#Mcmullet’s International Palace of Snake Skin Boots

[kingfallshistoricallibrary-blog]

Episode Sixteen: Santa Clause Ain’t Comin’ to Town

[podcast music]

[King Falls AM music]

B: You’re off the charts excited, Sammy. Are you sure this isn’t about Christmas vacation?

S: Not at all, I've just finally got something big to bring to the table spooky stuff wise, and I cannot wait-

B: You are glowing, man, I can’t wait to hear this.

S: Good evening, ladies and gents, and welcome to King Falls AM, that’s 660 on the AM dial. And this is our last show of the year, our last show before our big Christmas break, as Ben mentioned.

B: Lets not say big, it’s just a break, but we’ll be right back here literally on New Years Day. Thanks, Merv. But we’ve got a hell of a show for you.

S: Okay, can I just get a few minutes off the top to talk about today’s discovery?

B: I was literally just saying the floor is yours, Sammy.

S: Okay, alright, so you know sometimes I'm a little bit, uh, skeptical, when it comes to-

B: Literally everything, you are skeptical of every phenomenon that has crossed our paths.

S: I wouldn’t say every.

B: Oh, I would. Do you wanna recap? There was the alien abduction, the-

S: *laughing* No, no, no, I think you know your stuff, so, you should know that I'm very excited to bring my own bit of King Falls lore to the table tonight.

B: Before you press on, are you sure this is a good idea?

S: What do you mean?

B: I'm not trying to be, argumentative here, but the last time you brought in a find of your own like this, you brought Howard Ford Beauregard the Third into our lives.

S: That was a mistake, and we have talked about that.

B: I know, I'm just saying. Be super sure about this one, huh?

S: This is nothing like HFB3.

B: Then please continue, my friend.

S: So, I was out doing a little bit of shopping earlier today at the King Falls mall-

B: Was it crazy crowded? I still have to pick up something special for. My mom.

S: It was crowded, not Black Friday crowded, but nicely, darkly, opaque Tuesday, if you will.

B: Okay, cool.

S: We all know that gift is not for your mom, by the way.

B: Whatever.

S: So. I'm at the mall, I make my purchases, but I'm all worked up, I got an appetite, and I'm not gonna wait in line at the eatery with the Christmas people, you know? So I'm thinking, why not go the three minutes away to Frickard’s?

B: Traitor. But, I get it.

S: So I make the drive over to my favorite froggery, a number 5 fricassee with extra frog puppies-

B: You actually eat the frogs there, man? I heard they poach them directly from lake Hatchineha.

S: Don’t say that, they are a fine sponsor of the show.

B: Facts are facts.

S: Okay, so I get there and pulling up, right beside me, is this beautiful candy apple red corvette. It was a beauty, let me tell you, early 1960s, but the closer I look, the weirder it gets. It’s got bells, like sleigh bells, all over this thing-

B: Lets, uh, move on, Sammy.

S: So I look over at the driver, this bigger older gent steps out of the car, red suit, red tie, massive white beard.

B: Sammy, I think we should-

S: Tiny little glasses, rosy red cheeks, and the friendliest damn face I've ever seen. He introduced himself as Chris.

B: So you run into a mall Santa running late for work?

S: Oh, this was no mall Santa, Ben, this was the Santa. We made chit chat, and there was only one available table, so with it just being myself and him we took it-

B: You had lunch with a mall Santa.

S: Ben! He knew my name, without me saying it!

B: You’re a radio sensation, Sammy, lots of people know your name.

S: Do they know my childhood address? What I got for Christmas when I was six? I don’t think so.

B: Oh, jeez, you’ve got a Santa stalker, buddy. Either that, or Creepy Carl got released on bail. Moving forward-

S: He knew all this stuff, Ben. My wants, my likes, good things and bad things. Y'know I'm pretty protective of my personal life, Ben.

B: Yeah, I do, Shotgun.

S: This was Santa Claus, real as day, right here in King Falls. Not only that, but he told me that he actually vacations here part of the year! Think about that, the big guy hanging out here! Dude, why are you looking at me like this?

B: Do you know how many older gentleman in the world dress up as Santa Claus, Sammy? A lot. It’s a job for some folks. Some of them go to hospitals. It’s a big deal for some folks. This was one of those guys, just pulling your chain, Sammy. Santa living here part time is, *scoffs*, I doubt very, very seriously that this guy you met-

S: It was him. I don’t understand why you’re so hell bent on dismissing this. If a caller called in with this story, you’d be on a mission.

B: I'm not hell bent on dismissing you, I'm just looking at this from all angles, how about that?

S: Are you saying King Falls isn’t good enough for a Santa vacation home? A second house?

B: Not at all. That’s ludicrous….did he tell you I said that?

S: Ah ha! So you know I'm right.

B: No, Santa, I mean, mall dude Santas are tricky, I don’t trust them. Look at this wedge he’s driving, man.

S: You know something about this.

B: You want me to tell you what I know?

S: I do!

B: Here’s the scoop. I know you met some guy. I know he’s not Santa, because Santa would not go to Greg Frickard’s place to eat. I know-

S: You’re full of it.

B: You wanna put this to the callers? We can poll this thing out.

S: I think I do, Ben, this guy knew what I got for Christmas years ago. He knew about Wolfington the terrier, which I got for Christmas, as a kid, he knew it all.

B: Okay, King Falls, do you think Sammy met the real Santa Claus earlier today? Think about this, and give us a call. 424-279-3858.

S: You are on, buddy. I'm not gonna be the only person here-

B: Operation King Falls Kringle!

*banjo music*

Randy: Howdy y’all, it’s Randy Mcmullet from Mcmullet’s international palace of snake skin boots. And I'm  here to let you know we’ve got some rattlin’ news for you. After this sensational success of black mamba Friday, it’s time to roll out our next deal of the year. This weekend it’s our annual secret Santa albino snake skin special. We’ll have all our whitesnake choices at our unbeatable dark snake prices. So slither on down, just outside of town, at the corner of route 72 and Old Bombing Range Road. Mcmullet’s International Palace of Snake Skin Boots. Where we fill your boots, with savings.

[King Falls AM music]

S: What the hell was that about?

B: It’s about saving money on boots, man.

S: No, whatever you yelled, right before the commercial.

B: I don’t know what you’re talking about, I sneezed.

S: I'm watching you.

B: Watch away, Sammy. Pick a line they’re all lit up! Like Christmas!

S: You’re way too smug, I don’t like this. Lucky. Line. One.

B: An excellent choice.

S: Good evening, you’re on with Sammy and Ben.

Cynthia: First off, Sammy, obviously you’re off your rocker. Santa lives in the north pole!

S: Hi Cynthia.

C: Secondly, are you for real shopping at the King Falls mall? Do you have a death wish?

B: What are you on about, Mrs. Higgenbaum?

S: It honestly wasn’t that busy.

C: I'm not talking about crowds! I'm talking about the gang of vampires that live in the mall. Just waiting for the perfect time to strike.

B: What?

C: Of course you wouldn’t know, Ben.

B: I'm pretty up to date on my-

C: Obviously you are not, or you’d know about the gang of vampires that live in the mall.

S: Cynthia, thanks for calling tonight, even if you are dead wrong about Santa. Now, would you like to expand about this, uh, the-

C: Gang of vampires.

S: Right.

B: How do you know they’re vampires, Cynthia?

C: Pale much? Check. Dark clothes? Check. Never ever out in the light of day? Check!

Ben and Sammy overlapping: Talking about hot topic, aren’t you?

C: They just glare at you, soulessly, when you walk in! Eyeing you up and down, probably looking for a good vein.

S: Or a neck tattoo.

C: This is not to be made light of, Sammy, you’ll see.

B: They’re just goth kids, Mrs. Higgenbaum.

C: Oh please! Like you know! Let the record state that when King Falls is overran in a lost boys type fashion by these emo vampires, that I tried to warn you. And you just laughed!

S: What do you recommend, Cynthia, should we stock up on garlic and stakes?

B: I think just knowing our parents loved us enough should do the trick.

C: Laugh it up, you dumbs. You know I hate telling I told you so, but I will tell your ass I told you so so fast! Merry Christmas!

*hang up noise*

B: So, we’ll count that as a no. Oh and one, Sammy.

S: Line five, welcome to King Falls AM.

Finn: Hey Sammy, hey Ben!

S: Hey Finn, long time no talk buddy! You doing alright?

F: Oh yeah, never better. Just had to get a couple of shots, y’know?

B: That’s good to hear, Finn. What’s your take on this?

F: Oh, I was actually just phoning ‘cause I wanted to tell you fellas Merry Christmas before it was too late.

B: Merry Christmas to you too, Finn. Stay safe out there on the roads.

F: You know it.

S: Thanks for calling in, Finn, and y’know we’re glad that you’re feeling better. We were pretty worried about you.

F: Aww, you fellas! Howl at the moon one little time and you guys get all worried.

S: It was more than once, Finn.

F: You know what I'm saying. It’s not like I'm going to sleep and waking up naked in a field somewhere with chicken feathers and god knows what all over me...on the regular.

S: That...is...uh. Good to hear, Finn.

F: Just every now and then, y’know?

B: Okay. You, you take care of yourself. Happy holidays.

F: You know it!

*hang up noise*

B: That was another-

S: Don’t count that. Finn didn’t comment on it either way.

B: I’ll mark it as “Switzerland”. Another call?

S: You bet your ass another call. You pick a line.

B: Uhhh, line three, good evening and welcome to-

Hershel Baumgardner: You goofy sons of b**** hung up on me last time I called! When I get my dick beaters on you, there’ll be hell to pay!

B: Uh, we must have been having phone difficulties, Hershel, we would never...did you call during the electrolocaust?

HB: I called two damn weeks ago Ben Arnold, don’t you electric holocaust me. You gotta wake up pretty damn early in the morning to scoot one past Hershel F. Baumgardner.

S: Hershel, we are so sorry the phones were malfunctioning last time you called. Are you on tonight to talk about Santa's appearance and possible living in King Falls?

HB: Santa who? Santa Livingston? I haven’t heard from that son of a b*** since the beaches of Normandy.

S: Santa Claus, Hershel.

Hb: No! I ain't here to talk about no Santy Claus. You two need to grow the f**** up.

B: What’s on your mind, Hershel?

HB: Don’t rush me, you two toned pecker sniff. I’ll get to it when I get to it.

S: Hershel, do you think-

HB: Motherf****. I had it before you opened your damn trap. I’ll ring you later when I can think of it, and you better not hang up on me again.

S: You do that, Hershel, if we don’t hear back from you before then, have a Merry Christmas.

HB: You two going somewheres?

B: It’s our Christmas break, but we’ll be back live on New Year’s Day.

HB: You know what my generation called breaks?

S: They weren’t just breaks?

HB: We called it being f***ing dead, ‘cause that’s the only break you get in life, you free loadin’ radio commies. Enjoy your break, and vacay or whatever you pansy bastards call it.

B: Happy holidays to you too, Hershel.

HB: I didn’t kill Hitler to say happy f***ing holidays…*trails off, mumbling*

*hang up noise*

S: Ladies and gentleman, Ben and I are talking about the appearance of Santa here in King Falls earlier today. I was told from the jolly one himself that he enjoys staying in the Falls quite a bit when he isn’t in the busy season. Ben says otherwise.

B: Have you or anyone you know ran into this phoney Santa saying he’s squating here? If you have, give us as call *cough*OperationKingFallsKringle*cough*

S: I knew you were up to something!

B: Please, you’re paranoid because you’re losing. Line two, this is King Falls AM.

Troy: Hey fellas, Merry Christmas! Or Happy Hanukkah, if that’s the way your dreidel spins, or have a good Kwanzaa, etc and so on.

S: Merry Christmas, Troy.

B: Are you not supposed to call us on duty?

T: I'm on break, Ben, dammit all. Don’t start. I'm calling to tell you something important.

B: This again? You’re a broken record. Bye, Troy.

S: Don’t. Let him speak.

B: *scoffs* Whatever.

T: Thanks, Sammy. And right off the bat, I wanna tell you I believe you saw what you say you saw.

B: Troy! Come on! You know the drill!

T: I'm not saying he was or he wasn’t. I'm just saying if you saw him, I believe you. Maybe a man just wants to lay low, far away from the spotlight. I mean, King Falls is a heck of a town to retire to.

S: Mark that down, Ben.

B: He’s only saying it just to spite me.

T: That ain’t close to true, and you know it Ben Arnold. Now if you’ll permit me, I've got a gift for you.

B: If this is your friendship, I hope you kept the receipt.

T: It’s actually not that. Though it’s ripe for the picking whenever you want it, Ben.

B: Don’t hold your breath.

S: Come on. Do you wanna bring it by the station Troy?

B: Don’t.

T: Well, the problem is that I bought it online and I'm, I'm having it shipped here, and well...seems it's going to be a little late.

B: Of course it is. You can’t even get a Christmas present right, try. Just give it up.

T: We were best buds growing up. I ain't giving up on that. Or you. I mean, you’ll see. You and me we’ll be back where we started just as sure you can say pickled pied piper.

B: Next caller.

T: That’ll work too. Well, I’ll quit yacking and make like a shepherd and get the flock out of here.

S: Take care, Troy. Merry Christmas to you and yours, buddy.

B: Bye already.

T: Catch you later, future buddy.

*hang up noise*

B: We have time for one or two more before break, you wanna keep going or give it up?

S: By my count, we’re tied.

B: Glutton for punishment. Call it.

S: I'm gonna go back to lucky line one. Happy holidays, you’re on King Falls AM.

??: Hey man, I wanna talk about this Kris Kringle business.

S: We’re all ears, sir. Have you seen him around town, or am I just being fooled by a facetious Saint Nick?

??: The way I see it, uh-

B: Hey, who are we speaking with?

??: That don’t matter none.

B: Right. Uh, what were you saying, sir?

??: I just think that a man wants to lie low in a place where he’s not gonna get bothered, or pestered, or recognized, then good for him. Maybe life got too stressful, or he didn’t wanna buy a caddy for everyone he met. Hell, maybe he followed the love of his life to this small podunk crazy haunted town. Maybe it’s because he found out that Rose makes the best peanut butter banana sandwich you ever laid eyes on.

S: Are we still talking about Santa Claus, sir?

??: Of course.

S: Okay. It just seemed like maybe we were talking about somebody else for a second. Like yourself.

??: Don’t be cruel, Sammy. I'm just a teddy bear. A teddy bear with nothing to hide. I say if old Saint Nick wants to hang out in this spooky place then so be it. We can’t have *singing* suspicious minds *back to normal voice* about it. Just let it be.

B: Sir, I, I don’t wanna make this about you, but you sound a lot like the king of rock, and, I-

??: Yeah, little less conversation, Ben.

*hang up noise*

S: I'm just gonna say that I think that guy knows what he’s talking about, Ben.

B: Still doesn’t mean anything.

S: Why are you fighting me so hard on this, Ben?

B: Okay, I'm not saying you’re right-

S: But I'm right.

B: But, but! If somebody as important as Santa Claus were to have a vacation home or hide away spot in King Falls, and he doesn’t!

S: And he does.

B: But...maybe it’s for a reason. Like a specific reason. Like, maybe he doesn’t wanna be bothered with a bag of mail every day. An email address overflowing with wants and needs. Non-union worker issues. Maybe the wife wants a place to escape the hustle and bustle of the great white north a few times a year without TMZ knocking on the door. If that were the case, and I, I don’t think it would be fair to call attention to it.

S: If that were the case.

B: Right. If that were the case. Now, I do not think that’s the case at all, I mean this is a case of mistaken identity. Or maybe you were tricked by a chubby, merrier than thou prankster who is just too friendly to not keep the appearances. But. I don’t think you really saw the real deal here. And he certainly wouldn’t live in King Falls for a few weeks every year if you did see him.

S: Huh. Maybe...maybe I was mistaken?

B: It could have been anybody.

S: I think you’re onto something, Ben. I think I was, uh. Huh. I think was misled.

B: Maybe so.

S: Oh, well. Okay then.

B: We good?

S: Yeah, I think we’re good. Uh. So I hear we got a hell of a show lined up for tonight, is that right?

B: Ha! Better believe it, buddy. Right after the break,- *ho, ho, ho!*

S: Sorry about that folks, somebody must owe Chet some money. Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for hanging out with us on this chilly winter’s night. We’re just getting started here, but we’re gonna take a quick break to pay some bills. If we don’t hear from you before then, Merry Christmas to you and yours from King Falls AM.

??: Merry Christmas!

[unofficialkfamtranscripts]

King Falls AM - Episode Three: Catch And Release

View on Google Docs

Summary: June 1, 2015 - Sammy & Ben are live at Lake Hatchenhaw for the 55th Annual King Falls Bass Tournament with special guest Mayor Grisham.

[Podcast intro music]

[Banjo music]

Randy McMullet [heavy southern accent] Howdy y’all! It’s Randy McMullet from McMullet’s International Palace of Snake Skin Boots and I’m here to tell you we got some slithery savings this weekend! So much savings you’ll have a hissy fit! We’re not holdin’ anything back ‘cause it’s that time of year again! It’s our annual Snake Skin Blowout! I’m talkin’ ‘bout rattlesnake, copperhead, viper, black mamba, and boa constrictor. We got big snake boots at baby snake prices! Ya better hurry though before our inventory is extinct! So come on down to McMullet’s International Palace of Snake Skin Boots! We’ll be there from sun up to sun down this Saturday and Sunday at the corner of Route 72 and ol’ Bombin’ Range Road! McMullet’s International Palace of Snake Skin Boots! Where we fill your boots, with savin’s!

[Banjo music fades out]

[KFAM rock intro music]

Sammy Good morning! You’re listening to King Falls AM, that’s 660 on the radio dial. It’s twelve minutes to six and a beautiful 67 degrees out here at Lake Hatchenhaw.

Ben We are mere minutes away from the starter pistol going off signaling the beginning of the 55th annual King Falls Bass Tournament.

Sammy Ben! I couldn’t have said that better myself, you’re a natural!

Ben [“aw shucks”] Whatever, Sammy.

Sammy But you heard it, kids! The tournament’s about to get under way, but the festivities will be happening all day today. Be sure to swing on by the King Falls AM booth, pick up a bumper sticker, say hi to your favorite personalities, that sort of thing.

Ben And, of course, don’t forget to tweet us your pics today @KingFallsAM or Instagram us with the hashtag kingfalls, and we will repost those bad boys.

Sammy Absolutely, Ben. But just because this show is winding down, doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep on you! We’ve got a guest!

Ben We’re here with Ron Begley, of Begley’s Bait and Tackle. Sponsor of today’s outing.

[note: Ron’s voice can generally be described as “gruff”, any descriptors in transcription are more-so]

Ron [gruffly] Watch it, Ben. Outing is a big word. This is a gathering. 

Sammy Hey, nice to meet ya, Ron!

Ron [sweetly] Nice meetin’ you too, Sammy! And always good to see you, Ben.

Sammy Now, Ron. For all the listeners on the fence about making their way down to the Tourney today, what would you tell ‘em to change their minds?

Ron Ah hell, if they aren’t here now, they ain’t coming.

Ben Metaphorically though—

Ron [harshly] Don’t use ten dollar words when a five dollar word will suffice, Ben. If the lazy bastards aren’t up an’ at em and waiting on Mayor Grisham to fire that pistol, then there ain’t no convincing them otherwise.

Sammy Well, you know what- We’ve got quite the turn out here it seems, so uh, maybe everybody made it down?

Ron [aggressively] I’ll give you fifty damn bucks if you show me Shell Snyder’s fat ass at this lake right now!

Ben Uhhh, I’m sure-

Ron I saw that lazy son of a bitch at the town hidey-hole last night, and I know he hasn’t drug his carcass outta bed.

Sammy Hidey-hole?

Ben Don’t ask.

Ron You want something that’ll put some asses in the seats? I’ll give you somethin’ and this one’s for free. Today we got the fishing tournament, we got the bouncy house for the kiddies, we got that weird food truck that nobody ever eats at but it still shows up to all the King Falls events,

Ben Aaand?

Ron [teasing] And you know where I’m going, Ben. And just last week out by the sunken pontoon boats… We had a sighting!

Ben By the BOATS? That is so close.

Sammy Alright guys. You got me. What did we see?

Ben Sammy—

Ron Why, the Lake Hatchenhaw monster, Sammy!

Sammy Monster.

Ron Why the hell didn’t you Wikipedia-Google-book this town before you moved your sweet ass to it?! Everybody in creation knows about the Lake Hatchenhaw monster!

Sammy Alright, *chuckles* I’m sorry. Uhhh, I don’t mean to be rude, Ron, but you’re talking about your own version of the Loch—

Ron Don’t. Say it. Don’t even think it! That fake sh[bleep]show of a lake monster has nothin’ on Kingsie.

Ben You’ll have to pardon Sammy. He doesn’t believe in the extra-ordinary.

Ron [softly for Ron] What a sad life you must live, Samuel.

Ben So, Ron. This will be the fifth sighting this year, is that correct?

Ron [happy/proud] Fifth this year! She’s been a busy one. Since I took over this shop from my dad, I don’t know that we ever got Kingsie more than twice a year.

Sammy Well, ya heard it here ladies and gents. Uh, If tournament, the bouncy house, and the weird food truck don’t get you down— Kingsie will.

Ron That’s the spirit!

Sammy *chuckles* Okay, about the tournament, Ron. What exactly is on the line here? Wha-Whats the prize today?

Ron Same as every year, Sammy! Brand new bass boat with all the fixin’s and a 500 dollar check from the King Falls Chamber of Commerce.

Sammy That is a hell of a prize! I might just put the mic down and have a go myself, guys!

Ron More than welcome! [gruffly] But you better bring Ben along so you don’t end up as a “fictional lake monster”’s din-din.

Ben *sighs* I’d love to be out on that lake today! Nothing like it!

Sammy Ron Begley, everyone. Uh, Ron, thanks for dropping by and adding some color to the end of our broadcast today!

Ron [quiet and angry] Is that a gay joke, Sammy?

Sammy Uh, I-I’m sorry, what?

Ben Ron, not. At all.

Ron [threateningly] I’m not going to come on this show, and have you talkin’ trash. I’m the only soul brave enough in this town to own my identity and I’m not going to take any flack about it—

Sammy Ron. Ron. No harm was intended. I-I didn’t even know.

Ron [angry, almost shouting] Well now you do so watch your mouth! I like f[bleep]in’ and I like fightin’ and I’m completely sure you don’t want any part of either!

Sammy I-I Ron. *nervous laugh* I mean—

Ron [pleasantly] I’m just jerkin’ your chain, Sammy! Keep up the good work, guys!

Ben *Laughing loudly* Oh, you should see your face!

Sammy Thanks, Ben. Uh—

Some Guy *Slurred* Heyy Ben! What up duuude?

Ben Heyy, uh, Matt! Uhhh. We’re-we’re kinda live here, buddy.

Matt Riiight on! … maintain brah…

Ben Sorry.

Sammy Oh, no worries, bro.

Ben Uh, uh- alright folks! You’ll never believe who we’ve got heading this way! The man of the hour, the man with all the power… Mayor Grisham.

Sammy Mayor Grisham. Thanks so much for taking some time out to talk with us today!

Mayor Grisham Oh, I’ve been wanting to! Believe me. But you boys are on so darn early! I just can’t drag myself out of the bed.

Sammy Understandable.

Mayor Grisham However, my assistant, Riley, transcribes every show for me. Seems like you’re doing a great job. The both of you.

Ben Oh! Thanks so much, Mayor Grisham!

Mayor Grisham You got it, Ben! Hey, how’s your mom doing these days?

Ben Great! She’ll be thrilled that you mentioned her!

Mayor Grisham Least I can do.

Sammy Now, Mayor Grisham, you’re joining us today because in just a few short minutes we’re gonna be kicking off the 55th annual King Falls Bass Tournament—

Mayor Grisham Absolutely! It’s one of the perks of the job that makes it all worthwhile. I mean, who could turn down a beautiful morning on the lake, with all the people of King Falls?

Sammy So, do you ever partake in the tournament yourself?

Mayor Grisham *chuckles* I wouldn’t want to put the King Falls residents to shame! I’m quite an avid outdoorsman.

Sammy Well, it’s nice of you to give everybody a sporting chance.

Mayor Grisham Oh yeah.

Sammy Now, before we let you go- and believe me I hate to break down the mood —

Mayor Grisham Then don’t.

Sammy Oh, *chuckles nervously* well I-I was just gonna ask if you had heard any recent news regarding…

Mayor Grisham Sammy. Another time and another place.

Sammy Well, Mayor Grisham. [floundering] We here, we—

Mayor Grisham That’s all at this time. Thanks for having me. Have your people call Riley and we’ll schedule something soon, Sam.

Sammy [confused and irritated] Heh… Okaay?

Ben What is he- he- can’t- we’re supposed to be here for another three minutes, Sammy.

Sammy *unamused laugh* It’s fine, Ben, uh- it’s not your fault.

Ben Well, no. You ran him off, *scoffs* [growing frantic] buuut he was supposed to stay with us until we went live! with the opening ceremonies!

Sammy Hey, hey. It’s okay.

Ben [worked up] I’m going to fix this. Uh- I got it!

Sammy Ben-Be- Well. That was Ben just leaving in a full sprint, kids. Uh, seems it’s just you and me now, uh, and the mayor’s assistant, recording our every word.

Voice in distance Shotgun Sammy!

Sammy *groans* Okay, so we’re about four minutes away from the top of the hour, and the tournament getting started. Uh, we’d like to wish all the participants today the best of luck, break legs, uh, you know catch fish, wh-what have you. Uh, watch out for Kingsie, obviousl—

Ben I got it! I got it! I’m back!

Sammy Oh, Ben’s back ladies and gents! And he has a friend!

Ben Sammy, King Falls, this is Mr. Herschel Baumgartner. Winner of last year’s tournament! How you doing today, Mr. Baumgartner?

Herschel Good, Benny. Real good. Just ready to get my spot and giveitago this year. Uh, you know it’s about to start, right boys?

Sammy So, Herschel, you won the actual tournament last year, is that correct?

Herschel Oh, you bet I did! Won it back in ‘92, and ‘89 as well. But don’t go askin’ for tips now, son. Now if you excuse me—

Sammy Oh wow! So you are a three time winner of the King Falls Bass Tournament lookin’ for big number four this morning!

Herschel [sarcastic] Huh, Big City can count. We’re T-minus three minutes here, boys. If you don’t have anything pressing…

Ben Uh, for the listeners, Mr. Baumgartner, wha-what would you say is, is, is, the-the most important part—

Herschel [suspiciously] Who put you up to this? Was it Cecil? [grumbling] Amateur, usurpin’ so-and-so-

Ben No! We-we just needed to fill some time.*nervous laugh*

Herschel You’re going to pull me out of my boat to fill time? You are a DUMB son of a b[bleep]!

Sammy [warning] Hey now!

Herschel Don’t you dad-voice me, son. I’ll put a boot rrright up your ass, just like I did those Krauts[1] back in WWII! [said “dubya-dubya two”]

Sammy [harshly] You know what? Great talking to you Herschel.

Herschel [grumbling] New-fangled radio bums, looking for a hand-out. I ain’t givin’ ya no tips! No spots, no tricks o’ the trade! How I flick my wrist [fades out as he walks away]

[woman screams in bg]

Ben Was… that a scream?

Sammy [laughing dismissively] I’m sure it was just someone seeing Mr. Baumgartner’s lovely personality.

Ben I think something might be up, Sammy. Seriously.

Sammy Uh, ladies and gentlemen, as always, we thank you for tuning in with us here at King Falls AM. We’re about to go live with the opening ceremonies at the 55th annual-

[another, longer scream. Someone in the bg yells “There’s a body in the lake!” followed by sounds of an agitated crowd and a lot of people screaming]

Sammy Folks, stay with us! It seems that a body has just surfaced here at Lake Hatchenhaw! Come on, Ben!

Ben [incredulously] We’re going there?

Sammy Cronkite. Brokaw. Ben Arnold.

Ben *huffs* Right.

[Deputy Troy yells incomprehensibly through a megaphone.]

Ben-at-a-distance Tweet us!

[screaming continues]

Sammy Alright, we’re on the dock. [aside] if we could just push past— There’s the mayor! Right there!

Deputy Troy [through a megaphone] Everybody please stay calm!

Ben [quiet,worried] What if it’s Tim?

Sammy Mayor Grisham! Can you confirm that there is a body here—

Deputy Troy [still through the megaphone] Sorry boys. I don’t want to, but the Mayor’s going to cut—

[audio cuts to static]

[KFAM outtro]

[CREDITS]

References

[1] Kraut - a derogatory term for a German, especially a German soldier, during WWI and WWII

[kingfallstranscripts-blog]

Episode 16 : Santa Claus Ain’t Comin’ To Town

(King Falls AM theme plays)

Ben: You are off the charts excited, Sammy. Are you sure this isn’t about Christmas vacation?

Sammy: Not at all. I’ve just finally got something big to bring to the table, spooky stuff wise, and I cannot wait.

Ben: *laughs* You are glowing, man. I can’t wait to hear this.

Sammy: Good evening ladies and gents, and Welcome to King Falls AM - that’s 660 on the AM dial, and this is our last show of the year. The last show before our big Christmas break, as Ben mentioned.  

Ben: Let’s not say big, it’s just a break. We’ll be right back here literally on New Years Day. Thanks, Merv. But we’ve got a hell of a show for you.

Sammy: Okay, can I just get a few minutes off the top to talk about today’s discovery? 

Ben: I was literally just saying, the floor is yours, Sammy.

Sammy: Okay, alright. So, you know sometimes I’m a little bit, uh, skeptical when it comes to - 

Ben: Literally everything. You are skeptical of every phenomenon that has crossed our paths.

Sammy: I wouldn’t say every. 

Ben: Oh, I would. Do you want a recap? There was the alien abduction, the -

Sammy: *laughs* No - no, no, no. I think you know your stuff. So, you should know that I’m very excited to bring my own bit of King Falls lore to the table tonight. 

Ben: Before you press on, are you sure this is a good idea?

Sammy: What do you mean? 

Ben: I’m not trying to be argumentative here, but the last time that you brought in a find of our own last time like this, you brought Howard Ford Beauregard III into our lives.

Sammy: *sharply* Okay, that was a mistake and we have talked about that. 

Ben: I know! I’m just saying...be super sure about this one, huh.

Sammy: This is nothing like HFB 3. 

Ben: Then please continue my friend. 

Sammy: So, I was out doing a little bit of shopping earlier today at The King Falls Mall and -

Ben: Was it crazy crowded? I still have to pick up something special for...my mom.

Sammy: It was crowded. Not Black Friday crowded, but nicely darkly opaque Tuesday, if you will. 

Ben: Okay, cool.

Sammy: We all know that gift is not for your mom, by the way.

Ben: Whatever.

Sammy: So, I’m at the mall, I make my purchases, but I’m all worked up and got an appetite and I’m not gonna wait in line at a mall eatery with Christmas people, ya know? So, I’m thinking, why not just go the 3 minutes away to Frickards? 

Ben: ... Traitor. But I get it.

Sammy: So, I make the drive over to my favorite Frogery. A #5 Frick-a-Seed with extra frog puppies...

Ben: You actually eat the frogs there, man? I heard they poach them there directly from Lake Hatchineha.

Sammy: Don’t say that! They are a fine sponsor of the show. 

Ben: Facts are facts. 

Sammy: Okay, so I get there and pulling up right beside me is this beautiful candy apple red Corvette. It was a beauty, let me tell ya. Early 1960′s, but the closer I look, the weirder it gets. It’s got bells, like sleigh bells, all over this thing -

Ben: Let’s, uh, move on Sammy.

Sammy: So I look over at the driver, this bigger older gent steps out of the car...red suit, red tie, massive white beard -

Ben: Sammy, I think we should, uh -

Sammy: Tiny little glasses, rosy red cheeks, and the friendliest damn face I’ve ever seen. He introduced himself as Chris!

Ben: So you run into a mall Santa running late for work?

Sammy: Oh, this was no mall Santa, Ben. This was thee Santa. We made chit-chat and there was only one available table, so with it just being myself and him, we -

Ben: You had lunch with a mall Santa.

Sammy: Bennnnn, he knew my name without me saying it!

Ben: You’re a radio sensation, Sammy. Lots of people know your name.

Sammy: Do they know my childhood address? What I got for Christmas when i was 6? I don’t think so!

Ben: *laughs* Oh jeez, you got a Santa stalker, buddy. Either that or Creepy Carl got released on bail. Moving forward - 

Sammy: He knew all this stuff, Ben! My wants, my likes...good things and bad things. You know, I’m pretty protective of my personal life, Ben.

Ben: Yeah, I do, Shotgun.  

Sammy: This was Santa Claus, real as day, right here in King Falls! Not only that, but he told me that he actually vacations here part of the year! Think about that! The big guy hanging out here! *scoffs* Dude, why are you looking at me like this?

Ben: Do you know how many older gentleman in the world dress up as Santa Claus, Sammy? A lot. It’s a job for some folks. Some of them go to hospitals. It’s a big deal for some folks. This was one of those guys. Just pulling your chain, Sammy. Santa living here part time is *sputters* I doubt very, very seriously that this guy you met -

-Sammy: It was him. I don’t understand why you’re so hell bent on dismissing this! If a caller called in with this story, you’d be on a mission! 

Ben: I’m not hell bent on dismissing you. I’m just...looking at this from all angles. How bout that? 

Sammy: Are you saying King Falls isn’t good enough for a Santa vacation home? A second house?

Ben: I’m not saying that at all! That’s ludicrous...d-did he tell you I said that?!

Sammy: A-ha! So you know I’m right. 

Ben: No! Santa- I mean, mall dude Santas are tricky. I - I don’t trust them! Look at this wedge he’s driving, man!

Sammy: You know something about this... 

Ben: *sputters* You want me to tell you what I know?

Sammy: I do!

Ben: Here’s the scoop: I know you meant some...guy. I know he’s not Santa because Santa would not go to Greg Frickard’s place to eat. I know -

Sammy: You’re full of it. 

Ben: You wanna put this to the callers? We can poll this thing out. 

Sammy: I think I do, Ben! This guy knew what I go for Christmas years ago. HE knew about Wolfington the terrier, which I got for Christmas as a kid. He knew it all! 

Ben: Ha, okay, King Falls: Do you think Sammy meant the real Santa Claus earlier today? Think about this and give us a call: 424-279-3858

Sammy: Heh-heh, you are on, buddy. I’m not gonna be the only person here - 

Ben: *quickly* OPERATION KING FALLS KRINGLE 

(Cuts to commercial: Banjo Music Playing)

“Howdy y’all! It’s Randy McMullet from McMulletson’s National Palace of Snake Skin Boots, and I’m here to let ya know we got some rattlin’ new for ya. After the sensational success of Black Mamba Friday, it’s time to roll out our next deal of the year. This weekend it’s our annual Secret Santa Albino Snakeskin Special. We’ll have all our white snake choices at our unbeatable dark snake prices. So slither on down just outside of town at the corner of Route 72 and Ol Bauman Range Road. McMullet’s International House of Snake Skin Boots! Where we fill yourboots, with savin’s!"

(Welcome to 660 plays)

Sammy: What the hell was that about?

Ben: It was about saving money on boots, man. 

Sammy: No, whatever you yelled right before the commercial. 

Ben: *laughs* I don’t know what you’re talking about. I sneezed. 

Sammy: ... I’m watching you. 

Ben: Watch away, Sammy. Pick a line, they’re all lit up. Like Christmas. 

Sammy: You’re way too smug, I don’t like this. Lucky Line 1...

Ben: An excellent choice. 

Sammy: Good evening, you’re on with Sammy and Ben.

Cynthia: First off, Sammy, obviously you’re off your rocker. Santa lives in the North Pole! 

Sammy: *sighs* Hi, Cynthia. 

Cynthia: Secondly, are you for real shopping at the King Falls Mall? Do you have a death wish?!

Ben: What are you on about, Mrs. Higenbaum?

Sammy: It honestly wasn’t that busy...

Cynthia: I’m not talking about crowds! I’m talking about the gang of vampires that live in the mall... just waiting for the perfect time to strike! 

Ben: What?! 

Cynthia: Of course you wouldn’t know, Ben. 

Ben: I’m pretty up to date on my - 

Cynthia: Obviously you are not...or you’d know about the gang of vampires that live in the mall!

Sammy: Cynthia, thanks for calling tonight. Even if you are dead wrong about Santa. Now, would you like to expand about this, uh, vam-

Cynthia. Gang of vampires. 

Sammy: Right...

Ben: How do you know that they’re vampires, Cynthia? 

Cynthia: Pale much? Check. Dark clothes? Check. Never ever out in the light of day? CHECK! 

Ben & Sammy: She’s talking about Hot Topic...

Sammy: Aren’t you?

Cynthia: They just glare at you soullessly when you walk in. Eyeing you up and down, probably looking for a good vein.

Sammy: Or a neck tattoo. 

Cynthia: This is not to be made light of, Sammy! You’ll see!

Ben: They’re just goth kids, Mrs. Higenbaum. 

Cynthia: Oh, please. Like you know! Let the record state that when King Falls is overrun in a Lost Boys type fashion with these emo vampires that I tried to warn you! And you just laughed! 

Sammy: What do you recommend, Cynthia? Should we stock up on garlic and stakes?

Ben: I think just knowing our parents loved us enough should do the trick.

Cynthia: Laugh it up, you dumbs. You know I hate telling people “I told you so” but I will tell your ass “I told you so” SO FAST! *politely* Merry Christmas! *hangs up*

Ben: So... we’ll count that as a no. 0 and 1, Sammy. 

Sammy: Line 5, welcome to King Falls AM.

Finn: *faint sounds of the highway* Hey, Sammy! Hey, Ben! 

Sammy: Hey, Finn! Long time no talk, buddy! You doin’ alright? 

Finn: Oh yeah! Never better! Just had to get a couple shots, ya know? 

Ben: That’s good to hear, Finn. Uh, what’s your take on this?

Finn: Oh, I was actually just phonin’ cause I wanted to tell you fellas Merry Christmas before it was too late.

Ben: Merry Christmas to you too, Finn! Stay safe out there on the roads.

Finn: You know it!

Sammy: Well, thanks for calling in, Finn. We’re glad that you’re feeling better. We were pretty worried about you.

Finn: Ohhhh, you fellas. Howl at the moon one little time and you get alllll worried.

Sammy: It was more than once, Finn.

Finn: You know what I’m sayin’! It’s not like I’m going to sleep and wakin’ up naked in a field somewhere covered in chicken feathers and god knows what all over me... on the regular. *sounds of scratching *

Sammy: That... is, um, good to hear, Finn. 

Finn: Just once every now and then, ya know?

Ben: *laughs nervously* Okay, y-you take care of yourself. Happy Holidays.

Finn: You know it! *hangs up*

Ben: That was another- 

Sammy: Don’t count that! Finn didn’t comment on it either way!

Ben: I’ll mark it as Switzerland. Another call?

Sammy: You bet your ass another call. Y-you pick a line!

Ben: Uh, line 3! Good evening and Wel-

Herschel: *low sounds of a boat motor and crickets* You two goofy sons of (censored) hung up on me last time I called! When I get my dick-beaters on ya, it’ll be hell to pay! 

Ben: Uh, we...must’ve been having...phone difficulties, Herschel. We would never. Did you call during the Electrolocaust? 

Herschel: I called two damn week ago, Ben Arnold! Don’t you “Electrolocaust” me. Gotta wake up pretty damn early in the morning to scoot one past Herschel F. Baumgartner. 

Sammy: Herschel, we are so sorry the phones were malfunctioning last time you called. Are you on tonight to talk about Santa’s appearance and possible living in King Falls? 

Herschel: Santa who? Santa Livingston? Haven’t heard from that son of a (censored) since the Beaches of Normandy... 

Sammy: Santa Claus, Herschel... 

Herschel: No, I ain’t here to talk about no Sante Claus. You two need to grow the (censored) up. 

Ben: What’s on your mind, Herschel?

Herschel: Don’t rush me! You two-toned pecker sniff! I’ll get to it when I get to it. 

Sammy: Herschel, do you think - 

Herschel: Mother (censored)! I had it before you opened your damn trap! I’ll ring you later when I can think of it, and you better not hang up on me again! 

Sammy: You do that, Herschel... if we don’t hear back from you before then, have a Merry Christmas. 

Herschel: You two goin’ somewhere? 

Ben: It’s our Christmas Break! But we’ll be back live on New Years Day.

Herschel: You know what my generation called “breaks”?

Sammy: *under his breath* They weren’t just breaks? 

Herschel: They called it being (censored) dead because that’s the only break you get in life. You freeloading radio commies! Enjoy your break or vaycay or whatever you pansy bastards call it. 

Ben: Happy Holidays to you too, Herschel!

Herschel: I didn’t kill Hitler to say Happy (censored) Holidays... :*mutters under breath* *hangs up*

Sammy: Ladies and gentlemen, Ben and I are talking about the appearance of Santa here in King Falls earlier today. I was told from the jolly one himself that he enjoys staying in The Falls when he isn’t in the busy season. Ben says otherwise...

Ben: Have you or anyone you know ran into this phony Santa saying he’s squatting here? If you have, give us a call *coughing* Operation King Falls Kringle.

Sammy: I knew you were up to something! 

Ben: Please. You’re paranoid because you’re losing. Line 2, this is King Falls AM. 

Troy: Hey, fellas, Merry Christmas! Or Happy Hanukkah if that’s the way your dreidel spins. Or h-have a good Kwanzaa, etc and so on. 

Sammy: Merry Christmas, Troy. 

Ben: Are you not supposed to be calling us on duty? 

Troy: I’m on break, Ben! Damn it all! Don’t start! I’m calling to tell you something important. 

Ben: This again? You’re a broken record. BYE, TROY.

Sammy: Don’t... let him speak.

Ben: Tsk. Whatever. 

Troy: Thanks, Sammy...and right off the bat I wanna tell you I believe you saw what you say you saw. 

Ben: Troy! Come on! You know the drill!

Troy: I’m not saying he was or he wasn’t. I’m just saying, if you saw him... I believe ya. Maybe a man just wants to lay low, far away from the spotlight. I mean, King Falls is a heck of a town to retire to. 

Sammy: Mark that down, Ben.

Ben: He’s only saying it just to spite me. 

Troy: That ain’t close to true and you know it, Ben Arnold. w, if you’ll permit me... I’ve got a gift for ya.

Ben: If this is your friendship, I hope you kept the receipt. 

Troy: It’s actually not that. Though, it’s ripe for the picking whenever you want it, Ben.  

Ben: Ha, don’t hold your breath...

Sammy: *sighs* Come on. Do you wanna bring it by the station, Troy?

Ben: DON’T!

Troy: Well the problem is I bought it online and I’m having it shipped here and well...seems it’s gonna be a little late.

Ben: *laughs condescendingly* Of course it is. Can’t even get a Christmas present right, Troy. Just give it up!

Troy: We were best buds growing up and... I ain’t givin up on that. Or you. I mean, you’ll see. You and me, we’ll be back where we started just as sure as you can say “pickled pie piper”

Ben: NEXT CALLER.

Troy: That’ll work, too! Well, I’ll quit yackin and make like a shepherd and get the flock outta here.

Sammy: Take care, Troy. Merry Christmas to you and yours, buddy. 

Ben: Bye, already! 

Troy: Catch ya later, future buddy.

Ben: We have time for one or two more before break. Ya wanna keep going or give it up?

Sammy: By my count, we are tied. 

Ben: Glutton for punishment...you call it.

Sammy: I’m gonna go back to Lucky Line 1. Happy Holidays! You’re on King Falls AM.

Caller: *Heavily Elvis Presley sounding* Hey, man, uh - I wanna talk about this Chris Kringle business. 

Sammy: We’re all ears, sir. Have you seen him around town or am I just being fooled by a factitious St.Nick? 

Caller/Probably Elvis: The way I see it, uh - 

Ben: Uh, who are we speaking with? 

Caller/Elvis: That don’t matter none. 

Ben: Right. Uh, w-what were you saying, sir? 

Caller/Elvis: I just think that a man wants to lie low in a place where he’s not gonna get bothered or pestered or recognized than good for him. Maybe life got too stressful or he didn’t wanna buy a Cadi for everyone that he met.... Hell, maybe he followed the love of his life to a small Podunk crazy haunted town. Maybe it’s cause he found out Rose makes the greatest peanut butter banana sammich you ever laid eyes on. 

Sammy: Are... we still talking about Santa Claus, sir?

Caller/Elvis: Of course! 

Sammy: Okay, it just seemed like maybe we were talking about someone else for a second. Like yourself... 

Caller/Elvis: ♪Don’t be cruel♪ Sammy. I’m just a teddy bear. A teddy bear with nothin to hide. I say if Ol’ St. Nick wants to hang out in this spooky place then so be it. We can’t have ♪suspicious minds!♪ about it. Just let it be. 

Ben: Sir, I-I don’t wanna make this about you, but you sound a lot like the King of Rock and I -

Caller/Elvis: Yeah! ♪Little less conversation♪ Ben! *hangs up* 

Sammy: I’m just gonna say... I think that guy knows that he’s talking about, Ben.

Ben: Still doesn’t mean anything! 

Sammy: Why are you fighting me so hard one this, Ben?!

Ben: Okay... I’m not saying you’re right...

Sammy: But I’m right...

Ben: But! But! If somebody as important as Santa Claus was to have a vacation home or hide away spot in King Falls - and he doesn’t!

Sammy: And he does...

Ben: But...maybe it’s for a reason. Like a specific reason. Like maybe he doesn’t wanna be bothered with a bag of mail everyday. An email address overflowing with wants and needs. Non-union worker issues. Maybe the wife wants a place to escape the hustle and bustle of the great white north a few times a year without TMZ knocking on the door. If that were the case, and I-I don’t think it would be fair to call attention to that.

Sammy: If that were the case...

Ben: Right! If that were the case. Now, I do not think that’s the case at all. I think this is the case of... mistaken identity. Or maybe you were tricked by a chubby merrier than thou prankster who was too friendly to not keep up appearances. But I don’t think you really saw the real deal here...and he certainly wouldn’t live in King Falls for a few weeks every year if you did see him. 

Sammy: Huh. Maybe...Maybe I was mistaken...

Ben: It...it could’ve been anybody. 

Sammy: I think you’re on to somethin, Ben. I think I was, uh... huh. I think I was mislead. 

(Holiday music starts playing)

Ben: *laughs* Maybe so! 

Sammy: Hmm, well... Okay, then.

Ben: We good?

Sammy: Yeah, I think we’re good! So I hear we got a hell of a show lined up for tonight, is that right?

Ben: Oh! You better believe it, buddy! Right after the break! 

(Sleigh-bells and Santa in background) Ho-ho-ho! 

Sammy: Sorry about that, folks! Somebody must owe Chet some money. Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for hanging out with us this chilly winter’s night. We’re just getting started here, but we’re gonna take a quick break to pay some bills. If we don’t hear from you before then, Merry Christmas to you and yours from King Falls AM. 

(Sleigh-bells and Santa in background) Merry Christmas!