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be honest....what do you really see in kai?

( be honest. / accepting ! )

well, this certainly wasn’t an ideal question. especially not right now. hotaru still isn’t quite sure where she stands with the young man mentioned, the very thought of the strain between them making the space in her chest tighten. 

& it isn’t the first time this has been asked. her best friend, her parents, hell, even kai’s friends, on occasion - everyone seemed to want to know what she saw in the young blader. she’s always shrugged them off. that’s far easier than explaining why her heart still manages to skip a beat or two each time that deep ruby gaze met hers. hotaru allows herself the opportunity to take a slow breath, eyes averting to the floor. 

❝  more than anyone else who knows him, it seems, ❞ she answers, a hint of ice clinging to the words. she normally didn't allow herself to get defensive when this topic came into conversation. but she’s still so frazzled about everything between the two of them … 

❝  i see that he’s passionate. about … about anything he wants to be passionate about. and i’ve always admired that about him. it’s honestly very refreshing to see someone so … determined. ❞ there’s pride in her tone, but it’s tinted. shadowed by a hint of bitterness. that same passion, that same determination, that drive of his to dedicate himself to that which matters most to him - it’s why they’re in this strange limbo now, isn’t it ? she tries not to think about it too much.

❝ even if others don’t think so - and he would certainly never admit to it himself - he can be kind. and maybe he shouldn’t have been kind to me when we first met, but he was. and he has no idea how much that meant to me in that moment. ❞ there’s a pause, the faintest of smiles flickering over her lips. she still feels silly sometimes, reflecting on their first interactions, her persistence even in the face of his confusion & frustration. hardly a romantic scenario. 

❝  he’s exactly who he says he is - which is also very refreshing. he’s very intelligent and so well-read. on the days where he’s feeling talkative, he just … has the most fascinating perspectives. unique ideas, ones that often challenge my own, and he can be so clever about it ! i’ve loved reading things in his library, just to have something new to hear him talk about. i'm sure he knows i’ve been sneaking a few books with me after i visit, but he’s never said anything, so he probably doesn't mind. ❞ then, a waver - her confidence falters. a few months ago, she could’ve made that statement with certainty. now … now she isn’t quite so sure. 

realizing how long she’s been talking, a rush of pink colors her cheeks. hotaru tucks a curtain of rich black behind her ear, the vibrancy in her violet hues melting away alongside her enthusiasm. 

❝  … i think those reasons are more than enough. at least, they always have been for me. ❞

damn it. she misses him.

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send me "be honest..." with a question your muse has been dying to ask mine and they'll answer truthfully.

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Louise Glück, from "Stars", Poems: 1962–2020

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❝Hotaru-chan! I got this cinnamon roll as a gift for my birthday & don't know who gave it but I can't finish it all by myself. Please, this is for you. Enjoy it! If you would like more for anyone else, please let me know, I am sure I will still have plenty left. ❞

❝ -- huh ? ❞ the sound isn’t particularly elegant, given voice by her confusion & surprise in equal measure. wide amethyst eyes fall from ami’s kindly face to the sweet treat being presented before her. did she miss a shift in social convention somewhere ? isn’t it customary for gifts to be given to the person whose birth is being celebrated, not the other way around ? 

this certainly makes the small gift box of twelve hand-crafted bookmarks feel awkward in her hands. what exactly is she meant to do with them now ? especially if she’s going to be taking a cinnamon roll … 

❝ well, i suppose it’s good timing that i was on my way to you this afternoon, ❞ hotaru acknowledges with a smile, deciding that her questions can wait until later. ❝ this is very generous of you, ami-chan - especially on your own birthday ! thank you for - ❞

okay, well, maybe some of her questions are worth asking now. 

❝ hold on a moment. did you say someone you don’t know gave you these ? ❞

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What is something about my portrayal[s] that sticks out?

Example being; my muses ticks they have, the way they talk, etcetera.

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she's known this feeling before, in a lifetime so near & yet not her own. that familiar sour taste of being left behind, abandoned, forgotten. it's a cold that settles deep, woven into her bones; a cold that no fire could ever provide enough warmth to keep at bay. except, of course, everything about kai has always burned brighter than any fire she’s even known. dangerous, & yet, always able to draw her in again. 

❝ how dare you - ❞ she starts, the words catching on themselves. hotaru tells herself to move, to evade - get away before he can try & lower her guard with this act of tenderness. but the instant the curve of his palm reaches her cheek, her walls begin to crumble. what began as one tear becomes two, becomes more, becomes sadness that hazes her vision & spills over lower lashes too quickly for her to stop.

she wants to be comforted. she wants to let him wipe her tears, wants to lean closer into the calloused warmth of his palm. she wants to close her eyes & forget that these past few months ever happened - he’s just visiting her for the first time in a few days; she’ll lace her fingers through his & allow him to guide her somewhere else, anywhere else. a cafe for lunch, a museum to peruse, any place where it could be just the two of them. 

but of course it’s never that simple. ( things rarely are for her. )

this wasn't worth it. he could say that all he wants, but how could hotaru have ever considered any different ? it was clearly worth it when he didn't consider anything she did to contact him worthy of a reply. she can feel something hot churning in her chest, like a kettle beginning to whistle & scream as its contents boils.

❝ you have no idea how - how worried i was. i thought i did something wrong, i thought you hated me - you just left without a word ! like you didn’t care, like i never meant fucking anything - ❞ it's the first time in weeks she's let herself cry so openly about this. & by the stars does it hurt. but beneath that, beneath the raw anguish that still wants to wail & bare its teeth, there’s relief. she’s earned this.

& perhaps she's being selfish - it's the most self - centered she's allowed her words to be in a long, long time. but she doesn't care. her fingers are around his wrist, feeling the thrum of a pulse just beneath. she wants to push him away. she wants to pull him closer. all she can manage to do is squeeze, as though to give her power over a decision she has no desire to make.

❝ you have no idea what that did to me, ❞ hotaru whispers, the faintest remnants of venom still clinging to her tongue. the explosive wave of her grief has subsided, mellowing once more to barely brush along a battered shoreline. she doesn’t have the energy to maintain that heightened level for more than a moment or two. but proud through it all, her free hand rises to wipe the evidence of distress from her face, a long, shuddering breath escaping her chest. she feels … lighter, at least. not better, but lighter. ❝ if you’d wanted to break up with me, i would’ve preferred if you just said so. instead of - instead of this. ❞

                                   He felt like all of this is wrong. Coming here was wrong. Saying nothing before he left was wrong. EVERYTHING WAS WRONG. & yet, his poor attempt to fix this situation was all he could do. What would have been the better options? Flowers? Candy? Money? As if Kai could do anything of that nonsense with a straight face & not the intent to murder the person who even managed to put him up to this. Granted at this rate, he was willing to do anything (within reason--this is Kai after all). Anything at all to ERASE what he had done.

                                  He could see the infliction of pain he put on her. The was she looked at him, spoke to him, the reluctance to touch him. It made him feel AWKWARD. He shouldn't be here. He shouldn't be putting her though any more pain. Would this not be deemed SELFISH on his part? Forcing her to face him as he attempts to fix this & soothe his own guilty conscious? No one could tell him that wasn't selfish.

                                     ❛ You should. ❜ He whispered finding himself slightly ANNOYED at her restraint. That made this all the more harder to face. Even after all od this, she was still being NICE to him. As it stood right now, that last thing he deserved, at least in his mind was her KINDNESS. The whining of the dog hadn't been enough of a distraction to bring Kai out of his self imposed stupor & the lack of screaming, crying & cursing at him was even more UNNERVEING. It almost magnified everything even more to him.

                HOW DARE HE EVEN SHOW HIS FACE.                                                     (THEY WERE ALL RIGHT ABOUT YOU)

                                  Hotaru came out closer to him; the door shutting behind them as if to force him into a bubble so he couldn't run. & to add insult to injury, she CONGRATULATED HIM. Even more shit he didn't deserve. (YOU DON'T DESERVE HER). The longer he was made to stand in the self destruction, the more nauseated he felt. Yet, to turn tail & run from her was the COWARDS way out. He had to see this through, even it was the end of everything. The end of THEM.

                             ❛ It wasn't. ❜ Impulse took over & Kai moved closer to her, to the point where if she were to fall, she would be caught without contest. ❛ This-- ❜as he gestures between himself & her with is finger back & forth ❛ wasn't worth it. ❜ The rapid blinking from her caught Kai's eye. He had yet to turn his gaze away; he was told that such a thing rubbed people wrong. His stare was TOO INTENSE. Intense to everyone but her & considering what he had done, there was no way he could even look away. 

                             Kai outstretched his hand & maybe this too much, but the compulsion to stop was no longer as loud as the NEED to feel her skin against his own, even it was brief. His hand cradled the side of his cheek and gently, the pad of his thumb, probably slightly callous from training trace underneath her eye to wipe away whatever tear managed to escape. ❛ This...wasn't worth it. ❜

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🖤 Don’t fear the Reaper 🖤

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What drew you to my blog initially, and what, so far, has made you stay?

Is it the mun’s muses, their writing style, their worldbuilding? Is it the mun themselves? All of the above? Let ‘em know!

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Emily Dickinson, “The Lost Jewel.”

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there is something there, right along the edge of her senses. too undefined to have any clear meaning, almost too subtle to notice, but it’s certainly present. a prickling sensation along her scalp & a strange trail of goosebumps along her arms, but hotaru can't quite discern why. perhaps its in the intensity inherent to any ruby gaze - though honestly, she should be more used to that by now. 

releasing a stalled breath, the firefly allows herself to relax, the curve to her lips wavering sheepishly. she isn't usually the type to intrude on someone else's personal space this way - especially not when they're a total stranger. just how exhausted was she ? should she have just struggled along, staggering under the weight of her baggage ? considering how he carries on the conversation, her behavior certainly couldn't be the worst faux pas he's encountered.

❝ thankfully, not very far. only a few more blocks, ❞ hotaru answers, a hint of tight enthusiasm clipping the edge of her words. she shrugs, placing her hand atop one of the nearest bags. ❝ they're donations for the hospital down the road. i'm just delivering them. ❞

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It hardly took the eyes of a demon to see that she was struggling - but an observing one, at that. Now, normally he would pay it no mind; if he had, he would simple have stop and assist every single person in slight peril he'd come across. And he simple did not have the time nor interest for that. However, this one was hard to refute; after all, she was intruding on his currently claimed spot on the park bench.

Despite the sarcasm, her body language said it all - not to mention the following of dumping her packages on said part bench and seating beside them. With a curious rise of his eyebrow, Sebastian briefly regarded the many packages before his gaze would lock itself onto her. "Is that so?" He asked curiously, genuinely wondering exactly how far she had gone without a single break until now. "And... exactly how far do you have left, if I may ask?" Surely she wasn't planning on carrying these across the city, was she...? Well... no matter. It's not like he had anything else to do at the moment.

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❛ 𝐖𝐄'𝐑𝐄 𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐌𝐀𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐐𝐔𝐈𝐍𝐒 ⸻

independent canon and divergent portrayal of aoi no saffiru ( BLUE SAPHIR ) from Naoko Takeuchi's SAILOR MOON, written and adored by KUROSHI. Indulged heavily from the manga, crystal and classic 90's adaptions. Dark themes may apply; do tread at your own discretion. 

                𝟎𝟏.   rules.                 𝟎𝟐.   about.               𝟎𝟑.   verse.

⸻ 𝐁𝐔𝐈𝐋𝐓 𝐈𝐍 𝐀 𝐅𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐘. ❜

profile icon template and dividers created by the lovely kas @ isaworks.

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Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one's head,and listen to silence. To have no yesterday, and no tomorrow. To forget time, to forgive life,to be at peace.

-OSCAR WILDE

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IT HURTS, at first. hotaru tries not to flinch. his admission wounds her more than the firefly would care to admit, a series of thorns that constrict suddenly around that organ beating frantically in her chest. it was one thing, to live in the fantasy that perhaps he never knew, never realized to what degree she desperately tried to reach him over & over again. but no, of course not. he meant to ignore her. 

she lets him speak. it would do no good for her to interrupt anyways, & she hardly knows what she’s meant to say. should she THANK him for facing her after all this time, even if it only breaks her heart all over again ? this entire encounter is a shovel unearthing the soil piled high over all of her sadness, her dejection, forcing her to confront feelings she would’ve rather forgotten. it certainly would have been easier that way. still, never once does her gaze waver, fixated solely on his face, recommitting every feature of it. of course it hasn’t changed, but this isn’t the half-finished sketches she’s left behind in her notebook. this is real, this is kai.  then again, she doesn’t think he’s ever been so unwilling to meet her eyes like this before.

❝ i’m not going to SLAP you, hiwatari-kun. you should know me better than that by now, ❞ hotaru sighs, crestfallen. then, under her breath, she adds,  ❝ regardless of if i think you deserve it or not. ❞ as therapeutic as it would be, it isn’t in her nature. 

maron whines at her heels, desperate to be involved despite the heavy air that hovers around the two of them. for a moment, she is grateful for the distraction, for the reprieve, the opportunity to look away from the intensity of him. with a quick order for the pup to stay, hotaru steps forward, crossing over the threshold of her home & bringing the door to a close behind her. the decision leaves her standing just slightly closer to kai, something she realizes only after hearing the soft click behind her. & now her quickest method of escape is further out of reach. great.

❝ i knew. about the tournament, i mean. it was hard not to, since i used to try and … ❞ the words fade, & her hand waves the rest of the sentence away. it hardly matters now. ❝ congratulations on that, by the way. i mean it. you and your team should be proud. everyone’s clearly worked hard. you’ve clearly worked hard. ❞ the faintest traces of charcoal are still visible, caught on the ridges of her fingerprints, & she cannot help but remember the painting of dranzer she made for him. that feels like an eternity ago. was it still hanging in his study ? did he come home & see it & think of her again ? would he replace it with something else ? her eyes, they’re starting to burn - she blinks quickly, but the sting doesn’t go away. 

❝ … i hope it was worth it. ❞

                                                The way she said his title, HIWATARI-KUN instead of Kai filled him with a dread he didn't know he could experience. & while they stood there, these two awkward souls as they were, Kai had to knock down his compulsion to run. With everyone else, there was nothing he couldn't do to them. They wanted an answer from him, they could whatever the deemed appropriate as an answer. Someone wanted to know where he was going? MAYBE he'll tell you, or you could venture a guess with context clues. He did not care. Besides a few people, Kai did not deem many people worthy of his attention or a straight answer. Curt answer? Yes. Straight answer, no. 

                                                 But. With her? He was all thumbs.

                                                ❛ I did need to say it. You deserve more than just SILENCE from someone like me. ❜ No, Kai. Don't get angry. His overwhelming guilt & inability to attempt to explain why the radio silence was maddening & the joke of it is, ITS ALL SELF IMPOSED! ( FUCKING SPEAK COWARD!! What was she gonna do? Hit you? Slam the door in your face? Not like you don't deserve it. Or what, you gonna just run with your tail inbetween your legs? ) Fists clenced at the sides of him. His anger & disappointment in hismself was BURNING like hellfire. ❛ You deserve the best. ❜

                                       ( & THAT WILL NEVER BE ME. )

                                            ❛ I saw them. ❜ He started, taking his time to formulate what he wanted to say, how to say it & how to pace it. ❛ The calls. The messages. I saw them. But that doesn't explain why I didn't answer them. ❜ The more Kai talked the more he found himself battling with what to tell her & how to word it. How does one tell someone they didn't talk to them & left with no warning because of a self imposed discipline? It all sounded so stupid. He was stupid thinking that he was in any way shape or form good enough for Hotaru. 

                                             & that self-doubt is what lead him to say everything he needed to say & be damned about it came out. He wasn't worth the time anyway. ❛ I was gone for the Guantlet with the Bladebreakers. That's where I've been. Traveling, training & blading. Not calling or texting was intentionally because I didn't want to be distracted. I wanted to keep me & dranzer focused at the task at hand along with the rest of the bladebrakers. I wanted to call or message back but the longer I waited... ❜ Don't stop now Kai. Just get it out there & be honest. ❛ ...the more embarssed I was. So...I didn't answer. Then...they stopped coming. I didn't hear a ping anymore & I figured well.. ❜ Teeth gripped at the bottom lip threatening to break skin from the tension. ❛ ...that's it. She's gone now. ❜

                                            Finally, Kai lifted his head and looked to Hotaru, ruby locking on to amethyst. ❛ I'm sorry. You didn't deserve any of that. Me leaving without a word, the silence & now me showing up here like a patheic dog. ❜ Digging his heels into the grounds, he took in a breath; relased it. ❛ You can slap me & slam the door in my face now. I'll get out of your hair. ❜