#electrolocaust

[kfam-archives]

Episode 17: Give Peas a Chance

Summary: Sammy and Ben are ringing in the New Year, however things come to a head when Deputy Troy wants to bring Ben’s late Christmas present.

Characters:

Sammy Stevens

Ben Arnold

Doyle Bevins

Troy Krieghauser

Mayor Grisham

HFB III

Mr. Thompson

Pete Meyers

“Shotgun Sammy” Caller

Dusty Reynolds

Plot Tags:

Doyle’s Portal

Bemily

Co-Best Buds

Best Small Town

Transmorgrifier

Electrolocaust

General Abilene

Sugar Glider

[kingfallshistoricallibrary-blog]

Episode Nine - Jack in the Box Jesus

Mayor: Ladies and gentlemen, I promise you that while it is a terrible inconvenience that our modern electronics are out, this is not the end of the world. It could be a refreshing change of pace! Instead of reading on your tablet go down to the King Falls library and check out the real thing! And instead of texting your BFF go enjoy some pancake puppies at Rose’s and have a face-to-face chat.This isn’t as bad as it seems and it could be a blessing in disguise. [intro] Sammy: Good morning guys and dolls, you’re listening to King Falls AM Ben: That’s 660 on the radio dial. Sammy: and this is day 13 of what has been dubbed the King Falls electrolocaust. Ben: This has easily been the hardest two weeks of my professional career. Sammy: It has been tough, but Ben and I want to thank you and everyone out there listening for the continuing support of the show. Ben: We got another doozy of a show for you tonight King Falls. During our two we’ll be interviewing Maria Chandler, manager of the King Falls Apple store, and speaking about the effects that shut down this (?) business. Sammy: MMYAs well as fielding your calls and talking about whatever’s clever this evening. Ben: I miss computers, Sammy. I miss the schedule, our automated systems, my alarm clock. I’ve went through three the legal pads in two weeks! Sammy: I know, buddy. Ben: I would literally watch channel 13 if given the chance. Sammy: Wow. That’s saying a lot. Ben: I need my life back. Sammy: King Falls, how are you taking the modern electronic shut down of 2015? Are you refreshed? Reliving the mid-90s? Or are you falling apart like our dear Ben Arnold? Ben: I’d listen to boy bands to have a working smartphone. I’d wear, puka shell necklaces and sell my pod collection if you give me five minutes with my email. Sammy: Look on the bright side, Ben. You’re spending all your free time down the library, and I haven’t called you out on it, Ben: That’s calling me out on it. Sammy: Well, and you know it’s nice hearing the birds tweeting instead of @ king falls a.m., I’m not saying I don’t miss it but I’m enjoying this a little bit. Ben: It’s tearing up my heart when I’m with you

Sammy: The references are not gonna bring back your goods. Ben: Dammit Sammy, let’s just take a call from our jury-rigged phone system. Sammy: You’re live with Sammy and Ben. Cynthia: Yeah, I wanna talk about the outages. Sammy: Cynthia Higgenbaum ladies and gents. How are you doing during this electronic crisis? Cynthia: I feel the warm embrace of the chastity belt that’s been placed on society. I’m relieved, de-stressed, marvelous. Ben: Whoa, that’s, that’s a heck of a change. Cynthia: What are you trying to say, Ben? Sammy: It’s just usually- you’ve been a little.. pessimistic in the past. Cynthia: Oh, I still have problems; I’m full up with issues. But right now, I don’t have to worry about what websites my husband is pursuing, what brain-dead TV my kids are watching, I’m at peace. It’s just me and my harlequin novels. Plus with Jesus back in all- Ben: 50 shades of Cynthia Cynthia: Don’t be filthy Ben Arnold! I know your mother! Sammy: I’m sorry Cynthia, did you just say that Jesus is back? Cynthia: Have you guys not heard the news? Ben Is she talking about Jesus Jesus? Cynthia: There’s only one. Sammy: Well, I think Mexico would disagree but please tell us why you think Jesus is- Cynthia: I don’t think Sammy I know! Earlier this evening, he was spotted glowing and speaking in tongues at Jack In The Box. Ben: The one off Main Street or Red Oak Avenue? Cynthia: Ew, nobody does to Red Oak. Sammy: Jack In The Box Jesus. Cynthia: Oh, hell no! I will not participate in that blasphemy. You’re gonna get smited- Sammy: Oh, I mean, I wasn’t- I’m sorry, I’m not meaning to- Cynthia: Tell it to Satan, In hell, Sammy! [hangs up] Ben: Woah, this is big. Sammy: If you or someone you know has had a sighting of Jack In The Box Jesus please give us a call. 424-279-3858 Ben: You’re on King Falls AM. Troy: Now I know what you’re thinking: how could the second coming of God’s only son happen and ol’ Troy here didn’t clue you in. Ben: Not what I was thinking. Sammy: What do you know Troy? Troy: Well I got a suspicious persons call out at ol’ Jack in the Box around 9, So I hit the lights and cruised over to see what the fuss was about. And lo and behold, back by the dumpster with a mess of people looking on, there he was. Sammy: Now are you really telling us that you saw, or, you believe you saw the son of God and the King of Kings banging outside the Jack In The Box? Troy: Well, he was a man, somebody’s son no doubt. Bearded, good looking, if you are into that sort of thing. He had a robe on- Ben: We can solve this right now. Was he white or was he black? Troy: He was more of a greenish color. Like a glow really. Sammy: The man had an aura around him. Troy: It was shinier than the damn Fukushima foxhound fellas. Like I felt a need to put on the old aviators, but I didn’t want to be cliché. Sammy: Alright, Troy. So, work with us here you’re in the back of the Jack In The Box, there’s a uh, Jesus type guy. Troy: Just-a-ramblin’ on. Ben: Speaking in tongues? Troy: Speaking in something. The last time I heard gibberish like that was comin’ from the back of my Chevy with Shell Snider’s daughter. Sammy: So what happened next? Troy: Well a group of lucky-loos had descended as I said and since it was only me, there was no perimeter set up yet. So I started ta approach this glowing Christ and somebody, Roy Higgens if you gotta know, hollered out ‘it’s Jesus!’ and the whole parking lot just went bonkers! Ben: Well, did you speak to the guy? Troy: Damn skippy. I told Roy that this was official police biz, And he shouldn’t be squawking around like a little baby. Ben: No, Jack in the box Jesus. Troy: Oh, well no. I turned around and he was gone. Split right off into the woods I suspect. Sammy: Did you follow him? Troy: Sammy, so you’re telling me that you’d follow a 6 foot tall and glowing perp into the woods? Sammy: Point taken. Ben: So any other sightings? Troy: Well, not as of yet. But there were so many people they could have had a revival in that parkin’ lot. So I’m guessin’ that’s how word spread so quickly. And without internet too? That’s pretty damn impressive. Sammy: Is there an APB out or anything? Troy: For what, dilly-dallying around with a jumbo jack? He wasn’t doin nothin bad, just acting a fool, Lord forgive me, where he shouldn’t have been. Ben: And glowing. Troy: That’s right. Sammy: Well, please let us know if get any more info on this Troy, we’d appreciate it. Troy: You bet, I’ll be sure to keep you boys in the listen and the public informed. But if you should happen to stumble upon Jesus, do not approach, bother or pester. Just call up ol’ deputy Troy. [hangs up] Ben: ..or your local church. Sammy: Deputy Troy ladies and gents. Now we’re just going to take a quick break and hear from one of our new sponsors: Carl’s Candy. Ben: Yeah I don- I don’t think we should play this Sammy: What? Ads pay the bills remember? Ben: Folks, as a work around with all the tech issues, I went out and recorded a few spots of some of our sponsors, new and old. Emphasis on old after this one. Sammy: Ok so the audio is bad. Ben: You could say that. Sammy: This company’s paid up, they’re scheduled in one of your many notebooks let’s do this. We’ll be right back folks. [ad] Carl: Do you know why they call it a blow pop? I sure do. And if you come on down to Creepy Carl’s Candy, I’ll fill ya up! I mean in, it’ll be our little secret. A sweet tooth is a terrible thing to waste, come find a new sugar daddy to butter your fingers at Creepy Carl’s! Come in and grab a sack of Carl’s Boston baked beans while you’re at it. Oops, one fell in my pocket. Free if you can find it. Every child’s welcome at Creepy Carl’s, big mouths, small mouths, white mouths and brown mouths. We’re equal opportunity! And just because they shut down the ol’ brick and mortar doesn’t mean you can’t buy it from my van. Be sure to ask your parent’s permission first, kids. Creepy Carl’s Candy, where the suckers don’t suck themselves. [Police sirens] Troy: Carl, turn off your ignition. You are too close to the school zone. Carl: I gotta go, catch ya later

??: The mic! [End] Sammy: Never again. Ben: I tried to tell you. Sammy: I know. Let’s never speak about this. Ben: I need a shower. Sammy: Moving forward, we were just talking about a sighting that happened a few hours ago around the 9 o’clock hour just off main street. It seems quite a few people believe that we may be experiencing a religious phenomenon. Perhaps the second coming of– Ben: Don’t call it a comeback, I’ve been here for years! Sammy: Right, let’s go to the phone lines. Ben: That was good though right? Sammy: It was good. Good evening, you are live on King Falls AM. Reverend: Ask and you shall receive. King Falls-uh. It is the good Reverend Xavier “Right with God-uh” Hawthorne. Ben: Reverend Hawthorne? Are you back in town? Reverend: The one and only, and we are turnin’ the wagons around as we speak. And we’re heading back to my flock. How’re y’all feelin’ tonight, King Falls? I said How are you, feelin’! Sammy: We’re feeling alright. REVEREND HAWTHORN   Praise God-uh! Hallelujah! Now a little birdie, just chirp’n on my shoulder, told me there was a sighting. A vision. Dare I say it, eyeballs were laid on our Lord and Saviour at a burger joint in our fair city. Sammy: Yeah, about 9 o’clock here. Reverend: Could it be-uh, that our 5 week revival worked. Could it be-uh that our prayers have been brought forth the lamb of God-uh. Can I get an amen! Ben: Reverend Hawthorne w- Reverend: Amen! This miracle-uh, this sight from our God-uh, perched on a mountain of sanctity, says that he is ready to lead-uh, his most highly favored congregation back to the promised land. Have me some organ Deacon Reggie [organ music begins playing in the background] Sammy: Do you think Reggie has to wheel that thing around just in case? Ben: This is getting good. Reverend: Play it dirty brother. We are going home-uh. Take us back to Calvary, take us BACK-uh! Samuel, Benjamin may I ask you gentlemen if you have a relationship-uh with the Author of the eternal salvation; are you saved? Sammy: I’m- Reverend: The let me tell y’all, because if you aren’t-uh, I’m coming back to town, one weekend only, the Xavier “Right with God-uh” Hawthorne Experience will be wheelin’ back into King Falls Fairgrounds this very night-uh. We are hoping to get one-on-one with the Risen Christ and start preparing for Kingdom Come. But just like old Xavier, you gotta come on down-uh so we can get you turnt up with God-uh. [hangs up] Sammy: Xavier? Hello? Ben: He’s, gone. Sammy. Sammy: Well, you heard it here first folks Xavier Hawthorn’s Travelling Roadshow is coming back to town. Will Jack In The Box Jesus make his stage debut? Ben: Jesus. Sammy: Literally. Ben: Do you think we can get an interview? Would it be Mr. Christ? Or- Sammy: Something tells me that there is something more to the story than what we’ve heard so far, Ben. Ben: I get that, but this is King Falls, Sammy. Sammy: What a perfect place to make a return, a rinky-dink town with no internet. Ben: Line -dammit, there’s only one line. Uh, you’re on with Sammy and Ben. Archie: Good evenin’ fellas! Sammy: Is thi- Archie: It’s Archie Simmons! Ben: Hey Archie, how’s Princess Von Barktooth? Archie: Well, I do have news concerning the princess, and I just want to possibly recant some info from our previous call a few weeks back. Sammy: About the werewolves? Archie: Correct. Sammy: Wow, I mean you sounded pretty convinced that you saw a werewolf. Archie: And now I’m saying that maybe I was misinformed. Sammy: I think you should probably tell Troy and the Sheriff’s Office, Archie. Archie: You silly sally, Troy’s already on his way over now Ben: Why the change of heart Archie? Archie: Well, new information has come to light boys, I mean with the Divine One making his triumphant, let’s be honest, dramatic return to King Falls.

Sammy: You’re talking about the glowing man at the Jack In The Box? Archie: Let’s be real here, it’s the J-Man, of course a heavenly carpenter would pick King Falls. So many projects to keep busy with. Sammy: Uh-huh. Archie: Plus with the princess and this new information, we have to believe this. Ben: You keep saying that, what’s going on with the princess Archie? Archie: She’s in a delicate condition. Sammy: Oh, well of course. I mean she’s been through a lot. Archie: No Sammy, I mean that she is with child. Children. Puppies? There’s a bun in the $2400 oven boys! Sammy: Wait, she’s pregnant? From the werewolf attack? Archie: Well, that’s the thing, while I believed in my heart of hearts that the hillbilly beast from the trailer park had gotten to the princess, I think.. Ben: What, what do you think Archie? Archie: I mean it was dark, I know it was a full moon but I was scared and recently awakened, sleep in my eyes etc. and so on. Sammy: You don’t think it was the werewolves. Archie: I’m thinking with this new evidence and the fact that I saw a long-haired bearded man in the biblical act, yeah I think there’s a chance it could have been [whispering] the man upstairs. Ben: Upstairs from whom? Archie: Mankind! Come on Ben get with the preacher. Sammy: He’s saying that because there’s been a holy sighting tonight, which we should all be a little bit doubtful of, then maybe it wasn’t the werewolves, but the Alpha and the Omega. Ben: No! NO WA- That’s too much, Archie. You saw the werewolf. He looked you in the eye and howled at the moon. Archie: I don’t know what kind of weird things Jesus is into. Ben: No way. This is ludicrous. Archie: You just wait and see Ben. Princess may have lost her Westminster dream, all part of God’s plan. Ben: We’ve got to go Archie [laughs] you’re crossing a line that we cannot cross at King Falls AM. Archie: Judge not, lest ye be judged boys. Kardashians 3:16 or a Psalm or something. I think Troy’s coming around the bend anyways boys, laters! [Hangs up] Sammy: You know when I walk in the door every night I say to myself, ‘Nothing’s going to surprise me tonight’ And more times than not, I am just dead wrong. Ben: Let’s give the phone a rest for a moment, Sammy the record player is just begging to be used.

Sammy: Not a bad idea Ben. [notification sound] Ben: What? Oh my phone! [many notifications] Oh it’s back baby! Sammy: Me too! What’s going on? Ben: What’s up! Oh my God, I could literally kiss the apparition of Steve Jobs. Sammy: Hey, I’ve got a text here, unknown number. Ben: Ok, what does it say? Sammy: I know why this happened, I know how to stop it, we need to talk Ben: What? Sammy: No, that’s what the text said. Ben: You don’t think this has anything to do with.. Thank you, Jesus. [credit music plays]

[unofficialkfamtranscripts]

King Falls AM - Episode 9: Jack in the Box Jesus

View on Google Docs

Summary: September 1, 2015 - An alleged sighting of the Lord & Savior at a downtown fast food restaurant has the residents of King Falls ready for deliverance, meanwhile Sammy & Ben try to navigate the flood waters of this revelation.

[podcast intro music]

Mayor Grisham Ladies and gentlemen, I promise you that while it is a terrible inconvenience that our modern electronics are out— this is not the end of the world. It could be a refreshing change of pace! Instead of reading, on your tablet, go down to the King Falls library, and check out the real thing! Instead of texting your BFF, go enjoy some pancake puppies at Rose’s! and have a face-to-face chat. This isn’t as bad as it seems— and it could be a blessing in disguise.

[KFAM intro music]

Sammy Good morning guys and dolls, you’re listening to King Falls AM—

Ben —That’s 660 on the radio dial.

Sammy And this is day 13 of what has been dubbed the King Falls Electrolocaust.

Ben This has easily been the hardest two weeks of my professional career.

Sammy It has been tough, but Ben and I want to thank you, and everyone out there listening, for the continuing support of the show.

Ben We got another doozy of a show for you tonight, King Falls. During hour two, we’ll be interviewing Maria Chandler, manager of the King Falls Apple store, and speaking about the effects the shut down has had on business.

Sammy As well as fielding your calls and talking about whatever’s clever this evening.

Ben I miss computers, Sammy. I miss the schedule. Our automated systems, my alarm clock. I’ve went through three the legal pads in two weeks!

Sammy [sympathetic] I know, buddy.

Ben I would literally watch Channel 13 if given the chance.

Sammy Wow. That’s saying a lot.

Ben [softly] I need my life back.

Sammy King Falls, how are you taking the modern electronic shut down of 2015? Are you refreshed? Reliving the mid-90s? Or— are you falling apart like our dear Ben Arnold?

Ben I’d listen to boy bands, to have a working smartphone. I’d wear, puka shell necklaces and sell my pog collection,[1] if you give me five minutes with my email.

Sammy Look on the bright side, Ben. You’re spending all your free time down at the library, and I haven’t called you out on it!

Ben That’s calling me out on it.

Sammy Eh-Well- and you know it’s nice hearing the birds tweeting instead of @kingfallsam. I’m not saying I don’t miss it but, I’m enjoying this a little bit.

Ben ♫It’s tearing up my heart when I’m with yoouu♫[2]

Sammy The references are not gonna bring back your goods.

Ben [hurt] Dammit Sammy, let’s just take a call from our jury-rigged phone system.

[bg music being provided by Chet’s record player]

Sammy You’re live with Sammy and Ben.

Cynthia Yeeaah, I wanna talk about the outages.

Sammy Cynthia Higgenbaum, ladies and gents. How are you doing during this electronic crisis?

Cynthia [blissful] I feel the warm embrace of the chastity belt that’s been placed on society. I’m relieved, de-stressed, marvelous!

Ben *chuckling* Whoa, heh, that’s- that’s a heck of a change!

Cynthia [suddenly aggressive] What are you trying to say, Ben?

Sammy It’s just you’re usually- you’ve been a little… pessimistic in the past.

Cynthia [mostly calm again] Ohhh, I still have problems; I’m full up with issues. But right now, I don’t have to worry about what websites my husband is perusing, what brain-dead TV my kids are watching— I’m at peace! It’s just me and my harlequin novels. Plus, with Jesus back and all—

Ben [jokingly suggestive] 50 Shades of Cynthia

Cynthia [angrily] Don’t be filthy Ben Arnold! I Know Your Mother!

Sammy I-I’m sorry, Cynthia— did you just say that Jesus is back?

Cynthia [gossipy tone] Have you guys not heard the news?

Ben Is she talking about Jesus Jesus?

Cynthia There’s only one.

Sammy Wellll, I think Mexico would disagree, but please tell us why you think Jesus—

Cynthia [snappy] I don’t think Sammy, I know! [softer] Earlier this evening, he was spotted glowing and speaking in tongues at Jack in the Box.[3]

Ben The one off Main Street or Red Oak Avenue?

Cynthia Ew, nobody does to Red Oak.

Sammy [softly] Jack-in-the-Box-Jesus.

Cynthia Oh, Hell no! I will not participate in that blasphemy. You’re gonna get smited—

Sammy Oh, I- I mean- I wasn’t- I’m sorry, I’m not meaning to, uh—

Cynthia Tell it to Satan! In Hell, Sammy! [hangs up forcefully]

[dial tone]

Ben This is big.

Sammy [slightly reluctant] If you or someone you know has had a sighting of *clears throat, Ben laughs* Jack in the Box Jesus please give us a call. Uh, 424-279-3858

Ben You’re on King Falls AM.

Deputy Troy Now I know what you’re thinking: how could the second coming of God’s only son happen and ol’ Troy here didn’t clue you in.

Ben Not what I was thinking.

Sammy What do you know Troy?

Deputy Troy Well I got a suspicious persons call out at ol’ Yack[sic] in the Box around 9. So, I hit the lights and cruised over to see what the fuss was about. And lo and behold, back by the dumpster with a mess of people looking on— there he was.

Sammy Now, are you really telling us that— [still reluctant] you saw, or, you believe you saw the son of God and the King of Kings bangin around outside the Jack In The Box?

Deputy Troy Well, he was a man. Somebody’s son, no doubt. Bearded. Good lookin’, if-if you’re into that sort of thing. He had a robe on—

Ben [cutting in]We can solve this right now. Was he white or was he black?

Deputy Troy He was more of a greenish color. Like a glow really.

Sammy The man had an aura around him.

Deputy Troy It was shinier than a damn Fukushima foxhound, fellas. Like, I felt a need to put on the old aviators, but I- I didn’t want to be cliché.

Sammy Alright, Troy. So, work with us here; you’re in the back of the Jack in the Box, there’s a uh, a Jesus-type guy—

Deputy Troy Just-a-ramblin’ on.

Ben Speaking in— tongues?

Deputy Troy Speaking in somethin. The last time I heard gibberish like that was comin’ from the back of my Chevy with Shell Snyder’s daughter.

Sammy So what happened next?

Deputy Troy Well a group of looky-loos had descended, as I said, and since it was only me, there was no perimeter set up yet. So I start ta approach this glowing Christ and somebody— Roy Higgins if you gotta know/— hollered out “It’s Jesus!” and the whole parking lot just went bonkers!

Ben Well, di-did you speak to the guy?

Deputy Troy Damn skippy. I told Roy that this was official police biz. And he shouldn’t be squawling around like a little baby.

Ben No, Jack in the Box Jesus.

Deputy Troy Oh, well no. I- I turned around and he was gone. Split right off into the woods, I suspect.

Sammy Did you follow him?

Deputy Troy Sammy. So you’re tellin me that you’d follow a 6-foot-tall and glowing perp into the woods??

Sammy [muttered] Point taken.

Ben So any other sightings?

Deputy Troy Well, not as of yet. But there were so many people they could’a had a revival in that parkin’ lot. So I’m guessin’ that’s how word spread so quickly. And without internet, too? That’s pretty damn impressive.

Sammy Is there an APB out or anything?

Deputy Troy For what, dilly-dallying around with a jumbo jack? He wasn’t doin nothin bad. Just acting a fool— Lord forgive me— where he shouldn’t’a been.

Ben And glowing.

Deputy Troy That’s right.

Sammy Well, please let us know if get any more info on this, Troy. We’d appreciate it.

Deputy Troy You bet. I’ll be sure to keep you boys and the listenin’ public informed. But if you should happen to stumble upon Jesus? Do not approach, bother or pester. You just call up Ol’ Deputy Troy.

[hangs up]

Ben …or your local church. [dial tone]

Sammy Deputy Troy, ladies and gents. Now we’re just going to take a quick break and hear from one of our new sponsors: Carl’s Candy!

Ben Yeah I don- I don’t think we should play this

Sammy What? Ads pay the bills remember?

Ben Folks, as a workaround with all the tech issues, uh, I went out and recorded a few spots of some of our sponsors- uh, new and old. Emphasis on Old, after this one.

Sammy Okay, so the audio is bad.

Ben *sucks in breath* You could say that.

Sammy This company’s paid up! They’re scheduled in one of your many notebooks. Let’s do this. We’ll be right back folks.

[slow, creepy xylophone music]

Carl [voice is soft and creepy, like you expect from a guy who offers kids candy from the back of a van] Do you know why they call it a blow pop? I sure do. And if you come on down to Creepy Carl’s Candy, I’ll fill ya up! I mean in. [whispering] It’ll be our little secret.- A sweet tooth is a terrible thing to waste. Come find a new sugar daddy to butter your fingers at Creepy Carl’s! Come in and grab a sack of Carl’s Boston baked beans while you’re at it. Oops, one fell in my pocket. Free if you can find it! *Ben groaning “oh no”* Every child’s welcome at Creepy Carl’s, big mouths, small mouths, white mouths and brown mouths. We’re equal opportunity! And just cause they shut down the ol’ brick and mortar doe’n’t mean you can’t buy it from my van. Be sure to ask your parents’ permission first, kids. Creepy Carl’s Candy, where the suckers don’t suck themselves. [Police sirens]

Deputy Troy [through megaphone] Carl, turn off your ignition. You are too close to the school zone.

Carl I gotta go! Catch ya later [tires squealing]

Ben [desperate, in bg] The mic!

[sirens fade out]

Sammy … Never again.

Ben I tried to tell you.

Sammy I know. Let’s never speak about this.

Ben [whispering] I need a shower.

Sammy *sigh* …Moving forward, we were just talking about a sighting that happened a few hours ago around the 9 o’clock hour, just off Main Street. It seems quite a few people believe that we may be experiencing a religious phenomenon. Perhaps the second coming of–

Ben [slightly gruff impression] “Don’t call it a comeback, I’ve been here for years!”[4]

Sammy *chuckles* Right, let’s go to the phone lines.

Ben [happily] That was good though right?

Sammy It was good. Good evening, you’re live on King Falls AM.

Reverend Hawthorne Ask and ye shall receive! King Falls-uh. It is the gooD Reverend Xavier “Right. With. Gaawwd-uh” Hawthorne.

Ben Reverend Hawthorne? Are you back in town?

Reverend Hawthorne [speaking over Ben] The One and Only, and we are turnin’ the wagons arounD as we speaK-uh. And we’re headin’ back to my flocK-uh. How’re y’all feelin’ tonighT, King Falls- I said How are you, Feelin’!

Sammy [softly] We’re feeling alright.

Reverend Hawthorne Praise GoD-uh! Hallelujah! Now a little birdie, uh-just chirp’n on my shoulder, told me there was a SighTing. A Vision. Dare I say it, eyeballs were laid on our Lord and Saviour at a burger joint in our fair city.

Sammy Yeah, about 9 o’clock here.

Reverend Hawthorne Could it Be-uh! that our 5-week-revival worked. Could it Be-uh! that our prayers have been brought forth the lamb of God-uh. Can I get an amen!

Ben Reverend Hawthorne we—

Reverend Hawthorne Amen! This miracle-uh, this sight from our God-uh, perched on a Mountain of Sanctity, says that he is ready to lead-uh, his most Highly Favored, Congregation bacK to the promised land. Gimme some organ, Deacon Reggie [organ music begins playing in bg]

Sammy [aside] Do you think Reggie has to wheel that thing around just in case?

Ben This is getting good.

Reverend Hawthorne Play it dirty, brother. We are going Home-uh. Take us back to Calvary, take us BACK-uh! … Samuel, Benjamin may I ask you gentlemen if you have a relationship-uh with the Author of the E-ternal Sal-vation; [organ goes silent] [softly] are ya saved?

Sammy I’m—

Reverend Hawthorne Then let me tell y’all, [organ starts again] because if you aren’t-uh, I’m coming back to town. One weekend only, the Xavier “Right with GoD-uh” Hawthorne Experience will be wheelin’ bacK into King Falls Fairgrounds this very night-uh. We are hoping to get One- On- One with the Risen Christ and start preparin’ for Kingdom Come. But just like old Xavier, you gotta come on down-uh so we can get you TurnT uP With GoD-uh. [click, dial tone]

Sammy Xavier? Hello?

Ben He’s, gone. Sammy.

Sammy Well, you heard it here first folks. Xavier Hawthorn’s Travelling Roadshow is coming back to town. Will Jack in the Box Jesus make his stage debut?

Ben [muttering] Tch- Jesus.

Sammy Literally.

Ben Do you think we could get an interview? Would it be Mr. Christ? Or-

Sammy Something tells me that there is something more to the story than what we’ve heard so far, Ben.

Ben Tsk. I get that, but this is King Falls, Sammy.

Sammy What a perfect place to make a return: a rinky-dink town with no internet.

Ben Line- [muttered] dammit, there’s only one line. Uh, you’re on with Sammy and Ben.

Archie Good evenin’ fellas!

[small dogs barking in bg]

Sammy Is thi-

Archie It’s Archie Simmons!

Ben He-ey Archie, how’s Princess Von Barktooth?

Archie Well, I do have news concernin’ the princess, and I just want to possibly recant some info from our previous call a few weeks back.

Sammy About the werewolves?

Archie Correct.

Sammy Wow. I mean, you sounded pretty convinced that you saw a werewolf.

Archie And now I’m saying that maybe I was misinformed.

Sammy I think you should probably tell Troy and the Sheriff’s Office, Archie.

Archie *giggles* You silly Sally, Troy’s on his way over now

Ben Why the change of heart, Archie?

Archie Well, new information has come to light boys, I mean with the Divine One making his triumphant, and let’s be honest, dramatic return to King Falls.

Sammy You’re talking about the glowing man at the Jack in the Box?

Archie [softly] Let’s be real here, it’s the J-Man, of course a heavenly carpenter would pick King Falls. So many projects to keep busy with.

Sammy [dryly] Uh-huh.

Archie Plus, with the princess and this new information, we have to believe this.

Ben You keep saying that, what’s going on with the princess Archie?

Archie She’s in a delicate condition.

Sammy Oh, of course. I mean she’s been through a lot.

Archie *giggles* No Sammy, I mean she’s with child. Ch-children. Puppies? There’s a bun in my $2400 oven boys!

Sammy Wait. She’s pregnant? From the werewolf attack?!

Archie [softly again] Well, that’s the thing. While I believed in my heart of hearts that the hillbilly beast from the trailer park had gotten to the princess, I think…

Ben What. What do you think Archie?

Archie I mean it was dark, I know it was a full moon but I was scared and recently awakened, sleep in my eyes etc. and so on.

Sammy You don’t think it was the werewolves.

Archie I’m thinking with this new evidence and the fact that I saw a long-haired, bearded man in a Biblical Act— Yeah I-I- I think- there’s a chance it could have been [whispering] the man upstairs.

Ben [stern] Upstairs from whom?

Archie Mankind! Come on Ben, get with the picture!

Sammy He’s saying that because there’s been a holy sighting tonight- which we should all be a little bit doubtful of- then maybe it wasn’t the werewolves, but the Alpha and the Omega.

Ben No! NO WA- That’s too much, Archie. You saw the werewolf. He looked you in the eye and howled at the moon.

Archie I don’t know what kind of weird things Jesus is into.

Ben No way. This is ludicrous.

Archie You just wait and see Ben! The princess may have lost her Westminster dreams, but it was all part of God’s plan.

Ben We’ve got to go Archie *laughs* you’re crossing a line that we cannot cross at King Falls AM.

Archie Judge Not, lest ye be judged boys. Kardashians[sic] 3:16 or a Psalm or something. I think Troy’s coming around the bend anyways boys, laters!

[click, dial tone]

Sammy You know? When I walk in the door every night I say to myself, “Nothing’s gonna surprise me tonight” And more times than not, I am just Dead Wrong.

Ben Let’s give the phone a rest for a moment, Sammy, the record player is just begging to be used.

Sammy *chuckles* Not a bad idea Ben.

[phone pings]

Ben What? *gasps* My phone! [several pings] OHH it’s back baby!

Sammy Me too! What’s going on?

[pinging continues]

Ben What’s up! Oh my God, I could literally kiss the apparition of Steve Jobs.

Sammy Hey, I’ve got a text here, Unknown Number.

Ben Okay, what does it say?

Sammy “I- I know why this happened. I know how to stop it. We need to talk“

Ben What?

Sammy No, that’s what the text said.

Ben You don’t think this has anything to do with… Thank You, Jesus.

[KFAM outro]

[CREDITS]

References:

[1] Pogs - Pogs, generically called milk caps, is a game that was popular among children during the early-mid 1990s. The name pog originates from POG, a brand of juice made from passionfruit, orange, and guava; the use of POG bottle caps to play the game preceded the game's commercialization.

[2] “It’s tearin’ up my heart when I’m with you” - Lyrics to the song “Tearin’ Up My Heart” by NSYNC, an American boy band from the mid-90s

[3] Jack in the Box - American fast food chain, primarily along the west coast and southern states.

[4] “Don’t call it a comeback, I’ve been here for years” - lyrics to the song “Mama Said Don’t Knock You Out” by LL COOL J (also came out in the 90s)

[jammyjess]

Hey friends!

I found King Falls AM at a time in my life where I felt scared, hopeless and alone. I didn’t want to be here at all, and I thought for the most part I’d never be happy again. I’m still most of those things, but every day in King Falls makes that a little easier to be okay with. I thought long and hard about what I could manage for this, but most of all, I just wanted to say thank you. So. Here goes.

Thank you for Sammy Stevens, who is my favourite kind of character. He’s sassy and pretty and humble and full of love.Thank you for his cynicism and snark, but also for his ability to push aside his own beliefs and ideas and wants when it matters. Also, for letting him Suplex Grisham, because that was pretty neat! Thank you for the way he relates to the people around him, but especially to Lily. For a character who makes mistakes and actually tries to learn from them - he doesn’t always get it right, but he tries, and that’s so important. He’s made me laugh, he’s made me cry, he’s made me want to scream. I adore his backstory, it means more to me than I can say, but also thank you for the way you handled the events around 75. It was so meaningful. I love him with everything I have, which is why it hurts me to thank you for his pain, which is so unbelievably relatable to my own. For my own hurt that comes out of his mouth. The kind of hurt that transcends circumstances. I was in a dark place before this show, and parts of me are still there, but watching Sammy grow, and change and heal has meant everything to me. It gives me hope for better days. For Sammy, and for me too. Thank you for giving him the courage to stick around, and for giving him hope. Thank you for Benny Arnold. Who I can’t write about coherently without bursting into tears. He’s messy and flawed and just absolutely gorgeous. Seeing him grow through the years has been an absolute joy, but most of all, I love his ability to remain untainted by the horrors he’s been through. He’s still got the same heart, and it’s the best heart there is. I love his passion, his hope, his resilience. His belief in everybody around him. He remains unapologetically himself through everything, and I adore him. He is The Good, and I’m so glad we have him. Noah brings such complexity to him too, and I can listen a thousand times to a single episode and continue to feel all the things. 

Thank you for Emily. For making a strong, intelligent, badass women who’s also soft and desirable and loving. For letting her write her own story and for letting her be more than a prize to be won. She’s so good natured and considerate and thoughtful, and even in her worst moments she never loses that. Every moment she appears is wonderful and Jess KILLS IT every time! I’ve especially enjoyed phase two Emily, as her relationships with other characters become more integral to the story. Thank you for speaking out against the Frickards of the world through her, because it hurts and it’s hard but it’s so important. Using your audience for good means so much. Thank you for the thoughtfulness and care with which you consistently apply to sensitive subjects. For day-to-day happiness, for happy places and for months of quiet kindness without ever being asked. 

Thank you for Jack Wright. For the reminder to choose love (even when it’s hard. Maybe especially when it’s hard.) For the reminder that we’re all worthy of love, in all its forms. The affirmation that nobody corners the market on sadness, but also that we don’t always have to go it alone. That grief is universal, and that’s not always a bad thing. For quiet moments of humanity in the midst of absolute tragedy. For vulnerability, for heartbreak and moving forward together. For forgiveness and acceptance, and humility. 

Thank you for Dwayne Libbydale, who’s a special kind of chaos. I am again lost for words, but I love him, I love him, I love him. 

Thank you for Pete Escobar Ed Edwards Yardboy Myers and his funyuns and disdain and snark (even if me saying I love him means he’ll never listen to this show again.) Thank you for PHENOMENAL journalist Lily Wright, who is an absolute delight! She feels like the personification of grief, loss and trauma, but at the same time so, so real. Her reluctant acceptance of King Falls as home is beautiful, and I hope she gets ALL THE HUGS really soon. She’s not afraid to speak her mind, even if it means alienating the people she loves. Her shaky vulnerability with Sammy, Ben and Emily is so good, and I’m so excited to see where the future of Lily Wright lays. King Falls Chronicles was some KILLER story telling, and Candace was the icing on the cake. The acting chemistry she has with everybody is absolutely on point. I’m so glad we get to keep Lily. That she’s found home. Thank you for #DeputyDead. His unwavering optimism and willingness to see the good in everything and everybody is absolutely wonderful. 

Thank you for Debbie and RoboTim, who I still believe in, despite all evidence pointing to ‘don’t do that.’ Thank you for Maggie Masterson, an Actual Icon. And for our Man’s Man’s Man and his lil Kingsie Bab. For Regan who is a sweetheart and Chet who I hate to love.

Thank you for villains that fill me with white hot rage. Who’s actions are explained, but never excused. For Frickards and Gundersons and ShadowFUCKS and HFB3’s and Leland Hills and Ernies and Grishams. They’re different levels of despicable, and I adore hate them all. 

Thank you for ridiculous caricatures ; the Gwendolyns and the Cynthias and the Jacob Williams. Thank you for SPORTSBALL (CHOP. DAT. WOOD.) and WALL CRABS and GARBAGE BEARS and DANGER NOODLES  and every other ridiculous Benism. 

Thank you for Teareal and serendipity and redrum roses and for the inability to see the word ‘ghost’ and not correcting it to APPARITION. Thank you for Dan & Larry and boy band battles and Doyle’s Conspiracy Cavern and Devon Hamptonframptonshire. For Golden Owl, Finn and Gator Jack and Alvin and every other ridiculously loveable character you’ve created. Some of them barely last longer than an episode, but their chaos will fuel me for a lifetime. 

Thank you for Mary Jensen, who is the mom I wish I had. All moms are champs, but Mary is perfect. Thank you for Betty and Nancy and Loretta and Marigold. All who I expect deserve the praise they’re given. 

Thank you for Herschel and Cecil, who are cranky old bastards and who probably shouldn’t fit together, but they do so effortlessly. The care and compassion they have for each other is inspiring, and I too hope to have a friend like that someday. Trent is wickedly skilled, and I’m sure he hears it so often but!!!! 

Thank you for BE WELL BUDDIES and silly puns in the titles, and short jokes and RoboTim mixups and Science Institute break-ins with vigilante superheroes and mysterious callers. Thank you for love through overnight oats and moustache talk and non-binary pals. For a willingness to grow and change and learn and laugh. For the electrolocaust and my favourite threesome and for sammiversarys. For Ben posting Sammy’s bail, and heart-to-hearts in jail cells. For stupid bets and bensplosions and the fucking kickball story. For creepy dreams and technical terms, for badly timed BEEPS for awkward flirting and on-air confessions. For idiots who can’t keep secrets, let alone not talk about them on air for more than five minutes. For missing hikers and weird shadow tornados and notebooks and shooting down UFOs and death by damnation. For the SECOND BEST small town in American Celebration, for Christmas Gifts for Ben’s Mom and Jupiter Jaundice. For Ben’s monopoly tactics and Sammy’s audible eye rolls, for prophecies and ‘legend-has-it’s and for love and love and love.

Thank you for the mysteries, and for the constant need for MORE. You do cliffhangers so wonderfully, and I feel like I’ve never anticipated anything so keenly in my life. Tim Jensen, The Dark, Merv, Death by Damnation, The Rainbow Lights, The Zombies. 

Thank you for Cameron Chambers??? How does he do it?? I have no idea, but I hope he keeps doing it. Especially all them Christmas BOPS. Legendary. Jazz-Hands worthy! 

Thank you for making Zombies the F- plot. 

Thank you for the Eagle Screech in the DALE’S DOLLAR TREE ad. And all the other ads too, I guess. I don’t understand The Fucky List, but thanks for that too! Thank you for JACK IN THE BOX JESUS which has caused my internet to constantly recommend me eat at Jack in the Box, despite the closest one being literal continents away.

Thank you for continuing to choose this. For being open to sharing so much of yourselves with us. Thank you for fan interactions and live listens, Q&As and twitter replies and twitch streams and retweets and Beyond the Falls. Thank you for the love and care you show us all, which above all feels genuine. 

Thank you for being the catalyst for a community where I finally feel like I belong. Like I’m important. Like I matter. Thank you for being the reason for hours and days and weeks and months of in-jokes and teasing and theories and head canons and screaming and food talk and love. For so much kindness. And acceptance. For a space to be myself without fear. For people I feel like I’ve known lifetimes, and for whom I hope I can love for lifetimes more. For people to cheer on, and cry with, and poke fun at. For stupid nickname changes, and memes and words in reactions. For making me feel like i’m part of something much bigger than me. For a place to be passionate without judgement. For a place to just be. For friends. For family.

Thank you for the push I’ve needed to create again. And for all the others you’ve inspired too. 

Every moment inside King Falls have been an absolute blessing, but the impact it’s had on my life outside of it is absolutely everything.

Congratulations on (almost) 100 episodes. What an adventure it’s been. I’m so excited for everything the future of King Falls holds, but most of all; Thank you for making this fuckin’ mean something.

[ronbegleyformayor]

a current list of my crack kfam theories

the dark actually is pete meyers but he's working for hfbiii, mostly because hfbiii decided suddenly he wanted to eradicate petty crime from king falls

chickenfoot dickson is going to lead the zombie uprising that is definitely going to become an issue for king falls sometime in the near future

ben is actually scared of raccoons because he once tried to keep a feral one as a pet and it didn't end well

the one is actually the weird food truck (not the lady that runs it, the truck itself)

the jack in the box jesus / burger king of kings is a red herring, distracting us from the actual Lord and Savior of fast food, White Castle Christ

the electrolocaust was actually a plot between hfbiii and the local apple store to sell more iphones

the real reason sammy won't get back on twitter is because he can't remember how to log back on and now he's too embarrassed to ask

the himinists were started by hfbiii because he was lonely and bad at making friends

[ohallows]

hi here’s twenty minutes of me rambling on about king falls am and how it treats its female characters and how much i love this show! this has spoilers. and is 4.6k. im not sorry and i have no regrets

i am endlessly and absolutely impressed with how king falls am introduces, characterizes, and develops their female characters (honestly, they treat all their characters incredibly and i love them all except gwendolyn, frickard and gunderson but thats beside the point its time to talk about their main female characters because fuck yeah!). like, seriously, its so refreshing to see such a high volume of female characters being treated like this in media?? they’re all so well fleshed out, and given unique, individual motivations, and aren’t only used to further a male character’s journey, and they’re just so relatable and badass and realistic and i am in love with all of them but i just wanna go through one by one

im sorry if this is incoherent and VERY LONG

ok so like im listening to hozier and also the lily playlist while writing this so just put yourself in that mindset

OKAY SO TO START: 

ms emily potter. im love her. emily is so intelligent, and shes also incredibly sweet. but she’s also firm. she sets her boundaries, and when someone crosses them, she isn’t afraid to call them out on it. which is SO IMPORTANT to display in a female character. a lot of time, female characters might set some boundaries, but then pushing those boundaries is played off as a joke. not here, not in kfam. i absolutely love this quality about emily. when ben and greg are fighting over her, she basically says “fuck off” to both of them! ben shows up at the froggery, when emily had already basically asked him to respect her as a professional woman who keeps her word, she calls him the fuck out. greg and ben are both behaving like headasses, ignoring the boundaries that emily set for both of them (greg: ignoring that emily is 100% not interested in him romantically; ben: not respecting that emily is going to keep her word regardless of how it makes him personally feel when he hasn’t even asked her out formally)

and here’s the more important part: the writers let ben acknowledge  that he was in the wrong. emily never once comes across or is portrayed as being a bitch, being too sensitive, of playing with ben (except for by cynthia, but thats another story). emily calls ben an ass, says that she will keep her word because she is a professional, and ben apologizes. emily is in the right! hell, sammy even takes her side in this, which is so important because in so much other media, this would be played with *ben* being the sympathetic party and the men would group together against the woman. this is such a great scene because it A: perfectly illustrates the difference between ben and greg and B: shows how emily sets boundaries and is respectful, and the show agrees with her side, not ben’s. i absolutely love this scene. i love ben and emily  

she also positions herself as a professional woman who knows her shit, and she doesn’t let anyone belittle her about that. when hfb3 is on and saying wrong stuff, ben calls HER because he knows how smart she is. and she isn’t afraid to directly tell hfb3 that he’s wrong. its incredible. and, when hfb3 is rude to her, both sammy and ben jump to her defense and support her against hfb3, who’s a fucking himinist anyway and doesn’t respect women. the show, again, is on emily’s side because she’s in the right. she doesn’t let herself be cowed, and i absolutely love it. 

and then watching her and ben’s relationship grow... when the electrolocaust happens, emily is the one to be forward and be like “hmm maybe you SHOULD have come over to check if i was okay huh benny” and its both incredibly sweet and like. she knows what she wants! normally we don’t get this kind of forwardness from female characters, and it’s just a very nice departure from “man chasing woman” that we get. speaking of. after the initial hiccup at the froggery, ben respects emily’s space and boundaries. he waits for her to make the first move. hell, when emily says she loves him, he’s like “oh yeah as a friend hahahahahaha yeah right” and only kisses her after she’s made it CLEAR that she’s super into him. it’s such a great relationship that’s just propelled forward by how well the writers treat emily, and how they make the male characters interact with her. 

so... now lets talk about the gaslighting. emily kind of loses herself after the abduction and frickard takes advantage of that entire situation to get what he wants. #fuckfrickard. and emily is not blamed for this outside of ben saying that she’s smarter than this. but sammy and him never say “oh well it’s her own fault”. the fault is fully placed on greg frickard. and sammy and ben are working to help emily, and ben helps a little bit, but for the most part emily saves herself. so, this show gives us a great little story thats some people definitely need to hear. the entire gaslighting story was treated with so much respect, and it ends up in the best way possible: emily punching greg in the fucking face. we get emily taking charge of her situation and relying upon the people who actually care about her. it’s incredible. 

im gonna save the himinist thing for later. 

and then we see emily interacting with lily and it would have been so easy for their relationship to have been written off as just “oh women hate each other and dont get along!” but instead we have emily (again, firmly) kind of tell lily off for being rude and instead of getting snippy and bitchy lily is like ‘huh you know actually you’re right’ and its clear that both emily and lily respect each other and emily even says that lily is smart and that she is a professional and that she should act like it, but none of it is put in a demeaning tone. its two professional women having a real, everday conversation with each other. 

i could write like 1000000 more words about this but i need to move on 

lily wright: my WIFE. lily is one of the most interesting characters in this series, and she’s so different from emily but she’s absolutely treated with the same amount of care and respect by the creators and i love her too. she’s just as smart and intelligent, she knows how to draw boundaries, but her and emily do kind of clash because lily is vicious. and honestly with her career, she kind of has to be. but like she says, she is a phenomenal journalist. and this kind of self-confidence, near cockiness, is something that we don’t normally see in female characters. lily knows that she’s good at her job, and she’s not going to pretend to be anything less than she is in order to make another character feel comfortable. she doesn’t suffer fools. 

but its also interesting to remember that, throughout all of this, lily is hurting, just as much as sammy is. and where sammy channels that hurt into helping others (the stereotypically female role in media), lily channels all of her hurt over jack into her work, into her anger, into her determination, and she lashes out a lot. and even when she lases out, the show doesn’t portray it as simply “oh lily is a bitch” its so much more complex than that. we know that lily and sammy have history. half the shit lily says to sammy is just her calling him out for not doing more. and sammy did need to hear that (as much as it hurt him, and me). an iconic lily wright line: “you don’t get to corner the market on pain”

this is so important because, so much of the time in media, we see women catering to men’s feelings. and this doesn’t happen in this podcast. lily basically tells sammy that she deserves to feel this too. he’s not the only person who lost someone, and it’s not fair to everyone else who knew and loved jack to pretend like he is. lily categorically refuses to push aside her own suffering to talk about ~how much harder it must be for sammy~ because its not, she’s allowed to be in pain and be hurting and she’s not going to let sammy take that from her.

PLUS, whenever sammy talks shit about lily, it’s never from a place of “oh i am Man and i am Better”, he’ll talk shit about her podcast and her attitude but he never questions her qualifications. and this is somethin that i thought was really interesting. the writers don’t tear down lily’s intelligence at all. and i love that. 

i will be the first person to admit that i genuinely didn’t like lily in the beginning. call it internalized misogyny, society, whatever, i hated how she treated sammy and troy and ben and nearly everyone else in that town. but lily is smart, and she’s realistically flawed. she has a mean streak, and a very dry sense of humor (VERY relatable for yours truly), and she gets angry easily, but at the same time she cares so much about the people around her and just struggles to show it.

lily was never forced to be gentle, or speak softer to avoid pissing off a male character, or be deferential. she’s a fucking firecracker, and she embraces that, and the writers do such a good job portraying this. kfc2 gives me a lot of feelings, especially because of this particular moment: her confronting TPTB. (the absolute power that candace hammer had in her voice when gunderson called her ‘miss wright’ and she just said ‘Lily.’ WE STAN.) okay seriously though. this entire moment was her absolutely refusing to be cowed by the king falls illuminati. they were doing their level best to intimidate her, and she just fucking refused to take it. i absolutely loved this scene, because lily was one, two steps ahead of them the entire time and they knew it, and they were pissed, and lily didn’t care. she’s such a strong, powerful character. 

(also special shoutout to candace and jess in that one BTF episode talking about how women are treated in the film industry and just pointing out everything bad about misogyny and calling people out for how they expect women to perform femininity it gave me LIFE)

we also see lily be vulnerable and it’s so important because like... we see women be vulnerable a lot in media but its always like. pretty silent tears. and lily retains her personality when she’s grieving jack after troy found her wandering down the road. 

and we’re watching lily grow!! and she’s grown SO MUCH from asking sammy and ben to co-do KFC3 to moving in with them to her sibling-esque swipes at sammy now. she has that same rapier wit, that same dry sense of humor, and she isn’t afraid to let it out, but there’s less actual venom behind it. and it’s been such an interesting journey to watch her on.

again, i have so much more but i have MORE CHARACTERS TO GET TO HAHA RIP. next up! 

reagan spears. oh reagan you beautiful disaster. ok so i love reagan (she’s bi!!! yay!!!!) and she might not be the best at her job but goddammit everyone respects her anyway. this isn’t the perfect description, but i kind of really like how reagan is kind of a “bumbling” character but still manages to get shit done. and that’s not normally a trope we see applied to women in media, without them being the brunt of a joke constantly.  PLUS, she does expect the boys to respect her. see the intro: “you can call me agent spears, or spears...... or reagan but i would REALLY prefer if you didnt.” and then they RESPECT THAT, they call her agent spears for most of their interactions unless they’re worried about her. basically, she asks them to keep it professional, and they do it

first off, when we are introduced to reagan, she’s confident and kind of blustery/uppity in the way an fbi agent would be and yet shes so funny like showing up at the radio station and calling sammy and ben and hearing them and going “Ah Yes You Must Be Benjamin Because Im Good At My Job And You Sound Like Him” and then being like “yeah lets get a warrant its so sexy how the justice system works with our department” 100% seriously and then just knocking on their door, she’s so iconic i love her. 

and then she becomes the contact point regarding the spaceship (this is a little after but go with me). ben is constantly calling her for updates and they do their little verbal spars and to her credit she never bends for ben. they both compromise like, all the time. she’s a formidable force! 

and then we learn that she’s living with ernie salcedo. which is, like, objectively hilarious, but at the same time its not like “OH REAGAN YOU DUMBASS” its played as “oh no reagan maybe you aren’t that great at this job also are you okay” like as much as sammy and ben are like, incredulous that she doesn’t recognize him they’re also genuinely concerned about her. and it’s nice to get this portrayal instead of them mocking her for being dumb, or writing her off as being ditzy, or whatever. its just a good, comedic moment that reagan literally turns on its head (more on this later!) 

we haven’t had as much contact with reagan, mainly because she isn’t in the main cast, but her voice actor has some of the best timing because when reagan calls in while “undercover” and ben goes “agent spears?” and she goes “ha! ha ha! ha! ha! no.” it was SO FUNNY and unironically using “yahtzee!” i love her so much. i wish we did hear from reagan more tbh, i feel like her and lily would be unstoppable. not too much to say about her here; she’s just a very real character. unknowingly falls in love with the enemy, and doesn’t let it stop her from doing her job but we’re able to hear how it’s still affecting her. she’s able to be vulnerable while also being in charge of a situation. 

maggie masterson. maggie masterson is an incredible character because, jesus fuck, everyone can relate to her. she’s also smart as a whip and confident as hell. she knows she’s good at her job. but, there’s this dick at her workplace who is literally a member of the himinists who think that women don’t deserve equal rights. and maggie is constantly targeted by him and, to her credit, calls him out for it on air multiple times. but there’s only so much she can do, and it doesn’t seem like anyone else at fox news channel 13 is willing to pull for her. so she has to do it for herself. 

plus, she doesn’t take any of ben’s shit regarding grease. she apologizes and then she tells him that it’s been long enough, everyone was dumb in high school, and can he just please move past it. and ben just keeps bringing it up, which is fine, but maggie just effortlessly sidesteps it or gives back just as good as she’s getting. its awesome

and every single time burt says something stupid she speaks up. she isn’t willing to take it lying down. and then, when she reaches out to king falls, ben IMMEDIATELY wants to connect her to emily

WOMEN. HELPING. WOMEN. my lifeblood. this podcast sustains me. im not kidding. 

okay time to talk about the himinists

first off can i just say how grateful i am that this entire fucking sting op was carried out by ONLY WOMEN. ben and sammy were literally the backup there to broadcast this to the town. emily, reagan, and maggie all banded together to take this group down. 

first off, because emily is a fantastic researcher, she finds out about this group. starts distrusting greg. starts re-trusting��ben. reaches out to reagan. maggie reaches out to her. emily literally gets a burner phone so that she’ll stay safe during this entire project. shes such a badass! and then, together, they all organize this little invasion. and it’s done so well, and its THREE WOMEN going up an entire clan of women-haters! and, sure, they didn’t exactly win, but they did fucking scare the himinists. god i wish the camera hadnt broken, but maggie throwing it at ernie is *chef’s kiss* poetic. and also i absolutely love maggie in this, because emily is a bit more reserved, and reagan is focused primarily on ernie, and maggie is just FUCKING MAD. she throws a grenade at burt reynolds!!!! and then when reagan is like “oh lol that must be that apple replica!” maggie is like “damn if i knew that i would have aimed for his bigass head” god we stan a queen. 

and not to say that women need men’s validation to be badasses or to be good fucking characters, but seeing sammy and ben just CONSTANTLY be behind these awesome women is... so nice. So Nice. like the entire time they’re like “ok stay safe” and then they’re quiet, let emily, reagan, and maggie have the spotlight, and then afterwards can’t stop talking about how cool the three of them are. 

this scene is still just. so good. wow. thank u for my life. 

debbie. oh sweet, sweet debbie. i want to trust you so badly debbie is a SUPER interesting character. because, like, we’re introduced to her as a scared woman who has no clue what’s going on or anything and then we start to realize that she’s like... in the void. or at least, of the void. for now. she knows more than sammy and ben, and she constantly is trying to help them, and they push back against it and she refuses to let them ignore her. 

plus, each time she calls, she’s more like. pushy isnt the right word but also that? she makes sammy and ben listen to her, and it’s clear that she’s the one in charge. it’s a nice switch from what we normally see in media

debbie is also a super powerful character. like, hell, she’s able to seize control of the entire station to make ben and sammy listen to her. 

plus, even tho she’s like... involved with the void, debbie is her own person! and she genuinely wants to help sammy and ben! to quote: “it is not a part of me, and i am not a part of it.” she’s literally fighting back from inside the void to reach sammy and ben, going up against this powerful eldritch horror and winning for enough time to get a message across to sammy and ben. and she’s able to do this multiple times. like. through sheer willpower debbie is able to hold him off for just long enough. and i really appreciate that this character speaking through the void, giving sammy and ben insider info, constantly fighting against shadows that threaten to consume her, is female. the sheer tenacity that debbie displays is amazing. 

i could talk more about that but this is cresting 3k and i have many more women to talk about haha /sweats. these will be shorter

mary jensen. the strongest woman in the entire town. god, she’s such a mom. i love her so much.

mary is literally put through hell in the first damn episode. her husband (high school sweethearts!!) is abducted by these fuckin rainbow lights in the sky, and she’s left dealing with only having one income and trying to raise two young kids. and she’s a fucking rock. we get to see mary be strong, but we also get to see her be very vulnerable

and she also refuses to take any shit! when ben is like “mary why didn’t you wait for me its not safe” she just says “i am literally a grown ass woman and i can handle myself” and its a great way to show how strong she is. hell, these things took tim away from her, and she’s still out there willing to do anything to help ben get emily back, because she gets it, and at least tim came back.

and then tim comes back again. and, to mary’s credit, she literally just does an “ok fuck this, you two go figure it out. im over this.” which i also loved to see. because like... this is the point where we get mary agonizing over who could be the real tim and its tearing her apart but instead of this, we get to see mary being kind of... angry?? she doesn’t have a lot of patience (another trait we don’t often see in female characters) and she doesn’t want to put herself or her kids through any more trauma relating to those damn rainbow lights. she completely takes control of the situation! i love it! i love her!

plus, it’s just really nice to see mary lecture the boys. calling out ben for not getting a move on with emily. calling out sammy for not relying on his friends. telling them that she loves them in her own way. its delightful

cynthia higgenbaum/gwendolyn. ok so here is the interesting one. and yes im grouping cynthia and gwendolyn (the racist witch) because they serve similar purposes and this is already SO LONG. okay anyway: cynthia and gwendolyn are uber conservative, uber racist, uber misogynistic, etc. they’re terrible. and the show lets them be terrible. do you know how stereotypical it would be for all the female characters to be The Good Characters? having female villains (they’re not really villains, theyre like soft antagonists) is just as important to the story. now, having only female villains is bad, but this show does such a good job of balancing out their female characters that them being on the wrong side makes total sense

like. i have family members like both of them. minus the magic. there’s a reason i don’t go home for my dad’s extended family’s christmas party two weeks before christmas.

but i digress. the reason im including these two is that the show doesn’t portray them as being *right*. every single time cynthia or gwendolyn say something bad, people speak out against them! sammy and ben constantly tell gwendolyn that she cant say things like that. constantly push back against their rhetoric (so does emily, but usually its just sammy and ben on the line lmao). the show takes a really strong stand against them, and against views like theirs. which is also good. 

but at the same time, they treat them with respect. it’s never turned into sammy or ben calling them out for things other than their beliefs. it’s never sammy or ben saying derogatory things to them in return. a lot of the time thats something that’s also played for laughs, like, reacting to racism or homophobia by immediately attacking a physical aspect of a person, and i really appreciate how they don’t have sammy and ben take this route. 

pippa. PIPPA  MOTHER FUCKING JAMES. along with emily (and probably jack back pre-canon), she’s like the only person who can reign lily in and i absolutely love her. she’s like, just as opinionated and strong as lily and has just as much backbone and is such a competent and incredible producer that her and lily were basically able to put together this incredible, nationally (internationally?)-known podcast with the two of them and maybe one intern. amazing

she’s so fucking cool. god. and she provides this really awesome complement to lily’s fire. we’ve only heard from her a few times (sadly) and shes also a lesbian and her and her wife are probably perfect and i love them

but pippa is also super interesting because she does kind of fill the role of “caretaker” when it comes to lily, but its in a way thats very similar to how lily cares about sammy (just with less vitriol). she’s steadfast, and even when lily is being super harsh, pippa just stares her down and lets her get it out and then calls her on it. its wonderful.  

betty arnold. this show said “stan single mothers” and i agree. betty arnold is shown to be such a competent woman (mainly through ben’s eyes) and there’s never even a single comment about how she should have married a man to help raise ben (at least, onscreen) and i absolutely love it. 

plus, like, im really into how ben consistently talks about how incredible his mom is. we never get this, like teen angst with him (which makes sense because hes in his 30s) but like honestly it’s very clear that ben truly respects his mom and that betty arnold is a powerhouse of a woman. and like, everything we’ve ever heard about her has been positive. and, she has such mom tendencies. i want more about betty and sammy bonding when ben kinda lost it post-25 and also betty and sammy bonding post ep75 because she sees him as another son. 

im rambling a little bit at this point but like. i really like that this show reinforces how incredible single moms are instead of using them as a joke or saying how women need a man in order to raise a good kid. i appreciate that. 

olivia dupont. like with reagan, olivia dupont is such a strong personality and she also demands that the boys respect her. plus, she doesn’t have any shame about her abilities! like, she’s not apologetic and she doesn’t diminish what she can do! a lot of times we see women in media, they have to add qualifiers, like “sorry i know this is weird of me” but olivia is so comfortable with who she is and absolutely owns it (just like everyone else on this list). and, like, when she interacts with ben and sammy, she’s straightforward. she expects them to call her golden owl because that’s what she goes by. she calls ben out when he calls her olivia and corrects him, and then sammy refers to her as golden owl from that point on. (And later, when ron calls in, he ALSO calls her golden owl. the non-himinist men in this town are so respectful AND ITS SO REFRESHING) 

nancy potter. i dont have much to say about nancy potter because we’ve only heard about her once but im pretty sure that she could dropkick greg frickard across a field. 

also, as a bit of a sidenote, the way that ron, herschel, cecil, troy, and a few other non-main cast guys in town treat women is just... they treat them like human beings!!! there’s little to no intentional misogyny from the dudes who aren’t himinists. herschel makes a couple comments, sure, but he’s also an old dude.

tl;dr this shouldnt be revolutionary, but it is due to the bullshit we get in so much popular media these days, and im so thankful for king falls and its treatment of female characters. kyle and eric and noah and trent and everyone else in this cast drink their “respect women” juice EVERY DAMN DAY

[stolenhydroflask]

id forgotten how much i loved the electrolocaust episode.... ben singing on air.... ben saying he wouldve had to check on emily if she hadnt called (like a gentlemen)... his nervous voice.. i love them

[blackblood1872]

Oh my god, Ben

Episode 8, in the middle of the Electrolocaust, after Sammy runs off to get something, Ben is all alone in the powered down station. And he starts singing.

He’s singing Alone At A Drive-In Movie from Grease

He’s such a theatre geek, I love it

--

And in episode 9, day 13 of the Electrolocaust, Ben is falling apart, you poor kid

This time he’s singing It’s Tearing Up My Heart by N’sync

And a little bit later in this episode he sings a line from Mama Said Knock You Out by LL Cool J

Ben’s excitement when his phone comes back is so cute omg

[beautifulhigh]

Language of the Falls: Episodes 9-12

"So what did you do on your Christmas break, Miss?"

Well, kids.  I continued my over-analysis of a podcast, looking for meaning where there's probably none, and generally writing thousands of words that very few people actually care about.  Now let's look at how Shakespeare presents relationships in Much Ado About Nothing and your assignment will be…

Welcome to another edition of "the curtains are fucking blue, Jen", a seasonal edition as I'm writing this on Christmas Eve.  Because that's how I roll.  Sadly there's no singing here (although I'm more than happy to belt out a tune if you provide the backing) and I'm trying to see how long I can play "A King Falls Christmas" before my parents decide to disown me.

I'm almost done with my listen of Beyond The Falls and every time I hear them talk about layers of meanings in things it makes my tired heart a little happier because that's what I thought too.  I don't care (too much) about whether I'm right not – insert comment about the death of the writer here – because it's prompting some brilliant discussions with others about what's going on in this little mountain town. Last analysis had a 'guest citation' from Tumblr, this one has a Twitter thread.  And more than anything I love that I get to share my language geekiness with someone else.  #TwitterFive

Whatever 2018 has done to me (and it's done a lot) it brought me this show and this fandom and these guys and it's my lighthouse at times.  I hope that whatever is happening in your lives at this time it is the best that it can be and I wish for better times to come your way in 2019.

And now for the standard disclaimer with the download link:

Everything in here that's recognisably King Falls AM was, is now, and will forever belong to The Make Believe Picture Company.  The artistic fair use ramblings are mine.  Any words not mine are cited, linked, referenced, or from the good ol' dictionary by way of Google.

Look, y'all know the deal. What's not mine isn't mine. What's mine under the transformative work rule is mine.  Be nice, like proper nice, and don't come yelling at me.

So.  On with the show.

*presses play and hums the theme tune*

Episode 9 – "Jack In The Box Jesus"

Another episode opening with a different voice.  Grisham's conference is rather tellingly more focused on redirection rather than reassurance. He calls the Electrolocaust a "blessing in disguise" which sounds like something my mother would say.

I'm on the UK network o2 and on 6 December 2018 the whole system went down.  No 3G, no 4G, no signal at times.  Basically turned my handset into a £500 paperweight.  The Twitter hashtag #o2down was a thing of entertainment (if you were able to access it of course).  You'd think that the world had ended for some people but in the midst of all this there were plenty of examples of people for whom this was actually a big problem.  Lots of people needed a working phone for personal, business, or medical reasons and they were rightfully angry, worried, concerned, all of the above.  The reliance we have on technology was mocked in the hashtag with people telling us to have a face to face conversation, read a proper book, to step outside into the world…  Exactly what Grisham is doing here.

Side note: I was quite ill on the day of #o2down and there was a moment when I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to drive home.  So not having a working phone was somewhat of an issue because what would happen if I couldn't?  If I needed a parent to come and collect me?  If I needed urgent medical attention?  Made me wonder how the emergency services in King Falls were coping, how those reliant on being able to contact the outside world were getting by, and whether kids were staring at these huge things actually plugged into the wall and hearing a dial tone for the first time with something akin to wonder.

But back to Grisham. He's not reassuring anyone, he's not outlining a plan or contingencies.  He's not doing anything except being That Person™ and telling the people of King Falls to step outside and hear the birds and feel the sun and talk to a real person.  The act of trying to redirect to the benefits of this situation rather than address the issues is reminiscent of "freedom from", or Negative Liberty. They are free from outside constraints and can make choices of their own.

Or so it seems.

Sammy jokes about "reliving the mid-90s", the 'simpler' time when we played outside until it got dark and we knew phone numbers off by heart (and would sit on the floor for long conversations).  Where we looked up stuff in books and libraries and we didn't know what happened in the minutia of someone's day.  A time of newspapers and imagination and face-to-face socialisation.

A time when we were arguably less informed, less exposed to a variety of news sources and ways of life. A time when we were more insular in our experiences and conversations.  More connected to our immediate community but not with the wider global community.

(I've talked about the size of the town and how it compares to my Typo Hometown.  And King Falls has an Apple Store?  Ah, commercialism.)

When Cynthia calls in she extols the virtues of Harlequin novels.  Novels with "real, relatable women and strong, deeply desirable men.  Simple stories with happy endings".  Bless. I love that Cynthia identifies with this but to me it's the simple stories part – like the simple life they're living now in a technology-free King Falls?  We've seen Mary Jensen be portrayed as the 'every(wo)man' on the KFAM side, Cynthia is being lined up as the same on the side of the establishment. She's very conservative in her views and outspoken in her opinions and she is enjoying the freedom from without any consideration of what she's actually losing.

Even without the internet the town congregates with the news of Jesus' arrival – they pull together on their own by word of mouth.  This gives a sense of hope about the people here because when it matters most they know about it and they turn out for it.

The Fukushima Foxhound didn't seem to be a thing beyond piecing together the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear disaster and the fact that foxhound dogs are scent dogs and so used for hunting as well as rescues in places.  I broke my heart a dozen times reading articles about the animals that have been left behind when the town was abandoned and the people who continue to feed and look after them.  But in true blue curtain style the analytical part of me wants to make the following points:

1) the ruling was that the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear disaster was preventable, it was in part down to a lack of basic safety requirements.

2) there are other dogs more suitable to search and rescue than the foxhound who were primarily bred for hunting purposes.

There's a real sense of needing protection and being hunted going on here: if we are reading the Electrolocaust as an attack on King Falls, King Falls AM, and/or Ben and Sammy? Level up the basic safety, boys.

Then we have the return of Jesus.  Jack-in-the-Box Jesus.  There are so many comments and theories and whatevers about when, how, and why Jesus will return but a common thread among them all is that many of them believe that the antichrist will come before Jesus' return.

In Christian eschatology, the Antichrist or anti-Christ means someone recognized as fulfilling the Biblical prophecies about one who will oppose Christ and substitute himself in Christ's place.

OK, fine.  JitB Jesus is the antichrist, that's an obvious interpretation.  But you know who's coming back to town?  Reverend Xavier "Get Right With God" Hawthorne.  He can't not preach, he can't not jump on this.  He buys into this message and he promotes it (and his revival) and he continues the claim that he is the key to "get right with God".  I mean, that's one hell of a tag line.  Get right with someone?  Implies that I'm not right with them right now.   So here's your patent pending ten step process for gettin' right with the big man upstairs and it's all yours for a monthly fee of…

To me Hawthorne, like a lot of American preachers, seem to focus on the fervour that they create around religion.  What we tend to hear about over the pond are those who turn religion into a stage show, their own version of a Christmas pantomime (oh no they don't, my UK readers cry to the confusion of so many Americans).  Hawthorne really is trying to cash in on this and it's a hard read right now as to whether this is because what he truly believes in or whether it's an opportunity to take advantage of.  (Like Archie probably does.)

Or to distract.

Remember that Grisham's press conference was about distraction – what else would distract the town than a glowing green Jesus?

"Judge not, lest ye be judged boys. Kardashians 3:16 or a Psalm or something."

OK, not the Kardashians but Corinthians is close enough.  Corinthians 3:16 is interesting:

Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in your midst?

For an episode about Jesus' supposed return this cannot be an accident.  So.  Is Jesus literally in our midst again?  Or are we the Jesus we made along the way?  Is it literally directed at Sammy and Ben and they are the temple and so the source of comfort and wisdom in dark times, a temple that comes under threat from external evil forces?  Are the people of King Falls the ones who need to stand against the darkness that is coming?

Has Jesus actually returned and the Shadow Maker is the incarnation of the Devil?

"Judge not…" is Matthew 7:1-3.  Not even close, Archie boy.

Sammy wonders why King Falls.  In a town currently with no electronics and no internet.  Archie says that there are "so many projects [in King Falls] to keep busy with" and we know there's some epic good vs. evil battles already being lined up, in this world and another.  What's more epic than Christ and the Antichrist?  And even though Sammy thinks nothing is going to surprise him it does.  He's trying to buy in, he's trying to come to terms with it, but as soon as he gets his head around one thing or figures it out…  It's easy to see why you could get lost in a place like King Falls.  There's a rabbit warren of events and situations and occurrences and as soon as you figure out one part there's three more coming your way.

Just like how they get used to everything being gone and then suddenly it's back.  Ending on the unknown number, the mysterious text, it keeps that drama going.  The loss of the electronics and the internet and communication with the 'outside world' wasn't the problem: it's the reason and the person(s) behind it.

"I know how to stop it."

To the dictionary!

stop (verb)

(of an event, action, or process) come to an end; cease to happen.

cause (an action, process, or event) to come to an end.

The Electrolocaust has seemingly ended with Ben's excited yelp about it being back.  But that text makes us re-evaluate things.  When was it sent?  Exactly at the moment the Electrolocaust ended and so it's not talking about the actual Electrolocaust?  Before then?  And if so then why send a message you know someone's not going to get?

This isn't over.  The power is back but the mystery is just beginning.  Jesus may have returned but that's not the end of it.

Episode 10 – "Medium Rare"

Ben opens us up to the narrow- and bloody-mindedness of some of the King Falls residents.  The idea that debates about gravity and air would actually be a thing (especially in a school) gives us the sense of the ridiculousness that is (sadly) a part of everyday life.  Mrs Bodenheimer is in a position of influence and for the education that she was providing to be somewhat suspect is worrying: fine, she has the diploma, but why was she allowed to continue given her beliefs?  It served a purpose, maybe, but if you're busy arguing with someone about air then what are you not arguing about that you maybe should be?  It's the distraction again.

Ben challenged this when he was at school – leaving aside the ridiculous nature of the argument of "oxygen [being] a satanic fairy tale concocted by God-hating scientists" it takes some guts to go toe to toe with a teacher at that age.

And I know having been on both sides of that.

Age 11 and the teacher (who was also the head of the Primary school) announces that horizontal goes up and vertical goes across.  Now I haven't always been the bold, lippy, and outspoken person I am now but I knew that was wrong so I raised my hand and said, "Horizontal goes across, like the horizon".  I was shut down, what did I know?, but it got me a few points with the class because I had dared to take on Mr D.

Age 18 and I'm off at University.  First week we're studying The Tempest, a play I did at A Level.  It's the first seminar on it and people have only just started the reading so this is more of a lecture 1.1 about it.  The lecturer is going on about how "Caliban represents lawlessness and immorality" and then I hear this voice call out, "According to whom?".  And then I realise that's my voice.  Because no, this is Caliban's island and so the rules and morality concepts are his and we are imposing our view on his native ways, widely regarded as Shakespeare's comment on the Colonialism of the time.  He listened, we talked and debated for the full hour, and he thanked me at the end.

Age 27-present and now I'm that teacher.  Students challenge me all the time and I listen.  Most of the time they're wrong (my favourite was when a student told me that February didn't have that first r and wouldn't listen to anyone until I put a dictionary in front of them) but I listen.  Because I'm not always right.  I like to think that the students appreciate this and they know they have the freedom to challenge me.  (I did an entire series of lessons where I taught them why they needed to challenge those in authority once.)  All too often the easy route is to think, "well they're in charge so they must be right".  Even if they should be the voice of authority.  I make spelling mistakes, I get things wrong.  And I have students point them out to me.

What I'm getting at here is that Ben stands up to Mrs Bodenheimer because she's wrong and he knows she is.  He has the confidence to do the right thing and even though it doesn't work out for him he still does it.  His attitude in doing the right thing has always been there.

Sometimes you need to stand up and fight because it's the right thing to do.  You don't always get to survive that fight.  You don't always get to win that fight.  But that's not the reason for the fight, the reason is to fight.  (Me, Language of the Falls 5-8)

Olivia DuPont emailed the show during the Electrolocaust which means that whatever happened the effects were localised to King Falls.  A few towns over and she could email away.

OK.

Quick question.

In all of the 13 days of the Electrolocaust did no one, I don't know, THINK ABOUT LEAVING KING FALLS TO GET A SIGNAL?  Did they know that it was just localised to them?  Does anyone regularly leave the town for any reason – business, personal, whatever – and so could have had their phone spring to life as if they were emerging from a signal blackspot?  Ben so was desperate for his emails that he was willing to listen to '90s boybands and it feels like if he'd just gotten in his car and driven two towns over he'd have been able to do just that.

Despite Ben's extensive career aspirations he's clear about not wanting to be anywhere else.  The allure of the town is beginning to be established and the "hold" it has on people is evident from the first episode.  I'm not sure hold is the right word but there's definitely a draw that can't be denied.  (Me, Language of the Falls 1-4)

Given Grisham's statement was about getting on with things it makes me feel like there was a real control of the information coming out about this.  If the Electrolocaust was an attempt at censorship in the first place then this would make sense, especially with the roses in episode 12.  Did they know the extent of it?  Did they find out afterwards?  Were they discouraged from leaving like this was some "The Mist" scenario and who knows what further dangers lurk out there without the safety net of a phone or GPS or Twitter?

Does anyone have a job that takes them outside of the King Falls area?

Even in episode 75 Sammy tells Ben to take Emily and leave King Falls and it's been discussed that this isn't something that Ben would ever consider doing.  How insular is King Falls?

Olivia DuPont lives in Big Pine and they're her favourite late-night show.  KFAM has some wide appeal and one hell of an audience and for a voice that needs to be controlled that's got to be worrying.  It's one thing if the locals are listening but if you're getting support from external sources too?  The more I dig into this the more I think that the triumvirate really need to bring King Falls AM under their control to prevent any kind of opposition being formed.

When she's introduced it's with the disclaimer that she's "self-professed".  Sammy's taking a neutral approach here, a balance that is needed in the news.  It speaks to his neutral alignment I talk about later.

She can talk to deceased humans but that's nothing special.  Creating a bridge to those on the other side?  Well.  "Anyone can [do that], especially here in King Falls".  Are we talking about the dead?  Or those in the void?  There's a lot done with communication with Debbie and the Shadow Maker later on which I will cover then.  Remind me.

OK, Golden Owl.

Rather than intellectual wisdom, though, owls are connected with the wisdom of the soul.  However, there are other qualities that owl has.  Owls are often seen as mysterious, mostly because many owls are strictly nocturnal and humans have always found night to be full of mystery and the unknown.  Owls live within the darkness, which includes magic, mystery, and ancient knowledge. Related to the night is the moon, which owls are also connected to.  It becomes a symbol of the feminine and fertility, with the moon’s cycles of renewal. (source)

In general, owls are viewed as omens of bad luck, ill health, or death. The belief is widespread even today. Among the Kikuyu of Kenya it was believed that owls were harbingers of death. If one saw an owl or heard its hoot, someone was going to die. The Swahili people of East Africa believe owls bring illness to children, while the Zulu people of South Africa know the owl as the witchdoctors' bird. (source)

In most Native American tribes, owls are a symbol of death. Hearing owls hooting is considered an unlucky omen, and they are the subject of numerous 'bogeyman' stories told to warn children to stay inside at night or not cry too much, otherwise the owl may carry them away. In some tribes, owls are associated with ghosts, and the bony circles around an owl's eyes are said to be made up of the fingernails of ghosts. Sometimes owls are said to carry messages from beyond the grave or deliver supernatural warnings to people who have broken tribal taboos. And in the Aztec and Mayan religions of Mexico, owls served as the messengers and companions of the gods of death. (source)

The owl spirit animal is emblematic of a deep connection with wisdom and intuitive knowledge. If you have the owl as totem or power animal, you’re likely to have the ability to see what’s usually hidden to most. When the spirit of this animal guides you, you can see the true reality, beyond illusion and deceit. The owl also offers for those who have it a personal totem the inspiration and guidance necessary to deeply explore the unknown and the magic of life. (source)

To summarise: smart, spiritual, death.  As a pet medium that seems to be right, especially since owls are often seen as the announcer of death.  We're on the verge of getting into the real mythology of King Falls – next episode sees the introduction of Perdition Wood and the Devil's Doorstep and the shadows – and here we are with an owl heralding death.

Sammy had a terrier. Of course he did.

A terrier is a dog of any one of many breeds or landraces of the terrier type, which are typically small, wiry and fearless.

Average height and medium rage?  When he was a kid he had an animal that represents fearlessness: that bravery and strength seems to have deserted him by #68 but in a way this might show that it's still here, still with Sammy, in some way at least.

Animals are closely linked with humans, we've a long history with them right back to the first days of mankind when we domesticated wild animals to serve our needs.  (Except cats.  Cats domesticated themselves and they have never forgotten it.)  One of the reasons why we have such a simpatico relationship with animals is that we trust their instincts: in the wild it keeps us safe to see how they react to certain things (and this comes back in a BIG way next episode).  But just in case we had any doubt we get that confirmation about Gunderson.

Ben talking about a "travelling zoo" is a call back to a simpler time, when boys were boys and summers were long and innocence pervaded everything you did.  Finding the sugar glider, the joy of the first pet, the slight frisson of danger that isn't really danger.   It's the premise of every coming-of-age movie there ever was.

Serendipity is an analysis in itself.  To the dictionary!

Serendipity (noun)

the occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way.

Moving away from the sugar glider for a moment, Sammy's arrival in King Falls falls under that. The way things have developed over the past three years of Phase 1 have been beneficial for both Sammy and Ben. They have both grown together, learned from the other, supported each other.  They're brothers and have everything that comes with that, all because Jack went missing and Sammy pulled Ben in front of a mic.

As a word it was coined by Horace Walpole in 1754, suggested by The Three Princes of Serendip, the title of a fairy tale in which the heroes ‘were always making discoveries, by accidents and sagacity, of things they were not in quest of’.

With few exceptions no one is finding the things they're looking for in this show, and even when they are looking for something (or someone) they find other things.  Sammy looking for Jack is the biggie but during Ben's search for Emily we uncovered so much about the people in this town – as well as Sammy himself.

Serendipity means "the occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way"(Google) and that's exactly was Serendipity the Sugar glider was. He was a happy coincidence for Ben and Troy. He's what I think united them more, especially since Ben mentions he didn't have many friends growing up. But if we go deeper than that specifically the symbolism around how he died it goes to a major theme you mentioned in your analysis; human threats and the idea of light and dark. Serendipity is illegal in King Falls, happy naturally occurring events are illegal in King Falls. Who's the person who took away the source of happiness from not only Ben's life but from anyone who could've met Serendipity if he was taken back to a circus; Sheriff Go Fuck Himself, Gunderson. We know later on that this man is ruthless, temperamental, and scarily enough holds motivations we haven't really figured out yet. Gunderson represents the law and that morality and legality don't equate to the same thing. Gunderson takes advantage of that and uses it as a justification for throwing out a harmless pet that caused only joy for the people around him into ironically PEACE River. The symbol of law and justice threw something that stands for a natural joyful event into a river named after the very feeling that happens when Morality and Law align and reach balance. This relates to your theme because of the idea that Law usually is a way of bringing light to the darkness of the world. But here it's a human symbol of light that is causing darkness.  (@NotTim2016)

What she said.  And morality and alignment is such a big thing with these characters.

Serendipity bites Gunderson, enforcing the sense that animals know good and evil, and is pretty much executed as a result.  

Sugar gliders bite for various reasons ranging from fear, unfamiliar smells or self defense. Biting is the prime source of defense when a sugar glider feels threatened or trapped. A foreign scent or a human hand can be a scary enemy to a glider. However, once you earn their trust and form a bond with your glider(s), this type of biting rarely happens. (source)

A bond is formed between Ben and Serendipity as it talks to him through Golden Owl.  With Gunderson Serendipity felt trapped, threatened, and reacted in a very natural manner.  Anyone who has a pet knows that you need to understand why your cat is trying to claw the skin off your hand as you pet her and it's (probably) not because you've done something wrong.  To her that's playing but I've had more than a few scratches in the past that haven't been much fun for me.

What's more telling is that Gunderson was in that position of power, that he had the badge and the responsibility all those years ago.  Whatever position he's in now as sheriff he has taken his time to cultivate it and make it into whatever he needed.  Or wanted.

This is echoed when Golden Owl makes a comment about her "business licence is up for renewal so don't make waves".  There's a real sense of the power and control that Gunderson and the triumvirate have, not over King Falls but the surrounding areas.  If she's in Big Pine, outside of the effects of the Electrolocaust but not the influence and power of those she shouldn't upset?  Just how far does their reach extend?

I've seen an alignment chart for the characters on Tumblr and there's plenty of things to look into here. As a man of Law Gunderson should be in that alignment:

"Law" implies honor, trustworthiness, obedience to authority, and reliability. On the downside, lawfulness can include close-mindedness, reactionary adherence to tradition, judgmentalness, and a lack of adaptability. Those who consciously promote lawfulness say that only lawful behavior creates a society in which people can depend on each other and make the right decisions in full confidence that others will act as they should. (source)

Insert hollow laughter here.

Good characters and creatures protect innocent life. Evil characters and creatures debase or destroy innocent life, whether for fun or profit.

I think we're getting a pretty clear idea of where Gunderson falls here.  But this is an interesting one:

People who are neutral with respect to good and evil have compunctions against killing the innocent but lack the commitment to make sacrifices to protect or help others. Neutral people are committed to others by personal relationships.

I couldn't quite figure out if Sammy is neutral or lawful at the moment (either in context of #10 or #76). He's not gunning for the fight but he'll have it if they bring it.  He's got his sense of right and wrong and acts accordingly but it's the relationships that matter to him.  It's Ben that matters to him.  And then I saw this:

Lawful Neutral- A lawful neutral character acts as law, tradition, or a personal code directs him. Order and organization are paramount to him. He may believe in personal order and live by a code or standard, or he may believe in order for all and favor a strong, organized government. Lawful neutral is the best alignment you can be because it means you are reliable and honorable without being a zealot. However, lawful neutral can be a dangerous alignment when it seeks to eliminate all freedom, choice, and diversity in society.

There's Sammy.  He does what he believes is right.  He doesn't disbelieve DuPont's ability but he doesn't believe it without evidence.  He acts on his own moral code and he won't let anyone tell him otherwise (lookin' at you Gwendolen the Racist Witch and Cynthia).  He fights for what he believes in and he supports those who he thinks deserve it.  He operates within the rules and frameworks as he's leaving the shock jock persona behind him.  He wants a government that is strong and stable, that is looking to do right by the people against "the establishment".  He supports Ron and Troy in their respective campaigns because they're good people.

If you detach for a second you could also apply this to Gunderson – remember that every villain believes themselves to be the hero in their story – as he's got his own personal code and standards.  He certainly favours the government and the rules.  And any choice or diversity is seen in a negative way…

The triumvirate can have links to the law if you view them in line with the three branches of government: legislature (makes the law – Grisham and/or HFB3); executive (enforces the law – Gunderson); and judiciary (interprets the law – Grisham and/or HFB3). The corruption of government I talked about when analysing #2 comes back in a massive way as we start to see just how rotten the branches are.

The juxtaposition of Gunderson and Sammy makes this all the more interesting and compelling.  Sammy engages the community through dialogue (literally).  Gunderson interacts through action.  Both have supporters and detractors, both have power, both have victories and losses. Both are doing what they believe to be the right thing for those around them.  But Sammy is our audience surrogate and so our view is skewed against Gunderson.  We'd see him as evil neutral at best but that's a matter of perspective.

Like why the curtains are blue.

Episode 11 – "Ringin' Hell's Doorbell"

The time is 4:44 am and they mentioned something specific so I'm Googling that:

Although it can have different meanings for each person, you should know that waking up at 4:44 a.m. is a general message that you’re safe and protected in your life choices. There is no wrong or right decision, and the path you choose will take you one step closer in the direction of your life purpose. Trust that everything is being revealed to you at the right time for your soul’s growth.

In numerology, the number 4 comes with an important message. And when you’re seeing number 4 in patterns such as 444, we’re talking about a divine message from higher realms

Repetitive number patterns, such as 444, are signs that you’re not alone — you have a spiritual team with you. (source)

*takes a deep breath*

OK, so path as a metaphor is life and this is the episode that changes everything.  We go from wonderfully weird to sleeping with the lights on and this is where their lives are going to take Sammy and Ben. Perdition Wood, Devil's Doorstep, the shadows.  Everything is linked back to that and this is the path that Sammy is walking down. It's clear from #68, #72 and #75 that Jack is everything to Sammy and so seeing him in the "life's purpose" role isn't too much of a leap.

Things "being revealed to you at the right time" is such an important thing, not just for the drama of it all but also because we need to be ready.  If episode one started with Sammy announcing on the air he was looking for his fiancé Jack, anyone seen him then it wouldn't have gone the way that it has.  Ben wouldn't be working on a notebook, the town wouldn't rally behind Sammy and want him to stick around because he's part of the community now.

I talked about Sammy being fronted up with the reality of King Falls with an abduction on his first night and how he needed to see it, right from the word go, if he was ever going to have a chance of buying into what King Falls is.  And over the ten episodes between then and now he's had a drip feed of zombies and werewolves and vampires and abductions.  But all of that is tame, it's the stuff of '90s drama shows and B movies.  It's not something that's going to have anyone obsessing over sounds and messages and disappear into thin air.

Coming to King Falls after Jack wasn't the wrong choice, it wasn't the right choice.  It was a choice that Sammy made and there are consequences – good and bad – as a result of that.  He's definitely not alone though, even if he feels it sometimes.  Spiritual, otherworldly, whatever you want to call it. Sammy's building a home here in King Falls and he's making the kind of friendships that will be the defining ones in his life.

Ben talks about taking the Mission Apparition guys to the "slaughterhouse off Cotton Tail Hollow" and I just…  Watership Down anyone?  Or maybe Cotton Tail, Flopsy and Mopsy.  Peter Rabbit.  Keep my childhood away from the slaughterhouse, OK?  Leaving aside that there's a Cottontail Hollow in GA it does evoke nice, fluffy, happy memories right before tazing them and providing you with your Sunday lunch.  Or being terrified of the General and singing "Bright Eyes" at the top of your lungs.

But then there's the call and there's a tape and this station's archaic nature helps them out once again.  Rotary phones and record players and now a cassette tape.  I wonder if part of the upgrade in #76 has MiniDiscs…

There's another name: Stealth Ridge Trail.

To the dictionary!

stealth (noun)

cautious and surreptitious action or movement

If you are approaching the Devil's Doorstep then being cautious is pretty much a given.  Given Ben's response to even being near that region then it makes sense that you would be secret in your plans.  And when a town like King Falls has a place that no one should even talk about, let alone go near?  You know it's Something Serious™.

"…tall tales surrounding the 'Devil's Doorstep'."

This is the cautionary tale to end all cautionary tales.  Ben talks about them being "tall tales" but there's an undercurrent of belief going on there.  The sense of unease builds: there's no wildlife in the woods.  As I mentioned before we trust animals because their instincts can warn us of things we have yet to realise.  If there's no wildlife here then that's because there's something else that they don't want to be around.

That unease is developed further when Ben Arnold, King Falls paranormal expert, won't even talk about this.

"… you don’t even talk about it, much less go there… AND we don’t joke about it."

The boonies stems from the boondocks:

…an American expression that stems from the Tagalog word bundók ("mountain"). It originally referred to a remote rural area, but now it is often applied to an out-of-the-way city or town considered backward and unsophisticated. It can also designate a 'mountain'.

King Falls: remote, rural, mountains.  The radio station is unsophisticated and I've already talked about the seeming lack of "progress" in this town which has it almost feeling out of step. And this is the remote within the remote.

Over the tape we hear voices, singing, and whispers, all forms of communication but it's unclear as to who or what they are trying to communicate.  But language and communication isn't just about information, it's about control and manipulation and temptation.  It's never made clear whether Lance can hear what's being said – later episodes would suggest that he probably could – but that, and the music that may or may not be diegetic, all serve to add real credence to Ben's desperation to shut this down.

When you have a Big Bad™ that destroys everyone in its path that's one thing.  But when they discriminate and sometimes you don't get taken? That's somehow worse.  Something is keeping Lance from the gate (which foreshadows Sammy in #75 in a way) because we're now developing an awareness that there's a conscious being behind this.  They take and control who and what they want.  It's a choice, a hand-picked selection.  They reject Lance and when he pushes it he's not set free or allowed to return.  The shadows take over Cecil's house and they get him in the end.

They don't want Sammy so he doesn't get to go.

But back to Lance because he's warned to turn back and he doesn't.  Ben tells Sammy that "nobody's ever seen [the Devil's Doorstep]".  So… how do we know about it?  Survivors tell stories.  Survivors are the ones who allow the warnings to be passed on.  There's the information within KFC3 about Beauregard and his children which could have been the first instance of the warning but for it to survive with very little alteration over the years means either it's so powerful of a warning you don't change it, or there's something keeping that warning current.

But my big question is this: is Sammy the first to see the Devil's Doorstep and return?

Perdition Wood is named for the first time.

perdition (noun)

(in Christian theology) a state of eternal punishment and damnation into which a sinful and unrepentant person passes after death.

complete and utter ruin

Yeah, ruin, desolation, yadda yadda.  But there's that link to death, punishment, damnation which not only would Harrison be in after the loss of his children but also ties in with what we hear when Debbie calls.

So what's the sin? Belief?  Disbelief?

The tape plays on its own, this is distinct from any technology so I think we can discount Merv flipping switches from whatever office he resides in.  Also tape players are a very physical thing: this isn't a touch of a button and completion of electric circuits.  This is actual moving parts.  (Kids, ask your parents.)  Whatever is controlling this wants it to be heard and so the warning is heard far and wide once again.  For whatever reason the warning about Perdition Wood and the Devil's Doorstep needs to be reiterated for a new generation.

Lance talks about it being cold which would seem to be at odds with any concept of hell.  Unless you're Dante.

Inferno, the first part of Dante's Divine Comedy that inspired the latest Dan Brown's bestseller of the same title describes the poet's vision of Hell. The story begins with the narrator (who is the poet himself) being lost in a dark wood where he is attacked by three beasts which he cannot escape. (source)

The further you go the colder it gets.  The more you sin, the further you go.  With any sin you have a chance of redemption, of salvation, because all you have to do is repent and ask forgiveness.  So in theory the only people who end up in hell are those who do not repent.

The last Ninth Circle of Hell is divided into 4 Rounds according to the seriousness of the sin though all residents are frozen in an icy lake. Those who committed more severe sin are deeper within the ice. Each of the 4 Rounds is named after an individual who personifies the sin. Thus Round 1 is named Caina after Cain who killed his brother Abel, Round 2 is named Antenora after Anthenor of Troy who was Priam’s counselor during the Trojan War, Round 3 is named Ptolomaea after Ptolemy (son of Abubus), while Round 4 is named Judecca after Judas Iscariot, the apostle who betrayed Jesus with a kiss.

Cain – betraying your brother.  Anthenor – betrayed his home and contributed to the fall of Troy1.  Ptolemy – betrayal of those who put their trust in you (murdered his father-in-law and two of his brothers-in-law).  Judas – ultimate betrayal.

With all the analysis of rules and enforcement and the sense of right and wrong it makes me wonder how cold it actually was.  Because the concept of betrayal is all the way through this show: Ben's notebook and "Who is Sammy Stevens?"; Jack and Sammy running off together leaving Lily behind; Troy and Ben and Serendipity and Peas the 'cat'; the Mayoral election voter fraud and Troy being run off the road; the abuse of power; Frickard's gaslighting of Emily; Tim or Not!Tim or Tim 1 and Tim 2 or whatever but basically you think it's him but it's not…

 1 You know how I talked about how there would need to be a death at some point in the impending battle?  You know how Eric is desperate to kill off Troy?  And if you've heard BTF then you'll know the circumstances in which Kyle would entertain that?  This is the first time I really really really really really really want my analysis and interpretation to be so far off the mark.  Feel free to weigh in on this, gentlemen.  Please.  Slide into my DMs and tell me that I'm wrong.

 Sammy and Ben can't stop the tape.  Once you've started something you can't walk away.  You need to see it through to the bitter end.  And what an ending for Lance it is.  We have no answers, only questions.  Who found the tape?  Who else has been up to the Devil's Doorstep after Lance's attempt at a "ding dong ditch"?  How did it end up at the station?  Why did it play on its own?  Is Troy a gonner?

Episode 12 – "All The Pretty Flowers"

Welcome to the Sammy and Ben show.  Officially what it's pretty much always been: theirs.  And Sammy is late, again.  Two episodes in the space of 12 and once again it's something in King Falls that gets in his way.

"Okay, I can see you slashing at your neck furiously and shaking your head no, but the audience can’t. So, what’s the issue?"

Sammy isn't stupid. He knows what this means.  But he's not letting it go and he's calling Ben out because no, he wants to talk about this.  I mean, sure.  Two weeks ago you played a haunted tape that Ben wanted to shut down as soon as Perdition Wood was mentioned and that ended well.  But the role of the audience insert is to keep the listener in the loop so Sammy calls out Ben and we find out what he knows about the roses.  He's openly seeking information again – Sammy Stevens is buying in.  Or at least trying to.

Roses, traditional symbol of love and devotion.  White?

White has ever been a symbol of innocence, of a world unspoiled and untarnished. The meaning of a bunch of glowing white roses is innocence and spiritual love. The white rose glorifies a love that is unaware of the temptations of the flesh and resides only in the soul. As opposed to the red rose that speaks of passionate promises, the meaning of a white rose is in its simplicity and pristine purity. (source)

It's also worth noting that honor, admiration and adoration are all linked to white roses, which is why they are frequently seen at a memorial for the departed. (source)

Spoilers: this is being used as a way of the triumvirate/King Falls Illuminati bringing people and businesses under their control.  Their reasons for doing this will 100%, in their mind, be good reasons.  Simple and pure and focused on doing some great task or deed for King Falls and its people.  They won't just invite anyone into whatever club they've got going on; it'll be because said people will be worthy in some way, either in terms of what they can provide or who they are.  Such as someone who is widely honoured, admired, and adored for example?

It's a simple statement with a simple request: join us.

HFB3 weighs in on this, calling them "millennials".  For us oldies that's become a bit of a by-word for anyone younger than us.  Even though the oldest millennials are in their mid-30s it still evokes an image of teenagers and young adults who are busy shouting at the world because they don't like the way it is and feel that it should cater to their every whim and need.  Thank you, media coverage, for putting that perception out there.

couth (adjective)

cultured, refined, and well mannered

I mean, yeah.  Kids today amirite?  When I was a teenager I wouldn't dare do any of the things they do these days. They're spoiled and selfish and have no respect for authority.

“The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers.”

Ah, good ol' Socrates. Dropping truth bombs about "kids today" 2,500 years ago.  HFB3 dismisses their opinion along with the tooth fairy (myth), the illuminati (probably a myth, idk), and equal rights for the sexes (wait, what?).  Moving from the ridiculous to the sublime again in a rule of three with the first one setting the tone.

The standard invitation is a bunch of roses.  One bunch. Hey, we like you (probably) and we want you to come and play with us.  There's probably going to be a whole bunch of rules and maybe some secret handshake and there's going to be a party line that you need to toe.  But it's for these really good reasons and we're working towards this outcome which is going to be the best for King Falls.  So come on down and play!

Sammy and Ben get a car park full of them.  That's not a bunch each, that's more roses than I can imagine.  Even the smallest car park isn't that small and so that's a very different message.

Rejecting one bouquet leads to ruin: financial, emotional, physical.  What are the consequences of rejecting a sea of them?

It would seem like overkill until you realise that this is probably the third attempt to bring King Falls AM into line.  They've tried the friendly approach in #3.  They've tried the brute force shut down in #8.  And now, when none of that has worked, they try and invite them in. Keep your enemies close an' all that. They may be an outlier when it comes to the news, and we later get confirmation that Channel 13 is very much in their pocket, but the impact and effect that this late night radio show is having on the town is clear.

Merv owns the station. Merv may or may not be working against the boys.  There's arguments for and against which I've discussed before.

This to me confirms that he's not.  If he were already in the Red Rum Roses group then shutting down Sammy and Ben or bringing them into line would be easy enough.  In later episodes the triumvirate go after the people in their lives, not them, and while there's power in that it's not the most effective way of silencing a detractor.  If nothing else Merv could not offer Sammy a new contract and move Ben back to producing Chet's show.

But if Merv is on their side then the roses make sense.  And I don't think they're just for Sammy and Ben.  That many send a message: join us or else.  All of you.

Whatever it is that Ben and Sammy are doing, whatever path they're walking down, some pretty big people in town don't want them doing it.  Given the alignment of Gunderson and the alliances with HFB3 and Grisham a very clear good/bad dichotomy is beginning to be formed in this little mountain town.  In #11 we find out just how big the external threat is and now we find out that the internal threat isn't any less serious.  It's a different kind of terrifying and it's not any less real.

If you've made it this far then know I'm about 20,000 words deep and 12 episodes in.  With 64 episodes (plus three KFCs) to go as of today's publish date (24 December 2018) it'd be nice and in the spirit of the season if you sent me a little love for this.  Come say hi.  I promise I'm nice (unless you've not done your homework).

Jen

Twitter: @jennyreyn

Tumblr: beautifulhigh

[kingfallstranscripts-blog]

Episode 17: Give Peas a Chance

Ben: I’m just saying, it’s a new year! Maybe we shouldn’t be talking about the same old subjects. Let’s take out a new lease on life…turn over a new leaf.

Doyle: And I’m just saying, Ben, that if there is a portal leading into my bathroom, and there is, then maybe more people should be aware, man.

Ben: I can’t…I can’t handle this. This is you, Sammy.

Ben: Not Ben! I mean, I am done! Nothing is happening in your house, Doyle!

Doyle: To be so open minded, you sure don’t want to expand your horizons and work with me here, Ben-Tin-Tin.

Ben: I usually only talk to people about real subjects, Doyle.

Doyle: Oh, it’s real. Real as can be. You’re just being a naysayer.

Ben: I’m not a naysayer.

Doyle: Oh-ho-ho, you’re naysaying for sure, bro.

Ben: I’m not a – Sammy, I can’t.

Sammy: Doyle, let’s get back to this portal or we’ll need to part ways for the evening.

Ben: Or forever.

Doyle: Alright, I feel you. So, I got this portal in my house, right. Craziest damn thing you ever saw.

Ben: And sometimes…late at night…

Doyle: You get it, boss man. So sometimes late at night, I wake up and gotta take a leaky-deaky, and it’s just sitting there in the bathroom door just a shimmerin and shiny. Looks like Willy Wonka just left a big fat golden ticket hangin in my door way.

Sammy: Uh-huh…

Doyle: Well. I only got one water closet, boys, and nature is a-callin. So, I pass through it and it’s all like SHHHEEERRROWOWOW –

Sammy: And *heavy sighs* Doyle, where does this portal transport you?

Doyle: That’s the thing… it takes me to my bathroom.

Ben: THIS IS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.

Doyle: But it’s not my bathroom… it just looks like my bathroom.

Ben: Because IT’S YOUR BATHROOM.

Doyle: Na-hooo, things have changed, bros…

Sammy: What’s changed?

Ben: You mean, other than listeners changing the station, Sammy?

Doyle: I can feel your negativity, Ben, and it’s comin in way hot. Like a bagel-bite fresh out of hell’s toaster. You’re harshin me, Ben.

Sammy: What is different after stepping through, Doyle?

Doyle: It’s like I’m in an alternate universe, Shot-Gun. I do my biz and I go to wash my hands, right? And AHYAYAYAYEBAWB0W- HOT IS COLD, COLD IS HOT. It’s done freaky Friday switcharooed me.

Ben: Jesus… BYE, DOYLE.

Doyle: Everything is reversed until I step back through the portal, boys.

Sammy: Okay, you know, thanks for calling and sharing, but –

Doyle: Oh-ho-ho. You don’t believe me…

Ben: NO! I don’t believe you! I think you’re stoned and sleep walking.

Doyle: Yeah? And I think you’re naysaying. Ain’t ever gonna bag Emily Potter like that, bro.

Sammy: Have a nice night.

Doyle: Totes. *hangs up*

Ben: Bag Emily? *scoffs* What’s that even mean?

Sammy: Okay, moving forward…

Ben: Right! Moving forward! Uh, we got some good stuff coming at the 5 o’clock hour. Jeanie Sherman from the King Falls Doggy Daycare will be chiming in on how to get your pets out of their post-holiday funk.

Sammy: That’s a thing?

Ben: That is a thing… I guess.

Sammy: Alright. Depressed dogs at 5am! We’re with ya. What do we have on tab now?

Ben: Uh, well – I mean…I kind of scheduled us a free period. I wasn’t sure if we’d blow through the Christmas Break news and… we did.

Sammy: Well we can only talk about Ms. Baker failing to make the world’s largest ginger bread house so much…

Ben: I agree, but it’s not particularly her fault. Apparently, the Williams Boys went in and ate a lot of load baring beams, so it was bound to come down.

Sammy: *laughs* Okay, give us a call, Kings Falls. Tell us how your holiday went and how you’re gonna kick ass on that New Year’s resolution.

Ben: We’re open to just about anything, folks! 424-279-3858 or give a tweet on the ol’ twitter machine.

Sammy: Looks like we got a taker already. Line 7, welcome to Kings Falls AM with Sammy and Ben.

Troy: Hey, fellas.

Ben: WE’RE BUSY, Troy.

Troy: You know dang well I’m listening right now and you two are just dilly-dallying until Ms. Sherman.

Sammy: How’re doing this evening, Troy? Keeping the mean streets of King Falls safe this evening?

Troy: Actually, it’s an off night. I was hoping I could come swing by the station and give Ben a little somthin…

Ben: Still this? Just leave it at the door and go!

Sammy: Ben!

Ben: Sorry, say hi to Sammy…and leave it at the door and go.

Sammy: Troy, we would love to have you in the studio to hang out. How far out are you?

Troy: Couple minutes away, Sammy!

Ben: You were already driving up here?

Troy: Well, yeah…just in case. *weird squeaking animal noise in the background*

Ben: What’s that noise?

Troy: I don’t hear nary a thing, Ben. See ya soon, buddy. *hangs up*

Ben: In studio, Sammy?

Sammy: He’s bring you a present.

Ben: Like the present Storm tried to bring us?

Sammy: Let’s hope not…

Ben: Let’s just… go back to the phones before he gets here.

Sammy: Power through, buddy. Line 7 again, you are live in King Falls AM.

*knocking on door*

Ben: Jesus! Already?!

Sammy: I’m gonna grab the door, you grab the call.

Ben: I’m gonna make an executive decision and just move the break to here. Be back in a minute!

(Commercial starts with political-type music)

Narrator: In two weeks come join King Falls AM at the Main Street Park for a special presentation.

Grisham: Hi, I’m Mayor Steven Grisham, and it’s that joyous time once again, folks. Come join myself, the King Falls Chamber of Commerce, and all our wonderful residents in commemorating a very special day in King Falls history.

Narrator: You are cordially invited to join us in celebrating our wonderful town being voted The Best Small Town in America by the King Falls Chamber of Commerce for the 7th straight year.

Grisham: Come on down Friday, January 15 and help us kick off another amazing year in our lovely town. There will be live music, fun and games for the kids, that weird food truck, and a special announcement by yours truly.

Narrator: The festivities begin at noon with a special ribbon cutting ceremony hosted by Mayor Grisham and King Falls AM’s own Sammy Stevens and Ben Arnold.

Grisham: So, come join the biggest party of the year! And let us all hope big number 7 is our lucky number:

(Welcome Back to 660 theme plays)

Ben: I’m not opening it! I-I don’t care!

Sammy: Can you guys please adult a little better?

Troy: 10-4, Sammy.

Sammy: Did you hear that ad, Ben?

Ben: Hear it? I had to help edit it.

Sammy: How do we get roped into hosting that rigged get together with Mayor Grisham?!

Ben: I told you about that…

Sammy: You most defiantly did not tell me about that.

Ben: Oh, I absolutely did! Because I didn’t know how you were gonna feel about being on stage with the Mayor… and Merv emailed and said we had to? So I was worried about the wording and – DAMMIT. I didn’t send it…

Sammy: I don’t wanna do this. You know how I feel about the Mayor and that ridiculous voting –

Ben: Sammy! Can you please adult a little better?

Sammy: *under his breath* Dammit.

Troy: Oh, you’ll have a grand old time, Sammy! All the residents come out block party style. There’s some damn good food and some damn good fun.

Ben: Yeah, Sammy. Plus, if you hang out a bit Chet usually gets plastered and starts playing saxophone and hitting on the soccer moms.

Sammy: Oh, so it’s just regular Chet.

Ben: Yeah, but in a public setting.

Sammy: It sounds like the best fake party a town could throw -

(Lots of static and cutting out – picking up on another transmission)

Ben: *between static barely audible* Don’t be like that, Sammy.

Beauregard’s Worker: *on another signal cutting in through the static* Yeah, it’s almost ready.

Beauregard: *through static* I don’t care how hard it is! Just make it work!

Worker: I’m on it sir, but, uh, last time we pushed it to the limit, i-it knocked the whole town off the grid for weeks!

Beauregard: Don’t tell me what it did. Show me what it can do. Do you need help moving that? Celestia! Wake the yard boy and have him help Thompson and this gadget.

Thompson: It’s okay, we don’t wanna move it until it’s ready –

Beauregard: I will not have this eyesore in my east wing for another night! Either it’s ready or it’s moving.

Thompson: I – uh, I’m sorry! It’s j-just not ready. Between this and school starting back up, I’m doing all I can!

Beauregard: Do more! You’re amassing a small fortune and my patience is growing thin…

Pete: Hey, Mr. B…  *yawns* What can I do ya for?

Beauregard: Don’t just stand there! You simpleton! Help Thompson move the signal transmogrifier into the –

Pete: Ohhhhh! Is that the thing that caused the Electrolocaust?

Ben: *cutting back into transmission* Okay just because he can sit in on us doesn’t mean I have to open his late Christmas present.

Sammy: Guys, please! Take a couple calls and maybe you’ll change your mind.

Ben: What is this stupid thing anyway? This is a ploy!

Troy: I left it in the car, Ben. I don’t think you should be opening it live on the air, anyway.

Ben: Oh, I don’t think I should open it up at all. But let me tell you, if I’m opening your dumb gift, it’s gonna be live!

Sammy: GUYS! More phone calls, less arguing.

Ben & Troy: Sorry.

Sammy: Line 11 welcome to King Falls AM with Sammy, Ben, and special guest… Deputy Troy.

Troy: That’s off duty Deputy Troy tonight.

Caller: Hey,Shot-Gun!

Sammy: Hey…you…

Caller: Don’t wanna take up a slew of your time, Shot-Gun, but I think you guys just had your frequency hijacked or something.

Ben: What do you mean, sir?

Caller: Pirates! I was listening and then it just cut into something else!

Sammy: The commercial, you mean?

Caller: Don’t be silly! I know a paid advertisement when I hear one, Shot-Gun!

Ben: What was it? Music? What’d it sound like?

Sammy: Are you sure you’re tuned in properly?

Caller: Ha! And yes! It was just science-y sounds... just trying to do a service to my favorite AM station in the whole wide world! Haha! And I did!

Sammy: Uh-huh…okay, buddy, well thanks for letting us know.

Caller: Anything for the show, Shot-Gun!

Ben: Dude are you still –

Caller: Shot-Guuuuuuuuuun (makes noise like a car engine) Shammy! *hangs up*

Troy: I like that guy.

Ben: You would…

Sammy: Lucky Line number 1.

Ben: You’re live on King Falls AM with Sammy and Ben. Nobody else.

Caller: Boys I’m lost as can be. Like a grown man at a Miley Cyrus concert. Lost, I tell ya.

Ben: I guess we can try to help. Where you at?

Sammy: It’s Sweetser Forrest, I just know it!

Caller: I was headin up to my mama’s old place. I used to live up here in King Falls, but I’ll be damned if Abaline didn’t get me.

Ben: Hey! Good job, Sammy!

Troy: Who’s this we’re speakin to? You sound awfully familiar, friend.

Caller: Well hell yeah I sound familiar, Troy! You might know me back from my number 1 smash hit in 2003 “She Ain’t Worth the Car She Drove Away In”

Ben: NO WAY!!!!!

Troy: I am not believing this.

Ben: Dusty Reynolds?!

Dusty: As the census says, the one and only! How you fellas, doin?

Ben: Better now, man!

Sammy: I’m sorry. Who’s this we’re excited about?

Ben: This guy is a bonafide King Falls LEGEND.

Dusty: Legend might be a little high, heh, but I’ll take it.

Troy: Ol’ Dusty here left King Falls right after graduation and went off and became a big star.

Sammy: A big star?

Dusty: Now, now… I wouldn’t go that far, but you two go right ahead…

Ben: He was number 1 on the music charts, Sammy! AND he’s a hometown boy!

Sammy: Well that’s something! What kind of song was it? Where did it chart?

Dusty: The only two that do count: country and western.

Sammy: Oh! Okay…

Ben: Sing us a lil somethin’ Dusty!

Dusty: Well, I don’t think I should, but… ahem. ♪Well I know you loved him, back when he was a girl ♪

Troy: Oh, damn, he’s still got it!

Sammy: *softly* Is… is this real life? Are-are you guys messing with me?

Ben: What’re you doing driving back to The Falls is the middle of the damn night, man?

Dusty: I gave up the biz, Ben. Just cold turkey.

Troy: Shucks…

Dusty: I just lost sight of what made it special. Figured I’d come back home and try to find that spark again. Plus, Mayor Grisham hired me to sing a song at this thing in a couple weeks. No better time to start over than now.

Ben: You’ll be right back at the top in now time, buddy!

Dusty: You better believe it! I was just too happy… good kids, great house, wife as hot as road tar! I guess I needed to lose it all just so I could find my roots.

Troy: You sayin you and Gloria broke up? I ain’t seen a relationship change or status update or nothin.

Dusty: Oh, it’s all over the TMZ. I was out doing the country fair circuit and she was havin Javier our pool boy scrub way more than the jacuzzi… She took it all. My heart, my soul, even my dignity. Whitney Houston don’t know (censored)!

Ben: S-sorry to hear that…

Dusty: Well, you win some, you lose some. Dammit, that’s what I’m talking about! I need the sadness, hombre. I gotta get the blues back to go with my god-given rhythm.

Sammy: Well, welcome back home, sir. Wish it were under better circumstances.

Dusty: Thanks a lot, Dimond Dave.

Sammy: Actually, this is Sammy Stevens…

Troy: Give us a little encore before you go, Dusty.

Dusty: Come on, Troy! You know I shouldn’t! Ahem… ♪Hey there, spooky ghost, you better let me go! Hey there, spooky ghost, you’re see through ass is too slow! ♪

Ben: Never gets old! Talk to ya later, Dusty.

Troy: Later, buddy! We’ll hook it up once you get back and get settled.

Dusty: But- I really did need some help! *call disconnects*

Ben: Wow! Can’t believe that S-O-B is coming back home!

Sammy: *dryly* He sounds like a laugh a minute.

Troy: We had some good times back in the day… didn’t we, Ben?

Ben: Don’t use Dusty’s goodwill to wedge back into my life, Troy.

Troy: You know what, I’m real tired of goin round and round with you. Here’s the thick and thin of it: Imma give that present and if you don’t like it we don’t ever have to speak again.

Ben: You promise?!

Sammy: Guys… that’s an awful big promise to keep. Let’s all just calm down…

Troy: I mean it! Forrealsies! If you hate this thing, which I got outta the kindness of my heart, then we couldn’t stand to be pals anyway.

Ben: You just signed a check that you aren’t prepared to cash, Troy.

Troy: You just signed a check…well… I ain’t just gonna copy you, but… you messed up, future bud. BRB

(Sounds of Troy getting up and leaving)

Ben: Even if I love this thing I’m gonna –

Sammy: While I don’t agree you two should be putting your entire future on the line based on a belated Christmas gift… you should at least play fair.

Ben: Oh, I will. I’m just sayin… even if it’s good…

(Sounds of Troy coming back. Weird animal noises start up again)

Troy: Now, look, I got the box. But…I just don’t think you should do this live on the air.

Ben: Oh, it’s happening live! I want the entire town to hear the disappointment.

(animal noises getting louder)

Sammy: Is that thing supposed to be making that racket?

Troy: Google says it does. (animal continues) Here it is, Ben.

Ben: You serious? You’re not even gonna say “Merry Christmas”?

Troy: I ain’t squeezing out another syllable until you open that box.

Ben: It’s shaking, man. It’s shaking and making noises. I’m a little worried.

Sammy: Ladies and gentlemen, Ben has stepped away from his mic and is laying the box on the table.

Troy: Oh, I gotta get a picture of this!

Sammy: And now Troy is leaving his microphone and going around to Ben. Hey! Hey, don’t push him, Ben! Sorry. Ben’s opening the box now. If this was morning radio I’d hit the Brad Pitt “WHAT’S IN THE BOX?” button right now…

(animal noise stops)

Ben: NO (censored) WAY! (animal yips happily)

Troy: I told you! Didn’t I tell ya? Didn’t I tell him, Sammy?!

Sammy: Okay, for real, what’s in the box?

Ben: Troy… I…can’t believe it.

Troy: You folks listening at home can’t see, but I’m doing my best buddy two-step.

Sammy: Come on! What is it?!

Ben: I’m just…in shock.

Troy: Are we buddies?

Sammy: This is worse than the briefcase in Pulp Fiction…WHAT’S IN THE DAMN BOX?!

Ben: Troy… we are friends. Dude, I can’t believe it!

Troy: How bout a hug for old times’ sake?

Sammy: Don’t push it, Troy…

Ben: Bring it in, big guy!

Sammy: Alright, dammit! I’m gonna go look in the box, excuse me, folks.

Ben: This is the most thoughtful gift that anyone has ever given me. I’m…so sorry I gave you all this grief.

Troy: It’s alright. Hatchet buried, little buddy.

Sammy: What the HELL is that thing?!

Ben: Sammy, you remember Serendipity, right? That’s what this is! Troy got me a sugar glid-

Troy: AHEM! Cat!

Ben: What?

Troy: Well, I got you a new cat. I could never replace ol’ Serendipity the sugar glider no matter how much I wanted because as we all know, sugar gliders aren’t allowed to be brought into the state as a domestic pet.

Sammy: That is the weirdest cat that I’ve ever seen.

Ben: Right! A cat! The best friggin’ cat ever! Does he have a name?

Troy: You’re gonna love it: Peas! Peas the sugar gl-

Ben: CAT. Peas the cat…

Troy: Yup, Peas the cat. Partly cause he loves to eat peas, and…partly cause I was hoping you’d give peas a chance.

Ben: I need another hug, Troy! GET OVER HERE!

Sammy: *laughs* Okay, I think we’re gonna take a quick break and get this…cat out of the studio. Maybe if I can pry apart this bro hug I’ll tell Troy it’s actually “give peace a chance”… Maybe not. We’ll be right back after a word from our sponsors, folks.

[kfam-archives]

Episode 20: Referencing Aladdin Don’t Make it Right

Summary: Sammy and Ben get a quick update on the little ones off Route 72 and learn live on-air that not everyone had a great evening the night of the Valentine’s Day Dance.

Characters:

Sammy Stevens

Troy Krieghauser

Ben Arnold

Pete Meyers

HFB III

Ernie Salsados

Greg Frickard

Emily Potter

Plot Tags:

Werewolves

Transmorgrifier

Electrolocaust

Rich McGuff

Bemily

[kfam-archives]

Episode 9: Jack in the Box Jesus

Summary: An alleged sighting of the Lord and Savior at a down town fast food restaurant has the residents of King Falls ready for deliverance, meanwhile Sammy and Ben try to navigate the flood waters of this revelation.

Characters:

Mayor Grisham

Sammy Stevens

Ben Arnold

Cynthia Higginbaum

Troy Krieghauser

Creepy Carl

Reverend Xavier “Get Right With God” Hawthorne

Archie Simmons

Plot Tags:

Electrolocaust

Jack in the Box Jesus

Archie’s Pomchi Palace

Werewolves

[kfam-archives]

Episode 8: Electrolocaust Now

Summary: Sammy and Ben have planned a tribute to King Falls AM’s resident jazz legend Chet Sebastian, however an impromtu, and selective power failure, takes out most of the stations broadcast tools, leaving the boys to fend for themselves.

Characters:

Sammy Stevens

Ben Arnold

“Shotgun Sammy” caller

Doyle Bevins

Pete Meyers

Emily Potter

Plot Tags:

Electrolocaust

Grease

HFB 3

Bemily

[kingfallshistoricallibrary-blog]

Episode Eight: Electrolocaust Now

[KFAM music]

Sam: Good evening King Falls, you’re listening to 660 on the radio dial, and I’ve gotta tell you, we’ve got a  heck of a show this evening. We’re paying tribute to King Falls musical legend and Ben's old boss, jazz meistro Chet Sebastian. We’ll be discussing 40 years of-*static, sound of things powering down*

B: What the hell?

S: What’d I touch?

B: I don’t think it was you.

S: Sorry ladies and gents, it seems we’re having a slight technical difficulty here. Um, yeah, hey my computer’s down Ben.

B: Mine too. Sammy, I dunno if they can even hear us. We might be out out.

S: Well okay then, uh, we’re live and we’re winging it folks.

B: Au contraire my friend. You should know I’ve got a backup plan, and a backup for the backup plan.

S: Uh huh.

B: Let me just pull out the trusty smartphone aaaaand…

S: And?

B: It’s off.

S: Well, good thing you’ve got a backup for this.

B: It’s...an expression. We’re flying blind, Sammy. Check your phone.

S: It is off, uh, lemme guess, the ghost, sorry, apparition,-

B: Thank you.

S: Of Marconi just visited the station just decided to start yanking wires.

B: Maybe Merv forgot to pay the electric bill.

S: The lights, the mics, it’s not electricity, this is selective. But, y’know, thanks for being so cheap and old, Merv. It may have spared 660 from the wrath of skynet.

B: Yeah, the board’s lit up, and so are the phones, I don’t get it.

S: King Falls, have you gotten whacked by this random and seemingly mischievous power outage? You’ve heard our story, let’s hear uh, wait can they hear us?

B: Good call.

S: I don’t understand why some of this stuff is working, and some of it is out. What’re we doing, Ben?

*quiet buzzing in the background*

S: Now’s not the time to go rogue.

B: Radio’s are working, Sammy. We’re live

S: Well, you’re hearing our story right now King Falls, let's hear yours. If you’ve got a phone that’s working, give us a call or tweet us @kingfallsam.

B: Can’t check the twitter.

S: Dammit. *sigh* Let's take a call, Ben.

B: But, the schedule?

S: Dude, what schedule? The one locked in the computer that’s zoinked out, or the one that’s locked in our iphone that won’t power up?

B: Damn your logic. Line 1!

S: You’re live on the air with Sammy and Ben, hope you’re well on this weird ass evening.

?: Hey Shotgun!

S: Hey man. What’s your name again?

?: Not important, I just wanted to check in with my favorite AM radio host, and tell you you’re coming in loud and clear on my end. Loud and clear! Heheh. Am I on the air?

B: You’re live, sir.

S: So how’re things in your neck of the woods? Any technology issues, things not powering up and on for you?

?: Not a problem in the world, Shotgun. Heheh.

B: Is he going to keep calling you-

?: Shotguuuuuuuuuuun Sammyyyyyyy.

S: *Sigh*. Was there anything in particular you needed?

?: That’s it. Love the show. Shotgun Sammyyyyyy!

*hangup noise*

B: What did you do in your past life, Sammy?

S: You don’t even wanna know.

B: *sigh* Line seven, good evening you’re on King Falls AM.

Doyle: Hey Ben, hey Sammy, you dudes doing okay up there?

S: All things considered we’re doing well, and who’re we speaking with?

D: *stoned sounding laughter* Oh, this is Doyle. Doyle Bevins, out in Hollybrook Estates.

B: Hey Doyle, you having any issues with your computers, smartphone, what have you?

D: Oh yeah, about five minutes ago all my toys just shut off. TV, ‘puter, phone, sounded like a transformer just shut down.

S: Oh! So you had a transformer blow up by you? Could that have caused that way up here, Ben?

B: I-

D: Oh no, no, nothing like that. Like it was Bumblebee powering down, like uh kachuhuh, kachuhuhuh.

B: Oh. Right. Regardless, Hollybrook is a good five miles outside of town, I dunno if that would have hit us.

S: Doyle, thanks for calling in and letting us know what’s going on with you.

D: Oh, sure thing bro, but that’s not why I called.

B: Oh, uh, okay?

S: What’s on your mind tonight, Doyle?

D: Well, before all this new age funky junk started, I was having some really crazy stuff going on here in the apartment.

S: Crazy stuff, what kind of stuff?

D: Supernatural stuff.

B: I got nothing, I’ve never heard of anything going on in hollybrook.

D: *stoned laughter* It is insane, Ben. It’s like I'm living in some sort of cybertronian spacecraft.

S: Cybertronian? I'm not familiar, Ben?

B: It’s a transformers reference. It’s not real.

D: Hey. It’s real, Ben.

S: Can you give us an example?

B: Without referencing a Mike Bay movie.

D: Sure thing bro. So, I got this toaster, right?

B: Mmhm.

D: Sometimes, late at night, BOOM! It’ll pop up the scariest damn thing you ever laid eyes on.

S: So it makes the noise like when the bread is done?

D: Ghost toast boys. It pops, but ain't nothing there.

B: Doyle. *long pause* We’re gonna take another call.

D: Ohoho, not good enough for you Ben? Not spooky kooky enough, huh? I’ll do you one better.

B: You’d have to.

D: Sometimes, late at night, my fridge start making this scary humming noise, like hummmmmumumumum-

S: Doyle.

D: Humumum.

S: Doyle.

D: Hummumumum *clears throat, coughs*. Ahem. You get it.

S: Doyle. Are only experiencing this phenomena with your appliances?

D: Can, can I finish Sammy? Is that, is that cool? Can I finish?

S: I'm sorry, of course.

D: Alright. So like I said, it’s just a herming, so I sneak in the kitchen, all vatican assassin like, and I fling open the door, acrackachow! Ain't nothing happening boys. Mayo and mustard just looking to me like they wanna hop on a sandwich.

S: Alright, Doyle. We’re gonna take another call. Please be careful out there, with the appliances and such.

D: Hey, do you all want me to make you a video and send it? *scoff* Duh, maye the electronics are zapped so I can’t prove it, man? It’s a big old vicious circle, bros.

*hang up noise*

B: Dear god.

S: Take care, Doyle. Line 9 you’re on with Sammy and Ben.

?: Long time listener here. Second time caller.

*hangup noise*

S: Nope, not tonight. I don’t want that. Lets go ahead and take line-

B: *drawn out throat clearing noise*

S: Yes, Ben?

B: *sigh*, Uhhh, we, we uh, we need to play an ad, Sammy.

S: Play an ad? You know the computers are off, right?

B: Mmhm.

S: Don’t look at me like that. Don’t even think it.

B: God. *singing* When you’re hungry and you know it come to Rose’s.

S: No.

B: *still singing* If you’re starving and it’s showing come to Rose’s.

S: Ben, please.

B: *still singing* We’ve waffles and cranapples-

S: Ben!

B: I’m just trying to make sure the clients get their money’s worth.

S: I understand that, but you know there’s no better way to do that then talking about just how delicious Rose’s Diner can be. Personally, I'm one for the country breakfast. What do you get down there at Rose’s?

B: Uhm, well it’s a fact that you just can’t beat Rose’s fresh donuts.

S: And from what Troy’s told us, they make a mean bagel as well.

B: I’ve been going to Rose’s all my life. Never had a bad meal there, not one.

S: Y’know I can’t tell you how many times I’ve stopped by for a great meal and good conversation. So if you’re in the neighborhood, just passing through, or wanna feel at home away from home, stop by Rose’s Diner. Right off the interstate.

B: Exit 44.

S: There you go.

B: You’re good, and I'm hungry. Man I could go for the signature pancake puppies.

S: Whatever stops that singing.

B: Okay, please, I’ll, uh, I’ll have you know, Mr. Sheffield cast me as the lead in King Falls high school’s rendition of Grease

S: Alright Zuko, let’s take some calls. Good evening, you’re on with-

*static, feedback*

B: Tim!

S: Can you hear us, Tim?

*feedback fading*

Pete: Sorry, sorry, let me turn my radio down.

S: False alarm.

B: What do you want, Pete?

P: This isn’t Pete, my name is...Escobar. And I want to tell you that this is the absolute worst broadcast in the history of radio. You two oughta be ashamed.

S: We’re just trying to make the best of a bad situation, Pete.

P: Escobar.

B: I thought you weren’t ever listening to King Falls AM again, Pete?

P: I'm not listening...I'm assuming.

S: Well, you know what they say when you assume something, right Pete?

P: Esss-cooo-bariiita.

B: Don’t you have some mowing or clipping up to do up at Beauregard’s manor?

P: Racist! You know dang well no one goes up there after sundown. Ese.

B: So you admit your employer is a vampire. Hmm. Interesting.

P: I didn’t say, I didn’t, I didn’t say that. I just don’t wanna whack a weed that ain’t a weed. Ben, start living right. All that scary stuffs frying your brain.

S: Pete. Escobar. Do you have a reason for call-

P: Alright, pushy. Alright, you know what, I swear I ain't listening to you ever again, you browbeating ruffians. Nunca, nunca I tell you.

*hang up noise*

S: It’s gonna be a long night.

*sound of equipment powering down*

B: Look at the phone lines, we dropped all the calls. Line one? Hello? *silence* You’re on with King Falls? Nothing. We can’t fill four hours like this, Sammy.

S: I’ve got an idea. Give me your keys, Ben.

*sound of Sammy getting up*

B: This can’t be good.

S: Be right back.

B: Sammy. *moment of silence, followed by a door opening and closing* *singing* Stranded, at the drive in, branded a fool. *in normal voice* Yeah, I still got it. Okay folks, just, uh, lemme just check to see if our regular phones are working. Make a little call out. What’s this, a rotary phone? *dialing* Yeesh. *still dialing* *ringing*

Emily: Hello?

B: Hey Emily, it’s Ben. I hope I didn’t wake you?

E: Not at all, I'm listening. What’s going on with the show? And the electronics?

B: I know, right? I just wanna make sure you are, oh, uh, hey, we’re live by the way.

E: As live as can be, right?

B: Right. But yeah, I just wanted to make sure you were okay with all the weirdness happening tonight.

E: I'm fine. Thanks for thinking of me. Good thing I’ve got a landline, I guess.

B: If you didn’t, I would have had to come over to check.

E: Oh really? That’s an interesting thought.

B: Um. Yeah. Y’know. To make sure that you’re safe and sound. Like a gentleman.

E: Oh, of course.

B: Oh, uh, so, the other reason I called, um, in all your studies or research, do you ever recall any kind of electronic or, or, electromagnetic pulses here in the Falls?

E: Not to my knowledge. Obviously I’ll dig more into this later today at the library, but it’s new I think. Lucky us.

B: Lucky us.

*door opening and closing*

S: Alright, what’d I miss?

E: Hi Sammy!

S: Hi Emily. Hope you’re doing alright tonight.

B: Hey, I’ll call you later, okay?

E: Sounds like a plan.

B: Night! *hang up noise* Don’t look at me like that, Sammy.

S: I didn’t say a word. Crazy power outages and electrical malfunctions. Do you call your mom first? Your brother? Nope. you call your local librarian, Emily Potter.

B: So?

S: So it’s cute.

B: Whatever. What’re you up to over there?

S: Well, this is a record player borrowed from Mr. Chet Sebastian's office. This is not how we planned the evening, but, thank you Chet.

B: And?

S: Well, I figure since our fancy new high and mighty tech is out, that we’ll just have to bring back some old trusty reliable stuff to pass the time.

B: It’s a little telling that most of our broadcast equipment hasn’t gotten shut down.

S: Merv, take a note. Upgrade our WKRP radio shack so we can take a night off when everything goes belly up, huh?

B: Lemme mic that thing up.

S: Alright ladies and gents, you’re listening to King Falls AM, that’s 660 on the radio dial, with me as always my cohost Ben Arnold and this, this is a little Chet Sebastian jazz to help you through this weird ass night. Thanks for being a legend, sir.

*jazz music played on a record*

[unofficialkfamtranscripts]

King Falls AM - Episode 10: Medium Rare

View on Google Docs

Summary: September 15, 2015 - Sammy & Ben welcome in studio guest, medium Miss Olivia DuPont, however a miscommunication of her talents brings up some painful memories that both Ben & Deputy Troy wish to forget.

[podcast intro music]

Sammy [agitated] I’m not gonna debate you ma’am, I’m just trying to say that gravity really isn’t something that’s up for discussion, sheesh.

Ben [amused] Don’t take it personally. Mrs. Bodenheimer told me in third grade that she didn’t believe in air.

Sammy …conditioning?

Ben Oh, no! Air. In general. She thought oxygen was a satanic fairy tale concocted by God-hating scientists.

Sammy [disbelieving] Yet she was in charge of educating you and hundreds of other youngsters.

Ben College diploma goes a long way in a little town, buddy.

Sammy Alright, well up next we’ve got a pretty interesting visitor coming in studio with us.

Ben Hopefully so!

Sammy O— you don’t know her?

Ben I do not, but she sent us a ton of emails during the electrolocaust and said she was a big fan.

Sammy All of them say she has a special talent she’d like to share with us and the listeners

Ben Absolutely, and she’ll be coming up after a word from our sponsors.

[dramatic eerie music]

Announcer On the season premier of the nation’s number one paranormal investigation show: Mission Apparition. [theatrical crash] Dan and the team find themselves in a sticky situation. [static]

Dan [echoing] They had to shut this place down after all the accidents. This is Tanner’s Taffy factory and it’s been abandoned since 1991. [static]

Announcer …or has it?

Dan There’s, uh— God there’s a lot of EVP activity around [walkie talkie sound] Larry, Larry I’d think you better go.

[theatrical crash]

Dan [walkie click] [hushed] Larry? Larry! [walkie click] Larry go!

Larry [creepy, ascending, violin-screech sound effects] [through walkie] I see the lights, man, I see it

Dan Larry move your ass!

Announcer It’s another can’t-miss episode from the show that doesn’t miss a thing when it comes to the extraordinary: Mission Apparition

[News music]

NEWS ANCHOR Season premier, tonight at 9pm on King Falls Channel 13.

[KFAM theme]

Ben That is- ridiculous.

Sammy We’re live, Ben.

Ben I know! It doesn’t change the fact that “Mission Apparition” sucks as much as the channel that shows it.

Sammy It sounded pretty interesting to me.

Ben Dan and Larry from that show? wouldn’t know what to do in a haunted situation to save their lives. Stupid meters and light particles, [“stupid voice” imitation] “oh hey I know! let’s shoot some night vision so everything looks pretty scary and suspect!” Idiots.

Sammy You don’t have to get hot about it.

Ben Oh, I’m just fine, Sammy. I’m simply saying, Mission Apparition is a dumb show Made by dummies For dummies.

Sammy Ladies and gentlemen, please be sure to direct all your hateful tweets to @kingfallsam and we’ll make sure Ben answers each and every one.

Ben Get at me twitter! #bringit

Sammy *laughs* On a different note, we have a guest in studio with us tonight. She is a self-professed medium—

Olivia [slight South African accent] Miss Olivia DuPont. Heh, see I knew it was coming.

Sammy [laughing] You’re good Miss DuPont. So Ben tells me you emailed us in hopes of coming on the show?

Olivia I was very eager to come visit my favourite late-night AM talk show and maybe help some people with some closure along the way.

Ben Thanks Miss DuPont, we are happy to have you.

Olivia Oh, please call me Golden Owl. *Who-whoo who-whoo!*

Sammy Ummm…

Olivia *Laughs* What a hoot and riot, you should have seen your face Sammy. Please, call me Olivia.

Ben Ha. S- soo… um, you aren’t from King Falls, is that correct?

Olivia That is, I live a few towns over. Up in Big Pine. That’s where my shop is as well.

Ben I love Big Pine! I- I used to go camping there as a kid! It’s beautiful and so laid-back.

Sammy Laid-back? I didn’t know it got slower then King Falls!

Ben You’ll have to excuse Shotgun Sammy here, he’s a Big City guy.

Sammy Anyway, so how did you find out that you had this talent, Olivia? That you were a medium.

Olivia Oh, from a very young age. My parents were veterinarians and we lived in an apartment above their office, so I used to hear- so many lost souls. Day in and day out.

Ben Lost souls? Wh-why were these people hanging out at the vets?

Olivia [confused] People?

Sammy I’m sorry, Olivia. Maybe we’ve got our wires crossed here. We were under the impression that you were a psychic.

Olivia [firmly] Medium. Psychics are low life charlatans.

Sammy I’m sorry, a medium.

Olivia A medium is someone whose 6th sense is so in tune, so aware, that a bridge is made to the other side, in which we can communicate with our loved ones.

Ben Uh, but- but again why were the souls of people hanging out at your parents’ vet office?

Olivia *scoffs* What does this have to do with people, Ben?

Sammy Okay, this bridge that you’ve-you’ve built to the other side. Is it not for people?

Olivia [laughing] Heaven’s no!

Ben I’m lost.

Olivia Well I’m- one of a kind, I get human interference from- time to time, you know [long-suffering] a mother looking to reconnect with her kids, a brother that died in the war. Ugh. I ignore that. This is about our deceased loved ones. The furry kind, or feathered! or what-have-you.

Ben Wait. You talk to dead pets?

Olivia Harsh, but not incorrect Ben.

Ben [growing slightly frantic]Oh, no, see I-I-I booked you so we could talk about your gift and take some calls from the listeners, but—

Olivia We can take calls Ben.

Sammy So, to be clear, you have contact with human spirits and you just toss them to the wayside to talk to Fido.

Olivia *laughs* Anyone can talk to deceased humans, Sammy, especially here in King Falls. This place is beaming with activity- even the two of you could do it if you tried. But nobody talks to our long-lost pets.

Ben I’m sorry, this isn’t what we were looking for Miss DuPont.

Olivia Golden Owl. Hoh, excuse me boys *loud sigh* this one is coming on strong! MMMOOooo MMMrrrr… Moo. *loud sigh* Sorry boys,[solemnly] that was- that was a rough one. Cassie the Cow was crying out. She lived in one of those factory farms and she- *deep breath* was using me to tell the world about her last days in the Cowschwitz[sic].

Sammy Okay folks, we’re sorry. Just give us a minute or two so we can uh… So we can get this—

Olivia I seeee… a dog? forgive me- AAAOOOoo AWAWWOOooo ARAwwo *growls*

Ben [Irritated] Okay, I think we’ve heard enough.

Olivia Wolfington?

Ben This is insane.

Sammy [seriously] Wait. What color is the dog?

Olivia Black— oh a little-bit of brown. He looks like— a lap dog perhaps? Uhh…

Sammy A terrier!

Olivia Oh, of course, I can see it nowww. He’s just wagging his tail, so happy, chasing his ball- Oh! Ooh, he’s mounting your Teddy Ruxpin bear[1].

Sammy That’s him! Oh my gosh!

Ben [incredulous] Wolfington the terrier? Come oonnn.

Sammy That’s my dog, Ben! He ran away when I was in grade school.

Olivia Woof! RUFF! Ruff-ruff-rUFF! Oh. He wants you to know that he’s fine Sammy, Wolfington had a good life. He isn’t mad that you only ever shared your veggies at the dinner table.

Sammy [entreating] Heh, it’s all I could do little buddy! my mom was always watchin’!

Ben Sammy?

Sammy Uh, *clears throat* I mean, y-you know that’s- that’s good, that’s real good Olivia. Uh, thank you.

Ben What is going on here?! Snap out if it, Sammy, this is obviously a con. Facebook info- or something.

Olivia I seee—  [whispered] what is it? Is it a bird?

Ben [mocking]Cuckoo. Cuckoo.

Olivia Is it a tiny… monkey? No— no no, dig deeper. Marsupial!

Ben You aren’t buying this, right?

Olivia I feeel a- a naame… Serendipity?

Ben [shocked] What the Hell?

Sammy Ben, you alright over there?

Ben I’m- fine. Um. Go on, Golden Owl?

Olivia Is it a… sugar glider!

Ben It is! Serendipity the sugar glider! Oh man.

Sammy You can’t be serious, Ben. Your parents bought you an exotic animal and the best name you can come up with is “Serendipity”?

Ben [defensive] It came already named, man, and No, for the record? we found it. There was a travelling zoo that came through the Falls. And the day after, my friends and I found a box, down at the fairgrounds, and inside? there was little Serendipity, looking back up at us.

Olivia He said he’s sorry that he couldn’t stay. He wishes he did, that mean man with the badge- well, [softly] and you know how that goes.

Sammy Uh, how what goes? What happened?

Ben [upset] I don’t want to talk about it.

Olivia He forgives you Ben.

Ben [forcefully] Golden Owl I said I’m done! Let’s Take some callers.

Sammy Ben, I’m sorry, but this seems like—

Ben [distressed] Why don’t you pry your fingers- into the open wound- of my heart, and dig it all out, Sammy? Sweet Jack in the Box Jesus.

Sammy … You’re right, I-I’m sorry Ben. Well, King Falls you’ve heard Serendipity’s story, now let’s hear yours. 424-279-3858. We are live with pet medium, Olivia DuPont a—

Ben Did he live a good life? Olivia? W-was he happy, like Sammy’s puppy?

Olivia Do you not know?

Ben Know what?

Sammy I’m so confused here.

Olivia Serendipity was a bit of an outlaw. Sugar Gliders are illegal to posses in the tri-state region because of the ’72 Sugar Flu outbreak.

Sammy Seriously, okay guys, I just pulled up Sugar Gliders on the googs, adorable!

Ben They were still illegal. My mom tried calling the travelling zoo but to no avail. And it wasn’t like I didn’t want to keep Serendipity, I loved the little guy but, one of my backstabbing “friends” from school said something to Bodenheimer … I-I don’t want to talk about this.

Sammy They took him away?

Ben Mrs. Bodenheimer did. She took him to the office, and I never saw him again. She said she was going to make sure he got back to the zoo, di-di-did he, Golden Owl?

Olivia MMEEEEOOOOOWWW MEOOOWWW *hisses* Sorry, a calico is summoning me.

Ben Cut the crap! What’s this about the man with the badge?

Olivia [nervously] O- of course I’ve just heard this second-hand. Ben— I mean who’s to say exactly- what happened? It- you know, it’s from a different perspective then we can understand.

Ben What happened?

Olivia Serendipity- bit the man with the badge on the drive and- was tossed out the window. Into the river. Then- eventually down the falls. *chitters and hisses*

Ben That son of a bitch, w-wha-who’s name was on that badge?

Olivia It’s murky. Hard to grasp. Serendipity is jumping from nether tree to nether tree- Oh! Oh! I think I have it. [straining] G. U. N. Oh, I can’t see- D?

Ben [angrily] I knnnew it.

Olivia Take it with a grain of salt Ben- I mean, it’s just one version, from [laughingly] a marsupial no less.

Ben He was an awesome. possum. I-I gotta step outside for a minute [chair squeak].

Sammy While Ben takes a little break, let’s take a few callers.[door closing] Give us a call King Falls. Let’s talk about your dearly departed, uh, pets.

Olivia I’m ready.

Sammy Line 4, you’re live with Sammy and Miss Olivia DuPont.

Troy Gosh darn it, Sammy, I’m really sorry to hear about Ben’s little buddy.

Sammy I’m sure he’ll appreciate the kind words Troy, I’ll be sure to pass them on buddy .

[police radio can be heard faintly in bg]

Troy [solemn] I’ve got a confession to make that I ain’t proud of. I… I was the reason for the demise of little Serendipity. Such a sweet little fella. I just didn’t know he get taken away, y’know? For good.

Sammy Wait. You’re the reason Serendipity was taken away?

Troy Ah hells bells Sammy, I was the one that rolled over on Ben but— I didn’t mean for the little furry guy to get taken away! It was just a real kerfuffle on this end.

Sammy This explains so much.

Troy Me and Ben was best buddies coming up, Sammy. I didn’t want to tell on him, but little Serendipity got frisky one day at lunch and sh[bleep] on one of the teacher’s Mexican pizza. Tough ol’ Bodenheimer cornered me ‘cause she thought he was mine. Ben ain’t never gonna forgive me and that’s deserved.

[door closing]

Sammy That’s all in the past Troy. I’m sure- someday –

Ben Sorry about that guys. Some-someday what?

Sammy Oh, uh- y-you know- we-we’re just taking calls from listeners right now Ben. On the line we’ve got- Troy.

Troy [mournful] Hey Ben. Man I was listening to the program tonight, when I heard Miss DuPont pontificatin’ about the dead animals and su—

Ben [Hastily] Now’s not the time Troy, especially from you!

Troy I’m hurtin’ something awful about Serendipity, buddy. How many times do I have to apologize to make it right?

Ben Loose Lips Sink Ships, Troy, the ship of friendship. Have fun on the SS Backstabber. [click, dial tone] Line 1, you’re live on King Falls AM. Prepare your tissues.

Ron Boys, I won’t keep you long. This question is for, Golden Owl? is that right?

Olivia Yes.

Ron Before my question ma’am, you might want to work on that name. It might just be me, but it sounds like a sophisticated lemon party for birds.Not that I’m against that sort of thing. Sh[bleep] even last night—

Sammy Ron Begley, ladies and gents.

Ron Alright I get it, enough foreplay. Brass tacks Miss Owl, how does it work if you didn’t particularly own the pet, but you saw it as a kid, grew up near it, fed it, maybe had a puff the magic dragon relationship with it.

Ben He wants to know if you can tap into your unending source of pain and find Kingsie’s parents. Maybe tell us how they were, harpooned by Japanese tourists in front of Kingsie as a baby and made into sashimi.

Olivia Mr. Begley I’m not sure if that’s really in my wheelhouse, but perhaps if you introduce me to this Kingsie you’re referencing?

Ron Well hell yeah! How can I get a hold of you to make an appointment?

Sammy All of Miss DuPont’s information is on our website Ron, or you can check it out on twitter at—

Ron Yeah yeah, @, ampersand, hashtag, underscore, exclamation mark dot dot dot King Falls dot net. Shut your sweet little trap Sammy! I got it! I’ll be in touch soon Golden Owl. [mildly exasperated] But seriously, work on that name

[click, dial tone]

Ben Other than, re-breaking everyone’s hearts, Olivia— what do you get out of this?

Olivia I’m sorry for the troublesome story, Ben. Not all of them -hardly any of them- end so badly.

Ben So I’m just the lucky one.

Sammy Ben—

Ben I’m so glad to hear that not everyone’s pet got thrown out of a moving car and into Peace river and down the falls by Sheriff damn Gunderson. That’s the silver lining, right?

Olivia If it’s true.

Ben [skeptical] You get a lot of lying cats and dogs in your line of work, Olivia?

Olivia [awkwardly] Not— to my knowledge.

Ben He did it.

Sammy Okay, let’s not go making accusations it could have been any number of deputies, maybe even from a different county, I mean who can say?

Ben [insistent] It was Gunderson, I just know it. He literally damn near spelled it out! Ask him to spell out the rest, Olivia.

Olivia He saysss, *sigh* Golden Owl, your business license is up for renewal, so don’t rock the boat?

Ben BULL!

Sammy *clears throat* Olivia, we’re gonna take another phone call here in a minute. Perhaps, uh, before that you could give us a light-hearted example of a run in with someone’s, uh, expired creature.

Olivia Well, there was this one encounter with Bruce the Stingray.

Sammy [incredulously] A stingray. Now, what’s a dead stingray got to talk about?

Olivia Well, Steve Irwin[2] for one.

[KFAM outro]

[Credits]

REFERENCES:

[1] Teddy Ruxpin - Teddy Ruxpin is an animatronic children's toy in the form of a talking 'Illiop', a creature which looks like a bear. The creature's mouth and eyes move while "reading" stories played on an audio tape cassette deck built into its back.

[2] Steve Irwin - “The Crocodile Hunter” was an Australian zookeeper, television personality, wildlife expert, environmentalist and conservationist. Possibly best known for the show “The Crocodile Hunter” (1996–2007), an internationally broadcast wildlife documentary series, which he co-hosted with his wife Terri. They also co-owned and operated Australia Zoo, about 80 kilometres (50 mi) north of the Queensland state capital city of Brisbane. Steve died on September 4, 2006, after being pierced in the chest by a stingray barb while filming in Australia's Great Barrier Reef.

[unofficialkfamtranscripts]

King Falls AM - Episode Eight: Electrolocaust Now

View on Google Docs

Summary: August 15, 2015 - Sammy & Ben have planned a tribute to King Falls AM's resident jazz legend Chet Sebastian, however an impromptu, and selective power failure, takes out most of the station's broadcast tools, leaving the boys to fend for themselves.

[podcast intro music]

[KFAM intro music]

Sammy Good evening, King Falls. You’re listening to 660 on the radio dial and I’ve gotta tell you, we’ve got a heck of a show this evening. We’re paying tribute to King Falls’ musical legend and Ben’s old boss, jazz maestro Chet Sebastian. We’ll be discussing [static/buzz] 40 years of— [sound of things powering down]

Ben [confused] What the hell?

Sammy Uh— W-what did I touch?

Ben I don’t think it was you. [sound of Ben getting up]

Sammy Sorry, ladies and gents. It seems we’re having a slight technical difficulty here. Uh- ye- hey, my computer’s down, Ben.

Ben Yeah mine too. Sammy, I don’t know if they can even hear us. We might be… out out.

Sammy *sigh* Well, okay then. Uh. We’re live and we’re winging it, folks!

Ben [smugly] Au contraire, my friend! You should know: I’ve got a backup plan. And a backup for the backup plan.

Sammy [incredulous] Uh-huh.

Ben Lemme just pull out- the- [rustling] trusty— smartphone, aaand— [dull clatter]

Sammy And?

Ben It’s off.

Sammy Well.*laugh/huff* Good thing you’ve got a backup for this.

Ben It’s… an expression. We’re, *anxious sigh* we’re flying blind, Sammy. Check your phone.

Sammy It’s, uh, it, it is off, uh, let me guess, the ghost—sorry, apparition—

Ben Thank you.

Sammy Of Marconi[1] just visited the station and just decided to start yanking wires.

Ben Maybe Merv forgot to pay the electric bill.

Sammy The lights, the mics, it’s not electricity, this is selective. [disgruntled] Uh, you know, but thanks for being so cheap and old, Merv, it may have spared 660 from the wrath of Skynet.

Ben Yeah, the board’s lit up and so are the phones. I, I don’t get it.

Sammy King Falls, have you gotten whacked by this random and seemingly mischievous power outage?? Uh, you, you’ve heard our story, let’s hear uh- wait, can they hear us?

Ben Good call. [sound of Ben getting up]

Sammy I, I don’t understand why some of this stuff is working and some of it is out! [slightly desperate] What are we doing, Ben? Y-y— [radio interference in bg] Now’s not the time to go rogue!

Ben [in bg] Radios are working, Sammy. [closer] We’re live.

Sammy *sigh* Well, you’re hearing our story right now, King Falls, let’s hear yours. If you’ve got a phone that’s- working, give us a call or tweet us @KingFallsAM—

Ben Can’t check the Twitter.

Sammy Damn it! *sigh* Let’s take a call, Ben.

Ben But- the- schedule!

Sammy Dude, what schedule?! The one locked in the computer that zoinked out, or the one that’s locked in our iPhone that won’t power up?

Ben [muttered]Damn your logic. Line one!

Sammy You’re live on the air with Sammy and Ben. Hope you’re well on this weird-ass evening.

Line 1 [slightly suggestively]Hey, Shotgun!

Sammy *exasperated sigh* Hey, man. What’s your name again?

Line 1 Not important! *chuckles* I-I jusht wanted to check in with my favorite AM radio hosht and tell you you’re coming in loud and clear on my end. Loud and clear! Ha ha! Haaa. [realizing] Am I on the air?

Ben You’re live, sir.

Sammy So how are things in your neck of the woods? Any technology issues? Things not powering up and on for you?

Line 1 Not a problem in the world, Shotgun, ha ha.

Ben Is he gonna keep calling you—

Line 1 Shotguuunn Shammyyyyy

Sammy *sigh* Was there anything in particular you needed?

CALLER That’sh it! Love the show. SHOTGUN SAMMYYY!!!!

[click, dial tone]

Ben [curiously] What did you do in your past life, Sammy?

Sammy [muttered] You don’t even want to know.

Ben *snickers* Line seven, good evening, you’re on King Falls AM.

Line 7 [guy sounds stoned] Hey Ben, hey Sammy, you dudes doing okay up there?

Sammy All things considered, we’re doing well! Uh, and who are we speaking with?

Doyle Ohh-h-h, this is Doyle. Doyle Bevins, out in Hollybrook Estates.

Ben Hey, Doyle. You having any issues with your computers? smartphone? what-have-you?

Doyle Oh, yeah! ‘Bout- ‘bout five minutes ago, all my toys just shut off. TV, ‘puter, phone. Sounded like a transformer just shut doowwwn.

Sammy Oh! So you had a transformer blow up by you! A- y- c— you know, could that have caused that way up here, Ben?

Ben I—

Doyle Oh, no, nothing like that! Like- like it was Bumblebee[2] powering down like a [gutteral] guchuchuhh aguchuchuhhh.

Sammy …Oh…

Ben Right. Regardless, Hollybrook is a good five miles outside of town. I don’t know if that would’a hit us.

Sammy Doyle, thanks for calling in and letting us know what’s going on with ya.

Doyle Oh, sure thing, bro, but. *chuckles* That’s not why I caallled.

Ben Oh! Uhhh, o-okay.

Sammy What’s on your mind tonight, Doyle?

Doyle Well, before all this new age funky-junk started, I was having some really crazy stuff going on here in the apartment.

Sammy Crazy stuff? Uh, wh-w-what kind of stuff?

Doyle Supernatural stuff.

Ben I’ve got nothing, I’ve never heard of anything going on in Hollybrook.

Doyle Ohohoh, it is in-sane, Ben. It’s like I’m living in some sorta Cybertronian spacecraft.

Sammy Cybertrone— I- I’m not familiar wi— Ben?

Ben It’s a Transformers reference. It’s not real.

Doyle Hey. It’s real, Ben.

Sammy Can you give us an example?

Ben Without referencing a Mike Bay movie.

Doyle Sure thing, bro. So, I’ve got this toaster, right?

Ben Mm-hmm?

Doyle Sometimes— late at night— BOOM! It’ll pop up the scariest damn thing you ever laid eyyes onn.

Sammy So it makes the noise like when the bread is done.

Doyle Ghost Toast, boyyys. It pops— but ain’t nothin’ there.

Ben Doyle… We’re gonna take another call.

Doyle Ohohoho! not good enough for you, Ben, not Spooky-Kooky enough, huh? I’ll do you one betterr.

Ben [dryly] You’d have to.

Doyle Sometimes— late at night— my fridge starts making this Scary hummin’ noise, like HUMMMUMUMUM—

Sammy Doyle.

Doyle —MUM HUMUMUMUM-HUHHH—

Sammy Doyle.

Doyle —MUMM HUUMMUMUHUH-UH-UH-KUH— *coughing* *clearing throat* You get it.

Sammy Doyle. Are you only experiencing this phenomenon with your appliances?

Doyle [impatiently] Ca- can I finish, Sammy? Is that- is that cool? Can I finish?

Sammy I’m sorry, of course.

Doyle Alright. So like I said, it’s just a hurmming so [quietly, sharing-a-secret-like] I sneak in the kitchen, all Vatican assassin-like. [louder] Sling open the door– ACRACKACHOW! – ain’t nothing happening, boys. Mayo and mustard just looking at me like they wanna hop on a sanndwich.

Sammy [“you’re crazy and i’m gonna go”] Alright, Doyle. We’re gonna take another call. Please be careful out there, with the appliances and such.

Doyle Hey, do y’all want me to make a video and send it? *scoff* Pft-Duh! Maybe the electronics are zapped so I can’t prove it, man! It’s a big old vicious circle, bros!

[click, dial tone]

Ben Dear God.

Sammy Take care, Doyle. *sigh* Line nine, you’re on with Sammy and Ben.

Creeper [creepy guy from episode 2 who calls to “listen to Sammy”]Long-time listener here!— Second-time caller.

Sammy [click, dial tone] Nope! Not tonight. I don’t want that. Let’s go ahead and take liiine…

Ben *pointedly clears throat*

Sammy Uh- yes, Ben?

Ben Huhhh, wel- ah- we- we- we need to- play an ad, Sammy.

Sammy Play an ad? You know the computers are off, right?

Ben Mhmm.

Sammy Don’t look at me like that! Don’t even think it!

Ben *whispers*God. [singing to the tune of “If You’re Happy and You Know It”] ♫Whenn- You’re- Hunngry and you know it come to Rose’s!♫

Sammy No.

Ben ♫If you’re starvin’ and it’s showin come to Rose’s!♫

Sammy Ben, please.

Ben ♫We’ve got waffles and cranapples–♫

Sammy Beenn!

Ben I’m just trying to make sure that the clients get their money’s worth?

Sammy I understand that, but you know what? there’s no better way to do that than talking about just how delicious Rose’s Diner can be. Personally, I’m one for the country breakfast. What do you get down there at Rose’s?

Ben Umm, well it’s a fact you just- can’t beat Rose’s fresh doughnuts.

Sammy And from what Troy has told us, they make a mean bagel as well!

Ben I’ve been going to Rose’s all my life? Never had a bad meal there, not one!

Sammy You know, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve stopped by for a great meal and good conversation. So if you’re in the neighborhood, just passing through, or wanna feel at home away from home, stop by Rose’s Diner! Right off the interstate.

Ben Exit 44.

Sammy There you go.

Ben You’re good and I’m hungry. [quietly] Man, I could go for the signature pancake puppies.

Sammy Whatever stops that singin’.

Ben Okay, plea—I- I’ll have you know, Mr. Sheffield cast me as the lead in King Falls High School’s rendition of Grease.

Sammy Alright, Zuko[3], well let’s take some calls! Good evening, you’re on with—

CALLER [static/interference]

Ben TIM!

Sammy Ca-can you hear us, Tim?

Pete Sorry, sorry let me turn my radio down.

Sammy [quietly, disappointed] False alarm.

Ben What do you want, Pete?

Pete This isn’t Pete! My name isss… Escobar. And I wanted to tell you that this is the absolute worst broadcast in the history of radio. You two oughta be ashamed!

Sammy We’re just trying to make the best of a bad situation, Pete.

Pete Escobar!

Ben I thought you weren’t ever listening to King Falls AM again, Pete.

Pete I’m not listening! I’m assuming.

Sammy Well you know what they say when you assume something, right, Pete?

Pete ES. CO. BARRRIBA!

Ben Don’t you have some mowing or clipping up to do at Beauregard’s manor?

Pete Racist! But you know dang well no one goes up there after sundown! Ese?

Ben So you admit your employer is a vampire. Hmm. Interesting.

Pete I didn’t say- I didn’t- I didn’t say that! I just don’t wanna whack a weed that ain’t a weed! Ben— start living right. All that scary stuff’s fryin’ yer brain.

Sammy Pete. Escobar. Do you have a reason for calling?

Pete Alright, pushy! Alright, you know what? I swear, I ain’t listening to you ever again, you brow-beating ruffians! Nunca! Nunca, now, I tell ya. [click]

[dial tone]

Sammy It’s gonna be a long night.

[sound of electrical powering down]

Ben Look at the phone lines! We dropped all the calls. Li- line one? Hello? … You’re on with King Falls. Ugh, Nothing. We can’t fill four hours like this, Sammy.

Sammy I’ve got an idea! Gimme your keys, Ben.

[rustling]

Ben This can’t be good.

Sammy Be right back!

Ben Sammy!

[footsteps running away, door closing]

Ben [singing] ♫Strandeeed at the drive iin, braannded a foool♫[4]… Yeah, I still got it. Okay folks, just uhh— lemme just check to see if our regular phones are working, make a little call out. [muttering] What is this, a rotary phone? Sheesh!

[sound of a rotary phone being dialed, ringing]

Emily Hello?

Ben Hey, Emily, it’s Ben! H- I hope I didn’t wake you!

Emily Not at all, I’m listening. What’s going on with the show? and the electronics?

Ben I know, right? I- I just wanted to make sure you were *sniffs* Oh! uh, hey, we’re live, by the way.

Emily As live as can be, right?

Ben Right. *awkward laugh* But, yeah, I just wanted to make sure you were okay with all the— weirdness happening tonight.

Emily I’m fine! Thanks for thinking of me. Good thing I’ve got a land line, I guess.

Ben [awkwardly] If you didn’t I would’ve had to, come over to check.

Emily Oh really? …That’s an interesting thought!

Ben Huh-h- mm- yeah. Y-you know, to- make sure that you’re safe and sound. Like a gentleman?

Emily Oh, of course.

Ben Oh! Uh, so, the other reason I called: um, in all your studies or research, do you ever recall any kind of electronic or- or electromagnetic pulses here in the Falls?

Emily Not to my knowledge. Obviously, I’ll dig more into this later today at the library, but it’s new I think. [door closing in bg] Lucky us!

Ben Lucky us.

[footsteps quickly coming closer]

Sammy Alright! what’d I miss?

Emily Hi, Sammy!

Sammy Hi, Emily! … Hope you’re doing alright tonight.

Ben Hey, I’ll, uh, call you later, okay?

Emily Sounds like a plan!

Ben Night! [click, dial tone] Don’t look at me like that, Sammy.

Sammy [clearly amused and judging Ben] Ah-I didn’t say a word. Crazy power outages and electrical malfunctions— do you call your mom first? Your brother? Nope! You call your local librarian, Emily Potter.

Ben So?

Sammy So it’s cute!

Ben Whatever. W-w-what are you up to over there?

Sammy Well, this is a record player, borrowed from Mr. Chet Sebastian’s office. This is not how we planned the evening, but, thank you, Chet!

Ben And?

Sammy Well, I figure since our fancy— new, high and mighty tech is out, then we’ll just have to bring back some old trusty, reliable stuff to pass the time.

Ben It’s a little telling that most of our broadcast equipment hasn’t gotten shut down.

Sammy Merv, take a note. Upgrade our WKRP radio shack so we can take a night off when everything goes belly-up, huh?

Ben Let me mic that thing up.

[sound of needle on record]

Sammy Alright ladies and gents, you’re listening to King Falls AM, that’s 660 on the radio dial. With me as always is my co-host Ben Arnold and this? This is a little Chet Sebastian jazz to help you through this weird-ass night. Thanks for being a legend, sir.

[jazz music plays]

[CREDITS]

References:

[1] Marconi - Guglielmo Giovanni Maria Marconi, 1st Marquis of Marconi FRSA was an Italian inventor and electrical engineer, known for his pioneering work on long-distance radio transmission, development of Marconi's law, and a radio telegraph system. He is credited as the inventor of radio.

[2] Bumblebee - designation B-127, is a fictional robot superhero in the many continuities in the Transformers franchise. One of the most well known characters from the Transformers.

[3] Zuko - Danny Zuko is the male lead from the popular movie Grease.

[4] “Stranded at the drive-in” - from “Alone at a Drive-In Movie”, one of Zuko’s songs in Grease