#if u wanna think abt it for urself id say make sure u know what abuse actually Is and how it can present & then look at a lot of sam and

[sammygender]

im new here- is dean abusive?

imo yeah. smarter people than me have written dissections of the way he treats sam & others (he’s also Awful to his psuedo-son jack, but i haven’t gotten to that season yet), i’ve probably reblogged a bunch of them.

he certainly doesn’t mean to be & i don’t say it to condemn him as a person or as a character & i’m still very attached to him & he loves sam very much (not that that makes a difference in whether u abuse someone or not) - but the way he treats sam a lot/some of the time is emotionally abusive and sam is clearly badly impacted. s4 and s8 come to mind as his worst moments also ofc moc era - after that there’s less interpersonal conflict (up to where i am at least) but that’s because sam mostly stops disagreeing with dean not because dean actually gets much better <3 spn is cycles of abuse show after all. family is hell. dean’s learnt pretty much everything about how to behave from his abusive father and as a result. well. cycle continues

[spookyserenades]

I’VE NEVER WANTED TO PUNCH SOMEONE IN THE SKULL MORE-

but I wanna punch u in like a loving way ya know 🥹🥺🙈🙊🙉😭

i-

ok i didnt have time to talk abt last chapter, but honestly all u have to know is that i loved every single word, every punctuation mark, every period, every space-

omg this chapter was wild i cant-

yoongi and y/n, I’ve never met a couple whose good and bad at communication at the same time i cant- no cause like him writing a song for her bc of her, when he played it i imaged Butterfly for some reason, the melody is so beautiful on the piano 🥺🥹 omg not him with his shirt off at the b-ball court. He rlly flexing huh, yeah sure ur too HOT 🥵 omg she got a vision, LIKE HER MOM! Will this be a reoccurring theme with her? Oooo. OMG THAT FIRST KISS WAS SO SWEET WHEN IT SORT OF CAME FULL CIRCLE WITH YOONGI ASKING HER TO KISS HIM! AND THEN HIM ASKING FOR MORE OMG ITS SO HOT WTF I KNOW I SHOULDNT BE THIS HORNY YET BUT UR WRITING IS JUST 🤌🏼 💋 THEY ARE IN LOOOOVE FR LIKE WE KNEW THEY BOTH HEAD OVER HEELS, SO HEAD OVER HEELS THEY COULDNT GET SLEEP FOR WEEKS/DAYS~ OH MAN SECRET RELATIONSHIP YEAH WELL-

omg wtf yeah secret relationship went down the drain lol. Either hobi’s hearing is super good and he’s near the room or everyone heard y/n fucking whining into yoongis mouth dam. Or he saw that quick kiss in her room omg ur cliffhangers dana drive me INSANE! Hobi is such a tease too! Now him teasing her for her heart palpitations poor girl cant handle all the handsome men around her like same girlie pop-I do wonder how this will effect the hybrids dynamics with each other and her 🤔

omg jinnies b day he deserves the world. Not him feeding her, he KNEW what he was doing and in FRONT of everyone too 😏 him warming up her hands with his breath i cant- and then going to take cooking class in February. HIM SAYING HE DOESNT WANT TO GO WITH ANYONE ELSE BUT HERRRR 😭 him saying lets go home bc home is smth he never truly haddd and he feels safe mow eeek😭😭😭😭

Omg not tae driving the way home- KNOWING THE WAY HOOOME. No cause like you can tell they probably all know the way home by heart bc they cherish her and the house sm its means so much to them i cant i actually had to stop reading after that line bc i got so emotional. Omg tae is taking his photography seriously 🥰 im so glad hes really delving into his passion! Omg their ID’s lol they must be so cute and funny 😆

ofc jimin is a responsible cutie we love, cant wait to see more scenes with him later~ but him saying y/n looks good in any photo ✋ stop sir u are such a charmer i cant- eeeeeek

omg joonie so cute. He cares for her sm and he’s the type of person to not beat around the bush. He cares and wants her to be straightforward when shes upset 😭 eeeek

omg the scene with jk- i LOVE BANTER SM and their scenes always crack me up. Jk’s dialogue is so fun! No not her giving the puppy dog eyes 🥺 and it not working… or maybe it did 😏 omg and her being bold with that KISS ON THE CHEEK- i was imagining jk when he gets surprised or zones out 😲 its so funny 😂 omg y/n has W Rizz for sure~

omg ben already predicted this my mans was just waiting for her to catch up- its so good to see him again I love y/n’s friends. Him lifting her up but also humoring her is SO what i would do if my friend was in a similar situation! Like Y/N GIRLIE POP I ARE THE IT GIRL U GOT NOTHIN TO WORRY ABT!

THANK YOU SM FOR THIS UPDATE I LOVE U SM DANA!!!!! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!! Remember, make sure to take care of urself first and foremost! 😤 Love you byeeee~

FDJSKAFHDSAF I GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO PUNCH MY SKULL LMAO!! I'm so so happy that you loved the last two chapters, there was SO much that went down, I can't wait to chat about them hehehe 💜

SO fhdjsaf you're right on the money with Yoongi and MC not knowing how to communicate with each other for SHIT. Like I think they rely on telepathy or vibes too much, neither of them are mind readers... so much of their conflict these past two chapters could have been resolved if they just sat down and talked calmly about things for an hour or so!!! 💀BUT stop it right now Butterfly is one of my favorite BTS songs, so so gorgeous on the piano, and I could imagine a very similar melody that Yoongi would write for MC being something like that too. 🦋

HNNNNGGGFF Yoongi all sweaty on the court without his shirt.... damp long hair....teasing MC the whole way UGH I just know that I'd be drooling! 🥵And with that vision WHEW I'm so happy I could incorporate that into MC's character finally, I will say that this is something that will begin to happen more frequently for MC-- ever since she has been diving more into her spirituality and practices, her psychic abilities have been getting stronger.

The kiss. THE KISS!!! I'VE BEEN DYING TO WRITE SOME ROMANCE FOREVER NOW MY GOODNESS IT TOOK 13 CHAPTERS!! I just feel like Yoongi is such a 0 to 100 kind of guy when it comes to kisses, sweet and tender to begin with, then BAM super passionate and intense. I really really loved writing that scene, I'd say that Yoongi was truly desperate and yearning for MC for so long that he couldn't help but beg for more hnnnnngggg. But now they have to tip toe around for a little bit until they figure out how to tell the others, which turns into MORE yearning and AH I wanna chew on my drywall!!!! 👹

djkafdakfdask I'm excited to continue off where we left off! You know I always gotta leave you all on a cliffhanger. I wonder how MC is going to dodge Hoseok's questioning, and we don't know if he heard those two making out (he shouldn't have been able to, the music room is soundproofed...) or was perceptive to how weird MC and Yoongi were being with each other. I also feel like if Hoseok heard them, some of the others would as well, and I can think of a few (Namjoon, Tae, Seokjin for ex.) that would probably bust down that door!!! But also your theory of Hoseok possibly catching their kiss in the hallway is something that could have happened eeeee. Also I love teasing Hoseok as well he raises my blood pressure... poor MC can't even hide her heartrate from them!

UGH Jinnie's birthday he's such a sweet darling, I love that he was able to go out somewhere yummy to eat and spend time with everyone. I also really love when he feeds MC... it's so hot to me idk why like yes PLS grab my face and stare at me and treat me like a princess Jin!!! Always making sure she's warm, wanting to go to the cooking class with just her, and feeling truly at home with her and in their house I CAN'T He's just such a love. 😍

Tae baby... just like Jin, he knows where home is now and AH they're just all getting so close. You're so right, they really cherish her so so much. Tae and his photography too is so fun to write about, it's nice that he gets to express himself creatively and the other hybrids let him take their ID pictures was a sweet hidden moment that I'm happy you noticed!

Definitely more Jimin on the way!! It's been the Yoongi show for a bit, but that's just how I've planned these few chapters. Don't worry, each of them will get their turns to be the stars, which I'm super excited about in the future! Charmer Libra Jimin is my Roman Empire, totally more of a flirt and a romantic as time goes on. Joon UGH!! My little wolf, he's warmed up so much to MC, and he's very straightforward and stern like you said-- ever since the Incident, he seems to be very concerned about weather or not MC is feeling upset.

HA I love writing MC and Jeongguk's interactions, they're both such little shits and you can tell when they get on each other's nerves, but it's less antagonistic these days and more playful. He totally called her out for pouting, and while it might work for some of the others, it doesn't on him LOL. But she got him back with that kiss, huh? I bet she's been dying to do that for months...

I'm PSYCHED you mentioned Ben. He's my favorite side character to write, and it's nice that MC is able to confide in him about any of her worries. You're right, he totally caught onto her having crushes on all of them (it's probably dead obvious to him) But ahh it makes me so happy that you love him as well!! I agree, I'd probably act the same way towards MC if I were Ben-- teasing her but trying to encourage as well. 🫣

FDJAKSFH THANK YOU FOR READING AND SENDING ME SO MANY LOVELY COMMENTS!!! As always I look forward to what you have to say about updates, and I love you sm as well! Hope you had lovely holidays and a fun new year my sweets! 😘💜

[codes]

hello matthew!! :D this ask isnt related to the little game u made unfortunately but id like to ask for some advice from someone who probably has to read a lot for school!!

i finished reading a classic of literature recently, jane austens persuasion. having repeated myself many times today, it was a very good thought provoking book. except that i didnt really realise that until i read the introduction of the book where they discuss her techniques and how she handles the themes!! argh.. in fact while i was readin the whole thing i didnt even really know what to feel! i knew about the instances of titular persuasion but i wasnt even really sure what they were saying with nuance...

since im so troubled by my lack of sensitivity and find no help elsewhere on the interwebs, as someone who i find can parse the complex muddled text of enstars with clarity, what should i do to become a more sensitive reader! or rather how do u read matthew?

hi lab! im a lil honored that u hold me in such high regard bc honestly, i dont always feel that my literary analysis skills are up to par! though i think thats an opinion shared by many but i often end up in the same position as you and even my professors say the same thing where they have to reread books before they start to really delve into analysis. its p normal, honestly. a lot of themes in literature are largely opinionated so some people pick up patterns faster than others and sometimes two readings can conflict with one another. it happens! one reading may be more clearly supported by evidence within the text but analyzing literature usually takes a lot of practice more than anything, but sometimes going back to the basics rlly helps and focusing on which critical theory may be applicable. could you maybe analyze the text through a character? perhaps the psychoanalytic theory may help! are gender roles present within the text? maybe looking at it through a feminist critical lens may give you a good ledge to start off. theres also formalism, post-colonialist, Marxist theory, eco-criticism, etc... the world is your oyster and having trouble with analyzing a text is normal! we're not all-knowing and sometimes it helps to look at what other people have to say will help you most of all.

also i asked my friend @cupidneos who is insanely smart for her advice since i bet that she would have something to say (also shes also a jane austen fan) and this is what she said:

i do wanna say that you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself since Persuasion is easily one of her hardest texts to really extend and make sense of so it’s no fault of your own … literature that uses free indirect discourse to hint towards our knowledge of character tends to be harder to understand bc of how limited that info can be! that being said, not being able to place our finger on something until it’s highlighted is completely okay! that’s what the introduction is there for; to help you out. there’s no set list of criteria to being a “more sensitive reader” since the phenomenon of reading itself is so mercurial. with practice i’m so certain that u will get a better sense of where to look for those literary themes. and don’t sell urself short in doing so either! if u find a passage important, pursue it!!! doesn’t matter what everyone else says abt it hehe

[mokutone]

@officialcountdooku replied to a post:

U can't say that in the tags and not make me wanna read ur thesis wtf 😭😭 I wanna know what my dog is saying to me???

ghdsgh i promise my thesis is not NEARLY as impressive as what you're imagining—it's about a dogs body language sure, but one specific and very fictional dog—it won't contain any cyphers for ur own

that said. special interest time goes under a readmore

if you spend any amount of time with your dog, especially just watching them and interacting with them (as most people do) then you probably understand your dog's communication fairly well? like, if you stand up, and then your dog starts to get excited and prances over to the door, you know that dog wants to go on a walk! if you're petting your dog, and then stop to message somebody on ur phone, and ur dog paws at you, know know that dog wants more petting! if your dog keeps running between you and the couch, or is sitting by the couch whining and using all of those evolutionary eyebrow muscles to give u the saddest eyes in the world u just KNOW there is something under that couch and that dog wants it so bad but lacks the thumbs and arm reach to grab it and get it out!

There are a LOT of really useful guides to understanding dog body language and getting better at communicating effectively back, or even just, using the information that the dog is giving u better, but i think all in all, most people understand their dogs fairly well?

the only area that i usually see people run into trouble is stuff where they have an assumption/expectation of the dog based on some idea of how dogs Should be acting—

for example, some dogs don't like petting that much! People who have these dogs, or encounter dogs like this, and try to pet the dog but find the dog keeps backing off, or, when that fails, starts growling at them, might think the dog is an asshole, or that the dog hates Them Specifically, but it could just be the dog just Doesn't Enjoy Petting! not everyones a cuddler

here's a video and description abt the idea of the consent test, something to use so that u actively ask and collect data abt whether or not ur dog enjoys being pet or not

if your dog pees inside or on something important of urs, they're not trying to spite u LMAO, this is the one that gets people the most bc thats something that's understandably really upsetting from a human perspective, but the relationship to the smell of urine is. wildly different for dogs then it is for humans, its not even always "marking ones territory" they can do it when they're excited, scared, when they just Rlly Gotta Go, for dogs the smells in the urine carry a lot of information too so it could also be seen depending on context as a dog saying "here! im not hiding anything! this is all my information!" or something similar.

another big misconception is that tiny dogs are vicious or evil shdghshghsg buddy if whenever i got upset somebody scooped me up and took away my bodily autonomy id be snarling at everything that moved too

but like, if you come at every dog honestly, trying to pay attention to the way theyre trying to communicate with you, or the way they react when you interact with them, you will understand what ur dog is saying really well

just like humans, body language is really individual specific. sure, we have overarching patterns of behavior (laughing when something is funny, crying when sad, smiling to be friendly) but we also have individuals who do not fit all the patterns (many people laugh in nervous situations, some people cry when happy, i forget to smile often, even when im in a good mood and with people i like)

i know of at least one dog who growls happily-when hes being pet he starts to rumble which scares people who don't know him, but for him that specific growl is more like a purr

if you really want to become like An Expert in ur specific dogs communication style, i would approach it like a field scientist. get urself a cheap little notebook and a pen, observe their behavior, and jot down notes, the more scientifically detached and observational, the better (because that makes it harder to bring in even Small Assumptions, which could hamper ur data collection)

but. i'll admit thats a huge pain in the ass. and can be a rlly unfun lense to view ur dog or ur relationship with ur dog thru if you dont like doing that kind of observational note jotting thing in the first place

really, i think if ur just spending a lot of time with ur dog, watching them and interacting with them, you will know ur dog better than anyone else

the blog i linked early is a spectacular resource i think for people trying to learn more about how to interact with and communicate w/ their specific dog as well

here's a follow up to the "consent/petting test" post about some dogs who like to be pet, some who dont, and some who have alternative preferences for touch (including a chihuahua who likes to be Gently, Gently Wiggled...) it also includes the very important reminder that ur dog might not like being touched at all, and if that's the case, that doesn't mean that your dog doesn't like u! some dogs just are Not cuddlers

here's a post about dog tail wagging, and how the dogs tail carriage doesnt necessarily tell you everything u need to know about how that dog is feeling and can, in some circumstances, even be misleading! it has a very good video too

heres a fantastic one about how "Smiling" dogs arent always happy

i will also mention that Stanely Coren has a excellent book on dog body language specifically called "How to Speak Dog" I don't like his writing tone personally but the content inside it is so compelling that i put up with it shdghsdgh it could also just be that the audible reader who read it put on extra condescending airs. a lot of nonfiction audiobook readers tend to do that, unfortunately

[matchamabs]

I know you didn’t ask for it but- BOTW MONSTERS: RANKED BY HOW HOT THEY ARE,,,,

i do fuck all in the days lemme tell ya

ill admit i havent done EVERY enemy but like. i do enjoy making these posts so who knows, i might actually rank everything sooner or later 🤷‍♀️

,,,,, and if u want a specific ranking of botw/aoc stuff lmk 👀

ahh the ol reliable. the classic bokoblin. he is just a little lad! unfortunately they’re genuinely kind of ugly??? and the idk the singular horn in the middle aint a good look. i see cute comics abt these guys being domestic and thats adorable but also giving them so much leeway bc they’re really Not that cute. not sure what the loincloth is hiding and im not sure i wanna know anyway. 3/10 really kind of. not good. 

slightly bigger loincloth only means slightly bigger things to hide :( i rlly hate these guys noses and whatever the fuck toenails they have why do they have toenails?????? s’bad. the thing is tho they have the proportions of a potentially attractive gerudo which is probably what takes the edge off the general vibes of... u know... being an abomination. its also only JUST occured to me as im writing that these guys r just evolved bokoblins so. glow up i guess. 6/10 what that tongue do

ok bypassing whatever the fuck rule 34 has done to these guys, i actually dig them. i find the huge fat ones way cuter than the lil bug eyed ones. in their case theres rlly no, like... hotness about them. its just cute. i think they’re cute. any monster that is cute and also doubles up as a bed gets my vote 7/10 get urself a fella as flexible as these guys 

u know what, im gonna say it, these guys r actually kinda hot. proportions arent super bad, the face aint bad and generally they have good vibes. aside from, u know, when they’re tryna shank u. id say one of the most bearable monsters to have to look at. 8/10 im not a scalie

??????????? idk what to say. u could tie these little shits to like swingball poles and beat them with rackets thatd b good. aside from that these guys have like no redeeming qualities. they’re a pain in the ass and not in a good way. 3/10 cute but like. is it worth it?

i mean,,,,,,,, someones probably into it. i dont like these guys for a lot of reason and surprisingly the thing that gets me is the fucking hair why does it have that hair its like he-man just went straight over the top with an electric razor its not a good look!!! stop trying to make it work! it wont! and again with the loincloth??? im not into it. the only thing i like abt these guys is the lil waistcoats. they have some amount of decency (but the implications it makes are Not Good). uh. 2/10. barely.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

,,,,,9/10. but if you see a lynel up close like that chances are you died about half a minute ago

again. ??? i dont rlly like. i mean. im digging the top heavy proportions? its got the same body type as kass so like. 4/10. bit plain around the features but what can u do. i dont understand how but the igneo taluses are like. sexier 

UGHGHHH I FUCKING HATE THESE THINGS okay okay okay like these motherfuckers lure u in by being quite cute and dancin around and then u get a look at their faces and its like fucking JESUS and its even WORSE when you see under their cloak and they have no necks????? and like????? they do that gay little fucking dance that pisses me off???? they’re wearing hoods that give the ILLUSION that they have necks and im im fumin ok i HATE it i hate it i have been betrayed and i will NEVER FORGET ABOUT IT UGHGHGHG I HATE THESE CUNTS -10000000000000000000000000000000000/10 die

hhhhh i just dont like em. theyre too annoying to be cute now. and whats gonna happen if i squeeze one? is like. water gonna come out? r they just gonna deflate? 4/10 tentacles are not hyrules forte it seems ://

trust kohga to send the twinks out on the front line. seriously. they’re not bad tho? kinda small and underwhelming :((( tho i give extra points for the good crazy laugh we love a good manic cackle 6/10 they dont really count as monsters but ah well where else am i gonna put em

now THATS what im talkin about babeyyyyy we love the muscles,,,,, the posture,,, the stride,,, we love it when u fuck up stealth and a torrential downpour of these motherfuckers come down to beat ur ass,,,,, 9/10 its raining men 😎

u know. u dont rlly like. get a good view of these guys when ur balls deep in a battle with them, but the more i get like closer looks at them the more i go ???? like idk. everything about them looks backwards and wrong. but as far as backwards and wrong goes its not a bad look and the boss theme is a banger so 4/10 maybe dont jump on my ass every time i step one foot onto the desert :/

i just. i dont dig it. idk why. aside from the fact they’re a monumental pain in my ass, and now everytime i hear a beep even slightly resembling a guardian i shit my pants, but. idk??? as far as robots go its not like. terrible. they’re like the milfs of robots. the milves, if u will. a rilf. except i wouldnt. so its more like riwlf. but even that leaves too much up to interpretation so im just gonna call em a cunt and go. 4/10 leg game strong

here we are,,, the big boys,,,, waterblight isnt too bad i will admit, but the spear hand is both annoying and mildly inconvenient. its got a rlly big chest but rlly thin arms?? also not sure how i feel abt the strap on beard but oh well its not like ganons got taste. 5/10 kind of average for a blight i think

a hefty motherfucker. a chunk of a lad. big large. the fact this is like one of the easiest blights makes it more forgiveable to me but like whatever its got going on with the 80s hair needs 2 be sorted out. i like its moves but it doesnt hang upside down like waterblight :((( 5/10 calm down kate bush

ok who doesnt like gun arms. and a gun back. this things like fuckin megatron. the whole face plate thing doesnt look bad either. honestly its kind of a look? but its dickheadery in aoc makes me wanna set shit on fire so :// 6/10 hot but will not leave u alone 😔

ok this one is by FAR the sexiest of all the blights. i just cant explain it. i like guys with bad posture. i had an easy time beating it but apparently its given other people a lot of grief and that makes it 10x more sexy to me lmaooo. also it can clone itself which is like. thats a win. 8/10 ganon spilt all the sexy juice into this one

ok i didnt realise how many arms this motherfucker has and the whole hairline behind the ears thing is not a great look. especially w the beard. in fact the longer i look at it the less sexy it becomes tbh. 3/10 they tried to make arachnophobia sexy and it didnt work

10/10 i will be taking questions in my inbox but i wont be taking constructive criticism and you cant make me 

[aquagustd]

YUSSSS.

your mind. your writing. you. literally one of the best authors on this app i swear you need to publish actual books cause..

first off. seojoon just… no. he’s so weird and there’s actually so many men that think like that, “you put ur head on my shoulder” ok? that doesn’t mean i’m in love with us pls. and the way he wouldn’t let her go. SIR. we were rooting for u!! (i mean i really wasn’t he was alr but i’m sure other people loved him)

WHY WAS I TEARY EYED DURING JUNHO AND OC’S FIGHT. she is such a good momma i hope she forever knows that 🫶 being a mom and disciplining a young child is so so hard. JK’S VOICE MEMOS 😖 the “does momma like black or white more don’t tell her” i cried, we all cried. the way he talks to him i can just imagine it cause jk irl probably sends cute voice memos ARGGG. junho ur dad will be back and if he doesn’t come back we will all be ur dad 🫤

yuri & yoongi 4ever. the love i have for them. yus do you imagine urself as yuri because i do… i’m ready for them to have many many cute Chubby babies 🫶 i love yuri sm she is an angel on earth i adore that woman <3

TAE AND OC DINNER , HER KISSING HIS MOLES 😵‍💫 the smut… the toe sucking… GRRRR. i was shaking a bit ngl. personally id never put my mouth near a foot BUT men who do… saur sexy. like 😵‍💫 THE MIRROR KINK THE 🐱 EATING WAS SOO…. i digress. the STUBBLe tickling her thighs.. i wanna die.

lastly… ABT TO GET sexy angry yoongi i’m so excited pls yell at me daddy 🫶 okay but actually i’m so curious to see his reaction to jimin… i will be patient!

anyways thank u again YUS YOUR MIND IS PERFECT UR SO TALENTED I LOVE YOU!

YAZ STOP ILY 😭😭🥺🥺🥺 tysm wtf ??? it’s literally a dream of mine to publish a book 🥺🫣 is that stupid.

lmaoooo 💀 i wonder who was rooting for seojoon. literally the definition of creep. who knows what he’s been doing when oc was asleep/wasn’t around

I KNOW their first fight ever 😭 & she felt bad after. no bc jungkook needs to make up his mind he can’t be saying shit like that 🫣 or i’m gonna fold

yoongi + yuri my fave couple on hie <3 her character is based on me lmao 💀 that’s why she’s so gay for oc pretend you didn’t see this

I WAS HYPERVENTILATING THROUGH THE SMUT YAZ. that’s why it took me 2+ hours 😩 literally same. shaking. the stubble ffs. YES that’s what i’m saying !!! i personally never sucked toes but on the other end 🫣 sexiest thing EVER 🥴

sexy angry yoongi pls 😳😀 yes sir yell at us

no thank YOU for being so sweet and reading my work <33 literally made my night 🥺

[freunwol]

remember when i said id upload the rest of the ssau beta designs i coould remember where they were. remember when i said that literal months ago. uhhh

ohhhgh i threw this design out like almost immediately.... i have no clue what i was going for w the shoulder pads tbh, i dont draw a folded up scarf like that (i think. i wouldnt now)

also evan & ds at the top, and also kirby for??? some reason?????? whats he doin here

another page had basically nothing relevant i just liked this one

i may actually have been trying to go for a folded scarf oh no

(not sure whats going on in the bottom right either but just focus on silly lumis and also kirby)

evan...... i was limited in my color choice i would not have chosen that yellow naturally

my concept for him was that toxic positivity is basically his religion... plus other things that are BIG spoilers but essentially hes still a dragon master, but here since he has a lot more access to darkness mir kinda morphs into a more twisted looking onyx dragon... he still tries to be, yknow, Mir, but hes ride or die for evan and ride means losing urself at least partially to mass amounts of darkness yknow. i know that has almost nothing to do w the design and thats bc i dont think i put much thought into it beyond cool jacket

also no i have NO clue what i was going for w the fishnets ik i just wanted to put smthn on his legs but why fishnets im just as confused help???????? (EDIT ON SECOND THOUGHT that may have been my attempt at drawing a texture that i... could have made w cross hatching but didnt???? so its not actually fish nets?????? or it might be and im misremembering??????? help)

(also fun cameo of my earliest design for lucid lol)

ok that side profile there has always stood out in my brain and looking at it again i understand why... the Energy.... the wind maybe... where did it come from how did i make that hello???????

idk whats happening in any of the other doodles

yis papa... im aware that one looks jank as hell but i dont think i cared. or it was on purpose???? i Do Not Know. also lmao @ low standards

(I KEEP NOT NOTICING GIANT FUCKING SPOILERS IN IMAGES anyway.)

i think the extent of cygnus's role here was to be the phanaria kid and also eight. that was... it. i will say the her trying on the gloves is adorable and i also like the flower dress!! i can tell why i didnt wanna color that though lmaoooo

idk either

THESE designs though i actually have something to say!!! at least on arans end, merc i mostly just wanted to make more... queen-ly, no comment on how well that went (shes wearing tights its not colored in but i prommy theres tights)

aran though!! i based her armor on the temple of time guardians bc. well thats spoilers but i took notes from that book. i think it was actually in the last post too, that she also has a helmet and when she has it on the ponytail looks like the lil plume of smoke they have n all... yeah

arans closer to the more serious self she was originally since she never lost her memories, not like stone cold (i doubt aran ever was That cold if she naturally turned into a more jovial her) but still more serious.

in the story they have... kind of a fraught relationship, on the same side but for very conflicting reasons and kind of resent each other... but like maybe..... yknow? yknow????? i also just like the energy of this one

maybe ending off on one u have essentially nothing to say abt is passe but hey!! i like the earrings w the chain thing. shes so fashion

maybe one day ill stop saying ill write ssau one day and actually write it lol

[frywen-babbles]

Sounds of Silence pt1

A/N: Modern AU with Mitsunari! This is loosely tied to Everything comes with a price, set over a year after it. Unlike before, there won’t be a set release schedule bc this fic isn’t completely finished yet. (I just need some validation and motivation oTL). A big thank you to @dear-mrs-otome for telling me this idea doesn’t completely suck <3

Also spoilers for Mitsunari’s route!

When he opened the door all he could do was stare.

Behind it stood a young woman. And not just any young woman but the one he had seen at the library countless times reading books to kids in sign language. The woman he secretly always hoped he’d see when he went to the library, whose smile he couldn’t stop thinking about.

***

At first, Mitsunari was annoyed by the voices coming somewhere out of sight. Libraries were supposed to be where you could study in peace, he had no idea what could cause such a ruckus.

The sound of laughter guided him to the children’s section of the library, but what he saw wasn’t what he expected.

A young woman was standing in front of a group of kids, a book open in front of her, animatedly reading the book in sign language. The kids were excited, laughing and giggling at the what he assumed were the exciting parts of the story.

Mitsunari felt enamoured, his annoyance long forgotten. He didn’t even realise he had stared until the story was over and all the kids were circling her, trying to talk to her all at once. Her smile brightened her face and she looked so natural and happy amongst the kids Mitsunari felt almost jealous.

Just then, she caught him staring. He felt his face heat up and he turned around sharply, stomping back to the table he had reserved for himself. He planted his face firmly on the book open in front of him.

Gods, that was embarrassing. Who goes around staring random women, when they were supposed to study. Ughh…

*****

He saw her walk towards the children's section from the corner of his eye and somehow his head turned to look after her. She stopped to wait for a boy in his teens to bounce all excited to her a book in his hands. They shared a greeting but Mitsunari couldn't follow the signs they spoke with. It didn't stop him from staring after them when they continued on their way towards the room where he had seen her read to the kids.  

"Hey, are you even listening to me?"

Mitsunari turned to look at Sakon who looked at him a wide smile on his face.

"Or are you too busy staring after women to tutor me?"

"If you have time to lazy around and comment on everything I do, you must be ready for a quiz about all the important battles post-Honno-ji?"

"Ack! No! Don't you have any mercy, we just went through them 30 minutes ago?"

"Then what are you doing fooling around, you incorrigible dimwit. Get back to studying."

"I'm sure no one would have made me work this hard in the Sengoku period..." Sakon mumbled with a sigh.

"What was that?"

"I'm studying!"

When he was finally free of Sakon, he made his way to the children's section. But it was quiet, the children long gone. He was just about to turn around when he noticed a schedule on the wall. She would be back in an hour.

He could wait for that long.

Wait, maybe he shouldn't? Would that be weird? But he really did want to see her read again.  

He didn't see her until he got up to get some coffee from a vending machine. She was sitting on the sofas next to it with the same boy as before, lost in an animated discussion he could only guess the topic off.

A part of him wanted to loiter so he could watch them talk, but the reasonable part of his brain forced him to return to his table.

As soon as he saw her followed by the silver-haired boy he stuffed his things to his bag and stood up to follow her. A group of excited kids were already waiting for her but he stayed behind until everyone had sat down. Then he stepped behind the parents by the door, his eyes following the movements of her hands taking in every sign.

Unlike before, this time when she was finished she kept glancing at the clock and hurried away as soon as possible, almost colliding with him. The silver-haired boy tried to stop her but after some hurried signs let her go. The look on the boys face looked a bit like a lost puppy and for some reason seeing her hurry away like that made Mitsunari feel a bit same.

He was brushing his teeth in the evening when he felt the buzz of his phone in his pocket.

[23:12:45] <<bookshy>> do u evr feel like ur stuck in ur life? [23:12:52] <<bookshy>> like u shld hve accomplishd so much mor in ur life tn u hve?

He stared at the screen for a while before he typed a reply. He didn't know who bookshy was, not really. They had been talking with each other for years, but always with nicknames, always through messages in the internet. It felt more comfortable that way somehow. Knowing there was always a person willing to listen to you without judging.

[23:13:05] <<ManjuDreamer>> Are you feeling like that right now? [23:13:07] <<bookshy>> ya [23:13:11] <<bookshy>> i dunno wht ill do w/ my life [23:13:19] <<bookshy>> i thght id do so mch more u know? [23:13:22] <<bookshy>> and now i jst feel liek im stuck nd see no way out [23:13:23] <<bookshy>> is ths my life now? [23:14:50] <<bookshy>> evry1 says i shld b happy w/ wht i hve [23:14:59] <<bookshy>> i hve so much im feeling ungrateful whn i feel like ths [24:15:46] <<ManjuDreamer>> You still have plenty of time to accomplish your dreams. It's not for others to decide when you can be happy. [23:16:02] <<bookshy>> guess ur rite

He heard a knock on the bathroom door and quickly finished brushing his teeth. When he opened the door Hideyoshi was standing behind it already in his pyjamas.

"I thought you'd never come out," he commented with a yawn and pushed past him to the bathroom.

"Good night," Mitsunari wished to the closed door before he retreated back to his room.

[23:18:30] <<bookshy>> how was ur day [23:18:49] <<bookshy>> i saw the prettiest person today like hot damn [23:19:13] <<ManjuDreamer>> I saw an interesting person today too, I wish I get to see them again. Other than that, it was mostly my student being an idiot, so nothing new. [23:19:53] <<ManjuDreamer>> I tried to do some research on a paper I'm writing, but it didn't progress much. I was just about to go to bed so I have energy to study more tomorrow. [23:19:56] <<bookshy>> srry to keep u up [23:19:57] <<bookshy>> night! [23:20:10] <<ManjuDreamer>> Night.

***

Mitsunari tossed the wig from his head frustrated, running his hand over his face. He glanced at the mirror of the bathroom, at the perfectly drawn eyeliner, the perfect shade of blush, the perfectly applied foundation. The perfect set of lies, painted on his face.

[13:33:14] <<ManjuDreamer>> I went to see my mother.

He hesitated a bit before he sent the message. It didn't take long for his phone to bling with a reply.

[13:34:29] <<bookshy>> how did it go? [13:34:48] <<ManjuDreamer>> As well as you would expect. [13:34:51] <<bookshy>> u wanna t alk about it?

His fingers ghosted over the screen of his phone before he put it down and looked at the mirror again. He reached for the makeup removal wipes from his bag and scrubbed furiously at his skin until the last remains of the makeup were gone.

[13:36:18] <<ManjuDreamer>> She's there but I feel like I'm losing her. [13:37:01] <<ManjuDreamer>> Every time I visit she seems further and further away. [13:37:15]<<ManjuDreamer>> Sometimes I wonder if the mother I used to know is there at all.

He started to type his next message, but stopped, gripping his phone tight in his hand.

[13:38:34] <<ManjuDreamer>> She's my mother, but it's so hard. [13:38:42] <<ManjuDreamer>> I don't know what to do.

He glanced at the mirror to make sure his eyes weren't red before he pulled his shirt over his head and replaced it with one from his bag.

[13:38:47] <<bookshy>> ur doing plenty already [13:38:49] <<bookshy>> u dont have to push urself so hard [13:38:50] <<bookshy>> im sure shed understand [13:38:59] <<ManjuDreamer>> But I'm all she has. [13:39:02] <<bookshy>> i know [13:39:06] <<bookshy>> but u hhave 2 thnk abt urself frst [13:39:15] <<bookshy>> if u feel its too much u can keep a brek. ur not prfect. u dnt have 2 b [13:39:50] <<bookshy>> im alws hr 2 tlk if u need me [13:40:20] <<ManjuDreamer>> Thank you. It means a lot.

He put his phone on the side of the sink and wiggled out of his skirt. He really should buy a new one next time he got paid for tutoring. The zipper didn't work properly anymore and the hem was starting to fray. He kicked the flats from his feet and looked at the kneehigh socks on his feet. They wouldn't be visible under his pants anyway so he let them be and took his pants and shoes from his bag before showing the skirt and shirt in their place. He considered showing the wig in after them but realised making the wig presentable after that would be too much of a hassle. So he gently combed the wig with his fingers to sort out biggest tangles and folded it neatly in a mesh bag. Flats into a plastic bag, then into the bag.

Like countless times before.

He got dressed and made one final glance at the mirror before he put the bag on his shoulder and stepped out of the bathroom.

"Oh, Mitsunari! Here to see your mother?" a nurse greeted him when he tried to slip past the nurses' office without being noticed. What a nosy bunch of quidnuncs insistent of mothering him.

“Yes. I was just leaving.” He replied with a stiff bow.

“Come and have some tea with us! How did the test go you told me last time?” Another nurse poked her head from the office. Mitsunari resisted the urge to roll his eyes and offered another bow.

“I believe it went well. I still haven’t received the results.”

Half an hour later he was still stuck at the nurses' office surrounded by what felt like a flock of mother hens, all determined to squeeze every bit of information out of him they could. He was just getting up from his chair when a voice behind him froze him on the spot.

"Did my darling Saki leave already? She was just here... Such a dutiful daughter, coming to see her mother so often..."

His knuckles turned white as he squeezed the edge of the table, his head down. He wanted to turn around. He wanted to see his mother as himself. He wanted... needed to see if she'd recognise him this time.

"We saw her leave a while ago, Mrs Ishida. She's such a nice girl."

He heard a nurse walk his mother away and the sighs of relief from the remaining nurses.

"Are you alright, Mitsunari? You know we'll listen to you if you need to talk. Or we can help you find someone-"

"I need to go now. Goodbye," Mitsunari interrupted the nurse who had put her hand on his shoulder to calm him. He got up in such haste his chair fell to the floor with a rattle, but he just offered a quick bow before he fled the office.

He didn't stop until he arrived at the bus stop. There he sank on the bench, burying his face on his hands.

He took the bus to the library, staring idly out of the window.

[14:36:09] <<bookshy>> did u make it home [14:36:35] <<ManjuDreamer>> No. I'm heading to the library. The nurses got me again. [14:36:37] <<bookshy>> lol how did u mnage 2 escpe [18:36:56] <<ManjuDreamer>> Mother came to the office. [14:37:09] <<bookshy>> oh no [14:37:10] <<bookshy>> im so sorry [14:37:21] <<bookshy>> how r u feeling rn? [14:38:29] <<ManjuDreamer>> I don't know. I'll try to find some reading to distract myself with.

At the library, he searched for materials for his upcoming paper but when he sat down and tried to read, the words didn't make any sense.

When he had read the same page several times over and still remembered absolutely nothing he was interrupted from his reading by a book shoved on top of the one he was just reading.

"Can't you see I'm-!" the sharp words died on his lips when he saw the same woman who had read to the kids in front of him. She tapped on the note on top of the book and he looked down to read it.

'This is the book I was reading. You seemed interested'

She handed him a second book, a note on top of it too.

'I'll read this next'

When she shifted her weight from one foot to another clearly uncomfortable, he realised he was staring. He offered her a curt nod as a thank you and she bowed at him a small relieved smile on her lips. She seemed to hesitate before she signed something but he had to shake his head.

There was a slight shift on her smile, on her posture, and she took a step back.

'I'm sorry' she mouthed and offered him a bow before she all but fled, leaving him to sit alone, feeling like an idiot.

[16:19:20] <<ManjuDreamer>> I think I just made a complete fool out of myself. [16:29:59] <<bookshy>> lol rly? [16:30:00] <<bookshy>> wht did u do? [16:30:02] <<bookshy>> i thght fool wasnt in ur dicktionary [16:31:18] <<ManjuDreamer>> And for that terrible joke, I tell you nothing. [16:31:47] <<bookshy>> noooo hw wll i evr know how embarassng u can be if u don tell me? [16:32:32] <<ManjuDreamer>> You'll survive.

***

"She's not here today."

Mitsunari was startled from his thoughts by a familiar voice behind him. He turned around, vaguely aware of the frown his irritation had brought on his face.

"Who?" he asked as if he didn't know exactly who was the 'she' in question.

"I got this for you, I'm sure it holds some useful information." Mr Otani handed him a flyer for the children's activities in the local libraries. Mitsunari stared at the flyer blankly before he looked at Mr Otani, letting his irritation show.

"And what am I supposed to do with this?"

Mr Otani just smiled and pushed a book towards him as well.

"I'm sure you'll find this useful as well. Come find me if you need anything else."

Before he had time to protest Mr Otani left him with a wave, a wide smile on his face. He considered running or yelling after him, but changed his mind when he looked at the book in his hand.

'Sign language for beginners'

He tucked the children's program leaflet securely at the back of his calendar and checked the book out.

Something about the sign language intrigued him. She looked so graceful when signing. And so comfortable and she seemed genuinely love reading to the children.

At first, he thought he’d look up a few signs. Just in case some of the children needed help in the library. Just so he could talk to her. No, he meant the kids. So he could talk to the kids. But few turned into a few hundred. A few thousand. He was so lost.

***

[choco-style]

lately I’ve found myself mind yelling “shut the fuck up” more than usual and I don’t know who to talk to because there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it, I just have to wait to go to school and feel better, which is crazy because the general opinion on school is “god I hate it I just wanna go home” and that’s what I used to think too when I was in my awful 5-8 grade class

and it’s not just real life people I want to shut up, I feel like I’m getting more defensive and my favourite creators are getting called all kinds of things by people who claim to have the higher moral ground (or whatever you call it), when they themselves wish terrible things upon people who have either done nothing wrong, or who have apologized for everything they did wrong. and it’s 99% on tumblr. now I understand why no one fucking likes this site.

and I’m back again in this state where “I wanna go home” doesn’t at all refer to the actual apartment, but to a mentally happy place. and it sounds edgy when your brain says I wanna go home I wanna go home I wanna go home I wanna go home please shut the fuck up

this isn’t even that bad and it’s nothing serious and I don’t know how I feel about all this I just needed to let it out and tumblr is where I can write longass “diary entries” and very few people who I care about will read them, and if someone has a problem with them I don’t give a single shit about their feelings and I hope they get the help they need to not turn into a shitty person or worse.

ive also been kinda mean??like not quite but kinda??? i dont know i just feel like i peaked and now im just kinda there. but im not even in the neutral empty doorway kind of state, its like now im in the room but idk what i wanna do and i need to pee but theres no toilet and im just there. like how dreams feel sometimes,,,,, idk aaagh

during the first 5 days of the week i look forward to the weekend because that keeps me happy and good and nice but then the weekend is the worst part of every week and i look forward to going to school, and now i wont even have this escape because this is the last week were going to school this decade and i have to breathe the same air and hear the same sounds as my family and i dont want to, i wanna go to school and be distracted and plan out my evenings and mornings when im basically alone. or something. i dont know what im talking about. i just dont want winter break. i dont wanna talk to my family when theyre all together. whenever theres even two people from my family in the same room i feel like i want to cry and i end up wishing id made plans or something, anything just to be somewhere else. 

youtube videos arent working anymore. or they are, but not really. i can block out the sound partially but i can still hear other people. and i think its normal but also fucked up. “what is?” well thanks for asking, me in “ “s, having these people argue so much is common but fucked up, having to stop whatever ur doing just to check whether or not a family member is crying, only to find out theyre laughing, is fucked up but maybe common. wanting to be home alone is common and not fucked up i think. going into a mental crisis because youre in this eternal circle of being sad - amplifying it because ur an attention whore - realising ur an attention whore - instead of stopping, u amplify THIS to feel absolutely terrible except not really because its not real or is it - now ur making urself look like the victim of realising ur not the victim. jesus fucking christ u stop thinking about it and it happens again a while later. just shut the fuck up, me. shut the fuck up. make my brain shut the fuck up,  i would literally probably cry happy tears if someone could make me shut the fuck up forever. or maybe i wouldnt but right now i feel like im gonna cry thinking about it. or its just placebo. or not placebo, the negative one. or idk. maybe i was right the first time i dont know. and now my back hurts cuz im like a little bug or whatever im just writing like. reversed arched. i dont know how to explain it lmao. i dont wanna read this thiing ever again but i most likely will! yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! be happy lol u knwo the meme thats like cmon work. idk what it was but the reference is in my brain and i feel like i could use it. and now i sound weird. well not weird im just going thru the thing i explained earlier in this thing. but i wont write abt it im just gonna not think about it bc that seems to work really well. felt the need to add ^^ as if im talking to someone or maybe making my thoughts talk to me rn like how i would talk to someone irl lmao.theyve actually been silent for a while so idk.

id title this “if im being honest” to like show im trying to get my rthoughts out with no real filtering but aaah idk. i dont wanna do it bc the title would be like. bigger and semibold and itd draw attention to  it. i want this to not be read by people but maybe someone will. i have like 2 or 3 people in mind who would maybe maybe maybe read this but i dont know. its really not anything so you shouldnt read it. maybe someone could skim this. is that how you say it. also there is some filtering of my thoughts because i dont wanna name anyone im not looking for trouble i just wanna talk into the void and feel better and maybe this is really it. i do feel kind of relaxed now. my uhhh wrists, yeah thats what theyre fcalled, they kinda hurt and my fingers dont hurt but like, the joints are very,,,accentuated? but not like visually they just. i can conciously feel them? and my throat and kinda eyes? thats bc of almost kinda crying but lol idk. and like ive always hated accentuated feelings and i read this thing on wikipedia about sensory overload and idk if its a normal thing that happens like when something stings or hurts or if its a symptom of something or i dont know but ive always kinda joked about it and its also related to tics. ticks? ticks. tics. and its not really what im feeling rn but its a thing that happens sometimes. kind of. but like when u walk up the stairs and u feel ur right leg has been doing/making more effort pushing u up than ur left leg and u try to balance out the effort and it can be hurtful i guess bc if something like an eye or arm hurts u try to balance out the pain and that can be bad dont do that but like i can do it bc i wont do it in bad scenarios. i went off track lololol sorry

this is kind of what my mind speeches and discourses look like so yeah i hope this goes unnoticed or someone notices it and i can just say nah dude im good trust me because i am i think and u should maybe probably trust me bc usually i have it better than everyone i talk to online or in real life so its fine if u trust me because its nothing to worry about really. ur precious and u desrrve more attention than whatever this thingy is. take care of yourself. the only thing ur allowed to think about this post if u read it (or not but like sure), according to my selfish brain, is that oh wow its cool that u tried mimicking (??) ur thoufhts and id be lioke yeah haha i dont even know whats wriitten in here anymroe im cool like that hahahhahahhhhhhhahha hehe hoho hihi you know. so dont feel anything else than indifference and maybe admiration. i wouldnt say the former if this were something i put thought into but it isnt so enjoy! honesty. kinda.

[dilfhakyeon-moved]

gaslighting ! <3 "oh, i would never prevent you from eating, it's not all for your sister :) " =/= no u can't have fish it's for ur sister lol eat like 3 pasta “don’t say it’s my fault if u don’t eat ur sleep schedule is fucked up !!” me: hey i’m hungry and it’s noon. her: oh right lol. me: hey it’s 3 pm i’m still hungry yknow. her: ok lol. me: 4 pm ?? her: sure thing lmao. me: well it’s 7 pm i’ll go to sleep now. her: IM MAKING FOOD LOL DO U WANT SOME???? GEEZ UR SO IMPATIENT

i quote. “ i didn’t forget, i stopped thinking about it “ yeah and you went and talked to your friends and played your games while i was busy just... suffering i guess

me: hey i can’t cook, i wanna learn how to cool her, who never cooks: lol it’s not even that hard u cld do it urself me: a messy room with a lot of noise prevents me from focusing. if i tried cooking for the first time in such an environment i’d probably mess it up and ruin perfectly good food, especially if i don’t have assistance. i’m not the brightest child. i can’t do things on my own for the first time. her: You’re Just Finding Excuses To Do Nothing And Accuse Me

me: executive dysfunction, can't do shit by myself her: berates me for it, calls me a lazy fatass, tells everyone about how i don't help her around and how i'm Literally The Worst for complaining abt shit

me: you make me want to kill myself her: That's Emotional Abuse

her: if ! you don't like me !!! you'll go with your father who's a pedo and who traumatised you !!!!! i’m an angel !!!!!!! i never did anything wrong !!!!!!!!!!!

literally the lesser of two evils

blames me for wanting peace when she's a liar and she said it'd be too hot this afternoon to keep the windows open but when i tried to close them she went fucking bonkers apparently asking her when she goes to the doctor is a fucking crime, i can't want her to be away ? i literally spend my life wishing she doesn't exist and him neither

constantly finds things to invalidate me like ok i guess

"you can't tell people about that, they'd think we have problems and i don't take care of you" well bitch guess what ??? i'm a picky eater and eating the same thing a few times in a row makes me puke i literally can't fucking eat it anymore don't fucking blame me because you're uneducated and stupid and a dropout and i hate you

"i really don't wanna do this thing that could help you feel better about yourself so you'll just wait longer :// i'll also complain constantly about how helping you is a hassle and i hate doing things for you but if you complain about my bitching you're an arrogant child"

being wildly uninformed and like... not giving a shit abt it. like "yeah i care abt u so much" but then u do no research like lmao ok?? bitch. don’t say you’re so kind bc you’re pretending to be a decent human who takes her kid to the hospital if needed but behind the doc’s back you complain about it ruining your day and you don’t even try to know what the fuck is up

"we have to keep the windows open so we don't choke :) " smokes openly in the house where i can smell the smoke and she knows it makes me cough

if i like something "feminine" she'll try to prove i'm not a man and "see u like girl things" i never said i don't and they're not even girl things shut the fuck up ugly

“oh i think they want to be a guy to destroy the image of themselves their father had” how about i have a fucking mind of my own and real feelings karen you goddamn invalidating moron

when i first cut my hair short her first reaction was “you look like your father” like fucking really ??? my fucking god

“the lighter hair makes u look more woman :)” die

literally my aunt is such a better mother than my mother she started using masculine petnames for me and she always wants to see a smile on my face and she’s so great why did i get the mother who’s a stupid and mean jerk who doesn’t try to do anything for her kids i’m so tired

i’ve always been so afraid of death it’s my biggest fear

but she makes me want to kill myself and i don’t even know how to deal with that fact

i used to self harm accidentally last year which was the worst school year ever btw, and i noticed today id recently started doing so again and it stemmed from staying with her for too long since school is over

she causes such negative things within me then she pretends she’s a saint and i’m the worst child ever and “she was never like that with her mother” and “her mother would’ve hit her if she’d ever been like that” WELL MAYBE YOU’RE FINE WITH BEING ABUSED BY YOUR MOTHER BUT I’M NOT

“oh their grandmother is gonna complain about buying food for them but why don’t they give me the money ??? i can do it ????” bc your mother knows if she gives you the money you’ll spend it all on coke, cigs and my sister while i’ll get maybe one thing of food and she isn’t fucking stupid she knows i have to eat to survive unlike some others

[leonbastralle]

Flood Of Replies

hey guys! it’s that time of the month again where i feel rly crappy abt all the things so thank you for supporting me and sorry i always make it seem like you’re not enough ♥

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset

Shine........ ur gonna hurt urself sleeping with ur glasses like that...... my son

sbfkhabjsfnkjabsnfkajbfaknjfbankfjasd i cRY YOURE RIGHT I FEEL TERRIBLE

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “T: Shine…it’s been a while, hasn’t it? What do you say? S: We boink?...”

Im so proud of these kids

same, how did this happen again

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “T: Shine…it’s been a while, hasn’t it? What do you say? S: We boink?...”

ANYWAY hows your boink life

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “I can’t believe he’s disposing of his great grandson (and his lover)”

U forgot to include the real trash aka tunglr user pixeldemographics aka catii aka me

ur not getting to shame urself in my comment EVER ur not there ur in the rare elements collection in the labs basement

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “S: Hey, Dadgraab, are you okay? G: Yeah, yeah…I guess I just realised...”

Me, banging my knife on the table: DAD NIGHT dad NIGHT DAD NIGHT

pUT THE KNIFE AWAY THEYRE GETTING ONE

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “again? :/”

DADGRAAB MUST B PROTECTED

idk whats wrong man ;_; i think hes having a hard time knowing ppl talk abt his son and his ex sons dicks all the time

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset

Pls tell me the douchebag coworker wont go to space with them

hE WONT NOBODY FROM THIS LAB WILL THEY ALL SUCC

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset

What a beautiful girl what a beautiful face ❤️

this sounds like a new version of hotel california

monets-pixels replied to your photoset “T: Shine…it’s been a while, hasn’t it? What do you say? S: We boink?...”

#goals

they’re terrible and i love it

monets-pixels replied to your photoset “S: Hey, Dadgraab, are you okay? G: Yeah, yeah…I guess I just realised...”

DAD NIGHT OUT

YESSSS IT’S IN THE QUEUE

monets-pixels replied to your photoset “S: Dadgraab? How about a hug? G: Sure! S: It’s great to work with you,...”

When you get adopted as a dad

he deserves it man ♥

monets-pixels replied to your photoset

👀

hOW RUDE

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “T: Hey Shine, playing with strange fluids again? S: Trellis, this is...”

U sure u dont wanna play with fluids trellis 👀

i cry so much why did i caption this

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset “S: Man…I guess I still need some practice…”

Umm Shine I don't think that's the right way to land

it’s Shine’s very own special landing, he’s done it so many times he’s perfected it xD

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “S: Hey, Gulf, guess what? G: What is it, Shine? S: Trellis and I are...”

I too wanna join can i

ajmfbakjsfbnakjfnakjfnaksjfas no you cant id be rly scared

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “S: Hey, Gulf, guess what? G: What is it, Shine? S: Trellis and I are...”

The ANDROMEDA initiative sjsjjqjaqh

nO PLEASE THIS IS V HARMLESS ACTUALLY NOBODY DIES

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “S: Dadgraab? How about a hug? G: Sure! S: It’s great to work with you,...”

.................... i cant mcfucking believe this im crying pls be his son shine let him be happy

;______________; thANK YOU THIS IS YOUR DOING

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “S: Man…I guess I still need some practice…”

HOLY SHIT GIVE HIM THE LANDING THING IM GONNA CRY MY BOOOY IS ENDANGERED

hE HAS IT HE JUST LIKES RISKY MANEUVERS SO HE KEEPS BREAKING STUFF OR GETTING ATTACKED

amixofpixels replied to your photoset “S: Man…I guess I still need some practice…”

Shine, do not put yourself in danger like that.

he can’t help it...

amixofpixels replied to your photoset “S: Dadgraab? How about a hug? G: Sure! S: It’s great to work with you,...”

;__________________________________________________________________________;

I KNOW

amixofpixels replied to your photoset “S: Hey, Gulf, guess what? G: What is it, Shine? S: Trellis and I are...”

You be lazy all you want to, baby girl! We get it. Kinda.

ajshmbfasjkfbaksjfnaks,fsd i guess xD they shouldn’t even be in focus any more

amixofpixels replied to your photoset

I like he's the odd one out, with his green jacket/thing. It's so much better than blue.

it’s great but I’m too lazy to edit it after every promotion so he keeps switching xD talk about inconsistency! but true

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “T: My father-in-law senses are tingling.”

The only npc with good clothes flame never ceases to amaze me :’)

must i remind u of the glasses/turban/jewelry incident

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “What a day! A clown-president, Salim’s best maid dress friend and a...”

Im still crying abt clown mar how did his wife let him go like that

does she even know shes probably at work or peeing for 2 hrs

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset

S c i e n c e!!!!!

i kn O W

amixofpixels replied to your photoset

Trellis looks like she's glowing.

that’s because she is! it’s the tea you drink at these festivals.

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset

I lov how theyre so happy but also......... is that penny pizzaz i see 👀

it iS YOUR CHILD ALSO BAAKO STILL

amixofpixels replied to your photoset “What a day! A clown-president, Salim’s best maid dress friend and a...”

A clown is not shirtless.

I know, I know. I wasn’t controlling him XD

amixofpixels replied to your photoset “T: Dadgraab? Does your wife know you’re out wearing this???”

I just like the vanilla's face. 'Ahh yes, the crazy coloured folk are out again. Why aren't I that glorious?' *All the sad faces*

basically, the vanillas are just rly discouraged at this point, i feel them

amixofpixels replied to your photoset “T: My father-in-law senses are tingling.”

Not that I'm complaining, as he is a very pretty man. Also, I'm sorry if I've asked about this before, most of the time, I forget.

amixofpixels replied to your photoset “T: My father-in-law senses are tingling.”

Is Flame forever young, because he should be an old man by now.

he can’t ever be an old man it’s impossible, it’s FLAME

amixofpixels replied to your photoset “I literally just sent Trellis to investigate because I saw this...”

Holy sweet days. That looks like a bin on his head. A* glasses though.

he’s wearing a me!

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “I literally just sent Trellis to investigate because I saw this...”

Fashion icon

always my baby

amixofpixels replied to your photoset

Pretty Annie takes pretty pictures.

dANG IT WHY SO SMOOTH CHELSEA

amixofpixels replied to your photoset

That iddy biddy man bun. 😊

he wears it so well doesn’t he ;_;

amixofpixels replied to your post “Malmine’s Day Out In Berry World (And More) - Replies”

It does so don't you worry about it.

GOOD GOOD

monets-pixels replied to your photoset “after today I’ll actually gonna stop spamming sims I can’t take credit...”

😍😍😍 ❤❤❤

i know i know i know ♥ blame @pixeldemographics‘ sim making skills!

amixofpixels replied to your post “I’ve been challenging myself to draw every day for a week and it’s...”

AND THAT CIRCLE, DOT, & 5 STRANDS OF HAIR ARE PERFECT!

skj,fnajnfaksjfnaksjfnasdskdj,fbaks

amixofpixels replied to your post “I heard you wanted to see a weirdo (not)”

And Annie's laptop stop dying so hard, she can't get a new one yet so keep it together man.

the thing is i could but I’m scared of being broke

amixofpixels replied to your post “I heard you wanted to see a weirdo (not)”

Look at that adorable face. <3

;_; aAAAAA

amixofpixels replied to your post “I’ve been challenging myself to draw every day for a week and it’s...”

Zoey, Caleb & Button, Argus & Summer, and my boys. I think that's them all.

amixofpixels replied to your post “I’ve been challenging myself to draw every day for a week and it’s...”

This is going from someone who has had 4 stick figure art works from you.

amixofpixels replied to your post “I’ve been challenging myself to draw every day for a week and it’s...”

DID YOU JUST CALL THEM SAD?!?! THEY ARE AMAZING, AND SO ARE YOU!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA KAJSBFNKAJSNFKJASBFNAKJSFNAKS S T O P BUT ALSO DON’T BUT PLEASE STOP ;_; it’s true! those must be all up to this point. But feel free to request more any time!

socialbunnies replied to your post “I’ve been challenging myself to draw every day for a week and it’s...”

they aren't sad sticks! they're adorable!

j,sfnkajsfnkajsbfnkajsfasd thank you ;_; suppose they’re as good as they’ll get when my only tool is a mouse xD

limericksims replied to your photoset

they're so adorable!! 😍

I know right ♥♥ I’m so happy I got to put them in my game!

limericksims replied to your post “I heard you wanted to see a weirdo (not)”

aww, cutie! 😘

i try ;)

limericksims replied to your photoset

bedroom eyes 😏😏 

that’s them in a nutshell man, they’re the most gloriously thirsty children i AM IN LOVE

amixofpixels replied to your photoset “local alien cinnamon roll still a cinnamon roll”

CINNAMON ROLL!!!

YESSS A CINNAMON ROLL SAW THE CINNAMON ROLL

ladyanyarose replied to your post “It’s Time For Replies!”

Lol I like to read things from the beginning XD it was really good.

akjbaksjnfaks,sd thank you ;_; that means a lot! i’m glad you enjoyed it ♥

amixofpixels replied to your post “It’s Time For Replies!”

I like you know, it's makes me feel warn inside.

good, please be warm it’s very cold

amixofpixels replied to your photo “elvensimming: I drew some of @romeo-and-simulet’s cuties. that’s...”

AAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLYYYYYYY!!!!

i know!!!!

bouquet-of-scissors replied to your post “It’s Time For Replies!”

<i>Trellis</i> may or may not be on the list :3

;) ;) ;)

[everythingmustgo]

heyO i was wonderin if i could do a tarrot reading and an analysis? if not its fine! but my signs are cancer sun, libra moon, leo rising, mercury cancer, venus virgo, mars leo, jupiter cancer, n saturn gemini! thank u in advance!

hello hello ofc u can !!! my tarot readings r £2 per card used so if u wanna have a look at my tarot page nd pick the spread u want then go for it!!! ill do ya analysis just now !okay so cancer suns r honestly my FAVS like my gf is a cancer nd shes so sweet nd caring, cancer suns want to protect u, theyre very maternal in their loving? very nurturing, they show their love thru looking after u and making sure ur okay. sooooooo emotional, all u water signs r crybabies tbh, ur emotions rly do dictate ur life and ur not in control of them so much as they r in control of u. the kind of ppl that cry from every emotion cuz they feel so deeply. the thing abt cancers tho is even tho theyre loving and caring, theyre always looking out for no. 1. big on self preservation, if they had the option to save u or them, theyd save their damn self no question. if a cancer if upset, anyone elses feelings go out the window. if u nd a cancer r upset, u can bet ur ass the cancer’s feelings come first. this is bc of how strong their feelings r for sure, they just dont have room in them for negative feelings that arent. theres ukno. they need so much emotional support, as caring as they r they struggle a lot with insecurity and need constant reassurance. often the only constant thing in their life is their own emotional turmoil, and they have a tendency to wallow in it and expect others to make it better. this is honestly one of the only bad qualities in cancers imo like I love water signs nd they rly r the most sweet nd caring ppl, they just have Issues nd r fiercely protective of themselves. cancer/libra is a good combo imo!!! libra moons r very diplomatic, have an innate sense of justice and a deep need for peace and harmony. bc this is ur moon sign this would suggest that this is ur strongest desire, this is rly what drives all of ur actions. ur a peacekeeper, u settle arguments nd everyone immediately seems to like u bc of the knack u have to see all sides of an argument. bc of this ur not strongly opinionated, u have principles but ur always open to persuasion and generally look for a balance between two options. big on equality, ur middle ground attitude to arguments can sometimes b mistaken for weakness of opinion but ur driven more by the need for fairness which is v strong in u. bc this is ur moon sign this is the part of u that cannot b suppressed: ppl will always see ur moon sign, nd while u have a certain amount of choice over how much of ur sun sign self u express (ur core personality, often one u grow into nd recognise within urself as u get older), ur moon sign cannot b hidden. ppl will always recognise ur balanced and fair nature, nd honestly for a libra moon this is a great thing bc ppl generally Love libras bc of this !!! they r fair nd will never immediately write off anyones opinions as invalid, somehow finding a way to agree with everyone. plus as an air sign u have great communication skills nd ppl will feel v comfortable talking to u. they have a veeeeeery strong need to b liked tho, which often drives their agreement w everyone. they need a thriving social life and to be in a relationship, most libras feel v lost w/o a partner. theyre romantics at heart, ruled by venus, but also feel they need a strong person in their life to make their decisions for them. this is the libra downfall, they r. wishy washy ppl. sometimes u NEED strong opinions? like even if u desire fairness, nd r immediately uncomfortable when fairness in a situation becomes almost impossible to achieve, there r times when u need to have a strong opinions? the idea of holding an opinion that some people will object to is stressful for a libra. this means ur one of the most indecisive, vague and easily influenced signs and u need to think for urself more!!! libras r all too dependant on others and see the route to peace and inner balance as pleasing everyone, which isnt always the case. u need to take urself and ur own feelings into consideration, be independent. as this is ur moon sign, ur approach to emotions is heavily ruled by ur libra. u keep things to urself as u dont like to distress others w ur emotions or hav them think differently of u bc of it, u see the solution to ur problems as to deal w them urself and problem solve ur way out of it, and while this is a skill of urs and u will most likely come up w good solutions, its not healthy to take it all on urself. I do love libras tbh but. they can b fake as hell w their niceness. u need to let urself open up more nd realise theres more to life than being liked, nd peace can b achieved w/o pleasing everyone, and w doing things for urself. ok ok I rly went to town on ya moon there so ill try nd keep ya rising short, so ur a leo rising which is v different from ur sun nd moon !!! all of ur signs r different elements which suggests ur v well rounded nd have a lot of different aspects to ur personality!!! ur leo rising means that the way u express urself and how others perceive u is far more dramatic than ur sun and moon, honestly u like to b seen as Extra. v focused on ur appearance, sociable and outgoing, loooooves to b the centre of attention. this im thinking is the strongest of ur signs nd fits very well w ur libra and cancer, who hav more vulnerability when it comes to others. leos have a lot of charm and likeability from the confidence they exude, which can likely be a protection for your libra fears of being disliked, and your highly emotional cancer sun. leos are also incredibly loyal and generous, a leo friend will absolutely spoil u and think nothing of spending lots of money on u (theyre v materialistic so often buying things for u is how they express affection). however they do often keep others in their shadow bc they like the attention so much, so its possible that until others get to know u very well, they will feel intimidated by u. u like to express urself dramatically and perhaps as opinionated in an attempt to hide ur libra indecisiveness and dependence on others to make ur decisions, which ur cancer sun will make u feel v insecure abt !!! theres a lot of interlinking insecurity between the signs with u lmao they work well together but theres certainly a lot going on. when ppl meet u, theyll hear abt ur social status and ur charm, but then discover ur sense of fairness and need for peace and equality, as well as ur emotional, nurturing side as they get closer to u.im gonna do a v brief explanation of ur planets if thats okay but if u want more info u can 100% ask for it its okay!!!so bc ur mercury is the same as ur sun sign its likely ur thought process, mental abilities and communication skills r v close to ur core personality and the way u think is an important part of who u r. bc its in cancer its gonna b emotional: ur mentality r hiiiighly emotion driven, and its hard for u not to let ur feelings get in the way of ur thought process and capacity for ideas and planning. ur 100% an overthinker, nd even tho u care for others deeply, ur plans will always result in u reaping the most benefits. ur venus virgo means ur a lover of beauty and a big romantic imo, but also a perfectionist. ur attracted to people u can fix up, which is a big downfall of virgos. they like to fix things, esp ppl, ESP in venus wow. u may notice a pattern of friends nd partners who rely on u to Fix Them, u may notice u r drawn to ppl w Issues bc u want to help them get better. ur a big worrier when it comes to relationships. leo mars wow this is the realm of action and u GO for it. everything u do u do 110% nd u wanna make a big show of it. u wanna b seen as an achiever, someone whos doing great things in life nd lookin hot while doing it. u want appreciation and attention for doing it. p much all of ur actions r to b noticed nd appreciated for what u do, its a big motive. ur in it for u. jupiter jupiter realm o wisdom nd knowledge, cancer again so id reckon important to u. mercury nd jupiter often go hand in hand so its fitting they r the same. again, emotional, again, caring, again, selfish. u have a deep understanding of ur own and others feelings, ur v intuitive nd use ur feelings to help u understand the world around u. ur feelings influence how u learn, if u dont love smth ur not gon learn it. cancer is ruled by the moon, id say ur v wise and trustworthy. saturn is jupiters restrictive counterpart, all abt boundaries nd structure. as its in gemini I reckon ur a fast learner nd once u learn ur lesson u will never forget. u like to scheme and plan, ur intelligent nd sociable but the way u plan ur life may distress u. u may often b highly conflicted over how u structure ur life, part of u loving the control of routine and part of u loving the freedom of no structure whatsoever.hope this made sense !!! u got any more questions let me kno, hmu when uve decided what spread u want for ur reading 💕

[yumenosakiacademy]

hey so this may be none of my business and i understand if you don't want to to talk about it, but i was wondering why don't you want to get psychiatric help? it can really help if you find the right person, and while it could be trouble to do that it still can be worth it and help in the end. idk i just want to see if i can help you somehow?

itz actually for kinda dumb reasons tbh! :0 kay this whole response’ll b kinda jumbled n sowwy tthat i seem kinda oddly childish when writin most a this! edit: …..this got long. im sry. i dunno how to even. word most of this it doesnt matter

1. i dont want medicine should i b diagnosed w somefin! i cant stand pills n it physically pains me to swallow even small ones to the point itz near impossible. n mental medicine im p shore dont come in fruity liquid flavors like sickness medicine :(( 2. i dont wanna pay for aforementioned medicine! money is a big thing w me n i hate spending money. i dont wanna put more costs on my dad ither bc [hand gesture] but nana would prob pay for my medicine but that also just gives me more “ties” to her! i dont like how we’re bonded thru. yknow. Blood n how guardians r all “i do x for you so why dont u like me” n stuff. it gives her that. i hate having her buy me things unless its con tickets or school shit. she also might hold that over my dad’s head. i dunno. but even if nothing bad happenz there, then the costs fall on ME once i grown up! im gonna hav a hard enough time supporting myself so no! id rather cry a lot then pay thaat!3. this is just slight paranoia but what if i over-exaggerate while talking to the psychiatrist! i hav a way of speaking that makes things seem more dramatic than they r, i think tbh. i dont wanna b misdiagnosed n all. i hate the thought of telling lies i didnt mean or didnt orchestrate. like, i get sad a lot, but im not constantly sad like the symptoms of depression say! i can get out of bed everyday! ill do meaningless stuff even if its only semi-fun. im not always low on energy, im just lazy n put stuff off n kno i do so! n if she asks me abt my past, of course its not as bad as i make it out to b probably! i saw a lot of shit, sure, but it wasnt as bad as i make it seem- but she doesnt kno that! what if i exagggerate!4. my nana wants to send me to a psychiatrist for dumb shit! such as me not liking my hygiene much (makes things easier 4 me n i dont caaare), me being argumentative, (probably) me saying love is weird n i dont feel it much (i just mean romantic n familial bonds! bc familial bonds? aint worth shit! fuc blood!), n seeming unmotivated or lazy or slightly dead at home. i dunno. but sheisnt taking me there for the reasons *I* kno full damn well abt myself.5. me getting diagnosed n talking to some random person wont help anyfin!! a lot of my “wanting to die” comes from being terrified of growing up n working a job n losing all the “fun” of youth and having to actually do things in life. ew! no! why!! why bother doing all of that n struggling w money n working at jobs that dont make me happy when i can just! die!! life aint as great as optimists want u to think. jobs arent fun. life isnt all That grandiose, i’d rather die while im not stressed n all. life itself is already quite pointless unless youve got things to do n all. but things like cons n shows n books r good! everything else has lil meaning.6. ….who cares if i talk to some random person n they go “yep ur prob depressed! hav u tried thinking more positively? :0 hink better of urself″ eff off!! i dont wanna hear it! i dont wanna talk to someone abt how life is stupid n how im scared, it does me no good to just shove pills in me then tell me “life’ll b good! cheer up!” eff off!! i dont want anyfin n i dont wanna go n its stupid n id rather just brood on my own where i dont hav to vocalize all my dumb thoughts n my dumb reason for wanting to die or some shit n like! its not like im constantly sad! i might not even b depressed why bother going i dont wanna. i just wanna try to see things thru n if i cant, at least die in peace or some shit i dont.. KNOW!

[0n3-h4lv3]

10:17pm 9/7/18

FUCK yall. Heres some things that *i* have 2 say. @ morgan : i love u so much !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! U literally deserve every good thing in this entire world. You are so loving and bubbly and positive that it is Infuriating to me that you have to face any hardship whatsoever. You dont deserve that, but you are strong enough to push through it and to make the most of any bad situation, and im SO excited for your future and the amazing things you will accomolish. Youve been my best bud for like ??????? 12 years almost ??????? How badass is that !!!!!!! U are the one bitch on this planet that i truly can tell everything. Nothing on this blog would suprise ir shock u, like a bitch knows whats up bc. God i rlly truly can 100 percent relax in ur company. SOMETIMES i still worry abt dumb shit but then i tell u anyway and it works out ok. Im mad greatful for that. Even with my other besties, i think id go mad without u and our friendship. I dont always send u the most responsive texts, but i DO think abt u every day and i LOVE u 2 bits and bits and bits. I wanna have sleepovers again. And tell bad stories abt marvel and folklore characters in the dark until we pass out laughing at eachother. I miss being kids. I dont think there was a point in my life so far where i have Truly been blissful or care free, i wasnt built that way, but memmories of u and me playing and creating and laughing together are truly the happiest i have. If not for you I would have killed myself three years ago in my bedroom after school, that day that i couldnt stop crying ? I went home and i tore at my shirt and i screamed and sobbed and slammed my head into the floor, lamenting how unlovable i was, but i really did have something that kept me from giving up, and it was you! I know thats heavy, which is why im putting it here and not actually telling you, but even though liv was my big fp at the time, you were rlly my reason to live. I just pray that i can do something meaningful for you, to repay you for being there for me before i die.

Finny! : BUD!!!! Ur actually. An angel but irl. Like sometimes i see you and stop breathing for a second. And im not even talking abt that ur like hot or whatever, its like. Gosh, finn you just have this presence ? And you are simultaniously so forgiving and understanding while taking Absolutely no shit and i respect that hard. Its like rlly hard to be uncomfortable in your presence. I still manage to sometimes, because god made me and was like "yeah this bitch will never see rest of any form", but like compared to the discomfort i feel around Most people, the discomfort i sometimes feel around you is WAY less and very warm asfjgja. I wish i got more hugs from you, i know thats like Mad stupid, but theyre. Validating and wonderful and they mean a lot and feel rlly good so more of those would be cool. I miss laying w u on the couch and watchin horror movies !! I know that was just like a month ago and its not like we cant do it again, but with how busy we are and how busy Everything is im very scared that we actually wont get to, or that u dont want to. Anyway im rambling, but u DO mean the world to me, and im so so sorry if im too much or overbearing. I dont know if you know how much you mean to me ? If youre on this blog you have an idea but i dont think these posts actually paint it accurately. For the past 10 or so years ive had a pattern of latching on to people, one at a time, and putting "all my eggs in one basket" so to say. It can be a best friend, or romantic interest, or both. But regardless ! This person directly and immediately impacts my emotional state. And rn its you !!! Which sucks a LOT. Bc even outside of my shitty "favorite person" thing, you are very important to me, and your friendship is so important to me. But i havent figured out how to negate or counter the whole fp experience, and so whenever u do anything... that i could interpret as disinterest or disgust or like anything negative, it has a 50/50 chance if sending me into a panic, sometimes a full fledged anxiety attack ! And whenever you show interest or affection or anything positive, it beyond makes my day. And thats. Like weird ? And it sucks even more for you, because if you realized how strongly just the tiniest thing can fuck me up, you wouldnt even want to talk 2 me. You would distance yourself to save urself from the stress and me from the whatever this is. But i know that my brain would just pick someone else as soon as you abandon me, so i have to just keep in my head and to myself until the fp thing moves on, or u abandon me anyway, or whatever. Bc i dont want to lose our friendship. And its ok !! But it makes our friendship more complicated on my end. I unintentionally put so much stock into how u percieve me, and so you not wanting to date me for suoer valid reasons still tears at my heart a lot. Like somethings wrong with me or you dont rlly love me or whatever even tho thats not necissarily the case. Anyway. Ill be ok. I rlly will, this is something i just need to man up about and push through ! Thank u for being such a cool friend :).

MADI !!!: UGH bitch. I do love u. Im sorry im late every time u pick me up in the morning and that i complain so goddamn much. I know its unbecoming but in my defense im feeling pretty rock bottom these days and u r like a cute little ray of sunshine that drinjs too much coffee. You are so. Beautiful okay ? That sounds like bullshit cuz im ur best friend and all. But this is honesty hour. See what i wrote to finn and mj ?? Im not fucking around. Im laying it all bare. This is the post yall will find AFTER i kill myself, so im not gonna LIE to u in it. Could u imagine ??? Anyway point is: you are so beautiful, and you are complex and interesting and Capable okay ? Like ur not a background character or basic or none of that. U feel like u are, and u say ur not pretty or whatever, and its like. The dumbest shit bc if u could only see what Every One Else was getting to look at ? U wouldnt recognize urself. Also. U have an INSANELY kind heart. I cant believe u were ok with me fucking your boyfriend. I cant believe you put up with my drama. You buy me coffee ? You go out 2 lunch with me ?? You seem to take genuine interest in me, and like my company !! Its bananas girl. I dont know how i can be so vile and low and selfish and you still stay by me. I dont believe i deserve it, but ur kinda adimant abt remaining my best friend, so hopefully ill have time to become a better person for you, and 2 return the favor. I love u mads. Like, big time. Ur a rock and roll girl and id do anythin 4 ya <3

Myla !! : buddy. Oh my god. A lot of people r likr "ohh im chaotic good" or "wow shes got such chaotic energy" and its MAD bullshit. But real talk ??? U like... do have such powerful chaotic good energy. Ilysm. Ur smile is Contagious. Actually just seeing u at school makes me smile. Ur company and friendship is such a blessing. ALSO lmao ur so ??? Like coy ?? And cheeky ???? Its mad fun, ur just like a very silly very lovely bud. I know you are Also very depressed and hurting. And i hate that so much. You dont deserve it. Nothing about you has earned it, but like depression doesnt care who earns what ya know ? Anyway ur strong. Likr 4 real, and i want u to know that you can SO overcome it, and u have such a bright future okay ?? I love you ! I KNOW finny loves you! I dont know ur parents that well but they'd be BATSHIT to not totally love you. Having you in my life is like a blessing, and i rlly rlly rlly hope i can repay the good energy some day okay ? I know u dont like talking abt how ur feeling, but if u ever want to, or u think of ANYTHING i can do to help, tell me asap okay ? Bc i will not hesitate to be there 4 u, no matter how big or small.

OKAY @ all of you !!! :

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY !!! IM *SO* GREATFUL YOU ARE ALL IN MY LIFE !!! Literally i cant. Express how important you all are. Im crying and i would Literally die for any one of you. That sounds like a silly thing but it would be. An honor to actually lay down my life for the sake of any of u guys, tho im not sure how the situation would arise lol. I feel like i owe y'all so much. I also know that if i am going to get better, i cant do it alone, and i might end up asking more from u guys :(. I hate that, but im hoping you can understand and allow me to return the favor somehow someday.