#herschel baumgardner

[cobalt-knave]

Let’s take a minute to fondly remember that Herschel F. Baumgardner canonically has tumblr. 

[incorrectkingfallsam]

You need to learn to relax or the stress will fucking kill you before the thing that's supposed to kill you gets the chance.

Herschel [to Ben]

[selfdestructivesmiles]

Sometimes Herschel makes me think of a doctor that I used to work with. One afternoon, after dealing with a very rude patient, she remarked that in her Navy days they would have had a sock party to deal with that individual.

I like to think that she and Herschel would be friends.

[kkorny]

Episode Seventy-One: Long Distance Relationship Transcript

(Note: First off to explain how my style of transcriptions work, a word in Italics means that the word is said with a different tone or Lily’s interludes in this episode. The Bold means extra emphasis on the word, generally anger/annoyance or just raising their voice and the name of the character who’s speaking. (Brackets) means extra sounds like laughs and sighs or background sound. Honestly, the quintessential King Falls AM episode. It’s has Sammy angst, supernatural weird/creepy stuff, Ben being a supportive good boi, Troy and his variety of original metaphors, Grumpy Herschel and SADNESS. And this episode shows how much progress Sammy has made in Episode 85. Lastly, the man, the myth, the cryptid Trent Shumway effing kills it in episode. Not only does he voice so many characters, each character is unique. Herschel’s role in this episode alone is worthy of an Oscar.)

(King Falls AM Theme song plays and the sound of a walkie talkie)

Herschel Baumgardner: Code Hotel Bravo to Delta Tango. I see the barrel of your boom-stick but you're aiming a tad bit high. Bring her down to your six just a smidge. (Walkie-talkie sound)

Sammy Stevens: Herschel, we implore you that we do not condone violence of any kind! Can you- (sighs) can you please not do anything involving-

Ben Arnold: Mister Baumgardner, what Sammy is saying is don't.

Herschel: That looks much much better. (Walkie talkie sound) Now what are you taint-tickles squawking about?

Sammy: About the fact you and Cecil are seemingly about to ambush!-

Herschel: Goddamn it, Shotgun. I didn't mean anything by that "taint-tickling" comment. Don't take it personal.

Sammy: I wasn't going to, until you said that!

Ben: Mister Baumgardner, please don't do any rash or stupid tonight. We-we are begging you.

Herschel: (WT sound) Delta tango, wait for my signal. I'll count you in. Copy? (W-t sound) Now what in a dick-filled Dixie cups are you two talking about, Ben Arnold? Did you just call me stupid?!

Ben: No!

Herschel: Son, I will drag you out of that radio station by your Bvds, rip off your arms and do the dead man's Macarena.

Ben: I didn't call you stupid!

Herschel: Goddamn right you didn't!

Ben: I called this secret mission stupid! It sounds dangerous and ill-conceived at best.

Sammy: Herschel, we cannot knowingly let you carry out some late night hit live on the air. If you and Cecil could just call off your ambush and talk about this, we'd appreciate it.

Ben: Greatly!

Herschel: What does Cecil have to do with any of this? And the time for talk is over and done with. (W-t sounds) On my signal we light this little bitch-ass.

Sammy: Should we call Deputy Lynch, Ben? I'm at a loss on this. Herschel, we will call the authorities if we have to. Please do not make us.

Herschel: Muzzle up, Comrade. We have movement. (WT sound) Lights in the back just came on. Stay low and stay silent, and put your biscuits in the oven cause we're about to butter em up. Hotel bravo, out. (WT)

(Crashing and door opening sound)

Greg Frickard: (Scared and confused) Uh, hello? (Steps forward) Hello? Is anybody out there? (Gasps) Sir Hopps-a-lot?

Ben: Holy- Are Mister Baumgardner and Mister Sheffield about to-?

Herschel: How many times do I have to tell you?! Cecil ain't with me, ya goofy little shit!

Greg: (calls out scared ) I hear you! Oh I hear you. Listen um I will um I will call (voice starts cracks) Sheriff Gunderson. And he will come over and oh he will end you. So you you come out and you show yourself. And you will probably leave(?)

Ben: Listen you can't do this Mister Baumgardner...

Herschel: We can't let this froggy freak make it back to the house! Fire at will! Light em up!

Sammy: Herschel no!!

(Sound of Paintballs firing and Frickard getting hit)

Herschel: Laughs) Peppered his peckered ass with those goddamn paintballs.

Sammy: Paintballs?

Ben: Oh dear god... I thought they were about to Murk his frog-loving ass.

Frickard: Oh god... you could have at least used green. You know that’s my favourite colour.

Sammy: This is still not right...

Herschel: I’m out, string-bean. Get down hamburger hill and let’s book.

Walkie talkie sound)

Wouldn’t waste a good bullet on that sorry son of a bitch!

Sammy: Herschel... why on earth are you sneaking around in the middle of the night and shooting up places of business with paintballs??!

Herschel: Hurry your lanky ass up! Mister Toad’s choad ain’t gonna be pissed in his pajama jams all night. He’s probably already on the phone with Gundy.

Troy Krieghauser: Sorry I’m here! Let’s book it Danno.

(Sound of car streaking away)

Ben: Wait is that...?

Sammy: Ok what in the hell is going on here?

Troy: Uh are you are you on the phone?

Herschel: Hell yes I’m on the phone and don’t go citing me your police number mumbo jumbo about using hands free devices because you ain’t a cop.

Troy: Uh who ya talking to? Is that Mister Sheffield?

Herschel: Hell no it ain’t Cecil. You know he wanted to stay home and rest. It’s your dumbass radio buddies.

Sammy: I can’t believe this...

Ben: Why on earth? You are live on the air mister-

(Sound of phone hanging up)

Ben: Sammy, what are you doing?!

Sammy: We had a bad connection,

Ben: No we didn’t?! We just heard a-

Sammy: -Prank call! Right Ben?!

Ben: I don’t see how mister Baum-

Sammy: -Right?!?!

Ben: Right... How silly of me to think that was something that actually happened and not an elaborate joke by someone impersonating a couple of our favourite callers...

Sammy: Great voice work! Some would say award winning.

Ben: I have to agree.

Sammy: (Sighs) That was way too much excitement.

Ben: Fake excitement!

Sammy: Right right you are correct. my goodness can we just go to break? Can we please just make that happen?

Ben: No can do! We got another couple minutes, Sammy. Also we got a call in from-

(Interrupted Sound of phone ringing)

Sammy: From the hotline?

Ben: Actually no with Dwayne Libbydale from Libbydale farms in about twenty minutes or so.

Sammy: But until then?

Ben: Hotline. Yes answer the thing! Who knows what other pranks are afoot out there?

Sammy: You are live on King Falls Am with Sammy And Ben.

Ben: It has such a nice ring to it doesn’t it?

Sammy: Enough...

Troy: Yawns) Oo woo wee. Howdy fellas! Long time no talk. Just woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep so I-

Herschel: don’t you dare say you were getting some make believe shut eye with me. The only person I knock boots with fake or otherwise was my dear sweet Edna. God rest her soul.

Sammy: ... Hey Troy. Sorry you couldn’t get back to sleep this evening.

Herschel: Goddamn Millennial nonsense. With your verbal shit posts. I expect more from a man in uniform, Krieghauser.

Ben: Is that your ornery Herschel Baumgardner alarm clock, Troy?

Troy: Well well I see I didn’t finish my story!

Sammy: Please do tell Troy!

Troy: First things first. Sammy?

Herschel: Sammy?

Troy: It’s good to hear you back on the air after all that mess with that dirty so and so. No you know what I’m just gonna say it! That dirty son of a bitch! He had no right no right at all to do that to you bud! I’m sorry you had to deal with it like that.

Herschel: Stevens? Why can you talk to those sorry sons of bitches and I can’t?

Troy: Like old Ben said, who you love or who loves you don’t matter one damn bit. I know I liked you from the very start and I consider you a brother and a best friend.

Sammy: I- i really appreciate that Troy.

Troy: Don’t think another thing of it! You got enough waiting on your mind to be thinking about what small towns and small minds might think of you. You’re a good man and that’s the only thing that should matter when it comes right down to it.

Sammy: I agree 100% percent Troy. And thanks for being you. You are a great friend.

Herschel: What’s he saying?

Troy: Second of all, now that the important stuff is out of the way. I’ve been catching up with old mister Baumgardner down here at umm Rose’s

Ben: Uh huh let me guess you’ve been-

Troy: Been here the last hour or so give or take.

Herschel: We just pulled up to Rose’s. Did you fall on some poisonous briar patches up there, Deputy?

Troy: Been here at Rose’s all night, Mister Baumgardner.

Herschel: Son Of a bitch, I ain’t deaf. I was just saying that- Yeah yeah! I like your style, Troy! Been here eating this godforsaken slog all the Mfing night.

(Sound of door opening)

You want something?

Troy: I’m good. Thanks Bud. Be in in sec.

Herschel: Watch it with that Bud stuff you lousy high-crossed Andy Griffith.

Troy: Anyhow, couldn’t sleep so I went up here for pancake puppies at Rose’s, found Mister Baumgardner up here. The end. All night long. The last hour or so I mean.

Ben: You yawned when we answered the phone, Troy.

Troy: Gosh darnit Ben. It’s late and I’m so gosh darn sleepy. And loose lips sink ships, ‘member Bud.

Ben: You’re right you’re right. I’m sorry. It’s just you know better than to wake up during these crazy hours and have pancake puppies with Mr Baumgardner.

Sammy: Even if its greatly appreciated, Troy. It still isn’t the smartest thing to do, you know?

Troy: Well I needed these Pancake puppies something awful bois. I had a big old hankering for heeping pile of justice and maple syrup.

Sammy: Syrup and Justice aside, please stay safe out there buddy.

Troy: Will do now I’m gonna go catch up with Mr Baumgardner and-

Ben: -and fill him in on your exciting evening?

Troy: Ben, this ain’t no laughing matter. Cut. It. Out, Joey Gladstone.

Ben: But you know better than to go and-

Troy: Have Rose’s in the middle of the night? You’re right! I do know better. I also know right from wrong. And I like righting wrongs too. Sometimes all those things come together. Just not tonight cause I was at Rose’s.

Ben: Understood.

Sammy: Troy…

Troy: I don’t need that tone Sammy. I know what you’re going to say. Sometimes pancakes puppies are best sold cold but in this case they’re served better not at all but I have to disagree with you there.

Sammy: I trust your judgement. Just again please stay safe out there there’s only one of you.

Troy: Loretta would say thank goodness for that. You boys take ‘er easy tonight and hopefully we can catch up all proper like.

Sammy: I hope we catch up soon too, future Sheriff.

Troy: Hey Sammy? About that sheriff stuff?

Ben: Everything ok? You’re not you’re not thinking about dropping out are you?

Troy: Heck nah! Hell I just filled out my paperwork down at City hall just yesterday morning.

Ben: Yes! This town needs this. Needs you!

Sammy: What’s up if it’s not you-

Troy: You know Sammy? You and I have been tighter than a python hugging an Opossum since you drove into King Falls. Wouldn’t you say?

Sammy: You were the very first person I met from Town, Troy. I recall it fondly.

Troy: Then you should know It would mean an awful lot to me and I mean an awful lot if I could count on your vote for sheriff come this November.

Sammy: Troy... of course I’d vote for you..

Ben: You heard it here folks Sammy Stevens will be here in November to vote.

Sammy: Damn It Ben.

Troy: Look I know you’ve got a whole hell of a lot on your plate these days. Damn dirty dealing with Frickard. The stuff about you know...-

Sammy: Jack.

Troy: Right.

Sammy: Right.

Troy: Jack Wright. I get it. I reckon it’s been on your plate for a lot longer than the past little while in all actuality.

Sammy: I understand what you’re saying, Troy. I just I really do wish-

Troy: I don’t think you do. I know you came here for him and I heard it and all just like the rest of the town. (Sammy: I’m sure.) But damn it all Sammy! I get that you’re hurtin, I truly do! But do you think that going back to California is gonna fix you back up? Get you right? I just don’t believe that and I don’t think you believe that either.

Sammy: It’s not about getting fixed up. There’s just there just isn’t better for me without Jack. Look I know you guys mean well-

Ben: We love you, Sammy. The whole town loves you. What are you going back to in the big city?

Sammy: It’s not the whole town first of all. And it’s not about the town Ben, it’s it’s so much more than that.

Ben: Than your friends?

Sammy: Ben...

Troy: Sammy? Ben is right. I know you said you was giving up but we ain’t gonna let you. Not today, not tomorrow, not never and not nohow.

Ben: I know we can find Jack, Sammy. Damnit I know we can!

Sammy: (sighs) Guys, this is a conversation for another time.

Troy: It just ain’t right. And I can’t with a good conscience let you go without saying my piece. You deserve better than being alone, Sammy.

Sammy: I disagree.

Ben: Well, you’re wrong.

Troy: Look at it like this, Sammy. I need all the help I can get in the upcoming election. A vote is a vote and we all know that everyone counts especially here in King Falls. Not only that but you’re a voice of the people.

Sammy: And so is Ben.

Troy: Well, when Ben needed us most, the town got together and did all we could to help a brother out. And to Ben’s credit, he didn’t put a Trump wall in between him and that help.

Sammy: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Ben Arnold is a hell of a guy, we all know that and it’s quite obvious that he’s a hero to boot. Not everybody is. Not everybody can be.

Troy: All I’m asking is that you stick around a little while longer and let us do the same for you. Get your head right and get you better.

Sammy: Right.

Ben: He’s just asking you to let us in. Give us time. Let us help. Just like everyone that’s been calling the last two weeks has been saying.

Sammy: Guys, no! Now let’s move on past this...-

Troy: Well Hell’s bells, Sammy! You know I ain’t gonna get a fair shake in this election. I’m gonna need all the help I can get from my co-best bud!

Sammy: I just can’t do it, Troy!

Troy: Dollars to donut holes, Sammy! I’d give up running for sheriff in a heart beat if it took away your pain!

Sammy: I understand but I need both of you to understand that I can’t do what you are asking me to do.

Ben: Won’t do. Not can’t.

Sammy: It’s the same thing, Ben.

Ben: I’ve got a new contract from Merv sitting on your desk.

Sammy: I threw it away. Let me tell you I’m getting sick and tired of you leaving them around everywhere. Alright?

Ben: Well it’s a good thing I printed out enough copies to kill Sweetzer forest.

Troy: And deforestation ain’t a good thing Sammy.

Ben: All it takes is one signature.

Troy: This is the last time I’ll say it. But I am gonna say it. I know you’re ready to give up and run away. I know it and I get it to some degree. When I got the badge taken away from me, I felt more lost than a puppy raised by polecats. But sittin-

Sammy: Troy please it’s not-

Troy: Let let let me finish. But sittin in an empty apartment back from where you’re from, ain’t gonna bring back Jack.

Ben: But we can. There’s no doubt in my mind, Sammy.

Sammy: Ben...

Troy: Look you might be right, Sammy, the odds are stacked against us and we all know it. But you didn’t haul your cookies to this one horse town to give up. You stayed in King Falls with the hopes that you’d get Jack back into your arms. Now I know that hasn’t happened yet but it damn sure is possible and you can’t forget about creatin a fantastic life here. Even if it wasn’t what you wished for. But it’s a life with friends that love you. We all wanna hear you broadcasting nightly on 660 am. And we’re all gonna put in an extra bit of elbow grease to make that happen and more importantly make you whole again!

Ben: Troy is absolutely right, Sammy, and I know you’re tired of hearing it but I’ve working on something-

Sammy: I am tired ! -What?

Ben: i have started a thought journal and I think there’s more than enough evidence.

Sammy: Goddamn it Ben! Are you serious?!

Ben: What?!

Sammy: A thought journal?!

Ben: Well at least it’s not a notebook?

(Sammy signature Uh huh noise)

Ben: Ok maybe it is and maybe I called it a thought journal to sneak it by you but regardless... I’ve been busting my ass on it day- And you said to make our time count and I’m doing just that. I’ve been burning the candle at both ends working with Emily.

Sammy: NO.

Troy: Sammy..?

Sammy: Do not Sammy me Troy. I I appreciate what you’re saying it it means a lot to me. I hope you know that. But for the last time, I can’t do what you’re asking me to do.

Ben: Sammy?

Sammy: I’ll deal with you in a second, Ben.

Ben: I’m sorry? Deal?

Sammy: Troy? When was the last time you were at my apartment?

Troy: Uh I don’t know?

Sammy: Right. Think about that.

Ben: What does that even mean, dude? I was at your place in January.

Sammy: Ok perfect example then. How do you like my place?

Ben: What?

Sammy: Its it’s a simple question. How do you like my apartment, Ben?

Ben: it’s fine. I mean it’s it’s just an apartment.

Sammy: Exactly that. It’s a couple rooms with some of my shit in it. It’s just an apartment because isn’t my home.

Ben: King Falls is your home, Sammy.

Sammy: No! I live here. I rent space here. Home is where the heart is and my heart is in the void with Jack Fucking Wright.

Troy: Alright alright I think maybe we should table this conversation and pick it up at another time, boys. We’re just doing laps in the please Sammy stay 500.

Sammy: I cant be here without Jack. I don’t wanna be here without Jack. I don’t want to be anywhere without Jack. Period.

Troy: Buddy...

Sammy: I-i love you guys and I even love this crazy town even though I failed. One of the many times I’ve failed but this one hurts the most. I I should’ve been able to save him.

Ben: You weren’t going to waltz into town not knowing anything about King Falls or the paranormal and just find Jack. That wasn’t in the cards. Ever.

Sammy: I did NOTHING and I did it for three goddamn years, Ben.

Ben: You helped me save Emily! That’s not nothing! You you helped me be the man I need to be. That’s not nothing.

Sammy: I sat here every night and pretended to be something I’m not. Hoping... hoping that Jack would waltz back into my life. Safe. Sound, Mentally. Well. I called places. I drove around. I looked online. I did nothing. It meant nothing.

Ben: So you’re saying we’re nothing to you? That all the friendships we’ve built don’t mean anything?

Sammy: I’m not saying that.

Ben: It sounds like that’s exactly what you’re saying.

Sammy: I’m hurting. I’m dying. I need to find Jack or I need to give it up. I tried one and now I’m doing the other.

Ben: You did one badly.

Sammy: Are you serious?!

Ben: You said it yourself! You that you looked for Jack badly. I told you there was no way you would’ve been able to do this alone. Knowing nothing about this shit!

Sammy: You don’t get to say that.

Ben: I don’t get to say that? I’m repeating you word for word! And I think if anybody gets to say that, it would be me.

Sammy: Don’t make this about you and me, Ben. It it is so much more than that.

Ben: Don’t make not finding Jack about you and King Falls. Let us help you, let us heal you. Good god, Sammy! You’ve hurt alone long enough. Stay in this goddamn town and let us at least try to make you better. You’ve made a life with us, man. Keep it!

Sammy: No.

Ben: Well I’ll ask you to stay until the day you drive off and don’t think I won’t do it.

Sammy: Ok! And you can do that Ben. But don’t get your hopes up! And for your sake, by god, put the put your thought journal new notebook away and quit bringing Emily and Troy into this.

Troy: To be fair, I brought myself into this.

Ben: And I’m not gonna stop with the notebook.

Sammy: Ben, I’m not playing with you.

Ben: I’m not playing with you, Sammy! You can’t just walk out on me, on us and expect me to do nothing! To grin and bear it. You’re making a huge mistake by leaving. I think your only mistake in this matter. But you’re free to do that.

Sammy: Ok, well thanks for letting me know I can leave.

Ben: I don’t want that, Sammy. I want you to stay more than anything. But I can’t force you to. Just like you can’t force me to stop looking for Jack. Even if you’re gone.

Sammy: Watch it.

Ben: Stop dad-voicing me, Sammy, I’m a grown man.

Sammy: Did you tell you height that?

Ben: Mhmm so funny. You can’t stop me from looking for him. I brought back Emily and damnit I will bring back Jack.

Sammy: Throw that notebook in the trash and stop this nonsense!

Ben: I’m gonna keep writing a save Jack notebook. Just like I did for Emily. In fact I’m gonna fill up every fucking notebook in town until I bring Jack Wright back to King Falls. Mark my words!

Troy: Boys boys hang on a spell. I think we got a situation here.

Sammy: Ben I’m not going to have you putting yourself in danger. Again. Not for me. Not for Jack. You you can’t do this.

Ben: Well I guess you better stay to stop me.

Troy: Shitfire boys!

(Sound of car door opening)

Ben and Sammy: What?!

Herschel: I hope you brought a real pistola Sheriff 40! Because we’re about to go blast some MotherFuckers to king of Kong. Son of a bitch!!!

Troy: Herschel, what in the world?!

Herschel: Ain’t got time to yak, deputy Dipstick! We’re riding out!

(Sound of car skidding away)

Troy: I ain’t got my seatbelt on!

Ben: What what what is going on, Troy?

Sammy: We aren’t through talking about this Ben.

Troy: I better go boys Herschel is driving like a Dale Earnheart out here. Herschel. There are bush’s there for heavens sake.

(Crashing sounds)

Herschel: and now there’s ain’t bushes there. Motherfuck. Don’t fail me now, Grand Cherokee.

Troy: Jack in the Box Jesus. He’s gonna drive us off a damn cliff.

Herschel: Are you still talking to Vladimir Putin and his miniature buddy Ben Jong Un? You talk more than Trumpy tweets on the can. Get off the phone and try Cecil!

Troy: Mister Sheffield?

Herschel: Did I fucking stutter? Give me that Nokia!

Troy: Keep your hands on the wheel. Oh my lord! I ain’t ready to meet Saint Peter Of San Pedro tonight.

Herschel: Shotgun? Ben?

Sammy: Herschel, What in the hell is going on?

Ben: Mister Baumgardner I know you’re a little excited but we’re actually kind of in the middle of thing here regarding Sammy and King Falls. Would would you mind-

Herschel: -Oh for the love of Napalm. I need to speak to an adult. Shotgun?

Sammy: Herschel.

Herschel: Look I know you got caught doing things that would get you tossed right out of this man’s army back in the day.

Sammy: Yeah I don’t want this.

Herschel: But that don’t mean a damn thing to me. I know you’ve got a backbone. I’ve heard you stand up to bad men for years. I’ve heard you stand up to... bad other things too. Right here on the radio.

Sammy: Herschel

Herschel: You’re a badass is what I’m saying, Stevens. I’d have you watching my six any day of the week, regardless of what team you fight for. You get what I’m saying?

Troy: Herschel, my lord, watch out for that mailbox!

Herschel: I saw the fucker. Now it’s airmail. Happy? Calm your ass down, Copper. What I’m saying is this world needs all the good men it can get. And I need you to back my ass up right now, kid.

Sammy: Ok I appreciate that but I don’t understand what you mean…-

Ben: How how can we help back you up?

Herschel: I need you two buffoons to stop fighting about Shotgun staying or leaving and try to get Cecil on the line. And I mean on the double, boys!

Sammy: Ok but...-

Herschel: -No buts. Cecil’s in deep deep dog shit and I’m busting my ass to go save his. Maybe you can do the same thing for your man too, Stevens. But right now get your head out of your ass and CALL CECIL!

(Phone hangs up)

Sammy: Ok i don’t understand.

Ben: I don’t either. Let’s just let’s call Mr Sheffield!

Sammy: Deep trouble? It’s three am? I-I thought they said he was sleeping?!

Ben: Well 3 am and trouble go pretty well together here, you know? Ok I got his number.

Sammy: You don’t think this is about Frickard do you?

Ben: It can’t be... I just I can’t think he’d retaliate and go after Mr Sheffield.

Sammy: Ok folks we are gonna take a real quick break here. Please stay wth us while we hear from our lovely sponsors. We’ll we’ll be right back.

(Archie’s Pomchi palace jingle starts playing but soon becomes increasingly distorted, slowed down and filled with static. Aka the scariest fucking audio recording ever when the Shadow Man says “Soooooon” at the end of the recording. Also a weird sound at the end of the “Soon” sounds like an echoey “hey” could be a secret Easter egg (maybe Jack or Mike?) and a second less long “soon”. And how they turned a catchy tune into a thing of nightmares. Static fades out but still there)

Ben: -to come and check on you.

Cecil: I’m just fine and dandy, Ben. (Static starts increasing again)

Ben: Wait... the commercial stopped? We’re back on the air?

Sammy: Cecil, can you hear us alright? There’s some static.

Ben: Sammy, we’re live again dude. What the hell happened to Archie’s ad?

Cecil: I kinda hear you, Ben’s friend. This connection ain’t the best.

Ben: Why why did Mister Baumgardner have us call you? Do you know?

Sammy: It sounds like Herschel is breaking every driving law in the books to get to you. You you don’t know why?

Cecil: I really ain’t so sure. He called and asked if I wanted something from Rose’s diner. And then got all freaked out on me.

Ben: Did he say why?

(Sounds of the shadow man in the background start and Cecil’s voice starts getting possessed)

Cecil: He told me to get out of the hHoOuse. And wait for him by his tree. Ben, something about Shadows.

Shadow Man: Shadows.

Cecil: Shadows...

Sammy: Did you hear?

Ben: I’m sorry Mister Sheffield. what was that?

Shadow Man: I better go...

Cecil: I better go. And wait for Herschel.

Shadow Man: (Groans a bunch)

Ben: Holy...-

Sammy: -Shit.

Cecil: TeLl HiM. Turn around Ben. Don’t let Herschel come in here. I got a bad feeling, son. I don’t think I’m...

Shadow Man: (Echoey) You Will Obey.

Cecil: ObEy!

Sammy: You gotta call Herschel. You gotta stop him.

Ben: I’m on it. How did they- that’s the guy right?

Sammy: Cecil, c-can you hear me?

Cecil: I hear you just fine, SaMmY.

Sammy: Oh shit.

Cecil: Looks like-

Shadow Man: -A VeSsEl.

Cecil: (eerily calm) Herschel is here, Sammy. I’m gonna go out and see what the big to do is about.

Sammy: (starting to panic) Cecil, don’t do that. Stay here on the phone with me please.

Cecil: I can’t do that Sammy Stevens.

Sammy: Cecil I-I know you can fight it. Whatever his is I-I heard it fight it stay with me. Stay with us.

Ben: They just pulled up to Herschel’s place and damn it!

Sammy: Cecil let’s let’s talk. Let’s talk about Esther.

Shadow Man: Find it. Fight it!

Cecil: (goes back to normal for a little bit) Esther? Esther Rollins? Well she’s my girl, Ben’s friend. Has she called in?

Sammy: Uh yeah she she has. We just talked to her, Cecil.

Cecil: Oh Ben’s friend… I miss her so much. I keep this little crocheted heart she made me.

Shadow Man: She’s here, Cecil with mE. With us. Would you want to see her? (Echoey and weird demonic laughing in background)

Cecil: I want to see her real bad Ben’s friend.

Sammy: Fight it, Cecil. Do you hear me? Talk talk to me. Fight it.

Cecil: Fight?

Sammy: Yes yes fight it.

Ben: Herschel doesn’t know what to do man. He he wants to go in. Should he go in?

Sammy: No!

Shadow Man: Yes!

Debbie: No!

Jack/ unknown voice: Help me!

Cecil: I don’t feel so good, Ssms Friend.

Sammy: Herschel cannot go in there Ben.

Shadow Man/Cecil: CoMe SaVe HiM, sAmMy.

Sammy: Cecil? Save save who? Let him go, you son of a bitch!

Shadow Man: JaCk. WrIgHt

Sammy: (shocked and scared) What?

Ben: Cecil?

Sammy: YOU LET HIM GO!! DO YOU HEAR ME?! DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME?!?

Ben: Sammy what is?-

(Shadow man laughing)

Cecil: He said Esther was there, Ben’s friend. And Edna. And Debbie. They’re all there. I didn’t know. Did did I do something bad?

Sammy: YOU LET HIM GO!

Cecil: I don’t feel so good.

(Shadow Man roaring)

Sammy: C-Cecil? Can you can you hear me Cecil? Cecil?

(Knocking at door)

Debbie: I need more time!

(Sound of door breaking in and Cecil falling on the ground)

Herschel: Call an ambulance Troy! I just watched Cecil hit the floor! Son of a bitch! DON’T YOU DO THIS TO ME, Cecil! You hear me, Buddy?! You can’t do this to me. Not again... GODDAMN IT. NOT YOU TOO... Come on Cecil. Please don’t do this. You’re all I’ve got.

(End of the episode, ends with beautiful but sad piano music, Credits roll)

[claired3lune]

Herschel talking about how he visits Cecil everyday and sometimes even stays the night broke my God damn heart and if Cecil doesn't end up okay I'm gonna throw hands

[podcastsaremyjam]

Hey y’all!

I’m working on a project, and I need some help. What are your favorite quotes from the following characters?

-Ben

-Sammy

-Emily

-Herschel

-Chet

-Archie

-Ron

-Pete

-Fucking Frickard

-Tim

-Mary

-Cynthia

-Jacob

-Lily

-Reagan

[youurelovely]

Episode 76

Herschel and Lily talking to each other is too powerful

[dani-the-toad]

au idea: instead of jack disappearing, emily getting abducted, and cecil being the vessel, its sammy that disappears, ben is taken by the rainbow lights, and herschel is the vessel.

just consider it

[impishnature]

Some Sound Advice

AO3

Fandom: King Falls AM

Rating: T+ (Swearing mostly)

Summary: Sammy and Herschel have a heart to heart. Or, as close to one as they're physically capable of. There's a high chance Sammy won't follow any of Herschel’s advice. There's a high chance Herschel won't follow any of Sammy's either.  Still- that won't stop them trying to make a point. (Post 75).

AN: I love all the characters and all the characters need their moment after episode 75.

.

The night felt serener than Sammy felt it had any right to be.

There was a tranquil hush around him, the quiet breeze whistling through the leaves and the brush, the stars twinkling brightly above him, constellations mapped out across the sky and reflecting into the dark cold waters ahead.

And there in front of him sat a lone man, quiet and hunched, with a little lamp at the end of the dock, enveloped in a small bubble of light as if it would protect him from the dark.

"I've found him."

The whisper did nothing to alert him of his presence, if anything the man seemed lost, eyes zoned out across the water, following the line of his fishing rod as if it was his lifeline to the world, or perhaps the only line he had to another world altogether. Sammy slipped his phone back into his pocket after he'd made it clear where they were, his friends were stressed enough as it is, without making it harder for them all by going to ground as well.

They'd had enough of that, all of them had, after the night the radio tower was hit. Hearing that Herschel was nowhere to be found had given them all another layer of concern to mix in with the rest.

The dock creaked beneath his foot as he finally stepped out onto it. He held his breath, watching Herschel snap out of his reverie, shake himself even if he didn't turn around to greet him.

"Finally found my spot, hey, Ron?" Herschel sniffed, a gruff tone as he scrubbed at his face before turning around. He blinked, face slack, no smile to be found, nor the deep scowl that Sammy had become accustomed too since meeting him for the first time. "Oh. It's just you, Stevens. Well, you better not tell anyone where you found me."

Sammy smiled sadly. "Course not." He waited until Herschel rolled his eyes, jerking his head in a way that told him to jump to it and get over there already. His smile warmed at that, waiting for a snide remark that never came as he made his way to sit on the end of the dock beside him. "What are you doing out here, Herschel?"

"'Kind of question's that? I'm fucking fishing."

Sammy huffed, leaning his head back to look up at the stars. "You know what I meant." He shook his head when he got no reply other than an annoyed grunt, though his smile slipped along with it. "You know, Troy went to go check up on you."

"Ahh, that's how you found me. String bean still thinks he's a cop."

"Herschel-"

"What? I just came to spend a night fishing. That a crime, Shotgun?"

The words were defensive, waspish and abrupt but Sammy knew that they weren't meant for him- any of them really.

He tried not to take it personally, not when he knew he could be a lot worse if he really wanted to be. 

"No. Of course not. Troy just got worried when he went to the hospital and you weren't camped out in your usual spot." 

"Stupid kids. I'm fine. Don't need you lot chasing after me, like I'm some old man that can't-" He sighed, cutting himself off with a soft litany of curses, his shoulders hunching up round his ears as he reeled in his lure.

Sammy let him, biting down on any more questions as he watched him mutter darkly to himself. He waited, staring out across the water, listening to the hiss and clink as he cast back out, watched the ripples cascade out as the lure found it's mark and Herschel relaxed ever so slightly beside him again.

A sigh echoed out across the water, irritated and sad all at once.

"They realised I was camping there."

Sammy blinked at the candid words, the gruffness tight and more put on than usual. He didn't know whether to interrupt though, instead staying silent, staring away from him.

"They realised that night when- you know." His voice hitched higher for a second. "They tried to get me to leave the last few, but then they got fucking Gunderson and his goons to move me along. Brought a tow truck and everything." 

A flood of warm anger pooled in Sammy's stomach at the sentiment. "Can they even-"

"Who knows. Not like they gave two shits. Sons of bitches, the whole lot of em." Herschel spat into the water beside him, grip tightening on his rod before relaxing with a vicious grin. "You tell Troy I'll be backing him every step of the way, not that I wasn't anyway, but still." His face fell as he turned back to the water. "Anyway, couldn't go back to the hospital tonight, didn't feel like going home, thought this was the best place for me."

Sammy nodded, letting the words wash over him. "What about the boat?"

There was another beat of silence, the words somehow impossibly tighter than before. He hazarded a glance over at Herschel before darting his gaze away, the pain not quite open enough for either of them to feel comfortable with him seeing.

"...Don't feel right without Cecil."

"Oh."

The quiet was more strained than before after that, a tenseness to the air that spoke of a lot more than Sammy was sure Herschel would ever be willing to say.

He wondered if he regretted it, all that time they weren't speaking all because of a sponsorship, and all the to and fro arguments before that. 

He hoped not, they'd been friends in the end and that was what mattered. And Cecil wouldn't want him regretting things, not now, not when Herschel had done everything in his power to stay by his side all day and night, had broken every rule in the book to get to him when he needed him to the most, even if it had been too late.

"We'll- he'll be alright. You know that, don't you, Hersh?"

"Course I do." Herschel sniffed, sitting up straight. "Told you that before, myself. He's a tough old fuck and he's hanging in there. Blasted shadows aren't gonna take him down, not if I've got anything to say about it."

Sammy felt a different tenseness to the air this time, a sharpness to Herschel's gaze that almost begged him to ask about his earlier comments. To ask what he'd do if they couldn't win...

He made the very deliberate choice to keep his mouth shut.

Instead he nodded wordlessly. Took a shaking breath in at his own easy acceptance of Herschel's words, as if beating back the shadows was something he had any hope in doing. As if he thought they had any chance in succeeding, after everything that had happened. 

Herschel seemed to catch something too in his expression. His sharpness softening, even as his scowl appeared, in a way that Sammy could only describe as gruff disappointment clouding his expression.

For some reason it made his heart lurch painfully.

"Speaking of shadows, Stevens. I think we have other things to talk about."

"Now, Herschel-"

"Don't 'Herschel' me. Your Dad voice might work on Arnold but I'm at least twice your age, you little shit." The look Herschel levelled him with would have made the plants around them shrivel if it could. "You're a damn fool, you know that?"

"I've been given that impression by everyone so far, yes." The words came out almost jovial, though Sammy couldn't help the way his hands tightened into the edge of the pontoon, the way his shoulders hunched and his head bowed as he felt the glare burn into the back of his head.

"Don't put that voice on with me either."

"What voice would that be?"

"Your darn radio voice. Pretending it don't matter when it does." Herschel growled, cursing another blue streak before he seemed to reign it in. "I thought I told you that this world needed all the good men it could get?"

"That's not very-"

"Don't sass me, Stevens. I meant what I said to you that night. I needed you to watch my back and you came through." He kicked out, nudging Sammy's shoulder with his boot. "I thought it was damn well implicit that it worked the other way round too."

Sammy didn't respond, too busy determinedly staring at the ripples in the lake.

Herschel sighed again, a deep, sadder sigh that didn't fit him in Sammy's books.

He got another kick to make up for it though.

"We ain't ready to lose you yet, Stevens. You or Cecil."

Sammy gulped before he could respond, his throat constricting with a wave of emotion left behind by the last few exhausting days. "...Believe me, everyone's making that quite clear."

"I bet they are. Surprised you were allowed out here on your own to come find me."

Herschel snorted at the strangled disgruntled noise he made in response, reeling his line in a bit as he waited out his spluttering.

"Can I give you some advice, Stevens?"

Sammy sighed, a mock exasperated sound as he leaned back on his hands. "I feel like you'll give it to me whether I say yes or no at this point."

"Oh, stop being such a smartass, Shotgun and listen here." Herschel rolled his eyes, his scowl well and truly on his face as he waited for Sammy to finally look at him. "Now, I'm pretty sure you know by now how much I loved my Edna. Heck, I miss her every day. But you know what she'd do if I took a swan dive off the end of this pier?"

Sammy's stomach twisted nauseatingly at the mere suggestion. "Don't-"

"I'm not finished, Shotgun. If I tried to meet my maker early, just to be with her, you know what she'd do?" He gave him a beady eyed stare, locking eyes with him. "She'd kick my ass is what she'd do. Probably kick me back to life if she could."

Sammy laughed, a shocked hysterical sound. "She sounds like quite the woman."

"Damn right, she was." Herschel's scowl shifted into a proud smile. "Damn right. And you know what? I reckon if your man loves you half as much as you love him, he'd kick your ass just as hard."

Sammy swallowed in response, the lump in his throat tight and constricting as he pulled away from Herschel's determined and stern gaze. He gulped, tried to push the lump down a few times unsuccessfully before his windpipe finally let him talk without the chance of cracking. Herschel remained quiet, let him deal with his emotions without a word and Sammy couldn't be more grateful for that. "Point taken."

"No point, just some advice, remember?" 

Sammy laughed, a choked sound, more of a hiccup of emotion as he shook his head. "I'm not sure I know what the advice in that was."

"Sure, you do. Do some stupid, reckless shit like that again and you'll get your ass beat whether you survive or not."

He did laugh properly that time, a shocked burst of energy at Herschel's bluntness. "OK, yeah, that's sound advice."

"See? Wasn't so hard to get, now was it. Guess you're smarter than you look." Herschel's grin grew victoriously toothy as Sammy shoved his still nudging foot away from his arm. "Not too smart, mind, considering what you've been up to but hopefully at least smart enough not to make the same mistake twice." 

"I'll try my best."

"You better do more than that, Stevens." Herschel's grin fell back into a frown, eyebrows furrowed deeply. He waited for Sammy to respond, but all he got was a shrug, his eyes cast out across the water.

He was about to snarl out another string of curses at him when the words fell from his mouth and off the end of the pontoon.

"I'm not ready to leave yet, not anymore."

Herschel wound in his line some more, eyes on his reel as Sammy sniffed, pulling himself up straight, deciding once more that some moments of weakness should be left as they were.

"Don't think I'd be able to make the same mistake twice anyway." Sammy's smile wavered, plastered on like a mask that came with that voice of his. "When you said about people having my back, I didn't think that meant people always watching it from now on."

Herschel huffed. "Yeah well. Watching people's back means protecting them even from themselves. And-" He spoke louder as Sammy opened his mouth to argue. "You can't talk. I heard you do the same with Ben. You weren't about to let him obsess himself into an early grave, now were you?"

Sammy's mouth closed with a sharp snap, his expression calculating as if the dots hadn't aligned before that moment. "I guess not."

"Guess, my ass." Herschel continued to stare down at his rod, even as Sammy's eyes burned a hole in his head. His next words came out quietly, in the same manner that Sammy's had before. "So, you best not give any of em stick for watching yours now, otherwise you'll have me to deal with."

He glanced up at Sammy for barely a second, watched him nod in response before turning back towards the water, eyes drifting upwards to the sky again.

The serene hush took over once more between them, more peaceful than it had been before, the open air and open atmosphere somehow lightening the darkness that was the last few days for both of them.

A small bubble of light, against the world.

"Hey, Herschel, can I give you some advice too?"

Herschel hummed, a noncommittal and already half irritated sound. "...I'll bite. Not that I have high hopes."

Sammy ignored the jab, his mouth a thin, serious line though he preferred to look at Herschel from his peripherals instead of headlong, just in case of the impending fallout. "I'm pretty sure Cecil will kick your ass if he wakes up and finds out you haven't been looking after yourself the entire time he's been out for the count."

"Cecil couldn't kick my ass if he tried." The words held no real heat behind them, just the affronted answer that needed to be said before he took the matter seriously. The comment lacked a lot more though, his shoulders drooping just slightly, the words tired and accepting in a way Sammy had never expected, at least not so quickly. "...But I guess that's good advice, Shotgun."

"See? I can give good advice too." He couldn't help but try to lighten the mood again, a flare of guilt washing through him at the suddenly contemplative man beside him.

Herschel huffed, rolling his eyes as his voice turned sharp again. "Yeah, yeah, once in a blue moon. I won't hold my breath for any more nuggets of wisdom in the near future."

"Damn. Well, I hope I made this one count then."

Herschel gave him another sharp gaze, though this time he refused to be quelled by it, smiling as innocently as he possibly could as the other struggled to come up with a good enough answer.

"Oh, stop looking so smug, you little shit. I told you I got it. But if you think I'm just gonna jump up, tail between my legs you've got another thing coming."

"Herschel..."

"What? I said I fucking got it. Let me have my night of fishing like I planned." Herschel shifted awkwardly in his seat, as if aggravated at being made to explain himself to anyone, let alone him of all people. "If it'll make you stop whining at me like that, I'll have you know that when visiting hours end tomorrow, they won't have any trouble with me leaving." He scowled at him again, mouth twisting darkly. "Well? You happy? Or do I need to kick you off the end of this pontoon to get you to quit it?"

"Hey. I'm not going to complain at a compromise. Anything's better than nothing."

"Thank fuck for that." 

Sammy couldn't help the chuckle at the relieved growl as Herschel settled back into his chair. He kept his mouth shut, not risking pushing him any further on the subject. It was a sore spot that was for sure, and he couldn't blame him for that.

He was just happy that his words had gotten through at all.

"You wanna learn how to fish, Sammy?"

There was a hint of a moment when Sammy sat there, hearing the unsaid words. The Do you mind sitting up with me? But it vanished before another dawning realisation, a bright gleeful grin forming across his face in amusement. "Did you just call me-"

"I don't know what you're talking about, Stevens. Now do you wanna learn how to fish or not?" Herschel sniffed loudly, his words sharp and gruff once more.

"Why not? If I'm going to learn from anyone it might as well be the best."

"Damn straight- and you best not tell anyone what I teach you, or there'll be fucking hell to pay."

"Oh, trust me, I don't doubt that for a second."

[smol-bean-dragon-hoard]

Episode 72

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO CECIL SHEFFIELD AND HERSCHEL BAUMGARDNER!? BE NICE TO MY BABIES; HOW DARE YOU LET THIS HAPPEN TO HIM!

YOU. ARE. HURTING. ME.

[voiceoftnightvale]

Like You're Running Out of Time

CECIL NOOOO

damn it this made me cry and Herschels voice crack didn’t help at all

[rinrinp42]

It’s not the best as the reference stock photo I used to get the basic positions ended up smaller than I thought, but have the crew comforting Sammy post episode 68 based on this thread by @vampirateslagoon and @angel-starbeam

The order form left to right is Emily, Ben, Ron, Sammy with a pomchi, Archie, Cecil, and Herschel, with Troy in front with waffles, and Mary in back.

[incorrectkingfallsam]

Herschel: So, who broke the coffee machine? I’m not mad, I just want to know.

Troy: I did, I broke it -

Herschel: No. No, you didn’t. Arnold?

Ben: Don’t look at me. Look at Sammy!

Sammy: What? I didn’t break it.

Ben: Hmm. That’s weird. How did you even know it was broken?

Sammy: Because it’s sitting right in front of us, and it’s broken.

Ben: Suspicious.

Sammy: No, it’s not!

Emily: If it matters, probably not...Archie was the last one to use it.

Archie: Liar! I don’t even drink that crap.

Emily: Oh, really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?

Archie: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that, Emily!

Troy: Alright, let’s not fight. I broke it, let me pay for it, Herschel.

Herschel: No. Who broke it?

Sammy: Lily's been awfully quiet...

Lily: Really?

Sammy: Yeah, really!

---

Herschel: I broke it. It burned my hand so I punched it. I predict ten minutes from now, they’ll be at each other’s throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick. Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.

[non-binarycryptid]

I felt very attacked yesterday when I got the notification for a new King Falls AM ep only to find channel 13 kissing the asses of terrible people but now I just feel even more attacked now that I actually got the episode I wanted

[kkorny]

King Falls AM Anger Alignment Chart

[queenbeyondthewalll]

KFam ep. 71

In the beginning of the episode, when Sammy and Ben are on the phone with Herschel while he and Troy are about to go after frog boy, Herschel says through the radio to Troy “Hotel Bravo to Delta Tango”. Knowing the NATO phonetic, I instantly knew Hershel’s code name is just his initials: Herschel Baumgardner.

I had to think about it a bit more for Troy- DT? What do those stand for? T could still be for Troy, but what was a word that would go before Troy that started with D?

That’s the thought that figured it out. Delta Tango is for Deputy Troy. I doubt Troy would have attached Deputy to his name, not any more, and Herschel knows he’s not a cop anymore (he said so a few moments later) but Herschel is a big softy and respects the hell out of Troy