#ended up being a lot harder than i thought
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I can feel myself becoming more and more familiar with DaTV now, like, the characters are becoming more familiar. I find myself thinking about them when I’m going about my day, filling in the gaps of who they are with my own headcanons. Like, did you know Emmrich is deaf in his left ear? He got slammed in his first week of combat training as an Apprentice. He was so annoyed about this that from that point on he worked really hard to practice combat, and to his, and everyone else surprise, was brilliant at it. It’s funny really, that this calm, gentle professor known for floating around picking flowers can knock you off your feet if you test him. Taash was the first to pick up on it, they didn’t bring it up just started fighting on his left.
Or Davrin, he keeps pushing off Bellaras attempts to talk to him about the gods, because he just can’t think about it. If he did it would be like a waterfall. He spent the most formative years of his life caring for Halla in the forest, Ghilan’nain is the Mother of Halla! His clan lived and breathed her worship, whether or not he keeps religion now, her presence is interweaved throughout his childhood, and it was all crap, she was nothing more than a psychopath mage, he can’t think about it.
Hallas make Bellara sneeze, but she denies it.
Lucanis was so overwhelmed that he missed his shot at Weisshaupt it took him nearly a day to utter a word to any of them, he left to be on his own as soon as possible and the moment he was alone he had a panic attack.
Harding often thinks back to Haven, and when the inquisition was just stating out. How she had thought back then that Varric and Solas were old friends, they way they walked together in the hinterlands, chatting about nothing in particular, felt so…comfortable. She misses those days terribly.
Neve didn’t lose her leg in some fantastic battle against the Venatori or a Dragon fight, she was just born without it. Sometimes people are just born different.
When Rook awoke from Solas telling her the truth about the Archdemons, she was so stunned and in shock that when she walked down the stairs to discuss with the others, she fell down them much to everyone’s alarm.
Having to fight a dragon in Treviso almost immediately after meeting cemented a close connection between Rook and Davrin, literally thrown into hell together.
Dorian was the only one able to get anywhere close to that dragon in Minrathos, managed to get a hit square in its eye, but it wasn’t enough. The Iron Bull was in the city the week before, but by the time the dragon attacked he was halfway to the Free Marches.
They all regularly play cards and games around the dining room table.
Taash keeps a small sketchbook on them where they likes to draw all the dragons they meets, they also pets every dog and cat they come across. They sneak hugs from Assan when they think no one is looking.
Emmrich gets Bellara to talk academic theory with him a lot as a form of distraction because he knows she lies awake at night having a never ending crisis of faith.
Bellara often worries and frets that Lucanis isn’t eating enough even though he’s feeding everyone. Lucanis worries the same thing about her.
Lucanis is dyslexic as fuck got really self conscious about how long it was taking him to read one of Neves novels, well, until he realised he literally wasn’t being judge at all actually.
Harding grows elf root to smoke it. Dream blunt rotation to be honest.
Communicating with the dead the way Emmrich does is harder than it looks, it takes a lot of stamina and if the connection is held for too long he’s prone to nosebleeds.
They spar and practice combat in the courtyard in front of the dining hall, usually one v one with the others sitting on the steps watching. Neve keeps encouraging them to take bets.
When Aves sleeps on the green couch, she often wakes up to find Assan curled up nearby. Either that or Emmrich hovering over her because she was screaming in her sleep again and he could hear her in the next room.
Taash and Bellara I’m still working on.
#the veilguard#dragon age#da: the veilguard#dragon age the veilgaurd spoilers#dragon age the veilguard#datv#dragon age spoilers#dragon age veilguard#da4#lucanis dellamorte#dragon age 4#datv rook#davrin#bellara lutare#bellara dragon age#taash the dragon hunter#scout harding#lace harding#harding#neve gallus#emmrich volkarin#dragon age taash#veilguard headcanons
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Random word babble you can ignore about Shamura and Kallamar, but it's kind of fun to imagine the years when Shamura was still mostly a war god but they were also a new older brother to Kallamar and how that likely manifested at first.
Gods in general are pretty known for their selfishness, so I always end up imagining Shamura being a bit overprotective with Kallamar for a little bit and especially very possessive over Kallamar in general for longer while also being both more tending/loving and more aggressive in their actions to and about Kallamar because they're still, ya know, learning to chillax.
Which ends up with Kallamar being very confused in general and even more scared but also, at least a little bit, relieved and happy to finally have a safe space in Shamura. I can also definitely see Kallamar seeing Shamura as a sibling first before Shamura saw him as a little brother, but those feelings hit Shamura HARD in the gut, they weren't prepared at all. And it's just nice to think about
Oh, you make a lot of good points and I can see it!
And sorry for the incoming wall of text, have a suffering Kall for your journey, friend!
When I wrote the chapter about Kall, I hinted at how their relationship worked in those years they were alone.
To me, Shamura never really wanted to be a big sibling when he met Kall. They spared him out of pity and convenience because this squidling still had some power to unlock that they could exploit in their grand scheme of killing deities to reform a new pantheon.
So why was Kall always scared and insanely good with weapons? (yeah he was definitely the hardest fight for me, like 10 times harder than Shamura so I don't know if this is common or I just sucked, but it's part of my hc now).
The first years they were together, it was hell for Kall! Shamura was brutal in their teachings and didn't care to be gentle or compassionate, even less empathic, all things that Kall is.
So they taught him to fight, to kill and to go against his natural calling for healing by unlocking the power to harm with sickness. They did that through violence, through "tough love" cause ffs, god of war and all that.
In my head, the scar on Kall's left eye is Shamura's doing, a mark they left to remind him who is in charge and that they could kill him any moment they wanted.
Things started to change slowly over the years. Kall was the one who "taught" Shamura love, and yes, I am 100% with you on the protective and possessive attitude. Kall became a precious ally, good at his powers, older, and an object of attention.
Kall indeed saw Shamura as a bigger sibling first to try and give meaning to that twisted Stockholm syndrome he was experiencing. He would love his jailer because he thought he could change them and make them better, heal them while being terrified of them.
The relationship evolved eventually, but I can see Shamura not letting Kall out of their sight, killing suitors or friends and imagining them as spies or assassins that could harm his precious little brother.
You know "I do it for you, I love you and I want to keep you always safe"
Then Kall started to be more independent and they probably hated that, but they needed him for god-killing so they had to let him go and do his thing.
When things got more chill, Shamura really loved Kall as much as Kall loved them, but I imagine that underneath the care and niceness that they showed to the other siblings, the feeling toward Kall would still be unconsciously toxic and possessive.
SO conclusions: I feel their relationship is unique compared to the other siblings. Kall has seen the very worst of Shamura and lived with them during that time. That gotta hurt, that is trauma. And that's why our favourite squid is scared all the time.
Thanks for the ask, I love rambling!
#cult of the lamb#cotl#cotl kallamar#cotl shamura#blue answers#thanks anon!#cotl fanart#angst#cw blood#the last bishop the first to fall
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please read roger federer’s retirement tribute tweet for rafa if you haven’t already, it’s so tender and romantic and I thought about your tennis buckies the entire time 💀😭
thanks to you i read it while on duty at the circ desk and teared up in full view of the library wewwww!!!
the letter:
Vamos, @ RafaelNadal! As you get ready to graduate from tennis, I’ve got a few things to share before I maybe get emotional. Let’s start with the obvious: you beat me—a lot. More than I managed to beat you. You challenged me in ways no one else could. On clay, it felt like I was stepping into your backyard, and you made me work harder than I ever thought I could just to hold my ground. You made me reimagine my game—even going so far as to change the size of my racquet head, hoping for any edge. I’m not a very superstitious person, but you took it to the next level. Your whole process. All those rituals. Assembling your water bottles like toy soldiers in formation, fixing your hair, adjusting your underwear... All of it with the highest intensity. Secretly, I kind of loved the whole thing. Because it was so unique—it was so you. And you know what, Rafa, you made me enjoy the game even more. OK, maybe not at first. After the 2004 Australian Open, I achieved the #1 ranking for the first time. I thought I was on top of the world. And I was—until two months later, when you walked on the court in Miami in your red sleeveless shirt, showing off those biceps, and you beat me convincingly. All that buzz I’d been hearing about you—about this amazing young player from Mallorca, a generational talent, probably going to win a major someday—it wasn’t just hype. We were both at the start of our journey and it’s one we ended up taking together. Twenty years later, Rafa, I have to say: What an incredible run you’ve had. Including 14 French Opens—historic! You made Spain proud... you made the whole tennis world proud. I keep thinking about the memories we’ve shared. Promoting the sport together. Playing that match on half-grass, half-clay. Breaking the all-time attendance record by playing in front of more than 50,000 fans in Cape Town, South Africa. Always cracking each other up. Wearing each other out on the court and then, sometimes, almost literally having to hold each other up during trophy ceremonies. I’m still grateful you invited me to Mallorca to help launch the Rafa Nadal Academy in 2016. Actually, I kind of invited myself. I knew you were too polite to insist on me being there, but I didn’t want to miss it. You have always been a role model for kids around the world, and Mirka and I are so glad that our children have all trained at your academies. They had a blast and learned so much—like thousands of other young players. Although I always worried my kids would come home playing tennis as lefties. And then there was London—the Laver Cup in 2022. My final match. It meant everything to me that you were there by my side—not as my rival but as my doubles partner. Sharing the court with you that night, and sharing those tears, will forever be one of the most special moments of my career. Rafa, I know you’re focused on the last stretch of your epic career. We will talk when it’s done. For now, I just want to congratulate your family and team, who all played a massive role in your success. And I want you to know that your old friend is always cheering for you, and will be cheering just as loud for everything you do next. Rafa that! Best always, your fan, Roger
like holy moly it's just so sweet i'm verklempt
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i started another rook and i really didn't intend to make them so "i want that twink obliterated" but uh my hand slipped XD
this is björn ingellvar* (they/he, but sadly the game doesn't let you use mixed pronouns so i just use they/them in game) which just means bear and i realize they're not terribly bear like in appearance, but i think i'll rp it in personality more (ill be honest i liked the sound of it mostly and it had a meaning i can work with). Ingellvar was hard to pair with (i did consider making them a grey warden but i didn't vibe with thorne just yet and the mournwatch aspirational armor is kinda neat) Anyway they're a mourn watch warrior and so far a little more diplomatic/charismatic than my crow rogue rook. I had sort of thought to either romance bellara or emmerich this time round, but now i'm considering neve (trying to make myself make different choices! still an elf but eh). it's weird b/c when i started my other rook i didn't like any of the voices other than erika ishii's for them and this time i gravitated to one of the masc ones instead. so funny how characters shape themselves a bit, it's like oh this came together this way and now this voice is the one that is right. *various DA reddit threads suggested that nevarra is partially prussian inspired which does track with emmerich being an old german name. I spent several hours pouring through old german names which do also have a lot of cross pollination with various scandinavian names on several name etymology websites. Technically the german variant would be bjoern but whatever.
early thoughts on warrior: it feels a lot more underpowered than rogue from the outset. The weapon type swapping is a lot more awkward- rogue just uses r2 on controller to swap between knives and bow which feels really natural and fluid (and how a lot of other modern rpgs work, so you expect it). The war/mage use the d-pad to swap and it's just not as good of a feel (tho it is an interesting choice? the warrior swaps between sword & board and two handed, and mage swaps between staff and knife w/orb). i was def a bit like oh am i screwed, do i not get a ranged attack? but you sort of do (i think it would have been fine if war had arrows but i can see why they wanted to make it different) I like the idea of the captain america shield throw, but having to charge it up feels kind of bad (esp coming from the rogue where you just shoot your bow until you run out of arrows). Would have been better to have the shield throw just do something like that. (started towards the mourn watch tree and the shield throw is feeling better but wish it was better out of the gate you know?)
blocking is also a lot more important to the war kit and i'm bad at it (didn't really need to do it on rogue, just dodge quickly a lot) so we'll see if i can even stick to this. i don't want to block things except with my head, game. warrior also doesn't feel especially tanky per se, idk. doing this one on adventurer mode again but might turn it down (tbh rogue felt so op at the end there, i prob could have turned up the difficulty and been okay. maybe another future rogue rook if i'm ever feeling like a challenge ). i'm intrigued by the specializations (esp reaper i think) and i do think it'll get more fun as i unlock more skillz, but out of the gate a little clunky (i also started a mage rook and they also feel a bit weak compared to rogue. might like war more than mage for once??).
>>>> 2nd pt endgame knowledge spoilers behind cut!!! do not click if you haven't finished the game at least once! <<<<
playing this a second time and knowing everything you can actually spot the Varric CLUES early. There's a point where you're talking to solas in that first fade convo and he actually cuts himself off from saying that varric is dead, like you get the TINIEST hint of the "de" before solas elongates it into it a "is good at his own half truths".
also in conversations with harding her palpable sadness hits harder and her dialogue makes a lot more sense. When neve comes into the recovery room to talk to you the first time (i think it's whoever was injured?), she doesn't even look at varric and talks over him a teeny bit too. It's really subtle, they did a good job of laying clues you wouldn't catch unless you knew (at least for me, idk maybe yall were onto them sooner lol)
#dragon age#the veilguard#rook#warrior rook#mourn watch#veilguard spoilers#fen plays datv AGAIN#fen plays datv#veilguard#datv spoilers#spoilers#dragon age spoilers#dragon age the veilguard#dragon age the veilguard spoilers#q#second play through thoughts
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Have another snippet of my writing that I like. This one prob requires a bit of set up so,
This is a modern au. Jaster raises 10 of Jango's kids in his absence, before Cody runs away at 16. Years later, Jango is murdered and it turns out that he's been living in the same city as Cody all along, and so have Wolffe and Fox, each living completely different lives.
Excerpt from: the Last Days of Jango Fett
Cody’s gaze sweeps over the exterior of the gym and he wonders if he's making a mistake. He spent a lot of his time, growing up, in gyms like this. The faded lettering of the sign declares the gym’s official name to be ‘Koon’s training gym’ but scrawled over that, in grey lettering, is its true name ‘Plo’s bro’s’ he bites his cheek, wondering at the identity of Plo. If he’ll find him inside, or if the sign serves as only a fond memorial. He crosses the threshold and he may as well have stepped back in time.
He can hear a familiar voice, barking orders, corrections. But his gaze skips straight over the set of strong shoulders, the back of a head so much like his own, and instead he only has eyes for the ring, because inside, there is a boy who for all appearances could be Cody’s own; who could even be Cody himself, had you a loose grip on temporal structure.
Boba is good, better than a boy of his age should be, clearly Jango’s been training him. He still wouldn’t have stood a minute in the ring with Cody at the same age, not that that’s any fair comparison; Cody could have beaten them all. They said he was born with a golden ticket in his mouth. A right hook to end all right hooks and with it, a way out. For them all.
Cody had spent all his teen years training in a gym like this, just down the road from Jaster’s, born ability or not, he wasn’t given an easy ride. Jaster’s old buddies rallied together for one last go and they gave it their all. Within the walls of that gym, they lived again, they gave it all they had to train Cody like it were 30 years previous and they still had a chance in hell of winning. For a moment, it seemed like they would.
Cody in the ring had been a sight to behold. He and he only, could retrieve their last chance, lost to anyone else because no-one knew where it fell. But Cody and Cody only, he would rise to the top and he would reach and he would hold it in his hands. Glory. Lost and abandoned, left to gather dust from the day it had fallen from Jango’s hands. Theirs, once again. Cody could have saved them all.
But. Cody couldn’t be that for them. He had the talent, sure. He had the drive to make it to the top, for certain. More than all of that, he had that magic, that thing you can’t quite put a word to, that made him a sight to behold in the ring. Like pure gold. But there was one thing Cody didn’t have, the wherewithal to be his Fathers keeper. Cody did not have it in him, to live his life for a man that did not want him. Glory in the ring; that was Jango’s dream, not his.
Born on a cool November, against the odds, Cody entered the world a healthy 9'5 with a healthy set of lungs to match. Jango did not know of this, Jango was not there.
Cody, healthy and round, had been placed in to the arms of a woman who had looked down upon her son and immediately known that she could never, quite, be what he needed and so she hadn’t tried to be.
Once when he was young, Cody had overheard Jaster speak of her. Only the once and not of the woman herself but of her, as Jaster put it, ‘sentimental bullshit’. Jaster was a strong believer in facing up to your problems and the woman who had given birth to Cody, did quite the opposite.
That woman had looked in to her babies eyes, and had delivered that baby, quite promptly, to Jaster’s doorstep. An undetermined amount of time later, Jaster had answered the door to find two bottles of milk and Cody, laying on the doormat.
Cody had been left quite alone, with nothing but a blanket, and a note; explaining that his mother, having looked in to her son’s eyes’, had immediately known that she could never contain quite the amount of love that her son would need and was therefore, leaving him to his Father, a man she was sure was more than capable. Jaster, who at this point was already responsible for two of Jango’s progeny, suspected otherwise; as he had told the milkman that day after he had kindly knocked and asked if Jaster was quite aware there was a baby sleeping on his doorstep.
That day, standing there speaking to Jaster as a baby laid between them, the milkman, in a moment of startling honesty, had looked down to the babe and told Jaster that upon the birth of his first son, he had worried that he wouldn’t be suited to fatherhood, but had since realised that all the little ones really needed; was loving. Jaster, not having slept through the night in about 2 years by that point, had bluntly retorted that love would not feed yet another mouth and so, he would be needing another bottle of milk, before sweeping down to gather the child to his chest, the note laying unneeded on the doorstep.
Cody had heard Jaster reason, through that crack in the kitchen door, that the last thing any child needed was a bit of paper telling them their parent didn’t have it in them to love them enough. Jaster had known, from that first glance at Cody, as all parents do, that upon finding that Cody needed more love, he might only ever meet such a thing with carving out just a bit more space in his heart or wherever else love is kept, to hold it.
To Jaster, parenthood was not about biology, it was simply about being needed and being the kind of person, that would change themselves however necessary, to meet that need.
That day in the kitchen, Jaster’s friend had shortly weighed him up to be a ‘soft fool’ who ‘only had it coming’ ‘what with all these doorstep babies’, but Jaster hadn’t seemed to mind. In the following years, Cody had rarely heard him talk like that again, but the sentiment lived on with him all the same, carried with him until he was old enough to understand what such a thing really meant.
Not that Jango ever stopped by to see it for himself, but everyone who met Cody declared him to be the spit of him. Cody was Jango’s second coming for sure, it didn’t matter that Jango was still walking the earth. Everyone who saw Cody in the ring was sure that he’d been delivered upon them to finish what Jango could not.
Cody often worried, that he wouldn’t quite weigh up in the eyes of Jaster, who had afterall, known Jango the best. Cody rather worried, that he instead, might take after his maternal side. The type to run from problems rather than face them. Because of this fear, Cody spent his whole life rising to each and every problem until one day, he did quite the opposite.
In the early hours of the day Cody’s big match was to be held; the one that was sure to shoot him right to the top, so high that his eyebrows would brush the stars and the rest of them, they’d all be able to fall on clouds; the big match that wasn’t just Cody’s ticket to a kinder life but everyone’s, his showstopper, Cody had found himself with a bag over his shoulder walking the track out of town.
When he reached the end of that track, where the old road met the big one, he’d found Jaster sat waiting for him.
Jaster had offered Cody a small smile and, told him he was beginning to worry that he wouldn’t come. Then, he had met his eyes and wished him luck. Jaster had said that he was proud of Cody, for having reached the same conclusion that Jaster himself had; Jaster knew that Cody was not put on this earth to right Jango’s wrongs, Cody was here, only to be Cody , and besides, he never had to worry about turning out to be the kind of person that Jaster might not like, because the thing about raising someone, is you keep loving them no matter who they might turn out to be.
Later that day, as one by one the fields passed him by, Cody had looked out the window of the coach and known with a surety that sometimes, the only way you can face your problems, is by leaving.
That day, Cody left the memory of Jango Fett behind, in search of a life where there was a bit of room to be Cody Mereel, and he had never once looked back.
Cody had left the memory of Jango behind, in the pursuit of himself, but now, here was Boba.
Boba had not left Jango behind as he hadn’t been given time to, Jango was only a ghost in Cody’s childhood but he was something more real to Boba. That is at least, until one day, when he was just gone.
For the first time, Cody looks behind himself and there, following, as he always has been, is the boy he left behind. Cody had to leave that boy in order to become the man he is today. he doesn’t regret it, he likes who he is, who he allowed himself to become, by leaving. But now he can see that in order to help Boba, he needs to be both the man who’s risen above the ghost of his father and also, the boy who could never quite live up to the memories his father left behind.
For the first time in his adult life, Cody remembers what it was to be the son of Jango Fett and then, against better reason, he holds on tight to that memory. When he looks back over his shoulder once again, there isn’t anyone there. That boy is looking forward as Cody looks forward and when he takes his next step, they take it as one. Cody is whole and he is his self, he is as he always has been, wholly and completely.
In the gym that is in every way, both the same and nothing like those of his childhood, Cody takes another step and then another, until his toes are almost touching the side of the ring.
Boba sees him first, just a glance and then, Cody sees the moment that his face registers. Boba just stops in space, he blinks wide eyes at the sight of him before tilting his head, letting those same eyes trace over Cody.
Now that he’s seen Jango Fett, Cody knows precisely why he might garner such a reaction, Cody didn’t have a dad so he has no idea what it is like to lose one. He can’t quite imagine what this must be like for Boba, it’s just you and your dad and then, he is murdered. Your dad dies and you are 10, and then, almost identical men start spilling out of the cracks of the city.
Boba has been distracted for long enough now that Wolffe has given up on trying to call his attention back, he turns to see what has the boy’s attention caught and soon comes up short himself.
Cody looks up at his big brother for the first time in 20 years and swallows.
“Hi Wolffe.” He says quietly.
Wolffe is frozen, even more so than Boba, not even his eyes move and now Cody looks at him, he isn’t sure if they can. One side of his brothers face is heavily scarred, like something long ago scraped across the surface, even from here Cody can see that the eye on that side is clouded.
His brother takes in a loud breath, “Cody?”
And then before Cody can even think to answer, Wolffe is moving, rolling out of the ring until he can engulf Cody in his arms.
Cody is the same size as Wolffe now but somehow it doesn’t feel like it, he feels dwarfed, finally back in his brothers arms and why did Cody ever think he could live without this? Wolffe’s arm is cradling his head and the other is bracing Cody’s back and he can feel his head tucked against Cody’s own and Cody has been alone for 20 years and he didn’t have to be, he knows this now, as well as he knows anything.
Cody doesn’t know what he expected. He doesn’t know what he expected from any of this. The past week has been a storm. An uncontrollable thing that you can only watch happen.
Had he thought maybe that upon seeing him, Wolffe might hit him?
Maybe that he would berate him for leaving?
Cody didn’t know who the adult his brother had grown in to really was. Maybe he had expected him to be cold, distant in the face of the brother that left them all? Cody had showed them all that it was possible to leave, that such a thing wasn’t only the purview of Jango and from what Rex had said that had left their family fractured. It had never been the same again after Cody left and showed everyone that they could leave. One by one, they had each followed him in to the unknown, lost to each other thanks to him.
Had he thought any of that, he would have been wrong. The man holding him isn’t any of that, he is just Wolffe, he is just Cody’s brother.
They are together, once again.
#Commander Cody#Jaster mereel#commander wolffe#modern au#star wars fic#fanfic#mywriting ntwyw#the rest of the fic is OK i guess but i don't like it nearly as much as i like this one part#there's one other part i really like of it so maybe I'll post a bit of that here#but as a whole I'm a bit conflicted. it's a police au and while i really like reading completely removed from reality police au's#writing them is kinda difficult cause i didn't want to create like copaganda.the parts of police au's that are fun are all the bad policing#but when i was writing about bad policing i felt like i needed to keep adding disclaimers like: if a irl police officer does any of this#its not OK. one of my fav ways to write about characters is to explore the inadvertent hurt humans can cause each other#they aren't bad people but that doesn't mean they cant do bad things without meaning to. anyway turns out that's hard when ur#writing a police au. cause as characters i want them to be sympathetic but i feel all kind of ways about writing a#bad police officer that's sympathetic. i felt like i needed to be like. as a human they are sympathetic. as a police officer?#none of these ppl should be doing this job#ended up being a lot harder than i thought#was also difficult writing a whodunnit that wasnt actually about the murder.#the case is closed but its like. thats not what the stories about#so yeah ended up being more difficult to write than i was expecting#my writing ntwyw
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i never ever cry in front of anyone ever but there was this boy i was OBSESSED with in primary school when i was like seven years old because he was the fastest boy in the class and he had cool spiky hair and i always thought it was a crush until i came out and realised it was gender envy of some form and today my friend out of the blue told me that i look like him and we looked at his instagram together and i actually do. i look almost exactly like him. and i cried like an absolute wanker because i’ve been so miserable my whole life being perceived entirely the wrong way and i went home today and looked at myself and realised i look like the boy i always wanted to be when i was a kid. and whenever i feel bad about myself i get to remind myself that i look like him so i shouldn’t feel bad because back then i couldn’t have ever dreamed of getting to look like this. and t will only make it better and even though the idea of starting it is still so scary to me i keep having moments like this that make me realise how good it’s going to be even if some of it will suck. i always focus on all of the ways my transition has gone and will go wrong and i forget that it’s going to go right in a lot of ways too
#i remember what this boy looked like when he started getting spots and what he sounded like when his voice started breaking#and it makes me so excited even for the parts of t that everyone says are ‘bad’#my identity is so much more binary than i tell myself it is. i play it down because being a fully binary Guy who wants to be purely masc is#a lot harder to break to my mother who is devastated even at the thought of me being a masculine woman#i’ve been pretending for a while that i’m more ‘in the middle’ than i really am because of that#but moments like this always remind me that i know exactly what i want to be and what i want to look like#and it’s the exact opposite of everything my mother wants me to be#this shit is going to be Hard. and i don’t expect my mother will stick around the further into my transition i get#which is so unbearable to me that i try not to think about it. i just can’t go back into the closet even for her#i was trying to force myself to do that before xmas and that’s what made me attempt and end up coming out to her#but i didn’t tell the full truth i just said i hate being feminine and i hate being a girl#i couldn’t bring myself to say the rest and i don’t know if i’ll ever say any of it to her#i wish i had a therapist so i could talk about all this as i’m working through the beginning of transition but. oh well
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ANGELA/SERA FROM THE MARVEL SNAP HERO ANIMATIC
#eep babies first gif#definitely... could be better#i ended up having a lot of issues doing it the way i wanted to in my head and so. had to work around it the only ways i could figure#and also making tumblrs size & dimension limits was. harder than i thought! kinda. compressed to hell#idk. i think i can do better but this is what i ended up with#also i know this has been giffed already but i thought messing w animation was a bit easier than irl images#low stakes also bc none of my friends care about this either#nyxtalks#angela#angela odinsdottir#sera#sera of heven#serangela#angelsera#angela x sera#marvel#marvel snap#gif#one of the things i was having issues was was framerate? like i could not get it to cooperate at all#i couldnt figure how to make it faster as i saved it and then when i tried to edit it in post speeding it up even 1% made it way too fast?#but it was stuttery without change. so im gonna have to mess around more with that#idk! still much to mess with#will be a long time before the GB edit happens at this rate lol#i think maybe im somewhat getting the hang of the bare basics though#if you read this far friends i love uuuuuu#i assume only my dear mutuals would actually read the tags#sorry for there being so many. i had commentary
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a great way to combat genAI in the future would be educating kids (and teens and college students and all ppl) on art way more.
#i had art classes growing up but i know a lot of ppl didn't and even less kids get art classes nowadays#we need all kinds of art classes too! music and history and painting and woodshop and drawing and life drawing#i think art history is especially important bc it connects us to our past and shows why art is so important#and all kinds of art classes help kids develop different important skills#like fine motor skills and critical thinking and making choices and noticing details and how to really SEE things rather than just looking#and a lot of art skills like woodworking and ceramics and sewing are all very practical basic adult skills that we should all get to learn#there's reasons arts and crafts and other skill based electives are the first to go and its not just bc they're undervalued#its cause a population that feels capable and confident and skilled and knows how to think critically#is harder to make work shitty jobs for shitty pay#harder to control!#same reason they're banning so many books and trying to make education worse#damn maybe i should learn how to teach better#im already planning to at least try doing a workshop for adults but maybe if i end up liking that#i could work towards being able to teach kids#i feel like teaching kids would be harder cause idk what concepts they do or dont know at whatever age they are#id have to do research and maybe talk to someone who has experience teaching art to kids#but even a simple art class would be beneficial i think#like going outside to draw things in nature maybe#or portrait drawing#or a class on how to make comics or animate on paper to impress their friends lol#i would've loved that!#id have to do that with the help of another teacher maybe#idk#vague future plans#anyway the reason education would help combat ai is cause ppl would learn abt what goes onto making art#all the choices and skills and thought#and they'd be able to more easily see the difference btwn real art and ai images and understand why making art is important
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im new here- is dean abusive?
imo yeah. smarter people than me have written dissections of the way he treats sam & others (he’s also Awful to his psuedo-son jack, but i haven’t gotten to that season yet), i’ve probably reblogged a bunch of them.
he certainly doesn’t mean to be & i don’t say it to condemn him as a person or as a character & i’m still very attached to him & he loves sam very much (not that that makes a difference in whether u abuse someone or not) - but the way he treats sam a lot/some of the time is emotionally abusive and sam is clearly badly impacted. s4 and s8 come to mind as his worst moments also ofc moc era - after that there’s less interpersonal conflict (up to where i am at least) but that’s because sam mostly stops disagreeing with dean not because dean actually gets much better <3 spn is cycles of abuse show after all. family is hell. dean’s learnt pretty much everything about how to behave from his abusive father and as a result. well. cycle continues
#anon i wonder which way ur approaching this from - having not considered that dean treats sam badly or having never thought of it as Abusiv#mutuals pls feel free to chime in with ur opinions#wrote a bunch of more detailed responses to this but none of them felt right so i was just like. eh#narrative portrays dean as right like All Of The Time bc the shows morality is deans morality its fucked up so that makes it harder for#fandom to see how awful he is sometimes#but i think a lot of people see his awful behaviour but just wouldn’t call it abusive and rather toxic etc because abusive#is such a ‘strong word’ and people have a lot of personal connotations with it#i don’t often even actually use the word abusive to describe him. but he is! and i’ve been watching s4 and he’s just So awful and it’s been#reminding me hugely#dean crit#<- i guess#spn#oliver talks#asks#it’s more than just like. being awful sometimes. bc it’s this systemic pattern of eradicating sam’s sense of identity outside of him#and punishing sam for ‘disobeying’ him (like s4/8)#dean winchester#supernatural#Also when you start recognising dean as abusive the show becomes a legitimate horror story because fucking hell!!!!#narrative just. sides with him most of the time!!!!#if u wanna think abt it for urself id say make sure u know what abuse actually Is and how it can present & then look at a lot of sam and#dean conflicts. do they seem equal? r both parties being as awful to each other? whats the context?#look away from the view the show is trying to get you to take via like. ending shots and closeups. and look at what theyre actually saying#to each other and what has actually happened#<- i feel like this sounds patronising i dont mean to be😭#if u already think sam&dean r fucked up and had just never defined it as abusive before then feel free to ignore me#there r probably posts in my dean winchester tag much better than this#<- okay apparently i had a lot to say actually. sorry for doing it in the tags
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Boy King Seb :D
#thank you to Grace for the idea of making his chivarly collar red bull instead <33333#he was gonna have both collars but then making that one made me suffer so no not today#this was a lot of fun but also made me suffer. but i keep looking at it and being like AAAHHHHH BABY!!! BABY BOY!!!!!!!#can you believe i tried to do this in one night? i cant#i stopped and came back to it and was like 'no way you could do this in one sitting at 1 am'#this is kinda the ascended form of that very first sketch i made for this au! concentrated boy king sebby!!!#i say to myself i need to take a break from drawing complicated things but youll prob see a nando version of this in less than a week ;;;#okay about the drawing(i wrote good tags and then tumblr deleted them so these are a bit inferior AGH):#this is typical pouty seb but is also referenced off a specific pic from AD 2009(beloved)#its very important to me how emotionally open Seb is. im not sure the specific context of this. maybe after a triumph?#but instead of being that typical stoic serious detached kind of ruler; i like him being openly emotional(think AD 2010)#its important as well for his dichotomy with nando and how they choose to portray themselves#seb is very assured in himself and his rule vs. nando who is more insecure and bitter about his#so nando takes strides to portray himself in that more stoic calculating way bcs he feels like it helps him legitimize himself better#whereas seb has absolutely no care for outward public image and shows how he feels and is loved for it(nando hates it but loves it)#not that nando cant be fun and whimsical!! but to me he always seems a bit more mysterious; like i can never tell his true thoughts tbh#anyways i feel like ill finish 10 more drawings before i end up posting the lore pt 2 LMAO#its just a lot harder to organize and layout compared to part 1 which was just an explanation#pt2 would be a mix of more world building/characterization/anecdotes ive talked about with mutuals(LOVE YOU GUYS!!!)#i have a *lot* of ideas (gotta whip out my notes app every once in a while to write down stuff abt it) just hard to put into a coherent pos#sebastian vettel#f1#formula 1#f1 art#formula 1 art#f1 fanart#formula 1 fanart#catie.art.#*ill prob make a process post later if anyone is curious!! its fun to write abt my process and influences and such#boy king au
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Top 5 favourite Vernon eras?
ask me my top five anything !
( @ikigaisvt asked me the same thing [ wondering about your top five vernon era 🤲-sammy <3 ] whehjgrghsdjg i love u guys. i am smushing these together just so i don't post the same thing twice <33 ) ( all of this is retroactive becauseee fml was my first svt cb so i wasn't around for any of these but i have consumed an ungodly amount of content so i can reasonably confidently make this decision )
FEAR.
home;run
don't wanna cry (look. blond vernon can just be so deeply personal, okay)
black eye
hot
#💌 - mailbox.#💌 - ask games.#❤️🔥 - moots.#hi rj<3#hi sammy<3#THIS WAS ACTUALLY WAY HARDER THAN I THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BE.#ready to love era vernon is sooooo up there with all these. so is rock with you. if i could've said all of the eras. i would've.#fuck#whehgfdgf i am so very in love with him#nobody asked by dwc is especially personal bc i watched their killing voice VERY early on into listening to their music#i mean literally within the first like. week. lmao because i wanted to get a feel for their title tracks and bigger songs ig. but anyway#atp i had just barely gotten their names straight and i did not even nearly have their voices figured out yet.#so when they started dwc and i realised it was vernon singing that first part?? OOF. y'all i fucking WHIMPERED. OUT LOUD.#(ok so basically my bestie who is also a dolly introduced me to svt JUST as the black eye promos were dropping)#(and bc of that like. i knew vernon existed. i thought he was cute as hell and i knew he was a rapper and that he had a song coming out)#(but i didn't really know a lot about him beyond that? i was told he was in the hiphop team and thought 'neat. sounds like my type of guy')#so KV was the first time i was like oh FUCK this guy??? can SING???????? like S I N G?????? it felt like being hit with a slab of concrete#so then i ended up watching the mv eight thousand times and all of the live performances and descended into madness very very quickly#aaaaaaand there's a bunch of messily presented context for anyone who was interested lmao thank u for listening BYE<3
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finished the chapter three rewrite 💪
#this rewrite was surprisingly easy? like. I thought it’d be a lot harder than it ended up being#maybe I’m just saying that because I had fun writing it though
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I love the m2 references in m3 a whole lot but the lack of almost any specific m1 rep slays me
#theres Berry tofu and TECHINICALLY eight Melodies. that’s it. and the melodies aren’t even specific to m1 so who gaf#tbf I Love earthbound gameplay and story wise more. and it’ll always hold a special place in my heart bc it was the first mther I played#BUT. I did like the last couple hours of m1 a lot#also The George Maria & gigyas stuff went so hard it was good ok#ALSO TEDDY.#Idk why but I couldn’t attach myself to most of the mother 2 cast#only like ness and that’s it#teddy however. teddy is my goat#mother#mother 2#earthbound#mother 3#im the only mother 1 fan and I don’t even like 70% of it#nor is it even my favorite mother game. or my second favorite#I DID LIKW IT THOUGH#beggining is Rough. middle is fine. end is peak ((except for the area not tested who the fuck came up with that))#the best way to play m1 is with rewind features I’m being so fr#also anyone who played without the run button. you are stronger than the troops#in General I dont think ppl like m1 like at all.#Theres like 5 pieces of merch for it on the hobonichi store and 3 of them are buttons.#Theres also the towels but that barely counts#it sucks that I like the m1 team more but like. i want to see the m2 team do more !!!!!#i thought poo (metaphorically? spiritually?) giving up his arms went hard#I loved Paula’s hopefulness. i Love Jeff having a lot of self confiecene issues and his bf and the fact his dad kinda sucked#NAD I LOVE NESSSSSSS I LOVE NESS SO MUCH#but the m1 cast is given so much more flavor text it makes me kinda mad#ninten liking penguins and loving baseball. Ana refusing to dissect a frog. Lloyd being autistic af and THE EVERYTHING AROUND TEDDY???#Peak. absolutely Peak#genuinely if the gameplay was on par with m2 I think i would’ve enjoyed it more than m2 im being so foreal#also i Love magiciant in m2 but the calm version from m1 goes SO much harder and that’s also why it’s the one represented in smash dont@me
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Many months of paper review (Patreon)
#Doodles#For the record this is all on the same page lol#Basically a full year of going ''Oh this paper's so nice I wish I could use it'' lol#Unfortunately there was a pretty serious batch error that I didn't notice when I first picked it up :(#It's from my favourite brand so I was like ''Oh it'll be fine! I know I like this paper already!''#Always - check. Always check!#The lines were printed wobbly and askew (so not perpendicular) and there was a crease down the right side of most pages#It's still an absolute treat to work with but editing is a lot more difficult with those errors#So I thought I was just going to have to scrap more than half of a notebook! D:#(Since I'd already drawn on a few pages up to those batch errors)#But then came the Scratch Pages idea to save the day! Lol#I have gotten a lot of utility out of this notebook after all! I'm not as gentle or careful with it as my current-main notebook#I can be a little rougher and keep the guidelines or not colour since it's all intended to be cleaned up later anyhow :)#Although all the scratch comics are up on my Patreon currently lol - I got a lot of mileage out of the concept >:3c#Plus a few of them have ended up here after all lol - most things with lines lately have been from this notebook#I'm definitely going to be using this method going into the future too! In fact I have the next two notebooks picked out for testing :D#Since this one is only one page out from being completely finished ah :'D It's always bittersweet to put a notebook to rest <3#I also like how you can watch my hair grow in real time lol#And my style change in small increments :D#It's always harder to tell with my chibis but it's there!
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.
#Been having some birthday thoughts#because if I'm left to my own devices I end up self-reflecting and navel gazing#and of course sometimes this is not a good thing but whatever I guess it's just a tradition now#I don't want this to sound like the cliché 'I'm not getting any younger'/'I'm an old man now' shit but like. I have to admit#I do have the feeling that I'm running out of time to be acting like I have been. Kinda lackadaisical like I acted in my 20s.#I do have the feeling that I need to shape up and start learning how to human adult. It's just that.#It feels like so much of it is out of my hands. I try my hardest and everything still seems to end up being harder than it maybe needs to b#I know what I need. I need a better paying job. car insurance. health insurance. a local number. a regular schedule. real days off#but those things (esp. looking for a new job) cost money time and energy I don't have right now#And what I want and what I need are at odds. I want to be able to wear a kilt to work and buy hockey cards and kiss I mean see my coworker#But maybe I need to grow the fuck up and realise that the things I want aren't more important that my physical/mental well being#Maybe I need to grow the fuck up and prioritise my needs over such childish wants#Unfortunately satisfying some of those wants are the only thing other than going to the lake that are bringing me joy right now.#I've got a lot to think about right now. And I have some difficult decisions coming up ahead#But for tonight I will celebrate my birthday and eat seafood and watch star trek and not think about tomorrow
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look i love making sae be the one who's so in love and showering hajun with so much love and affection but it's much more fun to think that HE fell harder than her
#it's the she fell first he fell harder thing. gooodd hjs have such common dynamic the frustrating and infuriating type#like look at first she have a crush on him right but as a model. that girl is literally a moth she gets attracted by those with light#though at first she admires him as a model and knew him through toma- her kamioshi. though i think... she just starts admiring him a lot?#she literally went through a 'highschool crush' phase but late since she was like. at college 😭#observed him... wow he's a lot similar to her than she thought. that guy puts up a smile in front of strangers and keep people at a distanc#he looked... strangely alone. why? even though he have friends too. she saw herself in hajun and... didnt want to be like him#will she keep putting up a face too? will she keep lying to herself? and would that make her alone in the end as well? she didnt want that.#so shes like yknow what? let's be shameless. her friends had been so loving of her unconditionally.#she thought that they'll leave after highschool and yet... and yet they stayed. they keep approaching her.#and come to think of it... they're always the ones giving effort for her right? when it comes to planning for hang outs-#they're always the one to reach out. never her. shouldnt she return the favor then? love them as much as they love her#pour all her heart out. she used to do it- she can do it again. love people unconditionally without expecting anything from them.#surely this time it'd be different. surely it wont drain her. even if there's a chance they'll leave her- it doesnt matter now.#she knows she gave her everything and that's enough for her. maybe she'll feel better if she had realized this when she was a child...#but that's okay now! so for now! lesson learned: dont be hajun#but also sae. just have a different view of hajun in her head 😭??? like she admits she didnt really know hajun before but actually meeting#him must be so complicated for her lol like this guy used to be her crush! and she got to talk to him but holy shit he's lowkey an asshole😭#not even lowkey but he really is a bitch lmfaaooo so like. damn 'i forgot i used to have a crush on this guy like i used to like him???'#'in what way??? (his looks dont even deny it sweetie)' i think her crush on him in the past made her more snappy towards him now lmfao#like 'gooooddd i used to have a crush on THIS GUY??? that's making me piiisseedd' LMAAAOOO 😭😭#i genuinely have NOOOOO idea how they started having this dynamic but it's just. them lowkey insulting each other? not really INSULT insult#but rather bickering masked by politeness? like 💢^^) (^^💢 selfish ohime-sama vs black hearted prince#but the one who's usually losing here would be sae ngl and hajun's mostly the one being playful tho tbf they CAN calmly talk to each other#sometimes they just become competitive? sae herself is a competitive one at first it would be 'oho~ let's see how long he can keep this up~#to 'give up already!!!! my social battery isn't gonna last long!!!!!!!!' and hajun's just watching her lose it every time 😭😭#ah.... my absolutely pathetic daughter im so sorry..... when it comes to him she gets unreasonably annoyed. just who does he think he is?#and yet she can't even feel arrogant around him. she knows bae are on a different league than her. that's why despite being very friendly a#expressing her admiration towards them she still puts up a barrier around them? it's not that deep she have her own close friends#yumeshipping — hajusae [prri]
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