away in the lab by Charon so that he would get all the credit for describing it.  –Rotom eventually leaves the lab.  This still haves a lot to be desired. Is Charon the same person who found Rotom as a child? It seems that way, since the speech patterns and diction are the same. But then how and why did other researchers learn about Rotom in the first place? Why did Charon want all the credit only after this happened? Here is where analyzing Charon’s character makes everything clear.  Obviously, Charon is a greedy person. Specifically, he seems to be someone who is pragmatic to the point of being a cynical jerk. He desires money for himself and his team, but we know from his dialogue that it’s because he thinks people can’t achieve anything without it. We can also see that Charon has a high opinion of himself (he says so), but it also seems like he may have a low opinion of himself at the same time. The fact that he keeps trying to assert his self-worth, brag, and explain that he has a place in Team Galactic every time he speaks in-game hints at this. Also, Charon’s own co-workers hate him. Considering his plan at the end of the game, we know that if Charon were presented with a way to make himself known to all, he would do everything he could to make that happen. He also at one point says “I like seeing children try their best,” which sounds a bit weird out-of-context, but makes perfect sense if the Rotom kid’s childhood was his.  Putting together all of the information I’ve discussed, here is my interpretation, applying Occam’s Razor the whole way through, of the story behind the Rotom event:  –Charon came across information about Rotom “by pure chance.” How? When it came out of a lawnmower in his childhood. –At some point, Charon was excited to tell everyone about Rotom. They were probably still close friends at this point.  –Other researchers were going to start debates on Rotom after Charon gave them some information about it. –Because of Charon’s greed, desire to belong, and selfishness, he became possessive and wanted to get “all the credit.” He freaked out and locked Rotom away in his secret lab. –Everyone was confused because it had disappeared, and debates couldn’t continue.  –Rotom was upset and tired of being stuck in the lab and left. I’m almost certain this is the story the writers intended.

+++

Bunni’s comments! (is it a tad awkward that you keep sending these as submissions? have you thought about posting your thoughts on your own blog and then I could reblog them? sorry to make you go to all this trouble!)

REALLY LONG THOUGHTS BELOW THE CUT:

This is a really well reasoned theory!! I dunno if we’ll ever really be able to know what story the writers intended until we actually get this plotline expanded in a remake HINT HINT NINTENDO But it does definately seem to me that Charon = kid who had that cute backstory in that journal literally in Charon’s lab written like Charon talks and nobody else does. That seems very much like the simplest option to me, and it makes this character so much more well-developed, yet its kinda not a popuar theory.. alas... I don’t completely follow this exact sequence of events in my headcanons but I do think it fits perfectly with everything we know so far. You’re so good at analysis!!

Personally I think maybe people forget about Rowan’s few sentences at the start of the event... just cos the event is really hard to find. Practically nobody actually played this thing, I certainly never got a chance to do it until a decade later when i was able to emulate + use gamesharks. So before that I got my information secondhand through script-dumps and lets play videos, and a lot of people seem to leave out the rowan bit. A lot of people actually leave out the diary too! It seems even people who actually played the event didnt realise it was there, just grabbed their new rotom form and left. Alas poor Charon, ignored even in a meta sense! Also on Bulbapedia the script-dumps are organized weird. The actual page for the event and the Rotom Room as an area don’t contain it, its just got the diary part and the rowan part cut off separate and put on charon and rowan’s pages respectively.

Anyway, my personal thoughts + alternate interpretation to add to this!

To me it didnt sound like someone else discovered a rotom and tried to start these debates, then Charon freaked out at the competition and became paranoid. To me it sounded like Rowan was talking about someone (Charon) who started a debate and then suddenly vanished on the day it was going to take place. i dunno, just the way it was phrased seemed to come off like this was some relative unknown who popped up with this information about rotom, and then everyone assembled to hear him out. Cos specifically the ONLY information Rowan knows is that its ‘a pokemon that can possess a toy robot’, you’d think if multiple scientists were debating the existence of rotom for a long time then they’d have more info than that, info that isnt super specific to Charon’s situation. Or, at least, you’d think that if they were still researching rotom AFTER this one failed conference, they would have gained more info by now? I dunno, its hard to explain what I mean.

So, the basis for all my deductions is this interpretation that Charon (at least for that moment) had decided his rotom research was finished and wanted to reveal it. For me, the big question is... why didnt he?

WHY would Charon not want to boast about his discovery in this ‘debate about rotom’? We know at least one famous pokemon professor was gonna be there! Charon’s whole thing is (supposedly) wanting to become famous cos of rotom, absolutely no attatchment to it except as a revenue source, yep totally, no lies here. So you’d think that joining in a big debate with a bunch of high ranking scientists and making his great reveal would be.. like.. exactly what he wanted?? Why did it not happen?? 

My interpretation of this is kind of a mushy one linked to my general irrational decision that this man is potentially redeemable and totally has a soul. Alas, why can I never leave the grampademption train! I think that maybe this was some sort of major moment where the good and bad sides of his character clashed. REALLY CLASHED. He’s spent so many years trying to lock off himself into two mutually conflicting boxes, the innocent kid who sees this pokemon as a friend and the bitter cynical old bastard who wants to become famous off it. And now he has to choose, and it led to a complete mental breakdown! He initially chose money over rotom, he was gonna go ahead with the presentation. But then his better side won out and he cancelled it at the last second. He got cold feet, being scared of losing his best friend. Maybe he was actually going so far as to do some sort of morally repugnant deal, he was gonna sell rotom off to the highest bidder and never see it again? Or it’d have to be dissected as the first specemin of a new species, or locked up forever and experimented upon? Or maybe its just simply.. when you only have one friend in the world you kinda wonder if they’d want to keep you around if they found another friend. Maybe he thought rotom only needed him because of his research, maybe he thought it would become just as greedy as him if it got the chance? Maybe he thought that it would leave him if he let anyone else know it existed, which is what led to his growing paranoia and decision that his research was perpetually ‘not done yet’. (Cos seriously, what you see of his lab and stuff seems pretty finished???)

So that’s my interpretation of why he and rotom ‘vanished’ at that point, but then there’s the question of how they ended up separated. this is now going into complete fanfic territory, I dont really have evidence for any of it. In my image of how this whole scene would go down, mid-freakout Charon would have snapped at rotom and it led to an argument that ultimately resulted in like... triple decker bonus back of Regrettable Decisions. Charon’s been shown to kinda dig himself further into his own grave whenever his plans go wrong. So here we go, scene is set with Charon suddenly grabbing everything and running the fuck out the fire exit, five seconds before the meeting is about to start. From rotom’s perspective, it has NO IDEA what is going on, it just listens when he says to get in the pokeball. And now we have Charon in the position of having NO CLUE how to explain this all when he opens that pokeball again, he’d never just be honest about his feelings. Hell, he’s such an emotionally stunted guy wrapped up in his own neuroses, i don’t know if he’d even be honest about his feelings to HIMSELF! He just sitting here having a panic attack like ‘why did i do that?? I was about to become rich??’ Giant neon sign flies overhead saying ‘YOU HAVE EMOTIONS’, he ignores it. I figure he’d also exaggerate it in his head and destroy his entire scientific career just because he thinks he’s embarassed himself too much to go back. And he’s decided that this somehow proves that being a good person will only ruin all your dreams, and you have to be as bitter as possible to succeed. this is where he went from a dubious guy who occasionally breaks the law to ‘well I’d better jump off the slippery slope forever and join a space based evil team, literally just because of One Social Anxiety Moment’. (Relateable, amirite?) And ironically everyone he met that day is literally just thinking ‘oh god what happened to that guy, is he okay?’ and would have totally understood if he just explained his damn self... So all his panic comes to a head and he decides to blame rotom rather than actually do some in-depth analysis of his own life choices. I feel bad because I don’t want to hurt my friend?? I personally value friends higher than money? No, nonsense, you’ve somehow CORRUPTED ME! How could you do this, don’t you know how important that meeting was? WAS THIS YOUR PLAN ALL ALONG??? It was my ONE CHANCE! (apparantly, according to me)

So even though he just ran away because he didn’t want to lose rotom.... he throws away rotom. (just imagine the internal screaming this man must have experienced for the next twenty years)

It was a stupid, STUPID decision based on misdirected anger that he should have been aiming at himself. Nope, can’t believe that the great charon might have made a mistake, that friendship might indeed be a thing that exists in your dried up old heart. Instead it has just proven that friendship = weakness! And now because of this you’ve turned a salvageable situation into the worst disaster possible, yet again. (Man, I feel like Charon can barely survive without rotom. Its not just his conscience but a large chunk of his common sense...)

And rotom of course has NO IDEA why its suddenly been abandoned, so it probably was a really depressing time sitting alone in its trainer’s old house, hoping he’ll eventually come back so you can apologise for something that you don’t even know what it is... And at the same time we have Charon freaking the fuck out for decades, too caught up in his own neuroses to make the very simple decision of just turning around and walking back to where he left that pokeball. And even if he got there, what would he even say? Would he actually have the balls to admit he was wrong, or would he make excuses? ‘Oh, I was just too busy to visit, so much work to do, don’t make a mountain out of a molehill’ In his darkest moments he even considers that maybe he’s wrong to regret this decision at all. ‘But I did the right thing, I don’t need rotom, I don’t need anyone, I have to sacrifice everything to be famous...’ He’s probably even managed to get all the way to the door of the old chateau before running away yet again, leaving rotom thinking it just imagined seeing him outside the window :( Its like in his past when he startled rotom and it thought it had hurt him, but this is if he didn’t chase after it and just left time frozen on that moment. Well, he wishes it was, that he could just choose any second to take back his decision and everything would go back to normal. Never that easy, though...

I APOLOGISE FOR OVERLY LONG POORLY EXPLAINED FANFIC THOUGHTS WHILE I AM SLEEP DEPRIVED ok i need to go cry over dumb grandpas and then probably get some damn rest

oh wait one last random headcanon! i think that charon’s secret lab in team galactic eterna building is actually something he only built after the big moment of abandoning his pokemon Why does Charon have a rotom lab here if he doesnt have a rotom anymore? sure it could just mean he lost his rotom relatively recently, but since my fanfic idea places it earlier in the timeline I like to think that maybe he’s made this room in case he ever gets rotom back. He made a bunch of form-machines even better than the old ones, and decorated the place all fancy, and hopes that maybe it could be at least a small apology for all the suffering he’s put his friend through. Though he doesnt understand that rotom isnt as superficial as he is, so he cant just buy back its love... He just sits in there are rereads his journal whenever he gets nostalgic, he hasnt actually done any science in there for years. Also, it would maybe explain the duplicate rotom lab in silph co in HGSS? that’s the original, and he’s tried to make his new galactic lab as similar as possible because of how guilty he feels, and how he wants to just escape that guilt by turning back time instead of actually saying sorry.

A big thing I always struggle with in writing redemptiony fics is whether I’m lessening a character’s evil and forgiving them too easily and all. I think this series of events would definately still qualify as A Total Dick Move, even if its one that actually has a reason to it other than just ‘i’m evil’, and hurt himself as much as he hurt rotom. And man its so frustrating, seriously I’m here like ‘DUDE STOP IGNORING YOUR EPIPHANIES, JUST GO APOLOGIZE’ yet I also know that if I make him do it immediately and have everything resolved without conflict it’ll be so much less of a believeable redemption arc :P so yeah believe me i still wanna slap charon just as much as everyone who hates charon does, just for different reasons XD Also he needs a hug too. But he needs to do a lot of development before he could actually earn it!

[rissaroundtheworld]

Less Money, Mo’ Problems: A Tribute to Crossing the Pacific, Told Through the Majesty of 90′s Hip-Hop

I'm currently in what I have come to refer to as a "treat yo-self" time. It's a special time during travel when I completely ignore my budget, indulge in a private room, enjoy the food I want instead of the food I should be buying (which at this point is basically street meat), sometimes I even pay for a massage or something equally crazy! This treat yo-self finds me in Chiangmai, Thailand, recovering from a week in Phuket. I am sunburnt, polka dotted with bug bites, covered in cuts and bruises, and, oh yeah - I have the equivalent of about $120 USD to last me the next 3 weeks. To explain how I got here, let me start where it all began - crossing the Pacific. To help me tell the tale I'll be employing some of my favorite 90's hip hop lyrics (you didn't think that habit died on the road, did you?) So pack it up, pack it in, and let me begin.

The story begins with a bit of time travel, as flying from LA to Bali prevented me from ever experiencing February 2nd. Someone should tell me how that day was. I arrived in Denpasar exhausted after over 20 hours in the air, but luckily for me the journey was not over - my luggage was lost!! Fortunately the situation was remedied quickly (I'm still unclear how) and I headed to Kuta, where I managed to keep myself awake until 7:30 pm. Would this be the start of a new life as a morning person? (Spoiler alert: no chance.) Waking up around 4:30 am allowed me to get a slightly early start on the day, and I decided to follow the instructions of the ever reliable world wide web and rent a scooter to tour the area. Of note: I have never, ever operated a motorized, two wheeled vehicle before. In fact, until just this year, I had never even been on one. This didn't seem to phase the rental company, so I sat back, relaxed, and strapped on my helmet. I took off, and immediately dropped it like its hot. Literally. Unfortunately, the next 48 hours or so followed the same trend: I tried to walk off my crash and ended up with a ridiculous sunburn. I took a shuttle ride from hell. Got dropped off at the wrong location and had to walk 1.2 miles with my 70-ish lbs of gear bearing down on my burn. I thought, man... this place is poison! 

However, this all changed once I began to explore Ubud, which is where the death shuttle had taken me (3 hours to get 16 miles, you don't need a golden calculator to know something went wrong there.) I know I use this word far to frivolously (working on it!) but Ubud is truly, truly magical. I saw waterfalls, temples, beaches, and countryside, all of which blew my mind. I ate delicious food, saw live music, and made some fantastic friends. I saw traditional Balinese dancing, which was so mesmerizing that I couldn't even take pictures. I met Balinese people, who are the kindest, most generous people I have ever met. While buying a water at a convenience "store" (hut) a woman literally fed me dinner out of her own bowl. With her hands. Was this all a dream?!

The energy in Ubud felt like it was feeding my soul, and the adventures seemed boundless. I was in good company, and did I mention its the cheapest place EVER?!? Most quality meals ran about $4-$5, with a cheap but still delicious option as low as $1.50. I got a 60 minute massage for $8. My private hotel room with a pool and room service breakfast was $15 a night. Ubud had got what I need(ed). So, I made a crazy move and, rather than try and fight the feelings... I stayed. My plane ticket to Australia came and went, and I made the executive decision to head north instead of south. Asia had me hooked, and I couldn't stop staring. 

So I called up a friend, and by friend I mean someone I met once for a few hours out at a bar in Arizona. One thing I've learned is that, in the travel community, the slightest connection automatically makes you best friends. So I call my BFF Lisa and said "girl, you know you better watch out, I'm coming to wherever you are." Turns out that wherever was Patong Beach in Phuket, Thailand. I flew in on Valentines Day and I came to get down, but I had NO idea the madness that I was in for. Bangla Rd is, without question, the most wild place I have ever been. Vegas... you can't touch this. 

Most of what took place in Patong is unsuitable for an public blog post. I met some really wonderful friends, had a lot of good laughs, and found myself saying "I never thought I would see that/do that/say that out loud" on a semi-regular basis. I also went to some of the craziest bars and clubs I have ever experienced... including the infamous ping pong show. If you don't know what that is, please don't google it. My homeboys tried to warn me ("you have to go once but you'll never go back) and they were quite right. I can't unsee some of the sights of Patong.

I knew that I had to back up off it and sit my cup down or I would likely die, either due to exhaustion or because I had gouged my own eyeballs out. So Lisa and I headed over to Koh Phi Phi, which did not solve any of my problems whatsoever. Wanting to make the most of my time there I pushed it real good (you should have been waiting for that one) and we continued the rump shakin on the islands. We swam in the ocean, which was beautifully teal and the perfect temperature. We ate great food on the beach, did some cheap shopping, and saw an AMAZING fire show! We also, either together or separately: cut ourselves on coral, fell and smashed our knees on a stage, participated in the rescue of a completely random drunk girl (hope you're alive, Sarah!), lost one debit card, had the other debit card compromised, and to top it off, I got onto a ferry and drove away with the key to Lisa's security locker. I guess this is how we do it.

So here I am. I have at least two more days of alone time to catch up on much needed sleep. I have very little cash, but have prepared my family that they will likely have to make a trip to Western Union (ya'll think I'm gonna let my dough freeze?) Tomorrow I will use some of the precious little cash I have to take the treacherous drive to Pai, which hopefully will allow me to participate in some more outdoor activities (and there's a circus school, dreams do come true!) I wouldn't call it a comeback just yet, but I feel like things are going to get easier. Hopefully this post has given you a good idea of what I've been up to, but more importantly, I hope I have sabotaged you with at least one of these hip hop references. You're welcome. Props to anyone who can count how many there are :)

[ineedrelationshipadvice]

My boyfriend believes a psycho!

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 months now. he’s the best thing that ever happened to me. however, he once asked me about my past and shit, but in really specific details. he’s my first in everything but I had a best friend (a guy) back then and we fooled around a little. for example I sent nudes where not all my body appeared but I did that to give myself confidence not to please that guy. so anyway that best friend turns out to be a total psycho even though we’ve been best friends for 5 years so that was extremely unexpected. and I’ve told my boyfriend about what happened, and when he did he was somewhat disappointed. now that psycho called my boyfriend and told these stuff with addition of some lies, and now he’s mad at me and he talked to me in an extremely cruel way and then asked me to give him time. let’s not forget that he didn’t really speak up on my behalf to that asshole. and now I feel horrible, like I’m used up, I feel like he views me as a cheap slut who will give her body to anybody who asks. please keeps this anonymous thanks

Well let’s get the obvious out of the way: you’re not a bad person for doing what you did. You sent some nudes; whoop-dee-doo. Not only is this something that many people do, but you seem to have rationalized your actions in a very healthy way. You did what you did for YOU, because it made YOU feel better and more confident. That’s only a good thing, and I’m glad that you were able to give yourself a pick-me-up through this method.

It should be mentioned here, this is obviously NOT a safe way to go about boosting your confidence. As you’ve seen from this whacko, some people are assholes. Your nudes are you at your most intimate, and because of the way laws work, there aren’t a whole lot of things you can do when you give away a nude. You have to assume that when you give out a nude, that nude is out of your hands forever, and if some crazy person wants to use that nude however they want, that’s a thing that they can do. You know this by now, but this is also for anyone else reading, especially women: BE CAREFUL WHEN SENDING NUDES. It is not a bad thing to do, but make sure that you’re not giving your pictures out to people who cannot be trusted, because people who might do bad things will almost always do those bad things. 

To the point though: what do? 

Again, you’re not a cheap slut, even if your boyfriend’s cruel words make you feel that way. You know you’re not, and you know why you did what you did. Try to remind yourself of that reality. You know what you did, and  you know that you had good reasons for it. That’s enough, and you shouldn’t feel bad about being confident in your body. 

Try to look at things from your boyfriend’s perspective. Here he was, dating you, and suddenly someone who he doesn’t know - who may have claimed to be your ex since he’s so crazy - revealed that you were doing these HORRIBLE and TERRIBLE things; NAUGHTY things that are UNBECOMING. HOW DARE SHE. Painting someone in a negative light like this can be really damaging, and if someone who hears these things believes that person, it’s only natural to be suspicious. 

That doesn’t make your boyfriend right though. In fact, getting upset at you for things you did while you weren’t dating him is simply unfair. Unfortunately, many people are stupid, and can’t rationalize that. He feels, on some level, like you cheated, even though that is absolutely ludicrious. We’re just trying to understand where he’s coming from, and all of these negative emotions that he feels come from a place of deep-seated jealousy and insecurity. He thought you were his prize, that you were there for him and only for him, only to learn that you were not as pure and innocent as he thought. That is his purity complex, and he needs to get it out of his head that he’s Christopher Columbus setting foot on the Americas; he was not first to you, and he may not be the last, so at the end of the day, he’s in the wrong for judging you and needs to figure that out. 

It should also be noted that you can’t really judge him for not “speaking up for you” against this psycho guy. He has no obligation to do so; it would be nice if he did, but he was having his core principles of his relationship shaken, so it’s understandable that he reacted in the way that he did. The real problem is that his core principles are not based on steady ground in the first place, because he had built them from a lie about how relationships actually work: he is not the first boy, and he is not the last boy. 

What do? 

Well, he asked for time, so you should give that time to him. Spend your time while waiting to think about the best ways to explain what happened. When he is finally ready to talk, ask if he wants to continue the relationship. It’s a simple question, and it forces a simple answer. Be prepared for him to say no, because it’s entirely possible that he might. 

If he wants to continue the relationship, this is when you can explain your side of the story if you haven’t already. Explain that you didn’t care to titillate this guy, and that you sent him pictures to boost your own self-confidence, and it worked. Furthermore, explain that you did this before you were dating him, so you weren’t cheating against him. This is the basis of your argument, and it’s inarguable; you were single, and thus you mingled; if your boyfriend tries to say you were wrong to do that, that tells you more about how your boyfriend treats his partners than it does about how you should act.

Finally, this is where you can also explain that you’re a little upset that you believed some random asshole over you. Politely explain that you wish he took your side, and respected your decisions before his relationship with you, and defended you against the salacious accusations this guy was making to him. Part of the trust in a relationship means that you both have to give each other the benefit of the doubt sometimes, and your boyfriend didn’t do that. It may be a good time to also clarify what parts of what psycho guy said were lies and which were truths. 

From there, you guys have to see what you want to do. Can you get over these hurdles together? Or would it maybe be in everyone’s best interest to potentially move on? That’s something that you two will have to come to terms with moving forward. 

[georgiaitpsite-blog]

How to Stop Smoking cigarettes Cigarettes For Everyday living

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Knowing how to stop cigarette cigarette smoking is a very individual program. Though there are a selection of guidelines and nicotine alternative remedy motion plans which have labored miracles for tens of hundreds of people who smoke, the particulars in just about every system are incidental to each individual recovering smoker's requirements. For occasion, while some recovering people who smoke could desire to switch their early morning cigarette with a considerable breakfast, a tall glass of chilly h2o, a shower, or morning tooth brushing others might desire to swap the A.M. cigarette with a early morning jog, quiet meditation, yoga, or any other healthy action. For each individual portion of the day, attempt to occur up with alternate actions to using tobacco cigarettes that you can love and as your stop day draws in close proximity to, observe applying them into your day-to-day recovery prepare as a way to substitute nicotine. 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Use this approach of how to quit smoking and operate with it for a much healthier, tobacco no cost existence.  

[theliterateape]

Book Club Made Me Read It | The Changeling

By Kari Castor

I’m a member of a small, informal, friends, and friends-of-friends book club. We try to read one book every 5 five weeks or so. The rules are simple: Everyone gets an opportunity to pick a book for the book club to read. Each member must pick a book that they have not personally read before and each member is responsible for leading the discussion after we read their selection. Sometimes the books are good. Sometimes they are not. I review them here regardless of their quality.

I’m a bitch and don’t care about ruining the experience for you, so I’m going to include spoilers whenever I please. That’s your only warning. Proceed at your own risk.

The Changeling by Victor LaValle

Sigh. I wanted to like this one. I thought I was going to like this one. Hell, I did rather like the first 128 pages of this one, which makes it a real shame when the whole thing shits the bed in the final two-thirds.

Here’s the problem: Victor LaValle’s The Changeling is not a novel. It is at least three separate stories that are loosely stitched together into some vague semblance of a novel. It is an effective and frightening novella stretched into an increasingly disappointing novel. It is a bunch of ideas, about parenthood and family legacies and the dangers of the internet, with which the author would like to whack you about the head. It is a heavy-handed fairy tale that bemoans the heavy-handedness of fairy tales.

The first 128 pages are primarily the story of a relationship. Apollo Kagwa’s father left when he was a child, and he has felt the loss echo acutely across his life. Apollo meets, woos, and marries Emma Valentine, and they have a child. Apollo is deliriously happy to be a father, and he vows to be everything to his own son that he wishes his father could have been to him. Meanwhile, Emma slips increasingly into darkness and despair, refusing to call baby Brian by his name, refusing to care for him, insisting that he isn’t Brian at all. Apollo and Emma’s relationship grows antagonistic. Frustrated and angry at her inability to snap out of it, he pushes her away and devotes himself wholly to Brian. Emma’s presence in the story (which is told primarily from Apollo’s perspective) begins to feel more like that of a malevolent spirit than of a co-parent and partner. And then one day, Apollo wakes up chained with a bike lock to a steam pipe in their apartment and a kettle is whistling on the stove, and Brian is wailing in his bedroom. And Emma, Emma who has been insisting that the baby is wrong, takes a hammer to Apollo’s face and the kettle of boiling water to Brian’s room with the words, “It’s not a baby.”

And holy shit if this book had ended right there, I’d be writing a very different review right now. The vibrancy of their early relationship with each other, the slow creep of horror as things become more and more wrong in the Kagwa-Valentine household, the awful question of whether Emma might actually be right, the visceral brutality of the final scenes… It works. It’s good.

Unfortunately, the book doesn’t end there. Instead, it takes one of the dullest turns for the fantastical that I’ve ever encountered.

The narrative continues after a time skip: Baby Brian is dead and buried, and Emma is missing, a fugitive from the law. Apollo, a used-bookseller, sells a rare book to a weird nerd who says he hopes to win his wife back with an extravagant gift, and then the nerd tells Apollo that he knows Emma is alive, and that his internet friends helped track her down. Apollo thinks this is great news, because he wants to kill Emma himself for murdering their child, so he and the weird nerd go on an adventure together to a magical island on the East River inhabited by women and children. The women there all, like Emma, killed their babies on the basis of a belief that it wasn’t their baby. Apollo starts to believe this fake baby thing might hold some water after all, and then we find out that his weird nerd buddy is actually a bad guy and the evidence of his badness is that… he killed his baby. Yeah, I know, but you see, he killed his real baby and not his fake baby, and that makes all the difference. Anyway, then his mysterious bad guy friends show up to wreak havoc and everyone flees the island and none of it really matters.

The whole island episode is about one hundred pages long and could be lifted entirely out of the book with no real loss to the plot.

I should probably curb my impulse to continue summarizing the absolutely whack plot of this book, in large part because I’m afraid that the short version will make it sound much more interesting than it actually is, but the whole thing ends with Apollo finding Emma, who is a witch now, and they fuck and get back together without ever bothering to have a conversation about the fact that she hammered his fucking face in and maybe they should look for a couples counselor or something. Also, a troll has been trying to raise the real not-dead baby Brian, so Apollo and Emma kill the troll and get their baby back and also murder both the weird nerd who bought the rare book and the nerd’s dad, but not before the dad does a straight-up Bond-villain exposition dump to explain everything about how a troll emigrated to New York with a bunch of Norwegians in the 1820s and now his family is responsible for stealing real babies and replacing them with fake changeling babies, so the troll can try to raise the real babies (except it always fucks up and eats them instead).

The book… takes one of the dullest turns for the fantastical that I’ve ever encountered.

Meanwhile, there’s a B-plot about Apollo’s absent father, which eventually reveals that Apollo’s dad tried to kill him (in a fit of If I can’t have him, no one gets to.) as a toddler. Also, Emma’s mom tried to kill her and her sister as part of a murder-suicide. Basically this book is an exercise in How many subplots and backstories centered on the themes of ‘family secrets’ and ‘violence committed by parents in the name of their children’ can I cram into a single book? There is a distinct lack of subtlety at work in this book.

Much to-do is made about the dangers of posting things on Facebook (people will know things about you!), which mostly reads as though it is written by someone who has never actually used Facebook himself but asked his friend to tell him about it. The book twice uses the exact same metaphor about how dangerous it is: That putting stuff about your life on the internet is like inviting a vampire into your home — you’ve compromised your safety by making your private world accessible to the monsters. One of the villains (the aforementioned weird nerd) is an internet troll working in cahoots with an actual troll. I cannot roll my eyes hard enough to convey my exasperation with this.

There’s a bunch of miscellaneous shit that seems like it’s meant to be symbolic or important but just… isn’t. There’s a room that has four space heaters in it, which seems like it’s an important detail given how many times the extreme heat in the room is referenced, but it turns out the only reason there are four space heaters in that room is that the plot requires a way for Apollo and Emma set a house fire later, and four space heaters fits the bill nicely. Another example: The narration specifically remarks upon a headstone with the name Catherine Linton on it, at the cemetery where not-Brian is buried, but it doesn’t appear to mean anything... Did the author intend some symbolic significance there that he failed to convey? (At best, I can come up with some loose connection to the general “fucked up families” theme that runs rampant in The Changeling.) Is it supposed to be a fun little easter egg for the lit nerd who recognizes that name as a character from Wuthering Heights? Is it just “Look at how smart I am, I can drop in random literary references” masturbatory bullshit?

Honestly, an extraordinary amount of stuff happens in this book, and most of it is a mix of astonishingly boring and ham-fisted. It tries really hard to weave an epic modern fairy tale about parenthood, but there are too many abrupt left turns into entirely new plots and not enough cohesion and interweaving of threads throughout the whole tale. Classic fairy tales can do that sort of thing and still work in no small part because they’re short, but this is a 430-page book, which is actually just several ideas for different novellas loosely Frankensteined together, and all of them end up being less interesting collectively than any one of them might have been on its own.

MY RATING: 2/5 stars

POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT FOR: Writing a solid 128-page novella about a woman who might have serious postpartum depression or might actually have identified that her baby is a changeling and no one else can see it.

PLEASE NO MORE: Everything after page 128.

SHOUT-OUT TO: Victor LaValle's Destroyer, which is a comic book unrelated to The Changeling aside from the fact that it has the same author. But the full title of the comic book is legit Victor LaValle's Destroyer, which is just… awful. Why would you do that? Sorry Victor LaValle, but you’re nowhere near good enough or famous enough to justify putting your own name as a possessive in the title, and I don’t care if it’s your fault or the publisher’s fault, fuck everyone involved in that decision.

[gayatri001]

1. “I suppose it is tempting, if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail.” – Abraham Maslow

This American psychologist of humanistic current alerts us of a reality we often overlook: our knowledge, expectations and attitudes determine the way we face problems. If we do not worry about enriching our backpack of psychological tools for life, we will end up having a very limited vision that will probably lead us to make bad decisions.

2. “The only normalpeople are the ones you don’t knowvery well.” – Alfred Adler

The founder of Individual Psychology encourages us to reflect on the concept of normality. We are all unique and different, which also means that we are not “normal”, at least in the most restrictive sense of the term. Being different, moving away from the norm, is not a negative thing, it is simply a sign of identity.

3. “Remembering is the best way to forget.” – Sigmund Freud

The father of Psychoanalysis was referring to many traumatic events that remain latent, so they will continue to cause damage until we process them from the emotional point of view and incorporate them into our biographical history. That’s why sometimes, to keep going, you have to look back.

4. “Through others we become ourselves.” – Lev. S. Vygotsky

This Russian psychologist of the historical-cultural current emphasizes the importance of the relationships with others in the construction of the personality. According to his theory, everything intrapsychological, first was interpsychological. This psychological quote leaves us with a great lesson: we must be very careful with the environment that we create around us and the people we allow to enter, because we can end up assuming their attitudes and ways of seeing life, which can sometimes be “toxic”.

5. “Whenever two people meet, there are really six people present. There is each man as he sees himself, each man as the other person sees him, and each man as he really is.” – William James

A phrase of Psychology to think about the complexity that encloses all communicative situation. This psychologist, a pioneer of Scientific Psychology, reminds us that our communication is always mediated by many factors, from our expectations and values ​​to the image we want to project and, of course, the image we have of our interlocutor.

6. “The greater the crowd, the more insignificant the person.” – Carl Gustav Jung

This psychological quote emphasizes the importance of understanding the influence of the group on our behavior. Jung, who was psychoanalytically oriented, understood that the group’s points of view and norms exert such pressure on each of its members that they can practically erase the person as an individual. Being aware of this phenomenon will allow us to maintain our freedom of decision even when we are part of a group.

7. “When we can no longer change the situation, we can only change ourselves.” – Viktor Frankl

The founder of the Logotherapy gives us a great lesson, especially considering the story of his life since he was a prisoner in Nazi concentration camps, where he dedicated himself helping other prisoners like him. Frankl explains that although we cannot change certain situations because we do not have control over the elements that compose them, we can always decide how to deal with them since we have control over our thoughts, attitudes and feelings.

8. “Only a person who has faith in himself can be faithful to other.” – Erich Fromm

This psychologist, who devoted much of his life investigating love, tells us about the importance of cultivating inside ourselves what we will project to the world. He encourages us to look inside ourselves, to understand that many times our reactions are not mediated by external events but by our thoughts and emotional states. It is a radical change of perspective because when we understand it, we stop blaming the others and begin to take responsibility. Then the real inner change occurs.

9. “The disappearance of the sense of responsibility is the greatest consequence of submission to authority.” – Stanley Milgram

This psychologist, who contributed significantly to the development of Social Psychology with his research on obedience to authority, warns us of a great danger: when we submit to authority figures we give up control and get rid of responsibility for our actions. When we let the others impose their authority, they will end up deciding for us.

10. “You’ve never been taught how to talk with your gestures, but you were taught to speak with words.” – Paul Ekman

This phrase of Psychology puts us in front of one of the great deficiencies of our education: the mastery of emotions and verbal language. In fact, Paul Ekman is a pioneer in the study of emotions and facial expression. However, we must not forget that pretty often we say much more with our body than with words, so we should pay more attention to our extraverbal language.

11. “If an individual is intellectually passive, he will not be free morally.” – Jean Piaget

This psychologist, creator of constructivism, encourages us to pose ourselves moral dilemmas, to question our most ingrained values. Only when we question things and try to find them a meaning we can be morally free, truly. Without intelligence, without that ability to ask ourselves questions, we just follow the moral rules imposed by society, we become mere sponges that absorb values ​​that we do not understand and are the cause of psychological disorders and/or a rigid behavior.

12. “Never think that you already know all. However highly you are appraised, always have the courage to say to yourself-I am ignorant.”- Ivan Pavlov

This Russian psychologist, who developed the Classical Conditioning, encourages us to be humble and keep learning every day. There is nothing worse than be excessively proud of ourselves thinking that we have reached the perfection, because in that very moment we will begin to die a little each day, finding nothing that motivates us to continue searching and discovering. Humility is the best tool to learn.

13. “The objectives transform a random walk into a chase.” – Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

This psychological reflection is particularly illuminating because it allows us to glimpse that on many occasions, setting objectives and following a goal takes away from the activities in which we engage the pleasure, satisfaction and happiness that could have been generated. This psychologist who has studied the state of the flow, encourages us to enjoy more the present moment, like children, forgetting a little of the goals that make us fall into the trap of conclusionism.

14. “I am not in this life to fulfill the expectations of other people, nor do I feel that the world should comply with mine.” – Fritz Perls

This psychologist, creator of Gestalt Therapy, with this psychological quote gives us a very interesting starting point, because each person must take responsibility for his decisions and his life. He teaches us that connecting with others is wonderful, but also that we should not submit to their expectations, let alone live according to what others expect from us.

15. “A prejudice, unlike a wrong idea, is actively resistant to all the tests that try to deny it.” – Gordon W. Allport

This psychologist, who always emphasized the uniqueness of each person and the importance of living in the present, gives us a great lesson: when we are victims of the confirmation bias, it is very difficult for us to get rid of a prejudice since we will only take note of the facts that confirm our beliefs and discard the rest.

16. “If you want truly to understand something, try to change it.” – Kurt Lewin

This psychologist, creator of the Field Theory, reminds us that to understand the situations, we must actively involve ourselves in them. When we try to change something, we are really forced to understand the different factors that are influencing that situation, so we acquire a more global perspective. This Psychology quote encourages us to assume a proactive role instead of sitting on the edge of the path to criticize or complain.

17. “Follow your heart, but carry your brain with you.” – Alfred Adler

This psychologist, famous for his concept of the inferiority complex, encourages us to balance logic and emotions. This psychological reflection is very important because it shows us that emotions are not our enemies, but powerful allies that give us the necessary passion, while reason is what guides us on the way to take the most appropriate steps.

18. “Knowledge is an antidote to fear.” – Gerd Gigerenzer

This psychologist who developed multiple investigations on reason and decision making, gives us a great advice: often fear comes from ignorance, the reason why the best antidote is to get informed. We must not forget that we tend to fear and criticize everything we do not understand, out of simple ignorance. That is the basis of the rigid attitudes that reject what is different, only because we do not understand it.

19. “People tend to evaluate themselves by comparing themselves with the others, not using absolute standards.” – Leon Festinger

This psychologist, creator of the Theory of Cognitive Dissonance, summarizes with this psychological phrase our tendency to evaluate ourselves according to the standards of the others, which becomes the main cause of our dissatisfactions and tensions. The simple fact of being aware of this phenomenon allows us to detach a bit from its influence and analyze our self-image from a more personal perspective, based on our authentic aspirations and values.

20. “The best yearsof your lifeare the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny.”- Albert Ellis

With this phrase about the role we play in our life, the creator of the Rational Emotive Therapy encourages us not to look for external excuses or guilty. Assuming responsibility for our decisions gives us enormous power, because we pass from being a passive spectator of our life to being the real protagonists.

[linabrigette]

IOTA: The $3.7 Billion Crypto Developers Love to Hate

Cryptocurrency is crawling with ambitious visions for the future.

Indeed, one of the most hyped ways in which the technology could come to proliferate is through its union with a concept called the internet of things (IoT), whereby nearly everything (think watches, refrigerators and automobiles) is connected to the internet and as such, “talks” to each other. For instance, a sensor on your milk carton in the refrigerator might notice that you’re down to the last cup and send out an order to the local grocery store.

The project IOTA is garnering quite a bit of attention for adding cryptocurrency-inspired technology to this use case, turning it into a more open market.

Indeed, at tech meetups in New York City, it’s not uncommon to hear developers remark that IOTA’s underpinning technology, the “blockchainless blockchain,” or the so-called “tangle,” is the future of the blockchain space.

Not only is IOTA touted as a way to upend the silos of the current centralized system, streamlining business in terms of time and cost, but also as a way to rid the blockchain industry of all that plagues it – such as the technology’s scaling issues, which cause transaction backlogs and high fees and the massive amounts of energy the technology’s architecture consumes.

“The obvious thing is that [IOTA] is the first project that went beyond blockchain. Got rid of miners. In the process we solved the main pain points of transactions – no fees,” said IOTA co-founder David Sonstebo, in an interview with BTC News Today. 

These bold claims appear bolstered by partnerships with large enterprises and agencies, including Volkswagen and the City of Taipei in Taiwan.

Yet, the IOTA team of 150 developers, cryptographers and others can’t always keep their stories straight, and have other times dealt poorly with criticism, especially as it relates to security holes in its architecture.

As such, experts question whether many of IOTA’s ideas will actually work in practice and if they don’t, whether current investors and users, which are supporting a $2.7 billion network by market cap, will be left out of luck.

“It’s pretty horrifying. The horrifying thing is their market cap is so high,” said Aviv Zohar, a crypto researcher and senior lecturer at The Hebrew University.

Since researchers have pointed out so many holes in IOTA already, he expects more to come, and the IOTA bashing to continue.

Zohar told BTC News Today:

“IOTA is a currency I love to hate.”

MIT head-to-head

Zohar isn’t alone there.

The negativity surrounding IOTA’s tech started in September after an investigation by researchers from MIT’s Digital Currency Initiative (DCI) found what they argue is a vulnerability in the project’s code.

According to the researchers, IOTA developers used a hash function created in-house (called P-Curl) to secure data within the system, a huge no-no among cryptographers, who argue it’s preferred to use the highly studied and scrutinized functions that already exist today.

But IOTA developers say, in fact, the decision was intentional – designed to prevent anyone from copying their open-source software.

Researchers, though, have shot back, arguing that doesn’t make much sense since the basis of open-source software is that it is given to the broader developer community to be freely copied.

“The IOTA developers haven’t been able to explain to me why they think their insecure hash function is safe,” tweeted Matthew Green, a cryptography professor at John Hopkins.

But things escalated even further from there.

“He should be scared, there are lawyers working on that already,” tweeted IOTA co-founder Sergei Ivancheglo, threatening Boston University’s Ethan Heilman, one of the researchers who reported the hash function vulnerability.

During the Financial Crypto 2018 conference at the end of February, Ivancheglo’s tweet was a major discussion point. While nerdy debates turning vicious is nothing new for the cryptocurrency space, security researchers argue that threatening lawsuits can severely undermine the industry.

As UCL computer science researcher Sarah Azouvi told BTC News Today:

“The founder suing researchers is very, very concerning. Researchers try to measure and try to make things more secure. It could have a serious impact if people are afraid to report bugs.”

A $4 million hole

While it doesn’t appear any IOTA users have lost money because of the custom-made hash function, some IOTA users lost a substantial amount of their cryptocurrency – to the tune of $4 million – in what some industry observers argue is sheer incompetence on behalf of the IOTA team.

IOTA’s official wallet didn’t have what’s called a “seed generator” to help users produce keys for controlling their coins.

Although the IOTA Foundation detailed the most secure way to generate randomness, giving a list of all the websites that were secure for doing so, some users went to websites that weren’t on the list – one being a scam that stored keys created on its site and eventually used those to steal funds.

“A lot of naive people gave their private keys away to this individual. This was a very unfortunate event,” IOTA’s Sonstebo said, calling the perpetrator a “scumbag.”

Yet, critics argue IOTA is victim shaming when, in fact, the project’s foundation should have made sure its official wallet had a seed generator attached.

“It’s past Hanlon’s razor for me,” tweeted Tadge Dryja, a lightning network developer and crypto enthusiast, pointing to the aphorism, “”Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.”

He continued, saying that he must “assume malice” since adding a seed generator is “absolutely trivial,” requiring only a single line of code.

Speaking to the issues that arise when a cryptocurrency project doesn’t provide seed generation tools to their users, Heilman told BTC News Today, “Almost all cryptographic software is designed to generate secure random numbers for their users. Making users responsible for secure randomness generation is dangerous as users may use a bad source of randomness.”

IOTA co-founders are mixed on their responses to this event though.

Co-founder Dominik Schiener acknowledged that the user experience is far from ideal, but argued that IOTA shouldn’t get lambasted for it since the user experience throughout the crypto community is inferior as a whole. While Sønstebø argued that the project wants to leave randomness generation up to the user so they have more control.

“We leave it up to the individual to get their own randomness,” he said, adding:

“We give them the liberty to do that. You’re in crypto. The entire point is you don’t have to trust anyone.”

That said, Sønstebø pointed out that IOTA would be launching a new wallet called Trinity in the coming weeks to address the issue. Not only will this wallet have a built-in random address generator, but the team is also planning to run its code through a security audit for good measure.

“If your grandma smokes crack, then she should still be able to use it,” he said.

Unique isn’t always useful

Another unique quirk of IOTA is it’s addressing scheme.

While the scheme was created to work even after the inception of quantum computers – powerful computers that could unwind much of the cryptography underlying cryptocurrency systems – it’s drawn criticism for the fact that users can only use an address once, otherwise it becomes susceptible to theft.

One Reddit user going by the name “guselbindel” even claims this type of hack happened to him a couple months ago, leading him to lose $30,000.

And actually, the exploit goes further than that. In fact, Willem Pinckaers, a researcher at security firm Lekkertech found that even without using the public keys, they can be exploited.

“Still, the fact you can’t reuse public keys safely is still batshit crazy,” blockchain consultant Peter Todd tweeted.

At their core, the criticisms of IOTA seem to be focused on the project’s lofty ambitions, but less than ideal execution on those promises.

While IOTA advertises itself as a “permissionless” and “scalable” solution, there is some subtlety in those terms.

For instance, IOTA is a bit more centralized – with its development team having more authority over the protocol – than most cryptocurrency enthusiasts might like. Some IOTA users even figured that out the hard way, actually, when the IOTA Foundation discovered a technical vulnerability that put user’s funds at risk, and as such, seized trillions (yes with a “T”) of IOTA coins from users.

The foundation eventually returned those coins after the vulnerability was patched, but the incident nonetheless left a lasting impression on some that IOTA’s developers have too much control.

Sonstebo even doesn’t really deny this – despite the claims of decentralization made on the IOTA website and its marketing material.

“Currently it’s semi-centralized,” he said. “There’s a central coordinator node.”

IOTA nodes today can validate transactions without this coordinator node, but it’s less secure. As such, a significant amount of trust is put on the central coordinator node.

That said, IOTA developers are working on it.

Just as more bitcoin and other cryptocurrencies become more decentralized as adoption increases, so to will IOTA, Sonstebo said. And it’s important to note that IOTA isn’t the only cryptocurrency that has sought to project a message that change is coming, with time.

He concluded:

“You can’t create a fully decentralized network overnight. You have to start somewhere.”

Iota coin image via Shutterstock

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