#esp bc i have a con next week

[silencedglaive]

i'm sorry to folks i owe things to! chest pains have been flaring up like crazy + i woke up yesterday quite sick (got sent home early from work today it was so bad 😔) so my brain is literally Soup

and Soup brain doesn't know what replies are

[necrotic-nephilim]

i think it would be interesting to explore jaybabs, especially if babs is darker, like in the babscass prompt you did. babs helps jason track down people she wants dead, and he courts her by leaving corpses on her door, except she likes it. she gets the joker killed by a third party and delivers his head to jason, and he just fucks her right there.

anon i need you to know my reaction to this ask was SO delighted. like i had to cover my mouth and scream and just. lost my mind bc oh my GOD. i've never even considered dead dove JayBabs.

but i love the idea of a darker Babs. i think Babs being raised by a police officer who has killed in the line of duty could influence her feelings. and i remember in Joker: Last Laugh, i think it was? where she struggled with morality relating to wanting to kill the Joker. so she's not a hard character to gently push in that direction, esp given her tendency to work with and around those who have. if she just finally snaps, you can do a *lot* with her on the darker side of things. and as for JayBabs, i think sometimes about how Babs had a thing for Jean-Paul, who is someone else who's been known for lethal violence. and how she basically had to tell him "hey. i like you." and the control she took. so, imo that could easily apply to JayBabs and how she just bluntly approaches being into Jason. especially given the age gap and you push how young he could've been when he came back as Red Hood and possibly was like. 18. and Babs is in her mid 20s, knowing Jason is emotionally vulnerable and needs someone to lean on who's going to do better than Bruce. she starts with sending him coordinates and information on people she knows he's hunting. or, people she just knows are shitty. and Jason knows a hit list when he sees one. and he's very intrigued bc everyone has always painted Babs as being very moral like Bruce.

so he leaves dead bodies on her doorstep just to see her reaction. and it's *not* what he expects. bc she sends him more names and locations, this time with a "helpful tip" about how she feels about corpse dumping and next time, he can bring her a souvenir or trophy to prove his point. bc she likes the bodies alright, but it's a messy cleanup for someone in a wheelchair to handle. sometimes he leaves her fingers, sometimes it's teeth. for one particular pervert, he just leaves the guy's eyes and a sorry note that says it's the only part of the guy that was still intact by the time he was done. and so Babs is so enthralled by this little game that she gets the Joker killed for Jason and Jason just. loses it.

also? what i think is fun is if this romance is almost double-sided. playing into the idea of Jason being a bookworm and Babs in her librarian era. every week or so Jason goes to the library and always asks for Babs, casually asking for her recommendations and telling her what he thought of the last books she recommended. it's almost a thrilling roleplay where they pretend they're flirting strangers and Jason always says he's busy at night with work, working on another project for "a scary boss lady". it's coy and they enjoy the fun of being normal strangers while Jason is sending her bloody body parts.

and when Joker is finally dead, the slow dance ends bc Jason needs her now. and Babs finally gets what she wants out of her long-con when Jason is fucking into her and she's guiding him on how to support her body and make her feel good. she's promising him as he's buried inside her the next people she has planned and the parts she wants from them which shouldn't make Jason this horny but somehow it does.

also just the erotism of Babs having *the* Red Hood wrapped around her finger. she can tell him what to do and he *listens*. he will drop everything for her and whenever she praises him he just shatters and cries so pretty for her. anything for the person who finally helped him find a purpose, yk. it's so crunchy.

[romanarose]

If You Wanna Be Wild: Chapter 6

Co-written with @my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction my beloved Fen, who I could not do this without. Thank you for being my emotional sounding board, my dear friend, my wonderful cowriter and helpful beta reader. I adore you.

Javier Peña x Latina!sex worker!informant!Reader x Santiago Garcia

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Summary: Santi takes Candy out, and Javier gets jealous, but still he defends them both. Drama erupts, and Santi finds something out about himself.

Content and warnings for whole fic, not chapter by chapter unless something is added: Sex work, drug trade, some drug use/pressured used, sex workers and the mistreatment/stigma surrounding them specifically in the 70’s (my blog is sex worker positive) but ima put potential dub con depending how you look at it as a sex worker who works with dangerous men, some action surrounding reader and the guys and the drug trade, SMUT HEAVY, corruption kink (were corrupting santi here, he’s young, 25), no loss of virginity tho, threesomes, some slight m/m smut but that’s not the focus here, but as you know this blog is an lgbt blog so I’m always open to gay shit. Talk of war and some PTSD but I won't be going a whole lot into it. Covert/emotional incest in the past, Santi's mommy issues, m/m dynamics, internalized bi/homophobia

For the record, this is a fic that takes place in the drug trade and deals with the darker side of humanity, so anything from Narco's and Triple Frontier is liable to be discussed or mentioned here. This is your warning. This is not a dark fic nor is it centered around dark themes like Leather and Lace or Sunshine Starlight Sweetheart Brightside, but they are open to be talked about.

Reader has a nick name: Candy. Not her real name just what she goes by on her profession. Much of the inspo for this and for the title came from the Bruce Springsteen song “Candy’s room” so check it out for the vibes.

Reader speaks Spanish and has hair. I've decided Candy is just latina bc she's a sex worker in Colombia so this is what I'm doing. Reader also has curly hair and dark skin.

ADDITIONAL WARNINGS!: Santi's panicy trauma response. Santi's mommy issues in full swing. Javier is jealous, lots of arguments. Cumming untouched, titty sucking. We're in for it boys!

THE SMUT WAS 100% WRITTEN BY THE AMAZING @my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction i knew i needed mommy kink and he was the one to go to. If you like subby men, Fen, my dearest cowritter, writes great fics esp with Steven Grant <3 What Fen said when they wrote it "Yoooooo, what am I writing Romana? Madness? I think so."

6.7 words (I'm so fucking sorry okay A LOT WAS HAPPENING)

A/N Since I am apparently an incomprehensible writer, please know that the smut scene in the last chapter was not a threesome, it's Javi fingering Candy and Candy flashing back to her giving Santi a reach around handjob. I wanted to compare and contrast the way the two pairs care for and pleasure each other. but it came across as a threesome :(

Support writers! Reblog and comment!

***************

Santiago didn’t know why he was so nervous.

“What we need is to get out into the actual field!” Javier exclaimed, setting his mug down loud enough to make Santi jump. “Sorry, Garcia.” He muttered, wiping a bit of spilled coffee with his sleeve.

Santiago rolled his shoulders, reaching back to rub his spine over the scar. The surgery saved his life, but damn did it hurt. “S’alright. Listen, I had an idea, but I don’t know if it’s going to be anything. It does get us out of the office next week.”

“I’ll take it, what do you have, Pope.”

Santi smiled. “Well, the nickname is fitting. It’s a rally for the beatification of Laura Montoya.”

A smile quirked up on Javier’s grumpy face. Unbuckling his belt after a second round of stress donuts, Javi kicked his legs up on his desk. “Of course you would know that.”

“My tia invited me.” He shoved Javi’s boots off, then wiped his hands on his pants. “We know what his family looks like now, maybe they will be there? It’s something.”

Javier agreed, it was something. Tracking Lorea had not gone as well as Escabar had. Not that that was a flawless mission itself, but at least it had traction. Martin Lorea was far less public.

The pair settled into an easy rhythm of planning the event. Santiago would have to avoid his tia’s, he thought. That may be hard, considering he had 4 and several cousins who will likely be attending the event. Colombia doesn’t have a canonized saint yet, and she was recognized as venerable so her potential beautification was a big deal for Colombia. Still, he couldn’t be recognized at the rally, his family would want to talk and talk and talk and ask why he didn’t have girlfriend and talk and ask who Javier was, and Tia Lupe would ask him if he had a ‘modern arrangement’ with Javier which would make Santi sick to his stomach with anxiety and- fuck he felt like the donut he stole from Javi was coming back up.

“Gotta go, be right back.”

“I’ll be timing you.” Javier kicked his legs back up on his desk and closed his eyes.

Over the toilet, Santi dry heaved, unsure if he was really going to puke or just felt like it. What the hell was it with Javier these days that made him so anxious? Things had been going well, their friendship repaired in the months since Javier caught him and Candy together. Other than Frankie, who would always be his number one, Javi was his best friend. He’d die for him the way he’d have died for Will, Frank or Ben… but there was something more. Since the day they met, Santiago wanted nothing more than Javier’s approval, he strived for it… maybe it was that he saw Javi as a father figure, almost 15 years older than him… that wasn’t right either. He couldn’t place it until earlier this week.

The DEA ball was coming up, Javier had asked Santi if he wanted to carpool since they both didn’t have dates and lived near-by… to which Santi said he actually had a date. She was a surprise. So was the fact Javier wanted to go.

The “Oh” that had fallen out of his mouth though Santiago off. It sounded disappointed. Santi couldn’t stand Javier disappointed in him. That’s when the thought happened. ‘I wish we could just go together’ Not arrive together. Go together. As a couple. His first thought was no, that’s illegal. His second thought was no, he’d go to hell. His third was him mami, god rest her soul, would roll over in her grave.

He shook the thoughts away, but ever since then he began noticing the way he stared at Javi, the way his body buzzed with any incidental touch… He had to shove it down.

Certainly, Javier was open-minded, but he would to spend as much time as he did with him if he was gay, right? He wouldn’t incite Santi over for futball games on the tv, he wouldn’t take him with him to get lunch… he wouldn’t even want to work with him. It would all be over.

That’s what made Santi sick.

That, and the anxiety over who his secret date was.

*

You didn’t know why you were so goddamn nervous.

You had to admit, you were very surprised when Santiago showed up for his regularly scheduled appointment, flowers in hand, asking you to join him at the ball.

“Santi… sweetie… I don’t know…”

His large eyes looked nervous. “It’s a job! I’ll pay you, I’m not expecting anything free! And I I know what you’re gonna say, I don’t care about Javi freaking out. Imean, if you care I don’t wanna pressure you of course! I’m not trying to come between you guys, but I doubt he’ll even show. He hates these things.”

“It’s not that I’m worried about…” You take the flowers, thanking him genuinely, and walking to your kitchen. Santiago anxiously paced your walls, trailing his hands over your posters. “Sweetheart, I know we have a good time, but I am a prostitute, you know this.”

“I swear, I don’t have any notions about us being in love… I just want you there.”

Placing the flowers in the vase, you turn to look at him. “I just… well…” You hesitate, unsure how to not freak the poor kid out. “oh my god, there's no polite way to say this, but, Javier is far from the only DEA agent I’ve slept with. Hell, I slept with the janitor once.”

“Mario’s a cool guy, I don’t blame you.”

“What I’m saying is,” She sighed out her words. “You’re a sweet young man, and I know you’re a lot younger than most of the guys there. I don’t want to cause you any trouble-”

“Candy-”

“And I know I’ll cause you trouble if I’m there. They are going to make fun of you for bringing a hooker to a ball.”

He shook his head. “I don’t care. There’s no one else I want there with me but you, and I don’t care what Javier says, or any of them for that matter.”

You smile softly at the young man. He was earnest, but although you believed he didn’t care about the other guys at the precinct, you didn’t believe him for one second about Javi. Santiago worshiped the ground Javier walked on, it was clear by the way he talked about his partner.

“If you really don’t care, then yes, I’d love to go.”

His youthful face lit up. “Really?!”

“Yes” You giggle. “It sounds like a great night.”

Santiago ran to you, making you squeal as he threw you over his shoulder. “I’m gonna make you cum so many fucking times on my face, Candy, you don’t even know.”

You had to admit you were a little nervous. A lot nervous. He said he didn't think Javier would be there, but you weren’t sure, and hadn’t had a chance to try and prod him for information. You’d asked around, and Javi had been spending several nights with Gabby. This was not unusual, he was known to bounce around women, but he always came back to you. Today, though, it made you jealous as all hell. Santiago made you nervous too.

You wanted to at least make a good impression for him, so you went out and bought a brand new evening gown for the occasion, something classy, showing the curves but not your tits. Your big Farrah Faucet curls that usually accompanied a night with Lorea and his men were dialed down more to a simple look, your make-up more natural that a night on the town with high rollers would see. Still you were beautiful and you knew it. Just less like a hooker.

*

Javier didn’t know why he was so fucking nervous. He never went to these stupid things, much preferring to spend a night undressed with his cock buried between a pretty woman’s legs than stuff himself into a suit that had only gotten tighter in recent years. But, Pope was gonna be there, he was gonna be dressed up in some overdone suite, Javi just knew it. And his stupid curls would be slicked back and inevitably a few would pop out and he’d spend the night trying to keep them back but they would want to be wild and he’d eventually mess with his hair too much and it’d be all every-which-way and, and, and…

So maybe he was late. So maybe he was a little tipsy. Maybe he had been taking pulls of a flask in the back of a taxi but there was coke baggie and a cum stain on the seat so was it really the worst the car had seen? He pulled up to the dance in his too-tight suit, stumbling out a bit, and attempted to find his way inside. He didn’t really want to see Santi dancing with a girl, but if he didn’t show, Santi would worry, and Javi didn’t like Santi worrying.

Javier hoped she was nice. A nice girl because he was a nice young man. Someone to take care of him in some ways, to let him care for her in others… Javi knew he could take care of Sant. He had when he was sick, hadn’t he? Therein lied the reason Javi was drunk. The burn of the liquor was to press down the feeling he couldn’t ignore sober. He wanted Santiago.

“Buenas noche, amigos. ¿Has visto Santiago?”

Javi asked as he stumbled on a few men from the DEA chattering in a corner

One of the men, Freddy, chuckled, taking a sip of his beer. “Oh, you haven't seen him yet?”

This caused all the men to laugh, but Javier didn’t get the joke. He got the feeling whatever it was, they were laughing at Santi. Javier knew Santi hadn’t really clicked with the men. He was too straight laced, too honest… too good.

“The fuck does that mean?” Javier asked with an obvious bit of bite. Santiago was his to protect.

“Young Garcia came here with a whore on his arm.” Another man, Josue, with a patchy mustache he should just call it quits on attempting to grow replies. “Wonder if he knows what she is, or if he’s going to wake up to a nasty bill in the morning.”

The group laughs, and Javier feels panic rising inside him. No. No way. Santiago couldn’t possibly be that stupid, could he? He was the smartest man Javier knew. He’d never risk her like this… 

Freddy continued when he saw Javi’s confused look. “Yeah, Pena, thats what I thought too!” He said with a laugh that Javier knew was not the good natured ribbing he gave Santi. “You know Candy?”

“Uh, yeah, sounds familiar.” The room was spinning, lights and smoke and colors starting to blur.

“The whore on 7th that lets you play rough? Yeah, her.”

Javier snapped to attention again. “What did you just say?”

“Yeah, I can’t believe it either!” He turns to another man Javier doesn’t have it in him to focus on. “I bet Virgin Maria thinks he’s in love.”

Grabbing him by the shoulder, Javier turned Freddy to him. “What the fuck did you say about Garcia?”

“Relaje, Pena. You call him Pope, different name, same meaning.”

But it wasn’t. Santi was Javi’s friend, Javier cared about him. Javier called him Pope to his face and if he thought it upset him, Javi wouldn’t do it. Freddy and the guys were calling him Virgin Maria behind his back, intending on being assholes. It was meant to hurt, it wasn’t true (Santi wasn’t a virgin even before Candy), it was meant to make a mockery of his good nature, his religion, and his morals. The effeminate name was meant to mock his slight build and stature as well as his passive nature. None of them knew the Santiago that Javier knew. They didn’t know the intelligent, compassionate, incredibly capable young former special opes agent who had saved his life multiple times and had given more break throughs on Lorea than he could could.

“Tell me again what you said about Candy.”

*

Despite the fact everyone was staring at them, you had never seen Santi so happy, so relaxed. He had a few drinks and for his small body it probably left him feeling warm and content. You had opted to stay mostly sober, only drinking one glass of white wine from the open bar; Santiago’s generous and soft smile to the bartender only endeared him to you more. 

He was so much fun like this. You loved the time you spent with him in bed, that was fun too, but you’d also come to genuinely enjoy the moments where he wasn’t making you orgasm on his lips again and again. You genuinely cared when you asked him about his day, and had made a mental note of all the names he mentioned at the precinct that were causing him problems that you recognized. You weren’t sure how without outting him, but you’d figure out some way to fuck with them. One who was a massive dick to him, Freddy, was also a massive dick to you too.

Santi was indulging in a cupcake, telling a story of his friend Benny hitting on a woman only to realize her husband was standing next to her.

“It took me, his brother Will, Fish and Redfly to break the fight up. He still won’t go in that neighborhood anymore!” Santi giggles, taking a bite of the vanilla.

You laugh along; he’s an entertaining story teller. “Did he learn his lesson?”

“No! No! That’s the best part!” Santi said as he waved his hands excitedly. “He immediately, and I mean as soon as we cleaned the blood off his face, went and hit on another girl! And you wanna know the worst part?”

“It worked?”

“It work- how did you know that?”

“Women are easy, Santi.” Swaying to the music, you set his cupcake down. He has frosting on his upper lip, just under where his mustache sat.. “We love our men bloodied.” You pull him in close, eyeing his upper lip for the frosting, but he looks like he’s going for a kiss, and who are you to deny such a handsome man?

“Even when they lose?” He speaks, voice soft and sultry. Santi’s eye flick to your lips, his own push pillows parting to receive you.

“Especially when they lose.” You close the gap, taking his lips in yours and licking your tongue over his sugar-covered upper lip, brushing over his mustache. Sweet, just like him. Your sweet man. 

For a moment, you are lost in him, the sounds of the Jim Croce floating in the air.

'Cause every time I tried to tell you

The words just came out wrong

So I'll have to say I love you in a song’

*

CRASH!

Immediately, at the sound of excitement, Santiago is in front of you, guarding your body with his. He doesn’t move, thinking clearly and assessing the situation; looking for where the danger is at and where the best exit points may be. Keep Candy safe. Keep Candy safe. His only goal was her, keep her away from any narcos, terrorists, freedom fighters or drunken men that might be causing a stir. When the center of the commotion was coming from the north, Santiago took Candy’s hand and began to take her to one of the south exits, a lesser used one with less potential for a second assailant, when he felt her tug away.

“JAVI!” She shouts, running towards the danger in high heels, rust colored skirt fluttering just as her flowy sleeves did.

“CANDY!” Running after her, he catches up with ease without the hindrance of heels. Santi tries to stop her, not wanting her near the drunken brawl, but she is on a single minded mission. Javier was under Freddy, who Santiago did not like, and getting the shit beat out of him. If he had a second more, if his focus wasn’t so on Candy, he would have beat her too it… but Candy was quicker

Santiago watches in surprise as she lifts her skirt, pulling a knife out of her garter, getting behind Freddy and gripping his hair hard, knife to his throat.

Everything was a deadly calm, everyone saying so, so still to not disturb the crazy woman with a knife. When Santi looked to Javier to check if he was okay, he saw Javi looking up at her with his big brown eyes, clearly fucking enamored.

“Freddy, get off of him before I tell everyone the weird shit you’re into.”

The next few minuets were a blur. As soon as Freddy was off Javier and Candy’s knife was off him, he was a big man again and the group began arguing. Santiago couldn’t quite pick up what it was about except “KEEP HIS NAME OUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!” From Javi.

They were all three escorted out by security; weapons weren’t allowed at the ball.

Outside the doors, a second argument erupted.

Candy tried to approach Javier. “Javi, baby, are you-” But as her hands reached for his swollen face, the older agent stepped back and turned his attention to his mentee. “Are you fucking stupid, Garcia?!”

Santi and Candy both are taken aback by this, but it’s Candy that speaks first. “Don’t talk to him like that!” 

Javier’s anger is turned back to her. “And you! You should know better than this! Than coming here!”

She rolls her eyes. “Javi. It’s literally a part of my job, I’m an escort.”

“FOR DRUG DEALERS!” Javier shouts, throwing his hands in the air and stumbling back. “Not for YOU!”

“So what, he’s too good for me to take out? Dirty whore like me belongs in dirty nightclubs and dirty crackhouses?”

“Oh for fucks sake THATS NOT WHAT I MEANT!”

Instinctively, Santi places himself slightly in front of Candy. “Tone it down, Pena.”

His icy glare turns condescending as a short, drunk, sardonic laugh escapes him. “HA! Do you think you’re in love, Santiago? Do you think you’ll be the magical man that can ‘save her’? That’s not how this works! You aren’t supposed to be bringing prostitutes to government functions, you absolute IDIOT! And you’re especially not supposed to bring HER!”

“ENOUGH!” Candy shouts at him, eyes flashing in anger. “You don’t get to tell him what he can and can’t do, Javi! And you certainly do not have possession over me! I am not yours! Just because we fuck does not mean you own me, and you don’t get to decide who I sleep with. Like you said, I am a prostitute, one of SEVERAL you frequent, so I wouldn’t be getting too high and mighty about being careful when everyone knows Helena nearly died working for you! I am not yours!”

Javier scoffs. “Oh, and he is? You think he’s your little lover boy, someone to play pretend that you are having a normal relationship with? He’s a scared child, he’s terrified of intimacy and thinks a finger in the ass will send him to hell!”

“Javier, fucking stop it right now.”

“He can’t protect you! He can’t take care of you!”

“Oh, and you can?”

“YES!”

Javier’s shouted words hung in the air, dripping with anger and venom. Santi simply watches, watches them like a scared child watching his parents fight, wishing it would just fucking stop, but it won’t. Not between them. Javier doesn’t back down and Candy isn’t scared of him.

Then, Candy starts to laugh. It’s short little laughs at first but grows louder. “Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME JAVI!” She laughs once more before shaking her head, tugging a bit at her hair as she walks a short circle. Candy shook her head, suddenly calm. “Thunder only happens when it’s raining, players only love you when they’re playing.”

Javi blinked, his voice now noticeably slurred. “What the actual fuck was that.”

Santi stepped up, sliding an arm around Candy’s waist. If she said what she wanted to say, he wanted to guide her away from Javier before he could be more hurtful to her. “It’s from Fleetwood Mac, Javi. You’d know that if you cared enough about her to look into her interests.”

Candy turned to him then, surprised, her soft eyes looking towards him; the hint of a smile on her face.

Javier, however, looked bewildered. “Her interests?You. Are not. DATING HER!”

“I still care about her!” Santiago defended himself. “Just because I’m not a sad slut who can’t emotionally attach to anyone anymore doesn’t mean I treat her like she’s not a person!”

Javier looked like he was about to speak, then shook his head. “This is fucking insane. This is not a Hollywood movie, there is no happy ending here, FUCK YOU GUYS and FUCK THE GODDAMN PRESINCT”

With that, Javier stormed off, angrily mumbling about one thing or another and his broad form shrunk down the street.

It was then Santi felt her begin to shake. Thinking quick, he took off his sports coat and wrapped it around her. “Hey, hey bebita,¿Estás bien?”

“Si” She shook her head a bit, then turned to him with an irritated look “He just really pisses me off sometimes, you know?”

Santi chuckled. “I know. He’s an asshole, let’s not worry about him, okay?” He wrapped his arms around her, and Candy allowed herself to sink into him. Santiago felt her relax, laying her head on him. He was angry, so fucking angry at Javier for the things he said to Candy, the way he spoke to her, it was hurting with jaw with how much he was clenching it… but it was clear Candy was upset too. His feelings didn’t matter, her’s did. He needed to be her man, be her strength, so he pushed his feelings aside.

Through the doors of the ballroom they could still here the live music playing, and he felt Candy gasp as The Eagle’s hit song, Peaceful Easy Feeling, began.

“I love this song…” She whispered, beginning to sway to the music. The stars were out, shining on her. It felt like they shined for her alone.

‘I like the way your sparkling earrings lay

Against your skin, it's so brown’

“I know.” Santi whispered against her skin. “I asked them to play it.” He sang the next line into her skin.

‘Y quiero dormir contigo en el desierto esta noche

Con mil millones de estrellas alrededor’

Candy took her head off him to look into his eyes. Fuck, she was pretty. So so pretty. He wanted her with him all the time, even though he knew it wasn’t possible. He wasn’t in love. Santi wasn’t sure he was capable of romantic love, honestly. He wasn’t sure he was capable of a love that was safe. But whatever he had with Candy right now it was good.

“You requested this song for me?”

‘'Cause I gotta peaceful easy feeling

And I know you won't let me down

'Cause I'm already standing

On the ground’

“Of course I did… wanted to make sure there was music you liked.” Santiago stroked her hair, careful to not mess it up, just enough to feel her. He began to dance with her in earnest.

“You’re the sweetest man I’ve ever met, you know that?”

“And I found out a long time ago

What a woman can do to your soul

Ah, but she can't take you anyway

You don't already know how to go”

Santiago twirled her, making Candy giggle. 

“You listen to Fleetwood Mac?” She asked him through her laughs.

‘And I gotta peaceful easy feeling

And I know you won't let me down

'Cause I'm already standing

On the ground’

He shrugged. “I didn’t until I saw you had three albums, a Fleetwood Mac poster AND a Stevie Nicks poster.”

“So you… just decided to listen?”

“They're clearly important to you.”

He sings to her once again in Spanish

‘Tengo este presentimiento de que te conozco

Como amante y como amiga’

Candy whispers in his ear. “I enjoy our time together. I hope you know that. I do consider you a lover and a friend, Santiago.”

‘But this voice keeps whispering

In my other ear, tells me

I may never see you again’

Santiago believed her, but the ever-presant anxiety inside him told him this was temperary. Don’t feel safe, don’t feel comfortable. You are expendable. You are only loved as long as you are useful. You are only loved as long as you are perfect and good and right all the time. You can never mess up. If you do, WHEN you do, she’ll walk away just like Javi did. Still, he shakes these thoughts off and tries to focus on her. Focus on Candy. 

‘Porque tengo un sentimiento tranquilo y pacifico

Y se que decepcionarás

Porque ya estoy parado

En el suelo’

As the song ended, Santi dipped a giggling Candy down low, admiring the way the dress flowed over her beautiful body.

“Hey Candy, they aren’t gonna let us back in there, wanna hop some shitty bars?”

“I’d like nothing more, Santiago.”

*

Back at his apartment, Candy and Santi giggled their way into his bedroom. A slightly tipsy Santi flopped down on his bed, sighing out a declaration that this was the best night of his life. When he opens his eyes again, he sees you smiling at him. He thinks that he wants to see you in his home more often.

“You look really pretty in that dress, you know that?” Santi says with a love-sick smile plastered all over his face. 

You can’t help but smile back, unable to hamper the little laugh that lightens your chest. He was a bit more tipsy than you’d thought. 

He pouts a little, being overly dramatic on purpose as he leans up on his elbows, his left leg half hanging off the bed as you stand watching him. 

“Don’t laugh.” He pulls a face that has the opposite effect. 

You don’t give him the chance to retort again and poke his foot with your index finger, while you school your face into a mock disapproving scowl. “Shoes on in bed?” You tut, expecting another pout and tease back from him, a shrug and a chorus of ‘Well it’s my bed, I can do whatever I want.’ 

But instead, his eyes widened a little, a small dusting of light pink blossoming over his brown cheeks and nose and highlighting his faint freckles. “S-sorry.” He mumbles quickly, scrabbling up into a sitting position to undo his laces. He’s pulled off one shoe and dropped it carefully to the floor before you even have a chance to register what he’s doing. 

“Hey, hey,” you sit down next to him, your thigh touching his, and stroke your left hand through his curls. They’re a little stiffer than usual from the product he used for the occasion; it hasn’t stopped more than a few rough strands from breaking free though. 

Santi leans into your touch instantly, instinctively closing his eyes and sighing, a weight lifting from his ribs. You wouldn’t be surprised if he started purring. 

“You okay?” You whisper, continuing to run your fingers softly through his hair. 

He nods and hums an affirmative. 

You’re about to ask again, unable to stop yourself from double-checking his well-being. That seed of affection for Santi that first settled in your heart weeks ago has now grown and rooted into your chest, its vines and leaves twisted around your rib cage, seeking out your love like sunlight. 

Just as the words form on your tongue you notice the not-so-subtle bulge in his trousers and bite back a smile. 

Ah.

Not distress. Not panic. Nothing like that at all. Not right now, anyway.

Santi can’t see your expression with his eyes closed. He’s shifted closer, his temple gently against your shoulder as you stroke his hair. He sighs happily, almost dreamily. 

It’s nice to see him like this, relaxed into your touch. He too often seems anxious, worried, worrying about his military friends, worried about Javi, worried about his family although those details remain vague. He’s mentioned his sisters lives in the US, Atlanta she thought, his tia’s he saw so often here, and every now and then a brief mention of his mom but only in passing. You place a soft kiss on his forehead, leaving a faint lipstick stain on his skin and he presses closer to you, nuzzling into the nape of your neck. 

Languidly you run your free hand up his thigh, just tracing your fingers over his crotch before you squeeze. 

The sharp, low moan that escapes his lips is more than worth it, though the gasped word that tumbles out is a bit of a surprise. 

“Mommy,” 

He freezes instantly, his eyes going wide and teeth audibly snapping shut. In less than a second he’s racking his brain, trying to work out how, why, where did that word come from? What deep, dark recess of his mind forced that word to the surface? Something was wrong with him. Something fundamentally wrong with him, deep down in the recesses of his brain. He was fucked up. He was going to hell.

Maybe you hadn’t heard it. Maybe you wouldn’t notice it. But already Santi knew those hopes were a lost cause. The way your hand had tightened momentarily in his hair the second it slipped past his tongue. He’d had a drink, a few drinks- although they’d mostly worn off throughout the night- that was a good enough excuse right? Oh god. What must you think? What would you-

“You’re my good boy, aren’t you?” Your voice was low and sweet, a caress to his very soul and he shivered in spite of himself, moaning again and squeezing his eyes shut as you stroked his painfully hard cock. 

He nodded his head rapidly, not wanting to disappoint you. He’d be good, he’d be so fucking good for you. His breath hot on your neck as he pressed closer, angling his body completely towards you with a soft whimper. 

You continued stroking him for a moment longer, pressing the heel of your palm firmly against his thick base before you unzipped his fly and flicked open his trouser buttons. You always loved this, loved how needy he got, how desperate for you.

Santi groaned loudly, his lips against your neck, half muffling his words against your skin as he squirmed into your touch. 

“Hmm?” You halted your actions teasingly, waiting for him to repeat himself. 

The small sob and bob of his throat nearly broke your resolve, but he pulled his face away from you a fraction to speak. 

“Mommy, please,” he whispered. 

You couldn’t help yourself, it wasn’t like it was the first man to call you ‘mommy’ in bed, but there was something about sweet, innocent Santi who had blushed his way through your first encounter not that long ago speaking that world that set your blood ablaze. 

“Please what?” You teased. 

He squirmed again, bucking helplessly against your hand. “Please?”

“You’re gonna have to use a few more words than that pretty boy, or I won’t be able to help you.”

Santi let out an anguished sigh, pressing his face into your neck once more.

Quickly, you moved your hand away from his weeping cock and firmly pinched his chin between your fingers, pulling him back ever so slightly so that you could look into his dark brown eyes as you title his face up. 

“If you don’t speak, Mommy won’t be able to help you.” 

Santi audibly moaned, his eyes rolling back for a split second before he shut them tight. His dick twitched uncontrollably. 

“Yes, please, sorry, I’ll be good, I’ll be a good boy.” His words were all rushed together and there was a hazy look to his gaze when he opened his eyes again, his Adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed. 

You petted his hair gently. “I know you will be, Mommy’s got you, sweetheart.”

He whimpered, rubbing his thighs together with every word. 

“Now, tell me what you want.” 

“Can I,” he swallowed again, placing his hand on the zip of your dress, “can I undo this?” 

That wasn’t what you expected him to say, and you raised an eyebrow at him lazily as you smiled and nodded. 

Santi let out a little nervous breath before hastily undoing the dress and carefully slipping it off your shoulders and down to your waist. You weren’t wearing a bra.

He held his breath as he gazed at your chest, his left hand hovering just above your skin as he stared with reverence. As if he hadn’t seen you semi-naked many, many times before. 

You stroked his hair again. “You’re such a good buy, aren’t you? Asking for what you need?” You say softly, just to gently break him out of his trance. You did enjoy teasing him, but never for very long. He always listened, always did as he was told, and you were happy to reward him

He nods quickly, never taking his eyes off your breasts. The tip of his tongue pokes out and wets his bottom lip. 

Ever so slowly he leans forward, placing a light, sweet kiss to your lips, the corner of your mouth, your cheek, before trailing down to your neck and collarbone. His kisses get messier, wetter, more urgent the further down he goes and you don’t expect him to pause, panting against your skin. 

He looks up at you with large eyes that send a shudder of heat through your core. “Can I kiss your breasts… mommy?” He adds the name shyly, looking down momentarily so that his eyelashes flutter against his cheeks. 

You keep stroking his hair as you nod, hooking your fingers around the nape of his neck and guiding him towards your chest. He takes the small movement and runs with it instantly, surging forward and covering your breasts in desperate, wet kisses. Switching back and forth between them constantly as if he simply had to lavish each with the exact same amount of attention. He moans as he lightly bites and sucks, his hands digging into your skin as he holds onto you for dear life. 

You press him closer, urging him on by digging your fingers into his curls and scratching your nails along his scalp. He rewards you with another muffled groan, the vibrations reverberating along your skin and sending a shiver of pleasure down your spine. 

Santi pushes closer, the force nearly knocking you onto your back as he latches onto your left nipple. You brace your right hand on the bed behind you so that you can keep your balance. 

“Such a good boy Santi.” You whisper and he whines, looking up at you once with lazy, lust-blown eyes as he keeps his mouth against you. He sucks demandingly, the sensation almost bordering on too much, but still somehow not enough, and swirls his tongue around your nipple before lapping at it and starting the process all over again. His hips are bucking desperately, but he doesn’t dare ask for attention. He knows you’ll take care of him. You always will.

He sighs, shifting, simultaneously trying to get something and not knowing what he wants at the same time. 

You know what he needs though. 

You coo at him, soothing and sweet as you pull in closer into your arms, cradling his head as you gently ease him into your lap. He moans so loudly, the sound quickly becoming a whine in his throat as you embrace him.

For a few seconds, he seems to relax into you, all the stress of the day and previous weeks and months draining from his soul and bones as he gently sucks. But then he starts to squirm, his thighs shaking and stomach muscles tensing. He pulls his mouth off of you with a pop and low, desperate groan. His eyes shut tight and eyebrows knitted together as he whines and presses his forehead against your skin.

“Gonna cum.” At the very back of his mind he has a sense that he should be embarrassed, embarrassed that he’s this far gone and going to cum practically untouched. But he can’t fight the pleasure as it bubbles up his spine, doesn’t want to. 

“You can cum Santi,” you whisper in his ear. “You’re such a good boy, cum for Mommy.” 

He shakes his head, unsure why, tears at the very corners of his eyes, “please.”

“It’s okay,” you soothe, holding him tight and kissing his temple. “I’m here.” 

He moans loudly, latching back onto your breast and sucking for all he’s worth.

“Mommy’s here.” 

He groans again, pulling away a fraction to get his words out. His voice is breath and high. “Want Mommy to cum.” 

The pleading in his voice spikes at the throbbing arousal in your core. “Santi, it’s okay-”

His whine is muffled against your chest as he reaches down, sliding his hands between your legs to caress your body the way he knows you like. You’d taught him exactly how you want to be touched, exactly how you touch yourself. He was an eager learner.

“Santi,” you manage to breathe out through his messy desperate kisses. 

“Mommy needs to cum now please,” he murmurs, his speech slurred against your tongue, 

Your breath catches, thighs squirming as he strokes you, the movements soft but sure. It only takes an embarrassingly short time before you’re moaning into his mouth and tensing as your release overtakes you in a rush. 

When it’s clear you’ve cum, he tenses, his orgasm following through him and bursting behind his eyes. His cock throbs as he empties himself into his pants. You smile softly at his face as his forehead pinches in bliss, your hand still stroking his hair. 

There’s a pause, a small moment of quiet just before he sighs deeply, feeling weak and boneless. And then he looks up at you with his dark, dark eyes. The softness, the relief, the adoration… the sleepiness. 

“So good, Santiago… you’re so good. My perfect boy…”

Santi sighs against your skin, relishing in the tender moment as you play with his hair. “Was that weird?” He mumbles into your skin.

“Noooo, no not at all. It’s very common, actually.”

He looks up at you through heavy lids and suspicious eyes. “Really?”

“Oooooh yeah.” You chuckle. “More often than you think. I’m not here to judge anyone.”

He doesn’t seem convinced, but he seems to relax. “Okay. Yeah. Okay.”

You opt to not talk about it anymore, at least for the time being. He’s so tired right now, coming hard and untouched, and you decide it’s time to put him to bed. By the time you lay him from your lap to his pillow, he’s half asleep, so you opt with minimal dress. Gentle, you unbutton his shirt and slowly, carefully slide his shirt off. When you take off his trousers and underwear fully, you replace them with sweats. You think he’s asleep, breathing slowly and eyes closed. He looks positively angelic. When your getting ready to zip up your dress again, and make your exit, you hear his voice once more.

“Stay the night?”

You sigh. “Santi, I dunno if that’s a good idea…”

His eyes open slightly, just enough so you can see him. “Please, I’ll pay you whatever you want, I just don’t want tonight to end…”

He looks so vulnerable in this moment… and you don’t want this night to end either. Rules be damned. Santi was different. Santi was better. Santi was good. And you?  You deserved some damn good.

“Don’t pay me, I’ll stay.”

Santiago sits up ever so slightly. “No, no Candy this is your job. I don’t expect free-”

“It’s not free, honey.” You begin to strip down, Santi’s sleepy eyes drifting down your naked body, staring at the knife at your garter. “We’re going to sleep, just like I would at home. And tomorrow, you’ll make me breakfast. Sound like a fair trade?” The truth was, sleeping with Santi, actually sleeping with Santi, sounded wonderful. You didn’t want it to feel like a transaction. 

So, you slip into his clothes. You wear a tee shirt and sweats and climb into his bed where you think he’s actually asleep this time. He snores lightly. He sleeps on his stomach, so you rub his back. He feels nice. 

You want better for him. You want him to have a stable life, a loving wife who wasn’t a whore, kids if he wanted them, his family and friends surrounding him. He should have to live in danger, work a dangerous job. He should be allowed to be happy. It wasn’t a life you could give him, you knew… but you could imagine.

You kiss the scar on his spine.

******************

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for reading!!!!

If you're still hear, please drop a lil HI! It's 12 pm here, inching towards 1 but i promised to put this out so i will!!!

Everyone PLEASE GIVE A ROUND OF APPLOUSE FOR FEN FOR THE SMUT IN THE COMMENTS AND REBLOGS SO I CAN MAKE SURE THEY SEE ALL THE LOVE

I hope everyone is saying as safe as they can be in these temps, my heart goes out to all those struggling but especially those in war zones, poverty, homelessness, or in areas that were previously never this cold and thus unprepared for a harsh winter. I know us northerners joke about how cold we get, but I know its different when your infrastructure isnt equipped to take this on.

So tell me friends

Did Javier have a reason to be mad at Santi?

Or was he overreacting?

TELL ME YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE ARGUEMENT AND YOUR THOTS ON OUR DEAR SANTI

@runa-falls @lunar-ghoulie @campingwiththecharmings @whatthefishh @persephone-girl @criticalarchitecture @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog @beelzebeth87 @pimosworld @millerscoffee @heareball @thatwonderouswoman @poolb @meveispunk @lovable-liar @millllenniawrites @read-and-wip @missdictatorme @the-fox-den @milkymoon2483 @k-ra @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin @rosellacwrites @legendary-pink-dot @dreamingofbucky @englandsgray @starsthatwatch @fairlyang @alwaysmicado @theywhowriteandknowthings @casa-boiardi @lostfleurs @ninebluehearts @puglover12 @sub-aro @laiisleiite @itspdameronthings @heareball @comfortlessjoy @csarab615 @calaveramangonda @bit-dodgy-innit @stevngrant @kirsteng42 @mrsjavierp @nanfafnan @lovable-liar @axshadows @cookielovesbook-akie @reallyrallyauthor @solar-fics @criticalarchitecture

[the-insouciant-scientist]

OC Smash or Pass!

Rules: pretty self explanatory. include physical descriptions or pics, and propaganda. the “other” label can be used for “sexuality misalignment” (ie: oc is femme and you’re gay, vice versa or you aren’t into smashing but a specific thing you wanna do with them like perhaps hug or study them under a microscope idc).

tagged by @the-dye-stained-socialite, thank you!

Name: Harper Faraday

Age: Body-wise, 27 (will be 28 in like a week oh boy I forgor)

Gender: Nonbinary, somewhere on the neutral/slightly masc side of things

Sexuality: Not typically? (aroace-spec and bi)

🧪 Pro

Eager to please, considerate, loves being helpful. Very conscious of others' needs

Non-judgemental to a quite frankly impressive degree

Decently good on both cello and violin, will play music for you if you like. Also you can unlock their singing at higher friendship levels

Will help with nightmares. Also would show you all sorts of neat Parabolan shortcuts and plants

Good for quiet company, they love parallel play

Would nap with you. They're a very good big spoon

Talented scientist and teacher who will happily show you around their lab and run experiments with you

Pretty scars and wiggly ears

They blend their own teas in their spare time and will gladly make something new for you if you want. Also good at baking

Honestly really cute when they get excited

🔬 ???????

So many weasels. Like. So many weasels

Not just them in there. Buy one get [REDACTED] free

Teeth. Mobile and mischievous teeth

Stone-adjacent service top, kinky

Extremely dense, you will have to actually tell them you're into them. Also does not move quickly in regards to this kinda thing

Has only been around as themself for three years

Conflict averse, which makes them very good at diffusing tense situations but very bad at speaking up when something's bothering them

Not traditionally romantic, although they will make an attempt if it's important to you

Usually has some prisoner's honey stuck to them somewhere. Could be a little treat for later if you're so inclined

⚗️ Con

Good luck finding them outside the lab (or the library) (or parabola)

Allergic to actually feeling good (hedonophobic) so probably don't hold them too tenderly--

Can be forgetful (or Someone will remember but not them)

Tends to be withdrawn, genuine vulnerability does not come easy on their part

Very little regard for their own safety. or desires, for that matter

Haunted by the hat man pretty much always (high nightmares)

Really bad at having strong opinions or convictions

Does not handle spontaneity or last minute plan changes well

50% guilt by volume even if they're thoroughly repressing that. They don't even have a good reason for most of it, it's just There

Drinks poison for fun just to see how it feels. Would offer you a sip to be polite

Their reflection can get really weird and intense about people and Will want to say hello the next time you're in Parabola without them

i'm a little too spaced to @ specific people right now (esp bc this has been going around so much), but if you have an oc you'd like to do this for then consider this me tagging you!

[skubean]

If you write for ten can you pls write one where the reader learns piano just to play with ren and ren is happy bcs of it 😭?

hi anon, thank you for the request! ren's actually one of the few that i used to watch, and i definitely loved this idea esp after the piano handcam stream SHASHAHSSDH. also losing my mind rn bcs ren's coming to nijigen but i'm too anxious to go to cons. anyways, hope you liked this <3 !

learning the piano for ren zotto!

summary: you decided to learn the piano for ren after seeing him play one day, and it comes of as a shock to the man, especially when it's something he's very passionate about.

notes: gender neutral reader, mentions of being in a relationship, just some fluff as per usual! slight mentions of misunderstandings but plenty of fluff afterwards.

it's not a surprise to you anymore everytime you come home and hear music coming from his room, or his studio. you know ren's passionate about music, and you've always been his #1 supporter. you've been there when he was working on songs in his studio and he's always letting you be the first to listen. he loves music, you know so. but lately, you've been so busy that you haven't had the time to indulge in his interests that you could sense ren being hesitant around you. when you asked him if anything was wrong, he shrugged it off and said that he was just worried he was bothering you with the noises, eventhough you've reassured him that you don't mind. the lack of communication probably got the best of you because you both ended up having trouble talking after some time, especially with how hard it is to see each other (since you're too busy). you know ren loves music and you know it's something that means a lot to him, and you want to cheer him up! also, as a sort of apology for not being able to be around after you've been so busy. so one morning, you wake up feeling the warmth of his body engulfing you in a hug as the bright shades of outside shine on you face. you groan before turning around to face him. ren was still sleeping, with his face squished against the pillow, mouth slightly opened. you giggled, and nestled closer into his chest, before feeling him squirm and hug you closer. "mmm.. don't go yet, love..stay with me some more..", he says as he basically locks you in his arms. "okay", was simply what you responded and nuzzled closer to him.

silence. that is until ren grabs you with a smile on his face. "wait, really? you're not busy anymore?", he asks you as he cups your cheeks and plants kisses all over your face. hearing him laugh made you laugh too as you shook your head explaining to him how you're done with whatever was keeping you occupied. truth be told, ren never wanted to pry into your business, so he never really asked what was causing you to be so busy. but, one thing for sure is that he's hella glad he has the whole day to spend with his beloved s/o. "well, actually. i was gonna show you something", you said as you dragged ren into his studio where his piano was in. ren, puzzled as he is, follows you behind until he sees you sitting in front of his piano with the brightest smile he'd ever seen. you signal ren for him to stand near you as you clumsily open the piano, and attempt to play his song, 'blue sugar'. you were so focused on getting the notes right, that you didn't even notice how serious you looked, only relaxing after hearing ren laugh. you were embarrassed, but it helped you relax. you could sense ren coming closer before he scooted next to you and played alongside you while he sang. it was amazing, how you felt so happy, and how endearing the whole entire thing was, especially seeing how relieved ren looked after you were done. here you were, two grown ups, just woken up and being all giddy in front of the piano. "what's this? when did you learn to play, y/n?", ren faces you as he plants a soft kiss on your cheek before pulling you closer. "hmmm..i don't know, maybe i was so busy learning the past few weeks, maybeeee", you exclaimed as you see the gears turning in his head. so that's why you've been so busy, he thought. he couldn't hide the soft, warm feeling engulfing his chest. he loved you like crazy, the things you'd do for him, and how just a gesture like this was enough to prove to him how much he's addicted to you. you both spent the rest of the day cuddled up in his studio as he teaches you more about piano, more so as compensation for not learning with him beforehand. (he was pouty you learnt it from someone else). needless to say, ren zotto loves music. but, he definitely loves you more. so imagine the look on his face when his favourite person learnt how to play his favourite instrument all for him.

a/n: sorry this ended up being a little self-indulged sksksks i wrote this without any drafts so it might be a bit loopy. <3 beanz

[mandana-the-service-pup]

Methotrexate Update

Doctor got back to me about my labs. My absolute monocytes are high but she isn’t concerned. She didn’t explain why (my best guess it’s bc my exercise has increased so drastically in such a short amount of time but idk) She says I can stay at the same dose and she doesn’t need another lab for three months. I have been doing GREAT on it. Hardly any negative side effects.

The stomach pain I’ve had every night for a year is gone.

My post-exercise chest pain that I’ve been going to cardiologist and ER for since Oct 2022 is completely gone (playing and shoveling snow 100% would have set that off)

TMI // My period has been freaking purple since Sept 2022 and I’ve been bleeding so much that the OBGYN thought I had a fibroid rupture. Well I just had my first period on Methotrexate and it’s all back to normal now and the amount was 1/3 what it has been which is a huge relief. It still hurt but I was able to eat and drink which I usually struggle with for the first few days. Maybe the pain will get better over time.

My gums don’t bleed any more when flossing. It just stopped as soon as I started methotrexate.

I’m able to eat and drink a lot more than I was which is great.

I have way more range of motion in my joints (which is making me have more problems with my hypermobility but whatev)

I still have muscle and joint pain but I honestly think most of it is bc I’ve been able to do so much more. I was taking 600 mg ibuprofen 2-3 times a day and my pain was still 7-7.5/10 and now I’m not taking any ibuprofen except maybe once every couple days and it’s a solid 6-6.5/10

Oh and I can take deeper breaths. Like I’m still having low oxygen show up on my oxymeter but for most of my life my ribs have felt like I’m wearing a corset and they can’t expand when I breath in and that has improved so much that I just walk around the house thinking “wow. I can take a breath. Wow” I’m not sure if this is due to my joints and ribs having more range of motion or if it’s connected to the hyperinflation of my lungs that showed up on the X-ray. Idk but it’s awesome and I’m making an appointment with pulmonologist again to double check lung stuff

The only con I’m currently having is the high absolute monocytes which my dr says is fine and I’ve been having really bad night sweats (actually I’m sweating a ton all the time) but I think my body is just like…recalibrating. Usually effects are really seen after a few months so I’m super excited for 2024!

Mandana’s Health Update

Surprise surprise the new vet doesn’t want to prescribe LDN/s

I get why. There are no studies on using LDN for pain in dogs (there are a few cancer studies in dogs which include LDN for pain relief and QOL but whatev) I humored her and tried to use Carprofen but Mandana doesn’t do well on pain meds and always gets an upset stomach after a couple days. This time was no different and she was miserable and vomiting so I took her off it. We discussed all of our options which I’ll list now for reference:

Decrease carprofen from 75mg twice a day to 75mg once a day // not gonna work bc the original dose wasn’t even very effective for managing her pain and I imagine if she’s already having problems with NSAIDs then taking even a small dose every day for years will hurt her.

Try a different NSAID called Meloxicam // we expect the same problem we have with carprofen

Try a different type of pain relief called Amantadine // Used along side NSAIDs (which we can’t do) so not very effective on its own and can have a side effect of urine retention which Mandana is prone to (she gets this as a “rare” side effect of both apoquel and Benadryl so I would rather not risk it, esp since Proin gave her high blood pressure and we had to discontinue it so there would be no back up if she got incontinence again)

Try the new type of pain relief that was just approved in the US called Librela // This is what we’re going to do next. She has an appointment for her first injection 1.5 weeks from now.

Consult with a Neurologist and get an MRI // After we get her back pain approved by our PetsBest insurance we will make an appointment for a neurologist consult and MRI. The two X-rays we have are 9 months apart and show a narrowing of the disc space between L4-5 but the general consensus is that it shouldn’t be causing as much pain as she is in so an MRI will give us a better idea of what’s going on and the Neurologist might have more treatment options for us.

We really want to wrap up some of these big health concerns for both of us before 🐾2025🐾👀 and we are already making a lot of progress so I’m super hopeful!

[briankang]

i cannot believe you just asked me if i knew of day6. of course i’ve heard of them! i don’t listen to them a lot and i honestly should bc i do like bands so recommend songs to me. i remember having ‘zombie’ on repeat for the longest time bc it stayed in my playlist.

PLS I’M SO JEALOUS I LOVE NOCTIS AND PROMPTO. bestest of boys. and you know their voice actors 😭 i wanna meet them so i can tell them that game means so much to me. i still replay that game to this day. as always, ff games always make me cry and that game definitely made me go through an emotional rollercoaster.

i met adassa who voices delores in disney’s encanto and morgan berry who voices thirteen in my hero academia! sweetest human beings esp adassa. she even wore a delores cosplay!! i’m a movie collector so i had adassa sign my blu-ray movie of encanto and morgan matin my season one of mha. gosh, i looove cons.

i hope you’re having a good day!

hehehehehe PERFECT!! oooh but for song recs

day6: time of our life (songs that would make me pass out hearing live finally), congratulations, you were beautiful, dance dance, lean on me, i smile, i remember, still, feeling good, best part, hurt road, pouring, finale, beautiful feeling, my day, EMERGENCY, sweet chaos, afraid, healer, you make me, i need somebody and zombie of course (i actually rlly love the eng version!!)

day6 (even of day): where the sea sleeps, from the ending of a tragedy, WALK, right through me, landed

and for solo stuff: i'm #1 come as you are by young k stan so it's required, but guard you and not gonna love are TOP favs from that, and a journey and unpainted canvas by wonpil are my loves <3 i also recommend dowoon's song out of the blue!!! super cute. wonpil and young k also both have youtube cover song series that are all bangers!!!

THEY'RE VERY SWEET if you have time on wednesday nights they stream with another voice actor friend over on twitch at loudannoying!! i try to drop in when i can but it's been a while, truly some of the best people i've ever met. i watched one of my best friends play 15 last fall for the first time and i forgot how much i loved it, it's truly irreplacable in my heart right next to ffx

omg that's so amazing...i've met j michael tatum a couple times and i met jason marsden who voices max goof in a goofy movie who was super nice!!! aaaaaaaa i wanna be at a con now!!!

you too!!!!!! i hope you have a good upcoming week!!!

[justjensenanddean]

Jensen Ackles | NJCon 2022, Gold Panel (April 24, 2022)

(x)

.@JensenAckles : we're gonna hit the tent poles of canon in a way that services the lore of #Supernatural. I'm not some random dude, this story means alot to me. #Spnnj (x)

.@JensenAckles : I'm excited to eventually share the elevator pitch for #TheWinchesters. #Spnnj (x)

jared isn’t here bc he was in a car accident, he’s fine and at home recovering but it was very bad according to jensen (x)

.@JensenAckles : @DanneelHarris had covid last week so I moved into my daughter's room in the house we're renting...(she's doing fine) #Spnnj (x)

If Danneel had to say Jensen was bad at something, what would it be? Organizational skills. He is very much a typical man. She tested positive and quarantined in the master bedroom. A few days later after she was negative, everything had exploded and needs to tidy up. #spnnj  (x)

.@JensenAckles : I'm not good with organizing. Dishes are in the sink, is that not enough? Lol #Spnnj  (x)

fan: reason 1000 why we love Danneel Jensen: well I have a couple thousand more #spnnj #njcon  (x)

“Dean’s a part of me. He was a hyped of version of a part of me. Dean didn’t die, he’s right here *points at heart*” —Jensen  (x)

“I gave a list to the prop department [on Supernatural] and said I want these!” #JensenAckles #Spnnj  (x)

.@JensenAckles : I gave props a list of what I wanted...Baby arrived with a full trunk #Spnnj  (x)

a woman asking for advice bc she's getting married next yr, jensen said "take a moment with your--bride? groom?" makes me very soft he asked at all but esp asked bride first (x)

Jensen: you don't get courage to sing on stage naturally. It comes in liquid form (x)

Q: This show has made an entire base of family and fans. When did you realize the impact the show was having? Jensen: doing these was the eyeopener. Yknow, you do a show and they get made every day. Very rarely do you get to see what doing that is providing other people. (x)  So the fact I get to come here and look you guys in the eyes and see the fruits of my labor-- the way it impacts you.... One of the greatest things I have in my life. Doing cons made me realize Oh! this matters. (x)

Q: Thank you. I've watched the show since day 1. You saved my life thorugh this show. Have you ever had a person who was that for you? Jensen: First, thank you. nice to talk to you. It's been a collection of people for me. I think, being avalible to listen to that was probably  (x)  the most important thing. To not put blinders on. Be avalible to listen to people. I never had acting training. I got under the hood. I watched the people I admired and took mental notes. When I was 18 19 years old,my dad told me to be a sponge on set. And that's how I learned (x)  to do what I do. And so there's no one paticular person, but a collection-- a list of people who have helped me. Kim Manners. Diedra Hall. Bob Singer. Eric Kripke. My WIFE. And I listen. I try it their way. Consider it. (x)

(x)

[clvmtines]

welcome aboard, clementine martinez, student #2. we are excited to set sail with you !  has anyone told you that you look like alexa demie? according to our records, you hail from florida, usa, prefer she / her pronouns, are a cis woman, and are here to study creative writing. we also see you received a spot on the ss university because of your online lottery win — we won’t tell anyone. during your first few weeks here, other students said you were + charming, + free-spirited, but also - restive. it sounds like you spend most of your time at the billiards room. upon checking your luggage, we noticed you packed a casino chip carried around for luck from home. hopefully your roommates don’t steal it!

hi friends! i’m very excited to be here. i’m jay (est, she/her) n i used to play astrid nyland a few months ago if anyone remembers bt i had to leave for personal reasons. i’m so glad to be back now that i hve life sorted and some free time for summer break <3 read on for some details abt this new muse of mine, clementine. 

01. biography !

so ! clementine was born in florida. & yes, her real name is clementine. her mom thot it was the cutest name idea ever. clementine mostly goes by clem. she comes from the town [redacted] in florida bcoz i am too lazy to look up a specific town <3 but alas ! it was swampy and humid and she lived in a trailer park. 

her parents got knocked up at nineteen. clem was born nine months after a particularly wild 1999 fourth of july. her birthday is march 26th and she’s an aries. 

(TW: addiction, child injury) clem’s dad was a gambling addict and petty criminal—he wld steal credit cards n whatnot. he wld gamble away diaper money n it would cause constant fighting until her dad finally left. her mom took this very hard n began drinking a bit too often, leaving clem to to make cereal for dinner n fend for herself. once clem tried to make hot dogs on the stove and spilled boiling water on herself. got a p bad burn on her arm/shoulder and still has a big scar.

the soundtrack of her childhood was cicadas buzzing and stray dogs barking. the sizzle and pop of natty light cans. turning up her ipod to max volume to drown out the sounds of her mother fighting with her new boyfriend.

throughout her upbringing, clem’s dad was always in and out of the picture. he’d blow into town when he hit it big. he’d take her on these little “adventures” like staying in a motel 6 n renting movies at block buster n ordering good pizza nt the dominos shit she ate with her mom lol. ofc he was charging it all to someone’s stolen credit card. he’d always promise to, like, take clem away. n clem was a daddy’s girl so she believed him. the last time it happened was her h.s. graduation. her mom didn’t show ( "overslept” after a bender ) but her dad did and surprised her n said everything wld be different. bt then he bailed on their plans for the next day n when she called his cell, the number was disconnected. tht was the defining “i’m done” moment. clem promised to never be disappointed by her father again.

(TW: racism) her mother has mexican ancestry and clem’s always been called her twin. but clem was raised in a predominately white area and honestly ?? it was really hard without her even realizing it. she’s still unpacking a lot of things today abt her youth that jst weren’t okay bt she thought were normal. like microaggressions, stereotypes, being fetishized by boys in high school. gross shit.

as a kid, clem was rumored to be really poor bc she wore tattered clothes n got free lunch at school. once she invited a friend to her house & the next day they told everyone it’s in a trailer park. that reputation—the “trailer park girl”—was really hard to shake. and clem got almost desperate to shake it. she was endlessly trying to set her old self on fire and emerge from the ashes like a phoenix.

eventually clem became more “popular”. in school she was, like, a straight b student. very average although super creative and quick-thinking. she always had street smarts. problem solving skills. independence. more of, like, practical intelligence as opposed to book smarts because academia bores her tbh. she was like why am i reading these overrated boring books by dead white men or learning abt polynomials when i know nothing abt how to pay a mortage or do taxes. like...she saw the american education system as bullshit and put in modest effort because she didn’t believe it deserved her sweat and tears. 

however, she entered the online lottery for the seas program on a whim and got in. so she’s studying creative writing now.

02. personality !

first thing you shld know abt clem is that she’s a compulsive liar essentially—she tells various stories to make her life seem better than what it was. to one person, she’s an heiress to a real estate company and grew up wealthy. to the next she was raised by nomadic hippies. some of her lies are small fibs while others are grandiose tales. she rarely talks about her actual upbringing. she hates talking abt her family or the v real trauma of growing up in a household where both parents struggled w/ addiction; the uncertainty, the broken promises, the fact that she had to grow up so soon and deal w/ so much. it wasn’t fair, and if she thinks about it too much, she feels this anger. anger at the universe. anger at her circumstances. she doesn’t know where to put this anger. she doesn’t know how to shrink it. so she avoids it.

despite her rough upbringing, though, clem is actually really sweet and kind. she’s adventurous, fun-loving, free-spirited, and bold. 

bt ! she can also be closed-off, competitive and restive. 

she’s seemingly tight with everyone? like she’s jst that girl who can get along with anyone tbh. 

in her spare time you can catch her tanning by the pool, hanging at the bar, playing pool ( which she learned from her dad ), and socializing. she’ll never say no to hanging out with people. 

she learned a lot from her little “adventures” with her dad, who was very good at conning others and often involved her in his dumb little scams. clem is suuuper good at pulling the ‘im baby 🥺’ card to get what she wants.

she can be a little selfish, because she grew up looking out for herself. 

stubborn and dogmatic as hell !!!

she doesn’t do too many relationships but when she does fall, i imagine she falls hard and fast. she refuses to be made a fool of, tho. when she gets vulnerable she flashes back to being a kid, waiting all day for her dad to show up only to have him bail on her. again. she hates that feeling. so if she, like, senses a shift in someone’s energy she’ll b like, “i’ll break up with u before u can do it to me” and the person wasn’t even tryna dump her lmao.

has a lot of sex. too much ?? sex?? mayb. but she’s v sex positive.

her personal style is v late 90s. hair clips, big scrunchies, neon, fur trim, crop and tube tops, hoop earrings, chokers, patterns, platform shoes, biodegradable glitter cuz it’s good fr the earth *winks*. clothes from o-mighty.......actually jst google o mighty, pull up the images and That is clem. she dresses like a bratz doll. she’s dedicated to the aesthetic.

03. headcanons !

her item brought from home is a hot pink poker chip from a casino. her dad gave it to her. he said it reminded him of her because of the color; he got it during one of his winning streaks and said it was lucky. she has a complicated relationship w/ her dad n doesn’t even speak to him anymore, bt she will never go anywhere without it.

she’s a smol bean—only 5′4

an astrology girl and she reads palms ! she absolutely makes astrology tik toks that people only watch because she’s hot. her flirting technique is to ask you to read your palm.

she doesn’t typically drink to get drunk. but she does love a good sugary cocktail. to her, a drink is like an accessory. a blue fishbowl by the pool, a jack and coke as she stands around a bar. usually she'll nurse the same beverage for a while. if you see her wasted it usually means she’s going thru it emotionally lol. the one thing she does do is drugs tho 

pretty much listens to exclusively female artists.

a bit of an activist. environmentalism, feminism and the like, she’s v outspoken. vegan for ethical reasons (TW: drugs) bt still does cocaine. she wears shirts with ‘my pussy my choice’ bedazzled on the front.

loves to rollerblade ! back home she didn’t have a car so she’d bike or rollerblade. now she still has her blades and she’ll use them when the ship docks. 

03. wanted connections !

Friends, bffs, ride or dies, friends who are like siblings to her, maybe a friend with an unrequited crush on either side ??

an ex she dumped/cheated on/otherwise self sabotaged their relationship because she was afraid of vulnerability.

an ex friend who realized she lies a lot abt herself n felt betrayed. OH ! ESP if they opened up to her on many occasions abt intimate, personal stuff. imagine the betrayal they felt when they found that everything they thought they knew abt clem is a lie.

someone who she actually opens up to. a confidant. or, maybe, like, a stranger she drunkenly spilled her soul to and now she avoids them like the plague.

a rival. clem can be competitive.

her drug dealer 

someone she knows she shouldn’t hook up with and… does it anyways. like a friend’s ex or smthing. spicy <3

i welcome anything !

[nako-doodles]

Shanghai is so pretty in the main parts like peoples square and nanjing! I loved visiting. I went to disney like 4 times too just to pretend i was in europe when i got homesick 😂 Did you like Guangzhou? My companies contract might be sending me there next, actually i think chongqing might be one of the choices too. Just waiting to see which schools are desperate.

Osmanthus....

Sorry I would come off anon but then I'd have to use my main account and not my BTS one

i love love love shanghai. my top 4 chinese cities are shanghai, wuhan, guangzhou, chongqing gastronomically and aesthetically actually! their foods and buildings are delicious and gorgeous

i really hated guangzhou growing up bc i always visited in the summer when its unsufferably hot, super humid (like.....think florida but extra humid™️™️........like some summers i see actual water condensing and rolling down the walls of some modern buildings), and mosquito-ridden, but fall in guangzhou is really nice! its cool, its dry, and you dont feel like youre actively drowning on dry land. the new city center they built along the pearl river is very lovely, and saikwan and lychee bay are some of my fave places to wander. cons is that you REALLY need to understand cantonese bc the locals (esp the older gen) dont speak standard mandarin. youre better off asking in english from how incomprehensible their accents are.

if you have a choice go to chongqing! the infrastructure is SO cool. like the entire city is built on mountains so theres different levels! subways drive through buildings! bridges and stairs everywhere! you can walk up a building and end up at ground floor in another level! you leave a park and end up on the roof of another office building! cyberpunk san francisco western air temple on crack! pro tip is to memorize the way you go bc its really easy to get lost and gps kinda sucks there. con (if you cant take your spice) is that literally everything is spicy. like almost everything is swimming in chili oil and szechuan peppers. its also one of the hottest cities in the country. like there was a week where it was at least 45C out when i was there.

[fbdo1986]

What are your Succession sibling headcanons for when they were growing up?

omg!!! gd i have. WAY too many feelings about this actually. hm im not sure quite how to group these but i have a few about them in school and then other random ones! i’m gonna keep this quite lighthearted if i can even though sometimes its hard to given what actually happens in succession. i think i’ll group this by character!

shiv: i think miss siobhan had mixed feelings about school growing up. something tells me that she’d be really dedicated one week and then have a “screw it” attitude the next. i also think she tried really hard (similar to connor) to get good grades and even tried to become student body president (and failed unfortunately) to impress logan but it never did anything for him. i think shiv tried really hard to be tough growing up, only really softening when someone made her put her guard down. (i think connor was the figure who did this the most, and he did the same thing for kendall when it was just the two of them and then baby shiv growing up). i also think shiv was the type to sneak out when she was a teenager and wouldn’t get caught. well, she Would get caught by her brothers but she’d have to bargain with roman to keep a secret for her. (Yes i have a headcanon that connor and kendall shared a room and roman and shiv had rooms neighboring each other so. whatever happens could be heard by all of the siblings, so roman ALWAYS heard when shiv would sneak back in and would immediately confront her about it. kendall always left well enough alone and tried to sleep through it tbh because he knew connor would handle it. sweet boy kenny has been through enough). 

connor: man, if you’ve read my fic about kendall and connor’s dynamic growing up you know how idealized my one version of connor is in my head. (also you should read that i have a few hcs that pop up in that). so these hcs will kinda be a mix of how i see him growing up in canon/my more “connor is normal” idealized version of him. (granted, it CANNOT be denied that even in canon connor is a really devoted and protective brother. this is fact). i think that connor was kinda isolated socially growing up. i think in school he always tried to impress people to make friends, but it kinda always fell flat. i think this is a good explanation as to why he kinda becomes kendall’s confidant/protector growing up and why they had such a strong bond, because he didn’t really feel like he connected with anyone else/really felt like he belonged anywhere without putting on an act. being the eldest i think even before kendall was born connor just wanted to make logan proud so he tried really hard in school, but it wasn’t really worth the effort ultimately. i do think he was really smart anyway so he kept performing well despite knowing it didn’t mean all that much. i think i’ve also decided that out of all the roy siblings that connor was the most athletic and played a lot of baseball growing up! i think he played some tennis too but ultimately kendall got MUCH better at it than he was. 

kendall: i think this is a good time to bring up stewy! i don’t actually know if they were friends before college but. kendall and stewy give me childhood best friend energy. i think kendall was a really quiet and sensitive kid, and i feel like he had a tendency to get lost in a lot of friendships because he could never tell if the bonds were genuine or not. i think he kinda skated along, making himself take the brunt of a joke if necessary. but then he met stewy! and it finally felt like kendall could actually be himself around someone and not try to make himself any smaller. as far as ken’s childhood goes i think he inherited connor’s protectiveness and kinda kept a pact with him that he would take care of and look after shiv and roman while they were growing up. so i think (especially with roman) he was really close with them as a kid, and his more lighthearted banter and interactions with roman that we see as adults comes from that! i think they had a lot of friendly competition between them (whereas shiv and roman’s competition was REAL) and even roman being younger than him because of how sensitive kendall seemed to be, sometimes this translated to roman letting kendall beat him in things that he could beat ken at if he wanted to. also! i think kendall drew a lot as a kid! he kinda grew out of the habit as he got older unfortunately. 

roman: honestly, i think out of all the siblings, roman had the easiest time socially. i think he has this innate sense of confidence that drew people to him, so i think he always kinda got used to a few people around him at once. that being said, kinda like ken, he did sometimes feel a bit disconnected from the connections he had. i think roman was the closest to shiv and ken growing up (i think roman and shiv have such an uncanny twin-like tendency to annoy one another and squabble), but i think he rarely felt like he was able to connect with them emotionally (not any fault of theirs, though, he’s a lot more guarded like shiv is) and didn’t really have an emotional outlet like the one connor gave kendall or the one he later provides for shiv. but i kinda think he’s always kinda struggled with letting people in fully, so i think roman had a tendency to have superficial romantic relationships as a teenager and would also get kinda spooked if his partner didn’t really warn him before they started confiding in him. that being said, i think he would occasionally lean on his friends for emotional support, way before he would ever confide in his siblings. 

bonus: because these always get to me here’s some nicknames i think the kids had for each other growing up. i ABSOLUTELY think kendall called connor connie when he was little because he couldn’t say connor, and it’s something that shiv did too that they all occasionally use for fondness’s sake. (i mean, all of these are for fondness sake, they’re all adults who can Definitely pronounce each others names, but hey, it’s sweet)! but it IS used less common than just calling him con, so i think it’s definitely (esp for kendall) pulled out during heartfelt moments between the two. the same thing is why the countless nicknames for roman exist (ro, roro, romey), but i think bc kendall and connor are more sentimental its why they’re more likely to call him that as adults and kept it up well into childhood. i think because connor is sappy he called shiv shivy and pinky when she was growing up even when he was a teenager because he felt like it suited her and thought it was cute! idk, i think it made sense to call a baby overly cutesy nicknames. (but YES i think pinky originated from connor and not from logan and it was something logan kept with when connor went away to school so shiv only really remembers it as something her dad did... but no! fuck logan! sibling rights <3) 

[fallingfromdepression]

12/6/2020

this is gonna be less about school and more me rambling about my mental health and where i am rn in life. i got triggered earlier and i’m hoping i’ll feel better once i write it all out so then i can hopefully get my mind focused back on trying to do this final assignment due tmr evening that i’ve barely started so that’s what the stakes are. put under a cut bc it’s detailing quite a bit of some of my personal life

so i bought a surprise box from an indie artist that ended up being around $30 total with shipping (not too bad since the box is supposed to include at least $50 worth of merch). i haven’t had a lot of misc purchases ever since i came back home, or at least i’m definitely spending less than i did when i was at school, and i generally like all of this artist’s merch so i thought it was a decent expense. unfortunately i did have to buy it today when i am technically supposed to be working on finals and etc but it didn’t take much time since i was notified abt the restock yesterday and i preferred to buy sooner rather than later (i.e. after all my finals are finished) esp from small businesses that have a limited stock. but since my parent is intimately involved with my finances, they saw the purchase asap and kind of interrogated me abt it esp since it’s not a purchase from amazon or a bigger business.

now the context that makes that latter part more meaningful: about this time last yr, i had a situation where i tried to buy an anime merch through a proxy on twitter. this proxy didn’t have an actual website so i was buying through DMs. when i paid the proxy in advance, this same parent saw the purchase and asked me abt it and checked up on the process without asking for any further info. i made the grave mistake (in hindsight) of being honest and telling them i still hadn’t received the purchase months after i had paid them so then this whole shitshow ensued where my parent was convinced the proxy was conning me (the proxy had proxied merch for other ppl before based on their facebook proxy page) and had me cancel the proxy which the proxy thankfully agreed to except they still wanted some payment since they had still gone through the effort to get the merch supposedly (the wait was due to them not shipping the good out yet) so they said they were only going to refund part of the payment. yet again i told my parent abt this partial refund and that further convinced my parent the proxy was conning me (out of $3) so they were like no absolutely no payment to the proxy. lucky for the proxy, around the time i was refunding the payment i had left home and gone back to school so i told them to refund the full amt and i’d pay them separately so i could pretend this $3 payment was for something else i was buying physically. and very very lucky for me the proxy was understanding and refunded the full amt so it looked like i got everything back and i paid them separately through another app. the thing is i was expecting the proxy to take a while bc i had seen on other twitter accounts that proxied merch through individuals tended to take a while, and it had been abt 2ish months since i made the payment. i understand the concern my parent had esp since they are not familiar with online informal dealings, but the thing is ever since this fiasco my parent has assumed everything i buy from a small business (aka anything they don’t recognize) is me getting conned again.

to a degree i understanding and appreciate the concern, but i’m frustrated bc even with that proxy payment i literally cried that night out of anxiety and concern bc i knew there was a chance i could get conned and i had spent days being like ‘should i do it. oh god idk should i. but i’ve checked up on this proxy through any means possible and they seem ok enough...’ so it’s not like i’m like naive af and being like ‘tee hee con me !!’ like i understand the risk and was willing to do it (and to this day i still believe i would have gotten the merch albeit much later than expected). and my age is considered adult age pretty much internationally so it’s not like i’m a naive af 8yo who doesn’t know the dangers of the internet. yes i haven’t made much online purchases but i’m aware of the scams and try to make sure i’m buying from a trusted seller and if it’s worth it for the price. but i hate having to be so concerned abt my spending habits and whether the package will get here in time before my parent cancels the order out of fear of me being conned “again” at my age. i’ll admit i don’t have a stable job yet but it’s not like i’m spending money every week or even every month. if i wasn’t at home i would be less concerned bc the shipment isn’t going to my home address so the parent can’t scrutinize it but bc it is now, my spending is put under more scrutiny.

anyway my parent’s low-key interrogation shook up my mental state as expected and i had to take a bit to unload on my sibling and cry a little. i know if i wasn’t at home this wouldn’t affect me as much but bc i’m at home and having to deal with it in person instead of over text or a phone call... and the damn pandemic isn’t ending anytime soon so i’m going to have to stay at home for the indefinite future. it’s not like i have a ton of shit i want to buy but i don’t want to have to deal with this trigger every few months (last purchase was back in maybe september or so towards a book publishing kickstarter which i guess bc it was only $15 my parent didn’t kick up too much of a fuss abt since technically i still don’t have the ebook i paid for). i’m not purchasing any christmas presents for friends or anyone so i don’t have that as a cover or anything. but the thing is even once i leave home i have little confidence i’ll be able to be independent and my sibling told me it’ll take a few years for me to get a grasp on things but idk. it just feels so far away in the future and i can’t envision my present self with no motivation or willpower to do it even though i mean when push comes to shove i’ll get it done i suppose. i know the rational outsider’s answer would be ‘well why don’t you start working on that better future self now?’ and i’m like great fucking suggestion and i have nothing to argue against that. i just literally cannot envision my future at this point, even if i act on my vague dream of doing art as a job. maybe once i fucking finish these finals and this quarter i’ll be able to think more clearly but idk. as i said in my last post, i really need to consider seeing a therapist bc being at home and having to handle being under my parents’ control again is really doing a number on me esp as essentially a NEET (partially false since i’m still in edu but i really do be feeling like that since i feel so useless and dependent on my parents at my age when i know others my age are slightly more independent).

i feel like this ended up me rambling about essentially the same things i ramble abt whenever i talk abt my mental health the past few years and idk how much this actually helped unload the burden on my mental state. i just wish i didn’t have to have this trigger bc i would’ve just made the purchase and then not think much abt it until i receive the package. but now i have to have this concern for the future on top of the fucking deadlines i have in the next 2 days.

[thedeviljudges]

I am currently in shock. My friend is going to LA next week to see Joe at one of his concerts and I can't go cause it's 21 and older and in another state. AND this friend is going to the UK in December with family and managed to get tickets to the con that Natalia Dyer and Charlie Heaton are going to be attending there and shes gonna meet them. She bought one of the meet and greet pictures. And I'm just sitting here, while she gets to meet some of my favs. I'm happy for her but also jealous lmao

nah i feel ya, babe. there’s definitely been instances where friends of mine, and one in particular, who just always seems to have good things happen to them. they’re able to have great experiences all the time. like luck is on their side, and i just kinda sit here in awe of how shit like that works out for people bc it never has for me. so definitely a level of jealousy and still being happy for them exists. i think it’s normal though esp when it just feels like everything is against you and not other people. not that you wish them ill will, but it’s frustrating. while i’m glad she’s gonna go have a good time, there’s always a possibility in the future of you going to a con or a show and interacting with your favs. it might not be now, but you never know.

[01010010-posts]

abo anon. imagine the omegas bois about to join their alpha during their rut for the first time & they think they're gonna get straight up pounded but instead alpha eats them out wildly & later admits that nothing pleases them more than tasting them as they listen to them gasp & pant & moan.

wow abo anon coming here knowing full well what i like,,,,crying just by thinking about RK900 bc honestly this man is weak af for his alpha but no, all he’s gonna get is be the take-out of the week he’ll enjoy it a LOT not gonna lie but he’ll also be midly annoyed bc hello??? you’re in a rut?? no?? his data says you’re not supposed to behave like this?? are you holding back or just playing with him?? still he gets turned on when you say such things and,,,, makes a mental note of being very vocal when you’re in an intimate moment, he’ll even describe in details how you’re making him feel/what you’re doing if you like itconnor is UGH he loves every moment of it an alpha that actually likes to hear his omega moaning for so long?? he could cry bc you guessed it he’s a very talkative baby but UGH the tease you’re putting him thru he’d buckle his hips begging you to stop because please? please? knot? gib knot?? please? PRETTY PLEASE?? HE LIKES IT??60 is honestly made for someone that doesn’t mind spending half of his rut making him pant and overheat so much they have to stop or he’ll reboot he doesn’t mind AT ALL trust me but he’ll return double the favour otherwise he’d feel super guilty about it he wants his alpha to feel good too“tell me!! how!! to spoil!! my bois!!” is the biggest MOOD ever fuck60: his nests are a big X he’s not good at doing them and he gets p fidgety maybe you won’t like it? or you’ll say it’s good just to make him happy? maybe it’s actually very uncomfortable?? he hates doing nests for these and other reasons so the best thing to do is him choosing fabrics/blankets/old clothes with both of your scents on and you helping putting them in the right place, it won’t be perfect and in the back of his mind he’ll get a bit distressed but a big pro is that it’s unique, it has his & his alpha’s taste, it’s cute and if he gets to cuddle with you in it it’s okay he supposes. his fav kissing spot is his nape near his usb port he melts in a literal second, gently caressing him there too!! every type of cuddle is fine really! his fav position is on top when he’s in heat because he can still sort of control what’s going to happen but he really likes to be the little spoon while being knotted and afterwards. he’s a sweet baby so he needs a sweet alpha, someone who won’t get mad at him and has a big sense of humor, he loves jokes so mhh also someone who’s a bit on the adventurous side he loves to be outside! what does he wanna hear? praises. like, a lot. and dirty talk. he loves to use heavy dirty talk and doesn’t mind if his partner uses it too (but he’s p insecure so light dirty talk for him thnx). ps. try ropes/sensory deprivation with him pls,,,, not gonna regret it.connor: this man has graduated from nests’ college honestly,,,, a perfectionist, his nests are to die for HOW the fuck does he even make you feel so relaxed??? a mystery. he won’t asks you anything except for yours fuzzy sweaters, the rest is personally hand picked and it might be weird if you analyze it individually but he knows what he’s doing. kisses mhh inner thighs & face. fav position? his alpha on top and him down,,,, but he loves to be on his alpha’s chest and hug them when knotted,,,, he might lightly doze off and snore, heaven. he’s still himself so he was made to mix with humans so everyone’s fine. he can adapt. AGAIN: praises. just that. doesn’t need anything else.RK900: fuck him honestly because he’s super spoiled in this AU okay my man needed some much deserved cuddles. so his nests are rather minimalistic, black, white, gray, blankets, some pockets where you can store already approved snacks and YOUR things obv that’s the big part he can’t sleep easy without your scent so uhh?? fav spot to kiss? his abdomen & his back. fav position? whatever feels good i think but sometimes he wants to ride. while knotted he loves to hug his alpha but he also wants to be able to get cuddles so it’s both of you on one side, facing each other, kissing plenty. needs a VERY patient alpha this boy’s pretty jelly & needy. what does he wants to hear? that you’re good and you love him. also that you’re going to fucking eat your greens.omegas: connor doesn’t mind it but he much prefers when it’s his alpha riding his face his favourite pastime IM NOT JOKING this baby loves to be mouthknotted plus his tongue is?? ugh not going into details he’s a kinky shit but you get the hint60 likes it more than he should it’s fun & if his alpha likes it too where’s the cons?? there’s noneRK900 is a brat sometimes so ugh yep totally his thing if you ask me but it’s more of a treat so it’s not an everyday eventalphas: connor loves it,,,, sm,,,, always tongue thing but gosh his omega moaning above him? he’s going to crash from the pleasure60′s really happy if his omega likes it, he’s more of a fan of doing other things but not a problem at allRK900 weak af android found dead in detroit bc he adores his omega too much and them riding his face is bliss android heaven? never heard of it until NOWFUCK DOES HE SOUNDS CUTE ALLRIGHT!!!!!! love himhe’s p embarrassed like “you know,,,, if you have other things to do it’s fine just,,,, im really hot rn so,,, mhh” how can you say no to this little thing begging for your affectionhe has the prettiest moans and he’s so soft,,,, he feels like a cloud and aftercare is where’s the best at(him clinging because he wants his alpha to knot him more and cuddle? that’s,,,, that’s all i want in the world)DARE YOU? yep you dare.as soon as 60′s confident with his partner he gets super uneasy without them so uhh?? no?? heat without alpha?? big red warning he literally pleads you to let him call he needs to hear your voice and maybe if you have time whisper some things to him and hear him come while on the phone BUT please cuddle him a lot when you come home he’s lonelyconnor’s annoyed mostly, pouting because that was not the deal :( now he’s all alone what’s he’s supposed to do???? okay FINE he will play with some toys/videos but you’re going to give him extra attention next time he wants to have sexRK900 can i say it one more time? HE’S NEEDY WTF no no leave alone esp during heat it must be a life or death thing or he will get very grumpy for two whole days no not even overstimulating the heck out of him will work no wait maybe that’ll work just fine but lots of kisses and cuddles too or you can sleep on the couch baby

[bonkalore]

Alright, I’m gonna be real with you all.... I am broke af rn....

And I need help....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Here’s the short version:

This fund is specifically for Sizecon bc I’ve been going for the past 2 years it’s been active but it’s also a part of my income since it’s the only place I sell stuff at....and I need to start preparing for tickets and such now if I’m planning to go this July 28-29th in NY (tho we’ll likely be staying about a week). 

With the calculated costs of con tickets, plane tickets, hotel room, food & transportation, as well as pet sitting while we’re gone, the total has come up to at least $1,300 needed for the trip.... (some of it was rounded and some I don’t even know for sure so it could end up being more tbh... I wish it wasn’t)    

Our living situation changed in the past year and I've been struggling to make ends meet (esp after our massive vet bills ending in 2 birds passing anyway in Feb)and now have no money I can save for this con at the end of July...

*That's where you guys can help make this hope of mine come true!* (And if I don't make enough for the con, just know all your money will be helping me anyway just to survive!) 

 Any bit helps! ;o;

~*Here’s the funding pool link on my paypal!*~

-And if you want to support but also get something out of it, just a reminder I still have LOTS of prints and merch leftover from last year still as well!-

*Also, if you personally are going to the con yourself and donate $5+ I’ll give you a free print and button of your choice there! ;u; (pls give me your email if you do and relay it to me while there in person so I know who to give the stuff out to!)*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Longer and more painful situation under the cut.....

But tbh, I had been thinking about setting up a donation pool in general with how bad things have been going. I already had patreons and felt hesitant to start one, but with my depression being so bad for so long and unmedicated, I’ve had a hard time keeping up with those and don’t feel I’ve really earned the money till I’ve finished what I owe... And I owe so much now that I can’t even try to take on commissions to make up for it.

I tried getting health insurance a while back to cover behavioral health bc that’s what I needed most to get me to work regularly again... but it turns out all the clinics for that out her suck ass apparently so I’m just wasting all my money and I feel like an idiot and now it’s just another thing to stress over... I feel dumb even admitting/explaining it but $400/mo for health insurance is something I can’t even afford and I need to fix that asap now bc I’m literally running out of money. Not to mention all the vet bills we had back in Feb when Birb’s health declined again and then even the budgie, who we both inevitably had to put down only weeks from each other... I never asked for help then tho I probably should have... We spent over $1k just in that month with trying to help them and then just for paying for euthanization and ashes... Also part of the reason I got so behind on work stuff. I’m still hardly coping (and actually tearing up just writing it out tbh).

Our living situation changed in the past year and I hardly said much online, but it’s just been Zuka and I mostly paying for the house bills since her family went to live in CA in an already furnished house for a year to do a job with someone. They had a good deal and took it, and while I’m glad to finally having the house to ourselves, it’s been hard doing everything and paying on bills more... And I feel horrible I can’t even help support Zuka more and myself bc of my health insurance bill that I couldn’t even use to help solve the real problem: my crippling depression that I’ve been dealing with horrifically already with the past 3 years (technically longer but it’s been so bad to the point where I wish I had disability for it bc I’m not working to make any money and I’ve been living off savings for that long and now I’m running totally dry). I currently have less than $1k in my bank account shared between my checking and savings... I have more in my paypal, but like I said, I don’t even count all of that yet until I finish my work owed in case of needed refunds.... After this next billing coming up in a few days for the end of the month I’m gonna have close to maybe $500 left.... My patreons have helped me survive scraping by just for this long at least but even that isn’t enough right now and things are dire. I’m really feeling fucked rn. Like I said... any bit helps. I could go into it more but honestly it’s just... I don’t wanna bother writing out more pathetic shit about myself and I’m sure nobody wants to bother reading it either and I don’t blame you... I get even more depressed just thinking about it. Everything has just plummeted and I’ve been wanting this year to be better and have been really trying but there’s only so much I can do without the proper care and medication I need.... I feel most of it is my fault and I’m just a useless piece of shit that’s continuing to be a burden but that’s what severe depression does.... It’s been a while since I’ve even wanted to consider suicide, but boy does not existing or being conscious at all sound great...

Please help me if you’re able... I’ve been in a rough spot for a while now... Thanks for bothering reading any of this if you did.

[koutawoo]

It got solved yaay 😂 whose banner is that pity from anyway. Still I hope he doesn't trouble you. I need like 10 fates to hit pity and I have to wait 1 whole update hnghh. I feel burnt out too. I hope he does. Rn I really just want him. Everyone hates on him sm I want to just baby him hngh. This mam has no sense of direction. God I wish they would let us trade charas in a way that wouldn't cause trouble. . Like for standard characters at least. GIVE HIM HERR HHHHHH.

I got two early monas recently take her away hhhhhh. No hate on her ofc I just don't use her.

Absgsbsj you enjoy all kind of hydro charas don't you?

I would love them to fight in a cool cutscene but with no casualties please ahvbsjbs.

You see how my brain went and choose the not playable guy and standard banner guy as favs? Foul. At least Childe keeps me company haha.

Gosh I missed chatting with you like this but you sound really busy and I don't wanna annoy you so I'll stop~☆ have fuuun

i started wishing rlly late on xiao's banner bc i remembered that his constellations weren't particularly useful until i realized..... i don't run xiao with double anemo nor do i have any energy recharge on him (only about 104%), so his first two cons would be VERY helpful in my case TT and then, i started wishing on zhongli's banner for xingqiu cons bc he always ends up on banners i don't wish on and i didn't mind another zhongli con (if i got lucky) LOL

next week (the 15th) is the update? but... it'll be yae's banner, oop. well, it's not like they hate-hate him, they just (affectionately) hate him for being a standard character who ruins pity. even my friend says he hates him, but i literally called him out on his fake hate, hmph. like, he's such a marvel loser, how can he hate genshin batman?? >:(

trading characters would be such a loss of profit, so they'd never do that over their dead bodies. imagine getting a diluc banner LOL keqing got a banner once but it was mostly bc of unconventional timing regarding LNY and hu tao the death girl's banner

standard banner characters r the bane of my existence bc i don't use any of them. i use diluc, but the other characters just don't... they don't synergize with my gameplay. mona is a good character to pair with diluc though, me thinks :>

girl, there's literally death flags and actual deaths in genshin. esp as of recent (not rlly), signora perished. c'mon now, a harbinger. guess who else is a harbinger? D: ok anyways,,

IT'S OKAY, i'm still waiting for scaramouche (too), il dotore, cyno, dainsleif.... all the husbands, ahem. honestly, if scaramouche isn't playable by the end of this year?? how can mihoyo make childe go mia and searching for scaramouche for a whole year, MAKE THEM COME BACK--